#and it's complicated and i dont want to enter into details

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 14

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: NSFW Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 5.9k

a/n: I hope I didn't keep you guys waiting too long!! We have so much more left of these two horn balls. Enjoy babies.

masterlist

Javier wakes you with his head between your legs and a white hot orgasm. He sneaks you out before sunrise to drive you home, car parked one minute down the road of course. You were on such a high you could hardly sleep, you had to teach summer school in only a few hours so when the day dragged on you struggled to keep up. You instructed the middle schoolers on the Protestant reformation, boring yourself along the way.

Daydreaming of Javier Peña while the kids took a mock exam. You sat in those seats daydreaming of him when you were their age too, it sends your head on a crushing spin when you think too hard about it.

You want to call Delilah after last night, she was so removed from your life at home. The temptation of confiding her bites at you all the way home. What trouble would it cause just telling her? She’s not even from here?

Upon arrival you notice Mr. Warden's car was absent from the drive. Pulling your hair in a ponytail, bangles jangling, you enter your family home. Your mom is dressed up, a flowing dress pale yellow and hair teased. Your brows raise as you set your purse down. Wanting to just run to the phone behind her and call up Javi. Ask him how grating it was to spend the day under the sun in Mrs. Gloria’s garden, wanting to hear every detail. 

The likelihood of your mom leaving the house is pretty high so you ask, “Where you heading mami?” 

Tucking your hand under your top and unclipping your bra in the kitchen, she hates when you do that but your breasts were small and you hated the tightness of bras. She wipes her hand on her dress, “Having a mommy-son day with Frankie. Gonna drive to the mall and then have dinner.”

Shocker, you think. You used to be bothered by the obvious display of favoritism with your mom but you expect it. You dont think shes ever taken you alone… anywhere, just for the sake of being together. Sure she took you to the dentist and whatnot but she never just asked if you wanted to do something together. She always liked your brother more and it hurt but you were done seeking love from her. You protect your peace. “Oh okay cool. Where’s Sol and your husband?” 

She walks past you, reaching down to grab her purse from the island stool. “They're visiting his mother in Corpus Christi, they're staying over for a few nights. I’m going to meet with them tomorrow, just to destress before the wedding. I’ve bitten all of my nails off!” She sticks her hands towards you and your eyes widen at the sight. Man she really did. 

The wedding was stressing her out for sure, she was more irritable than usual and always on the house phone yelling at someone. It was going to be a modest wedding, modest decorations and entertainment with a not so modest in the guest count. She invited the entirety of Laredo and the 1980 graduating class. She also skipped the renting route for the tables and chairs. She bought them all in hopes that you could use them when you betroth. 

“Is there anything you would want me to do? To make this, I don’t know, easier?”

She gave a pensive stare, like she was cataloging all of the very complicated tasks in her head. Then she nods, “Ah, yes. Saturday the print shop will have all of the guest table markers ready. If you can pick them up and fold them. There’s … a lot.” She moves around the island and grabs her purse. You move past her to grab whatever beverage you can from the fridge. “Also, James hooked up a phone line in your room before he left, just told him to get on and do it since your grandmother called.”

You stop in your tracks, your heart stopping in your chest. 

Blood running cold, “What?” 

Your mother sits at the couch, putting on her heels. “Your fathers mother called-“

Your father, Lucas. The man who only existed in stories and dreams. Your grandmother, his mother? “Mami, what are you saying? What did you say? What did she say?” You storm into the living room angrily. Your mom looks at you in disbelief, shocked at how hard you stomped into the room. 

“What?! She asked if you could visit her in Baton Rogue, I obviously told her you weren’t interested-“

“Why would you say that?!” You raise your voice, your cheeks heating in anger. How selfish could your mother be? Why do you never get a choice. 

She scoffs, tightening the strap to her heel. “Oh please don’t tell me you’re still holding out some hope for that family?”

You blink rapidly, your chest heaving. Hope? You’ve never been given a sign of life from that part of your life, nothing at all. Just the stories from your mother. Just the knowledge that to some extent he wanted you. 

“That’s for me to decide mami! I’m 22, I’m done being left out of my own life.” You seethe, you’re beyond enraged. You had just been a sweet high from morning head and a decent day at work. Happy at the chance of being home alone. And it’s the searing thought of your father that’s sucking the life out of you. 

Your mother laughs and stands up straight. “You can be angry at me but i’m protecting you from the truth. Her numbers in the phone book, if you’d like to be disappointed, be my guest!” She snaps, shoving her purse strap over her shoulder and moving past your frozen pale body. Paled in anger, blushed with an ache. “When you find out he’s just a piece of shit who chose drugs over his daughter don’t come crying.” She bites, with a finger in your face before she walks up the front door. 

Still frozen, tears threatening to fall and a sob caught in your throat. Before she leaves she snaps one last remark, “And you need to start looking for your own place, your welcome is overstayed.”

And she slams the door shut.

Winded you crouch onto the rugged floor and cry into your knees. You’ve been told your entire life that there wasn’t anyone left to speak to on your fathers side. The way your mom brought up the call, like it was nothing. You can’t help but wonder what other news she’s received over the years. 

The worst part is you almost understand her, you knew she was in love with your dad and you can tell she never really got over that betrayal, that shock of finding out he was using the whole time and using the money for your life for his addiction. 

You take the palm of your hand and wipe down your face, dragging your tears to your neck, standing up straight and walk to the phone book.

Breathe still skipping from a crying recovery, you swipe your wet hand on the counter and open the phone book to its most recent page. 

In cursive,

Lorena ? Andreas grandma

You grab the book and head up to your room. 

Time to put the new phone to use.

You dialed without contemplation, if you thought too hard you’d never call. Just call, call and find out what’s being hidden from you.

It was answered on the 3rd ring. 

“Hello?” A small voice comes from the line, a voice with an accent. A voice of a woman late in her years. If you closed your eyes maybe you could picture her. 

“Hello, it’s Andrea… your granddaughter.”

 It felt so foreign on your tongue, you had been no one’s granddaughter before. Beyond the line you hear some shuffling.

“Oh! You saved my number, I called your mother but she’s still very upset.”

You sigh, “Yes she is. You told her you’d like me to visit you? Is everything alright?”

She laughs, “Everything is alright. I just never had your information until recently, I can’t travel because I’m alone and wheelchair bound.”

You frown at the thought of the lady living on her own with no one to care for her. 

“Oh—okay. I’m not sure I would have a way to get there. I’m a school teacher here in 

Laredo. I don’t have my own vehicle and-“

“It’s okay, If you ever find yourself in Louisiana I would love to give you my address. I would love to introduce you to your family.”

You intake a sharp breath at the last sentence. Why does it now feel wrong to want this when all your life you’ve reached out for it? Why does the sound of meeting your family sound so wrong? 

“Is my father okay?” You blurted before she could tell you the address. It’s the one thing you truly cared about, the one thing that haunted you was the possibility of being too late, of him being gone in more ways than one. 

Your grandma stayed silent behind the crackling of the phone, your heart raced each passing second. Beats closer together with each one. “There’s things that rather be told in person. Please consider visiting, my address is 4289 Coventry Court.”

And the line goes dead. 

You repeat a call of her name, pressing the phone harder into your ear but she hung up before you could say goodbye. 

Javier dreamt in a 3 day span. He lived all 3 days, two nights. He dreamt of the drive and checking in. He was on his god forsaken work trip but you were at his side and so the 3 days were a breeze and the best of his life. 

He woke up with your open mouth on his shoulder, snoring small kitten snores. Your hair tossed all over your face and a tiny hand gripped at his waist. He wakes you with a kiss to your forehead and he guesses you dreamt of something less pure because you immediately ripped off your top and climbed on his chest kissing him hard. Your wet core on his belly. 

Javier made sure he gave you an orgasm before helping you out of his window. Going down on your just awake body.

Breakfast for champs. 

He skipped out on the pancakes Chucho made and headed to work with his dad. The smell of your sweet perfume still on him. 

He caught himself bringing the collar of his shirt to his nose when his dad wasn’t looking. He makes a note to ask you to wear it again. 

His dad was skeptical of Javier’s good mood. Constantly shooting him a glance at his typically grumpy son. Shaking his head in a laugh when he compliments Ms. Gloria’s awful orange dress. 

Chucho rarely went to work on people’s land any more. That was old news, he tended his land and sold whatever produce people wanted. But Ms. Gloria had recently lost her husband and when he saw her overgrown garden he offered some help.  She had complained about not having seen Javier since he left so long ago, she had shrieked ranting about how much of a man he was now. 

He had been hearing that a lot recently, that he was a man now. And he was, he hadn’t noticed how accelerated his aging was, already bill stressed at 18 unlike his classmates test stressed or even his girlfriend who was lecture stressed. A teenager with a badge, snuck into bars to drink away the day's stress with 40 year old colleagues. And now a 6 figure salary and a one way ticket to the cartel heartland just at the precipice of age 24.

Yet he still felt stunted. It’s funny how that works, how playing grown up can only work for so long. He had settled down with a broken relationship for years and honestly, truly, that was the most familiar grown up thing he’s ever done. Stayed with someone for the sake of finances, very grown up of him. 

He didn't know what it was like to be the boyfriend of anyone but Lorraine. Most men his age had probably 4 long term girlfriends at this point, he had one and a few years of fucking whoever in high school. He didn’t know how to be a boyfriend for you. 

Boyfriend?

He was getting ahead of himself, he was your… he didn’t want to think too hard about it actually because the idea stressed him out. 

He asked you to be his and it felt pivotal and important and it’s what he wanted. More than anything else ever actually, to have you. He couldn’t even believe you when you crumbled at the thought of Lorraine coming home. He had cared for Lorraine, deeply, but he hadn’t truly been with her for five years. And there is nothing he wanted more than you, he wanted to drag himself to hell for making you cry. 

But still there is this slicing feeling you always had been his since the beginning, in the same way he was yours too. A wanting so deep he couldn’t fathom getting here, so he ran as far as he could. 

That, there, that hurts his chest. The thought that he wasted time, that he kept you close in his heart without giving you a choice to be a part of his life. And what fucked him up even more is the people around him noticing.

 Noticing his self inflicted torture. 

They had noticed. More specifically, Javier’s father. 

Javier is an idiot a lot of the time. He was an excellent researcher, sweet talker and agent, but boy was he awful when it came to keeping you his secret. 

What triggered Javier to mention your mother while he was knee deep in dirt, he doesn’t know. Javier’s father glanced up at him, still squinting from the sun despite his ranching hat. 

Maybe he misses you already. 

‘Maybe’, who was he kidding? He misses you so much and it’s only been 4 hours. He wishes he was still in bed with you. 

“You know-you don’t have to answer this…” Javier began, wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his glove. Chucho looked at him more skeptically now that he was speaking in English, which he never did when it was just them alone. 

“I’ll answer, what is it?”

Javier shook his head and continued to work, “Did you ever-have you-did you date Ms. Diaz?”

He can knock sweet talker off the list of things he’s good at. 

Javier cringes in his head, sure he was close to his father, he knew about his previous romances after his mom left but there was a period where Javier hadn’t a clue about his fathers personal life, the period directly after his mother left. Chucho chuckles and shakes his head and mutters something along the lines of It’s Mrs. Warden now. 

“I did.” 

Javier is aghast. Astounded even, a perfect mix of shock and horror.

 It was all an inside joke but he hadn’t actually thought that- “The month after Flaca left, we very briefly dated. The next summer you were best friends with her kids, it was torturous for me. I wasn't over her but it’s passed.”

Javier wants to laugh at how familiar this was. 

How Andrea had been so ingrained his life that seeing her again after radio silence was torture. 

Javier does laugh, shaking his head.  “No mames,” He couldn’t help but feel like his dad was messing with him, trying to trigger some sort of reaction. Because Melissa? 

“En serio! It was a lonely time when your mom left, I wanted something for myself for a little bit.”

Javier weeds with a smile on his face. In the least offensive way possible, your mom was insufferable. Yes your mother was beautiful but from what Javier had seen, she was judgmental, rude and out of touch. She was a staunch christian yet surely did not love thy neighbor. She would tell you to your face you’ve gained weight and call you handsome in the same breath. She’ll kiss the cheek of a woman and call her a harlot behind her back. 

Javier wondered where you found your sweetness from.

 Maybe you never received that softness and kindness from your mother, maybe it gave you no choice but to be the softest, kindest, sweetest little thing he’s ever known. 

And Chucho. 

Javier’s dad was older than your mom, and too nice for his own good. Shit, he stayed with Javier’s mother until she up and left. He stayed for the sake of keeping a two parent home until he couldn’t any more. Javier admired his dad for that and despite it not working in the end, Javier knew his dad sacrificed his happiness to give Javi some sort of normalcy.

Javier took that from his father, if there’s a kid involved, he was going to try with the mother until he physically couldn't anymore. 

Are you on birth control?

“Why Melissa?” Javier cuts wherever his brain threatens to take him. And Chucho cackles, removing his hat to fan himself, laughing as if Javier asked the funniest question there is. 

“Why Andrea?”

 Javier shoots his dad a glance, one of confusion (he isn’t confused but he has a game to play). 

Javier doesn’t let it get the best of him, he had been teased about the girl for nearly ten years. It’s just a badly timed joke from his dad, he couldn’t know. Right?

Javier knew how to play it cool, he’s a fucking DEA agent for crying out loud. 

But the sound of your name just fucks him over every time. And he can fucking smell you on him. 

Javier disapproves and hacking his sickle into the dirt, a small piece flying on his shirt. “Funny because you know it’s not like that between Andrea and I.” Hack “And she is nothing like her mother.”

Javier’s father mirrors that same disapproval. 

“You packed your bags and went back to Houston the second you saw her picture 4 months ago.” Chucho answers with a hint of teasing in his voice. Javier doesn’t appreciate the way it made his heart pound. Had he made it all so obvious and he hadn't had a clue. “And you may be right about her being nothing like her mother but she is beautiful like her.”

“Prettier.” Javier mumbles, earning another glance from Chucho who quit slamming down the sickle minutes ago. Sweeter, kinder, better all around. 

Javier was blowing it, just a little bit. He sees his dads eyes, he sees them slanted like he’s puzzling the pieces. Like he’s got the two of you all figured out. 

But it’s more than that, “You broke that girl's heart 6 years ago.” Stern, he was stern with the way he laid out the truth. It catches Javier off guard and he blocks the sun from his eyes to make sure his dad wasn’t messing with him. 

But he was dead serious. 

“Okay?” 

He hadn’t anything else to respond. 

“Okay?” He mocks, “Okay? Are you aware of what that does to a girl like Andrea?”

Javier sighs, getting up from his knees in a grunt. Not wanting to be reminded of this again, especially not from someone that wasn’t you. “Don’t you dare walk away from me Javier Peña.” Chucho raises his voice and Javier stops dead in his tracks. He can’t remember the last time his father showed any ounce of disdain towards him. Frankly he’s dumbfounded. Chucho gets to his feet as well, staring down at his son. His son who had already selfishly claimed Andrea as his knowing he would be leaving again. “Listen to me, Andrea is a good girl, and I ain’t saying you aren’t good but I am saying that this timing isn’t good. You understand?”

Javier's chest collapses in on itself, a pain that he sees no ease. It’s like every day he isn’t with you, he’s reminded why it should stay that way. That he shouldn’t do this. Javier’s nostrils flare, a pang of bashfulness and hurt swirling low in his stomach. 

Feeling accused of something so true. He mumbles, he lies, “We’re not even together.” 

Chucho frowns, “Good. I love the two of you too much to watch you hurt each other again—you ran from it and I lost you for 6 years.” 

“I wasn’t running from her, I was starting a career-“

“You never came home.”

“You visited me once a month, you never lost me. And I did come home.”

“Once, and you left when you saw a picture of the girl.”

“I’m home now! And I didn’t fucking leave because of a picture, it’s not like that for me!”

“You’re lying, you know you feel the same way. Regardless she’s here and you’re leaving again! For good.”

Javier drops his gaze to the dirt below them, his breath quickening. “That isn’t my fault, I took this deal before I saw her, before the fucking picture.”

“Ver! la foto!” He caught you, “You forget I know you better than anyone else, you’re running again. I don’t want to argue, I'm just asking for you to be a man and end this. 

End it unless you’re staying for good.”

Javier’s eyes drop, his blood running cold. 

He was done with this. He was done with people telling him what to do, first your brother and now Chucho. Maybe it’s that selfishness but Javier mutters, “There is nothing to end.” and walks out of the garden. 

At 9 pm Javier calls. You’re in bed already, grading history quizzes with a rare smile, the kids are actually doing better. They had all failed their history final just 3 weeks ago. You feel content with yourself, you feel content with the distraction. 

You called a car rental service and was approached with the ridiculous prices of a rental. You’re a teacher for crying out loud, you don’t have money for an excursion to meet a family member you’ve never met. You spent the rest of the afternoon playing scenarios out in your head, what will you do if he actually is dead? What if hes fine? 

What if he’s clean, what if he never wanted to look for you but what if he’s been searching this whole time?

The thoughts burned after 6 pm when your to-do list caught your eye, and so did the stack of papers on your desk. So the show must go on, you can deal with the existential crisis later, you've got work. 

But Javier calls when you're halfway grading Jorge Villa’s quiz, he was doing amazing, with the pen between your lips you grab the new pink phone. “Hello?” 

“Andrea,” He exhaled. Your lips quirk into a small smile, the memories of the morning clouding your brain. He was breathless beyond the phone, like had just finished running a lap. Your smile stayed but your brows pulled together nonetheless. 

“Javi, are you okay? You sound out of breath.” The chewed up pen cap swirls against your teeth. He is silent behind the phone for a few seconds.

“Oh– sorry, I was about to smoke but decided to call you.”

You straighten up, the curly cord barely straining. You note to thank James for the extra  long phone cord.  “Oh okay, is everything okay?” Hes calling you from his bedroom phone, you could hear the difference. The phone in the kitchen had better sound quality, this one always sounded crackled and far, but it settled some weird nostalgia in your belly. This was the phone he’d always pick up from so many years ago. 

“I don’t know, I think I got into an argument with my dad.”

“What?” You blink, it comes out more dramatic than intended but the sentence just didn't seem right. An argument? With Chucho? “Sorry–what happened, are you okay, do you want me to come over?”

You want to slap yourself. Do you want me to come over, what has gotten into me?

 “It was about you.”

“What do you mean?” I’m so confused right now. Then it all hit you at once, “Oh my god Javi! Was I too loud last night? Oh my goodness this morning I didnt even think about it, he was probably awake. Javier I’m so sorry-”

His laugh cuts you off from your nervous rambling, “No, no, jesus. I don't know? We started talking about your mom, they used to sleep together by the way.”

“What!?” You gasp, your hand slapping over your mouth, his sweet deep laugh crackles through the phone. You want to swoon over it, his laugh, him, that all of this happening right now but youre so floored by the conversation you can't even appreciate it. 

“Doesn't matter, he… I don't know what he was saying was true and yesterday you were very honest with me about Lorraine and all that. He just said that I broke your heart once and Andrea, I don't want to do that again I’m so sorry.”

Your chest swells, a feeling so deep and guttural. Something big heals in you with that, with everything that has happened this week. His voice through his bedroom telephone, his whisper, his kiss and all that comes with him. It was years of an ache pushed to the side and replaced with work and shitty boyfriends and all other things. You decided a bit ago not to persecute him for the decision he made at 17, that would just be too cruel.

“Javi, I forgive you.” You mean it. 

“But I’m going to leave you again… in November.”

Lashes wet with tears you shake your head, “I know, I’ll be prepared this time. Let's please stop talking about this and enjoy what we have now.”

You're both silent for a moment, your brain is so foggy again. But this was a different silence, before silence with Javier made your mind run in circles about all the things you could do wrong and all your insecurities, this silence was good. 

“I smelt like you all day.” He finally says.

Your face breaks into a wide smile, “Oh really?”

“Yeah. Was just half hard the whole day thinking about you.”

“Beyako.”

“You were the one who left a little wet spot on my shirt this morning.”

You gasp a dramatic one, you had woken up so hot and beat red. You hadn't thought about how wet you must've been the whole night when you straddled his chest bare bodied. You kissed him sloppy and rushed before he flipped you on your back to go down on you. 

“You have no shame do you?”

He scoffs a sassy one, a classic Javier mannerism. He was always so grumpy towards everyone, sometimes you wondered if he practiced an unbothered yet grumpy face before walking out of his house. He’s going to do so well in Colombia. Your agent. 

“You’re right, could I come over? I’ve missed you all day.”

Your head spins but reality sets in. Your mom would be home at any minute.

 “My moms coming home soon but she’s going to be away all weekend. I was thinking tomorrow you could stay over here.”

He laughs, and you understand how all this sounds. You sounded like teenagers sneaking around, like having sex was number one on the list of taboo acts. Like the two of you aren’t adults with careers. 

“Okay Andrea no need to beg, i’ll be there.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You exhale a laugh. It’s so easy to forget like this, when it’s just Javier and you. You can’t begin to imagine a day of uninterrupted interaction. Your brain almost slips in a fantasy of leaving to New Orleans with him. 

“But-today? How was your day, everything okay with work? Any middle schoolers in need of being scared straight or what?”

You shake your head, forgetting he can’t see you, idiot. 

“One of them called me a cunt today.”

“What the fuck? What’s their name?”

“I’m kidding.”

Javier is silent and then exhales. “Funny.”

“My students are very well behaved and nice to me actually—well nice enough for kids in summer school. I was grading exams., they’re doing really well”

“You’ve always been so smart, used to intimidate the fuck out of me.” He whispers that second half and you’re throbbing already. 

You bite your lip and your cheeks turn bright pink. Why is it that small praises like that make you so hot and flustered?

“Intimidate?” You ask but your voice betrays you. Horny over the phone, this feels illegal. 

The sound of him shifting in bed only lights that white hot flame in the pit of your stomach. He groans a cute little old man one. He acted like such an old man at 23, but it made him all the more endearing. You picture him settling against his headboard, a hand behind his head. God you wished to be in his lap right now. “Mmm. Yeah, whenever you’d get into it with me, i’d be like who the fuck is this little girl? You were so shy but so smart, I know you apparently were crushing on me hard but you surely knew how to put me in my place.” You could hear the reflective nature of his voice. 

You think back to homecoming, how you had felt so fucking torn about telling him off but somehow content with how you handled yourself. Imagining walking the halls with him after telling him straight up that your love life wasn’t his business. You had felt so strong and mighty even though you ached for him to care about who you were with. In a twisted schoolgirl way you wanted all of the protectiveness and jealousy. But to him you hated it all, and you feared he might never like you for being so straight up. 

But he found you smart. And god why does that make you so turned on. 

You hum at the thought, “Little girl? All of you guys always act like I was much younger.”

“By the time I was a freshman I had been much more corrupt than you had been. Same with Lorraine, your brother and Genie.”

You sigh, “I guess but it does suck to think that you saw me that way.” 

Considering I was absolutely desperate to be under you back then, just like I am right now. 

The bed springs snap through the phone, he lets out a deep exhale. You hate to be so direct but god was all the noises he made sexy. “I saw you that way before we were in school together. By the time you were 16 and I was 17 I wanted to fuck you so bad I could barely stay in a room with you.”

“Javi!” You gasp. The full validity of his words don’t settle because you’re already following up. This is your dream. “Are you serious?” You whisper yell like someone can hear you. 

“Yeah? I thought you knew, I tried it at that quinceañera.” 

“That was a one time heat of the moment thing?!”

He chuckles, “No it wasn’t, you think I hadn’t thought about it before?”

“No! You were dating Lorraine.” 

“Prom night? When I walked into your room while you were hitting yourself with a magazine, you looked so pretty I had to splash myself with cold water when I left the room.”

The scene runs through your cerebrum. Him crowding your bed, his hips leveling with your beat red face. The first time he called you querida. 

“Oh wow.”

“Prom night, when I watched you play lacrosse. You really thought I hadn’t liked you too?”

Your eyes narrow, “You. Had. A. Girlfriend!” 

“I guess.” 

“You’re bad.” 

You’re so flustered right now you could barely deal. Legs crossed tight. Desperate to just be with him right now. Pulsing below, why does this turn you on so much? Are you okay? Maybe you’re a sick romantic, the confirmation of him liking you back sends the hottest stomach pitting throb you’ve ever felt. 

And you guess Javier can sense it, “What are you wearing?”

As if you couldn’t get redder. You look down, you wished it was sexier. “I’m in shorts, silk sleep shorts and a tank top.” It’s how you normally slept. 

You could hear a deep inhale from the line. 

“You got a new phone? In your room?”

“Yes, James installed it.”

“So you’re in bed?”

Your breath falters, “I am.”

He’s silent for a moment but then he continues, “Put your hand in your pants.”

You don’t even think twice before your lithe fingers are slipping between your wet folds. You suck in a breath, your cheeks hot along with the tips of your ears. “Mhm.” You moan. 

“How wet are you baby?” And you can hear the stupid fucking smirk in his tone. You’re so turned on you can’t even think to snap at him for torturing you. 

“I’m really wet Javi-please.” 

And he goes silent. Like he’s deciding on what to make you do next, and you’re at his mercy 6 blocks away, at his mercy on the telephone. 

“Go to bed, I'll take care of it tomorrow.”

Your jaw drops, and you search the room for hidden prank cameras. Candid cam style. 

“Javi!?” But he hangs up.

Your eyes widen. What a depraved little image this was. Your lips parted in shock, with a phone between your shoulder and ear with your hand in your shorts. 

Hot and bothered, you kick the exams off the foot of your bed. 

Tomorrow. 

He was going to pay 

[yummyuta]

four sides to every heart | n.y, j.j, l.m

♡ genre: polyamory, (yuta, jaehyun, mark x reader) | fluff, angst, smut (eventually)!

♡ warnings: cheating | there isn't much for now but this will involve mature nsfw themes

♡ authors note: this is pretty self indulgent as i have been on a yujaemark kick lately! this is one of my first times writing smut so hopefully im not biting off more than i can chew here. this will ultimately become a series (at least 3 parts). i hope you all enjoy reading:)

{preview}

word count - 738 words

summary - you had always considered yourself to be a rational and organized person, meticulously planning every detail of your life. that was until your emotions had become a tangled mess, involving four crucial people - your boyfriend yuta, your roommate jaehyun, and your childhood best friend mark.

you and yuta have been dating for nearly a year. you had met through your mutual friend mark and immediately hit it off. "dont be fooled by his looks, his bark isn't bigger than his bite" is what mark had first said when you met the man who looks like a rockstar. your relationship is the epitome of stability, built on respect and affection. yuta is the kind of partner who makes you feel secure, with his gentle demeanor and unwavering support.

enter jaehyun, your new roommate. jaehyun had moved in a few months ago, stepping into your home and your life with a breath of fresh air. he was calm yet charming with an easy boyish smile. conversations were friendly and flowed easily as he had been a part of your life as long as you had known yuta. as you spent more time together, jaehyun's ability to turn mundane tasks into fun activities—like turning a simple grocery run into a mini-adventure, began to intrigue you.

one rainy evening, and a date night with yuta being canceled, you and jaehyun were left alone in the apartment. you decided to make hot chocolate and watch a movie, a cozy and seemingly innocent plan. as you lounged on the couch, jaehyun’s hand brushed against yours, sending an unexpected shiver down your spine. the closeness felt natural, and before you fully realized what was happening, jaehyun leaned in, your lips meeting in a gentle, hesitant kiss. the movie was long, being forgotten as the sound was drowned out by soft sighs and moans. the kiss was brief but electrifying as you pulled away, eyes in a haze as the shock began to pour in, leaving both heart's pounding. guilt washed over your face as you remembered your commitment to yuta. the next few days were filled with tension. you avoided jaehyun, struggling to come to terms with your unknown and sudden feelings. jaehyun, perceptive as ever noticed your concern, however kept his disance.

the emotional turmoil was further complicated by mark, your childhood friend. mark had been a constant in your life, the one man who would never leave your side no matter what challenges you faced. lately, it seemed mark’s concern for you had taken on a deeper, more intimate meaning. he noticed the changes in your mood and the walls you'd been putting between yourself and others and he wasnt about to stand by and watch you retreat further.

mark asked you to meet him at your "spot" to confront you and be honest about his growing feelings. you drove out to the dock overlooking a lake. as you got out and began approaching him, the whiff of the pine trees in the wind hit your nose, bringing back memories of you and mark playing hide and seek in the woods as kids. you sat down next to mark, bringing one arm around his waist as you snuggled close and put your head on his shoulder. mark took a deep, shaky breath before speaking "you know, i've seen you struggling, and i want you to know i'm here for you." he stopped, contemplating his next move. you could tell he was nervous so you took his hand, slowly rubbing circles with your thumb. this only made his heart accelerate faster, and sweat beads began forming on his forehead. he continued, slowly moving his face closer to yours as he spoke in a volume no more than a whisper as if he would scare you away in an instant when he said "i think i want to be more than just your friend.”

you were slightly taken aback but not entirely opposed, its not like you haven't thought about it before. you slowly let go of his hand and moved back, trying to find the right words to say. "i had no idea, this is just… it’s a lot to process.” mark reached out before composing himself and bringing his arms back to his sides. "i understand if you need time. i just needed you to know how i feel."

faced with such honesty from mark, and a secret kiss shared with jaehyun, you decided it was time to confront yuta. as your fist went to knock at his door, your heart ached with the weight of decision. could this be the end or the start of a new beginning?

ending authors note: i hope you enjoyed this preview! i wanted to set the scene, the next few parts will be exploring the dynamics of the relationships even more so i hope you are all looking forward to it.

[gentlebliss]

for my characters i mostly just have a flat colored drawing of the characters full body. i know alot of people joke about the ref sheet rush but very rarely have i actually needed an intensely detailed ref sheet for an attack. if you feel the need to specify any specific design details, you can always just add it to the description. artfight is first and foremost about fun, if doing ref sheets is stressing you out, you dont have to do them!

The only character I really care to enter has a simplistic design that I wouldn't feel the need to stress any details about too much. She doesn't have any specific clothing she must wear, or any important small details to her design, so I don't think anything with lots of detail and information would be too necessary. The only thing I would think of being a small detail would be her "underbelly" parts being a lighter shade of her body color but I think all the drawings I already have demonstrate that enough.

I do have a full body of her but it isn't for reference or anything, it's just a regular drawing. Maybe if a full reference sheet isn't exactly necessary, then all of the drawings I have of her should do. I just don't want to make it hard or complicated on anyone else. ^^;; I might try to make a simple full body sheet for her, but if I end up not really doing that, I'll hope that what I have will be fine enough.

Thank you!

[valgasnewsthings]

I dont want,that my baby will sick. Baby s infections.

 Answer's doctor , pediatrist Butuzova.

Hello, Am Eugenia, on my 19 y.old am having baby, we are living in small town, parents are very far from us, and advice to us,a how to be a young mum, and recently we are talked about diseases, meeting in babies, friends are share, that babies are often and much sick, am true feared, am need ,that to prevent theirs diseases. Talk about baby s infections, symptoms, reasons and displays. And about a preventing methods. Am heard,that mum d breast milk ability to prevent theirs, a, worry in milk woof, am sure ,that my baby will see a world. 

And in group for baby s infections are entering  rubella, epidemic parotitis, scarlet fever, and other baby s diseases. Rare are schooner, adults are rare having scarlet fever, but these diseases very contagious, all babies will sick, if contacted with other, and who sicked from these diseases after displaying lifelong immunity to repeat infection.

A first year in baby is enduring without  consequences.As on pregnancy, mum s blood and baby are mixing, and from her transferring to baby antibodies to lots of infections, to which mum  sicked too. When baby was born, his protects a colostrum, with immune globulins rich, thus a few times a baby protected from infections, if baby feed with breast within a year, thus his immunity will strong. When baby grows  and enters in kindergarten, thus beginning an era for infection, if baby not in kindergarten, thus diseases displaying at school. As by stats if baby is smaller, thus he's enduring easy diseases, thus a few mums are sure, that not need to care from infection, let s they are sick at school, that a better, that lost lessons at school. And here is having a share of truth. And I think a care from infection a child need always and not depending on from age, and infection is a hard enduring for children's any age, and stress for organism, and hit by health, and about infection is detailed.

Rubells.

Virus diseases by air-dropsy ways spreading, as in long contact of sicked children with healthy, since a moment for infection to displaying first signs are 2-3 weeks. And beginning with increasing occiput lymph nodules and high temperature, and later adding sneezing and coughing, later is pink rash, and individual points are not merging, in a few hours points are disappearing for all time, and specifical cure not having, fighting just with symptoms, lowering temperature, drops in nose enter, and give expectorants in cough.

Parotitis.

Virus diseases, in inflammation saliva glands, by air-dropsy ways infecting and high temperature till 39C, strong ear aches, neck top part edema, increasing salivation, diseases keeping 4 days, after all symptoms disappearing, but complications also having, virus causing inflammations in gland tissue and often suffering pancreas and sex glands.

Scarlet fever.

Causing bacterias, by streptococcus groups A. by air-dropsy way infecting, and by contact-house-hold way. Baby transferring diseases to each other, as playing together, using common toys, or dish. And acute displaying as till fast temperature rising till 39C, vomiting, headaches, tiredness and weakness, and importance sign is angina. Red throat with white covering, in a few days tongue is scarlet, covering with white, transferring on palate and tongue, in a few times tongue staying scarlet and grainy big. To the evening or on second day is small rash displaying on all body, and chin on, skin between nose, lip isnot attacking. Rash keep a few days, but angina keeping 1-1.5 weeks. And cure here with antibiotics, as by specialist selecting.

Rotavirus infection.

Season time, on cold, rainy years, incubation time is 1-2  days, base signs are temperature rising, diarrhoea watering, vomiting, sickness. Bad sleep, cry, weak, bowel destroys are belly aches, meteorism, rumbling, and for agent finding and diagnosis put check stool test, and cure is right away as with dropper, if at home cure, add more drink, tea with lemon, not sweet compotes, morses, glucose-salted solutions, and diseases causing viruses , thus antibiotics not using, prescribing anti virus remedies and preparations for restoring bowel flora. These are base baby s infections, on any cases visit doctor, self cure is avoiding, be healthy!

from Valga s health news,gardening,and cooking ,and beauty . https://ift.tt/qAJ4GSV via https://ift.tt/ALOjv2f

[icharchivist]

i know last post is a joke and it's bc chikage clearly has issues and like i say that all the time that i have 0 standarts but also I'm joking when i say that :( he has a lot of fascinating elements to him and he's much better than that...

(fucktons of spoilers for act 2 underneath) (also it got long)

yeah chikage has a terrible start in the story and he sure has flaws but he's also like a chara who canonically tends to repress his trauma and i could argue that a lot of his bad traits come from that in particular and i have so much sympathy for it (even more so since he begs for help about being saved from it in his character song)

to me it's someone who's been thrown into an awful situation and coped as he could, the fact he considers truth a weakness is indication that he could never feel safe being truthful, and the circumstances of his grief really put the fact he has unhealthy coping mechanism on fire to burn the only person he still cared about.

not to mention i think there's something just to be said about his dedication to stay in the organization to protect hisoka because it's the acknowledgement that his hands are so dirty anyway that he can keep dirtying them if it means he can protect the people he loves, but like again, in his song he begs to "be saved from this fate" so i doubt it's something he's doing because he truly doesn't mind - August wanted to free him too after all, and he knew Chikage better than anyone.

and imo there's a layer of self hatred that comes with being dedicated in staying the monster. just like also in citron's arc he accepts to be "the villain" again and be hated if that's what Citron needs of him, Chikage has no fun at all about it and he doesn't even bother to lie about it either which imo shows how much he's throwing his life away for others.

not to mention his lies are also a reflexion of that - by denying others of knowing about him he's sacrificing a part of his identity to keep everyone's safe and imo the fact he was truthful to Tsuzuru about that ways before he considered the spring troupe family (and that the lie he tells tsuzuru to get him to protect himself is still based on half truth) show that it's not something he's doing out of joy and that even at his worst he still considered ways to protect those people (even if it was for something as simple as he projected August on Tsuzuru that time)

also i do think a few of his deeper lies are based on half truth which i find fascinating. the story he tells Tsuzuru clearly is supposed to evoke August and Hisoka. The lie he tells Sakyo about where he was with Izumi is based on, if you boil it down, "making things right for your sibling" which is still exactly what happened then.

also to anyone who called his lies gaslighting, please actually research what gaslighting is because it's not what he's doing. it's not a synonym for lying. gaslighting implies wanting to make their victim doubt their reality by enforcing that their recolection of an event was made up by them and remplacing said recolection by a lie. it's a manipulation tool to make people think they cannot even trust themselves. and it is a paterns, not a one off thing, because it's a form of long term abuse. Chikage always says he's lying about himself, not about what people think they know, he made it clear that people shouldn't trust what he's saying, the only "lie" he keeps up is about his identity and it's to protect everyone, even in the end he tells Sakyo that he wishes he could tell the truth but he can't share it. "Rather than fooling others, i'm better at fooling myself" as he says in his character song. also another indication than his lies are a coping mechanisms to set distance with his own feelings and keeping people from getting too close, not to manipulate others. (note also that as far as i can tell he never lied to Hisoka, ie the only person who actually knows him).

when people love or relate to a character who sees themselves as the villain, as the monster, there's deeper truth that can be unveilled for that.

and if he's honest about it, considering his thoughts on his mother and step dad(s) i think there is a deep cut into his ability to trust others because of that situation and it is so deep that it's probably more arguments on why he closed himself to this point. also i know ppl are mad at the direction this took and yeah i get it but it's a him problem, he just doesn't want to be touched and I'm still mhmmm at the amount of trust you must have lost from your parents to get to such a level of repulsion.

but without even going that deep a lot of Chikage's fans I've met are Gekka fans and they're especially emotional over his dynamic with Hisoka and his attempts to now make things right toward him. and imo part of the reason Chikage doesn't apologize (which i saw people being angry about) is because he doesn't even forgive himself for the things he's done, he's doing the right thing now because he wants to protect what he loves but i don't think he deserves to be forgiven, which is why he also tried to run away that one time, before he could have this one convo with Hisoka when they talked about their shared trauma.

(tbh add the lyrics to Scarlet Game where Hisoka says "but only i was forgiven" because he's the only one who got out of the organization in the end and allowed to move on while it acknowledge that as long as Chikage remains in the organization he is stuck unable to move on from the horrible things he has done and will do for it. Chikage is like trapped and he picked that fate to make sure Hisoka was safe but it's so sad.)

I'd also argue that considering act 2 acts in pair, with the spring and winter chapter foiling each other and summer and autumn doing so as well, Chikage's family mistrust and how it impacted him can and should be set in parallelism with Guy's situation, because both seem to have been coping with their mother's poor decisions in men and the neglect that followed in letting their kids being hurt and repressing themselves because of that and joining organization where both could be tools with a distance toward their emotions. tho that does rely on Chikage telling the truth about that one thing but so far I'd tend to believe it.

Chikage's copings are a dumpfire and it doesn't help that his grief was so raw that he just fucked up everything, but the amount of trauma that hides underneath is so compelling to me.

also lbr but i also don't trust someone who keeps a potion used to comit suicide on him at all time is someone who is completely at peace with his life. the organization likely wired in all gekka that their lives didn't matter and that they should throw it out for the organization and imo it gave them a unhealthy rapport to death. even the fact Chikage did threatens Hisoka that he "should not come back alive if August dies" the aftermath showed that it's not something Chikage seriously thought. imo i believe Chikage believed that, but when he learnt of Hisoka's death he must have felt partially responsible and realized the weight of his words. while it's an horrible thing to say the fact Hisoka rolled his eyes at it means, imo, that they were both wired in not setting values into their lives anyway. and considering how quickly Hisoka tRIED TO KILL HIMSELF i would actually bet that it extends to Chikage. i believe both of them were wired with suicidal thoughts they could easily act on. again, the fact August tempered with the potions imo really show he expected both brothers one day to kill themselves and he tried to prevent that blaming himself for it. so yeah while what Chikage told Hisoka was awful, they were probably both raised with that mindset, Chikage realized too late the weight of this mindset and has now an opportunity to fix it, but i also think it shouldn't be brushed off that Hisoka acted on it and tried to kill himself and that by all account, Chikage would have a similar thought process.

(also feel like it reflects in their character song of suicidal idealization but in different ways: Hisoka of not wanting to wake up, to keep living in a dream because reality frightens him and he's scared of himself, while Chikage's would probably be more about how he feels like he cannot be saved from his fate. that's overreading though but i think about it a lot)

ALSO (this is the fourth time I'm editing this post with an addition) his spice addiction is something to consider bc I've read a thread about it once and, it seems that, spices unleash specific chemicals that sends a pain reaction to the brain that is answered with andorphine to ease the pain and it is what brings joy out of it. Chikage eats an ungodly amount of spice which is already alarming, he mentions it's the only food he can bear to eat but it took him a long while to appreciate it, so the guy just needed Homemade Chemicals to be stable and ironically those involve pain. it also can product an addiction and we know Chikage feels it that way bc of his "I'm in spice withdraw" line and that in his vampire backstage when he tries to stop eating spice it reflects on his mood a lot, Hisoka gets alarmed by how much of a bad mood Chikage is in. so like... it's not healthy for Chikage to do that and while now he probably eats spice just to eat it and the chemical reactions doesn't do as much effect (like coffeeaddiction) it still is that Chikage had to find ways to cope with his life and now he can't really let go and it's super sad to me?

and it's honestly incredible because i started this post wanting to share very personal reasons Chikage's arc echoed with me but instead with the preface alone it's a character meta that just stands on its own, so like, feel that i feel all of that for him while also having deeply personal reasons to connect with him. (not relate tho, not... really, but connect and feel sympathy)

so yeah i know I'm also one to joke about my low standarts when it comes to how i love Chikage because he has glaring flaws but all i see is a wounded man and i feel so much for him and imo there's a lot, lot of reasons to feel sympathy for him.

so yeah i love Chikage bye.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Begrudgingly trying to look for a new phone because my current one (which I’ve had for 8 years) is having some issues but like......hhh.. Every person I know who has a newer phone like.. theirs SUCKS lol.. you can’t take the back off/battery out, some you can’t even change out the microSD because apparently they expect you to just use evil ~~cloud storage~~ or whatever nonsense, they come with so many apps built in which you can disable but not fully delete (wasting space on the phone), can’t control when updates happen, one of my friend’s has to be connected to the internet just to get voicemails??? like having to be connected to wifi or mobile data just for some BASIC functionalities is insane (I prefer to keep my internet disabled at all times unless using it, hate the idea of just being internet connected constantly in the background and having all these apps sending and receiving data and giving dumbass notifications when I’m not even actively using them), SOME of them don’t even have a built-in GENERIC notes app or media player (like I’m just supposed to download spotify instead of using my collection of youtube to mp3 files?? lmao) or photo viewer (I know someone who doesn’t have a generic ‘photos’ app, just “Google Photos’ which prompts them to make an account and login every time they open the wretched thing), etc. etc. etc. 

Genuinely, if it weren’t for my need to be able to use the internet to map and check bus directions/look up things on the go when needed, organize/transport files, and take photos on a whim when I may not have my camera with me - I would legit just get one of those basic non-smart phones where you can only text and make calls lol ... alas... ToT

[yaomomvs]

SEIJOH MANANGER HEADCANONS

seijoh, aoba johsai x reader | slight oikawa, iwaizumi and kunimi x reader.

a/n: ugh! i just love my seijoh boys so much! and so, i decided to make one more headcanons for them, tysm! hopefully i’ll do inarizaki next or maybe karasuno.

a bit long but i just love them,and i will do a part two mainly focusing on while they do volleyball this is more of random things

other seijoh!manager works: one | two

the volume in this bus is ASTRONOMICAL

you actually never thought of joining a club, specially a sports one.

but you needed it, so while looking at the board of the school’s options you were unsure.

“i just really need something not that complicated, and that helps me helping others” you muttered to yourself

little did you know the coach of the volleyball team was there, this nice man turned to you and offered you a place in the team.

“but please if you are one of oikawa’s fangirls dont-” “who now?” you genuinely asked. seeing that you didn’t had a clue of who he was talking about he immediately handed the application for to you.

it was first day and you were already late, but you managed to enter the gym half way practice.

you guys remember that tanaka and kiyoko scene in s4? well it was the same

“sorry for being late coach!” your voice sounded all over the place since someone was serving and it was pretty quiet.

ALL OF THEM WERE SHOCKED LIKE 🧍🏻‍♀️

the serve even hit yahaba’s face because everyone got distracted by your beauty

“i- did i do something?” “existing omg”

the coach lined up everyone and they greeted you welcoming you to the team.

you were flustered because it was like you never had a lot of guys around you and now you had to take care of all of them and also

aoba johsai’s team had one of the most attractive boys around likeeee

now, a year later, the energy is purely chaotic.

and i mean like

kindaichi and kunimi are lowkey the ones who respect you the most

not only because you, even if it was for only a year, you were their upperclassman but also you had presence

when karasuno came to the practice andy oh catched both of them after talking to kageyama in the bathroom, you pinched their ears and scolded them

“you both do that again and i’m not being compassionate” “SORRY Y/N”

but also lowkey your admirers

kunimi literally only showed strong emotions around you

“i brought you some sweets” he regularly says

“oh you are great! thank you kunimi!”you appreciated this guys little details with you

“so you have a favoritism with our manager huh?”

“y/n permission to hit kindaichi”

“permission conceded”

kindaichi also respected you because you, when he entered seijoh months ago, were one of the ones who made him believe and helped getting over that anger he had with his ex teammates and you even assured that kageyama was the reason he got better, even if he wouldn’t accept it

the second years, your literal followers

like seriously yahaba watori were always around you.

being in the same grade and class as both dod not helped a lot.

they are like puppies with anxiety separation

because you are the reason they feel loved and cared for

they always sit next to you in class, and they make sure you are comfortable with it.

you need help with hw? watori always is there

yahaba lets you paint his nails every time you got bored in class

you were such a powerful trio

they always bring your favorite drink in the mornin

you even developed this sixth sense where if you just look at each other you know exactly who are you making fun of without even speaking

you always make fun of the shit way of yahaba to flirt oml

and you even advice him on what should he do or not when meeting someone new.

istg if it was not bc of you he would have never got his first date with his crush

kyoutani later joined you, but he had trouble on trusting you

but seeing all the team laying on you he actually let himself rely on another person for the first time

he was the one who scared those stupid volleyball boys fan girls (oikawa’s or the other guys ones) away from you

he also thinks that you are not bad physically talking and he actually says it but privately

he also whenever he is mad or just frustrated comes to you and what he likes is that you don’t go in deep of the details but instead you try to distract him with random thing you say.

“guys i told you several times” you laughed “i do have other thing to do! it not like i can attend every night out with you! i have other friends too!”

“so, we are not watching cartoons tonight?”

“i hate you all so much” you surrendered “see you at 8 pm”

you became the second years core four

and also they looked up to you a lot, why? because you are the only people who always deals with the third years shit

god i think your connection with the third years was only a bit more noticeable than the second years

why? you were not afraid to mess up with them

to be real iwaizumi as oikawa caught your eye since moment one, they were naturally attractive and talented but you made a promise to not fall for anyone

omg you were so wrong

if it was iwaizumi, he always made sure you felt comfortable around

you were no vb genius so he took the time to explain you a bunch of things you did not know 🥺

also, he’s the kind of guy to stop everyone spiking because you were crossing through the gym so no ball gets you

he is the one who always search for you in school, asked about your day, and stuff that might seem basic but it was really meaningful

like he is the kind of guy who memorizes all your favorite places, treats, music anything and actually tries to get you to talk about it

oikawa on the other hand was the one who actually made you feel like part of them

he is so sweet!

like

oikawa only starts practice when you are there

like bold of someone to start hitting a ball without you there, he considered you part of the team, so he always waited for you

he walked you home or nearby every time he could he wanted you safe

his eyes always always instantly light up and screams “y/n-chan!” and immediately runs to you

but also he is the one who search you the most around

if it was lunch time he went to your home room and literally lunches with you no matter what or who

he never lets anyone lend you their hoodie, it always has to be his that you are wearing

he self crowned himself as your favorite

he hugs you out of nowhere istg is the best feeling ever

hanamaki also also also considers you priority

he is kinda more of the lowkey one, he is mainly the one who checks up on you

he once spotted a bruise in your arm and he immediately freaked out

“DO I HAVE TO FIGHT SOMEONE” “god no! i just dropped a huge book there!”

hanamaki is the one who waits for you in the entrance of the gym to walk with you to practice

he also is the first one to notice if something is wrong with you along with iwachan

they both unintentionally pay attention to you a lot and if you do something out of the common they just approach you

and they are always right

“what’s wrong y/n?” hanamaki says

“yeah, is everything okay you need anything?” iwaizumi continues.

“what do you mean guys? i’m okay” you obviously try to lie.

“no you are not, you are acting different”

“yea iwachan is right you always change yous t shirt before practice and the way you are ordering the volleyballs is off”

“why do know me so well” you indeed had a terrible day, so you almost tear up bb of that and be of how amazing your boys were to you sometimes”

“come here little one”

you heard a pout

“i see you oikawa, you can get a hug too. matsu come here”

matsukawa is your hype man

he loves messing with you like in the big brother sister way

like if a guy asked you out he’d be like “sis you can do so much better”

you are always being salty whether it’s between you or other ones

besides if you do have a crush on anyone on the team matsu is the only one to know

and he’d constantly blackmail you with that

“if you don’t buy me anything from the vending machine i will tell oikawa you actually swoon for him” “OKAY FINE”

“tell the coach that we do not need laps or iwaizumi is gonna knowwwww about” “i hate you so much”

but returning to the point you always messed with them specially the four third years

and you were so good at it

one day, you ‘innocently’ mentioned to the boys “i’m just telling you! i’ve never seen two pretty best friends, one of them always gotta be ugly”

GOD LORD THE BOMB YOU JUST ACTIVATED

THEY SPENT A WHOLE WEEK TRYING TO FUGURE OUT WHO WAS THE PRETTY BEST FRIEND BETWEEN IWA AND OIKAWA, ALSO MATSU AND HANAMAKI AHHAHAHAAH

your third years never made you feel insecure

like if you think idk listening to btr was weird because someone in the past made you feel like it be sure the next day they WILL PLAY FUCKING BIG TIME RUSH IN PRACTICE ONLY FOR YOU TO VIBE WITH THEM

also they all four have this little thought that they have to be the ones who protect you

in the court you looked out for them, outside of it they were the ones who did that

if you were teased or someone even had the audacity to make fun of you it could go three ways

you stoping kyoutani and yahaba because they were so ready to throw hands

matsukawa, hanamaki and kunimi just taking you out of there and rather say positive thinks about you

or oikawa and iwaizumi behind you giving the saltiest and meanest glares to whoever dared talking you that way and saying “and you still wonder why people don’t like you?, ” then iwaizumi says “you are right oikawa, you piece of crap have your entire life to be a jerk. take a day off your stupidity won’t left anyways”

god you sure loved those guys

BUT

as it can be really useful sometimes there were other times were they become so annoying

specially when it’s about someone liking you.

like romantic styles

i live for the idea that the vb team had obviously fangirls, oikawa mostly. but you also did

like yeah the fangirls of oikawa and the boys envied you

but the guys in aoba johsai high envied the volleyball team even more

god bless the poor guy or girl who DARES to ask you out

like please someone stop them 😭

on valentine’s day you came to practice a bit late just because you needed to figure it out how to organize all the fucking love letters and the chocolates and flowers that you got over the day.

oikawa was already worried as he always waited for you to start, and so were the guys so they decided to warm up a bit more to wait.

you crossed the door with thousands of gifts and all of that barely catching the ones which you dropped. because at this point you did not even try to hide it from the boys, you just wanted them to start practice.

he looked at you and knew exactly what that meant. he received this every once in a while, but god what was that feeling in his chest when some other people like you?

iwaizumi felt that too, that weird feeling not wanting anyone to think about you that wayyyyy

the rest of the boys had divided opinions but still you were their manager.

“so did all this came from...”

“yes matsu...”

“okay but for scientific purposes we need the names”

“HANAMAKI NO”

poor boys, they just are all scared that you’ll leave them because of someone

what a dramatic queens they are all

some of them didn’t like it bc they also had a big crush on you

so what they do is that they gatekeep anyone from you

like oml if they ever catched you and a girl or guy and they knew they liked you they constantly beg for your attention.

and it’s not only because they are being dramatic but also because they remember last year when you went out with some random dude and broke your heart like

they almost killed that guy

so they wanted you to feel happy and safe

to them? honestly you are the light of their life.

they dedicate every game to you, they take care of you, they listen to you, they brag about you, they love you

because honestly you did all that for them first

and ever since then they made sure to return that to you.

[angsty-nerd]

Meta: Echo’s Big Fight in 3x09

Let's talk about the Big Echo fight. Because wandering around in the fandom this past week, I’ve seen a lot of very specific conclusions as far as what they were or weren't arguing about, and I’m not sure my take on that scene really aligns with other folks. So let me try to break it down a bit and give y’all an alternative perspective on it.

To start with, the scene opens with Max on edge because they're breaking and entering. Liz is singularly focused on the mission, and he's kinda freaking out. Instead of responding to his concerns, Liz gets straight to business.

"Ooh, ooh, this is interesting. Heath left Genoryx two days after I did. Must have realized he didn't need to be working underneath their corporate thumb."

Liz is kinda projecting here. Heath never once displayed any discomfort with Genoryx as a company the way that she did. He wanted her to stay. He wanted the resources there. We know these things as an audience, and Liz would too if she was thinking through the big picture at this point in time.

Max, on the other hand, doesn't know any of that. Here's what Max hears from Liz: he hears surprise. He hears Liz acknowledge that this is unexpected news. And right as he’s processing this unexpected reveal...Max sees Heath's Wild Pony t-shirt.

Weird coincidence #1 from Max's POV was Heath (the guy who is currently so pissed at Liz that he won't take her calls) supposedly rescuing Liz's science out of the good of his heart so that Genoryx doesn’t get their hands on it? This doesn't add up.

Weird coincidence #2 was Heath quitting Genoryx - a decision Heath made that Liz wasn't expecting.

The Wild Pony t-shirt is now the 3rd thing that doesn't add up. And if the t-shirt clue isn't adding up for you, see my post about it here:

The T-shirt is strike 3 for Max. He can't really pretend that he's not suspicious of Heath anymore. So he broaches the subject with her.

"How much do you know about this guy, Heath? How close were you?"

Max is feeling uncomfortable and looking for more information. He's trying to make the clue make sense. Why would Heath have the T-shirt? Does he have a connection to Roswell that Liz doesn't know about? And Liz doesn’t listen.

"This isn't the time to be jealous about a boy I met."

For all that Liz is clinical and on mission, she jumps very quickly to assuming that Max is NOT on mission. Yes, Max is inherently more emotional than she is. But throughout the episode he's been asking questions about Heath and NOT JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS. That's one of the keys to me here. Max really is trying to give her the benefit of the doubt about him.

At Liz's house, he asked about "the boyfriend" but he wasn't doing it in a jealous or judgy way. If anything it could almost be interpreted as concern. He started with "were you happy" and only when Liz kind of metaphorically admitted that any happiness was a façade...that's when he brought Heath into it. And yeah, Liz says that he impacted her life and helped her grow, but she didn't exactly express romantic feelings that would make Max jealous. So when she basically jumped straight to the jealousy assumption instead of actually discussing this with him, he starts getting worked up. Because she is not hearing him. She is not acknowledging that the facts they have found during this investigation are not adding up. So he is honest and blunt about what he's thinking.

"I'm just saying it's possible that he took your one-of-a-kind alien spores and quit, so that, just like you, he could use the research himself, free of Genoryx."

Max is the one who brings the science into this conversation. Not Liz. And he's not criticizing or questioning HER application of the science. He's questioning the trustworthiness of Heath. Because the lies are starting to jump out at him like a friggin’ neon light.

BUT — now that he's specifically brought up the science, he has her attention. Because Max questioning her science is HER sore spot. So what does she say back to him? Something kinda judgy.

"That grand trust speech certainly had a short shelf life."

Side note: I really don't think there actually was a "grand trust speech" in this episode. I can think of a few scenes where there might have been an opportunity for one. In particular during the milkshake scene when he admits to saving her tapes. But they actually don't talk about trust in that scene. They talk about having hard conversations. They talk about moving forward instead of looking backwards. But they don't talk about trust. My guess is that there might have been content cut for time at some point in this episode, that may have included some grand declaration from Max, but that's really just speculation on my part.

Regardless…Liz's response to Max bringing up the science is to basically accuse him of not trusting her. Which is not what he was saying. He was not questioning her use of the science. He was questioning her trust in Heath through the context of her science. So he elaborates on what he IS saying, and as he does, he's getting more and more worked up...because this does relate directly to his personal fears, and, frankly, his buried trauma that he's never properly addressed.

"I trust you. Okay? But I don't trust some guy I have barely met with a secret that could endanger me, could endanger my family and break the frickin' Internet if it came out."

Max doesn't know Heath, and he doesn't trust Heath with a secret that could endanger Michael and Isobel. His emotions are escalating, because now he's thinking about the science that scares him in the hands of a guy that all signs points to being potentially untrustworthy, and he's triggered.

BUT he doesn't back up his argument. He doesn't point out the very specific evidence he's identified that Heath is probably lying to Liz.

And Liz is inherently reactive and sometimes overly defensive (see 1x09 list of Liz's flaws). So even though he's focused on Heath, she immediately reacts defensively and takes it as a criticism of HER.

"You think I would let myself be conned?"

"No, I think you came out here looking for a partner, and it could blind you."

*deep breath* and this is where it starts to get personal. And rough. Max isn't entirely wrong here. But he also kind of is. Liz didn't choose Genoryx for partnership. She was looking for resources, freedom to do the science she wanted to do, and to save her father from deportation.

But partnership? Yeah, Liz wanted that. But she wanted that from MAX. She was looking for partnership in life, not in science.

And now that Max has thrown that direct criticism out there, Liz is going to throw a bomb right back at him.

"Just because you sabotaged me when I thought you were mine does not mean that Heath would take the same path."

Ouch. This is the hardest line in this whole scene for me to work with. Because it is combative. And purposefully hurtful.

BUT…she is NOT TALKING ABOUT HER SCIENCE. She has not said a single word about her science in this argument. She moved past that. She had the epiphany that she was wrong and she apologized (3x03). That is in the past for her.

This argument, for Liz, is about betrayal. This is about her believing that they were going to be partners and move their lives forward together (2x12), and right when she believed in that future, Max made another massive decision that directly impacted her life (just like he did in 1x13) instead of working with her to make big decisions together.

"And just because you changed the wallpaper doesn't mean you've mended your blind spots."

I really hate this "change the wallpaper" line. It feels like they're mixing metaphors. Liz called her life a commercial. Max is saying that she's changed her decor. Like...pick one and stick with it.

That aside… I think this barb is about her arrogance. Earlier in the scene, she seemed baffled at the idea that Max believes she could have been conned by Heath, because Liz is used to always being the smartest person in the room. She thought she was smarter than Diego and he figured her out. She believed her lab was secure, but Diego (possibly) got in. Sometimes, like most scientists, Liz is so bogged down in the complicated, brilliant details she’s thinking through, that she misses simple things that contribute to the big picture. And I think that's what Max is getting at here. In her arrogance, she believes that she can control the Heath situation. But she's not acknowledging the human factor here - that Heath is a person who may have his own unspoken ulterior motives driving him. Just like Diego did. She's just not seeing what Max is seeing.

BUT - again I'll say. Max is also not communicating the scope of the evidence he is collecting. They're both wrong here.

"I have learned my lessons, but you... oh, my God, you sound an awful lot like the guy who blew up my lab. So forgive me, but you're making it perfectly clear why I felt like I had to go and change the wallpaper."

This is the only line where Liz even comes close to talking about her science, but again, she's talking about his betrayal. She's talking about him undermining their partnership. She's talking about her need for a change of scenery from HIM.

And that’s when Max blows out the safe and they put the fight on hold to finish their investigation.

But, to sum it up…the fight was all about trust and betrayal. It was necessary for them to work through it, though frankly? I wish they could have finished the discussion. Because instead of them coming to some sort of peace with their trust in each other, the truth came out about Heath, Liz realized that she was wrong, she apologized, and they moved forward together, on mission.

I can’t help pointing out though…after the fight and Liz's epiphany about Heath, Max and Liz spent at least 15 hours in a car together. And I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that they didn't talk about anything important for 15 hours. Fic writers assemble? 😆

Many thanks to @ober-affen-geil for doing a quick review and checking me on opinions vs facts. Very important.

And for my next trick… road trips, life choices, and Robert Frost! Coming soon to a Tumblr near you…

[mossy-aro]

hi! i've seen you posting about koisenu futari, and it's something I think I'd be interested in watching, but I'm not sure where to find it? I'd probably need english subtitles available but I dont mind whether theres an English dub or not, so I was just wondering if you know a good site/service i can watch it on? thanks!

hi!! when i watched it it wasn’t actually out on any streaming platforms/websites w subs yet, so i used VLC media player (which is a program you can go download online) and plugged in both the downloaded episode plus the subtitle file. This post might help you out a bit!

To go into more detail, here are the steps I took:

1) download VLC media player (you can just Google this and it’ll come up. It’s totally free)

2) download both the subtitle and episode files.

to download the episode, you can go to JRaws or any other website that has the raw (unsubbed) episode content.

to download the subtitles, go to @/KaizenSubs on Twitter (I think their account is private right now so you’ll have to wait for them to accept you) - they have a Google Docs where they keep the sub files, which are labelled (name).ass. Download this as well.

3) Once you have both downloaded, go into VLC media player and click ‘open media’ (this may vary depending on your version of the program). This is the screen you want:

4) Enter the raw episode file into the ‘choose a file’ and the sub file into the ‘subtitle file’. Then click ‘open’.

5) Enjoy the show! :)

It sounds a bit complicated but I promise it’s really not once you figure it out. If you have any further questions don’t hesitate to ask!

[simluvbot]

Enhypen as dates they would take you on <3

tags: gn!reader, established relationship au, fluff, bf! enha

members: all members !!

wc: 400-800ish for each member ?? this is very long uh I’m sorry I got carried away

a/n: hi, welcome to my first piece of writing on this blog 😁😁 I tried to write so that these matched the members and their personalities the most! Also as this is my first post any interaction is so cherished 🥺 but anyways,, I hope you enjoy :D

open to read

Heeseung

he would take you to so many fun places!!

Your dates would consist of going bowling together, theme parks, a walk in the park — you can count on having a fun time with heeseung!

He would just want to impress you );

He’s be always so attentive to you and remember even the littlest of details about you

You’d be in a shop together looking around and he’ll tap your shoulder, showing you a lace shirt that you instantly fall in love with

It’s just your style!

You’d ask him how he knew you would like it, to which he would simply mumble  with, “you told me a few months ago that you like shirts like this.”

You’d just stand in shock like :ooo

Not even you remember telling him that ):

Please he loves you so much, if it’s something that you tell him you like or don’t like, he’ll immediately store it in his memory! He wants to know so much more about you 🥺

Your dates are definitely what you look forward to whenever you see him!!

As much as you love fun day outs with him, you also love your chiller night dates at him <3

Meeting each other late at night after practice? A must!! No way can you let your hee go home alone when he’s the last leaving the practice room after a long day ):<

You would often surprise him by showing up at belift at ungodly hours, and as much as he would scold you with a light frown for coming to see him when it’s already half past midnight,,

You still always catch that small little smile he has whenever you do surprise him hehe

to be aware of just the fact that youre there? is enough for him. you ground him and its especially those spontaneous dates youll throw upon him and inevitably show him without the words uttered that you care for him and you love him? 

those are secretley his fave (: but he doesnt have to tell you that - youve already guessed :D

But at the same time on those late night after-practice dates he just wants to make sure that you’re not staying up too late all the time just to make sure he’s doing okay after practice, his y/nnie needs their sleep too ):

And what you’ll do together? Eat ramen of course!!

Although these little late night dates with him usually dont last no longer than an hour, he still treasures them so dearly in his heart ):

Hee sometimes needs a lot of love and assurance, even if he doesn’t mention it

And you’re the best at making him feel better instantly 🥺

but we seriously cant forget about your daytime dates too! each date of yours is always filled with so so many jokes and giggles that your hearts burn with longing for the other whenever you part ways ):

i can see that he’ll even store the memory of your dates even weeks after they’ve happened - he’ll store those memories of you; all in his heart (and the polaroid he took of you in the back of his phonecase 😳) and tucked close.

Jake

as for dates, to me he seems the type to be into really spontaneous and random things!! He’d love going somewhere fun or just simply randomly travelling with you without a destination!

He especially loves to sneak out of the dorm late at night and meet you at you and his favourite park.

It’s located at the top of a really tall hill, and you’ll both spend hours sitting on the swings, chatting away with little care for the rest of the world or the time as you both simply giggle at each other’s jokes and contentedly talk about anything and everything; watching the city lights glow from hundreds of metres below you

He’d offer you his jacket when the temperature drops by a few degrees suddenly

You’d be like no!! It’s okay you should also stay warm, I’m okay 🥺

But then because he is such a sweetheart he’d huff and sit next to you on the swing, making the single-seater far too cramped as he tries to supply you with his body heat if that’s the only way that you’ll accept not freezing to death 😠

But then you’ll both slip due to there not being enough space for both of you on the wing, and your both fall flat down on your butts lmao

You’d both freeze, staring at each other blankly on the floor

but then you’d both crack up and laugh for the longest time — hushing each other in-between giggles from the fear of maybe you were being a bit too loud and could wake some people up?

But then you’d both fall into giggling messes once again as you blame each other for causing the other to fall down ):

You’d eventually sit together huddled on a bench, sitting in silence and simply staring out at seoul’s twinkling night lights as you share his leather jacket: heavy and warm as it drapes across you and his’ shoulders

But eventually you’d both finally head home! — your eyelids soon growing too heavy and both of you afraid of accidentally falling asleep at a park at 1am lmfao

idk why but i can just see a lot of late-night dates with jake,, such as

baking cookies together at 1am???? probably has happened twice already in your relationship aha 😁

honestly you both spend so much time together casually that you end up arguing on whether that time where he randomly showed up at your house wanting to make relationship bracelets together was really a date or not lmao

he is also so <3 so incredibly sweet too though uGH. he is a sweetheart and like heeseung he will remember every little detail of you which will be useful for when he comes up with more date ideas in the future (

on dates such as eating at a restaurant together he will always bring you flowers like the gentleman he is.

it’s kinda funny because when youre both on a date together alone with no other people around you both become complete crackheads

but when meeting in front of others he acts so mature and serious suddenly lmao ?? 

but honestly he just trusts and loves you so so much that he doesnt even feel like he needs to act a certain way or try to become someone complteley different on a date just to impress you

but its okay because you love the duality of jake sim <3

someone get me him pls. i want one </3

Jay

With jay, shopping dates ??? yes of course (;

he’d simply love taking you out either down a road with many well-known clothing brands or maybe even the mall, entering several clothing stores with you

he never mentions it, but its obvious how much he simply adores seeing you wear the clothes he picks out for you :D

oh and matching couple outfits are obviously always chosen whenever you go out on these fashion dates!!

he will pick out a selection of items he thinks will look good on you, and - to admit it to himself: he does a pretty good damn job

tell me why this boy will get so flustered whenever he sees you walk out of the changing room,, looking so pretty in what he chose for you ??

he’d also one day surprise you on a date with matching couple bracelets :D

you’ll get so excited and he’ll get so shy and try to hide his smile as you compliment how good his sense of style is !! and as much as he denies the fact that he’s blushing you luckily do manage to snap some pics as evidence of the rosy colour in his cheeks hehe

and especially earlier on in the relationship, he’ll always try his best and prepare cute little dates for you both )): and the members would tease him to DEATH for how unbelievably soft and considerate he is when doing things for you when he is so cranky towards them lmfao

chill dates (:

walking in the park together, getting ice cream, going for late night drives and listening to music together </3 with jay it never has to be complicated

Just as long as he gets to be with you, talk with you and touch you then that’s more than enough for him (: he just likes to be in your company

and Idk why I can just see this but he wILL have playground dates with you. dont question it

Because like ?? hanging out on the swings or climbing frame of a kids park at 11PM when there’s no one else there but you both?? Talking and swinging quietly next to each other? very romantic to me hmm

Yes <3 

he will stare at you as he silently swings a back and forth a little; brushing the hair out of your face and looking at you with so so much love in his eyes it’s unbelievable

he especially loves just relaxing with you. watching a show on the tv together while cuddling and staying close to each other is something he loves

hearing your giggles and listening to you talk while engaging in teasing banter where he’ll pretend to think the things you say are stupid by scoffing and rolling his eyes when in reality his heart is swelling and he’s trying so hard not to laugh at how cute you are? 

shut UP

those are definitely one of his favourite types of dates with you

he’ll constantly try to impress you and will be willing to try so many different things with you

i can see him as either being openly interested about going on typical couple dates together such as painting or eating at romantic restaurants,, or every time you mention something of the sort he’ll be groaning at yet another mention of the ‘couple bucket list’ you had created lol

but actually he’s secretly really excited for that couple mug-painting session you booked for you both. but he will never tell you that 😳

in conclusion, with jay it really never has to be something complex for you both to enjoy your dates <3 he just loves being in your company, even if its one of those nights where you both share no words between the cuddling and content sighs and various little soft kisses he presses to your forehead.

sunghoon

with sunghoon gOSH

whatever you two get up to, it’d be so so soft and gentle and perfect and just ):

he would always ask the members what to take you out on as a date and you bet his naver search history would consist of questions like ‘what does my s/o like’ and ‘where should i take out my partner on a date’ lmao

he just wants to make you happy and comfy ):

dates with him are usually really cute!! Like going to cafes, going ice skating etc!

But you’d also love those dates at home with him, giggling shyly as you both sit together and watch a film 🥺

he LOVES those dates! he always gets so shy whenever he comes over and it takes him a little while to get comfortable enough with you to even hold your hand pls

So when he one day pulls you in closer from where you’re sitting side by side on the couch,, bringing you closer and tucking you under his arm ??

You’re so so surprised, and you feel your heart clench a little at how gentle he is with you and how he’s finally opening up ):

And from then on,, he only will become more and more comfortable with you!!! To the point where he’ll start pouting a lil when you don’t snuggle up next to him on the sofa like you usually do );

So cuddle dates with hoon? Yes you bet they’re his fave!!

and then when its quickly approaching your 100 days anniversary, he’ll be wracking his brains for so long trying to decide what to do for you

but then it will hit him like a light bulb switching on!

he’ll suddenly remember you mentioning this specific thing that you really liked and would want to do one day, and guess what he would plan for u both!!

he’d prepare 💔💔 a picnic 💔💔 for you 💔💔

ugh youre so lucky

he’d text you the day before your anniversary telling you to expect to go on a date with him the day after and to dress up prettily :D

he’d wake up super early on the day of the date, preparing all of your favourite foods and meals into a cute lil basket ):

and when you finally both meet at a really rEALLY pretty secluded area that you somehow had no idea existed despite you living in the area for so long - you’d maybe start tearing up?? 

because your boyfriend is so so sweet and you never saw this coming from him at all ): 

and he’d just stand there shyly in front of the picnic he set up, hand at the back of his head and looking down; cute lil blush tainting his cheeks from how nervous he is!

but then you’d run over and give him a big, big hug, exxclaiming how much you appreciate what he did for you and how youre so so incredibly sorry for not bringing him something as well to celebrate your anniversary (you were dying inside fo guilt please!! how could u forget to get him something when he went out of his way like this for you )):  )

but he’d simply shake his head, smiling and not minding at all

because if he gets to see you happy, gets to see those twinkling eyes of yours that just stare up at him with so so much love before bringing him in for a sweet kiss - then he simply doesnt mind at all.

r u crying at this like i am lol

sunoo

sunoo absoloutely adores you.

and he cant stay away from you !! lmao

you’ll leave after a date and ten minutes after youve arrived you’ll get a text from him saying how much he already misses you and wants to see his bun again ):

but its okay!! because y’all would meet up again really soon again :D

sunoo really doesnt mind what you both do together, he just loves being in your company !! if he’s doing something with you, its certain that he will have so much fun and be so so comfy!

you often like to go to cinemas together, watching a film

film/drama marathons are also something that you both do very very often as a date! he loves it when you hug him tight and throw a leg over his as you both lie down in his dorm bed/your bed, watching something on your laptop

he is very very cuddly and whenever you both do have cuddle dates/sessions (which is all the time btw) he’ll like it when you absentmindedly play with his fingers or stroke your hands through his hair soothingly

and then he’ll complain and whine when you stop lmao

seriously though, without a question if either of you meet at either his dorm or your house - its always:  ‘so what are we gonna watch?’

he also likes doing very very cute couple-y activities with you! of course he does,, youre his baby ): 

(he’s more YOUR baby actually - but he doesnt need to know about that shh hehe)

funfair dates where you will go on a ferris wheels and eat cotton candy together? sharing a kiss when you reach the top? yes! and so is going to those sets designed for couples to take cute photos together as a lil photoshoot!

he is so so sweet with you ): 

and has it been mentioned yet that you’ll go on food dates? this is a very obvious date you both do very often !! 

going to food markets and trying out different street foods from different vendors? yes.

having mini dates at the korean convinience store late at night where you’ll both sit by the window and eat tteokbokki & ramen together? yes.

its all honestly really really chill, but he also knows when to be serious when he needs to (:

he’ll take you out to the your favourite restaurants often!

and whenever youre celebrating something he’ll take you to a really good and famous restaurant with mouth-watering food, and you’ll be left wondering for the longest time how on earth he managed to get a seat in since its always so booked

or ordering take-out is good too :D

in conclusion (because i just realised how long this is help 😭): dates with sunoo are always a variety of fun activities which always leave you feeling tired yet so, so happy and content at the end of the day !!

he loves you so much <3

Jungwon

Since you both go to the same school, a lot of your little dates are actually spent there

He’s pretty shy with you at times,, but when you’re both alone it’s then that dates with him are usually so so goofy and silly; days filled with his teasing and your eye rolls and giggles.

Meeting at the rooftop before school to simply talk and giggle and drink chocolate milk? Yes.

Staying after school for small study sessions in the library? Yes.

With jungwon, you’re not able to see him as much between school and him being an idol, so every little moment together means so much to both of you ):

To me jungwon also seems like a cuddler!!! cause like?? Have you seen him ?? Tell me he doesn’t look so soft 

So, dates at home when he’s free where you can both cuddle together in your bed while eating and doing homework? They’re so so cosy,, and definitely your favourite kinda dates!! not to mention that your parents absolutely adore him too

With jungwon, lots of lil spontaneous dates are definitely his and yours trademark (‘:

He’ll turn up at your house randomly with a grin and dimple poking at his cheek, holding a bag of convenience store food and asking you if you want to go on a date with him even if it’s 10pm and dark outside lmfao

And then he’ll take you to an arcade!

You’ll be the only ones there and he’s keep flexing about how he’s going to win you this cat plush from the claw machine because he says it looks like him

He’d try several times and end up spending almost 8,000 won on the machine trying to win you this plush and at this point he’s already making up several excuses about how oh, ‘it’s rigged’ or ‘give me one more chance I will get it this time!!’

You’d giggle at how he grows flustered, gently asking him if you could have a go for fun, sighing and with him and agreeing on the fact that the claw machine is definitely rigged

You’d complain together; scolding the machine and asking it to please be nice and stop ruining your date when it’s then that the claw actually picks up a plush and you’re both like ;oo

You’d both stay stood in shock as the cat plush is dropped into the receiving box, before laughing loudly

He’d stand there flustered, blush tainting his cheek before he just walks away 🚶🏻‍♂️

You’d quickly pick up the cat plush and chase after him, giggles tumbling out your lips

and uhm after that you beTTER go check up on your boy and see if his ego wasnt too damaged by that 😤

so of course you’d wrap your arms around him from behind, tucking your face into the back of his neck ): and pressing gentle kisses where you know he’s ticklish until he finally relents, a small grin and dimple lighting up his face

and phEW because you thought he was upset ): but he laughs and says youre better at the claw machine than he is so,, all good dont worry !! 🥺

It’d end up being him taking the cat plush home, which you both name ‘jungwon-two’ because of how much it actually looks like him 😭

Expect many references and inside jokes to that date and jungwon-two in the future

and tbh you love dates with won so so much. theyre so fun plus they’re always secret.

and whenever you’re out doing whatever the hell you both get up to,

It’s like there is no one else in the world. It’s just you, and him, and the blooming you both feel in your chests.

Niki

I don’t know but I can just see niki as being so romantic

You’re both young, and although niki is the biggest dork and always likes to play around and make jokes 24/7 - he’s also so mature compared to the other boys your age

So would he take you out to a date where he’d set up classically romantic candles and rose petals for you both to eat at for your 1 month anniversary? Yes ):

And you’d be so speechless and shocked as you blush quietly and thank him before he‘s accidentally knocking over his glass of water all over the table cloth and you’re laughing out loud

But expect every other date with him to be filled with so so much food and comfort!

He’d feel so comfy around you, and really the only word he thinks is perfectly able to describe you is home. He thinks you feel like home to him.

So he’d show you all of this favourite things, the things closest to his heart and you can’t help but feel your own heart clench at how much you adore this boy

He’d take you out to traditional Japanese restaurants and show you his favourite foods from back home and teach you the customs of how to eat sushi

You’d 100% be so so interested and excited whenever he reveals to you a vulnerable part of him, and he’d stare at you so lovingly as he kisses your cheek, blushing and smiling like the 15 year old he is

Ugh ): niki ):

Dance dates!!

You claim you can’t dance to save your life LMFAO (or maybe you can 😳?) but he only grins shyly instead as he takes you to a small dance studio he rented (he didn’t want to take you the belift building where there would be other people - he’d want you to feel completely comfortable).

You’d simply stand there with your mouth dropped open as you watch him freestyle to a random song he put on like it’s nothing

You’d spend the day getting taught some moves by him and although you’re sure you look like a cat getting electrocuted, he still smiles and  nods and even claps, giving you compliments and teasing remarks

Overall, dates with niki are so so fun and goofy and perfect. You feel your heart swell every time he takes you out on another little adventure, feeling so complete and carefree between his warm hugs, jokes and words that he has to say to you

(’:

[bjornswoman]

His bride

Requested by none.

Author's note: Hey guys! It took me a long timw to finish this one, because I wrote it and deleted it then. It just never seemed perfect. I think that it is nice now. I hope you like it. Thanks for your support. Take care and have a good day!

Pairing: Modern!Ubbe x Reader.

Genre: Modern!au, drama, angst, romance.

Summary: Ubbe and you are getting married.

Warnings: None.

You looked at yourself through the mirror. You looked like a porcelain doll. A princess. The white bridal dress fitted perfectly on your body. It hugged your curves like it should do. Your hair was up in a tightly bun and a veil covered your face. The engagement diamond ring was wrapped tightly around your finger and burning was finger. In a day like this one, your wedding's day, you should be more than happy, but there you stood, looking sad and troubled. This wedding was just a covering. A way for both Ubbe and you to get away of difficult situations.

Your family was the type of family that wanted you or better pressured you to marry. But no any man. A man that would be the right for you. The man who they would choose. That man should be rich, famous, from a 'good' family. You had enough of their bullshit. Well, you had married once due to their pressure. That man was nothing like what you had seen at first. He was a lawyer, a famous one. You thought that he was kind and he would treat you fair, but it was nothing like what you thought. Mason was a drunk. He treated you like you were trash. He had even hit you once and of course that was the moment you divorced him. Your stupid family considered it as an unfortunate moment and tried to find another man that was suitable for you.

You would bear someone like Mason again, so you made a deal with Ubbe who had to marry a good woman for his own reasons. It all happened a night, at a bar. You had never spoken to him before, but you knew him because of his younger brother, Hvitserk. Hvitserk and you were friends and he took his brother, Ubbe, to the bar you used to hang out. That night you were extremely upset with them, because they arranged for you to meet a man. He was sitting on a stool next to you listening to you rumbling about your damned life.

"I just can't relive all this." You had said and downed the liquid that was in your glass. His blue eyes had never left your face. Also, he wasn't bored of your rumbling, he listened to you sipping from his whiskey without interrupt you a bit. You had told him all the story. Everything that he had to know.

"You and me aren't so different us both of us thought." Ubbe had started saying and placed the glass on the table before both of you. "You know my father had built a great empire which me and my brothers have inherited. But there is a little detail that prevents us from taking it. Each brother has to be married in order to take his past of Ragnar's heritage. So to take my share I have to be married and I am not. And you know my mother has to check her, to see whether she's right or not." He continued, shocking you. If he hadn't told you about it, you would have never guessed that he had to marry somebody for taking his share of the heritage. "I am thinking of something a while now." After this he paused for some time. "I feel kind of weird because of what I am proposing to you, but it seems a fair solution for us both. Both of us need to marry for our own reasons. I propose to marry each other for four months. This wedding will be a lie, for me to take my share and for you to gain some money and leave your family behind. What do you thing about it, (Y/N)?" He had asked and drank some of the whiskey inside his glass.

You should have said no. You shouldn't have agreed. But what he was saying was tempting and reasoning. You would be free and away from your family. You agreed and after that night everything happened before you could understand that they were happening.

You signed a contract and for the next two months you fake-dated, but much to you surprise you were going to restaurants or bars and talked. You talked more than him. He liked listening to you. But when you asked him about himself he was hesitated. He wasn't the kind of man who talked about himself. You had only understood he was married before with a woman but he divorced that woman for reasons that were unknown to you. Also, you knew he wanted to have a big family that would have a lot of children. He loved children. Instead of leaving you alone all these two months that you were supposed to date, you were hanging out like two friends would do.

And then happened the worst thing that could have happened; you fell in love with Ubbe. This thing was hurtful, because you knew that Ubbe would never feel the same thing for you. You were desperately in love with him and this wedding wasn't helpful.

Your parents were more than happy because you had chosen a man like Ubbe. Rich, kind, reasonable, famous, coming from such a family. They couldn't see the state you were in. Instead of being happy and blissful, you were miserable and sad. You loved the man you were going to marry because of a deal. This wedding was fake and he didn't love you, but you did and all this thing had become way more complicated than it had already been since the beginning.

You couldn't speak to your famiky, of course, about your problem, they couldn't understand. Only Hvitserk knew the truth, but you couldn't talk to him too. He was Ubbe's brother you were afraid that he would say something to Ubbe.

You sat on the bed and left a heavy sigh. Everything had taken the wrong way. You had fucked up everything with those bloody feelings of yours for Ubbe. The hotel room seemed to be smaller than it was moments ago, when the girls helped you dress and the air started to end. You felt like you couldn't breathe, like this gown on your body tightened and tightened all the time. The ring on your finger made all this even worse than it had already been.

When the door opened you stood up from the bed and forced a smile on your face. Your maids along with your mother and the photographer to take some pictures and get you fully ready for your big day. You wanted to talk to your mother, to tell her how you felt, you wanted her advice but she wouldn't understand you. She had never ever understood you. She took out of her purse a small velvet box, as she did that tears were forming on her eyes. You frowned confused. You had married before but she hadn't given you anything but advice for the first night after the wedding.

"This is a gift from my own mother to me on my wedding day." She told you and take out of the box a necklace. Your mother placed it on your neck and you looked at it and then at her. You were still confused. "I was wrong a lot of times with you (Y/N) and I am sorry. I am giving this to you know, because I think that you deserve it. You will be happy with Ubbe, not because he is a Lothbrok, because he cares for you for real." She continued and you couldn't bear the tears anymore. Tears started streaming down your eyes and she helped you wipe them away. You sat down on the bed again and she told to everyone else in the room to leave you two alone. "Do you want to tell me the reason you cry? Something is wrong and I can sense it. You can talk to me (Y/N)." She continued as she sat next to you. You turned to look at her. She seemed really troubled, like she really cared for your state.

You felt shame because of your huge lie to them, but you had no other choice. They didn't leave you have other choice. You sighed heavy and turned your gaze to your hands.

"I feel like I can't breathe, like this room is getting smaller and smaller, like this dress is tightening and tightening around my body, trying to choke me, is that normal?" You spoke and she smiled. You looked desperately.

"Yes, it is. All of us felt these things on our big day. Just don't think about it. Nothing will change after this day. You love him and he loves you, you will just live together. Only this will change. Now I have to go." She said and caressed your bare shoulder softly. You sighed again.

Only if things happened like this, everything would be easier.

"Ah Ubbe..." You sighed and placed your hand on your forehead. "Why can't you feel what I feel?" You asked desperately.

You stood up afraid when you heard someone couching close to the door. You eyes met two familiar playful green eyes and you smiled. At least you tried to smile.

"How are you best man?" You asked him smiling and wrapped your hands around him in a hug. He let out a laughter.

"I am listening in the bride hoping for the groom to love her, am I right?" He asked. You blushed and looked away. Hvitserk laughed again.

"You - you are and I wanted to tell you, but I was a coward. These - these feelings for Ubbe is mistake and you know the reason. I shouldn't have let myself falling like that. Hvitserk what am I going to do now? How can I live the next four years like that?" You asked and let the tears fall again from your eyes. He hugged you again and caressed your hair.

"You should tell him." He said and you lifted your gaze to look at him. "I mean like real. If you don't talk with him, if you don't tell him your feelings about him, you will never know what he feels for you. Don't act like a teenager because if you dont do it, you will lose him, like real. Just do it." He told you, caressing your cheek. When he finished, he placed a kiss on that same kiss and left you alone again.

Hvitserk was right. You should talk to Ubbe, but the problem was that you couldn't say it. What if he didn't feel the same thing, what would you do?

A knock on the door stopped you from thinking what to do. Your father entered the room with a smile and you forced a smile on your face.

"It's time." He whispered and you walked closer to him. Both of you walked out of the room and went inside the elevator. "If you don't want this wedding to happen, we can stop it. In case you have changed your mind." Your father said again, lookimg at you. You looked at him again. If all this finished here, you would never see him again. Ubbe wouldn't want to see you. You smiled, it was a real smile this time.

"I haven't changed my mind. I want to marry Ubbe." You spoke and stepped out of the elevator with you father next to you.

The car ride was quick. You were tgere in no time. When everyone saw you stood up. Your father wrapped his hand around your arm. Your eyes were to Ubbe, as his own was on you. He looked more elegant than usual. He had always been elegant and handsome, but that day he was more of that two things than any other day. You walked down the aisle next to your father, eyes on Ubbe, hands and body sweating.

"Here, love and protect her." You father said to Ubbe.

"I will." He spoke back to your father and took your hand and looked deep in your eyes. He placed a kiss on your lips. It didn't last as long as you would like, but you could say that he was a good kisser. The best kisser. "I have to tell you something after all this." He whispered to you when he pulled away from you.

But before anything else happen, somebody's voice, a woman's voice, stopped you. Everyone along Ubbe and you turned to look at her. You didn't know her. She was blonde and her eyes were blue, like Ubbe's, but Ubbe's eyes had the most beautiful blue you had ever seen in your life. Nobody had that kind of eyes, only his father, his brother Bjorn and his brother Ivar.

"This wedding can't happen because it's all a lie." She yelled and you frowned. She knew. Somehow she knew the truth and you weren't the one who spoke about it to her, because you didn't know her at all, but even if you knew her, you wouldn't tell. You had told to nobody. So it was Ubbe who told her. You turned your gaze at him. He seemed to know her by the look of his face. He was angry. "Yeah, you heard right. My sweet ex husband and now just lover, Ubbe, is only marrying that little girl because he wants to take his share of his father's heritage and she has her own reasons. Her parents craved to get her married so badly and I can't blame them, look at her. Ubbe, my love, you were right. If it wasn't you, she wouldn't find a man easily." She said and you turned you eyes again to Ubbe. How could you have feelings for that man? He tricked you. He acted all elegand, kind, reasonable, gentle and genuine, but he was just a liar. He was like all the other rich people.

"Get the heck out of here!" He growled and she smirked. His blue eyes met with Hvitserk's green eyes and Hvitserk made his way to her. He tried to take her away from there. She resisted but he was stronger than her.

You didn't know what to say. People were gossiping. Your siblings tried to calm down your parents. You were speechless. Ubbe turned to look at you, but your hand fell violently on his cheek, so hard that his head turned to the said and you hand hurt after the slap.

"How dare you!" You yelled at him and tried to relax for a second. When he turned his head around again, his blue eyes were darker than any other time you had looked at them. Ubbe was even agrier than before but you didn't care. You didn't care at all. "I don't want to see your face even again." You said again and run away from there. You didn't expect him to follow you. After all that you would laugh if someone told you so. But he did.

His strong hand gripped your arm and forced you to turn around and look at him. You resisted, but he was stronger. You spitted on his face and he cleaned himself. You shouldn't have done that, because it only enraged him more than before. You could understand that from the way his grip tightened around your arm.

"Let me go! I don't want to see you ever again! How dare you told her about our deal? And how dare you told all those things for me? You don't even know me! Two months is not a long time, Ubbe Lothbrok! So let me go!" You yelled again. Tears were running down your cheeks without you noticed. His thumb travelled on one of your cheeks and cleaned the tears. Then he did the same to the other. "Don't touch me!" You continued and moved your face away from his thumb, but his strong grip on your arm didn't let you move too far away from him, so he did clean your face from the tears.

"First of all brave enough of you to spit me on the face. It was surprisingly funny. Also, sorry for talking to Margrethe about us. It all happened when I was drunk. Margrethe was my ex wife and it was a mistake that I started seeing her after our divorce, but you have to believe me that I have never spoke shit about you. I enjoy your company." He told you, looking straight into your eyes. You believed him. He was telling the truth. You could see through his eyes that he meant each word he said. Ubbe placed his hand on your cheek.

"Why did you divorce that woman?" You asked him the question that was on your mind all this time. He had told you before that he had divorced his former wife, but he had never really told you the reason and you hadn't asked. You saw Ubbe tensing up, but he didn't refused.

"She wasn't who I thought se was. After our wedding I saw the real face of hers. She is an ambitious woman who craves only money. I did everything she asked. I even shared her with Hvitserk." He answered and you felt disgusted. You knew that they used to share woman, but you didn't know that Ubbe shared with Hvitserk his wife. "Will you forgive me?" He asked again and you sighed.

"I don't know if I can." You started saying. You were going to spill the truth about your feelings. He clearly wasn't feeling the same towards you, but you couldn't keep it amy longer in you. You had to say it, to take out of you. "You betrayed my feelings." You said again and he frowned confused. "I developed feelings for you. I - I can't get you out of my mind. I know - I know that we had agreed no feelings but I can't define my feelings. I know that you don't feel the same, you don't have to reject me nicely. I just needed to tell you to take it out of me. Hvitserk told me to—" You were rambling, but his lips on yours stopped you. You were surprised at first, but you leaned in his kiss. The best kiss you had even had in your whole life. He was kissing you hungrily, bitting your lip. You moaned within the kiss and he entered his tongue in your mouth. "What was that?" You spoke within your heavy breaths, as you tried to breathe normally. Ubbe smirked.

"That was my way to shut you down and tell you that I fancy you, woman." He answered amd you felt confused.

"What?" You asked shocked and he smirked again.

"I like you, pet, like real." He spoke and you smiled. You wrapped his both hands around your waist and pulled you closer to him. "That was what I wanted to tell you after the ceremony." He continued and you chuckled. He pressed his lips on yours again in one passionate kiss.

"And now what?" You asked when you stopped.

"Honeymoon trip?" He proposed and you chuckled again. "Let's get out of here." Ubbe told and both of you sterted walking.

[norestwithoutlove]

Hi, I just finished reading to build a home (quite literally just then) and it was one of the best stories I’ve ever read. everything was so cohesive and beautifully done and has inspired me to do some writing of my own. How did you manage to keep track of minor details and plots throughout the book continuity wise, with such a large word count, thats something most authours cant do and it made it feel so much more personal and immersive. this fic was a wild ride, sorry if this sounds weird btw i dont usually do this.

Hey !! sorry this one took me a while to reply to ! thanks so much for this message it made me beam - i’m glad the fic made you want to use your own voice as well! writing is such a balm especially in times like these, so i hope you’re loving it.

holy shit i’ve just gone over this and this is a LONG answer so i’m very sorry for the essay in advance. regarding continuity and minor details:

from like very early days (essentially day one of writing) i had a very clear vision of where i wanted the fic to go, and what the major plot points were (the night of the fight aged 18 and everything which caused it, even that it would take place on the roof, sam’s overdose happening in the middle of dean’s drunk love confession, the chapter 59 love confession which leads to them FINALLY getting together happening in front of the fire and cas giving dean his poetry book, the dedication saying ‘to dean, i still do, and always will’. all of that was just sitting rotting all other thoughts in my mind and so i had to type it all out at the bottom of the word document to get it down and make sure i didn’t forget. here’s an excerpt of that very early days plan (the scene where dean comes out to sam in the hospital!!! one of my absolute favourites):

other things came later, like the wedding + concussion scene, and the scene where dean waits out in the treehouse all night, which honestly was SO cruel of me and really added to the tragedy of the chapter 38, 40, 42 arc. but yeah as with the above they sat in my brain just waiting for me to reach the appropriate part of the fic to type them up from VERY early days of the fic. opinions on this vary but i don’t like typing out the scenes that i really want to type out if i haven’t actually reached them in the fic’s construction, (does that make sense?  i’ve phrased it badly) because knowing i’m gonna get to write those scenes is what motivates me to actually write the scenes inbetween. i should probably switch this up a bit as everyone advises against this form of writing but also yeah changing routine is effort.

other things plotted in the fic came about in light of the events of the show. mary wasn’t originally gonna be such a distant mother but, as spn pushed that narrative of distance and withdrawal, i thought it would be weird for readers to read a fic which pushed the deified mary mother figure like early seasons spn. especially weird for the readers to read a deified mary fic when the mary they were watching on screen seemed to differ so drastically from the one in the story. so the mary-dean relationship (which was fortunately pretty ambiguous and stilted because of dean’s grief-brain in early chapters) had to change in tbah into the really complicated entity it became. honestly the formulation of that relationship is one of the things i was most proud of in the fic because it was so thorny and hard and felt tragically real for that reason. 

other things the progression of the show impacted: dean’s relationship with jack. obviously he couldnt be a nephilim in the tbah universe(!) so i had to consider another angle which would stilt his relationship with dean in the fic. considering the fact that in the show dean’s aversion to him came from a knot of grief, anger and dean’s own upbringing, i transplanted that idea onto the fic and said okay, but here it’s not about cas, it’s about john. dean untangles much of his own trauma with john through his relationship with jack in the symbols of his father he can find in his life: driving, fishing, and building. but also in the symbols of jimmy: cooking, talking, teaching. dean gets to choose between being a john or a jimmy to his son, but the question isn’t so simple, because people aren’t just symbols, and actually dean ends up being a dean to jack, which is perfect.

weirdly, i also think music helped with continuity. i had a few songs in my head at the beginning of the fic and they became like thematic seeds which could grow and make threads to be picked up throughout. i’d listen to these as i wrote, especially as i wrote the scenes i deemed the most significant. same thing with literature.

also thinking about the fic just became really comforting to me ! so i’d play major plot points in my head like a movie before i went to sleep, which meant by the time i got to writing them they’d had a lot of time to develop and pick up earlier themes of the fic. essentially all of the fic was written in light of the future of the fic, which really helped continuity and direction but also the weird tangled traumatised nature of time in the story. this figuring of time became really important because i think tangled traumatised time is essentially just the reality of grief-time. 

subconsciously i’m sure a lot of stuff bled through which was unintentional, the framing of events which repeat location (dean waiting in the treehouse all night as a teenager to say goodbye to cas before he leaves for university vs dean and cas going to the treehouse as adults and finding teens there who are saying goodbye to each other before leaving for university. confession 3 takes place a literal 10 years after confession 1. confession 1 comes from cas and happens on the roof just before he leaves for the uk, confession 2 comes from dean and happens drunken in the living room after dean has had an intense and ambiguous conversation/fight with his mother, confession 3 happens in the living room after dean has come out to his mother, confession 4 happens on the roof as castiel returns from the uk and repairing every sense of the rift confession 1 caused because this last confession ends in their engagement.)

once i realised this was happening i went back and combed through those scenes for lines to be repeated. an easy example of this is chapter 38//chapter 59. here’s a scene from chapter 38 as they enter the big white house:

and here’s them entering the house in chapter 59: 

i think it’s about trauma and repetition (freud has a theory about this, see Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through) in that we return to sites of trauma; trauma is reiterated in memory and in the material, but in every reiteration, we grow and heal and understand the trauma and ourselves better. it’s like an upward spiral: the first confession goes so badly, the second goes better but not good, the third good, the fourth goes wonderfully (dean’s narrative frames it as paradise: “maybe this is the sound of the trumpets on the other side”). so yeah, part of the ‘continuity’ of tbah is just a traumatised cycle of reiteration, and i say this in the nicest possible way, because these cycles of repetition are how we heal. deep down, i think that’s what the fic is all about.

tl;dr: i had a scrawl of a plan at the bottom of the word document i wrote tbah on, i thought about it a lot because it made me happy, i had a pretty clear vision of where things were going from the very opening chapter, and i was a very gay english lit student.

anyway thanks for the ask lovely i am SO sorry it resulted in the borderline novel of an answer.

[yakocchi]

My Darling’s the Strongest (Scenario Event) // Leonardo

(graphic is separate from the event)

me: wow i wonder what cool and amazing new content there will be for white day week cybird: we heard from no one that u like reprints that only have new ranking avatars. so heres another reprint that only has new ranking avatars me:

…….cybird it’s ok to not make every event have ranking cards. yea i know they make gangbusters versus events without cards, but if it results in less new scenario events overall… that’s not great

anyway, it’s been like 4 months since a new Count scenario event has been released (which is a better track record than several charas) and i wanted to do a longer string of text to test out a keyboard i ordered. yea im very fickle with my output but ehehe what’s new i archive leo events sometimes, so i decided to dredge one up to translate. i actually wanted to do vlad’s first post-main-route event as a sort of celebration for when it would inevitably happen, but then said scenario event appeared and it ended up being an AU. why does this game like AUs so much? the canon universe already pretty farfetched… u literally have dracula and ure telling me u would rather put him in a situation where he would not be dracula. cowards

This event (first released ~July 2020) was made for the 3rd Anniversary of JP Ikevam later that month. The event was split into two parts, where iirc the first part contained the Count, Arthur, and Mozart. Leo was in the second part with Napo and Isaac.

Spoilers under the cut!! Please credit if you take any of it, thenk u (･ω･*) image-heavy!!

…

The master of the manse, from time to time, starts his conversations with the most unexpected topics. One of those “times”, was today.

...

[Count]: “—So, I’d like the two of you to go out for the Best Couples’ Contest.” [Leonardo & Kara]: “Huh…?” As soon as we had excused ourselves into his quarters, the Count had said something completely unexpected. Leonardo and I had responded with a confused noise spilling out of our lips. (The “Best Couples’ Contest” is that event where they pick the best couple in Paris, right?) (I wonder why he suddenly decided to say he wants us to go.) Even as the two of us stood bewildered in front of him, the Count’s smile remained, untarnished. Leonardo then heaved a massive sigh…

[Leonardo]: “Now, I’m used to you telling me crazy things—" [Leonardo]: “But at the very least, could you give us the entire story, O’ great Count?” The Count began to speak once more—

[Count]: “Well—” [Count]: “Last night, I had visited an acquaintance upon them telling me that they had gotten their hands on some good wine.” [Count]: “At one point, they informed me that they were going to hold a contest to determine the best couple.” [Count]: “Then, they asked me if I was acquainted with any prospective couples for it.” Leonardo then took over from Count as if he had read this story before.

[Leonardo]: “Then, in your drunken state you selfishly entered me and the little sweetheart to the contest, did you?” (And that means… the Count thinks me and Leonardo would have a chance?)

The Count responded to Leonardo’s summation of the events with apparent amusement. [Count]: “I do believe I wasn’t drunk at the time, I’ll have you know?” [Leonardo]: “That’s even worse, then.”

[Count]: “Oh my, Leonardo. Is it really all right for you to say that?” [Leonardo]: “Hah?” [Kara]: “gh-…” The Count had turned in my direction— and so Leonardo, as if in pursuit of the gentleman, then turned to face me as well. Their gazes seemed to urge me to confess my true feelings on the matter, and I earnestly comply.

[Kara]: “Ah-, I… I just thought it sounded fun.” [Kara]: “And on top of that, I’d be really happy if everyone acknowledged me and Leonardo as the best couple.” (Even though I’d be nervous to stand in front of so many people,) (I’d be able to boast that such a wonderful person is my lover…) (And I also think it’d be a good opportunity to see if I’m able to become a suitable woman for Leonardo.)

[Leonardo]: “…” A surprised expression appeared on Leonardo’s face for a moment, before it was replaced with a smile…

[Leonardo]: “Shall we partake?” [Kara]: “Huh? Is it okay?” I had blurted out my question, and Leonardo gently patted my head. [Leonardo]: “This situation’s turned into nothing but a good opportunity, so we might as well have some fun and aim to win this thing, yeah?” [Kara]: “gh- Okay…!” Glad that Leonardo was also interested, my voice naturally gained a bounce to it.

[Kara]: “But, I wonder how they’re going to determine the best couple?” Muttering this, the Count then handed me the invitation, which had a general outline of the event written inside. Promptly opening it, written was—

(The contest is to be a few days from now, and I can look forward to what we’ll be tested on… on the day itself?) The portion I wanted to know about most of all hadn’t been written, and I internally slumped my shoulders.   The invitation concluded with a single line— “The key to victory is to have a mind and soul of love towards one another,” (I guess the ‘mind and soul of love’ is supposed to be a hint, but…) [Kara]: “Hmm… With just this, I don’t know what the contest could be about, at all.” [Leonardo]: “Don’t sweat it, sweetheart.” (Huh?) Leonardo brought his face up close to the Count… And as if he had devised a scheme, a mischievous smile had turned the corners of his lips. [Leonardo]: “You’re close with the contest organizer, right? I’m led to believe that they have some sort of hint on ‘em.” [Count]: “Leonardo…?” [Leonardo]: “We may have willingly chose to participate in the contest— but it doesn’t change the reality that it was our lovely Count who dragged us into this in the first place.” [Leonardo]: “So, naturally, you’re gonna cooperate with us, no?”

As a result of forcing the Count (against his will) to spill the details, we were able to make a guess on what we’d be doing in the contest. But…

most everyone else in this event: (thinking hard on what to do bc they dont kno what the contest is going to cover) leo: fuc it CHEAT

…

[Leonardo]: “…” (…Leonardo has an awfully complicated look on his face right now.) In my mind, I think over our discussion from a moment ago:

The organizer of the couples’ contest appears to have hosted several dance contests as well. To put it plainly, the organizer is both a huge socialite and a huge fan of dances. (So, individuals are called from high society circles to be chosen as the “best couple”, and) (The probability of competing based on our dancing… is high.)

[Leonardo]: “Hagh…” [Kara]: “…Hehe.” Seeing Leonardo’s pouting face, I unwittingly laughed. Then— [Leonardo]: “What are you laughing for, sweetheart?”

[Kara]: “I just remembered something from back before we became lovers.” The conversation of that day, the day where a weakness of his had been exposed, replayed in my head—

…

[Leonardo]: “…I can’t dance.” (Huh…?) [Kara]: “You’ve got to be kidding, right…? You can build and play instruments, and yet…” [Kara]: “Is it because you don’t go to many socialite parties to begin with, so you haven’t had many opportunities to dance….?” [Leonardo]: “No, I’ve participated in ‘em the point where I’ve even had a hand in producing those sorts of dazzling venues.” [Kara]: “’Producing’…” (This person really can do anything and everything. No, no, that’s not true…) [Kara]: “Leonardo, the mystery that surrounds you is only getting deeper and deeper.”

[Leonardo]: “I avoided having to do it.” [Kara]: “…’Avoid’?” [Leonardo]: “…Try to imagine it. Me, dancing?” [Leonardo]: “It doesn’t suit me, I don’t have the look required for it…” (…What… is this?)

[Kara]: “…Hehe, ahaha!” [Leonardo]: “…Hey, sweetheart. What are you laughing for?

…

(He said the same thing back then.) Unable to hold it in, I continued to giggle… [Leonardo]: “Don’t laugh.” [Kara]: “I think you’re the one smiling here, though?” [Leonardo]: “…I’m just feeling terribly nostalgic right now.” Answering me, his eyes held a gentle light within them as if cherishing those days, [Kara]: “You still hate dancing, I assume?” [Leonardo]: “Even to this day, I find it embarrassing to do. Radiant, cheerful stuff doesn’t mesh with me. But—" (Huh?)

The second I wondered if Leonardo was going to start something, he suddenly pulled my waist towards him for an embrace… [Kara]: “Woah, woah-…!” Regaining my senses— Led by Leonardo himself, I properly danced. [Leonardo]: “I’m able to dance like the average person now— and it’s all because you came to keep me company.” While I was still surprised, Leonardo dropped a light kiss on my forehead. [Kara]: “Nn-…” Flustered, I looked up to find a completely composed smile on his face… [Kara]: “…ngh-“ An impulse overwhelming me, I lean my head against his chest.

[Kara]: “…Sly as usual.” [Leonardo]: “Hm?” [Kara]: “Even though I thought I had finally found a weakness of yours, you’ll get over that hurdle too pretty soon.” [Kara]: “When you do things like that, you become sly so smoothly, exquisitely.”

(When he shows this side of him… I get driven to work even harder than before so I can catch up to him.) While even feeling a frustration from it, I turned my gaze back to Leonardo.

[Kara]: “It seems like this world is going to become one where there’s absolutely nothing you can’t do.”

[Leonardo]: “…Maybe?” (…Hm?) For a second it felt as if he were pondering over something, a particular emotion washing over his face.

But before I could say anything, I was swiftly embraced, and that thought of mine scattered, and vanished. [Kara]: “l- Leonardo?” [Leonardo]: “Hey, look there, sweetheart.” (Huh?)

Following Leonardo’s gaze— I could see the dusk dying the sky from a distance away. (Pretty…) The view that he showed me, was beautiful.   But, at the same time… my chest was tightened by this sorrow. (Although the scene before our eyes is the same between us, time passes differently between us…) (During moments like this, I feel that difference.) (However— When we became lovers, I had decided that no matter how different we are, I’m going to embrace the present, make the most out of it.) (I’m going to savor even the passing seconds, cherish them… as we live together, as two.)

As if to confirm he was really there, I embraced his warmth in return… [Kara]: “Leonardo, I’m looking forward to the contest.” [Leonardo]: “Mhm.” In the vivid sunset, we smiled to each other.

…

—Time passed, and the night of the contest arrived at last.

…

(W-Wow…) When we had entered the venue in our formalwear, there were several couples eagerly waiting for the contest to start. (All of the people here have to be participants for the contest, huh. …Somehow, my heart’s pounding.) I took a deep breath to calm myself down, and when I did that— Leonardo, as if to soothe my heart, lightly stroked my hair. [Leonardo]: “Why is it necessary for you to feel all anxious?” [Kara]: “Leonardo?” [Leonardo]: “To the point where there’s just no way we can lose to any couple here— I love you, you know.”

[Leonardo]: “—Well, and you?” Inquiring me, his smile was brimming with self-confidence… And caught up in his mood, I smiled cheerfully.

[Kara]: “I love you too— to the point where it’s impossible for us lose to anyone…!”

[Leonardo]: “Heh… Very nice, then.” [Judge]: “—And so, the contest shall begin now. The means of competition is to be by dance.” (Ah-…!) We look to each other, and Leonardo, extending his hand towards me, says, [Leonardo]: “Kara… You’ll do me the honor of a dance, no…?”

PREMIUM END

[Kara]: “Yes, I’d be delighted!” (Even though I was so nervous about this until now… Now, I can’t help but just be excited about it.) (I want everyone to quickly feast their eyes on our dancing, and our bond!) Taking his hand, I nestled close to him as an elegant melody began to echo within the dance hall. To become a flower that offsets the man before me, I step forward—

…

—When the contest had ended without a hitch, the both of us walked along the moonlit Seine as we made our way home. The chilly breeze felt pleasant on my heated skin. [Kara]: “We really were able to win!” (I was able to prove my bond with Leonardo to all of Paris… I’m so happy that I can’t stop a smile from showing on my face.) [Leonardo]: “I did say we wouldn’t lose to anyone, didn’t I?” [Leonardo]: “But, well, to think… the winning prize was a year’s supply of wine of all things. ‘Guess sensuality and allure are as good as goddamn useless to them.”

he’s trying to say that he doesn’t like the prize cuz it isn’t very sensual/sexy (suppose he imagined a prize for a lovers’ contest would be more along those lines). even Arthur in the epilogue is like “…thought the prize for a best couples’ contest would be more special”….

[Kara]: Hehe, it’s a nice prize, isn’t it? Let’s drink it with everyone else in the manse.” [Leonardo]: “If you’re satisfied with it, that’s good, I suppose.” As he spoke, Leonardo looked to be the same as usual, but his eyes reflected some kind of joy from within. (I’m glad that this will become a lovely memory I’ll have about him.) (…But, even then) The very sight of Leonardo of when I had danced with him in the dance hall, wouldn’t leave my head. [Kara]: “Your dancing was really, really stunning.” [Kara]: “As I had always thought… you’re the strongest one around.” [Leonardo]: “What’s all this about, hmm?”

i probably should’ve bothered explaining it last year since i used the title “My Darling’s the Strongest” for the other translation but uh might as well do it now that it’s explicitly used in the story so by “strongest”, it doesn’t necessarily mean physical strength (though it can be). It’s “strongest” as in a form of “mightiest” or “most powerful”, kind of like when someone says “my baseball team is the strongest in the league”,

[Kara]: “I just think that you’re the mightiest lover as there’s nothing you can’t do.” Carried away by the thrill of victory, I professed my thoughts. In doing so Leonardo’s brows lowered, and a bit of a troubled smile graced his lips. [Leonardo]: “If I’m able to put some effort into it, then I guess there’s really nothing I can’t do. But…”

[Leonardo]: “There is something I simply cannot do, no matter how hard I try.” (Huh…?) [Kara]: “Something you can’t do… I can’t imagine such a thing existing.” He was undoubtedly an almighty genius, and was also the type of person willing to confront even his awkward dancing skills head-on.

At my murmurs, Leonardo continued as if the topic was no big deal.

[Leonardo]: “It exists.” [Leonardo]: “I cannot become an ordinary human.”

(gh-…) His words had vanished into the night breeze.

I inadvertently stopped in my tracks, and he stopped as well… and the both of us stood still in that one corner.

In my current view, the moonlight illuminated his figure as he stood before me. [Leonardo]: “As a pureblood vampire,” [Leonardo]: “I give you much loneliness— A loneliness that, if I were an ordinary human, you would never have to experience.” [Leonardo]: “However, if I went and lamented over every single little detail of that truth, I would be rendered unable to be with you. —Thus from the very beginning, I do not intend to lament either.” [Leonardo]: “I’m going to use as much of my power as I possibly can to grant your wishes, and that’s all.” (Using his power, my wishes…) I recalled the exchange we had a few days ago:

…

[Kara]: “Ah-, I… I just thought it sounded fun.” [Kara]: “And on top of that, I’d be really happy if everyone acknowledged me and Leonardo as the best couple.” [Leonardo]: “…”

…

[Kara]: “Did… you say that we should go and try to win the contest… merely because I…” With a smile, Leonardo proceeded to stare intently at me. [Leonardo]: “Well, there’s that, but additionally… I had the same motive as you had.” [Leonardo]: “I also had wanted the both of us to be acknowledged as the best couple.” [Leonardo]: “I wanted news to spread that I had been able to become the man of such a wonderful woman, you know.”   (gh- Leonardo…) Leonardo, whenever and wherever, envelops me in his great, unparalleled affection. Roused by the surging love within me, I went to grip his hand.

[Kara]: “…Leonardo, I want to be by your side tonight, and all night.” (I want to give him, in return for the love I received from him… those same feelings, that same love.) (I want him… to feel my love as well.)

[Leonardo]: “…” [Kara]: “gh- Ah-!” I was suddenly yanked towards him; and almost stumbling over my feet, it had closed the distance between us. Bringing his lips to my ear, he whispered:

[Leonardo]: “What a coincidence. I was just thinking the same thing.”

…

—As soon as we entered his room, we melded, deeply kissing each other. [Leonardo]: “…Hah-, Kara…” He called my name with a wet, heady timbre between kisses, the sensuality of it making me go lightheaded. Crowded atop the bed, he pried my lips open with his finger… [Leonardo]: “Thinking about it, I haven’t received a reward from you yet.” [Kara]: “’Reward’…?” [Leonardo]: “When I’m feeling, touching you like this… I know that you’re not so dumb to be oblivious to what I want?” [Kara]: “ngh-…” Taking a guess on what he desired from me, I slowly brought my face closer to his.

[Leonardo]: “Good girl. Come on— Try to turn me on with a kiss?”

FIN

yes the event really stops here before the epilogue teaser. cybird when a sexi scene is about to start:

since this was a glorified keyboard test, this is mostly a one-off… so don’t expect leo translations from me otherwise ahah

u know, it’s always weird to me that leo’s stuff is always very sorrowful bc of the vast diff in lifespan, humans vs. vampires thing. like, does he not plan to turn her into a vampire? the wedding stuff makes it sound like they’d like to be together forever but they still don’t really like to broach the topic itself……… kinda sus given that the Count’s stuff gets several mentions of biting in events and vlad clearly doesn’t mind biting whenever (and is just waiting for her to give him the go-ahead). ive seen some ppl talk about how maybe leo likes her because she’s human (both as in being a literal human and the figurative idea of being “human”) and honestly……… it is kinda messed up to think about, but i can see it LOL now im not saying the other pureblood x mc relationships are super healthy but that’s a convo for another time

well at least these guys don’t have to ask someone for vampire-turning assistance. im imagining one of the other charas having to ask the Count to bite mc akin to how teenagers have to ask their parents to drive them and their friends around to do stuff…….. who wants to relive that nightmare

also sorry if like leo’s voice doesn’t match up with w/e the official engl localization does. ive literally never played an engl cybird game in my life, so it’s a crime of ignorance i swear. tho imo if they’re not making him sound like a rascal… that’s very lame, im not gonna lie

the epilogue is obviously not available for purchase rn, but please buy it and/or support the game with purchases when you can!!

As always, thanks for reading!

(gif source)

[msawesomegeek]

Alita battle angel – Movie review

A/N: look at me, watching a movie. Yay. However it might be me thats hungover and procrastinating doing an exam. Anyways. I have a lot of thoughts on this movie.

SERIOUSLY SPOILERS AHEAD, skip the whole first section if you wanna avoid.

Okay, so, Alita battle angel, is a two hour movie that came out last year. It is about Doctor Ido, who in the scrapyard finds a core that's still alive and gives her a body. Alita wakes up and doesn't remember who she is. She learns the ways of this world in Iron city and about the floating city Zalem, and we meet (I'll be honest here, I liked him but I cannot for the life of me remember his name right now so let's call him whatshisface for now.) whatshisface, he is the love interest and he really wants to go to Zalem. We are also introduced to Vektor a rich guy who runs motorball, a popular sport. He is working with Ido's ex wife and she also has a hard on for going back to Zalem. A bunch of stuff happens, Alita finds out she's a marsian warrior, gets in a fight with a bounty hunter after becoming one herself. Enters the motorball tournament to get money to give to whatshisface so he can go to Zalem, action happens. She finds out no one goes there intact only in the creepiest way possible, talks to the person whose been the puppet master all along. Enters the big tournament to become an ultimate champion to go to Zalem. The end.

Mostly spoilerfree zone now.

So. Normally I do not go into that much detail about a movie's plot, but I wanted to do it here to show just how much this movie is just far too complicated. It suffers, sadly like a lot of action movies these days, from sequel syndrome. In which you can tell they wanted to cram a lot of info into this movie but also have a lot of exposition for the sequel, which ends up needlessly complicating and confusing the plot of the movie that you're already watching – think Suicide Squad or Justice League. The worst part of this is you're watching a movie hoping for an ending and then you're not getting it. A movie should be a story told from beginning to end, not beginning and then we reveal that there is a final boss and you just killed the small boss.

Besides that, I also wanted to write out the storypoints to show how weird and confusing it gets. I get wanting to build tensions and conflict, but I honestly felt like it tried to do everything, meaning we didnt really have time to get interested in any of the plot points in depth. (oh my god I just remembered whatshisface's name!). And that way it also feels like you're not watching a cohesive plot but like a sequence of events that are sometimes related. That lack of focus even extends to the characters. Alita spends the first half of the movie really wanting to kill this dude, and then just forgets about it until the end of the movie. Like, what?

And that also brings me to another problem with this plot, *sighs* it suffers from Spiderman 3 disorder – and by that I mean, this movie, has a villain problem. The villains are far too many, and also almost constantly has weird motivations, like there are logical motivations that would make sense for them to become antagonistic, but the movie just opts for the weirdest ones. Like the bounty hunter, wants to kill Hugo (whatshisface), and they spend like 10 minutes on it, and it seems like it is because he wants revenge on Alita from earlier, but then he just does not try to kill her or anything when she shows up! I had to rewatch those scenes, and I still have no god damn clue why he wants to kill Hugo! And that is a problem! AND then, you have Vektor sending all these other bounty hunters to kill, which is, fine. But again, I have no f*cking clue why HE wants to kill her? Why does the evil overlord that controls everyone want to kill her? Like, the fact that there are this many villains is a problem on its own, but then I at least need to know WHY all these villains are there (okay I am gonna do something that is normally illegal on the internet); I mean at least in Spiderman 3 we all knew WHY they wanted to kill Toby Maguire! How, just, how, do you mess up something so fundamental?!

Sadly the next problem is kind of related. Most characters. Look I get that there are some conflicts that are needed. But like, especially Hugo, what?! Like I get his crime thing being wrong and why it would create some conflict, but it seems so forced somehow. And like, when his girlfriend wants to do something really dangerous to make his dream happen, he tells the others he quits. But then why from there not just come clean to Alita, and be like, sorry babe I used to do this because I was in a desperate situation, but now I have learned something. It would have been compelling for his character. Because honestly he has some sweet moments, but otherwise I feel like he is just selfish. And that is fine, but make it compelling selfishness! Also except for the last 10 minutes of the movie, why does the Ido's wife have to be there? It seemed weird. The only antagonist I actually enjoyed was bounty hunter guy because he had just a pinch of a personality sprinkled in there. Alita is fine, maybe a little op, like let her train or something. Ido was good and honestly probably the best character in this movie, but his motivations are so weird sometimes.

So, uhm, what was good? Well, the fight sequences weren't bad, I liked them. The special effects were pretty cool. I loved what they did with those extreme zoom ins on her eyes. The acting was good. Cinematography was pretty good, not noticeable, but also weren't any scenes where I didn't know what was going on. The soundtrack has a very James Cameron vibe to it, which was okay.

Overall, did this movie suck? Yes. For multiple reasons, the story is weirdly paced and put together in a way where it feels like they wanted to cram like three books into one movie (or as I like to call the "opposite Hobbit effect", I'm sorry, I dont know why I have started making weird names for things to amuse myself during this review but here we are I guess.). And a lot of the plot points seemed forced, there are too many villains and all characters need to be tweaked so we actually understand their motivations for things. But visually it was pretty. But I'll be honest, I dont even recommend watching this as a its so bad its good. It is just weird, confusing and bad.

1 out of 10 stars (and that one star is for the actors and the visual teams only.)

So those were my thoughts, tell me what you thought? If you disagree with me and I completely misunderstood your favourite movie! Or if there is any other movie you wanna talk about or want me to watch and review – send me an ask. :)

- Em

[supportivespaceforsurvivors]

is this Devyn's blog?

hey anon, i'm sorry it took me so long to respond to this; between insomnia, work, my birthday, and other personal issues (along with accidentally deleting my initial response in a sleep-deprived lapse of judgement..), i've been pretty low on energy - but hopefully i'll be feeling better soon?

as for your question, it isn't a complete yes or no answer. yes, Devyn is a mod on this blog, and yes, he posts a lot; but nobody 'owns' this blog. all mods are equals; both in the literal sense that we all have to have administrator privileges in order to answer asks, and also that we rely on each other to help with anything we post. we're all human, and as such, we know that we have weaknesses and blindspots; as a team, we talk to each other to help smooth over some of those wrinkles to help y'all the best ways that we can - so even when one specific person's name is put on a post, more often than not, we have all contributed in some way. the reason that Devyn answers things more often than the rest of us is because he simply has a lot more time and energy than the rest of us do, and trying to write a whole response ourselves can be exhausting when you are already low on energy; but conveying our thoughts or opinions to each other for someone else to weave into a post takes a lot less energy. as such, the rest of us on the mod team really appreciate that Devyn is able to answer more often! its not that Devyn is more committed or holds more power than the rest of the mods, just that he's been more available to answer things recently.

and as a side note: we got another ask somewhat along this line of thought, but it mentioned the name of someone who made personal posts on their personal blog - and since i don't want to risk 'calling them out' (for lack of a better term), i don't feel comfortable posting that ask, so i'm adding my response to it here.

i want to start off by saying, we do appreciate when people bring up concerns that they have! giving us feedback on things that might make you uncomfortable or bother you helps us learn how to better help y'all. without feedback, we kinda just assume that we're doing alright - so encourage anyone to give us constructive feedback (i.e., dont just say something like "i dont like [thing] about mod x, fix it" - give us suggestions on how to best fix it!) if something we do bothers you! we wont be upset; you mentioning how we can better help you means that you do care about us, and we would never get upset at y'all for that. and, as such, we do really appreciate that you brought up your issues with us! genuinely our only issue was the fact a specific person was named (which really isnt even an issue - telling us who made the posts helped us find the posts, since we hadnt previously known about them) and we just don't want to inadvertently cause problems for them. we really dont think you had meant to purposefully cause strife, so please dont think we're upset with you!

as for your ask, i get why you would feel that way. Devyn tends to answer a lot and doesn't cushion his answers as much as some of us do, but it isn't due to him not caring or simply wanting the inbox empty - Devyn does care a lot about answering things well, he just prefers to get to the point rather than writing out giant walls of text. rather than try to explain things for Devyn, i'm gonna let him finish up the post by explaining his method for answering asks - i dont want to accidentally say anything that isnt true, but i can guarentee that Devyn does care. if he didn't care, he wouldn't still be here - he does care for all of you, and he does want to help! if he didn't, he wouldn't be putting in the effort that he has been to change how he responds to things in a way that won't upset or trigger people, and he wouldn't put in the effort to try and get input from the rest of us mods. please, do let us know if there's anything else we can do moving forward to help things feel less bad for you. we don't want anyone to feel like they cant be helped or that we dont care for them.

mod berry 💗

---

Hey anon.

I wanted to make sure I also answered this in case you were looking for an answer from me directly.

Originally I had a few paragraphs here essentially echoing what Berry said, but it felt too repetitive and I ended up cutting it out.

We had another ask that we mentioned we're tacking the response to on here. I'm going to copy-paste some of the text from it for context since y'all obviously haven't (and won't) see it, so that my response makes sense:

[...] we wrote in and got a quick response from Devyn whereas previously we got really detailed responses from other mods. It felt like Devyn just sees it as a rush to clear the inbox and not work with other mods. And now this blog feels like his exclusively.

I want to start by saying I understand how how I was pretty much the only one who answered anything during September made you feel like this blog is mine exclusively, but I assure you that's not the case - it just happened to be a particularly shitty month for all the mods here. While those issues haven't disappeared, we should have more availability to answer asks currently.

Secondly, something I think will be helpful is if I walk you through the process of how I answer an ask. I was going to use this one to do that and then proceeded to get distracted and forgot and answered it, so here's a fake example ask. Let's say this ask comes in:

Let's say the question is something any of us can answer easily, like, "How many followers do you have?" That's an easy question and we can all look at our follower count and give you a number. So I click answer.

I always start answering genuine asks with some sort of greeting. Usually "Hey anon," is my go-to. Then the answer. "Oh, we have this many." Then I'll end with a well-wish and my name. Easy enough.

I think part of the issue is that if people ask yes or no questions (like "is my trauma valid?") I'd rather say something short in response, like, "Yes, your trauma is valid regardless of what it is," and sign my name than waste our readers' time and my breath answering with extra words. I just don't see the point in using more words than I need to. I try very hard to make it clear, especially in shorter responses, that I'm not trying to be hostile and am actively aware of my tone. Some answers have more words in them because I always try to make sure to explain what I feel could be misunderstood and that's not always easily done in one or two sentences.

Another thing that might be part of the issue is that Berry, for example, tends to answer asks by grouping paragraphs after which they hit enter only once, and I hit enter twice to start a new paragraph. That doesn't mean Berry's answer has any more actual content in it than mine does, it just might look like that because the format ends up looking more dense in Berry's answer.

Anyway, if someone feels like they want to answer a certain ask but doesn't have the spoons, they can save it with their name to the drafts, which is where a lot of our unpublished asks live. It's like the purgatory of the ask box, because sometimes I put an ask there and sometimes I only think about it. 😬

Asks that go to our drafts aren't ignored, that's just sort of a transition period. If the ask is slightly more complicated, we usually discuss it first in the mod Discord - which you guys obviously can't see. Sometimes if we collaborate on an ask, whoever sees it in the ask box first is the one who ends up answering it, but not always. But we usually just sign those with a single name for sake of ease. If we put all the names of all the mods who contributed any thought to an ask, most of them would have all of our names on them. Also, it's not necessarily accurate to sign my name to an ask if all I'm commenting on is the tone of an ask. Sure, I technically contributed, but I didn't say anything helpful.

If multiple people have thoughts on an ask, usually what we do is one person answers it and the others reblog with their thoughts. This ask is an exception because last time we answered an ask specifically about me that way, it escalated the situation, and we're trying to avoid that.

If none of us know how to answer an ask, we'll usually publish it for our followers' input after a week. I try to follow up about asks that are in drafts pretty often, so usually they don't sit there for a month, but like we've said multiple times, this month has been a bit of an outlier for all of us.

So essentially what I'm saying is that just because you don't see active ask collaboration happening doesn't mean it's not. It all happens in the Discord and, unless you're also a mod in our server, you're not going to see that discussion happening.

Hopefully this helps with the misunderstandings.

Mod Devyn

[square-enix]

fuck it i really need to get this off my chest. i guess this is me coming out in a really roundabout stupid way and i just needed to fucking vent because i can’t take this

after my last relationship it took me 5 years to feel like i could trust someone enough to enter into another relationship. i was terrified of being hurt and it took a lot of talking myself up to be able to let myself be vulnerable with someone again. and then it turned out to be so good. i felt so loved and so happy and i finally, finally started to develop some confidence surrounding things that i have hated myself for and felt were barriers to me ever being loved. i would get choked up thinking about how much i loved my boyfriend and how i didn’t know someone could make me feel that wanted. of course this doesn’t end happily; i got dumped and it turned out that my feelings had ceased to be reciprocated a ways into our relationship. now im realizing that i thought i knew what it was like to be loved by someone but i still don’t know, because i haven’t ever been loved, i guess

but the reason i feel like nobody will ever love me doesn’t come from the rejection, though it hurts unbelievably. i think i need to be candid about this because keeping it buried forever is just going to keep hurting me and making me feel like i can’t be loved because nobody would ever want someone like me.

what im avoiding saying with this baffling stream of consciousness is that i’m intersex. i have an intersex condition that i’ve grappled with my entire life and i don’t want to get into the details, but there it is. i don’t ever talk about it because i don’t want people to think less of me. i work my ass off in everything i do because i hate myself for it and want to prove that i’m worth something, because my condition makes me feel worthless. i am undeniably a man, but there is always this word modifying my status as male, this horrible thing that feels like a curse. i’ve never opened up about it because i never wanted pity, i never wanted my friends to treat me differently or talk to me like i wasn’t their equal; i never wanted to hear that i was good at something “for someone like me,” i never wanted to be anything but just some guy. i also haven’t opened up about it because people who have known about it have hurt me, both physically and emotionally, because of it. but i can’t keep that hidden from people i enter into relationships with. for my entire life i’ve had to carry around this self loathing and it’s kept me from initiating or accepting relationships. it’s made me so lonely and isolated and i know that statistically people dont tend to love people like me.

to top it off, i’m an addict and i have a health condition that will either cause me on-and-off suffering indefinitely or will suddenly kill me without a moment’s notice. the only reason i’m saying all this stuff is because i know now that there’s no point in keeping it close to the vest. i’m at rock bottom and i think part of me is saying this because i know it’ll make some people think less of me, and maybe i’m just trying to self-destruct. but maybe there’s a part of me that hopes i’m wrong about all this, and that maybe in spite of who i am, i could be loved - really loved - by someone else. i don’t know.

i had surgery due to a complication pertaining to my intersex condition - sorry to everyone i lied to about the nature of my surgery - and it was fucking traumatic and horrible and my now-ex had to deal with so much of my fear and anxiety as i went through it. he had to watch me get sick with my mast cell disorder again, and he had to put up with me going through withdrawal multiple times. i think i have too much baggage and that, coupled with the fact that most people will never love someone who was born like me, will always make me too hard to love. i wouldn’t love me either. i don’t.

i don’t really know why i’m writing this. i’ll probably regret it and it’s long and i doubt anyone will really bother to read through it. i’m half coming out and half whining about how miserable my life feels. there’s nothing empowering about this, i don’t take any pride in it, i’m just at the end of my rope and i needed to just get it all out. i’m tired of carrying around all this hurt and self-loathing and i can’t take the loneliness and pain and fear of rejection it causes me every day. i don’t feel like i’m ever going to be good enough for another person and i’m never going to know what it feels like to hear “i love you” without wondering if it’s a lie. i’m not angry, i’m not resentful, and maybe i should be, but i just feel hurt. i thought i could have imagined how much all of this would hurt, but i was so wrong.