#and it's hard to forgive yourself for flaws that have been and continue to actively make you miserable.

[syekick-powers]

every time a medical professional of some sort tells me i have a high degree of self-awareness, it makes me have an external reaction of "thank you i try" and an internal reaction of "honestly i think having as high a level of self-awareness as i do is at least a quarter of why i'm so miserable. :')"

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

so i just found some old interviews of spop, especially ones after the finale, and i just wanted to dissect some of the interesting parts:

the crew themselves keep reinforcing the idea that only catra saw adora for who she is, when the show itself says otherwise multiple times. catra, who mocked adora for never being a true hero, who kept hurting adora because she resented her for being she-ra, who kept saying that adora has a hero complex and that she is full of herself. that catra “motivated and inspired” adora?

“i wanted their romance to be the central arc”

this explains everything. the fact that they took an existing show with an intriguing fantasy world and so much potential and then reduced it to “cute lesbians kiss haha”. if you're gonna write a show about romance, do that. you don't have to butcher an already existing series for that.

“it reveals how that arc has been built”

what arc? is the arc we're talking about in the same room as us? because from what i can see, they put in zero effort to make c//a's development even halfway coherent. catgirl tortures hero for four seasons, gets saved by said hero and joins the good guys, continues torturing hero. how is that an arc?

so.. they have the right idea here. catra and adora did indeed need to take their time away from each other and deal with their problems. but did they? adora came close to building her self-esteem and realizing that she didn't have to take responsibility for everything around her. but then all that was reversed in s5 when she was forced into a relationship with the same person who ruined her sense of self-worth in the first place.

catra.. doesn't even try. the closest she got to moving on from her past was during her time in the crimson waste but then she ends up spiralling even deeper into toxicity, adding more and more into her list of crimes. in s5, she is shown to reflect on her relationship with adora but does she learn anything from it? nope. she continues abusing and berating adora, she continues giving adora mixed signals and relying on adora to do all the work in the relationship.

so the crew seemingly had the right idea (although i'd say they still shouldn't get into a relationship, even after they've worked on their issues) but never followed through. instead they gave us a lazy and rushed redemption, where the wrongdoer never works on their flaws and instead puts all the blame on their partner. amazing.

so nate himself admits that not all of catra's actions were justified. but then, why does the show try to justify them? why does the show justify catra abusing adora by implying that it's because adora abandoned her? why does the show justify all of catra's toxic and abusive behaviour by blaming it solely on shadow weaver? if catra's actions cannot be justified, the narrative should keep her accountable, which they don't.

secondly, i'll try not to assume the worst of nate's personality from what he said, and just get to the important part.

“It's other people's decision to forgive you, that's not a given, but also there are ways for you to fix what's broken. You have to work hard to prove yourself again, you have to actually actively fix what's done, it's not as simple as a sacrifice.”

i'm so confused. the way nate says it, you'd think he applied all of this to catra's arc. but he didn't. “it's not as simple as a sacrifice” but a sacrifice was all it took for catra to be forgiven by her victims. she doesn't work on herself, her apologies were shallow, and she continues repeating the same mistakes. “it's other people's decision to forgive you” yet every single character forgives catra immediately and none of them are allowed to stay mad at her.

how could you write such a bad redemption and then talk about it as if it had all the details and nuance it was lacking? again, when speaking, nate seems to have the right idea of how to write a redemption arc. why did they fumble so badly when it came to actually executing it in the story? the only answer i can think of is that none of the writers in the crew are good at writing.

[snoopy2233]

To "I Always Care About You" Kind of Person. Merriest Birthday.

I looked through the notes I've saved and realized that your birthday is just a few days away. I've been contemplating how to make it memorable this year, my dear friend. I didn't want to opt for something cliché; rather, I wanted to do something special for someone I trust and cherish deeply. And here I stumbled upon this note, perhaps I attached the link when I posted something about you? I hope you enjoy reading this.

A simple 'Happy Birthday' or a multitude of wishes wouldn't suffice to express how much I value your presence in my life, spanning almost seven years. After much deliberation, I've decided to recall some topics that have left a lasting impact, ones that have lingered longer in my memory. I tend to overanalyze and remember certain things from people I respect or love, and perhaps this time, I'll allow us to embrace some painful memories or experiences that you, maybe, dislike.

I recall the first time you confided in me with your secret back in high school when we were just teenagers. You were discussing how adults sometimes engage in activities perceived as wrong or taboo, and how you were tempted to try them due to the influence of certain people or friends in your circle. I remember thinking that perhaps it was just teenage curiosity and peer pressure. But that's okay; I respect your curiosity. There's nothing wrong with being curious yet hesitant to try something.

There was also a time when you faced failure in another aspect. Was it during our college entrance exams that we took twice in a row? You persevered and took it multiple times, while I couldn't even fathom the idea, lacking the courage and energy to persist after facing rejection. One attempt was enough for me to feel utterly defeated, but you kept pushing forward, relentlessly pursuing the results you desired. Were you exhausted? Were you weary of living up to others' expectations? I hope you take a moment to acknowledge and commend your teenage self, who displayed unwavering determination and resilience. You know, best friend, I've always been in awe of you and proud of your accomplishments. Forever.

I recall you mentioning how your family's expectations, particularly those of your grandmother and older brother, weighed heavily on you. Was it fair to you? Whether it was due to their failures or simply because no one else in your family had achieved it, you bore the burden. Despite facing constant belittlement and invalidation of your efforts from some family members, you demonstrated a level of bravery that I couldn't even imagine. You endured countless days filled with doubt and nights fraught with insecurity, yet you chose to forgive and forget. But please, never blame yourself for not conforming to their expectations.

As you turn 21, I hope you are surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are, recognizing your hard work and even your flaws.

May this milestone age of 21 nurture a deeper sense of self-love within you. Please believe that I cherish and appreciate you immensely.

May you always find the courage to navigate through challenging situations and never doubt yourself, even in the face of failure. If ever you need a shoulder to lean on, mine is always here for you, or you can seek comfort from someone else willing to lend you their support. Please don't suffer alone; your feelings matter, and so do you.

Happy 21st birthday!

May you continue to shine brightly despite life's challenges.

I wish the world were kinder to you and that your past had been easier, but I hope the future holds promise and hope.

I may not be religious,

but I will pray for you today,

Imploring whatever higher power may exist to shower you with all the goodness you deserve, at least for today.

Happy Birthday, my dearest ZR!

You are forever! 🌟🐠🦦🍅‼️

Written on March 8, 2024, with my limbs all tangled in my bed, giggling.

With so much love and gratefulness,

C.

[valsedelesruines]

As I’ve gotten older, I have noticed that the people I interact with are not only not supportive of what I do or say, but actively try to tell me the way I do things is wrong, reflective of poor judgement, or reflective of poor character. It has been hard to realize that not everyone continues on a projection of self-security as I continue to be more comfortable with my choices and thought processes. Individual insecurity, I have found, has often been the reason why people say mean or hurtful things to me, and it makes sense that this would grow over time, as generally things like anxiety and insecurity continue to fester with age if not consciously addressed. 

For example, just today I was talking with a friend of mine from university. There were three times in the conversation where they made personal attacks to my character, perhaps without really realizing it. The first was when they said I had made numerous poor decisions in my life that they wouldn’t have chosen to do. The second was when they said, of course I wouldn’t be the type to get “wrapped up in it” when I made a suggestion to not get too invested in watching the impeachment trial all day, as it was my suggestion to decrease their stress on the matter (they also insinuated my choice to not get invested in the trial was anti-democratic. weird but ok.). The third was when they pointed out that me having pink hair, which I have had for over seven years now, as a poor life choice. That was the first time they ever voiced that opinion of me, but it felt very odd as my hair has always felt like a harmless, fun thing that I do that is also a part of my idea of self. Now, I have been dealing with people saying negative, put-down things like this to me as “fact” for a long time. My older sister has called me a cold-hearted person, my family continuously promotes the idea that I was an evil and annoying child, I have had co-workers and professors assume my political beliefs, and throughout middle school I was told that I was annoying. So much so, that it was only until recently that Will told me that I am not actually annoying and I only say I am because that hatred for myself has become so engrained in my self-perception. It was an act of conforming to those expectations people had for me that I started to believe that is what I was, that the people telling me those things became my internal voice. And the fact is he’s right, I don’t actually believe I’m annoying, I’ve just been saying it so long it became somewhat of a habit. So rejecting that is more an act of forgiveness and self-love than anything. 

It can be exhausting, but only if you believe in it. Each year I fall more and more comfortable and confident in what I want to do and how I want to approach life. Of course, I am still insecure. Of course, I still have self-hate. And of course, I have doubts in the ways I perceive myself and the world around me. But, overall, I feel much happier challenging the things people tell me. And I feel happier proving others wrong when I don’t agree with them, or exceeding their expectations when I do. 

The thing is, I am not trying to be understood. I don’t think people can understand individuals outside of the self. But, I would like to be able to have discussions where any attacks on self-character are self-directed. I know I’m a fool and I know I have biases and my own perception of the world. But is that interesting? Are my personal anecdotes and worldviews and character flaws necessary to point out? Do we have to justify all actions by our ‘moral’ character? I found this interesting text I sent back in 2016 where I was talking to someone about my concerns with opening up to my close friends. I was worried that it would change things. In hindsight, I think that is true and that it has, because the more open I become, the more I start to reject those expectations. Everyday the people in your social groups, family, friends bombard you with their perceptions of you. And if you start to agree with that to fit into those norms then that can become your character and how you view yourself. If you don’t conform to those expectations, then it has the potential to upset people who had certain perceptions of who you were. There is no solution, there is just the choice: to accept or reject the expectations of others and to amplify or dampen the expectations of self. I prefer to always choose the selfish option, because overall you do the greatest amount of good if you act in your own self interest. if one person tells you you can do something and the other person tells you that you cannot, who do you believe? Neither, and that is hard to learn to do when each person is telling you these ideas on the basis of their opinions and not a solid form of “truth.” Another important thing to keep in mind, is when others are putting you down for things you are proud of, it is often coming from a place of their insecurity. Learn to recognize that and forgive them. I suppose the only suggestion left then is to first understand there is not basis in your character, and the second is to “know thyself.”

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

When It All Comes Down (a 5x08 alternate ending)

The trouble with engaging L-Corp's satellites for Non Nocere is that it focuses their sight on the Earth's surface-- not the Claymore satellite orbiting into place over their location.

Lena's only warning is a split second of the mountain trembling around her before her memory cuts out, and the next thing she knows she's being hauled out of the rubble that was once Lex's bunker. 

For a moment, her heart trips at the assumption it's Kara's hands wrapped around her wrist and arm, Supergirl's blonde hair glinting in the pre-dawn light. 

It's not.

"Hope?" Lena asks, her voice dry with dust and punctuated by the vicious stab of broken ribs. When her vision goes red, she realizes the sweat on her brow is in fact blood, and her head accepts the invitation to start pounding with agonizing fervor.

Dark eyes gaze down at her solemnly, lips twisting uncomfortably. "No."

Before Lena can think to wonder what the response means, her eyes roll back in her head. When she comes to again, she's tucked under an overhang in the rubble, and insulated by the minimal protection offered by Hope's lab coat. It's been wrapped around her with great care, and something besides broken bones twinges inside her chest.

When Hope notices her return to consciousness, she brightens, and straightens just a bit, but it's not the alertness Lena's come to recognize in Hope.

Lena blinks. "Eve."

The woman exhales, shoulders slumping. "Yes."

"The explosion rendered Hope inert," Lena surmises, without surprise. She embraces what comes next with the same disinterest as her next business meeting. "If you want to finish what you started, now's your chance."

Eve's gaze falls to her hands. Shame.

"I never wanted to--"

"Right. Blackmail, wasn't it? Or did you volunteer no questions asked?"

"And even if I did want to," Eve continues, ignoring Lena's jab, "I would have done it weeks ago."

In a gentle wash, Lena's heart slows perilously, taking the pain with it, leaving her ears nearly ringing. "But-- Hope..."

"Turns out there's more of you in her code than you'd think. She relinquished control in the first week. She independently concluded that infesting me acted against her programming of do no harm."

Lena blinks against the burn of tears building in her eyes. Not even Hope had turned out the way she intended. Lex was right-- she truly is a fool. Lena swallows her pride and her failure in the same breath, and meets Eve's gaze with solemn intent.

"Why didn't you leave? I gave Hope unrestricted access to all of L-Corp's resources and faculties. You could have walked out and never looked back.”

Eve can’t bring herself to meet Lena’s gaze. "I have been running for so long,” she expels softly. There’s a relief in the confession, as though she’s setting down some invisible burden she’s carried with her for who knows how long. “Being back at L-Corp was…”

“Your place to run to ground--”

“I thought maybe if I helped you with your project,” Eve cuts her off again, voice lifting across the sea of debris around them, “as flawed a project as it was, if I helped, maybe I’d be able to make up for what I did.” 

She looks at Lena, as though searching for a forgiveness she knows better than to hope for. Lena doesn’t give her anything more than a hard stare, and a gaze that pulses with every heartbeat. Her head aches, but Lena doesn’t let it show in the scowl tugging at her lips.

"You're right," Eve concludes with a soft sigh, her gaze falling away. "I could apologize every minute for the rest of my life and it still wouldn't make up for what I did. Which is why..."

Eve pauses, pulling a watch from her back pocket. Lena looks closely to find that it isn't a transmat portal, but Supergirl's emergency beacon. Her stomach lurches.

"When I push this button, and Supergirl shows up to save you, we're going to tell her that I'm the one behind Non Nocere. That I coerced your help by threatening to reveal Supergirl's identity to the public. She won't look twice if she believes you did it to protect her."

"The DEO will never believe--"

"Hope and I have seeded enough of a digital trail through L-Corp's system to create reasonable doubt, and looped enough video footage to prove most of our work was done without you present. Supergirl will explain away the rest on her own."

Lena regards her former assistant warily. "Why?"

Eve shrugs. "Like I said-- I'm tired of running." 

Her thumbs rub the edges of the watch, gaze turned inwards. 

"Lena, I... When you met me, Lex had assigned me to CatCo. It was never expected that I’d be able to get close to you. Lex was certain you'd sniff me out the moment I interviewed."

"Yes, I'm an idiot,” Lena grumbles, wincing as her breath catches the wrong way, making her entire body blanch with pain. “We've established that."

When she looks back at Eve, Lena finds her assistant regarding her with a quiet, unfathomable gaze. The intensity of her attention gives Lena pause. She swallows against a dry tongue, suddenly nauseous. 

“You really don't know the effect you have on the world, do you.” 

Eve shakes her head softly, her dismay conveyed with a shrug. 

“Of course not. Lex made you feel like a grain of sand to his multitudes of lightning-glass.”

But when Eve looks at her again, the softness in her features make Lena want to claw at it, rip it to shreds with her fingernails like an animal. To carve ribbons into that gentle regards and leave it bleeding as badly as she had, that day in Lex’s bunker, alone.

She does nothing.

“When you hired me away from CatCo,” Eve continues, “you were the first person to ever see something in me besides a doormat. Even as nice as James was, he saw me only as an assistant. Someone to prop him up so he could do his job. You were the only one who saw me as someone with my own contribution to make. 

“When you see someone, you SEE them. You can’t begin to imagine how much that can mean to someone.”

A heavy knot tightens in Lena’s chest. Doesn’t she? Isn’t that how Kara was able to slip under her walls and dig her hooks in her so easily? Because she made Lena feel seen, for the first time in her life.

“And no,” Eve continues, oblivious to Lena’s discomfort, “I know I could never make amends. Not to you. I know that once your trust is lost it can’t be regained, especially when it was lost to an act malice. But Lena…”

Lena wants to ignore the plaintive sound of her name, but her gaze slides back to Eve against her will.

“Supergirl didn’t keep her secret out of malice.”

“You don’t know--”

“I know the difference between an act of violence and an act of desperation,” Eve insists. “I faced the same decision she did, and I made the wrong choice. But Kara Danvers made the right one, even if it came too late. Her deception came from a desire to love you.”

“A liar forgiving a liar,” Lena mutters. “Imagine that.”

“Kara made a mistake. But why is it that the one you’re truly punishing is yourself?”

Lena glares at her, pain ebbing beneath the sharp, sudden stab of anxiety that confuses as much as it surprises her. The idea is ludicrous, and yet-- why does she feel as though she’s been caught out?

If Eve sees her panic, she doesn’t mention it. She releases a silent breath, and turns her attention down to the beacon still resting in her hands. She brushes her finger over the activation button, preparing to press it.

"Wait."

Eve's finger hovers over the button. Lena gazes at Eve with tired eyes. 

"You said... Is that why you think Non Nocere is flawed? Because you think I’m punishing myself?"

Eve nods. "You may tell yourself you’re trying to make humanity better, but that’s not what you’re doing. You’re removing your need to trust.”

Lena blinks, heart pounding. Her mouth opens, but no sound emerges.

“You’ve already seen enough hurt, Lena. Don’t be the one who hurts yourself the most.”

A faint beep breaks the quiet between them, and the el mayarah pulses on the watch face with a warm glow. They both stare at it for a long moment, until Eve reaches forward and settles the watch atop a nearby rock.

“Give Kara a chance to make it right,” she says quietly. “If can forgive her, maybe you’ll be able to forgive yourself.”

[wingsofkpop]

When You Love Someone - Part Four /// Eros

pairing(s): Park Jaehyung x Reader, Day6 x Reader

genre: High School!AU, Young Love!AU, pretty much all Angst this one is

warning(s): None

word count: 2,7k

synopsis: There are many paths in life, but the longest of all is the path to the heart. In your eyes, what does it truly mean… to love?…

chapter directory

In the entire four years of your friendship, you and Sungjin have only had one meaningful fight that led to eventual disaster. It was right after winter break of junior year at the high school’s annual Winter Formal event. To be honest, you can’t remember the true details since the entire night was merely a blur of fake snowflakes and mediocre music—all except it was the first time you’ve ever seen Sungjin lose his temper. 

From what you can remember, you had been dancing with Jae—both of you agreed to remain friends after your breakup—when Nayeon and her entourage ended up spilling their cups of punch on your mother’s old homecoming gown, a dress that her own mother had given to her in the past. It was an accident, until Nayeon laughed and said you could pass for a tramp on the side of the road. You blacked out with rage after that, so the rest is a little fuzzy, but the last thing you remember is Sungjin dragging you outside the party and angrily chastising you for causing a scene—it's also important to note that this was where you first learned the two were dating. Anyway, still blinded by your temper, you ended up saying some pretty nasty things about not only the cheerleader, but your friend as well. And he, the same to you. 

Long story short, the two of you avoided each other like the plague for almost a month. However, you were the one who caved first and waited almost an hour on his doorstep to apologize to him in tears. It’s something neither of you have talked about since then, being mutually agreed that it’s definitely not one of the best moments in your friendships, nor have you really thought about it much. Until now. 

After your screw-up, you tried to call Sungjin the next day as well as the day after. You tried to call once in the morning, twice in the evening and once before bed—knowing that he’s probably up late studying or working on some last minute college stuff; Sungjin’s always been an overachiever like that. You also tried to catch him at school, but no matter how early you arrive to his classrooms or how late you stand outside the building, his face never comes into view. It’s as if he has vanished from your life with as little as no trace to find him. 

It’s ironic… cause you miss him more than ever. 

You watch the soccer team battle against one another, likely practicing for an upcoming game. The sight of a dozen students in bright, neon uniforms chasing after a black and white ball was boring, but mind-numbing. Not enough to completely distract your brain from the ache in your chest, but enough to at least calm your thoughts. Your eyes twitch when you spy one of your own friends, Jihyo deliver a kick that lands the ball in the opposite goal. Shouts and cheers emerge across the field—you meant to call out your own praise, but you couldn’t find the voice. You couldn’t find a lot of things lately. 

“Since when do you watch soccer?” Your gaze snaps to the side at the familiar demand of your best friend. Wonpil carefully climbs his way down the bleachers to where you’re currently sat, lowering next to you with a sigh of exhaustion, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” 

You shrug still not meeting the newcomer’s eyes, “I needed some air.” 

“Long day?” 

“I guess.” Wonpil huffs at your reply, but makes no attempt to scold you for your indifference. Instead, he also turns his attention to the active players, eyes darting back and forth as the ball rolls about the field. You find yourself suffocating in the awkward silence—completely aware that Wonpil wanted to say something more—and turn to face the boy with a glare. He catches your gaze with an expression of surprise. 

“What?” 

“If you want to say something, Pil, then just say it.” 

His face goes blank. “It’s not my place to say anything, noona.” 

“You say that every time-” You chuckle, the sound laced with sarcasm. “-can never have an opinion, can you?” Once the words leave your lips, guilt immediately spreads through your body. Your eyes flutter shut with another sigh, “Sorry… that wasn’t fair.” 

Wonpil shrugs, “I’ll let it slide. I know you’re having a hard time, right now.” 

“I just don’t know what to do, Pil.” You confess, carding a hand through your wind-blown hair. “He won’t talk to me, much less see me.” 

“You hurt him,” Wonpil says. “Can you blame him?” 

“Of course not. I just don’t know how to fix it.” You bury your face in your hands, “I mean… what if he never forgives me?” 

“You’re so blind, noona. Both you and Sungjin.” 

“What?” 

“After all these years and you still haven’t noticed,” He shakes his head with an impatient sigh. 

Your eyebrows furrow, “Haven’t noticed what? What are you talking about, Pil?”

“I’m talking about the fact that Sungjin is in love with you,” Wonpil answers, “and you’re obviously in love with him.” 

The first feeling that enters your chest is the incredulity that your best friend would even consider saying something like that, but when you open your mouth to retort and defend, you find your own throat dry with speechlessness. It’s not like you’ve ever not thought about what it would be like to date Sungjin—hell, every person has thought about what it would be like to be romantically involved with their best friend at least once in their life—but you’d never let it go farther than that… right?

You think back to the most golden of moments you’ve shared with the boy, analyzing each one in closed-detailed context: He listens when no one else will. He accepts all of you, the worst of your flaws included. He always has your back even in the most inopportune of situations… But aren’t these all things that best friends do for each other—with some extra benefits in between? Like the skinship and nicknames… or the fact that your heart beats a million times faster whenever you hear his voice… or maybe that you never feel truly complete until he’s around...

Your stomach aches at the realization—because you know better than to lie to yourself and certainly not your own heart.

“...Why did he never say anything?” You murmur finally, already physically and psychologically exhausted from the thoughts bouncing through your mind. With tears welling in your eyes, you meet the gaze of your other best friend. “I mean… after Jae and I broke up, I thought he would at least-” 

“-He didn’t want to hurt you anymore than you already were, noona.” Wonpil moves a hand to your knee, sympathetically squeezing the flesh. “That’s why him and Nayeon started dating… so he could get over you…” 

“But I just-I still don’t understand… Why stay away all those months?” 

Wonpil sighs, “He was afraid that he would ruin what little time you have left together before graduation—so I told him he needed to figure out what he really wanted before it was too late.” 

“You…?” You whisper, “All those times you tried to get me to talk to him… so he could-” 

“-so he could see how much he needs you, or at least, you could realize.” He chuckles sarcastically, “Like I said though, the both of you are just so freaking blind.” 

You shake your head, still drowning in disbelief, “...What do I do?” 

“That depends… Do you love him?” 

“I-I… I think so.” 

“No, noona.” Wonpil’s gaze is stern, almost as if he were scolding a small child. “Do you love him?” You shiver beneath the intensity, but gradually relax as more and more intrusive thoughts settle themselves within your mind. Soon only one remained: 

“I do.” 

Wonpil smiles, “Do you want to be with him?”

A smile of your own forms for the first time in the past few days. “Yes, I do.” 

“Then go.” 

“What?” 

“Honestly, noona-” Your companion delivers a hefty shove to your shoulder and points back toward the school, “-you’re killing me here! Go get your man!”

Your eyes widen, “Right now? But he won’t talk to me-” 

“-Just go!” A surprised gasp escapes your lips when you realize your and Pil’s conversation had attracted the audience of the soccer players. You almost laugh at their invested expressions, but decide not to test just how far their and your best friend’s patience goes. Instead you take off across the field and back toward the building with your heartbeat pounding in your ears. 

You can only hope Sungjin will be willing to listen one final time.  

“I just can’t believe Mr. Nichkhun won’t allow me to write a song in place of a story for our project.” Wonpil explains as the two of you watch Kang Younghyun shove his way through a bunch of giggling sophomore girls. He continues to sail his way through the crowded hallway, passing the two of you without so much as a second glance. You hold back a laugh as Wonpil visibly shivers and continue to pilfer through your locker even as he drags on about the teachers of the school are limiting student expression.

“Don’t give up just yet, Pil,” You say, switching out your trigonometry materials for your sociology ones. “If you prove to Mr. Nichkhun that you really want to do that, I’m sure he’ll change his mind.” 

“I can’t help it.” Your companion sighs, “I really don’t want to have to write a fairy tale.” 

“Then why on earth did you take creative writing?” 

“It seemed like an easy A at the time.” 

You shrug while rearranging your art supplies, “That’s why you shouldn’t always go for the easy way out.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Your laugh at the boy’s defensive tone, but the sound gradually dwindles when you peer past his shoulder. Barely a couple feet ahead was Sungjin, deep in conversation with some other students you recognized from the student body, and at his side was none other than Nayeon, the head cheerleader herself. 

Wonpil, startled by your sudden mood change, looks over his own shoulder. His features soften as he observes the sight as well, turning back to you with a sympathetic expression. You avoid his likely apologetic eyes and continue to search for a pencil, even though you already have two tucked away in your notebook. 

“You know-” He pauses for a moment as if arranging his words, but quickly resumes, “-The dance was weeks ago, noona… You should go talk to him.” 

“And say what? I think Nayeon’s the most self-centered, dramatic, privileged brat that I ever met and have no idea what he sees in her?” You slam your locker door with a huff before turning to face your companion, your tone a bit more softer than before. “I can’t talk to him, Pil. Not after everything we said to each other.” 

“I’m sure Sungjin is missing you just as much as you miss him, and if you just tell him how you feel-” 

“-He could care less about how I think they’re incompatible. He made that very clear.” 

“Are you sure that’s the real reason why you don’t think they should be together?” You freeze at Wonpil’s question, nearly sending your books crashing to the floor. After taking a moment to compose yourself, you glance back—unaware of the panic in your eyes. 

You shake your head, “What other reason would there be?” 

He stares back, his expression completely blank. “I don’t know. Just wondering.” 

You take his statement for what it is, feeling relief when Jae appears from somewhere amongst the crowds. You bid your best friend a final farewell before slipping your arm through your other friend’s and dragging him down the corridor toward your next class. When you pass Sungjin, you make sure to laugh a little louder at Jae’s joke. 

—As if it would distract you from the slight ache radiating from your chest.  

You managed to track Sungjin down in the hallway, having just caught him leaving a National Honor Society meeting in the library—memorizing his after school activities schedule does have an ounce of worth. Upon your arrival, the boy obviously notices your presence and attempts to duck behind his other club members in order to escape. 

“Wait, please! Sungjin!” Dashing around the group of students, you stop Sungjin just as he reaches the threshold of the front doors. Once again, the boy tries to maneuver around you to slip out the exit, but you block the doorway before he can pass. “Will you please just talk to me?” 

“Move, (Y/N). Please.” 

“Not until we talk.” He moves to push past you again, and this time you go for his wrist. “Sungjin, please...” 

At your whine, Sunjin stills. A brief moment of silence encompasses the atmosphere before it’s interrupted by his murmur, “What, (Y/N)?” 

 “About the other night,” You begin, “I’m so, so sorry-” 

“-You’re sorry? That’s what you came to say?” 

You frantically shake your head, “Well n-no, but I needed you to know that.” 

Sungjin stares at you for a moment, his eyes filled with something that you couldn’t read. His gaze sends tremors to your knees, but you stand your ground, your conversation with Wonpil echoing in your head like a motivational symphony. However, anxiety floods your system as an expression of frustration emerges over the boy’s face. His sigh of exhaustion sends more shivers through your body. 

Sungjin’s head rocks back and forth, “I can’t keep doing this with you.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“This.” He says softly, “I’m always there for you, (Y/N), whenever you need me.” His eyes finally lift from the floor to meet your gaze and you find your heart shattering at the absolute pain present within the chocolate irises, “but the one time I need you, you’re not there.” 

His statement has tears welling beneath your lids, guilt and dread blossoming in your chest like a poisonous flower. You step closer to your companion, moving your hands to his elbows. He continues to hold your eyes even as salty droplets begin to spill from his own. 

“I know I messed up-” Your voice cracks. You take a moment to compose yourself, to stop the tears from escaping, before continuing, “-but if you just let me explain and let me fix this...” 

“Enough damage has already been done, (Y/N).” Sungjin pulls away from your grip, leaving your arms to helplessly fall to your sides. You can’t bear to watch as he heads toward the door, instead keeping your eyes on the linoleum floors. You don’t bother to hold back the tears this time, allowing them to flow down your cheeks like rivers of fire. However in the very corner of your vision, you notice his figure pause just beyond the door. For a moment, you had hope—until his cracked comment met your ears: 

“Some things are just best left broken..” He smiles sadly, “I hope you find whatever it is you want, sweetheart.” You watch Sungjin exit the school, his silhouette fading with each step he takes into the blinding sunlight—and you’re left with nothing but another round of fresh tears and a heart broken to pieces. 

“(Y/N)-noona!” You quickly dry your tears as Wonpil appears from the opposite end of the hallway, a red-faced and gasping Jae not too far behind him. You meet them halfway, somehow finding the strength to move your legs, and the bright grin across your best friend’s face immediately falters when he takes notice of your tear-stained cheeks. 

“It’s like I told you, Pil. He won’t talk to me.” 

“Then we’ve got some work to do.” Your companion grabs your wrist and pulls you forward with Jae following not too far behind, leading you toward the exit where Sungjin disappeared only moments before. “You’ll need that prom dress first.” 

“I already told you, Pil.” You say, comfortably adjusting your limb in his grasp. “I can’t afford the dress, especially after I quit from the store-” 

“-We bought the dress for you, (Y/N).” Shock invades your body like an electric current at Jae’s amused reply. He bumps his shoulder against yours before sending you a mischievous smile: 

“-but you owe us, and not only for the dress—but for finally setting you up with the guy you’ve been madly in love with for nearly all of high school.”

[purpledinosaur1988]

Ever been in one of those situations where you put your trust in the wrong person. Yeah me to. I used to be "friends" with this female who turned out to be TOXIC! She caused so many problems in my life to a point where she would use me to lie for her, watch her brat of a child. When I met my husband back in 2014, the toxic female would try her best to break me and him up. It was early days in our relationship and she would always expect me to drop everything including date night plans to help her out of sticky situations. After seeing the effects of how miserable I was being made to feel, my husband eventually got me to walk away from the toxic female and finally be happy. I felt so much better without being associated with her. We never spoke again, would avoid each other in public etc. Fast for to a few months ago, I was waiting on a bus to work, she approached me trying to use my child as a pawn to win back "friendship" by telling me that my son's nan had passed away, saying I was to unblock her as she missed me. Obviously I didn't unblock her from my socials and the next time I saw my son I asked his uncle how his mum (my son's nan) was and that I hadn't seen her in awhile, he answered saying she is still struggling with the whole pandemic but is much better than before. That cleared that up. The toxic female told me a malicious lie. I mean has she no better things to be getting on with than trying to get me to fall for her BS 🐂💩 again.

My life has improved massively over the years I have been with my husband, we met in 2014, engaged in 2015 & married in 2016. I don't have a big circle of friends and I am okay with that as I would rather surround myself with those who are positive influences to me. Those friends hold a special place in my heart ♥️ I have my 2 best friends who I have been friends with since high school so they are more like Sisters to me.

If anyone feels there are red flags in your life with certain people. Please don't ignore them as you deserve to be happy.

Signs to look out for

1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.

2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.

3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.

4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.

5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.

6. Lies and excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.

7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.

8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.

9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.

10. You find yourself playing detective. It is never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you are scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You are seeking answers to a feeling you cannot quite explain.

11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.

12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I have never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.

13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they’re the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They will not care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.

14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.

15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.

16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner’s version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.

17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.

18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they’re two hours late, do not forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.

19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.

20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.

21. Sometimes it seems as though they’ve forgotten who they’re supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It is always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just does not seem to add up.

22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.

23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you are self-conscious about your looks, they will call you the sexiest person in the world. If you have got a need to entertain, they will say you’re the funniest person they have ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.

24. Frequently comments about what you are wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror.

25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest in you.

26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind, and cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.

27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.

28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.

29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.

30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

We can find that normal and loving people do not raise any of these flags. After a negative encounter, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Our gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. We all wonder if we have gone absolutely mad for wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but also feeling sick to the stomach when actually spending time with them.

It is important to develop our intuition, but that is a personal process. The world is mostly full of good people, and we suffer a double punishment if we miss them due to the fear of being hurt again.

People need to set aside some time to get in touch with their feelings, and become comfortable with a balance of awareness and trust. The reflection offers understanding about our emotions. It helps provide understanding for which old relationships need to be refreshed, and which toxic patterns need to be abandoned and replaced by healthier ones.

Society conditions us to ask “does this person like me” instead of exercising critical thinking and asking “do I like this person?”

[illegalastrology111]

,KARMASTARS:  DECEMBER 1ST - 7TH

ARIES

MONEY: Make sure that in all interactions affecting success and prosperity, that you’re seeing and “reading situations and people correctly, otherwise you run the risk of causing unnecessary friction.   If you can be the observer, first and foremost this will be avoided.

SEX:    Make sure you’re on your best behavior this week.   If you place unrealistic expectations onto your partner you’ll push them away instead of bringing them closer.

POWER: Jupiter moves into Capricorn for one year on the 2nd, affecting your area of carer, goals, ambition, authority and power. During this transit, how you climb to the top will be under scrutiny because Jupiter will highlighting the best and worst of your actions, behavior and intent.   By all means think big, but don’t “step” on others as you climb up.

TAURUS

MONEY: Be careful that you don’t allow friends and certain acquaintances to throw you off on a tangent, which causes you to get off track with hopes and wishes.  You’re instincts are correct in sensing what needs to be done and this should be your guide forward, at least if you want to succeed.   If you take your time and asses each situation and the timing of your actions, you won’t put a foot wrong.  Examine your life to ensure that changes you’re going through and/or trying to implement are actually for the better.

SEX:    If there’s anything you want to change in current love-relationships talk to your partner first before going it alone.

POWER: The new Jupiter in Capricorn cycle starting on December 2nd for twelve months highlights your ability to expand horizons, take advantage of opportunities to travel for work/career and possibly even move because of a job offer abroad.    All these things should be given careful consideration throughout the upcoming year, because the long-term is more important than the short-term, that’s how you will know what offers are best for you.  At the same time you will benefit from past investments, friends and commitments, while your faith and beliefs are  “tested”. Career change may also be on the horizon, taking you into a new direction, that at this point you never dreamed possible as a means to make money/be fulfilled.

GEMINI

MONEY: Career goals, ambitions and joint financial partnerships you’re hoping to manifest must be approached realistically/patiently in order for the foundation to be secure.  Try to think out-of- the-box, avoiding the conventional.  You have many ideas but the focus should now be on making them tangible and not just talking/thinking about them.  Also you have to have the right people on your side to make things happen.

SEX:     Balance work and play this week putting aside special time to be with your partner.  Don’t ignore them.

POWER: Throughout the next year, while Jupiter is in Capricorn, from December 2nd, your focus will be firmly set on removing people from your life/situations that are holding you back from overcoming certain karma and moving forward with career goals.    The past and people associated with it will try to pull you back into scenarios that aren’t in your best interests.. At the same time there will be individuals who could be considered secret/open enemies  who wish you to fail in your progress and make  mistakes.  If you don’t know who they are, you will once this transit takes off.  Ultimately, there will be people willing to support/help your success, you just have to align yourself carefully with the right people.    

On some level you’ll have to, at some point forgive people for their actions, so you’re not bound to them and then have to repeat the “lesson” again.     This is a cycle of introspective re-evaluation, as you clear the path to greater fulfillment and successes.

CANCER

MONEY: When dealing with any and all financial transactions/negotiations there could be swindling/deception involved.    It would therefore be wise for you to find out the details of everything that is going on before you get too involved and unable to extricate yourself from something not in your best interests.

SEX:    You may get swept away with strong feelings and desires when it comes to love, leaving you unaware of what is really going on between you and your partner.  Keep feet firmly on the ground and eyes open to the realities of a love-relationship, the good and the bad.

POWER: Knowing how to take care of yourself, business and life in general will make you stronger and less susceptible to undermining from others.   If you can become more independent you won’t have to rely  on certain individuals for necessities.

The Jupiter in Capricorn transit will effect your house of partnerships, contractual agreements and the public for one year, starting December 2nd.  This will be a time to look at all forms of partnership with others and deal with the weaknesses and flaws that are brought to your attention. During this cycle you’ll be empowered to go it alone and build stronger structures for the things you want to accomplish, especially if it involves being in the public eye. A broader vision of your own talents/capabilities and where they fit best will be provided as the Universe brings new opportunities for you to consider.

LEO

MONEY: You may have to deal with karma concerning ongoing financial partnerships as certain hidden truths come to the forefront.   How you deal with this will depend on how serious the revealed information really is and its effect on your life.  The worst case scenario is ignoring events that occur and things getting worse, to the point forms of security in, your life fall apart, making it hard to move forward and re-establish yourself.   The best case scenario, you confront whatever it is that needs to be dealt with and smooth over the “troubled waters”, which will be less devastating.    

SEX:     Changes have to be made in the area of love, whether single or in partnership.    Relationships would be more of a positive experience if you could learn how to share on a deeper level with your significant other and realize it’s not all about you.

POWER: The new cycle of Jupiter moving into Capricorn on December 2nd highlights your house of work, health and service others.    Because of the magnifying effect of Jupiter the structure of all three will be “tested”.   A change of employment may well occur by the end of this year long transit, so don’t be surprised if you experience career change, work abroad or having to at least travel a great deal more because of work, which in turn could bring stress, then health problems.    If the foundation of this house in your chart is not strong, you could find yourself having to alter work schedules because of health issues especially connected to diet     Finances will also be an issue related to work.  If there are any hidden financial deals that you don’t want people to know about, realize they could be exposed.   If you tread with care throughout the next 12 months,  you’ll be a lot healthier and life will be on a firmer foundation.

VIRGO

MONEY: A week to exercise caution and care in all contractual agreements with others.  Anything you want to say and do should be verbalized openly to people involved, the same for them.  Things that are hidden should be brought out into the open.   You’re in a cycle, or at least entering one, of tremendous change  over the next few years.   You have the ability and capacity to experience greater financial prosperity if you allow the Universe to guide you towards the right direction and you’re able to stay in harmony with Natural Law.

SEX:    Continue to work hard at love, knowing that both the inner and outer  aspects of your partner are important.  As long as you both know this and are in harmony with what you both want from love, it will be a success.

POWER: Virgo is an Earth sign and will benefit from the Jupiter/Capricorn transit beginning on December 2nd, because Capricorn is also an Earth sign.   Your house of creativity happiness, risk, love and childhood will be activated binging to the forefront issues that need to be looked at in all the aforementioned areas.      People benefit from Jupiter cycles when they see the “work” that needs to be done, highlighted by Jupiter, and get on with it.  These are the people who prosper and benefit.   When ignored, things can get a bit negative and worse, to some degree, because Jupiter is the planet of good luck, opportunity, expansion, growth learning, belief, wisdom, gain through experience, justice and the ability to grow in moral, mental and physical directions.    

If you’re able to make good use of this transit to create a better structure for your creative ideas, take greater risks working/interacting with people who have your best interests at heart, without a doubt you will increase finances,  receive good fortune, change of job and meet new more positive people.    Your goals will be fulfilled.  Therefore, don’t walk away from the “ lessons” of Jupiter, they are being shown to you, so that once removed, the Universe will fill the void with bigger and better things.

LIBRA

MONEY: In the area of work you’ll have to deal with what’s reality and what isn’t, who’s lying and who isn’t, because all is not what it appears to be on the surface, something you’ve been through before.   If you take everything on face-value you’ll be dong yourself a disservice and only have  Self to blame when things go wrong or you’re blamed for things that are the fault of others.  At the same time, take into consideration, the course of events are occurring because it’s really time for you to move on.

SEX:     Be careful of being too idealistic when it comes to love.   As much as you want people you care about to be a certain way, until you get to know them on a deeper level, you have to tread with care and not give of yourself too much in case you get hurt.  At the same time don’t look back look forward, in  other words learn to forgive but not forget.

POWER: Your foundation of life, home and family will be greatly affected by the Jupiter in Capricorn cycle from December 2nd, for a year.    If you’re been thinking of moving, the opportunity could present itself, while there will be changes with the family and their environment.    Career opportunity will also be a factor, in that if you’re able to catch trends as they’re emerging you could make a career for yourself and gain recognition.     The most important thing to remember however, is that whatever weaknesses still exist in your foundation of life, home/family needs to be dealt with before the Universe can bestow its good fortune.  This means, that it will seem as if thing get worse before they get better.  This is the Jupiter effect of magnifying situations for your attention, so they can be confronted and life can improve.

SCORPIO

MONEY: It’s a good thing to have visions and ideas of what you want to make tangible, but too much imagination and not enough creation/structure are the problem you’re faced with.   You have to somehow find a way to go through each idea, one by one, and see which one is viable and will actually work.  At the same time be careful of people who try to drain your energy and time, leading you off on tangents.   Focusing more on important tasks will help a great deal.

SEX:    Make sure you’re keeping up with commitments/promises made between you and your partner, otherwise love will start to weaken at the seams, if it hasn’t already.

POWER: The Jupiter in Capricorn cycle will require  you to have a more expansive viewpoint, ideas and be more decisive in terms of what you’re trying to accomplish.    If you look at life through a keyhole, you’ll get a very limited view of what is possible and your own potential.   Therefore, the next twelve months will bring opportunity for you to expand your perception of life, what can be achieved, the way it can be achieved and how to get to your destination.  Learning how to think, not what to think.  Changing the way you communicate your ideas in general.     This will be time to come to a better understanding with Self and others and plan your way forward in a new direction.

SAGITTARIUS

MONEY: Joint financial partnerships, home and foundation of life are all linked together and need to change if you’re going to be able to move forward.     This means you have to be more honest with people around you, concerning your intent and what it is you really want to accomplish.   Holding back or misleading others won’t make it any better, you’ll be stuck in the same position indefinitely.  Therefore, give serous consideration to being honest/straightforward about what needs to be done for positive change to take place and ultimately greater prosperity.

SEX:   You can’t be all things to all people, therefore it’s useless trying.  You have to be honest with Self and your significant other, about what you can and cannot do, then you’ll feel free to implement new dialogue that may not be well-received,  but is necessary.

POWER: Money, material possessions, self-worth and personal resources are the highlight of Jupiter moving into Capricorn for one year, as of December 2nd.  Before you can reap the “fruits of your labors” you have to spring clean your consciousness and let go of old ways of making money, that you perceive are more secure and reliable.    You’re not appreciating your worth/value by not focusing on serving your needs or doing things that fulfill you and would bring greater recognition.  If you continue to worry about whether something will work or not you’ll miss viable opportunities to excel during this time period.   You deserve more and can do better.  The Universe will bring into your life, over the next year, “tests” to help you break-free from self-inflicted, fear ,insecurity and doubt about what you can and cannot do to increase finances.   The sky is the limit, but you have to see it and know it.

CAPRICORN

MONEY: When communicating your ideas/plans to others don’t tell them everything, but at the same time don’t mislead, they don’t need to know all your business.    Writing things down will help to give you clarity and a better perspective of what you can do and how you’re going to do it.   The most important thing to remember, is not to waste time vacillating and procrastinating.

SEX:     People who don’t have you and your partner’s best interests at heart should be kept at arms length.  Trust your instincts, in terms of who these individuals are.  The most important thing to remember is, as long as you and your significant other are on the same page, the negativity of others can do no harm.

POWER:  Capricorn is the “it” sign for the next year.   Jupiter, who bestows its magnifying gaze on all aspects of your life, the good and the bad will make life far from boring for the next 12 months. This will be a cycle when it’s necessary to know, sense and feel, when to act strongly and when to keep  a low profile and say nothing.  This could be the deciding factor between success and failure.    On the positive side the energy will be present to succeed, prosper, overcome, negotiate and start new businesses/projects.   Financial  increase is very likely too.    If there are any old business, disagreements/differences that need to be settled,  receiving just payment is  likely to become a reality..  This will be the year to begin the process.

Overall Capricorns can now create new opportunities and expand on present involvements.

AQUARIUS

MONEY: Make sure you’re upfront and straightforward in all financial dealings and problems.  If you have kept anything hidden that needs to be known now is the time to clear  the air.  At the same time, visions you have to increase finances should be planted with a strong foundation in place.  Avoid implementing too quickly without forethought.   In the end everything will fall into place, especially as you’re next on the list, a year from now, for a long-awaited Jupiter transit in your sign.

SEX:     There will be a need to solidify the foundation of love between you and your partner this week. making sure you’re still both focusing on the same page.  As long as you both appreciate each other and the good things you both bring to the relationship, it will continue to grow and expand.

POWER: The Jupiter cycle is about to rest in your 12th house, of sorrow, self-undoing, karmic debt, the hidden, large institutions, spirituality, dreams, visions, intuition imagination and sensitivity.       If you’re spiritually inclined this will be an empowering , enlightening cycle where dreams can be made tangible and spiritual “helpers” will be available to guide you in the right direction.  Meditation will help to bring everything together and show you a better way of achieving goals, that, previously seemed impossible.     You will also benefit from old and forgotten sources.  Any agreements should be reinforced with written confirmation.   As long as you exercise common sense, practicality and commitment, this will be the year when the impossible can be made possible and remember Karmic debts will be repaid.

PISCES

MONEY: Be extra careful this week that you don’t get caught up in dishonest actions, wrong-doing, deceptive situations and swindling.   You’ll really have to keep your eyes open at all times and not be afraid to ask  pertinent questions about things that don’t seem right, in particular connected to finance/business.  Regardless of what others may say,  have the strength and courage to stand up for what you believe to be right/in harmony with Natural Law.   If your intentions and motives are good, you’ll triumph.

SEX:    You and your partner maybe having some in depth conversations this week about what you both want and how you plan to get there.   If you’re close and have been working hard to build something more permanent, the stars are aligned  If you’re not so close and are considering the same, the stars are aligned.

POWER: The new cycle of Jupiter in Capricorn, which begins on December 2nd, heralds a new cycle of being given the ability to see clearly how you’re going to achieve certain hopes and wishes. The weaknesses and strengths of friends/acquaintances, who may or may not have had your best interests at heart.  Getting rid of restrictions, limitations and obstacles that stand in your way of progress.     In addition you’ll gain the support of people in positions of power and authority, willing to give what’s needed to make things happen.   Long-term goals, career success and recognition will start to take shape and form.    In addition, unexpected surprises from forgotten friends and experiences will help to make this transit memorable.

[gg-astrology]

Hey hey hey, I haven't seen a Taurus sun Taurus moon yet, mind doing one?? thank you for all of your hard work on these, you're amazing 🐢🎉

Hey there!! ❤️❤️❤️ Aaah thank u so much for appreciating them!! ❤️❤️❤️ I haven’t got a request for it yet but I’ll do it now! ❤️

[Below Cut: Taurus Sun - Taurus Moon 🐢]

Sensual beings 

Comfort comes first, comfort comes second, safety comes third

Aaaah go at your own pace, literally the chillest and also slowest person on the uptake dfsjgkjnfkng

‘Wait what happened???’ -- needs to be informed unless you’re directly involved in the Drama yourself (or can’t ignore it/in close proximity to it)

You just mind ur own business y know, this self-care isn’t going to maintain itself 

Smiley and sublime, is there for people and just--- your presence exudes calmness

Unexpectedly dense to your own serenity and your influence on people, again-- self-care is an important priority so this means shutting yourself out (subconsciously) to the ongoings of the world

You may not talk often or a lot, but often your words strikes a chord within people. Your thoughtfulness and carefulness, caring-nature/heaviness shines through. 

Your actual interactions with people may be understated, but a very important hallmark on getting people to see truths, see sense and change their ways

You yourself however, stubbornly ignorant to changing your own ways. Eyes on the ground, you keep going at your own pace, in your own head, doing your own thing.

Thus-- habitual mistakes or ‘letting go/changing’ things comes harder to you. You don’t know how to adapt as ‘fast’ as others, you don’t know (is often confused) how others can change their mind so quickly--- how do their thought-process work? What kind of logic/rationality are they using? What kind of common sense---

Your ‘mind my own business’ attitude can often make you quite naive to the world, innocent to an extent you only push what you know/want others to experience small joys in life

Optimistic but also realistic, you’re honest and sincere. Willing to do things/demonstrate your love for others, but at the same time you need your space and you need people to NOT impose themselves/get nosy in your business y know?

While social interactions/people showing you that they care about you and worry for you is nice and all--- if they start demanding things from you or acting harshly at you-- you absolutely won’t take it.

Build up a wall--- firm solid ‘nos’. Sometimes its hard to get you agitated but if there’s a sure-fire way to do so it would be pestering you too much. Not listening to your answers and just--- not listening to you or respecting your need for privacy in general.

Taurus/Taurus people are direct, straight-to-the-point and also patient in general. You have a hand in delicacy --- both food wise and also your approach to your interests.

If you take a fancy to something you approach it steadily and calmly. Resilience and tenacious, you don’t falter at challenges/difficulties because you expect it to happen. You’re self-assured calmness helps keep you level-headed and steady-hand. You fix and solve things, go and progress until you finally ‘achieve’ what you set yourself out to do.

Practice definitely makes perfect, and with you-- you prefer real-world experience and actual recognition instead of multiple ‘practice’ rounds for something. 

You work on things tirelessly, day in day out with a steady hand and mind. You don’t neglect your health although sometimes it can’t be helped that you do. If you try to remain healthy, then you’ll build up a great fortitude of strength/tenacity to keep it that way.

If you ruin your entire health system (by your own conscious doing) then most likely you’ll continue on the cycle. You work in routine and cycles, so breaking out of something requires you to really evaluate yourself and ‘set your goals’ into putting your determination/working power into being better/healthier for yourself as well. 

Predictability is your best friend, and unwelcome unexpected unpredictability is something you despise and actively makes a disgusted face it. 

Ok maybe not to that extent, but you’re a very sensual and physical person. Sometimes you just hate not being ‘prepared’ for something when you could do better, and the feeling of ‘not giving back’ because you were unprepared always plagues you with certain discomfort/frustration at the circumstances/frustrations at yourself. 

You’re rather unforgiving y know? At yourself more than others. While you may preach self-care/self-love, you’re also very well aware of your own flaws. Your mind remembers things clearly, when you failed at this particular thing so you take precautions not to do it again.

Sometimes you just have a hard time forgiving yourself for simple mistakes as well, embarrassment at a situation plagues you for years to come. Remembering something embarrassing you did 10 years ago still makes you curl up and heat furls within you.

Conscious ignorance-- the strongest denial you impose on yourself is your way of dealing with it. While this is rather hilarious and very-- um, will-full of you (only a Taurus would and could do this to themselves) -- it does serve you to ignore your own emotions. Most obviously the ‘bad’ ones as well.

Taurus-- as a Venus signs, hates anything ‘ugly’ about itself. That includes ugly emotions, such as sadness, anger, envy, jealousy or the likes. You tend to use this ‘forceful denial’ to not even put it in your mind--- willfully ignorant of your own emotions-- until you have to confront it/figure out where the explosion of sadness comes from.

Make sure to self-evaluate sometimes, since you yourself have to be responsible for figuring out your emotions. You have to take care of your emotional needs too-- not just the gratification part of it or your physical/mental well-being. Your spirituality and connective-ness within yourself can be rather lost because of this. 

Look inside and pull it out from within you--- when you’re in the shower or something, start asking yourself if you’ve ever felt this emotion ( ‘have I ever been truly melancholic about something?’ )  -- you yourself have your amazing will-power, so once you realize you’ve never fully had time to ‘express’ emotions wholesomely--- you can delegate a time to experience/do so at your own pace and will.

Taurus/Taurus are by no means superficial people (and you hate superficial people) --- you need nature to live, and also you tend to have tension in your body so try to y know, actually let your feelings/emotions go.

You’re not as anti-social as you think you are, what you’re feeling is emotions skjdfnskn everyone’s allowed to be fed-up and exasperated sometimes. Combined with your hatred for superficiality, you probably think ‘oh maybe I do have a bone to pick with everything’ even when you don’t. Those are just....emotions, learn how to let them be and free them up sometimes. You’ll benefit a lot from that. 

Alrighty ❤️ I hope this is helpful!! ❤️❤️

[islam-for-girls]

Dealing with Toxic People, Islamically ♥

We all have intentions, emotions and sentiments. Mostly we think our intentions are good and right, so we act upon them. Why is it sometimes then, that things go so astray?

Why do we get into fights with people we didn’t mean to offend, sometimes us simply appearing in a room sets someone’s emotions alight, and no matter how hard we try, Grandma will just never stop being grumpy around us? These things are among many other examples (some extremely underrated) which can be seriously hurtful... They can cause us to feel rejected and irrelevant, and when we feel this way much of our energy is spent in self-condolement where we become motionless in trying to fix ourselves.

Although self-care is necessary to pick ourselves up again, depending on our environment, we could be staying in that state for much more time than needed! This is honestly draining, and when it comes down to praising Allah, we end up too tired to do it. This horrible cycle of emotions can render any human frozen and could lead to depression. 

Can we break the cycle? Let’s try!

Here are some psychology, rules and ideas that may apply to you and generally how to fix them. When reading these, be honest with yourself, and select the ones which apply to you in a complimenting or constructive way. It’s ok to be wrong sometimes, especially when we learn from it and improve! When we improve we become better people than before ♥

It’s not you, it’s them.

This isn’t a statement meant to remove responsibility from you, rather it adds a harder and more selfless task, and that is empathy and sympathy.When you know you did not do anything wrong, but someone is rude, aggressive or dismissive towards you, what does that mean? Well, for one it means it is not your fault and cleary this person either has something bothering them that they can’t deal with properly, or has a personality problem. What has that got to do with you though? Nothing, other than that you are in the same environment with them, and it is affecting you.

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this?

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "Part of the perfection of one's Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him." (Tirmidhi)

Anas reported Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) as saying: “Nurse no grudge, nurse no aversion and do not sever ties of kinship and live like fellow-brothers as servants of Allah.” This hadith has been narrated on the authority of Shu'ba with the same chain of transmitters but with this addition:" As Allah has commanded you." (Sahih Muslim)

What does Allah SWT say about this in the Quran?

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then verily! He between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend." Quran (41:34)

When someone is being abrupt, abusive or uncouth, move on and do not dwell on it. What is the psychology behind that? Let’s look at the great behavioral psychologist Skinner and his theory of Operant Conditioning.

According to Skinner people can either aggravate or diminish behavior depending on whether they are rewarded for it or not. Here is the funny part though, rewards are different to everyone. If someone wants to see you upset, they will behave in a way to upset you and if you BECOME upset that means they have achieved their goals! They are rewarded by you becoming upset! People love rewards, it makes them feel better about themselves. When someone likes the feeling of something, chances are they are going to keep attempting at it to achieve the same feeling; ie: they will continue to try and upset you! This behavior is seen in bullying.

So now that you understand the theory behind it, what do you do? EASY! Don’t give them what they are looking for and don’t show them that they are making you upset or sad. They will realise what they are doing is wrong (if they are good enough to see their faults), realise you are a strong person and stop, in shaa Allah ♥

But what if they don’t change and are truly horrible to you regardless of your pure intent and behaviours?

A man came to the Prophet (pbuh) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allah against them so long as you continue doing that." (Muslim)

Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is more than just isolating yourself and dwelling on your hurts and pains, it has to do with actively doing the things which make you happy and feel better about yourself.

What are your favorite things to do, or what have you been putting off which you want to succeed in? When you do things which you wanted to and succeed, you raise dopamine and serotonin levels in your body, causing you to feel happier. If you leave doing thing which make you happy or forsake your goals, your serotonin and dopamine levels drop. If these endorphin levels drop below the ‘safe-zone’,it can cause depression. Depression is very hard to come out and may need medication which has side-effects on your body and emotions.

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this?

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.” (Sahih Al-Albani)

The Prophet (pbuh) used to say: "O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men." (Sahih al-Bukhari)

It’s difficult and it takes alot of strength, but to be better you just have to be better. That means picking yourself up and doing what you want and need to do. The beginning will be hard, but the end will be so rewarding, in shaa Allah ♥

Introspection

This means to think about your own thinking, rather than the thinking of others. It means to look at your objectively, critically and really suss out what your flaws are and if you are the one causing the dismay of people around you.

Is your mom being dismissive of you because you can’t do the small requests she has been asking of you? Do you ignore her when she is doing painstaking work in the house and /or other times and not offer your help? Do you take her for granted?

Think about the times one of your friends or someone you really cared about ignored you, did not offer you their help, did not take a hint or took you for granted? That didn’t feel so great. Think about if you are causing these emotions to other people because of your own issues, rather than theirs.

Perhaps you think doing the dishes is not important at a certain time, or doing some other mundane activity which you think could wait. That is your perception, but maybe not that of your moms (for example), and she will feel as though you don’t care for her (which is another way of saying ‘respect her’), making her want to show you her displeasure hoping you will improve.

It may not be your mom, it might be your friend, husband, siblings, cousins or anyone that is emotionally dependant on you in some way. They are also human at the end of the day.

Introspection (being aware of oneself) is critical to being a good Muslim. We are aware when we are going to do something wrong, or have done something wrong and can adapt ourselves. Adapting and changing ourselves for the better in Islam is called ‘tawba’ or ‘asking forgiveness of Allah’.

What does Allah SWT say about this in the Quran?

“When any evil suggestion from Satan touches those who fear God, they are instantly alerted and become watchful.” Quran (7: 201)

What does the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) say about this in the Hadith?

The Prophet (pbuh) said; “All of the children of Adam make mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are the ones who repent.” (Tirmidhi)

How will we know if we made a mistake if we do not reflect and introspect?

♥♥♥

This is Part One of this write-up on some Islamic Manners ♥ I hope it was useful to you, in shaa Allah ♥

[blackrose-ffxiv]

Penance Party 11/29

Lebeaux Desrosiers nodded solemnly in agreement. “We do all have flaws, yet not all flaws are equal.” He corrected carefully. “Would you consider having too much love for your fellow man truly such a terrible flaw. Would you consider that as equally sinful as, perhaps, spreading falsehoods regarding the city one is sworn to protect and defend. Or as sinful as turning away from the Fury’s grace to accept darkness into one’s soul.”

Gilbert Viscart shakes his head. "Not all sins are equal", he agrees. "Some are not as forgivable as others. I have hunted a noble family for a long time. It accepted corruption into its ranks. Such things cannot be dealt with with compassion. They must be purified."

Lebeaux smiled serenely as he paused to take a long sip of his wine. “And you would beg mercy for one such sinner and refuse to take action against such corruption. Simply because I carry perhaps a touch of the sin of pride.” He was underestimating a bit as well as leaving many off of a very long list, but there was no need to go into that now.

Gilbert shakes his head. "I would not be here if I thought you were irredeemable", he says. "I just don't look up to you. You have a lot to learn. Mayhaps we can pray on some things together. Work for the betterment of each other. As a fraternity of pious men."

Lebeaux chuckled quietly at that. ‘Look up to him’. As though he wanted anyone to look up to him. Fear him, sure. Obey him, definitely. Still. “A fraternity of pious men.” He repeated thoughtfully, tilting his wine glass to swirl its contents lightly. “And how would you recommend we begin such a venture.”

Gilbert frowns. "I"m not sure", he says. "But I am going to do my bit of penance in looking at you as a person. That means I will not sodomise you." He nods solemnly. "We can do wholesome activities together to inspire our faith. Do you like playing kick ball? Mountain climbing? Hiking?"

Lebeaux lifted his glass to his lips to have a sip of wine, snorting at the same moment Gilbert declared his resolve not to stick his manhood in Lebeaux’s rear. He sputtered slightly, grabbing a handkerchief to dab at his mouth. Ensuring that none of the rich red wine would drip down onto his pristine white clothes. “Fury have mercy, Gilbert.” He sighed as he continued dabbing lightly just to be extra sure. “As though you would be the one sodomizing me!” He declared in mild indignation. “Generally it is for the best not to let someone know that the first thought you have when looking at them is how they would feel impaled on your lance. And mercy, no. Pointless activities that only result in fatigue and sweat-stained clothes.”

Gilbert frowns. "Pointless? That's where you're wrong. The Fury herself travelled the world looking for new creatures to kill. In Her icy halls we will be expected to drink and feast and do battle. How can you do any of those things if you are not willing to follow her example and get in shame?" He tried to poke Lebeaux' sides. "Granted, you're not as tubby as Father Gabineaux, but still."

Lebeaux smiled and batted the poking fingers away. Taking another deep sip of the wine. What a surprise, he was due for another refill. He poured a considerable amount into his glass then tipped the last few sips into Gilbert’s. “I’ve no need for children’s games and wasting time in the mountains. If you’re so determined why don’t you set up a youth grou-.” Actually, the way the Knight casually tossed around a laundry list of his sins, most seemed to be sex-related. “Nevermind that."

Gilbert gives Lebeaux a chastising look. "Do you think the Fury played children's games when she wandered the world?"

Lebeaux shook his head firmly. “No. I do not.”

"Then why would we be too good for it? Healthy body, healthy soul." He points at his heart. "We can alternate activities. I suggest something I think is fun and wholesome, then you can suggest something you think is fun and wholesome. That way we can both become better men. Drag ourselves up by our bootstraps. What do you say, bro?" He tries to punch Lebeaux against the shoulder in a friendly manner. But still hard enough to leave a light bruise.

Lebeaux tilted slightly as the punch landed on his shoulder, wincing and pressing his hand to the spot. He inhaled slowly, deeply. Filling up his lungs fully. Then he exhaled slowly and set his wine glass down. Without a word of warning he brought his hand around to strike Gilbert firmly on the cheek. “You forget yourself Ser Viscart.” He practically shouted as he rose to his feet to pull himself up to his full height. “Now I have had a very trying day between having an attempt made on my life and an arson burning down my office. And the last thing I need is you trying to drag me to play ‘kickball’ or go ‘hiking’. What I need is to drink another bottle of wine. Smoke enough somnus I can no longer see straight then find whatever long-tailed fur-eared idiot I can lure with gil to my bed and thoroughly enjoy the sodomy that you cannot. I shall have him for a second round in your honor.” He mocked as he lifted his wineglass in a mock-toast. “Good day Gilbert.”

Gilbert seemed not to respond initially to the strike against his cheek. It had hurt, but he'd seen it as an intent to insult. As the other spoke he slowly opened his eyes again, getting to his feet. He approached the other man with a huff. "You're giving in to sin! Letting your soul rot when it should blossom!" He tried to grip the others' wrists, having no intention to leave the other be. Even if he had to spill some wine. "Listen to me! You are better than this!"

Lebeaux furrowed his brows as his wrists were grabbed, the wineglass first sloshing over the edges of the glass before the glass itself fell from his fingers to shatter on the ground. He yanked at the hands holding him. “I will confess and tithe on the morrow.” He declared, grunting slightly as he tried again to free his wrists. “I will repent and I will mean it. You can ask me then about your ridiculous games and ‘wholesome’ activities. But tonight I will indulge!”

Gilbert held on to Lebeaux' wrists. His grip was stronger than the size difference might imply. The Knight was well-trained, after all. Even so, he had to crane his head back. "Then indulge in the beauty of our faith! Indulge in prayer and psalm! I shall wake with you and make sure that you spend the night on your knees!" Pause. "In prayer!" he added somewhat shrilly. "Do you not feel Her love when you pray? Is that not better than wine and cat boys?"

Lebeaux paled considerably at the thought of it. A night praying and having to put up with Gilbert’s renewed and revived faith. “… No!” He finally declared firmly. “It is not better. I feel her love even when I indulge in such excess for she knows I will always return to her bosom!” He declared as he tried again to yank his hands free. Before a thought came to him. “Come with me.” He suggested. “We’ll drink and smoke and find some handsome cat-man to share. There is plenty to be done without your sodomizing them.”

Gilbert  thinks on this. His grip loosens some. ".... better not to leave her bosom in the first place!" he said. He was tempted though. Oh boy was he tempted. "I'm doing penance." He looks up, finally letting go, even after resisting that last yank, just to show the highborn that he could. "I will come and drink with you after I've finished doing penance. If that is how you chose to fill in our wholesome bonding activity. But we will not drink foreign drinks. Only domestic brew! And no cat boys!" Gilbert doesn't like catboys as much because racism, anyway.

Lebeaux exhaled a sigh of relief when Gilbert finally relented both his grip and his determination to ruin Lebeaux’s night. “As you like. The offer will stand, you may choose to make good on it whenever you desire.” He offered, smirking slightly at the Knight set a few rules for what the night of not-so-wholesome bonding could include. “Very well. Ishgardian drinks and perhaps an elezen or hyur.” He suggested, rubbing his own wrists wipe away the other’s touch. “Duskwights are quite enjoyable as well, even if they don’t have tails for pulling.”

Gilbert wasn't going to protest then. ".... and conversation!" Gilbert added. Mostly kidding himself. Cheeks flushing slightly. "Mayhaps we can teach that person the Word of the Fury and through those teachings find it ourselves as well." He smiles. "And I will get to pick an activity as well", he says, poking the other in the chest. "So! Who goes first!" Now that this social encounter had been ham-fistedly poured into a competitive format, somehow, there had to be rules, of course.

“Yes, of course. Very good.” Lebeaux agreed, reaching out to gently begin nudging Gilbert towards the door. “How about we do my activity first. You seem rather enamored by the idea of it. And it will give you more time to think up an activity of your own. Though you do see how I have made some accommodations to consider your preferences. I will expect you to do the same.” He explained calmly, having almost finished putting back together the pieces of his briefly shattered composure. “Then I shall be seeing you as soon as you are finished with your penance, since you seem to think this will interfere.”

Gilbert nods. "Of course", Gilbert remarks. "We can go on pilgrimage together. It'll be great." He allowed himself to be nudged towards the door. "Don't worry, I'll make sure you can keep up. You're not against self-flagellation are you? I mean I have a hair shirt you could borrow but that's -" by that time the Elezen had pushed him towards the door. "Oh!"

@gilbert-ffxiv​

[marinsawakening]

You know who would’ve been way better suited for the ‘waiting for soldiers to come home’ storyline than Winry? Izumi.

Hear me out.

I goddamn love Izumi’s involvement during the Promised Day, but strategically speaking, it’s really fucking stupid not to have even a single human sacrifice flee the country. I know Arakawa tried to explain it away because something something human nature, but honestly, it’s just a bad strategy. Any logically thinking person would’ve come to the conclusion that at least one human sacrifice needed to get the fuck out of the country. If anyone (probably Mustang, let’s face it) had actually come to that conclusion, Izumi is obviously the one who would’ve been at the top of the list; after all, Izumi is the only human sacrifice with health issues severe enough that it limits her fighting abilities (although she’s obviously still terrifying).

Now, I’m not saying that she’d go quietly. She’d obviously fucking LOATHE the idea. But she’s not unreasonable, and honestly? I think that it would’ve made for some great character development if she did, eventually, decide to leave.

I’ve praised Arakawa before for keeping her disabled characters in the heat of the action, and I stand by that, but I also want to point out that, in many ways, ableism is a double sided sword. On the one hand, we have people who continuously believe that we’re incapable of doing anything at all. On the other hand, we have people who expect us to be able to do everything abled people can do without help, and who refuse us accommodations when we need them.

I have the feeling Arakawa would be the second.

While I think Arakawa’s disability rep is a very mixed bag, I think she mostly does great with keeping her disabled characters actively involved in the story and giving them agency. But, at the same time, I can’t help but feel like there’s a glaring flaw in her rep when every single disabled character pretty much refuses to acknowledge their own limits, pushing themselves far beyond them (Lan Fan), or somehow getting healed so that they don’t really matter (Izumi, who, after Hohenheim rearranges her organs, isn’t shown to have any physical issues whatsoever). The only character who arguably ends up accepting and working within their own limitations is Havoc, whom we see precious little off after he gets disabled. 

I think FMA would’ve benefited from at least one prominent disabled character who, in the end, accepted their disability, and tried to work within the limitations it set, instead of constantly being forced beyond them. Izumi would’ve been a prime candidate for that, because she starts the story off by being introduced as an absolute badass who, despite her title of ‘housewife’, has no desire whatsoever to sit the action out. 

I think it would’ve been a much more interesting arc for Izumi if she hadn’t ended up being magically healed by Hohenheim (functionally, at least), and if she had, as her health kept deteriorating, ultimately ended up completely incapable of fighting in a large-scale fight like the Promised Day, and if she would’ve been forced to accept that. Izumi never really accepted the limitations that her health forced on her, and I think it would’ve been a major step forward for her if she actually had done so, and if the narrative hadn’t treated this as a loss, but as a victory. 

Admitting to yourself that you simply can’t do all the things you used to be able to is hard, but its a tough lesson that chronically/terminally ill people needs to learn, and I think a narrative that would’ve celebrated the acknowledgement of your own limitations as a personal victory, if a bittersweet one, would’ve been extremely powerful. Izumi’s existing character arc is already primarily about forgiving yourself for past mistakes, and I think that forgiving yourself for not being who you used to be would be a really neat fit. 

While I’m not sure whether it would’ve necessarily been better than how she was portrayed in canon, progressing Izumi’s character from someone who is actively involved in the action to someone who cannot be involved in it anymore and needs to come to terms with that would’ve been a logical and fitting development, that I think could’ve been very powerful in its own way.

[pansexual-potatoes]

Letter I’m never sending

Dad-

 I’m never going to send this.  You’ll never see it because there is no way I’m willing to hurt you with this much truth.  There’s nothing productive about how I feel, nothing positive to be gained from reaching out and tearing you apart with it.  That being said, holding it in isn’t healthy either because regardless of right or wrong, this is how I feel.  I’m not going to let it fester inside me when I can just type what I need to and hopefully let it go.  If not, then at least maybe start my own healing.

You didn’t deserve me. You didn’t deserve my forgiveness, my good nature, my good heart, my time or my love.  In retrospect, I can see that it was entirely wasted on you. You didn’t appreciate it, value it or understand that you hadn’t earned any of those things.  I choose to give you forgiveness because that’s who I am. It was hard because you allowed so many awful, terrible things to happen to me just because I wasn’t convenient for your life.  It was selfish and I’ll never understand how you could know your daughter was being horrifically abused and not do anything about it.  I have regular nightmares because of things that you allowed to happen and it fundamentally changed me as a person because of it.  I have extreme anxiety that I live with and need medication for because you failed as a parent to protect me.  I have lifelong depression that’s not likely ever going to go away.  My trust issues are so deeply ingrained that I don’t know how to fully trust anyone and prevents me from making and keeping friends.  The depth and scope of the damage caused by your lack of giving a single fuck about me should’ve been unforgivable.  But, I gave it to you anyway.

By nature, I’m a good person.  I want to see people do well because I know exactly what it feels like to not have anyone believe in you.  When I saw the issues, I tried to kindly educate you instead of just silently judging. When there became clear problems, I tried working with you to fix them.  None of that was because you deserved it.  You didn’t.  It was because despite the anxiety, depression, trust issues, and everything else, I care.  I care way too much about people who don’t care about me and that reality has never been more clear to me than it is right now.  While I may be a good natured person, you are not.

My naivety allowed me to think you had a good heart.  In the 11 ½ years we’ve been talking for I actively ignored red flags because I desperately wanted to believe you had changed from the person who allowed me to go through hell alone.  I was wrong. I tried to cover it up even to myself because the hurt it caused was overwhelming to think about.  How can someone who openly allows their daughter to go through what I went through have a good heart?  They can’t.  You can’t. The fact that you justified it tells me that deep down, at one point anyway, you knew that what you were doing wasn’t okay but you did it anyway and just lied to yourself until you believed it. Your heart is crooked and I should have seen it much sooner than I did.  

I spent 11 ½ years coming to this.  So much time was wasted on you.  What I can’t figure out is why I was never worth the time for you?  It doesn’t matter now.  The fact is, you never deserved my time.  The ridiculous amount of time I have spent in those 11 ½ years of being the best daughter I could possibly be is obnoxious.  I spent almost a year away from my husband to help you so you could continue to work while Julie recovered from two massive surgeries. I spent 21 days straight in a hospital ICU with her so she wouldn’t be alone.  I did that for you so you could go to work and you guys wouldn’t lose everything you have.  I overextended myself countless times to just help you because you don’t have your shit together and aren’t grown up enough yet to figure it out.  I’m done spending time on a relationship that is so one sided. I deserve better.  You and Julie deserve each other.

I did all of this because I loved you.  It was clearly misplaced.  Kind of like me, I guess.  I don’t belong in your life, that’s clear, so I’m going to put myself where I do belong: with my friends, family and people who genuinely care about me as a person.  At the end of the day, whether you realize it or not, I’m not disposable or replaceable. You will never have a daughter as good as I was to you because you will never have a daughter who can forgive like I do.  I am now, and always have been, worthy of love.  You don’t change that.  I can see my flaws, I can see myself honestly and I know that I deserved to have a father who gave a fuck.  That’s not reality and sometimes you love people who just really don’t deserve it. You were one of them.  

I’ll be fine.  I’m conditioned against rejection and while it doesn’t feel good, one thing I never gave you was the power to destroy who I am as a person.  That is one thing I thankfully always realized you didn’t deserve.  It’s time for me to move on with my life, and leave you in my past where you belong.  I honestly hope lifes good to you and that you never get the opportunity to hurt someone as much as you’ve hurt me.

Best of Luck,

Nicole

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

[cpdevos]

10/26/20 Time to Meditate

Hey everyone!

Hope you are all doing well and hanging tight during quarantine. This devo will be a time for you to meditate and reflect on God's Word.

Pray to begin! If you feel anxious/stressed, give them up to God and put any distractions aside. Ask God to speak to you today.

Proverbs 3:3-10

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 

4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 

5Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. 

8 This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. 

9 Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; 

10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine.

Take time to reflect on these words. Read and reread. Let each word carry weight and importance. What stands out to you? What is God trying to say to you?

Some questions that may help guide your thoughts. If it helps, type up your answers or jot them down in a notebook.

How do you display love and faithfulness?

When was the last time you trusted in the Lord? When was the last time you trusted in yourself rather than God?

What are areas you may need to submit to God?

What sins in your life do you need to shun and extract out of your life?

What steps can you take to honor and fear the Lord?

Once you’re done with this, you can end in prayer and stop here! If you’ve skimmed over it, I encourage you to go back and take your time with it! Everything after this is optional so don’t feel like you have to get through all of this devo. It is your personal time with God. I wanted it to be less focused on you just trying to read what I have to say.

If you have time and want to read on, here’s a short testimony of where I’m at and how God is speaking to me, especially through these verses.

If you don’t know me, I’m 21 years old, a senior in college, and soon enough, I'm going to step foot into the “real world” of uncertainties. I’m scared! I had an internship over this past summer and when that ended, they offered me a full-time position for after I graduate. Mom and dad, I DID IT. Each year starting from beginning of high school till now, persevering through the Computer Science track, having multiple summer internships, all my hard work and time spent is paying off. Security!! Future set!!

So this deadline to accept the offer was approaching (they only gave me a month) and I figured it wouldn’t be a tough decision. This is what I had been preparing my life for: Computer Science. But the closer it got to the deadline, the more unsure I was with where God is leading me. I kept waiting and waiting, hoping to hear from God, hoping for some guidance because I wasn’t sure whether I was ready to commit and click one button that would affect the next three years of my life (it was a three-year offer).

I had a lot of doubts all centered around one thing: I know my purpose in life is to glorify God. How can I glorify God in Computer Science? It's something I can do, but is not something I’m passionate about. I don’t want to choose it just for financial stability and security. What if God has better in plan for me? What if I can do what I think I'm actually passionate about, which is making an impact on people’s personal lives or reaching out to people who are hungry for God? But what would that even look like? I guess that means I want to glorify God in a more direct way where I can see fruit from my work. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t find ways to glorify God in a less direct way such as through working with coworkers in the tech field or honoring God with my wealth. So, I was at a loss with what to decide. I didn’t want to make a wrong decision.

I like this analogy that my campus ministry pastor shared with me when I explained to him my struggle: "A boat that is not moving is a lot harder to turn than a boat that is currently in motion. You can’t turn the boat while the boat is still. But if the boat is moving, the rudder will make it easier to steer and guide where to go."

I had put so much pressure into trying to figure out my life with this one decision. I thought I wouldn't make God happy if I made a wrong decision. But why was I trying to turn the boat and shift my life while I was at a standstill? Why couldn't I trust that if God has somewhere in mind for me, whether that be Computer Science or something completely different, he will gradually pave the way for me? I was really just trying to worry myself. Although it isn’t bad to think thoroughly before making big decisions, it isn’t good when it overcomes your thoughts and when you lose trust in God. I ended up accepting the offer! I’m putting my trust in God that He has been preparing me and He will continue to steer me in the right direction. A burden feels lifted off my shoulders and I'm comforted knowing that God is the one leading me.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” God, I trust that you are in control, that You know what You are doing, and that you’ve paved my life to this point for a reason. God, forgive me. I’m sorry for trying to lean on my own understanding of how my life should go. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on myself when I should have been trusting in You. I surrender it all to You. Even when my decisions are mine to make, I trust that wherever I am, You are the rudder that is steering me on a straight path in the direction You want me to be. Along this path, God I pray for love and faithfulness to abide in my heart. I pray I can learn to love with Your love those You place in my life. I pray I remain faithful to You no matter how difficult the work to glorify You may be, whether or not I see fruit from my works. God, thank you for Your many blessings that I can have comfort, security, and stability. Help me to honor You by giving what You have given me to others. Remind me that the way I treat others resembles the way I treat You.

God, I pray for the person reading this devotional. You know this person deeply. You love him/her unconditionally and want to show Yourself more and more. Whatever worries, anxieties, or distractions there are, remind him/her what it looks like to trust in You. Give him/her clarity, a sense of peace, and purpose. Allow this person to walk on the straight path that leads to life. Remain faithful, as You always are. We love You.

Here are my answers to some of the questions.

I’d like to believe I have love and faithfulness. But those words are heavy for me and seem difficult to attain. It's something I strive for, but not with enough intentions. And my love for others is flawed and biased. I forget that my neighbor refers to everyone and that everyone is made in the image of God. As for faithfulness, I know I fall short in many ways. I choose more time on my phone rather than with God. My prayer life is very inconsistent. When I worry, God continues to reveal areas that I have so little trust in God. But, I think it’s ok that I’m flawed in love and faithfulness. God is love and has always been faithful to me. The more I focus on God and know His character, the more love and faithfulness will naturally flow out from me.

I need to submit my thoughts to God. My thoughts get distracted easily, overcome by emotions, filled with the sin of selfishness and favoritism. I need God to sanctify me from the inside out. My thoughts are so hard to control, so I know I need to fully submit them to God for God to work in me.

Understanding and putting to practice fearing the Lord has always been difficult for me. But reading Proverbs is giving me more insight. Fearing the Lord is a lot about actively searching for wisdom and understanding. It is a humbling approach towards knowing yourself and your weaknesses and also knowing who God is as the almighty, infinite God. One step I can take is trying to be more aware of my heart. Do I desire the right things? Am I seeking to please people rather than God? Do I fear man more than I fear God? I need to remain constant in seeking God’s Word to get a better understanding of who God is.

I’d love to hear your answers to any of the questions as well! Or you’re welcome to share what you got from the passage or thoughts from my testimony!

Kristen