#sometimes being incredibly self-aware leads to INCREDIBLY bad self-esteem

[syekick-powers]

every time a medical professional of some sort tells me i have a high degree of self-awareness, it makes me have an external reaction of "thank you i try" and an internal reaction of "honestly i think having as high a level of self-awareness as i do is at least a quarter of why i'm so miserable. :')"

[tyrannuspitch]

i understand that not everyone knows this, but i would really like the loki fandom to be a little more aware that psychiatry is institutionally biased against people with npd, and this bias is particularly magnified in social media and pop psych for sensationalist, commercial reasons. even the npd diagnostic criteria are Not Great (especially the short version - there is an expanded version!), and even if they were perfect, the understanding of the disorder you get just by reading a checklist is not a whole, rounded picture.

npd is (at least very, very often) a trauma disorder. people with npd having very low self-worth and self-destructive tendencies is incredibly common. npd is not "abuser disorder" or "evil disorder", it's just another mental illness, and honestly, any disorder can be framed in a demonising way if you try. (depressed people are scary because they're obsessed with death! adhd people are scary because they have no control of their emotions or impulses! etc.) i have yet to see a "debunking" of loki being "a narcissist" that gets past this popular, biased surface level.

here and here are two posts explaining how stigma can distort common descriptions of npd symptoms, and here is an unofficial suggested revision of the npd diagnostic criteria written by someone with the disorder to focus on the patient's experiences, and not on how others view them.

loki cannot "too good" to have npd, because having npd does not make you a bad person. reading loki as having npd is not inherently demonising or victim-blaming. and if a specific person's npd loki reading really is doing that, then the fundamental problem is not that they're biased against loki, a fictional character - it's that they're biased against a very vulnerable, stigmatised and real group of mentally ill people.

now that we've dealt with all that - DOES loki have npd?

personally, i go back and forth on whether i think he fully qualifies for the disorder, but as i interpret him, he absolutely does show many traits of npd, such as the following:

perfectionism and fluctuating, fragile self-esteem. he has to be best, because if he isn't the best that would mean he's the absolute worst, worthless, monstrous, unlovable, etc. even when he is succeeding in his goals then maybe he's somehow the best and the worst at once, and almost anything could bring him crashing down again.

constant comparison of himself to others, leading to insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, paranoia...

basing his feelings of safety/security on his connections to people he sees as powerful and/or admirable, and basing his self-esteem on their approval, to the point where he becomes dependent or defines himself by them.

desperately, sometimes destructively, acting out for attention - whether showing off (begging for approval) or picking fights (demanding it.)

experiencing loneliness, shame and guilt easily and extremely intensely, making him hypersensitive to criticism and the possibility of rejection or abandonment - which can provoke a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response.

defensive/paranoid distortion in his analysis of others' feelings - focusing intently on what they think of him (do you love me, hate me, want to hurt me?) while less aware of their own feelings (eg, he can be fairly insensitive to thor's own capacity to be hurt). (in loki, as in many real people, this seems to have originated as a defence mechanism against being manipulated, and from having to walk on eggshells in a toxic family where *everyone* has more social power than him.)

a deep-rooted fear of being manipulated or controlled, which leads to a very strong need to feel in control of himself.

a deep-rooted fear of emotional vulnerability which makes him very reluctant to express his emotions, and when he does, it's often either a calculated tactical decision (so he can tell himself he's still in control), or the result of an emotional breakdown because he just can't keep up the mask any longer.

a paranoid view of the world in which everyone always wants to control him, and controlling power imbalances are an inherent feature of all relationships ("freedom is life's great lie"...), leading him to try to "defensively" manipulate and control others. (this is the ugliest symptom on this list, but it's also arguably the least textbook npd - something this literal and pronounced might be better characterised as ptsd's "distorted understanding of own trauma"/"change of fundamental beliefs" symptoms.)

obviously everyone has a right to their own reading and headcanon, and of course you can reject any reading at all based on simply Not Vibing with it. this isn't the Mandatory NPD Loki post, just me trying to encourage you to consider the possibility. there's a lot here! it's a very plausible reading!

(and honestly, why stop there? you might also note that thor, who grew up in the same toxic household, display a fair number of these symptoms too...)

[this post is meant to be informative and to give people a little insight into an alternative perspective on npd to the dominant pop psych one. i'm happy to answer questions, but if you want to "debate" me or approach this as "discourse", please don't.]

[mega-punani]

Hey could you tell me more about the skeleton pirate crew? I love writing stories and need like a base to go off of but I really wanna write them some fan fiction! Ofc I don’t have to it’s not my au. I just love writing

IM BACK!!! (and I have a buncha asks I have neglected)

Also, I don't mind when people draw/write for this au. Feel free! Just tag me or send the story pls!

Strength vs Weaknesses

Sans: He's a good leader who prioritizes his crew above all else. He's loyal and stays level-headed in most situations. He always has a plan and is good at adapting to situations. He’s humble and never under estimates an opponent leading him to make the best possible choices. 

Although... he's not morally the best person. He's selfish, and he's aware of this fact, and honestly, he could care less about strangers. Papyrus has become his moral compass. He also refuses to lean on others and receive help. MANS WILL NEVA TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS-

Papyrus: Papyrus is extremely charismatic and gets along with almost everyone! He will always help those in need and do his best to see the light in even the worst people. He is very mature and is accepting of life and what hurdles it throws at him. Also, mans got ultimate rizz. You and yo mama gonna like this man. 

He's too trusting for his own good and has very little self-preservation. He has low self-esteem, although he hides it quite well under a layer of confidence. He also takes actions that he thinks will be best for people even if others may think otherwise, sometimes leading to his own downfall. (Cough cough, og genocide run, cough cough)

Blue: Is great at using his head in pressuring situations and makes the most creative choices. He's energetic and always is up and at em, from early morning to late in the afternoon. He's also preservers and goes up and beyond, you will never see this man give up for what he believes in and cares for. 

But he can also be quite persistent unless you set solid boundaries. He's a little bad at picking up hints and cues and can't read the room for shit. He can be impulsive at times that may lead to future problems...

Stretch: Stretch is always ready to relax and bring down the energy. He's multi-talented and passionate about many things! He is willing to protect people he cherishes with his life, and is loyal to the tea. It makes him great company and an amazing friend.

That is, if you become his friend. Stretch isn't an open person and won't talk to just anyone. He keeps a lot of his feelings bottled up and just blows up at some point. He thinks the worst of people automatically, and has a hard time trusting. If you do something 

Red: Strong and reliable; good old Red will never lead you astray! He's rather smart (being the mechanic of the crew), and that makes him a bit cunning as well. He's very in tune with his emotions and doesn't rage as much as people assume he did.

Although Red is good at keeping his emotions in check, he's a bit of an unfiltered asshole. He will say everything that's on his mind and causes a bit of trouble for the crew sometimes. On top of that, he has a huge ego. It's definitely not a complex, but his confidence is unwelcomed by strangers. Also, flirts kinda raunchy so most ladies are not into him. Man got no rizz.

Edge: Edge is responsible and will make sure the ship is running smoothly. Well, as smoothly as he can with such a chaotic bunch. He's kind of the face of negotiations, being able to be stern yet civil. He has many skills and is very mature about many situations making him an amazing team player. He’s kind to those who need it and is always seeking a fair and moral judgement. 

Emotionally constipated. He literally has not cried since he was 10, what do you expect him to do? If you ask him for mental support, he will SUCK ASS. He is also incredibly stubborn. If he thinks it is better to do something a certain way, we are doing it that certain way. No buts and whys. 

Razz: Razz is the best at what he does. He’s efficient, quick, and works tirelessly at his one true passion: navigation. Although he’s rough around the edges, he is honestly very emotionally understanding. He’s a great person to vent to and cry to when you need to just unwind and let go. He has a very good moral compass and you can count on him to do the right thing. 

Ego so big it got two different time zones. Razz is one of the best navigators in the world and he knows it. He likes flaunting it, and not in a “slay girl” way, in a “pls shut the fuck up” way. Since he works so hard, he forgets to eat a lot of times. He also forgets to sleep, shower, stretch, relax, talk to people. Overall, he will store himself in his room for who knows how long, and you will have to drag him out kicking and screaming. 

Cash: It’s hard to compliment someone who steals 24/7 but he has some perks! Cash is very observant and can make very astute observations when it comes to relationships and fights. He can pinpoint enemy week points in a flash along with being able to grab intel from towns folks. He’s a hella good actor (liar) and can put on almost any façade for any situation.

Where do we start. He steals constantly, of course, he doesn't steal from the poor and needy, of course. But If someone is walking just a bit too happy, he just has an itch, and then BAM. Gone. He’s also a pathological liar, and always gets caught by Sans. He feels remorse and regret for things he does wrong but often shoves it down in order to keep moving. His habits are not healthy, and he knows more than anyone. 

Bear: Bear seems mellow and stupid at times but I can assure you, he’s pretty god damn smart. Bear knows a little of everything, and can probably run the ship by himself in emergency situations. Bear is very sensitive to people’s needs and will make sure any friend and ally gets a good meal. Although he is quiet most of the time he will say encouraging words once in a while. 

My baby has no flaws... Jk. Bear is a lot like sans in a way that he does not care for strangers. If you are a innocent civilian, he isn’t to keen on saving you or looking out for your safety. He doesn’t have to, so why should he, kinda thing. He is super afraid of his strength and is crippled with fear at the idea of accidently breaking something... or someone. He is bad at making friends or talking to new people. He’s an awkward lad.

Cinnamon: Wholesome sweet boy. He's kind, a trait that was hard to keep due to his traumatic childhood. He's giving, even if it may be through self-sacrifice, and always puts others before himself. (Of course with moderation). He's goofy and sweet, making him an amazing friend and partner. Mans is respectful as a mtfk and will make sure that everyone feels validated. Honestly, Cinnamon is a very nice balance of all his cousins.

He's kind of dum socially? He is unaware when someone sends him subtle hints and cues. And since he can't really read body language (cause aura doesn't show that much) he can't really tell if people like or dislike him. He's very insecure about his teeth and fails to hide his discomfort when someone mentions it.

[gugf]

Roy headcanons at last! No funny this time, only edge. Because HE'S SAD.

- actually, really responsible and effective. the sole provider of food, electricity and other goods because dream/dollhouse logic

- i imagine him being not especially tall, but very slender, nearly distrophic, cause I doubt he eats well while he is literally living in the walls. that's why he always hungry

- only emotions he expresses are anger and sadness

- well aware of his reputation

- probably has an incomprehensible level of trauma

- as a parent he's good only in keeping the child alive, emotional support and communication it's not to him. he can't? he doesn't think he needs to? probably a mix of both. not like he doesn't care, but he's really bad at letting his son know that.

- neurodivergent. he must be. probably somewhere on the spectrum like every other character in this show (let's face it)

- with that in mind i like to think that he stims through breathing

- no pride, no self-esteem. an apple from the tree, after all (landed in the exact same spot)

- occasionally steals meat and eggs. of course he eats them raw. of course with shells, why are you asking?

- might be also eating himself, like drinking his own blood, or consuming his own flash. he is a cannibal, after all? and if i feel especially edgy, i can say that his fingers are cut to the bone, and in fact the whole body is covered in some sorts of scars. he doesn't really take care of himself at all. even his wounds are completely opened, at most, he will lick if decides to drink blood. i mean, he might get his ankle scratched through and he won't even notice, and will go where he was going

- has a mannequin in his basement to practice parenting skills. its not really working. the most he does it's throw it some food, or something interesting. sometimes he hugs it

- i don't think he can talk "normally" (at least not for a long period of time and still making sense). most if the time he communicates through very vague body language

- and by really vague body language i mean that  quite often it can come off as rude, even if he is trying to do something good. like, i think he can definitely grab by hair or squeeze one's hand so hard that it almost turns out. he killed this whole family alone, don't forget

- but he can also be incredibly malleable. like so much, that you can just grab and push him out without any difficulty, as red did in transport. most likely it depends on the severity of the situation. i even think that if you take him by the hand and try to lead him somewhere, he will just fall, and you will have to drag him along the ground (asshole)

- his voice can sound either like the one from silly sad duck, or like hagane miku depending on a situation

- i don't think that he ever was in control. a little bit of it he could have is completely gone in a tv show. i mean, if he is important, than why does he appear in the void?

- I think he was originally supposed to be a teacher-like being, but something had gone very wrong

- bites

- stinks

- sleeps on a piece of cardboard

[queer-whatchamacallit]

Hotch headcanons except it’s probably going to mostly be regarding the tism

Hotch was diagnosed a lot later in life

He saw in Spencer’s file that he’s autistic, so he gave him the accommodations he needed but didn’t really think anything of it

By the time they’d worked together for a year or two, Hotch became very aware that Spencer was incredibly similar to the way Hotch was when he was Spencer’s age

Again, time passed and he didn’t think these two things were connected

That is until the team deals with a bomber, Hotch is a little too close to the blast of the unsub’s last hoorah, and he ends up in the hospital

Hotch wakes up and Spencer is in the room with him at the time

He quickly discovered that his injuries make it painful to walk, but pacing is way he reduces stress/ holds off meltdowns he doesn’t know are meltdowns

And so, Hotch has a meltdown but Spencer helps him through it

Later that day, when Hotch has had plenty of time to calm down, Spencer asked Hotch about considering if he was also autistic

That lead to the slow journey of Hotch discovering his being autistic and trying to be more comfortable in showing autistic traits as well as getting a diagnosis

It isn’t exactly a new concept that Hotch masks 24/7, even when he’s completely alone

All of his suits are from the same brands, and with the bit of extra weight of suit jacket, they’re super comfortable and familiar to him

Loosening his tie actually tends to make him more uncomfortable and uptight because how he expects his suit to feel is just slightly different

He likes to cook sometimes, but he’s absolutely atrocious at it

Even if he has a recipe, something often miraculously happens to go wrong

By the time he cooks whatever it was with Penelope, he’s definitely better, but that was right around the limit of his abilities to not mess it up

Penelope is also autistic, and he loves being in the same space as her

Outside of work-related things, his self esteem is a little lacking

A combination of an abusive father and undiagnosed autism definitely played a part in this

Penelope is one of the few people he feels like he can keep a fun conversation going with

Since he met Haley, he’s never not been amazed by how beautiful she is

Before Hotch became unit chief and got too sucked into his work, he’d call Haley when he woke up and when he got back to his hotel room

These were often very short because of the time difference, and some of Hotch’s fondest memories are talking to Haley for a minute or two each morning while she’s probably so close to just falling back asleep that she likely wouldn’t remember them

They were the sappiest couple you could possibly imagine

He joined the bau at 27 and was instantly dubbed the “silent killer” by Rossi because he was a pretty quiet person with horrifyingly good aim

In Ldsk, he showed off his shooting a little, but he would have been able to the same thing before he even joined the Seattle field office

He went hunting with his father a lot as a kid, and he just always had a knack for it

Jack is autistic and Hotch tries to do everything in his power to raise him how he wished he’d been raised, with support

Hotch tends to be more sensory seeking except for textures

Suede and corduroy are his least favorite of those he would predictably encounter again

He took a pottery class as a high school freshman, but dropped it after a week because the feeling of clay almost made him gag when he first touched it

His interoception is not good whatsoever

He lost a lot of weight in college because he didn’t realize that meal routines were very helpful to him, and he’d just forget to eat something for a day or two

When he was 24, there was about an hour until a trial was going to start and he passed out from dehydration

He’s really bad at telling when an injury is serious because of his sense of pain being out of whack, but he’d still keep going even if he did feel it correctly

Hotch is actually someone who feels more than he can handle about things, but it doesn’t really show outwardly

He loves hugs, and he’s very grateful that most of the team is his size so they can give hugs that have a good amount of strength in them

The only problem is that never in his life would Hotch have the courage to ask someone for a hug

Penelope often asks to hug him because she can just sense those types of things

He’s allergic to cats but he’s fully considering getting a sphinx cat

And also he has a strawberry allergy because I’ve seen it before and it just feels right

You could infer from both the show and what I said earlier, but Hotch hates hospital even if he does like the hospital smell

And that is my long list of things I’d like to believe are true about my guy

Edit: thank you so much for 100 notes guys!!

[shotorozu]

relationship realizations

— ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦ 3k followers milestone

character(s) : multiple characters (bnha)

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns used, quirk not mentioned

note(s) : happy 3k ‼️ thank you all for all the love, and most especially those that continue to send love, and indulge in my works. further context, this is what the bnha boys/men learned by being with you :))

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midoriya izuku

↮ that his opinion does matter. okay— it’s not like you handed his confidence to him, no that’s different. but, you are a main contributor to the sudden increase of confidence in himself. before, he was just so used to be brushed aside, other people being told to ignore him whenever he does this, and for his rambles to be ignored like white noise— but after you showed up and spent some time with him, he realizes that it’s not the end of the world if he does ramble, and it’s not the end of the world to not be confident about your opinions 100% of the time, but what does matter is that his opinion was heard. which ultimately lead to him being more confident in expressing his own opinions, not caring if it’s apart of the vase majority, or the minority. he’ll forever love you for this.

todoroki shouto

↮ that taking your time isn’t abnormal. shouto, being someone that had little to no set example of what romance is, and being exposed to romance comedies, and tv shows— made him realize something. that people were already kissing on the first date, and he felt well,, under developed because of it. he was never the biggest fan of physical touch, it’s not to say that he never wanted to kiss you, he always does want to, but— he won’t just kiss you just because it’s the first date, or because the movies said so, even as much as he wanted to, no. that’s not what he wanted. he felt worried that he was moving too slowly, compared to the examples he’s seen online but— you say things differently. you allowed him to take his time, showing him patience as you peck him on his temples, and he couldn’t be more grateful to love someone like you.

bakugou katsuki

↮ that being vunerable isn’t a bad idea. you’re even aware of the many few boundaries katsuki has set up for himself— like no pda. which, you’re perfectly fine with, but katsuki hated the idea of being vunerable because well,, people shoved him onto this pedestal at a very young age, he’s thee bakugou katsuki, there’s no room for vulnerability (or so he thinks) besides all might and deku, you’re really the only one that has seen the vulnerable bakugou katsuki, not the loud and explosive one everyone is used to. he was repulsed by the idea, but after the first time he allowed himself to cry on your lap, shedding tears as he trembles in your caring embrace— he realized that he has someone, and that someone wouldn’t care for the world if he wasn’t this big and strong person 24/7. he won’t say it out loud, but he’s incredibly thankful

kaminari denki

↮ that people do take him seriously. nearly everyone sees this man as this.. class clown, goof ball, and that he’s ‘stupid’ or he’s ‘lacking braincells’ most of the time, and that’s all they make him out to be. denki doesn’t like drowning in self pity, but he can’t help it, why doesn’t anyone take him seriously? but wait, that’s when you come along. it was heartbreaking to say the least when you saw how shocked he was when you wanted to hear his plans and ideas. to anyone else, it might appear to be the bare minimum, but it’s everything to denki. to be taken seriously when the time says so, to be treated like the next person with ambitions. sure, he loves being a jokester, he loves making people laugh, but he can’t bite back the smile, when he sees you worry about him after every short circuit, and kiss him on the cheek whenever he comes back to his senses.

shinsou hitoshi

↮ that not everyone’s opinion is valid. okay hear me out, that might be considered a bad thing, but it’s really not. in fact, it’s a good thing. hitoshi’s just used to hearing sugar coated and backhanded compliments being thrown his way, people saying that “you’d be a good villain, at least!” but, he doesn’t want to be a villain. sometimes they’re not even backhanded, and he’s just used to accepting it as it is. because, everyone has been thinking that way, since well— he first manifested his quirk. but that’s when you come along, and blow away his expectations. you weren’t afraid to tell him the truth, that he shouldn’t have allowed all of them to insult him like that, since he deserved all of the good that was in the world. that wasn’t the part that stuck out the most, but it was the part where you told him that it’s the intent that mattered, and who cares if his quirk seems villainous, as long as he meant well? for once in his life, he stopped paying attention to the senseless comments, and focused on what really mattered— you.

kirishima eijirou

↮ that you don’t need a flashy quirk to be honorable. his quirk, while it took some time for it to be in the state that it is today, it has always been an insecurity of his, not that he’d admit that. that he can’t create big explosions or large glaciers of ice like bakugou or todoroki, or he can’t create whatever he desired like yaoyorozu, he just felt,, plain sometimes. which was something he never voiced out in such a blunt manner before, since he always presented himself as this cheery dude that’s always ready for the occasion. it might be easy, he probably curses at himself for being under your spell a little bit too easily, but he feels great whenever you praise him for his hard work, and especially his quirk. even when the insecurity slips out by accident, and when you’re questioned if you really meant that, you stay true to your statement, and that was an eye opener.

amajiki tamaki

↮ that there are other ways of being strong. look, it’s not like tamaki’s quirk is weak— in fact, it’s the very opposite, but his self esteem, and the absence of a sociable personality does take a toll on him sometimes. he feels like he can’t do anything right, especially when he mutters, messes up on what he wants to say, more importantly when he has an idea on what to say. he feels helpless, compared to the other two strong personalities of UA’s big three. and that’s why, you’ve showed him that shyness is completely normal and fine, and it’s not just him that struggles with socializing— and besides, tamaki does have other strong points, like his ability to be considerate with his actions, and his carefully selected words of affirmation whenever he sits next to you on a date. tamaki might be socially uh.. weak sometimes, but he’s come to realize that it’s fine, since he has other strong parts!

monoma neito

↮ that he won’t be forgotten, and also— that being nice to class 1-A doesn’t sound that bad. come to think of it, neito DOES have a nice side in him, but it’s just not exposed to class 1-A for several different reasons (that are layered) when he was younger, he was told that his quirk wasn’t that spectacular, people have underestimated his quirk a lot. not because it’s ‘boring’ but because it just ‘copies other quirks,’ and has no individual attributes. thus, lead neito to act out as an attempt to stand out and not be ‘boring.’ in reality, neito doesn’t realize that he’s anything close to that, and that he can be remembered in the best ways. like, when you first saw his room, and it was covered in pastels, and whenever he sees you, the first thing he says is a compliment. who would’ve guessed it from him? and most importantly, when he is nice to class 1-A, he finds himself laughing at amusement— and he thinks ‘hey! this,, isn’t bad.’ it’s a slowburn for him to finally act like how he is with his class but hey, process!

dabi todoroki touya

↮ that he needs someone. how ironic, a villain— needing someone, and all for what? just to be abandoned for someone better? no thanks. you didn’t actually shove it in his face for him to realize it but, you did contribute to it. his staples were starting to falling off again after another gruesome mission, dabi didn’t feel like plucking them out himself, but he knows that he has to— he went to go pick them off, until, you come in. a stapler in your hand, as you practically make him sit tightly as you replaced the staples. it stings, not that he’ll ever admit that, he’ll just stick to making fun at you in such dabi fashion. but ugh, there’s that warmth again everytime he looks at you. it’s not the cruel burn, similar to his quirk— but it’s,, gentle. it makes him want to disembowel himself, but he doesn’t mind it when you touch the cool metal. just,, get out of his face before he decides to flame you, all just because he learned that he needs someone (he won’t actually flame you but ugh, he’s still dealing with that kind of warmth you’re making him feel)

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[fancybelieverdinosaur]

A rough translation of the latest pod… I actually found it quiet funny 🤷‍♀️ especially that P admitted that she is bad at cooking 😅

Pernille on the continued praise: I don’t think about it a lot. I have kind of gotten used to it. As long as I am being highlighted for good topics it makes me proud. It makes me proud because It is topics I am passionate about, equal rights for example. So when I’m being highlighted I know there are people listening who knows that I’m trying to make a difference.

Pernille talking about herself as a footballer: it is always difficult to talk about yourself. But I am very ambitious, very goal oriented, I want to achieve as much as possible in my career. Outside the pitch I am much more down to earth, quiet, calm. I care about some important topics. Try to make the world a better place.

Pernille on her strengths: I am very goal oriented. I rarely give up.

Junge on Pernille’s strengths: she dares to speak up. Especially concerning Lgbtq she’s really started to speak up. I remember when we were younger, she could seem like the quiet type, but on topics she really cared about, whether it was football or her agenda, she spoke her mind. She is not necessarily the loudest but she will speak her mind and that is one of her strengths.

Pernille on speaking her mind: it is some thing I had to grow into especially as I got older. And as Junge said, it is something I have started to do the last couple of years. I had to become comfortable with myself and trust my opinions. I think I have the right opinions and if I can get someone else to listen, I feel like I have succeeded.

Pernille on doubting (herself): I think everyone will have doubts. everyone will have good periods and bad periods. luckily for me there is far between the bad periods and when they do arrive I will work my way out of it. I will do so through mental training and through experience. Knowing what I am capable of. It will hit you throughout your career. It can even be a season that is quite good. For example last year when I changed to Chelsea and arrived with a lot of expectations. And sometimes I did start to doubt whether I could live up to the expectations. That kind of thoughts will even I get. But when i do, I work my way out of it. I think about the process and the things that I am capable of controlling.

Pernille on seeming calm and living up to expectations: there is a lot of expectations. But it’s some thing I’ve gotten used to. But again it’s thinking about the process, the things I can do better, but also knowing there are things that I am fully capable of. And those I lean on. So it’s about not letting your emotions drive you, but focusing on the things that you can control. It’s important not to act on your emotions. for example in a game it is important to get the frustrations out elsewhere than on the pitch. Otherwise I might end up with a red card. Or if I have lower self-esteem it would mean I do not want to receive the ball. So it’s important to use the brain more than the emotions. But there is definitely girl who sometimes doubts herself behind the strong for facade.

Pernille on her continued development: In specifics, there are a few things around the box, improve my decision making to make the changes even bigger. I will continually aim to improve even if there are people who think that I am already good at it.

Pernille on how she got to where she is: it has a lot to do with my family. When I was younger I didn’t really appreciate the time and the miles they put in. But it has had a major influence. And then because it’s always been a dream, and I’ve sacrificed what I had to to obtain that dream. Worked crazy hard.

Pernille on the drive for success: I think it’s an inner motivation. A wish for becoming one of the best. An acceptance that I had to get up early to get to the Academy training. I remember being nervous before every session, but I made myself endure it. There was just an inner drive to be better. It is kind of difficult to explain.

Pernille on whether she’s good at taking time off: I’ve become better at it. When I was younger I weren’t very good at it. My parents both instilled that you have to work hard and cannot sleep your way through it, but also to enjoy life. Otherwise it gets too hard if everything is about football. But I haven’t always been good at it. Are used to be addicted to training.

Pernille on her ambitions back in 2013: even back then I had big ambitions. I went into the euros in Sweden at age 21 wanting to win at all and be the best. I wanted to be the best even when I was a 16-year-old playing with 32-year-olds. But not just individually, I also wanted what was best for the national team, for us to get as far as possible.

Pernille on what she would’ve wanted to know back then: I don’t know actually. I was pretty smart already back then. But I think, at the bottom of it, you can make it very far if you work for it and have the will to do so. It is not all talent. I have seen a few players throughout my time and it is not necessary to have the most talent but you have to have a crazy work ethic and have a winning mentality. And that can really take you far.

Pernille on decisive moves throughout her career: my change to Linkjoping. I chose not to go to the big clubs, but went to one that needed me as a player. But I was incredibly lucky to get a coach after half a year, to this day is still the best coach I’ve had. That really developed me as a player. But other than that my moves have been very thought through. Only taking the next step when I was ready for it. I only moved to Wolfsburg when I was ready for it and then later Chelsea. Because for some young players everything can move too fast. When as a young player there’s all the sudden interest you can make a decision that is not the best for you. And in that sense I think I’ve made the right decisions.

Pernille on what the The national team means: it means everything. To come home. To play for Denmark. It makes me incredibly proud. Especially in the big tournaments, Now that we’re heading to the euros I am just excited. Back in 2017 to see how we just gathered Denmark behind us, And we saw how the men did it last summer, we’re just looking forward to doing it again.

Junge on Pernille as a Captain: she takes responsibility but also let others. In the sense that she’s not very authoritative, she wants to listen to others. But when it is needed she will be the one in front. She wants to let her opinion be known. Show her experience. But at the same time she’s very open to others opinion and accepts that she doesn’t know it all.

Kuhl on Pernille as a captain: she’s very open. Has really embraced me. You really feel that she is aleader.

Pernille on herself as a captain: it is some thing I’m very aware of. As you said I was named captain quite early and it is some thing I had to learn over time. When I was 23 I didn’t think about it a lot, I was a lot more focused on being a captain on the pitch. I have had to learn that there was more to it. To also be a captain outside the pitch. But also that a captain doesn’t have to do it all but can delegate. I can delegate all the practical boring things. Just kidding, of course I can do the practical things as well. But I think it is important for a leader to realize that you can trust your teammates too. I think especially in the tough situation I enjoyed being the captain. Both outside the pitch if anyone has problems they can come to me. But also on the pitch if someone needs me to show the way. I’m very happy because it shows that my teammates trust and value what are you do and how I lead.

Pernille on what the national team wants to express: happiness. Togetherness. That we are playing to bring pleassure, make Denmark proud. That we are happy. Win matches. And play fun and interesting football.

Pernille on what she is bad at: I don’t think I’m bad at anything. No sure there is something. Some might think I’m bad at cooking.

Junge on what Pernille is bad at: Losing. But that might be an advantage in itself. I don’t actually know, but I have heard she’s bad at cooking. It’s her girlfriend that takes care of that. But that’s only something I’ve heard I’ve never experienced it.

Pernille on whether Junge is right: A bad loser yes for sure. But that is just a motivation to be better. As for the cooking, I am not the most creative. But I am very good at carrying out instructions. And although I might be the captain in Denmark, I am perfectly fine with taking a backseat concerning things I am not passionate about.

Pernille on the correlation between Pernille the footballer and Pernille the person: they are both similarities and differences. On the pitch I am a lot more outgoing, not necessarily aggressive, but more expressive. In private I am a lot more calm. But there are things that I care about off the pitch that I am as ambitious about as my football.

Kuhl on Pernille outside the pitch: she’s been open. Easy to talk to. Super nice.

Kuhl on Pernille as a role model: always been a big name that I have looked up to. It’s a name I remember from when I was very young. She has had a major influence for a lot of young girls including me. It was very prominent that she got her debut as a 16-year-old and scored a Hattrick, it is of course some thing I strive for too.

Junge on Pernille Outside the pitch: I think the easiest way to explain her is she has her legs solidly planted on the ground. She’s not let anything get to her head, become arrogant or anything. I really admire that she is still the same girl.

Pernille on staying humble: probably something I was raised with from home. A girl from Western Jutland cannot get to arrogant. And then because I’m not satisfied. There are still things I feel like I can improve.

Pernille The development of women’s soccer: it has really developed up a lot. Really sped up the last four or five years. I remember at my debut at the national team not a lot of games were shown on TV, not just in Denmark but in all of Europe. Now we see the big TV deals. So a lot is happening. both sky showing the English league and the Denz showing champions league. It shows that the women’s game is more attractive.

Pernille On the women’s game in Denmark: Because a lot of the international leagues are investing quite heavily, we see a lot of the Danish girls move abroad. So the Danish league has become a youth league. For the development of young players. It’s super cool to see your team as HB Køge, that are investing in their women’s team, they can make it to the champions league group stage. So I hope it is an eye-opener to a lot of the other teams. Especially the men’s team. If you invest just a little in the women’s game it goes a long way. It is worth the investment. But I would like the process to speed up. I hear from the girls on the national team how the facilities and the situation are here. I think it could get better. I think the bigger clubs should invest. It is not the biggest investment you have to make to ensure decent facilities. It is what it would take for me to come back to Denmark to play. The big clubs should invest more. We should recruit more foreign players. I am not sure currently any of the Danish clubs, maybe the top three, would be able to make it in the English league.

Pernille on future plans: yes I am getting old. Already at a quite young age I made a plan for how my career should play out. A few years at Chelsea now. I’d like to try a different European league. May be a few years in the States. But we will see how it plays out.

Pernille on what she wants to be remembered for: A player that has won and achieved a lot. But also just a dedicated player. Someone who’s been motivated and continue to improve even until the end. And someone who spoke up for the things that mattered.

Wow. I am speechless. Thank you🙌😍

[free--therapy]

5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt

Written by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on May 18, 2019

Guilt has an incredible way of popping up even when we’re barely doing anything at all.

Most of us learn guilt throughout normal childhood development. Guilt clues us in when we’ve stepped outside the boundaries of our core values. It makes us take responsibility when we’ve done something wrong and helps us to develop a greater sense of self-awareness. The feeling of guilt forces us to examine how our behavior affects others and make changes so that we don’t make the same mistake again.

How can we learn to deal with guilt — accepting it when it is appropriate and letting it go when it’s unnecessary?

1. Is this guilt appropriate and, if so, what is its purpose?

Guilt works best to help us grow and mature when our behavior has been offensive or hurtful to others or ourselves. If we feel guilty for saying something offensive to another person, or for focusing on our careers with an 80-hour work-week over our family, that’s a warning sign with a purpose: change your behavior or you will push away your friends or family. We can still choose to ignore our guilt then, but then we do so at our own risk. This is known as “healthy” or “appropriate” guilt because it serves a purpose in trying to help redirect our moral or behavioral compass.

The problem arises when we don’t need to reexamine our behavior or makes changes. For example, a lot of first-time mothers feel badly about going back to work part-time, fearful it may cause unknown damage to their child’s normal development. However, that’s simply not the case in most situations and most children have a normal, healthy development even when both parents work. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, yet we still do. This is known as “unhealthy” or “inappropriate” guilt because it serves no rational purpose.

If you’re feeling guilty for eating five chocolate bars in a row, that’s your brain’s way of trying to get the message to you about a behavior you probably already recognize is a little extreme. Such behavior may be self-destructive and ultimately harmful to your health and well-being. So the rational purpose of this guilt is simply to try and convince you to change this behavior.

2. Makes changes, instead of wallowing in guilt.

If your guilt is for a specific and rational purpose — e.g., it’s healthy guilt — take action to fix the problem behavior. While many of us are gluttons for self-punishment, ongoing guilt weighs us down as we try and move forward in life. It’s easy enough to apologize to someone whom we’ve offended by a careless remark. It’s a little more challenging to not only recognize how your 80-hour-a-week career may be harming your family, but to also change your work schedule (assuming that there were legitimate reasons for working 80-hours a week in the first place).

Healthy guilt is telling us we need to do something different in order to repair relationships important to us (or our own self-esteem). Unhealthy guilt’s purpose, on the other hand, is only to make us feel badly.

While sometimes we already know the lesson guilt is trying to teach us, it will return time and time again until we’ve actually learned the lesson fully. It can be frustrating, but it seems to be the way guilt works for most people. The sooner we “learn the lesson” — e.g., make amends, work to not engage in the same hurtful behavior in the future, etc. — the sooner the guilt will disappear. If successful, it will never return for that issue again.

3. Accept that you did something wrong, but then move on.

If you did something wrong or hurtful, you will have to accept that you cannot change the past. But you can make amends for your behavior, if and when it’s appropriate. Do so, apologize, or make-up for the inappropriate behavior in a timely manner, but then let it go. The more we focus on believing we need to do something more, the more it will continue to bother us and interfere with our relationships with others.

Guilt is usually very situational. That means we get into a situation, we do something inappropriate or hurtful, and then we feel badly for a time. Either the behavior wasn’t so bad or time passes, and we feel less guilty. If we recognize the problem behavior and take action sooner rather than later, we’ll feel better about things (and so will the other person) and the guilt will be alleviated. Obsessing about it, however, and not taking any type of compensatory behavior (such as apologizing, or changing one’s negative behavior) keeps the bad feelings going. Accept and acknowledge the inappropriate behavior, make your amends, and then move on.

4. Learn from mistakes.

Guilt’s purpose isn’t to make us feel bad just for the sake of it. Legitimate guilt is trying to get our attention so that we can learn something from the experience. If we learn from our behavior, we’ll be less likely to do it again in the future. If I’ve accidentally said something insulting to another person, my guilt is telling me I should (a) apologize to the person and (b) think a little more before I open my mouth.

If your guilt isn’t trying to correct an actual mistake you made in your behavior, it’s unhealthy guilt and there’s not a whole lot you need to learn. Instead of learning how to change that behavior, a person can instead try to understand why a simple behavior most people wouldn’t feel guilty about is causing them to feel guilt. For instance, I felt guilty for spending some time playing a game during regular work hours. But, since I work for myself, I don’t really keep “regular work hours.” It’s just hard for me to change that mindset after years of working for others.

5. Recognize that no one is perfect.

Not even our friends or family members who appear to lead perfect, guilt-free lives. Striving for perfection in any part of our lives is a recipe for failure, since it can never be attained.

We all make mistakes and many of us go down a path in our lives that can make us feel guilty later on, when we finally realize our mistake. The key, however, is to realize the mistake and accept that you’re only human. Don’t engage in days, weeks or months of self-blame — battering your self-esteem because you should’ve known, should’ve acted differently, or should’ve been an ideal person. You’re not, and neither am I. That’s just life.

Guilt is one of those emotions that we feel is telling us something important. Be aware that not every emotion, and certainly not every guilty feeling, is a rational one that has a purpose. Focus on the guilt that causes loved ones or friends harm. And remember to be skeptical the next time you feel guilty – is it trying to teach you something rational and helpful about your behavior, or is it just an emotional, irrational response to a situation? The answer to that question will be your first step to helping you better cope with guilt in the future.

[mysterybooks-world]

informations from

Jestro is the royal jester of the King and Queen of Knighton. As a child, a Knight entered him the Knights' Academy to try and be a Knight, but he eventually quit the Academy due to his poor abilities. After leaving, Merlok took him under his wing and tried to help him get a job, and ultimately got him one as the King's jester. He was very proud of his job, though insecure.

After causing a power outage after messing up his act, he ran away in fear and met the Book of Monsters, who he would act with and become evil.

Before his corruption, Jestro had white skin with red lipstick, a dark teal cape with bronze bells, and purple and sky blue striped clothing, including a jester hat.

After his corruption, Jestro remained white-skinned, but the sky blue on his clothing changed to red. Additionally, his bells changed to skulls, his clothing became tattered, and his eyes and teeth turned yellow. His now-twisted smile kept the same red lipstick he previously wore.

After being zapped by the Cloud of Monstrox, his clothing became even more ripped, and his skin turned blue, with lightning coursing through it. The sky blue on his original clothing became purple, while the purple on his original clothing became yellow, and his bells turned into lightning skulls. His eyes became yellow again, and his lipstick turned navy blue. His jester hat perked up whenever he was excited.

Personality

Jestro is, above all else, incredibly insecure. He's shown to frequently get stage fright, though he seems to be getting better, as he enjoys being on live television, and has little to no self esteem. His nerves often cause him to mess up his performances, and even before becoming a jester he failed at becoming both a knight and a wizard, leading him to feel he can't do anything right. Despite this, he still tries his best, even in the face of repeated failures.

He's also very emotional, and is easily upset. This, tied in with his tendency to make impulsive decisions without being properly aware of the situation, and the fact that he's not always the smartest gets him into bad situations, allows him to easily be manipulated. He's desperate to do something right for once, and be good at it, but sometimes puts that need above even his own morals, which was what caused him to go evil in the first place.

He has no problem going with whatever he's gotten himself into as long as he thinks he's doing relatively well, and falls for even the emptiest of praise without recognizing it's not genuine. He's also easily intimidated and scared, and Monstrox gladly takes advantage of all of this without Jestro being aware of it.

However, despite willingly turning evil in the first two seasons, with little hesitation, he's not actually a bad guy, he'd much rather be on the side of good if he can. He cares a lot about his friends, especially Clay Moorington, and seems to show more reluctance to attacking them than things like becoming evil or attacking the general public.

He even starts to rethink attacking the castle as he heads there simply because, while it would be a great strategic move, the king used to be really nice to him, and he'd feel bad. When the situation arises, he's even willing to sacrifice himself for his friends.

While corrupted, his personality completely changes, especially as he starts to embrace being evil. He becomes more willing to attack anyone in his way, whether he used to have personal ties to them or not, and gains a lot more confidence in his actions. He also becomes less of a pushover, and more inclined to at least try to take charge.

Many of the evil books, after being found, further alter his personality, such as the Book of Greed making him more obsessed with finding and having gold than actually doing evil. The effects of these seem to be more temporary than the Book of Evil's original corruption effect, though, and rarely have an impact for longer than the episode they're featured in. Not all of the effects of the corruption disappear completely afterwards, either, as some of the confidence he gained and his willingness to stand up for himself remain.

After being struck by Monstrox's magic lightning, he acted more serious than before, and more evil. He would occasionally have moments of doubt before Monstrox zapped him once more. He also kept no sentimental connection to the Lava Monsters and criticized Monstrox for having one to them.

Weapons and abilities

Jestro isn't shown to have a lot of talents, and what few he does have he doesn't seem to recognize. Be that as it may, he's shown to be a great comedian, entertaining the knights and the entire town of Funnyton.

He hasn't been shown to wield any weapons normally, but both times when working with Monstrox, he's had a staff. He shows excellent use in these abilities of the Forbidden Powers.

LEGO.com description

Jestro is not bad. He is just no good at being good. Or funny for that matter. He was King Halbert’s jester and every day people laughed at him. Except for when he actually tried to be funny, then they fell silent. One day Jestro had enough and he seized the opportunity to become so powerful that no-one would ever dare laugh at him again.

[make-me-imagine]

Hello love ♡

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your 5500 follower milestone! That's incredible♡! I love your writings, Mera, and I think that your ship celebration is a wonderful idea!

Could I please request a male matchup for Marvel, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings/Hobbit? With the additional "What you did for your first date" and "Ways they show you they love you without words" headcanons for all three of them? I'm female, she/her.

To begin with, I'm full of contradictions, utterly boring, very insecure and highly complicated. I would say my strongest personality traits are my kindness, calmness and sympathy. It's almost impossible to scare or upset me, because I always see the good in a person and recognize where anger, frustration and despair come from. There's no cruelty in me at all. I'm open and impartial towards everything and everyone, without any judgment or prejudice. I also have a calming/grounding effect on other people and animals, which is great because I honestly love all sorts of animals (I'm also a vegetarian because I refuse to intentionally hurt any animal). I have a faszination for chaos and rebellion, but am quite submessive/timid and a clean-/control freak myself. I'm always well-meaning and there to help others. I despise people who enjoy the suffering of others, just because they have the 'power' to. I'm very open-minded and I think that every opinion matters and that whatever someone has to say is important, at least to them and therefore for me. I will never ignore someone's sorrows and suffering and I try my hardest to help and comfort as best I can. But, even though I see the good in everything, I'm very insecure myself and have little love and understanding for myself. I have a very bad self-esteem and not a particularly positive self-perception, which mostly defines my actions. It makes me believe that I'm a burden to others and that I annoy them. I feel like I'm not "worthy" of love/there's nothing lovable about me, that there are too many problems in contrast to the little good things. Nevertheless, I would never change myself for anything or anyone, I'm who I'm. For me, dealing and interacting with people is really difficult, because I'm so clumsy and nervous around them and easily feel like I'm making a fool out of myself. Another reason is that I fear to be rejected and thrown aside when someone sees how boring, problematic and annoying I actually am. You would be surprised how timid and reserved I'm; I'm sure you wouldn't notice me in a room full of people if it wouldn't be for my different appearance (I'm always wearing only black, have dyed my hair a little and two ear piercings). I almost never like the "typical" heroes and righteous characters. And somehow I have such a undergoing disdain for any figure in the police and law department. Because I'm easily sad and not a funny/joking person, I like and enjoy people who aren't too serious themselves. And I'm the most loyal person you'll ever find, once you earn my trust, I'll always be on and by your side, no matter what. I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere, like I'm the only cat in a room full of dogs. That's probably why I have a soft spot for the weirdos, outcasts, loners and "crazy" ones. Though, in my opinion, the definition of normal, crazy and real are very subjective. My whole life I've felt kinda judged, misunderstood and unwanted. People often falsely think that my unassuming nature is naivity and take my social-insecurity for aloofness and coldness. I'm also quite opinionated and aware of what I want, how I feel and who I am. I'm often questioning my surroundings, the traditions and rules and I have no problem challenging others, even authority. I'm a perfectionist, which often leads me to overthinking and that can be equally good and bad. I'm absolutely clueless in romance and totally oblivious to flirting because I'm 100% inexperienced in this stuff, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.

-Luna 1/2

Hey Luna, I hope you like what I came up with. You provided a bit more information than was necessary lmao, I forgot the word limit for asks was extended. BUT, it was enough to give me a good feel for who to ship you with, so I hope you like them!

All ships are under the cut: 

Marvel: 

I ship you with Clint.

Clint was my immediate thought when reading your information. He is very loyal and kind-hearted and I think would be most drawn to those who are kind, loyal, and have strong morals. He would try his best to show you how great you are through your insecurities, he loves you for who you are and sees no flaws in you. He would be very good at showing his care and love for everything you are. He does not need words to know how you feel as he is very good at seeing through you and knowing what you feel without them.

What you did for your first date: 

You would have a fun yet casual day out date.

First you would go on a walk through a nearby park, talking and joking about everything and nothing. 

Then you would go to a musical instrument museum.

He loves music too, so this would be great for both of you.

You got to see the evolution of music and instruments and listened to various kinds of music.

You spent hours in the museum together.

To finish the date of you went to a restaurant, you chose the place to go too since he knew you were vegetarian and he wanted you to share your favorite place and meals with him. 

Ways they show you they love you without words: 

He loves physical touch as well, so he would often express himself through various physical actions. 

Placing a kiss to the back of your hand, or head. 

Hugging you close to him randomly. 

Wrapping you up in his arms on the couch when watching movies as he randomly kisses the side of your head or face. 

Best Friend: 

I think your best friend would be Steve. He is a very kind and compassionate person and would be very brotherly to you. he would never force you out of your comfort zone and would often check in on you. He can sometimes be a bit serious, but it never pushy towards you. He is very caring and helps you to accept yourself and things around you. 

-

Harry Potter: 

I ship you with Harry. 

Harry is a very encouraging and accepting person and I think he would see the best in you and would never stop showing and proving to you that you are worthy of love and compassion. He would find you to be beautiful and never sees the flaws that you try to convince yourself that you have. I think he would be one of the best people to show you that you matter and are beautiful. 

What you did for your first date:

You first met at Hogwarts, and since there was not much choice in dates he chose something simple that he knew you would enjoy. 

You left during dinner and took an evening stroll around the grounds.

You stayed out past curfew and sat on a nearby hill watching the stars together.

When you began to get sleepy you snuck back in and he walked you back to your room.  

Ways they show you they love you without words:

He brings you your favorite snacks and drinks randomly. 

Randomly drapes his cloak or jacket over your shoulders when you are cold. 

Will take your hand in his and rubs his fingers softly over your skin. 

Hugs you from behind randomly. 

Will play your favorite music throughout the house when he knows that you are stressed or sad. 

Best Friend:

Hermione. She is very good at making you feel better about the world and yourself. She is always open to going on long walks and listening to you rant about anything or just to talk when needed. She is good at giving advice and never lets you feel inferior to anyone. 

-

Lotr: 

I ship you with Aragorn. 

Out of everyone, I think Aragorn would be the best suited for you. He is kind, and patient and sees the best in everyone. He would see the best in you and is very good at showing it to you too. He will always make you feel wanted and needed. He does not let anyone take you for granted and will always stand up for you. He loves that you love music and will sing for you when you are stressed or having trouble falling asleep. 

What you did for your first date:

Aragorn being Aragorn, woud take you on a horse ride to a beautiful forest.

You would go exploring and walking through the meadows.

He would share his knowledge of various plants with you and pick you flowers along the way, making you a small bouquet. 

Once it got late, you two sat on the top of a hill and watched the sunset, waiting for the stars to come out before making your way back. 

Ways they show you they love you without words:

Surprising you with flowers randomly. 

Holding your hand as you walk through town on a quiet evening. 

Bringing you various plants and taking care of them for you.

Planting you a garden with all of your favorite plants and flowers. 

Hand-making you a special pendant to wear or hang somewhere in your home. 

Best Friend:

Out of everyone, I think you would form a bond with Eowyn. She is caring and quiet, and is very easy to get along with She is very good at making people aware of their worth and of feeling wanted. She would never make you angry or disappoint you. I think you two would become so close that you consider each other family. 

xx

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

headcanon #050: ash as an infj

word count: 1,403 words

ash isn’t the type who puts much weight in personality tests. things like astrology or blood types as determinations of personality are things he’s a complete non-believer in. typing with some evaluative metric that actually evaluates personality, preferences, and choices like mbti are more valid, in his opinion, but he doesn’t spend much time thinking about them. there are more than 7.6 billion people on earth, so grouping them into four or twelve or sixteen types is going to be very broad and generalized regardless.

still, ash falling into the infj category does say some things about him that are very much true. infj is the rarest mbti type overall as well as the most rare in men, and is known as “the advocate” or “the idealist” type, which itself speaks to who ash is. he’s a deeply empathetic person who feels that the closest thing he can find to the meaning of life is to help other people, and that that will be the only way to make a lasting impact. that generosity and sensitivity is very outward, though, and often leads to him neglecting himself, as is characteristic of an infj.

similarly, while infjs value honesty and vulnerability incredibly highly in others, they themselves often lack in those areas because they don’t like to ask for help or place their own emotional burden on others. ash is a classic example of this, as someone who is very private and very reluctant to ever open up completely to anyone. this creates an emotional paradox as he craves human connection, but creates distance in his relationships by way of closing himself off.

infjs can be very sensitive to criticism and are avoiders of conflict, which ash undeniably is. infjs often act driven by the motivation of what they feel is good for those around them, so when they face criticism, rather than feeling someone disagrees with their action, they feel they’ve personally failed in their driving goal. ash takes criticism very hard and part of that is his low self-esteem but another part, especially when it comes to criticism from the “general public” towards him as a public figure, is that it leads to him feeling that the criticism means he is an intrinsically bad person.

inherent idealism is also a key part of the infj personality type. arguably, it’s the most prominent trait of the personality. at times, ash can be cynical and pessimistic, but that’s because the infj’s version of idealism is not naive. it sees the world for what it is and is intent on creating a more ideal version of it. at his heart, ash is very much idealistic. he believes that a better world can be achieved through determination, good intentions, and effort. infjs in particular are known for turning their idealism into action instead of just daydreaming; they are not mere ‘dreamers’ but also ‘doers’. they will makes moves to try to improve upon the places they see the potential for bettering. unfortunately, this also results in potentially toxic perfectionism. everything can always be better and imperfections in his work and relationships tend to stand out as something that needs to be fixed to be okay. the problem is, his idealism means those imperfections can never be fixed enough to go unnoticed.

to other people, infjs are often perceived as reserved and intense. they can be seen as private, principled, and hard to get close to.

infjs are known for feeling alone and misunderstood, which i don’t think i even need to say ash feels. one habit they’re known for having is intensely cutting people off. they can quickly and abruptly cut people out of their lives who have wronged them or acted in opposition to their most deeply-held values. some of the things infjs are naturally predisposed to hating most are criticism, conflict, cruelty, manipulation, and deceit. 

in romantic relationships, infj idealism again comes out. like ash does, they value “true love” and intensely deep and authentic connections and make very passionate lovers. unfortunately, like in other areas of life, this idealism means that anything less than the “ideal” does not satisfy them, making it hard for people like ash to be happy in long-term relationships, especially when he can’t find a way to counter it with a heavy dose of realism. this has been a major source of problems in ash’s relationships in the past. he’s almost always the one to end his relationships and, when he does, it’s because he’s let a road bump like feeling he loves his partner more or vice versa get to him. he takes relationships very seriously, but if any one of honesty, integrity, passion of the emotional and physical varieties, or communication is missing, it can lead to a fall out entirely for him.

infjs have been recorded as the type most likely to experience dissatisfaction in their marriage.

infjs are sometimes said to not be the type to make the first move, but ash’s nature for ‘doing’ and not just ‘dreaming’ has him frequently being the one to make the first move in his personal relationships (both in initiating them and ending them).

infjs can have a hard time making friends, which is true of ash. in the present, he has very few people he considers friends and “friend” is an important title to him that he doesn’t use lightly. most people in his life are acquaintances, though this also has something to do with the aforementioned distancing. like in relationships, ash seeks a deeper connection than passing schedules or a common workplace in favor of people he can deeply connect to emotionally. he’s not interested in people who collect friends for the sake of having more friends or pretending to feel close to someone because they’re working together. he’s often lonely because of his high barrier to accepting friendship, but he’d be even unhappier if he had to expend all of his energy on socializing with a bunch of people he only knows on the surface level.

being an idol wasn’t a great career choice for an infj such as ash. as a personality type that values independence and integrity so highly and things such as social status and material belongings less highly, being famous would have only really been rewarding for ash if he’d been able to be very authentic and had plenty of room to grow as a person and able to encourage independence, authenticity, and advocacy in others. it simply isn’t fulfilling for him as the core of the work often times conflicts with his own personal values, something that’s hard for him to bear as a strong-willed infj. his compassion and sensitivity do not make him a pushover, and he would have been happier in a role where he has more autonomy.

the dominant function of an infj is introverted intuition. in ash, this manifests in his stubbornness and involvement in his own inner world. he takes in a wide array of information and is good at breaking it down into a singular focus. this can also make him seem very single-minded, one-track-focused when he’s dead set on something. it helps strengthen his empathetic side because he’s able to consider others’ perspectives, but can also cause him to seem judgmental at times because he tends to map out in his mind where choices will lead someone before anything has happened. because introverted intuition takes in so much information, it can lead ash to get irritated or frustrated easily.

the auxiliary function of an infj is extraverted feeling. this makes ash very aware and understanding of the feelings of people around him and the feelings people experience in general, but causes him to struggle more with processing and conveying his own feelings. it’s a good function for an entertainer in that it helps him read an audience well, but it also makes him sensitive to the criticism and feedback that comes with a public platform.

the tertiary and inferior functions of infjs are introverted thinking and extraverted sensing respectively. ash lives inside his own head a lot. when he’s around other people, he bases his decisions more on intuition and feeling, but when given time to himself to assess situations, more thinking and logic comes in. the extraverted sensing has a smaller role, but plays a part in allowing ash not to get too carried away with thoughts of the far off future.

[wronqness99]

Alone Together

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 2.5K+

Warnings: Emotional abuse, mentions of alcoholism, unhealthy relationships

Characters: Park JaeHyung / Jae Park (Day6) X Female Reader

> About my writing

*The image doesn’t belong to me, credits to the owner.*

Y/N held her knees close to her chest as she rocked her body back and forth in an attempt to calm herself as tears streamed down her face uncontrollably.

She felt broken and saddened by everything that had happened in the last few hours. Ever since her parents' divorce, the girl had felt like she barely knew her own mother who was once a dedicated housewife and someone who she could always rely on, who was there to protect her, to help her and encourage her way through life.

She felt some much needed peace when her mother finally decided to leave the unhealthy marriage in their past, even though her father sometimes liked to scare them by trying to intrude in their lives and know more than he should with his unhealthy addiction to alcohol, which made them fear for their lives sometimes. It enraged Y/N how the man couldn't seem to understand what he had done wrong for them to leave, the irreparable damage he had done to his own flesh and blood. She knew things were not going to be easy, but she never expected such a sudden dramatic change.

Y/N couldn't help it, her mother's new behaviour messed with her head more than she would like to admit and it became the reason for the loud screaming and fighting between the women quite often which would then lead to heartbreak and tears. It was like a cycle. Her mother liked to turn things on her and make her feel guilty by saying Y/N didn't want her happiness whenever the girl tried to reason and calmly explain why it bothered her so much seeing the older woman contact multiple men through the internet, but everything became worse when Y/N discovered her mom lied to her in order to go out with those men without her knowledge. This strained their relationship in an incredibly irreparable way. The one she had always trusted with everything was now failing her in avail of other people. She had been there to support her mother through the difficulties with the marriage and never left her side all the way through the divorce process, while most of their family just pitied the alcoholic man who had been unemployed for years and would never make anything of himself. Yet, despite all of that, she seemed to have just become something replaceable for her mother, like a rag who had become too old and could no longer serve its purpose. The woman always rubbed the sacrifices she made for the younger on her face in order to guilt trap her, but failed to see how many times her daughter had stopped living her life and doing things people her age were supposed to just to be by her side and somehow protect her. She didn't like to go to parties or stay out late with friends, she never went to sleepovers and whenever her family members invited her to go on holiday with them, Y/N would always refuse. She didn't want her mother to feel alone, she didn't want anything to happen to her best friend.

This time around, however, their fight had been on another level and it blew completely out of hand. Y/N had begged her mother not to go meet that guy. She was tired of seeing her mom jumping from man to man, the older having had her know of two different relationships within the span of less than a year, but she knew there were more. It pained her extremely and she couldn't understand how her relationship with the older woman had always been enough for them both until the moment of divorce when it just wasn't anymore. She felt like she had lost her mother.

Even though Y/N was used to her mother not listening to her, she was not expecting the woman to tell her such hurtful, poisonous words. And they fought. Yet again. But this time it was louder, uglier and made her cry more than ever before. It made her never want to see the woman ever again, she felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest.

That was the first time her mother had ever put a relationship with any man she had barely even known before the special, loving one she once had with her daughter.

"Do you think you'll stop me from seeing him just because you can't get used to it? You're worthless. If your behaviour doesn't change you will end up alone. Jae won't be willing to keep up with your nasty personality for much longer." Her mother had said. And Y/N went quiet, the words resonating again and again inside her head. She didn't even notice when her mom left the house.

Jae had been her support through the whole mess that was her parents' relationship, her shitty relationship with her father who was drunk most of the time, her parents' subsequent divorce and her mother's whole change in behaviour. He had been there through everything. Jae had been the warm hug in her heart whenever the situation with her father got out of hand at home before the divorce and after, when the man would call her mother questioning when they were coming back home and what he had done wrong for them to leave, like it wasn't obvious enough, which caused the woman to end up screaming on the phone and Y/N's world to fall apart all over again. Whenever this happened, anxiety episodes were sure to ensue. And Jae had always been there to pick up her pieces. He had always been there for her, reminding her of the strength she had but unfortunately only he seemed to be aware of. He was always there to give her the love she had lacked all throughout her growth like she had been there to remind him how good he was at his art, being a musician. When everyone else opposed his dream, she was there to pull through the hard times with him. Jae wasn't scared of her insecurities or her being broken. Instead, he focused on helping her become better mentally and allowing her to be the real version on herself whenever they were together, no judgement or questions asked. He loved her for her.

They were like each other's anchor, tying each other to reality, tying each other to life.

So many times the girl had asked herself what she would have done without Jae by her side, she honestly wondered if she would still be alive. Whenever things got hard at home when her parents got married, even though she still had her mother, she felt alone. Now, not even being able to count on the woman anymore, she felt even lonelier.

Even though she had a strong and loving relationship with her boyfriend, the woman she called mother had been able to shake her structures and make her doubt herself like never before. Was she really toxic? Did she not deserve Jae? Was he holding such a kind soul from something much better than what she could give him in life?

Well, the probability of answer to that she knew was a strong definitely yes.

She loved Jae and knew he didn't deserve what she put him through. He could do so much better and have someone who was more confident and happy with their own self. Someone who wasn't broken. Y/N was insecure about most things in life, her indecisiveness never really helped with anything either and it just so happened that they had never had really bad days at the same time because the girl was quite sure that if it were to happen, they would probably enter self-destruction mode and ruin one another.

Maybe she really was toxic and maybe she was dragging Jae right down with her. Maybe it truly was the best for him to leave and maybe, just maybe, she was being utterly and completely selfish by not wanting to let go of him.

Hearing the key turn on the lock, Y/N jumped up from the couch, blanket hanging from her shoulders as she ran to her boyfriend, who immediately embraced her in his warmth.

"Lovey..." Jae's voice made itself clear, worry laced in every vibration. "What happened?" He questioned, holding her body tighter and closer to his own, lips pressed to her forehead.

"Please... Please don't get tired of me? I know I'm hard to deal with, I'm not easy to love, but Jae, I love you with all my heart and I promise you I will always do my best for you! Please don't leave me..." The girl hiccuped, holding his white t-shirt tightly inside her fists as if that would keep the man she loved from ever leaving her side.

"Baby, look at me," Jae asked, holding her by the shoulders and pushing her back a little so he could look into her eyes. His heart broke seeing her tear stained cheeks and watery eyes that didn't seem to be going to stop crying anytime soon. He pouted, and carefully cleaned her tears with his thumb. The man allowed them a short period of silence, wanting his girlfriend to calm down so they could finally talk and he could get a better understanding of what was going on, even though he was pretty sure of the reason that left Y/N in such a state. "Did you fight with your mom again?" He questioned lowly. She nodded before looking down. Jae pulled her closer again and tucked his chin on top of her head, hands running freely through her hair, something he knew was going to help soothe her. "Y/N I'm not going to leave you. Not now and not ever. That is not something you need to worry about. It's truly annoying and saddening how your mother is trying to get to you just because you are opening, or at least trying to open your heart to her by telling her how you truly feel. I understand that she wants to move on and live her life but I won't allow her to make you doubt my feelings for you just because she wants to be selfish and have everything her way." Jae stated firmly. "She shouldn't be treating her own daughter like this, making her doubt her own capacities not only in love but life in general. She's destroying your self-esteem. I won't allow her to take away from you something that was so hard to build." By the tone of his voice and the fast pace of his heart, the girl could tell her boyfriend was mad. Jae knew how much she had struggled with her mental health and loving herself. Even if Y/N did the most amazing things in the world, she couldn't seem to notice that and that was always where Jae came in and helped her see herself a little bit through his loving eyes instead of her dark, unconfident ones, which helped his girlfriend to slowly begin trusting herself and having a little more confidence.

"I feel like I'm losing myself in this wave of emotions that hit me all at once and left me adrift." She chuckled emotionlessly, tears still in her eyes. "I cried so much today my chest went numb. I don't feel myself anymore." Y/N allowed herself to close her eyes for a moment and take in all of Jae. The wooden scent of his perfume, the warmth of his embrace, his caring and loving nature towards her. It was perfect. And she was afraid to lose it. Taking a step back, she looked into his eyes, the man holding both of her hands on his own. "I feel like I'm holding you back from the wonderful life you could have..." She confided barely above a whisper, eyes never leaving his.

"Y/N, please don't hide yourself. Show me you. Show me the real you. Don't hide your heart because of her hurtful words. I don't have any intentions to leave you. I'm here with you like I have always been and plan to always be. You can talk to me, ok? The words you've postponed in fear, the feelings you're holding in, they only do ill to you. The last thing I want is for you to doubt your strength or the strength of our love." He placed her hand on top of his heart. "This belongs to you and you only. But you cannot be afraid of me, especially of my feelings for you. Please believe me when I say that I love you and that I will always be by your side. I will always be here to lull you to sleep and to wake up to your love in the morning. You have no idea how much strength it gives me to just look at you and know you're mine, to know I have a reason. We are family Y/N, we were long before we started dating, when we were only best friends. Our bond was always something out of the ordinary. You mean the world to me, so, please don't be afraid. I will always be beside you."

"I'm sorry..." She said in a whisper and bit her lip in embarrassment. "You've never given me a reason to doubt anything in our relationship, yet here I am, being ridiculous and toxic. Sometimes I feel like I really don't deserve you." She stated, causing the man to shake his head in negation.

"You're not being toxic, you just believed the words of someone who's becoming toxic to you. You are dealing with the situation as best as you can. You never went through this before, you are learning and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need a little time. It's fine, ok? I am here and we'll get through this together like we always do." He stated and smiled, placing a chaste kiss to her lips before pulling her into his warm embrace once again, allowing them both to feel the love that bound them.

"Thank you for everything Jae, I love you. I truly do and there is nothing in this world I want more than to spend eternity with you."

Y/N knew she wasn't alone even if she felt that way. She knew Jae was right there and she could always count on him. He was there to give her strength and tell her how amazing she was over and over again until she would believe it herself.

Jae always made her a priority because, according to his own words, that's where she belonged.

In times like this, she was even more sure he was the one. The one true love that she had waited for her whole life. The one who simply adored her and always brought out the best in her, the one who dropped everything at a ring of the phone so he could be there for her no matter the circumstances, and the one who always made her laugh.

Deep in her heart, she knew they would always be each other's person.

MASTERLIST

[blucmoon]

━  ☾ ⊹  ( im jaebum, cis male , he/him ) say hello to AE YONGGUK, the TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD that seems to have a lot in his hands with HIS job as a STALL OWNER, DRUMMER AND OCCASIONAL BARTENDER! beyond that, they seemed RESPONSIBLE AND TRUSTWORTHY upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of EVASIVE AND INSECURE though. HE seems to live in a 4 BEDROOM HOUSE in YUNHWA, SOUTH KOREA. anything else to add? oh, yeah! he also RUNS A STALL CALLED “KODACHROME” WHERE HE TAKES PHOTOS FOR IDS, SELLS PRINTS AS WELL AS BOOKS SESSIONS FOR PHOTOSHOOTS. 

basic information

full name: ae yongguk

nickname(s): guk, yonggu (hasn’t figured out why)

age: 25

date of birth: january 6th, 1995

birthplace: seoul, south korea.

hometown: yunhwa, south korea.

current location: yunhwa, south korea.

ethnicity: asian.

nationality: korean

gender: cismale

pronouns: he / him

orientation: demiromantic, bisexual.

occupation: stall owner and drummer of a band called “crux”. sometimes he helps at his aunt’s bar in busan for some extra money.

living arrangements: house #4012, hwesakgu.

language(s) spoken: korean, english (conversational)

physical appearance

faceclaim: got7’s im jaebum “jb”

hair color: like almost everyone, he has naturally brown hair but throughout the years he’s dyed it blonde or black a couple of times. right now, it’s black and he has managed to grow it to a length he really likes below his chin. yongguk can be usually seen with his hair down and every so often he puts it up in a half updo. whenever the band has a gig, he  exerts a little more effort (even if most of the time it doesn’t pay off).

eye color: brown. (likes colored contacts every now and then)

height: 179 cm

weight: 66 kg

build: lean person, with a good muscular frame.

distinguishing characteristics: two beauty marks right next to each other on his left eyelid.

tattoos: has a full sleeve on his left arm from shoulder down to a little above his wrist and another one his right forearm.

piercings: lobe and upper lobe in both ears, anti-tragus on the left one, double helix on the right, anti-eyebrow and nose on the right side of the face (won’t ever use jewelry during the day though).

clothing style: while he’s working at the stall he has a more casual style consisting of jeans, cargos, pants, button downs, sweaters. likes layering with denim shirts, flannels, jackets, windbreakers over t-shirts, etc. mostly in earthy colors, dark reds and blues, white, gray and black. no matter what though, he will always wear long sleeves, even in the hottest summer days and never roll them up, going to these lengths just to not draw any unnecessary attention. (he’s even gotten a fair amount of rash guards for those occasions when he feels like going for a swim.)

at the bar or at gigs, he’s usually clad in all black or dark tones. sleeveless shirts or those with short sleeves are his go-to, not nearly as concerned to conceal the ink over his arms from the public eye at night. he likes to choose style and comfort when performing, thus splurging a little more on his nightly outfits rather than those he uses on the daily. leather and denim jackets, bombers, sometimes harnesses, jeans in either black or leather, boots, sneakers, muscle shirts, graphic t-shirts, shirts with the first buttons undone and rolled up sleeves in dark, rich colors. style varies from street fashion to grunge to rocker depending on how he feels.  

health

sleeping habits: goes to sleep really late but has no trouble waking up early to go to to work, though for the first couple of hours he’s awake and if he has gotten 4-5 hours only, he’d be kind of silent and unresponsive until getting that first cup of coffee. will likely nap before his shift at the bar only for an hour and a half tops.

eating habits: eats 3 - 4 times a day and gets easily hungry between meals. often seen snacking whatever he can.

exercise habits: doesn’t really exercise much constantly, but on the weekends he likes hiking or running around town.

emotional stability: 6/10

body temperature: average

addictions: none

drug use: experimentally a couple of times, hasn’t done it in a while.

alcohol use: socially, medium-high tolerance.

personality

label: the opaque (unable to be figured out; hiding behind a façade; not transparent.)

positive traits: reliable, responsible, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, thoughtful, generous, creative, passionate, artistic, caring, considerate, devoted.

negative traits: defensive, evasive, cautious, indecisive, defiant, self-doubt, fluctuating self-esteem, conflict-averse, private, self-conscious, sensitive, unpredictable.

hobbies: starting songs he never finishes, watching the same show every year (avatar the last airbender) as well as his comfort movies, cloud/star gazing, jigsaw puzzles, origami, video games, playing guitar sometimes.

habits: knuckle cracking, muttering under his breath, snacking between meals, rubbing hands together, jaw clenching, gesturing while talking, rubbing the back of his neck, running hands through hair, drumming fingers, sings along to songs and sings gibberish for the parts he doesn’t know, doodles on any paper at reach, dozes off when bored/daydreams, bobs his leg while sitting.

zodiac sign: sun capricorn, moon pisces, rising scorpio (read as: impending disaster)

mbti: infp

enneagram: 6w5

temperament: melancholic

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

moral alignment: chaotic good

primary vice: wrath

primary virtue: diligence

element: water

expanded personality

yongguk has a strong tendency to appear quiet and reserved and it might come off as standoffish or easily confused with snoberish, which makes it worse when he doesn’t go out of his way to change this preconception about him. he needs a great deal of personal space, both physically and mentally, and any attempt to control him or forcibly schedule his activities will only strengthen his need for time alone.

he’s responsible, trustworthy and hardworking. relies heavily on his intuition to guide him and knows how to patiently wait as well as how to adapt to any circumstances. in yunhwa, he’s been forced to learn how to interact with the townsfolk and through the years he’s mastered the front he puts on in order to remain below the radar and not get any unnecessary attention; polite, helpful, sometimes even considered as a sweet guy, yongguk has no problem lending a hand to anyone that needs it.

however, in busan, his adaptability is also handy when it comes to dealing with customers. at the same time, it’s in these moments when he feels a little less restrained and allows himself to be less calculative: flirty, playful, sometimes misleading… he’s gotten in several problems because of this and yet he has no plans to stop it anytime soon.

yongguk is a little insecure and with a fluctuating self-esteem: sometimes he’s very well aware and confident on his skills and assets, but other times he will second-guess everything about himself. this combined with an strong fear of failure that stems from poor past decisions, makes him hesitate when it comes to making important calls that could potentially affect his future, but he knows how to play it off… most of the times.

despite appearing simple at a glance, yongguk is more than what meets the eye. friendly but private, polite but passionate about his beliefs, calm and sometimes expressionless. it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings - he actually runs quite deep and strong - it’s just that he conceals them under a mask of politeness because he’s unsure how to deal with them; he’s restrained when it comes to conveying emotion, but has a very deep care for his peers. might be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing himself verbally, but has a wonderful ability to define and reveal what he’s feeling on paper.

yongguk is genuinely interested in understanding others, a good listener, but will exclusively share his sorrows and woes only with the friends he trusts the most, unafraid to display his best and worst with them. his natural intuition allows him to sense the mood without the need of words. however, he can be quite impressionable and be easily influenced by the moods of others, which may often lead him to feel overwhelmed because of this.

incredibly curious, yongguk loves to explore with his hands and his eyes, touching and examining the world around him with cool rationalism and spirited curiosity. he explores ideas through creating, troubleshooting, trial and error and first-hand experience. yongguk can be a challenge to predict, even by the closest people to him. can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but he has a tendency to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking his interests in bold, new directions.

with a good memory, he can recall experiences from the past down to smallest details. this is both good and bad: remembering the good memories is a way to ease himself when in stressful or sad situations, but he’s also prone to dwell on previous mistakes and regret them for a long time.

he’s not consistently angry. will either let the anger build up and release it all at once in an outburst or let it out slowly through small, critical remarks throughout the day. sometimes, both. he’s very difficult when annoyed, but it usually doesn’t last that long. a perfectionistic through and through, his main source of anger usually comes from things not being up to their standards. not good at sparing others’ feelings when he does become irritable. doesn’t like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. in those occasions where he does have to face it, he will approach it from his feelings and mistakenly place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. yongguk will react to the emotions he’s going through and won’t care whether or not he’s right, which makes him appear irrational and illogic.

background (tldr)

his parents work in the field with doctors without borders.

yongguk was born in seoul and lived there for six years before his parents sent him to yunhwa to stay with his grandparents while they went abroad.

seven years passed, his parents would rarely contact them, much less visit them.

in the meantime, his grandma taught him how to play many instruments, being a musician herself and he was enrolled in kwangsook academy.

at thirteen they returned and guk moved with them back to seoul. around this time he became more reserved and quiet, the conversation always focused on his parents achievements and interests.

he made it his goal to become a doctor in hopes of having something in common with them. it was a way to seek their attention and approval.

a year later, a new plan was announced and yongguk was back in yunhwa with his grandparents. he was actually pretty happy about this.

started taking his studies seriously in his junior year of high school, going to the extent of dropping music and every other altogether.

he successfully managed to get into pusan national university, school medicine.

however, the whole experience was something he wasn’t ready for at all. for a year and half he struggled to keep up with his classmates and was utterly ashamed to compare his simple goal of wanting to get closer to his parents to the drive of everyone else.

he drops out after talking with his grandfather, a successful doctor himself.

initially excited to get the chance of truly discovering what he wanted to do, a single call from his father deterred his enthusiasm. he was supposed to return to yunhwa, instead he decided to move in with a friend and stay in busan… where everything goes downhill.

at only twenty and under the fake pretense that he’d get his act together, he allows himself to make mistakes and act recklessly, secretly wishing that’d be enough to get his parents attention.

he found temporary jobs all around busan and never lasted too long, but he still made money and that’s the only thing he really cared about at the moment. things aren’t great, but they aren’t that bad, or so he tells himself.

at twenty one, he gets a full sleeve on his left arm as well as many piercings. a couple of weeks after this, his grandparents decided to pay him a surprise visit and the state of his apartment as well as life… is not optimal.

coincidence or not, his parents video called them at that moment. it was the first time he heard from them in a year, and it was the last time as well.

seems like only his appearance was enough to finally trigger some sort of emotion from his father, but it wasn’t really the kind he was looking for. it was anger and he could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. a heated argument ensues, one that ends with “you’re not our son anymore.”

perhaps it came a little too late, but it was the much needed wake up call to get his act together. not in order to mend the relationship with his parents, he knew that’d be impossible. but more so, for himself.

he perks up at a suggestion from his grandmother, one that was about a long forgotten hobby of his: photography. he remembers an old shoe box filled with polaroids and undeveloped films under his bed.

thus, he stays in busan after enrolling in a community college for a year-long photography class. around this time, one of his aunts offered him a job as a bartender in her bar and since then he’s been helping her every now and then. he says it’s for extra money, but in reality is a way to repay her from hiring him when no one else would.

after he was done with his course and had saved enough money to get a decent camera, he decided it was time to go back to yunhwa.

he returned three years ago. luckily, his reputation there remained intact and he wanted it to stay that way thus hiding the ink on his skin with long sleeves and removing the jewelry whenever he was outside.

yongguk moved back with his grandparents, this time to help them out and take care of his grandmother who started to get a little ill. he picked up playing and making music after finding his long abandoned drum set in the garage.

with the help of his grandfather, he opened his very own stall called “kodachrome” where he takes photos for ids, sells prints of his own work (mostly of yunhwa’s scenery) as well as books sessions for photoshoots.

a year and half ago, however, he had to find a new place. his grandparents decided to retire and move to jeju. thankfully, he managed to get a deal to rent a house from one of his grandma’s friends. the house was a little too big thus he decided to post an ad online looking for roommates to share the space and ease the expenses.

in the present, yongguk is still running his stall and getting contacted every blue moon by small influencers and event planners looking for his services. three nights a week, he goes back to busan to work for his aunt at the bar and every other night he has gigs with a band, which was randomly created after having far too many drinks with his roommates.

background (full)

tw: mentions of needles, tattoos, substances but nothing too graphic.

ae yongguk was the name given to you and and your endearing smiles as well as adorable dimples seemed to be more than enough to have everyone coddling and cosseting you from the get-go. nonetheless, permanency was never on your parents’ agenda. by the time you turned six, they moved away and you were shoved into your grandparents’ household in yunhwa.

it’s difficult to comprehend the sudden change, being told that you’d be living with them for some time. how much? they don’t specify, but the next thing you know is that you’re wordlessly bidding goodbye to your parents, who promised to write and come back for you soon. they didn’t. being part of doctors without borders and making it their goal to offer medical aid where it’s needed most, they put their humanitarian labor before parenthood.

the first letter you got arrived eight months after they left. there’s disappointment and there’s also heartbreak, but they don’t last long. you don’t allow them to regardless of your young age. instead, you focus on how your grandfather, despite having severe and strict ways, squeezed your shoulder and offered the small smile that you know all too well now. or how your grandmother, a renowned musician, didn’t hesitate to shower you in unconditional love. your education didn’t cease and your grandfather immediately enrolled you at kwangsook academy.

one of your most prominent traits is how transparent you are with your emotions and your grandmother easily learnt to read this. it was no surprise that the first time you saw her playing a beautiful song on her baby grand and your irises sparkled with curiosity, she immediately beckoned you closer. “hi, my love.” the elderly woman greeted while shifting a little so you could take a seat beside her. you meet her eyes and you wonder if she’s looking for anything by the time an easy smile appears on her face. “do you like music?” you’re unable to respond, but she must’ve seen something because, after that, she started teaching you the basics of piano. a couple of days later, she asked again and this time around, the answer naturally slipped out of your mouth: i love it.

for your regular classes, you were constant and responsible. sure, you enjoyed learning, but your interest wasn’t inherently there. it was just something you had to do. however, when it came to that newfound love for music of yours, you were the one with the initiative to ask for more lessons and practice whenever you had free time; first the piano, later the guitar and a couple of years later you made the stubborn decision to learn the drums.

it was nice staying in yunhwa, it brought you a comforting sense of belonging. it was the beginning of finding your own voice; discovering your likes and dislikes, some of your talents and even the chance of making friends. however, there was always a lingering question in the back of your mind and a deep sadness you rarely showed: when are my parents coming back?

they do, but only for a short period of time.

you had only turned thirteen, but the moment you saw them you were but an excited kid, joyously yelling and running to hug them, but they greeted you rather… frivolously. you try to ignore the breach between you and them, which you felt the most when you were holding your mother’s hand; her skin a couple of degrees colder than your grandma’s. they ask how you were doing and, in your frenzy, you start talking about everything that’s happened all this time only to be interrupted; the voice you were starting to grow inevitably drowned in the sea of their own achievements and stories.

it’s then that they tell you they’d move to seoul and you’re to go with them. apparently, with the intention to settle down and give it a go to having a normal family. you say goodbye to your grandparents, and unlike your mom and dad, the promises of staying in touch with them are real.

you were silent and reserved around your parents. you had to after learning that no matter what you tried to tell them, the conversation always ended being about what interested them. for a while you pretended to be okay with it, but soon you started wishing they paid as much attention to you as they did to their cause. it made you think that, by immersing yourself in that world, you might be able to keep them interested long enough or make them proud, and your very own obsession to become a doctor started right there. simple questions that had your parents perk up are what made you believe that your plan isn’t too far fetched.

luckily, you were able to retreat to your music whenever everything became too overwhelming, but even this wasn’t enough to stop an ever growing beast called dissatisfaction from making your chest its home. it increases in size and sometimes it’s so big that you’re unable to keep it in your ribcage, coming to light with rebellious little acts such as not doing your homework or bluntly strumming your guitar late at night. eventually, unspoken words and jumbled thoughts find their way into old notebooks full of an amateur’s unfinished songs.

it’s exactly a year later that they announced their new plans of moving to the other side of the world, plans that didn’t take you into consideration at all. it was disappointing, but not really surprising. still, you were able to comprehend the nature of their jobs, after all they were brilliant doctors and only a handful were willing to offer the assistance your parents did. you stop expecting things to change after the farewells you exchanged with them. you wished them the best and truly meant it.

going back to yunhwa at fourteen is something you anticipate; your grandmother welcomed you with your favorite food and your grandfather with a blank notebook. “for your songs, son” he said with that smile of his, learning about this new hobby of yours from one of the many mails you sent them. both were happy about your return and helped you pick up your studies where you last left them.

it’s in your junior year at high school when you truly get serious about your studies, medical school was your single goal. even though you’ve come to terms with the relationship you had with your parents, a hopeful part of you genuinely believed that becoming a doctor would help breach the distance.

and so you do, dropping music altogether and every other hobby that “needlessly” consumed your time and energy. it was admittedly exhausting and you were obviously miserable without playing any instrument. the sleepless nights and the isolation you brought upon yourself paid off the moment you received the news of your acceptance at pusan national university. that very night, you got a call from your parents congratulating you.

for the next year and a half, however, things prove to be extremely challenging when you find yourself amongst thousands of students whose drive and ambition is stronger than simply wanting to get close to their parents. it’s shameful, you admit and the constant pressure as well as the competitive environment soon takes a toll on you, but it was much needed for you to start questioning everything; yourself, your goals and if it was really what you wanted.

the person who helps you to fully come to this realisation is none other than your grandfather, another renowned doctor in your family. it’s shocking to hear him encouraging you to drop out and follow your dreams. truth is you were far too concerned chasing after a hopeless goal than to craft ambitions and dreams for yourself. still, you follow his advice even when you are completely at loss about what the next step would be.

if news of your acceptance travelled fast, so did the news of your departure. you got a call shortly after and all you heard was “we’re very disappointed” followed by radio silence before your father hung up. you were nineteen, about to turn twenty, when they last talked to you.

their silence becomes one of your many excuses to make mistakes and act recklessly; if your good behaviour and your previous little act didn’t catch their attention, this surely will. it’s your shield against the disapproval in your grandfather’s eyes, and that very shield is what stops him from stopping you. even when you told him you wouldn’t return to yunhwa, instead moving to one of your friend’s apartment in the heart of busan.

it’s amusing how easily your grandfather believes your fake promises of trying to get your life together and you feel awful for being such a good liar. you find decent jobs, but never stay too long. unnecessary fights with customers or blatant irresponsibility are the main reasons that force you to find a new one every couple of weeks. you’ve been many things: a busser, a server, even a mascot. you didn’t mind much as long as you were paid.

you willingly dive into a void filled with indulgence and bad decisions. all in order to not think, to not dwell on the future. you used every situation you could possibly get yourself into as a distractor from the painful reality. you were lost, so utterly lost.

twenty one comes around and you decide that, for the first time ever, you’re going to gift yourself something. a permanent work of art, its canvas your skin.

three monthly salaries were spent on black and red ink which reminded you of your favorite place. the needle pierces your skin once, twice, hundred times until your arm is almost fully covered… maybe it was a metaphor, a feeble attempt to display something bright and wonderful on someone who otherwise had long lost every trace of that. it was not enough and a couple of piercings follow in trying to beautify the sheer mess you’ve made of yourself.

some nights you question your own strength and sanity. you used to be pristine, someone to be proud of and an exemplary resident of the town you fondly call home. you were constant, had talent and a midas touch that turned meaningless words into beautiful songs, scribbles onto paper into melodies that had every listener humming along.

what happened to you, boy? says a voice in your head… or is it from your chest? is it the dissatisfaction you’ve tried to keep locked for years? all it took was to be called a disappointment once for you to willingly become one?

it consumes you and every passing day it becomes louder, but you’re stubborn and simply take it as a challenge to find new ways to drown it. headachingly loud music, poisonous substances, liquid trust or the ecstasy under someone’s fingertips… the city swallows you whole and provides you with momentary sweet oblivion but… is the aftermath of impeding remorse worth it? it is, you convince yourself while running back into it’s arms night after night.

one day, without warning, three knocks come onto your door and when you’re about to curse whoever disrupted your game, you’re met with your grandparents. your appearance is deplorable; bloodshot eyes, greasy hair and alarming signs of lack of proper sleep. it hurt to see your grandmother, as crystal clear as you wear, worried and at loss of words. a thing the city taught you was to be a pretender and so you ignore every sign of concern in their faces while smiling at them. “long time no see!” you say cheerfully.

it’s a quiet visit. they don’t know what to tell you or where to start, and neither do you feel a need to fill the awkward silence when your grandfather’s phone went off. he answers without thinking to a videocall and the voice that greets him has you freezing on your spot. father. your face falls and your eyes widen in obvious panic when he asks about you. the older man in the room seems to be equally as frantic as you when he glances at you, taking in how you look before your father speaks again.

“oh, is yongguk there? let me talk to him.” his authoritative tone was enough to have your grandfather turning the phone towards you. it’s late, far too late to fix yourself or even try to hide the glaringly bright red ink on your arm. so, in your frenzy, you decide to play cynical. what else could you lose, right? “hey, dad.” you greet with a shameless smile upon your lips. “your timing is as impeccable as ever.”

the argument that ensues forces you to retreat to your room and you thank whatever universal force that your roommate decided to have a weekend-long trip. it’s a heated fight, and you realize midway through that this is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with your father. why is it that the most display of emotion you get from him is when you don’t follow his ridiculous standards? he gets louder, so do you and it escalates to irreversible words. the last thing he says is “you’re not our son anymore” followed by silence.

then you laugh.

you laugh over the irony of an absent father saying such a thing. you laugh because you don’t want to allow him see you hurting. you laugh at how fucked up the whole situation is. “doesn’t make a difference, does it?” you say between unabashed chuckles. “not like you ever acted like a father, anyway.” and you hang up, your legs giving in and only then did you notice that your whole body had been shaking this whole time.

you muffle a scream on a pillow while feeling so alone and like the butt of the cruelest joke. you want to hate your father and your mother. you want to despise them for their horrible behavior. instead, you find yourself crying like an abandoned kid wanting, yearning for the love that wasn’t given to him. you want to run, to disappear, to hide where no one can find you.

then, two arms wraps around you and even though your grandmother is a little smaller than you, you find yourself feeling protected under her embrace. shortly after comes a pat on your head from your grandfather. you look up at those brown eyes full of wisdom and, when he tells you “everything will be okay, son.” you wholeheartedly believe him

because, a year later, things started looking up.

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @bysodas

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are pluto, venus and the moon. you are a very intense person, you have strong feelings and you're extremely empathetic. you're able to read others instantly, it's like a talent of yours. you're also a very romantic person who strives for peace and balance, you like equality and you hate injustices and conflicts. you're also very creative and you have artistic interests.

your dominant sign is libra. you're overall a peaceful person, you try to avoid conflicts if possible, even though sometimes you could have a sharp tongue. you're a romantic person, maybe too much. you hold unrealistic expectations of people, hence you often get disappointed when things don't turn out the way you thought. you're able to see both sides of an argument, and that's both good and bad. in fact, you're very objective, and most probably your opinions are right; yet, it may be annoying for people that are venting to you, as you could constantly point out their mistakes, even though you don't do it out of malice.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking for knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in scorpio, 25° / 3rd decan ruled by pluto and the moon

your scorpio rising makes you quite pessimistic; you see the world as a place full of dangers and malice, hence it’s hard for you to trust people. this may be translated through fear; you’re either scared of other people, and hence you look more vulnerable, or maybe you’re the one who prefers to look intimidating to avoid problems. I don’t think you look unapproachable, though. there are other placements in your chart that say the opposite, so I imagine you project an image of yourself that makes you look quite naive. you can sense others’ emotions very well, so they have no secrets for you. you can perceive any single emotion in people just by looking in their eyes. while this is good, as you understand who’s best for you and you’re aware of the dangers you may face, scorpio risings tend to take advantage of this and be a little manipulative. this awareness of the world makes you look mysterious and secretive, as if you always know something more than others (and you probably do). pluto is also the planet of transformation, and you might experience a lot of rebirths throughout your life, both physically and emotionally. you might lose/have lost a big amount of weight, for example, which makes you look like a different person. or maybe, you like dying your hair of a different colour, giving you a different vibe. you wish you could be softer and show your inner emotions more easily, as scorpio is a water sign. the thing is, since it’s a fixed sign, it’s hard for you to be flexible and adapt to changes. when they happen, they’re usually out of your control as they’re literally life-changing. physically, I see you having a square face with high cheekbones. overall, your bones are very prominent and you’re naturally skinny. your eyes are extremely magnetic, and they could also be quite big and/or round. you might have either very pale skin, or just an olive skintone. sometimes, even a mix of both. your hair, eyebrows and lashes are very thick and dark too. you're at least of average height, and you may be conventionally beautiful: you may have full lips with a defined cupid's bow, long eyelashes and doe eyes.

🌞 sun in libra, 7° / 1st decan ruled by venus

this is the most romantic and kind-hearted libra decan. you are very intuitive, you understand others’ real feelings very easily. you’re very polite and mannered, you have this innate elegance about you that could make people jealous. you may even come off as snob. even though you may look flaky at first, once people get to know you you’re actually very reliable and trust-worthy, as you are a person of strong morals. you may unconsciously manipulate people, but you don’t do it with malice. in fact, you’re probably not even aware of it most of the times. you’re reserved, and you don’t like being the centre of attention, despite craving compliments. nonetheless, you still like getting to know new people; you’re the type to know everyone, but you may struggle to find actual best friends, as your bonds with people are quite undeveloped and superficial. you have a nice sense of humor, and you may rely on sarcasm a lot. you’re also the type that doesn’t like to accept her mistakes. probably, when you were a child you used to scream 'it’s not my fault!’ in every occasion. in life, you strive for equality and fairness. for example, you don’t want to give less than someone else, you would feel guilty about it. at the same time, you don’t want to be the one that gives more either; you’re afraid that people could take advantage of you. therefore, balance is what you find the most pleasant.

libra sun square capricorn mars: you’re extremely passionate about the things you love, you strive to be perfect at them, and your perfectionist, libra nature confirms this. this could make you quite competitive, as your libra sun wants to succeed and be always right. I feel like you don’t really enjoy being in the spotlight; you’d rather avoid conflicts, or at least not be the center of them. yet, sometimes it’s hard for you not be aggressive. I don’t think it happens often, but you can be very blunt and rude if someone truly gets on your nerves. this, paired up with your aquarius mercury, makes you sort of dramatic. as long as you don’t react like this too often, I don’t think it’s a big issue though.

libra sun square cancer jupiter: this is a hard aspect, which could make you feel even more proud of yourself due to your scorpio rising. you may feel like the universe is constantly against you, especially with your pessimistic capricorn mars. you may feel unlucky, or even overindulge in things you like to cope with sadness or anger. you may have the tendency to overeat, buy useless things etc. you go from having a low self-esteem, to even looking very bossy without even realizing it. you struggle to keep your identity balanced, even though you might have not been aware of it at first. to achieve fortune and joy in life, you need to work hard for it. to do so, you have to learn your karmic lessons in this lifetime, which probably revolve around your love life, your relationships with others and their impact on your life.

🌙 moon in pisces, 17° / 2nd decan ruled by neptune and the moon

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist. you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

pisces moon opposite virgo venus: there are contrasting feelings in your relationships with others; after all, your pisces moon wants to commit to someone and be affectionate with them. on the other hand, your virgo venus wants to be independent. you don't want to feel tied to someone, you still need your independency. those two desires of yours probably contrast each other, stressing you out. you want a calm, almost boring relationship, but with this placement you can't seem to have one. your feelings and self-esteem may depend a lot on your relationships, not only with your lovers, but also with your friends. if someone isn't loyal to you, you immediately start blaming yourself. in your life you may lack intimacy, and while it may make you feel better at first, based on the rest of your chart you actually need someone on your side. you can't do everything on your own. it's very challenging, especially since your 7th house saturn makes you reluctant to intimacy, but you need to find someone that projects your ideals of love. if you need a free-spirit, go look for one. it may take you a while, but if you learn all the lessons you need to learn from your breakups, you'll be able to live a peaceful life with your spouse.

pisces moon square gemini saturn: you tend to hide your emotions under a severe, strict mask. the way you approach others is influenced by your sense of defensiveness, making you lack genuinity. this comes from a fear of intimacy and dealing with your inner, deeper self. it's like you're hiding from your own emotions, so of course you will never be able to express them properly if you're not aware of them. to learn saturn’s lessons, you need to overcome your trust issues. find someone you truly trust and open up to them; it’s only a small step, but once you become more comfortable with someone else, you’ll start feeling better in your own shoes too, trust me.

pisces moon square sagittarius pluto: your emotions are so intense that they almost scare those around you. in fact, you're prone to accentuated mood swings; when you're happy, you start smiling and laughing joyfully. when you're sad, you're the type to cry, scream, even throw up in some cases. that's how far you go with your emotions. maybe, you also feel repressed to express your feelings exactly for this reason. you probably also have a conservative/possessive mother (or just any member of your family), with whom you don't feel at ease expressing your emotions. or maybe, your mother was absent throughout your life. on the other hand, you can understand others' feelings, but be careful not to use it to manipulate others. you could also be very paranoid, and might develop addictions and anxiety disorders, especially with your gemini moon. if you don't feel comfortable speaking to someone you know and there's something you need to talk about, I'd suggest you to do it with a psychologist. don't be afraid to face your emotions, you'll only be able to control them if you get know them.

🗣 mercury in libra, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and mercury

you're very diplomatic! you always try to be nice and gentle with your words, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. your tone of voice is extremely soft, sometimes it could even be hard to understand what you say, as you could naturally have a low voice. you're extremely balanced, you have amazing problem-solving skills as you're able to see both side of an argument. it's natural for you to understand what's right and what isn't, and most of the times you're actually right. when you're with someone you're not really close to, you could even be the accommodating type who allows others to speak over your voice, or maybe you let others speak first as a gesture of kindness. I feel like with your pluto dominance you have very strong opinions, and you're actually particularly proud of them. luckily, this placement makes you able to communicate them with diplomacy. you could often get angry if someone tries to prove you wrong, but aside from that, you try to be very elegant and formal when you speak. you're probably not fond of cursing, or at least you try to appear as mannered as possible with people you're not comfortable around. last but not least, you're such a charismatic, smooth talker that you result very persuasive. you're able to trick people with your words, which appear very diplomatic and calm.

❤️ venus in virgo, 11° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and saturn

in your group of friends you’re most probably the late bloomer, especially with your saturn being in the 7th house, the house of marriage and relationships. in fact, it probably took you a while to experience romance. that’s because love isn’t your priority, even though you crave emotional affection and security. you’re not the type to fall for someone at first sight, you’re only into people that are willing to commit to you. you seek a partner that is hard-working and takes care of themselves, both physically and mentally but, at the same time, that would only look at you. it could take you some time to feel totally comfortable around your partner, but once you trust them, you’ll stay with them for a while. it’s hard for you to show your love with words, hence you do it with little gestures. you probably remember stuff like their birthday, their favorite food etc., and you wouldn’t mind receiving the same kind of affection back. when it comes to love, you’re not a risk-taker; you probably prefer being courted rather than court others, and if you do it, you make sure that the other person likes you back. you enjoy helping others, you’re the type of friend or lover that wouldn’t hesitate to do favors. yet, you want to be appreciated, otherwise you may just feel used. you may be quite hard to satisfy, but you’re surely very loyal.

virgo venus square gemini saturn: you feel unable to love someone. this placement usually brings fear of committing, causing the individual to be flaky. there are two possibilities; I assume you directly avoid to get into relationships. your mind may unconsciously repress any thought about an eventual crush or love interest. it is caused by your insecurity, especially regarding your looks. or perhaps, it’s the other way around: you literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. you could feel pressured to be in a relationship, even though it’s not your priority. in my readings I don’t generally talk about easy aspects, but I wanted to point this out as it may help you dealing with your low self-esteem; you have very strong libra/venusian influence in your chart. if you’re struggling with image issues, you shouldn’t; you’re definitely beautiful. even if not conventionally, you still have charm and charisma that make others stare. don’t be afraid of not being enough, because you are. but if you don’t realize it first, others won’t. you have to be your own healer, you’re totally capable of doing that.

virgo venus square sagittarius pluto: when you seriously fall for someone, they’re your only thought. you start searching for info about them online, and you wanna become part of their life too. you love intensely, but not everyone may enjoy that. there are people that could feel overwhelmed by your love, others that would vibe with you and offer you the same kind of affection. ironically, you tend to attract detached, free-spirited people that most of the times don’t want anything serious. you’re prone to get jealous and possessive very easily, and this makes you suffer, as you may think there’s something wrong with you. maybe, it may even remind you of something that happened during your childhood, perhaps your parents were also very protective of you. love for you is a constant grow; your relationships will be hard, but there’ll always be something to learn to improve yourself and your confidence. little side-note, you may often date karmic partners, aka partners from your past lives, so you may often experience this 'I’ve already seen you before’-vibe in your new encounters and relationships, and you’ll always learn something from all your relationships.

☄️ mars in capricorn, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by saturn and venus

you're very patient, yet you can also get scary when you want. you're a serious competitor, as your mind is very strategic. your ambition makes you want to be the best wherever you are, and you may actually overwork yourself to achieve your goals. establishing your status is important for you. you may not be the type to act instantly, you prefer taking your time to follow a plan. in fact, you probably write down what you have to do in an agenda, or even in your phone's notes app. you have this strong sense of duty, as you feel 100% responsible of your fate. you're sure that, if you don't work hard, you don't deserve success and recognition. in fact, you don't take orders from others, you are your own boss. you could have materialistic tendencies, as wealth is what motivates you the most to work or just take action in general. you may often experience burnouts, as capricorn, especially in mars, brings intense workaholic tendencies.

capricorn mars opposite cancer jupiter: you may often experience 'almost winner' situations. in fact, it seems like there's always something or someone who tries to get into your way, succeeding. you most probably have some karmic lessons to learn, especially regarding violence. maybe, in your past life you were so blunt that you hurt someone very deeply. you might have been a bully, or maybe you were the one bullied or even abused. you've got a hot temper, and the worst thing is that you hold onto anger for a quite a bit, especially since your pisces moon makes you bottle all of your feelings up. there are lessons you need to learn in this lifetime, exactly regarding these issues. probably, you may find yourself having enemies, or just people misunderstanding you in general. that's caused exactly by this karmic placement. it's something that you should be able to solve with time and with awareness of the meaning of your words, but also with will. I assume that you're either blindly optimistic or the opposite, you always think everything's going down. be more realistic, and use things like astrology, meditation etc. to find out what's going in your mind. it'll be the key to finally understand how to act, since you'd finally have a clear vision of the world. you're very spiritual, you just need to embrace your higher self.

🏠 houses

your 1st house is in scorpio. you fulfill your ego when you deal with intense situations that satify your needs. that is, you find strenght in getting out of your comfort-zone. even though you may be afraid of it. as a result, you may often have to overcome challenges and traumas throughout this lifetime. you’re an enigma: you know everything about others, but others know nothing about you. it’s your way to protect yourself from eventual enemies, as you’re prone to have a few of them throughout your life. you are probably also very charismatic, you have a strong aura to you that almost makes you look intimidating. you certainly don't go overlooked, and because of that you may often attract jealousy and malice from other people, as they want what you naturally have. you also have chiron in this house; your deepest insecurity is probably the way you look. you might've been bullied for your appearance for example, and hence you probably struggle with low self-esteem. physically, you may also have some sort of wound or scar on your body, maybe a birth mark for example.

your 2nd house is in sagittarius. you tend to overindulge in 2nd house matters, hence you may spend too much money, you could overeat, or even overestimate your own skills. you have an exaggerated vision of yourself, and considering your chiron in the 1st house I assume that you underestimate your worth way too much. since you spend so much, you may find yourself lacking money from time to time, therefore be careful to how you spend them. you also have mars placed in this house: you may base your life too much on your financial possibilities. for instance, let’s suppose you want to start writing a book. you may start writing it only if you’re certain that you’re going to be paid for it, you don’t your efforts to go to waste, and hence you may often be quite materialistic. at least, you’re very stubborn, so you can be an hard-worker when you truly care about something you want to complete or achieve. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 8th house: the best way for you to earn money is working, and providing service to others in general. if you’re generous, people may thank you for that with material things. you may also earn money through spirituality, hence you could be a tarot reader, a psychologist, an astrologer, etc. this is also a placement that indicates that others may give you money easily, you could find lots of jobs that pay you well, and you may even receive an inheritance.

your 3rd house is in capricorn. you enjoy listing and talking about your duties and goals. you’re the type to write down your tasks in your agenda, e.g. tidying up your room, feeding your plants etc. the problem with this placement is that you may struggle to take action, and procrastinate. or maybe, you could do the opposite and overwork yourself. no inbetween. also, when you were a child you probably started speaking later than other kids, or you speak so fast that you end up stuttering. uranus and neptune are also sitting in this house: you are extremely creative, you are able to come up with very innovative ideas easily. the downside is that you may sometimes end up sounding a bit like a know-it-all when stating your opinions, as you're very passionate about them. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 11th house: you always try to be very friendly when you speak, and as a result you are very charismatic. you may have lots of friends, especially in school, and they may live in the same city as you.

your 4th house is in pisces, with also the moon placed there. when you were a child you used to be very shy and introverted. you probably didn't like socializing and making new friends, you were fine drawing by yourself. you used to be a very artistic child, you probably loved drawing, watching cartoons, listening to music, etc. you most likely had a creative hobby. it's also likely that you used to sleep and daydream a lot. perhaps you used to distract easily, and as a result people would scold you often for not listening. your moon is also in your 4th house: you are probably very attached to your childhood and to your family as well. this is basically the ultimate introvert placement, you probably hate leaving your house. you crave comfort, even if you have to stay with your friends you prefer staying inside rather than go outdoors. this placement also points out that you most likely have a nice relationship with your parents especially with your mother, she's probably very empathetic and there's a strong bond between you two. you understand each other very well.

your 5th house is in aries. when it comes to hobbies, you need something that stimulates you. since aries rules movement, you may have hobbies that require you to move your body, such as working out, swimming... any kind of sport. you may also be into dancing, to say something more on the creative side, or maybe you're into acting. you may also like things that challenge you, you like winning races, you gain pride in that. the problem with this placement is that you may move on very fast. for instance, let's suppose you want to sew your own clothes; you may buy all the necessary to start, but eventually you get tired and you don't finish anything, you end up scrapping all of your projects. same thing goes for relationships; you may get bored easily, but you're certainly not the type to cheat on others. you may just fall for people easily and fall out of love just as fast.

your 6th house is in taurus. this placement makes you very stable and practical when it comes to work. you're certainly a very responsible person who strives to be the best at everything she does. as I've already mentioned above in other houses, you're probably very organized, you like making plans and schedules as they help you dealin with your routine. the downside to this placement is that you may end up choosing a job that isn't exactly good for your finances; in fact, since taurus is about luxury and your chart ruler is jupiter, the planet of abundance, you may choose a career that pleases you mentally rather than financially. for instance, let's suppose you like painting. you may decide to become an artist, even though it could mean that you may struggle financially. you'd rather follow your passion than feeling stuck in something that you don't like. taurus is also ruled by venus, and as a result you may end up dating people from your workplace, or perhaps you're going to meet your future spouse at work, as your 7th house is ruled by taurus as well. regarding your health you may often suffer from diseases to your voice and throat area and to your thyroid.

your 7th house is in taurus. in a marriage you seek security, both emotional and financial. you want a loyal partner that would never do anything to hurt you, and that has a wealthy job as well. intimacy and trust also matter a lot for you in a long-term relationship. your relationships are very pleasant, you may have very loving partners throughout your life and you won’t have a bad memory of them when you break up. in particular, this placement also indicates that you’re going to have a very satisfying and peaceful marriage, even though saturn's presence here may make things a little bit more challenging. you may often attract people with good looks, as venus rules beauty, but also wealthy people, and you could possibly make money thanks to other people. you may marry someone rich, or maybe your future job will involve other people, and hence you’re going to earn money by helping someone else. as for your 7th house saturn, this placement makes you very patient with other people, you could be the type to give other possibilities to others for example. saturn in the 7th house may also manifest in a lack of romanticism in an individual, but I don’t think it’s totally your case. I assume that you are quite romantic, but exactly because of your romanticism, you tend to get very picky. you want your partner to meet your ideals of perfection, and hence you may often end up not dating anyone, or being let down by your own lovers. actually, you could even be afraid of love, especially because there could be a lot of karma around your relationships. you could have to experience lots of hardships throughout your love life, but they’ll help you become more mature. it’s also recommended to get married after your saturn return with this placement, hence after your 27/28 years.

your 8th house is in gemini, with also jupiter placed there. you may frequently find yourself thinking about and studying occult/taboo topics, such as paranormal events, thrillers, tarots, astrology etc. you’re interested in finding out the truth, not only among your peers but in the whole world. you have a desire that all the malice that is hiding behind the government etc. gets exposed, even though you may be so interested in them that you could get used to it and end up overlooking them. in addition, you may also have quite a big sex drive, especially with jupiter being in this house, but due to your 7th house saturn you may end up repressing your feelings because you’re quite shy. this is something that is going to slowly disappear after your 30 years, especially thanks to jupiter being also in this house. with more maturity, you’ll start feeling way more comfortable with this side of yourself, you won’t be afraid anymore.

your 9th house is in cancer. someone close, important and intimate with you may teach you the biggest lessons in your life. you could also live abroad with your family, or become a teacher in a daycare/primary school. you have a knack for philosophy, and you may be interested in foreign culture, music, fashion etc. you probably hardly ever have prejudices, you don’t judge a book from its cover, as you are very supportive of others. you probably despise racism, homophobia and any kind of discrimination that doesn’t bring justice. you may also be particularly interested in studying, especially philosophy, literature, but also foreign cultures. you could be skilled or at least interested in foreign languages as well.

your 10th house is in virgo, with also venus as your most elevated planet. people with a virgo in the 10th house's cusp are very responsible and work-oriented. they generally don’t leave much room for fun and amusement, but the presence of venus here may change this a bit. you do have a strong sense of duty, but you don’t overwork yourself. you’re able to find balance between work and hobbies, and that’s obviously great. yet, you may sometimes procrastinate in your day-to-day life. that can possibly cause you issues in your career; you may be indecisive about your future path for example, or you could even not be much precise in your work. you want to earn a great income from your job, you aspire to be wealthy, and luckily with your virgo midheaven you probably don’t lack ambition. yet, as I’ve already mentioned in the previous sections, you shouldn’t procrastinate nor be lazy, you should break free from your limitations and work hard to visualize and achieve your goals, or it may be hard for you to have a stable career life. you may be attracted to artistic careers, such as designing for example, or even stuff like food. you could be a singer, a rapper, a writer… even a therapist or a counsealor, as well as an actor or comedian. you would do well at a variety of things to be honest! but make sure that you understand who you want to be.

your 11th house is in libra, with also your sun and mercury placed there. libra in the 11th house makes you very friendly! even if you're introverted, you still try to be as considerate as possible with others. you like human interactions, even though you probably don't fancy big events like parties. you're also very charismatic, even if you may be afraid to be in the spotlight you still attract all the attention on you. you most likely have a very striking apperance, aura and / or personality that makes you stand out from the crowd. even though you may face some insecurities, you’re typically a strong-minded person. you strive for independence, as you focus your existence on your witty intellect. you have the ability to achieve great things, as your mind is literally revolutionary, even though you may struggle to make those projects concrete. a downside to this placement is that you may not give enough importance to your words; you’re very honest, and you may unintentionally hurt someone with your thoughts, even though this energy is probably less prominent thanks to libra being in the cusp of the house. you’re also quite stubborn, and you take particular pride about your ideals. you may feel offended when people disagree with you.

your 12th house is in scorpio. this is another placement that indicates that you crave intense, life-changing bonds, but that you also tame them. you're afraid of being betrayed, and hence you just end up repressing your feelings. on the other hand, this placement makes you extremely spiritual. you may be attracted to the occult or any spiritual topic: astrology, tarots, even spirits. and, since the ruler of the 12th house, pluto, is in the 1st house, you may use these tools to get to know yourself more. you can become aware of your karmic issues thanks to astrology for example, and use it to finally solve and break free from your limitations. it's important for you to get closer to your spiritual, higher self in this lifetime. it will probably make your life much easier.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract taurus, aries, leo, capricorn, aquarius. your future spouse is probably going to have prominent leo and / or 5th house placements, as well as fire and earth dominance. they could also be a leo - virgo cusp. they’ll be very intelligent and talkative, they are most likely a sociable person but they also value alone time. you may meet them in a place where you can eat, hence at a restaurant, at a bar, etc. anywhere where people usually hang out, you may meet them in your free time. you could also meet them online, maybe through social media or on a dating app. your children are probably going to have prominent pisces placements, or at least they’ll have aries/fire traits: they’ll be very assertive, hard-working and playful, yet they may also develop a rebel/emo attitude during their teenage years. they could be a bit immature at times, but they're going to have a golden heart.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably very affectionate, and she has a strong role in your life. she loves being spoiled and appreciated, together with receiving attention. yet, she could sometimes be quite moody as she's very emotional, but deep down she’s very romantic and mannered. she may have pisces placements, or any water / 12th house placement in general. your father is a bit colder than your mother, and he might be a virgo or have any type of air/earth placement in his chart. your father could be very logical and work-oriented, sometimes even strict. yet, he also has a very sweet and romantic side to him that he may struggle to let out. he could possibly also have taurus placements. if you have siblings, they’re probably capricorn / pisces / aquarius. it could be that when you were younger you weren't that close, maybe you used to argue often due to petty things, but now you have an amazing relationship together.

📊 career

with your venus conjunct your midheaven, any career that revolves around creativity and self-expression would be ideal for you!! in fact, you may have some sort of creative talent, such as writing, acting, dancing, singing, etc. in general, this placement also indicates that you may earn an income from a hobby of yours, and so it doesn’t necessarily have to be something creative. for instance, let’s suppose you’re into psychology. you’d definitely be successful as a psychologist, and there are actually lots of placements in your chart that make it a suitable job for you. possibly, you could even work with food, or perhaps you may work in a field related to money, so you may find a job in a bank. you’ll also get to travel a lot, and you’ll probably interact with other people as well. because of that, you would also make a good teacher, or maybe a translator for instance.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

I imagine you put a lot of effort into your outifts, yet you don’t show it. you want to look effortlessly good, you don’t want to give the impression that you tried. your style may be quite minimalistic and simple, with lots of jeans, sweatshirts, plain t-shirts… I see you being more into natural shades, like white, grey, beige etc. you’re also not very fond of using too many accessories, you’re stylish but still very simple. you have this natural charm to you, hence you still look good even though your outfits may not be too complex. you could as well be fond of high quality, possibly designer clothes.

👁 past life, life purpose

during your past life, you probably didn’t have as many challenges as in this life. you most likely used to be very independent and stable; perhaps, you were rich, hence you didn’t really need to rely on others to survive. in this lifetime, you need to put your independency aside, you need to trust people and develop strong bonds with them. your path to luck and abundance may be long and steep, but you may achieve great personal success in this lifetime thanks to your relationships with others. you just need to work on your self-esteem and have stable finances without being too materialistic, you shouldn’t over-indulge. money is important, but you probably won't struggle with that in this lifetime, so focus on feeling comfortable with others. you may be meant to marry someone rich, or perhaps you're going to get an inheritance.

🤔 major transits analysis / april 18th

you could be feeling a bit confused. with transit saturn being conjunct your natal neptune, you may be feeling constantly sleepy or perhaps sleep-deprived. you may have trouble resting or feeling at ease, especially in your home environment. your mind could be filled with worries, and hence you find it hard to relax. you may also find yourself arguing a lot with your partner or maybe with your friends or family members, especially since transit mars is about to be in your 8th house and it's conjunct your natal saturn.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water placements, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if it resonated with you :)

- libramc xx

[isocrime]

okay so this may just be me assuming - but you generally write top!tony in ults and top!steve in 616 so i was wondering how you would see the flipside come out in both those verses i.e. top!steve in ults and top!tony in 616. do you think (based on your preferences/characterisation) that the former is more natural/preferable/interesting for you to write, or is it just whatever suits the idea you have? curious because you seem a lot more lax re the top/bottom discourse that stevetony is cursed w/

I’ll write either tony and steve topping/bottoming (meaning who’s in the driver’s seat, not who’s pitching/catching) either way depending on what suits the story, but I do definitely have preferences!

For ults, I do indeed tend to write top!tony/bottom!steve I like that dynamic a lot. Steve is so stiff and repressed, desperate for human intimacy and afraid to ask for it. I want to watch him release that and let his walls down, but in a sexy way. Also, Big Buff Sub is one of my kinks, and ults Steve is the biggest and buffest. Tony knows he doesn’t have to hold back, because Steve is superhuman — he can do things he’s fantasized about that would be too unsafe to do with a normal person. Meanwhile Steve could throw Tony off so so easily, but he allows it, even when it makes him squirm with humiliation, which is some intense, sexy submission. Plus he hates himself for wanting it; it means he’s not a real man. He’s not just gay, he’s gay AND he loves to be called a slut and take it up the ass. All the tension and denial!

For top!tony in ults it’s like — he’s such a hedonist and a maximalist (I love his stupid ornate bedroom and his four-poster bed), so I can really imagine him wanting to own Steve for himself and get to do whatever he wants. He lives his social life playing games and obfuscating the truth, wearing these different personas that are all exaggerated and campy and flirty, which makes me think he’d be really good at making the theatrical parts of kink feel real and hot instead of kind of awkward and made up. Tony commits to the bit and doesn’t care if he looks silly — he’s confident he can pull it off so he does. So you have Tony, who’s incredibly deft and motivated and greedy and powerful, and pair him with Steve — clumsy and earnest and so so so needy underneath all the ways he’s denying it — and it’s just delicious.

Then there’s 616, where I like to read things a little differently. Tony is so tightly wound in 616 I want him to let go and let himself have something nice that he doesn’t have to obsess over and make all the choices perfectly or else everything will go wrong forever. Tony needs to turn off his brain and let someone else be in charge. Additionally when Steve and tony are really fucked up and bad for each other (weirdly, I don’t have dysfunctional headcanons about ults steve/tony. i write them as a mess while they’re getting together but long-term I think they do pretty well) I think Tony wants to make up for all the things he feels guilty about, and having Steve fuck him and hurt him and tell him what to do makes him feel better.

Steve, meanwhile, is so earnest and confident and he loves to lead well, so I headcanon that he would find it really natural and satisfying to take charge in bed. I think also all the natural strength and body control makes Steve generally hot as a top. He can really properly overpower anyone and do exactly what he wants to them if he decides to. Hot hot hot. Less healthily, I think Steve yearns to get Tony under control and topping is a way for him to live that fantasy. When Tony submits to Steve, he stops pushing back and doing manipulative shit that drives Steve up the wall. Sometimes Steve just wants to grab Tony and shake him, and kinky sex lets him take some of that frustration out on Tony.  At their most functional, Steve wants to care for Tony and help him be the best version of himself. At their most dysfunctional, Steve wants to punish Tony and force him to do what Steve thinks is the right thing to do.

So, how would I do them the opposite way around? (I am aware this is already super long, I have feelings on this subject apparnently!) For bottom!tony in ults, I think he’d love the game parts of it. There’s a reason kink is called play, and Tony’s all about pretending. Like 616 tony, he’s very tightly wound and could stand to be taken out of his head and given a space where he’s free from responsibility. There’s grief and lousy pain he wants to forget, and Steve is really hot and he wants it, he wants to indulge in something a little taboo that he can make into a joke afterwards, haha you plowed me good, being crude to cover up how much he liked it. (I’m realizing that I tend figure out the dynamic starting from the character who’s bottoming.  Huh — start with what you know I guess!)

Ults Steve as a top is sort of volatile and inexperienced, which makes being helpless around him is sort of risky, and I bet Tony would eat that up. The possibility that it could be a disaster — that he could cause his partner to lose control and get more intense than expected — is titillating.  I think ults Steve wants terribly strongly. And if Tony is the thing he wants, especially if the thing he wants to do to Tony is hurt him, which is a kinky and perverted and bad want to have, Steve would torture himself with guilt and denial and desperate, pent-up lust. Repressed yearning for DAYS. And when Steve snaps and fucks tony the way he wants to, it’s hot and perfect and Steve hates himself for loving it and the more he hates himself the more he’s fucking desperate for it, this thing that’s wrong, he’s not supposed to want to hurt anyone, he’s a good man but he looks at Tony and he wants to take him and leave him wrecked and gorgeous and bleeding.

I actually have an ults sub!tony one-shot on the to-write list, so this is useful brainstorming!  For 616 I don’t have anything planned, but it’s fun to think about how top!tony/bottom!steve would work.

Healthy bottom!steve in 616 is full of love and adoration. He’s given his life to helping people, and I think he’d bring that into the bedroom, this intense desire to serve and give the person he’s in love with all of their favorite things. When everything’s not filled with angst, Steve is a super super sweet sub, eager and earnest and pretty good at communicating what he likes once he gets the hang of it. Also, serum-enhanced cock: Tony can order him to come over and over again, or he can edge him forever and torture him with overstimulation and all of that is hot. Dysfunctional bottom!steve is more like “you betrayed me, you used me, I hate you — do it again.”

Top!tony in 616 has taken his control issues and turned them outward, so instead of wanting to let go instead he loves to orchestrate sex just like he likes to orchestrate solutions to world problems. Plus he’s got the same generosity that Steve has, so he likes being able to give his partner what they want in bed and set things up perfectly so they can feel nice. He brings his natural suave composure to topping, but it’s cut with a sort of soft wonder that Steve’s trusting him with this because his self-esteem is garbage and he can’t possibly deserve someone as good as Steve submitting to him. Then when things are not so pleasant between them, tony uses sex to punish both Steve and himself, taking the thing he wants and beating himself up with it afterwards. He’s addicted to Steve and doesn’t care what’s good for them, he’s going to actively ruin it all.

Obviously some of these elements can be applied to both universes (Steve is always big and buff, yum). There’s a lot of juicy stuff to explore with either top!tony or top!steve, which is why I like both types of fic! The thing that really decides if I like a fic or not is how well the characterization is done and how well it explores a facet of Steve and Tony’s personalities.

I do get a bit bristly about a certain type bottom!tony fic, and about some bottom!pre-serum Steve fic (though the latter isn’t very common in comics universes), but that’s mostly because I find it really infuriating when a fic takes all the agency away from the bottom and replaces their personality with “eager-to-please horny bimbo who’s all weak and fragile.” I’m a contrarian, too, and since there’s more top!steve than top!tony (a quick ao3 tag search gives about a 2:1 ratio for top!steve:top!tony), I like writing the latter. Otherwise, I aspire to be cool, even though I have my favorite dynamics. I love me a wide variety of kinky smut -- the discourse is exhausting and i have bascially infinite salt about how dumb it is.

[soberfor2021]

Thoughts On: Praise in Recovery

I have a lot of thoughts on receiving praise for getting better, and they’re often contradictory, which leads to a lot of very confusing feelings.

I think most humans like receiving praise. I think the only reason anyone wouldn’t like receiving praise is due to personal issues or bad experiences. At our core, we like being told we did well. We like knowing people love us and are proud of us. Like many things though, sometimes it gets skewed due to bad experiences.

I’m certainly no stranger to being afraid of praise in general. Despite my preferred love language to be received is words of praise, it often comes at a price for me. I tend to chalk this up to poor self esteem, backhanded compliments, and lies that were told to me growing up. It’s awkward. Any kind of praise is as uncomfortable as it is delightful, just like attention and love and affection. Being happy is scary.

But there’s a certain type of discomfort that comes along with praise in recovery, at least for me.

I remember my mom telling me she was proud of me for not throwing up on the bathroom floor much anymore. And I remember when she told me that, I felt worse than before she had said that. It wasn’t backhanded or meant to be insulting in any way; she was very genuine in her relief. And knowing she was so genuine made it worse.

It felt like being praised for tying my shoes. I was being praised for not even the bare minimum. It reminded me of my past mistakes and the shame I felt for having been that person.

Which really kind of sucks, because sometimes you want to be praised, because even if it’s below the bare minimum, it’s still really hard.

I remember seeing a video of Taylor Swift talking about her song “This is Me Trying,” and how she was thinking of alcoholics and addicts who struggle and face temptation every day and the pain and effort involved in recovery, and how a lot of that goes unnoticed. They are trying so hard and fighting battles people can’t see. And even if they slip up a little, this is them trying. This is them doing their best and trying to find themselves and be better.

Truthfully, I really relate to the song a lot, and it is one of my favorites on the album.

There’s a post on here that goes something along the lines of, “can someone please be proud of me like fuck i’m trying.” And I’ve always felt that post so deeply in my heart.

I’ve been struggling and fighting invisible battles for as long as I can remember. It always felt weird to be told people were proud of me for being gentle with myself or going several months without cutting. It wasn’t unwelcome though. But somehow with alcohol, there’s more shame involved. I don’t know if it’s in my head or just in what i’ve seen: people who struggle with depression and self harm are beautiful and people love them and want them to get better, but people who struggle with addictions lack self control and are bad people.

And both mindsets are damaging. Because in many ways, they’re the same. Self destruction is addictive, and it doesn’t matter if the means are a safety pin or vodka. And the irony is, all of these things feed off of each other for me. So why, in my mind, is one more shameful than the other?

I’m well aware that this is all an issue of pride, at least when it comes to this kind of praise. I don’t consider myself a prideful person because of my low self esteem, but I suppose even that in a way is rather prideful. I’m not above these mindsets and I’m not above this vice. And self hatred is not humility, no matter how much my brain tries to convince me it is.

It feels good to be told people are proud of me for wanting to change and for getting better. But it’s also incredibly shameful, because it means I wasn’t perfect to begin with and it forces me to come to terms with the bad things I’ve done.

I don’t want to be praised in this way because it hurts. But for a lot of reasons, maybe I should accept it anyway.

There is growth and healing in discomfort. And maybe I should allow this kind of discomfort more instead of shying away from it.

That being said, this will not be an overnight change. And I did not make this blog to earn praise, and I do not speak about my struggles in any context to earn praise. Rather, I speak about things to clarify some of my neruoses to others so I seem like less of a freak, and I make posts like this to try and understand myself. All of my issues are tied up in a big ball of string in my head. I don’t know where one starts and the other ends, and I certainly cannot untangle them.

But I’m trying to untangle them. I don’t deserve praise for trying to untangle them.

But maybe at the same time, no one deserves praise for anything. And maybe that’s what makes telling people how proud we are of them worth it. Maybe that’s why it means so much. We are not owed praise, nor can we earn it. But maybe it’s a gift freely given out of love.

Maybe I need to think of it more like that from now on.