#i had an appointment with my dietician yesterday

[syekick-powers]

every time a medical professional of some sort tells me i have a high degree of self-awareness, it makes me have an external reaction of "thank you i try" and an internal reaction of "honestly i think having as high a level of self-awareness as i do is at least a quarter of why i'm so miserable. :')"

[dogstarblues]

8/6/24

today i...

went to get bloodwork done. while at the store where the lab was, i got sage, lemon, vegan yogurt, and cilantro. i was looking for jars to make my own perfumed body oil but i couldnt find them. i continued my decision to decide to live and recovered further from the decision to kill myself the weekend before last. i did my skincare routine. a friend video-called me and we talked about things im looking forward to in the coming months. i practiced spanish with a friend and on my own. i made an appointment with a dietician. i re-started my system of the weekly planner after neglecting it during recovery week. yesterday i had decided to develop more of a relationship to air and so i sat outside and contemplated the wind on my face. im currently making congee. i made an american breakfast. i snacked on a turkey sandwich. i made angel hair pasta with parsley, veg butter, and slivered turkey bacon. i typed up multiple essays on poetic craft and theory to help a friend with their dnd character (these essays had already been written). i read tarot for myself and was advised by my own interpretation to take it easy while being restricted in what im able to consume media-wise (im navigating triggers that arent my own but my persecutor's instead - my persecutor is like an open wound rn from like a month of exploring our experiences with child abuse and domestic abuse in my writing). i was also advised to get back in touch with my embodiment practice so i made plans tomorrow to go to the library to pick up a book and work on rewriting my new project to not be so violent (not like gore but like domestic abuse) and noticing how i am in my body while writing. i wore jewelry to keep from picking my face. i wore a cute outfit. im picking out an outfit for tomorrow right now. and in 15 min im talking worldbuilding with a friend. after that i will shower, brush my teeth, and do skincare, and then work on translating soviet propaganda with my roommate for a client.

i feel okay today. i have energy. im gonna be okay.

[saintlabrys]

A little reflection/rant on body hair

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician; I have to follow a specific diet because of my hormonal problems and the fact I'm trying to gain lean mass. I was complaining about the whole process being slow (my metabolisms is fucked up due to how poorly I treated my body while growing up). Suddenly she asked how I feel about my body hair , which a consequence of having higher level of androsterone than average from what I understood. I told her that it's fine, I don't care about it that much. To be fair I used to be very hairy when I was a teen, before getting cured for my hormonal dysfunctions, the situation is way better now. Plus, as long as my period is punctual and my other bodily functions are okay I won't complain about it.

I think she was worried about it because socially speaking having hair can be distressful and she knows I'm followed by a therapist; they're colleagues and they usually work with adolescents with eating disorders. She was probably worried that it could have affected my mental health, I'm pretty sure she wasn't judgemental towards me not shaving/caring about it that much because she already showed me kindness by asking about my sexual orientation before prescribing me some medications for my insulin resistance. Some of them can interfere with contraceptive pills, the fact she didn't give for granted I was heterosexual/in a relationship with a man meant so much (Her comment about not being a problem because I'm lesbian would probably get some gendies mad but whatever).

I appreciated her concern, however it made me sad. I mean, the idea that your body not matching the ideal standard should be a concern even for those around you. It's not even about being judgemental or not, it's the fact that they know society could make you feel insecure because of it. that is fucked up!

Yeah, body hair could be a symptom of hormonal dysfunctions, but having it is normal, even if you are a woman. The quantity of it can be different, for many other reasons, but it's not unhealthy nor unhygienic. So I thought you know what? If having body hair was somehow a problem for human beings I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have any. Men, being naturally hairier than women, would have found a way to permanently get rid of them. If something can harm men is always taken care of, if you think about it. Being hairy is not a problem, actually it's even better if women are the hairy ones. Creating an idealized beauty standard that is not reachable for most women is just another tool they have to make us feel insecure or bad. This insecurity runs so deeply that it's normal for us getting worried for other women, feeling bad for them for not "reaching the bar". At the same time, having standards can create competition. You don't want to be the ugly one, the one they make fun of. It took me my whole adolescence to realize how fucked up this is and I feel bad for playing my role accordingly to the patriarchy's schemes. I really hope more girls will realize how having smooth skin with zero hair is just another stupid beauty standard men have imposed on us

[findingmypeace]

I am SO frustrated. I guess today is another work from home day (yesterday was to but for a totally different reason). I had every intention of going to the male house today despite being there last night. It���s the perfect day to go there because all the clients will be home today instead of being at day program so I will be able to see all of them. I even got up early (then I would if I wasn’t working in person) so I could get to the house at a reasonable time. I was grabbing a sweater from my closet and about to grab my bags to leave and I started to feel like I was going to pass out if I didn’t lay down right that minute. I ended up spending over an hour laying down because every time I sat up I started to feel faint again. Eventually I could sit and then able to stand. I feel much better now albeit not great. But now it’s already noon which is much later then I prefer starting the work day and I won’t be there for long since I need to be home for my dietician appointment. This is not how I want to things to be. It makes me so angry that I can’t physically (and as hard as it is to admit) and also mentally function at the level I want. It makes me feel like I’m messing up and disappointing everyone. That I’m not doing my job. And now I have to lay down again. I’ve had enough!

[cakesexuality]

Hey so

Talked to my social worker on Tuesday, she was off for a while so our last 2 appointments have been mostly catching her up to speed on what happened while she was gone as well as in between the appointments

Talked to my dietician yesterday and we did a Rule of Threes worksheet that was sent to me when I reached out to NEDIC a couple months ago, we also decided that I'm not gonna do any work on figuring out which foods make me sick for now bc that might be a slippery slope to restriction

Jesus fucking Christ, I had to reschedule it 3 times due to transport issues, but I finally have my assessment with the ED program tomorrow

The social worker from the hospital seemed to think I was intentionally avoiding the assessment but he was really nice about it lol, he was like "You don't have to do this right away, you can wait until you're emotionally ready" and like no I'm READY, I've been in recovery for 11 years already, I just couldn't physically get to the hospital

My dietician is an absolute cheerleader about everything and she was like "And make sure you pack your bag with lots of snacks when you go to the hospital on Friday!!!" which I always pack snacks when I go to in-person appointments but I appreciate her really wanting me to regularly have something to eat lol especially considering I'll be at the hospital for several hours

I did pack my bag, btw!! I've got a bunch of different snacks in a lunch bag with a few different things to drink

I also have my GP tomorrow before the hospital so I'll be talking to her about some stuff and giving her a booklet for primary care providers that NEDIC also sent me

I seem to have properly relapsed at this point 🙃 I'm disappointed but not blaming myself, I'm still trying my best, and I'm eating Goldfish and drinking Ribena as I write this

My ED recovery app has 2 questionnaires you're supposed to do every month and it won't let me do one of them until tomorrow but it let me do the other one today and my score this month is better than last month?? Wild

Still not worried about which level of care the hospital will offer me

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour tout le monde. It is feeling chilly again today, currently -1c but there is a blue sky behind all the white clouds 😀. We had a cover of snow one day, the temperatures never rose and the snow lingered, but the next morning I woke up to rain and the snow had disappeared.

I did visit the cinema again to see “Les Cyclades”, I was not disappointed, even though it was in French with no English subtitles, I let the “pictures do the talking.” It certainly “hit the spot” with the beautiful sunny scenery, music from the disco era, I was young again and transported back to carefree times, perfect!

There have been appointments again…… firstly the podologue. I was busy doing my “jobs from the rota” upstairs, my phone was downstairs and I heard it “ping” a few times. I thought I would pick up the messages when I had finished. Lo and behold! It was the podologue asking if I could go earlier. I did but not the half hour earlier as she had wished.

I visited the dentist again, convinced the crown would be fitted that day…… well he has fitted something but I have to return next week. Perhaps then I will be coronated 😂😂.

A week or so ago 🤔, I received a letter from my car manufacturer. As I couldn’t fully understand it, I went to the garage. The guy said that the check would take 5 minutes and providing everything was ok that would be it. An appointment was made and I was at the garage at the allotted time, he was right, it took the mechanic more time to input the information onto the computer than it did to do the check. Oh well all sorted, I do love that garage, they look after me.

The weather has been so cold, well it seems like that to me but the podologue said it is because my blood is thinner now.

Anie rang me yesterday to give me all her news. I asked her for tea and gateau, she said 4pm. Well, as usual, she was late! It wasn’t a problem and asking her to tea actually prompted me to prepare my lunch and have the table set for her arrival. She arrived with a pot of snowdrops dug up from her garden, plus a bag of chocolates from the new chocolatier in town.

I had seen a recipe for a vegan shepherds pie, it was full of vegetables and so I decided to make it. Of course, it wouldn’t be my version if I didn’t change some items, so as I had parsnip, I added some of that to the onion, leek, carrot, mushrooms, butternut squash, potato and peas. A substitution was made for spinach (I never use that) I did have some Brussels Sprouts so that was the substitute (well they are green!) I did think it was going to be a bit too “veggie” but to be honest it tasted really lovely. I made rather a lot so will be eating it again in the next few days.

I have visited the bar a couple of times this week, I enjoy seeing Christophe, Patricia and the regulars plus I manage to catch up on the news.

Pauline has now found accommodation in Dublin so will be “taking off” for the “fair city” either next week or the week after. How exciting!

I have been preparing for the AGM this coming Tuesday. I have translated most of the documents and discovered some interesting facts, one of which is that I am supposed to make something to be sold on the stall at one of the markets in town. It looks as if I will be knitting some hats, bootees, or whatever for that. I still have one more paper to translate so that will be my job this afternoon, along with preparing for the dietician.

The duplicate form from the cardiologist arrived and after photocopying it, I “hot footed” off to the Social Security office to hand it in. Fingers crossed that that is paid up pretty pronto!

My cleaning lady cannot come next week, she has a trial at the school, as a cleaner. If she is successful it will be a permanent job. I wished her well, even though I am unsure whether the organisation will find me another cleaner.

After my “health issues” my American friend messaged to say that she was going to have a biopsy. She is awaiting the results and she is perhaps more concerned that she will not get to Nice for the remainder of the winter. Both her and her husband have found it impossible to be taken onto the books by a doctor here in town. Her husband spent sometime in the hospital in Chaumont and now this for her. Fingers crossed things are not too bad.

The other morning I opened the front door to find a zillion feathers and the remains of a bird on my doormat. I was “cussing” that it was a “damned cat”, but after speaking to Anie yesterday, she said that she had had a large bird in the garden and had found three bird remains and lots of feathers, she was sad as one was a robin. Perhaps it was a bird of prey that had got this poor little one in my doorway.

“The Daddy” and my gorgeous grandson ended up sleeping downstairs last night! Apparently it is “separation anxiety” don’t recall any of that with my two boys but hey it’s a whole new world out there!

“The Paralegal” (last time I will be calling him that) is still waiting for tradesmen to complete their work before he can start decorating. However, I have received some photos of the house now and it looks good. He has ordered his new sofa, well there is a long delivery time, and he will be arranging with someone to come and measure up for carpets and underlay. It’s all happening.

I do enjoy finding poems to add to my blog. I hope that you like this excerpt from “Sudden Light” by Dante Gabriel Rossetti

“I have been here before,

But when or how I cannot tell:

I know the grass beyond the door,

The sweet keen smell,

The sighing sound, the lights around the shore.”

Now it’s time for me to cook my lunch, I was going to do a little washing and hang it outside but there is no breeze so I think it would just hang limply on the line. Then I will be translating more documents and finally getting outside for a lovely walk. Have yourselves a great day too.

Jusqu’à la semaine prochaine!

[aleyna-taiz]

8/21/24 Wed. Self Appreciation, Gratitude, & Integrity Journal

I'm glad I went to more doctor appointments and stood up for myself at my dietician doctor appointment, because they didn't want to see me again and wanted me to pay a copay even though I told them I talked with my insurance provider and they told me my doctor was covered.

I'm glad I went to the gym and worked on my arms and loss weight in my arms.

I'm glad I been using my essential oil diffuser with rose water.

I'm glad Jeffrey took me to go get groceries and go to the Asian Mall, and I'm glad he helped me get him to see him on 3:30 pm on Wednesdays and gave me water.

I'm glad I am back down to my weight I was a month ago.

I'm glad I have more energy and am exercising more again.

I'm glad I am taking out my veggie tray and deli meats to eat food when I don't feel like eating.

I'm glad I been watching HIMYM.

I'm glad I been trying to organize my lists better.

I'm glad I am taking a break from cbd oil and trying to manage my anxiety in different ways.

I'm glad I been doing my skincare and teeth whitening routine.

I'm glad I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.

I'm glad I had some fun, let go, and masturbated yesterday with different people online.

[slimschance]

Plate: chicken burger (129), salt & pepper squid (149), sweet potato fries (74)

Bowl: sweetheart cabbage (12), spinach (4), cucumber (10)

Dipping bowl: lime juice (3), honey (30)

Glass: ice (0), fruit-tella blackcurrant squash concentrate - diluted with water (0)

locking in with omad because i can't stop overeating, my intake was over 1000cals 6 out of 7 days, and the 1 other day was in the 900cal range... yesterday i properly binged and i had shooting pains, couldn't breathe out my throat at one point, and was hurling for about 30 mins. can't even remember what i ate but the pain were near traumatic. i downed a lot of liquid between eating, i think that made it 10× worse, i thought i was having some sort of organ failure at one point... that shits so scary. so now i'm locking in. 400cal to ease myself back into lower cal intake. most of my veg and dipping sauce is left so i'm gonna save it to eat after running some floors (up the stairs lol) and just snack on it. i've already planned ahead, if i want to eat i'll eat my salad if i still have some, and if not i'll have a small amount of strawberries and my dads leftover coffee for an iced latte, might 50/50 water and milk to lower the cals. freezing the coffee in ice lolly moulds since my mum protective of the actual ice moulds lmaoo

-

also bad news, i didn't get a haircut (slept through the appointment, asked if she had more time for me after nan and mum, they didn't let me know till 20 minutes later and by then i felt really sick and had been crying) which means i can't get it cut for ages, and my fringe is already too long. i have no fucking clue what to do and i have events i need nice hair for in the next few weeks. might just figure where dads hair stuff is and trim my fringe myself if it gets much longer... but then i won't be able to go to that hairdresser again aghhh sobbing whys stuff so difficult.

p.s. if you plan on eating sweetheart lettuce, raw/as is, please get a dip cah that shit is pure rabbit food... can be a good thing when with other foods but whew that's disgusting, too much. son't make the mistake i did

-

Next day

girl...

i felt so sick, and yet i kept stuffing my face... i wouldn't say it was a binge as i think i was in control of my actions most of that time ? plus thats pretty low for a binge. anyway it felt like a compulsion except i had control over whether i did it or not yk, but physical symptoms were basically me feeling sick, both a bad stomach and food surfacing bc it wouldn't fit in my stomach. i wouldn't have been half as bad if mum didn't come home with bbq hula hoops right next to me, setting off my cravings for both the food and the texture... id already been trying all day to satify my cravings for dry crunchy food (had it for days) and i just had,, then she bought it right back within 2 hour. ooking back, those calories would likely be halfed if just ate the crisps, but mum said i couldn't have them. said i don't know when to stop (ffs she's right) and that means there'd be nothing left for everyone else. atp should i just milk it and see if i can see someone about my eating habits, mums already concerned about my bad habits, that way me tracking food and eventually losing weight won't look suspicious at all. idek if they do doctors for that though, ain't no dieticians or anything in this little shitty town and i doubt theres similar jobs

sigh

[racco0nriotgrrrl]

I had my first appointment with my new dietician yesterday. I really like her so far

[littlelostprogramming]

29/09/2020

Hello! So I obviously missed some days on here. I'm just having a hard time and I'm not sure why. But hey I'm not here to spread my sadness I'm here for a study update!!

So on the 24th of september I had my first class of data modelling! It's more theory but still fun, but a little confusing sometimes but it will be fine right? Yeah sure just need to pay attention and try to study.

And yesterday I had my second class of user interfaces! Oh also I was abel to make my website! I'm so proud that I did that 😊 I really love those classes!

Next week is test week, we'll have a test/exam of both classes and it's on 20% of our total score, it's a little scary to be honest, I really don't want to make a fool out of myself even though I am but still.

My issues with eating is getting worse lately 🙄 but! I have made a appointment with a dietician! But okay now that I gave you a little update I'm gonna go back to being sad and hiding underneat my blankets till I have therapy tomorrow. I hope you all are doing well!

[watch-me-stand-up-again]

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician, and she says I’m getting really close to my weight goal!!!!😆

This means we’re starting to decrease my meal plan so we don’t overshoot my goal, which I’m glad of because I want to start eating like a normal person rather than eating at what seems like all the time. I’m also exited to start learning intuitive eating, which I hope will really help get rid of my calorie counting obsession.

I’m really proud of myself!!!😊😊😊

[edjournals]

7/6/2020, a letter that nobody can ever see

So much has happened since my last journal entry. The truth is, I just haven’t had the energy to write, not even for enjoyment. Normally, writing is a refuge for me. I suppose that just goes to show how badly this whole condition is affecting me. 

I had my ED appointment last Tuesday, almost a week ago. It was extremely emotional... they essentially had me tell my life story as it relates to eating and body image, which are painful subjects to think about, let alone speak about. The doctor in charge of my appointment was fantastic; she listened, validated, reflected, and asked all of the right questions. She didn’t even flinch when I started crying, which was a huge deal to me.

She pointed out that many of my experiences with weight, food, and body image were traumatic. As in, textbook, cookie-cutter, literal trauma that I experienced without even processing them as such. That blew my mind. I always considered myself to be a person who was lucky enough to avoid trauma in my life. Sure, I’ve had some ups and downs, but who doesn’t?

It turns out that late-onset puberty can be a major trigger for an eating disorder, as it often manifests rapidly at an age where most teenagers have already completed the process. I had never thought of it that way. I didn’t really start puberty until my junior year of high school, which meant that I had the metabolism of a child as my brain matured with my peers. As a 17-year-old, being thin was part of my identity. I was able to eat as much food as I wanted with no real consequence, and I rarely exercised. When my period finally came, and I started to gain weight and grow breasts, it was a direct conflict with my identity as a blooming adult. 

At the time, I was well aware of how difficult that transition was, but I never thought of it as traumatic... but the truth is, it was negatively life-altering, and still affects me even today. Isn’t that the definition of trauma?

I am still processing all of that, even now. Six days later. 

As Summer starts to set in, with 95 degree days and enough humidity to wear a snorkel outside, my ED is especially apparent. My body is trying to stay cool by burning energy, energy that I just don’t have because I’m restricting so much. I am constantly exhausted, weak, and dizzy. No amount of hydration can account for the lack of food that I am consuming. It’s terrifying, because logically I know that I’m a constant faint risk, yet I still can’t bring myself to eat more than one meal a day, if that. 

Yesterday, I even convinced myself that half an onion sauteéd with some garlic was a whole meal. Newsflash, it isn’t, and I woke up this morning lightheaded and fatigued. Over the weekend, my mother even commented that I didn’t look well. I feel like I’m backed into a corner; I can either continue as I am and risk passing out at any given moment, or I can eat what my body needs and then feel the emotional wrath that will surely descend. 

I start my ED treatment program next week, a virtual meeting with a therapist and a meeting with a dietician. I have already been warned that participating in ED treatment usually results in weight gains. I’m scared, hopeful, angry, confused, and proud of myself all at once. The question is... how am I supposed to make it to next week when I can hardly make it through a heatwave weekend? 

I already feel as if my lack of nutrition and sustenance is having an effect on my work performance, emotional well-being, and social life... how much longer can I suffer with no consequence? I suppose we’ll just have to wait and find out.

[clowncartardis]

March 11 roundup

Health:

CT scan for the weird cyst under my chin, follow-up next week, seems to be unrelated to everything else but is still distressing

Saw the immunologist for the first time yesterday and really like her!! Was paralyzingly nervous about the appointment but she was nice and she listened. Doesn't think it's histamine intolerance, but thinks it might be a sensitivity—the fact she knows about HIT at all is a blessing. Allergy testing in 2 weeks, which unfortunately coincides with the worst of my pre-period symptoms, which I was going to try to treat with benadryl. So I lose another week. BUT she gave me a referral to a GI! And she mentioned it might be pernicious anemia vs. B12 deficiency, and acknowledged that the metformin might be a culprit and that as someone with preexisting stomach issues I maybe shouldn't have been put on it

Still waiting on blood test results from the primary I had to beg for the blood tests from, who didn't want to run them at my physical since my "endocrinologist had already run them 4 months ago" even though he didn't check a bunch of vitamins/other things a primary should check for

Had an emergency psychiatry appointment and am allowed to stop the wellbutrin, which I think (and he disagrees) were contributing to my daily migraines, fatigue and constant muscle cramps. No immediate plans for a new antidepressant until after the blood test results are in and I treat any vitamin deficiencies, since it really might just be deficient B12

Psychiatrist referred me to the dietician. Intro packet freaks me out, but between the stress of grad school/stress of illness/anxiety of either FODMAP or low-histamine and being triggered by gaining ~20 pounds over a few months I'm grateful for the resource

Made an appointment with the nurse practitioner in the women's clinic my friend LOVES who will hopefully okay taking me off the metformin. With the diet stuff that'll be addressed I should be fine, and I am taking it for PCOS without being insulin resistant anyway

Did you know metformin causes b12 deficiency and reacts with topirimate to cause lactic acidosis and also is a DAO inhibitor? Oops. Wellbutrin is also a histamine liberator and so is topirimate, but I want to stay on the topirimate. Anti-convulsants (topirimate and also lamotirgine, which I'm taking a higher than normal dose of) also cause b12 deficiency. OOPS.

Why has... No one tested my b12 in years ffs

ALSO made an appointment with a new primary doctor at the campus health clinic to take over for the old one who didn't run blood tests, who didn't go over what she was running when I begged her, who didn't believe me when I talked about the drug interactions listed above, who told me to exercise as I was crying about not being able to shower without my legs cramping up. Hopefully new primary is good!

Health to do:

Cancel upcoming OBGYN appointment, get their fax number (call first, then drive out since they DON'T RETURN MY CALLS which was very distressing during the Birth Control Fiasco of January 2020)

Make GI appointment

Go back to school, request records from primary and from OBGYN

Academic to do:

Reread book and papers for week-late environmental security essay, hope professor will still accept it

Write international relations theory essay that's more than a week late

Work on summer program cover letters

Grade! Papers!

Read framework book

Get started on reading for Sunday

(this isn't all for today, it's for the rest of the break)

I'm glad I have beans and rice and roast to defrost. It'll be a nice dinner. Especially since I only had a few spoonfuls of cold oatmeal for breakfast since I couldn't wake up and nearly missed my food window before the 4-hour CT scan fast. Kinda hungry. 2.5 hours to go.

[findingmypeace]

11/8/2019

I wanted to update about all my therapy appointments. First, I had EMDR yesterday morning. We processed the actual suicide attempt. It was really hard to talk about. I think the biggest thing that came out of EMDR yesterday was that the suicide attempt scared me. It scares me that I could be so impulsive and that I very nearly died and that I hurt my family the way I did. There was a lot of exploring what happened right after I took the pills (the 911 call, the ambulance ride, the time in the ER, etc). I have no memory of being moved from the ER to the ICU or of changing into a hospital gown. All I remember is arriving in the ER, dressed in my pajamas, and then waking up in the ICU in a hospital gown. My EMDR therapist and I are not done processing this part of the attempt. She has me rank how disturbing the memory is from 0-10 (0 being not disturbing at all to 10 being the most disturbing it could possibly be). We continue processing the memory until I am able to rank the memory as a 0. To be honest, I’m not sure the memory will ever be a 0. I last ranked it as a 6. I can talk and think about it now without crying so at least that’s good. I just don’t know if I can get the memory down to the point of not being disturbing at all.

Anyway, I also saw my primary therapist yesterday. I told her how frustrated I am with my eating and weight gain. We talked about how I’m operating from a point of scarcity IE: restriction and this is causing me to eat more than I probably would if I were to allow myself to eat what I want. I wish it was as simple as just allowing myself to eat what I want. It is but also my ED brain is stuck on losing weight and the only way to lose weight being through restriction. I can’t see outside of that mindset right now. I know my therapist is right. I just can’t let go of the weight loss aspect. I need to lose weight now. I’m so frustrated with my ED self. I’ve been to all levels of care 5 times. I’ve seen outpatient dieticians for years at a time. I know better yet I can’t let go. I’ve had an eating disorder for 25 years. When is enough going to be enough.

Finally, I saw my psychiatrist today. There was quite a range of topics in our session. First we talked about my anxiety about work. She was really comforting. It’s like she always knows the right thing to say to make me feel better.

Then we talked about my brother getting married. She reminded me that my only responsibility is to myself. It might still be a good idea to act as if I’m happy for him (because the consequences of not doing so suck) but I don’t have to take it out on myself. We talked about how I’ve spent my life taking my hurt out on myself (through my eating disorder and other self-destructiveness) and it hasn’t fixed anything. I mentioned that my suicide attempt was awful but it changed a lot of things for me, including that my Mom takes me more seriously (instead of acting like I’m a drama queen). My psychiatrist made an interesting comment. She said that a part of me died then and when drastic things like that happen it changes people (referring to my Mom). I don’t know why but I found that comment really validating. Maybe because that comment acknowledges how much of a big deal my suicide attempt was for me. It does feel like a part of me died then.

Lastly, my psychiatrist and I talked about the ketamine. I mentioned that my mood tends to dip at night and that I would like something to help with that. She had contacted the pharmacy that prescribes the ketamine and they were supposed to contact me but they never did so she called them again during my session. Apparently they had the wrong phone number for me. Anyway, now they have the right info for me and should be mailing me the ketamine in the next few days. I have an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist for next Saturday evening where she is going to show me how to use it. After that I will take it as needed. So, finally, after months of talking about it, I’m finally going to start taking the ketamine. I am nervous about trying it but I am also ready. When my mood starts to dip at night I will have something I can take. I feel hopeful.

Well, that’s all. I know this is a long update. Sorry it’s so long. I just had a lot to write about.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

23.10.19// It was a busy and emotional day full of appointments and meetings and I’ve been given an overwhelming number of things to think about over the next few days. Lots of people are recommending that I defer and take the rest of the year off. I am emotionally frazzled and physically in such a lot of pain that I am not making it to all of my lectures and classes or keeping up generally. Last night I was intending to do work but instead collapsed into bed straight away and achieved nothing. I really do not want to have to take time out. I don’t know why I’m studying, I am constantly thinking about how much everything hurts and how much I want to go to bed. I guess it makes sense to at least take an interruption of studies but I feel like working is all I have that keeps me going (Putting the rest of this under read more)...

Yet I keep failing to prove this. It frustrates me massively. Why do I do this? I’m struggling to change the way I’m dealing with anything at the moment. I have implemented a couple of the changes to my intake that the dietician I am seeing has told me to, but I’ve been told it’s not enough. Yesterday I also had supported lunch and cried over it. I talked to the psychologist about how I am constantly questioning everything I do and just feeling thoroughly confused. She said with everything that was going on she wasn’t surprised that I was feeling lost and didn’t expect me to be able to make decisions. The nurse who was there suggested I start taking olanzapine to ‘help me do things without thinking about them’. I’m not feeling too keen. I am already on antidepressants, and I’m not sure I like the idea of letting myself do things without thinking (maybe this is disordered though, I don’t know). She said it might also help reduce my chronic pain as it will lessen my anxiety, but the same has been said about many medications I’ve been on.

On the plus side, despite nearly giving up, I went to my biology lab this afternoon. It was a nice distraction for a bit. I keep feeling like I’ve lost my passion for biology but once I was in the lab I think I actually quite enjoyed the work. It was a long session and dark when I came out, it made the streets look particularly photogenic. 

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour à tous, it’s another cloudy morning but we have 9c so it will be perfect for my walk.

I had my appointment with the dietician. Having to step on the scales, AFTER breakfast and wearing enough clothes for modesties sake, meant that her scales only registered a 2kg loss, however she measured my waist and she was pleased to announce a 7cm loss (that equates to 2.75 inches). I go back in 6 weeks so I am hoping for good results then. She suggested that I walk for an hour a day, I will have to do this in two trips, however this will intrude on my other tasks/commitments etc. How to get in those two walks? Well the days are lengthening so perhaps it will be possible.

Looking at the above photo, it’s as though “Le printemps est arrivé”. However, we had 14c one day and the next it was freezing! Consequently, I am still going outside looking like the “Michelin Man”.

The plumber arrived, as agreed, and set to work replacing the toilet and cistern, he changed the tap on the washbasin and added a new siphon and outlet (plughole). He was all finished in two hours, I could not believe it. I was so excited about this new toilet and fixtures that I took the “bull by the horns” and rang my decorator. I had to leave a message, he didn’t get back to me so I sent him a message. He came out and will let me have the devis for painting in the toilet and also redecorating my front bedroom.

“The Daddy” has sent me some wonderful photos of my gorgeous grandchildren. My grandson looks to be a daredevil, not yet 19 months and he is climbing up onto his cot! My granddaughter still likes to stick her tongue out on photos but I hope she will soon stop.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has had a lovely break from work and has been away for a few days. There was snow on the ground when he arrived at his “holiday home” but it hadn’t stopped him being out and about. I wonder if he has had “fish and chips” 🤔

I went to see the movie “Emmett Till” and then came home and googled it. What a very sad story. I am hoping to go to the cinema again this evening, but that is to see “The Fabelmans”.

I baked a cake…… last time I made one, I didn’t think it was too good! This coffee cake though was a real success. Oops that has just reminded me, I need some more icing sugar. I will be “whipping up” another cake either today or tomorrow as I like to have my freezer well stocked up.

Time for a confession, I think! I have been to the bar everyday this week 🙈, fortunately I cannot go today as he is closed! However, going to the bar isn’t all bad news, it means that I can have a break in my walk, I get to have a coffee, to read the newspaper and have a chat with friends.

I’m not quite sure why I have started doing this habit, maybe it’s because I have lived here almost 6 years and during that time have only been to the dentist when I have a specific problem, but when I am talking to people, I cannot take my eyes off their teeth!! I know if I was in the UK I would have had my teeth “cleaned and polished” a few times but here I haven’t had to endure that feeling of my teeth being ripped out while the dentist removes the plaque from between your teeth, (they probably do it with some other type of equipment now). Dr. Brown looked at my other teeth when I was last there but did nothing to remove the stains from drinking black tea and coffee or the plaque! Well talking to two (older) friends yesterday, they too have stained teeth, so I think it’s safe to say that having lovely sparkling “pearlies” is not high on the list of priorities here.

Today’s excerpt of poetry is from “March” by Mary Mapes Dodge:

In the snowing and the blowing,

“In the cruel sleet,

Little flowers begin their growing

Far beneath our feet.”

Thinking of flowers, I really should be getting out into the garden and tidying up after winter, sorting out my planters, setting the broad beans away in the potager and neatening the lawn edges which are just extending into the borders and giving the lawn no definite shape! I need to check to see when I can cut the raspberry cane back. I only have one (I think) now and I don’t want to lose it. The violas which were in the planter at the front of the house, scattered their seeds far and wide, I have them growing in the pots with the peonies. I am considering moving them into the area of garden where I put the garden compost I had made, mixed with spent compost from pots and I must admit that area is looking good.

After all the knitting of babies hats and bootees, I am knitting a holder for a mobile phone. I know this won’t be useful to a youngster, but for older people who like to keep their phones in a safe place, it may be ideal. It was a suggestion from one of the ladies at the knitting group. I am going to get it finished so that I can show them on Friday.

There is a spring sale on in a village nearby, I had thought that I would drive up, but 1) apart from plants, I don’t think they have anything else I want. There is jewellery (I could sell them some!), paintings, soaps, fashion, food stuffs (jams and pickles), 2) I could have my walk in the time to get there and back in the car, and that walk is more conducive to my well-being and 3) the time could be spent in the garden, knitting or baking, so I think you have guessed I am staying home 😂😂.

Now I am going to bid you all a bon dimanche.

Drive safely, all of those people making journeys today.