#and it's only like a decade later that I'm realising all the really weird ways she acted around me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frick6101719 · 3 years

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Your Father’s Day Kaz fic has me in my feelings IT WAS SO GOOD would love to see more even just headcanons of Kaz as a dad

Ooooh boy... Anon there is so much more where that came from! I have told myself not to write a Kanej-as-parents fic until after I've finished the one I'm working on now, but that hasn't seemed to stop me from dreaming up almost every detail of Kaz and Inej's lives as parents.

So. Heeeere we go

Kaz and Inej aren't exactly trying, per se, the first time Inej gets pregnant.

They're a little shy of thirty at this point, Jesper and Wylan have two kiddos already, and one night they're at the Van Ecks' for their weekly Monday night dinner (a tradition over a decade strong) and Kaz is playing chess with their oldest, or teaching card tricks to their youngest, and Inej is just overtaken by some maternal instinct watching them she wants one.

She brings it up to Kaz that night that maybe they stop with the preventative measures, and he is completely terrified. I mean, he's always known he likes kids--he thinks they're funny and kind of weird and despite himself he finds their guilelessness and wonder at the world absolutely endearing... but that's not the same thing. I mean a child? Him, a father?

He's not sure. He's not sure he'd be a good dad--he's not sure he's even allowed to want to be, after all the children he's left fatherless, all the fathers whose children he's taken away.

He's never allowed himself to think about it, actually, even after he married Inej. It felt like the whole topic of parenting and fatherhood was off-limits; any time he got close it was just too tender to touch.

But they talk about it a lot, and they eventually decide that they'll stop with the tonics. For a child of Inej's... he can do it.

Inej is away at sea, many months later, when she realises she's pregnant. She had a visit planned to her parents in Ravka which ends up taking up her whole trip because she has a lot to work through--a lot of questions, a lot of fear at the sudden reality of it--and her parents and extended family are a huge help

I have so many thoughts about Inej and motherhood and entire nights spent talking with Mama Ghafa during this trip about what to expect but I'm staying on-topic goddamn it

She's early in her second trimester when she lands back in Ketterdam, and all her plans of how to tell Kaz, and how long to keep it a secret from the Van Ecks go right out the window because she's already in the early days of her second trimester and our tiny little Wraith has nowhere to hide that bump

Kaz is with Jesper and Wylan at their place when Inej arrives, and they all go to meet her at the docks and as soon as he sees her crossing berth twenty-two he knows because he knows her posture, the way she moves, her shape, everything about her so well that he notices immediately the changes to her body and it nearly brings him to his knees.

So she doesn't get to tell Kaz, but she DOES get to tell Jesper and Wylan who--and really I cannot emphasize this enough--could not be more excited.

They make a big scene at the docks; Kaz is still just a little too stunned to tell them to calm down

Over the next few months Kaz definitely spends many sleepless nights just watching Inej sleep, her belly growing more and more noticeable beneath the blankets, wondering if he's going to mess this up somehow, and why he already feels like a part of him has been ripped out and laid bare before the world, vulnerable, delicate.

He would already do anything and everything to keep her safe, to make her happy, even though little Rosanna Marya Rietveld is still months away from joining him in the big wide world.

(They decide to go with Rietveld to keep her safe, because she's only a baby, and growing up with the name Brekker or Ghafa might make her a target, and they will do anything to avoid that. So while they have other roles and names in their other lives, as a family they're the Rietvelds 🖤)

He's a fucking mess all throughout the birth--Inej's parents come over weeks before her due date so Mama Grandma Ghafa can deliver the baby, and thank the saints Grandpa Ghafa is there because Kaz is a mess--he can't bear to hear Inej in pain--and he could use a distraction. Stories of his wife as a baby, told in the calm, soothing voice of her loving father = just the distraction he needs.

Kaz barely sleeps the week after Rosanna is born, which Inej doesn't mind because it means she gets rest, but when he finally confides in her that all he can think about is Pekka Rollins, on his knees, begging for the life of his little Kaelish prince and how easy it would have been to actually hurt the boy... well, they have to deal with that.

He lies with his head in her lap and she plays with his hair in the way she knows relaxes him, and tells him that Rosie is safe, that no one can protect her like the two of them, that there isn't a person in the world she would trust with their baby's life like she trusts him.

It works pretty well.

Of course, Kaz being the control freak that he is, and being more than a little anxious about Rosie, means that Inej also has to constantly tell him no, he can't pick her up any time she even thinks about crying, she needs some discipline and she needs a schedule Kaz stop it she needs to go for her nap not another walk around the garden!

Yeah from day one he is absolutely wrapped around her little finger.

About two years after Rosanna is born, they're lying in bed, tangled together in the sheets on a hot summer night, and Inej takes his hand and gently spreads his fingers across her stomach. Kaz is like "ahh nice" and then "wait a minute" and sits bolt upright and doesn't even have to ask, Inej is smiling and laughing and nodding and this time there are no mixed emotions he's only excited because they're having another baby

Another baby girl, it turns out--Jasmijn Anaya Rietveld. Inej is shocked by the almost red hue of her hair--a drastic contrast to Rosie's near-black--but Kaz just shrugs and says Jordie's hair was kind of red when he was a kid and Inej is delighted she had no idea!

Now that they're evenly matched, parents to children, life becomes more complicated, and even with all their money Kaz simply does not trust almost anyone to help take care of the girls (Marya Hendricks is one exception). He ends up stepping a bit back from Dreg business to help take care of the girls when they're very little. Thankfully by this point the Dregs business practically runs itself, and he can take meetings at the house with his most trusted lieutenants (like Anika and Pim) to stay on top of things.

He's super involved, but his actual parenting takes a long time to get right. It's many, many years before he loses the instinct to praise the girls when they find a creative way to skirt the rules

Just kidding that instinct never goes away; he always feels proud when they manage to disobey without breaking a rule. He just gets better at being stern while reprimanding them and waiting until he's turned away to beam with pride.

He also makes the rules increasingly elaborate and detailed--he'll get rid of vague wording and imprecision as best as he can, and then it's a win-win: either they learn to follow the rules or they get really good at finding loopholes.

"Contracts, Kaz. You've got our daughters signing contracts"

"Don't be ridiculous Inej; any thinking judge would spot lesion a mile away--there's no way these 'contracts' are valid."

Then there are their little rituals; both girls know if they wake up early they can have a hot chocolate with Da before he goes to work, and they know that if they ask very nicely, and it's not too close to bedtime, he'll play them their favourite songs on the piano, so they can dance around the parlour like little hooligans until they're so tired he and Inej have to carry them upstairs to bed.

They also know that when Kaz is working from home, if they're quiet, they can go sit with him in his office. Jasmijn always climbs on his lap--she knows she has to stay on his good leg--which is lovely (years of hard work with Inej mean he never recoils at his daughters' touch), but it's never long before Jas gets chatty. Kaz never tells her she has to go, but Rosie (who is usually sitting in a chair in the corner of the office, reading a book) will repeatedly tell her to shhh Jas, Da is working.

Kaz teaches them to be dangerous girls, just like their Mama. He'll make sure they never ever need to be, but he and Inej agree that they're going to be straightforward with the girls about their lives, and that means they learn how to pick locks and fight dirty at three and six years old.

They get their knife-throwing lessons from Mama too. Strangely, no one has to teach them how to climb the side of a building.

Anyway. Rosanna and Jasmijn grow up loved to death by their Mama and Da, and of course all their numerous "aunts" and "uncles" (aka any of the higher-ranking Dregs with enough guts to teach the girls to call them aunt or uncle).

And every time Inej wakes up to find the other side of the bed empty, she doesn't worry. She knows she'll find Kaz in the chair in the girls' room, awake and watching them silently. She'll fall back asleep thinking how her Papa was right--she did find a boy who gave her her favourite flowers.

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anasticep · 3 years

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Why Julie and the Phantoms is a masterpiece of a show. Part 2. Heroes and Villains or Let that foil shine

NOTE: Thanks again for your kind response to Part 1. I never expected that. It being my first tumblr post and a first meta in quite a long time I was blown away. I read all the tags, some were really hilarious. About having more than one brain cell xDDD I laughed so hard. It means a lot.

NOTE2: Please remember that the gifs are made by me, so don't crop, edit or give as yours.

Part 1.

Before diving into meta, I have to mention that the Villain of the story is actually one of the best in the decade. He’s cool, evil from the start, we understand his motives and we certainly are not supposed to love and make excuses for him. The writers made sure of that. So back to the main topic.

A foil is a character who contrasts with another character; typically, a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist

Foils in literature are not necessarily antagonists. A friend can be a foil or sometimes even a thing, a song. Whatever can make a good and real contrast to the protagonist. But it’s not very simple to use this author’s device and not fall down a deep hole. Because you have to make sure you did just the right amount of work to make it understandable for a reader, the things you want to contrast are definitely there and still you don't waste a character. On TV it can be even harder given limited air time. And, well, I don’t come across this device being used in full very often nowadays. It’s usually good and evil fighting for the plot. That’s why I personally appreciate JaTP so much.

Caleb is clearly a foil to Luke. As much as I’d love to say that Julie also has one, that’s not entirely true, at least not this season. Carrie is not her foil though it may seem so, and I really think that’s cool as Julie’s journey is being presented through her own demons and I'm going to cover that next. That being said, of course Caleb doubles as an antagonist plotwise, but I personally consider him being written more as a contract to Luke so we could see and appreciate his character and journey better.

1. Origins

Caleb and Luke have extremely similar backgrounds. They are both natural performers. They know how to deliver, because c’mon, “Now or Never” is something and so is “The other side of Hollywood”. Stage is their natural habitat, their element, power. Although they channel this power from completely different places.

Let’s start with our little ball of energy. It’s emphasized TWICE that he doesn’t care about the money aka the physical side of art.

All Luke wants is to make music. Connect with people. He is so happy just to be heard despite him loving to perform. Making music is what makes him feel alive and basically that’s enough. I think if there was no “hologram” magic at all, Luke would have still been extremely happy to make music with and for Julie. Because that’s the way he is.

But Caleb doesn’t know that. He knows, and I’m standing by that, right away that Luke is the one to aim at. Because we always feel the similarity in people. If Luke said yes, Reggie and Alex would have followed. So Caleb recognizes the passion and shoots at them what he thinks is appealing. And, oh boy, he delivers.

“The Other Side of Hollywood” is a perfect song to emphasize Luke and Caleb being foils for each other. Follow me here:

But these lines come from very different places. For Caleb the only thing that matters is himself. He owns the show, he IS the show. It’s about being famous, drowning in applause, admiration. Look at how he performs. Confident, yes, but still very much in control. He must keep his perfect face. No flaws, no real emotions, no real connection (Did you miss ME? I did too // This band is back). Whereas Luke is simply living the best time of his life each time he performs. Is it just jamming? Bring it on. Doing fun riffs? He’s all for it. He doesn’t care how he looks (though who could deny gorgeous sweaty Luke), he owns the show just because he is a natural.

So back to the business. Caleb immediately puts the boys in his own shoes:

On the other side we live like kings // Your soulprint on the walk of fame on the boulevard of your wildest dreams // I got your glamour, got your gold, got all you’ll ever need

And, I mean, he is not that wrong. You can see the appeal on the boys’ faces. They are young, passionate, handsome, talented musicians. Of course they wouldn’t deny fame. Of course they would want all that to some extent. And Caleb is very sure he pulled the right strings.

Watch me make a move, I’m your number one choice

Also I have to mention, as we are talking about TOSOH (IKEA name again) and it being a foil for Luke, thy lyrics still don’t forget about what is important for Reggie and Alex (we’ll talk about that just a bit later):

Welcome to the brotherhood -> Reggie

Where you won’t be misunderstood -> Alex

Then again, lots of foreshadowing in the song, if you listen carefully the lyrics are stressing the true colors of the offer:

A tomb with a view

Man, what a metaphor. I would have run out of there the minute I heard this line. But our boys share one brain cell (I can’t get over how funny this is) and it’s currently taken by Julie, so I don’t blame them.

Disappointment is huge. Caleb read it all wrong. So we are moving to the next point in our Heroes and Villains essay.

2. Recruitment

It’s very cool that Caleb offers the boys to join his band right after Luke offers Julie to join Sunset Curve. They both are going out of their ways to get that (although have different budgets apparently. But look, they live in a garage). Luke made a hit with a bunch of Julie’s not very well structured lines (I love Flying Solo with all my heart as a song, but as a poem it just looks weird to me) to impress her, and we all saw the show Caleb had thrown to impress the boys. Plus food. And fancy dancing. But here is where contrast comes again.

Caleb offers to join the band, yes, but only as backup singers. It’s his show, remember? It’s only about him. He doesn’t care if they are even good. He wants their magic under control.

Share the spotlight with ME / How do you like MY new band?!

Luke offering Julie a spot in the band is a completely different story. He saw what she is capable of. He instantly knows she must be the key to a new sound, a new level. And he, a natural performer, frontman, lead guitarist, steps back and gives the spotlight to Julie. To think about it, he could have just got her magic under control by giving her simple lines, incorporating piano in the songs and that’s all. They would be visible, he would still be a center of attention, and Julie herself wouldn't mind that much. But that’s not who Luke is. Yes, there is a funny scene of “Hey, I’m your lead singer” and “you don’t have to be mean”, but it’s just messing around. Because right after that he finishes Flying Solo, writes several other songs with Julie, seeks her approval of Sunset Curve songs and basically follows her around like an adorable excited puppy.

Moving on and back to the rejection. Again the writers are mirroring them. Julie quits the band & the boys decline the offer. What does Luke do? Well, he tries the way he knows: books a gig, makes Reggie and Alex sing in perfect harmonies and does his puppy eyes thing. And it doesn’t work. And Luke goes to reflect and then probably try to come up with a plan. But something tells me he would not have haunted Julie until she joined them.

What does Caleb do after the initial rejection? Puts a cursed stamp that leaves them no choice but to join HGC. You don’t need to say more.

But in fact the more I think about it, the more I suspect Caleb also not possessing enough mental capacity for a human being. Like, if it wasn’t for Willie, how would they even know? Has Caleb planned to simply show up one day and casually explain? Look, foils in everything.

“You’re in a tough spot… So, you wanna join the band?” | “Looked like it hurt… you know where to find me”

But we sidestepped a bit.

3. Pulling the strings

After the song Caleb comes out to consolidate his success. What he does is clever and, btw, that’s the only time he becomes Julie’s foil. They are stating basically the same thing.

Again, Julie is concerned about the band and the boys, while Caleb is only concerned about having them under control. But they both are pulling basically the right strings.

What is interesting, Caleb actually impressed the wrong person (and that person is our sweet Reggie). Luke follows the string Julie pulled. Although the offer is tempting, he insists twice that they are in a band already directly to Caleb and then in Eats&Beats he says "It's like Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound». No matter what Caleb promised, Luke is not affected at all although Caleb’s offer is a very-very safe choice.

Speaking about using friends as foils, Alex and Reggie also serve as contrast characters for Luke at some points. Luke’s indifference to money is first stressed through Alex who is clearly the chief accountant for the band. His lines about not getting tips, living in a garage and «it’s a little bit about the money» are waved aside by Luke. Reggie is clearly the most affected by the whole Bobbie thing. His lines «I don’t care what Julie said, I’m glad we scared Bobbie», «So we’re gonna forget about getting back at Trevor?» are getting a clear contrast by Luke’s «It’s what Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound» and «He has to live with that guilt».

While editing the article I realised a very cool thing I haven't noticed before. How badly Luke wants to go on tour. And again that's another thing Caleb offers as if reading his mind. That's actually brilliant, to think about it.

Caleb is a VERY good reader. He tests the waters with a speech about disappearing from stage and going around the world and all dreams coming true. Still he doesn’t know the boys and especially Luke, so his phrase “no real connection” doesn’t register that much.

But he learns. Remember the lines I’ve marked before?

Reggie is afraid they will not be together after they cross over. He is in desperate need of a family. So wouldn’t it be nice to spend the rest of your afterlife with your brothers? (Reggie's main insecurity is loneliness, feel of a broken family. That's why he is the most concerned about crossing over. Will his family stay intact?)

Alex is insecure, and not being understood by the people closest to him will always hit hard. So welcome to a place where you won’t be misunderstood. And actually we know there is a guy you like and find comfort in. (Alex's insecurity is growing up in times when he could not truly be himself even with his family and for sure not believing he would ever be able to find someone meant just for him)

That mirrors the whole Luke’s beach speech perfectly. Only comparing them we can truly appreciate why Luke is the leader. He shuts down his own demons to make Alex and Reggie remember that they are not alone (“and I believe in you”. sorry. Olicity fan).

Caleb makes them suffer to get what he wants. But this time he is careful with the words aimed at Luke. Yes, he repeats his words about vanishing and applauses BUT he makes sure that his words about CONNECTION are the key words for Luke. Intense look, calming voice, touching - these are all elements of hypnosis. And Luke is in a daze. (Continuing the parents' thing, for Luke the main insecurity is not managing to connect with his mom. Maybe that's such a big thing for him: through all these people he wanted to find that connection with her)

4. The Hero’s journey

That’s the best part actually but I won’t be saying anything new or that you don’t know. Luke is made of lyrics and music. That’s his soul, heart, that’s the feeling running through his veins. He doesn’t need anything other than that in his life. Playing for eternity is “a gift no musician would ever turn down”. But he actually does turn it down. As well as his dream to go see the world with his band (is there covid in jatp universe?). He is the one who resists the hardest to the pull. Luke, who always has a guitar in his hands, doesn't want to play. Because it’s not only about the music now. He has this amazing girl in his afterlife who was willing to accept them for who they were, helped Luke battle his own demons, eased his pain and made him open up. And it doesn’t make sense any longer without her anymore. “And you’re a part of me now till eternity”.

Caleb, being Luke’s foil, completely misses the whole point of connection. It’s not in his nature. His house band are just recruits (Just so happens you’re in luck we’ve got a vacancy). For Luke his band is his family (We are the only family we ever gonna need). The Connection theme is one of the main in the show. And it’s so cool to show it focused through Luke whose best way of interaction is a touch. But not being able to touch Julie Luke has to find other ways, although it’s not that simple for him. And Julie backs that up: We connect in so many other ways. They literally touched each other's souls. Without knowing she put a stamp of her own on Luke, Alex and Reggie. They’ve never felt loved enough, appreciated enough, supported enough. They’ve only had each other. And Julie’s stamp is love. And for Luke (as well as Reggie and Alex) from now on this girl is worth dying for all over again.

_______

So yeah. I hope you enjoyed it, as I for sure enjoyed writing. There is gonna be a part 3 about Julie and a few honorable mentions of parallels of the Pilot and the Finale (I hope at least to do all that). I’ve also figured very very cool connections in the songs and I can’t wait to share.

Also as I was heavily speaking about The Other side of Hollywood, @catty-words has a wonderful meta on rain metaphors here (sorry for tagging, if you don't want to be tagged), check it out if you somehow missed it. It's super clever.

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #julie molina #luke patterson #reggie peters #alex mercer #jatp meta #jatp analysis #my gifs #my edits #don't crop #please be nice #caleb covington #ana's meta #am i smart? i am #having more brain cells then sunset curve

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papakhan · 3 years

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how do you think the khans would react to someone from arroyo. do you think they feel anger over the Vault Dweller and Chosen One?

I'm honestly not really sure. I would have thought under the New Khans, Darion might have made people keep an eye on Arroyo and the Vault Dweller in a "bide time while gathering strength to get revenge" sorta way, but he didn't do anything for 80 years which says to me he never got the stones to order any attack, and maybe decided that killing Tandi was more worthwhile...

Then when the Chosen one came and killed them all again. Then it'd sorta depend on how the remaining Khans would individually feel rather than the obsessive personal hatred Darion held for the Vault Dweller.

tbh I can see it being quite political and debated in the Great Khans. There's gotta be some New Khans who were glad Darion died, or believed he got what was coming to him. Esp in my interpretation where the Khans who survived were viewed as unpopular and weak to other New Khans. Maybe people who realised later how much better things were without him and without Vault 15. Parents who joke about how their kids would have never survived the initiation in the old days, then it dawns on them just how horrible that is. But then there's gotta be others who think he was a great leader who outsmarted the NCR for decades. And of course, people just living in the moment and not really caring anymore.

Papa leading the Khans out of California entirely sounds like trying to put distance between them and their past, only for him to fall into the same trap of "revenge above all logic" as his predecessor later in life. I don't think he'd particularly care where you came from, since they, the NCR, the Jackals and the Vipers all came from Vault 15. What would matter is what you make yourself to be now. If you're an enemy of the Khans you're an enemy of the Khans, if you're a friend then you're a friend. He kinda doesn't have the energy that Darion did.

For other Khans it'd probably depend on who you talk to and how old they are, but it's a coin flip between "total indifference" and "hissing disapproval", since it is a territory of the NCR.

I do also think it'd kinda weird that the Great Khans in New Vegas don't reference the Chosen one or Vault Dweller at all. I mean I guess i'm kinda grateful that the Khan's one purpose wasn't reduced to referencing the old games but they're like the one faction you can actually get away with it but you only get that line from Ezekiel about how the dates the Khans gave him don't add up for the Vault Dweller and the Chosen one to be the same person, which is funny to be anyway.

Anyway much to think about..

#sorry i just rambled loads lmao. i feel like i didnt really answer your question but thank you for asking!#tldr answer: UH. it depends <3 #long post /#lost-in-interwebs #asks #headcanons

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scarluxia · 3 years

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Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

#ableism #depression #rejection sensitive dysphoria #sensory sensitivity #child neglect #child abuse #resource insecurity?#i forgot about the part where someone tried to mansplain Christian gatekeeping to me #emotional abuse #polyamory but make it toxic #suicidal ideation

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weepylucifer · 4 years

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For the shipping meme: Thomas/David: 11, 13, 24, Thomas/Peter: 12, 5, 26. (And I know I'm greedy... Sue me. :p)

Oh, greedy isn’t what I’d call it. After all, you’re enabling MEEEEE to talk about things I’m obsessed with!!

So, for Thomas/David:

11. What do they hide from one another?

You’re probably expecting something dramatic, most likely war-related here, but really I feel like it’s the mundane things. They’re partners in war crime. They realized at some point that if they keep battle-related things to themselves and let them fester between them, if there is any pretense or denial between them in this whatsoever, it will take over everything and break them. So this, they share.

But... David doesn’t actually like when Thomas teases him about his scientific work, even if it’s “just” friendly ribbing. He considers it belittling. But he doesn’t know how to bring that up, and is afraid that if he does he’ll be made fun of, so he doesn’t say anything. David’s fiercely envious of Thomas’s natural talent, and only applies himself so hard in the first place to be the Foremost Magical Empiricist bc he feels he’s playing catch-up with his boyfriend. He cannot tell Thomas that. Meanwhile Thomas only ever makes fun of David’s work because he cannot understand it and there are moments when that makes him feel stupid. Like all he’s good at is stuff that comes to him completely without thinking, magic and rugby and sucking dick while David is so smart. Both are sometimes lying up at night afraid the other will notice that they’re vastly not good enough and will leave. This is never ever discussed.

13. When do they realise they should get together?

Hmmm. Funny enough I think that’s not Casterbrook. That could plausibly be filed later under “schoolboys just goofing off this means nothing no homo old chap”. It takes them graduating, Thomas going abroad and eventually coming back. They take one look at each other, reuniting on a train station, Thomas with a fetching tan and a plethora of stories, and realize like a stroke of lightning just how much they have missed each other, not just having someone, but specifically each other. How they yearned and pined and fretted over every letter. They take that one look at each other and are simultaneously like “This is he, the one I love, we are going to exist as lovers together”

24. Where do they first have sex?

Like in their fuckin... dorm? Idk, where do boarding school people have sex

For Thomas/Peter:

12. What first changes when it starts getting serious?

The atmosphere at work. It’s like, do they or do they not treat each other differently when out on the job? Also, privately, Peter would be permitted insight into things as Thomas’s lover that he had no way of ever seeing as Thomas’s apprentice, even as they were sharing a house. This is when Peter truly learns what a deeply weird human being Thomas is. Like, he’s had up to zero socialisation for 70some years, apart from Molly, who is great but not really a shining example of normal human behavior. I bet Thomas had just a dizzying array of weird quirks and ingrained habits that developed in all the decades when nobody was watching him, and as his boyfriend Peter has to deal with all of this now. (Also “wow my boss has a tragic and heroic war backstory” is a bit of a different thing to handle than “my boyfriend, a veteran with PTSD, woke me up flailing and muttering in his sleep about killing nazis - again”)

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

God. Does anyone? Maybe as like a “Oh shit, I blurted this out in a dangerous situation or in the middle of sex, do we have to address this now?” thing. Probably Peter. Thomas would politely keep it to himself forever if it’s up to him.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

Hmmm. Probably just getting into that relationship either requires serious negotiation, or they decide to just wing it and never speak about it, and then later they have to admit this didn’t pan out, and actually have a talk about what they are to each other. Later, they could have serious chats about any number of topics. Something to the tenor of “Get therapy” (could come from either side) for example. Other potential talking points include “Our Class Difference 101″, “There Will Be No Makeouts During Practice”, “Just Keep Your Bloody Phone On You Okay” and “David”

#answer'd #thomavid #starlingale #peter brings slides to our class difference 101

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allonsyroleplaythings · 3 years

Text

Koysta

Birth Date: Dragon Age 9:09, 3rd Month of Drakonis, 9th Day Birth Place/Home-town: Somewhere in Ferelden, but as he's from a wandering Dalish clan, no one remembers precisely Relationship Status: Single, but obsessed with the idea of getting Megara back one day Sexuality: Straight Occupation: Power hungry elf who hates humans Class: Mage - specialises in Blood Magic Nickname/Alias: Nan is a name he often gives people after he survived the fire, in elven it means "revenge; vengeance". He goes by various aliases though depending on where he is and what his mood is. Alignment: chaotic evil Loyalty: To himself, to being powerful and to one day seeing the elves rule the world, preferably with him somewhere on top of it all. He's seen to be helping the Venatori in their search for elven artefacts but it's an act to get the artefacts for himself, he's only pretending to help them. Personality

Essentially a classic Narcissist who also happens to be power hungry, blames humans for subjugating the elves (even though let's face it, he'd be more than happy to subjugate everyone beneath him, cuz in his mind he's better than everyone). Despises any elf that turns their back on their origins and history. Despises the Qunari and any elf that joins the Qunari. Despises the chantry for trying to control things they don't understand. He's a very angry at the world kinda guy here, blames everyone else for his problems except himself. He has a sense of humour, if you call dark twisted sarcastic stuff humour. [h2]History[/h2] Early life was fairly typical of one born to a wandering Dalish elf clan. His clan travelled widely between Ferelden and the Dales, sometimes even further into Orlais depending on the season and events taking place at the time. He was shown to have magical talent at the early age of nine and was apprenticed under the Keeper, eventually becoming the Keeper's First. He became childhood sweethearts with Megara, his first and only true love, though to be honest I'm not entirely sure he's capable of true love, probably more an obsession thing. Around the time the Fifth Blight was beginning, the clan was travelling around parts of Ferelden. Koysta was obsessed with the time when elves were bigger, always searching out old ruins to find elven artefacts of power. At some point on one of the times that Koysta wandered from camp, one of the elven children followed him without his knowledge. Koysta ran into some darkspawn in a cave he was exploring and he was fine but the child was injured and inflicted with the taint. Koysta decided to use this opportunity to try and use blood magic to save the child. Not that he really cared if the child lived or died per se, but he wanted to see if blood magic would work. He took the child to a secluded spot away from the Dalish encampment, little did he know Megara found them and from her perspective just saw Koysta doing weird blood magic on a young child, without all the facts she took it upon herself to attack and the result was a lot of fire. He was badly burnt and unconscious, heartbeat so low and undetectable people thought he was dead, Megara certainly believed he was dead. Surprise, not dead, he managed to flee and eventually came across another Dalish clan also in Ferelden and they did their best to heal him. However, he was too badly burnt, it was a miracle he was alive at all, and the scars could not be fixed. Koysta found out a year later that Megara had been kicked out of the clan for what happened. He considered going to look for her then, but he was disfigured, still very weak and he decided to wait. For the last decade or so, he's travelled the world, gathering knowledge, building up an even deeper hatred for humans and elves that turn their back on their history. In many ways he wants revenge on Meg for what happened, he believes that if she had just stopped to ask what was going on she'd realise he was trying to cure the boy of the taint. However, he is also still deeply obsessed with her (or in his mind in love with her, love obsession, same thing really) and wants to convince her to be with him so they can seek power together. At times the last year he has assisted the Venatori in researching elven artefacts, not because he believes in their cause, but because he seeks this power for himself. They don't know yet, but he has an agenda to steal any artefacts they find for himself and is only pretending to be with their cause. The Venatori have not caught on to this yet, or that he's stolen a few smaller artefacts for himself, though nothing of significant power. Appearance

Above is what he looked like before he was essentially set on fire and left for dead. He's not very happy that he now looks like an ugly prune fucked an ugly avocado and he blames Megara. Abilities

Mage, blood magic, he can speak five languages fluently (Elvish, Common tongue, Tevene, Orlesian and Rivaini), he also knows some Qunlat and Antivan but not fluently. Very knowledgeable of the history of Thedas and the Elves especially. He knows a lot about elven artefacts of power. He's heard through sources that the Inquisition needs help with artefacts and figuring out how to close the rifts, but he refuses to help. Current Situation

He wants to get Megara back one day by any means necessary. He blames her for why his face looks like it does, but he's also still very obsessed with her, bordering on crazy. Future Spoilers

If he lives through the next year, he'd be first in line to sign up to help Solas with his crazy plans (assuming he gets a place of power when all is said and done). He's a big fan of the dread wolf, his favourite elven god actually, so meeting Solas one day when the truth is out would be like meeting his idol, he'd be like crazy excited.

#dragon age inquisition #roleplay #oc #koysta #elf #ryan reynolds

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