#and its my familys first Christmas since my grandma on my dad's side has passed

[lunarscaled]

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!! 🎄🎁

[letstalkaboutitvr]

I grew up in a Mexican household.

And that’s really all the background I want to give.

My mom,dad and 2 elder sisters.

My grandpa,grandma and uncles lived on the first floor and us on the second.

I remember feeling some peace at the time knowing my family was all in one home.

It wasn’t until I was older I realized how rare that housing situation was.

I have a handful of happy memories as a kid.

Fireworks on the 4th,Playing in the snow while my dad or one of my uncles shoveled the yard.

Doing Christmas pageants for the church.

Summer nights where my uncles would have a beer,sit down and just chat.

That is such a distant memory now.

Sometimes I try to find the exact moment where my paternal family side became so overcome by religion. It wasn’t always that way and I remember that clearly.

Maybe it came with their adulthood,maybe that’s where they found peace and the ability to forgive and cope. My mother had always been religious. I remember going to late night church retreats,falling asleep on the pews.

Church every Sunday,and the rosary at a strangers house every Thursday.

I remember hating it.

I didn’t want to be home. But I didn’t want to be there. It’s not like I had a fantasy to being playing with my friends or playing video games. Neither of those things were allowed to my sisters and I growing up.

Attending church was what they expected of us.

All fueled by the ignorance that religion would save us from repeating her past.

Catholicism was sewn into to me since I was born. God was in every inch of my life. That’s terrifying as a child. Being on your toes and worrying about existing. Because anything and everything was sinful. As a child I would sob quietly in the middle of the night worried about my fathers soul. Worried about my sisters souls. I begged God that if the time came to take me instead. I would suffer through Hell for eternity. I would pay for my sins and theirs.

I had to be only 6 years old.

What life is that? What kind of 6 year old needs to worry about that?

Even now it brings tears to my eyes, because I think of my son who is about the same age I was. And I can’t even imagine him suffering through something so great. I cry for my inner child.

I was taught that God is merciful,he will forgive you. (Under the right conditions)

And you should also forgive others.

But pain isn’t so easy. And traumas are hard to pass. There were many times after my father had finished beating my mother I felt so angry.

I felt so guilty for being angry. I felt hopeless. And I was angry about that too. When I think about it,I was never taught to blame my father.

Not from my sisters and definitely not from my grandparents. It was always “blame the alcohol”, its the “alcohol. It’s poising his soul”.

Now as an adult,I realized that to my father,

Alcohol was the cure to the poison and pain he endured as a child.

From what I hear my grandfather was pretty wealthy growing up. His family owned a lot of land. They were farmers. He set his eyes on my grandmother while she was only 13. I’m not sure I remember his exact age. But he was maybe about 16. I don’t believe he chose her out of love. I guess I never bothered to ask. Everything that followed however,proves that love was never in the picture. My father would tell me how my grandfather would beat my grandmother day in and day out. And he would hit them too. A story I knew too well. They were children and they would drink their fathers booze. Those poor children. Never stepping in. Never fighting back. Their souls were in pain. No one did anything about it. No one said anything. Because it seemed normal.

When I first heard this story from my father I was so surprised. I knew he was drunk but the pain behind the words were all too real. Because that pain was the same thing I was feeling. So it had to be true. My grandfather has always been a symbol of true love to me.

He was where I felt love and loved. He would sit us on his lap. He walked us to the bus stop Give us sweets and tell us jokes. He was kind growing up and that’s all I ever saw him as. Kind.

This is another reason I believe my fathers family turned to religion. To cling on to an idea that God put this suffering in their way. That God had a greater purpose for all the pain. To have a vessel for forgiveness because they had nothing else. No one broke the chain of generational trauma. And more and more children had to suffer because of it.

It all made sense after my father told me. As a kid it was very simple because abuse “just happened. “ and you had to just sit with it.

Forgive your dad. He’s sorry. He loves you guys. Tell your mom to forgive him. Tell him to stop drinking.

Those words hurt to remember.

I was a child. My sisters and I children and I can’t imagine what they remember and understood since they were older. Why put all that weight on children?

When your job as adults was to protect us. To keep us safe and away from the pain you all suffered as children. Why did we have to suffer too? Why was my mother left as a sacrifice for my father to take out all the pain his father left him? Why was I supposed to forgive that?

My fathers families persistence on my mother staying,and excusing my father is something that is still fresh to me. I’m not sure if that’s anything I’ve ever forgave or will forgive.

I think that’s something that my inner child would need to move past. And I don’t think she’s able.

Years later when she had finally taking enough beatings and more fear than she could handle my mother left. That must’ve been so hard. So scary. I was so relieved. I felt peace. No longer did I have to wake up every night to sleep in my parents bed in hopes that my father might spare my mother because I was in-between them.

My mother had stopped going to church at that point. But my fathers family entry was deep. We lived with the most religious of my uncles and his family. I will always be grateful he gave us a home. A place to try and start again. But that’s all. The memories were dry. And suffocating.

I was a teenager at this point so giving a shit about what I looked like and what people and boys thought about me was so important.

Social media was new and cellphones started to become a thing. Yet here we were

,No using the computer,no hanging out with friends. Go to school. Come home. Do homework. Go to church.

Every Tuesday. Every Thursday. Every Saturday night or Sunday. No freedom to refuse.

My father kept trying to mend things with my mother and she wasn’t having it. I was angry at first because my father seemed different. I wanted to believe he changed so badly. Due to this “change” my fathers family wanted my mom to get back with my father. I’m not sure if it was for appearance purposes or because my dad was whining about it and wouldn’t let it go. I hated that part. Having me tru to choose. Try to coerce my mother. Why should I? She was happy. We were safe. She was safe.

They hated my mother for this. For standing her ground. For wanting to get out. For not sticking it out.

Now I wish I could tell my grandmother. “You could’ve left too. You could’ve saved yourself and your children.

You were allowed to hate him and be angry. “

A cycle of pain weaved into our family name.

[thekillerssluts]

Arcade Fire’s Will Butler speaks to the ‘Generations’ with new album

Will Butler has no plan B.

Fortunately his day job is working out: As a multi-instrumentalist in the band Arcade Fire he’s doing well by any musical measure. He has also released a pair of albums on his own, including the new “Generations,” a wide-open title that speaks to the mechanisms of American culture and also to the fact that he followed a familial trailhead into music.

“I’m glad it worked out because I had no other plan,” he says. “And I’ve now done this so long, I’m better at music than anything else I could do. So this is what I do.”

As a title and indicator of things to come, “Generations” is a broad and evocative one. On one hand, Butler is making commentary on cultural trends that pass along almost imperceptibly. And while the album isn’t a direct nod to family the way Arcade Fire’s “Funeral” was, it does touch on the fact that Butler’s family has been in the business of entertaining for, well, generations. Though largely recorded in the basement of his Brooklyn, N.Y., home, “Generations” buzzes with vaudevillian life, a connection to Butler’s mother, a classical harpist, and his grandparents, big band leader Alvino Rey and big band singer Luise King.

“Even before them, Luise’s dad was the last son of a polygamist homesteader in Utah in the 1870s who wanted to be a musician,” Butler says. “My grandma wrote a memoir about him, a total maniac who had eight kids and made them into a proto-vaudeville band touring the west. They’d play shows, default on money owed, and then get run out of town.

“So me and my brother (Win) are very much conscious that we’re the inheritors of 150 years of culture in a certain way. So you think about stuff happening in the middle of the 19th century and how it affects your present day life. That’s the personal side, then there’s the political level with all that is happening, which is also concretely dependent on the past few generations.”

The cover of “Generations” bears a red, perhaps bloody, fingerprint: A basic mark of existence that also carries some implication of accusation. It’s a perfect visual for a record that churns with conflict, both internal and external. Butler says the album’s songs also sprung from a detachment from generations as culturally defined. At 37, he’s a little late to be categorized as Gen X but he doesn’t feel fully like a Millennial.

“I feel like the world’s oldest Millennial,” he says. “Which offers its own perspective. It’s funny, you find yourself bargaining between generations.”

He also feels like he floats geographically. Butler and Win, frontman for Arcade Fire, were born in California, but their parents moved to Texas for work, and both grew up in The Woodlands before starting their band in Montreal.

Both left the suburbs to perch in other creative havens. For Butler that means Brooklyn, where he made his first solo album since “Policy” five years ago. Most of the work on the album was completed before March, when everything shut down. Despite its completion date, the album bristles with the anxiety and reflection that has become so familiar over the past six months. “Outta Here” opens the record and states an agitation and a sense of letting go. “Bethelehem” develops its tension by juxtaposing lyrics about circling birds and graves with some la-la-las. He sets things at the cemetery’s edge rather than its gate, “so it’s not a literal rip off of a Smith’s move.”

So Butler wasn’t so much prescient, but rather writing a symphony for difficult times that happened to begin to crescendo just as he completed his album. He handles it with a little Randy Newman-esque humor on “Fine,” and with teeth-grinding anxiety elsewhere as he ponders shootings in public spaces on “Promised,” which was informed by the shooting at the Bataclan theater in Paris in 2015.

“I’d never played the venue, I didn’t have friends or crew there,” he says. “But it still felt so personal. So I was Christmas shopping in Manhattan later. I walked into a Sephora in Midtown and it was super-crowded, and I had this moment of fear. And also this sense that ‘I don’t want to (expletive) die picking up lipstick for my wife’s sister on Fifth Avenue.’ And these (expletive) made me think about that for one second. And it made me angry at everybody playing politics with this type of thing, even American politicians talking about it. So that’s my angry song. Inspired by a visit to a Sephora. On Fifth Avenue.”

https://preview.houstonchronicle.com/music/arcade-fire-s-will-butler-speaks-to-the-15583977

[rons-hermiones]

Come Find Me

Come Find Me

by rons-hermiones

Summary: Unplanned, Hermione is forced to spend Christmas at the Burrow due to her grandmother falling very ill. After being ignored by Hermione for weeks, Ron is determined to show her how much she means to him. Just before he gets the chance to tell her, Bellatrix Lestrange shows up with other plans for Hermione. Can Ron get to her before it's too late? (Ron/Hermione Half-Blood Prince AU)

Rating: M for language & dark themes in later chapters.

Chapter Twenty Two

Ron hadn’t said a word all morning. He’s of course been quiet since everything went down just what, two weeks ago? 

The person he has the least trouble talking to is Harry. His whole family and The Order are right devastated, but no one gets how he feels quite like Harry does. 

Her parents were an entirely different story. 

That day when they left Hampstead Hermione’s parents had showered the three boys with tender embraces and promises that things would be alright. But that shouldn’t be the case. 

Not when Ron was responsible for this whole thing. Not when he spent more of his time at the Granger residence locked away in Hermione’s room, explaining to her father all the times he’s been a right tit to her over a game of chess. 

He should’ve been the one giving the reassurances that he would get their daughter back, not the other way around. 

That was only two days ago. 

Now he stands on the chaos that is Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, still having not spoken a peep to anyone. Not even when Harry told him he’d been screaming for Hermione again in his sleep last night. 

However, time was running down as the Hogwarts Express rolled up and opened its doors. 

His Mum was tearful, more so than usual, probably with the notion of sending three of her mourning children off to school. 

That’s right, three. Ginny, Ron, and Harry. 

“Come here sweet girl, promise me you’ll write darling.” Molly cried into Ginny’s shoulder, the girl stifling a nod through sniffles. 

Soon, Mrs.Weasley pulled away to embrace Harry tightly, her sobs only becoming louder, causing a slight scene. 

Arthur noticed and gently patted her back as he turned to Ron, “I know you can do this son.” He said in a whisper. 

After a moment he spoke, “I don’t know if I can Dad.” This man right here is his hero. He couldn’t help but be honest with him. 

He dropped his hand from his wife’s shoulder and switched it atop Ron’s. “I know you can do this Ron, I know you’ll be strong. For Hermione.” He told his boy, who somehow has grown into a man.  

Knowing his fathers words to be true, the youngest Weasley brother managed a nod as he grasped at his Dad’s shoulders. 

“Someone will be sent there within the week, yeah? Make sure everything’s alright down in Hampstead.” 

“I promise Ronnie. I’ll see to it myself. Someone from The Order will check the wards and debrief the Granger’s.” Arthur swore. 

As they departed a few days ago, Bill had promised Hugo and Jean someone within the Order would be stopping by to properly debrief them and check the wards. Ron was determined to make sure this promise was kept. 

“Swear to me Dad that you’ll write if anything changes,” his father opens his mouth, “I know Mum thinks I’m too young and it’s too dangerous, but I’m going mental as is, I reckon it’ll only get worse at school. Please promise me you’ll tell me what’s being done if anything, anything at all changes. Please?” He begs. 

After a few moments, a little misty eyed, the man nods, “I promise son. I promise.” 

The conversation ends as Molly halts herself at her youngest son. Crying and whispering sweet nothings. Words of encouragement. The promise to bring Hermione home. 

“I promise Ronnie, she’ll come back. She’ll come home.” She cried softly. 

He rubs his mother’s back gently, “I’ll hold you to it Mum.” Ron responds, just as tenderly. 

At this Molly pulls away to gaze up at her son, who now towers over her. So proud of the man he’s become. At the things he’s able to face. 

And she tells him as much, “I’m so proud of you Ronnie. Please know it, I am. You’re so strong.” She fusses with his hair gently. 

Not willing to let himself cry here, he leans forward and places a soft kiss on his Mum’s cheek. Really caring less who saw. 

“I’ll write, okay?” 

“Okay.” She answers, stepping back into her husbands awaiting arms. 

A whistle sounds as more kids pile onto the train. 

“You guys need anything to help you out,” Fred winks, “you just owl us, we’ll send it in a tick.” 

“On the house.” George promises, clapping Ron on the back as he smiles at Harry. 

“Goodbye gits.” Ginny supplies with a watery smile. 

The pair of them just grin back, silently wishing the three of them luck. Letting them know to be strong through a simple expression. 

As they turn to board, Harry whispers low in Ron’s ear, “it’ll be alright mate. It will.” 

Not in the mood for sentiments any longer, the ginger just grumbles. “Let’s get on this ruddy thing before anyone finds us.” 

Somehow, they managed to discreetly find a private compartment, drawing the shade and sitting in silence. 

As the engine gained speed and the train began rolling forward, Ron blocked out whatever nonsense Ginny and Harry were going on about. Instead, he watched the pastures speed by. 

It all felt so wrong. 

For the first time since he was eleven he sat here in this compartment, in their compartment, without her here. It was almost too much to bear. 

No asking if he’d catch up on any assignments. No listening to her talk about her holiday as her eyes shined with joy. No shutting Harry down for wild theories. 

Nothing. 

And despite Harry and Ginny rattling off nearby, there’s nothing. 

Just silence. 

Apparently, a lot of time passed with Ron sitting like that. Gazing out the window and feeling empty. 

The only thing that pulled him from his trance hours later was the door sliding open. He gazed at it with hope, because for some stupid reason, for one second, he imagined Hermione being on the other side. 

Of course, she wasn’t.  

“Oh finally! I’ve checked just about every compartment.” Neville told them, taking a seat next to Ginny. Diagonal from Ron. 

He soon reverted his eyes back to the window, hoping Neville would leave him be. He wasn’t in the mood to socialize. 

“Hey Neville.” Harry said, sitting up and trying to smile, though it faltered. 

However, the fellow Gryffindor didn’t seem to notice. 

“How was everyone’s holiday? Mine was quite good if I say. You see here,” he held up a pot with a pretty flower, “this is a Whispering Lily, my Gran managed to get one, rare things they are. I’m not even entirely sure what it can do. I just know it’s properties are similar to a Dancing Daisy.” He sounded off like they understood. 

“You see I was hoping Hermione could help me, I’d bet she knows. I can nurse plants, sure, but knowing everything about them? Not particularly. So where is she?” He finished, at the mention of her name Ron finally looked up. 

“She's not here.” Harry said shakily, though calm. 

“Oh, loo?” He figured. 

Ginny shook her head, “no Neville she’s not here. As in, she’s not on the train.”

It took a moment but it finally registered with him what Ginny was saying. Neville knew Hermione wouldn’t miss school for anything. Unless of course..

“No! We’ve been owling over holiday, we had been sending letters back and forth, she told me about her Gran!” He exclaimed in disbelief. 

For a brief moment something bubbled deep within Ron. It wasn’t the same insane jealousy he felt when he thought of Hermione and Viktor Krum, but it was more feelings of disappointment. Disappointment in the fact that she didn’t feel sure enough to find that sort of comfort within Ron, despite sharing the same house. 

He soon pushed away those thoughts because soon enough something dawned on him, “When was the last time you owled her?” He finally spoke harshly. 

Neville jumped at the aggression behind his words and the look in his eyes, “uh I don’t know!” 

Ron leaned forward, determined to know the truth. He knew it was far fetched to think she was owling Neville somewhere but at this point he wanted to cling to anything. 

At his look, the brunette shut his eyes in thought, “I sent a letter late Christmas Eve night, it probably arrived in the morning. I haven’t heard from her since. I swear.” He said defensively, though unsure why. 

Harry flicked his gaze to Ron’s nodding at Neville’s words. He can recall the golden owl that he knows to belong to Grandma Longbottom pecking on the Burrow window while the Weasley’s were at Muriel’s. 

At the chosen one's gesture, the red head eased a bit, though his stomach was still turning. The brief hope now squashed and turned into terrible parasites. 

“What’s this all about then? The lot of you are acting like wherever Hermione is she’ll never come back.” Neville piped up after the long tense silence. 

“Of course she’s coming back!” Ron snapped sharply before he could help himself, causing the other boy to flinch. 

“What I think he means is,” Harry starts softer, “is that Hermione’s Grandmother passed over holiday so she’s gone home to Hampstead to deal with it all and the arrangements.” He said, voice quivering over the lie, but to Neville it appeared as mere sadness for their friend. 

“Oh Merlin! That’s terrible! Harry, please tell me next time you write her, will you? I’d like to send a letter out with Hedwig.” He responded sadly. 

At this, the dark haired boy could only morosely nod. 

“Have you heard from her? Is she alright?” He asked next, frantically searching their eyes. 

“No Neville. We haven’t.” The youngest Weasley brother said to them. 

He knew he was letting his anger get the best of him. Not anger at Neville, but at the situation he, Harry, and Ginny have been put in. More importantly, the unknown situation that Ron can only imagine is a grueling hell that Hermione’s in. 

Neville takes a shaky breath, “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you Ron.”

Suddenly he feels guilty, but can’t bring himself to justify his behavior. 

“Ron’s just a little upset, him and Hermione never got to say goodbye.” Ginny commented softly, placing a gentle hand on Neville’s arm. 

“I’m sorry mate,” and again, Neville’s apology feels wrong, like the roles should be reversed, “tell me you sorted everything out with her, yeah?” He asked hopefully. 

Nothing came from the ginger but a rough growl, anger displacing his sadness yet again. 

Sensing as much, Ginny piped up with raised eyebrows and a tone that left no room for argument, “Ron, don't you have a prefect’s meeting?” 

And he did. Normally Hermione would drag him there ten minutes early, but this is how things are now. She’s not here. 

Wordlessly, he stood and exited the compartment, needing some time to breathe. The distraction. 

The only thing that registered were Harry, and Ginny’s voices assuring Neville he did no wrong as they continued their elaborate lie. 

Not wanting to think about all that’s wrong, he let his body go on auto pilot to the prefects car. Just as he reached it, a body knocked into him. 

“Sorry.” They said. 

Turning to investigate he was left mouth agape because Draco Malfoy had apologized for bumping into him. 

“Sorry?” He repeated. 

Draco said nothing but instead pushed on into the compartment and moved to talk to Katie Bell, who seemed to pass back from her poisoning. 

Ron remained outside for a little, mentally preparing himself for the barrage of questions that’s bound to come about his absentee partner. Another thing that also remains in the back of his mind is Draco Malfoy’s behavior, something  he’ll have to catalogue and look into later.

After all, his father is a Death Eater. His Aunt is Bellatrix Lestrange. 

Not realizing he’d been lingering for five minutes, he soon entered behind Ernie Macmillan. 

The first five minutes of the meeting dragged on. He spent most of his time observing an uncharacteristically quiet and squirming Draco Malfoy. 

Maybe he was spending too much time with Harry. Looking into something as simple as an apology and now he’s suddenly got a hundred different scenarios conjured up that involve the blonde git holding Hermione somewhere. Torturing, mocking, hurting her. 

It drives him wild with rage, but he knows it’s something just capitalizing on. Something he’s determined to fixate on just to distract him from the Order’s failed attempts to bring in Hermione. 

But would it do more harm than good raising suspicions with Malfoy? On the very off chance he is right, asking could only-

“And because of Hermione not being here. We’ve rearranged the schedule a bit for you Ron.” 

His eyes instantly snap to Katie’s at the mention of her name. It’s used in such a nonchalant, casual manner. Everyone at the Burrow has just been referring to Hermione as ‘she’ for the better part of a week. 

All he can do is deafly nod in response. His ears suddenly ringing, with all thoughts of Malfoy leaving his brain. He feels like for the first time since it all happened, the weight of his much everything is going to change is now laying on his shoulder as heavy as ever. 

No more prefect rounds. No more doing homework in the common room. No more dining hall. No more classes. Hell, even no more of him watching her ignore him. Even that was better than this. 

And on top of it all, to everyone around him, he had to appear as if that were okay. That he could survive without Hermione, that it wasn’t killing him. 

Surely he’s already failed at that, he could barely speak to Neville without biting his head off. 

As much as all of these dark thoughts swim in his brain, he knows he needs to remind himself that this isn’t forever. That Hermione will come home and they can do all those things again. 

He tells himself this over and over, despite knowing that if, when, she comes home, things will never be the same. 

For the remainder of the meeting the only thing that rings in his head are those three horrid words she spoke before vanishing. 

Come find me. 

  Over and over playing out in his head. He’s so distracted, he’s failed to notice the cart is not vacant, save for Katie, and the meeting over. 

“-go.” He hears her say. 

Soon he shakes his head, “sorry what?” 

“I said you can go, Ron.” The brunette seventh year says. 

“Oh right, sorry.” Quickly he moves to exit the compartment. 

“Bye Ron, like I said, let me know-“ 

He stopped abruptly, something just now dawning on him. Not even able to focus on the fact apparently she’d been having a full blown conversation with him. 

“Hey Katie?” He halts, voice rather shaky. 

“Yes Ron?” She asked with a quirked brow, almost sensing his unease. 

“How did you know about Hermione?” He asked almost forcefully, “that she’s taking some time uh, away.” The ginger managed softer, willing himself not to cry. 

“Oh, well Draco told me.” She responded like it was the most simple thing in the world, like that would make sense. 

“He did?” Ron asked rather taken aback. 

Katie nodded, “sure. He said he’d heard she was spending time with her folks,” her voice dropped into a whisper, “I had around the tower her Grandma was ill.”

Not wanting to give himself away Ron just nodded shakily, “right.” 

Still, how did Malfoy know she wouldn’t be here? Could Harry have been right... no there’s no way. He’s a tosser! What would You-Know-Who want from him? Fashion advice? 

Noting the far off look on his face, the Head Girl spoke again, “hey if you’re worried about doing this alone we can always get someone to help until-“ 

“No!” He jumps in quickly, rather loudly too, “no, I mean, I’ll be fine.” The ginger covers up 

Still looking skeptical Katie nodded and offered a weak smile before vacating the compartment. 

He needed to find Malfoy right now

[th3okamid3monart]

Things I’m going to miss this Holidays

There are a couple of traditions we do in my family that I havent seen in other places and with one search on the internet I realize that most of the things we do are from my own country + some that we make up ourselves. 

So Im going to share them here because... Well, there’s a big-ass chance I wont be able to do them this Christmas nor New years. 

NOTE: When I say ‘my family’ in a lot of this, I mean ALL my family. Which means, all my grandparents, all my aunts, all my uncles, all my cousins, and, yes, EVEN my great grandaparents, cousins, uncles, aunts and more. Because we all know each other and we even make a party once a year for my dad’s side of the family 

Here I go:

Las Posadas

There’s this thing that we do at one of my grandparents’ house that involves singing a carol about the time Maria and Jose were looking for a place to stay to rest before travel far away for the birth of Jesus. It is a song which is singed by 2 groups, one that is inside and the other that’s outside. What we do is the following: One group goes inside a room in the house while the other stays outside the door, the group outside sings one part and the other sings the other. We go back and forward until we finish the song. It is pretty funny because no one sings well and its just like a bunch of grown ups practically screaming but we always end up chuckling. I used to think it was pointless and boring but that was because I was an edgy potato, after I enter University i began to enjoy more things and be happier. This is going to be the second time I wont be with my complete family for Christmas and now its all the family who wont be able to go to my grandparents house for a celebration. 

12 grapes, 12 wishes

In both sides of my family we usually fill up 12 grapes in a cup and give everyone 1 cup each. I dont remember what exactly the grapes meant or the story about the wishes but it’s supposedly like before it strikes 12 am on New Years, we have to eat our grapes while also wishing for something. I remember when I was younger I’d wish for peace on the world or that everything went well for everyone. I think I’m going to buy a bigger bag of grapes this year. 

Something that was funny was that everyone would just... Stuff their mouths with grapes, mostly my cousins and I, just to see how many we could fit. Not everyone wished for many things in the family because I think we all feel we had and have enough. If my family does this again on their own, I’m pretty certain their wishes would be to be able to meet with the family. 

Piñata

Every year since I was little, my grandparents buy a piñata to smash before or during Christmas. They find it such a good activity for cousins and even for my aunts, my mom and uncle. They literally havent stopped buying them, the oldest grandchild in that side of the family its in her 30s, but they still buy a piñata. I think its mostly for the youngest which are below 16, never the less, its still super funny and hilarious because we go from youngest to oldest. By the time it gets to my brother, its still intact, he only swings it once and its completely DESTROYED. We just have a lot of fun, and sometimes we make my mom or my aunts to hit it. My mom wasnt as cheery when I was a kid, but now she laughs more and when it comes to the piñata she laughs and enjoys her time even more. 

Games 

Like any gathering, all cousins bring up something we can do to entertain ourselves. At first they were toys my grandparents had for us, then it was videogames and now... Its board games. My bro is the one obsess with different boardgames and DnD and other card games. So, about 5 years ago he began bringing boardgames for all cousins to play along. We either talk with each other or try to destroy each other with any game there is. Videogames are fun but we all find it a drag to bring the console to the place, besides we usually get so busy with each others banter and weird conversations that we just forget about the videogames all together. 

At my other grandparents house it becomes W I L D. Last time someone brough a beer pong table and they all began to take shots with mezcal (I’m trying to not drink a lot of the time ever since I puked one time. If I drink its light things like wine and only one glass). Then my aunts play music and began to sing and everyone follows up, and... Well last time they began to dance.... And all my cousins were very embarassed and I was hella confused. Suffice to say, my dad’s side of the family are super freakishly energetic and wild, while my mom’s side is more of a geeky, nerdy vibe with a lot of meme stuff and political conversations at times (Oh yeah, we talk a lot of different political stuff, but guess what? It never derails into a fight. I note this due to always reading people’s talks ending with fights and stuff and that kinda weirds me out a bit at times) 

Dinners 

I don’t remember the time exactly, probably since I was 15 maybe, my dad and I turned into the designated ‘chefs’. Every year we’ve been deciding and preparing foods for each house. We make the main course while my aunts do the sides (although sometimes it becomes like 3 main courses with 2 sides). Im waaaaaaaaay into the cooking and I try to make it perfect each year. I kinda chillaxed a bit with some foods because it wasnt that big of a deal. Besides the main course, I also decide to make a dessert and sometimes they arent eaten because my families have some sugar regulations. They are stored and kept after Christmas because thats better than eating it all in one sitting and having sugar poisoning (AKA, high sugar that needs a fast Insuline injection afterwards). 

It is always fun to make food with my dad, and to make the famous Tamales from my grandma’s recipe. Last time i think we made around 400? Between green salsa chicken, red salsa beef and pork, and some that were like... its like an adobe, its with achiote and orange juice. It was very tasty. We usually make a lot and freeze them. THEY ARENT COOKED, they are raw and then frozen. Every time we take some out, we make them with vapor, takes around 2 hours and they are always tasty. I remember I made a batch all by myself, I made the feelings, I mixed the masa, and I assemble 100 by my own, the rest was thankfully made by my parents. And it was the best when I gave some to my grandma and she told me that they were super good. Of course, I made a couple mistakes, Im not perfect but she still enjoyed it with the salsa I made. Maybe I can still make some this year and give each family a batch. 

Aunt’s cookies

Every year, every god damn year... We all wait for one thing... It’s not the presents, its not the food... Its the cookies. The motherfucking cookies. My aunt has made this cookies since I was a kid, and we all fought to get a bunch of them. She has made choco chip with nuts cookies every year without missing. And they always end before Christmas even hits. She once gave me frozen batch so I can cook them at home and she told me ‘Dont tell anybody’. Of course I cannot not tell anyone since I live with my parents and siblings but when I made them I made sure to make them when my dad wasnt home. Not only because Im a gluttonous fuck but because my dad is diabetic and he shouldnt be eating anything like that. 

It used to be a battle royal between my cousins, now its a battle against my uncles cause they LOVE TO FUCKING HIDE THE BIG ASS CONTAINER. I swear, i only got 1 or 2 god damn cookies last time. 

Breakfast at...Lunch at...

After Christmas, we always go eat at my grandparents house. Always. And it’s, most of the time, Menudo. The most delicious food you can make with cow stomach. It’s my grandpa’s recipe and it’s always good. Meanwhile, we lunch at my grandma’s house the leftovers of yesterdays dinner which it varies if its turkey or pork but it always ends up as a torta. Delicious, leftover, tortas. 

We end up... SUPER CONSTIPATED because you eat menudo with bread, and you make tortas with bread, and we all eat bread and like... A LOT. Its hella good but well... THERE ARE CONCEQUENCES!! 

I think thats all, at least the most relevant parts. There’s also The Toast of El Bohemio, the stupidity and over eating i do for fun for some cousins, the conversations that go from super deep to stupidity with cousins, the music we play, the hugs... 

THE HUGS

When its the New Year, we scream out HAPPY NEW YEAR. And we proceed to hug each and everyone, one time I waited to see everyone and they all were very very happy. Its something I didnt realize before, but that was a happy thing all the time. Last year we event celebrated with other family, most of this reunions are compose with the nuclear family, but we arent shy about involving more family or friends. So last year not only included some family and their friends, we also included a 2 new members of the family: My newborn cousin and my cousin’s now husband. 

It was like.. One of the best beginnings... Which kind of... didnt prepared us for what this...sucky year. 

I’m sure we’ll make it ok... I sure hope so, I wanna see my grandparents again... I wanna see my baby cousin, he is babbling and has already learned to walk. The little dude doesnt have cousins to play with anymore, I wanna make sure he doesnt confuse me by his aunt ajjajajaja. I want to talk to my cousins, I want to hug them and scream with them and eat with them all. 

But maybe this year it wont happen, and I rather it not happening than loosing any of them. 

Right now I cant smell, and everything hurts, but it kinda helps ease things when i remember this and when I think they all are still kinda healthy. 

Maybe when it all passes we can make a march reunion, to celebrate my grandma’s birthday. In the meantime, I’m going to try to get better and wish for this Christmas to not suck now that It’s only my main family and I. 

Hope everyone is safe, I hope you can at least see your parents or siblings. I hope you dont get sick nor have to spend time at a hospital or anything. I hope all who are, get help and dont get worse. I hope you all get better. 

Hope you have Happy Holidays. 

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[melodyfromanotherworld]

The Very First Webber-Eppes Family Christmas

This oneshot was written for my $5 patron CallieQ If you would like the chance of being chosen to win a ficlet from me, you can support me at the $5 tier on patreon!

“My family is flying out for Christmas.”

Don looked from his newspaper, not finding anything of interest in the sports section anyway. Faith sat on the couch, legs curled up under her as she kept her eyes on the academic journals she was using for some research paper she was doing. Something about the efficiency of different solar panel options (he remembered her mentioning stained glass that could be used as solar panels, which sounded like something out of Star Trek). She was clearly nervous about what she’d said, though, if she didn’t even bother to look at him when she said it. He glanced over at Charlie, who was on the floor, grading papers, and his father, who also had his attention pulled from the paper. Both of them were staring at Faith, which only seemed to make her squirm -- trying to shimmy back farther into the couch cushions like a rabbit into its burrow.

“Oh?” was all Don said in response.

“Yeah,” Faith said, twiddling her blue highlighter between her fingers in an obvious nervous tick. “Normally I’d fly out to them, or we’d go down and see my brother in Florida and go to Disney. But they want to see what California is like since both me and my sister are out here. But she still lives in the dorms...so I’m the one who has to host.”

Alan squinted at her in his typical fatherly concern. “But do you even have room to host anyone?”

Faith sighed, rolling her head back (and everyone winced at the loud crack sound that occured as her neck popped). “No. At least, not that many people. It’ll be my mom, my dad, my brother and sister, and my grandma too. We could maybe have my sister over for a few days, but we don’t have the room to have the rest of them over.”

“Yeah, they’d have to rent out a couple of hotel rooms to hold that many people,” Don agreed. “Maybe if they had come out while you were still working on your Masters’ and living out of that rent house you could have had them at least over for dinner but...wait. Do they know we live together?”

Faith deliberately didn’t look at him as she answered with a long, drawn out, and sheepish “No?”

Charlie snorted when Don made a noise of feigned offense, earning both of them a capped highlighter hurled at them. Charlie ducked. Don caught the highlighter chucked his way with minimal effort. 

“You could have them over here,” Alan offered, settling back into his chair and flipping the page of his newspaper.

“I love how you’re always offering up my house,” Charlie said sarcastically. 

“I love how when it was my house it was constantly full of chalk dust and whiteboards,” Alan returned. 

“I couldn’t do that,” Faith insisted. “It’s your house, and it’s not like you were going to celebrate Christmas anyway.”

“No, but if Donnie ever gets off his ass and marries you, we’ll be celebrating it,” Alan said. “So we might as well start now.” 

“Dad, c’mon!” Don shouted, embarrassed. 

Alan ignored his son, leaning towards Faith and giving her the Serious and Supportive Dad Voice. “You bring your family over here for Christmas. If you’re able to put up with both my sons, you’re basically family anyways. And that makes your family our family, too.”

Faith smiled sheepishly. “Remember that after you’ve met my grandma.” 

                                                    - - - - - -

Faith peeked out the window, immediately pulling back behind the curtains as her father stepped out of the driver’s side of the car. She turned back to Don and Charlie, smiling to hide her nervous excitement -- it didn’t work.

“They’re here,” she said. “Is everything ready? Where’s your dad?”

“In the kitchen, don’t worry,” Don said, reaching out to pull Faith into a side hug. “Everything will be fine. We got the live tree and everything.”

“You only got a live one because you didn’t want it to take up room in the garage after this,” Faith reminded him testily. 

Don gave her a crooked grin. “Your point?” 

Before Faith could argue, there was a knock at the door. She pulled away from Don, fussing with her hair for a moment before stepping forward to open the door. She greeted the group on the doorstep with a cheer, almost immediately getting pulled into a hug by her mother. 

“Merry Christmas! Come in, come in!” She said, holding the door open as her family filed in. “Everyone, this is Don, and his brother Charlie. Charlie has been super nice to let us use his house for Christmas.” 

“What happened to that Granger boy you were telling us about at Easter?” a thin, sharp voice asked from the back of the pack. “I liked him; he was a good Christian young man.” 

Faith winced, and Don was starting to understand why she’d mentioned her grandmother like she was a warning. She shut the door and quickly moved to Don’s side, as if signalling her new loyalties. 

“Mom, don’t be rude,” Faith’s father warned. He turned, smiling brightly and holding out his hand. “Joseph Webber. You’ll have to excuse my mother, she’s lost some of her manners with age.”

Grandma Webber made a noise of disapproval, eying the Eppes brothers like one eyed an apple in search of bruises. She was ignored by the rest of the family, who greeted Charlie and Don with enthusiasm. 

“Your house is lovely, Charlie,” Faith’s mother tittered. “Thank you for letting us celebrate with you this year. I’m Ruth.” 

“It was my dad’s idea,” Charlie said in a light, joking manner. “It was his house long before it was mine, and he seems to forget it’s not still his.”

Ruth giggled. “And where is your father? I hope you didn’t exile him in retribution.” 

Charlie laughed politely. “Oh, no. He’s just in the kitchen. I’m surprised he hasn’t popped out with food yet.” 

“Was simply waiting for my cue,” Alan said, coming through the swinging door with a plate of All Too Traditional Christmas cookies in hand. 

“Mr. Eppes, this is my mom and dad,” Faith introduced. “And this is my brother Ben, and my sister Hope. And, of course, my grandma…”

“Faith, please, introduce him properly,” Grandma Webber snipped. “His name is Benevolence.” 

Ben looked to the sky as if pleading for whatever powers that be to strike him down there and then. “Please call me Ben.” 

“I can’t believe you’re so embarrassed by your own name,” Grandma Webber huffed, crossing her arms. “I named you myself, you know! Are you embarrassed by me?”

“Grandma, can we not do this again?” Hope pleaded.

“I think I’m going to go back into the kitchen,” Alan muttered, setting the cookies down on the dining table before retreating. 

“How did you two meet?” Joseph asked, desperate to change the subject and redirect his mother. 

Don smiled lazily, and Faith felt better hiding in his radiating confidence. “It’s a funny story actually. How much do you know about her run in with Andrew Weaver?”

Slowly, as Don regaled them with the long, detailed story of Faith’s stalker -- with Charlie, Faith, and even Alan interjecting with details or side stories every so often -- the group migrated to the living room. Don and Faith sat on the couch, Faith curled up into Don’s side as the rest of them settled, pulling chairs from the dining room to accommodate everyone. Even Grandma Webber was captivated by the tale, her eyes narrowed as she parsed over every detail and twist. 

“--and by the time we got up there, Faith was standing over the guy with a baseball bat that I’d totally forgotten was even in that room,” Don concluded. “Didn’t even need me to do anything.”

“Well, I needed you to cart him off to jail,” Faith corrected. “And also to help me get through the absolute panic attack.” 

“Well, yeah,” Don said, turning to press a kiss to Faith’s hair. “But I like the ending that makes you look braver.” 

Before Faith could respond, Grandma Webber cleared her throat. Faith stiffened, squeezing Don’s hand just a little tighter, as she waited for whatever judgement her grandmother was about to pass down. 

To her surprise -- and the surprise of the rest of the Webber family -- her grandmother smiled. She reached over and patted Don on the arm, her thing, boney fingers giving it a squeeze. 

“You’re alright, lad,” she said approvingly. “You’re alright.”

[bindmywanderingheart2thee]

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that one day I will see my loved ones in heaven again. As comforting as that is, after you lose someone you love, heaven can seem pretty far away.

I grew up very close to my father's parents. We were in at their house in town multiple times a week growing up. We spent every holiday and birthday together. We took trips to Florida, we went to our trailers up north with my uncle and cousins. While visiting in the summertime, my parents and uncle would sit and talk on the porch while my sisters, cousins, and I would fight over the big wheel, stuff our faces with cookies, and let the dog out of its pen (without asking grandma first.) Which drove her crazy. When the ice cream man came by, grandpa was right there with his wallet open. Grandma and grandpa's house has just always been there, a place of serenity and laughter, a place I looked forward to staying the night at when my parents went out of town. We would sleep on the living room floor in our sleeping bags and listen to the grandfather clock chime throughout the night. We loved it. We cherished it.

At their house, there was no need to call, just stop by anytime. It was a guarantee that you'd hear "Get yourself a cookie, there's pop in the fridge!", upon arrival. No one ever went hungry at grandma's house. Feeding us was one of the many ways she showed love.

I moved in with my grandparents in my 20's, I was rebellious at home, so grandma took me in. I know I drove her crazy, but she put up with me anyway. I lived with them for about five years. I attended cosmetology school while living there. I was able to devote myself to it full time, since they didn't charge me a dime to live there. I could never repay that, but I tried by doing Grandma's hair for free ever since. Neither of them ever made you feel like you were an inconvenience and they went above and beyond for their family.

I was very blessed to have had those five years living with them. Unbeknownst to me, my grandpa would pass away during that time.

He was an amazing man. Known around town for being honest and loyal. He was a hard worker and once he finally retired, he was so used to working, he kept working anyway. He was up at the crack of dawn every morning. Occasionally, if I made an early morning trip to the bathroom, I would see him sitting at the dining room table, reading his bible. He did that every morning. He loved his family and the Lord with all his heart.

When grandpa passed away, I just felt lost without him around. It was like he was there one minute and then the next he was gone. It was awful. I still remember how empty the house felt after he was gone and the sound of grandma crying herself to sleep. It still hurts to think about it.

It's been 15 years, and I still miss him every day.

Now, As of Wednesday morning, my Grandma has passed on as well.

Words cannot express how much it hurts that I won't be seeing her anymore. She has always been there. Always. She was a huge part of my life. What am I supposed to do now? I don't think it's fully sunken in yet. I'm just in disbelief. I don't want to believe it because I don't want it to be true.

I'm very blessed and grateful to have had a grandmother around for close to forty years, but I wasn't ready to live life without her. I don't want to. My world without her in it just doesn't make sense.

I worked late Tuesday night. It was after 9 when I left work and I was tired, but I decided to go see my grandma anyway. She wasn't doing well and I didn't want to miss my chance to see her one more time. Earlier that day, she had slipped into a non communicative state and had the "death rattle" when she breathed. My dad and uncle had been there all day and were exhausted. So, when the nurses told them they would call if she was showing signs of passing, they went home.

I showed up a little while after they left. I know it was hard for them to leave, but these men sat by her side every day, all day, for months. They believed the nurse when she told them it would be ok to get some rest.

I was grateful for the privacy I had with her. There were so many things I wanted to say. I sat down next to grandma and told her all the wonderful things I loved and would miss about her. I thanked her for loving me. I told her I knew she was the one whom I got my determination and strong will from.

Storm has it, too, I said.

I sang her songs she liked and read her some scripture verses. I held her hand, which I had been told were cold earlier that day, but were now warm. I told her to walk into Jesus's arms, and she would feel no more pain. I told her to go be with grandpa, and know that we will honor her memory every day and carry on her traditions. I told her I'll make sure Storm remembers her. I gently ran my fingers through her hair. I promised her that I would make sure her bangs were exactly as she liked them, and that she would be dressed in her lavender outfit as she requested. I told her I didn't know how I was gonna go on without her. She's always been there. I prayed over her and asked God to take her home peacefully. I kissed her on the cheek and laid my head on her shoulder.

I wept.

"How am I going to adjust to life without you?" I asked knowing there would be no reply.

I kissed her one last time on the forehead and told her I didn't wanna leave her because I didn't want her to pass on alone. I stood there, looking at her and debating if I should leave or not. I felt at peace from my time with her, so after a few minutes, I told her I loved her one last time and left.

She was gone a couple hours later. Thankfully, a nurse was with her when she let go. I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for that last visit with her. It wasn't easy on my dad and uncle that they weren't there with her, but I think in some way, that's how she wanted it. We all went back up to say our final goodbyes and sat in her room, crying, laughing, recounting our favorite memories of her. We were all there because of her. She was so important to each of us. We each could talk for hours about how amazing she was.

It all still feels like a bad dream. I didn't think I could cry anymore than I already have, but I was wrong. This is uncharted territory for me. I have no grandparents left. This wasn't supposed to happen. I don't even know how I'm gonna walk into her house without losing it. My grandpa and her lived there for over 50 years. My dad and uncle were raised there, it was my home for five years. My sisters, cousins and I grew up playing in the front yard. We were woven into the very fabric the house was made of. The thought of someone else living there makes my heart ache.

I'm grateful she is no longer in pain, but yet I feel this anger in the pit of my stomach that she's gone. It isn't fair.

What am I to do without you, Grandma? I don't want to move forward without you, but I have no choice. I know I'll see you again in heaven one day, but it's of little comfort right now when all I want is to talk to you one more time. Hear your stories one more time. Celebrate your upcoming birthday with you. Spend one more day at your house with you. Spend one more Christmas with you.

I feel regret that I didn't spend more time with her, but a dear friend recently told me that, "no matter how much time you spent with her, you'd still feel like it wasn't enough."

How true those words are.

My grandma was a strong, selfless and determined woman. She fought hard to the end and never gave up. I have no doubt she is with Grandpa in heaven. She is no longer in pain, she is at peace in the presence of God. I am beyond grateful for the hope we have in Jesus. Without it, I know I couldn't find a way to adjust to life without her.

Who knows if I ever will.

What I do know, is that I am one very blessed girl for the time I did have with both of them, and love is stronger than death, pain, and loss. So, I cling to the family still surrounding me, and to the One true living God who created love, who IS love, until I see them again.

I love you, Grandma 💜💔💜

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU

Nani the heck is this? Read here!

Chapter 12: Ni es Secreto, Soy un Pinche Chingona!

It’s a few days before Culture Week and I have everything ready for the whole week. Only thing left is to make some treats to sell at the festival, I got permission to use the school kitchen to make conchas and agua fresca for that and got them done the night before day 1. Mimi and Jin get their outfits done and we practiced a group thing to talk about culture shock, it was going to be lit and I was showing excitement.

Day 1: Family and Home culture

I was the last one to leave the dorms to avoid spoiling my surprises. I was in traditional wear of long skirt, hand embroidered shirt and serape. Along with the braids in ribbons pinned up into loops and simple makeup, I looked like a real muchacha. I roll up with the squad in their traditional robes and we didn’t care about the stares we got as we walked the halls. We sat in homeroom just to hear the announcements and we parted to our mini tour of the classes to talk about our culture. I gave my family and home presentation along with a sampling of the conchas I made to boost my sales at the end of the week. I walk to hero class when I usually have that class and run into the Big Three.

“Palma-san! You look so decorated! I always forget that you’re not Japanese.” said Nejire.

“You really do look like a woman from your culture” Amajiki said shakily “so colorful”

“Yes so effortlessly beautiful” said Miro as he grabbed my hand to kiss it. I pull my hand away before his lips met them.

“It’s impolite to kiss an un-courted woman in public in my culture” I said to integrate the theme of culture “Oh but here! have a sample of the treats I’m selling at the festival. I’m raising money to fund scholarships for international students going into hero work and I’d appreciate it if you’d tell your classmates to come and buy from me.”

They take a bite of the concha and their eyes widen “This is delicious! Palma-san you made this?!” exclaimed Amajiki.

“Yes I did! glad you liked it!” I said as I gave a polite smile “well I have to go and give another presentation, hope to see you at my stand later in the week!”

I briskly walk to the class just so I don’t run into anyone else I didn’t want to talk to. Meanwhile in the hero class...

“I wonder if Palma-san made it to school?” said Uraraka concerned “I didn’t see her leave the dorm.”

“I heard she’s here but she’s in full traditional wear” said Momo “I can’t wait to see her! from what Kendo said, she looks like a natural beauty!”

“She’s been so busy lately, maybe she was late?” said Jiro “I saw her car in the parking lot.”

“Class to your seats” said Aizawa “its a bit early but we’re having Midnight and All Might sit in today’s first half of class this week for a special presentation.”

“What kind of presentation sensei?” ask Midoriya “does it have to do with laws?”

Midnight and All Might walk in quietly and shuffled to the back of the room to take a seat as Aizawa spoke “No, not that type of presentation. It’s a peer presentation by somebody you know very little about.”

The class starts to murmur on who it could be, then I slide open the door. Everyone stops to look at me in my traditional wear, the room so silent that you can hear the click of my ankle boot heel on the tile as I walked.

“Buen dia a todos! Thats hello everyone one in Spanish!” I said putting my wicker hand basket on the front table.

“What simplistic beauty you exude Palma-san! OH! what should we call you since your the presenter?” said Aoyama.

“Hmmm, you can call me senorita Palma or Itati, both are honorifics in my culture.” 

“How is your full first name an honorific?” asked Kirishima

“My first name is from a dialect spoken by the natives in Mexico and part of South America, it means flower that grows in the water. We take great pride in our given names that we address each other by full first name basis to show respect to the name and the person.”

“Such beauty and loveliness within the name too!” said All Might “you really grew into your name.”

I blushed and diverted my gaze to my basket “oh please have mercy, it’s superstitious to make an un-courted woman flushed with such compliments! It’s said that if a man makes the single woman flustered with compliments, it will delay further the day they’ll meet their future spouse!”

Midnight teased All Might “Seems like pushed that day too far ey Yagi?”

“Anyways, any body in the mood for a sweet treat?!” I said opening my basket and using my quirk to pass out the conchas and explaining my stand and what I’m fundraising for.

“So soft and yummy! You made this?! Such a talented young lady! Your mother must be proud to have raised such a young woman! I will definitely buy from you!” are all the compliments I got for my conchas. As they were distracted, I loaded up my slide show presentation of home videos and pictures of my culture and family.

“Ok lets get started! As you know, I’m American born but my roots are from Mexico. Today I will be sharing a glimpse into my culture and family and why I am the way I am. Here’s my family, and here’s my family before coming to America. It was just my parents and that little girl right there, that’s my older sister! In my culture, you’ll often see families of 3 or more children. If you want to see it in terms of quirk types, double quirks is a very common thing. The 2 most common quirks are elemental and telekinesis, science believes it has to do with the environment in Mexico but I think it has to do with our lively hoods for survival. Here you see a bunch of men and women fishing, cooking and crafting goods with their quirks...these people are working. Just like how heroes here use their quirks to work, they do too but for more practical reasons. There’s not a huge hero culture in Mexico, we do however have a HUGE tourist culture so all of our energy and business is geared toward the tourists and visiting heroes that come and enjoy our weather and beaches. Here’s a picture of my family’s businesses, on my mom’s side, my grandpa owns a seafood shack and uses his water and low range telekinesis to fish. And one of her uncles owns a denim pants brand and designs them using his quirk that manipulates thread, kind of like Best Jeanist. On my dad’s side, grandpa was a farmer and an english teacher, he had the earth and plant growth quirk to manage a farm and his 8 children. Grandma was a nurse and used her super speed quirk to assist doctors and upkeep the household. My family now, consists of 3 children and my hard working parents. We have a very strong sense of family and dynamic to support each other. My dad would set up heavy things, older sister would help him, little brother would clean the unreachable areas and I would help my mother with the cooking and other housework. I learned how to cook for a large family with all that time I spend in the kitchen helping my mom. I can cook anything and make it delicious for a group of 15 or more with my experience. You might ask, well what about your fighting techniques? Heres a short home video of my siblings and I fighting over who’s turn it was to get on the roof to clean it... if you paid attention, my sister lands some heavy punches on me and my brother but they’re with form and I grabbed her at just the right time to suplex her right on top of my brother before they ganged up and threw me over the garage. They have the power quirks, so I have to get crafty with the fighting moves for the copy or, if my mom shows up to use the erasure, keep fighting without quirks to assure my dominance. In Mexico, these wrestle like moves are called Lucha Libre and it’s become more of a spectator sport than an actual fight technique nowadays. As you see in this picture, these luchadores are masked and in a hero-like uniform, this is all part of the performance/fight. It’s an amazing thing to watch! Heres a short clip of one of my favorite matches as a child...See that freaking finisher?! That’s called the flying golden eagle and I have yet to use it on somebody so who knows! Maybe in our next training session I’ll use it on one of yall. Even though I’m a middle child and in my culture, middle children don’t get married or finish school to take care of their aging parents until they die. I’m breaking that cycle by being here to fully finish school and go to higher education because I crave knowledge. To finish this presentation with something cool, heres a home video of me and my siblings cracking open coconuts with our quirks!”

Everyone claps at the end and I get a bunch of hands up “oh jeez uh I have time for 3 questions, lets go with Midnight.”

“Yes I have a question about Lucha Libre, who taught you how to do the techniques?”

“Oh I taught myself and I practice them on my siblings when we’d get into fights on a near daily basis. Over time I just made it my default to pick up on new moves every other day.” I get murmurs and I pick my next person “next uhhh, Mina”

“What was that meal you were cooking in the picture with your mom? Those were some big pots of food.”

“Oh that picture was when we were cooking christmas dinner! In the pot I was stirring was beans, next to it was fideos or tomato pasta, on the stove is ponche or cinnamon tea with seasonal fruit and the one next to my mom is birria de chivo or goat cooked in red chili paste.”

“YOU EAT GOAT?!” said the class in shock.

“Yes its good meat! always reminds me of christmas mmhm... ok uhhh last question, Todoroki.”

“I don’t fully believe you were the weak one in your family, what are your family’s quirks?”

“Great question! My mom has Full range Telekinesis and Erasure, my dad has metal manipulation, my sister has Rampage and Fire and my little brother has Elasticity and Flight. My mom is the most powerful that she can stop our fighting with just one look! My dad can make anything out of metal, he can do this thing were he takes a small piece of scrap metal, put it in his mouth and chew it around, spit it out and its a whole new thing like a screw or hook. My sister has two power quirks but they’re hard to control because of Rampage, if you didn’t know, thats in the emotionally triggered category and hers is triggered by anger. When you get her angry, she gains super strength and speed plus with her fire, boy you better pray you don’t get on her bad side. My little brother can stretch his body and fly with speed, excellent for air attacks. Though I can levitate, I can’t move at his speed so often if I’m not careful when in the air, he can air strike me down.”

“So what you’re saying is, you aren’t the strong one, you’re the smart one” said Todoroki making sense of it “I understand now.”

“Yup! and that concludes my day 1 presentation. Thank you so much for listening, tomorrow I’ll be doing folklore storytelling so get ready to be enchanted!”

I go to my next 2 presentations then lunch, I met up with Mimi and Jin to wind down a bit. We’re just happy that we’re not wearing pants and nobody is being racist. I go make the rest of my presentations until the end of the day. I drive back to the dorms to prepare and rest for my storytelling portion. I get praise for my commitment from the others and ask if I can make them some of that ponche when it gets colder out. I go to bed much happier than I was a week ago, my favorite parts of me were coming back.

Day 2: Folklore Storytelling

I dress up in a plain orange huipil and a white ankle length skirt with the same makeup look and ankle boots. The braids were simple with ribbon weaved into them and I brought a bunch of small hand instruments and puppets to do my storytelling. Mimi and Jin were doing food presentations and I got a bit booty tickled because theirs are so easy to talk about. I do my rounds and get really into my storytelling. When I get to the hero class, I get a bit more special with the experience.

“Hola clase 1-A! Como estan hoy?” I say in high energy.

“Hola senorita Palma!” said everyone in unison.

“Ok for this presentation, I’m going to need the desks to be pushed back quite a bit and everyone to sit on the floor please.” Everyone quickly does what I requested and gathered around as I finished setting up. “Really quick, Shoji, may I copy your quirk for this one?”

“umm yes sure” he said softly as I put my hand on his cheek. I spout 4 arms and 2 mouths for all the instruments I was going to use. In the other presentations I just used my levitation to do some of the instruments but I couldn’t play the wood flute and talk at the same time.

“Today, I will be sharing some of my favorite folklore from my culture the way a street performer would story tell. Heres the story of the Legend of the two Volcanos, a love story of Princess Iztaccihuatl and Valiant Warrior Popocatepetl.” I hear the soft gasps as I played the music and moved the puppets with my quirk and the shocked expressions when they saw that it was a sad story. “...and today you can see the two volcanos as they stand vigilant as an eternal testament of the love Popocatepetl had for his Princess.” I look at the class and see tears as some of them were moved by the story.

“That warrior is so manly to beg to the Gods to stay by his love” Kirishima spoke up, wiping his tears away.

“Oh my, well I’m glad you were moved by that story! Let me tell you a more light hearted one, how about the patron saint of Mexico Virgin Guadalupe and how Juan Diego’s faith brought hope to the people of Mexico.” As I told the story, I heard the awes and wows from the class as they see the journey Juan Diego went through to bring hope. “...and so on that very hill, you can visit the shrine with the people’s symbol of justice and hope with rose bushes planted everywhere. All thanks to one man’s faith, every year on the day of the apparition, we sing La Guadalupana to show our faith to celebrate our symbol and Juan Diego.” I start singing the shorten version of the song and the class started clapping in rhythm, really getting into it.

“Wow! what beautiful singing” said All Might “as one symbol of justice to another, that was a very touching story.”

“Thank you, thank you for your kind words and claps” I say as I check the time “hmm, it seems like I have time for one more story! What do you want to hear? A ghost story? Another love story? OH I KNOW! How about the tale of the Rabbit and the Jaguar?”

“Yes please! That one!” said the class in unison.

I start to tell the story and I take a quick peek at the audience during the chasing of the rabbit and everyone is intrigued by the puppets and story. It made me really happy that I wasn’t being ignored. “...and legend has it that you can still see the rabbit on the moon, laughing at how he tricked the Jaguar.”

“If I were the Jaguar, I’d eat the rabbit before it tricked me!” growled Bakugo “no way I’d let some cutesy animal get the last laugh.”

“Oh si? Then why do you fall for my tricks mighty Jaguar?” I said snidely as I put the puppets away “I’m the quick witted Rabbit, and you the gullible and cocky Jaguar”

The class went ballistic with that roast, Bakugo got mad that I made a factual point. I say my good byes and set off to do the rest of my presentations. After school, when I got to the dorms, I saved my voice and rested for the next day.

Day 3: Holidays

I woke up extra early to put on day of the dead skeleton makeup and a catrina outfit. I changed up the colors to greens, golds and yellow just to mix things up. I put on a crown of silk sunflowers, posies and lilies on my head to accent my braid loops. I was going to talk about day of the dead and milestone birthdays. Mimi and Jin were doing the same and they were just as decorated as me, you would’ve thought we were aristocrats of our country. As I walked class to class to give my presentations, I played the guitar and sang La Calaca. The sound of my singing echoed throughout the halls that some people peeked out of there classes to see who was singing but I guess I was singing well because nobody asked me to stop. As I made my way to the hero class, the others heard the music softly playing down the hall.

“What beautiful singing! thats definitely Seniorita Palma!” said Hagakure “I wish I understood Spanish to resonate to what she’s singing.”

“I’ve been picking up on some Spanish, I want to make some conversation with her today” said Iida so proudly.

“Are you gonna confess in Spanish?” asked Midoriya.

“nnn-No! I just want to practice is all!”

“Practice for what? to ask her father for her hand in marriage?” said Kaminari “are you going to claim your princess oh valiant warrior! Better say it quick before she turns to into-”

He was cut short as I walked in singing, everyone gasped at the change of colors and skull makeup.

“Seniorita Palma! you look like a spring goddess!” exclaimed Momo.

“Oh gracias! Your compliments on my looks make my heart flutter.” I put my guitar down and start setting up for my presentation. I start of day of the dead and set out the offerings while explaining the history and what everything means. “...for this alter, I’m paying respects to 3 very important people in my life, for my grandfather Joaquin, Frieda Kahlo and La Fiera.”

“Why those people?” asked Sato.

“Glad you asked! Joaquin is my grandpa on my dad’s side, he inspires me to be the very best at what I do and go beyond with education and hard work. Frieda Kahlo is a famous artist that became one to cope with her chronic pain and traumatic events, she inspires me to be expressive as an outlet for my emotions and that even the worst things can be expressed beautifully. La Fiera is a famous and decorated lucha libre westler, I admired his stage presence as a witty and zingy tough guy. I aspire to be as witty and crafty as he is and I pay homage to him every time I fight, I use his spin moves and flying finishers.”

I then moved on to the next few things like Quinceanra, Christmas, birthdays and religious rites of passages. “...and for being good ninos y ninas, I brought some Mexican candy for yall.” I use my quirk to pass out the candy and everyone was perplexed by it.

“Question, this is candy?!” said Iida standing up “this is covered in chili powder!”

“Mine is just chili and lime powder!” said Mineta.

“Thats the norm in mexican candy, spicy and sour covered sweet things. My favorite is the dried mango in chamoy, spicy plum sauce!”

“Its DELICIOUS!” cried out Bakugo with a sandia con chile lollipop “The spice is perfect! I’ve been missing out on this stuff!”

“I thought you might like it!” I said packing my stuff “that wraps up today’s presentation, tomorrow I’ll be performing at the open stage with my squadron and some other students! Sensei will let you know which time slot you guys will see our performance.” I said my good byes and picked up my guitar to sing to my next presentation. When lunch came, I got a text from Iida

[Hola Itati! Puedes comer conmigo hoy?]

I giggled at his attempt [Si puedo, adone?]

[estoy en la patio]

[ok a yi voy]

I walk over from the classroom I was at with my guitar playing Ay Mama Inez as I was walking to the patio. Little did I know, I was being watched from the second floor,

“You’ve been spying on her for a week already Shinso” said his friend Tetsutsu “you should go talk to her!”

“I’m trying to find the opportune time” Shinso said sighing “she seems like a girl of reason, I can’t just go up to her and say that I’ve been spying on her. She’ll get on defense and end me.”

“nah! she’s a nice girl” Tetsutsu said as he took a sip of his drink “when she trained with some of us, we swarmed her with fighting questions and answered all of them with ease and kindness that when we fought, I didn’t expect her to kick all of our asses so brutally!”

“Not surprised, she’s got the guts and beauty” he said as his eyes followed me to the patio to meet up with Iida “seems like I’m not the only one who wants her attention.”

Cut to Iida to the patio and hearing me approach. I do a quick spin as I ended the song. 

“Brava! Lovely singing Ita!” he said clapping.

“Gracias Tenya!” I said leaning my guitar against the tree we were under. “oye, estas aprendieno espainol?”

“uhhh translation? I don’t know that much spanish hehehe” he said nervously.

“You just answered what I asked hehehe, I asked if you were trying to learn spanish.”

“OH! yea I am, I wanted to try my conversational with you, if you’re alright with it.”

“sure! lets start” I said without missing a beat “Dime un secreto”

“Did you say tell me a secret?” he asked as I nodded “ummm.....ok! El jugo de naranja es my gasolina, por esto tomo mucho de eso.”

I bust out laughing “con razon! Ay Tenya es muy chistoso! Por esto es me cais bien.”

“how do I ‘fall good’ on you?”

“Oh its a spanish saying, to ‘cai bien’ means to get along or to be eased by. With us, I get along with you.”

Iida gets a bit blushed “Tu me cais bien tambien Itati, looks like I have alot to learn huh?”

“Why did you pick up on spanish anyways?” I said taking out my tupperware of fruit salad “You tryna get married?”

“WHAT?! No! wait- is that a thing?”

“Yea, if you learn the home language of someone you fancy” I said chewing on a piece of melon “it’s with the intention of asking their parents for their hand in marriage. Thats what the spaniards did to native mexicans post invasion society.”

“Well I don’t know about all that but I just wanted to learn because” he started as his gaze shifted onto me “because I thought it was interesting and I don’t hear you speak it really. I-i really like your accent when you speak in spanish, it’s sounds very warm and inviting.”

I nearly choke on my melon chunk and get flushed. We did more conversation but I had a feeling at the back of my mind that maybe he does like me. But he has a chance to ask me everyday but never takes the chance, I guess I’ll never know I say to myself as I walk to my next presentation. After school, I prepare and sleep early for all the things I had planned.

Day 4: Performance Arts

I get up early to get all my costume changes and instruments ready for my set. I get to school to do a quick sound check and set up. I do a marching band parade kick off, the members are some of my intelligence classmates of all levels and years & the rest were me using a clone quirk I copied from a 2nd year. And of course I was the drum major, big hat and mace fantasy along with custom uniforms for everyone since UA doesn’t have a marching band. I did my songs between acts with costume change.

“I can’t wait to see what senorita Palma has planned for their acts!” excitedly exclaimed Uraraka “I bet its something over the top!”

“I don’t know how she’s going to top herself after yesterday” said Tokoyami “but whatever it is, it’s going to be impressive.”

Everyone gets settled in the outdoor assembly area and Present Mic gets on stage.

“Everybody say HEY!” crowd is slient “oh boy- lets give a welcome to our opening act! Take it away UA MARCHING CADETS!”

In the distance you can hear a booming “BAND, TEN HUT! HoooOOORA!” followed by a 3 whistle blows. The marching arrangement of Can’t Hold Us starts and the crowd was looking around to see where was the music coming from.

“We don’t have a marching band” said Jiro confused “who and where is that music coming from?”

“LOOK! over there!” gasped Midoriya as the parade of 20 people came down from inside the school. Everyone was perplexed by the sound and the in sync all the marching was. The song changed to Funkytown and everyone was getting in the groove. I was doing fancy mace work to wow the crowd.

“I wonder if Palma-san in that group kero?” asked Asui “she mentioned she played the saxophone and knows how to play jazz and blues.”

“I want to know who’s the person in the front” said Kirishima wiggling to the beat “the way they’re twirling that staff is breathtakingly stylistic! I bet that’s their support item!”

As the parade made it up the stage and arranged themselves as the song ended, Mic walked up with the microphone “WOW! That projection! Give it up to our super cool drum major that made this marching display possible, the stage is yours!” he said as he held up the microphone.

“Thank you Mic sensei” I said as a took off my hat to reveal my face and curly hair “HELLO UA! For those that don’t know me, My name is Itati Palma, intelligence 1st year! I am American born with Mexican roots and while in America, I actually was part of a school marching band, I played saxophone and trained to be a drum major. Crazy how I went from a band kid to agent in training huh? I couldn’t do it without the talents of my band members here! Why don’t y’all take off your hats and show our audience?”  

They took off their hats to show that 5 of the members were me. “thats right folks your eyes don’t deceive you! I made 5 clones of myself to fill in the missing saxophone, cymbal, tuba, quad and clarinet players. Everyone else is from the intelligence program across all levels and years! Shout out to them! We have one more song and our first act will start, band are you ready?”

“CADETS!” they shouted as I conducted them to the tune Fly Me to the Moon. The song ended and we got backstage to get my next set ready. After Mimi’s polka dancing and Jin’s mini drama act was my latin jazz set. I played Vida es Un Carnival and Girl From Ipanema with my clones and 2 other members as the drummer and bassist as my ensemble. Next 2 were some folktale acts then it was my classic jazz set, same ensemble but in jazz club fantasy, we played Summer Wind and Moonlight Serenade. That was supposed to be it for my sets but one of the student acts got their costumed teared at a crucial place and couldn’t do their dance, I swooped in and said that I’ll do a solo bilingual song. Mic announced me in and I walk out in a back up dress, in case my latin costume ripped or stained.

“I dedicate this song to all the people that are in love and can’t find the right words to tell that special someone how you feel. Maybe this song will help.”

I start playing Tu Amor and all of 1-A looks at Iida, but he doesn’t notice them, the song made him feel like it was just him and Palma. At the end of the song their was an uproar of cheers and I was taken back at first but I smiled and bowed before turning it back over to Mic to end the assembly. I had to do that assembly one more time for the other half of the school then I had down time before school ended. As I was loading everything into my Jeep, Iida walked up to me.

“Ita! oh good thing I caught you before you left.”

“hehehe silly we live in the same dorm!”

“right hehe WELL I wanted to tell you that I was impressed by your performances! You never cease to amaze me with your talents.”

“thank you! I loved preforming for everyone, I feel so at home when I get up in front of everybody to entertain.”

“It shows! umm I wanted to ask you something” he said hesitantly “I was wondering if you’d like to see the fireworks with me at the festival, I wanted to tell you something important under them.”

“Oh that sounds nice but it would have to depend if I sell out before they start”

“Oh right your stand! I’ll tell everyone to buy from you so you can join me.”

“I’d love that! Thanks, but why can’t you tell me your important news before the fireworks?”

“Oh because um” he stammered “I wanted to make it memorable, it’s your first festival here. Since you can’t really look around the stands, I thought we’d enjoy the fireworks at least.”

“Thats very sweet of you, now I really hope I sell out before nightfall!”

We head to the dorms in my car and I rest up for the next day. Meanwhile the girls confront Iida.

“So so so so, did you ask her?” asked Mina as she bounced.

“Yes I asked her but she can’t unless she sells out at her stand” said Iida full of nerves still “I can’t believe I’m finally going to tell her...what if I mess it up? what if she doesn’t sell out and misses the fireworks? what if-”

“Chill out Iida-kun!” said Jiro “its hard to mess up, she’s a smart girl, she’ll understand and give you an answer. And if you’re so concerned about her missing the fireworks, just go to the stand and watch them from there.”

“Jiro-chan is right! Palma-san is going to spend time with you regardless, I’m rooting for you two.” cheerfully said Momo.

“Momo-chan, are Iida and Palma your OTP now kero?” asked Asui “I thought you wanted Mirio and Palma to happen?”

“Yea but given the current situation, Palma doesn’t have anyone on their tail nor is seeking” explained Momo as everyone uncomfortably listened “Tokoyami and Palma isn’t suitable, all the other boys are either already shipped or undesirable, that leaves Iida as her best option.”

Everyone goes to bed just to make Momo stop talking about her ships because it was starting to get cringy. Iida lays in bed acting out how he was going tell Palma how he feels.

Day 5: Culture Shock

Nothing special planned for this day, it was a talk show/interview situation on the school broadcast hosted by Mic sensei. Myself and the other international students of UA, all 10 of them across all grades and programs, talked about coming over to Japan and hero culture. I didn’t talk too much about it to avoid that traumatic event that lead me here. Everyone tuned in to hear and see us. I go about my normal school day to upkeep with the lessons I might of missed and got my baked goods and agua fresca ready to transport and sell for the next day.

Day 6: The Festival

I get up early to get ready so I can set up my stand before the grounds opened to the public. I get dressed in the back of my car with Mimi and Jin covering me as I changed into my blue campeche dress with white ribbons in my braid loops. I paired it with a simple make up look, mexican flag seprape and yellow rose hair pins to hold up my braid loops. I wore my huaraches because I know I’m going to be standing all day to sell this bread. Right away I get a bunch of customers and it was nice but after a while I didn’t get steady customers. I was selling agua fresca faster than conchas by midday because of the heat and the other stands were running out of bottled water. By 4pm, Iida came by my stand.

“Hola senorita, como se pasa aqui?”

“Hola Tenya, mas o menos aqui.”

“uh, translation, sorry hehehe”

“I said I was doing more or less here, like at this rate I’m not going to sell out in time to see the fireworks with you and it’s making me a little sad.”

“I see, well it so happens that I’m in the mood for something sweet!” he said taking out his wallet “give me 20 conchas and a large of the jamica.”

“Oh jeez ok, your total is 3,200 yen. Let me get you a bag for all that bread” I said using my quirk to serve his drink and putting the bread in the biggest paper bag I had “here you go, thank you for your donation to my cause! Come by later to see if I’m free.”

“Thank you Ita! I will!” he said walking away. I had no idea what he did with all that bread but business slightly picked up, I saw some familiar faces and had nice interactions with them. Then familiar face that I didn’t have a name to came up to my stand at sundown.

“Hi! Welcome to my stand” I said warmly as he raised his head to meet my face.

“Hmmm mexican sweet bread and drinks? Interesting” he said in an almost monotone voice but from the eye bags under his eyes, I could tell he was on day 2 of no sleep “say, aren’t you that intel student that took down the big three in that practice test?”

“Oh you tuned in for that broadcast? Yup thats me” I said trying not to brag or scream at him to hurry up and buy something.

“Cool, I’m Hitoshi Shinso, you train with my friends in 1-B” he said awkwardly like he didn’t know when to introduce himself or if he should’ve at all.

“Oh you’re Tetsutsu’s friend! He tells me about you” I said to bring this awkward conversation to an end so he can buy something and leave “did he tell you about my stand?”

“sort of, I just came by because I’ve been meaning to approach you since the broadcast but I’m a bit-” he said straining to keep his cool “just a bit of scaredy cat to come up to talk to you because of your uh talents.”

“Oh well uh thanks but I’m really nice, I don’t fight like that unless you provoke me” I said as I understood why he��s acting weird, he has a crush on me “well what can I get you?”

“hmm? oh um can I get 3 breads a medium of this cinnamon rice milk”

“Ok, your total is 600 yen” I said pouring his drink and getting the money he hands me, its a 1,000 yen bill “Out of 1,000- let me get your change of-”

“No need!” he said getting his bag small baggie of bread “keep it as donation for the cause. Also are you going to watch the fireworks? it’s going to start in an hour and a half.”

“Oh shit really?” I said looking at my phone for the time, it was almost 6pm and I was at my last 151 breads and few cups of drinks “If I sell out of product before then, I can but from the looks of it I might not be able”

He leaves and ping Mimi and Jin to help me boost sales a bit. Things did pick up a bit but when the announcement came on that the fireworks show was going to start in 5 minutes, I still had 20 conchas and 2 large cups of agua fresa left. Feeling defeated, I just stood at my stand to finish selling and maybe catch a glimpse of the show between sales. As they started, nobody came by and I thought man, I feel bad that it kinda stood up Tenya but he’s probably with the others having fun. Meanwhile, at the viewing area, Iida was pushing through the crowd looking for Palma.

“Iida-kun! it’s this way to the stands!” yelled Uraraka over the sound of the fireworks.

“Ita?! Ita?! where are you?” Iida yelled not hearing the people around him as he pushed around.

I sell my last bread and drink as the fireworks finished and I just started to clean up. I felt terrible and wallowed in my shitty-ness over this, even though deep down I know this ain’t shit to stress over and I’m just feeling the ruined fantasy. As I took down my signs, I heard somebody approach me.

“Hey”

“Oh hi Shinso” I said turning around to face him “how was the show? I couldn’t see them.”

“They were cool but I was going to say that you weren’t there” he said fixing his jacket sleeve “I would’ve enjoyed your company.”

I visibly blushed and let out a sad sigh “That makes me feel terrible, I wanted to join you and the others.”

“Well, the festival isn’t done yet” he tried to say to keep his cool “would you like to look around, with me?”

“I’m down, just let me finish here and I’ll be ready.”

After turning in my makings to the coordinator I joined Shinso for a nice time and it made me feel better. I didn’t see Iida nor got a text from them and I just thought he was having alot of fun with the others. At the end of the festival, Shinso walks me to my car and said our goodbyes. On the drive to the dorm I was like shit, now I have a crush on him! It can’t be so bad right? I get to my room and see everyone is pretty much either in the rooms asleep or not here yet. I took a well deserved bath in the dim lights and just tried to just relax but then the crackheads bust in for real bro hours in the dark, I listen in trying not to give myself away.

“Poor Iida, lost his chance” sighed Kirishima

“I don’t know how all this could’ve been avoided if he just sent her a text.” growled Bakugo

“but did you see that one chick confessing to him and he straight up was like ‘sorry, please move out of the way I am trying to find someone’ and moved them aside!” snickered Mineta 

“I saw Palma-san walking around the grounds with that general ed student Shinso” Kaminari said gassing up the situation “looks like theres new competitor in the race to win her heart.”

I sit there in the tub thinking, they keep saying he likes me but I’m not convinced completely. Well, Shinso is kinda hot and nice to me, I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend if he asked. And Tenya, he’s clean cut and gentlemanly, he’s ideal but he’s not convincing me that he wants to be more than just friends. Whatever happens, happens! I’m not letting some boys ruin me and my education. They leave and I emerge from my bath to dry off and teleport to my room. I change and walk toward the kitchen because a bitch thirsty and kinda hungry, then I see Iida hunched over the counter.

“Um hey Tenya”

“hmmm? OH Ita” he said as he stood up straight “I didn’t know you came back before me.”

“yeah, I sold out right when the fireworks ended” I said as I walked to the fridge “sorry I kinda stood you up like that, I feel terrible.”

“No! don’t be! I know you couldn’t leave until then so its ok.”

“But what was the thing you wanted to tell me?” I asked as I poured myself water “I really want to know, it sounded important.”

“Oh um I wanted to ask if...umm” he started and got nervous “if you wanted to uhhh be my, my.... my english tutor!”

“English tutor? thats it?” I questioned almost disappointedly.

“Yes! my english tutor and in exchange I can tutor you in math” he said adding on to his lies “I thought maybe we could make a habit of studying together since you wanted to take school more seriously.”

“Oh ok sure, I’ll be your tutor” I said as I got some strawberries from the fridge “for a moment there you were going to say something else! like you liked me or something.”

I didn’t see his expression but it was silent screaming and frustration “hahaha noooo, we’re good friends and I wouldn’t bring up such a thing!”

I fully didn’t know what to say to all that as I was suspicious of everything and every one. We talked over a study schedule and said good night. I went to sleep not knowing the hell I just started and will endure for the next few years with this Iida and Shinso thing.

-End Chapter 12-

<Previous - Next>     

[theartificialdane]

Paris AU - We’re not bruised

As Melati starts a new school, and life continues at full speed in New York, Violet can’t help but worry about how life is going.

Dedicated to @talkaboutartassholes - Since it’s been too long since anyone has been upset.

“Melati seems upset.” Violet twisted her hair into a bun, her skin still smelling faintly of coconut. It was a little past eleven, Asta and Nora sleeping in their beds in the livingroom, the house quite. The bedside lamp the only source of light in the room.

“Hmm?”

Sutan was sitting in bed, his pyjamas on, the white t-shirt showing how dark he had gotten over the summer in LA, their family for once not going on vacation that year, unless you counted their trip to upstate New York for a long weekend with Fame and everyone. Violet going to Paris for couture week, Melati declining her offer to come along, Melati spending the summer in Mexico with Raja and Raven, as well as two weeks in LA with her dad and a long week with her grandma and her boyfriend Harold on Long Island.

“Sutan? Are you listening to me?”

“Mmh?”

Violet rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed, putting her hand over her husbands phone, disrupting his view of it.

“Hey! I was-”

“Using that, I know.” Violet sighed slightly. “Can it please wait?” Violet knew it wasn’t polite to interrupt, Sutan often reading on his phone, or playing some mindless game to calm down before bed. The two of them doing their best to always go to bed together when they were both home. “We have to-”

“I just need another 10 minutes, social media is blowing up.”

“... Because of your show?”

“Lovely eyes, it’s not just my show.” Sutan tried to move her hand, tried to get his phone back, but Violet held firm. She knew it annoyed Sutan when she didn’t take the show serious enough, the entire thing in its 6th year of running, but she couldn’t help the slight resentment she felt towards it for tearing her husband from her.

“I’m just checking twitter, the challenge this week has really gotten the audience fired up. I need to reply, audience engagement and all that, you know how much Bianca cares about-” Sutan was already blabbering, Top Model somehow going viral, the show one of the most watched reality programs in America, though Bianca would never call it that to anyone's face.

“I don’t care what Bianca cares about, and I don’t care about the people on twitter.” Violet knew she was being slightly unfair, her words harsh, but she couldn’t believe her husband's behavior, the man not even pretending to care about what she had said just moments earlier.

“Just because you don’t use it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value-”

Violet bit her lip, annoyance flaring up in her chest. This was the exact reason they had a no work in bed rule, even though she knew pointing that out to her husband would not do, whatever this was, any good, Sutan getting annoyed too. They didn’t get involved in each others work life, Sutan barely visiting her atelie, even though he was always on the front row anytime she did anything in public, Violet not able to tell anyone what her husband exactly did, except something with TV, the contestants on their show always surprised when Sutan showed up with both wife and daughter in tow to the premiere parties, and she liked it that way, they liked it that way, but right now she wanted to choke him.

“We need to talk about Melati.”

Violet saw Sutan deflate instantly, any fight there was in him gone, the man sitting up straighter.

“What?”

“You didn’t notice at dinner?”

Sutan had touched down in New York the week before, home for the long stretch this time, the both of them grounded for a while, Violet only working a selected amount of collaborations until after the christmas season had passed.

“No? She seemed fine.”

They had eaten at home, chicken and greens, Melati helping with cooking while Violet had been holed up in her home office, speeding through her emails so she could be with her family, her door slightly open. If anyone asked, it was so the pugs had easy access to run in and out, but in reality she just liked the sound of indonesian coming from the kitchen, the house filled with vowels and words she still didn’t understand, but that always brought her comfort. Her daughter and her husband laughing together, but that had all changed when they had sat down to eat.

Violet could feel her lip grow sore as she bit it yet again. Melati had been in her high school for a little over 4 months, both of her parents gone for all of september, Melati coming to Paris with them this time, spending her days with friends and roaming the streets. Violet knew it had most likely been a mistake to take her out of school so early, but she couldn’t deny her daughter a chance to visit her country, not when she knew Melati would only go if her dad was also there, the trip over the Atlantic apparently more than she could handle alone with her mother.

“She isn’t happy at her new school.”

“Baby.” Sutan smiled slightly, putting his phone out, reaching out for Violet. “You worry about nothing.”

“I don’t-”

“You do. Remember when she started preschool, and you took a week off of work?”

Violet remembered it, more than remembered it. She had been terrified about Melati starting preschool, terrified about her daughter not feeling safe, scared out of her mind that the other kids would bully her, that Melati would have to experience what she had gone through when she had left home, her fear only disappearing when their little ray of sunshine had shined so bright it had almost hurt to look directly at her, the girl chatting and telling her parents every single little thing about her day, Violet even knowing where Melati’s favorite rock was on the playground.

Sutan gently stroked Violet’s cheek. “Remember her first parent teacher conference and how you almost threw up before we had to go in?”

Violet nodded, her worry about Melati not making friends instantly taken over by a fear of her failing her classes. In Paris Melati had been in a private school, Sutan and her barely looking at each other before they had both decided that they would send her to the best school money could buy. Violet knew she had been ridiculous, Melati happy and excited about her homework, Sutan easily helping her with whatever she needed, their next door neighbor Mrs Johanson always happy to hear what Melati had learned when she came to visit in her tiny dresses and carrying treats for them to share. Violet had known that her daughter was doing well, but as she was sitting on the tiny chair in front of her classroom, surrounded by other parents, waiting to be called in, to hear how her daughter was doing, her entire body had been itching, her fingers tugging at her dress in a way they hadn’t done in years, not even Sutan’s presence at her side calming her, Violet cursing herself again and again for the fact that she hadn’t taken Frida with her, and then, suddenly, it was all over and Melati was doing fine.

“I’m still not sure we made the right choice.. She seems so, sad, all the time.”

“She is a teenager in high school.” Sutan smiled slightly “Give it time. She just started. No one is happy in high school.”

“I wouldn’t know, I never went.”

“Believe me, you didn’t miss much.” Sutan moved a little, and Violet took the invitation, settling down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder, their legs intertwining, her hand over his stomach, his slight belly making her smile, even if it wasn’t the situation, her husband growing softer than he’d like to admit in his late 50’s.

“It’s just.. She doesn’t speak the language Sutan.”

“And she won’t if we keep her in her comfort zone.” Sutan stroked Violet’s arm. “It’s the right choice.”

Violet knew her husband was most likely right, the reason Melati had even gone to a french private school in New York that they weren’t sure they’d stay, the trust between Violet and Sutan still so thin when they had relocated, their love for each other stretched and seconds from snapping apart. Violet couldn’t find it in her heart to take her daughter from her home, take her from her country and her friends, and then also force her to enter an american school, an entirely new curriculum too much on top of everything else.

They had settled down, Violet’s business blooming, her finances so stable she could pick and choose what projects she wanted to do, Sutan flourishing in the world of TV, his easy charms and his quick wit making him the perfect host.

Their lives seemed to be perfect, but Violet couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling, the feeling that Melati was unhappy. Melati had been as cold as ice forwards her since they moved, her daughter still polite and kind. Violet couldn’t remember the last time she had felt anything but quiet resentment towards herself from the girl, but if Melati needed to blame her for their new life, needed someone to be mad at, that would be okay. Violet could handle it.

“If you’re sure..”

“I am.”

Violet nodded, knowing her husband knew their daughter better than she did. She trusted him with her life, and she would also trust him with his, even though her stomach still felt upset.

[averymessyxmas]

Chapter 10

Narkim:

 Norielle passed out and MJ grabbed her in time. “Narkim go get Janessa and Vada now!”. I ran upstairs, and Janessa was already coming out the room. “What’s going on?” She turned on the hall light. “Oh My Gosh what happened to your face?!” She said trying to inspect my face, I lightly moved her hand and shook my head. “Norielle passed out” I told her. Her eyes widened. “Where, where is she?” She asked. “Downstairs, get Vi” I said. I ran back downstairs, Vada and Janessa followed me minutes later. “Okay somebody call an ambulance, she is pregnant” Janessa said. “Nori!” She said lightly. MJ pulled out his phone and called 911. “Narkim what happened?” Vada asked. I shook my head. “She had an anxiety attack” I told them. “Alright they are on the way” MJ said.

We all sat in the waiting room at North Side Hospital. “Should we call mama?” Vada asked. I shook my head. “Nori would be pissed if we told mama” I said. MJ stood up against the wall. “How come yall aint tell me my baby sister was pregnant?” I shrugged. “Yall let us know what they say, walk with me Nari” MJ said. I sighed. “Yo what happened?” He asked. “My friend Andre, I was telling you about is her baby’s father, her boyfriend. I aint tell her I was the reason, she been stressed lately, and I can feel it sometimes she gets anxiety attacks it started since she got pregnant, I aint expect her to find out like that. I feel really bad man” I said feeling my eyes get watery. MJ sighed. “Nari, look once dude get out and everything, she’s going to forgive you, may take a minute but yall closer than we all are cause yall shared a womb, birthday yall just close, she just hormonal” He told me. Denisha ran into the hospital doors. “Is Nori okay?” She asked. She looked at my face. “What the fuck Narkim?!” She asked. “I got beat up by some nigga trying to do a deal, I’m good though, and we don’t know about Nori”. We walked back to the waiting room. “I’m looking for my daughter Norielle Simone Richards, she’s 20 years old, I’m her mother Sharice Richards” We all looked at each other. My mom had walked in with Nylah and Damien. “Man, who called?” I asked. Vada pointed at Damien. “D probably did” Janessa shook her head. Mama had seen us all and rushed over to us, “What happened is she okay?” She asked looking at MJ and Vada. She looked over at me and gasped. “Was it an accident, Narkim what happened?” She asked. I looked at Denisha. “I um got to a fight with some dude at the club” She shook her head. “If it’s one twin then it’s another” The doctor came out. “Okay Richards family?” She asked. My mom waved her hand. “Okay so Norielle is up, she’s just a little light headed. It seems to me she had an anxiety attack and passed out due to the attack, she is okay and so is the baby. I just ask that we keep her from stress being that she does have a little high blood pressure” The doctor said smiling. Mama shook her head. “Okay run that by me again you said the baby is okay?” She asked. I shook my head. “Yes, the baby is fine, and moving around he seems to be an energetic little fella especially due to the circumstance, you guys can now see her” She said before walking away. Mama turned and looked at us. “Yall knew?” She asked. “Mama I just found out like you” Damien said. She shook her head. “I’m talking to your older siblings”. We all nodded. “She didn’t want to tell you yet” Janessa said. “I need to sit this one down, I will see yall back out the house I can’t see her right now” Mama walked out. I was nervous to walk in the room. “Come on yall” Vada said. I sighed. “I’ll be out here” Nisha told me. When we walked in Nori was eating Doritos and drinking cranberry juice. “Nor, Nor” Vada said hugging her. She smiled as she hugged MJ, and Janessa, Damien and Nylah. She looked at me and shook her head. “I want you out! Get him out!” She yelled. MJ sighed. “Come on man. Doc said no stress”. “Norielle man I’m sorry” I said as MJ was lightly pushing me towards the door. I sucked my teeth and threw myself into the seat. “What happened?” Nisha asked. “Nori don’t want to see me” I said pouting. This is what I feared, losing my sister.

 Nori:

I was relieved to know my baby was okay, but I was scared as fuck to know I had passed out after having a bad anxiety attack. I was pissed at my twin for setting up Andre’ like that. He was in there doing time for nothing. While my brother was out here still doing nothing with his life but being a dope boy. Fuck him I don’t want to talk to him ever. He the reason I’m doing this shit alone. “Nori man how come you aint tell us we were having a nephew!” Damien said rubbing on my stomach. I felt happy to have my bump out and not hiding it anymore. “You’re going to freak but Mama Richards knows now” Nylah told me. I sighed. “I mean, She was going to find out eventually” I said calm. The doctor told me to stay calm. “When can you leave?” MJ asked. “Now” I told them. “Alright then chipmunk get dressed so we can go, its 5:13 in the morning we are tired” Vada said. I got dressed and checked out.

 When we got home, everybody went to their rooms. Nylah slept in Vada’s room since she was back in the guest house. I was hoping Narkim was smart and went to Denisha’s. When I walked into my room my mom was sitting on my bed drinking wine, at fucking 6 in the morning. “You know when I was pregnant with you guys, I almost lost you both due to high risk, the doctor said you were guys were supposed to not make it but you did and I knew you were destined to be something great. I didn’t expect you to end up pregnant” She said looking at me. I shrugged. “Well I didn’t either, but it happened, I can’t undo it but I can make the best of it” I told her. She just stared at me. “Was this a one-night stand, did the father bail, where is he, please don’t tell me you don’t know who he is?” She asked. “The baby’s father and I are together, he is away right now” I told her. She nodded. “So, he is visiting family?” She asked. I nodded slowly. I couldn’t tell her he was in jail. “What does he do, is he in school?” She asked. “Yes, his name is Andre’ Dobbs, his dad owns a small restaurant chain in Savannah, his parents also do ministry work and he is an honor student” I told her. She laughed chugging her wine. “Ministry work, do they know their son fucked my daughter and got her pregnant?” I nodded although I was unsure. “They are thrilled” I said. She shrugged. “Well, I hope you have a plan because I’m not taking care of that baby and honey when your father finds out, you’re going to have an ear full” She told me. “I’m going to school and I’m going to work and take care of my son with his father, I won’t need help” I said sternly. She nodded. “You don’t have a car Norielle or a pot to piss in but this house, you live in a dorm on campus once that baby is here you can’t raise him in the dorm room and have your roommate watch him before your classes” She told me. “Mommy I got this please don’t stress me out” I told her. “Hey, I’m, being realistic, I knew my fish dreams were real” She said before leaving out. I laid on my bed and rubbed my stomach. “Don’t worry baby, we won’t be struggling hopefully daddy gets out in time” I said. My door opened again revealing Grandma Rudy. “Nori” She walked in. “You okay?” She asked. I nodded. “Your mama called and told me what happened” She said. My mom walked back into the room. “You knew too?” She asked. Grandma Rudy nodded. “Mama you could have told me!” She yelled. Grandma Rudy put her hands on her hip. “I don’t have to tell you shit If I don’t want to, and this is why, you drunk again hollering go to bed Rice” She said before walking out. I laid back down and heard them arguing in the hall way. I was now wondering what Daddy was going to say.

Janessa: (5 days before Christmas)

It had been 2days since Norielle went to the hospital the house has been chill, no drama, Narkim been I’m guessing with his girlfriend. Nylah and Nori been spending time together. I’m assuming Damien and Nylah aren’t getting along. Which is awkward since it’s been so calm, but it’s always calm before the storm. I was making lunch for Chase, while Dylan was upstairs sleep. Since our last Dinner our mother had been at Stephans for a little while she had planned on coming back tonight since all the drama had ceased. “Paw Patrol!” Chase yelled. I turned on Paw Patrol on his tablet, I started cleaning up the dishes the house had been a mess since mama was gone. I heard a knock at the door. “Chase Mommy will be right back” I told him. He looked at me and smiled eating his grapes. I wiped off my hands and I opened the door. My heart dropped. “Hey Ness” Omari said. He had two roses. “I got one for you and Vi” He told me. “What the fuck? Why are you here?” Vada asked appearing beside me. He gave her a rose and handed me one. She grabbed her rose and threw it. I simply shook my head rejecting it. “She asked you a question?” I said folding my arms with the drying towel still in my hand. “It’s snowing out here can I come inside?” He asked. “Uh no you can freeze to death” Vada said. He pleaded with her through pleading eyes. “Vi” I said. She moved out the way. Omari walked in and closed the door. “Look I wanted to apologize to you both for putting you guys against each other and cheating on you Vada and taking things further with you Ness” He said. I shook my head. “Janessa” I said sucking my teeth at him. “You’re an asshole for telling her and second you made me seem like a hoe when you were the one  pressuring me to drink and fuck you that night when I was only 16, then you got me hooked on your pills after you got injured and couldn’t play football so you got addicted to pain pills and you knew I was depressed for getting an abortion after you tried to guilt trip me into keeping a baby I didn’t want in the first place!” I yelled. Vada folded her arms and shook her head at him. “Omari you need to go” She said. “Vi, you really going to listen to your hoe of a sister that split us up from the beginning?” He said. “Excuse me?!” I yelled. He looked at me and pulled out his phone. “I have old photos of you, and old videos of your pill popping druggie ass, All I wanted was Vada, so I settled for her dumb ass sister” He said. I was about to hit the fuck out of him. When I felt a force move me and punch him in his face. “Come at my wife again, and we going to have a problem for real” Dylan said. Omari laughed. “What you going to do white boy?” He asked him. Dylan walked up to him. Vada opened the door. “You really need to go and please for the love of God don’t come back don’t hit me up, you are already blocked” She said. “Vada look I’m a little drunk, I’m sorry”. He wasn’t trying to leave. “Ayo, this that Omari cat” Michael said coming down the steps. “Yeah it’s me” MJ nodded and pulled out his gun. “Come near my sisters, my family anybody again, I will put a bullet in your dick” He said. Omari hurried up and ran out the door. I looked at MJ shocked. “Malcom what the fuck!” Vada said. He smiled and shrugged. “I told you I was tired of him” he said before walking back upstairs. “Mommy!” Chase yelled. I quickly went into the dining room. “What’s wrong baby?” I asked. He pointed to the ground. His grapes had fell. I laughed and kissed his head. “Okay I will get you some more” Dylan walked in holding his hand. “Baby I need ice” He said. I kissed his knuckles. “You need more than that, that was sexy” I said to him. He smirked. “Nobody disrespects my wife” He told me.

 Damien:

 Nylah hasn’t looked at me, spoken to me. Respond to my texts in 2 days. Narkim aint been around to talk to. I’m positive Nylah has me blocked. Kristen still blowing me up after I aint talked to her since that night. I’m conflicted but then I’m not because I just want to cut this shit off have my best friend back. I was eating spaghetti mama made for lunch at the table by myself, Nylah came down to get some chips or something. She had knocked all the water bottles out the fridge. I got up from the table to help. She looked at me and shook her head. “I’m find Damien please leave me alone” She said sternly. “I’m just trying to help” I said grabbing a water bottle. “Well I don’t want or need your help” She said snatching the water bottle from me and leaving. I sighed. “It shouldn’t be this complicated” I said to myself. Kristen started calling my phone. I sighed. “Yerrrr” I said. She paused for a minute. “Excuse me! You haven’t answered your phone in 2 days sir, what’s going on?” She asked. I got up and took the call outside. “Look I’m not your man! I don’t have to talk to you! Please stop blowing my shit up! Damn!” I snapped. She started laughing. “So childish, your father doesn’t act like this” She said. “Bitch go fuck his old ass then, you’re talking to a child what do you expect” I said annoyed. “Bitch? You will not call me a- “I hung up the phone and went back into the house. She kept blowing up my phone. I put the spaghetti away. “Yo Mama?” I said. She was decorating the house with lights. “I’m bout to go for a drive I’ll be back”. I got in my car and drove to the park to play basketball. It was a little snow outside by I just needed my mind clear. I was playing for about an hour. “Damien?” I looked up to see Narkim. “One on One?” I asked. He shrugged. He still had a bruise under his left eye and band aid above his eyebrow. “What homie look like?” I asked. He looked at me funny. “The nigga that you fought” He laughed. “Ummm homie in crutches” He said. I laughed. “My nigga” I said. He started bouncing the ball and took off on my ass. We both played for our basketball team, well I currently play on the team while he played when He was in school. “How you and La?” He asked. Shooting his shot. “We not talking, she found out about the teacher” I told him. He stopped and looked at me. “What you going to do?” He asked. I shrugged. “Ima cut that bitch off simple” I said. “And then what?” He asked. “Get La-La back” I said. He nodded. “That’s my little brother” He said dapping me up. “How’s Nori?” he asked. I shrugged. “I don’t know she been chill her and Nylah been kicking it you know laughing and shit” I said. He slowly nodded his head. “I hate when we all aint getting along you know, we family we should be tight, but you know shit happens” He told me. “I don’t know what yall got going on, but it’s always been us 3 when the rents were gone or when everybody else moved out and we always been close so I’m sure shit will get better hopefully between mama and daddy” I said. He sighed. “Keep dreaming with that one kid, but aye I’m catch you later tonight maybe” He said before driving off. I bounced the ball a little bit before deciding to drive to Kristen’s spot.

 When I pulled up at her spot, I knocked on the door. She quickly opened the door and closed it. She shook her head. “Your dad is here” She whispered. I shrugged. “Good for you, I’m done with this shit don’t call me don’t show up at my house unannounced leave me alone” I said to her. She bit on her lip. “Why? Huh before you didn’t want to stop now why?” She asked. “Because Nylah found out and I care more about her then I do you, I’m sorry Ms. Madison” She laughed lowly. “That little bitch, she’s not even women enough for you” She said smirking. I smiled at her. “Call her a bitch again and I’m tell the whole world about us” I told her. She shook her head. “I can fail you out of my class and you won’t graduate or play ball again” She said. I looked at her. “You try to manipulate me to many times, now all I have to do is tell your father and everyone else that you been coming on to me harassing me, I have all those messages we used to have from each other” She told me. I shook my head. “I’m 17 and you psycho over some under age dick” I said before leaving. She got me fucked up.

MJ:

 Shit has been chill since we found out Nori was pregnant. Mama been quiet, we know she’s pissed. Nori and she haven’t really spoken. Nylah and Damien aint been talking. I don’t know what’s up with that. Narkim been distant. I don’t blame him, Nori is really hurt by his actions. My life been ok for these past 2 days. Gia and I been texting on and off like I said. I’m just chilling. I was sitting on the couch with Chase and Nori, and Nylah watching Zootopia. I don’t why they got me watching this shit, but it makes me really miss my kids. “Ding, Dong” The doorbell rang. “I got it” I told them. They were glued to the phones while Chase was watching in his little chair amazed at the movie. I got up and opened the door. I see it was Danielle. “Hey” I said. She smiled lightly. “Um I just wanted to stop by to check on Norielle. I had called your phone the other day but you didn’t answer so I called the house to let you know I was coming back on Christmas eve but your Grandma picked up and kind of yelled at me for not bringing the kids to see her and for not coming to check on Nori, so I’m here” She said. I nodded. I moved to the side to let her come in. “Norielle, Danielle here to see you” I said. She came in to the hall near the door. I swear as soon as we found out Nori was pregnant it’s like her baby bump grew or she just stopped hiding it. “Oh my Gosh, your pregnant?!” Danielle said in excitement. Nori smiled and nodded. “Yeah, been keeping a secret for a little minute, I’m having a boy” She said. Danielle lightly rubbed her stomach. “I’m glad you’re okay, congratulations honey, I will bring Chris and Lei over on Christmas eve”. Norielle nodded. “Okay cool they can meet Janessa son Chase, their cousin” She told her. Danielle looked at me. I shrugged. “Hey what’s my family without secrets” I told her. “Malcom can we talk upstairs” She asked me. I nodded and followed her upstairs. She sat on the bed in her big coat she had on. “I wanted to see you honestly, I had been missing you a lot and shit hasn’t been good between us and I don’t want us to get a divorce but at least try counseling this time and work on us, take time away from my job the kids just us” She said. I looked at her. “I mean, yeah that’s cool. I wouldn’t mind that, I mean I’m happy we can work on shit” I told her. She smiled. “Me too” She got up and kissed me. We started making out, it had been a minute since I see her. I can’t lie I missed my wife.

 “Ima come back with the kids before Christmas eve” Danielle said pulling up her leggings. “Come back tonight” I said grabbing her hand. She blushed. “Ima try” She told me. I got dressed and walked with her downstairs it was around 7:43pm. “I love you” I told her kissing her. “I love you” She smiled before leaving. I went into the kitchen to warm up the food mom made, and probably watch a movie on Netflix. I grabbed my food and brought it into the living room. Nylah was in the dining room with Vada. Nessa and Dylan were bringing up the stuff for the tree. “You know yall got to go get the tree tomorrow” Janessa said. I nodded. “Yeah, I know” I said to her. “I heard you and Danielle” Damien said making a face. I rolled eyes. “Shut up lil nigga” I told him smiling. “Yall made up, yall good?” Nessa asked. Mama came downstairs and grabbed my food. “You know you eat in the dining room MJ” She said. I rolled my eyes. “Aight mama” I told her. “When is Dani bringing my babies?” She asked. I got up from the couch. “Soon Ma, soon” I was walking to the dining room when the doorbell rang again, followed by a knock. “Who is it?” I asked. I opened the door to see some tall young guy. He had on a long coat with some skinny jeans and vans and his hands were in his pocket. He was like a rich kid. “Yo can I help you?” I asked. He nodded. “Hi, how you doing I’m looking for Norielle Richards, is the right address?” He asked. I just looked at him. “Im here big brother Malcom, who are you?” I asked wanting to know what this nigga wanted with my sister. “Im her boyfriend my name is Andre’ Dobbs”

[tallidiot]

Okay, so this morning I woke up and I went to Watrous, to get a reading done from the lady that I won the gift certificate from and I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect…I didn’t really have any expectations when I was going in or anything because I don’t know, I guess I was kind of skeptical.  Anyways, I got there and she a had a little studio in the back of a health store on main street there.  When I went in she said that she could sense my nerves and everything, and she explained everything to me and she told me that sometimes when she is doing a reading she will start to cry and that she gets anxiety but she is fine…and they aren’t her emotions and not to worry.  She told me that she sat down before I got there, and she had a notepad written out of what she had already been sensing and that I already had a few people there.  I took a picture of the pad, Ill show you.

The first thing that she brought up was a grandfather from my dad’s side.  He died when I was really little so I didn’t really know him that well. He was an alcoholic and my dad had a poor relationship with him after my grandma died  (I never knew her)  She said that she knew that he died a long time ago and that he was one of my guides and he was really far away and she couldn’t get a clear image on him.

The second person that she felt, was a friend?  She said that she didn’t know if it was male or female and she said that the images that they were showing her were like a hula hoop and a big bright lights like the circus or cirque de solei? Which didn’t ring any bells to me at all, so I was kind of confused and told her that it didn’t really make any sense to me. She said we will come back to it later.

She asked if it was okay to touch me and she put her hand on my knee.  She closed her eyes and her face was like scrunching up a little bit. She said that people come to her in whatever stage of their life they want her to see, so she said that she say a man in his 40s with a round face and he was scouling and really angry.  I immediately knew that it was my grandpa that just passed away because he always had a mean look on his face, I didn’t say anything and then she sensed that it was my grandpa on my moms side.  She said that there was a lot of regret….she said that he was really angry and since he hasn’t been gone for that long, he hasn’t learnt what he needs to learn yet and that he will eventually change, but the feelings and everything are all so fresh and new for him, or something a long those lines.  She asked me if he was into lawn bowling…or if lawn bowling meant anything to me, and I didn’t really have an answer for her about that…but eventually she said that she meant croquet and not lawn bowling which is something that tanner and I used to do with my grandpa all the time when we were younger at the lake and in my grandparents backyard when I was younger. He told her that he wanted me to remember the good times like croquet, and forget about everything else that happened later on in life.

   She said that she saw him as putting himself on a pedestal and that he was always looking down at people (which is so true.)  She asked about his relationship with my mom, and she said that he always looked down at her (also true) and that they had a bad relationship….she said that he didn’t approve of one of my moms realtionships (which…he didn’t approve of my dad and later in his life he didn’t approve of mom and Byron getting married.)  She said that he said that he missed my grandma and was showing images from their wedding to her? And that they were on the same playing field and were like two peas in a pod and so alike and that she always took him down a peg or two with his anger and helped him to be more level headed….(also true)  She said that he mentioned the song “misery loves company” jokingly about their relationship.

THEN the most fucked thing happened, she started talking about how there was a lot of regret, and something about missing an event in a basement hall (HELLO, my fucking wedding) and how he still had a lot of anger about that.  She asked me what was going on and why we were mad at each other, and I told her that it was because he accused my family of stealing some stuff from their house and also because he thought that I was talking about him and my grandma at that one Christmas when I stopped talking to him.  As soon as I told her that, she said that he put his hands up in the air and let them fall to his side and said, “im done” which…is something that he always did in real life, and I can picture it…like its so fucked up?  Then she said that he said “they turned their backs on me” which, I guess is kind of true because we stopped talking to him after that Christmas and him not coming to my wedding.

Since my grandpa has passed away my grandma has been telling me all sorts of awful things about him, like almost a side to him that I have never seen or heard about until he was gone. Tanner and I were over for supper right after my grandpa died, and she was telling us that when my mom was first born that my grandpa took her outside of town for a drive with my mom when she was a baby and they stopped outside of PA and my grandpa stopped the car, and he started RUNNING!!!! And my grandma was alone holding my mom in a dark field and that she heard shots being fired at them and she thinks that my grandpa hired someone to kill her and my mom because he didn’t want the responsibility of being a husband and a dad!!!! She was bawling when she told Tanner and I this, but it seems so outlandish that I didn’t really know to believe her or not. She also told me that she woke up one night and that my grandpa had tied a bedsheet around her neck and he was trying to KILL HER.  Also, most recently, she said that her blood sugar was really low and she was telling my grandpa that he needed to take her to the hospital and he wouldn’t!! and he wouldn’t call an ambulance either, and she passed out and she was out for almost an hour and he wouldn’t do ANYTHING!!  And I keep on hearing these stories from her, and how she thought he was schizophrenic or there was something mentally wrong with him and ten years ago she said “enough is enough” and said he had to go to a psych or she was going to leave him because she just couldn’t do it anymore.  The psych talked to just her afterwards, apparently and told her that she should leave my grandpa.  She was crying and crying and telling us all of this and saying that she has held onto all of this for 51 years.

SO, today the medium was asking me about like near death expierences or somebody that should have died but didn’t?  And I was like, well…my grandpa has had four heart attacks, so I don’t know if he is talking about himself or what?  And, she was like it seems like a women is attached to the image?  And I remembered the thing about my grandpa passing out and my grandpa not getting or calling for help so, I told her about that and she said that my grandpa was pacing and saying “im a bastard, im a bastard, im a bastard” over and over again?

She said that she didn’t get any emotion from him, and that she has never had a read like that before….She said that he said he was never mean to me (true) and that he always really liked me and really was proud of me and what I do but there was a disconnect and he didn’t know how to let me know (which is also so true, I never remember my grandpa once telling me that he loved me)  

She said that the person that had the imagery about the cirus/bright lights/hola hoop was being so persistent and telling me that I would “get it” but I just didn’t.  The only person that I can remember passing away that I was close with was Jason Pawelko (my friends younger brother that OD’d and I lived with him for awhile)  But the circus/hola shit just didn’t ring any bells.

Anyways, she moved back on to my grandpa on my dad’s side which she kept saying “he is right here” which kind of freaked me out because she said that they don’t usually get this close, but he wanted me know that he was always looking out for me.  She said that he was skinny and frail and she wanted to know if he was always this docile in real life, and I told her from what I remember, yes but I didn’t really have a relationship with him. She said that he watches over me, and that he is so proud that he had something to do with naming me, which at first I was like…I don’t think that he had anything to do with the name Savannah…but then I remembered my middle name, Mae.  His wife’s name.  She said that he was proud of me and that he really liked tyler.  She said that he had something to do with Tyler and I meeting (from the other side) and he knows that we met by chance (fucked!!!) She said she could see him sitting there with his arms crossed, and that he didn’t have much to say but he just wanted me to know that he watches over me.

 Back to grandpa jim, she said that if I had any questions or anything for him, that I could ask him in my mind and she would get an answer or an image or something from him that I would have to interpet, since she already kind of touched base on the whole wedding thing, and how he was still hard headed and still thinking that he was right about the whole thing, the question that I wanted to ask was “were you really as mean to my grandma as much as she says you were?”  the medium put her hand on my knee, and I thought of the question.  She said that the image that she got was an almost cartoonish set of angry red eyes with laser beams glaring down at me.  She asked me if that was making any sense to me…and it wasn’t really, and then she said…it almost doesn’t even feel like it is coming from him?  It is really weird and that she had never seen anything like that before.  I was thinking about it, and as soon as she said that it seemed like it wasn’t from him…I was like…is this the fucking side of him that I never knew?  Is this….what my grandma has been trying to tell me? So, I asked the medium if it was okay to tell her what I asked and she said yes, and I kind of explained (in not tons of detail) about how since he has passed away that I have been hearing all kinds of horrible things about him and that I didn’t know what to believe because it was a side of him that I would never have imagined seeing.  She then said that she didn’t want to scare me, but it was almost like a devils face…and she said, I have been doing this for a long time, and I have been in contact with people that have been murdered, but I have never seen something so negative and scary and bad.  She said that there was something going on that I didn’t know about, I told her that I didn’t really know if I believed my grandma about what she had been telling (I didn’t know if it was dementia, paranoia? Old age? Or what….) and the medium said that she didn’t want to tell me what to do, but that she said if she were me that I should believe what my grandma is saying……..the medium was crying when she said it.

 We went back to the hoola hoop thing one more time, and she said that sometimes it is like a future prementation or almost like a psychic like thing, but if I get asked to go to the circus or to cirque de soliel or whatever that I should go…..don’t know what any of that means?

 Anyways, she hugged me and I left.

 I got an email a little while later after I left and she said that she got more insight after I left….She said that she would like to call me after 5 o’clock…she basically said that she got more information about what she say (devil) and that maybe something is attaching themselves to my grandpa because he was so angry all the time. Not to sure what to make of all this, but pretty crazy nonetheless.

[memorylang]

Remembering Mom—Third Year After | #36 | May 2020

I joined Peace Corps chiefly to experience part of my mom’s life teaching English in Asia. Thus, nearing one year since I left the States for Peace Corps, I reflect now on what I’ve come to understand about her... and me. 

Coincidentally, this story #36, published on my normal Friday schedule, coincided with May 8, 2020, the exact day marking 36 months since my mother’s sudden death. While most events occur during Week 9 (Chinese number for longevity), this story begins Week 10 (number for perfection). Amazing. 

As something unprecedented to this blog, I felt transcribing for you one of my penned free writes would give the clearest sense of where I’m at with Mom. So expect a tone different from my blogging norm. 

A Story for Mothers’ Day

[4/22/20]

God gave imagination as a gift, so [I use] it now to envision [my] mother and grandma. [My paternal grandma Mary] and [Mom] greet [me] in the meadow. They smile lovingly, and [I feel] their warmth. 

“I want to tell you everything,” I emote. “Life under quarantine has led me so much closer to you.”

The two continue smiling, kind eyes wide. I go on, speaking the frankness I long to know. [...] The two seem so glad I’m taking time to share with them. I muse I’ve really nothing better to do at 11 p.m. on this Wednesday night. They’re glad. 

“Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying it up there together with everyone else. Mom, I envisioned you with your parents and brother some sleepless nights ago. Mary, I imagine you, too, at peace with your parents and among your son and your husband. You all must be doing just fine in Heaven.” [...]

“Do you have any advice up there for me on the spiritual life? It gets awfully tough down here sometimes. I know you know. [...] Rosaries help, that’s true. And acts of kindness are certainly key. [...] My, you two both had busy families to attend to. I guess you must be praying beside Jesus now, for the rest of us still here on Earth. [...] Maybe it’s hard watching us all slip and fall sometimes. But then again, you’ve such hope in us. Thank you for praying on our behalf.”

I try to think of what else I might say while the Spirit’s given me their attention. I feel moved by how the two grew up from such humble origins yet were so loving all the same. [...] I hope in Heaven they've gotten to know each other very well. 

“I guess one area that’s troubling me these days is the prospect of pursuing academia. It’s daunting. It’s tough. But Mom, you did it. And Grandma, you sound like you had so much hope. So, I guess I’ve patron Saints like you up there helping me here, reading while I read, praying while I pray.” [...]

“I mean, heck, Grandma, I’m writing to you as though I know you, but I don’t believe we’ve met. I hope you don’t take offense. You don’t sound like the woman who would, though.”

*sigh*

“It’s a big world out here on Earth. I guess it’s even bigger in the heavenly kingdom. Oh, how I wish I’d be better at taking breaks and just resting in the majesty of your world. God made us to love, more than to work. [...] And in time, we’ll be healed to something beyond the beginning. That’s the resurrection. This is Easter. 

“Maybe you two get to spend holidays together. If you haven’t I hope you try it. In mortal time, Mom’s been up there nearly three years, anyway. I like the term, ‘passing on’ more than ‘passing away,’ by the way. I think you’ve moved from this life to the next more than you’ve simply left this one. 

“How joyful it must feel to live in a reality without status, one where all are one! Perhaps my depravity in this life will teach me gratitude in the next, as Peace Corps informed my time right now. That’d be nice…”

The two gesture it’s getting late, and there are things I’ve still to do tomorrow. But I shouldn’t forget to cherish my pilgrimage on Earth while I’m still on it. They’re right on both these accounts.

I’m glad of the time we spent together in these short moments. May the Spirit guide and protect me onward to my rest and return to living tomorrow. All is well.

Wrote My Way Out

Although this is the first and only 2017-2020 free write I’ve shared publicly among nearly 100, I felt its content valuable to help you witness a grieving process. And no, I don’t imagine Heaven as a place, “up there,” exactly. But since childhood, I’ve pictured my “happy place” as a meadow of Psalm 23.

Now I’ll give context. 

That Week 7 (April 17-23), I’d just finished seeing “Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker” and felt too annoyed to sleep. Still, a few of Skywalker’s quotes spoke to me: “A thousand generations live in you now,” “You have everything you need,” “No one's ever really gone.” 

The quotes reminded me of my “Frozen II” feels and brought to mind a sleepless thought I had earlier. As in Mongolia, I struggled at times to sleep these past months home and would think to Mom. I envisioned her at peace, reunited in Heaven with her parents and older brother who passed while she was rather young. Mom came from a troubled childhood, I’d learned. But her older adulthood spiritual struggles inspire me to this day. 

Generations In Me

Nearly a month before, Week 3 (March 20-26), I’d begun home improvement operations, namely garage sorting and donation projects. My younger USC sister helped during her visit home the following week, too. 

Uncovering Dad’s old family photos on our Austrian-American side, I felt motivated to dig into family history. So I aggregated years of emails between an uncle and me and paused my garage operation to spend nearly two days straight weaving stories into one narrative. 

I uncovered on Dad’s side, generations of faithful heroes in a vaguely biblical way. Through my uncle’s resources, I traced back at least three ancestral marriages of a ‘Joseph’ and a ‘Mary.’ A couple of my Austrian ancestors had 12 children, a Christian number. And those parents may have met on a Marian pilgrimage. I felt awed to have genes from them, who walked before. 

But I felt most moved by stories of my late grandmother, Dad’s mom. As among the Marys who married a Joe, she was especially devout, relatives said. And only later in life did my uncle, who would study German, learn his mother came from a troubled childhood. My grandparents’ devotions to the rosary and ancestors’ devotion to our Holy Mother shone new light upon my spiritual lineage. 

So, that Wednesday, April 22, 2020 night, I took to the pen. Since winter 2017, I've revived an old grade school hobby of keeping an unedited free write journal. As an undergraduate that 2017 spring, having left a stressful job and joined more liberating orgs, I wrote for a creative and mental wellness outlet. After Mom passed, months later, my free writes would draw more catharsis. Even years later, while in Mongolia, I took free writes as my ‘time heist’ mentioned in my first Mongolia blog story, June 2019. 

Thus, remembering Mom and conjuring my grandmother, I penned what I shared here. 

Hidden Mother

During Week 9 (May 1-7), I experienced significant moments around Mom. Here lie the many. 

After posting a Monday blog story, I usually spend the Tuesday after on house projects, to break from screen time. Recall, when my USC sister visited for Easter, she and I sorted away Mom's lifetime of dresses. Back at Christmas, I sorted Mom’s books—all but her desk’s, feeling those among her most cherished. 

May's first week, having finished “Easter Epilogue | #35,” I felt ready for Mom’s desk. My family left it almost untouched the past three years. 

What a struggle. I saw a dusty accordion folder, for example. I opened it to find what it might be and suddenly met a whiff of Mom's perfume. It saddened me. I could imagine why my family put off touching her desk post-death. I could practically feel her presence in her things. Finding a 2010 letter penned in China, I marveled how our relatives loved her, decades beyond her leaving. 

Here’s where things get very curious.

Earlier that day, I felt like practicing Spanish again, but with the communicative way I practiced Chinese and Mongolian. Reaching out to Salvadorian friends, I felt glad they supported me eagerly. (Later, I realized it was Cinco de Mayo, though I doubted that affected El Salvador.)

But while sifting Mom's books to bins, I felt astonished. 

I found a black notebook not unlike those I use. Dated spring 2013, I would've been a high school sophomore finishing Spanish classes. 

At first, the book seemed nothing special. Mom penned pages of translations to technical words from the decades of Chinese-English dictionaries her shelves housed. Her notebook focused on English for medical science and technology. Still, I paged through. 

Then I felt so shocked, I left the room. 

My mom studied Spanish. 

She practiced what she preached... She professed languages open doors, wanting my siblings and me multilingual. But she aspired toward it, too. 

I could hardly believe it. Wisps of memory returned to me. 

If Mom was alive during this Coronavirus period, she'd surely be doing exactly what I'm doing—studying.

And then I felt, yet again, I really am my mother's son. Her love of languages—I'm of her next generation.

Mom still has my back, all these years later. :)

A Blessed Generation

I continued the night for hours stowing Mom’s things. And curious thoughts came to mind.

Mom and I learned differently. She self studied phrase books and dictionaries. But my family’s had internet since I was young. Besides grammar books, I’ve had online translators, video access and friends as native speakers. 

Throughout my childhood Mom and Dad would say how they were giving me a better childhood than either of them had. I realized it, with such abundance. At my fingertips have been resources hardly seen in human history. I have ways to learn that few could envision mere decades ago. 

I noticed in one of Mom's dictionaries after she was an English professor, she, too, wrote with the International Phonetic Alphabet. One of my Mongolian colleagues first showed me that alphabet. 

For better or worse, maybe my colleagues were right—English as the globe's most valuable language? And Mom sacrificed the life she knew in China. Emigrating, she gave my siblings and I abundant lives. Like her, I became an English instructor—but one privileged with native English. 

As I walked our house to find new homes for Mom's possessions past, I noticed my Mongolian language notebooks and suddenly felt emotional. 

Could Mom have imagined I'd know Mongolian, too? That I'd spend nearly a year bordering China? That I’d teach not only my English but also her Chinese—to real students. 

I sighed. I hope Mom saves me a nice seat in Heaven beside her. 

The Little Flower 

Later that night, one more find spoke to me. 

I noticed peculiar plastic bags with a book about grief among Mom’s things. I assumed the city handed these to my family when officials visited to impart our mother was killed. (I wouldn’t know, for I was away at uni, asleep with a vision I’ll never forget.) But, maybe the funeral home gave these after sealing Mom’s casket. I noticed especially the crimson rosary siblings said Mom kept on her. 

Holding its beads, I noticed an inscription read, “St. Therese, pray for us.” 

Strange—Mom never mentioned St. Therese. Mom grew up without churches in China, though, so I wondered whether Mom knew St. Therese’s story. I wondered, was this St. Teresa of Avila, Thérèse of Lisieux or another? 

On the back I found a little flower. Alright. 

Then a thought struck me—St. Thérèse the “Little Flower” would be this year my 19-year-old little sister’s confirmation saint. Since me, Sister would be my first sibling to receive the sacrament. 

Maybe St. Thérèse prayed for us. 

Case Closed

Wednesdays keep coming up. Before I share what happened this Wednesday, here’s an Easter egg. 

Earlier that week, I returned to a series I used to see the summer before I left home for uni—Marvel’s “Daredevil.” Picking up where I left off, the hero wins a court case and approaches his client, a youth who’s lost something for life. The hero, who bears a similar cross, coaches his client, winning the case doesn’t change reality. The client will have to live with this loss the rest of his life. 

That Wednesday afternoon, our family had an unexpected web call with our lawyer. Mom's wrongful death case settled. After over two years' challenging litigation, we won. Mom wasn’t at fault. “Justice prevailed,” say some. Our lawyer echoed the hero. A win could never replace a parent. 

Feelings Beyond Mother

This is the most emotional part of today’s story. We’re hitting “Frozen II” spoilers, so fair warning if that worries you. 

Alright. While flying home from Mongolia, I wanted to see something either in Chinese or with subtitles. "Frozen II” had Chinese subtitles. So I chose it. 

But it surprised me—magnificently. 

From the moment the musical numbers began, I felt moved by timely lines, “Yes, the wind blows a little bit colder / And we're all getting older / And… That's why I rely on certain certainties.” I sat in the jet plane leaving nine months of uncertainty into the unknown. 

I reflected on losing my community suddenly. The film’s themes of change felt nothing new, though welcomed. As it went on, I related to the princess’ unwavering love for her sibling. I related, too, to her sibling’s quest to their late parents. 

But “Show Yourself,” that crushed me.

Its piano, the iridescence, the darkness and wisps attracted. But something more related. Lyrics felt as me talking to me, trying to talk to God or Him trying to me. 

“All my life I’ve been torn. … Are you the one I’ve been looking for, all of my life?”

Then, determination: “You are the answer I’ve waited for, all of my LIFE!” 

I thought the hero would find herself… I didn’t expect who would help. 

The climax came. These moments stunned: 

Hero: “Mother?”

Mother: “Come, my darling, homeward bound.”  Hero: “I am FOUND!”

Together: “Show yourself! Step into the/YOUR power. Grow yourself, into something new.”

Mother: “You are the one you’ve been waiting for!”  Hero: “All of MY LIFE!” Mother: “All of your life—”

I replayed that movement four times after finishing the film. 

I cried. 

Mom’s Effect

Years since Mother’s death, I’d racked my brain trying to find her. 

Three years ago, I instinctively knew after Mom’s death, my siblings and I carried in our very lives the image of her. But I felt I wanted to know her, who she really was. 

Then I heard and saw the hero’s mother afar profess with her, “You are the one you’ve been waiting for, all of MY/your life!” To remember, I am the very one I need and seek… That broke me.  

The song struck like “Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” three years before. Yet, this transfiguration felt… personal. 

Weeks later, I still reflected on why I identified so strongly with the climax. 

I felt in some ways released from the quest that drove me my upperclassman uni years, indeed, to the point I entered the Peace Corps. I pursued this path to find my late mother. I wanted to know her better. She taught English in Asia. I’d teach English in Asia. 

Because, in many ways, I trusted I would find and know myself through her. Indeed, following my mother’s star led me back to her… and me. 

I felt my power. If I return to Peace Corps, I’m doing it for my reasons, not Mom’s. If I’m teaching in Asia, I’m teaching on my path, not hers. For mine is not hers. And hers isn’t mine. 

Liberation’s euphoric. 

Transfiguration 

For weeks, people had told me as a Christian, the power of the Holy Spirit is mine to use in God’s name. I just need to call on it. 

To my bewilderment, the exact day after seeing our “Frozen II” hero’s transfiguration, my first return to Mass in weeks celebrated the Transfiguration of the Lord. What? That following week—attending daily morning prayers, rosaries and Mass—concluded with reconciliation. My Lent continued. 

Weeks later, I finished Mom’s copy of “Tuesdays with Morrie.” But days before seeing “Frozen II,” I felt awed to chance upon these lines: “‘Morrie,’ Koppel said, ‘that was seventy years ago your mother died. The pain still goes on?’ ‘You bet,’ Morrie whispered.” 

I circled those lines.

Three years later I still search—for much. I still write. But, the journey won’t end soon. And the journey is the most beautiful part. 

My Chosen Five

I focus on nurturing strong mental, moral and physical habits daily, amid Coronavirus quarantining. Each day, I've been working out, eating more protein, reading Scriptures, journaling, getting information, relaxing and practicing languages. And I welcome the friendly chat. 

I especially love my early mornings in America, when it’s evening in Asia. My friends are up and eager to pick my brain. Their drives to learn English inspire. 

I practice Mandarin Chinese and Mongolian to keep in touch with friends and family and to enjoy meaningful exchanges. I'm learning Church Latin and Spanish to help me read histories to pursue in graduate religious studies. Spanish benefits my Latin and helps me keep in touch, too. 

So these are my five languages to which I’m committing. From Mom and Dad I inherited English—from Mom, language power. Now I grow myself into something new. 

New Beginnings

Losing my mother shall not define my life. But, I won't fear letting go, either. 

Instead, I hope to integrate more the passing of her life to mine.

For I reflect her. In me always lives her. That's special. 

The end of May 2019 began my life with Peace Corps Mongolia. During my nine months, Mom resurfaced throughout. A year later now, back in the States, I’ve kept my service close at heart. 

So, rest assured. New stories will come. 

All in God’s time. 

Up next is a 2020 Father’s Day reflection. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

P.S. Since Dad checked by the Marriage License Bureau today, who knows? Maybe by Mother’s Day 2020, Dad’s fiancée will be my next mom. But as for today’s piece, this took days to revise. So I hope it made sense. Feel free as always to share thoughts. —And thanks, friend. Peace be with you. 

[paladinpandemonium]

Tag Post!!

I was tagged by @commodorecliche​!! Thank you!!

RULES: ANSWER THESE 85 QUESTIONS AND TAG SOME PEOPLE

I shall put this post under the cut, since it will be a long one!! I’m gonna tag @vomet-comet​ @skeletonflows​ @kigamin​ @welcometothephatparade​ @boomeruption​ @livingrainbow :D Of course normal rules apply, if you dont wanna do this, you have no obligation to, its just for a bit of fun! :D

THE LAST 1. DRINK: Hot Chocolate 2. PHONE CALL: My Grandma 3. TEXT MESSAGE: My Mum 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: This is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco 5. TIME YOU CRIED: Hmmm.... I’m not too sure actually. :/ I’m not really a person who cries unless something MEGA SERIOUS happens  6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: Never :3 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: Only ever kissed 2 people, and I havent regretted either ^-^ 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: Nope. 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: Not a person...do cats count?  10. BEEN DEPRESSED: I havent ever been diagnosed depressed, so I guess not. Unless this means just having a really big downer mood for a long period of time? In that case, I guess?  11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: Nope! :D  3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. Cyan 13. Purple 14. Dark Pinks IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: You betcha I have! 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: Wasn’t properly in love with anyone in the first place :3  17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Far too many times to count! I blame you guys, you know who you are! 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: Yeah, but it wasnt anything bad :3 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: Yes!! * Looks @vomet-comet​ * 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: I am the type of person who *usually* (I have been know to make mistakes D:) only makes friends with people after I can be sure I can trust them :3 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: Yups ^-^

GENERAL 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: Must be only a handful that I havent met in real life  23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: Two cats called Noah and Roan and 3 Chickens called Agnus, Lucy and Margo (Anyone who sees where those names are from, my parents named them, not me :D) 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: Nope, I’m chill. 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: I share my birthday with my Dad and it is right next to Christmas, so we went for a family night out to a restaurant to celebrate the season in general ^-^ 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: This morning, I woke up at 8. Its the summer holidays though, so I could wake up at any time from 7:30 to 11:30 really 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: Chatting with the peeps, and scrolling through this hellsite <3  28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: My trip to Granada this coming October/November!   29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: 10 minutes ago, before she left for work 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: Good Grief - Bastille 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: I have yes, there is one in my year at Sixth Form! Why you gotta know, tho? *checks side to side* 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: My nerves :D xD Seriously, if there is one thing that makes my blood boil the most, it is my anxiety. LET ME DO THE THING DAMMIT  34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: Here and Facebook :D 35. HAIR COLOUR: Dark Brown 36. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: Short 37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: Not really, I guess  38. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: Hmmm, physically my eyes, personality wise my friendliness (I hope I can be counted as friendly??? D:)  39. PIERCINGS: None, it is something that has crossed my mind once or twice, but I would probably get 1HKO’d by my father if I got one now xD 40. BLOOD TYPE: I genuinely don’t know  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really wanna know tho.... 41. NICKNAME: Matt, Filthy Mercy Main, Hooker (its my last name) and The Gay™ 42. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single pringle and ready (not really) to mingle 43. ZODIAC: I’m a Capricorn 44. PRONOUNS: He/Him 45. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: YURI!!! ON ICE!!! WOOOO! My current obsession phase atm is Voltron, though! GO LOTOR GO 46. TATTOOS: None 47. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: So right handed it hurts me 48. SURGERY: Never had any surgery ^-^

50. SPORT: The only sport I do is Ice Skating (I wonder why.....but I am getting ok at it now!! I am Grade 6 by the UK standards!!)  51. VACATION: I’m going up to Northumberland for a week after my Exam Results day with the famalamalamalam  52. PAIR OF TRAINERS: Converse :D  MORE GENERAL 53. EATING: Nothing 54. DRINKING: Hot Chocolate 55. I’M ABOUT TO: Play more Overwatch (I just got my silver portrait for being level 600, and I am revelling in it) 56. WAITING FOR: The sweet release of death (plus Mercy’s new skin) 57. WANT: To pass Spanish A-Level. PLEASE GOD, I KNOW I HAVENT BELIEVED IN YOU BEFORE, BUT HELP ME OUT HERE D: 58. GET MARRIED: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

WHICH IS BETTER: 60. HUGS OR KISSES: Both!  61. LIPS OR EYES: Both. 62. SHORTER OR TALLER: Preferably taller, but it doesnt really  bother me 63. OLDER OR YOUNGER: Don’t really care. 64. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: Either or 65. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: Relationship. 66. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: I don’t really mind! HAVE YOU EVER: 67. KISSED A STRANGER: Nope 68. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: Nope 69. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: I have, but after I lost my glasses, my lenses fixed themselves, so I don’t need them anymore :D ^-^ 70. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: Yup. 71. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: HAHAHHAAHA, nope 72. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Maybe? Idk.... 73. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: YUSH 74. BEEN ARRESTED: Nope! 75. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: No-one near me has died 76. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: YUSH (MADA MADA) DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. YOURSELF: Depends on the alinements of the stars, whether I had quality time with my cats, and how many blood sacrifices I have received (i.e. sometimes) 78. MIRACLES: Not in the religious sense, but something happening against overwhelming odds? Sure 79. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Not love. Maybe want, but not love. 80. SANTA CLAUS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANTA ISNT REAL 81. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: It would be nice, but I would never enforce it e.t.c. as I am too much of a culprit of not seizing the moment xD 82. ANGELS: Nope OTHER: 84. EYE COLOUR: Light Blue 85. FAVOURITE MOVIE: I honestly couldnt say... a couple of my favourites are The Nightmare Before Christmas, Maleficent, How to Train Your Dragon and The Road to El Dorado

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends (part 17)

My parents and I have arrived at our house in England. I love this house, it's full of childhood memories. Like the time I caught my finger in the door and Josh shut the door, causing my finger to break. Fun times. "So the boys are here around 6, and every one is coming round in an hour or so." My mum informs my dad and I. "What's the time now?" I ask. "Half four." My dad answers for her. I nod and text Luke saying I got here safely, because I kinda forgot to tell him (even thouh he was on my mind the whole flight), I guess I was busy with unpacking. Me: hey sorry I forgot to text you when we got here, I was busy. X Luke: its fine :) when are you going to see everyone? X Me: well it's half  four now, and they are coming in an hour or so, the boys are coming at 6. It must be around 2 or something there. Am I keeping you awake? X Luke: no, can't sleep. You jet lagged? X Me: a bit, but I slept most of the flight. X Luke and I continue to talk for half an hour before he decided to go to bed (and me nagging him to). "I'm going to go freshen up." I say, because I'm in a hoodie and some sweatpants. I change into a cropped sweatshirt and some jeans. Putting on some light make up and brushing my hair through, I spray some perfume to finish. I've got 15 minutes so I'll paint my nails. Looking through all my nail polish, I decide to go with black. I buy so many different colours, yet I always seem to go for black. Eh 10 minutes later I'm done and they are all dry. I fucked one up though, I'm quite good at painting them, I just don't have the patience. Going down the stairs and walking into the kitchen. Grabbing an apple and a knife, I walk to the lounge again. "Prison Break huh?" I ask my dad. "Yeah, I was planning on taking some notes." He jokes and I laugh slightly. "Funny." I sarcastically reply. I cut a slice of apple and putting it my mouth. "Door!" I call out. "You couldn't possibly get it?" My mum huffs as she walks in. "My legs broke." "Lazy cow." She mutters. "Heard that!" I shout out to her. "Hello!" I hear loads of people cheer. Suddenly realising that I have a huge family, a lot of cousins, it's only me, Evie, Josh, and Angus that are the older ones. My mother and father had me and my brother's quite young, as well as Evie's parents. I have loads of small children cousins. Everyone was around my grandparents house and then they all came here. As dad has joined us again this Christmas, we have even more people. My mum and I cooked a load of food before hand, well some of it is still cooking. I walk towards the door, where everyone is take off their coats and shit. "Hello." I greet. "Harper! How are you?" My grandmother asks. "I'm good thanks, you?" I reply. "I'm very well, thank you. It still amazes me at how beautiful are, I swear you get even more beautiful every time I see you! Long legs, lovely hair, beautiful body shape." My grandma gushes. "Aww grandma stop!" I smile in embarrassment. "All the boys must be all over you!" She winks. A certain boy comes to mind, causing my face break into a huge smile. "Well, I have my moments." I joke. She laughs and walks through. "Har Har!" My cousin Toby beams as he attaches himself to my legs. "Hello." I say poking his little stomach. My other cousin Emily latches onto my legs as well. "Babe, I can't hold both of you." I tell her. "Well I could, but I don't want." "Why do I attract children?" I ask my aunt Lauren. "Because you are so kind and caring." She smiles. Lauren walks past me, "and keep them with you for a while, they've been latched onto me all afternoon." She whispers into my ear. "You evil son of a-" "Children around." She cuts me off. Reuben and Lilly walk off with Lauren, so I'm left with Toby in my arms and Emily at my feet. "Oh fine, c'mere." I give in and scoop up Emily and we walk off towards the lounge. "Aww look." My mum cooes. I roll my eyes and put toby and Emily down. Sitting down on the floor, because all the seats are taken. Reuben picks up the knife, I had for my apple. "No!" I quickly say and take it of him. Deciding I'm done with it, I walk into the kitchen and put it in the bin. "So Harper, how is life in Australia?" My uncle Robert asks as I walk in. "Um, same old really. School is quite busy, hanging out with friends." I answer as Lilly plays with my hair. "Oh, how is Luke and um the others?" Lauren questions. "Umm, they are good, they are all going on tour in March, we're all excited for that." I reply. "I would've done anything to be friends with a band when I was younger. Just seeing them in their element." My grandpa chimes in. "It is nice, seeing the people you love be so happy." I smile and bite my lip remembering all the fun times we've all had. Everyone drifts into a conversation about their childhood, and all the retro stuff they had. A piece of paper is thrust upon me by Emily. "What do you want me to do with this?" I chuckle. "Draw." She demands. "Dance monkey, dance." I joke. I pick up a coloured pencil and start doodling. Why do I seem to attract all the children? They're constantly poking me, playing with my hair, making me play games. Don't get me wrong, I love them to bits, why me? Why not aunt Lauren? After 15 minutes of drawing, I lay on the floor letting out a groan. I'm too tired for this. Hopefully Evie and the boys will be here soon, so I can 'play' with them. "Is it hard work having four kids prodding you and making you play imaginary games?" Lauren questions in amusement. "Yes, but it's not as bad because I'm just colouring and being poked." I her. "Like why do they keep poking me with pencils making me spaz out?" I claim. "Well, I have to deal with it 24/7." She laughs. I hear the sound of a camera shutter going off, and I groan. "Why?" I half-heartedly chuckle. "Because it's funny." My mum says. I roll over onto my side (very sociable with my back towards everyone) and pull my phone out, scrolling through instagram. "Kids these days." I hear someone mutter. "Heard that." I mumble. "The three other devils will be here in a couple of minutes." My mum informs everyone. "Oh my God, the four of them all together. Prepare for some sass, moody teenagers, and anti-sociable teens." Robert says. "Hey we aren't that bad." I defend turning over. "Pfff, yeah right." My dad adds. I roll my eyes and get a drink. "Plus the others aren't teenagers." I call over my shoulder. The doorbell goes off and I race towards it, I need some people my own age. "Josh!" I grin. "Hey lil' sis." He greets. I roll my eyes and hug him anyway. "I'm glad your here, I need people my age." I sigh. "I take it a bunch or 3 to 6 year olds aren't doing it for you?" Evie questions as I pull her into a hug. "Nope." I reply. "Har Har!" Angus teases. "The amount of times I've been called that this afternoon." I shake my head head, and Angus pulls me into a hug. We all walk through to the lounge, and a bunch of kids come running towards us. Everyone says their hellos and gives out hugs. "Right, let's get seating arrangements sorted." My mum says to the adults. Us four go into the the lounge. "So how was Dubai?" Evie asks. "I saw your Instagram, and it looked really cool." Josh adds. "Yeah, it was really nice. Luke and I had been drifting apart, and it brought us closer together, well I think at least." I say replaying the moment Luke and I kissed. "Yeah, that picture your mum posted on her Instagram, was well... you tell me." Evie smirks. "Since when did mum have social media at all?" I panick. Angus pulls his phone out and shows me, I scroll through it. "So that's where those people have been getting those pictures." I realise. I look at the photo, and its me facing Luke and sitting on his lap, with my arms resting on his shoulders, and Luke's hands on my waist. I mean, it looks cute. "So what's going there, Harps?" Josh smirks. "For the last time, we are just friends." I huff. It's true we are just friends at this moment in time. "Yep." Evie hums. I roll my eyes. "So how's uni?" I ask. "Really busy, I've got a couple of pieces of 'home work' to do whilst I'm home." Josh replys. "We went to this crazy party, the other weekend and we all got smashed." Angus tells me." "Dude! Why did you tell her?" Josh scolds. "It's not like Harper hasn't gotten wasted before." Angus points out. "Eh, I've had my moments." I admit. "I bet you drunkenly made out Luke, or at least one of the boys." Evie laughs. "Oh my God, your worse than the fans." I laugh. "She definitely ships you two, like her life depends on it." Josh pokes at Evie. "I just think they'd be cute together." She shrugs. "You've only met him like three times." I claim. "Harps, pass the remote." Josh asks, extending his hand out. "Catch." I tell him and throw it at him but it hits Evie in the head. "Shit! Ouch!" Evie shouts. "Still after 17, nearly 18 years, you still can't throw for shit." Angus teases. "Shut up, it's not my fault Evie has a big head." I laugh. "Bitch." She mutters. "Bish." A little voice says. I look down and see Lilly. "No, don't say that. It's a bad word." Evie scolds. "But you said it." She says. "Like to watch how this pans out." I laugh. "Well, I'm a grow-" Evie gets cut off by Lilly running off screaming "bish!" I love children's pronunciation. I quickly get up and chase after her. "What are you doing, you little rascal." I laugh as scoop her up. "Harper!" She squeals. I put her down and she runs off towards her parents. Laughing as I walk with her into the kitchen. "How long till dinner?" I ask. "In a couple of minutes, so go sit down." My mum says as if I'm a child. Walking towards the others and picking up my phone. "Mum wants us to sit down." I tell them. They all nod and stand up. Angus walks up to me and turns around. "What are you doing?" I chuckle. "Jump on." He orders and lowers himself a bit. I scream at first and then burst into a fit of laughter. "Now I get on." Josh jokes as he clutches my shoulders. "No!" I warn. "It feels like Christmas." Evie claims. "Yeah, but that's not until 5 days." I point out. "Angus what are you doing?" I ask. He doesn't saying anything besides just dropping on to the sofa. "Fuck you." I laugh. "Aww." He teases but brings me into a hug, I shrug him off and walk towards the table. "Where are we sitting?" Josh asks Lauren. "That table." She point to a small table with four chairs around. "Guys, I think Lauren got the wrong table." Evie snickers as she sits at the children's table. I burst out laughing, because her knees are nearly by her shoulders. I sit next to her and the boys join us. Getting my phone, and taking a picture. "We are so weird." Josh chuckles. I stand up and sit at the suitable table. "How is Emily and Toby supposed to eat on their own?" Angus wonders. "They're three years old, I think they can manage." I answer. Emily and Toby are twins who are 3, Lilly is 5, and Reuben is the oldest being 6. After a couple of minutes of us all on our phones Josh speaks up "I thought we were supposed to be eating." "Well, while we wait, I'll put some music on." I reason. I start playing I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard. *** Many Christmas songs, meaningless conversations, and stuffed stomachs later, dinner is over. Evie and I are sprawled out on an armchair, all the others are either on a sofa or the floor. All the children are sleepy and its really cute. "Can you pass me my phone." I ask Evie. She hums a yes and reaches out for my phone on the table behind her. "Thanks." I smile and unlock my phone. Finding I have a missed call from the one and only Michael Clifford. Calling him back, because you know, it's polite. "Hey, what's up?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen, because I don't want disrupt anyone. "What did you do to Luke?" He dives straight in. "Elaborate." I tell him. "Ever since he's come back, he's been a smiley dork." He chuckles. "Isn't he anyway?" I laugh. "Yeah but even more so. Whatever you did, please do it again, because I like it. Luke's been an arse for past month, and it gets annoying after a while." He claims. Don't have to ask me to do it again. "I didn't do anything, but I'm glad he's happy." I reply. "I can hear your smirk from across the world." He tells me. "No you can't, I've got to go now, bye." I say. "Okay, but I know your hiding something, bye, speak to you later." He finishes off. "Believe what you want Mike." I giggle and end the call. "Who was that?" My mum asks. "Michael." I answer sitting back down. She nods and goes back to watching some soap opera. I go through the pictures on my phone of Dubai. "Look at this picture of Luke with a fish, and how proud he is." I tell Evie. When we went to the aquarium the first time and a fish seemed to be attracted to him (don't blame it), and he seemed so proud of himself. She laughs and goes back to her phone. Around an hour later, we are all saying our goodbyes. They're going to be coming back tomorrow or something though. "Bye!" I say as the door closes. "I'm going to bed because I'm tired as fuck." I tell anyone who's listening.

[fivethings5-blog]

Growing up, Christmas was always such a mixed bag for me. It holds some of my sweetest memories, and also some of my hardest. It’s such a supercharged time of year emotionally for me as so many of these memories tend to make an appearance around the holidays.

Some of my earliest memories were at Christmas time. We didn’t have any furniture, and probably many other things that we needed, but I remember so vividly my parents getting me the thing that I wanted the most – a talking Cricket doll. It was one of the first of its kind and it has left such a lasting impression on me that my parents somehow made it happen! 

One Christmas, when my brother Johnny was around five years old and I was about four, he had a brilliant idea. He woke me up around two in the morning and told me Santa had come. Since we were both scared of the dark at the time, we turned on every single light in the house, and because neither of us could read at that time, we preceded to open every single Christmas present under the tree! We didn’t know whose gift was whose, so we just opened every. single. one. of them! You can imagine the look on my exhausted parents’ faces as they woke up to this nonsense not long after finishing all the wrapping and finally heading to bed. They picked us up by our pajamas, threw us into my brother’s room, and swiftly locked the door. That morning, when we woke up, every single present had been re-wrapped as if the incident had never even occurred. I don’t know how they made the magic happen, but they weren’t going to let us ruin Christmas for everyone else! As a parent now I just think of how crazy it would be to encounter my kids in the wee hours in the morning, with every single light on in the house and wrapping paper everywhere. I’m glad I’m still alive to tell that story! 

Christmas Eve was always spent at my Grandma Klinko’s house, which later became the Galloway’s (my aunt’s family’s) house, but they kept the tradition going. Once my parents got divorced, this became the most difficult night of the year for me. After spending the evening with my dad’s side of the family he would drop us off at my mom’s house for the night so we could spend Christmas morning with her. My mom always made Christmas really special, but it broke my little heart knowing that my dad was going to be alone for the night and the next morning. I am an ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs scale and that moment always made me feel all.  the. feels! 

Something that I am eternally grateful for about my mom in my younger years was that she had an amazing ability to take an ordinary moment and make it a magical celebration. Christmas was the time my mom would pull out all the stops. It wasn’t that she spent a lot of money, but she was amazing at making the atmosphere special with the lights, the music,  and of course the matching Christmas pajamas. Beyond that, just being around her was special. She just drew you in with her somewhat larger than life personality. My mom was really creative and quite resourceful at times, and she used to make various white chocolate creations and sell them around the holidays as a way of saving for our Christmas presents. She had chocolate molds galore, but on Christmas day she was essentially done for the season, so she would let the kids have at it. We would spend time trying to recreate my mom’s creations, but none of us would eat them because we all hated white chocolate! She was also really creative in that some years she would wrap each of our gifts with a specific color of wrapping paper or ribbon and we couldn’t know which were ours until she woke up in the morning and told us. One Christmas she even put firecracker poppers all over the floor outside of our door so we couldn’t sneak out and see the presents. Now that I think about it, I’m even more impressed that my mom had these ideas before the internet or Pinterest!

If my mom embodied Christmas spirit, my dad was, well, the opposite. Some years we would get a Christmas tree and some years not. Some years we would get Christmas gifts and other years he would tell us we weren’t getting any Christmas presents and then change his mind at the last minute. He was a man of his convictions, and although I appreciate that about him, it also makes it really difficult when you are a kid and you don’t know what to expect during a time that is so centered around traditions. My Dad really wanted to follow his conviction that Christmas was a pagan holiday and that we were going to have no part of it, but he also hated disappointing his kids. My dad was also very much a larger than life personality, which is probably why my parents couldn’t work things out. If there’s something to be said about my dad, it’s whatever he did, he did it all. the. way. I see my own reflection so clearly as I write about my parents – for better or worse.  

Christmas is supposed to be a time of cheer, but it’s not always full of joy for some. My heart goes out to those that are hurting this time of year. The last time I saw my mom before she passed was on Christmas. I wish I knew how little time she had left, but she was only 37 at the time, and who would have guessed? Although she was very sick the last couple Christmases we spent together, when I was a teenager I had no concept of time or mortality. “She’ll get better – we all get better when we’re sick.” I didn’t know that you don’t get better from liver failure. My mom didn’t really talk about her sickness much so I didn’t even know how bad it was, especially because we lived an hour apart and didn’t see each other often at that point. We can’t go back in time to change things, but I’m thankful that as I grow as a parent I get to see life through my moms eyes a little differently and I have far more understanding for her now than I ever could have at seventeen. (You can read more on growing with my mom here: My Glass Castle)

When things get crazy around this time of year, it’s important for me to realize what is truly important to me. I never want my kids to have to experience all the hurt and sadness that I experienced growing up. I hope that is every parent’s wish. Knowing that my kids get to grow up with parents that love them and love each other is a better gift than anything that they will ever find under the tree, and while I have the time, I’m going to make sure they know it!

It’s really so sweet seeing how faithful God has been to redeem Christmas for me by also giving me some of my sweetest, most life changing moments over the years. You’ll have to stay tuned for that post though! 

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Jess

  The Ghosts of Christmas Past: When things get crazy around this time of year, it's important for me to realize what is important to me. #ChristmasMemories #Christmas #parenting Growing up, Christmas was always such a mixed bag for me. It holds some of my sweetest memories, and also some of my hardest.