#and like whether or not the sibs were abused/neglected

[ambrosiagourmet]

mx. glitz have you seen this. (@ atissi here) /post/744351681315291136/hadnt-seen-anyone-post-the-full-comic-about-laios

i feel like chewing on dry concrete. the toudens......

Post link: atissi.tumblr.com/post/744351681315291136/hadnt-seen-anyone-post-the-full-comic-about-laios

I haaave, and I honestly have like some very complicated feelings about this one, which is part of why I haven't talked about it here.....

In general I very much dislike the tendency for media (and culture at large, at least the culture I'm familiar with) to push reconciliation as the main, or sometimes ONLY happy ending for people estranged from their family. Which isn't exactly what this comic is doing, buuuut... it IS very in line with a sort of like "well you don't understand, your parents had complex reasons, you should forgive them, etc," especially when paired with the fact that it's noted in Falin's bio that she hopes Laios and her parents will reconcile.

With a little more space I've been more able to take this comic as something very anchored in Falin's perspective, rather than necessarily an objective declaration that the Touden Parents Were Right, Actually. Which also was a little hard, honestly, because A) I kind of like to imagine that in post-canon, Falin would be a little less likely to dismiss her own pain in favor of empathizing with others, and B) its kinda shitty to Laios to frame things this way, imo?

Or like... it's one thing for her to have a different perspective on her parents, but framing it as like a "Laios misunderstood" thing, especially in context of her explicitly wanting him to get back in contact with them... eugh. Girl, he is allowed to have his own feelings on the matter and make his own choices. Downplaying his trauma in order to empathize with your parents (who were ADULTS in this situation, while both you and your brother were kids) is not a neutral action.

ANYWAY that all being said... I do find it kind of believable that she might still be caught up in some messiness with all this. Navigating trauma and parents and estrangement is already hard enough on its own, and adding in a sibling - who has different needs and different coping mechanisms - doesn't make things any easier. I hope she can sit down with Laios at some point and actually talk things out.

Also I hope she can give herself a little more space to like. Acknowledge that some shit happened, even if she can empathize with her parents here?? Like... even if you can understand sympathetic reasons for them to have done what they did... they still did that. Her father still failed to communicate with her or Laios. Her mother still lowkey assaulted her. Reasons aren't the only things that matter, especially when it comes to a parent's treatment of their kid. The actions they took were still harmful, and I think that it's important for Falin to have space to acknowledge that. Honestly, if she's anything like me, its gonna hit her like a TRUCK someday, once she finally has the space and safety to sit down and work through things.

Above all else though, this comic definitely gets one thing EXTREMELY right in my book: Marcille is fucking ready to throw down with the Touden parents and give them the lecture of their lives, as is her friend-realizing-the-shit-her-friend's-parents-did given right. o7 Marcille, go with my blessing.

[amuhav]

All the odd questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Loch please.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

His one-night stand with Ash. Because Amir was right, Loch wasn't some stupid confused teenager anymore. He was a grown man who even drunk knew it was a bad idea, knew he wasn't in the right headspace to give more than that, knew he was in a rebound friend's-with-benefits thing with Alice only because he'd just got out of another relationship and questioning his sexuality and whether he was even capable of being a person in a relationship, with anyone. He knew all that, and still got drunk and did it anyway. He convinced himself they both knew what they were doing and one brief moment of pleasure would be fine, when it really cost his already spiralling mental health, and the trust and mental health of Asher. And even though they're good (mostly) now, he knows he can never take it back, and he can never change that it put Ash in that vulnerable position for someone like Finn to swoop in.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Not communicating honestly with people. Not just Ash, but really anyone. He rarely lets anyone know his actual wants and needs, I guess because growing up they didn't really matter.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I mean, depends. We know Loch has very specific lines he won't cross, but... he is still a Karaish, and all of them have a sort of built-in "the rules don't apply to me" kind of mentality lol.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Loch was supposed to AroAce which is honestly hilarious to me now. I mean, he is very much not asexual at all lmao, but he is kinda still on the aromantic spectrum. He knows he's never felt any romantic inclination towards any women, but he's not sure how that applies to men, though to be honest, he's at a point now where it doesn't really matter. If it's not Asher, it's no one. I really don't think he'd ever have actually been with someone legitimately if it weren't Ash.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

His words, and absolutely lol. It comes out more when he's drunk, but even sober push him enough and his tongue turns vicious.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absodamnlutely lmao. Mainly because we're pretty alike, but also because it reminds me of the catty banter relationships I have with my friend's IRL, or some of my old work friends. Extra yes because he's a guy I could have that kind of friendship with knowing he wouldn't be catching feelings too so I wouldn't have to worry about it lol.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

Noooooope. All of Gen 3 happened before I really knew of the concept of face claims lmao.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Made his parents emotionally absent af whilst still being physically present lmao. Like, there's so many specific events in his life I could point to instead, but him stepping in to parent his younger sibs is like, the root cause of most of his issues. But his parents weren't ever abusive, or even truly neglectful, and in their own way they are still loving parents. So it's kinda... complicated? Like, he loves them and can't hate them, and he feels any bitterness towards them isn't really worth addressing, and it's not like they can do anything about it now anyway. Like, it's not going to change what it did to him. It made him the person he is and that can't be undone, so why ruin that relationship now?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He usually either gets bitchy or he lashes out, depending on the specifics.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

~anxiety~. for which he currently takes meds and has been through a course of CBT.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Vulnerability. He hates feeling it, and hates showing it. So he runs from it, or twists it into something else, like anger.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

He's a lil bitch and honestly, I ~vibe~ with it lol. Especially now he's making that petty, bitchy side of himself more public. Like, there's a lot about him that drives me fuckin insane, but his cattiness definitely isn't one of them lmao.

[makeste]

A theory I have seen is that Fuyumi wants the family back so desperately, because she and Toya experienced the better Endeavor, where everything was alright. My guess is that after his decent into abuse its stopped being like a normal family and Natsuo and Shoto never experienced a normal family. But that is just a therory

okay so speaking as someone who grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent (though in my case it was my mom rather than my dad)... it’s complicated. there are a lot of emotions there. I think one of the things Horikoshi has really excelled at with the whole Todoroki plot is the way that he’s used the four siblings to show the different ways that children respond to parental abuse. and I can say from personal experience that all of them are valid. not just the bitterness, anger, and resentment that Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto have all shown at times, but also that intense (but tentative, almost wishful-thinking) longing to just have a normal family that we see from Fuyumi. speaking again from experience, that last one isn’t an outlier at all. in fact, in my case, I’d say that was honestly the strongest feeling out of all of them, and it even fueled a lot of the other three emotions. btw just a heads up I’m gonna delve into some personal stuff here briefly, so yeah. I won’t put details, but if anyone wants an abuse trigger warning added to the post or anything like that, just let me know.

so the thing is, even during my angriest times, if some magic wish-granting genie had poofed in and told the child me, “’sup, I’m here to solve all of your family problems, just tell me what you want me to do,” I wouldn’t have wanted them to take my mom away and lock her up somewhere and make her suffer or anything like that. honestly, even during the worst of it, the thing I wanted more than anything else was just to have a normal family. my mom had a lot of untreated mental health issues, and it was basically a situation where you never knew which version of her you were going to get on any given day. so there were times when she was a kind and loving mother who took care of me and my siblings. and there were a great many more times when she was temperamental and erratic, and we all (my dad included) basically just walked on eggshells around her and did our best to lay low and try not to bother her because even little things might set her off, and we never knew how she was going to react. and my dad worked a lot, and my sibs and I were homeschooled for reasons which I’m not gonna get into because this post is already veering off on too many tangents, but anyway so the short of it is that my sibs and I grew up in this unstable environment and ended up more or less raising ourselves. and I resented my mom a lot for that, growing up, and I still do honestly.

now a lot’s happened since then, and she’s gotten some help, and my siblings and I are all adults now and we’re more or less good, even though we all took a certain amount of Psychic Damage along the way and we’re each still dealing with that. and we each have different relationships with our mom now, and a couple of my sibs are even fairly close to her. but for my part, I pretty much have no relationship with her at all outside of seeing her a few times a year at family get-togethers and the like. the thing is, even though my mom did eventually (after a LOT of false starts and struggles and heartache) get some help, she’s never really shown remorse for what my siblings and I went through because of her. she’s never taken responsibility for any of it. she blames a lot of other people, and will go on long rants about all of the terrible things that have happened to her and all of the horrible ways people have treated her (some of which is true, and some of which very much is not). but there’s never even the slightest acknowledgement of any of the things she herself has done to hurt others. she either passes the blame or just pretends it never happened. 

and honestly, it sucks. even now, there’s little to no real desire to change on her part. she’s gotten therapy and meds now, and so emotionally she’s much more stable than when we were kids, but one of the unfortunate results is that it’s all the more clear now that a lot of her behavior never had anything to do with her mental illness at all. she just didn’t care at all about how she was hurting others; or at the very least, didn’t care to face it. and that’s just how it is.

anyway, so I’m sorry to keep breaking away and telling you guys my own life story lol. but the point I’m trying to get at here is that I actually relate to Fuyumi so much, though. what I wanted more than anything was for my mom to care, and to say she was sorry, and for me to be able to believe that and to trust her, and for her to actually change. that was it.

and so for me, here’s the biggest difference between the Endeavor situation, and my own and so many others. the difference is that unlike people in real life, we know Endeavor is actually remorseful for what he’s done. we know it for certain because we’ve seen it for ourselves, from his own point of view. the manga actually lets us get inside his head and shows us that he really is sincere, that he really is sorry, and that he really is trying to change. and that’s something that’s impossible to get in real life. that certainty that the person really means it, that they’re genuinely remorseful and committed to making amends.

and for me, that’s fucking wish fulfillment right there. for the abusive parent to finally realize the error of their ways and be sorry and try to do right by their kids. I fucking wanted that. hell, I still want it, even though I’ve made my peace with things the way that they are. that chance to somehow heal the broken relationship, and have your parent genuinely try their best to be a real parent to you, even if it’s years after the fact? shit. I’d take that in a heartbeat.

and so when it comes to Fuyumi and her attempts to get her family to reconcile and experience a few normal things, I f feel that. I really do. because when you’re growing up in that type of situation, normal is all that you want. and I don’t think it’s anything that requires an explanation on her part, because it’s not actually an unusual reaction at all. it’s natural. it’s the most natural thing in the world. honestly it’s annoying that fandom sometimes tries to shame her for having those feelings. like honestly, fuck that. because the thing is, I’d wager that almost every kid who grew up with an abusive parent has at some time or other felt the exact same way.

and that includes Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto as well. literally the only difference between them and Fuyumi is that they feel that Endeavor’s change of heart is simply coming too late. it’s not that they don’t want their family back, just like she does; it’s that from their point of view, it’s something they can’t get back. for Fuyumi, that dream of having a normal family is something she’s still seeking. for Natsuo and Touya, that dream of having a normal family is something that was destroyed. something that Endeavor killed. something they’re in mourning of. and so Touya wants revenge for it, and Natsuo is trying to pick himself up and move past it. and meanwhile Shouto is caught somewhere in the middle of all of those reactions, because he’s still trying to decide whether or not he can ever bring himself to trust his father again. he’s somewhere in between his brothers’ mourning and his sister’s hopefulness. sort of a Schrodinger type of deal lol.

but anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that all four siblings are really experiencing the same thing, just in different ways. Fuyu may be the one arranging family dinners and the like, but that same longing to be part of a normal family is at the core of Natsuo, Shouto, and even Touya’s behavior as well. Natsuo’s hurt and resentment, and Touya’s spite and bitterness, come from being denied the thing they want. and Fuyu’s shaky attempts at reconciliation come from her desire to still obtain it somehow. but at the end of the day they’re the exact same feelings. and they all come from the same place.

anyways, hopefully that makes some kind of sense. basically, everyone is valid. Fuyu is valid, Natsu and Shouto are valid, and Touya is murdery which isn’t cool, but his feelings are still valid too nonetheless. hugs and therapy for the Todoroki children in 2021, Horikoshi. please and thank you.

[sagemoderocklee]

How do you see Sasuke and Gaara's relationship as friends/evolved towards friendship?

i love this question anon! thank you! i hope i can do it justice, because i definitely feel that Sasuke and Gaara have a lot of potential in relating to one another. They are both incredibly similar, i’d say more so than Naruto, and while they do have a lot of differences, I think ultimately they share more common trauma and mental health issues than not. 

Which is why i wish the potential friendship wasn’t glossed over or just reduced to bad jokes from the fandom about gaara being jealous of sasuke 

now it’s been a while since i’ve done a full rewatch, but i think the first thing that should be pointed out is that gaara picked sasuke. during the chuunin exams, he saw sasuke as an equal before he ever so much as fought sasuke. he overlooked naruto, he underestimated lee... but he picked sasuke. he saw sasuke, he saw the look in his eyes and he knew. he knew they were the same--they were both deeply scarred from their childhoods of abuse, neglect, violence, betrayal... Yashamaru, the only person Gaara had in his life who he thought loved him, tried to kill him; Itachi, the person Sasuke idolized, his older brother who was perfect and wonderful, killed their entire clan and then tortured sasuke. 

they both had a deeply violent trauma inflicted upon them from a very young age, and they both went to a very dark place. both were also shown to be somewhat similar as children--both kind, both warm, both caring, both loving. I would argue that prior to the trauma, they were both on a path towards becoming incredibly soft, gentle men--a fact which does play out with Gaara and to an extent Sasuke (look at his relationship with animals). Naruto, though he has gone to a dark place too, reacted differently to his trauma. He became loud, he became a trouble maker. He wanted to be acknowledged, so he acted out. Gaara and Sasuke were not on a path towards acknowledgement.  

Sasuke wanted vengeance for his clan--something that he was told to seek out by itachi himself. Gaara, though it’s less explicit, wanted vengeance for himself. 

I think in his choice to love only himself and to kill as a way to prove his existence, really speaks to a similar perspective that Sasuke had. He needed to be the strongest, he needed to be the best--but for Gaara, Yashamaru was already dead. He couldn’t do anything to his father, the Kazekage, which is where the blame should be placed--his father and the council. But he can’t do anything to them, and he can’t just destroy his entire village though he obviously did try. Gaara’s actions, his reactions, everything about his breakdown and subsequent change after Yashamaru’s betrayal and death speaks to feeling trapped, feeling like he had no other options, feeling helpless. 

I think Sasuke also felt helpless. 

Sasuke was forced to live in the Uchiha compound even after the massacre. He had to relive the trauma he’d faced over and over again. He was forced to walk the same streets where he’d found the bodies of every one of his family members, he was forced to live in the house he’d found his parents... over and over again. every single day for years. 

That sort of repetitive trauma creates a sense of helplessness, and pushes him harder to follow the path Itachi laid out for him. He’s desperate to kill itachi, which makes him an easy target for later manipulation. 

Gaara’s repeated trauma wasn’t just the abuse from the village, which is obviously something he does share with Naruto, but specifically the five other assassination attempts on his life (something that Naruto does not share). Obviously, those other attempts would have similarly resulted in the deaths of those five other ANBU who’d been given that task. But those attempts on his life are not only singularly traumatic for Gaara in that the attempts are being made at all, but they also rehash the horrible betrayal from Yashamaru and his subsequent death. They remind him time and again that his father hates him. His village hates him, his uncle hated him, his mother hated him. I think, in many ways, the violent deaths around Gaara, caused by him, are a rehashing of that trauma caused by Yashamaru. While Gaara was trying to embody what Yashamaru said, what his mother supposedly named him for (ware o aisuru shura, “self-loving carnage”), I think too he was trying to relive that trauma out of confusion. 

we don’t have a lot of onscreen time with Gaara from this time. the number of onscreen deaths at his hand (4) don’t really paint a full picture, but i would argue that almost every person he killed was worth killing in some way or another. look at how he brushed off Naruto early on or Lee at the start of their match, I don’t think Gaara killed people who he felt didn’t matter. In the Forest of Death, he killed those three Ame shinobi because they had the scroll and because ultimately they were in the way of obtaining it, but also because the leader of that trio made it clear he thought he was stronger than Gaara. In the grand scheme of things they didn’t matter, but he had an objective--the scroll--and they were an obstacle, and ultimately it was a writing convention used to show that Gaara was dangerous. Obviously it’s hard to say for sure, but while I think that while Gaara was killing sort of haphazardly, seemingly without reason or care, that he ultimately always did care and there was always some logic in his own mind for the deaths. 

anyway, all this babbling is me leading back to my first point: Sasuke and Gaara share more trauma and mental health issues in common than is ever explored in the series. 

i think the moment that really for me is vital in this discussion is during the Five Kage Summit/Sasuke vs the Five Kage when Gaara and Sasuke come face to face for the first time since they were twelve. 

Gaara’s response is not to try to kill him or capture him, it’s to try and talk to him. It’s to try and relate to him. Because he does relate. He does empathize--obviously Gaara is missing a lot of pieces because he doesn’t know what’s happened or why Sasuke is attacking them. He doesn’t understand that Konoha and every other nation is at fault for so many wrongs in the world.

But he cares. He empathizes. He understands where Sasuke’s at, and I think in some ways he does see himself in Sasuke even though it’s been years since he, himself, reacted violently to the external world. I think he knows he could still be in that dark place, that it was but a moment from the universe that allowed him the chance to change. 

Sadly, I think Gaara, as a character, had the potential to be more than just another person to buy into a system of militaristic power, but it was wasted. He listened to Naruto, and he decided that he’d follow that same path; he’d forgive an entire village and the shinobi in it who went along with his abuse, he’d continue the system--like my own personal headcanons are that Gaara is far more radical and revolutionary than he’s presented in canon. I think that he made a choice when he was very young and inexperienced and still coming to grips with the life he’d led, the trauma he’d endured, and didn’t fully know what he was getting in to. 

But once he does, he works tirelessly to do right. Obviously for the first few years, especially before his death, he’s fighting against stigma and fear and is still really young--I don’t think he knows yet how to be the Kazekage fully or what radical thought really is. He has to work with the council and do his best to present as non-threatening as possible. Then after his death, I think he’s got a little more room to work with but not that much, and then the war happens a few years later. After the war, I think that’s when he really starts to get the chance to see Sasuke’s revolutionary and radical perspective on the shinobi world. 

So anyway, back on track... 

Gaara sheds a tear for Sasuke during that scene because they share so much in common. Gaara is a painfully empathetic character, but this is also because he does see himself in Sasuke. 

I think Sasuke would remember that. 

I don’t imagine that they can be friends until after the war, but I think that Sasuke does remember that moment; he doesn’t remember much of that day, running too high on more trauma and mental/emotional stress, having a breakdown, etc, but he does remember that moment. Gaara was the only one who didn’t want to kill Sasuke. He tried to reach Sasuke. 

So, Sasuke doesn’t go back to Konoha--which like good--he travels. 

He visits Suna. 

Gaara welcomes him. He doesn’t act scared, he doesn’t act weird or skittish. He’s not extra careful around Sasuke. He greets Sasuke as though they are friends which Sasuke is sure they never were, and he invites Sasuke to stay at the Kazekage estate instead of one of the hotels in the village or even the shinobi housing compound which does have a wing for visiting foreign shinobi. Nope. Garara invites him into his home, allows him to join him and his family for dinner--it is incredibly awkward because Temari and Kankurou do not have the same perspective on Sasuke, and maybe Shikamaru is visiting and feels even MORE awkward than the other Sand sibs. 

But Sasuke was welcomed. He was treated like a friend. 

Sasuke is not a character I’ve spent as much time thinking about and hcing, but I do tend to think of him as closed off, guarded. a man of few words because he just doesn’t feel safe divulging information about himself--whether it’s his feelings or his past or whatever. I also imagine that, after everything he’s been through, Sasuke hates being confused and he hates second guessing peoples’ intentions. 

He’s been used by so many people in his life, and I think Gaara’s kindness would read as a red flag to Sasuke instead of something genuine. 

But Sasuke isn’t afraid of Gaara. So he finds Gaara in his study, late that night after dinner, when everyone else is asleep, and he asks outright, “What do you want?” 

Gaara is confused as fuck. “What do you mean?” 

“What do you want from me?” 

Gaara probably gets that little crease between where his eyebrows should be. “I don’t understand.” 

“Why are you being so nice? I used to be a criminal.” 

Finally he understands. But Gaara isn’t exactly good with explaining his own emotions either, so it’s probably a difficult discussion. “You were a victim of your village, as much as I was once a victim of mine. I have no reason to be cruel or unkind, because I understand you, Uchiha Sasuke.” 

Sasuke doesn’t really know Gaara, so he doesn’t know if he can trust Gaara, but the words definitely strike a chord in him. Someone else understands him. Someone else empathizes with him. It’s enough. 

Sasuke leaves the next day for other lands. 

But whenever he’s near Suna, he stops by for a visit. 

Gaara always welcomes him. He’s always happy to see him in his own way. They talk sometimes about shinobi life in a hidden village, about Naruto’s progress on becoming Hokage (both of them feel like he’s got a lot of work to do), on political matters that Gaara should definitely not be talking to Sasuke about but that’s fine Sasuke won’t tell anyone. Sasuke shares some of his ideas, Gaara likes some of them. Sasuke’s perspective helps Gaara to acknowledge his own past and the horrors he endured thanks to his father and his village. He accepts that he doesn’t need to forgive the wrongs done to him. In turn, Sasuke finds that kindness can be as revolutionary as anger. He’s not as afraid to be vulnerable. 

Gaara’s the first person to know how Sasuke feels about Naruto. 

Gaara doesn’t really know much about romance, but he’s seen his villagers, his sister and Shikamaru, he’s even seen Kankurou once or twice smitten with a local girl but he was too afraid of commitment to pursue. He encourages Sasuke. 

“Naruto has fought for you for a long time,” he says. “From what I know of him, of his determination to bring you home... I would say he loves you.” 

Sasuke doesn’t tell Naruto that he and Gaara are friends. He still doesn’t really get it sometimes, he doesn’t always trust it especially when he hasn’t seen Gaara for a long time. But he always finds a reason to stop by Suna, he always finds time to stay at the Kazekage estate at least for a day to catch up with Gaara. 

I imagine they have a very quiet, soft sort of friendship. One built on mutual understanding and empathy, compassion and kindness, and unrelenting honesty. I imagine they grow close over the years of infrequent visits and political discussions and sometimes heavier discussions like their past traumas. 

[spectrumscribe]

hiyah spectrum!! i was wondering if you had any headcanons for leo, maybe some ideas about stuff after the s2 finale? feel free to ignore but i absolutely adore your character analyzes and how you study their personalities!!

Ah yes, my troubled blue son. Tsk tsk, Leo has like 3million unresolved issues and is dealing with them terribly in canon. I’m glad you came to consult me on my manner ofheadcanons and personal analysis for his character; I have a fair amount opinions aboutboth those things. And by a fair amount I mean a stupid amount.

You specified Season 2’s final, and lemme tell you, I havethought deeply on that, and pretty much every other part of Leo’s characterevolution/devolution. Straight from the beginning to the current, I’ve lookedover Leo’s whole journey and this is the result:

For starters, while it seems like probably 99% of the time Iloathe Leo, I really don’t. At one point I might’ve, but for the most partthese days I kind of just… pity the kid. Being a leader is no easy job, letalone one that has to send his kid brothers into literal war over and over. Thefirst set of writers for this show did some work with that part of hischaracter, an older brother terrified of failing his siblings and father andlosing them all because of it, but not nearly enough in my opinion. There was areal opportunity to go better into depth of how hard it is to be a leader,beyond just giving reasonable arguments when he tries to corral his team/siblings.I’m an eldest sibling myself; I know how hard it can be to be a leader/the loneresponsible individual in the room; and I’m just an ordinary person, I can’timagine even once sending my sibs up against people who wanted to kill them,let alone night after night.

Following up that bit about leadership: I feel Leo reallyslipped as the seasons went on, and stopped being a leader, and becamesomething alike to a dictator instead. If it weren’t shit writing in actuality,I’d say the blame of this lies with his very understated PTSD, post his Shredder wounds/three month coma. Like,he was maybe sixteen when thathappened. He faced down someone not even his father could defeat, all on hisown, and was nearly killed for it. That alone would’ve fucked him up, but itgets better. When he wakes up, he’s essentially an invalid because of hisbroken leg, and he probably didn’t even recognize his own voice. Leo had a massive amount of damage done to him,enough that his body had to shut down for three months to recover, and his dadafterwards says “it’s all just in your head.”

Like

What the actual fuck.

Leo couldn’t walk more than two feet without crutches, hadhis voice/throat damaged irreparably, was very likely suffering through a slowbreak down because he lost his dad, his city, and any sense of normalcy he hadin, all in a single fucking day, and then slept for three fucking months right after that,leaving his team/family on their own with no leadership or guidance and thushaving failed them in that sense, and was having god only knows how many nightmaresabout the whole experience-

And Splinter tells him to mystical ninja it all better.

Honestly, a big part of Leo’s current characterizationprobably stems from that. The fact that he had none of the support adult war veterans get for much lessthan what he went through, let alone as a sixteenyear old boy who literally almostdied at the hands of his worst nightmare, and the most he gets from his dadis the advice to just get over it. That’s the start of a really fucking bad coping mechanism for Leo, which is essentially“if I don’t think/mention it ever again, it didn’t happen” and a shit ton ofrepression/careful editing of his emotions/thoughts. From there, in my opinion,his coping mechanisms spread to the rest of his life, and inevitably, hisleadership. Leo lost total control of his life in a single day, and then had toactively fight his body and mind for months afterwards to get it back; solutionto not wanting to experience that loss of control again is to control everythinghe possibly can. Including his family.

I love Leo, but he has done a lot of shitty things since hewoke up from that coma. Particularly to Donnie, who has been the one bearingthe brunt of the family’s steady decline in functionality. Repeatedly, Leo hasguilt Donnie into following what Leo wantshim to do, whether it’s by proxying their father’s teachings or by holdingDonnie emotionally hostage. The scene that best displays this is when Donnieadmits that he’s unsure if it’s actually possible to cure Karai’s mutation, andLeo reacts by saying “You know how muchthis means to master Splinter” in a very obvious move of emotionalblackmail. Donnie gets a moment ofscreen time to snap back that yeah, he does know, and he’s been working his assoff for months because of that, and what has Leo been doing during all that?-but that moment is disregarded completely afterwards, and the buddingconfrontation between them is sidelined once again.

This sort of interaction is largely with Donnie, but Leo usessimilar tactics on the rest of his siblings. And while I really wish hewouldn’t, since Donnie is already under enormous pressure to keep theirhome appliances/weapons stock/vehicles/everyone’s general health in perfect working order, andMikey’s got his own set of issues stemming from how he’s treated by literally everybody,and Raph really doesn’t need extrafuel to his unhealthy coping mechanisms- I do see that it’s a product of Leostruggling and struggling badly, andnot receiving the support he needs. I’ll repeat again: sixteen year old boy, nearly died, told to just get over a major injuryand his PTSD.

And, to top this all off, very recently and right before hekicked the metaphorical bucket, Splinter removed the basis of Leo’s whole self.Leo wasn’t ever chosen to be a leader because he would be good at it, or hadpotential for it, or even just because he’s the eldest brother-

No, it’s because he was destinedfor it, and there was nothing Leo could have done that would have changedthat fact. In his father’s eyes, at least.

Like, his dad is about to die for the third time- which is a whole other thing of emotional fuckage forhis kids as a whole- and he leaves one last shitty piece of knowledge tofurther fuck Leo up. It’s not like the years and years of training Leo did wasactually worth anything, it’s not like his hours of agonizing over battletactics and moral choices were actually meaningful, it’s not like he didn’t puthis heart, mind, and soul into being the best possible leader he could be. No,he was destined to be a leader, andnone of that effort meant anything in the long run. (And this unspokenly excuses every shitty choice Leo has ever made when he was struggling as a leader, because if he was destined to be the perfect leader, how could any of his choices be the wrong one?)

And then to even furtherscrew with his heavily traumatized son, Splinter tells Leo he’s the Sensei now. He gives Leo, who is already abusing hisauthority in an attempt to hold himself and his life together, total andcomplete rule of his siblings and their clan. And then he dies, leaving a maybe eighteen year old in charge of hisentire family, who are all dealing with their own traumas and issues just asmuch as Leo is.

Forgive me for repeating myself, but what the actual fuck.

For one thing, eighteen year old’s are typically hardpressed to take care of themselves,let alone their younger siblings. Leo isn’t even a good leader anymore, howdoes Splinter expect him to manage being a masteron top of all that? (And that’s not even getting into the yucky feeling powerhierarchy that installs into an already lopsided relationship he’s got with hisbrothers.) (Or how literally none of the boys are anywhere near the level of a master ninja and Splinter is a bold faced liarfor saying they are.)

Ratdad kind of really fucked up with that one. Kind ofreally fucked up with a lot of things, regarding his kids. (And I have my ownsection of headcanons for as to why Splinter devolved into such a shittyfather, but that’s for another post.) And all those fuckups have created a veryunstable teenager who’s barely kept himself standing through tragedy aftertragedy by using coping mechanisms that’re just fucking him up worse. (And godonly knows how the Golden Child complex Leo’s gotten from his years of specialtreatment is holding up under all this. I’ve seen it happen in real life;telling a kid they’re super special and inherently better than others fucks them up as theyget older. Splinter might not have actually ever called Leo those things, butLeo was very obviously given more attention and care than his brothers; he isthe favorite son, and everyone knows it. Even Leo. Especially Leo.)

(I have another big section of personal opinions regardingLeo and canon, about the Golden Child complex and similar issues, having to dowith the super shitty and really very abusive relationships he’s grown to have withthe b-team, and to an extent, Raph. Raph is included in that section, as wellas master Splinter, as abusers/neglecters, but I’ll save that, again, foranother post.)

To round it all up, my general headcanons and analysis forLeo right now are quite dark and pitiable. Underneath all that though, I know he’s still a good kid. He’s just areally fucked up kid who never got to sit down and talk about the shit he wentthrough, and is probably holding himself together by the skin of his teeth atthis point. (His dad, dead three times over; his entire family, ostracized pariahsof society and totally dependent on his leadership; hisemotional/mental/physical wellbeing, fucked to hell and back; my feelings aboutthis, please save this kid from himself.)

Leo’s not a bad kid, in truth. He’s just one that had ashitty dad and an even shittier hand in life. He only ever wanted to be thehero, to do good by his role as an eldest brother and leader, and he wentthrough hell because of that, and his father’s inability to just step up andfinish what he started. The true fault of Leo’s struggle to be a good leaderand brother lies with his father, and it’s the biggest reason of my pity forhim. Bad kids aren’t ever born as that; it’s a learned behavior from theirmentors. (Ratdad and Captain Ryan were reallybad role models; Leo you should’ve gotten better ones than them.)

To be frank: Leo is a highly traumatized and fucked upteenager with no support whatsoever, and I’m sad to have seen Season 1 Leosuffer through being Season 2 Leo, and to have steadily become Season 5 Leo. Someone getthis kid some therapy and better role models, and a restraining order from hisbrothers until he sorts his shit out.

Also: Thank you anon for asking me this. This was a good rant to get out.

[indiependentpanda-blog]

My dropping out of high school

I dropped out of high school. What did you do with your life? When I dropped out of high school it was in February of 2015, my senior year. Yes, it was a stupid choice, especially because it was my last and I fucking regret it (but more on that later). For the few months that I was supposed to be in school (the rest of that February-May) I just bummed around the house. Doing nothing all day, except for the occasional cleaning and yeah it was fucking awesome. I had a sense of freedom, no responsibilities, and no connection to the social world beyond my laptop of course. When did you regret it? When I decided to drop out I dropped a majority of my friends as well and it wasn’t like we were lifetime friends, I had only transferred to the school the year before so it wasn’t so much of a let down and the friends I had at my last school I had already dropped and went through the process of mourning the few that I actually did admire. The only friend I kept was the only one I stood in a friendship with the longest, like ever only now its beginning to fade too. For the time that I was out of school I spent some days with this friend and at first I thought it was awesome seeing her out of class and all but I began to miss the small talks we’d have here in there in the halls and complaining about the assignments our teachers would give us and blah, blah, blah. It had gone to the point that the only thing we had in common was a show that kept us together (Supernatural) and even that couldn’t hold onto us long enough. We still talk here and there and I admit a lot of it was my lack of effort and my work schedule, but still, it’s really sad to think about and I know I could pick up the phone shoot her a text even give her a call? But a lot has changed in the 2 years we’ve managed to keep this up and the conversations are quick and short lived. I wonder, what would have happened if I had stayed in school? Would we have gotten that apartment we always wanted? I know she could financially keep her end of the bargain, but I wouldn’t have been able to and I could never go through with it and put her in a situation like that and leave us with a shit ton of debt and stress. I think the friendship we had over the 2 year span of it was the best and I’m glad I didn’t take the offer on the apartment because our friendship would most likely have ended much sooner. How did you manage to take care of yourself? As for no responsibilities, a time came when I had to take care of myself hygienically and financially. I was running out the basics; shampoo, condish, that very special hair oil that my hair really loves, makeup, and all that jazz. With that, I had no phone, my mom had cut me off (she could only provide so much) and we had no internet and I was tired of going to the library and having the librarians wonder when my sibs and I would finally leave. So, early May of 2015, I went job searching and let me tell you, it was HARD. When one goes job searching the first thing they do is look for their dream job or something closely related and with benefits. I applied to Hot Topic, Sephora, Forever 21, Rue 21, you name it…, and got shut down or never received a call, most likely because I lacked experience… references… and a diploma. For that month I was so stressed out to the point of pulling my hair out, crying out of frustration, and not eating. My mom, dad, cousins, aunts, uncles referred me to many places and I applied and got turned down. I had problems with depression throughout my life, but this was one of the worst times. I was so strung out that as I kept applying to places I sort of half assed it and pulled myself through application after application just blindly, emotionless, and refusing to give myself hope. There were times where I wouldn’t even bother answering the phone not caring whether it was from family or an actual employer. I’d just lie in bed and watch the phone ring sometimes, automatically assuming the outcome. I didn’t want to hear another rejection. I was so over it and cursed myself as to how stupid I was to give up on school when I was so close when things like this wouldn’t be so much of a problem. Yes, I know some people don’t get employed straight away after they finish school, but it opens doors for you! In my case, I completely shut and locked many of those. It was in June when I had finally got my big break and it was a damn lucky one. My cousin a high school sophomore had gotten a job at this one company that needed tons of people. I applied many times hoping they’d call or something and a week I would apply again. Finally after a few weeks I had gotten an email of a sort of open house at the company office. The day of, I got really scared and I was almost not going to show up, but I thought what would my grandpa say, what would he say to me now? (He had passed and was always telling me what I should do in situations like this, school…, life in general) I mustered up all the strength I had and took his spirit with me for luck and I was very blessed that day to get the job. I now have 1 ½ at this job and I sincerely love it. It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I can say it’s better than anything I could have imagined. I’m surrounded by so many hard working people, I’m blessed to say I have many friends who care about me and to be able to see and experience the things I do at work. I thank my grandpa and God for all the strength and blessings they gave me that day. Still, I cannot ever shake that experience away. The pain and suffering that I put myself through, in the long run, leaving school wasn’t worth it. How does not graduating affect your everyday life? It is now January 19, 2017; work is really slow during the winter and for some months in the spring. At this time of year, having another job would be helpful, but again I run into the same problems. No one calls. Now I have to rely on my income taxes for the next few months. That’s just one of the things that having no diploma has affected. When you work, go out, or do anything associated with socializing you meet many people who are goal oriented, on a path to a greater future, and generally in a better place… even though sometimes they run into mishaps, in the long run what they are working towards will generate a better living for them in some way or another. This is the kind of struggling I want. I know, sounds weird. I want to be a person who complains about essays and homework. I want to talk about how mean or nice my professor is, how much money my books are, and whatnot. I miss school! I want to go to go to college. I want to relate to my work colleagues, my friends, my family. I want to progress. I want to open a shop, start a business, or be a teacher. Anything beyond where I now sit. I want to open doors again and move my life towards something greater. I always wanted to go to Toronto but never have the money to do it. I want to get another job, while keeping the same one if I can. I want to be more than financially stable and I don’t mean a billionaire. I want my own apartment (still living with my parents by the way!). I just want to grow up the way I should have. It was a long and hard road that I decided to take and not even half has been mentioned here. The way I think of it now that I look back at it is why the hell did I do this to myself? These days, I have to really budget myself. I pay my bills and if you want to have a good credit standing you’ll keep these bills up even if you have to forge over food, entertainment, & luxury items (the oil that my hair fucking loves). There’s a lot leaving school affects and it’s not even the leaving school part that does it. It’s that you can’t progress from there. You’re stuck and only you can decide when you want to be unstuck. Why did you decide to leave school in the first place? As mentioned, before leaving my second high school, I attended another. At this other one, I made really stupid choices. I was a freshman hopped up on the idea of being super cool and having lots of friends. I was easily manipulated and I would even convince myself to do things. I was a scene kid (emo-punk rocker type with teased colored hair and raccoon makeup, still miss this style) it was a super popular thing then. I smoke, drank, went to parties, dated bad guys, pierced my own body once. It was stupid. Being this way, and I’m not saying that the makeup or hair or style in general brought upon this “attitude” like some ignorant people might think, but the drinking and smoking depressed a lot, mostly because I would remember things about my childhood that normally I wouldn’t have remembered and when this would happen id get really bad anxiety and… its kind of hard to explain but it was like having to be at a certain point in time again and it brought up a lot of emotions in me. I recalled abuse, neglect, among other things that I don’t like to remember or even talk about and this fucked me up so bad because things like this were also being brought into my house and it did not only affect me anymore but my sisters too?! I took on this bravado for them and fought for them so they wouldn’t go through what I had gone through. It was the kind of company my parents and aunts and uncles (and even family!) that brought these kind of issues. When my sisters told me what my uncle and all these other people were trying to do to them or already did to them. It was more than I could handle. I never thought through all the fighting and all the protecting that this would happen to them. I felt like I had failed them. When my parents found out they dismissed it, telling me that our uncle and their friends would never do that, that they’ve known them for years and they called my sisters delusional much like my case. I couldn’t deal with this. I confronted these people violently feeling anger towards myself for letting it happen, to my parents, to these filthy assholes that call themselves men. I also felt pain recalling a similar time, being a failure to my sisters, and imagining how scared they must have been to have this happen to them. It’s so heartbreaking to think about. Anyway, my mom checked me and one of my sisters into the hospital calling us out of control, spoiled, and crazy. I spent a few months of my sophomore year like this. It helped a lot being confined in there though. The first month I thought about my sisters. I was scared for them but they came to visit me as often as they could and let me know how things were going and all that. Long story short, we learned a lot about ourselves and I have learned to control my drinking and smoking. I now drink only during occasion and that a few time a year and I haven’t smoked for a year. So it’s better than those years back. After all this went down I had transferred schools. I had problems with my mental state so yeah I was a weird one at the new school, but I was slowly making progress. Everything was going really good until I lost my grandpa around Christmas time and my birthday December 2013. My mental state plummeted. I lost someone who had kept me going. My attendance and health were getting worse throughout 2014. My grades managed to float decently somehow. Losing my grandpa definitely hurt, but it was mid senior year that was tough. College applications were stressful. I got accepted into 3 of 4 of the schools I applied to. All of them out of state. I really needed to get out of the environment my mom and her boyfriend put me and my sibs through (and don’t say I’m being ungrateful because you don’t know the half of it and I’m not even going to go in depth because what they put me and my sibs and they’re newborn baby boys through was a ton of shit) I needed to get away and work on myself and come back to my siblings successful and able to get them out of that hell hole. When the time came to choose my school my mom didn’t give me a choice I couldn’t go anywhere. She made that clear with her threats and bullshit. I couldn’t just leave my siblings with them. So that made me severely depressed that I could help if I was gone and came back but leaving them would mean neglecting them so I made the choice to stay and take care of them. My leaving and coming back would have been a much better decision for all of us. I regret it now. At the time I never had a job. I hoped she would help me pay for school even local, while I myself looked for a job, but she also made that clear that she wouldn’t. So frustrated and tired of everything I just decided to quit on my life and my future and everything along with it. I quit school, stopped eating, I just lied in bed everyday and watched my life slowly turn into more shit. I regret choosing the difficult journey but what is there to do now about that? I have to move on and make things better for myself and for my siblings. What are you going to do now? Now? I am ready to be unstuck. I have yet to earned my diploma or equivalent, but have now scheduled testing dates for the two weeks in February coming up. I want to make this year worthwhile. I want to go to school, gain more work experience, gain more financial stability, and work towards my goals. I want to make my dream trip to Toronto a reality. I want to be there financially for my siblings and for myself. I want that apartment. I want a car. I want to be successful. I want a future for myself, my future partner, and my future kids. I want to feel alive again. I will take all my strength and blessings and put my all into these testing dates and into every day I have to make myself better. I am 21 years old and hope to see this when I’m 30 and have already achieved so much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please, if you are thinking of dropping out. Please don’t. Things are changing and if you don’t do this you’ll fall behind. Don’t let yourself be left behind. You’ll thank yourself for getting through that milestone and nothing will take that moment away from you. You will feel proud, empowered, and will have made an achievement.