#and man the stuff within the brackets is hard to talk about

[give-soup-please]

What about narrator and a reader who doesn't exactly have the good kind of parents. Also like narrator being like a parental figure to the reader ( idk I just find the scenario of narrator protecting the reader from bad parents kinda wholesome )

Narrator With a Reader Who Has Bad Parents

The narrator isn’t exactly sure when it happened, but he’s started thinking of you as his own kid. 

Depending on your age, he’ll either walk you to school and back home again, or keep you company as you commute to work.

He’s always keeping a benevolent eye out, wanting to make sure you stay safe.  

As for you, his presence in your life was a little hard to get used to, given that your biological parents were… Yeah, less said, the better. 

You love him, that much is clear, but the feeling of being safe with someone is difficult to comprehend, given your background.

He’s always picking up the pieces that your parents break. 

You show your biological parents your latest achievements, and you’re ignored. The narrator says, “I’m very proud of you for what you’ve done.” You start to tear up. “I don’t remember the last time someone’s told me that.” He rubs your back and comforts you to the best of his ability. “It’s alright, reader, it’s alright. I’ll tell you as many times as you need.” 

You want to spend time with your biological parents. Why, the narrator can’t understand. When you get rebuffed, the narrator spends time with you instead. “Come on sport, let’s get some ice cream and you can tell me about your day.”

You’re so full of doubt, because they never reassure you. The narrator does his best to make up for the lack in your life. “Things will be fine. You and I, we’ll write your story together, hmm? I’m an excellent storyteller, you know. We can create something wonderful. What do you say?”  

You curl in bed, your parents having mistreated you really badly one night, and though he isn’t visible, he’s combing his fingers through your hair, trying to provide comfort. On the inside though, he’s boiling with rage.

How dare your biological parents not see what a treasure of a child you were. Of course, he’d never call you that directly, he has standards! (and is too embarrassed to admit how fatherly he felt towards you)

The narrator begins to form various plans. He begins finding resources in case you ever need to make a run for it one day. Homeless shelters, cheap hotels, couch crashing, anything he can get his hands on.

He doesn’t know what the long term effects of staying with your parents will be, but he doesn’t want you to be in pain. In the meantime…

The narrator strikes back against your parents in little ways, becoming their personal poltergeist. Objects begin to float, important things are misplaced, and whispers angrily to them when they’re asleep. Your parents don’t sleep well at night anymore. 

If the abuse escalated, the narrator would step in. One of your parents gets really close to your face, too close, and they’re about to do something horrible-

“Get away from my child.” His voice is like venomous steel, and your biological parent is startled. “Who said that?” They look around wildly. The narrator speaks again. “They are under my protection. Get out.” Your bio parent flees your bedroom.

You’re shaking and crying. The narrator wraps himself around you protectively. “Are you alright?” He asks, and you’re not sure. He stays by your side all night. 

The narrator doesn’t know whether or not he made a mistake, speaking out like that. Plans to get you out may have to be sped up. But he holds you close, and silently vows that you’ll never go through something like this alone again.

(writer here. I left my parent's place when I was 20 years old. There were emergency circumstances that propelled me out the door. I've been in a few different transitional housing programs. Things are more settled for me now, though I still move around a lot. I don't know who sent this, but I can dedicate a message to everyone who reads this: Document what they're doing, you may need proof someday. Start googling. Look for local resources. Create contingency plans. Hit up your local library if you can, they're a surprisingly excellent resource for food and shelter programs. If you've got a safe place to live, then please donate to those types of programs if you can afford it. (but also do some research because it's very hit or miss for the clients inside the program) Circumstances were difficult for a very long time after I left, but it ended up saving my life. One day, i'll tell the full story about what happened.)

[misrepresentedmorallygrey]

PROPAGANDA

The Darkling

Okay so this guy is the main bad guy of the series. He made “the fold” this barren wasteland of darkness and monsters dividing the land, causing like hundreds of thousands of people to die. He killed his mom. He psychologically manipulated his girlfriend (like, he caused her to hallucinate and a whole bunch of other crazy stuff). He made one of his followers (a young girl) use her body to slowly poison the king over time. He started a cult. He did a LOT of crazy stuff. However, we do see his backstory of him as a kid, and learn that he did all this in the name of equality, so people would stop torturing and killing the ‘grisha’ or the witches/magic users. Later, he fakes his own death and starts a cult worshipping him and acts as the leader of the cult, going by his old name Aleksander. He is a very complicated character. So tell my why everyone thirsts after him and is like “he did nothing wrong” HELLO?! He is NOT your poor little meow meow he is complies please please don’t sanitize him.

Mikoto Kayano

Mikoto is really kind and friendly, he gives people nicknames, and he tries to talk to everyone. He cares about his little sister and his mom; he doesn't want to worry anyone and will hide when he's really stressed out and try to act like everything is fine. He just laughs and hopes everything will work out. He overworks himself and thinks that he needs to keep working, even after he's already pushing himself too hard. He doesn't remember killing anyone and he's in MILGRAM because of it and he got voted to not be forgiven in the first trial which is making his stress worse.

Mikoto's characterization within the fandom is either sexy man or baby who couod never hurt a fly. Despite that in his introductory voice drama he folds a fifteen year old for several minutes abd the fact that he's now in a mystical prisoner for definitely committing murder. Like the entire premise of the series is contingent upon everyone who is in it killing a person. Mikoto has dissociative identity disorder the fandom uses this to basically go normal Mikoto the one Milgram arrested (the prison that can look into people's minds by the way) is the good one. He hates violence and I'd just a silly little office worker but the other one I'd the literal devil. An evil man who likes violence and just hates people real antisocial. The fandom is so bad at understanding moral ambiguity and dissociative identity disorder that despite his songs being called MeMe, Double, a line in the second song being literally "Just the two of us" and one of the creators puting out a statement after the seconds songs release saying "I wonder what will happen to the two Mikoto's now"- A good majority of fans have convinced themselves there is a third very normal and chill alter (because they seperate them by emotional states like this is fucking inside out for some reason) who is just a guy and consistently state Mikoto will be bad representation if there are only two. It's to the point that a good deal of the fanbase are fans of this character and not actually Mikoto. Only using his actual character for ship fodder to fuel their switch fetish. I don't know if it's not understanding moral ambiguity, just not knowing how to fucking read, or hating a minority of people simply based on how a dissociative disorder presents in them which is apparently a bias that the dissociative identity disorder community has had for a long time i.e treating people more poorly based on alter count but whatever it is I believe it's enough to qualify him for this.

[jq37]

The Case File – Mice and Murder Ep 2

The Case of the Dismal Dinner

Summary

Welcome back to our flashback/Tisch fight already in progress where we learn what Daisy and Sly’s shared look was about while Rekha and Grant go for the proverbial jugular emotionally. It’s 12 years ago and Sylvester is tracking down a stolen diadem, the very same diadem that he sees Daisy swipe off the thief who has it (a jackal named Roscoe McCoy in case that matters). Sly swipes it back from her and, when she notices, she sniffs it down to his train car where he is sitting in the dark, waiting for her. He doesn’t turn the lights on, opting instead to dramatically strike a match to light his pipe, illuminating himself sitting in a big chair, holding the stolen item.

Daisy tries to bluff like she’s Virginia Chase, the owner of the diadem, but Sly knows that’s not true because he was hired by the real Virginia to track it down. Daisy is usually a better liar than this but she is insta-smitten by this figurative and literal fox and it’s throwing her off her game. But before they can continue their little tete-a-tete, they hear a gunshot ring out from Daisy’s room and know Roscoe and his guys are coming after her. Sly stuffs Daisy in a trunk before the boys show up and they actually seem a little impressed to meet him, him being a famous detective and all, but a Nat 1 deception means they hear Daisy being huffy in the chest and a fight/escape scene that Brennan takes over narration for ensues. 

After that, Sly and Daisy become close really quickly and partners in both senses of the word. Daisy tells him she’s an American PI and they work together on cases, travel the world, and become engaged within the year. But, the day before the wedding, when Sly is alone, he discovers all the documentation proving that Daisy lied about who she is, is actually a criminal, and has been using their partnership to sell information to other criminals.

She shows up and tries to pretend like she’s being set up but he replies, “You being duped is the only lie you’ve told I can’t believe.” He says that being with her changed him. He didn’t think he had it in him to actually love another person. He forgives her. He still wants to get married. Daisy is thrown by this reaction. She tells him she’s not gonna change for him and he might as well leave her. She’s being all unapologetic femme fatale about it but he gets the sense that under her bravado she’s low key pleading with him to give up on her. He doesn’t want to. He can’t. He still shows up the next day in his wedding tux. Daisy is nowhere to be seen. When he goes home, there’s a deerstalker cap on his porch and a note that just reads “-D”.

And we snap back to the present where Daisy is trying to figure out if she can take advantage of Lucretia’s fascination with the occult and all the rich vulnerable people present to make some money. Meanwhile, Sly has been totally rocked by seeing Daisy and is drowning his sorrows at the bar with Ollie, the otter bartender. Squire Badger (which is what I’ll be calling William) shows up and, in not so many words, threatens Sly for having not solved the case and making a fool of him. He says, “You’re not gonna rub my nose in this.” Move your nose then bitch, says Sly on a dirty 20 intimidation check. He’s sad about girl problems, not you! Squire Badger is scared off, but he looks like he knows something that Sly doesn’t. That someone is coming for him. 

Buckster (and Ian too btw) clocked the above conversation and sidles up to Sly at the bar. See, not only does Buckster know about Sly and Daisy’s history, he knew it was happening *while* it was happening. Sly used up all his cool swagger on the Squire so by the time Buckster shows up he’s a whole mess over Daisy. Buckster starts implying that maybe they can help each other out since they both dislike the Squire and with Sly’s Nat 20 Insight, they can totally clock each other’s double meanings perfectly. It’s a very cool game thing where Sly and Buckster are having an innocuous conversation about the weather or whatever but Grant and Sam are just saying what they mean. It’s like they’re having a telepathic conversation. Sly agrees that the enemy of his enemy is his friend and he’ll go along with Buck’s plans as long as he can keep his hands clean, even if he doesn’t really care for Buck himself. 

At the same time Gangie is in the kitchens getting fed (see the notes for a full list of kitchen staffers and other NPCs) and after the staff leaves, Gangie is told by Ambrose Harding (the Squire’s turtle valet) that there’s is business for him to attend to after dinner. 

Buckster talks to Lawrence Longfoot--the rabbit photographer from last ep who we learn runs a trash newspaper. He and Buck bond over being trash and he gets a pic of Sly and Buck together. 

Vicar Ian goes to talk to the Squire and basically tries to (openly) suss out whether the money was a bribe or a setup or what? Like, people are fully there (including the Lady Fawnbrook and her gossipy cat wife Tabitha). They snipe at each other a bit and then the Squire reveals that he’s talked him up to the Cardinal and the Cardinal agreed that he’s such a good vicar, he should be moved to Siberia. The decision has already been made and Ian doesn’t have the pull in the church to do anything about it. Yikes. 

Before dinner, the rat butler catches Buck and asks if he has time to talk to Squire Badger. Buck agrees to go with him and he’s taken to the billiards room where the Squire is along with Harding and James Hawkins, Squire’s Hawk war buddy (a literal war hawk). Buck immediately puts his foot in his mouth by messing up the Squire’s title with his American ignorance of British peerage rules which annoys him, the elitism of it all. The Squire’s friends leave and then Buck starts talking about PR and how this whole situation has been bad PR for the Squire and it would be a shame if his PR got even worse. The suggestion of blackmail sends the Squire into a full honey badger don’t care style rage and he knocks TF out of Buck, flips the pool table, and then catches himself and scurries off. Daisy, Sly, and Gangie all hear this conversation from their positions in the house via the pipes running through the manor. Buck picks himself up and, on a 25, realizes that two of the mouse maids were hiding behind a curtain, hearing the whole thing (specifically, Edwina Thimble and Carolyn Dickory--oh like hickory dickory doc, BRENNAN) . They were playing hooky so he flips them a coin each and they all agree that no one saw or heard anything. “Two blind mice, see how they run,” he quips as they leave (sidenote, what a morbid nursery rhyme to exist in that world--to be fair, it’s pretty morbid as is).

Lucretia decides to turn the séance into a post dinner séance but still brings Daisy and Lars to see her occult room which is full of crap from, as Rekha said, “1800s Party City”. Lucretia does a hilariously vague read on Daisy and says that there’s something happening with her involving a man she knew or maybe still knows but she’s in her feelings about Sly so it kinda shakes her up. She tries to get Lucretia to charge for her “””incredible gift””” (so she can skim off the top of course) but Lucretia thinks it would be a misuse of her ~talents~. She does give Daisy an incredibly broad as to be useless even if magic exists blessing before she leaves. 

Once she does, Daisy scopes out the room (which she realizes must have been retrofitted for Lucretia and wasn’t previously a séance room) and sees that the one thing in the room that doesn’t really match the aesthetic is a giant portrait of one of the previous squire badgers. On a 24 she notices two things: (1) the painting has recently been restored with new paint and (2) the frame is bolted to the wall. She wants to check it out but Lars is right there so she makes a note to check it out later and leaves. 

Lars, being a very ride or die friend for Sly, bounds after her and basically calls her trash and tries to tempt her with garbage so she’ll lose composure and start chowing down. She drools at the sight but keeps it together and leaves. Lars runs off to tell Sly that they were a good good dog and gives him a full play by play. 

Gangie meanwhile is watching a small argument between the butler and Harding in the servant’s quarters hallway and he realizes that he’s being talked about in veiled language. The butler is questioning Gangie’s employment and Harding says that, as servants, they shouldn’t question their master and that Gangie is employed for reasons that Squire Badger is aware of and reasons he is not. Hmm. Gangie realizes that Harding knows about his past which is weird because Gangie’s criminal record doesn’t follow him. There’s no internet. So what reason would this guy have to know about him?

Gangie doesn’t like this and decides to dip and steal some silverware on the way out. Mrs. Molesley (who I’ll be calling Mrs. M from now on) helps him (lol I’m not entirely sure if she didn’t know what he was doing or if she’s just down with stealing) and says that she’s been working there since Squire Badger was in diapers (she was his nanny) and if anyone bullies Gangie, she’ll take care of them. She also offers to make him a sweater so he doesn’t get cold and she’s just so nice that Gangie has to say yes. He looks to make sure no one is around and gives her a dandelion he picked. Cute!!!

And now it’s time for dinner and our very first box of doom roll for the most terrifying encounter of all: how close you have to sit next to your bitter ex! This is of course for Sly and Daisy with higher than a 15 meaning they don’t have to sit next to each other and anything lower meaning they have to sit pretty close. It is the first BOD roll I’ve ever wanted them to fail (mmm, except maybe Adaine’s werewolf roll but that’s a different conversation). 

It’s in the 6-10 bracket which means they’re sitting across from each other (below that would have been them next to each other). Everyone is seated based on how on Squire Badger’s shitlist they are. So you have Ian at the absolute back. Sly to his right and Daisy on his left. The Buckster and Lars to the right and left after that. Then Armond (armadillo lawyer guy) and a snail guy because Brennan is a madman who cannot be stopped. Constance (Squire’s daughter) makes a toast to her dad wishing him well even though they haven’t always seen eye to eye (hmmm).

Buckster fills in Daisy on his confrontation with the Squire quietly enough that no one else hears. Daisy then turns to Sly and says she hopes they can be civil. Sly is like, “Sure Ms. DUMPSTER.” They’re the kind of exes who know exactly how to hurt each other but are also super open to being hurt. Emotional glass cannons is how Brennan describes it. 

Buckster is given a note by Harding from Squire Badger and, once dinner is over, he takes Daisy off to the side to read it. Gangie follows, unseen. Ian, who recently prayed to God and got not super clear results goes to talk to Luecretia to see if maybe ghosts can help him instead. She is, as usual, not super helpful but does rush out to get her very necessary ritual dagger and declares to everyone that if anyone sees a ghost they have to tell her. As she says this, there is a flash of lightning and, through the window, Sylvester sees just for a moment the form of his nemesis, Fletcher Cottonbotton (who is by the docks).

Anyway, Buckster reads the note. It’s a document from the Squire selling his interest in BB Industries (Buck’s oil company) to Hazel Hogswallop who is another small shareholder in BB Industries. But, in doing so, it names Josiah Jackrabbit (one of his competitors) her proxy which means he’ll be able to vote on things (and with a lot of power with all that stock).  The contract was written in fresh ink which means (1) it was probably written after their fight and (2) hasn’t been mailed yet (I smell a heist attempt). Buck rolls insight on the writing (mastermind rogue ability) and with a 27 senses that the Squire has gone off his rocker. This isn’t going to make him any money. Josiah doesn’t have enough liquid cash to pay him what this is worth. And the thing with Hazel would have taken time to set up. This has been in the works for a while and he’s been sitting on it until the time was right. And he senses, like Sly and Gangie did earlier, that someone besides the Squire is pulling the strings. 

Then Gangie suddenly hears Constance’s distressed voice through the pipes from upstairs: “Father you’re possessed! You’re a mad man! This will never work. Speak of this to me never again.” And she slams the door (Buck, Daisy, and Gangie all hear). Constance comes downstairs and Squire Badger follows, looking upset. Mrs. M checks in on him too see if he’s eaten and he kind of gruffly has her follow him (along with Mr. Harding) into the drawing room.

There is a scream. Something drops. Silence. Footsteps. A door opens. Then a voice, “My God!”

Everyone rolls initiative. Ian moves first and, upon hearing all the commotion, gathers everyone together to go towards the sound (interesting choice but sure). Daisy recognizes that the scream heard was Mrs. M but barely knows who she is. She goes towards the commotion anyway. Gangie also goes towards the scream. Buckster grabs his gun (well he says “weapon”, but it’s gotta be a gun, right?) and makes like he’s following her but actually hides. Lars and Sylvester go towards the scream. 

With everyone gathered, Ambrose opens the door. Inside they see Mrs. M, her hands covered in blood (my guess? From trying to stop the bleeding), kneeling on the ground over the dead body of the Squire. The room is a mess and stuff is scattered everywhere. There is a bloody knife in the Squire’s hand and a stab wound over his heart. Ms. M, who is distressed as hell, says there was something wrong with him. There was a flash, and she looked down and he was stabbing himself. Everyone thinks this is suspicious as hell. She was the only one in the room. Everyone looks to Sly, the famous detective who is not in the presence of a murder case in progress. What does Sly say? “Lady Lucretia. I’ve seen a ghost.”

Case Notes

I have to acknowledge how ON FIRE Grant was this episode. Like everyone was. Buck was great with the Squire. Daisy and Lars sniping at each other was fun. But man Grant had so many good lines. The “move your nose”. The heartbreak with Daisy (ugh, so sad!) And that blackout line!!! I am biased towards foxes as you can see from my avatar so I am very here for this great fox rep.

Based on the way their staredown went last ep I kinda thought Daisy was the wronged party but ugh. Slyyyyyyy. He forgave herrrrrrr. And he still went to the alter. Daisy how you could youuuuuuu?

Also, sigh, Fox and the Hound. I keep getting hit with these after the fact. 

I loved Rekha’s “Of the Chase Sapphire’s?” improv.

That racoon/mink line was so sleazy. Weird compliment but Brennan is good at being animal-racist. Sidenote, Daisy makes a comment about being careful being a fox in England which I presume is a ref to fox hunting and like the implication of that are como se dice troubling. 

Here are all the new NPCs for this ep and here’s a full NPC guide that also includes the list of names Gangie gave Buck which Buck shares with Daisy this ep.

And on that topic I can’t get over the concept of a married couple named Millie Molton and Mollie Milton. Like, did they get married solely for the bit???

The best Ian-ism of the ep was him talking about getting rejected from Siberia. Poor guy.

Fave OOC moment was everyone at the table getting aggressively patriotic in response to the Squire being dismissive to Buck. There is nothing funnier than someone singing a purposefully overwrought version of I’m Proud to Be An American. 

“It’s 2020 for us bitch!”

The moment Mrs. M said she was gonna make Gangie a sweater I was scared for her. Sweaters take a long time to get made. I was like oh no. The plot is gonna stop you from making that sweater isn’t it. I’m willing to be proven wrong (Brennan loves his maids with secrets, see: Cathilda) but she seems super sweet and if anything happens to her I’m going to be upset. 

What’s behind the painting Brennan. I know there’s a door. I know this house is full of secret tunnels and revolving bookshelves and all that. Let me see it!

One great little moment was when there was a flash of lightning and the minis for Sly and Lars like stop motion moved to look at it. Just great attention to detail. The work that gets put into this show is incredible.

Edit: A note I forgot to mention. There’s gotta be a secret door in the room where it happened, right? Like, creep in, flash of light to mess up her vision, do some shenanigans, peace out.

[draven-imani]

Journal 5 (part 1)

We’ve had an…extremely productive day. We found a note on Hosilla’s person that detailed three safehouses of the cult of Baphomet: Nyserian Manor, Topaz Solutions, and the Tower of Estrod. The note was signed SV—which I’m assuming is Stauton Vhagn. Looks like he came back and finished the job of destroying the Wardstone after Commander Tirabade stopped him the first time.

After talking to Aravashnial, Anevia, and Horgus, we pooled our information together. Nyserian Manor was owned by a noble who sometimes worked with Horgus, and had taken out a loan from him once to buy Commander Tirabade’s sword from her. Anevia hadn’t been aware Irabeth had sold her sword—apparently she’d told her wife she’d lost it. Anevia was going to be having words with the commander of the Eagle Watch upon seeing her again.

The Tower of Estrod was of interest to Aravashnial, as it was a place of arcane studies. He also requested that we look into the Blackwing Library, where the Riftwardens would be located.

Anevia wanted to look for Irabeth, and therefore would like to look into going home as that was the only lead she had on where her wife may be.

As we discussed, we exited the subterranean tunnels and entered the sewers. And came upon three orphan kids and a middle aged pinkish tiefling woman with many piercings and a bow. The orphans immediately ran to Luna, clearly familiar with her. Another point in her favor for ‘good person, not a murderer/serial killer/whatever else the rumor mill decides to say’.

“So you must be ‘Una’,” the tiefling said, imitating the orphans mispronunciation of her name. Or maybe legitimately mistaking her name for that. “Nice to meet you, incase you haven’t noticed, everything’s gone to hell.”

The tiefling introduced herself as Hiskaria. She had arrived in town from Numeria recently to join the Raven Corps, actually, although she was apparently a Kenabres native initially. She was on lone by one ‘Kevoth-Kul’, because she was a criminal on parole, and joining the Raven Corps was her penance.

Ouch.

Aaaaaand as the only member of the Raven Corps around that means it fell on me to keep her around until we could either find her handler or someone with more authority. That and strength in numbers. We couldn’t exactly leave her behind, even if she is a confessed murderer.

Oh, yeah, I didn’t mention that her crime was murder did I? Yeah, our new buddy’s a convicted murderer. One fake murderer and one real one, and if I had to put money on it, everyone’s going to get who’s who wrong.

After some discussion, we decided to head for Horgus’ manor first. It would provide a safe place to leave the orphans, so that we wouldn’t be dragging them around in the open where every demon still lurking around might decide to swoop down on them.

We made it there with only minor incident, some rat demon ripping up a clothing store who dubbed himself ‘the rat king’. He was of personal offense to Melody given that he was in the process of destroying things of beauty. That and the owners of the shop were still there and might be able to salvage some things.

Given my studies I was able to identify the demon as an Abrikandilu, a wrecker demon. A destroyer of beauty, not just of artwork like the dresses, but of physical beauty, using their fangs to cause horrible scarring on those they attack. I also knew that Radiance was the only weapon we had that would pierce its defenses, although it also had a unique weakness to mirrors, due to all demons of this kind having an abhorrence of their own visage. That being the case, I suggested that Luna and Melody slip into the store to get one of the mirrors from the changing rooms within while I distracted and fought it with Radiance and Hiskaria took pot shots at it from a safe distance.

Radiance and I were both more than happy to finally be putting a demon to the blade.

Spilling demons’ blood, at least, we both agree on.

Things went off about how we’d hoped. The Abrikandilu was a bit faster than I’d anticipated and it rushed me rather than me pinning it by the building as I’d planned, but I stopped its fangs with my shield and avoided any new scars. Melody and Luna came out with a mirror, which drew the demon’s attention. Luna’s axe stuck into it. Then Radiance slew it.

Radiance roared in my head each time it drew blood against a demonic foe, in what I can only describe as ecstasy. They, at least, get joy from battle. I wish I could say the same, but the demons die all the same. I feel good about it, that we slayed the demon and helped those people. It’s something good. Not joy, that’s too strong of a word. I feel—satisfied, maybe?

Regardless, the shop owners thanked us. They had little to offer and we tried to assure them that we didn’t need anything, but they insisted on at least providing us with a nice outfit each in thanks. I don’t think I’ve ever owned anything so fine. An orphan and a soldier don’t exactly make for elegant living.

Afterwards we made it to Horgus’ manor with no further incidents. His holdings were untouched. Melody mused at first that perhaps someone was trying to frame him. However after some thought, Hiskaria and I disagreed with that assessment. Demons by nature would seek out where the most people are, the places where they could wreak the most havoc. And as we approached it was clear that his manor was devoid of life. It would seem that his men and his servants had fled their posts when the attack happened, and as a lucky result the manor had been untouched. I’ll give Horgus some credit here. While he was clearly visibly upset that the men he’d hired to protect his holdings had left their posts, he tried very hard to be reasonable that it was for the best that they’d left and protected the servants, and that it had indirectly kept the demons from destroying his things. He was however very upset that they’d taken all of the mints from the little bowl at the front entrance—as was Miss Melody, who bemoaned that it was quite rude of them. Ah what I would give to have her priorities.

Luna was shepherding the orphans—one of whom, Hamm, had taken a shine to Hiskaria’s magic and gotten it into his head that he was going to…what was it? Summon demons in his snot bubbles? Charming kid. Glad his entire world falling apart around him didn’t completely destroy his sense of innocence and wonder. Suppose he was lucky he ran into Hiskaria so the three of them didn’t get killed or worse. That’s a point in her favor.

After gathering up food from the kitchen and some entertainment for the kids from a room formerly used for the staff’s children while they were on the job, Horgus went down to the safest part of the manor: the vault. He opened the safe, which proved to have been completed untouched. Inside was more wealth than I’d probably ever seen in one place before, or ever will again. He paid Luna that looked like a rather hefty sum. Then he also paid myself, Melody, and Hiskaria 1000 gold for returning him here safely, although payment had never been promised. Hiskaria tried to argue that she’d only just joined with us, but he said that it was payment due to someone who couldn’t be here to take their cut.

Horgus…is a complicated man, I am beginning to realize. I cannot pin him down yet. Even more than most people, his words and actions do not align. And even some of his actions I think are more masks on top of that. Luna insists he’s a good man but won’t give details beyond that. She’s had a few private conversations with him, so I’m inclined to believe she knows something that’s given her that impression. And I trust Luna’s judgement in people.

As Horgus locked himself away, we heard the beginnings of him teaching the kids something or another about some…math thing. I don’t know, look, I’m not the one to look to about Abadar tax bracket stuff. Luna was just glad he was hopefully keeping Hamm from thinking about snot demons.

From there we went next door, to Nyserian Manor. Or what was left of it. Which was not much. At all. Or anything, really. See, the demons hadn’t been very discerning in their building demolition. They’d destroyed their own safehouse. Idiots. Served anyone who was inside right for betraying humanity to the demons.

Next up was Blackwing Library.

Oh Blackwing Library. This one made me angry.

If you know me you know that’s bad. Of course, you don’t know me, because you’re just a bundle of inanimate papers sandwiched in leather that I’m writing in to keep my tenuous grip on sanity together. Suffice to say: that’s bad. I don’t get angry easily. Unless you’re a Deskari worshipper or waving his symbol in my face like I’m a bull, but I mean, that’s just asking for trouble from any Iomedaen, really.

As we approached the library, it was immediately apparent that the entire thing had been decimated. Aravashnial was despondent. All of his friends and colleagues with the Riftwardens would have been there, and he feared the worst. While Melody and surprisingly Hiskaria tried to comfort him, Luna tried to sneak closer to look into the library. I stuck close to her, although not so close as to blow her cover.

What she saw was a turncoat Iomedaen with five librarians bound and gagged, and a sixth librarian being forced to pile books around them, to serve as both a book burning and a funeral pyre.

We didn’t have long to think as he pulled out the flint and tinder. Luna downed a potion of invisibility and vanished. We had to put our faith in her. And as usual, she didn’t let us down, as a moment later blood splattered across the floor and she reappeared behind the armored man with her hood up and a declaration that she was “the Butcher of Balestreet, Bitch”.

The cavalier’s two tiefling thugs tried to flank Luna, but I helped fight off one and Hiskaria finished them with a potshot from outside the door that got him right between the eyes, while Melody swooped in to take a stab at the other.

Luna clearly outmatched the man she was facing, and he was smart enough to realize it. He dropped his weapons, and offered to surrender. He swore if we let him go, he’d never do such a thing again.

The others seemed ready to let their guards down.

I didn’t buy it.

I could feel it. This was an evil man. The kind who would just turn around and do something like this again the second he had an opportunity, if we let him live.

Luna lowered her weapon to go deal with the tiefling thug. I told her what I just wrote, that if we let him go he would just harm others. She said it wasn’t going to be her choice to make.

If anyone was making this choice, it was going to be me, and me alone.

Melody tried to reason that maybe we could get some information out of him. That we could take him alive, and question him. After all, that’s what she was best at.

And then what, I asked her. What do we do with him after that? There weren’t any jails. The city was in chaos. Where do we put him when we’re done questioning him so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else?

He swore again that he’d just go away and be good. I called bullshit.

Melody said maybe he’d know more about the safehouses, or the other plans. What we’d potentially be walking into.

Fine. For the safety of the rest of the group, I’d take him alive.

So I punched the cocky bastard in the face and left him to Melody.

Hiskaria and Luna went about helping the librarians while Melody did her thing. She manacled the man and tied him up for a nice friendly chat. I stuck around. I didn’t trust this man. Kaleb, I learned his name was. Much good it did.

Melody woke him up. First thing he did was tried to play ignorant. Tried to pretend like he’d been possessed, like he hadn’t been in control of his own faculties before.

Bullshit. More lies.

Melody saw through his lies this time just as much as I had. She told him to start over and try again.

Next he tried to weave a sob story about how he’d been coerced into doing what he’d done. How he was a crusader who’s unit had been taken captive, and he’d been forced into committing evil acts out of desperation.

Again, nothing but lies. All he knew how to do was lie, habitually, spew whatever falsehood he thought would get him in our good graces.

When Melody and I called him out on it again, he snapped. In a final act of rebellious desperation, he finally told the truth. He’s nothing but scum of the earth. He was a crusader, and his unit had been wiped out, that was the one honest thing that had left this mouth. Afterwards he’d decided to hedge his bets and side with the demons, so he started committing every atrocity he could to try to win their favor. And he swore that when he died and went to the pits of the Abyss to be reborn he’d come back.

And flay us alive.

Bad choice of words.

I think the bull metaphor before was apt, because I certainly saw red for a moment. I don’t think anyone was in disagreement when I stabbed Radiance through his blackened heart at this point though.

We didn’t learn anything though. Except that he wasn’t a cultist. Just a psychopath who found an excuse to start killing people.

As we discussed our next course of action, the librarian we’d rescued approached us. He knew that Aravashnial was with the Riftwardens, and he knew what had happened to them. The Riftwardens after locking what they could in their vault had teleported to a different location, meaning Aravashnial’s friends were safely somewhere else. Unfortunately, a day later someone else arrived. Xanthir Vang. Another of Deskari’s generals. A worm that walks, a terrible creature that is both a swarm and one being bound to Deskari’s will. Xanthir cut through the floor, right above where the vault would be in the secret Riftwarden floors below, and lifted the entire vault from the floor. Then he ripped it apart like it was nothing. He seemed disappointed that the Riftwardens weren’t there—predictably, I suppose, since he had a personal grudge against them.

We found a single dead and dried up worm husk in a corner of the room. I don’t like this. It’s probably my imagination that my arm itches. Probably. Another of Deskari’s generals so close. That’s…terrifying.

With this information tucked away, we decided to head for Anevia’s home to look for clues of where Commander Tirabade may be. Mostly to make sure her wife was safe, and to inform her of everything we’d found out thus far, and a little tiny bit to ask her about that sword she’d apparently sold behind her back.

On the way, we were accosted by a skeletal demon from atop a building, who also called himself the rat king. He claimed the one we’d defeated before was a usurper, and then summoned a swarm of dire rats to attack us. We dealt with the dire rats handily enough. They took a few chomps at me, annoying little things. Between rats and lizards, do I just taste good or something?

Nope, just licked my hand to test it, I’m quite certain I do not taste good.

We arrived to a small unassuming house. Irabeth’s funds clearly went to things other than worldly possessions. Not that it was a bad house. I’m not trying to be judgmental of Irabeth Tirabade I’m just saying with her position most people would have much larger quarters, so she clearly puts hers to good use elsewhere. I’m not one to judge small living quarters, I live in the barracks. Which probably are in ruins now. Ah, well. Not like I had anything of sentimental value in there anyways. My fiddle, my sword, and my shield were on my person, those were the only things I might have cried over losing. And then my sword got forcefully replaced by a talkative holy blade anyways.

I wish I could say Radiance is growing on me like Horgus. Unfortunately, we got off an extremely wrong foot and they haven’t exactly tried to mend any bridges. Luna says I should be more assertive with them, since I’m the only one who can wield them, they need me to do their holy mission they want. And Radiance even agreed with her, because of course they did.

Figures. A guy tries to be nice to the holy sword who he’ll have to be working with for the foreseeable future and apparently even trying to just not make waves with the being you’ll have to work with talking in your head is the wrong move.

Fine…assertive. What do they want me to do, put Radiance in time out in their little box when they get uppity? That is a funny image though.

I’ve completely lost my train of thought.

Right, reread a few paragraphs, Anevia’s house. So, Luna and Melody took a peek inside to make sure nothing was lurking around inside.

Predictably, something was lurking around inside.

He was invisible, but when Melody began using detect evil he ‘pinged’, so she had an idea of where the invisible presence was. The invisible presence summoned a fire beetle outside to attack Anevia, but Hiskaria turned and shot it dead before it got a chance.

Melody and Luna had a good idea where the invisible foe was, and began to force him back into a corner, although their swings of axe and glaive kept hitting nothing but air.

I came in, and I swear to you Iomedae guided Radiance’s blade. Not only did I strike true, from the amount of red that splattered across the ground, I’m certain I hit something vital. That, and I made him very angry. The next thing I saw was an enraged orc, whose invisibility faded away as a blast of fire was released from his hand point blank in my face. Too familiar. Far too familiar. And then darkness.

And then I was awake again, Melody tipping one of my potions into my mouth. Luna had bloodied the orc, but he’d refused to go down in his blind frenzy. Then Hiskaria had stepped in and finished the job.

I proceeded to heal myself a little more thoroughly while the ladies talked to Anevia about what just happened.

Huh, now that Aravashnial and Horgus are gone I am the only guy in the little group of ours, aren’t I?

The prettiest guy in our group by default as well, not that that’s saying much.

Anevia recognized the orc, he was someone who Irabeth had stopped from some previous scheme years back, who she’d left out in the world alive. Apparently, he came back for revenge. He won’t be getting a third chance.

With that settled and no more assassins lurking about, Anevia went to her and Irabeth’s bedroom and opened a secret compartment. Inside she read a note and took out some supplies. She told us that Commander Tirabade and the other remaining Crusaders were hiding out at the Defender’s Heart tavern, and the passcode to get in was “Silverstrong”.

We decided to go straight there, as it was closer than any of the safehouses, and allies were still more useful than victories at the moment.

I was especially feeling that way when that damn skeleton ‘rat king’ showed up again, and threw a flock of vultures at us. Most of which decided to descend upon me. I know vultures are a bad omen but come on, that’s too on the nose even for me. What’s worse? Do you know what’s worse? What’s even worse than vultures? Fiend vultures. These things could smite. I had, no joke, five buzzards smiting me like a bunch of feathery antipaladins.

Just my cursed luck again. Why does Desna hate me?

So, yeah. I was hurting. And really wanting some rest. While everyone else was ready and raring to go for two more safehouses after we finished meeting with the Commander. I finished healing myself again and I was almost tapped out of spells, and completely out of potions. My fervor was wearing thin as well. Luna was all well and good, she didn’t use spells. Hiskaria was fine, she mostly only used her cantrips to empower her bow to fire twice—a neat trick that didn’t really cost her anything. Melody had used one judgement and some spells but she was just fine and equally ready to go.

Ever the weak link.

Eh, no point thinking like that, right? Plenty more happened after that. We arrived to Defender’s Heart and gave them the passcode. They came out to meet us, initially excited to see Anevia.

Then they saw Luna, still with her hood up in her Butcher guise from our fight earlier.

Oops.

We tried to explain that this wasn’t what it looked like. That she wasn’t actually a murderer. That the rumors and stories and reports were wrong. Anevia tried to back us up. Luna took off her hood, and pointed out that she drank one of the two of them under the table at this very tavern just a few days prior, and no one got hurt. Despite our best efforts, tensions were raising. The guards were going for their weapons, and we were surrounded. The paladins were throwing accusations, and no one was listening to our words, they were only hearing what they believed to be true.

Then a strong hand came down on both of the guards’ shoulders. A voice spoke, and told them that maybe sometime they should try actually using the gift Iomedae grants them to detect evil.

Irabeth Tirabade stood behind the two guards, in the flesh, as…everything as I ever would have imagined. Tall, proud, honorable, noble.

The guards scrambled to cast the detect spells, and predictably found that Luna was not evil. They were puzzled but relaxed somewhat. Then jumped and went for their weapons again when they looked in Hiskaria’s direction.

The Commander told them that it was alright, and held up some papers, saying all the paperwork was in order for Hiskaria.

It looked like she was officially Raven Corps now.

Commander Tirabade picked up Anevia and carried her inside, and asked the four of us to follow. She got to quarters where she could lay Anevia down, then turned to me.

And the conversation went something like this.

“Acting Captain of the Raven Corps,” she said.

I was flabbergasted for a moment then realized she had to be talking to me because there was literally no one else she could be talking to. “Me?”

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 99

Here we have the aftermath of the Warlord Bowl. 

Here, we finally... FINALLY get to see Jokul as a person and not a far-off mysterious bad guy. Consciously, there was never any intent to compare Jokul to people who don’t understand how politics work: @zommbiebro​ isn’t even American, for one thing, and therefore neither is Jokul. However, reading it on the last pass before posting, I realized how it could be taken.

The part that isn’t relevant to the chapter: While I didn’t mean that comparison, please make sure you vote in any local elections available to you, if it doesn’t risk your life. No matter how much you feel your vote doesn’t matter, it does. If everyone who didn’t vote decided to do so, it would change the world.

In my own country, I’ll be taking time off work - because I have that ability - and taking local people to polls that ordinarily would be inaccessible to them within their district.

Back to the chapter relevant stuff: Thank you to @zommbiebro​ for giving me such a good character to play with, @charlylimph-blog​ for reading to ensure entertainment, and @baelpenrose​ for beta reading in every way that entails.

After a quick dinner at the first mess we came across - and true to my promise, I didn’t cook anything - Arthur, Antoine and I reconvened with Jokul in my office. As agreed, he brought only two of his own people, who sat on either side of him in a mirror to how I was bracketed by my own friends.

Unfortunately, they entered as I was mulling out loud the possibility of making hot pot for family dinner one night.  Even less fortunately, the ginger who I had thrown in the gym was one of the people who walked through my door while I was debating the logistics of meat versus vegetarian options.

“She doesn’t even take us seriously!” the nasal voice complained, interrupting me.

Simultaneously, several things happened. I opened my mouth to retort, Arthur put a hand over my mouth, Antoine pushed my shoulder back into the chair.

And Jokul spoke up.

“We agreed to meet with them if Farro beat me in combat.  He did, we are here, and there will be no further argument on the matter.” If anything, he sounded weary rather than angry. “She did not even request that we cease acting against her, only that we meet as equals. It is the least we can do.”

I didn’t even know forehead cramps were a thing until I gave myself one with the speed of my eyes widening. Slowly, Arthur lowered his hand so I could speak. “Right,” I coughed. “So, there are a few things I want to know.”

“Such as?” 

“Why am I your target?” I blurted out. Of everything, this was the one that was weighing heaviest on me. I felt if I could understand that, I would know how to tackle the rest. 

To my frustration, he fucking shrugged. “You are emblematic of everything that will destroy our chance at a new start,” he stated calmly, like he was telling me his name.

I sputtered before regaining my composure. “How? How am I doing something badly?”

“You only want to consolidate power, rule over the masses!” the red-haired toady honked at me.

The overblown statement and Jokul’s subsequent glare at his own man was a level of ridiculous I couldn’t handle at that moment.  Laughing ruefully, I wiped away a tear that warned me I was close to hysterical. “I don’t want to rule over anyone, dude.  If I had my preference, I would only decide what I want to eat once or twice  a week for the rest of my life.”

“But you rule over the Council,” Jokul pointed out in a confused tone.

“I don’t rule anyone, buddy. I am on the Council largely against my will, and mostly because no one else who is qualified even wants my job. Trust me, I’ve tried.” Gods had I tried.

His next statement was significantly less confident. “But you took the reins of power…”

“I am a glorified event coordinator and human resources officer. I have a staff of exactly two. One is my sister, who has been in her role longer than I’ve been in mine and only listens to me when it’s convenient. The other is my assistant, who is British as hell and listens to me on about equal level with my cat.”

“The Baconists! Your assistant was part of that rebellion! You must have known and hidden it from our hosts!” I had to give him some begrudging credit. Even he didn’t sound like he believed his own words, and if the smug look from Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber on either side of him was anything to go by, that wasn’t his own theory.

Time to set the record straight, it seemed. “Okay, quick reminder: that bitch tried to kill me,” I enunciated carefully, leaning forward as I spoke.  “She nearly succeeded. That wasn’t a cover up, it was her realizing that I talk to myself in the shower and listening long enough to hear me think through what was going on. As far as hiding her intent from our hosts… You’re only half right. Miys doesn’t read minds, contrary to what people think, they only read intent. That nutjob really did think she was doing the best thing for the universe by wiping humanity off the proverbial map. Nothing for Miys to pick up, she actually had what she thought were good intentions.”

“You have built yourself to be this legendary hero -”

“I didn’t build myself to be jack. Effing. Shit. If I had my preference, I would give you my position, and open a restaurant that does cooking classes.” When he opened his mouth to interject, I held up a hand to stop him. “Miys likes me because I talk to myself, even in my head, and so badly that they can still hear what I am saying when I don’t move my lips. I only survived being attacked by a crazy person because I treat the person who saved me like, you know, a person? Make sure he’s okay, give him his space when he wants it, sass him back when he wants to be sassy. It was just sheer, dumb luck, and I’m not even sure it was good luck, because voila!” I flung my hands wide at the current situation, forcing both Arthur and Antoine to duck. A quick glance at Antoine only rendered one of his eloquent shrugs. Must be handling the situation okay if he doesn’t think I need help.

I was less concerned with Arthur’s opinion, not because I didn’t care, but because I knew he would jump in when he felt it was needed, without prompting or permission.

“So you do not want to rule over us all?” Jokul asked carefully.

“I don’t even want to top one of my boyfriends consistently.”

“Sophia!” Antoine hissed with a miserable expression, while Arthur burst into a coughing fit. I wasn’t sure if the latter was trying to cover a laugh of choking. 

Jokul, on the other hand, seemed to take that at face value  “Then why are you in power? Explain that.”

With a heavy sigh, I tried again. “I’m not in power. Decisions are voted on by the Council. If someone brings me an idea for a class, or an architectural project, or a medical possibility, I pass it off to the Councilor who handles that and let it go from there.” Emphatically, I pointed at my own face. “Again, glorified events coordinator and HR.”

“And yet, you have your pet warlord sitting beside you. Explain that away,”Tweedledumb - the brunette on Jokul’s other side - accused.

I whipped my head to look at the subject of that statement before looking back across the table. “Arthur?” I asked, jerking a thumb in his general direction. “You do realize he’s a teacher first, right? Warlord out of need, but that ‘need’ was protecting the students in his history class when everything went to shit? Don’t get me wrong, we butted heads like you would not believe when we first met in person. But we realized halfway through what looked to be one hell of an argument that we knew each other for - fuck, like, a decade? Maybe less? - before the End. I didn’t ‘win him over.’ We just realized we’ve always been friends.” With a shrug I glanced back at Arthur, who also shrugged before nodding.

“Too convenient, Councilor.” Tweedledumb gloated. “You just happened to be friends with someone who - “

“Oh for FUCK’s sake!” Annnnd there it was.  Someone had reached his limit for diplomacy and stupidity. “We met on a fanfiction site writing a crossover of two of the worst pieces of science fiction ever written and mutually infected each other! FUCK!” Crossing his arms, he started muttering to himself. “Not like finding someone to kick your asses is hard…”

After a glare at the darker-haired idiot, and with an expression that looked like he was entirely regretting his choice of people for this meeting, Jokul schooled his features before addressing me directly. “Fanfiction?” he asked in a skeptical tone.

And the dirty truth comes out, I thought with another sigh. “StarDoc and Warhammer 40K, okay? It was fun, no fandom to cheese off, nothing smutty. Just… fun.” When the nostalgia threatened to overtake me, I shook my head vigorously. “The point is, we knew each other for years Before the world went to shit, and only realized when one of my friends landed in his class and there was a data error.  I don’t even like violence.” Antoine gave me a skeptical look so I clarified. “Usually.”

“And yet you are a combatant!” Jokul stated with certainty, clearly on more familiar ground.

Angrily, I scowled at Tweedle-the-ginger before leaning forward to look into Jokul’s eyes. “Look. I don’t know how it was in Canada, with your mooses and shit, but I really, really want to know: Do you honestly believe that anyone who got through the After did it without learning how to defend themselves? Even more, that any woman who made it, didn’t learn to fight dirty?”

“Not if you know how to have people defend you - “ Jokul tried before I cut him off.

“They don’t defend me because I’m helpless, let’s be clear. They defend me because I will only fight back if I know my life is on the line. But, on the same page, I will protect my friends and family from anything, without reserve, and die for them. No hesitation.” With a deep breath, I sat back rather than jumping over the table.  “I have my flaws, and my sister will tell you the biggest among those is that I trust too easily.  I assume the best in, literally, everyone.”

“Except smartass teacher, apparently,” Arthur said in a fake cough that fooled exactly nobody.

After making a face at my friend, I turned back to the moose in the room. “What that means is, I don’t try to defend myself until it is literally your life or mine. Or both. I don’t really care at that point, because I assume I’m not going to make it. I just want the person I’m fighting to go down with me.” Trying to imitate Charly’s most savage grin, I put on a forced-cheerful tone. “Now, tell me, Jokul. Who would rather have faced in that fight, knowing that?”

His eyes darted between Arthur and myself as he swallowed hard, mulling the implications of that. “You would kill and die for your friends’ safety and health, even if you would only protect yourself at the last moment?” Here, he scoffed. “There is nothing exceptional or even special about that. Many who were in power in the After felt the same.”

“Except I don’t want power,” I repeated in a tone that I previously reserved only for small children. “I just told you that.” In the corners of my eyes, I saw both of my friends nodding so hard I was concerned for their spines.

Before I could try to reason with Jokul any more, Arthur jumped in. “If you’re both done arguing righteousness, let me explain a few things. Jokull. First off, Soph actually doesn’t want to rule, or be on the Council. She told you this. She’s also bitched about it to me, her sister, and anyone else who will listen, at length. On top of being too trusting, her biggest flaw is actually an impulsivity problem, in general. But she’s not an autocrat.” As he gestured, I saw his eyes glaze over, his voice taking on a serene tone that was entirely too familiar. “If Soph was a real autocrat, she’d have let us have our little duel armed, with my sword and - I presume you’d have had an ax? Maybe a broadsword? You look like a broadsword guy... any rate.”

“However,” he continued, leaning forward with a thoughtful expression, like he was puzzling something out. “she made me promise not to kill you. Think about that. After you’ve been nothing but a headache and a threat to her and her family for months, she makes me promise not to kill you. I wanted to, you know.” The wistful sigh that accompanied that statement was entirely unnecessary and I was certain he only did it to irritate me.  “I wanted to kill you and have your lifeless corpse thrown out of the airlock like trash, not because of the Council, not because your Viking gimmick wears out in a hurry, but because you made the mistake of threatening a friend, then slapping a student. I had no idea if you were actually going to seriously harm any of them, and I didn’t care. The threat alone was enough to make me decide I wanted you dead.” Tapping his chin briefly, he pointed at Jokul without actually looking at him. “Because you were an unknown quantity, but no matter whether or not you were actually the threat you claimed to be, your corpse would be harmless.”

Arthur shrugged before looking Jokul in the face. “That’s how warlords handled things in the After, isn’t it? When someone threatened your people, or when someone threatened mine? I didn’t negotiate. I didn’t warn. I doubt you did, either. I took them at their word, and I did unto them first. And I’d bet you did the same. ‘Peace’ was what you called it when everyone who wanted to make war on you or your people was dead. That’s what the After taught me, that’s what it taught you.” After emphasizing his point by gesturing between the two of them, he shook his head.  “And that impulse, that set of lessons? That's not what humanity needs right now. Our skill set as leaders is not what humanity needs right now. If you want humanity to have a fresh start as you claim, drop the hostility, drop the self-righteousness, and actually try listening. Do you want a genuine peace with the Council?” Thoughtfully, he stroked the hilt of his sword where it laid across his lap. 

I knew it was the fondness of being reunited with a long lost limb, but Jokul didn’t know that. 

“Or a warlord’s peace with me?” In a creepy way, Arthur’s tone was downright perky. “I prefer a genuine one. A warlord’s idea of peace is one of the things I want to leave in the ashes of the After. That’s why it’s the Council who make the rules here - not warlords.”

With an alarmed expression, Jokul very slowly glanced at me. “Did he just threaten to kill me and shove me out an airlock?”

“No, he’s pouting because I wouldn’t let him do that,” I answered honestly.  The topic had come up, for a solid fifteen seconds.  I was even reasonably sure Arthur had been joking.

“I don’t - “ Arthur started  indignantly before being cut off by Jokul.

“He makes a good point. Our skills as warlords are not what is needed in this new world. I let myself believe people who told me that the Council in general and you specifically wanted to hoard power and privilege over us, just like the people who led Earth to where it ended up.” He glanced nervously at Arthur, who was still stroking his sword, before forging ahead in a somewhat squeakier tone. “If someone who has had real power agrees that you and the Council are the best option, then I will at least try to see how that would work.”

Here, Antoine joined the conversation. “Militant strength and ruling by force aren’t the only forms of power. We do not want that sort of power over us anymore. The Council leads because the people on this ship largely want to follow them.  That is the kind of power no one can force.  It has to be earned.”

“But the Council still makes decisions without our will - “

Shaking my head, I angrily flicked open my datapad and shot a file to him like I was thumping off an insect. “No, Bjornson, we don’t.  I was elected to my position - without my knowledge, might I add - by the people I represent to the Council. Every decision we make, the people on this ship get a vote with the exception of an emergency like what happened on Level One.  There wasn’t time to have a vote on how to handle that.”

“Although, we have had a lot of emergencies lately, so I understand the confusion,” Arthur interjected.

Is this what hallucinations feel like? I wondered. There was no way in frozen hell Arthur just made a point in Jokul’s favor, but the calm, resigned look on his face told me that, at some point, he seemed to have made peace with having to treat Jokul Bjornson as a sentient being. I was going to pass out if I kept sighing, though. “Okay, true. But everything else - Insert Winter Holiday, the swimming area, the diving docks, food festivals, permanent low stimulation areas throughout the ship, Galactic Core education - those were voted on by the people on this ship, with an overwhelming majority in favor.”

“What about the alarms?” Jokul pointed to his own head for emphasis.

“Also voted on, believe it or not,” I confirmed. “ And most of the ship agreed that there was more benefit in not running into people who would react badly to unexpected touch than there was discomfort at the alarms going off.”

“I tested them myself, monsieur.” Antoine offered. “So I am well acquainted with the volume they are calibrated for, and I do not appreciate you disabling them.  My staff have had to work around the clock to treat the damage your people have caused to others on this ship, who are terrified to leave their quarters now.”

Jokul looked a bit guilty at that, as well as his entourage.  Looked like he hadn’t considered that. “Would you believe me if I told you that was originally an accident?” he admitted sheepishly.  “One of the engineers thought it would be funny to shock another one in the neck with a low level electrical current, right behind the ear.” He turned his head and pointed to a small burn scar in the same place. “It took days for them to notice that the proximity alarm didn’t work anymore.”

To my shock, Antoine started swearing angrily in French, so fast even the translator couldn’t keep up. “Sophia, if I find out Charly Harper is the cause of this…”

Jokul shook his head vigorously. “I can assure you it was not Miss Harper.” His focus slid over to me, eyes wide.

Either this motherfucker just lied to keep Charly out of trouble, or she really was innocent.

“That explains why Derek and Zach couldn’t figure out how they did it,” Arthur pointed out. “You can’t hack into something that’s shorted out.”

Jokul spoke up again. “It also… may? Have caused some translation inconsistencies?”

“So the shock corrupted more files than just the alarms,” I stated in clarification.

“Several, in fact, yes…. Specifically signed languages and tonal languages.”

“That’s… that’s at least a third of the ship…” I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to sob in horror or laugh hysterically.

Jokul groaned before cradling his head in his hands. “I am aware, yes.”

<< Prev  Masterlist  Next >>

[kingofdirtandnothing]

@polyfacetious big ass Christmas Drabble Extravagaza: Day Five

There’s flour dusted all the way up to Diego’s elbows, splattered across the front of his black shirt. There’s even hints of white against Klaus’ cheekbones and the soft fanned edges of his short hair. 

Tortillas were a mess even when you knew what you were doing. When you had a guy in there with you who was enthusiastic but not the most kitchen oriented, it made things kind of a disaster. A fun, flour dusted one but still a disaster. 

“We need the right-” Feel. But Diego can feel the word sticking in the back of his throat. So he does the only other thing he can think of. He grabs Klaus by the hand and jams his hand down into the dough they were working on. 

Tortillas were deceptively simple, especially flour ones. All you needed was flour, a little salt, a little water and some kind of fat. Diego had scoured recipes on the internet while he was waiting to hear back on his loan for this place, and he must have tried a dozen of them. Vegetable oil. Butter. But none of them came close to the way his mom used to make them. With lard. 

So Diego made them with lard. The trick with the lard though, was trying to figure out just when you had the right consistency to get the dough where you needed it to be, for the tortilla press. And even if Diego could have words falling off of his tongue without any chance of stuttering, he was still pretty sure he wouldn’t have the words for this. 

But his mom, she didn’t even follow a recipe. All the cooking she did, she did with her senses. She used to tell him that all you needed to cook were your eyes and your nose and your ears. That it didn’t even matter what the ingredients were, if you knew how to listen to your nose and your heart, that you could make anything. And make it good, too. 

“Feel?” It takes effort to get that one word out, with Klaus’ long, bony fingers beneath his hand. Diego has to press his tongue against the roof of his mouth and work it out slow, the same way he was going to do with the dough. 

She used to tell him that too. That words could be just like food, if he thought about them hard enough. That sometimes, the special ones, they took care and time and work, just the way that good food did. 

Diego missed her like a fucking limb sometimes. But she was happy up in Maine, and despite the fact that he did not get it at all, she was happy as hell with her new husband. So Diego wasn’t going to cause her any trouble. Any more than he already had, at least. 

Klaus nods, and Diego can feel the thin press of his back against his own chest when he breathes outwards. It’s only then that he realizes he’s bracketed Klaus in between both of his arms, the metal mixing bowl on the table in front of him. 

Deep breath. Picture the word in your mind. Diego closes his eyes, and it’s easier to keep talking that way. 

“We don’t want it to feel like sand. Or quicksand. It needs to be tighter than that. Where you squeeze it in your hand and it leaves all the indentions against it. Like the handle of a knife.” It’s the only way he can think to picture the consistency of the dough they need. 

“It’s still too dry.” Diego can feel the dough clumping in between their almost laced fingers. He reaches past Klaus with the hand not in the mixing bowl and splashes a little water from a measuring cup into the bowl again. 

The wooden spoon is picked up left handed, not because Diego is left handed but because he don’t want to let go of where he’s got hold of Klaus’ hand. So he stirs it, slow and clumsy until the dough starts to come together. “Try again.”

This time, it’s Klaus who catches a handful of dough and gives it a squeeze. He opens his hand, palm up and in between them, a clump of white dough sitting right across his life line. (The only reason Diego knew anything about that kind of shit was because Klaus had a palmistry poster up in his shop.)

And there it was. The perfect consistency written into the edges of the dough, like parts of Klaus’ personality or his destiny or something had been imparted into the very dough himself. “Now we got to roll it into a ball.” For that to happen, Diego needed to get the hell out of Klaus’ space. But his feet weren’t going anywhere. 

Klaus looks back over his shoulder at him, and Diego could swear that he could count every fleck in those pretty green eyes. Or maybe every line on his lips. Did people read lips the way they read palms? Would he be able to count every indent, every crack in Klaus’ pretty mouth and know his history?

Diego? He hears his name distantly, like it’s coming through the depths of water or a couple of closed doors. Diego has to swallow before he turns his eyes back to the dough in Klaus’ hand. Plucking it from where it rests, Diego rolls it deftly into a ball between his flour dusted palms. This part was easy, at least. 

“Now we gotta flatten it out.” And now Diego had no more excuse to stand so close. He drops his arms and steps away from Klaus’ back, feeling the cool(er, it was still hot as hell in this tiny shop) air hit his chest in the place that Klaus just vacated. “You can do it by hand, but that shit takes too long.”

Diego points to the ancient, slightly rusted tortilla press that took of place of pride on the prep counter. It was his mom’s, sent on her insistence when he called to tell her that he got the loan for the place. 

She kept telling him that he could ask her new husband for the cash to start the place up. Apparently he was flush with it. But the last thing Diego wanted was to owe anybody money, least of all his brand new stepdad. So he sucked it up and went to the bank. And tried to tell himself that he wasn’t carrying the old man around in the back of his head like a safety net in case his shitty credit wasn’t enough to get him through. 

“We use the wax paper to keep it from sticking. It’s a pain in the ass when it sticks.” Diego points to two circles of wax paper, freshly cut from the industrial sized box of wax paper sitting on a shelf overhead. With the first circle down on the bottom of the tortilla press, the slapped the dough ball down on it, and then more carefully placed the second circle of wax paper on top. 

“You do the honors.” This was always his favorite part when he was a kid, and there’s something fucking dumb about how it makes his heart race to share this with Klaus. But Klaus wasn’t looking at him like he was dumb. Klaus was watching him with bright glass eyes and pink flushed wide across his cheeks. He was fucking beautiful. 

Klaus curls a hand against the lever, and with a sweet hesitance, he pulls the lever down, pressing the two metal plates together. Between them, the sheets of wax paper held everything together as the dough was pressed into an even, neat disc. 

“Nice. Good job.” Later, when it was all said and done, Diego would realize just how many words he got out without even thinking about stuttering. About just how fucking magic being in the kitchen with Klaus was. “Now we’re ready to cook.”

Almost. They were almost to the best part, and Diego could feel the anticipation starting to prickle at his scalp. Next to the flat top where he fried his meat and onions and peppers, there were two gas burners. This was where he blackened the chiles for his sauces, right on the flame. But for the moment, he had a big black cast iron skillet. 

Diego turns the flame down to low, watching the ring of blue cling close to the burner. “With cast iron, you gotta be patient. It takes a minute to come up to temp, but this shit runs hot. So you don’t want to rush it. Otherwise, you’re going to burn your stuff and you’ll have to start over.” It was better to do shit right the first time, then waste the time doing it over.

Another lesson from his mother, though her version was a lot more PG. She was a classy lady like that. Diego had never even heard her say a word like ‘crap’, let alone a real curse word in either language they both spoke at home.

Holding a hand out over the surface of the pan, Diego feels the heat like pressure up against his palm. Yeah, it was ready to go. He turns to Klaus, and is pleased that he doesn’t have to say anything. Klaus waits for Diego to pull his hand away and then he puts his own right near the bottom of the pan. Klaus even pulls it away with a playful hiss, blowing on his palm.

“So with a tortilla, you cook them straight on a hot, dry pan. No oil, no butter, no nothing. Bring me the wax paper.” Like a good sous chef, Klaus hurries over to the tortilla press, springing the lever open so that he can get a hand above and below the sheets of wax paper, carrying them over to Diego still trapped between his palms.

Klaus hands over the two discs of paper gently but with a flourish, like he was on the Price is Right or something, and Diego peels the top off, dropping that side down onto the pan with a sizzle. Once it’s settled, he peels the other piece of wax paper away. He drops them back on the counter to be used again. No reason to let that shit go to waste. 

“We’re looking for bubbles. That’s how we know to flip.” Sure enough, within a few seconds, Diego is able to point at where a bubble has swollen up on the surface of the tortilla. Klaus nods, hands carefully out of the way of the stove, though he was still leaning in close to get a better look at the action. Diego grabs a wooden spatula, flipping it over onto the other side. The fresh side of the tortilla hisses and sizzles when it makes contact with the hot pan. “Same on the other side. But we’re listening here. Smelling, too. You’ll know when it’s done. Watch.”

Diego waits out the tortilla, until he can smell the first singe of heat against the dough. He taps his nose, and Klaus lights up, delighted. I smell it! He’s so damn handsome that Diego thinks he might be dizzy because of it. Or maybe that was the heat of a kitchen used all day, and the leftover heat of the summer sun baked into the bricks of the building. Either one.

The tortilla is slid from the pan onto a waiting plate, a real one, actually from Diego’s apartment and not the paper shit he serves customers on. It was as fancy as he got. A pat of butter is smoothed across the freckled surface of the fluffy tortilla, leaving a golden sheen that he sprinkles with just a little salt. 

Diego hands the plate over to Klaus, his heart sitting high and fast in his chest like a hummingbird. He’s never cared so much about what somebody thought in his whole damn life. But now he needs to know.

“How is it?”

[cookiedoughmeagain]

Haven DVD Commentaries - 5.07: Nowhere Man

Commentary with Brian Millikin (writer for the episode) and Nick Parker (writer of the companion episode 5.08).

I love these two and their commentaries so much because they talk a LOT and they have many things to say. Which is awesome, if sometimes hard to capture in text, so this is a mixture of direct quotes and paraphrasing.[My comments in square brackets]

BM: It’s kind of a two-parter, these two episodes, maybe a little bit less than some of our other two-parters of the season. That was something we set out to do.

NP: Yeah, not to the same extent as 5.05 and 5.06, but there is a lot - the Trouble carries on through both episodes, and that was an edict we had going into the season.

BM: We really wanted there to be a hard ending to a couple stories in this episode, and in the next one. So, Audrey gets to a place at the end of this one, and so do Mara and Duke, and everyone else. And this is the first episode of the season where we have Audrey Parker back. I was excited to do this because last season I wrote the episode just like it - ‘The New Girl’ - it was one of my favourite ones I did. And it seemed like all episode long it was Lexie who had come out of the Barn, but in reality it was actually Audrey. But it was fun because it was kind of like a new pilot. And then this one is not like a pilot, it was much different because Audrey had been around - even though she wasn’t in control of her body she was there to witness what Mara was doing. Which was something I think we were really attracted to …

NP: I agree

BM: … the idea that she feels a certain culpability or responsibility because she was in the back seat watching what Mara was doing.

NP: She was there, inside.

BM: Yeah and it’s a stark contrast to what we’ve done before.

BM: So this scene [the opening scene with Audrey Nathan and Duke on the Rouge] we talked about all these different versions of starting right on the heels of the previous episode. As it is I think it’s maybe an hour later, two hours later. Which is a little bit weird if you think about it. It means that episode 7 and 8 really take place within …

NP: 5, 6, 7 and 8 all take place within about 12 hours.

BM: This entire season takes place over the course of about 3 days.

NP: Yep. And there were also several different versions of this opening scene where they’re discussing the split and what to do with Mara, and I remember one which was pretty interesting where we talked about it just being Nathan and Audrey having this conversation on their own, and Duke being separate from it.

BM: Yeah, but we kind of wanted it to be the three amigos here. And Emily did a great job of playing the, almost PTSD that she has a little bit; she’s been through hell. And we had a version of this too where a lot of the scene was about them testing to make sure that she was really Audrey. But that just felt kind of unnecessary; first of all we knew that she was really Audrey, and we felt like the audience would too. So we just flew past it and assumed that she is. And the most important thing for us was that they don’t know what happened at the end of the last episode, they’re just winging it.

[As Duke goes to see Mara in the hold] NP: I love that Duke just has basically a prison cell in his boat, like always ready to go.

BM: It’s the biggest hold of a boat I’ve ever seen. I think it’s wider than the boat itself, the actual boat, but it looks great.

NP: The hold of his boat is bigger than his bedroom.

BM: But I love the set, and more than that, I love the two of them in here. Remember from the very first day of the season we always knew we were going to get to this point right here; episode 7, half way through with Audrey and Mara split. And we kept it to something of a surprise, and I think a lot of people thought it was just going to be Mara all season long and then maybe in the season finale it would be Audrey, or that at some point maybe Audrey would claim her body back. But we had always wanted to have both; to have our cake and eat it too. And we just thought it was more interesting for the story that way.

NP: And I think we decided to develop it even more and push it even further because Emily is so, so good as Mara.

BM: Absolutely.

NP: We were like; we’re going to give her as much screen time as we can.

BM: I know we all expected her to be good as Mara - I mean she’s always great as Audrey, and she really brings something to Sarah and Lexie. So we expected her to be good - but I think she was even better than we had anticipated. We love her as Mara.

NP: Yeah, you can just see her having fun in the role. She’s enjoying getting to stretch her legs a little bit, and it shows.

BM: I think the other actors had fun with it too; enjoying playing off of her as Mara. I mean, how many times have Eric Balfour and Emily Rose been in the same room together, and now they’re in the same room together, but it’s not Audrey. It’s someone else entirely. In fact she’s closer to Hannibal Lecter than anything else. That was sort of the impetus for all this stuff with her in the hold of the boat; yes it’s easier to shoot [all in the one set], but alse we thought it was dramatically interesting to see what they would do with it. It makes sense to keep Mara prisoner, at least for now just to figure out what to do next, and then it’s like well; this is great, we’ve got Mara being held in prison on Duke’s boat and Duke has now become her jailer. And that interaction between the two of them gave us so much.

NP: Yeah and particularly with what they’re discussing in this scene with the unknowing of what the split means and how it works, whether Audrey is connected to Mara. Because it’s all uncharted territory.

BM: She said it right there [as Duke’s leaving]. That was the thing that was most interesting to me about it, was the idea that she’s a prisoner, but she is actually in control. Or at least that’s what she says; she claims to be holding all the cards and to know what’s going on. And whether she does or not doesn’t really matter, because they definitely don’t. And she might. So that power interplay was something that we haven’t been able to do in the show before, and when you get to the fifth season of a show I think you’re just looking for these interesting new things you can try.

NP: And because we’re in the fifth season now I think we get to live with the characters a lot more.

BM: Sure.

[As we see Audrey and Nathan in bed together] NP: This is probably a lot of fans favourite scene. We don’t get to see these two actually be together that much. Stuff’s always so crazy in Haven that they never really get to just be together in bed and be together as a couple.

BM: No, and it’s sad because here we’ve got an actual tender scene between Nathan and Audrey and guess what - work calls. Because it just does.

NP: Every time.

BM: They don’t get a lot of time to just hang out and be with each other.

NP: I like that line; “Case Face”.

BM: I think I took that from the fact that we always talk, here and on other shows too, about having Writer Face. When you’re off on script or an outline or working on an episode. You know, you still come in to have lunch with the other writers, or you’re still in the hallways and at the coffee machine, but you’re not really there.

NP: You’re basically a phantom.

BM: With this distant look in your eyes as you try to figure out … how are they going to get out of it in act four if they don’t have a gun … or whatever. We always call it Writer Face, so Case Face was from that. I think I ripped off, everybody.

NP: Yeah. And that’s fine. That’s what good writers do, right?

BM: But the other important thing in this scene - there were some versions where we had it in that first scene but that just felt like too much  - is Nathan revealing that he can’t feel her any more. Which leads him to believe (correctly) that she is no longer the same; she’s not immune to the Troubles any more. Something is different about her. And it’s such a big deal that we decided, I think correctly, to put it in this scene between the two of them. Because it’s big deal obviously, for the two of them. At the same time, he says it doesn’t matter to him and I think we all believed that. You know, what would it be like if when he realised he couldn’t feel her he wasn’t in love with her any more?

NP: Yeah, that was something we talked about a lot.

BM: As someone who can’t feel anyone- yes he could feel her and that might have been one of the things that maybe got him started

NP: Yeah.

BM: But it’s certainly not where he is now. Not any more.

NP: Yeah.

BM: And I think maybe it spoke highly of their relationship that he believes it doesn’t really matter. Although I do think that it matters to her.

NP: Of coure.

BM: But maybe less to him. And he’s also just got her back. I don’t think there’s any version where he wouldn’t have wanted to be with her anymore just because he couldn’t feel her.

NP: No, I agree. But this lack of immunity after living with it for so long, now finding out that she isn’t, it throws her off her game which I think is an interesting dynamic in this episode. She has to live in that reality. And he’s telling her it’s all fine, that they’re going to make it. But you can see her having some self doubt.

BM: Absolutely. And we liked the emotion of that and having to grapple with that because it was a way for them to express some of the … I guess the best word for it is still PTSD of what they’ve gone through with the Mara situation. What they’re still going through. Without it being all about that. It was a microcosm of the fact that they’re sort of pawns in a larger game that they’re not in control of necessarily.

NP: Yep. Oh there’s Kirsty.

BM: Yes, Kirsty Hinchcliffe, Lucas Bryant’s wife.

NP: Officer Rebecca Rafferty.

BM: Yeah. We wanted to put her in this scene because we very much wanted her to be in the next scene she shows up in. And she’s also super-useful here, along with this townperson they meet, in establishing that people aren’t necessarily warm to the idea of Audrey being back. After what they’ve been through with Mara. Mara killed a bunch of people, she was running around causing all kinds of problems, and for the people who are in the know (like Rafferty) even they are probably a little reluctant to necessarily throw their arms around Audrey and trust her again.

NP: Yeah and I think that’s something we’ve got to explore in the second half of season five, is that, so much crazy stuff happens in Haven, all the time. So what do people know and who knows what? We talk about it in the room all the time but it’s not fully explored, because we do so much with our characters. And it is something we got to do a little bit more [5b] because things got so crazy, is how people actually react to it and how do they talk to our characters about it.

BM: Yeah, it was kind of a point of emphasis coming into the season for Matt McGuinness and Gabrielle Stanton, our show runners, was to live in the reality just a little bit more and show how people would really react to some of this stuff. And having a lot of these two-parter episodes where the case of the week extends into the next episode, which allows us just a little bit more real estate to do that kind of thing.

NP: Yeah, just to live in it. This is the most lively farmers’ market.

BM: Absolutely. Not the first time we’ve seen this farmers’ market. We were here in episode, er, four of the first season; Consumed.

NP: Oh yeah. It is so crowded there.

[As Nathan talks to Reggies] BM: Ah, this is Dylan Taylor as Reggie. And we totally stole the name from True Detective which had aired a few months before we shot this episode.

NP: We are huge fans of True Detective.

BM: And we just needed to give some flavour, and a voice to the character, and so we thought, let’s write him a bit like Reggie Ledoux.

[Having never watched True Detective, I looked Reggie Ledoux up; the fandom.com wiki describes him as a “brutal and vile drug dealer” that manufactures meth for a violent criminal biker gang, and an “accomplice and right-hand man” of a serial-killer. Yikes.]

BM: So we called him Reggie and had always intended on changing it but the name had this kind of blue-collar gritty quality and that’s who the character was. Enough that we wrote in that he has a bit of a Southern drawl, or this back-water drawl.

NP: I think back water. He brought the Southern to it, it was nice.

BM: And he really went for it and it totally worked. But we got a call from set on the first day he was there - he’s a great actor, he’s done a load of stuff, he didn’t audition, he didn’t have to, we were lucky to get him - so he shows up and he’s doing this accent and we get a call from the Producer on set. And she’s saying; I don’t know if we have a problem, but Dylan is doing an accent. And we said; Well check the script, it’s in there, it’s going to be great. And we wound up really enjoying his performance, he’s fantastic. Our showrunner Matt, was upset that he meets an untimely end in the next episode because he wanted us to bring Reggie back. He told us not to kill him but we’d already shot that scene where he dies.

NP: Matt wanted Reggie to be the new Guard back guy. Which is a role we’ve kind of rolled from character to character for production reasons in a lot of ways. But Reggie was so good that we were wondering how we could have him come back and be the Guard bad guy.

[The scene where Nathan gets hit by the Trouble] BM: So something bad is about to happen to Nathan. Which was always the plan for the episode; this has actually been in the works for a long time. We referred to this story as Ghost Nathan. Going back to the first season we had a bank of episodes [that we’d like to do]. And a lot of them were ones that we could never produce, but one of them was a ghost one where we figured we could have someone walking through walls and stuff. And I - maybe it’s because of my unabashed love for the movie Ghost - but I always thought we could do a Ghost Nathan episode. And we never had anything we could do with it. It was one of those things you’d pull it out if it worked for the episode. And it did work for this one. Because we needed the Trouble in this episode to do a few things for us. First of all it works because Lucas Bryant is great at selling the ghost of it all. He’s standing in this room with Kirsty, his wife, and she has to ignore him and he has to sell it - they both do. The best special effect in the episode is not people walking through walls or him sticking his hand through the phone, the best effect is the performance. And it’s not an easy thing; everyone ignoring him and him acting like they can’t see him.

NP: Well yeah and in that scene it was just him there and her ignoring him the entire time, but there’s several scenes where we had to shoot two versions; one with Lucas and one without, and then patch them together.

BM: Yeah even this scene [Duke and Audrey looking at Nathan’s shadow on the floor] there are a couple of wide shots where Nathan’s not in it. WhichI think our producers were not super-happy about because it definitely added to the load that we had to shoot. But Audrey and Nathan have been separated for, what six episodes this season, and they’ve just got back together again. And there was a version where we could have gone with a story where they were the power team back together again. But we liked the idea of a bit of a role reversal. That she would be thrust into this position of trying to get him back. And he’s trying to get back to her. And what that did for their characters and for so many other story lines, particularly the other big thing that we had to deal with in this episode that she’s not immune to the Troubles. So we wanted to go with a Trouble that really played to that. So the idea that she can’t see him now, when any other episode before this one she would have been able to. She would have been able to see him if she was immune and it would have blown up the episode. So this was the perfect time to do it, in an episode where, for the first time ever, Audrey is not immune to the Troubles.

NP: And an important detail is that right now, they don’t know what this Trouble is, so she doesn’t know where he is. The supposition is that he’s dead, and we’ve had dead Nathan before but always found ways to bring him back. But because of the way this Trouble works there’s no body, no nothing, so they have no way to bring him back.

BM: And that scene we just saw [Duke and Audrey finding Nathan’s shadow on the floor] there were versions of it that went a lot further in that direction. Where Duke was basically talking about the idea that it looks like Nathan is dead.

NP: Yeah, he’s gone.

BM: And Audrey was fighting back against him. And it was really, really heavy. And we eventually pulled back on it, I think correctly, because Matt and Gab felt that it was just too sad. We did still play with it a little with Duke, he’s still much closer than Audrey is to believing that the worst has happened. And that makes sense because Duke is not quite as romantic, he’s a little bit more of a realist.

NP: Yep.

BM: And he’s already been through a bunch of bad shit already. And he’s beginning to come around to the idea that he’s just lost Nathan; another punch in the series of punches he’s been taking. But Audrey clings a little bit longer. We wanted her to escalate her anger over the course of the episode as she’s starting to consider that it could be maybe legit. But we definitely pulled back on the two of them holding each other and mourning his loss. Just yet.

NP: Yeah, it will grow.

BM: So the other thing we needed to do in this episode, again talking about the realism of it all, is that we felt like it couldn’t be easy for Audrey to be Audrey again, not with everything that Mara had done. And the best way for us to show that was to have actually the Guard be the main threat in this episode. The case of the week is sort of an issue, but the real threat in this episode ends up being, what is the Guard going to do not understanding the Mara/Audrey situation of it all.

NP: Yeah and just having the Guard as the threat is something we talked about for so long at different times. And this was a good way of escalating it at the right time, with Mara having been the threat that she was for so long, and Dwight being out of town. We did not have the wonderful Adam Copeland for these two episodes, so he’s gone and the Guard is doing their own thing in his absence.

BM: Yeah it wasn’t our choice, really, to have no Adam Copeland in this episode. It was just by his schedule, due to his contract, we were just not going to have him for this episode or the next one. So we kind of got stuck with no Adam, but it wound up really working for the story because I don’t think that the Guard threat could have played as well, with them going off the handle, with him around. So it actually wound up being a story that works because Adam’s gone. It’s almost about the fact that he is gone.

NP: This actor is great, who plays Glen.

BM: Yes, his name is Dylan Trowbridge.

NP: Glen named after Glen Holler/Holland [not sure of the spelling]

BM: Our friend Glen. His last name, Andros, is a Stephen King reference. Nick Andros was the deaf character from The Stand.

NP: Perfect. Got to work in those Stephen King references.

[As Audrey arrives at the farmers’ market] BM: Now, Amy the photographer who Audrey is about to talk to is, the Troubled person of the episode. So we had to plant her in the background when we were here a while ago, and now she’s here too. Because we needed the logic to work in the background. And that’s why there’s also some dialogue here about how she had gone home because the Trouble works when she prints out the photo, when she makes the photo final, the way a painter would finish a painting or whatever. So we had established that she had not been here all day but had gone home and printed some of the photos. She must have liked the looks of Nathan. And then here we have Audrey tell her to send her some pictures and she’s got the hard copies in the next episode. So we imagine that right now, Amy is going home, printing out all the photos she has of Reggie. But maybe her printer is out of ink,

NP: Or it takes her a while to get home.

BM: And then she prints it out of course, the second that Audrey has Reggie at gunpoint and so he disappears.

[As Nathan walks up to the crying woman in the graveyard] NP: Oh remember the fun we had coming up with what this woman is going to say?

BM: Oh my gosh yes. We had always intended there to be a bit of a horror movie scare there. Totally helped by the fact that Rob Lieberman, our director for this episode and the next (as well as other Haven episodes) has a ton of experience in that department. He did Fire In The Sky, super-scary movie. And he’s great. So he totally leaned into it. You can even see here [where Nathan’s talking to the ‘ghosts’] all these interesting canted angles and stuff it just feels a little bit moodier and scarier than it otherwise could. Because if you really look at it, it’s a beautiful day. It would have been great if this was nighttime but we couldn’t shoot any of these scenes at night.

NP: And Chris Masterson does a great job here as Morgan, does an incredible job as the ghost guide, the greeting committe, giving Nathan the rundown on how everything operates. And functionally for the logic of the story it’s really important because of what he’s saying about crossing over as your residual self image. Which is stuff that plays to important plot points later in this episode and the next one.

BM: Especially in your episode. This scene was exposition heavy, it was kind of a bear trying to make it as conversational as possible.

NP: But Chris sells it.

BM: He totally does. But yeah a lot of the stuff that Morgan talks about here about the theories of how it works is his understanding, but his understanding is not correct. But it’s what we have to go with for the time being.

NP: Yeah everything he says is true from his point of view, but his understanding is not correct.

BM: Yeah we were lucky to get Chris for this episode. We had his brother, Danny Masterson, last season in your episode 411. He was one of the two Darkside Seekers. The other Darkside Seeker, Kris Lemche, is about to appear in the next episode.

[As we flash back to Nathan talking to Garland’s ghost] BM: Ooh the flashback. In the exact same cemetery. I always wonder why that says Rufus P. Parker there [on the gravestone between Nathan and Garland]. The Parker kind of threw me off.

[Personally I think it says Barker, but it’s an interesting comment anyway:)]

BM: But we’ve got a bunch of flashbacks, little quick ones like that over the course of the season. And it was sort of by design, not knowing, and still not knowing frankly, whether this would be the last season of the show or not. So just in case it was, we sort of wanted to hearken back to previous seasons before and try to connect things a little bit better. And even just seeing what our characters looked like a couple of years ago has a little bit of an emotional whallop to it.

[As Nathan watches Duke frustratedly flicking through the Crocker journal] BM: So we’re coming up on the twist here at the end of this third act that I used to sell the episode. Because the way that it works on our show, and most shows, is that you’ve got the roadmap of the season (the big things that need to happen), this one we knew this was the first one with Audrey and Mara split, and Mara in the hold of the boat. And we didn’t know a ton else about what it was going to be. We knew that we were going to start pushing Mara and Duke’s relationship as they get to know each other and see eye to eye a little bit more, and then in episode 8 a little bit more, and in episode 9 a little bit more. But that was kind of it.

NP: Episodes 7 and 8 to a large extent were about finishing up the story lines from the first half of the season, and this was platforming for everything that was going to happen in the back end.

BM: So we knew that we needed a big Trouble that would take up these two episodes, and we needed it to help us tell some stories about our characters. But the way that we sold this one with the ghost of it all was basically that - from the get-go from pitching it to our show runners and everybody - was that at the half way point of the episode, ghost!Nathan and Duke are in here and they’re talking to Mara, and Duke leaves, and then she reveals that she can see Nathan. And that was the turning point of the episode. If we’ve done our jobs well enough maybe not everyone saw it coming, I think that a good amount of people probably did see it coming. But it helped us in a lot of ways, it really turned the screws on the Mara story really quickly.

NP: Yep.

BM: Now she’s even more in control because she’s the only person who can see Nathan. And that tells us that Nathan’s not really dead of course. And it tells Nathan that he’s the victim of a Trouble. But it also helped us tell a story about the fact that Mara’s immune to the Troubles and Audrey is not. Which was the big thing that we needed to tackle. And what better way to do it than the fact that Audrey can’t see Nathan and the only person who can, is Mara.

NP: That’s it.

BM: So once we had that as the middle twist of the episode, everyone was on board. There was no going back then.

NP: And the back half of that is something maybe we’ll talk about more in 508 but, because Mara is immune and can see him, how does Audrey use her lack of immunity to her benefit.

BM: Absolutely. The end point of this episode is really about Audrey bottoming out a little bit. We wanted to get her to a place where she kind of has to confess that she is not who she once was, and she maybe can’t do this anymore because she’s lost her, superpower (for lack of a better term). And then the next episode is where she gets her groove back to some extent, and realises that it’s not about her immunity, it’s about whatever she does with whatever she has at her disposal. And she ends up using her lack of immunity to her advantage. So this episode was sort of the Empire Strikes Back, then you’ve got the Return of the Jedi.

NP *sounding doubtful* Well…

BM: Don’t think about it.

NP: Oh there’s Reggie . And I love the other backup Guard member who looks very much like Jordan McKee from previous seasons.

BM: She looks just like her.

[Me: *squints doubtfully at the screen*]

BM: Her name is Justine [I can’t catch the surname]. She has worked on the show in the past and she’s great. She had some lines at some point in time. And a name, I feel like her characters’ name was Riley. And then it ended getting cut because there was just too much going on in the episode and too many people. I should also say while we’re talking about the Guard, that Mitchell, who is coming back to our show, was in episodes three and four. He was a bit of a late addition to those; we were trying to bring back as a returning Guardsman, the guy from episode 403, Bad Blood, but he wasn’t available. So we created a new Guardsman, as Mitchell. And then we brought him back for this episode which was great.

NP: We just needed to have someone with some animosity towards Nathan and the police department who was a more militant member of the Guard.

BM: Absolutely. And we actually tried to bring Mitchell back a couple episodes from now and then he wasn’t available. So we had to go with another person, so it was a bit of a case of musical chairs of Guard members.

[Nathan talking to the two ‘ghosts’ in the graveyard] NP: And Nathan here is revealing the truth.

BM: Yeah. It’s kind of classic. We had been a little bit worried that in the previous acts there was really just that one stretch of 10 minutes where Nathan thinks he’s dead. And no one wanted him to lose his drive, because he should always be trying to figure out what’s going on. But now that he knows that he’s the victim of a Trouble, he’s in Nathan mode. And is going to do whatever he can.

NP: He’s got Case Face now.

BM: Absolutely. But again a lot of this and Morgan’s attitude on hearing what Nathan has to say, pays off more in the next episode. It’s laying the groundwork for the fact that maybe not everyone wants to go back. It’s a little of the insitutionalised thing; a bit of a Shawshank Redemtion thing here that if you get used to living this way maybe you don’t want to go back. Although as we’ll discover in 508, Morgan has a pretty good reason for not wanting to go back.

NP: A very good, if selfish, reason.

BM: Yeah, but you can’t blame him. And that’s what you’re looking for in your motivation for a bad guy. Where when you find out why they’re doing what they’re doing you feel like you’d probably do the same thing.

[As Audrey is pointing her gun at Reggie] BM: Reggie here is a bit lighter on motivation. He’s just a bad guy. But you don’t really stop to think about it because Dylan is so good.

NP: He just sells it.

BM: But even here, his little speech here was important to me to get his POV across a little bit. Which, from his stand point, Audrey has caused all of this to happen, which she did. And then she was Mara, and now she says she’s Audrey but she can’t be trusted; bad things are happening. So why should he listen to her? I put myself in Reggie’s shoes and realised that if the show was about the Guard, Audrey and Nathan would be the bad guys.

NP: Yeah. I also love the aspect of that scene there where Reggie is down on his knees at the mercy of Audrey, much like in his final scene in True Detective, on his knees at the mercy of someone there.

BM: Yeah, totally ripped that off too.

NP: I think there was an earlier version of the script where Nathan runs out of the van there and it drives through him.

*Both being amused at the intense level of concentration on Nathan’s face as he watches Bishop tap the security code into the door*

BM: What you don’t see, is that you have to imagine that in his head for the rest of this scene Nathan is just thinking to himself like; 1283. 1283. Gotta remember the code. 1283. That is why we had it be a four-digit code because if it was six it would be harder to remember. But I love the look of Guard HQ here. Remember Rob Lieberman was totally responsible for it. He mentioned to us when we were on the phone to us, he said; I’m going out on a limb here but I’m thinking like the movie Children of Men. And we were both like; Could not love Children of Men more, please do it.

NP: Such a moody and gritty feel.

BM: But if you recognise a bit of the layout and architecture of the hallway we just saw and the long room here [where Mitchell has Audrey tied to a chair in front of the desk that Bishop’s Trouble disintergrates], this is actually the same building that we used the interior of for the Barn at the end of season three and briefly in season four. I think this is the second floor of that building. The first floor is painted all white, every inch of it, because it was the Barn. And up here it’s the exact same layout but now it’s Guard HQ.

BM: Now poor Bishop.

NP: He has got a rough, rough Trouble

BM: So we imagined that he would have to be one of these people wearing gloves, and that they would have to be these chemical resistant ones because he’s got this acid touch. So then it’s like well he’s going to look silly wearing these giant gloves. Because those gloves are real, they can actually protect against any sort of corrosive acid. So we figured he should be wearing coveralls as well so it kind of matches, so it seems like he’s an industrial type guy. But the actor must have been burning alive because this was the middle of summer in Nova Scotia which means that it was about 90 degrees.

[Nathan talking to Mara again in the hold] BM: So this scene here, in a way is the climax of the episode. At least it was for me. This is where the shit hits the fan. Nathan comes to her with his plan for her to tell Duke what’s happening to Audrey. She says no, and then it’s about getting her to help. And then it all just fell into place; it seemed like the right story to tell about Audrey and Mara. And to be evolving what is Mara’s relationship to them now that she is her own person. Because she’s only going to do what’s in her best interest. And she keeps holding this card over their heads as to whether she’s connected or not. And we went into this season knowing that they weren’t connected, knowing that hurting Mara wasn’t going to hurt Audrey (unlike the thing with William) but that question comprises the entirety of this episode. Because we realised the characters don’t know that. So a lot of this is Duke trying to figure out whether she is or not. And Mara withholding her knowledge. So then we knew that the last beat in this episode would be Mara revealing the truth. Because at that point she doesn’t need them to wonder whether she’s connected or not because she’s got something better, which is that now she knows they need her to help Nathan.

NP: Well and that’s always what her bargaining chip is, that she can’t threaten them with anything, it’s all about the knowledge she possesses.

BM: And the actors all did a great job with this scene. There are takes where Nathan’s there, and when he’s not. But it all really worked. And she is just the right amount of funny in this scene.

NP: And cruel.

BM: Because she’s still enjoying messing with them, and it worked out really well. It really worked out really well. And here, what Eric had to play is realising that Nathan is alive again, but also realising that Audrey’s in Trouble. It’s not as easy as the three of them make it look. But it’s amazing because we have our three leads, they’re back in the same room together, they do this every day for years. But now, she’s the bad guy, Nathan’s a ghost, and Eric has no idea what’s going on. So I was really excited about being able to write a scene - and this is a three or four page scene - with all them in the room together but everything is different from how it usually is.

NP: Yeah, and this was one of the ones that had to be shot twice.

BM: And the other story that we’re telling in this episode is Audrey’s relationship to the town, and them not trusting her, is she lying about who she is, and all this doubt that everyone would have about her, after having lived through the tyranny of Mara for a while. And so the thing that we wanted to do in this scene [as Bishop is dissolving the desk] is kind of to some extent close that story off. It still comes up a bunch of times throughout the season, but she does something here, or could do something here, that proves to them that she is Audrey. She has a kind of I Am Sparticus Moment; I am Audrey Parker. It seemed a little cheesy in the script but Emily totally sells it. And that I Am Audrey Parker moment was an important one for us.

NP: Absolutely.

BM: We started this episode with her kind of in this fetal position trying to grapple with what she is now, finding she’s not immune, what is her identity now. So it felt important to us that she get to a different place by the next episode.

NP: Well yeah because there’s a sense in which her superpower is immunity to the Troubles, but really, on an emotional level, her superpower is her empathy for everybody and understanding what they’re going through. So she’s like; I totally get why you did what you did, so you’re going to be OK. Forgiveness is her thing.

BM: I never noticed that Duke brings Mara a can of food there. That wasn’t in the script. I’ve seen this episode a bunch of times and I never noticed that before, but it makes sense.

[As Mara is cutting her wrist with the chains] BM: We had a bit of an issue here because we knew that we wanted her to cut herself to prove that her and Audrey aren’t connected, but it was only when we were about to start shooting we realised; how is she going to cut herself when she’s chained up? So we had her use one of the chains, and it might be impossible to do in real life, but Emily totally sold it.

NP: Yep, she gets it.

BM: And I love this. We basically get three episodes of Mara in the hold of Duke’s boat. And I love them all. We always thought of it as the Hannibal Lecter scenes and the power play of it between her and Duke, and it really starts to work very well I think in these last two scenes. And super well in episode 8.

NP: It was fun. And I think one of the challenges of this is that we knew she was going to be chained up in the hold, and so the challenge is how do you differentiate each scene, and each episode, and what is the arc for each one? And so we really had to bear down on what they were going to be about.

BM: Well it was kind of a story unto itself, and here she tells us just a little bit that she’s actually affected by it, when she admits that she liked it when they said they needed her. Is she telling the truth, is she not - Duke doesn’t pay her any mind at all and walks out, but what is she thinking, what is she doing? Is she warming to Duke a little bit or does she have some angle that she’s playing - that’s the question we wanted everyone to be asking.

NP: And that’s the question we live in a lot in 508.

[Audrey talking to a ghost!Nathan (kind of) in her apartment] BM: So this scene also just fell into place really naturally. We knew that Nathan’s ghost situation was not going to be resolved at the end of this episode. And we knew that our first Audrey/Nathan scene in that bed over there was this tender scene, and I wanted to get them back in that same room and have them be in the room together but as far apart as possible. And all of the circumstances they have to deal with have kept them apart - again. And so she thinks that he’s there, but doesn’t know for sure that he is. And they’re both great in this scene.

NP: Again credit to both of the actors for selling this, that she’s talking to him but not looking at him.

BM: Yeah I talked to them about it, they really enjoyed doing it because it’s a really heartfelt scene between the two of them and she’s confessing this doubt that she has (and she’s a very confident person) and they’re both there together but she has no idea whether she’s even there or not. And he knows that she can’t hear him. So he’s watching her go through this. And it’s a scene between the two of them that is unlike anything else, in its DNA that we had been able to do before now. So it felt like an opportunity and I think they both felt that way too.

NP: Yep, love this scene.

BM: But we also just wanted them to bottom out a little bit here because then episode 8 is kind of the come back

NP: The Return of the Jedi as you so nicely put it.

BM: Exactly. We unfreeze him from carbonite. We go fight in the forest.

NP: There’s some Ewoks. It’s great.

[Nathan back in the graveyard for the final scene] BM: So this was always the end of the episode, picking up the ghost case of it all. And we always wanted, right on the back of Nathan being confident that he’s safe and he’s going to take care of it, to then come over here and see that his Deputy Glen has been killed. And we always wanted to have this message left for him [“Even ghosts can die”] scrawled on the grave. And we landed on that one pretty quickly because it couldn’t be too long.

NP: And it sets us up nicely for 508.

BM: Thanks for listening everybody, we will see you again for 508.

[prorevenge]

Yell at me for skating, get arrested.

TLDR at the bottom.

Yesterday, June 21st, was national go skate day. As such a lot of skateparks around the states were hosting competitions for various reasons. Parks were overcrowded, people who don't normally skate were getting out. Typical holiday stuff.

This shop I've been trying to get to carry my skateboards happened to be hosting one such contest, at one such skate park. I was going to tell you guys which but then I thought someone might go to the park and look for the kid I'm writing about. Anyways this park has some of the notoriously worst skaters. Absolute jerks. They cut each other off, yell at each other, fight, and if the shop I wanted to see was not there I would never skate this park.

​

So being me, I decided to arrive early, maybe it wouldn't be too busy and I could skate around for a bit without any trouble? I was so terribly wrong. I had collisions with four different skaters. Maybe those were my fault, maybe I wasn't paying attention very well. Maybe it was their fault? I'm ready to let it go, but I'm on edge.

​

I decide to drop into the pool because it is one of very few spots at a skatepark you go one at a time. So I get in there, I started skating in circles just trying to get the feel for this pool. Warming up too. Then this kid, who we'll call Kyle starts yelling at me from the top of the pool. Whatever I've only been in the pool for a moment I know it's still my turn.

​

Still though, this kid I can clearly make out every word he's yelling.

​

Kyle: "Get out of the pool you douche! This park is for good skaters! I need to warm up so I can win the contest that Local Board Shop is hosting! You suck! You clearly can't do any tricks! You have no shot at winning!"

​

Whatever I think. I hate it here. Time to stop skating and just socialize. I pop out of the bowl by Kyle and he pushes me.

​

Kyle: "Locals only mother fucker. Don't let me see you step on that board again in my park."

​

Me: "Whatever kid I'll leave you to it."

​

I go to put my board away when my revenge plan kicks into gear. I own a skate company, and everyone seems to think skate company's sponsor anyone who can kickflip. So I figure, I'm going to let it leak around the park that I'm here scouting talent to recruit to my team.

​

I go and cheer a few kids as they do their super basic tricks. Call them over one at a time to tell them I'm here scouting talent. Sure enough, within half an hour kids all over the park are coming to me to introduce themselves. Asking me to pay special attention, what company I represent, what sponsorship requirements are, that kind of stuff. At this point even if my plan fails I've just created a ton of buzz at this contest and everyone is talking about me and my company.

​

Somewhere in the mix though, Kyle comes to talk to me.

​

Kyle: "Hey look, man, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to yell at you. I was excited that's all."

​

Me: "Look I get it, so I'm going to give you another chance. You said you're competing right?"

​

Kyle: "Yeah I'm here to destroy these fucking losers."

​

Me: "Alright listen, I saw you skating around a bit while I was talking to people. You're really good, exactly the level of skating we need for someone on our team. I plan on keeping on eye on you, don't disappoint me. What's your name by the way?"

​

Kyle: "My name is Kyle, and fuck yeah bro. You know I got this on lock!"

​

Kyle actually was a very talented skater in case you're wondering. I had no plans of actually recruiting him, or anybody, but he was good.

​

A little time goes by and the contest starts. We start by doing "Best Trick" on the A-Frame. This is an A-Frame so you can visualize.

​

There is absolutely no coordination on who goes when, the guys from the shop just tell them to go and start calling out tricks they see on their megaphone. I start closely filming Kyle. Sure enough, he's skating the contest like the douche he was being earlier. Yelling at people, pushing people out of the way, and he even hit a guy with his board. I get every single confrontation on video. I thought about sharing the video, but again we don't need a witch hunt.

​

Kyle ends up doing pretty well, landing 3rd place with a big flip over the A-frame. I couldn't find a video of a big flip, but here is a bigger flip. A big flip is a kickflip with a 360-degree board rotation and a 180-degree body rotation. It's an impressive trick. Somehow he got beat by a kid that did a tailslide, and someone who did a kickflip into a boardslide with a shuv out.

​

Me: "Hey Kyle, I saw your big flip over the A-Frame. That's a hard trick and I'm impressed. You got anything special planned for the next contest?"

​

Kyle: "LOL, it's called S.K.A.T.E. you idiot. It's like H.O.R.S.E. but for skateboarding. Fuck yeah, I got something."

​

Me (Annoyed because I know exactly what a game of S.K.A.T.E. is) "Yeah... Anyways I'm excited to see what you can do."

​

The rounds of S.K.A.T.E. start and we do a single elimination bracket. I'm still aggressively watching and filming everything Kyle does. Every time his competitor misses a trick he makes fun of them, every time they go to throw a trick he yells something totally obscene to throw off their concentration. Every time he makes a trick he does a mini-celebration, and every time he misses a trick he blames his competitor and pushes them. You know, because it's their fault he couldn't land it.

​

He ends up getting knocked out in the third round. He throws his board across the park, and it almost hits someone, and storms off for a bit. When he comes back I congratulate him on getting so far.

​

Me: "Good job getting to the third round. I really liked some of those tricks you had. I got a lot of them on camera, I'll edit all the film from the day and show you later."

​

Kyle: "Whatever that fucktard that beat me cheated. Everybody fucking knows you're not allowed to do body varials."

​

Me: "Get him in the next event."

​

Kyle: "Oh fuck yeah bro. I got that fucking race on lockdown."

​

It seriously irritates me when people use cuss words as filler for normal conversation. I just want to say I'm annoyed with him and how he speaks. I'm sure he chalked up my visible frustration to him losing though, because that's how Kyle's are.

​

The next event is a race around the park, simple. Best time wins. Kyle isn't even close to being a contender on this one. He's slow, he isn't hitting obstacles correctly, and it seems like all this pressure I'm putting on him is really getting to him. He shoved some people out of the way so he could be one of the first to go too, so he has to watch as 10-15 people just crush his time.

​

Every time someone looks like they're going to be doing better than him, he starts yelling at them and screaming. He even threw sand on the course. Probably so people would slide on it. I'm not really sure what his goal was but it failed. I decide I'm going to make an excuse for him on this one so he has an easy cop-out, but also thinks I'm on his side.

​

Me: "Bro, looks like you need some new bearings. You kept losing all the speed, but your form was great."

​

Kyle: "Yeah bro, but my mom is being a bitch and won't replace these shit bearings. Fuck her!"

​

Me: "Well listen, man, I gotta go grab something real quick, company emergency, will you be here in like an hour when I get back?"

​

Kyle: "Of fucking course dog."

​

There's one more event, I didn't bother to watch I already had what I wanted. So I start going through all these videos of Kyle, and I make an edit of every time he screamed at someone, cheated in an event, or had poor sportsmanship. There's like 10 minutes of him yelling at people and being a dick all edited into one super edit. I also grab lunch, because of food.

​

I get back to the park and I grab a brand new deck out of my car. Just a prop. As I walk into it, I wave Kyle to come over to me. Looks like all the events are over, and the shop I came to see is just socializing with skaters.

​

Kyle: "Oh no fucking way. Is that for me? I got the spot!?! I got the spot!"

​

Me: "Hey yeah so come check out this video. I want to show you exactly what I was paying attention to the entire time you were skating."

​

I show Kyle the video, it opens with his bigger flip, then it proceeds to show him just being a dick. He makes excuses throughout the whole video. He tells me at several points he didn't mean it. It was a mistake. Typical loser stuff.

​

Me: "Here's the deal. I love how you skate. but I expect better behavior out of any rider the might come ride for DJ Skate. If you go find all of these skaters and makeup with them before I leave, we have a spot on the team for you."

​

Kyle: "These losers fucking worship me. They'll all be fucking ecstatic to see me on your team."

​

Me: "Alright well, when you make up with them tell them to come to see me. I want to hear it from them that they're cool with you."

​

I go hang out with the shop owners for a bit, I point out everyone at the contest riding one of my boards and how they should carry my deck because their audience is skating them. After a few minutes, Kyle comes up holding this little kid by his ear.

​

Kyle: "Tell him we're cool right fucking now or I rip your ear off."

​

Poor kid: "Yeah what he said. We're cool. We're cool."

​

I wave him off and he goes back out, but now I'm watching him bully all these kids into coming over and saying we're cool. The shop asks me what it's about and I tell them how I said we couldn't sponsor anyone that behaves that way, and he wanted to be sponsored. They agree, and we just watch in awe as Kyle gets worse and worse.

​

Finally, one of the kids bigger than him seems to refuse the apology and a fight breaks out. I rush over to break it up, but Kyle has already had his face beaten in by this kid. The kid yells about how no one likes him and how there is no way he would ever tell anybody for any reason to sponsor him.

​

Kyle (Crying and sniffling): "Look DJ Skate, I tried to apologize and he beat me up. I didn't do nothing wrong to him."

​

Me: "Oh don't worry I saw the whole thing. The guys at the shop saw too. We know exactly what happened."

​

I didn't know yet, but that very familiar sound of sirens goes off in the background. I didn't think anything of it until police rushed passed me and start pinning guys to the ground.

​

Police officer: "What happened. One at a time."

​

Kyle (Lying): "I was just skating minding my own business and this guy beat me up. I didn't do anything to deserve it."

​

The kid who beat up Kyle: "Not even you came over here shoving us, telling us how we have to apologize to you for cheating in the contest and go tell that guy we're cool so you can get sponsored."

​

They go back and forth and the police finally come to me.

​

Police: "Is that true? Did you tell him you'd sponsor him if he made up with everybody here."

​

Me: "Oh boy do I have a video for you guys..."

​

I show the police how he's been pushing people and yelling at everyone all day, and I explain how this kid just decided he had enough and fought back to protect himself. They walk Kyle out in cuffs, and I don't even need to tell him he didn't get the sponsorship. The police check with everybody who came to tell me they were cool with Kyle to make sure he didn't hurt them too badly. They also check with some people in the video, and get everyone's contact info.

​

They start asking people older than 18 if they want to push charges, and start calling the parents of the younger kids to ask if the same thing. A few people let it go, but at least 10 people want to push charges on Kyle.

​

The police ask for my video, as well as the raw footage, and I email it all to them. He also spends a painstaking amount of time recording my phone while the video plays using his chest came. Took like an hour of me just waiting to get my phone back.

​

At this point the shop is packed up and heading out, promising once again to answer my email with whether or not they want to buy.

​

I'm not going to bother to keep up with Kyle, but I'm sure he'll be getting some jail time for that fight. The kid that beat him up seemed to be in trouble too.

​

TLDR: Went skating before a contest, when Kyle yells at me. I tell him I'm looking to sponsor the best skaters in the contest, and he starts being a dick to all the other skaters. I record Kyle being a dick, and tell him he needs to apologize. A fight breaks out, and the police are called. I show them the recordings, and they arrest Kyle.

(source) story by (/u/DJSkate)

[avelera]

more body positive stuff, but this time with hermann? he’s always been insecure about how scrawny he is and how bony his limbs are but newt just can’t get over how elegant and beautiful his boyfriend is!!!

Hey there, Anon! I combined your prompt with a second one which I’ll list below the cut. This got kinda long (3k words, sigh) but I hope I hit what you’re looking for!

On the Risks (and Benefits) of Pillow Talk 

Also available on Ao3

Ship: Newt/Hermann

Words: ~3,000

Timeline: Soon after their Drift - I wanted to write the smut scene between them first but eh, unfortunately this is very T/PG-13 rated and the smut scene will come another day :)

Prompt 2: Can you talk a bit more about Hermann’s realization that he has a bit of a thing for more ample bodies? Did he slowly notice that his secret crushes had certain things in common? Did it hit him suddenly during a meeting? Was it something that he had to hide since he was a child? Is it something he’s found adult videos of before deleting his browser history? Enquiring minds want to know the whole story 😉

–

They lay there, panting side by side, nude on the bed, and even if it wasn’t the first time, Hermann still found himself staring up at the ceiling as his heart rate slowed, trying to figure out how this has become his life. How it had actually come to this after years of alternating between furious at Newton to furious at himself for not being able to relinquish the lingering desire he felt since they’re only known each other as a signature at the end of a page. 

Most humiliating had been the desire that would throb at the most inopportune times. Moments when they were in one another’s face, screaming themselves hoarse, when it would suddenly come over Hermann how badly he wanted to have Newton screaming for an entirely different reason and he would scoff and sputter and storm off, only hoping that Newt would take his departure as a reaction to his monument stupidity rather than the truth of Hermann’s own shameful lack of self control.

Thanks to the Drift, he could now see that a loss of self-control would have probably been the best thing he could have done at the time. They could have been shagging one another silly for years.

Newt sighed in contentment and rolled over to press up against Hermann, planting what he suspected were deliberately messy kisses against his shoulder. Newt’s hand swept up and down Hermann’s scrawny, concave chest, down to the sharp jut of his hipbone down to his thin legs. At least Newt’s wasn’t touching the mess of surgical scars on his left hip or the mangled bone beneath it. Not that Newton had ever made any gesture, or even a whisper that he was put off by the scars, but Hermann can’t help but feel…

“God, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” Newt muttered against his skin. “What are these fucking dancer legs, man? I feel like I kidnapped the premier danseur of the fucking Paris Ballet.” Newt lifted Hermann’s good leg at the knee and stroked his hand up and down the calf while laving more kisses against his skin.

Hermann scoffed, “Like you’ve ever attended the ballet.”

“Fuck you, I spent my summers stuck on the opera circuit as a kid, you uncultured swine. I know what I’m about,” Newt said. “Which is why I know this is fucking superb.” Newt crawled up to bracket Hermann on all fours, peppering more kisses against his neck and down to his chest while his hand traced up and down his side. “But what I don’t know is what you’re doing with a slob like me. Must be my dazzling personality.”

Hermann’s eyes fluttered open as he frowned. His mouth went dry every time he saw Newton naked, at the rounded muscles of his arms and the swell of his stomach and his hips and his thighs. Hermann could feel himself stirring even so soon after the last round just thinking about Newton’s body. “Don’t be absurd, I think we both know who would win a theoretical beauty contest, much as it pains me to stroke your ego.”

“Fake compliments? Dr. Gottlieb, I’m all aflutter!” Newt said between kisses, muffling half his words with each peck. “Especially that you would up and lie like a lying liar just to make me feel better.”

Newt’s been happier, far more relaxed since they closed the Breach. Hermann imagined a similar mood was sweeping the world right now. As for himself, dispatching an existential threat on the same night as all of one’s sexual tension had admittedly lifted even his mood. Newton was a bottomless well of delight and exuberance in the bedroom, far more enthusiastic than any of Hermann’s past partners. He’d simply assumed it was the Drift, or Newton’s general attitude of respect towards Hermann’s disability and familiarity with his overall…demeanor. After  five years of working closely together, the man was in all likelihood simply not phased by all of Hermann’s failings, not that it had stopped all of their petty sniping. 

Hermann frowned and pushed himself up on his elbows. “Do not call me a liar,” he said querulously.

“But you are though. Except like a handsome one so I’ll put up with it this time,” Newt said and kissed up to Hermann’s lips, now within reach. Hermann continued to frown and did not return it. “Ok, what is it now? Are you seriously mad at me for having even a trace of modesty? I thought we were still in the honeymoon period.”

“You’re not a…a slob, Newton, unless you were referring to your office organization habits,” Hermann said. “You’re obviously more attractive than I, and either you are teasing me on the matter, which I do not appreciate and quite violates the so-called honeymoon period, or you believe that to be true and I will not permit you to project such a wrong-headed belief onto me.”

“Wait. Wait a minute, are we…” Newt paused, “seriously having a fight about who is hotter right now?”

“We’re not fighting, it’s a statement of fact,” Hermann retorts.

“Oh my god. Ok, just so you know, this is officially the dumbest argument we’ve ever had, and we’ve had some doozies. First of all, what are you, twelve? Second, you hit all the bases for conventionally attractive, borderline supermodel, dude, if you’d just dress like it once in a while. Those cheekbones, those hands, your shoulders,” Newt punctuated each statement by kissing the offending body part, “you’ve got the willowy, Victorian consumptive look down pat. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re built like a dancer. Probably the only reason you’re with me is the hot girl effect. Y’know when you’re so hot everyone’s intimidated so only the gross, loud-mouthed guy is dumb enough to give it a shot. Eh, that and you’ve gone way out of your way to hide all this. Then there’s your personality, I mean, you might as well just put up a stop sign…”

“Stop it,” Hermann snapped.

Newt’s lip twitched, but he did stop and held up his palm in surrender. “Sorry, man, old habits. I gotta remember one of these days that I don’t have to pull your pigtails to get you to notice me anymore. Not when I’ve already got you in bed by some fucking miracle.”

Hermann’s lips worked as he choked past his fury, “Not about me, you imbecile, you think after five years together in that lab I can’t handle a petty jab? I meant stop putting yourself down when it is so blatantly untrue. The Newton Geiszler I know didn’t need to resort to false self-deprecation when the truth is obvious for anyone to see. This is frankly the worst kind of arrogance.”

Hermann shifted onto his side to face away from Newton, to give himself a moment to cool down if Newton didn’t begin to wheedle for forgiveness immediately and curl up against his back while whispering nonsense endearments like, don’t be like that, baby. Not that Hermann would ever admit to enjoying the pestering.

Instead, the bed shifted as Newt bounded from one side of Hermann to the other. He landed hard on his side and stared intently into Hermann’s eyes like he was trying to solve a puzzle. Hermann recoiled, his lips curled down in displeasure and he moved to shift the other way before Newt’s hand curled around his bicep to stop him. “Hold on a second, I’m a little mixed up here. Which part are you mad at me about, the part where I used to lie about how sexy I was in front of you because I was an insecure piece of shit who enjoyed riling you up, or the part where I thought we were over that now so I’ve started telling it like it is?”

“The part where you know very well which of us drew looks around the Shatterdome and it wasn’t me. If it wasn’t for your obnoxious mouth, I have no doubt you would have had suitors lining up outside our lab,” Hermann groused but softened at the confusion on Newt’s face and sighed. “It’s very kind of you to compliment me like that, Newton. Lord knows, I should simply shut up and enjoy it when you make an effort like that, but I think we both know what we have is more… cerebral. There are few minds that can keep up with yours, or with your nonsense, and that allows you to overlook the fact I’m certainly no catch. As you so generously pointed out, my personality forbids others from getting close, my leg means most either try to ignore me for their own comfort or treat me as if I were made of glass, and even besides that I look as skeletal and undernourished as I have since I was a youth. I simply can’t keep the weight on, let alone muscle. Even without my leg I never would have advanced in the Jaeger Academy for that alone.”

“Wow, that’s…” Newton squinted at Hermann, then did the little head tilt Hermann was familiar with when Newt had decided to try a different avenue of experimentation. “Ok, so what do you think of me? Like, my body? You’ve never really brought it up before and actually I’m realizing that’s kinda weird because you’ve brought up literally every other flaw I have under the sun before today.”

Hermann blushed and couldn’t prevent it. It was easier to look away and he trailed his finger tips down the sheet as he eyed Newton’s tattoos, which he would rather be touching. But no, they were supposed to be having a tiff. “Oh, very well, I’ll play along. It’s not as if it’s a secret that I find you attractive, our activities here should be testament to that, nor that I have for many years. I had to wank off twice before I was in a fit state to leave my room the day I received your polaroid, though I’m sure you saw all that in the Drift.”

Newt made a strangled noise and Hermann glanced up to find him wide-eyed. “No?”

“Nope!” Newt squeaked. His cheeks were pink to match Hermann’s own and that was a boost of confidence enough to keep him going with a secret smile to himself. Fine, he hadn’t given away all his darkest secrets in the Drift, but it was damned inconvenient to have to put words to what should have been the obvious and heretofore very inappropriate fact of his attraction to his lab partner.

“What else is there to say?” Hermann said and shifted in discomfort. “You might as well have been constructed in a lab to vex me personally. Your eyes, your hair, the way you bite your lip on those rare occasions when you stop yourself from speaking, your… your body, it’s…” he coughed, “very attractive.”

“Well, you’d be the fucking first to think so,” Newt muttered under his breath. “Ok, so we’re gonna have to revisit the jerking off to my picture thing, but I gotta ask, in the spirit of scientific inquiry: what the fuck? Why? Assuming you’re not just messing with me, I’d like to hear more about this very attractive thing. Not just for the ego stroke. I’ll take the ego stroke, I’ll take any kind of stroke you wanna give me in about fifteen more minutes, heh, but I gotta admit, dude, this is a little… new for me?”

Any other time, Hermann might have scoffed and rolled his eyes at Newton’s blatant fishing for praise. But there was a hesitance to his words, a puppy-like inquisitiveness in the way he looked up at Hermann’s face. There was no hint of the usual bravado.

Hermann exhaled and allowed his hand to drift over the curve of Newton’s soft stomach, tracing it so he felt the goosebumps pebble on Newton’s skin, obscured by the colorful tattoos. It was soothing to touch and helped calm his nerves enough to speak frankly. “You must understand, this has been a—a closely guarded part of me, I daresay a secret, for so long I’m not even sure I have the words for it. I find your body desirable. My own… has betrayed me again and again. Even before my leg, my father used me as an example to torment my siblings. I’ve always been bony like this, but he saw skinniness as a virtue, as if it were in any way intentional. I know you’re an only child so you perhaps don’t understand the experience of being pitted in competition with your siblings against your will, but I had very few friends. They were all I had and yet everything about me, my intellect, my accomplishments, and as I said my body were used to put distance between us in order to serve as some sort of motivation for their perceived success. But there’s nothing special  in what I am. Even without my leg I’ve never found my appearance terribly attractive. But yours…” 

Hermann shrugged. “You’re beautiful. Unselfconscious, healthy… there, you see? There’s barely a vocabulary in our language that doesn’t sound like backhanded compliments. I find you desirable. I find your arms and your stomach and your legs all the more so for your weight, the way others have been socialized to admire musculature that can only be achieved by a degree of exercise so obsessive it borders on self-harm, or the leanness that comes with self-starvation. I’ve always thought it was as natural as any other attraction, only to be mocked for my tastes whenever I dared express them, or be told that I was acting on a lack of options when nothing could not be further from the truth. When I saw your photo, I was taken aback by how instantaneous the attraction was. I already knew your mind, your personality, and then I discovered you were also handsome and sexually attractive to me as well. It was a deadly combination. By the time I saw you in person, I was so convinced you couldn’t desire me in return, the way I wanted so terribly, that I assumed your flirtations couldn’t be anything but mockery. You of course know the rest.”

“Yeah…” Newt trailed off at the memory of that disastrous first meeting, then grinned. “So, you dig the chub?”

Hermann huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes. “If you must put it in such terms, yes.”

“So is it like a feeding thing or a bursting out of clothes thing…? Don’t look at me like that, man, I’ve been on the internet.”

Hermann hadn’t thought he could blush any harder but he was proven wrong. “No! Not… not necessarily. I know what you mean, I… I won’t say I’m not aware of that subculture, or haven’t found some of their erotica titillating, would you stop snickering?”

“I’m sorry!” Newt gasped. “I should have asked you about porn before, oh my god, if you could see your face right now!”

“I’m trying to answer your question on what is a very difficult subject for me, Newton. Would you do me the courtesy of not mocking me for doing so the way everyone else has?”

Newton’s teeth clicked shut and his eyes widened. He then nodded for Hermann to go on.

Yet Hermann found himself at a loss. “Well, but as I said, it’s merely erotica. Fantasy. I would never encourage a partner to engage in dangerous behavior for my gratification, nor would I want to humiliate them the way much of that art does. I find the very idea abhorrent. But I can’t change what I find attractive and I confess, Newton, it never occurred to me that you were declaring anything but simple truth when you called yourself a stud or a rockstar just to infuriate me.” He offered a weak smile at the last and though he knew Newton, as intimately as it was possible to know another person, a part of him still clenched in anticipation of the inevitable rejection and mockery for baring himself so.

Newt hummed thoughtfully. “I guess that makes me a lucky sonofabitch then, huh?”

Hermann blinked. “That’s it? You don’t mind?”

“Yeah, I totally mind that your particular bone means I’m a sex god to you, it’s a real tragedy. I dunno, it may take some getting used to, the idea I mean, but it’s kinda like hitting the jackpot would take getting used to. You’re not going to turn around and tell me to drop the junk food or start training with the Jaeger pilots one of these days like some of my other, uh, past experiences that didn’t end so great.”

“I might if I feared for your health,” Hermann shrugged. “But for pure aesthetics? No.” He forced himself not to fidget. He still felt utterly exposed to be speaking this frankly.

“Score. ‘Cause I’ve tried, man, none of this is gonna change even if I put myself through hell. I’m just built like this. Which I guess isn’t a problem for you,” Newt added thoughtfully. “Ok, so now that you’ve got that out, will you maybe consider that I also think you’re hot as fuck too?”

“It’s a relationship, Newton, compliments don’t need to be transactional,” Hermann scoffed.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you sometimes. I’m not lying, Hermann! You’re hot! I’m into you, maybe it’s the other side of the whole thing you’ve got in your head, but you’re tall and elegant and… fucking lithe, like I need 19th century poetry to describe you. You’ve got the weirdest mouth I’ve ever seen and I’m so hot for it, like I felt funny just looking at you frowning up at your chalkboard some days. When you smile, your whole face transforms, and I could drown in your eyes if you’re not wearing those stupid granny glasses, and… mmmph!”

Hermann pulled away from kissing Newt to frown at him. “I think we’ve had quite enough of that.”

“You’re blushing! You really can’t handle compliments, huh?”

“Perhaps I’d rather save them up, instead of exhausting you on them all at once,” Hermann said and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t worry, babe, I’m nowhere near exhausted.” Newt grinned.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

throwing out some random numbers: 2, 23, 27, 39, 53, 58, 64, 76, 89

that’s the spirit tyvm.....you don’t know what these numbers will give me, idk what i’ll get from them, we’re just gonna see where it goes together

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

this time i’ll cape for lollipops. they can be fun colors! you can hold the stick in your mouth as something to fidget with.....Fruit Flavor....

23. strange habits?

hmm i mean [autistic behavior] which would seem ~strange~ but only from that certain perspective.......i think One Weird Trick i do is from this nightmare time when like, one semester in college i guess uhhh that was wow a decade ago lmao i had 8 am classes every day for 2 semesters and my roommate and i were night owls so i’d (generally) go to bed earlier and i got in the habit of like, covering my head (or the top half anyways) with like a robe or towel or whatever to block out the light. makeshift sleep mask basically. except i’ve slept like that ever since and it feels weird to Not do so. and i doubt an Actual sleep mask would cut it cuz it’s partially the weight thing. i can only imagine how fun a weighted blanket is lol

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

going tf inside!!!!!!! cold weather is garbage. although once i did go ice skating and reasonably enjoyed it. i like skating

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

i don’t like pie very much lmao i think the Crust is generally disappointing and i’m not big on the fillings. that said, lemon meringue is a Superior Pie and i’ve made it probably at least a dozen times, it’s pretty fun i think. but still the answer is lemon cake. lemon cake is amazing. cake is amazing. no contest between like, do i want some Amazing fancy pie? or do i want this $1.50 cake mix? i would probably want the cake. or i’d at least have to take a moment to think about it even if going with the pie cuz yeah some pie Is good and u can’t quite get the same flavors in a cake, like rhubarb. i don’t know that rhubarb cake exists. but lemon cake is great. lemon Pound cake hell fucking yes Please

53. what is the current state of your hands?

my hands are fine. they’re here and the same as ever. my nails are already a little too long but not to the point i Gotta cut them cuz it’s annoying tf out of me.....they’re not very dry, which is good, cuz yknow sometimes in the winter it’s like oh no i need lotion to live or smthing.....one time it was winter and i had dryass hands and we went to this Concert and i was just clapping enthusiastically and it made the back of one hand bleed lmao like yikes. the back of my right hand has a freckle although maybe that’s a mole, i haven’t been paying enough attention to know for sure lol.....i used to have a freckle in the middle of my palm on my left hand but that faded a while back. speaking of my palms the other day i was like, hmm is there some weird subtle like crepeiness in the surface of my Palm Skin??? it seemed like there was weird like, lattice-forming creasiness going along the Length of my fingers / across my palm. it might’ve been a vitamin d thing so i ate 3 eggs. today my hands seem more normal but the whole thing might’ve just been me making it up + placebo yolks. but either way. very normal hand day i’m having rn

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

man idk lol. i can get shy cats to like me sometimes. you just Be Chill with them and let them get used to you, idk it’s not hard @ anyone who thinks befriending cats is difficult like, probably that’s just you doing it way wrong........i can cook decently well, that’s handy i think and it can be fun even though it’s also this whole involved hassle......i like to Draw Emotively (in that the drawings are emotionally evocative / expressive, not that the way that i draw is particularly emotive) and i like when people like it / read it as Expressively as intended, i guess i’m proud? like, mission accomplished.......oh wait yeah and damn when i practiced ballet for like a whole decade i was proud of being good at that i guess cuz yknow, Effort, same as with drawing lol i’ve been doing it for a hot minute, i can be proud of those results.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

i wasn’t very Online as a kid b/c we had the one computer w/ a dialup connection & just like, whenever i was using the computer lots it was Pc Games......didn’t rly be on the Net much until Late ‘08.......

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

i’ve said latkes but you know who really supports me recently is a Whole potato i just scrub off and microwave and cut up and throw some salt n peppy and Shedd’s Spread uponst. like thank you so much for these nutrients and easy preparation, Staple Food

89. who would you put before everyone else?

hmph i don’t like, like, this Pyramid Tiering of everyone in your life with these higher and lower Levels of mattering-to-youness. i mean yeah sure i think we agree that it’s generally the case that we have More casual acquaintances vs friends vs Close friends and so on, but like. why are we gonna accept this Concept where like “okay but What If you need to only pick One Person.” like we’re driverless cars who need to program ourselves about whose life we prioritize, are we gonna run over This pedestrian or That one, who’s Winningest in the “being important to us” game. like we’re not a parent and the house is on fire and which of our three children do we love the most? well like, whose bedroom is closest. which of them hasn’t already bailed out a window. what if our Favorite isn’t the one we’d help first cuz maybe someone needs our help more at some particular time. like what does this question even mean!!!! what is the purpose of asking it??? i don’t like the premise or accept it. and it smacks of [those Concepts surrounding ~romance~ which i also do not like or vibe with]. no b.a.e........i’d go all out for Friends or for People I’ve Never Met But Respect or for Strangers.......some ppl would not get my all-out effort lmao or will get my nah-i-won’t-lift-a-finger lol but that’s if they’re like reeeal shitty. but like why should we whittle down ppl’s Importance to us to like “okay but who’s the 1 the ONE person who you care MOST about” like goddamn why are we adopting this framework. like ideally we have a Community of ppl in our lives who have different relationships / roles / connections to us, and this is pretty complex and why even Think about like, well there *has* to be the One who you prioritize Most Every Time, and you need to Know who that is......like what does that mean. and you know like. maybe the people who are in your life most intimately aren’t always the ones who have the strongest Help/Support ties to you here......like relationships are complicated and varied and having a network of people is better than like the idea that we should be fine and thriving with [The ~Soulmate~] [the friends who are kinda important but pale in comparison to The Soulmate] [family?] [acquaintances] like well if you Would Die For This Person and They’d Die For You you guys are obviously set!! 

anyways i went off about it but i get mad about this stuff like. the stuff that feels like it’s even within 2 degrees of talking about those Soulmates and romantique notions like being incomplete or inherently unfulfilled without That One Special Someone. and even throwing the Romance out the window, why like, have your network of relationships put into a Tournament Bracket where you whittle down who matters most until the Champion emerges????? goddamn

[salavante]

Aesop 29 or the Helmsman

(I’ve drawn his floating head a lot, so here’s him with his hood up, which I draw less) Also formal apology because I think like maybe no more than four people who follow me play Destiny, so a couple things may sound a little esoteric. I’d suggest checking out the Ishtar Collective (links to offsite) if I refer to something unfamiliar. 

Full Name: Aesop-29

Gender and Sexuality: Male and Homosexual.

Pronouns: He/Him.

Ethnicity/Species: Exo, from the little crop of Destiny fancharacters that I have.

Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown factor. But Aesop was found by his Ghost in the middle of nowhere, in a southwestern state that I have not chosen yet. Arizona, Texas, Colorado and Southern California are all candidates. Aesop has just a little bit of a Texan accent. 

Guilty Pleasures: Aesop is trying to learn how to play guitar and is really bad at it, making him very shy and nervous about his attempts. Similarly, Aesop enjoys singing, but usually does it when no one else is around - because no one else has really heard him sing before, it is a well kept secret between him and his Ghost that he’s actually pretty good. I personally like to keep the list of music that he likes to the 50’s-60’s bracket to match the kind of retrofuturistic style that the Golden Age tech in Destiny has. We the viewer read it as being ‘old’, even if it’s much, MUCH older than we realize because the setting is far future. That’s really all that matters, that we recognize it as being antiquated. His favorite of the very small pool of albums he has access to are Marty Robbins’ “Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs” and Nancy Sinatra’s “Boots” and “Sugar”. Sojourn teases him about it and has thusly introduced him to the feeling of shame. He also likes drinking alcohol even if it doesn’t actually make him drunk. Sometimes he does it out of spite. Someone you don’t like? Pound his drink right in front of him and walk away.

Phobias: Aesop’s kinda agoraphobic - he feels trapped and panicked in enclosed areas with lots of people, can be overstimulated by large groups of people talking/making a lot of noise. This makes him mostly useless in large-scale conflicts. He has managed to curb some of this by being accompanied by Sojourn or Calico to areas or situations that are high risk (whether that means a combat scenario or just going to The City), but this can get squirrely because Calico doesn’t have a ghost anymore and if killed would die permanently, and Sojourn has a tendency to get worked up in a fight and leave him behind on accident. If everything goes well though, Aesop is perfectly functional fighting in the small group that is his fireteam - himself, Sojourn (exo warlock) and King (human titan). His ghost, Chanticleer, can also sometimes talk him down if he’s starting to spin up into a panic attack. It’s something that he wants to fix, but, existing within the confines of your anxiety is a cold comfort that he indulges in. In general, he’s a very anxious person with a lot of existential dread, but he puts on a clownish, brazen act and hopes people don’t notice.

What They Would Be Famous For: Honestly, probably something very mundane, like breaking a dopey Guinness-style record or something like that. The entire point of Aesop is that he is very average in his skills in a world of blisteringly powerful space wizards and the like. I find his challenges are more about what goals he sets for himself and if those goals conflict with the status quo. Does his worth need be defined by how good he is at killing things vs. is the pursuit of personal wellness and happiness selfish in the context of a world fighting for its survival. Can these things coexist. etc.  

What They Would Get Arrested For: Probably something relatively benign done for the sake of pulling a dangerous stunt in the name of fun or looking cool. If he was a regular ass human in a normal modern setting, probably taking a nice vintage car for a joyride.

OC You Ship Them With: Aesop will have a love interest in the comic canon, but I’m gonna keep that under my hat for awhile yet. It’s not Cayde though, Cayde is dad. If Amanda Holliday was a man, he’d be utterly and entirely in love, but, alas. He’s still infatuated with her platonically though, and thinks she has pretty much the coolest job in the world. A promise of visiting her is a good way to entice him into going to The City.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: When death is not a factor, this becomes less of an issue, hah. Aesop and his bff Sojourn have killed each other a number of times in training, to an almost nonchalant degree. Aesop has also been killed much more in training, by his fireteam’s resident titan, King. Aesop will also find a rival in a local Fallen pike gang, the leader of which has the placeholder name of Easy Rider. I also have a Cabal villain I am throwing around and trying to decide if they’ll stick, but I need to do a lot more work and research on that. They’re my least favorite enemy type mechanically, but I think they could make perfectly acceptable antagonists in a narrative. 

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Aesop does not read. He can, he just doesn’t. I think maybe, MAYBE, someone could get him to read comic books, but those aren’t very sturdy and I feel like the amount of intact physical copies at this point would be almost nothing. The pool of movies and media that he has available to him are very sparse, but he absolutely drowns himself in spaghetti westerns, and would probably also like trashy action movies if they were available to him. I also think he would like Grease, HAHA. It has cars and guys in leather jackets singing in it. He’d also probably like any kind of rustic, western themed musical. And anything with cars in it would have his immediate interest no matter how bad it is, but he’d zone out in any parts he doesn’t like. 

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: To be honest I think most of the time, movies are a little too long for him and lose his interest partway through. He has a really short attention span and anything too long, complicated or artsy will lose him and he’ll start being fidgety and chatty and start making his boredom everyone else’s problem. Even if there’s a movie he likes, if there’s a part that’s boring to him, he zones out. He probably watches the same 2-3 movies over and over again, which is fine because his available library of media is probably really small. I like to think that they probably have movies in some kind of archive that they put up publicly in The City every once in awhile, like they have a projector that puts it on the side of a building and people just bring chairs and shit. Aesop has an aforementioned fear of crowds but he probably does some hunter parkour bullshit and perches somewhere at a healthy distance to watch from afar, as long as it’s something he thinks he would like. If he doesn’t he gets up and leaves.

Talents and/or Powers: Aesop seems to have an interest in vehicles, but due to a bet with his mentor, Calico, he has not actually been taught how to drive a Sparrow and so pines for them from afar. As said, he’s learning how to play an instrument, and if we want to be technical, is a Gunslinger speced Hunter with the Golden Gun super. He is very bad at being stealthy, as he is very impatient and is also a little bigger than the average exo. He’s just kinda tall and wide and tends to clunk around. If his Ghost Chanticleer wasn’t as clever as she was, Aesop would probably be perma-dead by now.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s kind of a dumbass and a space cadet but has the potential to be very sweet, and the people he cares about, he latches on to really hard. Similarly, when set to a task he cares about, he does not quit. Unfortunately, many of his goals are unresolved, but it does not mean that he will stop trying. If he were to, say, become romantically interested in someone, he would go to great lengths to connect with him, even if it meant doing things Aesop himself may not like. In specific circumstances, Aesop may find that he has a great capacity for nurturing and bringing out the best in other people, a talent Aesop himself undervalues. Though he’s not all that intelligent, Aesop is very reflective and existentially inquisitive, and thinks about a lot of big picture stuff that other people might push aside in an era of crisis. Though he may not understand science or the way the world works in a mechanical sense, he is awed by it, and is a great appreciator of natural beauty. He’d cry at a particularly beautiful sunrise, if he could cry. I’d say he could be described as having a romantic soul.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: To be honest, Aesop has trouble establishing empathy with people he doesn’t know very well, and so is less invested in Earth’s plight than he probably should be (it would not be hard for Dead Orbit to sway him to their views). This makes some people think that he doesn’t take his charge seriously, and they also usually assume that he’s a slacker because he’s plateaued in his abilities so early. Really, Aesop is acutely socially anxious, can have panic attacks in large crowds, and generally prefers to stay away from The City unless he needs to go there, and so has a big emotional disconnect from it. Calico and Chanticleer have tried to get him more accustomed to groups, but has been thusfar mostly unsuccessful. His insecurity and anxiety also cause him to pull odd, dangerous stunts to prove his worth, making him unreliable and impulsive. He can bungle social interactions rather spectacularly, and is easily goaded into doing really stupid shit. Really, he is a person who may just be “too much” for some.

How They Change: Oooooghhh….I can’t talk about this. I forgot how frustrating it is to not be able to talk about things because you’re going to make a comic out of it. Suffice it to say he’s gonna change a lot.

Why You Love Them: I think Aesop encapsulates a lot of anxieties I have post-college. Aesop is a person in transition who is unsure of his future, knowing only that he can’t quit now, because quitting means failure and failure means death. Because he is in transition, he is anxious about forming relationships with people, worried that either he will be left behind by them, or that they won’t like him when he’s “finished” becoming a person. I think he has a complex relationship with his personhood and sense of self. I dunno, I think that’s an interesting anxiety for a protagonist to have. I am also interested to see what Aesop will end up contributing to his society/organization and his interpersonal relationships, and if he’ll be happy with it. I’ve put a lot of work into him, the ‘original Aesop’ I had in mind might as well be a completely different character now. Aesop was originally a little cameo that I did in our TTRPG game, Godslaughter, because my boyfriend had put a dunmer cameo character into our game and I wanted to return the favor. Then he made a sheet for him. Then I decided to keep him around, then I decided to play Destiny 2, then I decided I loved it, lol. There is still a version of Aesop in the TTRPG but he is so incredibly different, they may as well be different characters. We refer to him as “Bad Aesop” but should probably call him something more dignified (we won’t).

[tisfan]

What Happens at the Beach House, Part IV

Title: Falling for Your Boyfriend, Idiot Creator: @tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: O5 - Romantic Gestures Ship: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes Rating: teen Major Tags: eavesdropping, Howard Stark’s A+ parenting, romantic gestures, romance Summary: Well, no one said Howard was going to be at the beach house. Tony hears a little more than he was intended to… and maybe, just maybe, what happens at the beach house is going to go home with them. Word Count: 2,308 Created for @mcukinkbingo

A/n - title from one of the quotes in What Happens in Vegas, which is a truly horrible movie, and this is mostly in no way based on that film. Also this author would like to confess to watching entirely too many bad romcoms. But I think everyone knew that already.

What Happens at the Beach House | Stays at the Beach House | Rules of the Road | Falling for Your Boyfriend, Idiot

Bucky was gone by the time Tony got out of the shower -- and maybe he’d lingered there for a while, hiding under the running water until even his mother’s water heater had given up the ghost and started to cool off. The last day at his mom’s beach house, they were going to be packing up and Happy would drive them back to campus, Tony supposed, after lunch.

It wasn’t normal that Bucky was gone already. He’d always waited for Tony before, even on the days when Tony was determined to sleep through lunch, Bucky would pull out a book and read, or watch videos on his phone.

Yeah, okay, so Tony might have been getting a little tired of the act. It was harder and harder to remember as the days went by that he was going to have to give this up once they got back to school.

It wouldn’t matter. A little distance at the end of vacation, Mom would think it was just vacation ending blues. She used to tell him when he was younger that she felt the same way. Howard was different, she would say, away from the business, away from his workshop and office. And that she was always a little sad to leave.

Tony had always thought she was full of it; even when he was too young to recognize what, exactly, she was full of. Howard wasn’t any different on vacation than he was at home. He was always obsessive, greedy, needy, jealous bastard. Just, on vacation, he was focused on Mom, and at home, he was focused on work.

If Tony was screwing up, then he moved from last on Howard’s priority list to somewhere in the top 10, but never higher than five, Tony had decided.

Even a colossal Tony screw up never rated of any more concern than that.

Tony had long ago decided that if the house was on fire, Howard wouldn’t remember he had a son until it was too late to rescue him.

Thinking about Howard always turned Tony’s stomach. He’d have skipped breakfast entirely, except he knew if he didn’t get his morning coffee, he’d have a terrible headache in an hour or so.

Bucky might be done with breakfast already and they could spend the day avoiding each other. Probably. Maybe.

That turned Tony’s stomach too, and he started wondering if the headache was worth it. If he didn’t have to see Bucky, then he didn’t have to see Bucky ignoring him.

Tony decided that coffee was the thing; he’d at least grab a cup.

His brain pinging back and forth between Howard and Bucky, and both people ignoring him, he almost walked right past Howard’s study -- even at the beach house, they had an office for Howard -- without noticing there were voices from within.

Almost.

He paused, because--

(more under the cut)

“... funny that I never heard a peep about you until he came into a fortune,” Howard said.

Tony’s stomach dropped and took up refuge somewhere around his toes. Howard was here? No one had told him that Howard was expected. He leaned closer to the door, eyes narrowed.

“Did he?” That was Bucky, his voice not quite casual. “Good for him.”

“Mmmm,” Howard hummed thoughtfully. “How did you two meet?”

“Couple years ago,” Bucky said -- and that wasn’t right, they’d only met last year, during a class, “I was running the projector for a moviefest the science fiction club was hosting. Tony was there, I think he came to see Flash Gordon or something, but he fell asleep. I didn’t even know he was there, but when I was cleaning and packing up, I dropped the projector. Woke him up cussing because I’d broken it, and I didn’t have the money to replace it. Tony barely opened his eyes, got up, fixed the projector -- you know he carries a screwdriver around with him everywhere he goes? -- and wandered off before I could even say thank you. I didn’t know his name for another month, I think?”

Tony barely remembered that; he sort of remembered the film festival, but not doing repairs to an ancient projector, or talking with Bucky. Huh.

“Anyway, I guess we were introduced to each other, we were lab partners for Pym’s molecular bio class,. We were friends for a while; he helps me out with my car. I’ve been coaching him with his language and literature classes.” Bucky chuckled. “He, uh, he reads really fast, but he doesn’t always grasp metaphors and stuff. Makes writing lit papers difficult. He’s so cute, you know, he’ll pace around the room and be like, ‘no, the curtains are just blue, it doesn’t have to mean anything!’”

Now that, Tony remembered. The only reason he’d passed second year comp at all was because Bucky talked him through, silver-spoon feeding him, all the Christianity references in Villette. There were a lot.

“Helps you with your car? Makes the payments?”

“Huh? No,” Bucky said. “I own that car. She’s just, you know, kinda old. Tony likes playing with the engine anyway, so he’s been helping me with maintenance and stuff. You know the dealership wanted two grand to replace the sway bar? Tony did it in twenty minutes with a ten dollar part. And he’s fast. I told him he should try to get a spot on a NASCAR driver’s pit crew. He’d be a natural.”

Tony had to clap his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. That would piss Howard off to no end, really. Bad enough Tony wasn’t majoring in business, wasn’t going to the school Howard wanted, was instead wrapped up in studying mechanical engineering, but not to go into the business at all, to be a dirty, grimy mechanic? Howard would chew nails and spit staples before he’d let that happen.

Bucky was a pretty good driver; Tony wondered if they could run away together and live off the winnings from track races.

Not, he thought, shaking himself all over, that Bucky wanted to run off with Tony to begin with.

And what the hell was Howard grilling him about anyway. Why the fuck was Howard even here?

His parents weren’t quite divorced yet; they’d seperated about six months ago, but Howard kept trying… Tony was pretty sure he was going to wear Mom out eventually. Maria Stark had about as much backbone as an earthworm, and Howard was pretty stubborn when he wanted something.

Tony had inherited all that stubbornness, and some of the backbone issue. He had a hard time standing up to Howard, even when he really, really wanted something.

“Would you be interested in a new car?” Howard speculated.

“Not really,” Bucky said. “I, uh, my insurance premiums are only like seventy dollars a month right now. If I gotta put collision and the value of a new car on top of that, no thank you. I’m making do, and Tony’s keeping her running.”

“Something could be arranged to take care of that,” Howard suggested. “You like race cars? Chevy’s got a really nice Corvette this year, we could cover the insurance for a few years, at least until it drops a bracket.”

Tony could almost see the dubious expression on Bucky’s face. “What are you getting at?”

“Look, I’ll square with you, kid,” and there came Howard’s showman’s voice, the I’m going to talk you into anything tones. “Tony’s being a thorn in my side. I built up Stark Industries from an idea in a garage, and I need him to stop messing around and put in some work so we don’t lose the company. This… engineering and fixing cars stuff, that’s just a distraction. Just… like you are a distraction.”

“I’m not quite following you, Mr. Stark,” Bucky said, but he sounded suspicious, like maybe he did.

Tony was half tempted to barrel in there before Howard could say something irrevocable. Or before Bucky could.

The rest of him wondered, exactly, what Howard thought he was doing.

And what Bucky was going to do about it.

“All of this,” Howard said. “This is what he needs to be thinking about, what he needs to be doing. And right now, everything’s going his way. He’s got school that he’s frittering time away with, and a boyfriend and all that.”

“And you, what? Aim t’ make him unhappy enough to do what you want?” Bucky sounded very unimpressed. “You know I don’t see him giving up on school just because we’re not dating anymore. He throws himself into work when he’s unhappy. You should see him every time he comes back to school after break. He’ll do it just to spite you.”

“Yeah, I think I know my son a little better than you do.”

Do not, do not, do not, Tony thought, like a recalcitrant toddler. That was one of Howard’s biggest problems. He didn’t know his family at all. He barely understood his wife, he had no idea what his son was like.

“I’m still waiting for what your proposal is,” Bucky said. “Because this conversation is going around in circles. You wanna just lay it on the table?”

“I’d like you to break things off with Tony,” Howard said.

“This may well be the first time I got a you’re no good for him talk from someone’s parents,” Bucky said, thoughtfully. “So, hit me with what’s in it for me.”

“I understand what you think you’re getting out of Tony,” Howard said.

“No, sir, I really don’t think you do,” Bucky said.

“You think he’s a meal ticket, that he’s a steady rush of wine and dine,” Howard carried on, as if he hadn’t heard Bucky at all. “And you know and I know that college relationships don’t last. You’re a man of the real world, Barnes. Not like Tony, with his head in the clouds. So, let me just skip to the good part. I will cut you a check for fifty thousand dollars.”

Tony almost fell over; he had to cling to the doorframe as his knees went weak.

“Why does this sound like a proposal you’ve made before,” Bucky wondered. “Did you offer that girl a similar deal? Because Sunset dropped Tony like he was a hot brick.”

“Bain was reasonable,” Howard said. “Think what it could mean, Barnes, starting out your career without debt.”

Tony considered bursting in, now. Howard had paid Sunset to dump him? Painfully, letting Tony catch her with another guy? That was… that was fucking low, and Tony wasn’t sure why the hell he was surprised. Not that Sunset was the kind of person that Tony wanted to be with, if she could be paid off so easily.

“I think you don’t know the first thing about Tony,” Bucky was saying, and Tony dragged his attention back to his eavesdropping. “I think you don’t appreciate what you’ve got. Tony has money, but you know what? I don’t care about that. I care that he’s smart. I care that he’s clever. I care that his face lights up when he’s discussing engineering, and how he believes that the rules of physics don’t necessarily apply to him. I love the way his eyes crinkle up when he’s happy. And I don’t think there’s enough money in the world to break his heart for you.”

“It won’t last,” Howard said. “I’ve watched him be unable to maintain friendships. He forgets that the real world exists. He forgets to shower, wears dirty clothes, forgets to eat or sleep. He gets lost in his workshop, and then by the time he remembers that other people are real, they’re gone. You’ll end up without him, no matter what. I’m just offering to make it nice and convenient, and on your own timetable. With a sizeable incentive.”

“I think you’re a bastard,” Bucky said. “And now I won’t do it just to goddamn spite you.”

“You’re being foolish,” Howard snarled, all the charm dropping out of his voice.

“Maybe so,” Bucky said. “But being in love makes fools of all of us, doesn’t it, Mr. Stark?”

Tony let his hand drop off the door, backed up a few steps.

It didn’t make sense.

Why wouldn’t Bucky just take the money? He and Tony weren’t actually dating, the money was just a bonus on what was going to happen as soon as they got back to school anyway.

Bucky’d sounded very sincere.

Being in love makes fools of us all…

Tony stopped dead in the hallway.

What?

Bucky slammed the door to Howard’s study open, ready to storm out of the room, then, “Take your hands off me,” he snapped angrily. “I said-- oh, Tony.”

Whatever Howard was ready to say was bitten off behind his teeth as he followed Bucky out into the hall and saw Tony standing there, probably looking like an idiot, gawking.

“Oh, hey, Bucky,” Tony said, wildly, trying to sound nonchalant and probably missing the mark by a mile. “I was looking for you, did you want to, you know, go for a walk, since we’re leaving right after lunch and this’ll be the last opportunity?”

“Yeah, baby,” Bucky said, still glaring at Howard. “That sounds like it’d be great. Let’s go that.”

He was at Tony’s side in a moment, gripping Tony’s arm a little harder than he probably meant to, fingers digging into Tony’s bicep in a painful clench.

“Hi, Dad,” Tony said, waving. “Bye, Dad.”

Howard just stood there, fist clenched.

Probably Howard didn’t think it was worth the effort to assault someone who wasn’t a family member. Although he might reconsider it. Howard had really good lawyers.

“Let’s go,” Bucky said under his breath, not looking back. His shoulders were stiff and Tony was getting a sore jaw, listening to the way Bucky was clenching his teeth.

“Yeah, let’s… let’s do that.” 

[esthersnippe]

Becoming a Digital Nomad: A quick and dirty guide to UpWork

(My “office” on the Isla of Flores in Guatemala)

Freelancing is one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. 

Although now I have moved off of freelancing and am more of an independent contractor, I still pick up a few freelancing projects ever quarter.

Because it is simply a great way to make money. Loads of people are leaving their office and opting for something more flexible: according to the FreshBooks Self-Employment Report, potentially 27 million Americans will leave the traditional work in favor of self-employment by 2020. This shift would triple the current population of full-time self-employed professionals bringing the total number of workers to 42 million.

And that’s just in the US, imagine what these figures look like globally.

I’m guessing if you are here reading this, we’ve talked about it already and I have sent you the link, so you are pretty sold: but let’s review:

You choose your hours. No bosses saying “You’re ten minutes late!” or having to suffer through another 8-hour shift that just never seems to end. You pick when you work. If you are hungover and can’t bring it to the table: that’s your call. (But warning: you will not get the money if you don’t work.) 

You choose your projects. After the first couple projects (which is a bit of a mad and dirty dash, I am afraid) you get to start to get choices. Storytime! Once I was working for this American Museum Tour company. At first, they were loads of fun, and they even flew me to New York City multiple times, and I got a paid trip to Switzerland. Things were great, until the point they weren’t. Then I began to hate it with the passion of a thousand suns. So one day, I just quit. The next day, I found another project, and they paid me more money, and were a better company. It was bloody easy. Stop suffering. Pick a project you like and only stick with it until/if you stop liking them.  (Note: I have been with the new client for 3 years, and they are still a dream to work with.) 

You get paid real money. There is this idea that if it happens on the internet, maybe there is something sketchy about it. This could be true in some cases: but in this case, you get actual money (ok, sometimes it is in a different currency then the country you are living in, but you can turn it into your currency) that goes into your actual bank account and you can actually buy and pay for things. For sitting at home.  Doing stuff on your laptop. 

You can learn new stuff on the job. I definitely didn’t start out with all the skills I have now. I started off as a modest internet researcher, and through time, worked my way up to having this whole jetpack of skills that clients not only want, but need. Don’t feel daunted about not being able to do everything right away. Start with a good project, and be a sponge. Learn as much as you can, because these skills are valuable (remember the part about making real money?) 

You can go anywhere in the world. As long as they have wifi, and your clients are ok with you being in a different timezone? You can go anywhere. Since working as a freelancer, I have travelled to, get this, 30 countries. Screw waiting around for a two-week vacation. Go see the world. And make some money while you do it.

Now, here comes the part where I bring that excitement down to a reasonable level.

There are some hard truths about freelancing I am going to be frank about.

The first is that it is real work. You’ve got to be dedicated and you absolutely have to have a rock-solid work ethic. If you don’t, you will not get very far, because this is not the kind of job you can “float by” on. People will drop you like a hot potato the second you stop performing. And there is no safety net. You will have to hustle your own projects for the first bit: people will not be chomping at the bit to get you. In fact, they will probably, most like, almost definitely ignore you for the most part. There are literally 12 million users on UpWork: if you aren’t hustling, you aren’t going anywhere. Apply for ten positions a day. Get up at 4am for a Skype interview. Be charming af. Follow up, then follow up again. Don’t let them forget you, and if they don’t hire you, ask why and then get better. You’ve got to get your own work. Lastly, you are probably not going to make mad money right away. The money is there, and you can have some of it, but you are probably going to have to do a bit of grunt work first, and I am talking up to 2-3 months at a low rate. But keep at it. There is a bunch of money and magic at the top of the mountain.

Still with me?

Ok. Let’s get into it.

Why UpWork?

So, when I first started freelancing, I signed up for a few different Freelancing websites that were around at the time: oDesk, Elance and Freelancer.   There were others I looked at, like Toptal and Fivrr. But I couldn’t see how people could make actual money to pay bills on Fivrr, but didn’t have high enough skills or experience for Toptal.   I got work within a few weeks of signing up for oDesk, and after seeing the cut that Freelancer was taking after one project, stuck with oDesk. oDesk merged with Elance, they changed their name to UpWork, and here we are.  

That being said: I love UpWork. At one point, one of my clients asked me if we could leave UpWork, and he would pay me directly. I agreed. That is $1000 I will never get back. He was a nice guy, but at that moment, I was screwed over, and there was nothing I could do. UpWork protects you from that happening. 

Secondly, with the sheer amount of freelancers on the site: clients are simply drawn to UpWork. They aren’t just looking for the cheapest: they are looking for the variety.

Note: I am not longer using UpWork, and work 100% on my regular clients and referrals. But there is no way I would have gotten there, or gotten so many skills, without UpWork, so I still think it is the best place to start.

Setting up your profile

Here are three great articles on how to set up a great profile:

Enhance Your Upwork Freelancer Profile for Greater Success

How to Create an Upwork Profile That Gets You Clients, FAST

Sample: Profile

I am not going to rewrite what they’ve said. Because that is a waste of time (hurray for understanding time management!)

But here are my top 6 tips:

Upload a profile picture where you look good. I mean real good. Don’t be an a** about it either. Clean, professional, and hot. That’s all. No party hats or dogs or sunglasses or duck-facey, off camera looks.

Pick 5 skills. Even though they let you have 10: be clear about what you can and want to do. Now, on the topic of skills: you do not need a journalism degree to be a writer. Or a photography degree to manage an Instagram account. Think about the kinds of things you like. Are you a grammar nut? Put those skills to work as an editor. Do you speak multiple langauges fluently? Become a translator. Do you love spreadsheets? That is a freaking skill, (wo)man! Are you generally a happy-go-lucky, I-can-get-shit-done kind of person? Be someone’s personal virtual assistant. You do not have to be defined by what you’ve already done, focus on what you like to do.  

Watch out for typos. I was hiring for this client once, and found a woman who was amazing. We had a skype interview and I was ready to sign on the dotting line, but at the last minute, my client looked at her profile and found a typo and said “No.” Simple as that. I was gutted, because she was really fantastic. Have someone proofread your profile, because it’s that easy for potential clients to move on to the next person.

Don’t worry about tests. Very few clients look at them. Or care. Even if you are in the top 5%. They are nice, but also, kind of a waste of time. 

Fill in your profile so that your bar goes up to 100%. Just do it. I know it’s work, but you’ll get more clients.

Set a reasonable rate for how long you’ve been on the site. Yes, I know you’d love to be paid $50 and hour, but if you’ve got zero experience or hours, you are not going to get clients. Honestly, start at $7-$10 an hour. Then after your first 100 hours, you can bump your rate up to what you think you should be getting. Why 100 hours? Because it puts you in a different search category: a better one. Wait...what are these search categories? Well, when a client is looking for someone, this is what it looks like:

See that massive jump in the number of  Freelancers (the bracket number) on the “Hours Billed” section? That means your competition decreases by more than half, and you can start to get more choosy about your gigs. 

On getting hired

Remember that thing I said about hustling? Yep. You’ve got to do that.

But here are some more tips.

Apply, apply, apply. Then apply some more. I don’t even know how many proposals I wrote in those first few weeks, but it was a lot. And here’s the thing, you can’t cheat. You’ve got to read the position, and write to them personally. All the low-end people cut and paste and never move ahead. Put some soul into it, especially at first.

Start small (I mean cheap): Although your insides might be screaming “I AM BETTER THAN THAT.” take 1-3 low paid one-off projects. Get a five-star rating and use it to propel yourself to the next freelancer level.

In the interview process: be as attentive as possible. This means responding right away to messages, and being available for interviews even if the hours are weird (remember the 4am comment? Yeah, I did that once). Follow up with them, and then follow up again. Be impressive.

On working as a freelancer

Wow! Have you gotten a gig? Good job! You rock! From here on in you are kind of a free agent, and it is between you and your client, but here are some tips.

Get really good at online communication. This means responding to emails quickly, and being clear. This means if at any point you don’t understand what your client wants: you ask them before charging them for work they didn’t need or want or is incorrect. Give them your email, Facebook and Skype, and ask them how their team communicates (Google Hangouts? Slack? Basecamp *gulp*) then be there.

Download the time tracker and stick to working when you are working. It takes three seconds to turn off the tracker, check your Facebook, and then turn it on again. But once you get a screen grab of you hanging out on Facebook, it looks bad. Also, I have come to suspect (from being caught more than once) that UpWork automatically looks for you slacking off, ie. Facebook.

Get your hours in. If they have given you hours, they expect the work to be done. Coming back without the work done with excuses and worse, not having filled up your hours? Bad. Remember the thing I said about them dropping you like you’re hot? Get the work done in the hours they’ve given you, or talk with them and discuss with them why you need fewer hours. That is far better than simply coming up short.

Getting good feedback is important. Even if this means swallowing your pride from time to time. Here is what they are going to rate you on: 

But wait: why is there public feedback and private feedback? Well, you know how you’ve got that job success thing on the side of your profile?  Over time, you get secret points. Those secret points work up to you being featured higher when the clients use the search tool. Also, you’ll get some cool perks in the future, like the Premium Freelancer program.

Lastly, and most importantly: GETTING PAID So, I have to be honest here. I have never fully figured out the timing of the payments. It goes through my PayPal, and whenever it hits a $1000 of earning, it goes into my bank account. There is a bunch of information here though. If you’d like to talk to me privately about payments (ie. Taxes and other trickier areas) feel free to message me.

I hope this gives you enough to get started. As I said before, freelancing is an amazing option if you are done with the office and dream about doing something slightly more, slightly different and have the gumption to do it. If you have any questions, want me to review your profile, or just want to talk more about freelancing— shoot me off a message, I love helping people get one step closer to freedom, be that fiscal or philosophical.

PS. Here is the list of countries I’ve been to while working as a freelancer: Austria, Belarus, Belize, Canada, Costa Rica, Croatia, Czech Republic, El Salvador, England, Faroe Islands, France, Guatemala, Germany, Honduras, Iceland, Lithuania, Mexico, Netherlands, Nicaragua, Norway, Panama, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Spain, Switzerland, Ukraine, United Kingdom, and the United States.

[spectraspecs-writes]

@troodon17​ here’s that story bit, under the cut

btw anyone else reading, please let me know of any other trigger warnings I should add, I added all the ones I could think of

I copied this from my notes, so obviously it still has notes to myself. In my document they’re colored blue, but I’m on the desktop so i can’t do that here without a lot of effort, so I just put the strikethrough through it, they are also in brackets. (In case I missed any.)

Note, David’s got a lot of internalized homophobia and it really affects his self esteem, so hence the repeated “queer!” because he gets very upset at himself for thinking gay thoughts. So he’s trying very hard to stay in the closet because he’s convinced people will hate him, and... gah, i love this so much. 

Now, as for the name. They weren’t Blair Wizards at first, but they did like the name Blair and David was the lead guy, so they kept tossing around all these variations with Blair. They’re at a bar - this is great. David is trying to work out “how to be straight”, because besides having absolutely no idea how to imply sex around women, he’s just a polite guy who doesn’t know how to flirt at all.

David started over at the bar, watching a man (who looked a little cute, maybe QUEER okay, maybe not) talking to a woman. He was leaning up against the bar, facing her, and she was sitting sort of daintily on the stool, seemingly listening intently. David could sort of hear him - “Let me buy you a drink.” He couldn’t tell what she said, but the man sat down next to her, with this charming smile and this sort of… was it sexy? look in his eyes. Not sexy like… ooh yeah sexy face I should be in movies, but more like “yes, sex me, lady.” (Yes, David, that was so smooth, exactly what he was trying to say.) [Bruh, you are so sassy even to yourself. I don’t know if I can take this, man. David, your descriptions.] Then it seemed like he was talking about himself for a little while, and then David saw the woman uncross her legs and cross them the other way. She leaned on the bar on her arm. Then the man said, “Hey, you wanna get out of here?” And they both stood up and left. The woman had a sort of sway in her walk. Were they… yeah, probably, you awkward duck. Great, that phrase of your sister’s is now firmly in your vernacular. Wonderful.

“Dave!” Kit clapped her hands in his ear and he turned to look at her. “Are you even here right now?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” David said hastily, “I was…” He made a motion with his hand like his brain had left his head. “Sorry, I just… zoned out.”

Greg chuckled. “Yeah, you were looking at a girl, right?” he said rhetorically.

“Greg, I was…” David started to deny it. But wait! You have to look straight, otherwise they won’t like you anymore, you fucking queer. He smiled a little. “Yeah, you got me.” he said. Then he added awkwardly, “Spying me some ass.” You awkward duck. [Jesus, David, you are an awkward duck. I was shaking my head at that phrase before but there is no better way to describe you. Perfect. Flawless.]

“Yeah, I knew it, you dog!” Greg exclaimed. He wrapped his arm around David’s shoulder and they both looked towards the bar. “Which one was it, the blonde or the red head?”

Fuck I wasn’t actually looking at one. What the shit do I do? Which one would be sexier to a straight guy? Shit, the blonde actually looks like my sister, if I say that is it weird? ��Just answer, you fuck, before he gets suspicious. “The red head,” David answered finally. Yeah, and that weird looking mole on her back. Why the hell did she wear a dress without a back? [David, I can’t handle this. This is getting to be too much. You are just… This is all coming from the guy who later uses words like “fabulous” with the accompanying hand gestures and is determined to please Mallory and Aaron, and yet this is all still perfectly in character. You are just so goddamn sassy.]

“Ooh,” Greg said, and he had a pale imitation of the other man’s sexy face on his own. “Go talk to her, man, I think you’ve got a chance!”

“No, Greg, no,” David said, shaking his head and smiling, “No, we’re working here, we’re doing band stuff.”

“Yes, and you were so involved in that a minute ago,” Kit said sarcastically.

“Yeah, man, go talk to her,” Montrell chimed in supportively.

“Go!” Greg said.

So, slightly nervously, David stood up and went over to the bar. Great, they can’t hear me here. Maybe I can just act like I’m talking to her and then later go tell them she turned me down. Yeah, great idea. He went up to the bar and ordered another of his drink. Then he thought, Wait a minute. Are you ever going to have this sort of opportunity again to practice being straight? Maybe she does turn you down - fine, you don’t want to fuck her anyway. What are you going to do, though, if she wants to “get out of here”? Like the guy earlier. Well, what’s the chance of that? I mean, she probably says no anyway, right? “And another one for her,” he said confidently, “On me.”

The red head looked him over with a small smile. Not a polite one like he usually got, but more… interested? “Thanks,” she said. Her voice was sort of deep. Still feminine, but not squeaky or really high up like any of the girls he’d heard before, or even like Kit’s. Just kind of low. (Mr. Rhodes had called that an alto, hadn’t he? Jesus, David, you awkward duck, why the hell are you thinking about vocal ranges right now? Who’s even to say she sings any?) “Aren’t you gonna sit down?” she asked.

Fuck fuck play it off play it cool. “Just waiting to be invited,” David said smoothly, and he sat on the stool.

“Oh, a gentleman,” she said, sort of raising her eyebrow a little, “Haven’t met one of them in a while. Quite a rare breed.”

Do I even say anything to that? [My lack of experience is such an ally here. I honestly don’t know how David gets this off the ground. Talk about a wizard.] “Hi,” he said as the bartender set his drink down, “I’m David. David Blair.” He put out his hand for her to shake.

“Cassandra.” She shook it. “Ooh, that’s quite a lot of callouses there,” she commented, “What do you do with these hands?”

“I play guitar. That’s what I do, I’m a guitar player.”

“Oh, a musician,” she said, with a hint more intrigue sneaking its it way into her string-like voice, “How fast can you go?”

How fast can I go? That’s a weird question - what is she even looking for from me? But shit, don’t act confused. He raised his eyebrow sort of flexing it. “Pretty fast. Bit like van Halen.” There aren’t even that many callouses on my right hand - is she looking at my left, because that’s weird. Maybe from all that time I spent finger picking, I guess. Damn, this is weird.

“Mm,” she hummed softly, “I’d love to see what you could do for a woman.”

Shit, is she about to ask me if I want to get out of here? Shit fuck shit shit what the fuck do I do? Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kit leave. Greg, get up and follow her, just go. You too, Montrell, just get the fuck out of here because I am not going to fuck this girl. I can’t get it up for a girl QUEER! Shit, how long have I been quiet? And fuck, what do I say? “Yeah?” he said smoothly, not reflecting one ounce of the panic within, “What do you need to have done?”

She put her hand on his leg and leaned in sort of close. “Me…” she whispered. Fuck are they supposed to be this horny? Is this how it is for straight people? Is that why there are so many of them - girls are just so… eager? [yeah, this is a kind of easy transition and that’s why I’m going with it, but head cannon time, maybe she’s a lesbian trying to play straight, like David is but backwards. So she doesn’t know how this is supposed to go, either. But what about a less pleasant head cannon? She is a serial killer who kills men at climax. David’s gayness may have saved his life. What the shit, Brain? What is wrong with you? She dyes her hair red with the blood of her victims. No, God, shut up. That is just insane. yes, yes very insane. Go away…]

Okay, now, what do I do? Is this the right moment to…? “So,” he started, trying to mimic the other man’s sexy face, “you wanna get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” she said in a sort of sultry? voice, “Walk me home?”

“Glad to,” he said. Okay, maybe this is just going sort of gentlemanly what the fuck are you thinking you awkward fucking duck she’s going to want to sex you! Yes, David, that is the term for it. She got up from the stool and David followed her. He saw Greg make several weird… victory gestures, sort of. Yeah, okay, dude, just be careful I don’t steal all your weed or fuck with your guitar. I will get you back for this you fuck. She led David to her apartment, which wasn’t all that far, maybe a couple buildings down. “Well, she said, “this is me.” David sort of smiled and hoped to God this was the end of this. “You wanna come up?” she said. Fuck fuck you have to say yes.

“Sure,” he said, trying to keep up his straight facade. He walked up the steps and joined her. Her apartment was on the second floor. She unlocked the door and went in, then David went it.

She slammed the door closed behind him and pounded him against it, kissing him. Fuck how do they do it in the movies? What the fuck I don’t want to fuck her what the fuck do I do? He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her back, because what the fuck else am I supposed to do? He sort of massaged her head a little. Then she stopped for a brief moment, breathing heavily. “You got protection?” she asked.

“No…” Fuck what the fuck fuck fuck…

“Oh, fuck it, I’ve got some…” she said, and she resumed kissing him, “… in the bedroom.” Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and am I supposed to be breathing like that too? Well, I’m already panicking, so that’s just a different kind of adrenaline. Fuck fuck fuck…

She sort of pulled him further in and pulled his shirt off over his head. She turned him around and shoved him and suddenly he was on her bed. Fuck this is going to be just like that girl Dad told me to fuck isn’t it I’m going to be throwing up all night. Greg I’m going to fucking kill you! David felt sort of paralyzed, watching her as she wriggled out of her dress. It fell around her legs - fuck why is this woman not wearing a bra did she leave expecting this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… She climbed on top of David and unbuttoned his pants, kissing him. David could feel her breasts on his chest fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. “Come on, you sexy fuck, show me what those fingers can do!” she exclaimed. Woman you are NOT a guitar! She sort of took his hands and placed them on her hips. Oh fuck she wants me to undress her oh fuck fuck fuck. David wasn’t even sure how - he was trying to detach himself and not pay attention - but he ended up above her and her underwear was off. Maybe I can just try to appreciate her as a really well built guitar even though I don’t want to fuck a guitar that would actually hurt I mean, where would I put it? Between the strings? That’s… ouch. So he ran his hands up and down her curves yes, there’s the cutaway so I can play up on the 20th fret oh wait that’s not a fret fuck fuck that’s gross how is any man straight because this is just so fucking disgusting oh and fuck it’s wet is it supposed to do that fuck that’s gross! But she seemed to like it. “Oh, baby, yes, that’s magic!” she exclaimed loudly. [I’m imagining the neighbors - “Oh, look, Harold, Cassandra’s having sex again.” “The shameless hussy.” And then back to the evening news. And now I’m laughing even more.] [Furthermore, I want her to specifically say the word “wizard” but I think this is the only way I can do this.]

David stopped. Like he was frozen. He looked up at nothing. “Magic…” he said, like it were the most brilliant thing he’d ever heard. “That’s it. Magic.” Hastily he stood up and zipped his pants. “Thank you,” he said to her, “You’ve been a big help. This was great.”

“But…” she said, confused.

“Thank you so much.” With his clean hand, he grabbed his shirt from the floor, pulled it on over his head, and left her apartment.

No wait, fuck was there a bathroom on the first floor because I am not going anywhere near my car with this… gross liquid… on my fingers, and I think I’m feeling nauseous so… There was! There was a bathroom on the first floor. Wash my hands, cough up this filth, and get on with my life. But then it was quick back down the street to his car. Good, Greg and Montrell are gone, good they won’t see me fuck I am not doing this again. Tell them you prefer to fly solo, peer pressure, you can’t flirt when they’re around, whatever shit they believe. He had to go talk to Kit. He had to tell her he finally had a name. Blair Witch! No, wait that was that weird horror movie in the 90s, wasn’t it? God, that movie was awful. Okay, what about Blair Wizard! But it’s not just me though, it’s more than one, what about Blair Wizards, with an “s”! Ha, the perfect name!

He dashed up the stairs to Kit’s apartment and hastily knocked on the door. “Kit?” he said loudly, “Kit?”

Kit opened the door and looked at David with tired eyes, her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. “I finally figured out the perfect name for the band. It’s perfect. I can’t believe we didn’t think of it right away.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked, and it was sort of muffled because the toothbrush was still in her mouth.

“it’s the best name ever. What do you think of ‘Blair Wizards’?” he said, breathing heavily from running up the stairs.

“You walked out on sex just to tell me this?” she asked in disbelief.

David breathed in, thinking for a moment. Fuck does she think I’m gay now? Fuck. “Yes,” he said. “Can I come in? I think I need some water.”

“What?” she said, “Yeah, yeah, come on.” She went back into her bathroom and spat out her toothpaste. “How’d you come up with that name?”

Do I tell her do I not tell her that feels out of weird, either way. “Just… came to me,” David said with a shrug as he got himself a glass of water from her sink.

“‘Cause if you got it from anyone we might have some copyright issues or something like that. Russ will be all over that.”

Well, she won’t be anything to worry about. She has no idea about this or how I’m using it. And she didn’t mean to give me the idea, so… “Nothing to worry about.”

“Well, it’s a good name. I like it,” she said, “So we’re all wizards. Neat. But since you’re the lead guy, I think you’ve got to really run with it.”

“Come on, Kit, Brendon Urie doesn’t make panicking or discos his bit. MCR doesn’t bring hazardous chemicals or lab coats on stage.

“You’re not Brendon Urie or MCR.” Kit came out into the main room and sat criss-cross on her couch. “Hate to break it to ya, Dave, but…”

David chuckled a little. He leaned on the wall and looked at her. “What are you thinking, though? I come out on stage looking like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice?”

“Not so much,” she yawned, “But maybe like a stage character or something. You know, like… oh, what was that band that killed Santa in concert?”

“No, yeah, I know what you mean,” David said, “So you’re thinking like a spectacle, make it a real show.” He bit his lip and looked down at his shoes, thinking. “I guess I could learn some quick magic tricks or something. Or maybe… What if I have a sort of costume on stage, and my guitar sort of mimics that? I could call myself the Wizard, have a bunch of magic references in the set and any songs I write.”

“Dave, that’s up to you. I on the other hand would like to go to sleep, please.” Kit said, “And you need to head out before Greg sees you here.”

“Right, yeah. See you tomorrow.” David started to leave, then he turned back. “Hang on, how did you know about Greg?”

“I’m smarter than you guys think.” She shook her head. “Good night.” She ushered him out the door and locked her door behind him. David went to the stairs and left.

[deeeelightfuldee]

How old are you?: 29

Do you plan on taking your husband’s last name if you ever marry?: yup

At what age did you get the sex talk?: I didnt lol. in all fairness, my mom was in the hospital ALL the time around that age with my dads brain tumors and surgeries, and my brothers epilepsy. so I went to the library and got some books and my friends were telling me stuff. 

What’s your favorite kind of alcohol?: like cider or something delicious and fruity

Do you know how to cook?: so so. i want to continue

Ever been in a near death situation? Explain: yes. 3x and honestly im not bout to go into those 

What is your biggest weakness?: oh man. oh man thats such a good question 

Do you live near the ocean?: loooooool no. not even a little bit.

Do you cry easily?: I never ever did until this stuff with K. anytime i really miss him i cry. How many kids do you want to have, if any?: i always wanted like a big ole family filled with love, but im getting older and no baby yet.

Where did you go on your last date?: ohhhh man, ok uhhh what is that restaurant called the brass tap

Are you a virgin?: Nope. which is not by choice. 

Do you smoke cigarettes?: No

What did you last dream about?: i had a dream bout K that he was tryin to wake me up

What do you think about long distance relationships?: yooooo they are hella hard work. you have to work so so so so hard at it. it can work, but its hard.

Have you ever been in the “friend zone”?: ummmmmmm, not to my knowledge

What’s your favorite animal?: all of them

Scene kids, opinions?: no opinions at all. you do you

How far out of your age bracket would you date?: 27-45 lol

Have you ever had an STD?: no

Have you ever intentionally harmed yourself?:

What’s in your pocket right now?: no pockets!

Are you currently barefoot?: yes

Eating or drinking anything? What?: ive been drinking a lot of water and i want way more but i will have to go to the basement to use the bathroom and that sounds so unappealing to do 4 flights of stairs rn.

Do you keep anything from a past relationship? (gifts, letters, etc): yes. I have a big ole tub from K and then I have a J box and a box from miscellaneous guys lol

Are you tan?: yes

How many siblings do you have? Names?: 3 siblings. 2 bros, 1 sis.

What would you do if you were pregnant now?: id be like well okay then.

Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Have you ever been in one?: lots of reason. a lot of poor mental health, poor self image, lack of resources, safety, children, etc.

How many piercings do you have?: each ear 

Does size really matter?: what are we referring to?

Have you ever tried pho?: no

What’s your favorite day of the week?: probs sat or fri

Do you know anyone who’s bipolar?: yes

Do you have a lot of emotional baggage?: i always felt like nah, i got this. but lately im like oh girl, no you do.

Describe the last party you went to. uhhh it was a birthday party for a nephew

Who knows how to cheer you up?: ummmmmmm lately no one but to be fair, everyone seems to think i’m 100% good rn

What are you wearing today?: I was wearing a neon orange tank top and black shorts

Will you kiss anyone within the next 24 hours?: no. i’m fairly confident thats a giant no.

[20thcentutygeek]

How 'Ted Lasso' helped me take a look at myself

Heads up there are a few spoilers for Ted Lasso season two in this blog.

The TV show Ted Lasso is an oddity. The concept isn’t something I should be interested in, and on paper it shouldn’t work. I’m not a fan of football in the slightest, and it being based on a series of comedy commercials, history tells us it should have become a series of shallow jokes about a fish out of water. It should have failed with the first season. However, it has become a phenomenon, and rightfully so. In a world divided, confused, and scared for the future comes a show that is willing to wear its heart on its sleeve and be a positive force.

That’s not to say it’s devoid of conflict or that its saccharine in its chirpy happiness. What makes Ted Lasso special is its honesty. Often when that term is used for a TV show, it’s a hard hitting drama about the worst life has to offer. While I appreciate those shows are important, showing a glimpse of how some people are forced to live, I do believe the incessant grimness has been a contributing factor in the global emotional and psychological decline. Oddly contributing to further despair, without providing suggestions for a solution.

I will acknowledge that Ted Lasso is about a football club and people that earn millions of pounds. However, it doesn’t dwell on rich people problems, or diminish the people that aren’t in the same tax bracket. The football and the money are barely a consideration or a factor in the show. Yes, they inform elements and the framing but at its heart its about people from very different backgrounds working together to raise each other up, and every week it raises me up to.

The show has covered a number of topics and themes, and I think there are great articles to be written about the portrayal of women in business, the complexity of relationships, grieving and creating a positive working environment. What I want to focus on is how it has broken down and helped me address my own toxic masculinity.

As I reach 40, I have taken a look back at my life and, like everyone else, there are things I know I could have done better at or dealt with differently. One of those things is my own relationship with my emotions and mental health. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and my fictional role models were action stars and superheroes who dealt in actions rather words. Greif was an opportunity for revenge and lashing out. If a wrong was identified in the world it was an opportunity to blow stuff up. There was no room for emotions. John Rambo starts by exploring his PTSD and trauma to then being dropped back into war for entertainment. Not great therapy, and the way to work through those pesky trauma nightmares was to kill more baddies.

In the 90s, during my teen years, I was swamped by Lad Culture. Get drunk and be loud, with a side of obnoxious. It was an extension of the 80s yuppie culture, work hard, play harder. I was pretty good at that. Over the years I became more worldly, and I like to think more balanced. I have had some hard lessons about how to manage and work with people. I have tried to be better and be a positive influence on people I know and work with.

I grew up with prejudices that I have addressed, and I’m embarrassed I ever held them, but somethings are harder to work on than others. My understanding and acceptance of the wider world, and the wonderful array of people that live In it, has always been tempered by how I have perceived myself and what I feel.

I have trouble with my weight and will often work ridiculous hours to get work done. I take on too much and when I get frustrated, I let it build up into anger. Then when things don’t work out, or I have too many plates spinning I get annoyed at myself for not being able to keep everything moving. This then results in the behaviour that contributes to my weight issues. It becomes a cycle. I know this, and have done for years, but to admit it, to let others know that I know this, would be the biggest failure. To admit that I can’t do any more, or that I have hit my limit when I know that others are under pressure as well is, as far as I have seen it, a sign of weakness, and so I carry on. Not wanting people to think less of me. I’m a man and I should be able to shoulder this burden. Just grab another snickers and knuckle down harder. During the pandemic this behaviour has been worse than ever.

But that may all be in the past.

Ted Lasso season two has made me stop and take a step back. Football clubs are often portrayed as hives of competition and alpha males. Ted Lasso has taken a different tact and shown how this team supports each other. In this season three elements have made me take stock.

Jamie Tart dealing with the pressure to succeed from his Father and supporters has been fascinating to watch. The internalisation of the fear of failure and the constant push for you to the be the sole winner of a team game struck home. The moment he punched out his Dad was stunning. A full stop moment. Yes, it was frustration spilling out, but it was not for him, it was for him as part of the team. A moment to say, ‘no more’ and I am part of this team, and they are there for me. The fact the punch was followed by a hug from Roy Kent was perfect. We often work as a team, in life and in work. within in that team we have responsibilities, but we are not responsible for the whole team. Be good at what you are good at and help the others to do the same and positive results are a lot more likely.

Let’s talk about Roy Kent. He should be the worst offender, but they have under-cut this perfectly and created a new modern role model. The curmudgeonly Roy has a life and reputation built on aggression and machismo. However, his arc has led him to become a great example of the ability and need to adapt and try new things, especially as we move from one stage of life to the next. His desire to change, adapt and learn for the people he loves is an inspiration. They are the people we need to be better for the most. I now stop an ask WWRFD: What Would Roy Fucking Do?

The most important is Ted and his anxiety attacks. His relationship with Dr Fieldstone has also made me question some of my own habits and what may have caused them. I’m not going to delve into my life story here (you can wait for the book J), but Ted discussing how the suicide of his father has shaped his approach to life and the emotional impact this has had, when he is forced to have to give up on things, stopped me in my tracks. The question I asked was, who am I trying to impress? What am I getting from the hours given up and why am I doing this? The waking up at 4am with anxiety isn’t a sign I care about my work, it’s a sign my work is damaging me. This isn’t something that I am going to address overnight, but these questions have started a chain reaction that has allowed me to stop and say, ‘Yes, I am struggling, and I need to take a breath’. What comes next I still need to figure out, but I know that I do need to figure it out.

Everyone behind Ted Lasso should be proud. Not only are they creating a funny show with heart, but they are also creating role models that show young (and some not so young) men, that being a man isn’t about being stoic, bearing the burden and keeping going. It’s not macho to just keep going and wash down the negativity. Being a man is about being a part of the world, being who you are, but knowing that we can all be better and being willing to explore ways of achieving that. It doesn’t mean the world and life will be easier, but it does mean that we don’t have to do it alone.

I’m heading into middle age, and I am scared of it. I am scared I won’t be able to keep up. I am scared that things are getting on top of me. I am scared that I won’t be relevant anymore. Ted Lasso came at the right time and has helped put some things in perspective for me. It’s fine to be sacred of these things, the world can be fucking scary, but its not helpful to keep those fears to myself. WWRFD? he’d begrudgingly talk to Keely, and they would work it out together, whether it’s easy or hard.

I’m about to be 40 and its time to make some changes.