#and managed some nibbles yesterday but know i need to try and ramp that up today if possible

[izzy-b-hands]

I may be on day two of being stuck in bed thanks to some of the ✨worst back pain I've ever had in my life✨, but the neighbours are outside grilling, the window is open a bit, and it smells so fucking good. I'm not even hungry rn, but I am v much enjoying the second hand good food smells.

[andguesswhat]

The fool on the hill - Chapter 7

Yeah, well… Probably not what you’ve expected…  But for me this is them as well…

The Clown and the Circus Bear

*

So everything had been perfect. 

Owen had felt genuinely happy. He thought Tom was fucking adorable, he wanted to kiss him, wanted to fuck him. 

The moment on the hill with him was definitely something he would always cherish, always remember. This deep feeling of affection combined with this immense tension, the thrill, this feeling that yes, the other felt the same, wanted the same…

And as fucking frustrating as it was that they were interrupted and didn’t kiss, he had loved that, too. It was like being in a cheesy movie where the tension was ramped up yet again with a cheap director’s trick.

He took a deep breath. 

But now this. 

It had been like this before. 

Sometimes when he was genuinely happy, he would suddenly get this fear of losing everything. Like he wasn’t allowed to be this happy. So the happier he got, the more likely he was to crash. 

And this morning he had crashed, and crashed hard. 

A dark cloud of thick cotton already surrounded him, numbing and suffocating him. And there was nothing he could do about it. 

He had managed to get through the day and pretend everything was fine. But now he was on set at this birthday party of Natasha's and he felt completely out of place, like he didn’t belong here. Everyone around him was laughing too loud, talking too loud and he just wanted to get away from it all. 

Of course, after yesterday on the hill, everything was pointing towards him and Tom kissing tonight. Because why not. They should have fun at this party and then at some point.... kiss... right?

And it was that very expectation that caused Owen to crash. 

The excitement that he had felt yesterday was gone. Instead there was this fear of somehow not meeting the expectations, of doing something wrong that would destroy everything.

He hated it. 

Knowing that this was just some kind of sick mechanism in his head and he wasn’t able to do anything about it. He hated feeling like shit when this happened, but he bit his tongue and just smiled through the pain.

He saw Tom talking to people, saw him searching for eye contact with him, beaming at him, winking at him but Owen avoided him, always went somewhere else, far away from him. He felt a twinge in his chest at each smile sent his way and he finally couldn't do it anymore, so he disappeared behind some backdrops and got to the areas that were only illuminated with emergency lights. 

He had always loved that. Wandering through abandoned, dimly lit sets. He loved the atmosphere it created. But now he was just enjoying the darkness and a break away from all these laughing people. 

With a big sigh he sat down on the steps in the TVA interrogation room, resting his arms on his drawn knees, and closed his eyes. 

Why the fuck…!

He didn’t want this. 

He just wanted to be happy. 

He had been happy. 

So what was wrong with him?

Why had he to be like that?

He really hated himself. 

He wanted to drown this feeling in alcohol but he couldn’t risk falling even deeper.  

To think about his kids in these situations sometimes helped. Sometimes it made it worse, made him think he was the worst dad of all. 

Since he had come to Atlanta to work on `Loki´ everything had been so good this far. 

Even his current sleeping problems had stopped. He had felt calm. Content. Confident. 

Meeting Tom was one of the best things that had happened to him lately. He felt good in his presence. Safe. It was something he hadn’t expected. So he had cherished the time he had spent with Tom on and off set as something really special. 

And working on `Loki´ had been a blessing, too. The script was crap if he was honest. But due to that they had so much fun, so much freedom to try things out, to improvise, to just see what they came up with and it gave him the urge to write again. If it was for him, he would already do prequels, sequels and spin-offs with Mobius. He just loved it. He loved playing Mobius.

It really had done him so damn good. 

Owen contorted his face. 

So why?

Just why the fuck had it to be like this?

He heard someone coming. 

Saw Tom looking for him…  

With a bottle of beer in his hand. With a concerned look on his face.

“Hey…” 

With his fucking soft voice that Owen loved so much. 

“Everything alright? I don’t… I don’t want to bother you when you want to be alone. I was just… worried.” 

Being as sweet and caring and polite as always.

And it hurt Owen deep down in his chest. 

“No.. no, you don’t. I just… “ He didn’t know what to say.  

He just knew that he didn’t want Tom to leave.

“Can I sit down?” Tom asked carefully. 

Yes, please. “Sure.”

So Tom sat down next to him, looking at him with big questioning eyes. 

Yeah.. he should probably explain something. 

“I’m sorry… Tom.” Owen began. “I…”

He hated it. “I’m a mess...”

But Tom just looked at him compassionately and waited, so Owen continued. 

“I… have problems… sometimes.. mental problems… So I get sad sometimes… when I’m supposed to be… happy… when I am happy… It is some kind of dysfunction in my head. Like.. Well, like the happy clown gets sad…”

He sighed.

“And I’m really sorry… Because I guess.. you have expected something else… tonight… But I’m not good for you… I guess, I’m not good for anybody when I’m like this…” 

Tom squinted his eyes and pressed his lips together as if he was disagreeing but trying not to say anything. So Owen emphasized his point.

“I just can’t… give you what you want. I wish I could. But I just can’t.” 

He shook his head and looked down at the floor because he just didn’t know why he actually couldn’t.  

“I know this is hard to understand…” He knew how fucking stupid this all sounded. Why don’t you just do it if you want to? What’s the problem? They always say… 

He closed his eyes, feeling ashamed of himself.

“I do understand…” he heard Tom say softly.

Owen lifted his head to look at him. He was looking right back at him, with so much compassion in his eyes, and he continued speaking. Quietly. 

“Well, I don’t know… I mean everybody feels different, everybody has different… problems.. challenges… I don’t get sad when I’m happy.. But I do know what the sad side of a clown feels like… or actually more the sad side of a circus bear… which I am… Or was… I don’t know…”

Owen had to laugh a little at that. “Tom, the circus bear… Sounds like a cute children’s book.”

Tom smiled. “Yeah… .  I don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of ADHD,” he shrugged his shoulders, “… but I’ve always done what people wanted me to do. And people wanted me to do really stupid things… . And I just did them. I loved the attention, I loved being liked… and to be loved… so I did more and more without really knowing why… And it really took me a long time to realize that…" he looked at the ceiling lost in thoughts, "I have worked constantly for 6 years in a row… I’ve sort of done every movie they offered me.. I have no idea how many interviews I gave during that time… how many stupid things I did… and all that just to not sit in that bear cage after the show…. And feel lonely and redundant…”

Owen felt his heart ache hearing all this. He didn't dare to breathe, didn't want to break this fragile bubble that they had somehow built here.

“And at some point I really lost it, I got so tired of it all… But you’re stuck in this wheel … " Tom’s hand made a circle," and you don’t know how to get out of it… I didn’t know who I am or what I wanted…” he sighed and nibbled at the label of his bottle. “I think I’m better now. Know how to take all this. But this doesn’t make me immune, you know. It will always be there…”

He took a deep breath, straightening up his back and looking directly at Owen.

“I’m sorry… I don’t want to be whining here.. I just want you to know that I know how it feels to be sad… when from the outside looking in... it seems that you don’t have any reason to.” 

Owen was deeply touched.

“Thank you…” he whispered. “Thank you for telling me…”

Tom gave him a reassuring look.

And then he got this Hang-on-I-have-to-think-about-something look on his face. 

Owen loved thinking-Tom. 

Watching Tom think always made Owen feel like a little kid at Christmas that couldn’t wait to see what was in the box. A quote? An adorable metaphor? 

“So… If you’re unhappy because you were happy…” Tom began. 

And Owen immediately loved how Tom had changed his voice to a more chatty and juvenile tone. 

“It’s sounds quite awful when I have to think that I am the one making you unhappy, so I’m going to reverse it: You being unhappy … does it mean that you like me… ” he gave Owen a challenging look. “…a little more… than a little?” 

Owen laughed. He shrugged his shoulders mockingly and showed a little space between his thumb and his index finger. “Yeah.. maybe a little more.”

But Tom didn’t seem to mind the mockery because he looked at Owen severely and said -  in his soft voice again -, “I can wait then.”

Owen didn’t know what to feel, he smiled a small smile but it came from deep in his heart and he hoped Tom would notice. 

“Thank you.”

Somehow he wished Tom would just grab him and kiss him. 

But it wouldn’t be Tom if he crossed the line. It wouldn’t be Tom if he didn’t respect him and his condition. 

And as much as Owen wished he would cross it, it showed him two things. 

One, that Tom was even more damn lovable. 

And two, that he himself was the one who needed to free himself out of there. Nobody else could. 

But he was determined to do it.  

He had to get better soon, if for no other reason than he could finally kiss Tom. His favorite Brit with his nonexistent lips. 

And now, now he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Tom. Held him close. And he was fucking glad that he could do it.  

“I’m sorry…” he whispered. 

“Don’t feel bad about it…,” Tom whispered back. “I want you to know that I don’t expect anything... And just as you are, you are good for me.” 

Tom’s word were soothing, his voice was soothing, Tom was soothing. Like he had been from the start.

“Thank you,” Owen said again and because he couldn’t resist, he added, “my little circus bear.”

Tom snorted. “Don’t! Just don’t!”

Owen grinned. “Yeah, I thought you are more of a pussycat anyway.”

And even he knew it would take some time before he felt right again, before he felt carefree again, he was fucking glad. 

That Tom had somehow turned this fucking sad situation in something lighter and beautiful. 

And that Tom had shown him a spark at the end of a hopefully not so long tunnel.

*

[sofreakinmanyfandoms]

November 18 - Your Love Is a Song (Sequel to Sing It Out)

I couldn’t resist continuing with these two. I may do a few more even after November.

Partial lyrics are “Sakura” and “You Are My Sunshine”. Full lyrics are “Your Love Is a Song” by Switchfoot.

Word count: 1838

Warnings: Described death of a child. Not graphic but not pretty.

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Reader

You were sitting on the floor in front of the couch in the common room deep in an online gaming session when Steve stumbled in and collapsed face-first on the couch.

“Long mission, babe?” you asked, pulling one ear of your headset back so you could hear his reply. It turned out to be pointless, his muttered reply so muffled by the couch cushions that you couldn’t make anything out.

“Words, babe,” you teased him, briefly reaching back to pat his leg. “Preferably understandable ones.”

He responded by rolling his head to the side and letting out a long, slow groan.

“That about sums it up,” Tony said, trudging in  wearily, followed by Sam.

“Yeah, it was a long mission,” Sam agreed. “Not one of the ‘nightmares for weeks’ types, which was nice, but very long.”

“Okay,” you said as your game ended, “super-soldier maintenance time.” You hopped up and started tugging on Steve’s uniform. “Upsy-daisy, big guy. You need a shower if we’re gonna sleep in the same bed tonight.”

“I could sleep right here,” the blond mumbled but managed to stand up and stumble down the hallway to the elevator as you herded him carefully.

“You could,” you agreed as he slumped against you. You braced yourself, grateful that you weren’t any smaller, and wrapped his arms around your neck to make moving him easier once the elevator reached your shared floor. “But then you couldn’t snuggle with me all night.”

Rather than replying, Steve buried his face in the back of your neck and breathed deeply.

“You smell good,” he hummed, nibbling gently. “I love the perfume you wear.”

You couldn’t help the amused chuckle that snuck out. “Trying to start something, soldier?”

“Just enjoying you.” He rubbed his nose into the crook of your neck. “Too tired for anything else. Just wanna smell you. Feel you. Touch you. Hear your pretty voice.”

“Okay, lover boy,” you laughed, maneuvering you both out of the elevator and onto your floor. “Enjoy away. I’m gonna get you into a shower.”

It took far longer than it should have, but you finally got Steve out of his clothing and into the shower. You had to join him just to keep him from falling asleep on his feet, but you made sure to keep your hair out of the water – you did not need to have to deal with wet hair tonight along with your sleepy boyfriend.

“Play me a lullaby?” Steve asked as you lowered him onto your bed. “One of your pretty Japanese ones?”

With a little smile, you settled in at the electronic keyboard you had bought just so you could play for him in your bedroom. It hadn’t taken long for you to both realize that if you sang him to sleep Steve was less likely to have a nightmare, or the nightmare that woke him up would fade away more quickly.

You let your hands dance over the keys, making sure the volume was a soothing level, before you started singing.

“Sakura, sakura, yayoi no sora wa…”

When you finished the Japanese folk song, you looked over at your now sleeping soldier. His deep even breathing hitched for a moment, then continued. With a smile, you returned to playing, determined to fill the room with music long enough his nightmares wouldn’t dare show themselves.

----------

Steve woke slowly, his senses immediately consumed with you. Your scent filled his nostrils. Your hair was brushing his cheek. Your skin was warm against his, your breathing deep and slow, your heartbeat steady. He opened his eyes and smiled as he found your face inches from his, your eyes closed as you were still very much asleep. After a few minutes of enjoying the view, he pulled you closer and fell back to sleep.

----------

“Captain, the quinjet is en route and will arrive in five minutes.”

“Thank you, JARVIS.”

Steve set aside his sketchbook and reached for a t-shirt, preparing for your arrival. When he arrived on the roof, Clint and Natasha were already disembarking, Clint limping and letting Nat support most of his weight, but you had yet to appear.

“It was a rough one, Steve,” Nat said quietly as they passed him. “She’s not handling it very well.”

He climbed up the ramp through the cargo door and found you still strapped into your jump seat, eyes focused on your hands which were covered in blood. Before he let himself panic, he took a deep breath.

“JARVIS,” he asked softly, “is any of it her blood?”

“Y/N appears to have superficial lacerations across her left shoulder and lower right ribs, but the majority of the blood she is covered in is not hers,” was the AI’s quiet reply.

At JARVIS’s voice, you looked up and saw Steve.

“Hey, love.”

“Hi,” you replied, tears welling in your eyes as he knelt in front of you and began removing straps. “I couldn’t get there in time. I couldn’t save her.”

The pain in your voice hurt his heart. “Who couldn’t you save, baby girl?”

Something about Steve’s voice broke you, and the tears you’d held back for almost an hour broke free. He scooped you up in his arms and carried you in as you sobbed into his neck, shudders racking your body. Tony intercepted the two of you and opened his mouth to ask the soldier a question, but one look at you and he backed off with a nod. It only took a few minutes for Steve to get you down to your shared floor and stripped out of your uniform.

“Okay, baby girl,” he told you, holding your shoulders and gently directing you into the stream of warm water JARVIS had already started, “I’m going to take care of your uniform. I’ll be right back to help you get all clean.”

When he returned you were simply standing under the water shivering, so he stripped off his own clothing and climbed in with you. Gently he soaped up your loofa and took one hand, then the other, cleaning the blood from your hands. He used your face wash for the shallow cuts on your shoulder and ribs so the fragrance of your body wash wouldn’t irritate your skin. Once you were all clean, he turned off the water and wrapped you in a fluffy towel.

“Y/N,” he finally said, leading you over to the bed and pulling you into his lap, ignoring the wet spot spreading across the comforter, “can you tell me what happened now?”

You took a deep breath and kept your eyes fixed on the floor. “It was supposed to be a recon mission. I was stationed manning an ice cream cart while Nat was in the coffee shop and Clint was our eyes in the sky. There was this little girl, Sophia; while I scooped her cone, she told me all about how her family had just arrived from Puerto Rico for her daddy’s new job, and how excited she was to get to go to school in America.

“When the target arrived… he must have seen Clint, or maybe he recognized Nat or me. All I know for sure is that he was suddenly firing wildly into the crowd, and Sophia… he hit her in the stomach. I tried to keep pressure on her wound, but she bled out in my arms. Her mom was dead beside us.” You were shaking again, tears streaking your cheeks. “Her family just got here, just wanted a better life, and now her father is all alone in the world. I couldn’t even save his daughter for him.”

Steve held you in his arms and rocked you until you had no more tears to cry.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep for a while,” you finally said, and he could hear the exhaustion behind your voice.

“How about you get into your pajamas,” he suggested, “while I get us some dry bedding, and then I’ll play for you tonight? I asked Tony to teach me a little piano, and I’ve been practicing. It won’t be as pretty as when you play, but maybe it will help a little.”

You nodded and stood on shaky legs. “Please.”

Fortunately the water hadn’t soaked all the way through the comforter, and it didn’t take Steve long to discard the wet blanket and replace it with a dry one. You slipped into your sleep shorts and one of your boyfriend’s tees. Once you were settled in, Steve turned on your keyboard.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey…”

Steve singing to you was… nice, you decided. It was really nice. He didn’t know many songs, but all the ones he played were soft and relaxing, and his pitch was mostly under control. You fell asleep shortly after he started cycling through them for the second time.

----------

The room was full of soft piano music as Steve blinked himself awake. You smiled when you saw his owl eyes blinking at you.

“Good morning, soldier. You slept well?”

His brow furrowed. “I should be asking you that. You’re the one who had a rough mission yesterday.”

You gave him a sad smile. “I’ll be alright eventually. My boyfriend playing and singing me to sleep last night helped. So did playing this morning.”

“It sounds beautiful.” He paused. “Play me a song?”

You brought your current chord progression to a soft resolution and paused for a moment before switching keys.

 I hear you breathing in

Another day begins

The stars are falling now

My dreams are fading now

Fading now

 I’ve been keeping my eyes wide open

I’ve been keeping my eyes wide open

 Oh, your love is a symphony

All around me, running through me

Oh, your love is a melody

Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

 The dawn is fire bright

Against the city light

The clouds are glowing now

The moon is blacking out

It’s blacking out

 So I’ve been keeping my mind wide open

I’ve been keeping my mind wide open

 Oh, your love is a symphony

All around me, running to me

Oh, your love is a melody

Underneath me, running to me

 Oh, your love is a song

Your love is a song

Oh, your love is a song

Your love is strong

 With my eyes wide open

I’ve got my eyes wide open

I’ve been keeping my hopes unbroken

Yeah, yeah

 Oh, your love is a symphony

All around me, running through me

Oh, your love is a melody

Underneath me, running to me

Your love is a song

Yeah, yeah

Your love is my remedy

Oh, your love is a song

 Slowly, you reached over and turned off the keyboard. Before you’d even realized he’d gotten out of bed, Steve’s arms were around you.

“I love you too,” he whispered into the back of your neck, “and I’ll carry you whenever you need me to.”