#and of course hlm!

[astralzeraphias]

maybe i came too early, maybe i came too late

i’m waiting in the shadows of the scaffolds of the old cafés where you told me to wait

[sodafrog13]

hm. a concept

[argyrocratie]

"People were looking for evidence proving that social differences were akin to the previously known model of hierarchy. But since that was a caste society (entrenched legal privileges by birthright and inheritance) they were looking in vain since under the nominal ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’ they were faced with a modern class society with considerable social mobility and an anti-élitist, plebeian culture. Societies when disappointed in actual change, almost always engage in the rhetorical stratagem which affirms that nothing has changed. (Witness the general conviction in Rumania even among people with bullet wounds that the December 1989 revolution did not take place at all, it was a technical fraud perpetrated by Western television and Hungarian spies. ‘Nothing has changed’, ‘the same people are in power’, you know the kind of thing.) But Soviet-style state capitalism has changed things enormously, therefore the widespread analogies with Tsardom (so popular even in respectable historiography and political science produced by the faux naïfs) are ridiculous.

Bolshevik rule has accomplished many of the customary goals of bourgeois revolutions: industrialisation, urbanisation, secularisation, compulsory comprehensive education, magnanimous financing of art, science, technology, eradication of tribalism, edification of a gigantic infrastructure (railways, motorways, pipelines) and, perhaps most significantly, the relocation of the peasant population from mud huts into what is called in England ‘council estates’, in the US ‘housing projects’, in France HLMs but on an enormous scale.

The ‘council estates’ of reinforced concrete in a desolate grey are still adored by the majority of East Europeans. They had been their way out of a peasant past, out of the old dispensation that by 1917 was so hated as no other known social and political system in world history. This is something which is all too frequently forgotten. The Hungarian expression for peasant, paraszt, comes from a Slavonic word meaning ‘simpleton’, the English ‘villain’, the French vilain comes from the late Latin villanus, meaning ‘a villager’, ‘a rustic’. Contempt for the ‘ignoble’ (originally meaning simply a commoner) in an agrarian caste society is inimaginable in our comparatively egalitarian world. Most people’s grandparents in Eastern Europe were routinely slapped and kicked by landowners’ agents, by the foremen and by gendarmes after which they had to kiss the hand that slapped them. The first president of the Hungarian republic in 1918, the revolutionary Count de Károlyi, one of the richest magnates in the Empire, was first seriously moved to betray his aristocratic caste when he discovered after a satisfying shoot that in the hunting lodge of his obliging noble cousin each guest found in his bed a shivering naked Rumanian village girl, like nowadays the complimentary chocolate in hotels. Caste also frequently meant race.

(...)

Certainly, the bourgeois myth about social superiority, ability and luck, la carrière ouverte aux talents, a formula by who else, Napoleon Bonaparte, has a biological component, too. (Compare the urban legends of athletic and musical Blacks, soulful Russians, thrifty and diligent Anglo-Saxons, quick-witted Jews and so on.) But this is nothing in comparison to the all-pervasive ‘natural’ permanence of caste. Even today, in allegedly cosmopolitan and sophisticated Budapest, people are prefacing their casual remarks to me, someone they know from the telly, ‘Excuse me, sir, if one of us average little people might take the liberty to address you’ which of course will not prevent them from dissing me in the next sentence.

This preternatural resilience of caste was that made Dostoevsky and Lenin and Ady and Rosa Luxemburg indignant and rebellious, not so much class society, a comparatively innocuous state of affairs resisted politically and culturally by a mighty labour movement of considerable prestige, the source of an adversary culture able to bestow honours on the enemies of the establishment – in the West.

Much was made of Marx’s hostility to ‘rural idiocy’ of a sippenfremd, körperfremd and naturfeindlich doctrinaire scribe by uncomprehending passéiste, past-worshipping conservatives, but this hostility was felt by the whole Enlightenment crowd. The narodniks loved the Russian bonded sharecropper, the muzhik, but they wanted him to cease being one. The Bolsheviks abolished peasantry with a genocidal fury, and at the beginning they wanted to put an end to patriarchal, monogamous marriage and every kind of religious worship also with their characteristic murderous violence. Obviously though, they could not sustain a régime of private property without the creative chaos of the market with no recourse to the family and some kind of fake state cult. Property even, or especially, of their peculiar kind cannot be protected if in other areas of social life there is anarchy.

Nevertheless, the destructive rage of the Bolsheviks should not be underestimated. This they shared with other varieties of Eastern radicalism, e. g., with military-secularist nationalism from Kemal Atatürk to Nasser to Boumediène to Aflaq to whom they bear anyway a more than passing resemblance. The leap from earthbound archaic community whose main techniques have not changed much since the fourth century AD to the avant-garde of Maiakovski, Isaak Babel and El Lissitzky is staggering. The price was unprecedented suffering and atavistic regress. To call a modernising military monarchy a ‘socialist council republic’ is ridiculous but no more than calling an aristocratic caste society based on practices inherited from the ancient, especially Persian, Central Asia through the mediation of Byzantium, the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation, i.e., a Christian realm.

This is the oldest cliché of them all, but it is quite true that the empire of Charlemagne had as little to do with the Sermon on the Mount – although he was busy converting heathens to Christianity through the sword and fire – as Stalin’s empire with revolutionary socialism. Everybody knows this, but the contemporary propaganda in favour of capitalism would conjure up the spectre of socialism by reference to the Soviet Union or the Khmer Rouge. This is like stating that God’s existence was definitively disproven by the Merovingians. (But of course we have not thereby proven the existence of God, either.)"

-Gáspár Miklós Tamás, "A Capitalism Pure and Simple" (2007)

[goldennug]

Happy Friday! How about "You have blood on your hands." for your Surana?

thank you! 🩷 this is a moment of ashara and alistair post-landsmeet.

rating: general / word count: 364 / @dadrunkwriting

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

After the duel she meets with the future king of Ferelden.

He is furious. Of course he is. She has just betrayed him in the worst way possible, and nothing will ever be the same. He is to become a king and she is to remain a Grey Warden – both bound by duty. There will be no more room for hushed conversations by the fire, warm teasing on the road and shared food in their tents, when everything becomes too much for both of them.

She has lost everything and is losing more still. Her best friend looks at her like she is his worst enemy. Perhaps she is.

“I can be civil”, Alistair says, teeth clenched, “but that is just about all you'll get from me.”

Fair enough.

Ashara looks down, biting her lip. She doesn't look up as she says: “I am sorry. For what it's worth.”

“It's not worth very much in this situation,” Alistair says, and Ashara nods, because she understands better than he might think.

“I couldn’t do it. Killing a man in cold-blood like that… It just felt wrong,” she confesses. She might be a bit of a hypocrite.

Alistair is silent for a moment before answering. “You’ve killed men for less.”

He is right.

“Don’t you think Duncan and the others deserved justice?” Alistair says and now his voice is rising. “It was not in your right!”

Ashara opens her mouth. Closes it.

“Duncan would have made the same decision as me,” she finally says quietly and she knows it’s the wrong thing to say, but it doesn't even matter anymore. She has already lost hlm. 

For a moment Alistair looks like he is going to explode but then he only sighs. “Maybe. That doesn't make it right.”

“I’m sorry,” Ashara says again, but it’s futile.

“I don't believe you,” Alistair says, his usually warm eyes dark like a brewing storm. Ashara swallows. “Your hands might as well be wet with their blood.”

Then he turns his back on her and leaves the room. The door slams shut behind him, and she winces.

After a moment of staring after him Ashara glances at her hands. 

They're clean.

[guard-en]

YOU LIKE HLM???????????????????? of course you love jacket he's literally hank

I ACTUALLY. DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOTLINE MIAMI I JUST SUPPORT MY TALENTED MUTUALS IN ALL THEIR BEAUTIFUL ENDEAVORS BECAUSE I'M SIMPLE AND I WANT TO UPLIFT THEM AND LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE LOVED.

[zaptap]

as i suspected apparently beating the triumvirate will increment the win counters for all 3 king salmonids. also if you only beat some of them then those will count

contrary to my expectations though... they're all at full health. i was thinking cutting them each down to a third would make sense, but oh well

there's also no need to beat it 1000 times for a badge--just once for one, and once on hlm for a decoration--so maybe the difficulty is kind of the point here. no incentive to do it a ton like the others (aside from triple fish scales of course)

you DO get two specials for it though. and it sounds like it might be grizzco weapons only

i wonder if it'll only run during all-random rotations then (even if it isn't gold, you can possibly get all grizzco ones), or if that overrides the normal weapons? it's apparently not a big run exclusive thing thankfully, but i don't think we know yet how often they'll run it otherwise

[crest-of-gautier]

got the badges for gone fission evp 400 + evp 600 yesterday! .52 gal, l-3 nozzlenose, dread wringer, and squiffer make for quite the synergistic team!

my peak was EVP 810 (appx 300-310% HL). my high score of 151 eggs was obtained somewhere in evp 300...? i'm pretty satisfied with how it went, even if i didn't get HLM or 9s.

some thoughts/reflections on good freelancing teams/traits to develop when trying to rank up in evp under the cut:

i think grinding this rotation was pretty fun- all of the weapons have excellent mobility and i think they cover for each other really well! the l-3 was not my favorite weapon going into it but i think i really enjoyed the accuracy and mobility of it, so it's a bit more favorable for me now :)

i ended up reaching a skill wall in EVP 760-780 where i could not get past wave 2 or 3 (usually for quota related reasons, the quota is BRUTAL! we'd miss it by like 4-5 ish... ofc this partially relates to how well bosses are handled).

the grind for evp was a mix of freelance and grouping up (freelance for 230 -> 440s, grouping up for 440 - 750~, and then testing myself in freelance for that last bit).

i enjoyed the bits of freelance i did, and from my playtime i think these were some of the key traits/practices that indicate "good salmon run skills" to me:

players that know their weapons role(s) and target the appropriate salmonid (but also being willing to break that when priority targets haven't been taken care of)

knowing when a teammate needs help (with a boss or being revived) or when the teammate has a situation under control (e.g. someone's already on the fishstick, you can do something else)

proactive use of specials when problem targets appear, preferably with no overlap (e.g. tri-strike and inkjet activated on the same flyfishes is not the best)

using specials like booyah bomb, triple splashdown, and reefslider to clear basket area in the last 30 seconds to help eggs get in (especially important past evp 600)

teams that paint the walls first thing (especially whoever had the dread wringer). all interior walls for fission can be painted within the first 10 seconds imo

forwarding eggs closer to the basket after splatting static bosses (throwing one egg, and then swimming up with one)

players with good judgment; knowing when to lure (mostly for initial boss spawns), and knowing when to leave the big shot cannon

being able to figure out which directions snatchers come from and what eggs they can help you collect

i think these practices all stem from having good awareness and being able to collect information about the shift. it helps with making snappy quick-fire decisions, and it just gets more important the higher up in EVP you go. camera positioning/control is essential for this (you can't figure out where bosses/teammates are if your back is turned to them).

for me, every 7-10 seconds, i like to rotate my camera around to the opposite side of where i'm currently looking to make sure there isn't any bosses i'm missing. i'm hardly in one place longer than 5-10 seconds and i try to always be on the move. the spawn direction where salmonids come from are always changing, so it's essential to rotate around the map proactively rather than reactively. i think this also helps a lot with shotcalling in groups too (since you can be someone else's pair of eyes).

other than boss spawns/teammate locations (for revives), i think it's also important to notice when certain bosses haven't been taken care of for prolonged periods of time too, so that a special can be popped. to me it's usually a sign that someone whose ill equipped to deal with that boss has been forced to deal with them because the people with the "right" weapon are focused on something else... (no fault to them, of course, everyone has different priorities and you can't always communicate clearly in freelance)

in situations where squiffers were chased by a pack of scrappers, perhaps a booyah bomb or splashdown can be popped to help if you don't have the time to stun and splat them manually. maybe the fish sticks were left unattended by the shooters, so a triple inkstrike or a crab/inkjet shot can help clear them out.

awareness also extends to meeting quota, which imo involves paying attention to the timer + where eggs are located. i find that it's nice to check in with the timer/quota at 50s and 30s respectively so that you can start forwarding eggs closer to basket. and when everyone's going crazy about quota not being met i try to make sure i'm not overstepping anyone else's egg pile so that no one goes "wait no thats the egg that i wanted to pick up fuck i have to go back and get a different one."

i think this is why sometimes playing in groups is easier. if you have more sets of eyes that you can communicate with, it alleviates the need to have awareness of "everything" (provided that you can comms effectively). someone can be attuned to different things (e.g. my friend always tells us where snatchers come from and if they're good, i'm personally attuned to where people need to be revived, etc.). you also know what specials you have access to, unlike in freelance where you're not sure what others have until they use them.

the other part of completing shifts successfully (to me) is being mechanically sound with your movement, mostly in regards to how you use the terrain (walls) to get around the map and escape situations. the more you play a map the more you'll figure out how you can move around on it.

some examples, using the location callouts from salmonrun.ink: there were a few times i'd go on the harbor but i could escape any salmonids in the bridge area by climbing the walls there and squidrolling out as needed. sometimes on high tide i would swim from the perch to the left plat.

sub-strafing is also good to know too, especially when you want to rapidly collect the basket eggs at the end. i still need to integrate it into other parts of my gameplay, but it's helpful!

uh. this was way longer than intended because i have WAY too many thoughts about salmon run. TL;DR: The key to succeeding your shifts is having good awareness which comes from good information collecting practices, and having the mechanical skill to act on that awareness without hesitation.

there's definitely a lot that goes on in sensory overload the game™, so it will take time to build these muscles and reaction times. i think while at every rank of salmon run you may face a wall of "i'm overwhelmed by the bosses," the exact fix needed to get past it usually varies, so it's important to figure out what information you were missing or what actions you could've taken (more efficient movement or special usage, usually).

or if you're struggling with quota, try to practice forwarding eggs or take a look where snatchers come from (even if people splat them, it's still a good practice 2 develop for later evp. source: i don't fucking do it and it's biting me in the ass)

and most importantly, recognize when you're in the midst of a loss streak/skill wall, so that you can take a break and focus on other things that energize you! even if there's a certain goal you want to meet, grinding for higher levels of EVP and getting better at the game can be a very exhausting process. you can always come back to the grind later, whether if it's after a 30 minute break, or just a different rotation!

[caracello]

🪱🐌🐞 jacket =:)

🪱 why did you kin this character? why did you fall for your f/o?

i'm not quiitee sure what drew me to dj as a kin but i do know i was immediately attached to jacket mostly because he's. um. a military boy LOL. that and his schizoisms got me attached really quickly +//). in terms of the girlfriend honestly i think i just was going thru a kinning blonde women period.

🐌 what are your relationships like with the other characters in your source?

i don't even really talk to anybody in the source unless you count the guys who kidnapped me or the guy who shot me to death T__T. so not great i'd say on a scale from 1-10 maybe a solid 1.5.

🐞 any songs/imagery/motifs/etc. that make you think of your source or its characters? what is #SoThem?

YESS yes okay. telephones always make me think of jacket ☎️ < these ones specifically... hlm has an 80s vaporwave kind of look to it as well. and roosters of course. whenever i see that one rooster head mask when we watch nerf wars it's like HOLYYY fucking shit. that's jacket. songs i associate with him are poor isaac by the airborne toxic event and the tv made me do it by moon walker +).

[srishtiadmissionpoint]

Pursuing LLB in Ghaziabad: Your Gateway to a Legal Career

A Bachelor of Laws (LLB) degree is the first step towards a fulfilling career in law. If you're considering pursuing LLB in Ghaziabad, you're on the right path towards gaining comprehensive legal knowledge and practical skills. Here’s everything you need to know about LLB programs in this vibrant city.

Why Choose LLB in Ghaziabad?

Ghaziabad, located near the national capital, Delhi, is emerging as a hub for legal education. Here are some reasons why pursuing LLB in Ghaziabad is advantageous:

Quality Education: Ghaziabad hosts several esteemed institutions that offer rigorous LLB programs accredited by the Bar Council of India (BCI).

Proximity to Delhi: Being close to Delhi provides access to courts, law firms, and legal professionals, offering ample opportunities for internships and practical learning experiences.

Cost-Effective: Compared to larger cities, the cost of living and education in Ghaziabad is relatively affordable, making it an attractive choice for aspiring lawyers.

Top Institutions Offering LLB in Ghaziabad

Consider these leading institutions in Ghaziabad known for their LLB programs:

Institute of Management Studies (IMS), Ghaziabad: IMS offers a comprehensive LLB program focusing on practical legal skills and theoretical knowledge. Explore more about their offerings here.

HLM Law College: Known for its strong faculty and modern infrastructure, HLM Law College provides a well-rounded legal education. Learn about their curriculum and facilities here.

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When choosing an LLB program in Ghaziabad, consider these important features:

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Faculty: Ensure the program is taught by experienced faculty members who are actively engaged in the legal profession. Meet the faculty members here.

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The admission process for LLB programs in Ghaziabad typically includes:

Eligibility: Candidates must have completed higher secondary education (10+2) with a minimum required percentage.

Entrance Exams: Many institutions conduct entrance exams to assess candidates' aptitude for legal studies. Prepare for entrance exams here.

Interviews and Counseling: Shortlisted candidates may need to participate in interviews or counseling sessions as part of the selection process. Get insights into the interview process here.

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Graduating with an LLB from Ghaziabad opens up diverse career opportunities, including:

Legal Practice: Become a practicing lawyer, representing clients in courts and providing legal advice.

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Government and Public Sector: Pursue roles in government legal departments, public sector undertakings, and regulatory bodies. Explore career paths here.

Conclusion

Pursuing LLB in Ghaziabad offers a promising pathway to a successful legal career. With reputable institutions, practical training opportunities, and a supportive educational environment, Ghaziabad provides an ideal setting to acquire the skills and knowledge needed for the legal profession. Research your options, consider your career aspirations, and embark on a fulfilling journey towards becoming a proficient and respected legal professional. Learn more about starting your LLB journey here.

[throwawayformydb]

Wife: "Am I the love of your life?"

This post was originally published on /r/DeadBedrooms

Quick background: I'm a HLM married to a LLF and about to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary. Sex has never been frequent, but less and less frequent in recent years. We're probably at 2x/month now.

Typical story... I'm an eternal optimist and always hoped it would get better. She was working through major emotional issues in the early years of our marriage, nearly all of which have improved greatly. I always thought as she got healthier emotionally and felt unconditionally loved by me, the intimacy (on all levels, but certainly sexual) would improve. They haven't.

When we got married, I was head-over-heels in love. Looking back... I'm not sure whether she was or not. She acted like it, but she came into the relationship as a sexual abuse victim (never raped, mostly verbal abuse from asshole exes who belittled her physical attributes), and I just thought she was a little "bruised" in that area and she would heal over time.

Fast-forward to today. I've always been super generous and give and give and give. She had her first orgasm ever during our honeymoon because I gave her oral. She's never reciprocated for long enough that I orgasmed, and those reciprocations were only a handful of times anyway. She has TMJ problems, so her jaw has always been the excuse. But as I've lurked around here and started to really wake up to the fact that I'm in a "dead bedroom," I've realized that she is a bit of a pillow princess (assuming I'm using the term correctly). She takes so long to warm up to any sexual activity, that the whole thing is completely about her. I love being generous, so this was OK with me for a long time. I'd give her 30+ minutes of full-body massage, give her oral for however long it took, she'd orgasm, then she'd want me "inside" her ASAP and want the whole thing over with as quickly as possible from there.

Out of some sort of sense of guilt (assuming the worst) or generosity (assuming the best), she would propose "quickies." This involves zero intimacy and might as well be me masturbating -- just using her body. She's completely been passive in these situations.

As much as I enjoy orgasming inside her, I've come to view these quickies as a turnoff in every way except the pure biological/physiological release.

Sex is just one part of a relationship, so I've tried to work on every other part of the relationship in hopes that this would improve. We had some big financial challenges years ago which have stabilized (she's big on financial security, which affected everything in the rough times -- especially sex), we've been to relationship counseling to address communication and other issues which have mostly been worked out.

However... she has always had a terrible fear of me being interested in other women or even looking at porn. God forbid that I actually masturbate (I do... but she doesn't know it). On top of that, she's always felt pressure to have more sex -- NOT from me, but because she knows it isn't great. So... bringing this up or talking about it always felt to me like a DICK move.

This is getting way, way longer than I intended. Let me bottom-line it: she's been binge-watching a show on Netflix that ended up doing a bunch of drama around the "love of your life." I've not been watching the show, but I came in during one of the episodes where some starry-eyed people were talking about the "one love of your life" and debating whether they could end up having more than one.

Wife turns to look at me: "Am I the love of your life?"

RED ALERT. RED ALERT. Now's not the time for hesitation! WTF do I say?!

"YES. Of course you are!"

And part of me is dying inside.

"You don't love me like you used to, though. You're committed to me, but you used to really love me."

FUCK. I really want this to work out well. We have such a great life in so many areas. She has made efforts in the sex department. We had a talk a few weeks ago about how I'm not feeling loved, and how that -- sure -- sex is part of it, but it's more about intimacy and feeling like I'm cared for and not just expected to do all the husband stuff. That had gone really well. She really acted like she was going to work on everything, including seeing a therapist about intimacy issues. She's even taken some steps in that direction.

I've read about so many of you who were able to reach the place where you could say, "my needs are important enough," or even, "satisfying my libido is important enough," that you were able to end long-term relationships. I'm not sure that I can get there. Maybe so... but at the end of my life am I going to look back and say, "I threw away a near-20-year marriage to the mother of my child because I wasn't getting enough sex?! What the FUCK was I thinking?"

I'm sure some will say, "talk to her about opening the relationship." Even mentioning that as if it were a possibility would likely bring this relationship to an end.

We have a getaway planned to celebrate our anniversary in a couple of weeks. I'm going all-out romantic. She'll know that I wanna fuck like bunny rabbits the whole weekend, but I'm going to play that down (because she'll feel pressure and then everything will end in disaster). But of course I want to fuck like bunny rabbits!!

I already know she's feeling poorly about the relationship based upon the "Am I the love of your life?" question and subsequent conversation. I want to try to reignite as much of a spark here as I can.

But I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road gaping at it like a fucking idiot.

[egoweapon]

I still have 4 more posts left in my queue. I'll let them run, but for now, I will probably distance myself from PJM until we have a better assessment of the situation/further statements from the company.

I may return in the future, but the amount of posting will be limited unless things change. Even engaging with the previous 2 games feels difficult.

Of course, this is subject to change given that my good faith in the company is teetering on a thin line right now.

As a long time PJM fan, this has been particularly devastating to watch unfold. Many of my original characters are from LC, and without the existence of LCB, I would have never picked up copies of classical literature such as Wuthering Heights or DotRC/HLM.

It'll certainly be difficult to see them in my house, as I don't think I can ever fully sever the associations I have of them with the characters I love. But I'm grateful to have been introduced to these novels in the first place.

The fate of my nuggets is unclear, but I also don't think I can transpose all of them to an original setting. I'm simply too uncreative for that. But if the worst case scenario comes to pass, I will salvage what I can.

It's a shame. I've watched so many people leave and get rid of all their works entirely within these last 24 hours. So many people I have connected with thanks to PJM's games, who I'm unsure I will keep in contact with after everything that has happened yesterday.

I really don't know… if I will ever find another mainstream game like this with Chinese characters I enjoy this much either. I don't know if I can part with them at this moment. I really don't know. They mean a lot to me, but the bitter taste won't leave my mouth.

I've been writing this for an hour since 4 AM… I hope this is coherent, and thank you for taking your time to read my rambling.

[semena--mertvykh]

Soleil lointain

A la même époque où je relisais mes pauvres interactions avec Sexy à la lumière de ce nouveau paradigme probablement sensationnel - ah en fait, il est gay - je prenais l'habitude de pousser mes ballades digestives de plus en plus loin vers l'ouest. Je partais pour des deux heures chaque midi, et dans ces pérégrinations de fourmi claudicante sous le soleil perpétuel de la banlieue sud, je colmatais comme je pouvais l'horreur de ces journées privées des sensations de la course, de la danse, de la conduite, coincées dans un bureau sombre et étouffant, à un moment de ma vie où je ne me voyais plus aucune raison de me lever le matin - de me lever tout court. Où j'avais juste envie de hurler.

"Pourquoi fait-il aussi sombre ?" demande Bastien à la Petite Impératrice, lorsqu'il la retrouve dans "L'histoire sans fin" et qu'un grain de sable est "tout ce qui reste de [son] vaste empire".

"Au début il fait toujours sombre", répond-elle.

Un midi je suis passée sous les voies de l'A6. Dans un tunnel propice au viol, je me suis retrouvée à m'ébaubir comme une touriste lâchée en plein Parthénon, le nez levé vers les grilles d'aération à 4 mètres au dessus de ma tête, ôtant mon casque pour écouter le grondement des véhicules implicites sur la chaussée. Je connais si bien cette autoroute, je l'ai tellement chargée, affectivement, qu'elle est comme le Périph pour moi : je sais tronçon par tronçon où le trafic ralentit et où il repart, où sont les portiques et les radars, les bosquets d'arbres et les talus, et quels panneaux affichent quelles informations. La cité HLM dont je distinguais les pelouses, au-delà des piliers du tunnel larges comme des silos à missiles, s'est soudain retrouvée à la même place, dans ma carte mentale, que les tours qu'on aperçoit en passant devant le radar de l'A6a.

Même sujet, vu sous un autre angle.

J'écoutais Menneskekollektivet, tellement simple et itératif qu'on peut le passer en boucle pendant des heures sans se lasser, avec une rythmique inexorable comme cette aspiration au fond de nous, ce désir qui nous dépasse, qu'on ne sait pas nommer et qui ne laisse jamais tranquille. En sortant du tunnel, j'ai relevé la tête comme délestée d'une menace : loin au dessus de moi, contre le ciel blanc, à demi révélé par les berges en béton de la chaussée, le dos du panneau indiquant la sortie vers Rungis formait une silhouette vaguement humaine, levant le bras vers sa grosse tête pour me saluer. Dans ma vie si démunie où il n'y a pas de place pour le théâtre, la route était la scène sur laquelle pourtant je devais me trouver, la seule en tout cas où je me sentais à ma place. Dans ces journées pathétiques où personne ne m'adressait la parole, l'autoroute était une architecture qui pourtant dialoguait intensément avec moi, une structure avec laquelle j'échangeais des signes d'intelligence que personne ne pouvait voir, encore moins comprendre.

Si proche des voies, je me retrouvais saisie par une émotion indescriptible qui tenait à autre chose qu'un atavisme. Mes ancêtres avaient vécu en Prusse et en Irlande, ils avaient été marins et soldats et cavaliers, ils s'étaient approprié l'espace en le sillonnant et je devais en garder quelque chose, c'est vrai ; pourtant, c'est la présence physique impitoyable de l'autoroute qui me happait et me fascinait comme au premier jour. De l'extérieur, la vibration brute dont l'air était saturé faisait comme une source primitive à laquelle je pouvais venir m'abreuver, quand je manquais de courage ; comme si elle émettait à la même fréquence que la petite dynamo qui ronronne dans ma poitrine, celle qui me tient sans répit depuis des années, qui m'empêche de dormir et me pousse à bouger sans cesse.

"Pourquoi vous voulez faire une analyse ?" m'avait demandé ma thérapeute, dans les tous premiers temps. Elle me recevait encore en face-à-face, à l'époque, pas dans le dispositif freudien classique - une précaution destinée, comme elle me l'expliquerait plus tard, à évaluer ma solidité psychique et ma capacité à assumer effectivement plusieurs années de cure. J'avais vingt ans tout rond et j'en étais à ma troisième tentative de suicide. J'avais répondu : "Pour comprendre le monde". Elle avait ajouté : "Le monde est incompréhensible, alors ?". Aujourd'hui, à trente ans de distance, je pouvais lui répondre : oui, quand on grandit privée d'amour, avec juste le minimum pour survivre, le monde est un endroit méconnaissable ; il ne nous dit rien, littéralement. L'univers chante, peut-être ; il ne parle pas.

[sodafrog13]

you are one of the few people I know who both likes HLM and Drive to a extent and I wanted to scream about how I JUST watched drive 4 the first time today and I love Driver so much that I literally start shaking like a scared chihuahua

dunno if that's weird but I HAVE to yell about Drive.

if you remember, do you have a favorite scene? Mine's the one after the elevator when Driver shakes the SHIT outta Shannon like "YOU TOLD THEM ABOUT IRENE!!!!" like go YELL my white boy YELL!

the autism won again I suppose < meee

hello!! i do indeed love drive and hlm, please feel free to send me more asks about them LMAO

i have several favorite scenes! in no particular order:

the opening, where he's laying down his terms and conditions over the phone. idk, smth about that little monologue just activates smth in my brain 🤌🏼 but part of it may just be by virtue of my love for the city of LA

gabriel household + driver family dinner. i really, truly love the dynamic between the gabriels and driver, especially having read the book. because even in the book, driver and standard are comfortable with each other in that they both know they are very important to irene (irina in the book, but i digress). i just love being able to see the very palpable love that driver has for this family, regardless of what kind of love it is; you don't really get to see that in these kinds of movies, they always make it into some kind of angsty and competitive love triangle that i'm always really bored of

driver confronting cook in the strip club dressing room. that shot of him visibly shaking with anger as he holds that hammer over his head is just So vivid in my memory. because you very rarely see him visibly express any emotions the whole movie, past the occasional smile or two, so the fact that he is so protective of the gabriels that you can see his rage was very striking to me

the specific part of him and blanche in the motel room where he says "you just got a little boy's father killed. and you almost got us killed." chills dude lmao

and, of course, that part after he gets stabbed in the parking lot and you just get that perfect, golden sunshine shot of him writhing on the hood of the car with his hands covered in blood. again, a Very striking shot to me, and Most Definitely had nothing to do with the fact that i love seeing ryan gosling characters covered in blood. of course not. (silly)

[sweetkincafe]

donald duck sings simple and clean bass boosted

❐ mod pudding puppy ❐

[hlm-group]

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[deadangelsparty-archive]

I should've been bitchier in source. </3

☎️