#and right before i have to go in for my 8 hr shift

[imnotpayingforurtherapy]

I NEED A FUCKING BREAK

[mypoisonedvine]

omggg #64 with coworkers!javi p? 🫶

oh i havent written javier in ages!! i missed him!

#64: "fuck me--" "okay." "it's just a figure of speech..."

warnings: smut (18+ only!!), oral m receiving, slightly shy/innocent reader? she's still thirsty tho lmaoooo

You couldn't help it: he looked so sexy when he was frustrated.

It wasn't that you didn't feel bad for him when he was upset. He usually had good reason to be. You certainly didn't want to cause him to get like that... you just liked looking at him when it happened.

"Fuck," Javi sighed, tilting his head back as he ran his hands over his face; you bit your lip, hoping he wouldn't notice you staring.

He leaned in the chair, spreading his legs a little wider, and damn his thighs looked good in those jeans.

"Fuckin' idiots," he groaned to himself, "you know how much paperwork this is gonna be?"

"U-um, I'm not sure," you replied hesitantly, until he shot you a glare.

"I wasn't really asking," he explained.

"Oh... sorry..." you mumbled.

"But, just so you know-- it's gonna be a lot," he informed you.

"I can help!" you offered. "I don't mind staying late--"

"No, it's not your problem to solve," he shook his head.

"It's really okay," you promised, "I-I know I don't know my way around as well as you, but I can at least pick up the slack, right?"

You could tell by his expression that he was still planning to say no, so you spoke up first.

"I won't bug you, I swear-- I just want to be helpful! I won't ask any stupid questions--"

"Fine," he blurted out, sighing as little as you smiled. "Fine. You can stay late and help. But if we're not done by 8, you're going home."

"Great," you beamed.

~

You got the impression that you were more help than he was expecting, but you still found yourself distracted by him all too often. He just looked so good like this: running his fingers through his hair, filling his exposed chest with heavy sighs...

Once or twice, he almost caught you looking at him, but you darted your eyes back to the paperwork at hand and pretended to be focused.

He'd been handing you things to do for him-- delegating, as you'd suggested, to ease the load. You'd finish something and hand it back, simple enough. "What else can I do to help?" you asked him after finishing a few things, but he wasn't really paying attention to you right then.

"Fuck me," he groaned.

"Okay," you blurted out. Before you could think about it, before you could process that he hadn't even heard your question, before you could wonder if you'd be hearing from HR on Monday.

"It's... just a figure of speech..." he corrected with a nervous pause, looking over at you under raised brows.

You cleared your throat and looked away, feeling your face heat up. "I know," you responded, "I was just kidding."

"Right," he nodded, eyes still on you. "Didn't look like you were kidding."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm not that funny," you shrugged. "Not every joke lands, right?"

"It wasn't funny," he agreed with a growing smirk, "but I never said it didn't land."

You swallowed as he gave you a knowing look.

"You want somethin' from me? You just have to ask," he offered, voice lower and sweeter. You shifted nervously in your seat.

"Well, I-- um..."

He leaned in a little closer to you. "Sure could use the stress relief," he grinned. "I know how bad you wanna be helpful..."

You felt a bit helpless to him as he curled his finger to beckon you closer. You stood up and approached his chair, until he patted his thigh and you nervously sat down on it.

He wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you closer; you were very aware that you'd never been this close to him before, and you bit your lip in anticipation. "Probably thought I wouldn't catch you lookin' at me, hm?" he prompted with a smile.

Damn. You thought you were more subtle...

"You wanna help me, honey?" he cooed. Finding yourself getting lost already in those warm brown eyes, you felt yourself nodding before you could think about it. He smiled wider. "Good. Why don't you get on your knees for me?"

Even as you were obeying, kneeling on the floor, you wondered if this was a bad idea-- if someone else would, for some odd reason, come back into the office and catch you like this. Why did the thought make your stomach flutter in a sort of intriguing way?

Your lip caught between your teeth as he shifted his hips with a low groan, starting to unbuckle his belt and jeans for you. You certainly had a suspicion that his dick would match his ego, but the thickness still surprised you a bit when he held it in front of your face... especially when you realized he wasn't fully hard yet. "C'mon and show me what you can do, baby," he encouraged, gently petting your head before guiding it further into his lap.

Though the reality of the situation still hadn't quite set in yet, you wrapped your lips around him and shut your eyes, humming as he moaned lowly and guided you down a bit further.

"Good girl," he praised roughly, leaning his head back and shutting his eyes. "Damn, got a nice little mouth on you..."

You hummed at the depth of his voice, feeling his cock stiffen further against your lips. You took him deeper with each bob of your head, whining a bit as he began to just barely move his hips forward into your mouth.

He groaned louder when the tip hit your throat. "Too big for you, honey?" he chuckled a bit, and you realized with wide eyes how much of his length was still left. "S'okay, baby, I know somewhere that you can fit all of this..."

You looked up at him, eyes wide, and felt your walls flutter at his devious smirk.

"Wanna come up here and make good on that offer to fuck me?" he chuckled.

You took your mouth off of him and eagerly jumped up into his lap, whimpering with need as he started to push your skirt up. "Javi," you moaned under your breath, letting your eyes flutter shut as his warm hands ran up your thighs--

"What?" he asked, and you jumped in your chair a bit as your eyes opened again. Your face flushed as you realized how far you'd let yourself fall into the fantasy.

"U-uh, nothing," you choked, shuffling around aimlessly with the stack of papers in front of you.

"If you're tired, you can head home," he assured, "it's no trouble-- I can finish this all up--"

"No, no, it's fine," you shook your head, offering him a nervous smile. "I'm all yours for the night."

"Hm?" he tilted his head.

"Um, you know-- it's just a figure of speech," you explained with a sigh.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for abandoning my assistant at our new job?

I (22F) am a grocery store department manager and my assistant (26F) is my best friend. We previously worked at nice, low-volume, good work culture type store for a year and a half together while she was still a clerk. The notoriously horrible and constantly-falling-apart store down the street suddenly had two openings for our department for manager and assistant manager. She was definitely overqualified to become an assistant and I had good reports as the manager at this location, and thought we could work some magic on that place and really shape it up. So we made a plan, applied for the transfer and we were accepted. Once we started working there the department started performing amazingly and the people within the department were very happy with us as the new management crew.

Two issues - number 1 there is a store assistant manager who is racist, homophobic, and sexually harasses employees (she has 15+ HR complaints against her and it’s beyond me why corporate doesn’t fire her). She has targeted my assistant and within her first 5 days of working there, she wanted to call for a replacement, and called her lazy. I knew about this person before transferring but my assistant didn’t. I warned her beforehand and encouraged her to use the corporate HR hotline to report any and all behavior. (I have been a victim of this lady too, she asks me invasive sexual questions…)

Number 2 - I am now being worked 7 days a week, 10-12 hour days, and various start times anywhere between midnight and 1 pm. I’ll be off at 4 pm from a day shift, have to go back in at midnight, work midnight to noon, and then cover the evening call out by going in for another 2 hours from 4pm-6pm. Because I’m the manager, I can be worked like a dog but other people are not allowed to even stay an hour of overtime per week. My sleep deprivation has led me to faint, be hospitalized, miss doctors appointments, etc. All around awful. My store managers recognize that I’m suffering but due to corporate standards for scheduling, there is no escaping this, unless I want to make my poor assistant go through what I’m going through, which I refuse to allow another person to experience this.

I can’t take it anymore. I finally broke when I showed up to a scheduled overnight shift 2.5 hrs late due to pure exhaustion, and started having hallucinations on shift. Corporate surprised us at 8 am that day and gave my department a bad review, and I broke down in the middle of the sales floor in front of corporate, customers, and my store managers screaming “FUCK THIS I CAN’T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE.”

I was surprised that I wasn’t fired but store management was surprised that I didn’t walk out. I didn’t because I have rent to pay. But the incident finally made me realize that this store is hurting my health and I’ve decided to send applications out to other jobs. Stepping down within the company or transferring back to the old store is not an option because department head is not open and even if I stepped down, they’d still work me like a department manager because they know what work I’m capable of. I want something new, a fresh clean slate.

However my assistant very badly needed this pay raise and guaranteed full time contract. She wouldn’t leave. She has an upcoming wedding and needs to put food on the table for her child. She is my best friend outside of work and we’re very close. I would feel terrible abandoning her in an already shitty work situation that I dragged her into - it was my idea and my reference for her promotion. I made promises to take care of a certain portion of duties if she did another portion. If I left, it would be ALL on her, job of both assistant and manager either as an assistant or if she’s offered manager. Either way, that would be a worse schedule than what I’m going through right now. And she would have to deal with that terrible store assistant alone. Anyways, I’d be scared to lose her friendship if I left. But I can’t take it anymore. She recognizes that too, however, she’s sympathetic to the literal medical faults my schedule is causing.

I feel like it’s my fault that she got harassed in the first place, and I feel like it’s my fault that she’s now unhappy with her job. I don’t want to lose my best friend.

WIBTA for leaving my job?

What are these acronyms?

[dollsonmain]

Ok, Son's at school. I didn't realize they're getting out early on Thursday instead of on Friday, so I have a lot less alone time before another long holiday break than I thought.

Ugh. I do honestly like spending time with my Son, but not the noise videos he likes. They hurt. He's good about understanding when I can't take it anymore, though, and will either go in another room or is comfortable with me going down to the basement for a while.

I think maybe we'll listen to some of those records that I found unbearable together over the holiday. I think Son might like those, and while I don't like them, it doesn't mean he's not allowed to.

Still need to get a record cleaning kit.

-

That Guy is pushing both Son and me to get jobs somewhere in town without cars. I'm like, how we get to work????

He usually yells at me that I'm making excuses, then yesterday in the car yelled that he'd drive us, and had already said that.

He never said that.

He said he'd get Son a car once Son got his license, and then Son could take himself to work, and every time I mention how would I get to work he's said I'm making excuses and also said that I'd get the job first and then we'd figure out transportation which is illogical.

Not once did he say he intended to personally drive us to work, at least not until yesterday.

I don't think he means that anyway.

How's he going to do that? He leaves for work at 5 am, and if I don't start until like 9am to 6pm because I'd have to work full time to qualify for insurance which is what this is all about, I mean, I'm not sitting around my workplace for an extra 4-5 hours before my shift especially if I happen to find an office job and the office is closed until work time. That's just not possible in the winter.

Then he has to be home in time to drive Son to work after school but if he's not getting to work himself until 9 or 10 am because he has to drive me, then he's not getting home until 7 or 8 because it's a long commute (1 hr 15 minutes one way) to HIS work, and Son's work would probably be something like 5 to 10pm because he is a teenager in school.

Then he'd be having to go pick me up around 6 pm, and Son at maybe 10pm. They'd get home around 11.

The only other option is that I manage to stumble upon some legitimate work-from-home (I'd rather work outside and interact with people; I've been trapped in this house and isolated for 16 years) or work overnights, but he's vetoed the idea of me working nights because he doesn't want to sleep alone.

Depending on where Son and I would be working we might be able to manage our schedules such that Son goes to work right after school (5pm or so start time, gives him time to come home, shower, get dressed, and leave again) and then I start work when Son's shift is ending so that That Guy makes one trip to town to drop Son off at work, another to pick up Son and drop me off and that would be roughly 9:30 pm to 10:30 pm if we happen to work in the same place or at least nearby each other. He'd get home and get to bed around 11. Then That Guy has to come and get me at 7am which is right after Son gets on the bus (meaning That Guy would have to get up with Son in the morning to make sure he got on the bus because I wouldn't be there), bring me home, and then he might be leaving for work around 8:30 am assuming he did his morning get-ready before leaving to get me. Gets to work at 9:30, works the full shift so off work at 6:30 pm, then gets home at 7:30, though more like 8:30 or even 9 due to rush hour traffic out of the DC Metro area and at that point Son's missed most of his work shift...

It's the same as the insurance thing. He demands it happens then gets in the way of it happening and blames others for it not happening.

What he needs to do to make this work the way he wants it to is get at least one more car that son and I could share or for us to move somewhere the two of us can walk to work.

Either way, it's going to cost him money to not have to spend his money on us and he's short circuiting trying to figure out how to make this all work without him spending any money.

[all-for-geek]

The Company Party

Fandom: Alex Bale/Don't Feed the Muse

Summary: Jared is a private guy. He spends his days alone working for the IT Department, and he's fine with that. He wouldn't enjoy going to some company party. No way.

Word Count: 1,435

This piece of Jared fluff was requested by @sam-harz. I hope you enjoy!

In the dank recesses of Happy Meat Farms HQ, there was a room darker and dingier than the rest. It was a room that few ventured near, but the inhabitant of the room didn’t mind too much. He was never very good with people anyway. He was content with spending his days there staring at the computers, helping Mother in any way he could.

He loved the work he did in IT, genuinely. Every new person or problem was a fun little puzzle sent his way. The hard ones were always the best. Victoria was probably his favorite. He had to search deep in her files to find the hair incident. He had never felt more pride than when he sent that information up to HR.

Something wet and soft nudged against Jared’s hand. One of the mutant dogs had taken a liking to him and lived with him in his room. He had named it Bobbo. Bobbo stared at him, begging for affection that Jared was more than happy to give. He scratched the bottom of Bobbo’s chin slowly and carefully so that his metal hand did not break skin. It wouldn’t faze the mutant mutt, but Jared always felt bad.

A loud thud outside of Jared’s door made him jump in his seat. If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought someone knocked on his door. But no one knocks on his door. Someone must have dropped something outside again. He returned to petting Bobbo, but when the thud occurred two more times, he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Jared opened his door enough so that his center eye could be seen. It was the new guy, Wesley. He vaguely remembered getting his file when he was first given his Muse, but Jared never got anything after that. He must have been very eager to join the family. Or very desperate. Or both.

“Hello?” Jared’s voice was scratchy from lack of use.

“Hey, man,” Wesley replied with the usual chipper attitude of the others. Jared had never been very good at putting that mask on, but he didn’t need to with his role. “We were throwing a company party, and I figured I would let you know.”

“A party?”

“Yeah, I think it’s something that human businesses do to celebrate milestones or holidays.” Jared rolled his two eyes that were out of view. He knew what a company party was. He could remember a few from before he joined the family. That wasn’t the part he was confused about.

Wesley handed him a flier through the crack in the door. “It’s going to be tomorrow at 8 in the evening. See you then?”

“If I finish my tasks, then maybe,” Jared answered before promptly closing the door.

He looked down at the poster. It was very well made. Someone from the art department must have put it together. Jared tossed it to the side. Wesley was new, so he probably didn’t know how things worked yet. No one talked to Jared, so Jared didn’t talk to anyone. And Jared was fine with that.

Bobbo caulked his head in confusion. Jared shrugged before continuing with his work.

The next day, Jared was where he always was. In his room, working in the dark. It was a surprisingly light day. With the final phase being so near, there were not as many hosts that needed motivation, so it was mostly tidying up the files that he was sent. 

Jared pushed his swivel chair through the walls of servers to the TV he had set up in the back. He had been a good boy, so he deserved a treat. He pulled out his Spongebob box set, and searched for the right episode. He settled on “Ghost Host”. The Flying Dutchman had always been a favorite character of his.

Just as the theme song got into full swing, Bobbo started barking. Jared shifted his left eye so that he could see the dog at the door staring at him.

“Do you need to go out, boy?” he asked. He slowly got up from his chair, feeling the pops and cracks from a long day of work. He opened the door, but Bobbo didn’t go bounding down the hall like he normally did. Instead, he stayed on the threshold, staring at Jared.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Bobbo immediately bounded the hallway. Luckily, the dog would stop and wait for Jared before turning a corner. Otherwise, Jared would have lost him before he got out of his room. 

As Bobbo continued to twist and turn through the halls, Jared recognized his surroundings less and less. This was definitely not the normal way that Bobbo went to go outside, but Jared quickly shrugged it off. Perhaps, Bobbo just wanted to go for a walk. As long as one of them knew how to get back. Jared would never in a million years have guessed what was on the other side of the door Bobbo just ran through.

As Jared burst through as well, every head turned towards him. Most of his family, many of whom had gone through digestion, but some who had not yet, were clustered in various groups of three or four. Some were sitting at the tables that had neatly been set out. Others were in the middle grabbing more food from the long table off to the side covered in a variety of meats.

It was a party. The party that Jared had had no intention of going to. The one that he had just bursted into like he had. Everyone was staring at him. Was it normal for people to stare at the new arrival to a party? It doesn’t seem like it should go on this long. Either way, he was stuck here now. If he ran, Mother, how he wanted to run, that would be worse. Maybe if he stood there long enough, they would stop staring. Maybe-

“Jared! Hey, man.” Wesley walked over and ushered Jared into the room. Thankfully, everyone else turned back to their own conversation. 

Wesley led Jared over to a table where Mark, Antonio, and Carl were sitting. He remembered those three well. Or, there human forms at least. They had all been a handful before they joined the family. 

“Hey, Jared,” Antonio greeted, “Oh hey, great job with the information for the Drawing Room. It really stopped Mark from being difficult. At least for a little bit.” He turned over to Mark. “No offense.”

Mark shrugged. “None taken.”

“Uh…thanks.” Jared remained standing, looming over the four. The chairs were designed for humans, so he had to. He missed his special chair.

“It’s great to see you out and about, Jared,” Carl said, “It’ll do you some good to get away from those screens from time to time.”

Jared stared, confused. “You all… want to see me?”

They stared at him. Why do people always stare at him?

“Of course, we do,” Mark chuckled, “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Because I came out incomplete. I am not fully Jared the human the host, but I am not Jared the muse either. I figured that’s why no one ever talked to me.”

The look they all gave him sent shivers up his spine. Why did they all have to look at him with such big, pitiful faces? It was fine. He didn’t mind the isolation. He liked being alone…right?

“Oh shoot, Jared we’re sorry,” Wesley said.

“We always thought that you were just a private guy,” Carl added, Do you…want us to come visit more often?”

Jared was surprised with how quickly he answered. “That would be acceptable.”

On that note, the five continued to make small-chat and enjoy themselves. Jared would tell stories about particularly tricky hosts while the others discussed their own troubles with their hosts. By the end of the party, Jared was sitting down on the floor with Bobbo curled up in his lap. He found himself stretching out his farewell to his family, his friends, for as long as he could. When he got back to his room, he smiled genuinely for the first time in a long while.

In the dank recesses of Happy Meat Farms HQ, there was a room darker and dingier than the rest. It was a room few ventured to often, but those who did could always count on good company and a fun story. The inhabitant of the room didn’t mind the intrusion much. He was happy to spend his days here, helping his family in any way he could.

[save-the-spiral]

Wiztober 2022 Day Eight: Existential

part of maliswap :) ill properly link stuff when its not past my bedtime and i have an 8 hr shift tomorrow so. dedicated to @woop02 ty ty ty for the feedback and likes!!

content warning for child neglect, child abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, funerals, grief, dead parents and stuff.

(Prompt List) (buy me coffee?) (Maliswap AU Masterpost)

Your father dies and the world ends with him. You hear secondhand news of it and run back home to Wizard City, away from the life you made for yourself in Marleybone.

You return and your mother is nearly catatonic with grief. You speak to your uncle and he hides his own grief with biting words that bring you to tears, embarrassed and ashamed to have even asked, as if you had no right to know how your father died.

At some point you get the message and stop trying to involve yourself in any of it, the funeral planning, the funeral itself, the grief. You don’t speak at the funeral itself, instead just standing there with a trained stoicism so you don’t shatter into a million pieces.

Already you want to go back to your shitty flat in Marleybone, where the water pressure is awful and you scrounge to properly feed yourself but at least you are free and left well enough alone. You forgot how much the ambient magic of Ravenwood grates at your skin, makes it hard to breathe.

You sit in your empty childhood bedroom, waiting for an opportunity to go back home, when your mother finally speaks to you after weeks of nothing.

She offers, yet again, to teach you magic. You nearly dismiss her immediately.

You are not good with magic. You cannot cast spells. Your mana is nonexistent, and so casting magic draws only on your health, breaking your body down in substitute. There is a reason you chose Marleybone, where magic is less common and even frowned upon in some circles, as a home.

Your mother brings you a book, however. It is not Life or Death or even Myth like your family has tried to teach you before. A dark swirling spiral inside of a squared triangle rests in the middle, gleaming mercurial in the light of your lamp. You don’t plan on reading the book, but take it anyway because this is your mother giving it and she is already so fragile with grief and its the first time she’s spoken to you since you moved out of the house nearly five years ago now.

The book sits on your nightstand for only a few hours before you succumb to boredom and curiosity and read it.

And it makes so much sense.

Magic always hurts you, but this magic is made to hurt. It is a balanced trade in exchange for changing something so integral to the fabric of the universe, for bending the light that weaves the celestial schools, for twisting the wizard that is made of the spiritual schools, for the change of the fundamental pieces of the universe that is the elemental schools.

This would be worth it, you think. 

It is late enough for your brain to buzz and eyes to ache when you finish reading the book. You did not realize how absorbed you were, how thoroughly you immersed yourself in the new knowledge.

How easy it was to read, for being in a language you don’t know, a language that has been dead for eons.

When you ask your mother about why she gave you the book, she seems to almost smile and its enough for you to not question her vague answer.

The magic of the shadow school is something new, something you can finally handle. You can finally become the wizard your father and mother and uncle wanted you to be, powerful and able to defend yourself. Able to make changes and live as you want.

Your mother gives you advice, tells you to write down your experiences. She gives you exercises to attempt and says they’re a part of standard magical training that you never got after failing to even cast a firecat without coughing up blood as a kid.

This magic, this guidance, it gives you a purpose in the grand scheme of the Spiral. It gives you what you’ve lacked for so long. It gives you so much and you return in kind as one should, as is only polite.

You give so much of yourself away until there is so little left.

Your mother is so proud of you.

[badjsarchive]

I just have so many plans. Before the year started, I have already listed those in my mind— I'll go to the gym, I'll create a new savings account, I'll finish reading the book that I left untouched for months, etc.

However, my schedule really does not permit me because I have 2 jobs. I work an 8-hr shift from 9:00pm-6:00am and then I have a 4-hr shift the morning after. I don't have a fixed schedule for that, but my part-time job requires me to go to the office and my commute consumes my time.

I cannot let go of this side hustle because my pay is already as good as the salary of an entry-level full-time employee. Also, I don't have a lot to do like right now, I just finished my task for today and I'm not even here for 1 hour.

To gym-goers, what is the best time to work-out? I am thinking of doing it before my 9:00pm shift (I'll be sleeping first once I get home from my part-time job) and then I'll get dinner after. Also, how many hours does a decent work-out routine take?

To bookworms out there, any good book reco? I am close to finishing Kite Runner.

Would appreciate your insights! *:･ﾟ✧

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

1.2.24 Tuesday

7:04 am

Hmm... Aunt Teresa called last night coz my fake biological mother planned to go there.... By the way she called not on my mobile but on Uncle DD's mobile.

Betsilog'z is very,very excited to go to Japan, in a lil while...

I'm not gonna go with them coz I'm no longer a child and they are not assisting me correctly...

Well, it is up to them coz I need to have my own life and my own job. Though, I still have windblow but I need to have job... I don't like staying here in Cavite but our house is here and I still need to get a job for myself...

I wanted to meet rightful people along the way. I'm tired here in Cavite so many fakes and plastics...

I wanted to maintain a job, for me to grow... Like what I said it is my dream,one of my biggest dreams to be on TV.

Now, that I'm already 43 this year... I feel bitterish... I wanted a man who can be supportive of me... I don't want a man who will just control me....

I got some spaghetti from the house of Uncle DD and Aunt Karen, I put some on the bowl. Me,John and Uncle Jun ate as well that early Spaghetti...

Nana is still sleeping...

7:26 am

Well, I will go to SB this am hoping I can claim my card from Conduent...

10:37 am

I'm back from SB... My card is not yet available will just wait for it, waiting for their mail or Conduent's HR mail about my card...

Later will have work at 11 pm until 8am, as well as the start of my intermittent fasting/ diet... So, from 8 pm until 9 am will just take liquids of all kinds...

10:49 am

I badly need to work for me and John and I want to do butt bleaching and brazilian sooon and of course to buy Starbucks and save and travel going to sand-dunes ilocos...

I need money, angels...

I wanna join cosplay with Kaede... A stripper hahaha I need to do butt bleaching.

11:51 am

Thank God!!! John poops is already solid or back to normal... Mommy Peachy's love is the best for baby John...

12:49 noon

My God, I didn't notice that our training is 11 am as in daylight here in the Philippines and I wasn't able to do the screenshot but I know it is my mistake today... I didn't know that we shifted in the morning... Whew! I'm apologizing to Sho our facilitator in Conduent...

Anyways, my reason will be I'm processing the atm still connected to work, I think it will be acceptable aside from I mislooked the message.

Tomorrow will be 11am and I have to travel by 8am in the morning... It is very comedy in my part... Well, I can still wear my gift for myself this bonnet that I got from Penshoppe from the cash gift that I got from Aunt Karen.

The funny thing about this bonnet there is a phrase " Every Other Day" the real thing I knew the meaning but I tried asking the saleslady if she knew the meaning and she said she didn't know...

Not bad if it will be "Every Other Day" but I'm still single and there are so many things to be considered...

7:04 pm

Will eat before 8pm... Start of my intermittent fasting/ diet...

I'm somehow stress, I'm removing John's ticks and fleas manually again... Grrr...

My life is not a piece of cake angela... Our lives are completely upside down...

Doing this and that, thinking of my job and my baby-John... I have to keep the job... Cleaning and feeding here and there coz we can't afford to have helper or my assistant anymore...We are somehow on the downtown... Yeah! Tight budgeting... A poorish category, a downtown...

7:15 pm

I'm thinking if I'm gonna change my fasting time coz my shift on going to work is from 11 am until 7pm... hmm... Aside from I need to thrift... I hate this morning shift schedule but I have to follow of course, I'm just an employee, it feels that my rest time is not enough.... It feels that the rest time is shorter... But of course, I have to follow...

The shift from 11 am for me coz I'm travelling far, it looks like much more expensive coz of the break time on lunch and dinner... You get my point angels...

I'm thinking.... I'm thinking... Hmm...It is not good to eat at night,right?

7:31 am

I'm really thinking coz my body or biological clock needs to be fed at 12 noon and I need some dinner coz I had ulcer for skipping the lunch, brunch is fine... I just need to eat something... Whatever!!!

I have budget to keep coz I'm just working and it seems no help now coz we are on downtown in life these days...

I wanted a vanity oh! Courage, Courage and more Courage!

Courage to keep the beauty! Courage to work for my baby-John! Courage to save for my Starbucks! Courage to save for my travel in Sand Dunes ilocos! More Courage for my butt bleaching! A lot more Courage for my brazillian!!! COURAGE!!!

More Courage for my bonnet tomorrow! Yeah! I'm a thief!!!

10:26 pm

Still,have windblow... Still, worrying...

Hmm....Yeah! I just checked whatever food we have here... There are still fruits, it can survive me... Like an apple a day keeps a doctor away or having a banana in your life makes you alive... ;)

Still, there is self-pitying in me coz of career growth and money and savings... Like what I said I don't know if I can get a regularization here... Hoping for more life coz I haven't start yet...

10:50 pm

I think this is good for tomorrow... Not bad...

Surviving...

[sesmantelar]

thank goodness for caffeine pills bc without them, I would be a literal zombie right now.

I always feel like my life is more put together when I have my nails done. Despite it now being so expensive, I really don't regret getting them done this past weekend. I feel like I can be a real pink pilates princess once again. I need to remain in said mindset so I can excel and propel myself through this degree. I have a lot of studying to do between today and tomorrow, since I want to test out of this class by Thursday at the latest. I want to dive into the next set of classes to feel like I'm finally making actual progress.

going to spend the next hour or so finishing up notes on this last section and summary, then taking a reading break, then I want to start on my printed readings. tomorrow morning I will watch all the videos from this class, work on the quizlet and finish up the handout readings. hopefully by tomorrow night I have a decent grasp on everything.

I was originally scheduled to work tomorrow, but for some reason my name is not on the schedule. I'm taking it as a blessing however because I didn't have good quality sleep before pulling this 16 hour shift. so when I get home tonight, I will do my self care, get golden, put my laundry away, read, draw if I have the energy and sleep no later than 2 so I can be up by 8 at the latest and have a full and productive day tomorrow.

I also started a20 hr fast today because I have been lacking discipline completely and tend to self sabotage. clearly, I'm incapable of holding myself to eating standards so until it becomes a habit again, I have to automatically say no to offered food, the most I can do is chew and spit, and that has to be a last resort. I need to get my eating in control because my asia trip is around the corner and I want to feel confident and beautiful in my own skin when I go - I want to have my second round of filler done, my composite bonding done, to be 10 pounds lighter (very possible I JUST NEED TO STOP EATING DOMINOS EVERY SINGLE NIGHT). I keep saying it's time, but I need to really change my habits because self sabotage is not the way.

[coastalhorrors]

I've already taken 3 Tylenol why won't my headache go away T_T

[kaitlynpcallmebeepme]

Two hearts beat as one

Two hearts beat as one

Spencer Reid x Fem!reader

Idea: Spencer x reader friends to lovers based the idea off of a blurb from @rintsuru where Reid shows the reader a magic trick where he writes something on a card and shows it to the rest of the team (they know he likes you) and shuffles the deck and pulls out not their cards and then says something like its behind your ear and then that's when the reader pulls the card out and reads will you go on a date with me. Reid frames that card in glass later.

Add a part where spencer just loves how she thinks of random things, after she gets shown the card and answers she says, you know the doctor had 2 hearts, how do you think cpr would work on him

Requested: Nope.  @halloween-is-my-nationality​ This was the Spencer idea I had that I said I would write.  

Author’s Note:  Ok, 12 hour night shifts aren’t terrible, for me at least.  It’s just bad when I either have not gotten sleep the night before or I have to do something the morning I get off.  I’m currently 7 hrs after getting off my night shift and I’m not tired enough to go to sleep, so I finished this (which I also started on my bored night shift last night).  I’m going to try to sleep after this.  I made the perspective Spencer’s in the first person for the most part.  I couldn’t resize the card picture.  Requests are still open.  Feedback is always appreciated.  Also, tell me if you want to be part of a Tag List and I’ll tag you when I upload something new.

Warning: Just some cuteness, card magic, Doctor Who references, and Morgan being the big brother that Spencer needs.

Word Count: 1,351 

“You can’t just keep staring at her forever pretty boy.”  There goes Morgan again teasing me about my very obvious, but still trying to hide it, crush on my co-worker and team member.  

“I’m not staring.  I’m silently observing and you were staring at her first, I just followed your line of sight.”

“But I haven’t kept staring at her for 3 minutes.”

“2 minutes 47 seconds. You’ve been staring at her for 23 seconds.”

“Just ask her out pretty boy. You got some game to you.”

“The last time you tried this with me it was really awkward, we were on a case, and in a loud bar.  My brain was distracted with too many things that time.”

“It’s definitely distracted now.”  I hate to admit when he’s right.  She’s the only person who can make me lose my train of thought if she’s speaking or just listening to me.    

“Ok well if this is so interesting to you instead of all of the other women throwing themselves on you, then at least try to be helpful.”  I couldn’t stand Morgan’s teasing much more.  Yes, we hung out every weekend and watched some nerdy show or movie.  So what.  Garcia has seen most of them already and Y/n’s the only other person in this building who will watch any of that genre in general, much less with me.  She’s just perfect, from the way she’ll read Harry Potter at her desk or has Supernatural and Sherlock stickers on her laptop and will trace them with her fingers every so often.   

“Hey, I'm trying to help my brother ask out his future wife.”

“And you’re jumping from step negative 10 to 8 of relationships.  I start on the scale at a negative 20.  Work with me.”

“If you are not going to ask her out, there has to be reasoning behind the hesitation.  You only ever do things when the odds are in your favor.”  That was one thing Morgan was right on.  There was a lot of hesitation.  No one’s ever liked me that way, liked or put up with my rambles, and wanted to stick around for the stressful and dangerous career I chose.

“I just don’t want her to not like me then leave like those who left before.”

“I guarantee you that won’t happen.  You guys hang out every break we get, she’s met your mom, always sits next to you on plane rides, plays with your hair when you don’t notice, knows to grab you lunch and take care of you when you won’t take care of yourself, and if we could, you two would be sleeping in the same room on cases.”  What a list Morgan.  You’ve been keeping tabs on us.

“Hotch would probably make us have ground rules to keep professionalism so the department doesn’t separate us off the team.”

“So you do want there to be an ‘us’?” Morgan’s teasing tone is so annoying.  But I have to admit he’s right.  I want to wake her up to breakfast in bed and read to her until she falls asleep next to me.  

“I just don’t want to lose her either way.”  

“I get that.  It’s the fear that’s holding you back.  Fear of if it’s worth it to not have that happiness but still have her in your life.  But, from what I can see, the way she look at you, always asks about how you’re doing when I get a call from her on a case, the way she's the first person you ask anything to case related or not.  You two were made for eachother.  You aren’t going to find that magic in just anyone.”

That phrase hit me.  I know now how to ask her out without saying anything and, if I’m honest with myself, it was one of the better ideas I’ve come up with.  

"You know what I'm going to ask her right now."  I opened my office desk drawer, grabbed two things, and marched off to her, avoiding the unnecessary stress from Morgan’s smirk.  Having already finished her paperwork, she was reading Goblet of Fire at her desk, but her attention turned to me as I went up to her desk.  

"What's with the cards Spence? You have another magic trick to show me?"

Ok Spencer, now or never. 

"Yes, and so you don't have to memorize the card number I'm going to write on this one and this will be your card." I took out the marker I had brought with me and wrote on one of the cards.

"Are you sure Spence? Wouldn't that be ruining a good deck of cards?"

"It's fine.  Now." I flipped the card with the note on it over so only the back showed and she didn’t see the message.  I could start to see the team at least gazing in our direction wondering what was going on.  I turned back to her because I wouldn’t be able to finish this if I was focusing on the team.  I placed the card in the middle of the deck.  "These are going to get shuffled by you." She grabbed the deck, split it in two, shuffled it three times, and handed it back.  Counting strategically I moved a couple more cards out of the deck that I knew weren't hers.  I placed one card in front of her.  "Flip that card over and see if that's it." She picked it up and, not surprisingly, it wasn't her card. I flicked through the backs of a couple more cards deleting some from the counting.  I handed her another card. "Is that your card?" 

She flips that card over. "No. Spencer are you sure you're doing this right?"

"Yes I am.  Ok, one more try."  I pay close attention to cards as their stiff corners flip through my fingers.  I pull out the last card, my nerves rising as I pushed it across the table to her.  "That's your card." I said with the most amount of confidence I could mustard up at the moment.

She picks it up, and her eyes widen.  

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes. I would love to go out with you Spencer Reid."

She smiled as she held the card.  I was just cherishing that this moment went so well for how little time I planned it. 

"Did you pick the two of hearts because of our two hearts or because the Doctor has two hearts and we both love Doctor Who?"

"Mainly for the two of us and that couple saying 'two hearts beat as one'."

"How do you think CPR would work on the Doctor since he has two hearts?"  That was a question I wasn’t expecting after this.  Back to our nerdy-selves.

"Well they showed that in the 2005 version Season 3 episode 1 where Martha performed CPR on the Doctor.  Although it was inaccurate CPR as she did 5 compressions per breath where as it's supposed to be 30 compressions then two breaths, and the doctor was suffering from blood loss as well as hypoxia, so compressions and breaths alone would have done little to help without a transfusion or a fluid bolus, but I think it would still work as long as the compressions are helping to pump both of his hearts. However, I sus- *kiss*."

I did not expect her to kiss me that quickly.  It was only a quick kiss as she also knows I’m not someone who shows big signs of PDA, especially in the work place, but I’d let her kiss me any time.  

"And that's why I love you Spencer Reid."

I could care less about the fact that the rest of the BAU could see us, or that Morgan was probably about to clap me on the back, or Penelope filming this whole interaction right now.  I found my other half.  She kissed me again, longer and deeper this time, and then took the playing card. "This is getting framed, so you'll be down one card babe."

"That's ok. I don't think Jack and Henry will mind."

[fuck-customers]

Fuck coworkers/managers/etc

07/26/22, happened 07/24/22

(Tw animal death mid post)

I worked at an animal shelter for 3 weeks…or, technically less because it was 10 total days, only 4 hr shifts starting Tues. the 5th. Long post.

And they did not let me go until Sunday after my shift was nearly fucking over?? It was “at will employment” i guess? Where they can do that legally? I feel it’s insanely disrespectful how they approached it. No warning, no issues brought up. Nothing.

The woman (head of the org?) came over to me around 11:30 (when I’m done at 12)

& said that they can’t keep me as a reg employee

& she thinks I’m a great person

& I have a special connection with the cats.

The problem?? The fucking problem??

All she really said was sort of “It doesn’t seem like this is a good job for you, is it? We’re going to have a lot more animals coming in,

and it’s a lot to keep track of, and we wanted everyone to jump right in. You do things when for ex I say, this needs done, but you seem to be having a hard time. What do you think?”

I assume they chose to get rid of me due to financials and petty issues from this fucking lady that works there.

This job switched to smth completely different from what I signed up for.

We each applied to work with either cats or dogs, can work both but mostly we work separate and it’s individual responsibility.

They planned on scheduling training for us, but wanted to get us set up to work when the animals were planned for, and know basics. They knew I only had some volunteer experience & knowledge from keeping pets.

Ok so I’m there Tues night, Sat & Sun morning. A lot changes thru/out a week. No emails, no phone calls, no group communication. Fuuucck that.

We have reports we’re supposed to write for each shift, so each person coming in knows all the updated info. Apparently no one fucking reads it.

Apparently I don’t get credit for being caring & observant.

The day before I got let go was one of my worst shifts. I go in, and I’m the only one there.

Another big important rule when I first was fucking hired:

2 people are required to be there at 8 am. Me & whoever else, I was there at 8.

She was fucking not, then waited in parking lot for 15 mins knowing I was inside. Came in around 8:30

Okay so this lady.

I only met her once not even actually introduced,

and she was like “oh yeah btw we have this list in order of what needs done,” I’m like ok sure,, don’t fucking trust her word for it as 100% fact bc idk what her fucking role is

She’s not an authority over me, I do what Ik best

Well this day is a week later when she’s late. And I check the animals, turn on lights, read report, wait for second person.

Dogs are 1st priority but as 1 person I’m not taking dogs out of kennel to go outside:

what if they jump or bite or whatever?? Despite trust, that’s basic human decency/safety etc.

She walks in all “did you take dogs out??”

And I said no and she’s like

“You’ve got to take the dogs out first thing”

And I’m like “ok no one was here yet, and there were dead mice in the cats room I cleaned up”

And she said “idc abt dead mice I care abt the dogs”

O fucking k? The cats cld get sick eating mice or from whatever disease the mice had? Or if they are rat poison? Etc

And she said “the dogs are nice, you don’t even have to take them on leashes” ??? Yes you fucking do??? That was a major rule when I started,, they didn’t let me try to put a dog out w/out one??

And this lady lives 5 mins away so she runs home randomly thru out her shifts?? And she’s apparently in a high position in the org?? And runs the social media??

But she had all these “tik tok” ideas for animals yet didn’t know how to fucking use the app?? Why waste time on that shit then??

Later I was cleaning cat & kitten rooms, getting their food/water & I knew one was missing, could not figure out where it was.

Then I turned & saw one on the bottom part of one of their playpen type things??

And it had a collar on it to keep track of it compared to similar ones/potentially due to preparing for adoption?? So it was big & healthy seeming?? Mystery death?

It was lying there, attached to the fabric at the claws, I assumed sleeping, touched it, tried to wake it, realized it was still & dead.

It must’ve passed the night before due to it being stiff & colder to touch. I immediately took out the toy w/it attached & said “I think this kitten is dead??”

And the lady took it & ran to the other room. She exclaimed how she was sure it was “fading kitten syndrome,” like SIDS for kittens, and we had 2 kittens fr the same litter who might die soon too.

Ofc I was upset, lost my composure when returning to the kittens, and then I helped remove all the toys & other items & deep cleaned the room.

Later the staff threw out a file on the kitten & said smth like “we never had that kitten,” as if they were erasing it somehow??

we open 12-5 on weekends. people walked in and I assumed they knew the hours, I was busy filling out a report & such. Big signs outside the building advertise our open hours. They went thru sections & asked abt animals.

The head of the org.‘s husband asked me ‘what’s the deal w these people?’ As if it’s my responsibility when there were 5 of us nearby

So I said “here for adopting I think, or is it not noon yet?” & he was like “yeah it’s not noon”

he informed them of the hrs yet proceeded w allowing them to go thru the process

Later, I was almost done and in the office, a few staff were discussing the new dogs arriving Monday, so I waited, listened, and asked questions.

The head org./woman running the shelter ‘behind the scenes’ said, “no, there won’t be any new rules or anything, we’ll be here,’ meaning extra ppl wld be present to handle all the new animals

& I wouldn’t hv to figure out care on my own for my shift after they’d arrived (I assumed is it what was meant by the answer)

But everyone was already acting slightly suspicious or bemused by my presence/concerns??

And then the next day, mere hours before I was let go, I worked w this girl who was also quiet/kept to herself, so I assumed we were on the same page.

She was fast and got the dogs out, so I went to the cats & isolation room (away from the cats/dogs, w kittens who have health concerns)

In the cat area, she was rushing to get rooms done?? She handed me the litter scoop & said “here, these 2 rooms need done”

& then later was like “oh right that’s what I was going to have you do, spray, wipe off the windows”

O fucking k again why tf are you telling me wtf to do? I’m fine to do what needs done but why are you being this way??

(It seems they all had a group discussion abt me & decided to act/treat me this way??)

I do tasks sort of out of order/seemingly disorganized or scatterbrained bc if I try to get one task done, I hv to get back to another room to get all the fuckign tools I need.

Then I hv to find out where someone left smth,

handle animals who try to run out of rooms, give them attention, notice other issues, etc.

I was offended that she was rushing around and not communicating or seeing where I was/what I was up to

instead of assuming I wasn’t doing what needed done??

And she left the one dog in the indoor play area while she left the room, and he wanted to be let out? I assumed she was taking responsibility for the dogs.

And then he was audibly crying and I was running around the rooms doing other tasks, so again, idk why she fucking left him there ?

It was 11 smth when head org woman and her husband arrived, went into office, etc,

I got to finishing cleaning the windows, checking on things, they’d been there 20+ mins before she told me they were letting me go.

So I’m not sure if they had a discussion in the office and chose to do that that day???

And few mins before it seemed the other girl mentioned me to them??

I feel disrespected because

I was never approached to discuss problems,,

I’m assuming I was left out of group communication maybe unintentionally? What the fuck was I missing??

They changed their expectations and did not do anything to make that clear??

Most of the job includes cleaning up animal shit which is gross and difficult, and I was expected to know how to do everything properly with no fucking training??

I’m prob autistic and I ask several clarifying questions, try to ensure I’m keeping track of new info, but they were extremely disorganized.

As one of my friends said,

they did not set me up for success.

Fuck them, fuck that situation. I was passionate and kind and did my fucking best. They want to keep me as on call and for volunteering but…

[ot3]

hey kinda heavy ace attorney question ig but I agree with you on many things about aa and feel like you have a good understanding of Phoenix and Trucy so I really wanna ask. How do you think the creation of the bloody ace was handled? I’ve seen the idea that Trucy took matters into her own hands and made it as a failsafe without his knowledge, and that he then covered for her, but if that were the case I wonder how he knew about it and planned around it at his trial. I’ve also seen the idea that he made it himself, but gave it to her for delivery to Apollo; which maybe seems the most apparent but I really dislike it because…. It means he uses her to deliver forged evidence. In much the same way he was given the diary page, really. it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve also seen some people suggest that he made it but only gave it to her for use at her discretion, which does give some agency back to her but I also question whether Phoenix would be right in placing that on her shoulders and making it her responsibility. Sorry this expanded into a ridiculously long ask but I really am curious about your take on it?

eoooh yes yes yes i love talking about phoenix and trucy lets goooooo. i actually have a scene from my (still pretty rough and probably never to be finished) wip longfic covering this scene, which ill sick below the cut, but i'll just give my generic thoughts here first.

i think phoenix asked her to do it. trucy having enough detailed knowledge of the crime scene and the events leading up to it and the actual mechanical operation of trials that would be required in order to come up with this plan just doesn't make any sense to me. phoenix is really the only one who could have theoretically concocted this particular move. but since he was presumably held in the detention center until trial, trucy is from there really the only person who could have actually done the thing.

phoenix and trucy are pretty notoriously codependent; i'm headachey and melting from the heat today so rather than doing what i normally do and trawling the wiki to find the quotes that back me up on broadstrokes statements like these so i'm just gonna pull a 'dude just trust me' moment here. the fact that she helps take care of her daddy is a point of pride for her. i don't think it strips trucy of any agency for this to be phoenix's decision because it's not like trucy spends her whole life (or even the entire game) blindly following other peoples orders. her (and phoenix's ) priority at the beginning of aa4 is each other and their own wellbeing, and the decisions they have to make in turnabout trump are indicative of that.

yes, it echoes her bringing the forged evidence to phoenix 7 years ago, but it's more of an inversion/reversal (one might even say a turnabout) than a repetition of past mistakes. in the past she was an unwilling pawn in someone else's plan where her life was collateral, now she's an active and conscious participant in the plan of someone she cares about that she's doing to protect the life she and phoenix have built for themselves. She's not being forced to do it, but i don't think there's any world where she would have said no either. she and phoenix are the most important thing in the world to each other. in their own words, if one of them falls, they both fall.

was it right of phoenix to ask this of her? was it okay for him to do this to apollo, too? obviously it's not a good thing. but it was his only option at that moment. phoenix found himself in a very difficult situation. as an attorney he promised himself to the truth, and that was the principle he lived by, but as a father what he lives by is the promise he made to trucy to never disappear on her. at that moment phoenix did what he had to do to make sure the trial ended the way he needed it to. truth had to take a backseat. his priorities have shifted.

i've also spoken before at length about how i don't think phoenix was plotting against kristoph in the longterm, at least not to the degree which popular fanon seems to agree upon. so really everything he did in turnabout trump was phoenix being backed into a corner using every tool at his disposal to try and snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat. was it right of him to get trucy involved? it's no worse than bringing 8 year old pearl along to crime scenes because he needed her channeling skills. phoenix cares about people deeply but he isn't capable of shielding them from all the harm the world has to offer, and he knows he isn't. half of his capability comes from his shrewdness and willingness and ability to take help when he can get it because he knows, even if its a strain in a short term, he's fighting battles that need to be won at any cost. if that makes any sense

anyway heres the little scene i wrote below the cut.

---------- APRIL 17TH, 2026 DETENTION CENTER VISITOR’S ROOM ----------

Trucy shows up on the dot as visiting hours begin. It’s funny, she thinks. The last time she did this she had a different daddy altogether. Only it really isn’t particularly funny at all, is the thing about it, and she’s going to have quite a few stern words for the man when he gets home.

She picks up the phone on one side of the pane of bulletproof glass and he grabs the other.

“Daddy,” she huffs. “You promised me you’d stay out of trouble.”

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry, Truce.” He puts on an easy smile as he says it, and he uses the same affected tone of voice she had used to start the conversation off. Affected. Cautious, in the sense that it’s levity is entirely manufactured. A performance.

It had been like that between them for real at the beginning, both of them still unsure of each other, pantomiming something resembling a sitcom and playing the real feeling filled in as it went. Thankfully, it did, but the theatrics still lend themselves better to specific conversation.

“Well, if you’re sorry, I suppose I can forgive you! But this isn’t going to look good on your employee review, y’know. I’ll have to bring it up with HR.”

“I’m sure Charley can find it in his heart to forgive me, too.”

“He’s a gentle soul.” She nods.

“You should come watch the trial on Monday, I think it’d be good for you to see.”

“Oh? And why’s that?” Trucy doesn’t like the courthouse. Daddy knows that. She never comes when he goes to use the library there. She also hates, hates the idea of watching her daddy sit in the defendant’s chair not knowing if he’s ever going to come home again. He knows that too.

“Well, there are always interesting things to learn during a court trial. Plus, having you there would help me out a lot!” I need you to do something for me. She reads through the tone into his words’ real meaning. Her stomach clenches. A favor he can’t just outright ask for, not over the phone in the detention center, where every word would be recorded.

“Oh, daddy, no! I’m a magician, not a lawyer, although I understand the confusion.” She drapes a hand over her eyes in faux anguish. “I simply couldn’t, it isn’t my stage.”

“I disagree. I think it’s a perfect stage. Lawyers need cheering up too, you know! Back when I was a lawyer, I used to get really stressed out during cases like these. I bet one of your tricks would do the job.”

“Well what sort of trick do you want me to do?”

“Do you remember the first trick you ever did for me? It was the day we met, at the courthouse. You pulled a piece of paper out of your hat and gave it to me.”

“Yes,” she chirps, forcing a vibrant bubble into her voice. It feels like a pile of rocks in her gut and her pulse starts to quicken. “Of course I remember!”

“I bet if you did that trick again, it’d cheer up the whole courtroom! I bet I’d win my case in a heartbeat.”

----------

Her legs feel like jelly by the time the bus drops her off at the stop near the office. Daddy had kept on like that, loaded phrasing and a lopsided smile as he laced vapid banter with instructions. With warnings. She walks into the storage closet and grabs a deck of cards - one of his, the same style they use at the club, not hers for her tricks. Abruptly, she has a moment of panic as she realizes she’s not even sure what color she’s supposed to use, but then, just as fast, she forces her head clear and just grabs one of each.

They’re unopened. This makes it a cinch to find the card she’s looking for. Her stomach flips.

The worst part isn’t even what she’s doing. The worst part is that she’s doing it at all. Daddy knows well what this situation is making her feel and he’s asking her to do it anyway.

The only explanation left: he’s completely out of options.

She pulls her gloves off and grabs a needle from her sewing supplies. She pricks her finger, and lets a drop fall onto each ace.

----------

[dollsonmain]

Ok, so worst case scenario is I get mugged/murdered, freeze, die of heat stroke when I'm stuck outside waiting for my shift to start.

Inside places:

The gas station opens at 5. Maybe they'd let me be not outside in there for a couple hours. That still leaves me with half-an-hour standing around outside somewhere. Maybe I can get them to hire me for 5am to 8am or something.

Diner opens at 7 but I don't want to have to pay diner prices for breakfast every day, though I might have to and at the same time I might not have time. Diner is closed on Tuesdays.

Two different coffee shops open at 7.

So that's 3 places opening at 7 I could rotate through and dally in a bit, but that will cost at least an hour's wages every day and still leaves me outside for 2.5 hours before they open if the gas station attendants won't let me hang out, there.

CVS opens at 8 and so does the only church that's open 7 days a week. Neither of those are helpful.

Hospital is about a mile away and don't really like people loitering in their lobby. EPEC is right next to the hospital and may or may not let me in to do volunteer work, though their official open time is 8:30.

-

Then there's the issue of the food bank being run by a collective of local churches because of course they are, and I do worry that it's going to be an unpleasant workplace for a very-not-religious person like me. Are they going to be the kind and gentle type of religious or is my godless ass going to be in a pickle?

This is what I get for applying to literally everything out of desperation.

-

Part time at the food bank would be about $13k/year. That is nothing, but it's more than $0. If they like me and I can get it upgraded to full time, then it would be $16/hr for 40 hrs a week instead of $14/hr for 20.

Still not enough to survive on.

[coffeebooksorme]

Very rarely do I talk about anything other than books on here but I have to share the sheer audacity my job has right now.

I’m a night shift RN supervisor of a 210 long term care facility. Basically, I’m the DON from 11-7. This facility has lots of residents with drug/alcohol misuse problems, residents with dementia that are violent, and just a lot of opportunities for things to go sideways.

With shift differential, I make $33.79/hr. My overtime rate, which I go into every week, is roughly $46/hr.

The Risk Manager position at work is open. Risk Manager deals with falls, skin tears, elopments, complaints, resident to resident incidences, and resident to work incidences. Basically, this person has to do all the reporting to state, and then implementing care plans to help prevent those actions in the future. Risk Manager is on call 24/7 to deal with these issues because you only have so much time to report to state/APS. Not to mention I’d have to take one weekend on call every 8 weeks.

In the heirarchy of nursing home, it’s the administrator in charge and then the DON and RM are equal.

I asked for $85/k salary for this position, which I felt like was fair. I have almost 20 years experience in healthcare ranging from CNA to nurse to supervisor all exclusively in a nursing home. I never have to call Risk during the overnight hours cause I know how to deal with the day to day situations. The current DON has BEGGED me for two years to take a management position because of the bomb ass job I do on nights. 

I could go on and on about why I’m so good at my job. The tenacity and work ethic I bring my current position would be transferred to Risk Manager, thus I would be one hell of an assest to management.

These bitches countered with $75/k a year. I made $65/k a year last year with two months FMLA. I made $77/k the year before but that was with COVID bonuses included. The year before that, I made $61/k a year but that was with only a $28.78/hr pay scale.

Doing the math, if I took their offer of $75/k a year, I’d only see a $96 dollar raise on my paycheck, which we all know would go to taxes. I would lose my overtime rate and my time and a half. Fuuuuuck that.

I told my DON no. I can’t do it for less than $39/hr which is equivalent to $81.1k/year. She kept going on and on about how I’d have a normal life working days, how easy the Risk Manager job is, how I wouldn’t have to deal with call 24/7 cause it doesn’t happen much (cause I work 4 out of 7 nights and keep it from happening but the weekends are shit) and how great having Risk Manager on your resume is; basically trying to talk me into doing it. She even told me I could pick two extra shifts up a week at salary pay, no shift diff or overtime, to help supplement my income. Still told her no. I’m worth way more than that and I shouldn’t have to work more than I do currently while on a management position to equal out more money.

She’s supposedly going to go to corporate above our administrators head and try to get me more but doesn’t think she can get more than $37.50/hr.

I’m sorry, but no. The pandemic changed nursing. Corporations made MILLIONS. We’re a 5 star facility. I know it’s in the budget. You may not have negotiated for an equitable salary but I damn sure am. I know my worth as a worker. I know what I bring to the table now and I know what I can bring to the table as Risk. Pay me my worth or I stay where I’m at.

[melxncholymermxid]

2021: A Year in Review

I'm normally the last person to toot my own horn and give myself flowers, but I've seen a couple posts about what we all accomplished this year, and I wanna partake.

Early 2021 was rough. A close friend had recently been in a car accident and without a car. I'd been with her at the time and we worked together, so I offered to drive her around. She has kids so it wasn't just work, it was day care, school, groceries, her dates (she had an awful breakup in summer 2020 and she was starting to get over it), smoke seshes (she lived with her mom and without a car had nowhere to smoke and she needed to to be able to eat/sleep/etc), and any other obligations she had. This lead to having issues with getting to work myself, along with burn out and resentment on both ends in our friendship.

We also got two new managers who came from a less busy store and, to be fair to them, had no idea what they were getting into. I slowly became one of the most depended on in my department while simultaneously getting shit from managers who only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong.

I started a new job in May while continuing to stay at my old one. Haven't done that since I was 18 and my new job was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Between the two jobs, stress and little to no free time to eat, I lost quite a bit of weight. I've always had body image issues and the threat gaining it all back if I quit kept me at a work flow that I knew I really couldn't manage.

At my former job there was a posting to work at one of the locations in the Hamptons (an hour ride from where I lived). They offered to pay for travel and to raise the rate up to $18 (I made 15 and had never had a raise in nearly 2 years). This sounded like a great opportunity. The pros were

A break from my toxic store

More money

Change of pace

More freedom at my new store vs my old one

The cons however clearly outweighed them

1hr drive in traffic

Rude tourists and rich people

Still maintaining my 3-4 am job and barely sleeping before going in @12 (leaving at 11)

Working 8-9 hrs an hour away meaning getting home at 10-11 and sleeping 4 hrs before getting up and getting to my job at 3

Doing the hour drive every day, back and forth because my other job was right around the corner from my place

Not seeing my nana enough and feeling neglectful

After starting I learned that the "travel pay" was deducted from the check, and with the increase of income meant more taxes. In the end I think I made less/the same amount of money.

After the summer was over, and being practically begged by my new friends I've bonded with over the past 3/4 months to stay, I went back to my old store that was just as bad, if not worse then when I left. Another new manager and new hires that did not give a fuck (honestly, I get it) that had replaced all but one person from the old crew. When I returned, aside from getting shit from coworkers who looked down on me for leaving them, I was also alone for 6 out of my 8 hours I worked every night, closing alone. This included:

cleaning the entire department: foors, ovens, fryers(multiple times during a shift if the deli manager complained about the smell), all the dishes from the day (including morning crews mess), tables, the rotisserie chicken warmers(3) in the store, dusting the shelves in our department, and whatever else they needed

Doing 5+batches of rotisserie chickens in a small oven because our rotisserie oven was deemed unsafe by our Union and the store wouldn't call maintenance

Making fried chicken and getting a talking to every time it was empty even though it takes 15 minutes to cook and I could only make 4 packages at a time because one of our dryers was also broken

Spitting all of these chickens plus 3 bins for the morning(45 minute job) to use even though I can count on one hand the amount of times that I've walked in to work with full containers

Doing the prep work our full timer didn't get to that morning (even though when I didn't finish everything she was the first one to bring it to a managers attention)

Cooking the afternoon/night hot bar food, which pre-Covid was a 2-3 person job

On top of the stress of doing all of this alone, I was also ALONE, left to my own negative self talk and self deprecating inner monologue. It didn't help that I only got shit from every single one if my superiors

A rude older coworker who I always hear the shit she says about me from other people

A manager who to this day I still believe didn't like me because I'm black

A new manager who was the most disappointed that I left the week before he transferred to run our shit hole of a department

And multiple upper management who didn't understand how I couldn't handle the jobs of 3 people by myself

After two weeks of being back and already losing my second job, I quit. I was jobless for the first time in over two years. I was 23, an adult, and had nothing to show for it.

I live with my nana because my mother spent the first 20 years of my life being emotionally neglectful and abusive. After moving out 3/4 years prior, she's had a lot of shitty circumstances and even tho our relationship has gotten better, I've carried around guilt of leaving her a year or two after my dad left.

Late 2020 was awful in terms of my body image, sexuality, romantic/sexual relationships. I swore off the possibility of a love life; coupled with the burn out of early 2021 I started to enter my ✨nothing matters✨ phase.

Why was I killing myself working? What future was investing in?

The only positive I could cling onto is that I had saved enough to take a break from the work force. I decided to use my time to look and see what the community college was offering. Seeing as there were plenty of courses that had late registration, I enrolled and started a pharmacy technician program. I was going back to school.

As difficult as it's been to return to a school environment after 6 years of mental burnout from work and adjusting to online schooling, it's the best decision I've ever made. The program only takes a year and sets you up with a job after you complete the course and qualify for the cert exam.

Through the school I'm actually able to get mental health counseling for the first time in my life. I believe in therapy and medicine, but I never believed it would work for me. Somehow my suffering was so unique, I was beyond help. Obviously I'm not "cured", my depression didn't disappear overnight, but just talking to someone once a week who I know is there to help and not judge has made a huge difference.

I also was able to qualify for health insurance, and I have a whole bunch of doctor appointments set up after the new year.

In conclusion (gd this is so long), in the year where day-to-day I felt the least in control and on the right path, looking back now I realize even though its not easy, and there's a lot of work I'm not used to anymore, I am on the right path.

As someone who is incapable of setting long term goals on my own, school gives me a feasible, time constrained goal to work towards, and just a week ago I took a midterm and got the highest grade in my class.

As someone who has felt needy and stupid and wrong my entire life, I can now see a professional and have learned that I, as a person am okay, and everything I've deemed a weakness is just a response to the trauma I didn't believe I had. My anxieties and so many things I'm insecure about are coping mechanisms my childhood self needed in order to survive on my own mentally and emotionally while I was physically being depended upon by my parents to act as a third parent my whole life.

I had a breakthrough the other day regarding my pessimistic, existentialist attitude towards life and also my relationship with myself.

My self hate is rooted in the envy of what I believe I should be and my high expectations that I hold not only myself to but others as well. I'm far more judgemental of others than I previously thought. As someone who prides themselves on being kind and people pleasing and just being a non confrontational person by nature, this all trickles down and concentrates in how I feel about and regard myself.

The person that I hate isn't me, it's the version of myself I've always aspired to. Yet the person who deals with this hate is my inner child. I'm currently very detached from my physical state rn, seeing as I don't know much about her, but I know my inner child.

I know 4 year old me that had to adjust to no longer being the only child.

I know the 8 year old me who blocked out the fact that my dad repeatedly left my mother to raise me and my siblings on her own, on and off for most my entire childhood.

I know 11 year old me who was depressed, going through puberty and was constantly othered in middle school. The 11 year old who just wanted to feel pretty and wanted and had unmonitored internet access and talked to any adult man who wanted to talk to, and SEE, me.

I know 12 year old me who only felt release and control when seeing blood stain my sleeves with holes in the thumb. And later, the 12 year old who was caught and promised that she would start to be listened to and cared about more.

The 13 year old got used to promises not being kept.

15 year old me had to adjust to new people in a new state. She was warned since she started school that we would always move, but after 11 years of knowing everything she experienced was temporary, she had no idea how to "settle in".

16 year old me had a father leave home for the final time. And after mourning the lost of a parent, had to unlearn everything she knew about her favorite parent. While he was there emotionally, when he was there, he was probably the #1 factor in my mom hating her life and not being able to express her love for us properly. I thought for years that she fucking hated me, only to realize she didn't know how and couldn't afford to get help. And the 1st man I ever cared about turned out to be a cheating deadbeat who had no issue leaving the woman he used to love and 4 kids he still convinces himself that he does love to go see family who never really fucked with us like that. He got to have a girlfriend or two and travel while my mom looked for love in anyone who would offer, in return for a place to stay.

17 year old me graduated and became the only parental figure to a 2 year old step brother that her mother and abuser then-husband were too busy to give a shit about. Then I was finally able to get a job, through a very gracious gift from my nana that I couldn't even truly enjoy because mother used to resent me for my relationship with my nana.

I never got to experience a stable childhood, and because of the failings of adults before me I'm fighting an uphill battle. But for all these iterations of me, adult me has to step up. I can't be another adult who let's them down.

I think I've never felt ready, and possibly will never feel ready, for kids is because I've got plenty to handle already.

Not so much a resolution, but some semblance of motivation for 2022 and onwards:

Whether it's work/school related, fitness related, mental health related, etc. I'm not just doing it for me. I'm doing it for the child who had to do everything herself and then some.

Sorry about the long post, if you made it this far thank you, I love you. Have a happy new year 💓