#and seems to only care about answers and progress instead of action

[enjoyvoidblack]

our big post was getting long and it won't let me message so I thought I'd just come bother you here asldkfjsad I am like. so 1000% certain there is mention in the text that the initial purpose and efforts of Jonah and the Institute were to research the fears and prevent their many catastrophes, and that somewhere along the line he came to the conclusion that this wasn't viable, that the world and the fears simply didn't function in a way that was conducive to meaningfully stopping them from doing anything. which was how he settled into the position of 'well then I am going to use the instruments of power to save ME and build a ladder to free myself personally from their clutches forever' I def don't know when he started to turn from that, but i'll have to go back through the transcripts and find it again.

I do get that the narrative is written with Jon as the focal point, and that doesn't leave a lot of room for Elias to be sympathetic--he certainly doesn't make himself sympathetic TO Jon, or any of the Archives crew (beyond what I find to be an interesting amount of patience, understanding, and restraint he shows for them), but I still think like. Part of the beauty of Jonny's storytelling is that there is a kernel of completely understandable humanity to most everyone that's presented with any depth in the series, even the people we DON'T like. The "people here don't have excuses, they have causes" is again really excellent wording. There isn't really a lot of the usual karmic style reasoning or justice in this series; it isn't about Good People doing Good Things or Bad People doing Bad Things, it's just. People Doing Things, while under the influence of powers that are at once cosmic and beyond us, and inherently OF us.

adsfkjas this is getting long too I'm so sorry you activated a trap card here but idk. He absolutely is both manipulator and victim. He did all that shit, and all the while it's being done TO him, and he's walking this incredibly razor thin line between feeding his god/being empowered by it, and bc of it's nature knowing in intimate detail every nasty thing that awaits him should he fail (and I think being deathly afraid of it). That gif from Knives Out lmfao, compels me.

(apologies this probably isn't hugely coherent but there we are)

Thank you I am chewing on this ask violently. You Get It.

Unfortunate that tumblr killed your paragraph breaks, because I now can't find the section easily, but that thing about Jonny's character work in this series entirely consisting of aspects of "completely understandable humanity" is SO deeply how I feel about it. This is part of why I love horror of this kind so much. The horror being the fact that no one can really do anything to stop it opens up a space where the characters don't need to be presented along clear lines of good and evil, or even helping a cause or hurting it. It's a lot closer to how real people react in a natural disaster, if anything. There is love and selfishness and incredible acts of violence and cruelty and understandable failings and greed and fear, and pretty much all of it has a root that you can see, if you know enough about the people doing it and the circumstances to really feel where their mindset must be. I'd say Elias is functionally the closest thing TMA has to a narrative scapegoat, but that doesn't mean he is one. I almost feel like he's there as a pressure valve for the story, to be a villain if people need one to make sense of what's going on without having to constantly confront head-on the horror of the way the setting traps everyone in it. He can be made that kind of scapegoat, but only really by ignoring the parallels to Jon and the letters sent to him in older statements, and the way both show how the Fears drive the people who learn about them into more and more desperate straits.

It's kind of like that with all the older avatars. Simon Fairchild throws people off of stuff for a joke, because he's had more than 400 years of being steeped in the knowledge that humanity is both insignificant in the span of the universe, as well as utterly incapable of stopping the course of the Fears as they exert whatever influence they will by the force of sheer bulk. Peter Lukas never had a chance - he was born into this, isolation was his family and religion and paradoxically from childhood his only possible road to belonging. Adelard Dekker thought he was helping, as did Gertrude, even as they both fed the things that claimed them alongside those efforts. Nikola Orsinov was so far away from having an identity anymore that she couldn't go back if she wanted to, if she had even had enough left to want. Her world would have just been a home that was more like herself, and who hasn't wanted that? They're easier to vilify because their outlooks are harder to understand until the very end of the series, but looking back it's so clear that they were also just people once, and the writing never really lets you forget that.

If I said I'd tried to make all of these replies short, you probably wouldn't believe me. And Yet. I am not NORMAL about this show and the way Jonny writes people.

[hikari3601]

We’ll be a Fine Line

Home page

Pairing | Al Haitham x Reader

Author’s Note | I’m really sorry for the super long wait.

CW/TW | Al Haitham’s mean :(

Synopsis | Flinching away from him during an argument.

The line between distance and disregard is a fine one, something that Al Haitham seemed to have overlooked. The Scribe -who lives off of rationality as if it were air, found that space seemed to be the most efficient means towards a peaceful resolution during conflict, yet it all turned sour somewhere down the line and worst of all, its toxicity was so steadily progressive that it only became noticeable when it was nigh impossible to ignore it.

Several arguments had passed without any form of resolution and with every person in the Academia five seconds away from an aneurysm, as Acting Grand, Sage Al Haitham was not in the best of moods.

~~

“Haitham.” You called from behind the door, patiently waiting with his lunch in hand, yet silence was all that ensued in the following moments, thus you called again, a little louder this time…still nothing.

Deciding to try your luck at entering you turned the handle, perhaps he had an errand to run and was out for a bit, you thought.

Fortunately, the door was unlocked, and lo and behold sat Al Haitham at his desk, hair slightly tousled and his cape laying on the couch. He looked up at you questioningly. “Can I help you Y/N?”

“I knocked to see if you were in.” You explained, “I guess you didn’t hear me.”

He remained unmoving for several seconds, his eyes trained on the papers in front of him and after he placed the page down he allowed his gaze to briefly flicker towards you. “I heard it.”

Taking a few steps towards into the office, you took note of the cold atmosphere surrounding him but decided against commenting. “Why didn’t you answer?” You asked instead, placing his favourite meal on his desk.

“I was busy.” He deadpanned, eyes glued on the new page in front of him.

Your gaze drifted across his large frame, “When was the last time you slept?” You inquired, noting the dark circles on the skin surrounding his turquoise eyes.

“I took a little nap some few hours ago.”

A frown took form on your lips. “A nap in your office doesn’t count. When was the last time you got over five hours of sleep in your bed.” You urged, your frustration growing at his dismissive attitude.

He sighed, laying his papers on his desk with a loud ‘slap’ and looking up at you with a slight glare. “What is it you came for Y/N, unlike you I’m busy.”

“I’m here to check up on you Al Haitham.” You felt your aggravation grow in spite of your efforts to remain level-headed. “You’ve been working non stop and I’m worried about you.”

“Well, as you can see Y/N I’m perfectly well. Now, if you would kindly leave my office—“

“Why are you being like this?” You finally sighed, your patience beginning to waver.

“Because I have work to do. I don’t have time to laze around with you.”

“Laze around with me?” You echoed. “I may not be the Acting Grand Sage, Al Haitham, but that doesn’t mean I’m not working. I stop what I’m doing every day just to see if you’re alright…because Archons know that if I don’t, you’d be skipping meals daily!”

“I’m not some child Y/N, I don’t need you to look after me, now if you would please leave my office, I’m wasting time with this discussion.”

“How on earth do you think it’s right to treat people like this?” You snapped, the festering heat in your chest reaching its peak. “I’m worried about you because I care!”

“If you really cared…” He rose from his seat, approaching you with a steadiness that left you uneasy. “you would have left Y/N instead of wasting my time!”

His last words echoed throughout the room, but what was truly deafening to the man was your reaction —the way you stepped away from him as if preparing to flee.

Groaning at his actions, he lifted a hand to his already dishevelled hair in a poor attempt to calm his racing mind but watched in horror as you flinched.

Disgust soon washed over him like a tidal wave.

You thought he would hurt you?

Archons, he did hurt you… though not physically. It dawned on him that he had been treating you abrasively for the last few months, yet you still remained nothing short of kind and patient towards him.

He didn’t deserve you, he thought, yet a part of him selfishly feared that you’d leave him after today.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed, and although his voice had grown soft, his eyes trembled with unspoken words of guilt and regret, the sight stubbornly pulling at your heart until you bridged the gap between the two of you and quietly took him into your arms.

He hesitated to reciprocate, worried that he’d cause you more alarm, but all it took was you tightening your hold around his torso for him to wrap his arms around you, settling his head against the crook of your neck.

“I didn’t mean it, I swear. I’m sorry.”

[blazehedgehog]

am i the only one getting tired of Nintendo trying to make every game they make now into botw? Like, for what purpose does Mario kart really need to be open world? I get that for a long running series, you eventually need to do something to warrant a sequel, but is this really it? It’s a racing game. I just don't get it. Especially since it looks pretty empty from what we've seen anyway.

Well, to answer this we really need to break down why people care about open world games at all.

It's easy to forget now because companies like Rockstar and Bethesda have spent the better part of the last 15 years walking things back, but the original reason people loved open world games was a sense of freedom. The ability to go anywhere and do things your way.

My favorite example is Grand Theft Auto 3. An early mission in that game tells you to kill a low-level mobster that operates a strip club in Liberty City. How you do that doesn't matter; the game only checks to see if he's dead. So the game drops you and him into the open world and lets you figure out the rest. You could run him over, snipe him from a distance, maybe it starts a car chase and you race deeper into the city before catching up and finishing the job. But it's up to you and the world exists to facilitate multiple outcomes.

None of this is possible in Grand Theft Auto 5. GTA5 is to married to its cinematic presentation. A similar mission in GTA5 would see you forced to drive Michael's car to the strip club, watch a big-budget celebrity-acted cutscene, get locked inside of the strip club for a tightly-scripted shootout where you can only use Michael's guns, and if there was a car chase, it would only happen after another cutscene showed the target getting into his car, after which you'd have to drive Michael's car to chase him down. The target will always drive the same route to the same destination. At no point are you ever allowed to deviate from the script or else you will fail the mission.

Open world games used to be about letting you do things your way and the simulation surprising you with an unexpected systemic outcome. A game where you are expected to improvise when plans go south.

And this is what manifested so strongly in Breath of the Wild. A lot of Zelda games railroaded you into a specific order of dungeons, a specific progression of puzzle solving, a very gated and guided experience masquerading as a big open world. And instead, Breath of the Wild replaced all of that with a bunch of interconnected systems like physics, gravity, material simulation. Fire spreads and burns. Metal conducts electricity. Wind provides lift. Water can be frozen. Objects can be pushed, pulled, dropped, rolled, and stacked. They have weight and mass which can be imparted on other objects in the same world.

And once you understand these fundamental rules of this reality, you are free to go anywhere and accomplish any goal in whatever way you can manage to make it work. Not only are these brand new concepts for a Zelda game, they are a breath of fresh air after each new Elder Scrolls and Fallout game seems to shave off more and more complexity and lean further towards becoming another cinematic action game.

And this filters down into Mario pretty easily. I've said it before and people have rebuked me, but Super Mario 64 is kind of an open world game and it isn't too dissimilar to Grand Theft Auto. There are structural and content differences to be sure, but at the end of the day you are being turned loose in a non-linear world and can finish any mission in any order by whatever means necessary.

This was something slowly lost to the Mario franchise over time. Starting as early as Super Mario Sunshine, you are locked down and only able to get shines in specific ways and in a specific order. By Super Mario Galaxy, the open world itself is gone, simplified back down to linear levels. And by Super Mario 3D Land and Super Mario 3D World, we're just fully back to classic, traditional Mario level structure, going from left to right.

Odyssey doesn't just go back to the Super Mario 64 structure, it improves on it. Collectibles are everywhere, awarded for the simple act of finding something interesting. An odd bump in the dirt? There's a collectible in there. A strange crack in the wall? There's a collectible in there. What's at the top of this tower? Probably a collectible. Again: go anywhere, do anything, and be rewarded for exploring and playing in this space naturally.

Which brings us back to Mario Kart.

Originally, I was kind of bored by open world racing games. Thinking of them in terms of a GTA, the open world map of a Forza Horizon or Burnout Paradise doesn't feel very "alive." A lot of buildings feel same-y. And racing games are about learning tracks and mastering turns.

But the thing is, that last bit does actually happen in open world racing games. By driving around the world you're learning the layout of all the streets. It's a form of long, long term prep. And I'll admit, over a long period of time, I've grown to love the open worlds of Forza Horizon and Burnout Paradise. They aren't fun in a traditional racing sense, but it's still fun to just drive around, you know? In Burnout especially. Sometimes I boot that game up not to do anything specific, but just because I want to drive around.

If the base act of just driving around in Mario Kart World is fun, then the game itself will be fun. You are basically being presented with a Mario Kart track that never ends.

And for what it's worth, we still don't know anything about the open world itself. We know about what's on the roads, sure, but we don't know anything about what's off-road. There's gotta be a reason to go out there, and they haven't talked about any of it. It's all been focused on racing. There could be collectibles out there, NPCs out there, new challenges, secrets to explore, all kinds of stuff. And they just haven't talked about it yet.

We'll know more on April 17th.

[pearl-star]

Closed Off

Summary: With how Marinette is calling Lila a liar and bullying her, the akuma class decides to give her the silent treatment and ignore her until she can admit her mistakes and apologize. They only realize the truth once it's too late.

Cross posted on Ao3.

Closed Off - Spez101Dog - Miraculous Ladybug [Archive of Our Own]

When Lila first came to Dupont, no one expected this to be the result. The class as a whole thought that Lila was this amazing girl. She knew more celebrities than they did combine, helped out with so many charities, and was riddled with so many unfortunate conditions that they thought she was a saint incarnate. The only one who didn’t think so was Marinette.

From day one, the bluenette called her a liar. She claimed that Lila was lying, that she did not know any celebrity or did any of the things she said she did. It was unusual behavior for the class rep, but the cause became clear. Even if Lila denied it, it was clear to the class that she harbored feelings for Adrien. Given Marinette’s past behaviors involving the model, it wasn’t that far of a stretch to think that she was just being jealous.

The class collectively thought that Marinette would soon grow out of her petty ways. She had became, if not best friends with then good acquaintances with Kagami. Surely she’ll admit that she was jealous and befriend the Italian.

That didn’t happen. Instead, the bluenette only seemed to double down on her instances. No matter what anyone in the class said, Marinette could only see Lila as a liar.

They decided to ignore Marinette. It was for the best, after all. If they gave her time to cool down and reflect on her actions, then maybe she would come crawling back with an apology to their newest friend. Their decision was settled when Lila came to class one day in tears, admitting that Marinette had been bullying her.

Bullying was something they hadn’t expected from the girl. They didn’t know how to respond. With how Miss Bustier didn’t correct Chloe on her behavior, they couldn’t receive adult help on the issue. Ignoring the girl would have to do. No one talked to the girl or responded to her with anything more than a curt answer before turning away.

This continued for months, with the hopes that once Marinette had the time to step back and see that her behavior was getting her no where, she would go back to the girl she was before. Kind, caring, selfless Marinette. They took away the class representative position early on, passing it off to Alya and Lila. They hadn’t excluded her from class trips, but it seemed that no one remembered to tell her when they were.

After everything, they expected to see some progress made. Maybe Marinette hesitating when trying to act out during class, or her asking to join hang outs. There was a change, but not one the class expected.

Juleka, surprisingly, was the first to see it. Perhaps from her tendency to be quite during class and watch instead of talk. She saw how Marinette would tense when people ignored her, but thought it was from frustration. It was only after a few weeks, when Marinette merely looked at the class for a moment before trudging to her seat in the back, that Juleka understood what it really was: anxiety and acceptance. Acceptance that it was better not to try.

She had brought it up to the girls but they thought it was a good thing. Once Marinette had some time to reflect on herself and her actions, she would come back.

Next up was Nathaniel. He knew how excited Marinette could get about art club. Before she became friends with Alya and closer to the girls in their class, she lived for the art room. It was a private place where she could work on her designs, as well as branch out into other modes of art and creativity. She had started to come less and less as she got busier thanks to class rep duties, but he thought she’d be there more once she was removed of that position.

He was wrong.

Nathaniel didn’t know when the last time she had visited the art room was. But once he was looking out for it, knew she hadn’t been there once in at least three weeks in a row. Marinette had never gone longer than a few days without visiting the art room, if only for a few minutes. When he asked the other art kids, they said that they hadn’t seen her at all besides brief passings in the hallway.

One by one the rest of the class began to notice the new Marinette. She would come into class right on time, not a minute early or late. She’d scurry up to her seat in the back, pull out her books for the day, and stared at them. She’d disappear right when class was let out for lunch, and didn’t appear again until the very start of their next lesson. She never would respond to questions, staying silent until the teacher moved onto asking another student. Soon they didn’t bother trying to call on her at all.

No one knew what to expect from this new Marinette. No one knew what caused it. Except for one.

Adrien could admit that he was largely at fault for how Marinette became like this. He was taught that it was best to ignore rumors and lies less it ruin the brand and his image. His hands were tied with what he could do to call out Lila on her lies. Adrien’s were, but Chat’s? What his father and Natalie didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

He couldn’t help out a lot. By the time he realized how far Marinette was, there was little he could do. The best he could offer was going over at night, letting Marinette use him as a weighted blanket to fall asleep at night. She never wanted to talk about what was happening. Any time he tried to bring it up, she’d shake her head slowly while looking at the ground.

It took two weeks after his visits started that he was able to get her to let him help with any bruises she might have gained from Lila cornering her at school. Even once he knew about the bruises and became aware that Lila was bullying her, Marinette didn’t want to talk about it.

All she wanted to do was silently lay on her chaise, in her bed, even on the floor, staring off into space as his worried purrs filled the silence in her room.

As Adrien, he did the only thing he could think of: try to keep Lila away from Marinette. If Lila was kept distracted and happy, then she wouldn’t hurt Marinette. All he had to do was keep it up until the class realized the truth on their own, then Marinette would be safe for good.

With his mind filled with Marinette, it took him a bit to realize that Ladybug was off. Sure, she still showed up to patrols and to akuma fights, but she didn’t have the same energy as before. She’d give comfort to the victims, “pound it” after she purified the butterfly, but at patrols her smiles were few and far between. The games they used to play were cut down to nothing. Most nights they would do a quick lap or two around Paris and call it a night.

Weeks turned into months, and the more the class watched Marinette, the more they could tell that something was wrong with this Marinette. Every time she felt the room and came back during the day, she seemed to be worse than Lila, who would have another mean thing that the bluenette had said to her to tell the rest of the class.

Summer hit, and the class were still puzzled over what was going on. They did the only thing they knew how to do now: ignore Marinette until she came to them. Let her come to them and say what was happening. The summer break passed without the bluenette trying to reach out once. By the time the next school year came, one major thing had changed: Lila was no longer at Francoise Dupont.

The first week, they had assumed that she was finishing up another charity campaign and would be back in a couple days. When a week turned into two, Alya finally texted Lila to ask how things were going. Lila responded with a short message, saying how her mom’s assignment had changed and now they were back in Italy. When trying to dig for more info, like why Lila hadn’t told them before moving, she was met with silence on the other end.

It took another two weeks filled with talks of Lila, and how she could just ghost them after the year they spent together, before they remembered Marinette. Marinette, who Lila said was a bully. Marinette, who had became a stranger to them.

After some debating, they decided to approach Marinette first. Sure, they wanted her to admit that she had bullied Lila out of jealousy, but maybe if they bring it up then she’d be willing to admit it with an apology. Alya decided to be the one to step up and do it. Given how the girl still ran from the room after classes were done, they didn’t have an opportunity to confront her until the end of the day.

“Hey, Marinette?” Alya said, speaking right before the final bell rang. She quickly stood on the steps, blocking Marinette’s escape.

Upon hearing her name, the bluenette’s eyes glanced up. No one in the class missed how she curled into herself, body tensing as if bracing herself for something unpleasant.

“I wanted to talk to you about Lila.”

Seeing how the girl reacted to the Italian’s name was enough for the class to freeze in shock. There was no disgust in Marinette’s eyes. Only fear. No one knew what to say next.

“Marinette, I think that Ms. Mendeleiev wanted to see you so that you could turn in the homework from last night.” Adrien, the last person anyone expect to speak up, said. His voice was soft, and he gently pulled Alya out of the way. “She should be in her classroom. You might want to give it to her before you go home.”

The bluenette did not say anything. She didn’t even give him a second glance, instead gathering up her stuff in seconds and running out of the room.

When they tried questioning the blond for answers, he remained silent. The strange pattern continued. Any time someone tried to talk to Marinette, Adrien was there. All it took was one slight movement of her tensing or a flinch for him to make up some excuse for her to leave the situation.

It took three months since that development for an even stranger one to occur. Adrien, who had stayed dutifully in the front of the room with the empty seat of where Lila once was, was now in the back of the class. Next to Marinette. The two never spoke. Adrien blocked the way for any of their classmates to try and approach Marinette, but made sure to move out of the way when the bell rang so the bluenette could zip out of the room.

Mid way through the school year, the whole class was shocked with new news. Both Marinette and Adrien would not be returning. They weren’t at the same school. Adrien had transferred into a private school, one that allowed him to do his curricular actives as electives so he didn’t have to do them after school. Marinette had switched to doing online schooling.

None of the class was successful in getting answered. Both students were simply gone. They didn’t know what was wrong, until one day answers came. It was on accident. Alya, when preparing her blog for part of her application for a reporters summer camp, decided to add some extra information and sources to her old blog posts. Some of which included Lila’s stories.

Needless to say, there was no source online that could support Lila’s claims. In fact, there was plenty of sources that easily disprove everything she had ever said. Jagged Stone never owned a cat. Prince Ali only focused on Go Green charities. Ladybug had never and would never become friends with a civilian. Alya went through every story Lila told, everything that they all had taken as fact, and found something to contradict it.

Together the class spammed Lila, demanding answers, but she wasn’t there to give it to them. The wool had been pulled off their eyes, allowing them to begin to see exactly what Lila had done.

Marinette had been telling them the truth. Lila was a liar. And if Lila lied about Marinette bullying her, then was it Marinette who had been getting bullied?

They tried to flood the bluenette with questions and apologies, but were not heard. Instead of Adrien acting as her guard, it was her parents. Or her new friends, the ones at Adrien’s private school which she joined, who all refused for them to get close to the designer. Marinette had begun the process of healing from what she experienced at Francoise Dupont, they wouldn’t allow her to get hurt again.

They were the ones who pushed her away, ignored her and allowed her to suffer. Now they could face the consequences of their actions.

[iheartmomochi]

MOMOCHI CD + CHARACTER ANALYSIS

DISCLAIMER

Everything I say is based on my interpretation of Momochi’s actions, words, and overall character. You are free to disagree with me/have a different interpretation of his character. And if you do, I would love to hear how your interpretation differs from mine! I would also like to say there may be certain character nuances I don’t pick up on because I am not Japanese nor do I know Japanese. But please feel free to point out anything I may have missed! 

I structured this in a way where I first summarize the events of each CD and then analyze how Momochi acts within the context of that specific CD. And then, in the end, I analyze his character by taking what happens in every CD into account! I did this just so things would make sense chronologically and to slowly introduce key points of his character as they were revealed. For the most part, I focused on the main CDs, but there are also references to the tokutens (bonus CDs) and songs. I did my best to only summarize the relevant parts of his CDs but a good portion of this is summarizing since I did find it extremely important to do so. This is also why I included “CD analysis” in the title of this post.

There are some direct quotes here. I credit the translator at the beginning of each section and link back to the original translation page when I quote. There are CDs that I personally commissioned to be translated and those have not been posted publicly, so when I quote those I will instead link back to the account of the translator. And while I did reach out and look at FAQs to make sure quoting was okay, if you translated any of his CDs and are uncomfortable with me directly taking quotes, please tell me and I will remove them!

CONTENT WARNING

This analysis discusses abuse (verbal, physical, emotional), childhood abuse, codependency, domestic violence, love bombing, manipulation, and suicide.  

OPENING 

From the very first minute of the first CD, Momochi is presented as a two-faced character. To fans, the Veronica members, the other vocalists, and anyone he interacts with, he puts up the front of being a friendly, cheerful, and agreeable person. He makes it seem like he cares and that he is genuinely a good person. It is only with Kano that he fully lets the real him appear. Behind all the fan service and fake smiles, Momochi is a cynical person. He gets annoyed and upset easily, mainly regarding Kano. He is extremely possessive of her and has no problem punishing her for so much as looking at another man or not answering his phone calls quickly enough.

All of that makes it very difficult to sympathize with Momochi, but as the series has progressed, it has become clear that there is a reason why Momochi puts on a fake persona and that he is more than just a generic sadistic drama CD character. 

SEASON 1: DEAR VOCALIST 

Translations quoted in this section were made by Ilinox on Twitter/Yumemirusekai on WordPress (main CD/songs), Currytantou on Twitter/Wordpress (animate tokuten), and Ryuukia on Tumblr (stellaworth short story). 

Compared to the later CDs, this CD has very little in terms of an overarching plot. That could be because when Dear Vocalist was first started, Rejet may not have planned on creating seven more CDs, but I honestly think it’s because of the nature of Momochi as a person. From the beginning of this CD, it is made clear that Momochi does not struggle at all with singing or any part of the music process (a point that is continuously brought up in future CDs). The only time Momochi even mentions struggling with music is in Track 4 “A Special Reward,” when he calls Kano and says he can’t sing the way he wants to and that he feels like it’s the end. But when she shows up, he’s not struggling at all and when questioned he says he did the recording in one take as usual. Although he does say he also wasn’t lying about feeling like he was finished. 

Something else that is made clear in this first CD is how little tolerance Momochi has for Kano interacting with his band members. After all, track 3 “His True Face” starts with him accusing Kano of being a slut, forcing her to apologize for having fun while talking to the other members, and having her say “From now on, I won’t talk to any men except for you and I’ll always be with you, Momochi.” Throughout all the drama tracks, he does his very best to minimize the interactions Kano has with the other members of Veronica. He goes as far as to lie to the members so that he stays behind and gets to talk to Kano in private, away from everyone else. 

Manipulation is a prevalent theme throughout this CD. This is best shown in the 4th track, “A Special Reward.” As stated before, Momochi calls Kano and says he feels like it’s the end, but when she shows up, he says the recording was done in one take as always. One of the first things Momochi says when she arrives is, “You were quite slow in coming.” This comment makes it clear that Momochi wanted her to come as quickly and in his mind pretending to be troubled was the best way to ensure she would be there fast. When Kano tries to leave after realizing Momochi is fine, Momochi stops her saying she’s not allowed to leave without his permission, and then asks her “Are you not happy to see me today?” This is quite literally textbook manipulation, more specifically love bombing. He demands Kano’s attention and when she doesn’t immediately want to give him it, he guilts her by making it seem like she might be unhappy to see him and then uses her reply to prove to her that she actually wants to do what Momochi tells her. The rest of the drama track is Momochi explaining that he just wants to love her all day as he proceeds to kiss and bite her. His intense affection is used as a way to keep her attention and ultimately keep her where he wants her. Even when he bites her finger and causes her pain, he frames it in a way that makes it seem like it’s okay because it’s in the name of love and if she rejects it then she is rejecting his love. Although it should be noted that Kano is constantly referred to as a masochist by Momochi, and she does actually seem to enjoy the pain, there is still a distinction that must be made between Momochi randomly hurting Kano and her asking to be hurt.

Moving away from the main CD, the animate tokuten “O•U•CHI,” CD shows just how extreme Momochi can be. The premise of the CD is that Momochi calls Kano to come over to clean and feed him since he doesn’t have the energy to do it after coming back from being on tour. The first half of the CD is normal until Momochi gets annoyed that Kano is more focused on the laundry than watching a DVD with him (paying attention to him). Instead of letting her finish drying his clothes, he embraces her and starts kissing her. Just like in “A Special Reward,” Momochi guilts Kano by telling her “Don’t you feel lonely after not meeting me for a while? (…) I wanted to touch you, because I missed you.” He once again makes her feel like rejecting his affection means she is rejecting his love. When Kano is relieved that none of the neighbors, specifically the old man next door, didn’t hear them, Momochi decides to punish her (presumably because it meant she wasn’t giving him her full attention while he was kissing her) by holding her against his balcony, on the 12th floor.  It’s made clear that Momochi enjoys seeing her scared since he even says she looks adorable and that if he lets go, she’ll fall and die. He goes on to say that he wouldn’t mind committing lovers suicide with her. He follows this up by saying he was just joking and that if she died, he would“no longer [be able] to play with [her]” but that he would consider it if she ever betrays him. His reasoning for this is that it would be better for them to die together than for her just to leave him because he cannot imagine hating her. This shows just how obsessed Momochi is with Kano, after all, people in healthy relationships don’t seriously talk about committing lovers suicide. In his mind, it would genuinely be easier and better for them to die together than for them to be apart. Momochi cannot see his life without her in it. The CD ends with Momochi telling Kano not to leave him and that all she needs to do is “fill [herself] with nothing else but [him]” and to keep loving him, and he’ll do the same back “for as long as [she] needs [him].” His choice of words stands out here because it shows that despite everything he does, he truly does love Kano, and it’s for that reason that even if she did abandon him, he still cannot see himself hating her. It also shows just how codependent he is with her. He needs her to stay with him to keep living. I would also like to point out how Momochi bringing all of this up is also manipulation, since he is using the idea of suicide and killing her as a way to make sure that she will not leave his side. I do have more to say on this specific CD, but I will leave it for the end as there is crucial information that has to be said first for my point to be fully understood. 

I would like to touch on the “Stellaworth Short Story.” Unlike the CDs, this is from Momochi’s point of view. This is the first and really only instance where the audience is given an insight into how Momochi thinks. In this short story, Kano wins tickets to go to a theme park in Tokyo and invites Momochi with her. From the very first paragraph, Momochi’s narration makes it clear that he had very little interest in attending the theme park since he had already gone before, and he just found the entire thing annoying. As they are making their way to the entrance gate of the theme park, Momochi notices that Kano is not behind him but instead stuck in a crowd because the heels she is wearing make it difficult to keep up with him. Momochi criticizes her shoe choice and says that he’s going home since there is no way she’ll be able to last the entire trip wearing those heels. As he walks away, Kano chases after him, crying, and when Momochi turns back to look at her again, he notices that she has taken off her shoes and is now walking barefoot. In his narration, Momochi notes that seeing her this way irritates him but if she hadn’t caught up to him, he would be even more upset. He even thinks to himself, “You should always be unsightly like this. Rather, if you weren't so clumsy and so desperate for me, I'd be troubled.” The way Momochi acts in the CDs makes it clear that he feels insecure and worries that Kano will leave him for someone else, but here Momochi outright admits that he feels more secure in their relationship when she acts desperate. And it’s because when she acts that way it is made clear to him that she wants to be with him, and she will not abandon him. Just like in the “O•U•CHI” tokuten, it is once again shown just how much Momochi does not want Kano to leave him. After seeing her barefoot, Momochi decides it’s better for them to just go home and, while trying to get a taxi, he sees her bare feet again and thinks, “I suddenly remembered that fairy-tale about those glass slippers that appeared magically (…) Though I think I know why...... I will never treat you like a princess.”  The term “princess treatment,” is used to describe when someone's partner is very attentive when it comes to their wants and needs, and they do their best to treat their partner with love and shower them with attention. The fact that Momochi comments that he will never treat Kano like a princess means he is unwilling to give her extra attention and care and will not treat her gently. Something which is made very clear in this short story. A boyfriend who treats his girlfriend like a princess would have been more sympathetic and probably have bought his girlfriend new shoes so that they could walk around comfortably. Interestingly, Momochi knows why he would never treat her so gently and kindly. In my head, this has two separate meanings. The first is that Momochi is quite literally unable to be that kind due to his childhood and how that shaped his personality (more on this later) and the second is because he knows that there is no point in treating Kano that way. Despite the way he treated her in this short story and as a whole, she still willingly chose to chase after him. 

I am not at all good at analyzing songs, especially Momochi's songs but I can’t not talk about the songs from this season. There are a few different ways “Awauta” can be interpreted and for the purpose of this, I’ll talk about it as it relates to Momochi’s mom. The lyrics talk about a prostitute in the red light district who misses a man (most likely a one-night stand) and searches for his warmth through the other people she is sleeping with. Was Momochi’s mom a prostitute? Well, that’s up for interpretation. But what I do think this song is saying is that Momochi was born out of wedlock and that while his mom did fall in love with his dad, his dad ended up leaving both of them. And just like in the song, Momochi’s mom went out and tried to “search” for his dad through other people (again whether or not she actually was a prostitute is something I can’t say with 100% certainty). And there’s no good segue way for me to make my next point but “Awauta” is also about how Momochi’s mom committed suicide. It’s never explicitly said in the song but when you look at the lyrics, the word “bathtub” is used; “If the flickering love is stained bright in the boat” (it’s translated as “boat” here but it does also translate to bathtub), you get the imagery of someone’s blood filling a bathtub. Momochi's mom cut herself and bled out to death in a bathtub. Not just that but when you look at the other song in this season, “Zennokan”, it’s very obviously about someone’s death and how that affects the narrator; the song is about how the death of Momochi’s mom affected him. His mom committing suicide also just makes the most sense logically when you look at how Momochi acts throughout this season. It’s obvious he was never able to properly process the death of his mom and as a result of that he is possessive and is desperately afraid of being abandoned by his girlfriend. He does not want to experience being abandoned again and is doing everything he can possibly do to prevent that. And it only gets worse as the series goes on.

SEASON 2: RIOT 

The translation quoted in this section was made by Yumegasaki on Tumblr/Yukihito on Mikorin.net (main CD). 

In the third track, “ 粉々,” Momochi accuses Kano of cheating on him for not answering his phone calls. She tries explaining that she was on the train so she had no signal but Momochi retorts by saying she should’ve taken a taxi and that he knows that she was actually cheating on him. This then causes him to remind her what will happen if she cheats on him; he’ll kill her. From the first five minutes of this track, it is already clear that Momochi’s possessiveness and jealousy have increased since the first season. He vocalizes his distrust for her being faithful so much more here. Even after she apologizes for something that is out of her control, Momochi takes her phone and justifies it by saying, “I’m going to check whether you’re lying. If there’s nothing suspicious, then you won’t have a problem with it, will you?” Unlike in the last season where his jealousy only appeared when they were around other people, here Momochi takes it a step further by getting upset at her for having someone other than him in his call history, even if it was for something important (a call to the gas company). He ends up breaking her phone and tells her not to buy a new phone without his permission. He follows this up by saying he will not trust what she says anymore and that she should stay in his house if she wants to regain his trust and she isn’t allowed to leave until he says she can. And since she no longer has a phone he’ll be calling the house phone and makes her promise that she will answer within the first two rings. Just like in the first CD, Momochi guilts and manipulates Kano into doing what he wants under the guise of love, but it’s more extreme here. Momochi fears that she will cheat on him and leave him, so the only way to ensure that will not happen is to not even let her leave his house. 

The fourth track, “Scar,”  takes place in Momochi’s house. He comes home from work and asks Kano how she spent the day in his house. After taking a shower together with her, he gets mad when she tries drying the laundry, since earlier in the track he had told her to just leave it, so he ends up locking her outside. She ends up crying and apologizing to Momochi, which finally he doesn’t accept but he does let her back inside. The next day comes around and the members keep calling Momochi about practice and he berates the members by calling them third musicians who were only chosen because they are good-looking. Kano tries to defend them, which makes Momochi upset since as his girlfriend she’s not supposed to side with his band members. He then asks her to hand him the ashtray and some of the ashes end up spilling on her as Momcohi snatches it out of her hand. But he blames this happening on her being too slow. He goes on to say that everything is her fault and that he’s upset because “I thought you’d be the one who was always on my side.” After saying this Momochi asks Kano to leave, “I don’t care about you anymore. Why don’t you cheat on me or something? Didn’t you hear me? I’m telling you to get out. Or should I kick you out?” It’s so obvious how much he wants someone to completely be on his side, for once in his life. He thought Kano would be that person…. but she wasn’t. Throughout this CD, Momochi had been very clear that the worst thing Kano could do was cheat on/betray him. It was for that very reason that he had gotten upset in the third track and had Kano stay in his house in the first place. So when he says she should just cheat on him since he doesn’t care anymore, it shows just how hurt Momochi feels. It goes beyond her defending his band members for wanting to practice, it’s the sheer fact that she even defended someone who wasn’t him. In his mind that is betrayal. And to him, it was probably a sign that she would eventually abandon him. His own insecurity and fear of abandonment are so strong that he can’t take a disagreement in opinion for what it is but instead, his mind takes it to the worst possible scenario. 

The last track, “Special Charm,” opens with Momochi trying to record the vocals for Mr.BlackBlack but unlike usual, he is not able to record the vocals for the song in one take. This makes him frustrated and he says that it’s because of her. He ends up going to where she lives, while it’s raining, and tells her that it’s his fault that he can’t sing and that ever since she left he hasn’t been able to think of anything else. He goes on to say, “It’s all your fault! Because you weren’t by my side! You said you loved me, didn’t you? Were you lying? Then why didn’t you stay with me? Why did you leave me alone? That’s not important. You would have come back if you really cared about me.” The way he says these words is so heartbreaking because you can just tell how much he truly does love Kano and that he really does want her to stay by his side. He is still blaming her for things that aren’t her fault at all but unlike all the other times, here it is obvious that Momochi is also mad at himself. After all, he is the one who told her to leave in the first place, he pushed her away. It was his not being able to sing perfectly like he always had in the past that made him realize just how much he needed her by his side and that she had a larger impact on his life than he initially thought. After hearing Momochi say this, Kano apologizes for leaving but Momochi says that he can’t forgive her because she didn’t uphold the promise to him and the only way he will forgive her is if she goes back to his side. He then reminds her that he will kill her if she ever tries to leave him and that she only belongs to him. He follows this up by commenting on her disheveled appearance from the rain and stress, “I won’t forgive you if you let anyone else see you like this. I’m the only one who can love someone like you. It’ll be impossible for you to live without me. Isn’t that right?” This is where it becomes very apparent that Momochi is projecting how he feels onto his girlfriend. He says these things but he’s really just talking about himself. No sane person would be able to stay in a relationship with him, he is hard to love because he has a difficult personality (putting it very mildly). And deep down he knows that and that Kano is the only person who can love someone like him. His appearance is also a mess here, he’s also out in the rain, crying, just like Kano is. So that comment about her appearance is also how he feels. He doesn’t want anyone but her to see him in this weak and pathetic state. It also shows that Kano is the only person who can make Momochi this way. At the end of the track he buys Kano a new phone and tells her that since he bought it, the only number that should be saved is his. He notices the scar left by the cigarette ash that fell on her and says that he feels bad it happened “to a woman” but that it shouldn’t bother her too much because he’ll love her even if she ends up with scars and other injuries all over her body, so what other people think of the scar is irrelevant. But this is only if she continues to stay by his side. The way Momochi talks about her scar really shows how he views their relationship. He wants Kano to always take his side and take the pain he gives her, and in return, he will do the same. He doesn’t really care about her physical imperfections as long as she is his. In that aspect, Momochi shows that his way of loving, while it is extreme and selfish, has nothing to do with superficial things but is entirely based on who Kano is as a person. But he is quite selfish in the way he tells Kano that she should only care about his opinion. After all, why should she even care what others think when Momochi is the one loving her? The sentiment is sweet and selfish at the same time. And while I don’t necessarily think Momochi is projecting onto her in this specific instance, I do think his words also apply to the way Kano sees Momochi. She really doesn’t care what other people who aren’t Momochi think of her and as the series goes on, that just becomes more and more apparent. 

Initially, I was going to write that there was a big difference in the way Momochi acts in the first CD compared to this CD, and while that statement by itself is somewhat true. If you were just to listen to the first CD and then listen to this one then it might feel like there is this huge jump. After all, Momochi seems so much more affectionate in that CD, than he does here. But it’s just like what I wrote at the very beginning of this, the first CD has little overarching plot and is more so just a collection of 3 different interactions that are very loosely connected. But this CD is so much more plot-heavy, there is an actual conflict, so naturally we don’t get 3 tracks of just Momochi expressing how much he wants to kiss Kano and tease her. The more accurate statement to make is that there really isn’t that big of a difference in the way Momochi acts here than he did last season. When you look at all of the content of season 1, mainly the Stellaworth short story, it’s obvious that Momochi is acting nearly the exact same way. This CD just expands on what Kano and Momochi’s relationship really looks like. Riot Momochi is still just as manipulative and possessive as Dear Vocalist Momochi. If anything, he is more manipulative and possessive in this CD. 

SEASON 3: WIRED 

The translation quoted in this section was made by Currytantou on Twitter/WordPress (main CD). 

The third track, “Under The Mask,” is really the first time up until this point that we are given an insight into how Veronica really functions as a group. With Kano. Momochi has not at all hidden the fact that he finds the members annoying and that he dislikes having to practice and just spend time with them in general. But he has always hidden how he really felt when he was around the members and put on the act of liking them and that he is really putting his all into practice. Even here when he returns to finish recording, after he had finished punishing Kano for something, he starts by apologizing to the members for being gone so long. But here is the first instance where Momochi finally voices how he really feels about the members. Very telling how the thing that made him drop his fake personality was when the members bring up Kano and Momochi takes it as them saying they don’t like it when he brings her to the Veronica recording and practice sessions. To Momochi it probably felt like they were attacking his girlfriend. Her being there while he records makes him feel at ease and we saw in Riot that Momochi really does need her by his side for him to perform well and above all that, he just likes having her by his side. While the members do clarify that their frustration does not really lie with Kano being there but more so the fact that Momochi doesn’t focus on the music as much as he should. This is what makes Momochi finally express how he really feels about them. And he really does not hold back in insulting them. It’s obvious that the members aren’t actually untalented but that compared to himself, Momochi thinks they are untalented. After all, he can record the vocals for the song perfectly and he is the one solely working on the songs and never once in any of the CDs has Momochi ever expressed that he thinks making music is hard or that he even struggles with it at all. So it makes sense why Momochi thinks so highly of himself and why he sees the members as third-rate musicians. 

Momochi does project onto Kano again at the end of this track when he blames the fight he had with the members on her for doing something “unnecessary,” which is just his way of saying “If you hadn’t gone out to buy those drinks, I wouldn’t have had to punish you and the members wouldn’t have been looking for me and the fight would have never happened.” Instead of acknowledging the fact that he didn’t have to punish her in the first place, he just chooses to blame everything on her because he refuses to see the flaw in his own way of thinking and acting. Because clearly to him not punishing her for what she did was not an option, she isn’t allowed to leave his side, especially after what happened in Riot, therefore the fight that broke out is solely on her. The fact that he initially tells her to leave but then quickly changes his mind and says he’ll leave instead shows just how distrustful Momochi is becoming of letting her go out on her own (something that only gets worse as the series goes on).

While talking to Kano at the end of Track 1, “Under the Mask,” Momochi says that Veronica was made by him and that Panda should just let him become a solo singer. This specific comment is so interesting. It just begs the question “Why did he even start a band to begin with?”  It isn’t like he was ever an easy person to work with, since the original Veronica broke up because they didn’t want to work with him anymore. And Momochi is the type of person who doesn’t do things he really does not want to do, so I’m just curious as to why he even agreed to be in a band. I know it could be a thing of “a job is a job” but that really isn’t Momochi at all… He is the type of person who doesn’t do things he really does not want to. He could have easily just left Climax Records the moment staff told him they would be adding new members to Veronica. And with his skills, it wouldn’t at all have been difficult to find a new company to hire him and that would let him debut as a solo singer. But the answer to that question becomes obvious in the second track, “Lonely Singer.” 

Kano goes to the bar where Momochi is to tell him that the band members came to his apartment. Momochi says that it’s too late for them to try and fix things between them, but that it seemed like they all realized they needed him. Kano tries telling Momochi that he should apologize to them and that he also did something wrong. This only makes Momochi upset, and he calls her a “traitor” and goes on to say that he did nothing wrong. And that every opportunity Veronica has been given, and every song has been because of him. He says that he is all that he needs. To prove it to Kano, Momochi goes on stage and sings. Afterwards, when everyone is cheering, he goes back to Kano and tells her that everyone is reacting this way because of his voice, because of him. So he really doesn’t need anyone else and that starting a band in the first place was a mistake, something he’s known for a long time. After telling Kano to leave since her presence is doing nothing but annoying him, he quietly says to himself, “It’s better if those people are out of my sight. I can do just fine on my own. And yet, why does it feel so dull every day?” 

The fact that Momochi can admit his life feels boring without his members is so telling of how he really feels about his band members. In the last track, “夢幻泡影,” he says it’s just because he could easily replace people like them and, since they realized that they need him, they’re better than the old Veronica members and will be easier to work with now. But Momochi never really says what he actually means. He isn’t being completely honest when he says that he’s just keeping them around until he gets bored of them/no longer feels he needs them. After all, in both of the previous tracks, he was insistent on the fact that he COULD do everything on his own and that it would actually be easier if he did. It’s obvious that he does enjoy or at least finds their presence interesting. Of course, that doesn’t mean he likes the idea of becoming close with them and telling them details of his life, but he does want to have them around. At the very least, he would enjoy their company more than the company of the other vocalists. But I do think he’s being truthful when he says that he thinks these members are better than the old members. Music is one of the only things Momochi has and the way he talks about himself in relation to music makes that very clear. So the fact that the current members acknowledged that Momochi’s music skills are the things that are important means a lot to Momochi. 

Despite the members now knowing what Momochi thinks of them and what his real personality is, when Momochi goes back to the office to meet with the members, he still keeps putting on the fake personality from before. He does not have to do that considering the members still want to keep working with him after everything he said so they obviously aren’t bothered by his real personality. But the fact that he does just shows how unwilling he is to let people know the real him. 

After explaining how he could throw away the Veronica members at any time, he tells Kano he can do the same with her. And that he would abandon her the moment he thinks he no longer needs her, “Despite that, I won’t change. I will return to who I was before I met you and I will do anything as I please. Since I only believe in myself.”  This is where there is a shift in how Momochi acts towards Kano. Throughout the previous CDs, Momochi made it obvious that he doesn’t want Kano to leave his side, he needs her by his side. But here he says that he’ll be completely fine and will just go back to the person he was before he met her. This change in attitude could be attributed to two things. The first and most obvious one is the fact that this CD has a different writer than the previous CDs, so whoever was writing had a different idea for where Momochi’s character would go moving forward. The second is that this is his way of reacting to the events of this CD and of Riot. Momochi was genuinely hurt by the fact that Kano said the argument he had with his members was his fault. It just added to the betrayal he felt in Riot when she also sided with his band members. Momochi is the type of person to not let go of things easily, so it makes sense why he would tell Kano he would be fine without her. His lingering feelings of betrayal would also explain the second part. The way she’s acted, to him, has made it seem like she does not believe in him one hundred percent. He’s the only person he has. He’s the only person he’s ever had completely on his side. Of course, as the audience, we know that is not true at all. Kano has shown time and time again that she is on Momochi’s side. Even in this track, she shows that by waiting for him in the cold in clothes that are not at all suited for the weather, and the fact that she kept trying to get him to go back to Veronica. And while a lot of the time Momochi’s words don’t reflect what he actually thinks, in this instance, he is being completely honest. He genuinely does believe he is the only person who believes in himself. He goes on to say that if she doesn’t want to be abandoned, then she should do what he says, no matter what. At the end of the track, he says, “ Don’t you want to keep seeing this inescapable dream until death? Both you and I.” His words here go against what he was saying earlier. He says he would just abandon her whenever he didn’t want her around anymore and that his life without her would be the same. But that just isn’t true. As much as Kano does not want to be abandoned by him, Momochi equally does not want to abandon her. The fact that he refers to their relationship as an “inescapable dream,” pairs so well with the name of this final track (transient dream). Their relationship is a dream for two reasons; for the first time, Momochi and even Kano have someone who is focused on them, but like a dream, their relationship could end at any moment because of either of them. But it’s also inescapable because both of them are doing everything they can to not let go of the other/be abandoned by the other. On Kano’s end, that means doing what Momochi says, no matter how absurd. And for Momochi that means going to extreme lengths to keep her by his side, like not even letting Kano look at other people or even step foot outside his apartment. 

SEASON 4: XTREME 

No direct quotes were taken in this section. 

While Wired marked the beginning of a shift in the way Momochi treats Kano, Xtreme is where that shift continues and is fully solidified. The very start of the first track, “因縁生起,” shows the development of their relationship after the promise made at the end of Wired. Momochi gets upset that Kano bought a mug through delivery. While she didn’t interact with the delivery person, she had to step outside the apartment to get the package from the mailbox; she went outside the apartment without Momochi’s permission and broke her promise to him. His reaction to finding this out is also nothing short of extreme since he not only breaks the mug but also takes the new shoes Kano had bought and throws them out the window. Momochi has always been pretty unreasonable with the promises he has had Kano make with him, but it’s clear here that he is now more controlling than he was in the past 3 CDs.  Up until this point, Kano was pretty much able to come and go from his apartment as she wanted, but now she literally cannot step foot outside his apartment without his permission.

The main conflict of this CD arises at the end of the first track. After Momochi is done meeting with a female celebrity who is a fan of Veronica and wants to sponsor their next concert, she nearly falls down while they are parting ways and Momochi helps her. Momochi is called to the agency in the next track, “Contrary,” and he’s told that pictures of this happening were taken that make it look like he is romantically involved with her. When Momochi goes home he notices that Kano is acting strangely and, after some prying, she tells him that she saw the story of him and that woman on the TV. She even asks him if it’s real. Momochi tells her it’s obviously fake and gets mad that she had doubted him. Even after she tries apologizing, Momochi keeps telling her to get out and that he doesn’t need her anymore because she had already lied to him in the first track, and she betrayed him by not trusting him. So he kicks her out of his apartment, breaking up with her. The way Momochi acts here is so hypocritical. After all, it isn't like she’s ever broken up with him when she’s been accused of cheating before. But his hypocrisy stems from the fact that, more than anything, he does not want to be abandoned by her. It’s been shown time and time again in the previous CDs that his biggest worry is her leaving him. He’s insecure and deep down he recognizes the flaws in his own personality, and he’s definitely aware that she could find someone better than him. It’s for that reason that he doesn’t like it when she talks to anyone who isn’t him or so much as makes eye contact with another man. And while Kano didn’t even accuse him of cheating, the mere fact that she even wondered if the photo was real or not was enough for Momochi to feel like she betrayed him. And before she can actually abandon him, he decides to do it first by breaking up with her. It’s a protective measure to spare himself from having to actually go through the experience of being abandoned by the person he loves. But whether he truly realizes it or not, Kano has cemented herself as an important person in his life; the most important person in his life. It’s for that reason that even if he was able to sing perfectly fine without her, unlike in Riot, he still went through an entire pack of cigarettes in the one day he was not with her, and he kept thinking of her. 

This CD highlights his main struggles; he does not want to be abandoned but at the same time he is just a distrustful person. While Kano is the one person Momochi shows his true personality to, which shows that he does trust her, he still struggles with fully having faith in her out of his fear of abandonment. And he just has a difficult time expressing his true feelings when it comes to these situations. It’s why even after she apologizes for questioning the validity of the photo, he chooses to break up with her instead of forgiving her. It’s also why when he does take her back, instead of telling her that he loves her back, he instead says he hates her and that he is essentially only getting back together with her because she will not leave him alone and this way she will not cause trouble for someone else. Of course, it’s obvious that he’s lying when he says this because his voice is shaking and he is basically crying but he still tries convincing her and even himself that this is why he’s taking her back. It’s difficult for him to say the words “I forgive you,” because he really did feel betrayed and abandoned by her. But even if he does not explicitly say those words, it is also obvious that he does forgive her, after all, he would not take her back if he didn’t. And I think even someone as distrustful as him was able to take Kano staying outside his apartment the entire night, even as it rained, as a sign that she does truly love him and wants to be by his side. But despite her continued efforts to show Momochi she loves him and will not abandon him, Momochi’s fear of abandonment does not subside. And that’s exactly shown at the end of the CD when he decides to buy her shoes that are a size too small and with a heel that is hard for her to walk in. This way she wouldn’t be physically capable of walking on her own and doing something he deems “unnecessary.” 

I actually have more to say on Xtreme but it has less to do with analyzing Momochi and more to do with me looking at the relationship he has with Kano and why I love the Cinderella motif going on this CD. If you are interested in reading that you can check out this post and this post.

SEASON 5: EVOLVE 

The translation for this CD was made by Risukadarlin on Tumblr, but no quotes were taken from the CD translation. All the lyrics quoted in this can be found on the Dearvo wiki page.

Evolve takes place during the Obon holiday. Momochi is asked by one of his members in the third track, “Helix,” if he will be going home to visit his parents during the holiday. Momochi kind of dodges the question by not giving a yes or no answer. Then the topic of his name and its ties to ninjas is brought up, to which Momochi says that he doesn’t really know if he is related to ninjas but that his parents run a kimono shop. When he’s alone his reaction to the question about visiting his parents is a scoff and that everyone else seems so carefree. Momochi obviously has a complicated relationship with his parents considering he isn’t going to visit his parents for Obon. Even the way he answers the question about his ties to ninjas shows that Momochi isn’t close to his parents and that he isn’t really interested in learning about his family. He found the question more ridiculous than anything. And it’s obvious he’s also never bothered looking into whether he actually is related to ninjas or even asked his parents about it. 

When Momochi returns home, he asks Kano if she’s going to visit her parents and if they care that she spends all her time in Momochi’s apartment. She answers no and Momochi brings up how if he left her, then she would have no one, especially since she also doesn’t have any friends. When Kano says she’s fine not having any friends, Momochi reminds her that he doesn’t love her nor does he want her by his side. He goes on to ask her if she feels loved when she’s with him and if she even understands what love really is since she’s never been loved before. While this entire interaction does show how sad the circumstances of Kano’s life are, it also echoes Momochi’s own life. It’s not like he has any friends and his family doesn’t seem to care about him either, if they did they would’ve called him about going home for Obon. Kano is also the only person he has. While Kano’s desperate attempts to always please Momochi are indicative of the fact that she probably has never experienced being loved, the way Momochi acts in their relationship also shows that he’s never experienced being loved before. Most people who were shown love while growing up would not act so possessive towards their partner and be so afraid of abandonment. 

In the following track, “Isolated,” Momochi receives a call from someone. His reaction to seeing the number is shock that this person even has his number. When he answers the call he even comments on how this person never calls him. When Momochi goes home he tells Kano to not leave while he’s out tomorrow. He explains to her that his father died and that he’s going to go to the funeral, but only so that people don’t get on him for not going. (Meaning that the phone call he received was from one of his family members.) Kano asks if he is okay and Momochi is confused by the question, asking her if it seems like he’s sad. He tells her he understands what she’s trying to say with his question, but that he is nothing like her. He was not abandoned by his family and he couldn’t wait to no longer be in contact with his family. He says that if she ever tells him something like that again he will kick her out of his apartment. The way he reacts to the news that his father is dead or rather his lack of reaction, shows that Momochi dislikes his father. But not just his father, he dislikes his entire family. However, the way he reacts to Kano’s question shows that he is not as unaffected by the death of his father as he wants to seem like he is. If he truly felt nothing over it, then he would not have reacted almost defensively about his emotions and the relationship he has with his family. Kano most likely was not trying to imply that Momochi was abandoned by his family, Momochi was the one who saw it that way, because he was the one who felt abandoned by them. It’s not a lie that he does not like his family and that he was the one who cut off ties with them but the situation is not as cut dry as he wants to admit. Momochi has always struggled with being vulnerable and open with his emotions, not just to Kano but to himself as well and this is really just a perfect example of that. Momochi does not want to admit to himself that, even though he dislikes his father, learning about his death is making him feel something other than indifference. 

In “Helix,” Momochi gives Kano a cartilage piercing because she wants to match him. In “Padma” when Momochi returns from the funeral he gives Kano earrings for her piercing, an earring that looks like a red lotus flower. He then brings up his new song, “Guren Shinjuu,” asking her if she knows what “guren” means (crimson-colored lotus). He compares the color red to flames. He also brings up another meaning of the word “guren,” a cold place; Padma hell. He tells her that if she agrees to go to Padma hell when she dies then can stay by his side. She agrees and Momochi calls her out saying she’s not strong enough to actually go through that. But despite her lying, he tells her that he doesn’t hate the way she is acting right now and that he will continue to stay with her until she changes. 

The way Momochi treats Kano in this CD follows up with the ending of Xtreme. He keeps on reminding her throughout this CD that he doesn't love her. It’s still a lie, but the fact that he keeps it up even now just shows that what happened in Xtreme, really did alter the way he goes about their relationship. It might seem contradictory that someone who is so afraid of being abandoned by their partner keeps telling their partner that they don’t love them since saying something like that would likely just increase the chances of him being left. No sane person would stay in a relationship with someone who says that they don’t love them after all. But his claims of not loving her are more due to the fact that he does not want to be left vulnerable again. He’s saying he doesn’t love her more so for himself and to prepare himself for the possibility of her abandoning him. Her abandoning him will hurt less if he doesn’t love her. This may also seem contradictory, but the way Momochi acts is also a way to keep Kano from abandoning him. It’s made obvious in this CD that she doesn't have anyone other than Momochi and because he’s always telling Kano he doesn’t love her but is still letting her stay by his side, it makes it seem like Momochi is doing her a favor. It’s why she acts so desperate to please him, Momochi even says it himself, she has to work hard to not be abandoned by him. Momochi is essentially praying on the fact that he knows Kano has no one but him and to stop her from abandoning him, he just convinces her that she would have nothing without him, especially because he is the only person who can tolerate someone like her. And a large part of her lack of friends is because Momochi does not let her leave his apartment without his permission, he doesn’t even like it when she looks at other people. He is quite literally isolating her and making sure she only has him. 

In the bonus track, Momochi goes and visits a grave. While there he says that it’s a shame he, his father, is dead now because he wanted his father to see him become more famous and successful. But they (the person he is visiting) should be happy because of his father’s death. Momochi then says that he is never coming back to this grave and that he has not forgiven them for abandoning him. Instead, it’s his turn to abandon them. Although never explicitly stated, it’s pretty obvious he is visiting the grave of his mother. And what he says here makes it pretty clear that Momochi’s abandonment issues are because his mother abandoned him (a more canon confirmation than just the lyrics of the songs of season 1). It does put more things about Momochi’s childhood into perspective. Momochi’s father never believed his music career would be successful, and he probably wanted Momochi to do something else with his life. Based on that, I assume that since Momochi was young he and his father never really saw eye to eye much, the music thing was probably just the nail in the coffin for Momochi when it came to fully disliking his father. This part also pains me because of the implication of what Momochi says to his mom. He’s been visiting her grave for probably years, telling her what’s happening despite feeling like she had abandoned him and resenting her for that. And it’s only now that he is done visiting her grave. Partially because his father is now dead but mainly because he has someone else in his life now; Kano. Of course, Momochi does not directly say he’s leaving his mom for his girlfriend but it is heavily implied in the way that the first thing Momochi does after leaving the grave is call Kano. He does not want to hold onto the pain his mom caused him, he’s ready to move on with his life. Kano is not a replacement for his mom but she is now the most important person to Momochi. (This is also hinted at in “Guren Shinjuu” but just like with “Awauta” that song can be interrupted a few different ways and again I’m not good at analyzing songs so I’m just going to leave that as that. And “Guren Shinjuu” is the answer to “Awauta” according to IwaD.)

SEASON 6: RAVING BEATS 

The translation quoted in this section was made by Currytantou on Twitter/WordPress (bonus CD). 

There is not much to say about the main CD but I would like to discuss the Skit Dolce tokuten for this season; After the live. I have written a post about this specific CD in the past. I did write it almost an entire year ago so naturally some of the things I say there I don’t entirely agree with anymore/have a different perspective on what happens. 

As the title suggests, this CD is about what happens after Veronica’s live. A party is thrown to celebrate the release of “Makoto no Ai” and the concert. All of Veronica’s members are there along with the staff. Momochi gets upset from the very beginning because he wanted Kano to go home before the party began but she ended up in the room where the party was being thrown. To avoid having her be seen by the Veronica members, Momochi has her hide under one of the tables. Of course, as soon as they get home Momochi lets his anger out on her. She tried explaining how she ended up there; a staff member confused her as a part of the staff and she didn’t correct them because Momochi told her not to talk to anyone. Of course, this just makes Momochi more upset and he ends up throwing the champagne bottle he had previously dumped all over her saying she should leave and just do whatever she wants. He goes on about the fact that all she does is upset him but he brought her to the concert anyway because she begged to go. This entire time she clings to him so that he won’t leave and apologizes to him several times. In the end, decides to let her stay. 

On the surface, this just seems like another tokuten where Momochi gets mad for no reason and while it definitely is that, the fact that he lists out qualities of each Veronica member is one of the two things that sticks out about this CD. Right before throwing the champagne bottle, he says, “Are you trying to ogle the members and cozy up with them? Who are you targeting? Ama with the best look? Or is it Ohgi who always tries to sympathize with everything? Ah, I knew it. It’s gotta be Yamato who would pay attention to you. Or perhaps Shizuru who is the most loaded.” This season was when all the band members were given names, character designs, and profiles so the fact that he says this here is probably the writer’s way of giving the members a cameo. But I think this is also a way to show just how insecure he is. It’s been long established by Momochi himself that all the members are attractive and that’s always been part of the reason why he sees them as third-rate musicians; he assumes they were picked for being attractive and not their skill level. But it’s also why he is so adamant about not letting Kano even be seen by them, he’s afraid that she’ll leave him and pick one of them because she might find them more attractive than he is. And this new information about what the members are like just adds to the fear Momochi has. Momochi is not blind to all the good qualities that Ohgi, Ama, Yamato, and Shizuru have and he is aware that in comparison to him, Kano might see their qualities as better. After all, he is not super rich, a model, or all that sympathetic, half of the time he just says he doesn't like Kano and only gives her good attention when he thinks she deserves it. He has practically zero good qualities. The only good thing about Momochi is the fact that he’s musically gifted (and even then back in xtreme he told Kano he doesn’t even need her when it comes to his singing so that isn’t really much to offer in a relationship). And because deep down he knows all of this instead of trying to improve himself or trying to listen to Kano’s explanation he just jumps to the conclusion that she’s trying to cheat on him and gets upset. 

In the past, his initial response to Kano upsetting him would be to physically hurt her but that is not the case here. He throws the champagne bottle in anger but he doesn’t throw it at her. She only ends up bleeding because Momochi accidentally pushed her too hard when he was trying to get her to let go of him and she ended up landing on the glass shards. This is probably the one instance where Momochi accidentally hurts Kano and feels bad about it. Unlike in season 2 when he accidentally spilled the ashes on her but says she deserved it for making him angry (although whether or not this actually was an accident is debatable). When he realizes what he did his reaction makes it clear that he does feel bad about it. He even seems surprised and concerned when Kano says she doesn’t care that she’s bleeding, he points out that if she leaves it like that she’ll just end up hurting herself more. As he keeps talking it even sounds like he’s about to cry because of everything she says. It’s really an oddly sweet moment. For once, Momochi shows positive character growth, or as positive as it can be for someone like him. He does enjoy seeing her in pain but only when he is the reason for that pain. (He literally says that at the end of the CD.)

He does decide not to kick her out in the end but that’s only because he feels reassured by the fact that she looks and is acting extremely desperate as she is trying to get him to forgive her; she’s clinging onto him while crying, drenched in champagne and bleeding from the cuts on her feet. Even if he didn’t mean for her to start bleeding, the fact that she ignored that and kept trying to get Momochi to forgive her was something he couldn’t ignore. Kano already knows that he likes it when she acts desperate for him but she probably thinks it’s because Momochi just likes seeing her be humiliated and it partially is that but also because it helps him feel less insecure. He only feels secure in their relationship when he sees her this way because to him actions are more important than words. Sure someone can repeatedly tell him that they will not leave him but he can’t believe it until he sees that person do things to show that those words are true.

SEASON 7: UNLIMITED

The translation quoted in this section was made by Currytantou on Twitter/WordPress (main CD; Momochi side). 

In the second track of the Momochi side, “Quiet Water,” after going out to buy more cigarettes Momochi comes home to Kano lying in the bathtub. This freaks him out because he thinks Kano is dead. When he realizes she just fell asleep he gets upset at her, saying, “Are you aware of what you’re doing? And here I thought you ended up like that person-” He tells her that he feels sick and that she should sleep on the couch and leave him alone. While taking a shower he says to himself, “It’s so stupid to lose composure over that, after all this time. Something is wrong with me, really.” He’s talking about his mom here. This is pretty much a confirmation that she did die in a bathtub. Amazing how they set it up in the first season and it all came together in season 7. It’s not just that seeing Kano that way reminded him of seeing his dead mom but the fact that he was worried he had now lost another person he loved in the same way he lost his mom. In “Pieces” the second track of the Veronica side Momochi says he started living with his dad in the middle of elementary school and that was when he took on the surname, “Momochi.” This means that up until that point, he had been living solely with his mom and that he was probably around 9 years old when his mom killed herself. It makes sense that someone who lost a parent when they were so young still would not be completely over it when they are only 22 but Momochi desperately wants to be over her death. He does not want to continue to feel hurt by someone who abandoned him.  

Throughout the CD there is a butterfly that follows Momochi. He thinks he sees it right before he sees Kano sleeping in the bathtub and makes the comment that he thought he was seeing that butterfly again. And then he actually does see a black butterfly in the last track, “胡蝶之夢” (Butterfly’s dream) when he’s smoking on the balcony. He tells Kano that black butterflies represent the spirits of the dead. When Kano goes back inside he starts talking to the butterfly, “Are you perhaps jealous? Unlike you, I am acknowledged through my songs. Or is it her? I told you, right? I’m not going to you anymore. Because I’ve decided to stop singing about you. Stop following me.” The butterfly is the spirit of his dead mom. Everything he says here is a follow-up to the bonus track of Evolve when he last visited her grave and told her he would no longer come back. But it’s only here that Momochi tells her that he will no longer be writing songs about her. It’s his way of saying he is now completely turning his back on her and moving on from her. There is an implication here that his mom was also a singer and that her music career never went anywhere. This also matches up with how Momochi denies the fact that his parents were involved in the music industry in “Pieces” the second track of the Veronica side when Shizuru asks him about it. But he does say that he’s had a musical influence from the people around him so becoming a singer just happened naturally because of that. So his mom most likely wanted to be a singer but it never ended up happening, whether or not it had anything to do with Momochi's birth is up for interpretation, but she definitely told Momochi about wanting to be a singer and probably sang around him. Of course, he could always just be lying to Shizuru about his parents being involved in the music industry but that does not really change much because even if he was lying, his mom’s career still led to nothing. If anything, Momochi has probably seen himself as an extension of his mother’s failed career. In an attempt to feel closer to her after her death, he subconsciously started getting more involved with music and when he actually did become a singer, he wrote songs about her. It’s the reverse of parents who use their children to live out the life they never had, Momochi was using his life to live out his mom’s dream. But not anymore. He’s done doing all of that and is instead choosing to write songs about other things; Kano. 

Momochi also tells the butterfly, “Next time, do your best so you won’t be abandoned by that person. Oh, but then again, I suppose there is no “next time” for people who die by themselves.” His words are harsh and also reveal that although his mom died when he was living with her, she still died by herself. This could mean that she chose to commit suicide when he was at school so she literally died alone but it’s more likely that he means she died having no one by her side. Momochi obviously loved his mom when he was a child so it’s not that she died with no love but that she died alone because she never accepted that love or reciprocated it. However, this line could also mean there is literally no “next time” for people who kill themselves. As for who “that person” is, it’s his dad. Honestly, if Momochi was referring to himself, he wouldn’t have been so vague so the only other option is that he is talking about his father. Momochi was most likely born out of wedlock (remember when I wrote that all the way back in the section for season 1) so it would make sense that his dad abandoned his mom most likely after he learned that she was pregnant and she just had to deal with it all on her own. 

After saying all of that to the butterfly Momochi goes back inside and tells Kano, “Hey, did you mention Japanese food just now?” This line probably seems completely irrelevant to anything but it is such a small thing that the scenario writer included that I love. Momochi specifically uses the word “osechi,” which is traditional Japanese food and it’s commonly eaten on New Year’s Day and the word itself originally refers to a significant period. The reason why it’s mentioned right after Momochi finished talking to the butterfly, his mom, is to show that Momochi is entering a new period in his life, one where he is no longer chained by everything that happened in his childhood. It just further emphasizes everything he said to the butterfly.

As for Momochi’s interactions with Kano this season, it pretty much follows up the dynamic they had in Evolve. There are three instances in this CD that stand out. The first is when she fell asleep in the bathtub which I already talked about. The second is that Momochi tells Kano that he will write a song about her. It’s the first time Momochi has ever told Kano that he is writing a song about her. A development in their relationship, especially with everything Momochi said to his mom at the end. While talking about the song in the second track, Momochi says, “Magic, huh? That makes me a wizard? Hehe. I see. Then I gotta show everyone a lovely dream. But has it ever crossed your mind? What happens if one day the spell breaks and you wake up from your dream? Just so you know, that doesn’t bother me at all. I mean, I’m a wizard. I can cast a new spell, and I can even freely break it.” I love this entire exchange. It feels like a nice follow-up to the whole Cinderella motif in Xtreme (he does actually reference Cinderella again in this CD), and to the fact that his last CD was titled “Makato no Ai” or “Magical Love.” It is a very good metaphor to represent their relationship especially as it stands now. I do have a lot to say on that but it really has less to do with me analyzing Momochi and more to do with me picking apart the relationship he has with Kano. And the last thing that stands out is the conversation he has with Kano when they see the sun setting. He asks her what the color of it reminds her of and she says the earring he gave her in Evolve, the red lotus ones. He then has her repeat what he said when he gave them to her. The way the original conversation went in Evolve left the feeling that Momochi does not really associate the color red with good things since he literally compared it to fire and hell. And it makes sense when you consider the fact that he most likely saw the blood that was oozing out of his dead mom. Seeing something like that would naturally change the way he sees the color red. But here Kano associates it with something good, with him. Just like how he is no longer writing songs for his mom, Momochi can slowly start to change the way he sees things that were tainted by the death of his mom. That’s why he has Kano say what he told her when he first gave her them. It just goes to show the way his relationship with Kano is helping him move past his mom. 

SEASON 8: HEADLINER 

The translation quoted in this section was made by Currytantou on Twitter/WordPress (main CD; Momochi side). 

Headliner is a difficult CD to talk about in this because it feels sort of OOC and I don’t really like the reveal made in this CD but since it’s now canon, I am forced to mention it here. I’ve been summarizing the important events of all the past CDs and since I’ve already made a summarizing post in the past about headliner, to save myself some time I will just be copy-pasting it here.  

In the first track of the Veronica side, “光芒一閃,” Momochi gets a phone call in the middle of practice and goes to take it. When he’s done with the phone call he tells all of the members and staff that Veronica is over and he is never going to sing again. Then when Momochi goes home that same day, at the end of track three of disc one, “Days” Kano brings up Momochi’s birthday because of the profile update for Veronica. Momochi tells her that September 20 is the birthday of “Momochi from Veronica,” not him. Kano keeps talking about the birth date and he gets upset because it seems like she cares more about Veronica and “Momochi from Veronica” than him. So he has her say his actual birthday and when she does he tells her, "That’s right! That date is the birthdate of me, who is now standing in front of you! Veronica’s Momochi is not me. I’m not putting on that mask anymore. The new song that you’re looking forward to is not coming anymore. Wait and yearn as much as you want but Momochi from Veronica no longer exists in this world! I am just me. Veronica..? It’s the end."  

In track four, “長雨,” Kano wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to the balcony and sees Momochi crying. Momochi denies that he’s crying and says it’s just the rain. But he explains that he’s out there because he had a bad dream. This was a dream he used to have every day when he was younger, and he hadn’t gotten it in years, so he thought it was finally over. But it continues to haunt him even now. It’s then revealed that Momochi has a younger (half) brother who was spoiled by his family. Here it’s also revealed that Kano and Momochi lived near each other, so she must be aware that his younger brother was spoiled. Momochi makes it clear here that he hates his younger brother, and he doesn’t really understand why his younger brother is so attached to him and looks up to him when Momochi was just randomly introduced one day as his older brother. His younger brother started a band in their hometown, and he told Momochi about it. Momochi comments that to him, music is suffocating, but his younger brother sees it as some kind of joke. Momochi tells Kano that he’ll quit music because he would rather die than do the same thing his brother does. He also tells Kano that his brother, Veronica, and even her are just his way of killing time. Kano tells Momochi to sing. He refuses, so instead, she starts singing. He calls her singing bad and tells her to stop and then he sings instead. When he’s done singing, he says that he’ll keep doing music and stay in Veronica, but just until he finds something more pleasing than singing. He then grabs Kano and holds her against the railing of the balcony. He tells her she has to stay by his side and to keep listening to his singing as a way of holding herself responsible.

In track five,  “Winding Road,” while at a restaurant with Kano, the table next to them is celebrating a birthday, which annoys Momochi since he hates his birthday and just wants to forget it. Then, as a reward for being good, Momochi decides to tell Kano what his dream was. He tells her that he used to dream of it every day in high school, and it was him as a child sitting alone in the corner of a mold-smelling room, hugging his knees and waiting for his mom to come back on his birthday. That was the entire dream and Momochi hates it because it is just a reminder of the promise his mom made. She promised him that she would celebrate his birthday, but she never did, despite him being her only son and only family. He kept believing that promise year after year, even though it never came true until she finally just disappeared for good. He then reveals that the day his mom left him is the same as Kano's birthday. Kano says that his profile is just full of lies then. But Momochi says that it isn’t because Momochi’s Veronica did start on September 20th and that he hates the fake act he puts on, which is why his profile says the thing he dislikes is himself. Momochi feels like Kano is pitying him for living this way, but he tells her that it was his decision to put on the mask of being a good person and that he’s living in the moment. And that he’ll keep on living doing whatever he wants. 

I actually have less to say in terms of analysis compared to every other season just because this CD feels extremely straightforward and again I don’t really like this CD. I almost want to pretend it is its own separate canon. But this CD gives more information as to what Momochi’s life was like growing up. His mom neglected him his entire life, and despite that Momochi still held onto the promise that she made until she died. And when she did die he finally realized that she never really cared about him and that realization just affected him deeply to the point where he had a recurring nightmare about his mom not keeping the promise she made. What he says about his arrival into his younger brother’s life basically confirms that he was born out of wedlock. It is also the first time that Momochi directly comments on how he is two-faced. This and his comment on how he feels about music are really the only part worth analyzing but I’m not going to do that in this section but instead the next section since it ties into larger points about his character I want to make. 

OVERALL CHARACTER ANALYSIS 

In Headliner, Momochi himself says he doesn’t even know what his mom was doing when she never showed up on his birthday. So, to answer the question I asked in the season 1 section, I do not think his mom was actually a prostitute. And since Momochi only lived with his mother at first, I do not think he ever witnessed her be abused by his father (because he was off with his own separate family) or abused in general. Instead his abusive behavior and behavior in general is caused by the fact that Momochi has a disorganized attachment style (also referred to as fearful-avoidant).

People who have disorganized attachment styles, “have contradictory intentions regarding close relationships, wanting commitment and closeness while simultaneously downplaying the importance of intimacy.” This is the result of their upbringing. Disorganized attachment styles can be caused by several different things but as it applies to Momochi, it is caused by two things. The first is that his mom left him for long periods of time. Momochi confirmed in season 8 that she would leave him for long periods of time and he was used to it so she clearly never spent that much time with him as a child or infant. The second cause is her being emotionally withdrawn from him. When she was there with Momochi I highly doubt she consistently interacted with him the way a proper mother would, especially when he was an infant. Based on the promise she made with him it seems like she would at times give him the attention and care a child needs and then just act coldly towards him (when she was there that is). Essentially, Momochi has this attachment style because he was abused (neglected) by his mother and when she was around, she was inconsistent with her behavior towards him. I think she acted this way because she never wanted Momochi. But unlike his father, his mom wasn’t just able to fully abandon her child so instead she opted for interacting with him as little as possible. Had she never gotten pregnant maybe she would still be with Momochi’s father and maybe her singing career would have gone somewhere. This isn’t to say she completely hated him, because if she did she would have never bothered even promising that she would be there for his birthday next year. But their relationship was clearly complicated. While Momochi longed for his mother, despite how neglectful she was, she longed for the life she had before he was born, the life she could have had. 

The fact that she later committed suicide when Momochi was so young left him emotionally stunted and Momochi was never able to properly process the death of his mother. And it only made his avoidant and anxious behaviors in relationships worse. While his mom neglected him, she was still the only family he had ever had up until that point. No one else was there to console him about his mom’s suicide so he probably blamed himself for it first happening but as he grew up his feelings towards the entire situation turned into resentment over the fact that she was able to abandon her only son so easily. And the life he had with his father was not that much of an improvement. While Momochi’s younger brother accepted him, his father clearly did not and he probably only took him in because he felt like he had to. His father would spoil his younger brother and saw him as his true son, Momochi was just the bastard child that was now living with them. Seeing the better treatment his younger brother received only made Momochi hate his father and younger brother. He had no one to actually call his family growing up. 

Momochi says in Headliner that he hates himself for pretending to be someone he isn’t but he still does it anyways. He can recognize the fact that hiding behind a fake personality will prevent anyone from ever forming a real connection to him which is something he hates but also finds comfort in. This, of course, is because he has a disorganized attachment style. The only person he’s allowed to see the real him is Kano. But even their relationship is filled with Momochi’s anxious and avoidant behaviors. An article on disorganized attachment in adulthood states, “Their fear of attachment figures encourages contradictory and confused behavior. They seek to approach the partner in times of distress, but these approaches may be interrupted or incomplete, appearing to be chaotic or incoherent, because their fear of the partner may simultaneously cause apprehension and a desire to distance themselves.” Not that Momochi is literally afraid of Kano but the fear he feels is a result of how he was raised by his mom. At times he showers Kano with love but it can quickly change into him telling her that he doesn't love her. He also shows an aversion to being vulnerable around her. Whenever she asks him if he is alright, he quickly distances himself from her and tells her not to ask any questions or make assumptions about what he is feeling. He is generally distrustful of people and because of that, he is quick to accuse Kano of cheating. He just assumes that he will be rejected by her (and others) so he anticipates it. And because he anticipates it, he does everything he can to prevent himself from being hurt by it. Whether that be by creating distance between himself and Kano (and everyone in general) or preventing Kano from interacting with anyone who is not him. The only way he feels secure in his relationship with Kano is by being in control at all times and watching her desperately try to stay with him.

Momochi also has self-esteem issues. He saw his mom’s neglect as a sign that there was something wrong with him. And that was only heightened when he moved in with his father since his father also did not like him. That’s another reason why he developed a fake personality. If he pretends to be nice and cheerful then people are more likely to like him, even if he hates himself. His low self-esteem also plays into why he is so controlling with Kano and it goes hand-in-hand with his attachment style. All of this also plays into why he is so codependent with Knao. He fuels her insecurities so that she’ll stay with him because just like her, he is afraid of being abandoned. His smoking addiction is also a result of his childhood abuse. It is his way of coping with the circumstances of his life.  

The way Momchi acts could also be linked to him potentially having borderline personality disorder.  According to Mayo Clinic, symptoms of bpd include “a strong fear of abandonment, a pattern of unstable, intense relationships. impulsive and risky behavior, and ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Risk factors for bpd include neglect during childhood and losing a parent during childhood. All of this is applicable to Momochi. I would like to emphasize here that I am not a psychologist nor do I have bpd so I don’t feel like I’m not the best person to go more in-depth into this specific topic. 

In Headliner, Momochi says, “Music suffocates me the more serious I get about it, and there’s nothing fun about it.” If he feels this way why does he keep making music? Music is the one thing that Momochi is good at, he is even referred to as a music prodigy. He clings to it because it’s the only thing he has going for him and music allows him to feel better about himself. Through his music, he finally gets recognition from others that he never received from either of his parents. Music was likely the only thing that made Momochi feel close to his mom and after her death, he took it upon himself to continue keeping his mom alive through his music. But this is exactly why he finds it so suffocating. He hates his mom but for so long he chose to make songs about her and his career started because of her. And even after Unlimited when he told her that he would no longer make songs about her, music is still suffocating, It’s an outlet for him to finally let out all the emotions he’d held in about her and his entire life, but coming to those realizations about how he feels is painful for him. Music just serves as another reminder of the mother that never loved him and the unfortunate life he’s had. Music is the cage Momochi willingly puts himself into. But he says himself that until he finds something more interesting, he will keep making music. And it’s also because of Kano that he chooses to continue to make music in Headliner. He almost can’t completely make music solely for himself but he needs a reason to keep doing it. 

OTHER

Nearly all of Momochi’s CDs were written by Hidekatsu Miyoshi. The credits for Season 1 say “Hidekatsu Miyoshi (PolkaDot)”, Season 2 “Polkadot” and then Seasons 5 - 6 “Hidekatsu Miyoshi (Rejet)” and then Season 7 just says “Hidekatsu Miyoshi.” So the only CDs not written by them are Wired and Headliner. It is honestly extremely noticeable that both Wired and Headliner are not written by them. I briefly mentioned it before and I’m only pointing out who wrote the CDs here again because it is an important factor in Momochi’s character. 

In Wired the change in scenario writer works out well because the way Rejet had that CD play out didn’t feel like too much of a big character shift and I actually really enjoy the direction Wired had Momochi’s character go in. But the same cannot be said for Headliner. That CD just feels strange to me and it feels like there are two different versions of Momochi; Momochi and Headliner Momochi. 

Take that information as you will in regard to how you want to interpret Momochi’s character.

CONCLUSION

I felt compelled to write all of this so that I could finally let out all the thoughts I’ve had about this freak over the past two years. 

How can I call myself his number-one fan if I don’t write a proper analysis about him? I’m not sure if this is obvious from my username and entire account layout but I Love Momochi So Much. In all honesty, as the series has gone on I can’t say he’s gotten all that much better, he’s actually gotten worse in my opinion. But that’s more than okay with me, I love him for who he is. 

All jokes aside, it took me a little over two months to write this (started in September). That might seem like a short amount of time and that’s because I’m insane and practically spent any spare time I could working on this. It was mentally taxing on my brain and at some points, it felt like I was just writing one huge nothing-burger but I am very happy I was able to finish this. I love analyzing my favorite, Momochi especially. And like I said in the intro, you do not have to agree with everything I wrote here but I do just hope my opinions were able to offer a better understanding of his character/provide a new perspective. 

Thank you Rejet for creating this freak of a character that has taken over my mind like a parasite. Thank you to Tosshi for voicing Momochi despite him being like This. And thank you to everyone who took the time to read all of this.

[chimchiri]

Poll Adventure: Rarijack Dinner

Index | [prev] - Part 02 - [next] Special thanks to @babydarkstar for major support with the writing

Previous Poll:

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Minutes pass and Applejack still has no idea what to say. She’s drafted a few starters, but none of them feel right, or even like something a normal person would say to initiate conversation.

[You. Me. Saturday. Dinner?-] Delete, delete, delete…  [Hey Rarity, do you have any pla-] Delete, delete, delete…  [So Big Mac’s plannin to smoke some BBQ this weeken-] Delete, delete, DELETE.

Frustration builds—right in her chest all the way up to her ears. She can’t find the right words, and she’s usually so good at that—in her own way. 

This should be easy! It’s not a profession of undying love. 

Yet progress is a stick in the mud when it comes to her feelings for Rarity.

The legs of the chair squeak across the worn hardwood as AJ gets up and starts pacing around the kitchen, talking to herself. She takes her hat off, ruffs her fingers through her bangs, puts her hat back, runs a hand down her face. A huge, frustrated sigh escapes her when she throws her hands up.

“It’s Rarity. How goddamn hard can it be to ask her for somethin’?!”

That’s it. 

Tired of her own inaction, she slams her thumb on the call button.

Ring…

…ring…

With each ring the reality of her actions washes over her, and by the third ring she is fully aware of what she’s about to do. Her frustration morphs into panic and doubt, soaking her in dread. 

Is she actually doing this? Like…following through instead of letting her ideas fizzle out? 

This is happening, the phone is ringing, it’s sending the signal to Rarity’s device and she’s gonna grab it and answer and—

No, it’s too soon, they’ve only known each other for forever—

Before she can cancel the call, she hears a click—

“Applejack, darling!”

AJ’s gut leaps at the sound of that silky voice, clear elation in its tone and excitement at the chance to answer her call.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?”

AJ can feel her heart pounding up to her throat. Why is her mouth so dry all of a sudden? 

“Uhhh…howdy.”

Not her brightest greeting, but this isn’t the first time she’s acted without thinking it through. She doesn’t even know where to start.

The weight of reality makes her feel awkward, like a bull in a china shop. Too big for her britches indeed.

Silence rings in her ears.

Why is she freezing up at a time like this?

“Applejack…? Are you still there?” chimes Rarity on the other line, but she might as well be talking to a brick wall. 

It takes a few seconds of blank thought before AJ realizes it’s her turn to speak. 

“Agh! Sorry, I just—I thought I’d give you a call. See how you’re doing…make sure you—and the business o’course—make sure it’s goin’ ok and whatnot.”

She wants to smack herself upside the head. 

The business?

If she could go dig a hole outside and lay in it while the seasons change, she would; but she’s got a family to take care of and a farm to run. Surely this isn’t the worst moment of her life. Surely. But she doesn’t need to see Rarity’s face to feel the effect of her clunky greeting.

This is not like her. This is getting worse by the second, she doesn’t have a clue what to say, and she’s kicking herself for even calling. 

Why can’t she have even an ounce of the romantic charm that her parents had? Why is she so bad at flirting, especially when it comes to Rarity? When she tries to be intentional, it’s like she doesn’t know up from down; she stutters and fumbles like a bumbling buffoon. All this romance stuff seems so easy when she doesn’t care.

After a moment she hears Rarity give a little laugh, a sound like a sparkling stream running through fields of green. It makes AJ’s knees weak, a one-two punch to her joints. Elegance, grace, poise. When Rarity laughs, it’s flower petals dancing in the breeze; it’s birds chirping after a summer rain; it’s the shimmer of quartz shining in a dusty path.

“Oh, I’m spectacular, darling. Just putting the final touches on some designs for next month. I’m confident about my next line, but as always—I have too many ideas. You know me.”

AJ grins at that. “Yeah, I do. Knowin’ you, you’ve got at least a dozen too many.”

The chaotic, unrelenting artist inside Rarity used to annoy the hell outta AJ when they first met. Now she can’t help but find it endearing.

“Quiet, you,” Rarity says coyly, and AJ can hear the smile in her voice before she switches the topic, “How’ve you been, darling? You sound positively stressed.”

There it is again. The feeling of her nerves tying themselves to knots.

“I…uh…I’m doin’ fine. I just-”

“Is everything alright, dear? Anything I can do? I’m glad to offer my assistance—though nothing that could ruin my manicure; I just got a fresh coat. It’s a new formula…supposed to be hard as diamonds. Of course, I don’t believe such ridiculous claims until I try it myself…though I’d hate to push them too hard after I just had them done—Oh, but darling, please. Do tell me if everything is okay with you…?” Despite her rambling, Rarity sounds concerned. Great. And normally AJ would roll her eyes at the manicure excuse, but her nerves are shot, and that’s NOT what this is about.

“No! I mean—yes…I’m alright. Just—you know how it is. Farm and all. Exhausted,” AJ tries to give a lame excuse, though she can hear her voice break in between, and prays Rarity won’t notice. She clears her throat.

With the way it’s pounding between her own ears, AJ’s sure everyone and their mother can hear her heart beating in her chest, running like a wild horse. But that’s just what Rarity does to her.

“Oh, I do know, darling. Work can be a chore, especially for you. Ooh, we should go to the spa—it has been far too long since you spent a day pampering yourself! They have a new treatment that I just know you’ll love...”

“Yeah…yeah, that sounds nice,” AJ says distractedly, chewing on her thumb as Rarity raves about the newest spa services.

She’s blowing it.

She’s. Blowing. It.

Partly because now, she’s thinking about all that beautiful, smooth, creamy skin put on display next to her at the spa, all while she tries not to stare too much or say something stupid. It’s hard for AJ to admit to herself that part of the reason she finally took Rarity’s initial offer of a spa day was because of the promise of seeing her in way less clothing than usual. She got used to it eventually, but—did she really? Is it ever boring to see Rarity, in all her grace and glory, wrapped in nothing more than a towel? She’s all soft curves, and smooth skin, and pretty hair piled up on her head and held together with a big clip. With her hair up like that, it’s easier to see the cute little mole on the curve of her neck, one she probably forgets she even has. If AJ could, she’d lean over and press a kiss right there, feel her tremble under her lips—

“…but Applejack, really—are you alright? You don’t sound a bit like your usual sunny self.”

Fuck. Okay. Moment of truth. C’mon AJ. Stop stalling. Stop fantasizing when you could have it for real.

“Rarity, I’m callin’ ‘cause I—…well, I—“

AJ could ask her for a date, plain and simple. Which would almost surely be a confession. Something about dressing nice and holding doors (which she does anyways). It’s the most unambiguous choice for sure, but…is that what she wants? She’s never been in this situation before, wanting to change the dynamic between her and a close friend to something closer to the heart. She values her dynamic with Rarity, whether it’s romantic or not.

AJ could also just ask if Rarity wants to have dinner, no mention of a date in sight. There’s no obligation there, no real pressure to “get it right.” She knows she’s playing it safe this way, but maybe she should test the waters and make sure she doesn’t completely ruin her friendship with Rarity by confessing right away.

Either way, this means too much for her to blow it off again. She has to decide now.

Tag List: @mrrrpmeow @babydarkstar

[sugar-grigri]

I loved Salty Grigri! You know, agreeing with everything you said, it seems to me also that the pacing is bizarrely slow but rushed - in just a few chapters we went from the alley to Nayuta's severed head. And I'm here questioning if we shouldn't have addressed some little things along the way? This loss of pacing has turned it believable that some scenes were added for shock value instead of storytelling

I'm glad you like my alter ego... And again he was kind in terms of reviews, I still want to be consensual lol 

Why does Part 2 sometimes seem... hard to follow? 

To answer what you say, and without making a bad psychological analysis, I think Fujimoto is sometimes a prisoner of CSM. Let me explain, I have the feeling that in part 1, we're dealing with an author who writes HIS own work. CSM's identity was in the making, the tone, the characters, the references that would become fandom classics. This allowed him to work on a neutral ground, free of all expectations. Part 2 is incredibly difficult, because I think (and I blame) Fujimoto can't free himself from Part 1. To the point, where I have a theory that links the two enormously. 

But this isn't just reflected from a narrative point of view, it's also reflected in an author's psychology. Sometimes I get the impression that Fujimoto isn't writing HIS work, but CSM.

I understand Fujimoto that we just have to listen to the song, but aren't you yourself a prisoner of it?

"Of course Fujimoto writes CSM, it's his work". That's right. It's his work. In progress. We know what CSM was, it remains to be seen how the work will turn out. The identity of a work is in the process of evolving until the end of the story. Not before.

What has made CSM so popular are the extremely striking scenes, whether absurd, shocking or tragic. Sometimes more moments than characters or the story as a whole. So when I read CSM, I get the impression that Fujimoto, while having a clear plot for the story as a whole, thinks and writes from moment to moment, scene to scene. I'm sure people will say: at what point does an author do anything other than lead one scene to another? 

It's quite subtle, but instead of thinking about how the story is going to connect the scenes, Fujimoto seems to have thought out the scenes in advance, and the transitions are more improvised. or even secondary, which makes it rather difficult to understand the evolution of the work, as the highlights seem to be more scattered than connected per se. 

And that's what detracts from Part 2, the story doesn't flow, it's choppy and confusing at times. Especially the interludes, the transitions are a time for the characters to come to terms with what's happened. Instead of shifting from one narrative rhythm to another in the form of a cursor, the rhythm is switched on or off by a button, which accentuates the acceleration or loss of rhythm felt by fans. 

Part 1 took this care as the beginning of Part 2.

Our current arcs don't. They debrief in the same chapters that will lead to shocking scenes.

Chapter 168 is an exemple. Fujimoto closes an important scene, while debriefing the characters extremely quickly, as with Denji, and redoing an important scene with Asa hitting herself, instead of taking more time to deal with all these elements. Still in the same chapter, the characters board the train to the next important scene in the next chapter.

Several narrative functions (closing action, character debriefing, transition) are superimposed in a single chapter (or a maximum of two/three chapters). This not only makes the story unpredictable, it also makes it difficult to understand. 

Thinking like this shows that Fujimoto thinks more about what CSM is - scenes replayed by the networks with fans losing their minds - than he does about his own work. Fujimoto is sometimes stuck in the reception of his work. And don't get me wrong, no scene is there just to get people talking and to be edgy. CSM is always brilliantly written, and the meaning often lies in the absurdity. But the lack of transition, or at least work on that, makes the work seem like a compilation of highlights. Which again reduces their impact. 

It's essential for a work of art to be forgotten, to put the balm on extremely memorable scenes so as to make future ones more unpredictable.

[thefandomenchantress]

I’ve seen a lot of people condemning Hu for her actions towards Nico.

Which is understandable. At this point in the story, we’ve just recently started to see that her treatment of them tends to lean less towards friendly guidance and more towards babying them (Her cutting them off, and telling them that they’re just confused). In the trial, she admits that her main goal in life is to be useful. To be needed. And this undoubtedly carries over into her friendship with Nico.

It wouldn’t be completely honest to say that none of what Hu does, like her wanting to take care of others, relates to her need to be useful. While I think it’s a little unfair to say Hu doesn’t do what she does because she cares for others, and that she instead does it in order to strengthen her self-worth, I also think it’s unfair to ignore that part of her character.

But why am I saying all of this? I’m sure plenty of people have covered this topic before. Well, here’s the thing. I don’t really love how Hu is singled out in the what-she-does-isn’t-100%-selfless department.

I think it’s understandable why she’s so easily singled out, since the most recent episode made this part of her character extremely visible:

It’s abundantly clear that this is where Hu’s character arc is going. Whether she doubles down or reflects on her behavior is still up in the air.

But I think when people saw all that, they jumped to the conclusion that someone helping others partially for their own sake was a character flaw specific to Hu. I don’t agree, though.

We’re here to talk about Levi.

Ah, yes, the Ace-Nico parallels continue. But in all seriousness, I often see people debating over this part of Hu’s character. Hell, I even wrote a fic primarily about it. I haven’t, however, seen anyone talk about how Levi…Also kinda does this?

Levi wants to be a good person. He wants to be seen as a good person, he wants to be someone people can rely on for protection. The chapter is even named after his desire for this.

And maybe it’s just me…But I think that desire carries over to his friendship with Ace, just like how Hu’s desire to be useful carries over to her friendship with Nico.

Levi wants Ace to forgive him so badly. Why? Why? Honestly, it’s a question that kind of bothers me, because…

…This breakdown just doesn’t feel spontaneous to me. It feels like the entire chapter (and prologue) was leading up to it. Levi, in this moment of stress, is finally fed up with Ace, enough so that he even threatens his life.

As we’ve seen before, Levi doesn’t usually get this emotionally charged. The only way for this to happen is for these feelings of his to have been building up for a long time.

Which returns us to our question: If Levi doesn’t even seem to like Ace that much, then why does he want Ace to forgive him so badly?

It isn’t because he valued his and Ace’s friendship to an astronomical degree, (a friendship that only lasted less than a week), it’s because Ace not forgiving Levi makes Levi feel like a bad person.

He needs Ace to forgive him, to say that it’s okay and that he knows deep down Levi is a good person and didn’t mean it. Otherwise he’s stuck feeling guilty and like all the progress he’s been making towards his goal of being good is gone.

One could even say that feeling like a good person was Levi’s motivation to be friends with Ace in the first place, because let’s face it. I love Ace, I really do. And I don’t blame him for not wanting to forgive Levi immediately. If someone threatened my life like that, I’d probably need a week or maybe more to recover before wanting to forgive them. But not wanting to forgive Levi isn’t quite the equivalent to the way Ace treats Levi, even before Levi threatens him. Why would Levi genuinely want to spend so much time around a person who, in simple terms, treats him like shit?

The answer may be that being friends with Ace, someone who he thought needed protection, felt like the right thing to do. It felt like what a good person would do. They would put up with Ace’s antics in order to help him, even if it wasn’t much fun.

I’m very aware that this is an…Uncharitable look at Levi’s character. A pessimistic analysis on why he does what he does. But I believe that if we’re going to condemn Hu, maybe we should consider Levi’s actions as well.

I’m not trying to say that what Levi and Hu do is the same. But they are comparable. In the end, it feels like neither do what they do purely because they care and want to protect others. Hu wants to be useful, Levi wants to be good. And they act accordingly.

Hopefully all this makes sense. I just wanted to share a take I had on an issue I’ve seen floating around. If you want to share your thoughts on this I’d love to hear them. I’m curious to see what people think about this, since I haven’t seen people talk about it before.

[666writingcafe]

Reuniting With Henry

Levi

I've been working on myself lately. It's been a challenge, especially with also having to prepare to venture out into the human world, but I feel like it's been worthwhile.

Instead of spending all of my free time in my room, I've tried to socialize with other people in the real world. Specifically, some of my online friends. I figured that if they liked me in that space, then they'll probably be okay with me in a real-life setting. And for the most part, they do. I mean, there's been a couple of incidents where the opposite has been true, and that was demoralizing in the moment, but then I think about what MC would do or say.

One of the things I like about MC is their willingness to take risks, particularly when it comes to interacting with people. If they worry about looking like a fool, they don't show it. Rather, they allow themselves to be authentically who they are, regardless of what others may think about them.

As I watch MC observe Henry, I reflect on our relationship and how it's progressed. I certainly didn't like them in the beginning. I thought they were just another scummy normie who only cared about themselves. Of course, some of that was probably me projecting what I felt about Mammon onto them, but still. It wasn't like I was a big fan of them, either.

But scummy normies don't insist on befriending someone simply because they like them. They usually want something in return, but not MC. It seemed like the harder I pushed them away, the more persistent they were, but it wasn't obvious at the time. No, it was little things that they did that added up overtime, and soon I couldn't deny it: I liked MC.

Enough to let them chill in my room with me.

Enough to want to experience things outside my comfort zone.

Enough to touch them.

Kiss them.

Fu--

"Levi? Are you alright?" Shit. How long had I zoned out for? Apparently long enough for MC to move on from Henry and start rummaging through a box of games.

"I'm fine," I answer, trying not to sound too startled. "Just thinking, that's all."

"About...?" My anxiety tells me to change the subject, but I won't let it dictate my actions this time. I know MC won't judge me. They've proven that time and time again.

"You."

"Me?" They stand up, and I force myself to step closer to them. They seem surprised, but not in a bad way. At least, I don't think.

"I never thought that I would enjoy spending time with you." I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. "I always have a lot of fun when we're together. I mean, I know we've been playing games online, but it's not the same as having you next to me." MC smiles.

"I feel the same way about you." They reach up and pat my shoulder, and I have to will myself to stay put and not run away. "I'm proud of you, Levi. I know you struggle with admitting your feelings, especially towards me."

"I'm trying to get better at that."

"It takes time." MC pauses as they grab my hand. "The important thing is that you're trying."

They look so sweet.

I know what the moment calls for, but I can't seem to move. At all.

"You're blushing."

"I have to prepare myself." The thought leaves my mouth as soon as it pops into my mind. Thankfully, MC appears to understand what exactly I'm referring to, for they gently touch the side of my face.

"On the count of three?"

"Okay." Did not expect that to come out as a whisper. Then again, my throat feels a bit tight, so that would explain why I sound a bit hoarse.

"One." I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of their hand.

"Two." I take a deep breath, and my mind suddenly becomes clear.

"Three." I don't know which is more surprising: the fact that I'm the one who finished counting or the one who initiated the kiss. In any case, MC embraces me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on my computer chair with them straddling my lap.

[originemesis]

Spill it! Are you in love with Lute?

There's a furrowing of brows followed by a testy click of talons along a desk and finished with a derisive little snort. Just why everyone is so emotionally invested in his and his lieutenant's affairs is beyond his understanding- and technically his pay grade to prattle pretty about. Plus, it's not like anything he could regurgitate in regards to the matter would ever suffice as an acceptable answer to anyone whom would ask him such a question other than her that made up the subject of its inquiry. Perhaps that was why he was apt to play his word games, because at least if he could undermine the overall intelligence of a third party, he'd get something out of the exchange that wasn't the rolled eyes and rancor of someone who had already decided the answer for him as seamlessly as creation had decided his past partners with an unspoken but settling sentiment of 'suck it up'. Such engagements had always been with an end goal in mind- and he'd be dishonest if he didn't enter into most- if not all manner of relations under the premises of progress pistoned out of a need demanded of the first few to forge- that twit angels would glamorize and see as some pristine privilege they could but pine over and wonder the lot of mortals to be so miserable to shoulder it's cause.

Perhaps that was why he and his ever the sanctimonious superior seemed so at odds at times. He was so often given women that were to be of some service to his role that would have been retired by now had it not been for the whole extermination business that it seemed he was incapable of a deeper level of care that extended past provider...later teacher in the case of his lieutenant.

But what good was a right hand if it didn't align with what actions he needed take? What good was a rib that did not shelter a heart so easily dismantled were it not for his own ruthlessness aimed toward combative interception? When there was no need for the latter thanks to the curated deeds of his right hand in cutting down the obstacles that would impede his designs, then his hand was not only concerned with how it clasped the axe in it, but also the strings attached to the instrument that his weapon also served purpose, even if it was one barely understood by those that heard the sharp edge of a soul used to shatter so many in a singular strum.

Sometimes it just sounded like music- because that was really all it ever was- brought to life by a song in the garden in the same amount of days it took to create the fucking world. A right hand would know that along with every chord and trembled wrist. And she did.

"For the record, no one is ever 'in' love with anything. It's not a damned Olympic sized pool you just topple in one day because you didn't see on the horizon and it's not something you claw your way out of and leave whoever else fell in to drown. Sure, some would love to spin it that way so they can claim you're only 'in' love with a process. Maybe an idea someone becomes instead of themselves. But that's because seraphim exist in a vacuum where you 'live, laugh, love' without any semblance of why. Without the hard shit. Gravel on bare feet's a hard concept for those with wings. I might have them now, but I don't hold my approval at a jumping height because I have the wherewith-fuck-all to recognize you don't just love what you're given and stop at any sustained faults. You get those together ~ until your edges fit so finite that anything set to pry them apart can get fucked." Talons fan ever so briefly enough to intertwine and steeple as if ending the prayer of his own musings with culpable if not condescending smile.

"I am."

[zu-is-here]

Hi... Sorry for sad rant, beforehand

So, where do you guys get ideas, or help, or something? Like, internet has a lot of info... But I cannot find answers I'm looking for, or learn in general, so it's pretty annoying ...

And it's just...getting worse. I can't get help from family, they lost years raising me and I'm just stuck, not being able to "grow up" and be on my own. I can't find answers online, and I can't get medical/psychological help because it doesn't work (pills doesn't work on me, and therapy is just... You can't progress without talking and my mind just goes blank whenever I sit with the guy. Tried like 4 different ones, no results with any)

I have no idea how did I get through the school, and everyone pointing it out like me being in college is proof that it's not bad is pretty depressing (I'm here only because I barely passed a test, and in a subject that they would probably take in anyone, if they were just going to sign a paper. And even here I am barely making through just because teachers didn't really care and just let people pass).

It's stupid. I know it's just my problem for not getting it, or not trying hard enough, but... I just don't even know where to turn. In the end I just sleep day away or look blankly on the phone or wall. I try to research, or whatever, but nothing sticks in my mind for more than a hour if it gets there in the first place ...

Hii!╰(*´︶`*)╯

You know, the more I read, the more I realize that things are not as bad as it might seem. It depends on your perception and reflects on your attitudes.

I'm in no way minimizing your problem, but before you can get help, you might try helping yourself.

You're growing, you still do, and it's never a waste of time but your personal journey. You did graduate from high school, and you study in college now — that's a fact, and whether it's good or not really, depressing or promising, is only up to you to decide. As well as whether to accept this fact or to change it.

Sometimes you need to take a step, even if you're not ready. You can't start being on your own if you're not on your own now. You can't learn to cook if someone does it for you. Sometimes we learn not because we have a choice but because we have no other choice.

It's not stupid to feel helpless, you have the right to all the feelings, you are a living being. But this is not a dead end. You can get sympathy to feel better, but you know it won't help you to get better.

For your own sake, get out of bed and put away your phone. Start with self-care, move on to cleaning, and gradually expand your to-do's. Do it for yourself ♡

Same goes to getting help: don't expect someone to find a way out for you if you don't help them with it. If you can't talk to a therapist, write them a letter in advance. If you can't describe your problem, start with your feelings. I'm not a therapist and never been to one, but I believe it's a tandem, so take a step forward.

If you want to get an answer, ask the question instead of looking for a place with answers. If you don't like the outcome, start taking actions instead of complaining about the outcome.

Perhaps my words might seem harsh to you, but please, don't take them personally, for I truly believe in you (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃ You can make a change when you realize that your life, even with someone's help, is in your own hands. ☆

[slmwife]

I now see how my untreated childhood issues brought extreme toxic behavior into my adult relationship... w/ my kids, wife...

Most of my adult life, I thought self help books...religion, marriage counseling , ADHD treatment would help make me a better man. I had people cheering me on but as I grew older I think I was in denial of my capacity for attachment in a relationship and so I romanticized and fantasized change... I wasn't putting in the work that really made a lasting behavioral difference! Unfortunately, no one knew the level of untreated trauma I carried into my adulthood. How could they, that's not something I felt needed to be discussed, I buried it. I was unaware of the consequences. I had no capacity to know!

I only learned about it years after loosing a 28 yr relationship!

I spent 4 years searching for answers after the separation. It wasn't until year 5 when I found childhood trauma therapy.

It took several months to develop a "foundation" for this new concept of therapy... developing a nurturing, protective, and spiritual "Resource" before actually addressing my past traumas and flashbacks.

As time progressed, I became more self aware of how I was feeling emotionally and paying attention to my bodies reactions... then checking in with parts and resources.

All my life I studied concepts, proverbs, behavioral maps to understand myself, relationships via... the Bible, christian counseling, using I statements, Love Languages, Love and Respect, Love and Logic.

Nothing seemed to stick in the moment of what I now know as trauma triggers.

When I started working on my triggers, I began to shift my behavioral awareness from emotionally reactive to logically focused-questioning the trigger and dialoguing with the part.

Naturally, a part of me is questioning... skeptical... when someone says they changed, "have they really?"... my dad modeled inconsistency psychologically during my formidable years. Also, it appears I have modeled inconsistency most of my adult life.

But, it seems for the past year I have shifted my consistency towards self care. I have learned with trauma work that my triggers are parts of me... they have gone years unseen, unloved, un nurtured, unprotected. When I started paying attention to my parts, I started to develop a healthy awareness of my surroundings (no longer aloof- removed, distant from emotions...) and I started to have agency (the ability to take action or to choose what action to take instead of being a slave... and randomly reacting to emotions) for me and my parts! If I have parts than other people must have them too! It makes sense that I and other people react certain ways to unresolved triggers!

A foundational consistent change that has happened for a year now is SELF AWARENESS!

This has consistently brought me time. Time to create "space". By doing EMDR work it appears that many triggers are getting resolved...I rarely fly off the handle in nanoseconds!

EMDR unfreezes the memory of childhood trauma. When someone with CPTSD encounters a trigger, they feel as if they are back in the traumatic event and can have physical and psychological symptoms as if they were experiencing the trauma all over again.

This triggered behavior was often unpredictable, intimidating, selfish (childish!)... rampantly trampling the feelings and sensibilities of loved ones! No capacity to be emotionally present engaging of their time and energy. Unfortunately, my family was rarely able to be authentic as they were dealing with someone so fragile! Over time they lost their voice. Just like I had lost mine in my childhood.

In 2016, I realized something was deeply wrong. I lost my family and it wasn't their fault! I had a moment of clarity... I recognized that I put them on stage to perform-feel, act a certain way! How did this happen??? Where can I figure me out? I hit a wall and needed to find the answer.

I found inner child reparenting at my lowest darkest time... in 2021 after my marriage ended in divorce. Struggling with deep depression and starting to have thoughts of suicide, I was fortunate to have heard a message on reparenting the inner child -God provided another moment of clarity!

I had years of unresolved trauma that I received by my father. My new "purpose" is to reparent my inner child(ren). It was at that point I also learned about CPTSD therapy using EMDR, DNMS, IFS, Flash and started looking for a therapist.

I started trauma therapy in January 2022.

Over the course of a year I have followed other trauma survivors on social media that have become professional therapist on the subject whom share their experiences.

I've included a few below...

...The major role in good psychology is uncovering our unconscious. Accepting we have difficult behaviors and difficult thoughts. The hard part might be due to shame and putting on a good image of ourselves to the world (persona) a mask for survival... it creates resistance to having a dark side or resistance to know about our flaws and admitting our flaws being people pleasers.

Looking down in an advanced way is looking at why we people please and at the beginning of our recovery we are usually very disconnected from all those reasons about why we took that persona.

Until we do the healing work... The inner child will continue to interpret a lot of communication with others as shame rooted trauma!!!

3:30 we might walk away from someone confronting us and think " you don't know what it's like to be me!"

My response to the confrontation subconsciously might be to try harder for perfection.

3:44 But! There is no learning in that... it's just more of the same trying to hide it and put it away. Those are more strategies of making it not true to ourselves.

28:16 so what does it all mean diving into Shadow Work ...accepting our stuff and ourselves and diving into these issues will gradually result in the following:

1. We take ourselves much less seriously. We've done enough trauma work to realize that I am just not interested or I don't need to go to those intense places anymore.

2. I'm less bothered or triggered or offended by people, places and things. It feels less personal.

3. I see the humanity in others because I have accepted the humanity more in myself. I am less self- consumed.

4. I don't have to hide negative emotions or issues so much. They are more normalized for me because I've embraced humanity.

5. I've grown into a more mature and balanced place.

6. I appreciated that growth and even feel grateful that I've not acted out from those old places anymore.

7. I'm disinterested in a really good way about faults and issues and what people do and what people don't do.

13:40- the good news...we (CPTSD/adult children) can heal.

We can find space in the moment of trigger/flashback being conscious.... we don't have to react in dysregulation. We now have agency to buy time and process. We can solve it now because we have done the work to deal with our past while we are regulated. We don't have to stuff our feelings and explode. We h have agency over our nervous system now!

23:12- snapshot of what takes place in healthy transitioning to get brain and nervous system on line.

39:40- signs we are healing our CPTSD.

1:37 what is IFS

21:41 it's not about healing yourself... thru healing self you heal your interactions with...

28:51 How parts are formed

35:46 Couples fighting

39:05 Self Awareness

41:30 Triggers

2:30 About NPD narcissistic personality disorder and CPTSD

7:00 Overlapping factors of NPD and CPTSD

14:47 Non-overlapping factors

2:56 EMDR doesn't erase the memory. It reduces the emotional charge... or the trigger attached to the memory. The memory becomes neutral and it happened in the past.

3:57 is EMDR Hypnosis?

5:16 is it traumatizing

18:20 what EMDR looks like

6:03 DNMS- Developing Needs Meeting Strategy

7:04 DNMS and attachment wounding

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

1:55 Intimacy

3:00 Potential vs Reality

14:18 Trust and Vulnerability

So, to sum this up...

The purpose of me sharing is to not crowd your space or demand anything but to share my journey of the last 7yrs.

I certainly wish I had learned this earlier in 2016 so I had the ability to be present for the kids and not be a concern...burden. I was told by a few folks in 2017 to "fake it before you make it" and to "be ready for anything" your family needs. I tried but I realize now I had limited emotional capacity, maturity ...still getting triggered... dissociating, dysregulated.

I can't imagine how hard it was on you and the kids to not know why I couldn't be trusted, depended on, predictable all those years, and figure myself out! I am very sad you all had to experience it along with other stress that might ensue during the separation.

Shattered trust and betrayal isn't anything I would want our kids to experience. I hope they find friends, lovers, soul mates with the capacity to be vulnerable and hold space emotionally for them to thrive and they would reciprocate the same. 🙏😊☺️

Finally, I want to say I'll always cherish your friendship! You always believed in me... I'm so very sorry you never had that same consistent feedback from me! I always knew something in me seemed broken... unable to attach in a vulnerable way... afraid to share everything I was thinking with you because if I did you would leave me! Deeper than that ... I didn't understand my triggers and I was unpredictable with the fight , flight , freeze, fawn. As I write this I'm flashing back to how I might have been feeling... the same feelings of uncertainty in 1989 when we first met. 😔😔😔

In a way I feel very fortunate to be writing this insight. I hope maybe my story can inspire someone to find a purpose again if they have lost hope in themselves! I hope my future journey will make my kids proud and somehow help you (Susan) heal from my past mistakes. ❤️‍🩹☀️

[sideprince]

'I am about to attempt to break into your mind,’ said Snape softly. ‘We are going to see how well you resist. I have been told that you have already shown aptitude at resisting the Imperius Curse. You will find that similar powers are needed for this … brace yourself, now. Legilimens!’ Snape had struck before Harry was ready, before he had even begun to summon any force of resistance. The office swam in front of his eyes and vanished; image after image was racing through his mind like a flickering film so vivid it blinded him to his surroundings. He was five, watching Dudley riding a new red bicycle, and his heart was bursting with jealousy … he was nine, and Ripper the bulldog was chasing him up a tree and the Dursleys were laughing below on the lawn … " ... “Did you see everything I saw?’ Harry asked, unsure whether he wanted to hear the answer. ‘Flashes of it,’ said Snape, his lip curling. ‘To whom did the dog belong?’ ‘My Aunt Marge,’ Harry muttered, hating Snape.

OOtP Ch. 24

‘We thought we’d just have a few words with you about Harry,’ said Mr Weasley, still smiling. “Yeah,’ growled Moody. ‘About how he’s treated when he’s at your place.’ Uncle Vernon’s moustache seemed to bristle with indignation. . . . “The point is, if we find out you’ve been horrible to Harry -‘ ‘- And make no mistake, we’ll hear about it,’ added Lupin pleasantly. ‘Yes,’ said Mr Weasley, ‘even if you won’t let Harry use the fellytone -‘ ‘Telephone,’ whispered Hermione. ‘- Yeah, if we get any hint that Potter’s been mistreated in any way, you’ll have us to answer to,’ said Moody. Uncle Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs. ‘Are you threatening me, sir?’ he said, so loudly that passers-by actually turned to stare. ‘Yes, I am,’ said Mad-Eye, who seemed rather pleased that Uncle Vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.

OOtP Ch. 38

I'm far from the first to point out the correlation between these two moments and the implication that Snape, having seen Harry's memories of the Dursleys' abuse, alerted the rest of the Order who then acted on it (and there's some good meta out there on how it's not until an adult speaks up for Harry that action is taken, even though the Weasley kids tell their parents about his mistreatment as far back as CoS, but I've read miles of meta this week and literally can't find the link).

The idea that Snape watched Petunia stand there and laugh at Harry with her family, having known her as a child. The idea of him, of all people, noticing the overlarge clothes and malnourishment and various signs of neglect. The idea of him having dedicated his life to protecting Harry in order to make amends for his role in Lily's death and to make her sacrifice worthwhile only to see that her sister actively and deliberately failed to do the bare minimum when he was entrusted to her care.

The idea that Snape only realized that the scene wasn't a one-off bad memory, that it was Harry's family finding entertainment in his torment, because he recognized Petunia and put two and two together.

The second Snape gets a glimpse into Harry's childhood he sees neglect and abuse. He's never liked Petunia and probably hasn't thought of her in years and here she is, in a memory, the face he knew as a child all grown up now, laughing derisively with the same cruelty she showed Snape himself years earlier but now directing it at her sister's child instead of taking care of him when Snape is risking his life for the kid. I can imagine his anger went well beyond just giving him a different perspective on Harry and this insight being the first moment he saw Harry as more than just an echo of James.

The idea that Snape knows Harry is bound to keep going back to that house because of the magical protection it gives him, while also knowing that this is all the protection he's afforded there. There's a parallel in there to Snape's own choices as the books progress, between the lesser of two terrible choices.

[kaibutsushidousha]

Memory in Children: Mechanical Choices (Sagrada Reset 3) - Chapter 2: Android Girl (July)

[INDEX]

"Please use the abilities to make me remember the past again", said Haruki on July 2nd.

She had thought about this for the past few days and mentioned it now that she was called to the rooftop. Conveniently enough, Asai Kei and Souma Sumire were already there when she arrived.

Souma nodded with no signs of surprise.

"Of course. I don't mind. I know Sakagami will help. It only depends on you now, Kei."

Kei sighed as if nothing in the world mattered. This expression of his was semi-frequent.

"Why do you want to remember the past?"

Haruki predicted this question. Asai Kei asked for the reasons behind actions all the time.

"I want to remember when I had emotions."

"Why?"

"To solve Mari's issue."

For a long while, she had searched for a way to make a mother love a daughter. But she found no answer. Instead, she realized why she couldn't find an answer.

(I don't love anyone. I don't like or dislike anyone.)

Thinking about love didn't tell her what the emotion was like.

(Without understanding that, I'll never be able to figure out how to make a mother love a daughter. That much is obvious.)

Haruki needed to find her emotions first. That's where she needed to start from if she wanted a method to earn a mother's love.

Emotions. A word she didn't understand. She doesn't remember ever being aware of them. The only thing she could remember was Mari gripping the hem of her skirt. Every time she did, Haruki felt something was misaligned.

Maybe "emotion" was how they called this misalignment. Haruki gripped her own skirt but nothing felt misaligned.

Kei looked at Haruki. She couldn't find any emotion in his gaze.

"You think that you had emotions before but now you lost them?"

Haruki nodded.

"Yes."

"What makes you think so?"

"I know tears are warm. That must mean I cried in the past."

(I don't remember it, but there must have been a time when I had enough emotions to properly shed tears.)

Kei shook his head and answered.

"I don't really care. Do what you want."

That day, Haruki started searching for her emotions.

With Asai Kei's and Sakagami Yousuke's help, she recalled her memories in full detail to find her emotions.

She retraced her memories, progressing deeper into the past one step at a time.

She found what she was looking for two weeks later: on July 16th.

That day, Haruki remembered when she was 5.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a cicada by the sidewalk.

It was atop the white line that separated the pedestrian walk from the road.

The cicada cried incessantly with its belly facing the sky. It flapped its cellophane-like wings with all its might, but couldn't take flight again. All it could do was drag its body drawing circles on the hard asphalt.

The cicada who couldn't fly seemed like it was telling Haruki it was suffering. Haruki thought the cicada was codified pain and despair condensed into a size that fit in the palm of her hand.

The cicada on the asphalt kept flapping its wings. Despite never being able to fly again.

It was very tired. Its scraped wings hurt. Not being able to move the way it wanted scared it. Nonetheless, the cicada continued attempting to fly.

The 5-year-old Haruki wanted to help the cicada if she could. She thought it deserved to be saved from all this suffering.

And so, she extended her hand. Her index and middle fingers touched the cicada's hard exoskeleton. The cicada flapped its wings more intensely, then it stopped moving.

The suddenness with which the cicada stopped moving resembled death. It was seemingly drained of all the energy necessary to remain alive. The cicada's body was as light as an empty husk.

Haruki watched the cicada on her hand.

Eventually, the cicada started crying again. It suddenly started flapping its wings again and slipped off of her hand.

Haruki was startled by the danger of it, but the cicada never crashed on the hard asphalt. It was safely clung to the chest area of Haruki's blue dress.

Relieved, she looked around. She wanted to put the cicada on a tree. She knew that cicadas landed on trees to suck its sap. Landing on clothes didn't save the cicada.

The five-year-old Haruki was very small. She couldn't reach the branches of big trees.

Looking around, she found an adult-sized hedge. Haruki ran to the hedge, still with the cicada clinging to her little dress.

She stood in front of it and reached for the cicada. Its complexly shaped legs were weakly attached to the fabric. The slightest pull removed the bug from the dress.

(Oh, right), realized the 14-year-old Haruki. (Mari's grip on my uniform was most likely this strong.)

The 5-year-old Haruki hooked the cicada to a thin branch of the hedge.

The cicada remained unmoving for a long time.

Haruki kept staring at it.

The wind blew, shaking the hedge. It was almost nothing. But this almost nothing was enough to make the cicada fall. It crashed into the asphalt with a faint noise.

The cicada never moved again. It rolled on the asphalt like a stick. Haruki noticed that the cicada died somewhere along the way.

The cicada will never move again. It will no longer wish to fly. The world had lost one cicada.

She remembered the weak grip on her blue dress. But the cicada on the asphalt won't land on Haruki's clothes again.

Before she knew it, she was crying. She was overtaken by sadness.

She lost strength, as if the death she saw was her own. With both arms loosely slouched, Haruki looked at the cicada and cried.

As she cried alone on the sidewalk, she could hear cicadas. Many of them still cried loudly. All of them would die one day. There was no doubt. All of these cicadas would be dead by the end of summer.

Thinking that made Haruki cry even more.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 14-year-old Haruki was sitting on a folding chair in the student council room, remembering everything from when she was 5.

She was already getting used to the sensation of having vast amounts of information entering her brain at once. She was ready to receive the mind-crushing blocks of memory.

Nonetheless, Haruki's face twisted and she bit her lips. An unpredicted form of pain afflicted her. Not in the brain but in the heart. —She couldn't tell if it was hot or cold, but there was a unique temperature to this pain.

She heard Souma Sumire's voice.

"What happened?"

She answered without thinking. Not really "answer" because her words weren't directed at Souma. But it wasn't exactly a monologue either. It was a dialogue with herself.

"I was crying. Always."

(How did I forget that? When I was 5, I cried a lot.)

Back then, Haruki cried every time she saw tragic news on TV, found something broken, or heard sad stories. And she still hadn't lost the physical capability to cry.

She heard Asai Kei's voice.

"And why did you cry?"

"Due to tragedies."

"What tragedies?"

"Pretty much everything. The natural state of the world is tragic."

It was tragic that everything alive would eventually die. It was tragic that everything tangible would eventually break. Everything about those natural rules made her sad.

She thought the world was rooted in sadness and misfortune. She believed that much like gravity pulled everything to the ground, there was a force drawing all humans, living beings, and physical objects toward tragedy. She had no other way to explain the necessity of death. Nothing had any real need to be irreparable. The 5-year-old Haruki Misora interpreted everything in her life as saddening.

"The natural state of the world... is tragic?", Asai spoke with a calm voice.

"Yes."

"So that's why you lost your ability to make choices. And because you couldn't choose anything, you created the rules. Is that correct?"

A few rules that defined Haruki Misora's actions.

He continued.

"If all routes lead to tragedy, all choices are pointless. No choice changes anything. That's why you lost your ability to make choices. But you still had to choose things despite being unable to, so you had to establish rules for your behavior."

(Was that it? Sounds right.)

Reaching out for the cicada didn't help it. That's the unsavory truth she learned. If nothing can ultimately be saved, she needed to come up with a different reason to reach out to a dying cicada.

She needed simpler, more unwishful, and more inorganic rules.

"There's one thing I wanna know.", said Asai Kei with his usual calm tone. "Who exactly is suffering from these tragedies?"

The answer was obvious.

It's Haruki Misora herself. Her brain knew that.

But she found herself surprisingly unsure. Was Haruki the one suffering from the cicada's death? Shouldn't that suffering belong to the actual cicada? What makes the cicada's death a personal tragedy to Haruki?

Unconsciously, she whispered: "I don't know."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The clock showed that less than a minute had passed.

Haruki looked debilitated despite spending this short of a time remembering old memories.

Asai Kei and Souma Sumire carried Haruki to the infirmary together. Before she was done lying down on the bed, she fell asleep. She dropped quietly like a withered branch falling off a tree.

Kei could spend the entire day sitting next to her, but he didn't. And he didn't have a reason for this choice. He aimlessly climbed the stairs. Opening the door to the school rooftop, he realized how much that place soothed his heart.

He looked at the sky. It was already a mid-July sky. The world on the rooftop was completely engulfed in Summer. He could hear the echoes of the cicadas below.

"Why did you ask that question?", asked Souma. She was more distant than usual.

Kei answered with an intentional smile.

"Which question?"

"Who exactly is suffering from these tragedies? That's not a question one would normally ask."

"I had a hunch."

He was always thinking about androids, about people, and about Haruki. His thoughts lead him to one theory.

He believed he had the answer to "What is Haruki lacking?".

"What Haruki lacks is self-acknowledgement. The younger Haruki couldn't tell she was suffering. That's how much she's able to ignore herself."

Kei didn't know what made Haruki like that. Maybe she was born that way or maybe she failed to learn something everyone knows.

The reason didn't matter. What he knew was that from a young age, Haruki wasn't too capable of acknowledging herself.

That explained everything to him.

"A cicada's death doesn't make a normal 5-year-old that sad. Kids that young don't see the world with such an overblown lens of pessimism."

"Yeah, I agree with the theory."

"We're always the most special person to ourselves. We suffer more from misfortune affecting someone close than affecting a stranger, and we suffer more from misfortune affecting ourselves than someone close. That's how it works for most people."

(That's what keeps us balanced. We can write off distant calamities as not our problem.)

"And I'm not excluding myself from the argument. I hate being personally hurting and suffering a lot more than I hate other people's misfortunes."

"That's true for pretty much everyone. We all help and hurt others for our own sakes."

"But not Haruki."

(Just how much suffering there is out there for someone who mistakes the deaths on TV news for their own death? How difficult it is to live when you accept all the pain in the world as your own? How much despair there is every day if even the death of a cicada feels like you died?)

People set up a filter to give those issues closure. They put a clear divide between themselves and others, which dulls them to the pain of others.

But for Haruki Misora, who lacked this function, constant sadness was the only option. She exhausted her emotions and kept the sadness going until she completely forgot she was sad.

"I'm pretty sure that's it. She doesn't give herself special value, so acknowledges the full tragicness of every tragedy."

For anyone in their right mind, this needed fixing. She was lacking a function essential to human life. But despite knowing that, Kei couldn't bring himself to devalue Haruki's personality.

(If life made them suffer that much, a normal person would have put an end to it. When they realize they can't save a dying cicada, anyone else would simply give up. If sadness was draining their emotions, anyone else would grow unable to do anything. Yet she chose to keep functioning.)

She created mechanical rules to make decisions for her, despite how much that laid her tragedy bare.

Haruki imposed on herself that if she found someone she couldn't save, she still had to try. Time and time again, she chose minor acts of virtue that anyone else would disregard, even if it cost her her emotions. For years and years on.

"I believe Haruki can only remain righteous in my absence."

She was pure and unadulterated good, with no desire for love, satisfaction, glory, or self-preservation. She can be virtuous without knowing she is.

"If anyone can be called a saint, that's Haruki."

(Virtue is a talent. The purest of them all. If someone without that talent tried to become a saint through sheer effort, all you'd get is a hopelessly twisted hypocrite pretending to be good. Haruki Misora is the talent of virtue taken to its purest.)

"Nice moral viewpoint.", Souma giggled a quiet and perhaps sad giggle. "But Haruki can't save anyone."

"I know that."

Pure good is very weak. There's very little one can do without hurting others.

Souma approached Kei. She peered into Kei's eyes.

"People would rather be saved by a hypocrite than be watched by a saint."

"Sounds right."

"And Kei, I believe the only ones who can save others are conceited hypocrites like you."

"I'm not like that. I can't even emulate virtue."

(I don't have the courage a true hypocrite needs for that.)

He lost his ability to fake virtue when he chose to abandon his parents and remain in the city. When his absolute memory made him unable to forget any of his wrongdoings.

"You can start now, Kei. But you're a strong guy, so you'll eventually find yourself unable to escape from that. Whenever you decide it's time to play the saintly character, I know you'll be able to pull it off."

"Hah.", he laughed. "I don't know what you mean. I can't be anyone other than myself."

Souma Sumire extended her right hand to Kei. The inside of her fingers weakly pushed against Kei's cheek.

"Exactly. You can't be anyone other than yourself. Stupidly kind, obsessively sensitive to malice, relentlessly driven to be righteous despite not believing in your own righteousness."

"You're talking nonsense."

"Sure, I can prove it to you."

"Oh? How?"

"I'll give you the opportunity to do exactly what a saint would."

Souma pulled away her right arm and instantly erased her smile.

"I searched into Kurakawa Mari."

"And?"

"You know how she's always going to the hospital? It's a hospital I've been to regularly for a treatment I did as a kid."

(Wait, what? What she just said doesn't make sense.)

"As far as I know, you moved to Sakurada last year. Why was your regular treatment in the same hospital as Mari, who lives here?"

"I was born here. We just moved away for a while and moved back last year."

"That's news to me."

"Does my past interest you so much?"

(You being born in Sakurada is certainly intriguing.)

"Never mind that. What did you find about Kurakawa Mari?"

"I asked my doctor about her."

Souma raised her chin, with her eyes still fixed on Kei.

And then she told him a single partial fact about Mari.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haruki Misora woke up in the school infirmary and touched her chest.

She was feeling a strong pain there—but she assured herself that this was a sign of the sadness going away.

Asai Kei told her before that his ability couldn't be deactivated. He'll never forget what he used his ability to remember. But that wasn't the case for Haruki. She was affected by Kei's ability through Sakagami's. Whenever Sakagami stopped using his ability, Haruki would lose the power of Memory Retention. The violent sadness and heavy heartache she felt in the student council room were already fading from her memories.

Haruki got off the bed, picked up her bag, and told the school nurse that she was fine. Asai Kei and Souma Sumire weren't nearby. They had gone home earlier.

She changed her shoes and left the campus.

She heard the cicadas. Many of them. But at age 14, cicadas no longer made Haruki sad.

On her way home, Haruki passed by a park and looked inside.

She found Kurakawa Mari alone on the swings. She hadn't seen her in two weeks. Haruki walked closer to Mari for no particular reason.

"Oh, hi, miss."

Upon noticing her, Mari jumped off the swing and called her with joy. The pouch on her shoulder floated in the air for a few instants before dropping.

Mari ran to her with a smile.

(This is a smile. It's been 3 months since I met her at the end of April. I believe I already learned Mari's expressions in detail. I won't be stuck again trying to discern a smile from a crying face.)

"Jumping off the swings is dangerous.", claimed Haruki.

Mari apologized with a very earnest bow.

"Sorry."

And when she raised her head, she had a big smile on.

"You were late today. I thought I wouldn't see you."

"I had to go to a few places, such as the student council room and the infirmary."

"The infirmary?"

"I wasn't doing perfectly well."

Mari's face distorted with unrest. Noticing that, Haruki added:

"I'm better now. I recovered."

"Really? That's nice."

"Yes."

(People say it's better to get all of your health issues solved, but was it really okay to lose that pain in my heart?)

That random question arose inside her. She had no answer.

Haruki and Mari rode on the swings next to each other. Mari asked her to. Haruki had no reason to refuse.

She had grown quite used to riding child-sized swings. She also felt herself better at talking to Mari.

Haruki wondered if that was a form of growth.

(Probably not. It must be just a new rule forming within me. A rule for how to converse with Mari. The rule simply hasn't taken a verbal shape yet. It'll eventually form a solid outline I can convert into words, and it will become a rule I can more comfortably follow.)

Those were the thoughts crossing her head while she rode the swings. The wind blew her hair on her face, and when she put it away, the park's entrance entered her sight. There she saw a familiar boy.

(Asai Kei.)

His path home was in the opposite direction. She always saw him and Souma walking the opposite way when leaving school.

Asai Kei approached them with a twisted smile.

"The swings suit you surprisingly well, Haruki."

"Is the concept of 'suiting well' applicable to swings?"

"Probably. I sure wouldn't look nice on them."

He stopped in front of Mari. She stopped swinging and looked at Kei with curious eyes.

"Are you Kurakawa Mari?"

"Yeah."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Asai from Haruki's school.", he extended his right hand.

"Your hand?", Mari tilted her head.

Kei smiled kindly.

"Can I get a handshake?"

"Handshake?"

"Yes, you can greet others by shaking their hands."

Convinced, Mari extended her hand. He grabbed her hand. Not the way you grab for a handshake. He flipped her wrist, as one does to check for someone's pulse. His movements were strange when compared to Haruki's idea of a handshake.

"Nice clothes you're wearing.", said Asai Kei.

That's what made Haruki pay attention to Mari's clothes for the first time. A checkered one-piece dress.

Mari happily nodded.

"Thanks, mom bought it for me."

"Excuse me for a moment."

Kei moved his hand to Mari's wrist to confirm his suspicions.

Next, he rested his hand on Mari's shoulder.

"What school do you go to?"

"Uh, Kawarazaka Elementary."

Haruki never heard of that school. It wasn't anywhere close to this place.

Asai nodded.

"That's quite far from this park. What are you doing here?"

"I had an exam today."

"An exam?"

"On exam days, I play here until mom arrives."

"Do you know what you're examined for?"

"I don't. They take samples of my blood and do some weird tests on it."

"Ok.", Kei nodded. "By the way, Mari, can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?"

He spoke, never dropping his kind smile:

"Did you know a girl named Kurakawa Mari died 7 years ago?"

It took a while before Haruki understood the meaning of his words.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The original Kurakawa Mari died 7 years ago.", said Souma 15 minutes ago.

Kei could only repeat her "Died?". He couldn't believe it.

But Souma nodded without changing her expression.

"The original Kurakawa Mari failed to be safely born. When the doctor cut her mother's belly open, she was no longer breathing."

It was easy to dismiss Souma's story as a lie. That would have been the natural reaction to it.

But abilities existed in this city. Common sense meant nothing before the power of Sakurada City. Anything could happen.

That's why Kei ran to the park. Looking at Mari straight in the eyes and holding one of her hands, he asked one question.

"Did you know a girl named Kurakawa Mari died 7 years ago?"

Even assuming the real Mari is indeed dead, is it really necessary to ask her this question? Kei's answer was no. He believed that was not a question a 7-year-old should be hearing.

Nonetheless, he kept going.

"And if the real Mari is dead, who would you be?"

Mari's face had an expression of immense dread. It was fear that made her gulp. Not simple confusion. Kei sighed internally. That proved she knew that the original Mari was dead.

Mari forced her faint voice out of her throat to answer.

"I... am... Kurawaka... Mari..."

"And you're alive. Or at the very least, you're warm and have a pulse."

(How? Is it possible to even revive the dead in this town?)

From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Haruki turning her sight away from him. She looked at the park's entrance. Mari also followed her gaze and whispered:

"Mom."

Kei let go of Mari's hand.

Haruki looked at an adult woman. The woman had long hair and wore white clothes. She approached slowly.

Once he looked at her, he couldn't take his eyes away. Her hesitant walk drew his attention.

(What a face to make.)

That was his first impression of Mari's mother.

Sadness, pain, fear, regret, resignation; every possible negative emotion was plastered on her expression and sent signals to her facial nerves. The end result was an intimidating neutrality, trapped in a middle ground between anger and sorrow.

Her hair was dyed into a bright brown, but that failed to lighten her impression, in Kei's opinion. Her stress wrinkles were the cause. The wrinkles on the corner of her eyes and her mouth made it impossible for her to smile.

Mari ran to her mother. It seemed like she was dashing for a hug. But Mari stopped a step away. The mother looked at Mari with cold eyes and emotionless spoke to Haruki.

"Thank you as usual."

"You're welcome."

Haruki's voice and face are equally emotionless. The sunset arrived without them noticing it. The red dusk illuminated their blank countenances.

(Looks like Mari's mother knows the whole truth. She is perfectly aware of what the girl going by Mari's name is.)

But he didn't feel like asking her directly. Because the woman's face was far too exhausted. He could tell that one wrong word would result in an unimaginable problem.

Mari left the park one step behind her mother. Along the way, she turned back and waved at Haruki multiple times. She looked like a perfectly normal girl.

"Tell me more about Kurakawa Mari's death.", Haruki asked after she could no longer see Mari and her mother.

"I pretty much already told it all."

Kei repeated what Souma told him. Haruki listened to the story in silence. From an outsider's perspective, nothing changed. She was the usual Haruki Misora.

"Haruki, what are you going to do next?"

"About what?"

"About Mari. How will you interact with her going forward? Will you involve yourself in her situation or keep your distance? You have a lot of decisions to make."

"Can things not continue the way they were?"

"Something about that girl isn't normal. I still don't know what. But honestly, I think you need to be at least a little more careful."

Haruki gazed at him for a long while. Kei silently accepted her heavy stare.

She silently shook her head.

"I see no reason to change my behavior."

"You're going to stay Mari's friend like nothing happened?"

"Her... friend?"

"Is that not what it is?"

"It is. I hope so."

Kei sighed.

The real Kurakawa Mari died 7 years ago. Kei expected that Haruki would be this unfazed by the information. Since she can't recognize her own presence, there's nothing she'll find uncanny or threatening. Haruki Misora was completely defenseless against events where she was the subject.

Kei peered into Haruki's eyes. Every time he did, he mentally commented that her eyes were so pretty that they seemed artificial.

"Sure, you do you."

"I will."

"One thing though. If you're trying to make that girl happy, don't settle for a method. Never stop thinking about what's the right thing to do. Break your limits to go beyond those rules of yours."

Pure good was like a meaningless prayer. Joining one's hands together doesn't accomplish anything. Something beyond it is necessary. The egotistical will to reach one's hand out to others. Kei believed this girl had it. But he wasn't thinking about the Haruki Misora who follows the rules. He was thinking about the other Haruki somewhere deep inside, the Haruki Misora who created the rules.

Haruki didn't answer. She only stared at Kei.

"Don't forget to save every 3 days. With our abilities combined, there's no problem we can't solve.", Kei spoke to drive his attention away from her eyes.

Kei turned his back to Haruki and walked away.

Annoyed at a vague something he couldn't explain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Souma Sumire walked the hallway alone, watching the setting sun through the window.

(Who is the android?)

Souma already knew the answer when she posed the question.

An android. Something non-human designed to resemble a human.

Their operations are programmed. It doesn't matter how much they resemble a human being. Even if they awaken their own ego, that ultimately only meant that they were programmed to have one.

They're beings bound to the rules that govern them and are unable to step outside of their boundaries. That's how Souma Sumire defined an android.

(Who is the android?)

Kei will eventually figure out the meaning of the question. But not now. By her current roadmap, this was scheduled to happen in two years. In a world without Souma Sumire.

She stopped at the student council room, knocked on the door, and entered. Sakagami Yousuke was sitting alone on a folding chair.

"Oh, you're still here?"

"I noticed you forgot your bag, so I waited for you to come pick it up."

"Thank you.", Souma smiled.

As she predicted. When he leaves the student council room, he needs to lock it and return the key to the teacher's lounge. She knew that Sakagami had the key, so she left her bag in the room.

She also knew what the next conversation topic needed to be. She knew it for the longest time.

"Haruki freaks you out, right?", she nonchalantly spoke as she picked up her bag.

Sakagami let out a bizarre screech. Letters can't accurately describe the sound he made, but it was something between an "a" and an "u".

She looked at him and he didn't have his smile. It was a very rare occasion. Normally Sakagami always had a pathetic smile on his face. He believed that all problems would just fly him by if he kept a friendly grin, no matter how fake.

"Not at all. She doesn't freak me out in the slightest.", he mumbled.

"Really? She freaks me out."

That was a lie.

But she knew that this was the right thing to say at the moment. So she continued.

"She looks kinda... artificial. Really gives me the creeps sometimes."

(Oh, how much Kei would hate to hear me say this. But my hands are tied. Because this is the most correct answer.)

She noticed Sakagami gulping. And then he nodded.

"I can see how. But I thought you were Haruki's friend."

"I wish I were, if I could. But I really can't accept Haruki the way she is."

Her only sincere words here. She can't be Haruki's friend no matter how hard she tries.

Sakagami smiled with relief.

"Whew. And here I thought I was the weird one."

"Weird how?"

"Haruki... Well, Asai too. They didn't feel normal to me. But I was thinking maybe it was weird of me to say that about my juniors."

Souma thought about the word "normal".

It presumably meant fitting a standard. If you extract an average of a majority, what fits in the central range is normal. If something whole is grouped together with broken things, being whole isn't normal. Being broken is normal.

"True. They're not normal."

At the very least, they didn't fit in the average values of the majority.

Sakagami nodded relieved with her agreement.

"Why do you hang out with those two?"

"Because they need help. We gotta help everyone in need, no matter who, don't you agree?"

"Yeah. You're always so kind."

(Nothing about me is kind. A kind person wouldn't be having this conversation.)

But Souma's answer was:

"Aren't you too? You're cooperating with Kei and Haruki despite your discomfort."

"I'm not helping them, I'm helping you."

Sakagami paused for a deep breath and continued.

"Hey, I know you're always so kind, and I think that's great, but don't you think you should take your distance from Asai and Haruki?"

She wished she could answer "No".

She wanted to loudly profess that Haruki Misora and Asai Kei were upstanding people. She could spend the whole day talking about how sincere and well-meaning they were. She could testify about their past, present, and future. She really wanted to. She was starving to do so. Her impulses burst from the depths of her heart. But she couldn't put them into words.

Souma Sumire knew the future. She knew what would happen if she defended Kei's and Haruki's honors. Sakagami's grievances with the two would intensify and he would start avoiding them. And without Sakagami, her future plan would go off-rails.

At this moment, she mustn't be positive about Kei and Haruki. She couldn't afford to lose track of her objective. She left her bag in the room to ease Sakagami's nerves enough. She was there to lie that she was on his side.

Thus, Souma nodded ambiguously.

"Ok, I value your advice, Sakagami. I'll think about it."

Sakagami smiled with relief. He couldn't forsake Souma, so he would keep his contact with Kei and Haruki. Goal accomplished. She felt awful about it.

She asked a question to change subjects.

"Am I normal to you?"

Sakagami could smile with ease.

"Yeah. More normal than me, even."

"That's great news."

(Then Sakagami doesn't know how anguishing it is to be unable to escape normalcy. He has no idea what it's like to live forced to choose the best possible answer every time.)

Sakagami looked at Souma, wanting to say something. He had the eyes of a street puppy asking to be adopted. She knew how happy he would be if she asked him to walk home together. Considering what would happen next, doing so would be beneficial but optional. Then she would take the chance to be alone, as she really wanted to.

"Thank you for waiting for me, Sakagami. Bye.", she left the student council room.

Everything was following her roadmap. All parts moved as predicted. There was no other way for it to be. After all, she knew the future. Souma accurately followed the route that led to her desired outcome.

(But what about me?), she thought while going down the stairs. (Am I, who just follows a roadmap, human?)

One specific route went to the best future.

Souma couldn't step outside the boundaries of this route. Because she knows she won't have the future she wants if she takes one wrong step. Souma's rationality wouldn't allow for any other choice.

It was like she was controlled by an absolute program. The Future Sight ability had complete power over Souma's actions.

(Who is the android? Who is the least human?)

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[iamacolor]

Lmao my ask got sent before I finished. Yeah I agree, the fact that you could literally pick a random romance drama and there's a 90% chance it will have a protective and crazyily devoted man but you have to rack your brain for women is certainly something to ponder. I've watched hundreds of dramas and it's like looking for a unicorn idk 😐 like you can have your madly devoted guys but what's the harm in doing the same thing for the ladies it doesn't even take that much. I'm genuinely curious what is the thought process behind this because they are actively trying to not do it or sometimes it doesn't even occur to them that wait this is strange why is it only the guy that's doing all the work in this relationship and the woman only gets to react to that, even dramas that have badass smart women that save the day etc that's almost exclusively dedicated to things outside the romance which is crazy to me when the guy's entire personality becomes him saving the girl and wanting to fulfill her every with and whim.

i'm still scared to press any punctuation or space/enter button when answering or making an ask for fear of this happening lol

i think it's rooted in two things: - the idea that romance (either the actual genre or a plotline in another genre) is made to be an ideal to hope for, a fantasy for straight women in contrast to the real world - so we're getting lots of devoted men who are ready to do it all for their ladies and who want to do things for them and who don't feel threatened or emasculated by their feelings and who carry the relationship foward instead of letting the woman do all the (practical and emotional) work which is usually the case in real life lol and so they have to be the one who do the most in the show to counter that and be progressive because irl they usually do the least (or they do the most damage) - they have to seem too good to be true and kind of surreal in a way because that's how "rare" actual devotion is irl towards women (or at least it's so rarely talked about or praised or commented the way even though women are often expected to just serve and please - especially in very openly patriarcal societies which korea seems to be) and there's nothing wrong with dreaming of someone who'd do everything for you and who'd actually live up to what a partner is supposed to be but like you said a relationship is supposed to be a back and forth - but this is actually regarded as progressive by some people because it's just not the reality. and again there's technically nothing wrong with this kind of story the issue is the fact that it's so predominant like you pointed out - traditional gender roles (which are sexist) that prefer to have women be a passive subject to men's emotions/passions/feelings/actions (even when these emotions aren't threatening) instead of fully fleshed out characters with various motives and struggles and passions etc whereas the men are the real active subject of any story - this also ensures that the men remain the heros and the ones who lead the story, the relationship, who fight and win, who conquer and protect, who has depth and big feelings etc the women aren't often given the same depth because a) i genuinely think a lot of writers/producers see female characters as stand-ins for audience members so they can't be too proactive and unique and they think audience members care more about seeing things done to them than about seeing them actually doing things (and again nothing wrong with swooning over a romantic hero who does it all, i totally get the appeal of a man who's ready to face the world for you and treat you like a princess but romance stories are mostly women-led stories and so the female characters should be getting a chance to do it all! i don't just want to see a man treat a woman incredibely well, i also want to see a woman's journey to love and how it moves her and impacts her life, her job, her relationships...) and b) they risk overshadowing the male lead (which would probably be seen as emasculating or something) and making it seem like men might need women not just for emotional purposes and we can't have that of course!

i do think a significant part of most romantic shows' audience are expecting this kind of dynamic from a story and so they would definitely criticise it if it was too balanced or even reversed or if it became too rare and so the audience and the makers kind of feed themselves in a circle