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dreamkidddream · 3 years

Note

I’m the Doll!MC Anon and I just wanna say I’m so glad that you enjoy a soft/delicate!MC and I really didn’t expect it to get so much love!

Since I kinda want to be evil and see the boys be overprotective, can I request hc’s of them seeing Doll!MC getting hurt by some lesser demon that bumps her into the ground and she gets a bruise? 🌚

Omg Doll Anon I wasn’t expecting it to get so much love either (here’s the original Doll!MC HCs if anyone wants to read)!! So I actually had your request saved for when I was done with the prompt special bc it’s so good, so I decided to combine them and I have definitely been waiting to write this 😈😈 Reader is gender neutral!

CW: mention of blood (nothing graphic) and spoilers for Lesson 16 (Lucifer, Mammon, Beel, and Belphie’s part)

The Brothers and Diavolo with Doll!MC who Gets Hurt

Lucifer

Okay whoever is dumb enough to hurt you in front of him deserves this 100%

The air around this man is already more than intimidating, so whoever tries this is a poor, stupid soul

When he saw you fall down the stairs, he felt his stomach turn. He already caught you before you could injure yourself further, but after seeing the blood coming down your face, the damage was already done

Now, Lucifer is the brother who always has control over himself and what he does. But, we also know that how his temper can get, especially when it comes to his family

This demon is dumb enough to push you but not dumb enough to crack a smile in front of him, especially with how tense Lucifer is getting right now

He sat you up and tried to remember some first aid techniques to stop the bleeding. You’re on the verge of losing consciousness, but you’re okay right now. He’ll take you home, but first-

His glare is making the demon freeze in place right now, and the anger radiating off of him is petrifying

How dare- how dare this fool harm you, in front of him no less?! Did they think that he wouldn’t do anything? That Lucifer, the Avatar of Pride, one of the strongest demons to ever grace the Devildom, would just idly stand by and let this happen?

He’s stalking towards them, and he can feel his fangs showing and his diamond appearing on his forehead, growling out how they will pay for this-

But he’s stopped by Lord Diavolo, who was shocked by the scene. You’re unconscious, and Lucifer has this poor student hanging in the air by their uniform, claws ready to slice through them. Needless to say, he understands why his close friend is upset, but for everyone’s safety he should just take you home like planned

You thought Lucifer was a helicopter parent before? You haven’t seen NOTHING yet

He would start inviting you more to his room to sleep in his bed while he works away, and it started happening so much that he didn’t even ask anymore and started expecting you to always be in there

So instead of him being glued by your side, you’re glued to his. It’s obvious that he can’t let you out of his sight without something happening (again), so hope you’re ready to see experience Lucifer’s daily routine from sunrise to sunset and a whole new set of rules. Basically playing follow the leader, but with a lot more handholding and kisses

You had to practically beg to be back into the kitchen, and he only relented when he could be the one to supervise you, and even then he still didn’t want to hold anything sharp or be near anything that could injure you (which is pretty much everything)

The main one to put a stop to his brothers’ schemes, handing out harsher punishments than before each time they try to involve you. This man is not playing any games with anyone

You know he means well, he was already overprotective from the start, and this is just his way of showing that he cares about you. You can tell every time he gives you that soft look in his eyes, and the regret that he shows every time he catches sight of your bruise. He may not like to be vulnerable, but he couldn’t hide his emotions from you too long. You’re like a weakness to him, one that he isn’t against indulging in

And he hasn’t forgotten about that student, oh no. He made sure to have a nice lengthy chat with them when you both returned to RAD. You didn’t question it when he informed you that the student had been rightfully punished and no longer an issue, and you tried to ignore the red dots splattered on his shoes, or that sadistic gleam in his eyes...

Mammon

This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening-

The blood is pouring from your head, and your eyes are closing too fast for him, and his heart stops

You look lifeless, like when Belphie killed you, when he was too late to save you-

He’ll never forget that image, it’s drilled deep into his mind, forever a reminder of his failure to protect you. And now he failed again-

This demon is gloating about this, and that’s when he snaps

He was already in his demon form and beating the life out of them when he was restrained. Many people were shocked that he was capable of this, that Mammon the scumbag, Mammon the dummy, Mammon the punching bag was capable enough to be this dangerous, this deadly. He’s the second born after all, and he’s the strongest right under Lucifer himself, and he holds a lot in

He could- he would do a lot more because they deserve it, but just seeing you so still, it snaps him out of it. You’re more important to him than getting his anger out, and you’re the one he needs to be focusing on right now. But rest asssured, this isn’t over

You thought he was attached to you before? He is glued to your side 24/7 and will not be leaving anytime soon. Ever since you woke up he never let go of you, calling you “his human” and just hugging you tight

Also if you have to go down the stairs you guys are FLYING no exceptions! The stairs are the devil in his eyes (how ironic) and he will not be risking anything with you

If you guys aren’t out and about under his careful and watchful eye (and I mean very careful, he’s like your very own bodyguard but with a lot more growling and snapping on strangers than usual), then you’re in his room doing whatever. Watching movies, playing cards and somehow beating him every time (he swears that he isn’t letting you win! Lies), whatever you wanna do. As long as you’re with him, giggling and safe, he’s happy and stress free

You mean so much to Mammon MC, he can’t even tell you if he tries. Under his tsundere traits, he really loves you, like really loves you! He’s just so scared of being rejected and losing you a second time. But now that he knows you’ll always be there for him, he’s going to do the same for you (but he already was even if you didn’t like him) He hates looking at that bruise right now, but it’s set as a reminder to not let something happen to you again

Also, another thing that people forget about Mammon is that he can talk to crows. So it wasn’t much to have them track down the person who caused you pain, and it didn’t take long for him to find them either. He thinks that the aftermath will set a good lesson for everyone else who continues to underestimate him when it comes to you: don’t

Leviathan

See, this is why he never leaves his safe haven AKA his room!

After he saw your head hit the ground hard, he was freaking out. He doesn’t know what to do, he wasn’t prepared for this! He tried shaking you to keep you awake, but your eyes were steady closing

Everything is happening in slow motion. You’re slumped over on the ground while the person who did it is laughing at him

If anything, the person who did it should be the one on the ground, not you, not his Henry. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair!

The demon stopped laughing when their windpipe was getting crushed by the second. They couldn’t even try to loosen the grip, Levi’s tail is rather strong, and so is he. He is the third strongest out of his family and the Grand Admiral of the Navy, yet people tend to forget that

Everyone knows how bad Levi’s tantrums can be, but this isn’t just a tantrum, it’s much worse. Had the brothers not intervene, he would have done much worse than summoning Lotan (which he was on the brink of doing anyway)

When you did wake up, he was so upset. Of course he let this happen, he’s just a worthless otaku who couldn’t even keep his crush safe-

OMG why are you hugging him and patting his head?! Quit it- well wait, this does feel kinda nice...Ugh you’re such a normie! Getting hurt so easily and still trying to put a smile on his face. But it does make him feel better

He rarely left his room before, and you guys are definitely not leaving it now. It’s like having a sleepover, but it never ends. That sounds great, right MC? Endless marathons of TSL and other anime, co-op video games, trying on his cosplay outfits that he made (some even made just for you and he needs to cover that bruise somehow), it’s going to be so fun and you’ll be safe with him! Who wouldn’t want that??

We all know that Levi is very self conscious. He knows that he isn’t confident like Lucifer and Mammon, or attractive like Asmo, or smart like Satan or Belphie, or physically fit like Beel, he knows. But every time you listen to him ramble on about this new anime show that he wants you guys to binge, or when he rants about a stupid move his teammate did in an online match, he feels valued. He feels loved. And while it’s hard for him to express his feelings, it’s no doubt in his mind that you’re important to him, and that he’s beyond happy that someone like you is his best friend

One day he’ll get the courage to say those three words, but he hopes that you already know with everything that he does for you

For example, Levi is an aquatic demon, and he has the ability to communicate with all types of sea creatures. Granted, he knows right from wrong, but in his eyes he’s taking care of the problem. So it wouldn’t be a huge issue if he used them to clean up the remaining mess of said problem, right? I mean, his venom can only do so much, and he doesn’t need anyone questioning him, and Lotan does get hungry...

Satan

He could only see red. Both from his anger surfacing and from the fact that you’re bleeding

He had his claws wrapped around the neck of the one responsible before they could even think about running. This- this filth dared tried to escape after he hurt you? And they thought that Satan would just let them get away with it?

They must forget that he’s the Avatar of Wrath, the one who doesn’t show mercy

He just kept pounding the demon into the ground, over and over and over and over. He didn’t even care about the blood splatter it was leaving on the lockers or on him

He was this close to finishing them off when he heard you call out for him, and it took everything in him to drop them. He squeezed their neck a final time, not even close to being satisfied with the whimper he heard, and growled out a promise of that he will find them and will make sure that they suffer before he threw them down. They better count themselves lucky that they get to crawl away in one piece (for now), because had you not been there-

Oh, he is seething the more he thinks about it

But you bleeding is a distraction from it, even if it is making his stomach turn, it’s helping him know that he needs to help you now

He didn’t have to let his brothers know as they came to see what the commotion was, and Lucifer (even if he didn’t want to believe it himself) was anxious that he was the cause of it. But after he saw the hold he had on you and another demon barely clinging onto life, he knew otherwise

It was decided that you two going home would be the best course of action (which it didn’t matter to Satan, you both weren’t going to stay here whether it was demanded or not), and he calmed down enough to properly treat you

You didn’t leave his room for the rest of the day, and he even gave up his bed for you to lie in so that he can do some research. The human body is a complicated thing, but Satan can learn it like the back of his hand just for you. So just go ahead and rest for now MC- or maybe not, you might have a concussion according to this book and if you do he needs to monitor your condition!

Even after you were healed, he didn’t let you out of his sight and daily checkups were a must. Dr. Satan is in the building!

You eventually moved back into your room (you would have stayed longer but he’s a little nervous with his towering stacks of books and doesn’t want anymore accidents), but he practically moved in with you with how much he comes over, either falling asleep at your desk reading a book or falling asleep in your chair right next to your bed

Very reluctant to have you around stairs, it makes the hairs on his neck stand up. He’ll let you go down the stairs ONLY if you’re holding his hand. If you’re upset with those conditions (spoiler alert you’re not), then you better be ready to learn some teleportation spells (but even then he’s still not leaving your side)

He doesn’t hold his temper back with the others when it comes to you for the time being. If he even senses that Mammon, Asmo, or Levi is coming to you with something that can cause trouble, he’s growling at them to leave you alone, horns slowly coming out and tail whipping furiously

However, he tries not to lash out in front of you. He realizes that he lost control with that demon, and how it could have terrified you had you been fully conscious, but he doesn’t want you to think that he’s just a monster. He wants you to continue to treat him like you do now, and not have the image of bashing someone’s bloody body on the floor repeatedly

Speaking of bashing someone, Satan made well on his promise of coming back. The demon thought that avoiding coming back to school would save them, but Satan is a genius, and has many associates that he can sweet talk to get what he wants. It didn’t take much to figure out where they went, and he made sure to get out all of his pent-up frustrations from that fateful day. He felt better when he came home, but he needed to take a shower before he went to see you...

Besides from that, he does appreciate the peace that you do bring him. You just have this aura around you that’s so calming to him, and he needs to steal you away more he realizes

Also you make better cat-themed desserts than the cafe and he can’t risk Beel eating them all again

Asmodeus

He’s shook, and not in the good way

He just had your hand in his, complaining about how you cuticles look so good and his is lacking and how guys have to go to the nail salon after class, and then your hand is jerked from his, your form at the bottom of the stairs

The blood staining your uniform is alarming, but he can’t worry about that now. He’s trying to keep you talking, but you’re already on the verge of passing out

“MC, you can’t sleep yet! We have plans to go to the nail salon remember? And I need you awake so we can talk about what matching color we’re getting! So what color should we get now, MC? MC? MC!”

He’s trying to keep himself from panicking, but he can’t help it! You’re suppose to be smiling and laughing with you, loving him, but you’re unconscious on the ground, and he’s scared

Quickly dials Lucifer and tells him the whole situation, and he’s surprised to find himself blinking back tears

The demon who did this is long gone by the time Lucifer and Diavolo come, but he remembers the face, and he has something exciting planned when he comes face to face with them

Obviously you have to go home, but Asmo is so distraught that he has to go home with you. But when you wake up, prepare to be tackled to the bed with him crying his eyes out. All you can do is try to comfort him and tell him that okay, giving him little kisses on his cheek

But now that the sadness is out of the way (all this crying and worrying is causing him stress wrinkles), it’s time for a makeover/stress relief!

Fashion shows, makeovers, painting nails, face masks, the whole nine yards. All in the comfort of his dazzling room!

It’ll make you both feel and look better, and honestly you two need that right now. It also gives him the opportunity to cover that unappealing bruise. Your beauty outshines it but it’ll be best to cover it up for your and his sake (mainly his)

Every time Asmo sees your bruise, he gets upset and he’s tired of being reminded of what happened. He knows that he’s only loved for his looks, his vanity, but you see more in him than that

You’re...you’re the first person that loves him for him entirely, not because of his features. And when he tells you that he loves you, he honestly means it. He would have never thought he would fall so deep for someone, let alone a human, but...he’s glad that it’s you. He’s happy that it’s you

Which is why he wants to keep you safe and injury-free. Plus, your skin is too pretty and doll-like to be roughed up!

You guys still go out of course, he just has a better eye on you now. This one incident isn’t going to hold him back for picking out new cute outfits for you!

And don’t think he forgot about that demon who caused all of this in the first place. He actually waited by their locker, and convinced them to come with him. But what should Asmo do with them? He could always have them steal Beel’s food, annoy Lucifer, say something horrible about Ruri-Chan, the possibilities are endless! As long as they don’t cause him to get dirty, of course

Or maybe they should do something so severe that they have no reason than to leave RAD forever, or even leave the Devildom forever, depending on how far he’s willing to take it. He’ll do anything if it means you’re safe and he gets to keep you all to himself

Beelzebub

He thought it was an accident at first, you get so excited about things that you stumble over your own feet sometimes, but he’s always there to catch you or pick you up

You keep saying that you’re okay as he’s holding onto you, and after he sits you up he’s confused because he smells blood. His heart is beating a little quicker, and you’re not talking anymore, and your head is drooping, and that’s when he sees the blood running down the side of your face

He’s starting to panic, and he’s so scared that if he tightens his hold against you he’ll just make things worse, that he’ll just hurt you more. But he needs to go find Lucifer, he needs to get you help, you’re feeling so light in his arms and it reminds him of the Celestial War when he witnessed his sister dying-

He hears someone snickering behind him, and that’s when he loses his temper

You’re a part of his family now, someone that he loves and cares for more than he can describe, and they did this to you? Someone who wouldn’t even squish a bug, someone who made him late night snacks without even asking, always there to give him hugs after his games no matter how sweaty, someone that put his family back together and they did this to you?

Lucifer and Mammon struggled to hold him back after they found the demon flung through the wall, laying under the rubble. Beel just kept growling, fangs bared and wings buzzing. He won’t stop trying to get out of their hold, and he keeps inching closer and closer to the demon, and it’s only a matter of time before he finishes what he started

You were already in the infirmary getting treated, and Beel isn’t calming down anytime soon so you were both escorted home

You woke up to Beel upset and pouting. He’s so worried about you that he couldn’t even eat. Beelzebub could not eat, that’s how you knew this was a something serious

Poor Beel was so terrified of hurting you himself that he failed to protect you from the people that do want to hurt you, or worse

But this won’t happen again, he swears, both to you and himself. Move over Mammon, Beel is officially your new bodyguard!

Wherever you go, Beel is right behind you, literally. He’s like your shadow, just bigger and a lot more...menacing. Also isn’t taking any chances with Mammon’s schemes, just carrying you away before he can even open his mouth about another get rich quick plan

Speaking of carrying, you are not allowed to walk down the stairs anymore. As soon as you step near some you find yourself in his arms like it’s nothing. Both at home and at school, it doesn’t matter to him

Also he’s very cautious to have you around people besides his brothers, and the exchange students (but he’s still hesitant about Solomon, anyone who can cook food like him is automatically getting the side eye)

Also you practically moved in with the twins, and it’s nothing compared to the sleepovers before. Belphie sleeps easier, Beel’s stomach is satisfied (eating your homemade sweets with you is better than everything combined at Hell’s Kitchen, and trust me he knows) he feels all warm inside, and you’re protected. Everyone’s happy!

Beel is a sweet guy, just don’t come in between his family or his food. After that whole incident with the demon, everyone has come to understand that, especially after seeing just how much damage he caused both to the demon and the school in so little time...

Belphegor

If he was sleepy before, he’s completely awake now

You’re holding the side of your head, and he can see the blood seeping through your fingers, groaning in pain. You keep trying to say that you’re okay, but your words are starting to slur and he’s getting nervous, he’s getting scared

It’s reminding him too much of his worst mistake, of what he did to you, when he murdered-

No. He doesn’t need to be thinking about that right now, especially when the person who did this is bragging about it while your body is slumped over. Right there, he knows what exactly needs to be done

Belphie was already in front of them before they even registered it, and didn’t give him any time to form an excuse. His claws were already at their throat, inching deeper and deeper the more they swallowed

“I should just slit your throat now, it’ll be easy and not a lot of work. But you deserve much worse than that. You’ll wish I did by the end of this.”

After a tap to the demon’s forehead, they just collapsed before him, unmoving. He didn’t even look down when he stepped over them (or rather stepped on them) to get to you. You’re passed out, but still breathing. You can’t stay here like this, and he refuses to tell Diavolo or Lucifer. He’ll figure something out, maybe Satan has some books in his room on what to do...

When you woke up, you found yourself wrapped in blankets and Belphie sleeping beside you, arms wrapped tight. You were confused, when did you get home? You remember walking with him down the stairs, but everything was blurry after that. What happen-

“You’re always thinking so hard MC, you’ll never be able to get good rest if you keep that up. But Satan did say to check on you every couple of hours, so I guess it’s fine. And quit touching your head!”

“Oh, sorry Belphie, I didn’t mean to-”

“Tch, how annoying...”

But he’s lying. Even as he’s carefully re-wrapping the bandages, he’s relieved that you’re awake, that your eyes are still full of life, not like the dullness that he saw that fateful night

When Lucifer finds you he is not happy with Belphie, but he doesn’t care and tells him that everything is already under control and that he isn’t needed. Belphie didn’t miss the scowl that he sent his way, but he just smirked in response. You didn’t need Lucifer as Belphie is already taking care of you, as it should be

You know how he always carries around his favorite pillow? Yeah he’s doing that with you basically, minus the carrying. You’re practically attached to his side, wherever he goes you’re either right there with him or in his room, which is mainly just you two lazing around or sleeping (as usual)

Honestly, the only demons who he’s okay with disturbing you two is Beel and maybe Satan. Beel because that’s his twin and it’s his room too, and Satan only if he’s checking on you medically or if he has some new ideas to mess with Lucifer. Everyone else is just trying to bother you and be annoying, and you don’t need that

Of course he blames himself for this! How is he suppose to keep you safe, to make up for his mistake? But then it clicks

It’s not the fact that he’s weak, people think that he’s weak. But he realizes that this is fine, he’ll use that to his advantage.

Diavolo is upset and Lucifer is running out of excuses for him, but Belphie just plays stupid and says he can’t remember how to remove it (even though he does). Let the demon lose some more sleep until they learn their lesson, whether it’s from the constant nightmares or from sleep deprivation trying to stay awake to avoid said nightmares. He’ll remove it when he feels like it, and he doesn’t see that happening anytime soon

Let people think the Avatar of Sloth is weak, that he’s not a threat, and he can show them exactly how wrong they are. Better yet, this demon can be the perfect example, and many more if they become a bother to you (and him)

You’re too nice MC, too delicate. You treat him so good, like he’s not a demon, like he’s not the monster who took your life, and he has to thank you for that somehow. He feels like whatever he does won’t be enough for the kindness you give him, but protecting you from others who used to be like him could be a good start

Also now he can hog all of your head pats and cuddles for himself, and he doesn’t feel bad at all. Everyone else had their time with you when he was locked up, so he’s finally got the opportunity to be selfish

Diavolo

First of all...this demon is dumb enough to harm you in front of him??? The Demon LORD???? The FUTURE KING OF HELL??!

They have more than just a death wish

It all happened so quick, he just crossed paths with you in the hallways and started to ask about your day (and maybe invite you for a small tea date after school) but he didn’t even get the chance to open his mouth

One second he saw your eyes light up and hand extended to excitedly wave, then he saw your fragile form tumbling down the stairs

Barbatos was soon called to his side as Diavolo saw the red coating his palms and you barely staying conscious, trying to say that you’re okay and not to worry

See...he feared that this would be a problem. While Diavolo is a very kind and understanding ruler, there are still some demons out there who think he’s too lenient, too soft. But that’s where people are mistaken. Diavolo is kind, but do not mistake his kindness for weakness

He felt his anger rising, his demeanor starting to crack, but he set aside his emotions. You’re his first priority, and he needs to make sure that you’re okay! He’s still a ruler, and you’re his responsibility (and first love)

However, he made sure that Barbatos took the demon who did this and kept them in the dungeon until he was done treating you. He won’t let this go unpunished, he can’t and he won’t

You’re an important part of the exchange program, and you’re most important to him, and he’s upset with himself that you got hurt. You’re so delicate, and you don’t deserve any of this happening to you, but what can he do? While he trusts the brothers to keep you safe, he wants to keep an eye on you personally, but how?

Then it struck him

You liked to stay in the castle, always smiling and having fun whenever you spent time with him there, so why not relocate you there?? It’ll be like an extended sleepover/retreat with just you two!! You guys can do all of your favorite activities and won’t have to worry about going home because you won’t have to leave!! Why didn’t he think of this sooner?!

The brothers are very upset with this incident, and even more so when he announced this. Diavolo decided that your condition needed to be monitored closely, and since he’s the person directly in charge of the exchange program AND the ruler over the Devildom, there was no room to argue. You weren’t going to stay in the castle forever, just until he deemed it right to return to the HoL

Which would be...some time soon, maybe. He’s not really worried about that now, his number 1 concern is you after all!

You’re getting the royal treatment, literally. This is the chance that he gets to pamper you without interruptions and he is not wasting it!

You kept trying to convince him that you’re fine, but he wasn’t hearing any of it, especially after he sees the nasty bruise that was left. “MC, please! You still need to rest. How about I have Barbatos bring us some tea to help, and we can even have the royal staff bring us some outfits of your choosing if you like? Oo, we can even have our portrait painted!”

“Dia, I promise that I’m fine, you have more things to worry about than me-”

“Nonsense, MC. You’re what’s important to me, now and always. Don’t ever forget that.”

Even finished it with a hand kiss, UGH he really is a Prince Charming

Once you did return to RAD bruise free, Diavolo, being the gentleman that he is, walked with you everywhere in the beginning. Coming into the building, walking to class, lunch, even to the student council meeting, he was by your side. But he couldn’t avoid his duties forever (unfortunately), but he always made up for lost time afterwards

You never realized that when he wasn’t with you, someone else always was. Whether it be Lucifer who miraculously had spare time, or Barbatos who decided to escort you back to the castle to try a new recipe for his Lord, it was always one of them that stayed with you

Also, it never dawned on you why people were starting to be so nice to you. You thought it was because of what happened, not paying attention to how tense they would get, the fear in their eyes. You did notice that the demon who caused your fall never came back to class, and their desk is starting to collect dust...

When you did ask Diavolo about it, he just pat your head and said that what happened was unacceptable and that the demon has been dealt with accordingly.

You don’t need to hear about what really happened to them, he doesn’t want to scare you or taint your innocence! But he doesn’t mind if anyone else hears it, he’ll be more than happy to explain in full detail what happened and what will happen to demons that even think about attempting to harm you or think that he’s “too soft”. They won’t think he’s a soft ruler after that

Diavolo is a very sweet man, one that treats you as if you’re ruling by his side as his partner and one that you never have to be scared of, but even you didn’t miss the deadly glint in his eyes whenever he spoke about that demon...

But enough about that, he wants to try that new recipe that you made just for him!

He enjoys the time that he gets to spend with you, and after this, you’ll be in his company a lot more. He can’t risk having this happen again to his love- I MEAN favorite exchange student right?

#obey me x reader #obey me reader insert #obey me #obey me swd #obey me lucifer x reader #obey me mammon x reader #obey me levi x reader #obey me leviathan x reader #obey me satan x reader #obey me asmodeus x reader #obey me asmo x reader #obey me beelzebub x reader #obey me beel x reader #obey me belphegor x reader #obey me belphie x reader #obey me diavolo x reader

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bellisperennis0 · 3 years

Text

New Hope

Word Count: 2,505

Warning(s): Heartbreak, few swear words, did I mention heartbreak, Spoiler to Season 3 Episode 8, possible happy ending

Notes: Loved this request when I got, just sorry it took me a lifetime to finally get to. Based off this fic - Beautiful Storm. As always, thank you for reading and hope you enjoy! ❤️ GIF credit to angels-reyes

rkil98 asked: I love your imagines! Your so talented! I just wanted to make request for a imagine that goes with a “a beautiful storm”. It’s the night Angel showed up on her doorstep and she told him she was pregnant and maybe the morning after? I think it would be so dope seeing the ways he made it up to her and proved he was all in. You don’t have to if you don’t want to but if you do I’ll love you forever! ❤️

Blowing out the last candle on the dinner table, you take one last look around the tiny home you shared with Angel for the past few years.

This was the last straw for you; you were done fighting for someone who wouldn’t even fight for you. You were tired of the lonely nights of crying yourself to sleep. Tired of coming last in his world.

Making one last sweep of the bedroom to make sure you had everything you needed; you freeze when you hear the front door open and close, praying it was just EZ and not Angel.

When you hear Angel call your name, you knew from his tone he wasn’t all that pleased. “Fuck” you breathe out and make your way back out to the living room.

“The fuck is all this!” he yells as he points to your bags sitting by the front door.

Crossing your arms across your chest, you lean against the door frame. “Do you know how many times you have promised me you would be home for dinner?” you ask him “I promise you querida, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Leaving the Clubhouse now. Be there in just a few minutes.” you tell him as you do your best to mimic his voice.

His eyes go from you towards the kitchen. His head dropping when he sees the candles and the plates of food, yet again, sitting on top of the table, long forgotten.

“Save the bullshit excuse, Angel. I’m honestly tired of you constantly breaking my heart.” you tell him as you sniffle.

His head shooting up when he realizes you were crying.

“Bab-“ he tries to say as he tries to take a step closer to you, but your hand going up stops him.

“We aren’t happy Angel. We haven’t been for months now. I think its best if we take a break from each other for a while.” you start. “We both have things we need to work on individually before we could work on this relationship.” you continued.

“So that’s it? You’re making this decision for the both of us? I have no say?” Angel says and you can tell he was trying to control his anger.

You furrow your brows. “Angel, you made that decision a long time ago when you repeatedly chose the club and the rebels over me, over us. I used to be your number one priority, now I don’t even know where I stand in your world.”

“We can work this out, querida.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do with all these dinners and movie nights I plan? If you would actually show up instead of being over the border with Adelita, you would know that.” you shout, your emotions and frustration growing.

Angel sighs in frustration and he pinches the bridge of his nose, “I’m not going to just stand here and let you walk out that door.”

“You don’t have a choice, Angel. It’s now or when you’re gone.”

“No, [y/n]!!” his gruff voice yells. You step back in surprise at his sudden outburst. Sure you and Angel had your fair share of arguments, but he has never raised his voice in such a manner before.

Throwing his hands up, “I’m sorry.” he whispers as he tries to step forward, but stops when you take another step back.

“I can’t do this anymore, Angel. I just need some time to think about everything going on. Some time away.”

“Time away. From me?” he asks and you could hear the hurt in his voice.

“Not just you. From the MC. This relationship. Having to act like I’m happy all the time. I need to find myself again.” you tell him, fighting the tears.

He just stands there nodding.

“I love you, Angel, more than anything in this world, but I can’t stand on the sidelines of your life anymore. Once you figure everything out with the MC, with Adelita and the cartel, and then maybe you can figure out what it is you really want.” You tell him.

“But I want you, querida. A life with you.”

“Your actions say otherwise. I need to step away for us, from you, and I need you to allow me to do this, for the both of us.”

“I can’t. I can’t just let you walk out that door, [y/n].” he whispers.

Walking up to him, you place a hand on his chest and a soft kiss to his lips, “I love you.” you whisper before walking to get your bags by the door.

“This isn’t goodbye, Angel. I’ll see you soon.” you tell him and wait for him to nod his understanding before making your way out the door.

----

Now you find yourself sitting in the middle of your bedroom floor, wiping away the tears that stream down your cheeks as you stare down at the piece of paper and the countless sticks sitting in front of you.

A routine doctor’s appointment earlier in the day came with a surprise that flipped your world upside down.

“You’re pregnant.” you could hear the doctor’s voice as the moment replayed in your head.

Even with a sonogram in your hand, you were convinced that it was all a fluke - a sick joke from the universe - and stopped and grab some pregnancy tests on your way home. Now all eight tests sit in front of you with two pink lines or ‘pregnant’ on its screen, alongside your sonogram.

You didn’t know how you were going to tell Angel. It had been three months since you left and contact with him had been non-existent the last couple months.

This was something you and Angel had extensively talked about in the past, all before the MC and the L.O took top priority. The one person you wanted to tell the most hasn’t been answering your calls or messages, and it wouldn’t be fair to him to tell Pop or EZ first. So looks like you’ll have to keep this your little secret till you could finally tell Angel.

----

After a long day at work and constantly feeling sick, you were lying in bed with a long forgotten program playing in the background as you aimlessly scroll through videos on your phone. You could make out a faint knock through the low noise coming from the TV.

You furrow your brows as you prop yourself up on your elbows, closely listening to see if there was another knock or if you were just hearing things.

Then you could hear another knock - louder this time. A brief pause later, you could make out the faint voice of Angel. Quickly tossing off the blankets, you make your way down the hall to the door.

Flinging open the door, you find Angel standing there. You could tell he was drunk, but the tears streaming down his face had you instantly worried.

“What happened? What’s wrong Angel?” you ask as you step closer to try to console him, but he pushes past you and barges right into your home.

“She lied to me,” you could hear him say as you close the door behind you. Turning to find Angel pacing your living room floor.

“She fucking used me.” he says, his tone turning into anger.

You automatically knew who he was talking about, but you didn’t know the contents of what he was referring to.

“What are you talking about, Angel?” you ask in confusion. A part of you wanted to know what had happened so you could help him through it, but the other part of you was too scared of what he might tell you.

He finally stops pacing the room and looks up at you. He takes a deep breath before taking a seat, his head in his hands.

“The night you left, I was so upset that I needed someone, anyone, to talk to that hadn’t walked out on me already. I went to see her.” he tells you as he finally lifts his head to look at you.

“I didn’t go to see her to intentionally hurt you, but one thing led to another. Come to find out a few weeks later she tells me she’s pregnant....” he stops when you quickly make your way to the kitchen, emptying what little contents of your stomach into the kitchen sink.

“Shit querida. You all right?” Angel was quick to be by your side. Pulling your hair back and rubbing your back soothingly as you continued to vomit into the kitchen sink. You didn’t know if you were sick because of your pregnancy or if it was the gut punch Angel just gave you with dropping such news on you out of nowhere.

After a couple minutes, you were feeling slightly better.

“Here.” Angel hands you a bottle of water as you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Thank you.” you whisper taking a swig of water and sloshing it in your mouth before spitting it in into the sink. “Sorry.” you tell him finally looking up at him.

“You okay?” he asks and you could hear and see the concern

You just nod your head, making your way back out to the living room; Angel following right behind you. The both of you sit in silence for what felt like eternity, fidgeting with your hands in your lap, unsure of what to say.

“The baby isn’t even mine.” you hear Angel barely whisper, your head shooting up when you realize he was crying again.

“Angel, I’m...” you tried but Angel shaking his head stops you from continuing.

He aggressively wiped the tears from his face as he sniffled. “Don’t apologize, querida. This is my karma for all the shit I have done and all the pain I have caused.”

“Angel, no one deserves to lose a child.”

“Here I was the fucking idiot that I am, hopeful that something in this fucked up life of mine was actually going right. Getting a life I thought I lost the day you walked out that door. As fucking scared as I was at the thought of fucking everything up, this was something I wanted.” he was now up pacing the room once again, tears streaming down his face as he went on. You sat there watching him, as you did your best to hold your tears at bay, allowing him to release all that pent up emotion.

“Only for it all to be ripped away from me in a blink of an eye. All just to fuck over the MC and get intel on Galindo. Used me as one of her fucking puppets.” he huffed as he finally took a seat, head in his hands as he tried to compose himself.

You just sat there taking everything Angel had just told you in. That explains why he hadn’t been answering your calls the last couple months. Your heart ached for how hurt and shattered Angel was, but a part of you couldn’t help but be selfishly relieved that he wasn’t having a child with Adelita.

“The entire time I couldn’t help but wish that she was you, and you were the one carrying our child. Guess that’s all just a far fetch dream now.”

“Angel...” you tried.

“No, querida. The night you decided to walk out, I was furious at you, I really was. Then I realized that it was my entire fault. I was the one that pushed you away. I made a promise to you that no matter what, you would always come first and I put the MC, the Rebels, even the fuckin cartel before you. All this shit is on me. Everything. Before I could get control of all that was going on, everything just exploded in my face. I didn’t want this for us, and for that I am really sorry, querida.”

Without saying a word you got up and went and walked over to your bag you knew was sitting on the dining table, pulling out that piece of paper you have been carrying around for the past few weeks. Angel sat there, brows furrowed, as he watched you move around the small space.

“I’ve been practicing how I was going to tell you and this wasn’t how it played out in my head, but you need to know.” you tell him as the tears begin to stream down your face.

You look down at the piece of paper in your hands before placing it on top of the coffee table in front of Angel.

He looks at it and then back up to you, finally looking back at the paper, picking it up.

You turned your back to Angel as you tried to control your emotions, unsure how he was going to react to this news.

“Are you being serious [y/n]?” you hear Angel whisper behind you. You just chuckle as you wipe the tears from your face.

“[y/n], is this real?” Angel asks again.

You nod your head, sniffling, and turn to look up at Angel as he slowly approaches you.

“A baby?” he asks

“Yeah.” you whisper giving him a small smile.

“A baby?” Angel repeats again with a smile and a look of pure admiration.

“Our baby, Angel.” you tell him with a small chuckle

Angel sniffles as he cups your face in his hands, “Our baby” he whispers and you just smile up at him, hand softly cupping his face, thumb wiping the tears from his cheek.

Angel places a kiss to your forehead, his hand on the back of your head pulling you into him. He places another kiss to the side of your head as you wrap your arms around his middle, resting your head on his chest.

“Our baby.” you softly chuckle as you hear Angel repeating the words again.

Angel pulls away slightly, with his thumb and index finger he lifts your chin so you were looking up at him, “Imma do it right this time, I promise you querida. I know I have a lot of making up to do and I will go to the end of the earth for you. This is my all. You and our baby is all I need.” he tells you.

“We still have a lot to work on, but I know we can get through this together. As long as I have you by my side from here on out, that’s all that matters to me. I love you, Angel.” you pull him down to you and softly place a kiss to his lips.

“I love you, mi dulce.” he gives you a smile.

From that day forward, Angel was there every step of the way. Sure there were bumps along the way, but you and Angel always managed to work through them, making your relationship that much stronger.

And the day your little princess was born, changed yours and Angel’s life for the better. Bringing new beginnings and new hopes.

--xx

Taglist: (Let me know if you would like to be added/taken off)

@sesamepancakes

@yourwonkywriter

@mijop

@mayans-sauce

@encounterthepast

@queenbeered

@chibsytelford

@alienstardust

#Angel Reyes #Angel Reyes x Reader #Angel Reyes Imagine #mayans mc imagine #Mayans MC x Reader #Mayans MC

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help-i-need-a-cool-username · 3 years

Text

Day 10: Ship Day (OTP)

Atlesian Malamutes

So I was trying to draw a drawing for every ship day (as a personal challenge) and i ended up not making the 1st day and right now the 2nd day is very bad sketches. So instead here's a list of future/married headcanons i wrote a long time ago for my current RWBY OTP: Winter x Marrow

BOTH

Mixed Atlas ring tradition with faunus armband tradition, and got non-matching rings in each other’s color (Marrow wears Winter’s color, ice blue; Winter wears Marrow’s color, blue-green/teal). This is a growing trend in Mantle.

Neither are big on PDA. Marrow will put his arm around her and she’ll lean in. Winter will grab and link his arm sometimes when they walk, which means she really likes him right now. Sometimes they’ll hold hands.

They don’t kiss that often but Marrow will kiss Winter’s cheek sometimes (usually as a greeting or a goodbye, not often in public) and Winter will get a little smile on her face, most of the time she blushes. Sometimes he’ll stay a couple seconds longer and sniff her hair, which she responds to by putting her hand on his face and shoving him away (he’s laughing). Winter hardly ever kisses Marrow. If he’s sitting down and she comes up behind him and puts her arms around his shoulders, she’ll usually kiss the top of his head.

Getting together in the first place was a huge scandal for Winter’s parents. A Schnee dating/eloped with a faunus?! Also there was a lot of military paperwork to go through so they didn’t break fraternization rules.

Winter’s parents were not happy when they heard the news, but they did not disown her. They even tried to control the press so they could put a more positive spin on it (AKA attempt to save some Schnee reputation), making it sound more like a publicity stunt.

They do not attend any Schnee functions. They do not want to lose a whole day being miserable and being asked/overhearing insensitive questions about how their relationship works. The few they attend are usually because its being thrown for Weiss or Whitley, and Winter does want to support them occasionally when its actually something big.

They have a lot of inside jokes and watch stupid youtube videos together

Neither of them are really tactile people, but Marrow’s tail always wags when Winter plays with his hair. They subconsciously created a routine where Marrow will put his head in her lap when they’re on the couch and she’ll run her fingers through his hair. Most other touching occurs on the arms and back, and they do like to lean into each other in a side-hug type thing but it doesn’t happen all the time.

Marrow is the only person Winter lets hold her when she’s upset. She still doesn’t like him to see it but she lets him. She used to lock him out and it frustrated him.

They ended up sticking to more classic petnames, “honey” and “sweetheart”. “Babe” was in the mix for a little bit but it didn’t last long.

If they had kids it would be a boy/two boys. According to RWBY genetics he/they would both be dog faunus.

MARROW

Is the Fun Guy Husband married to the Emotionless Badass Wife. A lot of people don’t understand their relationship and it upsets him.

He managed to injure his hip, and whenever it hurts again he has to put up with “old man” jokes.

Tells Winter a lot of bad jokes and she loves them, he can see her fighting not to smile and when they’re touching he can feel her silent laughter. Most people can’t tell, and think his jokes fall flat and don’t understand how he hasn’t given up on that yet. The most anyone who does know Winter will get is if she snorts, which is practically actual laughter for her, but people who don’t know her will interpret it as a “please stop”.

Winter has come home to find him sitting in the dark and wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night to him moving around in pitch blackness. He forgets he can see in the dark sometimes (when it’s a gradual progression of light).

Occasionally Marrow will come up behind Winter, put his arms around her, lean his head down, and then take a big loud breath in to smell either her hair or her neck. She always pushes him away but sometimes she actually giggles. She has her own version of this, where instead of sniffing she just blows a raspberry into his neck. He thinks that’s legitimately gross but Winter grew up with siblings so its just another tactic in the Annoying Arsenal for her.

Marrow is not above chasing Winter around with whatever bug he found in the house she asked him to kill.

WINTER

Maintained damage from her battle with Cinder, worsened by her continuous movement afterward and her fights with Ironwood. She has limitations she was angry with at first, but over the years she’s learned how to ask for help.

She can’t carry a lot of weight. Her and Marrow have developed a routine where he picks her stuff up for her without her asking, and it just looks like a husband carrying his wife’s bags. It used to make her angry when Marrow did that without him asking or her asking, but now she appreciates it. This way it doesn’t make Winter look “weak”, and she feels a little bit of love every time he does it without her asking (which is almost every time).

When it gets cold or rains her body will hurt, and so does Marrow’s. Her and Marrow are considering moving to a warmer location because of this.

She still works for the military(?) but isn’t on active duty.

She finds Marrow really funny, but most people can’t tell that she does. He’s learned to read her micro-expressions.

She’s much more relaxed now. Winter had it ingrained into her from a young age to always look good, put together, and wear nice (mostly uncomfortable) clothes. You’ll now often find her with her hair in a ponytail (instead of her bun) and slightly less nice clothes. She even gives small smiles sometimes.

She got into wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts while at the Academy. She still wears them now (and Marrow’s old sweatshirt to bed in the winter) but only around the house. If her parents knew they would be ashamed.

If Winter hears you disrespecting her husband while he’s not around to stop her she will come after you. She is very good at the “what did you say. No, no, I wanna hear it” intimidation thing.

Winter can, will, and has fallen asleep on the couch right after sitting down. She’s the napping dad in this marriage.

Marrow’s sense of smell is much stronger than hers, so she went through this process of learning to remember to buy certain things with this specific smell or to look for the no scent options. She does it automatically now. She eventually threw out all her perfumes.

#rwbymarch22 #hinacu au #rwby #atlesian malamutes #winter schnee #marrow amin #idk how to do specific colors :(#the wedding traditions are just fandom speculation btw #future au #married au #this started as a crack fake relationship idea and now were here 😂

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champion-prism · 4 years

Text

Fluff Alphabet- Kirishima Eijiro

Anon requested Kiri headcanons and I procrastinated so much, here’s a whole alphabet to make up for it :)

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Being manly together is his favourite ting :)

Seriously though, he loves working out with his s/o. Whether you’re big on going to the gym or a total couch potato, he’s going to rope you into coming with him, even if you just want to sit around and stare at his muscles. He also loves soft dates, like the kind where you get ice cream and pick wild flowers and sit on park benches talking.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Your skin- he just loves drawing shapes and patterns on you with his fingers, revelling in how you feel, occasionally peppering soft kisses on you.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Instinctively gets hard. Not in that way, his quirk activates when he sees you upset or crying or heaving. Eijiro is great at being a comforting presence. He might not always know what to say, but he has a determined, optimistic vibe about him and when he tells you he believes in you, you trust him to be truthful.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

He pictures both of you learning and growing together, becoming strong and complementing each others’ strengths. He hasn’t really thought about getting married yet, but he’s taken it as a given that you two are in it for the long run. Stream “the long run” by eagles.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Neither. Eijiro is respectful, respectful enough to be conscious of the fact that he doesn’t want to be domineering, at least. But he’s not one to be pushed over, either. Overall, he’s very respectful.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

This is tricky. He tends to bolt up a bit, retreat into himself and pretend he’s not hurt. He’d like to think he’s as emotionally impervious as he is physically, but it only leads to repression. He will forgive you easily on the spot, but he’ll carry the hurt and resentment until one day he spews it all out.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Quite grateful, and he’s quick to always return the favour, either through getting you food or taking care of you.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

He definitely hides his fears and worries.He doesn’t like being seen as having any sorts of weaknesses.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

You help him become slightly more accepting of his own weaknesses- help him learn not to berate himself too much, help him learn that the conviction to become better is only hurt by self deprecation.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He does get jealous easily. He’s a bit insecure, in some ways, and if he sees someone hitting on you it’s going to rub him in a way he doesn’t quite understand- a cold trickling in the back of his neck, his hands hardening as he tries to catch his breath and try to understand why he’s so upset. He feels guilty about it because he doesn’t want to show mistrust in you, so he bottles it up.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He’s a very gentle kisser. He loves how soft your lips are, melts into your touch. First kiss was awkward, a bit sloppy at first, but he got into the rhythm of it quick.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

He’d be a bit cliche about it, I feel. Ask you on a coffee date, bring you a flower. Walk you home, stand by your door and bite his lip and softly tell you how he’s falling for you, and he hopes you feel the same.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Hasn’t thought about it yet, but when he does, he will want to marry you. He’ll do a dumbass thing and forget to hide the ring properly when he gets it, so you accidentally find a ring box with a handwritten note in his scratchy handwriting you always insist is cute. He’ll be taking a shower before bed while you stand dumbly in your shared bedroom, staring at the note that addresses you by name, telling you how much he loves you and why, and how happy he’d be if you agreed to marry him. He’ll come out of the shower wrapped in a fluffy towel, see the box and note in your hand, and hurriedly begin to explain himself and how he forgot to hide the ring until the proposal, before you shut him up with a “yes”.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He calls you baby shark. Periadt.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He’ll be a bit spacey, blush easily, but be eager to show off. It’s obvious to the people who are close to him that something is up.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Quite upfront. He has nothing to hide- he’s so proud you’re his! Chaste kisses in public, hugging, hand holding, he’s good with it all. He’s not really fond of full making out in public, though he won’t hide any hickies or love bites you give him. It’ll also make him proud if you let your hickies and love bites be on display.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Q u i r k? His quirk is hardening I’d think that’s quite beneficial in a relationship-

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Cliche but he’s very cute about it. He just wants to show you he loves you. Very romantic, the sort of dude who’ll bring you flowers weekly.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

You are just so manly and strong and he believes in you so frigging much. You can do a n y t h i n g. If it’s in his power to do anything to help you achieve your goals, he’ll do it. The more passionate you are about it, the more he gets into it too.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

He doesn’t say no if you want to do something new and fun, but he likes the security of routine. His work life is hectic and quite thrilling as it is.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He makes it a point to carefully store all factual information about you that he happens upon. Emotional understanding takes time, but he’s certainly trying very hard to be as empathetic as he can.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it worth in comparison to other things in their life?

You as a person are very important to him, but the relationship takes a backseat to your ultimate wellbeing and his hero career. If he feels he’s genuinely not good for you, he’ll end things.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Loves kisses on his eyelids and jaw. If you kiss him and tell him he feels soft he’ll lose it. He’s never been told that in his life.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Loves to kiss and cuddle, yas! He loves to tickle, too, so watch out! He’s very open to physical affection, and always has an arm around you in public.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Sends you selfies of himself pouting. Sometimes he’ll write your name on his bicep in marker and send you a video of him flexing it. You’re not sure what it means but it’s cute-

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He’s a hero, so he’ll pretty much sacrifice his life for you. He’s willing to protect you no matter what, and he’s kind of a simp, so he will (within reason) work on any aspects of himself that may be detrimental to your relationship, once brought to your attention.

Requests are open! :D

#bnha #bnha fanfiction #kirishima x y/n #kirishima imagine #kirishima #kirishima eijiro x reader #eijirou x y/n #red riot #red riot x reader #eijiro kirishima x reader #kirishima x reader #bnha x reader #bnha x you #boku no hero fic #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #kirishima headcanons

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chaos-writes-fanfiction · 3 years

Text

I Don’t want to lose you

Pairings: Tanaka × Fem!reader

Warnings: none tiny bit of angst it you look really hard and some friendly cuddles

You sigh deeply as you flop onto one of your best friends bed.

“This sucks” you mumble

“What does?” Tanaka asked

“Being in love with someone who I’ll never feel the same” you said

“Oh this again” he said

“Yes this again” you said

This hasn’t been this first time you’ve had a conversation similar to this with your long time friend. He knows of the person you’re so in love with except of who they actually are. But little does he know you are actually meaning him. That you’ve been in love with him for a while now.

“Why don’t you just confess and tell this person you love them?” He asked

“Its not that easy, this kind of confession can go one of two ways” you said

“Which are?” He asked

“One they feel the same and have the same feelings” you said “or two they dont, they completely reject my feelings and they now feel guilty or it ruins the current standing friendship”

“I didnt think about it that way, if you have a current friendship with them that can make things different” he said

You sit up and sigh tearing your hand through your hair. And start getting up.

“Where you going?” He asked

“I’m not leaving the house, I’m just going to try and talk to Saeko” you said

“good luck” he said smiling a little as he turned on his TV

You walk out of his room and knock on Saekos door.

“Come in” she said

You walk in and immediately climb into her open arms and hug her

“What’s wrong?” She asked rubbing your back

“Hes so stupid” you mumble

“Ryu?” She asked

“Yes” you nod

“Well, hes an idiot, but I know you love him” she said “why dont you go out on a date with someone else?”

“Who?” You asked

“Why not with Sugawara?” She asked

“I mean hes cute, and very caring” you said

“I’ll call him, study date?” She asked

“Sure” you said a slight smile on your lips.

She pulls away and grabs her phone she had abandoned beside her when you walked in. She opened her phone and dialed his number.

“Hey Sugawara, its Saeko” she said you take her phone

“Hey Suag” you said

“Oh hey, what’s up?” He asked

“So I was wondering if you wanted to go to this really cute cafe by the school to have a study date, since midterm exams are coming up?” You asked

“Oh sure, I wouldn’t mind a study date with my favorite manager” he said “isnt that one the one with cats?”

“Yes it is I hope that’s not a issue” you said

“No not at all, tomorrow after school?” He asked

“What about practice?” You asked

“Oh didnt you get the text?” He asked

“What text? I’m in Saekos room I must have left it in the other room” you said

“Oh coach sent out a text we aren’t having practice because exams are coming up” he said

“Oh yes then tomorrow after school” you said

“Great, I’ll pick you up from your class” he said

“I’ll see you then, bye Suga” you said

“Bye” he said

You hang up and give Saeko her phone back. She hugged you tightly

“Yay I’m happy for you!” She yelled

“I’m surprised he said yes” you said

“Why?” She asked “you’re so freaking cute, sweet, and caring. Why wouldn’t he say yes?”

“I guess I should’ve known better than try to compete with Kiyoko for Ryu’s attention” you sighed deeply

“Stop that” she scolded you “my brother is an idiot for not noticing you like that, who know you going out with Suga tomorrow might make him notice you that way”

You shrugged a little bit and look at the time.

“Its getting late I should get home” you said

“You can stay if you want” she offered “go to school with Ryu?”

“Fine, I’ll go shower then, will you call my mom?” You asked

“Yeah grab some of my clothes to sleep in” she said

You nod and grab some of her clothes to sleep in, and walk out going to the bathroom. You close the door and undress after turning on the water for it to heat up. After getting in and doing your normal routine you get out and dry off and change. You walk out still drying your hair with a towel when you bump into Tanaka.

“Oh hey” you said

“Hey, you’re sleeping over?” He asked

“Yeah saeko offered” you said

“Nice” he said “wanna come watch me kick noyas ass at video games?”

“Sure why not” you said

You follow him back to his room and lay down on his bed as he sits on the floor with his back against the bed. You watch him for a bit before falling asleep on his bed.

“Did you see that?” He asked excited turning towards you when you didn’t respond. “Oh you’re asleep, Noya I’m getting off she fell asleep on my bed and I dont want to wake her”

He turned off his console and TV. He covered you up and left his room. The next morning you wake up and see you’re still in Tanakas room but hes no where to be seen. You get up and get ready for school putting on some tights since it’s a little chilly in the mornings.

“Morning” you said seeing tanaka

“Hey” he said

“Where did you sleep?” You asked

“Couch” he said

“You could’ve kicked me out of your bed” you said

“Its fine one night on the couch wont kill me” he said “besides you looked too peaceful to disrupt that”

“Oh” you said

You quickly eat breakfast and walk to school with Tanaka.

“Are you going to study with me and Noya tonight?” He asked

“Oh actually I have a study date with Suga” you said “so I’ll be studying with him”

He frowned for a moment “oh” he said nodding

“What?” You asked “it’s just Suga hes not going to do anything weird were just studying”

“Its nothing, I guess I’ve just gotten used to you studying with me and Noya” he said

“Oh, I’ll study with you guys later” you said

You keep walking when you see Suga waiting for you at the gate. You run ahead leaving Tanaka behind with Noya.

“Morning Suga” you said

“Good morning, coffee?” He asked handing you a cup

“You’re too sweet” you said taking it and taking a drink “how’d you know my favorite?”

“I might have asked Yachi” he said scratching the back of his neck “can I walk you to class?”

“Yeah I’d like that” you said smiling

You spend your day going through your classes and spent lunch with Suga, Daichi and Asahi. Enjoying your time spent with them. However not noticing that Tanaka was upset that you weren’t spending time with him.

As promised Suga showed up at your class to pick you up for your study date.

“Are you ready?” He asked smiling

“Yes” you said smiling back “bye Noya, bye Tanaka”

You got up and left walking with Suga. When you get to the cafe with him you get a table and sit side by side each taking up half the table going over your books and notes as you study. After a couple hours you decied to stop and lean back.

“You doing okay?” He asked

“Mhmm” you yawn as you stretch a little bit

“Break?” He asked

“Yeah” you said softly leaning forward laying your head on the table

He reaches over and starts rubbing your back “is this okay?” He asked

“Yes its okay” you said turning your head to look at him smiling slightly.

“Can I be so bold to try something else?” He asked

You nod a little bit sitting back up. He gently touches your cheek and kisses your lips lightly. You close your eyes and kiss him back. When suddenly theres a commotion outside and you turn to look out the window pulling away from the kiss but you don’t see anything.

“Did you see what happened?” You asked cheeks flushed from the kiss

“I thought I saw someone but I’m not too sure” he said

“Oh” you said

“How about i walk you home now?” He asked

You nod and you both start packing up your books and notes. You leave and walk with Suga.

“Thank you for studying with me” you said

“Of course, I should thank your for asking me” he said

“You live two houses down from Tanaka right?” He asked

“Yes why?” You ask and look and see Tanaka sitting on your front steps “oh”

“I’ll text you later” he said

“Okay thank you for everything today” you said

He smiled warmly and left going towards his house. You walk up your steps.

“Hey Tanaka” you said taking a seat beside him

“Are you and Suga dating now?” He asked

“No” you said “we just had our study date today”

“You had spent a lot of time with him today” tanaka pointed out

“Yes I did, he asked me this morning when he walked me to class where he asked me to figure out which subjects I needed his help with. And at lunch we talked about that and some volleyball stuff with Daichi and Asahi” you said

“I saw that he kissed you” he grumbled

Your eyes widened “you caused the commotion outside of the cafe, but I didn’t see you” you said

“I ran off after seeing it” he said

“Tanaka, be honest why are you upset that I spent the day with Suga instead of you?” You asked softly

“I didnt realize it until Noya pointed it out when you left to have lunch with him that I was jealous of Suga” he said “he was getting all of your time and attention, I didn’t like that”

“It was just one day” you said “you have my attention all the time”

“I only want you to pay attention to me” he said

You sighed a little bit and rub your face

“Tanaka what are you saying?” You asked “you’re mad I spent the day with Suga and he got a kiss? But you want me to pay attention to you?”

“Yes” he said

“Let me ask you something” you said “what about Kiyoko?”

“What about her?” He asked

“Nevermind” you said standing up and unlocking door

“Can I come in?” He asked

“Not tonight” you said “I have somethings to think about”

He nodded and kicked a rock as you watched him walk home. You go inside the house and go to your room. After a little while you get a phone call.

“Hello?” You answer

“How’d it go with Suga?” Saeko asked

You tell her what happened and about Tanaka sitting in front of your house.

“That explains him being grumpy when he came home” she said

“What do I do?” You asked

“Well, you’re not dating either of them” she said “but at the same time neither if them have asked you to be theirs”

“Yeah” you said

“Come over” she said

“Okay” you said “I’ll change and come over”

You hang up and get changed into a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. Then run out the house going to Tanakas house. You knock on the door and wait a few minutes before Tanaka opens the door.

“What are you doing here?” He asked

“I only asked Suga for the study date to make you jealous” you blurted out

“Make me jealous why?” He asked frowning

“How stupid are you Ryu?” Saeko asked “should I tell him?”

“I’ll do it” you said

“What are you talking about?” He asked

“God, I’m in love with an idiot” you mumble “I’m in love with you, I have since our first year”

“The guy I’ve listened to you whine about is me?” He asked

“I really like you more than friends but I don’t want to lose you” you said looking down

“Dont look down” he said tilting your up

You met his eyes and he leaned down kissing your lips his other hand going to your waist pulling you close. This kiss felt different than the one you shared with Suga. This one you felt his fiery passion you saw on the volleyball court when he played. He slowly pulled away. And pressed his forehead against yours.

“I have feelings for you too” he said “I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I dont want to lose you, will you please be mine?”

“Yes” you whispered nodding

He grinned and kissed your lips again. This time picking you up and having you wrap your legs around his waist as he took you to his room. Once in his room he laid you down and cuddled with you resting his head on your chest. And you run your hands over his shaved head and his back.

“I’m sorry it took me getting jealous and thinking I was going to lose you to realize how much I need you” he said

“You aren’t going to lose me” you said leaning down and kissing his head

#tanaka ryuu x reader #tanaka #tanaka x you #tanaka x reader #tanaka ryuunosuke #haikyuu!!#hq tanaka #hq x reader

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sungie · 4 years

Text

stray kids reaction: comforting your zoom anxiety

a/n: sorry these have been so angsty lately but this is just something i struggle with now a lot w/my anxiety and thought maybe this could help some of you who are going through the same thing rn xx

also i’m so sorry i spent hours trying to get the read more option to work but it wouldn’t :’( if anyone has any tips feel free to let me know

chan

chan walks past your spot at the table and immediately falters when he notices you staring numbly at your laptop screen.

he crouches down to try to meet your gaze, and then, worried at how your bottom lip starts to tremble, gently tilts your chin up to face him. “(y/n)? what’s going on?”

you just shake your head, trying not to meet his gaze

chan’s not an idiot; something’s obviously wrong

because despite how much you try to hide things, chan knows. he just knows that you won’t tell him what’s going on, and a lot of it is because you want so much to be strong and not feel like such a burden (which you could never, ever be, chan loves you to the end of the world and back)

and he also knows you beat yourself up for mistakes so much worse than anyone, always obsessively focusing on self-perceived flaws for days. weeks, even.

so when he happens to notice the zoom launch page, realization floods across his face.

“oh, baby, no. come here”

chan wraps you in his arms, gently closing your laptop with one hand and guiding you from desk to couch where you nestle your head into his chest

“i’m so stupid, chan,” you whimper, bringing your hands up to cover your face. “why am i like this?”

it hurts chan to see you like this

he wants more than anything to make everything better, but he knows these things take time and you need time

“you mean, why are you so talented, and beautiful, and dedicated? i don’t know, babe. you just are. i’m not surprised, though.”

“i’m such a screw up.”

“you know, (y/n), i promised i wouldn’t let anyone talk to you like that,” chan murmurs, “not even yourself.”

you look up at chan with wide eyes

“i know it’s hard, baby. i know it’s scary, but i’m so proud of you for getting through it.”

chan just wants to pamper you for the rest of the day, and more often than not, the two of you will cuddle together and end up falling asleep for a few hours, tangled together on the couch until you’re ready enough to talk things out.

- -

minho

minho’s brow raises when he sees the door to his room crack open, and he watches as you barrel towards him, collapsing onto the bed next to his legs.

he doesn’t think anything of it, not really.

well, maybe he’s just a little disappointed that you didn’t come to cuddle and rest your head next to his chest, because minho won’t admit it, but he’s a simp for your cuddles

but then, a few seconds later, he notices you’re trembling.

and all too soon, he realizes with horror, that the way you’re huddling toward him isn’t out of comfort, oh no, not comfort.

minho sits up immediately and looks over to see you curled up in the fetal position with your eyes shut, your arms wrapped tightly around your legs

minho murmurs a worried, “babe?”, and he feels his heart break as your eyes open and fill with tears

“it doesn’t get better. i’m never going to be normal.”

minho gently pries the phone out your grasp because it’s only making you feel worse, and he’s about to close all your tabs until he notices what’s on the screen: articles about anxiety, coping mechanisms, how-to’s for speaking up, not freezing up, how to hide fear -- and his heart breaks.

minho gets up for a moment, taking your phone to place it on the nightstand. and when he leaves the room and comes back a minute later with soonie in his arms, he gently plops her down onto your hip and then sits cross-legged beside you, his eyes sad and his head propped in his hands

“you can talk to me, i’ve got you.”

and you let all the words fall out.

afterwards, minho wraps a knit blanket around your form and tells you, quietly, that you’re the most special person in the world.

“more than your cats?” you manage to joke weakly, cracking the faintest smile.

a relieved smile immediately tugs at minho’s lips and the way he looks at you makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world. “you’re feeling better,” minho whispers, half to himself, half to you, and then he lets his gentle smile curve to a teasing smirk.

and like a brat, he says, “i said person.”

you whine and softly poke his cheek, but minho leans over you to press annoying kisses all across your face with the most loving expression

“yah, (y/n), of course you’re more special than my cats, my god”

changbin

you already know the routine by now

you’d texted changbin in midst of your online class with your signature emoji that means: please help i can’t think everything’s too much

and as soon as it’s over changbin’s here with a sympathetic expression and a sheepish shrug, holding a heavy pillow out a safe (and far) distance in front of him

“wanna let it out?”

you nod, shakily, and they you step up to the pillow and start slamming your fists into the pillow, words flying from your mouth about how annoying your brain is and how much you hate this and your blows weaken and your words jumble together until changbin lets the pillow lower and he welcomes you into his arms

he runs his hand against your back and just stands and holds you for a while, rocking you back and forth

“i hate this so much, bin”

“i know, baby. i know.”

he knows that sometimes physical contact helps bring you out of your mind

and so he’ll gently take your face in his hands and caress your cheeks with his thumbs

“it’s over, now. you did it, baby.”

he finds you so beautiful and often loses himself for a few moments because you’re such a special person and he hopes you know that you mean the world to him

if you want to talk about it, he’s got you

and the two of you will cuddle on the couch for as long as you need and talk or watch videos together or eat food

or sometimes you just want to be alone, and changbin will press a kiss to your forehead and let you recharge

and as soon as you’re ready to come out, he’s always got your favorite meal or takeout from your favorite restaurant

and the smile that crosses his face when he sees you makes everything feel just a little bit better

hyunjin

hyunjin doesn’t quite understand how you get so nervous, but he wants to help so bad.

he hates seeing you shut down, and it hurts him to witness the moments when you retreat back into your mind

because you’re such a beautiful soul, and he just knows the thoughts that rage through your head are anything but kind

hyunjin sees this happen on a daily basis, and each time he does, he wishes he could make it better.

today’s been especially bad, with zoom call after zoom call, and he can see the circles under your eyes and the exhaustion and terror written all across your face

he peels off a post-it note and gently sticks it onto your hand, out of view of the camera

“is this an important class?” it says.

you turn to him, indiscreetly nodding your head

hyunjin’s face falls. because if it wasn’t, he would all too quickly turn the video off your screen and let you fall into his arms, pulling you away from the laptop to cuddle and watch something to take your mind off it.

you’re just pushing yourself so much, and hyunjin knows you need to rest

but instead, he comes back a few minutes later, holding a plate of sliced fruit and vegetables arranged by color to look pretty and cute

and he slides that next to your laptop and comes back with a mug with your favorite warm drink

there’s a post-it on this, too. “i love you, and you’re doing great, okay? you’ve got this baby <3 <3 <3

it makes you tear up, a little.

after you’re finally done, you find hyunjin and hug him so tightly

“how’d you know?”

hyunjin just gazes at you softly, nuzzling his nose against yours

“you did it, baby. you should be proud of yourself”

all you can do is hug hyunjin tighter as you start to tear up from relief, nerves, comfort, and hyunjin himself

“i love you.”

jisung

jisung understands all too well the feeling of anxiety

and whenever he notices that you’re upset, even if he’s not feeling all too great, it’s like that anxiety loophole where all his anxiety goes away as soon as he realizes that you’re in pain

really, all jisung wants to do is comfort you and make sure you’re feeling as okay as possible -- everything else goes away, only you.

he gets it, really gets it, when you tell him in tears that you can’t take another discussion over video call which ends in you sitting in silence and regret for not saying anything

“people probably think i’m mean and dumb, jisung,” you choke out, “and i’m not! but i … i don’t even deserve to be there. they see right through me. i’m like, a fraud.”

jisung’s heart physically breaks at this, because you’re not. you’re really, really not. anything but.

“no, baby. you do deserve to be there. you said it yourself, you’re not dumb. you’re not mean. but you’re dealing with anxiety, baby, and that makes everything so much scarier.”

jisung also knows that nothing he says can make it better, but he also knows that you need to get out of your head.

he drapes a blanket around your shoulders and gently pulls you up from the couch, telling you that the two of you are going to explore

jisung drives around the city for a couple hours, and he gives you control over the aux and lets you listen to all your favorite songs -- but sometimes even that’s too much, so he’ll put on shuffle the playlist that the two of you have made together for nights just like this.

there’s always something calming about getting lost in the city for the night, watching the neon lights reflect against the windows as you lose yourself in the music and the dark and the feeling of drifting away from any sort of responsibility and tie to real life.

just you and jisung; the two of you against the world.

jisung does his best to help you forget when that’s what you need. he pulls into a drive through and orders an order of fries, cheerfully feeding them to you when you reach red stoplights. and then he stops at a boba place that’s empty and still open for another hour, or so, and comes back with both your favorite drinks. and then jisung is telling you stories about anything, everything

jisung makes you smile and laugh, and each time you do, the expression that crosses jisung’s face is full of such relief and love

and when you start making your own jokes and telling your own stories, a familiar light entering your eyes, jisung can’t look away and feels his heart mend back together

later, when the two of you come back home and collapse into bed, you tumble over and rest your head against jisung’s chest, feeling safe and loved when he presses his lips to your forehead and holds your hand

“do you think it’ll get better?” you whisper, finally ready to talk about what happened

jisung presses a tender kiss to your knuckles. “i know it will.”

felix

trust me, felix knows all too well the exact regret you’re describing

when you tell him in hysterics about not being enough and not being able to be present even though you wanted to so bad -- he gets it.

you don’t even know how to describe it. you just couldn’t, and that made it so worse.

but felix just nodding and gazing at you with acceptance and understanding makes you feel so safe

because felix is always one thing with you when you’re upset and anxious, and that is gentle

but he also clearly sees the way you answer in short responses when he asks you about it, and how you look so uncomfortable

felix knows whenever he gets like this, he needs to get out of his head

so he takes your hand and guides you to the kitchen, smiling brightly at you

“let’s make something.”

if you’re ever too overwhelmed, felix will do everything for you and come to your room to drop off a plate of dessert and check in and see how you’re doing

but if you’re okay with doing something, felix is that happiest boy ever

you welcome the distraction and help felix find all the mixing bowls, and he grabs the carton of milk while you grab the sugar from the cabinets

felix takes a finger of flour and smudges a small dot on your cheek

“there, freckles”

and you smile weakly and smudge a stripe against his cheek

every so often felix will rest his head on your shoulder and wrap his arms around your waist

he doesn’t bring up what happened earlier because he knows you hate thinking about it, but when you do finally decide to talk about how you feel, it’s usually while the two of you are waiting for dessert to come out the oven

and felix just listens patiently with genuine concern and focus and doesn’t interrupt you at all until you’re done

at times like this, felix really thinks about what to say

and when he does finally speak, it makes you feel so much better

like someone actually sees you and your struggles

but then he’ll do something like accidentally knock over the bowl of leftover egg white or accidentally catch his sleeve in a spill on the table

but it’s okay because you love him

and he really does manage to make everything feel just a little bit better

seungmin

the silence was the first indication something was wrong.

because your relationship works on easy, witty jabs toward each other that always end in laughter and amusement, wildly chasing each other around the apartment and collapsing in cuddles and playful pokes on the shoulder

but this time, when seungmin teasingly mentions that the phone is your achilles heel after you ask him to order the take out, he’s met with stony silence, an unresponsive face, and then: “that’s not funny.”

seungmin’s face falls immediately. he knew something was wrong as soon as he noticed the blankness unfold on your expression, and he steps forward carefully, his eyes softening. “i’m sorry. that was mean of me.”

when you don’t reject to him coming closer, he steps toward you again, kneeling down to where you are and gazes at you with concerned eyes. “did it happen again?”

you finally look up at seungmin, the first trace of emotion peeking through the heavy mask as you nod. “it’s just so stressful.”

seungmin regards you carefully and nods, prompting you to keep going.

“i hate seeing myself on screen,” you mumble, laughing tonelessly in attempt to keep things casual. “i just smile and nod, and … i can’t read nonverbal signals, minnie. i don’t even know when i can talk --”

you stand up and start pacing back and forth, your hands scrunching up your face and pulling at your hair. “i don’t know why i feel like this, and i can’t stop thinking, seungmin, i hate it so much.”

but seungmin walks into your path and gently takes your hands in his, squeezing your palms gently. and then he tenderly opens your fists up, tracing little hearts on your palms and the pads of your fingertips.

“i wish i were like you,” you whisper.

“you already are,” seungmin says, instead. “everything i am, you’re that and more.”

“i’m not capable.”

seungmin gently squeezes your hands again, this time tracing circles against your knuckles. “i think if anyone’s capable here, it’s you. you’re fighting this thing every day, (y/n). even if you don’t see it, i see it. i see you, and you’re capable. more than.”

your mouth drops a little, and you stare at seungmin with wide eyes. and then, “what?”

seungmin just smiles, shaking his head. “what?”

“i’m sorry i got mad at you.”

seungmin shakes his head, letting your hands drop as he pulls you into a hug. “don’t be.”

“i liked that thing you did with my hands,” you murmur into his shoulder, “it helps me not think.”

and this time seungmin presses kisses to your fingers

and he’s just so gentle with you

afterwards when you stop shaking, seungmin doesn’t forget that you still need to eat, so he orders takeout, or you do if you want to try and he’ll hold your hand and just be there, and then the two of you will watch something on his laptop and then finally fall asleep together at the table

jeongin

“isn’t your class starting now?” jeongin mumbles with a sleepy voice, rubbing his eyes and placing a mug of your favorite drink next to your hand

you just shrug, mouse hovered over the link to take you into zoom call

jeongin furrows his face, then blinks. he does a sort of double take, eyes flickering from the time (he knows your schedule by now), the hesitation of your expression, the clear tension in your shoulders and the slight tremor of your fingers.

“oh,” jeongin’s voice whispers.

he takes a seat at the table beside you, eyes relenting, a concerned expression encasing his mannerisms. “it’s okay to be scared, (y/n)”

you swallow, not quite trusting yourself to speak, your throat already tight and unstable

“(y/n) … if you’re not feeling good we can call in sick and tackle it tomorrow. you don’t have to do it today if it’s too much.”

you shake your head. “no,” and then, biting your lip, “i just … don’t want to join, innie. what if he calls on me? and i won’t know the answer, and everyone will laugh. and he’ll make fun of me.”

“that’s so mean,” jeongin says affronted, his eyes wide and then he pouts. “he’d do that to you?”

you nod, arms wrapping around yourself, and jeongin is already awake, eyes wide and you can already tell he’s trying to think of a solution where everything’s okay

“if he does that,” jeongin says, quietly, “then we’ll leave the meeting.”

you crack a half smile. “i can’t do that.”

“i’ll unplug the router,” jeongin pouts.

you sigh, smushing your hands against your face, all too aware of your heart beating so loudly in your ears and the shallowness of your breath.

“(y/n)? oh no, (y/n), baby --”

he’s not one for pet names, but this time it just slips out and it makes things stop for a second

“i’m going to grab your hand, okay? and i’m going to start counting and we’re going to breathe. is that okay?”

you nod after a few seconds, and jeongin reaches for your hand, placing your palm against his chest. and then he starts counting to ten, in a reassuring voice. “just concentrate on breathing. just focus on me.”

jeongin closes the laptop and pushes it away from you. “what do you need?”

“i … i just need a few minutes.”

jeongin nods, then reaches for your hand clasping it in his and squeezing gently. “i’ll be here.”

when you regain your breath and think you’re a little okay, you turn and drag the laptop over, mouse hovering over the link

jeongin just smiles at you softly, eyes still blinky and exhausted from sleep. he rests his head against the table, and you can tell he’s trying to stay awake, but it’s just so early and he starts drifting off to sleep

but there’s something in the comfort jeongin brings by just being there, and with your heart beating loudly in your chest, you click the link and are brought to the loading screen: host will let you in momentarily

jeongin stirs and squeezes your hand again, slightly more awake, now. “you got this”

he smiles genuinely, and it makes your heart warm. “squeeze my hand if it gets bad in there, okay?”

you shake your head, but jeongin wakes up further at this, slightly alarmed. “you won’t bother me, i promise! and when you’re done we can go pick up an order at the pastry shop down the street, okay?”

you smile at jeongin. “okay.”

and you’re going to hold him to that.

349 notes · View notes

hargrove-mayfields · 3 years

Text

Just A Dream Away

Chapter 4/13 read here on ao3!

for @harringrovebigbang

~~~~

Steve doesn’t know why he does this to himself.

It’s been, god how long has it even been since the funeral? Almost a year now according to the calendar, though in his head it’s only been weeks.

Time doesn’t really have much to do with it though. Unless they found a way to go back, Billy would still be gone, and he’d still go back to the cemetery each morning just to pretend he wasn’t, leftover alcohol in his system from the night before melding each passing day into a jumble of numbness.

And Steve, as he falls deeper into this routine of self torture, he’s becoming exhausted. Where he was once optimistic, or at least trying to stay focused on looking for the positives and back on the good times, now he's just empty.

He can’t pretend he’s not depressed anymore, and he can’t pretend things are going to be okay either.

As much as he is still hurting, Robin doesn’t let him just mope. If she knew what was making his heart ache, he thinks she might let him have a little more room to grieve, but she doesn’t know, she doesn’t even know how bad he truly gets when she’s not around, so she had made him accept the video store’s job offer they’d left for when his time as representative was finished.

Work is something to do to take his mind off of things, sure, and it’s a way to get him out of the house, but the only reason he accepted was because halfway between his house and the family video is the cemetery, and every day, whether he drives it or walks it depending on if he’s sober enough to take the car, he stops to pay his boyfriend a visit.

Most often he brings flowers, maybe blows a tearful kiss to the ground and moves on, but some days, like today, he feels a heaviness in his heart that tells him to show up hours before he’s due at his shift, ready to talk it out until he absolutely has to leave.

Maybe it’s a habit from the hospital, starting when he used to be cheerful and sit in the grass to talk about happy stories and good things that happened in his day to make Billy feel better. But a year into talking to the dirt instead of his lover had left him bitter, and he was far past that optimistic point, all that’s left now is guilt, remorse, all the feelings about the loss he’d thus far kept bottled up.

This particular morning, he’d awoken from a nightmare, what happened at the mall never leaving his memory, the flashes of sorrow and pain and death lingering behind his eyes when he tries to get even a moment's peace; everyday is hard, but when he wakes up with tears in his eyes, he knows what kind of day it’s going to be.

So he comes out to Hawkins cemetery, no gift in hand today except his company, and kneels in the muddy grass, damp from an overnight storm that contributed to his plagued rest and left him running on an hour, maybe two, of good sleep, and he just starts talking.

He starts with the basics, the generic greetings and declarations of love that he promises each morning, but his emotions quickly rise to the surface. Reaching out to trace his fingers over the indentations in the upright stone, his voice wobbles slightly, and he shifts from venting to what he came here for:

“Billy. Baby, I’m so sorry. I’ve been pretending things will be okay, but I know they won’t. I failed you. I wasn’t there for you and it’s my fault what happened to you. I don’t even deserve to sit here and cry with you. I know Max has but, have you forgiven me? I don’t know where you are now, but I don’t want you to hate me. I love you so much.”

The silence in response is daunting. Makes him want to scream so loud he could tear the earth apart looking for his Billy, but instead he just repeats his apologies and promises again and again until his tears slow. Eventually, when he’s run out of things to say, he stands, stray tears dripping from the end of his nose and rewetting the soil, and leaves.

Drives away to his job like nothing happened, strolling in some thirty minutes late for his shift. Because today is the premiere of some mainstream pop culture film that’s gone way over Steve’s head on video, the Family Video is packed.

“Hey, dingus. Could’ve used you at the start of your shift.” Robin shouts over the shop noise as he strolls past to his post.

Steve shrugs, an over-exaggerated gesture in case she can’t hear him over the crowd, “Well I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“You are, but I don’t see you working. I need help restocking once those shelves are cleared out.”

“Yes ma’am.” Steve does a mocking salute, the grimace on Robin's face making it clear she can see through his overdone gestures that he’s hiding something, overcompensating for the emptiness he feels.

She doesn’t have the chance to bring it up though, because the both of them get whisked off into separate duties working the over capacity video store. Only, while Robin handles it like she would any other day, with mild annoyance and enough spite to get through it alright, Steve is too fragile. All he can register is commotion, chaos: the buzzing neon lights in the ceiling, surging crowds bumping into him, chatter and bustle filling his ears, and he starts to break down.

But because he’s Steve, he tries at first to just power through. Tries to block it out and resume productivity, but he is already knee deep in a panic attack, so he pushes back through the customers, probably a little too roughly, to tell Robin with that lilt of fear and upset to his tone, “Robin, I can’t be out here.”

She barely looks up as she kindly responds, “I get it, Steve. Go take your break, I’ll handle the rush.”

That’s exactly what he does, is go straight to the back room, but instead of his standard fifteen allotted by the overheads, he stays in the back for an hour, and then another, leaving behind customers arguing over who should get the last copy of the new movie, people in line out the door, tapes knocked off of the shelves, all while people are in trying to do their normal returns and rentals. It’s again total chaos out there, only made worse by the fact that Robin is now alone at the counter.

She would also have to clean up once the rush died, and maybe even replace some tapes if people weren’t going to start watching where they’re walking, and as much as Steve wanted to feel bad for disappearing into the back room for the past hour and a half and leaving her with all of that, he can’t be bothered with coming back out, his morning at the cemetery having taken too much from his emotional threshold to be productive, or remorseful even, now.

There are two big plush chairs and a couch in the back, a much nicer room than the icebox that was the Scoops break area, but Steve sits on the floor instead, his back pressed to the door and his stained up knees drawn to his chest. From where he is, the endless noise and bustle drifts down the short hall to the break room, but he’s too in his head, thinking about nothing and everything to pay it any mind.

It takes probably another an hour and a half for all the crowd to die down, the line clearing out and Robin chasing away most of the stragglers after explaining for the hundredth time that until the already rented out copies were returned, they wouldn’t get any more in and that no, they weren’t hiding any in the back.

Steve can hear her cleaning up a little before she gets too behind, cardboard boxes being broken down and the irritating scrape of broom bristles against dusty tiled floors, followed quickly by loud boot steps toward the door that make his chest ache, pretending it was the echoes someone else instead of his best friend.

The break room is locked behind him, something that is forbidden by company policy, but Steve felt necessary, and Robin beats on it with the palm of her hand, startling him out of the half dazed, half alert state he’s been in all day, “Harrington, what are you doing in there? I just did a whole rush by myself, asshole.”

He can’t father the words to respond, tears welling up and choking anything he might say off in his throat. So Robin calls again, the door knob rattling like she’s trying to get in, her voice more concerned, “Steve? You alive in there?”

“Steve.” She tries again, more desperate, and Steve finally finds it in himself to say something, sniffling and responding weakly, “‘M’fine Rob.”

“Can you let me in?” Robin suggests, just on the side of hesitant, making Steve feel something like guilt for shutting her out, both emotionally and in the literal sense, so he stands, shaky and unbalanced, and unlocks the door for her.

He must look as bad as he feels, because Robin's pinched face of concern melts into one of sympathy as soon as she lays eyes on him.

She steps into the back room with him, after a moment of pause which Steve had come to hate, knowing that meant whoever was speaking was going to take pity on him, asking, “You doing okay in here, buddy?”

“What does it look like?” There’s sarcasm and bitterness in his tone, though it’s muffled by his tears. He doesn’t worry about offending Robin, she’s been dealing with his breakdowns for a long time now, and she knew how he could get.

Patiently, in spite of his snappiness, she asks, “Can you tell me what happened?”

Steve’s not sure how that’s even a question anymore.

What happened was fighting monsters at the Byers. Was getting tortured in the Starcourt mall. Was losing his Billy.

To say that those things had a huge impact on him was a gross understatement. Hell, even Robin was affected too, the both of them incredibly emotionally fragile these days with about a thousand things that could trigger them, both were plagued by nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks at random points in time. It shouldn’t be a mystery what was wrong now.

But having two hour long breakdowns in the employee lounge, Steve had to admit that was new, and Robin was obviously scared for him because of it.

So he lies, “It’s nothing, Robs. Just the same old stuf.” Steve isn’t a very good liar though, he can’t hold eye contact and his voice trails off, revealing him every time.

“Steve.” It was an attempt to appeal to him, maybe to ground him so he’d open up to her, “Please talk to me.”

An attempt, which he shuts down with, “We’re at work right now.”

Robin frowns, a crease in her eyebrow. He’s never seen her look more frustrated as she says, halfway between an insult and a joke, “No, I’m at work. You’re crying in the break room on the floor.”

But again, Steve is having it, “I’m serious, I don’t wanna talk about it here.”

He feels bad about being harsh with Robin, but his grief, this breakdown, it’s not for the general reasons she thinks, it’s specifically because of his visit to Billy’s grave this morning. The heavy realization of everything he’d vented to that cold stone that stood in place of the beaming face, the beautiful boy that always knew what to say, who he loved and still hadn’t told her about, that was what had pushed him over the emotional threshold.

“Alright, well, we’ve got like, an hour left before our shift is over, so you can just veg out back here or you can come and do some work.” Robing announces with a quick glance at her wrist watch, standing and patting the top of Steve’s head just to mess up his hair like he hated before walking out of the room.

At least she was trying.

It takes him a few minutes to find the will to follow her out, but eventually he does sidle up beside her at the front counter, his posture weak and his muddy shoes dragging on the ground, but he’s there, earning a taunting flash of Robins biggest and snarkiest grin as she slides him a stack of tapes that need rewinding.

They don’t get many customers after the initial rush of the early afternoon where he was out for, but he can tell Robin was still keeping her eye on him, just in case he needed a break, or in case he did break himself. Anymore, and much to his dismay, it doesn’t take much to get him overwhelmed, especially not if he was already upset, but he makes sure not to let that show now, putting on a mask like everything is okay, and he is managing it just fine.

Because the thing is, he isn’t managing anything, he’s still grief stricken and he’s drinking himself half to death and he has no future ahead but more sadness, but he’d be damned if he let anybody figure that out. Let anybody worry about him, when he was still living. In his eyes, it’s selfish to expect pity, when you’ve already survived the worst.

He thinks though, by the time their work is almost done, that Robin is starting to suspect something, because the second their shift is over, before the guys to cover the closing shift even show, she’s dragging him out of the store, snatching the keys for the BMW out of Steve's back pocket.

It goes without discussing anymore that on bad days, Robin doesn’t take Steve back home, which is to say, the two of them had been pretty much sharing her dinky little duplex apartment, the two of them living in the right side with a nosy older lady in the other. They both were afraid of what he could do when he was home alone, and, Robin didn’t really know this, but Steve was also afraid of what his father might say the day the dozens of rooms in that house weren’t enough to avoid him, when he realized how pathetic a state his son was in.

The living arrangement didn’t change much though. Steve still wasn’t very good at talking through his problems, and he still wouldn’t eat or shower or sleep regularly. He knew it scared Robin, because it scared him too, but he had other things to worry about.

Maybe it was true that he was so sensitive that it took practically nothing to send him over the edge, but it's not a big deal, he’ll be alright, how are you doing anyway? Robin always has to fight so hard just to get him to talk to her, his best friend who he all but lives with, because all he is worried about is other people. Something to do with losing the one person he was always caring for, trying to make up for not being able to save Billy’s life, or help him through his hardest moments. He knows that, but it doesn’t matter why he’s selfless, as long as he is, right?

Further, he reasons, so what if he’d had a concussion so bad that he still gets migraines that leave him bedridden at times? His friend is hurting and he needs to be there for her. Who cares if he has nightmares so intensely vivid he can’t sleep for weeks at a time? Robin has panic attacks in crowded places, and each time he has to fret about it for days.

It makes her worried sick all the time, knowing that Steve all but refuses to tell her if he needs something, but he doesn’t like feeling studied, can tell she is always looking for signs that something is wrong, watching him to make sure he didn’t do anything he shouldn’t. All she wants is for him to just stop bottling everything up, because she claims she had and it made everything easier for her to cope with, but he’s stubborn.

That just isn’t the way his brain works, and she’s probably sick of trying to get through to him. Somewhere in the back of Steve’s mind, he knows she’s not far from a breakthrough with him, his own coping mechanisms exhausting him to the point he might consider external help, but she doesn’t have to know that yet. For now, she sticks to what she always does in place of these tougher conversations, and that’s to make Steve tea and try to work him down to the point where he’ll talk to her. Today, it’s not going to take much convincing.

The second day he’d ever come over here, she tried to make a pot of coffee for a little chat like this, and Steve had started crying like a baby just from the way it smelled. It reminded him of his mother, of diner dates with Billy and nurses bringing him breakfast, so she had to switch to tea. He could tell it would always bother her when he wouldn’t tell her why something like that was making him so upset, but as Robin would have to come to realize the more he stayed with her, that was just the first of many things she didn’t understand about Steve Harrington.

There were endless triggers that set him off that she witnessed, and when she comforted him, he could tell she understood some of them, like when the lights would flicker when Dorothy ran her vacuum and he’d stop breathing, or when a siren would start up in the distance and he’d get so dizzy and his hands would shake so badly. But it was those overly specific things, like the smell of coffee, that she was sure had nothing to do with what they went through, and her confidence through those breakdowns would be noticeably a lot lower.

Pine tree air fresheners, the click of stilettos on tiled floors, leather car seats, the busy tone of the telephone, cigarette smoke, rose scented perfume, hairspray, crystalline ash trays. The list of things that reminded him of his parents and the utter helplessness of growing up alone and scared, and of his Billy, of everything he had lost when he died. To Robin, who didn’t have the context of his feelings, it just felt like every day there was something new that would set Steve back ten steps in the progress he’d made, and he knew it was making Robin feel so helpless and guilty.

She was getting better while he was still so thoroughly depressed, and she would take missteps on purpose to not get too far ahead of him. He was sabotaging his best friend with his own misery.

The thought draws stinging tears to his eyes, and Steve sits down at the table without saying a word to Robin, knows his composure will crack the moment he opens his mouth.

She finishes making their tea, specifically lemon flavored with two spoonfuls of honey and one of sugar, sliding him his tea in a tacky mug she’d bought him from a yard sale as a sort housewarming gift, an invitation to stay as long as he needed, and sits in the unbalanced chair across from him. “Are we gonna talk about it?”

Steve taps his fingers on the side of his mug, eyes trained on the paint stained and scratched surface of the table, “What do you want me to say? I freaked out at work, nothing new.”

Robin sighs shakily, and it makes Steve feel a pang of guilt in his chest. Despite her best efforts, he gets so defensive all the time anymore, the careless goof he was before Starcourt buried underneath all that was depressing him, and that he wouldn’t share with her. He was an awful friend, spending so much time with his past actions and losses, he’d forgotten how to live in the present.

“But there’s something you haven’t been telling me, Steve.” She bumps their knees together under the table to get him to look at her, “I’m not trying to be nosy or intrude, really, I just want to help you.”

“I don’t need help.” Steve raised his mug to his face, mumbling into it, “It’s supposed to get worse before it gets better, right?”

That same worried crease above her eyebrow appears, “Who told you that?”

He doesn’t answer, staring into the swirling mug before him. A sign for her that he still wasn’t ready to talk. She must decide that she would do most of the talking then, because she puts her mug down, takes a deep breath before saying, “Listen, you don’t have to tell me everything, I just want you to get better and I don’t think you should do it on your own. I haven’t, and I think it’s time I try to be there for you live you’ve been for me.”

There’s a long stretch of silence where Steve didn’t know what to say, the plastic clock Robin had taken from her grandmother’s kitchen ticking away the seconds, the minutes that passed before Steve swallows hard and looks up from the spot he’d been focusing on, trying and failing to find the right words again before he explains himself, “I just think.. I feel like everyone moved on way too fast.”

“From Starcourt?” What she meant didn’t need to be said. She didn’t need to specify the torture, the battle with an interdimensional monster, the fall out afterwards, for him to understand, but that wasn’t it, and he shakes his head no.

Confused, Robin clarifies, “Then from what?”

“All those people that day, Robs, they died and life is just supposed to go on like normal. We still have holidays and we got jobs again, but all those people, they-“ There are tears in his eyes so he cuts himself off, hoping that Robin got the point anyways.

From the look of clarity on her face, she does understand now where this is coming from. Steve had been struggling with survivor's guilt, Robin knew that because he insisted upon attending each and every funeral he could with his schedule at the hospital, and she’d reluctantly driven him to them without question, no matter how unhealthy it was for him.

He had even told her once, when he was drunk off his ass and knocking on her bedroom door in the early hours of the morning, that he didn’t think it was fair that he didn’t die, but all those other people did. She had never gotten an answer out of him when she asked why he thought he deserved to die, and he hoped she’d have forgotten it by now, but now he was cracking, and she was going to figure it out, so he keeps going.

“It’s just, how are we supposed to go back to normal when there’s so many people who can’t? They died, a-and they left behind their families and friends and partners.” He sniffles, tears starting to roll down his colorless face for the second time that day, “How can we act like nothing ever happened when it’s our fault?”

That makes Robin pause, her eyes going wide, “What?”

Steve freezes, hadn’t meant to say that, and he stays quiet until she asks him a second time, “How is it our fault, Steve?”

“Because we were so caught up with that stupid transmission that we missed our chance to help them. And for what? I was just trying to play the hero for Dustin, but I could’ve stopped it if I wasn’t so stupid.”

“What could you have stopped?” Asking so many questions made her sound like a pushy therapist, and it’s making Steve increasingly frustrated, answering harshly, “The-The shadow, Robin! The Mind-Flayer!”

“Okay, I’m sorry. But Steve, I really don’t think there’s much we could have done.”

Steve just shakes his head, insists, “If I hadn’t been so-so focused on doing something I thought was important, I could’ve done something that actually mattered before it was too late. I wasted so much time in the mall. But they needed me and I-I failed them. You feeling bad for me and telling me it’s not my fault doesn’t change that.”

“Steve, if we hadn’t been down there, nobody would’ve known about the gate, and the mind flayer wouldn’t be dead now.” Robin comforts, a deep frown on her tear tracked face, “There wasn’t anything anybody could’ve done.”

It’s not what Steve needs to hear.

“Stop saying that.. I could’ve saved him, and then none of this would’ve happened.” A sob wracks through his body as soon he finishes, the gut wrenching sound echoing through Robin's tiny apartment kitchen.

“Who?” Robin asks, reaching across the table and taking his shaking hand in her own, “Steve, who could you have saved?”

Through his tears he’s able to stutter out the answer, accented with a pointed sob, “Billy. I could’ve saved Billy..”

She doesn’t say anything in turn, occupied with putting the pieces together, though she’s still missing the larger context, instead pushing her chair back on the scratched kitchen tiles, pulling Steve up out of his own chair into the tightest hug she’d probably ever given anybody. They stand like that for a long time, Steve crying into Robin’s hair and her trying to comfort him through her confusion until his tears slow, or at least the hyperventilating is under control.

When eventually he does pull away from her, he wipes at his eyes and whispers, “Can I tell you something else? It’s about him.”

“Of course.” Robin answers quickly, something like relief, an unfamiliar look on her face anymore, written behind her eyes, making Steve yet again feel a twinge of guilt for hiding so much from his best friend.

He speaks quickly, struggling to get the right words together again, “You know how I said that the only time I was ever in love was with Nancy Wheeler?”

“Yeah?” Robin frowns, and Steve can see it in her face that she’s trying to work through it, what his love life has anything to do with his grief, but it’s a lot harder for him to admit than it is even for her to understand.

“I lied.” He chews on his lip, the faint and bitter taste of blood on his tongue, “And you know how when Dustin asked if we were together, I told him that you weren’t my type and we laughed about it because I’m definitely not yours either?”

“Steve I told you-“ Contemplation is replaced with fear, but he quickly cuts her off, “No, no, it’s not like that. I-I’m not done.”

Steve takes a deep breath, “You sort of are my type, but it was always someone else with-with wavy blonde hair and blue eyes and freckles all over that I was in love with.”

“I don’t understand. Who?”

Steve’s realizing he’s come full circle in this conversation, almost identical to the one they had on the bathroom floor over a year ago now when Robin can out to him, his tone and the distress in his features softening, “Robin.”

The pieces click into place, a whole range of emotion from shock to confusion to finally, sympathy, crossing Robin's face, “Oh, Steve. I’m so sorry. When did you…”

“Christmas Eve last year. Night of the snowball he apologized for being an asshole, and a few weeks later he kissed me.” Six months. The time that they’d had together was now as long as he was in the hospital, and since then how long Steve had been grieving him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounds almost hurt by it, the realization that her best friend didn’t come to her with this, especially when she of all people would be understanding. But Steve doesn’t have an answer to that, he doesn’t really know why.

All he does is shrug in response, tired of talking it out anyways, so with a forced sigh Robin tells him, “Well anyways, I’m glad you told me now. You shouldn’t have been doing this on your own for so long.”

Steve smiles weakly and lies, just as he’s been lying for so long, “It’s okay Robin. I’ve been getting better.”

But it doesn’t have the effect on Robin he wants, because she insists, for the first time not just letting him stew in his guilt and bottle everything up, “I don’t think drinking your life away and breaking down more often than ever really counts as doing better.”

Of course he tries to defend himself, anyone would against that, “Come on, Rob-“

But Robin cuts him off, “No, Steve. I’m serious. You need to get help.”

“I’m not going to a therapist.”

“Okay, but you still need to come to me with this stuff.” Steve looks away, and Robin’s tobw gets more desperate, “Steve, please. You can’t do this by yourself. I understand, I’m your best friend. I just want to be there for you.”

“I’ll.. think about it.” Is the last thing he says before he turns to leave, stopping short when he hears Robin sniffle, even on her worst days almost never seeing her cry, “Shit.. Robs.”

“No, no. I’m done talking about it Steve.” Robin shakes her head, her face flushes red as she fights back tears she doesn’t want him to see, biting her knuckles, “Just.. go ahead. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Numbly, he does. He turns and goes up the stairs to the used to be closet Robin turned into a room for him when he comes over.

~~~~

Billy doesn’t know how long he’s been in this hell.

His hair is getting longer, almost down his back now. It’s a matted mess that’ll never brush out even if someday he gets back to water that runs clear and his Gee conditioner he used to slip Susan a few bucks to buy for him, but he can’t bring himself to cut it.

He does shave though. Takes a knife to his face and does his best to use broken and grimy windows and mirrors for accuracy. It seems pointless, and for the most part it is, but his dad used to grow a beard in the winter, and the very last thing he wants is to look like him. Seeing him again would be one thing, but becoming him? That’s something Billy's willing to take a few knicks from a rusty old blade to avoid.

He used to keep track of the days, measured by the patterns in the storms constantly churning overhead, with a notch in the dying bark of a tree he passed between the convenience store and his house, the two places he’d been able to call his safe haven since he found himself trapped.

But then the dogs, as he’d come to call them now, changed. They used to circle the woods, patrol the other side of town, blocking his access to the downtown areas, like the hospital, the police station, Steve’s house. Then suddenly, they started closing in on his side, and from the many encounters he’s had from strays and crossing their invisible boundaries, he knew he couldn’t stay in that place.

So he’d lost his home, the ghost of his family that had been keeping him grounded, gone as he salvages anything he can, and leaves.

For a while, it feels like relief almost. The burden of how long he’d been here and how alone he was lifted, but he knows that’s just a way of comforting himself. He’s actually devastated.

He wants to be able to sleep on his back porch and he wants to be able to look at all the damaged family photos inside the overtaken house, no matter how fake the smiles and poses are, and he just wants to be home. Not that the building means much, home is the feeling, being with the people who he cares about and who care about him. He’s not sure he ever had the sense of what that really meant, but he’d take any dysfunctional upbringing over this.

The best he had for a while was Steve’s place.

Steve is never there, in the physical sense or in that freaky, spiritual, can be heard but not seen way. Inside the mansion is somehow pristinely kept, even in all of this wreckage that destroyed the rest of Hawkins. Mrs. Harrington would be proud of the intact decor and the spotless floors. Whatever those white particles were, which were slowly making it harder and harder for Billy to breath, were the only blemish, everything coated in at least an inch of the stuff.

Outside is another story entirely. The lawn is ripped up, the chairs and lawn ornaments are mangled or missing, and the pool is completely drained, in the place of water gangly vines and more sticky decomposition than he’d seen in even the most remote areas.

He remembers Barbara Holland. He remembers Steve saying she drowned accidentally in his pool when she got brought up. He remembers the fear in his eyes when they were out at night, the way those honey browns would scan the treeline for danger, on his worst days drawing the curtains and refusing to go out back for anything.

He starts to wonder, if maybe the vines mark the victims. His house, Steve’s pool, both completely overtaken. Heather’s house is only a street over from Steve’s, but he can’t will himself to go in there and see if his theory is correct. Same goes for the steelworks, or the community pool.

But, nice as it was, Steve’s house didn't last long as a refuge. He only stays there for a couple of weeks before he again has to grab what he can and abandon it, the dogs having followed him and cut another chunk out of his territory. There was a pack of them wandering the yard, a couple breaking off to charge at the back doors, and Billy has to decide between holing himself up in that hideously wallpapered room that had come to be another definition of home, and running for his damn life.

He chose the latter, scaling the shed roof from the upstairs bathroom window just as the monsters break the glass double doors. Down the rattling drain pipes he prayed would hold his weight, and into the shed to regroup. He’d gotten out with almost nothing of Steve’s, not that polo shirts and nike shoes were great for apocalyptic survival gear, but he wished he could’ve nabbed anything more, a picture, a coat, a bag, at least something he could use.

All he made out with though was a red bandana, which, if he ever gets out of this hell, he has to ask Steve about that, no way his reformed prep was freaky enough to walk around Hawkins advertising his preference for taking it elbow deep, an empty notebook, a pair of scissors as a just in case weapon, and an old banged up Bic which was out of fluid anyways.

The bandanas alright, paisleys not his pattern of choice and he’s more of a navy blue and grey guy than red, but it’d do well enough to keep that nasty shit in the air out of his lungs. Everything else he grabbed is basically useless to him though, so he scours the shed instead, sneaking in through the back door with a sharp eye on where the dogs broke into Steve’s.

In there he gets a little better of a haul, most of it still just junk he can repurpose for tending injuries, but on the back wall, held up by a barely standing shelf, is the golden find, a machete the length of his arm. Brand new and sharpened, a little worn from the rot but clearly never used, the Harrington’s had a gardener to trim back the branches, and everything in here was just for show so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t feel emasculated by not doing any work but answering phone calls and yelling at underpaid workers anyways, so Billy grabs it, finally having more than an old mower blade and a collection of knives from decorative to army to kitchen, most of which were all too small and almost got his arm torn off.

It’s that machine he’d stumbled upon that bittersweet day that he carries now, dripping with the oozing blood of one of the dogs, slightly bent now because another got it between its teeth and more dull from cutting through rubbery skin. The damn thing has saved his life though, many times over as the territories shift again in quick, unpredictable cycles, this last time ending with him cornered in the hospital's courtyard.

He was over there raiding for bandaging and medicine, anything that might help in the long run, but of course, it would have to come in handy just a little sooner, silly Billy for thinking about the future, because the monsters find him.

Thankfully, none of them actually get him, though one is particularly disgusting, it’s head, for lack of a more delicate way to put it, basically explodes when he stabs through it, another damn pair of his jeans getting ruined by the sticky, reddish spatter. The only worry he has time for before he has to kill, or scare off in most cases, the rest of the dogs that step forward, is the damned stain.

There aren’t too many, and those whose brains aren’t dripping off of his weapon, or as annoying as it is, his clothes, run off quickly, leaving Billy himself to move on.

First Cherry Lane, then Steve’s, and now the hospital. Guess it’s time to fucking leave again.

Hawkins is deceptively big for a country bumpkins paradise. The town and its shops and the surrounding neighborhoods only make up some half of the city, even he used to live on the edges of the civilized part, the rest of town stretching on for miles and miles of rural farmland, a couple of houses here and there the deeper you get into the country.

He’d never been over that way except maybe once when Max flipped the map upside down and they got lost on the way to Cherry for the first. That wasn’t much help now, but he was otherwise out of options. It was getting lost in the woods trying to find the more hidden houses, or it was being dinner for the dogs, which he could still hear chittering somewhere nearby, regrouping for the next attack probably.

The decision isn’t hard for Billy. He grabs whatever he’s salvaged and just bolts, bandana mask around his neck, machete in the bag on his back so he doesn’t cut himself up and make all this surviving for nothing, just getting the hell out of there before they decide they want to fight him again.

Because frankly, after as long as it’s been, his energy is getting low. He doesn’t know what he’s surviving for anymore, let alone if he’s going to be able to for much longer. His lung capacity is getting lower by the day, he’s got old wounds that won’t heal. The dogs probably aren’t too far from finishing him off if he gets attacked too many more times, so he’s just not chancing it.

Billy runs and he runs, coughing up a little blood in the process, until he ends up in a neighborhood he’s never seen before. Right now, that’s good news, so he slows his pace and takes his machete back out, just in case he let his guard down too soon.

Over here it’s a little brighter, a little less destroyed maybe, but still not right. Houses still slump and there are still pulsing vines all over, the roads still dusted with toxins. But there are a lot of houses, and that’s usually good news for avoiding the monsters.

As nice an area as it is, there's still something bigger drawing Billy to this area. Immediately he thinks back to the cemetery, how he’d felt and heard Steve that day, an event he’d come to think, after so long without a repeat feeling, had been only in his head, and he panics, for just a moment.

He knows he can’t let him slip by this time. Closing his eyes, he tries to pinpoint the feeling in his chest, like an arrow that can guide him in the direction of this, a compass pointing straight to his love.

Trusting that this feeling isn’t a warning, and he’s not about to walk into a nest, he follows it, slowly at first but with more fervor when he hears two echoing voices at the same time his chest clenches. He recognizes one as a vague face in his memory, Steve’s best friend, the one Heather never had the guts to tell about the crush she had on her, Robin maybe was her name. The other voice, well, the other voice is Steve’s.

They’re coming from a rotten duplex with no doors or windows. It looks a lot like a marked house, and he wonders if Robin knows she got a discount because the owner of the house was dead, melted into a monster that has tried to kill her along with the rest.

Approaching the house, he doesn’t know what to expect, if maybe they’ll be inside, or if this is just some delusion from a lack of oxygen to his brain. It doesn’t really matter. He steps up, careful to avoid rickety spots in he steps, and goes inside.

First, he leans his machete against the mushroom wall. There’s two reasons he never brings the weapons all the way in, first being that any mess he made in the house always had to be cleaned up by his step mother, so outside of the deepest throws of teenage rebellion, he always did what he could to minimize dirt in he house, and that included bringing a machete dripping with brains inside, even if there wasn't anyone around to see it, it was a habit built by thankful glances and praise, albeit somewhat backhanded, from his parents, so it was one he continued to honor.

Second, he harbors a deep respect for the houses he’s stayed in, despite the lack of doors on this one, each and every home he’s entered, no matter if it was for five minutes to steal some food or upwards of weeks where he slept there, these buildings were his shelter, and he feels the need to respect them, so, weapons stay at the front door. So far, the dogs haven’t followed him inside.

Looking around, he can tell Steve isn’t here either. The house is definitely abandoned just like the rest, and his heart sinks just a little, until he hears it again. A vague whisper that’s just barely audible to his ear.

He knows he’s in the right place. Every inch of him aches for Steve, but he can’t see him. He tries again to call out for him, an echo of the cemetery, “Steve? Can you hear me?”

No response comes.

“I don’t understand, why can’t you hear me?”

Things have gone silent on the other side, and Billy feels hopeless. A bout of frustration turns him around, the urge to forget about his stupid rules and just tear this house apart until he finds his Steve, curbed by seeing the wall phone.

He’s not stupid. He’s been over here long enough to realize he’s not in Hawkins, not the real one anyhow, that they, Steve and his family and everyone else are instead. The how and the why are another story entirely, but he has the basic understanding that he is alone, and they are parallel to him. Coexisting in different planes.

And if that is the case and he’s not on the worst trip of his life or just completely off his rocker, him and the dogs he kills an Agave and Pentheus type situation, then he can contact the other plane, say, by telephone even.

Luckily for him, Robin is forgetful, and there’s a list of numbers taped to the wall by the phone, only slightly worn with black gooey rot. He picks up the phone and listens to the emptiness, no dial tone in his ear. His hands are shaky as he slowly, hesitantly punches in the numbers, the three and the eight buttons getting monster blood on them from his fingers.

He raises the phone to his ear, the sound of his own ragged breathing echoing back in his ear as he waits for someone to answer, the line ringing, and ringing, and ringing.

#harringrove big bang 2021 #harringrove #billy x steve #steve harrington #billy hargrove #robin buckley #tw blood #ej writer #story by ej!#more tags on ao3

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anotherimaginethatblog · 4 years

Text

cruise

Pairing: Kenny x OC

Summary: this is cheesy af with all the clichés, but I could not help myself. apologies in advance for the ending. its not my fave but there maybe a part 2.🤷‍♀️ - you and Kenny have had a flirty friendship for years, neither admitting to feelings until a room mix up on the Jericho cruise forces someone’s hand

You would never publicly express it, but you had been excited for this for months. The cruise was the highlight of many pro wrestlers’ year, it was hard work and tiring but also kind of like a vacation. You had sold it yourself as a work trip, when Kenny had asked if you would be attending you gave your usual nonchalant shrug and said, “don’t know I’ll see”, you really wanted to go but the thought of being trapped on a boat with Kenny was hell to you, I mean it is bad enough having a thing for your friend but a friend that you can’t escape? Yeah.

He looked disappointed you noticed, to you he was a good friend you had met on your first tour of japan, hed showed you around and the conversation and good times had flowed. You kept in touch, talking every day, and to Kenny it was a way to feel close to you, the truth was he really liked you and he figured that friendship was better than nothing so over the years you settled into your usual routine of dinner, exploring and video games whenever you happened to be in the same place together. Neither being brave enough to make a move more than the odd kiss goodnight that you would awkwardly forget the next day.

A few days after your non-committal response to Kenny you had replied to the email booking you for an appearance on the cruise, you figured it would be fun and since the boat was so big the chances of actually having to run into him where slim. You were amazing friends, but you were afraid of your feelings getting in the way and ruining what you had spent so long building. The thought of losing him was too much to bear, that and the million questions you would have from your mum if you told her you and Kenney had fallen out. She was convinced he was the perfect man for you, something you denied to her face every time while thinking how right she was in your head.

Arriving at the docks in Miami you had already bumped into a few familiar faces who seemed surprised you actually come along, none more so than Kenny of all people who you just happened to run into while waiting to check in “so much for ill see (Y/N)” he said teasing you.

“hey you” you shot back with a smile “I figured why not, I mean who doesn’t love the Bahamas and being surrounded by fans at every turn” you said turning to look at the mass of fans outside dying for a glimpse of their favourite wrestler.

“and there was me thinking you just wanted to hang out” he laughed. “I’m glad you’re here though, really I am” he replied, you could hear the sincerity in his voice and it gave you a warm feeling that no matter how much you tried to push away, would not leave your body.

“booking under (Y/N)” you said as you stepped up to the desk.

“one moment let me just get my supervisor” said the assistant behind the desk, after completing multiple attempts to book you in. this was not your first rodeo, and you knew this never ended well. “I’m so sorry miss, we have your reservation but I’m afraid due to a mistake you haven’t been allocated a cabin” the poor girl told you, the look on her face bracing herself for your wrath.

“okay, so where am I supposed to sleep? A lounger on deck?!” you replied attempting to keep your cool.

“what’s up?” Kenny cut in before you could continue your tirade at the poor girl behind the desk.

“so, I’m booked on the cruise but they don’t have a cabin for me, I mean how does that even work” you sassed looking directly at the assistant.

“just stay with me, I have a suite so there’s room, you take the bed ill sleep in the lounge its fine” he said.

“you can’t sleep on the couch in your own room Kenny, ill just call the agent and let them know I’m cancelling, I’m not doing this” you quickly answered him

“woah, wait. You cant cancel and your here now, it’s not like we haven’t roomed before it’ll be fine” said Kenny softly grabbing your arm to stop you leaving.

“fine, if that’s okay I will. But I’m not happy about it no offence” you added.

“none taken” said Kenny as he approached the desk.

“what’s up with you?” asked matt Jackson as you were waiting for Kenny to finish sorting your situation

“well….cruise line messed up my booking, sharing with Kenney’s you started

“check in girl flirting with your boyfriend” matt interjected.

“wow, no, okay why would you even…” you trailed off. Matt wasn’t stupid, hed known you and Kenny long enough to see the way you looked at each other and knew you where both stubborn enough to not do anything about the sexual tension between you two.

“look, I see the way he looks at you and you at him, plus the way you act around each other you may as well be dating” he said “just do yourselves a favour and work your shit out” he finished before walking off to talk his family.

Kenny approached you after standing back so he could watch you and matt talking, he wasn’t dumb, he knew what matt had said to you. He said it to Kenny often enough “ you ready to go” he said smiling at you offering you your own key to his suite.

“sure I need to change after travelling all day anyways” you said trying to act cool but you knew you where coming across as a bitch.

After making your way to your room, arguing over who was taking the bed (Kenny insisted you take it) and a quick shower and change you where finally doing your favourite thing; sitting in the lounge with a large tequila and tonic. Kenny was nursing a coke zero, he didn’t drink but being around you when you did made all those feelings begin to bubble to the surface, because he knew what was coming. When you drank you got chatty, and you made him promises you (and he) knew you wouldn’t remember in the morning. “stop looking at me like that, it makes me nervous” you told him laughing

“what?! I cant look at you now” he laughed “you shouldn’t be so pretty” he finished making you blush but want to leave immediately.

“why do you do this?, tease me then go back to just pretending we can only be friends” you stated oblivious to the gang sat around the table with you. You got up to leave and Kenny could only stare open mouthed not sure how to reply.

“(Y/N) come back I didn’t mean to upset you” he pleaded, you knew he hadn’t but you couldn’t take another round of the flirting that would lead to a kiss before you both woke up the next day pretending it hadn’t happened.

“go after her you dumbass” hangman said over the rim of his glass “secretly that’s what women want when they make that dramatic exit” earning laughs from your friends around the table. Gingerly Kenny got up and made his way to your room, if things got too awkward he could always room with hangman or nakazawa.

“(Y/N)” Kenny softly said knocking on the bedroom door “open up for me, I’m sorry I upset you. I just cant do this anymore” he said sadly.

“do what, you don’t want to be my friend anymore?” you asked sadly, stepping out the room closer to him. You where not drunk by any means but the strong drink had made you a little brave and he stiffened when you gently touched his shoulder leading him to sit on the couch.

“no, (Y/N). I don’t want to be your friend anymore” he replied. “I want more, id be lying to myself and you if I wasn’t honest. Its killing me to lie, I think we can be more than friends, we are both adults and I’ve wanted more for a long time. If you don’t that’s cool, but I cant do this anymore I’m sorry” he blurted out, all his words coming out at once. Looking visibly relieved and worried all at once.

You knew he was right, you had got to know each other on a level so deep you where practically a long distance couple, suddenly that bravery lept up and out of you and before you knew it you kissed him. He was shocked at first but soon returned it, deepening it “ we really gonna do this (Y/N)” he asked breathless “we gonna make out then pretend we didn’t over breakfast”.

“no, not this time” you replied kissing him again. “I’m sorry weve danced around each other for so long, I should have had the balls to tell you how I felt” you told him staring into his eyes, he could see all the sincerity and vulnerability you had in you at that moment and he knew you could see the same in his.

“I want this to work” said Kenny, “I want you (Y/N)” he stated,

“right now, here on the couch” you smirked, he knew your humour and knew you full stop. “at least take me out to dinner first” you teased .

“you know what I mean” he replied giving you that jaw dropping smile of his “but I mean, if you’re serious. I could eat” he laughed.

“shut up omega” you laughed kissing him again, he moaned into the kiss and you knew that was a sound you wanted to hear again. Maybe the cruise messing up your room was fate you though to yourself. Before getting distracted by some wandering hands.

“I was serious about dinner though ken” you deadpanned after breaking the kiss Making him laugh. Which was slowly becoming your favourite sound … after the kissy moaning.

#kenny omega x reader #kenny omega imagine #kenny omega fanfiction #aew imagine #aew fanfiction #wrestling imagine #wrestling fanfiction

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skylarmoon71 · 3 years

Text

Raphael x Parker Reader - Chapter 9 (TMNT 2014/2016)

“Miss Parker, late again. This is becoming routine.”

The annoyance is present on your teacher’s face as well as his voice. You apologize, rushing to sit down. Pulling the necessary books, you drop your bag, directing your attention to the board. This is the first time you hadn’t intended to arrive late to biology. Crime really didn’t care much for your high school schedule. Neither did the mugger at the subway this morning.

“Rough morning.”

The whisper at your side makes you turn your head. You almost feel like your cover has been blown. But when you see the spot his eyes are trained on, you chuckle nervously. There’s a small rip on your t-shirt’s sleeve. You frown a bit because it’s one of your favorites. The Captain America insignia on the front is a clear indication of that.

“Damn it!”

“Something you’d be willing to share with the class Miss Parker?” He’s still facing the board, so you aren’t sure how he knows without a doubt that it’s you. “N-No sir.” he just continues on with his lecture, and Milo gives an apologetic smile. For the remainder of the class you try to just ignore Milo. Lately it felt like he was causing so much irritation in your life.

~~~~~

The bell rings and bodies all filtering through the halls. You head straight to the cafeteria. You’re in need of some food and a little alone time. Your eyes fix on a table. Perfect angle to watch the small television perched up on the wall. Usually it’s stuck on educational channels or news. You take a seat, rolling your shoulders. Your bag is secured on the table, and you take the fruit cup, popping the lid open. Your eyes drift over the screen absently. For a moment you don’t really register what’s going on. The news anchor is speaking, and the words that roll across the bottom of the screen make you lean forward. It’s then that the words become clear.

“No demands have been made yet, but five men have been identified. It's unclear just how many hostages are within, but our dedicated officers are working to get everyone out safely. “ Your stomach churns, and the video of the chosen bank causes the fruit cup to fall out of your hands.

“No..”

You rise to your feet unsteadily, almost falling out of the chair. A few students take notice, but you don’t care. Grabbing up your bag, you spin around, almost colliding with another body.

"(Y/N)." You know that tone.

“Milo?” you really don’t have time for this.

“S-Sorry I really have to go.” you don’t have time to explain, you just need to get to that bank. You take one stride and his hand grips your wrist, halting any chance of escape. You turn to him in question, and agitation.

“Listen, I know you’re still upset but you can’t keep running from me.”

“I’m not trying to run I just really need to-”

“To what? Go. You always take off the moment you see me. “

He was really pissing you off. At first you did avoid him, but the times that followed were purely chance. It wasn’t easy making up excuses when you were freelancing as a secret hero. Did he really think your world revolved around nobody but him?

“I don’t have time for this okay. Just-”

“No! I’m not leaving here until we talk this over. Stop being a coward and tell me how you feel!” By now, ninety five percent of the cafeteria has tuned in to your argument. Not that you take notice. Your eyes move shakily to the television, and when you hear the echo of bullets on the screen, and the anchor scrambling for shelter, you shove Milo back angrily.

“LET ME GO!”

Your voice is booming, and the force makes him skate back. He looks bewildered, and you don’t even stay to focus on what just happened. You're racing out of the cafeteria. Milo just watches your hurried exit, the doors slamming behind you.

~~~~

You’ve all but ripped off your clothes, shoving them into your bag. Now in the red and blue outfit, you hide your backpack on a roof, pinning it to the concrete with some of your web just to be safe. Once it’s secured, you dive off the building, heading straight for the bank. With each swing, you can feel the dread in your chest increase.

You could have been overthinking it, but there’s a high chance that you’re right. You come to an abrupt stop when you see the trail of police vehicles, as well as a SWAT task force parked outside. You're just a building away, and from your spot, you can see through the window at the side. All the customers appear to be laying face down on the floor. The familiar head of silver hair is what verifies your assumption.

“Aunt May..” She’s at the back, palms flat on the floor. There’s a man with an automatic gun in his hand, from what you can tell he’s probably the surveillance.

“What do I do!” You’ve never dealt with a bank robbery like this. Usually the thugs were already outside on the run, so you never had to worry about casualties. But if you storm in there without a plan, a lot of people could get hurt. You need a plan. A good one. You slump at the side of the wall, body trembling as you hold your head in your hands. “I can’t do this.” Why did you even think you could help people? It was stupid, you were just a kid. Even with all you were capable of, you felt powerless. Useless, just like the day you lost Uncle Ben.

A small sob leaves you, and you bury your face into your knees.

The ringing in your bag is what pulls you out of your somber thoughts. You aren’t sure what it is at first. That’s certainly not your phone. As you dig through, the blue covered cell phone makes your eyes grow wide.

“That’s right.”

Leo gave you this in case of emergencies. You forgot you even had it

You click the button.

“(Y/N).” The voice on the other side gains your full attention.

“L-Leo?” There’s a breath of relief. “I hope I’m not wrong in assuming you’re at the bank right now. The fact that you answered must mean you aren’t inside.” You shake your head. “N-No I..” this still seems a bit crazy. You’re talking to a freaking ninja turtle on a cell phone.

“Focus.”

Logic could wait until the danger was over. From the sound of it, he’s also working on a way to help the civilians inside. Exhaling softly, you snap back into gear.

“I’m on top of the building on the other side. I have a clear vision of the first floor but that’s it. There’s at least five men in there according to the police.” You’re praying he has some type of plan to help.

“Five of them.” There’s a pause, like he’s evaluating something in his head. Then he speaks.

“If we work together, I’m certain we can get everyone out unharmed.”

“What do you have in mind? “

“I need you to turn on the location on the phone so Donatello can track where you are. Usually we don’t work during the day, but we’ll have to make an exception this time. “ you fiddle with the screen, not even questioning it when you flick on the location. It beeps twice, and you hear Donatello in the background.

“Let’s go Leo.”

“Okay. Just stay put. If anything changes please hold off. I know it’s hard to trust strangers but we-”

“I trust you.” No hesitation. Right now you can’t afford to have doubts. Just a few seconds before his call you were about to give up. He has given you motivation and assurance that you won’t have to lose another person you care about. If he’s willing to risk his safety as well as his brothers to save complete strangers, then you could trust him.

“We’ll be there soon.”

He hangs up the phone

All that’s left is for you to wait.

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innittowinit · 4 years

Text

Can you pick me up? my uni burnt down (Chapt. 2)

Relationships: Sleepy bois inc (all fics i write are platonic)

Summary:

In which Techno goes to England for University, his building catches fire in the night, and he isn't prepared for the difference in climate between England and California. SBI fluff ensues

Chapter summary:

After waking up, Wilbur has the great idea that they should do a sleepy boys stream. Tommy doesn't get told about this id

Words: 1785

Language: English

AO3 Chapt. 1

Listen, waking up on a sofa, with a thin blanket shared with 3 men was never going to be the best morning. His back hurt and his legs were numb from Wilbur having sprawled out over the three of them as he slept.

Stretching his arms back, he recounted the events of last night. God, it really was only a few hours ago, he was so tired. Had this been last year, he would have been able to stay up for days on end and then just crash for an entire weekend. It wasn’t last year though and Techno had gotten himself into a fairly healthy routine, he couldn’t exactly be sleeping through his uni classes anyway.

“Alright you two” Hearing Philza’s voice, he propped his head up, “Get up, you can’t lay around all day”

A groan came from the mass of blankets and cushions that happened to be Wilbur, who was curled up in the centre of it,

“Phil it's so early and we went to bed so late. It’s fine to sleep in”

“Okay” he chuckled, humouring his tired friend “It’s midday Wil, im taking the blankets away now”

Techno thought it was much too early too, as he tugged the sleeves of Wilbur’s hoodie down a little further so they could act like gloves.

“Do you mind if I use your PC to try and find out what’s going on with my classes at some point? They'll probably send me an email or something” He grumbled, standing up so he could stretch his back out properly, following Phil slowly to the kitchen.

“That’s fine, it's up in my room, do what you need”

Breakfast was nice, it had been a while since Techno had had time for it honestly, and even longer since he had been able to eat with people he cared about. He had a couple slices of buttered toast and a bowl of some british cereal which he didn’t really like but he didn’t want to be rude so he ate it anyway.

“You wanna stream together later?” Wil asked through a mouth full of food, earning a snort from Phil. This was nice.

“Yeah maybe, you use face cam though, I’m not like against showing them my face but y'know, it is what it is” he shrugged, spooning another mouthful of his breakfast into his mouth, he had to admit it was very bland, he much preferred the sweeter ones that were more popular in America.

“Well think about it, if you decide you don't want them to see you, you can always just sit off to the side and I'll turn my monitor so you can still see it. My office is big enough for it anyway, it’ll be like where Niki was during that one MCC remember?”

Techno nodded and carried on eating, they really were 3 very sleepy boys right now. Maybe he’d take a nap once he found out what was going on with his classes.

------------------

Streaming without any gameplay to comment about and with facecam on? Techno wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. That just didn’t really sound like something he was going to enjoy.

It was nerve wracking and he always seemed to glance at the camera too much when it was pointed at him. He knew the fans would be disappointed if he didn’t do it though, When Wilbur tweeted out saying that he and Phil would join him in a ‘you laugh you lose’ he watched as the replies freaked out.

You could say he was just a bit camera shy, he wasn’t incredibly insecure, sure there were things he didn’t like that much but everyone had things like that, it just made him nervous to know that people were looking at him.

He’d be okay with his friend’s though, he trusted that they’d never put him in an uncomfortable situation. He knew if he got overwhelmed he could sit outside the frame.

It would be okay.

“Hey hey chat” Wilbur mumbled into the mic, making it loud enough so that everyone could hear but it still sounded like he was whispering.

“We’ve got the blade here, bet you weren’t expecting that huh chat? Or maybe you were, maybe you read the title of the stream, bet there’s someone watching who didn't think he’d be here though” he finally turned the music off and switched from his ‘starting soon’ screen to his regular camera.

Wil went through the rules, it was the normal stuff, he added in some jokes here and there, prodding Techno and Phil to talk at times. They’d already agreed that this wouldn’t be for youtube, since that seemed to add a bit too much pressure for Techno, but hey, he still had to welcome his chat.

“Okay!! First media share! Lets go”

After a series of videos, some funnier than others, Techno had started to loosen up a bit. He was getting more comfortable with the camera and while he’d probably cringe while looking back at the footage, at least he was having fun right now.

He had a warm feeling in his chest that wasn’t usually there when he was streaming alone, sure it was usually fun but nothing was better than being with his friends while doing it, there was really only one person who was missing.

As if on queue, chat started spamming Tommy’s name, for a moment Techno thought he had been mumbling his thoughts out loud, before he looked between Phil and Wilbur, who both seemed equally confused. Moving Wilbur’s mouse over the chat to pause it, Techno tried to read some of the messages.

“Oh he tweeted something” he mumbled, pulling his phone out of his pocket without a care. Maybe some irl streamers would have used the computer but knowing Wilbur’s history, he doubted it could run Chrome and streamlabs at the same time.

Looking at the tweet he felt a little pang of guilt. It was lighthearted and jokey but he knew there’d be a little truth to it. He nudged the other two and read it aloud to them.

‘Damn guess I’m not a sleepy boy after all’

The air felt a little thick after that, they hadn’t meant to exclude Tommy; all of the excitement of Techno coming to stay had just made it a little hard to arrange to have Tommy here after all.

Still, they probably should have still told him though. They were supposed to be each other's family.

“Hey chat I think we’re gonna have to end stream early.” Wilbur finally piped up, deciding it wouldn't be right to carry on when they had hurt their friend, not that chat needed to know that though, he didn’t want to embarrass Tommy.

“I feel kinda sick and I don't think you all wanna watch me vomit right? Yeah so it’s best we end it now”

Techno sniggered to himself at that, in games Wilbur always seemed to be very cunning but he supposed he wasn’t very good at lying when it was about something he actually cared about. Said something being Tommy.

After raiding Fundy, the trio hopped straight onto discord.

Tommy didn't answer the first time he was called.

Or the second.

Finally, after three calls, Tommy decided he’d talk to them.

“You are all a bunch of dick heads, you know that? What the hell! Why wasn’t I invited to the sleepy boy’s stream! Wilbur you bitch!” Through all the vulgar language and the constant yelling, it was clear that Tommy was genuinely upset.

He had every right to be, as far as Techno was concerned. From his point of view his friend’s had just gone off and hung out without him. He just hoped he’d calm down once they explained everything.

“You know I thought we were friends! I thought we were brothers! But if you don’t wanna hang out with a ‘kid’ you can just tell me and i’ll- i'll go!” He was still yelling, as usual, it was clear he was trying to make this into a joke where he could overreact but Techno noticed the small sniffles and the quiver in his voice.

By the looks on Phil’s and Wilbur’s faces, they recognised it too.

“Listen, Tommy”

Wil was the first to talk, it made sense, it seemed that Tommy trusted him the most at times. Sometimes Techno could be a bit too cold and sometimes Phil could get a bit too overbearing.

Techno understood this, he didn’t take it personally, he knew it was only natural that you have people you trust with your emotions more than others. It didn’t mean Tommy didn’t love them just as much, just that they weren’t his ‘go-to’ when he felt down.

Techno felt the same way sometimes. Feeling’s got complicated and personally he thought Phil was the best to talk to about that, the fact that he was older and had his life sorted out gave him a sense of comfort, like he could trust him because he knew what he was talking about.

“We didn’t plan a meetup, it just sorta happened. Phil was at my place, helping me record, and then Techno’s Uni had a fire and he needed a place to stay while they’re making it safe again” Wilbur sighed as he heard Tommy moving on the other side of his mic. Techno wondered what he was doing.

“We would have invited you, had we known that we’d all be in the same place Toms”

Phil took over, giving Wilbur a little sympathetic smile. The brunette so obviously felt guilty about the situation.

“But when we got the call from Tech’ it was past 3 in the morning and it was tipping it down with snow, as soon as we got home we all slept. We decided to do a stream this morning but never once did we intend to try and make you feel like you aren’t welcome with us”

Finally it was Techno’s turn to talk...Fuck.

He wasn’t exactly the most sentimental guy, he struggled to show his emotions and he just assumed everyone he cared for just knew that he cared for them. He rarely had to say it out loud. God okay. He just had to swallow his pride and go for it.

“Tommy you are a sleepy boy and you are our brother. We did kind of a dick move today and if I was you I’d probably be upset too. I know I didn't like seeing you guys playing without me during MCC and that wasn’t even any of our decisions. We should have called you or something. I know I kinda tease you a lot but that’s just how I show I like people. Listen Tommy if I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t be comfortable enough to make those kinds of jokes with you. It’s not funny if it’s hurting you though..”

Techno bit his lip, this wasn’t as hard as he had anticipated but it was coming out like word vomit.

“You’re young Tommy but you’re so talented. We love you”

There was some more rustling, it sounded like Tommy was wiping his eyes. Maybe the boy had expected a yelling match, only for it to turn out to be very emotional.

“I love you guys too.. If you ever exclude me ever again though I’m getting my vlog knife out”

#hurt/ comfort #sbi #sleepy boys inc #wilbur soot #tommy innit #tommyinnit #technoblade #philza #fanfic

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nojam-secrettime · 4 years

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142. “Hold my hand so he gets jealous.” [NCT’s Johnny]

Genre: college!AU, suggestive fluff?, has swearing

Word Count: 3k

Admin: Rianne⭐️

Note: I’m like so rusty, I haven’t written in ages. But here you go, have some of my newest bias.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just not really into you anymore.” Sanghyun said as he shrugged his shoulders before running off to meet his boys.

You expected it, of course, you had felt Sanghyun losing interest in you but you kept denying your gut feeling. He had asked you to be his girlfriend after all. Nobody asked you ever, so the fact that said he liked you and gave you all of his attention was a drastic change from any other boy you had liked, you said yes.

It had started out great, he understood that he couldn’t come between you and your best friend. And that nobody could ever make you stop hanging out. And he never seemed to get jealous about it either. He called you to talk before you went to sleep but after gaming, of course. He picked you up at your house and drove the both of you to school. You shared one of your general education classes together and sat next to each other, until he went off to engineering and you went on to the theatre for dance.

He waited for you after your rehearsals and took you home, or took you to dinner and then took you home. It had all become pretty routine for you in the last 6 months. Until he stopped waiting for you after rehearsals. And he stopped calling you before you went to bed. And he stopped picking you up to go to school together.

He said it was because he had so much extra work to do, he was learning how to fix his computer and was behind everyone else in his class. And you believed him, your older brother had taken engineering and he had spent days at school at a time. But you just had that nagging feeling he was cheating on you, your intuition told you, but you denied.

Until the rumors started, Sanghyun was spending a lot of time with Yona. The pretty redhead in the class you shared together, she was cute and hadn’t said much to you all year other than exchanging hellos. He still sat next to you in class but you could see him texting every now and then when he thought you weren’t looking.

You sighed to yourself, of course he lost interest, who were you anyway? No one special, dance was your passion and you liked playing video games with friends in your free time. You put it in effort with some makeup but with how often you had rehearsals, it was easier to wear leggings or sweats than to dress up something cute to classes.

You adjusted the strap on your shoulder and found yourself already arriving to the theater’s back door. You steeled your nerve before heading inside, you didn’t need any of them to be telling you ‘I told you so.’ Several of them had warned you against Sanghyun when he first asked you, saying he was a playboy and that you were just his flavor of the month. The only one who didn’t say anything was him.

“Hello, Your Highness.” He jokingly bowed before you and then threw his arm over your shoulder. He was never gonna let that down when you had been casted as Sleeping Beauty and he had gotten Prince Charming in high school, he started calling you that and had been ever since.

“Hey best friend.” You replied in with as much normal happiness as you could muster but that wouldn’t fool him. It never did. You continued walking towards the dressing rooms so you could put your things down and start warming up.

“Hey hey, none of that. What’s wrong? Something happen with Sanghyun?” He asked you, putting both hands on your shoulders and making you lkkk at him.

“I don’t really wanna talk about it here, Johnny. Can we talk about it after?” You said, your eyes drifting off to the side and at the spot on the floor that looked like old gum. His finger tightened just slightly on your shoulders before he pulled away and let you put your things down. You walked back out of the dressing room and he immediately took your hand, “Fine, tell me on our way home then.”

You kept your mouth shut, and merely nodded. That’s how it used to be, before Sanghyun. Johnny had always walked you home and walked you to school, ever since you were little. He lived just down the road and a block away, and you had met on the playground at the park when you were 6. He stopped a boy from pulling your hair and since then, your parents encouraged your play dates.

You went through rehearsal on auto-pilot but you could feel the gazes of the others. They had probably heard the news already, that or Sanghyun was already dating Yona right after he broke up with you. The whispers didn’t help either, the gossipers were going. Maybe she didn’t put out, maybe she was cheating on him first, maybe maybe maybe.

You soldiered on through rehearsal, Johnny was your partner as usual and kept sneaking glances at you to make sure you were okay. You would always try to give him a small smile of reassurance. But he wouldn’t buy it. Granted, you weren’t too sad per se, you had seen it coming. What really killed you was the idea of no one else ever liking you the same way again.

Nobody approached you ever, you had to do it, you had asked a crush about it once, and he told you he couldn’t because Johnny was your best friend. It took you by surprise at first but nothing would come between you and Johnny. All the girls who asked him out always asked in a way that told him if he dated them, he’d have to ditch you, and he always told them no. And there were a lot of girls asking.

So there was no way you could even think about someone asking you to drop Johnny. Not after everything you guys had been through, failing grades, failed auditions, great plays, pet deaths and not to mention, all of the bullies he kept away from you. No way in hell, he was your best friend, it was a package deal or nothing.

Rehearsal ended and immediately everyone began talking, it had been silence except music and counts but since then the theater rose up in a cacophony of sounds and distorted voices as everyone spoke.

“Are you going to the party tonight?” Jaemi asked you. There was a party every Friday night at one of the fraternities, this week it was Sigma Pi’s turn, the engineering frat. How ironic.

Before you could open your mouth and tell her no, Johnny came over, slinging his arm in his usual spot on your shoulders. “Yes, yes she is. Actually we both are.” He said, smiling at Jaemi.

Jaemi gave you a smile that felt forced, of course it did, she was Yona’s best friend. “Great. I guess I’ll see you guys there then.” She walked away right after.

You turned to Johnny, “I don’t wanna go to the party tonight, it’s Sigma Pi’s party.” You frowned at him. You wanted to do your best to avoid him and Yona at all costs, it would just be another blow to your ego that no one would like you again.

“And that’s why we’re going. Because Sanghyun is going to be there, and you are going to look like the hot little shit I know you can be, and he’s going to regret ever hurting you.” Johnny smirked, as you felt his anger in his words. He hadn’t complained about Sanghyun before but he was probably just mad that Sanghyun had hurt your feelings.

You groaned, knowing that there was no way to fight him on this, once Johnny made up his mind, it was settled. You were doing whatever he decided on, it’s how you both auditioned for Sleeping Beauty to begin with. And it worked out perfectly fine. Your bag in hand, the two of you made your way back to your house. He walked you all the way to the door before stopping you, “Wear that top with the straps that buckle and that pair of high waisted shorts that make your ass pop. Oh and that black heel you always wear out. You know which one.” He told you.

“Yeah, yeah, Charming. I got it, the usual slay outfit for when you wanna chase girls away or we have to kiss ass so the fraternity buys fundraiser tickets.” You nodded, before pushing him away so he could go home and get ready too, the party was gonna be bustling in about an hour and even then you guys were gonna be fashionably late.

“See you soon, Your Highness.” Johnny waved as soon as you were inside the house and ran off. You sighed to yourself, putting your things down. It didn’t sound like mom and dad were home yet, so you hopped in the shower and started to get dressed. Your hair was long enough to braid and blow dry so it fell in waves down your back while you did your usual makeup and pulled the outfit on as instructed.

It always took you by surprise when you saw yourself in clothes like this, dance kept you in shape but you never really got to see it with the leggings and oversized shirts. But now, it was obvious, you could clean up real nice. You filled a small purse with the essentials and swiped a red lip stain on when the doorbell rang. You pulled the strappy heels on and answered without looking knowing it was Johnny.

He wore the biggest smile on his face as he appraised you, “Yes, you. Beautiful and hot as always.” He said, complimenting you as he always said you so rightly deserved. He cleaned up nice himself, button down with a lot of his chest exposed due to lack of buttons on, dark denim jeans and his knockoff timberlands that he didn’t care if alcohol spilled on. Messy bedhead hair that he always had, and his random assortment of rings on his fingers just for show.

“You look good too.” You told him, knowing he deserved a compliment just as much. “Did you break off another button on that shirt?” You asked, noticing the fraying threads.

Johnny smiled sheepishly, before nodding his head, “I threw it in the dryer because I forgot about it and then it ate another button.” He took your hand, before leading you to his car, the Sigma Pi house was on the other side of campus and nowhere near close enough where you could walk in those heels.

“I keep telling you, you can’t dry this shirt. You’ll have to get another one if you ever need to audition in a suit.” You shook your head and rolled your eyes at him but he knew you weren’t too upset with the smile on your face. He opened the door for you and helped you into the car before going around the other side himself. The drive was short as no one else was on the road and he sped there.

There was one last street parking a little way over in front of the house and he quickly paralleled and came over to help you. With your heels, you were still nowhere near as tall as he was. But still, it helped when he offered you his arm. You walked in with your head held high, determined to not let anyone get you down.

Someone offered the two of you unopened beer bottles and you graciously took it. Johnny had an opener on his keys and helped you with yours. You clinked once before the both of you took a sip. It had been a minute since you drank, because you had that audition, but the cold beer felt so good, warming you from the inside out. “Now, where is that jerk.” Johnny said, taking another gulp of his beer, it was already more than half down the bottle.

He walked the two of you around the living room and towards the kitchen where random bits of food was bound to be. Everyone was looking at you, as you made your way through the frat house. It felt so weird to have so many eyes on you, you could feel the gazes and from you could tell it was mostly shock. You kept your eyes down, for the most part until you saw him. He was already cozying up to Yona in the loveseat, with her on his lap and a beer in the other hand. You caught his eye before quickly looking away before he could give any sort of look.

“Hold my hand so he gets jealous.” You murmur softly, but Johnny was close enough that he could hear you. He looked around until he saw Sanghyun and Yona together. You saw his jaw clench before he turned to you with that mischievous smile. He only did that when he was about to do something that you might not be on board with.

“I have a better idea.” He said, before crowding you up against the fridge. The cold stainless steel gave you goosebumps and you could feel your body react to the cold. His arm rested on the wall just above your head, and he leaned in so close, you could feel his breath tickle your neck. You were positive your eyes were bulging out of their sockets and your chest tightened as you held your breath.

“What’re you doing?” You asked him in a tight voice. His breath continued to tickle your skin as he lingered by your neck, his other hand came down to rest on your hip, pulling you close.

You swore you felt his smirk against your skin without him actually touching you. Johnny never did this, even when he was pushing girls away, the only thing he’d ever do was put his arm around you and pull you close. Or he’d let you drink out of his drink, to show that you two were together to deter girls away. Before he could answer, a throat cleared beside you guys.

“What are you doing with my girlfriend?” Sanghyun asked as you realized that he was the one who cleared his throat, your eyes immediately darted over to the loveseat and Yona was now sitting there alone as she watched Sanghyun.

Johnny kept his arm above you but merely moved away from your neck so he could look at Sanghyun as he answered, “Don’t you mean your EX girlfriend, since you broke up with her just before her dance rehearsal?” He said loud and clear for other people in the room to hear.

Of course, in that moment the DJ shut the music off and the audible gasp from everyone could be heard around the room. Sanghyun narrowed his eyes at Johnny before speaking, “I’m not too sure what you mean. Y/N is my girlfriend.” He said, stepping closer to the two of you.

Your mind raced as you couldn’t quite understand why he was doing this, Sanghyun literally just had Yona sitting in his lap. And he broke up with you, like actually said it was over and walked away. Did he think that just because you didn’t tell anyone, that he could just take it back?

Johnny scoffed, not moving away in the slightest, in fact he moved closer to you, pressing his body against yours just slightly but not uncomfortably. It felt as if he was making sure Sanghyun couldn’t try and forcefully pull you away. “That’s funny, pretty sure Y/N is my girlfriend.” Johnny retorted and this time you audibly gasped. You stood there frozen, shock, realization, disbelief flooded your system. Was he lying? Was he making shit up to make Sanghyun jealous? Was he serious?

Sanghyun stepped closer, “Excuse me?” He raised his voice at Johnny. “Did you say girlfriend?”

“What do you not understand about what just I said. Y/N is my girlfriend, you broke up with her this afternoon and I realized it was now or never.”

You gaped, mouth open, mouth closed, mouth open. You couldn’t find the words, what did this mean? Did Johnny like you? Has he always liked you? When did it start? Why didn’t he ask you before ? Granted, you were dating Sanghyun so why would he say anything.

“I knew it, you’ve been cheating on me with him haven’t you? That’s why you didn’t even cry over me, because you were already dating him! I knew it!” Sanghyun said before quickly walking away.

You finally let out the breath you had been holding right after, and Johnny looked to you before smirking. “Did you mean it?” You asked him in a quiet voice, you looked down to avoid his eyes in case he said no.

His hand on your hip moved as he picked up your chin with his two fingers to look at him. “Of course I did.” He said and you continued to gape at him. “I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I just didn’t want to fuck up our friendship. I’ve always liked you Y/N. Always.”

You closed your mouth quickly due to the shock but came to the same realization. You had liked Johnny, you always did, in the back of your mind, but also refused to acknowledge it. You guys were together since elementary, there was no way you were gonna fuck that up. But it did always make you happy when he walked you to school, you always wanted him to walk you home. Even when girls confessed to him after the bell rang in high school, you always waited for him and the two of you would get ice cream after.

You hated seeing him flirt with the sorority girls for them to buy fundraiser tickets but you knew it had to be done. You also hated seeing girls want him for themselves, you used to chalk it up to not wanting to lose your best friend but it was more than that. You didn’t want them to have him because you wanted him for yourself. He was your biggest supporter as well as the one who helped bring you back up when you were down. It was Johnny after all, the Prince Charming to your Sleeping Beauty.

You laughed and shook your head, smiling wide, “You know I think I’ve always liked you too, just didn’t want to lose my best friend.” You told him and you watched as he gave you his biggest smile.

“Good, I’m gonna do what I should’ve done so long ago.” He told you, before leaning down and pressing his lips against yours. The whole world spun, your mind blanked as sparks flew, the room could’ve been on fire for all you knew. He pulled away but not before swiping his tongue along your bottom lip. “Let’s get outta here?” He asked you, pushing off the wall and taking your hand, intertwining your fingers.

“Yes please.” You said, already seeing the room devolve down into a massive orgy dance party that it usually did. He led the way out the door before you guys climbed into his car, he still held the door open for you to get in.

When he got into the driver’s seat, he put his hand on your thigh before starting the car and rested it back on your thigh. The touch was welcome and surprisingly a comfort, just as much as it was a tease. “Oh by the way.” He said casually, “I am the reason no guy’s asked you out. Anytime they ask me for advice on how to ask you out, I quickly shut them down and tell them you’re with me.”

“What? But what about Sanghyun?”

“He never came to me for advice and he kinda just put you on the spot one day after your class together, didn’t he? I didn’t even get a chance to ask you before you could answer.” Johnny said, “but it doesn’t matter now, you’re mine now Sleeping Beauty. And I’m not letting you go.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Charming.”

#admin rianne #rianne-loveeee #drabble150 #Johnny Suh #NCT Johnny #NCT fluff #Johnny #Drabble #NCT Drabble

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sp00kybitme · 3 years

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Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky

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