#and struggling to find top surgery before/after pics that look like what i want

[prettyboy-asmo]

Obey me! boys with trans masc MC

 Some headcanons about the brothers + Solomon and Diavolo with Trans Masc MC. it’s pretty self-indulgent. Obviously not everyone shares the same experiences with their identity.  I took from my own experiences and feelings about things to write these.

TW: Mentions of transphobia (not detailed and not from any of the main  characters)

Lucifer

It doesn’t actually come up for some time, not until you realize that you two are definitely getting closer to being intimate. 

One night things start to get steamy and when you realize you have to force yourself to not run away. You’re still up and halfway across the room faster than Lucifer thought a human could move. Your heart is beating wildly in your chest, and you have to make yourself look Lucifer in the eyes. 

He’s quick to apologize, thinking he made you uncomfortable- he’s honestly worried he’d hurt you or crossed your boundaries. You assure him that it’s nothing like that. You just need to explain something before things go further. 

If you are nervous about telling him, he’ll wait patiently for you to say what you need to say. Reassures you that it changes nothing about how he feels about you. He only cares that you’re happy and comfortable. 

“I’m glad you feel comfortable telling me. I know humans can hold some troubling views on the subject.” He’s never really understood a lot of the human hang ups on things like this, but he knows it’s a big deal for some to share the knowledge with others, it takes trust.

What he doesn’t say is how happy he is that you trust him that much (how proud he is,) 

Will ask if there’s anything specific you need him to do/not do or anything that you might not have that you want or need. (ie: new binder if you haven’t had top surgery, do you want top surgery? He can make it happen.)

If you’re having a particularly bad time with dysphoria, he’ll straight up ask if there’s anything he can do to help. 

He’ll also be sure to call you by your name, or specifically masculine terms 

Someone misgenders you on purpose? He doesn’t hesitate to set them straight. No one’s foolish enough to do it again. 

Mammon:

He finds out on accident. You’re changing when he barges in your room, saying something about being late for breakfast in his usual loud manner. 

He freezes when he finally looks at you, Sees your binder or your scars but honestly it doesn’t really register bc holy shit his human is half dressed and standing in front of him and-poor boy is blushing so hard and is silent because he’s certain he’ll make a fool of himself. 

It hadn’t occurred to you until he went quiet that he didn’t know already. 

You finish getting dressed and his silence is worrying you at this point. You quietly ask him if he’d like for you to stop hanging around him

That manages to snap him out of his daze and he looks utterly confused. “Why would ya think that?” You try to explain that you’ve had people that have stopped speaking to you because you’re trans, or have even tried to tell you it’s wrong. 

“They obviously don’t know anything,” He says, “You’re stuck with the Great Mammon, ya hear? I’m your first guy and you’re my man!” It’s not the first time he’s referred to you as his, but it’s the first time he’s used man instead of human. After that though, he starts doing it more and each time it makes you smile. 

“That’s right, That’s my man!” “What took ya so long, man?” 

If you’re having bad dysphoria he’s very vocal about calling you his man, reassuring you, and asking what you want in that moment. Stay in and just lay around? Sure. find a distraction? He can think of plenty.

He offers you some of his shirts and jackets. “They suit ya,” he insists, even if they’re big on you, “Gotta make sure my man is staying stylish!”  (He won’t admit how happy it makes him to see you wearing his clothes, but you can tell anyways.)

Someone misgenders you to upset you? “What’d you just say to my man?” He’s angry and he’s not about to be quiet about it. 

Leviathan:

You mention it off-handedly while discussing your favorite anime and manga. 

You’d started talking about one that actually had pretty decent Trans rep, lamenting that it wasn’t more popular because of how much it meant to see someone like you-

Levi catches it immediately, but he doesn’t say anything about- It doesn’t change anything he feels anyway. 

He does, however, take time to look for movies, tv shows, games, or anything you might both enjoy that has good Representation. 

When you realize what he’s doing you can’t help but hug him tightly  and kiss his cheek, and it makes him blush.”I’m glad you’re happy.” 

Bad Dysphoria? He’ll drag you to his room to binge anime, play games, and watch movies. He knows the distraction helps.

You’re his Henry, and he’s gonna go the extra mile to make sure you’re comfortable, however he can. 

If you use a binder and find you need a new one, he’s on top of it- He’ll offer to make one for you so he knows it’ll be the right size and it will be good quality. 

Someone misgenders you after being corrected? He checks on you first and asks if you want him to do something about it. If he finds out they did it Maliciously? He’s going to do something about that- reminding everyone in the process that he’s the third eldest (and third most powerful) for a reason. 

Satan:

It comes up when you start spending more time with him- studying or getting book recommendations to pass your free time, You can tell when your interactions shift to something more.

He nods when you tell him, “And your pronouns are He/him, correct?” 

Asks if there’s anything he should avoid doing, anything you don’t like to be called, He wants to know your boundaries then and there so he doesn’t overstep them. 

He spends some time researching. He wants to make sure he understands as much as he can about you, including this- he doesn’t want to ask you directly what your experience in the human realm was, in case it brings up any unpleasant memories. 

You notice the change in his reading list eventually and it makes you feel warm knowing that he’s doing it for you. You tell him if he does have any questions he can ask you. 

He does ask you if you use a binder and if you’re binding safely.

He also asks if Dysphoria is something you struggle with. If you tell him it is, his line of questioning shifts to things he can possibly do to help you deal with it. 

If it’s a really rough day and you admit you don’t want to really do anything, he’ll pick a book to read to you, just so you know he’s there for anything you need, even if it’s just quiet company. 

He also becomes a little more vocal, calls you things like dashing or handsome. 

If someone misgenders you with ill intent? He’s going to deal with it, and it’s not going to be pretty. 

Asmodeus:

He invites you to his room to show you the new outfits he bought. He does it pretty much every time he goes shopping. 

This time the first outfit he walks out includes a skirt. You already know Asmo doesn’t believe in gendered clothing, or adhering to any sort of ‘norm’ but it’s the first time you’ve seen it so obviously in person when it comes to his clothes.

“I wish I could wear something like that,” the words are out your mouth before you register them, and you flush even while Asmo giggles. He offers his closet to you and tells you to try something on. 

Your hesitance must show, because he frowns a little, looking concerned. “I used to,” you admit, “But people kept telling me that I didn’t need to transition if I liked all that stuff anyways.” 

He’s next to you in a second, hand tilting your chin to look at him, “Fuck those people,” he says seriously, “It’s a shame for a man to hide such a delightful body. It’s even worse for him to deny himself things he likes because of ignorant commentary.” 

He ends up making suggestions on what to try on, starting with a simple skirt and shirt combo. 

You stare at the mirror for a long time, turning occasionally to watch the way the skirt flares up slightly when you do. You catch Asmo smiling behind you in the reflection.

“Do you like it?” You catch his eyes in the reflection, nodding, “I missed the feeling. Thank you, Asmo.” 

“Anything for someone as handsome as you,” 

If you’re feeling really dysphoric he’ll try to pamper you- want him to brush your hair? Face masks? A relaxing bath? An entire spa day? New clothes? He wants you to feel good about yourself and he knows self care is the first step. 

He loves to pick out clothes for you to wear, but he always explicitly asks what style you want, because he wants you to feel as good as you look in anything he picks for you. 

If someone misgenders you maliciously or more than once, he’ll have plenty of words with them. 

In fact, as it turns out many of his fans will also have words if they catch wind- Asmo loves posting pics with you on Devilgram and taking you to the Fall, so you’ve also become part of many of his fans' lives too.

Beelzebub:

You feel a little self-conscious surrounded by attractive demons- But Beel is a whole other level. He’s tall and solid muscle, and you're envious of it. 

You know you could never keep up with his workouts, but you ask if you could join him anyways, and if he could give you some pointers on good workouts for specific goals. He agrees right away, more than happy to help. 

It becomes a routine and you look forward to your shared workouts, even if it’s just you both doing your own thing, or Beel giving you pointers on your form or him asking you to record him so he can see how his own form looks. 

You’re so comfortable around Beel, that during one of your afternoon workouts you pull your shirt over your head as you stop to take a break and even out your breathing. 

“It’s not good to wear a binder while exercising for so long.” Beel’s concerned comment takes you off guard for a moment and you flush, unsure of what to say because he sounds so casual about it, and you aren’t really used to it. 

You settle for “Sorry,” and quickly go to tug your shirt back on, but he shakes his head. “You don’t have to. Just rest while I finish up.” 

“You’re doing this for you, right? No matter what, You’re a great guy, so don’t push yourself because other people expect it.”�� You’re surprised when he joins you after he’s done and it’s the first thing he says. You tell him it does help you feel better about yourself and you enjoy spending the time with him, doing something you both enjoy. And the smile he gives you is blinding. 

If you’re having a bad time with Dysphoria he’ll ask what you want to do. Workout? Movie and Snacks? Do you need a distraction or do you want to just...be?

He’s well aware of the toxic masculinity that can be present in places like gyms and such. He’s never tolerated it, but there’s a new edge to him if he hears anyone saying something disrespectful or hateful. 

If someone misgenders you, he makes his displeasure known but he focuses on making sure you aren’t upset. (Not many would dare risk making him angry anyways, as quiet as he is he’s still intimidating when he needs to be.)

Belphegor: 

You don’t actually tell him. with how often you end up napping with him he just knows. He doesn’t even say anything about it- he doesn’t see the need to and neither do you. 

He does say something the one time he catches you falling asleep in a binder. “You can’t sleep in that!” he wakes you up and makes you change- he tells you it’s important to have proper sleepwear, a lecture that might even rival one Lucifer's, as he himself begins to doze off. 

After that he makes a point to check to make sure you aren’t wearing a binder before he cuddles up for a nap or for the night (Not that he admits it to you)

He likes to tease you, but he’s always hyper aware of his words. The last thing he wants to do is accidentally say something that might actually hurt you

He doesn’t tend to use overly gendered language with you in the first place, “You’re my nap buddy,” “You make a really nice pillow,” “I like it when you look flustered like that,”

But if he notices/ you tell him you’re struggling with dysphoria more than usual he’ll make the effort to use specifically masculine terms

He’s not the greatest with being open about his feelings but he’ll reassure you if that’s what you need

He doesn’t like seeing you struggling so he asks the best ways to help you feel better, even if he still teases you he’s doing his best to cheer you up or make you more comfortable.

If someone misgenders you on purpose he’s making sure you’re okay. He’ll be even more clingy than usual, glare at anyone he thinks looks at you wrong or he’ll simply drag you back home to laze around and cuddle (He tells you he’s tired and just wants to nap, but he really just wants to keep an eye on you in case it upset you more than you showed.) 

He’ll have a discussion with whoever upset you later, anyways. 

Solomon: 

When you realize he’s way older than he looks you’re concerned that he’s gonna have some very archaic views about things. 

Even as you grow closer to him, the thought nags at the back of your mind and it keeps you stuck at a distance despite his obvious flirting. 

He notices, of course. “Am I making you uncomfortable? I can stop if you’d like,” It's a stark contrast to his usual teasing and mystic demeanor, and the serious expression on his face draws some courage from you. 

You manage to tell him without stuttering, and then you flush when you tell him you weren’t sure he’d be okay with that. Saying it out loud makes you feel a little silly- all things considered. 

He hums and tells you he understands, but that he doesn’t care in the sense that if you’re happy and true to yourself that’s what matters most. (It sounds suspiciously like something Asmo would say, but there’s sincerity in his voice and eyes.)

His flirting continues- when he passes you at RAD, when he invites you to study with him, even his messages, simple compliments like “You look rather handsome today,” or teasing “I’m so lucky to sit with the cutest boy in class,” but now that you aren’t worrying about other things, you can finally return his teasing. 

If you’re having a hard time with dysphoria, he’ll ask if he can help. He’ll show up with snacks, movies, books, anything you want to do. He’ll even offer to ask Asmo for the needed supplies for a spa day, if he thinks that might help. 

If someone misgenders you on purpose he’s gonna set them straight. He’s the most powerful sorcerer and he’s not going to let someone disrespect you like that

Diavolo: 

When you arrive in the Devildom, you actually laugh. A few of the people (demons!) standing around you look concerned. 

“I mean, plenty of people told me I’d go to hell but I don’t think this is what they meant.” There’s some surprised looks but no one mentions it past that, really. 

But it does come up in one of your regular meetings with Diavolo, what had started out as short meetings to discuss how things were progressing during your stay had suddenly turned into hours of visiting over tea and Barbatos cooking. 

He asks you what you meant when you’d said that. It wasn’t the first ‘personal’ question he asked you, and you didn’t see a reason not to explain. So you tell him all about your run ins with the wannabe preachers and ‘concerned’ Sunday school moms and the like and how you managed to offend them. 

He looks curious and you tell him to feel free to ask you if he has a question. He has a few, mostly about if there’s anything making you uncomfortable he might not be aware of, or if there’s anything you need that you can’t get in the Devildom. 

He’s genuinely concerned about not having thought about things like this when it comes to the exchange students, and asks if you’d help him make sure the program was improved and friendly towards all. 

It warms your heart to see him so passionate and ready to learn in order to make others comfortable, so you agree without hesitation

Your visits with Diavolo grow in number after that though some of them remain just friendly visits, some are focused on the exchange program and some of them are far more intimate. 

If you tell him you’re having a rough time with feeling dysphoric, he’ll Invite you over to visit and make sure you’re alright- and if you don’t feel like going out? He’ll come to you, a box of sweets from Barbatos and determined to find out if there’s anything he can do to help. 

He’s all about reassurance, “You’re perfect, and I don’t lie, remember?” 

Someone misgenders you intentionally or is just being transphobic in general? He’s quick to shut that down. He makes it known that he won’t tolerate any sort of hate speech or such behavior, and especially not towards you. No one is going to test Lord Diavolo on that, either.

[dom3n1c]

Celebrating my one year on t with a voice update! I did have some other videos between month 5 and one year that I just honestly didn’t feel like editing in, but there wasn’t much of a change between that time so I didn’t feel the need to include clips from those. *Sorry in advance for the long post, I’ve got a lot to say about my transition journey.

I’m so happy with how far I’ve come; it’s been a wild year (literally what a year as an Asian American) to begin transitioning in the middle of a pandemic, starting grad school, starting a new job, looking for a long-term career and just learning to be more confident and nicer to myself and my body as this is the one I get to shape and mold into the man I am today.

I am grateful for the opportunity and ability to transition medically so that I can learn to like my body and what I see in the mirror. It’s been tough since first socially transitioning four years ago after my first semester in college to feel like a man, but after starting HRT and getting top surgery within this past year, my dysphoria has been less and less at the forefront of my mind. I can’t describe how freeing it is to not be tied down by my own brain worrying about gender constantly, and to now have so much more time and energy to think about my future rather than my struggles with the past and present. I still have a ways to go in my transition in terms of legal changes and possibly getting lower surgery to further relieve my physical dysphoria, but I just wanted to take a moment to relish the fact that I have made it this far after years of silent suffering.

Top left: 2014, just finding out about the LGBT+ community and afraid to even be thinking I might be a lesbian (but also feeling like I act like a gay man???)

Top right: 2016, learned what trans is and got a binder to alleviate chest dysphoria, happy I can start to pass as a boy even with a high voice and taking secret selfies to see how much I can make myself look like a guy

Bottom left: 2019, out socially to friends and most family as a man for a nearly 3 years, taking pics after lavender graduation, before graduating college, a few months before moving home and starting testosterone treatment

Bottom right: 2020, one year on T, over 4 months post-top surgery, halfway through grad school, nearly a year working in the tech field, a proud bisexual trans man still working on both his fit and selfie games (dms are open for tips tbh)

I hope this reaches other trans people planning to start or just starting or currently socially or medically transitioning, or even those that just wanna see another happy trans person, as a sign that while the journey can seem long and rocky, it’s more than worth it to be able to look back and see the progress you’ve made along the way.

[enniewritesathing]

Stuff where I talk about things

or the spoiler post, or some clarifications because there’s no dialogue/text with this with a dash of behind the scenes

under a cut because... well, I like to talk

Were!John leaping into the air like that?? funniest thing I’ve done, hands down. I was struggling thinking ‘okay, so how is this guy gonna die’ and the gremlin was like ‘well... maybe off the top rope shit?’

that’s what i named that whole sequence

I didn’t show that guy’s head being caved in or even the aftermath of it. I did pose it but it looked... weird. Granted, his head got smashed in but stll.

There was a good second of silence after the guy handling the anesthesia asked a series of questions.

“Hey, if a werewolf dies, it’s said they turn back human. So, why hasn’t [John] turned back yet?” [Famous last words]

You may ask how come no one figured that out? Would have the monitor picked up on any heartbeat? Or the screen at the head of the surgical table for any motion? The lead was too far away from the screen and also the bracelets that were on John’s wrists were taken off. 

that and were!John did play dead. Like his cover should have been blown when his eyes were closed.

I had to go find and get screens from various ECG readings and I gotta tell ya, I have learned a lot! I wanted to find some that had more readings (BP/Respiratory Rate/etc) but nothing I could use, low quality... and I couldn’t make them myself. Oh well. That would’ve been neat, I think.

That was the first ‘meeting’ between John and were!John. 

Also, I have to say, I didn’t think the difference between them would be that stark? John looks really young when he doesn’t have any body hair on him??

The shot of were!John daring the cop to shoot him is another good shot that I love. You know he called this man a “p*ssy”.

Were!John knew that the gun wasn’t going to shoot on the basis that he counted the bullets that were fired. It sounded different when lead researcher shot and killed the cop.

I really did feel bad when some parts called for John to be crying. No less than, what 4 times? I’m terrible! My boy D:

Posing 5 rigs and then setting them up? What a fucking nightmare. 0/10 what was I THINKING

The sequence that ended with were!John holding the heart of a seriously dead man... the beginning of it, he tried shifting the blame to the lead researcher, but were!John smelled the medicine used on him. That he was told to. Sure, but the counterpoint is that he could have refused to. The fact that he did it twice and then have the audacity to get all high and mighty about it when it was thought that were!John died. Just as complicit as everyone else in the room.

I’m glad this heart cc was made because the other one would have looked goofy looking. 

I had the idea of him taking a bite of it and looking very deranged and, y’know be Like That... but then I thought, he wouldn’t waste food much less a heart as they are extremely tasty when fresh. 

The pic of him in the dark? Probably the scariest shot of anything.

Would have he tried and killed the remaining person? Nah. For one, they weren’t a threat (despite the fact that Actual Security was with them, pointing shotguns in his face no less). Two, were!John was asked if he was done. And he was. He was exhausted. All of his anger was gone. And three, he sensed that he didn’t want to bring any more harm to were!John, treating him with actual kindness.

“You’ve made quite the mess. You must be tired, Johnathan. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

okay, back to the first ‘meeting’. were!John is mostly “hey, what the fuck is going on, why are we dying here??” and John... explains the situation and were!John is upset because he knows what’s up. 

They argue in how to stop the situation, or rather John is arguing with were!John to not kill whoever’s behind them dying. 

“If I don’t put a stop to this, then you will die. We will die.” The point is driven by the fact that John dies about twice during their meeting, and the last part of it he’s really weakened. This is when he cries because of the sheer pain that he’s going through. He doesn’t want to kill, but if it makes the pain stop, then...

This is the part that were!John tells John: “It won’t be you doing it.” It’s a very important distinction. “This isn’t your burden to carry.”

I would also say that this story tells it from were!John’s perspective and give his side of it. He is far more complex than what was said about him in the first place. He is... what’s the word I’m looking for, gentle? towards his human side. 

The plan was essentially, “the next time you die, let me jump in and handle business, but whatever you do, just stay put, don’t listen to any voices, don’t follow no one, etc.”

When were!John took over, the room turned black. When he gave John back control, the half he stood on was black, and John’s side was white. When were!John left, the room was back to white. I thought it would be a cool idea for ~subtle symbolism~.

Meanwhile, back at the surgery, it’s obvious that when John wasn’t turning back (forcibly), there were some arguments.

Basically, “eh, if he dies, we can bring him back and try again nbd, we’ve got ALL night and he’s been shown to be alright after. We’re going to reverse this.”

Funny how that worked out.

for real though, posing 5 rigs? setting them up? keeping track of who’s who?? 0/10.

And on another note, this story would not have been possible without all of the CC involved. It is a grocery list of things that I’ve been waiting on for a while, no matter how niche it was, but I’m glad someone made it and decided to share it. 

The time for were!John to do his business? ‘bout 10 minutes.

Oh!! I forgot about!! Using TOOL!! It’s a pain in the ass! I don’t know my angles! And I didn’t know what axis was what! That probably took me longer than I needed to! But stuff got flipped like I wanted it to or else the environment would’ve looked real goofy.

I think that’s it... for now... 

My favorite shots?! 

the mentioned were!John jumping off the top rope

The smile

The look of pure terror when the guy with the undercut realized that John wasn’t dead after all

Actually just all the looks of terror. I put extra thought into that.

that single shot of were!John crying before vindication. 

John on the floor looking shocked at seeing were!John.

were!John holding John as he (essentially) died and the taking over!!

how exhausted and done were!John looked as he stood up

what’s ya’lls favorite shot/sequence? :>

I’m not gonna lie, when I made the pose of John arching his back and popped in-game, I thought... okay that’s a little extra, but we’ll keep it.

when I was making poses for that part, I had an outfit that had tears (apartment!John is the other John and... what I’m saying is, it’s hard to keep track of two in one spot) and I left it in as a goof but then I was like “YO THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING”

i mentioned in a earlier post that John is an angry crier. and guess what??

he cries because he is angry. he is wrathful. 

And also the person who survived here was Brian’s contact in the story. Brian threatened to kill him/finish what were!John started if he came near John in any capacity. I mean... look at him. Dude’s a shrimp.

TIL there’s a photo upload limit and I busted it twice so, I guess if I have something as big as this, I better update as I go along.

This story and making it is probably the most ambitious thing I’ve done so far on this blog and I am glad I am done.

I may be missing something here but that’s what I’ve got on my mind.

EDIT: Okay, few more things.

Were!John knowing that John will most not likely remember any of this because of some amnesia side effects from the medicines and all of that.

But not really. John gets nightmares/night terrors from all of this. He tells what he remembers to Brian in the main story. It’s incomplete but he still knows. Hearing this prompts Brian to tell John to talk to his were self. They gloss over it in the story, but I would say that were!John tells him what exactly at some point.

And another thing, in the majority of this story, were!John’s sclera is black. What does this mean?

I didn’t know this CC existed but had I known about it, it would’ve been in the main story where were!John charges towards the bear that was gonna kill/eat Brian.

On that note, his sclera was white when he chased and cornered Brian before he figured out whoops, that’s his mate.

And I probably made that part a plot hole because given how were!John behaves in this story and then go buck wild when he first gets out in this story... I mean, it had been two years. maybe he was that excited and temporarily lost his goddamn mind?? Would he have done something to Brian if he wasn’t his mate? I don’t think so. If Brian wasn’t so scared, he’d do something as drastic and slap him hard enough to knock him out of it.

I guess?? well, plot hole I guess! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[werevulvi]

Time for a few updates, I think. The biggest news are: I just got my period back a few days ago! On the 28th of November. It's still ongoing. It's been a light flow all along, but for the first 3-4 days I had really bad cramps. Like they were REALLY bad. I mean double-folding and literally screaming, kind of bad. So I was popping painkillers pretty much constantly just to cope with it. Now those cramps are still happening but much milder, so don't need to take painkillers anymore.

I think the reason I got so bad cramps, which has never happened before, is because I likely still have high levels of testosterone and/or my reproductive system is still a bit roughed up by the testo and needs more time to come around. So I don’t worry about it. Just my body getting a rude awakening from its hibernation on testo.

I've not gotten my hormone levels checked again, but I'm pretty sure they're all over the fucking place since about a week before I got my period. I've been extra sad, upset, easily offended, hyper-sensitive, even more easily angered than usually. Physically I can't regulate my body temperature at all. I'm always either too cold or over-heating and it fluctuates between those two states constantly.

And I think this roller-coaster reaction is because my estrogen is storming within me due to the period thing, and fluctuating really a lot between high and low levels. I've not taken my local estrogen pills for my vaginal atrophy since I got my period back and it seems I may not need it anymore, but I'm unsure cause I still had atrophy issues up until getting my period.

I went back on the testo-blockers again. I got very dysphoric about my changes from the testo again. It actually got me to the brink of being suicidal even, so I thought going back on the blockers might be a good idea. I’ll try to not get into an on and off relationship with them.

I wouldn't say I'm truly suicidal, but damn I do wish I was dead, quite a lot. It's just sooo hard to go through with all this sadness,  pain, grief and medically induced dysphoria that it's just breaking me. And the hormonal mess most certainly isn't helping my mood. Past 2 days have been a little better, but just... holy shit, the pain of detransitioning is nearly killing me. I just feel so sad about my body, what I've done to it. I do love my body, and I want the very best for it. I never get any urges to self harm, but I struggle to comfort and care for myself and staying positive.

I feel a terrible disconnect and aversion to the changes. But it's just sadness and a calm frustration like just not knowing what to do, there's no hate or anger. Been trying to just play with the thought of possibly one day in any future get my beard lasered off, cause that thought still scares me. I'm terrified I'd regret it even though it makes me miserable to have and deal with it. So I'm definitely holding off on that and won't do anything drastic in that direction anytime soon. I know that how I feel about my facial hair has been fluctuating really a lot and that I need to give it lots more time to think about what I should do with it, so that I can come to a wise decision. I'll keep shaving in the meantime, but it doesn't feel like a long-term solution.

I've also been researching breast reconstruction a bit more as well. Looked into the two different methods (implants vs flap), gone through my concerns and questions a bit more in depth, looked at pictures, read some accounts from women who've been through that, etc. There's still a lot I can't possibly know before a consultation with a surgeon about it though, cause of my chest being it’s own unique case, kinda. And I think my biggest question in all of that is my nipples. Because they've been relocated and I've heard that means they can't be relocated again and if they might end up in a weird position after surgery due to their current location, I really don't know what could be done about that. But then having a little wonky looking nipples wouldn’t be the worst thing either.

But an idea hit me, that if it could be a viable option for me, I might actually just ditch my nipples for reconstructed ones. Because of the kinda bad state of my nipples, I think reconstructed ones would likely be better on all points. They got kinda butchered by my top surgery and the drawn-out healing process after it, and I don't really feel emotionally attached to them. They have almost no sensation, are permanently discoloured, are uneven in both size and shape, are very scarred, etc.

I dunno, I don't think they look really terrible or anything, and I mostly just shrug about them. So ultimately it doesn't really matter to me if I'd keep them or get new ones. I know this is something I can only find the answer/solution to by actually talking to a surgeon. I'm just speculating, researching, reflecting and fantasising until then as a way to mentally prepare myself for pretty much anything. So that I’ll know what decisions to make on that day. 

But damn, I'm really looking forward to having breasts again! That thought and mental picture just fills me with so much ease and awe. I don't care if they'd be scarred or a little weird-looking. That would just give them some character. What I can tell from pics I've seen, I'd be happy with a lot of very different results. I’m very far from a perfectionist, I’m a realist with a vivid imagination. I keep an open mind, and heart, to it. Then we’ll see what I’ll end up with. And in case I need to clarify: how I feel about my chest since detransition has not been fluctuating at all. If anything I just feel increasingly worse about its current state. And the more I look into those feelings and the surgery info available, the more certain I get that that's the right route for me. So I feel increasingly more confident about that, the more I learn and the better I come to understand it.

[mona-stay]

It Takes Almost Dying

Request by wattpad Prompt see pic

Warnings anguish, main character injury, fluff ending Pairing jughead x reader Story

You walked alone along the path leading up to pops. On your way to meet the gang as you called them. You, Jughead, Archie, Betty, Cheryl, and Kevin had been friends for as long as you could remember. There wasn't a day that you all didn't spend time together. Then Veronica came to town and completing the group making you the magnificent seven. Thursday's was group night, a night was you'd all meet in pops before going to the feature movie at bijou or during summer you'd hang out by sweet water. Now Jughead had joined the serpent's and was still in a meeting with them at the Whyte Wyrm often making him late for group night. 

"so y/n how long you gonna wait before telling Jughead yours in love with him. Some of those girls in the serpents are hot" Cheryl said. Everyone laughed knowing she was talking about Toni topaz, the pink haired serpent who'd stolen her heart. Cheryl smiled "well tee-tee only proves my point about serpent girls, get your boy before finds biker chick," she says raising her eyebrow. It was no secret among the group that you were head over heels for the raven-haired boy. You'd started crushing on him when you were about 12 and it only got worse the older you got. Now you only had eyes for Jughead but were to shy to actually tell him, afraid of rejection or worse a void in the close friendship you had with him.

Unbeknown to you Jughead had loved you for just as long as you'd loved him. He'd never known what to say about his feeling for you chose not to say anything at all, hoping if you felt the same that you'd make the first move so he didn't have too. His serpent meeting had gone on longer than he'd hoped, he took out his phone to text saying he was going to late. "texting your girlfriend" Toni teased. Jug shot a look at her to say shut up, "oh come on Jones just tell her and if you can't find the words just kiss her. She'll get the message" Toni said as she wiped down the bar. After listening to her continue to talk him into expressing his feelings, Jughead decided he was going to do it make the first move. As soon as the meeting finished he got on his bike racing to pops to find you "go get her tiger" Toni called as he pulled off. 

You went outside for some fresh air and a break from Cheryl you loved her but wished she'd leave this whole Jughead thing alone. You'd been sitting on the wall re-reading the text jug had sent 20 minutes ago, saying he was going to be late. Another text came through on my way now see you in 5 mins it said. You smirked "well hurry up I need to talk to you" you typed back. It was a few minutes later when you heard the sounds of skidding tires and scraping metal gave you the worst feeling. Running to the sound your worse fears were met. Jughead laid on the road, his bike on the ground under a car. You screamed as loud as you ever had before dropping to your knees next to him, not caring if they were cut or not. Filled with panic you start calling out his name screaming at him to look at you move say something. He didn't he laid still with his eyes closed.

The others saw you take off and came to follow, running when they heard your screams. Betty got out her phone to call an ambulance, while Kevin went to the other car to check the driver. He was mumbling something about not seeing Jughead he tried to swerve out the way but the bike came to fast. Everything around you was a blur time went by too quickly for you to notice the ambulance pull up. Archie and Cheryl were now next to you trying to pull you away from jug so the paramedics could see to him. You cried into jugs chest your arms wrapped around him holding on tight, almost like if you let go he'd die. Archie grabbed you by the waist dragging you from Jughead's body. The tears rolled down your cheeks as you struggled to break free and go back to the boy you loved.

Everyone was gathered around you, all talking at once some to you, other to each other or on phone calls. To you it was all just noise and sound, your attention was on the medics with Jug, you couldn't breathe properly through crying. Betty came over "the paramedic said one of us can go with him to the hospital," she said. You snapped out of your blank stir, "I'm going" you said pushing past them all. The whole ride there you sat watching the guy work on Jughead, at one stage he stopped breathing and they needed to resuscitate him. You went numb, your body shaking as you mumble "please don't die" over and over to yourself the sound burly audible.

Once you arrived at the hospital they wheeled Jughead through the hospital as you followed gripping tight to his beanie, you didn't even know when or where you picked it up. Nurses had been talking to you but you didn't really hear, some things you nodded and shook your head too mainly are you okay and is there anyone we can call. You had stayed outside the door they rolled Jughead into but wouldn't let you follow.

It had been almost 3 hours since Jug was rushed into surgery, a nurse came out asking if you were his family. Before your brain had a chance to lie your head shook no. "I'm sorry I can't tell you anything right now until I've spoken with his next of kin," she said about to walk away. You grabbed her arm "no, you can't do that please you have to tell me if he's going to be okay please" you beg, the second you speak the tears start to fall again. "I'm sorry miss I can't tell you anything unless your family," she said a little bolder but still sensitive enough to try and not upset you anymore.

A gruff voice behind her calls out "I'm fp Jones, his father and this is y/n, his girlfriend" he said moving around to you placing his arms over your shoulder pulling you in close to comfort you. "please can you tell us how my son is doing" this time his voice shook as he spoke. The nurse gave a small smile "he's still in surgery and is in a critical condition but we're doing the best we can" she said before another head popped out the door calling her in. Not long after both you and for were shown to a room to wait for a doctor with any news. You'd sat in silence still sobbing as fp hugged you, his hand rubbing your back in an attempt to soothe you. Not long after some of your friends had come in the room to wait as well. Fp looked at everyone, Betty held Archie her face tear-stained, while Archie bit his nail, his eyes red. Finally, he looked down at you thankful you'd finally stopped crying but was still concerned about you. 

Your hands were still gripped to his beanie shaking more, fp didn't need to be a mind reader to know you were thinking the worse. Clearing his throat he reached into his jeans pocket pulling out some money, "hey red, why don't you and Cooper go get us some drinks, I'm sure y/n could do with a coffee now I know I can" he said. Archie got up taking the money from fp, "don't rush" fp said low to him so you wouldn't hear. Archie nodded opening the door as him and Betty left. Part of you didn't really notice them get up and go but you'd heard the door open and close. "y/n" fp said low looking at you. "he'll be okay" he tries to say, "I know it's hard but we have to think of the positive side" he said this time with a little more meaning. You looked at him nodding, he smiled and kissed the top of your head.

A knock on the door made you look up at a man in a white coat walked in "are you Mr. Jones's family?" he asked. Both you and fp straightened up saying yes together. "well as you know the crash was pretty serious, Forsythe" the door said. "Jughead he prefers Jughead" you correct him knowing it's what Jughead would do. The doctor looked at you, probably feeling sorry for you, the state you looked "sorry Jughead has suffered internal bleeding, and he has also a punctured lung. Our team is still working on stabilizing him. Once we've done that we can assess the rest of the damage, things like broken bones, we know his arm is definitely broken but we want to also x-ray his leg too" as the doctor continues to list things written on his clipboard, your hope started to fade. Your grip on Fp tightens as the doctor started talking about the possibility of brain damage and other worries they have. When he left you looked at Fp your eyes filled with tears "they said he's critical! What if he dies? It's all my fault I texted him telling him to hurry!" you start but your breathing starts to become rapid. Fp knelt down on the floor grabbing your face "y/n look at me" he demanded "Jughead's strong, he'll fight this! This isn't your fault y/n and Jughead knows that. you have to stay strong y/n for him" he says trying you calm you.

Trying to distract yourself, you look up at him again "why did you tell that nurse I was Jugs girlfriend?" you ask. Fp raises an eyebrow at you "come on y/n don't act like it's not true. You two have liked each other since you were kids. I know Jughead better than he thinks and trust me when I say that boy is in love with you and It's obvious the way you feel for him otherwise you wouldn't be in the state you are now! You might be able to hide it from each other but to the rest of us looking in it's clear you're made for each other" he smiles. "and if I could choose anyone as a daughter in law it would be you y/n" he says as you hug him. His words meant more than anything to you since your father died Fp was the closest thing to a father figure you had. He always had a way to make you feel better, whether it's emotionally better by telling you things will be okay or help with things like school work or helping your mother with repairs around your house. He'd always been there for you. 

When Archie and Betty come back they smile seeing you looking a little better and not the catatonic shell you were when they left. Betty handed you a coffee sitting back down next to Archie. Another hour or more passed, Kevin came in he'd been speaking with his father. He'd found out the driver who'd hit Jughead had been drunk, his breathalyser had come back over the limit. Kevin then went on to say that his dad is waiting to arrest him once he'd been given the all clear to leave, after only suffering a few minor cuts and bruises. Fp jumped up fast heading for the door, everyone stood up all knowing he was going to find the driver. Archie and Kevin both tried to block the doors, "get out if the way!" fp roared at them. Both boys looked at each other Archie giving a shake of his head to Kevin. "what so you can find this driver?" Archie said, squaring his shoulders. "that bastard was drunk and put my son in the hospital. He gets to sit there with a few cuts while my son could die" fp shouted in a rage. "you'll get arrested too if you do" Kevin tried to reason. Fp looked at Kevin to say he didn't care about his dad "move now!" he said again. 

This time you stepped towards him "please don't, Jughead needs you, I need you to be here please don't go" you said putting your hand on his arm. Fp looks down at you knowing if the worst did happen had Jughead did die, you'd be a mess. Growling loud he sat back down next to you, you smile a small thank you when the door opens. It had now been 13 hours since you'd arrived here still waiting for someone, Betty and Kevin had been to find a nurse an hour ago but couldn't find anything out. The doctor from earlier came in, a smile on his face. "it's good news Mr. Jones, we've stopped the bleeding and repaired his punctured lung. We've also put a cast on his foot and arm" he said as he double checked the notes. "when can we see him?" fp asked, the doctor looked around the room "I can take you there now but only two at a time can go in" he answered. 

Everyone looked at you and fp no question of who the two would be. Betty stood up dragging Archie out of his seat too. "I'm so happy he's okay, I think Mr. Jones and y/n will want to go in do come Archie Kevin will come back tomorrow. If he wakes up, send him our love" she said hugging you before leaving with the boys. Kevin with his phone in his hand already texting Cheryl, Toni, and Veronica about Jughead's update. Once they left you looked back at the doctor "if you both follow me I'll take you to him but I have to warn you he's not awake yet and some of the equipment may look at little scary but I assure you that he will make a full recovery" he said leading you through the hospital.

The doctor wasn't lying the machines they had Jug hooked up looked terrifying. A tube down his throat and iv lines into his arms. You gasped at the sight, fp putting his hands on your shoulders leading you in "he'll be okay y/n" he whispered. The doctor and fp spoke most of it you didn't hear, instead, you sat next to Jughead's bed holding his hand willing his eyes to open. When the doctor left fp came over to the other side of Jughead's bed ruffling his hair "hey son, we're here" he said sadly. After that, the room fell silent the only sounds were bleeping from the heart monitor next to you.

Fp looked at the clock another 3 hours had passed and still no movement from Jughead. "y/n do you want" Fp stopped mid-sentence seeing you asleep, your head on the bed and your hand still wrapped tightly in Jugs. Standing up stretching out the stiffness of his body he came over placing his jacket over your body. He looked at the clock 16 hours they'd been at the hospital for, he was surprised you'd lasted that long awake. A nurse came in to do Jughead's obs, fp took the chance to get a drink. Fp stood next to the vending machine, his fist hit the wall as tears fell down his face. He'd kept strong the whole time for y/n, now she was asleep Fp let his emotions out a little. Fp sunk to the floor head in his hands sobbing, a group of people walked past him making fp stand up. Wiping his face he took a deep breath getting his drinks and heading back before ether Jughead or y/n woke without him.

As he comes to the door the nurse was walking out. "sorry" she smiled blushing, fp smiled back "hey, is there any way to tell when he'll wake up?" Fp asked her. She gave a bigger smile looking back into the room, fp followed her gaze to see Jughead eyes half open still sleepy looking down at a sleeping y/n. Fp stepped into the room "glad to see you in the land of the living" he smirked at his son. Jughead groaned trying to sit up a bit more "what happened" he said. Fp looked at him uneasy "what do you remember?" he sad back. Jughead rubbed his face thinking back. "I remember being at the Wyrm with everyone then leaving to meet y/n. A car was on the wrong side of the road, I tried to swerve out the way shutting my eyes on impact then waking up here" he finished.

Fp smiled at least Jug didn't have any memory loss. "yeah a drunk driver hit you, you got rushed into surgery" Fp said hugging Jug. Soon the topic changed from Jughead's injuries to y/n. "from what Betty said, she came in the ambulance with you, she was here when I got here begging a nurse to tell her how you were. Since then she's been in a state of worry, she thinks this was her fault, your accident. Oh by the way I kind of had to tell them she's your girlfriend, they wouldn't tell her anything or let her stay otherwise so play alone if anyone asks" Fp smirked. Jughead smiled at the idea of you being his girlfriend something he'd wanted for longer than he could remember. With his good hand, Jug moved some of your hair out of your face.

The tickle of his fingertips woke you up, your head whipped up to jug smiling at you "Hello sleeping beauty your finally with us" he joked "you're one to talk Mr. we've waited all day for you to get your lazy ass up" you joke back hugging him tightly. "how long was I asleep?" you ask fp. "about half an hour" he said a little disappointed, he'd hoped you'd sleep longer than that. A few minutes later a doctor walked in, at first he was surprised to see both you and fp sat there but smiled "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you both to leave while I examine Mr. Jones. You can come back in the morning" he added to the end when he saw the look on your face. "no please can I stay with him" you begged but the doctor shook his head "I'm afraid it's not allowed" he said as kindly as possible. "come on y/n I'll take you home you can sleep easy knowing Jughead's alright and I promise I'll bring you in first thing in the morning" he said. You looked at him defeated. Giving Jughead a hug maybe a little too tight making him wince you said you'd be back the second they'll let you, before turning and leaving with fp.

The next day you got up at 8 am calling fp to get up too so you could go to see Jughead. When you got there he'd just woken up himself feeling more painful today than he had last night. "you didn't have to come in this early" he laughed looking at the tired groggy look on his dad's face. You both sat down next to him, fp showing him the things he'd packed for him, including his laptop and mobile. You all spent the morning chatting when fp left to get some dinner from pops for you all. "so your message you said you wanted to talk to me! what was it?"  he asked. Before the crash, you had all intention on telling him you loved him but now you were nervous and scared and had lost your bottle. "nothing it's not important I can tell you when you're out if here" you say hoping to deflect the subject. To your luck Archie, Betty Cheryl, and Toni came in, you all spent the day laughing cheering Jughead up. When it was time to go Fp took you home promising to take you back. 

It was a week before they let Jughead come home, longer if the hospital had their way. Over the last 3 weeks, Everyday you went to the trailer to care for him, you'd help cook his and Fp's meals or bring takeout from pops, You'd tidy around the trailer and genuinely keeping Jughead company. The pair of you spent your days watching different movies laughing and joking and enjoying spending time together as you normally would. But being this close had its disadvantages, normally you could push down your feeling for the raven-haired boy but after seeing him almost die those feelings were stronger and harder to ignore. It didn't help the longing looks you both shared or the long touches that felt more than friendly, you wanted to believe what you felt jughead did too but to part of you didn't want a solid answer in case the answer was he didn't share your feelings. 

Today was no different, you had both been sat curled up under a blanket watching so silly TV movie. Like all the other times in the last few days you looked at each other his thumb tracing circles on your arm, the feeling washed over you to kiss him. You stood up quick struggling to control your feelings, saying were about to start cooking now the movie ended when Jughead grabbed your arm, "y/n, the night of the crash" he said. Your heart started to pound, you knew this conversation would come up sooner or later. "Jug I can't remember what I wanted to say when I sent that text" you lied. Jughead rolled his eyes "that's not what I was going to say y/n. I was going to say I was speeding back to pops because there was something I wanted to tell you and if I don't say it now I don't think I'll find the courage again to say it" he rambled. You reached over and held his hand in yours. He looks you in the eyes smiling "y/n, I like you hell I think I love you and I have for a while now. Your my best friend and I..." Jughead started to lose his confidence, his words not finding the right meaning. He remembered what Toni told him about if he can't say it, Jughead land over his lips touching yours. 

You couldn't believe it, you wanted to pinch yourself to make sure it was real. You didn't know what to do, feeling like one of those people on TV who'd won the jackpot and it hadn't sunk in yet. Jughead started to feel nervous you hadn't reacted to his kiss. "please say something!" he said searching your face for any clue to what you were thinking. Biting your lip you looked back at him "I lied to you before" you say. Jughead felt his heart shatter, he'd told you his feelings and you answer by saying you lied, not even acknowledging the words he'd said. Jughead wanted to run if his legs would let him. The touch of your hand broke him out of his panic, "I lied when I said I didn't remember what I wanted to tell you. I actually wanted a conversation similar to this only I wanted to tell you that I love you" you smile at him. He blushed with a smile "you love me?" he asked confirming you'd said what he heard. "yes Jug, I love.." you didn't finish, your words cut off when Jughead kissed you again. This time you kissed him back, your arms wrapped around him as you melted into his kiss. You were both so caught up in each other to notice the door open, a forced cough from Fp made you both jump. "finally glad to see something knocked some sense into the pair of you" Fp smirked more than happy to you together "however I have pops, y/n you staying for dinner I got enough for all of us" he smiled giving you a wink.

The next day Jughead had enough of being stuck in the trailer and wanted to get out. It was Thursday and classed and group day, at pops you helped him up the steps ready to walk through the door. He held your hand as you started walking to a booth at the back. Cheryl saw you both standing up, "my my my what do I spy with my little eye" she said pointing to your hands. Jughead smiled putting his arm around you "wait are two?" Toni asked with a knowing smirk, "yep, where the newest pair to rival choni as cutest couple in Riverdale" you laugh. Cheryl smirked "no one can rival Choni, but I have to admit your are cute and all it took was almost dying for you two to see what the rest of us have seen for years" she smiled. Jughead kissed the top of your head as pop came over taking your orders. You sat in Jugs arms, it was like nothing and everything had changed and all for the better.

[brie-haus]

DNA

I, like many people I know on this same health and wellness journey, have always struggled with weight. I heard the terms ‘big-boned’ and ‘slow metabolism’ thrown around a lot inside and around my family when I was growing up. Starting around puberty I started having to fight like hell to keep from being bigger. At my lowest point I resorted to horrible habits that lead down the dark path of disordered eating that so many can relate to. That journey alone could, and probably one day when I am ready, will be its own blog post. From the time I was old enough to realize that some people can dispense nearly anything, in any quantity into their body and still maintain a slim physique and others of us have to painstakingly watch every calorie we consume, I began to resent my genetic coding.

              Surely that was the problem, right? If some people could eat the same things that I did and didn’t need to work out as hard as I did, or even at all to stay smaller than me, surely my metabolism must be the issue. I realized there was no way to remedy this, it was just the way I was made. I had never really noticed during my childhood that both of my parents and also the overwhelming majority of my family was overweight. Until my mother’s battle with fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis began, a little extra weight had never stopped them from doing anything. My mom used to zoom around our little three bedroom in Winston-Salem keeping a damn near immaculate house (it would have been immaculate if not for me and my brother). My father taught my brother and I how to play basketball, baseball, volleyball, tennis, even badminton from a young age and even served as coach on a few of our teams over the years.

              But here I was, standing in front of this seemingly insurmountable issue: my body was not built equal to others. I want to be clear, it is not that being overweight (eventually even being labeled as ‘morbidly obese’) was my only issue. I began having headaches and migraines when I was just ten years old. When I was eighteen I was diagnosed with acute recurring pancreatitis. My freshman year of high school I realized that my adapting body was now allergic and intolerant to a number of things that I had never had issue with prior. I was in high school when I was told I (already) was showing signs of arthritis in my ankles and knees. These issues are all treatable and I have found ways to cope with every single one of them; they pale in comparison to what millions of people face daily, but I want you to know what I was feeling internally when my initial efforts to lose weight were failing.

              At this point, I was probably 25 or 26. I wasn’t happy with my body shape after I had graduated from college. Like many students, I ate poorly in school and didn’t make exercise the priority that I should have. I overloaded my schedule to ensure I could graduate a full year early and in the process took on an unrealistic amount of stress. I had then, after graduating, thrown myself head first into the work force. Working shortly as a bank teller on my feet all day until I started what is now my career at a lab company. My weight had shot up well above 225 by this point and after injuring myself, I had to sideline myself from the little exercise I had been doing – running with my dog. It certainly seems dramatic now, but at the time I felt thoroughly defeated. Like my body just would not cooperate. I let myself sink deeper and deeper into a depression. My psychiatrist prescribed me medication after medication, each one packing on more pounds. I once took an antipsychotic drug that packed over sixty pounds on me in a little over a month’s time. I knew something needed to change but I couldn’t muster the will to do anything.

              Fast forward to February 2019. I was sitting around one evening looking at some pictures my husband and I had printed from our trip to Bermuda the previous year. He had long since settled in and started playing games on his Xbox for the night but I couldn’t stop studying them. I was so big, the biggest I had ever been. That summer I had been prompted to join Weight Watchers. My starting weight at the beginning of this journey was just over 287 lbs. It startles me even now as I look at the computer screen and see that number staring back. I was a shell of the athlete I had once been. Weight Watchers had not done much, if anything for me. I was flirting with disordered eating again as a result of the plan and had settled back into using exercise as punishment for overeating or not eating the right things before I had decided to quit for my sanity. But February 28, 2019 as I sat there looking at those photos, something inside me clicked into place. I decided that I needed to start exercising again. In a healthy way. In a structured way. On a schedule that I could incorporate into my schedule and stick to. Above all, I needed to be able to hold myself accountable. Or I would fail. I had done it over and over again, failure always the endgame.

              So that Thursday evening, I got up and searched for an overnight bag small enough to serve as a gym bag. I packed all the essentials I would need to get ready in various sized plastic baggies and tucked them all into my makeshift gym bag along with a towel, work outfit and accessories, earbuds, straight iron, and hair dryer. I set my alarms. I sat out a water bottle for the morning. I laid out the closest thing I had to workout clothes, some black yoga pants, a tshirt, and a sports bra. Sat them on top of my socks and shoes. Something amazing happened the next morning that shocked even me: I got up and actually went to the gym. I don’t even remember how long I did each thing or what all I did, only that I went and gave it my all. And then I kept going and kept going.

              That first morning at the gym I posted to my story on Instagram about my workout. It was my way of keeping myself accountable. I knew I had to put myself out there and risk everyone knowing if I failed to keep myself determined and accountable. Those accountability posts evolved over time and now include pics of my Fitbit showing my workout stats, a sweaty selfie (always now!), and the screens from machines I’ve used showing distance, or various pieces of equipment I’ve used during a workout. Over time I eventually decided to repurpose an old Instagram account specifically for my fitness journey to help inspire others who are trying to find the motivation to do amazing things in their own lives, or need an accountability buddy.

              Everything was going pretty well until one night last summer my mom called me and told me they were taking dad to the emergency room for chest pain. They were sure it was just horrible indigestion but Byron and I felt differently. Our worst fears were confirmed when he required a second dose of nitroglycerin. They transferred him after some testing to a bigger area hospital and he was admitted. They scheduled a scan to determine damage, blockages, etc. Then everything was moved up. I left work and Byron did too. They determined that my dad had a total of five blockages and would require a quadruple bypass. In between meetings with the medical staff, trying to keep my dad’s spirits up, and calming my mother’s nerves I looked up as much about the procedures, long term effects, required hospitalization, etc until I couldn’t read anymore. The day came for his surgery with what felt like turbo speed. A kind staff volunteer led me back to the prep room where my dad was being prepped for surgery and meeting his various team members. I told my dad how much I loved him, what he meant to us and kissed him before stepping out into the hallway, rounding the corner and collapsing. I cried harder in those five minutes than I have ever cried in my entire life. And my husband can tell you, I am a crier. I hoped my dad would make it through the surgery, but we had no certainty. And if he did make it, I was almost certain things would never be the same.

              I did all the things you are supposed to do when a relative discovers they have heart disease: told my PCP, got blood work done, had a visit with a cardiologist, underwent the ECG and stress tests to determine I am not at risk right now. I was so frustrated when I made the first of those appointments, thinking selfishly to myself how my genetics were just the gift that keeps on giving. I know it seems callous but that was my honest thought coming through all of this. If we weren’t at risk, none of this would have happened.

              I’ll fast forward again here, my dad recovered fine and entered the cardiac rehab program via the hospital. The Cardiac Rehab program was an immense blessing to our family. Many of the family’s questions regarding the new normal and expectations during recovery were answered. It taught my parents healthier alternatives for meals and what my dad should be eating to keep his risks for a repeat event as low as possible. Additionally, the rehab program helped him build his strength back up by slowing introducing a cardio routine. Even though by this point I had been working on regularly for the better part of the year, I still learned quite a few things from my dad’s rehab instruction. He is still not 100% but he is well on his way, with new habits in hand to boot.

              During my dad’s cardiac rehab program, I gave him one of my old Fitbit watches that I was no longer using. We synced up and started challenging one another to weekly step challenges. On days that I barely felt like getting up and going to work, let alone working out, I found my dad’s journey especially inspirational in helping me get out of bed and exercise anyway. If he could have his chest opened up, his ribs broken and sewn back together and his heart literally stopped for a short while and he could recover and show my ass up on a challenge, I needed to up my game. I needed to dig deeper. And I have always been up for a good challenge.

              One morning I was at Planet Fitness on the treadmill, when a song by Kendrick Lamar came on my playlist. I had heard it what seems like 1,000 times before and it had always been a ‘get your blood flowing’ kind of song, like most of his stuff is for me. But this particular morning, it really struck a chord with me. “DNA” talks about how one is built, whether you have ambition, whether you hustle hard. I knew in that moment, taking in every single second of this rap song with new eyes, that your DNA isn’t about your metabolism, or your hair color, or your susceptibility to allergies or headaches. Your DNA is about what is instilled in you. Whether you have grit. Whether you get back up every time you get knocked down or you stay down and make excuses. My dad, my hero, my first role model, has shown me not just in our coaching years but in his fire to get back up and show life what he’s got is what DNA is all about. That fire that burns deeply within me is in large part due to him. I am so thankful that he is still here and for this kick-ass DNA that he has given me.

[classycollectorartisanposts-blog]

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

"How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

last week i hit a deer with my car, not on purpose on accident the deer rain right out in front of my car and it messed up my car pretty badly, i cant open my right passenger front door, and i have an adjuster coming out to look at my ca will they cut me a check right today that is what someone had told me i was wondering if that is true or not.

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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We're thinking of changing insurance companies. I want to do some calling around for quotes. What kind of questions should I be prepared to answer, aside from what model/yr of the vehicle, my age, etc.""

What is the name of the song on the JUST CAR insurance add on MTV ?

It the one with errbody beatboxing and this FLii as dude driving around with his blue car. There is an old as asian dude beatboxing and a couple of hot chicks as well. pls pls pls ...show more

What is the cheapest/reliable car insurance company in Miami Florida ?

I have clean record, 34 years old.""

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

last week i hit a deer with my car, not on purpose on accident the deer rain right out in front of my car and it messed up my car pretty badly, i cant open my right passenger front door, and i have an adjuster coming out to look at my ca will they cut me a check right today that is what someone had told me i was wondering if that is true or not.

What happens if i get caught without licence but with an insurance?

i am 18 and i have a car with insurance at my name what will happen if i get caught i am from california?

How much is car ins. per month for teens?

For full coverage, which includes, uninsured, underinsured, rental car and a low deductible, etc. . I am wondering if my teen is paying too much for car insurance? How much do you pay and what company is it through? I am curious to see if we're paying too much!! Thanks!""

Can you get insurance with a suspended license?

i asked a question earlier about my friend's loser bf who has a suspended license and says he is going to buy a car from a used car dealer my friend (who is stupid) is going to get him the loan to pay for the car he says HE will pay on the loan (i doubt it) i say you need insurance for a car loan but she may just get him just a loan i dunno what that means anyway i know you need proof of insurance for a car loan he says he has been forging his insurance for years i still say they are going to check on it for the loan again i am trying to prove him wrong but can a person get car insurance with a suspended license?

Good Renters Insurance?

What's a good renter's insurance company and the approximate cost ?

Assurant health insurance or Humana One?

Which do you think is better? I'm looking into high deductible insurance..And can't decide between the 2..And what about dental? How is basic dental compared to discpunt dental if I know I am going to need some work done (i.e. cavities and wisdom teeth are all grown in-i want them out)...Any input would be appreciated.

Is it cheaper to buy your own insurance or go on your parents insurance?

I was looking at prices online for one person and it's between 2K and - 3k for 6 Months just for me and my friends are own there parents insurance and they only pay 100 - 200 a month is that true about that? Where close to the same age.

Motorcycle insurance?

I'm just wondering how much this will cost if I get one in the future. I'm 17. I have had a car accident recently (last thanksgiving). And yes, I was at fault. I don't feel like naming my excuses... the insurance companies won't care anyway. But don't worry, no one was hurt. So anyway... what prices are we looking at if... 1. I get it now with my parents insurance? (we own four cars... I already have one) 2. I wait until I'm 18 and move out to a college dorm and have it as my only vehicle? 3. sport bike vs regular bike? 4. I wait a few years until the car accident is off my record? No lectures about safety please. just give me some numbers.""

What is the cheapest insurance for a 17 year old driver?

What is the cheapest insurance for a 17 year old driver?

Aircraft insurance rates with DUI/DWI charge?

If one is a partner in a small aircraft, what effect does a potential DUI/DWI have on aircraft insurance rates?""

Is it illegal to use a wrong address on your car insurance?

I want to use the address my dad lives at for my car insurance because it makes my insurance 200 cheaper. It is my registered address and my driving license, bills and bank is addressed there but I don't technically live there anymore. I live between my boyfriend and another parents house. What is the deal with this?""

Can you get auto insurance with policy dated back a couple days?

I got a ticket for 5 over, I have a clean record but no insurance, can I buy insurance that will back up that date. It was sat the 14th""

How cheap is car insurance for a 16 year-old Floridian boy driving a 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer?

I'm a 16 yo dude in Florida wanting car insurance for my 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer and I have never gotten any ticket of any kind. I have not violated any rules....yet.

Why does my car insurance go up when I add on an Immobilizer?

I got a quote for 610 WITHOUT an immobilizer. Just found out I do infact have an immobilizer on my car so amended the car insurance quote and it went up 20 to 630... I thought an Immobilizer would take down the price!

Car insurance question?

To cancel car insurance will be 480 plus 50 admin fee to cancel this now ive lost my job. ive had insurance for 2 months and know they are all doing this cancellation fee now but i only got a car for work purposes and now they've made me redundant how i am expected to pay the 530? what can i do is there any options because i simply cant afford that amount.

Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?

Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?

""How old you need to be for classic car insurance , im 22 and have a 22 yr old car?

?

What is the cheapest online auto insurance company?

As noted, the cheapest company, regardless of whether I have to sign up online or whatever.""

Car insurance?

if you have never had car insurance before which is the most least expensive one to go for?also about how much does it cost? if you only have one vehicle and one person on the account.

Do I need car insurance?

I am getting my permit in a week. Do my parents need to add me to the car insurance policy?

Anybody know the cheapest way to get car insurance?

Im 18/ female and this will be my first car , first time driving...prices are soo high it's hard to get cheap insurance at my age being a new driver. Does anyone know a loophole or just a way to get it real cheap?""

Is there any insurance company that will insure horses 17 and over to cover illness.?

Is there any insurance company that will insure horses 17 and over to cover illness.?

Insurance on a cbr 600rr for a 20 year old in California?

Ive had my normal license (California) for 3 years and just got my motorcycle license. I am looking to buy a street bike, a sport bike specifically. I've looked at all the sporty bikes from 250 to 1000 and I plan on getting a 600 because I've been riding dirtbikes since I could walk so I know I'd get bored of a 250 but at the same time I know I'd kill myself on a 1000. I have a clean driving record aside from one speeding ticket(wasn't even speeding horribly) and a couple parking tickets. So what I'm ultimately trying to figure out is what the cost of my insurance would be and what insurance provider would give me the best coverage on my bike. I know I plan on getting liability since it is cheaper but any and all insight or examples would be very helpful. *people on yahoo love to hate on questions, so if you're one of those poeple, don't even comment. I know how bikes work and I've ridden them before, just need advice on insurance. Thank you!!""

Where to find cheap auto insurance in florida?

We are relocating to port richey florida and I am trying to find a cheap auto insurance company

Car leasing and insurance?

Hi All, My partner is 24 years old and has 6 points on his license for driving uninsured with a provisional license. He now has a license but is obviously having major troubles with insurance prices. We are looking into purchasing a lease car with insurance in the cost, can anyone recommend? We want something identical to the NHS fleet service until we can clear the points but no friends or family work there so unfortunately we are not legible to apply for this. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance, Emma""

I was in a car accident and didnt have car insurance..?

the other car is totaled... what do i do ?? can i get insuranse somewhere now who will cover a past wreck???

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

last week i hit a deer with my car, not on purpose on accident the deer rain right out in front of my car and it messed up my car pretty badly, i cant open my right passenger front door, and i have an adjuster coming out to look at my ca will they cut me a check right today that is what someone had told me i was wondering if that is true or not.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-auto-insurance-simple-carplease-help-dylan-perry/"

[epicurioustraveler]

Day 2–

Around 6 am we awoke half frozen as our generator had quit around 04:30. I started the CV and let it run on diesel providing us the heat we desperately needed for another 3 hours. What I would learn on this trip is that Anthony wouldn’t get out of the comfort and warmth of the Coleman sleeping bag unless he absolutely had to climb out. Daylight broke around 09:30 and we escaped the comfort of the warmth to take some pics, potty au naturale and brush our teeth. It was only a short trip up the road to our next stop, the Myvatn Geysirs and hot springs. The putrid scent of ‘smelly farts’ permeated the frigid air causing Anthony to nearly throw up. I was fine. I grew up with the smell of sulfur coming through our pipes from our well water in Nashville, TN.

From there with Anthony seated comfortably behind the wheel, a la Del Griffith, we headed across the street in our CV, up snow covered roads to try to peer into a volcano pit. Here is where life took an interesting twist. Del, I mean Anthony, cracking his knuckles and clearing his nasal passages, turned our front tires into about 8 inches of snow that hid about one half inch of ice. In case you are clueless as to what this means, we were stuck. And badly. He blames me for this. And to be fair, he might be correct. Far away from any road where it would be easy to retrieve help from passers by we had to dig out on our own. But with what? This is where McGyver would be proud of us. Scrounging through the CV we could only find a bread cutting knife, a butcher knife and tools for replacing a blown tire. Oh, and a 12 inch long, 6 inch wide green cutting board which I intelligently, or lack thereof, would have serve as our support for finding grip for a tire. I failed to mention, the CV was a front wheel drive. So with two front tires buried in eight inches of snow unable to gain any traction and with all the weight of the vehicle loaded on top of those tires, we were properly f***ed (a.k.a., screwed, fubar, S.O.L, etc.)! After picking away ice with these knives for about 30 minutes – not the type of day I was expecting on my birthday – I began to believe that I would go out of this world on the same day 43 years later that I came into it. And based upon my actual delivery time my mom tells me, almost to the hour central standard time. But never one to give up and with my knees near frost bite, fingers numb under their gloves and my face beginning to go expressionless like Nancy Pelosi’s after her botched cosmetic surgeries, I finally found gravel. Hallelujah!

Leaving my side to check on Anthony’s progress we needed a bit more chiseling behind that tire. I took over and about 5 minutes later I hit gravel there. Here is where we could have really used the cutting board but it it had shot forward and was buried under 8 inches of snow from an earlier attempt before we found gravel. A slight panic took over me that if we couldn’t free ourselves at this juncture then our lives were surely going to end clinging to a Pringle’s can, stuffed in a Coleman sleeping bag in the back of a CV, near the lip of a volcano. I climbed behind the wheel, slapped her in reverse, revved the engine and hit the accelerator. We were free!  Thank God! After marveling at our brilliance of getting ourselves out with what feeble utensils we had at our disposal, Anthony and I gave each other a gentle “glad to be alive” hug, laughed for second at the peril we must escaped and then were headed back to the open road to continue eastward.

  After this grueling and exhausting dig out, we needed to refuel. Now, with Neal Page firmly in the drivers seat (for what would be the remainder of our road trip) we pulled off the road and found a picnic table near more Icelandic horses to relax with and enjoy the -10 Celcius weather as we dined on Pringle’s and PB&J. From there, the day’s stretch of frozen road seemed like what Mar’s landscape must have looked like when troglodytes were hibernating deep inside our frozen sphere billions of years ago, or 6,000 years to the creationists. Randomly, along this drive we would be greeted with a picturesque river of frozen stalactite cliffs of ice stretching themselves for the running waters as if they wanted a first hand experience of the frigid rapids that would await them should they let go of their comfortable home. Happening upon such a river we saw an Audi that had found itself into a similar situation as Anthony had just 3 hours earlier. Only this car had found itself closer to being on 3 wheels and about a foot deeper. We pulled along side and introduced ourselves. Guido and Tom were all smiles as they realized they wouldn’t die alone on this lonely stretch of highway. Pulling the CV onto a side road, we walked back to their location but unfortunately could do nothing to help them. Given we had two bent knives and a scarred for life cutting board, we were SOL at offering them a helping hand. They understood and had no hard feelings about it. About the time we arrived at the bridge to snap some photos, a local chap pulled up in his Landcruiser to help. The struggle was real, but after a few attempts he succeeded in freeing them from their demise.

Moral of these ‘getting stuck’ stories? Asians seem to be much better drivers on Iceland’s roads than the English and the Dutch apparently. Wish I could say differently. So disregard my stereotype from earlier and apply it to European white 30/40’somethings.

After they were saved, Guido and Tom pulled their car near our CV and we made fast friends. In fact, check out their IG accounts as they are fantastic photographers (@ditchieslife and @trex.photography). I stayed in communication with them for the rest of our trip and saw some of their amazing pictures. Driving off, Anthony and I had polished off another can of Pringle’s. Arriving into the next town, which was about 15 km’s away, and adding fuel to the gas tank, we were at least three hours from Hofn. I would need more fuel as well. So another PB&J found its way into my stomach.

We learned that Route 1 was closed for about a 70km stretch so we diverted to route 92. “Thank you” to the nameless gentleman at the N1 who helped us avoid catastrophe. Knowing Anthony would have preferred to just ‘give it a try’ we were lucky we didn’t end up like we had hours earlier. But running out of daylight quickly we pressed onward on the only route we could. We made it into Hofn and found a not so quaint little harbor to call home for the night. With the snow falling fast Anthony got out the stove, dropped some chicken and beef Ramen noodles into the pot of water and set it to boil. Looking forward to something different than bread and chips, as well as a cup of hot tea, we proceeded to nearly torch the inside of the van as Anthony switched canisters as the original one had run out of gas. As the flames hit the ceiling of the van, we were lucky that the shag carpet (sarcasm, sort of) that lined the interior didn’t catch fire. We looked at each other for about 2 seconds wondering which one of us would open the door and which one would throw the stove out into the cold in case this got out of hand. Within a few seconds the flames had subsided as Anthony hastily disconnected the canister from its pilot. Apparently, our CV had more than 2 lives that day as we had slipped the surly bonds of frozen death 9 hours earlier atop a volcano and then avoided a back draft fire chamber as the night concluded.

Having learned to not start the generator two hours before we needed it and to then not turn it to full blast so that it would expire inside of four hours, we slept cozily through the night. And after not dying on my birthday, a cozy, warm and long nights sleep was much warranted.

Just moments before the stove went up in flames, I was enjoying some hot tea and getting ready for Ramen

After a day of mishaps it’s lucky for us and our vehicle that we didn’t turn out like Del Griffith and Neal Page in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles…

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Dying On My Birthday? Day 2- Around 6 am we awoke half frozen as our generator had quit around 04:30. I started the CV and let it run on diesel providing us the heat we desperately needed for another 3 hours.