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jpegjade · 4 years

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Sugar Rush - Spencer

Request: DUDE CAN I HAVE A FIC WHERE THE READER IS ON A SUGAR RUSH AND SPENCE HAS TO DEAL WITH IT I MIGHT BE ON ONE RIGHT NOW BUT THATS NOT IMPORTANT

Warnings: none, really. suggestive theme occasionally but nothing too bad. fluffy sugar high.

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“It’s 2 am, how are you on a sugar high?” Spencer was laying on the bed, fingers tapping a little beat on his chest.

“I had two coffee cups at 5, a bag of skittles, and two sour patch share bags. Not to mention all the sugar i had before then.” You were flipping through your playlist, looking for an upbeat, energetic song to dance to.

You had been bouncing off the walls in the apartment. Since you hadn’t left to go anywhere recently, you were bound to get pent up, in more ways than one. Right now, it was time for a well planned sugar high.

“You’re telling me that you were indulging in sugar past 6? I thought we talked about the effects that had on you last time we did an intervention.” Spencer sat up on the bed, watching you bounce around, hopping from one foot to the other.

“Yes, we did, and the conclusion was that I shouldn’t do it, not that I couldn’t do it.” You said, finally deciding on a song.

Spencer had a very different taste in music than you but he didn’t mind it at all. He liked the differences because there were some songs that got stuck in his head. He really liked indie music and the classics. Rock wasn’t too bad and he had an appreciation for hip-hop as well, especially the infectious beats. Pop music was something he could sing along to with you in the car because it was the same song over and over again while his appreciation for other genres depended on the song. Latin was his favorite to move his hips to, however he could be a little uncoordinated and stepped on your feet. Regardless, your appreciation for music rubbed off on him and he learned a lot about you through what you were playing.

“I'm so psyched for tomorrow.” You said, putting on something catchy, something he didn’t recognize. It must be new.

“What’s happening tomorrow?” He said, looking at you curiously.

“I get to wake up to you, silly.” You were smiling as big as you could, just happy to be his. “I’m yours, baby. I’m all yours.”

You hopped in the bed, straddling your boyfriend and giving him kisses all over his face. HIs hands rested on your thighs as you continued to sing. He loved when you were comfortable enough to sing around him. It meant you trusted him not to judge you. You worried about that a lot, people judging you. He tapped his hands to the music and smiled up at you. You didn’t have to worry about him judging you.

“You know I love you, right?” He said, his eyes looking like he was going to cry. He was just sleepy. His eyes always got watery when he was sleepy and then he started rubbing them. His hands were soft.

“Noooo, baby. Don’t go to sleep. I just want to make out with you and grind my hips like thiiiiis.” You said, moving with the music.

Spencer smirked but he couldn’t help but yawn. He covered it with his hand and then rubbed his hands over his eyes.

“Okay, I’ll stay up with you until you crash.” He said, knowing your sugar rush couldn’t last too much longer.

“Great, dance with me.” You hopped off of him, walking towards your phone to turn up the music while Spencer slid out of the bed.

You noticed how low his sweats were on his hips and you couldn’t stop staring.

“Eyes up here, baby.” He said, pulling you into his arms.

One hand on your hip and the other intertwining your fingers, he started to sway with you. The music was faster but it was all he could handle with how tired he was.

“Can I ask you something?” You said, laying your head on Spencer’s chest.

“No, I don’t know everything. But if the team asks you that, you’re supposed to answer that I am the all knowing, okay?” Spencer said.

“Funny but no.” You said, earning a chuckle from him. You heard it in his chest. You wanted to see if you could hear a change in his heartbeat.

“Do you really love me?” You asked and waited a moment.

His heartbeat sped up.

“Why would you ask that?” He pulled away a little, looking down at you.

“I just want to know...Sometime I need reassurance because I love you a lot and I want to know that you still love me, even when I’m like this.” You said, not breaking eye contact.

“You know I will love you now, tomorrow, and every day until I take my last breath. And then I will love you beyond that.” He said, continuing to sway with you.

He dipped you, meeting you in the middle to kiss you, before bringing you back up.

“You’re perfect, you know that?” You said, letting go of him to twirl around the room.

When you climbed on the bed, you were just rolling around while he stared at you. Slowly, you started getting tired. The crash was hitting you just that quickly.

“Oh shit.” You said, quickly hitting that sugar wall.

“There it is.” Spencer said, rubbing his eyes once more.

He climbed into bed, positioning himself next to you. You were laying on your back so he did the same. He grabbed your hand in his, staring up at the sticky stars you had placed on the ceiling earlier that day.

“Look at them. God they’re beautiful.” You said, yawning.

Spencer chuckled, knowing that you were joking. He wasn’t sure how you got the glowing star stickers up there but all you knew was they were up there and actually pretty accurate.

“They’re accurate enough for me to appreciate the effort you put into putting them up there. Good job, love.”

He looked over at you to find you sleeping already. He gave you a kiss on your forehead before he dozed off himself.

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Tags:

@winchestertardis

@ancailinaerach

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #dr spencer reid #mgg

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chikkou · 4 years

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Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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argumentl · 4 years

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The Freedom of Expression Ep 13 - No re-selection for Olympic marathon representatives.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, getting started with another episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. So, hows it going?

J: Hows it going indeed.

K: Ah, my glasses started to fog up too.

J: Oh, did they? My glasses were fogging up at the end of the last episode. I thought I'd take them off this time. I'll do it without them.

K: Yeah.

J: Its got to the point where there's no news that isn't corona...

K: Well, it can't be helped. There really isn't is there?

K: What about at Tokyo Sports? Are you running non-corona related stories?

T: As expected, its almost all corona related.

J: All corona?

T: Yeah. It doesn't get much interest if its something else. Sometimes we'll do stuff like an exclusive inside story reveal on old pro wrestlers today, like Jumbo Tsurata or something. The listeners might or might not know Jumbo Tsurata...

K: Ah, I loved All Japan Pro-Wrestling.

J: Ah, so you must like Tsurata san?

K: I used to watch the fights between Tsurata san and Misawa san etc all the time.

T: Ohh, yeah.

J: Tsurata san had a lot of fighting spirit, like, 'Ouughh!', but he seemed like he wasn't quite angry.

K: Right. He was big, but he was also kinda cute.

J: Thats right. He didn't seem that wild.

K: He seemed almost gentle/soft.

J: He actually graduated from Chuo University, he's quite the elite. He hid that part of himself, and in that world of tough guy pro wrestlers, he showed himself as quite gentle.

T: He was really popular, wasn't he?

J: He was. *To K* Ah, so you were a fan of All Japan?

K: Well, both. I watched New Japan Pro-wrestling too. But when that big group of All Japan wrestlers came out, and Misawa and others came out, it got kinda dangerous. Falling on thier heads, it got popular from then *1. .Ok, the theme this time please.

J: Yes, Lets start the topic. Well, its related to corona, but I thought it was interesting. This has to do with the Olympics which have been postponed to 2021..

'No re-selection for 2021 Olympic Marathon runners. Due to the effect of coronavirus, meetings to select Olympic representatives for some events have been postponed or cancelled, but for others the representatives for 2021 have already been unofficially confirmed. A case in point is the treasure of the Olympics, the marathon. Responding to interview on the 25th of March, project leader of the plan to strengthen the marathon, Seko Toshihiko of the Japan Association of Athletic Federations said about the decision, "These are six people we've chosen with confidence. I'd like to protect the rights of the candidates." The official decision will be made by the Japan Association of Athletics Federations Council in June, but there are no plans to hold re-elections for the mens' nor the womens' event.' Well, as this is sports related, can you explain this more simply, Tasai san?

T: Well, its because its been postponed that there's a problem. Should they choose new candidates for next year or not? Well, for the competition, they made this decision for the marathon. There are pros and cons to this, but they really want to respect the athletes who would have had a good chance at winning in 2020.

J: Is this normal in the rest of the world? I don't know anything about sports.

T: Well, postponing the Olympics is kinda unknow in the world, so..

J: There is no precedent?

T: Yeah. If you look from the athletes perspective, there are those who are at thier peak now, but there are also those who might be ready to take a gold medal by 2021...so which do you choose?

K: They have to decide on the whole. Because even people who weren't chosen for 2020 might be able to compete from now on. So they need to decide either just go with the people who were chosen for 2020, or to rechoose for next year.

J: Yeah, if there is both..well, the marathon might become the only unique case, so choosing the candidates once..

K: Hey, but the athletes...Oh, Im sorry! (for interrupting)....there might be some athletes who end up saying they want to quit.

J: There will be. After the postponement, there will be some athletes who decide to withdraw, right?

K: Yeah.

J: Kaoru, you are not an athlete, but if you are producing a live show, working out the costs, starting rehearsals and feeling the tension rise...if that was postponed, wouldn't you naturally feel a little..?*2

K: Well, if we can't be active for the time being, then we think about what we can do after that right? But I do sometimes get the feeling that it might not go as planned at all. *3

J: I see, yeah. What to do about this? I mean, Im always saying this, but wouldn't it be better to just cancel the Tokyo Olympics?

T: Its difficult, isn't it.

J: Because, even doing it next year might be a bit risky. It might be too quick for people to be ready for it..and with so many people having taken a lot of economic damage, only a small number of people would end up coming, right? Like, would it work?...And then if they could do it this year, if we didn't have this issue...Well, im opposed to that too, im always coming from an opposition stance...Well, I do hope that whatever is decided suceeds. But yeah, next year might be risky, it seems like theres a lot of pressure to do it. And also, Abe's term as PM will end in September next year, so its a great time for him to be seen as the one who made the Olympics a success if they finish in August. A two year postponement has been totally ruled out, so if you think about all this, its not really putting the athletes first, so wouldn't it be better to just call it off?

T: Its difficult to know whether to do that, since it has cost this much money so far.

K: If the chosen athletes can't compete now, they eventually might not be able to, right? Cause there are those countries who can carry on with training, and those who cannot. We'll be able to see a difference.

J: Well I think the European athletes are facing a really tough situation, and theres also the risk of having large scale movements of people. If that happens, well, if Japan says the Olympics must go ahead next year, whilst internationally corona is becoming a long term thing, I think we might see some contradictions.

K: But of course, if they were able to do it, that would be the best, if we have a world in which they are able to...that would be the best.

J: Yes, yes. If it can go ahead, the athletes will be under no fault, and it will just be a good memory.

K: I wonder if they will do it with no spectators?

J: Right, no spectators?

T: Its interesting, but I wonder how they would pull it off..

J: But I feel...well, im not an athlete, so emitting the athletes feeling for a moment...its broadcast worldwide isn't it? So the amount of people watching at the venues is probably only about 1% of the total viewers. So..they could just have no spectators at the venues and just do it all by boadcast?

T: But if there are no spectators there, won't there be fewer new world records? There won't be the tension there.

K: Ahh, yeah.

J: If there are no spectators?

K: Well, it depends on the person. There might be people who are calmer if there are no spectators, or there might be people who can't psyche themselves up without a crowd.

J: Ahh...Kami is quiet today isn't he? Aren't you here today?

Kami: (in a quiet voice) No, im here, im here.

J: Ah, you're here.

Kami: Yeah.

J: Your voice sounds like a buzzing mosquito.

Kami: I've just been thi...thinking a lot.

J: Oh right. Kami, are you well?

Kami: Indeed

K: Indeed (*laughs*)

Kami: Yeah, Im well.

J: Um, I have a question for you...Do you have anything to do with coronavirus, Kami? Its a strange question, but..

Kami: Nothing at all to do with it.

J: Oh really?

T: Ahh, so cool.

J: Yeah, cool.

Kami: Cause gods can't die.

J: Oh, gods right? Yeah yeah.

K: But you still get hungry and stuff, right? And you have to earn money, right?

J: Yeah yeah.

Kami: Thats right.

J: Do you produce bodily excrement?

Kami: What?

J: Do you have bodily excrement?

T: Do you use the toilet?

Kami: Yes, I do.

K: *laughs*

J: What a small voice! You're not feeling well today, right?

Kami: What?

J: You're not feeling well?

Kami: No, no, Im fine.

J: Oh, you're ok?

Kami: Im feeeling good!

J: Are you?

Kami: Yeah, I've just been listening to the conversation.

J: Ahh, oh right. What did you think?

Kami: I've been thinking, "oh, I see" and stuff.

J: What was your impression?

Kami: What?

J: What was your impression about the Olympics? This marathon issue.

Kami: The Olympics? Well, even if you say that the people who were chosen for this year have thier rights, times are changing, so I think its ok to start a new competition again. The athletes themselves will have a new sense of ambition, and i think its a bit odd to talk about having rights within a competition. Its better to re-start the game.

T: Right, I see

J: Well, yeah...Because rather than who has the right, its originally a contest of who is the fastest, who is the highest..

Kami: Thats it.

J: Its all about gathering the best people within that time.

K: Well yeah. These marathon people will end up looking like they're not word number ones.

T: For sure.

K: Like, 'Are they really the best now?'...

J: Its hard

K: Yeah, it is.

Kami: A long time ago, Asada Mao was too small to compete, but she was really strong.

J: Yeah, yeah.

Kami: If they see stuff like that, they'll wonder why they can't compete and they might loose thier dream.

J: Inculding Kami, it seems like we 4 guys don't exercise at all.

K:*laughs*

J: We are lacking persuasion power somehow

K: We are just offering our wisdom from the outside.

J: Right. Its a bit..

Kami: If anything, its e-sports are the way.

K: Oh, e-sports?

Kami: It would be good if there were e-sports on Dragon Quest.

T: e-sports on Dragon Quest? The Dragon quest casino...(gets cut off by kami)

Kami : Like, who ..no no, who has the highest bill or something.

T: Ahh..I see.

J: Money again?! Honestly, Kami..

Kami: Mr Son at Softbank would be winning right?

J: Ahh, I see. I've never been sure if Kami is a god or a devil.

Kami: No, no, Im a god.

J: You insist you're a god.

K: Ok..

Kami: Yes..Well, there are many types though. Gods of poverty and such.

J: Huh?

Kami: They are gods of poverty, gods of plauge..

J: Oh, I see. As for gods like that, id rather they didn't appear on this show.

Kami:.....

K: He's lost for words! *laughs*

T: He seems sad!

J: He's a bit sad now *laughs* Kami, you weren't very energetic today, are you ok?

Kami: No, im loosing my energy because you keep saying that.

*everyone laughs*

K: Topics about the Olympics are lacking a little something right?

J: It might be that, yeah.

K: Well, lets hope for a more energetic Kami next time.

J, T: Yeah.

K: Well, lets finish here, thank you. Please subscribe

*1 I literally know nothing about Japanese pro wrestling.

*2 Couldn't catch this.

*3 Slightly unsure I got that right.

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #tfoe #kaoru #薫

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honeyopinion · 3 years

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20/20 Albums of the Year

Circles by Mac Miller | Hip-Hop, Soul, Funk Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For... Pouring One Out for Mac

I wrote a few different drafts of this album summary, and none of them felt like they really fit the impossibly large bill of accurately describing the posthumous importance or brilliance of this album. If you are a fan of hip-hop or soul music of any kind, try to give this piece of work a chance. I for one, used to judge Mac based on his early frat rap days in the late 2000s. But a decade later he came to leave the world with one of the most surprising and frankly impressive artistic evolutions that I’ve been able to witness in real time. RIP Mac.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora

Start With: “Circles” or “Everybody”

Marigold by Pinegrove | Alternative Country and Folk Rock Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For… Passing Through a Small Town on a Cloudy Winter Day

Pinegrove was one of the last great concerts I got to experience before the pandemic. And it was my favorite performance of theirs from the last 6 years of seeing them play live. Is this my favorite album of theirs? Honestly, it’s not. But I still find it extremely enjoyable, and the memory of seeing these songs performed live, along with some of their classics, was enough for me to include it on this list. This is an album that marks Pinegrove’s exit from their pop punk roots. It’s still sentimental, but much more country and folk rock focused vs. anything trying to be associated with emo or punk.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora Start With: “The Alarmist” or “No Drugs”

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself by Okay Kaya | Synth Pop, Art Rock, Folk Released: January 24, 2020

Best Album For… Crywanking at 3am, Bathed in The Dull Light of Your Overheating Laptop

What if Feist and Father John Misty had a secret love child? They might sound something like Okay Kaya. Self proclaimed “Singer ~ Crywanker,” Okay Kaya brings serious BDE to weirdo art pop that she seems like she could be a plant from the mind of Nathan Fielder. Kaya delivers with such deadpan precision as she rolls out line after line of sarcastic joy, staring blankly at our dystopian reality. “Here I am, the whole world is my daddy,” “Netflix and yeast infection,” “Sex with me is mediocre,” “I just want us to do well like Jon Bon Jovi’s Rosê,” and, “My parasite and I are blushing / In the zero interaction ramen bar,” are just a few examples of some of her memorable and biting lyrics. The entire album is both a critique and nihilistic fondness for the absurdity of our lonely technological society, not quite sure how to deal with taboos like repressed female sexuality, depression, and codependency.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora

Start With: “Baby Little Tween” or “Asexual Wellbeing”

UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats | Hip-Hop Released: February 7, 2020

Best Album For... Nodding Your Damn Head To, Feeling Cooler Than You Actually Are

I had to double check that this was an album. Clocking in under 20 minutes, this collection of songs feels more like an EP, especially with the track titles that purposefully look like file names and placeholders. But for a short album, Denzel wastes no time, furiously zigging and zagging effortlessly over Kenny Beats’ 90s New York-indebted production (ad libs and all). Kenny pulls out samples of an array of pop culture references made by Denzel (like quotes from movies and weapon sound effects like a lightsaber) — as he rotates his flow between admirable impressions of DMX, Nas, and Joey Bada$$.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora

Start With: “So.Incredible.pkg” or “DIET_”

Cardboard City by Zack Villere | Pop, Electronic, R&B Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For… Pal-ing Around With Your Friends From High School, Maybe Quoting Superbad At The Same Time

The first time I watched a music video from Zack Villere, I noticed the top comment said: “how did frank ocean get trapped in mark zuckerberg.” And while that definitely gets at the heart of how Zack Villere presents himself, he is not a phenomenal singer like Frank Ocean is, nor does he come off as an asshole like Mark Zuckerberg does. I would say that he is just a slightly awkward nerdy white guy who loves hip-hop production and R&B melodies. So the better question is really, “how did drake get trapped in michael cera?” This premise should not work at all, but somehow it does. This is only Villere’s second album, but he shows some serious production and songwriting chops, plus a commitment to his delivery that comes across as genuine, charming, and unique.

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Start With: “Grateful” or “Superhero Strength”

The Slow Rush by Tame Impala | Psych Rock, Synth Pop, Disco Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For... Throwing a Silent Disco For One

Tame Impala continues on their now 10 year streak of psych rock dominance. Along the way we’ve seen Kevin Parker master and stretch the boundaries of psychedelic production. This has resulted in his music coming as close to sounding like the best aspects of The Beatles, while also expanding into hip hop drums, R&B hooks, plus more and more electronic elements. This is an album that I was not super impressed with when it initially came out, but as we entered the pandemic and were tasked with finding small joys in staying at home all the time, I found myself going back to this album and appreciating the themes of solitude and self reflection that Parker has drawn from throughout his career.

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Start With: “Posthumous Forgiveness” or “One More Hour”

1988 by Knxwledge | Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Pumping Your Brakes and Driving Slow, Uh *Homie* Although this album is named after a year in the 80s, the sound here is a perfect portal back to 90s golden era hip-hop, with all the gospel, soul samples, and the kind of deep bass you want to feel in your chest. This is the rare, largely instrumental hip-hop album that I find myself going back to, other than works from the legendary J Dilla and MF Doom. Knxwledge is good friends and a frequent collaborator with Anderson .Paak (in the form of NxWorries). Here we get Anderson to grace us with his presence on the track “itkanbe[sonice]”, and of course it sounds just like an authentic vintage soul sample. When I hear this collection of songs it makes me wish I still had a car, so I could inevitably damage my speakers listening to this.

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Start With: “dont be afraid” or “thats allwekando.”

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa | Pop, R&B, Funk, Disco Released: March 27, 2020 Best Album For... Alarming Your Pet With Your Enthusiastic Lip Syncing

This album is a pure sugar rush. Like Bruno Mars with the help of Mark Ronson, or Calvin Harris a few years ago, Dua has harnessed a nostalgia (it’s even in the title, wink) for disco, funk and R&B, and is instantly a sexy, catchy, not-so-guilty pleasure. It’s sad that the majority of these songs are all bonafide club hits that didn’t have a proper home this year … except for my living room. And hopefully yours.

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Start With: “Pretty Please” or “Future Nostalgia”

Hold Space For Me by Orion Sun | Alternative R&B and Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Wishing Frank Ocean Was Your Dad

“Alternative R&B” is a contentious term, but what else would you call one of a few R&B singers cool enough to make it onto (NYC indie darlings) Mom+Pop Records?? On one hand, she brings the vulnerable and introverted lyrics of an indie singer songwriter like Tracey Chapman, crossed with the raw presence and sweet melodic delivery of a true R&B star like Aaliyah. I’d even go far enough to refer to her as the musical stepchild of Frank Ocean and SZA.

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Start With: “Ne Me Quitte Pass (Don’t Leave Me)” or “Lightning”

You and Your Friends by Peach Pit | Indie Rock and Dream Pop Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Going Back To Your College Town To Crash A Party

Peach Pit seem like they would be cool dudes to hang out with. You have no problem picturing them as the band playing a house show in an indie movie about college kids. And that’s because there’s a familiarity to the scenes that their songs portray, of stumbling through your 20s, either being too dumb or having too much fun to notice. It’s funny to refer to this as “Indie” rock since this is Peach Pit’s major label debut with Columbia Records. But It has all the trappings of Indie; sticky melodies, gentle reverb, an “I’m not trying that hard” vibe, and lyrics that are oddly specific enough to be interesting, but still vague enough to be relatable.

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Start With: “Feelin’ Low (Fuckboy Blues)” or “Shampoo Bottles”

Heaven To a Tortured Mind by Yves Tumor | Psych Rock, Indie Pop, Post-Punk, Alternative R&B, Experimental Electronic Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Tearing Up The Fucking Dance Floor With Your Hot Robot Girlfriend

If Tyler the Creator, Alex G, King Krule, and Blood Orange all got into the studio together and dropped a shit ton of acid on Halloween, their recording session might sound something like Heaven To a Tortured Mind… And even then, you still might have trouble putting your finger on exactly what you’re hearing. “Dream Palette” is a good reference track for Tumor’s most wild and mesmerizing qualities. The biggest styles of the past half century of music have been loaded into this gleefully effective genre blender, with blades of dissonance slicing everything up, creating a surrealist sonic smoothie.

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Start With: “Super Stars” or “Dream Palette”

The New Abnormal by The Strokes | Indie Rock, Dirtbag Disco, Synth Pop Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Mixing Yourself Another Drink This Saturday Night

Back from the dead, The Strokes return with their first album in 7 years to turn some heads and settle back into some old habits. The charming messy haired garage rock of the early 2000s still pops up here and there, but this is really a record where the group is mature enough to show you that they actually are trying, and are unafraid to take joyous swings for the fences. Julian Casablancas pushes his scratchy alley cat yelp of a voice into something more vulnerable, sunny, and sweet, like he asked for a piña colada (you know, with one of those little umbrellas) instead of a double shot of scotch before hopping up on stage… Or maybe he did both. But these days, everyone is looking for some sort of break from our groundhog day lives any way that we can. Sometimes that sounds like selling out, or depending on how you look at it, stepping up. This album is the result of a group of old friends who got together to make music they simply want to make for themselves. Now far removed from the 2000s New York scene where their younger selves were acting too cool and disaffected to care about having fun.

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Start With: “Eternal Summer” or “The Adults Are Talking”

The Loves of Your Life by Hamilton Leithauser | Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Drinking Down At The Docks, Watching The Sun Set

While I am a fan of The Walkmen, I have no idea what their frontman Hamilton Leithauser looks like or how he dresses. But hearing these songs off of his latest solo, I imagine the following: a member of Mumford and Sons if they were edgy and cooler, giving off a “cowboy rocker meets depression-era dock worker” aesthetic. That’s exactly how his music comes off to me. It’s a convincing blend of blues rock, Americana, and old timey country music. All expertly narrated by dusty country guitars and standup bass, tarnished horns and flutes, and what I imagine to be a restored saloon piano. The Loves of Your Life originally started as a collection of short stories, each about characters based on both people he knew and strangers. Leithauser then wrote the music separately, and finally came to mix and match their parts together in a surprisingly convincing fashion to create the album.

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Start With: “Wack Jack” or “Cross-Sound Ferry (Walk-On Ticket)”

What Kinda Music by Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes | Neo-Soul, Electronic, Hip-Hop

Released: April 24, 2020

Best Album For... Cooking For Someone You’re In Love With

Exactly what kind of music do Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes make? It’s orchestral, it’s jazz-infused, it’s hip-hop beats joined with gentle soul. It’s a little sexy, it’s a little mysterious, and you’re going to want to listen to it a whole lot. That’s it. That’s what kind of music it is! Send tweet.

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Start With: “What Kinda Music” or “Storm Before The Calm”

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams | Electronic Pop and Art Rock Released: May 8, 2020

Best Album For... Browsing Depop for Your Next 80s Normcore ‘Fit

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You are too good for this wretched world!! After exploring more adventurous sounds and genre hopping over the last few Paramore records, Hayley decided to go out on her own. This really frees herself from the expectations that come along with being the face and heart of a wildly popular band for the last 15+ years. Thom Yorke fans rejoice, because Hayley Williams has a clear admiration for Radiohead’s haunting indie electronic vibe, while emoting some pain and darkness atop her love for 80s pop and art rock (think Genesis, Devo, The Talking Heads). This is a promising new avenue for Hayley to explore herself and process her pain and desire completely on her own. I see this new project of hers only blooming further from here.

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Start With: “Simmer” or “Sudden Desire”

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius | Indie Pop and Art Rock Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Daydreaming That You Were Somewhere Else

For his 5th studio album, Perfume Genius enlists production wizard and guitar god Blake Mills, along with Grammy Award-winning arranger and multi-instrumentalist Rob Moose to create a beautiful swirling mosaic of 80s pastel pop that also packs serious classic rock grandeur. Bass guitar dances between satin smooth lines on one song to churning distorted currents on the next. Sparkling string arrangements and organs bleed together to expose a fading sunset that you’ll want to try and hold in your hands to keep it in sight. Perfume Genius is unafraid to challenge traditional masculinity, packing a 21st century queer machismo into both the quiet moments and jubilant explosions.

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Start With: “Without You” or “Describe”

græ by Moses Sumney | Indie Pop, Art Rock, Neo-Soul, Psychic Folk Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Astral Projection 101

I mean this in the best way possible, but I think that Moses Sumney is a witch. Or maybe a wizard? There’s no other reasonable explanation for the level of creativity and wonder that he summons. This album feels like a private concert by a waterfall (similar to one on the cover), with ethereal pleas, and heavy ideas—like meditating on what lies beyond the constraints of the physical self and reconsidering how well we can actually trust memory and the mind. Sumney layers his voice to create the effect of a ghostly choir, accented by a stark intimidating falsetto that reverberates through the ruins of an abandoned temple where Sumney is the only one in attendance.

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Start With: “Cut Me” or “Polly”

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD by Nick Hakim | Psychedelic Neo-Soul Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Playing Pool in a Hazy Dive Bar

Nick Hakim is a silky smooth smokey crooner who paints with warbly piano loops, dreamy reverb-heavy guitar, boom bap beats—not to mention a falsetto that would make Smokey Robinson jealous. Clearly a fan of Motown and 60s jazz, Hakim could be considered a peer of Thunder Cat and Anderson .Paak’s to a degree. I remember seeing him perform at Music Hall of Williamsburg a few years ago. The performance ended with him falling down on stage (presumably from being under the influence of multiple substances). But while the song continued he popped back up and belted an impressive high note like it was nothing, drink in hand. And it’s that kind of messy beauty that also makes this album so engrossing. Like watching the eye of the storm get closer and closer, but unable to look away from the sheer magnetism that nature can wield.

Spotify Apple Music YouTube Pandora Start With: “All THESE CHANGES” or “ALL THESE INSTRUMENTS”

RTJ4 by Run The Jewels | Hip-Hop Released: June 3, 2020

Best Album For... Making Your Next Protest Sign

Run The Jewels’ fourth outing might be the most unapologetically angry rap album in the “fuck this” year of 2020. And it reminded me that I should absolutely still be furious about everything that happened during this groundbreaking yet terrifyingly familiar year: country wide protests over the continued murder of innocent black people at the hands of the police, government drone strikes and detaining kids in cages, the state of our environment worsening—and that’s not even addressing the pandemic or election. Killer Mike and El-P are here to scream from the rooftops that our current system of cutthroat capitalism and white supremacy is killing the planet and its inhabitants, and I’m glad that they’re using their platform to continue to sound the alarm.

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Start With: “out of sight” or “ooh la la”

Your Hero Is Not Dead by Westerman | New Wave Revival and Indie Pop Released: June 5, 2020 Best Album For... Wanting Your Old School MTV

The cover of Westerman’s first proper album is mostly black and white, except for the title, which is scrawled out in lettering which spans the Crayola color spectrum. It’s an album that on the surface is cold and buttoned up, but when these choruses open up, the maximalist 80s power pop bursts like the bulbs of a neon sign. There’s a level of even-keeled cool and confidence in small moments on display here that makes this relatively new artist seem well beyond his years. Having seen him play at Rough Trade a few years ago (opening up for the stellar Puma Blue), the songwriting growth on display on this record is impressive. I’m only sad that there wasn’t an opportunity to have seen him play these new songs live.

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Start With: “Easy Money” or “Confirmation (SSBD)”

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers | Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: June 18, 2020

Best Album For... Burning Incense and Breaking Out a Ouija Board to Talk to The Ghost of Your Former Self

This is without a doubt, a career defining release for Phoebe. Taking everything she’s learned from writing, performing, and touring with the likes of Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker (in boygenius), and Conor Oberst (in Better Oblivion Community Center), Bridgers levels up to become the truly prolific singer-songwriter she’s been telling us she would always be. Bridgers has explained her personal definition of “a punisher” as a well meaning person who’s, “just talking to you and they don’t realize that your eyes are glazed over and you’re trying to escape.” Vital to understanding this album and its central message is that Phoebe finds herself caught between the contradiction of falling victim to this phenomenon while also doing it herself, especially if she ever met her musical idol, Elliott Smith. Punisher serves as a warning to her audience that if you focus too much on trying to find yourself through other people (via escaping through fandom, drugs, toxic relationships), you’ll always feel lost and dissatisfied, without the proper self awareness to ever quite know why.

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Start With: “Garden Song” or “ICU”

Women In Music Pt. III by HAIM | Rock, Pop, Folk, R&B Released: June 26, 2020

Best Album For... Preparing For A Better 2021, lol

With this album, HAIM skyrocketed to the #1 position of family bands that start with an “H.” Sorry, Hanson! But seriously, HAIM has outdone themselves on this one. If there was one album from this list that I would dub my personal AOTY, this would be it. You might wince at any tracklist longer than 10-12 songs these days (I know I usually do), but almost every song proves itself worthy, pulling at a different thread of my heart until there’s nothing left. Sunshine State Beach Pop? Check. Blues Tinged Dad Rock? Yup! Dive Bar Country? Mmhmm! No, wait, what’s that you say, Glitched-Out R&B? Yes, yes, and yes. You can have it all, sister! ‘Cause when you’re Haim, you’re family! ;) And these three “women in music” continue to prove that they are just about the best Assorted Pop Rocks(™) act in the world right now.

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Start With: “I’ve Been Down” or “Don’t Wanna”

Lianne La Havas by Lianne La Havas | Neo-Soul and Indie Pop Released: July 17, 2020

Best Album For... Sipping Coffee and Journaling on a Weekend Morning

This album exudes a warm vulnerability, like a comforting hug we all needed this year. On her third album, Lianne La Havas makes the risky decision to self title it, a move that artists make when they believe that it is the piece of work that they most want most directly associated with their name. It’s one thing to name your first album after yourself if you can’t think of anything else at the time, but to make a self titled album in the middle of your career, it means that you are sure about having captured who you really are and who you want people to remember you as. “If I love myself, I know I can't be no one else,” La Havas admits on the standout track, “Paper Thin.” She knows that she will meet her destiny and reach self actualization, but only through self love. And finally, I cannot overstate how breathtaking La Havas’s voice comes across on this album. The strength and control on display in her vocal tone and vibrato is quite a spectacle.

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Start With: “Paper Thin” or “Sour Flower”

Limbo by Aminé | Hip-Hop and R&B Released: August 7, 2020

Best Album For... Trying and Get Over Kanye With

On Limbo, Aminé establishes himself as one of the torchbearers of soul-sampling, lyrics-driven hip-hop that still cares about storytelling, skits, and presenting vocals clearly. Kanye West, Drake, and J. Cole all paved the way for someone from the next generation like Aminé to keep the dream alive and avoid succumbing to the “feel good, don’t think” form of passive listening that mumble rap has made the standard for mainstream hip-hop.

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Start With: “Pressure In My Palms” or “My Reality”

Shore by Fleet Foxes | Folk and Indie Rock Released: September 22, 2020

Best Album For... Running Along The Beach With Your Arms Stretched Out

It was really kind of Robin Pecknold and co. to have released an album this triumphant, calming, and awe-inspiring during the year of our Lorde 2020. On behalf of myself and anyone else who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the SAD people of the world really needed this, man. And to anyone who is quick to judge these beard-o’s of being boring, you’re simply not using your ears properly. Yeah, you know those two things on either side of your head? Get the gunk out of them! That way you’ll hear the choir of angels with acoustic guitars who are here to guide us through quarantine and beyond.

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Start With: “Can I Believe You” or “A Long Way Past The Past”

Listen to all of these albums together in our playlist.

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wennjunhui · 4 years

Text

seventeen hospital au

im back at it again with another random seventeen post bc nurse!jun is ruining me :)))))

disclaimer: the most i know about hospitals and how they work is from chicago med so dont expect this to be accurate

seungcheol

attending physician in the ed

kinda intimidating but is really a huge softie

but don’t make him angry bc that is not a good idea at all

always seen with a protein shake

tends to hover over the new med students a lot

partially because it’s important to evaluate them and their knowledge

but most because he thinks its funny when they freak out around him

always asks for a psych consult even when he knows its not necessary

bc its totally in the best interest in the patient and not because hes bored and wants to talk with his bff nahhh

has a long term girlfriend that works as a software developer

everyone in the ed tryna get him to propose bc ITS BEEN 9 YEARS DAMMIT WIFE HER ALREADY

jeonghan

psychiatry fellow

usually works night shifts because hes sleeps schedule is fucked

functions on coffee and coffee alone

is constantly Tired

catch him napping in the break rooms whenever he has time

originally wanted to go into psychology, but he gets too invested and thought it would be better to maintain short term relationships

bffs with seungcheol, but bffls with joshua

by the off chance he’s not tried, he’ll go around the ed and tease the doctors and nurses

hes in the ed a lot tho bc someone keeps calling him even tho “he literally just sprained his ankle seungcheol why am i here”

joshua

plastics fellow

fucking loaded

pulls up to the ed in a fucking gold ferrari and just shrugs when people ask about

‘yeah i got it as a birthday gift, treat yourself ya know?’

born and raised in the us, but went to south korea to further his studies

bffls with jeonghan

by GOD the chance theyre in the same room, its game over for everyone

his surgery playlist is fucking wild

did a heartbreaking ballad just finish playing? oh thats sad but move over its britney bitch

always brings a guitar to work parties

‘if you sing sunday morning one more fucking time-’ proceeds to sing sunday morning ‘GODDAMMIT JOSHUA’

is seeing the cute hotel concierge that works a few blocks away

junhui

the Hot Nurse

literally all the patients fucking swoon

kinda makes patients nervous bc of how handsome he is

ok i’ll stop now

occasionally scrubs in as a surgical nurse for minghao

he pretends to be all cool and hot shit in front of patients, but when hes around staff he turns into a giant bright ball of excitable fluff

will always be asked to be assigned to kid patients bc he loves kids

studied abroad in korea and decided he loved it there so he stayed

may or may not have a crush on someone in the hospital but shh no one knows except jeonghan and minghao

has no problem calculating correct dosages but cant do basic math for the life of him

‘no junhui, 7+8 does not equal 17′

soonyoung

senior resident in the ed

HYPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!111

works night shifts bc otherwise the ed would be dead without him

probably drinks too much redbull for his own health

his favorite treatment room is treatment room five because “that’s where a patient peed on me on my first day here”

“ok soonyoung good to kno”

“no problem”

not very tech savvy

always manages to fuck up the tablets somehow every shift

for the love of GOD dont let him near an xray machine

also never assign him and seungkwan on the same patient they will accomplish nothing

has taken chan under his wing

wonwoo

neurology resident

blind as fuck

harry potter glasses for days

looks really cold on the outside but is really just a huge fucking dork

like actually he laughs and jokes about anything and everything

neurology can be dark sometimes yo and humor is a great way to cope with it

that and gaming

half the reason why he cant see is bc he spent too much time playing video games growing up

still kinda does but he gets away with it

accompanies soonyoung on the night shift bc he knows soonyoung gets lonely sometimes

plays ballads in the surgery rooms because it helps him keep calm

jihoon

pathology resident

‘forget working with humans hAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOD CULTURE ITS COOL AS FUCK’

that being said, he hangs around the break rooms a lot because being cooped up in pathology is just tiring sometimes and he needs actual people to talk to

but mostly its so he can draw on jeonghans sleeping face

shares a flat with soonyoung bc rent is expensive yo

usually has the best tunes down in pathology

originally wanted to go into music, but school kinda killed his enjoyment of it for a long time

is slowly getting back into and finding his joy in it again

he knows too many stories about the ed that hes forced to listen to

“for the last fucking time soonyoung i dont care about how your patient threw up on seungkwan”

“okokok but`”

“no”

seokmin

ed resident wanting to specialize in pediatrics

SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND SMILES EVERYWHERE

wow literally everyone in the ed is in love with him a teeny tiny bit

because he has such a bright and positive aura around him that its hard not to feel happy

sings to the smol children if they get scared

everyone always asks him to sing at work parties and he kills it every time despite being initially shy

“wait wait wait you were in a rock band in high school???”

has a crush on the ed secretary out front

its so fucking cute the rest of the ed ships them so much

sometimes he doubts himself and his skills and that makes his day very sad

but everyone in the ed is in love with him and will constantly be there to remind seokmin about how amazing his is and how much he deserves to be here

and thatll make his day better c:

mingyu

ed resident

the Hot Doctor

wow everyone has a crush on him even if you dont you do

pray for the patients that get assigned to both mingyu and jun your in for a visual attack

tho the facade for mingyu usually breaks after a minute of meeting him

clumsy af yo

once knocked over the patients entire tray of food because his limbs were longer than he remembered

sometimes forgets to put on hand sanitizer and seungcheol always yells at him about

from the other side of the ed “MINGYU, HANDS”

“THANKS HYUNG”

always brings his own lunch bc hospital foods shit and he makes better food at home

sometimes brings in cookies for the staff in the break room

theyre usually gone within an hour

minghao

trauma and emergency medicine fellow

TALENTED

was personally scouted by hospital officials in china

really young to be such an expert in his field

also his hands are really sensitive to abnormalities in the human body so he feels out the situation and catches the situation really early

is kinda intimidating because of his rbf and takes no shit approach

but is really super soft and fluffy once not in a work environment

relied on jun a lot in terms of adjustment here in korea, and he’s probably closest to him in the ed

has jun scrub in with him for surgeries sometimes

objectively has the best surgery playlists

from pink floyd, to an obscure japanese indie rock

bickers with mingyu a lot of proper treatment of patients

usually theyre both right tho they just cant communicate effectively

is secretly seeing another chinese surgeon from plastics, but they hide it really well except from jun ofc

seungkwan

nurse

a really loud and mouthy one at that

nags everyone in the ed a lot despite not being the charge nurse

tho hes getting there and everyone knows it

despite that, hes really sweet and caring towards patients

is also really weak for kids, but he cant ever be assigned to them because he’ll freak out if something happens to them

always earns high marks on nurse feedback forms because he does his job AND is entertaining

even tho he nags everyone else, sometimes hes too selfless and forgets to take care of himself

“did you forget your lunch? aiii how could you do that? here take mine”

“seungkwan you need to eat to”

“i said take it, now eat and make your mom proud”

cries and often laments how much he loves his staff when hes had a little too much to drink at work parties

hansol

a new nurse

really chill, vibin through life

is really a much appreciated presence to have around the ed, especially when things can become hectic really quickly

often acts as a translator between english and korean

will laugh at pretty much anything (which wonwoo appreciates alot because at least someone likes his jokes)

one thing that always gets his blood boiling is the blatant ignorance some patients have

like the offhanded racism against him or his coworkers, or comments about lgbtq+ people

and there have been times when he hasnt been able to control how he responds because wow he Dislikes ignorant people

so whenever he gets a patient like that, he often asks to switch with another nurse because “if i have to listen to karen say something racist about jun or minghao again im gonna lose my fucking mind”

med students usually hang around him bc of how approachable he is

shower thoughts

“do you ever wonder this would taste like”

“hansol dont-”

chan

med student in his final year

is really eager to learn and get started on things!

ed is his first choice for match day

soonyoung has taken him under his wing so he mainly just shadows him

and its always a fun and great time chan has learned so much from him

the entire ed staff has adopted him and will riot if he doesnt get accepted on match day

“chan, whos baby are you?”

“for the last time hyung IM TWENTY SEVEN”

if hes not shadowing soonyoung, hes probably studying in the break rooms with hansol throwing popcorn at him

“hyung stop im tryna study”

“ok but catch this in your mouth first”

still has a lot to learn, but hes out there conquering the world of medicine yall better watch out

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sasukebarmitzvah · 5 years

Note

Do u think naruto was ever able to rebel against the village? Like if he truly understood what the state did, if sasuke made him see that things must CHANGE not just get burried. The idea of civil war in naruto and the justice for neji and sasuke...i love it but naruto doesnt know how to deal with things unless he blames himself for them... anyway, thots?

i do think naruto reached a place where he would have defied konoha but the problem is that kishi took the narrative in a more jingoistic direction after that which kinda blew any chances of that arc actually being resolved in any other way.

imo the key moment is during kage summit when obito confronts naruto and kakashi and tells them everything he told sasuke, about the truth of the uchiha massacre and itachi’s role as the scapegoat. naruto hears this and he gets mad about it like he’s ready to go tell everyone what happened, his blind faith in konoha is really shaken.

i mean before that i think naruto already had a subconscious predisposition to wariness re: konoha because of how he grew up abused and alienated, but he never really wanted to address it before—instead of being outright in his anger towards the village, he turned to attention-seeking and gunning for the hokage seat. then eventually he was accepted, with the village hero role foisted upon him after the pain attack, and despite it bringing him some discomfort he still powers through it because it’s easier for him to chase that praise than stir up more conflict.

but when obito tells naruto about the uchihas it clearly makes something click in his mind, like, ok it’s not just me something’s wrong here. when he and the rest of team 7 meet with sasuke a few chapters later, naruto tells sasuke that he understands why he’s doing what he’s doing and doesn’t even blame him for it.

then when sasuke says he’s gonna kill everyone in the village including naruto, naruto is like, well, no, that’s just putting the onus on a lot of otherwise clueless people. naruto says that sasuke would have to kill him first, that when their battle inevitably happens they'll both kill each other in the intensity—but naruto doesn’t even mind, because he and sasuke will be free of the burdens thrust upon them both by konoha. to me this attitude makes it seem like naruto is still struggling between his upbringing as a konoha loyalist and his anger towards the village that he tried for so long to repress that’s finally surfacing because of what obito told him. he’s really struggling because he Can’t reconcile these two lines of thinking and so he opts for the easier choice as he always has in the past (dying a martyr, because at least he’ll be dead and won’t have to make a hard choice).

kage summit sets that internal conflict up for naruto’s character and it’s SO interesting and i would’ve loved for that to actually have been explored properly, to have had that arc carried through the climax of the story and more explicitly play a part in vote2. but i think around this time kishi’s editors told him to “make naruto the main character again” aka Stop it with the sasuke sympathizing aka no more questioning the authority of konoha is to be done by the protagonist. which is so disappointing!

so that brings us to waterfall of truth where naruto directly confronts his inner self, the one who is angry, who is empowered by his rage, who wants to run away from konoha and owe them nothing more. this is a really interesting scene to me because it had the potential to be that pivotal moment where naruto finally decides to stand up for himself and start acting completely of his own will (or at Least openly condemn the corruption in konoha). but then what actually happens is Happy Konoha Naruto shuts down Angry Naruto.

his reasoning is what's really striking: naruto literally says to his “bad” inner self that he can’t harbor that negativity anymore, that he has to suck it up so he can be the person that the people of konoha believe him to be. again, he’s deferring to the easier path of conformity to acceptance because from childhood, he was a pariah, he was hated by everyone and didn’t even know why—this conditioned him to seek approval and praise wherever he can get it. even after having his hurt dredged up by obito’s words, sasuke’s actions, and his confrontation with his inner self, the effects on his psyche that his childhood created are a more powerful influence on his decision making. he represses his anger because rebellion isn’t what’s going to get people to care about him, and what he wants the most is to feel loved.

like bro thats so fucking upsetting..... naruto just spends his life being manipulated by the entity that caused all his problems, and every time he comes close to breaking out of that cycle, he chickens out at the last minute because he thinks he’s already getting what he needs on a psychologically fundamental level from the village. but he’s not.

so with that having been said i intellectually understand why he acts the way he does from waterfall of truth on, but i don’t agree with it lol. like this poor child deserves better but with the direction kishi was forced to take with the series at that point in it, it’s no surprise that the jingoism won over. i wonder how naruto’s internal struggle would have played out if that hadn’t been the case? i certainly think he could have completely rebelled against konoha. the anger was there, and he was completely justified in it, but the problem is that he keeps repressing it and doesn’t let himself truly feel it.

i wasn’t planning on writing this much in response to this ask sdhfjfjsdg i just have a Lot Of Thoughts on this tl;dr i love naruto he deserved better and we need someone to rewrite the series and do it PROPERLY and also read all the bits above that i bolded

#e #naruto #meta #i cant believe i sat down and wrote this #albarnhs

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thebibliomancer · 4 years

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Dark Crystal Age of Resistance ep 10 liveblog

“A Single Piece Was Lost”

I don’t have a ramble about the title this time. I’m pretty excited to see how this all wraps up though. Or slightly wraps up while leaving things open. Whatever.

Just a stream of thoughts.

Hi Deet!

Hi Rian!

I quite like this low energy opening showing them waiting for the battle in the morning-

NOPE SOMETHING JUST EXPLODED

Deet, what did you explode?

Rian: “Deet… have you been making bombs?”

Deet: “Well, smoke bombs, so yes?”

Just when I thought Deet couldn’t be better.

Rian reflecting that they’ll need a lot of smoke bombs, probably to run away, if no other Gelfling show up.

Rian: “I was just thinking, I never got to properly see the Caves of Grottan. We should go back together when this is all over.”

Awww.

Oh shit Deet’s arms are secretly glowing with evil energies. I have a bad feeling about things.

Emperor: “Do you sleep?”

General: “??? Yes, sire”

Emperor: “Do you dream?”

General: “No my Emperor”

Emperor: “Neither did I, until I began my experiments with the Darkening. Now my nights are riddled with nightmares.”

And now he’s asking the General if he remembers how things were before they were sundered. The Emperor is philosophical today.

Then he gathers a bunch of Darkening.

The Gruenaks run into the Chamberlain and they want to be freed and Chamberlain is like not yet my dudes, things are going great for me and thats what matters.

Ice cold, SkekSil

Aww the Scientist build some new armor and he wants to join the other Skeksis and prove that he’s a rough and tumble strong boy like the rest but the General and the Emperor just laugh at him and tell him to stay behind and do the nerd stuff.

Poor guy. Poor evil guy.

The other Skeksis have no respect for him but he’s the only one still doing what the UrSkeks were about.

OH HEY ITS BREA hi Brea. Last episode, everyone gathering up again.

Maudra Fara: ‘Hey Rian we cool? Sorry I called you a traitor’

Oh no, Brea and Seladon have to tell Rian and Deet that Aughra died.

Yeah, the Dual Glaive is pretty cool. Appearance wise.

Rian: -stares wonderously at Dual Glaive for a while-

Ok no disrespect but you’re bringing the Ornamentalist to war and think the Scientist is too big a nerd??

Chamberlain: -waving sword around- “WARRRRRRRRRRRR”

Most of the Skeksis preparing for war sequence seems to be them psyching themselves up by screaming war at each other.

The Gelfling preparation sequence has them like training and getting outfitted.

Just saying, one group is taking this more seriously.

Scientist: “I am incontrovertibly the most abused creature in all of Thra”

Gruenaks: =|

The irony is, of course, lost on SkekTek.

Scientist: -pokes frakensteined spiders corpse with random electricity- ‘Well thats not working’

-Proto-Garthim goosplodes all over the Scientist for like a minute straight-

Scientist: “There is only so much callous disrespect a Lord of the Crystal can endure! I have earned a bit of genuine frivolity!”

Turns out that he hid some extra essence in his animal cages so he can hit the goofy juice in times of stress.

The Gruenaks pick up the scalpel. Whoops. Wonder what they’re up to.

Over at the circle of the sun, the Archer is lingering between life and death because of the Aughra essence effect on the Hunter.

Apparently the Scientist’s idea of genuine frivolity is to sit on the Emperor’s throne and pretend to be the Emperor and have podlings play him music and bring him food and call himself Emperor.

Thats. Sure an idea.

OH HI SKEKMAL IS ALIVE AGAIN

And he tears himself free of the strings holding him up, probably confused at all of this, and asks where Rian is.

When Scientist tells him that Rian is at Stone-in-the-Wood and that the Skeksis went to quell the uprising, Hunter calls Scientist an useless coward.

Scientist: “The Emperor commanded me to stay behind. I wanted to fight! I’m not a coward!”

Poor evil guy. This is why he wanted to prove he was a rough boy. Now the Hunter is going to be looking down on him.

Archer bolts up and mummer shouts SKEKMAL and then collapses.

Heretic: “Well…”

Wanderer: “That was… exciting…”

Heretic: “Yes!”

I love these nerds.

So the Skeksis bring: giant swords, nothing else.

They’re not really prepared for anything other than lumbering towards something and killing lots of stuff.

If only the Gelfling had a strong archer class. Instead of being all melee.

Even Kira in the movie knew how to pack a sling.

Emperor sees the small amount of Gelflings that have shown up.

Emperor: “This… is the mighty rebellion I was promised?”

He actually sounds disappointed. Hes had to leave the castle for the first time in a long time and its for this.

Rian: ‘The rest are coming! Really!’

Also Rian: ‘Hey how about single combat?’

Chamberlain: ‘Hey uh Emperor this is beneath you? Let General do it’

General: ‘If my bff Chamberlian thinks its a good idea, I’m in.’

The General hits but also maneuvers like a freight train. But Rian really sucks. He’s just getting tossed around and almost having his puppet junk- Oh there he goes. He stabbed the General.

The Dual Glaive starts absorbing. The General’s…. Something?

General: “Be done with it! Kill me!”

Rian: “I’m no killer!”

HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO GO?

The Skeksis are literally trying to wipe out your entire race and you’re playing the high very high road??

Then the Emperor tells General to gtfo because he’s a failure and the other Skeksis mock mock him as he limps away because the Skeksis love to see each other fail.

Oh, this is some actual cool strategy.

The lady gelfling vault off the male gelfling’s backs and fly around dropping bombs to disorient while the swords gelflings jump in and start poking ankles.

Oh I guess the Skeksis did bring more than swords. They’ve got… boomerang launchers? On their backs? Boomerang catapults?

Its pretty unwieldy but Scroll-Keeper still manages to hit Maudra Fara when she shoves Seladon out of the way to protect the All-Maudra who she acknowledges now that shes not being a dingus.

And then sheee dies.

But on her own time because a fizzgig steals Scroll-Keeper’s sword and hides it in a hole.

I’m overall getting the impression that the Skeksis are dangerous because they’re big and strong but they’re not very good at this.

Greunaks cutting their own mouths open with the scalpel they found. Annnd Scientist finds them.

Greunak: “No! No slave!”

Scientist: “How dare you threaten me? I am SkekTek the Scientist! I am a master of llfe and death! I am a genius! I am a Lord of the Crystal! I… AM… SKEKSIS! -incoherent yelling-”

He grabs them so they shock him with the electrical wires which I think shorts out his eye.

And. Geez. Rebellion doesn’t work too well when you’re a third of the size.

He just picks up one of the Gruenaks and hucks him down the fire hole.

Oops and he just hacked the other one to death.

Put upon and bullied he may be but he’s as bad as the rest of the Skeksis really.

Scientist: -maniacal laughter-

I think he’s going to use the Gruenak corpse to help finish the Garthim.

So the battle is still… going.

ANd I can’t help but think that what would really help here is a shield wall or something.

Gourmet: -flailing and panicking as a Gelfling climbs on his back and punches him in the head or something-

Chamberlain has found where the General has crawled off to.

General: “Friend SkekSil, help me”

Chamberlain: “Mmmm no. -stabs- You…. took… my…. Seat!”

Wow, SkekSil can hold a grudge.

Oh and General crumbles as soon as he dies. So I guess SkekMal really wasn’t dead.

Speaking of SkekMal he just showed up and and captured Rian and broke the Dual Glaive. I say broke but this is why weapons that have to be assembled aren’t as reliable. They’re made to fall apart and fall apart they will. It’s possibly a metaphor.

Speaking of a metaphor, the Archer has regained consciousness and has gone for a walk.

Archer: “I had a dream that I was one that became two. The hunt must end.”

And the walk that he’s taking is off the circle of the sun which is a very tall place.

Hunter: “I have conquered death! I have become more powerful! More powerful than Thra itself! Nothing can stop the hunt!”

Archer: “Now we shall see what lies at the dream’s end” -jumps off circle of the sun-

Hunter: -crumbles to dust-

Archer hasn’t even hit bottom yet. He just knows that he’s gonna die so he starts turning into sparkles midfall.

OH HEY!

Aughra reformed from the Hunter!

Scroll-Keeper: “Oh no, not her again!”

Rian: “Aughra are you alright?”

Aughra: “Of course not, I just returned from the dead!”

Aughra tells the Skeksis that they better retreat to the castle or she’ll mess them up. Emperor is like I’ll call that bluff.

And then…. ARROWS! The gelfling learned archery!

OH HEY ALL THE CLANS! ALSO THE ARATHIM!

Emperor: I WILL NOT LOSE, NO MATTER THE COST! BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE DARKENING!”

And his staff burns with an awesome power and then everything starts exploding. Wow look at the gelfling popping into the air

DEET!

She’s absorbing all of the Darkening!

Skeksis: -laughing at whats happening-

Emperor: ‘ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff’

Deet: “Get away from my FRIENDS!”

And then she explodes into force lightning like Darth Deet

Mostly hitting the Collector

Collector: “That wasn’t so bad!” -explodes-

Skeksis: ‘RUN AWAY RUN AWAYYYY’

Chamberlain has to shake the Emperor out of his stupor to get him to run and for this earns Most Trusted Advisor role again.

All the gelflings are congratulating each other which I find funny because they didn’t do anything mostly except show up. But Rian and me are like hey wheres Deet.

Seladon throws herself at Aughra

Aughra: “Guess you want a hug? Alright.”

And Gurjin is like hey I’ll hug whoever. Free hugs.

And an Arathim takes him up on it.

Gurjin: “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???? Well, why not”

More Gelflings want hugs

Aughra: “Give me some space. I may be newborn but I’m still old!”

THE CRYSTAL SHARD WAS HERE ALL ALONG? IN THE DUAL GLAIVE?? That was a double ‘was here all along’ pull! Wow!

Aughra: “Gelfling, the shard calls to you. You fought well. And tomorrow, tomorrow three suns rise on a new world. And nothing will ever be the same. We have made new enemies. And lost old friends. But the fallen are not truly gone. They have joined the song of Thra once more. Listen… and you will hear them on the wind. For the song has changed. It sounds like hope. But take care. Hope is fragile. Hope is delicate, like a crystal shard. Once lost… now found. And easily stolen.”

HEY UM DEET WHATS GOING ON WITH YOU

She just wandered off looking sithly sickly and making the plants die. Whats happening to good ol Deet??

Aughra: “This victory does not belong to a single gelfling or a single clan! It belongs to all of us! All of Thra, united! This day, the many become one!”

Brea: -holds up crystal shard to transition into the movie theme-

Scientist: ‘HEY WHATS UP JUST CREATING THE GARTHIM AND SIGNALING THE DOOM OF THE AGE OF RESISTANCE IS WHATS UP I’LL SHOW THEM FOR CALLING ME A NERD’

Other Skeksis limp back to crystal chamber.

Chamberlain: “Well look on the bright side, we still live!”

Other Skeksis: -whine sob-

Scroll-Keeper: “Poor Collector! SkekLach never harmed anyone who did not deserve it!”

Hell of a qualifier.

Chamberlain spins the General’s last moments to make himself seem like a cool guy.

Oh. So Garthim is Gruenak plus Arathim.

And so the first Garthim is born. Which will ultimately net SkekTek no respect judging by the Garthim-Master, the guy who made his reputation on SkekTek’s creations, treats him in the movie.

Poor, poor Scientist.

So that was Age of Resistance season 1. I quite enjoyed it overall. I have some overall thoughts and quibbles that I might do another post for. But overall I quite enjoyed it.

My primary thought is “rude to not have a second season announced yet.”

#dark crystal #dark crystal age of resistance #episode 10 #liveblog #welp thats the end #for now

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shirts181 · 4 years

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Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

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butch-bakugo · 4 years

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This has kinda been on my mind lately. Warning, its long and talks about murderers as well as abuse, bombings and other dark topics.

I dont understand why some people arent curious as to why the oppressor class is oppressing the oppressed classes. People dont want to ask the question why they believe this strain of people is beneath them or inherently harmful/evil cause they associate interest of reasoning with empathy/sympathy to the oppressor class instead of intention to get to the root of the problem.

Honestly its funny cause 2 of my favorite lines in movie history come from the first saw movie and one of them applies perfectly to this situation. " to understand how to escape and dismantle this(trap), you need to be able to accept and understand what a perfect machine it is". People often times would rathur focus on hating their oppressors and spread anti-them rhetoric and promoting positivity without getting to the root of what made them an oppressor and dismantle it so it could no longer cultivate oppressors.

Most people hold the beliefs they have because someone convinced them they were correct, beat it into them( those this usually dosent last for extended periods of time) or they've been given ample evidence to support that belief. Most dont believe things out of spite and are generally mid-open to mid-closed to new beliefs or things that challenge those beliefs.

A good example i can use is myself. Take serial killers. Ever seince i was young i had a fascination with serial killers, murder and what would drive a person to kill others. In my mind, that would be the hardest and worst thing a person could do yet so many have done it without a second thought. How did they get past that mental block aka a conscious that allowed them to be able to kill? What made them do it? Did they or did they not mentally justify their actions? How did the human psyche heal from such a traumatic action? It was a fascination with human reason, rational thought, understanding of how society, abuse and multiple events can fuck with a human and understanding of human actions that drove me to watch those documentaries and tv shows.

Yes, it was gruesome and probably wasnt the best thing for a 14 yr old with abusive parents to watch but thats not my point. My point is, while watching them, i never reasonably or entirely sympathized with the common killer. Their terrible situation? Yes i did. Abusive parents/partner? Yep. The murder?( if it wasnt in self defense) nope. I never mentally excused them of their actions or found that to be an attractive quality.(looking at you killing-stalking fandom creeps). I was more interested in why and where the person could have gone had they not had negative influences.

What made this bomber bomb? Well they were a white supremacist with an abusive mother and had an abusive ex gf. Interesting. Not that he shouldnt be charged with his crimes or excused cause of abuse, just interesting to see how that could have influenced him to be violent. To stop a bad thing from happening, you need to be able to understand why it happened so you can stop it and boom! Suddenly the bad thing is gone.

Ill use another example. Terfs. Why do they believe the nasty and harmful things they believe? What made them feel that way and how can i effectively re-educate them so they dont continue to hurt groups of innocent people? Wanting to know why a terf hates trans people dosent mean i empathize/sympathize her, it means i can fully understand the problem so i can effectively solve it in the best way possible. Its a smart thing to do. If i dont know or care to know why a terf would hate trans people in general then we have no hope of understanding and are even less likely to start to fix the damage she did.

Yes, in a way I'm refering to people like me who choose to not live in echo chambers but in a way im not. Im allowing them to speak and set it on the table but im not changing my mind, giving them a platform or passively allowing bigotry to exist in my space and instead presenting them with the flaws in their reasoning and encouraging understanding, tolerance and openess to new ideas. Kill them with stern kindness as it were.

If i held a bigotry and felt as though the whole world was againest me but was also wether openly or not curious about those who did not share in my beliefs, im not gonna want to listen to another rude angry person screaming at me in my inbox or on a post, even if i would theoretically be in the wrong. I would listen to someone who wanted to hear me out, be nice about it, listen to me and give the patience necessary to help me understand why that bigotry is wrong and give me a chance and time to change.

To some, this idea sounds naive and like your " kissing up" to your oppressors but it also isnt cause well, unless you count hearing someone out to be a compliment, your still gonna win in the end and help establish a connection of understanding. A bigoted person is still a fucking person wether you like it or not. They have to possibility to change if shown enough kindness. Hopefully they are open-minded. If not, you gave them a chance and they chose otherwise so go on with your day and fuck them.

Again folks will call me naive or immature or gullible cause im nice, patient, will hear someone out and have the hope that anyone and everyone is capable of change and a better mindset but then again those people are usually nihilistic, pessimistic and make edgy jokes on the internet or pretend they only spit " facts" and that being mean and sarcastic is a personality. I mean anyone thats been in the south has heard the old saying that you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. If your an ass, expect assholes or no one.

Tdlr thats still long is; wanting to know why a bigoted person is bigoted is not empathizing with their bigotry, your more likely to stop a bigoted person in a one on one conversation if you hear them out and point out the flaws in their mentality nicely, bigoted people are still people they are just assholes and everyone is capable of change your just traumatized and edgy.

#levi speaks

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zella-starr · 4 years

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Cassandra is its hero: a girl that can see bad news or predict the end of the world- but no one ever listens so its stuck in a perpetual state of existing and emotional terror: zella finally figured out what 12 monkeys is about and it wrote this absurt literal wtf short story that only makes sense to those who look deeply there are some spoilers in #s but if anyone does read it and it doesnt get it kicked the f out then just tell it what you think of the ending - if you understand it at all lol

it prays, to pic related that tumblr has more femine creatures than ones who do not understand metaphors or cannot see between white and black every shade of grey

it presents: The Cassandra Effect don’t read it tho its insanity personified

DO NOT READ THIS YALL!

The Casandra effect short story by something called zella or ezla or something idk it aplogizes for spelling errors but it freaked out and though it lost its masterpiece via saudi princes banning it from twitter

"my name is Casaandea" my name is Casandra - she repeated after the cubes. something about tit felt--different- a sinister evil the cube felt different today But she had learned to not listen to such thoughts- the kind of thing that would tear a weaker specimen to pieces but cas- (arrogance my darling)

Zella01/11/2020 "a horse, of course, my darling" ` as far as Cassie could tell, the cube thought this was amusing- cute even- she smiled- kind of. and but her little black boots on for a flickering moment she wondered what day it was then scoffed- "days" the cube has replaced any need for such distinctions

Zella01/11/2020 the first thing the cube had said to the population of Wintersville upon its gran unveiling via the tribesman, was "every day is exact;u the same,!" like the great Adema themselves said! " stupid vicky, who is no long with us began to correct the cube . "That's Nine Inch Nails haha" but the look the tribesman- the one who was always beside the cube, well i sure wouldn't want to see that peak in the window at night such as on Thursdays when the servants of tribesman would do so- there were strict rules regarding sexual activity it goes without saying that after the great collapse everyone was sterilized- no children period. they were rounded up and shipped off to.. Cassiei always forgets just where but since the tribesman had brought in his spiritual leader Augustness. sexual pleasure had become limited for men- and more so for women. a man without a wife was most scrutinized and often was sent to another sector. One man was caught, welll Cassie was supposed to keep heer mind off of such things as she had been scolded since mistaking the tribesman wife for well not a woman Cassie stopped for a moment and looked around she felt the fear. this means they could to,. but why was the memory so frightful? it was a simple truth he had told her there are men, and there are women Cassies little black boots were almost at the entrance of the factory when her favorite sound on earth came screeching through the air and crashed into her eardrums like the silly old tale of the 2 became 1 buildings nonsense It was Kathy- Cassie's coworker and Nemesis- her voice was always happy-sounding- often at awkward times- but none would beat this "Cracker John Joe got hit my a truck!" "excuse me?" "yep, his head came plum off his neck too!" "what he's.. dead?" "ok well it did not come plum off his head it wad i think about half of it the tire just smashed his head and it crumbled but lots of the crumblings were far away so it was almost his." Cassie had to make sure her stress did not rise- or as the Tribesman called it her Gorita acting amuck " this would require intervention from the cubes she decided to take a peek anyway, despite kathy (what kind of fucking name is that anyway-ok Cassie stop it) and she wa.. well it was actually not such a great idea it was not that they were close,. they did not go to prom together. they did not kiss each other on the cheek after a run-in on the one single street in wintersville. but she did work with him, he was a bubbly guy, thats what the tribesman said of him- and obviously the tribesman had him killed sometimes though she wondered which was in control, him or the cubes- this thought was followed my a very sharp pain and headache that would last for day at a time (this was how the subjects of the satanic mind-control experiment that was wintersville, were trained- imagine a dog being shocked every time it bites someone) It was not the worst one she had felt, no, that was easy to pin point: one day at work- an outsider was brought in. A girl- of 16 or 17 years old. Tribesman had another man with him that day- no one spoke his name- but he decided it would be best for Casandra and the new girl (Cassie called her flower as her name was never known) Flower had an outrageous hick accent- one that cassie would normally have been disgusted by, but flower was different. she had a light shining from her eyes. a softness to her lips and to her touch. one that cassie did not forget later that evening when she was alone., this was before she learned she was never alone when the cubes were anywhere near by. she tried not to remember - because if she remembered she felt It had been several years since Cassies husband dissipated. quite literally in front of her eyes. he was gone. the depression was so great, she hadn't played with herself in - there she goes again- as if there is any such thing as years or months or days or seconds. no past. no future but still, it was worth a little bit of that pain- fuck even at the time the piercing razorblade feeling, starting with her clit up to her eye balls was worth it. She touched herself- quite a bit. she rubbing her clit and moaning- at the previous images of Flower , her soft lips and perky tits- but then Cassie still didn't know that the slicing, the burning pain she could still feel - started the second the man with no name- after his henchmen had kidnapped and beaten Flower - a pain Cassie mistook for pleasure (are they not the same) set flowers body on fire and what little life there was inside of her soon was no more what would cassie have done HAD she known? should we find out? we control this. we control this experiment. would she revolt? haha against whom? what if we ended the experiment early - the knife she just tabbed int the "tribesman" was, in fact, her mother? we are not sure yet. but surely a woman who wears the same black boots every day after being given a new name she is sure she has always had- to go to work where she does n not know what she does. something something. could her infatuation with Flower show us new and exciting ways to break her down? because this will en no other way every controlled subject still must die its one of our favorite tricks- to instill into the psych of the truly helpless- that surely ifshe had suffered THIS much, then there would be no more one day>? I mean that IS how it works is it not? we suffer- then karma picks us up. what do you think fellahs? fuck it. why not. she must be broken- lets break her slower than most- lets take that hope- and stretch it lets create a future for her - one she will only think of, we can build her up give her what she wants for a day- we can bring flower back and kill her again or maybe something new? something not romantic. often the cold hearted clutches onto something- or someone that oppresses others. lets make enemies for her, shadows she can jump when she sees. others. the town is all white? lets increase paranoia of an oncoming slew of blacks or Mexicans. of course we will choose the kindest ones we know, those ho speak Spanish will frighten her the most- we dont let her learn things here. not anything useful yes even greater than the destruction of flower- will be the terror of the others. lets bring in tansgender people. lets legalize gay marriage. lets let others have children but only once she is to old to have them herself but thats not enough- now we needa hero and we all know how this story ends -The end

for real if you made it this far thank you for reading a single word ive ever written its all i want in this world- well not quite but close <3

the worst thing you can do to someone is make them the enemy theyve always hated via some tyrant taking over their minds and souls and spitting out a perverse vile version of them- no point to go to its funeral it died long ago..

#horror #scifi #mind control #mind corruption #mind conditioning #trump #maga2020 #psychos #3 letter demon monsters

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transdonaldduck · 5 years

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She sits down cross-legged on the floor infront of him, placing a little plate with a candle on it between them, “Your magic,” Magica begins, “Isn’t like mine and Gladstones.”

Donald frowns, “Gladstone’s like us?”

“I don’t know if you were listening but I literally just said he wasn’t” At his sharp glace she nods, “Yes, he’s like us, but again- not in the same way. Gander has passive magic, it happens TO him,” She gestures around the air, illustrating her point, “even if he tried... he couldn’t influence it and he can’t stop it. It’s a bubble of luck based magic all around him, at pretty much all times.”

“And you’ve got the same magic him..?” Donald frowns, “I’ve seen you control your magic though.”

“Mine’s the same family, so to speak.” Magica runs a hand through her hair, black cascading down over her shoulders like waves, “I can control my magic and mine only. it’s not a unconcious certainty like Gladstones, but we’re the same in that our magic is bound to ourselves and only ourselves. Sure, I can cast hexes and curses on others, but I can’t control another persons magic. thats where our magics differ from yours.” she explains, growing more animated as her excitement bleeds through, “I’ve never seen magic like yours, you can effect others powers at will- it’s unheard of.”

Donald rubs a hand over his face, “So i’m the biggest weirdo in a group of weirdos?”

“I am not a weirdo.” Magica defend automatically, “But yeah, basicaly. You have what I liked to call sounding board magic, the ability to influence the magic of others. We’re gonna be experimenting with that today.”

He sits up, a little more attentive at that, “Is that what the candle is for?” He asks, motioning down to the simple thing.

“Yes,” And with a snap of her fingers it’s lit, a small flame igniting the wick, “Now, I’m going to keep this little flame lit- it’s green so you KNOW thats magic fire- and I want you to reach out and amplify it.” She explains gently, “I’m not going to change the amount of energy i’m putting into it, I want you to take my magic and do that for me. do you understand?”

He nods, eyebrows drawing as he prepares himself. theres a pause and Magica concentrates herself, spreading her senses out to try and feel him touch and manipulate her magic- he’s explained it to her once, that magic was like the waves of the ocean for him, thats how it felt. she’d never felt that before, hadn’t even realized it was possible to feel someone elses magic like that.

She doesn’t sense a thing, and the flame on the candle leaps higher.

“That’s amazing.” She says blankly, still shocked.

He cracks open an eye and smiles, slightly strained, “Well, watch this.”

She felt it this time, like all of her magic has been snuffed out, a heavy blanket across her psyche. the flame disappears and she jerks back- the pressure is gone, only having lasted about half a second, only long enough to flicker out the flame. “Holy shit.” She says honestly, reaching up to touch her chest.

he winces, “Sorry, did that hurt?”

“What the hell are you?” She asks breathlessly, half smiling.

He just shrugs helplessly.

#michael chatters #my writing

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punkpal · 5 years

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Okay i’m sorry for this rant but i am struggling and i’m running out of hope so some of y’all better donate some of yours before i combust...

Read at your own discretion.

And please if you have any lived experience of complete fucking hopelessness along with bipolar disorder (because that specific diagnosis in my rather long list of conditions is really new to me) i am not coping and could do with some advise, so please do share if you have any, it would be really helpful.

Okay so i call bullshit.

I spent 3 months in a manic episode as a result of a setting change in my brain implant (the one i got to reduce the symptoms of my ocd which obviously as per my chronic bad luck not only didn’t work or help in the slightest but also gave me bipolar)...

Then upon getting tired of waiting for the mania to disappear i changed settings after finally getting permission from my surgeon who finally had also given up hope that the mania would subside and the setting start to work to help rather then hinder.

Only for the new setting to send me on the opposite side of the spectrum and make me suicidal (luckily only for 2 weeks as i was getting ever increasingly more unsafe even whilst inpatient in a psych ward, so a change of settings was allowed quicker for my own safety). But boy did that feel like a lifetime when every waking moment of those 2 weeks felt like i was drowning.

And just because after 10 months of constant setting changers (almost all of which options i have tried) i was getting tired of getting my hopes up with a new setting change, only for it to make things worse; i went back to a really low setting as per my doctors suggestion and i thought that would be a good choice.

That setting i changed back to, i had been on before and while it didn’t help it didn’t make me worse so until i can be fucked trying new settings with the chance it would send me over the brink i opted for a safe setting that in the past has done fuck all which i am willing to deal with if it means i don’t risk getting worse.

BUT

Noooo. No rest for the wicked, my bloody fucking manias back and while i new that was a possibility as the mania was caused by a specific setting and would likely only be present on that setting. It was mentioned that there was a possibility that the mania would stay because basically of an accidental fuck up caused by that old setting that is now causing that side effect to continue even when on a otherwise reasonably safe setting.

So long story short the mania is irreversible and likely will come in and out of my life on and off indiscriminately as well as the other half of the bipolar diagnosis (i know officially have, yay) being increased long periods of suicidal ideation and i am BIB MAD.

I got this surgery to help the main out of 7 mental illnesses (ocd) and satan or karma or god or whoever the fuck dished me out a entirely new diagnosis instead of fix the one i wanted benefited.

PLUS i scored a brain infection thats the first of its kind (that my state has ever seen) as a result of this surgery despite this surgery being common - mostly used for Parkinsons. And to this day i am still facing shitty physical health as a result of this, even having to have 2 surgeries 2 weeks ago to fix damage that infection caused by that ‘life saving, mental illness curing, miracle brain surgery’.

Honestly will my bad luck ever come to an end?

Theres only so much i can take.

And worse is i fear this mania will come to an end only to segway into a episode of prolonged suicidal ideation (and even intent) like what happened last time. Because i can’t deal with that again, not on top of all the other issues my still really really really fucking bad ocd is causing me.

I don’t get why all of this is happening to me.

What did i do to deserve all of of this misfortune?

Am i getting punished for crimes my soul committed in a previous life?

Does god exist and he’s a little bitch who has it out for me and goes out of his way to make my life miserable?

Am i actually dead and living in hell paying my debt to the devil in the form long term suffering and hopelessness?

Or am i cursed? Is that it?

Whatever the reason i have had enough.

Also honest observation insert: Apparently when i started venting my manic fueled frustrations in this post my mood was still heightened but if noticeable in the sharp change of pace in this post the mania has officially began to leave the building now (which i guess was what i was asking for) but as is tradition the end of this mania (thats luckily only been going on a few days) has plunged me balls deep into the depressive part of my bipolar and man is the desire to die starting to look more and more appealing.

I won’t do anything don’t worry!

I mean i guess now i have scored the start of a break from what was only a small manic episode but exhausting nonetheless. So i can finally get a good nights sleep, because the mania was defiantly cock blocking me from achieving shut eye until tonight. So i’ll use this opportunity to catch up on a week of lost sleep (plus sleep is like a vacation from life, a short visit into destination ‘dead’) so experiencing the complete lack of being consciousness through sleep will be a nice little visit into what i crave (death) without the huge commitment that comes with death and the sadness it causes others.

Any way this last week or so of mania has not been fun but as i crash into the opposite end of that bipolar scale i am realizing how much more preferable that mania was as apposed to my current quickly declining mood. And upon reflection take back all the smack i talked about mania only because now i want to go back in time to that manic period rather be in this dangerously depressing present i am currently getting stuck in. And just argghhhh.

Right when i think it can’t get any worse it does and then this happens again and again a fucking again.

When will all this suffering end? And when it does end will it do so by eventual good luck and recovery or eventual giving up and the welcoming of death like an old friend?

Because i really do want that first option to be the case. After all thats why i chose to get this surgery - for hope of recovery (and because it was the last option in recovery that i had yet to try). Because i do hold onto hope and i do want to fight for my recovery until i eventually obtain it.

But i have been fighting for this false sense of hope for more then a decade but the longer i wait and the harder i fight for recovery the more it hurts when i get nothing but bad luck to set me backwards every time i think i have made progress. And so the vicious cycle repeats.

This toxic cycle of suffering really does make it hard to continue feeling positive about the future. Therefor at times like these i find it easier not looking at the future at all because i don’t see myself being alive long enough to be in it most of the time. And that concept actually really does put me at ease.

Nonetheless i wake up and try again and again chasing what little hope i do still have left over from the abundance of hope i used to have before over time i began to loose most of it.

This dwindling hope really does scares me though because i am worried especially now with how low i am at the moment that any day soon that hope will start to run out until i don’t have enough left to save me from myself and if that happens i see no other outcome but to welcome death and admit defeat.

And don’t get worried ‘welcoming death and admitting defeat.’ is only a back up plan, its just kind worrisome to know the current plan isn’t gong too crash hot either and that my only organized backup plan revolves death.

Any way, this letter along with my mood stating off manic as hell.

And somehow ended here. In disappear.

But i fight on, for however long i have it in me to continue fighting.

And i ask (well lets be honest at this point i am basically begging) that the powers that be give me a break. I deserve it. Look even if that break isn’t recovery can it at least be to not continue getting worse. Because i don’t know how much further down this rabbit hole i can go...

#no one will read this but if you do please help #this is literally my cry for help so as is tradition i expect to be ignored and for that i am not but but if you do read and have any advise #i'd love to hear it #tw//#trigger warning//#ocd #bipolar #mania #depression #suicide mention//#okay i don't know what else to trigger tag this with...#because i really don't want people who don't want to see this be seeing it #but also like i said if you do especially if you found this by the ocd bipolar depression mania etc tag and have any advice to give #hmu if you think you can offer a word of advise or help even a little even if you just have personal experiences you think would be helpful #because i feel so alone in this and i hate it #personal

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