#and the commute won’t make me cry

[obsessivedilettante]

I think I may be close to getting a job! They said I was basically their finalist and it hinges on references (who will give glowing reviews, especially my last boss, who is still gutted that she has to let me go *shakes fist at stupid economy*).

It’s at a nonprofit, which is my jam, but in an industry that I haven’t really worked in before, so there will be a learning curve.

But I miss having more structure to my day and I am ready to not sigh when I see my slowly dwindling bank account.

[peachesofteal]

ok but hear me, this can either be dead disco or the baby trap.

Simon and Johnny either following Darling around scared they gonna leave or one of them always HAS to be near them.

Darling escaped once and they won’t let it happen again

Screams! I love this. Love your brain. I took this in a slight different direction also, but these themes still persist. 🩵

Mature Themes / disco baby au

Simon and Johnny are a mess.

They haven’t always been like this. Hovering and overly watchful, like this. Bordering on paranoid, anxious, high strung. Jumpy, almost. They don’t let you out of their sight. They don’t let you go anywhere without at least one of the them. They won’t even let you go down to the front door to grab the Chinese delivery.

At first you didn’t notice anything different, really. They’ve always been very attuned to you, very attached. It wasn’t abnormal for Johnny to cling to you like a barnacle for days after coming home from an op, only peeling away when he absolutely had to. They’ve always been around whenever you needed something, always been able to anticipate your wants and desires, always taken care of you, when they’re home. But this… this is different.

But now, it’s all starting to feel… suffocating. Just a little.

It started with your commute to work. You usually walk the few blocks to the train stop, and then ride the E line all the way in to your office, reverse for the way home. You’ve always gotten to work this way, without issue, and you’ve never considered it to pose one, until the morning Johnny walked you the entire way.

“What’re you doing?” You eye him curiously as you slide on your black boots, the ones with the short, chunky heel, the height just enough to keep your pants elevated from the wet sidewalks and streets.

“Walking to the stop with ye?” He quips, like it’s obvious, and you can feel the tug of the sour frown on your lips. Why is he walking you to the train? He never does that.

“You don’t need to… I’m fine on my own.” The last sip of decaf washes down your throat, and you reach for your bag.

“I know, still…” he trails off, and his hand folds over yours, rubbing a thumb across your knuckles before sliding your grip free, and pulling the black bag into his own. He steps closer, and closer, until you can feel the heat of his breath, the warmth of his skin on yours. He cups a hand over your belly, sliding up and down before lowering his mouth to yours sweetly, pressing his lips against for you a long kiss. “Gotta take care of you two.” He says when he pulls away, and you can’t stop the playful eye roll that comes as a response.

“Okay, fine.”

You let it go, because you didn’t mind the extra company, and it wasn’t like he was getting on the train with you. Just walking you to and from the stop. Every day. Rain or shine.

You had assured them both, a week later, that no one needed to walk the few blocks with you, but Simon shook his head immediately, squashing your insistence, and you dropped it.

And then, a few days later, you tried to go to the grocery store.

“Don’t cry, love. Please don’t cry.” Johnny begs, eyes wide with concern, while Simon sits next to you, soft hand on your neck.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just… I have all these emotions and they feel so strong right now.” Hormones. That’s what you blamed mostly everything on right now, the baby making you feel somewhat crazy, crazier than you normally feel.

“It’s alright.” Simon tries to soothe you, and you nod before leaning over into his chest. There’s some shifting, and then Johnny is cuddled up on your other side, arms holding you firmly.

You sit there for a while, until you feel composed, until your heart rate is normal, your breathing even and head clear.

“Okay.” You sniffle and wipe your nose with a laugh. “Okay. I’m okay. I’m going to get going.”

“Get going?” Simon poses the question with an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I was going to the grocery store… remember?” You gesture to the pile of canvas bags on the table, and Johnny frowns.

“I can go for you, darling.”

“No, I want to go. It’ll be good, get some fresh air. Get out of the flat.” Simon stills, muscles zinging into stone, lines of his face shifting until they’re frozen. The scar on his chin shines in the low light of the lamp, and you watch the sheen of the pink flesh move when his teeth grind.

“I’ll go with you.”

“You hate the store. And it’s not-“

“I don’t mind.” He responds instantly, and you shrug.

He keeps a hand on you the entire time. Firm pressure on the small of your back as you walk, arm around your waist as you stand in front of the dairy fridge. He takes up so much space, it makes everyone else circumvent around you, and when he scowls at them, they scurry in opposite directions.

“Are you… is everything, okay?” You’re hesitant with the question, and he looks down in concern.

“Of course, are you alright?”

“I’m fine… you just seem. On edge.” He rolls his neck and then shakes his head no, before pulling the now full canvas bag from your hands.

“Everything is alright, darling. Don’t worry.” You can’t help but give him a skeptical look, before sighing, turning away to start towards the yogurt. You rub your belly absentmindedly, eyeing the ice cream, when you feel something bump you, the hard edge of metal in your back, like a trolley, and you turn to see a teenager with a gobsmacked look on his face.

“So sorry, I didn’t mean-“ the kid tries to get out his apology but it’s far too late, Simon’s already corralling you in his arms, pulling you away and into him while openly glaring at the scared teen.

“Watch where yer bloody walking.” He hisses, and you can see the harsh line of his jaw just beneath the mask, veins in his arms flaring to life with his anger.

“Hey, Si.” You rub his forearm, trying to pull his attention from where the kid stands, practically shaking in fear. “I’m fine. Nothing happened.” You give the kid a jerk of your head, the ‘get lost’ signal, and he scampers off without another word. “I’m okay. He hardly bumped me.” You whisper, folding your hand into his and tugging him closer. His gaze is locked to the teenager’s retreating back, until he snaps out of it, eyes finding yours with soft relief. “See?” You flourish your arms like you’re on display, and he rubs his face tiredly.

“Yeah. I see.”

After that… everything seemed to ramp up. Johnny would ride the train with you now, not just walk you to the stop. If you went for a walk, like your doctor instructed you should still be doing, they were hot on your heels. If you wanted to go out for something, like to run an errand, one of them was with you, like a shadow. It was consistent. Non stop. Suffocating.

And you let it build up. You let the hovering and following and everything go on and on until you couldn’t anymore. Until it all exploded.

You stop dead on the path, gravel crunching under the heel of your sneaker.

“What is going on with you two?” You demand, turning to face them both, fully. Johnny holds a water bottle out to you helplessly, like he thinks it will help quell your irritation, and you glare at it.

“What do you mean?”

“Something is wrong. Or off. You’re both… hovering. More than usual. More than… well, normal.”

“No we’re not.” Johnny denies and you scoff.

“Yeah, okay. Why are you lying?” When they stay silent, observing you, withholding from you, you feel the tears start to sting along your waterline.

“Oh darling, no. Please, don’t cry.”

“I thought we’re supposed to b-be honest with each other, and that’s clearly not what’s happening here.” You cry, fat tears now dripping down your cheeks, pressure in your chest mounting as you grapple with whatever it could be that they’re hiding.

“It’s not-“ Johnny starts but is cut off by Simon.

“We’re worried.”

“About what?”

“You. Us. Everything thing… it’s, this. Is a lot. For anyone.” A lot. A lot? A lot for you, maybe. Not so much for them. The bitter thought sinks like lead in your stomach. This was an accident. No one meant for this to happen, relax.

Still, it’s not like they were pregnant.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“We just worry, about everything. About you, and the baby. If something were to happen…” Johnny trails off, uncomfortable look on his face.

“We worry about you, darling.” Simon approaches you softly. “We worry it’s too much, about how you’re faring, if you’re overwhelmed, if you’re feeling like this is too much, if you might want to run-“

Oh.

Oh.

They’re worried you might bolt. Worried you might pack up and leave.

“I see.” The truth can sting, sometimes. When it comes from them, when it feels like they have so little faith in you.

You don’t respond, just rub an anxious palm over your belly while you wipe your tears with your free hand and hiccup through your tears.

“That’s what you think of me? That I’ll just… up and leave?” You leave the ‘again’ off the end of that question, because no one needs the reminder.

“No!”

“No.” Simon shakes his head. “No, darling. We’re sorry. We’re just… on edge. It’s a big thing, that’s happening.” You laugh a little, and step forward, just close enough for touch. Simon rubs your back, while Johnny rests your head on his shoulder.

“Yeah. Really big thing… we’re having a baby.”

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Can I get a poly!yandere alpha werewolf pack where we are an omega and we don't know it, as omega are very precious and rarely found the pack takes it upon them to keep us safe , sound and satisfyed and breeded full with pups....I love ur works very much author-nim🥰❤

😳

Thank you nim🥰 ❤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

A hundred years ago this would probably be a lot harder for you 

Probably them seeing you on a chance encounter

Before dragging you to their den in the forest before smothering and stuffing you in an insane and aggressive dogpile

But nowadays they’ve mellowed 

Or at least some of them have and lucky for you you have whole pack just like that

Consisting of 2 alphas and 2 (special case) betas 

Typically considered head-Alpha is Nero Nakamura

Who also happens to be a silent billionaire that runs his company with an iron-fist

He’d like to run his home life the same way but that couldn’t ever be a possibility when you have characters like Rori Tongs in control

Rori is a world-reknowned model and coach for Olympic swimmers

He’s sly he’s domineering and he loves nothing more than to make his fellow alpha squirm

His alphaness is more like a switch he chooses to turn on rather than a constant agenda but any of his betas or omega on the line and he’s an absolute villain

Next tier in their relationship Suki Nakamura the beta with alpha like tendencies that can woo even Nero into submission

He’s Nero’s number one assistant or was until he politely asked pummeled Nero into giving him a smaller role in the company, a manager position

He’s often called during business emergencies or whenever his Ceo is feeling peckish so he’s not above calling in his own favors

And last on the hierarchy until you come along is Eve Tongs

A shy and quiet beta with omega tendencies

Who’s constantly fighting off being bred because

“It’d be weird if I looked pregnant all the time!”

He says his worry is about being discovered but really he doesn’t want to close his shop to be heavily pregnant all alone

But now that you’re in the picture it won’t nearly be as bad: 

“Aww darling, no need to cry Suki’ll be back from the store with your craving snack.”

Rori cooed rubbing your swollen belly as he peppered your neck with kisses. You were crying again and while part of it was your craving for your typical low-priced meals it was a side-effect of your absolute confusion. Whoever you met at work or on your daily commute somehow goaded you into their trap of a penthouse. Which sooner than you could gather had you plump and at the whim to the multiple men who claimed to be werewolves. 

“I-I d-don’t understand, w-why is this happening?”

You continued to sob as Nero only seemed to pull you closer to him. Nero who had been in the room over came in sensing your distress cuddled on your other side to massage your head. 

“Love, I’m sure it's hard to realize this but as werewolves there's an order that we live by. I’m sure you’ll adapt as we go through our life together.”

“Yeah baby, you’ll get used to it!” 

You shook your head, resisting the weird calm that was being brought over you as the two men cuddled up against you. More tears fell from your eyes and you pushed away their affections unsuccessfully.

“Uhm m-maybe they don’t believe us about the…uh…werewolf thing…”

A silence formed as everyone had realized they never really did show you. Eve spoke from experience, he too was especially skeptical when Rori first came to him. Rori immediately perked up.

“Oh well that's an easy fix!” 

Immediately a pair of wolf-ears flicked out from his head and a tail from his lower back. Nero did the same and so did Eve. Stunned to silence you immediately stopped crying to just take in the strange sight. Hearing the door open Suki returns with store bags hanging from his arms.

“Oh! You guys are having a tails and ear party without me?!” 

He too flicks his own ears and tails out as he begins preparing the snack he just fetched. Still stunned you just sat still as Eve kneeled in front of you laying his head on your stomach before knowingly whispering. 

“After this liter is born you’ll turn into one too.”

[lance-space-mommy]

I'll Give You a Reason to Cry

Midoriya was thrilled to take Katsuma under his wing once he passed the UA entrance exam. UA High offered housing for those who didn’t have a place to stay, but anyone living at home could commute if they desired. Katsuma had no problem staying at the dorms, but his father had his reservations.

Katsuma's father recalled the young hero who saved his son. Reaching out to Midoriya, the father asked if Midoriya would be okay with hosting Katsuma while he attended UA High. Midoriya already had Kota staying in his place since he lived right next to UA and had no problem having another kid stay.

His apartment had felt very empty alone, so he appreciated the company.

Katsuma and Kota got along much to Midoriya’s joy. Kota saw a lot of Midoriya in Katsuma and took it upon himself to protect Katsuma no matter the costs. Katsuma was introduced to Eri through Kota and boom, a friend group was formed.

It wasn’t until a couple of months before their first year ended that Kota approached Midoriya to explain his worries about Katsuma’s girlfriend. The girl was from the business department.

According to Kota, the chick was trying to keep Katsuma away from him and Eri. That information wouldn’t be as concerning if it weren’t for the fact the girl would get angry if Katsuma talked to them.

Midoriya wasn't inexperienced in the dating world. Midoriya knew what kinds of people to stay away from romantically. He had been in many failed relationships, but most of the time it was because he knew his worth and what he wanted out of life.

Midoriya knew that the red light was blinking and the warning sirens were blaring. Kota's explanation was enough to concern Midoriya. Midoriya would kill for his children. There was no way he was going to let some grubby future Hero Commission worker hurt his baby.

Kota knew just how far Midoriya would go for those he cared about and was more than happy to throw the emotionally and verbally abusive girlfriend under the bus.

Unfortunately, Midoriya didn’t have to initiate the conversation because the following day Katsuma came home crying. Midoriya told Kota to give them a moment, not wanting to risk Katsuma hiding information because Kota was with them.

Kota and Katsuma got along, but sometimes embarrassing things happen in a relationship. Midoriya wasn't naive. After all, he went to UA High and his classmates were less than innocent when their third year at the school rolled around.

“Katsuma? What happened?” cooed Midoriya, letting the young teen rush into his arms.

“It’s Okamura," wept Katsuki, hiding his face in Midoriya's baggy shirt.

Midoriya tried to not sound aware of what was going on to get a full explanation. “Okamura? Your girlfriend? What did she do?”

“I was just talking to Shoji-sensei with Kota and Eri about your upcoming patrol. Okamura must have been watching and started screaming in my face about how I was hiding stuff from her and that I was a horrible boyfriend,” cried Katsuma, clearly distressed that he was screamed at for no reason.

Midoriya did everything in his power to not walk out of the home, tell the kid’s parents everything, and then tell Nezu to expel her. No one made his son cry, especially for no reason.

Midoriya let out a soft sigh before pulling back and cupping Katsuma’s wet face and using his thumbs to wipe away tears. “Has she done stuff like this before?”

“Yes, all the time. She won’t let me have any friends. She’s constantly trying to make me sneak out and spend the night,” revealed Katsuma, making it clear that Okamura isn’t respecting his boundaries or what he cares about.

Midoriya was becoming more worried than anything else. It was clear what Okamura was trying to pressure Katsuma into doing. Midoriya understood Katsuma was getting older and it wouldn’t be shocking if he was curious about sex. But, if Katsuma wasn’t interested in doing it and Okamura was trying to get Katsuma to do dangerous things even if he wasn’t interested, that was a serious problem.

“If she gets this angry at the little things, she will only get worse as time passes. This girl doesn’t respect the people you care about. She doesn’t value your space or privacy. She doesn’t care about your comfort. I’ll support whatever decision you make, but don’t expect me to allow her to step foot in this house because if I see her, she’ll be too scared to even look your way once I’m done talking to her,” said Midoriya in a scarily calm voice.

Katsuka weakly smiled, simply sinking into Midoriya’s touch and hiding his face into Midoriya's puffy sweater. “I’m scared to end things with her.”

“Don’t be. She’d be stupid to try messing with you. Having you under my wing, every hero in the school would be willing to die for you. Okamura would be expelled immediately as well. She's not fit to be a hero if she lashed out at you," reassured Midoriya, brushing Katsuma's bangs around to fluff them.

"You're right. I'll ask Eri and Kota to be nearby when I do it!" chirped Katsuma, feeling a lot better about getting himself out of a bad relationship.

Three days have passed since Katsuma ended his relationship with Okamura. The breakup was far from easy and peaceful. Eri had to step in when it sounded like Okamura was preparing to strike Katsuma. Kota had been waiting for the moment Okamura tried anything so he had permission to physically intervene.

After the breakup, Okamura wasn't backing down. It was clear she wasn't when Kota and Eri couldn't find Katsuma one day. When they were looking around, they soon realized they couldn't find Okamura either. Kota and Eri's calls went to voicemail when they attempted to call Katsuma.

Panicking, the duo ran to the teacher's lounge to help them find Katsuma. Nezu caught the drift of what was happening and quickly checked the cameras only to find Okamura forcefully dragging Katsuma to a vacant classroom.

Kota tried to beat the heroes to Okamura, but they got to the empty classroom first. Katsuma was unconscious and Okamura was caught red-handed restraining a beaten-up Katsuma to a chair. Heroes were sent to capture and restrain the teen.

None of the adults knew what to do. When it came to Midoriya, no one messed with his kids. When it came to children in general, Midoriya would happily destroy anyone who even tried to put a child in harm's way.

The adults were evenly split about telling Midoriya. Half wanted to fix the problem in privacy knowing Midoriya would raise hell. The other half wanted to immediately tell him so hell wasn’t raised upon them, there was no stopping Midoriya and he would find out any moment now.

While the adults were deciding what to do, Kota urgently called Midoriya.

"Izuku! Izuku!" shouted Kota, not waiting for Midoriya to greet him.

Deku, who was currently in the middle of capturing a villain alongside his hero partner Dynamight, froze at Kota's frantic tone. "Kota? What happened? What's going on?"

"It's Katsuma! Okamura-," started Kota, only to be cut off.

"I'm on my way," announced Midoriya in an eerily calm tone.

All Kota could do was smile as Midoriya ended the call abruptly. His dad was pissed and Okamura was going to wish she never met Katsuma when Midoriya was done with him.

Bakugo blasted the villain, watching the police force rush to capture the unconscious villain. Turning to Midoriya, Bakugo froze when he saw Midoriya's dark expression.

"Izuku? What the hell?" yelled Bakugo over the sirens.

"Something happened. I'm heading to UA. Right. Now," seethed Midoriya, shooting his gaze to his best friend.

"I'm coming with. You look like you're going to kill someone," remarked Bakugo, eager to see what was about to go down.

Midoriya chuckled to himself, freaking out Bakugo. "Oh, once I know what that dumb girl did, I just might."

Katsuma was in the nurse's office, currently getting his vitals checked since no one knew exactly what Okamura did to knock someone as strong as Katsuma out. The adults were still discussing their mode of action when Nezu revealed that Midoriya was here.

The adults were panicking, trying to figure out what they were going to tell the number one hero. Their panic only doubled when they found out the number two hero, Midoriya's hero partner, the one and only Bakugo Katsuki, was with him.

Kota and Eri were beside Bakugo as Midoriya took the lead. Midoriya entered the nurse's office, immediately tending to Katsuma. "I'm going to kill that little punk. I guess she is stupid enough to hurt one of my precious jewels."

Katsuma silently cried into Midoriya's chest, feeling safe in the presence of his guardian. "She... she."

Midoriya shushed Katsuma, seeing that Katsuma was not ready to talk about what happened. Turning to the new nurse, the pro-hero Healflame, Midoriya tried to remain kind.

"What did Okamura do?"

"From what I can tell, she failed to properly inject Katsuma with an unknown substance I'm getting tested now. Okamura also physically attacked Katsuma once she injected the substance into him, most likely the way Katsuma ended up unconscious. There will be some bruising on his head, wrists, and legs, but is fine otherwise."

Midoriya screamed at Nezu, Katsuma's teacher, and Okamura's teacher. The fact that Okamura wasn't in handcuffs only enhanced his rage.

"So you failed to protect my child, but you are now protecting a criminal? That monster practically kidnapped and assaulted my child in this school and you all are protecting her?" shrieked Midoriya, his face growing red from how angry he was.

Nezu bowed his head and sighed, "We can't do anything. Okamura's case depends on Katsuma."

"And you wanna know why you can't do anything? My son was knocked un-fucking-conscious!" Midoriya couldn't help but laugh in disbelief. "You know, after all the shit my class went through in our time here, you still manage to fail to protect children Nezu."

Nezu remained silent, staring at Midoriya in shock and hurt. Everyone in the room knew Midoriya hit where it hurt. No one could blame Midoriya because what he said was true.

Shoji rushed to bow before Midoriya. "I sincerely apologize for the harm I have caused Katsuma and I'm planning on apologizing to him personally. He mentioned Okamura was a bit on the crazy side, but I didn't know to the extent. I have failed your son and I promise to make it up to the both of you."

Midoriya smiled, patting Shoji's shoulder before giving it a tight squeeze. "The first thing you can do to make it up to me is to get that brat's parents here... now."

Shoji nodded, leaving the room to make the calls. Bakugo marched over and crossed his arms. "This is why you can't even break the top ten. If you paid attention and cared about your students, none of this shit would've happened."

Kota scoffed, "They didn't even seem to hurry when I told them to find Katsuma!"

"Yeah, they tried to tell us that we were being dramatic," ranted Eri, happy to call out the teacher's neglect.

Midoriya looked at Bakugo. "Kacchan."

"What nerd?"

"I need you to stop me if I can't hold back anymore."

Bakugo nodded, the only one equipped to stop Midoriya if he lost his cool. It wasn't often that Midoriya lost control of his emotions, but then again, Midoriya always struggled to control his heart when those he loved were hurt.

When Okamura's parents finally arrived, Midoriya guided them to a private room to discuss what happened. Midoriya genuinely believed that if he talked to the parents, they'd come to a resolution.

It didn't take long for Midoriya and Okamur's parents to disagree.

"Our precious daughter would never do that!" cried the girl's mother.

Midoriya narrowed his eyes, getting suspiciously calm. "Oh? So you want to play that game."

The woman wasn't having any of it. "How dare you insinuate our child was capable of harming Katsuma! She loves that boy with all her heart!"

"You're daughter may have loved my kid, but she had a horrible way of showing it. Your daughter is the reason why they broke up, she made my son cry. Your child is a demented lunatic! She assaulted my kid!" argued Midoriya, his composure slipping.

The woman gasped, pointing a finger at Midoriya. "You're crazy! I don't care if you're some hot-shot hero, you're the crazy one!"

"I don't care if protecting my son makes me crazy. And... just so you know, parent to parent, I don't care what you say anymore. I was willing to come to some kind of resolution, but that's over now. I won't let your criminal of a child get away with what she did and she will not be getting away with a lousy slap on the wrist. Her future is over," promised Midoriya heartlessly.

"You can't do this!" exploded the woman, her face bright red as panic settled in her gut.

"Oh, but I can, and I am more than happy to let you know that your daughter will never become a hero because I am going to get her banned from this school and all other hero schools. Your child is a villain and if she does manage to get away with this... I will make sure that the rest of her life is a hell she can't escape,” vowed Midoriya, his smile anything but welcoming.

Midoriya happily got up and left the horrified mom and neglectful dad in the room. Opening the door, Midoriya was met with Bakugo and Kota eavesdropping. Midoriya rolled his eyes at Bakugo's stunned expression.

"Damn Izuku. You should date me," suggested Bakugo, shooting his shot.

Kota fake gagged, offended. "Back off old man!"

Midoriya patted Bakugo's bicep. "Ask me later Kacchan. I'm in the middle of something."

"The middle of being a badass," complimented Kota, smiling at the memory of Midoriya giving those parents a piece of his mind.

Thankfully with Midoriya's power and status, Okamura was expelled and charged with assault even though most children don't ever get serious charges. The substance Okamura tried to inject Katsuma with was another piece of evidence that made it easy for Midoriya to get his way.

Katsuma had a quick recovery and his bond with Midoriya somehow managed to get even stronger. Kota and Eri also managed to get even closer to Katsuma, growing even more overprotective. Midoriya was happy to shelter and defend the kids who were put under his care.

No one fucked with Midoriya’s kids.

[hannahssimblr]

I watch the clock above the whiteboard as the minute hand inches closer and closer to twelve. Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds…

It’s five. My chair scrapes against the linoleum and I start running. Past Mr. Doherty’s desk, out the door, into the hallway, down the stairs, damn it why is this school so big? Another hallway, a foyer, the front entrance… 

“Don’t forget to sign out!” The secretary calls after me and I huff and turn back around, yanking my student ID card out of my pocket and slamming it into the sign-in machine, and then I hurry out, down the steps, out the gate and onto the rush hour Clontarf streets. 

The air is like daggers on my face and my school bag is weighed with a ton of books. My stupid trousers and my stupid blazer are slowing me down too, as is having to wait for the stupid green man at the stupid pedestrian crossing. I don’t bother in the end, I just swerve through traffic and give the woman in the SUV who blows her horn at me the middle finger. 

The house is so far up the Howth Road that it might as well be in Killester, and I sprint the whole way with my bag jostling, as commuters alighting the buses onto the darkened winter streets glance at me with dull surprise as I thunder past them and shove through the gates of a little enclave community of Georgian houses concealed from the road. 

I knock on the door of number two.

“Oh, we thought you’d forgotten about us,” Ivy’s piano teacher looks rightfully perturbed when she answers.

I have to cling onto the doorframe and catch my breath, “I’m so sorry, they made me stay behind at school.”

“It’s ten past five, her lesson ended forty minutes ago. I had her sitting in for the entire duration of the lesson after hers.”

“I know, I know,” I wheeze, “Is she okay?”

“Well she’s a little upset,” She goes through the hallway door to retrieve my teary eyed sister from the practice room. “We thought you forgot about her, actually I tried to phone you several times…”

“Ivy…” I hold my hand out to her and she regards me with a furious clenched jaw and a hot, teary face. She fists her hands into my blazer and shoves her face into it so that her teacher won’t see her crying and I just lamely pat her shoulder in apology. “Um, well, I’ll pay you the money anyway, I’ll give you double for the trouble…”

“No, just the usual is fine.” Her teacher says with pursed lips, “These things happen but just know I’m on a schedule, and I’m not a babysitter…”

“I know, again, I’m so sorry. Thank you for looking after her, I… it won’t happen again. I’ll be on time next week.”

“I’m certain you will.”

Ivy tries to make me carry her home on my back as reparations, but I beg her for mercy after two minutes because she is not three and tiny anymore, my bag weighs as much as her and I’m still so gruesomely hungover that I’m not sure how far I can even carry my own body without needing to crumple up in a heap on the ground. She’s merciful today and lets me away with it, possibly because she can tell I’m off, but she doesn’t let me forget what I put her through. 

“I want you to make me pizza tonight,” she demands, “With pepperoni, and not chorizo like you got last time, it’s not the same. I want pepperoni. And do you remember that time you got that packet of it with spicy pepper around the outside? Well I don’t want that either.”

“Uh huh, how about you give me a break?”

“You left me at my piano lesson!”

“Yeah, I recall.”

She peers up at me, “Are you sick? You look horrible.”

“Thanks for that. Yeah, I am. I think I ate something funny.”

“Oh…” She looks troubled, “Well can you still make me pizza?”

The idea of going through the effort of the flour and the dough and the tomato sauce makes me feel slightly faint, “How about I buy you a pizza instead? Yeah? And I don’t mean a frozen one from the supermarket, I mean one from the Italian pizzeria down in the village.”

She gasps. 

“But you have to eat it in the restaurant. We’re not bringing it home and getting caught out by leaving the box in the bin. And when mom and dad get home later on you can tell them that I made you something healthy for dinner instead.”

“You’re a liar,” She says with a sly smile that creeps up her face, “We’re both liars.”

“Yeah, dead right. It pays off.”

“I’m still upset about the piano lesson.”

I muss up her hair, “No you’re not, shut up.”

“Uh huh! I am. When we get to the restaurant I might need a milkshake too.”

“You’re pushing it, Ivy, you can’t push me…”

“I can,” she shrugs, and it’s a fact so undeniable that all I can do is laugh. 

“Yeah, well, we’ll see about that milkshake when we get there.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

[actress4him]

March Trope-A-Thon Day 1

I had no plans of actually participating in this event before today, and I don’t know how many days I’ll actually get something written, but I looked at the prompts and suddenly had a desire to write comfort - a very, very rare occasion for me! So enjoy a little bit of fluff for our baby Lili.

This takes place during her homeless days, between chapters 4 and 5 of Querencia, and sometime after the “Christmas” piece.

Taglist: @darthsutrich , @inky-whump , @painful-pooch , @pigeonwhumps , @bookworm2107 

Querencia Masterlist

Fandom: Original Work

Prompt: Come in from the Cold

Contains: lady whump (no whumper), homeless whumpee, cold

.

.

According to the thermometer on the bank sign, the temperature has been hovering around freezing for several days now. Snow fell on the second day, melted in the sun enough to turn into slush on the third day, then refroze overnight so that everything is coated in a layer of ice. The roads have been salted and cleared and are still full of commuters. Other than going to work, though, most people are trying their best to stay at home where they have heat and fireplaces and warm food to fill their stomachs.

Liliana has taken to sleeping during the day and walking the sidewalks at night when the temperature drops to its lowest point. Even then, she’s still afraid every time she falls asleep that she won’t wake up again. 

The cold seeps straight through her torn hoodie and thin undershirt, through her skin with no fat left beneath it, and settles in her bones. The hand with arthritis aches constantly. Her feet are shriveled inside her shoes, wet from slush getting in where the sole gapes open. She lost feeling in them a long time ago. 

Today she’s done all the sleeping she can do for now, too cold to get comfortable again. It hasn’t been that long since she made her normal dumpster rounds the night before, so she wanders down some different streets than usual, clapping her hands together and stomping her feet in a vain effort to warm them. 

The public library catches her attention. It’s not the same one she used to go to as a child, but it still brings back that feeling of nostalgia and magic just looking through the windows at the shelves of books. She doesn’t even entertain the thought that she’d be allowed inside to browse, as disgusting as she is, and she certainly won’t be able to check out any books to help her pass the long, lonely days. The few that she brought with her from home have been read over and over again so many times that the covers are falling off.

But…maybe they won’t run her off right away if she just sits in the entry?

The automatic doors fly open with a suddenness that makes her jump and immediately rethink her idea. That was so loud, surely she’s drawn all kinds of attention to herself already. But no one seems to be coming to shoo her away, and the warmth that she can feel inside is so enticing that she can’t help but take a step in.

It isn’t toasty warm. Even when the doors slide shut behind her, the small foyer is a far cry from being inside a house with the heat running. But it’s dry, and there’s no wind, and it’s enough of a temperature change that she thinks she might be able to actually thaw her fingers and nose and ears if she’s able to stay long enough.

There’s a bench along one wall, but Liliana is keenly aware of how dirty she is, and she doesn’t want to sully anything. She settles cross-legged on the floor in the opposite corner, instead. It’s such a strange sensation just to be inside for once, to be sitting on tile instead of pavement or concrete, to have windows to look out of instead of into. She rubs her gloved hands together, breathing warm air into them from time to time, and keeps an eye on the door that leads into the library itself.

The outside door opens again once, letting in a man wearing a suit under his thick coat to drop off a couple of books in the return slot. He gives her an odd look, but doesn’t say anything before disappearing with another blast of cold air.

It takes longer than she’d expected before anyone from inside approaches. Her fingertips have started to tingle, her nose is running, and her ears are burning beneath her hood. As soon as the inside door slides open, though, she’s on her feet, ready to run away.

“Hi, sweetie.” The young woman that leans into the entry looks like a librarian - thick rimmed glasses, auburn hair swept up into a bun. “Did you want to come inside? It’s much warmer in here, and we actually just made a batch of hot cocoa if you’d like some.”

Liliana is stuck in limbo, staring at her. She’d fully expected to be told she couldn’t stay. She never thought she’d be invited further in, and certainly not offered hot cocoa of all things. 

The woman is still standing there, waiting for an answer, and that means she’s going to have to actually…speak. She doesn’t even know when the last time was she used her voice. Still, she manages to dig it up from where it’s buried somewhere deep, though it’s rough and much more hesitant than it ever used to be. 

“I-I…I can’t. I m-mean, thank you, but, but I can’t…come in, I’m…” She doesn’t know how to complete that thought out loud. “I-I’m not…clean,” she finally decides on. 

The librarian smiles softly and waves a dismissive hand. “We’re not worried about that, sweetie. There’s nothing in here that can’t be cleaned if we need to. Come on, come inside.” She steps back and makes a welcoming gesture with her arm.

She shouldn’t. But she wants to, so badly. She won’t touch the books, those can’t easily be cleaned no matter what the lady says, but if she could just look at their spines for a few minutes, and feel the warm air, and…pretend to be normal for just a little while…

She takes one hesitant step forward, then another. The woman’s smile only grows. There’s no sign of her taking back her offer. So Liliana keeps walking, skirting past the woman on the far side of the doorway, until she’s enveloped in the overwhelming warmth and distinct smell of the library. 

“Thank you,” she remembers to say almost belatedly. “I, I won’t stay long, I just, um…I w-was just trying to warm up a little.”

“You can stay as long as you’d like, dear.”

There’s another, older lady behind the counter who’s already sliding a styrofoam cup toward her full of steaming liquid. “Do you like hot chocolate? We didn’t have any marshmallows, unfortunately.” 

She nods. “I don’t…I don’t need it, though…”

“Nonsense, you need it far more than the two of us do,” the older lady scoffs. “It’ll help warm you up from the inside. Besides, if I drink all of this that she made, it’ll go straight to my hips.”

It feels awkward now not to take the cup, so she does, amazed by the heat soaking through her gloves and radiating up to warm her cheeks. “Th-thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Now why don’t you go find a seat somewhere and enjoy it. Grab a book to read while you’re here if you’d like, too!”

“O-oh, I, I couldn’t…”

The first woman smiles. “This is a library, sweetie. These books are made to be handled by anyone who likes to read. They can take it.” She leans in conspiratorially. “Besides, days like today were just made for curling up with a book. It would be a shame to waste the opportunity.”

They wave her off, and she finds herself wandering up and down the endless aisles in a daze, sipping at her hot cocoa once it’s cooled down slightly. She’s fairly certain that she might be dreaming. But even if she is, it’s a good dream, for once, and she’s not going to question it too much. 

Hesitant as she is to touch anything, eventually she can’t resist the call of the historical fiction novels. Finding one whose description intrigues her, she selects another spot on the floor, ignoring the armchairs she’s passed, and falls into a world of mystery and romance far, far away from her own life.

Even when it’s time for the library to close and the two women regretfully see her out - with another cupful of hot chocolate that she’s not sure her stomach can handle but she’ll hold onto as long as she can, and a hundred instructions to come back and read some more anytime she’d like - her mind is still far away from the ice covered sidewalks and the bitter cold. Thoughts of sword fights, royal intrigue, and the kindness of two librarians keep her company through the long, frigid night.

[victorian-muff-daddy]

Fuck the American healthcare system. I’m so tired of the bullshit.

Was driving to a dr’s appt, when suddenly the map app updated to include an accident on the highway that added 26 minutes to my commute. I was already going to be driving an hour and a half to get to this office, so I call them en route and ask what I should do.

I’m told the dr is “very strict” about late cutoffs, and won’t see me after 15 minutes past my appt time, despite the fact that I was driving over an hour to get there and it was an accident on the highway that was going to make me ~30 minutes late.

I was also told that they can’t ask the dr because HE WASN’T EVEN IN THE OFFICE YET.

Their only solution was to tell me to reschedule, and the only availability is in two weeks, on my birthday. For an urgent medical referral I needed to get this week, but my insurance won’t approve until I do the dr visit.

I turned around and drove home crying.

[cullenakingirog]

Personal story of a jeepney driver’s child about the phaseout:

[TRANSLATION: I feel bad for my papa :(( He is a jeepney driver so when he learned that the jeep will be phased out, we weren’t able to properly speak to him for almost a whole week since it always seemed that his mind was far away like awhile ago, I woke at around 3 am then I saw him sitting at the sofa speaking to our dog when I heard him crying while stroking our dog. “I feel bad for my kids if their papa has no job since driving is the only thing I know how to do. It would have been okay if I studied something, I’d be able to find a job immediately but what about me who didn’t graduate elementary?” then he laughed but I know papa’s struggling, it hurts so much. :(( #NOTOJEEPNEYPHASEOUT]

Explanation why the Jeepney phaseout is not well-planned:

[TRANSLATION: Your office gave a memo that they will replace your PC with a Macbook.

You and your workmates were delighted because, wow, Macbook. It’s faster. Better.

But you learned that the payment for the Macbook is coming out of your own pockets. One Macbook is 75k PHP, but you get to pay monthly installments. 7k a month for the next 10 months.

But how could that be if your salary is only 18k? Your commute, meals and money to give to your family.

You tried to negotiate with the company, you told them that you can’t pay that amount. That your salary can’t make it work.

But your company tells you it’s required. So that the company will look good. So the company won’t look like it’s struggling.

So either you agree to pay in installments for an expensive new laptop, or you’re fired.

That is the Jeepney Phaseout. That is what the jeepney drivers are going through. They are being forced to pay in installments for a new jeep they can’t even afford.

If this happened to your job, you would be protesting too.]

Why should we say no to the Jeepney Phaseout?

[TRANSLATION: With the PUV Modernisation, jcommute would cost 34 PHP minimum.

Jeepney drivers will be forced to buy the modernised vehicles at 2.5 million PHP for each vehicle. Because of this, the commute cost will have to go up for the operators to be able to pay the bank loans and the other expensive operational costs.

This isn’t genuine modernisation. This is a burden to the commuter, driver and operator.

So let’s say #NoToJeepneyPhaseout! Let’s fight for a pro-people, worker-led, just transition!]

[flimflamfandom]

Room Mates (vignette)

Ivy Pepper stared at the wall in her dorm room, and grumbled as she wiped the chalk off with cloth. “You’re lucky I took a picture of this, Helen, or my homework would be RUINED!”

“You’re lucky I even let you write up there in the first place!”

Ivy furiously scribbled down notes from her notebook, after VERY quickly getting some fi;m developed. She grumbled to herself as she worked. “Stupid Helen...bet she can’t even SPELL Nodal!”

Ivy had been working hard at a few problems her projective geometry teacher had given her, all to do with Self space dual curves. She HAD been working the math on the wall and writing the shapes onto graph lined paper. But Helen, the STODGY WENCH SHE WAS, had demanded she wash the wall off. So, she was back to work, trying to get her numbers down. 

Helen looked over her shoulder at her work. “That Y should be negative.” “I know it should be negative.” “Then why didn’t you write down that it was negative?” “Because I KNOW it’s supposed to be! You already bungled my process once!” “...is this really about that boy?” Ivy scoffed. “What? No. I don’t care WHAT you think about him. But I DO care that now I have to waste notebook pages like some sort of PHILISTINE!” “Yeesh, what is it with you and the chalk anyway!?” “The boys won’t let me into the workrooms! You know how boys are.” Ivy sighed. “Mathematics is a woman’s world and here they are, traipsing around like they own the place because every other science BeLoNgS to them.” She grumbled. “Makes me wanna hurl ‘em through a window.”

Helen shrugged. “I never knew anyone considered Math a girl thing.” “Sure, Emmy Noether?” “...who?” “The woman who figured out Commutative rings?” “...whats?” Ivy sighed, and opened up another sheet of notebook paper. “Commutative rings,” She said. “Are any ring in which multiplication is commutative.” She wrote a few things down. “So AB=BA for any B or A value.” “...You lost me at rings, actually, where do rings come in?” Helen turned her head to one side. “It’s a nonempty set with 2 operations and fulfilling certain requirements!” She began to write something down. “Here’s what you need for a ring.”

She hastily wrote, her tongue out, her eyes determined. Until she came up with...

1)  If a∈R and b∈R, then a⊕b∈R.

(2)  a⊕(b⊕c) = (a⊕b)⊕c

(3)  a⊕b=b⊕a

(4)  There is an element 0R in R such that a⊕0R=a , ∀a∈R .

(5) For each a ∈ R, the equation a⊕0R=a , ∀a∈R . a ⊕ x = 0R has a solution in R.

(6)  If a∈R, and b∈R, then ab∈R.

(7)  a⊗(b⊗c) = (a⊗b)⊗c.

(8)  a⊗(b⊕c) = (a⊗b)⊕(b⊗c)

...the rules for rings.

“...wow. That’s...a bit much, don’t you think?” “It’s not SO bad. It’s basic algebraic structuring, Helen! The building blocks of math!” “...sure it is.” Helen nodded slowly. “Oh, c’mon, don’t tell me you aren’t able to follow this! You’re smart as a whip!” “I look at stars and make charts out of them, Ivy. The math I know about is geometry and-” “Well, if it’s geometry you’re after, take a look at my homework!” “Not THAT sorta geometry!” Helen said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I need some fresh air...you math people are bonkers.” Ivy crossed her arms and looked as she left. “Well, sure, go on and leave us mathematicians for your scientific breakthroughs and easy headlines! But when you need to calculate the trajectory of an asteroid, DON’T COME CRYING TO ME!” “I won’t!” Helen waved. She shut the door. Ivy grumbled.

Later that night, Ivy was still hard at work, and Helen came back in, with a few things. Looked like a brown paper bag of things. She looked over. “Still working?” “Mhm.” “Damn...Professor Holly really IS a jerk, huh?” “Yeah...I work better on chalk.” She said. “I guess I just...visualize it better.” “...” Helen handed her a small chalkboard. “It’s not the wall. But it’s there.” She smiled. “I also got you a coke. It’ll help you finish.” “...” Ivy smiled, warmly. “Thanks, Helen...sorry about earlier.” “It’s no trouble...so, self space dual curves, huh?” “Yep.” “How do those work?” “...I’m glad you asked...”

[gurugirl]

Hey guru! I need a bit of advice/someone to rent to 😮‍💨 I’ve been at my current job for 3 years and it’s not something I totally love, but I think I’m relatively good at it and I like my coworkers. But lately, I’ve been getting in trouble a lot and I will admit, I’ve been tardy a few times so those were justified but I just feel like my boss is watching me under a microscope and treating me a bit unfairly, compared to the other girls.

For example, I was in the bathroom for a little long (10-15 minutes maybe) and he asked me if I had a medical condition and that’s why I was in there for a long time? while other girls take just as long (or longer), or their late by 30-45 minutes and it’s no big deal. So I just feel under appreciated and picked on tbh

And now, he hired a new manager and I definitely feel like he’s told her things about me because I feel like she came in already judging me and “spying” on me for my boss. She’s even gone as far as telling one of my coworkers that I’m lazy and if she had to choose someone to let go, it would be me. The laziness comment was made because per my boss, I’m supposed to be “teaching” her the things I know so one time I tried to tell her how to help a client on the phone instead of just taking the call from her and she got mad and told people I just didn’t want to do any work and I was lazy when that definitely wasn’t the case.

So then with all of that in my head, I started looking for another job (thinking I’m gonna be fired) and the interview I went to today offered me the job right at the end. At first I was excited and I said yes but now I’m second-guessing myself 😔 I would take a significant pay cut and I’m just nervous to be in a new environment. I don’t know if I should’ve just stuck my current job out until I paid all January bills off? But then I keep feeling like I’ll be fired any day now so maybe I should just start this job and worry about money later? Ugh idk I’m so lost and I can’t stop crying over this

Oh my gosh babe. I’m so sorry. Workplace strife is awful especially when it’s with a boss or a person who is your superior. I’ve totally been there before and it gives me anxiety thinking about it 😔

And it totally sucks that you felt like you needed to take a pay cut to get out of that situation but are there other things that are going to be better? Is it closer to home (shorter commute)? Maybe the the benefits are better? You know for certain you won’t be working under the thumb of someone who doesn’t like you unfairly. That’s one plus.

Maybe just take the new job, get away from that toxic workplace and keep looking for a job that pays a better wage in the meantime. It might suck to be making less for a bit but if the environment is better it might make you happier, even if you do wind up somewhere else in the future.

Also, if you felt like you were about to get fired anyway at least you have a job now! So you won’t be going without money.

I hope you find the perfect job that pays well with an amazing work environment soon. Good luck honey!

Xoxo

[lunaflowerlight]

The bathtub would make a good crying nook, I’d decided. Narrow, contained, and just comfortable enough to wallow in self pity in for hours on end, but still hard and cold enough so as to not be too kind to myself. 

I curled up ready for a good sob, but there’s a knock at the door.

‘Miss Hooper, Molly, I know you’re in there. I can smell your perfume.’

Oh, this is awkward.  Confession time: I’m not hiding in my own bathtub and I’m not in my bathroom....or even my flat....Ok, maybe it isn’t such a good place to have breakdown after all...But in my defense my near perfect boyfriend, Harold - the name being the only imperfection - had just dumped me on a packed tube carriage and there was no way I was going to stick around to cry in front of all those embarrassed commuters, so I leapt off at the first station not even caring which one it was.

I was in a daze and I don’t remember Mrs Hudson letting me in. She must have thought me a client. I just knew the address: 221B Baker Street, that’s where people go when they need help but no one but him can help. 

The door opens and I briefly think about snatching at a towel to hide under, but that would be one step too far towards madness. I’m not sure that I care too much in any case.

Sherlock Holmes - or The Jerk  as I sometimes think of him - is a recent acquaintance. He sneaks into my corner of the hospital and beats the corpses with a riding crop. He can be rude, but I think he’s okay. He certiantly likes to think of himself as being the smartest person in the room, because he is usually.

Right now, he just looks baffled. 

‘Why are you crying in my bathtub?’ he eventually asks. ‘Obviously, I can see your boyfriend has just ended things with you, quite brutally, but why are you here?’

I glance around the room searching for inspiration.

‘It just seemed like a good place to hide from the world. Don’t you ever feel like hiding?’

For a moment the cold mask of arrogance slips and a softer expression shows on his face. He comes sits by the tub.

‘Sometimes,’ he admits. ‘You’ll be okay, Molly, you’ll find someone.’

Fat tears begin to fall once more.

‘I don’t understand people,’ I choke, squeezing my eyes shut. ‘I mean, when they’re corpses they’re easy to understand, but when alive....they don’t make sense....that’s why my relationships don’t last...I’m a freak, Sherlock. I’ll always be alone.’

I jump when I feel his hand close around mine. I open my eyes, he’s looking so tenderly at me.

‘You won’t be alone because I’ll be your boyfriend,’ he says.

‘What? But we don’t know each other.’

He brushes the wet strands of hair out of my eyes. The light touch of his fingertips against my skin sends a chill down my spine. I’ve never felt anything like it before.

‘Isn’t love not being able to stop thinking about one another?’ he whispers, sounding unsure of himself. ‘To think that someone is the most beautiful, interesting person in the world? To care about them? And to not be afraid of being vulnerable in front of them? I think that’s what love must be, although I’ve never been in love before, but I feel it for you, Molly. I felt it since I first saw you eight weeks and three days ago. Would you like me to be your boyfriend?’

I rest my face again the warm palm of his hand and nod. 

‘I think I love you too,’ I hear myself say.

‘Perhaps we can figure love out together? Please stay.’

I can’t help but laugh a little with relief and happiness and sadness and shame and confusion, a huge mixed up swirl of emotions I can’t identify. I just know I feel strongly. I want to laugh and cry and dance around and bite and kiss, kiss, kiss him.

‘I’d like that. I’ll stay,’ I say shakily, clinging to him for comfort. ‘Please hold me.’

He sits on the side of the tub and wraps his arms tightly around me, rocking me, kissing my hair. 

This might be love, feeling safety and exhilaration all at the same time.

[medicallymercury]

About Time - Casualty Hiatus Thoughts - Part 1/?

I used to include real life updates in my episode reviews. I think I’m ill and it’s really bad timing for like a bunch of stuff I need to get done over the next two weeks so I’m mainly writing this to try and make myself feel less like a deflated balloon. I guess I miss Casualty now? But also I don’t really want it back because I really don’t trust that I’ll like where it goes next. I have things I really should be doing but instead I'm typing this up and finding a way to look at AO3 on my Switch Lite.

I feel like I’ve been putting off typing this up for two reasons. One, it’s a lot of energy to put my Casualty thoughts into semi-coherent words, especially in between writing stuff for uni, because in my head my Casualty thoughts are mostly just “I’m so nauseous about the pretend paramedics”. Two, my thoughts are almost exclusively about the paramedics, specifically mostly about Teddy, and for some reason I’m worried about coming across obsessive? BREAKING NEWS: Autistic Person Is Obsessive About Special Interest, More At Ten! Like, yeah, I do sound like Teddy is all I think about, because he kind of is all I think about lately. I’ve been feeling more self conscious about it lately, I guess, but I trust that anyone also still hanging around in the Casualty fandom this far into the hiatus can’t be all that different from me and therefore won’t judge me.

Also, there's no connecting theme in this post. The theme is 'things that have been on my mind during the hiatus' and that's quite varied and random so I might seem like I'm jumping between topics a lot.

Having written this post now, I worry parts of it come across very critical of Teddy who is my beloved favourite character. If I like a character, they’re gonna get picked apart and they’re rarely gonna come out of it 100% positive. I love him and I think he’s such a great character who has been a very kind and sweet person throughout his existence in Casualty that’s kind of being forgotten a bit right now. I also think he has done objectively bad things recently but he’s also going through a lot and I’m very sympathetic about that. So if this post comes across negative about him: I love and feel very :( for him, I just also love hating on my faves.

The BBC actually personally attacked me by making Sah and Teddy go through weird-queer-friendship breakup while I was using them to cope with my own weird-queer-friendship breakup. Now, Spotify is continuing the personal attack by playing Night Shift and The Frost whenever I'm on my commute. I cannot start crying over the pretend paramedics on this train, but also you've got a 9-to-5, so I'll take the night shift and I'll never see you again if I can help it and you're not here to see, it's just witness-less me. The overall polyfailure songs are I Bet On Losing Dogs and Cool About It, I do have a playlist but I did not plan to start going on about it in this post. Sah and Teddy are on my mind as they have been since I got back into Casualty (and kinda before then), I don't really ship them in the typical sense except for when it's also with Paige but their canon relationship is so interesting. They act like they're just mates or whatever, and then act about and towards each other in a way that they don't with any other person. My go-to way of describing it is that they're a little weird about each other. I appreciate that, at least until the end of Driving Force, they're still a little weird about each other. Proposing to your girlfriend out of immense jealousy towards your best friend who you basically won't talk to anymore is kinda weird, quitting your job over your best friend doing that is maybe less weird but they're both still making major decisions based on each other. I also really love how certain parts of their series 36 storylines are written as these paired opposites but that's another post. Big thing on my mind is the idea that Teddy can't really pretend he never cared about Sah, he can't forget about them because he got shot for them and (for all that Casualty will absolutely forget it happened) that's gonna leave a scar, he can't ever get away from them and he won't forget their birthday ever again! Like, I can't get a Greggs without thinking of my weird friendship, can he exist without thinking of Sah? I'm! miserable! about! them! They're so incredibly Planet of Love and Wishbone by Richard Siken, except the guy getting shot in those poems is actually also called Theodore.

[The particularly them parts. Let's not talk about it!! Let's just not talk!!!]

On the topic of Teddy getting shot, I said I was gonna rewatch the start of Welcome to the Warzone so I can post episode reviews for all of that miniseries and then I did not do that. I’ve mostly been rewatching random series 36 episodes. I’ve been thinking a lot about With a Bullet, though. It’s the episode that dragged me properly back into Casualty but I always forget how busy it is? There’s so much happening that it kinda annoys me. At the core of the episode you’ve got a lot of great stuff with the paramedics that helps to establish stuff for later on in WTTW and Driving Force but then there’s all this other stuff also happening around it that is just not relevant. I honestly think the episode would be exponentially better if they just let it be a paramedic centric episode in the style of Is The Patient Breathing?. Cut back all the non-paramedic stuff (and anything in that episode about Iain and Faith, we got enough of that stuff in every other episode) and just have a couple of storylines happening around Teddy getting shot. Specifically, just focus on Teddy and Jan (and Gethin) to set up everything that has happened with Gethin, Teddy and Sah to set up everything that has happened with Paige, and Jacob and Iain to properly establish where Jacob is at in the team and like generally. Shove the other stuff into other episodes. Anyway, my point is that With a Bullet is on my mind cause it technically does a good job at setting these things up but is held back by everything else going on.

Switzerland has got me thinking a lot about the Jan-Teddy Wider Family Tree™ on so many levels:

I think it fits into this theme of Teddy not really being taken seriously or being perceived as having maturity by his family. Not being taken seriously is such a consistent thing with Teddy that it's actually very hard to concisely talk about it, there's so many tangents and even like his name is a diminutive. I think it's been something that's built up to this point where he's trying to prove people wrong and make them take him seriously. That's kind of where I think the proposal comes from. But with his family, his anger in Switzerland, to me, is about being kept out of stuff because they don't really think he is mature enough to get it. And I do think Teddy would have come to accept Gethin's decision like Jan did if he had been included. Teddy being seen as immature is dragged back up by Jan when she tells him to grow up after he wants to give Gethin the benefit of the doubt in With a Bullet, and it's interesting to me that it's this like kindness and forgiveness that is perceived as being immature. Honestly, when you get that family together they do kind of struggle to be consistently nice to each other for very long, except for maybe Teddy who has actually been the one trying mediate a lot before. So when he's saying all this pretty horrible stuff in the argument in Switzerland, isn't that kind of maturity by these standards? He's jumping between saying very actually childish things and saying stuff that is comparable to the stuff Gaynor says to Jan. Honestly, ignore this section, I really feel like I can't effectively express what I'm thinking but there was an attempt.

I've got 'Teddy as Son 2.0' on my mind but it makes me nauseous to try and talk about it. Replacement son and replacement mother but in way that is as concerning as it is sweet. I started to think about it in Aftermath but it really came out full force in the final episodes of Driving Force. Specifically, Jan’s “What am I going to tell Ross?… And Teddy?” moment in Switzerland and the differences in how Gethin responds to those questions. Just bringing the two of them up in the same context like that. But looking back, this has been developing for a while. In With a Bullet, you’ve got Jan saying almost exactly what Gaynor said to Teddy in Break Your Heart and then cutting herself off and saying what she had said to him in that episode instead. (Actually, she even said in Break Your Heart that she loves Teddy as if he’s her own and then Gaynor gives us the only direct comparison ever made between Teddy and Ross: “Well he’s not, thank goodness. Look how well your’s turned out…”.) All the way back at the start of series 36, you have Teddy showing up and trying to get Jan and Ffion back together when they had separated over Ross stuff. Their stuff in Is The Patient Breathing? is explicitly about Jan being harsh on Teddy because she doesn’t want to lose him like she lost Lev and Fenisha, but also literally everything they get called to in that episode is to do with drugs in some way. Honestly, a couple years from now, I wouldn’t mind another storyline with Ross if it also involved Teddy. I am interested in what they might do there. Sure, they have like a 10 year age difference but my cousin is 11 years older than me and we still spent time together when I was a kid - the fact that Gethin immediately recognises Teddy when he sees him makes me think there must have been a period of relative okay-ness for the family when Teddy was very young. I think I just want to get all of them in a room and do Jeremy Kyle on them.

I've also been thinking about the Chekhov's Gun moment that is "you know what it was like when my parents were divorcing" from Broken. Maybe Jan does, but we don't. Teddy's parents' seemingly not-amicable divorce feels relevant to him rushing into marrying Paige. Also, I just enjoy the vaguely-still-alive-and-out-there-ness of Teddy's dad. What's he up to? Has he not been at all interested in all the times Teddy has nearly died in the past couple years? I expect that eventually the writers will pull him out for a storyline and I am interested in what they might do there too but I'm honestly too attached to my headcanons in that area now.

I’ve edited this in but I wanted it in here. I was looking at Teddy’s birthday on onthisday.com and Bring It All Back was number 1 in the UK charts that day. I’ve got this ridiculous headcanon that Sah and Teddy both really enjoy S Club so I am very pleased with that.

Let's end controversially, my Casualty hot takes. This one I think is reasonable; I don't like how certain parts of the fandom (...Twitter) act about their favourite characters. There's this sort of outright refusal to acknowledge that your favourite character can ever be in the wrong and it annoys me for two reasons. First, every other character ends up being judged on the basis of how they treat your favourite character which is a very interesting way to watch the show. Second, a lot of the time it leads to that favourite character being oversimplified. Good people can do bad things sometimes. Good characters usually do bad things sometimes. I love Teddy but I can acknowledge that he's been a prick lately while also considering the reasons behind his behaviour. I love Sah but maybe kissing Paige wasn't brilliant of them and maybe that's okay. I think my annoyance about this might be more to do with the fact that I'm not really as interested in a lot of the characters that seem to be fan-favourites over there. This one I think makes me a bad Casualty fan; I would not watch it if it was just about treating patients. Everytime they make an episode about them just being professionals and treating patients (like How To Save A Life), I see people saying they wish Casualty was always like that and... I don't! I love those episodes and I think they're important and really well made and actually fit into the series very well. And I do think those episodes can contribute to the characters as professionals, I often wish the show made it feel like their jobs were more relevant to who they are as people. But if it was always just about that, I would just watch one of those ambulance documentary shows instead. I'm here for the characters, I'm here for the drama, I'm here for Hamlet in a hospital and I feel like every episode being about them actually doing their jobs might get in the way of that. Similarly, I don't get when people complain about the characters doing stuff that "would never happen in a real hospital" because it isn't a real hospital. Suspend your disbelief.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

HOW THE ACTUAL F*** DOES THIS SITE WORK?!?

I swear, ever since I’ve gotten on here, I have poured hours into art, into fiction, into deep, thoughtful posts, and I’ve been lucky if I get ten responses!

But if I make an observation or a comment or even a bloody joke that can possibly be taken as ‘wrong’ or ‘misrepresentative’ or ‘hurtful’ then somehow, without a single reblog, I suddenly have people coming out of nowhere and jumping all over me!

WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW?

Why were you not here when I was writing fiction about your favorite character/ship/trope? Why were you not here when I was having an in depth back and forth character analysis with another fan about the very thing you love?

I’ve written ESSAYS on how wonderful Edith is, but the second I point out that she screwed up at the breakfast table in S6 and that Mary can’t read minds, suddenly people who have never said ‘boo’ to me are all how dare you side with MARY you awful Edith hater!!!!

God alone knows how many Thomas/Richard fics* and posts stating ‘Yeah, multishipper here’ and ‘dude, guys, ship and let ship!’ I’ve made, but I make a couple sarcastic comments about the members of the Thomas/Richard ship that I’ve personally dealt with** and a commuting joke, and suddenly I’m being told off for being nasty and snide and not respecting other people’s ships.

LOOK, I’M SORRY, BUT THE BEHAVIOR OF ***MOST*** OF THE THOMAS/RICHARD SHIPPERS ***I’VE PERSONALLY DEALT WITH*** HAS BEEN STRAIGHT UP NASTY AND HAS MADE ME QUESTION IF I EVER WANTED TO RISK WRITING THE PAIR AGAIN, LEAST I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH THEM*** - MEANWHILE I’VE NOT HAD A SINGLE BAD INTERACTION WITH THE THOMAS/GUY CREW!

I get that I have not dealt with every single Thomas/Richard OTPer out there. I won’t pretend I have! The Thomas/Richard OTPers I do get along with I absolute adore and if they left, I would straight up cry. Seeing a post from one of them makes my bloody day!****

I get that there are people out there who have had the exact opposite experience, but this is mine, okay? If you have Thomas/Guy fans being nasty to you, you have every right to complain about that on your blog, in your private Discord servers, in your knitting groups, wherever! That’s why they’re there!

Hell, we might not even know the same people at all!  Not a single one!

The point is, you don’t know me. You’ve never paid attention to me before when I was doing things that you’d approve of and maybe even enjoy. You don’t have the background info to begin to know how to take what I’m saying.

SO HOW DID YOU SUDDENLY FIND ME AND WHY ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION NOW?

*okay, God and anyone who bothered to count, which isn’t me.

**I mean, I suppose it would be good of me to put a note in my blog header warning people that I’m naturally sarcastic and not to take it seriously but....oh. Wait. I did that.

*** So far the answer has been ‘yes, I do’, and believe it or not, I’ve even started a couple, but those are WIPs and it could still change.

**** Especially the one I’ve not heard from in MONTHS who just posted and OMG YES GONNA GO READ NOW WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

[billgavemeextrachips]

My housemate wants me to sweep downstairs and vacuum the common areas at least twice a week because of my cat’s dander. This is triggering a lot of shame about me being a “slob” and also worry that I won’t physically be able to keep up a routine like this because of my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. But I can’t say no because I need a good reference when I start looking for a new place to live next month, and also I just… Can’t Say No. It’s kind of one of my issues.

 My cat (11 next month) is now on gabapentin for her arthritis pain. I can tell it’s helping her, but the only affordable option is a liquid that I have to squirt in her mouth twice a day while pinning her against me and she hates it. She tries to hide when it’s med time and cries when I pick her up anyway. So that’s a thing I have to deal with.

 Last night I actually did some Google searches about rehoming a cat and I burst into tears. (Disgusting, I know.) Money isn’t too much of an issue yet, and her “behavior problems” are mostly my housemate being an asshole. (Cat is not aggressive, doesn’t pee outside of box, she’s just struggling with grooming now that she’s older.) So I don’t think I’ll have to do it, but even just thinking about giving her up wrecks me.

 My right shoulder keeps trying to climb up to my ear due to tight muscles (painful) and I keep getting a fluttering feeling in the left side of my chest (not painful but scary.) I think these are both stress-related but don’t know how to make them stop.

 I’m supposed to help my family with Dad’s move-out this Saturday. I don’t know how useful I’ll be, being a Physical Wreck™ and all. Nor do I know what I’m walking into emotionally. Mom and Dad have been civil so far (that I’ve seen) but my brother’s birthday dinner was awkward AF and left me feeling very sad for everything we’ve lost.

 I can’t talk to my ex-therapist because she’s bought into (literally paid hundreds of dollars for some scam-ass program) a bunch of life coaching mumbo-jumbo and now I can’t be messy™ with her for even two minutes before she’ll try to make me “look for the positives” and “remember my strengths” and “create a plan” and shit.

 I can’t talk to my best friend because she has the empathy of a rock, and also she just started a new job with an insane commute so if I do call her, I’ll have to listen patiently to her rant about that for half an hour before she even asks me, “So how are things?”

 I can’t confide how I’m feeling about my parents’ divorce to either of my parents (obviously) or to my brother, because Dad straight up emotionally abused him and the last thing he needs is dad’s golden child whining to him because she feels sad.

 I can maybe talk to my kid sister or my grandmother about how I’m feeling about the family stuff, but I’ll have to tread lightly. I can’t talk to either of them about the housemate stuff because 1) my sister has no life experience here, and 2) my grandmother is a clean freak who doesn’t like cats so she’d be the opposite of helpful.

 Meanwhile my self-esteem is in the shitter because I keep ruminating on my family’s fucked-uppedness, and where’s the line between being kind versus enabling the assholes in my life, and who would ever love me, etc., etc., etc.

 And to top it all off, an employee I’ve been hounding for overdue paperwork for months just pulled a stunt that I can only describe as “malicious compliance.” I passed it on to my boss via email and told her I actually wanted to cry. (Again, ew gross, I know.)

 I must be ready for my full cyber-conversion because I’m sick of having feelings about anything.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Maybe I’m not the right worker for this county.

I’m trying to see like, what jobs are better out there where I’ll be able to do grad school and full time work but idk.

I’m tired of crying about work. I’m so behind that I have no idea how to catch up anymore. I’m desperate enough to put in off the clock hours right now but I need to be doing my grad school work after work.

I’m on breakdown number 4 today. Like full on hyperventilating can’t breathe type breakdowns.

My boss is out sick so I couldn’t call her today. Maybe she will be back tmrw. Idk if she has Covid but she’s apparently like super sick. And I don’t wanna talk to the supervisor because she isn’t really all that helpful.

I’m so behind with all of it. The paperwork, school visits, organization. And idk what to do

And if the main issue is my organizational skills, that’s gonna follow me in every job. I think a big part of the organization issues is that it’s all on paper. My laptop is real organized. I have files for everything. I have …I can’t think of the word… for what I’m allowed to do on the computer, I have it formatted to where I just plug in what changes, but the state won’t let us print bulk things like treatment plans even tho they never change. I struggle with writing things out legibly. I’m a much faster Typer.

I move piles of paper around my office all day long My brain just doesn’t work for paper format.

I feel stupid and like I’m a bad worker. The commute, while closer, takes big chunks from my day.

I’ve never struggled so much at a job before. But I’m really struggling. And I don’t have coworkers to talk to either.

I want to change jobs but what if the next one is just as bad? Even if I quit grad school, I want a different job.

I love my boss and it’s not her doing that’s making things hard.

I feel like a failure.

[romantic-reveries]

Today was way more emotionally taxing than I would’ve expected, considering.

I spent the day with him. And it was fantastic and lovely and everything I wanted it to be except the part where we (he) is still no closer to figuring out the future. I thought… I thought that’s what this trip was for.

He brought it up before we even kissed. I’d been feeling it all day, and I thought it was the same fear of abandonment I’d been contending with all week that had me fighting the urge tooth and nail not to call it off. But he asked how I saw this—us—working. I don’t know, so I asked him. He said him not wanting to do long distance is hard, and me not driving makes it even harder. When I mentioned my grandma would drive me—she did with my ex, or met him halfway—he said that was a big ask. And he’s not wrong, but… that’s the only way it would work. I like to hope I’ll drive at some point, and maybe that’s motivation to try harder to overcome the fear, but… I mean, even if I drove, you have to drive through Atlanta to get to him, and that’s a huge ask for someone who has spent this long terrified of driving. If he lived on this side of Atlanta, maybe.

I mostly don’t understand, though. He knew that before he came. I didn’t hide it from him. He made it sound like we needed to talk about it in person, like he wanted to see what the commute was like, see if it was the same in person as it has been on the phone, but there isn’t much to say to that—him not wanting it and it being inconvenient seems pretty unmalleable. So why did he come? What was the point? When we talked about us meeting, it was always in the context of it being the next logical step to figure things out, except nothing changed, so why did we do it? And it wasn’t even a sexual thing, because he didn’t even originally plan on coming to my house, and even when he did, we didn’t go past fully clothed heavy petting.

And it’s funny, because when my grandma (bless her) asked if he’d be back, he intentionally didn’t answer, only said, “it’s not that far” in agreement with her, but when she asked previously how the trip was, he’d said “it won’t be that bad to make”, won’t, as if him coming back was a foregone thing.

I spent half the day wanting to cry because of the haunting feeling I was already carrying that I’ll never actually see him again. That this was just one beautiful day. And I kept reminding myself—he’s here now. Soak it up, be in the moment, enjoy it for what it is, and even if this is all it is, it was still good. Important. It’s fundamentally changed me, I think. Made me realize that men like him do exist. Who are consistent and stable and patient and kind.

But the thing is, multiple times today, I thought: I could do this forever. I’ve never wanted someone like that before, even guys I thought I was crazy about. He just feels like home. He’s somehow become my best friend. I don’t know if I’m in love with him, but I think I’m falling in love with him, and I’m fucking terrified.

Because if those guys I’ve fancied myself infatuated with before, who gave me nothing—if they hurt me? He has the ability to absolutely shatter me. I can’t imagine the kind of pain that would bring. The idea of continuing this… we both want each other and we flirt and we’re sexual with each other but nothing more is going to happen? The idea of him eventually getting back on dating apps and actively trying to date other people? Makes me sick to even consider.

And the worst part is, I couldn’t even be mad at him. I can’t blame him for wanting someone he can see daily if he wants to, and really, he deserves better than me anyway. Someone more stable. Someone who has their shit together. He’s such a wonderful person. He might be one of the best, kindest people I’ve ever met. And I’m lucky to know him, to have had him at all, even in this small capacity.

And even after spending all day with me, as he was leaving, I said I hoped he had a safe trip, and he said he’d text me when he got home. Then he said, “actually, you can call. I mean, I’m gonna be on the road for two hours.” He spent all fucking day with me and he still wants to talk.

And I’m telling myself, if it’s meant to be, if I’m worth it to him, he’ll make it work. But that doesn’t stop the maelstrom of conflicted feelings inside me. After he left, all I wanted to do was wash him off. The fear I’ve had for weeks, that maybe he’s just dragging this out until he decides he wants to date again, flared magnificently to life. Turns out I couldn’t completely wash him off—he gave me my first hickey at the ripe old age of almost 29 and all I can think about any of this is: why?