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#and the emotional part of my brain is not dok g very well either
cherrysnax
·
5 years
Text
hm. hmmmm.
i dont like where my thoughts keeps heading
#im kinda here now hellow
#vent
#i. keep having reqlly bad nightmares and at the end of all of them
#the end is the same.. ive been having really bad self worth issues recently which makes this all worse
#the logical part of my brain tells me to expect this
#and the emotional part of my brain is not dok g very well either
#im trying real hard and ik its all in my head but im scared
#its something really dumb to be scared about because tgings liek these happen but idk i dont want it to
#i want to be dumb and pretend like i can be happy and loved long term
#this is all unfounded and probably just because of the bee pee dee but im ao acared that im not gonna be enough anymore
#i dont even think im worth loving so its really hard to fathom that he loves me but i cant fathom living in a world where he doesnt
#so its gonna hurt so much when he doesnt anymore
#i know its gonna happen one day i just dont want it to
#ive been teying to be pretty and nicer and more agreeable and everything and ive even been expressing more too but its not enough
#ive lived thru heartbreak before many times so when it happens ill be alright probably
#prkbably not tbh. what i feel is more than love wven though my dumb ass can never xpeeas it because my emotions are just. not to be expresse
#*expressed that way. does he ven know how much i love him? how much i care? im. ot good with words or wmotions and i know im easily misunder
#stood but i hope he knows. i already see myself as one of his exes. only when it gets like this. ik he’ll look back n laugh at how much time
#and effort he wasted on me. i hope hes loved in the future
#i hope its still by me. but if not i understand
#im kinda repulsive to look at and to be around me for ao long. im aurpriaed
#i just. feel like my im gonna my heart broken soon. idk why. im trying to brace for it but ii dont want to become distant. idk wht to do
#i feel likeif i bring this up itll be aself fuffiling prophecy. i feel like loving me is a chore. i cant see why anyone would or could
#idk who to be or whst to say or how to act. i just want to be worthy of love but im gonna fuck up i already have so many times i bet
#im. im not doing okay but hopefully one day i will
#its 1 in the am and im sobbing in the bathroom. this has been my new normal for a while now
#this is dumb! he loves me he goes out of his way to show it. i may not undersrand why but he does and ill cherish him until he doesnt anymor
#j think m having an anxiety attack cause icant breath
#chesco dnt look
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ああ、さよならだね