#i dont even think im worth loving so its really hard to fathom that he loves me but i cant fathom living in a world where he doesnt

[cherrysnax]

hm. hmmmm.

i dont like where my thoughts keeps heading

[solomonish]

Just "secret anon" will do haha. Btw the ask was meant as a response for the "smile" post, as well as a reaction to the lovely asks that other fellow Solo Stans gave you.

You're right! He's such a sweet guy--a shame that you don't really get to see it much since most of his softer sides are either hidden in higher main story chapters or in non-F2P friendly URs.

Speaking of that, have you played the Circus Event? His demon UR there was so precious! I won't spoil much, but let's just say that he really lets his guard down with you and even tells you some aspects of himself that many are not privy to. I was smiling all throughout my reading. It was worth grinding the DP for it. (It also looks really pretty! AHHH he is so so pretty.♡)

If you're a VIP member, he tells you "Only you can understand me", or something along those lines...though I think most of you already know that haha. I don't know. It's just so cute that MC is the first person he always thinks of when he's happy? When he's sad? When he's thinking in general? You are in his thoughts enough for him to say that while in your presence, he loses sight of his goals? That being with you just brings him at ease?

I cannot fathom the mental fortitude he must have to keep a facade and hide his weaknesses. The fact That MC is the only person?? In the entire world?? In his millenia of existence?? To be his refuge?? What had he been enduring while we had yet to exist??

Segue: He was already confirmed to be King Solomon in the main story, but not much of his kingly side was mentioned in-game as they focused more on his sorcerer side. I couldn't help but think that either:

a) the devs forgot about it (the most likely reason)

b) something really really really bad happened. Bad enough for him to deny his once kingly existence (the reason my masochistic plot-inclined self wants)

irambledbutialwaysdothatwithSolomonasatopicIhopeyoudontmind. I also tried to keep spoilers as minimal as possible aaaaaaa

EDIT: I posted too late and now we have fluffy headcanons aaaa now I feel bad haha.

Just gonna leave a cute little headcanon here:

Solomon is a naturally curious person--in his quest for the truth and discovering the Universal truth, nothing can bring him more joy than sharing a piece of that truth to someone who had shown him that true wisdom isn't discovering a singular truth at all, but to find one of his own that would give his existence meaning: you.

Sweetheart Solomon 😍🥰 that would actually make a really good url hmmm

Haha but the "non F2P-friendly URs" makes me laugh. You're telling me there are parts of this game that are f2p friendly?? >:0000

I did play the circus event but unfortunately I did not get his UR 😔 im f2p so event UR cards are basically out of the question for me. The closest I ever got was Lucifer's wedding UR and even after spending so much DP and having all the cards I STILL had to wait for him to come back in Lonely Devil..... (places hand against window) Solomon UR please come to me soon. I will grind so hard for you as soon as you come back....

Ugh but hearing that it's super sweet makes me SO impatient!!! I want him!! I love him!!! >:[ grumpy

I dont get VIP lines (again, f2p 😔) but YES......like when I log on and he gets super happy like "You're back!! I was wondering if I'd get to see you again today" or "There you are! I was hoping I'd get to see you" its SO CUTE he sounds SO HAPPY......and his first intimacy level calls....when he sees something funny he instantly wants to share that joy with you.....ugh. he's so sweet I love this man

Be careful with that mental fortitude point secret anon......I might turn it into angst and have him face a mental collapse when MC dies.....or have to face eternity again with only one brief spark of genuine connection.......

Idk much about for real king Solomon but I think its very sexy of OM Solomon to be THE Solomon. Like he's been powerful and great since the beginning of his time??? And now he's with me?? Lowkey wrapped around my little finger?? Yes please what a hot concept

Don't feel bad, its never too late for angst or fluff or anything!!! But damn that really dies sum up the solostan experience. God I love him so much. Let us be together solmare!! I only need one route. The solomon route. Gimmie NOW

[knightmathias]

task 01: spring play audition ( macbeth ) !

notes: don’t give him macbeth thank u i want him to go batshit LMAO im kidding but rlly dont give him macbeth

i also couldn’t figure out how to put this in organically but mathias def knows that a LOT of the others are gunning for macbeth too!!! but he’s never been worried bc he knows for sure he’s always going to get the lead roles so he never really thinks about anyone else, i think it’ll be great for him to not only NOT get macbeth but not even a really big role full stop ? i don’t think it makes sense for heidi to give him a SMALL role maybe bc he IS technically really fuckin good but i also dont think heidi think it’s Best to give him a huge role anyway like she can see the Laziness in him and “acting for the wrong reasons” / not improving as an actor bc he’s never been in the spot to need to!!!!!!

Calling it a problem sounded so serious, you think derisively. Your hands are brushing over the small packet of coke you’ve placed on the desk, eyebrows furrowed. You’ve got ten minutes until your audition, and whilst Heidi doesn’t seem to be the type of person to appreciate tardiness, you’re not used to bending yourself to follow the rules. So you’ll be late. Big deal.

Calling it a problem, you continue thinking, getting your thoughts back on track. Calling it a problem was silly. An addiction would come in the form of your sister Ana, who could never stop herself. And even then, she’s fine. High every time you see her these days, maybe, but she’s fine -- Bad things don’t happen to the Knights. Only good things. Only good things.

Still, you sweep the bag into your desk drawer instead, out of sight. You don’t need it right now, the temptation was just a little too much when you have the bag in front of you; you’re certainly not nervous about this audition at all. Sure, you haven’t really worked on practising much -- but you never do, right? And sure, you’ve been more distracted as of late -- falling in and out of [the statue’s] bed, preoccupied by Orson’s death. But you either have the star quality or you don’t, it’s what your parents have always taught you. Working hard is good, but it’s for the ones that don’t have it, who want what you have. You’ve run through your lines a few times, you know it’s going to be good.

( And sure, you’ve taken to drinking more and smoking more and done a few more lines lately than would be considered smart. But you don’t talk about that. You don’t even think about that. What’s too much? What’s too far? When is enough enough when you’ve been like this, been around this, your whole life? It’s the glamourous life of theatre, baby, it’s just show biz. )

You take your phone out of your pocket to check the time. 4 minutes. Plenty of time then.

There’s a glass filled halfway of vodka and Coke on your bed stand, not quite finished from the night before. You pick it up and down it, even though it’s gone flat by now. The alcohol to take the edge off, but you won’t admit there’s an edge to you anyway. Liquid luck instead, maybe, but when have you ever needed luck? For the enjoyment, then, is what you reason. Why waste perfectly good alcohol?

By the time you arrive, Heidi’s voice cuts to you, unimpressed. “You’re twelve minutes late.”

“Had to make sure my hair was pretty,” you say charmingly, the cheek usually endearing to others. Orson would’ve loved your response, would’ve grinned and joked back, would’ve said something about the importance of appearance on stage. Orson would’ve ---

But it’s not Orson. It’s Heidi, and she doesn’t seem to think you’re being funny at all. 

“I think it’s best if you just start, since you’re running late.”

But you’ve already made your way onto the stage.

"Mathias Knight,” you say, stage voice on. Your teeth glint white in the light as you flash a professional smile, but Heidi doesn’t seem to return it. “I’m auditioning for the role of Macbeth. I’ve chosen to do Macbeth’s speech from Act 2 Scene 1 -- Enjoy.”

There’s no surprise on Heidi’s face at your announcement of choice, but you don’t let it deter you. Of course it’s predictable, to go for Macbeth and to do this scene, but does it matter what you audition with, when your talent will showcase either way? You want Macbeth and you’re going to get it, you always do. There was no point putting in more work than its worth, when performing Macbeth’s most famous soliloquy did the same job.

Heidi nods, so you take a deep breath and settle into your role effortlessly. You’ve heard the others talk about needing to have an emotional connection to the role they’re playing, and you’ve never quite understood it -- you’ve played characters you could hardly even fathom being similar to, but you’ve played them excellently nonetheless. Acting, for you, is not about the emotion, or the personal, or the leaving of your body behind. It’s about the skill and the technique and the way you perform it -- because that’s what it is, isn’t it? It’s a performance. It’s a performance and you’re conscious of that fact every moment you are on that stage, your own kingdom. You connect with the characters because you need to, but it’s always been on that surface level, knowing you are playing them. You are not Macbeth. That much is clear. But you’re a damn good actor.

“Is this a dagger which I see before me, / The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee...”

You’ve never known fear, or delusion, like Macbeth in this scene -- but that’s never been why you’re so good. You can push passion and emotion out of your voice so well that no one could ever see the difference, you can bend and contort your face in the same anguish and people will believe it. What is a tragedy to someone who’s never experienced the bad? It’s just: tragedy. It’s a word. It means nothing.

( Tragedy: a play dealing with tragic events and having an unhappy ending, especially one concerning the downfall of the main character. )

( Of course you’re the main character, you’re always the main character. There’s nothing forgettable about the way you hold yourself, the way you speak, the way you move. The downfall of the main character. But you’ve not done anything wrong, have you? You didn’t murder Orson. What’s the worse crime you’ve committed? A few stolen grams of coke? Petty thievery, small crime -- who is hurting from your lack of consequences? No one. You were born indestructible. You’re pretty sure you’re going to die that way too. )

( An unhappy ending. Darling, your story is hardly far from over yet. )

When you finish the soliloquy, that powerful feeling that settles in your bones every time you perform, you half-expect an applause. You were objectively good and there’s no other way that that could be twisted. Instead, you look out and only meet Heidi’s eyes, facial expression unreadable. For a moment, you’d forgotten, waiting for Orson to tell you how brilliant you were. 

But Orson wasn’t here. Isn’t it funny it only hits you in the gut every time you want something from him? His approval felt like an applause from an adoring crowd. His approval confirmed everything you’ve ever known about yourself, and you didn’t realise you craved it so badly until you were faced with the absence of it.

Several beats of silence. You’re waiting for her to say something, but when she doesn’t, you say, “So?”

Finally, Heidi shrugs. “It was an impressive performance. Truthfully, one of the best I’ve seen today.”

At that, you square your shoulders, basking in the compliment. What’s the best part of acting for you? You’ve heard others say things like slipping out of their own body and mind, into someone else’s. No, for you, you bleed yourself out on stage for this: the roaring approval.

But Heidi isn’t done talking. She adds, “I just don’t know if it’s enough.”

You blink. “Pardon me, but what?”

“What do you think about when you’re acting on stage, Mathias?”

The question takes you by surprise. “I think -- I think about the role I’m playing.”

Heidi shakes her head. “The thing is -- I just don’t think you do. I think you’re thinking about the praise you’ll get.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” You don’t have a bad temper, you’ve never been forced to. But irritation ignites within you, an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling. 

She considers you for a moment, and you’ve never felt self-conscious in your life, least of all on a stage. She considers you for a moment, and you feel suddenly very naked, like she’s looking at something deep within you and she’s not liking what she sees.

“Thank you for your time, Mathias,” she says abruptly.

“No,” falls out of your mouth first, because you’re not used to being dismissed, not used to failing. She said it was one of the best performances she’s seen today, but suddenly it doesn’t feel enough. 

Her eyebrows raise.

“You said it yourself that I’m good,” you say hurriedly. “I’m the best, and you know it. You can dislike me all you like --”

“Mathias, I don’t dislike you --”

“But I know I’m good,” you continue, as if uninterrupted. “When I’m on that stage, it doesn’t matter who likes me as Mathias and who doesn’t; all that matters is that the audience does. I’ve been playing the lead my whole life for a reason, and they’ll all call it arrogance, but there’s nothing wrong in knowing that I’m good. That I’m the best. Who cares if I’m connecting emotionally to the characters? I’m one of the best actors on this program and it’s for a reason, and I’m sorry it’s not the reason you want it to be, but talent is a reason in itself. That’s what Orson told me. Orson said I have what it takes. Orson said I was going to do big things. Orson said --”

“Mathias,” Heidi cuts off neatly, and there’s something in her voice that you can’t place. Pity, maybe? But you’ve never been pitied before. What is there to pity in you? You’re the star. You’re always the fucking star. “I’m not Orson.”

The sentence guts you in a way it shouldn’t, and you blink at the aftermath of your outburst. 

“Thank you for your time, Mathias,” she says again, firmer. 

This time, you move off the stage, towards the door. The only thing you can think about is how badly you need a drink.

[softlilpet]

thinkin about my newly developed trust issues on this fine monday night

i really and truly (at this moment in time) cannot fathom how im supposed to let someone in ever again. i bared my soul to him. i willingly gave him every part of me. he let me believe that he was doing the same. and now he’s with someone else (theyre facebook official.... ew). he just threw me away.

i just... cant comprehend it. 

why even bother looking for love again, if it’s just going to hurt in the end? why waste my time? being alone certainly isnt ideal, and its nowhere near what i want for myself, but its definitely safer! im successful in my career path, i have plenty of solid & supportive friendships, i have so many good things now and i will have so many good things come to me. exerting my energy to find another loser to disappoint me just sounds pointless.

maybe at other points in time i would (or will) disagree, but right now im convinced it isnt worth it. sure being in love felt nice, but that was just the delusion i built for myself, because i didn’t want to see his imperfections. i wanted to make US work. and he clearly didnt feel the same. 

id like to believe theres someone out there that WILL make me feel like it was all worth it, but im just having such a hard time conceptualizing what that will look/feel like. i really dont think such a person exists. 

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[regoregitates]

i think im misunderstood. i dont understand myself and im adamant nobody else can fathom out the way i am and why ive always done the things i do. ive been like this for a significant amount of months. i think im lost? 

well im sure i am as i dont know what my future will look like. i keep doing things that i know trigger my manic episodes. i feel too much, perhaps if there was a switch i was able to control i wouldnt feel so misunderstood because id be in control entirely. or maybe its not even about control?

either way im very depressed right now, i no longer enjoy the things i used to all because everything was so sudden, being absent of a person isnt that big of a deal generally but somehow it is for me, it’s never been like this before and the whole atmosphere is scary. being absent of someone you clearly depended on a hell of a lot is something ive never truly experienced to its full capacity, im not really sure what dependency is? i never knew what i expected of them, i wanted the bare minimum and i didnt receive that, and thats okay. i shouldnt be hard to love however my trauma has made me this way, they kinda got rid of the reminder for me. it was something i didnt have to worry about because he made me safe. i wonder if he truly feels happy, as harsh as ive been towards him - i hope he is. i think? 

i talk about him too much for who he truly is, im proud of him. im proud of him for being sensible when i really am not, im childish because im sick. i know im exceptionally ill mentally due to all of my unresolved trauma, i was 9 and now im 15. my therapist mentioned to me that perhaps im still mentally the age of 9 because i was never able to come to terms at the time so its still impacting my emotions.

i feel like a very lonely person purely because of the things that have happened to me and all of my unsuccessful relationships ive been a part of, ive never truly reflected on them. simply just moved on to the next because i thought it benefitted me. i think thats why i freaked out at him when i realised he didnt even consider waiting. it probably is. at the end of the day being as unloved as i have been throughout my childhood i think love just is not for me now.

i want to be a good person to people but i think everytime i try to be ‘loving’ it turns into a very toxic and inherently sickening act of limerence. i wonder if ive truly ever known what love is without the infatuation i face? im still very young and supposedly have my ‘whole life ahead of me’ however im not sure if i want to live that life if i cant even love someone. from a really young age ive always wanted to be loved, ive wanted to provide for someone and make their life worth living and perhaps with him, just like all of the others, i inevitably tried too hard. 

my hope and selflessness would probably be my demise if i was in a really shitty low-budget movie idk that sounds cliche... regardless of my mental health i want to love but i dont think im going to learn that for a long time, which upsets me.

i miss the person i used to be before all of this happened, its so ironic how me and my friends would say i was the only ‘mentally stable’ one yet i cant even stay clean for more than two days. its been such a long year so far, i want a lot of things to end. im incredibly drained and exhausted to the point where i struggle to feel empathy for anyone that isnt myself or him. i cannot blame anyone but myself for the way i havent been able to let go.

i miss him and the way he spoke, he was so intellectual and understanding of how i felt, he spent a very long time trying to stop my consistent paranoia and the constant feeling of being ‘scared’. i was scared because i didnt want to lose him. the honeymoon phase is undoubtedly intoxicating and i think it ended for him before it ended for me. i appreciate him so much even if i treat him with upmost disrespect. they are such a beautiful soul and i wish i didnt take it for granted. i wish i saw through the times that they were happy just for my benefit. its cliche to say but i wouldve done so many things different if i was able to go back now, i regret so much but i cannot regret the person he is. he truly was like a dream and i wish i never woke up from that.

[theskyexists]

Revolution of the Daleks

im actually really happy with this, Yaz not being able to let go. Ryan and Graham having practice. i could wish a million things had happened with Ryan (!) and Graham before but this is as good as it’s gonna get from this point

i like the way they’re trying to imitate the Doctor explicitly

‘this is hard, innit?”

‘have you had work done?’ ‘you can talk!’ (that sounded so Nine and Jack!!! hahahaa) edit: it was litearlly Ten and Jack

reference!

DOCTOR AND JACK HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leo......is a very cynical representation of an amoral scientist.

How the hell is Trump-analogue the sane one here lolololol. but he’s dumb enough to leave incinerating the thing to Leo.

what an idiot - opening the casing. im not really into how the narrative is basically like: trump is right about stupid scientists! hah...

the banter between jack and the doctor is so good? imitation of the original product clearly but still GOOD

love how the Doctor instantly goes - i need to go see the fam

she was in space jail for decades (she doesn’t mention the decades)

THAT MOMENT OF MATERIALISATION WAS SO GOOD

noooooooooooooooo OUCH - ouch! YAZ!

‘im sorreh’

SHE DOESN’T MENTION HOW SHE’S BEEN LOCKED IN PRISON FOR FUCKING DECADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my god Doctor. give them some perspective PLEASE

Jack’s ‘whoops’ is hilarious if you consider his history with teh Doctor

Ryan - god i love Ryan.

Actually didn’t like Graham’s response to Jack. narratively, homophobic

absolutely despise the orange lettering

this episode really goes to show that Chibnall thinks structurally extremely slowly. he picks threads up from ages ago. and then he does do something decent with it. does this mean that the longer he keeps on the better it will get?

i think it’s pretty fuckin hilariously sad though that the companions are once again relegated to couriers - they note that they can’t do stuff on their own (even though the season finale last time gave them ‘Doctor-like’ sequences even if they never managed to impact the story of the Doctor herself - so i guess we’ve gone backwards in this arc) and then they CAN’T do stuff on their own and the Doctor comes in

it’s not the Doctor OR the companions Chibs. and if these companions are just incapable - make that a point! that would be a wonderful contrast to Clara

Woah Jack fuckin infodump

aahahhaa

i do love Yaz’s response. this seems to build up to some final DESERVED - i need to know MORE doctor - now.

‘oh she’s good’ - that’s such a RTD thing to say. chibs just directly copy-pasting a lot here. this is acceptable if he can give it new meaning. inverse meaning

why even drop two people off - whats the Doctor gonna do - nothing?

i actually like the new dalek design very much. oh confront Robertsen? i still can’t get used to the explicit task division set-up - even if this time it was used for characterisation

i - adore. this talk between Jack and Yaz. because it’s Yaz accessing so much shit from the Doctor’s past suddenly. and then it becomes extra clear that Jack’s and the Doctor’s connection was kinda romantic in whatever way - and it’s directly paralleled with Yaz. that romantic tragic attachment - doomed to hurt. (i.e. my fav)

god mandip gill is yeeting this out of the park. I LOVE IT. i love these lines. ‘we’re the lucky ones yaz’ - graham also told her something like this in demons of the punjab.

‘the joy, is worth the pain’ - is it? Jack thinks so - still! my god.that’s so tragic - so beautiful. so much rtd feel here.

jezus chibnall - fuckin sonic gun even???? ‘thanks, that’s it??’ hahahahaha. ok you did good. nobody’s ever impressed at it. LOL DAMN YAZ

‘they’re growing daleks’ - this secondary reveal doesn’t matter bc no reveal would have been a genuine reveal anyway

the new prime minister givin her speech and the doctor explaining daleks should have had snappier editing - specifically the music should not have gone back to simple british empire horns or whatever- but should have had an undertone of dalek in there

really! ALIEN REFERENCES! MY GOD CHIBNALL!!! everybody was thinking it but you did it.... i guess it’s done now. sexual politics wise i’d say Robertsen might have been a much better choice.

guns and explosives will solve everything!!!!!! oh chibnall

i love this lil talk between Ryan and teh Doctor - because it goes to show that the Doctor actually really cared. it would be fitting if they all left now actually lol - that would be nice and dramatic. Jodie is doing great on the acting here - i can FEEL the warning messages in her brains going AAAAAAAAAAA im losing this one!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Ryan - oh finally - finally this is coming out. calling her out, ‘how do you feel about that’‘  - the counsellor

‘things change, all the time, and they should, cos they have to’ - oh ffffff and ryan inverts things on her. oh i would have loved that if they’d done the extensive groundwork for it. now it just feels like a final death knell - the Doctor paternalised in classic Doctor words by her pseudo-son (but not really bc we never got it for real). couldn’t chibnall have left that for a dude actor ....

i love Jodie’s acting here my GOD. the mouth, the thin lips. The Doctor’s thinking - ah ive lost him - he doesn’t need me at all. ‘always’ this is Ryan’s motif actually. Yaz said the same thing about him.

LOL and Leo reveals himself only when the bombs have been planted and the Doctor’s arrived

lol ok that’s a pretty grisly reveal chibs, BUT would have been cooler if Yaz somehow found out herself and not through villain exposition. Robertsen really is VERY good comic relief here ‘this is a pr disaster’

that was actually a GOOD use of the Doctor going hmmm what’s wrong here and Yaz going well maybe this

ok but because chibnall has such dumb and obvious twists all the time it makes the Doctor always look dumb for slowly stumbling through a self-deprecating  explanation. the least authoritative doctor ever my god.... like she could feel the shock to her system coming and that’s why she was born so un-self-assured. hate that shit. not what i wanted

the recon dalek used ultra viiolet light to teleport. lol. but then the Doctor is too late to stop it. hmm a bit uh..........idk conflicted about all the poc getting exterminated at the border...is this irony???

so how is the Dalek electrocuting Leo with nothing but a shitty slime body? also don’t like that. especially because Robertsen is getting away scot free again probably

‘no weapons’ (what about the bombs - couldn’t jack have interjected with knowledge on that shit - before the daleks teleported mysteriously????) ‘no time to think’ - Doctor i thought it was established that you could think at 3000 miles per fraction of a second.

forget it. forget it forget it forget it. chibnall and I will never agree on this. if the Doctor hits rock bottom here - then it better be a companion that picks her back up. nope, she gets back up herself. best job they’ve done so far on that i admit but then they cut immediately to a leisurely discussion as people are getting gunned the fuck down in the streets.

ah, shes inviting the original fleet to destroy these daleks which are ‘corrupted’

why..................did they explain the whole plan before it happened. WHY. OH WHY! is Chibnall so structurally BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!

this would have WORKED as a GOOD twist if he’d made it an actual fucking TWIST. please chibs....let me at the scripts....please....

the stakes are also not well-established because none of the companions said: oh shit but we could barely get rid of ONE, now there’s thousands!

‘they shouldn’t know im here’ *materialises TARDIS right in front of hundreds of Daleks*

this whole scene between the two sets of Daleks would have been great if we hadn’t been spoiled

is................Robertsen gonna pay for his arrogance - ignoring the Doctor? or is the Doctor’s ineffective ‘get back here’ going to be the last we see of this. Betraying the Doctor?

Chibs if you dont make this guy pay i will give up

Ryan stepping up to save Earth. hmmhm.

Jack: w-wait are you okay with this?

Jack she’s been sending these idiots in without supervision for no reason for ages. she just did it with Yaz?? but its a nice era-contrast - even if the meaning is muddled

So i guess Jack’s just got hundreds of bombs on him? at all times?

who the fuck doctors the script

why............did Chibnall regress Graham’s and Ryan’s relationship into awkwardness in their final episode. that’s just plain sad.

inversely, NOW would have been good to know the second plan because then we would have known why the Daleks knowing about the Doctor is bad SPECIFICALLY

‘even if we blow up the ship, theres still SAS daleks marauding through earth’s skies’ she says, like she wasn’t supposed to have a plan to stop them ??????

‘right’ she said, walked off, and then didn’t think of a plan

‘orrr.... you’re gonna have to trust me on this one Yaz’

this is such a TERRIBLE and unsubtle and stupid way to segue into discussing the Doctor’s problems with disappearing

WHY IS CHIBNALL HAVING THEM SAVE ROBERTSEN - fuck this! FUCK THIS!

wow - that’s really shit of the Doctor - just telling a TARDIS to destroy itself completely......

really chibnall.....really you’re gonna let this man get away LIKE THIS. I’m done. i’m done. im sorry but this is not something to just PLAY with. letting a Trump guy get the better of the female Doctor not once, but twice? this makes me so sad. and im done. it’s just insult after insult. he just doesn’t GET it. this is too close to my heart. this is not a GAME. this is supposed to be a  fucking POWER FANTASY - and he can’t even fucking make it that. he can’t discuss the problems with power because he can’t even FATHOM the Doctor as a power fantasy in this form. fuck. this.

‘can you believe that’ - ‘yeah i can’

thanks - thanks for this political hopelessness on top of the real shit Chibnall. that’s not what Doctor Who is about - that’s the starting point - not the fucking end state

i know it’s supposed to be related to Ryan and how it’s quite subtly about making the world a better place politically bc it’s going to hell - and Robertsen is definitely coming back because chibnall just does that shit

but

if he wanted to do that he should have had Ryan and Robertsen have a confrontation this episode

a hug. a HUG. my god. so what was the absence of hugs all about then? now im grumpy about THAT. fck

this is good acting, good lines, good normal ending to Graham’s time in the TARDIS, it ties in just a little bit with his family arc. but it’s not particularly coherent - guess that;s life ?

‘it’s ok to be sad’ - cut to black. that was good

so the conclusion is that all they needed to be like the Doctor is a little gadget. this is deeply incoherent but it appeals to me anyway. and i dont really understand how Robertsen features into protecting the planet from aliens then

what is this weird Ryan speech lol. Tosin did incredibly good on making that seem halfway organic.

ok so Grace appearing made me tear up lol

[dreamyaqua]

firstly i wanna say sorry for the delay cause im soo busy with my uni work and internship work so sorry for that ;__;

dont need to thank meeee!!! im so happy you're getting a lot of asks around astrology so you're improving yourself like you wanted!! i hope you dont get too overburdened, people sometimes take these accounts for granted and they somtimes leave nasty comments when you dont get to their question immediately or if something doesnt add up. dont take these to heart and just do you!!!

i totally relate to your virgo moon!! i have the same thought process!! my take is let people think im dumb, at least im TRYING to learn??

and omg thats sooooooooo sweet of you to think like that <33 and hahaha i guess you're really good at astrology than you thought??? and sangyeon is not even my bias but he's in my wrecker list - BUT he's definitely my ideal type among the boyz!! i realised i would like a caring, protective partner who can only give out affection and love and also be my best friend you know??? also i think he would love to babie his s/o right, he already manages 10 guys together lmaooo and he's a great uncle to his cute nephews too!! 

i can totally see us getting along well and he's so marriage material like you said - now i can only see him and i getting married :(( the only problem is we have an age different of 4 years now and we're gonna have a lottt of communication barriers for obvious reasons lmaoo but HEYYYYYY its LEE SANGYEON we're talking about??? i'd do anything for that man :'))) oh, the struggle of having good compatibility with your kpop boy but you cant date him :((((((((((((((((

hopefully i'll find someone with similar placements HAHAHA LMAOO

damn i guess we're more alike that i thought lmao! actually i can understand why, my signature sign is aquarius and you're an aquarius sun!!! lets be weird and eccentric together lmaooo whats your signature sign?

dont worry about how i feel rn currently!! i think, in some way, i've matured in many ways and i can still say no to things better than before. i've also healed from the past and i've forgiven those who have hurt me, it made me realise whom i should away with and whom i should hang out with more!! so thanks for asking!! :) damn libra stellium huh?? that's super cool and the 7th house rules relationships i've heard? what does your stellium mean in that respect? in case you're wondering, my 7th house is EMPTY ROFLLLLLL 

oh, i'm so sorry for your friend!! have they healed from their experiences??

omg you're too cute and kind jesus where have you been on tumblr all this time!! thanks for that btw...i realised you cant stop being a kind person just because of some shitty people. unfortunately the world is filled with shitty people than kind so you gotta adjust according to that! and besides if we werent so friendly and helpful i wouldnt find someone as nice as you!! c:

is that so???? oh shit lmaoo i mean i think thats good!!! and hell yeah!! lets be goners!! andddd i just checked again and no it isnt :( does conjuction mean having the same planet in the same sign? then yes it does (leo sun, leo venus) !! otherwise no :( my sun is in conjuntion with my mars tho!!! what does that mean?? :o 

nooo i love long replies :( it just shows you care and you want to talk and i love making friends and talking!! i actually had more questions, not related to myself but to know more about you!!

firstly where you from sweetcheeks?? and among the boys, who are you most compatible with and how?

i hope youre not surprised by this verryyyy long post and i hope you're doing okay!!! 

///

Omg it's fine don't worry!! May I ask what you're majoring in?^-^ I'm also currently busy with uni work, so I'm also sorry for the late answer🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Aww thank you so much for your sweet words!! So far, everyone has been nothing but kind to me but if a not so kind asks ever shows up, I'll try my best not to mind it. I do a lot of calculating for the ships, so I can't do too many at once and always make sure to take a rest and relax my mind^-^ I just want to do them thoroughly and to the best of my abilities and not just slack and say something~ but of course, I'll make sure not to overwork myself. I'd love to have a little astrology business someday, so I'm also glad for the practice^-^

Oof yes, you're so right!! I struggle a bit with caring too much about what other people think of me, I need to learn to be more nonchalant about it but it's so hard😭

Aww you're welcome and thank you so much!!🥺💞 I'm not so sure, haha, but it would be cool if I'm actually better than I think- And that's so sweet!! Who knows, he might bias-wreck you someday😌👉🏻👈🏻 but you're right, he's really a gentle and calm and sweet person, I think you'd feel so safe with him and he'd make sure to take care of you.🤧

Omg I feel that struggle so much!! But hey, at least we can dream about it, right?😭 I actually dream of my biases so much, it's ridiculous at this point. Do you also dream of idols/your biases?😂

Aww, I'm sure you'll find someone like that! There's plenty of fish out in the sea, maybe you'll find even someone who's even better for you🥺 so never give up hope~✨

And ohhh that makes so much sense!!🥺 I'm both Aquarius dominant and Aquarius is also my signature sign. Though, I must say something about it confuses me so much... I just can't really relate to it?? Either Aquarius is an extremely misunderstood sign or there's something in my chart that I haven't found yet that influences me differently...🤔 but yes, let's be eccentric and weird together, I'm always up for that😂

Ohh, I'm so glad to hear that!! Every step into the right direction is worth acknowledging and being proud of. We can't go from one extreme to the other overnight, so I'm really happy to hear you've already made progress!!🥺 And yes, my friend is also currently on that journey and protecting herself from toxic people!! A stellium in my 7th house means that a huge focus in my life will be (romantic) partnerships, with my sun being there, it could feel as if I'm incomplete without a relationship and that being in a relationship is part of my identity. With mercury in there, it means that communication is extremely important to me in a partnership and that I value intelligent partners. And I also have Uranus in there which is a bit meh because it brings an unconventional touch to it all, so basically it means that I could find myself suddenly getting into a relationship or a relationship that suddenly ends. With unconventional Uranus there, it could also mean having an unconventional partnership that doesn't follow traditional rules and that you might dislike the thought of marriage. And well, it also means divorce haha. But I can't really relate to that one as well, since I want a more traditional relationship and I'm not into more unconventional ways of dating... I fully relate to mercury there, I don't think I could ever be with someone that doesn't match with me on an intellectual level and the sun...well, it also fits, however, I'm not the type of person who jumps from one relationship to the other. I'm very careful with that and also have a fear of commitment, so I'm usually in an imaginary relationship with whoever I'm currently crushing on but at the same time, I'm also happy being single in real life^-^ And an empty 7th house is not bad at all!! It just means that either you don't put as much focus in that area of your life OR that you've already learned the lessons of the 7th house!!^-^

Aww omg you're so sweet, thank you so much!!😭🥺 I can only give it back💞 and I also agree with you!! It costs nothing to be kind and I often can't fathom, in blind naivety, how some people can be so cruel and lie to you with a straight face or something like that. I could never do that. I always say, and yes that's cliche but-, "I'm being kind because people haven't been kind to me." And since I know what it feels like to be treated unkindly, I don't want to do this to anyone else. Like you said, there's enough misery going on in the world, we really don't need to add on to it, and instead try our best to be a good person and be kind to others.❤

A conjunction is an aspect between two planets when they're less than 10° apart from each other. Depending on the planets involved, it can be a good thing or maybe not so good. Your sun being in conjunction with your mars (but out of sign, since your sun is in Leo and mars in Cancer), means that the qualities of these two planets are being enhanced by each other. With the sun and mars, it means you'd be energetic, courageous, fierce and assertive. You'd be passionate about asserting your identity - however since the two planets aren't in the same sign, these energies might not be as strong.🤔

Ahh I'm glad to hear that!! I struggle to keep myself short and always end up exchanging huge paragraphs with others😂👉🏻👈🏻

I'm from Switzerland, to answer your question^-^ and you?🥰💞 And as for who I'm most compatible with the boyz... omg tbh, if you calculate it differently you get slightly different results😂 I tried to be as inclusive as possible and that led me to believe I'm most compatible with: Kevin/Hyunjae/Juyeon, then Eric/Chanhee/Changmin/Younghoon, then Haknyeon/Jacob and least compatible with Sangyeon & Sunwoo (I'm sorry babes🤧).

Aww no, don't worry that's fine!!^-^ I'm still ill but it's slowly getting better🤒 I hope you're doing okay yourself and that you make sure not to get overworked!!🥺💞

[realblackhelix]

Regarding Season 5 Legends of Tomorrow

Spoilers mostly because of two paragraphs of quotes hinting at Season 5 but it's not really spoilery.

So everyone seems a little worried about the season finale spoilers which are hinting about what season 5 may be about and while I am a little something has been niggling at me, a lot of somethings.

If you are here only for Avalance. Check #4 it's a theory that I haven't been able to shake since I read the Season 5 spoilers.

Here for potential episode count of Season 5 of Legends of Tomorrow and/or the potential reasoning behind it's midseason, next year move? Try #3

Or here for a potential theory regarding Season 5 entirely. This also includes Avalance and has a little more backbone then #4. Check out #5

Here for Crisis on Infinite Earths? Check the last part.

So I made a list and dug back through almost every episode of Legends from season 3-4 to try to calm my fears and honestly I think there are some huge clues buried deep in there.

1. People are worried that next Season will be Legends of Tomorrow's last and I honest to god think Legends of Tomorrow will end with a Season 6 and not 5. Why do I think this? Mostly because the CW renewed it for season 5 didn't mention it was ending and renewed Arrow for season 8 and mentioned that it would be it's final season. Plus I doubt they'd end two of the Arrowverse shows one after the other. I know it hasn't been running as long as Arrow and Legends isn't the flagship show but I do believe they would've let people know if that would be it. Though that said I do believe Legends will have a Season 6 and that will be it's last, do I want it to be? No.

Should it be? That's to be determined.

There are hundreds of stories a show like Legends could tell but honestly ask yourself is it worth the risk of Legends losing what makes it Legends, let it and those in it go down as Legends I say.

2. And what happens when the Legends awaken the original guardians of Time (no, not the Time Masters, sillies, that was season one!) who wish to erase everything the Legends have “screwed up for the better” over the past four seasons?

I needed to especially hit this nail on the head, considering I began writing a fic back at the beginning of 3B about original guardians of time, I literally even called them Time Guardians and tied the original 2 of them to Adam and Eve and there was this whole plot surrounding what if and honestly Im scrapping it now, I was probably never going to finish it but I was almost half way through so thats something.

Now to get on with the actual point of this quote, I dont know if anybody has noticed but this entire season offset with the actors and actressess and onset as their characters, especially the closer it gets to the finale has been extremely focused on the wrongs season 1 did, how bad it was, how much the actors didn't like it (example - Dominic Purcell's quote, Phil Klemmers comments about it and on and on with the other actors), the quote above even mentions the fact that these guardians will try to correct the past 4 seasons and then there's Sara's and Mick's mention to it in "Nip/Stuck", the offshoot moment that had everyone going awwww when Mick mentioned they were the last of the originals and Sara mentioned they were different back then and that they are growing up but hopefully not apart (a huge hint I believe that this show is ready to tie the knot, just not season 5 ready because they'll need to be adults for that ending and they aren't quite there yet) season 4 was about coming to terms with that fact and season 5 will be about them acting on it, season 6 will be the realisation that every Legend has an ending. This is where season 5 'them acting on being adults' comes into it, I believe Legends is going to try to write season 1's wrong in a way they haven't done yet, do I mean they'll literally go back and rewrite season 1? No, i swear to god they better not that would be another level of unbelievable yet to be achieved but that doesn't mean certain aspects of season 1 won't have a huge impact, season 1 brought them together as in Sara's words "the original losers, not important to history" and now look at them. Season 1 of Legends will play a pivotal plot point to Season 5, a realisation of soughts. It's time for the Legends to grow up, realise that every action truly has consequences and that nothing lasts forever, something they couldn't fathom when Rip tried to keep them from fixing their mess in 3x01 forcing them to get normal lives and not be time travelling superheroes. Though they'll surely have their fun discovering this.

3. Midseason Return and episode count

Okay, I am not worried at all about this. Is it shitty? Yeah definitely. We won't be getting episodes until at least at minimum January next year but let's be honest with Batwoman hitting our screens, this was going to happen.

Legends of Tomorrow is the CW's most outrageous, crazy, no ordinary run of the mill show they have. It's no longer able to fit with the nitty gritty of the Arrowverse, it's in a league of its own.

These things are what make Legends of Tomorrow, Legends of Tomorrow. It wouldn't be the same if it resembled the street show Arrow is or the teen superhero show the Flash is or the normal, kind of? that Supergirl is or whatever type of darl thing Batwoman will be. Just like Black Lightning (which if you aren't watching, why?) Legends is something of its own. Unique.

Moving Legends away may very well be them realising this.

As for episode count, I don't expect anything above 16 episodes but I certainly don't expect anything below 13. This whole 10 episode rumour going around, I find it hard to believe, Arrow got 10 mostly because it's the last season and Stephen Amell requested a shorter series to end on.

4. Avalance - let's be honest most of you reading this are only here for the Avalance. Probably.

What do I think of Avalance leading into season 5? I think we got our answer perhaps in the form of Clexacon, 4B and the spoiler. Everyone is so concerned with the fact that they may break up that they haven't considered something entirely different.

In attempting to change her future, Zari Tomaz (Tala Ashe) will accidentally change not just the past she shared with Nate Heywood (Nick Zano), but fundamentally change who the Legends are in season five.

From this one paragraph everybody assumes they are going to be broken up in this new reality. If that turns out to be the case I am all here for a finding their way back to each other season. Remember, Sara and Ava are who each other want. They'll find their way back to one another.

Though this isn't what I get from this, remember Clexacon. Remember baby Beebo's? Remember Ava wanting a life with Sara and Sara not entirely sure she could give that to Ava with her past, remember everything with Sara's father, remember Ava wanting to talk about kids and so on and so on. Now I'm not saying Quentin will make an appearance but I am suggesting that what if this new reality is everything they ever wanted, what if it's paradise, Ava has a kid with Sara, Sara has her father and she's in a good place with Ava but nothing feels right. What if it changes their lives all for the better and season 5 is them coming to terms with the fact that they can't have something that isn't really real. Imagine Ava having to let go of a child, Sara having to say goodbye to a living family, Nate saying goodbye to his Dad again, Mick having to let go off being some famous writer and so on and so on for every other character. It's not their reality whether it's perfect or not at the end of the day they are heroes and now they need to prove it.

Will Avalance have a rough patch? No doubt.

Will they be broken up at the start of next season? Who knows, I don't, not really.

Will they find their place together? Definitely, I'd bet my life Legends Season 5 ends with Avalance. Though Season 6 may start with only one of them.

5. What if the opposite of the above happens?

What if it's the fact that Zari erases herself from history or never meets the Legends and detrimentally changes the future, I mean that was a theme through all of season 3 and looking back at the fantastic episode "Here We Go Again" Gideon and Zari figure out that without her they can't stop Mallus, what else would've happened without Zari.

If Zari never met the Legends what would the impact be?

First we need to take a look at Zari and what brought her too the Legends, namely her brother and the desire to save him, he gave her the totem, so let's think this through, if Zari some how manages to save her brother (I'm gonna say she saves him with her dragon, that dragon will come into play somehow, leaving it at Zari's was in no way a random thing), she never gets the totem, she never joins the Legends and the Legends no longer have six totems.

What then? What about Mallus? What about Nora?

What about Avalance, Zari (with the help of the cheeky bot, Sara's words not mine,) were catalysts for them, is it possible that without her push to Sara, Ava moved on with that ex in Vegas or someone else. It would give Legends and opportunity for some hilarious Sara jealousy and pining something we haven't really ever seen. Could you imagine? They would be friends with or without Zari but would they be together? Sara is a little stupid when it comes to admitting feelings and Ava is a little dense when it comes to anything Sara related, it would make for a joy to watch as Sara and Ava fall in love all over again but never truly get together until everything is fixed with time and they realise the lynch pin to their relationship starting was Zari.

What about Charlie? Or Constantine? Zari had a huge impact on both characters, "Legends of To-Meow-Meow" is all the proof you need.

Would Constantine even be a part of the team?

Would Charlie?

Would Mick be a writer, Zari gave him the push he needed, to be out as a writer and to be a writer. Without Zari, Here We Go Again never happened.

Zari impacted every one of Legends, willing or not. Mostly not.

What about those donuts? Would the Waverider be overrun by donuts? Poor Gideon.

Crisis on Infinite Earths

Alright this is because this makes me more nervous than Season 5 of Legends spoilers does. Probably because we haven't heard anything really and only have the comics to truly back the crazy theories surrounding it.

Lets give it a look. Canon flow of the story between all shows hasn't been the CW's greatest forte, their plot holes only seem to get bigger and bigger with every second or third episode that hits the screen as they try to tie all these shows together.

That said, one thing that has yet to become a plot hole, at least not that I've seen. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

The Legends were picked because they wouldn't impact history in any great way. Sara dying or any Legends dying to save the multiverse would throw a wrench into this and blow the biggest plot hole in Legends that would be pretty hard to turn around from. I'm not saying that they might not try because it is the CW but let's be honest going into Clexacon, Jes and Caity knew how Legends was going to end, Caity will be back for the next season which would be awkward if she died in the crossover (Though she does have a habit of coming back from death), so relax chill and wait to see that most likely this Crossover will show what happens with Oliver Queen the Arrow, one final Arrowverse send of for the one who started it. Love or loathe Arrow, personally for me it went downhill around season 5 but I hold a soft spot for it, love or loathe you probably wouldn't have everything else without it. So give it a round of applause when it finishes, Stephen Amell and the rest of them deserve it.

That said it is Crisis on Infinite Earths, who's to say that the new season of Legends will take place on the Earth we are familiar with, after all they're time travellers, who needs Earth, time will do just fine. Just have to wait and see.

If only we had a time machine right?