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lostysworld · 3 years

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Only if I could - Kaz Brekker x reader (Part II)

@acupnoodle

Masterlist

Part I

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader

Warnings: none

Summary: everything is in the request) When you leave the Crows, the heist goes wrong. Kaz decides to do something with it.

A/N: yes, I'm finally back!!!

Everything goes wrong.

Every detail of the scheme Kaz came up with early in the morning after your departure goes not like he planned it. He screws up completely.

He split Y/N's part of the job between Jesper and Inej, who didn't even ask a single question about the girl's absence. Maybe because she's already told them. Jesper, for sure. Kaz's face darkens because of this thought. The feeling that he could do something for you and didn't do that starts chasing him more with every second.

When all of the Crows have already finished with the heist, or it seemed like that, they heard voices from someone who should have been guards. And now if they don't run away right now, they will end up in the hands of the guard, or worse. Dead.

Muttering under his breath Jesper is running to the entrance, suddenly noticing one exact detail. Kas is not wearing his gloves. How can he not see it before, in the beginning of the heist?

The amount of questions is increasing in the boy's head, but he has no time to get distracted. Maybe if Y/N was here, they won't be in the situation like that. She always knows how to escape. Y/N would come up with ideas.

– Kaz, wait! - Jesper is breathing heavily, trying to catch up with others. Inej is nowhere to be seen, but Kaz isn't worried about her. This girl always finds her way to escape safely.

When they seem to leave the guard behind, Brekker stops near the wall of a building, helping Fahey to catch his breath. His own leg is throbbing with pain, sending hot waves up and down his body.

– I told you-

– Not now, Jesper!

Kaz is mad. At Jesper for his witty comments, at guard, who was trying to catch and kill them. And at himself for not predicting this course of events. Even at Y/N, but what for, he doesn't get to think of.

But then distant sounds of gun shots reach men's hearing, which means, that they are not in the safe place yet.

Suddenly one of the bullets sings right above Kaz's head, and Jesper immediately pulls him aside, down the narrow dark street. Heavy steps are still heard behind their backs.

When they literally run out of strength to go on further, and Kaz's leg refuses to serve properly, someone tugs them to the deserted gateway.

– Where are you two running? Straight to your death?!

This voice, that Brekker craved to hear, finally rings in loud whisper. Y/N is standing right in front of them with the face expression, that even he would hesitate to argue with. Jesper only smiles to her. By Kaz's count, she should be far away by now.

– I bet, we end up in more welcoming hands, - Kaz almost flinches at that blink, that Fahey gives to the girl. – But we need to-

– Kaz!

With that she moves fast in front of Brekker like a flash, covering him with her body. Behind them one of the guards are standing with a gun in his hands, and Jesper instantly shoots his revolver back. Two shots ring simultaneously right next to their heads.

The man falls dead with a hole between his eyes, and the boy turns to his friends to say about saving them, but his glance bumps into the girl, who is hanging on to Kaz's shoulders. One of her palms is pressed to her left side.

– Y/N, hey!

Jesper is not stupid. He rushes to her, grabbing her waist and throwing one of her arms across his shoulder, helping her to stand.

– Got you, princess. Hold on.

He sees Brekker's wide eyes, but doesn't know what from. Is it Y/N's touch, that concerns him, or her wound?

– Jes, hey, easy! - she winces from pain and shifts her weight a bit. Seeing her predicament, Jesper lifts her up, holding her tight and preventing all unnecessary movements. When the girl relaxes a bit, he goes on straight to the Slat.

Kaz follows them without a word. He can hardly say something to his own and Jesper's surprise. Y/N saved his life, jeopardized her own and what for. Only to save him. The Bastard of the Barrel, the bastard that ruined everything in his life with his own hands.

Brekker saw this panic in her eyes in the last seconds before she got shot. How both of them, he and Fahey, failed to notice a man behind them?

And then these long moments of her clinging to him, waiting for him to help her and hold her body after getting the wound. What did he do instead? Nothing. As usual. He should be at Jesper's place, holding her body carefully, taking her to safety. Now he only has to follow his people like a stray dog.

Kaz squeezes his fists in boiling anger. Anger with himself and his inactivity, insecurity and whatever it can be. It is the second time in a row, when he finds himself not able to do what he really wants.

But it's time to finally do anything with it.

Kaz spends forty eight hours sitting without a motion at your bed side, all this time his eyes are scanning yours features, trying to notice even the slightest change. Or it's better to say, absence of this change.

The wound was not that serious, but the significant amount of blood that you've lost played its role in your healing process. Nina has done everything she could, and even during that Brekker didn't leave your side, watching the heartrender carefully.

The scene of you getting shot is still in front of his eyes, the way Jesper carried your weak body carefully. In that moment Kaz was cursing his touch aversion with all his heart. Yes, he wanted to be on Fahey's place even when they get to the Slat, touch your hair to soothe you to sleep in your fever, to smooth the wrinkle between your brows, to take your hand in his own in the end.

And when you finally move on sheets, you realize you are not in your bedroom. Leaning your head slightly to your shoulder you notice way too familiar piercing glance.

– Don't move. You can rip your sutures.

The same demanding voice. Something never changes.

– Wasn't even thinking about it, - nevertheless you somehow try to move your arm at least. Two days of lying has its cons. – For how long-

– Long enough, - Kaz's features harden and he moves closer, sitting on your bed from his chair. – What were you thinking about, Y/N?!

Not that death threat changes something in you, but now you found out that you can joke freely with Brekker.

– Don't know...maybe saving your life?

– You could be dead by now, if it's not for Nina.

– But I'm not dead, - you take a breather and raise your eyes at him, catching his glittering gaze. – Seems, to your greatest disappointment.

Kaz opens his mouth to argue, but suddenly realizes, that you are right. You have quite twisted impression about him and some of his reactions. And it's all to his inappropriate behavior and acting with you.

But if he decided to do something to fix it, he should do it right now and tell you how he feels, but not wait until you are on your deathbed or gone.

– Y/N-

– I don't like this face expression of you, Kaz, - your light smirk eases the tension in him.

– I feel like I should apologize.

– It's not your fault-

– No, not your wound, - the man is clearly struggling with words. – But this too. I should have watched my back carefully.

You are watching Brekker's words literally stuck in his throat, and lay your hand on top of his. That's the moment, when you realize, that he doesn't wear his gloves.

You immediately take your hand back, as if his skin can accidentally burn you, but Kaz catches your wrist placing it between his palms. Today is surely the day of surprises, but you wouldn't change a thing.

– Kaz-, - you want to start telling him, that he shouldn't do that, if it's uncomfortable for him. But that fire in his eyes doesn't let you go on.

– I should have done this long before you told me about your departue, Y/N.

The man sees you lying in front of him, pale and so fragile, that his heart clenches. Now the two of you have plenty of time to talk everything through, but then the door slowly opens with squeaking.

You see Jesper looking out of the corridor and smile weakly to him. With your smile warm around your hand vanishes. You throw a panicked glance at Brekker, but his face becomes a cold mask again.

– How are you feeling, Y/N?

Fahey steps into the room, his tone is light, but wary. You try to sit down when Kaz helps you to lean on soft pillows. With that he stands up, intending to walk out of the room.

This sudden change in the man's behavior doesn't go unnoticed for you and you turn to Jesper.

– Could you come here later, Jes? I have a big talk with Kaz, okay?

Both of men halts instantly looking at you with a kind of confusion, then Jesper shruggs his shoulders and leaves. Brekker, in turn, is still standing in the middle of the room.

– What was it for? - you notice the tense wrinkle between his brows as he takes a step closer to you. – I don't want to-

– What's going on, Kaz?

– What do you mean?

You scan his whole figure and pat the edge of the bed for him to sit near. Hesitating for a secong, the man follows your silent order.

– I didn't want you to leave, Kaz. It's just Jesper, he would ask about my well-being and leave.

– I simply didn't want to ruin your moment, - you frown in confusion.

– What's the moment you are talk- Oh...

– What?

– I know! - you close your mouth with your hand. The sudden realization hits your head like a burglar in the middle of the street. – Kaz, Saints.

He keeps pretending that he doesn't know what you are talking about, but it is pretty clear for both him and you.

– Just don't deny it, Brekker.

– Deny what? I can't deny anything if I-

– You've thought, that I am with Jesper.

He looks at you with a mix of his omnipresent arrogance and confusion, that looks well on him. The fact, that he was worrying about you and your possible relationships, makes your heart beat faster. But it also gives you a topic to think about. He and Inej.

– And you want to tell me that you are not?

He raises a brow, and you can't hold back a short laughter. Even if it means the sudden flash of pain hits your ribs.

It makes you caugh and Kaz helps you to sit fully. He is still holding your hand though. You can be as slow as Brekker sometimes, but he, touching your bake skin with his, gives you enough proof, that everything between him and Inej was your game of imagination.

You gather your inner strength and glance at him not daring to brake eye contact.

– It's you, Kaz. It's always been you, - his fingers twitch slightly on your skin. – Not even death can ever change it.

Kaz keeps his eyes on you, seems, something happens, if he looks away. A sorrowful smirk crosses his face, and the man leans his head.

– You are a better person than I, Y/N.

– I don't think, it's wise to rate it.

You try to support him with a warm smile, and it even seems to work somehow. Then you suddenly remember:

– I will come back to my room-

– No way, - Brekker squeezes your palm, you even wonder how he manages to touch you for this long. – You will stay here, where I can look after you.

He stands up heading somewhere, and after a couple of seconds Kaz returns with bandages for your wound. While he is trying to untangle it, you notice his hands trembling slightly.

Your hand reaches for his and softly covers his fingers. You have never seen him this nervous before. But except for care about you, Brekker has his reputation to uphold.

– I will still be with you. But I could sleep in my own room, so it will not be that obvious. I don't need to-

– No, - his strict glance meets yours confused one. – The Dregs will not care. And others can tell everything they like. I will still be the Bastard of the Barrel.

– Your reputation can be spoiled by this.

He shakes his head.

– Then it is already spoiled. They are fools, if they let my glory rise or fall on this.

Kaz raises his glance and this strange expression makes you forget what you are about to ask. You can only watch him back.

– What? - he just shakes head once again, hesitating to speak.

– I was more than a fool when I let you leave us-

– Leave you.

The corners of your lips go a bit up. His expression reflects yours.

– Leave me, yes. I won't make the same mistake again, though.

– So won't I.

His looks you over in one swift second and furrows.

– What do you mean? - you remember all this nonsense you got to think about him and Inej and only smile.

– Nothing, Kaz, - your thumb is slowly brushing circles on the back of his palm. – It's nothing.

#kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker fanfiction #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker fanfic #six of crows x reader #six of crows imagine #six of crows #six of crows x you #grishaverse imagine #grisha trilogy #the grisha trilogy #tgt #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone

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yesimwriting · 3 years

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Searing Starlight (chapter two)

A/n Chapter twooo!! I cannot believe the support I’ve been getting on here im so excited to share my six of crows/shadow and bone fics with y’all!

Lmk if you’d like to be tagged when I update this story!! And just letting y’all know I take requests so if you have an idea you’d like to see me attempt feel free to comment it or send it in :))

At least Kaz’s claimed ‘wraith’ (which is such an odd thing to just have) is a girl, and a seemingly kind one at that. She was quick to find me, body pressed into wooden shelves and glass bottles, and subtly gesture for me to follow her. It had been difficult to keep track of her flighty form through the crowd, but I think there was a point in her strange raveling, to make sure no one was following me.

She’s not particularly talkative, but she doesn’t seem bothered by me. She tossed me a random oversized shirt to pull over my dress when she saw how I kept adjusting the fabric and crossing my arms. That was kinder than she needed to be. I think I’ll like her.

“So you’re a wraith,” I manage, breaking the nervous silence, “Like a full time, constantly on-call wraith.”

The question seems to puzzle her, dark eyebrows drawing together. “Yes.” The corner of her mouth twitches up slightly, a smile. “A full time, constantly on-call wraith.” She hesitates, perfect stance adjusting. “What were you doing before?”

Great. This question. “Nothing important.” It’s not a fair cop-out. Especially since she answered my question. “I um...I’m indentured to Rollan Kenya.”

I watch her reaction to the name. Some know of him. Some revere him. Some loathe him and everything he’s associated with. “His religious interpretations are controversial.”

“If you think what he says to the public is bad you should hear what he says in private.” I push myself further into the chair I’m in.

Something strange flickers over her features. “I can imagine.”

Shaking my head, I hope I’m ending this conversation. “What’s your name?”

A hesitation. “Inej.”

I nod once, “I’m y/n.”

“Do you need water, y/n?”

I scratch my still exposed knee. “That’d be nice. Thank you.”

She’s quick to leave, feet making no noise. A minute later she returns with a cup. I have no reason to suspect her, but I still sniff the cup before taking a cautious sip. I wonder if Anya made it back home. I wonder if she’s worse off for it.

Before I can fall into a pit of debating despair, the door to the room Inej took me to squeaks open. On instinct, I snap my gaze towards the door, tensing. The first person I notice is Kaz, entering the room with a determination too intense for this time of night. Jesper is quick to follow, and I drop my stare. I’ve never had to interact with anyone I’ve lied to after taking their money.

“Are they gone?” Inej asks, clearly accustomed to such brooding tension.

Kaz nods once, “It took too much convincing--the Inferni’s more than she’s letting on.”

I’m literally in the room. “I’m not--we’ve spoken two words to each other, sorry my abilities didn’t come up.”

He turns towards me with a deadly grace. My grip on the cup tightens. What the hell is wrong for me? How deeply instilled is that god complex Kenya wanted in me? It must be as part of me as my name if I felt comfortable enough to speak that way to Kaz Brekker.

I keep my eyes on his cane, waiting for some kind of physical retaliation. “Maybe the grisha hunting you would appreciate your sense of humor more.”

It’s a bluff. He needs me. He’s desperate for something that can mimic a Sun Summoner. Still though, I’m not in the mood to poke a bear with a stick. “Speaking from experience,” I clear my throat awkwardly, “They tend not to.”

“Then I suggest you begin explaining before I decide I’d rather take my chances and you lose your worth.”

Maybe if I hadn’t spent the last eleven years of my life with Kenya, his words would haunt me. I keep my expression set, but the lanterns in the room flicker. “It’s not as impressive as they’re making it seem--Inferni can produce fire, regular, red, bright fire.” I pause, feeling energy in my palms. “I can do the same, but I can also,” I extend a flat palm, “Do this.”

I focus my energy on restraint, forcing the fire on my skin to remain there, covering my palms in a cold, blue glow. “It’s still fire, just blue--and that matters to them because blue light is the only kind you can use in the Fold.” Do they know anything about the fold? “Kenya, the man I’m indentured to, believes that this ability makes me eligible for Sainthood. He specializes in collecting people he thinks are eligible for Sainthood.” The low flame coating my palm licks upwards as I remember what disappointing Kenya means. “And if you don’t meet his standards, he’ll find a way to make sure you do. That’s why the grisha want me. He made me more and they believe that if they give me to someone who can give me an amplifier I’ll be able to produce enough blue light to protect an entire fleet.”

“What do you mean ‘he’ll find a way to make sure you do’?” Inej’s voice is cautious. An attempt to be respectful.

I drop my palm, letting the fire disappear into nothingness. “I wasn’t born with the ability to control the blue light so well--It’s difficult enough to produce for longer than two seconds let alone keep it from burning everything in sight. By the time I ended up in Kenya’s control he had learned that certain stimulants. Some scientists are working on a more grisha-targeted kind, but Kenya has managed to work with the generic well enough.” Hands shaking, I wipe the condensation off the side of the cup and hold out my wrist. Using the condensation, I begin to wipe at my wrist and forearm, smearing my makeup and revealing the needle bruises. “The key is withdrawals.”

Thoughts of begging Kenya, crying and screaming for another fix as he promised to give me that as soon as I showed some control of my abilities, make the shaking in my hand worse. I clasp my hands together, squeezing them in hopes of hiding the signs of withdrawal.

I stare at the ground, not wanting to take anyone’s reaction in. I handle pity as well as I handle kindness.

“Do you think you could produce enough blue light for one ship?”

Looking up, I take in Kaz’s measured expression. I’m glad he’s sticking to business. I’d rather that than deal with unpacking all of that with a group of strangers that don’t care if I live or die.

“I could try.” I’ve never tried to protect anything that large. “Even if I can, it doesn’t mean a voyage like that will be safe.”

“There’s no real safety in the Fold,” he replies easily. Realistic expectations. That will make this easier. “No one finds out about her--especially not Pekka Rollins.”

I pull my arm towards my body, glad for the opportunity to hide the bruises. Signs of my weakness. The worst part was always the way Kenya would speak to me after. Pathetic. Weak. Trapped within the restraints of my flesh.

“Who’s Pekka Rollins?”

Kaz briefly turns his head in my direction. “No one that will ever concern you.” He ignores my annoyed huff. “We’ll use the Inferni to get to Alina Starkov.”

Alina. Alina Starkov. “What do you want with Alina?”

At that, the room seems to drain. I feel weirder than when they were seeing my abilities.

“You know her?” Jesper’s surprise reveals more than Kaz wants him to. I don’t miss the glare he receives.

I half-shrug. “We were in the same orphanage for awhile.”

“How did you get to Ketterdam?” I don’t trust Kaz’s urgency.

“I don’t remember, I was a child and I--I hit my head that night I think. I just woke up and I was with Kenya.”

“How well do you know Alina?”

There was a point in time in which she was my best friend. We learned how to braid hair by practicing on each other, we would draw maps together, and I was the only one who knew about her crush on Mal. “Not that well.”

He takes a step forward, eyes almost squinting. The touch of distrust is evident on his face. “If you’re lying I’ll find out.”

I owe Alina at least this. “Well then it’s a good thing I’m not.”

I’m not naive enough to believe that I’ve convinced him, but his intense gaze does not remain on me. I’m relieved when his attention is off of me, but he’s only moving on to start planning the riskiest thing I’ve ever done.

Taglist: @ambrosia-v-black

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goldengoddess · 3 years

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the crows and their godly parents

request: we should talk about ... who the crows' godly parents would be :)

a/n: AHHHH thank you for this request i get to talk about my two favorite things, please leave your thoughts/opinions!

inej ghafa - daughter of hades

sticks to the shadows

enjoys the silence

is almost always the observer

more powerful than anyone gives her credit for

she may be silent but she needs the laughs and the found family

is loved by everyone she meets

if you underestimate her once, you never do it again

knows everything

strong sense of justice

nina zenik - daughter of aphrodite

sorry i know this one is super obvious

instinct effect on people

very sure of herself and her own beauty

passionate

she OWNS the color red

loves so deeply

understands everyone's different love languages

flirts with everyone

knows all the romance language

finds a way to make her practical nemesis to fall in love with her

so so selfless

would sacrifice everything for the people she cares about

makes everyone feel beautiful in their own skin despite everything that’s hurt them

can literally make someone's heart stop, do i have to say anything else?

jesper fahey - son of apollo and dionysus

i absolutely can’t decide so he’s both

flirty as hell, as we all know

literally a ball of fucking sunshine

very bright and confident

comfortable with everyone

very into the party scene

dionysus’ effect would be his obsession with cards

extroverted as hell

happy and light until someone tries to fight him

will absolutely end your life and then make a joke about it

huggable and cute but don't fuck with what he loves

wylan van eck - hephaestus

okay this one is kind of a stretch

but hephaestus's thing is making things

everything is much more hands-on

lots of tinkering

and wylan is always working on making new substances

he doesn’t excel with words but gods can he work well with his head and hands to make something helpful for the crows

likes that jesper doesn’t sit still

mini kaz always has a different idea

or a different plan

or a different way of doing things

good under pressure

kaz brekker - son of athena

always has a plan

athena is the goddess of war strategy, and kaz always has a strategy

war without the aggression

unless absolutely necessary

she’s also wise

and though kaz plays his experience in the barrell as just toughening up it’s made him wise

people look to him for leadership

doesn’t need many words

kaz’s plans are creative

in a way they’re there own type or art

definitely the smart one outta the bunch

matthias helvar - son of ares

aggressive

mr im not a criminal im a Soldier

goes on too become a criminal

probably the most level headed of the group

like doesn’t do the impulsive thing and thinks like a fighter

softie on the inside

but only for one pretty heartrender

the family he has within the crows is so important to him

they’re like his regiment, the people he’ll go down fighting next to

all warriors need to rest sometimes so lots of exhausted lazy smiles

everyone confides in him for some reason

stubborn.

understands the importance of sacrifice :(

#god my two favorite things #inej gahfa #nina zenik #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #matthias helvar #helnik #the crows #kanej #jesper x wylan #six of crows #shadow and bone #crooked kingdom #leigh bardugo #percy jackson #godly parents #heros of olympus

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klbwriting · 3 years

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Unexpected Allies - Chapter 11

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz/female!Reader

Summary: Kaz has a rollercoaster of emotions kind of day

Notes: this chapter moves at a quick pace because it is mostly filler to get from one point to another, enjoy Kaz getting verbally trounced by Inej

Taglist: @mcntsee @amwitherspoon

Over the next few days Y/N kept her distance from the Dregs, even Kaz, during the day. In the night she still snuck into his tent to sleep next to him but in the daytime, they couldn’t stand each other. This confused the Dregs, except for Jesper, who had a pretty good idea what had happened, and he couldn’t stop himself from confronting Kaz about it.

“Are you crazy?” he asked Kaz after they finished up planning the job, they were taking up this weekend. “No one has seen Rollins and suddenly you and Y/N aren’t speaking? This insane plan is going to blow up in your faces.” Kaz glared at him, not liking his tone. Jesper took a step back at the look on his boss’s face.

“Are you quite finished?” Kaz snarled. Jesper nodded. “You have no idea why I wanted Rollins dead and you never will, so stay out of this.” Kaz walked away irritated. He was always irritated now, he wanted to find Y/N and be around someone who understood him, but she was in yet another meeting about the Darkling so instead Kaz just found a quiet spot to sit for a while. He was less than pleased when Inej found him. Apparently Jesper was sending in backup.

“You killed Rollins,” she said simply. Kaz didn’t answer, just waiting for her to get to the point. “This is bad Kaz, if anyone finds the body or finds out who did it…” She was cut off by yelling by the gate. Someone had found the body. They walked over and saw the charred remains being carried in on a wooden plank. The Dime Lions were yelling for the Grisha bitch who burned him. Kaz gripped his cane and caught the look Inej sent him.

“So you’re going to let her take the fall for this?” she asked.

“It was her idea,” Kaz muttered. Inej shook her head sadly.

“Kaz Brekker, always the one with the plans to get what he wants, never afraid to sacrifice for it, not even if he has to sacrifice the woman he loves. Actually, no Kaz, you’re not capable of love, not really,” she said, walking away from him. Kaz stood frozen. Was that really it? He did allow Y/N to take the fall for this, he didn’t argue, he just did whatever was needed to kill Rollins and get his revenge. He didn’t think of what might happen to Y/N in the aftermath. Would she be put on trial? Imprisoned? Executed? Maybe Inej was right, maybe he was incapable of love and only saw Y/N as another asset to be used how he saw fit. He looked around a little frantic now, hoping to see her, needing to see her. Kaz started walking to where the meeting tent was, needing to make sure she was alright.

Y/N had been in the middle of explaining a fortress that was located a few miles south of Os Alta when several of the Dime Lions stormed in, demanding her head. I guess they found the body, she thought as she stood. The rest of the group at the table started asking questions and Mal looked at her.

“Did you really kill this man?” he asked, looking dubious about the accusations. She nodded. “Why?” Y/N took a deep breath.

“He was a bad man, tried to hurt me, where do you think I got this shiner from?” she asked, pointing to the fading black eye and cut on her face. “I wasn’t going to be abused by another man again after dealing with the Darkling. I got carried away and I killed him.” She could tell Mal didn’t believe her, he thought he knew her, but the truth was even if Kaz had backed down and left Rollins alive she probably would have killed him eventually. He had the same eyes as the Darkling and she wanted to erase them from existence.

“We want her dead!” shouted Rollins second in command, Harv. Mal held up his hands.

“We will do this the proper way, she will stand trial for her crime. We will see if the killing was justified,” he said loudly, calming the crowd. The Lions didn’t like it but there were too many Grisha around that would protect one of their own for them to deal with so they agreed. “Take her to a cell.”

The cells were glorified cages stuck under a canvas to protect them from rain. Y/N sat on the small stool inside it, using her power to give her a fire to keep warm. She knew this might happen if she took the fall for Kaz’s kill, but she was willing to do it. They wouldn’t keep her here. Others were already coming forward and telling about how Rollins had been abusing his power, pillaging his way through the resistance, taking what he wanted or beating anyone who disagreed with him. She would get off and be out of here within a week. The risk was completely worth the reward. Which is why it surprised her when Kaz showed up looking so dishelved on her second day in the cage.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as he sat on a seat on the other side of the bars. He looked sick and a little frantic. “What happened?”

“I…I’m never going to love you the way you love me,” he said finally. Y/N’s mouth fell open. She couldn’t believe he was saying this.

“Kaz, I already told you, I don’t need you to touch me…what is this about?” she asked. He looked at the ground and not at her. Something was wrong, this wasn’t Kaz, this was something else. Someone had said something to him. “I know you can’t say it, I know that our relationship won’t be like anyone else’s and that’s alright, I’m fine with that.”

“No!” Kaz said finally, standing. “You did what I wanted and now you’re here. I’m willing to do anything to get what I want and no one is safe from me. You weren’t special, you were just easily fooled.” Y/N shook her head again, the betrayal sinking into her chest. She knew this wasn’t right, something was wrong. He was saying this because he was scared at what he had done, what position he put her in. She took a breath and looked at him, walking away from her.

“You’re lying Kaz Brekker, I know you are!” she called out to him, not caring who heard her. She saw him stop, tense up, and then keep walking.

Kaz hated what had just happened. He had said everything he could muster to get her to think he was done with her, that he had used her and let her go. Idiot that he was thought he could trick her like he had everyone else he had ever taken advantage of. But no, of course she could see through his act, she saw through to his soul and even that couldn’t lie to her. He stalked towards his tent and in a fury started smashing everything with his cane. All his frustration and fears coming out in untamed aggression. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in this frenzy but by the time he was finished he had nothing left, it was all broken around him. He didn’t notice the person staying by the open flap watching. When he looked up and saw Mal he glared.

“What the hell do you want?” he demanded. Mal looked at the mess in the tent and shook his head.

“Well I guess I want you to stop smashing stuff, its hard to find these days,” he said. Kaz sat down on Y/N’s bed, the only thing that had been saved from his rage. He gripped her blanket and pretended she would be sleeping there again that night. “What I really want Brekker is for you to explain to me what you did to Y/N that made her kill someone like that. Skinned? Stabbed multiple times? Head nearly bashed in? That’s not how a Grisha works. That’s how a thug works.”

“She was doing me a favor,” Kaz said. “But I didn’t do anything to make her that way. Playing games for you and your dead girlfriend is what made her that way. Leaving her with the Darkling for so long, that is what turned her into the type of person who helps a murderer slaughter another.” He saw Mal’s fists clench and unclench. He almost wanted Mal to hit him, take out the anger that he didn’t have the strength to take out on himself.

“I saw your little stunt at the cell, she didn’t buy it, she knows you were lying,” he said. “She’s going to be released any second now, too many other stories about Rollins being a heathen came up, we can’t keep someone locked up that did us all a favor.” Kaz looked at him surprised. She would be out and he knew she would come looking for him, get him to explain himself. How did he explain that he thought he loved her but would never be sure? He wasn’t the type of person to value another human, just money, solid cash that he knew would never betray him. Once again Greed had humbled him, making him see that he couldn’t have everything.

“Can I ask you something?” Kaz asked, focusing on the feeling of her blanket on his hand. Mal nodded. “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about me.” Mal confirmed that he had. “Can a monster like me care about someone else?”

“Literally everyone finds at least one person to care about. Maybe it’s a friend, maybe a child, a parent, a sibling, hell the Darkling did care about Alina in his own messed up way. So yes Brekker, I think you have found that one person you care about above all else and eventually you will figure out how to show her properly,” Mal said. “You just need time and practice.” Kaz was silent, mulling over the words in his head.

Mal turned to leave when a messenger came running in tent.

“Sir, the Grisha we released, the Lions took her in a carriage heading south. Someone heard them talking about dropping her off at Sarkoff’s prison as revenge for her killing Rollins,” she said, saluting. Mal looked at Kaz who was on his feet and out of the tent in seconds. If Mal was right he had to prove it, had to show Y/N that he did care about her, but to do that he had to get her back. Time for a heist.

#six of crows #kaz brekker x reader #kaz x reader #kazbrekker #kaz brekker #kaz #unexpected allies series

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lover-of-trash-and-people · 3 years

Text

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

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doorsclosingslowly · 3 years

Text

Someone, Broom in Hand

Kaz died before he turned sixteen. That’s the story. When he reappears, it’s at the side of the Dark General, wearing the thin fluttering robes of the Sun Summoner. Jesper travels to the Little Palace to punch his fucking teeth out.

Kaz[/&]Jesper | 7.5k | content note: nonlinear narrative, past and offscreen abuse

The purple kefta is too big for Kaz. Jesper doesn’t want to think about why he dumped his coat over Kaz’ head, except that Kaz looks weird and cold in his ugly fancy yellow paper taffeta shirt, his one layer that he’s wearing apart from the underpants that leave his knees bare.

That he looks uncomfortable at all should be nothing but a trick of the violent light: there are two separate lit fireplaces in the bedroom, so awkwardly placed that they were probably retrofitted by a Fabrikator. It might have been David, though then Jesper would surely have heard a treatise on the stones used to erect the Little Palace, or Gaz, or Lizaveta or any of the other Materialki Jesper’s been bunking with but—but anyway, if Kaz felt like wearing more, he could order an attendant to fetch another shirt or two. Unless there’s nothing he owns that isn’t thin and revealing and fucking yellow. Unless he’s not allowed… Unless he can’t even dress himself anymore without a gaggle of attendants. Man moves up in the world and forgets everything he knew: tale as old as time.

“Just like you forgot us,” Jesper mutters, less viciously than he should.

The Kaz-doll makes no comment. No protest. No further manipulation of Jesper’s old affections. No snide mockery for Jesper passing his kefta on to the man that less than an hour ago, he tried to kill.

He just pulls the coat on. With his odd bare fingers—no claws after all, just thin and human—he closes button after button, including the top four that Jesper’s never once used, struggling to pull the material over the bone-tines sticking out of his chest. (And who back home would believe that Dirtyhands has ordinary fingers and a totally fucked up chest?) It would be easier to leave it open, but Kaz, even now he’s a sunny lapdog, doesn’t do easy. When he drops his arms, the too-long sleeves fall down over his hands, and with his thumbs he traps the fabric there. Sad little improvised half-gloves, more than Jesper’s seen him wear in the month since he let himself get conscripted into the Little Palace. He looks back at Jesper.

There’s no Thank you—Kaz Brekker never knew that word, and it seems in the two years they had him, whatever else they forced on him the Ravkans failed to teach him any more manners—but there is something new in his glare. It’s not just the purple washing the colour off his smooth—his way too smooth face. No. It’s something old: defiant, and angry, and scheming, just barely breaking through the placid paint and the rust beneath it.

Bit by bit, as he buttons up Jesper’s kefta Kaz simultaneously pulls on the moth-bitten coat of Dirtyhands he’s kept way back in the wardrobe of his brain, the ruthless killer, Bastard of the Barrel, Dregs lieutenant and future gang boss unless he gets murdered first. And it didn’t stick the first time. Pulls it over whoever it is that he was before. Over the doll beside Kirigan.

Over that person in the corner, that cornered boy, brittle and alone and stripped of armour and weapon and self, and Jesper wants to kill every single fucker in the Little Palace.

“Back home, you had a plan for everything,” he says instead. “I’m not assuming it’s a B or even a Z or a Q squared, but I know you. I know you’ve considered it. What do we do now your beloved long-lost friend’s shown up to help you steal the Sun Summoner?”

☼

Yesterday, Kerch accepted the terms of the Ravkan crown. Ex-crown. Dark fucking empire. Whatever. Test all children and send the Grisha to the Little Palace, conscript some people into the First Army—though what they still need an army for when they have the Fold is anyone’s guess—send food, booze, and, worst of all to the fastidious greedy Kerch, pay tribute without receiving anything at all in return. It was in the mouth of every paperboy on the streets, every mercher, every gang boss. By Ghezen how could we just surrender? they moaned, and Do you want to end like West Ravka? and Didn’t you see him? Kirigan’s going to crown himself king of everything. He’s unstoppable. And that boy next to him, the Sun—

Honestly? Jesper doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He’s paying fifty kruge just to sit on Inej’s bed for an hour and braid her hair. Ketterdam can burn to the sopping wet ground for all he cares. The world can rot. Like the Dregs did. Like everything Jesper cared for.

Inej, though, watched it.

“I had to see,” she’s whispering into Jesper’s ear, barely moving her miserable red-painted lips even though his hair should block out most lines of sight already. Inej’s smart, though, and desperate: if Jesper keeps returning to the Menagerie as nothing but a smitten small-time gangster with an incredibly vanilla hair fetish, he won’t catch attention. Tante Heleen will have fewer reasons to raise Inej’s rates. Jesper can barely pay for a visit a month as it is, and even those he allows himself mostly because he’s given up the hope of ever paying off her indenture unless he wins big.

“I snuck out yesterday. I had to see. Heleen got a new girl from Ravka six months ago, and she believes, too. Had a cheap pamphlet with her, last thing she had, of the new Saint. The illustrations… they looked just like Kaz.”

“Fu—” Inej elbows him. Jesper presses his lips into the braid over her ear. “Forget about Kaz Brekker. You’re the only one who matters now. He died, and you ended up here.”

She’s trapped in the Menagerie now because Kaz disappeared into the harbour like so many orphans before him; because he didn’t tell Jesper jack shit about Inej’s situation that might have helped him keep her safe in the Dregs; because he allowed senile Haskell who knows the names of all his five hundred thousand miniature boats and literally nothing else to stay in charge of the Dregs instead of killing him as soon as possible, which allowed Haskell to let the payments for Inej’s indenture lapse, which meant three months after Kaz just disappeared from his life Jesper got back to the Slat to find that Inej, too, had gone without a trace, and it was only luck and a pervert old Dreg that Jesper soon afterwards ‘accidentally’ shoved off a roof talking about the girls at the Menagerie that meant he found her again. Found her, only to realize he can’t help her at all.

Inej pulls Jesper’s ear back to her mouth. “I saw him, Jesper. I saw Kaz. Kaz is alive. He was there. I saw him.”

“You what?!” A sharp elbow darting out of her red sad nightgown that would have slipped right in-between his ribs if it was one of the knives she still mourns, and he’s not even given anything away. Heleen’s a hell bitch, but what use would she get out of random surprise?

“I saw Kaz. He’s the Sun Summoner. I was far away but—it was Kaz, standing next to General Kirigan, holding his hand, when the Merchant’s Council signed the terms of surrender. It was Kaz. I’m certain. Sankt Kaz.”

“I—” Jesper burrows his face into Inej’s hair. “You didn’t happen to have a knife on you, did you? A really tiny one she couldn’t confiscate. A super lethal one. Might never get as good a chance again.”

“Jes—”

“Fuck him sideways with a rusty shovel. That traitor. Did you forget how you ended up here? He left us. Saw a bigger pile of cash and skedaddled, I bet. He always wanted to be king. Guess becoming the Darkling’s queen was the next-best option.”

Inej doesn’t even defend Kaz. Jesper pulls away from her so he can look at her face. She always looks sad these days, unless she has specific painful orders to perk up, but it’s deeper now. She’s not doing the gesture, not holding her hand against her chest. Faith, now, is just one more thing Kaz Brekker took from her. Jesper can’t blame her, even though he never believed. Not even when Ravka’s new ‘Sun Summoner’ started gaining them the whole continent. Power’s power, though, no matter whether the stories around it are true. If Kaz truly is the Sun Summoner, then it’s not just Kaz Brekker who sent her back to the Menagerie—but one of her Saints. Fucking asshole.

He buries Inej in his arms. It’s all he can do now, to hold her until this month’s hour is up, because it’s not like he can just murder the Ravkans special weapon in retribution, can he? Can…

“This changes nothing,” he whispers. “The only priority is still paying off your indenture. Kaz quit the Dregs. He left us, and that means he’s nothing now. Less than nothing. I have a good feeling about the Makker’s Wheel at the Emerald Palace this weekend. Lots of pigeons there for the ‘Fete of Unity with Mother Ravka’ or whatever, and the minder thinks I’m hot. It’s risky, of course, but if I do this right—”

☼

Jesper’s just about to crawl right back out from under the bed—weapons raised, since hell knows what Kaz was planning back there, and fuck Jesper for apparently still harbouring enough trust in the guy to follow his lead two years after he deserted—but then, a series of clicks and rumbles heralds the opening of the door. Footsteps, and it slides shut again.

Shit, that was close.

And Kaz wasn’t bluffing, after all. Well, well… it certainly means something that Kaz, beloved Saint and Sun Summoner and ally to the Darkling, just told his attempted murderer slash old friend and-or stooge to hide. Kaz never did anything without a motive, be it profit or power or vengeance, and even this degraded, polished version surely isn’t so far gone as to engage in ideas as base as altruism. Ergo, Kaz will want to use Jesper for—something, though what is there he wants when he’s basically a prince of—but he isn’t, is he? He’s in a cell. A cell Jesper can unlock.

Three pairs of footsteps move around the room. One of them might be Kaz, but without his limp, it’s hard to recognize him. None of them says a word, which… it probably means this is a routine visit. Whatever’s going on, they all know their role.

Two pairs stop moving, while the third one—circles around them, it sounds like, and then someone else stumbles a little and catches themselves. Jesper hopes they’ll hurry up. He’s in mortal danger, technically—Kaz can still choose to reveal the intruder inside the Sun Summoner’s private room and-orprison, but, prison. Jesper’s far more useful alive, and so, hiding under the bed is fucking boring.

There’s not even anything interesting in-between the slat frame and the mattress. It’s the only place where you could hide anything—that Jesper can think of, at least, but there’s just nothing there at all, and Kaz used to be a real magpie. It’s a gaping void, just like everything else in this room. Like everything else in this palace, a chasm painted over with gilt and power. Unless—something’s stuck to the underside of a cross brace. Jesper slides a fingernail under the edge, and it comes loose easily enough. Not exactly a cache worthy of Dirtyhands, and anyway, it’s just a… a mangled piece of paper. A paper that looks like it’s been chewed on and spat out—and an entire corner actually torn off, or bitten, maybe—and whatever used to be printed onto it mostly rubbed off except for a couple of letters here and there, RAV. Curved lines and tiny hats. What would Kaz need to hide in his room? Apart from weapons he doesn’t have. Other people’s jewellery, dito. The only thing that Jesper knows about him now is that he’s trying to open the door. Trying to leave. It’s probably a map, then.

Which means an escape is planned, and Jesper’s just providing the desperately sought means. Good. That means he should have even more leverage here.

Somebody stumbles again, this time taking two steps to catch themselves. Almost as if they’ve jerked away.

“You’re falling behind,” slimes the smooth, rich voice of the Darkling. “On second thought, our people would miss you at the celebration. I’ll inform the staff that you wish to dance, all night long.”

☼

“You’re hanging around here because you heard that General Kirigan and the Sun Summoner are due back this hour, aren’t you?” The woman in a tidemaker’s kefta that just sidled up to Jesper speaks unaccented, high class central Ravkan. Even if her dark skin is an indication of Zemeni heritage, she came to the Little Palace long before the Darkling’s recent territorial acquisitions. She’s no ally, just like the rest of the crowd that surrounds them: an old-school Grisha, veteran Second Army, not someone whose loyalties may yet be pliable. Not someone like Jesper, whose skin started crawling the moment he showed his skills to a Ravkan occupation officer so he could sneak into the Little Palace. She’s friendly, though, and looks at Jesper’s face with clear appreciation. “You must be new. Hi. I’m Nadia.”

“Jesper,” he says, throwing a flirtatious grin like a blanket over his nerves and anger. It’s almost fun, playing the suave infiltrator assassin Grisha. Except Inej’s still in the Menagerie. And Kaz is still a piece of shit. “Yeah, I just got here! They didn’t test for Grisha ability in Novyi Zem when I was little, so I barely knew who I was… but once I heard about the Darkling, about this place, I crossed the True Sea as soon as I could!”

“That must have been so hard. So lonely. This place is…” She grimaces. “This place was our sanctuary. You’re lucky you’re Materialnik.”

“Why?” It’s the first time since his arrival that anyone’s had even a neutral opinion of Durasts, let alone good, and granted, it’s not like he cares that much about the ability his Ma died from, and he’s only talked to a dozen people since arriving yesterday, but…

“Listen, I know you want to see the Sun Summoner, and don’t tell anyone I said this but…” Nadia pulls Jesper a few paces away from the crowd on the training grounds, into a corner formed by two enormous bales of hay. Well-chosen: he can barely see the crowd that just surrounded them peek out behind the yellow stalks. “You’re sweet—”

“Listen, you’re gorgeous, but we just met—although, on second—”

“No!” She laughs, but it’s bitter. “You’re cute, but no. It’s my duty, to her, to protect you. The new ones. You’re Materialnik, so you’re not combat, so you’re not going to actually meet the Sun Summoner. Ever, if you’re lucky.”

“He’s that bad?” Kaz was always a dick, if Jesper’s honest—it was part of his charm—he was just a charming magnetic one, and back with the Dregs Jesper hated his ruthlessness just as much as he admired it. He was worst to his fellow Dregs and his enemies, though: he could charm a mark when needed. So it’s a tad unexpected that Kaz earned himself the hatred of a Grisha indoctrinated from childhood to see him as her Saint and saviour. Apparently, he’s just that talented. That obnoxious.

Well, Jesper’s not complaining. That makes his plan much easier.

“He killed my best friend,” Nadia whispers urgently. “The last time I saw her they were taking a walk, and then I found her, blisters and burns all over her body. Who else? There’s a reason he’s not allowed to have weapons. I heard the Darkling doesn’t let him go anywhere alone, or he would murder us all. He killed Baghra too, I’m sure—she was our teacher, but she disappeared two years ago. Just stay away from him, alright? He looks harmless, but he’s a rabid dog. Oh. There he comes.”

Jesper barely manages to whisper, “Thank you,” before she pulls away from him and returns to her previous place. Back to the crowd of Etherealki and Corporalki on the training field, but she finds her place in the last row, standing—hiding—behind two men much taller than her.

Jesper follows into the crowd. No need to alert Kaz that the past is hot on his heels, and then—

Well. There he is.

There someoneis, anyway.

If Jesper trusted Inej just a hair’s breadth less, he’d have cursed her and sneaked back out of the Little Palace the second he sees the person holding General Kirigan’s hand. Sure, the Sun Summoner is male, with dark brown hair and dark eyes and pale skin, and just a little bit taller than Kaz was at fifteen, but that’s where the similarities end. Dirtyhands had his impeccable mercher’s suits in a grim mockery of Ketterdam’s upper class, and gloves to feed the rumours, and a cane to walk and kill. His hair managed to be at once floppy and severe; just like his gaunt face, in the right light, made him look utterly captivating and not just like an annoyed scheming rat. He looked exactly like the Bastard of the Barrel should. Not pleasant or easy, but the person Jesper once would have followed into any lion’s den.

This—this Sun Summoner, on Kirigan’s arm, is beautiful. Healthful. Pristine.

Barely even a fucking person.

It’s the face, mostly.

You could never tell what Kaz was thinking, just looking at him, because he was, after all, thinking in layers upon layers of incomprehensible schemes at all times of the day and then went to bed and dreamt about ploys and deceptions. Jesper could barely follow him the three times total he deigned to explain part of his plans. But you could always tell that Kaz was thinking. Planning, scheming, plotting his greedy bloody vicious way out of and into every possible house on every possible street.

The Sun Summoner looks empty. He’s staring straight ahead, but he’s not even doing thatwith any kind of purpose. He’s like a pet on the Darkling’s arm. He looks more airheaded than all blackout drunk heirs and heiresses in Ketterdam combined.

It’s incredibly eerie, because now he’s searching for it Jesper can sort of read Kaz Brekker back into the Sun Summoner’s face. This face is much smoother, without the marks of past firepox, plumped and rosy-tinted, but that might partially just be a testament to the quality of Ravkan cooks—or, how skint the Dregs always were. He has a normal haircut. It probably suits him better, unless your standard for beauty is Dirtyhands, and unfortunately Jesper—anyway. The Sun Summoner doesn’t have a cane, either, and he doesn’t need one, apparently, because he isn’t limping. Ravkan royal healthcare, but honestly, Kaz could have pressed a Grisha healer into service back in Ketterdam only he always insisted—well, whatever. Fuck his words of wisdom. Fuck him. Fuck Kaz. Jesper shouldn’t even be remembering that snake.

Kaz Brekker betrayed Inej, left her to rot in the Menagerie, so whatever role he’s playing right now in whatever scheme this is—because it has to be a scheme that put Kaz into the yellow robe he’s in right now, so thin it’s translucent, and sleeveless too in the Ravkan winter. The Dregs tattoo on his arm is gone. Two Inferni are flanking him and the Darkling, their hands perpetually on fire just so Kaz can parade about in a robe no Menagerie slave would go outside in, but still, it’s Kaz. It’s definitely Kaz Brekker. Jesper can see it now.

Fuck him. He traded the Dregs for this. He abandoned them to Haskell’s mismanagement and let Inej go back to the Menagerie. He betrayed them all.

(Of course, Jesper abandoned Inej now too, and without a word, but—after that last catastrophic loss in the Emerald Palace, there’s a zero percent chance the Dime Lions wouldn’t have strung him up by his own entrails—or sold him into indenture, trying to make back at least a fraction of the fifty thousand kruge he owes—so really, he had no choice. It’s the next best thing, right? If he can’t help her anymore, at least he can kill the bastard that started all their troubles.)

Kaz just walks off, hand in the Darkling’s grasp, towards the Little Palace. Carelessly following the other man’s lead.

The old Kaz would have noticed Jesper.

☼

Footsteps and then, a series of clicks and pieces of wood and metal rubbing stones. The door. Kaz’s legs, taking steps backwards to the bed in a perfect, healthy gait. The rich soft creaking of the bed as he sinks down again, and in front of Jesper—the same two muscular, pale, bare, identical hairy calves. Like the legs of a statue, or one of those de Kappels he used to like, except the right leg is trembling finely. Barely noticeable if it wasn’t right in front of Jesper’s face. Those Ravkans maybe aren’t so crafty after all.

Then: nothing.

After what feels like an hour in which Jesper doesn’t dare move, even though the Darkling must have left already, a hand drops off the edge off the mattress. Middle and index finger erect, then crooking twice in quick succession. It takes a moment to connect. Jesper hasn’t seen those signals in such a—move, path clear. Yes. That’s what it was.

Jesper wriggles out from under the bed, annoyingly free of dust. Pristine. Empty, just like everything else.

“Didn’t think the Sun Summoner needed to use our secret code, boss,” he drawls up at Kaz from the floor. Kaz, with his barren black eyes and his new porcelain doll face, picking at the wide open collar of his yellow shirt.

“Never drop a tool you can still use,” Kaz says. A beat. “Didn’t think I was your boss anymore.”

“You aren’t.” Jesper turns his head away, looking at the spotless floor and the intricately painted walls from his low vantage point. Exquisite, imposing, empty: a Saint’s cage, as beautiful and terrible as Inej’s room in the Menagerie. The bare wall hiding the inaccessible door. “That guy really fucking hates you.”

Kaz doesn’t reply. Jesper turns his head back to watch him again, even though that won’t give him anything more: Kaz used to be willfully inscrutable even back in the Barrel, but after whatever Grisha surgery they did to him, there are only traces left of the real person trapped inside him. Dollface, Jesper thinks again. Who’d have expected they’d turn fucking Dirtyhands into a dollface?

It’s Kaz who turns away, fingers clawed into his neckline. His voice is rough, even if it’s a shadow of the damaged rasp that used to be him. “I thought about it sometimes, back then. The first time.”

Every fibre of Jesper’s being wants to interrupt with, What are you talking about? I don’t speak cryptic anymore. I’m out of practice. He should get off the floor, raise his guns, resume—but whatever it is, whether it’s some stupid new Grisha power, whether it’s zowa, or his memory of Kaz is just coming back, he doesn’t—

“It was like this. I was on my bed already, usually, when it grew hard—and I thought you would be up for not being on the bed, and there wasn’t much else in my room. I imagined watching you. I didn’t touch it. That was better.”

Uh. What.

“He probably knows I threw up after we—I tried to hide it. I thought I could manipulate him into seeing me as his partner, I thought I’d healed, that I’d practiced enough—but he just saw that I was still weak. He saw he could control me. But if he didn’t do it again because I threw up, I’m—”

He was right. Jesper would have stayed on the cold hard floor back then for him. Even now, Jesper would crawl around like a worm jerking off for the fucking asshole he got himself trapped in the Little Palace to murder, if that meant Kaz never had to—

Kaz pulls the neckline of his flimsy thin single ugly yellow shirt closed. The shirt that doesn’t protect him. The shirt he didn’t choose.

☼

Jesper’s imagined the Sun Summoner’s quarters, of course. Most of the Grisha in the Little Palace are wretched gossips—or Jesper’s been charming as many people into spilling as many secrets as possible to him so he can plan his attack, same difference—and anyway, he needs a backdrop for his imagined kill shots. It’s Kaz Brekker, after all. Dirtyhands. The ex-Bastard. You’d want to rehearse that death. Think of some witty one-liners.

Nadia said it was gorgeous inside, like a dollhouse. Lizaveta, who Jesper’s been told to shadow so he can learn how to become a proper Durast, insisted it’s totally empty. Grzegorz said there were live kittens inside, so the Sun Summoner could sate his lust for innocent blood, Sayyna thought there was a giant swimming pool, and a lovely naïve boy from the edge of the permafrost up at the former border insisted it was just like the quarters of all other Grisha, except with a little more privacy. Since they’re all siblings fighting for a world that will be kind to Grisha.

Jesper, privately, imagined a few stolen paintings and a mishmash of furniture. Because he’s an idiot.

This is just like—

If it is the Sun Summoner’s bedroom at all. It should be. Jesper did his homework: he followed the Darkling and his Sun Summoner creature that wears the skin used to house Kaz, and a variety of Materialniks, to the end of this specific corridor, five times in total. Watched the Materialniks unlock a hidden mechanism, and then the two most powerful men in Ravka—in all charted countries, ruling everything this side of the True Sea but pockets of Shu Han and even that’s a matter of time—they walked inside, hand in hand. The Darkling always left, after a while, alone, and so it only made sense to assume that the hidden room that Jesper just snuck up to and unlocked is, in fact, the Sun Summoner’s room. Kaz’ room. It’s the best time for breaking into it, too. There’s going to be a party in two days, so hopefully everyone’s too busy, and even if the Sun Summoner’s out doing preparations then Jesper can just hide in here and kill him in an ambush. That’s probably easier, actually.

First, though, he locks and hides the door again, because… yeah, he went to Ravka expecting to get caught. At some point. This is a suicide mission for revenge, after all—suicide is in in the title. But it’s no fun if he gets caught before the gory glorious revenge part. Before Kaz admits he was a piece of shit. Both guns cocked and ready, he turns around, and actually inspects the room he broke into.

No. Nothing changes, even when he blinks and blinks again. That wasn’t a faulty first impression.

The room still looks like a fucking prison cell.

A fancy, clean cell, but a cell nonetheless. It’s empty except for the bed, and Jesper owes Lizaveta more money than he has on him (though to be fair, technically, Jesper’s fifty thousand kruge in debt anyway, so does it really make a difference at all if he’s a few Ravkan coins more in the red), and even the windows—Jesper’s had enough training now that he can look at the windows and see the subtly reinforcing mesh inside the glass. No curtains. No curtain rods. Nothing—there’s a subtle mesh inside the bedclothes too and the frame of the bed looks far too sturdy to be torn apart by anyone who isn’t a skilled Materialnik. There are meshes in front of the fireplaces.

Nothing in here that can be used as a weapon.

Not against others, and not against oneself.

No escape.

There’s nothing in this stark white massive room but a person, acting like he never did before and still looking more like himself than when he was walking through the training grounds. It’s probably the distance from other people. He’s got his back to Jesper and he’s in the furthest corner from the door, which should be a tactical misstep because he can’t escape from there but really—it’s as good as any other location, in this room. There’s nothing of use to anyone left, not even to someone as shrewd as Dirtyhands used to be before he lobotomized himself into the Sun Summoner. Or before he was—

Kaz pushes himself up from his kneeling position using the walls he faces. He mutters, “I beg your forgiveness for keeping you waiting, Aleks.” His voice sounds odd.

“Are you crying?”

“Jesper?!”

Kaz turns so quickly he has to brace himself against the wall again lest he fall over. His translucent shirt ripples. His dark eyes in his weird new too-handsome face trace over Jesper, again and again. If they were fingers, Jesper would feel like he’s being caressed. No, that’s the wrong thought. A thought from a book he won’t admit he’s read. Jesper’s got his guns out. He came here for a reason. A bloody, glorious reason.

“Inej wouldn’t want me to do this, but she’s locked up in the fucking Menagerie,” he announces, just to see whether Kaz can feel even a shred of guilt. “Just so you could be a Ravkan prince in ugly yellow lingerie.”

“Just follow my—”

No, then. Or maybe it’s just the new face Jesper can’t read. Not that it matters. “Shut up. Do you remember what you told me when I joined the Dregs? About what you’d do to traitors? Well, I have added a couple of my own ideas.”

“Shut up, Jesper. You can monologue when we’re done, but—”

Jesper aims right between his weird, smooth pebble eyes. “When you left us, you knew it would all go to shit. Inej’s in the Menagerie, and there’s no way to get her out again. Haskell let the Dregs collapse after you disappeared. No Dregs, no kru—”

Kaz flinches. “Quick. Get under the bed. Now.”

Whether it’s surprise, a sex instinct, or—far worse—a lingering sense of loyalty, Jesper obeys instantly.

☼

“We’re lost,” Jesper moans. They’ve been surrounded by trees for four days. He’s not even sure they’re trudging vaguely southwards anymore. Everything looks the same. What wouldn’t Jesper give to be back in Ketterdam already, with its lovely street names and pedestrians and garish landmarks (and gangsters about to string him up), or at least somewhere in Novyi Zem where he sort of understands the landscape. Or what’s left of Shu Han, so Kaz can unclench.

“We’re not lost,” Kaz rasps. “Keep going.”

“How do you—the map.” The half-chewed-up map hidden under Kaz’ bed, the map he snuck into his coat—Jesper’s kefta, whatever—even though he probably already knows it by heart.

“Yes. The map.”

“Why the fuck are you telling me to choose where we’re going if you’re memorized the map?!” What an asshole. Jesper just clean forgot what a piece of shit Kaz is. He forgot it so utterly he’s helping him break out of Ravka, without even extracting anything in return. He’s a fucking idiot. “Is it so you can blame me when we get caught?”

Kaz, the dick, rolls his eyes. “Wouldn’t I rather not get caught at all? Think, Jesper—what’s the one advantage you have over me?”

“I’m prettier,” Jesper shoots back. “My winning personality. I have a better tolerance for hard liquor. Fashion sense. I’m funny. No, wait—I’m a much more generous lover.”

“He doesn’t know you,” Kaz hisses, making the pronoun sound even more slimy than the guy it’s referring to, which is honestly quite a feat. “Do you think this is my first attempt? He’ll send people to every single route out of his core territory that poses any advantages. He has enough soldiers for that. What he doesn’t have, though, is enough soldiers to watch every route your bird-brain might pick at random.”

And then, he stalks ahead viciously. No. Limps ahead.

It’s been growing much more pronounced over the days. At first, even without a cane he walked just like any person with two healthy legs, and that’s what Jesper expected. The Ravkans healed their Saint’s leg, didn’t they? That’s what they would do. Only Kaz can think around enough corners to make his bad leg into an advantage. But with every passing day, Kaz’ gait has grown closer to what Jesper remembers from back before the world went to shit. Kaz was touchy about accommodations back then, though, or people being nice in general, so Jesper hasn’t even brought up improvising a new cane. All he’s dared to do is slowing down his own steps to what he remembers would have matched Kaz, back then.

And insisting on taking breaks. Like he does now.

“It’s almost night, you refuse to make light despite being made of sunshine, and I’m hungry,” he complains.

“I’d assume that Ketterdam has made you soft,” Kaz rasps, “o cherished crown jewel of crime and commerce, and what’s the difference.” He limps back to the fallen tree that Jesper has chosen as their camp site, though, so he must be a just few steps short of utter collapse.

Jesper unwraps the two woollen blankets he’s been carrying on his shoulders. They didn’t get a chance to steal much, mostly because Kaz was a prick about it and didn’t even let Jesper go back to his room: apparently there was time for Kaz to fold up a paper bag into a facsimile of an envelope and write an address in Djerholm onto it and have Jesper talk a stable-hand into riding out to deliver it, right now, but no time to search anywhere else for supplies. They took just whatever they found in the stables, which amounted to extra coats, some boots, the blankets, and horse feed. And gloves. Kaz declared it was time to run as soon as he’d found gloves.

Balefully, Jesper chews on his oats. Even wrapped in his blanket, the night is cold, and Kaz—who’s still wearing nothing but underpants besides the robe/gloves/Jesper’s kefta/stolen coat combo and ill-fitting boots without socks—is shivering violently.

“We should steal you some real clothes from the next house we see,” Jesper mutters. “And some decent food.”

“We’re not stealing anything until we’re in Shu.”

They’ve had this argument before. Jesper shouldn’t be as thrilled about that as he is. There’s no way to resolve it, until they find the border—or until Kaz keels over from hypothermia, because then even his rational fear of detection won’t keep Jesper from finding some trousers. For the time being, though—

“I’m going to sit closer and steal your body heat. In exchange, you can wrap my blanket around your legs.”

Kaz glares. He can do it masterfully again: just like the limp snuck back as soon as he left the Little Palace, his face over the days grew thin and pockmarked. Vicious. Jesper’s commited it to memory, in case Oily, Tall and Dark steals it again.

“If you freeze to death tonight, this was all for nothing. I could be sleeping in a palace right now. Well, a dingy side house, with the other Materialniks, but joke’s on them. This whole escape would have been much more complicated if I’d been a Squaller. Or a Sun Summoner, who refuses to even use his power to warm us up.”

“Leave it.” Kaz runs a finger roughly over where his collarbone should be, and he shudders. The temperature, or something worse, some new pain he’s not revealing—but carefully, he leans his blanketed side against Jesper, and allows Jesper to throw his own blanket over him, too.

“I’ll make you a new cane tomorrow. With a head, too, if we can scavenge enough metal from the buttons. Not a crow. You haven’t earned that until we free Inej, but maybe… a worm.”

“That’s just a stick,” Kaz mutters. “Go to sleep.”

Easy for him to say: Kaz is taking the first watch, and so he’s not balancing on a fallen log in the cold without a blanket, trying to fall asleep sitting up while leaning against Kaz’ shoulder with as little contact surface as physically possible. After some hours or minutes, though, Jesper’s suffering is too much for even Kaz to handle. Who knew there was a limit! Who knew Kaz had heard of mercy! Maybe he just doesn’t like Jesper wriggling next to him. He fists a lock of Jesper’s curls and pulls his head down into his lap.

“I didn’t help you because I want to fuck you, just so you’re aware,” Jesper jokes, because this is actually—it’s actually almost comfortable curling up on the fallen tree with his head on the blanket on Kaz’ thighs, even though there’s the remnants of a branch digging into his hip and they’re on the run from all Grisha in the world and also the new, expanded Ravka that covers nearly every country on this continent and Inej’s still imprisoned and if they actually manage to get back to Ketterdam, Jesper’s going to be in so much shit. And still, it’s… “I mourned you, you know, when Haskell told me you’d died. I wasn’t just angry because the Dregs were a shambles without you.”

Kaz is quiet. Jesper sort of wishes he’d touch his hair again, or his shoulder—and he never seemed to have any trouble touching the Darkling, so what, is Jesper not good enough—but he also looked like a void back there, like in order to endure it maybe he had to smother—

“That’s not why I mentioned that fantasy back there,” says Kaz, lyingly. Sure. He just happened to invoke Jesper’s obvious past crush for no reason whatsoever. The awfully convenient infatuation Jesper didn’t have sense nor skill to hide back then. Kaz is exactly the kind of person who’d exploit someone’s first love. The person who’s realize, long before Jesper did, that maybe, he’s not actually completely over—but maybe that wasn’t the important bit then. It went on. And that story about the Darkling—

“You thought I’d help you out of pity?” Jesper would have done, if he hadn’t been so angry—if he hadn’t been already so freaked out by the placid expression, the clothes that looked expressly designed to torture the Kaz he knew, the cell… It wasn’t pity. What is it you feel when a person you knew—maybe not his secrets or his past or his thoughts or what trouble he just dragged you into because he’s a secretive dick, but still, you knew him, it was burned into your heart, his movements and the codes he taught you and just when a heist was about to trigger one of his fears he’d never mentioned and you needed to get him out now… What do you feel, when that person comes back from the dead, and comes back wrong. Like a stag with too many tongues inside its mouths and its hands locked behind its throat. Except the other way round, because Kaz Brekker was terrifying, and what he was made into or what pretended to be was only scary because it wasn’t. Anyway. Kaz is a manipulative commandeering asshole again, so it doesn’t matter. “You despise pity.”

“It’s a tool, just like everything else. One he couldn’t take. And pride just gave me—pity got me out of the Little Palace, didn’t it?”

“Something did.” Jesper tips his non-existent hat, and Kaz slaps the top of his head to make him stop wriggling. He keeps the hand there this time, knotted tight in Jesper’s hair. It stings, but it’s also… Jesper closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep before inevitably, it’ll leave.

“Pride. It was my fault.” Kaz’ voice almost sounds the way it did back home. Harsh, vicious—and damaged. Human. “I thought I could bear it. He was—the Sun Summoner could have no weaknesses, he said, nothing for our enemies to use, and I allowed myself to think… ‘our’ enemies. I practiced. It was easier, after a while, to bear touch. I thought—it seemed like the best option, to stand at his side, and to make him see me as his partner I should… I was tired of being a prisoner. I thought I could use him.”

That’s bad enough, but… “But you’re limping again,” Jesper hisses. “If he’s forming you like a clay doll to make you his perfect Sun Summoner, he should have started with healing you.”

“They did, when I first came to the Palace. I didn’t want—but I learned to accept it. After my first escape, he broke it again, personally. Had it tailored over, afterwards, every few days. Incentive for cooperation.”

There’s nothing Jesper can do to fix this stagnant, lifeless voice. He could hug Inej, at least, but this—

“It’s what I would have done, too. He was just better than me, and he didn’t need another one, so he had to change me.”

“By dressing you up and making you look like a doll. If you tell me it was a sex thing, at least I could—no, still couldn’t relate. His taste’s shit. That beauty was pretty ugly,” Jesper mutters into Kaz’ thighs.

Kaz pulls at his hair again—probably a rebuke, but the sting travels down Jesper’s spine to—well, it’s time to change the subject rather quickly. What’s there to… oh yeah, his head’s on a blanket. That’ll do. “I just had a great idea,” he says, and—yeah, his voice is still completely normal and steady. A little loud, maybe. Kaz hasn’t moved his hand away, though, so it can’t be too obvious.

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Fuck off, my bright idea of breaking into the centre of Grishadom to kill you in a murder-suicide attack because what else was I going to do, let the Dime Lions grind me between millstones to press out the fifty thousand kruge I may perhaps still owe them—”

“You what?!”

Jesper powers on, because that’s really a conversation best left for when he’s not lying in a forest with his head in Kaz’ lap and trying to forget, desperately, the way it felt when Kaz pulled his hair. The way it feels when he does it again. “I’m just saying, it saved you. You’re welcome. So anyway. We only have one pair of trousers. I was going to suggest we alternate wearing mine, but we both know I wouldn’t get them back.”

“Your so-called idea is… interesting,” Kaz mutters, voice almost pulled asunder trying for both disturbed and mocking. “But I’m far more interested to hear about the fact you skipped out of Ketterdam without paying your debts. A crime punishable by death in every gang. Every gang in Ketterdam, the city where you want us to go.”

And yeah, that’s occurred to Jesper, but… “That’s a problem for later. You’ll think of something, boss, if we make it that far. You always have a plan. For now… I wouldn’t—well, I would carry you if your legs freeze off, but it wouldn’t be fun for either of us, so… You sewed yourself up constantly back home, and I’d wager sewing is just like swimming. Once you know, you can never forget.”

“Skills are useless if you lack every materia—Jes—”

“Yeah, I definitely can turn a button into a needle now. We just need to tear the second blanket into some vaguely trouser-shaped pieces, and for thread—well, we could just tear up your Sun Summoner robe, it’s useless anyway.”

“Jesper,” Kaz rasps again.

“I’m a genius?”

“No, you’re still an idiot. Why not, though?”

☼

Kaz Brekker disappeared between Sunday and Tuesday night. That’s all Jesper knows, and it’s that precise only because Kaz has been experimenting with the payroll recently. Apparently, handing out wages on late Tuesday maximizes the chances of flushing as much money as possible back into the coffers of Dregs-owned establishments, and he’s also taken to handing out the money personally. Some weird power play that Haskell hasn’t yet forbidden: everyone knows Kaz barely bothers to keep his accomplices informed about the job they’re currently doing, and the big boss tolerates him mostly because Dirtyhands is still more useful insubordinate than dead.

It’s Wednesday now, though. Wednesday afternoon.

And Jesper still hasn’t gotten paid.

Kaz is gone.

Jesper’s in Haskell’s office, inquiring about everyone’s money. Too irritated by the games of Makker’s Wheel he was forced to miss out on last night to perform anything but the most pro forma I remember my boss’ boss is technically my boss and can kill me pleasantries. Instead of promising to kick Kaz’ ass, though, like Jesper hoped, Haskell just tells him Pasko will give him his wages tomorrow.

Haskell won’t say anything else. Just, “That boy got himself mixed up in something he couldn’t handle alone, and it fucked him. You won’t like what you find, when you go looking for the dead.”

#jesper fahey #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kaz x jesper #I'm free! well sort of I have an idea for a coda in which jesper roleplays the darkling so.......#dimtraces makes things #shadow & bone #shadow and bone

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x-fern-weh-x · 3 years

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my favorite grishaverse quotes - part three: nikolai duology

"Zoya of the lost city. Zoya of the garden. Zoya bleeding in the snow. You are strong enough to survive the fall." (King of Scars)

"This is what love does. In the stories, love healed your wounds, fixed what was broken, allowed you to go on. But love wasn’t a spell, some kind of benediction to be whispered, a balm or a cure-all. It was a single, fragile thread, which grew stronger through connection, through shared hardship and trust." (Rule of Wolves)

"Most of us can hide our greatest hurts and longings. It’s how we survive each day. We pretend the pain isn’t there, that we are made of scars instead of wounds." (King of Scars)

"'Get a message to the Crow Club,' she said. 'Tell Kaz Brekker the queen of Ravka has a job for him.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Do that thing you do where you use too many words to say something simple and confuse the issue." (King of Scars)

"'I’m not supposed to let you in,' Jesper said. Brekker seemed unperturbed. 'Why not?' 'Because every time I do, you ask me to break the law.' A voice from behind Jesper said, 'The problem isn’t that he asks, it’s that you always say yes.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'Say something spiteful.' "'Why?' she asked faintly. "'Because I’m fairly certain I'm hallucinating and in my dreams you're much nicer.'" (King of Scars)

"Because I am greedy for the sight of you. Because the prospect of facing this war, this loss, without you fills me with fear. Because I find I don’t want to fight for a future if I can’t find a way to make a future with you." (Rule of Wolves)

"It's not exciting if nothing can go wrong." (King of Scars)

"I would choose you, Zoya. As my general, as my friend, as my bride. I would give you a sapphire the size of an acorn. And all I would ask in return is that you wear this damnable ribbon in your hair on our wedding day." (Rule of Wolves)

"Everyone mourns the first blossom. Who will grieve the rest who fall?" (King of Scars)

"'I have to bathe. I smell like a forest fire.' 'You smell like wildflowers. You always do. What can I say to make you stay?' His words trailed off into a drowsy mumble as he fell back asleep. 'Tell me it’s more than war and worry that makes you speak those words. Tell me what they would mean if you weren’t a king and I weren’t a soldier.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Remember who you are. Nikolai knew. He was a king who had only begun to make mistakes. He was a solider for whom the war would never be over. He was a bastard left alone in the woods. And he was not afraid to die this day." (King of Scars)

"Maybe the gift of being human is that we do not give up- even when all hope is lost." (Rule of Wolves)

"They would build a new world together. But first they had to burn the old one down." (King of Scars)

"The world might crumble, but Nikolai Lantsov would be holding up the ceiling with one hand and plucking a speck of dirt from his lapel with the other when it all went to ruin." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Yuri Veneden, if you upset my wife again, I will kill you where you stand.' The monk swallowed. 'Yes, moi soverenyi.' 'Oh, David,' Genya said, taking his hand. 'You've never theatened to murder anyone for me before.'" (King of Scars)

"Go home and tell them what you've seen, Nikolai thought as the demon soared through the night. Make them believe you. Tell them the demon king rules Ravka now and vengeance is coming." (Rule of Wolves)

"She wished she had Inej’s gift for spywork or Kaz’s gift for scheming, but she only seemed to have Jesper’s gift for bad decisions." (King of Scars)

"Let the hounds give chase. I do not fear death, because I command it." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Will you be taking up juggling as well?' 'Don't be ridiculous,' Nikolai replied. 'I already know how to juggle. Literally and figuratively.'" (King of Scars)

"'This is a bad idea,' moped Adrik. 'I have a surplus of bad ideas,' said Nikolai. 'I have to spend them somewhere.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"He would not find another excuse to get her talking again. He would not tell her he was afraid to be left alone with the thing he might become, and he would not ask her to leave the lamp burning, a child's bit of magic to ward off the dark. But he was relieved when she did it anyway.” (King of Scars)

"The Darkling's gray eyes studied Mal with more interest than he'd ever shown before. 'I understand we're blood related.' Mal shrugged. 'We all have relatives we don't like.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Zoya's company was like strong drink. Bracing--and best to abstain if you couldn't handle the kick.” (King of Scars)

"'Don't get ahead of yourself,' Zoya said. 'Nikolai hasn't asked.' 'Can you blame him?' Genya said. 'He hasn't had much luck with proposals.' Alina snorted. 'Maybe he should have offered me a dynasty and not a piddly little emerald.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'Hand me that brandy,' said Zoya. 'I can’t tolerate this degree of stupidity on a clear head.'" (King of Scars)

"'Is it the shadow inside you that makes you brave?' 'I should hope not. I was making bad decisions long before that thing showed up.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'That squash is as wide as I am tall,' Nikolai said beneath his breath as he smiled and waved. 'And twice as handsome.' 'Half as handsome,' he protested. 'Ah,' said Zoya, 'but the squash doesn't talk.'" (King of Scars)

"I'll tell you a thousand stories, my love. We'll write the new endings, one by one." (Rule of Wolves)

"After all this time, she still had not found an end to her grief. It was a dark well, an echoing place into which she’d once cast a stone, sure that it would strike bottom and she would stop hurting. Instead, it just kept falling. She forgot about the stone, forgot about the well, sometimes for days or even weeks at a time. Then she would think Liliyana’s name, or her eye would pause on the little boat painted on her bedroom wall, its two-starred flag frozen in the wind. She’d sit down to write a letter and realize she had no one to write to, and the quiet that surrounded her became the silence of the well, of the stone still falling." (King of Scars)

"I would make you my queen because I want you. I want you all the time." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Eat, Your Highness.' 'Everything tastes like doom,' he whispered. 'Then add salt.'" (King of Scars)

"Ravka made me a soldier. Ketterdam made me a spy. Hanne can help me become something else entirely." (King of Scars)

"'You do realize you just referred to yourself as the queen. That means you agreed.' 'I am going to kill you.' 'So long as you kiss me again before you do.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'I'm fairly sure you're trying to frighten me,' said Nikolai, reaching out a finger to touch the tip of the thorn. 'I'm not sure why, but may I suggest a spider wearing a suit?' 'Why a suit?' asked Zoya, frowning. 'Why not just a spider?' 'Where did he get the suit? How did he fasten the buttons? Why does he feel the need to dress for the occasion?'" (King of Scars)

"'Your heart is in your eyes, Your Highness,' murmured Tamar, wiping the sweat from her brow. Tolya poled his twin in the arm with a sparring sword. 'Tamar knows because that's the way she looks at her wife' 'I am free to look at my wife any way I please.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"In Nikolai's experience, honesty was much like herbal tea - something well-meaning people recommended when they were out of better options." (King of Scars)

"We would go on, you and I. If I couldn't be queen, you would find a way to win this battle and save this country. You would make a sheltering place for my people. You would march an bleed and crack terrible jokes until you had done all you said you would. I suppose that's why I love you." (Rule of Wolves)

"'I think fatigue suits you, Zoya. The pallor. The shadows beneath your eyes. You look like a heroine in a novel.' 'I look like a woman about to step on your foot.' 'Now, now. You're managing remarkably well. And the smiling hasn't killed you yet.' 'Yet.'" (King of Scars)

"'Why does it matter?' asked Nikolai. 'Because unlike Kaz, I have a conscience.' 'I have a conscience,' said Kaz. 'It just knows when to keep its mouth shut.' Jesper snorted. 'If you have a conscience, it’s gagged and tied to a chair somewhere.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"So you know the best way to find Grisha who don't want to be found? Look for miracles and listen to bedtime stories." (King of Scars)

"'Of course it won’t last,' said Zoya. 'What does?' 'True love?' suggested Tamar. 'Great art?' said Tolya. 'A proper grudge,' replied Zoya" (Rule of Wolves)

#grishaverse #king of scars #rule of wolves #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #nina zenik #genya safin #hanne brum

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anonniemousefics · 4 years

Text

My Dearest Inej | Chapter Twenty

Chapter Masterlist

Originally posted on AO3

Rating: Teen And Up

Synopsis: A series of letters kept among the personal belongings of Captain Inej Ghafa.

Dear Inej,

Thank you for always being so nice to me even if I didn’t do much to deserve it. Thank you especially for the nice, warm clothes and the good soup. My Aunt Millie makes good soup, too, but it’s not as good as yours. But that’s okay. I think I’m going to like Leflin anyway.

Thank you for all you’ve done for kids like me. I think there are lots of us who would try harder to do the right thing if there were more people like you.

I hope Mr. Brekker feels better soon.

Love,

Artie

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(Marked at the top: “Jesper: Please read to Wylan”)

Dear Wylan,

I’ve had some time to think and look back on the events of the last month or so, and I began to feel like something was strangely out of balance. It took awhile to recognize what it was – perhaps someone a little kinder might have realized it sooner. It was this: you have not been given enough credit.

Don’t let Jesper not read this bit to you. His ego can handle a few minutes on the sidelines. Wylan, I think it might have actually been you who saved my life.

I’ve heard every angle, and I’ve pieced together the whole scenario. I’ve well-aware that it was a collaborative effort to haul me out of Ketterdam for treatment. But it was you who was stuck with the perhaps insurmountable task of keeping me sane.

(And Ambroos, too. Let’s be honest: he did most of the work.)

So, I thought you should know that I saw it and I won’t forget it. I won’t forget that when I was half-awake and confused and disoriented, it was you who kept reminding me where we were. I won’t forget that when none of my limbs were working quite right, you were the one assuming the unfortunate responsibility of helping me drink. You were the one walking the ward with me. You were the one playing along with endless card tricks. You were the one trying to get me to laugh when the aggravation and the frustration started to swallow me whole.

You’re a good man, Wylan Van Eck, and an even better friend. One of the best. You have been fearless and determined and self-sacrificing, and for all that and more, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Sincerely,

K. Brekker

(an addition at the bottom)

No. Still too sentimental. DISCARD.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

(in the folder marked: “Nina”)

Dear Nina,

I’m writing you today from outside a little café in Shriftport, and I’m realizing I had the opportunity to give you all of my letters and I FORGOT. Honestly, how are we so bad at this? Of course, we were all a little preoccupied, what with the jailbreak and the escape and the chaos of locating Artie while outrunning Stadwatch, and then gorging ourselves on inordinate amounts of award-winning cake. BUT STILL. I hate to think you might be thinking that I’m not writing you. I am writing you everything.

Now that we are in Shriftport, I’ve paid to have The Wraith dry-docked for maintenance for the next couple of months, and the crew has been given pay and leave to explore Novyi Zem to their hearts’ content. Kaz and I are about to embark on the same; although, we’ve been saying this for about three days now and haven’t made it out of the city limits. There’s just a lot of sleeping and eating to be done first. I think all the excitement finally caught up to us, and, Nina, I am exhausted. And because of that, there’s not been much of a plan formed, but for once, I think that’s okay. And I think Kaz agrees. We know it may be a couple months until all the buzz dies down in Ketterdam and it’s safe to dock again. Not much to do until then.

Right now, we are taking each day as it comes. He is alive and recovering, and that is all that I need for now. We’ve been staying in a little room at an inn that overlooks the port. Whenever I fall asleep, it’s to the sound of the gentle tides and far off seagulls. And Kaz’s heartbeat. I haven’t quite shaken what it was like to count them in the dark and worry that each one could be the last. I suppose, as with all things, that fear will pass with time. (And, if I’ve I started to get too worried, at least he still grinds his teeth.)

So, for now, I’m going to eat my weight in sweet rolls. We’re going to take some long, slow walks through town. I’m going to hold his hand, and I’m going to imagine we have all the time in the world. I’m going to make the most of what we do have.

As I will with you, darling Nina, when you’re back in Ketterdam again.

All my love,

Inej

---------------------------------------------------------------

My darling Kaz, treasure of my heart,

Will you still write me letters sometimes? I’m starting to miss them.

Love,

Inej

-------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest, weirdest Inej,

I am literally two feet next to you.

- Kaz

----------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest and nearest Kaz,

But I miss them. You have a way with words on paper that I hold very dear. At least write to me what you’re thinking right now.

Love,

Inej

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My captain, my queen, my Saint,

Whatever you require. I am yours to command.

I am thinking of Ambroos, and how I wish I could write him a letter. I’m also thinking we ought to find a shadier spot on this beach, unless you’d like to see me fry.

Signed,

The very pale fellow on your left

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest pale fellow,

How about now? Are you still thinking of Ambroos now?

Yours,

Inej

(in Kaz’s handwriting)

No.

(in Inej’s handwriting)

Tell me what you are thinking now.

No. Write it down.

Write it down so I can read it again when this is over.

My dearest Inej,

So, you require a bit of prose for posterity. You want to remember this day, this moment, and I can’t fault you for that. It’s a nearly perfect one. For you, I will attempt to make it memorable.

What am I thinking right now, you’ve asked? Surprisingly, not much. It’s a welcome reprieve, believe me. At present, I am taken by the sea breeze in your hair. I’m mad for how it spreads out around you when you’re in the sand. I’m thinking about wrapping my fingers in it, maybe tugging it while I kiss you, but I’m also thinking there are quite a few people around, and maybe you wouldn’t like that so much. Maybe later.

I am thinking about what you’ve written here – about wanting something to read when this is over, and I think I haven’t made myself clear. I intend to make this a habit, Inej, as long as you will. Facing down death always does have a way of clarifying things. I know you have the same sense of duty to the sea as I feel toward Ketterdam, but that hardly means this is something we should only do once. Don’t you agree? Isn’t that what you what you wrote to me of, that long night in the warehouse district – a chance to try to rethink the life we’re each leading?

I don’t really know what I’m proposing, if I’m being honest. More, I suppose? That sounds about right. That sounds like me. More of you. More of us. Whatever that looks like. More of me at sea? More of you in Ketterdam? Some complicated combination of both? Logistical nightmares don’t scare me; you should know that by now. If there is a deal to strike here, then I’m open for negotiation.

Though if we’re really shedding the armor, Inej, I’ll put all my cards on the table. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Just you. Just this.

So, name your terms. My heart is already yours. It has always been yours.

Kaz

(in Inej’s handwriting)

Prepare yourself. I’m about to kiss you in front of all these people.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(accompanying a small bouquet of dried geraniums)

Good morning, Mrs. Brekker,

I stepped out to hunt down an acceptable breakfast. Don’t get up. I’ll be back with sweet rolls in 10 minutes.

And, for gods' sake, don't get dressed.

Yours,

Kaz

THE END

#six of crows #soc #crooked kingdom #grishaverse #leigh bardugo #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #nina zenik #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #dregs #ketterdam #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #kaz x inej #kanej #kanej fanfic #kanej fanfiction #fanfiction #soc fanfic

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justalittlelitnerd · 6 years

Text

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

"No mourners. No funerals."

God I don’t even know where to begin with this book. I guess I’ll begin with being honest: I fully expected to not like this book. In fact going into it I wasn’t even convinced I would finish it. I can’t really explain to you why that is since I didn’t really know what it was about. I think it was because of how often I saw people post about it.

Now obviously I don’t have anything against fandoms because I love (most) fandoms and think they are great and I love being a part of them, but something about fandoms for books instills a sense of caution in me. So I approached this book with the kind of hesitation usually reserved for approaching strange animals that may or may not bite you before running away.

But eventually (obviously) I gave in partly because with each post my patience wore away a little more and partly because enough people who’s bookish opinions I’ve grown to trust recommended it to me, but mostly because a copy was readily available at my library and when I saw it I thought what the heck.

I have never been so happy to have been so wrong. I am only disappointed that my own stubborn nature stopped me from reading this book long ago. Don’t be like me. Don’t be a fool. Please go read this book and enjoy all that Bardugo has to bestow.

Now that the truth is out, I’m still not sure where to begin.

Do I start with the fact that so much happened in the course of the story, but also not enough? So I’m left in that limbo of wanting more, but not wanting the story to end (I know I’m not the only one who draws out reading a series because the thought of closing the door on that world (at least canonically) even if it’s temporary while waiting for the next book is excruciating). I want to live in that space where there are so many possibilities and every one is alive. But I also crave more which is why I immediately went to Tumblr to look at Six of Crow posts after I finished the novel.

“I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath." - Matthias (pls don’t tell me what I already (possibly) know/fear)

Or do I start with the world that Bardugo has so precisely created? A world that is somehow at once familiar and unfamiliar. Every moment I thought I had a grasp on the word that these characters inhabit Bardugo would remind me that it is not my world, but something a little different, a little better, a little worse. It’s a world that I wanted to recognize my own in but at the same time I wanted it to be vastly different because I read to escape the world we live in. I wouldn’t say that it is a magical world, but it has a little magic in it and that balance is hard to strike, but Bardugo does so skillfully and without hesitation.

“For a second Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in this world." - Kaz

Really I want to start with the characters, but if I did that I would never talk about anything else. The book describes them as “a gambler, a convict, a wayward son, a lost Grisha, a Suli girl who had become a killer, a boy from the Barrel who had become something worse,” but they are so much more than that.

Kaz, the tough (supposedly badass) leader of a raucous band of hooligans but is really just a scared, traumatized little boy who’s in love with a girl but just can’t even.

“The old answers came easily to mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie’s voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. You, Inej. You.” - Kaz

“He needed to tell her...what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn't pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her. That without meaning to, he'd begun to lean on her, to look for her, to need her near. He needed to thank her for his new hat.”

Jesper, my dear, sweet, not so innocent but all too cute, Jesper. Jesper is amazing simply because he is a cinnamon roll wrapped in an enigma. He so easily could’ve been placed simply for comedic effect, but Bardugo let’s him be so much more. He is college educated (a fact that sometimes falls to the wayside) and a gunslinger with a penchant for gambling, a knack for losing, and a weakness for naive boys names Wylan.

"Stop being dense. You're cuter when you're smart." - Jesper

“Maybe I liked your stupid face” - Jesper to Wylan

Wylan, my poor bby, if I could choose any of the characters to just wrap up in my arms for a quick cuddle it would be Wylan. I feel like the poor boy needs it considering he was only really brought along as a hostage and really so he could be Jesper’s love interest (because how unfair would it be if Jesper didn’t have a love interest). I don’t know if I have ever met a character that is so smart yet sweetly dumb and I don’t know if I would ever want to meet another because no one can pull it off like Wylan can.

“Who’s Mark?” - Wylan proving he doesn’t know anything about being bad

Nina and Matthias, the enemies turned friends turned something more turned enemies and so on. They deserve individual comments, but this post is getting long and they were my least favorite of the 6 and therefore get the short end of the stick. Also it’s hard to discuss one without discussing the other because they are so wrapped up in each other from long before I entered their world. I both love and hate their relationship. I hate it because it is by far the most toxic of the three presented (if you think Inej and Kaz are more toxic pls fight me) and the circles they run is exhausting. I understand why their relationship is the way it is and why it is a part of the story and its complexity is what I love because it does show that love, like the world, is not very pretty or kind or nice or always right, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

“She wouldn’t wish love on anyone. It was the guest you welcomed, and then couldn’t be rid of.” - Literally the most accurate description of their relationship ever

And, finally, Inej. I didn’t expect Inej to be my favorite. Coming out of the novel I might have been apt to say that Jesper was (what can I say I love the quirky sidekick - re: Stiles from Teen Wolf). But now it’s two weeks later and I find myself drawn to her character again and again. She is smart and witty and has overcome (quite literally) every obstacle thrown at her.

"They would learn to fear her, and they would know her by her name. The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to land true." - Inej

She has the most brushes with death in the novel and somehow comes back even stronger.

“I’ll die on my feet with a knife in my hand” - Inej

She doesn’t fall at the feet of the man that she loves, but instead calls him the boy he is and demands more.

"I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all." - Inej

She is not only an empowering female role model, but a badass who’s not afraid to speak her mind.

“If I want to watch men dig holes to fall into, I’ll find myself a cemetery” - Inej

But mostly she is the hero we all deserve and I’m just a little (okay a lot) bitter that she was subjected the the trope of damsel in distress because she deserves so much more than that and so I hope that is handled well in the sequel (this may explain some of my apprehension in reading Crooked Kingdom).

"For all his selfishness and cruelty, Kaz was still the boy who had saved her. She wanted to believe he was worth saving, too." - Inej

If you have never listened to another of my recommendations, please listen to this one: read this book. If you hate it, that’s fine, I guess, but I think that it will still be worth the read.

#read Dec 30 #six of crows #leigh bardugo #books #booklr #book quotes #book blog #pls read #don't be a fool like me

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lostysworld · 3 years

Text

Not broken – Kaz Brekker x reader

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader

Warning: I hope there are none, but it is Kaz, so fluff and slight hurt/comfort in the end

Summary: You're working as a bartender in the Crow Club, and your flirting with Kaz is an object of jokes around the Crows. What if one day you have to explain him your feelings?

A/N: I hope you, guys, will enjoy it ❤

You are a bartender at the Crow Club, means you know literally everyone here. And more than any other people you know the Crows. You were quick to make friends with Jesper, Inej and Nina, but it did take time for you to earn the trust of Kaz.

Actually you don't need him to trust you with his life, you are just his bartender in the end. But everything the man does is tries to avoid you for as long as possible, and it's all because of your constant flirting with him.

In fact, everyone knows, that you are in love with Kaz Brekker, but realizing, that he will hardly look at you in that way, you decide to just have your time for fun.

When he shows up in the end of the day, you are chatting with Nina while organizing mugs. He nods at the heartrender and leans on the counter.

– You look great, Kaz. This color suits you.

Brekker looks over himself and then back at you, mumbling something under his breath. Even in the dim light of the club you notice his cheeks turn pink.

– Oh, you're blushing. I like how it looks on you, Kaz.

Nina tries to hold the laughter back. One more reason, why you can't stop this teasing, is that Kaz can rarely say something in response. If you didn't know him, you would never believe, that Kaz Brekker could get confused of you.

– I'm not blushing, it's just hot in there.

– His heart is beating like mad, - Nina shares a mischievous glance with you, and Kaz just greets his teeth in helpless anger.

– Just stop it, you two!

He turns away, gripping his cane, and goes upstairs to his office.

Jesper runs to the counter, where you have already saved a glass of whiskey for him. The boy swallows it on one gulp and nods towards his boss.

– What's with him? - you just shrug your shoulders and continue bussing the counter.

– Tired?

Nina just smiles knowingly and leaves you two to mingle.

Another evening you spend with looking after Jesper behind the nearest table with other gamblers. The only nice thing in it is that Kaz sits behind the counter dealing with documents. Well, trying to deal with documents.

Your glance always slips onto his figure, and while you don't expect this, Brekker feels it with his skin every single time.

He can't understand why you always do this. First it was harmless compliments about his hair, costume, or even his handwriting. Later it was short comments about his lack of sleep, or 'good luck' words before heists.

Kaz has never believed in good luck before.

Your smile is always on your lips, when he appears somewhere near the bar, and it embarrasses the man. You are kind and pleasant to him for no reason.

– I can't concentrate, when you look at me like that, Y/N.

He raises his head from the papers with his hand jerking and almost knocking down the glass next to him.

Honestly, you, scanning him with your y/c eyes, is the most distracting thing, but though not unpleasant. But Kaz will never admit it.

You try to supress this wide stupid grin, that appears every time he looks at you back, and lean your head to the side.

– Then maybe you should concentrate on me instead?

– You're doing it again, Y/N, - he doesn't even question it, just states.

– Doing what?

Kaz falls silent, but only because he can't find the right words.

– This...thing, - you almost laugh.

– You mean flirting?

– Exactly! You are trying to flirt with me.

– Yes. Is it working?

You just stares at him openly and innocently, like you haven't done anything wrong. It always confuses Kaz. The man just doesn't know how to react to this.

But the fact, that makes you happy, is that he rarely walks away. Yes, he can hardly tolerate your manner of speaking with him sometimes, but anyway Brekker stays near you despite his visible displeasure.

And this time is no different.

Kaz just goes on with papers, paying no attention to you. You should admit, that even him acting like this, doesn't upset you. His presence is always a comfortable one, and you can do your things while he's busy with his own ones.

When you finish with your other business, you start with stocktaking. Usually every month you make a list of everything that you need in the bar, and it should be agreed with Kaz later.

But before you continue with that, your gaze instantly finds Brekker and a wide smile lights up your face. It actually doesn't go unnoticed.

– What? - Kaz casts a quick glance towards your side. You lean on the counter, not concealing your dreamy eyes, staring right into his soul.

– Where have you been all my life, Kaz Brekker?

– Hiding from you, I guess.

His grim grouchy response only makes you smirk and shake your head. Looking back at the wall with bottles behind the bar, you definitely don't notice another glance from the man and a barely noticeable grin in the crook of his lips.

Your working day is coming to its end, means it's already 6 a.m., and the Crows are nowhere to be seen. They had a heist back the previous day, and you decide to wait for their return and arriving of your co-worker.

With all tables clean you finally can allow yourself a little rest, but then Kaz, Inej and Jesper come in.

Despite their long absence they look content, almost happy. You would even say, that Kaz has that faint grin on his face and it lifts up your mood after a twelve-hours work shift.

– Hey, Y/N, - Jesper waves to you and flops down behind the nearest table. He slowly looks over you and your dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep. – You look terrible.

– Thank you, Jes. Flattering as always.

Brekker comes up to the counter, pouring a drink to himself. You furrow. He will not appreciate the alcohol on the empty stomach later.

– Do you, guys, want something to eat?

As you come back from the kitchen, you almost bump into Kaz. Nothing will surprise you, as both of you find yourselves next to each other every time. And despite your flirting you always try to respect Brekker's boundaries with touching.

As Kaz successfully escapes you colliding, he arches a brow in his grim way.

– Are you stalking me, Y/N? - you chuckle and continue your way towards the rest of the group.

– I wouldn’t call it stalking, more like far distance admiring.

– Distance?!

Inej smiles. The way Kaz confuses around you, but still tries to make a conversation, amuses her. He would never do this with another person, only to you with your never ending jokes and kind comments and nicknames.

– When I appear around, you never fail to bump into me, - you look over your shoulder at the man and join others behind the table.

– I'm nothing if not consistent, Kaz.

– A consistent pain in my ass.

– Oh, that was rude, Mr. Brekker! - your smile drops, but you actually are not angry, cause you know, Kaz will never mean it. The man could be grumpy, but you have never given a real reason for his displeasure.

You hear the mumbling next to you, almost like Inej is trying to shush Jesper, while you and Kaz are staring at each other intensely.

– Why did you two stop? - the boy dodges Inej's grip on his arm. – Keep flirting.

Kaz suddenly clenches his jaw in exhaustion and turns away from them.

– Wait, Kaz, - you stand up from your place. He's annoyed as usual with your stupid jokes, but this time it's something different. – Did we say something wrong?

– I'm just in dire need of silence from all of you.

The man waves her off, and goes away to his office. Somehow you know, that he won't sleep today at all.

– I think I've crossed the line, guys.

You really haven't said anything, that you haven't said before, but this time you don't feel the same joy from teasing Kaz. He is tired after the heist, but there is something else. Maybe you pushed him too hard now.

– Kaz lets you cross it from the very beginning, Y/N, - the soft voice of Inej reaches you, trying to calm down. – Maybe you two finally need to talk.

– Finally?

You furrow and Jasper grins to Inej too.

– Listen, - the girl takes your hands in her. – I know you like him. Why can't you just say it?

– Are you talking about Kaz now, Inej? Because I just can't say such things to him.

– Have you ever tried?

You roll your eyes, but then realize, that they are serious. Well, if not now, when?

Two quiet knocks break the silence of Brekker's office, and after a second you appear on his doorway.

The man casts a quick glance at you, but returns to the papers on his desk.

– Want something, Y/N?

His tone is firm, firmer, than when you usually come to him to talk about the bar. This makes you think again, that you've done something wrong.

– I've made a list, - you come up to the table, placing a document in front of him. – Of what we should add to the bar the next month.

– I'll consider this, - he is eyeing you with his strict glance now, and all of your bravery vanishes.

– Listen, Kaz. I'm sorry-

– How does it feel to make fun of me?

These phrases are said at the same time, but you can clearly hear Kaz's one.

– Excuse me? - your face is full of shock, as if you do not understand his question.

The man stands up from his seat and comes closer to you, shortening the distance.

– Did you have fun mocking me, Y/N? - Brekker's voice is low and a bit angry, but you also can't miss some broken hints in it.

– I didn't mock you, Kaz.

Does he think, that all your 'flirting' thing is just a way of giving him hard time on purpose?

– I didn't, Kaz-

– Then why?

You keep silent, trying to find right words.

– I was telling you all of this, because I mean it, Brekker, - he shakes his head and turns with his back, that makes you raise your voice and move closer. – Every single word of it, Kaz. I do mean it!

– Maybe, you shouldn't. You'd better spend your time working-

– No way, Brekker! - you take another step forward to make him shut up, and the man returns to you. – I'm doing my job just great. You can't complain about it.

He really can't. Every time when he goes downstairs of the club, his glance lands on you behind the counter. Somehow you always find your own approach to everyone here, if it's a gambler without a single coin left, or a criminal, and you talk with all of them with respect. No matter what.

On one short moment you see him and feel like the whole Ketterdam is on his shoulders. And maybe, you should not argue with him now, but try to help.

Kaz shifts his weight and winces, and you finally notice, that his cane is on its place next to his table.

– Sit, Kaz, - your tone softens immediately, the man is still looking into your eyes without tearing them off. – It will be easier-

– You can't mean it.

If this man could possibly surprise you that much, he's done it just right now. You lower your gaze to your feet.

– Why can't I? I...like you, actually.

The confession is awkward and not like you planned before, but you see no point in delaying it. Brekker furrows his brows, the circles under his eyes become more visible.

In this very moment, you want to touch him so badly, your hands are literally itching.

– I do like you, Kaz-

– You don't know me, - he takes a step forward. – You don't know a single fucking thing of me.

– But I do have eyes, Brekker! And I've seen enough to fall in love with you.

What a stubborn man he is, that he continues gazing at you after your words? Suddenly his hoarse qiuet voice reaches you.

– Because I am broken.

You want to say something, but clearly can't. His face expression hits you so hard, that you, who always has your wit for any response, just fall out of words. The man's eyes are roaming everywhere except you. But he is still here, he doesn't go away.

In this moment you curse his touch aversion.

– Kaz, look at me, - he is indeed the stubbornest person you've ever met, he doesn't even move on an inch. – Kaz Brekker.

Your voice is soft and not even judging, something that Kaz secretly admires about you along with the being patient to everyone.

Working as a bartender surely teaches you this.

Slightly you touch his chin and lift his head a bit up, too fast and smooth for him to even jerk from your fingers.

– You are not broken, darling.

'Darling'. He doesn't know why, but he relaxes.

– You are fair and I can always rely on you. You are the strongest person, I know, Kaz. And I've seen plenty of them.

The man raises his gloved hand slowly, being afraid you disappear in a moment. But you are standing in front of him, mesmerized by this gesture of his.

Kaz caresses your cheek, brushing your blushed skin lightly. You've been waiting for this so long, that you lean into the gesture, closing your eyes.

– I like you too.

You can only imagine how hard it is to say these words for Brekker.

Slowly covering his hand with yours, you place a small kiss in the center of his palm. The wave of heat comes through the man's body, Kaz can swear he feels it through the leather of the glove.

– You deserve the whole world, Kaz Brekker, - you let him go, but the next moment raise your hand in front of him. – But today we can start with the small things.

His eyes are roaming across your face and a slight smile appears on his lips instantly.

He takes off one glove and raises his hand as well to link his palm with yours, trying to get used to the contact. Kaz's eyes never leave yours, as he concentrates on you only, not on bad memories.

It is you holding hands with him, and no ghosts of the past will come tonight.

#shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x you #kaz brekker fanfiction #kaz brekker fanfic #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x you #six of crows x you #six of crows x reader #six of crows imagine #six of crows

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crowsvalentine · 7 years

Text

Little Crow 4

Masterlist

A lot of different people show up to the Slat looking for a job or just for solitude. The slat offered a home to grown men in trouble with the law and teenagers who have too many debts to pay. When the dregs open the door one day and see a cradle, offering only a note for explanation will their leader take the baby in or throw her back to let Ketterdam have it’s way with her?

A/N: I wrote this over the span of a month and this is the best it’s going to get before my head explodes. It isn’t much but at least it’s something, I guess.

If Kaz Brekker was king of the barrel, then Kaia Rietveld was the princess with the Van Eck mansion as her castle. The three-year-old had taken over and no one wanted to stop her. When Nina first met her, she knew instantly what the girl would be capable of, if she could have Dirty Hands wrapped around her finger, she’ll soon have the world in her hands as well.

“You spoil her,” Nina said one day.

“I’m just the benefactor, Wylan and Jes are the ones who use the money.”

It was true, not only was Kaia the center of Kaz’s world, she’d become to center of everyone’s. Wylan Van Eck and Jesper Fahey had become the fathers they never thought they’d ever have the chance to be. If Kaz bought her a toy, Wylan would buy her three to cover up the fact that Kaz still had no clue what kids play with. With Kaz’s allowance and Wylan’s family fortune, Kaia was up to her tiny ears with toys and pretty dresses. Only three years old and the girl could play the system, her big brown eyes made it impossible to say no to her.

“It’s okay, once Inej is back she won’t let her grow up to be a brat.” Kaz hummed and went back to watching Crow and Jesper play with her boat in the pond, an exact replica of The Wraith, Kaz wasn’t surprised Nina found her spoiled. “What has she said about Kaia?” He didn’t look back at Nina, confirming what she was thinking.

“Crow hasn’t come up in our letters,” he said quietly.

“Saints, Brekker, three years and she doesn’t know? What will she think when she learns another Suli girl has taken your heart?”

Kaz smirked, his eyes trained on Crow and the small ship in her hands. The Suli may believe that a person only has one arrow to find the heart of their true love, but Kaz believed he could have two. Inej would understand, she could never hate Kaz for loving more than anyone could ever believe possible.

“It won’t be a problem, love, I promise.”

He finally stood just as Crow ran over, her boat clutched tight in her hand with her other reaching up to take his own. She smiled up at him, not even caring that her sleeve was all wet from the water dripping off her toy. Crouching down he tapped on the boat, a small smile on his face, “why don’t we play with that in the bath?” Instantly she stepped back and shook her hand. Like her namesake, Kaia did not like getting wet.

Jesper walked over and lifted the girl up over his shoulders, taking the boat from her hands and into his own. Kaz stiffened and Nina seemed to freeze, but no cries of protest came as expected. Crow only turned her interest to Jesper’s hair, playing with the curly tuft as if it was a brand-new toy.

“You have to stop asking her, she usually just goes in once you get her into the bathroom,” he explained, tossing the boat to Kaz, “right, Kaia?”

“Right!”

Laughing, Nina stole Kaia from Jesper, holding her to her hip as she walked back to the mansion.

“C’mon, then, I’ll even use flowery bubbles and then I’ll teach your da how to braid your hair all nice and pretty,” she said to her as she walked. Looking at each other, Kaz and Jesper rushed after her, calling out that they could, in fact, braid hair just as prettily as she could.

Kaz found himself shifting through the last three years worth of letters from Inej, wondering if he really has gone too long without telling her about Crow. There was no way she’d be mad at him for taking in a baby, she might even be proud. It would show her that Kaz Brekker could take care of someone other than himself for nothing in return. So why hadn’t he told her yet?

Dear Kaz, I docked at a city today that I did not know existed. It reminded me of the barrel, if it were ten times larger and a hundred times cleaner. I met a man selling blankets with crow stitchings on them for a price way higher than they were worth, but I bought one anyway. Bought, not stole, your teachings are slowly fading away, I’m sorry.

He smiled at that letter, but that was only a month after she’d left, which was years before Crow had even showed up. He moved down the pile a bit, trying to pinpoint the first letter he could’ve mentioned the new addition to the gang.

Inej, it’s been exactly three years since you’ve left Ketterdam and you’re finally asking what has changed in your absence. Jesper has grown a beard that your saints would not approve of, we have a wager for when Wylan will finally shave it off, my bet is only a few weeks, I’ve invested in a hotel we’ve renamed the Crow’s Nest, and-

He could tell where his writing had paused, a small dot darker than the other writing appearing on the page indicating where he stopped to think about what to write next. This was the first letter he wrote after Crow’s arrival, but it was so soon after the fact that no one knew if they were even keeping the baby. He’d written about a new gang forming instead and asked about her next adventure before cutting the letter short. He went through letter after letter like that, always wanting to tell her but hesitating to do so. She’d been gone a little over six years now and all she knew of home were the few things Kaz told her. Wylan and Jesper wrote to her as well, but their letters were more of a ‘hope you’re still alive, we’d kill you if you weren’t’ type of thing and did nothing as far as information went. They’d never tell her about Crow before he did, not without asking anyway.

When Nina had arrived, she was in complete shock when she saw a baby in the mansion. She yelled at Kaz and the boys about how unprepared they were to raise a child, the only thing that quieted her was the fact that Marya was present and almost aware of how to care for a baby. When she finally met Crow, she couldn’t find herself any of that anger anymore, she’d fallen in love just as the rest of them did when Crow opened her eyes from her nap and smiled up at the new face. Kaz hoped Inej would be the same, he could think of no reason she wouldn’t. He finally opened the last letter from Inej, determined to reply with the news of Crow.

Dear Kaz, the first thing I wanted to tell you before you saw me next was that my hair is now cut short to shoulders. I know how much you loved it, but the salt was getting a bit annoying to deal with...

He wanted to be mad at that, he’d had the pleasure of seeing her hair free of it’s coiled braid, falling in waves down her back. It was one of the few parts of her he could touch without his gloves and not feel anything but love for it. However, he started to wonder how she’d looked now, and the image was something he couldn’t help but let himself smile at.

...There’s now a little boy on my ship, he’s Zemeni, barely nine years old and he refused to go back home to nothing, so I let him stay. Two of the women on my ship have adopted him as their own, a Shu, a Ravkan, and a Zemeni, it is a strange family, but I’ve never seen more love between three people in my life.

He read on but the story of the Zemeni boy stuck with him, if she could appreciate her crewmates taking in a child, she’ll appreciate him doing the same. Though, as his pen hit the paper, he couldn’t bring himself to write about the child who’d come into his life and taken his name. Inej Ghafa would still know nothing of Kaia Rietveld, not until she stepped on Ketterdam soil once again.

He sealed his letter and sent it off with one of his runners to be shipped to the location Inej had written in her letter. He hated that he couldn’t tell her about such an important part of his new life, he wasn’t even sure what was holding him back. It could be another month, or even a year before Inej came back, and the later he waited, the chances of the outcome were greatly changed.

Kaz placed a sleeping Crow in to her bed that night, putting Breck and her ship next to her he waited for her to settle in before taking a seat on the chair. She was perfect in every way, nothing about her could make Kaz think in a million years that someone wouldn’t like her. Inej especially. Inej was slow to trust but quick to love and he knew that she’d love Crow more than anything else if she just came home to meet her. It was then that he realized why he couldn’t write it.

“If I didn’t know you two, I’d think she was your real daughter,” Nina said walking into the room, “you’ve literally turned her into a miniature Kaz Brekker, and if Inej can deal with you, she’ll have no problem with Kaia.” He was quick to turn and look at her, eye brows raised and eyes wide. “I know that’s what you’ve been thinking since I brought it up, stop worrying, you’ll eventually be able to tell her, and when you do, Inej will be able to love Kaia just as much as you do.”

He just wanted to be there when she did, he wanted to explain and help her through understanding why he took in Crow rather than her doing it all herself over a letter. Nina left the room, taking his silence as as much acknowledgment as she was going to get, leaving him alone to watch over Crow as she slept.

“You have three fathers and Nina Zenik, I hope you’ll get the chance to learn from Inej as much as you have from us. She’s one of the smartest, most beautiful people you will ever meet, and I love her, and I hope you will too,” he whispered as he stood, “and she’ll love you, I promise.” Giving her one last look, he shut the door.

#I write for soc #six of crows #crooked kingdom #kaz brekker #nina zenik #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #inej ghafa #kanej #soc fic

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yesimwriting · 3 years

Text

The Promise of Rain, Blurb 3

Technically the third in a blurb-ish series (though this is kinda long for a blurb lol) but can technically be read as a stand alone, but i think the other parts make this seem more significant lol

A/n kinda angsty, not sure if i loveeee this but i haven’t posted a fic in such a long time bc of graduation chaos but now it’s summer and i’m working on a lot of requests/stories :))

Summary: jealousy is out of place when there’s no real warrant for it, and sometimes it’s okay to be content--to not need the rain to make you promises.

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! reader

Tiredness dulls the part of me that craves the rambunctious, but I’m still positive. I smile when someone does something only the truly inebriated find comical. I laugh when something somewhat actually funny happens, and I let the world around me drink. Twenty minutes--in twenty minutes I will claim a headache and go upstairs.

“You okay, y/n?” Jesper’s concern would border on genuinely considerate if it wasn’t for the slightest hint of slur in his words. Nights in which he consols himself after losing game after game are when he’s the friendliest. “You’re strangely quiet--you’re never quiet.”

I press my lips together oddly, smiling in a way that finally reaches my eyes. Jesper’s nice in an oddly particular way when he’s tipsy. Overly observant and careful. “Just a little tired,” I shift in my seat, leaning back against the plush seat in Kaz’s office, “I wish Kaz would just get here and dismiss us so I can go to bed.”

Jesper smiles, lifting his arm slightly and causing his glass to sway. Kaz is not going to take it well when he realizes that Jesper was extremely involved in the downstairs celebration. He turns ungracefully, moving to sit next to me with no warning. I half-heartedly glare as he takes up most of the small couch.

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired,” Jesper hums, stretching his casually.

I sigh once, but it lacks any bite. “I do not.”

He smiles easily, tilting his head so far to the side that it falls against the back of the seat, “No...but I know the real reason you’re grumpy.”

Rolling my eyes, I suppress my instinctual reaction. That would only expose his words as true. “I am not grumpy, there is no reason--”

“You know he hated it.”

I exhale, tired and slowly losing my fragine hold on fake tranquility. “Yeah.” That should make it better. “I know.” It doesn’t--it doesn’t make anything better.

So the contact we so desperately needed on our side took to flirting with Kaz. It was an uncomfortable situation because of its precariousness and I was worried because I know about his issues with touch. But it’s not like I care about the flirting part. No. It was unprofessional and so easily turned messy--that’s what my problem was.

Jesper sighs, stretching even more. I let him stretch his legs over me, too tired to push him off. I sigh, setting my chin on his bent knees. “What’s with the face, l/n?”

I roll my eyes again. Sometimes having someone care about you is annoying. I take back all of my positive thoughts about him--Jesper Fahey is an annoying drunk.

“There’s no face,” despite my words, I feel my expression sour even further. Jesper’s expression shifts from that of gentle worry to teasing pride. “And if there was one, it wouldn’t be because of Kaz Brekker.”

Jesper’s lips twitch upwards, something strange tainting his tipsy grin. “I never said a name.”

“One more condescending comment, and I’m shoving you off this damn couch.”

He laughs flatly, shifting closer and making himself more comfortable. Drunk and touchy--anyone else would have been slapped by now. “You’re nicer after some of this.”

He holds his glass out towards me casually, amber liquid sloshing slightly. I blink at the liquid with slight disinterest. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood...but I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this. The sound of the door opening doesn’t phase me--it’s not Inej, because she never lets herself be heard. Kaz doesn’t say anything, taking one dull step and then another, footsteps leaching the room of any warmth. The coldness he exudes so easily as a mask is strong tonight, I haven’t even looked at him and I can feel it.

Maybe I do need a drink.

I take the glass from Jesper, taking a quick and shallow sip of the liquid. It’s offensive in smell, taste, and the way it spills down my throat. The taste is much more intense than expected, some of the liquid slips past the corner of my mouth. Somehow more bitter than this moment, the liquid leaves me ready to splutter like a child. I exhale, pushing through the burning. Jesper moves his hand forward absentmindedly, wiping a single drop of liquid from my chin carelessly. The gesture would be sweet if my throat burned less.

“Jesper,” the warmth of the alcohol takes root in my chest, “That’s--” He laughs at my reaction, coaxing a smile from me. “Like literally the worst--why do you even have this?” If this is served in the Crow Club, I’ve never heard of it, this is the kind of under the counter alcohol that isn’t mass produced.

He laughs a little more freely. “Won it off of someone passing through--I don’t always lose.”

I wrinkle my nose, “An outlier shouldn’t be--”

“Oh, shut up.” Jesper laughs again.

“Both of you ‘shut up’,” Kaz sighs, stepping further into the room, “If you need to drink, at least wait until after my meeting.” I frown, ignoring Kaz’s lingering and sharp gaze, “You should all follow Inej’s example.”

“We can’t even see Inej.”

Kaz raises an eyebrow, but he regards me with nothing but voidness. He’s never exactly emotive, but normally in moments like this something I can never interpret touches his expression, coloring it human. “Exactly.”

“You’re funnier than people give you credit for.” The comment isn’t exactly sarcastic, but it’s something lighter than I should be offering. It’s an attempt at peace, the slight stiffness between us is starting to bother me. Our usual dynamic isn’t exactly friendly, but it’s more than this. Kaz glares. “But not tonight.”

His expression hardens. “Business is business. It’s not humor, it’s not whatever you try to make it.” Right. Just like it was business when that girl spent more time hitting on him than actually revealing real information. The thought leaves my expression tight as I swallow back my instinctual words. “It’s not whatever you’re currently doing.”

It takes me longer than it should to realize he’s referring to the position Jesper and I are in. Can he relax? It’s not my fault Jesper is tipsy and touchy.

“Kaz,” Inej’s voice is soft yet determined as she emerges from the shadows. It’s a miracle the way she’s nothing more than a shadow until she chooses not to be. “What’s our next job?”

Prompting Kaz in order to prevent a fight--Inej, always the closest thing to a mom available. I give her a partial smile, glad that she’s wedging herself between us and the tension, preventing conflict I’m too tired to follow through on.

“A merchant’s house,” he begins slowly, “We’ll be searching a merchant’s house but I’m seeking evidence more than property.” Jesper swings his legs off the couch with no warning. My head falls. I glare at Jesper who offers me a slightly apologetic tsk before dropping his head on my shoulder. Kaz must note the exchange because something in his expression tightens. He’s extra irritable today. “I’ll disclose more tomorrow,” he sighs once, already turning away, “Most of you are beyond listening tonight anyways.”

He’s at the door before I can tell him that I’m not drunk. The door opens and closes, but Kaz’s heaviness lingers like led. I frown, letting my head fall to the side, resting on Jesper’s.

“He’s weird today,” I mumble, unsure if I want a reply.

“He’s always like that,” Jesper breathes, “You’re losing your novelty, y/n--he always learns to harden himself against anything bright.”

The words leave me even more tired. “I don’t think I’m particularly bright.”

“Kaz does,” Inej replies, “And it has nothing to do with ‘novelty’, Jesper’s just cynical when he drinks.” I don’t know if I believe her, but I like knowing that Inej thinks that. “And Kaz can’t harden himself against you, and he hates that.”

I press my lips together, straightening my spine. “I’m not that great, and whatever Kaz does or doesn’t harden himself against doesn’t affect me at all.” My nails press into the plush seat. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this because whatever he does or doesn’t feel doesn’t matter to me.” I force myself up, doing all I can to seem perfectly calm. “All I care about is going to bed.”

Turning my head, I start to approach the door. Kaz has been strangely cold all night, and while I’m used to his moods, he hasn’t exactly directed them at me so fully since the day he caught me waiting for him to wake up after he almost died. If he wants to go back to how it used to be, then it can. Maybe I’ll care in the morning, when the growing weight of my eyelids is no longer a distraction.

“Sometimes the two of you confuse me,” Inej begins, “And sometimes I see you try to deal with emotion and I see the common ground.”

The words leave me cold. I don’t think being compared to Kaz is an insult, not when there’s so much it could mean. He’s much more complex than he wants to be. There is goodness within him, gilding the parts of him that are more shards than anything else.

I exhale, refusing to turn. Inej is too observant for her own good. “There is no emotion.”

“I’m not going to waste my time arguing over that because I know it’s a waste of time.” She pauses and I consider turning around in hopes of reading something less honest from her expression. “I’m just telling you as a friend that one of you needs to be mature and talk to the other tonight before the tension gets worse and that it’s not going to be him.”

She’s right. I exhale, “Do you think I should let him go?” Even just saying that leaves my heart aching. I know instantly that that’s not what I want, but it might be what he wants--it might be the best option. I might have the strength to let him go if I work at it. “I don’t--that’s not what I want and I’m not sure I could, but maybe that’s selfish of me.”

“Y/n.” I turn slowly, but I purposefully avoid her gaze, keeping my head down. “I know that I’ve known Kaz longer than you, and I know that when he’s getting along with you he’s,” she trails off, uncertain, “More him, in a good way.”

My heart swells, and with that comes feelings of panic. I never wanted to change him--to make him better or worse or anything; all I’ve ever wanted is to know him and to maybe help him with his burden. And to hear that maybe I’ve done that from someone so close to him--someone so observant and aware. That’s everything. And that terrifies me. Nothing good can last; nothing that seems to be all you could ever want actually is. I know that from life before the Crows, before I ran away from the castle I called home.

“I think he does the same for you.” I’ve never really thought about Kaz’s effect on me outside of the fact that he makes me feel warm in small moments and painfully seen in large ones.

I smile because she’s trying and she’s given me something. “I’d say I’d tell you when I make my decision, but something tells me you’ll know.”

She nods, expression shifting to something kind. “Goodnight, y/n.”

Jesper stretches out on the couch, settling himself comfortably, “Night, y/n.”

“Goodnight, guys.” I disappear past the door easily, heading towards my room.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to look for Kaz tonight. How much damage could be done in one night? Maybe he needs space. Maybe seeking him out now will make things worse. I exhale, opening the door to my room easily. I’ll decide before going to sleep.

When I step into the room, everything is in place. Everything is fine--but something about it feels off. The light is on. I didn’t leave the light on. Nothing else raises any red flags, so I continue into the room calmly, examining everything carefully. Nothing feels out of place as I further enter the room. I take in my bed, my dresser, and lastly my nightstand.

My heart swells all over again, but this time it feels even heavier than before. On the center of my nightstand, in perfect condition, is a copy of Pride and Prejudice. The same book I told Kaz about, the one thing besides clothing I took from the palace. I told him it was my mother’s favorite and then he asked me to read it to him.

I can’t picture him seeing this and thinking of me. I can’t picture him thinking of me--but no one else knew about my attachment to the book. I need to find him. I need to--to see him, to speak to him. To look him in the eye and see something I only ever see when we’re alone. Maybe he won’t have that look this time, but that’s okay.

I can’t expect to always understand him, but that does not mean I don’t know him.

The thought leaves me feeling a little more settled within the boundaries of my skin, but I don’t ease entirely. The good is more frightening than the bad. My fear of happiness is a benign secret I haven’t had to worry about in years. I don’t know enough about it to know how to deal with it let alone mention it to Kaz. Not that it’s his problem.

I squeeze the book to my stomach. Swallowing pride is a difficult thing, but I’m used to it with him. It’s usually worth it with Kaz because sometimes when I try he tries in his own way. I should find him. He’s not awfully creative about where he goes when he wants to be alone because people know better than to bother him. Kaz is probably in his attic or getting air outside or…

The lights were on when I came in. I’m an idiot. I didn’t feel weird when I walked into the room because of the book. Someone’s in here. He’s in here.

Setting the book down like I should have never touched it, I let out a sigh. “Lurking is unbecoming.”

“It’s also unbecoming to work for me and be so easily distracted by a book.” His voice reveals nothing as he emerges from the shadows. “I could have killed you with how long it took for you to notice my presence.” He pauses, eyebrows drawing together. “The light was on.”

Normally I’d have some kind of comment, some kind of joke that offers a more peaceful situation. “I know.” It’s a flat response. “I think on some subconscious level I knew,” I drop my gaze away from him, “I knew I was okay.” That sounds dumb. “I mean...I think I knew it was you so I knew I was okay.” Yeah, that wasn’t anymore eloquent. “That doesn’t make sense, but if you get to be confusing, I do too.”

“Confusing? There’s nothing to understand.” Curt. Simple. Dismissive.

I frown. ‘Nothing to understand’. Right, because there’s nothing confusing about how quickly he decided to dismiss me just to bring me some obscenely sentimental gift. “If you’re mad at me, you should at least tell me why.” I press my lips together. “At least that way I’ll know if I need to apologize or kick your ass.”

At that, he presses his lips together, corner of his mouth threatening to tilt upwards. “You would kick my ass?”

Great, even when he’s easing he has to be annoying. “I could.” There is no universe in which I could take him in a physical fight. “On a good day.” I let out a breath, doing all I can to not focus on his expression. Awkwardness settles in my chest as my eyes land on my bed. I sit down, trying not to let my shoulders slump tiredly as I stretch my legs across my bed. “You’re not having a good day.”

“My day is fine, I’m just not naively cheerful like you,” his words turn sharp, “Or Jesper.”

Weird addition. “Jesper’s not cheerful, he’s just drunk.” I let go of the ‘naive’ part, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. “And I’m not as naive or joyful as you think I am.” I’m not sure if I mean that as a rebuttal or just a fact. “I have bad days too.” This isn’t the kind of conversation I should have while this tired. “I could be less cheerful if you’d like.”

He’s so silent I momentarily wonder if he’s left. “No.” It’s not much, but I take it. Straightening my back, I pull my legs beneath me, intentionally creating space. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ah, blatant rejection. It would sting if I was less in the right. “Maybe you’ll be less weird then.”

“I am not being weird.” At least I’m getting some kind of reaction from him. “You’re the one who--”

“Who what?” Finally--progress.

Kaz sighs, turning slightly. “You’re the one who decided to ignore me after we met with the contact.” I part my lips, ready to retort, but no words come. He did pick up on my slight annoyance, and he reciprocated it in a much larger way.

He can never know that this all came from some ridiculous, territorial--partial jealousy. “I didn’t mean to ignore you,” partial lie, “I’m just kind of in a weird place today, I’m tired.”

“Not too tired for Jesper, it seems.”

What? Is that what this is about? “What? All I did was sit there--he’s a touchy drunk and I just happened to be next to him.”

“You laugh with him,” he says this blankly, “You can touch him.”

The edge of unsafe territory cuts into me at an odd angle. Is this about him? Is he really tormenting himself over something so asinine to me when it comes to him? I’d rather have him than all the physical touch in the world. The book on the nightstand feels closer to me, growing by the prospect of its significance alone. That gesture, that’s more intimate than anything Jesper and I did downstairs.

“So?” I straighten my back slightly. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

He presses his lips together. “That’s the problem--anyone can manage meaningless contact…” The silence is louder than the words that came before it. Oh. I guess I’m not the only one who gets just a little jealous in an unwarranted way. “What if you were hurt? What if you were hurt and we were alone and you needed someone to help you and I couldn’t?” He lets out a sigh, a sound too tired for me to associate with him. “You say you don’t care now, but you’ll grow tired of it--the only life I can offer.”

Inej’s words about the similarities between Kaz and I echo in my mind. “Sometimes I don’t like when things are going well because I don’t know how to be truly content, fully happy.” Saying this twists my stomach. “I don’t know how to trust good things, so whenever there are good things I think about all the ways I could ruin something and then I do.” I take a breath. “I’m not saying that things are particularly good for you or that you’re happy, but I am saying that maybe you shouldn’t think three steps ahead when there’s nothing to think ahead about.” I regard his expression carefully, but nothing has changed. “I told you the only thing I want is to know you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Y/n,” his voice is low, “I am not rain--I can’t promise you anything.”

I scratch my knee, dropping my gaze. “For once I don’t want rain.”

Kaz sighs. “Get some sleep.” Something about the way he’s speaking is authoritative but it lacks any weight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I frown freely, “Kaz--”

“You look tired,” he mumbles, “You need rest.” He’s using this as an excuse to escape his feelings, but he’s already given me more than I expected. Greed ruins things, but then again, so does selflessness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“For the job?”

Something strange crosses his features as his expression teeters on shifting. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he repeats, a little more certain.

The response doesn’t satiate me. “Kaz--”

“I may not be the rain, but I’m capable of making promises as well.” There’s something final about the way he says this, but it doesn’t feel cruel.

Maybe I’d protest if my eyelids were less weighted. “Goodnight, Kaz.”

My head falls against the pillow. I’m not sure if he replies, too lost in the drawl of sleep before he can even close the door.

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#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #six of crows #six of crows imagine #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone show #my works #shadow and bone netflix #six of crows fic #soc imagine #soc fic #sab fic #kaz brekker imagine #grishaverse #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse x reader

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yesimwriting · 3 years

Text

The Problem With Light

a/n i literally did not mean to write this, i was working on requests and then my mind was like ‘remember that lowkey love triangle kaz brekker x reader x darkling thing you always say you're going to write’ so yeah,, here we are :)),, two longer fics are coming!!

Summary: Kaz changes his plans after meeting the Sun Summoner and Kirigan teeters on a line the reader isn’t sure she wants.

Chapter One: The Conflicts of Prayer

Narrator.

Kaz knows a lot about patience. He knows how to bear the weight that the passage of time thrusts onto one's shoulder. He knows how to cultivate the seeds that he sews. If he wasn’t like this he’d stand no chance at one day avenging the ghost that refuses to leave him.

But Jesper is almost an hour late. Kaz has been standing in a dimly hit branch of a relatively important hallway in the Little Palace. Jesper was supposed to come while in disguise to bring Kaz his new disguise and his newly repaired cane. Kaz’s hand flexes again, wishing he could feel the detailed head of one of his few comforts beneath the broken-in leather of his gloves. A bitter part of him claims that if Jesper isn’t injured once he arrives, he’ll be injured once Kaz gets his hand on his cane.

He shifts his weight, the pain in his leg starting to take its toll. The slight relaxation disappears once he hears footsteps. Kaz turns, ignoring the ache the motion brings him. His entire body hardens, preparing for a fight. He doesn’t look like he belongs here yet and there’s nowhere to run. The person crossing his path will need to be taken care of--knocked out or something more permanent.

The person only pauses to look at him when Kaz angles himself forward in a fighting stance. He watches the person, a girl, shifts back slightly, eyes wide and defensive. She’s a mess--hair disheveled, nose slightly bleeding, and dirty kefta. Her appearance isn’t why Kaz finds himself frozen, not because of the girl’s appearance but because she’s her. Y/n l/n. The Sun Summoner.

“Sorry! I--” She almost winces, but then her eyebrows furrow together. “You’re not supposed to be here.” Kaz’s jaw locks. He could take her physically, but for all he knows she could raise her arms and blind him permanently with her light. “That’s okay,” she breathes, something in her looking a little relieved, “I’m not supposed to be here either.” Kaz watches her oddly, wondering if her trustingness is a trap in itself. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

It’s a joke. That much is clear by the gentle uptilt of her lips. It’s as if she doesn’t know she’s bleeding and looks like she just ran out of a fight. Her expression doesn’t harshen at his silence. Kaz finds himself disliking that. It’s not enough that she can summon the sun, she also has to seem like it.

He needs to say something. Jesper was supposed to be watching her and now he’s not here and she is. The plan is unraveling and if he talks she’ll stay here or reveal where she’s going to next. That’s the kind of thing he needs to salvage this.

His lips part, but he’s not sure what to say. “You’re not supposed to be here?”

She shakes her head once. “No--I’m supposed to be in personal training, but I kind of got my ass kicked in group training and my pride needs a break.” The admission leaves her sheepishly. “It’s probably for the best, becoming a Sun Summoner overnight has given me a bit of an ego.” She sighs, the sound strangely light. “Then again, I kind of need an ego for what’s wanted from me and if one bad fight is all it takes to kill it then it’s not strong enough, considering--” Kaz tenses as she cuts herself off. “Sorry, I’m rambling, we both have places to be.” Hope presses into him stiffly. She’s going to say it. “Where--where are you supposed to be?” She shifts back slightly. “Not that I have to know, but you’re not from here, and--”

Kaz steps forward, pushing through the stiffness in his leg. Y/n’s gaze drops. Kaz’s discomfort worsens, someone like her doesn’t need to know his weaknesses. “Are you here for me to pray for you?” She scratches her arm, “I-I can, but I tell everyone I pray for I don’t consider myself a Saint.”

The honesty of the comment twisted something in Kaz’s thoughts. “Yes,” he lies, partially distracted by the beginnings of a scheme. He can feel Inej’s future anger as he lies again, “I’m here for prayer.”

“I spent so long rambling,” she says in a tone that implies apology.

He nods once, wondering how someone could be that apologetic and survive. The weight of such power must strangle someone like her. That could be a good thing. Someone like her must be spiraling with all this change and sudden strength. Maybe this could be simpler than an abduction plan, a few choice words and he could convince the girl to come with him. He could get her to believe there was something she needed to do in Ketterdam. If she went there willingly, things could be much more efficient.

Inej won’t like this, and for this to work he’ll have to think of the right way to present the plan to her. He weighs his options and the details as y/n whispers words with her eyes closed and hands folded together. The words he can make out are kind. He expected that, but what he didn’t expect was the earnestness of them.

She means each part of her prayers. Kaz regrets noticing that.

“I can’t promise my prayers do anything,” she finishes, voice returning to its normal volume, “but I hope you get what you need.”

What he wants is within his grasp now that he knows what to do. “I’m sure good things are near.” It’s the most honest he’s been since her arrival.

Y/n nods once, “I should go before my reprieve costs me more than it's worth.”

He watches her disappear down the hallway. Her movements are light, calm and unweighted.

“Boss,” Jesper’s appearance is brash, “I’ve spent this entire time looking for her. She was in training like she was supposed to, took an awul blow, delivered an even meaner one, and then disappeared.”

Kaz tries to imagine the same hands that were just so neatly folded in prayer as fists. “You just missed her.” He doesn’t wait for Jesper’s reaction, he just takes his newly repaired cane back. “And we’re changing the plan.”

Y/n.

I tried going to Baghra. I told someone who believed my prayers meant something that I was going back to training. But then I remembered her words from last time and the shame I felt when I could not create light. I haven’t summoned light once without Kirigan’s touch.

I’m the Sun Summoner--I am the person that summons the sun by themselves. Kirigan and I aren’t the Sun Summoner together. I’m pathetic. And instead of trying to get better, I’m wandering the library because all anyone can talk about is the way Zoya punched me in the face.

Baghra picked me apart when I looked shiny. I can’t imagine the kinds of comments she’d make if she saw me with a bloody nose and dead leaves in my hair. I’ll go tomorrow, once Genya fixes both my matted hair and cracked self esteem.

For now, I have the one thing that’s always comforted me. My books. I wander the library, trying not to think of anything. Of Baghra, of Zoya, of the strange man in the hall.

He seemed weighted by something. I always wish I could do more for those that ask for my prayer, but the longing is sharper now. I don’t know him, so it’s ridiculous to want to help him so badly, but my uselessness itches beneath my skin in a way I’m not used to. I don’t know why I feel more protective about this stranger than others. I’ve had people fall to my feet weeping, begging for me to save them. That hurt me, but the desire to help this one stranger burns in a way I’ve never felt before.

“I don’t know why they don’t look for you here every time you disappear.” His voice is as soft and subtle as a shadow. “They’d save so much time.”

I fight the urge to defensively grasp the first book I can reach. “You’re making it sound like I have a habit of vanishing in order to make a point.” My defense is weak. We both know that this isn’t the first time I ran away from something here. “Sometimes absence is just that.”

“When you’ve waited for someone as long as I have, all absence is significant.” The words are not harsh but they should be. I don’t know how I could respond to that.

He steps forward easily, as he always does. I keep myself still despite the way that warmth settles against my chest uncomfortably. I manage to hold onto my stillness even when he raises a hand, one gentle finger brushing above my top lip. I tense at his lingering touch.

Kirigan turns his hand slowly, exposing the red on his fingertips. “How di--”

“Training,” I interrupt quickly, “I promise I got a decent hit in as well.”

When he nods, his expression is clearly weighted but I cannot interpret it. He almost always looks like that. I shouldn’t find anything about the man that stole me from everything I’ve ever known (even though he had good reason to do so) alluring, but I want to understand him. It’d feel like knowing a secret the rest of the world is desperate for.

For a moment we just stand there, Kirigan closer than he’s ever been. Sometimes when he’s quiet I think he knows my secrets. All of mine. Even my curiosity about him. “I don’t doubt that.”

At least he tries to be nice to me sometimes. It’s more than anyone else here can say. Except maybe Genya. “You don’t have to say that.” He knows it’s true. “Keep in mind you found me in the library, hiding from Baghra.”

He hesitates. “No one likes training.”

“I think I’d find it tolerable if…” Can I say this to him? Admit the extent of my helplessness? He looks at me patiently, waiting for me to give something to him. “I’m the Sun Summoner--that’s supposed to be me. That’s supposed to be mine, and I can’t do it by myself.”

The patheticness of my struggle hits me in full force. I drop my head as he weighs my words. “It’s in you,” he says it so surely I don’t think I could argue.

I smile politely. “Thank you.”

Kirigan reaches downwards, towards my wrist. He latches onto me so quickly I’m too surprised to back away. “Light,” he prompts like it really is that easy.

I know I can do it with him, so I don’t see the point in showing it. “It doesn’t count if I get help.”

“Y/n.” Sometimes I think his voice is softer when he speaks my name.

I raise my hands, overlaying them, letting the hand that he touches make up the base of my cup. Reaching into myself, I search for the power beneath my skin. With him, that power seems to sit directly beneath the surface, desperate and greedy. I don’t call to it, instead I simply let it flow. The light bleeds from me, a sphere of blinding light bursts into my hands. It’s bright, burning, and desperate to escape my control.

My mind clamps around the power tightly, restraining it without choking it out until the light in my hands is exactly as small as I want it to be. I hold it there, letting its warmth melt away all of the bad. I let it grow, the light illuminating a path I can barely see--a path in which I do not disappoint those that need to have faith in something and for some unknown reason decided to place it in me. I hold onto that feeling, and then I let the light disappear.

I smile at my hands. The only good that’s come from this is the way the light makes me feel. “Y/n.” I look up at Kirigan, who’s showing me both of his palms. “That was you.”

A feeling better than the light coils up my stomach and into my heart. I grin. I did it without him. I can do it without him. “That--how did you know that would work?”

“I knew that you could do it, you just needed to see it.”

Warmth fills me, light and easy. A little too light. I have to work at not reaching for him, not because I need to, but because I want to. “Thank you.” This time I mean it.

“Your gratitude is premature,” he warns, but nothing about it is harsh, “I’m here to send you back to training.”

At least the thought of facing Baghra no longer devastates me. “There’s always a catch.” I smile, hoping he understands what he’s done for me. “But I think this time it may be worth it.”

He almost smiles. “Tell me if you still feel that way after spending time with Baghra.”

A fair warning. It’s more than I expect from him. “Will do.”

Kirigan’s expression threatens to soften, but he turns away from me with a soft nod before I can try to decipher the look. I let him leave before disappearing down another hall, forcing myself to look for Baghra. I think of my interaction with both Kirigan and the stranger, at least Baghra won’t be the weirdest part of my day

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