#the way kaz trusts him so much that he makes him his second

[haveihitanerve]

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Kaz Brekker stood in his small, cramped attic room, and stared out the window. Fat drops of rain pelted the glass and Kaz lips twitched as he watched a few last minute shoppers rush home through the downpour they were facing. His ungloved hands were clasped in front of him, but they dropped to dangle at his sides instead when he heard the door creak. “Hello Inej.” He said, his voice hardly louder than a whisper. She had wanted him to be aware of his arrival, for while the door had creaked, no other sound was made until she stood at his side, her slender fingers sliding into his. Kaz squeezed them, marveling at her soft hands, and the fact that he could do this. Hold the hand of the woman he loved without freezing up, or shaking, or having violent flashbacks. She had broken his fear/hate/dislike/trauma of touch slowly, recruiting Jesper for help, since the two of them had known him the longest and were closest to him, so their touch was known. It still made Kazs heart twist a little, in fondness and affection, when he thought of how ready the two had been to help him overcome this. The thought that they still cared for him, despite all he had done, despite who he was, and how he had treated them. Albeit there own selfish reasons for wanting to break his hatred of touch. They had gone slow, and Kaz was grateful, though he knew they were both eager. Despite her years at the menagerie, Inej’s love language was touch, and Jesper had grown up in a very affectionate household. But they had always been good about it.

Inej had never touched him except maybe to brush against his side in passing, or a light hand on the shoulder. And Jesper had refrained from hugging him, or slapping him on the back, or ruffling his hair the way he was prone to doing with other Crows. Instead Jesper had always kept his hands to himself, knocking their shoulders together in silent comradery, offering a fist bump in place of a hug. It had never been intended to break his dislike of touch, but now it had turned into it. Inej would slide up behind him and press herself against his back for a second, longer each time, before pulling away again, never staying long enough to suffocate him. She would trace patterns across his chest and shoulders and brows, fingertips trailing lightly across his skin. She would brush their fingers together, maybe hook one or two, but never for too long. Never too much. Jesper increased his shoulder bumping activities, and sometimes would even venture to drape his arm around Kaz’s shoulders for a quick second before pulling away again. When Kaz would sit down, Jesper would sit next to him and grab his legs so they slung over his lap, playing drums on his good knee. As time had worn on, Kaz had found himself enjoying the simple touches, and on occasion he would even miss them, or seek them out. The two Crows had never pushed, and somehow also knew how much Kaz was able to handle without he even knowing himself. Apparently today was a good day, because Inej slid her whole hand inside of his, entwining their fingers together. Kaz let his thumb circle lightly on her knuckles, and she rested her head on his shoulder. “Hello Kaz.” she whispered. “Hello Jesper!” Came the call from the door as it was kicked open and Jesper strolled in. He grinned at them both, joining them at the window and draping an around around Kaz’s shoulders. Kaz rolled his eyes. His room had always been a safe haven, a place he could get away from everyone, but somehow that everyone no longer applied to the Six of Crows. Not that Kaz could say the definition of his room had changed. “Its a beauty aint it?” Jesper asked with a pleased sigh, leaning his head against Kaz’s. “What is?” Kaz asked in mild annoyance, leaning his head away only to knock it back harder. Jesper snorted, rubbing his head before placing it right back where it had started. Kaz grumbled. “Our city.” He pointed at the window. “Ain't she gorgeous?” he breathed in reverent awe. “You got the best view of her Kaz. Thats for sure.” Inej hummed her agreement but Kaz frowned, trying to see the city the way they did. As a place of beauty. And maybe it was the fact that he was holding Inejs hand without his gloves. Or maybe it was the fact that despite his attempted annoyance at Jesper, he was really enjoying the way his arm wrapped around his shoulders. Or maybe it was his throbbing head from knocking too hard into Jespers, but whatever the reason, it was as though Kaz truly was seeing the city through new eyes. “Yes.” he breathed, blinking a few times in surprise. “She really is.”

[stevenrogered]

Okay, we’re about to get real deep here. Ready?

This immediately made me think of that Doctor Who quote, “Never trust a hug. It's just a way to hide your face.” 

Jesper often gets used as the comic relief and uses humor to deflect quite a bit. Even here, he makes a joke about “of course you’ll miss me.” He wants to let Inej know that it’s okay she’s leaving, that she doesn’t have to worry about him or Kaz, he’ll take care of them. 

But the second she can’t see him, his face betrays him. And the second she leaves, he starts to sob. Quietly, so she won’t hear and turn back. Because he knows that this is something she needs to do, and he knows how much it will hurt her to see how much it’s hurting him. It so beautifully portrays their relationship because yes, he’s Inej’s family, but she’s his too. 

[amsgrey]

it will be enough

requested: yes

Grisha power wasn't specified, so I picked a random one. (and by picked I mean I literally added them to a spin-the-wheel thing and went with it).

Spoilers for Season Two of Shadow And Bone

warnings: Not proofread or edited, Nikolai being jealous, fluff at the end, more things that I have forgotten

You met Nikolai when he was still parading as Sturmhond, the witty privateer who was all about money and fun. You had been locked alone in the hull of a slaver's ship for longer than you could remember, wasting away without food, water or the ability to summon. Everything had been a blur, shouting, fighting, and then you were being unchained and helped upstairs. You remembered the first time stepping into the sun after that whole time, it burnt your eyes and you had to shield them with your arm.

You had met Sturmhond on his own boat, someone had laid you in a cot and forced you to drink water. Then, a man in teal had asked you your name, told you you were safe and would have a place on his crew if you wanted it. You had taken him up on it, there was always a space for a Squaller on his crew. Nikolai grew to trust you, and put his faith in you as he did Tamar and Tolya. Since then, you would follow Nikolai anywhere he asked.

That included helping him bring peace back to Ravka with the Sun summoner. You had been hesitant to leave your comfortable life with the crew of the Volkvolny, but you loved Nikolai, you would go with him to the ends of the earth. You and Nikolai had been dancing around feelings for each other for almost as long as you had known each other. Tolya was always teasing you about it, reciting cliché poetry and watching you and Nikolai exchange stolen glances. You were sure they were unrequited feelings, so you never acted on them.

It only got worse after returning to Ravka and meeting with the rest of Nikolai's allies at the Spinning wheel. You saw the way he looked at Alina, the hope that lit up his eyes, she was all he needed now. You tried your best not to be hurt about it, you knew loving a prince would only lead to pain. He would never be able to love you back, a commoner. So you volunteered to join Tolya to travel to Ketterdam. You were born and raised in Kerch, and you had the strongest language skills out of all of the party.

Nikolai hadn't spoken to you since announcing his engagement to the sun summoner, it felt like he was avoiding you. He finally approached you on the Hummingbird the day you agreed to leave.

"Y/N?"

You turned to find him leaning against the railings, watching you prepare the sails for the journey. "Moi Tsar."

Nikolai cringed, "Not yet."

You smiled, walking over to join him, "Does that mean I can still can you Sobachka?" You laughed, playfully shouldering him like you would do on the Volkvolny.

Nikolai rolled his eyes, "What is your obsession with that name?"

You enjoyed watching him squirm, making fun of him was too easy some days, "I like calling you Sobachka, makes me think of you like a little cute pup."

Tolya interrupted you both before Nikolai could answer, "We getting this show on the road?"

Nikolai took an extra look at you and the bright smile you sported, "Be safe," He ordered, returning to his Prince persona.

"We'll bring back Neshyenyer," You promised.

Returning to Kerch and meeting the crows felt like a fever dream. Somehow, you slotted into their ranks easily, quickly becoming fast friends. You grew to enjoy Kaz's company as much as the others, something about spending time with someone else from Kerch, who really understood. Besides, he was serious and unwavering and you kind of enjoyed someone who was as serious as you.

After the events in Shu-Han, you were having second thoughts about staying around in Ravka after the war. Nikolai had everything he needed now and Kaz had offered you a place with the Crows if you wanted it. The only thing that was keeping you in Ravka was Nikolai, but why stick around to love someone who would never love you?

You jogged along with Kaz, Wylan and Jesper, headed towards where Nikolai was rumoured to be. You followed Kaz's lead as he peeked over a wall, watching three Grisha rounded on Nikolai and his forces.

"Wylan," Kaz turned to the boy, "Grenade."

Wylan handed it over to him, everyone watching him light the fuse.

"Y/N?"

You nodded, stretching out your hands to summon wind to propel the grenade to your target. You all watched it make its mark, blowing The Darkling's Inferni back until she lay dead on the battlefield.

Nikolai looked to Tamar, "Where did that come from?"

Kaz stood proudly, declaring, "My Demolitions expert."

You stood to his right, just as proud to be joining the fray.

"Expert?" Wylan mumbled, looking at Kaz. You all looked at him as he corrected himself, "I mean, yes. Expert."

You and Jesper smiled, amused by his fake confidence.

You all took a step forward, sliding down the shingled roof and dropping down the wall. You used your small science to soften everyone's fall, allowing you all to rush towards the gates. Jesper quickly worked on the rust that bound the gates closed, leading Wylan to the barricade Tamar, Nadia and Adrick hiding behind. You and Kaz headed opposite them, where Nikolai was crouched.

As you both rushed over, Kaz muttered, "What nightmare have we gotten ourselves into."

Jesper looked over at your group, "Why's Sturmhond here?"

Tamar frowned at him.

"Round here he goes by Nikolai."

"Nikolai Lantsov," Jesper realized, looking over to the man in question. Nikolai shrugged, you couldn't help the chuckle at Jesper's annoyed expression.

"All this time, close personal friend," He spun his pistols into his hands, preparing for a fight.

Nadia and Tamar looked about as confused as could be, "And you are?" Tamar pressed.

Wylan was tucked behind Jesper, his hand resting on his back, "You must be Tamar." He answered, "We came with your brother."

That didn't seem to make the woman any less confused, but she didn't press it any further.

You all watched the Darklings Squaller and Tide Maker rise to attack again. The tide maker raised her hands, drawing water from the sky to draw her attack. Jesper sprung into action first, followed by Adrick and Nadia who came to his support. Watching Jesper shoot would always entrance you, he was such a great shot, aided by his Durast abilities.

You were about to stand and join the fight when Nikolai stopped you, "Did you get Neshyenyer?"

You nodded, "Zoya, Nina and Inej are finding Alina, they'll get to her."

Nikolai nodded in relief, as you looked him over you realized there was blood staining his jacket.

You pressed your fingers to the blood, "Are you hurt?"

Nikolai followed your gaze to where your hand rested on the stain, "it's- It's not mine."

You looked up at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. You would ask more later, for now, there were more pressing matters than those you'd lost.

Jesper finished his attack on the Tidemaker with the buttons on his waistcoat, lashing out and turning them into their tiny blades. As you looked past Nikolai you watched the Squaler draw lightning to his palms, it crackled and hissed as he tried to amass it.

Kaz nudged you with his crow's head cane, handing it over for you to use as a conductor. You quickly jumped to your feet, rushing to Jesper's side and using Kaz's cane and your powers to channel the electricity. Lightning was notoriously unstable, It didn't react well to being controlled. You threw your hands up, forcing the lighting to connect the two of you through Kaz's cane, then expelling the power back into the storm clouds it came from. The more lightning the Squaller summoned, the harder you worked to draw it away. Eventually, he ceased, knowing he could not lash out with the electricity you too controlled.

"I have Datura Meloxia!" Wylan shouted.

"Wylan! Now."

The boy uncapped the vile, calling for Adrick and Nadia to help him propel the powder, "Air support!"

You and Jesper ducked to avoid the powder being swept into Grisha's face, watching him stumble around in glazed confusion before Tamar sent her axe into his head.

As the Tidemaker tried to fight back one last time, she realized just how effective Jesper's attack had been. Screaming at the realization her fingers were gone. Nikolai was appearing to the side, raising his pistol and firing one last bullet, taking down the final one of the darklings Grisha.

"It's done."

You and Jesper both let out matching sighs of relief. He bent over to retrieve his pistol, then dramatically threw his arm around your shoulders to pull you into a side hug.

"Thanks for that, gorgeous."

You smiled, "My pleasure, Handsome."

You joined Kaz and Nikolai, the two of them eyeing each other. You retrieved Kaz's cane from the mud, handing it over to him with a triumphant smile, "I believe this belongs to you, Brekker."

Kaz took it from you, twisting it in his hand as he admired the crow's head.

Nikolai looked from you to the man who you were grinning at, suddenly less pleased to see Brekker, "I didn't realize you were patriots."

"Well if you die, we don't get paid," Kaz said like it was the most straightforward answer. You couldn't help but laugh, after the stress of the fight and Kaz's arid sense of humour, you needed it.

Nikolai was sure he could listen to you laugh every minute of every day and never get sick of it. He hadn't heard it enough in the last few weeks, and it pained him. He longed for the evenings on the Volkvolny when the crew would laugh and drink without the looming threat of death and destruction.

Everyone smiled when Tolya appeared, pulling his sister in a crushing hug. Nikolai looked around his gathered allies.

"We have to find Alina. If Kirigan brought the fight here, he's gunning for her."

Tolya nodded, "I've cleared us a way into the fort. Come on."

You fell into step with Nikolai at the back of the group, his unofficial bodyguard for the fight you were about to delve back into. Nikolai couldn't help but spare you glances, you looked tired, the lightning summoning had worn you out. He wanted to stop, allow you to rest, and bring back the bright smile you almost always wore. He knew better, though, just plotting along silently beside your group.

You sat next to Tamar as everyone took a much-deserved breather.

"A moment of sun before we deal with out losses," Nikolai sighed, glancing over the wounded and dying that lay on the grass, "Dominik..."

Tamar comforted her friend quickly, "He did exactly what any of us would have done for each other."

"For you," You added, leaning over and grabbing Nikolai's hand. He glanced down at your clasped hands, giving a small squeeze as thanks.

You all looked up as Alina, Inej, Nina and Mal walked over the hill. Nina stayed by the wounded while Inej and Alina exchanged a few quick words. Alina chased after Mal, leaving Inej to inform the group.

Nikolai thanked the crows for their help, he took Tolya's arm and headed away to address the consequences. You were about to join when Kaz called your name.

You turned to the man, a small frown on your face, "Yes?"

"If you ever feel like coming back to Ketterdam," He spoke, "We would welcome a crow with your abilities."

Jesper and Inej both nodded, showing their support.

You couldn't help the smile that grew, "I'll think about it." You promised, taking your leave to follow after Nikolai and the others.

When you met up with Nikolai, he wouldn't meet your gaze. Looking at everyone else but you. He made preparations for the Darkling to be burned on a pyre, leading all of his most trusted allies to join him. It was strange, that it was all over. There was no more fold, no more bickering or fighting between otkazat'sya and Grisha, it was an entirely new beginning.

You wanted to stand by Nikolai as he addressed your small group, but there was something off about him. He still had yet to make eye contact with you, ignoring your small gestures of comfort. Eventually, you gave up, coming to stand next to Nina behind Alina.

As Nikolai finished his speech, Kaz led his crows away. Nina looked at you, knowing you needed the support. She took your hand, leading you away from the flames with the rest of the crows.

The gathered forces were celebrating as you all exited the sand that was once the fold. Offering all of you drinks and food. You couldn't find the energy to join the festivities, brushing off friends and fellow Grisha to find a quieter space.

You found yourself wandering until you reached the roof of the compound, finding a perch on the edge of a wall looking over the land around the compound.

You let out a quiet gasp in fright when Nikolai appeared at your side.

He quickly grabbed your arm, "Don't fall."

You smiled, "I won't. Probably."

Nikolai chuckled, joining you on the ledge. You were struck by how many times you would sit together like this on the Volkvolny.

"Shouldn't you go find a healer?" You asked, gesturing to the bandages wrapped around his leg.

Nikolai shrugged, "I needed to talk to you first."

You looked away, "About?"

Nikolai was staring at the horizon, clearly also struggling to find the courage to talk. Something had changed between you two for sure.

"What did Brekker say," Nikolai finally spoke after a long silence between you.

You glanced at him, the afternoon sun was illuminating his face. His hair was still cleanly combed back, neatly styled to make him look regal. His cheek was still bruised, the only thing that made him look like the Sturmhond you knew.

"He said if I ever wanted to go home, I had a place with the crows."

Nikolai nodded, "Home to Ketterdam?"

Nikolai knew how much you missed Kerch, you grew up in the countryside on a farm with your siblings. You had stopped in Ketterdam once or twice with the Volkvolny crew, but it wasn't the same as going back to live there.

"I know it sounds crazy," You fiddled with your hands, "I never thought it would be possible to go back, maybe now..."

Nikolai could relate to that, he never felt entirely at home in the Grand Palace, and he didn't think it would ever be possible to. Now he would rule there.

"When are you and Alina leaving for Os Alta?"

"Tomorrow," Nikolai replied, "Tamar and Tolya are taking over captainship of the Volkvolny."

You hummed, "I'm sure they're excited about that, Tolya can stop for all the snacks he wants."

Nikolai laughed, a carefree laugh that made you smile too.

You both sat in peaceful silence for a while, listening to the celebrations going on under your feet. You felt like there was something more to say like you both wanted the other to confess the feelings you shared.

You kept coming back to the fact Nikolai and Alina were engaged. You knew that it wasn't a love match, Alina loved Mal. But even so, they would be tied together for as long as it took for Ravka to rebuild. You were being childish if you thought you and Nikolai could be anything other than friends. And so you were thinking more and more about returning to Ketterdam, joining the crows. Leaving Nikolai would hurt, but it would hurt more watching Nikolai with Alina.

You eventually came to the conclusion there was nothing more you could say, Nikolai clearly did not share your feelings. You cleared your throat, stretching casually and then getting to your feet.

"They're probably missing us," You said, trying to hide your disappointment.

Nikolai didn't respond, staring out at the horizon a while longer.

"You should stay."

You almost didn't hear it, already a few steps away from Nikolai. You turned to face him, "What?"

Nikolai got to his feet and stood before you, giving you his full attention for the first time since leaving the Volkvolny.

"I want you to stay."

You struggled to find any words, gaping at the man before you.

Nikolai kept talking, "I know that I can't ask this of you, I know I Shouldn't. But seeing you with Brekker, the thought of you going to Ketterdam with him-"

Nikolai stopped when you giggled. He frowned at you, "What?"

"Nothing," You giggled.

Nikolai grabbed your hand, "What? Why are you laughing?"

You stifled your laugh, "Are you jealous of Kaz?"

Nikolai faked being offended, "Me? Jealous?"

"Oh, you so are," You cackled, getting a lot of amusement out of watching the Tsar squirm, "Nikolai Lantsov with his damnably handsome looks is jealous?"

Nikolai dropped your hand and threw his hands up in exasperation, "You are the worst."

You grinned, then remembered what he had asked. "Do you really want me to stay?"

Nikolai looked serious again, "I do. I want you to stay with me, by my side."

"But you're engaged to Alina."

Nikolai seemed to realize at the same time you did, he nodded solemnly, "We couldn't be anything to each other in public. At least, not until Alina and I end our engagement."

"You'll end your engagement?"

"It was always the plan," Nikolai explained, "She loves Mal. I love you. It's just for political-"

"You love me?" You cried before you could stop yourself.

Nikolai's face flushed, he scratched his neck sheepishly, "Yes."

"Well," You reached out and took his face in your hands, cupping his cheeks gently, "Aren't you lucky I love you too."

Nikolai's face burst into a cocky grin. He grabbed your waist, firmly holding onto you and dragging you closer to him. He reached one hand u to cup your cheek, guiding a thumb over your cheekbone tenderly.

"I can't believe you were jealous of Kaz," You teased, drunk on the feeling of being so close to Nikolai.

"Shut up," Nikolai scoffed, he leaned in and captured your lips in a kiss. He pulled you even closer until you were flush with his chest. You brought your hands to the back of his neck, twisting your fingers into his hair. You couldn't help but feel relief, the feeling of it washed over you. You had spent the last few days worrying about where you stood. This answered that gnawing fear, Nikolai felt the same.

Nikolai pulled away, pressing his forehead to yours. His arms wound around your waist, holding you close while he stared into your eyes.

Your face was flushed and you were breathless, "I have been waiting years for you to do that."

Nikolai smiled, "I've been wanting to do that for years."

You knew this wouldn't be the end of this discussion, about him and Alina. But for now, you were happy to follow him to Os Alta, to know he felt the same way. That would be enough for now.

[jakescakeislateforourdate]

Kaz Trying to Show Affection

Kaz Brekker x reader

⚠️WARNING⚠️: violence, blood and gore, touch aversion, kaz damn near passing out from a panic attack

Enjoy this garbage!

…

Mr. Brekker

Dirtyhands

Showing affection

It’s unthinkable

But affection, in some form, is necessary to a healthy relationship

Kaz isn’t stupid, clearly, and he knows he’ll have to either work through or find a way around his problems.

He’s also got too much pride to ask for help from his crew

So he starts with the verbal affection

Phase 1 step 1

“Come sit with me.”

“Come have a drink with me.”

“Help me with these plans will you.”

Invitations without threats

No ulterior motive other than your nearness

No black mailing

No money

This is his way of telling you that he cares for your company.

Whenever he wants comfort, he can’t vocalize it normally. It shows as ‘please’

“Please come closer.”

“Stay with me, please.”

step 2

“Hold my cane.”

“Hold my gloves.”

“Watch my hat so Jesper doesn’t try to swipe it.”

Trusting you with his prized possessions.

His cane especially, he’s trusting you to make sure nothing happens to it and that you get it to him when he needs it.

Then there’s the gloves. You know why he wears them. You understand why it’s hard for him to touch. It’s like he’s putting his heart into your hands.

He also thinks it’s adorable to see you clutching the worn leather gloves to your chest. You refuse the let them out of your hands because they are everything to Kaz and you won’t see them missing.

step 3

“That looks nice on you.”

“You should wear that color more often.”

“You always come through for me.”

Compliments

These aren’t hard for Kaz to think up. He always notices things he loves about you. He just needs practice at pointing them out

He has to do it when no one is around. So it’s less conspicuous

step 4

“Good morning, darling.”

“Sweetheart, have you got my gloves?”

“Come lay with me, my Honey.”

Pet names

Kaz needs you to know you’re special. And not just because of whatever skill set you add to the team, but because you really do mean something to him

He’d love it if you had one for him, only to be used in private.

Kaz also gets used to thanking you

“Thank you, darlin’”

Saying it is odd, he’s had to struggle and claw at everything he’s got. And for you to give something to him without him have to bleed for it

Babe, life is good

But it can get better

step 5

“I—I love you.”

This is the peak of his verbal affirmation. He can’t give you more than this. It’s admitting weakness.

What else do you want from Dirtyhands

Phase 2 step 1

Touching is a whole new battle

Oh how Kaz fights

It starts at his desk, across from each other. He sees your hand splayed on the table. Waiting. He slides his ungloved hand towards yours.

Fingertips brush. Just the tips.

He’s alright

The touch was so small and he trusts you so much

His breathing is deep but even

He leaves his hand touching yours for as the long as he can, which surprisingly is until he finishes studying some maps and a bit of paperwork

He works his way up from there

Clasping the ends of your fingers from about the second knuckle up.

Palms laying on top of each other

And finally, fingers interlocking

This is weeks of work right here

He’s so proud

He’d think to boast but it’s not in his nature

From there taking ahold of your arm or shoulder is pretty easy

He still gets panicky but he can manage

step 2

Kissing

Where to begin

Kaz has trouble breathing when you hold hands

How is he supposed to get close to your face with his and keep from hyperventilating

Oh but he tries

There’s several failed attempts that you both get a laugh out of

He’ll dip forward to kiss you and then chicken out, swaying back and snapping his fingers

He cusses himself out

It’s so cute

He’s giving it his best but Dirtyhands is struggling

One day he comes to and demands, “Just do it!”

You stare at him—wide eyed.

“What?”

“Just—kiss me.”

He’s standing stiff as a board. Fists clenched at his sides. Like he’s asking you to rip a bandage off.

You brag him but the waistcoat and pull him closer.

He closes his eyes, skin paling and shimmering with sweat. He’s already breathing hard.

“Come on.” He grits out.

You lay a gentle peck on his lips.

When you pull back, you pat his chest and he opens his eyes. They’re glossy. “Thank you—“ he breathes.

He’s practically drowning. But he just wanted to kiss you once.

He decides to start by kissing elsewhere first.

Your hand for starters

He’s comfortable with them. Eye contact becomes increasingly important. A way of communicating without speaking.

Next is your shoulder

Preferably when you’re getting dressed, he’ll lay a kiss on the skin before you tug on a shirt.

It’s brief. In passing. Easy.

Forehead comes next. Just above the brow and minimal contact.

Then the temple and jaw.

His lips brush so light they tickle. It’s so sweet to watch him. He often smiles afterwards. He’s triumphant, winning victory after victory.

It’s taken him months, maybe even years to get this far. And he’s so proud, so accomplished.

Your squishy cheeks are next. He actually enjoys nuzzling into the flesh. Planting wet kisses as he enjoys the sensation before the waters close in.

I forgot that he likes to kiss your nose, or tap it *boop* I have a feeling that his inner child always compels him to do it.

Then comes the lips.

Oh goody goody

You gave him that peck but he’s got to do it for himself

He does it as a surprise

He’s got to think of it terms he understands

Heists

He’s stealing a kiss

So into stealth mode he goes

You’re in the armchair reading, Kaz watches for a long time

Hyping himself up

There’s a break between when you lower the book to take a sip of water.

Excellent time to strike

He approaches as you reach for the cup

But then you clutch that stupid book in your hand while you drink

He’s about to have a fit

But no

He’s worked to hard for this

Besides, how many of his heists work with plan A

He stomps over, snatches the book from your hands, and captures your lips.

It’s so quick and messy

But he got the job done

When he stands back up, his lips glisten and he just nods

Congratulating himself

Bastard

The last type of kiss is the hardest

Your throat, when he first met you he wanted to slit it open and now—

Well he’d given anything to touch his lips to it

But this almost always proves too much

I think it’d be the proximity of contact

With every other kiss he can isolate the touch

But when he leans in to kiss your neck, your jaw and shoulder are standing guard

You tilt your head to the side and drop your shoulder but still

This type of kiss never ends well, usually with him scampering off to fight a panic attack

But the feel of his velvety soft lips is intoxicating

Phase 3

Gift giving

Like a crow, if you reward him he will bring back trinkets time and again.

Little snacks he nabs from street vendors

Pretty jewelry he swipes on heists

Your favorite paintings he robs from museums and manors.

Pretty things he finds

All for you

This is simple and easily in his wheel house

He likes to steal pretty hair clips and ribbons, sometimes right out of a girl’s hair, at clip them into your hair himself.

He really likes to play with your hair whether it’s long or short.

He likes to slide rings onto your fingers

Slap bracelets on your wrists

Clip a necklace around your neck

And if you’re sitting down, he’ll lift one of your feet into his lap and slip and anklet around your ankle.

You’ll wake up to tea and waffles at your bedside

He’ll leave his coat draped over the arm of your favorite reading chair on cold days

He’s even allowed you to wear his gloves when he notices that stuffing your hands in your pockets is no longer keeping them warm

Speaking of pockets

Kaz slips stuff in there all the time

You name it, he’s probably stuck it in your pockets at least once

Usually little snacks and small trinkets but he once managed a whole waffle without you noticing

Creeps you out a little bit he’s trying his best

Phase 4 Injury

This hurts kaz the most because he knows you need him and he’s can’t hardly touch you

It kills him inside

But your blood on his hands will live forever in his memory like Jordie

He freezes up

He’s helpless

This is one of the rare times you’ll see him cry

He’s so lost and scared and it actually shows through the cracks of his facade

He watches you bleed and just cries

Once you get treated he’s by your side all the time. Waiting on you hand and foot

Many times you’ve woken up to him holding your hand while he’s dead asleep sitting in a chair next to your bed

He’ll change his bandages, prying away the soiled dressings and applying new ones. It’s his apology for being useless

About that crying, if you bring it up he just shakes his head and changes the subject

He won’t give on that, you are hurt right now and his focus is completely on you

Phase 5 cuddling + hugging

When you’re bothered encumbered with layers of clothing it’s surprisingly easy, he asks you to put your arms around him, so he doesn’t think of his brother’s dead body

He’ll stroke the back of your head and kiss your temple.

When he does get the strength to hug you back, it’s gentle

He just rests his arms on you

Then the coats come off and he has to do it all over again

Laying in bed together takes a long time but once he gets there he wants to try spooning, him being the little spoon

A because when he holds you he gets the sense of floating with his brother Jordie

And B because he likes to be held

Cuddling must be planned

None of that surprise business

He wants to see you coming

Touches must be light for the cuddles to last

He can’t stand being smothered

Now whenever Kaz does hold you, he’s cradling you like a sack of Kruge

Talk about princess treatment

Finally Phase 6 showering and bathing

Note that this portion contains nudity but no actual smut

This arguably takes the longest to get to in the relationship

You didn’t even think to bring it up

In fact it was him who asked you to showering with him

Bare, wet skin

The lights are low, candles burning at their ends.

Kaz has you turned with your back to him. He washes your hair. His fingers ghost over the nape of your neck and your shoulders.

Damn he’s so in love with you it’s not even funny

See you so close to him, so intimately, is nerve racking

He’s got you turned away so you can’t see the panic in his eyes. He’s battling it as watches droplets of water run down your skin.

The water his warm, steam clouds the glass walls. You are warm, so unlike a corpse

For a moment he’s not touch you at all,

And then his lips are pressed to the bone at the base of your neck.

Neither of you say anything

You just let the kiss live in the moment and stay unlabeled

As for bathing

This is a hard one, the submersion, body against body, this is probably the one thing he can never do

It’s to much like the barge. To much like clutching onto Jordie it that awful harbor.

So don’t ever expect a bath with him. You may help him on occasion. When he’s sore from a mission

If you’ll wash his hair and knead his shoulders, he’ll be grateful but there’s no getting in the tub with each other.

Now there’s the stuff you don’t see

We all know about Kaz fingering out some dude’s eye because he stabbed Inej.

But if it were you instead of Inej

Kaz has done unspeakable things in your name

Some bastard looking at you for too long

Kazzle Dazzle is instantly jealous

A good beating ought to do the trick.

If someone were to lay their hand on you, they better say goodbye to that hand

There may be a few people walking around Ketterdam missing one or two limbs

Kaz doesn’t tell you about these things

He prefers you not to know Dirtyhands

If you have guy friends though, you better watch it because them besties may learn a few things from Kaz

[bartonbones]

i want to say it louder than in the tags but the way the poison scene is like. yes inej's deepest desire is to be known and to be trusted and to know and to trust and to be disarmed and to disarm someone else and most of all for someone to ask permission and wait for her to grant it, and that she wants that person to be kaz, but she knows it's a dream because she knows kaz isn't ready to do that yet, and even if she's dreaming, even if it's in her own head, she refuses to force him...she'll wait for him, she'll wait for him for longer than she should but she's not going to force him, ever, even in her own dreams, because she knows what that feels like--so she wakes up, she fights it, i love that she's the only one who is able to do that, the only one who has mastered herself enough to recognize when a dream is a dream who has the agency and the strength and desire to live for herself and make her own choices and take her own power even when there is no one there to take it from...

and then for her to know that kaz is going to have to be touched against his will, and to know that she's the one who has to do it, and the fact that it's true, that she's the only one kaz would let pull him out of that--because at the end of the day all this self-mastery and agency and power that kaz brekker forces himself to believe that he has pales in comparison to the woman who has been through unimaginable violations and yet reclaims her own body and her own physicality, even though it has been every bit as hard for her as it had ever been for him, becuase at the end of the day inej is the only person he trusts understands that in himself, that weakness that sits just beneath the surface, and the only person who understands how to protect it, who might, even, one day, understand how to heal it...

the fact that for a few seconds, in-between the past and the present, in-between life and death, kaz brekker feels someone touching him and is relieved when he sees that it's her. for a few seconds that trust and that love and that understanding breaks through the panic and she holds him, just for a second, and for a just second kaz brekker remembers that touch can be a comfort, can be a respite, can be something that reminds you there is something outside of your fear rather than being the epicenter of it...

and then it's gone. it's gone and he panics and it's too much and he stands up and he doesn't look at her and he lies about what he saw, becuase it's always going to be two steps forward one step back with these two, but that moment was there, and it existed, and for maybe the first time he really can connect this idea, that there is a future for him and touch, just like there was a future for inej, and that there could be a future for them both, and does he want that? does he? he wants--he wants-- etc. etc. and so forth i'm going insane

[lady-ashfade]

Reaction/HC’s: Aura reading reader.

Characters: Kaz brekker, nina zenik

Prompt: Using your powers on them for the first time.

Notes: Pictured female reader, this can be read as romantic if you want out up to that, the reader being sweet and kind. I could do more like this! (Pretty sure I use female terms)

Warnings: Panic attacks, comfort, little bit of angst

Kaz brekker:

Kaz hated when you first started working for him, he liked to keep his emotions to himself and never let anyone see them. But then here you are who can sense them without trying, he made you swear to never read any of his thoughts and to keep him so far away from your thoughts.

But when he heard of you it was just perfect, a new talent to have on his team. You could add so much and make thinks much easier. He had to make you one of his crows.

You kept your promise to him and never looked into his feelings or thought, to your abilities. He was a strange man to you and you wanted to figure him out, but you didn’t use your powers. You swore to do it yourself.

But at times he was just to loud. His emotions taking over himself and you couldn’t push the thoughts away. It was usually anger and sorrow, not the best mix. He was always angry but more times then others.

But as the two of you grew together and he began to trust you. He was more then a boss, the others more then friends, they were your family.

Sitting in your room calmly reading a book, your back pressed to the wall as your scan the pages. Then the overwhelming feeling of panic filled your body, out of nowhere you begin to gasp for air. Your head light and spinning around as your lungs and stomach dropped.

That’s when you knew it was kaz.

His room was right next to yours, clearly he was having a panic attack and it was so strong for you to feel. Making your way out of bed and out the room to see him, you burst open his door and look for him. “Kaz?” His body dropped on the floor as he pressed a hand to his heart, it was a hard sight.

“Kaz, it’s okay. I can help,” dropping to your knees you move just a few inch forward and staying away from him. You didn’t want to spook him. “I know it’s hard right now and the world is caving in, I need you to look at me okay.” You hated the pain in your heart but you calmed yourself quickly as to help him.

His eyes finding yours slowly, his breaths getting louder and louder. “I can ease your mind, make you calm down. Can I do that?” Asking him softly. It surprised you when a few seconds later his head nodded and his eyes closed, he was feeling guilt in that second.

After you had calm him down you sat back and took a breath as he tried to catch his. Sweat dripped down his hair and face, his shoulders rising and falling. But he was calm. Just too much for him to handle. He looked over at you when he collected himself, “Thank you.”

You turn to him and smile, “Kaz brekker, I didn’t mean to make you that calm. You never say those words.” He rolled his eyes and his face went back to its normal expression. “I will never do it again.” You laughed at his reply. “Kaz, I will always help when I can. I mean that is what you pay me for,” you grin as he looks into your eyes, “But you’re welcome.”

You could almost see a soft smile on his lips as he stares at you, almost.

“Never speak a word about this to everyone, or the only thing you will feel is pain.” 

“Glad to see you’re back to normal, boss.”

Nina zenik:

She understood to a level of what you must feel like. The heartrender was overall so fascinated by what you could do but felt sorry for you at times. Sometimes it was easy for her to hear someone else heartbeat if it was too fast.

She could also tell what someone might feel just my listening to their hearts, but you went beyond that. It was beautiful to her.

She took a liking to you from the moment she met you, you were nothing but kind. She felt protective over you, she was by far your best friend.

Nina asked you a lot of questions about what you could do and how it works, showing you what she could do as well. Often you went on walks together with just her being a listening ear or you being her output.

Needless to say she understood you completely, she was offended worried for your well being. Always feeling what others feel, hearing their wants or sorrow, must be hard for you. But you assured her that it was very few moments where you get beyond overwhelmed. You stayed in your room at the crow club and only went out for jobs, but you felt happy to know she was by your side.

The wind blowing her hair and yours, the cold breeze cooling your warm skin as the moon shined down. She was sitting right next to you with a bottle in her hand as she giggled at a joke you two had said.

“What’s it like, in Kaz’s mind?” She asked curiously. You shrugged and smiled, “I try not to listen or think about it. But I can say most of the time he feels how he looks, that’s all I wish to say.” Taking the bottle from her hand you took a sip.

She hummed in response and looked out into the small patch of grass, it was nice to take a breath. “What’s it like for me?” Turning her head to look at you, her eyes filled with wonder and curiosity. You smile at her softly and looked away for a moment thinking of what to say.

“I don’t go into people heads unless I’m asked, unless I can’t control it. But,” leaning back on your hands. “You’re offended a comfort to be around, it’s like your happy a lot. Just smiling and enjoying things when you can, especially around food. But there times…” you paused and shook your head to not go any further.

“But what? You can’t just stop like that.” She shouted and pushed her shoulders against yours playfully mad. You laughed in defeat. “Fine, don’t beat me up.” Throwing your hands up.

 “You get sad, defeated and it’s easy for me to feel. Then the only thing I hear is his name, like your mind is only speaking of him. I understand it though, but I want you to know we will get him out.” You place your hand on hers.

She stayed quiet and her emotions dropped, you knew you shouldn’t have said anything. “Look I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have said it, I know it’s hard for you to-”

“Make me feel like he’s with me again.”

You stopped and looked at her as her eyes begged you. Then hand you held gripped yours, “Please.” She whispered. “Nina…” you sighed as her eyes glanced over your face. Her sad eyes pleading for a release from the pain and to feel that light again.

“Lay down.” You caved in and she smiled and did as you said quickly and her mood getting better. “Think of a memory you have of him, something only of joy. Just focus on the good things.” She closed her eyes and you place your hand on her head, closing your eyes as well.

The sound of laughing and muffled talking, the feeling of warmth and happiness overflowed within you. You brought out the feeling of her body just like the memories in her mind like she was truly their again.

You heard her giggle from below you and her body move, only living in the past. You felt happy you could do this for her even if it was temporary. She stayed like that for a few minutes of just comfort, like he was with her again.

Thank the saints for you.

[bi-bard]

Atlantic - Kaz Brekker Imagine [Shadow & Bone]

Title: Atlantic

Pairing: Kaz Brekker X Reader

Based On: Atlantic

Word Count: 1,124 words

Warning(s): touch aversion, mention of anxiety

Summary: Kaz goes to (Y/n) for help in preparing for the upcoming heist, much to (Y/n)'s confusion. Luckily, all is made clear soon enough.

Author's Note: I find it fascinating how different my perception of this song after just a matter of months.

Part One of "June" [Release Date: 7/3/2023]

Part Three of "June" [Release Date: 7/7/2023]

YEARBOOK - SLEEPING AT LAST WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

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Having Kaz show up at my door once was strange.

Having him show up twice was alarming.

It was a few days after I had been taken off of the job. Kaz had kept me largely informed. He told me what they were after and how they were going to travel. I took it all to be a rare act of kindness on his part.

"I thought you were leaving for the job," I said as soon as I opened the door.

"After sunset," he corrected.

"You told me before sunrise. I-"

"You what?"

I held my tongue. He knew what I was going to say.

I had gone to wait for them. I had tried to hide away until it would have been too late for them to turn me away.

"You lied to me," I replied.

"Call it preemptive," he looked to the side. "Are you going to let me in?"

I let out a small huff before stepping to the side for him to walk in. I closed and locked the door behind him.

"I need a favor," he said simply.

"You want me to do you a favor after you just admitted that you lied to me?"

"I wouldn't have needed to lie if I could trust that you weren't going to try to sneak onto the mission."

I rolled my eyes. "What do you want?"

"I need to learn how to dance," he explained. "Properly. It's the only way that Nina and I will be able to make it beyond the main room."

"You want to learn to dance well enough to fool many who have been preparing for these kinds of events their whole lives in a matter of hours... with your hurt leg," I asked. "And you want to do that dance in a room crowded with people with someone that you despised touching your hand for a matter of seconds?"

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Yes."

"Is this another attempt at that secret comedy career?"

He just raised an eyebrow at me.

I ran my hands over my face. "Well, forgetting the major flaws with this plan... why not ask Nina to help?"

I saw him tense a bit.

"Kaz-"

"You know more," he cut me off bluntly. I saw how uncomfortable he seemed. "It's a better choice."

I took a moment to let my eyes scan him. "Okay. You'll need a place for your cane."

"Inej is going to meet us and get it back to me."

"I see," I nodded.

I watched him lean the cane against the wall. I had to stop myself from rushing forward to help him as he stepped back toward me. Instead, I waited until he was right in front of me. I held one hand out to him, waiting for him to place his hand in mine.

I watched him take a deep breath as he did so.

I reached up and touched his shoulder, now feeling him tense instead of merely seeing it.

"Are you alright," I asked quietly.

He slowly nodded. "Yes. I'm fine."

I nodded. I felt his hand touch my side. "Still alright?"

"Yes."

"If your movements are subtle enough, no one will even notice the limp," I suggested. "Just... follow me. You're a smart man. I'm sure that you'll get a hand of it."

I expected the entire thing to last a matter of minutes before Kaz decided to step away.

I was wrong.

I was so worried about scaring him. Kaz would never admit to being scared. I knew that. But I could see it. Maybe it was more obvious than he meant for it to be, maybe I had just grown to see it.

The movements were small. Only enough to be noticeable. I didn't want him to hurt himself at all. He probably despised the idea of me being so protective of him, but I couldn't help it. It was a natural consequence of spending so much time with the Crows. I worried about all of them, but with Kaz, it was more intense.

Sometimes I believed that was because of his hatred for people looking out for him.

I don't know when the energy in the room shifted.

Or when we stopped moving.

It was all very tense. But not in the same way that it had been before.

Before it was all anxiety. My fear of upsetting Kaz meeting with his fear of touch, which he would never admit to.

But this new tension wasn't anxiety. Or it wasn't anxiety on its own. It was something much more intense... something deeper.

"Kaz," I muttered after realizing that we were just in front of each other.

He didn't reply.

He stared at me silently.

My eyes nervously fluttered around the different parts of his face while his eyes remained hooked on mine. I felt my skin warming up under his gaze. Saints, it was unfair that he got to have such an obvious impact on me.

I felt his hand move in mine. His hold flexed a bit.

I turned to look at our hands. I assumed that he was uncomfortable. I looked back at him and went to pull my hand back.

I didn't get a chance to do that.

As soon as I went to pull back, Kaz leaned forward. I didn't have a chance to react to his movements before his lips brushed mine. It was only a few seconds at most before he leaned back again. As if he had moved out of some kind of instinct before he suddenly snapped out of whatever state he had been in.

He quickly pulled away from me. His hands dropped from me, his eyes went slightly wide, and he turned away from me entirely.

"Kaz," I said quietly as he went to grab his cane.

"I must go," he replied.

"Wait, Kaz-"

"Goodbye."

He walked out, only stopping to clumsily unlock my door. I had never seen him show any sign of being clumsy before. Not like that.

As the door slammed behind him, I felt a deep breath escape me.

The tension and anxiety hadn't followed him. If anything, they had only amplified.

I closed my eyes.

I couldn't get my thoughts in order. I was scrambling. Through the complete silence around me, it felt like my brain was yelling. I should have gone after him. I should have followed him and made him speak to me then and there.

I couldn't. I couldn't get my feet to move forward at all.

All I could do was stand there and let it all overwhelm me.

And hope that I would get to talk about that moment before Kaz did something very, very stupid.

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[true-bluesargent]

how are people deluding themselves that the six of crows spinoff could have in any way shape or form been faithful to the books. it's already so ridiculous how they were like "guys sorry shadow and bone season 2 sucks BUT if you want us to make a six of crows show that we promise will actually be good then we need renewal!!!!" like first of all why would we trust you to make a good six of crows show after this and second of all. the existence of shadow and bone netflix makes a good six of crows adaptation impossible anyway! the casting is not good (no matter how much you try to convince yourself that 30-year-old, able-bodied freddy carter is the perfect kaz brekker), and they used up all of the meaningful scenes from six of crows and crooked kingdom as surface level throwaway moments in season 2. i don't know how people can't see that the end of shadow and bone season 2 did NOT in any way set up the story ready for the ice court heist. why would inej even need to participate in the heist now? she's free she is killing slavers on a pirate ship that was her ENDING at the end of crooked kingdom. wylan and jesper are already together and happy so there's no reason for jesper to join the heist out of misplaced love and loyalty to kaz, and he could get money to pay off his gambling debts from smaller jobs in ketterdam. we already saw kaz's entire backstory and he already GOT REVENGE ON PEKKA ROLLINS. that is literally his primary motivation for the entire duology so why would he now go on a ridiculously dangerous and near-impossible heist when he got what he wanted already and the money doesn't matter to him anymore. and nina only wanted to do the heist in the first place to help get matthias out of hellgate, but if nobody else needs or wants to do anything about it what the hell would be the point. in conclusion it's good that they didn't get to make a six of crows spin off show because it would have fucking sucked! just reread the books

[heliads]

inej ghafa x fem!reader?? I feel like things like this are missing on tumblr. kaz and reader are a duo and many consider them a couple but r likes inej and inej likes r. just something where kaz is tired of hearing his best friend talking about his other best friend and decides, in his own way, to play "cupid" so they can finally leave him alone. i really need to see kaz being "cupid's best friend" to both of them and being secretly happy for them (male-female friends exist, nobody remembers??)

male-female friends DO exist, speak on that anon

masterlist

“I think Kaz Brekker is going to kill me.”

This is not an unusual announcement to make in the Barrel. The fact that you’re saying this aloud to an empty room, although odd, is again not something that happens infrequently. Dirtyhands has a reputation for going after anyone who slights him, and he doesn’t accept apologies when he can take something a little more permanent, like a life. Many of his victims are prone to complaining via soliloquy.

The only difference between you and the dozens of Ketterdam residents currently pacing restlessly in fear of Kaz’s wrath is the response such a statement receives. When you make your pronouncement, instead of being greeted by the rustle of wind against the eaves or an ominous feeling in the pit of your stomach, you’re answered by the Wraith herself.

Inej chooses to respond to you instead of retreating back to the Slat to tell Kaz his latest fear campaign has worked, unlike how she’d treat anyone else. Although she wasn’t visible in the room, the second you speak aloud to the seeming emptiness, Inej appears in a flash of dark fabric, crouched on your window ledge, and says, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

You frown at her. “I am not being ridiculous. I think he actually means it this time.”

Inej rolls her eyes, slipping into your room through the window you’re pretty sure was locked from the inside when you were last here. “That’s just his usual friendly demeanor. You’ve known him even longer than I have, Y/N, you can’t possibly think that he means you any harm.” 

You grimace. “See, that’s what I thought too. I mean, I met Kaz when we were both kids, I’ve kind of taken our friendship for granted. He’s never so much as stubbed my toe with his cane.”

Inej frowns. “So what changed?”

“It’s happened a few times now,” you admit. “He keeps saying stuff about how something with me has got to change, and if I don’t get around to it, he’ll fix the problem I’ve created. He wasn’t joking, Inej. Whatever I’ve done, he’s not inclined to back down until he gets it sorted out, and you know how Kaz likes to solve his problems.”

Inej winces. “Kaz threatens a lot of people. You can’t take it too much to heart.”

“If you were there, you would know,” you grumble. “He seemed, like, genuinely unhappy. He said that my problem was starting to cast a pall on his reputation. He said I was making it his concern. Usually, he trusts me to sort out my issues, but this– this was different.”

Inej must be able to sense your genuine concern, because her expression softens and she walks forward, placing a soft hand on your shoulder. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean it. Kaz has a lot on his plate. You’re his best friend, Y/N, or so Kaz would say if he would let himself rely on anyone. He doesn’t want you dead.”

You lean into her palm. Just like always, it brings comfort like nothing else. Just like always, you can’t help but chase the warmth of her touch, wishing for more that you may never receive. Not as a friend. Not just this. “You’re his best friend, too. Have you heard anything?”

Inej shakes her head. “Not a word. I can ask, though. Discreetly, of course.”

You smile. “Of course. I trust your secret ways, you know that.”

Inej laughs, and pulls away after a heartbeat, although her eyes follow the place her hand had been for a while longer. “I think I’ll talk to him now. I don’t want you worrying for no reason.”

You let out a grateful sigh. “Thank you, Inej. I mean it.”

She flashes you a grin as she heads back towards the window. “Anytime, Y/N. One more question, though,” she adds, perched halfway in your room and halfway in the open air of the Kerch streets, “How did you know I was here? When you first said you thought Kaz was going to kill you, I mean, how’d you know I would hear it? I didn’t make a sound.”

You lift a shoulder. “I just did.”

Inej frowns crossly. “I need to know so I can improve my skills. What gave it away?”

You grin. “Maybe I didn’t know. Maybe I was just talking to myself.”

Inej scoffs. “You don’t do that.”

She says it with absolute certainty, the product of enough time spent watching from the shadows. “What if I knew when you were watching so I only talked to empty rooms when I knew you weren’t around?” You ask, laughing.

“That still brings us back to the subject of how you always know when I’m there,” Inej points out.

You wave a hand vaguely around. “I don’t know. Honestly. I just feel it, I guess.”

Inej considers this, still crouched on the window ledge, her heels over empty air, her knuckles brushing the cracking paint. You walk closer so you can get a better look at her. The midnight moonlight clings to her hair, her skin; it’s not just you who doesn’t want to let her go, or so it seems. Inej smiles at you, fond, and then she’s gone, disappearing into the empty night air. You surge to the window, but even after sticking your head out and looking around, you can’t spot one flicker of movement. She has simply vanished, as if from the very country itself.

You don’t know that you could respond any better to Inej’s question even if you were ready for it. You never have been able to put a proper name to the sensation you get whenever Inej is nearby. Some could call it infatuation, others could refer to it as a good friendship, but it’s more than that. Inej is the person you look to first in a firefight. Inej is the one you want to see when you have the day off, when you’re finally safe from a dangerous job. It’s her. Always has been.

You started looking for her in earnest the day you realized that the feelings you had for her were more than just platonic. After that, it was easy. Inej is not so pedestrian as to reveal herself in a shower of loose roof tiles, nor a kicked pebble on the street, but she is still human. If you really try, you can hear her in the quiet of perfect stillness. The brush of cloth against cloth. One held breath. Even secrecy makes noise, and you’ve memorized every way to tell it’s her when a shadow lingers nearby.

You don’t get a response until the next morning. You’re idling on the cobblestoned streets, pretending to wait for a friend but really watching the flow of pigeons from the Dime Lions’ club to the Dregs’. You tuck your face into your hand to hide a yawn, and when you look back up, blinking against the crisp wind, Inej is by your side, leaning against the railing of a bridge just a step or two away. 

“‘Morning, Inej,” you greet her. “Sleep well?”

She smiles, closing her eyes so she can tilt her head back and bask in the meager few rays of morning sun that have managed to break through the dense clouds that usually block out Ketterdam sunrises. “You know,” she says absentmindedly, “I really do like that about you. Everyone else just demands information whenever I show up. You say hello.”

You feel the corners of your lips flicker up in a traitorous smile despite your best attempts not to respond to the compliment. “Is it terrible if I ask for information on your conversation with Kaz now, then?”

Inej laughs, shaking her head. “No, that's why I’m here. I think you’re right to be scared, by the way.”

You freeze slightly. “You actually think he’s going to kill me? Inej, I thought you were here to reassure me that everything was fine, not confirm my fears.”

Inej ponders this. “I don’t think he’s actually going to kill you. Just shake you up a little, maybe. I think he was more mischievous than genuinely threatening.”

This doesn’t make you feel any better. “Kaz’s idea of a fun parlor joke is stabbing someone through the hand. I’m going to need a little more evidence of his support of me before I sleep well at night again, thank you very much.”

Inej shrugs. “I think it’s very unreasonable for you to want to feel safe around Kaz Brekker, but everyone has to have their dreams, I suppose. If you want an indication of his favor, though, he’s assigned both of us to a job.”

This does grab your attention. Kaz would only trust you with Inej on a job if he really believed in you. Of course, he could be sending Inej to kill you, but you don’t think she’d do that. Inej would never hurt you. She’s pledged that before, and you made the same promise to her. 

We all come to the Barrel for terrible, terrible reasons, and sometimes those reasons make themselves known in long and awful nightmares. Sometimes, when you wake up screaming, you need a friend who will never hurt you. Someone you can trust unconditionally. Sometimes, when one girl wakes up in a haze of bad memories, tears hot on her face, she needs another girl to hold her until the shaking stops. A girl to promise that there will be someone else in the world who will watch after her, who will keep the endless fears at bay. It was you for Inej, and it was Inej for you.

So no, then– if Inej was asked to hurt a hair on your head, she would not only refuse but protect you from other would-be assassins. The only answer is to then trust that this mission of Kaz’s is not designed to hurt either of you.

“Alright,” you say, shrugging your shoulders, “What does he want from us?”

He doesn’t provide you with an awful lot of information, that Dirtyhands. Inej tells you an address, a room, an object, and a time. You both head to your destination. There isn’t much security at all, hardly any passersby, so you’re able to slip in without difficulty. Once inside the designated room, you notice that there’s not much inside, just some simple furniture and a note on the desk.

The note you read with increasing indignance. Inej, who has been scouting out the room’s perimeter, glances over at you with concern when you fling the paper back against the desk. “What is it?”

“This is a trap,” you tell her, furious, “And it’s all Kaz’s doing.”

Inej furrows her brow, then softly pads across the room to pick up the note and read it herself. You can tell from the swiftly changing expression on her face alone what she’s discovering, having practically committed the note to memory yourself.

Dear Y/N and Inej,

I have had enough. Both of you have something that you need to tell each other. I have grown tired of both of you tiptoeing around it, so you won’t be leaving until I hear you say it.

K.B.

Both you and Inej turn in unison to stare at the door, but before either of you can start towards it, you hear the door lock with an audible click. You glance towards the window, but Inej shakes her head. “Locked from the outside. He must have specifically chosen this room and secured it beforehand so none of us can get out. It’s basically a holding cell.”

You yell some choice insults at Dirtyhands in general, but you only hear a soft, low laugh from behind the door, which is incredibly frustrating. You pivot slowly back to Inej, who is swaying slightly back and forth on the balls of her feet.

“Well,” you say as casually as you can, “I guess we have to say something to each other, then. That’s it, though, and then we can leave.”

“Yes,” Inej says evenly. “But what to say?”

You have a terrible feeling building in the pit of your stomach, something telling you that you know exactly what Kaz wants you to say to Inej. It might have something to do with the feelings you keep burying whenever she’s around, but the note said that both of you had to say this thing, and there’s no way that Inej could ever– she wouldn’t feel the same way, no. It must be something else, then.

“Any idea what Kaz would want from us? You’re pretty up to date on his motives,” you mention cautiously.

Inej looks studiously at the ground. “You’ve known him for longer. Maybe you would have a better guess than me.”

The floor receives your stare as well. It’s easier than looking her in the eyes. Easier than trying to make a guess as to whether or not she could possibly love you. Inej takes to prodding the door and window for possible gives, even attempting to see if the ceiling could be pushed aside to make room for escape, but no luck.

You plead weakly with her as she attempts to unscrew the hinges of the door with one of her knives. “Is whatever he wants you to say to me really that bad that you would go to all this trouble to avoid it?”

Inej stills, her hand still on the frame of the door. “You have no idea what he wants me to say.”

“But you do,” you counter, “Don’t you?”

“It’s about you,” she whispers. “It could be terrible.”

“If it’s you,” you tell her, “It could never be terrible.”

Slowly, carefully, Inej turns to look at you. Her eyes are wide and haunted. It occurs to you that maybe you were wrong, maybe she is here to kill you in some sort of way. She could hurt you without ever drawing blood. It would be easy at a time like this, with your entire body thrumming in the wild, desperate hope that the secret Inej must share is something that you have to tell her as well.

Her voice is quiet, barely even a sigh, when she speaks at last. “He knew that I love you.”

It is strange, how even with your mad hopes and prayers, you’re still absolutely consumed by the knowledge that Inej Ghafa loves you when it is finally confirmed aloud. You go completely quiet, mind racing with this incredible knowledge. Inej owes nothing to the world. She defies gravity, she defies nations. She gives nothing if she can take it, but Inej– Inej has given you her heart, free of charge, and it is the most lavish and lovely gift you could ever hope to own.

Whatever reaction Inej was hoping for, she must not find it in your awestruck face, because she abruptly turns to the door and knocks on it loudly. “I told her,” she says crossly, although you swear you detect a little bit of fear undercutting her words, “Now let me out.”

“Not yet,” you plead with her. “He can’t let you go yet. Not until I tell you that I love you, too.”

This time, Inej doesn’t turn slowly. Instead, it’s as if she’s crossed from the door to you in half a second. “Really?”

Inej never doubts herself, nor the information she gathers. Still, the look of pure joy on her face when you repeat your feelings makes her ask again, and again. You have no problem answering her. For once, you are not afraid.

The door clicks open. You glance towards it. “Footsteps on the landing.”

Inej lets out a quiet half-laugh. “Let him go. It would be sporting to give him a head start before we chase him down for pulling a stunt like this.”

You grin in response. “Still, I suppose we shouldn’t be too devastating in our wrath. Who knows how long we would have kept this a secret.”

Inej tilts her head to the side, considering this. “I don’t know. I’m rather good at finding out secrets.”

You arch a brow. “Is that so? How long do you think I’ve loved you, then?”

Inej beams. “Tell me.”

You impulsively reach out a hand, smoothing back a dark lock of hair from her face. “Since the very start.”

This is only the first of many such secrets. Inej has yet to learn just what made you love her, or where you were when you figured it out, or even perhaps how you learned to tell when she’s trying to sneak up on you. Until then, however, you have no doubt that she’ll commit herself to figuring out every intricacy that makes up the girl she loves. You. Until then, you welcome the challenge.

grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @story-scribbler, @retvenkos, @mayfieldss, @eclliipsed, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy, @auggie2000, @baju69, @crazyhearttragedy, @budugu, @aoi-targaryen

all tags list: @wordsarelife

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Song: I will wait for you- mumford and sons

“After a long, hard and lonely day: he can finally be in your arms again.”

Reader x ….

Options: Nikolai, Matthias, Kaz, Tolya

Hear me out, Matthias and Kaz, one established relationship, one pining because apparently I want to feel pain. xoxo.

This Action Echos - Matthias Helvar , Kaz Brekker.

Content Warnings: Unrequited Love Trope. Not Beta/ Proof Read. Love Confessions At Inconvenient Times. Kaz Opening His Mouth. Explicit Language.

Your legs are resting up beside you on the chaise longue in the back of the club, hiding away in the back room, awaiting for the crows to return.

Being benched wasn't something you were taking personally, you knew that Kaz had run the odds, and you were better suited to staying back, but it didn't stop you worrying about them all. Nothing could stop you worrying about them all.

The waiting is unbearable, and you have nothing that successfully fills your time, allowing you to stop yourself thinking about all the things that could be going wrong. You trusted them all implicitly, they've all gotten themselves out of situations they never should have survived, far too many times to think they were anything short of lucky. But you cannot help but linger on the way Matthias likes to suggest their luck will not last forever, that eventually it has to run out. But it has become easy to believe they were charmed, your little family of misfits and renegades. It would be easier for you all to go down together than believe any one of you could fall alone.

Your heart jumps, threatening to push it's way out of your chest and greet them before your feet can pull you to the door, when it opens. Jesper is the first through the door, cracking the end of a joke. "You waited, that's sweet of you darling, were you worried about me?" he smirks.

"Always, what if you miss a shot?" you tease, pulling him into a hug.

"You wound me more than any enemy when you say things like that," he returns your hug, squeezing you that little bit tighter to let you know he missed you, and he was worried, even if he wouldn't admit it.

"No, you could never miss," Wylan quips. "You can shoot perfectly, but your timing, that could leave something to be desired." Wylan gives your arm a small squeeze as he passes, giving you time to pull away from the caring embrace of the now scowling Zemeni.

"Play nice lover boys," Nina says. She cups your face in two hands and plants a kiss on your nose. "We could've done with you on that one." She tells you, not to make you feel bad for your absence but to assure you of your presence, and you appreciate it. All the little ways Nina makes you feel loved, makes you feel like you belong, you appreciate them all.

You don't get a chance to turn around to see him before strong arms are engulfing you in a hug from behind. You lean back into it, the familiar smell, that reminds you of woodlands and fresh snow fall, filling your space. His coat is cold, but you can feel the warmth underneath it the tighter he holds you. "Matthias," you smile, tilting your head back to look up at him.

"Wild one," he replies, but there is a smile in the corner of his lips, not able to keep the stoic seriousness in his face.

"Did you miss me?" you ask.

"Every moment I was away," he tells you.

"I kind of miss when he didn't talk so much," Jesper says, pulling himself onto the desk to sit down.

You throw Jesper a warning look, it had taken far too long, and so much to get Matthias to where he was now, comfortable enough in his self and in the changes, in the challenges and the story that brought him here, to Ketterdam, to you, and always from a life he had always known and understood, for Jesper to make him doubt his progress for even a second. "Adawesi?" You challenge him.

Jesper laughs but backs down without a further comment.

Kaz looks less than pleased joins the gathering. "Inej decided to do some reconnaissance, and figure out where we are now in the situation," Kaz explains, not bothering to greet you.

He gives you a side glance, making his way to the back of the room. You're standing, Matthias's arms still around your body, laughing at something that Kaz does not understand or recognise as being funny at all.

You give him a small smile and he just eyes you before taking his seat.

"Jesper, as promised you can have your drinks, Nina, you can have your rest, Wylan, you can have your peace, and Matthias... what did you want again?" Kaz asks.

"I asked for nothing Demjin," Matthias says, finally taking his arms from around you, to stand taller. Of all the things that have changed, all the distance crossed, Matthias hasn't budged once in his dislike and distrust of Kaz Brekker. Matthias watches him, silent prayers to Djel that the demon in the suit across from him cannot sense his discomfort. He may have come to accept that his tricks are human, but he is yet to believe that Kaz himself is anything less than demonic.

"Right, it's all honour with you," Kaz says, looking down at some papers on the table. "Then I suppose you're all dismissed."

"Kaz I need a word," you remind him, you'd tried to ask him about a job before they left and Kaz had brushed you off, saying it could wait, you'd made him say he would speak to you as soon as he returned, that he understood this was important. He said he would. Now he was looking right through you.

"Right," he says, "can it wait?"

"It has waited," you tell him, "you don't scare me enough to be able to brush me off like that Brekker."

Nina, Wylan and Jesper make a quick exit at that statement, Wylan giving you a good luck nod as he ducks down and out of the room.

"So can I have your time or do I need to be a stolen painting?" you ask. You could fool yourself into thinking for a glimpse of a moment, Kaz almost smiles. He exhales and nods. You lean up on tiptoes and plant a kiss on Matthias's cheek. "I won't be long."

"Can I get you something?" he asks, not really wanting to leave you alone with Kaz but respecting that you can handle yourself well enough.

"I would love something sweet to eat," you tell him. His shoulders bump up slightly as he stifles a chuckle.

"I'll ask Nina," he says, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before leaving.

Kaz looks up at you, expectant. Waiting. His impatience clear on his tight lips. "What is it?"

"I want in on the job with Specht," you tell him. Something almost sets alight behind those dark eyes of his.

"No," he says plainly. You cross your arms, watching him but he goes back to his papers. "Is that all?"

"No," you tell him, "I want in on the job, he said himself he could use me."

"Then maybe I should have words with him about undermining me, I will tell him who is good for a job," Kaz spits.

"Boss, you keep side lining me," you say, "I thought maybe it was not a personal thing, but this is a piss easy job with the opportunity to work so much in the favour of The Dregs in Fifth Harbour, why won't you let me do this?"

"Go home," Kaz tells you, "go home, rest. Be comfortable in your safety, your friends made it home, your Fjerdan made it home, all is well," he sits up straighter in his chair. "So go home, enjoy your luxuries, convince Matthias that each day in Kerch is better than whatever life you could have in Fjerda, remind him of all the reasons not to miss his home, make him cheerful and fall asleep in his arms. If you really wish to do me a favour maybe convince him to stop looking at me like I might grow wings at any given point, or better yet, stop asking me about jobs, when I have one for you, you will have it."

You want nothing more than to go home to Matthias, to forget about everything that is needed and required from you, to simply curl up and be warm and happy with the man you love. But this was not about Matthias, this was not about your happiness, or your comfort, this was about Dirtyhands keeping you from your place. Besides you've never known Kaz to really care for your happiness in any regard, it took so much bargaining to get his help on the smallest of things, time and time again. Kaz was a business man before he was ever a friend to you. You knew that. He was your boss, and he rarely let there be moments when he felt like he was anything more. While the rest of the crows valued the companionship that came with this band of broken dolls, but Kaz, Kaz cannot help but keep everyone at arms length, in a metaphorical sense as much if not even more than the literal sense.

"You want me to leave," you state, eyeing him. "What is your problem with me... I thought... What is your problem?"

"I have no problem, except insubordination," he states. "How go on, hurry and catch up with your Drüskelle-,"

"Do not talk of Matthias in that tone," you snap, "he is more than you could ever hope to be Brekker and yet you talk of him with such dishonour, why because he has faith? Because he has purpose? Because he dares to love?"

“After a long, hard and lonely day: he can finally be in your arms again.” Kaz's words shouldn't strike you as so painful, and yet they do, it feels like he has pressed that oyster shucking knife from his sleeve right into your throat and was twisting it. "I can't give you that. And I doubt I ever will be able to."

"Kaz... what are you saying?" you ask. You'd expected anger, you'd been looking for a fight, but Kaz does not look like he wishes to fight, he doesn't even raise his voice, he takes a simple breath and then speaks.

"That if I was a different man, a better man, a man who had not been ruined and broken years before I ever got the chance to know you, I might just have been able to be the man that you need, the man I wish I was able to be, but know I will never become, even for you, I am not able, and I will not lie to either of us that I am. I am, and I can only ever be Dirtyhands, Bastard of The Barrel, and that is what you need of me more than you will ever need me to be the man I wish I was for you. So no, I do not... dislike Matthias, it is not that I dislike him, it is not that he is the enemy, Drüskelle, or Fjerdan. It is not that he does not deserve you, it is simply that I do not."

Kaz leaves without giving you a chance to respond. Not that you have a clue how to respond. You had never had the smallest inclination that Kaz had feelings for you at all. You were barely aware Kaz has feelings. Your mind is spinning. Unsure what you're supposed to do with this information.

You wait in the empty room, the door still open from his exit, the tapping of his cane disappearing into the noise of the club.

You take a moment, and you bring yourself back, to the moments before Kaz threw a match on everything. For all the shock, you remind yourself it doesn't matter. Kaz's reasonings for trying to keep you from your work were unspoken, he intended to spin you out with a confession that you did not need to hear. It had worked and that annoyed you most. You would not let him side line you for feelings he never deigned to suggest he ever had before. You would make him take you seriously, his feelings be damned. But you'd had a long day, and more prevalently, Matthias has had a long day, so you will find him, the man who you love, the man who would fight wars and change the world for. You were going to return to him, enjoy your treats and your calmness and his presence and force Brekker's words from your mind. Matthias who you had been waiting on all day, who kept your mind occupied with thoughts of him always. Matthias who you would always wait for, always go to. Your Matthias. You would not let Brekker ruin the calm, not for you, and not for Matthias, no matter his feelings. You couldn't let it.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Analysing my favourite lines from Six of Crows chapter by chapter: Chapter 3

As before, if there are any famous/popular lines missing it’s not because I don’t like them it’s just because I have nothing more to add to the analyses/ideas already present about them in the fandom. And if there are quotes that I haven’t analysed that’s just because I wanted to include it as a favourite quote but didn’t have anything to say explanation-wise.

This is a long chapter, so I’ll see how this goes and maybe split it into two parts.

“It would have been easy to make peace. Kaz could have told Jesper that he knew he wasn’t dirty, reminded him that he'd trusted him enough to make him his only real second in a fight that could have gone badly wrong tonight."

- this is really important for me because it tells us so much about Kaz and Jesper’s relationship in so few words, as well as telling us about the characters individually as well. Kaz trusts Jesper but he can’t tell him that and keeps him at arms length: we understand that Kaz has intimacy and/or commitment issues in both platonic and romantic relationships (since at this point in time the nature of their relationship hasn’t been explored but is presented as platonic, and Kaz had not been specifically stated to have a romantic interest this early on we as the reader make early assumptions). The specificity of the verb “knew” is SO important to me as well, because we have just seen Kaz have Big Bolliger shot in the stomach on the suspicion he was dirty based on a hunch about him going to a different cafe for breakfast but he ‘knows’ with complete certainty that Jesper is absolutely trustworthy. So within barely a paragraph of Kaz’s first POV chapter we understand that Jesper, even if their relationship is complex or rocky, is incredibly important to him and that he has considerable faith in him. The choice to not “make peace”, however, even though “it would have been easy” tells us that Kaz either feels the active need to keep Jesper at a distance or is incapable of expressing the closeness he feels in their friendship. Obviously later we’re able to learn that these are both true in their own way, but the importance of it in this moment is that we are immediately tuned in to Kaz’s fear of emotional connection and invested in understanding why this is, or exactly what he struggled with. Six of Crows is a novel I’d consider to be well balanced between plot-driven and character-driven, but I definitely think that these opening chapters are very character driven so this kind of set up is what pulls us into the book and makes us desperate to keep reading.

“ ‘Another bribe?’

‘I’m a creature of habit’

‘Lucky for you, I am too’ ”

“If you couldn’t walk out by yourself through Ketterdam after dark, then you might as well hang a sign around your neck that read “soft” and lie down for a beating” - I don’t know that I can coherently explain this I just love it; the worldbuilding??? the start of this brilliant presentation of the city as effectively it’s own character, which is one of my favourite things Bardugo does in her descriptions of Ketterdam?? The character implications about Kaz??? The way it ties into his initial judgements of Wylan!???? Perfection

“He realised he felt… Saints, he almost felt hopeful. Maybe he should see a medik” - I just love this so much, it’s so funny and it’s so quintessentially Kaz, I absolutely adore it

“Usually, he liked the quiet. In fact, he would’ve happily sewn most people’s lips shut” - we should talk about this quote more as a fandom, you know, because it’s brilliant and it’s so funny and again it’s just so brilliantly Kaz in the opening pages of his perspective we get so much information about his worldview and understand him to be quite a humorous character despite the initial appearance of him from Inej’s POV. As the novels go on we see the others notice his jokes more often, but in that introductory chapter it was incredibly important that the reader received the same image of Kaz that the Black Tips did, so now we get to be introduced to the closest thing to a real version of Kaz. I think there’s still a prevalent understanding that we’re seeing a mask, but this feels more real than Dirtyhands does… if that makes sense? I could be rambling about nonsense

"He'd heard other members of the gang say she moved like a cat, but he suspected cats would sit attentively at her feet to learn her methods" - this is just such a brilliant description of what Inej can do, it gives us such a clear image without having to overexplain anything and it also introduces us to this idea of Kaz putting her on a pedestal.

' "And what god do you serve, then?"

"Whichever will grant me good fortune"

"I don't think gods work that way,"

"I don't think I care," '

"He didn't see her go, only sensed her absence" - I can't explain it but something about this is so achingly romantic to me.

"But the fact that she could simply erase herself bothered him. She didn't even have a scent. All people carried scents, and those scents told stories -" - It wasn't until someone asked me to make a post about this quote that I really thought about it and realised why it has always stuck out to me. You can see the post on my page if you're interested, but in essence I think it's really important that Kaz struggles with any sense of permanence, so the idea that the one person he cares about more than anything else in the world could vanish so completely, as though she never even existed in the first place, is genuinely frightening - especially to a boy who several times in these novels fears that he has begun to hallucinate. Kaz seems very aware that he's on the edge of something he identifies as going mad, and the concept of visual and auditory hallucinations - Jordie's voice in his head, the panic at thinking he must have hallucinated when he first sees a Tidemaker walk through a wall, the immediate fear of being attacked by a ghost, etc - is something that constantly chases him. Kaz has also spent the last 8 years of his life living in a world that continued on as though his brother never existed, the salt in the wound being that not even Rollins remembers them, so the awareness of that happening to Inej, someone he has come to care for in a way that is entirely new and incredibly overwhelming for him - "there would be no grand funerals for them, no marble markers to remember their names" "What will you leave behind, but corpses to be burned on the Reaper's Barge?" "Out to the Reaper's Barge for burning, like all paupers go" - is a deeply upsetting. This then becomes a parallel with Kaz specifically noting that he can smell soap on her in the Crooked Kingdom Bathroom Scene; in this moment she us cemented so strongly in view and becomes the tether between Kaz and his sanity by continuing to so obstinately exist in a world that doesn't seem to want her to.

"Ghosts, Kaz thought. A boy's fear, but it came with absolute surety. Jordie had come for his vengeance at last" - oh my goodness there's so much to unpack here. I have talked about this a bit before, I think it was in my (very long) post about the potential for Wylan and Kaz to become each other, but it is SO important to look at this quote and remember that when we first read it we haven't the faintest idea who Jordie is or what happened to him. With the ousting of Big Bolliger and all the talk about your gang being your family and that even if you're a liar and a thief, you don't lie to or steal from your own gang, my initial assumption upon reading this was that Jordie had once been in a gang with Kaz, one of them had betrayed the other, and it had ended with Kaz murdering him. But, of course, this is very far from the truth and this tells us so much heart-breaking information about the fact that Kaz blames himself for what happened to them. He wonders later what might have happened to them if he hadn't insisted they go and find the magician that was the first step leading them to Rollins and to Jordie's death, but we never get anything about Kaz blaming himself quite as outrightly as this, the rest of it is usually just implied. So why show us this now? I would argue because this is how Kaz genuinely feels and in the moment he thinks it he is too terrified, confused, and to some extent concerned for his sanity to push the feeling away. Everything we see beyond this point id the construct that he has convinced himself is how he feels: that it's Rollins' fault. Obviously Rollins is at least partially to blame for Jordie's death, but if I may quote myself from a previous post It's the city that kills him, Rollins is just the weapon it chooses. Jordie even says it himself - "The city's winning now, but you'll see who wins in the end". Kaz's genuine belief is that Jordie's death is his fault, but he is in far too fragile a mental state to cope with that truth (and when I say truth I mean the that it's the truth he believes that, not that it;s the truth it's his fualt because he was jsut a nine-year-old who wanted to see a magician that's a more than innocent act and, again, he was nine) so he instead exists within a façade that he has built for himself - even on top of the one he's built for everyone else. We also see a hatred of the feeling towards blaming Jordie later on in the novels, and this is incredibly important. It's almost as if the idea that it's his fault isn't even the truth, but that's a façade to overcome the ultimate horror of seeing Jordie as accountable for it all - "What do you think my forgiveness looks like Jordie?". But ultimately, this is still the warped view of the world instilled in Kaz and so many of the other citizens of Ketterdam, possibly Kerch as a whole, arguably placing the city and its infrastructure as the ultimate villain rather than the tools of it. (Wherein the tools are Rollins and Van Eck).

"The phantom was upon him, and he felt the sharp jab of a needle in his neck. A ghost with a syringe?" - This is just so funny I love it so much I think I've read SOC and CK near to twenty times each now and this still makes me laugh every damn time.

I'm going to split this into two parts from here because this is the splitting point in the chapter and this is already a pretty long post. Thanks so much for reading this, sorry it's been a while for me to post it. I'm loving this line-by-line analysis series already (I know this is only the second post but I'm still excited) but they do take a long time to put together, particularly because at this time I don't currently have an annotated version of either book. Although I am planning to buy fresh copies for the purposes of annotating them when I get the opportunity, I currently don't have my ideas recorded anywhere except this account so whenever I write a post I'm working entirely from memory beyond the actual quotes themselves (and sometimes including them too haha) or even coming up with new ideas as I write. Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, and if you have any questions please keep sending them in I know I haven't responded to any for a little while but I love getting them and I am working through my inbox, if a bit slowly :)

[bone-shaped-shadows]

Jesper finds out about Wylan’s true identity- Show Version fic

Jesper wanted to roll his eyes as Kaz went on and on about their newest heist. Sometimes that man could really go off on a tangent in the name of dramatics, saying a whole lot without saying much at all.

Jesper knew he should be paying better attention to Kaz but as the man droned on, he shrugged off the thought, choosing instead to play with Wylan’s fingers.

Besides, he was listening for the key points and knew his favorite partner in crime would fill him in on any details he had missed.

Wylan would tease him gently for it as he did so but Jesper didn’t mind, delighted by Wylan’s dazzling memory as he would recite word for word what Kaz had said when Jesper found it difficult to focus.

He smiled, not caring how besotted he must look, as his thumb brushed over the ring he had given Wylan in order to track him during a previous heist and then had refused to take back, enjoying the weight of it whenever they held hands and having an easy way to pick him out in a crowd, especially in instances where he had gotten lost amongst people taller than him, Jesper thought with a gentle smirk.

Wylan lightly pinched him and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was distracted or because he somehow knew what Jesper was thinking.

Suddenly he came back to himself as Kaz paused in his speech to loom over the others, who were all sitting down, “Meet Wylan Van Eck… Jan Van Eck’s son and our guarantee on thirty million kruge.”

Kaz had an almost wild look in his eye and he spoke somewhere harshly as he smirked down at Wylan, asking a question Jesper hadn’t even register Nina asking, “He can’t double cross us if we have his firstborn as collateral.”

Jesper saw Wylan flinch out of the corner of eye and frowned as Wylan dropped his hand like he was burned.

“Look, Kaz I don’t know what’s going on here but-”

“No, you don’t know.” Kaz said, but as he stared down at the youngest Crow, who shoulder’s started to shake slightly, his tone softened, very very slightly.

Wylan gripped the fabric of his pants tightly, clearly trying to regulate his breathing, and refusing to look up at Kaz or sideways, despite Jesper trying to catch his eye.

He was sure he had an interesting mix of confusion and frustration flittering across his face but he tried to force a neutral expression despite some anger building in his chest.

Now was not the time, despite how he might feel about it, his focus on Wylan who looked like he was beginning to dissociate.

“It won’t work, I’m not leverage, I’m a liability.” He said softly, almost off-handedly.

Kaz opened his mouth, but Wylan cut him off, “I can’t guarantee you anything, unfortunately, much less thirty million kruge. See, I’m no Allby Rollins, Kaz, my father will not beg for me. If you attempt to use me as leverage all you will be doing is serving him a second chance to kill me on a silver platter and he will gladly take it,” Wylan laughed mournfully.

Suddenly Wylan forced himself to stand, eyes blazing, “Might even use his own hands, this time, really make sure it sticks.” Wylan spat out and then turned heel, bolting away from everyone else in the room.

Jesper’s eyes trailed after him and he expected… for something, anything. For Wylan to look, or even just glance, at him. For him to head up the stairs to their room, for Wylan to call out to Jesper or hold out a hand, a silent request for comfort - any proof that the two of them were a team, that he trusted Jesper to be on his side, always, even amongst their crew.

But Jesper watched, with a awful heavy feeling in his chest, as Wylan did none of those things.

Instead the younger man threw open the door to the Crow Club and ran out into the shadows of night.

By the time Jesper shook off the shock, and ran after him, Wylan was already long out of sight.

Jesper wasn’t sure how to feel about everything that had just happened.

He felt bitter about Wylan keeping this secret, when the other had felt so strongly about Jesper’s own secrets…

He paced their room, waiting for Wylan to return.

Why had Wylan kept this from him? Had he said something that made the other feel insecure? Did he not trust him with this specifically or did Wylan think him entirely untrustworthy of his secrets?

Kaz knew everything about everyone in the barrel and kept everything close to his chest. It drove Jesper up a wall but he had come to expect it and accept it.

But Wylan… Wylan and him were suppose to be partners, they were suppose to trust and support each other.

Why hadn’t he trusted him?

Jesper threw himself on their bed and threw his arm over his face, resigning himself to wait, questions echoing in the silence, until Wylan came back to him.

When Wylan failed to return home that night, or by morning Jesper, Kaz, and Nina split off to search for him.

Jesper tried not to drown in the feelings that quickly built up and choked him when he found the ring he had given Wylan hidden in his wear-house.

He looked at Nina hopefully, as she returned shortly after him, but she shook her head sadly, unable to find him or get a read on his heartbeat.

She held out her hand and Jesper took it, and the comfort she offered, “We’ll find him. We’ll bring him back, talk it all out, even if I have to drag him back by the nape of his shirt myself.”

He nodded, then gave her a half smile, “I think it’s my shirt actually.”

She snorted, “At this point? I don’t think you can claim that any more.”

He chuckled softly but said nothing else.

When Kaz returned and all of the obvious spots, the wear-house, the waffle place Nina had gotten them all hooked on, the one music shop they all knew he he loved to visit despite being a bit out of the barrels, failed to yeld results, Kaz grimaced.

Jesper and Nina followed him up to his office and watched with careful eyes as their boss opened one of his many safes and pulled out a list written in Inej’s handwriting as well as a stack of letters with blank envelopes.

Kaz glanced over the list before seemingly deciding something without bothering to get any input from the others.

He stuffed the list in his pocket and gestured for the others to follow him.

Jesper bit his tongue, determined not to yell at Kaz until Wylan was back with them safe and sound.

Kaz and Nina silently followed him to a dock on the fifth harbor where Wylan sat, and watched as Kaz dropped the stack of letters in his lap.

Wylan glared at them like he could set them on fire that way and pull one out from under the twine holding them together. He held it between his finger tips as if it had traces of posion on it.

He then held it up to Kaz, without looking at him.

Kaz opened it.

“What does it say?” Wylan asked, his tone completely devoid of any emotion, “What did he write that made you believe he cared about me? That I was worth anything to him?”

Kaz lifted a brow at him but proceeded to read off some of the letter, “If you’re reading this then you know how much I miss you and want you home.”

If you’re reading this…

Jesper suck in a breath, the pieces starting to fall into piece.

Wylan laughed, but it was a broken thing and Jesper hated it.

“I can’t read, Kaz. I’m… I’m not stupid or lazy. When others look at pages in a book they see straight lines of letters that stay exactly where they were penned. It’s all put together for them and it makes words. For me? Might as well be written on a hummingbird’s wing with how quickly they shift around. The fact that he sent letters at all, it’s only meant to mock me… to threaten me.”

Wylan sighed, “He’d only love me if I could read, but I can’t so he never will.”

Kaz considered the new information.

“Who knew?”

Wylan glanced at him.

“Who knew that you couldn’t read.”

“Hmm? Everyone here now.”

“Not who knows, who knew?”

Wylan didn’t say anything but Jesper cleared his throat and raised hand up in a small wave.

“Why didn’t you tell the rest of us?” Kaz asked somewhat to Wylan but mostly to Jesper, “This is important information.”

Wylan responded before the other could, “One, you don’t get to talk about hiding important information… and two, because it’s mine, not his. This is mine… and so was… it was suppose to be mine.”

The shame was his? Jesper wondered.

Jesper tried not to sound bitter as he spoke up, “I feel like we’ve had this conversation before, Wy.”

“It’s not shame Jesper…or…”

Wylan tilted back to look, well more pass them, than at them, eyes haunted.

“Have you ever drowned?”

Wylan ignored everyone’s horrified looks as he straightened up and began to babble.

“It really is a very strange experience. Your inside are being crushed by the pressure of the water in your lungs but the outside of you, as you float… almost feels weightless, like it doesn’t even really exist anymore. Like you don’t exist outside of those few places of pain…”

“Truly, the oddest set of sensations”, he mused.

Jesper creeped over to Wylan but didn’t dare touch him, in this state. He instead sat down by him in silence and was as still as he could be. Wylan’s hand twitched towards him and Jesper offered him his own. Wylan grasped onto it like a lifeline.

“I can still feel him holding me under the water, sometimes… which is a large part of why I didn’t want to do any of,” Wylan waved his hand, “this.”

Kaz hummed, in such a way that Wylan felt like the other had ordered him to elaborate without even opening his mouth.

“I had nightmares last night, for the few hours I manage to sleep, and I’ll have them again tonight, and probably tomorrow, and maybe the next night too.”

“It not shame… or at least not entirely, that holds my tongue. It’s the exhaustion that comes with not being able to sleep. It’s the anger that boils in me until I snap at people who don’t deserve it. It’s the sorrow that makes me want to hit myself because why I am like this? Why am I broken? Why aren’t I good enough?”

Jesper opened his mouth to reject that notion, but Wylan squeezed his hand, “I know, I do, I know but it’s how I feel, whenever I think about how my father ordered my death.”

Wylan looked at Kaz, “I’m sorry I’m unable to be the collateral you wanted,” he joked but it fell flat.

“Don’t be,” Kaz assured him, “Now I know and now I replan.”

Kaz made a gesture, and Jesper helped Wylan up to his feet.

“You may not be Allby Rollins but your father will experience everything Pekka Rollins did.”

He took in the anger on Jesper’s face and his lips twitched into a slight smirk, “Who knows, he may even get a worse fate.”

Nina laughed and Jesper placed a kiss on Wylan’s forehead but Wylan just looked hollowed out.

“Come on, you louts,” Nina told them, heading to Wylan’s other side to offer comfort, “let’s head home.”

And so they did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The line: I’m no Allby Rollins, Kaz, my father will not beg for me came to mind and I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I wrote this, hope y’all like it : )

[syllvane]

beautiful as the view from a sinking ship- jesper fahey x reader

a/n: people will watch la la land (2016) instead of go to therapy. it’s me i’m people. angst

“I’m surprised you’re here.” Inej said, appearing out of thin air.

You scoffed slightly, grabbing your drink before turning to look at Inej.

“I’m still a Crow, am I not? Just because me and Jes broke up, doesn’t mean I forfeit my place here.”

The nickname sat in the silence between the two of you and you looked away from her.

Inej didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, watching you down the shot of hard liquor.

“I know, I just… you’ve been keeping odd hours. You’ve stopped coming around the Slat.”

You signaled the bartender for another round.

You looked at her and, despite the copious amount of alcohol you had consumed, your eyes were clear and bright.

“I’ve been trying to avoid him, if that wasn’t obvious.”

“I know. But by avoiding him, you’ve been avoiding everyone else.”

“Then tell him he needs to take a shift or two of the odd hours so that I can come around.” You snapped, though any anger faded from your voice immediately. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“What happened between the two of you?”

You sighed.

“It’s not worth talking about.”

“But it was worth breaking up over?”

You looked at her again. This time she could see it more clearly, how tired you were.

Inej took a seat next to you, taking the glass of alcohol that was on the counter in front of you.

“This city will kill anyone who stays here long enough. Every day is another fight, and I just want to rest.” You said softly. “Jesper will stay here until Kaz tells him otherwise.”

“Why haven’t you left then?” She asked, the answer written all over your face.

You looked at the alcohol before looking back at her and shaking your head.

“I don’t know. It’s be easier if I could.”

You left some kruge on the bar top before standing up, stumbling slightly before catching yourself and walking home.

Inej followed you in the shadows, making sure that you got home safely before heading back to the Slat, your words ringing in her ears.

“We need your help.” 

Bitterness rose up out of nowhere at the sound of Kaz’s voice- it hadn’t always been this way. You once cared about him almost as much as Jesper and Inej.

“There are other Inferni in this city, you know.”

“Yes. Probably ones who don’t smell like alcohol as well, but none that I trust as much as you.”

“Ha.” You deadpanned, turning around to face him.

He took one quick glance at you before looking around the warehouse you had been squatting in.

“This is the last thing I’ll ever ask of you, since you no longer seem interested in being a Crow.”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to.” He shot back quickly, tapping his cane absentmindedly. “We’re meeting tonight. You know where to find us.”

“I’ll come with you. Just give me a couple minutes to get ready.”

“Fine.” He said, turning away and looking towards the entrance that he had came through. “You broke his heart, you know. Breaking up with him.”

You gathered your gun and your knives, his words cutting into your skin.

“It broke my heart as well, if that makes you feel any better.”

“It doesn’t, believe it or not.” He said, getting awfully close to expressing a human emotion. “Remind me to never fall in love with anyone.”

You scoffed, involuntarily thinking of Inej.

“What?” He asked and even without looking at him, you could tell that his eyes had narrowed.

You shook your head.

“Nothing. From my experience, you didn’t get to choose that kind of thing.”

The rest of the way, the two of you walked in silence. 

Your heart thumped in your chest as you stood in front of the Slat, dreading the prospect of seeing Jesper again.

He did his best not to look at you as you walked into the Slat, the other Crows giving you a warm, if not slightly awkward, welcome.

It’s a straightforward enough plan- infiltrate the party to gain access to the safe, use your powers to get into the safe, leave with the documents.

It’s simple enough, except it all goes to shit, because of course it does.

The actual safe-breaking is the easiest part of the gig- you’re all outside when the guards show up and start shooting without asking questions, leading to a gunfight, with pairs of Crows isolated from another.

It all feels like it happens in slow motion: someone fires a gun, Jesper is facing the other way, oblivious that a bullet is about to find purchase in his chest.

Your feet move faster than your mind does and you bodied him, the two of you falling onto the ground.

You looked at him.

His eyes, his beautiful eyes were wide with surprise and confusion, his eyebrows scrunched together, bracing the impact of the tackle.

“What do you think you’re-” He started, his tone indignant before his eyes were drawn to the red stain blossoming on your chest. “What did… what did you do? Nina!”

His voice came out as more of a scream and he maneuvered you gently so that you were laying on the cobblestone ground.

Your training in the Second Army, a distant memory from your childhood, might have prepared you for what getting shot feels like if you had stayed longer.

Or maybe not- maybe it would have always hurt this much.

Jesper put his hand on your cheek, forcing you to look at him, his skin cool against yours.

“Hey, hey. Look at me. Don’t close your eyes. Just keep looking at me.”

He’s pretty when he’s fawning over you and you listen to him, look at him, your eyes locking on his.

In his eyes, you see a future.

You see yourself recovering from this, the two of you getting back together, any distance that was in between the two of you made small in the shadow of death.

You see the two of you taking trips out to the countryside, the two of you holding hands, every second the two of you spend together a promise.

It’s all so distant now, tomorrow creeping farther and farther away from your grasp

You lifted your arm, your strength fading from you fast. Your hand settled on his face, cupping his cheek and wiping away a tear that had formed.

You have so much to say still- so many apologies and I love you’s and conversations- you don’t have enough time.

“I’d do it again.” You settle for, trying to assuage the notions of guilt already forming in his head. 

His face crumples and Nina rushes over, finally, but there is nothing to be done. 

She is not a healer and you are dying.

“Nina, you have to do something. Nina, you have to fix it, please.”

Your hand falls from his face and he grabs it, holding it tightly. 

Your hands are cold.

“I love you, Jes.” You say, his name an exhalation of air.

“I love you too. Don’t go.” He begs.

Only Nina hears.

[witchthewriter]

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐉𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐅𝐚𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐬/𝐨 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞

⤷ female, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!  

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ          

🌿ESFP 🍁Hufflepuff (Although I really think he could also be in Slytherin) 📜Chaotic Neutral 🔮Gemini Sun, Aries Moon, Leo Rising

𝑺𝑭𝑾🌿

・Having a significant other that’s a pirate is very, very convenient for not only Jesper, but the rest of the Crows

・It means a get away, extra hands and a way to get things from A to B. But you don’t do it for free - 

・Doing things for your boyfriend only goes so far. And Kaz pays you handsomely so that your crewmates aren’t loose-lipped 

・Unlike Nikolai, who calls himself a privateer, you’re happy to call yourself a pirate. 

・And that’s why you’re one of the most feared - you’re not only dangerous, but very, very determined. If you want something, you will do anything and everything in your power to get it

・That’s why Kaz trusts you - he sees a bit of himself in you. You’re just as ambitious. 

・Constantly being wooed. Even though you’re still in a relationship, Jesper likes to make you blush 

・You hand-pick your crew, and have a strong friendship with each of them. 

・If someone is hurt, you give them the best of care 

・Your ship is called ‘The Disgraced Princess’

・Your background and family are a secret, only Kaz, Inej and Jesper know who you truly are. Because if word got out about the truth, everything would come crumbling down and the King of Ravka would retrieve you himself

・You have a close relationship with Inej especially. You both know how it feels to be trapped. Especially somewhere you hate, with people who don’t see you as a person

・You much prefer to be at sea, than at port. 

・Although you do love jewellery and wear rings on your fingers, with large jewels and earrings that are pure gold 

・Your reputation grows and grows. And you have been in a few battles. Your swordsmanship is getting better, but you’re great with a gun. 

・That’s one of the things that Jesper fell in love with - you were almost as good of a shot as he 

・Always blows you a kiss before leaving 

・There’s always a present for Jesper when you see him. You specifically plunder something he’d like, and ‘surprise’ him when you see him next 

・Jesper is so proud of you though, he thinks you’re incredibly impressive and loves to tell people that you’re together. 

・You’re very close with your Quartermaster (who is the second-in-command and supervises the crew). You had originally asked Inej to be your Quartermaster, but she had to decline - she couldn’t be away from the Crows for too long 

・Jesper is incredibly jealous of your Quartermaster, who he thinks will steal away your affections

・Big adrenaline junkie, and if you’re going on a dangerous misison, he wants to be there

・Constantly gives you a mischievous grin, and you know sh*ts about to go down

𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝑷𝒆𝒕 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒀𝒐𝒖: ‘Sweetums,’ ‘Honey-pie,’ ‘Sweet-cheeks,’ ‘My Little Murderous Pirate.’ Jesper is the type to come up with incredibly embarrassing pet names, but completely mean them. 

𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝑳𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒈𝒆: Gift Giving and Physical Touch. My boy MISSES YOU when you aren’t together, and makes up for it the next time he sees you. Like he’s saved all his affection and couldn’t use it on anyone but you. He also buys you a lot of things that match with things he’s bought for himself. 

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝑺𝒐𝒏𝒈:

Sex On Fire by the Midnite String Quartet

𝑹𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒔:

・The idiot number 1 and idiot number 2 that are smarter individually but share 1 (one) braincell when put together 

・Would Die For Each Other 

・Rivals to Friends to Forced Proximity to Lovers

 𝑹𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑷𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝑻𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆:

Seemingly Impossible Love But It’s Destiny

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

The Phoenix and the Crow

part twenty-three

pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: neutral, kinda sorta fluff

el's thoughts: finally some one on one interaction with kaz and y/n! and a lil surprise at the end hehe

series masterlist

It took two days after she emerged from the surgeon’s cabin for Kaz to make himself approach Y/N. She was sitting by herself, legs crossed, back to the hull of the ship, sipping a cup of tea. The view before him reminded him of their last conversation on a ship.

Y/N turned to look up at him as he leaned on the railing beside her. The silence that settled over them wasn’t heavy as Kaz wracked his mind for something to say. 

“The Darkling. That’s who I saw.” Her voice almost startled him as he realized what she was sharing. “Reminding me of everything I could never have despite my childish wishes and dreams.” 

“From where we stood it looked like he reminded you just how powerful you are as well,” said Kaz. 

She shook her head, “He reminded me of the monster he made me.”

“The Phoenix is hardly viewed as a monster. From what I’ve heard you’re just as much a Saint as the sun summoner. The most powerful inferni to walk the earth.” Kaz couldn’t brign h imsefl to look at her as he spoke, only kept his eyes trained on the sea below them.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be known as powerful because of my gift or- or because of the Darkling, or because of fear. I… I want to be powerful because I moved forward despite the odds. If people were to fear me, I want them to fear the name I built for myself.” She squeezed the rail under her hand. “I envy you for that reason… if I were to speak honestly.”

It still confused him how anyone could be jealous of the life he built himself. Yet alone how Y/N L/N ex-Lieutenant General of the second army. She lived in a palace with full meals everyday and nice clothes on her back. How could she be jealous of a barrel rat who was a scavanger of food most of his youth. 

Kaz tilted his head as if to dump his thoughts out as he limped over to her. “I want to show you something.”

“I’m well, thank you for asking,” she said, looking up at him. “How are you?”

He felt his lips twist. “Splendid.” Awkwardly, he lowered himself down beside her and set aside his cane.

“Is your leg bad?”

“It’s fine. Here.” He spread Wylan’s drawing of the prison sctor between tem. Most of Wylan’s plans showed the Ice Court from above, but the prison elevation was a side view, a cross section showing the building’s floors stacked on top of one another.

“I’ve seen it.” Y/N said. She ran her finger from the basement up to the roof in a straight line. Six stories up a chimney.” 

“Can you do it?”

“I’m a heavy footed soldier, not your Wraith. Is there another option?”

“No.”

“So if I say I can’t make the climb, will you tell Spect to turn the boat around and take us back to Ketterdam?”

“I’ll find another option,” said Kaz. “I don’t know what, but I’m not giving up on that haul.”

“You know I’ll at least try it, Kaz, and you know I’m not going to refuse. I’ll find a way to get us out of there. So why ask?”

‘Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days.’ 

“I want to make sure you know what you’ll be dealing with and that you’re studying the plans.”

“Will there be a test?”

“Yes,” said Kaz. “If you fail, we’ll all end up stuck inside a Fjerdan prison.”

“Mmm,” she said and took a sip of her tea. “And I’ll end up dead one way or another.” She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the hull. “I’m worried about the escape route to the harbor. I don’t like that there’s only one way out.”

Kaz settled back against the hull, too. “Me neither,” he conceded, stretching out his bad leg. “But that’s why the Fjerdan’s built it that way.”

“Do you trust Specht?

Kaz cast her a sideways glance. “Is there a reason I shouldn’t?”

“I’m not one in a place to judge your crew, Brekker, but if the Ferolind isn’t waiting for us in the harbor…”

“I trust him enough.” He could feel her staring at the side of his face. He didn’t turn to look at her while he willed himself to keep his breathing even and his face to heat up. 

“He owes you then?”

Kaz nodded. He glanced around then said, “The navy threw him out for insubordinstion and refused him his pension. He has a sister to support near Belendt. I got him his money.”

“That was good of you.”

Kaz felt his eyes narrow. “I’m not some character out of a children’s story who plays harmless pranks and steals from teh rich to give to the poor. There was money to be made and information to be had. Specht knows the navy’s routes like the back of his hand.”

“Never something for nothing, Kaz,” she said, her gaze steady. “I know. Still, if the Ferolind is intercepted, we’ll have no way out of Djerholm.”

“I’ll get us out. You know that.”

‘Tell me you know that.’ He needed her to say it. This job wasn’t like anything he’d attempted before. Every doubt she’d raised was a legitimate one, and only echoed the fears in his own head. He’d snapped at her before they’d left Ketterdam, told her he’d be able to replace her is she didn’t think he could pull it off. He needed to know that she believed he could do this, that he could take them into the Ice Court and bring them out feeling whole and righteous the way he’d done with the other crews on jobs. He needed to know she believed in him.

“I trust you, Kaz,” she said as she ran her finger over the rim of her cup. “I hear Pekka Rollins was the one gunning for us in the harbor.”

“So?”

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten your personal tiff with him.”

“He’s just another boss, one more Barrel thug.”

“Kaz Brekker, don’t you start lying to me now.”

Later, he wasn’t sure why he’d said it. He’d never told anyone, never spoken the words aloud. But now Kaz kept his eyes on the sails above them and said, “Pekka Rollins killed my brother.”

He didn’t have to see Y/N’s face to sense her shock. “You had a brother?”

“I had a lot of things,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry.” He saw her stretch her hand out to him then quickly pull it back. “I know what it’s like to lose a brother. I can promise you that Pekka will get the suffering he deserves.”

Had he wanted her sympathy? Was that why he’d told her?

“I’ll pray for him,” Y/N said. “For peace in the next world if not in this one.”

He turned his head. They were sitting close together, their shoulders were touching. He stared into the deep y/e/c of her eyes and noticed that once again her hair was down. She typically wore it tied back in a messy coil. Even the idea of being this near to someone should have set his skin crawling. Instead he thought, ‘What happens if I move closer?’

“I don’t want your prayers.”

Y/N swallowed hard before speaking, “I know this won’t mean much to you… but I pray for him. For the person who you once were. And you.”

“I don’t want your prayers.”

“What do you want then?” 

The old answers came easily back to  mind. Money. Vengeance. Jordie’s voice in my head silenced forever. But a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. ‘You, Y/N. You.’

He shrugged and turned away. “To die buried under the weight of my own gold.”

“Again,” Y/N sighed. “Then I’ll pray you get all you ask for.”

“More prayers?” he asked. “And what do you want, L/N?”

He could almost hear her mind racing and he couldn’t help but hope the same thoughts were running through her head as it did his. 

“To turn my back on Ketterdam and never hear that name again. It’s only brought me troubles.”

‘Good.’ He’d finally be rid of this distraction.

“Your four million kruge can grant that wish.” He pushed to his feet. “Save your prayers for good weather and stupid guards. Just leave me out of it.”

He could hear her faint call of his name but ignored it and continued to walk belowdeck. He needed to get away from the overwhelming feeling of her.

~

By the time they bid their goodbyes to the ship’s crew, the sky had turned from pink to gold.

“See you in Djerholm harbor,” called Specht. “No mouners.”

“No funerals.” Y/N suprised herself when she called the reply back. She really had spent too much time with these people. 

The group began their hike from the rocky shore up the cliff side, but Y/N waited behind with her eyes trained on the horizon. No one else had picked up on her absence yet and she was grateful. 

She only had to stay a few minutes longer before the familiar sails of the Volkvolny came into view. A warm wave of relief and hope washed over her as she saw the familiar figure of her leading hope. 

Inej Ghafa walked off the ship and quickly made her way to the inferni’s side, wrapping the pair wrapping their arms around each other.

“Saint’s, Inej.” Y/N chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Always.” The Suli girl smiled kindly. “Now, catch me up.”

Y/N and Inej spent their hike catching each other up on all their affairs, but the majority was talking about the plans for this heist.

“Climbing six floors up a chimney?”

“Yeah… You think you can do it?”

“Of course I can.”

The two girls saw the group of five up ahead and sped up their pace. Once they caught up Nina and Jesper rushed to embrace Inej in a suffocating hug. Y/N felt Kaz’s eyes burning holes in the side of her face but chose to ignore him.

“How did you make it here?” asked Jesper.

“I sent a letter back home,” Y/N spoke up. “And just to my luck, Stumhound and his crew had docked back at the palace.”

Kaz stepped forward. “You didn’t think to tell me this?”

“You didn’t think to tell me about Van Eck?” She challenged. “I thought it through, Inej would make the climb. I told you I had it handled.”

“You just added one extra member to our crew. That changes everything.”

“Don’t make it bigger than it is, Kaz. It only changes the part of us getting in. Once we get past that, everything else will fall into place.”

“You undermined me.”

“You hid the truth from me.”

The rest of the group backed away slowly, giving the two a bit more space and none of them wanted to get involved.

Y/N took a deep breath, the cold air stinging her lungs and throat. “Kaz, I brought more help. Take it or leave it.”

Kaz stared at her for a long moment, multiple emotions fluttering through his eyes. He hummed to himself and turned around to keep walking. 

“Saints,” said Inej. “We’re actually doing this.”

“I’ve spent every minute of every miserable day wishing to be off that ship,” said Jesper. “So why do I suddenly miss it?

Wylan stamped his boots. “Maybe because it already feels like our feet are going to freeze off.”

“When we get out money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm,” said Kaz. “Let’s go.” He’d left his crow’s head cane aboard the Ferolind and substituted a less conspicuous walking stick. Jesper had mournfully left behind his prized pearl-handled revolvers in favor of a pair of unor-namented guns.

Jesper consulted his compass, and they turned south, seeking a path that would lead them to the main trading road. “I’m going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me.”

Kaz fell into step beside him. “Why don’t you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kurge for you? That’s what the big players do.”

“You know what the really big bosses do? They pay someone to pay someone to…”

Their voices trailed off as they tramped ahead, and Y/N and the others followed after.

~*~

taglist: @katherinereid @littlecat21 @jahayla-parker @maliciousbrekker @brekkershadowsinger @brekkers-desigirl @clunaes @wonderland2425 @bookloverfilmoholic @karensirkobabes @bookworm-center @el-de-phi

[at1nys-blog]

Freedom pt.2

Pt.1

Pairing: Crows x fem!reader

Summary: New life, new name, new family. This is what your life was going to be.

Masterlist

tag: @queenofshinigamis

Faking your death wasn't as easy nor painless as Kaz Brekker made it to seem, but you trusted him, and you just went along with the plan.

The plan was easy: they would drench you in water; put some make up on you and Nina would make your heart stop for enought time for the doctors to conclude you were dead and that nothing was to be done to bring you back and least but not last the Crows where to exhume you.

It took them longer than anticipated but at the end you were out and surrended by the Crows.

"Now the only think that I need is to become unrecognizable. A Tailor I need one." you were about to walk out the graveyard when Kaz stopped you.

"Where are you going like this? Here." he said trowing a hoodded cape at you. "follow me." you walked opposite to the Katterdam, Wylan started rambling about the pox and some other historical facts you, and maybe no one else, cared to know about. At least not in that moment.

Kaz made Jesper open up an entrance to some sort of chapel, you didn't care much, the only thing that matter was living your life feeling free and doing what you liked the most.

Sleep was not coming to you, but at least you weren't alone. The same went for Kaz. The man was in his little bubble thinking only the Saints knew what. You pondered if it was a good idea to strike a conversation with him. No, let the man alone, he is going through so much just for you, it was what your thoughts kept telling you.

"Can't sleep?" you nodded your head.

"I'm just not used to..." you looked at the ground. "sleeping on concrete. I never had to before." Kaz smiled, for just a brief second but you noticed. "Yes, yes I know what I told you, but just because I'm not used it doesn't mean I'm never going to get used to it."

"whatever makes you sleep at night, your highness" he joked, making you roll your eyes. "Jesper and Inej will miss you" he added, tone once again stoic as his usual. "I know is been just a month but they grew fond of you." a pause. "and so did I." he said not looking at you.

"Same goes for me, but we all knew today was coming. I can't stay in Katterdam any longer. If my father's..." he stopped you, asking you to not even think about it. You were dead now and he saw it, there was no reason for him to search for you.

"You can always say you are not her, if asked." you never thought Kaz Brekker would go an extra mile for someone he had meet just a month ago, but here he was, trying to figure out a way for you to stay.

"Kaz, I'm very sorry for everything that happened in this past month because of me, but you were my only hope to escape the hell that was home." you didn't mean to out your abusive father, but there you were. Telling him the secrets you were too scared to share with anyone, feeling finally free from all the horrors you had to endure for the simple facts that you were born a girl. "he is going to pay."

"Is not worth it. I think you saw him acting like a caring father, sad about his little girl that is now with the Saints." you kissed your thumb and bringing it to your forehead, eyes closed a pray wishpered in the dark. "he always hated the sight of me. I made him and myslef a favour, now I'm in debt with you Kaz Brekker, for saving me." another small smile adorned his features, this time it was on display much longer.

"Now try to sleep. You need it."

It was after a couple of days that Nina came back, followed by a girl. She was a Grisha, one that could help you escape Katterdam without drawing too much attention to you.

"A tailor. I found her at the market. Kaz I promised she is to be payed good for her services and her silence." Nina left the girl inside the little chapel and went back out.

"You are Pekka's daughter? I thought you were dead. The news is all over the walls of Katterdam." she said looking at you up and down. You gave her a little smile, hoping she wasn't to out you to the Stadwatch or your father directly. "Don't worry, I won't say a world to him" she said rolling up the sleeve of her shirt showing you a bunch of bruises all over her arm.

"Oh he likes to hit on ladies now? New hobby of his?" said Jesper noticing the condition of her arms, imagining the rest of her body was filled with purple and green signs. You apologized for your father's wrong doings but is not like he meant those words you spoke and you knew it. You and him were two completely different people.

The Grisha in front of you started to move her hands like if they were dancing with each other, rays of color moved in the air between the two of you, sparks adding a sense of magic and mystic to the experience. You started to feel your flesh morphing under her spell and you imagined your face changing shape onto her magic. Some seconds were needded before Jesper handed you a tiny mirror and you noticed how different you looked now.

"is temporary rember this. I suggest you to leave now, and for my payment... Just for the service, I would not out you." she said and turned to Kaz, hands in a cup form waiting to receive her kruge. The man rolled his eyes but payed her non the less.

The port was calm and not as busy as in the morning. The fishermen were getting ready to leave in the early morning, but Kaz did not stop there. He walked until he stopped infront of a boat of a privateer. At its front two people, siblings you noticed.

"Where is Sturmhond?"

"Inside." said the woman and she walked in, you thought to call whoever that Sturmhond was.

"Is she the girl Nina talked us about?" was the man turn to speak. Kaz nodded. "Great. We are leaving anytime soon so say goodbye to your friend and on we go." he added, he too walking back on the boat.

"Take care of yourself." was the only think Kaz said to you

"I'll pray the Saints to keep you safe at all times and remeber, no mourners..."

"No funerals" you ended the phrase with her. "Take care of Kaz for me too, and tell him before is too late, promise me Inej you would tell him" you said.

"Oh come on now, is my turn to say bye" said joyfully Jesper hugging you and spooning you around. You giggled and when your feet touched land you asked Jesper to keep being like this, no matter what.

"One more think Jesper, do not hide your true self. Not anymore." he gave you a shy smile and then moved closer to Inej. You thanked Nina for the big help and wished for her to be reunited with her man, then it was time to say goodbye to Wylan.

"You left me for last" he joked.

"The best is always left for last. Take care of yourself and keep Jesper in his place from time to time" you hugged him as strong as you were able to. Before you could add something Kaz was talking to someone behinde you.

"keep her safe, if something has to happen to her you know I'll find out Sturmhond."

"Geez man, I haven't even spoke a world and you attack me like this. Do not fear I'll protect her, well actually Tolyan and Tamar will."

"WHEN DID I AGREE ON THAT?" he said surprised to hear his captain's words. His reaction made you laugh a little getting the man's attention. "why are you laughing uh?" You turned to Kaz and the rest of your new friends, that you were already leaving behind.

"I will write to you as much as possible so keep an eye to the mails. Now go, you guys need some good rest." to this Sturmhond accompanied on his boat and you gave a last wave before sailing to Saints knew where.

"Inej, would you pray the Saints to protect her for me too?" the Wraith didn't say a world, just prayed for him too with a little smile. Maybe she had a change at the end, maybe she had to wait for him to break out his shell but a change whatsover.