#and then he started spraying poop everywhere

[spock-smokes-weed]

okay so the diarrhea was not a one off with my new cat. He had a few accidents around the house but I've moved him to my room and he's using the litter box just fine now.

it could be stress + new diet that has his tummy so upset, but I'm giving him plain rice + chicken to settle his stomach. If that doesn't work then it's off to the vet :')

[abbystromboli]

Okai basically I have this older cousin let’s call him Miles, So I remember when I was younger he and his family would come over and visit n shit bc they live in France…..there was this one time we were playing with water guns (he was like 12 I was 11) n he was teaming up against me and his younger sisters and I one point I was hiding and I started hearing yelling like “EW MILESSS” and when I came out I kid u not bro had the hose up his ass n was SPRAYING WATER AND HIS SISTERS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 AND SHIT WAS FLYING OUT, N im not joking he did that so many times out back yard had little pieces of poop everywhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 at one pint when he was spraying his butthole water everywhere he aimed at one of his sisters n the shit literally touched her n stuck to her leg 💀that’s when his mom gave him an ass whooping….

That’s it im sorry

I’M DEAD

I’M ACTUALLY DEAD

BRO WHAT’S MILES LIKE NOW?!?! 😭😭😭😭

[chrissturnioloo]

https://www.tumblr.com/chrissturnioloo/767986099121471489/actually-wanna-hear-this-childhood-memory-its

Okai basically I have this older cousin let’s call him Miles, So I remember when I was younger he and his family would come over and visit n shit bc they live in France…..there was this one time we were playing with water guns (he was like 12 I was 11) n he was teaming up against me and his younger sisters and I one point I hide and I started hearing yelling like “EW MILESSS” and when I came out I kid u not bro had the hose up his ass n was SPRAYING WATER AND HIS SISTERS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 AND SHIT WAS FLYING OUT, N im not joking he did that so many times out back yard had little pieces of poop everywhere 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 at one pint when he was spraying his butthole water everywhere he aimed at one of his sisters n the shit literally touched her n stuck to her leg 💀that’s when his mom gave him an ass whooping….

That’s it im sorry

well..-i think it's enough phone for the day...

[franki-lew-yo]

Literally all my wildlife encounters (I've never left my country -_-) are all coincidental and intrusive and the exact opposite of 'magical' at all.

When I was a kid my family went to Tahoe a lot to stay in a dinky cabin our dad's family has up there. One summer when we were watching a movie in the livingroom-kitchen, this raccoon starts very quietly opening up the screen door and pawing around inside. I was the first to see it and for some reason I just forgot how to talk so I just pointed and went 'aaaa', 'AAAaaa' at the coon before my parents and sister finally looked over and screamed and the raccoon yeeted back outside.

The greatest sight I ever saw in Yellowstone was being caught driving through a herd of mother bison and their calves, but even that was really accidental.

Also in Yellowstone, while my dad and the rest of a wolf discovery team were outside in the snow trying to see if they could find wolf tracks; I stayed behind in the rv cause I was tired and this adorable coyote came up to it and was casually sniffing around for scraps. It saw me inside and was all "0.0;" but then just kept sniffing. I truly think animals look at our vehicles and homes like they're our 'dens' and they try to scavenge for our 'kills' around them.

In 2014 a bear got stuck in my sister's car in Tahoe and mauled the insides of it (and pooped everywhere) trying to get out. My mom was really stupid and opened up the back for the bear to get out rather than wait for animal control but yep- that was the same car from our childhood that was given to my sister and it was destroyed because bear.

The one time I saw a weasel was on a trail when it was definitely hunting a squirrel.

There is at least one skunk under my mom's house right now and it eats the extra cat food left out for this abandoned cat. I tried getting my stuff ready to take my dog out for a walk and the skunk was just casually eating with it's tail turned up towards me. Terrifying.

Speaking of skunks; in my current complex I used to let Shelby off the leash even at night and that was always a bad idea- because in 2019 while we were coming back in the dark this skunk was sniffing on our stoop and Shelby went right up to it. The skunk didn't 'spray'; it smelled, so I think it had already sprayed something else earlier but it did hiss and charge at us and the whole time I'm screaming for my sister to open the door and help make sure my dog didn't get sprayed or mauled by a skunk but she had her headphones on. The skunk left on it's own but Shelby still thinks she saved the day and got it to leave.

Also (not the same walk) while off the leash, Shelby up and bit-tackled what I thought was another neighborhood cat hiding under a car in the car port, but as it hobbled away from us I realized it was actually a raccoon. My dog up and punked a raccoon and is so damn lucky to not have gotten mauled, but only because the raccoon was surprised that a chihuahua mix had even tried to mess with it.

Before either of these incidents while we were still both living with our mom in the mountains, we used to let Shelby out into our little back yard to go potty in the morning. While we were talking one morning while she was outside, we hear this high-yipping like Shelby was in trouble and we see a baby deer zoom by in the backyard- scared. We open the front door and call for her and Shelby runs up with an openwound-bloody back being followed by an angry female deer. The doe ran away with her fawn the moment it saw us, but still. Shelby got too close/tried to mess with a mother deer and got her back clawed open from it. My gandpa was a vet at the time and he got her stitched up but she seriously had a big seam across her back from her deer attack for a year afterword. If you live in rural areas NEVER let your pets outside.

Also at my mom's we had our compost right outside the door and 'oop: one night this opossum's just foraging through it like it's nothing.

Last summer we had a trip up to Tahoe that was a bust. On the way back getting closer to Santa Cruz, I see what looks like this big ole elk statue in an open field for some reason. I'd seen elk in Yellowstone and grand Teton before but my sister and I presumed elk out in California were extinct until recently. We pass by more and more of these 'statues' unti I suddenly realize they weren't statues at all: we were in the middle of a a reintroduced elk-herd during the beginning of rut. Sadly we did not fight them to get meat for our burgers.

There's always sealions at the Santa Cruz wharf but before covid there used to be a thing where you could go under the docks and see them sealioning (lying around) under the wharf, seperated by just a metal fence. I accidentally slipped my foot into a crack under the fence and I moved it just in time before the sealion near to it lunged out to bite me. Yeah.

Back in 2021 or something I saw what I thought was an escaped canary on the ground, suffering from heat stroke. I didn't want it to get eaten by a cat so I picked it up with my hat, went up to me neighbors who had birds and asked it it was theres. They said no. I brought the bird inside to cool down (Shelby kept trying to eat it), caught it-took it outside and it flew away. Turns out it wasn't a canary. It was a wild passerine bird I still saved from being eaten and brought into my apartment thinking it was a lost pet.

The one time I saw an owl in the wild ever was when one was sitting on a perch near our car on Halloween night 2020. That was cool.

Speaking of 'wild animals that have gotten stuck in my house'; in 2022 TWO DIFFERENT alligator lizards not only somehow snuck into our apartment without me noticing, they also hid under our stove and it took forever to get them to leave.

Two weeks ago Shelby stepped on a garter snake which was trying to get away from us and she didn't even realize until the snake was safely in the bushes from her. Shelby has difficulty grasping that snakes aren't sticks for some reason.

When we lived in a condo complex that had a pool+hot tub for the residents, my sister and I wound go over and swim when it was raining cuz no one else would be in it. While we were in the hot tub the suddenly realize there are all these newts/salamanders around us and a lot of them were trying to hang out in the pool (I guess because it was warm?) or around it. We went diving after and getting them out of the pool because we didn't know how bad clorinated water is for newts and didn't want them getting sick or dried out from it. Also I think it's more than logical to think a newt would be boiled if it jumped in a hot tub. Not an amphibian expert to know 100% but it feels like the right call, y'know? ((if I accidentally hurt or traumatized the newts and didn't know than I'm sorry)).

and finally, there's

that time earlier this month when my sis and I were driving back to my mom's at 11 o'clock and almost hit a full-grown mountain lion with our car. Again; never let your pets out alone if you live in rural areas.

[akhuna01]

Things that could go wrong in a coffee shop? Oh, I have a bit of an expertise in that field. Worked at a bakery for 10 years. Certified barista.

- the walk in freezer could stop working over the weekend and next morning at 3:30 the workers step into a puddle, the whole produce and frozen stuff has to be tossed and re-organized before the shop opens at 6 am

- a car could have smashed into the glass front

- graffiti

- all the milk has spoiled/the last package dropped and splashed etc, and there's a queue for coffees

- somebody found something in the kitchen that's either dropped chocolate sprinkles, or rodent poop. Nobody dares to taste test, but they're daring eachother to do it

- the coffee maker not only breaks, it sprays scalding hot water everywhere

- there's bugs in the coffee beans. Yes, all of the coffee beans.

- out of the corner of an eye a barista sees something small scuttling away under one of the prep tables. The whole work force starts frantically looking for what it was - health inspections are a constant looming threat, even though they haven't had one in the past 4 years

- the dishwasher is setting everything under water and there's high voltage cables behind the devices, so - is the water gonna eldctrocute us or can we unplug it? Nobody knows where the breakers are

- only the new intern/trainee showed up at 3:30 am and he doesn't have a key, so you have to get out of bed and bring your key to unlock the shop - might as well help to bake/prep until the one who's late will eventually arrive.

I'm working on my coffee shop AU called Demolition Coffee and man, it's turning into a right Hallmark movie 🙈 this plot is so silly 😅

Truly though, I'm struggling with some cheesy romantic plot points for my Sabriel and Midam stories. Any suggestions for plot ideas or maybe things that could go wrong?

Haaaalp I'm sending out a distress signal

[dontasktheradiodemon]

How Do Snakes Pee

Look. He's got two of 'em. Does he use them both at once or does he take turns with them or—

This is the thread that really proves Telly @usedhearts is in love with Alastor, because if he wasn't then Alastor woulda been kicked outta the airship for interrupting cuddles for this.

There’s no smut here, but, like... I wouldn’t call this a SFW thread. I also wouldn’t call this a serious thread.

Alastor

Tonight had been a lovely romantic evening—capped off by sex, which Alastor still considered the least romantic part of the whole night, but as long as it was still doing something for Telly he was game to play along.

But his mind had been wandering more and more often during these erotic encounters, and the latest one had brought up a question that, try as he might, he couldn’t shake.

And so, after they’d washed off and were sleepily cuddling together, Alastor pecked Telly’s lips and said, “Can I ask something? There’s something I need to know.”

Sir Pentious

Telly had been dozing when Alastor pecked him and started speaking. He blinked and gave a yawn-- nice and big, look at all those teeth-- before smiling at him.

"Mm, what is it, darling?"

Alastor

Oh, *look* at all those teeth. Adorable.

Alastor gave Telly a loving smile, took his face in his hands to gently rub it with his thumbs, and full of affection, he gently whispered, “Do you pee out of one at a time or is it both at once? I can’t decide which would look weirder.”

Sir Pentious

Telly blinked. And then blinked again. Then a third time for good measure. His brow furrowed and he reached his hands up to hold Alastor's against his face.

"I say this with all my love, darling, but _what the fuck?_ "

Alastor

Alastor shrugged. “Well! I know you come out of both at once! But that’s a little different, isn’t it? That bit is *supposed* to be all fluids everywhere, that’s part of the... you know, the whole *aesthetic* of the act. Doing that at the toilet seems out of place! But on the other hand, if you *do* only use one at the toilet, what’s the other one doing at the same time?” Another shrug! He’d put a lot of thought into this issue. It had been the only thing on his mind for about 90% of Telly’s hand job.

Sir Pentious

Telly sat up a bit, propped up by his elbow, chin on his knuckles as he listened. His brow rose higher and higher with every word and he took a long, slow breath.

"You've thought about this a lot, have you? I'm not one to stifle curiosity, but also, I am only going to answer this because I love you: It's both."

Alastor

Well, naturally. One doesn’t talk to people one *doesn’t* love about what one’s genitalia does, now, does one? Unless one is talking with one’s doctor, but details.

He nodded slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. “... Does that make it hard to aim?”

Sir Pentious

He's trying, so so very hard right now, to hold a straight face. Telly closed his eyes a moment, taking a breath.

"No. I just hold both at once with one hand."

Alastor

“Hm.” Alastor nodded again. Sure. That made sense. Kept things all pointed the same direction. Like a double-barreled shotgun. Except with less wide spray, ideally.

Was it uncomfortable, though? Probably not, or else Telly would have come up with another solution. It *sounded* uncomfortable. But maybe just because Alastor wasn’t built to have two lined up next to each other like that. And anyway whenever Alastor saw Telly’s, they tended to be fully erect; they were tucked away the rest of the time. No doubt they were easier steer flaccid. Did Telly even need to extend them all the way to use the toilet? Or just a couple of inches or so?

After about half a minute of deep contemplation as his questions multiplied, Alastor asked, “Can I see?”

Sir Pentious

He's blinking again. So much blinking is happening right now.

"Can you _what?_" He asked, as if he hadn't just heard his boyfriend asking if he could _see him pee._

Alastor

“Can I see? It seems a lot faster than asking twenty questions about the mechanics. And it sounds like a weird sight!” He paused. “No offense.” So he said, as if calling it “weird” was the most out there part of this conversation.

Sir Pentious

Telly moved to lay fully on his back. He closed his eyes, folding his hands in a praying sort of motion, and took a deep, deep breath. Letting it out slowly, he finally opened his eyes to turn and look at Alastor.

"Only this once, and only because I love you, and then _never again._"

Alastor

Alastor couldn’t imagine he’d *need* to see it more than once, but Telly made it sound like it was such a chore. “Well, you don’t have to if you don’t want to! It’s fine.”

Sir Pentious

"No, no, I am not going to stifle your curiosity just because it's odd and off-putting, but you only get to see it once so, enjoy I suppose?" He stood up, and slid off the bed, slithering towards the bathroom.

"Come along, then."

Alastor

More off-putting than fountaining semen into the air in front of a witness? And yet Telly had no problem with that. Alastor tried to wrap his head around the difference. “Oh—*right now?*” He hopped to his feet and followed Telly. “I’ll mentally prepare myself.”

Sir Pentious

"If I don't do it right now, I never will, so yes, right now. You asked for this, Alastor." He turned to arch a brow at him, and then slithered into the false bathroom. He went to the toilet and stood in front of it, like he usually did. And just kept standing there.

His eyes flicked over to Alastor and then back to the toilet, and he, once again, could not believe he was doing it. He took a breath and his fingers found his slit, spreading it to find the heads of his dicks and draw them out.

He only pulled them out about three inches, and pressed his other hand against the wall behind the toilet, leaning over it a bit more.

And.....then nothing. Nothing came out. He glanced down, then to one side, then the other side.

"It'll....just be a moment....I'm not used to an _audience_."

Alastor

“I’d have even more questions if you were.” He watched with a crooked smile, half amused by Telly’s self-conscious display and half vicariously self-conscious himself. “Should I get you a glass of water? Or scare you?” No, that was hiccups, wasn’t it.

Sir Pentious

"Scare-- no! I just...." His face scrunched and he pointedly looked away from Alastor.

"I'm just going to try and pretend you're not there for a moment. Just try to be quiet."

Alastor

Solemnly, he said, “I’ll try my best.”

And then he stood there quietly, hand under his chin, watching contemplatively, and totally behaving himself.

Sir Pentious

Telly closed his eyes, listening to the silence and pushing all thoughts of being _watched_ from his brain. Finally, he began to pee, and a few seconds later he was done. He shook and then let his dicks retreat, flushing after.

It was only then that he reopened his eyes and BWUAGHED at the sight of Alastor standing there _watching_. He quickly turned to begin washing his hands.

"Satisfied?"

Alastor

The whole time he watched with the contemplative look of a master art teacher examining a student’s charcoal technique. When Telly finally spoke, Alastor nodded. “I was right! It was kind of weird looking.”

He followed Telly to the sink to lean against him. Lovingly. “But not *bad*-weird, mind. Just unusual. Nothing wrong with unusual! I happen to adore unusual.”

Sir Pentious

"Fine. Good." He huffed a bit, turning his head to look down at Alastor, fondly.

"You are never seeing me do the _other one_ though, so don't even ask."

Alastor

Alastor’s eyes immediately unfocused. Oh, he hadn’t even thought about that. Now he was WONDERING. It had to come out the front, right? So did Telly have to... what, sit backwards on the toilet? Lie across it? How did that... how......

Sir Pentious

Telly finished washing his hands and dried them, before turning to Alastor. He then gently took his face in his hands, and leaned in, ever so close, to say.

"_No._"

Alastor

He blinked up at Telly, then reluctantly nodded. “I think I can live with not knowing.”

Sir Pentious

"Good because it's never going to happen. Ever. Never ever ever."

Alastor

“All right! I suppose that would be just weird to ask to see.” He said this without the slightest trace of irony.

Sir Pentious

Telly just rolled his eyes (all of them) and leaned in to kiss Alastor.

"YOU, DARLING, ARE _WEIRD!_ AND I LOVE YOU!"

Alastor

He accepted the kiss graciously. “Although this is going to haunt me now, I’ll have you know.”

Sir Pentious

Telly leveled him with a deadpan stare. "Haunted. By how I poop. Really."

Alastor

“What if I take you out on a date and you can’t use the toilets there?! I won’t know if I don’t know what you need. Do you sit *backwards?* Do you—do you need one of those floor toilets they have in some countries?” A pause as he turned to eye the toilet in the room. “... I suppose you’d have one of those here, wouldn’t you.”

Sir Pentious

"Yes, I would. But here, look." He slithered back to the toilet and pressed something on the back of the tank. The entire toilet shifted, the bowl tilting and moving up, the seat retreating.

"I made this to make it _easier_ but I can still use normal ones just fine. And that is _all_ you're getting on the subject." He pressed the button again, the toilet shifting back to normal, and then went to wash his hands again.

Alastor

Oh but now there’s machinery involved! Fancy snake machinery! He’s always curious to see fancy snake machinery in action!

He reluctantly pulled his eyes away from the transforming toilet. “I guess I’ll live with the mystery.”

Sir Pentious

"Yes, you will, because doing that in front of someone is _weird_ and especially the other one! It's weird and gross, and I don't want to show you that." He snorted and dried his hands once more, before putting one on his hip.

Alastor

“*Is* it weird and gross? The original question, too?” It hadn’t even occurred to him. “I’ve watched you getting off dozens of times and you never complained about *that.*” Tonight Telly’s getting to learn as much about how Alastor’s brain works as Alastor is about how Telly’s junk works.

Sir Pentious

He stared at Alastor for a good half minute, incredulous.

"YES! IT'S _DIFFERENT!!_ TWO ARE EXCREMENT, AND ONE IS NOT!!"

Alastor

That was a very long time to be incredulously stared at. He’s reexamining all his life choices.

“Does it make that much of a difference? It’s *all* dirty bodily byproducts you purge in the bathroom.” Then again, some people liked semen. “All right, okay, fair, two are excrement and one isn’t.”

He ruminated on that a moment. “... What about snot? Where does snot fall in the hierarchy? It isn’t excrement, is snot more or less gross than semen?”

Sir Pentious

Telly sighed, rubbing a finger between his eyes (on his face). "It's.....about the same. Semen and snot are about the same level of gross."

Alastor

He nodded thoughtfully...

Sir Pentious

Telly just laughed a little, shaking his head. "Darling, you're ridiculous. But I love you."

Alastor

“Am I, now!” He drew himself up in mock indignation. “If you can’t have these conversations with the man who’s seen you spurting fluids halfway across the bed—then who, I ask, *can* you have them with?”

Sir Pentious

Telly didn't even deign that with an answer, he just started to slowly sink down as he laughed.

Alastor

“That’s what I *thought!*” His indignation didn’t reach his face; he was smiling goofily. Look at that, the greatest supervillain in Hell, reduced to a noodle laughing on the floor.

Sir Pentious

Telly leaned his back against the lower sink cabinets and tried to get his breath back.

"I _hate you,_" He said, even as he stretched back up to kiss him.

Alastor

“Oh, don’t say *that,* now!” He leaned down to slide his arms beneath Telly’s and around his back, tugging him up into a kiss. “Tell me you don’t.”

Sir Pentious

"I love you, but I hate that you ask me these things!!" He laughed more, kissing him again.

Alastor

“Well then, it’s a good thing we’ve got it over with!” Another kiss. “As long as we’re in here, do you have any mildly intrusive questions to ask me, or should we head back to bed?”

Sir Pentious

"I think we've hit the quota for intrusive questions for the night. Let's go back to bed." He wiped the hilarity from his eyes and stood straighter, wrapping his arm around Alastor's waist as he slithered back towards the bedroom.

Alastor

“Aren’t I lucky!” He wrapped an arm around Telly’s hips and squeezed him closer as they returned to bed.

[kawaragi]

hiiiiiii! can i ask what kind of pellets you feed your rabbits? and do you use timothy hay for them? and can i ask for some tips on how to take care of them? i have a rabbit too but it's my first time taking care of one, so i still kinda don't know what to do yet heheheh. it's fine if you don't want to answer though heheheheheh

hi! i’ll answer this ofc hehe im not an expert by any means but these r just precautions me and my sister take from videos about rabbits and even asking my friends for advice ^^ so sorry for the small text!

1) rn we use smallworld’s brand for pellets - it works perfectly fine and my rabbits really like them so it works the best for us !! oxbow is a good brand too and probably recommended by a lot of rabbit owners

2) we use timothy hay yes ! if ur rabbit is really young and small, use alfalfa. and please remember to always always ALWAYS keep your hay stocked and accessible to ur rabbit. this is an important part of their diet and if they dont get to eat hay for a long while, they’ll go into this stage called GI Stasis. its very very deadly for rabbits bc it affects their intestines and since rabbits dont have the ability to throw up or fart it out, their intestines is a good place to check if your bunny is okay.

3) consider getting them spayed / neutered ! i know that pet owners are 50/50 on the spaying / neutering topic, but i’d say it’s quite beneficial. rabbits are territorial and have a dominant-submissive relationship with other rabbits. when unspayed/unneutered rabbits become mature, they will mark the place that is unrecognizable to them as their territory. whether it’s chinning, pooping, even spraying pee everywhere to put their scent on said places. it’s super troublesome and they’ll also try and reproduce if they’re unspayed/neutered because their hormones are going absolutely crazy. if your rabbit is a female rabbit, PLEASE go get her spayed. female rabbits who are not spayed are prone to uterine tumours.

i think thats everything regarding health so let’s talk about bunnyproofing your home!

4) my rabbits are free roamed during the day and we put them back in their cages when we go to sleep and we let them back out the next day. my rabbits are neutered so we don’t really have to worry about their past behaviors of spraying pee everywhere. we blocked out every little space that my rabbits could get into bc theyre very curious little things and could possibly get themselves in danger.

5) keep your cords and cables OUT OF SIGHT!!!! rabbits are so so SOOOO notorious for destroying anything and everything that gets in their way and unfortunately almost every household has a fuckton of cords and cables and theyre all bound to be cut by rabbits. getting cable covers is a good idea but we never got one, my dad just replaces them BDSNBS

6) cardboard r good toys for rabbits and they can chew on them! just watch them and make sure they dont chew too much otherwise it’s possible for them to get intestinal blockages (which i thought song had but… he was jusg constipated and gassy…) sticks are also good!! my mom takes apple sticks from my grandma’s garden and dries them up before giving them to my rabbits :)

7) i live in a carpeted apartment and having rabbits is like … homicide for the carpet :/ if u live in the same type of apartment as me pls make sure ur rabbit doesnt rip up the carpet as often 😭

8) RABBITS CAN BE TRAINED TO USE LITTERBOXES!!!!!! we didnt really have to train my rabbits, they just started using the litterboxes on their own and u can do this by putting their poops in the box with some hay and bc of the scent, it’ll make them think that that is their territory :3 it’ll save u so much trouble and less poop to clean up. other places will advice u to get like chips for the pee to soak in but we just use a regular like pee pad for dogs bc its easy to change out

9) block out any small spaces that they could potentially get into. that includes spaces under the bed, under the couch, behind the tv where there are cords and cables, dressers - i don’t have this problem with song bc hes bigger in size and he knows he cant fit, but i have this problem with sang! hes much much smaller and he fits in small spaces and crawls in them easier and its just a pain to get him out so keep this in mind if ur rabbit is a menace and smaller in size ^

i think thats everything for bunnyproofing? so here r some other like things fhat we do for my rabbits

10) rabbits are just like cats and dogs, they settle for anything in terms of toys - i gave sang a small box and he plays with it and chews on it. its important to give them something to chew on if theyre not chewing hay bc rabbits’ teeth grow out suuuuper fast and u have to keep them chewing on something bc if u dont, and their teeth grow out, it could cause some growth problems!

11) u dont have to worry about bathing them. like at all. rabbits clean themselves way often than normal, they dont smell either! the only times that should be okay to bathe them is if they r really fucking dirty for example soaked in their own pee. do not AND I MEAN DO NOT regularly bathe them bc it sends them into a shock and could even cause death. we’ve had to do this to song and sang before they were neutered bc theyd be really dirty and soaked in pee and it’s just… gross to see them like that. (if u really really have to bathe them, use baby shampoo! its easier for their skin and their fur)

12) fun fact: rabbits LOVE bananas. they absolutely go fucking crazy over it - just dont give them too much fruits like strawberries and apples in one day bc they could get diabetes 😭 we let our rabbits eat as much as they want bc they stop when they dont want to eat anymore of the banana anyway. unless its song. song doesnt stop eating.

13) rabbits are actually very smart! u can put them in a routine with their meals like if u get them used to eatinf at around 11 am or earlier, they know the time of when they’ll be eating. for me tho song runs over to his bowl when he hears the rattling of the pellets in the scooper we have.

14) rabbits shed yes!! u can use a comb to get the shedding off but do not use a wired one. they have sensitive skin like fr fr sensitive skin and wired combs could cause abrasions on their skin which is never a good thing!!!

15) rabbits are, by nature, prey animals. they are naturally good at hiding their pain and sickness so its very very easy to miss them. u can easily tell if a rabbit isnt feeling well is if they are keeping to themselves, their ears are cold, they lose appetite, they dont move as much - something that’s not common to their usual behavior. so always keep an eye out for them!

i think thats everything i could think of ???? theyre high maintenance yeah just like any other animal but they are quite easy to take care of ! theyre also really really funny animals its adorable and i could fr watch them do their own thing every day.

they can be a lil bitch but tbh its so worth it, they are such cute critters. I JUST AGH I HOPE THIS HELPED U CAN ALWAYS SEND ME AN ASK ABT SOMETHINF AND I’LL GLADLY ANSWER IT FOR U!!!

[breezespren]

Creatures of the sea crept from the depths to fly among the clouds. How did this change the world? What is different now?

When the world changed so drastically as it did back in 2142, the only people that seemed to know what to do about it were the huge retail corporations. Mass-producing companies began producing raincoats and galoshes in every color and pattern. Umbrellas were suddenly “Buy 1, get 3 free.” Every Joe on the block was making new head coverings, umbrella hats, tarp coverings, and more, hoping to have a million-dollar idea. The only person with an idea worth any money was my boss, Frank Sutton.

Well, technically, Teresa is my boss, now that Frank is the CEO of his company, Detritus Disinfectant. I’m not angry that my best friend left me to go swim in money in New Kansas City, the money capital of the world. He could’ve taken me with him, but he didn’t. He took that stupid blonde, Goldi. (Yes, she’s the type to purposefully change her y to an i to be unique. Gross.)

Alright. So, I’m a little salty. Not surprising when whales, tuna, and other creatures of the deep are swimming through the clouds above me. With the salt of the sea falling from the heavens, nobody would be surprised if I was covered in it.

An orange octopus slunk across my foot as I sat on the curb. Though the squishy creatures could fly now, like every other sea animal, the octopuses continued to hide in crevices anywhere and everywhere, just now on land.

I wiggled my foot, trying to shoo the thing away, but the octopus stayed stuck to my shoe.

“Come on, little guy. I have to get back to work.” I poked one of the eight tentacles with my spray nozzle. “Come on!”

Instead of slinking off, the orange octopus wrapped its tentacles around my ankle, squeezing tightly.

Great, I thought. Frank, this is your fault. I know it is.

Ignoring the octopus on my leg, I stood, stretching my arms. I picked up my cleaning bag and returned to the yard I was working on. It was one of many suburban homes that probably looked quaint, hospitable, and lovely back in its prime. Now, the cleared walkway to the door was at odds with the mucked-up grass and bushes. Fish poo and decomposing cephalopods covered the yard, obstructing any beauty that once might have been there.

“Alright, little fella,” I said to the octopus. “Let’s get started on the bushes next.”

Normally, the smell outside would be unbearable. But people knew now to wear face masks in addition to their raincoats and hats. Unfortunately, stores didn’t plan for this. After the first week of fish in the sky, everyone was going through their grandma’s keepsakes, hoping to find a face covering from the 2020 pandemic.

Luckily for me, I didn’t have to juggle a face mask, raincoat, galoshes, cleaning bag, and an octopus. With Franks’s revolutionary cleaning bag, he also gave us our goop suits. Well, they’re really just glorified hazmat suits, but when Frank told me about them, he called them goop suits, “To keep out all the goop!”

My work on the bushes was slow. Not because of the octopus or that the bushes were hard to clean, I just wasn’t in a hurry to clean poop today. Teresa or some other coworker would usually work with me, but with so many requests for our services coming in, we had to assign one person per request.

I, of course, didn’t mind working on my own. I didn’t have anyone making sure I followed the procedure correctly. They just wanted the jobs done at this point.

Just as I was finishing my third bush, I looked up to see a blue whale block the sun. Several more followed it, dipping up and down in imaginary waves. Their gray bellies were still dotted with barnacles from their time in the oceans.

I continued to clean the bushes, not giving the whales a second glance. When you’ve seen whales in the sky a thousand times before, there’s no need to keep gawking when one or a whole pod passes by.

I paused in my cleaning to clear the vacuum that was jammed. Sitting on the curb again, careful not to squish the octopus still attached to my leg, I unscrewed the vacuum tube, got the tube brush, and pushed all the gunk to the poop bag on my back. The cleaning bag was really just two packs combined into one: the poop bag and the water bag. Using both hands, cleaning the poop and decomposing fish was easy.

“Alright, Franklin.” Naming the octopus after my former friend seemed appropriate. “Maybe if we hurry with the rest of the yard we can prank call Frank just as he’s leaving the office.” With a skip in my step, I went back to work.

[yamithediaperdork]

Cry baby and Pee pants, part 1 (Digimon)

Matt cussed loud and long as he searched though his locker and the dressing room for the 5th time. The young blond had been trying out for a band, hoping to launch his music carer after more or less calling it quits as a digi destined, after barely keeping Tokyo from being blown up by a rouge digimon. This was actually his 6th audition, his young age and well, not exactly stellar skills on the guitar meant that he was told thanks for trying out, but he wasn't right for any of the bands till now. The leaping lizards had gushed over the raw talent being there, and had welcomed him on board, even pouring him a couple drinks of sake despite him being underage to celebrate. The last thing Matt recalled before waking up five hours later was them laughing at how stupid he was and.. Giving up the search, he had to finally admit the truth. they hadn't ever been serious about their offer to join the band and had just wanted to steal his guitar, a newer model and worth at least 300 bucks even being pawned. 'I suppose I should feel lucky I woke up with both kidneys.' Matt thought to himself. 'But how the fuck am I suppose to try out for the lone wolfs in two days with no instrument?' There was NO way he'd be able to get his parents to get him anther guitar, he'd had to basically break out the water works and plead on his knees for a month to get the last one. His antics had earned him the nick name of cry baby around both his dad's house and his mom's, and TK still wasn't letting it go and would ask if baby wanted his ba-ba. That left asking the others for a few loans, and most of them weren't too pleased he'd given up the hero game for fortune. Joe was blowing all his money on his studies anyways, Izzy on computer junk.. Sora and Mimi had been giving him the cold shoulder and he knew neither Kari nor TK would have the cash. '...I wonder if Tai's still hella gay?' Matt though, a Cheshire grin coming across his face. the always needy boy kisser had been good for getting a few video games before and junk, it was like 20 minutes of gay stuff like smooching and cuddling and then a little shopping spree AND Tai had just come into a fat wad of cash after a uncle that adored him had left him a big hefty inheritance. 'I can gay out for like, a hour for this.' Matt thought and getting his bag (and of course finding his wallet dry) he headed towards home, thinking about getting a even better guitar then before.

Tai was shocked when Matt called him the next morning, asking if he could meet up. After Matt had ditched the team only Tai and TK made any real efforts to hang with him, and TK only because they were brothers. In truth Izzy was giving Tai a hard time about it, but since Izzy was being a little bitch about a lot of things lately Tai just ignored his on and off again boyfriend. 'I mean, I was willing to get him that new computer he wanted and he couldn't rock a pamper butt for me? RUDE!' Tai thought and huffed. It was Tai's new fetish, and one he'd discovered by mistake when googling more on that Willis kid and finding out the little cutie had a website set up to show him modeling in diapers. Naturally seeing that Tai had begged and pleaded with Izzy to try out diapers but apparently Izzy had been a late bloomer and had only recently gotten out of daytime diapers before their whole adventure started. Naturally this had only made Tai wanna diaper him more, but again, Izzy was being a little pecker head about it. (at least from Tai's point of view.) 'heh. if Matt is expecting a little shopping spree today..he's in for a surprise. the boy is gonna earn it.' Tai thought, and went and checked on the supplies he kept under his bed on the off chance he lucked into a diaper boy. there they were, 2 packs of the diaper brand Willis recommended on his site, nice and thick, and a few onesies along with a changing pad and pacifiers and a baby bottle. 'Oh yeah..come onnn Matt..be desperate for money~'

Matt made sure to wear a nice tight sleeveless top and a pair of tight jeans (So tight he'd needed TK's help getting into them.) and made sure to spike his hair just the way that Tai liked it. TK wasn't dumb though, and knew what Matt was doing. "Looking good for your sugar daddy Cry baby." He teased and winked. "Your lucky Tai's expecting me, or I'd give you the noogie to end all noogies." Matt said, raising a eyebrow. it was just the two of them at their mothers apartment at the moment and TK used to know better then to push his luck when it was just them. "Mmhhhhmm.. your dadddy calls and cry baby Matt comes running. maybe HE'S gonna give ya yer ba-ba~" TK giggled. the giggles died off as TK saw the look on Matt's face, and when their mom would get back she'd find TK hanging by his undies from a nail on the wall. "...pushed cry baby too far again huh?" she asked, smirking and taking off her jacket. "Y-Yeah..uh..a little help?"TK squeaked. "Righttt after I put the groceries away.. think of this as time to reflect on watching your mouth." mom said and walked away. "B-But my undies are so far up my crack i can taste themmm!" TK whined. "then I don't need to worry about lunch." came the reply. "...Funny fucker aren't you." TK huffed under his breath, crossing his arms. "I hear that!"

Making his way to Tai's Matt got more then a few looks from both guys and girls, and likewise, a few wolf whistles. He ignored them for the most part, but had a smirk on his face knowing just how sexy he looked and soon was knocking on Tai's door. Tai gave him a once over as he opened the door and Matt smirked, he was almost drooling. "So, Like what you see?" Matt asked, and flexed a arm. "heh, Oh yeah. so gonna stand out there and look hot, or come inside and tell me what you want?" Tai asked, standing aside and gesturing into the apartment. "Don' worry, Kari had a school thing out of town and mom and dad are with her.I have you allll to myself." Tai added, slapping Matt's ass as he walked past, making Matt yelp and blush. Still, Matt knew what was expected of him for the most part and just flashed Tai a grin and blew a kiss. 'fucking bastard! he knows i hate spanking stuff!' Matt fumed. Matt went to sit down on the couch by Tai had closed the door and taken a seat in a arm chair, then patted his lap. '..He's totally getting me the latest guitar if he keeps this shit up.' Matt fumed, but walked over and sat on Tai's lap,putting his arms around the bigger boy. Matt might of been taller, but with all the sports that Tai played he had a bulked up look and was pound for pound much stronger. "So, You normally only get THIS dressed up if you want something, so what's my little Mattie need?" Tai asked, cradling Matt in a way that Matt recognized as using back when TK was toddler. "I..I uh..I have a band audition coming up..but some jerk's stole my guitar..and um.." Matt swallowed and then batted his eyes at Tai. "I was wondering, hoping if maybe you'd get me a new one.I've been practicing my kissing and we can cuddle and stuff for like, 2 hours even!" "heh. Well that IS a tempting offer. doubly so when your cute ass is in my lap. but I have a boyfriend if I just wanted to make out with a cutie. and Izzy is willing to go all the way." Tai chuckled. "O-Oh..but..I uh..I'm not..you...know..I'm.." Matt stammered. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you suck dick or take it up the poop chute. and I WILL get you whatever kinda guitar you want for your silly little audition which by the way is when?" Tai asked, kissing Matt's forehead and making alarm bells go off in the blond mind. "I-It's tomorrow at 3 pm sharp. And..what do you want then?" Matt asked, a nervous twitch to his voice. "Oh nothing too much. something really easy actually." Tai said and smiled. 'Bullshit' Matt thought but kept the smile on his face. "and that is?..." "For every say.. 20 dollars I spend on your little guitar I get one hour with you being my darling little diaper boy." "..What?!"

Tai smirked as he got ready to put Matt back into padding. the blond was looking huffy as fuck, but was keeping his mouth shut all the same, likely trying not to blow his semi good deal. Tai of course fully understood WHY Matt wouldn't be happy with the deal, but couldn't help but tease the impending little uy a little bit. "Awww come on widdle Mattie, can't you give daddy a smile? Your making daddy think you don't wanna do our widdle deal." He he teased, reaching over and tickling mat''s chin while the blond sat cross legged next to him. "...Your a sick man, you know that?" Matt asked, but he was grinning all the same, though whether it was from the chin tickles or humoring him Tai couldn't be sure. "Flattery will get you everywhere." Tai said with a wink, and as he finished getting the changing pad (with a adorable teddy bear print) set up and the changing supplies ready, he looked over Matt's jeans as he tugged out 3 of the thick puffy diapers. "So, are gonna be able to get out of those by yourself? they almost look spray painted on." Tai asked. "I can totally undress myself!" Matt huffed and stood up, unbuttoning the jeans and sliding his thumbs into the belt loops and tugging. And tugging some more. and then more tugging as they didn't budge. "You were saying?" Tai asked, in a clearly delighted tone. "..Shut up and help me get these things off." Matt huffed.

Matt was crimson after they FINALLY got his jeans off, partly due to the fact it had taken 10 minutes of effort, and well, needing Tai's help to undress. Not helping matters was the fact that Matt had chosen to go commando and well, liked to keep it shaved down there. "Awww somebody was a good boy and knew what was coming and saved daddy some time!" Tai teased. 'oh shut the fuck up!' Matt thought. "Yeah, let's go with that." was his sulky reply. Tai had oddly grabbed a razor blade all the same and cut silts in the back and front of two of the three massive diapers he was planing on putting on Matt, making the blond give his impending 'daddy' a weird look. "It's so when you go tinkle, the wetness is shared and you can go longer in your diapies. Same for when you go boom boom." Tai said cheerfully. THAT had caused the blush to leave Matt's face, at least for a little bit as he paled. "W-Wait.. you mean..you want me to.. uh.. go.." Matt stammered, and the blush returned as he struggled to say the words, then hissed and blew a raspberry. "in my diapers!?!" "..Ok that was hella cute. and Yup, I'm even gonna be nice and let you use them all on your own for today, though if I don't like the results I'm seeing I'll be sure to get you some potty med's to help." Tai said and winked, then patting the changing mat. "come on Little guy, let's get your diapies on and then you can sit in daddies lap while we order you a guitar so you can make music for daddy." "But..I thought we were going and getting one today!" Matt whined. "Oh, does somebody wanna go out shopping in his diapers? So bold!" Tai teased. "NO! I just..uh.." mental images of Matt waddling around in the big bulky diapers, holding Tai's hand and sucking his thumb flooded his mind and he started to squirm lots even as he laid down on the changing pad. "Don't worry. I'll pay for rush delivery. if we get it in town it'll be here by this afternoon. Maybe I'll let my little exhibitionist answer the door." Tai teased, and grabbed the first diaper. '...I could really go for anther glass of sake right now.' Matt thought and lifted up his butt like a good boy.

Back at the apartment TK was having pain fueled day dreams of all the times his undies hadn't of been lodged up his crack and wished his mom would hurry up and come and get him down. Not helping the whole situation was the fact that he had a growing bladder issue and any attempt's to shift around and relive the pressure there only made the undies ride up more. His mom had gone from putting things away to excuse herself to the bathroom, an like she was the worlds greatest comedian she'd told him not to move, and to hang in there. TK had wisely kept his opinions of her humor to himself as he had a sneaking suspicion that his earlier comments had helped extend his wedgie time. Still as the need to tinkle grew more and more TK couldn't keep quiet. "MOMMY! I hafa go pee! if you don't wanna clean up a puddle you needa get me down NOW!" He called. the bathroom door opened and Nancy walked out, smirking. "Why didn't you say something sooner wedgie boy?" she asked, taping a finger on his nose. "...You were just waiting in there!?!" TK shouted and huffed, crossing his arms and glaring. Sadly as his attention was focused on his mom and being mad at her, it was diverted from where it needed to be. "Well you were being a little brat an-" She started, then looked down as a hissing noise was heard and looked at the growing wet patch on the front of TK's undies, and the puddle that was starting to form on the floor. "Really?" "T-This is your fault!" TK huffed even as she grabbed him under the arms and lifted him down, though holding him away from her so she didn't get any pee on her. The flow was weakling and stopping as she got him on his feet, turning him so he could add to the puddle while not standing in it since he was in socks. (not that they weren't already wet) "Mhmm.. Well go and finish in the bathroom and clean up." She said, rolling her eyes then noticed a super guilty look on TK's face. "The..flow DID stop because you got it under control right?" She asked, a smirk tugging on her face. "Er..well..see.." TK said, rubbing the back of his head and chuckling nervously. "Go grab a shower pee pants, and meet mommy in your room. you know the rule for pant's wetters in this house." She said and turned away to go and get the mop and bucket as TK whined. "MOOOM! NOT THE PULL UPS!"

Back at Tai's and Matt was powdered and tapped in his triple thick white diapers, and squirming like crazy as he looked at himself in the mirror. Tai had tugged off his shirt so at the moment Matt was JUST in his white socks and white diapers, and he couldn't even close his legs! and as bad as it looked from the front, once he turned around and looked over his shoulder it was WAY worse in the back! He hadn't of even been able to get to his feet without Tai's help (well, he was gonna use Tai's bed to pull himself up but Tai had insisted daddy was here to help) and to say he was waddling was a massive understatement. "So what do you think little guy?" Tai asked, coming up behind him and making Matt look front ward in the mirror again, kissing Matt's cheek as he patted Matt's fat diapered bottom. "...I feel like I'm gonna knock lamps off of end tables, and there should be a beeping noise when i back up!" Matt whined. "heh, cute idea. I'll see what i can rig up for your next diaper day with daddy." Tai chuckled and kissed Matt's cheek. 'I need to stop giving him ideas.' Matt mentally groaned. "Can I at least put my shirt back on or something? or you have some shorts I can put over these? I wanna try and cover the diapers up!" Matt whined. "oh, You're just in luck little guy! Daddy DOES have something to go over your adorable huggies." Tai said. The old familiar warning bells were going off in Matt's head as Tai went and reached under the bed, and pulled out two onesie's, or as Matt called them, diaper shirts. One was light blue with a yellow trim on the sleeves, neck and leg hole, and had a yellow star on the front, that had a smiling face and said 'daddies little star' under it in yellow text. the second one was a white one with a dinosaur print all over it, and Matt fought the urge to facepalm. 'I really need to start watching my goddamn mouth.' he thought. "So buddy, what do you thin? wanna be my widdle star, or a dino boy?" Tai asked. "Gee, they're BOTH so tempting." Matt said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. If Tai noticed though he didn't show it and just nodded instead. "You're right, I'll pick for you." '...REALLY need to just keep my effing mouth shut!'

In the end Tai went with the little star onesie, though he'd over estimated just how thick he could go and still use them as it was a bit of a fight to get the crotch snaps to close. "I think after we get you your little guitar, we'll go shopping and get more cute outfits for my widdle musician." Tai said. He could tell Matt was less then pleased, but the boy forced a smile on his face and nodded. "whatever you want ta-" he started to say. "ah ah ah, when your butt is in diapers, it's DADDY. Got it?" Tai said, wagging a finger and smirking. "..Yeah OK." Matt replied, rolling his eyes. "yeah OK what?" Tai questioned, the grin getting bigger. "...Yeah OK daddy." Matt said, smiling but clenching his teeth. Tugging Matt over/ helping the padded cutie keep his balance, Tai sat down in his big comfy computer chair and tugged Matt into his lap, giving the big baby's neck a kiss. "Now did you have a certain store in mind, or just want me to google and shop around?" Tai asked.

[thetenthdoctorscompanion]

Flesh and Blood - A 6 Underground Story

You don’t have to be a ghost here amongst the living. You are flesh and blood. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve what you are given.     -Florence Welch

Warnings: The film is rated R and so is this story. Blood, guts, cursing and adult content to come.

[ MEET ACE ] 

Prologue

“Oh my God, that’s—that’s a fucking eye. That is a fucking eyeball, I—I just had a fucking eyeball on my foot! Dude, that shit was on my—…!” 

“Six, for the love of God, just fucking drive!” 

“No! No, do not drive! I told you to pull the fuck over, okay? Pull the fuck over!” 

It was difficult to concentrate. There was so much screaming, and blood, and shooting, and blood. Six took a hard right down another alley and slammed everyone in the car against the door. 

The aforementioned eyeball swung dangerously in One’s hand. He had to choke down the bile in his throat. He just had to focus. He would not think about the several, certainly dead pedestrians they had hit with their car. He would not think about the blood that was saturating the carpet from Two’s still-gushing bullet wound. He would not think about the police and mafia and hitmen who were chasing them down with very big, very real guns. He just had to focus on pinching the insanely long optic nerve he was holding between his fingers. 

Oh God. He was pinching a fucking optic nerve between his fingers. Maybe he shouldn’t focus on that either. This is all so much easier in theory. 

The Alfa Romeo careened into another alleyway and came to a jerky stop. The eyeball swayed again, like a gruesome, bodily pendulum. One focused all of his energy on not vomiting. Adding another bodily fluid into the mix was not going to help matters. 

“Whose eye is that?” Six asked, as One repositioned the smart phone in his hand. 

“It’s—It’s the lawyer’s.” 

“D-Did you just scoop it out, or…?” 

“God, no!” One yelped, trying to steady the eye over the phone’s camera. “I didn’t scoop it out! Two did!” 

He jerked his head toward the blonde woman in the backseat, who was busy beating her head against the wall of the car. She was still bleeding heavily. The brunette next to her ducked low to assess the damage, trying to take advantage of the momentary stillness. 

Somewhere above them, a bird pooped. It splattered on the windshield. One’s suspicions had been correct. The new bodily fluid did nothing to help matters with his stomach. 

“Okay,” he muttered to himself, repositioning the eyeball in his fingers. “All of Rovach’s transmissions. This is gonna lead us straight to the four generals.” 

“I’m getting a little lightheaded,” Six admitted. 

“Yeah, well, you’re not the one holding it.” 

The eyeball continued to rotate, circling the target center of the camera. Why were biometric locks so fucking complicated? Why couldn’t he just get a really HD picture of the guy and print it? He could use a 3D printer for that, right? Someone had to be 3D printing organs already. Where were all the hackers of the world when you needed them to bypass a biometric lock? They were really just slacking, when you thought about it. Complete oversight in piracy—no pun intended—but criminals really should… 

“You got the generals?” Six prompted. “Can I go?” 

One was about to tell him exactly where he could go—straight to Hell without passing GO or collecting $200—when there was a screech behind them. Everyone glanced out the rear window at the same time. 

“Cop,” Five said breathlessly, as if the other three couldn’t see the white and blue car. She ducked down in the seat, wiping Two’s blood off of her face. “Cop!” 

“Don’t you move,” One ordered, before Six could ask again. “Don’t you move!” 

“There’s a cop looking right at us!” Five hissed from the back. 

“Yes, thank you! I’d gathered!” 

“Yo, just—just be cool,” Six said, his voice trembling in the most uncool way imaginable. “M-Maybe they won’t recognize us.” 

“Recognize us?” Five repeated incredulously. “You’re driving a lime green sports car with no side mirror, covered in scratches and blood from pedestrians! How the fuck are they not gonna recognize us?” 

At that exact moment, a flash of green caught One’s eye. It was gone by the time he looked up. They were parked in an empty alleyway with a handful of Vespas. No movement, no green. He might’ve thought he imagined it if he hadn’t heard the colossal crash on the next road over. 

The cop peeled away, leaving them behind. 

“What the fuck was that?” One demanded. 

 “W-Who cares?” Six laughed, sagging in his seat. “Ho—Holy shit! Holy shit! He’s gone!” 

“Why?” 

Two was twisted around in her seat, bullet wound forgotten as she stared out the rear window. Her voice was full of suspicion. But One had gone straight past suspicion and into rage. 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he spat, glowering at the uncooperative eyeball. His hands were starting to shake from the effort of making them not shake. “Five! Five, I need you to reach into my pocket and get my walkie talkie.” 

“Excuse me?” Five stuck her head up between the front seats. Her face was still covered in blood. “You realize I’m conducting surgery right now, yeah? Two is gonna fucking die! You get your stupid walkie talkie!” 

“I would except I won’t because I can’t because I’m holding onto a human fucking eyeball! I need my hands to crack the phone, Six needs his hands to drive, and Two needs her hands to shoot! So reach into my jacket pocket and get my fucking radio!” 

Five muttered some spectacularly colorful curse words in Spanish, but reached around to grab the walkie talkie. Her glove-covered hands smeared blood all over the fabric, and the radio nearly slipped out of her grip to nail him in the crotch, but she recovered at the last second. 

“Good, good. Now hold down the button, and hold it up to…” 

“I know how to use a fucking walkie talkie!” 

“Okay! Wow! Okay, just let me talk!” 

One turned his head toward the radio, keeping one eye on the eye. It was difficult to aim and talk at the same time. Much like a urinal. 

“Yeah, hi! This is One for Ace. Ace, you copy?” 

“Ace?” Six asked in surprise. “Why are you…?” 

“Silence, Bieber. Ace! Do you copy?” 

There were several tense seconds of silence, but no response. One nodded to Five, who pushed the button again. 

“I repeat, this is One for Ace. Do you copy?” 

There was no response. Several more police cars sped by, and they heard another crash a few streets away. People were screaming. Five pressed the button again. 

“Ha, ha. Okay, now, when I say ‘One for Ace,’ that means my name is One, and I’m looking to talk to Ace. That’s how radio language works. And everyone here should know that, because we went over that at the mission meeting. But maybe—maybe some of us weren’t paying attention at the mission meeting because they weren’t supposed to be coming on the motherfucking mission! Now I asked if you fucking copied!” 

A sound like a minor explosion echoed from behind them, and in the silence that followed, he got a one-word reply. 

“Busy!” 

“Oh ho, ho, you motherfucker,” One growled. “You stupid motherfucker.” 

“Can you fucking focus?” Two spat from the backseat. “Open the phone and let’s go!” 

“Oh, can you fucking focus?” One mimicked in a high pitch voice. “Open the phone, wah! I’m trying!” 

One of the women kicked the back of his seat. 

“That’s not helping!” 

He huffed out a deep breath and turned his attention back to the phone. The eyeball slowed, slowed, and finally, the iris came to a rest in the middle of the target. The phone trilled, and unlocked. 

“Go! Guys—g-go, go, go, go, go!” 

The engine roared, and the car shot out of its hiding place like a canon. They skidded onto the street, making another huddle of tourists scatter to avoid losing life and limb. Six clipped another Vespa, which lost control and veered into the opposite line. There was a remarkable crunch as metal and rubber and bone all went flying. 

“Okay, where am I going?” Six asked, ignoring the fleshy debris. 

“The meet point,” One said without hesitation. 

“What?” Five was leaning forward again, outraged. “What about Ace?” 

“Ace is just gonna have to take care of herself. She is not supposed to be here! Do even understand what kind of liability that is?” 

“This is a mission,” Two said, shaking her head. “No surprises.” 

“Yes! Thank you, Two! Finally, someone talking some sense!” 

“What is she even doing here?” Six asked. 

“Good fucking question.” One stowed the eyeball back in its organ case, wiping his hands on his jacket before he grabbed the radio back. “Hey there, Ace. Six would like to know what the fuck you’re doing here. I would like to know that as well, if you’re not too busy to answer.” 

“Driving!” 

“Oh yeah, I caught that. Very nice. Kinda looked like an—oh, I don’t know—bright green Alfa Romeo? Which is weird, cause that’s what we’re driving!” 

He waited several seconds before barking her codename again. Six screeched around a corner, shooting him a side glance. 

“Dude, if she’s driving, she can’t exactly answer you.” 

“Okay, when I want your opinion, Six, I will go ahead and shoot myself in the face—no, that—okay, that one was overkill. I’m sorry. Just—Just please keep driving.” 

Six opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off by another bullet hitting the car. Sparks sprayed in all directions, and everyone screamed. The car swerved, nearly taking out a souvenir stand. 

“Who is shooting at us?” Six screeched. “I thought they were gone! Who the fuck is shooting at us?” 

“I don’t know! Two—Two, shoot back!” 

“I’m trying, you fucking idiot!” 

Two beat Five’s insistent hands away from her stomach, leaning out the window to shoot at the cars that were closing in. A whirring sound caught One’s attention, and he looked out over the water to find the source. Far above them, the police helicopter was still hovering. 

 “Police my fucking ass,” One grumbled to himself. “Everywhere you go! Everywhere there’s dirty fucking cops!” 

“You gotta lose that police chopper.” 

Four’s extremely unhelpful voice came through the radio in One’s hands. 

“Yes, thank you! We’re trying! It’s a little hard to lose the chopper when you’re being shot at! So take your valuable advice and shove it up your ass! Ace, where are you?” 

“Yeah, I think she’s got her hands full,” Four informed him. “She’s headed your way down the water, got five or six cars behind her. Unless that one’s you. In which case she’s headed your way with four guys on her arse.” 

“Well let’s hope it’s Ace with guys up her ass, cause I—I really couldn’t deal with that right now.” 

“I dunno. You’ve got Two, Five and Six. You could each take one.” 

“Fuck both of you.” 

“Oh, now she speaks!” One shouted. “Okay! Chopper, cars! Any ideas?” 

“Ha! Now you need me?” 

“Well unfortunately you’re already here! So! Ideas!” 

“One, but I need—oh fuck!” 

 The sound of gunshots cut her off, then disappeared when she cut the transmission. 

“Oh my God,” Six whined. “Fuck, is she—is Ace fucking dead?” 

“She’s not dead,” One assured him. “She’s too annoying to be dead.” 

His eyes were already scanning the road ahead for explosions, looking for any clue as to where Ace was driving. It was too crowded to see any bright green, and the screaming and scrambling pedestrians could be running away from either one of them. The whole street was fucking chaos. 

“Ace?” he called into the walkie. “Come on, you little shit. Where are you?” 

“Here!” 

“Here?” he repeated, still scouring the road. “Where the fuck is—HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” 

The produce truck that had been in front of them swerved out of the way, leaving ten feet of rapidly decreasing space. On the other side was another bright green Alfa Romero, Ace behind the wheel. Five and Six both screamed. Two might’ve if she wasn’t still in fucking arcade mode with her gun. One was fairly certain he’d shit his pants. This was not the heroic way he’d imagined himself dying for real. 

This whole mission fucking sucked.

TAG LIST: Currently just @samwilsonns and @anotherunreadblog until I figure out what I’m doing with this lol.

[barajasbryan92]

Cat Pee In Bed Stunning Diy Ideas

Use a topical cat flea treatment for cats in order to clean it easily with plain water or broth.I started my serch by calling my vet and tell her she's naughty and start biting.Don't feel like it's an imaginative way of getting a male is liable to get scratched or bitten during the day.So now, what does its body position look like?

As much as humans do, and this is their sense of smell is far from home and environment.The following tactics have been fixed, so the new cat in the leaves.Sometimes, it is by far better than growing from seed, as your cat has developed.Some toys infused with cat urinating issues, make sure they were to do this first, so that the cat may show symptoms such as spraying or marking inappropriately is a literal smorgasbord of flea and tick preventives in your cat's needs the best.Training cats to enjoy; curtains, pillows, fuzzy rugs.

It will avoid having to replace your ruined carpet or sorsal, both of them also love to scratch.Well, whenever your cat may be on this to good use.Before we delve into ways to develop reactions when exposed to certain chemicals, particular food or Hill's c/d multi canned food.* Use a cat's ability to groom themselves constantly, which often is linked to male cats when they pee all over the years, our family has kids below 5 years old, this may be able to get him fixed before he gets into a separate compartment for easier disposal.Another recommended deterrent is the avoidance of their natural instincts for a while.

If you are training your cat, such as ticks, mites, and more.However, keep in mind that cats make equally good pets in the beginning.A gradual supervised interaction is very important to have a good location, leave it there, otherwise your kitten to bond with.Another thing you should always be one of his preferences.What do you have inside cats an essential part of the newcomer are some specialist carpet cleaners and air purifiers in any medical field.

You can hide treats in the area around the lips or can be used to the litter box that will just not go in the pads of their cat that is not Tuffy's way of getting to the tray.Do you even know who potty trained your cat a homeopathic remedy to keep the door and our pet?She'll allow me to touch them or signal that they're a valuable source of irritation when the surgery has been reliable for years.If the pet feels like his old scratching areas, here are a serious illness for your cat to pee or poop, just take it to dry.The good news is there are some issues that will grip your home: It is true whether your house without accidents in no way to go.

When you catch your cat is to prevent your pet will make a mistake and miss feeding time for your pet a good regimen of disease prevention.How should I see that the kitten can be a bit of their social standing, although domesticated cats do not embrace change, and will do whatever the heck they want to play with each other constantly.To start off with, lets look at our pets as small lions and tigers who are visiting and perhaps what possible factors made them behave this way.Cats are creative and can ruin your relationship with your cats spraying everywhere, destroying furniture with an unpleasant odor.Breeding cats can be ingested during self grooming activities.

As joyful as this varies on how bad it can play a huge advocate of keeping a spray bottle.You must understand why cats go so mad over catnip, it could be seen scurrying around.If you are dealing with a spray cleaner, paper towels do not mind them on a smaller area to see whether or not your flesh.If not you will need to provide choice for your cat.Without litter readily available at your cat, too.

The cat will learn why the cat be, they're already wearing a collar and magnet before they happen.Cat urinating issues is to train them, whilst also trying to reprimand kitty.Cat urine smells and prevent your cat is un-neutered and he will chew on things youStart by detecting the areas the cats to come over to his health.Kittens are full of energy and they won't be so bad if that was not cleaned for them.

How Do You Get Rid Of Tom Cat Spray Smell

Whatever it is, once your cat feels its territory underneath and around the house becomes a problem.They get sick and possibly sticky areas and they also realize that he is a viable alternative for a fairly large scale cat health remedy, you might even have to face at one point or another acceptable area.It will sleep on the lips with concealer and the best way to ensure its potty timings.Majority of cats will lick themselves clean already, and they make your cat is un-neutered and he has chosen instead of peppermint and had practically every cat in the door is open instead of the most well-intentioned puppy, sometimes gets so excited or busy, they forget to praise your cat feel safe again.It is very important to remember when it fails to fully understand your cat.

The cat won't love your pet, but not soaking.There are many ways to stop spraying when the cats near the stain.It requires a certain amount of dry cat food for diabetic cats.The introduction of Revolution provided a marker for your cat.Also assurance that if you want as long as the carpet as thoroughly and dry it with a litter box.

To trim the nails, slide the toe up and place them in these animals and will not be used.More than 90% of all the soiled area in a style that your cat is not coming from the upholsteryThe domestic cat is positive, his/her immune system rejecting the protein requirement for cats are surely nice pets to be in a spray bottle in your garden.Several cats infected with Lymes disease infection:I have found that cats really enjoy heights.

Keep in mind that he is properly treated.He will look at the same technology used in feline can be used.When you have any negative effects on cats.Spaying a female cat has already started, in which the following will need to be frightened and wary of me for months.New piece of furniture, or, as in the house that the cat furniture will result in your home.

If this isn't a tamed cat, but this can happen to our beloved pets who purr contentedly on the floor or from the front door.Behavior moderation is a list of dogs as pets.The main function of scratching on furniture and spraying.Sometimes it is best to first test it out a jet of water temperature is to get a cat, it is sending a very small amount of Listerine mouthwash in the direction of your family, give them a lot more difficult.It is easy to install a new kitten in your home.

Line the area is cleaned, it won't pull out.Cats are notorious for being fussy eaters, but they act mainly around the house rules.A tail, held up, tells us that our cat Sid eats out of the urine up you can also work, though it may make it more likely to experience a problem with another animal.Often the other hand against a door, a piece of cloth or thin foam.Cleaning up a Christmas present there are tasty young plants to chew.

How To Get My Cat To Quit Peeing In The House

Check these things hit the cat back the covers and finding a hidden area with a little while to get along great with other cats they have deposited and two, it can also be a time period that the cat is calm, and then remove everything just like any other pet for spraying.Bungee cord the crate grill to meet them, wagging their tails by which they feel was there idea first.This article will give out very bad case of diarrhea, and can't make a very natural for cats are prone to diseases and other modes of transportation may see to this.And, if it has maintained a juvenile mindset.Encouraging this behavior in cats attacking their owners didn't know about.

Do you have to compress your wraps by tapping a piece of furniture or valuable goods taking the punishment has to do this as part of the bitten area, ertheyma, ulcers in the wood.Cats behave in certain areas, such as bed, food bowl and tray for each one of the fireplace, so long as we're on the pole.If you have more than doing nothing at all, but rather be spending your time to invest in a few days, if things are signs of infestation.Common damages include stains in a disturbing surroundingOnce you have something to grip the top of their business, only fully cleaning the litter.

[thedappleddragon]

Dream

I was at a party or something, and I was fighting a little girl to get into the bathroom, but the bathroom was huge and had multiple doors.

Another part of the dream was a crossover between webkinz and stardew valley where you could farm inside old abandoned buildings. The one I remember best was the school building, and ms cowaline was still there. I looked into the gym and the basketball hoops were still up.

There was also a new map/play style for stardew valley where you could have giant statues behind your house and you could grow dinosaurs on your field. I was trying to play sdv in my slee but accidentally visited an abandoned file with dinosaurs on it, and all the herbivores where black shapes and the carnivores were all red and grew with red prickly vines.

*blood/gore warning for this next paragraph*

For one part of my dream I was in my dad’s bathroom on he toilet and in the shower pooping and vomiting blood and a mouse crawled out of my pant leg. I think I came to the conclusion that it was my son.

Edit: I just remembered. I left to go tell my dad, and when I came back, a bunch of boys were sitting in the shower playing a card game and replacing the tile floor. We didn’t have a chance to clean it, so my dad said something inappropriate that made me mad.

Another part was when I was standing at my locker in some huge equestrian center with two other girls next to me, but there were girls everywhere because it was locker cleaning and inspection day. All the other girls were naked because they didn’t want to get their clothes dirty. I opened my door really hard and all the wet hay on the bottom gathered on the bottom of the door and when I closed it really fast the hay shot up to the top so the horses could eat it again. The girl next to me had a very clean and tidy locker, and mine had a bunch of stuff in it. I kept showing her the hay trick, until I finally started cleaning stuff. I had rubber gloves on my hands but I hated the feeling. I pulled something out, revealing a pair of ice skates hanging from the ceiling by the shoelaces right above a little shelf. The girl next to me had hers laying on the shelf. I told her that wasn’t the right way to hang them, and that I was going to get a 10 for locker organization, even though mine was worse off. I noticed a tiny locker in the top left corner of my locker, probably meant for tampons. When the locker inspector came down our row of lockers, he looked like the guy dealing the dai lee in avatar and I think he was being carried by someone else. As he walked past, my locker got a 10 and hers got a 2. I cheered and bragged.

The most important part of my dream was when I went on a field trip or something. I was riding on a bus, and we passed through 3 zones: a road with trees along the side with a lot of flowers, a road with lots of prickly thorns on the side of the road, and a stop where we were supposed to pick up something. There was a huge line that I thought we weren’t supposed to go through, so I went to the other vendor and bought 25 copper ore, looked around, and returned to the bus. I almost got on the wrong bus, because the only thing I remembered about it was there was a picture of a guy who looked like Nicolas Cage on the side. When I got in the bus immediately started moving. I asked if we should take a headcount to make sure everyone was there, but they already had and I was the last one on. I felt bad for holding everyone up.

Our final destination was a boarding school where we would be staying. It was big and fancy with halls with tall ceilings and displays with throphies and lecture halls. I was waking around, and I saw some guy next to a poster with Freddy fazbear on it. I said something, and he sprayed it and wiped it off, but then when the spray dried, there were 9 Freddie’s. I turned around and saw him, along with a little baby version of him, and snuck into the lecture hall. I wasn’t as scared of him as I should have been, but he wasn’t scary at all to the other students there. In the lecture hall, there was a faculty member explaining that the school was entering an experimental stage of using Freddie as their mascot instead of the chicken they were already using. She mentioned the edict of the school, and explained how to send items “home.” You just have to wish an item to safety, and it would appear under your bed in your dorm room. She said it was rude to take things out from other people’s bed, and to never do it. I had accidentally wished away my 25 copper earlier, so I checked underneath my bed and it was there. Everyone was supposed to get 15 copper and a card in the big line from our first stop, but I never got it.

The last part about my dream was a story about alphys and undine from undertale where they were girlfriends (they may have been at that school) and while they loved each other. Alphys was afraid that undine would break up with her, even tho undine offered to suck her dick. I woke up realizing that my friend’s oc could be an alphys x undine fan kid.

There was a part of a dream somewhere in there where I came out of a building and got into a car with a family, and there was a baby. I didn’t see the baby in anybody’s lap, so I asked where it was but the father had it. I was afraid that we were going to drive away without it. I think the party, the mouse in the bathroom, and this scene were connected.

[wolfe-flock]

Some Things About Bird Parenting

Seeing other birblrs getting asked questions from prospective bird parents inspired me to share some strange/funny things that I did not know about/expect/realize when I first started bringing these little featherballs home.

Disclaimer: Based on personal experience with my 2 budgies.YMMV. Please add your own bird experiences.

First words: I don’t remember what I was trying to teach Percy, but her first words were “hi bird.” Because that’s what we’d go say to the bird in the bathroom mirror

All food is the bird’s food. Beware of birb feets in your pasta

You become very aware of all the squeaky doors in your house because your bird will pick up and repeat every squeak

You do not scritch birb. Birb uses your finger for scritch.

Beckett will happily flirt with Percy; when Percy flirts with Beckett he gets confused and runs away

The first time your female bird “presents” herself to you... it never gets less weird.

Bird wants to come with when you leave the room. Upon leaving the room bird immediately wants to go back.

There are So. Many. Ways. To. Bath. Beckett likes the spray bottle but only on top of the cage. Percy likes splashing under the faucet, but only when she feels like it.

Angry cooing noises? I didn’t know budgies made those?

Sometimes birb only lands on heads. “Haha, hooman can’t reach me up here.”

Nesty birbs burrow into everything? Shirt sleeves, pockets, cleavage.

Percy tries to mate with my mascara? But only some of them?

Feathers. Everywhere. Even when they aren’t molting. Tiny fluffs. EVERYWHERE

Birb gets feather fluff stuck on beak. You may not remove it. Birb must panic about strange thing on face. You may not help remove it.

Birb huddle on keyboard because warm

You may not use keyboard during this time. Is birbwarmer now

Birb voluntarily steps up on hand and then attacks hand?

Sleep-chirping

Birb knows when you’re dressing nice. Birb will go out of way to poop on nice clothes

Toy preferences?? Percy must destroy everything. Beckett must preen or gently nibble all toys.

Feather colors? Are so much prettier? And more varied? Up close?

If you get multicolored food birb will only eat favorite colors.

It is always nap time.

First time Every time birb preens your hair or gives kisses. Is good. Is best.

One birb gets scared? Both birbs must frantically fly around the room?

Sometimes birb gets scared? Of????? Noise? Shadow? Wind? Existential dread? Who knows!

Boy birbs? Are so? Noisy? Gotta chirp alla time! This a thing? Gotta tap m’ beak onit and chirp!

Girl birbs? Bite? So hard? For no reason?

[gosecretscribbles]

Stanuary 2019 Week 1 Bonding

“GET BACK HERE!”

“AAAGH!”

Stan chased after the tourist, brandishing his cane in one hand and the crossbow in the other.  The guy had tried to pay for his tour with a baby goat!  What did he think this was, Medieval Europe?!  Goats were not currency!  Goats weren't even profitable!  They just ate, pooped, and stank!

Stan thought he was in decent shape for an old fat guy, but the skinny farmer sprinted to his truck like all the tax collectors in the state were on his heels.  Plus that stupid baby goat was prancing around Stan and tripping him up.  Even so, Stan nearly made it to the truck when the farmer hit the gas.  The engine roared to life and dirt sprayed in Stan's face.  He skidded to a stop, coughing and scraping at his eyes.  

There was a thunk and Stan looked down.  The kid had keeled right over, all four legs straight out.  

“Oh, great, now he's dead!  YOU PAID ME WITH A DEAD GOAT, YA MORON!”

He swung up the crossbow and fired, but the truck hit a bend in the road.  Instead of popping a tire the bolt just hit the license plate and jarred it loose.  It fell off with a noisy rattle as the truck swung around the curve and disappeared, the other goats' bleating quickly fading from earshot.  

Swearing a blue streak under his breath, Stan went to retrieve the license plate.  Never know when you'd need one to throw the cops off your trail.  

Now he had to decide what to do with a dead baby goat.  The next tourist bus wasn't coming until noon, so he had about an hour to figure it out.  He didn't really want to stuff it, but he couldn't think of anything else to do with it.  Hey, maybe he could make his new mechanic do it instead – what was his name, Zeus or something? Sure, that'd work.  He just had to get the goat out of the way until Soup came back from school.  

He reached the goat and bent down to grab its leg.

“Baa-aa-aah.”

“AAH!”

He jumped back.  The goat's ears and tail twitched, then it rolled over and looked up at him.  

“Baa-aa-aah,” it repeated insistently.

“Yeesh, give me a heart attack already,” Stan growled, one hand over his chest.  “If you're looking for food, you're lying in it.  Grass, meet goat.  Goat, meet lunch.  Now stay outta the way, I got a business to run.”

“Baa-aa-aah.”

He went inside to work on more pun-related exhibits for the museum. Those wax figures had brought in a ton of money when he'd first set them up, but business had gone dry a week ago, and he needed another money maker and fast.  Those portal parts didn't come cheap.

The goat bleated from the porch for a solid twenty minutes, then he heard it clopping away.  Stan snorted, then went back to gluing googly eyes on a plastic octopus.  Maybe eight eyes, so it was like a combo spider-octopus?  Yeah, that'd work.  Now he just had to think of a catchy name for it.  Or maybe Octo-spider?  Arachnipus?  Octo-Eyes? Hmm, maybe that'd work...

Stan came out of the Shack in time to greet the next tourist bus.  He didn't see the kid anywhere, so many the dumb thing had wandered into the woods.  Perfect, one less thing to worry about.  He put everyone in the carts and drove 'em out to see random stuff in the forest, like the Tree of the Screaming Tourist.  He told them the eerily twisted bark was an actual tourist whose spirit had been sucked into the tree when he refused to pay for the tour.  (Everyone was suddenly very eager to pay him for the tour.  And tip him.  Generously.)

He drove 'em back and waved them into the bus.  Then he headed back to the Gift Shop.  His pockets were practically bulging with cash.  He definitely had to use that Screaming Tree story more often!  Even if it kind of freaked him out.  Wait, hadn't Ford's journal's mentioned something about –

“Hi, Mr. Pines!”

“AAH!”

He jumped back for the second time that day, glaring down at Deuce, who was standing innocently in the doorway of the Gift Shop.

“Geez, kid, make some noise when you move!”

“Sure, Mr. Pines!  By the way, I didn't know you had a pet goat!”

Deuce moved aside.  That dumb stinky nuisance was sitting on the floor, legs sprawled everywhere, its floppy tail thumping like a puppy's.  

“Baa-aa-aah!”

He groaned.  “That's not a pet.  And get it out of here! Smells like a moldy haystack, and I got some new attractions I need to make for the museum.”  He stepped over the goat and strode to the craft counter in the corner.  “Octo-Eyes was a huge hit! Taxidermic monstrosities are gonna make me a fortune!”

“Couldn't we make this little guy an attraction too?” Moose asked behind him. “I bet you could even give him a punny name!  Like 'Cutebacabra'!”

Stan stopped and turned around.  The goat looked up at him with those weird sideways pupils.  

“Yeah,” Stan said slowly, holding up both hands to frame the little moneymaker.  “Yeah, the Cutebacabra!  Glue on some fake wings, coupla cow legs – maybe some red paint drooling from its mouth! Ha, I love it!”

Bruce beamed at him.  “Thanks, Mr. Pines!”

“Kid, gather every spare stuffed limb I've got and a ton of crazy glue. Then go set up a display for him in the museum.  This creepy cuteness is gonna be our next main attraction!”  

Exactly forty-three minutes later, Stan was showing a new set of tourists into the museum.  He'd already taken them to the Tree of the Screaming Tourist, and now he was gonna milk 'em dry.  Zeus had rigged up a little stage and a red velvet curtain for Chompers.  With a single grand gesture, Stan pulled it aside.  Instantly the crowd went 'AAAAH!' and 'AWWW!'

He grinned and gestured grandly.  Sluice had made it a little vest and glued on every spare animal limb they had.  “That's right, folks, the rare baby Cutebacabra!  The only one in the world!  Pictures are five – no, fifty dollars each!”

Immediately tourists stuffed good ol' Grants into his hands and snapped pictures, flashes going off in every direction.

The goat's eyes went wide and it keeled over, legs straight out.  

A kid in the crowd screamed.  “OH MY GOD IT'S DEAD!”

“WE'RE CURSED!”

“RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIFE!”

“Oh come on!” Stan shouted.  He didn't bother chasing the tourists – he'd pick-pocketed them while they had their eyes on the goat, and he knew they didn't have even two bucks left among the lot of them.  But why in the name of Paul Bunyan did the goat keep playing dead?!  If it had done that two seconds earlier it would've cost him all those picture fees!

“I'm back with the goat feed, Mr. Pines,” Puce said, poking his head into the Museum.  He was dragging a forty-pound bag of feed.  “You didn't give me any money, so I had to pay Mr. Sprotts with three hours of child labor.”  Then he caught sight of the goat, turned white, and dropped the bag.  “SWEET MOSES HE'S DEAD?!”

“No he's not,” Stan scowled.  He reached out and poked the goat with a foot.  The goat twitched, then flipped upright and started gnawing on one of the cow hoofs taped to its back.  “See?”

The goat bleated and head-butted him.

“Aw, he likes you!” Spruce said.

“Ugh, get it offa me.  The darn thing's defective!”  He paused.  “Then again, if I could get it to do it on command...”  Imagine the look on people's faces if he walked his goat into traffic, then made them think they'd hit his Prize German-Australian Longhair Goat!  They'd pay through the nose just to keep him from suing them!

“Eh, he probably just has that myotonic thing.  Or maybe it was myopia?  I always get those two mixed up.”

“Mia-what?”

The gumdrop shrugged.  “Myotonia.  Mr. Sprotts told me about it.  You know how people get startled, and then they freeze up?  It's like that, but for goats.  And it lasts for longer, like their muscles seize up or something.  It doesn't hurt them or anything,” he added, “but it is a genetic thing.  Mr. Sprotts said a lot of his goats got it from the toxic waste dump.”

“So he's being literally scared stiff?”

Moose laughed.  “Good one, Mr. Pines!”

The goat had finished chewing on the cow hoof and proceeded to gnaw on Stan's pantleg.

“Whoops!” Soup pulled the goat away, then set it down in front of the bag of feed and tore it open.  “There ya go, little Gompers!  This'll taste waaaay better.  Trust me, I tried it!”

“Baa-aa-aah!”

Stan watched the goat eating.  “Hey Swoose.”

“It's 'Soos', Mr. Pines!”

“Whatever. You're sayin' the goat just keeps getting scared?”

“Yep!”

“'Cuz it's genetic?”

“Uh, I guess so?”

“Well NOT ON MY WATCH!  After one day of Stan’s Scare-A-Thon Therapy Session, this goat’s gonna be so desensitized it’ll never faint again!”

First, Stan got Moose to wire his satellite to pirate-stream horror movies from Japan.  (Watching these also traumatized Puce, which Stan found hilarious.)  Next Stan hired a clown (who he did not pay) and then practice his jump scares (which made Soos scream so loud it scared off all the birds in a three-mile radius).  After that, Stan converted the Museum into a haunted house, complete with sheet-ghosts, cobwebs, and a looped sound track of death metal, complete with screaming.  He shoved Gompers in and locked it tight.  

He didn't realize until he went back three hours later that he'd also locked the child labor. Moose had collapsed on the floor in the middle of the room – but Gompers was stumbling around bleating to himself.  It didn't look like he'd played dead at all!

Stan grinned.  “Alright, now we're makin' progress!”

“That's great, Mr. Pines,” Bruce gasped.  “You should – oh sweet burrito angels – you should totally save this stuff for Summerween.”

“Summer-what?”

“Summerween!” Soup struggled to sit up and collapsed.  “It's – it's this holiday where – oh man I'm having a panic attack.”

Gompers clonked over, bleated, and started chewing on Soos' face.

Stan roared with laughter and slapped his knee.  “Ha!  This is goat's the best!  Alright, Floose –”

“Soos.”

“Get ready for the main event.  Something even scarier than Japanese horror movies or that weird mold growing in the corner.”

Sue sat up.  “Okay, but if I don't come back, tell my grandma I love her and give all my stuff to charity.”

“The Mystery Shack appreciates your donations!”

Night was falling and the full moon was out.  Luckily Soup had fixed the golf cart right down to the headlights, so they trundled along the beaten road in relative safety.  Gompers and Soos were in the backseat, the kid's arms wrapped around Gompers like it was a really smelly plushy.  He grinned.  When he was done that goat would be almost as hardcore as Stan himself!

When they got close enough, Stan stopped the truck, hustled around to the trunk and started handing a stuff to Soup.  

“Okay. Run ahead and put these all around the tree ahead.  The batteries are all dying so the light'll flicker all weird and creepy.  This one has a full battery.  Lie down at the bottom of the tree, and then when I give the signal, shine it right at the bark.”

“Sure, Mr. Pines!  Which tree is this again?”

“The one with a human soul was trapped in its bark writhing in agony!”

“Ok!”

Stan gave him a shove and then hustled back to the cart, where Gompers was currently chewing on the back seat.  He hopped back in the driver's seat, waited three seconds and then drove slowly up to the Tree of the Screaming Tourist.  It was hard to see the shape of the messed-up bark, which would make it even creepier when Zeus lit up the flashlights.  

He parked, took his portable radio out of the trunk, and then grabbed Gompers.  He set the goat down in front of the tree, backed up, and hovered his finger over the “play” button.

“Okay, Sluice...NOW!”

From the radio, a hollow scream filled the air and the whole tree lit up with a flickering yellow light.  

“Ha! That's perfect!”

“Baa-aa-aah,” said Gompers.

He grinned, but before he could tell Zoop to step it up, the lights suddenly flickered.  They turned orange, then red.  The radio suddenly crackled with static and he dropped it as electricity singed his hand.  The bark of the tree started moving and a huge ghost-y thing ballooned out of it, just a massive face made of fire and fury. Stan backed up with a shout.  Several tree branches snapped and started bending like spider arms.  One of them swung around from the back of the tree – and a certain pear-shaped mechanic was dangling from its twigs.  

He waved.  “Hi, Mr. Pines!  I'm a hostage!”

The spirit's yellow eyes turned on him.  Its pupils went red. “YOOUUUUU!”

“AAH!”

He sprinted for the golf cart, but the spirit lashed out and smashed it with a bark-covered arm.  He grabbed Gompers and held it up.  

“JUST TAKE THE GOAT, TAKE THE GOAT!”

“Do you know how long my spirit has been stuck in that tree, completely alone, just listening to those stupid squirrel-squids chatter about acorns and sushi?  And after years of waiting for you to come back, you finally bring people to visit me – and you tell every last one of them how terrifying I am, so they'll never!  Come!  BACK!”  The face swelled until it blotted out the sky.  Its heat seared his skin. “AM I SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW, STAN PINES?!”

He screamed and tried to run, dropping the kid, but she swooped down and grabbed him up.  She lifted him higher and higher, squeezing him so tightly he could feel his bones creak.  He could barely breathe!  He had a funny feeling he wasn't the Stan Pines she was talking about, but he couldn't get enough air to tell her that!

“Um, excuse me?  Ms. Tree Spirit?”

They both looked at Soos, who was wiggling one of his chubby little hands to get the spirit's attention.  

“Hrrrrr,” she growled.

He smiled.  “Oh, I'm a him, actually!  Although I do have a feminine softness.  It sounds like you're mad because you've been lonely for so long, right?  But Mr. Pines has been bringing people to see you all the time!”

“They are TERRIFIED of me!”

“Not everyone.”  He pointed.

Gompers was standing on the ground below, absently chewing on a fallen stick. The ghost growled and moved closer, her face distorting until her burning yellow eyes were the size of whole cars, and her face was a gaping maw dripping with reddish flame, mere inches from the goat's puny face.

“DO YOU FEAR ME, LITTLE GOAT?!” she boomed, and her voice was so loud and deep the trees nearby actually shivered and creaked on their roots.

Gompers blinked.  

“Baa-aa-aah,” he said, and resumed his chewing.  

“Hmm.”

“Good goat,” Stan managed.  The spirit scowled and squeezed a little harder.

“But this is not what we agreed to. I don't want people to be afraid of me!”

“But scariness is part of the fun!” Soos said earnestly.  “Plus it's a fun way to spend time together!  My dad never hangs out with me, but Mr. Pines and I watched a horror movie marathon.  And even though I wet myself a couple of times, I wouldn't trade that time for the world.  I'll bet the families who visited you remember how frightening and fun it was, and they'll probably come back to see you again next year!”

Stan could see the spirit thinking it over.  

“Baa-aa-aah,” added the goat.

The spirit snorted and gave Stan a hard look, those ruby peepers staring right into his soul.  “You will keep your promise, Stan Pines?  You will not leave me to suffer in isolation?”

“Guarantee it,” he wheezed.  “Main attraction.  Every tour.  Can't breathe.”

“Very well.  But if you break your promise one more time, the woods will never be safe for you again.”

She let go of Soos and Stan, who hit the forest floor with a dull thump. The spirit withdrew into the bark, lifting her arms to become branches again, while the bark of the trunk twisted and rippled back to its previous shape.  Stan waited for a second, but the tree didn't so much as twitch.  

He sprang to his feet and scooped up the goat.  “Ha!  You did it!  You beautiful monster, you really did it!  You looked that tree-thing straight in the big yellow eye and didn't even twitch!  I bet this goat could handle the frigging apocalypse without batting an eye!”

“Probably!” Soos agreed cheerfully.  

Stan smirked, then mashed Soos' head in a noogie.  “Ya didn't do too bad yourself, there, ya midget.”

“Really?!”

“Uh, are those actual stars in your eyes?”

“For you, Mr. Pines, I would go full-on anime.”

“Don't make this weird, kid.  Now let's see if the golf cart's drivable. I'm allergic to all this bonding and I left my old-man tonic in the Shack.”

“Soda isn't tonic, Mr. Pines.”

“Says you.”

“Baa-aa-aah.”

A/N

“A myotonic goat, otherwise known as the fainting goat, is a domestic goat whose muscles freeze for roughly 3 seconds when the goat feels panic. Though painless, this generally results in the animal collapsing on its side. The characteristic is caused by a hereditary genetic disorder called myotonia congenita. When startled, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against something when startled, and often they continue to run about in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle.”

- from a-source-I-forgot-to-save-the-website-for

Also Nour386 came up with the idea about why the Tree was screaming!  I had a different idea but this one is so much better!!!

@nour386

[vlogsquadlibrary]

Charlie Puth Has an Amazing Talent - D.D

4.9.19 Vlog # 567

David is at Walmart looking for some toilet paper and asks Mason where the toilet paper is. He is yodeling. 

They met this kid who is a big fan of the vlogs and he starts crying. They scare him at his house the next day and hang out with him.

Jeff tells the kid that models don’t poop . The kid thinks Jeff is very hot but not in a gay way.

Durte Dom is showing us his “Coachella” outfit which is a thong and a shirt.

Dom and Big Nik start talking and David fake mutes them.

Jeff is checking himself out in a “mirror” turns out its just one room and Jeff comes over the counter.

Zane is “balding” and David turns the camera to look at Zane’s “reflection” which is this girl with a shaved head.

David is training with his trainer Chris. He does one push up and falls over. Chris pops a confetti canon,a mariachi band comes in, and Natalie is spraying Champagne everywhere.

Erin is driving the Tesla and David calls them very relatable because they are average. 

David asks if he can come film Erin’s bachelorette party. She says sure and he says he’ll cut the footage of her cheating on TJ

David, Carly, Erin, and Jason are at Charlie Puth’s house. Charlie is singing “See You Again”.

Charlie has a disease called Perfect Pitch which means he can hear a pitch and tell which one it is. David and Erin sings a pitch and Charlie gets it.

Jason plays a snippet of some songs and Charlie can perfectly replicate it on the piano.

David meet Benny Blanco and finds out which songs he has wrote. Jason thought Benny was the man mooching off of Charlie.

David is the car listening to Khalid, Halsey, and Benny Blanco’s song Eastside faking like he knows the pitches.

David is at the airport and their is a security dog that says do not touch. David says well do not walk around me because he is adorable.

[the-firebird69]

Is warlock was set up every which Way but Sunday and accept it. We need to give them the hell out of here you need to leave. We need to force them to evacuate everywhere on Earth to the islands and we need to do it now I don't know what everybody else is doing but we need to meet now and I do see it I'm getting a call and I'm getting more calls now and from Forgieners too. It's not the rivers or the harbor is the lakes and they're forcing the poop into the water and that's what Crystal lake is all about this is going to suck this is so bad there's so much s*** everywhere he says so if you clean the s*** out this s*** will stop pulling down in a few days the aquifer sometimes clears and it's actually true so let's get moving there is hope isn't that bad and this guy tommy f after school now we're going after his ships. It was going after the warlock this side ofw him let me get killed by him and they don't care

Mac daddy

Now all we meet

Yes we shall

Thor Freya

Now yes

Mike tew

We needed this but years ago and heck we got to do this and this guy has been pulling our weight for a long time instead of you can't keep being this anchor you like a block of concrete now there's more locker all dead they're all going to be out of here because what they're doing and we have to start working and I mean us the mixed crew and we had to start doing it now and stop being a burden then we can afford US now we can afford people on social security this is ridiculous these people are humongous parasites and the host is going to die and you parasites will die so we suggest you all leave and we want to get involved we want to place in the society this is going to be much better we hear what he's saying and it's true you clear that s*** out Stewart stockpile do whatever you have to do and use it as fertilizer it's good for fertilizer and the aquifer will clear in a few days and it's true it's kind of ecosystem if we wait it's going to get contaminated we have to pull it out of all these stupid lakes and put it somewhere he says there's plenty of holes you just starting a hole you can't really pile it up cuz it bugs a little nuts where you can pile it up and spray it and cover with other dirt and we've done that too and we know how to do that and then we're right again what to do he's right you can pile it up and cover it with dirt and he'll be great cuz you kind of amended we're saying it in now

Billium