#and then i have to stay there for 7-9 HOURS goddd

[chemicaljacketslut]

the way i’ve changed soo much in the past couple of years.. was just looking thru my instagram (inactive for like 2 yrs) and like. that’s not even me. i don’t even recognize that person. and in some ways i’m definitely better and in a better place but i’m other ways i feel so much worse… and i do think this mostly feels weird bc im in such an unstable transitional period where i have no idea who i am and all i feel is nervous for the future. once i’m on stable footing i probably won’t be put in such a tailspin by some old pictures. but goddamn they are spinnin my fuckin tail tonight

[multi-fandom-imagines8]

The New Recruit

Part 9

Part one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

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Summary: Things tense up with Steve, but after you treat his wound and a mission goes not as expected, things start to get back to normal.

Warnings: mention of death, a bit of angst.

A/N: next chapter is going to be about celebrating Steve’s 100th birthday. It’s gonna be fluffy but end with angst and a cliffhanger! 

Word Count: 2593

The last couple of weeks have been very tense and stressing, not just because Steve was harsh on you and kept criticizing you, but because now that you got a promotion, you had to work double as before, which left you with no time to yourself.

After a very stressful day, you returned to the tower very exhausted and to your surprise Thor was there. He never calls or says when he's coming. He always comes unannounced. This time you didn't even have the energy to greet him. He noticed something was different about you today.

“Hey Y/n” he greeted.

“Hi”.

“what's wrong?” he asked.

“Too obvious, huh?”.

“kinda”.

“I've had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with” you groaned.

“really? I didn't think you were that kind of person; who likes to cuddle” Tony was surprised.

“yeah well I'm not. I just had a really long rough day, that's all” you assured him.

“come here, I'll cuddle with you” Thor pointed at the seat next to him.

“really? You like cuddling?” now you were surprised.

“It's one of the humanly things that I like” he informed you.

“who knew, the mighty Thor was a cuddling dude” Tony joked.

“Shut up, Stark. I find it cute” you smiled.

You got yourself a drink and sat next to Thor, resting your head on his chest. His muscly arms were wrapped around you. You turned on the TV and decided to watch something.

“Hey Thor, have you ever watched a TV show?” you asked.

“I watched a movie. I heard series are long and as you can see I don't spend much time on earth” he stated.

“well now you have time and you're gonna watch Game of Thrones with me. I already watched all the seasons but they're showing it today from the beginning. It's one of the best shows ever!!!” you exclaimed.

“But if you watched it, why watch it again?” he was confused.

“That's the life of a fangirl and don't ask what this is. If you love something, you'd want to see more of it, just like it is with humans” you explained.

Later that evening, Steve returned from wherever he was and as he entered, he heard laughs and talking.

“This is great. It has everything in it. I can't believe we've been watching for 7 hours” Thor was amazed by the show.

“I told you it's worth it. Now you're not gonna be leaving Earth any time soon”.

“what's going on here?” Steve asked as soon as he saw you too.

“ooh, my good friend Steve, come join us, we're watching a TV show” Thor excitingly said.

“Good evening to you too, Rogers” you greeted.

“Stop corrupting him. He doesn't need TV shows” Steve ordered.

“This isn't any TV show Steve. It's the Game of Thrones. It's about-”.

“I know what it's about. Y/n why on Earth would you let Thor watch it?” Steve asked.

“Thor honey, it's Game of Thrones, without The. Rogers, it's non of your business. Besides, it's the best show ever!!” you told him.

“It's about sex, incest and fighting, what's so great about that?” he asked.

“Don't forget the deaths of favorite characters. That's what makes the show interesting, you don't know if your loved ones are gonna make it till the next episode or not. And don't be shallow, it's not just about that” you defended.

“wait what? People are gonna die? Who?” Thor asked.

“You just wait and you'll see. And try not to have favorites, they usually die first” you warned.

You and Thor started discussing things about the show and Steve felt like he was left behind. He noticed the chemistry you had with Thor and the way he made you smile and laugh. He slowly backed away and left the room.

- - -

The next day as you entered the training room, you saw Steve. He was using the punching bag near the wall to blow off some steam. You noticed he was angry but didn't know why. You decided to not say a word and started to work out quietly but he noticed you. He got even more upset and started hitting it harder until it fell and he punched the wall. Even the wall cracked. As soon as you saw that, you rushed to him.

“Jesus! Couldn't you take it a bit slower?” you asked.

“Y/n, I'm not in the mood” he was serious.

“here, let me see”.

“it's nothing. Get back to where you were” he tried to hide his hand but you saw him bleeding.

“Sit down. I'm getting the first aid kit” you ordered.

He sat down on one of the peck deck machines and you got down on your knees. You were now sitting between his legs. You took his hand and were about to treat his wound.

“why are you helping me? You dislike me” he asked.

“Because of  my other job, remember? To help people, no matter who they are and treat them objectively” you reminded him.

“well you’re not at the hospital and I'm not your patient” he told you.

“still... doesn't change the fact, that your wound needs attending. Besides, I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me. Because if the wound stayed open and wasn't sterilized it might get infected and then it'll fester and we'll have a problem , because you won't be able to use your hand, which means you won't come on a couple of missions, which to be honest would be somewhat great, but you not going also means there will be less people on the team that leads to more pressure on me and the others” you explained.

“aah, the others. Selfless as always” he mocked and you put rubbing alcohol on the wound.

“ouch” he winced.

“didn't know little things like that make you feel pain” you looked up at him.

“Just stop talking, will you” he demanded.

“I'll be done soon. Bare with me for three minutes, then I'll be out of your sight” you informed him.

“I didn't complain”.

“No, but I am” you gave him a teasing look.

You worked in silent and he observed you and smiled.

“why are you smiling?” you asked.

“It's just you look peaceful when you're working and very focused” he admitted.

“very observant. Aaaand, I'm done. You can go now” you informed him.

“what if I don't want to?”.

“Then you can stay here and stare at this lovely room and maybe prepare some critics/ complaints for the next debriefing, because I'm leaving anyway” you gave him a sarcastic smile and left the room.

- - -

“Good morning Ms. Y/l/n. Mr. Stark requests your presence at the conference room” J.A.R.V.I.S informed you.

“Goddd! I just woke up, can't it wait?” you sighed.

“unfortunately not. He requests your presence as soon as possible”.

“Tell him, I'll get dressed and head there directly after”.

You entered the room, not gibing attention to the others.

“what was so important, that you had to wake me up at this time of the day?” you asked Tony.

“an urgent mission has come up” he informed you.

“ughh, of course it has, what else would it be” you rolled your eyes and sat next to Nat.

“good morning, sleeping beauty” Nat greeted.

“it's not good at all” you noticed Steve was sitting next time and Tony was the one standing.

“aren't you instructing us this time, captain?” you teased.

“no, I decided to plan this one” Tony answered.

“This should be interesting” you stretched your legs on the table and Tony didn't say anything. Steve opened his mouth to say something but then chose not to.

“how's your hand?” you asked.

“better, thanks to you” he lift up his hand to show you.

Tony explained the plan simply and quickly.

“Nat you're with Clint. Thor you're with Banner and Sam's with me. Which leaves you two together” he looked at you and Steve.

“again? Unbelievable!” you whined.

- - -

This mission was about getting information and not getting engaged with anyone.

You and Steve were sneaking past a dozen of agents when you heard something that made you lose your mind. They mentioned the name of the city you lived in. you took a few steps back and listened carefully to what they were saying.

“Last time wasn't enough. They didn't get the message. They still think it was a terrorist attack”.

“This is not the right time. We have to gather our strength again. And we need to plan our revenge on America's golden boy and his two girls; he was referring to you and Nat. They destroyed everything we've built, but we're still here and we'll be stronger than ever. They won't see us coming. I want them to suffer”.

After you heard what they said, you couldn't believe that these people were responsible for everyone you loved, everyone you knew.

“y/n what are you doing? Remember our mission is not to engage” Steve reminded you. But you were beyond that. Rage stormed inside you and pushed the door open.

“It was you all along. I should've known, you heartless monsters. You're gonna pay for what you did” you threatened and one of them  was about shoot you, but thankfully Steve followed you and was in time to put his shield in front of both of you.

“what the hell was that about?” he asked.

All you did was look at him and took the guns from your boots and belt and started shooting non stop.

Steve was about to tell you not to kill anyone, but when he saw how angry you were he didn't. Instead he tried to knock them out, hoping you won't kill them. But even after you were done and saw the knocked out agents, you shot them and made sure every one of them was dead.

Steve never saw you like this before. You've killed before, but you never had this look on your face. It was almost blank, you didn't feel anything for those people, except hatred and rage towards them.

You looked at the camera that was placed on the top corner “you're next. I'm coming for every last one of you” you threatened and shot at the camera.

“Y/n what did you do? I thought the plan was clear. No engaging!” Tony asked.

“I told her that” Steve informed him.

“I'm surprised you didn't even try to stop her” Tony was a bit angry, but nothing compared to you.

You haven't said a word, the whole way back.

When you arrived, you quickly went to your room and Steve followed.

“Hey, what was that all about?” Steve asked in a calm voice.

“It's nothing. Leave me alone Rogers, I'm tired” you started taking off your boots.

“come on, what's wrong? I've never seen you like this before” he tried to get information out of you.

“Nothing is wrong. I'm fine, stop asking” you slightly raised your voice.

“No,you're not. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong and don't try lying to me” he crossed his arms and sat on the chair.

“I'm trying to change, will you please leave”.

“I'll close my eyes, if you need to change right now, but I'm not leaving” he insisted.

“Listen Rogers, I'm not the kind of person who likes to talk about their feelings or share things. I shut people out,, okay. Don't take it personally. It's just easier that way. I don't want to talk about it. I'm just tired, okay” you didn't have the energy to argue with him.

He noticed your facial expressions and decided not to pressure you any longer for the moment “fine, but this isn't over” he left the room.

- - -

The next day, you woke up from a nightmare. You had dreamed about the day you lost everything and everyone. You've spent the past year trying to forget about everything, to try and move on, but now, this changes everything.

“Ms. Y/l/n, Captain Rogers requests entering” J.A.R.V.I.S informed you.

“Tell him I'm asleep”.

“I already informed him that you;re awake”,

“great! Let him in” you sighed.

“what do you want Rogers?” you asked.

“I wanna know what happened. I deserve to know, as your captain. I demand answers. The plan was crystal clear and you disobeyed orders, you must have a convincing reason” he demanded.

“I do. It's personal, so...”.

“I'm gonna need more than that”.

“sorry, no can do”.

“I know what you're trying to do. You're afraid to get hurt, because you feel like you can't trust anyone. You're shutting everyone out, because you want to build a wall, reinforce yourself. You're afraid to get attached if you let them in. you're also afraid that they'll judge you” he believed.

“you're wrong” you lied.

“then prove it” he dared you.

“fine” you told him about that day, you told him everything you remember.

“The last thing I heard was my mother telling me she loved me. I- I didn't say it back. I wanted to but before I could the connection was lost. I should've been with them. Everyone has died. I'm the only one left. That's why I wanted to move to New York, to start over, to try and forget, to move on. I spent three months in my car, not knowing what to do. I mourned them and that was the last time I cried. I made myself a promise to never let anyone so close to me. To never feel like that again. Which is why I keep myself from the world and why I didn't want to join you guys in the first place. It's why I'm not in a relationship or looking for one, there are many different reasons why I don't want a relationship, but that's one of them. I promised myself to never be weak again, to not share anything with anyone. so...” you told him your story.

“I don't think your weak. As a matter of fact, I think you might be the strongest one of us, if you learned how to control your powers. Sharing and crying doesn't make you weak. and now we have one more thing in common, we’ve lost everyone, but now you have a new friends, family” he informed you.

“Don’t forget, you still have Bucky. we just have to find him first. Anyways...If you tell anybody about this conversation, no one will find your remains” you gave him an innocent smile. And he wasn't sure if you were joking or serious.

“I promise, I won't.

“Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for work”.

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