#and then i was triggered and kind lf ignoring it until i got back and couldn't figure out why i was so affected

[linda-rose]

y'all. i'm so tired.

(vent in tags below no pressure to read I just needed to scream nonsense into the void before I went to bed lmao)

[nonamesdiary]

𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝟏𝟐

(3/22/20)

This entry is going to be really difficult for me to write. Also, I am typing this on my phone, so ignore the errors. I'll try not to make this entry too long.

This self-isolation has got me thinking way too much. Perhaps that's not entirely a bad thing, because ignoring this isn't helping at all. I feel like I don't have anyone I can actually talk to about this... Which makes it even more difficult to speak up about it... But... Here we go.

When I was 12-13 years old, I got into a relationship with a girl. She was my first girlfriend. I was young, dumb, and thought I was in love. When her mother found out and split us up.... I. Was. Devastated. My mother said she had never seen me so upset. This girl's mom called up the school and made sure teachers and staff kept us apart. We ended up "dating in secret." I put quotations around that because she ended up cheating on me with a guy a little while after.

Anyways, as the years went on I started to realise that something didn't feel right... Most of the relationships I got into were with females, and I started to dress differently... I cut my hair really short, started dressing more boyish, and didn't feel very comfortable in my own body.

(WARNING: slight triggers ahead... talks of ED, s**cide, and s*lf-h*rm)

Once I reached age 14, I started to starve myself. I barely ate 4-5 meals a week, and when I did they were very small portions. Furthermore, I also started cutting myself. I couldn't take all of the mental/emotional pain anymore. I just wanted to feel something else.

I kept jumping back and forth from more masculine and more feminine looks. It was a nonstop vicious cycle.

Eventually, my parents found out about my self-harming and sent me to a hospital to get help. They didn't know about anything else at the time... During the times of me being 15-16, I started to develop bulimia. It got so bad that I would force myself to throw up almost 4-5 times a day (sometimes more), and I wouldn't stop until my throat or nose bled. Once my parents found out, I was sent to see a counselor.

No matter what I did... I still hated myself. For the longest time I couldn't understand why I hated or what I hated about myself in particular.

(For context, I am now 18 years old.)

During 2018... I tried to kill myself... The environment my entire family lived in was extremely toxic. After my attempt to end my life, my parents finally had enough with where we were living. We've lived in the house since I was about 5-6 years old. I was so happy to hear we would be moving states away. I was tired of watching my family fall apart because of that place.

Last year was the best year of my life. We moved house, I finally went back to public school, made a ton of new friends, was taking care of myself...

But there was always a feeling... Whenever I'd look at myself in the mirror... Something didn't seem right. Every morning when I'd put on my makeup and my outfits I'd always think...

"This isn't me... But it should be, right?"

I felt so bad about myself, and I ALSO felt bad about feeling bad. It's a mess. I went back to dressing more masculine, stopped wearing a ton of makeup, and decided to just be me... But I'm still a girl.

Whenever people would mistake me for a male, my family would instantly correct them... But I didn't care if I was called a male. I actually felt better about it.

I tried talking to my parents about this when I was younger, but they just kept shoving questions down my throat. I was too overwhelmed. I'm sure they thought it was a phase back then... I kind of thought the same thing... I'm still terrified to talk to them or ANYONE about this now.

I don't like me labeled as a female... But that's how I was born as... No one will ever see me differently... At least that's how I feel.

I feel ashamed for feeling this way... When I know I shouldn't.... I feel bad for feeling bad.

I don't like this. I don't like feeling as if I'm lying to people or hiding. I don't like feeling scared of who I am. I don't like having to actively avoid every mirror or every reflective surface... I don't like having to avoid my body... I don't like any of this.

I know I've gotten really far in life and that I could get even farther, but I'm not sure how.

I want to be honest... But I'm so afraid.

I used to cry and pray every night... Asking why I was born this way or why I can't be normal... It still hurts a lot...

Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far. If you have any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated. I hope you all are staying safe and clean.~

[kachinnate]

as you all know, the only venting i ever post on here is reblogged subtle depression feels *sparkle emoji* or an explosion of all the shit that’s happened to me like every three months because i cannot take Any More under a read more 

the three month deadline has come now 

triggers below, check the tags please

this year has unabashedly been the worst year of my life. 

and that sounds dramatic, and i know i could have it worse, and maybe i’m being selfish because literally all the things that have happened this year have been all inner turmoils and i’ve literally had years where my family went through financial struggles + death and stuff and even that doesn’t compare to the emotional toll i’ve went through this year but it’s just. bad. it’s so bad. 

i don’t know how or why but my depression seemed to just fucking turn itself up 8 notches after january hit to the point where i had to tell my dad that i needed medical help lmao... and i got my first diagnosis, my first perscription.. and it didn’t work, so they upped the dosage, and that didn’t work, so now i’m on a new medicine which has a starting dosage of 150mg, and my doctor told me if this one didn’t work she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist, and i must have looked so broken and on the verge of tears when she said this because she immediately had to reassure me that this wasn’t a failure on my own part, which logically makes sense right, but at the same time it’s just so?? fucking disheartening?? after months of my upper dosage not working i just cold turkeyed them until my next appointment which probably wasn’t the Best Thing because shortly following that i realized that i wanted to k*ll mys*lf more in a two week period than i’d have ever in my entire life, and i thought that suicide idealization was an issue i struggled with since forever, but boy howdy was i wrong because these past couple of weeks have been sooooooo fuckin bad lmao. like i struggle opening my medicine because sometimes i dump like all of it out and just. look at it. in my hand. i never actually do it because i’m way too scared of having a seizure or my dad doing something stupid if i were dead but what if. what if what if what if. it’s more of an intrusive thought than me planning on it, but. what if. my new medication has a specific warning that it’s dangerous for overdoses which is. genuinely kind of scary. what if. 

i realized that i don’t have anyone friendwise irl anymore over the course of this school year. to save you and myself the retelling of the most bullshit high school drama i’ve ever been apart of, i realized that all my friends in my Group (tm) couldn’t care any less about me than they already do. i’ve always adored them and loved them with all of my being, and yeah i am not endowed to their appreciation back i guess, but watching them slowly and gradually ditch me and exclude me and ignore me and go out of their way to show me that they don’t care about my existence has been the biggest fucking emotional blow. people outside of this group told me that they were awful people and bad for me and so incredibly toxic and guess what? i defended them and now the fact that i was wrong makes me want to tear my fucking guts out. i spent three whole years with these group of people only for them to decide in the past six months that i’m not worth it. i feel so fucking empty. one of those people was supposed to be my best friend of nine years. and i still fucking love him despite all of that, y’know? i love all of them even though they have made me sob every night over the latter course of a school year and feel unsafe in a club that i was once prominent in and that’s so bullshit and so unfair but it’s fine it’s whatever. and like, i should have seen it coming, because the build up was them treating me so fucking badly. it’s an ongoing joke that despite being rank 1 in my class, i’m.. an idiot? like it’s a joke that haha i’m short and haha i’m stupid and haha i can’t interact with people and i have debilitating anxiety and i make mistakes all the time and i’m the ditzy lesbian of our friend group, even when i express that i hate being called stupid but they just insist that they’re joking with me and that i’m too sensitive. i can count on one hand the amount of times they picked at me for my eating habits even though at least one of them knew i have a pretty bad ED. they picked and picked and picked at me and then when we have our first fight they all immediately fucking drop me, and i still love them and i still try to fix everything but suddenly i’m not worth the effort anymore. it’s draining. i’m so, so tired. outside of the toxic group(tm), anyone that was close to me as i friend (or otherwise) i ended up pushing away or drifting away from or fucking up the relationship on my own, and even if it’s ‘Okay’ on objective terms, to know that i fucked up something that was once really really nice and now i can’t even feel comfortable opening up a message first because i know i’ll get left on read or, even worse, have to read a one-sided, hardly caring/pitying conversation makes me just not want to bother at all. it’s so hard to reach out to the few people i know do kinda sorta care for me, but the fact that i’ve been absent for this long? it makes the few relationships i have strained and forced so i can’t even bring myself to put myself out there knowing that it’s only going to make me feel worse

working makes me?? so miserable ????? i worked at pizza hut up until the beginning of june and while i was good at it and i had friends there, i didn’t get paid enough so i had to quit. i started a new job. i fucking hate it. i actively dread going there. people refuse to train me or are incredibly fucking disrespectful/unfriendly to me if i ask for help or just don’t know how to do something. i feel bad ranting about it because every single person i’ve asked for advice from just says that i’ll get used to it or it’s in my head, which.... regardless of whether or not it is, making me feel like it’s my fault or that i’m being crazy makes me feel sooo fucking sick and like i’m actually insane. i heard it enough from my friends this year. i’m so tired of being blamed for things happening that, while they might be worsened by the anxiety in my head, it isn’t JUST THAT. sometimes things are just BAD but they’re not because I’M making them seem bad, they genuinely just are!!!! not everything is in my head !!!!! things can be upsetting with it being solely because i’m fucking anxious every moment of every fucking day !!!!! regardless i need money so i can’t quit but goddammit i hate every minute i’m not at my house. 

all in all, i just feel so, so fucking alone. i have friends on here, and i’m so thankful for them - i’m so grateful to every lovely message i’ve gotten on anon and i’m so thankful for my buds on discord and i’m so thankful for streams and my stream team and i’m so thankful for people who follow me for musicals or art and actively talk to me about them - but it’s just.. here. when i log off and step back from my computer, i’m just immediately fucking alone again. if i were to disappear one day, no one would know what happened to me or where i went, and eventually no one would even care, given that anyone even noticed my absence to begin with. i’m so replaceable. i’m literally just another fucking face on here. another cutesy musical blog ran by a very, very fucking dysfunction kid

anytime i’m shown any shred of kindness, i just. start sobbing. like i cannot even interact like a person, or hell, like the person i was a year ago. this girl i’d been talking to momentarily told me that for as much as i’m there for other people, i need someone that i can jsut lean on and have care about me, and like. i cried. so much. when was the last time i had that? when was the last time i just had someone, anyone just to be here for me? and again, not saying it in a way like i deserve that or am entitled to that, but god fucking damnit i haven’t just rant on and on or spilled my feelings to someone without worrying that they’d get upset with me or deflect it back onto themselves in so, so long. i just want someone to listen. i just want someone to care. 

and it’s who i try to be, all the time. the person that cares, the person that listens, and that just might be part of the problem. i say this all the time, and it’s a mantra and probably one of the main highlighted points that comes with my depression: i put so, so much out, so much energy and love and time, and i get almost nothing back. and it takes suuuuch a fucking toll. in such, it causes me to retreat and suddenly just cut people off or distance myself because i’m scared of letting myself get hurt again because the emotional turmoil i go through genuinely, genuinely almost fucking kills me every time. when that whole thing happened with my friend group, i went days without eating and just. wouldn’t talk. wouldn’t do anything other than school. because school is my safety, i can always rely on school, school will always be there - so i threw myself in school and overworked myself and overmaxed my credit hours and like. if i didn’t have that, if i didn’t have my classes, i really don’t know if i’d be here right now. and it sounds dramatic and i’m sorry, i hate it too, but it’s just the fucking truth.  but - yeah again, i’m the person that’s always there. that’s why i never fucking rant like this on here. i don’t want to be triggering, and i don’t want to cause people distress, and i want people who are having a hard time to see my blog and maybe feel a little bit better and feel happy and have fun. but in the end, this is the only place i have to scream out into the void because i genuinely don’t have a space to do that in real life anymore. nothing. there’s nothing else. 

i’ve always said that when i go to college, i’m just going to do a hard-reset and change up everything. reinvent myself. but sometimes i really don’t see myself getting out of this year alive, or at the very least in one piece. i’m already fucked in so many regards. i’m predestined to be an alcoholic. my brain is actively trying to fucking detonate itself. i’ve never been in love, and sometimes i worry that i never will be. i cry and cry and cry out, but i can’t get help. my solutions to problems is just working until i forget or sleeping until i forget or just finding an alternate way to fucking forget. everything that i’m looking forward to is so incredibly temporary or so short lived or so pathetically small in the grand scheme of things. i have to stay alive to see my AP scores on july 5th. i have to stay alive because i promised my friends i’d stream on this day. i have to stay alive because i promised addie i’d go see this show with her in september. but it’s not for me. it’s never for fucking me. i couldn’t care less. 

i’m not going to ever kill myself because i’m too scared of the pain or the symptoms that i’ll feel right up to it. but otherwise, i really don’t know why else i’m obligated to stay here.