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saintobio · 3 years

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the new chapter is amazing. not you making yn have a disease and make her suffer more than she already has😭😭 if i was in her shoes i wouldn't know what to do, it's just pain after pain after pain.

GOD you have no idea how good it felt to see yn ignoring gojo when he tried to apologize to her. he truly deserves that. fuck him.

also, it's really awful how sera completely dismissed how he felt about his mother leaving him like come on how are you so desperate to be with him but you couldn't accept that side of him????

also i'd like to know if she has always been that awful to her mother and siblings? i know she struggles all her life but she seems really ungrateful...

bsjdnsj dw yn’s got this :’) hopefully she’ll pull through in the end. if not <//3 as for ur question, sera’s not always like that w them but she does frequently blow up these days bc of work-related stress, pressure, and gojo lmao

Anonymous said

Can I please take my bags and go live with Toji? megumi needs a stepmom💞💞💞💞✨✨✨

I would like to point out many points but I do not think I am capable enough to detail all things😭 Just imagine if s*ra became pregnant and refused to abort it ☠️ I think that Mr. Gojo is that man who would force her to do it and pay her a good sum of money to keep the silence idk

Incredible chapter! please take good care of yourself, drink plenty of fluids and rest well🥺 Thank you for writing this masterpiece, I screamed in several scenes and cried in some gshdhhshs I send you a lot of love from here, Ai 💕💕

Sorry my bad English

guroyeu said

tw // sexu*al assault and hospital/illness things

waaa i can officially say that this was the second time where i actually teared up!! having yn remembering about the death of her mother was what got me. i’ve had a similar experience, except my uncle did end up making it after a few months. the first time was when i read about yn getting sexually assaulted cause it made me remember about my experiences with it back in highschool and middle school (and from my best friends at that time also 😟 humans suck sometimes)

so, we learn more about sera and her point of view with everything that is happening in her own personal life inside her own small apartment she got for her family. i empathized with her SO much from the beginning because my family was also not very rich. but all i can say from sera’s pov is that she’s a fucking bitch. from her pov, there was a statement that said, “See, this was the difference you and her. You didn’t experience this much hardship in life for you to complain about not winning Satoru’s heart.” honestly, fuck her. the hell does she know about yn and her personal problems?? how is she gonna complain about yn not having problems and also refuse to listen to her own boyfriend that she probably doesn’t even genuinely love?? i’m pretty sure she only likes him cause of his reputation?? idk. when satoru was showing his flawed side (when he was all stressed) then sera seemed to really hate it. she obviously doesn’t want to listen to satoru’s problems because she wants to view satoru as this one oh so strong man that she can always lean on. like satoru isn’t always going to be perfect. he’s literally in love with u. there is just so much to say about sera, but i’m sure ur other asks have that covered ;)

my feelings towards gojo have been going up and down and up and down. now we know for sure he really wants to treat yn well, and that’s good!! that’s really good. but should she forgive and accept his actions? uh no lol. but i also feel bad for gojo BUT I DONT WANNA HELP SNAJNS

again, i am so so so grateful for ieri and suguru in this chapter. both of them make my heart go brr 💓💗💕💞💘 also, toji was really nice!! i’m so glad he’s yn’s comfort character in her life cause he really does make her feel at ease <33 AND I AM SO SORRY I JUST SUBMITTED MY ASK FROM WHEN I READ CHAPTER 8. i always start reading ur updates at 12-1am (when i get in bed) since my day is too chaotic for me to start reading at 7pm since that’s when it updates here. so i basically sent u 2 asks today which i am so so sorry for cause ur ask box is constantly piling up. thank u so much for this chapter ai!! i feel like yn is really doing better at letting satoru go now and i just hope the best for the best girl <3

@primmaa said

bae, i have no words. i was screaming the whole chapter AAKJSSNSBSBSBS. i hope sera actually took the plan b(wouldn't be surprised if she didn't tho). this chapter was really the turning point for all three of them. sera's true colors are starting to show, gojo's realizing his stupidity & mc is starting to put herself first now. i hope we get to see her actually be happy now that she's realized she needs to prioritize herself more.

as always ai, ur writing is amazing! please make sure u get enough rest & that u eat properly. take care!

Anonymous said

i didn’t find chapter 8 sad so i wasn’t expecting to find chapter 9 sad but i cried so much. i also can’t help but feel for sera, like yes she’s a bitch but her life is genuinely so bad and now i kinda get why she’s so jealous. also i have a feeling that after this chapter, toji will not have an important role in the story at all and might not even be in it. you mentioned a while ago, that you didn’t want to do another main character death (but u might’ve changed your mind) so i hope that y/n doesn’t die. i loved this chapter so much, make sure u take care of yourself <3

(also can i be 🪆anon if it isn’t taken plz)

@japanesevenom said

GODDAMN IT IM CRYING ITS THREE IN THE MORNING IM DYING GODDESS AI PLEASE make it a happy ending heal my heart and end poverty you’re so good at writing man I can’t even express the feelings your expressions made me feel except pain and trauma and sleep deprivation I’ll rant more in the morning if asks are still open because I have lots of heartbreak and I will never recover really y/n energy lmfao blame this on the lack of sleep to say

Anonymous said

just read ch 9! I have some things to say Abt sera. honestly as much as i hate sera, her whole ordeal of being a terrible person is low-key understandable. especially if you're within close proximity with so many rich people whose behavior in our eyes could seem awful. Terrible. but that's the most I'd go to sympathize with her lol. the rest of it? flipping out on your entire family? itd have been tolerable if her younger sibling wasn't there, like that was so uncalled for. you're having problems with your boyfriend and you take it out on your whole family? girl step back and rethink your actions. goddamn. I rlly don't like sera lol </3 I think she really needs to look at her own position here and that complaining and whining and demanding as someeone in a lesser economic position wouldn't do anything for her and would just make her own life worse.

also ai you rlly meant it when y said that 'there's nowjere else to go but up' doesn't exist in ur dictionary. now miss girl yn has a heart condition? wow. amazing. beautiful. i love sn u r doing so well 💔

Anonymous said

ngl i do feel bad for sera a little bcs i can see why she's bitter abt life and all but it doesnt mean she has the right to blame everyone for her misfortune. she cant just call our baddie y/n selfish when she got mad at her mother for buying shit meat (ik she had a frustrating day but that part was hilarious to read )😭😭 i feel like she only likes the idea of g*jo and the attention he gives her + that money 🤪 she doesnt like the emotional baggage he comes with (which ik that some ppl arent emotionally capable of dealing with other ppl's feelings and thats understandable but she didnt have to be rude) i felt bad for his furby ass when she told him to "just move on" from his childhood trauma. i was neutral abt sera at first bcs she really didnt do anything wrong but then she started to open her mouth and only shit came out of it. i dont necessarily resent her(what a lie) or mr.furby (another lie) but i am intrigued to see them fall off their rusty ass tricycle.

i love the way you write y/n so so much bcs she's just so realistic and actually feels like a real person and not just some character that was designed to please the audience. like i understand her choices bcs of the way u write her character.

anyway, i am obsessed with this series and i love you so much ai !! please take care of yourself and im so sorry to hear that someone plagiarised your work (that fucking sucks) also, i love your anons bcs they're all either so funny or smart 😭 i normally dont send asks bcs im shy both irl and on the internet but i just want to let uk that i really appreciate your work and especially you !! sending u lots of love and i hope u have a great week !!

@rchslxtt said

Another great chapter, thank you ai!❣️

I used to sympathize with Sera since I've been in her place before. Loving someone first, having them first, only for them to another woman as their end game. But now, it's a whole different story. After reading Sera’s point of view, I don't think she truly loves Gojo. Maybe she does, but only the stability she knows for sure he will give her once she married him. Like having endless amounts of money in her bank account, having not to worry over what kind of food she can eat or not worrying whether she has money to buy for it. I think Sera thinks—being born into a wealthy family will solve all your problems. She's wrong. Definitely wrong. Sera doesn't realize how lucky she is to still have both her parents even if they're “failures” as Sera portrayed them as. Having both of your parents is a luxury. Something you shouldn't take for granted. As someone who grew up rich, not wealthy, money is not the answer to everything. I'd rather not have money if I could have both of my parents back.

Back to what I said about why I used to sympathize with Sera, here's an advice. Even if you had them first doesn't necessarily mean they will love to the end. People change as well as their feeling towards you. They might love you now, but you never know in the future. It's better to move on than to keep hurting yourself burying yourself in delusions that you will still have them towards the end.

Sera, if you want stability, find a new rich man who can satisfy your needs. But make sure his family is not going to set him up in an arranged marriage.

Anonymous said

Like. I didnt even finish reading the chapter but this Sera bitch is so toxic. It's so clear how she only fell for the poised and perfect image of gojou who could give her the perfect materialistic life she desires. She doesn't care about him. It made me so pissed to see her disregard gojou the minute he started to talk about his mother, like it wasn't even worth her time!! She pressures him into giving favorable answers, like how she expected him to apologize (for what, like, bitch???) and was oh so hurt when he didnt. She blames y/n for so much, like being rich means being born without troubles. So you have a terrible boss and a horrible home life. Shouldn't you be more humble and understanding then??? Shouldn't that have taught you some dignity?? Some empathy??? I also assumed she would've been more sympathetic to gojou seeing as her ma Is a sweet lady( from what i read) under the thumb of her father ( The father probably pressured the ma into giving up the money for alcohol. Like how gojou's parents had a rocky power imbalance or something.) I just wanna smack fire into this lady since I doubt you can smack some sense into her. And, speaking as someone who grew up dirt poor and is still poor, what is she going on about??? Fish is very good and I bet loads better than what she had to make do before. She's complaining about food??? She wants WAGYU BEEF???? Do you know how EXPENSIVE that is?!?!? I would be glad to get a bowl of rice, thank you very much. Good god. I'll probably send in something later since your words evoke so much from me, that I fear I might have a heart condition too. Keep doing what your doing love, your killing us but it hurts too good to stop.

Anonymous said

this chapter made me tear up. wow.

when i read the part about y/n being diagnosed with a heart condition, it made my eyes go wide and i was literally staring at my screen like (° °").

moving on to sera, i feel like she's going in the wrong direction when thinking about y/n, saying that she didn't have to suffer and how she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and what sucks about that is how she doesn't know that y/n is not living it well. but then again, she hasn't suffered as much as sera. i was starting to feel remorse for her, but when she called her mom useless after she was trying to cook a meal for her family, i thought about my mom and how she worked extremely hard for my siblings and i to live a good life, and how she actually continues on to work for us, i became so mad. and she even had the audacity to say something along the lines of "i should've been born into a rich family". like okay sera, i understand you don't like your current living condition, but you didn't need to say that.

now talking about gojo, kudos for him for telling sera to take plan b and for also saying that she's not valuable enough to ruin his life. even though i still dislike gojo with a passion, i was rooting for him in that scene. and also, thank you to gojo telling miwa (i love that girl so much wow) to order a boquet of roses for us, but i don't think mr. satoru understands that buying us gifts isn't go to make us want to come back to him, but what absolutely made my heart drop was when we started crying in the bed. jesus christ. i guess he actually is starting to feel something for us.

i like the advice toji was giving out to us, i could never think of anything like that.

anyways, thank you for the chapter. it wasn't as emotional for me as the last one (which i thank you for). you never miss when writing, and that shows that you have an extremely creative mind. kudos to you for that. this chapter was written so nicely. have a good day! <3

Anonymous said

YES I AM EARLY!! FUCK YESS!!!! AI-SAMA!! ILY ILY ILY ILY!!😭😭 I LOVE CHAPTER 9 IT HEALED ME A BIT🥺🥺 ahhhhjm so worried about BBYGIRL YN!!

Also omg Miwa lovelyy!! So glad to see you here!!!! Omg omg why am i a excited about Miwa!! I can imagine her, despite admiring Hoejo Slutoru as an outstanding business tycoon, Miwa aint the type to be flirty with him.. i can imagine Miwa as the first secretary who isn't problematic! Maybe Miwa can even help Hoejo to woo the Queen (but pls, MRS ZENIN SUPREMACY)

Also when Hoejo said *beep* *beep* *beep* and that particular scene of *beep* the ring *beep* *beep*, me be like y'all hear sumn?🤨🤨🤨🧐🧐🧐🤔🤔🤔 Probably just the wind!!🤗🤗🤗🤗

Sincerely yours,

Anon 😻

Anon 😻 cant stop SIMPING over the most important part of the chapter: MRS ZENIN😻😻😻😻😻😻

Anonymous said

NAURRRR JUST WHEN I THOUGHT ITS NOT GONNA HURT ANYMORE BUT YOU DECIDED TO ADD SOME MORE SPICES 😭😭😭😭😭

but this is the great opportunity for y/n to stand up for herself, focus on her happiness and career, prove to the stupid bitch that y/n is not the so-called spoiled brat. her rising up as a famous fashion designer would be a major slap on sera. i like how y/n just decided to focus on herself like "oya oya bitch? you thought I'm gonna stay quiet like a princess do you?" y/n deserves all her happiness that she's trying to pursuit from now on, AS SHE SHOULD!!!!

I don't wanna talk about her illness 😀 knowing about it was also a slap on my face. Death is her trauma. But y/n is facing death like a brave warrior, I'm so proud of her.

Gojo, huh? He's going to be really devastated knowing about her heart condition, knowing that he's the major sources of her pain would make him suffer even more now that he finally realized that sera couldn't care less about his trauma but his ideal self that she created.

Anyway, good job author-nim for making me cry again 😘

Anonymous said

First of all, this is my first...ask, like really. My first ask.

Ch9 is sooooo good, I had to read it multiple times to heal my aching heart that Ch8 caused. Seeing Gojo trail after our Y/n, who's finally thinking about herself (yeees, I love you.), is so satisfying, how the tables have turned GOHOE SATORU. REPENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU BECOME AN ASSHOLE TO OUR GIRL AGAIN BECAUSE OF *retch* Sera- *reeeetch*, I WILL FUCKING HOLLOW PURPLE YOUR ASS!!!

Speaking of Sera, the fuck you doing? Huh? Blaming Y/n for something she didn't do? This must be her way of coping, blaming others and not herself. LIFE IS NOT FAIR FOR EVERYBODY YOU BEEECH. Instead of blaming others, what she should've done is move her family away from her gambler of a father and herself away from Gojo because these two aren't good for her. Gojo's indecisiveness will only irritate her further and make her do something bad (like bad bad, like veeery bad) while her father is the main cause of their money situation. Also, why the fuck do you think was it a good idea to move into a house? When you're drowning in debt? Shouldn't you pay your debt first? Be grateful that you have a caring mother and siblings. Your situation could've been way worse.

IF YOU HAVE A SMART MOUTH, DOESNT THAT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE A SMART BRAIN? WHY DON'T YOU STAY AWAY FROM YOUR FATHER, TALK SENSE IN YOUR MOTHER, AND SAVE UP MONEY?? PAWN OFF THAT FREAKING NECKLACE.

Also, a question for the great angst writer, Saintobio:D

Will we see a face off between our badass Y/n and bitchass S*ra? I would love to see/read Y/n talking so politely to Sera but her words are sharp and condescending. I want Sera to feel what she made Y/n felt during their talk in Bora Bora (I still have PTSD from the previous chapter.)

You're so talented, Author, ahhhhh your writing is just *chef's kiss everywhere*✨ P E R F E T T O ✨

@jojoangelley said

Ai this chapter is so amazing as always!! I haven't so emotionally invested in anything so far as much as Sincerely Not! You are so talented 🥺🥺💕💕

It's ironic how Gojou is the one seeking for y/n attention this morning and is so desperate for it. I'm really satisfied when Getou really said it straight to Gojou's face and told him about how y/n went out looking for his ring. Gojou's suffer arc starting now!!

Meanwhile, it's so worrisome that y/n has developed sickness :( I believe she would be fine, y/n is a good person life will treat her well eventually. And she started taking action for her passion. With the help of Toji, y/n would easily succeed + her talent and trusted team!

I personally relate a lot with y/n this is why I can truly apply myself to the story and feel everything vividly 🥰

Thank you so much Ai for bringing a masterpiece to us and thanks to Sincerely Not! you have connected us together as a whole to share our emotions, thoughts and love for this work. We really came to your place talking like we have known each other for years 🤣🤣

I hope you are taking care of yourself and stay safe :) Always take your time and rest as much as you can! ❤❤❤

Anonymous said

this chapter made me hate sera more than i already do. she stay calling mc selfish, but just from the scene with her pov, she's the selfish one. she's constantly blaming mc for gojo's actions, denying the fact that, despite being rich, mc is still a human being and can have problems and go through hardship like anybody else. she won't let gojo talk about his problems and won't make any effort to console him at all, telling him to just "move on." please tell me sera will be forced to realize that just because she's poor doesn't mean she's the only one with real problems in the future 😭 i'm glad gojo didn't take back his words.

speaking of gojo, i don't know how to feel about him anymore. like he seems to want to be better and is remorseful, but i just can't forget how he used to be. i mean, he literally triggered the heart condition we have. well not triggered, but he worsened it, and now if we don't pull away, we could die. he's literally killing us. and if he finds out, i hope he feels the full weight of that.

i can't wait for more interactions with toji! i feel like it's going to drive gojo insane if he sees reader be happy when with toji but cold with him (he'll finally get a taste of his own medicine 😈).

anyway, thank you for another great chapter 😘!! (if you take anon requests i think i should just ask to be 😘 anon now lmao)

Anonymous said

(I wanted to send it after ch 8 but I couldn't 😭 Excuse my English, I'm not good I'm writing with my trash grammar knowledge)

I LOVED CHAPTER 8 YOUR WRITING WAS AMAZING I also felt sad but thats the point anyways

What Sera said when they were alone hurt my feelings lol. Idk I always think twice while I'm talking with anyone about something important and thinking what I'm saying might hurt their feelings. I get yea she's angry but you don't have to be a bitch about it. (And she really acted like a spoiled brat when telling gojo tell her I'm the most prettiest and you only love me. I only saw a little girl idk lol.) I would talk more about Sera but I think people already said a lot of things. it's just that what she said and her actions wasn't good. I don't care what can happen but a person always should be calm, respectful towards the person in front of them and shouldn't let the anger get them. even if you don't like the person. Also she lacks emphaty. She only thinks her struggles as a person. Her struggles are money related and I guess family, she's financially trying to keep her family up. Her struggles are valid I'm sure it's hard to keep up. She's really strong and she's hardworking. I guess only problem when she sees someone that doesnt have her struggles she immediately thinks they have the best but in fact all of us have struggles in life. Whether it be less complicated than yours or not, we have to pass through them and learn. I'm hoping that she can apologize to y/n for her childish behavior??

Okay, now gojo. I'm thinking this man is really stupid or he acts this way. He's so insensitive and selfish. I'm sorry for him what he had been through that might explain some of his behavior but not excuse it. So don't be an asshole. What is he thinking? Like they're (both him and Sera) blind to see what's in front of them and treating y/n poorly. He really shouldn't go to trip with his mistress and wife because it's already obvious that it's not gonna end well. Then he complains about his wife is being cold to him. Mf what do you expect? Show some respect to your wife.

My little y/n :((( she's trying her best and still nobody sees it. I'm wishing her the best. When they argued what she said to gojo was harsh. I often don't talk about my struggles or trauma because after that people might use it to insult me. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of that but that happened and I felt like shit. It also caused me to not to open up to people. I'm thinking what gojo felt? Even tho she immediately apologized and it was probably because of her anger it doesn't change the fact that can damage gojo and he can be more secretive to only person comforts him :( He should go to therapy. Again, I'm wishing the best to all and I hope she divorces him. Also I'm thinking what gojo will do because if Sera gets pregnant he should start to forget y/n. If Sera gets pregnant and theyre still together their marriage would be the worst. Andd, Gojos friends were nice. They tried to comfort y/n and making situation less awkward. I really felt like they care about y/n so that make me happy. They were nice to her whole time.

Okay okay lastly I really love your writing. Thank you for sharing. Buttt please rest. You're doing so much and I really appreciate it, love it but please rest. Don't rush, it's okay if you didn't reply all asks or continued ch. Youre more important so don't push yourself. Hope you're taking care of yourself or you will be punished with love and hugs. (virtual ones) Never forget to rest, eat your meals and stay hydrated!!!

Anonymous said

(sending this before I read chapter 9) mmm everytime I think about SN, thr words "tragic fate" pops up in my mind so i'm just gonna ramble.

Sera gets pregnant and both her and Gojo decide to keep the baby.

At this point, Reader is so done with their bullshit and gets a divorce, then Gojo ends up living with Sera to take care of her. He realizes during her pregnancy that they're just not right for each other and they have never loved each other - despite this, he will stay to take care of the child and Sera, and promise to still try and make their relationship work. Along with Gojo, Sera also realizes that when Gojo loses everything - his wealth, inheritance, power, standing in the hierchary. She's like - "damn I only liked the fantasy of being with a rich future CEO....Now that he has nothing but trauma and depression, I don't want him anymore!!"

Then after 9 months, Sera dies from childbirth, baby gojo dies right after labour and gojo literally sees both of their deaths. Gojo is left a man who got disowned by his father for his divorce + getting his mistress pregnant + not getting the merger (just being an overall failure.)

He regrets everything he did to Reader and wishes he hadn't said such nasty things to her when they were still married. He has a pillow he keeps next to him to make his bed feel less empty, he writes post-it notes for himself pretending that Reader wrote them, and he still uses that shampoo she used.

He reminisces on their past together and cries. "How did we end up this way? Where did it first go wrong?""

Then while he's wallowing in misery, Reader is enjoying the time of her life as a hot rich designer with a handsome husband (Toji) and cute step-son. Oh & she's pregnant.

She runs into Gojo 2 years after chapter 8, with her baby son in arms. They have small friendly chit-chat, talking about how they've been doing, and she tells him that there are no hard feelings anymore, she's happy, while Gojo is left silent at what she said as he thinks about his own fate ((because what if he had treated her better before?))

Soo he weeps in the end thinking about how Reader's baby son resembles her, like "what if that were our baby 😢" UM boohooo satoru piss off 🐈🐈🐈

Anonymous said

CH.9 OMG!!! Another great chapter, and the angst was really bearable this time so score!

OMG MC with her heart condition. Poor bby just can’t take a break and I’m kinda sad that a really serious illness is what took her the courage to see her worth and distance herself from hoejo. But I’m loving it the role reversal. And her trauma with her mom dying right infront of her, I can’t even begging to explain how much that hurts and the burden of carrying that type of feeling with you for a decade gosh! But yess bitch walk your shit queen, make your boutique a dream come true!

IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS ZENIN FAMILY BONDING !!!! Future Mrs. ZENIN IN THE HOUSE‼️‼️

Sera. SERA. Idk where to begin honestly, she’s a manipulative bitch, she’s over here talking about MC knowing her place like BITCH know YOURS. YOUR ARE THE MISSTRESS GET IT THROUGHT YOUR STINGY ASS HEAD.

Like honestly I don’t understand why she calls MC entitled and all when she’s over here not even appreciating what she has lolz. Like bitch we get your poor, half of the worlds population is poor but be thankful for what you have, like atleast your can have dinner, have a room over your head PEOPLE DONT HAVE THAT.

This is a theory but what is she didn’t take plan b but has a missacrage because of the stress and how she’s been skipping meals but tell hoejo she’s having his demon spawn, but when hoejo gets disowned by his family and loses his title or spot in the company she’s like SIKE BITCH YOU THOT

Idk if she was saying this in like a spoiled bitchy way but the MEAT. This girl pissed over MEAT😀. If you want meet go ask for Hoejos meat…. Oh way he might not even want you anymore but he realizes his feeling for MC.

Miss gurl out here joking about not taking the plan B like…. that ain’t gonna help you sooner or later, if you can’t apreciate the small things in like how tf you gonna take care of a whole ass child

A CHILD YOUR MAN SAID HE DONT WANT

(really clown girl shit right here)

Hoejo babe I love you for the realization but it’s over. PERIODT.

Feel the pain and agony and my you Rest In Peace when MC leaves your ass to take over the fashion industry with the Zenins and leave your ass in the dust with that dusty ass SERA🐱 and your demon child😚

Anonymous said

wow i have no words for this chapter… it truly hurt but it didn’t hurt like chapter 8. this tike of hurt was something else and i cant believe im saying this but im starting to soften up to satoru. UGHH im so weak bye😭😭😭 i cant believe i feel kinda bad for him already when this is just the start of his redemption arc. also… THE HAPPINESS IN MY HEART WHEN HE TOLD SERA SHE WASNT VALUABLE. i wanted him to shake her off and end things with her right there but instead he let himself get manipulated by sera into feeling bad about his trauma. thats fucking crazy. talking about sera, she’s such a (pardon my language) fucking bitch. the way she was coming at her parents saying that they are useless bc they are poor… wtf??? she isnt humble at all. she is such a bad person. i feel so bad for her family having to depend on a daughter like that. i have a question tho, does her father abuse them?? bc even tho he is a drunk he doesn’t seem to be the type that gets physical?? or well he didn’t give those vibes. my hate for sera is even bigger rn and she wonders why people don’t like her💀💀 im starting to think it has nothing to do with her status as she swears but bc she has a bitchy ass personality. she’s so annoying. i hate her. i hate. her.

@yourstarvic said

OKAY SO! Gojo is a HYPOCRITE!!! Like bro you got what you wanted and now you’re not liking it??? Be careful what you wish for.

AND SERA PARENTS SEEM OKAY!!! Like yeah the dad had a gambling problem and a drinking problem but like he loves his kids!!! And the mom is so sweet! And sera is out here being ungrateful!!!! They can’t do anything about their financial situation so at least be grateful of what you have!!!!

And also… I don’t think she took the plan B… seems kinda sus how she got defensive (but I kinda get it? Like I would be hurt too if the man I “love” wouldn’t want a baby with me) and they way she was looking at herself in the mirror snd imagine it as if she was expecting it??? Or!!! Could be lying about the pregnancy test??? Idk???? It just seems fishy to me and you do things with a reason and with you saying how Gojo nutted in her is a BIG THING!!!!! I’m so excited to know what you are going to do!!!

AND YES YN!!!! PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!! WE LOVE TO SEE IT!!!! Make that man SUFFER!!!!

Anonymous said

OH BOY OH BOY WHERE SHOULD I STARTTTT....

franticay running around while reading Chapter 9- oKay so uH- first things first, Sera, fuck u, if u thinking ur life is pure suffering because of ur "useless parents" go fuck yourself, literally your mother is doing her best right now for the family. I understand ur working and all but like why the fuck are you like this smfh.

IT'S JUST AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER RN WITH Y/N LIKE, SHE DOESN'T DESERVE HER ILLNESS, REALLY SHE DOESN'T 😭 its literally so fucking heartbreaking how she has her illness when she's already suffering emotionally and mentally like- Ai 😭 p l e a s e our baby girl doesn't deserve death 😭😭😭😭😭

Gojo get ur shit up I don't give a fuck what u do, get ur fucking shit up like I swear to god regretting impregnating Sera? Hope you fuckin regret it for the rest of your life man! Like! I can't even t o l e r a t e you anymore after Chapter 8 🙄 Literally raging and wanting as a revenge to pull a pregnant card on Sera well FINE DO IT. I bet after yall get married Sera just gonna do worser things, just seeing how she treat her parents and even so her younger siblings with such coldness, i think something gonna go wrong here 👌

also i have a theory, one day like in a social event for only major like maaajor companies like Toji, Gojo and Y/N's families, what if Toji and Gojo clash head to head and that causes Y/N stress as she collapses like in Bora Bora how she passed out from crying and they send her to the hospital find out her heart condition just getting worse and worse, please that will be the emotional wrecker for Gojo because the doc prob gon come out of that door and say "Mrs Gojo has a heart disease and she is under very much stress right now." and it will shatter like everyone's hearts there(dont know bout toji tho...)

Honestly i dont know I have no hope for the marriage rn I just want Y/N to be treated better, have a better life and give herself the feeling of euphoria once more so that she can live her life to the fullest without her worrying abt her illness so that she can go on to the afterlife with happy memories

Anonymous said

TW:SUICIDE

Hey Ai! Omg is it okay if i call u that? I'm sorry i just see other anons calling u that but if it's not okay then I'm really really really really sorry 😭 anywayss the reason I sent this ask is cuz I really just want to thank you, I've been very depressed and is very suicidal from the passed months because of a very depressing event that occurred and everyday whenever I'd wake up I'll always be so mad and annoyed cuz "why the fuck did i even wake up?" "Why didn't I just die in sleep?", But since I stumbled upon sn I literally gradually got a lil better. I always loved reading and writing fics especially angst ones even before that specific event occurred and ever since it happened I lost hope and thought that nothing will ever make me happy again or something like that. But since sn, i was able to read your other works and they are just *chef's kiss* AMAZING😭😭😭😭😭, for the past 3 weeks since I stumbled upon your works I didn't wake up that depressed anymore and I didn't sleep praying death cuz because of your writing I had a reason to live, yeah yeah maybe some will say what a very shallow person, but I just want you to know that you writing helped me allot, your writing saved me and it's one of the reasons I'm still holding on. Waking up every morning excited about reading your responses to the anons and especially waiting until Friday for the update!!, I miss this, i miss being able to wake up excited, and I owe that allot to you. So I hope you know how much of an amazing great writer you are, that once in your lifetime you saved someone because of it. Thank you Ai so much from the bottom of my heart!

Anyways i had this lil shower thought pop in my head yesterday 😂 (that's how often I think of sn😭) likee if the sn universe were to be in the jjk canonverse, that means Gojo, as one of the strongest families in business in sn, will still be the Strongest in jjk universe in terms of strength and there are the Zenins too running down the biggest businesses along with Y/N's family in sn, so that means Y/N's family might be a very strong clan too in jjk along with the Zenin, Kamos and Gojos. And since sn!Y/N aside from having a very huge empire like business doesn't like meddling into it then jjk!Y/N might be the same in terms of being a jujutsu sorcerer, wherein she is very strong and her cursed energy and power is just as powerful as Satoru's if she chose on taking the path of being a jujutsu sorcerer(the reason why Gojo's dad wants him married to her to have very powerful baby and possibly to merge clans), and there's sera who's literally just a mere human and all that's why his dad is strictly against it. Lmao that's all those thoughts thoughhh I'm sorry if it's unlike the other anons😭 anyways i hope you're well and you're keeping yourself healthy! Don't overwork yourself we all love you so much! Such a pretty and talented gurl like you must be protected at all cost>:) ohh and if you're still accepting emoji anons then can i be 🐲 anon? Thank you againnn i hope you have a very amazing blessed day!

i love u 🐲 anon !! pls stay strong. i’m glad that my writing helped u cope somehow 😢😢

Anonymous said

OKAY IM JUST.

Why does Sera think just because she's the one Gojo "loves", that she's not a mistress? GIRL pull your head out of your ass and think critically??? Or maybe she doesn't think critically she just thinks about ruining things for other people because she "wasn't born rich and had to struggle." There's no excusing what Gojo has done but I just want him to open his eyes and see what Sera's true motives are. At first I was like, okay Sera I see you, I get it. And then when it was revealed she had gotten money from Gojo's dad who supposedly hates her, I was like "yeah okay fuck you." I'm rooting for Y/N but I'm also rooting for Gojo finally seeing that his perception of love is skewed, and he needs someone like Y/N in his life, I'm not excusing all of his actions up to now but I really do want him to see how he's hurting other people the same way he's been hurt, and that he really needs to re-evaluate his choices up to this point. He needs to acknowledge that he and Sera are in the wrong and Y/N has not done anything out of line. And then he better get on his knees and beg for Y/N's forgiveness because he's probably never going to get someone as good as her to put up with his shit. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT SN

hiyaaaa everyone i hope u guys don’t mind that i compiled everything and couldn’t respond individually but these asks deserved to be published so :) thanks so much for all the messages that u guys send, i swear i read all of them and i appreciate every single one of them <33

#saintobio.asks #series: sincerely not #long compliation ahead

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huberts-private-counsel-archive · 3 years

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claudebert "nurse me" bc I just know that between the two of them there has to be at least one or two times where they've ingested just a bit too much poison trying to build an immunity, and who better to care for you than the one who knows exactly what you're going through??

Okay but you are absolutely right??? Like who better to take care of you than the person who does the exact same thing (even if its for slightly different reasons)

i’m also. so sorry about how long this took to write sdklfjkldj you can carbon date how old this is

Leave a “Nurse Me” in my ask, and I’ll write a drabble about one character healing another.

Technically, Claude had absolutely nothing to do with this. He had only overheard about what happened from Teach. Although that was slightly inaccurate. It was more like Claude spotted an unconscious Hubert being carried off to the infirmary by Teach, and decided it would be in his best interests to follow.

Okay, maybe not “it was more like”, but instead, “that was what actually happened”.

So Claude followed Teach all the way to the infirmary, staying right outside the door and listening to Teach as they told Manuela that they’d found Hubert collapsed inside his room when they went to check on him after he never showed up to class.

It only took Manuela a couple minutes to declare that Hubert had been poisoned - and as soon as Manuela said that, Claude knew immediately what had happened. After all, Hubert wasn’t the only one in the monastery that dabbled with poisons. Claude would admit to poking his head into Hubert’s room every so often to see what the latter had been dabbling in as of late, and maybe get some ideas for his own projects. Not that Claude would ever fully step foot in Hubert’s room without double and triple checking every step he took; he knew a booby-trapped room when he saw one, and just knowing Hubert, there were probably several other traps set up.

All that aside, he ended up stepping out of the hallway, graciously offering to look after Hubert while Manuela looked for an antidote. Teach barely seemed phased to see him appear from the doorway, even as Manuela jumped in surprise. And after a long, long lecture about just watching Hubert long enough to prepare an antidote, and not doing anything else, she conceded in letting him watch over Hubert.

And now here he was, observing an unconscious Hubert as he rested on one of the infirmary’s cots. Not even five minutes into his watch, and Claude could see Hubert slowly waking up.

As soon as Hubert’s eyes were open, blearily glancing around the room before landing on Claude, he couldn’t help but tease him a little. “So, too big a dose, huh?"

The scowl on Hubert’s face, as well as his stubborn silence, told Claude loud and clear that he was definitely correct.

“C’mon Hubie, this isn’t your first go at doing things like this. I mean, the great Hubert von Vestra, accidentally poisoning himself because he wasn’t paying attention?” Claude kept his tone light and joking as he took the cloth that was on Hubert’s head, dipping it back in the basin and squeezing out the excess water before placing it back on Hubert’s head.

The look on Hubert’s face was stony. “Do not call me that.”

“Aww, but your classmates seem to be able to call you that!”

“Not by my choice.”

Claude chuckled a little, before letting out a little sigh. Hubert gave him a rather confused look.

“Seriously though, be careful. I mean, if something happens to you, who’s gonna be watching over Her Imperialness?” Claude meant for it to be teasing, but it ended up coming out a lot more concerned and worried than he intended. Something in Hubert’s expression seemed to soften at that, though it quickly smoothed over as he looked away.

“I don’t believe you have any right to be lecturing me about this. All that aside...I simply miscalculated. That’s all.” Hubert’s voice was quiet, though there was something just a little more...vulnerable, about it, than before.

Claude decided not to mention it. Hubert similarly stayed silent. They stayed in that comfortable silence for a few minutes, with Claude just sitting by Hubert’s bedside as Hubert lay there. Claude’s thoughts had begun to wander off - though not by much, as he still picked up on the mumbling Hubert had been doing.

"What was that? Sorry, could you repeat that? Didn't hear you."

He did, in fact, hear what Hubert said.

Hubert didn't seem to know this - or maybe he did - because he grimaced at that. His cheeks turned a little more red as well, which Claude suspected wasn't just because of the fever.

"I...simply said thank you." Hubert's voice was only marginally louder, but it was enough for Claude to smile.

(An almost genuine smile, something he didn't realize until later on.)

"No problem," Claude said easily, making a dismissive motion with his hand for emphasis. "Although, I do expect you to return the favor~"

He punctuated that last word with a wink, laughing a little internally when he saw how Hubert's face further reddened. Sure, he tried to hide it by turning his face away, but Claude still saw it before he could.

Honestly, Claude wasn't expecting a response. He would've been fine without one, either; he knew Hubert well enough to know he'd pretend this never happened, unless forced to by Edelgard (which basically meant having Hubert willing to owe you a favor was as likely reaching into the sky and grabbing moonlight with your bare hands).

So color him surprised when suddenly, Hubert spoke.

"Only because you helped me. I see no issue as long as your request is reasonable."

Claude stared, completely stunned into silence. After a moment of silence, Claude felt his expression shift into something alarmingly soft. Almost vulnerable.

"Yeah. I'll hold you to that."

(Not much later, when Claude has miscalculated a dose of his own and ended up bedridden, Hubert appeared to watch over him, claiming that this was him repaying the debt he owed. Even as Claude threw out the occasional flirt or tease from his bed, Hubert stayed.)

(Even if it didn't last, Hubert thought, it was...nice. To take care of someone he...he cared about. Like this.)

(He couldn't help but wish that he could be by Claude's side for more than just when he was ill.)

#fe3h #fe16 #hubert von vestra #fe hubert #claude von riegan #fe claude #claudebert #hulaude #magicarrow #anniversary event #fic #ddsdiy-jay #i. don't remember if claude had a nickname for edelgard like he does with dimitri so im making something up #god i havent written for this blog in ages i am So Sorry #I FINALLY FINISHED THIS THOUGH #IT TOOK....A LOGN TIME #but its DONE

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bitch-in-a-bag · 3 years

Text

can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

#trans rights #homosexuality #human rights #lgbt #lgbt community #trans #tw: rape #transphobia

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dawndestroyer · 3 years

Text

rambling some more bc I'm in pain and this is the only thing I have an outlet with, but man my brain is going back to whrere I mentioned how no treatment has ever worked so far for my mental shit, and now I'm thinking about just how badly the psychiatric system has failed me

in particular I'm thinking about everytime I came to a new therapist and every single one of them said I seemed fine and said I shouldn't need therapy, because I struggled to express what was going on to me and I had no idea how to interact with strangers other than "be polite". how the only sessions where ANYTHING could be communicated of value was when I had my mom come in with me as a facilitator. how when I was diagnosed with AVPD, my sentiment of not caring about making friends with hypothetical people was seen as Not Wanting To Recover. how everytime I left a session I would immediately forget what I was supposed to do was Not Wanting To Recover. how me not being able to have goals in my life was Not Wanting To Recover. how not being able to tolerate the side effects of any of the medications they threw at me was considered Not Wanting To Recover. how I kept coming to these useless sessions and paying these people a disgustingly expensive amount of money, desperate to have some other mindset to feel safe with because I've been reliant on my AVPD all my life and its always been destroying all of my friendships, because my depression and ADHD has made it impossible for me to work at nearly any job except for this part time one that was originally given to me in the expectation I would move onto a Real Job and never did and I needed something, anything, that I could cling onto to make it possible for me to live at all in this society, because I can barely take care of my own body and make food and show and brush my teeth or anything, because I was desperate for some kind of answer for something to help me deal with the chronic pain and insomnia I have dealt with all my life. and every single fucking time I was seen as an uncooperative patient and anything I tried to say to them to tell them why I thought a certain way meant I was not putting in the effort and not a good patient, because the only way to recover from mental stuff and do therapy was to put in the effort yourself or whatever or else its a clear sign you Do Not Want To Recover

anyway, what a joke. there is no one that has ever put more effort into my own mental health than myself, and me and my own mother have done far more to keep myself alive and understand ways to support and help me than any therapist or psychiatrist has even remotely tried! and my mother barely knows anything about psychology! I know I am profoundly lucky to have her in my life but that is absolutely not the norm for most people where the best they get is this broken, disgusting system, where they are probably much more desperate than I am with worse illnesses and get much worse consequences from being dismissed like this or even ghosted like I was once. its infuriating! it feels so hopeless! I know I can only do so much, but I also know this is as far as I can go on my own and can't receive any more support than this because the existing system cannot, will not, accommodate me.

at any rate, I no longer can afford an insurance that covers therapy at all. maybe thats for the best. I've been through this system enough that I know there is nothing they can offer me anymore

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savingpltravers · 4 years

Text

i’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality again the past few days after years of just trying to ignore how confused i am because i still think i’ll end up alone anyways so i don’t feel like it’s relevant to come out. idk how it happened but i reactivated my okcupid again and that’s when it all started again. i just don’t fucking know.

i think i’m bi but it’s like i’m constantly gaslighting myself bc im autistic and am generally always insecure about voicing my own opinions cause they never get taken seriously. it’s just so hard to figure out and really pin down because it’s not something i can measure. i try to look for evidence but being so introverted and generally not really that interested in fellow humans makes it really hard. i’ve never been in love with an actual girl i’ve met before and that’s what always makes me think im making this up in my head. yeah i’ve had several strong actress/fictional character crushes and some teacher crushes but what if that is just some strange consequence of my autistic brain being obsessed with something? what if this is just what they call ‘a girl crush’ or is that just some bullshit made up by heteros and are all those ‘straight women’ who have ‘girl crushes’ actually bisexual? idk what’s true anymore. it doesn’t help either that once my sister came out as gay i told her i thought i was bi and she kind of dismissed it and called it ‘a phase’ that a lot lesbians have and that just made me feel horrible honestly. so that has made the gaslighting myself thing even worse. i feel like i should just drop it because atm my mental health is so shit and socialising is not a need i have in my life and i can’t image anyone ever loving me anyways so why bother pinning it down anyways. but i just can’t drop it. because if i hear my family say they hope i find a nice autistic guy to be with one day im gonna go insane i swear. no hate towards them but the idea that i should just settle for people of my own kind, and a man, makes me so upset. don’t i deserve more? im gonna go insane if my friend mentions her male tv/film crushes and i just couldn’t give less of a fuck about these men and don’t see what they see. instead i’ve spent my late teenage years being absolutely infatuated with julie andrews and since then ive been spiralling with crush after crush. im going insane. i just wanna know. i don’t wanna doubt myself. anybody got any advice? honestly just want someone to validate me thinking im bi and if someone says im probably straight ill feel terrible and i don’t really know why.. but ugh help please.

#im gonna be talking to myself again aren't i #doubting my sexuality again #someone gimme some advice please #i'm upset

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sclfmastery · 4 years

Note

How do the Masters differ with their neurodivergency? How do they cope/stim/etc. How does it effect their relationships?

Oh look it’s my SECOND favorite DW topic of all time, LOL. Anon, you’re enabling me in the best way.

First off I should say @modernwizard has a great series going called “Why I love Dhawan Master” which covers a great deal of what I might have said, and then some. For now I’ll just offer up an abbreviated list.

Disclaimer as always: both mental illness and neurodivergency are SEPARATE ENTIRELY FROM CONCERNS OF MORALITY. People who do hurtful things on purpose do so because they are evil (and the Master, at many points in time, is evil), NOT because of a mental illness or neurodivergent state.

Onward!

------

1) I headcanon that both Masters are on the Autism Spectrum. I am not qualified to say which particular manifestation on the spectrum they represent, as, while I would consider myself well-read on the subject, I am still not a mental healthcare professional. But the chief way that this manifests is through their hyper-empathy. Yes, you read me right, HYPER-empathy. The reason that they seem to exhibit low empathy (different, it’s important to note, from compassion, empathy is simply the capacity of emotional intelligence to feel exactly what someone else is feeling) is that they’ve trained themselves from their first regeneration to occlude that psychic pathway between others’ emotions and their own, in a bid for total autonomy.

2) Both Masters also have Borderline Personality disorder. This manifests in their “black and white thinking” (situations and people are totalities and extremes, rather than multifaceted and nuanced--this leads to why people think they’re “childlike” and at odd lapses naive; in fact they aren’t, they’re just neurodiverse). It also manifests in their tendency to not recognize relationship boundaries and to have little ability to define themselves outside of the people on whom they’re fixated (primarily the Doctor).

3) Both Masters have rejection-sensitive dysphoria as a result of ADHD. They equally share this sense of deep existential sadness, this frantic depression, as the result of the Doctor’s repeated dismissal of their overtures to talk, to reconcile, or even to acknowledge their existence.

4) The need to stim as the result of autism and ADHD is equally prevalent in both Masters. It just manifests differently, and sometimes also takes the form of nervous tics more than a specific effort to stim. Whatever the source, they have a number of neurodivergent “quirks”: a) Simm tends to roll his head counterclockwise on his neck when excited or upset, even if it interrupts his speech or actions. b) Simm also closes and uncloses his hands in fists. c) Simm also seizes his hands into his hair and pulls it. d) Dhawan flaps his hands or even arms when excited. e) Dhawan pokes his temples with his index fingers. f) Dhawan points skyward when trying to get attention. g) Dhawan sniffs compulsively. h) Dhawan licks his lips compulsively; they also tremble. i) Dhawan j) Both stroke their beards compulsively. k) As an anon pointed out today, both compulsively laugh when hearing bad news. 5) Arguably, all of these conditions are more severe for Dhawan because of the added trauma of learning of the Timeless Child and the active suicidality that has gotten incrementally worse since Missy’s time in the Vault. He exhibits more acute and severe signs of ADHD and also of Bipolar II Disorder, which features some hypomanic episodes (compulsive acts, delusions of grandeur, flight of ideas, restless energy) but mostly major crashes and periods of depression.

6) On that note both Masters have HELLA PTSD, but for Dhawan it’s again more severe bc of recent canonical events. I have PTSD myself and I could devote a whole post to this one, which is kind of close to my heart. Lmk if you want my thoughts. 7) Probably as a facet of his autism, Dhawan has more difficulty making socially acceptable eye contact than Simm. He only does so, with great effort and, sometimes, visible discomfort, for the Doctor.

Talking about how it impacts their relationships would take a whole new post but if you want I’d be glad to try! Basically their s/os need to be patient and loving and never ever condescending.

#meta #simm master #dhawan master #the master

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elle-eedee · 5 years

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dcom daddies: ranked

whats up sluts i’m here to give you the content you did NOT know you needed: a foolproof algorithmic ranking of a mild selection of disney channel dads!

beast (descendants)

hotness scale: extremely tall (over a foot taller than me! this is Very Important to the scale) and he seems to be a mere thread’s width away from Unhinged at all times, which i love. i also think it’s very sexy of him to still have such a monstrous way about himself (what with the roaring and the growling) 20something years post-curse.... makes me wonder very vividly if such energies carry to the b*droom........ *clears throat* 10/10

quality of character scale: it eternally amuses me that beast seems to learn almost Nothing over the course of this trilogy. he’s literally pro-isle the ENTIRE time jsjdndjdjd..... not great considering it puts him directly at odds with his son (and, like, with social progress) but he Does seem to act the way he does with the kingdom’s safety in mind! plus when he’s not accidentally supporting magical fascism he’s super dorky. i love his goofy dance moves 7.5/10

total score: 17.5/20...... with this score alone you can tell this system isnt rigged bc if i had it my way he’d be winning

hades (descendants)

hotness scale: i hate his party city clown wig but i’m a total sucker for guys in makeup (EVEN THOUGH A DECENT SHADE OF LIPSTICK WOULD HAVE BROUGHT HIS ENSEMBLE TOGETHER. WHY DID THEY PROPOSE IT ON THE CHARACTER DESIGN WALL IF THEY WERENT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH!!!) and i think the fact that hes Very Sleepy and doesnt own a dog makes him my dream guy 9.5/10

quality of character scale: he literally sings a song about how cool he thinks it is that he’s a shitty dad............ but he DOES come through when his kid needs him, so that’s nice i guess. i would have liked to see more of him but i’ll settle for reading and writing intricate fan works that delve into a hypothetical personality for him that’s mainly conjecture 7.25/10

total score: 16.75/20 i wanna see him in some preppy auradon clothes

jafar (descendants)

hotness scale: i wish i had nicer things to say about this man. he just....... bears so little resemblance to the original jafar it makes me :( maybe if he was more gangly, or if he carried himself w the same potent gay energy that og jafar has? itd also help it he wasnt a racist caricature. 4.5/10

quality of character scale: again, very much a racist caricature. jafar doesnt steal!!! why would This be what he chose to do with himself! but he does seem to be, perhaps, the least bad of the core four’s parents, which counts for something i suppose. 3/10

total score: 7.5/20 sorry bud

dr facilier (descendants)

hotness scale: listen. it’s dr facilier. what am i supposed to do, NOT give him a perfect score on the sexy scale? 10/10

quality of character scale: he just loves his daughter and wants to make sure she’s getting what’s hers!!!!! his dynamic with celia makes me really happy they seem so fun! though i guess you could argue it sucks that he’d send his darling babey dohter to do errands for big mean scary hades considering that Everyone on the isle seems to quake at the sight of him. but im sure facilier only does that to ensure that celia can hold her own! 8/10

total score: 18/20 and it’d probably be higher if we’d seen more of him

mr smee (descendants)

hotness scale: not only does this man fuck, judging by the ages of his kids he fucked RECENTLY. get it baby live your truth 7/10

quality of character scale: he seems to be SO kind and sweet to his baby sons..... holding their little hands and such!!! and judging by how nervous the kids are i’d imagine it was primarily smee’s idea for them to go to auradon. extremely noble sacrifice for their benefit even though he’ll miss them 10/10!!!!!

total score: 17/20 i want to kiss his hand, if he’ll have me

zevon necrodopolous (zombies)

hotness scale: every time i look at this man i think of this post. he’s the perfect amount of frumpy for my tastes and his voice is so unique!!!!! i’d let his z-band malfunction so he could *** ** ***** * ******* **** 9/10

quality of character scale: really really cares about his kids and wants them to be safe!! he raises his voice once which im not a huge fan of but i suppose it was justified given the circumstances. also that shot of him goofing about with d*le in the end scene shows remarkable capacity for forgiveness after decades of trauma and discrimination! what a guy. 9/10

total score: 18/20 an absolute dilf!!!!!

dale (zombies)

hotness scale: looks like an uncrustable. 0/10

quality of character scale: a fucking cop. die bitch! 0/10

total score: 0/20 get in since you wanna act clown

coach jack bolton (high school musical)

hotness scale: honestly pretty young for my tastes. and i literally Always swipe left on athletes, so..... fine looking, but not for me. 5/10

quality of character scale: obviously he grows as the series progresses but i feel like jack is Always in the way of troy getting what he wants, which sucks. i like that he’s kinda goofy on his off hours with his family exactly as much as i Hate how much he yells when hes on the job. i do wish we lived in the timeline where he and miss darbus actually had that duet about their disagreements, though. 5/10

total score: 10/20 truly an Average dcom daddy

vance evans (high school musical)

hotness scale: due to personal reasons i will be having bad taste. however, this man’s fashion sense in IMPECCABLE. i mean, the colors??? the unbuttoned collar???? come on now. there is also the gratuitous use of the d-word to consider......................... anyways 7.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s hard to tell how much of his interest in furthering troy’s career is out of sincerity and how much of it is sharpay nudging him. but either way the result is a man who supports his daughter unconditionally! he could be nicer to ryan, though (plus he’s an evil capitalist) 6/10

total score: 13.5/20 i feel like he and fulton have had Relations

mr gifford (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: listen, i’m a simple guy. i see a basic-looking man pursuing age gap romance in the midst of a mid-life crisis, i support him unconditionally. also i am just Really vibing with that oversized denim shirt on him!!! there’s an egregious amount of arm hair poking out that just works. good for him! and this is a small moment but i’m very flustered over his natural Touchy Feely instinct after wen pokes out his eye... however: man has no eyebrows. 8.5/10

quality of character scale: i’m not a child of divorce so i don’t know how this stuff works, but i feel like he springs a lot of major decisions on wen? not ideal. on the other hand, we DO stan that he has sydney move in before they’re married. this is not a christian home!!!! 6/10

total score: 14.5/20 probably my favorite lemonade mouth dad, but mostly because he’s like the only one paid any attention by the narrative

mr banjaree (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: men really have beautifully sculpted noses and we just let them, huh. i’m definitely overusing the word Handsome in this list, but in this case? i’m justified. mr banjaree’s beard suits him SO well and his hair looks so soft...... and we love the implicit cleanliness of a man who wears socks in the house! 8/10

quality of character scale: i super SUPER dont agree with this man’s Smothering-Adjacent Methods (and also i know firsthand that strict parentage just drives kids to be more rebellious, lmao) but all things considered he really just wants the best for his family PLUS he’s willing to meet mo halfway at the end! :’) 6/10

total score: 14/20 the way i feel about him is the way i feel when i get crushes on pastors in that You Are Complicit In My Trauma But We’re Gonna Kiss About It way

mr delgado (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: OOOOH GLASSES! 5/10

quality of character scale: it’s sort of implied that the Wacko Energies of charlie’s family are mostly the fault of his mom so it’s cool of this man to distance himself from that. he is, of course, still complicit in Whatever The Hell Her Deal Is unless he is constantly fighting with her offscreen 6/10

total score: 11/20 would have loved to see more of him

mr yamada (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: another chapter in the saga of unbuttoned collars! doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to show off his strengths but i appreciate that he is not the thinnest dad in town 6.5/10

quality of character scale: WOW fuck this guy. very dismissive of stella’s aspirations!!!!! i don’t like that he feels the need to talk Over her to her mom when he’s asking about her vegetarianism. dude she is right there.... however it’s a lil touching when he holds her guitar up at the end, so... 4/10?

total score: 10.5/20 *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thi

bob duncan (good luck charlie: it’s christmas!)

hotness scale: in keeping this Specific to the feature-length xmas special, i will say that bob duncan is QUITE handsome! disappointed that he was wearing a shirt in the scene at the pool.... ill bet if this movie came out post-workout/makeover he’d have been shirtless >:/ i feel robbed... spare tummy, sir? spare tummy? additionally i love a man who rolls up his sleeves AND a man who stans kaiju movies!! also i love that he, quite literally, canonically fucks 8.5/10

quality of character scale: he’s about as charmingly incompetent as he is in the show, but the difference here is that he literally did not do a damn thing wrong! all he wanted to do was be civil with his inlaws and he frankly deserves MUCH better. its clear from his banter with the kids that he loves them very much (also i love how frequently he feels the need to jump/dive for things in this movie. silly slapstick icon) 8.75/10

total score: 17.25/20 this man’s mere presence oozes nostalgia

jerry russo (wizards of waverly place: the movie)

hotness scale: this man was MADE for me. the bottomless collection of hawaiian shirts....... the TWO tummy out scenes..........the fucked up evil thing his voice does when the kids try to steal the spellbook!!! he really has it all. also i love that he is truly just trying to have some beach intercourse 9/10

quality of character scale: i love that even when he doesn’t remember the kids he still maintains a little dadly rapport with them? the instincts...... it’s also incredibly good of him to relive his decision to give up his magic without hesitation once he realizes the severity of the situation :’0 10/10

total score: 19/20 i’ve never seen an episode of the show but im really about to start

neil morris (dadnapped)

hotness scale: handsome....... mr morris makes me feel simultaneously like a sapiosexual AND a morosexual because although he completed enough schooling to become a dentist, he also threw it away for a writing career like an absolute champ. also i find it unbelievably charming how Along For The Ride he is about the idea of being kidnapped. a man after my own heart 8.25/10

quality of character scale: this is a tricky one...... neil DOES show active concern for his daughter’s safety when push comes to shove, but he also has my least favorite type of redemption arc: “you THOUGHT i was neglecting you, but actually i was thinking about you the whole time and just never expressed it! we good?” so like. bleh. but he’s pretty mild mannered which i deeply appreciate in a man! 6.5/10

total score: 14.75/20 maybe talk to your daughter instead of writing a macgyver ripoff, dumbass

major joe mason (princess protection program)

hotness scale: prime dad bod, very believable for his line of work. also he has such a Gentle Way about himself when he’s around princesses....... i love all the hand holding when he’s escorting rosie. absolutely my type 8.75/10

quality of character scale: gosh.... where do i even BEGIN!!! his whole dynamic with carter is so ideal... i was apprehensive at first because his job would require him to be Absent a lot of the time, but upon reflection it’s clear that he’s raised carter well enough that he can totally trust her to be on her own, and also she’s only sad to see him go because she sincerely enjoys his company. everything about his profession is so noble and i love the way he can carry himself as casually or as politely as a given situation calls for. worst thing he does is say “i might have to stop calling you ‘pal’” because his daughter is wearing a pretty dress. i wish he was my dad but i’ll settle for him being my husband 9.75/10

total score: 18.5/20 i almost made a ppp self insert this morning specifically for Him

ted thompson (zapped)

hotness scale: athletes arent sexy!! this guy’s face screams The Only Websites I Know How To Use Are Facebook And Reddit and also he’s a dog person BUT he is sporting quite the tumbey if i do say so myself and for that i shall let him live. 4/10

quality of character scale: ok i know the whole point of this movie is Boys Bad but i hate men who are loud and i hate dads who get Weird about the inherent femininity of their daughters. when he calls zoey “sport” and then cringes like he’s made a mistake? dumb and unnecessary. HOWEVER all of his efforts to bond with zoey are really really sincere. like when he fixes her music box? that has NOTHING to do with the app he just Does It!!!! the movey mightve rubbed off on me a little too much but there are multiple ways to show love and just bc im not used to his way doesnt mean it has no worth! 6/10

total score: 10/20 mr thompson sir im sorry i doubted you at the start of the film

rob adams (radio rebel)

hotness scale: this man dresses 5-10 years younger than he looks and i respect that for him. but i was expecting him to be a bit more of a slimeball considering how tara talks about him in the opening scene... and you guys know how much i love slimeballs. regardless, pretty handsome! 6.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s nice that he goes to such a Public and Corporate effort to connect to his stepdaughter! even if it’s in a way that financially benefits him, it’s pretty clear that he cares about this family and wants to do right by them. nothing exceptional, though 7/10

total score: 13.5/20 i GUESS i’d be down to smash if he asked

ralph bartlett (read it and weep)

hotness scale: ok i was gonna say something mean about the fact that he’s balding but honestly he has really nice arms........ in addition he’s really quirky and optimistic which i am going to admire into my grave!! when he gets excited about having customers during the finale his voice quirks with an almost charlie day-esque charm. handsome. ALSO he calls jamie “princess” which is!!!!!!! something 7.5/10

quality of character scale: the way ralph parents his kids is Very 2000s in that he kinda babies his daughter but gets to pal around with his son, but i guess both dynamics come from a place of love and he could be doing much worse. plus he’s an honest hardworking small business owner! i support him 7/10

total score: 14.5/20 i would definitely go out for pizza with him

dr james hartley (how to build a better boy)

hotness scale: THIS. THIS IS WHAT DCOM DADDIES ARE ALL ABOUT. gosh..... this is truly the Most dad ive ever seen in my life. i love how his hair is always mussed..... how he’s so Desperate to relax that he falls asleep after Fifteen Seconds of smooth jazz..... and also. like. hes a scientist?? hello??? pretty sexy of him. i want to give this man the relaxation he deserves 10/10

quality of character scale: ok so,,,...,, kinda fucked up that he lied to his whole family (with the possible exception of his wife—sidenote, WHY did they make dr hartley married? his wife never comes up except when bart says she’s out of town. let him be single so i can slide into those dms) and EXTRA kinda fucked up that he works for the government? what a scab. BUT it’s very very clear that he cares about his kids (and gabby) and prioritizes their safety above all else! also, did you SEE how happy he was when mae won homecoming queen....... he loves her so so so much! :’0 8.5/10

total score: 18.5/20 i thirst tweeted about this man and roger bart replied ‘Aw, thanks!’ so i dont know where to go from here

#my worst post. look at it everybody #descendants #high school musical #disney channel #lemonade mouth #wizards of waverly place #good luck charlie #zombies #princess protection program #read it and weep #zapped #dadnapped #radio rebel #how to build a better boy #the term 'dcom daddy' was coined by poddin this together so nobody's allowed to get mad at me for it. also im right about each of these

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blue-hi · 5 years

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i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

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thezolblade · 6 years

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Jon: “I wish I could talk it through with Martin, or Tim, or Sasha…But we never really did that, did we?”

I’ve been meaning to pull together some meta ever since hearing that line. As understandable as it is that Jon would regret the times he failed to communicate, as true as it is that he’s often fallen down there (and it’s fun seeing the fandom screaming over that on an ongoing basis)... I’d say he was too hard on himself by saying ‘never’, since there were times when he tried to communicate to the best of his ability. More than that, there are lines that give me the impression he’s always highly valued shared knowledge - that as well as being driven by a deep desire to know, he also wants to help other people know more, and gets frustrated when they don’t want to share knowledge with him or others.

Some quotes here, and interpretation below, of times when he tried to go beyond the ‘archive the closed cases’ job description that was supposedly expected of him, pursuing his priorities in the expectation that people would help - when he still expected that other people would help as a common sense assumption - or discussed events with the assistants beyond the bounds of what he was officially asking them to do for the job, etc. (Mostly s1 bc this is taking more evenings than i expected just from looking through the transcripts and a lot of episodes don’t have them yet):

MAG 001 - Anglerfish

ARCHIVIST: When an investigation has gone as far as it can, it is transferred to the Archives. [...] it seems as though little of the actual investigations have been stored in the Archives, so the only thing in most of the files are the statements themselves. [...] I plan to digitise the files as much as possible and record audio versions, though some will have to be on tape recorder as my attempts to get them on my laptop have met with... significant audio distortions. Alongside this Tim, Sasha and, yes, I suppose, Martin will be doing some supplementary investigation to see what details may be missing from what we have.

MAG 002 - Do Not Open

ARCHIVIST: When the Institute first investigated, it doesn’t look like they were able to find a single piece of evidence to support the existence of this scratched coffin, and to be honest I didn’t think it was worth wasting anyone’s time over now, nearly twenty years later. That said, I did mention it to Tim yesterday, and apparently he did some digging of his own.

MAG 004 - Pageturner

ARCHIVIST: So it doesn’t appear that we have any concrete leads to go on. Still, I will be bringing this up with Elias and recommending that the search for any other missed books from the Leitner library be made this Institute’s highest priority. Jurgen Leitner has done the world enough harm and we must pursue all available avenues to ensure that he does no more.

MAG 006 - Squirm

ARCHIVIST: I can’t find any evidence that my predecessor took follow-up action on this statement, so I’ve taken the step of reporting Mr Hodge’s to the ECDC. We were unable to locate him to request a follow-up interview and if he has had intercourse with one of Prentiss’ victims, then they’ll need to deal with him sooner rather than later. I just hope it’s not too late already.

MAG 011 - Dreamer

ARCHIVIST: I’m not... entirely sure whether to bring this up with Elias or not. When he hired me, he was vague on the point of what happened to my predecessor, Gertrude Robinson. [...] I had Tim look into it, as I don’t entirely trust the others not to have written it as a practical joke and slipped it into the archives. [...] Still, I might have a word with Rosie, to make sure I get a copy of any new statements as soon as they’re made, not just once the researchers are done with them. She seemed very open to idea of recording them, so I’m hopeful she’ll be willing to do this too.

MAG 017- The Boneturner’s Tale

ARCHIVIST: I've barely scratched the surface of the archives and have already uncovered evidence of two separate surviving books from Jurgen Leitner's library. Until he mentioned that, I was tempted to dismiss much of it out of hand, but as it stands now I believe every word. I've seen what Leitner's work can do, and this news, even 17 years out of date, is still very concerning to me. I'm going to have a discussion with Elias as to what we can do to address the issue. I know he'll just give me the old “record and study, not interfere or contain” speech again, but I at least need to make him aware of it.

MAG 020 - Desecrated Host

ARCHIVIST: This all leads me to believe that there may have been a second person there that night, although from talking with the police, I get the impression that there is little appetite for re-opening the case, considering how successful the initial prosecution was.

MAG 022 - Colony

ARCHIVIST: In which case there's a room in the Archives I use to sleep when working late. I suggest you stay there for now. I'll talk to Elias about whether we can get extra security, but the Archives have enough locks for now. [...] Well, in that time I have received several text messages from your phone, saying you were ill with stomach problems. The last one said that you thought it “might be a parasite”, though my calls trying to follow up were never answered. [...] I just received another text message. From you. “Keep him. We have had our fun. He will want to see it when the Archivist’s crimson fate arrives.”

MARTIN: What does that mean?

ARCHIVIST: It means I ask Elias to hire some extra security. I should probably warn Sasha and Tim as well.

MAG 024 - Strange Music

When discussing this case, Tim said it reminded him of some articles he'd read on travelling circuses in Russia and Poland during the early 20th century. On a whim, I hunted down a few of the volumes he mentioned in the Institute's library, and sure enough on page 43 of Gregory Petry's Freaks and Followers: Circuses in the 1940s, I found a reproduction of an old black-and-white photograph.

MAG 026 - A Distortion

SASHA: Well, I’m sure you know I was sceptical about how dangerous this Jane Prentiss was when you first suggested Martin stay in the archive. [...] You were having some argument with Tim about... um, oh, who’s that architect he’s obsessed with?

ARCHIVIST: Robert Smirke. [...] ARCHIVIST: Sasha has taken a few days off to recuperate, and I’m having a word with Elias about getting some extra CO2 fire extinguishers for the Archive.

MAG 033 - Boatswain’s Call

TIM: Um, look I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure... it’s not a big deal, I just think it might be worth re-recording these statements.

ARCHIVIST: No. I don’t have time. I still have a mountain of haphazard statements to get through, not to mention that I need to keep this wretched tape recorder on hand just in case I encounter one of the files too stubborn to work on anything else. And when I do, I have to actually read the damn thing, which is...

TIM (BACKGROUND): Oh, woah, woah... woah!

ARCHIVIST: Fine. It’s fine. I just haven’t been sleeping much these last few months, what with all this... worm business. Which reminds me, if you do see Elias, tell him thanks for the extra extinguishers. [...] ARCHIVIST: In addition to such business ventures, the Lukas family also provides funding to several academic and research organisations, including the Magnus Institute. Much as I want to dig further into this, especially given certain parallels with case 0161301, Elias gets very twitchy when we look into anything that might conceivably have funding repercussions. [...] Maybe I’ll mention it to Elias. Just in case.

MAG 035 - Old Passages

ARCHIVIST: You should have seen Tim’s face when I told him. Architecture is one of his specialist areas, and he has always talked of Smirke as one that fascinates him. How did he phrase it? “A master of subtle stability.” From a professional standpoint, it also interests him that Smirke’s buildings have higher percentages of reported paranormal sightings than any other architect of similar profile.

MAG 036 - Taken Ill

TIM: Er, what is it?

ARCHIVIST: A lighter. An old Zippo.

TIM: You smoke?

ARCHIVIST: No. And I don’t allow ignition sources in my archive!

TIM: Okay. Is there anything unusual about it?

ARCHIVIST: Not really. Just a sort of spider web design on the front. Doesn’t mean anything to me. You?

TIM: Ah no. No.

ARCHIVIST: Well... show it to the others, see what they think.

MAG 039 - Infestation

ARCHIVIST: I got it!

[PULLS TAPE RECORDER FROM THE MORASS OF WORMS] [...]

SASHA: Why record it?

ARCHIVIST: What?

SASHA: Before, in the office. It, it was stupid going for the tape recorder like that, and then when you dropped it out there— [...]

ARCHIVIST: I just... I don’t want to become a mystery. I refuse to become another goddamn mystery. [...] Every real statement just leads... deeper into something I don’t even know the shape of yet. And to top it all, I still don’t know what happened to Gertrude. Officially she’s still missing, but Elias is no help and the police were pretty clear that the wait to call her dead is just a formality. If I die, wormfood or... something else, whatever, I’m going to make damn sure the same doesn’t happen to me. Whoever takes over from me is going to know exactly what happened. [...]

ARCHIVIST: Of course, I believe. Of course I do. Have you ever taken a look at the stuff we have in Artefact storage? That’s enough to convince anyone. But, but even before that... Why do you think I started working here? It’s not exactly glamorous. I have... I’ve always believed in the supernatural. Within reason. I mean. I still think most of the statements down here aren’t real. Of the hundreds I’ve recorded, we’ve had maybe... thirty, forty that are... that go on tape. Now those, I believe, at least for the most part.

MARTIN: Then why do you—

ARCHIVIST: Because I’m scared, Martin! Because when I record these statements it feels... it feels like I’m being watched. I... I lose myself a bit. And then when I come back, it’s like... like if I admit there may be any truth to it, whatever’s watching will... know somehow. The scepticism, feigning ignorance. It just felt safer.

MARTIN: Well... It wasn’t.

ARCHIVIST: No. No, it wasn’t.

[...]

ARCHIVIST: I mean at the Archive in general. Why haven’t you quit?

MARTIN: Are you giving me my review now?

ARCHIVIST: No... We’re clearly doing a whole heart-to-heart thing and, truth be told, the question’s been bothering me. You’ve been living in the Archives for four months, constant threat of... this. Sleeping with a fire extinguisher and a corkscrew. Even you must be aware that that’s not normal for an archiving job? Why are you still here?

MARTIN: [Considering] Don’t really know. I just am. It didn’t feel right to just leave. I’ve typed up a few resignation letters, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hand them in. I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t... move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck.

Martin...You’re not, uh... You didn’t die here, did you?

MARTIN: What? What? N-No... what?!

ARCHIVIST: No, I just... No, just the way you phrased that...

MARTIN: Made you think I was a ghost?

ARCHIVIST: No... it’s—

MARTIN: No, no... it’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think.

MAG041 - Too Deep

Why do I still feel like I’m being watched? I’d just about convinced myself it was Prentiss, watching me in secret while she filled the walls with her writhing hordes, but no. She is dead and gone, and still whenever I talk into this... damn thing, I feel this... I’m being watched. I know I am. [...] my primary focus must be on who killed Gertrude Robinson, and I do not believe for a moment that it was a wall-moving spectre from the depths of the earth. No, far more likely it’s one of my colleagues. Elias is a prime suspect, but it could have been any of them. [...] I can make two tapes from each recording. One containing the main statement and notes, which will be stored in the archive, and the other containing the statement, notes, and... this supplement, which will chronicle my own investigations. These tapes will be hidden. If you’re hearing this, I assume you’re my replacement, following my death or disappearance, and have received instructions on where to find them. [...] This level of paranoia is new to me, but I’m learning fast. Trust can get you killed.

...So, reading back over season 1 was interesting. Jon was asked to organise an archive of statements that were no longer under investigation by the institute. (Leading a team of four ex-researchers, himself included, who were used to working on open investigations. He was told that the institute’s mission statement was to study but not to ‘interfere or contain’, to the point where he got sick of Elias giving him that speech.)

He believed every statement that we heard him record, and he had all 3 assistants take part in re-opening an investigation into each of them through all available lines of enquiry (instead of devoting more resource to getting the existing material filed in a sensible system asap).

Wherever there was a chance it would do some good, he reported his findings to the authorities, and pushed to see if the Institute or the police would go further on the basis of his information.

He discussed the cases with his assistants thoroughly enough to know their areas of personal interest in the supernatural, and when they got into trouble, he immediately offered them as much protection as he could and went to Elias for help, prompting some of the others to express skepticism about the threats that he was clearly taking seriously, maybe excessively so...?

And yet because he felt watched by something supernatural, and convinced himself that it was Jane Prentiss somehow, he lied constantly by feigning skepticism even while following every lead and pushing everyone else to do the same. It’s a wonder anyone was fooled tbh, and it backfired by discouraging Martin and Sasha from confiding in him until they were in deep trouble. It also made his complaint about lack of sleep look relatively grumpy/petty to Tim, since he didn’t quite admit the full scale of the problem with nightmares and the exhaustion that the statements magically caused.

When Elias was feigning a normal level of ignorance in ep 39 he told Sasha: “You know how those two are... John puts on a good show, but sometimes I swear he’s worse than Martin.” And in ep 40 he told Jon: “I... know I have often seemed dismissive of your concerns before, and in fact I was getting ready to raise the issue of Martin’s continuing to live in the Institute’s basement”. If Elias was faking something like the rest of the Institute staff’s attitude (to things he wouldn’t admit to knowing all about)... then people really did doubt Jon’s skeptic act, feeling that he was always complaining about supernatural threats and going overboard in trying to protect people.

That changed in season 2, when he came to believe that one of his colleagues had murdered Gertrude, and stopped trusting all of them. When he was worried that his own death might be imminent, in the midst of Prentiss’ attack and in the paranoid aftermath, one of his main concerns was communicating with his successor through the tapes.

He doesn’t want his fate to be a mystery to those he leaves behind. Considering how much danger he puts himself in, diving into a pile of worms for the recorder, and later stating that he’d rather die exploring the tunnels than leave the Institute’s secrets buried, he’s more interested in getting information out to other people than in surviving.

Mid-season 2, when he gets scared, he talks about taking a break from his investigations until he can get more help from the police, especially as he thinks he’s trying to track down a human murderer. That remaining trust in authority doesn’t lead him to him collaborating with Basira to the extent he’d hoped, since she eventually makes it clear she wants nothing more to do with him, and he discovers that not!Sasha is a supernatural threat that the police couldn’t help with anyway.

The start of season 3 sees him reflecting that he didn’t turn to his assistants for help because he didn’t want to get them killed, and once he makes it back to the archives, he tries to overcome his recent trust issues and more long-standing hero complex by involving the others in his plans again - though they take care not to let those plans show up on tape, since they’re plotting against Elias by that point. When Jon asks everyone to record their thoughts before the unknowing in Testament, he’s trying to get them all communicating - with themselves, each other, and anyone who follows in their footsteps.

So far in season 4, he’s been more ready than ever to collaborate, but the others are mostly refusing to talk to him. His first instinct when he uncovers immediately relevant information is to go tell Basira, and he heeds her advice when he asks whether they can tell Melanie. (Which was unfair on Melanie, but at least you can see why he’d fear for his life after she threatened to attack him on sight if he ever tried to talk to her again.) He tried to tell Martin what had been going on instead of trying to compel information from him, and apparently hasn’t had much chance to speak to anyone else, or to leave the building.

He has the power to compel other people to see truths that they wouldn’t have recognised on their own; he only had to ask Tim what he was holding for Tim to see the detonator. And he may compare himself to Gertrude for losing assistants, but he talked to Sasha and Tim about the threats they were facing at the time, to the best of his knowledge. If Gertrude seems to have fought her battles by deliberately misleading people so that she could sacrifice them, and by taking out ‘loose ends’ to keep herself from being incriminated...

Well, I think Jon’s on his way to distinguishing himself from his predecessor through good communication, despite the massive stumbling blocks of his paranoid phase and isolation. (And through his extreme protectiveness towards individual people, compared to her way of prioritising the big picture.) He’s always wanted to get the truth out in the open, despite sometimes holding back out of fear that he won’t be believed, or he’ll get himself or others killed. Some of his most uncharismatic moments have been his attempts to tell people the truth when his knowledge was too patchy to convince them, and he wasn’t tactful enough to try to bring them on-side with diplomacy instead of facts and theories. As his powers grow, one of his most effective abilities might be to help his allies see the truth, so that they can join forces by choice.

E.g. maybe he’ll eventually find out what Peter’s up to from Martin - or maybe he’ll ask about something that he didn’t even realise was part of the plan, granting Martin an insight into something that neither of them knew beforehand.

[Edit: Wrote the above post in the mid-s4 hiatus and, uh. He sure did try to collaborate on a lot of stuff, but. Also fucked up pretty thoroughly, so. The s4 thoughts feel a bit over-optimistic in retrospect. Leaving it strikethrough rather than deleted though.]

#the magnus archives #tma thoughts

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bibbleboo · 3 years

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Could we get some headcanons/more background on Abbey and Doyle’s kids? 🥺👉👈 I love the premise of this AU

YEEEEE (im just gonna ramble a bunch about the backstory i have so far but ill put it in bullets so its easier to follow lol i apologize for it being long as fuck-)

OKAY SO,,, first of all,,, doyle and abbey timeline,,,, [i am looking respectfully]

in this au, they get back together and have a sort of ‘lovers pretending to be enemies’ chaotic on again/off again hookup thing off to the side just between the two of them thru like Most of the final season, they try to keep it a secret (especially doyle who doubts the saturdays would be hAPPY if he was seeing her again) but in the end, saturdays ofc find out, probably are unsure about it at first, but she gains enough of their trust to be there for the big finale battle in the weird world mansion.

when shit goes down and argost becomes the vessel for the two opposing kurs (regular kur, and the anti kur from zak monday) and they like. explode his matter or w/e, i imagine instead of kur just completely disappearing, the ‘anti kur’ gets shot back to its universe, while original kur gets forced into a new vessel in this universe... the closest of which happens to be the unborn child abbeys unknowingly carrying. basically, what if the two kurs just LOOKED like they evaporated but actually did what happens when you try to like tape two same sides of a magnets together and they YEETED-

So thats how we have Parker, their firstborn daughter! and this... also implies ‘Parker Monday’ exists which. 8^) i havent thought about yet so forgive me on that but hoo,

they dont know parker is kur, they got no idea and rly just assume kur is gone for good. but after they find out abbeys pregnant (which is a huge emotional trip for both of them in its own right) they do eventually sort of agree they dont want their kid exposed to that whole world of mystery. like, ik its a vital thing to the whole family, and ik these two people were probably voted least likely to ‘settle down’ in high school, but i cant imagine they didnt escape the kur/zak situation without a LOT of trauma, so while the saturdays stay in the cryptozoology field, doyle and abbey slowly pull away from the mystery and mercenary stuff, and also instead of going for big dollar lifestyle settle with ‘independently wealthy’ parenting.

also, neither of them really . grasp the concept that theyve even started a family, and are ‘together’, and that this is REAL, until around when she gets pregnant with their second daughter, Kendall. and then theyre like. oh nooo wait are we actually like boyfriend and girlfriend EWW-

when kendall is born parker is 3, and the next like 10+ years are pretty smooth sailing. as far as what the kids know/see, they probably know the cryptids when theyre little but. (tw animal death sORRY TO BE DARK I JUST??????) idk,, how long komodo dragons live/how old komodo already is and i definitely dont know Anything about giant prehistoric birds and am not even sure if science knows that lifespan, so. im not sure how long they could really be in each others lives??? i almost imagine parker would have memories of them that she assumes she remembers wrong, like “oh yeah they used to have a lizard and a bird... my imaginative little kid brain thought they were a komodo dragon and a dinosaur”, and as for fisk im still working on it but i . actually kind of imagine he might have a much longer lifespan (since lemurians are like ancient or w/e? and also if hes by dna like a gorilla cat or w/e gorillas at least live long af) and also feel like once he got older and settled down a bit he might live somewhere in the woods, maybe even his old tree? and the saturdays see him ALL the time obviously, but hey zaks gotta go to college eventually, a gorilla cats gotta eat bugs in forest, we all have to grow up and leave the nest sometime,

so idk the last time parker has actually seen fisk and she might assume he was an imaginary friend or smth but, 1. if i do write a fic they absolutely have to meet again, 2. overall the vibe is they know the saturdays are cryptozoologists, like, the same way josh gates does destination truth, seeking answers and studying, they dont really. know that theyre REAL. to them its like, a hypothetical science. (this is also part of why they dont realize parker is kur, she isnt around cryptids and therefore whenever her powers would actually show up they wouldnt be recognized) anyways parker isnt embarrassed or put off by it but just thinks its a little wacky, meanwhile kendall is obsessed with the world of mystery/paranormal/cryptic lol

speaking of the girls personalities;;;

parker is like. not really normie/preppy, even if she seems it at first glance, shes nice and has a good head on her shoulders but also is a teenage girl (inherently unhinged) and shes THEIR teenage girl (+5 feral) so despite her success and charm shes also very witty/crass when she wants to be, and deep down shes closer to the kind of person that would on pure inexplicable instinct put something random in your mouth when you’re yawning so you bite down on it afterwards. or like. that video of the girl singing in the bathroom while her friends curl their hair and she grabs the curler to use as a microphone before realizing its burning hot??? shes. the voice of reason, but the voice is usually shrieking in fear, making a cursed joke, or half the time whatever shes saying is actually smart. she kinda wants to go to college and travel, but struggles with indecisiveness and anxiety, so she has no idea where to go, what to major in, etc. and is again kinda just livin thru the typical teen life in that regard

kendall on the other hand is like. weird kid culture, the kind of kid that believes they are secretly a new supernatural creature each year (mermaid phase, werewolf phase, alien phase, etc), probably completely accidentally starts cults or witch covens at school (didnt realize teaching peers how to become ‘blood brothers’ and ‘make potions’ from puddles and stolen school supplies would be taken so seriously by parents) , very into emo/scene/punk/alt culture but not rly in an overtly dark/edgy way, more of a having fun and expressing self way. she wants answers for everything, really loves mysteries and being open minded, and definitely a rebel/adventurer at heart, even if she gets naive or in over her head sometimes.

the girls get along well! parker is not dismissive of kendall she just. isnt really into the same stuff/is more freaked out by it most of the time, but she would tag along on certain adventures, especially if it was to keep her safe. and kendall definitely directs gentle mockery towards parker a lot but does see her as a good role model and guiding figure, their bond is really strong!

other details !

doyle and abbey prob decide to say fuck it and get married after kendall is born, they probably have a few rough patches but nothing is more important to them than the kids now and in the end they understand each other better than anyone else so . canon tension idk her! family ftw! power couple! they intimidate the teacher during parent teacher conferences together hand in shady little hand !

their parenting style is exactly what one would imagine, 70% fun and sass and controlled chaos where theyre the bigger children than their children, 15% ‘this is how you hack the government and dual wield swords-- i was not supposed to teach you that im sorry’, and 15% actual guidance / emotional depth / etc. flaws might be overcoming their own immaturity for the first few years, and then being lowkey overly protective (while claiming they arent, but just bc you semi jokingly tell parker she should join the football team doesnt mean you dont actually hide 60% of ur life from her and check that her bedroom windows are locked every night and have 24 people listed in her school emergency contacts and used to cut up her food till she was 7 and-)

so abouT THE BABY BOY (Phoenix), 1. his middle name is leonidas bc im gay and i love emotional turmoil babes , 2. fully unironically the idea behind such a late pregnancy is abbey would be mid fourties when hes born right. so like. [has two kids] ‘ok birth control time’ [when theyre teens many years later] ‘ok im old enough to stop taking this’ [the hyperfertility curse that plagues many women rears its ugly head with one last hoo-rah]

and finALLY a very quick elevator pitch of what id write an actual fic to focus on;;; kendall sneaks into the attic to look for old shit bc they BOTH know their parents have been hiding stuff over the years, she finds things like a cryptopedia (now offline), the claw, maybe even a piece of the kur stone, and ropes parker into the long haul of figuring out what all this stuff is. and ofc the second they ever find the naga relic and parker comes face to face with it, [rest in rip] time for mom and dad to find out and all this kur shit to start ALL over again-

#long post/ //#tw animal death ment//#GOD THIS IS SO LONG IM SRY--#idk what to call thsi au forreal yet so ill just tag it as #dabbey baby au #TY FOR ASKING THO HEART HANDS

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aximili · 7 years

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For your OCs (you can choose whoever you want): 2, 3, 7, 11, 16, 17, 28, 30, 31, 34, 35, 39, 40. For you: A, B, D, E, G, H

omg thats a LOT so ill just do one person!! uhhhhhh how bout that Piers

How easy is it for your character to laugh?

he laughs a lot but he’s not often actually amused... it’s more to give the impression that he’s at ease. he’s never at ease, & doesn’t find much funny.

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

definitely reading, he’s one of those people who will fight god over his inability to read everything ever written before his time on earth is done.

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

the smell of mud & grass, fresh vegetables, quiet country roads, summer wind in your face... they make him think of where he grew up in the cotswolds. & no, he doesn’t enjoy it. he’s not comfortable with having the origin story of a country bumpkin, he finds it very gauche; it’s not the persona he’s trying to create.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

depends on the context. alone, eg in academic writing? seek clarification. he hates not knowing things. in social situations? pretend he understands until he does. he never wants to have to ask.

What makes their stomach turn?

sentimentality, & emotional displays. like, people who can’t be cynical and aloof about everything? cringe.

Are they easily embarrassed?

not really, as in like, he’s good at never having a situation seem embarrassing for him? he’s a v natural leader and always acts as if he’s the one setting the norm, and other people do kinda fold to that. so if he like, tripped over, it would immediately become awkward for anyone who laughed, because he could be hurt, like what the hell. but if it was the other way around, he’d laugh at them, in the spirit of friendship. total double standards.

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

wow, talk about things his entire character is about haha... absolutely a lie. piers doesn’t settle for unpleasant truths, he’ll do whatever he can to make it so that the truth is what’s easiest for him.

Who do they most regret meeting?

B L A S lmao. tfw u become obsessed w someone, accidentally cause their death, then realise afterwards that you may in fact have fucked up pretty bad

Who are they the most glad to have met?

at the start of the book, at least? sol! he feels like he can use her to wipe away his guilt for blas, both literally (as in, misdirect her enough that he doesn’t seem at all suspicious) and emotionally (as in, make a new start and be a positive influence on her in place of her brother. unfortunately, he still has a twisted perspective on how to be a positive influence on someone).

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

fake it til you make it baby...... lmao he tries but it’s always there, probably because he’ll never confront it bc that would mean facing up to what he’s done and who he’s become as a person.

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

almost always! on the surface, at least. he needs to seem like a supportive pillar. the things he secretly thinks are lame, though? he’ll chip away at those. like, he’s always making offhand mean-spirited & dismissive comments about ari’s fields of expertise, mainly because he doesn’t like that they’re much more intelligent than him, and he doesn’t want them to know they have that power. fortunately, ari has an ego of steel & cannot be manipulated!

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

all he SEES is flaws in other people tbh.... if he learnt to just whole-heartedly value the good stuff about others, like most people manage to, maybe he’d be a nice boy

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

tbh, piers is emotionally intelligent enough to know he has them. he knows, very deep down, that he’s a fucked up person who doesn’t treat others well. he just feels in too deep at this point, though? he’s been faking who he is for so long, he has no idea who the authentic him is, what would be left if you stripped away all the cynicism and left real feelings. .....god that sounds edgelordy when i put it like that.

A) Why are you excited about this character?

what i mainly want him to do in the story is be a moral lesson about never trusting guys who treat you like he treats sol, and i feel like... so many YA books out there are unhealthy het romance focused and i really want this to be a rug-pull on that. i just really hope it’s effective.

B) What inspired you to create them?

omg.... geez, let me think back.... originally, he was a dangan ronpa fan character (well, he remained one for a while lol), and female, and nice. she was a very chilled-out, new agey type, a source of wisdom and calm. he became male when i realised the cast wasn’t quite gender-balanced, and stayed that way since (he really couldn’t not be male, how he is now...). i thought it’d be a great twist for the end of the fangan ronpa for him to suddenly snap and reveal the stress of being the calm one had finally gotten to him. a few more iterations happened, for a while he was very much the secretly eeeevil one, and like... i guess he kinda still is, but i wasn’t happy w that, like, real people aren’t like that, and it would seem a cheap twist. so now he’s more like... the type of person who lowkey bullies his friends and enjoys the benefits of it, combined with the ego of being told he’s very intelligent, plus the typical white male brand of world-weary cynicism that can only result from never having had any real problems.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

he’s always had long blonde hair, and that’s definitely a character staple i couldn’t get rid of! however, he used to dress super feminine - essentially because, of course, he was originally a girl and i saw no reason to change the design. it was only later on that i realised like... i’m not at all comfy with my villain being a man who dresses like a woman. that doesn’t sit remotely ok, regardless of its innocent origins. now he dresses much more like a nerdy posh fuckboy, and it suits him better.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

omg its easy to say NOOO but honestly? i can’t pretend he isn’t based a little bit on an amalgamation of cis guys i’ve known who have these emotionally manipulative tendencies hidden underneath a charming nerd persona, so i guess i could certainly see us becoming initial friends. hopefully, tho, i’d see sense and dump him eventually. and nah, he would definitely think i’m pathetic lol

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

fdjkjkdksdhkfjhsdj uh..... the murderin bit. well, i guess the most disturbing part of his personality, to me objectively, is, yeah, seeing troubled people as potential experiments. being someone’s token mentally ill friend in various ways is bad enough, i can’t imagine how fucked up i’d feel if i found out someone was trying to manipulate me to get worse in the brain.

H) What trait do you admire most?

i wish i could read as much & be as devoted to my studies..... lol

#this was a lot of fun and a really good focusing exercise! food for character thought! thank u #ocs #long post #wanderingthroughwickford

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deadmanzp · 4 years

Text

aftg asks; questions by triquetrine

these are so interesting so i did all of them.. i want to come back after a year and see if id still answer the same!

op is the post before this or also tagged “misc”

neil josten: favorite/most iconic line?

first one that comes to mind I’m not sure is a favorite or iconic line? but it’s a line i think about a lot and it always hurts to read. it’s when they're at the cabin in TKM.

“He didn’t care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer, and he let Andrew take him apart until he couldn’t think anymore.”

that comes at the very end of Chapter 14 and gosh just the paragraph that line comes from and the paragraph before…. the fact neil thinks andrew doesnt care about him the way he cares/feels about andrew is like….. CMON MAN but also i just love the pining angst of it. i like this line especially because the line right before it mentions neil working his “bandaged fingers into Andrew’s hair”. so the “he didnt care how much it hurt” to me always carried a double meaning of 1. the physical pain he felt bc of his injuries but also 2. the pain of unfamiliarity abt his feelings towards andrew and thinking it was unreciprocal AND THAT HED HAVE TO “WARN” ANDREW like the implication.. of neil thinking abt their “relationship” possibly ending bc andrew doesnt feel the same and maybe wouldnt want to be entangled in whatever neil was feeling …… IM LIKE neil knows andrew so well and him being so sure abt this but hes like …. WRONG …. e

nathaniel wesninski: one thing you would change about the books? (plot, characters, etc)

there is very little id change about the books if at all. mainly bc while i know there are upsetting things that happen/the charas do, i think all of those things make the series really interesting to analyze and talk about. i will say a moment i hated was when neil touches andrews scars when andrew makes it clear he doesn't want neil to pry about them. i know neil offers his scars in turn when he's trying to convince andrew to let neil look over kevin but that was controlled. he let andrew touch them and find out about them of his own volition. neil touches something directly related to the trauma andrew had just experienced again when he had 0 permission to do so. while i always get mad at neil for this when i read it i still dont think id change it or get rid of it. im not really sure how id change it anyways and i think andrews relationship with his scars (and himself in general) is probably what allows him to brush it off(?)/never bring this up (plus maybe neil offering his scars was enough for andrew) but i havent thought too hard about this. but ya i remember i got rlly angry w neil the first time i read this scene and i still get mad abt it when i reread.

andrew minyard: if you could be friends with one of the characters, who would you pick?

i mean realistically i wouldnt be friends w jocks ILL BE REAL LOL and i think as much as i love the monsters, theres no way id be friends w them haha uhm but prob dan would be most realistic! maybe even katelyn tbh..

kevin day: if you played exy, what would your position be?

oh i think dealer! in sports i liked being able to do both defense and offense bc it made me feel i had more control over the field, like i could always do something if there were any holes

dan wilds: favorite moment/scene?

definitely the hotel reunion scene. theres so much to it; it drives me nuts!!!!! but honestly there are probably a lot of really good moments im forgetting. to me the whole series is really enjoyable and every scene has something i could say about it haha

matt boyd: song you would love to see in a live-action adaptation?

Oggghh this is so hard… esp since it takes place in 2007???? Idk.. iconic artists then i suppose ghfgkjhf BUT i think general vibes i think itd be so cool if paramore (time relevant), ptv (also time relevant), and mitski were on the soundtrack……. Ya……..

nicky hemmick: which made you more emotional, neil at evermore or neil in baltimore?

neil in baltimore for sure… neil at evermore i can't remember what i felt the first time i read it (maybe pain LOL bc he was doing it for andrew and i felt like riko wouldnt keep his promise) but in my latest reread i was unimpressed by it (mostly bc i think riko is boring and unimpressive). i think i mightve said evermore in the past though….. maybe... neil in baltimore is like … GOD neils emotions are so strong during all of that its really juicy haha. i think like him being angry bc he was on the cusp of having everything he couldve ever dreamed of; the desperation of wanting to fight back and get away; even just the fear of being in the same room as his father for the first time in so long... all really juicy

aaron minyard: a character you will defend to your death?

defend…. im not sure is the word i would use and i dont think i really believe in defending any of these charas “to death” bc of how flawed and complex they are; id like to acknowledge when they did wrong. i think id “defend” any of the characters if i saw anyone misinterpreting or misunderstanding them.. theyre all really interesting even if they didnt get too much spotlight. except maybe riko. hes incredibly boring to me. and also nathan ig and any of his crew just bc there is Nothing abt them rlly...

katelyn: which minor character do you wish you could see more of?

uhhhmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm….. idk maybe… jeremy…. gjfjgkdngmdghs just bc him and kevin r so funny.. i was thinking maybe jean too but…… idk a diff kind of kevin relationship lol (yikes) (pain) but really im satisfied w jeans screen time. i think ichirou is interesting but again i think he didn't rlly need more. maybe erik actually. im interested to know what nicky is like with him :0

allison reynolds: favorite headcanon about the foxes?

actually something i recently thought abt was neil and photography. iirc? andrew gives neil a camera in the ec and i also imagine kevin eventually gets another camera too (i loved that detail when we saw his room at the nest) so i thought abt neil and kevin sharing/trading pics they take of (mainly) scenery. i imagine neil takes pics of anything he wants to remember/keep while kevin is more prone to taking pics of subjects related to some nerd history stuff (lol) so thats why they trade scenery pics mainly. but i like this small connection bc i want more to their relationship than their exy obsession and i imagine they have room for more now that riko is gone and i just like this other commonality btwn them. i think maybe they mail the developed pics to each other maybe w small descripts/notes but thats it. and i also imagine it kind of just is something that started happening.. neil and andrew r on a roadtrip and some building reminds neil of kevin so he snaps a pic and eventually sends it to kevin w some note. kevin replies 1. either a text being like that is nothing. > neil: shrugs brushes it off but figures he is welcome to send more when kevin sends his own picture back or 2. kevin simply replies back similarly w his own photo. i dont know.. maybe this goes beyond what their actual relationship would be like but i do like the idea of them just bein like… dude friends u know so i want them to have more than just exy and a traumatizing experience between them.

as for common headcanons within the fanbase…. i do like the allison + neil haircuts thing.. although im not sure if i imagine it the same as most haha i feel neil would know how to cut his own hair from his life on the run (though theyre not Good or bad just like ok u know like passable generic w/e) i think hed definitely be tense the first couple times but he has experience w allison being close from needing to be covered up w make up after winter break so i think she would be allowed.

renee walker: favorite non-canonical ship? (renison, jerejean, etc)

uhmm to be honest none really… im way too attached to canon to be able to dismiss any established relationships. i think kevemy (??? is that the name) is rlly amusing but i dont want them together necessarily haha i used to rlly like renison mainly bc im a lesbian and i want “main” chara wlw relationships lol but i recently read something abt how bi allison doesnt rlly sit well w some bc she outs andrew and neil during the hotel scene.. i also agree this is kinda :/ if she was bi Mainly bc i feel a lot of ppl (or at least this is what i gather from renison stuff ive seen) portray allison already being established bi? if this makes sense. i think if renison/allison realizing shes bi is a later development id feel better abt it but usually renison is already established so ya her outing them does bother me…. BUT aside from this, thinking about them as characters and what their partners (would) look like… im not sure if theyd rlly choose each other.. but i still enjoy seeing them together in art and in fic bc in the end…. im a sucker for women lol….

seth gordon: most underrated dynamic? (matt & neil, wymack & andrew, etc)

my first thought was wymack and andrew bc i rlllllyy like their dynamic especially after reading their ec stuff. i loved their first meeting (andrews terrible sandwich??!?fhdhfjd) and when andrew breaks into wymacks apartment BUT i think ppl mention them enough its not underrated. i Actually think renee and andrews dynamic/friendship is rlly underrated/overlooked!!! especially after reading the son nefes ec i love their dynamic a lot…

some son nefes moments of them i liked: tw // rape

renee convincing andrew to go with her to see matt after his trip to edens

how many knives do u carry / one more than u IS SO FUNNY and just andrews persistence abt fighting renee is also rlly funny to me

tw // rape : the moment when andrew asks renee if she killed her rapist/abuser that whole convo was good…

their convo in the rain w their tea

i cant remember when this happens or rlly exaclty what was said but renee offers andrew something (some help??) and he says i dont need (w/e it was) and she says something along the lines of i know but it wouldnt do any harm or SOMETHING like that.. i like this bc she acknowledges their abilities while showing shed still like to offer some help. im p sure she does this another time too (w neil???? or someone i cant remember maybe it was andrew again) and i remember liking it too. she has a way w words and talking (also seen in her convincing andrew to see matt)

BUT regardless of ec stuff i think their relationship/dynamic seen in the books is rlly good too. theres def enough to be intrigued by them and i always have been? so i'm reeeaallly happy son nefes exists i loved reading it..

david wymack: which ncaa team would you play for?

oh to be honest i dont rlly remember many of them but of the Three (ravens, foxes, trojans) prob trojans. i remember i even got them in a uquiz once…

abby winfield: which character was the most realistically written?

first that came to mind was aaron actually.. i remember before when i didnt rlly like him or care abt him it was actually bc he was too “boring” to me. i always thought he had the most realistic reactions to things which is what made him boring to me amidst the ridiculousness of, well, everything in aftg lol… i still think he is really realistically written but now i dont think hes boring haha

besty dobson: how many times have you read the series?

fully i think…. only 3 times… i wish this were a higher count but i actually feel guilty everytime i try to reread it.

riko moriyama: coolest exy moment? (kevin’s last-minute point against the ravens, andrew shutting down the goal, etc)

uhhmm uhmm i def think kevin during the final game against the ravens…. hes so cool haha but i KNOW there were a lot of game moments that i thought were really cool so i cant rlly say…. oh also i love neil being defense in that game too rlly juicy wish i could pull up obscure moments bc i know i rlly enjoyed reading the games but terrible memory...

jeremy knox: which do you like reading more, domestic!foxes or chaotic!foxes?

uh i guess chaotic? not rlly sure exactly what that could entail but i do like… their chaos.. when they have fights and squabbles and stuff… this includes the high tension moments. ALTHOUGH i do like the tiny lines in the books when we see the monsters just doing like random basic everyday life stuff like playing video games or whatever. i like…. imagining them... fhdjfjshfjs… as for fic def chaos. i feel domestic is usually too softened…..

jean moreau: favorite friendship?

oh i think this goes back to andrew and renee. but other than them… i do like neil and matts friendship.. though probably not the same as its typically portrayed

#my own #misc

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fairycosmos · 7 years

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ive gotten to the point where 200 calories is like a TON for me to eat in a day. i regulary have negative calorie intakes. it feels so good and i dont know what to do cause i know i shouldnt like it so much

here’s the thing, i can already tell you have this awareness which really helps when recovering from an ED - you KNOW you shouldn’t like it so much. you KNOW it’s ridiculous to panic over 200 calories. you’re not completely fooled by your own disorder, not yet. that’s a really good sign, even if it doesn’t feel like it is. you can still pull yourself back from the brink - but that’s the thing. you’re the only person that can do that, nobody else. and i get that you probably don’t even wan’t to hear the word ‘recovery’ rn btw, but it’s so so so important that you don’t just dismiss the idea of it before you’ve even tried it. bc the disorder is going to tell you that it won’t work, that it’s pointless to try to get better, but you have to be strong enough to separate yourself from that. please. i get that it’s easier said than done, alright? i get that every negative thought and feeling you have feels true and permanent and heavy, but they’re not going to last. not if you make your health a priority and get the help that you know you need. because even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’re not alone. a lot of people have been through what you’re going through. a lot of people are specifically trained to get you through this. whether it’s by talking to a school counselor (if yr still in school idk), a doctor, or even your parents/a friend to begin with, it all counts as progress. again, i’m not saying it’s going to be easy but i am saying that taking that first step will make things a LOT easier in the future. i know that you know how fatal eating disorders are. they’re one of the deadliest mental illnesses out there. it sounds like empty words and statistics, but try to grasp the seriousness of it. try to care about what happens to you. i’m not saying you have to tell someone right now, but please just consider it. there’s only two ways that this can possibly end, and that’s with you being seriously ill/dying, or by you making the conscious effort to recover. i know that you’ve got it in you to make the right choice, and i seriously am rooting for you so fucking hard. you deserve to be alright, you deserve some peace of mind. in the meanwhile, here are some links you can check out that might help -

http://blog.timberlineknolls.com/2012-03-07/how-do-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-help-for-eating-disorder-cutting/

https://www.recoveryranch.com/articles/eating-disorders/asking-for-help-when-you-have-an-eating-disorder/

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/self-soothing-advice

you’re going to be okay. a lot of people care about you, and you have the right to lead a long and happy life, just like everyone else. i know it’s difficult to get past your own brain, i know. but you can do it. you can do what’s right for you. i know you’re tired of being controlled by calories and food all of the time, and you don’t have to live like that anymore. it’s okay to accept the help you need. message me if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to. i’m always here.

#tw eating disorder

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writerproblem193 · 7 years

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Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

Specifically right now I want to ramble about what I feel over his (apparently controversial) “I was actually genetically engineered” plot line.

It’s been the major focus of two episodes so far — Doctor Bashir, I Presume where it was introduced, and a season six episode where he works with other genetically engineered people. I just watched that episode today, it’s the most recent one I’ve watched. After both those episodes, I had to pause watching for a while just to ruminate on the episode. I do love all of Deep Space Nine’s complicated complicatedness.

Honestly, Julian is one of my favourite characters on the show. I’ve tried to describe why before, but it really hit me during an episode ostensibly about Jake Sisko — he was reporting on how Bashir was being a doctor in a war zone and he was having Problem. Anyway, Jake’s great, but there was a little cascade of moments with Julian in the episode that really hit me.

the complete transition from goofy to professional with brushing Jake off when the casualties started coming in

and him sitting on the floor with the other medical personnel after everyone was stitched up and jokingly (and kinda not jokingly) asking Jake to carrying him to the replicator to get something to eat

Because before he’d been totally relatable with his general failure at life. He’s a total dork. His favourite pastime is like, dressing up in furs and reenacting weird history stuff with his best friend. But there’s something else about him, too.

I described it later as “being able to stand on his own, but not having to”.

That’s something that I very much want in my own life. The ability to not need the support from people around me (my mother is flaming hellpit of emotional abuse, that’s gonna be relevant later). When the casualties were flooding in, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was an expert. He didn’t have to rely on anyone. He knew what he was doing.

But then, after, he sat in a pile on the floor with friends and was clearly metaphorically leaning on them too. And again, I wish I had that too. The network of support around me when I need it. That’s not a dig at any of my wonderful friends — I just wish there were more of them, and that they were physically all around me too.

Anyway now that I’ve gotten incredibly personal, time for Doctor Bashir, I Presume?

I have to say that I knew that he was genetically engineered going in, and so I was able to wince at all the hints as it went along, instead of being confused.

Julian had troubles with his parents. For a good reason, it turned out. He legitimately feels like they murdered him, replacing the (implied autistic/developmentally disabled) ‘Jules’ with the person he is now. And that’s a hell of a lot of baggage, alright?

I was uncomfortably feeling with him all through the episode. Here’s a quick bullet list.

when his parents came to see him in Sisko’s office and he had to hug them and make nice and he looked so awfully uncomfortable and Sisko didn’t notice at all and cheerily gave him some time off to have them around

the dinner they had together that was so awful and it was meant to be a little but since my mother is fucking horrible it was hitting way, way too many manipulation and icky buttons with me. The don’t-talk-about-it. The don’t-speak-to-us-like-that. The I’m-an-adult-why-won’t-you-treat-me-like-one. The way he was holding himself, with them in HIS home. The way they berated him for moving so far away from home so they can’t come see him

when he went out into the hall because he couldn’t stand talking to them anymore — out of his own space because they’re in there and he has nowhere else to go — and slid to the floor with his head in his hands. I’ve been there. Achingly, been there.

And though I enjoyed the fun parts of the episode (the spliced interviews were amazing), near the end it started hitting wrong notes for me. Whatever, they had to keep him on the show I don’t care but

He hugged his parents. He agreed to visit and to keep in touch. He basically forgave them. And it infuriated me. So much of the episode was showing and implying the emotional (and you could probably argue physical with the whole ‘rewriting his genetic structure to the point where he feels like the child he was no longer exists’ thing) abuses that he endured at his parents. The whole episode, his interactions with his parents felt like a SciFi Scaled Up Metaphor™ interaction of me with my parents.

The way they’ve ‘built’ me. How my mother takes responsibility for the fact that I write so much and so well because she read to me and instilled a love of reading and that gave me the tools to start writing. She believes that she was my ‘architect’, to put it in Julian’s words, and it is painful. Just like Julian. And that’s where I got angry with the episode, for dismissing what for me was a nuanced depiction of emotional abuse with a haha he forgives them everything is happy!

Most of the rest of what that episode dealt with in terms of his genetic engineering, I liked. I liked the way it built another level to him. I am all about this character in so many ways.

(Also I appreciated O’Brien’s reaction being “hey! Play at your actual level! ….in the corner so it’s fair then asshole”. Because he just accepted it and made their interactions more genuine and agh)

Side note: my sibling is autistic, I probably have autism and/or ADHD, and I’ve been categorized as ‘Superior Gifted’ so everything else w/Bashir’s intelligence/outsider status thing also resonates with me. You know, because he wasn’t hitting literally every other button I had.

My problems with the second episode was more about the writing and the actual show than it was my personal issues, though those are never gone lmao.

It started off pretty cool, even if the ‘mutant’ characters were a little too mental illness coded for my taste. Everything can be done well — and for a while, it looked like they might have been going there!

Bashir had some awesome moments connecting to those other characters, and actually getting to be understood. He was able to bounce ideas back and forth with them in a way he was never able to do with anyone else (*cough* me and my sib *cough*) and generally got to know himself better and unwind. And that was cool.

Something probably about halfway through really dinged all those little sensors in me though. Like his parents. Without warning, super subtly, the framing of the episode changed. Instead of the ‘mutants’ being super cool and #relatable and helpful, the narrative had stopped endorsing it and was showing them as hahah off the rails.

Oh boy, did that bug me. Ohhhhh boy.

And it was lumping Bashir in with them too. And even besides my immense problems with that (and even setting aside the gross ableism with all the mental illness coding), the way he was throwing in with them? Completely out of character. This is a guy who has-

Listen, if you’ve watched the show, you know. Bashir will 100% throw himself into danger against awful odds. He’s brave. His entire character development up to this point has been about that! What the fuck ds9!!!!! Why are you suddenly making him say ‘we should surrender to The Great Evil™ bc Stats Say So’. Besides all the icky ableism and reframing the narrative to make him look like he’s in too deep with the off the rails mutants, it’s literally nothing like him!

I am still really bitter about this, if you couldn’t tell.

And then, the episode framing gets even shittier as all the mutants decide to commit treason. Except Julian, who has suddenly regained his senses, and is like “um. NO??????”

And here the narrative flips again. It’s showing off how Bashir is the exception to the genetic engineering rule, how he’s better than all these crazy people around him, that he’s Not Like That, he’s Better. And I’m just so furious because that’s so clearly how the narrative was positioning him, and it could have been done so much better.

And then in the end, he stops them, is the Neurotypical Passing Hero™, and then just ushers them off to be somebody’s else’s problem again, basically. And doesn’t get that sweet, sweet feeling of belonging and understanding again.

(I did like the one moment where he’s trying to explain the super science analysis reports to his friend and genuinely offers “I-I-I’d love to explain it to you if you didn’t understand it!” and O’Brien is so offended and thinks it’s because Julian thinks he’s stupid. I’ve done that a thousand times and it’s not because I think people are stupid — I just like knowledge and facts and sharing them so much I want to explain it over and over and make sure everyone is on the exact same page. It’s not that I think you’re stupid, it’s that I recently didn’t know this myself and want to share it! And I could see that in his tone and expression and this is why I love him.)

I’m still so furious at the way the episode kept flip-flopping on how it framed the mutants and Bashir’s actions and everything. Super manipulative. Super shitty. I know the show could have done better. I was extremely disappointed.

So anyway. That’s what I think of Julian Bashir, in excruciating detail. I love the plotline, I wanna fight some of the details. tl;dr: I love him and this plot line on my own terms, in my own biased and revisionist interpretation, but the way the show treated some of it was disrespectful, ableist, and ignorant. I am glad to have had the experience of watching and thinking about it, though. Because now I can articulate some things that I experience with examples, and also I have a new life goal. To be able to stand on my own, but to be supported if I want it.

#star trek #ds9 #deep space nine #star trek deep space nine #mine #personal #abuse #emotional abuse #I mention it so I should tag it #Julian Bashir #meta #its midnight I should sleep #but I'm awake #and as far as I'm aware this is coherent #as much as I ever am lmao #anyway if anyone's watched the show and has Opinions about this plot line or whatever #hit me up #ableism #my meta

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