#and used to get the shit bullied out of him by Finnegan

[1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt]

Early Jim Kirk: Why So Serious?

To the people who said that Paul Wesley's Captain Kirk was "too serious" or that it "wasn't our Jim Kirk":

Let's have a kiki, shall we? :)

A lot of folks seem to forget who Jim used to be before meeting him in TOS.

In an interview, Paul Wesley discussed how different Jim's early character and life was from TOS Kirk. Wesley's study of Jim and his early characterisation was in fact based on TOS descriptions and relevant lore surrounding it. I was not at all phased by the Jim we saw, as early Jim is described as quite a departure from our flirty, confident TOS Jim. Wesley did his homework.

From the chat that Kirk has with Gary Mitchell in TOS (Where No Man Has Gone Before 01x03) and Bones in Shore Leave (01x15) re: Finnegan, we learned in Jim's younger years, Kirk didn't always have that swagger. In fact, Jim used to be a rather serious nerd.

Kirk in the academy was described as "a stack of books with legs", "positively grim", and "watch out for Lieutenant Kirk. In his class, you either think or sink".

He also adhered to Starfleet rules far more in his early years a la Boimler. For example, he reported an error that older officer and very good friend of his Benjamin Finney made on the USS Republic, leading to Finney's demotion and later the events of Court Martial (01x20). He reported one of his own besties to HQ and got him demoted. Quite a departure from how often Kirk violates Starfleet orders and directives for Spock on TOS. Again, he is not the same Jim. Character growth.

I think folks get so wrapped up in Spock being the thinking guy and Kirk being the action guy that they forget: You kind of have to be a brilliant genius and thinker to even get a starship command, let alone the flagship. Jim is not dumb and never was; he is exceptionally smart. Spock is just a freaking GIGA GENIUS and anyone standing next to that might look less bright in contrast. But make no mistake, Jim is also brilliant as a military man and diplomat.

Jim is often stereotyped as a swaggering meathead when he is actually an intelligent and capable diplomat even from his earliest years with Starfleet. As a cadet, he was decorated by Starfleet with the Palm Leaf for his peace mission work on Axanar (Court Martial 01x20). As a Captain, Jim helped to complete just as many successful federation member recruitments as he did take names and kick ass.

Jim loves chess. He loves his dad's old books and classic literature. He memorizes quotes from those texts and references them constantly in TOS. How many jocks do you know out here memorizing classic literature to reference even now in our time? One of Jim's most precious, prized possessions is an old text copy of "A Tale of Two Cities" he got as a gift for his birthday from Spock.

There are still those glimpses of old Jim planted throughout TOS and the movies.

As you examine him and his past, every description of him as a young man in the original series was that he was a nerd. Kirk, as a character, shows how much we change as people from high school/uni to adulthood.

The early Jim Kirk is not the Kirk we knew and loved, and he often comes as a surprise to folks accustomed to the Jim he later becomes. He grows into his own over time and finds himself, like many of us. But Wesley's portrayal seemed surprisingly apt to me, considering early descriptions of James T. Kirk's character.

TLDR: Jim Kirk was described in his early years as "serious", "positively grim", "a stack of books with legs", top of his class, and would report you to HQ for a crumb. This is not the Captain Kirk you knew who took command of the Enterprise in 2265. Jim Kirk used to be a serious, passionate Starfleet nerd.

All in all, I thought Paul Wesley's character study with all this considered was

Anyway, thanks for coming to my Ted X Talk about baby James Tiberius Kirk.

I'd love to hear from you folks, feel free to chip in, add to this or correct any errors. :) LLAP.🖖

EDIT: See Part 2 of this Jim Kirk SNW AU Analysis where I respond to an ask from @letteredlettered​; we get into the importance of the Triumvirate for Kirk Prime, as well as the relevance of why Jim Kirk being assigned the Farragut would be a poor choice of command commission for him. It further solidifies that this is not “our Kirk”, but an AU where we see what would come of our Kirk if he did not get the flagship commission or meet his boays to form the Trek Trinity. 

[spineofdeathwing]

Howdy! Seeing as I am no longer part of the SLP community, and how I've been seeing all of the hate going on for Jontont Frost over Wyrmguard Secrets, and the fact that they seem to celebrate my departure from the SLP server by stating "finally the evil beast is gone." as someone showed me via twitter

Let me inform you: the evil beast is not gone. Why? Because Jontont Frost is STILL there.

He and I had a lot of problems. What had initially began as a friendship turned into a nightmare for me. A nightmare I sat quiet on for a very long time. Even with alllll the shit that got posted about me being a bully, etc.

There were many times that I wanted to say something publicly, and in quiet there are a few who know the full story, but I stopped myself because I worried how it would hurt friends, but now it's kind of like... Not having said something has damaged so many things so much more than it would have if I had just said something to begin with.

Hi. I'm the person who played Finnegan Quill. I, to my knowledge, don't have a lot of trouble with people on Moon Guard, except for a few. Jontont is one of those few.

The guy has so many issues, and this is coming from someone with a lot of issues themselves, that it was extremely difficult to deal with them. Prior to things getting too bad, this is how things progressed:

We became friends through RP, I started talking to them more oocly. They seemed super chill, no problem, but as time went on, I found out what kind of person they are. They constantly put themselves down and would get very self deprecating, and me, I am a sensitive person, and my heart bleeds for this sort of thing, so I did my best to tell him he wasn't all the things he called himself, that he could make friends if he just put himself out there. That everything would be fine if he just stuck to his character and separated himself from it, that he wouldn't need to worry about things if he didn't take what happened in character personally.

I wasn't the only person who had to/has to deal with him. I won't name names, but I'm hoping they manage to get away from him sooner than later. Jontont Frost uses emotionally manipulative tactics to draw people in. He stalked me in game despite the fact that I had him on ignore. He still felt the need to put his nose in everything.

I made the heinous mistake of erping with him when he was still in an ic relationship with Elrodore Tate. Yeah, Finnegan went there, and I really wish he hadn't, because that put me in a spot to where Jontont wanted to know everything I was doing. Every single minute of the day. When I told him I needed a break, what did he do? He started to insult himself, call himself useless, friendless, a whole lot of other things, to which I came back to tell him "hey, don't talk about yourself like that. You'll be fine. Just be your best self" etc. Eventually I realized this was a tactic to keep me there, and hell did it get exhausting.

I've got a lot of problems. 100% no doubt. So I didn't need his problems too, but I still tried to be kind. So things still continued, and I grew exhausted again, and again told him I needed a break, but again with the self deprecation he came, and then when he did say "ok, I'll leave you alone for now." He would come back like 5 minutes later pretending nothing had ever even happened.

His stalking, cause that is what it was, grew so bad that even after I ignored him after I had a one sided talk with him, I went to the SLP mods to get it taken care of, because we were both existing in the same project, we worked out an agreement that we both would ignore each other--- FINALLY, because even though I had him on ignore on both Discord and WoW, that still didn't stop him from turning into a cat and watching me in stealth, but he still can't seem to keep his mouth shut about me, so here I am.

I have an extensive history of his stalking/manipulative/inappropriate behavior on documented file which is what I presented to the project moderators as proof of my issues with him, and I'd share it happily, but if I did that, I'd end up dragging other people into things who I don't particularly care to drag through the mud, dm me if you want, though I don't see this going anywhere. I can already feel the goblins on my back for this.

Fuck you, Jontont Frost, and your little Tobias too.

They're both horrible people, I hope others come to realize this sooner rather than later.

Jontont's behavior was gross and traumatic. Every time I seen a white Worgen or the bear form he uses, it made me sick. I couldn't stand to look at them. I was always alarmed when I would be out doing content and someone with the same druid forms would show up alongside me, prompting me to check if it was him, because I felt like I would never get away from him and he would always follow me. If I'm sounding over dramatic, lemme just say, it was THAT BAD.

More to come later.

Spoiler, he decided to tell me about how he masturbated to the ERP we did afterwards, while watching porn. Why did I need to know that? I didn't. He should have kept it to himself. But there he goes crossing IC and OOC again.

There are others who could back things up, but I won't call on them unless they want to come out.

.

[waterloou]

Could you do all of the vowels for Annabelle Finnegan please?

Of course!

A: Aptitude

1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

Annie’s been really into sports. She used to go out and run or get involved with school sports to be away from the house

2. what activities have they participated in?

She did soccer when she was younger, and picked up Quidditch once she got into Hogwarts.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

Quidditch. She pestered Oliver Wood and Charlie Weasley into teaching her techniques on her broom, and she learned pretty quickly from there

4. what things are they bad at?

Singing. She sounds like a dying cat, according to Fred

5. what is their most impressive talent?

Flying. She’s fast and she is pretty talented with her corkscrew maneuvers. That’s the only thing she’s kept from Oliver and he’s definitely begged her to teach it to him.

E: External Personality

1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

Honestly Annie really doesn’t hold much in

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

Not really

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

She’s got mostly hand me downs until she graduates, and then she just gets stuff she wants and what looks cool (she did buy one pair of low rise jeans and regretted it greatly so she decided trends were shit anyways)

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

No bc Annie didn’t have Internet

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

Depends on who you are.

I: In-the-closet

1. what is their sexuality?

Bisexual

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

Yes! She was like, I can like more than one? That’s allowed????

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

Not at all

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

Finniola would’ve kicked her out if she was living with her. Oisín doesn’t really care, she can do what she wants.

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

Fully? Probably three years. But all of her friends have known since she was 14(some before bc they picked up on it)

O: Optimism

1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

She’s definitely middle ground.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

Oliver, but that’s more in a teasing way.

3. are they good at giving advice?

Depends on the advice. Maybe once she’s older, but DEFINITELY not in school

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

Maisie, Camp, Molly Weasley

5. were they always optimistic?

Yes and No. she’s a lil pessimistic bc of her mother

U: Underdog

1. have they been bullied?

Yes

2. have they bullied anyone?

Seamus

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully?

Marcus Flint threw a nasty stinging hex at her and she shot one back that had his feet twisted around for a full week

4. have they ever been doubted?

Many, many times

5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

Yes. She’s hexed a few people and it’s caught them by surprise

[daily-dose-of-naruto]

The akatsuki in Harry Potter?

YES yes thank you for this thank you THANK YOU *cracks knuckles* I’ve thought way to much about this. The time line is pre-Harry Potter, at the height of Voldemort’s original rise to power. ~Admin Song

Yahiko’s, Nagato’s and Konan’s parents were all killed by Death Eaters, as a starting point.

Akatsuki Members in Harry Potter

Nagato 

• A pureblood sorted into Hufflepuff and forever changed the perception of what Hufflepuffs were capable of as he went down in history as one of the most powerful and despicable persons in the wizarding world. Nagato was sensitive and smart in his school days, always flying under the radar and quietly practicing his magic. 

• Became best friends with Yahiko (Gryffindor) after the latter saved him from a group of bullies at in his second year. Was then introduced to Konan (Ravenclaw), and the three soon became thick a thieves. Influenced by Yahiko’s ideals, the three graduated to be Aurors to fight the darkness spread by The Dark Lord.

• Witnessed the death of his best friend at the hands of Death Eaters when he was only eighteen. Freshly graduated, Yahiko stormed into the heat of battle and died a foolhardy hero. Nagato began doubting the methods of the Aurors. Something dark and unforgiving was planted in him.

• After years of lurking in the shadows, preparation and research, he rallied together the emerging Akatsuki, a hardcore liberation group whose only goal was the destruction of evil by any means necessary. As a Hufflepuff, Nagato was able to use every single resource to his advantage, rapidly becoming a terrifyingly powerful new player in the wizarding war. 

• As his notoriety grew, threats to Nagato’s life began from both the Ministry and the Death Eaters. Consumed by a desire for revenge and peace, Nagato resorted to creating his first Horcrux. With the murder of a high-ranking Death Eater, he and Konan successfully transfered a portion of Nagato’s soul into Yahiko’s wand. 

• Evolved his own technique of Transfiguring Horcruxes into the Six Paths of Pein. Nagato first transplanted the greatest portion of his soul into Yahiko’s body, then after that into feared and respected high-ranking members from both the Ministry and the Death Eaters that died at the hands of the Akatsuki. At the sacrifice of his own body and sanity, Nagato tore his soul into six pieces, leaving his original body skeletal and disfigured and miniscule. 

Konan

• A quiet artistic genius, Konan knew she’d be sorted into Ravenclaw from an early age. A half-blood with a happy upbringing, having the wizarding world thrust into war left Konan reeling for something to grab on to, especially after the murder of her parents (her father married a muggle, labelled a “blood-traitor”). 

• She attached herself to her school friends Yahiko and Nagato, finding faith with them that one day the world might change. But then Yahiko was murdered and she saw the last person she loved in the world, Nagato, grow bitter and vengeful. 

• Essentially shut down the best and brightest parts of herself. Konan’s intellect allowed Nagato’s ambitions to thrive, making her feel useful and as though Yahiko had not died in vain. It was only after Yahiko was gone that Konan realized she was in love with him. Heavy with grief, she released her hopes for the future and gave her will over to Nagato.

• Wand consists of unicorn and walnut. Konan’s favourite subject is Charms, although she scored consistently across all school subjects. However, Konan could not fly a broom for the life of her, and soon gave up after the mandatory first-year course.

Deidara

• A Slytherin with a goal; to create the ultimate work of art. At a young age Deidara started experimenting with fireworks and explosive spells. Think Seamus Finnegan, but purposeful, and with much more macabre outcomes. Made his first self-guiding firework when he was seven, using clay and his mother’s wand. 

• His parents turned a blind eye to all the mice Deidara brought home, didn’t question him when the neighbouring Muggle’s cat went missing, or even raise a fuss when reports from Hogwarts listed ‘has a tendency to make things explode’. Super enablers who praised their boy, giving him an inflated sense of self worth.

• They don’t call it the Dark Arts for nothing. To Deidara, the most forbidden spells were the most tantalizing, and as he learned about them second-handedly via Defense Against the Dark Arts, his fascination grew.

• Skilled in Transfiguration, Deidara’s specialty was transfiguring living beings into clay, which he then was able to transfigure into an explosion. He is the first wizard to ever complete two levels of Transfiguration in a single spell- first to clay, then to a BOOM.

• Considered joining the Death Eaters, but (quote) “wasn’t letting that effing ugly tattoo anywhere near my body”. I’m kind of joking but also I’m kind of not. He also enjoyed the agency the Akatsuki offered, letting him use his powers to the fullest. To Deidara, nothing would be more beautiful than watching his enemies explode.

Hidan

• When sorted a Gryffindor at age eleven, Hidan punched two fists up in the air and shrieked with joy. He didn’t give a shit how everyone stared at him like he’d lost his freaking mind, he’d gotten what he wanted. Gryffindor’s reputation for creating heroes and victors attracted Hidan, and his hyperactive need for conflict seemed to compliment the traditional traits of the house. Soon gained a reputation through Hogwarts as a little shit disturber with a big ego. 

• Always getting into fights. Hidan frequently challenged other students to duels in the heat of arguments. “Oh yeah bitch? Why don’t you duel me??”- definitely said by Hidan. Even after teachers ordered him to stop, Hidan couldn’t contain his need to pound his enemies into the dirt.

• Never graduated. Hidan was expelled from Hogwarts in his sixth year for nearly strangling a boy to death with a combination levitation/binding spell. According to onlookers of the duel, a strange blankness overcame Hidan’s face as he squeezed the life from the boy. When Hidan started laughing, several students became scared and left to find a professor. The professor was horrified to happen upon an unconscious third year hanging limply in the air and Hidan cackling, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. 

• Spent a stint with the Death Eaters. Being that bravery is a prime Gryffindor quality, Hidan volunteered for several experiments involving immortality in the hopes of achieving it for Voldemort himself. In a freak accident combining several irreplacable elements, this was astoundingly apparently achieved. But the invulnerability fed Hidan’s lust for battle beyond what the Death Eaters had designed for him and he left, killing several Death Eaters on his way out. 

• Joined the Akatsuki because they were the only option left. Hidan relished in every opportunity to kill presented to him. He slaughtered wizards and witches on both sides, laughing and praising his ultimate purpose. 

• As for immortality, every wound inflicted upon Hidan’s body was reflected upon his soul, which at the time of his burial (still by Shikamaru) was shredded to ribbons. If he ever did make it to the afterlife, Hidan would be reduced to something even smaller than Lord Voldemort was, something in constant agony and permanently incapable of ever being whole again. That would be the price for his immortality.

Kakuzu

• Born a ‘Mudblood”, Kakuzu despised his upbringing the moment he set foot in Hogwarts. His great ambition cast him as a Slytherin, where he was ostracized by his own house for his low-class Muggle parents. Growing up, Kakuzu always schemed for a way to beat his ‘inferior’ heritage. The students he simultaneously despised and idolized were wealthy pure bloods dripping in old money. They epitomized everything Kakuzu wanted but couldn’t have.

• Flew under the radar most of his school/young adult life, but sometime after his graduating Hogwarts, there were strange reports of missing witches and wizards. It took the Ministry a while to link them all back to Kakuzu, and though they searched for any affiliation to Dark Arts organizations, it appeared the only loyalty Kakuzu had was to the money paid out to him for the assassinations.

• Wizards live to be old, but Kakuzu is far older than most by the time he joins the Akatsuki. Like many others before him, Kakuzu experimented with ways to prolong his lifespan, and found partial success in his years of travel. After all, the older you live, the more money you can amass. Using a combination of brutal Transfiguration, Dark Arts, and illegal potions, Kakuzu restitches a body that can die time over time again. 

• As war broke out, Kakuzu’s business plummeted. There was enough bloodshed, no one wanted to pay Kakuzu’s price for one death when thousands being were slaughtered every day. Kakuzu joined the Akatsuki upon Nagato’s request at the promise of money and power. By this time the organization was well feared by both sides, which Kakuzu saw value in. As he became one of the highest ranking members, and most notorious, Kakuzu achieved the sense of power he’d always associated with pure-bloodedness. 

Itachi Uchiha

• The Uchiha were a well-established pure-blood presence in the wizarding community, with direct bloodlines to royalty. However, after years of interbreeding and otherwise ‘gotta keep that blood pure’ craziness that ends up tainting the mind, the majority of the Uchiha family developed a dangerous sense of superiority, to Muggles and fellow wizards alike. 

• The Uchiha are particularly skilled in the art of Legilimency, the act of magically navigating the many layers of person’s mind. Uchiha through the ages have been famously renowned as infiltrators and gatherers of intelligence. Itachi is no exception, and he’s soon hailed as a genius of Legilimency. Recruited by the Ministry of Magic while still in school to monitor suspicious figures.  

• Powerful members of the Uchiha plotted to infiltrate the Ministry of Magic and take control, recalling the old days of kings with absolute power. The Uchiha wanted to be a royal family again, with a literal reign over all the wizarding world. Known for their powerful spells and curses, the Uchiha were fearsome wizards and witches. 

• Itach told his high-ups what his family was planning. Upon their instruction he assassinated the majority of the Uchiha, save for Sasuke. Like the anime, Itachi took the burden and the blame, disappearing from the wizarding world and being labelled as “Itachi the Mad” or “Itachi the Bloodthirsty”. 

• Since he was responsible for the extermination of so much pure blood, Death Eaters set out to murder Itachi. He successfully evaded them until he joined the Akatsuki, which he only did to draw out Sasuke. He wanted to see his little brother again.

• At Hogwarts Itachi was always humble and kind. He was sorted to Ravenclaw, to his parents surprise and, though they tried to hide it, disdain. He and Shisui (Gryffindor) stuck together and avoided the majority of Slytherin Uchiha. Together they were the favourite students of most professors, excelling in most classes, being generally well-behaved, and always willing to go the extra mile. 

• His favourite class was Herbology. 

Kisame 

• His mother and father were filled with dismay when the doctor handed them their newborn Kisame, fully steel blue from head to toe. Demanding an explanation, the doctor stammered that perhaps one one or both of the parents had involved themselves with Transfiguration spells beyond their range of power. Livid, Kisame’s mother and father swept out of the hospital with their infant.

• Kisame would never learn that his scaly skin and blue complexion were, in fact, a result of his father and mother attempting Transfiguration on the unformed fetus with the intent of giving Kisame a vaster capacity for magic and producing powerful spells. Neither the mother or father were spectacular wizards, but together they decided they wanted their son to be the start of a legacy. 

• Transfiguration is a very difficult and perhaps the most scientific of the magical arts. This added reservoir of magic could not have been conjured from nothing- as it happens, both of Kisame’s parents were occupied as marine biologists (more similar to Charlie Weasley’s job as a dragonologist than muggle scientists) assigned to a large team of wizards tasked with preserving the highly endangered Megalodon, which resembles a great white shark but VASTLY LARGER. Believed to be a long extinct prehistoric sea creature by Muggles, the Megalodon is referred to as the “dragon of the deep”, with similar incredibly magical properties in its various body parts. 

• Father managed to obtain the dorsal fin of a Megalodon, which he made into soup and gave to his wife. Although the magic that seeped into the broth allowed Kisame to grow much more powerful, it also mingled his unborn body’s development with the lingering essence of the Megalodon. 

• Sorted into Gryffindor, even played on the Quidditch team for a bit as a Beater. Usually the one to start a scrap on the field. Also had to buy new robes every half-semester because he’d grow out of his so quickly.

• Other students (and some professors) didn’t fully trust Kisame, and there were issues with other parents not wanting their children attending the same school as Kisame. Ugly rumours flew- that he wasn’t a wizard, but some kind of monster instead. Or that he was a defective animagus, or secretly a carnivorous merman, or yada yada yada. There were so many rumours that Kisame just fucking ignored all of them. He knew what he was, and he tried to tell himself that was enough.

• As his great power developed, others began fearing Kisame. He’d try to make a feather float and it’d shoot through the ceiling like a bullet. In his third year Kisame could transfigure objects the size of a horse, something even Professor McGonagall has difficulty doing. Soon his powers outstripped the professors, although his skill did not. His peers and their parents grew nervous. 

• Kisame left in the middle of sixth year. There was a petition for him to leave (which he would’ve LOVED to fight against), but the fact is he was also thirstier for something greater than what Hogwarts could offer. There was a deeper taste for blood. Travelled and fought, earned money and grew disillusioned the world as he learned more about it. 

• Joined Akatsuki because he loved fighting, but also because he found them truthful. Monsters are within everyone, Kisame believes. He’s just honest about his nature. The real dangers are the monsters in pristine human shells (hint hint Voldemort). 

Sasori

• Poster child of a Slytherin by nurture instead of nature. His pure blood mother raised him (father was a nameless Muggle) until she was arrested for conspiring with Death Eaters and died during interrogation. Sasori’s grandmother raised him from the time he was five to when he was fourteen. She was never warm or doting, harbouring a deep seated grudge towards Sasori’s mother for having a fling with a Muggle. As a result, Sasori grew up without the knowledge of a parent’s love.

• Sasori compensated for this by charming life into everyday objects, dolls becoming his favourite. It’s not strange for a child to play with dolls, but Sasori isolated himself from the world to be with his toys. Although his grandmother thought he’d grow out of it, Sasori was packing his dolls in his suitcase to Hogwarts as late as fourth year.

• Incidentally, fourth year was Sasori’s final year at Hogwarts. He was relatively quiet, but bought into all the Muggle hatred spouted by his fellow Slytherins. Sasori grew to hate the Muggle half of him, becoming obsessed with the idea of ‘dirty blood’. In his second year he began researching ways to rid himself of his body, make a new one in his image. Sasori was an unsung genius amongst his peers, his intelligence dismissed for his unnatural social behaviours.

• Favorite class was Charms. Sasori had a knack for disturbingly life-like charms, creating objects imbued with the ability to converse, listen, and take orders. His classmates thought of him as weird and intense. 

• At fourteen, succeeded in building his first vessel. It took two years for Sasori to experiment with different runes and strengthen his charms enough. In the end, Sasori had to resort to cursing the empty puppet, although he hated the terminology. 

• The transition of consciousness/soul to the puppet was a result of Sasori being too smart for his own good. Before he could really understand what was happening, Sasori felt his soul ripping out of his body the very moment the final curse left his lips. He woke up in the puppet he’d created for himself, feeling nothing at all. Without a second thought, Sasori left Hogwarts, leaving his body behind. The “murder” of Sasori became one of the greatest legends of Hogwarts, up there with the Chamber of Secrets. 

• Continued his obsession with charming life into the inanimate, living underground and moving often. Sasori joined the Akatsuki when he heard his grandmother had died at the hands of the Death Eaters. Even in seeking revenge, Sasori refused to rejoin the wizarding community. 

Zetsu (white and black)

• One of the darkest and most evil creatures lurking the planet, it is still unclear where Zetsu came from or what he is. It’s rumoured he’s the result of a cursed Herbology experiment, or perhaps the manifestation of dark intent in the same way Dementors are to despair. 

• Some say he’s been around since the beginning of time, feeding off of humanity’s bad intentions until he reached his current form. Whatever the truth is, it’s clear he is not human.

• Uses no wand. Zetsu’s primary genetic makeup is plant-based, meaning he could be the first heard of plant with an intelligence and awareness rivalling humans. Is able to extend his magic to manipulate the plants around him. 

• Finds Nagato and joins the Akatsuki of his own, again for reasons unknown. Able to grow sentient white forms that are invaluable for scouting information. 

• Think of him more like a legendary great evil creature, like the Basilisck. 

Obito/Tobi

• What we have here is a very similar situation to Lord Voldemort and Professor Quirrell. Reduced to a shadow and driven by vengance, Obito latches himself to unsuspecting dimwit Tobi, using the latter to carry out his means of revenge. 

• Obito was one of the most promising Uchiha of his generation, forming an unlikely friendship with Kakashi (Gryffindor) and Rin (Gryffindor), considering he was a Slytherin like his parents before him. Heatedly argued with Kakashi ALL THE TIME, but found something always drew him back to the boy, so they became fast friends through their incessant bickering. 

• Supposedly murdered by members of one of the early anti-Uchiha cults bent on the destruction of the powerful bloodline, long before the Ministry of Magic adopted the idea. Twelve year old Obito never made it to his third year to Hogwarts. However, the attempt on Obito’s life was not entirely successful (killing spell, Avada Kedavra). 

• Before Obito’s soul was fully released from his body, it was snatched up by the creature Zetsu, who saw great potential in the power of a deviant Uchiha. What used to be Obito Uchiha was tainted by Black Zetsu after his soul spent a considerable time trapped within Zetsu’s shadowy vessel. At last, when Obito was consumed with bitterness and hate, Zetsu found Tobi and implanted Obito’s soul within him, giving him agency. 

• (Considering this, it appears that Zetsu has abilities surpassing a Dementor’s, able to consume and spit out souls at a whim.)

• Although he believed he was a catalyst for the formation of the Akatsuki, it was the underpinning influence of Zetsu that led Obito to Nagato, resulting in the Akatsuki. 

• Perhaps Obito would be able to recover his old self, if he was somehow able to remember who he truly was before Zetsu. Perhaps a familiar figure from his past…

[derekswhore]

RUSSIAN ROULETTE CHAPTER FOUR

chapters zero, one, two, three

2x06. the boogeyman.

    Kitanna Egorova was nothing more than a weapon. Or, that's how she felt, anyway. And due to never sharing her problems with anyone, no one knew how she felt. Not even her brother, who has mostly the same problems as her.

   Kit's phone rang and she sighed. "Hello?" She asked.

   "Привет Китти," a male voice on the other end answered. ( Hello, Kitty. )

   Kit stopped and glanced around. "Лорен, сейчас не время говорить," she replied. ( Loren, now isn't the time to talk. )

   She heard Loren sigh on the other end. "Китанна, скажи мне это. Вы тоже получили фотографии?" He asked. ( Kitanna, tell me. Did you also get photos? )

   "У тебя есть фотографии?" Kit asked, panicked. ( You got photos? )

   "Я так понимаю, у тебя есть фотографии," Loren said. ( I take it you got photos. )

   "Да. Запомни мой номер, потому что я знаю, что ты разговариваешь по телефону. Поговорим позже," Kit said, hanging up. ( Yes, I did. Remember my number, because I know you're on a burner phone. We'll talk later. )

   Kit walked up to the front door of Hotch's house and sighed. She knocked quickly and Haley opened the door almost immediately. "Hi," Kit said, smiling.

   Haley smiled brightly. "Hi! Jack's missed you a ton," she said, letting Kit into the house, "he's starting to think of you as his big sister."

   That warmed Kit's heart a bit. "Really?" She asked.

   "Oh, yeah," Haley nodded, "he absolutely loves you."

   "I'm so sorry I missed his birthday, by the way," Kit said, "Aleksander and his boyfriend, Noah, were going out all day for Noah's birthday and dragged me along."

   "It's no problem, don't worry about it," Haley said. Kit heard Jack's footsteps and smiled once he ran into the room. He ran over to Kit and she picked him up. "Kit?" Hotch asked as he followed Jack into the room.

   Kit smiled. "It's almost Halloween, I thought I'd see Jack before we're bombarded with cases," she said.

   Hotch nodded, giving her a small smile. "Well, after you're done, I'll give you a ride," he said. Kit nodded.

   "Thanks," she said.

   "Nicholas Faye of Ozona, Texas, was beaten to death roughly thirteen hours ago. Blunt force trauma to the head. He's the second young boy in Ozona to die the same death in the last two months," JJ said, "local hunter found his body in the woods. First victim's name, Robbie Davis."

   "Are these boys connected somehow?" Derek asked.

   "Ozona's population is roughly 2,500," JJ said, "everyone has some kind of connection."

   "Well, shit," Kit said softly.

   "Well, if they weren't linked before, they most certainly are now," Derek said.

   "Both murdered by the same offender," Spencer said.

   "Who's hunting children," Jason said.

plato wrote, " we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. "

   "You guys hear Elle was cleared?" Spencer asked as he sat down.

   "Self-defense," Kit and Derek said. Derek noticed her fiddling with the thin chain of her necklace.

   "So, it was a good shoot," Spencer said.

   "She hit what she was aimin' for," JJ said. Kit snorted and looked down, biting her lip.

   "That's not what I meant," Spencer said.

   "I know," JJ said.

   "If they cleared her, how come she's not here with us?" Derek asked, "or Hotch?"

   "Who knows," Kit said, looking up.

   "Focus on the case," Jason said.

   JJ looked at them and sighed. "Ozona police and autopsy report for Nicholas Faye and Robbie Davis," she said, handing it to Jason.

   "Well, the bludgeoning could suggest frustration or rage," Derek said.

   "With no apparent sexual motivation. That's rare when the victims are this young," Spencer said.

   "My maternal instinct is telling me to slap flex tape over Spencer's mouth the next time he mentions that," Kit said.

   "Maternal instinct?" JJ questioned.

   "Flex tape?!" Spencer asked loudly, alarmed.

   "You heard her, Pretty Boy, time to stop with your rambling," Derek smirked.

   "This unsub seems to be taking pleasure from the kill itself," Jason said.

   "So if it's not sexual, what's the significance of targeting young males?" Cora asked.

   "Most serial killers prey upon specific types to carry out their fantasies of revenge," Aleksander said.

   "You've been hanging out with one of the doctors too much, my money's on Spencer," Kit said. Spencer continued to talk ad JJ's phone rang.

   "Bundy killed that looked like an ex-girlfriend who jilted him. Dahmer claimed that schoolyard harassment fed into his fury," Spencer said.

   "So maybe these little boys represent someone who victimized the offender," Kit said.

   "Like a young male from his past," Spencer said, "maybe a bully, an older brother, someone who abused him."

   "No, that's unlikely," JJ said as she got off the phone, "they just found another body. 11-year-old girl."

   Kit sighed and bit the inside of her cheek. Derek grabbed her hand gently. "Why would the victimology change like that?" Cora asked.

   "Maybe the girl wasn't the target. Maybe she just got in the way," Derek said.

   "Or the sex of his victim isn't significant. The pace he's killing certainly indicates a velocity of change," Jason said.

   "We can't surveil every kid in Ozona. How are we supposed to keep them all safe?" JJ asked.

   "Enforce a curfew?" Spencer asked.

   Kit and Derek both shook their heads slightly. "Children shouldn't have to worry about something like that," Derek said.

   "Tell me about it," JJ muttered, "the woods were the only thing I was afraid of when I was a kid."

   "Seriously?" Derek asked, "thought you grew up in a small town."

   "Yeah, surrounded by woods," JJ said.

   "Bummer for you," Derek said.

   "Yeah," JJ sighed.

   "Only thing I was afraid of was the dark," Derek said.

   "Some of us still are," Spencer said.

   "You're afraid of the dark?" Kit asked, "that's okay, I'm afraid of medical masks."

   "When we land, Morgan and Kit go to the new crime scene. The little girl," Jason said, "I'll look at the scene where Nicholas Faye was found."

   Derek sighed and looked at Kit as she spoke with the ME. The deputy ( or, that's what Kit guessed he was ) had told them the little girl was bludgeoned to death the same way the boys had been. "Not entirely true. I found some markings on her scalp that indicated that this psycho beat her post-mortem," the ME said.

   "The unsub's getting more brazen," Kit said.

   "He's getting brazen, all right," the ME said, "I've bagged three children in the last month."

   "Now he's spending more time with the victims even after death," Derek said, "he had to know he wasn't gonna be interrupted, but how? Hoe could he be so sure?"

   "The forest goes for miles and miles, but nobody goes walkin' in it unless they're lookin' to kill," the ME said.

   Kit and Derek looked at the sign. "Or hunt," Kit said.

   "In which case, he'd know every inch of these woods, right, every trail?" Derek asked, "Kit Kat, whoever killed these children is very familiar with this area. In my opinion, he probably lived on Ozona his whole life."

   "It's something we call the buddy system. That means you always go everywhere with a friend," JJ said.

   "That's right, because bad men and women are more likely to talk to us only when we're by ourselves," Derek said.

   "We don't know what these guys look like yet. It could be somebody you know," Kit said.

   A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, sweetheart, you got a question?" Derek asked.

   "There was this little girl once on the news, who just got grabbed right in front of her house. Could that happen to us?" The girl asked.

   Derek glanced at Kit and JJ, Kit simply shrugging, as if to say, 'you're in your own with this one.' He gave her a dirty look.

   "Nothing's gonna happen to any of you, as long as you remember this buddy system, okay?" Derek asked.

   "Can I have your attention, please?" Jason asked, "good afternoon. We want to make something clear. Due to the velocity of change, we predict this offender could try and strike again anytime. His confidence builds with every attack."

   "Look for someone physically fit, shy, kind disposition, someone you may trust with your own child. Because the killer targets kids, he may be small himself," Derek said.

   "And though we keep referring to this unsub as "he," do not rule out a woman," Kit said.

   "Excuse me," a woman said.

   "Chief," deputy said, "you're gonna want to hear this."

   "My son Matthew never same home today," the woman said.

   "Here we go," Aleksander mumbled.

   "When was he last seen?" Jason asked.

   "His teacher saw him in the parking lot after school," the woman said.

   "Search team."

   "Yes, sir."

   "Okay, Reid, Cora, the school is on Willow Road," Derek said.

   "If the boy was abducted, then this area would be the most secluded nearby," Cora said.

   "So Jones can put his guys at the gas station..."

   The story about Finnegan gave Kit chills. An old man who watchers children and hunts them. Skins them. Eats them. Possibly the worst story Kit had heard.

   "Folks have been tellin' that story since I was a kid," the counselor said.

   "Why haven't we heard about this?" Kit asked.

   "Fables are often sparked by an ounce of truth. We should exhaust every possibility," Derek said.

   "Sure looks like a haunted house," Spencer said as everyone got out of the SUV.

   "Morgan, you, Kit, and Jones take the front. Reid, Cora, and I will cover the outbuildings," Jason said.

   Kit, Derek, and Jones ran up to the front quickly. The door was already open, and creaked as it opened slowly. "Mr. Finnegan!" Jones yelled.

   "God, if this isn't horror movie material I don't know what is," Kit mumbled to Derek, who smiled a bit.

   "Always know how to brighten the mood, huh, babe?" He asked as the three ran into the house.

   "Of course," Kit smirked.

   "Upstairs is clear," Jones said, "Finnegan's not here."

   "Yeah, and neither is the missing boy," Kit said.

   "Electricity's out," Jones pointed out. Kit rolled her eyes.

   "Thank you, Captain Obvious," she scoffed.

   "I know," Derek said.

   "Maybe he's been away," Jones said.

   "No. This paper was delivered today," Derek said.

   "So Finnegan was here earlier," Jones said.

   "Yeah, but where is he now?" Kit asked.

   Kit was watching the entire time Spencer was on the phone with Garcia. Spencer had gotten up and bumped into Derek and almost screamed, stumbling slightly. This caused Kit to almost collapse laughing.

   "You really are afraid of the dark," Derek said with a smile.

   "I'm workin' on that," Spencer replied as he walked away.

   "You should work a little harder," Kit teased.

   "My deputy got the boy home safe," the sheriff ( ? ) said as he entered the home.

   "Turns out the poor kid was scared by a tree branch," Cora said.

   "This whole town's on edge," Derek said, sighing.

   "Maybe that's why Finnegan's in the wind," Kit said.

   Kit and Derek walked over into a separate room and sighed. "Hey, that's interesting," Derek said.

   "The unsub didn't use a gun," Spencer said.

   "Bet he knows every trail in Ozona," Jason said, "Finnegan's an avid hunter. Why didn't he use a..." He picked up a lunch box under the table, "Robbie Davis."

   "First victim," the sheriff said.

   Jason picked up another lunch box. "Sarah P. Sarah Peterson, right?" He asked.

   "I guess Finnegan brought the kids back here first before baitin' 'em into the woods," Derek said, "but why wouldn't he get rid of the evidence?"

   "He considers them trophies," Spencer and Cora said.

   "When this is all said and done, I'd like to hang his head on my wall," Derek said.

   "You're lucky I live with three children, Derek," Kit replied blankly. The two walked away quickly.

   Finnegan had died. They guessed natural causes, Spencer had even pointed out that his heart had probably gave out setting a trap.

   "Those Coyotes were gnawing on him for a week," the ME said.

   "Before the second and third murders happened," Kit sighed.

   "The area's off the traveled path. It's a wonder anyone discovered him at all," Spencer said.

   "Is it?" The ME asked, "those leaves didn't cover him up by themselves."

   "He's right. The deputy may have not been the first to find him," Derek said.

   "And our only suspects been cleared," Cora scoffed.

   Kit and Derek looked at Jason. "Square one?" Derek asked.

   "No," Jason said, "if Finnegan's been dead all this time, who's livin' in his house?" He began to walk away. "Let's go."

   "Here's a question— if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound if there's nobody there to hear it?" Spencer asked

   "What the hell are you reading?" Kit asked.

   "I was just thinking," Spencer said.

   "The unsub found Finnegan's corpse in a lightly traveled part of the woods, and no one else knew," Derek said, "so he was able to use this house, and no one was the wiser."

   "Actually, I was referring to Finnegan's wife," Spencer said. Kit laughed and looked down.

   "What are you talking about?" Derek asked.

   "She was rumored missing, perhaps killed, almost 50 years ago, when, in actuality, she left Finnegan for another man. Hr writes about it in hid journals, how he would look out the window on a daily basis to see if she would come home. She never did. He never recovered. He ended up turning into a recluse that people in town misunderstood," Spencer said.

   "Found somethin'," Jason said as he walked into the room, "come here." He walked away.

   "Provisions, delivered by the church to every elder's doorstep, each one dated after Finnegan died," Jason said.

   "So the unsub ate everything," Derek said.

   "Almost everything," Jason said, "unopened bowls of creamed spinach thrown into the trash, each other wrapped with ductape."

   "One with each tray," Spencer said.

   "So were looking for a guy who really, really hates spinach?" Kit asked, turning to Derek and holding her hands out, "might as well arrest me." Derek shook his head and shoved her shoulder gently.

   "I bet you'd like getting cuffed," Derek scoffed.

   "Only if it's you cuffing me," Kit smirked.

   "Who doesn't hate spinach?" Cora asked.

   "Me," Aleksander piped up as he walked up to him.

   "Ritualized, meticulous, organized," Jason said.

   "He would eat with the same particulars," Spencer said.

   "Pull prints," Jason said. His phone started to ring, "have Garcia run 'em for a match."

   "It's about Elle, isn't it?" Spencer asked, directing his question more towards Kit.

   "Hotch tells me a lot, but he doesn't tell me everything," Kit said softly.

   "Okay, Miss Future Unit Chief," Aleksander scoffed.

   "I don't know," Derek said to Spencer.

   "You know, I talked to her in Ohio."

   "Reid, we all talked to her."

   "No, I—I—I talked to her before. I went to her room one night, and she was drinking," Spencer said.

   "She almost died. I'd be drinkin', too," Derek said.

   Kit sat on the floor by Derek's legs, picking at her nail as Aleksander braided her hair. "Why the woods, JJ?" Derek asked. Aleksander sighed in annoyance when Kit looked at him, aggressively jerking her head so she groaned.

   "Ow!"

   "Hm?" JJ asked Derek.

   "Your fear. You said it was of the woods," Derek said.

   "Um, I used to be a camp counselor when I was a teenager in the woods up in Vermont. I had the night shift— tuck the girls in, turn off the lights, you know, the typical drill. Everything seemed fine, all the kids were asleep. You know, nothing seemed out of the ordinary… until I noticed that there was some blood on the hallway floor. So I followed the blood trail out to the camp directors cabin, walked up to his bed, and he was just laying there underneath his covers… dead. Someone stabbed him." Kit's eyes widened as Aleksander finished the braid. "I ran out if there so fast. Out the door, down the hall. I just remember it being really dark. Once I got to the door, there was another counselor there. I guess she heard me scream. They caught the caretaker on his way into town. I guess he still had the knife on him. Anyway, I guess that's probably when I decided I didn't like the woods."

   Kit and Derek glanced at each other. "You're serious?" Derek asked.

   JJ took a sip of her coffee, giving Derek a dead serious look before making a face. "No," she said. Kit rolled her eyes, as JJ laughed, "no, I… you fell for that?"

   Derek chuckled and leaned back into the couch. "Come on, I don't know why I'm afraid of the woods. I just… I am." JJ pointed to Spencer, still looking at Derek. "Why is he still afraid of the dark?" She then pointed to Kit. "And why is she afraid of medical masks?"

   Derek disregarded the question about Kit's fear, knowing it was a bad thing to look back on for her. "Yeah, Reid, why are you still afraid of the dark?"

   "Because of the inherent absence of light!" Spencer answered.

   "Oh," JJ said, Kit hearing an ounce of sarcasm in her voice.

   "JJ, that was pretty good," Derek said as his phone rang.

   "Ha! That's what she said!" Kit exclaimed.

   Derek gave her a look. "Just know that paybacks are a bitch," he said. Kit and Aleksander looked at each other with small smirks.

   "I'm shakin'," JJ joked.

   Derek answered his phone. "Yeah." He got off with the phone with Garcia after mentioning the guidence counselor. "Call Gideon. We just found our unsub."

   Derek walked into the cell with Kit and closed the door. He then walked over to Charles and placed the file down. "Here's the deal. I could stand here and tell you what I think you were doin' in Finnegan's house for the last two weeks, or you could do us all a favor. Sign a confession, maybe get a little something taken off your time. What do you say?" Derek asked.

   "I never stepped inside Finnegan's house," Charles said. Derek dropped the pen.

   "That isn't the answer we were looking for, sweetheart," Kit mocked. Earlier, Charles had called her sweetheart, so it was coming back to bite him in the ass.

   "See, fact is, we got your fingerprints inside the house all over the trays of food," Derek said.

   "Of course you did. I delivered 'em every week," Charles said.

   Derek grabbed the red hat. "What are you doin' with Nicholas Faye's hat? Hmm?" Derek asked.

   "Maybe he was trying to dispose of it. Or maybe he was so proud of his keepsake, he wanted a safe place to hide it," Kit said.

   "How these last six months been for you, James?" Derek asked, "not too good, huh? Oh, no, your whole life is fallin' apart, isn't it? Oh, yeah, you gotta be feelin' a loss of control."

   "Sense of abandonment," Kit continued.

   "And we would guess, uh… little impotent maybe," Derek said, "come on, man, give me somethin'."

   Kit smirked. "Why did your wife leave you, hmm?" She asked with a mock pout.

   "What happened, James? She get bored? I mean, you don't seem all that exciting to me," Derek said, "she start feeling a little uninspired? Hey, you're not a Minuteman, are you?" Charles stayed silent.

   "Oh, so that's what it is," Kit said snarkily, smiling as she walked over, "you're done before she even gets started, huh? She left you for another man who has—" James got up, pushing everything off the table and hitting Kit in the process, "okay then!"

   "James, that was exciting!" Derek yelled, "did she hit a nerve?"

   "I want to go home," Charles said.

   "Oh, you want to go home?" Kit asked.

   "Well, we're sorry. That ain't about to happen, so why don't you come over here and sit your ass down?" Derek asked. Charles didn't move, "I said sit down!"

   "I'm done talkin' to you," Charles said.

   Derek looked at Kit and she sighed. "I will tell you what you're done doing, understood?" She asked, "James, we can't help you if you don't start talking."

   "Somethin'!" Derek yelled. Derek got off the phone and Kit gave him a curious look. "What were you doin'? Workin' your way up to the victim you wanted to kill most? Your son?"

   Kit's eyes widened, before finally starting go catch onto what Derek was saying. "What'd you do with him, James?" Kit asked. James shook his head, sparking a new kind of rage in Kit. "Are you really so fucking weak you have to blame your own child for your failed marriage?!"

   "Shut up!" Charles yelled.

   "No! Start talking! Because we need to understand this!" Kit screamed, almost at the top of her lungs, "you beat those children who trusted you! Why?! So you could regain your power?!"

   Derek looked at her before looking back at Charles. "We got a news flash for you. You never had any to begin with," he said.

   "That's right. Keep it comin', keep it comin'," Charles said.

   "We are so far from finished with you, you son of a bitch," Derek said.

   "I could do this all day if I really wanted to," Kit said, "it's only a matter of time before I snap and you're on the floor, knocked out cold. You make me sick!"

   "You know what happens to guys who mess with kids on the inside?" Derek asked, "do you?"

   "Can I have a word with him?" Jason asked as he entered the room. Kit took a deep breath.

   "Yeah," Derek said, grabbing Kit's wrist gently and walking out. Kit leaned against the wall, rubbing her throat gently.

   "Screaming really took a toll on my vocal cords," she chuckled. Derek gave her the slightest smile, looking down at her wrist. He noticed the sever circular scars around her wrists.

   "What's that about?" He asked, nodding to the scars.

   "The US really needs to get better handcuffs," Kit smiled.

   "Ah," Derek nodded.

   "I also handcuff my wrist to the bed at night," Kit said softly, "PTSD has made me anxious. That I might get up and hurt someone without realizing it. Safety precautions, you know?"

   "Kit Kat," Derek sighed, "if you need help, talk to someone. Cora, Reid, Hotch Gideon, your brother, me."

   "None of you are professionals other than Cora, who despises me," Kit said.

   Derek nodded. "I get your point, but still..."

   "I'll keep it in mind," Kit smiled, starting to walk again.

   Derek smiled as well. "Yeah, you better."

   Kit, Derek, Jones, and Jason got out of the car quickly to meet JJ, Cora, and Spencer. "You know, after this mom left, Jeffery probably resented the fact that his dad spends more time at work with other kids than with his own," Derek said.

   "And took that rage out on any kid he viewed as having anything he didn't," Jason said.

   "So Tracy's mom said the bus would have dropped her off here after school," JJ said, "she was supposed to walk home with a neighbor."

   "That's most likely when Jeffery approached, but where would he have taken her?" Spencer asked.

   "There's such heavy patrolling in this town," JJ said, "how do you manage to take a little girl without being seen?"

   "Because we taught him," Kit realized, "nobody will think anything of two kids walking together—"

   "Buddy system, remember?" Aleksander asked.

   "In the process of educating the public, we educated a killer," Kit said.

   "When it's off season baseball, where would a 12-year-old kid hang out?" JJ asked.

   "The park," Jason said.

   "Surrounded by woods," Cora said.

   "Let's go."

   Kit and Jason had found Tracy and Jeffery at almost the exact same time. Jason had grabbed Jeffery while Tracy clung to Kit, Kit holding the young blonde tightly.

   "Are you okay?" Kit asked Tracy softly, stroking her hair a bit. Tracy nodded. "Good. Good. Okay."

   Kit sighed and looked at Charles, feeling slightly guilty. "I'm not gonna apologize, but if you want or need to, Kit Kat, go ahead," Derek said to her. Kit hesitated before nodding and walking over to Charles.

   "Mr. Charles," Kit said, "I think an apology is in order. Had I put it together before hand, I wouldn't have treated you the way I did."

   "You were doing your job, Agent Egorova," Charles replied. Kit smiled sadly.

   "I still shouldn't have said those things." She put her hand out and Charles shook it quickly, "have a nice day."

   Charles nodded. "You too." Kit walked away and over to Derek quickly.

   "You tell him everything you needed to?" Derek asked. Kit nodded and sighed, giving Derek a small smile.

   "Yeah. I did."

DAI SPEAKS howdy hoe

[virginiamurrayblog]

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career

(Photograph: iStock)

Of the many mantras Oprah, Bruce Springsteen and Louise Hay have taught me, the one I’ve repeated most often, I cooked up all on my own: I don’t deserve this. Those four words loop around my brain like an uninvited earworm, chipping away at hopefulness I’ve felt for everything from personal relationships to my career.

I didn’t always feel so unworthy. This started because, while freelance writing full-time five years ago, I tried to do the right thing. In case my name reminds you only of macaroni or Madonna Ciccone, I wrote that salacious xoJane article about Jian Ghomeshi’s predilection for subverting the personal space and safety of women, years before anyone else came forward publicly about his conduct and a criminal trial that ensued. In the article, I talk about a terrible date I went on with the former radio host, during which he aggressively touched my body without invitation. I wanted to warn other women about him, but after it was published, I was what they call “shamed”—which really felt more like career exile.

Although it was only five years ago, the overall feeling in 2013 was that you deserved what you got for speaking out against powerful men online. No one stood up for you publicly, detractors verbally bullied and threatened you, and the powers that be at social media platforms were even worse than they are now at dealing with online harassment.

What I loved about writing for xoJane—a site started by legendary Sassy founder Jane Pratt and which called itself a place “where women go to be their unabashed selves, and where their unabashed selves are applauded”—was the idea that women could talk about the things we, at the time, still weren’t really supposed to talk about in public, or at least on mainstream media platforms. There was a freedom to the content that made it exciting, and I took full advantage of the opportunity to write about everything from upper lip hair to past abusive relationships. But that unbridled freedom came at a cost, and when articles blew up in a negative way, writers were often left to deal with the consequences alone. There was no support from my editor, who at the time refused to change both the very long and very bad title given to the Ghomeshi piece and the editing errors within it, and I was attacked from all angles—Canadian media, social media and even within my inner circles. Nowhere felt safe.

Despite their mistreatment, I kept writing for xoJane. Weird, right? Not really. My self-worth had been reduced to 140-character or less insults from Ghomeshi enthusiasts and men’s rights activists. I was doing the only thing I thought myself worthy and capable of. One trusted magazine editor reached out to me—someone I had written for in the past—and told me I ought to be more selective with what I was putting online. She seemed embarrassed for me. After that, I didn’t bother reaching out to editors from other pubs to pitch stories because I was sure no one wanted anything else to do with me. I felt barely worthy of xoJane.

During the backlash, I also started behaving in ways that *would* embarrass most people—drinking often and a lot and getting into situations with men, women and strangers that could have easily turned dangerous. I also gave the universal signal of a lady going through some shit: I cut my hair off and got bad bangs.

“People can sometimes respond to trauma by engaging in reckless or self-destructive behaviour, or by acting paranoid, jumpy, irritable or aggressive,” Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, tells me over the phone while we are discussing the fallout from this period in my life. “You’re trying to manage your feelings of being betrayed or unsafe, so there’s this sense of falling apart or being damaged or broken.”

Before this happened, I had a downright plucky approach to my career. After working an editorial job at a city magazine in Calgary, I moved to Toronto in 2011 and tried my best to hustle my way through the big city and line up media work, without a clue how to do that—or the implications of being a woman trying to do that. But after that encounter with Ghomeshi in the summer of 2012, which I had gone into with networking in mind, I started to doubt the resolute approach that had gotten me where I was.

***

It takes a lot of willful passivity to protect inexcusable conduct from people in power positions. It seemed to be a laughable open secret in Toronto media that this man regularly violated and hurt women. Even a former friend of mine, who happened to be an equally powerful player in Canadian media, responded to a text about whether he was friends with Ghomeshi with, “Yeah, why did he try to fuck you? Lol.”

After writing the xoJane article and dealing with the resultant online shaming, I went from hungry to hunted, and I barely had the confidence to apply to positions I was more than qualified for, let alone boldly put myself out there. Toronto, in my mind, had become an unsafe place.

“Trauma generalizes,” says Dr. Hendriksen, “Instead of one terrible man and a few untrustworthy people, the entire city becomes evil.” Despite this, my solid experience as a writer and producer landed me a handful of interviews.

Unfortunately, more than a few of the people I interviewed with stoked the flames of my career fear. Over the phone, one woman briefly asked me about my background and qualifications, then said, “So was it true? The article. Did that really happen?” She later let me know that she couldn’t see me working at her tech company but thought that the piece was entertaining. Another potential employer had me in for an interview and asked if I planned to use my professional experiences as fodder for more pieces like the xoJane one. He also wanted to know if there was more to the story that I didn’t write—seemingly hoping for hot gossip. A different man in a one-on-one interview asked if I regretted writing the piece, and after I told him no, he patted me on the back and said, “Well, good luck.” No callbacks.

After a series of dead-end interviews and leads in Toronto, I decided to move across the country to Vancouver to write copy for a yoga pants company. It was a contract gig, and I relished the opportunity to write inconsequential words in a place where people didn’t seem to know or care about the xoJane story. When I returned to Toronto in the winter of 2015, it was long after the news broke about Ghomeshi, and the city seemed less threatening than it had before. My job search came to a sardonic pinnacle later that year, when I was invited to interview for a music writer gig at CBC Radio. Ghomeshi was out of the building by then, but CBC—and Q especially—hadn’t fully come to terms with their part in actively supporting Ghomeshi’s problematic behaviour for years.

I made my way to the interview with a strong need to prove that I still had some nerve. CBC’s Toronto HQ, which I was familiar with from working there on a contract three years before, has the tree house from Mr. Dressup on display in one of its hallways. Thoughts of Casey and Finnegan served as a comforting reminder that this company could still be and do good. I would ace this interview, get back on track in my career and everything would be ok. But when I walked through the front doors and saw red chairs in the lobby, I was reminded of Q and promptly began to hyperventilate.

I didn’t get the job—because I had a panic attack and performed terribly—but I did stay in Toronto long enough to watch the Ghomeshi trial unfold. I decided to write an essay for Chatelaine about my experience, marking a return to personal writing after over a year of silence. It was cathartic in some ways and re-traumatizing in others, because of course, I still had a great deal of detractors. Since the comments were left on, many of those detractors got to share their opinions right below my article.

Although it started out as a redemptive opportunity for his victims, the Ghomeshi trial turned out to be a permanent stain on the Canadian legal system that will forever be an example of everything wrong with the way we try sexual assault cases. The star got a slick lawyer and his accusers got the Crown. They were woefully underprepared for what would ensue. It was disorienting and painful to watch these brave women share their experiences and be torn apart for it.

It is scary as hell to call a bad man out on his bad behaviour, especially when others won’t. Before #MeToo created a movement out of believing and supporting women, those who came forward were routinely disbelieved, cast aside, laughed at, harassed and abused. Many of us are still dealing with the impact of that trauma. In fact, a common theme among of those who develop PTSD is that they often get negative reactions from those they initially share their stories with. “Regardless of the kind of trauma you’ve gone through, your first responders can make all the difference,” says Dr. Hendriksen. “If you are believed or not, or supported versus rejected, can really set the course for whether you heal naturally or develop PTSD.”

Since finding out I have PTSD, which to be honest, I genuinely didn’t know I had before I started this essay, I’ve been able to process the impact the past five years has had on my life and career in a much calmer way. I’d been struggling, even at contract gigs, to adjust to office culture—based largely on the fact that I’d been telling myself I wasn’t worthy, likeable or good. Realizing that I wasn’t always this paranoid, and that this behaviour came as a result of going through some shit, has been a relief.

I’m now freelance writing again, and currently in therapy to move on from PTSD and help build my confidence back up, career-wise. Dr. Hendriksen recommends seeking out positive experiences with people in media, to replace the negative ones I’ve had. The editors from various publications that I’m writing for have been incredibly kind and supportive, and they’re helping me shape a new, non-threatening idea of what it means to be a woman working in media. Freelancing comes with its stresses, but I’m now open to the possibility of a thriving career, which was a dream I had all but given up on a few years ago. I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t deserve a good life. It’s also probably time to revisit my beloved mantras. I’ll leave you with one from Oprah: “Self-esteem comes from being able to define the world in your own terms and refusing to abide by the judgments of others.”

Related: Eight Men and Women on Dating in the #MeToo Era Shitty Men, CanLit and the Legal Ramifications of the Whisper Network Why Margaret Atwood Is No Longer a Millennial Hero

The post Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career appeared first on Flare.

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career published first on https://wholesalescarvescity.tumblr.com/

[virginiamurrayblog]

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career

(Photograph: iStock)

Of the many mantras Oprah, Bruce Springsteen and Louise Hay have taught me, the one I’ve repeated most often, I cooked up all on my own: I don’t deserve this. Those four words loop around my brain like an uninvited earworm, chipping away at hopefulness I’ve felt for everything from personal relationships to my career.

I didn’t always feel so unworthy. This started because, while freelance writing full-time five years ago, I tried to do the right thing. In case my name reminds you only of macaroni or Madonna Ciccone, I wrote that salacious xoJane article about Jian Ghomeshi’s predilection for subverting the personal space and safety of women, years before anyone else came forward publicly about his conduct and a criminal trial that ensued. In the article, I talk about a terrible date I went on with the former radio host, during which he aggressively touched my body without invitation. I wanted to warn other women about him, but after it was published, I was what they call “shamed”—which really felt more like career exile.

Although it was only five years ago, the overall feeling in 2013 was that you deserved what you got for speaking out against powerful men online. No one stood up for you publicly, detractors verbally bullied and threatened you, and the powers that be at social media platforms were even worse than they are now at dealing with online harassment.

What I loved about writing for xoJane—a site started by legendary Sassy founder Jane Pratt and which called itself a place “where women go to be their unabashed selves, and where their unabashed selves are applauded”—was the idea that women could talk about the things we, at the time, still weren’t really supposed to talk about in public, or at least on mainstream media platforms. There was a freedom to the content that made it exciting, and I took full advantage of the opportunity to write about everything from upper lip hair to past abusive relationships. But that unbridled freedom came at a cost, and when articles blew up in a negative way, writers were often left to deal with the consequences alone. There was no support from my editor, who at the time refused to change both the very long and very bad title given to the Ghomeshi piece and the editing errors within it, and I was attacked from all angles—Canadian media, social media and even within my inner circles. Nowhere felt safe.

Despite their mistreatment, I kept writing for xoJane. Weird, right? Not really. My self-worth had been reduced to 140-character or less insults from Ghomeshi enthusiasts and men’s rights activists. I was doing the only thing I thought myself worthy and capable of. One trusted magazine editor reached out to me—someone I had written for in the past—and told me I ought to be more selective with what I was putting online. She seemed embarrassed for me. After that, I didn’t bother reaching out to editors from other pubs to pitch stories because I was sure no one wanted anything else to do with me. I felt barely worthy of xoJane.

During the backlash, I also started behaving in ways that *would* embarrass most people—drinking often and a lot and getting into situations with men, women and strangers that could have easily turned dangerous. I also gave the universal signal of a lady going through some shit: I cut my hair off and got bad bangs.

“People can sometimes respond to trauma by engaging in reckless or self-destructive behaviour, or by acting paranoid, jumpy, irritable or aggressive,” Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, tells me over the phone while we are discussing the fallout from this period in my life. “You’re trying to manage your feelings of being betrayed or unsafe, so there’s this sense of falling apart or being damaged or broken.”

Before this happened, I had a downright plucky approach to my career. After working an editorial job at a city magazine in Calgary, I moved to Toronto in 2011 and tried my best to hustle my way through the big city and line up media work, without a clue how to do that—or the implications of being a woman trying to do that. But after that encounter with Ghomeshi in the summer of 2012, which I had gone into with networking in mind, I started to doubt the resolute approach that had gotten me where I was.

***

It takes a lot of willful passivity to protect inexcusable conduct from people in power positions. It seemed to be a laughable open secret in Toronto media that this man regularly violated and hurt women. Even a former friend of mine, who happened to be an equally powerful player in Canadian media, responded to a text about whether he was friends with Ghomeshi with, “Yeah, why did he try to fuck you? Lol.”

After writing the xoJane article and dealing with the resultant online shaming, I went from hungry to hunted, and I barely had the confidence to apply to positions I was more than qualified for, let alone boldly put myself out there. Toronto, in my mind, had become an unsafe place.

“Trauma generalizes,” says Dr. Hendriksen, “Instead of one terrible man and a few untrustworthy people, the entire city becomes evil.” Despite this, my solid experience as a writer and producer landed me a handful of interviews.

Unfortunately, more than a few of the people I interviewed with stoked the flames of my career fear. Over the phone, one woman briefly asked me about my background and qualifications, then said, “So was it true? The article. Did that really happen?” She later let me know that she couldn’t see me working at her tech company but thought that the piece was entertaining. Another potential employer had me in for an interview and asked if I planned to use my professional experiences as fodder for more pieces like the xoJane one. He also wanted to know if there was more to the story that I didn’t write—seemingly hoping for hot gossip. A different man in a one-on-one interview asked if I regretted writing the piece, and after I told him no, he patted me on the back and said, “Well, good luck.” No callbacks.

After a series of dead-end interviews and leads in Toronto, I decided to move across the country to Vancouver to write copy for a yoga pants company. It was a contract gig, and I relished the opportunity to write inconsequential words in a place where people didn’t seem to know or care about the xoJane story. When I returned to Toronto in the winter of 2015, it was long after the news broke about Ghomeshi, and the city seemed less threatening than it had before. My job search came to a sardonic pinnacle later that year, when I was invited to interview for a music writer gig at CBC Radio. Ghomeshi was out of the building by then, but CBC—and Q especially—hadn’t fully come to terms with their part in actively supporting Ghomeshi’s problematic behaviour for years.

I made my way to the interview with a strong need to prove that I still had some nerve. CBC’s Toronto HQ, which I was familiar with from working there on a contract three years before, has the tree house from Mr. Dressup on display in one of its hallways. Thoughts of Casey and Finnegan served as a comforting reminder that this company could still be and do good. I would ace this interview, get back on track in my career and everything would be ok. But when I walked through the front doors and saw red chairs in the lobby, I was reminded of Q and promptly began to hyperventilate.

I didn’t get the job—because I had a panic attack and performed terribly—but I did stay in Toronto long enough to watch the Ghomeshi trial unfold. I decided to write an essay for Chatelaine about my experience, marking a return to personal writing after over a year of silence. It was cathartic in some ways and re-traumatizing in others, because of course, I still had a great deal of detractors. Since the comments were left on, many of those detractors got to share their opinions right below my article.

Although it started out as a redemptive opportunity for his victims, the Ghomeshi trial turned out to be a permanent stain on the Canadian legal system that will forever be an example of everything wrong with the way we try sexual assault cases. The star got a slick lawyer and his accusers got the Crown. They were woefully underprepared for what would ensue. It was disorienting and painful to watch these brave women share their experiences and be torn apart for it.

It is scary as hell to call a bad man out on his bad behaviour, especially when others won’t. Before #MeToo created a movement out of believing and supporting women, those who came forward were routinely disbelieved, cast aside, laughed at, harassed and abused. Many of us are still dealing with the impact of that trauma. In fact, a common theme among of those who develop PTSD is that they often get negative reactions from those they initially share their stories with. “Regardless of the kind of trauma you’ve gone through, your first responders can make all the difference,” says Dr. Hendriksen. “If you are believed or not, or supported versus rejected, can really set the course for whether you heal naturally or develop PTSD.”

Since finding out I have PTSD, which to be honest, I genuinely didn’t know I had before I started this essay, I’ve been able to process the impact the past five years has had on my life and career in a much calmer way. I’d been struggling, even at contract gigs, to adjust to office culture—based largely on the fact that I’d been telling myself I wasn’t worthy, likeable or good. Realizing that I wasn’t always this paranoid, and that this behaviour came as a result of going through some shit, has been a relief.

I’m now freelance writing again, and currently in therapy to move on from PTSD and help build my confidence back up, career-wise. Dr. Hendriksen recommends seeking out positive experiences with people in media, to replace the negative ones I’ve had. The editors from various publications that I’m writing for have been incredibly kind and supportive, and they’re helping me shape a new, non-threatening idea of what it means to be a woman working in media. Freelancing comes with its stresses, but I’m now open to the possibility of a thriving career, which was a dream I had all but given up on a few years ago. I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t deserve a good life. It’s also probably time to revisit my beloved mantras. I’ll leave you with one from Oprah: “Self-esteem comes from being able to define the world in your own terms and refusing to abide by the judgments of others.”

Related: Eight Men and Women on Dating in the #MeToo Era Shitty Men, CanLit and the Legal Ramifications of the Whisper Network Why Margaret Atwood Is No Longer a Millennial Hero

The post Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career appeared first on Flare.

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career published first on https://wholesalescarvescity.tumblr.com/

[virginiamurrayblog]

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career

(Photograph: iStock)

Of the many mantras Oprah, Bruce Springsteen and Louise Hay have taught me, the one I’ve repeated most often, I cooked up all on my own: I don’t deserve this. Those four words loop around my brain like an uninvited earworm, chipping away at hopefulness I’ve felt for everything from personal relationships to my career.

I didn’t always feel so unworthy. This started because, while freelance writing full-time five years ago, I tried to do the right thing. In case my name reminds you only of macaroni or Madonna Ciccone, I wrote that salacious xoJane article about Jian Ghomeshi’s predilection for subverting the personal space and safety of women, years before anyone else came forward publicly about his conduct and a criminal trial that ensued. In the article, I talk about a terrible date I went on with the former radio host, during which he aggressively touched my body without invitation. I wanted to warn other women about him, but after it was published, I was what they call “shamed”—which really felt more like career exile.

Although it was only five years ago, the overall feeling in 2013 was that you deserved what you got for speaking out against powerful men online. No one stood up for you publicly, detractors verbally bullied and threatened you, and the powers that be at social media platforms were even worse than they are now at dealing with online harassment.

What I loved about writing for xoJane—a site started by legendary Sassy founder Jane Pratt and which called itself a place “where women go to be their unabashed selves, and where their unabashed selves are applauded”—was the idea that women could talk about the things we, at the time, still weren’t really supposed to talk about in public, or at least on mainstream media platforms. There was a freedom to the content that made it exciting, and I took full advantage of the opportunity to write about everything from upper lip hair to past abusive relationships. But that unbridled freedom came at a cost, and when articles blew up in a negative way, writers were often left to deal with the consequences alone. There was no support from my editor, who at the time refused to change both the very long and very bad title given to the Ghomeshi piece and the editing errors within it, and I was attacked from all angles—Canadian media, social media and even within my inner circles. Nowhere felt safe.

Despite their mistreatment, I kept writing for xoJane. Weird, right? Not really. My self-worth had been reduced to 140-character or less insults from Ghomeshi enthusiasts and men’s rights activists. I was doing the only thing I thought myself worthy and capable of. One trusted magazine editor reached out to me—someone I had written for in the past—and told me I ought to be more selective with what I was putting online. She seemed embarrassed for me. After that, I didn’t bother reaching out to editors from other pubs to pitch stories because I was sure no one wanted anything else to do with me. I felt barely worthy of xoJane.

During the backlash, I also started behaving in ways that *would* embarrass most people—drinking often and a lot and getting into situations with men, women and strangers that could have easily turned dangerous. I also gave the universal signal of a lady going through some shit: I cut my hair off and got bad bangs.

“People can sometimes respond to trauma by engaging in reckless or self-destructive behaviour, or by acting paranoid, jumpy, irritable or aggressive,” Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, tells me over the phone while we are discussing the fallout from this period in my life. “You’re trying to manage your feelings of being betrayed or unsafe, so there’s this sense of falling apart or being damaged or broken.”

Before this happened, I had a downright plucky approach to my career. After working an editorial job at a city magazine in Calgary, I moved to Toronto in 2011 and tried my best to hustle my way through the big city and line up media work, without a clue how to do that—or the implications of being a woman trying to do that. But after that encounter with Ghomeshi in the summer of 2012, which I had gone into with networking in mind, I started to doubt the resolute approach that had gotten me where I was.

***

It takes a lot of willful passivity to protect inexcusable conduct from people in power positions. It seemed to be a laughable open secret in Toronto media that this man regularly violated and hurt women. Even a former friend of mine, who happened to be an equally powerful player in Canadian media, responded to a text about whether he was friends with Ghomeshi with, “Yeah, why did he try to fuck you? Lol.”

After writing the xoJane article and dealing with the resultant online shaming, I went from hungry to hunted, and I barely had the confidence to apply to positions I was more than qualified for, let alone boldly put myself out there. Toronto, in my mind, had become an unsafe place.

“Trauma generalizes,” says Dr. Hendriksen, “Instead of one terrible man and a few untrustworthy people, the entire city becomes evil.” Despite this, my solid experience as a writer and producer landed me a handful of interviews.

Unfortunately, more than a few of the people I interviewed with stoked the flames of my career fear. Over the phone, one woman briefly asked me about my background and qualifications, then said, “So was it true? The article. Did that really happen?” She later let me know that she couldn’t see me working at her tech company but thought that the piece was entertaining. Another potential employer had me in for an interview and asked if I planned to use my professional experiences as fodder for more pieces like the xoJane one. He also wanted to know if there was more to the story that I didn’t write—seemingly hoping for hot gossip. A different man in a one-on-one interview asked if I regretted writing the piece, and after I told him no, he patted me on the back and said, “Well, good luck.” No callbacks.

After a series of dead-end interviews and leads in Toronto, I decided to move across the country to Vancouver to write copy for a yoga pants company. It was a contract gig, and I relished the opportunity to write inconsequential words in a place where people didn’t seem to know or care about the xoJane story. When I returned to Toronto in the winter of 2015, it was long after the news broke about Ghomeshi, and the city seemed less threatening than it had before. My job search came to a sardonic pinnacle later that year, when I was invited to interview for a music writer gig at CBC Radio. Ghomeshi was out of the building by then, but CBC—and Q especially—hadn’t fully come to terms with their part in actively supporting Ghomeshi’s problematic behaviour for years.

I made my way to the interview with a strong need to prove that I still had some nerve. CBC’s Toronto HQ, which I was familiar with from working there on a contract three years before, has the tree house from Mr. Dressup on display in one of its hallways. Thoughts of Casey and Finnegan served as a comforting reminder that this company could still be and do good. I would ace this interview, get back on track in my career and everything would be ok. But when I walked through the front doors and saw red chairs in the lobby, I was reminded of Q and promptly began to hyperventilate.

I didn’t get the job—because I had a panic attack and performed terribly—but I did stay in Toronto long enough to watch the Ghomeshi trial unfold. I decided to write an essay for Chatelaine about my experience, marking a return to personal writing after over a year of silence. It was cathartic in some ways and re-traumatizing in others, because of course, I still had a great deal of detractors. Since the comments were left on, many of those detractors got to share their opinions right below my article.

Although it started out as a redemptive opportunity for his victims, the Ghomeshi trial turned out to be a permanent stain on the Canadian legal system that will forever be an example of everything wrong with the way we try sexual assault cases. The star got a slick lawyer and his accusers got the Crown. They were woefully underprepared for what would ensue. It was disorienting and painful to watch these brave women share their experiences and be torn apart for it.

It is scary as hell to call a bad man out on his bad behaviour, especially when others won’t. Before #MeToo created a movement out of believing and supporting women, those who came forward were routinely disbelieved, cast aside, laughed at, harassed and abused. Many of us are still dealing with the impact of that trauma. In fact, a common theme among of those who develop PTSD is that they often get negative reactions from those they initially share their stories with. “Regardless of the kind of trauma you’ve gone through, your first responders can make all the difference,” says Dr. Hendriksen. “If you are believed or not, or supported versus rejected, can really set the course for whether you heal naturally or develop PTSD.”

Since finding out I have PTSD, which to be honest, I genuinely didn’t know I had before I started this essay, I’ve been able to process the impact the past five years has had on my life and career in a much calmer way. I’d been struggling, even at contract gigs, to adjust to office culture—based largely on the fact that I’d been telling myself I wasn’t worthy, likeable or good. Realizing that I wasn’t always this paranoid, and that this behaviour came as a result of going through some shit, has been a relief.

I’m now freelance writing again, and currently in therapy to move on from PTSD and help build my confidence back up, career-wise. Dr. Hendriksen recommends seeking out positive experiences with people in media, to replace the negative ones I’ve had. The editors from various publications that I’m writing for have been incredibly kind and supportive, and they’re helping me shape a new, non-threatening idea of what it means to be a woman working in media. Freelancing comes with its stresses, but I’m now open to the possibility of a thriving career, which was a dream I had all but given up on a few years ago. I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t deserve a good life. It’s also probably time to revisit my beloved mantras. I’ll leave you with one from Oprah: “Self-esteem comes from being able to define the world in your own terms and refusing to abide by the judgments of others.”

Related: Eight Men and Women on Dating in the #MeToo Era Shitty Men, CanLit and the Legal Ramifications of the Whisper Network Why Margaret Atwood Is No Longer a Millennial Hero

The post Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career appeared first on Flare.

Years Before #MeToo, Outing a Powerful Man for Bad Behaviour Nearly Ruined My Career published first on https://wholesalescarvescity.tumblr.com/