#and what i'll be able to afford
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ex-assassin REACTS
#dishonored#corvo attano#hi. im IMPOVERISHED and ILL and trying to deal w that. if youd like an update on yr commission please hmu and i'll do what i can!#otherwise im working slowly thru everything including sideblog mini-commissions ive been doing to be able to afford food and meds#btw i reject dh2 corvo. thats not real. whos that. thats Video Game Dad 3
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song about something you'll never be forgiven for. beepbox link here, and a singalong under the read more :''-)
starting point "…so don't look back" i took your hand and led you astray into the light i fear i might have made a fatal mistake walk in a straight line walk in a straight line i couldn't ask i only hope that sinners are saved but in all honesty, my honor keeps me somewhat afraid walk in a straight line don't dare look behind ♫♫♫ i had a dream we tried to reach the finishing line but in the silence still the time we killed had come back to life walk in a straight line walk in a straight line the signs had merged into a single "end of the world" where every undead thing was damned to sing "esrever ni gnos a" walk in a straight line …tell me that you're fine ♫♫♫ walk in a straight line (walk in a straight line) don't dare look behind (don't dare look behind) tell me that you're fine (something that had died) you're still breathing right? (are you satisfied?) walk between the lines (how to save a life) don't dare look behind (change the ending line) reach the end this time (tell a little lie) bring me back to life… ♫♫♫ if i'd look back and held the hands that led me astray into the light i'd proudly cry "this is my final mistake" walk with me this time walk with me this time i should have asked i know the answer's somewhat cliché but was it worth the price and worth the pain? you're fading away— walk with me this time bring me back to life… if i'd look back… if i'd look back… if i'd look back… if i'd look back… if i'd look back… if you'd look--
#i've been sitting on this song for a while now... i really wanted to make a video for it but it's late and i can't afford to stay up#for much longer. and i know if i leave this for tomorrow it won't get finished until like. 839482394 months later.#i'm just glad i was able to sketch something that i don't completely hate LOL#anyways.. many many thoughts and feelings poured into this one#i will say the primary thing that inspired it was killua & gon#and also yhk . They Looked Back#wish i could somehow concisely explain my thought process for the song's original meaning but its somewhat convoluted#i guess in essence it was motivated by the idea of ''what if orpheus really did somehow manage to Not look back?''#''isn't it more tragic that way? that he never looks back and just keeps walking?''#sniffles. yeah. shoutout to killua ''rip to orpheus but I'm Different'' zoldyck for that one#theres a lot of other different ways to interpret the song but that one's still one of my favorites...... lol#okay hugs and kisses and goodnight.... maybe one day i'll be able to make that video of mine. smiles#lalala#fishbowl
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me after my mom called and said 'hey I found this old canon eos 400D with a bunch of lenses if you're interested'
#why yes. I am. a bunch of lenses you say?#an actual legitimate camera?#it's probably older than a solid chunk of my followers on here but like hi yes I am listening actually.#she says it had a battery issue and it was too complicated for her to figure out#but I would loooove to at least see it and troubleshoot.#I love my new camera but it's not a 'real' camera because that's just not an affordable thing for me.#it's a very fun digital/instant hybrid that's GREAT for little trips and printing 'polaroids' [instax film] with friends and stuff#but I've really been struggling with the automatic controls. it does not have good... dynamic range I think it's called?#its lighting autofocus is bad and it's going to be the death of me#but if I can get this old camera mom found working then I might be able to get some cool stuff done with it that this one can't do.#it's out of date and I'd need to buy a CF card/cf reader (usb probably and not just an sd adapter)#but all things considered that's probably less than $40 for a few hundred dollars worth of equipment counting the lenses.#and filters! it has a polarizing filter that I am very excited about. even my current one could use it.#it 'sees through' polarized/reflected light. it's how people take pictures through windows or water or minimizing leaf shine etc.#and like. 'real' camera equipment is like >1k these days for the camera alone. it's not an easy hobby to get into#so it's really a 'take what you can get' kind of thing for me.#if I can get this to work then I'll have a great vacation/road trip/hangout instant-printing camera AND an Actual Camera™#even if the actual camera is a legal adult.#it would still get me laughed off of the photography reddit lmao but I'm suuuuper excited to mess with it soon.#loving the instax mini evo but it is much better suited to 'easy' shots and not actual focus/lighting/etc.#great camera! I will still use it for years but I am learning what it's suited for and what it isn't.#and hopefully what it isn't suited for will be something this new (well. old) one *is*#no live view which is... pretty fucking annoying but I am still excited
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still alive. hanging out with my pal helped it was chill and awesome how easy it was just to sit arnd in each others company doin our own things. on shift w the fun coworker so hopefully i can let his voice wash over me like waves this evening i just gotta make it through from now until i clock in & then from when i close up to when i get home n eat dinner. closing up will put me thru insane illness i fear but we ball nothin i aint dealt with before
#shitboxposting#amazed im still alive. in a good way being alive is so nice#it smells like spring outside ! thats so nice !!#i think my current ennui is not having a good picture of what i want my future to look like & more importantly#not feeling like i'll get there#im coming back to it though. this tiny precious dream i dont talk about because its too fragile and i want nothing to break it#i literally want a home. with a couch and a sliding glass door to the backyard and kinda near the beach if i could manage it#a sunroom or garden i can sit & draw in . that golden stove light on the bottom of the microwave . a stack of board games#a guest room & so many spare pillows and blankets so people can crash. decent tv. big dining room table. kitchen island#my beanbag can come with me. a dinky lil room for myself. plenty of lamps and low light sources#im working towards a degree so i can afford all that. im getting better at being friendly so i can have friends over more readily .#it may seem frustrating when romantic relationships dont work out but aside from those individual attempts im getting better personally@#being able to handle having one at all. that progress is harder to see but i cant ignore that#im feeling better now. gnna play hades 2
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cant wait to have my own house and its just. autism. autism everywhere. boom saw shelf. I cant hear you over me sipping out of my limited edition X merchandise Billy sippy cup
#this is playing on the fantasy i'll ever be able to afford a house#based on the housing market and also my spending habits#no i didnt just buy chainshipping plushies no do not check my bank account#sawposting#sawtism#saw franchise#saw#i make great financial decisions what are you talking about
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cat might have had a very small seizure & now there's a bit of blood in one eye 🥲
#i cant i CANT do this again pleeaaasseee#he's got so many issues and we did expect him to die like 2.5 years ago so#those 2.5 years have been a bonus#i doubt he will be gone soon#but to have to worry about his health 2 months after tommy is#rough !!#i'm so tired from uni & travelling that maybe i'm being dramatic#i wanted to chill and reply to the huge buildup of neglected messages tonight#but this is too much lmaooo#if i lose my other cat too then idk what i'll do. still haven't processed tommy#i will be watching money carefully until i'm employed#and maybe it's premature but i need to keep some aside for his cremation#because my mum won't be able to afford that#🥲👍#btw. cat seems ok now#he was purring very loud and moving just fine#acting normal#i know he'd show it if he was in pain or otherwise affected so idk#idk what to do jdndndfjfj
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I love these cosmetics, holy shit (pictures from @// dvveet on twitter)
#dbd#thoughts about media#*long suffering sigh*#opening comms might be the only way I will be able to afford anything more than the FNAF chapter#As gabe's 2vs8 cosmetic ate up the last of my gifted steam monies#If I buy any cosmetics I'll probably just purchase vecna and gabe#even tho gabe's cosmetic is a bit plain for my tastes.#It's still nice. I just hope they don't make normal clothing a habit. I like his weird outfits.#The xeno cosmetic looks like it's actually for the queen which makes me really want it#but I NEVER play xeno lol. I just cannot get into her playstyle.#so it wouldn't make sense to spend what little money I have on her OTL
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how do y'all motivate yourself to do anything?? I'm amazed I can even remember to eat once a day, go to work most days, but this shit is ridiculous, man
#meanwhile i cant get my damn imagination to work either so all my shitty ass drawings take forever to make now#and then i cant imagine being alive another few years at this point#i have to move out bc i can barely afford this place and its already insanely cheap compared to the city#but im moving to my aunt's bc she has literally 9 different kinds of cancer and wasnt supposed to live thru Christmas and is now declining#so Someone needs to be there bc its likely her spine will go first before everything else#but when she dies i cant exactly pay her mortgage so then im just out AGAIN and I'll probably have to go live middle of nowhere again#which isnt gonna help anything if things only continue to get worse for queer people and the economy#like going back to college wont do anything for me#switching jobs wont do anything either at this point#i dont have the energy to do something different anyway#ughhhh#im just stuck cant do anything to improve anything for myself or anyone else#im constantly terrified something is gonna happen to my nephew or my mom and then my only supports will be gone#and i just wont have any way to convince myself not to just off myself instantly#im amazed how much ive been holding off the powerdrill hours feeling lately#its like CONSTANT#no matter what im doing#even being able to hang out with my nephew? not good enough for this stupid brain apparently#ughhh#i hate it#orbs thought bubbles
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💜
#so yeah I wouldn't mind a little extra prayer for my sanity and my house today (perhaps my health too)#addressing foundation/drainage issues has now jumped to the top of my to-do list#said issues sound straight-forward to fix but no idea what cost is gonna look like#and to get to some of this stuff I really need to tackle the stupid poison ivy....#my garden is a wilderness and my shed is disorganized and my gutters need cleaned but hey! I mowed the lawn (except for like three passes#because I ran out of gas)#fortunately I have a little extra money and I'll be getting what passes for my bonus in a couple of months#there go my fun ren fest plans (one day I'll be able to afford something bigger than an ornament or other trinket#but it's ok because I get to go with my friends and that's the important thing)
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The 5.8 unit is bound to be a divaaaaaaaa omg i just feel it... they cannot under any circumstance make a flop electro charged character?
#i am taking it as another yae win..... & i'll probably pull cause. what the hell. sure#i mean. idk if i'll be able to afford it after skirk#but i'll try ....#oh my god we could even REVIVE THE YAE BATHWATER TEAM..... (yae fischl kokomi kazuha....)
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It's so evil that I'm getting hella dress coded at the school I'm going to next semester 😭 I was so excited to do stupid shit to my hair this summer but I gotta keep it plain and might end up needing to cut it short and respectable anyways ughh
#planning which piercings I'm gonna try and salvage and which I need to take out too :/ cuz even if I wear a mask dress code extends to res#halls too >:( I think I'll try to buy retainers for my tongue and septum and hope for the best with the others. gonna try to shrink my lobes#to ~14-18g too if I can but that's a long process so I gotta start soon#but I'm excited for everything else except dress code so I still think it's a good idea to go and not worth it to hold on to my piercings#theoretically I'll have a real job soon after so I'll be able to afford to repierce. but on the other hand what if real job dress codes. ugh
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Forever wishing I had money to commission people.
#Cade.Txts#one day i will have enough money to spare some to commission funny art of my ocs and sonas...One Day.#unrealated. looking for a house to buy is. hard.#<-not for myself for my family. want to move closer to my sister in Indiana so we can be nearer to my nephew.#houses are so fucking expensive. i need to find a job i can actually Handle to try n save money to put towards it.#truthfully i've always wantec to move into the UP....But thats a fairytale dream. i'd never be able to#afford some place in the up in my life.#and indiana is where My Funny lil giy is so i will go there just to be around him.#funny to talk about this on a post where i'm dreaming of commissioning art of my ocs but WHATEVER-#Until i have money i'll simply rotate images in my brain.#they will be real. One Day.#also fyi this buying a house thing probably wont happen for: a long long while. its gonna take a bit to#even get close to that but its what we rly wanna do.
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#okay. so. the problem. with independent contract work?#is that. if everything is overwhelming. I can’t just. show up. do a job. and leave knowing I'll still be paid.#Nope. with this work? If I can’t make any money because I’m paralysed by being overwhelmed? Welp that’s All My Fault^TM#if I can’t make myself go find the clients and ask them very nicely for money?? then I get nothing!!#and that ~*must*~ mean that I ~*~*do not want it badly enough*~*~ /s#look. with independent contractor work it takes a lot of extra work just for the *opportunity* to make money#whereas with my normal regular job (THAT MY BOSS STILL WANTS ME TO HAVE BY THE WAY) I can just. show up.#make sure I do enough. and go home knowing that I’ll still make enough money to at least afford my rent. even if I can’t give it 110%#But now I can't. & so. you know what I was doing this month?#I started it by *barely* being able to afford rent (which I would not have been able to do without the help of some very kind people)#(so HUGE shoutout to the people who helped me out! in these quiet tags)#& then I nearly ran out of groceries. I’ve been rationing everything I have in the house & going to the food bank#I even went on the local buy nothing group and basically begged for people’s expired food#and I’ve also had to try to figure out how to pass an insurance exam on 14 days worth of honestly *terrible* information#(and I SOMEHOW passed despite the course NOT EVEN COVERING certain information that was on the exam!!)#and when I passed the exam they sent me a contract that basically says ‘yay congrats now you have the right to work (by yourself) for us!#‘no guarantee you’ll be paid tho! if you want money you’re gonna have to fucking EARN it yourself bitch! good luck!’#and I got a tutoring job that’s basically the same idea. the contract is like ‘congratulations you can now use our resources!#But if you don’t put in extra work (that you won’t be compensated for) looking for people to ask for money then you can’t have any!’#Like. I'm sorry. I used up all my ‘begging people for resources’ energy asking for people’s expired groceries#and I feel like maybe half of people only gave me groceries because they think I’m from Ukraine#which makes me feel a SPECIAL KIND OF WRETCHED (like I’m stealing groceries from people who need them more!!)#I’ve spent this whole month hungry lonely overwhelmed and just generally terrified#I have to constantly fight SO hard not to lay down on the floor and just give up#the only thing I feel motivated to do is draw art because at least that’s making me feel connected to others & like what I do matters#I did finish my goals for the day and that’s good. so I don’t want to say I feel guilty for making art. because I don’t!!#But there's a pretty loud voice in my head that's saying 'well if you have energy to make art. you should have energy to go get clients!'#You know what little voice in my head? you can FUCK RIGHT OFF because making art is very low effort comparatively#you know what's *not* low-effort? working really hard for the *potential* to earn & then not being guaranteed it'll even get you anywhere#& moving into the last two weeks of a month. where you have loan payments & rent due soon & no money. & no energy to go earn it.
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what's the point of taxes if it's not going to like help people
#'what if people take advantage of it' ok so what#.txt#idk I'm tipsy and sad about the ky Medicaid trans stuff lol I literally just moved here and got on Medicaid rip. I was like damn maybe#I'll b able to afford it now :D lol guess nawt :I
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in other news I might just be crazy enough to get a tattoo of 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. I never thought I'd be brave enough to tattoo a quote, because yk humans fuck up sometimes and it's like will I still like this person later in life?
I really think there's no turning back anymore, though, I think I'm in this ride for life so I might as well add this to the possible future tattoo pile
#granted it will take a while for me to be able to afford a tattoo#BUT#if I ever do I already have two meaningful things I want to get#let's see if I change my mind about this lol#tagging this for the fandometrics#phan#personal#amanda yaps#I think what changed my mind is truly no matter what Dan the person does in his life this sentence will always mean so much to me#it kinda changed my life as per my yapping post#so I'll forever be grateful for his words either way yk
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guess who got fucking rejected by the trans clinic for the second time 🥰
#I love trans healthcare#fuck this shitass country#like I paid 40 euro for a train trip early in the morning to get asked weird questions and to get told I'm too fat for any fucking treatmen#like wow at least it's a different reason than before#a fucking bmi decided my fate#that was the only thing that mattered in the one and a half hours of conversation#just that fucking number#I mean idk what I should expect we used to require trans people to have confirmation of sterility for legal gender change a few years ago#but fucking hell#I'm incredibly pissed#welfare state my ass#I tried to convince myself I didn't want bottom surgery before because I knew this could happen#and I know I'll probably never be able to afford that outside of the official channels#yay yippee#death to finland#fuck the world#idk#bad post sorry gamers
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