#another 2000’s show with a shitty camera

[idknotgonnapost]

when he says he wants a babe in the passenger seat but the only mf that’s ever in that chair is mac

[365days365movies]

May 1, 2021: The Prestige (2006) (Recap: Part One)

What’s that old Arthur C. Clarke quote again?

Not that one, although that’s...that’s fantastic, and I need to know more context to that conversation. But no, no, not that. The other one.

Not that one, although that’s...horrifying. Let me explain something first, then. Clarke was the author of the classic science-fiction novel 2001: A Space Odyssey, which definitely didn’t go on to become one of the most widely regarded films of all time. Anyway, he was a big-shot in science fiction, and was even knighted for his prominence in pop culture in the UK and across the world.

Fellow famous sci-fi author Isaac Asimov is well known for three rules of robotics, but Clarke has three rules of his own. A futurist, his laws describe conjecture about scientific development in the future of out societies. Those laws are:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Magic, huh?

God, I love Weird Al. Anyway, as a child of the ‘90s, I am well-acquainted with the boom of stage magicians that appeared during that time, and during the early 2000s. David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, David Blaine coughed up a live frog, Criss Angel freaked minds; lot of stuff back then.

And yet, despite other recent magicians like Penn and Teller or Dynamo, the greatest age of stage magic isn’t even CLOSE to the 90′s. No, no, to really see magic in its heyday, we need to go back to the late 1800s and early 1900s, to the days of the stage illusionist. 

Obviously, the first person that comes to mind is Harry Houdini, a man whose feats have lasted the test of time, and may have led to his death. Not only did he get buried alive, not only did he escape from a straitjacket in chains underwater, NOT ONLY did he hold his breath inside a water-filled milk can inside of a wooden chest repeatedly for FOUR YEARS, but he was also the greatest enemy of spiritualists and mediums everywhere!

Yeah, despite being a stage magician, Houdini was OBSESSED with exposing those who claimed to be actually supernatural. After all, as a showman, he was interesting in exposing tricks that were meant to defraud the innocent public. Dude was awesome, is what I’m saying. He died from a burst appendix, which miiiiight have been caused by a student who punched him in the stomach after asking if he was actually resistant to abdominal damage. Yeah, not a great death. And he wasn’t the only illusionist to die of tragic circumstances, but that’s a discussion for another day. Because of this is sci-fi month...why am I talking about magic? Well...imagine a lighter.

Now image that you went back 5,000 years, to any civilization, and showed them a lighter. The ability to create fire with seemingly nothing but your bare hands? You’re basically a wizard! Fire from no visible fuel? TEACH ME YOUR WAYS, O SORCERER OF THE FLAME!!! And that’s just a goddamn lighter. 

What about a light bulb? Light from energy you’ve harnessed from metals and from the air itself? Jujube! A camera? With the ability to capture a moment in time in the form of a tangible image? WITCHCRAFT!!! A smartphone? A FUCKING SMARTPHONE???

And so, in celebration of the blurring of magic and science...why not start this month with an unconventional form of science fiction, huh? Something that blurs magic and science in a way that’s indistinguishable. And so, I can FINALLY watch a movie that I’ve wanted to watch for YEARS!

I am so excited, and this is a hell of a way to kick off the month! Why this? Well, I’ll explain that later. But for now...LET’S DO THIS.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

Recap (1/2)

There are three acts of magic.

First is “the pledge”, where the magician shows something normal. Then, there’s “the turn”, which is when the ordinary becomes extraordinary. And finally, there’s the act of bringing the show full-circle; bringing back a disappeared object, in a new way and with a new technique. That final act, the showmanship, the establishment of the mystery, is called “the prestige”.

So is told to us by John Cutter (Michael Caine), keeper of canaries and stage engineer to magicians, via narration abut magic. Intercut with that narration, and with a disappearing canary trick, is the presentation of an act being performed by Robert Angier (Hugh Jackman). In it, he turns on a machine using electricity, with lightning bolts flying freely. He steps inside of it, and disappears.

Meanwhile, coming from the audience, a man pretends to be part of the act, and goes backstage and underneath the machine. There, he witnesses Angier fall through a trap door into a water tank, unable to get out, panicking and drowning. Which is just super fun to watch, lemme tell you! And that is where the story starts.

The man from the audience was Alfred Borden (Christian Bale), who is quickly put on trial for the murder of Angier. A rival of his during the 1890s and early 1900s, Borden is sent to jail, and sent to death by hanging. This is as his young daughter watches on. In court, Alfred testifies against Bruce Wayne on how he murdered Wolverine, because this is all I could think of the entire time. Anyway, the court asks for more details on the trick that killed Angier, called “the Transported Man”. He refuses to divulge it publicly, but agrees to tell it to one of the judges in secret.

In prison, Borden’s visited by a representative of a wealthy collector of items, Lord Caldlow. He asks if he will sell him his most prominent trick, the “Transported Man”. But Borden also refuses, as it’s HIS trick. Still, in response, the man gives Borden a journal of Angier’s’, and asks him to think about selling the secret. And from there: flashback!

Angier is on a train, heading to Colorado Springs, where he’s surprised to see that the whole town has electricity. His plan is to go up the mountain, which is closed for scientific experimentation. Which isn’t ominous at all! That completely banal revelation is followed by a walk up the mountain in the fog, past a fence that says no trespassing and LITERAL WARNING SIGNS.

There, he’s greeted by Alley (Andy Serkis), the assistant of the estate’s owner. Apparently, said owner made a machine for Borden, and Angier wants to learn the secrets. Another flashback, and we learn that Borden and Angier, rival magicians now, met a long time ago at the show of another magician, both volunteering to tie up the female assistant, Julia (Piper Perabo). Which would be creepy out of context, and then is creepy IN context when Angier kisses her thigh. Ew.

Anyway, they drop her into a tank, with a pretty stereotypical trick. After the show, we also learn that these two men are actually working for the magician, Milton (Ricky Jay), which makes that thigh kiss less creepy. Talking to Cutter and Julia, Borden mocks Milton’s trick, noting that the old magician won’t even try something like a bullet catch. Cutter mocks this idea, and asks if Borden has any better ideas. It’s around this time that Cutter suggests seeing Chung Ling Soo. Huh. I won’t say anything about that until later.

Or right now! And, uh...oh shit, this is extraordinarily awkward. Here’s the thing: this is NOT Chung Ling Soo. I know this for two reasons. One, Soo didn’t really pretend to be crippled, as Borden and Angier suggest. Wasn’t really his bag. But something that IS interesting about the guy is how he died! BULLET CATCH TRICK!! Yup! He tried the bullet catch trick, and he died when the bullet actually fired at him! Yeah, awkward.

And you know what else is awkward, and really different from this story? Chung Ling Soo was...not Chinese. Even a little bit. His real name was William Ellsworth Robinson, he married his assistant, cheated on her with another assistant, never divorced and still married his new assistant illegally, etc. He was an interesting guy. Ignoring, y’know, the whole disgustingly shitty yellow-face thing. Different times, unfortunately.

Borden’s frustration with an act he considers boring and obsolete erupts during one of Milton’s shows, where we see him KILL A BIRD, FUCK ME MAN. Yeah, I get it, Borden, this is terrible! This coincides with meeting a young woman and her nephew, who is also upset to see a bird die in front of him. The woman is Sarah (Rebecca Hall), and the two start a romance. Meanwhile, the romance between Angier and Julia is a straight-up marriage, making that thigh kiss fare more understandable. And, the two are about to have a baby, to both of their delight! Nothing bad will happen now!

We flash forward to the future, where Cutter is showing the judge what’s what with the device. He claims that a wizard built it, and that the machine can actually do what magicians have only pretended to do for years. They also look at a tank, and Cutter reveals that the tank has a terrible history, especially for the two magicians.

Flashback again, to a night of yet another show. That night, Milton and the group go through with their trick, as per usual. However, Borden decides to make it a little tougher and more exciting by tying a different knot this time. And unfortunately...Julia can’t untie it. They try to get her out in time, but alas...it’s too late.

Julia dies, and Angier blames Borden, who isn’t even entirely sure if he tied the knot that killed Julia...allegedly. Not a big fan of Borden right now. The act is over, and Borden decides to split off and do his own act, calling himself “the Professor”. Now having a child of his own with Sarah, he decides to do a bullet trick, with the help of new stage engineer, Fallon. But this is a tricky trick to perform. And the understandable mental breakdown of Angier causes its own problems.

See, during one of Borden’s shows (which is going TERRIBLY), a disguised Angiers shows up and loads a REAL bullet into the gun for the trick, and BLOWS OFF TWO OF HIS FINGERS FUCK ME!!! Borden’s not exactly happy about this, but he recovers quickly. Shortly after, Cutter finds Angier at a bar, and offers him the opportunity to make a new show of his own. Reluctantly, he accepts, and takes up the moniker “the Great Danton”, a name that his late wife suggested.

With a new bird/cage trick, one that lets the bird LIVE (THANK YOU), they’re almost set. But they also add a new assistant, in the form of...Black Widow. I mean, sorry, Olivia Wenscombe (Scarlett Johansson). Yeah, um...Wolver, Alfred Pennyworth, and Black Widow are working together in competition against Batman. Also, Gollum is in the movie, too. God, what’s next, David Bowie?

Anyway, the show is on once again, and Angier asks for some volunteers in the audience. But, uh oh! One of them is Borden in disguise, and he sabotages the trick in front of EVERYBODY, breaking an audience member’s fingers, and killing the bird, completely fucking up Angier’s career, in revenge for his fingers. Oh, also, MOTHERFUCKER YOU KILLED HIS WIFE (maybe)!!! Doesn’t justify Angier shooting off your fingers, but you could’ve just let bygones be! No wonder you’re rivals in the future! Batman’s a dick (which, given Christian Bale, isn’t that surprising).

Well, since his trick, Angier’s fucked. They’re kicked out of the theater, and in need of a new act. Cutter suggests that Angier goes to the upcoming science exposition for ideas. And yes...that’s where the science fiction angle starts in. See, like Clarke said, any science that’s sophisticated enough LOOKS like magic to audiences who don’t understand it. And Borden has the same idea, as he also heads to the expo. 

It’s there that a presentation of a massive electrical generator is being held, with the machine having been invented by...Nicola Tesla! YO!

I don’t think I need to tell anybody about Tesla at this point, but he was a brilliant physicist and inventor from the early 1900s. His legendary Current War with Thomas Alva Edison for the current to be used by the United States (Tesla’s DC vs. Edison’s AC) is the stuff of science legend...and is a conflict that the far less charismatic Tesla lost. Still, his mastery of electricity (such as the above Tesla coil) is remembered today. If you want to go sightseeing, check out New York! In Niagara Falls, he’s got a massive statue overlooking the falls; and in Bryant Park in NYC, you can sit on the bench where he fed his beloved pigeons. Yeah, he loved pigeons, which I respect.

Anyway, the expo’s shut down due to presumed danger of the exhibit, possibly spurred on by Thomas Edison and his PR team. Which is pretty accurate, not gonna lie. Still, the experiment interests both Angier and Borden. Still, Angier doesn’t do much with this information. Right now, anyway.

Flash forward to Angier in Colorado Springs, and a group of men from Edison’s employ are there for some reason. But undeterred, Angier heads back to Tesla’s lab, where Alley shows him a gorgeous sight: lightbulbs dotting a field, making a gorgeous grid of light. He reveals that the source of the electricity is 15 miles away, as a testament to Tesla’s scientific genius. Stellar.

A great place to pause. See you in Part Two of this Recap!

[dorizardthewizard]

Galactik Football: Season 1

I completely forgot that I wrote a load of ramble as I rewatched GF during  lockdown, so uh here’s a sort of review for season 1!

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First of all, the concept and setting is just so unique and wild I mean, football in space against aliens but with magical powers too? Epic. Superpowers are pretty common in sports cartoons and anime but here there’s actually an explanation for them, and they have significance for the world of the show. The concept of the flux sets up for an entire sub-plot of wars with weapons of mass destruction, corrupt mega-corporations ruling the galaxy, space pirates… the world feels very lived in, and makes you want to know more about the goings-on outside of the football games.

The pirate business doesn’t overshadow the Snow Kids though, because their personal drama and journey to becoming a better team together is interesting enough. Basically, this is a space opera with football sprinkled in. For such a big cast, most get good development and there’s no clear main character. This leads into me rambling about each character, because I never really appreciated the diversity of arcs when I first watched it as a kid :’P

Rocket:

He starts out pretty timid, doesn’t fight for his dreams, and has a habit of running away from confrontation (like when the others found out he was Aarch’s nephew) that follows him into season 2. He’s stuck tending to flowers (ironic, since he himself isn’t allowed to grow and bloom), but by the end of the season, he’s more authoritative and confident enough to suggest strategies to the team. Also has a habit of hiding his feelings and underestimating his importance to others, which he works on in season 2.

Tia:

You’d expect her to be more calm and similar to Rocket, and sure they bond over being out of the inner circle of the Snow Kids, and also both having emotionally unavailable parents, but she’s actually far more headstrong than she seems. I mean, she was willing to do anything to be in Aarch’s team, even faking her parents’ consent and almost dying when her ship crashed! (Plus that scene where she uses the breath is epic, that music? Chef’s kiss) She’s not perfect though – she’s very empathetic (like when they arrived on the Ryker’s planet and she was the most upset by the conditions there), and relates to Rocket, so she wants to give him the happy family she didn’t have, by reuniting him with his mother. Although well-intentioned, it’s preeetty invasive, and though it turned out okay in the end, she really should have consulted with Rocket first, especially after finding out his mother wasn’t dead, but had left them. For all Tia knew, she could have been a really shitty person.

D’jok:

Very clear ego problems :P He doesn’t know his past and doesn’t have much of a future on Akillian, so he pushes himself to achieve some great destiny, then feels like everyone else isn’t on the same level as him if they don’t do the same. He gets more than he bargained for when it turns out that Sonny Blackbones is his dad, and he realises what’s really important to him in the final match. Namely, he realises that the reason he found it so difficult to sabotage the match isn’t because he wanted to win at all costs, but because he doesn’t want to betray his team – he wants to win together with them.

Althooough, I was never entirely sure about him scoring the penalty before knowing Sonny was safe, like sure he didn’t know Sonny that well yet so maybe felt closer to the SK but dude, you just sentenced a man to death. I think the life-and-death situation by itself was enough to get him to rethink his priorities. Maybe they could have made him more aware that the whole galaxy was at stake if he lost the match, but that motive for scoring the penalty isn’t as satisfying for his arc I guess.

Micro-Ice:

To this day, I have no idea why he was named that :’P He’s the first Snow Kid we meet, which makes for a fun start to the show since he’s such a smart-ass and a joker that keeps getting in trouble. He could have easily been nothing but comic relief, but he isn’t. He’s actually pretty pessimistic and doubtful about his skills, and covers it up with jokes and fake confidence. He didn’t even want to go to the try-outs, to avoid disappointment if he didn’t get chosen.

The self-confidence issue keeps building up with things like being put as substitute initially, being the last person to get the Breath, and D’jok and Mei getting together, finally driving him to run off with the pirates thinking he isn’t really needed on the team. He also lets jealousy get the better of him, souring his friendship with D’jok and forgetting that Mei is free to choose whoever she likes. He eventually realises he’s wrong though, and comes back. I also love his friendship with Artie :’D

Mei:

She starts out ambitious, which in itself isn’t a bad thing, but she’s willing to throw others under the bus for personal gains. Then you start to see it’s because of her mother’s influence – always pushing her to do better. When Mei starts to actually have feelings for D’jok, she starts to care about him and regrets breaking up his friendship with Micro-Ice. Eventually, she manages to stand up to her mum and is happy playing the position she’s best at.

The execution cooould be a little better because at times it leaned a bit into the “overambitious woman who needs to be put in her place” trope. It only really comes down to little details, like why did Aarch refuse to let her try out as an attacker when he was forming the team? Back then he had no idea who she was or what her skills were?? He didn’t even want to consider the idea later when Micro-Ice left, which felt more like an emotional reaction than a tactical one. But anyway, it’s alright overall and I love that she got to score the winning goal despite not being an attacker.

Thran and Ahito:

Having a narcoleptic goalkeeper is just genius, and makes for some fun last-minute saves. Also love how despite being asleep half the time, Ahito’s the one that knows what’s up :’P Thran is also really underrated but there’s more to talk about with these two in season 2.

Also wanted to throw in some appreciation for how the older characters are written – usually the adults in kids shows are more on the side-lines, but in Galactik Football, they’re also pretty flawed and interesting. For example, Aarch isn’t the perfect, wise mentor – whether he did it for glory, to escape bad memories or a combination of both, he still left his brother and planet behind when they needed him most, and now he’s trying to make up for it. Norata’s not perfect either – he denies Rocket his dreams partly to protect him, but also out of bitterness towards Aarch and fear of being left alone again. Also, there’s a variety of different families being represented in the show – single parents, adopted parents, rich, not so rich, neglectful, supportive, ambitious, non-existent… and with some of them, this plays a key role in the Snow Kids’ characters.

The show might not be the most technically amazing, okay, the 2D animation is not the best, but the designs are pretty diverse and I miss that 2000’s style with the outfits :’P There are lots of locations with pretty backgrounds, and very varied planets that reflect the people living there. I also like the comfortable sci-fi design – it’s futuristic-looking enough, but more colourful than some of the CGI bores we get in movies these days.

The 3D animation is better – they reuse motions a lot but at least they shake it up a bit by using different characters and camera angles. Speaking of camera angles, there’s some really interesting ones and camera movements that really make the matches dynamic. Honestly, having CGI in the 2000’s that doesn’t look super ugly and dated now is great, partly because they transferred their designs to 3D really well and partly because they didn’t try to do much rendering on the models.

ALSO THE SOUNDTRACK SLAPS THEY DID NOT HAVE TO GO THAT HARD ON THE OPENING THEME AND THE SCORE SOUNDS SO EPIC ALL THE TIME

I don’t know how to end this so if you actually got this far, I’ll just say season 1 was the best one for me! There’s some parts and characters I left out but that’s for another time. Sinedd and D’jok’s rivalry deserves its own post :’P

[brelione]

The Surfer And The Siren

Chapter Two:The Blondes,The Dog and The Girl in the Woods.

Chapter One

@kelsiejayy​ designed this mood board :) 

“Why is it always the blondes?”Richard asked.You shrugged,folding the snack bag closed. “They remind me of him.”You answered.Richard just nodded,pulling the strings of the bag tight. “Will you tell him stories about me when im gone?”Richard asked.You pouted. “You’ve still got a few more years,Rich.”You mumbled.He just chuckled. “Lets get going,weve got thirteen hours to go.”he locked the door as you walked out.You two got into his older car,driving down the bumpy roads to his house.You ran up the small grassy hill and up to the front porch,kneeling to pet Blue on his stomach.You then ran inside,jumping onto the couch and holding your favorite pillow to your chest.Richard let the dog in,going into the kitchen to show you that he had already set out your favorite cookies.ayou ate seven before you ran into the backyard to see how much taller the sunflowers had grown since the last time you had been over to the house.You rolled in the grass,lifting yourself into a tree and giggling loudly.

It felt like it had been a long time since you had even touched a tree.Probably because it had been.Richard placed his phone on the outdoor table,allowing your favorite songs to play.There was some Queen,some Disney,some instrumental and some early 2000’s music.You got down from the tree,telling him you were going to take Blue for a walk.Richard nodded,standing up.He wasnt as fast or energetic as he had been 60 years ago.He couldnt give you piggy back rides anymore or play soccer in the middle of the woods.It didnt really matter though.He was still good old Richard with his shitty jokes and his big grey hound.You grabbed Blue’s leash,clipping it to his collar.RIchard shouted to you to let you know that you could go without him.You ran down the street,racing the large dog all the way to figure eight.You ended up on the beach behind the kook mansions.You had watched as they had been built all those years ago,wondering what kind of rich straight white dudes were going to move in there.

You were unaware of the camera watching you from a tall tree,oblivious to the notification that was sent to Rafe Cameron’s phone.Blue leaned against you,laying down at your feet.You sat indian style,allowing the dog to rest in your lap. “Are you a handsome baby?”You grinned,tapping the dogs nose.He sneezed,moving upwards to look your chin.Rafe came up behind you,his eyes focusing on your hair.He hadnt been prepared or even thought about what he was going to say.He just didnt want to miss you. “Hello?”You called out,feeling someone looking at you.He inhaled sharply and his fists clenched. “Sorry,sorry-I didnt mean to scare you.”He spoke awkwardly.Blue sat up,staring him down and growling.You looked over your shoulder,grip tightening on Blue’s leash.That wasnt Ward.Ward was a normal person,he aged.You had watched him age. “Ward?”You asked,not calling off Blue.Rafe shook his head,not being able to form words.You dragged your fingers along the back of Blue’s neck to calm him.The dog leaned into your touch,slumping against you. 

“Um...Im Rafe-Rafe Cameron.My dad’s name is Ward,though.”He answered.You nodded,standing up and brushing the sand off of your clothing.He looked just like Ward when he was in his early twenties.Ward had always been a bit of the sketchy type but never too bad.He wore his long sleeve shirts rolled up to his elbows,socks and sandals and always had some sort of fancy watch clinging to his wrist.You had been to the Cameron’s dock countless times just to check if Ward Cameron was still alive and walking.You wrapped Blue’s leash around your wrist so he wouldnt go too far. “I like your hair.”He spoke,pointing to the blue curly mess.Your eyebrows fell over your eyes,Blue sensed the tension and licked your fingertips.He glanced up at the tree where the camera was hidden before looking back up at you. “Okay.”You mumbled,not wanting to continue the conversation.He didnt have good intentions.It felt like you were talking to Ward,In fact,you could remember Ward telling you the same thing.Rafe sucked in a big breath,looking down at Blue and trying to ease his mind.

 “Is this your dog?”He asked,gesturing towards the greyhound.You gulped,glancing around the beach for other people. “Friend’s dog.”You answered,your voice hitting him like a wave.He stumbled a bit,deciding to just sit down.His legs couldnt hold his weight and it seemed like his head was full of wet cotton.He felt exhausted and not just from running down the road.He nodded,hands in his lap. “I will see you around,Rafe Cameron.”You spoke softly,allowing the power to sink into the air.It was probably enough to enchant the boys inside houses across the whole neighborhood and more than enough to cause Rafe to fall forward with his eyes closed.You grinned,biting down on your lip and holding back a chuckle.Men were just too easy.You jogged back up the sand and to the street,seeing a boy asleep on his lawn.It only made your smile widen as you ran back to the cut,Blue panting as he sprinted with you.When you got to the cut you were a sweating and panting mess,laughing at the feeling of pain in your kneecaps.

You kept running,savoring the sore feeling at your ankles and heels as your feet smacked the cement.When you got back to Richard’s Blue had dragged himself up the stairs tiredly to drink some water.You went inside the house,leaving the door open for Blue and laying down on the couch.Your cheeks were flushed,your skin damp from sweat. “Did you have a good run?”Richard asked.You nodded,sitting up. “I didnt know that Ward Cameron had a son.”You frowned,pushing the blue hair from your face.Richard gulped,sitting down in his reclining chair. “You saw Ward Cameron?”He asked nervously.You shook your head. “Just his son.Strange looking boy...kind of like Ward with moist hair.I didnt tell him my name,just Blue’s.He’s asleep on the beach as of right now.”You explained.He nodded,opening a bag of skittles.You giggled. “God,do you remember back in 82’ when those things first got to the store?”You asked.He nodded. “How could I forget?I was trying to get you a bag but the buggers were sold out.The rich boys were mixing them with vodka and throwing up on the streets.”He let out a wheeze like laugh.You grinned at the memory,holding your pillow to your stomach.

 “The boy...JJ.Do you know him well?”You asked.Richard raised his eyebrows,shaking his head as he poured skittles into his palm.You sighed,leaning back. “He looks like him...I saw them while I was out today.JJ and Pope,I mean.They were with another boy and a girl.The other one….I forget what he’s called.He looks like an Adam,though.He’s very terrible at surfing,I had to rescue him during a storm.And the girl...she was diving near the caves to clean up trash that had sunk.I feel drawn to them like im supposed to be part of their group.It was that feeling I had when I saw you on the beach on the night we met...I knew it would lead to something good.”You tried your best to explain your feelings.He nodded,reclining in the chair and stretching out his sore legs. “I understand,(Y/N).But I dont know enough about these kids to let you go around them.Im not trying to control you,Im just concerned for your safety.You’ve seen it all before where your kind gets involved with the wrong human folk and winds up dead or trapped in a tank.You cant let that happen,I cant let that happen.I’ll learn as much as I can about them,okay?”He asked.

You sighed,watching as Blue slowly walked in and sat by the door. “I wouldve felt if he had bad intentions or anger,he didnt.When I was out for my swim they tried to find me again to make sure that i was okay.If they were bad they wouldnt have done that.”You mumbled.He nodded. “But they didnt know who you are and what you are.Maybe if they had they would act differently but I dont exactly want to find out.Let me learn about them first,alright?”He asked.You nodded as he turned on his television. “Netflix has new films this month,why dont you flip through them until you find something you’d like to watch?”He offered,leaning forward and handing you the warm black controller.You grinned,biting your bottom lip as you watched the preview for H2o Just Add Water. “Hey-hey Richard.”You laughed.He looked up at the television,holding back a laugh as his nostrils flared. “No-nope.”He shook his head.You laughed,looking through the episode titles before snorting. “Siren effect!”You giggled.He sighed,pinching the bridge of his nose. “If that is what you want to watch than go for it.”He grinned.

You shook your head,going back to the home page.You settled on a show called I Am Not Okay With THis.You werent really paying attention because you were too busy thinking about all the things you wanted to do in such little time. “It really sucks that we cant go into the woods like we used too.”You sighed.Richard frowned,nodding in understanding. “You know that its not safe for you out there alone.”He reminded you.It was dangerous for anyone to go out at night especially young girls.The Cut had some pretty dangerous places that became even more dangerous at night. “Do you think I could go if Blue came with me?”You asked.Blue’s ears perked up at his name,his mouth falling open in a dog smile.Richard nodded hesitantly. “Alright.Dont go too far and stay away from the graveyard.”He leaned back in his seat.You grinned,standing up.You didnt bother with the leash,hopping down the front steps excitedly with Blue right behind you.You didnt think you’d ever get used to the smell of grass and the feeling of dirt between your toes.Your hair got caught in a few branches but you couldnt care less.

You could see the faint green glow of fire flies a few feet away. “Why do I always have to get the firewood?They’re perfectly capable but no,no of course theyre just too high to do basic things.”A feminine voice ranted to herself.There was no way of telling exactly how far away it was but you assumed it was pretty close when the fireflies dispersed.Blue barked softly,a growl coming from her throat. “Hello?”The voice called upon hearing the noise.You huffed,silently thanking the gods that you wouldnt have to speak to yet another boy. “Hello.”You replied,finally seeing the owner of the voice.Her dark hair was tied into a fancy french braided bun that probably took years of her childhood to master.Her skin was the color of werther’s chewy caramels.She wore a white and black hoodie that was large and a bit baggy on her small frame along with a pair of light shorts.You knew she probably couldnt make out your features in the dark.That was one of the advantages you were grateful for.You had always been able to see close to perfectly in the dark which definitely helped with your insecurities when you knew for a fact that others couldnt.

 “Why are you in the middle of the woods?”She asked.You held onto Blue’s collar so he wouldnt lunge at the pretty girl. “The dog needed to pee,what about you?”You asked.She giggled,playing with her fingers nervously as her legs got a tingly feeling. “Oh-um-firewood.What’s your dogs name?”She asked.You slowly let go of the collar.Blue walked forward eagerly to sniff at the girls shorts,hands and shoes. “Blue.”You answered.She kneeled down to pet the large dog as he sat down in front of her,licking a slimy streak on the side of her face. “And what’s your name?”She asked,directing the question towards you.You grinned upon realising that this was her.This had to be a sign. “(Y/N).”You answered,watching as her face fell and her mouth fell agape.You were the girl JJ spoke so fondly of.She could absolutely agree with him about your voice.She had never heard one quite like yours with that weird accent.

You could probably make some really incredible ASMR if you wanted too. “Do you….by any chance have blue hair?”She asked.You smiled to yourself. “That would be me.”You confirmed.She blushed,biting her lip. “Im Kiara.I think you know my friends,JJ and Pope.”She muttered.You hummed,swatting a mosquito away from your face. “I met them briefly.”You told her,snapping your fingers by your side to get Blue to come back to you.You rubbed the back of his left ear,seeing Kiara stand up straight again.The original blue was missing part of his left ear after getting into a fight with a rat the size of a puppy.That was definitely in the top ten scariest moments of your life.You and Richard had been inside the house baking a cinnamon peach cake for his mother when she came home from a long day of work.You had started to smash up butter in a large bowl that you had actually made for them when you heard a mix of screams,hisses and whimpers coming from the backyard.

He had grabbed the broom,ready to break up a fight between two young children.You had both ran outside,screaming in shock at the sight in front of you.Blue had been shaking his head back and forth,trying to get the rat of of him.You had to tackle the poor dog,ripping the rat off and practically suffocating it.Richard had ran inside to grab one of his old dirty shirts,running it under the cool faucet water before running back outside and holding it to Blue’s damaged flesh.You had thrown the rat down the hill as adrenaline coursed through your veins.He had gotten the bleeding to stop,the red liquid had stained the already dying grass.You used your bandana to hold his ear down and bandaged.That had happened only a few months before you had lost your ring and became pretty much completely confined to the ocean.Since then Richard had tried his best to keep everything the same.When the first Blue died he was quick to find a similar looking grey hound from an animal shelter.He’d created a raft out of branches and grape vines and fitted sheets so he could float out to your cave.He put newspaper into plastic wrap so you could keep up with things going on in the land.He didnt go anywhere outside of North Carolina without telling you first.Pretty much his whole life revolved around you.

“Cool,cool.So are you visiting from somewhere?”She asked.You had gotten used to that question. “No,actually.I kind of just stay under the radar,you know?”You asked.She nodded. “So are you a kook or a pogue?”She asked.You shrugged,scratching your nose. “Um...I’d say its complicated.”You answered.She hummed. “Yeah,I get that.So where do you live?”She asked. “Between friends,I suppose.I should probably get this handsome baby home before he falls asleep.It was great meeting you though.”You grinned.She nodded. “Ill see you around,(Y/N).”She smiled.You walked back through the woods the same way you had came,eventually coming back out outside of Richard’s house.

You went through the back door,the dim kitchen light making you realize the scratches on your ankles.It brought a smile to your face.You felt like a normal teen girl for the time being and you knew you only had so long. “(Y/N)?Are you back?”Richard called from the living room. “Yep!”You shouted back before heading to the bathroom.You looked in the mirror,smiling at how dry your hair was.It was dry and hanging at your shoulders,not flowing in the water or getting pushed into your face by currents.The small slits behind your ear were covered with skin and you could move your feet in circles.You werent sure which part of your life you preferred.You turned on the faucet,staring at the water that flowed out of it.You turned it off,looking back up at the mirror angrily.Your sisters never had to deal with everything you had gone through.They were all dead anyways and only god knows how many others there were out there.Hell,there could be some walking around Outer Banks right now with their rings keeping them safe.The shit you would do to get your ring back was ridiculous.

At this point you might even kill for one. “Are you okay in there?”Richard shouted.You flicked the light off,coming out of the bathroom with your hand sin the pockets of your jeans. “Rich,I just met the girl.”You told him,standing in the doorway of the living room.He say up straight,placing his bag of skittles down. “What girl?”He asked.You sighed,sitting back down on the couch indian style. “The girl.The girl from the group I saw earlier today.Ive encountered all of them now,that cannot be a coincidence!”You exclaimed.He shrugged. “Well,lets not jump to conclusions now.You say the Maybank boy looks a lot like him,yeah?”He asked.You nodded. “Well then maybe he’s related to the fella.You still have your old photo albums in the caves?The ones I laminated for you?”He asked.You nodded,waiting for him to continue. “This might be jumping to conclusions but what if Jesse is related to him?”He asked.

You sighed,shaking your head. “No,no he never had any kids.”You answered.He grinned. “Yeah,he didnt.But that doesnt mean his older sister didnt.Linda,I think.Wasnt it something like that?”He asked.You gulped. “Linden.She died in 55’ though.I dont know if she ever had kids.How would we find that out?”You asked.His eyebrows knit together,the bags under his eyes seeming darker. “We have google now.Hand me my phone,please.”He requested.You grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter,looking at his screensaver.It was a picture of a sunset taken awfully close to your cave system.You remembered that sunset in particular because of how bright the pink and purple hues had been.You didnt remember him taking the photo though.You tossed it to him,the strange object falling into his lap. “Hey siri.”He spoke to his phone.A ding came from the device. “Show me all information on Linden Silslip.”He requested.A few articles came up so he handed the phone back to you for you to scroll through.It wasnt until you got to the very bottom that you found an article about “The Sea Monster of OBX” with and interview from Linden.You looked through the article,pressing down on Linden’s name.A whole page of information came up.You couldnt believe what you were seeing.

Comment a smiley face if youd like to be added to the tag list

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[candyshua]

Intertwined | Chapter Two - It’s Never Too Late

Kim Mingyu was your best friend, your knight in shining armor, your crush, your everything. But sadly, you were not his.

After getting his girlfriend pregnant in his fourth year of college, the two of them moved away to America after graduation. And then, you were all alone.

Meet Yoon Jeonghan, your current best friend. An aspiring video game designer, he has been your rock for 5 years. He helped you through so much drama. You would be surprised to learn that he was madly in love with you.

What happens when Mingyu comes back to Korea?

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Potential Smut (I haven’t decided yet)

Word Count: 2,042

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, foul language, and mentions of sex

You had always been the life of the party. When you were a teenager, you’d show up at every party with a happy attitude. Mingyu was the sober one, most of the time, but he never had any desire to drink underage anyway.

But as you got older, and graduated college, your desire to drink and party just went down.

Maybe it was because you didn’t have Mingyu there to protect you anymore.

-

Being a full functioning adult was hard. It’s especially hard when you hate your job and you’re unhappy with everything that has happened so far in your life.

Or, you were just unhappy with the way things turned out.

-

Soon, Monday rolled around and you were forced to go back into the world of the living. You had stayed at Jeonghan’s place for the rest of the weekend, mainly because you hated your apartment. You also happened to enjoy Jeonghan’s company.

You remembered the time where you and Mingyu were at a party one night, in your second year of college. There, you had stayed over in his fraternity house since you didn’t want to walk home alone at night, and Mingyu was too drunk to drive you home.

Yes, this time Mingyu was the drunk one. It was an odd sensation, being the caregiver. The healer. The one in control.

So, you set him down in his bed and pulled out a spare blanket from his closet and lied on the floor. You turned the light out, but then you heard the click that signified the lamp was back on and light soon forced your eyes open.

“What?” You grumbled, rubbing your eyes.

“Y/N...I’m bored…” Mingyu slurred, and you just scoffed. During that moment, he looked absolutely adorable. You never understood how people were intimidated by this gentle giant. All he did was love and appreciate, he would never hurt anyone.

“Okay.” You stated, teasing him. You tried to hide your smile, but it was to no avail.

“Come lie down with me.” Mingyu ordered playfully, which caused you to widen your eyes drastically. What did he just say?

“Huh?” You whispered with a weak, timid voice.

“Please!” Mingyu whined, and you carefully got up and walked over to his bed. You lied down next to him, but kept your distance. You tried ignoring how hard and fast your heart was beating. You hoped Mingyu couldn’t hear it.

Mingyu then got comfortable in bed, closing his eyes and slowly falling into a deep sleep. After a few minutes of viewing his features, you felt overwhelmed with adoration for the boy.

“I’m in love with you,” You whispered, knowing he wouldn’t hear you. And even if he did, he wouldn’t remember it the next morning anyway.

You knew that Mingyu would never be yours. But you thought you were okay with that during that moment. One day you would get over him.

You really hoped that was the case.

-

Monday was a blur, but everyday seemed like that. A blur. A day filled with nothing but numbness and haziness. You also didn’t get the chance to even talk to Jeonghan, but that was okay. You two would be going on a trip to Jeju next weekend anyway.

When you arrived home, you made yourself a shitty microwave dinner while putting on some early 2000’s American pop music. It had to be quiet, of course, so your neighbors weren’t disturbed. You then started to reminisce on the time where you and Mingyu went away for a weekend during your last year of college. You were playing some American music at the time, and it was basically euphoria. That’s all you could really remember from the trip though, since you were obliterated for the rest of it.

You sighed, completely baffled on why everything you did reminded you of him. He hadn’t been in your life for over 5 years, and he won’t ever come back.

You wondered if he still had your number. Knowing Mingyu, he probably did. He just chose not to text or call you, or even send you a fucking letter saying “Hey, I’m alive”.

All you were left with were questions, and lots of them. It was like finishing a book mid-chapter, never knowing the full ending.

It’s just empty.

You knew Mingyu had to change his number, since he moved to a new country and everything. But he had your number memorized. Was it that hard to just call you? Maybe he couldn’t afford the international fee.

You needed a breath of fresh air. No, even better--you needed Jeonghan.

-

Jeonghan opened the door to his apartment with wide eyes. You usually always text him if you’re about to come over, but not this time.

“Dude, it’s Monday, what are you doing here?” Jeonghan asked, but you gave him no answer and just walked into his apartment. You then looked through his liquor cabinet, searching for anything that would make you feel something.

“Hey! Stop!” Jeonghan demanded, rushing over to you in your frantic state. You gave in immediately, knowing you didn’t stand a chance against Jeonghan’s strength. Instead, you just hugged him and cried. Why were you even freaking out?

Jeonghan hugged you back despite his state of confusion. He stroked your hair and hushed you, slowly making your tears dissipate. “What happened, Y/N?” Jeonghan murmured, a frown plastered onto his usually bright face.

“Jeonghan,” You sobbed, “what am I supposed to do? Why the hell do I feel so incomplete?”

In that moment, Jeonghan wanted nothing more but to kiss you. He wanted you to know that he loved you, and that it would all be okay because you had him.

Alas, Jeonghan knew it was inappropriate. Plus, he was certain the feelings weren’t reciprocated. You were still in love with Mingyu anyway.

You just didn’t want to admit it.

Despite all the boyfriends you had, they never ignited that spark of excitement within you. You never felt like you did around them like you did with Mingyu.

Jeonghan pulled away from your embrace so he could look you straight in the eye.

“Y/N.”

“Yes?”

“Why do you act as if you’re an 80 year old man who has no time to change things? You have more life left to live than the amount of life you have already lived. Get the fuck out there! Nothing except yourself is stopping you!”

Fuck. Jeonghan was always spot on. What would you do without him?

Instead of freaking out, you merely gave Jeonghan a kiss on the cheek and a quiet “thank you” before running out the door.

Jeonghan couldn’t ignore the quick pace his heart was going at. The moment your lips met his cheek, he felt his entire body heat up.

He was bathing in warmth. Even after you left, the ghost of your lips haunted his right cheek. He mindlessly stroked it, his heartbeat refusing to slow down.

Why did it have to be you? The emotionally unavailable woman. The “in love with another guy” woman.

Why did he have to be in love with you?

-

From the moment you got home, you had been sitting at the seat by your keyboard, staring at it aggressively.

Ever since the ripe age of five, you had always wanted to be a singer. And boy, you could sing. You started getting voice lessons at the age of six, and you loved it. You knew from then on out that nothing could ever stop you from chasing your dream.

Unless, you happened to lose your voice.

After already being signed by a very popular entertainment company, you were about two years from debut. That was until, one day, it hurt to sing.

You went to the doctor. To put it simply, your vocal chords were being overused. They needed a break from singing.

They also needed surgery.

So, you reluctantly got the surgery that temporarily impaired your singing voice, and prolonged your debut. You became a nuisance; an inconvenience.

Therefore, you were cut. No debut for you. Just a lot of hurt and regret.

It hurt like a bitch. No, not the vocal cords (although they did hurt), but the fact that your life would amount to a girl who never had the chance to follow her dreams. You had wasted six years of your life training vigorously, only to have it never pay off.

But Jeonghan was right.  You were underestimating yourself. You shouldn’t let everything waste away like this. It was too late for debut, sure, but why not make a Youtube channel?

You then cracked your knuckles, did some warm ups on your keyboard, and then went onto your phone. Since you couldn’t afford a high quality camera, you would just film yourself singing with it.

You let your fingers fall down on the weighted keys of the piano, feeling the coolness kiss your fingertips. You felt a memory with Mingyu pop up in your head, but you suppressed it. It was time to move on, just like he did.

-

You woke up the next morning to about 5 views. You were sure three of them came from you.

You didn’t really know how to do this whole “Youtube” thing. It was foreign, and kind of scary. You hoped you hadn’t embarrassed yourself. And you prayed to God that your coworkers wouldn’t find your channel.

After getting ready for work, you texted Jeonghan back after letting him know that you were okay, and that you stayed sober the entire night.

You went to work with a new attitude. You greeted your boss, Wonwoo, with splendor. Your friends and coworkers were surprised to see you actually smile. “You look nice while smiling,” Your younger friend, Chan, told you.

“Thanks,” You had said.

The day passed by relatively quickly. Yet, there was a certain sense of clarity to it, you felt as if you had woken from a 5 year long sleep. It felt good.

Really fucking good.

-

You had gone one whole day without thinking about Mingyu. It was kind of crazy, once you thought about it.

Maybe you were finally letting him go. It was a bittersweet sensation, letting the man you had loved for so many years go.

But, Mingyu was never going to come back. You had to deal with that. He had a wife and a kid. He probably had another kid on the way, for god’s sake. And then, it hit you.

You needed a boyfriend.

Or at least to go on a date; get laid. You had been through a few boyfriends previously. One was named Seungcheol, whom you had met through Jeonghan. He was a tall, muscular fellow. You broke up with him, because you just weren’t ready to let Mingyu go.

Next, there was Seungkwan, who was younger than you. He was a great boyfriend, and you had also met him through Jeonghan, but, yet again, you weren’t ready to let Mingyu go.

Lastly, your longest relationship was with Joshua Hong, you two were together for about a year. A little over that, actually.

He was a great boyfriend, and you two are actually still friends. You’re still friends with all of your exes, because they were such great people.

You and Joshua broke up because it became mutual that the spark was gone. You had both loved one another, but it was over.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward being friends with your exes. You had expected it to be, but they have all moved on just like you. Seungkwan even has a girlfriend now.

You hadn’t cried over the breakups as much as you expected you would’ve, mainly because none of them made you feel the way that Mingyu did.

Mingyu made you feel like love was new, and fresh. You never got bored with him, even if the two of you were sitting around and doing absolutely nothing.

Your biggest fear was that nobody else would make you feel like Mingyu made you feel. It was a scary thought.

The only person that made you feel alive after all these hazy years was Jeonghan. But, he would never look at you that way.

Or so you thought.

[attract-mode-collective]

"weLCUM to the motherfucking Queer matrixXx"

In part 1 of my recap of stuff tweeted during the later half of May, over at @AttractMode, I mentioned that one thing that kept me awfully busy… hence the backlog and two-part recap for Tumblr & Medium… was Death By Audio Arcade X Dreamhouse II.

The proper/full name of the soiree was Ova the Rainbow: DreamBoxXx, which is where most of these photos were taken, with a few from Death By Audio Arcade X Dreamhouse I; the photographer on the behalf of Gothamist was there for both opening & closing parties, to help add color to their story...

... BTW, the arcade will open one last time, this Friday (June 8th). Doors open at 7!

And as for the rest of last month... well... back to the subject of arcades for a sec; it’s a dream of many to have the full experience at home, though space is obviously the primary issue. Thankfully you (or your Lego minifigs to be exact) have options (via @ActionFigured)...

This Blast City shirt was designed on a CRT monitor, making it extra legit (no word if it was in TATE orientation tho; via theyetee.com)...

I basically know nothing about Avail, though appears to be a Target or H&M-like retail entity for Japan? Well recently they had a Gradius shirt for sale, but I missed my chance to save a copy of the PDF circular from which it made its seemingly sole appearance.

Hence why I had resort to blowing up this screencap (via miki800.com)...

There's actually a 2nd Gradius tee, and we thankfully have a far better look at it this time (via miki800.com)…

... I almost have to wonder if the 1st one was a mock-up or placeholder or something, cuz I seriously cannot find an image of it anywhere.

Few things get me as giddy as a nice 180 camera turn around with sprites (via segacity)...

And 3D turnarounds of polygonal characters are cool, provided that they’re watercolored (via typhlosionofficial)...

Same (via @BauceSauce)...

Sorry, but the sight of shelf after shelf, all bucking under the massive weight of countless carts & discs, is an eyesore IMHO. Instead, a modest pile of software with plenty of breathing room work best for me (via sixteen-bit)...

Such a beautifully personalized iPhone is essentially an iPhone for life (via miki800)...

A (video game) toy chest… a (video game) treasure chest… basically both? (via miki800)...

Remember hearing about Street Fighter 2 X Transformers? Well, they're finally here (via tfw2005.com)...

To be honest I have enough toys. Whereas I could always use more storage! Hence my interest in these SF2 USB sticks. But I can’t decide which World Warrior I want to see in such sad shape all the (via miki800.com)...

Time for another crossover, specifically Virtual On X bunny girls; a custom model kit of Angelan (via shop2000.com)...

A look at all the Tokyo Game Show poster girls since 2010 (via videogamesdensetsu)...

The first Famciase of 2018 to get my attention now has a fake ad to go with the fake game (via pepesalot)...

I'm 99.99% confident that this gaming set up/living quarters (via @miaumiauzmiau)...

... belongs to Polylina, aka Poririna, aka SEGA SATURN GAL (via this old post from a few years back)...

Note the similar pink curtains...

Who wears their Space Invaders shirt better? This guy (via shmups)…

Or this gal (via thesensualeye)...

The chairs for Space Invaders Frenzy has seen some serious shit (via oh-log-n)...

It’s a Space Invaders bathroom cuz why not (via it8bit)...

Nothing illustrates the harsh game making environment better than this one dev’s cardboard facade, underneath his desk, to emulate home (via videogamesdensetsu)...

Kitchen pantry cat’s prices are way better than bedroom closet cat’s (via @tatuya01)...

Memorial Day took place near the end of May, naturally, which meant another opportunity to repost my fave video starring the greatest soldier of the 20th century (via this other old post from years ago)...

Memorial Day weekend was also when I decided to post a bunch of YouTube vids; remember that one explaining why wiggling Sonic 3D Blast for the Genesis produces a level select? Did you also remember to subscribe to the channel? If so, you’d already know how Sonic R did transparencies on the Saturn...

Do you like Famiclones? Do you like Jackie Chan? Then you might like...

... I ended up going down a Jackie Chan rabbit hole, which resulted in a high-quality version of the infamous soundtrack to Hong Kong 97. Which in turn led to the discovery that the loop is actually a small portion of a full-length song entitled "I Love Beijing Tiananmen".

Sorry to ask everyone to click out, but I have a limit on how many videos I can embed in a single post and all.

Come to see what NES game Bithead1000 broke the bank on, stay to hear him bitch about Trapper Keepers...

Spoilers: it was Metal Storm, and can you believe that it managed to grace the cover of Nintendo Power? Not complaining of, more impressed than anything else (via shmups)...

Time for some bonus Bithead1000, which I’m not posting cuz of the aforementioned technical limitation, plus it has nothing to do with games anyway: hearing him talk about old school rap made my Memorial Day and hopefully it'll make yours, no matter what date it is.

Yet another video I must abstain from embedding is Johnny Cage performs 4'33". Hopefully all of you fans of Mortal Kombat/experimental compositions/shitty webtoons do not feel slighted (via roman55)...

Another look at the “New Aero City” stick, this time with the intended color scheme of yellow for both the balltop & buttons (last time they were red, as seen here; via hibachicandy)...

It’s the guy made Metal Gear and the guy who made Kong: Skull Island, playing Xevious & Ikaruga (via xtheo.ca)...

The beginning of the ultimate road trip (via lazywaifus)...

Like many others, I spent an entire morning pouring over that epic game collection before it was set to be auctioned off at the end of the month; my wish list included a SuperGrafx, TurboDuo, CD-i, Nuon, and Donkey Kong for the OG GB sealed… (via bodnarsauction.com)...

Alas, I couldn’t make the trip to Edison, NJ for the auction. Thankfully, @textfiles could; be sure to check all the photos he posted on May 31 for all that he saw...

Am surprised it took this long to see something like this (via @gamesyouloved)...

… The same source also posted this Sonic gif; I’ve looked everywhere for the source but zero luck… can anyone point me in the right direction?

Back to the aforementioned auction, or should I say the mass acquisition of old games; it’s always been a secret plan to collect a bunch of Super FX carts in order to extract the chips, for... something? (via pixelpolygon)

Thought check out what the Mega Drive/Genesis can do without the help of any fancy chips (via vidgam)...

...BTW, am aware of the fact that equally amazing programmers can probably push the SNES in crazy ways if given chance.

Am also familiar with the SVP or Sega Virtua Processor that drove the 16-bit version of Virtua Racing (which I enjoy better than the 32X version).

Re: the auction one last time: so the real reason why I didn't bother with making that trip to Jersey? There wasn't a Divers 2000 CX-1 on-hand (via anthony10000000)...

Here’s someone really enjoying a game of Zaxxon (via arcadezen)...

And someone... well... maybe enjoying a game of Polybius? (via dualvoidanima)

Okay, so this gif ain’t related to video games per say, yet this came up in a Tumblr that I frequent for super cool shit, plus the music video it’s from is neat, so there ya go (via mendelpalace)...

Speaking of sources for content, worlds collided with the surprise appearance of Just One Boss (which I first encountered at Death By Audio Arcade's Lo-Fi Game Night several months back) at obscurevideogames...

Worlds continued to collide with the surprise appearance of Attract Mode's Dark Souls print by Judson Cowan, in a recent article in Kotaku on the subject of Dark Souls Remastered...

One last last thing: I’ve long considered Suzuki Bakuhatsu to be THE game that best represents the Attract Mode a e s t h e t i c & I’m super happy that the RetroPals finally got around to playing it...

[sinsins52]

Everything Wrong With Everything Wrong With Teen Titans Go! To The Movies

ORIGINAL VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq3g4pJY07Y&t=0s

1.He’s slightly improved in a few ways, but he still has the same terrible intro that begs for likes.

2.He also still refuses to put his sinning intro over the actual title card. So really it’s Everything Wrong With _____

3.”A full minute of intros and I’m not even sure because two of them were for the WB” The 2nd one was for WB Animation, which is no different from all the other major animated films, it ain’t that long of a log sequence until the Marvel joke one.

4.”And already the first joke is them playing off the Marvel Cinematic intro. There’s so many Marvel jokes in this movie one might think they’re a bit bitter because they’re kicking their ass in the movie industry” Marvel is the dominating force in the superhero movie industry, and this movie spoofs a lot of that, so no duh there’s some Marvel jokes. Hell, there’s some potshots at DC, even in the first trailer!

5.”The welcome to Jump City sign is well within the center of the city. I think everyone knows where they are by the time they get that far in” That’s how it works in real though, or in the least my city is like that. And get used to him being pedantic, even by Sin standards..

6.”I don’t think anyone’s accidentally going to Jump City, one of the most riddled with crime places in the world, right next to Gotham or Metropolis” I…don’t get this one. I mean I don’t even know how to explain why you’re wrong I don’t even get your point. That accidentally really throws me off.

7.He sins all the references in this establishing shot, even though they are basically cute Easter eggs that are not sins.

8.”Batman’s not even liked in Gotham yet he has his own building” But maybe Jump City likes him fine. Also, this version of the DC characters is different in tons of ways, so why are you assuming it’s exactly like the other version in this case?

9.”I am upset that this isn’t even a gag character. It’s an actual person who exists in the DC world” That same world also has Kite Man and Condiment King. Just saying, the DC universe is weird and it’s not weird for a spoof movie to acknowledge this.

10.”Before he was crushing buildings with no problems, but now he can squeeze between them without them even building” He was punching at them before to destroy them as they were smaller than him but these two were a bit taller and there was a small space. Do the math.

11.”The safe is comically huge in comparasion to the actual bank” Congrats, you noticed.

12.”This why you can’t bring Starfire to a petting zoo” They were balloons. They pop. Come on.

13.”I get it, they’re supposed to be failed heroes but they’ve done plenty of stuff even in the TTG to be known within their own city” Maybe to the citizens or something, but not to this random villain we’ve never seen in the show before, and maybe he’s not super up to date anyway.

14.”Can’t Wonder Woman still fly in this world? I’m not sure why they gave her the invisible jet other than lol references are funny again”. If I had an invisible jet, I would show it off as much as possible…Maybe not “show” per say…

15.Also, the jet isn’t really a joke so that doesn’t apply here.

16.”Of all the heroes in Jump City, they had to pull out the A squad for Balloon man?” He still a pretty decent threat though, with all the destruction he was doing.

17.”They only make movies about real heroes” “But they’ll sure as hell make a Netflix original about just about anyone” If you’re referring to the Marvel shows, they're about pretty well liked and solid heroes, even Iron Fist isn’t that silly or an idea given their roster.

18.”The titans can afford to make their own movie, they have a private island and own a giant building” You mean like they do make? The one Robin dislikes because it is is so rnky dinky and he wants a serious Hollywood movie?

19.He really over analyzes a background reference to Young Justice.

20.”Further proof that the bat credit card has been canon all along” How does that Utility Belt movie prove this?

21.He shows off a fairly lo0ng clip just to sin another background gag. He likes to run the clips for too long, almost like he wants the video to be longer for extra watch time…

22”Breaking the 4th but yeah, he’s not Deadpool” That would work better if not for the actual Deadpool joke they make later. Oh and this character that character!

23.’I get it, this is a comedy movie-” And that’s when you should have stopped talking. His sin is that Slade being more comedic is “insulting” even though it really isn’t.

(By the way, this scene has them thinking Slade is Deadpool and Slade finds that comparison stupid because there’s plenty of guys with swords like him. The Titans would be amazing at Cinema Sins!)

24.He says he’s removing a sin for the Circe of Life spoof…but he ends up adding one. Whoops.

25.”Batman kills a baby-” In a dream sequence.

26.”This improvised song already has a billboard” A visual gag for a song is a sin I guess. Also, no sin removal for this?!

27.”This might be a bit overboard for a nitpick-” Lol.

28.”Would it have been okay if his dad wasn’t a cop?” No, but that fact does make it a bigger deal.

29.”Stan’s cameos are not subtle but neither are the references in this movie” And yet when they are subtle, you sin them anyway.

30.”Leaving them with the permanent injures” “And huge medical dat making him go right back to that life of crime-” Yes, because if he didn’t have bills, he’d just…give up crime for no reason? Also, I have no idea what he says but it sounds like “Dat” for screw it.

31.”Raven, who didn’t know the time cycles even existed prior to this was able to summon them from an unknown location because that’s how her powers work now” That’s how they’ve always worked but okay.

32.”When I think of rad, I definitely think of terseness are on tricycles” What, you don’t?

33.”What’s up with the 80’s fetishim in this movie? Take on Me, Tricycles-” I don’t think Tricycles are an 80’s thing.

34.”And Batman doesn’t remember the Teen Titans being the ones that pushed his parents into an alleyway to be brutally murdered” Eh, it’s scarring and all but I can buy him not remembering their exact faces and hey, they don’t dwelll on it too much since you’re not supposed to think about the logic in this silly movie too hard.

35.The bit where Cyborg and Beast Boy fal to be saved prompts him to go into this long winded rant on how it’s not possible. And I thought the previous sin was pedantic. This is after he sinned the movie for having bits that go on too long, by the way.

36.The sin counter randomly drops to 42 before going back to 85 in the next sin.

37.”Superman skips leg day, because that’s what happens when you can fly anywhere” …K?

38.”You already have Netflix, so there’s literally no reason for this” This is on a bigger scale and tell that to DC.

39.”Can you guys mainly do this so that Robin can get the movie? Wouldn’t this be the right choice?” I have no idea what you just said.

40.”He would have to keep up this facade all these years to compete these movies” Correct me if I’m wrong but there’s nothing to indicate “Jade Wilson” has been around for years, just that she’s a big director and those can rise fairly quickly sometimes.

(Frankly the real sin is that he didn’t just give the Robin the movie right away so can finish his plot quicker. Seriously, he just made it more complicated for himself)

41.”Slade, instead of using the swords and guns he has, decides to instead blow up an entire town” I think that’s far more efficiency in this case though.

42.”For a plan this is pretty retarded” Ugh.

43.”Added camera shake to make things more intense” Yes, that is why they did that, well done. Also, I hardly even noticed that here.

44.”-And I don’t mean that shitty Netflix original series were Starfire looks like a hooker” It’s not for Netflix and something that way you worded that bugs me.

45.It says Episode Sin Tally.

SINS VIDEO SIN TALLY: 45

SENTENCE: Mind Manipulation

Yep, our old friend Moliminus actually beat SeriesSins to it. I wanted to give SeriesSins time to do his video, but his taking his time so here we are. I will do his sometime in January if all goes well. I think this is the most sins for an off brand video, but that’s only because this video is 27 minutes long for some reason.

Anyway, I want the SinsSin post that goes up closest to Christmas to be a Cinema Sins video, so we’re doing Off Brand sins next week as well. And with it, we go back to a 2000’s animated movie.

[weneverlearn]

GARAGE PUNK DOC IN THE WORKS! 

Wherein Italian trash rock lifers dust off their old VHS concert tapes and pick up a new camera to document the 1990s garage rock scene.

About the last week of November, a trailer of sorts (above) was making the trash rock rounds. It’s cool clips and odd editing of some of the best garage bands of the 1990s piqued lots of interest and fevered sharings, garnering excited queries of “What?” “When?” “Who?” Gaaaaaggghh!!”

Well it turns out I had a clue, as this in-the-works documentary of the end-of-the-century garage rock scene (ala the one covered in my book) is being scrummed up by Italian uber-fans, Massimo Scocca and Gisella Albertini. They not only started booking great bands from all over the wold in their town of Torino and beyond northern Italy back in the early ‘90s, but they had their own great trash trio, Two Bo’s Maniacs. And yes, @newbombturks have been pals with them since they first booked us in 1993, and are one of many interview subjects planned for the film.

Since the chances of 20th Century Fox coming along to bankroll a doc on the 1990s garage punk scene is probably out of the realm of possibility, here’s hoping Massimo and Gisella get all the help and funding they need to finish the project.

We Never Learn checked in with Gisella for some more details on the project.

So, what is the name of the documentary, and why is it named that?

We needed a working title that could pretty much summarize what it is about, and not just cool sounding: Live The Life You Sing About - Tales of Low Budget and Desperate Rock’n’Roll.  

We started wondering how bands that sound so different from one another are often perceived as part of the same category or “genre.” When someone asks us to define it, we end up with a long series of terms: garage, punk, rock’n’roll; sometimes with an extra “sixties” or “lo-fi” or “low-budget” in all possible combinations because they’re not not necessarily all true at the same time. Maybe the one thing they have in common is attitude. Something like: play, sing, do what you think is right, no matter what other people think or say. This often comes along with struggle, frustration, and the feeling of being on a different planet, so we threw in an extra “desperate.” It also happens to be the title of an old song that a band brought back to the present, which is another common theme here. However, it might still change, if we come up with a better idea.

Who started the idea to do the documentary, and why?

We came across a box of Video 8 and cassette tapes, forgotten in a closet for years, and something clicked: “We should do something with this!”

From time to time we happen to meet kids who were just babies or very young children in the 90’s, but are very much into this kind of music. Usually when they hear the names of the bands we saw play live, they look at us with amazement and envy. That reminds us of when we talked to people who had seen maybe like Bo Diddley and the Rolling Stones in the ‘60s in just one night. Ok, it means that we’re getting older, but at the same time, we feel lucky and grateful that someone worked hard to allow all that to happen. Now, it’s our chance to save someone “from the misery of being a Taylor Swift fan and do something good for the world” ( - Tim Warren). Ha ha ha!!!

Gisella (far right); Massimo (middle) - Photographer unknown

Is there a kind of timeframe to the bands in the movie?

I guess you know exactly what it means having to choose what to include and what to cut. So many stories that should be told, so little pages...or minutes. It’s just an impossible task. So, we somehow arbitrarily put some boundaries. We decided to focus on whatever happened between 1990 and 1999. Last decade of the millennium. Pretty epic, you know. The era of transition towards new technologies that deeply changed the way of doing many things, but at the same time, at least in this kind of music, strongly rooted in the previous decades of the century.

Oh sure, it’s not that a flying saucer with all these bands landed on Earth on January 1, 1990 and left on December, 1999. We will have flashbacks and references to the present as well. But since the documentary is mostly based on our own archive, it’s also necessarily influenced by the fact that we met some people and not others, and we saw, filmed, and photographed some bands more than others.

Tell me about what your backgrounds are -- in music or life in general.

Oh well, the main people [working on the doc] currently is the two of us -- with the precious help of a few people who could not devote themselves to the project until it’s completed, but worked with us and supported us in many ways.

When we came up with the idea, we had two main options: putting together a professional-looking proposal, sending it around and just wait, hoping some producer would notice its great potential and decide to invest thousands of dollars on it. Or, just jump in and start somehow and figure everything else out in the process. We chose the latter -- it’s more punk! There’s no fame and fortune guaranteed with this project. You do it just because you want to and no matter what.

I mean, we expected a bunch of dedicated fans and collectors would love to see a documentary like this. But being realistic, that’s a relatively small niche. We tried to figure what people know about this. in Italy, the closest they can usually get to this kind of music is what here is called the  “Po-po-po-po-po-po-poo World Cup chant.” Real title: “Seven Nation Army” by the White Stripes. Not even something we plan to mention. 

Next, a bunch of bands of the late 90’s-early 2000s, still quite a bit out of our range. Then numbers get lower and lower, down to the most obscure ones that only few geeks have ever heard of.

Anyway, if all goes well, we’ve finally found a stable technical crew. Also, we’re working on a few ways of funding the project, besides our own bank account, and including crowdfunding later. Plus a few other ideas, but nothing defined yet so I prefer not to say more, until we’re settled.

1995 7″

Torino newspaper clipping, 10/93. - “Shitty local bands get the main title, while they (A-Bones) only appear to deserve a "tough (?) garage rockers from NY.” - Gisella

How far along are you in finishing it, and when do you think it will be done?

We already did a lot of work on the archive and the structure that will help speed up the editing process. However, we still have quite a few interviews to make, presumably in the summer, and post-production that will involve quite a lot of work on sound especially. Sorry guys, sit down and relax, at least until late 2018. But we’ll keep everybody updated on our page.

Who have you talked to so far, and who do you hope to talk to when you come to the States?

We did long interviews with Tim Warren and Ben Wallers at their homes. Then we have eleven more, collected at gigs of the bands that happened to be touring Europe: opportunities that we couldn’t waste. Many interviews were between sound check and dinner, or even after the gig, and we might decide -- with the interviewees -- to use only part of them, or not at all, then do more while we’re in the U.S.A. Oh, I almost forgot to mention 30 audio-only interviews we had made for our zine in the ‘90’s that will be partially edited in as well. Who do we hope to talk to in the States? Hey, we’re Italian and superstitious, we don’t reveal names in advance!

Torino newspaper clipping, 1994.

Tell us about when you first started seeing these kind of garage punk bands. And what was an early show you saw that really made you get into this music?

Gisella: Sixties music has been my favorite since I was 4 or 5, when I found my mom’s Beatles records -- two 45’s -- in a cupboard. From there, you know, Kinks, Them, Animals, Pretty Things, and then Pebbles, Back From the Grave, and the bands more or less inspired by that. So when my friends and I heard that the guy from the Prisoners would play in town with his new band the Prime Movers, we all went, of course. There, we discovered the opening band would be the Wylde Mammoths. Great night, and a first glimpse of things to come. But it was really the Gories and Thee Headcoats records I came across at a local record store that blew my mind and had me say “Oh THIS is what I really want to hear!.” Everything else followed.

Massimo: Well I’m older than Gisella you know, and I saw some awesome bands during the ‘80s like Suicide, Gun Club, etc. I used to collect a lot of garage compilations, early blues records, r&b, soul, and all the good stuff. But the event that attracted me strongly into this music happened in 1990. I was in NYC, checking the Village Voice and saw that the Gories and the Raunch Hands would play that night. So I went there, and man, that gig was unbelievable! Totally different from anything you could hear at that time, and so shocking that it definitely changed my life forever.

I guess there will be a lot of old film footage in the movie. Can you tell us about one or two old videos you have that you are particularly excited about putting in the movie?

The first one we ever shot. it’s 1995, Micha [Warren, Crypt Records] tells us the Oblivians will be touring Europe. The 10” on Sympathy was awesome and the Country Teasers will be playing too, so we decide to follow them around for a week. Right before leaving, I remember a friend of mine had a Video 8 camera from the late 80s, ask him if we can borrow it, and he says yes. Great, off we go in our ‘70s orange, rusty Ford Transit that we can also sleep in. We get to Stuttgart, Germany. The venue is a sort of long narrow basement, really packed, hot wild atmosphere. Camera battery is fully charged, everything ready, we’re thrilled at the idea of filming such an event. Except... five minutes later, the camera’s dead! The battery was fucked up. What do we do? We can’t miss something like this. Between the sets, we ask if I can keep the camera plugged to the only socket around, at the back of the stage, and they say ok. So for the whole gig I’m there in a corner, trying not to pull my 3′ cord too much, horrified at the thought of blacking out amps and P.A., making the band and the crowd mad at me forever. Luckily, I didn’t. And we came home with some real crazy footage!

Was there any band so far that said NO to an interview for the film?

Considering that in most cases we basically popped up at sound-check asking for an interview for a basically nonexistent documentary, we’re really grateful that they all said yes in that moment, despite the often dire circumstances. It gave us the confidence to persist.

As for the future, we haven’t contacted 100% of those we’d like to interview yet. Until now there was only one who said, “Maybe, it depends.” But I already sort of expected this could happen, and in fact I contacted him way before all the others, in order to have time to figure out my countermoves. Not all hope is lost, ha!

Tell us anything else you want about the movie.

We want our documentary to reflect what we think was the feel of that era -- no bullshit, fun, crazy, and not too high tech!

Follow the film’s progress here!!

[alexanderwrites]

Top of the Flops - Cursed (2005)

A brief introduction: I watch a lot of movies, and specifically, I watch a lot of terrible movies. On purpose. Perhaps it was growing up on Adam Sandler movies that did it, but I am naturally drawn to the mistakes of cinema. Making friends that are equally as obsessed with the annals of acrid cinema helped encourage my plight, as did the great podcast, How did this Get Made? I’ve learned to embrace my love of the hot garbage, yet all my terrible film watching tended to just fall into a well deep inside my brain where it’d remain, only to occasionally crawl back out and force me to admit: “Oh shit, I think i’ve seen that”. And so, with this feature, I will attempt to look these movies dead in the eye and say “.....alright then”. These films won’t necessarily be the traditional flop, but they will exist in one of three categories (or hopefully, all three): Financial Flop, Critical Flop, or Flop inside my own Heart. And we start with a movie that swipes at those three categories with a badly animated paw and succeeds at being all of them.

Budget: $38m

Gross: $29.6m

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 16%

When you think about something being cursed, sure, you might think of someone bitten by a Hollywood Werewolf. Or, you might think of a film that is produced by Bob and Harvey Weinstein, the unsurpassed ineffectual tinkerers of Hollywood Movies. Cursed has a lot of curses, but it is hard to find one more damning than that of the Weinstein curse, which put this movie through years of production hell while they desperately attempted to lower the rating and stuff it full of stars so that people would actually go and see it. They failed wildly. Pandering is the bread and butter of Horror Cinema of the mid-2000s (let us not forget that Paris Hilton starred in the House of Wax remake that year) and boy does this film come off as a parent trying to access your love by accessing your CD collection (shit, ‘CD collection’? Sorry, this film has put me into 2005 mode, when I actually owned CDs by some of the bands in this soundtrack).

How pander-ific does it get? The film opens with a Bowling for Soup concert. Y’know, the guys who sang Girl all the Bad Guys Want? Yeah, them. Whether or not they were a voice of a generation, this film skews pretty young, and in case you were worried that they’re just aiming for the kids who ride skateboards, worry no more: the singer Mya is at the concert. Yes, the singer Mya. And the strangest thing is, the singer Mya doesn’t sing at all. Which is what, if anything, she was known for. It is entirely possible she showed up to the production, Wes Craven didn’t recognise her and instead cast her as “girl who flirts and therefore gets violently killed”. And later, the trifecta of “WHY ARE THEY THERE” musicians is complete when Lance Bass has a wordless cameo. Oh Bass, you truly were the Alfred Hitchcock of cameos! (Alfred Hitchcock was also the Alfred Hitchcock of cameos, as well as the Alfred Hitchcock of Alfred Hitchcocks). 

Aside from Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg leading the cast, (who no teen on earth cared about in 2005), the film’s attempt to celebrit-ise the cast list is, erm...weird? There’s Shannon Elizabeth (who was 5 years past being popular), Joshua Jackson (who was 10 years past being popular) and Scott Baio (who was literally never popular). As Bart once pointed out: “What’s a Chachi?”. And, if it had been released ten years later, the film could’ve had something on their hands with this cameo...

It’s odd that the film should be such a cynical Hollywood cheap-fest because writer Kevin Williamson (scribe of classics like Scream and...not classics like I Know What You Did Last Summer) is quite the meta lover, and is excitedly peppers the script with lots of digs at Hollywood. They’re not good digs: Jesse Eisenberg suggests that as the werewolf is from Hollywood, it might have breast implants, an image that’s so stupid, yet so viscerally disgusting, that I wish Eisenberg had never opened his bastard mouth to say it. Williamson is not much of a satirist outside of Scream, but you get the feeling he thinks he is. “I’m gonna make fun of dumb old Hollywood whilst making a film that is the most clear cut example of dumb old Hollywood. Haha! Take that, me!”.

The film has promise in its names: Wes Craven behind the camera and Rick Baker on makeup, but in reducing the film’s certificate, The Weinstein’s rid the movie of almost any of that great Baker body horror makeup, and any of that Craven intelligence. I can’t blame it all on them: the scariest thing about it is how horrifically directed it is: it looks like a TV Movie, and I genuinely would not surprised if Craven was napping through 80% of filming. And it’s an odd decision to rely so heavily on cheap looking CGI when Baker is around - it’s like they said “Great, we’ve got Rick Baker on board! Now, lets lock him in that cupboard over there for two years”. Because this film literally took over two years to make. A film taking a long time, a film having reshoots, and a film having rewrites, are three signs your film is in trouble. Cursed has all three of those. I mean, did it really sound promising when Men in Black 3′s rewrites were going so badly that they got Will Smith on board to help out? It damn well didn’t, and we ended up with a film with lines like “I will pimp-slap the shiznit out of you”. In 2012. 

You can tell Cursed was filmed over gigantic periods of time, which would explain why nobody in the film appears to give a shit about anything that’s happening. Ricci, Eisenberg and Jackson seem so entirely bored and quite honestly, sleepy, that it’s baffling that Wes didn’t say ‘Hey can we try that once more but this time not shitty?’. Not that he cared too much - how do you direct a film from someone’s else’s script for nearly THREE years and still care? How do you maintain a solid and consistent directing style over three years? The answer is: you don’t. 

I can not blame the bad performances. The script is so dire and laughable that caring about it requires energy which could be better spent on things such as making some lunch or clearing out your junk mail folders. I mean, what could Ricci possibly see in her character Ellie? She’s a talk show producer which never plays into her story, and after she and her brother are attacked by an LA Werewolf, what exciting changes in her occur? What emotional developments does she have to grapple with? Well for a starter, she wears a new shirt to work. It’s the most nondescript shirt imaginable, and yet it causes her co-worker to tell her she looks “Saucy”. Did I mention that this movie has no idea how people talk or act? She does so little else, except sniff the odd bit of blood, and worry that her brooding boyfriend, Joshua Jackson, isn’t happy with her. His story isn’t much better, the crux of his arc in the first half is “He loves to fuck so much, but can he learn to cut back on all the fucking?”. Oh, and he has a club to open, which is a bizarre Madame Tussauds of horror movie mannequins, but also Cher and Xena, and also a house of mirrors, and also a DJ. And Lance Bass attends the opening. It feels like the weirdest and laziest shoehorn of “Hey here’s some horror movie imagery so we can tie our movie to much better horror movies!”, and the twist is so predictable that I wrote in my notes “If Joshua Jackson doesn’t turn out to be a werewolf I will eat my own hands.”. 

         IF ONLY there was some framing to give me a hint! Darn it!

Meanwhile, Jesse Eisenberg plays Jimmy, who knows he is turning into a werewolf because he went on “internet search” and typed in the words “Werewolf L.A”. He doesn’t seem very bothered, though. As soon as they get home from their initial attack (during which Shannon Elizabeth is in a fiery car wreck and then dragged off to her death), he says, with casual indifference “Well. G’night”. After he saw a woman killed. And after they were attacked by a gigantic wolf. Nobody seems to care about anything that is happening, but why should they? Jimmy’s werewolf transformation is only marginally more exciting than Ellie’s, because he gets the Spiderman 3 style hair makeover (although this is spiky rather than floppy) and he can now suplex his bully. 

Ellie’s transformation means she can catch a fly in her bare hand, y’know, just as werewolves are always doing. The film seems to forget that they’re actually supposed to be werewolves because they never actually turn into werewolves, and it never seems to affect their lives too badly. The traditional impetus for werewolves’ story arc is that they want to stop becoming a werewolves because they don’t want to kill people. That isn’t even hinted at with either Ellie or Jimmy - they never even try to kill anyone, they never fully transform, and the most dangerous Ellie gets is when she yells “Don’t start with me!” at a producer who doesn’t want Scott Baio to be bumped for Carrot Top. Seriously. A moment that is supposed to showcase Ellie’s newfound animal fury involves a conversation about Carrot Top and Scott Baio. For most of the film she doesn’t really believe she’s a werewolf, which gives us a contender for worst line of 2005: “Everybody’s cursed. It’s called life”. Her story is thoroughly underwritten, meanwhile you wish Jimmy’s story was not written at all.

Because he’s Jesse Eisenberg, he gets bullied by someone who throws homophobic slurs at him even though, as Jimmy repeatedly reminds us, he’s not gay. Poor straight kid! That must be tough, being straight! Some of these insults include “Your dog is gay too!”, and “You ass wimp wad”. But it’s okay, because it turns out the bully is gay! And not only that, but he turns up on Jimmy’s front porch and tries to kiss him, which leads to another of the worst/best lines of the film: “i’m not gay....i’m a werewolf”. The nonchalant way he just reveals that information is ridiculous, and is another demonstration of the way that nobody seems to care very much about anything in this movie. The film doesn’t seem to care very much about its set pieces either, one of which happens moments after the porch scene. The family dog for no apparent reason is a werewolf now, too! A vague, fuzzily CGI’d ball of brown that throws itself through windows!

                                   “Ahh!! It’s an....onion bhaji?”

Meanwhile, Joshua Jackson’s secret kind of just falls out, as if Kevin Williamson was like “Oh RIGHT, there has to be an antagonist”. Joshua Jackson is a werewolf after all, and this draws the action towards the opening of his club, where Jimmy’s bully joins them for some reason, and proceeds to get knocked out instantly, a state in which he remains for the entire duration of the scene. 

  “My dying wish is that I one day star in a superhero show that is beloved for      one season and then the most hated thing on TV for the second season”

The great TV writer John Swartzwelder was known for using “for some reason” in his scripts, which worked beautifully for a solid, absurd joke. But Cursed is a supposed horror film that takes “for some reason” and bases its entire third act on it. Why are they all here at this club? Why is Judy Greer turning into a werewolf now? And why, by any stretch of the imagination, did the writers think that, after having her looks insulted, it’d be a good idea to have the Greerwolf do this:

Yes, Judy Greer is the last-minute big bad wolf, but to what end? Where was all the build up to that? What is her motivation? And how much longer if there left of this film? She gives an expository dump about how much she hates women and thus wants to eat her, and it carries about as much weight as the fly that Ellie caught earlier (callbacks!). The big fight between Greerwolf and Jimmy & Ellie feels totally unearned, and they don’t even use any of their Werewolf abilities. I mean, sure, it’s a fun sight seeing Jesse Eisenberg charging at Greerwolf with a sword and shouting “yyAAAH YAAAAAAAH”, but the scene ends without Ellie and Jimmy doing anything impressive at all, and instead a bunch of cops just shooting her to death. It’s not very clever or satisfying. At least she got to crack a few lines before her time was up, including “Showtime. Isn’t that what they say?”. Uhh...yeah I guess? Good one? The film cannot seem to make up its mind on what any of the characters think or want, and so Joshua Jackson goes from good, to bad, to good and back to bad again, and not for one second does the disinterest on his face let up.

      “I’m a fuckin wolf and uh, i’m gonna eat you now I guess. Or not. Wes!?”

The final set piece, which limps along after what feels like a 20 minute film (which is actually 100 minutes) occurs after 3 acts which involve zero emotional development, and zero cool werewolf moments. Surely now is the time for our protagonist, Ellie, to have both? Nah! Instead she slowly sort-of turns into a werewolf, by getting lumpy skin and big teeth. She never fully transforms (“It happens slowly at first” says Jackson, meaning “we don’t have the budget for a full transformation”) and doesn’t even get to overpower Joshua Jackson, which would’ve at least given her some agency and closure. That task is left to Jimmy who crawls around on the ceiling for a bit, (another classic werewolf attribute??) before eventually stopping Jackson with a shovel and a....cake serving knife. A cake serving knife that you see a lot of in the film, because apparently cake serving knives are really cool props to have as a sort of Chekhov’s Cake Server?

            “Teenagers LOVE cake servers, right” - Kevin Williamson

Jimmy saves Ellie with the help of the cake server, and once Jackson is down, Ellie at the very least she gets to smash Jackson’s head off, and his body burns. Kitchen RUINED. She doesn’t even seem upset that she’s had to smash her supposed love’s head clean off his body. And mere moments after this, Jimmy’s crush comes to the door having found their were-dog, and conveniently knowing that a) it’s his dog and b) where he lives. They have a kiss and walk off, with his bully in attendance because apparently he doesn’t have a family of his own. They all got over that evening pretty fast. After tearing a werewolf’s head off and having your sister nearly killed, would you not want to hang out for a bit longer? Just have a bit of a night in? Instead, it’s a casual “Well that’s done then, bye!”. And there’s his arc. He’s made a friend, got a girlfriend, and saved his sister. And what was Ellie’s arc? She wears a new shirt, has her life nearly ended several times, has her house ruined, and then, as Jimmy fucks off with his mates, she closes the film with the line “I’m just gonna stay here and clean”. Seriously. That’s her resolution. That’s how she ends the film. Bloodied, miserable, alone, and cleaning up the gore in her kitchen. I can’t wait for Cursed 2 to see if she managed to successfully hoover up all that werewolf fur!! 

It’s a real failure of a film in every regard. It does lean towards trying to be fun rather than trying to be scary, but couldn’t it have tried to be even a bit spooky? Could the jump scares have not been so endless and predictable. I mean, ten points for anyone who can guess where the jump scare is coming from in this scene:

Yes, a cuckoo clock is about as scary as it gets. I could tolerate the lack of care put into the story and the characters if the action and horror were there, but they really aren’t. There is nothing tense, well crafted or smart in the film. It’s baffling to think this is the guy who made Scream and A Nightmare on Elm Street, because this doesn’t just feel like it was directed by someone having an off day, it feels like it was directed by someone whose only experience is directing episodes of MTV’s Cribs. It doesn’t attempt to subvert, improve or even just successfully repeat the werewolf formula, instead it just throws random iconography from those movies at you with Dashboard Confessional songs playing loudly enough to distract you from this terrible film with an even more terrible soundtrack. Terrible, and yet I did have fun with it. It actually benefits from being flimsy and light as air, and as dreadful as it gets, I did appreciate it not taking itself too seriously. There are enough unintentionally funny and simply bizarre moments to make it an enjoyable watch, and it’s not the most hatable of films. It could almost have had a charm, if it wasn’t really, really, extremely bad. 

Worth a hate watch?: Yes

Worst/best line: “I’m not gay....i’m a werewolf”

Worst film of 2005?: Son of the Mask, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Doom, XXX 2, The Pacifier and Bewitched all came out in 2005, so no. Cursed might be a bad film from a bad year, but it is not the worst. Rob Schneider knows very well which film is the worst of 2005. 

[greengay]

Do you have a life?

i mean ya i should be:- editing pics of snail mail and posting them- signing up for ceramics classes- cleaning out my car cos i’m taking a road trip to niagara falls this weekend- buying weezer/pixies tickets cos my friend’s bf is coming down and i said i’d go w/ them and he might be my future hookup to get c*ke but like i also wanna see the bands lol- getting a recipe together cos i ran into this girl i went to jewish sleep-away camp with on the street and she invited me for a potluck shabbat this fri! and i feel like it’s appropriate to bring a dish, yk?- picking up my film from my photo studio and tryna fix my 35mm camera cos i want sick pics of the trip and i’m trying to shift into analog- corresponding w my tattoo artist and picking a date to finally bite the bullet and get my first non stick n poke tattoo - i should prob do my laundry - i’ve been meaning to work up the courage to ask my roommate for his adderall, cos i’ve never tried it and my psychiatrist won’t prescribe it cos i’m “too anxious”, but i feel that’s really awkward to ask fhdjxksks. the thing is, though, he lives here rent free??? cos he’s fucking my roommate who’s on the lease. he’s 30 years old and he doesn’t pay rent, he can fucking give me some of his adderall imo - i wanna write some fic and write a couple reviews of shows i’ve been to, but the idea of writing “formally” (i.e. complete sentences, proper paragraphs/grammar/punctuation) fills me with a lot of anxiety because i want it to be perfect, and i’m aware of the fact that i have to at least TRY and it’s okay to not be great at things at first, but i’m working on it with my therapist who i see on tuesday - oh yea that’s another thing....fuck....i’m hopefully getting a breast lift (covered by insurance) cos i lost 60lbs and now have the titties of a woman who’s has several kids, and i have a consultation with the doctor tomorrow but i still gotta fill out all the paperwork and then i agreed to cover a coworker’s walk (i walk dogs for a living which is why i’m able to be on tumblr all the time), but i forgot i also have therapy on tuesday so that’s gonna be a rushed day - anyways in therapy we recently made a breakthrough and what i’m missing, apparently, is a sense of community cos i’ve moved around a lot as a kid (10+ places!!!) and while that makes me worldly and well-traveled and adaptable and more empathetic to different kinds of people....it’s hard to create a well spread out and close-knit friend group.......which i think is why i’ve made so many internet friends? cos it’s consistent and they’re always there even if you move. but anyways. i think i’m going to stay in my current city for a couple years, and i want a support system + a community of like-minded people which is why i’ve gotten involved in my local d.i.y. scene....my friend and i (the one i’m going to niagara falls with, i met her at my second job at a jazz bar) are gonna try to start a shitty band, and while i love music and the idea of creating something that other people can potentially enjoy, i gotta be honest with ya hoss...... the real appeal of being in a band is spending a lot of time with other people and making friends and traveling together, which is why i think i’m so obsessed with green day? like, yeah, i enjoy the music and aesthetic and what it stands for, but i’m so so envious of the lifestyle of having nothing but music and your friends and there’s a sense of loyalty and camaraderie always, and i think that’s also why my favorite movies are stand by me and the sandlot and goonies and super 8 and IT, and why i like stranger things, is because it helps me reclaim the childhood i never really got and that i always wished i had......- oh shit also i gotta get a photo pass for jeff rosenstock next week......i’m also seeing the japandroids at this bar near my apt (tbt 2000’s indie movie soundtracks) and i wanna get this cool filter for my camera before then too.....- fuck, my friend (the one with the bf that can score some coke) also wants me to get panic at the disco (i know) tickets for us, and she even offered to buy my ticket for me for my bday (;-;;;) but i’m still trying to find reduced price tickets, they’re fucken expensive!!!!! i’m so bitter that patd is playing arena shows Only now, i rmr seeing em in a 700 capacity venue, and TBH i don’t wanna give brendon “barsexual” urie any of my money, but i write sins still fucken BOPS, yk?? - man i also remembered i’m renting an airbnb with some friends the day after panic, and we’re going to our camp reunion (remember my longing for a community??? camp was my community for awhile and it was nice and fulfilling, but i couldn’t work there this year cos i would have to sublet my apartment for 3 months and that’s too stressful) and it will be nice to see these ppl considering i haven’t seen them since 2014 when we had a party at my aunt’s beach house LMAO this got off track...kinda turned into a to-do list for this week..adhd......anyways, no i guess i don’t have a life lol but why’s that matter to ya, huh??