#another diary post lol

[pxrplepolkadots]

👁

[vegaseatsass]

I made and deleted a post about this a few weeks ago but I've been thinking a lot about projecting onto toxic ships/dynamics in fiction, and not onto the romantic parts ("I relate to Pete in Vegaspete because I want someone to unlock me to human touch") but onto the very toxic parts ("I relate to Vegas in Vegasporsche because he's lying his ass off and orchestrating Porsche's downfall, and mentally blaming Porsche for everything he's planning to do to him, for believing the wrong things and choosing the wrong side, AND for falling for Vegas's obvious facade! Dummy I've always been your enemy it's SO OBVIOUS!! Yet in the moment, when they're riding bikes or hugging and Vegas is compartmentalizing, he does genuinely care about Porsche and feel honest affection for him, and that's what sells the lie... and makes Vegas hate himself for his traitorous weakness and want to sabotage any sincere moments they have"), and how huge this distinction feels to me. So I wanted to do like a Tell me the most toxic fictional thing you overidentify with meme.

Not sure that's the best way to word it, and you don't have to (and probably shouldn't) explain why, but like. Don't tell me "I relate to Korn as a parent;" tell me "I relate to Korn when he's preventing his children from competing by pitting them against their cousins instead, because he can blame that on their grandfather and his brother and not himself, and pretend his kids are fine and it's just the cousins who are getting destroyed". Does that make sense? This way also I don't have to know your toxic blorbo to understand your toxic emotion. Anyway do it

[sweettint]

Klaus is an abusive character. He's got issues, but rather than dealing with them in his 1000+ years of life, he imposes them on others. Even his siblings are victims of his hostile temper like the toxic codependency we see with Rebecca. Imagine not being able to voice your ideas or opinions because the moment you cross this guy BOOM now you are daggered (dead if you're not his siblings), now you're to spend god knows how much time in a coffin till this guy feels like 'forgiving' you (happens mainly because he was getting bored). This clarifies why his (some) siblings disdain him.

Now Now, don't get me wrong! These are the characteristics that make him a good complex villain for Tvd also I get why would people love his character as underneath all his hostile blowup and narcissistic charm, there was an undeniable vulnerability: he wanted to be loved and accepted... Plus his childhood was very traumatic and I feel soo bad for the young Klaus (can I hug that little guy and tell him how's everything gonna be fine or take him away from all this? Then he might have grown up to be a better person), one can still see how much it still effects him. That's why his older brother Elijah kind of feels guilty about what all young Klaus had gone through and expects to bring out the good in him (like we see in The Originals, how he transforms from a villain to a flawed hero because of his daughter- this was what Elijah believed in and that's why rooted for Klaus).

So I'm all for a good redemption arc, everyone deserves second chances. This is why you can love this guy, BUT HOW CAN YOU EXCUSE HIS ACTIONS? It's like they glitter up and cover his actions and consequences with rose petals, ignoring how much hurt he had caused others without feeling remorse for one bit, and then these people would hate on others with the sole justification that "they were annoying". For example, why do these people hate Tyler?? He had such a great redemption arc in Tvd but got sired to Klaus, even after that he tried his best to not lose himself and even tried helping others, went through all that pain just for Caroline, got betrayed by Hayley, his friends were killed, his mother was killed by Klaus with whom love of his life ends up sleeping and that's not even the end... He has every fucking right to be mad but ends up getting punched jfhdhgh. Even Matt.. He's so much better than these murderers but they all wish death upon him. This is hypocrisy at this point.

Thus, I do like Klaus because of how strategic and intriguing he is (the way he gets mad with outrage lmao) and his unpredictableness is a chef's kiss, but this doesn't mean he's your goody two shows that fandom makes him be and disguise his acts to show him like a tortured essence.

[spocks-kaathyra]

lecture doodle #2 Nal again but as a kiddo. get ready for an absolute onslaught of 3/4 view busts facing left in the future fjdjfdk it's literally all I draw when I'm absentmindedly doodling

just wanted to put em next to each other. look at my girl growing up :')

[arctic-hands]

I learned what a bullet journal was by watching a few YouTube artists set theirs up and my algorithm spiraled out of control from there so I guess I have all the bujo influencers to thank for getting into it because it has been a godsend so far on my third attempt, but damn if the over emphasis on aesthetic over the actual practical organizational aspect of it doesn't rankle me a bit

[thirty rambling tags later] huh. I didn't know there was a thirty tag limit in all the years I've been on tumblr. Whatevs I can't copy paste the tags onto the main body because I'm on mobile and I don't want to write it out again so I'll just summarize the last bit here:

If you are browsing the bujo tag because you feel bullet journaling will help you but you feel intimated because you don't think you can make it look pretty, or that the bullet journal method could never help you because it looks exhausting or the inspo you see doesn't cover what you need, I am pleading with you to ignore all the pretty inspiration, take the most common and even original Ryder Carroll formats and spreads with a grain of salt and eliminate or change them as needed, and talk to people who have similar needs than you even if they don't bujo and suss out what's important to keep track of. My bujo is eighty percent important medical bullshit, because that's what I need more than a book tracker. You prolly have your own unique needs. And hell, if you want a book tracker then add a booktracker. It's your bujo to format and plan out.

So like if you want to start bullet journaling, go to Michaels and get a seven dollar Artist's Loft dot grid journal. Or a binder you have left over from school years past and print out your own dot grid paper if you have enough ink and paper and printer that can do double sided (Kevin McLeod's site I forget the name of has free adjustable dot and other grids I've used), or buy a pack of 8.5x11 dot grid paper, and grab a crappy hole punch that just barely does the job. Get yourself a nice pen you think looks and feels nice in your hand and on the paper–or if that doesn't matter to you go get pack of Bics or even pencil if that's what you prefer (I use a pencil for things I can't have be permanent, like temporary meds or the dates of yearly vaccines). If you're twitchy about messing up then get the cheapest wite out they have (but don't worry about messing up especially if you're not even showing it off to anybody). A cheap yellow highlighter if you think it'll help. And a ruler if straight lines are important to you. I lost mine so I just wobble my lines now I don't care (and it's marginally easier to get a line adjacent to straight with a dot grid)

Anyway. If you want to bullet journal but don't know where to start or how to make it pretty or how to make it work for your needs, just try it in the cheapest way possible and rearrange the guts of the bujo as you see fit. And don't worry about the optics as long as you can make sense of your methods and writing.

(and for the love of God if you're bipolar don't make an hourly mood tracker yes our moods can and will fluctuate throughout the day but goddamn was that a bitch to log and abandoned a few weeks after inking it out)

[murdoc]

before taking my road test i did genuinely think everyone who said some of them will try to trip you up or be overly harsh were just sorta stretching the truth, but after how stupid my test was i understand.

i ended up autofailing bcz it was a two lane (same direction) parking lot where there were signs and cones saying one side was for the road test & one was for regular vechicles EXCEPT FOR ONE VERY SMALL AREA ONLY AT THE BEGINNING. but then she proceeded to make me continue on and do a parallel park, making me assume i didnt do anything wrong, and then have me circle back to the beginning and THEN fail me.

not only that, but she.. lied? about me not using my blinker when either going in or leaving the park????? which i straight up did do????? 🥲

[toastsnaffler]

some of my coworkers are the realest. one of my assays has been a bitch lately and one of the guys was like "maybe you've just discovered a secret assay technique that makes it have higher activity" thank u for assuming I'm never wrong abt anything ever. as u should 🙏

[vulcanette]

work interruptions again this morning so I did indeed take out the humidifier and descale it, scrape any remnants of calcium, soak the new humidifier demineralization tablet 🤣 and set it all up. And now I can finally breathe again ♥️🤣🤣 crispy fresh air

[ii-zi]

Love how obvious it is when something trends organically vs bot activity just looking at the trending tab

[mantomhive]

i’ve officially been writing, and m̶o̶s̶t̶l̶y̶ rewriting the same unpublished fanfic for ten years this month...................................................................

[stuffedeggplants]

I am tentatively planning a summer trip to Sweden if everything works out. There are some national parks I want to visit and camp at for a few days, but I will be travelling completely alone and do not have extensive camping experience, so I’m unsure of whether I should actually visit certain parks just for general wilderness safety reasons. And initially I thought I would bring a camera, sketchbook, and some other things on the trip, but now I’m thinking that the logistics of dragging anything but a compact backpack across the mountains of Scandinavia would not be an optimal experience. 

Lots to plan. There’s also so much to do that I will have nowhere near enough time to see everything I want to see.

[cloneboywonder]

I looked at my dads phone today bc I’m nosy and he was texting a guy abt fobbie tickets and he started it with “my daughter is the biggest fallout boy fan in the world !!!!!” Like I’m literally going to cry I’m so glad me and my dad love each other again :-(

[vegaseatsass]

Just finished Beyond Evil. I can say with conviction that this drama contained the absolute most craziest intricate rituals to touch another man's skin that I've ever seen. Like normally I'm not that into AUs but I would read a million Beyond Evil AUs just to see authors try to capture whatever the fuck was going on between LDS and HJW in new settings.

"You PROMISED you would replace our coffee grinder that burns people but gets the job done with a fancy latte maker! You betrayed the customers, you betrayed me, I thought I meant something to you, I thought we HAD SOMETHING."

A year later, after defeating the evil corporate coffee conglomerate headed up by Han Ki-Hwan "You're - you're installing a fancy latte maker? Now? When I thought we could celebrate-grieve together? But WHY? WHY DO WE NEED A LATTE MAKER?? The customers are fine with the coffee grinder that burns them!! As long as you stay here in this coffee shop with it!! As long as this thing between us doesn't have to end...."

[galaxywhale]

my friend is aware I might be kinda sad when we hang out on the weekend and she told me “I don’t care if you’re sad” and then immediately tried to backtrack bc wait no shit I don’t mean like that lmao but also it was very nice to hear her basically say you can be sad around me and I’m ok with that and you’re not being a burden in any way <3

[penname-artist]

The other day I observed something I hadn't looked at in a bit: my old 'Emergency' series. It was finished a while back, at the end of 2021. And something I realized, while going through it and reposting chapters to Wattpad (just to say it's available in multiple places), is that the me who wrote it was...very different from the me looking at it today.

Specifically, I was a very angry person before I finished that series.

I was mad at the world and at God for a lot of things. A lot of losses, a lot of mistakes. In a sense, Emergency was the fic that I poured my heart into to drain it of those emotions. I grieved through writing a series. And since I've finished it, I haven't written nearly anything quite so dark. Smuttier, definitely, but never anything quite so big, or so painful. Let me remind you that Emergency is a series that includes character murder, other character death, kidnapping, characters bleeding out, active shooters, ghosts, possession, and a lot of extremely emotion-heavy scenes. It was a swan song of its time, but it was no lighthearted story. I dropkicked my grief into it, and it does show.

Which is what makes the separation between the then and now so weird to me.

I do still grieve my losses and my missteps, but not nearly as often, and not nearly as strong. They happen more often like waves, not like whole storms. Even right now, I already know as we barrel through July that I'm getting closer and closer to a time period full of heavy reminders: that it's been two years now since I was forced to remove myself from a server and group of people I was unable to be around safely anymore. Two years is a lot of time, and it still feels like I blinked and it was all gone. So yeah it's going to get heavy again, I'm almost certain that it will, but, somehow, I know I'm going to get through it. I've gotten through every other anniversary date so far, in the threeish years since my first major incident occurred.

Fics still poke through that you can tell have a heavy emphasis on my emotional state. It's one of the best and safest ways I've found to feel my emotions without the need for someone to hear me through it. Emotions are messy, and I don't like leaving them in the hands of others if I can help it. But through the metaphors of Blade and Nick going through a breakup, or Cabbie finishing the job of a horrible person in his childhood, or running away to a new life and a new beginning on a train car, there is a sense of draining those remaining heavy emotions and clearing out the dust and clutter to make room for more important things, and it's helped me immensely to regulate myself in a healthier way.

I'm not the person I was a few years ago, and I'm continuing to grow and change and toss out a few more old things. And I know I have proof of that growth, too. I deleted old messages, songs, poems of 2021. I got rid of some reblogged posts I didn't want to keep up anymore. I reworked my strategies and I'm using a whole manner of effective blocking measures, and trying to learn some better coping mechanisms when I come across names or faces or triggers or anything that will eat at me if I let it. And Emergency is finished. My God that fic is finished. I don't even want to look at it anymore because it's like a time capsule lost to time, it's so messy I would never have the time nor energy to readapt it to the present. It's okay, I've got a lot of new things that are coming out that have just as much significance for their own time periods.

Anyways thank you for indulging with me in this self-reflective spiel of mine. If you've been around for any number of time you've probably grown used to me doing these lol. They're fun to make and discuss. Human adaption and internal evolution is so wild. And it's so cool to observe.

So yeah there's all that. Have a good Thursday folks, and til the morrow.

[grapesodatozier]

the experience of being a st fan on tumblr who doesn’t have any strong feelings past “yeah he’s cool I like him” about steve eddie or will is a little funny ngl. not a negative experience but it is a little bit like opening a bag of candy and the bag is just like 80% orange and grape. like yeah okay that’s good but like can I get some more cherry and lemon and lime please like I only really want a little bit of orange and grape I’m glad the people who like orange and grape are having fun but there’s only like two thoughtful pieces about mike and nancy and el cherry pieces in here and it would be cool to have some more. and then you have to make your own homemade cherry candy which is fun and rewarding and I can appreciate the love and hard work that went into making the orange and the grape candies but sometimes you just wanna open the bag to some cherry already there yknow