#anyway a shame the longest post is some vent thing

[aceteling]

I posted 4,042 times in 2022

That's 94 more posts than 2021!

123 posts created (3%)

3,919 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ayakashibackstreet

@treecakes

@junecsea

@mihai-florescu

@olivemeister

I tagged 2,284 of my posts in 2022

Only 43% of my posts had no tags

#enstars - 409 posts

#vanitas no carte - 220 posts

#idolish7 - 215 posts

#hunter x hunter - 114 posts

#domi talks - 96 posts

#the untamed - 88 posts

#mp100 - 81 posts

#pokemon - 77 posts

#tgcf - 62 posts

#eurovision - 56 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i dont want to be selfish but she says selfish when she rly means 'you should spend your entire day doing productive things around the hous

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

coloured my sketch from yesterday!! *clenches fist* It’s the childhood friends trope that gets me everytime

commission info!!

38 notes - Posted September 23, 2022

#4

random things about IDOLiSH7 i absolutely adore and it makes i7 one of the best shows i’ve watched (not kidding)

the ensemble cast is likeable, very well-written, noone feels left behind by the narrative or unexplored. you really grow to love all the characters, understand them. The character development blows you away; they all feel three-dimensional, all have their own stories to tell. They feel like real people

great music, and of great variety, too! at first you think you’re in for generic idol tunes, but even the main group, whose sound is the most ‘typical cheery idol’ type, branches out into different directions later

amazing storytelling and direction - the anime makes great use of various angles, as well as music to help convey feelings on screen; it definitely improves overtime, too.

drama, so much of it but it all feels very much justified, there isn’t drama just for the sake of drama. It alignes perfectly with the show’s themes, explores the highs and lows of the idol industry, as well as relationships between the characters.

the stories connect in unexpected ways... and then you realize the foreshadowing was already there! it’s very clever and satisfying

there’s so much love in it! the love in universe that characters have for each other, the love their fans give them; the love that emanates from the studio, the staff, the director... it’s all about love

there’s way more but I would combust if I started to explain it all. the point is - so many people in the western fandom spaces seem to dismiss i7 as yet another idol show (funnily enough it’s so huge in Japan), which has its perks (we’re all just here in our small corner), but it really is not doing justice to this great show. it’s so good... ahhh i love IDOLiSH7 I love it so much

52 notes - Posted October 19, 2022

#3

commission info!!

COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN!

heyy, the inflation in Poland has been making it really hard to make ends meet and I’m jobless right now so I’m opening commissions! If you’re interested please contact me via PM or e-mail; all the info is shown above on my lovely boy Aira Shiratori but I’ll write the prices once again under the read more to make things easier - there are also art examples there!

SKETCH:

head/bust: 5$

half body: 6$

full body: 7$

LINEART:

head/bust: 7$

half body: 8$

full body: 9$

FLAT COLOUR:

head/bust: 9$

half body: 10$

full body: 11$

FULL COLOUR+SIMPLE SHADING:

head/bust: 11$

half body: 12$

full body: 13$

ART EXAMPLES:

See the full post

98 notes - Posted July 22, 2022

#2

I'll give you everything I have

I'll teach you everything I know

I promise I'll do better

I will always hold you close

But I will learn to let you go

I promise I'll do better

Light by Sleeping at Last

boy it’s been a while.

commission info!

184 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

💕happy satogou day!! 3/15💕

318 notes - Posted March 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[numbknee]

I posted 481 times in 2022

That's 480 more posts than 2021!

31 posts created (6%)

450 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@victimized-martyr

@wxtchofthewxlds

@moondiamonddust

@sunny-cyrus

@angryushankas

I tagged 324 of my posts in 2022

Only 33% of my posts had no tags

#kyman - 11 posts

#no thoughts only kyman - 9 posts

#ask - 9 posts

#kyman-core - 9 posts

#anon - 7 posts

#sp kyman - 5 posts

#south park - 4 posts

#numbknee writes - 3 posts

#screaming crying throwing up - 3 posts

#i am looking 👀👀👀👀 - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#he’s like ‘no one wants to hear us talk for 20 mins straight’ like uh sir???? yes we do???? that’s why we are listening to the commentary!!

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

just had a vision of cartman singing heart boner by nsp to kyle at their wedding and beforehand he’s like “this is a song by a beautiful Jew... but not nearly as beautiful as THE JEW I JUST MARRIED!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU KYLE” and then he belts it out with his beautiful tenor voice and fucking kills the performance. many in attendance are scandalized by the crude lyrics, though most people there are either confused or laughing their asses off. it’s also a weirdly touching song and kyle loves it asdjfkldsjf. stan is already drunk by that point in the night so he actually tears up a little when cartman hits the long high note and kenny pisses himself from laughing too hard

33 notes - Posted September 6, 2022

#4

HOW DO YOU DO FELLOW KYMANS?? please I beg u…. this fic is making me insane I need someone to share my suffering

anyway here have some out-of-context memes from the fic under the cut:

chapter 1:

See the full post

47 notes - Posted July 30, 2022

#3

a big part of the reason why I like the idea of cartman being a sub is because it’s SOOO MUCH FUNNIER than him being a dom!!

like here’s this selfish, cruel, horribly bigoted kid who has fucking MURDERED people and is the worst piece of shit on the planet.... but what he secretly wants more than anything in the world is for someone to bend him over a table, yank his hair, call him a slut, and fuck his brains out ajfkldsjfksldjf. it’s the same reason why I loved rabbi cartman in post-covid, because him converting and becoming more involved in the jewish faith than kyle after years of spewing antisemitic bullshit is fucking hilarious compared to like... generic mean CEO cartman

and this counts double in the context of a potential relationship with kyle!! it’s WAY more interesting that he’d want the kid he’s bullied relentlessly do those things to him because he has a secret giant crush on him, all while in complete denial and putting up a sadistic front to cope. it’s completely within his character to play those sort of mind games with himself. 

in the sp documentary “six days to air” trey parker’s main piece of writing advice is to replace ‘ands’ with ‘buts’ or ‘therefores’ because that makes for a better story. so like, “cartman is antisemetic BUT he actually has a crush on kyle. cartman appears to be a sadist BUT he’s secretly a masochist, BUT he’s ashamed of that fact, THEREFORE he puts on a huge front and plays mind games with himself to cover up his true more shameful desires” is more interesting than “cartman is cruel and antisemitic and enjoys hurting people and is a dom” since the only ‘but’ in that scenario is that he’s antisemitic but he likes kyle.

tl;dr cartman is a sub. fight me

57 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

#2

this clip’s been floating around on tumblr recently and matt’s acting made kyle sound SO GODDAMN CUTE, I wanted to see how it sounded with his adult/actual voice lol. the last 20 seconds especially make my heart melt 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

61 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i feel like i’m going fucking insane I was rewatching ‘night of the living homeless’ and there’s that scene of the boys escaping a house and kyle takes cartman’s hands and pulls him up to the vent and my brain just goes

like it was such a minor interaction but at this point my shipping goggles are GLUED to my FUCKING FACE 😭

79 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bloodthirstymoonstone]

Square One (ooc ramble)

So I thought I’d make a quick post talking about my continued journey into getting my Spicy Mental Health™ treated and how all that’s going. TLDR, I may have isolated the problem as to my noticeable decline with attention span over the past year or year and a half, but the good thing is that there’s probably a very easy way to fix it! Which is definitely good to know!

It gets pretty long winded and vent-y, too, though, so be warned. This is just a Real Ass Scoot Moment With Scoot Being Real, so keep that in mind.

So here’s a realization I made quite recently about my medication. For the longest time (I’m talking nearly 10 years or so) I assumed I didn’t have ADD, I just had anxiety and depression which was mimicking those symptoms. I believed this strongly, and for years despite getting legitimately diagnosed back in middle school (I think I was 13), before my anxiety diagnosis when I was 16. I think this is due in part to a REALLY BAD reaction to the drug Ritalin, which is notorious for making you feel like you’ve drank 10 coffees all at once. I honestly think that experience traumatized me so badly I truly thought I just didn’t have ADD at all.

I also probably believed this, in part, due to the anxiety medication I was on later, which did a great deal more to helping my condition. I won’t say which ones I was on because that would be TMI, but when I moved to Boston in 2016, I was on three different medications to treat my anxiety and depression. One was ancient and I’d been on it since I was first diagnosed back in 2009. One that was prescribed later when my Rock Bottom™ years started (I’m guessing 2011-2012). And then one I got at the tail end of my Rock Bottom™ years, in March of 2014. That last one might have been the one that Defeated The Evil and go the monkey of rampant, unchecked depression off my back for good, as well as a few key lifestyle changes.

Sometime when I moved here, I got a psychiatrist that, in retrospect, was fucking terrible for me. She barely listened to me at all, would shut me down when I came up with solutions she didn’t like, and ultimately discouraged me so much that I stopped doing anything more than going to her to get refills, and totally stopped going to therapy all together. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my problems anymore, including her, because it was just so discouraging going to her about anything that she tainted the whole process for me. She shamed me for my weight, for not being social and making friends in a city and a part of the country I was totally unfamiliar with, and just never ever seemed to listen to me.

The most egregious case of this is when she fucked with my medication. Remember that list I just gave on the three types of meds I was on when I moved up here? Yeah, now I’m just on the last one. She took me off of the first two in 2016 (I think? Maybe it was 2017 -- my memory is shit), completely against my wishes, and she went totally cold turkey with it, too. I went to her, telling her that I ran out of those two maybe 10 days or so ago and though I wasn’t experiencing any withdrawal symptoms yet, but I’d really like to get back on the combination that had already taken me so far, and she literally refused. Saying “Oh, well, you’ve been off them both for so long already, so let’s see how it goes. I really don’t think you need to be on that much.”

It struck me as weird and panic inducing, even then, but she was adamant about it, saying that she didn’t want to risk me getting Serotonin Syndrome from taking so much medication for depression at once. Which, alright, fair enough, but she didn’t even try to ween me off of them. She just cut me off. But I trusted her judgement as a professional and certainly didn’t want to get sick or even die from taking too much medication, so I listened to her. And I never had a huge, unprompted depressive episode, so hey, maybe things were alright! 

There’s a catch though. The second drug I was introduced to, approximately in 2011? Remember that? Yeah, guess what. I did my own research recently and came to find out that it’s also been known to aid significantly in patients that have ADD but don’t want to be put on stimulants like Ritalin. Because if you have anxiety as well as ADD, it makes you painfully aware of that racing heart sensation. For the past 2+ years, I’ve felt my attention span slipping in ways I couldn’t understand or control, all because someone who didn’t really know me (remember, I’d only moved to this region a few short months before I even saw her) decided to play God with my life and not listen to my totally justifiable fears. 

I feel like all that time, all those abandoned threads and plot ideas, all the shit that I blamed myself for because I just couldn’t understand why it was so hard to pay attention suddenly!!! Is all her fault. I listened to everything she told me to do and then got so conditioned to never questioning her or talking to her about my problems anymore, that I didn’t even raise the difficulties I was having that were adversely affecting my life for what seemed at the time to be no reason at all. I feel cheated and angry. I might have cried a little bit when I realized it. 

The good news in this is that, 1) I don’t have her as a psychiatrist anymore THANK GOD. Last I heard, I think she was leaving the practice (probably because she was treating other patients as terribly as she was treating me), but she’s definitely no longer with the business I frequent. I’ve only met with my new psychiatrist once, and he already seems so much more kind than her, and I’m grateful for him. And 2) getting back on the medication that I was yanked off of should be an easy enough process. I really just have to talk to my new guy and tell him what I want. I’m not interested in going back on the first, because afaik, it wasn’t doing much for me anyways, and maybe serotonin syndrome actually is a problem I should be worried about taking all three at once. But at least I’ll have the two that helped get me through Job Corps and the most stressful move of my life helping me out again.

More than that, I’ve started going to therapy again, and that’s a huge relief as well. I miss my old therapist, but she seems to have moved to another office of the same company that’s slightly further away, but I love the new woman I go to see. She’s so friendly and easy to talk to, and she’s also from out of town, so we get to crack jokes about New England Drivers™, which is always fun, lol. More than that, she’s helped me see that there are good qualities to me instead of All The Things I Want To Fix, like my creativity, sense of humor, and passion for caring about and defending my friends and those I care deeply about. 

If we’re being honest, when I look back at these past years, it still kind of hurts. I can see quite clearly the break where my dwindling attention span started impacting my life and my presence in the RP community (technically it happened before I went indie, which means you guys have been dealing with 2 Braincell Scoot this whole time... My deepest apologies), and how it just kept getting worse and how frustrated I was with myself and things I couldn’t change about it. 

But that’s also the good thing about all this. I can and will get better, hopefully sooner rather than later, and I hope you guys will be around to reap the benefits. I love you guys, and hopefully I’ll be able to get to some replies soon! Either on this blog or any of the three others. 

[dyingunknown-blog]

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity,  sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long. 

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh. 

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3 

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.” 

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on. 

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart: 

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality. 

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not?  Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church??? 

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused. 

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.)  I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion.  It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.” 

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.” 

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but  the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it. 

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.)  I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to  tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis:  I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

 In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred. 

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before. 

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

 Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.) 

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me. 

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.