#anyway gay people going out for brunch

[nyaagolor]

How do you rank the prosecutors on order of homophobia

forgot about this in my drafts for literally months oops. Anyway. Finished now!!!!

So I made this post a while ago that has some of the prosecutors and antagonists, but if you want a ranking of EVERY prosecutor (not including DGS bc i haven't finished yet) huzzah!!

Simon Blackquill: Not actually homophobic but he gets points docked for siccing Taka (known homophobe) at Klavier (known bisexual) for stealing his pretzels from the office pantry that one time. 3/10

Blaise Debeste: I think he's gay but he made me look at that ugly ass beard for far too long and I consider that disrespectful. out of principle? 8/10

Sebastian Debeste: Just look at him. 0/10

Miles Edgeworth: Bratworth was simultaneously gay, homophobic, and a misogynist, and eventually develops into a man who is only like 1.5 of those things. he's getting better. 5/10

Byrne Faraday: I don't really think he cares much about gay people he's busy being a single father and stealing shit. For the apathy? 2/10

Klavier Gavin: He's extremely gay and does a lot of work for the gay community but making Ema Skye deal with him is explicitly lesbophobic so 4/10

Godot: He has a lovely wife but whatever he was doing with Ron DeLite was probably not osha-compliant. I don't know what that means for his sexuality or stance on gay people and neither does he. ?/10

Ga'ran: I think she has a lot of other problems she should deal with first but considered she's bigoted to defense attorneys I don't think her being homophobic would be that out of pocket. Not sure I want to find out. 7/10

Neil Marshall: Have you ever been a gay bar? This guy would do NUMBERS. Also, real cowboys support gay rights. 0/10

Gaspen Payne: Being homophobic is actually why he got fired by the prosecutor's office and Winston is really fucking embarrassed about it. 10/10

Winston Payne: You'd think he'd be homophobic but you can't work for the Japanifornia Prosecutor's Office and hate gay people or you would actually go insane. He's like that one suburban guy who uses terms from the 60s but has the spirit. However, his ally lapel pin is really ugly so 3/10

Jaques Portman: He was calling Edgeworth slurs even before realizing he was gay. 9/10

Lana Skye: Dated Mia in college but refused to explain that to Ema because she has a lot of internalized homophobia and other weird issues of self. Repressed yuri personified. 1/10

Nahyuta Sahdmadhi: He supports gay people but gets all his talking points from the internet so even though he's supportive he's also incredibly fucking annoying about it and no one wants to invite him to brunch because of it. Stop using twitter for fact-checking you jackass. 2/10

Franziska Von Karma: Despite the fact that her lesbianism is so strong it borders on misandry, I think she has a lot of internalized homophobia so she spends the first 25 years of her life being a judgmental little shit. She'll get better dw about it. I believe she can bring that number down with time. 6/10

Manfred Von Karma: I think when he finds out Edgeworth is gay he starts going to gay bars and picking up dudes just to show Edgeworth he has way more rizz than him. Considering how people in my notes have told me on numerous occasions how much they want him carnally, I think he could actually pull it off. In that respect I think he's done a lot for the gay community. It ends up cancelling out somewhat because I think he'd be kind of an ass about it. 4/10

[steddieas-shegoes]

i'm coming out

for @corrodedcoffinfest prompt 'pride'

rated t | 880 words | no cw | tags: coming out, bisexual king gareth, side steddie

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

Gareth hated to admit it, but he was jealous.

He was jealous of Steve still being able to hide under the radar enough that he could go to gay clubs and pride events without anyone batting an eye. He was jealous of Eddie being out publicly, not having to keep any part of his life a secret except for what he truly wanted to. And he was jealous of his own boyfriend, Sam, for not even having to worry about how the public would react if they knew he was gay.

"I just think it sounds like you want to come out," he said over the phone. "If Eddie can, why can't you?"

"It's not that easy!" Gareth argued, though he wasn't really sure how to back that argument up. It was that easy. Nobody in the band would care if he decided to come out, and most of the fans would be fine with it if they went off their reaction to Eddie coming out.

"Why not?" Sam asked, calm in Gareth's chaos.

"Because if people don't like Eddie, it can be for any number of reasons. He's loud, or a nerd, or too hyper. If they don't like me, it's definitely just because I like men." Gareth had never actually acknowledged that thought before, but here he was, saying it out loud on the phone to his boyfriend. "I don't want people to hate me."

"Baby..." Sam started. He sighed. "It's your choice. You know I would never pressure you to do anything you aren't ready for. But it does sound like the only person who is holding you back is you."

Gareth didn't feel like talking about it more, but Sam let him change the subject and the rest of the conversation went fine.

"Think about it, Gare," Sam said as they hung up.

That's all he did for days. He saw countless posts about pride events in the cities they were stopping in on the tour, Eddie even made an appearance at a drag brunch and left VIP tickets for the performers to come to Corroded Coffin's show that night. He thought about being able to be a part of the community in the way he knew he could be.

"Ed?" He asked right before they all went to bed.

"Yeah?" Eddie was typing out a text on his phone, probably some long and romantic and disgusting ode to Steve.

"You're going to the parade in Boston right?"

Eddie looked up from his phone, brows furrowing. "Yeah, why?"

"Mind if I come with you?"

"You're always welcome, you know that." Eddie smiled. "You coming as an ally or as the 'B' in LGBTQIA+?"

"I think I'm gonna come as me."

****

He didn't tell Sam what he was doing, figured he would have time between getting back to the tour bus and when news started hitting.

He forgot that Sam tracked alerts on Twitter for him.

His phone started ringing the moment he hit the end of the parade route.

"Hey, love," Gareth couldn't stop smiling. He'd never felt like he belonged here quite like he did today. "All okay?"

"I'm so fuckin' proud of you." Sam's smile was evident in his voice. "You could've given me a little warning though. Seeing 20 notifications pop up at once is a bit terrifying."

"Sorry. Wanted to surprise you. Did you like my shirt?" Gareth looked down at the shirt he was wearing.

"You mean the "ask me about my boyfriend" with a bi pride flag shirt? Yeah, I'd like a matching one as soon as possible."

"Yeah?"

They both laughed as Gareth found a small corner of the alley they'd stopped in to be alone.

"I can't wait to kiss you. This is the hottest thing you've ever done."

"What about that time I fucked you against my drum set?" Gareth asked with a smirk.

"Okay. The second hottest thing you've ever done. Still don't know how you had the strength to hold most of my weight for that long," Sam sounded like his thoughts were drifting to the memory of that day. "Anyway! I don't wanna keep you from having fun. But call me later."

"Okay, babe. Wish you were here," Gareth said softly. "Miss you."

"Miss you too. But only three weeks until you're home."

"Feels like forever."

"Dramatic." Sam laughed. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too. If you see me getting drunk in a gay bar later, no you don't."

"I'd buy you a drink if I was there."

"Three weeks."

"21 days."

"You two are disgusting." Eddie yelled from a few feet away.

Sam laughed and said goodbye as Gareth walked over to Eddie.

"Not any more disgusting than you and Steve," he grumbled. "At least Steve comes with you for most of the tour."

"Can you imagine if he didn't? The world would end."

Gareth rolled his eyes. "Uh huh. Drinks?"

"Drinks!" Eddie threw his arms up and started running down the block, ignoring the yells of people recognizing him as he made his way to the bar they'd already chosen.

Gareth followed, unable to wipe the smile from his face. He was out, and maybe he'd have to do it more officially later on, but for now, this was enough.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

A few months back I was chatting with @bengiyo when the subject of queer cinema came up (unsurprising considering…ya know, the whole being BL buddies thing). As a semi-recent queerness realizer, and a Certified Baby Gay(™), Ben took it upon himself to share a post between himself and @shortpplfedup that inspired @the-conversation-pod and which also included a Completely Hypothetical Queer Cinema Syllabus Build Up to BL for Baby Gays. According to @bengiyo this started as a thought experiment. 

But, unfortunately or…fortunately? for him, I constantly crave queer media, and @waitmyturtles and her Old GMMTV Challenge have inspired me to try my hand at working my way through this syllabus. I cannot guarantee that I will finish all these films. I have no idea how long it would even take, but I wanted to at least try! 

I have been saying I would do this for months now, but I am inundated with BL content, and getting more every day, so I have been pushing it to the side. BUT! This evening a local movie theater played The Birdcage (1996) and I went and bought tickets and decided now was as good a time as any to get this started, I am hoping to take a page out of Turtle’s book and write notes/thoughts on the movies I end up watching. Forgive me the long winded introduction, but I figured some context would be nice if this ends up being a thing I stick with. So without further ado…

The Birdcage (1996) [Comedy]

Syllabus Unit 6: Gems

Summary: A gay cabaret owner and his drag queen companion agree to put up a false straight front so that their son can introduce them to his fiancée's right-wing moralistic parents. 

Characters:  Armand: Gay cabaret owner, played by Robin Williams  Arnold: Drag queen partner, played by Nathan Lane Val: Armand’s son, played by Dan Futterman Agador: Armand and Arnold's maid? friend? live in slutty pool boy? played by Hank Azaria Katharine: Val's biological mother, played by Christine Baranski

Overall Reflection

This is a film I had never seen before. Hell, I didn’t even know it existed until around the time Ben shared his syllabus, and someone reblogged a scene from it that ended up on my dashboard. This was an interesting film to experience in theaters, because while watching with an audience made the funny bits funnier, there were also moments that I absolutely did not read as funny that other people did, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. 

This film is set primarily in South Beach, Florida and partly in a drag club, which meant that the only thing I could think about whenever the drag club was on screen was Palace, the gay bar, drag brunch, queer club spot in Miami. On the other funny casual note, as a Floridian I feel seen by the moment where Katharine calls and says she’s going to be late, and it zooms out to show she is stuck at the bridge. Real. 

I feel like the majority of gay media I have consumed in my life very much centers around two very masculine characters. So it was really nice to watch a story that involved more femme characters, and that the femme characters were not left as the butt of the joke. Which I recognize might be ironic considering this is a comedy and therefore there are jokes abound. But, when you compare the femme character in something like Legally Blonde, to the femme characters here, they are allowed to be dramatic, and they are allowed to trip and fall, but the love that Armand has for Arnold is palpable, they squabble and they get annoyed at each other, and they hurt each other, but they are partners, and they love each other too, and it shows throughout the film. 

This sounds fucked up, I guess, but I love the undercurrent of pain that is threaded throughout the story. The way that Val starts off seeming like he is very content with the way he grew up, the parents that he had. The way that Val feels so so loved by his Dads, and he hurts them anyway. Because he is scared, because he loves Barbara and he knows that she is good, and that her parents aren’t, and that he has to hide his family. But in making them hide who they are, he is hurting them and at first you can see and feel the ways that Armand is trying to rebel against it. You can tell that initially he is angry, disappointed, upset, incredulous:

“Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.”

gifs by @hellboys

It is one of my favorite lines in the film. Because Val needs to be called out on exactly what he is asking his father to do for him. Because Armand's pain is visceral in this moment. But Armand loves his son and so eventually he relents. 

Arnold’s presence and importance in Val’s life are constantly disregarded and he is allowed to be upset, and Armand is allowed to constantly put his son’s engagement and wedding in jeopardy to prioritize his partner and his partner’s feelings, because Arnold is a part of this family, and to hide him away is unfair. 

I certainly had to grapple with some complicated emotions around the character of Val. I could understand where he was coming from, that he loves his fiancee and that their families have to meet, and that it is almost certainly physically safer for everyone if his parents are not visibly and obviously queer around the ultra conservative moralist senator. But the ways he ends up exhibiting casual disdain, anxiety, and judgment around the aspects of his parents’ home, his parents’ friends, his parents’ themselves makes me kinda hate him a little bit. It is hard for me not to see Val as entitled, not to consider him low-key dickish, because of how frequently he seems to get annoyed and disappointed that Armand and Arnold are not acting straight enough, that their house isn’t straight enough, that their family isn’t straight enough. But the film does not shy away from the mental toll it takes. 

Were there aspects of the film itself I didn’t like? Honestly, not really. There are some jokes and terminology that do not fully stand the test of time, so if I watch it with a modern lens I think I would give it a 9.5. If I watch it in the context of the time it was written, I would probably give it a 9.8. But watching it in theaters certainly altered the way I engaged in certain scenes. 

Mostly with the “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking dressed like this, I’m even more obvious” scene. 

gif by @rosalie-starfall

Because people in the theater were laughing during this moment. Which is not to say I am judging them, I’m not mad at them for finding the moments leading up to that scene funny. I can understand how Arnold constantly having to catch himself and change his body language could come off as funny. But there is a weight to that scene for me that made the laughter feel incongruous. It is, in my opinion, an incredibly impactful scene. And it was hard for me to fully embrace that moment the way I know I would have if I was alone, after I realized that not everyone reads that scene as a serious one. 

(Side Note: When I was looking for pictures of the movie poster, I found three different versions of it, and I chose the one above because it was the most intriguing to me in the way it presents Arnold. Because it is the only one of the posters that puts Arnold in a suit.)

The other moment, that I think I would have had a stronger response to if I was alone, was the moment near the end where Val takes off Arnold’s wig and introduces Arnold as his mother.

gif by @nicholasbritel

If I had watched this scene alone, I think there is a very high likelihood I would have gotten teary eyed during that moment. Because Val has spent so much time throughout this film trying to hide Arnold away. Wanting to send him off for the evening so they didn’t have to worry, trying to replace him with his biological mother, who he had never really met just for the sake of maintaining appearances. 

Arnold LOVES Val. It is glaringly obvious from the first moment they share a screen that to Arnold, that is his kid. And I cannot imagine what it must have felt like for Arnold to literally have his every move critiqued and criticized for acceptable levels of gayness by his son and his partner. To feel unwanted by his son and his partner. To feel replaced by his son and his partner. He deserves to see and hear his son choose him, to know that Val considers Arnold his parent. Especially when Val’s biological mother is standing right there. 

And as for the comedy aspect of this movie? I mean, it’s Robin WIlliams and Nathan Lane so it is obviously going to be a truly hilarious film all the way through.

gif by @argentinosaurus

Where does it fall in my By, For, About Queers Categorization? 

For and About 

Any piece of media that places queer characters at the center of it is something I would categorize as “About Queers” 

As far as I can tell, the writers and director are not queer. I consider films to be made By Queers when a queer person has a role in controlling how the story unfolds, usually this means a writer or director for me, actors too if they have any influence  over changing the story. (As an example, The Last of Us Episode 3 would be something that I would place in a By Queers category because Murray Bartlet who played Frank is gay and also was consulted to shape the way the characters were written and the story played out.) While Nathan Lane is gay, and I am sure a number of actors who play side characters are as well, I do not know how much influence they had over the film itself. Which is why I am currently excluding it from the By Queers categorization. 

And as for the For Queers aspect? That moment where Arnold appears in a suit and tie before the dinner party, where he appears so much more obviously gay when he’s in “masculine clothes” that is written for the people who understand. The undercurrent of pain I mentioned, that exists to be recognized by the people who understand. Also, I watched this at the movie theater and I saw what kind of crowd it drew lmfao. 

Favorite moment in the film? 

Well, I could go sappy with it and pick one of the scenes I referenced above, but I would be lying. My absolute, hands down, no contest favorite moment in this film was seeing Agador in this cropped tank top: 

gif by @thevelvetgoldmine

Now, I know that Ben told me that the Units could be done in any order, but I think I want to start from Unit 1 and work my way through from there, so stay tuned for a write-up about Pariah (2011) from Unit 1: Coming of Age Post Moonlight.

[puritanpansies]

Tell me what's wrong with the musical of your choice!

hm... here’s one i usually try to restrain my complaining about, lest i bring the wrath of a thousand furious sondheim fans upon my head!

company. fucking company.

“but nixe!” i hear y’all cry. “are you not moved by one of your favorite musical DILFs, raúl esparza, and his iconic performance of being alive at the 2007 tony awards?” of course i am. obviously. i’m not a *monster*.

and i like sondheim, generally! i love assassins and i love sweeney todd and i love west side story and i tolerate certain concepts presented within into the woods!

but that does not change the fact that company is Lit Fic: The Musical. truly, company is what i think of when people complain about the kinds of navel-gazey books they think english professors write. call me dumb, call me easily entertained, call me the plague that brought the megamusical into being. but, for the love of the gods, i need something to HAPPEN on the stage before me. i need EVENTS and OCCURRENCES. it doesn’t have to be a chandelier dropping or a helicopter taking off. but the thought of sitting in a theater for nearly three hours while a bunch of disaffected 30-somethings hash out their commitmentphobia and relationship issues in front of me gives me hives. if i wanted that i could go eavesdrop at any given brunch spot in west hollywood on a sunday morning and it would still cost me less than a ticket to company.

i conclude with this daniel lavery classic.

Jeremy, The Handsome Gay Man Who Didn’t Want To Get Lunch With Anyone Oooh It’s Me, Shan’t Jeremy Everybody Doesn’t Like Being Married Or Having Lunch But We’ll Do It Anyways

[bunnygirl678]

I haven't told y'all about this yet, but a few weeks ago I went to this LGBT+ (they used whatever the hell the official acronym is) mixer.

This was like the first mixer type event i've been to since i had my kid, so i wasn't really in my element, anyway i'm sitting screwing around on my phone nursing my pinot grigio (because i'm not 22 anymore and i get hungover now) and this younger girl comes up, she must've been around 19-21,

Instead of introducing herself she goes, "what are your pronouns?"

I look up and am like, 'what?' again she asks, 'what are your pronouns?' Then she adds hers, which were her/they, like i don't even know her name nor does she know mine.

So after a few more counts i finally answer, 'i'm bunny (used my real name lol) and i guess she/her? what's your name?'

She tells me her name and then immediately asks my sexuality.

I tell her i'm bi, and she gets this look on her face, now a quick note about me, i'm older, i've known my sexuality since like 2008, when i first came out i got the 'gah you're such a whore just pick one' so that's what i was expecting.

instead this kid goes, 'oh that's transphobic.' at this point i started to regret coming to this event, deciding that i'm too old and too out of touch with everything related to sexuality/gender. I start draining my drink so i have an excuse to go to the bar,

I ask 'how is that transphobic, i don't care if someone is trans?'

and she tells me i need to be pansexual and be willing to date any gender.

so i went from being told i was too much of a whore to being told i wasn't enough of a whore lmao.

then she asked me about my romantic tastes, and i was super confused again cause i just told her i was bi and she told me that wasn't right.

i ended up politely leaving saying i wanted to go get another drink,

i sat at the bar for a few minutes trying to decide if i should just go home or not, when some older gay guys came in, we ended up striking a conversation about it, and they were like no this is a younger kid thing, don't worry about it.

i ended up staying and having some fun, got brunch with the older gay men the next day (several of them were accountants so we got on really well lol)

it was just a baffling experience, i'm going to the next mixer, but only talking to the older people lol

i guess the moral of this story is... i'm old and haven't really thought about my sexuality since middle school?

like i have trans friends? I just don't get it... Maybe it's because i'm cis, but it just seems really strange to initiate a conversation irl with what your pronouns are? I get it on the internet, but like at least tell me your name first?

[enfieldtennisacademy]

i have spent the last two weeks in my childhood bedroom where i was molested and i have grown so manic depressive that i seriously believe i could peel my skin off like a boiled apple. "honor leave ur room go do something" okaaaay i will and then i immediately face the bridge troll of this overblown doublewide trailer... the patron saint of hebephilia who wants to be my bestttt frieeendddd even though ive made it so fucking clear i want nothing to do with him. i am truthfully waiting for him to die. make it past that hurtle and then get in my car with my suspended license and then drive around aimlessly because i do not know one person in this town. sometimes i get a canned water or melatonin from the store. and then i return home and get high or drink

got insanely fucked up a few days ago to escape the fucking evil that plagues this house and my walls but the whole time my mind just tallied up every single horrible thing that's happened in my life. i was so scared shaking and shit but my brain couldn't stop. it was like a powerpoint presentation and each slide was increasingly more intense and i cant even remember it now as i sit here to ""blog"" about it. i think sometimes i daywalk as someone who is very normal but then i consider how upside down my entire life has been since i was a little blonde child. like how do i just push this aside and do normal things like spin classes and road trips and a 9 to 5 when the basis of my bones are made out of horrible freak show occurances that not even my brain can remember? how am i supposed to make dinner for my husband and kids one day when this is how my brain and body functions? ill be standing at the stove pondering every single time i was torn to shreds and then have to face some cute fat kids and try and separate their world from that one. like i dont even know if theres a book to help with that......

like im not shy about how fucking tortured i am. my friends know exactly who i am and what has made me into the strange erratic doll they know and love to kick. i dont know how many times i'm going to cry to the point im hyperventilating and vomiting while people stare at me like a horse with a broken leg. eventually i will grow tired of being a strange facet ppl need to avoid eye contact with. or worse......... a spectacle to gossip about for 2.0 seconds over white gay male brunch. i wear my heart on my sleeve, which can be VERY embarrassing sometimes, but my life isnt a secret. everyone knows ive been preyed on and touched on and beat down. but i think ppl are so afraid of it being "AWKWARD" that they avoid me. they dont want me to start crying or for there to be a lull in the conversation because they dont know what to say in response to my batshit. so they have normal lives and they go to spin class and road trips and 9 to 5s while i get way way worse waiting for someone to rescue me. (rescue me: Be a friend). (Be a friend = chill w me. Be forgiving with my neuroticisms. Hang out and be normal to someone who doesn't get a whole lot of that. You know.)

anyway.......... i am an inchworm away from a total religion-fueled meltdown and turning to the church because i feel so hopeless and i feel like they will coddle me like a powdered little baby. i will at the very least take a text from a school buddy or a walk around the block w someone who hasn't tried to kill me or get me to do it myself. but until then i will continue sprinting on the treadmill and scrolling gaga daily and being haunted by my past until its seriously too much to bare. im gonna jump off the spring breakers bridge fr

[brw]

Also Northstar because I'm predictable 😔

one aspect about them i love – the fact that he was literally a fucking TERRORIST????? like mr byrne WHAT were you cooking. like hmmmm they want me to expand on these random superheroes i made just because we needed them for a wolverine backstory...... i know I'll make one of them a former terrorist! and it's not even subtle or coded before the reveal like the way he's like "never thought i would be going to the parliament without a bomb under my arm" like HELLO?????

one aspect i wish more people understood about them – i do not think he should be a brunch gay idk im very early on in my readthroughs comparatively (mostly bc im scared) but like .... idk i don't get that vibe at all it feels like a default instead of character exploration. also why did he and quicksilver hug that one time im still puzzled abt that. i guess writers seem to make him much nicer than he is n like. no he should be so mean he makes some people cry!!!

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character – he hates social media with a passion but he loves taking selfies at the gym so kyle's phone is almost constantly blowing up with thirst traps that would do numbers on twitter or wherever but it's just one guy getting them, his husband. maybe he uploads incredibly rarely to instagram but gets annoyed with it real quick

one character i love seeing them interact with – so far in my readthrough northstar and any woman he's such a misogynist it's so funny. they should bring that part of his character back bc it's literally so funny. uhm anyway they haven't actually interacted after the alpha flight / xmen comic but him n rogue were so quality they're just good. a good dynamic i hope they hang out soon

one character i wish they would interact with/ interact with more – michael? could not tell you what the dynamic between those two is and i wish they had more going on because it could be an interesting juxtaposition. he could teach michael to go batshit a lil more often perhaps n michael could teach him to be slightly more normal to women i guess

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character – i don't think he remembers snowbird's name .

Give me a character and I will give you my thoughts on...

[jewishtwig]

Shabbat shalom! I'm not sure if you're going to be online between now and Sunday so if I don't see you on the internt until then, have a lovely weekend!

I'm just reaching out anonymously to sort of combined vent-and-ask-for-advice about queer Jewish conversion stuff, since I know you finished your conversion journey recently and might have similar experiences.

Basically, I'm a queer and trans Jew-in-progress with lots of queer friends who live near where I attend synagogue. And we all know that serious Christianity-related religious trauma often comes in a package deal with being queer in a culturally Christian country. You can probably tell where this is going.

My friends are all vocally supportive of my decision to become Jewish, but we have some hang-ups. I came back from Shabbat service the other week and excitedly told them that it was a children's service that morning, and that some of the kids had performed a play for us. One friend asked what play it was, then got uncomfortable really fast when I told them it was Joseph's technicolour dreamcoat.

(Side note: the play was awesome! Children have the wackiest senses of humour and there is nothing funnier than hearing a 10 year old scream "anything but the pit!!" while trying really hard not to laugh.)

Anyway -- the dreamcoat story is one my queer friends are all familiar with in some capacity from their Christian schooling. You and I are aware of the similarities (lol) and differences between Christianity and Judaism, and that we will often see versions of the same texts and tales in both contexts because of appropriation and the like. My friends understand this in theory, but gentiles will be gentiles. They hear alarm bells when I say 'dreamcoat' because it was Christian to them before it was Jewish. The fact that I chose to be excited about the play without also downplaying it by going "dont worry guys it's not the christian version!!" has noticeably damaged their opinion of me.

Things like this keep happening, where my friends will be verbally supportive, but then start acting really really awkward around the topic of religion, including when I casually mention things like no longer being free for gay brunch on Saturday mornings because of Shabbat. They're uncomfortable that I find value in the same Bible verses their Christian grandmas quote (even though I've explained that Tanakh actually tells a different story to their Old Testament and can have a completely different meaning). I swear they all think that by getting involved at synagogue, I am willingly putting myself in close proximity to Christianity, and they are either scared of me for it, or secretly think I am a traitor.

They don't understand that feeling squeamish around 'Bible-thumping religious nuts' is deeply antisemitic. They don't like it when I talk about G-d because they are convinced that the Jewish and Christian G-d are one and the same. And for the record, yes I've explained why the concept of 'Abrahamic' or 'Judeo-Christian' faith is all bullshit, and yes I've explained that they are very much not the same G-d, and the response I got from them amounted to 'well there's different beliefs about G-d but they all come from the same initial concept and refer to the same entity so they're the same'. I just gave up on trying to explain; I'm not Christian so I'm not making it my problem if they're unwilling to divorce their feelings about religion from Christianity. I'm still learning and I will not be their teacher.

The way my queer friends look at me now makes me so sad. It's like they are expecting me to start quoting Bible verses over the dinner table, or make everyone say blessings with me, or burst into a monologue about how G-d is great and everyone should believe in Him. Half the people I've 'come out' to as a convert have responded by saying "that's great I'm so happy for you! But by the way I just can't do religion, it's not for me, no offence or anything but I just don't believe in G-d." as if that's in any way necessary. And these people know me. Why do they suddenly think I've turned into the type of person to proselytise or look down on people for not being religious?? As if there's not literally a prominent Jewish teaching that bans proselytisation and promotes religious freedom among other cultures???

It's driving me nuts. My friends treat me like a stranger now. I've known some of these people for 7+ years and they know I'm a queer-as-fuck dickhead with a personality and a traumatic Catholic upbringing of my own. I've always been really vocal about my opinions and I never shut up about my hobbies. It's not like I'm their mormon grandparents, I literally post ass on twitter. But suddenly they don't know what to say when they see me. I can feel everyone treading on eggshells around me because they are expecting me to suddenly take offense at them being atheist or areligious or for eating pork idk. And on that note I've had vegan friends try to argue with me that kashrut is immoral and that I'm a terrible person for following Jewish dietary laws instead of going vegan. And don't even get me started on what they try to tweeze out of me regarding Israel.

For people who say they hate antisemitism, they sure liked me a lot more when I wasn't studying to become Jewish. I think that if they understood how much this was affecting me, they might realise what they're doing and stop, but explaining myself hasn't made them get it. I know they are not trying to be antisemitic but I feel so alienated and lonely. I was prepared to accept that my friends might not be the right people to talk to about faith, but now they won't talk to me about anything without making it awkward.

I truly do believe my soul is Jewish and that this is a journey I need to take. And if that means I lose friends for being religious then so be it. But it really fucking sucks and I don't know how to deal with it. Other people really think they have the clearest perception of religion because they're not part of one and nothing I do or say can unconvince them that my judgement is clouded by faith. I don't want to lose them. I just don't know how to make them understand what I am feeling, or if I should even bother to try. Is this a common experience, do you think?

Shabbat shalom!

I hear you, and I cannot imagine how frustrating and upsetting this situation must be for you.

I was willing to give your friends the benefit of the doubt at first, but the more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve reread this message, the more upset I’ve gotten on your behalf.

The fact of the matter seems to me that they’re claiming to be supportive of Jews but when presented with actually future Jewishness they are not being supportive and are actually being pretty terrible.

Additionally, they aren’t being supportive of you as a person. Your choice isn’t going to impact their lives at all besides maybe needed to move a brunch date and yet they’re still alienating you. I don’t fully know the situation, of course, and it’s your choice, but from what you’ve said they don’t sound like people who have your best interests in mind and don’t seem like great friends.

Unfortunately, this isn’t an entirely uncommon situation (especially in queer spaces in my experience but that story is a tad off topic). I know I lost some friends during my conversion and it damaged my relationship with some people as well.

Ultimately I see it this way: for reasons of physical safety and mental health, if someone has an issue with me because of my religion then I don’t want to be around them.

I hope you’re able to find some supportive friends. Maybe try seeing if there’s a queer community group at your synagogue! Or start one!

I truly wish you good luck with this situation. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Congratulations on starting your conversion journey 💙

[cavehags]

enjoying jotting down these recommendations… do you have any suggestions for podcasts hosted by 2 (or more) people who have a dynamic you really like? informational would be nice but I’m open to a lot of things (I have already dabbled in most of the sarah marshall+michael hobbes extended universe for what it’s worth)

i think i'm out of educational pods to recommend, but i do have some comedy duos i'm really enjoying!

like a virgin - it's so weird to me that i enjoy this podcast so much when i disagree with so many of their takes but it is what it is! it's your classic formula of two gay besties talking about media. i really like listening to it on long walks - it's very comforting!

best friends - all i can say is it's a rare duo who can sustain an entertaining podcast conversation weekly when it's clear they've had upwards of 7 phone calls over the course of the rest of the week. it really annoys me when friends host an unstructured show and clearly have nothing to talk about, or worse yet, they just talk about things the audience isn't interested in like how they're looking forward to getting brunch with [not famous friend] later. that is not the case with nicole and sasheer. they always have things to talk about and it's a great time.

thank f*ck for that - it's a really simple premise - just comics talking to other comics about wild moments that defined or almost changed their lives. and i love this premise because it means guests win you over easily because their stories are so exciting. also sarah has the hottest voice i've ever heard so many points for that.

off menu - okay like. this is a weird one to rec because i guess it's the single most popular comedy podcast in the uk or whatever. yet i had not heard of it until this past year. american brain. anyway, it's a lot of fun - i like hearing what food means to different people and the hosts have a really great rhythm where one of them is the smug straight man and one of them is the clown at any given moment. it's a good time.

and honorable mention to two dead pods i'm still mourning: keeping records (specifically the first 75 episodes) and urgent care. unfortunately many quirks of the way i talk have been stolen from joel and shelby. and caleb a little bit. and mitra. they're two of my favorite comedy pods ever and not overly tied to pop culture references so you can go back to listen to old eps and not get annoyed trying to place them in time!

[ruralbi]

You know what's really sad? I'm 31 I'm slowly entering the end of my twink years. But that's not the sad part, as I'm planning to do a graceful transition to a beautiful otter, probably around 40yo. On God I'll get proper hairy one day.

(aparté, as a younger man I used to bemoan the end of my twink years at like 23 but I was sorely mistaken. Now I realize every day as I stand next to regular degular men that I am..... still a fucking twink. Now distinguished by less MDMA and more face lines, but still very obviously different than the just some guys next to me.) (I call this the Wilson life stage) like idk I got older but the older guys I'm into got older as well so in comparison with them I'm still twinkish? Drug addicted club slut is the burgeoning stage of twink life and now I'm blossoming into a beautiful bitch who listens to eurodance at Sunday brunch. Before if I did a huge scene bc whoever I was dating didn't pay me enough attention it was bc I had too much coke, now it's because I'm just a melodramatic brat like that. And that's growth baby. Find out who you are and do it on purpose.)

Anyway the sad part is the abysmal bear prospects in my area.

There's the mason who calls me beautiful and loves to talk about what he would do to me if he were ten years younger, but I've become friends with his wife.

There's the farmer who asked me to go to the sauna with him but he's friends with my parents AND his son is my age. (Tbh I'm kinda convinced I fumbled that one and should've gone for it, but the SAUNA as a FIRST DATE??? I do need substance abuse for that one chief, at least do the bar bathroom so I can have a drink beforehand I beg you) I could've gotten railed in the normal very much not gay sauna with like the third grade history teacher and my coworker's mother wondering what the hell is that noise in the next room, what a miss. I still buy his milk, it's a small comfort to me. He pretends he never invited me to the sauna and jokes about women ay what can you do! with my dad.

(moment of silence for the builder bottom who ended up threatening my housemate (his coworker) and almost hit me when I intervened about it. A Chihuahua can still bite bitch, I hope I never see him again BUT he was hot and a proper bear)

Best prospect currently is a local radio announcer but he's possibly not fat enough idk I need to see him naked, ideally in a jockstrap... to really make up my mind. And unlike all the others he's not propositioned me already, so I'm doing the eyes with force of a thousand suns. My resolution is to invite him to the bar in two weeks and if he says yes I'll see what he does in the bathroom.

And yes the current obsession with older bears is because I'm still holding to my word to not fuck my toxic ex (who was a young bear, unbecoming of myself really).

I haven't been touched in SO long like I seriously need to hold hands while watching telly but I would settle for cocksucking at this stage. local radio host please call me.

I hold hope bc we had several conversations where I batted my eyelashes and he told me that he's old, poor and okay with trans people. I'm like bitch me too! We have so much in common, let me suck your dick about it.

[remembertheplunge]

6:30pm.  10/7/ 2006 At Flix. An Omaha Gay Bar Cute bar tender. Music Videos. Kind of a classic gay bar. Like the Brave Bull Bar  on 9th Street in Modesto. LOUD TV. Smell of old booze and cigarettes. Ash Trays! I guess people can smoke here. No gay newspapers around. Only 2 other guys here. American Idol is on TV.

Oh my Go! The reunion was “Relative Hell! Ahhhhh!

Really bad idea.

I stayed 3 hours. Others were jumping ship left and right. When it came time for me to go, Mom said tensely “Stay longer”. Me “No”. It was leading into watching  a Nebraska Football Game.  Ahhhh!

So, the big line up—Cousin David.Heavy set, balding, tiny bit of grey hair. He was nice but distant. (David is 6 months older than me). I’d rather recall him at 18 than as he is now. At 18, he was handsome and in shape. I can kind of still see his younger self in his features. Hear it in the voice. But, God,the impact of on youth and beauty of time’s odd wand. He gave me a Blanche DVD which I left there! ( Our Aunt Blanche was a nurse during WWII who served in Europe. I think the DVD was about that.  She was one of my mothers older sisters) I just wanted to leave. Cousin Ruth Ann was fun! Sparkly. (10 years older than me) The twin Iowa cousins were friendly and fun. Diane and Debby. (One year older than me)

Everybody there was 50 plus. 50 equaled you were a baby. Lee was 88. Ruby and Mildred, in their 80’s. (Aunts and an Uncle)

Were the cousins happy to see me? That I don’t know. They never mentioned once anything about me being gay. They never asked how Jim, my partner,  was doing. I asked cousin Dave how many kids he had. David “4”. He asked not one thing about my life.

So, hold it. Hold on. Where’d this all come from anyway? This cousin’s reunion stuff? Why did I fly back to Nebraska for this? I’m leaning toward making a statement. NO

At the brunch the next day at the convalescent hospital Blanch was living in, Cousin Jim and his wife Marsha was there. Marsha was cold. Cousin Jim was horrified to learn I don’t computer, Cousin Jim “I spend all day on mine.” Cousin Marilyn “What do you do in old town Omaha last night?” Me (un said) “I do queer, gay, bohemian unmentionable things.”

Nobody gets it. I need Lew time. This is not a good time.

I thought it was interesting that Cousin Jim wanted to know “What did you do last night?”. And perhaps, even more amazing I told him , "I went to gay bars".

Cousin Jim asked “What’s a lawyer’s life really like? Is it like CSI?” Mom answered “He doesn’t watch it” I said “CSI is phony. Made up. It’s theater." I told them that I had just competed a murder jury trial back in California and that the jury was still out (they were out for 3 1/2 weeks before declaring they could not reach a verdict) Regarding the trial, I said “You are lucky that we are in deliberation and not earlier in the trial or I would have brought the autopsy pictures. I brought them to Mom’s last family party.”

Cousin Jim, when pressed by his sister Ruth Ann (both about 10 years older than me) “do you want to be cremated. He replied “I don’t care. I want to be mixed in the paint and painted on the bedroom ceiling.” They did Blanche’s will last night. How odd. Jim and I just did our wills.

Blanche was quite and peaceful (She was born in 1914). I think that she got what she wanted. Her family together. As I said to Jim on the phone later (He was at home in Modesto) “If Mom and Blanche are happy, so am I.”

End of entry

Margin notes in the journal re:above entry

10/7/06. Flix Bar  Omaha “To be in a gay bar watching American Idol while the Nebraska Iowa game is on is sacrilege.” ___________________________

11/08/2006.  Basically, I took a vacation. A get away. They resent it. Coming and saying “Hi” wasn’t enough. Well, that’s all I had. It’s what I wanted. If there is so much interest in me, why so much dead space? Years worth of no contact with them.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi Ralph! Hope you're well! I just finished Soft Lad and I loveddd it (I have a very soft spot for grimmy, to be fair) but i found it delightful and funny and charming and every once in a while it took me out at the knees emotionally speaking (for example I got teary when he said to give yourself some julies--that was really well done craft-wise). I also found it a bit PG (rating i mean, not even PG-13). I suppose that's how I felt the silences you mentioned... everything was very general audience friendly which I get! But I kind of want a whole nother book where he talks to us like it's over brunch and mimosas :D I do hope he continues to write, he has a gift for telling stories for sure.

Oh and I actually thought the harry parts weren't obviously missing... he didn't really name drop that many of his famous friends (yes he did a bit, but not to the extent where I thought harry's absence stuck out for any reason other than I was listening for it). IDK if you had the same impression.

Anyway just wanted to pop in and give me tiny review because you're one of the few people I follow who are interested in what he's doing, nothing extra special to say about it (other than I think people should read the book!!! It bothers me how some people have viewed him as a villain of the 1D fandom) Have a great day!

Glad you enjoyed Soft Lad anon - I also really enjoyed it. I found it delightful and charming and funny, just like Nick.

I thought it was an interesting combination of things. At times I thought it was really insightful and vulnerable - Little Gay Me and Big Gay Me were both brilliant. The way he told the story of seeing David Beckham in speedos and being transfixed was incredibly effective. It had the intimacy of his experience, but also the space for us to deduct his Mum and Dad's perspective.

But it was also super boundaried and there was a lot he wasn't sharing. I thought it was super odd that he had a whole chapter about dogs and he didn't mention his dog who died, and there were lot of ellipses in the chapter about his older gay life.

I agree that it wasn't noticeable that he ommitted Harry if you weren't lookin for it. But as I was the silence was quite pointed. In particular, he often mentioned various friends in a really offhand way - not revealing anything about them, but something they said, or what his parents thought of them. A lot of the discourse from Harry fans have implied that if Nick was going to mention Harry, then that would involve being very revealing and it was a lucky escape. When the thing that would have suggested things were really normal between them would have been if Nick described Harry making a sandwich.

[hopeshoodie]

Hey you talked abit about Ibrahim and Jo subtle(?) homophobic vibes, so how do you think Ibrahim would be with a mc who is very openly bi? In the game and later if they try to make it work outside?

(2/2) Same question for the rest of the boys actually, like I feel Noah would be super supportive -and maybe realise he's bi-, maybe bobby would be a little insecure when women flirt when mc but also try to be supportive -he maybe also figures stuff-, maybe Rocco would find it "hot" but then jealous, but like Gary ahahshhshs? Anyways how you think the boys would react?

Honestly I don't think Rahim's homophobic/biphobic out of maliciousness, I think he's just not in spaces where he hears about issues and genuinely doesn't know, but doesn't intend anything malicious. Whereas Jo absolutely is intentionally homophobic.

So with Rahim, if MC was openly bi, I think he wouldn't really care outside of maybe asking a few invasive questions that aren't super cool. He definitely gets jealous easier than some of the other boys, so he'd be more insecure if MC is affectionate with Marisol/Priya/Hope/Lottie. Jo would probably be rude to MC, something like "don't hit on me" or whatever. I don't think Rahim would stand up for MC, again because he doesn't realize it's a biphobic thing and also because he's nonconfrontational, but he would think less of Jo for it.

Outside of the villa I don't think MC being bi would make it 'not work' with Rahim. He might be uncomfy if she really leans into her queerness and not want to go to gay bars/pride with her (he doesn't have bi wife energy, he has 'who my wife is attracted to is her business' energy). He might be insecure if they go out a lot and MC is openly flirting with women. But I don't think it'd really cause big issues in the relationship.

I think you're absolutely right, Noah would be SO supportive. Like to the point where everyone's just waiting for him to realize too. Like he's SO supportive of her going to pride and gay bars and expressing her sexuality and always wants to go with her and suggests drag brunches/queer events. Honestly I think MC being bi will delay Noah realizing, though, because he's able to convince himself for so long that he's just being supportive. I imagine Henrik and Arjun are like this too, but they already know they're bi.

I kinda think Bobby wouldn't mind? Like his insecurities aren't based on what MC does, they're based in him being self-critical and anxious in group settings. Plus he has an exhibitionist streak, so women flirting with MC would give him an ego boost. Like "hell yeah, my gf is so hot and has twice as many options but she chooses me". I kind of want to write a drabble now where Bobby's talking to MC and she's explaining how she knows she's attracted to women and he's like "?no but everyone's like that towards the same gender?" Like he realizes he's very much gay from that conversation but is in HEAVY denial.

Lucas is fine with MC being bi, and is definitely down to explore her attraction to other genders in a sexual context. But he's also very territorial and jealous, so in any context other than spicy times he's fine with her being attracted to other people just not expressing it. I also bet he thinks pride is tacky, not because he's homophobic but because he's judgemental and thinks it's crude and gaudy. Elegant gay weddings, yes, pride where everyone's wearing flags and being loud/expressive, no.

I feel like Gary just... Would forget lmao. Like he's not particularly bothered when he first learns that she's bi, and every time she reminds him he just. Like. Forgets lmao. It doesn't impact him. In his view, it's not important because MC's with him, so it's irrelevant. He definitely isn't aware of queer issues, and he's neither unsupportive or going out of his way to be supportive.

And yeah you're absolutely right, Rocco was shitty about MC even jokingly flirting with other men he would lose his goddamn mind if she so much as held hands with another woman. He would refuse to accept that she can be platonically affectionate with women.

[unbridgeabledistances]

hi 💜💜 i got a prompt about ian x body image a while ago (my inbox is a hot mess and i may have deleted the prompt lol, but i did paste it into my phone notes)- and i was feeling some feelings today & had some spare time amidst my travels & ended up writing this!!

prompt: can you write about ian and his relationship with his body image, esp post-canon when they move to the westside

(tw for body image/eating disorder/food mentions)

--

He didn’t really even think about it the first times that he did it— skipping a few meals that went unnoticed in the morning clamor of the Gallagher kitchen. He noticed his skin growing tauter and tighter around his abdomen with every passing day, a hollow absence sitting like a rock in the pit of his stomach.

He did it for a reason—he’d been getting more lingering looks under the flashing lights at the club, more unwelcome fingers pressed against the now-present ridges on his stomach, tracing his toned upper arms. The less there was of him, the more they wanted him.

The thing about Ian is that he was always disciplined; the middle child, the one who was overlooked and ignored and blended in until he decided that he had to make a name for himself. He and Lip and gotten into hair-tugging, jaw-smashing fights about this very reality; Ian was completely, totally, absolutely ordinary. Until he made himself extraordinary—until he burst through the storefront labeled “ARMY” at a strip mall with smudged windows and said with a tall chest: I want to enlist.

Everything had led up to this— every push-up on the creaking slanted floor of their childhood bedroom, every jog at the crack of dawn. He was going to make something of himself, he was going to be a hero.

He was going to get the fuck away from Mickey, and his wife, and whatever else kept pushing him down and holding him back.

When Ian came back from the army, when he was sleeping on exposed floorboards and working at the club all night—that was when it all actually started. When he decided that less of him meant more—when he decided that he should give people the best show he could, because everything else was fucked up anyways. This was all he was good for.

But then Mickey came through the door, pale skin flashing in the strobe lights, wearing that fucking dark button-up with sleeves folded to his forearms and smelling like nice cologne that he’d almost definitely stolen from one of his brothers’ bathroom shelves; and for a brief moment after the initial shock set in, Ian was proud— proud of how much negative space surrounded him, proud of how he could press his thighs into stretched golden spandex better than any of the other men thrumming to the beat beside him on the podium. Proud of how much other people wanted him, when Mickey didn't.

It was only later, after Mickey carried him home (easily, too easily) after he’d passed out in a snowbank, and Ian had woken and waited for Mickey to burst into his bedroom door at the Gallagher house while he leaned against the wall and scribbled on a notepad— later, when Mickey was about to curl on the floor and sleep using one of Liam’s balled-up t-shirts as a pillow— that Ian noticed Mickey’s eyes lingering on his uncovered torso, a second longer than the quick glances of admiration from the well-dressed men with greased-back hair and grubby fingers at the club. It hit Ian, then, when he saw Mickey’s gaze that was soft around the edges, the same fuzziness and confusion of Fiona’s stares when he would chatter on for too long in the mornings:

He’s worried about me.

But Mickey played along— Ian was back, and Mickey stayed beside him this time, and chuckled when he walked down the stairs to the sight of Ian cutting off the bottom half of his old ROTC pants, now multiple sizes too big and hanging baggy even at the hips. Mickey curled beside him on the twin bed, silently stroking hair back from his forehead and cradling his cheeks with a feather-light touch as Lip and Liam’s even, sleeping breaths swirled around them. And Ian kept doing pull-ups, and told Carl that he liked the way that Mickey smelled. Mickey came out for him. And for a while things were really, really fucking good, and Ian didn’t even think about the gnawing hollow feeling in his stomach at all any more.

Until a grey morning came, quick and silent, and kept him frozen under the sheets for days.

In the months afterwards, Ian trained harder, faster—he met up with Fiona as she pushed Liam in the stroller and jogged beside them, ran before and after shifts at the club, did push-ups on Mickey’s grimy floor while he was out handling Rub N’ Tug shit.

I’m not Monica. This wasn’t going to happen again. His body could do this. His body could fix his brain.

It couldn’t.

Most of what happened on the “road trip” with Yevgeny (that was the only phrasing that Ian could really mentally use to name the incident, the only semiotic filler for “kidnapping” that didn’t want to make him burrow even deeper under his tattered blankets) was a blur—Mickey feeding him fistfuls of pills and room-temperature Gatorade, luring Mickey to the dugouts where he tried to do a pull-up and felt a quivering in his limbs, a weakness rather than a familiar and fulfilling burn. Slamming Mickey in the face with a fist that was too flimsy, too weak—a fist that still left the blooming of a bruise on Mickey’s jawline, a splatter of blood caking into his eyebrow. But still weak, still not enough. Definitely not strong enough to fight off two MPs with loaded guns, tangling his hands behind his back and forcing him into the backseat of a car.

More blurry days— on the road with Monica. Breaking up with Mickey. Getting a job at Patsy’s. Withering away, purple bags sagging under his eyes. Becoming less, always less.

Then, a glimmer of light— he met Caleb. He studied to be an EMT. He got a call from Mandy, got to wrap her in his arms in less-than-ideal circumstances.

“I got tired of starving myself to fit in that golden thong.”

It was the first time he’d said it out loud.

He started to run again—and he started to not miss it, the hollow feeling gnawing at his insides, the twisting lack. He met Trevor, he went to brunches, he ordered mimosas and muffins and kept himself in shape, but didn’t push himself too far.

So it surprised him, really, when once again his body and mind weren’t in sync.

That was the biggest thing he’d think about, in the idle hours of he and Mickey’s prison cell, months later—that for once in his life, years after the nights at the club or the hazy early mornings at Patsy’s or in a baggy janitor uniform, he was actually doing really, really fucking good. He had a following. He was strong. Or at least he thought he was.

But something about being near Mickey pulled him out of his head and into his body, centered him— it always did. Mickey had always liked his body; Ian remembered how Mickey’s eyed at lingered that night at the dugouts, when they were two kids doing pull-ups and Mickey watched his muscles clench in the moonlight, two sets of shining eyes and bodies warm with beer leaning closer to each other in the muggy air. But Ian never felt a need to flaunt his body, or change his body, for Mickey— and in so many ways, those first days in prison were like his body was coming home. Sometimes it was hard, and fast, and filthy words whispered into each other’s skin—and sometimes it left them grasping for breath in an entirely different way, in fingertips lazily skimming over collarbones and fisted into roots of hair, of breathed “Fuck, you’re so fucking beautiful”s escaping Mickey’s parted mouth that Ian mentally stored but never brought up again, because he knew in the best case scenario Mickey would just roll his eyes and call him a “soft bitch,” and in the worst he would just flat-out deny it. But Ian felt balanced in a way he hadn't in months, with all the "Gay Jesus" bullshit pressing in. He took his meds, he did his nightly sit-ups, he counted down the days—until the hourglass was slipped out from under his fingertips and he was teleported back to the Gallagher house, back to the place where so much of this began and so much was about to end.

The hollowness, the hunger, didn’t really need to be there anymore once he was out— it was only a dull murmur. A ghost, a memory trapped in dreams of strobe lights and prying hands.

Mickey got out, and they got married—and in the moments before Ian called Mickey an “ugly motherfucker” as he let a smile crack onto his face—and he knew Mickey felt it, knew Mickey heard: I have never known anyone as beautiful as you.

And Ian’s fullness just kept blooming and compounding and radiating after the wedding; they fought, and then they didn’t, and it didn’t matter anyways because they were fucking married. Ian kept doing sit-ups before they went to bed, even though he felt like he didn’t really have to anymore. Something big had shifted; something had settled and given way, had filled in all the cracks.

So he’s surprised, when they move to the West Side, and that feeling starts to stir again; faint, fuzzy, like some sort of invasive and shapeless amoeba in the dark corners of his brain, whispering and hissing that there should be less of him. On their first morning in the new place he heads to the gym, wearing a camo t-shit that covered his torso and shoulders—and of course he ends up making a fool of himself next to some guy, some guy that he could have been, with sweaty toned abs and bronzed skin and rippling muscles. He doesn’t know why it gets to him, that small interaction—he’s so much happier now, so fucking happy he’s buzzing with it, but there’s also something churning in the faultlines of transition; that aching for hollow absence and stretched skin and interested eyes, that feeling that made him woozy and lightheaded as a kid but also sickeningly proud, like every moment of standing tall, of dancing, of staying alive was a statement, a challenge, a test of how much he could push his ability to be desired.

He immediately pushes the thought down. He doesn’t fucking need that anymore to keep his head above water; he’s stable, he’s loved, he’s fed. He’s growing organic tomatoes, and definitely developing a farmer’s tan from his days hunched over their way-too-tiny community garden plot tenderly watering and pruning the vines and brambles. He is desired. So it doesn’t make fucking sense that the hunger, the clawing in his stomach for the absence, doesn’t really stop.

**

“Okay Gallagher, spill.”

Ian felt his eyebrow raise instinctively at Mickey’s tone. “Huh?”

“You’ve been staring at this fancy fucking chicken thing you made for, like, twenty minutes. Stop staring at it and eat your goddamn dinner.”

He felt a twist in his gut. I don’t want to.

“M’actually not really that hungry.”

Mickey’s eyes narrowed. “The fuck’s up? You stressed about work shit?”

Ian huffed out a breath of relief. “Nah. It’s not that.” He fiddled with his fork on the plate, drawing lines into the sauce pooled under the tomato-basil chicken he’d made. It was healthy, it was good, he’d worked out today; he could stomach a couple bites of dinner if he fucking had to. He just had to work up to it. Even the smell was making his stomach twist— it had smelled good while he was cooking it, placing fresh-scented basil leaves into the simmering sauce, but now it just was too much.

Mickey’s boot nudged against his calf from under the kitchen island. “Ey. Is it a tired thing? Or a… sick thing?” His eyes darted to their kitchen cupboard, where Ian kept his meds on the bottom shelf by the water glasses. “Or, like, a food thing?”

Ian felt his fingers go slack around his fork. “A food thing?”

“Yeah, man, y’know. When you get all weird about food.”

A tightness in his chest. “What the fuck? I don’t get weird about food.”

Mickey’s eyes flickered to meet his—and Ian would have gotten more pissed off if he didn’t see the soft concern bleeding into Mickey’s gaze, how cautiously Mickey was trying to broach the topic. Ian blew out a breath. Of fucking course Mickey noticed this shit— he always did.

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know, man. You’re usually good, especially compared to when you were fucking starving yourself when we were kids. But, uh… I don’t know.” Now it was Mickey’s turn to play with his food, scraping his fork along the remnants of sauce on his plate that was nearly clean. “You got kind of weird about working out and shit in prison. And then at the house, with all the quarantine bullshit the first few weeks. Eating fuckin’ cereal all the time, then not eating at all. You’ve been normal since then, or whatever. Lookin’ healthy.” Ian felt Mickey’s gaze drag over him. “Just don’t want you getting stressed out and not eating again or whatever.”

Ian felt a muted warmth blooming in the hollow of his stomach, filling in the cracks of where the jagged feeling continued to claw. If it was anyone else laying out this fucking analysis of his habits Ian would’ve gotten defensive—or at the very least annoyed, that someone was pinning down yet another one of his behaviors, putting them under a fucking clinical microscope.

But of course, this was Mickey— and the difference with Mickey was that he cared, he cared so much that it made Ian’s body ache every time he realized it. Those words wouldn’t have come tumbling out of Mickey’s mouth if they hadn’t been building for a while, hadn’t been gnawing away at some corner of his mind over time.

Ian raised a hand over the table to clasp into Mickey’s warm palm—reaching over the empty plate, the plate of uneaten food.

“It’s, uh. A food thing.”

Mickey’s eyes met his—open, listening.

“You’re right about all the starving myself shit from forever ago. And the not eating. And the… quarantine stuff. I guess I just thought that now that things were good, it’d go away? And I feel so fucking good right now. But sometimes I just have weird days.”

Mickey huffed out a breath. “I fucking know you do, dumbass. M’just saying that I notice that shit. And we can figure it out.”

Ian felt the corner of his mouth tick upwards. “I really thought it was gonna go away. I’m a fucking adult.”

Mickey shrugged. “Sometimes shit doesn’t work like that, Gallagher.” He chugged a sip of water from his glass, apparently glad that this heavier part of the conversation was over now that he knew what was up. “It’s like what you tell me about my shit with Terry. Trauma doesn’t just magically fucking disappear.”

Trauma. He’d never really thought about it like that before—he had plenty of childhood shit to work through, between abandonment and raging mental illness; and he’d never really thought that his body image issues made the list.

But maybe they did— maybe this was another wound, one that he could learn to heal.

Mickey kicked his shin under the table. “There’s cereal and stuff in the cabinet, I got the Fruit Loops shit you like. Want me to wrap up the chicken and shove it in the fridge?”

All he could do was nod— and once again feel that warmth on his insides that Mickey was this good, that he knew how to make shit like this easier.

And he snuggled into the couch beside his husband, a bowl of soggy cereal in his hands.

[rosenallies]

Okay I can’t remember the fic but it was a Rosénali diner au on ao3 where denali was like a really bad waitress that I had read when I just started that job.

Few weeks later we had our diner booked as an event location for an insurance company so my shift started at five to decorate and rearrange tables for that and then the people showed up around brunch time. Boss holds a speech and then they had drinks and buffet, with us waiters pretty damn busy because of course two of our five people team spontaneously called in sick the day before. So I’m stressed out as fuck, barely getting a hold of the amount of tables I had to serve and all the costumers in suits and business looks really didn’t help my anxiety.

One of the guests was this lady, I’d guess mid-late 30s and she was a whole head taller than me in her heels (I’m 5’10’’) and she wore this bright red pant suit. I checked for Corona tests/vaccines at the entrance and she smiled at me :’) Obviously my little gay heart was like OOF and since we couldn’t go by our usual table order anyways due to two people missing I volunteered to serve her table just for the sake of it. Day sucked, I’m allowed to indulge in my little fantasy or whatever.

Anyways, eventually she gets up when I approach and asks me to show her the way to our smoking area. I was already having heavy heart eyes for her so I obviously did. Was too shy to really talk and obviously could only show her the way and then go back to work, can’t be caught smoking outside of my break hours. But leaving the full area still gave me a little breather, and you bet I was basically in love with her by that point so I was glad to walk her around. She was so sweet thanking me and calling me cute😩.

The place was packed and of course most of these business people were white men who wouldn’t step aside even if I had a full ass tray with THEIR food. But at one point while I tried to get through with my full tray the lady showed up again and told her coworkers to make some space for me, since I already served them all day and they should be more considerate. At this point I had been working for about 7 hours, running on very little sleep and had eyed her basically ever since she entered so my brain was literally like “Is this gonna be like on ao3 :D” Obviously it wasn’t tho, they left and i had to pull overtime into the night to clean the place up 🥲 but throughout my shift I was basically already planning our wedding and introducing her to my dog.

That would be my dream <3 the summer before I went to college I worked early morning shifts at a coffee place near a hospital and if we weren’t busy I’d be leaning against the drive thru counter fantasizing about a pretty doctor or surgeon coming up to the window and falling in love with me when I gave them their coffee <3 there was a few that would come in every morning and *sigh* I guess 18 year old me who wore hot pink eyeshadow to work every day like it was a nightclub did nothing for them </3

Also @bradgoreskii u remember all the rosenali fics, which one had bad diner waitress Denali ??I don’t remember that one <3

[fastestboyalive]

(( WOKE IN A COLD SWEAT AFTER DREAMING ABOUT A THEORETICAL TEEN TITANS CARTOON REBOOT, IT WAS WILD, IT WAS VERY ROUND,,,,, I JUMPED TO DRAW EVERYONE BEFORE I FORGOT, DETAILS UNDER A CUT OH MAN

okayokayokay, not everything makes a ton of sense, it was a really long, disjointed dream of misadventures. it was also a much “happier” teen titans, all of them were doofy teens?? just. doofy.

Terra is the team leader of this “v2″ Teen Titans- Robin was the leader of the last one, then went through an identity crisis, then Terra took charge on a mission and he was like “listen how would you like to be leader for a while? i can help you out, but i just can’t do this rn”

she’s GREAT at it.

......... it’s twice as heartbreaking when she “betrays” the team. :’( she couldn’t handle the gig, and had shit goin on y’know

Beast Boy is the NEWEST member, shows up on a mission and offers to help the team.

in the dream he just kept giving weirdass nicknames and refused to call people by their actual names; robin was “Main Character Guy” bc his hair was “main character colored, like in anime”

he is so skittish

he is also weirdly cat-boy-shaped??? tail n’ all. HIS HANDS ARE NORMAL, BUT HE WEARS PAW GLOVES?????? sure, whatever why not

Raven is very chill. very quiet, doesn’t talk much. she has headphones on usually.

her skin is purple-y. cartoon demon-y.

because she can’t allow herself to “feel” emotions, she expresses herself thru art. fashion. music. poetry. she has a lot to say when she DOES speak. she is always listening to heavy metal, it keeps her calm.

wears nazars/evil eye charms and has them ALL OVER her room.

Starfire has a different accent like every day. that’s it that’s the hc. 

she uses she/her pronouns, but she is NOT a girl!!!!  her gender is “glorzmek”.  demigirl or nb is probably closest.

she’s seven feet tall, what a goddess

hair has.... “eel dynamics”. and it color shifts like an oil spill, it just looks like it’s always moving.

curious about EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! also free love hippie vibes.

Robin is doin’ great and is having a good time!!!!!! good for him!!!

used to be team leader w the Fab Five, but the Teen Titans is sort of a revolving door of members lol. following an identity crisis though, he decided to take a step back, for his mental health and everyone’s sake.

he is REALLY REALLY BESTIE with cyborg and kid flash!!!!!!!!!

HIS HAIR.... IS DIP DYED................. ROBIN’S EGG BLUE. I CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP, THAT’S JUST HOW IT HAPPENED,,, happened during his ‘identity crisis” and bitch, same.

Cyborg is also much happy-go-lucky-er!!!! 

only half of him is really robo-cyborg-ish??? and also his right thumb is a prosthetic??? he thinks it’s very funny to detach it and just place it in friends’ hands; “I’m giving you a thumbs up :’) .”

i, uh... i can’t explain the mechanics of his design, not even a little. his limbs/joints are encased in clear puffy plastic, like... baymax-style. the “blue” parts are compartments of “coolant liquid” around his brain, heart, and... shoulder?????? oh yeah his brain, it is. visible. think Boskov from “Evil Con Carne”?

idk he’s a delight and makes the worst jokes

Kid Flash is basically the team medic haha. he loves extreme sports, but is VERY safety conscious.

always has his trusty backpack on- cushions from falls, has a first-aid kit, extra snacks, etc.

elbow/knee pads and wrist guards. his sneakers are just... normal. idk, seems like bad design but he just wears converse??

VERY friendly, VERY enthusiastic. also very calm??? team therapist.

The “bad guys” in the dream were Cheshire, and this other chick??? i had no idea who she was in the dream, and she was nameless, but as i was drawing her i was like “guhh this is Tigress now i guess, only makes sense??” i know, they’re swords not archer shit. i didn’t make the rules. maybe she reforms later on down the line and trades the swords for her old childhood archery equipment, decides she prefers the detachment of long-range combat from short-range,,,,

that was super rambly about a theoretical non-existent reboot/character. anyways, they’re both the “huntsmen” for some big secret evil organization. idk what it is. probably the Brotherhood of Evil.

both of them are silent. they communicate through body and sign language. totally wordless.

EXTRA/MISC HC’S???

Terra and BB are besties, but it’s her helping him come into himself.

Raven, in dream, did very monotonously say, “Gay rights”, so jot that down

Robin/Cyborg/Kid Flash are BEEEESSSTTTIIIIES, absolute troublemakers, “boys-will-be-boys” shenanigans. idiot jocks.

Star is tight with EVERYONE. she and cyborg have a secret handshake.

Robin and Raven will sit on the sidelines and just gossip.

BB’s eyes do that weird fuckin cat nocturnal thing and just go RED in the dark. terrifies everyone. 

Kid Flash is literally just vibing!!!! you know Hermes in “Lore Olympus”? that’s kid flash in this reboot i guess.

Robin will pop up out of fucking nowhere. he’s real smug about it. no one hears him, and he just. Poof. startles you.

when Terra is frustrated her skin... dusts? just puffs dust around.

Kid Flash and Terra have Sunday Morning Brunches together. helps her unwind/vent, mostly an excuse to get SO MUCH BREAKFAST FOOD.

i cannot stress enough how goofy the teens are, this dream had a younger target audience, they absolutely did not take being stalked by evil agent hunters seriously one bit. and it was an intensely choreographed fight-chase-dodge-tease scene, the fuck, why can’t i write that shit in real life. god i would pay money to watch this show. ))