#anyway guess what im doing rn
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The asoiaf character sorter is way harder for me than it should be istg. like it’ll ask me to pick between two characters I've never thought about in relation to one another and I'm like well I dont fucking know also this is the hardest decision I've ever made
#.txt#'just use the middle buttons' NO it will screw with the results also where's the fun in that#'do you like euron or doran better' I dont know ive never thought about it leave me alone#the amount of time ive spent thinking about edmure vs jonsnow is embarrassing lol#or it pits my blorbos against eachother :(#i feel like other people get stuck on normal characters like. idk arya vs sansa#meanwhile im here like come on man dont make me pick joffrey over myrcella :(#i mean I'll do it but i feel mean#anyway guess what im doing rn#i did it once already but i half aseed it and the results came out weird -_-
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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blood loss edition
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#colloquially. like gesturing towards a signifier of a signifier of a story told long before. youre not getting more out of me than that#ft. tố linh (and them in yuutoverse for a hot second)#if u wonder what a dirt historian is. stay tuned <3#that thing reki does in the first page is a real thing everyone here's convinced of btw#like. free hangin from a bar by ur arms will make u taller#also I literally did not mean to design amy and linh Like That. I did Not mean for them to be. Like That#but I am happy that I did. bc I love their design and they play well with yuuto#the last page is. some extremely disorganized Thoughts from a thing I kinda wanna write#maybe not right now. but eventually#I guess it's also mostly like. one more love letter to the siblings out there. it has to do with reki getting#underground basically illegal T shots at S lmao#shakes u by the collar we're not going anywhere! I love you!! everything will find its place!!!!#anyways. there are also a number of muppet type creatures in this one. idk whats up with that#I dont have much blood in me rn Im not lucid. have fun be urself ok?#thats also why the inks been taking a break btw. and the fact that my new pot of ink just arrived today#while Im being deprived of my appropriate volume of intravenous fluid#man. may be another day. before I can stop screaming at my wall and punching things off shelves. and draw properly#meanwhile. u know whats up#I go lay down now. have fun ok? be kind to ur tall friends knee them only gently#also just realized future!langa kinda has a bit of haruka vibes. that is literally so awesome
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Is.. this your cat? Or is this cat.. you?
Oh!
*Kim gently takes Kit (cat) Pine into her arms, smiling softly down at her for a moment.*
Not my cat, no... technically me, yes? Dunno where she came from, exactly, but I think I remember her coughing up a hairball or something onto Scott's coat not that long ago. Devious little thing... I like her, obviously.
#ooc: as you know already beloved asker- i have been dying to get around to this one. look at her... look at the art they have presented us..#ooc: i love her she's so cute shdjhdjfhdjd#(ooc: this almost got colored but. i am. so very tired. always. but rn especially. and i need her to be on the blog publically already--)#pine.txt#asks#rp#kim pine#sp comic#spvtwtg#spto#spvtw#glitterminionking12#art#fanart#au#i forget what her tag was before but i am making an amendment to it anyway#kitcat pine#like kitkat... do you see my vision....#spto kim#spvtw kim#scott pilgrim kim#spvtwtg kim#spto fanart#spvtw fanart#scott pilgrim fanart#spvtwtg fanart#?#(there's another tag i might like to add to this but i dont know what it is off the top of my head. so. later...)#ooc: i will be posting this one directly BUT bc the queue is. low. i might queue up some. assuming i *can* do more. we will see i guess#not im standard continuity
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cyno my love
#twitter is terrible right now and i dont rly wanna post art there rn#thats ok now we can all look at cyno#i still have other stuff to finish but this came out of nowhere. i promise im still working on ssss stuff guys#cyno#genshin impact#how the hell do i tag this. whats his last name#cyno genshin impact#i guess.#anyway i finally watermarked my art in what is theoretically the worst way ever.#BUT i hate covering up my art and i hate compressing it#i dont like looking at compressed artwork i want to see all the details so that is why i leave mine as they are#a good and sustainable practice? no. but i am not a big artist anyway so its fine. probably#my art#ANYWAY. can we all think about cyno for a second. can we just think about him. he is so beautiful to me. i like him so much#the plume in his hair was inspired by 'as the scarlet sands' by shyjinks#because i LOOVE the idea of cyno wearing jewelry
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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How dare he release a banger cover of one of my favorite songs ever at 4am where I cant yell, I hate him so much why
#im laughing so insanely rn i love this so much#i am actually losing my mind but like in the best way possible#also he's speaking/singing Japanese again & bros still p good it since haiku#don't have an official translation & im gettin it from discord but its a more worded version of “hurt people. hurt people” basically#i don't wanna fully state it cos i do not know the language & someone who's smarter than me can do that#but still cool to know#anyways I'm exploding now goodbye#hey hey did i ever mention i love saxophones#cos guess what i love saxophones#these songs are gonna have a LOTTA saxophone in it#also the screaming tho?????? fuckin losing my mind rn dude#my Spotify will never recover from this#chonny jash#moss post
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fuck my stupudass baka life bro
#WhY DO I HAVE TO DISSECT COWORKERS' BRAINS TOO WHEN I ALREADY DO ENOUGH DISSECTION ON THE DAILY#LEAVE ME TF ALONE!!!!!!!!!#no dont actually. i need instruction in gross detail DONT JUST GIVE ME A SENTENCE GIVE ME A THESAURUS#surrounded by chemistry lovers as an anatomy king. fml#ANATOMY 🔛🔝🗣‼️‼️‼️#anyways. logically. it makes sense for me to follow manager's word and go to the new nightshift time#....even tho..#like.#it's not fucking there#on the . schedule#and manager isnt even on the schedule for my training at all LMFAO#so it's like. it makes sense. bcs i applied to be in an overtime position. so i SHOULD have night training#instead of what the official schedule has which is like 4 mornings 1 night training#BUT... EMOTIONALLY..#knowing the communication with the manager ive experienced rn... im guessing my coworkers had no fckin clue#of the sudden change either#but i dont have their numbers or know shit abt them#so like. do i wanna be a dick to the manager who emailed me new 'instructions' (a late btw lol). or to the coworkers#LOGICALLY. I GOTTA SIDE WITH THE MANAGER#BUT FUCK#IDK#IM SCARED
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generally i think most of the sekai commissioned songs are good and half the time i don't realize they're for the game until after listening to them for some time bc i primarily find the songs thru the producers because i actually like vocaloid and the artists behind it but for sure some are sort of getting so boiled into their particular styles of music that all of their music is now sounding like a fuckin ad for something. that or it's the same song forever
#k*n*ria vaguepost im sorry. i guess kind of deco too but i think he's gradually breaking out of his mannequin phase hopefully?? hao was good#however i just like his music. the first i really do not tbh. so ig im biased deco is really good at the earworm#i think also mitchie has been. not falling off but in sort of a lull for me lately.... i really like his older synthy 80s styled stuff#ppl who prefer the sekai covers of songs genuinely what's your problem though bc like why would you want a worse version with bad tuning.#sorry im a hater but like even the human vocals aren't enough to save them often!!!#anyways i should be posting this onto my voca alt but i dont care to rn
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man i wanna ramble about my fic to someone so much
into the tags i go
#minhmy rambles#I SAY THIS BC..... there are so many things im planning and writing and im always constantly second guessing myself and i am too much of#a coward to actually say something in the discord like asking for feedback or anything and god forbid i ask for it in the a/n of the fic#and like i have my best friend who loves the fic and i have them proofread it but they hadn't rly known the game much outside of Me#and they're currently going thru the game and its a fun fun fun time but also#bc theyre my best friend and supports me no matter what im like. but what if. the way i write is so ooc and you don't know it#even if ur going thru the game rn and still saying its in character and not ooc at all what if ur just biased to me and my fic and#see im a huge overthinker i am so anxious and insecure about everything and thats why loop and sif are like that in my fic which is why#its OOC...... ITS NOT!!!!! ITS NOT ACCURATE THERES NO WAY........#anyways . i love my friend very much but i would also love to have more ppl to talk about my fic with but also. i never shut up#and if i do its bc im overthinking interactions#so like if anyone. wants to talk to me about my fic 👉👈 pls hmu im probably never gonna make another post like this ever again#the horrifying ordeal of being known#it strikes again#if you also want to talk about isat too thats fine i like talking about isat a whole lot#i might even give spoilers for my fic or i might not#might just ask a bunch of questions like “does this make sense does this make sense does this make sense”#ANYWAYS. .. y'kno. yeha#aoyany fic talk
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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"bedrotting is a privilege because i dont have the time to bed rot. when i get home from work im excited that i get to bed rot" Do yall know what that word means
#like srsly#idk if i can rlly talk for this#bcos everytime theres conversation abt this it has to do with paying bills and all that#and i dont have to do that yet#but like for me i spent months almost always in bed#i wasnt even on my phone most of the time#i just lied there thinking abt how to kms and occasionally crying or sleeping#and i got rlly behind in school bcos i didnt do anything for months#and it rlly did fuck up my life#heavily#so idk for all the “bed rotting is a privilege” discourse#i see so many ppl talking abt it like it's just relaxing#and if yall are going to argue abt this can yall atleast know what it means??#like sure yall can have that conversation but atleast know what youre talking abt#and also is it even smthn worth talking abt#idk if it's mean but like what's the point in pointing out that bedrotting is a privilege if it is??#like genuinely#and also alot of the discourse runs on the idea that it doesnt mess up anyone's life and while im not completely sure if i count#bcos im not an adult that pays bills#but like idk i think it does#ik most discourse is stupid#but i dont understand the point of that one anyway#like yeah i guess?? maybe?? if we're assuming that the depressed or disabled person doesnt have their life completely fucked up by it#maybe??#idk. who does it help by saying that a person who can hardly get out of bed is privileged#maybe there is a point to it that im just not thinking of rn#and im sorry for being rlly shortsighted if i am#but like??#i dont understand someone being unable to bedrot bcos itd fuck up their life? bcos like?? yeah that's what it does#maybe i have the wrong definition here bcos im seriously confused
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...
#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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it’s not funny anymore. i need xander and spencer’s book
#like it’s serious.#how did they become my vacation couple?!#like i’m on vacation imagining what fictional characters would be doing in this scenario AND THEY ARE MY BRAIN’S GO TO?!#i can’t remember the last time i was this invested in a couple before their book even came out#mine#like us series#i guess technically not? but i don’t have anything else to call it rn#and also i can’t remember if i ever brought this up here but it seems obvious that we’re getting easton / vada and im here for it?#like we don’t know super much about either of them but i obviously like easton due to his friendship with xander#and vada is gillow’s child which automatically qualifies her for national treasure status#and i think it was clever of them to pair them off that way#bc otherwise even though easton is well liked he wouldn’t really qualify for a book as just a side character#(not that they didn’t do that for oscar / jack and are obviously angling for a frog / quinn book)#and vada needs someone trustworthy from outside the families#anyway. THEY ARE ALL I THINK ABOUT#YOURE TELLING ME I HAVE TO GET THROUGH ALL THE COBALT BOYS BEFORE THIS?? WHEN THE NLU SET UP WAS THAT PERFECT#like as happy as i am to get ben’s book in my life it just feels wrong that his and xander’s books won’t be back to back idk#🏆 this is for anyone that actually read this deep into the tags you are a warrior
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Yall haha, my dad made it so I have wifi access for one hour a day. which I can use from like 14 to 21 german time. So once my mobile data is dead, I will not be active that much ig. So please dont think I'm abandoning yall.
#vent following#its fucking ridiculous. im not a fucking child. neither is my brother#no idea what my dad wants to achieve through that. “so you can relaxe more” yeah no. being on the internet is my fucking coping mechanism.#there is nothing about relaxation there. also he did that so we'll to go sleep earlier. if it really was about that.#he would need to force me to sleep. you cant just change my sleep schedule by that#anyway its fucking ridiculous as i was on a good way of getting to sleep more early but if imma do that now he will think like#“wow. im such a good dad. i fixed all the problems my child could possibly have.” which is absolutely not the case#yk. ive always fucking struggled with feeling like people cant trust me.#and him not trusting my abilities to be responsible for myself is not helping#and then boom. im feeling shitty but wait haha my coping mechanism is currently set offline.#and like also im in extra stress atm bc school is fucking with me#not only are like a bunch of tests on the way but my fucking anxiety in school is getting so bad.#i cant sit in that facility without feeling like imma have a panic attack any minute#i am in need of fucking professional mental help. and at least one diagnosis. i dont want to do shit to myself.#but in this house hold. emotions are not talked about. feelings are suppressed and mental health is an illusion#i NEED to see a fucking psychiatrist. but i dont feel like i can to my parents about that. and technically i could go without them knowing#but someone needs to educate them. and i mentally cant be that someone#and guess whos sitting in their room crying and writing about that rn. not studying for their tests tomorrow and the day after.#i bet if my parents wouldnt have done that shit with my wifi i would be studying rn#quinns daily yapping post#rather#quinns personal hell
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