#anyway i'm old as shit apparently
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It's fun to get nostalgic about the early 2000s until I remember that we used to ~*~*~*tYpE lIkE tHiS*~*~*~ and say kewl
#there was something very wrong with all of us that were in middle school around the year 2000#maybe writing all over our hands & arms with milky pens really did poison our brains lol#anyway this was brought on by me finding forwardgarden.com in the waybackmachine & feeling like my face got hit w/ a brick#& i was only thinking about that site b/c i was thinking about how the tumblr ask games w/ like 100 questions were originally surveys#and i was like oh yeah those were our myspace/livejournal surveys then WAIT A MINUTE nooo before social media we EMAILED them#also i forgot the way that everything was always described as 'sexy' like idk why that was our go-to adjective back then lol#like half of the surveys on forwardgarden are titled '~*~*my sexy survey*~*~*~ & no it's not sex-related we just described shit like that#anyway i'm old as shit apparently#p
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you know i must have been bone-tired when this part of the herb brides lore didn't come to my mind when i discussed how the Kin fundamentally differs from the cultures it is inspired by um There Is The Human Sacrifice part. like it's an important part of pathologic 2 that you are doing human, or anthropomorphic (if you want to see the Herb Brides as closer to spirits, which comes with its own set of problematics regarding how to approach their oppression) sacrifice. it's an important part of pathologic 2 that you kill a woman, as part of the journey and in direct resonance with you ritualistically killing cattle earlier, and she offers herself to you with cultural and religious significance.
human sacrifices have been done across the globe for millennia, but i cannot, for the life of me, find any source at all that mentions the Buryats (since that was the discussion point) partaking in human sacrifices by the turn of the 19th-early 20th century (or even anything past the 16th). every single source mentioning offerings and sacrifices i've read mentions animals, things such as milk and vodka, and often both at once. would love to read anything about these rituals if papers exist, but i'm personally drawing a blank.
the Kin has Obvious and very Visible influences but it also differs from specific (in this discussion's case, the Buryats) or wider (here, turkic/mongolic as a whole) cultures from the area by so many pieces, big and small, that i wouldn't have enough appendages on my whole body to count them all. and sister. i have plenty of appendages.
#i AM reading a paper that mentions the human sacrifices at Mongol burials where people (typically servants or family) would be sacrificed#to accompany the dead; as well as the Shor practice of sacrificing women/girls (replaced apparently quickly by sacrificing ducks)#but those seem pretty old [the Mongol part mentions the 13th century] & like. nothing about the buryats in that time period#i'm like 85% sure i saw in the beginning of being into patho someone saying how equating the Kin; who practice human sacrifices [& others]#to correlate/be meant to represent Real Life ethnicities is insulting because They Don't Do That.#and like. everythingggg that touches upon representation/appreciation/appropriation/theft is subjective and#informed my how much leeway you're willing to give the creators so that's like#bro i'm just reading PDFs#also just found out the discussion of ''The Kin Is Obviously Inspired But Not Meant To Represent [x]'' is over 2yrs old. we're still at it.#as anon said. ''unless you're tolkien; coming up with a whole fictional language is hard''.#anyways appendage time. stuff that differs just out of the top of my head:#everything relating to the religion which is almost a complete inverse of buryat tengrist/shamanic faith + don't get me started on buddhism#the clothes. the homes. the creation myths; beyond the apparition of Clay; which is present in so many cultures on earth#no swan ancestor. no lake worship. no sky/heavens. no tens of named hierarchical deities. NO BURBOT! no hats. no hats (burts into tears)#NO HORSES? ON THE EURASIAN STEPPE?#the belief that earth mustn't be cut is so buryat. i'm sure i've read it. no idea if it is also in other mongolic peoples but buryat it is.#also a bull-ancestor/bull totem. that exists in buryat tribes; but they also have a bunchhhhh of other sacred animals (including. swans.#also horses. there's this [charm?] made out of horse hair there is)#neigh (blabbers)#i'm realizin how crazy i sound repeating shit that has been said 2yrs ago but like someone already mentioned the human sacrifice.#someone already mentioned the clothes. someone already mentioned the yurts/gers. someone already mentioned the religion#like i'm just. repeating stuff. and yet. give it up for year 2
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I ran out of my anxiety meds which never happens because usually my pharmacy is good about sending everything on time so I called like hey whats up w that do I need to call my doctor and remind him to put in refills and they were like oh you have refills we just need a prior authorization from insurance. which has Never been a thing before I've literally been on these meds for almost ten years. anyway withdrawl will be super fun
#PLEASE MY DRIVERS TEST IS ON FRIDAY I NEED THOSE 😭😭😭#and I work tomorrow aaaahhh#I very much go into withdrawal if I'm off them for more than a day or two so thats awesome#plus I'm anxious about not being on them. thus increasing the anxiety#I called my doctor too to be like hi hello but had to leave a message#gonna call my nurse as well because she's good at making a fuss when weird shit happens w my meds#apparently they've been trying to refill it since March so I'm like. hey was nobody gonna tell me#anyway. hell on earth.#I've literally been on this medication since I was 13 years old I don't understand#Nothing has changed anywhere#just gotta tale so many deep breaths I guess#ghost posts#text
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Hmm I need to make another embarrassing gender post but not right now I think
#Embarrassing in that like. I mean it's all embarrassing. It's embarrassing to have spent this long missing the point#And to talk about that in public. I am 27 years old and I have id'd as nonbinary for almost a decade and yet I could not refer to myself#as transmasc or incorporate that meaningfully into my self-concept until like. This year. Due to... REASONS???#I literally don't even know! There IS no reason! I just didn't want to deal with it because it seemed harder than resigning myself to being#mistaken for a woman for the rest of my life??? I guess???? Stupid and cowardly tbh#Meanwhile tying myself in knots over like. Disproportionately identifying with queer men in fiction and deciding this was some sort of Crim#'Here is a thing that transmascs often do. Not me though I'm doing it for some other reason' I wasted SO MUCH TIME on this#It's not even really important i just invested a lot of energy into repression for WHAT. and like also on the internet the way I have#described myself over time is like. I am probably revealing some embarrassing things about the way I have engaged with my relationship to#gender that were not apparent until I started getting over myself/moving on from that bullshit. So that's great#I don't know man I would like to feel unequivocally good about sorting my shit out and finally doing what needs to be done#but mostly I just feel like I took too long and now I'm making myself look like an idiot. Idk man. I suck actually!#Oh look I basically did make the post anyway but as tags. Extremely me behavior
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we got a new set of headphones and the audio quality is noticeably better than in our previous pair (which we've had since before I showed up in the system) and an unexpected side effect of this is that our auditory-tactile synaesthesia has been way more noticeable while listening to music through them
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#the old ones lasted impressively long and do still work but they're like... physically falling apart and keep glitching out a bunch#we're gonna keep using them as a spare set for stuff where wireless headphones are more practical until they finally give out#watch them fucking outlast the new ones or some shit lmao#anyway yeah I didn't realise the different audio quality would affect our synaesthesia that much#and that's wild because like I'm used to a certain amount of being able to feel sounds#and then suddenly it's like... oh boy okay I didn't realise I could feel that sound until now but I sure can apparently#we're used to tuning it out in day to day life because sometimes it can get overwhelming#but being able to feel music is generally pretty fun and it's interesting seeing what different songs feel like#we can also sometimes give ourselves ASMR if we focus enough on the sensations from the synaesthesia which is cool#but I tend to forget we can do that until I do it by accident
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It's so funny when people look at themselves in photos/videos/etc. retrospectively and whatever they have to say about themselves in the old photos/videos is often something like "I look like I'm 12" when they were actually quite a bit older than that. Culturally-approved response to aging.
#I was watching an interview with Stuart and Mark of Big Country from 1989 and apparently they had to watch their first big music video#aka ''In a Big Country'' and the first thing Stuart said about it was ''I look about 12 in it'' and it just made me realize#that pretty much everyone says that? no matter how much older folks are than the original photo/video/etc. the age is always '12'...#at least as a joke people say that. you know.#too bad I can never use that joke because most people think that I'm 12 now. (no they don't but yes they do) but anyway...LOL#I'm just kind of wondering why the age is always '12' as a joke. what is it about the look of 12 year olds that make people think#'ah yes the universal joke age for ''holy shit I was young'': 12'????
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WIP Great Chain drawing
#my art#wotb#wolves of the beyond#decided to make a sideblog to this old af book series that i'm getting back into apparently. started drawing this tn and then made this blo#old fandoms and hyperfixations rly do stick around huh#anyway it started with me being kind of afraid to post on my main account#it's so stupid esp bc i've posted art there for years but#it's like. i'm afraid of being judged or me being judged or ppl thinking it's not good or whatever?#but i've always loved to make art and share it#so. even if it's not on my main rn. here we go#it actually kind of works great bc this is such an obscure fandom#so this blog is a good place to not only post my own shit but to reblog other ppls art#my main blog is. well. my main blog. it has everything on it#it's not really a specific theme/fandom blog or even a mostly-art-blog anymore#i've usually been unable to bother to run or even start side blogs or fandom-specific blogs#but here's my attempt at a blog for this fandom lmao#anyway i drew this bc i'm rereading (on book 2 rn) and faolan has to carve the great chain#so i was like. that's a lot of shit to cram onto one bone/canvas let alone make look good and artistic and such#so i decided to try it to see how it would turn out#i'm drawing it according to the canon list (i think it's in book 1 but it's also on the wiki)#i'm adding some of my own twists tho. like the volcanoes by the gnaw wolf#and the mountains being in the 'rock' category and the fish being in the 'water' part of it#i also decided to make a great chain that shows the beauty and importance of every part of it instead of gnaw wolf mistreatment or other bs#i may eventually add things like worms and bones to the 'dirt' part as well#the things between the 'other four-legged animals' and 'plants' categories are the 'birds besides owls'#i may end up adding more and/or making those more detailed and recognizeable#if i add more shit to this or redraw it i may also add more owls and more gnaw + watch wolves#i don't know if i'll end up bothering bc it's A Lot but i may eventually do a colorized version#maybe on the computer with my tablet (which is not at school rn)#probably a good idea bc i have carpal tunnel and need to be careful w drawing and typing. tbh i also need to finish some hw and go to bed
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the fact that when he got with sister imperator, nihil already had a son that was (at least) in his 20s and two others who were ~10 and she STILL got with him and he STILL fumbled that so bad. truly only the most mediocre succeed in life
#also what an age gap right? what did he do for 20+ years#because apparently secondo and terzo were in their 50s not 60s like i've been hearing#and copia's 52 so i'm putting them at mid/late 50s#so. right! two whole sons less than 10 years old and he's out there touring with the quintessential goth chick#he did not deserve all that! fuck this man#also not to mention this timeline fucks me up because what do you mean he became papa at like. 40#AT BEST#MORE LIKELY 50#THAT MAN DOES NOT LOOK 50 IN DANCE MACABRE!!#guess it makes sense why he says seestor has daddy issues#because damn girl you really bewitched that old man#that 50 year old absentee father#you're a terrible person too but YOU! CAN! DO! BETTER!#anyway wouldn't it be so funny if tobias didn't even think about the timeline and was just saying shit#and none of this is accurate
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2022 reads // twitter thread
The Dawnhounds
adult sff
alchemical biopunk dystopian fantasy world
a thief-turned-cop is demoted, and then murdered
...then she wakes up, resurrected by ancient gods, joins a queer pirate crew, and tries to save her city from corruption
fungi and cool biotech stuff
#The Dawnhounds#aroaessidhe 2022 reads#literally what more could you want#the narrative is a little confusing (i think less so in this version but that's maybe bc it's the 2nd time reading)#but the vibes r great#mushrooms sapphics cats weird god shit#cool integration of te ao māori#i'm very amused by the apparent fact that americans can't understand the nz slang???? there's not even that much?????????#also I put both covers bc i wanted to talk about them.....#(purely from an adjective standpoint; i know both artists and their art is great)#(*objective???)#i feel like the old cover is great all round and has the right dark vibe. but doesn't have the weird sci-fi vibe#the new cover is nice art and has all the right symbols but idk it's not dark enough for me? the musrooms look too nice#not like fucked up fungal colonies#also the composition/typography doesn't match??#I get the feeling the art was drawn with a different typographic comp in mind and then i was changed last minute. so there's weird space.#anyway just my art thoughts lol the book is good#sapphic books
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oh hey i just saw one (1) person make (implied) pepstavo naughties on the bird app. yay.
#it was self-naughties with some gus thoughts and it was really fucking cute#but literally whose butt do i have to fuck to get me some proper pep/stavo naughties#that's like properly tagged and searchable#''skonz you can literally make it yourself'' DO YOU KNOW ME FAM I AM TOO LAZY#mostly i'm just mad about all the ant/on and the lack of gus#like gus is RIGHT THE FUCK THERE#i don't hate it i just really dislike it - like how do i get rid of it CLEARLY blocking the ship tag is not enough lmao#anyway yeah. so one great 34 pep'vo artist whose art i absolutely loved#is apparently writing some sort of fake/st'ick rape comic and i'm just--#like the (unrelated) vore shit i could scroll past but this? nah son bye. sad that your fat old men will now be just a memory 👋#anyway it's like 2:30 in the morning I've had like suburban mom levels of wine and i'm mad :c#i just wanna vent :c#sonja whines
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[LAYS ON THE FUCKING FLOOR] MY MOM LEFT THE GRAVY AND BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP SHE MADE YESTERDAY JUST OUT ON THE STOVETOP OVERNIGHT AND ALL DAY TODAY AND THEN TRIED TO FEED IT TO US
#HELLO!! HELLO!!!!#APPARENTLY SHE HAS A REPUTATION WITH WORK FRIENDS FOR BEING GROSS BECAUSE SHE'LL EAT YOGURT SHE BROUGHT FOR LUNCH 2 DAYS LATER#AFTER KEEPING IT IN A CUPBOARD AT ROOM TEMP#FUCKING??? HELLO??????#I AM ABSOLVED!! OF EVER CARING WHETHER MY MOM THINKS MY RISK ASSESSMENT IS CRAZY!! EVER AGAIN!!! HOLY SHIT!!!#I have in the last two years been transformed from a 'will probably eat last night's pizza' goblin to... Not That#by a couple of well placed foodborne illness psa posts on here actually#but TWO DAY OLD? YOGURT?? TURKEY GRAVY????????? THERE IS NO-- YOU ARE NOT IN THE ACCEPTABLE GREY ZONE OF GROSS ANYMORE#I AM LEGITIMATELY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT#DAIRY???!!!???????? WET!! MEAT SLIMES!!????????? MOTHER.#she SAYS people do it in england and she got desensitized and now she's like 'idk I haven't gotten sick yet haha' dude no! no!!#I am unwilling to believe They Do It In England Routinely without hard evidence that is a DAMNING accusation to level at an entire culture#even one infamous for being food criminals#maybe your husband and his family are just nasty#I can't believe! I actually cannot believe this!! I feel like I've gone insane!!!#like this is not 'I'm 100% correct but could be accused of being paranoid or uptight anyway' this is just... beyond the pale#about me#irl frens#(and family)
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?????? my grandmother would rather stress her body from washing dishes and fully supporting herself on the counter because she's "tired of seeing a dirty sink" than hecking Let Things Be as if I (not we, just me, because my sibling is a Teen that doesn't Do Anything) won't wash the dishes
#i can't stand this#enski is a dork#venting //#family //#every. fucking. time. holy shit#has it been 3 days?#well you also LITERALLY CANNOT STAND UNSUPPORTED but go off i guess#you're 70 and a civil war didn't stop you so#(bruh i thought she was just putting dishes away#not fucking cleaning everything because#a singular dirty dish apparently causes an infestation.)#so anyway she's not only old but a capricorn and this#is probably unfortunately par for the course#i ALMOST feel bad because i was going to do it l8r today but#no one told her to do it but herself#so if she wants to tumble up dishes THAT AREN'T EVEN OURS#she can go ahead#anyway i'm going to marinate in this lmfao
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so sick and tired of every single intersex related post written by a perisex person always abt how intersex is some kind of "scientific gotcha token" ppl use in makin arguments and points or whatever. like please just stfu if all yer ever gonna bring up abt intersex ppl is the fact that we exist. double stfu if u only bring us up to try to aid other groups when u don't even give a shit abt us.
we are not just your footnote on why someone is bein transphobic. we are real people with real issues that no one gives a damn about cause all y'all do is treat us like a monolith.
small side note: can y'all stop tryin to claim intersex shit as other queer stuff just cause you cannot be assed to do any critical thinkin or quick google searches
#text#rotting#mine#got a lil upset abt how many intersex only spaces are heavily medicalized#so I went to tumblr to try to just vibe in more shit abt daily life rather than conditions that can cause intersex#tags flooded w perisex ppl just usin the intersex identity as a gotcha in one paragraph in their 50 paragraph post#sick of it. I'm sick of it!#shout out to other intersexist moments from ppl online includin but not limited to#the time someone tried to tell me if I was intersex that I was trans. that intersex is included under trans. when its not???#I sort of get ppl bein huffy abt my enby ass not bein trans as thats a hot topic but intersex??? really???#this entire post on tumblr of ppl violently misgenderin an intersex man because ppl so badly wanted him to be a trans woman#they called every single person correctin the post a terf. was wild. they didn't even kno who the guy was!#they just misread and ran with the poster's intersexist ass#someone called an old description of an intersex person 'omg bisexual??' and not in the old term for intersexuality#told someone I'm on estrogen after they knew I was intersex n had a chest....#they went 'oh I thought it was like born w penis and tiddies' and I was just so taken aback#after I already discussed I don't want any1 even tryin to guess what's goin on in my pants#not online but u kno what while we're here. thought this one dude was relatively chill but apparently not even after lots of time spent#this is another 'sick of ppl assumin my genitals'. anyways so I do majority of the time present femininely#masks are a godsend for hidin masc facial features let me tell u lmao#I had a very bad stomach ache that day and was bein dramatic abt it. homeboy literally kept tryin to ask if I was bleedin out#first of all I said Stomach Ache. Believe Me. second of all Why The Hell Would You Assume My Down There When We Talked Abt This#and I said that aloud cause I thought he was chill this wasn't even a internal me rant I said it.#homeboy goes 'wait so what is there' and Im just the What The Fuck. Don't Ask That.#oh yea also I'm not pressed abt trans fem ppl reclaimin f*ta altho I wish most also understood it fetishizes intersex folks as well#I know that ones a hot topic among some intersex ppl. Im mostly just pressed abt ppl treatin it as if it only fetishizes trans ppl#I think I'm in general pressed abt ppl presentin some issues or expereinces as only trans things when intersex can and will experience the#same exact thing. yes some intersex ppl are cis. a cis person can experience the same thing as a trans person.#if that makes u uncomfy please do reconsider whether you actually support intersex ppl or if we're just a monolith to you#note: I am not cis either in case someone who doesn't know me reads this
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ok but if i DON'T cover my laptop with fun stickers that represent my personality and interests, then how will an attractive and likeminded stranger in a coffeeshop know to approach me and initiate our coffeshop au love story?
#finally bit the bullet and replaced my old laptop#not the wisest choice since i'm not gonna have an income for a month or two BUT. holy shit it was sooo broken#i didn't realize how fucked up it was until i started using this new one. apparently laptops should hold their charge for more than 2 hours#anyway. i'm gonna wait on the case and stickers until i have a job again but i'm searching redbubble now & saving options#m.txt
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vent!!
#vent post#okay anyways haha i'm five loud noises away from a mental breakdown#do you ever feel so traumatized that you kinda look at everyone and you're like#'damn. they're gonna grow old n shit. you're barely making it to your 22nd'#i'm in. such ridiculous amounts of distress and i feel like i'm barely holding it together#but at the same time every time i try to release it's like my brain provides the most Apathetic Response possible#i think i got so used to intellectualizing my problems that it never hit me that like. apparently i still need to feel them#idk. i feel like i need to punish myself over every small mistake. i'm waiting for the bomb to drop. i'm waiting for Something bad and it's.#it feels like i'm going insane#i'm doing Stupid shit and i know i'm doing stupid shit and i cognitively recognize it but like. i can't help it#if i didn't do it i think i wouldn't have been able to relax? like it would've driven me insane#idk#i'm tired#time to search for New Therapist lmaoooooo
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I found my old Russian professor's VK profile and her pfp is unironically a photo of the USA and Texas flags... ma'am...
#when you move to Texas and make it your entire personality#anyway i also have her CV via my old uni's website lol#she apparently studied German. she never told us this. AND SHE SPEAKS FRENCH TOO? WHAT#she has random shit in her CV like ''I can play guitar'' and ''I'm an equestrian rider''. HORSE GIRL?
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