#anyway love my bookkeeping job lol

[simplyghosting]

TWO HOURS. AT LEAST TWO HOURS FIXING A CHART OF ACCOUNTS. 400 TRANSACTIONS. MORE TO GO. SO MANY MISSPELLINGS AND ACCOUNTS THAT NEED TO BE RECLASSIFIED AS SUBACCOUNTS. IM GOING TO BITE. IM,,,,,,,,

[fairycosmos]

how did you get that kind of job without a university marketing degree or whatever? i'm kinda struggling here :(((((

it was a (relatively) long process of trial and error and a lot of freelance work/not having a stable income but basically to break it down. a few yrs ago i went to careers advice and asked how to maximise my future prospects or whatever and the first thing they said was add ALLL of ur skills onto your resume even if youve never used them in a job role before. if you're proficient in (or capable of learning) excel, photoshop, adobe creative suite, wordpress, social media, copywriting, seo software....even if youve never used it in a professional capacity its rly good to kind of emphasize ur digital skill set as much as possible and start researching it as much as possible too. then i started a wordpress blog and would write copywriting articles on there (or in google docs) even though i had no one to send them to lol just to build a portfolio that i could send out to freelance content and copy writer agencies who were hiring. there's tons of tips and articles and pdfs online that can help you write great articles and help u learn content design. anyway i did this for a longgggg time and finally got some actual freelance work coming in. from this, i started interviewing for actual full time copywriting jobs, and was hired to intern at a digital agency at the end of 2021. did that for months then went back to freelance but was able to get more projects with my slowly growing experience. while doing freelance i was interviewing for a shit ton of full time copywriting and content management roles, most of which i got rejected from after like the 1st interview. finally i heard back from a team i had interviewed for and they had me give a presentation outlining my approach to copywriting/media managemenet and from that they've hired me and ive been really really lucky that they have. unfortunately that's what i think it was more than anything, like a stroke of luck that they saw smth in me and took me on despite me unconventional background. im rly rly grateful to them for it. i would also encourage you to look for literally any volunteer opportunities in admin, soc media, bookkeeping - it looks rly good on the resume and can sometimes expand into a job. also look up general cv tips cause there's a ton of cheatsheets out there that can help you get yours to the top of the pile or near the top. good luck and im really sorry you're struggling atm!! ive absolutely been there and it's honestly so discouraging, the amt of times i quit job hunting while doing freelance out of sheer despair was a lot. it's hard but there are ways to show what you have to offer in a really favourable light, and the more you interview/resume edit/write the better you will get. it's all one horrible big skill at least that's how it felt to me, and i still suck at it. just clawing my way up TBH. anyway sending you a lot of love ❤️ hope you catch the break u deserve soon. X

[literaticat]

I know every day as an agent is different, but of the agent-y tasks you tend to deal with on a regular/daily basis, what makes you happiest/gives you satisfaction? (even if it's something mundane like updating a spreadsheet!)

There are lots of things I like about my job -- but in terms of like, day-to-day satisfaction on a pure and uncomplicated level, it probably actually IS updating spreadsheets lol. I have multiple ones I like updating. (THIS IS NERDY, I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE, I LOVE MY SPREADSHEETS, FEEL FREE TO SKIP)

One is "Books I've Sold" which lists literally every book I've sold since I started (which as of this writing is 565) with the title, author, and vital statistics. And there's a color coding aspect for when the book has been announced, if they owe us money, if I have to chase them for something, etc, though much of that part has slipped into disuse now; when I started, this list was like, the only way to keep track of my books -- now we have a very sophisticated contracts database that runs reports and whatnot so the codes in this spreadsheet are obsolete.

Anyway, it's so long at this point that arguably it isn't that useful and there are different/better ways we organize things, BUT, it's still fun to see everything all in one place and whatever, I like my dang list, it's a tradition! It's fun! It means I sold something! Yay!

One is "Contracts incoming" -- this was a recent invention, from probably late last year, because there was SUCH a backlog of contracts that I was losing track of where they all were in the process (sincerely around Christmas time / Jan I had at least 15 in various stages of completion and it was becoming a shit-show, and another handful that were horrifically late!). . .

So, "Contracts Incoming" is a rolling spreadsheet that ONLY has the contracts in play on it. When I sell a book, I simply add the title author publisher date sold. Once the contract comes, it shifts up and gets color coded and contracts person added, along with the date contract came. It changes color and adds a date when I send them notes or vice-versa, it changes color and adds a date when it is out for signature, and it changes color and adds a date when it is finalized. Once we are paid the on-signing and it is entered into our contract database, it can be removed from the spreadsheet. (I like it because it's really elegant and simple, it's a pretty rainbow, and also it just is really useful for keeping up with where things are and enables me to more easily chase after things that are stuck somewhere in the pipeline).

One is "Payments" -- a yearly spreadsheet that breaks down payments that have come in, author's share, commish/ agency share, my share, etc. So once a week we do our "check run" (which I still call it that though it's mostly not checks anymore but ACH, but ACH run sounds weird ANYWAY) -- on Tuesdays I get a bunch of statements from our bookkeeper / admin of all the payments for my clients that have come in that week. It's my responsibility to look at all of them, make sure that they are correct, match what was due, that the math is mathing, etc, and approve them (or submit changes/clear up confusion) before the payments are processed for the whole agency on Wednesday.

This spreadsheet is fun because, well, I like counting money -- but also because I am obsessed when formulas in excel work correctly, it's like magic, and it's fun to see everything reconcile, and if there IS a problem it's kinda fun to be a detective and figure it out. (And usually it's because of a typo on my end, not an actual problem - but sometimes it's an actual problem and I get to wear my INVESTIGATOR hat!) -- I also find myself checking this ALL THE TIME on behalf of clients who are asking, "did such-and-such come in" or "when did such-and-such happen" or "I got my 1099 but why is this like this" etc -- literally probably check this every other day to answer questions.

USEFUL! SATISFYING! SPREADSHEETS!

[nineteenninety-six]

Cheater Cheater - Part 2

Here’s part two! I’m not sure I like but eh. I made Tommy into a massive asshole in this but truly speaking, he’s always an asshole so lol

I also watched Knives Out last night and omg!! What a great fucking movie, like holy shit. Fun fact, I’m a film student but I’m not a big fan of watching films lol

TAG LIST: @shadow-of-wonder @stassiebabyy @dayna041101 @kingarthurscat @soleil-dor @gothicwidowsworld @captivatedbycillianmurphy @porcelainjokersmadness @futuristicslimemongerbanana 

(I can’t tag some of the people who asked so I’ll see if I can tag you in the notes or smth)

WORD COUNT: 1837 

[PART ONE] 

(Y/N) strolled into the distillery, Alfie’s men greeting her as she passed by. It was nearly one pm and (Y/N) decided to bring her husband lunch, knowing that if she didn’t, he wouldn’t eat until dinner, where she would force him to eat with her.

Alfie’s tendency to spend all day working and less time eating and sleeping reminded her of a certain someone from her past, one that she had tried so hard to forget about over the past three years but it didn’t help that Alfie was very similar to him.

(Y/N) had met Alfie just a few days after she had arrived in London. She had gotten a room at a boarding house with the bit of money she had left with and was prowling the streets of London looking for a job when she had stumbled into a bakery in Camden after a long day of walking around looking for jobs and getting rejected. She had only initially gone in there to buy herself a snack but in a moment of desperation, she had asked if there were any jobs going and just after the man said there wasn’t, the hulking form of a man who had walked into the shop through the back had interrupted the man and told her there was a job vacancy. The man had introduced himself as Alfie Solomons and he was the owner of the bakery and after a brief meeting, he gave her a job of the bookkeeper for the bakery.

As time went on, (Y/N) found herself getting closer and closer to Alfie and after a few months of not so subtle flirting, Alfie had asked her out to dinner as a date and the rest was history. (Y/N) fell for Alfie hard and fast, she had doubts about being in a relationship after what had happened with Tommy and feared that she would never love someone like how she loved Tommy but Alfie quickly erased those fears and doubts and he quickly became the love of her life. (Y/N) had thought that Tommy was the one for her but after a lot of thinking, she realised that her relationship with Tommy was one-sided, she gave him all the love and affection she could whilst he could barely be bothered to reciprocate. To Tommy, she was a someone who loved him unconditionally and would do pretty much anything for him and of course, he didn’t want to throw that away, his affair with Grace wasn’t probably the only time he had cheated on her and as she spent more time with Alfie, (Y/N) realised that she hadn’t truly loved him, not like how she loved Alfie.

Alfie had treated her like a princess, always taking her out and buying her things and if she hadn’t told him that she didn’t care about those materialistic things and all she wanted was him and his love, he would still be spoiling her to this day, though he still has those moments where he gifts her extravagant and expensive things.

After a year of dating, Alfie had proposed and they married only a few months after his proposal. Their wedding was small, only a few of Alfie’s friends in attendance but (Y/N) had no-one. Despite how much she missed Ada and Polly and how much she wanted them there at her wedding, she thought it was best to cut off everyone from or connected to the Shelby family, it was only way she was going to live a safe and peaceful life, though her opinion on living a peaceful and safe life quickly changed after she was followed by a small group of men shortly after the wedding. Luckily for her, some of Alfie’s men had seen what was happening and dealt with them before anything could happen to her but it meant that night Alfie was quietly explaining about what he actually did for a living and how the bakery was just a front to his distillery business before begging and pleading for her not to leave him. (Y/N) had spent a couple of days locked up in one of the guest bedrooms, thinking about her future with Alfie and whether or not being married to a gangster is what she really wants and after those few days of thinking, she left the guest bedroom and tripped over Alfie who had been sitting outside of her door and she was pretty sure she saw tears in his eyes when she told him that she would stay with him and that she had no plan on leaving, not that he would admit he was tearing up anyway.

(Y/N) was happy and content with Alfie and he never got her involved with his illegal business, allowing her to manage to the bakery instead. Her almost three years with Alfie were pretty much perfect.

“Is in Ollie?” (Y/N) asked Alfie’s assistant, Ollie.

“Yes, Mrs Solomons but he has a meeting in a bit” Ollie gave her a smile.

“Ah okay, I won’t be long then.” With one last wave, (Y/N) left Ollie’s desk and made her way over to Alfie’s office.

(Y/N) knocked on the door before she stepped in, a wide smile coming over her face as she locked eyes with her husband.

“Mrs Solomons, how wonderful it is to see ya” Alfie smiled as he leant back on his chair.

“You’re in a good mood, Alf.” (Y/N) made her way over to him, placing the bag with Alfie’s lunch on it on his desk.

“My lovely wife has decided to come visit me, why wouldn’ ah be?” Alfie pushed himself out of his chair and walked around his desk so he could stand in front of (Y/N).

“Uh-hmm” (Y/N) hummed before she pushed herself up on her tippy-toes so that she kiss Alfie.

“Not that I don’t like to see ya luv but what’s the special occasion?” Alfie slowly walked back towards his chair, dragging (Y/N) along with him.

“I brought you some lunch, I know what you’re like.” (Y/N) allowed herself to be pulled by Alfie.

“Ahh!” (Y/N) let out a small shriek as she was suddenly pulled down as Alfie slumped down into his seat.

“Sorry darlin’” Alfie smiled at her, his large hand running up and down her thigh.

“No, you’re not, you horrible person.” (Y/N) muttered.

Alfie simply grinned at her before pulling her into a kiss.

A knock on the door along with Ollie announcing that the person Alfie was supposed to meet had arrived, had the couple pulling away from the kiss. (Y/N) hopped off of Alfie’s lap whilst the man glared at Ollie- or rather the door to his office that separated them for interrupting.

“Stop pouting Alf.” (Y/N) smiled at her husband.

Alfie good-naturedly rolled his eyes before shouting to Ollie to let the man in.

(Y/N) was too busy saying goodbye to Alfie and making sure that he remembered to eat the lunch she bought him to pay attention to who walked it but when Ollie announced who the person was, she left like a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown over her and when she looked at the man with wide eyes, she found her ex-boyfriend looking back at her with surprise written on his face.

“(Y/N)?”

“T-tommy?” “How do you know my wife, Shelby?” Alfie had stood up, his large form standing behind her and a strong, comforting hand resting on the small of her back.

Tommy said nothing, still staring in shock at (Y/N) so Alfie asked (Y/N) instead.

“(Y/N)?”

“This is Tommy, I-uh, my ex from when I was in Birmingham.” (Y/N) said, reaching behind her searching for Alfie’s hand, gripping it tightly when she found it.

“The one who had cheated on you?” Alfie tensed up and growled.

“Yeah…” (Y/N) whispered.

Ollie had smartly escaped and (Y/N) was wishing that she too could escape.

“So you left me for another gangster eh?” Tommy scoffed, disbelief on his face.

“No” (Y/N) retorted, feeling insulted by Tommy’s insinuation, “I left you because you cheated on me and treated me like rubbish Thomas.”

“You blew it out of proportion. You know that if a man cheats on you, it’s because you’re lacking and he has to seek elsewhere.”

Alfie growled, ready to shout at Tommy but (Y/N) spoke up before he did,

“So you sought your way into the Irish whore’s bed who also ended up being a spy that got your brother-in-law thrown into jail and in turn severed your relationship with your only sister? Or how about when she nearly got you killed and the business ruined? I wasn’t the fucking problem Tommy, you were. You and your massive ego.”

(Y/N) didn’t know where all that came from but she was glad she spoke up and finally spoke her mind.

Tommy grit his teeth, “That’s been resolved, everything ended up fine.”

“Oh so I guess you’re still with Grace if everything ended up being fine”

Tommy’s jaw ticked as he hesitated to answer and (Y/N) instantly knew what had happened. She guessed that she was able to read him after all those years together.

“She’s left?” (Y/N) couldn’t help but laugh, “So she spied on you, betrayed you and left you.”

Tommy just glared at her.

“Good, you deserve it.” (Y/N) shook her head, a small smile on her face.

Tommy was visibly angry and opened his mouth, most likely to yell abuse at (Y/N) but Alfie cut in,

“While it was great to see ya mate,” Alfie says, sarcasm dripping from his voice before he switched to a serious and intimidating growl, “I never wanna see you again, now piss off.”

Tommy opened his mouth to argue but Alfie interrupted yet again, “Any business we might have had is finished and if I see you or anyone from your fuckin’ gang around (Y/N) or in Camden, I will kill you.”

Tommy glared one more time at them before storming out of Alfie’s office, the door slamming loudly behind him.

When (Y/N) was sure Tommy was gone, she turned around and cried into Alfie’s chest. Alfie simply wrapped his arms around and slowly rocked them from side to side, whispering comforting words to her along with pressing soft kisses on her head.

When (Y/N) had stopped crying, she slightly pulled away from Alfie and looked up at him, “I’m sorry Alf.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for luv. Don’t worry about him or anyone else eh, you and me are the only one who matter.” Alfie soothed her

(Y/N) wrapped her arms around Alfie and hugged him tightly, grateful for him and his love and support for her. She was glad she had found someone who loved and appreciated her for who she was.

[gaycousinlarry]

Annual Writing Self Evaluation

1. List of works published this year:

Something in the way

Hope Floats 90’s AU. When Louis Tomlinson finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, he packs up his life and takes his daughter back to his childhood hometown to start anew. The problem is—he’s not so sure he’s moving forwards rather than backwards. What he finds in the small Texas town is a whole lot of memories, people who think they still know him and a man who’s spent the past decade waiting for his return.

maybe

52 year old Harry Styles attends the Leicester Bookkeepers conference for the fourth year in a row. He didn’t believe in love at first sight before, but maybe now he does.

Written as part of the 1D Short Fic Fest Spring 2018.

Crush

To Louis it doesn’t matter if Harry wears misfitting cardigans and has rosy cherub cheeks or if he’s the well-dressed, drop dead gorgeous, author of today—Louis has adored him through it all and will continue to do so for as long as he lives.

Written as part of the Anything But(t) Challenge.

a morning like madness

Harry is the kind of girl who deserves to be taken out on sweet romantic dates and to be showered in compliments because she's never expecting them. And now she's with Louis. And Harry acts like she's the one that lucked out.

Part three of the daydreams are made of this series.

Metamorphosis

This is the extraordinarily ordinary AU about two boys extraordinarily in love.

A sequel to Them Butterflies. Third and final part of the series as a whole.

Bleeding Love

Louis is an animal rights activist who throws red paint at fur coat wearing it-girl Harry Styles. Then there's a crack in the surface and something new starts bleeding through.

Written as part of Girl Direction Fic Fest.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Something in the way because I had no idea how challenging it would be to write a movie AU, but I ended up very happy with the result. I think I managed to balance the characters and make them their own while paying tribute to the beautiful mood of the film. I’d never written a kid fic or anything as angsty before either. Harry in this fic is one of the characters I’ve written that I think about and miss the most.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I’m one of those writers who are ridiculously proud of everything they’ve finished hah. If I have posted it on ao3, it’s because I feel like I did a good job so I’ve got nothing to put here. I know I’m not an earth shattering author by any means, but I wish more writers would take pride in what they write anyways. I’ve fricking created whole worlds and been brave enough to share it with others. That’s amazing.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“You like red, right?” Harry asks, and for a moment she looks flustered. The breezy flawless woman who just welcomed Louis into her home melted into a slightly awkward girl with curls growing frizzy with heat. Louis’ belly drops at the sight.

This is from Bleeding Love and I love it because it captures their dynamic as well as the shift from strangers, enemies even, to something entirely different. Describing Harry from Louis’ POV in this fic was so much fun both because Louis is a bit of a mess, but also because Harry is always so much more than what you might think.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Any comments I’ve gotten from wlw on a morning like madness or Bleeding Love means the absolute world to me. I was terrified of writing girl direction at first, so every time a woman says she can relate or even that she thought it was cute/funny/hot, it just makes me so so happy.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Literally all year. This has been the busiest, most mad year of my life and my writing is very affected by my mood and health. I can’t write just to write, so I’ve struggled with all the fics I’ve written this year. I’m so so happy I managed to finish them though, and as always, couldn’t be more thankful I had Nic @louandhazaf by my side to pull me through.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

The second half of Something in the way turned out a whole lot different than I expected, which allowed the characters to grow in ways I hadn’t predicted and made me fall in love with them even more.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I learned that even though I’ve felt like I can’t write at all, I’ve still published 92k of stories I’m proud of. Even when it felt impossible, I had to learn to have patience, to be kind to myself, and to grasp the small moments when I could write.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I hope I can write more and experiment more. I’ve always made fun of the fact that I can’t write plot based stories, and while I’m okay with that for the most part, I do have a story I want to write that won’t happen without a proper plot so. That. I also wouldn’t mind going in the opposite direction and try out some new styles and moods.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

It’s literally always Nic, both as a writer and as a beta she’s one of the most incredible people and she both inspires me and forces me to get better.

Also very much all the girl direction writers who’ve popped up this year, it’s been amazing to watch and I adore you all.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

lol yes

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Be kind to yourself. Nothing gets better because you tell yourself your writing is shit, just the fact that you’re writing is absolutely incredible and more than a lot of people would ever dare to do.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Symbiote/alien Harry AU because it’s so fucking weird and challenging. I’d love to properly start my hockey players in their 30s AU as well. Please.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@newleafover @rosegoldhlfics @disgruntledkittenface

[thistangledbrain]

Day 16!

“Work/school”

Well...EDS robbed me of my ability to work 3-4 years ago, but I can tell you about prior stuff.

I started off going to college right out of high school, but realized I was just burning through money, because I had no idea what to major in - I have *too many* interests, and most of them don’t really translate to a well paying job...not enough to warrant the expense of the education, anyway. If higher education wasn’t so expensive in this country, I would be one of those people who just sort of...collects degrees, though. I daydream of that often...but, thanks to my oldest son, I’m sort of vicariously gaining a bit of higher ed in Physics, one of my *favorite things evarrrrrrr* (but I trip so badly over the math, so idk if I’d ever get far, myself). He sends me pics of his notes, video clips, and when he’s home, we love to sit down while he walks me through all the equations and the processes (and when he explains them to me, it helps him get an even deeper grasp of it sometimes, so it’s good for both of us ☺️). Quantum physics/mechanics and theoretical physics are 🤯 to me, and I can’t get enough! Astrophysics is pretty damn cool, too. One of my favorite things ever is when we nerd out together on this stuff. I remember when he was in high school and first started being interested in it...I was so excited I could barely contain myself (I was already very much obsessed with these sciences), and watched with delight and excitement as his passion grew. I remember he brought home this like 10-15 question beginner physics quiz he took when he first started, that he handed to me. “Can you answer these?” he says, as he hands the paper to me. “Fuck YEAH I can!!!” So I excitedly went down the list - there was only one question I wasn’t sure about (and I think it had to do with thermodynamics but I don’t quite remember)...I just remember HE got so excited that I was already familiar with stuff (like particles and waves), and it was in that moment that we just...gained this incredible connection that still makes me feel all gooshy inside. Physics isn’t the only science that gets me excited, but I’ve written enough about that for now 🙃...

So. Yeah. Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery, go back to school, and probably just stay there LOL...

You guys have already heard me ramble about the Marines, so I’ll leave that part out...

So my work history is similar to my school history, I guess. Rather scattershot. Since I know my keenest interests won’t make me a ton of money (without a degree) or aren’t really necessarily *career* choices, I’ve been fairly comfortable with...idk. Trying things out that I wanted to do, because being rich and having “things” just doesn’t...well, I personally don’t understand the draw, and it has never been a real goal. I’m flying high if I can pay the bills on time LOL...I have to leave the rest of the financial planning to someone else, because I just...don’t...care enough. The things I care about in life *require* money (what doesn’t), but obtaining personal wealth just to have more of it/more “things” baffles me (you can do your “grind” to have your “fat stacks” - my interests lie well outside of material gain, and this is something we just won’t connect on. Your Birkin bag and sweet ride mean positively zero to me as far as how I look at you as a person...except for the fact that I think it’s bizarre for someone to spend tens of thousands on a purse or shoes, and I question their logic lmao). I’m not sure I’ll ever know what it feels like to just want to be rich, and damn near kill yourself to obtain that big house and nice cars and designer clothes or whatever. I like nice things too, but frankly I’d rather actually live my life? I’m not gonna be here long...it makes zero sense to me to break myself for the material gain of “things” (and people who do that, actually upset me a bit. I feel like they’re missing the point....or, it makes me sad to think that their existence is so empty that things like labels and status symbols are what they’re hyperfocused on, what matters the most to them). That being said, I DO enjoy the *immaterial* gains - respect, love, making animals and humans happy and whole, growing my mind, sharing my experiences and knowledge for the benefit of others. This probably sounds way too candy coated and cheesy to believe, but it’s easy to prove through my actions. This is *genuinely* what matters to me.

My first couple jobs were not my speed, but I did learn a lot about how companies run (from an administrative & bookkeeping standpoint), and that’s been sort of my “fall back on” career, since - but it makes me really, really unhappy to be stuck behind a desk, even if the work is fairly interesting or challenging. I’ve also been a horse stable manager, an exercise jockey for race horses (shattered pelvis ended that venture though), worked in an exotic pet store (I LOVE reptiles!!!!), and dabbled in nearly every trade in the construction industry (I am the quintessential “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”)...eventually landing in a position that I was very comfortable with - superintendent/jobsite manager for a smaller residential company. The job was always different from day to day, so I had little time to get bored. I guess that’s the big hangup - i don’t like being bored at my job. (I don’t like being bored, period, but rarely am...even though I live out in the middle of nowhere and don’t have gainful employment anymore. I have tons of interests involving animals, art, and building/creating, plus I love to read and learn. Or take walks through the woods and photograph tiny environments. Train and rehab dogs. Remote train and help people as far away as the UK. If I’m bored, I’m probably just being lazy.)

I’ve realized - and come to learn that many auties share this with me - that working alone or with a very small group of people is ideal. We all have our different strengths and interests, but jobs that keep our brains engaged and keeps us out of “general human traffic” are much preferred. I often wonder how many auties are also actually add/adhd, or if it’s just another facet in our prism. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s both a bane, and a boon, depending on the situation.

You’re HIGHLY likely to come across *a lot* of Auties in STEM fields...or lurking in warehouses and stockrooms, content to be left alone with their thoughts or music while they sort and pack. There are also a crapload of autistics in the creative arts - writing, music, acting, painting, and so on. You are UNLIKELY to find many auties in mundane tasks that require little thinking, long term.

One of my favorite bits from a Temple Grandin lecture was something about how over half of NASA would be gone without autistics, and back in caveman days, it wasn’t the social gabby gabbies around the campfire who were thinking up new tools and weapons - it was us antisocial weirdos off to one side whose brains *just never shut off*. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I struggle to understand the people who think autism is some sort of ...horrible plight that’s descended on the human species. You’d be screwed without us, and I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, because it’s true. We might be weird and make you uncomfortable sometimes, but we do some DAMN cool shit. We just might prefer to do it in ways that don’t make sense to you. It doesn’t HAVE to make sense to you - WE don’t have to make sense to you (and we probably won’t anyway, so why do you keep trying? Try just accepting instead).

I’ve been slowly collecting links to Autie blogs, artistic works, scientific contributions, and so on. When I’m satisfied that it’s a broad cross section of who we are and what we do/contribute to society, I’ll share it...but in the meantime...

We might be more comfortable within certain parameters (like, “can I please keep the fluorescent lights off in my office”), but shoooo lawd, don’t sell us short on anything else. Just cut us loose and let us do our thang. ☺️

[anxiousheart4]

Looking for a Lifeline!

I know it's been a while since I’ve posted in my own words, in fact it's been almost a year, I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been terrible at keeping up with journaling, so why would I think blogging would be any different? Lol. 

If you haven’t noticed, I am a fan of TWLOHA and its message to everyone. I've always followed them, and they mean a great deal to me. So I hope in my absence, you’ve enjoyed the posts of theirs I've been sharing.  🙂

Anyways, I don’t have any really good excuse for while I haven’t posted for a long while  (well I do between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, but not since then), and I even got a new laptop this year, that works SOOOO much better then my old, glitchy, slow ass one; so not having a computer can’t be my excuse. And I've had a lot of free time this Summer, so I can’t even say I was busy either. Basically no excuse, but I’m back; so lets catch up.

So, between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was working 4 jobs!

-Mon-Fri 8am-4pm at an office job that I hated.

-Sat & Sun at the Zoo taking kids photos with Santa

-And then Mon-Fri nights, I switched between working at my local GameStop, and helping at my other local Zoo taking Santa photos as well.

The office job I was working was doing bookkeeping at a nursing home. I met some nice residents there, and some mean ones. I met some nice co-workers, and some I didn’t quite get along with. There was 3 other girls in my office. 

One was extremely nice and helpful, and patient with trying to teach me, I got along with her quite well. I would actually have conversations with her, and it felt like she did want to get to know me. 

Another was the Boss’ wife, and she was nice and all, but also very intimidating, and she never made me feel welcomed; she would be having a conversation with the other 2 girls, but as soon as I tried to join the conversation it was like “we got to get back to work” and the conversation stopped. 

And the last girl, I would have thought I would have gotten along with her so well, we have the same taste in music and tv shows, I was like oh yay we can bond! NOPE! I did everything she gave me to do, and asked me to do and it was never good enough, or fast enough, or competent enough, or just enough. She made me feel like a complete failure! And unless she needed me for something, it was like I didn’t even exist! She would go out for lunch, and ask the other 2 girls in the office if they wanted her to bring back anything, and she never even looked my way and asked me once, never! Seriously the best days at work were when she didn’t come in for some reason or another.

Besides the one girl, no one else ever tried to make me feel welcomed in the office, I spent 6 months of my life feeling like an outcast at work, looking for a lifeline, just trying to survive. Apparently the girls in the office went out after work and hung out together, not like I was ever invited to join and get to know them. Instead I went to the movie theater next to work where a friend of mine was a manager and would stop in to see her or go see a movie all by myself. The only time I was ever invited out with them was when they would go to lunch for someones birthday, and still I think that was mostly because every one split the bill evenly except the birthday girl (which I do approve of), so it was a little less money for everyone else. Only the one girl made me feel like I was actually welcomed, otherwise I just listened to their conversations, cause no one seemed to wanna include me. And Surprise Surprise! They never did anything for my birthday! They do all this stuff for the employees birthdays, bring in breakfast, go out to lunch, decorate their office, etc. all I got was a generic card they did for everyone “Happy Birthday from ’The Companies Name’”.

I think one thing that can make even the worst job in the world bearable, is your co workers. I’ve had some terrible jobs, but I had some awesome co workers, so I didn’t dread going to work as much everyday because I got to see them. Safe to say, most of my coworkers there never made me feel like a coworker, a friend, or anything else. I went to work everyday dreading the next 8 hours of my life. When I got let go, I never even said good bye to any of the other people who worked I the building, I only said good bye to the nice one in my office and that’s it. So the ONLY things I liked about the job, was that I got to sit down to work, and the money, oh the money! I miss the money soo bad! But the job gave me SOOO much stress and anxiety, idk if it was worth the money. 😞

Although, I was able to buy my new computer, a MacBook Air, and I have wanted a MacBook since I was in high school, I just could never afford it.

My other jobs, were pretty good, only minor complaints. But I LOVED my coworkers at the other 3 jobs! The biggest complaint was that I had no time to myself because I was so busy.

Gamestop was cool, after only being there for a couple weeks they interviewed me for a supervisor position, they believed I was competent enough! The only reason I didn’t take it, was cause I got the office job, and I couldn’t turn down the money (though now I wish I hadn’t, it would have saved me soo much stress and anxiety). So I stayed seasonal, so when the holiday season was over, my employment was over there. 

The one Zoo I worked at during the week, I've worked at for years now, and I love it, and the guys who play Santa are sooo nice, I get some really nice guests, and 90% of the time everything goes smoothly, and I actually hang out with my coworkers outside of work! 

The other Zoo I worked at Sat & Sun was pretty much the same as the first Zoo, I love my co workers, and actually hang out with them outside of work. The big complaint about that Zoo, was the guy who played Santa. HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He had an opinion on everything, and had a problem with how we run our business, and he wouldn’t even let the kids tell him what they wanted for Christmas. We told him we wanted to get a picture of the kids talking to him, and he would tell the kids to “look at him and PRETEND to tell him what they wanted” and then as soon as I took the photo, even if the kid was in the middle of something he would just kick the kid off his lap and move on to the next family. I’m sorry, but if I had kids, I would definitely NOT want them to go see that Santa! I don’t see how so many people line up to see him, and he’s been Santa at the Zoo for years! How has he not lost the Zoo business! But I still like my job, so I'm going back again this year! Lol

Anyways, so that was my holidays, as were coming up to another holiday, lol.

After the holidays, and my busy schedule, I went to Arizona and Mexico for 10 days, and it was AMAZING and relaxing, with only a few hiccups. Like an all inclusive resort without free wifi! What is that? I was gonna use wifi to check in with family back home, but that didn’t happen! And the the room was falling apart, and one of our rooms had bugs in it, and maids didn’t clean very well, like wtf kind of resort was this? But besides that, I got to see and hang out with my sister from another mister who lives in AZ and I don’t get to see often. We went line dancing, which was FANTASTIC! I got to spend my 29th birthday in Mexico, Florida, and AZ + flying over the states between! And with the time difference my birthday lasted 26 hours instead of 24! And I didn’t think about work once during the whole trip until they day I had to come back, and it was because I didn’t wanna come back and go to work!

WOW this is getting long, I'm sorry, only a couple more topics I need to talk out. Its been a very stressful year!

Well after I lost the office job, I've been pretty much Ubering for money, and not making too much of it. But all summer I got to spend weekends going to Bridal/Baby Showers, Weddings and family parties, which I've never really gotten to do before (well besides the weddings, I've never missed a family wedding), so that was awesome! And the weekends we didn’t have an parties, I went up north to my family’s summer home, which my parents just got about 2 years ago, and I’ve barely been able to go before. Which is soo much fun! Ice cream socials, the pool, bonfires, drinking games, bar hoping out on the boat! Nothing about it isn’t fun! So YAY!

If you remember, last November I moved in with my 93 year old grandma with dementia. This experience has been stressful. She spends her days trying to call her mother and grandmother, who are at the cemetery; pacing around the house; she puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher away and washes clean dishes twice; she sets the air conditioning and heat up to 80 degrees, I swear she’s trying to kill me. Its very hard, but I love her, and I love that I get this time to spend with her. And thank god for my mom who is only a call away to help with grandma when my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t deal with her atm, I wouldn’t survive this without her!

This week is going to try me though. I’m staying home all week with grandma, because she just had surgery. She had skin cancer on her nose, and they had to remove it. She’s fine, but she has a bandage on her nose that she isn’t suppose to take off, and yet she does like every time I look away, she’s not supposed to irritate it by touching it or blowing her nose, but she tries to blow her nose every 5 mins. And she’s suppose to sit down and relax with her head back so it doesn’t start bleeding again, I swear she won’t stay sitting if her life depended on it. Ill probably write more about living with her at a later date, but Ill leave it to that now. 

Lastly, while I was sitting down writing the blog post, I got a call that just devastated me. My grandma on my other side, has been having some health issues the last week and it has not been looking good, I was going to go see her tomorrow night. Well my mom called me to let me know that she passed away tonight. She was 82 years old, and though she would technically be my step-grandma, she was the only one I ever knew on that side, and I loved her just the same. My dads mom died of tuberculosis probably about a decade before I was born, but my grandpa remarried an amazing woman, and some of my extended family had trouble accepting her (the cousins opinions, usually based on their parents, who probably thought she was trying to take their mothers place, like some kids react to a step mom), but I always saw her as grandma. What kills me is the last time I saw her, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye! It was my cousins wedding at the beginning of October, and even though I talked to her during the wedding, when she left that night, I was out on the dance floor or somewhere, and didn’t know she was leaving, so I never said goodbye. And now I'll never have the chance too!! I know she knew I loved her, and though her body was deteriorating, her mind was still has sharp as ever! She was a sweetheart! And my sister and I kept saying we were going to go visit her and bring her dinner, or watch the Blackhawks game with her, and as much as we said it, we barely ever went, and I really wish we had! She was an amazing woman and I’m so happy I got to call her Grandma, but I’m going to regret not spending more time with her when I could, especially near the end! When my Grandpa died, over 15 years ago, I had actually seen him the week before, and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye before I left. Plus he died 2 days after Christmas, and he used to give all the grand children $10 for Christmas (there was 29 of us at the time so for him that was still a lot of money), so I had gotten one last Christmas present from him, which I never spent. I have $10 just sitting in a jewelry box, because nothing ever seemed important enough to spend it on. And after he died I was given his guitar, which I still cherish! I fear I won’t have nothing but 1 picture with my grandma to remember her by. Its going to be hard to say goodbye!  😭

So since its 2 am, and I've been holding back tears while I've been writing this post, and my anxiety and depression will probably be bad this week, I think its time for me to go to bed. Sweet Dreams sweet readers!