#anyway my last self insert was juniper

[bosspigeon]

what dumb tree/nature name should I give my self-insert Durge?

[eggcatsreads]

May Reading Wrap-Up

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Favorite Read of the Month:

Master of One by Jaida Jones and Dani Bennett (GR review)

Rags is a thief until he's caught by the Queensguard and forced to find an ancient fae relic for a sadistic royal sorcerer. And now he's forced on a journey to find the rest of these relics so they can save the world before it's destroyed.

Y'ALL. THIS BOOK DOES NOT GET ENOUGH LOVE AND THAT IS A CRIME. THIS CAME OUT IN 2020 AND THERE'S NOT EVEN A WHISPER OF A SEQUEL IN THE WORKS??? HELLO??? MORE PEOPLE NEED TO READ THIS SO THERE'S ENOUGH HYPE FOR THE AUTHORS TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES.

This is the queer fantasy adventure we've all wanted and it's been slept on. (Personally, I think it's the cover and the name keeping people from picking this book up.) Trust me, this book is PHENOMENAL. If you have ever read a fantasy adventure with some romantic tension in it, and thought "okay but what if it was gay?" then THIS IS THE BOOK FOR YOU.

The best way I can describe it is if Crier's War and Realm Breaker had a baby. If you haven't read both of those books (what are you doing?) I'll try to describe the vibes. It's Crier's War in that it's a queer fantasy story where the protagonists are practically fighting against society itself to correct the corruption throughout the realm, where solving this won't be an easy fix - as well as it standing in the way of the romance, where two people from different worlds try to come together anyway and overcome the obstacles. It's Realm Breaker in that it's a found family adventure story where you collect more and more characters along the way as they have to fight to save the realm before it's destroyed. It's the love of my life in that I stayed up until like 6am to finish it in one sitting.

READ THIS BOOK. PLEASE.

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Other Five Star Reads:

Painted Devils by Margaret Owen (GR review) (series)

Let’s get one thing straight—Vanja Schmidt wasn’t trying to start a cult.

If you haven't read Little Thieves yet, what are you doing? Read that, read this (the sequel), cry at the ending, and then wait with me with baited breath for Holy Terrors. While you're at it, read Margaret Owen's other book series, The Merciful Crow. She's a fantastic author.

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Yellowface by R.F. Kuang (GR review)

Authors June Hayward and Athena Liu were supposed to be twin rising stars: same year at Yale, same debut year in publishing. But Athena's a cross-genre literary darling, and June didn't even get a paperback release. Nobody wants stories about basic white girls, June thinks. So when June witnesses Athena's death in a freak accident, she acts on impulse: she steals Athena's just-finished masterpiece, an experimental novel about the unsung contributions of Chinese laborers to the British and French war efforts during World War I.

R. F. Kuang is a PHENEMONAL writer, and in this darkly humorous memoir from the white women who stole the manuscript for her famous Asian-American author "friend" when she died, you won't be able to stop to take a breath before you realize you've finished the book in one sitting. In an impressive twist of expectations, R.F Kuang's self-insert character ISN'T the main character - she's the one who dies.

Instead, we're stuck inside June's ("Juniper Song's") head as she complains about the unfairness of political correctness and how only minority authors are getting the big breaks now, and no one supports her work because she's white. So when her friend dies unexpectedly in front of her one night, she takes the opportunity to steal her book and pass it off as her own - and it's a cultural phenomenon of a book - until her fraud comes to light. Her response to all of this will keep you on your toes until the last page.

Also R.F. Kuang has a trilogy called The Poppy War which I HIGHLY recommend reading. She's also written Babel, which while I liked, academia focused books aren't my forte. However, reading all four of these books can kind of lend some insight into Yellowface, as R.F. Kuang takes the criticisms she's faced and turns it around to mock them in this book, and there were a few moments I laughed out loud because I knew EXACTLY what book and where a certain criticism came from. It's not required, but if you were interested at all in these books, I recommend them before Yellowface, if you can.

-----------------------

The Witness for the Dead by Katherine Addison (series)

When the young half-goblin emperor Maia sought to learn who had killed his father and half-brothers, he turned to an obscure resident of his Court, a Prelate of Ulis and a Witness for the Dead. Thara Celehar found the truth, though it did him no good to discover it. He lost his place as a retainer of his cousin the former Empress, and made far too many enemies among the many factions vying for power in the new Court. The favor of the Emperor is a dangerous coin. Now Celehar lives in the city of Amalo, far from the Court though not exactly in exile. 

Thara Celehar my beloved. I would die for you, you sad gay wet cat of a man.

-----------------------

Rest of Books Read Under the Cut:

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Grief of Stones by Katherine Addison (series)

Thara Celehar continues to be a sad gay wet cat of a man, as we watch him go on his little adventures and solve crimes.

Babel by R.F. Kuang

1828. Robin Swift, orphaned by cholera in Canton, is brought to London by the mysterious Professor Lovell. There, he trains for years for the day he’ll enroll in Oxford University’s prestigious Royal Institute of Translation—also known as Babel. The tower and its students are the world's center for translation and, more importantly, magic. Silver-working—the art of manifesting the meaning lost in translation using enchanted silver bars—has made the British unparalleled in power, as the arcane craft serves the Empire's quest for colonization.

Dragonfall by L.R. Lam

Long ago, humans betrayed dragons, stealing their magic and banishing them to a dying world. Centuries later, their descendants worship dragons as gods. But the gods remember, and they do not forgive.

Tbh this might have been 5 stars if the main character wasn't so vanilla that he'd see a half dragon/half man hybrid saving his life and didn't immediately want him, and instead went to hide and think about it. SIR. WHAT.

Also it's the classic enemies to lovers, one has to kill the other and the other doesn't know it, betrayal love stories we all love. Except gay. And with dragons. So better.

-----------------------

Seven Faceless Saints by M.K. Lobb

In the city of Ombrazia, saints and their disciples rule with terrifying and unjust power, playing favorites while the unfavored struggle to survive. After her father’s murder at the hands of the Ombrazian military, Rossana Lacertosa is willing to do whatever it takes to dismantle the corrupt system—tapping into her powers as a disciple of Patience, joining the rebellion, and facing the boy who broke her heart. 

Sisters of the Lost Nation by Nick Medina

Anna Horn is always looking over her shoulder. For the bullies who torment her, for the entitled visitors at the reservation's casino...and for the nameless, disembodied entity that stalks her every step--an ancient tribal myth come-to-life, one that's intent on devouring her whole. With strange and sinister happenings occurring around the casino, Anna starts to suspect that not all the horrors on the reservation are old.

Our Hideous Progeny by C.E. McGill

It's 1853 London. Frankenstein's great niece Mary Saville and her husband, Henry, are trying to follow in his scientific footsteps and become renowned paleontologists. But after finding clues to her great uncle's disappearance, Mary's luck may just change. She constructs a plan that will force the scientific community to take her and her husband seriously; no one will be able to ignore them after they learn to create life.

-----------------------

Books read so far this year: 59

How I rate books.

[zackcollins]

40 miles to canada || tyson jost

Author’s Note: I got struck by the inspiration bug after looking at more prompts online. This literally has nothing to do with the prompt I found but I’m still happy with the end result. This is my second self-insert/imagine, so be gentle again as I’m still learning. Once again, GIF credit goes to the original creator.

Warnings: I don’t mention it by name but there’s an allusion to the current world situation. If that’s not your cup of tea, I completely understand!! There’s also a few swear words if that bothers you.

Words: 1.8k+

Title: Alberta Bound by Paul Brandt

Additional: I know this story is a lot farther of a distance than 40 miles from Canada but just go with it. Once again, the language is gender-neutral, as to allow the reader to be any gender. <3

The sun was rising along the horizon, illuminating the mountains in wistful light. You were sitting on your balcony, sipping idly on a mug of tea. The temperature outside was somewhat nippy but you couldn’t stand sitting inside your apartment right now; you had been stuck inside the confines of its walls long enough to last you a lifetime. You needed to enjoy some fresh air before you went insane; the wonderful thing was you were on your own balcony so nobody could stop you.

Taking another sip of tea, you heard a wolf howl from somewhere in the distance. Your back splintered with lukewarm sensations from the howl. You weren’t scared; you knew you were safe because your apartment was on the seventh floor. No, what you were feeling was excitement from being surrounded by the wonders of nature.

Another howl sounded off in the distance making another lukewarm splintering sensation work down your back. You sipped from the mug once again, lips puckering when you realized the tea had started to cool. Cold tea wasn’t your favourite but you would drink it anyway; you didn’t like wasting food and drinks once you had already started consuming them.

A sudden vibration made you jostle in your seat making you spill some of the tea on your blanket. Cursing, you placed the mug on the patio table. As you were rubbing two pieces of the blanket together to reduce the stain, a more incessant vibration filled the air. Dropping the blanket, you glanced at the patio table. You noticed that the noise was being caused by your phone vibrating against the glass top of said table. Grabbing your phone, you smiled when it displayed a video chat request from your boyfriend; you accepted the request as fast as humanly possible.

“Tyson, baby, hi,” you said, waving at him.

Tyson smiled, waving back. “Hello, (Y/N). How’s my snocone doing?”

Blushing, you hid the lower half of your face under the blanket. Tyson had started calling you that as a joke because he had found out your first job in high school was working at a snocone stand at a summer carnival. The joke had been going on for your entire two-year relationship because you secretly liked being called a snocone but would never admit it to Tyson. The look he got on his face every time he thought you were flustered was too precious to chance destroying.

Chuckling, Tyson rolled onto his side on the screen. You felt your heartstrings pull taut in your chest. Uncovering your face, you looked at Tyson and quirked your lips awkwardly. Tyson’s own lips faltered from their confident smile. He sighed, lifting his arm up and resting his head on his hand.

“I know, (Y/N). I know,” he said, raking his other hand down his face. “I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me.”

“I still feel bad that I couldn’t go to Alberta with you,” you sighed, feeling the tears prickling the corners of your eyes. Taking the corner of the blanket, you wiped your eyes. “We both need each other right now. And I had to stay in Denver because of school and a job that laid me off two weeks into this whole shitshow.”

“Snocone, hey, it’s alright. Love doesn’t have to be up close and personal. What matters to me is that I still get to talk to you whenever we can.”

Before you could respond, your apartment intercom beeped.

“Tyson, hang on. Someone’s at the intercom.” You noticed a faint smile on Tyson’s face as you placed your phone on the patio table.

The intercom beeped a second time before you reached it. Rolling your eyes at the impatience of whoever it was, you pressed the button.

“Yes? Can I help you?” You asked, a little annoyed.

“I have a delivery for (Y/N). Is this the right address?” The lady that responded sounded annoyed as well. Two’s a company, you guessed.

“Yes, that’s me. I’ll buzz you in.” The lady hummed as you punched in your building code for the front gate. A loud buzz echoed in your apartment to signal that you had entered the correct code. “Alright. The gate should be open now.”

The lady’s response was cut off by you releasing your finger from the intercom button. You went to sit on the living room couch, your mind racing slightly. You hadn’t remembered ordering anything but you couldn’t completely rule out the possibility that you had; your mind was all over the place recently so you might have purchased something and forgotten.

You were counting the ceiling tiles when you heard someone knock on the door. Rushing to the door, you unlatched the deadbolt before swinging it open. As you were expecting, the delivery lady was standing there.

“(Y/N), right?” The lady asked. When you nodded, she handed you the gift basket she had been holding. She handed you a pen and turned her clipboard to face you; she motioned along the line on the bottom of the page. “Sign there and this is all yours.”

Crudely scribbling your signature, you smiled awkwardly at the delivery lady. She turned the clipboard back to herself and nodded. She didn’t say anything before she walked off. You blinked as you stood in your doorway holding the gift basket.

After a moment of shock, you backed into your apartment and closed the door. You shook your head to make sure this was real; when it was clear that it was, you returned to the patio, gift basket in hand, to resume your call with Tyson.

You placed the gift basket on the table, slid into your seat, and picked up your phone. Tyson quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head.

“Who was it?” He asked.

“A delivery lady,” you said, situating yourself under the blanket. “She had some kind of gift basket. Which is weird because I didn’t order anything.”

Tyson smiled, making a vague motion with his hand. “You should open it. I wanna see who had the balls to send something to my partner.”

Quirking your eyebrow, you propped the phone against the umbrella in the middle of the patio table.

“Is there a card?”

“Not that I see,” you said, crinkling the translucent, red wrapping in between your fingers. “I’m just going to open it. Alright?”

“Be my guest,” Tyson chuckled, grinning.

Not wanting the wrapping to blow away, you used your phone as a paperweight until you could go inside to the garbage can. The first thing you grabbed from the basket was a stuffed animal that looked like Bernie, the Avalanches’ mascot. You smiled as you squeezed it against your chest. You thought you heard Tyson’s breathing falter but you were just as sure it could’ve been the wind against your juniper bush. The next thing you grabbed was a coffee mug. It had Tyson’s name and number on it. You smiled, placing it on the patio table. The last thing in the basket was an Avalanche jersey. Carefully, you removed it from the basket. Looking at the back of the jersey, you nearly had a heart attack.

“T-Tyson,” you squeaked, dropping the jersey so Tyson could see your face. “Why does this jersey have my first name and your last name on it?”

You heard Tyson audibly swallow. He motioned to the stuffed animal. “Open the brandy barrel on Bernie.”

Dropping the jersey in your lap, you grabbed Bernie. It took you a moment but you eventually located the button that opened the brandy barrel around Bernie’s neck. When you pressed it, the barrel opened with a soft tck.

Something clattered to the ground and made you look toward your phone screen. Tyson was nervously staring at you, fidgeting with his hands. You smiled nervously at him before bending down to see what you had dropped.

The sun appeared a little higher on the horizon then; as it did, it cast a ray of light across something metallic that was next to the chair leg. Raising a confused eyebrow, you grabbed the metallic object. Your breath hitched and your heart rate doubled when you realized what it was.

Leaning back up to look at Tyson, you showed him what you had found.

“Tyson...” you trailed off, honestly unsure of what you had wanted to say in the first place.

“I know this isn’t ideal, (Y/N),” Tyson said, wringing his hands together. After a moment, he shifted his positioning so that he was on one knee. “I also know I’m half out of frame but this is what we’ve got right now, so hear me out.” Tyson’s voice was faltering. You felt the tears prickling your eyes as you squeezed Bernie close to you to simulate Tyson being there. “You’ve been the best partner in the last two years that any man could ask for. You’ve come to every one of my home hockey games. You’ve helped me through injuries; helped me through scoring droughts; helped me through losing streaks. You made the winning better; it made losing easier. The guys love you; my parents and sister love you. I love you. Will you marry me, (Y/N)?”

You had started crying when Tyson had said you helped him through his injuries; you were crying even harder now. “Yes, Tyson. Of fucking course, I’ll marry you.”

Tyson leaned back into the frame; your heart stuttered when you saw the tear streaks on his cheeks and the red tint to his eyes. He wiped his face with his shirt sleeves, chuckling happily the entire time. You matched his action, wiping your own face with your blanket.

“Hey, snocone,” Tyson said after wiping his eyes.

“Hm?” You replied, dropping the blanket into your lap.

“You actually have to put the ring on now that you said yes.”

“Oh... oh fuck,” you mumbled, sliding the ring on the correct finger. Hitting yourself in the forehead, you sheepishly looked at Tyson. “Sorry about that. I guess I was just so excited that I forgot.”

Tyson chuckled, wiping his face one more time. “It’s okay, snocone. We just made a great memory to share with our kids about how their parents got engaged.”

You felt that same lukewarm splintering sensation from the wolf howl make its way down your back.

“I’m so ready to start a family with you,” you whispered, hoping Tyson wouldn’t hear. Even though Tyson had brought up kids, you were still tentative about that part of yourself.

“Then we’ll start one as soon as possible,” Tyson replied, smiling endearingly.

You lit up, feeling more tears prickling the corners of your eyes. You wiped them away with your shirt sleeve before looking at Tyson fondly.

“I love you, Tyson Jost.”

“I love you too, (Y/N) Jost.”

You felt your heart swell.

(Y/N) Jost. (Y/N) Jost.

Yeah, you definitely liked the sound of that.

[coasttocoastreads]

Welcome back to Week 2 of Coast to Coast Reads! Who’s still alive? Katya and I are dying while social distancing, but at least we had a few laughs discussing this book:

Crescent City (House of Blood and Earth) // Sarah J Maas

★★ / ★★★★★

Summary in one two gif(s):

Real Summary:

Crescent City, a place where vanir (supernatural beings such as angels, fae, shifters, etc.) and humans freely mingle and go about their days. Bryce Quilan is a 20-something fae/human who’s still reeling from the murder of her friends 2 years ago. But after she’s commissioned to help search for an ancient artifact, Bryce, along with her new angel partner Hunt, unearth previously buried secrets about the murder that threaten to expose a worldwide conspiracy. 

Pros:

Great side characters. I would die for each and every one of them.

Lots of different mythological creatures! Not just another Fae Book™️

Cons:

It’s literally ToG 2-7 combined. If you read Throne of Glass, you’ve already been spoiled for this book. 💀💀💀

It’s wayyyy too long

Drags a lot in the beginning

Plot .5/5 (the .5 is for you, Lehaba)

What can I say. SJM literally plagiarized herself by taking the plotline of the tog books and translating it to this new setting. The writing itself was subpar, and most of the time it felt like the author herself had no idea where the plot was going, instead letting it drag on until a plot twist that makes no sense is revealed. (You’ll know which one I’m talking about when you get there.) I’ll compare CC with ToG with spoilers under the cut. 

Pacing 2/5

The beginning is full of info-dumping as SJM tries to set up this world which is metaphorically like ours, but everyone’s hot and does fantasy cocaine all the time.  It narrates boring day-to-day schedules that could have been condensed into a paragraph and at times I was tempted to skip ahead. The plot does pick up near the last 25% though, so I’ll give it that. 

Worldbuilding 2.5/5

It was confusing. To be fair, after all the info was dumped at the beginning, I didn’t bother going back to try to figure things out when they popped up again after. But like still??? I think I only started understanding the hierarchy of the government with the Asterrii(?). Also what are the Triarii I am still lost. SJM attempts to blend a more modern society with one of fantasy creatures, and for the most part it succeeds, but it often just feels...strange. I think the one thing I’m most hung up about is why swords and guns still coexist. Like ??????? it’s one or the other plssssss abandon the “aesthetic” Also while they literally have cell phones and keurig machines there aren’t common things like cars? Why.

Characters: (This is unconventional, bear with me)

Main Characters: -infinity/5 they could go die for all I care

Bryce and Hunt were both super unlikeable, 10/10 would let fall from a cliff. They are literally just rewrites of Aelin and Rowan? Bryce is like ahahaha yeah people think I’m Just a dumb vapid Female™️ who parties too much and gets trashed but SIKE I’m actually the chosen one and I’ve been hiding it this whole time because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings uwu. And did I mention I’m actually a trained Warrior who can keep up with The Boys? It’s Aelin y’all. There are numerous times where a character says that she’s not stupid and I’m like...are you sure... This girl makes the poorest decisions, yet ofc, there aren’t any long term consequences... (Also 99% of her problems come from ghosting people literally just respond with “k” sis)

Hunt is... idek what to say about Hunt. He’s just Rowan but in angel form. His inner monologue cycles between I must pay off my debt so I can gain Freedom 😔, why is Bryce so hot 🥴, and Shahar 😭. Once again, literally Rowan who also was bound to some evil villain, had the hots for their CENTURIES YOUNGER pupil/protectee, and had an old lover die tragically which led to them believing they can never find love again UNTIL BryLin comes along. Snooze. 

Side Characters: Infinity/5 

Ruhn Danaan was the most valid character and that’s the hill I’ll die on. He literally just wanted to protect his sister cuz she’s stupid af but she keeps pushing him away bc he’s an “alphahole” (haha how subversive :/) I want a whole book about him and Hypaxia, preferably fanfiction so I don’t have to read “soft feminine breathing” ever again.

Literally all the supporting cast- Lehaba, Therion, Ithan, Jesiba, Flynn, Connor, etc, etc. had more compelling characters and side stories than Bryce/Hunt. I was 100% more invested in them and I can’t wait to read/write more about them. 

(Pls let me marry Jesiba Roga or Therion 🥺)

But while the people on the “good” side were spectacular, the villains all felt one-dimensional and the product of over-recycled and overused tropes mashed together. Sandriel and Pollux are literally just Maeve and Cairn (is that his name)

I’d recommend for:

People who loved Throne of Glass and are lamenting the absence of new content. Please read about Rowaelin 2.0

People stuck at home during this global crisis and have too much time on their hands. (If you need that free epub, hmu)

People who are willing to skip all scenes that feature just Bryce and/or Hunt 

People who hate themselves

Would I travel here?

Sorry, what? Already shredded my passport, not getting a replacement, sorry. 

Overall thoughts:

I wish I could somehow take those hours of my life back but alas. 

See y’all in two weeks with a hopefully better book selection,

Tiff

Spoilers under cut

Okay time to VENT

OKAY so CC=ToG, let’s break down how

Danika’s death is the Nehemia Incident, setting the mc up for a journey of self discovery/reclaiming their power. They both show up as ghosts later to encourage mc in a time of great self-struggle.

Syrinx if Fleetfoot. bc all female mc’s need a pet to reveal her Feminine and Soft side

Sandriel and Pollux are Maeve and Cairn. Evil female character with vast power and her torturer? COOKIE CUTTER FORMULA. The scene where Bryce offers herself up for Hunt in the lobby also kinda mirrors that scene in..HoF? QoS? Don’t remember, but pretty sure that happened. Also that scene was so fucking dumb, I really thought Bryce had a Smart Plan, but I was bamboozled once again. 

A gem from my notes: “Bryce is Aelin but with cocaine”

I think the whole demon portal thing is a ripoff of ACOWAR (or is it KoA I can’t even remember), sacrificing yourself to close the rift, etc, etc. 

Anyways, Bryce = Aelin, a party-girl front with a sob backstory that’s her superpower origin story who always has a Plan. 

Hunt = Rowan, broody warrior busy repaying debts getting orders they don’t want while pining over a lost love. They reluctantly let the female mc in and voila they’re in LOVE

The whole “plot twist” that revealed Hunt’s true plan along was so fucking dumb...

It wasn’t a plot twist, it was just plain bad writing

There was no set up at all, nothing alluding to Hunt secretly masterminding an attempted coup with the help of Magic Meth

The whole time I was like “...this is part of their plan right. There’s no way he legit planned this...”

Character’s POVs should reveal what they’re thinking, even if you’re just hinting at something to reveal later...this was just lazy

Another thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the sudden reveal that Fury and Juniper had been in a relationship the whole time? Despite like above, there was no prior allusion to that?

It felt like half-assed representation at best and completely irrelevant to the story with it coming up again in a throwaway line near the end

Also? I’m fairly certain there was a scene in the beginning where they were all out clubbing and Juniper hooked up with some rando while Fury was also at the club with them? Was this before they got together or did SJM insert this so last minute that no one caught it?

Wtf is sunball. Can someone just help me out here.

Some people have been saying Hunt is Asian coded? Where???!!!!! All I’m seeing is the same stuff she pulled in ACOTAR where all the Illyrians were tan so people could claim they were poc for woke points but not get in trouble for art depicting them as white ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SJM pls stay away from “like calls to like” you don’t deserve it

[ghostmartyr]

Pokémon White Randomized Nuzlocke Run [Part 4]

We have an invitation to run off and battle one of our rival characters for free exp, so in the immediate wake of earning the third badge, that is where those still remaining shall march off.

Still breathing:

Frogger (Seismitoad)

Ptera (Archeops)

Palm (Breloom)

Batman (Escavalier)

But instead of running where game progression wants us to...

Back to the bridge. I wish I had my bike. As much as I love these monstrosities in this game, I’ve done a lot of back and forth in my grinding quest. This should hopefully cover it for a while. One last time for grins.

Or. Not.

My memory was that this guy left after you earned the Bug badge. I guess that was mistaken. So I guess I get to run all the way back across the bridge, since I just wasted my time.

I know I can’t catch whatever’s in the dark grass he’s blocking off, but I still really want to know what’s available. I guess I am doomed to wait until later.

Off to fight Bianca.

I haven’t given my Amulet Coin to anyone yet. I’ll give it to Frogger. Ptera’s still batting first because there’s no reason not to, but he has Acrobatics, so no items for him. He will have to play with other people and pokemon, not toys.

Frogger has seniority. He will care for our finances.

Heeeeey, Bianca.

Give me levels.

I love how these fights always reference the mess me and my friends made of my room in the first five seconds. We’ve learned so much. Now we ask before we have fights indoors, and keep in mind the expensive electronics nearby.

She has a level 18 Herdier. It doubtless knows Bite.

That no longer concerns us.

Frogger is permitted to duel with her bloodthirsty level 20 Patrat. A dangerous foe, to be sure. Arrogance has been no friend to us in past altercations with it.

I am ridiculously overleveled.

A level 18 Munna and Pansear will round out her team, and Frogger will slay them both with distinction, granting us no levels and money. We can settle for money.

Bianca always makes me so sad. Watching a character’s enthusiasm dwindle is never fun, no matter the game, and she’s such a sweetheart. It isn’t her fault the plot won’t let her win. She calls me her friend and remembers to ask permission to have pokemon battles indoors.

Then she says more stuff and me being sad about her sad feelings is less important because she’s talking about all of her happy feelings thanks to the journey.

Maybe I should stop talking about parts of the story I barely remember as they’re happening and just read.

See now, you, you I have no problems beating.

Opening move is a level 20 Pidove. I think we can safely switch that to past tense. Same for the level 20 Pansage, level 22 Meganium I keep forgetting he has, and level 20 Liepard.

Palm was given the Liepard to feast upon.

The rest were tribute for Ptera.

Hello what is up, are we doing a thing?

Oh. No, she just called to let us know she’ll be waiting for us at the next city. You know, in the old days, professors would just show up unannounced and throw eggs at whatever ten-year-old happened to be closest and tell them to run around so it’ll hatch.

I’m not sure I like this more modern approach of politeness.

Three cheers for being allowed to move forward again. Onward, to trainers who will not expect a level 32 Archeops!

Naturally, what all this time I spend being ridiculously overpowered is going to do is build a false sense of confidence, and at some point in the future I will, once again, suffer horrific losses that shine a light on my hubris.

Then I’ll go through another grind session, whining all the way, and the segment after that, I’ll be back to being superpowered.

Knowing this should theoretically protect me from letting it happen. Let’s watch.

!

It’s a new area!

Is it... could that possibly mean...?

...

Hey Randomizer what in the fuck.

Uh.

Um.

...Game, the dramatic legendary music is not helping much with thought. At all. Let me think... I know it’s at least partly Flying (in as much as I know anything, so without looking it up, I don’t actually have a clue). I don’t know a thing about its moveset in general, forget at this level.

I guess before I start asking complicated questions like what’s best suited to wound it and not die, I should try throwing a Quick Ball.

I have those.

I sometimes have luck to go with. Let’s hope now is one of those times.

I do not foresee enjoying this encounter.

Adding to the trouble, whatever this thing’s typing is, it is not resistant to sandstorms. It’s going to take damage every single turn, and has an abysmal catch rate to boot.

I think Palm can get a hit in without killing it. Mach Punch is weak against Flying.

So it knows Gust and Swagger. One Mach Punch without the aid of Swagger got it to almost mid health. I don’t think I get to attack it again. I should just let the sandstorm do its work. Frogger knows how to stand still.

Add Bite to the moveset list, but nothing on my team cares anymore! Insert sobs here.

You know. I’m looking at the Poke Balls I have available, and I can’t help but notice that my stock does not have legendaries in mind. I have ten of the standard model, but everything else is in the single digits. Single digits that don’t even fill up one hand.

...It’s going to die to Sandstorm before I can catch it, isn’t it?

My only Ultra Ball is now gone.

I don’t think I’ve gotten a single roll for it yet. I have maybe four more chances.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GLORY TO THE POWER OF THE DUSK BALL!

Pure Flying, you do not fill any gaps in my team at all except for conceivably the most crucial: The number gap. If I’d lost another route, I would have been very sad indeed.

What do I name you, though?

Gelding.

Because I can’t look at this set of legendaries without thinking about Wind Waker, so you get Zelda, then gusts and gales and all things blustery tend to start with G, and ‘ing’ is just a nice finisher.

(Looking up pokemon stuff is against my self-imposed rules, but dictionary stuff isn’t. I knew when I picked the name that it was an actual word, and something to do with animals, maybe to do with leggy ones, but did not remember what, just that it is a nice sounding word. I was banking on it being deer related.

Nope.

Sorry about your name, Gelding. It’s staying now.)

Gelding is Lax and proud of his power. I never like seeing either of the Defense stats in the blue, but I have zero memory of what this legendary is good for anyway. Presumably you’re going to be an overpowered monstrosity that I accidentally kill.

I think, rather than exploring the Resort area further (there’s some sort of underground section that it’s own area somewhere in there, so maybe, maybe teammate number six lurks beneath), I’m going to head to the next town and buy some more catching supplies.

That was far from a chill catch.

In lieu of thinking, I’m going to throw the Exp. Share on Gelding. He is twenty levels behind. As a responsible trainer who is absolutely not going to be his leading cause of death, I wish to correct that imbalance.

Oh yeah, you wanted me for something.

Free stuff! Free stuff I actually want! Thank you Professor Juniper, I will remember this the next time I complain about you interrupting my wanderings with things like story progression!

ffs guys, I just want to hit the PokeCenter. Could you stop stealing things for five scenes?

Could you also stop having things like Watchdogs? I do not enjoy fighting such creatures, as they make me needlessly paranoid and cast lingering glances at the empty spots in my roster.

Yo, I have a bike! I didn’t think you got that so early in this one. Thank you, random old person. My bridge-traversing ways are forever in your debt. Oh, wait, not so random. He runs a Day Care.

The store in this town does not sell Ultra Balls.

I’m not going to stock up too much, just in case healing items become as desirable as I think they might in the future, but I grab thirty Poke Balls and twenty Great Balls. I might not need them, but I don’t want to be thrown into a situation where the one thing I can catch on a route is a legendary, and I can’t catch it.

Having said that, there will be no more legendaries anywhere in the rest of the map.

But okay, healed up, time to head back to the Resort and maybe meet lucky number six.

[Pictured above: First of the things not caught in Desert Resort]

I need to make a note to enjoy myself properly with the Randomizer at some point. Part of me is a little sad that my first experience is being spent on a Nuzlocke run.

Then the rest of me considers my self control, and considers that having some clear boundaries the first time out isn’t such a bad thing.

-rubs hands together-

Show me something good, game.

Excuse me, what in the fuck.

Quick Ball?

Yeah, that’s a strong no.

Ptera will chomp right through it. I don’t know its moves. Fire would murder Batman and Palm, but Frogger doesn’t have anything that wouldn’t murder Entei. Risking Gelding feels wrong, but Gelding has the best Type for this.

Okay, buddy.

Try. Not to die.

Entei has Bite and Ember.

Gelding at 13 HP put Entei just into the orange. So.

I’m going to use up my Premier Balls, because if it comes down to it, I do have a couple of Timer Balls. I don’t think I can do anything to damage it further without risking death on one side. Besides, who knows, maybe one will work.

(No.)

Entei also has Leer.

That’s a much scarier move when it has all the time in the world to use it.

...And it has Roar.

Oh please no. Do not let this fool’s errand end that way.

I’ve watched a Ultra Ball roll three times twice now. This is torture.

I am really glad Roar keeps failing, but I don’t know enough about why it is to know if that will continue or not. Usually with things in the wild, Roar just ends the fight, and I don’t have any Ability that I know of to counter it.

I have one Ultra Ball left.

Aaaaaand it’s gone.

Sigh.

Thanks, Professor Juniper.

Holy fuck, casual Heal Ball of despair for the win.

What to call you, what to call you...

You have a cloud on your back... Cloud is a Final Fantasy character... F is for... Fido!

Good dog!

Do you know what that means?

I have six!

Time for healing and grinding and finding out what non-legendary things I could have gotten instead, not that I would have preferred less heart stress in rounding out my team!

Having a Fire type is also really, really useful. I tend to use Fire as my multipurpose enforcers, especially against things like Electric types, so Fido is a high quality boon.

Is this Randomizer accidentally set to Badass Mode?

There’s also Altaria here. The first non-heart eyes option is Lickitung. Look at all these things that aren’t legendaries. Of course, now I’ve been spoiled, and just want to run ahead to the next area where I can catch a thing again. I want to know what it will be. The curiosity. It drives progress.

I found a Fire Stone in the Resort. This is worth mentioning because out of the options, a Fire Stone is the evolutionary stone I already chose to have in my collection.

A lot of my choices don’t seem to result in anything nearly as helpful as I intended for them.

I forgot out big the Resort area is. Or maybe it just feels larger because all the sand kills visibility.

I have no memory of this place.

Wait. Something about... the Fire/Bug type Alder has? Champion’s name is Alder, right? I think at some point in the game you can come across that somewhere in here? Maybe?

I dunno, let’s explore.

Still Relic Castle, so nothing to catch here, sadly.

Is this the way out if you go down the quick sand portals on the other side? Probably.

Aw, there’s Kangaskhan down here. I’ve never played through a game with one of those. I think I always trade to get it. That would have been cool.

Not that I’m judging Fido’s place in the team or anything. I am just providing color commentary.

There’s also Vanillish.

I need an area where I can catch something again. All this cool stuff is tormenting me.

The problem with Ptera being so strong, and resisting the Sandstorm, is that I’m coming up short on a compelling reason to swap him out for someone else. He’s just so perfectly competent.

Resort also has Mareep. So many treasures.

I’m trying to hit all the trainers here, but I think I’m mostly making myself lost.

Would this randomized mode perhaps like to chill?

It’s another Relic Castle one, so I don’t get to try to catch it, but honestly, what in the fuck. I am going to run out of legendaries to catch by my sixth badge at this rate.

...Well. Probably not. I don’t care to do the math on that, but there are kind of a lot of legendaries at this point. But still, what the heck.

Oh hey, a Walrein! That’s not a legendary! What a twist.

I should consider switching Ptera’s spot more strongly. He is four levels higher than the next highest.

Hello, there.

So it hasn’t really come up, but I think the rules I’m choosing to use are that I can use gift pokemon, but only if they’re randomized. I’m not sure if the fossils will be their usual selves or not. I’m going to pick the Cover Fossil either way, since Ptera doesn’t need to have an insecurity added to life, but it would be neat if it turned out to be something new.

Ugh, but that would mean going all the way back to the fossil gym.

...When do I get Fly?

Eh, I have six at the moment anyway. There’s no rush.

...

I need to know.

No such luck. Dear turtle friend, were this a normal run, you would be a grand addition, and I would love you muchly, but as we are doing what we’re doing here, you must go unnamed and into a box. Fear not, you are not dead, merely forever frozen and unused.

Back to Resort grinding.

(Hooray for bicycles.)

Relic Castle continues to astound.

This is so awesome. I hope whoever programmed Randomizer is out living their best life.

Okay, Ptera’s 35. I need to give something else a chance. Palm, show me what you’re made of and train up our new legendary pals. Though as long as I’m doing this in a specific area... I mean, I won’t go out of my way to EV train, but Palm is already swimming upstream with his Nature. Maybe I’ll just give him a level and switch over to Frogger.

Not that I even remember what any of these things dish out. HP, maybe?

...Ptera really is the best thing on my team to manage this stuff. Maybe I should just go deal with the next gym.

Batman, how about you go ahead and murder a bunch of Cresselia for me. It’ll be our bonding experience. You like killing Psychic things, right? I seem to recall something about our first meeting...

No, okay, fine, I won’t hold that grudge. We’re partners now, and that’s all that matters.

On fourth thought, I’m just gonna stay upstairs and let Frogger take out Entei when Fido isn’t clearing out the Budew. Gelding’s almost 30, so I won’t feel obligated to keep the Exp. Share on for much longer.

Fido is at a level where this is actually annoying. My kingdom for a legendary that learns good moves early. Ember is just not all that great, and Budew’s Water Sport is annoying to work through.

Roar keeps not working for the wild Entei. I have no idea why that is, but it’s convenient. Having my free exp scare me away every other time would be frustrating as heck.

Eh, Fido learned Fire Spin. Yay. Its leading quality is being slightly more appealing to me than Roar.

Wait a moment. Fido. I didn’t take a look at what you’re like. I was so excited to have six that I completely forgot to check up on you.

Fido is Sassy and often dozes off. What that means is largely lost on me, but in general losing out on some Speed to up a Defense stat is okay in my book. The ability never had the option of being something else, I don’t think.

A belated welcome, doggo.

...Good grief you need better moves.

...It learned Stomp.

Okay, everyone’s 30 or higher, time to return to the plot.

Wow, I did not expect that. It’s so weird when random NPCs just hand out HMs.

I’d forgotten about the stadium trainers. I think every day they have different sports going on, and each set contains trainers. I have vague memories of grinding using them. ..I probably could have just hung around here instead of Relic Castle.

Oh well, more levels for me.

Is this where we have our Ferris Wheel thing?

(I remember so little of these games, yet N possibly having a thing for the protagonist has stuck in the consciousness of the internet for so long that it is what sticks.)

Yeah, this happens.

Tale as old as time.

I want N’s hat. Will Pokemon Go make his outfit available at some point? That would be neat. The protagonist gear always looks a bit dorky. Unlike turtlenecks and button-up shirts.

He has a nice hat.

Elesa, why does your gym look like this. It makes me want to go play laser tag.

Time for some exp I don’t really need.

Nimbasa has a lot going for it. I think this is the generation where I realized how you could breed things and EV train them, so I spent a lot of time messing around with the subway features. I wasn’t very good. I think I wanted my trainer card to reach a higher tier of color?

Yeah, that didn’t work. It was all confusing, and mostly I just wasn’t good enough at coming up with strategies. Or copying them efficiently.

...Are there really only two trainers here? And the other sport court has a game in progress. Dang it.

I don’t remember if I have to participate in the Pokemon Musical.

I know I don’t wanna.

Bianca is walking me inward. This does not bode well.

I have a Prop Case now.

What part of “I don’t wanna” is so hard to understand. ;-;

Gelding, you want to put on a show? You’re probably most likely to be swapped out if I see anything I like in future routes, so we should treasure our time together while we can.

By which I mean we will participate in mutual suffering.

It’s an expression of love, Gelding.

Bianca leaves before I’m asked to do anything else. Do I stay and check it off the list, or flee and hope that this is not necessary to progress?

...Maybe I will go back inside.

Dude, all I remember about this encounter is that Elesa is better than you. And most everyone else. It’s time for Bianca to lay proper claim to her independence, right?

...Wait, this ends well?

Right, I guess all the truly terrible parenting has to be saved up for N.

Congrats, Bianca!

I think I’ll actually go ahead and deal with the gym now.

...No, I won’t. I want to check and see if I have access to the other routes yet. Mayhaps it is time to catch things. Or meet Alder. That’s his name, I think. I think we see him for the first time on the route to the left. So I shall go right.

Huh. This is a fun thing.

The next badge probably makes Strength usable outside of battle. So if I go and do the gym, I’ll have the choice between two spots of grass. Darker grass doesn’t necessarily have better stuff, because it’s all random, but it will have things of higher levels, which means less grinding.

...I’m gonna check out the other side. Possibly get a badge.

Then will come the decision.

Which may or may not be dependent on how much I want to put off giving something on my team Strength.

Here, things do not appear to be nearly so complicated.

There is dark grass, but I think it’s impossible to get to without walking through the normal grass. Maybe I’ll find something in the normal grass on this side, then use Strength and deal in the dark grass on the other side.

Plan? Plan.

...Still largely dependent on what I have that can learn Strength.

I guess that’s one nice thing about these legendaries with the awkward movesets. Fido can probably handle not fainting our new teammate. Probably.

...Hey Gelding guess what you get to stay.

I’m gonna name you Bandit. If we’re both very lucky, we’ll never, ever use you.

Next thing to pop up in the grass is a Maractus, then a Bonsly. This is like. A sane route. Weird.

Meanwhile, over in the dark grass.

Chikorita, Munna... Samurott.

By the standards of this run, I’d still call it pretty sane. The Samurott is darn near level appropriate. I don’t know what I would have picked out of this set. Bandit has some proper charm. That’s hard to say no to in the midst of such chaos.

OH!

Bandit can learn Strength!

Awesome!

Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl!

Gym time!

This makes me want to hit the arcade so bad.

I haven’t really decided what to use here. Fido was the assumption, but Fido’s moveset is terrible. I think half the things in here are likely to have Static, and its only decent moves are all physical attacks.

Gelding shouldn’t go anywhere near anything here.

Ptera would probably be fine, but his Defense is abysmal, so all it would take is one round of not being fine to ruin that.

Batman would be pretty okay all around, but not a great damage dealer. She does know Headbutt, though...

Palm I’m paranoid about letting loose against things he doesn’t have a Type advantage with, but I think he’d mostly be okay. I just don’t want to risk my precious Breloom coming to harm.

...Fido and Frogger will have to do, I think.

What even is the deal with this gym. Elesa has so much style that it would cause poisoning in a real world setting.

The trainers so far have dealt in mid-20s pokes. Elesa’s might hit 30, but my guess would be that 28 might be closer to the mark.

...Elesa’s gym is full of neon, rich kids, and roller coasters, and I just love it so very much. And Ember isn’t doing too shabbily. I would still prefer having something better to work with, but as long as Emolga are so popular, Frogger’s not the best choice, so it’s good that Fido can put in the proper work.

Can I say for the hundredth time how much I love the work they put into the gyms in this gen? Because it is one of my primary joys of the games. Pokemon are great and all, but the aesthetic.

Firs up is a level 25 Emolga. With Volt Switch, so that will leave the stage after one Ember to let loose a different level 25 Emolga. Who will also use Volt Switch, bringing the first Emolga back out. That Emolga faints, Fido grows to level 34, and time to find out if that’s enough to push the second Emolga into fainting with two Embers instead of three. Apparently there’s a Special Defense difference between the beasts.

Yep, that did it. Emolgas down, and I’ll switch to Frogger for the Zebstrika.

Dang, I was off. It’s level 27.

Frogger downs it, getting up to 34 as well, and we have another relatively painless gym experience!

Go team!

Elesa also promises to deal with the pesky bridge problem I didn’t bother screencapping. I think the next Leader is a Ground type. Cowboy dude who has to be pestered into letting pedestrians use the drawbridge.

But that will have to wait for next time!

[they-called-her-a-tornado]

I know this was an ask meme but i love it so i’m gonna fill it out anyway

A: What age are your characters? 

Emilia is 25/26ish and Helena is sometimes 25, but sometimes I daydream her in the same universe as younger (any age)

B: Do your characters have birthdays? When are they? 

Emilia is March 12, Helena is March 25th

C: Do they have children? If so, describe them, if not, what were your characters like as children?

Emilia does not. She was a wild child, very free, a rebellious teenager. Sometimes Helena has a daughter Elizabeth/ Edith/ Juniper, but I’ve never had her over the age of 2.

D: What was the last daydream you had?

This is so embarrasing but it’s an AU in Helena’s AU where she formerly played Stephanie on LazyTown because her father created and wrote the show and she was dealing with the memes.

E: What color are your charecter(s) eyes? Do they wear glasses?

Emilia has brown eyes. Helena has blue (sometimes brown). Neither wear glasses because I do and I hate it.

F: What is/are the full name(s) of your character(s)?

Emilia Elizabeth Loa Lam. Helena’s middle name changes all the time, but she is Hhelena Ravenclaw from the HP universe, but a very, very AU version where I disregard the books completely. But in my last daydream, the LazyTown one is was Helena Viktoria Steffansdottir- Ravenclaw

G: What is/are your character(s) gender and sexuality?

Both are Cis female, and both are bisexual, with Emilia leaning towards girls, and Len towards boys.

H: What is/are their hogwarts house(s)?

Well, Helena is a Ravenclaw obvs. pretty much the only thing I kept canon tbh. Emilia is a Gryffindor.

I: Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

Both dabbled in drugs as teens, in some universes Helena is a recovering drug addict. Emilia grew up in NYC and subway surfed and climbed buildings and was pretty reckless.

J: What is/are their jobs? Emilia is in the Air Force. Helena, again changes on the universe, but she’s either a social worker, unemployed, a charms teacher, or works in the Scottish Government.

K: How was their first kiss? (If they have one)

They’ve both had one, but my daydream starts after it so I don’t really have an answer. I know Helena was young, around 12, and Emilia was around 16 or so.

L: Has/Have you charecter(s) ever been in love? Have you ever had a crush on/ been in love with one of your characters?

Yes. Mostly just teen flings, but in one uninverse Helena marries her boyfriend that she has had since the age of 11.

M: Do any of your characters play musical instruments?

Emilia no, Helena played piano.

N: Have they ever had a near-death experience? 

Emilia works in the Stargate program so she’s been captured by aliens and injured badly. In some universes Helena has failed suicide attempts.

O: Where is their family from originally? What nationality are they?

Emilia is half Vietnamese, half white American (Scottish/ German ancestry), and is a US Citizen. In one universe Helena is Ukrainian, another Icelandic, but the majority of them, including my main universe, she is 100% Scottish.

P: What are their parents like?

Emilia’s mom, Kim Lam, is quite strict, but after her divorce she didn’t really notice everything her kids got into. Hank Landry was an absent father. In  all universes Emilia kind of grew up making her own path relying on her older sibings, expecially her sister Carolyn to guide her.

Helena’s father has never really been presesnt. He’s usually dead or absent from the daydream. Rowena Ravenclaw is usually (again ignore the HP universe completely, like the diadem doesn’t even exist) actually a decent mother who loves her daughter, but  is sometimes very distracted by her work, but they have a close relationship. In some she’s a shitty mother who completely ignores her daughter.

Q: What is a quirk that your character(s) has/have ?

They both try and use humor to hide their pain.... if that counts.

R: Do you include real people in your daydreams? i.e. Celebrities…

The occasional ‘cameo’ will pop up, like Carrie Fisher was in one of my universes, but in general, no.

S: What is a song that reminds you of one of your daydream characters?

Helena: “Home We’ll Go” by Walk the Earth

Emilia: “This is How We Do” by Katy Perry

T: How tall are they?

Both are like 5′2″... I made them short because I’m 5′ 8″ and I want to be shorter lmao

U: Can you describe your daydream universe?

Emilia’s is pretty simple: It’s Stargate SG1 but SG1 don’t matter and I’ve inserted my own character. Sometimes it morphs into a Doctor Who cross over

Helena: I have literally hundreds for her, some lovely, some tragic. Right now my predominate universe is that she’s 25 and has moved back home to Hogwarts while she recovers from drug abuse and emotional problems.

V: Do your daydreams ever get violent? Are any of your characters violent?

My character’s aren’t violent, but my daydreams can gete violent. Both have had in one universe or another suffered from sexual and physical abuse. Helena’s emotional issues can cause her to have suicidal and self harming tendencies. Emilia gets injured on the job often. 

W: What kinds of clothes do your characters wear?

Emilia is 90% military regs, and jeans/ t- shirts when off duty. Her teen style was kinda 90′s chic. Helena is a lot of ripped jeans, overalls, skinny jeans, baggy shirts, tank tops. 

X:  Something to do with x-rays? I dunno x is tough… Has your character ever had to go the the hospital?

Yes, both have in pretty much every universe.

Y: Are you involved in your daydreams? Do you have a parallel version of yourself?

Sometimes I have daydreams about myself, when I over imagine things I want to happen, but these are always seperate from Emilia and Helena’s daydream universes. 

Z: What is/are your character’s zodiac signs? Do they fit the stereotypes of their sign?

Emilia is a Pisces, and the thing I’m reading basically says friendly, selfless, compassionate so yes that’s true.

Helena is an Aries and it’s saying for strengths  Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate, and yeah that’s pretty common for her, weaknesses are  Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive, and I agree with that.