#anyway they didn't even shave me i still have all my chest hair and everything (the tape. it's not great)

[jinhyun]

—closure.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: angst, college au, dance major hyunjin, art major reader

word count: 4.3k

summary: sometimes, loving someone just isn't enough.

a/n: hellooo, it's finally here! for those who might casually come across this, this is part 27 of my social media au "watercolor". sorry it took me so long, i was just going through a bit of a writer's block lol. anyway, i hope you guys enjoy! and as always i would loveee to read your thoughts on this, so please let me know!!

"We've made out and gone out a couple of times but that's it".

"We don't owe anything to each other".

"We're not a couple".

"Let's stop acting like one".

Hyunjin was unable to stop going through the texts you had sent him minutes ago. He read them over and over, as if just by staring at them hard enough, wishing they said something different, they would magically change. But they didn't. Instead, his heart would only annoyingly squeeze in his chest with every read of your words. Each time hurting more than the last.

He didn't know which one of your statements hurt the most. Maybe the one where you reduced your entire relationship to just making out and going out a couple of times. Maybe the one where you said you didn't owe exclusivity to one another, or the one where you reminded him you were not a couple.

Or maybe the last one, where you put a stop to it all.

He hadn't been able to reply to that one, and therefore the conversation seemed to be over.

What was he supposed to say anyway? "Okay"? "Fine"? Hyunjin truly didn't know what to say to that — one-word answers that did not reflect his true feelings about the whole situation were all that came to mind. If anything, he was not okay with it. Things were not "okay". Everything was not "fine". His chest was hurting in a way it never had before, and he was finding it hard to breathe. So, he had said nothing. He just sat there, watching the previous 'online' status on your chat change to the time you had closed it, as he re-read the conversation over and over.

Hyunjin didn't know when it had all gone wrong. Only a few days ago you were better than ever. He recalled the last day you spent together quite perfectly. You had been texting back and forth all day, to the point he had been called out in one of his classes by his professor, as at one point he couldn't contain a giggle of his after reading your latest reply — it had been quiet, hardly ever audible, but the complete silence of the room as Mr. Kim gave his lecture, had backfired on him.

He had waited for you after your last class later that day, and you had gone for shaved ice together, like he had been craving for days now. You had even invited Felix at some point, and although Hyunjin had expected to have some alone time with you that day, it had been fun. Spending time with you was always fun.

Then while the sun went down, he had walked you to your dorm — just the two of you, as Felix had seemed to get the memo. He found it hard to keep his eyes away from you, especially when the light night breeze would hit your face and your hair would move along with it. You were quite the sight. You had always been, he was just too stubborn to let himself admire you in all your splendor before.

"I hope all the wait to get your precious shaved ice was worth it" you had laughed, turning around to look at him after you reached the entrance to your building.

He nodded, standing only a few centimeters away from you. "Would've been even more worth it if you hadn't invited Felix behind my back".

"I didn't!" you played dumb, earning a small laugh from him as he took a step towards you.

"Mhm… sure, baby" his eyes squinted accusingly, yet all you could focus on was that pet name you could still not get used to hear coming from his lips. "I'm taking your phone away next time, so I can make sure it's only the two of us".

Your eyes looked away from his, feeling your face burn as a smile curved up the corners of your mouth. "If you wanted me all to yourself so bad, you should've just said so".

"Thought it was a given," his confident words had you looking back up at him, only to be met with his intense stare as he pulled you closer by your hand. "Let's go out just the two of us next time, yeah?"

You nodded, silently, with a shy, loving smile parting your lips. You wouldn't have it any other way.

"Now give me a kiss before you go inside" he demanded, puckering his lips for you to close the space between them and yours.

You bit your bottom lip in amusement. "And why would I do that?"

"I mean, you haven't kissed me at all today and on top of that you sabotaged our alone time, so…"

"And that concerns me because…"

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, tugging at your hand to pull you closer and get what he wanted. "Come here, you tease".

The small giggle that had just escaped your mouth was muffled by his — soft, sweet lips trapping your own, sucking on them ever so gently as his hand cupped your cheek.

Had he known that was the last time he would kiss you, he would've taken his sweet time with you. He wouldn't have let go of you for a good couple of minutes, until your lips were swollen and your breathings were heavy, not caring at all about being in the middle of a public alley.

He tried to recall something, anything he could've said to make you start avoiding him and pushing him away after that day, but he could not find a single thing. You had bickered like you always did, flirted like it was oh-so-usual by now. You had kissed. You had laughed. When did it all go wrong?

The only reasonable explanation he could think of took him back to Changbin. You had been avoiding him all week, excusing yourself on the fact that you were busy, yet you had immediately jumped at the opportunity to spend some time with Bin — maybe not exactly like that, but that's how Hyunjin pictured it. Did you catch feelings for Changbin along the way? You wouldn't, right? Not now that you and him were together. You had been into him since first year, you wouldn't go to one of his best friends now that you finally got to be with him, would you?

Then again, you had been sleeping with Changbin for months now… but that didn't make your feelings for him go away before. They wouldn't go away now of all times, would they?

It just made no sense. The entire situation made no sense. He needed more than just a couple of texts telling him off for him to understand what was the reason behind it.

Reading your last conversation one last time, he felt like he would go crazy if he didn't get to the core of it. So, closing your chat for once and for all, he decided he wasn't letting you go without a proper explanation.

-—-—-—-—-—-—-♡

Going home didn't seem as appealing that day. In fact, going home hadn't been appealing at all those last few days. Even though you had Cherry as your roommate and she did a great job at keeping you company, she could not be with you at all times, and it was those alone, silent moments, the ones you dreaded the most, for those were the moments your thoughts took over and your heart hurt the most.

You had felt numb ever since your last conversation with Hyunjin that evening, but you knew the moment you were left alone, you would break down.

Changbin had been right next to you as you and Hyunjin texted back and forth, and although he didn't know what was being said, you could tell he was worried over your lack of reaction after you shoved your phone back in your pocket. It was as if all emotion had been snatched away from you. Your face remained serious, detached, and the usual light in your eyes had been put out.

"You okay?" he had wondered, oblivious as to what had just happened between you and his friend.

You shrugged, not meeting his eyes as you leaned back on the bench you had been sitting on and stared into one of the many trees the park was surrounded with.

You said nothing. You felt nothing. Or maybe you felt so fucking much, so many feelings, so much hurt, that your mind was protecting you by shutting its every emotion down altogether.

It helped that Binnie was with you, he was good at keeping you distracted and at cheering you up. But he had a life of his own and things to get done with, and you could not avoid going home forever. You could not wander around campus on your own all night long, after all. Saying goodbye and going your different ways at the end of the day was only inevitable — as inevitable as the dreaded silence that awaited you back in your bedroom.

The only thing that seemed avoidable so far was talking to Hyunjin any further. You hadn't checked your phone ever since you had last hit 'send' on that text that ended it all. You didn't know if he had said anything else after that, but you did know that you were not reading what he had to say — if he had something to say at all. At least not that night.

Just for tonight, you wanted to forget about Hwang Hyunjin altogether. You wanted to forget about how head over heels you were for him. How hard your heart would beat against your chest whenever you even simply thought of him. How much you loved his eyes and the small freckle underneath one of them. How much you loved his lips and the way they would feel against yours, knowing just how to make you weak to your knees. How much you loved his laugh, from the sound of it to the way his entire body would move whenever he did.

Most importantly, you wanted to forget about everything that had happened between the two of you the last few weeks. You wanted to forget how goddamn happy you were, thinking he was starting to feel something for you and to take you seriously as a possible future partner, all while he was feeling trapped in a relationship he had never asked for.

You wanted to forget about his conversation with Felix more than anything.

You just wanted to forget.

Which is why you were not happy to see Hyunjin waiting outside your building.

You had caught a glimpse of his figure from afar as soon as you turned to your dorm's alley. It was dark, a dim light coming from the entrance being all you could use to see him, but you could always recognise him from miles away.

His grey t-shirt seemed to be doing little to nothing for him when it came to protecting him from the rather cold wind of the night, but he didn't seem to care. Still, he looked preoccupied, far gone in his own thoughts as he remained sat down on the ground — back pressed against your building while you supposed he waited for you to either arrive or come out of it. He didn't know if you had already made it back home from your little hang out with Changbin, after all.

A part of you wanted to turn around and go crash at Jeongin's — maybe even at Han's, if Minho was okay with you staying regardless of the current state of your friendship. However, another part of you, the one that was still incredulous over everything that happened, the one that was numb over it all, could not care less about having to face him.

So, you kept on walking, ignoring his presence as you walked past him and made your way to the front door.

Of course, you would not get away with it that easily. One look at you as you walked by was all it took for him to be up to his feet and stop you from opening the door.

"We need to talk, don't you think?"

You said nothing, staring deeply into the doorknob he had kept you from turning.

"Y/N..." he pushed. "Will you look at me?"

Biting down on your lip as you exhaled heavily, you looked up to him. One look into his worried chocolate eyes was all it took for the numbness to go away. All it took for you to realise you were not strong enough to face him right then.

"Can we talk?"

You looked away. "I said everything I had to over texts".

"That's not enough. If you're shutting me out the least I deserve is an explanation" he stated, managing to get your eyes to focus on his. "I don't get it, I—we were doing so well up until the other day…"

"I didn't know you felt stuck with me up until a few days ago".

That sentence alone had gotten his entire body to tense up. "What?"

"Don't make me repeat it..."

"Baby, I d—"

"Don't," you warned him. "There's no need for you to keep acting like some kind of… unofficial boyfriend anymore just because you pity me".

"Pity you?" he asked, disbelief all over his face. "When have I ever pitied you…"

"So what would you call being with me and keeping yourself from sleeping around just because you don't want to hurt my feelings?"

His face fell, and that's when it hit him — why you had started acting this way towards him so out of the blue, why you no longer wanted to be with him. Felix. The conversation they had that other night.

The one where he said he wished you didn't have feelings for him because that way he would be able to still sleep around.

The one where he said he had gotten stuck in a relationship he never wanted.

The conversation that was just him trying to put into words the mess that was going on in his head over everything he was feeling for you, and how it was affecting his mindset when it came to commitment — everything he had never felt before you came in the picture.

He hadn't found a reason for you to start acting this way because he had been looking in the wrong place. It wasn't what he had done the last day you had spent together, but what he had told his best friend afterwards.

To say Hyunjin was speechless would be a understatement. That conversation was never supposed to leave that chat, Felix was never supposed to tell you about it. He wanted to scream at him, ask him why the hell he had done it and ruined what the two of you had just like that, but that could wait. Right now, you were in front of him, about to walk away for good. Felix and his anger towards him could wait.

"Y/N... what I said, I was—I am confused..." he sighed. "Everything happened so fast, I don't know what I'm feeling or what I want... but I knew what you wanted and I... I'm sorry..."

There it was again, that sharp pain in your chest that you were so used to by now. "I never meant for my feelings to be such a burden to you".

"That's not w—"

"You don't owe me anything just because I caught feelings for you, Hyunjin. Especially now that I called things off. You're free, you can stop pretending now".

"Pretending?" Hyunjin blurted out. "I was never pretending at all".

You let out a heavy sigh, trying to walk past him. "Just go, Hyunjin. I'm done here".

He grabbed your wrist. "Why can't you just talk to me?!"

"Because!" you turned around, eyes already welling up with tears you refused to let fall down. "I'm embarrassed. I feel stupid, I feel delusional, I…" your breathing became heavier. "I feel like I'll break down any time now in front of you and I'm embarrassed enough as it is".

His eyes softened, and his hand loosened its hold on you. "Baby…"

"Stop it with that. I'm not your baby" you pulled your hand away from him. "What's the point if you don't want to be in a relationship with me to begin with".

"Why does it have to be so complicated?" he wondered. "Why do we have to put a label on it, why can't we just be together as it is".

"Because I'm not ready to see you with someone else. I won't ever be as long as I feel something for you".

"I haven't been with anyone else since we first kissed" he sounded desperate for you to believe him. "I promise you I haven't".

You shrugged, a weak smile curving up your lips. "Just because you don't want to hurt me, not because you feel like being with me only".

He stayed silent, and you could only feel your heart squeeze inside your chest over the silent confirmation.

"I meant it when I said I never meant for my feelings to be such a burden to you, Hyunjin. I thought you were with me because you wanted to, not because you found yourself living up to my expectations. I don't want you to be with me because you feel like you have to, like I'll die if you leave me".

"Your feelings are not a burden, Y/N…"

"Sure feels like it".

"They're not".

"Why are you with me then?"

Another pause on his end. "Huh?"

"Why are you with me?" you repeated. "If it's not because you don't want to break my heart, then why?"

"I like you" he said in a heartbeat, truthfully. "You know how much I like you".

"And what makes it any different from all the other girls you like?"

"You… you're... I mean—I don't," he stumbled upon his own words as he desperately tried to come up with them, getting a sad smile from you. "It's not that simple..."

"You can't even find a reason," you mumbled. "And it's okay, I'm not gonna force you to love me back".

Love.

Love.

Hyunjin found himself looking up at you at the sound of that — heart just having skipped a beat, and a spark he could not control in his eyes.

"Love you back?" he whispered.

You smiled weakly, only then realising what you had just said. It was no news that you loved him. Fuck, you had been in love with him since the first moment you saw him. You had just never said it out loud. Not to him, at least.

This was definitely not how you would've liked to tell him. Not when you were trying to end things with him. But maybe it was for the best — maybe this way you would be able to get your closure and move on.

"I'm in love with you, Hyunjin" you said, like it was the easiest, most obvious thing in the world. "Thought you knew it very well by now? I haven't been very subtle about it".

"I didn't…" he blinked.

To like him? That he knew. Have feelings for him? Of course. But love was a whole other thing. Love was a big word. It was a very deep feeling. And he was just now realising just how serious you were about him — just how much had been at stake for you all along.

"Well then, now you know" you let out a shaky breath, feeling ever so little under his stunned stare. "I've been in love with you for over a year now".

"You have?" his voice came out soft as ever, almost scared to ask.

"Mhm…" you nodded. "Ever since the first time Mrs. Moon brought you as the model for our drawing session. It's been a good while since I've been pining after you… and honestly, by this point…" a heavy sigh escaped your lips, being followed by a small shrug as you looked away from his eyes. "I'm just… tired".

His heart sunk. "What do you mean you're tired?"

"I'm tired of waiting around, of chasing after you…" your eyes met his saddened ones once more. "I mean, now that I know how you truly feel about a possible relationship with me, I think I'm done chasing after you".

"Y/N—"

"No, please" you cut him off. "Let me talk. I know this might be tiresome, and I wasn't gonna say anything, but now I just... need to let it all out so I can get my closure".

Hyunjin leaned sightly back, that simple world feeling like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown right over his head.

"Closure?"

You nodded, not being able to look him in the eye. "I knew you didn't want a relationship, I mean, you told me so yourself even before anything happened between us, but I..." you took a deep breath, needing to compose yourself. "After you kissed me at the art studio, and then when you started inviting me over to your place and whatnot, and treating me in what I thought was a special way... I let myself be delusional and believe you had changed your mind, and that you were acting that way because you wanted to be with me".

"I do want to be with you" he reassured.

"Not in the same way I want to be with you. Not in the way I need you to" you denied. "We're on two complete opposite sides when it comes to love, Jinnie. I'm not afraid of it, nor am I scared to show my feelings. I have so much love to give, as cheesy as it sounds, and I want… I deserve someone who will love me back just as much, and won't be afraid to show it" the softness of your voice didn't stop the hurt — hearing he was not what you needed hurt like hell. "And you need someone who is into the whole no strings attached thing just like you are. We're just not compatible, I guess. As much as it hurts me and I wished we were".

"Why can't we just find a common ground?" Hyunjin insisted. "I'm just… so confused right now, Y/N. If you just gave me time to figure it out…"

"You've had lots of time to figure it out, though. Nothing's changed so far when it comes to you not wanting a relationship" you pointed out. "Seriously, Hyunjin, do you ever see yourself in a serious, formal relationship with me? Do you see me as your girlfriend at one point?"

"I just need time..." he whispered.

"You're not answering my question" you couldn't hide your disappointment by now.

"Y/N... please..."

"I understand that you need time to figure it out, but I can't just wait around for you to do it anymore. I mean, what if we keep acting like a couple and then after a while you realise that it's really, truly not what you want?" your point had him lowering his head. As much as he didn't like it, he knew you were right. "I can't risk getting my heart broken like that".

He bit his bottom lip, gently reaching for your hand before his eyes fixed on yours. "I don't wanna lose you".

"But you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with me either…"

His eyes abandoned yours, focusing on his feet instead. That was all the confirmation you needed.

"You can't have everything, Hyunjin" you let him know, slipping your hand away from his. "You say you want to be with me, but you also want to be with other people. I'm just making it easier for you by taking a step to the side, you don't have to choose anymore".

"Shouldn't it be my decision?" his eyebrows knitted together. "Shouldn't I say whether I want to stay with you or not?"

"Not when my heart is the one at stake".

"So this is it?" he asked. "You're just giving up on us?"

"Was there ever an 'us'?"

Hyunjin bit his tongue, not having an answer to that, yet wishing he did.

It was funny, in the worst way — how all this time he had been so reluctant to admit you were together to the world, yet now that you were the one to make it seem like you were not, uneasiness was fast to rush through his body.

"So where does that leave us," his question came out more bitterly than he had intended. "We stop talking and seeing each other just like that?"

You shook your head no. "We're in the same friend group now, it'd be like going back to the way we were before this whole thing happened. Minus me looking for excuses to talk to you and see you pretty much every day" a breathy laugh escaped your lips, one that wasn't enough to light up the mood. "Gonna be a hard habit to break, but…"

"I don't want that" he confessed.

"Why?" you tilted your head. "You're free to go to whoever you want now".

He shook his head, taking a step back. "You're being unfair".

"All I'm saying is you won't have to keep yourself from fooling around with other girls anymore".

"So you're telling me you won't be hurt anymore if I started sleeping around again?"

"For a while, yes" you admitted. "I do have feelings for you after all, and, unlike you, I can't just suck it up".

He was unable to say anything else, looking almost ashamed as he was reminded of his own words — the very ones he had confided in to Yongbok a few days ago.

You were finally able to reach for the doorknob without having him stop you, twisting it without a second thought and holding the door open while he remained speechless.

"But don't worry about it, it'll only hurt for a while. I'm getting rid of them" you looked at him one last time, regretting it the second your eyes locked with those dark brown of his you loved so much. "I have to get ready for tomorrow's class now, so... I'll see you around".

With that, you walked into the building, leaving him to deal with the lump in his throat and the aching pressure in his chest he didn't know he would feel.

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[dontneedhair]

From The Neck Down

This was when I was still in the process of doing a first full scalp epilation, which explains the unregular shadow.

While epilating my scalp was, at that point, still something very new to me, I had already been a long-time user of epilators everywhere else on my body. With the exception of my scalp and brows, there is no body part I haven't epilated for at least ten years.

The first area where I tried not to shave and instead to remove the hair by ripping it out, was my pubic hair. I started with tweezers though (and I would still recommend at least thinning them out this way). My pubes were shaved most of the time already, and at some point, instead of taking the shaver, I ended up tweezing them one by one. Starting from the happy trail and then going down further and further; however, not everything in one session, that would have taken too long. When everything was gone, I kept it up with regular plucking sessions.

While that was really exciting, it took a lot of time, which is why I ended up buying an epilator and trying my luck with that (I had found some information that others had used one on their pubic hair). And it worked pretty well, especially since the hair had been pulled out repeatedly already. I didn't use the epilator on my penis and scrotum, except for very small patches and carefully stretching the skin to avoid any accidents. For beginners, there I'd recommend to take only tweezers.

From there on, it didn't take long for me to try the epilator everywhere below the neck. I'd say I had a normal body hair coverage, maybe just slightly on the sparse side, but the individual hairs were relatively thin, which helped in the process, I believe.

More or less in that order, after the pubic hair, I epilated:

My butt - surprisingly easy, if my memory serves me well, even the crack wasn't very painful (and yes, it is possible to epilate there). From my experience and as a general rule, the more muscle/tissue there is under the skin, the less it should hurt.

The rest of my stomach and my chest - the stomach hurt a little more, but all in all, that was rather uneventful.

(I love having smooth legs)

My thighs and knees - already more painful, the pain varying depending on the side; inner thighs and knees could have hurt most, but it was a long time ago, and compared to the scalp, everything I'm talking about here is pretty harmless anyhow. If my memory serves me well, I also used the tweezers on the knees to get some of the hairs the epilator couldn't.

My calves - don't remember any specific problems there.

My feet - done rather quickly, not that much hair anyway.

(I wouldn't want to miss the skin-on-skin feeling under my arms)

My underarms - I think the pain was bearable under there.

My arms - some problems with the elbows, tweezers needed, just like in the case of the knees.

My hands - mostly ok, except for the upper outer sides that I remember being painful; that's also where most the hair was, and not that much tissue underneath.

(unlike my legs, the arms will be seen by others a lot during summer)

A couple of things that go for all of these places:

Trim before epilating: I sometimes see videos of guys who try out epilating on full length body hair, almost inevitably ending with them giving up after seconds (and screaming). Not a good idea. Instead, I'd trim everything to half a centimetre, sometimes even less, depending on the epilator. That way, the affected area of the skin is a lot smaller, the hairs will all be pulled in a similar direction, and the epilator is less likely to jam.

Find an epilator that works on very short stubble, even 1mm or less: This might depend on what your hair is like, in my case this one worked like a charm:

Later, for maintenance purposes, I added another one that rotates a lot faster. However, the slower speed is much better in the beginning.

And I've always preferred models that use a cord as power supply. No reason to worry that the epilator could run out of battery in the middle of a session.

Ingrown hairs: For me, that was only a problem where my pubes used to be (but not on my genitals). They didn't cause any major infection requiring to see a doctor, and at some point they just disappeared. Lots of people say using some kind of peeling product helps, I mainly just ignored those pimples. After some years, it simply stopped happening, which is probably caused by a lot less hair growing back. I read somewhere that it's precisely the ingrown hairs that are more likely not to grow back, if that's any consolation.

These days, I use three different epilators on my body - my fast one which works very efficiently nearly everywhere for maintenance purposes, the above mentioned model exclusively for my butt crack, and a gentler, curved one for parts of my penis/scrotum. The bits where I don't take the epilator are still cleared up with a pair of tweezers.

Ripping out the entire hairs means that you don't get *stubble*. Instead, the hair that reappears is thinner at first and will only get thicker if you let it grow further. If you don't wait too long with the maintenance, over time maintenance will become a lot faster and almost painless.

I prefer to go over each area twice a week, simply because I want the smooth feel. But even if I waited for a week or more, the regrowth would be so fine that it would be invisible for everyone not specifically looking for it.

[littleskeletonprincessss]

Buzzed - Ryan Magee x Reader

"So someone actually threw panties on the stage?" I asked, trying to hold back my laughter.

"I swear to God, Y/N. The Houston show was great. I think you're gonna be really - surprised - by everything that happened." Ryan laughed.

"I can't wait. We'll order some pizza when you get home, okay? And maybe after, I'll do that thing you like."

I could practically hear Ryan's eyes roll and toothy smile light up his face.

"Sounds good, Babe. I'll see you on Saturday."

"I love you, Ry."

"Love you too, Y/N."

Hanging up I threw my phone on the couch next to me, alerting Lego before he laid his head back down on his paws. Scratching behind his ears I thought about how long Ryan had been gone.

The YouTube channel Ryan and Matt shared had started to gain popularity, and people wanted even more content, so they decided to start going on comedy tours. Normally, I would try and go with them for at least part of it but I wasn't able to get work off this time.

They'd been gone for a week, travelling around Texas, and Ryan and I would talk every night before bed, about everything and nothing, just savoring the time we had together.

After a while I turned I headed to bed, alone. I never slept well while Ryan was gone and I couldn't wait until he was back so I could sleep through the night again, Ryan lying on me like weighted blanket, arms around my waist while my fingers tangled in his hair where his head rested on my chest.

---------------------

(Ryan's POV)

"So someone actually threw panties on the stage?"

"I swear to God, Y/N. The Houston show was great. I think you're gonna be really - surprised - by everything that happened." I laughed, running my fingers over my scalp.

"I can't wait. We'll order some pizza when you get home, okay? And maybe after, I'll do that thing you like."

I rolled my eyes at our inside joke, knowing that ' that think I like' is just her running her fingers through my hair while we lie in bed. It took everything I had to act like normal and not let her know that we wouldn't be doing that for a while.

I hadn't told her that Matt and I shaved our heads at the Houston show. For all she knew, my hair was still the shaggy shoulder length mop it'd been since we started dating. Part of me worried about how she would react, but the bigger part of me knew that it wouldn't take her long to get over it. That's what it hoped anyway.

"Sounds good, Babe. I'll see you on Saturday."

"I love you, Ry."

"Love you too, Y/N."

----------

I walked into our apartment Saturday afternoon and dropped my bag by the front door. Lego exited the bedroom to check what the noise was before realizing it was me and running in to lick my face.

"Hey, buddy." I laughed, moving my head to try and avoid the slobber I knew was inevitable. "Did you miss me?" I scratched his back before standing. "Where's Y/N, huh Lego?"

Walking into the bedroom I found her laying on my side of the bed, deep in sleep, made obvious by the loud snores she let out, not that she'd ever admit that.

I walked in, slipping my shoes and jacket off, and slid into the bed next to her, wrapping my arm around her waist and burying my head in her neck, pressing light kisses.

The snoring stopped as she glanced over as much as she could, startled before she realized it was me and turning back to her original position.

"Hey, you're back." She mumbled sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Half past two. What are you still doing in bed?"

"Mmm- I had to work closing last night, I didn't get home until 3:30 this morning."

Frowning I lifted my head from her neck and kissed her cheek, rubbing her back.

"I hate you working those long hours. You know you don't have to work, right?" I was lucky enough that my career allowed me to provide comfortably for the both of us, and I really did hate seeing how tired her job made her sometimes, and wanted her to know I'd take care of her.

"Yeah, I know." She turned to cuddle into my chest. "We can still order pizza later, but since you're already here..." she trailed off, running her hand to the back of my neck where she would usually find hair.

"Ry?" She opened her eyes, sitting up and looking at me, eyes widening after realizing my lack of hair. "What did you do?"

Sitting up I leaned against the headboard.

"Remember how I told you that the Houston show was crazy?"

"Your hair is gone Ry. I don't understand - Why?" She reached her hand up to feel the fuzz covering my head.

"If I said we were just trying to keep things fresh, would you accept that for an answer?"

"You didn't have a reason?"

"..No.."

After a moment of silence and running her fingers across my buzzed scalp she finally spoke.

"I mean, I guess I could get used to it, but you couldn't have warned me? Fucking hell, Ryan. You gotta warn a girl, I loved your hair."

"Yeah, well you love me without it too, right?" I said, grinning as I reached forward to grab her waist.

Her arms wrapped around my neck. "Yeah, I guess you're alright."

"I promise I won't cut it again for a while, okay?" I offered, pulling her closer into a kiss.

"You won't have anything to cut for a while. But okay, just keep me informed this time."

"Sure, I'll just give you a buzz." I laughed.

"Nope, you're done." she smirked, pushing away and lying back down, pulling me with her.

[whatsmineisyoursnow]

whatsmineisyoursnow 1

For context. This is a public diary of mine. I need somewhere to shout these things, having a little book in my room makes me feel like no one's ever going to notice. At least here, random people I don't care about will maybe notice if I'm lucky. There are lots of things I'm still figuring out, you'll have to bare with me. I'll detail my thoughts if I remember what I thought. Problems I'm scared that I have (not diagnosed nor do I have proof of them): Memory problems Laziness Depression Loneliness Gender confusion

Problems that I do have (Diagnosed or confirmed by other means): Autism Stupidity

Problems that I don't think I have: ADHD I'll describe problems when I get to them, you may not ever have a clear image of me, but that's not for lack of trying.

I may be trans, I treat myself as a girl online although I'm not sure if that's right. I feel like I'm only trans for attention, since without it I'd just be an annoying unfunny guy with an obnoxious voice. With being trans I can be both sexual and loved for being me, when I treat myself as a guy I get overlooked or ignored because I'm stupid. At least when I'm a girl people don't care about those things. I don't hate being called a guy, yet I can't tell how I feel when I'm called a girl as it's infrequent and often accidental. I'm fat and ugly anyway, I don't deserve to be called a girl because I barely deserve it.

Day 1 I played games all of today, ate more food than I should have, didn't excercise. Met a cute girl online, was lewd with her in a VC while playing swrp. Ignored my irl friends for it, made up an excuse for us playing games together as just "something came up" I regret not seeing them but I know that if I did see them I would've never met the cute girl and gotten close to her. She was so cute and fun to be lewd with. It wasn't creepy, I know that for a fact, we both liked it. She's just the better version of me. Stayed up late again, not because I was doing anything specific. I just did. I can't tell if it was intentional or not. I have to wake up for 10:30 to get to work on time and it's already 3am. I drank caffiene without thinking about it. I shaved half my right leg in the shower before giving up after the blade went dull. It wasn't a cheap set too, my hair is just that bad. I did it with shaving cream and everything. I also couldn't reach that far under my leg. Not cause I'm fat, I mean I am fat, but because it was an awkward angle in the shower. I hate hair, it's itchy, it's ugly, it's gross. It won't stop growing. I wanted to wax it myself ages ago but I don't want to do it with my family in the house. I don't know why I don't want to, my family are supportive and nice and won't intrude, yet I still don't want to. I feel like it's because I'm lazy and I don't want to put in the work to do it because I never even started to try before giving up. I wanted to look up how much it would cost to get it done at a guy friendly establishment but I forgot. Most waxing places don't like taking guys, I think I know why but I don't know for sure. I don't know how I forgot to, I've been at my PC ever since I had the shower yet I kept getting distracted by youtube videos that I don't even care about. I looked it up after writing this and the prices vary wildly from place to place. I can't tell if these places also do legs, ass, or genitals too as the websites only say chest and back. Why is this so hard, I just want this hair off of me.

[the-whumpening]

My Own Worst Enemy, Part 5 [Son of Bat]

Prev | Masterpost | End (of this section)

CW: hospital setting, mood swings, reference to past abuse including forced hair-cutting

(continued directly from the end of part 4)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

In between the long periods of drowsiness and bleary pain management, he at least had the company of his friends to keep him lucid. Debby, of course, rarely left his side, but Eddie was never far behind, either. He didn't speak much, but that didn’t matter to James—silence was a comfortable part of their friendship. Debby and Molly caught him up on the outside world and reminded him of the bits of the day he kept forgetting; the concussion did a number on his short-term memory. And Vince, quiet and sullen as usual, kept watch from afar. He must be stewing on something again, James drowsily wondered as his attention drifted from Molly and Debby’s relaxed chatter.

“James, sweetheart,” Debby said, holding James’ massive hand in both of her tiny ones. “Do you remember what the doctor told you this afternoon?”

Pressing into his memories, all he got was fog and flickers. He shook his head just a hair and croaked, “No. Sorry.”

“That’s alright; I just wanted to remind you. It looks like your fractures are setting well, so they’ll want you to start trying to sit up more and walk around a little—rebuild your strength.” She met eyes with Molly, a silent exchange passing between the two of them.

“What?” James grunted. “What’s . . . going . . . on?”

Debby’s lips squished together in a tight, unsure line. “Well, honey . . . First of all, I don’t want you to overdo it, okay? Take things easy. Healing takes time, and we don’t want you rushing to get better and end up hurting yourself. Especially with the concussion; I don't want you falling and hitting your head a second time. Please, for me: be patient, and ask for help. Somebody will always be here to help you.”

Molly placed her hand over Debby’s on top of James’ fingers. “There’s . . . something else you need to know, too.” She pulled a compact out of her bag, clutching it to her chest almost protectively. "We're not sure of the specifics, but it seems like the paramedics had a hard time getting you out of the car. Your hair got caught in something, and . . . They had to cut a lot of it off." She opens the compact and angles it for James to see.

James could only stare helplessly at the image in the mirror. He couldn't even lift his arms to feel his hair for himself. It was bad. It was catastrophically bad; everything below the nape of his neck was gone—hacked unevenly in an obvious rush.

That was it: that was the breaking point.

The pain, he could tolerate. It sucked, but he had spent his entire life learning to endure pain, and a part of him felt he deserved it anyway. The embarrassment and the shame that waxed and waned with the hour—frustrating, absolutely, but he knew it would also pass. But this . . . this was more than he could bear.

Silently—without sobs, without words—streams of tears poured down his cheeks.

(Fuck's sake, why can't I keep it together?!)

He'd fought his entire life to keep his long hair. He'd been kicked out of schools over it. Some of his first and last fights with his parents had been over it. He still had scars from fighting against having his head shaved, a quite normal punishment in their household. When he'd shown up to Debby’s house with Eddie, his hair was as rough around the edges as him. Dry, tangled, in desperate need of a trim—but then Debby found herself “accidentally” buying extra hair products and leaving her magazines open to helpful articles. It took nearly a year for him to feel safe enough to let her trim the split ends. Every haircut then and since was still stressful, but Debby did her best to make it as positive as she could. Molly, too, had proven herself to be a safe person—although their relationship wasn’t exactly romantic, he regarded her much like a spouse, and certainly like a best friend. Aside from Debby, she was the only other person he allowed to cut his hair.

Debby interrupted his thoughts. "I'm so sorry, hon. We thought you should hear it from us rather than be surprised, you know? I promise—as soon as you're doing a little better, me and Molly will take care of it."

He trusted those two, implicitly. He knew they would do everything they could to help him when they were able. But in the moment, some great gash of his dignity had been stolen from him. Yes, it likely saved his life, but that couldn't totally erase the hurt. His eyes grew puffy and stung, and Molly dabbed at his face tenderly with tissues. Anger vibrated deep in his core, but it simply had no place to go: he could barely move, barely speak, barely even breathe without pain.

What do I even do with this? He thought back to those powerless, hopeless days when he was a kid—what did he do with all that anger back then? What did he do when he couldn’t break something or scream into the wind?

Duh. Of course.

“Eddie,” he mumbled, “headphones?”

Eddie grinned; it was nice to finally feel useful. He shooed everyone else out of the room—“James loves you all, but you’re smothering him!”—and dug out a pair of earbuds from his bag. Scooting a chair as close to James as he could, he stuck one earbud in James’ ear, placing the other in his own, and plugged the cord into his phone. He scrolled through his music for the perfect playlist, finally settling on an old favorite that always helped James manage his anger:

“FUCK THE SUN!!!”

As the angsty, ear-splitting melodies poured over them, James could feel the warbling frequency in his gut spread and shift. It wasn't leaving him, not exactly—rather, it was meeting Eddie’s own anxious wavelength, both being calmed by one another's presence and sharing in each other's pain. In sync, as they've always been.

So they basked in the memory of that angry summer spent together in high school: the one where they wanted to fuck authority, fuck school, fuck society, fuck everything, even fuck the sun itself. And just like that summer, James' heart began to heal little by little.

-

James realized, when his anger calmed once again and his little family returned, that it all felt so strange: all these people, going out of their way to be with him. Worried about him, losing sleep over him, driving through the night to get to him. Although he was still bleary and confused from the pain and medications, it occurred to him that this feeling was so foreign to him. He’d grown a lot in the years he’d spent with his friends, but somehow it still hadn’t quite sunk in how much he was truly loved.

[kkusuka]

Unsupervised

Dabi/ Touya Todoroki x Fem reader

Genre: Smut

Synopsis: You haven’t seen Dabi in a year and he seems to miss you a whole bunch.

words: 1.9k

Cw: minor manga spoilers, slight degrading, overuse of the word doll, you get walked-in on and I'm sure there's a word for that I just can't think of, voyeurism

The threat of being arrested loomed over your boyfriend's head since becoming a villain. Apparently, the fear of never being free again was stomped out by his ambition to overthrow his father.

So when he was captured during an ambush, you felt your heartbreak for him. No matter what had happened in his childhood, life in prison was the only outcome you could think would happen.

Your heart shattered when you were proven right.

You haven't seen Dabi in a year, he was constantly being transferred into higher security prisons. Not to mention the times you tried to visit but he was placed in solitary right before, his bad habit of getting into fights finally caught up to him.

The time made you think about all the nights you spent laying under the stars talking about your future, a peaceful life, maybe a family. Or all the evenings you would dance around your living room in that shitty apartment as a soft waltz plays from the speaker. You’ll never get the chance to have a nice wedding or that baby girl, he would treat so well-

“Um, Y/n? You’ve been cleared to enter.”

Shooting your head up at the mention of your name you take notice of the guard holding the door to the visitation rooms open. You could feel his eyes on you as you placed the fashion magazine back into its place, before grabbing your small purse and walking over to the man.

He led you down a monotonous hallway bringing you to a stop before door number 12.

As he went to open the door he asked once more if you had anything in your purse that could aid in an escape of a high-class prisoner, you're sure the reminder of just who your boyfriend is was a dig at you. But you couldn't even care about that.

He warned you one last time before opening the door and stepping in, taking a second to stand there when a deep familiar voice rang out from the depth of the room,

“Dude, no offense but I was getting in the mood to see my girl, and seeing you really turned me off, where is she anyway?”  you rushed to step in immediately noticing the taunting smirk on his scarred face, “ah! There she is! How are ya Doll?”

Unable to hide your overwhelming rush of emotions, you almost ran towards the man, who promptly stood, letting you wrap your arms firmly around his waist. He maneuvered his still cuffed wrists over your head, pressing you into his body.

Slightly swaying your bodies, he lifted his head towards the guard, who was stationed in the corner by the door ( observation, a skill you picked up from one of Dabi’s impromptu survival lessons) raising his hands, “Man couldn't you undo these one time? They're ruining our reunion.”

You let out a soft, wet laugh at the humor that you missed so much, letting a sniffle out as he stuffed his cheek into your hair, eyes still burning into the guard.

“You know we can’t Mr. Todoroki, it’s against policy for high-class profiles”  You could tell this guy did not like you or your boyfriend and wanted to make sure you knew it.

At the excuse, Dabi let out a loud groan and spun you to sit on the couch adjacent to the chair he plopped himself onto. Settling from across from him you finally got to take a look at him, the look was reciprocated as he stared back at you.

He wasn't as skinny as you expected, that meant he was eating well, or as well as he could in this situation. His skin looked less blistered, definitely from the lack of quirk use. The staples on his hands were replaced with actual stitches and seemed to be healing.

But most notably was the white roots poking out of his dyed locks, something you would never see. He would dye his roots the second his natural color peaked through. It was almost like looking at a different person.

But his eyes, the slight upturn of his lips as he smirked back at you, and the deep chuckle when he noticed your stare. All telltale signs he was the same man you knew, and loved, for the last six years of your life.

“Whatcha lookin’ at doll?”

You couldn't help but let out a smile at the nickname, “Your hair, and your eyes, and your arms, and your, your everything. I can't believe it’s really you” Yu tried to laugh the last phrase out but your soft sobs got in the way.

He gave you a smile and held his arms out, making small ‘grabby hands’ at you, motioning you to come back into his arms.

“Well you didn't come all this way to just look at me, and, dude can’t you just take ‘em off for a minute. These things are totally ruining our moment”

Before the man could answer an intercom blared into the room a fight had broken out in the main corridor and they needed all guards in the area. Meaning he had to leave, at least for a few minutes.

He shot the both of you a look, reaching to grab his keys from his belt, opening the door, “I will be right back, I’m locking the door, the cuffs are staying on. The door will be locked until I come back, no funny business. Am I understood?”

You gave the man a curt nod as he shut the dock, as the lock clicked in place you were thrown onto the couch, your coat and purse threw to the floor. Dabi was looming over you in seconds, pulling his arms apart snapping the chain of his handcuffs.

“H-hey! What-”

“Doll, I haven't gotten off in a year and all of a sudden you show up and we were handed a golden opportunity I will not waste”  he growled as he slipped your top off.

Reaching behind you he unhooked your bra, throwing it into some corner of the room, something he’ll probably manage to sneak back into his cell with. He kneeled in between your legs leaning to take a nipple into his mouth, rolling the other, maintaining eye contact.

“Fuck I missed these, my head doesn’t give you credit, mouse” you missed this, you missed his voice, you missed the way he bit your neck as a hand reached down to maneuver your shorts down your legs.

He lifted his head, admiring the marks he left on your neck, pushing you to sit against the armrest. Then pulling your thighs to his shoulders pressing his face into your dripping core. Giving it a small lick and a guttural rumble from his throat. “Oh, baby you shaved just for me? Now I've got to give you a taste. And you’re just as wet as I remember”

Attaching his lips to your clit, giving it a suck, you followed his command of playing with your hard nipples aiding in the build of your orgasm. Reaching a hand to hand onto his colored locks, pulling him closer to you while tightening your thighs around his head. His chuckle sent shivers to your core, adding to the wetness.

His tongue was shoved deeper into your cunt as you clench around him, riding through your orgasm. Letting you fall onto the couch, painting as he released his cock from his boxers

“You know what to do Doll, get in position.”

You couldn't forget how he wanted you if you tried. It's been buried, fucked really, into you. You're sure you would have pulled your knees to your chest, opening yourself completely, presenting yourself to him, as he fucked you.

He laughed at your submissiveness, “I’ve trained you that well? All this time and you're still my cockwhore! Say it, tell me I was a bitch in heat you are for me.”

Instead of letting you answer he fully sheathed himself in your heat, his hips flushing against yours.

“I’m not hearing you talk Doll! ‘Cmon you’ve said it before, tell me how much you love my dick in your pussy.” he accompanied each word with a roll of his hips, brushing into your clit. Bringing a hand up to roll your nipple.

“I-i’m a whore for you cock, I’m a-a well-trained bitch in heat”  

“Hah! Yes, you are, my bitch in heat!”

He was pounding you into the couch, thrusting with his entire body weight straight into your cervix. Your mind was a mess of his soft growls and the finger rubbing circles around your throbbing clit. Only knowing the feeling of his cock re-carving his way into your cunt.

Mid-thrust the door swung open and you could make out the face of the shocked guard frozen in the doorway. Dabi shot a glare over his shoulder at the intruder before letting out a mocking laugh as he slowed his hip, eliciting a whine from you.

In a second, Dabi fell back, dropping you onto his cock, facing the shocked guard, who was opening his mouth attempting to speak.

“Dude, don't just stand there,” Dabi mocked snapping the guard out of whatever trance he was in, he opted to step in and shut the door going back into his former stance, “ha! Give him a show doll!”

He helped you start off by picking up your hips and dropping you back onto his cock, settling you into a steady rhythm. When you try to hang your head and look into Dabi’s burning eyes, he seems to have other ideas.  

He placed his hand under your chin and pushed your face to meet the eyes of your observer, “Not at me baby, give ‘em a show, it's what he stayed for afterall” keeping with your rhythm his other hand flew down to your clit, fondling with it, laughing when you let out a gasp of his name.

You felt eyes fall onto your bouncing breasts, taking Dabi’s words too great you reached a hand to play with your pebbles nipples, letting out a pornstar worth moan, and Dabi let out a fake moan to pair with yours.

As you felt the coil in your core begin to grow, you lost your pace opting to let Dabi bounce you on his cock until he took mercy and flipped you over, throwing a leg over his shoulder.

Sensing you were close Dabi aimed for the spot in your depths, “Please, gonna cum, Please, please!” the coil was getting tighter and your cunt was squeezing him.

“Go, whore” and with that you fell apart around his cock, milking his orgasm from him as he shoved his cum, farther into your cavern.  

A minute of breathing passed before he peeled himself off you and glanced towards the guard who choked out a command to clean yourselves up and that you only had five minutes left. Scouring the room for your clothes, Dabi surprised you when he handed your bra back until you noticed him pocketing your panties.

After staying in his arms for whatever remaining time you had left, the same guard came back and yanked the man off you and replaced the broken handcuff, locking them on his wrists.

As he was escorted out he glanced back, winked, announcing, “Bye-bye Doll, wait for next time, I’ll stuff your throat full, ok? Just wait.”  

Two weeks and he’ll have to make do on that promise.

[misfit-fics]

Demon Rehab For Dummies

Summary: (Y/N) started seeing seven demons when she was 10. Through the years they all disappeared, all but one. Namjoon. A demon who has not so creepily, creepily, very creepily been in love with her for years.

Genre: fluff, crack, extremely minimal angst, idiots to lovers, romantic-comedy

Word count: 7384

Rating: Teen

Warnings: mentions of suggestive & kinky themes, a handful of cursing, a story with a plot but not doesn’t exactly have a plot, a stubborn (Y/N) who dismisses love confessions & genuine flirting, an unspoken confession

A/N: Hey! we're back, it's been a while. We're starting school in a while but it will be gamble if we'll be more active or not. Well... we ARE active but just not posting? Yeah, you know what I mean. This has been sitting in our drafts for a while now and we're posting it now... although it's pretty unedited, feel free to address any oopsies. Hope who ever finds this enjoys reading!

At the ripe young age of ten (Y/N) began seeing seven men. Which- would’ve (should’ve) freaked any kid out but you know (Y/N) is just kinda quirky like that so she didn't really mind much. The men were nice and played with her anyway, and the only weird thing was that sometimes they would bring her dead birds.

At age eleven (Y/N) noticed that one of the men was missing.It didn’t affect her much except for the fact that this particular one would help her find things and she’d lost almost all of her socks since he disappeared. Not to mention the increase of bug bites after he left. The darn things seemed like they multiplied exponentially after a month.

By twelve only two of the men had disappeared, at this point (Y/N) not only lived in sandals (she still couldn’t find her socks) but she also couldn’t explain why her hair was burning off every time she tried to straighten it (her lil demon friends didn’t want her to, you’d think after almost 3 years of having men following her around and telling her what to do she’d get with the program already.) Her dog her parents had given her when she was 9 started disappearing quite often after he left. He always came back with a single sock that would disappear the next morning.

By thirteen (Y/N) had developed a crush (more like unhealthy obsession) on one of the men, Namjoon. The third year was also the year when Jimin disappeared, taking all of her favorite shoes with him. That year she had prayed to whoever was listening because her parents really couldn’t afford to keep buying her socks and shoes, and because she definitely couldn’t afford to shave her head.

By fourteen, Hoseok, the man who had cheered her up whenever she needed it, had gone, leaving a tidal wave of bad luck in his wake. He had a great deal in keeping (Y/N) happy, although some of his antics made her want to punch him, it never turned out that way.

When she was fifteen no one left… except for the dog. Aside from that, the only thing that left was her social life (It wasn’t like she had one before but you know it was still a little rough). (Y/N) began to depend more and more on her demons. She had become great friends with the oldest, Seokjin, who cooked for her when her parents went on trips.

At sixteen Yoongi left and the nightmares began. And with the nightmares came the growth of (Y/N)’s relationship with Namjoon. Namjoon became her protector, along with sometimes Seokjin, who still cooked for her and cared for her altogether when she couldn’t.

At seventeen, (Y/N) was informed that when she turned eighteen Seokjin would be leaving, on account that they didn’t need each other anymore. (Y/N) had been torn up when he told her and even more when he left. He didn’t take anything when he left other than a piece of (Y/N)’s heart.

At eighteen, (Y/N) moved away from her parents house with Namjoon trailing behind her (He even had lil demon suitcases and everything,) following her every move.

“I really don’t understand why you had to follow me out of my parents house. I thought spirits are supposed to be attached to a general area…” (Y/N) took to unpacking a box in the small apartment she now lived in.

“(Y/N) how many times do we have to go over this, I'm a demon, DE-MON.” Namjoon clapped his hands with each syllable. (Y/N) rolled her eyes and flicked her wrist at the self-proclaimed demon.

“Demon, ghost, same thing.” She shrugged her shoulders, “same thing as to-may-to, to-mah-to.”

“It is not the same thing!” Namjoon looked at (Y/N) like it was obvious.

(Y/N) snorted, “Okay Casper.” She continued pulling out the items in the box.

Namjoon looked flabbergasted, “CASPER!?” Namjoon put a hand over his chest and widened his eyes. (Y/N) looked up at the demon with a raised brow,

“Geez Casper, why are you so offended? I’ve called you Casper before, Casper.” (Y/N) struggled to keep in her laughter, trying to keep a straight face as she looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon looked at (Y/N), “I think I shall simply cease to exist in your realm.”

(Y/N) looked back down at the almost empty box, “You wouldn’t do that, you love me too much, my dearest Casper.” She said in a singsong voice, “Oh hey I found a sock.” She pulled out said sock from the box, it had yellow stripes. :]

“I think Jungkook took the mate to that when he left.” (Y/N) threw the sock at Namjoon with a loud ‘FUCK!’

“I mean we could try and summon him to see if he’ll return your socks.” Namjoon shrugged.

“I wouldn’t even try.” She started putting the random items in their new places.

“You should put Juno on the window sill rather than the coffee table, I mean cacti do need sun.” Namjoon looked at the little green prickle plant.

“I’m sure if i didn’t tell you how to parent your child, it would’ve been confiscated by child protective services.” Namjoon crossed his arms and looked at Juno who had been (rightfully so) moved to the window sill.

“Casper- Juno is a cactus. There is no CPS (Cactus Protective Services).” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon with her own arms crossed over her chest and an eyebrow raised, “Now if you could- Can you please go unpack a few boxes?” (Y/N) shooed Namjoon away before her eyes widened and she added in, “NOTHING LABELED FRAGILE!”

“You know if we painted a wall or two in here, it would liven up the place so much…” Namjoon looked around the bland apartment, “Maybe an accent wall over here. A floor lamp over there. A new plant in the kitchen. It wouldn’t hurt you to give Juno some siblings.”

(Y/N) looked flabbergasted, “You want me to pop out another child?!”

“No I mean-” Namjoon’s eyes widened.

“-OUT OF MY WALLET?!? MY BARELY 21 DOLLARS!?” (Y/N) got her wallet out and zipped it open. She shook it in the demon’s face, about 26 pennies, 2 nickels, 1 dime, and a quarter fell out. It was followed by a single, folded, 5 dollar bill.

“I don’t think that’s 21 dollars, (Y/N)” Namjoon looked down at the floor, where one or more of the coins had caught onto his feet.

“I have a gift card.” She pulled out the cheap plastic, silver, $25 visa gift card (that didn’t have 25 dollars) with a bit of a struggle.

“How much exactly is on that gift card (Y/N)?” Namjoon eyed the flimsy silver object.

“You expect me to know- I mean probably more than 10 dollars!” Namjoon raised a brow at the statement. “Okay, maybe about 3.69.” Namjoon sighed, massaging his temples. (Y/N) bent down to put the money back into her wallet like a pigeon eating bread crumbs the old lady on the bench threw onto the floor.

Namjoon walked away from the pigeon-girl and grabbed a notepad and pen that was left on the kitchen counter. “We’re making you a to-do list.” He stated, clicking the pen.

“WE haven’t even unpacked all the boxes yet.” (Y/N) whined, pointing at the last large box in the middle of the hallway. Namjoon looked to where she pointed and shrugged.

“It says Christmas decorations.”

“EXACTLY! VERY. IMPORTANT.” she clapped her hands in between each word.

“It’s February.” He said.

“It’s still winter.” (Y/N) reasoned, finally done picking up the money. She plopped herself down onto the small brown couch.

“Okay so first off you need a job.” He wrote it down onto the notepad, the pen scratching being overlapped by a loud gasp from the human in the room.

“You dare ignore me?!” She yelled offendedly at the demon who glanced at her before looking back down at what he was writing.

“You also need to go to the supermarket.”

“I told you I barely have any money.”

“Your parents gave you some money.”

“Oh, you’re right.”

“And also, you should walk to the school and find a short route to get there.” Namjoon pulled out a literal map.

(Y/N) pouted, “I thought you were gonna walk me to all my classes to deter all the frat boys from coming my way…”

“I did say that,” he confirmed before continuing. “But I mean to get to the actual school grounds.”

“But we have a car.” She had drawnout the ‘but,’ trying to make her point that she didn’t need to walk.

“But you need exercise.” He reasoned, mimicking the way she had said her words.

“Are you calling me fat?”

“No.”

“Yes you are.”

“(Y/N) i’m not.”

“Yeah you ARE, Casper.”

“Would you PLEASE call me by my actual name for once?”

“Sure thing. Rap Monster.” She teased, the ground started shaking. (Y/N) let out a loud screech looking up at the demon who’s eyes were rolled back. “OH FUCK YOU!”

The shaking died down, Namjoon staring down at the girl who was now underneath the coffee table. “This is why you’re still here!” she cried.

“You want me gone?” Namjoon questioned, offendedly. (Y/N) army crawled her way from her ‘safe spot.’

“I DIDN’T SAY THAT!” She yelled, returning the offended tone.

“I’m out,” Namjoon pivoted on his heel, walking to the front door robotically.

“Noooo!”

“Will I ever see my socks again?” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon with hope, “I mean having shoes would be great too though.”

“What’s wrong with living in sandals? Birkenstocks are very comfortable.” Namjoon pivoted around with a candle in his hand.

“It’s winter.” (Y/N) frowned.

“You could always use mine?” He gestured to the shoes at the shoe rack at the front door. The ones that were closed toed…

“Your feet are too big.” (Y/N) looked over at the shoes, then looked down at her own feet, then at the demon.

“Size didn’t matter Last night with your sweaters?”

“That’s different, Namjoon.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes.

“Size.” Namjoon smirked.

“Different.” (Y/N) stood confidently.

“You know, you could always just go buy new socks?” Namjoon looked at her oddly.

“I usually wait to get them for Christmas, you should know this by now.”

“Independence.” He stated.

“You’re a hypocrite.” Namjoon let out a ‘huh?’ and (Y/N) continued, “You said independence when you’re dependent on me.”

“That isn’t my fault.” Namjoon raised his hands in defense.

“It kind of is though…” (Y/N) shrugged, Namjoon opened his mouth to retort but was quickly cut off, “I’m literally a rehab center for you.”

“Apparently you’re not a nicely rated one.” Namjoon shook his head.

“I’ve helped 6 other demons, Namjoon. You’re just being difficult.” (Y/N) poked his chest really hard before retracting her hand.

“Ouch,” he put his hand over his heart where she had poked him, “You shouldn’t be saying these things to your client.”

“I didn’t ask to get a client or even BE a rehab center.”

“The reason why you became a rehab center was because you decided that humans were ugly and disgusting.”

“The reason why you ended up with me was because you did something bad and you just now decided to be a good person and it’s not turning out well for you.”

“For your information, I could have left a long time ago.” Namjoon crossed his arms, with an audible exhale from his nose. He stared down at the rehab center.

“And why didn’t you, hm?” (Y/N) crossed her arms also with a raised brow. Namjoon kept quiet, debating how to answer, keeping eye contact as if it was an olympic staring contest.

“You.” He said. (Y/N) snorted, ready to insult the patient. “-would’ve starved to death by now if I hadn’t stayed with you until now.” He finished, (Y/N) gasped, reaching up and hitting Namjoon on the shoulder.

“You. Jerk. Get. Away. From. Me.” She hit him harder every word before waddling away into the hallway from the chuckling demon.

“No problem,” Namjoon disappeared with a veil of sparkles out of view.

(Y/N) thrusted open the door to her new bedroom. Continuing her waddle to the end of the full size bed. Facing the head board, she plopped the top half of her body onto the bed front first. Namjoon reappeared about 6 feet away from her with a loud poof and a burst of sparkles scattering around the room.

“Go away.” (Y/N)’s face was still shoved into the mattress, “Seriously shoo.” (Y/N) lifted her arm off the bed to wave him off.

“I won’t go. You can’t make me.” Namjoon walked towards the bed hesitantly, scared to get fucking murdered by his prison warden, “Move over. Give me some room.”

“Go sleep in my closet.” (Y/N) flipped the demon off.

“You’d prefer nightmares over your dearest Casper?”

“Yes.” Namjoon sat down on the bed, his knee almost hitting the girl’s head. “I thought I said in the closet.”

“And I prefer the bed.” Namjoon leaned forward and took (Y/N) by her hands and pulled her closer to himself with an annoyed groan from her. She was pulled until her head was laid on his chest, wrapping his arms around her.

“I hate you.” (Y/N) grumbled into her demon-pillow.

“I know.”

“You live because I allow it, and that is it to be my flesh pillow.”

“Okay, now sleep.”

“But why do you have to leave?” (Y/N) looked up at her bunk buddy, her chin was impaling the person’s chest.

“I have to. I'm ready to go.” Yoongi looked crestfallen, “They said I could have one more night. But then, when I leave, I can pass on my role.”

“Could you maybe not steal my socks?” (Y/N) pouted at Yoongi who chuckled in response. “This is a genuine request.” She said with slight seriousness in her tone.

“You don’t have any to steal anyways,” he rolled his eyes with an endearing smirk that replaced his dispirited look just seconds before.

“Ok just- don’t go stealing any of my clothing, I need it.” (Y/N) clicked her tongue, not denying the fact that she was sockless.

“I won’t. I don’t need your clothing.” Yoongi shrugged, “I might take your guinea pig though. Meatloaf is cute.”

“YOU wouldn’t DARE take Meatloaf from me.” She glared

“I can and I will.” Yoongi crossed his arms over his chest and looked towards the cage that housed Meatloaf. (Y/N) groaned, unlatching an arm that was sandwiched between the bed and Yoongi’s back. She planted her palm smack in the middle of the demon’s face, covering his view of the poor guinea pig.

“No.” She patted his face, Yoongi’s eyes now squeezed shut.

“I can lick your hand.” he threatened, his voice muffled and jumpy from the wacky hand.

“You’re gross,” she moved her hand up, now only covering his eyes and revealing a gummy smile from Yoongi.

“It’s sleep time,” he declared. (Y/N) whined in response, “I’ll be here in the morning to say goodbye one more time okay?”

“Promise?”

“Never said that,” he hummed.

“You jerk,” she groaned, laying her head sideways. Her ear over his heart, engraving the sound into her mind.

Like a cliche love story, (Y/N) woke up to no one but herself on the bed. Through groggy eyes, she could see that poor Meatloaf was gone too.

“I tried to stop him from taking Meatloaf I swear.” Namjoon uncrossed his arms from over his chest when he noticed that (Y/N) was awake.

“Did you really?” (Y/N) sat up in bed.

“I did, I swear,” he said immediately, “I have proof.”

“By proof, do you mean you broke something?” Namjoon took a deep breath figuring out whether or not to say yes or no.

“I… never said that.” He decided on dying, his words drifting off in nervousness.

“So… you did?” She concluded, Namjoon nodded slowly, his eyes down on the floor.

“Yea…” (Y/N) sighed, trying to find anger to cover up a tsunami of sadness that was approaching.

“It’ll be okay. We can summon him every once in a while. Maybe while we’re at it we can try to get your socks back.” Namjoon smiled and hoped it would make her feel better while the reality of things had begun to set in for him. All of the boys loved (Y/N) with all of their hearts but he was the only one willing to stay for the long run.

“I don’t think people want to go back to a rehab center, Namjoon.” (Y/N) let the tears begin to pour.

“(Y/N) it’ll be okay…” Namjoon went over to sit on the bed next to (Y/N), “Seriously we’ll get through this.” Namjoon put a hesitant hand onto (Y/N)’s shoulder and began trying to comfort her.

“I know- I know but-” (Y/N) sniffled, “Hold on, my mascara will run.”

“You’re not wearing any?-” Namjoon raised a brow and looked at (Y/N) like ‘bih-’

“Shush.” (Y/N) shushed Namjoon before shaking off his hand and placing her head on his shoulder.

“You know you can’t prevent me from getting a boyfriend forever.” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon before continuing to pack her bag for school.

“I can and I will.” Namjoon slung his own bag over his shoulder. He was definitely a professor.

“You can’t make me be single forever.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes and slung her backpack onto her shoulders.

“Your preferences in men are horrible (Y/N), I'm not trying to prevent you from getting a man.” Namjoon said in a matter of fact voice, moving and opening the front door, letting (Y/N) pass through before he walked out behind her.

She scoffed, “maybe you should hook me up with someone, maybe then you can leave rehab.”

“I miss Meatloaf,” Namjoon said solemnly, changing the subject.

“Why do you always change the subject when I bring up my love life?” (Y/N) complained, stomping her foot as they walked down the hallway of the apartment building toward the elevator.

“Do you think Yoongi will respond if we try to summon him?” He ignored the question.

“Hey Joon? Is your dick ribbed? I heard all the demon dicks were ribbed.”

Namjoon stopped in his tracks, putting his feet together and staring down at the human with a face screaming ‘what-the-fuck?’ (Y/N) had a boxy smile on her face, waiting for a response. “Who the fuck did you hear that from?”

“A fanfic I read, it was a group called DTS,” she shrugged. “Is it right though?” she leaned forward slightly in high expectations.

“Well-” Namjoon paused, “uhhh…” his eyes darted around. “Mine… isn’t.”

“Damn- that’s really disappointing,” (Y/N) frowned, throwing down an imaginary hat onto the ground and continuing walking with Namjoon following behind her.

“Why is it disappointing? You’re a virgin.” Namjoon raised an eyebrow.

“Why would you think I’m a virgin?” (Y/N) looked offended. They stopped in front of the closed silver elevator doors, Namjoon hit the down button before responding.

“You literally had no social life in middle and high school and depended on demons who were attached to you by force in order to not lose your ability to speak in English.” Namjoon raised a finger, “Plus I’ve known you since you were ten and unless it was before that… I would know.” He slipped into the elevator, turning around and walking backwards. A know-it-all smirk plastered on his face while (Y/N) had an annoyed look on her own.

“Can we just- stop before we start arguing about my sex life?” She marched forward into the elevator like a preteen going into their room after an argument with their parents.

“How did you even become a professor?” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon confused. “Couldn’t you have just you know… poofed yourself from people’s view when I go to school?”

“I need something to do while you’re in class. I might as well teach asshole frat boys how to do business math amiright.” Namjoon chuckled.

“I mean… you can just be the ghost you are and haunt me n’ stuff?” (Y/N) suggested, “I mean you already do that, Casper.”

“That’s Professor Casper to you.” Namjoon laughed too hard at his own joke.

“Ew,” (Y/N) cringed. “I’d rather call you Daddy Casper.”

“Only in the bedroom.” Namjoon looked at the human.

“Sex doesn’t always have to be private.” (Y/N) stared back at the demon, flipping her hair back. “Wait- are YOU a virgin then?” She asked, bringing back the topic from earlier, but this time about Namjoon.

“Classified.” Namjoon glared.

“So you ARE a virgin?” (Y/N) snorted a laugh, “And you call yourself a demon.”

“Not all demons are incubi or succubi, your demon-racist.” Namjoon accused.

“I am not demon-racist.” (Y/N) looked up at the tall demon, “I’m human.”

“You’re not a human, you’re the personification of the word ‘dumbass.’” He said, poking the proclaimed dumbass on the forehead.

“Rude of you to assume what I am, Casper.” (Y/N) smacked away his hand and pushed Namjoon not so gently on the shoulder.

“Now you’re the hypocrite,” Namjoon glared, “Professor Casper.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes, “Daddy Casper.”

Namjoon frowned, “If you’re so persistent on not calling me Professor, then just Daddy works fine.”

The girl shrugged, “I’d prefer to just call you Daddy Casper, but without the Daddy part.”

“But what if I want to be called Daddy Casper.” Namjoon wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as they walked through the gates of the school, the walk soon enough would be coming to an end.

“Woahhhh down bessie.” (Y/N) lifted her hands and moved them in a downward motion, “Save it for the student who’s gonna try to fuck you for their grade.”

Namjoon laughed again, “You say it as if it won’t be you trying to fuck for an A.”

“I don’t get how an idiot like you got a job as a professor.” (Y/N) punched Professor Namjoon on the shoulder who was still laughing at the insult he pulled out his ass against the girl.

“I don’t know how an idiot like you got into college.” Namjoon rubbed his shoulder and then pushed (Y/N) back with a grin on his face. The bell conveniently rang, ending the conversation and forcing the pair to speed their way over to the classrooms.

“You know I saw one of the sorority girls eyeing you, I think we’ve found our fuck-for-a-grade person.” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon, “You wouldn’t fuck her right?”

“I would never fuck one of my students.” Namjoon looked at (Y/N), “Plus I don’t like cheerleaders, I like depressed freshmen who can see demons and that double time as rehab facilities.”

“I am not a rehab facility. I am a struggling freshman.” (Y/N) clapped at Namjoon.

“No you’re not a rehab facility, you’re my rehab facility.” Namjoon smiled cheekily, “And the way I see it you are not a struggling freshman, you live with a professor that helps you with most of your homework.”

“Eh- The one thing you don’t help with is stress relief.” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon, “The least you could do is let me go out and find a boyfriend.”

“You HAVE a boyfriend.” Namjoon looked at (Y/N) seriously.

“WHERE? WHO?” (Y/N)’s eyes frantically searched the room.

“HERE! ME!” Namjoon pointed at himself and then widened his eyes.(Y/N) looked at Namjoon with a raised brow, her frantic eyes stopping and looking the demon up and down.

“I didn’t know you had a rental-boyfriend service?” (Y/N) said in genuine shock, “I don’t have any money though so-“

“You don’t have to rent me.” Namjoon scoffed, “I’m right here and I cost no money.”

“I don’t take charity work, sorry.” Namjoon groaned and covered his face with a hand.

“You’re literally the most stubborn person I know.”

“I’m trying to keep my single streak here, thank you very much.”

“Wait so we aren’t dating?”

“You thought we were dating?”

“You didn’t think that?”

“You like me?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I mean- you never said it-”

“I literally said it seconds ago, (Y/N).”

“Well yeah, seconds ago I guess but I mean before?”

“I literally confessed to you when we were looking for apartments to move out of your parents house.”

“When?-”

“What about this place then?”

“I like it.”

“More than you like me?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“Are you questioning my love for you?”

“Bitch, maybe I am.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why shouldn’t I be questioning it then, hmm?”

“I’m literally helping you look for a home that we both will move into.”

“That proves nothing.”

“Bitch- If that doesn’t say ‘I LOVE YOU’ I don’t know what does.”

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe saying ‘I love you’ straight up?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“I love you.”

“Nice.”

“Ohhhhhh.” (Y/N) smiled, “You meant that?”

Namjoon looked at her with a blank face. She stared back waiting for an answer that didn’t come.

“So… you do mean it?” She confirmed it herself. The demon nodded slowly, waiting for her to process it.

“(Y/N)? You good?” Namjoon waved a hand in front of her face.

“You know,” she started, finally having rebooted her system. “There’s a lot of things wrong with this relationship. First of all, you’re a demon and I'm a human.”

“Not the first time I've heard of that type of relationship.”

“Secondly, you’re supposed to leave soon considering you’ve delayed it enough. Even using my personified dreamcatcher as compensation to stay longer.”

“I’m pretty sure at this point, they’ve given up on trying to get me back.”

“Third of all, it’s weird that you’ve literally known me since I was ten.” She held up ten fingers, “How old are you again?”

“Not that old for a demon,” he shrugged.

“Exactly. For a demon, thank you for proving my point.” Namjoon went to retort but (Y/N) continued. “Fourth, teacher and student relationships are weird.”

“People roleplay it in the bedroom?” Namjoon shrugged once again.

“Exactly,” she said again.

“It’s technically not weird since you’re not my student though. You’re definitely not a business major so…” Namjoon weighed the pros and cons of being caught with a student even if said student isn’t even one of his.

“I’m an English Major- BUT that’s besides the point. You’ve still known me since I was ten.” (Y/N) poked Namjoon’s chest.

“Hey it’s not like I was creeping on you when you were a kid…” Namjoon raised his hands in defense.

“No you just started creeping on me when I was around sixteen.”

“It’s more acceptable than pedophiles!”

“You’re like three hundred!” She exclaimed, she threw her hands above her head to

“Add about seven-hundred years to that.” Namjoon added with slight hesitation.

(Y/N) stood there, mouth agape, trying to do the mental math.

“You’re one-thousand?!”

“Give or take some.”

“I- I’m going to remove myself from this situation.” (Y/N) walked away.

[:] I ran out of image things, so we get text from now on. [:]

“Maybe I should start sleeping in the closet.” Namjoon voiced his thoughts as he was grading papers one night.

“You don’t have to sleep in the closet.” (Y/N) looked at the demon from across the kitchen table.

“The closet is comfortable.” Namjoon shrugged before voicing his concerns about the student’s work, “I’m pretty sure this student is gonna try to suck my dick for an A. This work sucks ass. How did she even get x=34? The answer is x=0!”

“I’m bad at math, don't look at me.” (Y/N) jotted a note down on her work before closing her notebook.

“But anyway- Back on track. Why do you want to start sleeping in the closet?” (Y/N) raised a questioning brow.

“Because the bed is awkward now.” Namjoon sighed before writing a bold ‘10/35’ down on the paper and circling it. (Y/N) glanced over at the paper that was marked red at every inch of it.

“You should put ‘see me after class’ on it. Maybe she’ll suck your non-ribbed demon dick.” (Y/N) suggests as she puts away her notebook. Namjoon’s fist hit the table in annoyance with a loud sigh that definitely said ‘i’m not getting some dumb bitch to suck my dick.’ The girl snorted, “Geez, no need to be so rough on the table.”

“Stop bringing up my non-ribbed demon dick.” Namjoon glared across the table.

“You admit that it’s not ribbed? That’s rough, man.” (Y/N) sighed sympathetically. “Some people are into that, you know.” Namjoon facepalmed, a bit too harshly, a loud smack echoing in the cramped apartment. “No need to be so rough, Casper.”

“You’d probably like it rough, and why the hell are you so bent on the fact that my dick isn’t ribbed?” Namjoon glared, moving onto the next student’s paper.

“We’ve taken the god damn BDSM test together, Casper. You KNOW I'd like it rough.” (Y/N) said in a smart-ass tone, knowing for a fact that they’ve done the test before.

“That shit lies,” Namjoon declared, “I’m not a bottom.”

“We know sweetie, we know. The test did you dirty.” (Y/N) weighed her options before ultimately deciding not to cross the room to comfort her demon. “But you know, the test DID have some direct questions-”

“You mean like the golden showers?”

“Ew, why would you even bring that up.”

“You said ‘direct questions.'” Namjoon shrugged.

“That question was traumatic.” (Y/N) shuddered, “But anyway, You can keep sleeping in the bed. It’s only awkward for you. Plus you can’t even be a demon dreamcatcher from a closet.”

“I can and I will. Now go get ready for bed. I'll join you in a bit. I have to email the kids' advisor.”

[:] Oh wow, another spliter [:]

“What’s awkward about this?” (Y/N) asked, ignorant to the fact that it was very awkward. Her legs were wrapped around the demon’s waist, who was laying down as straight as a log uncomfortably.

“Everything is uncomfortable.” Namjoon tried to push (Y/N) off of him.

“This is where you’re wrong,” (Y/N) states. “Your chesticles are very comfortable.” She furthered her point, by moving her head and weirdly nuzzling her cheek into his chest.

“(Y/N) get off of me.” Namjoon was now really uncomfortable.

“No.” (Y/N) pulled Namjoon’s log-body closer.

“Please?” Namjoon wiggled some more, “Seriously (Y/N) get off.”

“No…” (Y/N) held Namjoon tighter, “Imma go sleep now.”

“Ok (Y/N).” With that Namjoon pushed (Y/N) up and off of him and climbed out of bed and into the closet.

(Y/N) whined, “Nooooooo!” She looked at the closet through her eyebrows. “Are you hiding something from me?” She accused the demon.

“Excuse me?” Namjoon opened the closet door a bit.

“Oh my god- are you a closet gay?” She gasped loudly.

“WHAT?” Namjoon looked at (Y/N) from the crack in the doorway.

“It’s okay! You don’t need to use a fake confession to hide it from me.” She comforted the demon, “I will support you 1000 percent.”

“I’M NOT GAY!” Namjoon wiggled around in the closet before emerging from the space.

“Okay okay- but just so you know, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, Casper. Closeted or not.” She hummed, her words being muffled as she slowly put her face into the mattress.

“It’s been awkward since you basically called me a cradle robber, you stubborn piece of shit.” Namjoon blushed at his confession.

“I thought you didn’t care about that earlier.” (Y/N) looked back up, taking a deep breath of air after almost suffocating herself.

“Well I did.” Namjoon huffed out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Well that sucks,” (Y/N) said blandly, “I was thinking of saying I love you.”

“The fuck- wait,” Namjoon’s eyes widened.

“Night night.”

[:] Cockadoodle-Doo it's morning [:]

The next morning came around quickly for (Y/N), though I wouldn’t say the same for Namjoon. Having him overthinking the “postponed” love confession from (Y/N). Meanwhile, though the night was quick, the morning dragged the girl by the toilet paper stuck at the bottom of her shoe.

Frown plastered on her face, seemingly deep in thought. She was unmoving in her seat aside from her wrist moving to stir the half eaten cereal in front of her. Namjoon sat across from her, “You can stop thinking, you’re going to hurt your head.”

The insult snapped the girl out of her concentration, she looked up and clicked her tongue. “I was just thinking about you. You want me to stop doing that?”

Namjoon raised a brow, “Depends on what you were thinking about.”

“I was wondering if we could summon the boys,” (Y/N) smiled before continuing, “Maybe get my socks back…”

“Are you saying you’d enjoy the company of your socks more than you with me?” Namjoon asked rhetorically with a shocked expression. (Y/N) gagged and rolled her eyes.

“Namjoon…” she said with a honey coated tone. “Are you saying you don’t know that I know you’ve used MY socks before?” The accused had a shocked look on his face that looked like he was on the verge of throwing up.

(Y/N) started snickering, amused by the demon’s expression. “As if I'd use your cheap ass yellow striped socks,” Namjoon aimed his nose at the ceiling. The girl laughed harder, finding the insult to her socks a bit too amusing.

“Okay, back on topic,” she said in between giggles, “We’ll get back to this later.” Namjoon shook his head, unamused unlike the person across from him.

The offended sock insulter cleared his throat, “We should have enough time before we need to go to the school to summon one of them.” He said in a factual voice, (Y/N) nodded as she took a glance at the time that read 7:23 am.

“What did we need again?” She got up from the stool she sat on, abandoning the poor soggy cereal. Namjoon got up also with a hum of thought.

“Candles and a lighter are the main things, obviously,” He says. (Y/N) nodded going into one of the kitchen cabinets for the items. “And if we’re summoning all of them, we’d need offerings…” Namjoon drifted off.

(Y/N) put down the candles onto the marble counter and looked at Namjoon questionably, “So… we need another hamster and dog?” This made the demon pause before nodding slowly, the situation becoming a bit more difficult than it needed to be now.

“And then what about Hobi? What he took wasn’t exactly… a physical object?” She also put it into consideration and clicked her tongue. “I’m still mad at you for sacrificing my literal source of happiness and good luck for yourself.” Namjoon’s jaw dropped.

“I thought we were past this!” He threw his hands up in the air, (Y/N) flipping him off simultaneously.

“Maybe you were,” she sassed, pointing fingers with a half assed glare.

“Technically, it wasn’t a sacrifice, (Y/N).” He said, crossing his arms.

“Well-” She was cut off by the demon.

“Nuh uh, It was just him choosing to leave and wanting to stay,” he snapped, not in a harsh way though.

“But-”

“You know what, let’s just try and summon them another day. I don’t think it’d work anyways.” Namjoon said, dismissing the topic by waving his hand, taking a glance at the tree outside.

[:] Wooshy flash back time I guess [:]

“Why are you still here?” (Y/N) looked at Namjoon, “I mean weren’t you supposed to leave this year?”

“I was supposed to leave instead of Hobi last year. I asked to stay.” Namjoon was sitting nonchalantly in one of the lounge chairs in her parents' living room reading the book she was supposed to be reading for school.

“Why didn’t you leave when you were supposed to?” (Y/N) looked at the demon, a look of confusion evident on her features.

“Who else is supposed to write your book reports for school?” Namjoon smirked while holding up the book before going back to reading said book.

“Then why did Hobi leave? Did he not want to be attached anymore?” (Y/N) began to tear up.

“It’s not that. I asked to stay because I felt I wasn’t ready to leave yet and Hoseok felt he was ready to leave. Most of the time, we leave when our time comes (Y/N). Hobi and mine were at the same time and I wanted to stay so I stayed.” Namjoon smiled at (Y/N).

“But why didn’t Hobi want to stay?” (Y/N)’s tears were flowing freely at this point.

“(Y/N)! Are you crying?” (Y/N)’s mom came rushing downstairs to investigate why her only child was crying.

“I’m fine.” Even (Y/N) wasn’t convincing herself, “Really Mom, I’m just over exhausted. I’m gonna go up to my room.”

[:] And back to the present :) [:]

“Are you almost ready to go?” Namjoon popped his head into the bedroom, “We have to leave soon if you want to be on time for school.”

“I’m almost ready, relax. And don’t you have a class to teach and a non-ribbed dick to get sucked by that one bitch for an A?” (Y/N) scoffed from where she was printing an essay that Namjoon had written the night before.

Namjoon started counting down from five, “Five- You better fucking get your ass in gear or you’re gonna be late. Four- Seriously (Y/N). Three- Professor Howard can’t give you another pass just because he likes you. Two-” Namjoon got cut off by (Y/N).

“I’m ready, asshole.” (Y/N) looked at him, “You better not let that bitch Brianna suck your dick.”

“I won’t let her suck my dick!” Namjoon raised his hands in defense, “What about my toes though?” (Y/N) looked at the demon with a face of disgust and looked at him from head to toe.

“Are you Namjoon or Taehyung?” She squinted, looking at his face.

“It was a joke!” Namjoon smirked, “But I'm sure she’ll do it for an A anyway.”

“I’m done with this conversation Casper.” With that (Y/N) slung her bag over her shoulder and left.

“Hey wait!” Namjoon grabbed his own bag before speed walking after (Y/N).

[:] Professor Casper or Daddy Casper? [:]

“SO.” (Y/N) sat down across from Namjoon in his office, “Rumour has it that you’re dating a cute english-lit major and are up for evaluation. What say you in your defense?”

“I mean I am dating a cute english-lit major. But I’m not up for evaluation, I used my demon charms to get out the punishment.”

Namjoon looked at (Y/N) seriously.

“Did you actually?” (Y/N) gaped at Namjoon.

“No. I explained that dating you is punishment enough.” Namjoon smiled, his dimples popping.

“Bastard.” (Y/N)looked at Namjoon.

“Bitch.” Namjoon smirked at (Y/N) before leaning over the desk and kissing her on the forehead, “I love you.”

“Good.” (Y/N) blushed.

There, through the window of the office, there were 6 peeping toms watching the couple.

“Adadada-uda,” Taehyung stuttered, “THEY’RE SO CUTE!”

“This looks like it’d turn out like a straight porn video on the hub,” Yoongi says bluntly.

Jungkook looked at Yoongi, “Ew straight.”

“Moving on,” Seokjin cleared his throat, “Does anyone remember when (Y/N) said I love you back?”

A series of “No’s” could be heard.

“Maybe we weren’t watching!” Jimin raised his hands, “But when were we not watching?”

“Oh I know!” Hoseok interrupted, “When they split up because of classes earlier. We left Yoongi hyung in charge just in case something happened.”

“I took a nap and must've missed it.” The guilty demon shrugged.

“No, (Y/N) definitely isn’t someone who confesses straight up.” Seokjin said, stroking his chin. The rest nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, that's why she didn’t have a man when we were still there.” Jungkook snorted.

“No JK, we all know the reason why (Y/N) was always single. Was because she was pining after Namjoon.” Jimin stated the obvious.

[:] Damn. Imagine having someone to kiss in public. Or at all. [:]

“So how do you reckon the staff caught onto us… I mean PDA really isn’t our thing.” Namjoon looked at (Y/N), “Who have you told?”

“I haven’t told anyone!” (Y/N) frowned, “Maybe someone saw us go home together? I bet it was that bitch Brianna. She gives off the stalker vibes.”

“I’m not gonna let her suck my dick.” Namjoon looked at (Y/N), “And she’s already failing my class so even if I did let her suck my non-ribbed punisher, she still would probably only have a D-.”

“Hey- I thought we stopped referring to your dick as non-ribbed.” Namjoon raised a brow, making a face that said ‘you’re-the-one-who-started-it.’

Reading his expression (Y/N) glared at the demon, “Technically you’re the one who started it because you freely admitted it freely.”

“What makes you find out the hard way that my dick isn’t ribbed?” Namjoon looked at (Y/N) suggestively before flopping namtiddie first into the couch.

“I think I would've preferred finding out the hard way.” (Y/N) flopping onto Namjoon’s hard back.

“So I can’t even have the couch to myself?” Namjoon groaned before realizing what (Y/N) meant by ‘finding out the hard way,’ “Are you saying you rather had found out in the heat of the moment after having prepared yourself for a ribbed demon dick?” Namjoon leaned his head up to bump (Y/N) who still had her fat ass on his back, “I can’t breathe, get off.”

(Y/N) rolled off of Namjoon before plopping herself down in front of Namjoon, “That’s exactly what I am saying.”

[:] Smh stalkers at every moment [:]

“And I got a big fat ass!” (Y/N) shook her ass while singing off-key.

“Your ass is everything but big, baby.” Namjoon passed (Y/N) to reach for the garlic from the spice cabinet.

The girl turned and looked at Namjoon with an offended look, “You know. As my rental boyfriend, you’re supposed to be nice.”

Garlic forgot, Namjoon turned to (Y/n) and grabbed her waist, “I’m not your rental boyfriend and you know that.”

(Y/N) laughed, “Okay go off I guess, not my rental boyfriend.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes before pushing Namjoon away.

“Woman,” Namjoon placed a hand over his heart, “You wound me.”

(Y/N) turned around and smiled at her demon, “I could argue that you’re the one that wounds me.”

“I do not wound you.” Namjoon scoffs, “But I could very well wound you if you keep saying i’m a rental boyfriend, love.”

“Well we wouldn’t want you to wound me now would we,” (Y/N) smiled up at Namjoon before leaning in and placing a quick peck to his lips, “I love you.”

Namjoon smiled before returning (Y/N)’s peck with a chaste kiss, “I love you too, baby.”

*Meanwhile from the dining room 6 men were watching from not so afar*

“Hyung! Hyung! Did you see that!” Jungkook excitedly pointed towards the couple in the kitchen.

Yoongi groaned, “See what?”

“Le gasp! How could you have missed that!” Taehyung held a hand over his heart, “(Y/N) initiated affection for once!”

Jin smiled, “It really was adorable.”

[:] Oh look, you're at the end. [:]

“Every kiss begins with consent.” Namjoon wiggled his shoulders while grading papers at the table.

(Y/N) smirked before leaning over the table and planting a large whet kiss on Namjoon’s cheek.

“Rude.” Namjoon scoffed before pulling (Y/N) in for a proper kiss.

“You know that kiss didn’t have much of my consent in it.” (Y/N) smiled before leaning in for another kiss.

“I don’t think I consented to that either though.” Namjoon smiled.

“Get back to work baby.” (Y/N) nudged Namjoon towards his pile of papers.

“Yeah yeah.” Namjoon smiled before looking down and putting a big red ‘F’ on a paper clearly marked Brianna Simms.

“When will she just drop the class?” (Y/N) chuckled, “Dumbass.”

all rights reserved © misfit-fics

do not repost, translate, or claim as your own. :]

[aenngelic]

I will protect her at all costs (chapter 2)

Disclaimer: please don’t hate me for it, if you don’t ship them please just don’t read it ok 🥲

contains: slow burn, Sniper falling in love with Kuon, Snipers view/thoughts, sexual fantasies, nudity, lemon stuff overall

It is a very long chapter I’m sorry

Note: please feel free to message me if you have certain romantic moments to include in the story! (Already running out of ideas oops)

It did not take long for us to find a bag of supplies. It was on a coffee table in some sort of lobby area. It seemed as if this building probably was meant to represent some kind of hotel, which I thought was a good thing, because that meant that there would be beds and showers to be found here as well. To our surprise, the bag contained mostly candy, which I wouldn't interpret as a balanced meal. However, the girl seemed to like this finding. It was only a matter of minutes before the chocolate residue stained the corners of my companion's mouth in a brown color. However, I preferred to smoke a cigarette at first and watch the girl devour her own body weight in the form of chocolate.

" This is fantastic! It feels like forever since I last ate chocolate! I faintly remember dieting before I entered this world too, so this must have been probably weeks since I held chocolate in my hand." Kuon said with delight. It was amusing to watch her enjoy sweets. Kuon's carelessness may be a burden at times, but her innocent character makes up for it.

" you partly remember your life prior to this, don't you?"

" Yes, not much to be honest. I'm sorry you can't," Kuon replied in a concerned voice.

"Tell me about it."

She gave me a visibly puzzled look before straightening her back so that she was sitting as straight as a candle on the sofa across from me, staring at her hands somewhat lost in thought. She seemed uncomfortable that I had now brought up this topic. Unfortunately, I could not take back my question. "Well," she began, "to be honest,the life I remember has not been the greatest, I guess." Kuon abruptly shook her head. " That's not true either. I was born into a rich family and had many privileges. My father owned a large company and had very high expectations of me from the very beginning. One day I was supposed to take it over. I was probably pretty lucky compared to other people. I was probably a big disappointment for him. My character was just not strong enough in his eyes. I also remember not really having any friends either, because I was privately educated. And anyway..." I could literally hear the lump in Kuon's throat as a tear began to stream down the girl's cheek.

" i'm sorry. You know, I didn't really mean to end up crying."

I felt my heart break once again, watching the girl grieve. I was surprised now, though, to find out that this yet seemingly uncomplicated high school student was actually carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I did not hesitate as I jumped up from my seat to calm the blue-haired girl. I really hated it like the plague when she cried. Trying to preserve my Coolness, however, I grumbled, "oh girl. What's wrong?"

I placed myself to her left, and pressed her against my shoulder while running my hand over her hair a few times. There was no way I could bring myself to face her, though. It would be too embarrassing and, after all, I was far from being the Prince Charming who would dry her tears with a silken tissue. Besides, I could not withstand the sight of her teary eyes. So there I sat, a weeping teenage girl wetting my blazer with salty drops of grief on my right, awkwardly staring off into the distance.

"It's, it's..." she stammered, not being able to form a word. "You're the first person I've been able to trust, and because of that, I'm kind of..."

She took a deep breath, "It makes me so unbelievably happy."

Almost for the second time that day, a cigarette nearly got stuck in my throat, but this time I was able to suppress my urge to cough. The girl seemed to really like me. But did I like her too? I would be lying if I said I did not care about her. And if she got killed, I could never forgive myself. It was astonishing how one could form such a strong bond with another person in such a short period of time. However, pouring out my entire feelings in front of her would not come close to the cool lifestyle I was pursuing.

" i'm also happy to have met you, Kuon.", i finally decided to answer after a moment of figuring out how to respond.

Kuon's face, which was still streaked with tears, started to smile again, which made me feel much relieved. However, it took her a while to completely stop her wailing . We remained in this position for a while, until at some point I realized that the girl had fallen asleep. Her head had lowered in the meantime even further toward the ground, so that after some time she was no longer leaning against my shoulder but much rather against my belly. When I noticed this after some time and looked down to the girl, a cute sight presented itself to me. Admittedly, on the one hand it felt nice to act as this girl's pillow. On the other hand, it triggered an immeasurable amount of embarrassment in me. But cool guys do like to take care of girls' comfort, don't they?

Therefore, I decided I'd rather not wake her up and hardly moved at all. I looked out the window to my right, watching the sunset and reflected on certain issues. I was thinking about Rika as well as the two girls we were trying to find and, of course, about Kuon and so many other things until my eyes started to close.

When I regained consciousness, the night must have settled in. Before I could even perceive my surroundings properly, I swiveled my head once to the left and once to the right and let my gaze wander through the room. Because the moon was particularly bright this night, everything around me had taken on a deep blue tone. It was so quiet around me that I could have heard a pin drop. In the next second I realized that I should not have fallen asleep in the first place. Somebody would have had to keep watch, after all! Crap! If an enemy would have come along the way, it certainly would not have been good for me and Kuon. I looked down to my thigh where the blue-haired girl was supposed to lie. I felt her place her head on my thigh at some point during the night, but when I looked down at my thigh, I could not find any girl. Where the hell was Kuon? A rational thinking person, as I was one, could of course assume that my companion did not necessarily have to be in danger, but could also have simply visited the toilet, for example. Nonetheless, my alarm bells started ringing immediately. Kuon was, after all, a young girl who, apart from the "rail gun", did not posses many possibilities for self-defense. So of course I was worried.

Without thinking much, I hopped up from the sofa, on which I had been napping a few moments before. In quick stride I wandered through the poorly lit hallway without really having a clue where I was heading. My head was foggy from the idea that the girl might be in serious danger. A few days ago, I probably would have accepted the fact that she was suddenly nowhere to be found and continued my journey. And now my stomach was already twisting at the thought of her getting in trouble.

Nevertheless, a short moment later, my heart pounding madly from the ever-repeating scenario in my head, I heard a noise at the end of the corridor. A soft, high-pitched humming was heard, drowned out by the pattering of many drops. Light emerged from the crack of a door on the left. Was she taking a shower? The feeling of relief spread through my chest, followed by some degree of annoyance. Why did the girl not wake me up? I took a few steps towards the door, but before I was about to reach for the door handle, I remembered that I should not do so. A gentleman never violates a lady's privacy. So I decided to wait.

I leaned against the local wall, one leg bent. Then I let my thoughts wander, while the pattering of the raindrops in the bathroom right next to me showed no indication of stopping anytime soon. A lady of high society must spend quite a bit of her life showering, I thought to myself. And before I knew it, the image of Kuon suddenly popped up in my head. In my imagination I pictured her body, wondering what it looked like completely naked. A bar of soap running over her plump breasts, leaving traces of foam on her soft, wet skin. A body swinging under the hot rainfall like a leaf in the wind, presenting its vivid buttocks. I wonder if she was shaved? Hardly had I been able to finish this dirty thought of mine and get mad at my filthy thinking when my ears picked up the sound of footsteps in the distance. And they were coming ominously closer.

Damn, I thought to myself and was about to reach for my rifle, only to realize that I forgot it next to the sofa where I had been sleeping. I had been so upset about her disappearance that I could seriously forget the most crucial item for our survival.What was I going to do? For a brief moment I was at a loss. Escape proved almost impossible at this point, since I was at a dead end and I could not force the approaching enemy down with any surrounding objects. Besides, if I escaped, it would only be a matter of time before the enemy would track down my helpless companion. In the next moment, almost instinctively, I reached for the door handle that led to the bathroom that Kuon had still claimed. Perhaps there were objects in the room that were suitable for fighting, or perhaps we could be lucky and not be found, I speculated in the heat of the moment. So I tore open the door and rushed into the bathroom, greeted by a hot haze that took over the entire area.

"Kuon!" I called out in a hushed tone.

Without hesitation, I pushed my way through the door that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom as if I was walking through nothing. Until that moment, I had hardly given a thought to the circumstances of this situation. But at the latest, when finally the naked body of a schoolgirl jumped into my field of vision, I quickly realized this again. I was just about to violate Kuon's privacy. An obviously shocked girl looked towards me, that from 1 second to the other tried to cover herself desperately.

"Mr.Ma-", she was about to say, but I interrupted her raised voice by pressing my hand to her lips as quickly as possible.

While I was still in the act of stepping into the shower, I flicked the light switch in the same movement so that no sign of our presence could escape from the room. Maybe they would not find us here, I hoped at this point.

"There's someone out there," I whispered to the naked girl in front of me.

" if we are quiet, maybe we won't be found. If we are, then..."

Kuon replied to me with an unintelligible "Mmm" , which resembled the sound of a frightened gasp. My body had pressed so close to hers by now that I could feel the wetness of her skin soaking through my shirt. I had directed my face facing away from her so that I could sharpen my hearing for the footsteps I could hear. Furthermore , I did not want to add unnecessary tension to the whole situation. It was uncool enough to interfere with a naked girl taking a shower even if it was an emergency. My hand was still resting on her lips and even though I was wearing gloves and looking away, I could clearly feel the warmth building up in Kuon's cheeks. She was obviously blushing in this moment. But having her pressed against the bathroom wall while forcing my hand tightly onto her lips and not even keeping a distance of not 2 inches, I could not blame her.

For quite a while, we did not move at all. We listened closely to the footsteps, which came a little closer and finally slowly moved away from us again. Temporarily it was even so quiet in this bathroom that we could hear each other breathing. Kuon's breathing was fast and almost verged on hyperventilation in this situation. Because there was hardly any distance between our bodies, I could literally feel her chest rising and falling in short intervals. With each rise, her breasts brushed my upper body a slight bit. I tried, as always, to keep my composure and block out the fact that Kuon was completely naked. Only when several minutes had passed did my posture loosen and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, we should be safe for now," I stated and let go of the girl.

I flipped the light switch and had to swallow.

Kuon had been naked before too, but it was only now that the danger was gone that I could really comprehend this fact. She had tried to cover her breasts with her hands and had simultaneously crossed her legs, looking down with a shameful expression on her face. However, the concealment attempt seemed to be unsuccessful for her. Although I only caught a glimpse of her appearance before I turned away from her as quickly as possible, I saw her entire beauty for a moment.Her breasts were in relation to her otherwise so petite body, large and plump. She had a narrow waist and perfectly shaped legs, in combination with her smooth, fair skin. And so she shaved, I could still tell. What remained most imprinted on my mind, however, was the look on her face.I of course preferred to see her friendly smile a thousand times more than this face that expressed pure shame. But I could not help but adore the sight of her big sparkling dog eyes looking at the ground helplessly.

My breath stopped for a moment, but then I quickly cleared my throat, my gaze already averted from her, scanning the room for a towel. I tried to hide the fact that I actually wanted to slap myself for the thoughts I was having. Luckily, my embarrassment was not visible through the mask. I had to change the subject immediately before the situation became even more awkward:

"Sorry, Kuon." , I mumbled. I was surprised myself by my harsh tone. It took me a while to recollect the words.

"You should let me know next time you decide to go somewhere else."

"Oh yeah right. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.", Countered the girl who also seemed to be a bit embarrassed. So it wasn't just me who was feeling uncomfortable about this situation. Without giving my companion another look, I threw a towel right over my head at her. I had a precise aim.

" I'm going to get my rifle. I forgot it in all the hurry near the sofa."

Just as I was about to open the door to step out, the girl interrupted my process by grabbing my arm with unusual intensity.

" can you come back here afterwards? Please?"

"That's what I was planning on doing anyway. I'll be waiting right outside the door," I replied, a bit puzzled by this question.

" but I have -." she interrupted herself, shaking her head slightly before continuing.

Then her facial expression regained its former composure, whereupon she gave me her typical, beaming smile. I could tell, however, that she did not mean it honestly. How I could tell that, I had no idea myself though. But did she want me to stay here with her?

" no you're right. I'll hurry up and be done in a few minutes," she said. While she was talking, she wrapped the towel around her body in a quick movement, fastening it in front with the help of a knot.

I had meanwhile turned my gaze back to her. Although Kuon was now dressed, it was difficult for me not to inspect her from top to bottom. Her entire body was still drenched in a hint of wetness, so that her skin was reflectingthe bright bathroom light. It was also slightly red from the hot shower water. I wondered if the red tint to her cheeks was also caused by that, or if I was responsible for it.I could not help but notice the way the towel just managed to hide all the places it was supposed to cover and yet was far too tight. If she bent over, a special view would present itself to me. Immediately I dashed this disgusting thought from my head. If I continued to reduce myself only to her appearance this could end in negligence on my part and I would not be able to protect her properly.After all, that was the most important thing. I also discarded this thought. Had this strange girl really become so important to me? Nevertheless, there was no place for interpersonal relationships in this world.Before I could get any further into this train of thought, I turned away again and finally walked out of the room. I was in need of a cigarette.

[hermannsthumb]

I love your writing so so much!! Prompt: middle-aged husbands! Newt gets back from a work trip with some salt and pepper scruff he didn't have time to shave and Hermann goes a little weak in the knees

oh ho ho....also everything im writing this month and next must necessarily be set a snowy setting sry. as always thank u to k-sci-janitor for bouncing ideas w me over discord mild sexy stuff below cut!

--------

When Newton stumbles through the front door in a flurry of snow and clatter of suitcases two weeks after he left for a research trip, Hermann notices two things; the first, that the cliche about absence making the heart grow fonder really is true, the second, that Newton’s cheeks (when Hermann rushes to meet him in a rather embarrassingly fast fashion and allows himself to be scooped up into Newton’s arms, of all things) are distinctly...rougher than usual. Rougher, and pricklier. “How’s the hottest scientist in the world?” Newton says, after an entirely inappropriate amount of kissing. The neighbors could see, for goodness’ sake. “God, dude, I missed you so fucking much.”

“Close the door,” Hermann laughs. “You’re letting all the heat out, and the bloody snow in.”

But Newton merely kisses him again and again, cornering him against the wall and settling his hands low on Hermann’s hips. His cheeks scratch Hermann’s skin; Hermann shivers, not knowing whether from it or the chill of the air. “How much did you miss me?” Newton murmurs.

“Not enough to put on a show for the neighbors,” Hermann chides, though he shivers again when Newton nuzzles against him. He taps the end of his cane against the sodden laces of Newton’s boots. “Mm, ah, come on, I’ve lit a fire, and, and made us tea, take your—wet things off, and—”

Newton steps back with a grin. “You gonna warm me up, Hermann?”

“With a fire and tea,” Hermann says. He shuts the door before more snow can drift in to melt on the hardwood. “Er. For now, anyway. And do hang your jacket this time.”

Newton stumbles out of his winter things in record time, and then stumbles after Hermann the moment they’re tossed haphazardly onto the coat rack. “It’s so…neat in here,” he says, marveling as they pass through the tidy kitchen to get to the equally tidy sitting room, where the fireplace blazes away. “Did you do anything besides clean while I was gone?”

The truth of the matter is that Hermann (lost to mathematical abstraction, and lacking a partner to snap him out of it) let his clutter—half-finished tea, discarded notebook pages, broken pencils and chalk—pile up on every available surface throughout the two weeks of Newton’s absence, and only remembered the previous evening that this was not the usual state of their flat and he ought to see to it very quickly before Newton arrived home. He hopes Newton doesn’t take a peek inside their study any time soon. “Er, something like that,” Hermann says. “Clean, and miss you horrendously. How was the trip?”

“Long,” Newton says. He sits on the couch and drags Hermann down with him. There’s something different in his face Hermann can’t quite put his finger on—he’s changed somehow, Hermann is sure of it, but the question is how? Has he resorted to his spare pair of glasses? No—these are the ones he usually wears; Hermann can see the miniscule crack at the bottom of the left lens, sustained after a particularly energic round of lovemaking in which Hermann rolled right over on top of them. Not that any of that is at all relevant, of course. “Lonely. Fascinating, though, I wish you’d come with me.”

Newton was excited about his trip for weeks. Even the extinction of his object of study couldn’t make him any less one of the top k-biologists, and he was brought in to oversee the salvaging of some of the very last kaiju remains in existence—preserved all these years since the closure of the Breach by the ice of Alaska. Newton sent picture after picture of it, the snow, him bumbling around in the snow in Hermann’s borrowed winter parka, the team he led bundled up in parkas of their own. Hermann knows he ought to ask about it and ask how the salvage efforts went; he knows he ought to ask about the cold, and the snow, and whether or not the other remaining k-scientists were anyone they’d worked with before. Instead, he can’t seem to stop squinting at Newton. “Have you cut your hair?” Hermann says. “Or styled it differently, perhaps? Only there’s something so different about you, I can’t put my finger on it.”

“Different?” Newton says, frowning. “What do you—?" Then he laughs. “Oh! Yeah, I was wayyyy too busy to shave. You’re looking at, like, about as close as I ever get to a full-on beard.” He drags his hand over his jaw, and it rasps audibly. Of course—how did Hermann not realize that from Newton’s scratchy kisses? His stubble, usually so carefully maintained (even in the midst of the war), is overgrown enough to verge on thick, and for the first time Hermann notices the decent smattering of grey across it. It’s—well—it’s hardly a bad look on him. Rather, Hermann might say it’s the opposite. It makes him look older, a bit more…er, distinguished. “You like it?”

Hermann remembers the marvelous way it scratched across his skin. “Hmm,” he says.

Newton laughs again, and tugs at the front of Hermann’s sweater. “C’mon, take this off already. It’s been two weeks, dude.”

Hermann can’t argue with that logic.

Later, in bed, as Newton—having volunteered selflessly for the duty of big spoon—snores away happily at Hermann’s back, Hermann considers recent developments. He’s never been dissatisfied with Newton’s appearance before; he’s never looked at his husband and thought oh, I wish his hair was a bit different, or I could do without those glasses. Certainly never I want him to have a big, magnificent face of grey stubble that tickles my neck and my chest and my thighs and… Hermann presses his face into his pillow and groans in mortification. Oh, but God, it is an improvement. It’s an improvement Hermann never knew Newton needed. Not that he did need it—it’s just—Oh.

Newton mumbles something in his sleep and rolls away from Hermann. His stubble catches and drags on the back of Hermann’s neck, and Hermann stifles a moan into the pillow this time. Newton intends to shave it off, Hermann knows. Hermann watched him unpack his suitcase in the bedroom, watched him carefully tuck his shaving kit back into the medicine cabinet with a laugh and a reassurance of that very fact (take a picture while you can, it’s coming off tomorrow), all while he felt the tingle of irritated skin between his thighs that Newton had left behind on the couch. He snuck a glimpse at it when he changed into pyjamas—a faded red that matches that on his neck.

To explain to Newton why it is imperative he not proceed with his planned shave would be far too mortifying an experience for Hermann to undergo. And Newton would certainly never let him hear the end of it. No; it would be better to take matters into his own hands. Hermann swings two socked feet to the floor and reaches for his cane as quietly as he can manage.

Newton’s back-up disposable razors are snapped in two and buried in the bottom of the trashcan, beneath two weeks’ worth of dental floss and paper Dixie cups. His nice shaving kit proves a bit more of a challenge, not in the least because Hermann bought it for him as a birthday gift not long ago, and the thought of intentionally damaging it makes him cringe. He settles on simply stealing all the razor attachments and hiding them at the bottom of the spare hand towel basket. Hopefully, by the time they turn up, Newton will have long-since decided to grow out his stubble even further.

Newton stirs very lightly when Hermann tucks himself back beneath the bedspread and Newton’s arm. “’S the matter?” he mumbles.

“Had to use the loo,” Hermann whispers back.

“Mm,” Newton says, and presses his lips Hermann’s shoulder once before his breathing slowly evens out.

Hermann lazes in bed late the next morning. Late for them, anyway; pseudo-retirement hasn’t managed to knock a decade of strict routine out of him and Newton yet, and they still wake and dress before the sunrise like the war never ended. However, a soft, warm, and jetlagged Newton in his arms is hard to pull himself away from, especially with nothing but a foot of snow outside to look forward to, so he lets himself drift happily in and out of dreams for a good hour or so. Until Newton’s cell phone alarm startles them both up, that is. “Ugh,” Newton groans, smacking around on the bedside table for it. “Stupid thing. Where—”

He left it on Hermann’s bedside table. Hermann switches it off.

“Thanks, dude,” Newton says. He yawns. “Got a meeting this afternoon about the, uh, samples. Never get a break.”

Hermann hears him walk to the bathroom. He hears him open the medicine cabinet. He hears the zip of his shaving kit bag. “Uh,” Newton says. He pokes his head into the bedroom. “Hermann, do you know what happened to my razor?”

Hermann sits up and feigns a frown. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Like, all the parts are gone,” Newton says. He rifles through the kit again, as if to be sure, and shakes his head. “Yeah. They’re all gone. Shit, did I leave them at the base?”

“Oh, no,” Hermann says. “Your nice razor? The one I got you?”

Newton ducks back into the bathroom; Hermann hears him rattle around in the medicine cabinet again. “All my razors are missing. What the hell? I have a meeting in a few hours, I can’t show up looking like—” There’s a loud clatter, as if Newton knocked all their medication bottles over into the sink, and he swears. “Oh, well that’s fucking peachy.” He slams the cabinet door shut.

“Newton, come back to bed,” Hermann calls. He and Newton have limited time before they’re meant to start their responsibilities for the day, and he would like very much to enjoy that time to the fullest. “You’re making a mess of things. I’m sure you’ve just misplaced your razor—perhaps it’s in your suitcase.” When Newton doesn’t immediately bend to his command, Hermann rolls his eyes and lowers his voice. “Newton, darling,” he says, though this time in more of a purr. “Come back to bed.”

Newton is back and on Hermann in a flash. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he says between kisses. His fingers creep up Hermann’s pajama shirt and graze over Hermann’s ribs before tugging the shirt off entirely. “Hermann, I missed having sex with you so bad. You have no idea. Ugh.” He grinds his prick, already hard, into Hermann’s clothed thigh, and nips at his ear. “I kept thinking about your stupid sexy face, and your stupid sexy dick, and your stupid hair—” He burrows himself into the crook of Hermann’s newly bared neck and shoulder and kisses his collarbone, and Hermann moans at the scratchy sensation of his stubble shadow before he can help himself.

“Newton,” he gasps, “oh, bugger—”

“Ha, yeah, you like when I talk about your sexy dick, babe?” Newton says. “It’s so awesome and sexy, I can’t wait to—"

“Not that,” Hermann says. “Kiss me there again.” Newton obliges; Hermann whimpers and shivers, and (before he can help himself) confesses aloud “Oh, that damn beard of yours… I want it all over me…”

Newton pulls away with a frown. “You do?” he says. “Wait. Hermann—did you do something to my razor?”

“No,” Hermann lies. He wiggles around in a desperate attempt to get Newton’s stubble back on his skin, but Newton only pulls back further. He sighs. “Er. Perhaps. They’re just hidden, is all.”

Newton’s frown flicks up into a grin, and he laughs. “Dude, you could’ve just told me. You’re so dumb. So you like when I do this, then?” He dips back down to kisses a trail along Hermann’s sternum, making sure to graze his cheeks over his skin at every inch. “Or this?” He ducks beneath the covers and nuzzles at Hermann’s abdomen.

“Yes,” Hermann moans to the Newton-shaped lump under the blanket. Newton’s fingers work open his drawstring and slowly inch his pajama trousers down. “Yes, Newton, ah—”

“Or—”

Suffice to say, Newton keeps the beard.

[lu-undy]

Chapter 100 - SBT

Here it is! Ladies and Mentlegen, we did it, 100 chapters, and the story’s not finished yet ;-;

"Hey, you alright?" Mundy looked down but Lucien did not want to part from his arms.

"O-oui."

Hearing the stutter did not convince Mundy. 

"What is it, love?"

"I don't want to leave your arms. I know it is selfish of me to say but I need to get it out of me." He slowly raised his eyes to Mundy. "I cannot live without you, Mundy. I mean this in the most serious way there possibly is. The thought of you leaving me puts tears in my eyes uncontrollably fast. I…" Lucien sighed. "I know that your father would rather you left me but…" He lowered his head and gently headbutted Mundy's chest. "I don't want that to happen. I-I just can't." 

Mundy gave Lucien a second but he saw how distraught and preoccupied his lover was. He raised his head and slowly, the context appeared. The dance floor, the people, the musicians, the restaurant. They had all disappeared for God only knew how long.

"C'mere, we gotta go back home." 

There was no dessert, no final full stop to their dinner. Both of them needed to have a serious discussion and Mundy felt that Lucien was boiling to burst out but held himself back only out of habit, because he used to bottle it up all the time. 

When they reached home, they entered hand in hand and Mundy turned to remove Lucien's long, black coat from him. The Frenchman was paralysed. It was taking him that much energy and focus to not spill what the walls of his lips struggled to contain, that the rest of his body couldn't afford to move. The Aussie helped him out of his high-heeled boots and turned to him.

"Let's get upstairs." 

"I…" Lucien raised glistening eyes to Mundy. "I can't…" 

"Then, I'll carry you, c'mere, gorgeous." Mundy slid a hand behind Lucien's knees and another behind his back. "There we go…" Lucien curled up in Mundy's arms as he carried him upstairs, in the bedroom. "And… There we are… on the bed." He gently laid Lucien there and the minute his arms left him, Lucien reached for him and clawed on his arm. 

"Please…! Stay with me…" 

"I am, I just wanna remove my jacket… Here… Now the bowtie, the vest… Open up a few buttons on the shirt, and here I am, sweetheart. Now I can hold you, there we go, and you can tell me everythin', go ahead…" 

They were lying on the bed, on their side, facing each other. The bedroom was dark so Mundy just switched on one of the night lamps.

"I am so sorry…" Lucien closed his eyes, out of shame.

"Why?" 

"I organised all this for you and now it's all about me, I'm… I am a disgrace…" Lucien hid his face in his gloved hands. 

"No, Lu', please…" Mundy gently took his wrists and pulled them off of his face. "Tell me." 

"But I was supposed to surprise you and take care of you, not…"

"Not what?" Mundy brushed a lock of Lucien's hair behind his ear.

"Not… Not fall in love again with you." 

Mundy smiled. 

"Hey, I feel the same for you, darl'. It's alright." 

"Non, Mundy, I wanted to take your mind off things, to make you dream, for one evening, and now I am just realising that… Mon Dieu…" 

"Whatever it is, get it out, Lu'."

"I love you so much and so deeply… I cannot afford to see you go! My head tells me that you might and my body just cannot bear it. I am sorry, this does not help you at all, in any way." Lucien looked away. 

"Hey." Mundy put a hand on his cheek and made him face him again. "It's not all about helpin' me. We gotta help you too. Now, listen here." Lucien raised his eyes to his lover's lagoon blue ones. "I'll say it now and I'll repeat it every bloody day if needs be. I won't go away from you. Whatever happens with my Dad, it's lasted for long enough. If he accepts us, he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't. I'm not gonna run after him my whole life; did it for forty-odd years already, and it didn't amount to anythin'. Now you look me in the eye, pretty thing." Mundy slid both hands on Lucien's cheeks and pushed his forehead against his. "I won't ever go away from you, you hear me? Ever. D'you hear me?"

Lucien nodded. 

"Say it." 

"You won't leave me…?" Lucien's voice broke. 

"I won't leave you. Wherever I go, you come with me, whether he likes it or not. I don't live for him. I live for myself. And Mum's fine with us, she understands. Dad's never understood me anyway, and if it's not gonna change even after the ten years away and all, then so be it."

Lucien's eyebrows jumped. 

"Yeah, I'm not sayin' this like that. I really thought about it. Not only is he weighin' a ton on my shoulders but he's preventin' us both to sleep and he's puttin' tears in your eyes now? It's unfair. You don't deserve to cry for this, you don't deserve to cry for anything, baby." Mundy closed his eyes, his forehead still against Lucien's.

And the Frenchman broke. His tears started streaming like two black rivers of diluted mascara down his cheeks and his overall face.

"M-Mundy, you don't have to…" He sniffled. "You don't have to be so harsh."

"I'm just so bloody tired of it. I was happy and he's breakin' it all now? No, I won't let him, c'mere." Mundy wrapped his arms around his lover and pulled him close. "Cry if you want to, gorgeous angel, but I won't let him hurt us anymore. The only reason he thinks he can make me change my mind is because he assumes I'm listenin' to him. Well, that's it, not anymore! He will have to listen, bloody hell!" 

Mundy rolled such that Lucien was lying on top of him. 

"I am so sorry… I don't want to push you to make such drastic decisions… Because…" 

"Why, beautiful? Tell me everythin'." Mundy asked confidently.

"Because you are being exactly like him if you do…" 

Mundy's eyebrows jumped. He hadn't thought of that, he hadn't seen it that way. 

"Then, tell me, Lu'. Tell me what I should do…" 

Lucien looked into Mundy's eyes and smiled. 

"Stay as you are, mon amour, please. Continue living your life the way that you have, continue to smile at whatever makes you happy, continue to… continue to please, love me." 

"I…" Seeing Lucien plead with his voice, his tears and his eyes was a strong sight to behold. "I never stopped lovin' you, Lu', and I won't."

"I am so sorry…"

"Stop apologisin', please." 

"Non!" He exclaimed. "I am supposed to be the older one, the calm one, the one with reason! And look at me now! In tears, I am in tears… This is shameful, I sincerely apologise to you, please, don't look at me…" Lucien covered his face again but Mundy pulled his hands away. 

"No, luv'. It's you and me in this couple, not just me. You don't have to carry everythin' on your shoulders. I'm a grown up man and I'll carry everythin' with you!"

"Mundy...?"

"Yeah?" 

"I… I love you." 

"Love you too, sweetheart. But hold on, your make-up's sinking everywhere, let me grab some tissue and some water. I'll clean you up." Mundy kissed Lucien's forehead before going to the bathroom, he came back not a minute later to find Lucien sitting on the bed, his back against the bedhead. Mundy sat next to him. "Here… Let me wipe all that mess, yeah?"

"My apologies."

"Told you, don't apologise, beautiful…" Mundy wetted a tissue with some water and Lucien closed his eyes. He then felt the cold tissue gently wipe his eyes and eyelashes. "There… Hold on, need more tissue, that stuff's really sticky, eh?" And it soothed Lucien, the periodic movement of the cold tissue on his eyelids lulled him slowly. 

"Oh, I think most of it is gone on your eyes. Now, let me wipe your cheeks… There we go… You can open your eyes, now." 

Lucien obeyed and his eyelids fluttered slightly. He saw Mundy give him the first earnest smile in weeks…!

"Mon Dieu, your smile is a delicacy for my eyes." 

"The whole of you's a delicacy for the whole of me, I mean… Look at all this, eh?" Mundy's head went down Lucien's silhouette. "You completely shaved your face, your legs, and even your chest, eh?" 

Lucien nodded with a smile. 

"I hope you don't find this too unsettling, it will stay like this for a week or so before it all grows back up."

"Unsettlin'? You joking? It's bloody sexy…" Mundy answered, his eyes still everywhere along Lucien's dress. 

"You prefer it if I shave everything off?" 

"I don't care… I just… You're hot anyway."

Lucien's eyebrows jumped. 

"I am surprised that you didn't… How shall I phrase this…? You didn't push me back when you realised that it was me."

"Lu', look at you… Gloves up to the elbows and, dress with a cut up to yer thigh, the stockings! Gosh, the stockings… And the boots you had! How the hell could you walk and dance with heels that high?"

"Well…" Lucien chuckled. 

"You did it a few times before, eh? Back when you were a spook, I guess?"

"Non." Lucien shook his head. "I never wore heels that high before. I trained on my own for this one occasion."

"You trained?" 

"I went to Richard a few times and put the boots on just to get used to them."

"Y-you what?!" 

"It is quite tricky if you are not used to it." Lucien explained. "It's all a question of delicate balance."

"No, I didn't mean it that way, I meant… You… How long've you been preparin' this then?" 

"Does it matter?" 

Their eyes met and Mundy smiled wider. 

"That bloody sentence used to get on my nerves so much from you." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." 

"Why?" 

"Back when you were a spook, you were usin' it all the time to not answer a question." 

"And I still do, hm?" 

"Yeah, apparently." 

They chuckled. 

"But Lu'?"

"Oui?"

"What now?" 

"Well, I would need some help to remove this dress. The zipper is behind my back." He answered nonchalantly. 

"But if I don't help you, does that mean you keep the dress longer?" Mundy raised a cocky eyebrow and Lucien smirked. He liked where this was all going. 

"I am afraid so, Mundy." Lucien faked his distress. 

"Don't be afraid, doll, c'mere…" Mundy went on all four in front of Lucien and pushed his lips against the Frenchman's, who sank to lie down on the bed. Mundy was on top of him, pushing him deeper and deeper in the mattress while Lucien wrapped his arms up around his lover's neck. 

"M-Mundy, wait." 

"Mh?" Mundy broke the kiss. 

"Are you feeling alright?" Lucien asked. "I did not organise all this to just… Have a moment of intimacy. It was first and foremost to help you think about something else, see something else." 

"And you did brilliantly, love. I feel back like I used to be. You're right. Let Dad do whatever he wants. I'm livin' my own life, and that life is with you. Hopefully he'll accept it in time, otherwise, bah… At least I've got Mum." 

Lucien cupped Mundy's face. 

"That sounds more like the compassionate Mundy whom I fell in love with, oui." 

"Happy?" 

"More than that, delighted. You?" 

"Impatient." Mundy answered. 

"For what?" Lucien asked. 

The Aussie lay down on him and went to his ear. He murmured a few words there and Lucien's eyebrows jumped before he bit his lip. 

"Me too, Mundy. Would you prefer me out of the dress and feminine attire?" 

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…" Mundy shook his head. "Can't say I don't like it if I never try it, eh? 'sides, I like it quite a bit…"

"Oh?" Lucien's eyes snapped wide when Mundy's hand went to his hip, on one side. 

"Your waist's so thin… I can almost hold half of you with one hand only." Mundy bent down and resumed his heated kisses with his lover. "Bloody sexy, you are…" 

His hand went from Lucien's hip, down to his thigh. Mundy pushed the slit on the dress wider and slipped his fingers through, to caress his lover's thigh on the black nylon stockings. Lucien breathed louder, almost moaned, and Mundy chuckled. 

"Come up here, need to open yer dress, doll." Mundy pulled Lucien to sit up on his knees and he went behind his back. He pushed Lucien's long hair to the side and took the zipper in his hand before sliding it down slowly. 

"Hm…" He then gently pushed the dress left and right, off of Lucien's shoulder. The Frenchman lowered his head and felt Mundy's strong hands on his arms left and right, while his mouth was busy on the back of his neck and shoulders. He was leaving a trail of hot, slow pecks, like the footprints of his journey across Lucien's body. 

Lucien wrapped his arms around himself prudely and Mundy let his hands roam free on his lover's back. His fingers ghosted his spine, his shoulder blades, his sides. Lucien whimpered and his skin prickled everywhere. 

"Ticklish?" 

"A bit, oui." 

"Right… Let's get you out of this dress, yeah?" 

Lucien nodded and in a few seconds it was done. 

"Oh, wow… Didn't expect that…" Mundy's eyes discovered that from Lucien's black underwear hung a few satin bands that kept the stockings up. "Gosh…" 

"I might have overdone it, maybe." Lucien lay back down on the bed.

"No, what are you talkin' about… You're just… I could eat you…" 

Mundy originally wanted to remove his own clothes but there was no time, he was too eager…! He lay flat on his chest between Lucien's legs that he gently opened, while caressing them up along the stockings, all the way to his thighs. Yeah, Lu' had shaved his legs and thighs completely off, his skin was so smooth…! 

Mundy got closer and started kissing his soft thighs, to which Lucien moaned and trembled. 

"Guess you can feel it more now, eh?" 

"Oui…!" Lucien screwed his eyes. "You are so warm… Your lips… They burn…" 

Mundy smiled and went on kissing Lucien's inner thighs. He gently pulled his legs to rest on his shoulders and back and got closer to the Frenchman's nether regions. 

"Mmh, someone's in the mood, eh?"

"Guess whose fault it is…" Lucien looked down and they exchanged a smile. 

Yes, Mundy could clearly see the outline of his lover's masculinity through the underwear. But he didn't want to remove it, not when it was connected to the stockings. 

"C'mere…"

"Hah…! Mundy…!" 

The Aussie kissed his lover's member on top of the underwear, again and repeatedly, exploring everywhere along its length and underneath it. 

"Oui… Oui…" Lucien panted. He raised his head and arched his back while Mundy continued to push his hungry lips on his lover's most intimate regions, albeit hindered by the underwear. But he felt it nonetheless, the Frenchman was loving the attention there, and the restraint of the underwear just made his eagerness grow more. He slid his hands on Mundy's head and the Aussie growled. The vibrations of his deep voice sent bolts of electricity along Lucien's body. "Mundy… Please…" He started to sweat.

"Yeah? What is it…?"

"Please…" Lucien put his hands on the elastic band of his underwear and started pushing it down.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…" Mundy pushed them away. "Let me do it for you, yeah?"

Lucien nodded. 

"Right, what do we have here…? We gotta loosen these lil' laces, yeah?" 

He nodded again. 

"C'mere…" Mundy pulled the black laces between Lucien's underwear and his stockings… with his teeth. One by one, they yielded and soon, the Aussie bit his lover's hip before his teeth slid down to grip onto his underwear and pull down as far as his head could reach. "Mmmh…" He removed Lucien's underwear completely and threw it away. "There we go now, much better, yeah?" 

"Oui." Lucien whispered, his hands still brushing Mundy's hair. 

"Oh wow…" Mundy's eyebrows jumped when his eyes ended up between Lucien's legs again. "You shaved there too?" 

Lucien nodded. 

"Wow… You look so… I'm… C'mere, I need you…" Mundy's hands went to touch where he was used to feel thick and short hairs, above Lucien's masculinity. It was smooth as it could be now and he loved it. He kissed the skin there repeatedly before a question popped in his mind and interrupted him. "Lu'?"

"Oui?" 

"Did you shave… behind as well?" 

"Take a look for yourself…" Lucien gently rolled and offered the sight that Mundy couldn't resist. 

"Hold on, 's too bloody hot in here, need my clothes off." 

"Oh, allow me, please." Lucien rolled again to face Mundy and the Aussie nodded.

"Sure." 

They were both kneeling on the bed, facing each other, as Lucien kissed his lover in his neck while undoing the buttons of his shirt, one after the other, slowly. He threw his long gloves away and his hands slid on Mundy's torso, up, through his chest hair, on his upper chest and around his neck. 

Distracted. Lucien got distracted and just wanted to feel Mundy's chest against his own. He pulled him into a kiss and stuck his entire torso to him. Mundy took a second to remove his shirt before lacing his arms around his lover. 

"Mmh… Mundy… So virile…" 

"Course, I'm a man, eh?"

They spoke between the lapping sounds of their kisses, making the air gently snap.

"Non, you're my man." 

"And you're my little doll, tonight, yeah?"

"Oui, tonight and forever." 

"Mmh, I like the sound of that… Let me get my trousers and the rest off…" Mundy removed his clothes and threw them away before turning again to Lucien, who was lying down on the bed, his long, slim legs seductively sliding against each other. "Gosh…" 

Mundy dived to Lucien's lips, he splayed his hands left and right flat on the bed. He kissed, lapped and licked as much as he tasted them. Sweet, Lucien's lips were so sweet. He pulled on his bottom lip and sucked on it gently. Gosh, he couldn't get enough of the taste. 

Lucien moaned beneath him, he let his jaw loosen, opened his mouth and let Mundy have his way. His lips were kissed, lapped at, but soon the Aussie moved to his cheeks. He delicately stroked them, and with restraint, he dropped equally soft pecks under his ear, down his neck. 

Lucien noticed that it was different. Mundy was being more… gentle, he was taking his time. When he arrived on the Frenchman's chest, he laced his fingers between Lucien's and took his time, kissing the bare and hairless chest, playing with the pink nipples, ghosting them with his teeth and pulling moans and whimpers out of Lucien's lungs. 

But Mundy soon stopped and moved away on the bed. Lucien's eyebrows jumped in surprise but soon he relaxed when Mundy crawled back and resumed his position between Lucien's legs. 

"Open yer legs, yeah… Beautiful…" 

Lucien looked down and bit his lip. 

Pop. 

The plastic bottle was opened. So much for taking his time, Mundy was preparing him already? 

"C'mere, sweet doll…" Mundy pulled Lucien's legs on his shoulders again and got closer to his aching member. He kissed it and lapped at it, gently swirling his tongue around it with closed eyes, hugging the thin hips and thighs wrapped around his neck. He caressed them, felt the softness of the skin, then the stockings and he loved it. He didn't want Lucien to remove them, no, he looked far too good like that. 

"Oh-!" 

Mundy gently worked a first finger while his mouth was on his lover's needy end. Lucien tried to relax when-

"Hold on… You really…?" Mundy gently rolled him around and put his hands left and right where he loved it so much. Lucien thought he just wanted to get better access for his fingers but… "Gosh, it's so smooth…!" And without further ado, he dug in with his teeth and lapped enthusiastically with his warm and slick tongue. Lucien cried under the surprise and grabbed a pillow, clawing his fingers in because he needed to grab something, grasp it and hold on to it dearly.

But soon Mundy came back from his fit of lust and continued to prepare his lover. He had turned Lucien on his back again. 

"Oh, wow… Someone's… leaky, eh?"

Lucien tried to land back to reality and looked down on his body. The shy puddle on his abdomen screamed how much he craved his lover.

"S-sorry, my apologies-ha…!" 

Mundy added another finger and took his time.

"Don't apologise. Never apologise for this…" He kissed his abdomen around the proof of Lucien's lust crime and raised his eyes to the Frenchman. Their eyes locked. Tension for an instant. And Mundy gently stuck his tongue out and cleaned his lover's mess.

"Mundy-!" The sight made Lucien's head roll back and his back arch. He screwed his eyes shut hard. "Mundy! Mundy! Hah!" He panted and Mundy could see the throbbing along his lover's length. 

"Like it, eh?" 

"Nnnh…!" Lucien nodded, his eyebrows arched high up, and he bit his lower lip to shut himself up. Mundy gently removed his hand and coated his own masculinity generously before laying on top of Lucien. He was an inch away from his face. 

"C'mere, you porcelain, snow-white doll…" They kissed and Mundy didn't wait to lead it the French way. 

"Mh?!" Lucien got taken aback by the bitter taste on Mundy's tongue and his eyes snapped wide when he understood what it was. But the surprise was very temporary, because before he could fully realise, his eyes had rolled up in bliss and Mundy was positioning himself.

"Yeah, there we go, I'll go slow tonight, need to love you good…" 

And Mundy's hips rolled slowly until he was but one with his lover. 

"Hah… Huh… M-Mundy…?" 

"Breathe slowly… There you are, yeah…" He put a hand on Lucien's chest and lay down on his lover. 

"Mundy?" 

"Yeah?"

"I love… I love you… I love you…" Lucien panted. 

"Me too, but let me love you good, yeah?" 

The Frenchman nodded, in a needy way, and that was it.

[louhooo]

If I Didn't Care

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky finally catches a break.

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Like, a handful of swear words, SO MUCH FLUFF AND SO MANY FEELINGS

A/N: I’ve been on quarantine for the last week and I was in a 1940s Bucky mood 🤷‍♀️ This and this inspired me.

As always, feedback is a very much appreciated and welcomed!!! 💘💘💘

Tick… Tock… Tick… Tok…

The wooden clock, the last thing you had of your granddad’s, sat nestled atop the pink crocheted doily Becca made for you four years ago. She claimed crocheting took her mind off of “it”.

You wrote to him when Becca gave it to you, telling him all about how talented his sister was and how he needed to hurry home so he could boast her up, too.

That’s how you were in the early letters; lighthearted. Blithe. Unfettered that Bucky was thousands of miles away, acting as though he was still at camp in Indiana. Steadfast on the notion that he would be home soon, and you could have your fella back.

Bucky read that particular letter for a few weeks while he was stuck in a trench. Some soldiers ribbed him about the “lovesick look” he gave the pieces of paper. Others shared an understanding pat on his back, as they themselves had memorized every word their sweethearts back home had wrote for them.

He tried writing back to you a few times, tried coming up with something smart to say that he knew would make you laugh… but he couldn’t. He was tired. And scared. And wanted to be home more than he could truthfully tell you.

I’m sorry it’s takin’ me so long, honey. I keep tryin’ to tell ya about what’s going on here, but I can only tell you so much… and none of it is anything you’d want to hear, anyways.

I just miss you, sweetheart. More than you know.

All my love,

Bucky

Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes, 107th

Two weeks later he was captured. 

You stirred beside him, pulling Bucky from long ago memories and into the present. He rolled to his side, gazing at you, memorizing the curve of your exposed back in the early morning light. You clutched the pillow under your arms, a soft hum coming from you.

You took a deep breath, stretching toes as you turned your head away from the window, not ready for the day to begin. Your face scrunched as you dared to open one eye, only to be met with a steely gaze and deep circles, and a warm smile that tried convincing you everything was perfect. You slid your hand across the bed until you met the warmth of his calloused hand and squeezed halfheartedly.

“Why’re you awake?” His smile deepened as he rubbed his thumb over your smooth skin.

“How can I sleep when there’s an angel next to me? If I sleep, I’ll miss it.” A sleepy grin spread on your face, and you huffed a laugh through your nose.

“You’re a real charmer, Barnes.”

“Only for you, sugar.” Bucky felt your hand tighten in his, and he moved your hands towards his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on the curve of your finger. You sighed contently and closed your eyes, sleep still fresh in your mind.

“What time is it?” You asked, your face half smushed against the pale blue linen. His other hand brushed the loose curls from your face, the tips of his fingers following the smoothness of your skin down your back.

“Almost six.” You hummed, in acknowledgement or pleasure, he wasn’t sure.

“Can we stay in bed forever?” He grinned and leaned over to kiss your shoulder.

“As long as you don’t hog the covers.” He laid on his back as he watched another lazy grin spread on your face.

“No promises.” Down below, the city was starting to stir, meaning the illusion of peace would be coming to an end for the time being. You groaned and pulled yourself closer to Bucky, seeking his warmth. “We hafta get up soon, don’t we?” Bucky chortled as you squinted up at him.

“’Fraid so, sweetheart.” You groaned softly and dropped your head onto the plains of his chest. He chuckled and rubbed his palm down the back of your head, smoothing your hair. You tilted your head and looked up at him, a tired pout on your face.

“Can you promise me now that we won’t make any plans for the weekend? I need 48 continuous hours with my husband.” An effortless chuckle vibrated in his chest and he stared at you with hearts in his eyes.

“Yes, ma’am.” Happy with his answer, you pushed yourself up, your lips landing on his, quieting the storm that lingered in Bucky’s thoughts. You started to pull away, but Bucky pulled you back in, cupping your face and kissing you like it was the first time. One hand stayed on the bed to keep your balance and the other laid on top of his hand, your fingers going over the metal band on his finger. You pulled back with a gasp, air filling your lungs.

You gazed at each other as you both worked to control your breathing, both forgetting that you needed to start getting ready for the day.

“If you keep kissin’ me like that, we’ll be late and—” Bucky pulled you back, swallowing your words before they had a chance to pass your lips. You moved so he could hover over you and he settled between your legs, rolling his hips.

The day could wait a little while longer.

“Buck?” Bucky blinked, subconsciously shaking his head as he turned to look at Steve. 

“Yeah?” Steve studied the man beside him, fear visibly seeping through Bucky’s pores. 

Silent fear. 

Fear that would never be spoken about to anyone, not even Steve. 

Bucky adjusted the hat on his lap and cleared his throat, hoping that distracting himself would make the situation easier.

Steve let out a tired sigh and settled in the spot beside his friend.

“Think your mom made her apple pie for us?” Bucky huffed a laugh, an easy grin spreading across his face. 

“Hell… I don’t even remember what it tastes like anymore. Hope she made two, ‘cause I’m not sharing any with you.” They both laughed, loud and freely.

Steve continued before he could stop himself. “Do you think Y/N’s gonna be able to leave the hospital?” Bucky’s laughter quieted, his grin fading away into the frown he’d had the entirety of the boat ride home. 

“Yeah. Her last letter said she would.” Bucky had written a letter to his mom, telling her to let you know you didn’t have to be there when they docked, that he’d understand if you were too busy. He shouldn’t have been surprised when just two and a half weeks later, he found a letter from you sitting on his bed.

Foolish.

Utterly stupid.

Completely moronic.

Those were just some of the things you called him in your seven page letter. And Bucky knew it. A part of him knew you’d show, and you had probably talked with the other nurses as soon as you heard his return date so that they’d help cover for you so that you’d be able to be there.

He knew that.

But the other, louder part of him feared that you wouldn’t be there. That, at some point in the years since you had last seen each other, you fell in love with someone new and just couldn’t tell him over writing. 

You can’t break up with someone in writing, Bucky, you had told him his last night home, so if you wanna break up, you have to do it now. But save your breath because I won’t accept it anyways.

Or, maybe what he feared most would be how you looked at him. Would you still see him as the same kid he was when he left, or would you only see the shell of who was left?

Someone shouted about seeing the Statue of Liberty and the ship broke out in cheers.

They were home.

Cloudy, warm water sat in the basin as Bucky took long, steady strokes down his face. He hadn’t shaved in almost a week, much to his mother’s dismay. When she dropped off a casserole earlier in the week, she, in that way that mothers do, stared in quiet disappointment at his jaw, never saying a word, but getting her point across perfectly.

Bucky finished shaving and wiped his face with a fresh towel and stared at himself in the mirror, resting his hands on the cool porcelain, his fingers curling over the edge. The circles under his eyes seemed darker and more noticeable with no beard to take all the attention.

“Honey?” You knocked on the door twice as a courtesy, and pushed the bathroom door open, “I finished ironing your shirt.” You smiled and brought in a cup of coffee just how he liked it. “It’s hanging up on the door.” You hummed in subdued surprise and stepped into the small yellow bathroom and smiled at Bucky in the mirror, your free hand running across his lower back as you stood beside him. “You look nice.”

Bucky grinned as he took the mug from your hand and took a drink, the hot beverage instantly soothing his mind.

“Thanks, baby.” He set the coffee down on the shelf under the mirror and took the drain out of the sink, setting the stopper up to dry. Your fingers ghosted over his left shoulder and he tensed, inhaling sharply. His head turned quickly and he stared at you, an apologetic grimace on your face.

“Sorry… Are they botherin’ you?” You stared closely at the angry scars that littered his arm, looking for any sign of irritation that might be causing his discomfort. 

He knew what you meant. Wanted to know if they were hurting him in any way, not just tangibly. After Switzerland, doctor’s had been able to save his arm, but the scars and pain that it left him made him wonder if it was worth it. They told him he suffered damage to his nerves, so he’d never be able to use his left arm the same way.

But when his arm started to heal a few weeks after his surgery, the doctors were bewildered. 

Amazing, they’d told him. 

It wasn’t. Not really. It was just another reminder of what he went through when he was captured.

“No… they’re fine.” Your eyes flashed to his, giving him chance to change his answer. “I’m just anxious about my interview.”

“Oh, Buck, you’re gonna knock it outta the park! I guarantee they don’t let you leave without hiring you on the spot!” You turned to face each, taking his hands in yours. He squeezed your hands and watched his thumb rub over your knuckles.

“What do I tell ‘em? ‘My wife thinks I’m great, so you hafta hire me?’” You chuckled and shook your head.

“No, just tell ‘em I make the best chocolate cake, so they be glad they hired you come the holidays.” Bucky chortled, skimming his thumb over the gold band on your finger. “Tell them you’re the best mechanic they’re ever going to find, and not hiring you would be the dumbest thing they could do,” you pulsed your hands, “I can go to lunch early if you want me to walk with you to the interview?” Bucky let out a long sigh and finally met your gaze.

“That’s okay, sweetheart. I wouldn’t want you to be late gettin’ back to the hospital.”

“’S not that big o’ deal. I’ll have one of the girls cover for me if I’m not back.” He gave you that soft smile, that smile that told you he wanted to tell you no, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You took a deep breath and studied him, reaching up to wipe the small bit of shaving cream that lingered by his ear. “Fine… I’ll stop, I’ll stop.”

“Thanks, Y/N,” a gentle kiss to your forehead and you separated, Bucky taking his coffee and going to the bedroom to get dressed. You stared at yourself in the mirror, wondering if you were simply making up the annoyance Bucky held for you, or if it was factual, and now he was stuck with someone who pestered him. 

He’ll talk to you if he wants to, Y/N, your friends affirmed, don’t take it personally. My Johnny does the same thing. They all do it.

Not Bucky. 

Your Bucky shared his soul with you years ago, and now he was hiding it from you, and nothing hurt you more.

Bucky left the apartment at the same time as you, not needing to, but not knowing what else to do with his time if he stayed at the apartment. 

He showed up at the auto repair shop two hours early and settled on the bench just outside the front door, attempting to read the newspaper he bought on the way there.

It was going terribly.

He wasn’t able to get past the first paragraph without getting caught up in his thoughts and losing focus. He tried reading about the new player the Dodgers just bought thirty times before he gave up and watched the birds up in the trees.

The bell chimed above the door and an older man in grease covered denim coveralls, wiping his hands with a rag, stood in the doorway looking Bucky up and down.

“You here for the interview?” Bucky stood up quickly, smoothing out his brown suit and taking off his hat, holding it to his stomach.

“Yes, sir.” He raised a brow.

“You’ve been sittin’ out here for nearly an hour. Don’t have anything better to do?”

“My wife told me if I break her radio again, she’ll put me out on the street.” The man chuckled, still wiping grease and grime from his hands. He stuffed the rag into his back pocket and extended his right hand to Bucky.

“I’m Walter, but everyone calls me Walt.”

“James, but friends call me Bucky.”

“Ya got a strong grip. Well, Bucky, come with me, we’ll go to my office.” Bucky grabbed the newspaper and folded it quickly, following Walt through the front door. They took a short walk through the garage and went into Walt’s office that sat in the back corner of the shop, giving him the best view of everything in the garage. Walt motioned for Bucky to sit in one of the worn wooden chairs in his office and shut the door behind them. 

“I didn’t mean to make ya change your schedule for me. I woulda waited until it was time.” Walt chuckled gruffly, waving Bucky off as he sat in his swivel chair, the wood creaking as he settled.

“I felt sorry for ya. Guys were makin’ bets on how long it’d take ya to come inside.” Bucky chuckled, shrugging off his embarrassment.

“Who won?”

“Me. They’re out gettin’ me a Coke as we speak!” Bucky laughed and relaxed in his chair, his nerves not consuming him for the moment. “So, tell me about yourself, Bucky.” Bucky rattled off facts about himself: where he served, what he did overseas, how long he was overseas, and where he got his training when he got back home. Walt raised his hand, cutting Bucky off. Bucky stopped talking and Walt lowered his hand, resting it on the arm of his chair. “You said you had a wife?”

“Yeah. Her name’s Y/N.”

“How long you been married?”

“Got married last May when I got back from vocational school.”

“Any kids?” Bucky shook his head.

“Not yet.”

“Did you meet her when you got home?” An easy grin made its way to Bucky’s face and shook his head.

“No, I’ve known her since we were kids.” Walt’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“She must really like you if she let you make her wait that long.” Bucky chuckled.

“I’ll tell ya Walt, I’ve had pretty stubborn women around me all my life, but she takes the cake.” Walt laughed, the deep sound echoing in the small office. “I lost count how many times I asked her to marry me, and I almost had her convinced, but then the war happened,” he shrugged his hands, “and then there were other things to do. She told me we could get married when I got home. Said it’d give me somethin’ to look forward to.” Bucky huffed, “She still made me wait until after I was done with training.”

“She work?”

“She’s a nurse at Kings County up on Clarkson.” Walt hummed. “You married?”

Walt took a deep breath, holding the edge of his desk as though he was steadying himself. “Lucy and I have been married for about twenty five years. We have ten kids, six sons, four girls.” Bucky couldn’t stop his eyes from going wide.

“Doesn’t sound very quiet at your house.” Walt chuckled and leaned back in his chair, resting his ankle on his knee.

“Some days are better than others… I still wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world, though.” Bucky grinned, heartened by the sentiment. Walt let out a sigh, “Well, Bucky… you’ve got the training I’m lookin’ for, so, tell me, why should I hire you?” Bucky took a deep breath. 

Tell them you’re the best mechanic they’re ever going to find, and not hiring you would be the dumbest thing they could do.

“Truthfully, you’re not gonna find a better mechanic.” Walt raised his brows. “I’m hardworking and someone you can count on to show up and get the job done. I’m the best there is.” Walt blinked. 

“So…” Walt started, “let me get this right…. You’re tellin’ me, that you’re a better mechanic than myself, someone who’s been a mechanic for over twenty years?” White, hot fear started coursing through Bucky’s body.

He swallowed thickly, his stomach dropping, “Uh… yes, sir?”

The men continued to stare at one another, Bucky preparing himself to be thrown out on his face, if he wasn’t pummeled first.

Could Walt see the sweat on his lip?

What were you going to say when he came home with a broken nose and no job?

Would you finally regret marrying him?

You were nervous.

You had expected that Bucky would call the hospital after his interview and tell you how it went, good or bad. You knew what time his interview was, and the more and more time that passed without hearing anything from him was starting to worry you. You finished up your charts for the night nurse and as soon as the last ‘i’ was dotted and ‘t’ crossed, you grabbed your bag and said your goodbyes for the weekend.

You walked down the stairwell and out of the staff exit, coming to a halt as soon as you stepped onto the sidewalk, the door shutting behind you. There was Bucky, still in his brown suit, leaning against the wall with that boyish smile you’d fallen in love with.

“Hi, sweetheart.” He stepped closer, pulling a bouquet of red roses from behind his back. You gasped softly and took the flowers as he handed them to you. “How are you?” He kissed your cheek and you stared at him, trying to decipher his mood.

“Hi, honey,”  he held his arm out for you and your suspicions quieted, a bashful grin forming on your face. You took his arm and you both fell into a leisurely pace as you walked home. “This is a nice surprise.” You smiled at him, adjusting the grip on the bouquet. Bucky, without being asked, reached for the flowers and held them in his left hand, freeing your hand.

“I just missed you,” he turned his head and grinned, “and I realized it’s been a while since I walked you home from work.” Your hold tightened around his arm and you could feel the hearts grow in your eyes.

“It’s not my birthday, is it? Our anniversary maybe?” Bucky smirked at you out of the corner of his eye, knowing what you were hinting at.

“No, ma’am. It’s just an ordinary Friday.” You hummed, forcing your eyes ahead.

“Strange.” He hummed in agreement and you shook your head good naturedly and walked in silence with all of the city noise. You came to a stop after a few minutes, waiting for traffic to pass. You looked at him, “I’m gonna hafta ask, aren’t I?” Bucky looked at you nonchalantly.

“Ask about what?” You gave him an exacerbated look, a laugh escaping his mouth. 

You laughed with him, “Tell me! The suspense has been getting’ to me all day!” Bucky laughed more, the creases by his eyes deepening. 

“We’ll hafta stop at the grocery store before we go home.” He led you across the street, ignoring your expectant glances.

“James Buchanan Barnes, if you don’t tell me—”

“Ask me what we needta get at the store.” He raised his brows at you keenly. You stared back at him, blinking a few times before you sighed and gave in.

“What do we need to buy at the store, honey?”

“Flour. We’re almost out.” Your face twisted, visibly confused by what Bucky was talking about.

“We don’t needta get flour? I’m not makin’ anything.”

“Well, I kinda already told the guys at the shop you make the best chocolate cake, so I really don’t wanna show up empty handed on Monday morning.” You came to a standstill just in front of the grocery store, pulling Bucky to a stop as well. You stared at him with big eyes.

“You got the job?” Your voice was soft, barely audible over the commotion of rush hour. Bucky simply smiled, and you knew. You squealed and threw your arms around his neck, the shock of which made Bucky drop the flowers on the ground so he could catch you. His arms wrapped around your waist, holding you tight, unaffected by the stares of everyone around them.

How could he be bothered with you in his arms?

As soon as you were home from the store, and everything had been put away and the roses put into a vase, you and Bucky sat at the kitchen table and he recounted his day. You listened attentively, a permanent grin fixed on your face. When he was done, you stood leaning over to kiss his lips.

“I’m so happy for you, baby.” Bucky smiled and gingerly pulled your hand until you settled on his lap. You sat contently with your legs crossed, and combed back his hair with your nails adoringly.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” You continued to scratch his scalp tenderly as he rubbed his hand over your lower back. He chuckled to himself, “Ya know, I was half worried you’d leave if I didn’t get the job.” Bucky watched the smile on your face slowly fall, his own grin disappearing at the loss of yours. You stopped pushing your fingers through his hair and sat back so as to see him clearer.

“What?” Bucky started to stammer.

“Well, I-I just mean that, ya know… I’m your husband. I’m supposed to take care of you, a-and I can’t treat ya how I’m supposed to when the jobs I find barely pay enough to put food on the table or a roof over your head.” When Bucky got home from overseas, he was less than willing to take any stipends the government was giving to veterans. Every dime Bucky received went directly into savings, even when everyone tried convincing him he should use it. He wasn’t going to use that money unless he absolutely had to.

I’m not gonna need it, he’d told everyone, I’ll just go back to the factory and pick up my old job.

When he’d gone to the factory, he realized that wasn’t the only guy in Brooklyn looking for work. Steve and the other Commandoes tried helping him, telling Bucky to stay with the S.S.R like them, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t when he finally had you back. He couldn’t risk it, even if the pay would have been able to give you the life you deserved.

After he finished training, he started calling every auto repair shop in the phone book, asking if they needed a new mechanic. After eleven phone calls that ended in rejection, Bucky was defeated. Slowly, when the small jobs he found on construction yards weren’t enough, the savings started to go, and you subtly started working a few more hours every week.

Bucky was beginning to wonder if the crease between your eyes was going to be permanent.

“Honey?” You blinked and took a long, steadying breath.

“Have I ever told you that I don’t feel like you treat me right, or that you don’t take care of me?”

“Well, I—” You gave him a firm look and he stopped himself.

“Yes or no.” Bucky let out a deep sigh.

“No, ma’am.”

You nodded your head. “No, I haven’t, you’re right. Because I have never once thought that about you, Bucky. Not once. And I think you know full well that I would have told if I had.” Bucky stared glumly at the ground, taking the reprimand in silence.

“I just wanna be able to buy you new dresses if you want them, or finally get you a real ring. I’m gonna be able to do that now with what they’ll pay me at the shop.”

“Bucky, I know you think I’m embarrassed to ask my friends for hand-me-downs, or that I’m upset that I never got a flashy engagement ring like my friends or the other nurses… but I’m not. I’ve been wearing hand-me-downs since I was ten years old, Buck. Why on earth would I start getting embarrassed now? And, as far as I’m concerned, the ring on my hand is just right, because you gave it to me, and that’s all I wanted.” You cupped his jaw tenderly, lifting it until he was looking at you. “You will always be what I want, James.” 

You felt Bucky melt in your hand, and he sighed, resting his head on your chest. He breathed you in, and you continued to sit in each other’s quiet embrace, the sounds of your heart beat steady and strong in his ear.

[mementofloreo-archived]

@sorrowmarked​: His first response startles her, she’s about to object when he apologizes for saying it. A frown still tugs at her lips. Not because of his reaction to her confession, but because his first impulse was to assume he wasn’t good enough for her. Her brows pinched together, “Hey, it’s okay,” she said, reaching over to comfort him, her fingers brushing his knuckles. “And that’s not true." Most days she didn’t feel she she was good enough for him, but love wasn’t about worth. Love was about loving. It was a verb. It was an action. It was a choice. She loved him. She chose to. Maybe if she was lucky he would choose to love her back. And she would do her best to respect him, and treat him with kindness, and trust him, and support him, and be his biggest cheerleader. But worth didn’t factor into it. It was all … just action, and choice. What she decided to do, for the person she loved. Now that she had said it, now that she had done it, she didn’t feel so nervous now. There was no worry hanging over her head. There was just this. The after, the what came next. He’d tell her he returned his feelings, or he he would tell her he didn’t. Suddenly all that worry felt so … silly. Of course, they’d still be friends after this. Of course. Because that’s how they worked. They’d always be best friends. But then he was smiling at her and his eyes were watery, and she knew. Knew where this was going. Should have just told him ages ago. I worry too much over nothing. He pulled her in close and her arms wrapped around him, her cheek against his chest. There’s never been anybody but you, she didn’t know if she felt guilty or elated. Both, she guessed. Her hands tightened on the back of his shirt, bunching in the fabric. "I wasn’t as quick on the uptake,” she said, voice soft, and warm, smile bleeding into her words. “I just needed the time to realize that I loved you,” she said. She paused, “That’s not right, I’ve always loved you,” she said, which he should know. “I just needed to realize I was in love with you." Closing her eyes she paused a moment, listening to the way his heart was pounding in his chest. "You’re my best friend Daisuke,” she whispered. “My life has always been better, my days have always been better, because I have you. I remember how lonely it was before I met you,” two little kids, prone to illness, unable to run and play like they wanted to. He’d become her best friend fast. Stayed her best friend. “You’re my best friend, and the guy I love, I think both can be true,” she whispered. Her arms tightened around him. “Both probably should be true, and I am proud that you’re my best friend. I’m proud you’re the guy I love. I sometimes … god I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Because if you could you’d know there was no one better than you. No one else with your heart, and your kindness, and your compassion, and your optimism. You amaze me every single day.”

[I put this under a cut because it's SO FUCKING LONG????? Have fun reading the extended lotr script I guess LMAO??? Daisuke is extremely smooth here tho tbh]

"...In your defense, I probably didn't make it an easy conclusion to reach," Daisuke says on the tail end of a chuckle rumbling through his chest. The sensation brings with it the odd realization that it's actually been quite some time since he really hugged her, and the last time he did his voice was still only just starting to change.

It'll probably still deepen a little more before he finishes growing, but what used to be a cracking, faltering high tenor is now balanced and smooth and almost baritone. Limbs that were wiry and angular are lean and strong and growing stronger by the day. And he was babyfaced even into his third year of middle school, but when he looks in the mirror now his face is stronger, sharper, almost a little rugged- especially since he's started needing to shave every few days.

In fact, until near the end of third grade, Hikari was taller than him.

They're on the edge of their second year of high school now. Then it'll be their third and final year, they'll graduate...he winces internally at the prospect of having to fill out career plan forms, but what really has his focus is just how long it's been and how much has changed.

They've known each other since before they could string together proper sentences. Since a time when Daisuke was even more timid and prone to crying than her.

He hasn't recalled in a very long time that the reason he first started working so hard to be more assertive and outgoing- to be stronger, tougher, braver- was all because he wanted to be someone who could protect and support her. Not because she needed him, but because she was a source of incredible fortitude for him. Someone who shone brighter than the white hot light of a summer sun.

He'd worked hard to be strong and brave all because Hikari had been his hero. On a bigger level than even Taichi ever was. Taichi was and still is a mentor, a role model, a brother to him. But he knows that if not for meeting Hikari, if not for her friendship, he never would have dared to break out of that timid, isolated little shell. Everything that makes him strong ultimately stems from her, even though he's never told her that.

A hazy, old memory comes to him, and he finds himself recounting it to her out loud without really thinking about it. "...You know, the first thing I ever learned to 'cook'- putting it loosely...it was instant ramen. The kind you cook in a pot, yknow? We were probably in first grade, I think?"

He's holding her more loose and relaxed now, chin nestled atop her head. "You'd been in bed with a fever for a couple of days, and I think at first I was just there to drop off some handouts from school that you needed to catch up on. Neither of us had very many other friends yet."

"Taichi was probably out with friends or something, and your mom was leaving on an errand just as I was arriving and let me in...and you were just waking up when I let myself into your room to check on you."

A quiet laugh bubbles out of him, "...I couldn't even get a word out before you mumbled about being hungry 'for the first time in forever'. 'Course, I knew just how hard a fever could hit your appetite and how much of a pain in the neck it was once it finally came back. I think I stood there all of two seconds before I dropped the handouts and my stuff and turned right around to let myself into the kitchen."

"I don't know how I managed to get everything together but I remember dragging a chair from the dining room so I could reach the cabinets and the stove, opening about a million drawers before I found any measuring cups for the water...I at least knew roughly how much heat I needed for boiling water- probably wouldn't have tried to mess with the stove otherwise, I think."

"...Anyway, I think I undercooked it just a little, but your mom commented all dry and deadpan that she was just thankful I didn't start a fire, once she got back. I ladled out bowls for both of us and I couldn't find a tray or anything so my goofy ass just scrambled to your room as fast as I could without spilling and set them on the kotatsu. While making a noise that probably sounded like a teakettle all heated up."

He snorts at that, "That particular strain of brainlessness has always been a hallmark of me, I guess. Still. You looked so relieved, seemed so glad that I'd thought to make something that would be light on the stomach. Most of all, though..."

He pulls away, dropping his hands to his lap. "I'd never seen you anywhere near that happy because of anything I'd done. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd actually done something worthwhile for you, at a time when you were still the only friend I had. I felt so powerful in that moment, more powerful than I ever have since."

Shyly, gingerly, he lifts a hand and brushes some hair out of her face. "I stared up at the clouds all the way home that day and I clung to that feeling for as long as I could, and I knew. I knew then that if it was for you I could become anything in the world, do the most impossible things, carry the heaviest weights. I didn't have the words then, of course. I was six and barely reading. But I felt it. And god, I understood that feeling more intimately than anything else the world had ever taught me."

He knows he's probably pink up to his hairline at this point, but isn't it about time he actually told her how significant she's been? In completely frank and honest terms, without the joking or the melodrama?

"You said that you wish I could see in me what you see in me." His fingers trace down her cheek, "But sometimes I think I do. All I have to do is look at you, and I see myself. Everything I've been, everything I want to be, everything that drives me forward and compels that compassion you're talking about, none of it could ever have sprouted or grown if I hadn't met you."

"I could never have stood and taken my first steps outside of myself if you hadn't been holding my hand." he continues, "And every step forward I've taken since then, I've taken it hoping beyond anything else that I could give you even an ounce of what you've given me."

His hands are shaking when he takes her face more firmly, and his eyes are a little misty again. "I didn't always know I was in love with you, Hikari. But since the moment we met you've been something even stronger than the sun for me. You're the gravity that keeps me grounded so I can run. And what is there to make us fall if not gravity, right?"

It's a horrible, corny line to end on and it has him smiling awkwardly. But even so he leans in, and he presses a firm kiss to the center of her forehead, holding it there for a long moment, only to rest his own against hers when he pulls away. "There's nobody I'd rather have as my core."

[basicgrayson]

A couple of days ago was my 2 months on T! I didn't get around to posting because it literally fell on my husband's birthday and I was super busy (we had a big family BBQ and I did ALL the grilling lol rip legs). Anyway, here's the changes so far!

1. Muscle mass: still slowly getting bulkier, but my weight is fluctuating a lot. I keep gaining and losing the same 4 lbs lol I haven't been working out as much as I'd like to. Not even close. Oddly my muscles, especially in the arms, still feel sore? Weird.

2. Hair: Body hair is increasing very slowly. Anyone who isn't me wouldn't notice a difference. Most of the filling in is occurring on my legs, and the course hairs I already had seem to be longer now. As for my face, I shaved everything off about a month ago, and it seems to have fully grown back. My mustache especially is looking very full, though the hairs are still just peach-fuzz. My chin has a lot more hair now, though I still only have maybe 4-5 thicker ones. Here's a few progress pics:

3. Acne: there's more of it now, but it varies in where it pops up. One week it'll be my face breaking out, next week my back, the following week my chest, etc. Kind of grateful for that tbh... I prefer that to having it all over all at once lol right now I'm using a salicylic acid based face scrub combined with the toner and benzoyl peroxide lotion from a proactive kit. That seems to work better for me than benzoyl peroxide alone. Still not great though tbh 🙃

4. Bottom growth: it is still happening, but not nearly as uncomfortable as it was at first. I'd say it's maybe at least a 30% increase as of now.

5. Chest size: decreasing still, but at a much slower pace than month one. I'm so much more comfortable walking around in just a tank top around other people, and I will sometimes go topless when I'm alone. Most importantly, my chest is still PAIN FREE and it looks like it's going to stay that way!

6. Monthly cycle: is gone! The very last one happened about a week and a half after starting T, and notably, was a week early. Since then it's been nearly 2 months with no sign of it returning. Hopefully it stays that way!

7. Sex drive: there has been an increase lol I wouldn't say it's hyper-active... it's hard to gauge because I think I've always had a high sex drive tbh. However, I feel like huz and I are really just... enjoying ourselves a lot more lol. Like, the vibe is different if that makes sense.

8. Voice: has dropped quite a bit! I do voice recordings on the weekly and monthly marks. The one I did for the two month mark surprised me, and when I went back to listen to the very first recording I did, I was blown away! I can't believe I used to sound like that! The way I sound now just seems so natural to me... I feel like that's the way my brain always thought I sounded... Idk it's hard to explain lol but it seems like my voice and my brain are finally starting to align and I am over the moon about that.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. Still no appetite increase or mood swings. According to my doctor the dose I'm on is considered low (100mg/2 weeks) so I don't know if that's why. Honestly though, I'm fine with the pace of my changes right now.

On another note, I finally got a prescription for my T, so starting in late July I'll be poking myself, so that's fun. The needles they gave me are really long and scary and intramuscular is kinda intimidating lol so I'm probably going to get some smaller ones and do subq, as I think I'd be much more comfortable with that. So we'll see how that goes.

On to month 3!

[darkeyesshine]

At The Studio with (Sik-K) AMBW

𝐂𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐲'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕

Being wrapped up in a fuzzy cover with shaved legs and no pants on is amazing. I grabbed my glass of red wine that was on the nightstand next to me and took a sip of it as I read through some pages of "The Sun is Also a Star." This is how every Friday night would be. At home chilling alone until my boyfriend Kwon Min-sik (also known as Sik-k) would come from the studio and spend the rest of the night with me. He's a Korean rapper and is blowing up by the second. That's why I understand the late nights, the photoshoots, the paparazzi, and the concerts.

But most of all 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠.

I have a love-hate with touring because I hate it when he would go but I also love it because he's doing it for the fans. They are so loving and supportive of him especially with me. Once the news got out that Korean rapper, Sik-k was dating a black girl some people were disgusted and not impressed with us. But his fans would go at it with anyone on social media who would say anything that wasn't right to me. I got to admit, I love it when they do that. But Sik-k one time went on his Instagram live and kissed me on camera just to show the haters that he doesn't care about what they say he will still be with me anyways.

Kwon was always like this with me and that's what I love about him. He is bold, handsome, smart, loving, caring, and did I already say handsome?

Speaking of him, my phone started to vibrate and I saw that it was Sik-k calling me. Why was he calling me in the middle of the night?

"Hello?" I answered the phone.

"Hey, baby. I need your help with something," He says on the other line.

"Why? Is there something wrong?" I put the wine glass down on my nightstand.

"No..well, yeah. It's not something serious but it is important. You know how I am when it comes to my music," He says and I nodded as if he was here in front of me.

"Yeah, so what do you need help with?" I asked.

"With a song, I am working on. I've been trying to find the right words to say but it's coming out the wrong way and you know you're my inspiration now for songwriting. So, I need you to-

"Come over there?" I finished his sentence, already understanding the situation.

"Yeah, that would be so nice. I know you are getting out of your comfort zone and everything." I could hear how sorry he was.

"No, it's fine, baby. I will be there in a sec," I took the covers off of me and threw on some white sweatpants.

"Thank you so much, Cindy. Call me when you get here," He says before hanging up the phone.

I got up from the bed completely and drunk the rest of my wine before getting dressed into a black crop top and Kwon's jean jacket. It looked oversized on me but I still looked cute. I put on white and grey sneakers before going into the bathroom mirror to check my hair. I had knotless medium braids in so I didn't need to do much with them but I did fix my edges a little bit before walking out of the bathroom. I grabbed my phone and keys before heading out of the house.

The studio was literally ten minutes away from our house but the way I drive I will get there in five minutes. I applied lip gloss while I drove on the streets of South Korea and played some of his songs to get me in the mood for studio time. I was a singer myself but didn't start making music until now. And our fans want us to collaborate with each other, which I find cute. Once I pulled up to the studio, I called Sik-k and he picked up immediately.

"Hey, Cindyyyy. Are you here?"

"Yes, bighead. Open the door for me," I heard him chuckle then scrabbling. It sounded he was walking then he hung up.

Once I parked our 2018 Mythos Black Metallic Audi S4 in the parking lot, I came out and walked towards the building. As I kept walking, I saw Sik-k holding the door for me. He was wearing white sweatpants and a black shirt, the same as me. But the only thing he was wearing different from me was his white jacket and he had on a black beanie.

"Hey, boo," I said once I got in the building with him.

"Hey, sweetcakes." He says before kissing me on the lips. I felt his hand go down to my butt and gave it a light squeeze.

"Sik-k, stop!" I hit his chest playfully causing him to laugh. "Not in public." We started to walk down the halls.

"There is no one around," He did a whole 360 on me and I laughed while shaking my head.

𝐇𝐞'𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐟𝐲.

"Not even Jay Park, he's a busy man," I asked curiously as we walked into the neon studio. He sits down on a chair in front of the sound booth.

"Not even him, it's just us." He smiled widely as I sat down on his lap.

"Okay, soooo. What did you need help with?" He wrapped his arms around my midsection as I got comfortable with him.

"Well, the lyrics. I need it to sound romantic because it is a love song and it goes perfectly with the beat."

"You wanna hear it? He asks and I nod before he pressed play on a red button.

The music filled the studio and I nodded my head to the beat. This instrumental had Sik-k written all over it and I loved it. Kwon looked at me the entire time with a smile on his face as I listened to the song and I was mentally smiling.

"I am doing this song with Ph-1 and HAON." He paused the song and I nodded.

"Okay, what do you like to do with me?" I got up from his lap and sat on the other chair next to him.

"Make love?" He smudges. I threw the small pillow behind me that was on the chair to help with back supports at him and he laughed.

"Umm...I like to watch movies with you. I like it when you wear my clothes, like how you are doing now." He smiles at me.

"Yeah, what else?"

"Yeah, I really like the way you dress. Let's start with that." He says before grabbing a pen and writing it down on his cute black notebook that he likes to write his songs in.

"Okay, I will record this." He stands up from the chair. "Then you tell me how it sounds once I am done," He walks into the sound booth and tells me to play the instrumental.

생각만 해보고 있어 beach house La pam-pam-pam, 바다 바람 따닥거려 장작 불에 멍 넌 눈에 넣어도 안 아프니깐 내 눈에 넣어 내 폰 사진첩에 살고 있어 넌 왜 받아야 돼 월세, 쭈욱 살고 있어봐 원한다면 천생 둘이 시작하기 딱인 Feng Shui

Baby 나라를 골라 pick one 2주만 보내고 오자 Week 1, 맛있는 술 마셔 Week 2, new outfit 사러 Nike and all designer My drip wetty, wetty, wetty, wet, wet 내 stance daddy, daddy, daddy bad See me, run it up, see me, f$ck it up 얼른, hurry up, hurry up, yeah

As he went on I sat back into the chair and just enjoy the view of a beautiful man rapping lyrics to a beautiful instrumental, that was probably going to be about me. Even though Sik-k and I have been together for three years, he still gives me goosebumps every time he performs or writes music in front of me. I don't think I will ever get used to it.

"Okay, I am done." I heard him say causing me to pause the instrumental. He walks out of the sound booth and sits next to me again.

"So, how did it sound?" He asks nervously and I smiled at him.

"I don't know. You tell me," I said before I pressed play on the song and his voice came into the speakers. I turned to him and saw that he was bobbing his head which meant that he was enjoying himself. I loved seeing him happy and being able to be comfortable with me.

"Yes!" He gets up from the chair and picks me up surprisingly. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he spun us around in the studio. "Thank you so much, baby."

I kissed him on the lips and he put me down on the black couch that was behind us. We continued to kiss passionately as he hovered over me but someone knocked on the door causing us to look. We saw Jay Park standing by the door, looking at us with a smirk on his face.

"Hey, kids. We just got that couch so don't ruin them, okay?" He says before laughing and we joined him. When our laughter died down, Jay came inside and took a pen.

"We ran out of pens from my side," He says while walking to the door. "Peace out." Jay closes the door behind him and I straighten myself on the couch.

"I thought you told me that he wasn't here," I crossed my arms at Sik-k and he shrugs like the goof that he is.

"My bad." He said before we started to make out on the couch again.

[loridrabbles]

Imprisoned | Dogma x Reader (Part 8)

(Y/n) finishes up her trial. Dogma'a mental state declines due to isolation.

     Dogma lay on his back, staring at the ceiling of the cell. It was empty, except for him, though he swore he heard people calling his name. In reality, the only things he could hear were the whir of the fan behind the bars in the ceiling, the drip from the leaky faucet in the refresher, and his own breathing. 

     (Y/n) was gone and he missed her. He missed her dearly. The time he spent alone was pure agony. He played checkers against himself, flipping the board each turn, thumbed through a couple books. He paced the room, fiddled with his fingers, and did nothing but wait. He didn't know what he was waiting for. Mostly just for the day to pass. 24 hours felt like days. 

     Time was taking a toll on his mind. When he'd close his eyes, he'd see things. He'd be in the barracks, trying to join a conversation, but he couldn't open his mouth. They'd wave their hands in his face, trying to wake him, but he couldn't. He'd be on the battlefield, standing, motionless, unable to breath as his brothers ran past him, screaming for him to move. He couldn't. He missed them. They never treated him well, but he'd take being the picked on out cast any day over complete solitude.

     Sometimes he'd be sitting on the cell bench, with (y/n) by his side, the both of them rambling on in a long, pointless conversation. He'd run his hand through her hair, but he could feel nothing at his fingertips. He missed her. The softness or her skin, the taste of her lips, the warmth of her body against his.

     He was going mad. The room spun and his heart palpitated in his chest. He wanted to scream. He fought it for so long. He fought it for weeks. Finally he gave up. A tear slipped from his eye as he sat on the edge of the bed. They began to pour down his face as he buried his head in his hands, sobbing to himself. He didn't want to be there anymore. He'd never follow through, he wouldn't be able too, but he knew he'd be better off dead. 

     Through his blurry vision, he saw a guard slide new towels and sheets under the door along with his dinner tray. He didn't want it. He trudged to the door, and grabbed the towels and sheets. He pulled the old ones off the bed and threw them by the door to he taken away. Once the bed was made, he grabbed the towels and climbed in the shower, hoping it would help him think more clearly.

     (Y/n)'s trial was up. 3 years and 5 years probation. She was happy to have received a sentence that was so short, but she would be lying if she said she wasn't hoping to hear life. She couldn't imagine leaving Dogma in that horrible place all by himself. She couldn't imagine how terrible the last few weeks had been. It was bad enough with just the two of them.

     As she left the court and entered the jail, the muzzle was places back on her head. As the was lead in chains through the prison, her heart jumped to her throat when the guards took her to the elevator that led to solitary. They would see eachother again.

     Dogma stepped out of the shower. He was mentally exhausted. His movements were slow and by the time he was dressed for bed in a tshirt and loose cotton shorts, the mirror had unfogged from the shower. He heard something. A door slam and some voices. He was hallucinating again. He picked up a little packet that held a razor and shaving cream. Making the shaving cream was hard. It was cheap, but he managed. He had to be extremely careful with the razor. It was made to prevent someone from hurting themselves or someone else. One wrong move and it would snap. It also dulled quickly, but luckily there were 3 in a package. It took him about a half hour, but he finally removed any stubble that had grown in, and shaped his hair how he liked. 

     (Y/n) sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for him. She stared blankly at the floor, thinking about everything that had happened the last few weeks. Kix, the trial, what Dogma might have gone through. She wanted to cry. The door to the refresher swung open. Dogma stepped out, staring at her, blinking a few times as if to make sure he wasn't seeing things again. 

     "(Y/n)." He said, his voice almost a whisper. He couldn't believe his eyes. Slowly, he walked to her as she stood. She looked up at him, tears in her eyes and she stood and rushed to collide with his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, burying his face into her hair, stroking it gently. Minutes passed before either of them spoke.

     "You're back." He whispered. "I was so worried. What happened?"

     "My trial. I got 3 years and 5 years probation."

     "Oh..." He sighed. "Well, I'm happy for you." He looked down at her and noticed she was still crying. He put his hands on her cheek. "What's the matter? Aren't you glad you'll be out of here soon?"

     "I saw Kix." She said. She took a seat on the bed, Dogma next to her. "He treated my wounds. He took the muzzle off to talk to me for a moment even though he wasn't supposed to. I told him what was going on. When he left the room, the guards beat him. I screamed for them to stop, but I-I think they k-killed him." She cried, burying her face in his chest as he tried to think of what to say. "I shouldn't have asked him. I didn't have to tell him."

     "Shhh. It's not your fault." He stroked her hair and squeezed her close to him. "He knew the consequences. Don't think about it. It's over with. There's nothing you can do. Besides, the 501st is going to wonder what happened to him right? They're going to find out."

     "You're right. There's no sense in making myself sick over it." She said, wiping her tears. Dogma used the sleeve of his shirt to help dry them away. "We're stuck here anyway."

     "Did you eat?" He asked.

     "Kinda. I haven't had much of an appetite."

     "Neither have I, since you left. I was starting to go mad from being alone for so long."

     "I can imagine. I was in our old cell so I was able to interact with others, but I dared not speak to anyone. The guards threatened to kill me if I talked to anyone about the trial."

     "Kriff. Well, if your hungry, they dropped off dinner an hour or so ago." He pointed to the tray that was set on the table. She walked to the bench and slouched on it, kicking off the loafers she had on. 

     "What did you do while I was gone?"

     "Paced. Read. Waited." He answered. 

     "Sounds fun." She answered sarcastically. "Up for a game of checkers?" She asked.

     "Yeah. What are the rules this time?" He joked.

     "Nothing. I just missed playing together." She smiled. They played a few rounds rather silently, just enjoying eachother's company. (Y/n) broke the silence with a question.

     "Ok. If you were trapped on a planet with only one person from the 501st, who would it be?"

     "Hmm. Probably Rex." He answered, moving his piece to be kinged. "He was always very kind to me. What about you."

     "Probably the same." She paused. "Wait a minute. You!" She laughed.

     "Well you're pretty much already doing that. If you were going to be trapped on a barren planet for a year, what 3 things would you bring with you?"

     "Hmmm. A copper pot. It can kill the bacteria in water and I can use it to cook. An axe or machete and a tarp. You?"

     "My blaster, a canteen to collect water, and a firestarter."

     "Oh I'd probably have to trade my tarp for a fire starter. I couldn't make a fire by hand for the life of me."

     "That's true. Of course I could probably use my blaster to start a fire. Then I could trade my firestarter for a tarp or bug net."

     "Ooh a bug net is a good idea. Hey if we ever get out of here, let's try to survive in the wilderness together with only 6 items."

     "Sounds like a plan. I think we could do it."

     "If you could only be on one planet for the rest of your life, which would it be?"

     "Hmm. Probably Coruscant. Surprisingly I'm not sick of it. There's so much of it I haven't explored yet. You?"

     "Naboo. There are cities but but there's forests and plains too. I couldn't live in a city forever."

     They talked and talked, catching up on the time together they had lost. They talked until their mouths went dry and stayed up so late their eyes stung with exhaustion. Finally, they caved in and went to bed.

     (Y/n) and Dogma were getting ready for the night when (y/n) felt a heavy trickling down her leg. She looked down to see a small puddle of blood at her feet.

     "No no no no." She gasped.

     "What?" He asked, fluffing his sheets.

     "I got my period." She said, tears stinging her eyes, threatening to spill.

     "Oh dear."

     "Uhg this is so embarrassing." She said, hiding her face in her hands.

     "No it's not. Don't worry about it. Go clean yourself up. I'll take care of the floor. It's alright."

     The next 4 days were going to be difficult, but with a copious amount of cloths in her underwear and Dogma insisting she didn't have to be embarrassed, she'd make it. The clothes she'd use as pads, she kept and would rinse them out every night and swish them in the sink with soap.

     She had gotten used to an empty, cold room during her time away for thr trial. She hated it. She had been away from Dogma long enough and he was so close. Deciding she was done with being alone, she got out of her bed and walked to his. He was already asleep, facing the wall away from her. He had rolled over that way from his back, leaving enough room for her to squeeze in. She climbed under the covers, and wrapped her arm around him. He awoke slightly, finding her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. She buried her face in his back and took a deep sigh. She could still smell the shaving cream.

[helle-bored]

Sometimes I think about how Maeleah had that dark hair and those deepset laughlines at the corners of her eyes even though she was probably about twenty-one, and how she'd turn in her seat and smile at me and startle the fuck out of all my preconceptions. She didn't really talk: she'd just smile through dark lashes, and I thought she was just being friendly but a part of me said but that's not what you want it to be, is it. and when she invited me to her house to watch star trek I thought this is a trap, she lives with her parents and nobody who lives with their parents can be gay, and I was a mess anyway with hair I rarely brushed and maybe not my teeth either and probably still with sleep-crud around my eyes because I never washed my face and how could anybody think I was attractive? But who invites a slightly-older girl over (who you barely know because she barely says anything to you) to watch star trek. And me, always stumbling over myself and what I want and how serious I am about everything, couldn't imagine sitting next to her on a couch watching star trek without knowing why, and what if the answer wasn't what I wanted, and what if it was. Now she's married to a man and I never did go to her house or learn how to say a word to her, so I guess I'll never know.

(I'm still a mess who doesn't brush her hair or wash her face all that much, and you really won't catch me wearing makeup or shaving anything unless there's a wedding. I'm pretty but I still think -- well.)

I think about Michelle, who used to call me just to chat and ask me to get coffee and I'd go because that's what I do when people ask me to do things; and Michelle would say I would date a girl if she was the right one, and I never said what is the right one, because most of the time she was telling me about the boy she was sleeping with, and because what if she'd said girls like you.

I think about Sam -- with those full lips and the red lipstick -- and I never really knew her, because how do you get to know a girl who's gotta be straight when you're going to spend most of that time looking at her mouth anyway?

And I think about Sarah, but... she was my best friend; isn't it normal when someone is your best friend to be horribly jealous when their boyfriend holds their hand and it isn't you?

So no, I'm not straight, and I'm not entirely ace, and I'm not entirely aro either, and wouldn't it be easier if I were? I think about online dating and how it feels like ordering a slab of meat from behind the deli counter and how I can never quite manage to make myself do it; how the idea of trying to make myself feel something for someone causes this rising vortex of panic in my chest, but what if that's the only way left to me, what if there aren't any more Maeleahs or Michelles or Sams in the world, not in any place where I am or will ever be. I think about how I've had crushes on people for half a decade but they're far away and what does that mean anyway. My dad says I don't want to know because I'm a coward but maybe I'm a bit of a coward too, because I don't know how to bridge gaps and I never have.

Thing is -- that's not where I want my story to stop. I don't need to cut it off there for dramatic effect. In the past few years I've realized most of my friends who're still around have seen my worst sides and they love me anyway. They're not superhuman so I guess that means my issues aren't bigger than the capacity of a dozen normal average good people to love. Not even when I'm a prickly mess who really just needs to be handled with care and can't tell you what that care needs to look like.

I'm still a gangly pile of hangups and anxiety, and my parents are still and maybe always going to be a soap opera of heartbreak, but for all my episodes where it's hard to get out of bed I'm still pretty patient and understanding and kind and dryly funny and I cry over stupid stuff and love things for too long but that's okay too. There's a lot of quiet joy I carry tucked inside and with the right people it shines out, and as long as I keep that light I really don't have anything to worry about.