#anyway this was a weird rant sorry!!! i just regret being pressured into going to college when everyone already knew i was bad at school

[weaseltotheface]

ugh i have to start paying my student loans again in September

[r6sedust]

Review of Beaks in the Shell

!!THIS REVIEW IS NOT SPOILER FREE, I REPEAT, IT'S NOT SPOILER FREE!!

Whoa, first episode of the final batch just dropped tonight. I've been anticipating this day the moment the title dropped and was so excited for it.

Overall, was it as hype as I thought? Yes...

sort of

Ok let's breakdown the episode:

Did this episode benefit Huey's arc?

To be honest, not really, but he was still good in this episode.

I like how he wasn't "super"easily persuaded into keeping Fenton and Gandra's secret. It had to take some good convincing to get Huey to trust them, and with the help of Fenton as well.

And don't be fouled by that, he was still easily persuaded. But, prior episodes such as "Astro BOYD" show that if science is involved it doesn't take much to persuade Huey, so I won't really complain about that.

Fenton apologizing to Huey for making him keep secrets was sweet too, he put a lot of pressure on him knowing that Huey not the type of person to be doing stuff like that. (Seriously Fenton, why would you put all of that on a kid? More on that later)

Next part: Gandra's Arc

To be honest, I thought it was rushed.

BUT, I did some more thinking and came to conclusion that it wasn't really rushed.

Throwback to Dangerous Chemistry, Gandra told Fenton about how she was judged by others for her dangerous methods. How no one wanted to listen to her. Why she turned to Beaks for funding.

BiTS gave the "why"

Why did no one want to listen to her? Because people didn't understand her

Why does she turn to villains for funding? Because they don't care about the destruction she's caused and saw it as a way to cause more destruction.

Gandra was already shown as a person who doesn't want to hurt people. People who don't deserve it at least. (key word being want)

And her fear of being judged was probably the best part for her in the episode in my opinion. Her whole arc is based around her being judged for what she does, and the fact that she wanted to keep the Gizmocloud to herself and Fenton cause of her fear was a good aspect. Props to that.

Moving on, almost everyone predicted the whole "Gandra is using FOWL for resources" motive, making my theory WAY off.

Well, not really.

Swanstantine did sory of kick off that Gandra wasn't really there for the intent of evil, but didn't say why she was there then.

Some people might say "we should've seen more of Gandra on the fence of doing evil", and to be honest, nah.

We've already got that. My analysis of Swanstantine in my "Gandra's redemption arc already started" (not linking cause that'll hide it from tags) basically goes in depth on that.

Now her turn around wasn't as strong as Lena's or Penny's, but it was still handled well.

But her punishment for her turn around, that'll later in the review

Now: Fenton and Gandra's relationship

Let me give some info real quick before diving in.

The entire time, I predicted that Fenton knew she was an agent the whole time and didn't care. And guess what...

I was right!!

It honestly feels so good to be right about something oh boy! Y'all don't understand how STRONGLY I was holding onto that theory.

Anyway back to the review:

Honestly, there was relationship was great. It makes sense that they got together after the end of Dangerous Chemistry.

Was there angst? No, and I kind of expected that since he knew the whole time. He was probably the first to know now that I think.

(Biased Fendra shipper warning!!)

Fenton supporting Gandra by just taking her hand and stuff was just, oh my god that was great.

The kissing looked alright actually. Weird, but alright. I was wondering how it would look since they have two different beaks.

I liked how Fenton was understanding with Gandra and her struggles and wasn't so quick to judge like everyone else. Granted, no one knew the truth about Gandra, but those parts were still good anyway.

It felt natural how supportive they were of each other.

When Fenton said he loved her, that threw me off a bit. I went "Woah, OK now! I wasn't expecting an I love you" but to be fair, we don't know how long they've been together so it might've been the right time.

The only parts I didn't like about their relationship in the episode was the kissing (meh)

Also side note, did Gandra ever apologize for working for Beaks? Was her giving Fenton the formula her way of apologizing? Who knows man.

(Rant real quick: I will not be OK with anyone saying Fendra is rushed. I'm sorry, but if Donsy can get away with becoming canon after an episode of meeting each other, then so can Fendra)

...Beaks

Getting this out of the way, weakest part of the episode.

Ok sure, having Beaks come to terms with him being an unoriginal dickhead was good, but him being an antagonist wasn't.

I didn't care for Beaks at all during the episode, I wasn't interested in what he'd do to them at all, I was thinking "Are those glitches going to be a huge problem for them?"

Which they weren't

And that is the only part of the episode that disappointed me.

The glitches being the "antagonist" of the episode is WAY more interesting than Beaks and I wholeheartedly mean it.

Well fine, here's what I think would've been a good antagonist part for the episode... including Beaks.

"The glitches get worse as the episode progresses, and Beaks gets there and starts messing with things, which make the glitches even more worse. His actions almost crash the cloud until Fenton calls everyone to help."

That would've been cool and actually kind of scary.

We unfortunately didn't get that however. But oh well, I won't let it ruin my day.

The ending

The ending actually bumped this episode from "pretty good" to "great".

The "turn around character", such as Lena and Penny, always get a punishment for wanting to, well, turn around.

Gandra's was actually scary.

She was restrained and dragged to "The Lost Library" that she doesn't know about and Bradford is being incredibly secretive and sinister about it.

Speaking of Bradford,

YES! I LOVE WHEN THEY SHOW HIM AS AN ACTUALLY SCARY VILLAIN!! THEY NEED TO DO THAT MORE!!

Overall, best part of the episode and my favorite part, can't want to see what the Lost Library is.

The Leftovers

1. Back to Fenton putting pressure on Huey, I appreciate him regretting it and not liking how he made him keep the secret. Also, did it occur to anyone else that Fenton did a worse job at keeping the secrets than Huey? Cause I did.

2. Officer Cabrera and Gyro were good this episode too, not much to say about them really, they were fine.

3. Kind of wished Gyro pointed out how Gandra was the girl who shocked her that night. That was brushed over.

4. The action was good this episode, despite it being shown off to defeat a guy crying about how he's not unique.

5. I find it funny how Beaks lost popularity as the series went on, that's hilarious. You deserve it you bastard.

6. Gandra's small backstory scared me cause in the world of shows "backstory = death", but I think what happened to her is a substitution for death.

Summary on Opinion

Overall, I liked this episode. The only problems were the antagonist portion, but it was quickly made up for with the ending.

Also, I'm not the review type so I notice that I say stuff like "that's fine" and "oh well". I'm not the most critical of people, I point out stuff in a show that sticks out a lot to me, whether it be good or bad. So critiscm is appreciated!

[gilded-green]

In celebration of the 10th anniversary, I’ll probably reread GG and send updates/highlight areas and as for commentary. Probably XD

But first. What aspect of Gilded Green was your favorite? What was something you put in a lot of world building for but never got to show either in fic or on tumblr. Who is your favorite character and why, what makes them special in your eyes? Which character has turned into a completely different one as soon as you started writing them? Which part of the fic did you like most when you finished it, do you still like it? Similarly, which part do you dislike most?

Lasty, anything about gg2’s story you want to share/talk about/rant?

-love, the dai li fangirl

Haha, no pressure! But at the same time yes if you do feel free to send me passages for commentary here! <3

What aspect was my favorite? Hmmm. *thinking face* I think, when I first came up with it, I was just thrilled to have these two small things - minor character Lu Ten, overlooked villain organization Dai Li - that I was able to combine into something so big. That was pretty nifty!

As I started developing the story, I think what really caught my attention was the fact that “Wow, all these characters are awful people!” Like. The Dai Li aren’t good.The Fire Nation aren’t good. Lu Ten is a victim but also an oppressor. All off these people have extremely different beliefs and worldviews - Fire supremacist, police state enforcers, classist academic gatekeepers - and all of them think THEY’RE in the right here and none of them are. I think Tien and Hoang might be the only people with a decent, non-oppressive worldview in the story so far. XD I was growing out of the storytelling trope of black-and-white morality at the time, so it was really fun to start experimenting with writing awful people as enjoyable, sympathetic characters.

World building? Hmm. I was just learning how to use my worldbuilding muscles back then. I seem to remember reading up a lot on how brainwashing actually works in the real world and going “I don’t think this is compatible with what we have in ATLA” and just kinda tossing that whole thing out. XD I also recall looking up a lot of stuff for the bits about Jouin, some of which - kalua pig! - has since shown up again in WFFD. I also recall someone on FFdotnet at the time saying “All this chapter did was tell us more about a dead character than the living one” and I was just kinda like -_- yes because he is DEAD and this is your chance to feel sorry about that, we’ll get plenty more of the living one later on account of him still being, y’know, alive. XD

Oh, and Shirong’s personal side projects. I finally got into that a bit in A Meeting of Minds, but the dude DOES have his own stuff going on, which Delun so rudely interrupted to drag him off to see Long Feng about brainwashing a Firebender.

I also did a bunch of research for the birthday party interlude, I think. Mostly appropriate alcohol for such an occasion? And....okay, this’ll sound funny, but.....food containers. I wanted Fen to pack up leftovers for Suyin and Shirong. That’s what my Italian family does after get-togethers, and I assumed that a Chinese family/friend group would do the same! But I also had, like, zero exposure to everyday Chinese life, let alone everyday Chinese life in the 1800s, and I just didn’t have the...idk, cultural osmosis? to figure it out. Like, if you asked me how Victorians would transfer food I’d probably come up with “Idk, wrap it in cloth and stuff it in a basket?” and I assumed people living in modern China would also be able to explain what their people did for food storage/transport 150 years ago but I didn’t have that cultural background, now, did I??? Also this was 10-12 years ago I was looking this up, mind you, the internet was still very different, there was plenty of information on Chinese historical events but not on everyday life objects, CDramas weren’t easy to find if they were translated at all and I certainly didn’t know they existed, and no one was posting beautiful aesthetic videos of life in a rural Chinese mountain village to youtube yet. Eventually I learned that bamboo baskets were a thing, but there wasn’t much info on THOSE either and I wasn’t sure how to describe them, so I just tentatively typed “basket” and called it a day. XD

YOU CANNOT ASK ME TO CHOOSE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER THAT’S LIKE ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN!!! *shoves Yong off a cliff*

I’m very fond of the Dai family, along with the Trungs and Sais. I’m very proud of how Tuan turned out. I adore Yuan, who you’ve barely met, and Xun, who you haven’t. Huang and Wu Sheng are also definite faves and I can’t wait for y’all to get to know them better.

Characters do usually behave for me in terms of personality development. They surprise me, but they never really turn out to be the complete OPPOSITE of what I was expecting? They just kinda develop organically. Huang and Wu Sheng surprised me, tho, those boys got deep. I knew they had the potential, but developing their backstory actually caused Stingrae and I to develop Ba Sing Se’s socio-political backstory and Long Feng’s rise to power, all because of an inkling I had. That was a very satisfying few years of worldbuilding and story development.

Um, favorite part of the fic....idk, I’m very fond of the final scene, with Azula and her wall chunk from Lu Ten. I’m doubly fond of it because of how it always resonates with readers. Heck, during Azula week last year, I used that chunk of rock as an ongoing theme in Sandstone, and someone commented like “I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WROTE GILDED GREEN” and that made me really happy!

Lu Ten’s time stuck underground - I used the seven stages of grief to get through that one and it was very helpful in structuring that part of the story, and I figured it was deep or something because PSYCHOLOGY.

I’m also proud of myself for getting through the dark brainwashing scenes. So, like, FYI, fanfiction could get...very dark, back in the 00s. People love to play purity police these days and complain about how nasty people get can, but listen. Listen. Do you have any idea how dark FFdotnet got back in the day? Legolas And Aragorn Get Captured By Orcs And Brutally Tortured was an entire genre. I feel like torture fic was actually a lot more common back then, and darkfic in general - I’m sure someone could write a whole thesis on why it’s not so prevalent anymore, I’m gonna guess the fact that fandom is less-insulated and more public now could be part of it, maybe also the fact that the internet is more social media/influencer culture based so people care about their image, and also the purity police which is its own kettle of worms, but I also think that the Bush Administration had something to do with it? You have all these kids who were pre-teens when 9/11 happened, growing up during the Iraq War with an awful presidential administration while everyone was scared and conservative Christianity started to realize that their control over the nation’s “morality” might be slipping and reacted accordingly......yeah there was a lot of darkfic back then.

And I read a lot of darkfic too, but, uh....well, statistically speaking, a lot of writing is bad, okay? A lot of those fics were just weird; you could see where the writer had this idea, and also where they failed to execute it in a way that resonated or made sense. And whatever, writers were young and just wanted to pound out some catharsis, it’s cool, but it still just felt narratively awkward when you could tell how the writer was more focused on LET’S MAKE THIS AS DARK AS POSSIBLE instead of “Let’s tell this as well as possible.”

So the first several attempts at writing the brainwashing scenes, I was nervous because I didn’t want to get TOO dark, and when I finally decided “eff it” and said to Stingrae “I think I need to let this be as dark as it needs to be” I was still nervous because I didn’t want it to end up WEIRD. Idk if that makes sense, but anyway I seem to have done a decent job at it!

As for parts I dislike the most, uhhhhh Iroh’s retreat (I didn’t care, I just wanted to get it over with), Enlai might’ve been promoted too fast? idk, the fact that I came up with Nanyue AFTER I finished publishing GG so I couldn’t work that into the Quy bits, the fact that I was young and innocent and didn’t understand sexual slang or innuendo and randomly chose Dong as the name of the court physician which could lead to some awful puns except no one ever seemed to pick up on that and maybe I’ll regret pointing it out but the man IS going to appear again so I might as well get the first shot in myself. XD

I might have GG2 stuff to talk about but not sure, if I do I’ll make another post on that!

<3

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “ What Death Tastes Like” Part 5

Scarecrow’s daughter might be only 22, yet the terminal lung cancer she was diagnosed with six months ago didn’t discriminate against her age; the young woman didn’t show worrisome symptoms until it was too late. Y/N always had a fascination for the much older King of Gotham and despite the consequences, maybe it’s finally time to do something about it.

Part 1    Part 2   Part 3     Part 4

The Joker feels his face covered in soft kisses and although generally speaking he loves being pampered, this particular instance awakens his self-defense mechanism.

“What time is it?” J mutters.

“Let me see,” you stretch for your phone. “12:03 am.”

“I should go,” he lifts his head up from the pillow and you pull him back in your arms, yawning.

“Stay for a little bit longer, ok?”

“Why?”

“I wish to hold on to my birthday present for a few more minutes,” Y/N pleads with the man she senses doesn’t want to be there anymore. “Don’t worry, I’m aware it was a casual affair,” your sad smile prompts a completely out of context answer:

“If you noticed I fell asleep, you should have woken me up!” The King of Gotham complains.

“I fell asleep also,” you snuggle to him and since J is suddenly quiet you whisper. “It was amazing.”

He keeps staring which makes you wonder what the hell is going on in his mind right now.

“At least for me,” you underline after you grasp he won’t comment on the subject; you didn’t have a clue he’ll convert the night you spent together into awkwardness for no reason. “Get out of my tent!” you snap at his behavior, irritated. “Get out!” you shove him and The Clown Prince of Crime doesn’t budge.

“Why are you mad?” he finally addresses the annoyed Y/N.

“Because you’re a jerk!”

“Come again?!” The Joker frowns and Scarecrow’s daughter has a clever response; she doesn’t share his genes for nothing.

“I would but I guess you’re not a big fan of us having sex a second time!!!”

“Wow!” J bitterly scoffs. “You sure can twist a guy’s words, huh? If you really must pry into my personal life, I’ll have you know that I’m not used with small talk afterwards, understand?”

While you wonder if he’s bluffing, you can’t help offer the benefit of doubt served with a side of insolence.

“Well, maybe if you would give it a try with someone that actually cares, you’d have stuff to discuss.”

“Miss Crane, what makes you think Mara doesn’t like me?”

The Joker expects a feisty reply to his audacious remark yet he receives a piece of sturdy logic instead:

“If she was crazy in love, she wouldn’t agree and with this on and off relationship you two have.”

J is obviously displeased at your statement thus Y/N has to unleash her creativity in order to push him comprehend what she’s aiming at.

“The problem is you don’t approach anything important, you only shut down everyone. Even Emma believes she’s not yours.”

The King of Gotham was preparing to lash out but your latest sentence totally catches him off guard.

“What do you mean?!”

“You never talk about her mother granted she keeps asking so Emma presumes you probably stole her from an individual you consider your enemy and raised her as revenge.”

“Huh?!” The Joker gets on his elbow, appalled. “She is my daughter!”

“I say that to her when she panics, unfortunately random people do look similar…,” you twirl a strand of his green hair around your fingers. “Steering clear from issues we’re uncomfortable with doesn’t necessarily result in a positive outcome,” Y/N concludes and her partner is not excited at all.

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?!”

“I’m a Crane,” you peck his lips. “It’s in our blood.”

A lot of thoughts rushing behind those blue eyes and you’re confident his patience is running low; add a short fuse to the combo and according to your flawless instinct J will bite soon.

“Take me for example,” you attempt to cram in the main point of your dialogue before it happens. “I don’t care you’re older, I fancy your company nevertheless: you’re super handsome plus emotionally unattractive…”

“I’m what?!” The Joker interrupts.

“Umm… emotionally unattractive?” you hesitantly repeat while watching him jump off the pillows and start to collect his clothes in the semi darkness.

“Serves me right for sleeping with somebody half my age!” he growls at the young woman realizing she upset him with her rant.

“So you’re 46?” you struggle to joke at his affirmation.

“Listen here, Miss Crane!” J dresses in a hurry, angry at your stunt. “If you imagine you figured me out, you didn’t!! Nobody fucks with me!” he violently kicks the mattress and you can’t avoid it:

“I think I just did. Literally.”

The hate in his demeanor makes you regret opening up; your goal was to imply you like him no matter what yet the aftermath is way off what you intended.

“I apologize, OK?” you sigh and reach your hand for his.

“I hope you perish!” he strikes your fingers with such brutality it stings. “You’re dying anyway but hopefully the Cromyxillium kills you faster!” The Joker unzips the tent and leaves a shocked Y/N breathless at his hurtful tirade.

“That’s all you got? Stupid old man…” you whimper and cuddle under the thin blanket with his cushion.

Grief is not the correct term to describe what you experience for the moment: a perfect birthday turned into exactly the opposite in a blink of an eye simply because The Joker proved once more he has no concept on how to handle dynamite; fire suits him better.

***************

Next morning, 10:14am

“Are you hot or cold?” your father inquires since your intravenous therapy commenced 10 minutes ago.

“No,” you gaze at the IV bag and Jonathan lingers by your bed, reminding his offspring about their plan.

“We’ll do 3 hours on, 3 hours off; I’ll monitor your vitals and if you feel strange alert me immediately, deal?”

You nod a yes and his perseverance in aiding you with your terminal cancer evokes a sincere confession:

“Daddy…Thank you for trying to save me…I’m sorry I’m a burden…”

“A burden?!” Scarecrow mumbles.

There are a million facts you should evoke, yet the predominant one keeps hunting you.

“You buried yourself in the lab because of me…and Evelyn left…”

“Evelyn and I broke up for various motives,” your parent grumbles. “Saying I immersed myself into working because of you hints that I was forced into it against my will which is not true. I did everything out of love… I can’t bear the idea of losing you,” he kisses your temple; you wrap your free arm around his neck, squeezing him tight.

“You’re the best dad; I’m lucky you’re my father. If I die… you think mom is waiting for me?...”

Jonathan Crane has the weird sensation he’s choking; his wife died after you were born due to leukemia, now their daughter is fighting for survival: she’s plainly the last fortress separating him from utter madness.

“I couldn’t save your mother, but I’ll be damned if I let you die kid,” he caresses your cheek. “She can wait; I bet she’s not eager to take you with her,” Scarecrow reassures his daughter. “Rest honey.”

“I will…” you consent and Emma barging in the bedroom with her duffle bag switches your attention.

“I’m here, I’m here!” she exclaims. “Traffic was horrible, bad accident on the freeway!”

**************

11 am

“Are you comfortable?” Emma checks with her friend, not entirely certain how to bring up a very delicate topic clouding her usually bubbly disposition.

“Of course,” you smile and she wiggles in her recliner. “Are you?” you wink at her visible restlessness as you attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

“Y/N…,” she taps the fluffy carpet with her feet. “Mmmm… last night after we returned from the river I dropped by to see how you’re doing and… I came to your tent…,” Emma pauses seeing the stupefied expression on your face. “I…I found my father sleeping in there with you…”

You lick your lips and strain to keep your calm even if your heart is pounding out of your chest.

“Did my dad take advantage of you?” she lowers her voice and you can tell she’s torn apart by the horrible notion.

“He didn’t,” you shake your head.

“Dumb girl…” Emma admonishes without any trace of resentment; what else can she articulate in these circumstances regardless?  

“I can’t believe I’m inquiring… Did you use protection?”

“No…It just happened…”

“Oh my God!” the concerned judgement pressures you to continue:

“It didn’t end well so it’s fair to assume we’re not in any danger of me becoming your stepmom,” your tone diminishes and she leans over to scold when The Joker passes by the opened door without bothering to peek inside your bedroom; you didn’t spot him but Emma did.

“I’ll be back!” she hisses and you’re confused at her desire to leave you.

“Hey, where are you going?”

She ignores your question and races after The King of Gotham, catching up with him at the end of the long corridor.

“Dad!” Emma shouts and he turns around.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?!” she interrogates the clueless Joker.

“I’m meeting Crane. Is he downstairs?”

“In his lab compounding the next batch of Cromyxillium for Y/N,” she fumes at J’s impertinence. “Didn’t you forget something?”

He seems puzzled and Emma is not tricked by his deceiving performance.

“My best friend is in her quarters, uncertain if she’ll survive the cancer treatment. Are you pretending she doesn’t exist?”

“Meaning?” The Joker sneers.

“I know you slept with her!” the accusation follows instantly. “Don’t deny it! How could you take advantage of her?!”

The Clown Prince of Crime straightens his shoulders, aware he can’t negotiate his innocence out of this complicated riddle.

“I did not take advantage of her! How dare you accuse me of such low move?”

“You didn’t?” Emma closes the gap between them. “You know she has a crush on you and she’s vulnerable; what type of man would prey on that?!”

J is not thrilled with the innuendos and cuts her off:

“She basically begged for some and I obliged out of pity!”

Emma slaps him and The Joker gasps, enraged she had the audacity:

“Do that again and I’ll neglect you’re my daughter!” he growls and the serious threat doesn’t faze her.

“Hurt her more and I’ll forget you’re my father! If you are indeed my father,” she emphasizes while stomping away towards the kitchen.

“I am your father!” J simmers at her impeccable strategy: Emma is retreating to a different corner of the house giving him the opportunity to choose.

Who the heck knows if she’s actually his?

One thing is undeniable though: they share the same despicable temper.

****************

You discern The Joker in the doorway and your body stiffens; you stare at the TV screen wishing he’ll disappear.

“Where’s Crane?” J analyzes Y/N’s IV pole.

You don’t engage so his crankiness emerges.

“I suppose you didn’t flatlined yet!”

“Nope,” you grunt at the provocative declaration that served its goal: you did reply to The Clown’s rubbish.

“Where’s Crane?”

“I heard you the first time and I’m not sure why you focus your energy on a useless interrogation. You know where my father is!”

“Where?” The Joker’s vile attitude can’t compromise for less than instigating his fling.

“Please take your stuff that’s firm now but will get saggy in maximum 20 years and vanish!” the poisonous remark makes him groan.

“What stuff?!”

You check him out glaring at his mid-section before dismissing his presence.

“That’s the rudest fucking criticism ever!” The Joker barks and Y/N crabbily indicates:

“It’s not criticism, it’s reality! Gravity’s a bitch! Mara won’t mind, won’t she? After all, you two share a very special bond: on today, off tomorrow, hookup next week, take a break next month. Such dreamy relationship!”

“Do you have more derogatory references to my private life?!” J grinds his teeth ready to unleash several atrocities your way.

“No, too busy dying…” you show him the needle in your arm. “I don’t feel the pain from the medication burning my veins; I’m used with my sickness, with the ups and downs. What I do feel is the pain of being taken for granted.”

The Joker is not a fan of the insinuated context.  

“You said no strings attached!” he stresses the lack of commitment consented the previous evening.

“You’re the one that came to me; I thought it meant you were accepting to be the center of my universe.”

J ogles the ceiling of Y/N’s bedroom and assembles a couple of harsh disclosures in his brain when her entitled smirk halts the project.

“You’re buying it, aren’t you?” you chuckle at his astonishment. “I’m just messing with you Mister Joker; who in their right mind would make you the center of their universe?! You have 10 seconds to leave, otherwise I’ll scream and security will come!” you shelter your head with the quilt so you don’t have to see his mug anymore.

No outpour of vexation from his part which is cool: means he bailed.

The blanket is slowly pulled until your eyes emerge; J hovers your face, pissed at the unwelcomed clash.

“I’m checking if you kicked the bucket; corpses are usually covered thus my dilemma.”

“Go away!” you advise. “Or I’ll scream!”

You inhale preparing to yell: The Joker didn’t predict you’d defy him and he swiftly kisses you in order to stop the sounds.

The door is cracked and Emma witnesses the scene, reckoning bizarre elements:

Her father holds grudges and was mad at Y/N earlier due to whatever happened yesterday; nevertheless he still kissed her.

On the other hand, you were definitely miserable after your escapade, yet you didn’t reject him.

Emma may not be informed about the entire story, but one detail is crystal clear: the future is far from being simple.

 Also read: MASTERLIST

[kiwispideys]

Puddles (Peter Parker X Reader)

 A/N: Hi all! I hope you all are having a great day! Sorry I haven’t written in so long, as I get older I have more school-work, exams and other priorities over writing. I’ve had all my main exams this month and my holidays are coming soon so I’ll hopefully have more time and inspo to write.

note: REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

I DON’T DO SMUT!!! IF YOU’RE NOT SURE OF A CELEB / FANDOM JUST ASK ;)

Summary: In an alternate universe, maybe it was supposed to work...

Peter was late. He was always late, but this time he had an exam that started 15minutes ago. He could already tell it was going to be a bad day today. He'd already stopped 5 guys on his morning patrol, he'd forgotten his lunch, it was pouring with rain in Queens. And even worse, it was the anniversary of your death.

He'd almost made it to school when he tripped just before a puddle and fell in it. Only, he didn't hit the ground... He fell straight through it.

He heard a faint, "Catch him!" before he passed out again.

Peter awoke to a soft surface underneath him and a lot of loud talking around him. Although he figured his spidey-sense made it louder than it really was. It also told him no danger was around but he figured he'd stay still until he knew whether it was completely safe to get up. There were a lot of people in the room, and they were arguing over something.

"He's supposed to be dead here. What are we going to do about it and get him back to his reality." A deep yet familiar voice spoke.

My reality? Peter thought.

"Should we let dumbass over here figure that one out? She was the one who got him here." Another male voice scoffed, it was Sam. Although everything in the room was too loud for him to concentrate.

"It wasn’t even my idea in the first place, it was yours, Sam. I know it’s been a year but none of us know my capabilities since last time.” A female voice spoke. Hearing it in normal conversation for the first time in what felt like forever was amazing, but was he dead? Maybe he'd been really badly drugged up and this was all in his head. After all, you were dead. 

"Guys, he’s stable again." Peter recognised this voice as well now, it was Dr Banner. He took this as his cue to sit up and slowly opened his eyes. As his eyes got used to the bright lights, he could see you clear as day. 

You seemed to acknowledge this as you said, “I’m leaving now.” as you turned to leave.

Sam grabbed your arm. “No, you’re not.”

You scowled at him and went to say something but Sam interrupted you.

“He’ll listen to you.” He said. “You know that.”

“He’s right Y/N, I know it’s hard for you to see him again but it’s hard for him too. Remember you’re both dead and without powers in each other's universes.” Bruce explained.

“So there is a multiverse?” Peter asked sitting up.

You looked at him in a way he’d seen many times before. All you wanted to do was break down, and all he wanted to do was give you a big hug and let you cry on his shoulder. But instead, you sighed and nodded. “Yeah Peter, there is a multi-verse.”

So after a long conversation between you and Peter, he understood the multiverse a bit more... although you didn’t seem to know that much about it either. That led onto the conversation about each other's powers. Your reaction was quite similar to Aunt May’s and asked a lot of questions like Ned had but quickly understood, which meant you were quite close with his replica. Whereas for him it was harder to understand considering you didn’t know what your official powers were. So instead you just listed what you could do, most of them had something to do with manipulating water but you didn’t know what the effects some of your current actions had. For example the “puddle portals”, as you called them. He suggested falling through one of your puddle portals again but you had no guarantee of what universe he’d go to, so Peter was stuck.

So in order for Peter to take that in, you left him alone... for days. Until one late Friday evening, Peter was laying on his bed of the Avenger’s facility and you silently came in and sat on his bed with your back facing him.

“Are you alright?” Peter asked.

“Can I lay with you?” You said. “Like, only if it’s okay with you... I mean I wouldn’t just have a random idea to just come to cuddle you cause I’m feeling sad cause I miss you even though you’re right here but you’re not right here. But now I kinda regret it cause you probably didn’t even know me in your universe.” You rambled at speeds people who weren’t used to it probably couldn’t understand. But Peter understood every word.

“Y/N.” He spoke clearly, causing you to stop. “It’s okay. I was missing you too.” You gave him a small and shy smile and lay down next to him. He lay his arm around your shoulder as you cuddled into his side and the room went silent again. It wasn’t an awkward silence though, it was a nice silence. It felt normal. The whole situation felt normal.

Although after a while, you broke the silence once more.

“Did you love me? Like your me?” You said quickly.

Peter paused for a moment. Did he love you?

“I think so... I felt like I could be normal around you no matter what. No matter what weird subject it was about whether it be school, Star Wars, Spider-Man stuff,  I always trusted you and felt safe around you. Although you reacted a bit more violently when you found out I was Spider-Man.” He chuckled a little as he recalled the memory. “You screamed and yelled. You even threw some science books at me and hit me a few times. But you soon realised that I was hurt and immediately helped me and apologised afterwards. But I knew the reaction was only because you cared about me and didn’t want me to get hurt.” Peter sighed. “I always wanted you to be happy, even if I wasn’t the cause of it. We were rocky at times, especially cause of the whole Spider-man thing and I also wanted to keep you safe as being with you only put you in danger. But then we broke up and then you did get in danger and...” Peter didn’t finish his sentence as he recalled your death.

“I’m sorry.” You mumbled, starting to draw small shapes onto his ribs. Something his version of you would do.

“It’s okay, I’ve learned to deal with it better now and I just have to keep reminding myself it wasn’t my fault... even if it does feel like it sometimes.”

“I wish I could do that. But it was literally my fault you died.” You paused for a moment contemplating whether to continue on with the story but did so anyway. “It was a Sunday morning... We were here, at the Avengers facility and  I was overwhelmed from school and the pressure to like be a hero for everyone. I was ranting to you and my powers were slowly building up and you tried to warn me about it as you knew I don’t have very much control over them. Eventually, you yelled at me to get my attention and I snapped.” You paused for a moment as you tried to regain your emotions and wiped the tears from your face. “I never meant to do it. But I blasted you with a whole bunch of water as I turned to face you and it threw you back towards the wall. Due to the heaviness of the blast and the fact that you happened to hit your head on the right angle they had to put you into a coma due to head trauma. You never really recovered despite everything we tried, so May made the decision to pull you off life support and... yeah.”

Peter was silent. He didn’t know what to say, but he just held you and rubbed his hand up and down your arm trying to reassure you.

“Hey, you're going to be crying puddles in a minute if you keep crying.” He joked, causing you to laugh through your sniffles and wipe the tears away once more.

“I made Bruce design this bracelet for me that would make my powers non-existent unless I take it off.” You say showing him. “But obviously it’s not working.”

Peter chuckled a little, causing you to do the same. 

“I think that your Peter would know that you did it on accident, and you did the right thing anyway, taking me off the life support. It probably caused me less pain than being on it anyways.” Peter spoke, trying to reassure you as much as possible.

“Can I hug you? Like I know we’re kinda cuddling right now but you would always hug me when I was upset.” You said, sitting up.

“Yeah sure,” Peter replied, slowly getting up from the bed with you shortly following.

So for the next couple of minutes, the two of you stood in Peter’s room just enjoying each other's presence as you hugged one-another. But after a while, Peter could feel his shirt start to get wet. You were crying into his shoulder.

“You alright?” He asked. You wiggled out of his embrace and gently placed your hands on his chest. You sighed, whatever you were about to say was hard, he could tell.

“Goodbye Pete.” You said, before forcefully pushing Peter away from you. Causing him to fall back into a puddle portal before passing out once more.

[vanaera]

Unread Messages

15. Things you said with too many miles between us (online friend!namjoon + idol!you)

Summary | In which Namjoon has beaten stress, pressure, and also time differences with you by his side but he has yet to beat to know that whom he's talking to through the screen of his phone is the same person he fawns on TV screens along with millions of other people.

Genre | Fluff + Super slight angst

Wordcount | 3, 193

Sequel : Missed Calls

     Light suddenly illuminates the pitch black room and it shines against every curve and ridge of Namjoon's face, pricking his eyes to open as he blindly reaches for his glasses.

    Once finding his bedroom clear through the lenses, he grabs his phone which alerted him of a new notification.

1 New Message!

SunnyY/N 1:32 AM

Hi! I just finished watching Predestination and holy shit how dare you rec me something so mindfucking??!!

    Namjoon types lethargically with a smile hanging on his lips.

MonJoon 1:33 AM

Glad you found the movie compelling though it's 1:33 AM here in the fucking morning, I've got AP exams later, and you woke me up just to say that?

SunnyY/N 1:33 AM

I'm sorry oh my gosh I thought you were awake! God, I didn't think of the time difference! Okay okay, go to sleep now.

MonJoon 1:33 AM

It's alright, I’m having trouble sleeping lately anyway. Where are you currently?

SunnyY/N 1:33 AM

I'm in Italy now though I haven't find anytime yet to travel around :((( Anyhow, go to sleep now! You need that sleep to defeat those tests later!

    Namjoon raises his brow. It must be nice to travel around different parts of the world because of your parent's work. The constant jetlags may be troublesome but he'd rather have that than take on a pile of homeworks and exams he doesn't even need for his major.

MonJoon 1:34 AM

Okay, stay safe there. Good nytie night!

SunnyY/N 1:35 AM

Nyt Nyt!!! :DDD

    Around six o'clock, Namjoon wakes up to the blaring noise of his alarm clock and another notification.

SunnyY/N 6:01 AM

I hope you have a nice day and good luck on your exams! Fighting!!!! 🙆🙆🙆 ( P.S. : I computed the time difference, credits to Mr. Google and I figured you'll be awake now :)))) )

    A grin spreads on Namjoon's face as he ruffles his bed hair and heads to his bathroom. He's got enough of good luck now to tackle on anything that will get on his nerves.

    The day passes and so do his three exams with Namjoon fortunately being still alive. He feels he should ask you to wish him luck everyday because God knows how his luck hasn't worn off yet today. And just like every hard work he gets done, he thinks his reward just came with a "ding!" and a Twitter update.

Y/N Official™ 7:20 PM

Y/N models new collection of Flyday "Missantrophies"!

    Namjoon has never tapped so fast in his life only to see pure beauty before him. Y/N wore frilly dresses painted with classical paintings his art major friend, Jeongguk, studies that made her look like an artwork instead while she daintily posed around some museum in Rome he knows he'll never have a chance to go to anytime soon. The pictures were breathtaking but what made his heart almost combust was the behind the scene shoots with her barely there make-up and a bright grin on her tired form as she hugs a huge teddy bear by her side.

    Too cute, too cute, too cute, gosh Namjoon wants to know how to become that teddybear now.

    Namjoon taps on the Send Me icon and immediately taps the image with your username.

MonJoon 7:20 PM

HAVE YOU SEEN THE RECENT FLYDAY PHOTOSHOOT???!!! Y/N LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE ART

- see 10 photos

SunnyY/N 7:21 AM

Yes hoe, but look at this babe

-see 1 photo

    Namjoon opens the pic to see Y/N lazily looking at her self-camera with tired eyes and bare face that looks like the meme "I don't fucking care anymore". He laughs with his heart squeezing with affection. He's always a sucker for pictures of Y/N looking like everyday college students. But wait -

MonJoon 7:22 PM

She looks so cute!!!! Btw how did you get this pic???? I haven't seen it on her social media accounts yet. Tell me how??????

SunnyY/N 7:22 PM

I have my ways 😏😏😏 Let's just say I'm really resourceful :DDD

MonJoon 7:23 PM

Meanie

"You're chatting with your online girlfriend again?"

    Namjoon raises his head to be met with his roommate (and friend, though he wants to regret such title sometimes) Seokjin's teasing smirk accompanied by a click of the door. He just came home and the first thing he does is suggest that out-of-nowhere-conclusion he kept bringing up. "Uhh yes, online girl-space-friend, not girlfriend," he corrects before he lets his fingers fly across the screen of his phone.

MonJoon 7:30 PM

How are things going around you by the way? Just finished this hellday and I wanna say I think I passed them but I think I'm gonna jinx myself so I'd rather not.

SunnyY/N 7:31 PM

You're not gonna jinx yourself! Just think positive! I know you're smart 😎😎😎 so of course you're gonna pass!!! I'm okay though I'm deadly tired. Been through another flight and now I'm in Sweden.

MonJoon 7:32 PM

So soon?! You're in Italy just like a few hours ago and you haven't traveled around yet!!!! You're missing opportunities, hoe!!

    Namjoon thinks you're hella insane going from one country to another without even staying for a while to travel.

SunnyY/N 7:32 PM

I'm really sad too 😥😥😥 but can't blame my parents for deciding to go from one country to another. Oh I got drunk earlier and fortunately I didn't accidentally open another account in some social media platform. I've already got too many shits, don't need to let the whole world know I'm such an embarrassing person ahahahha

    Namjoon chuckles and he could hear Seokjin yell "There you go again laughing like a lovesick fool. Stop denying she's so your online girlfriend!" over the kitchen but he didn't mind that at all when he remembers the first time he knew you was through the same odd antic you do when you're drunk.

    It was two years ago around some November midnight when Aym a BaBe suddenly messaged him on Send Me with "I'm really sad, can i take up this space for a while?"

    Namjoon was used to receiving shady or nonsense flirty messages from questionable usernames, not to say he automatically deletes messages from people he have never heard of at all. But that night was an exception since it was also the first time he saw someone's pain without even looking at their face.

    Just like what you said, you then filled up the convo space with "I'm just really sad right now" and "I can't even let out my true feelings at all to the people around me," and lastly how you admired his courage for posting the only post that got over 100 notes in his entire Tumblr life defending female solo artist Y/N.

     Y/N, the apple of Namjoon's eyes and his wife-to-be in his own dreamlamd started from scratch and slowly built her career in the music industry with her navy blue guitar and songs about broken glasses and misplaced loves. Namjoon thinks she could have already taken over the world with her now inactive small Youtube account Y/N sings with her original songs about sex, love, and drugs - things usually sung by men artists and topics that were avoided by females in fear of being silenced and judged by a misogynist world.

    Though her fame only started with break up songs as she delved into TV and radio shows that prevented her from trying bold moves such as her compositions in her Youtube career, Y/N still writes and sings her heart out and Namjoon cheered for her continuous success.

    Around one year later, her upbeat breakup single Go F*ck Yourself gained worldwide popularity that made her voice be known on all ears. That's why yesterday, when news broke out about Y/N's new album No More You was about the trifecta that killed every other female artists' career in such a traditional industry, all hell broke lose over the net.

    A couple of  "You're promoting bad things with your song," "You're trying too hard,"  and unnecessarily mean "You're so ugly, try getting a plastic surgery maybe you'll be more tolerable in every viewer's eyes," Namjoon just have to type down a massive text post about such cyber harassment and downright misogyny and inhumane comments against a person who wanted to convey the reality of other people now that her voice can be heard by all over the world.

    You suddenly appeared then with a weird username in that one'o clock haze. Namjoon let you rant out your complaints on the convo space, read each message you sent without replying because not everyone needs advice, just someone who can listen to them. When Namjoon checks his inbox some day later, he found that you changed your username to SunnyY/N like every other fan who uses their idol's name on their username but there's something about yours that drove him to know you more. Maybe it's because he wouldn't associate 'sunny' to Y/N unless she's smiling so wide - he wasn't really sure. And just like that, he formed a stable communication with someone he calls "Sun" whose face he hasn't seen yet over a two year course of friendship that is still staying strong now.

MonJoon 7:35 PM

Good for you that you didn't start up another account. Why are you drunk anyway?

SunnyY/N 7:38 PM

Nothing, just sad. Not a big deal. It's 1 AM here btw, I gotta go. Nytie nyt!

    Namjoon can sense you didn't want to talk about it so he sends his good nights too before going to the table for dinner. After getting his homeworks done, he counts time differences and sets another alarm aside from his morning call.

    Around seven, you wake up with the hundredth notification on your phone but the latest one is what only mattered.

MonJoon 7:01 AM

Good morning! I hope you have a great day. Stay safe, hoe :)

 //

      In the middle of writing an essay about the fundamentals of quantum physics, Namjoon's My Only Friend ringtone makes the man jump on his seat, pen almost flying from his grasp. In his defense, Y/N's MOF is the best of her recent album, Friends & Foes, and it's made him feel so much anyway-

    Namjoon swipes the green button. "What is it, Jimin?"

    "Hey have you seen the announcement of Y/N's concert tour?" Jimin rattles, "Man, the ticket prices are up and I swear to God I have to sell at least one kidney to get the VIP seats and -"

    Jimin's rambling turns into white noise as Namjoon hesitates. He's in the middle of doing tons of essays and shit, he's gonna get distracted again with Y/N's face. He already promised himself to tone down his “stanning” a little and just - fuck it. His hands are already pounding against his keyboard, the tab he opened for his references already in the back of his mind as he clicks the news of your new concert. When it comes to Y/N, he easily pushes away his priorities and God, it's just so stupid but still -

Y/N Official™ 10:50 PM

Y/N Sun + Moon Tour ticket prices are up! Concert dates in other countries will be further announced.

    Namjoon scrolls down and sees listings of dates in California, New York, Los Angeles, yadah yadah, Italy, and Sweden - wait.

    He mumbles a "Gonna get back to you Chim, I'm busy right now" through the phone, ends the call, and goes to Send Me to tap your icon.

1 Unread Message!

    Oh right, he hasn't opened Send Me the past few days because he and Seokjin forgot to pay their net bills. Shocks, you must have been pissed off he hadn't replied you yet.

    However, he didn't expect to read something aside from your memes or your whereabouts and concern for his.

SunnyY/N 1:20 AM

Hi Joon, I'm gonna be inactive for a while but I think i can send a few somethings whenever I can. Just send me anything you want, complain about school and friends, fanboy over Y/N or whatever, I'm gonna reply to that once I can. Hope you have a wonderful day! :DDD

MonJoon 11:00 PM

Hi Sun, sorry I only read your message now. Jin and i forgot to pay bills on time again so yeah. Btw, Y/N's gonna go there in Sweden on July 5 and I hope you can come there! Send me pics if you can! Stay safe hoe and enjoy travelling around!

    Namjoon closes his phone as well as his previous tabs aside from his references and leans on his chair. When you've both started opening up to each other online, you mentioned that once a year you're gonna be hella busy with your folks to the point you barely have time for goofing around the net. It sounded weird but he didn't question you about it and typed "gotta detach yourself away from your phone somehow someday. I’m like that too when finals come hahahahha.", afraid he'll sound prying. 

    After two years of hanging around and being fond of you, he can't help but be constantly curious of what you're actually doing. You're born in the same year as him (though you're only two months older than him) and you've been travelling around the world with your parents while Namjoon's stuck in college with a Philosophy degree and hating every other subject that has nothing to do with making music. You're sick rich and you have your own studio at home (you showed him a pic) because technically you enjoy music too while he's almost dying with the constant tutoring sessions he have with other kids just so he can save up for his Mon Studio-to-be.

    He wonders how he can connect with you so well when you've never had a common ground in your lives aside from liking music and also Y/N. What it would be like if you are a normal college student like him? Are you really small like you say? What will you probably major in? You'll pass out if you had the same schedule as him, Namjoon snorts. He'll probably be that friend who'll constantly check up on you, and you'll probably smile so wide, and maybe your eyes would turn into tiny curves like crescent moons. You haven't sent him a selca yet but he thinks you'll be pretty.

    Namjoon sighs. He wants to meet you so badly.

 //

      September comes and Namjoon counted 23 small candles his friends stuck in the cake Seokjin made. His friends told him to make a wish first but he didn't really have anything that came to his mind. Yeah, maybe he wishes for everyone's health and happiness - he could do with that, and then he blows the candles along with the worries of the past year.

    When the party died down and Yoongi and the rest of the squad bid them goodbyes, Namjoon finds himself slumped against his chair, tired of cleaning all the confetti from party poppers and the piñata Hoseok brought from god knows where.

    He opens his phone and scrolls through his Twitter feed for any updates on Y/N's tour and just then a Send Me notif pops out and he smiles. He never managed to beat through coincidence to be online the same time as you do so he settled for unread messages and leaving messages for the past month as well as sending each other pictures of what you've been doing at the meantime. These kept a smile on his face but he knew right then it would never beat the grin he has now he's got to finally talk with you again.

SunnyY/N 1:01 AM

Happy Birthday, Joon! 😆😆😄

🍕🍕🍕🍟🍟🍟🍔🍔🍔🍲🍲🍲🎂🎂🎂🍰🍰🍰🍦🍦🍦🍫🍫🍫

Hope you ate a lot!

MonJoon 1:01 AM

Thanks! and yes i ate a lot! Seokjin's food is ever 👌👌👌 And oh my god, you're finally online! I miss my hoe!

SunnyY/N 1:02 AM

Yes, some things came up but i'm gonna be fine now. Hey, I'm coming back home in Korea this September and holy gosh Y/N will also hold her concert the same month here! Go come, I will be there and we can finally meet up!!! (I won't be free until after the 26th anyway and i want to meet you so bad now that we're gonna be in the same country!!!!)

    Namjoon's heart thunders. You've never suggested a meet-up before since you told him six months ago you're not yet okay showing yourself to him when it happened that you stayed in Korea and he requested to meet you. However, the small pain in his heart whenever he has to type this cannot be drowned by its overwhelmingly rapid beating.

MonJoon 1:03 AM

Sadly I can't :(

SunnyY/N:1:03 AM

Hey why? I can buy you the VIP tickets if you're feeling a little burdened with the price. I just want to have my main hoe with me

MonJoon 1:03 AM

Thanks for the offer but my finals just have to be scheduled the same day as her concert and guhhh, I don't even want you to spend so much on me. But god, you don't know how happy you made me when you finally agreed to meet up; I just wanna hug you irl!!!! I'm so excited to finally see you, This must be the best birthday present anyone has gave me, hoe!

SunnyY/N 1:04 AM

But I can't wait that long, what if I say I want to meet you now?

    What?

SunnyY/N is requesting for a video call. Accept? Decline?

    Namjoon's brows furrow; you told him before you don't want video calls and now you're doing this? It's confusing but Namjoon clicks on Accept anyway because he doesn't have it in his heart to decline your requests.

    The image of a room and a yellow-hoodied-figure fills his screen. Namjoon can see a bottle on the far corner of your room and before he can scold you for drinking your problems away, a very familiar voice fills his ears and makes him stuck frozen in his chair.

    "I've been feeling sad lately and I tried to get off my phone for the past months but I can't do that now," you sniff, "It's your birthday, I have to greet you. And I know sober me won't do that so I got drunk just to have enough liquid courage to wish you a happy birthday and that I want to meet you."

    Namjoon blinks his eyes twice, this must be a fucking dream - why is he seeing Y/N's bare face and hearing her voice live what - how could you be-

    "By the way, I wrote MOF while  thinking about you," you wipe  the tears forming on your waterline,  "I'm shit right now, but I don't care. I'm saying stuff I'll not remember so you have to remind me okay? I'm gonna end the call now. It's a stupid reason - I just wanna see you."

    Before you tap the red button Namjoon could hear you mutter, "I didn't imagine you'll be this fucking handsome God, I should have fixed myself."

    The screen goes back to the convo space with you now offline and Namjoon can't feel his heart.

    What the fuck, you're Y/N?!

A/N | Hi anon! I combined your requests into #15. Hope you like it! Sorry for the long wait! BTW, Send Me is a social media platform I made up and so is the brand Flyday!

09.07.2018 : Update! This will become another drabble series of mine so expect more dynamics and shenanigans of fan!namjoon and idol!you :D

All Rights Reserved © Vanaera. No reposts, modifications, and translations of content is allowed without direct permission.

[bangtanata-blog]

Misha’s 100+ followers’ follow forever thing ft. Gudetama, a lazy ass 2 min edit done with shaking hands, suggested by Jenny and actually done after a pep talk with Heena.

I can’t really talk about how happy I’ve become after knowing about BTS and actually becoming their fan, bc some of their songs do... help, in a way. Like, 21st Century Girls, So Far Away, 4 O’Clock, Miss Right, etc--they have.... helped me, in going through some days. I just had a bad week, month, whatever, and I was a bit stupid today bc I researched some stuff that probably shouldn’t be researched... So I thought that maybe doing a positive thing will help today after hours of listening to music proven unsuccessful.

So... here it is, a list of people, both mutuals and non-mutuals. I’m sorry if my mention annoys you or bothers you, especially if we’re not mutuals. But I just want to let you know that by making these mentions, I wanna voice out how your presence in my dash actually help me a whole lot, and that is why I’m still upset that Indonesia has tumblr blocked.

bold - mutuals / normal - non mutuals / the list is not in alphabetical orders. i will mention mutuals first. / all mentioned people have something written for them. i’m sorry if some are too long or too short. jsyk i love you all.

@clairelions​ 💜 chiara 💜 thank you for following me back that day, it made me scream internally and eternally; i was really happy when i found out about it. i really look up to you! not only bc you’re older, but you’re also nice and sweet, not to mention polite, and i really aspire to be as kind as you someday. sometimes i still laugh at my mistake in sending that anon message without clicking the anon button, but it’s really sweet over how you take it so calmly and even still accepts my anonymous messages when you know that it’s me. i love your edits, i love your jikook aus, your hogwarts aus (the hogwarts aus have a special place in my heart... i haven’t forgotten that i want to write a fic for it someday!) and many others. i hope your redbubble stuffs get more purchases, and that you’ll have a great day, don’t forget to stay healthy and hydrated. ilu 💜

@yoonkia​ - So, this is the nice thing I was talking about. I like making people happy, so this is okay, I guess. The gudetama was made in a spur of moment and tbh Gudetama is a Huge Mood but anyway, thank you so much for messaging me. I didn’t think anyone would, and I didn’t even know why I made that post. I only realized I was shaking when I saw your message, thank you. (Also, I’m more eloquent now. This is actually how I talk usually!! dhklslshd i’m sorry you had to see that strange me). I actually really like seeing you on my dash, and I’m??? always happy to know we’re mutuals even tho we barely talked dshjkfjd I hope that we can talk more;; you need to know that i’m usually funny //hEH. again, thank you 💜

@jvnckles - jENNY HAHAHAHAHA I DIDNT END UP USING MY SKETCH OF TAEHYUNG IM SORRY BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE THE GUDETAMA ANYWAY WWWW 💜 Jenny jenny jenny ilu it’s such a happy coincidence when i saw you on Fahreen’s blog and when I found out you’re Indonesian I just have to follow you bc!!!! aaaa!!!! I don’t regret it one bit you’re such an angel and ilu and dont let mean pouty anons get in your way, you’re amazing and lovely and you deserve a lot of good things in this world hun 💜 i wish you the best of luck with the upcoming college days lmao i hope you dont suffer like i do 💜💜 ilu nak stay strong yah wwww

@jungcock - miaAAAAaaaa we don’t talk much but youre!! such!! a blessing!! in my dash your tags are funny your text posts are funny and your fic is great ilu even tho im worried about your health bc you’re high sometimes when i see you on my dash (it’s mostlikely a culture shock-- since we don’t really get high here. it’s basically illegal anyway) but you do you, buddy, just stay healthy and safe ok?? your writing gets me motivated to do some actual writing myself lmao i hope my weakass self can actually update something soon. ilu 💜

@kookieholic - i dont see u a lot in my dash... it’s probably a timezone thing :c but you’re a sweet sweet person and ilu and thank you for existing i hope we can be friends someday 💜

@cyphertaehyungie / @kikiwho - !!!!!! i’m still amazed that you’re... following me, tbh. I love your edits, i love your posts, you sound like such a sweet person and hdsshk yeHA thank you! 💜

@hosehok - 💜💜💜 We havent talked in a few but I always get pleasantly surprised whenever I see you back on my dash. Thank you for existing, I love you.

@kimtaehyungl - You’re a constant presence in my dash; it would seem weird for me if you’re suddenly not there, tbh. I love your posts, I love your contents and your tags and honestly thank you for brightening my day, every day 💜

@taegayhyung - I don’t see you a lot too :c A timezone thing? Mostlikely. I’m sorry we never really talk, but I’m sure you’re a gr8 person 💜

@faenam - I screamed when you followed me back, still scream when I see you on my dash. You’re so... chill sometimes and actually cool but also you’re??/ cute? I don’t know how to say this properly? Am I being creepy??? dhslsgjdks anYWAY thank you for being on my dash, I love you and your contents and I hope we can be friends 💜

@taehyungtrsh - bABY (i dont know why I said that, but oh well?) thank you for following me back and thank you for interacting with me whenever we’re able to! I’m too shy to really send anything else other than asks but you’re honestly very kind and fun and just!!! thank you, you made me feel at home and at ease when I first started this blog and you made me feel like I’ve made friends in this fandom. Thank you 💜

@hobisuki - 💜💜💜 First of all, I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming college years. I’m sure that whatever path you choose you can find something good out of it and that you’ll flourish; it’s okay even if it’s not your first choice, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your path to a bright future. There are other pathways you can take and it’ll lead you there nevertheless. Tbh wow I can quote something from So Far Away right about now lmao but yeHA goodluck bb i’m sure you can do it!! Thank you for following me and thank you for brightening my dash, ilu 💜

NON-MUTUALS MENTION START HERE

@booptaegi - Hello! First of all, I’m sorry if this mention bothered you or anything; I just want to tell you that I love seeing you on my dash, your contents make me smile and sometimes your tags make me laugh. I love.. the taegi contents..... (I just love all ot7 dynamics but dsjkhd shhhh ilu) I hope that you’ll have an amazing day today; please don’t forget to stay healthy and hydrated, don’t forget to eat! 💜

@jhsmixtape - Hello, I’m sorry if this mention bothered you or anything, but I just want to let you know that sometimes i come in the form of an anon I love seeing you on my dash. You’re funny and your interactions with your mutuals and anons make me laugh everytime! Your tags and your text posts and others are so funny as well, so thank you, thank you, for making me laugh 💜

@yoonseok - hello, I’m sorry if this mention bothered you or anything, but I just want to let you know that I love seeing you on my dash. Your gifs and contents are top notch, and you’re actually nice and p relatable dsjkdfj I’ve seen some mean anons bothering you before, and I want to tell you that whatever they may say about you, please know that I do appreciate you and like seeing you on my dash, and that although you seem awkward and super blunt, you’re actually p sweet :’) Please don’t let the anons drag you down. You’re a kind person and you deserve many good things. Please don’t forget to eat healthy and stay hydrated (as a side note though... make sure never to take too much water again :’D), I hope you’ll have an amazing day!

@jimiyoong - Hello, I’m sorry if this mention bothers you! I want to let you know that you’re a sweet sweet person esp whenever I see your interactions with the anons, how patient and mature you are, etc. I love seeing you on my dash, and as I mentioned above, your presence actually makes me happy sometimes. Thank you 💜 I hope you’ll have a nice day, please don’t forget to stay hydrated!

@vanillalattaes - 💜💜💜💜 Okay you probably already know who I am thanks to my name HJDSGHKSJD aNYWAY yeah I can’t believe this is the Grand Reveal but hey at least it’s not a stray message like how it happened with Chiara dhsklsk Hello, it’s me, Cappuccino, and no pressure over finally knowing who I am (as in you don’t have to follow me back if you don’t want to!!!!). I’m sorry if this mention bothers you, but I just wanna let you know that I’m really really happy to have you as my friend, Fahreen. I can’t stress this enough, I’m so happy to see you on my dash, mostly it’s bc I know then that you’re healthy and safe 💜Thank you for listening to my rants whether that one time on the rabbit site or through the anonymous messages. You’re a genuinely kind person and I’m happy to have you as my friend 💜 You make me happy and feel loved and honestly you’re one of the reasons why I’m so content in staying in this bts blog and in this fandom overall. I love that we both love spicy foods, I love that we can bond over cake. You’re a sweet, sweet person and I hope that you’ll have a nice day. Please don’t forget to eat and stay hydrated! Thank you Fahreen, you’re appreciated!!!

[illgiveyouahint]

I just had a thought, I noticed that someone I made friends with at uni is fb friends with someone who used to go to my school (which was 5 years ago, but anyway), and it kind of triggered a thought, this girl was a real bitch, but what I think made her most of a bitch was how she I think is how she as a gay person would try and actively find people who were not exactly out or if there were rumours about certain people e.g. I know I'm attracted to girls/guys, but when I was 16 I didn't know 1/?

that, and would actively make comments to you like what is your sexuality or spread rumours about it e.g. I once had a gang of girls want to practice kissing with me but in a condescending way because I didn't want to kiss a guy, or just weird body language from certain people. I can't explain it but once someone told me they overheard a discussion (which I'm certain this girl was in because it was heavily hinted at) about who is going to be lgbt in their school cohort. Like honestly 2/?

are they so insecure about themselves that they have to discuss other peoples attraction to other people? I have been told that I would be a virgin and slight comments about who I was attracted to (it came more apparent once I started boarding in year 10-12). But I just think people should leave people alone and let them be. SOrry I just felt like ranting to someone about this because I think it's a real issue in high school, and I' glad I'm out. 3/3

Hello anon,

there's something that happens when you put a group of people who are only starting to develop an actual personality in the same room for years with no chance of escape. Like your mentality is no longer your own really. People at that age haven't really developed their own thinking yet. They're only beginning finding their own personalities so there's a lot of pretending and trying to fit in and trying to appear cool etc. while also being so insecure about anyone actually seeing through the lie. Unfortunately that often leads to being mean and finding weaknesses in others etc. 

It's no secret I've been bullied in elementary school. But before me they've bullied another girl who then left, and before her it was another one. It was a pattern. And it could be anything. From how high your voice was, how big your but was, what clothes you wore, that your breath stank, that you were too hairy or not hairy enough in case of boys, that you were gay or a lesbian, that you were a virgin or that you were a whore, that you were not actually a girl, that you wore glasses. Literally they'd use anything to hurt you. But you have to understand (and it took me a LOOONG time to understand this) it wasn't really them. I mean yes it was. But it's...idk it's the mentality of the classroom and mentality that comes with teenagers that is just too strong. Like I've had several people apologise to me in a moment of privacy and saying they know that what's happening is bad and then go back to bullying me when they were back among the group. Some of the people who bullied me I was getting along fine while we were alone but once there was a group they'd attack. Like that's how it worked. It took me a long time but I mostly have forgiven them. Because I know they've regretted it the second they left that weird group mentality. Chances are that this girl who was terrible to you has actually secretly regretted it and is not doing it anymore. She's grown and probably hopefully learned how to be a decent human being.

Teenagers are so fucking insecure. All of them. They'd do anything to not become the target themselves. I remember girls who would be kissing for fun so that they'd attract more boys while at the same time making fun of lesbians. Girls who were pressured into doing things they probably didn't wanted to do in order to feel cool. Girls who ended up on drugs in order to gain some imaginative prestige. But also I've seen boys who were being mocked for being too weak and who would again consume alcohol and smoke or pretend to self harm (during the emo era) in order to appear cool. Hell I've drank alcohol at that time because I thought it would make me look cool. And then as I've grown I realised I don't actually like drinking alcohol and I'm only doing it because of the pressure to conform. 

So yes I do think it's a mixture of their own insecurity, mob mentality and the general not really being a fully developed human being with rational thought and still learning who you are and how to behave. In any case I am sorry this has happened to you my dear anon and I hope you will be able to heal from it. 

[blackvail22]

13 february 2021

5:08am - tomorrow’s valentine’s day. what a shame, i guess.

it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. i remember the feeling i had on valentines day last year, though. i was... i was honestly really sad, but i didn’t mind it. it was the first (and last) year me and jenna stopped trying to hide our relationship so much. i wanted to get something for her, but i never did. wait, no... i did. i made her something. i dont know. i did get a really good photo of myself out of that day though lmao

valentines day is a day of love, and love is the only thing i’ve wanted but never have gotten, so. i mean. it’s a yearly reminder of that.

4:07pm - luxury items don’t excuse emotional torment

3:16am (14/02/21) - i played with one of the most entertaining guys ive ever met today. i met him through a friend, and he’s a few years younger than me (by school grades, i dont know his age). both his friend (zion) and him (jay jay) are younger than me. im wording this very confusing so i’ll just stop now, lol. im going to go to sleep now :P

oh, they’re guys, and theyre internet friends. jay jay is the one that came up with the “prank” a few weeks ago. while playing with them, though, zion has a mic, and every time i played really well or i was playing in a lobby full of everyone’s friends, he would talk abt how they just all got killed by a girl. yeah, i get it, i guess, and he did say that it didnt really matter afterward but... ehh... this is just the first encounter ive had with someone that knows im a girl and thinks i play well and hasnt said that i was faking my identity, harassed me, belittled my talent after i played well against them, and/or asked me for nudes soo... im glad it went well. and zion was really funny, and his voice reminded me of someone i haven’t seen in awhile, so it was nice. hopefully i play with that group more often. i have to be weary playing with them during the day because my mom is awake and home, and she reacts negatively when i talk to others online because of me talking to you and multiple others when i was 9&10. now, look, i get the others. one of them pressured me into something i didnt want to, and the other tried to make me do the same thing. on the other hand, you arent bad. i wish she could see that for herself. wooooow, it is true people open up when theyre tired. lmaooo, okay, i think im *actually* gonna sleep now.

4:12am (14/02/21) - i still want to talk to someone but i dont know what to talk about :(

i miss having the company of someone. just a simple video call while we’re both doing what we want to would be fine. or even having a long conversation over the phone. i remember the ones i had with jenna. i liked them. i liked the ones we had when it was late at night, and i was at her house. i wish i could talk to her more. maybe when i can go back to in-person school i will, as much as i dread it. i’ll have to at some point because my mom refuses to homeschool me. she knows why i hate school so much (ive been bullied since my 2nd year in school) but she doesnt want my social skills to disappear. they’re already gone. i have social anxiety. plus, i’ll (probably) get a job soon anyway. im thinking about working at the same place as emily and possibly the same hours (if possible) so i have someone familiar. i dont think id make it if i didnt have someone familiar near me. maaaaan, i miss emily so much, but my mom hates her. whenever she sees her, all she can think about is emily’s sex life and calling her rude names and its just... its not her place nor her business. it’s also just rude. i used to talk poorly about emily, though, which i regret. i apologized to her for it multiple times, and i still feel sorry. i want to keep apologizing, but i think she knows that i’m sorry. i wish i could take back the things i said about her. two of my friends were at conflict (one being emily) and i didnt know what to do. i also blamed her for a lot of things that were my fault to begin with. i think there was a point where i lost myself in her. i can see that happening a little with b, but it’s not as bad. with emily, i couldnt find my own identity if it didnt involve some part of her. i still have no clue who i am because i am constantly changing, but...

im oversharing

wtf

im gonna stop

how long have i been ranting?

ehh 14 minutes isn’t bad. i need to stop talking for now. it’s 4:30am. sleeeeeeppppp

[pajnloki]

8 // One year

Uhm hi. 

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes. 

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something.. 

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3 

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys. 

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe 

[nogooddeetz]

Prompt from @misscrazylove99:

"a soulmate au with connor having a tree tattoo."

Here's my take on that:

~

Connor sighed. Larry was at it again.

"I'm just saying, most people have it figured out by 18." He complained. Connor rolled his eyes but kept quiet. He'd had this argument too many times.

"Larry." Cynthia tried to shush him to avoid a fight. "Let him be."

"But Cynthia, he's 18 already, he should have found his soulmate by now!" Larry continued on. "It's just how it goes! I don't understand why he has to be so different!"

That's when Connor had enough.

"Unbelievable." He muttered as he got up from the breakfast table. "Sorry to disappoint you, Larry, but this stupid thing isn't exactly a map." He half-yelled while pointing at his soulmate tattoo. "You got off easy! You guys have halves of the same picture! Zoe's been dating for years because so many people have stars and she convinced herself they're all the same, but now she figured out there's a person who has the same styled stars she does! The font! The freaking font is the same! Good for her! But this?" Connor points to his arm again, "I've never seen this damn tree in my life, except on my arm. I'm not sure it even exists! Maybe it's a fluke! Either way, I can't change it, I was BORN with it! If anything, be mad at the universe. Just get off my back!"

Connor finally finished his rant, grabbed his jacket and walked out of the house. All of the things he told Larry, were all things he'd tried to explain to him before. He just wouldn't get it.

The societal pressure to find your soulmate, the person to complete you and make you happy, was... A lot. And Larry was right, most people met their soulmates in their teenage years. Of course there were exceptions, so Connor being 18 and without a soulmate shouldn't be the end of the world, but in Larry's mind, like always, Connor not being exactly who he wanted him to be, was disappointing.

When Zoe found her soulmate, only 6 months ago, Larry was happy for her and then immediately questioned how come Connor, the older brother, hadn't found his.

Connor kicked an empty beer can as he stomped towards his high school. He didn't want to admit it to Larry, but the constant nagging got to him. He started getting nervous about his soulmate too. Maybe they didn't exist? It would make sense. Connor's soulmate tattoo was strange compared to most's.

Most soulmate tattoos were either halves of the same picture, similar by design or soulmates would have a tattoo representing the other.

Connor's tattoo was the most unreal looking tree he'd ever seen. The concept of a tree as a soulmate tattoo alone was quite unusual, and the tree on Connor's arm was indeed strange. It looked almost cartoon like, with a too straight of a trunk and strange little twigs holding all the strange little leaves above the whole tree.

All his life, Connor would be on the look out for a tree like that, but he'd never seen one. He started to believe that this kind of tree didn't exist and therefore his soulmate wouldn't either.

Great. It was barely 8am and Connor was in a foul mood. Maybe being at school wasn't such a good idea.

"Hey Murphy, looking murderous as usual!" Came an annoying voice somewhere in front of Connor in the hall. Kleinman...

"What the fuck do you want now, Kleinman?" Connor murmured a reply.

"Nothin'. Just making conversation." Kleinman smirked back.

"Well go do it somewhere else." Connor shot back. Kleinman got on his nerves and he seemed to enjoy it.

Kleinman lifted his arms in a defensive manner.

"Geez okay, no need to make me the first target of your school shooting!"

Connor saw red. He knew he wasn't a nice guy, but fuck did Kleinman have the nerve to call him a-

"Jared, stop..." Came a quiet, frankly scared sounding voice.

Surprised, Connor lifted his head to see a nervous looking boy standing slightly behind Kleinman.

Hansen, was it?

"What? I'm just saying-"

"Fuck off, Kleinman. I mean it." Connor spit out before he could stop himself. It had been a bad morning and it wouldn't take much to get him angry enough for physical confrontation.

Kleinman rolled his eyes and then turned around to walk the hallway to the opposite direction. "That is why you shouldn't do drugs, kids!" He screamed, pointing at Connor while he went.

"Fucking asshole..." Connor muttered under his breath to not particularly anyone.

Connor felt a presence and turned his head to see Hansen still standing there, a step closer to Connor than he was before, looking extremely nervous. That seems to be the kid's branding.

"What are you looking at?" Connor asked, immediately regretting his angry tone. After all, the kid had defended him, if you could call it that.

"I- uh, I just-t wanted to ssay sorry." Came the reply.

"Why?" Connor asked, genuinely confused.

"F-for Jared, I mean. He- he can be..." Hansen tried to explain but Connor cut in.

"An asshole?"

Hansen blushed. "I- well, uh, yeah, but see, he-he's not t-terrible, he's just..." Hansen struggled to find a word and then finally settled for: "Jared."

Connor huffed out a small laugh. "Sure. Still, it's not your problem, you don't have to apologize for him."

Hansen blushed again. Another thing he seemed to do quite a lot.

"I know, I just... It was, you know, un-uncalled for. So... Yeah." He mumbled.

"Well, it's all cool, dude." Connor replied, trying to reassure the visibly nervous boy.

Hansen seemed pleased by this. "Okay. Well. C-cool?" He replied, turning away from Connor, but he seemed hesitant. After a few seconds he turned around to face Connor again.

"B-by the way, I uh, I like your tattoo." He finally said.

That made Connor freeze in his spot. He glanced at his arm, where the tattoo on his forearm was visible, since he had his sleeve rolled up.

"You... You do?" He asked, completely unsure how to react.

"Yeah." Hansen said, now seeming a bit more confident in his speech. "Dragon's blood tree is one of my favorites."

Connor felt like he couldn't breathe. "The what?"

Hansen took a step closer to Connor and pointed at his tattoo. "Dragon's blood tree? Dracena Cinnibaris. It's one of my favorite species. It naturally only exists in one place on the earth. Some say it looks alien, like it doesn't belong on earth, but I... I really like it." He explained with weird passion in his voice.

Connor couldn't find words. Never had anyone commented on his tattoo, other than to ask what the hell it was. This Hansen kid actually knew what it was and it meant something to him and it seemed like his love for the tree wasn't very trivial either. Wait... It meant something to him...

"Well, anyway... I should- I should get to class. So, uh, bye." Hansen mumbled before finally walking away. All Connor could do was stare at his blue shirt disappearing into the crowded hallway.

The bell rang. Connor still didn't move.

Finally, as the reality of what just happened dawned on him, he found his words again.

"Holy fucking hell."

~

Send me Dear Evan Hansen prompts if you have any fic ideas you want to see written! My inbox is open!

[deasnotes]

move! i wanna puke!

feb 29th a.k.a today, i marked you! when i thought that life is going so smooth lately... i wasn’t keep my eyes on the track. now it all turned back to me, everything is messed up, LITERALLY messed up, at EVERY aspect. my friendship, family, economical situation, general life, and other things that affecting my daily life. and i haven’t even got accepted to a job or project yet. but i have to continue my life. that’s the worst thing... to get your ass up, force it all, and pretend that everything’s okay while you have a storm and constant mental breakdown inside your soul, if i should choose; i won’t. i swear i won’t. but life’s gotta be dynamic and i hate the fact that we all have to force it all first before achieving things that we want. also. i can’t accept my strict parents and how that i should behave as the society wants. I DON’T WANT TO. i still want to life freely as the way I AM and nobody could tell me what i have to do. most parents are so old fashioned like cmon i’ll be 20 this year and i can decide things for my OWN self!!! (i know for sure that i’ll regret for writing that but that’s my current state of mind so wyd?!). honestly i’m upset. extremely confused (you can look at how my typing in this post lol my ocd ass doesn’t even bother to divide into paragraphs and structural story, like usual. yes i’m very upset rn). things aren’t running well as how i planned to, and that’s what i hate the MOST even tho i know that sadly--unfortunately--i am NOT the center of this universe. now that i think i can’t fix the friendship anymore... i have to distract my mind (i already distracted of any shits in life by the existence of my lovely boyfriend, actually.. ngl tho i really don’t know what to do without him *cries* i love him so much, he’s my only reassurance... love u lots, bebuy.) but i need sumn, like, i have to earn some pennies since the economical situation of this family is currently being a shit, my uncle borrowed SO MANY loans and my dad deadass gave him, also, my dad has been funding “that” other’s ungrateful son for his (super) expensive college tuition and plane tickets (THAT’S STUPID I KNOW, DON’T ASK ME WHY OR I’LL GET RAGE AGAIN). yes my dad’s “kindness” brought us, his core family, to the lower point lolololol THE CLOWNERY???? now that he already showed me his bank balance... i’m...... upset even more. i wanna cry. i actually write this sentence while crying.... now my bank account balance is way much more than my dad’s primary account (he got many bank acc actually, but when his primary one is dropping that much then idk what to think anymore????). that’s heartbreaking and i’m sooooooooo dizzy the whole day, and probably the whole year, because i don’t know how will i fund the next semester’s tuition fee meanwhile i DEADASS got the highest classified tuition on my college :)  i honestly get used of saving, using my money (kinda) wisely for things that i really desire (for example: if my dad sent me gopay or shopeepay some million rupiahs then i can use it for MONTHS since i rareeelyyyy use the gojek or gofood service, i prefer eat whatever i got at home or just being starving. lol no jk.) but, i guess, instead of thinking about that, there won’t be any funding anymore :) I’M SORRY FOR SHITPOSTING but that’s all that i got in my mind during my kinda tight uni and stupid organizational schedule + my shitty friendships (i swear i’ve tried not to think about it for the sake of my mental health but? i just? can’t?) + all of those STUPID situations that i’ve wrote above. i currently wanna run a small dropshipping business from the scratch since the company that i’ve applied to haven’t even got me in YET. please pray for me. wish me luck. at least i have to continue my study and buying stuffs that i’ve always wanted haha. ANYWAYYYYY.. i’m currently at a state of mind where i regret that i bought kpop albums :’( i honestly NEVER THOUGHT that i would regret it but.. now i frankly do). i mean, i have some albums MEANWHILE 2-3 album aja di total udah berapa juta bangsat.... even tho i bought that without feeling pressured at that time, bc i had money back then lol i have savings. BUT. STILL. :’( up all thoughts, i really wanna just smoke it all off. how i wish that those could just disappear--vanished--like *poof, it doesn’t exist anymore!*. also, i need packs of cigs like right here right now while contemplating about life and its weird way. i need lots of hugs and planted kisses (from my bf) too, that’s one of a reassurance that i need, but nvm i’ll get hours of hugs in a week from now on! :D

this is 12 am at midnight means that it’s 1st of march now, i usually write at midnight while sobbing (that’s the best way of catharsis you know!) so i’m sorry that i’ve ranting so much lol wym this is my blog anyway!!! :p  and, lastly, goodnight. goodnight for my own self only. also, move! i wanna puke!!

[trexfish9]

Just Throwing it Out There

   Okay I've had enough and would like to express my opinions and beliefs. I'm just done with people bashing other people for their life choices. I apologize in advance if this long rant offends anyone, as that is not my intention. Of course, sometimes, regardless of what someone says, somebody will take offense in some way. Also, I apologize for the many grammatical mistakes to come.

   So first, I want to talk about body hair. I am just so frustrated when I hear my friends or family members talk about shaving because someone told them to. One, it's not their decision to make and it's just peer pressure. Seriously, unless they're physically throwing you in the shower and shaving your legs, they can't do anything. Also, for the guys out there, if you think a girl having leg hair is gross or weird, then you should never get a girlfriend because girls seriously will not shave for weeks. Plus, ladies, if a guy ever tells you to shave your legs, and you don't want to, look him directly in the eyes and tell him, "If I'm shaving, you're coming with me." If guys don't have to shave, why do girls? I don't understand society's way of thinking half the time. It's completely normal to have body hair, people!! You can't really stop it unless you do laser hair removal!  Also, armpit hair... Honestly, girls, a few prickly armpits aren't going to kill anyone. Also, boys, we don't appreciate long armpit hair because it doesn't help your body odor. Again, if girls can't have armpit hair, why is it okay for guys? I just don't understand? Well anyway just do what you want with your hair, people!! Long, short, or none at all, whatever makes YOU happy!

  Okay next I'll talk about bisexuals and homosexuals. Now this is a touchy subject isn't it? Just know this, Nobody can stop you. You can't help what or who you like, so people should just accept that. If you're a teenager, people might say something like, "You don't know what you want, you're too young." Well isn't that point of being young? Trying out different things, and finding yourself? Honestly, I have no problems seeing homosexual couples kissing, or doing regular couple things. Sometimes it just makes me feel a little awkward because, people are kissing, and sadly, I don't see it that often because they are judged daily for their choices. They also are afraid to show affection in public because of the silent judgement and dirty looks people give them. Again everyone is entitled to their opinion, but really? Don't make people be sad or regret their choice because YOU don't like it. It's not your life, it's not your problem. You guys just be you, okay. 

    Now I'll talk about furries, bronies, etc. okay honestly I am pegged a furry daily because I find ears and tails cute and sometimes, yes it triggers me. Most of the time, I really dont care though. Please just don't talk about your furry or pony porn in public because you're literally someone talking about porn. I don't even care what porn you watch so, why do you want to talk about the porn you watch at school, workplace, restaurant, etc? Is there really a reason? I don't find it amusing, and I'm sure others don't either. Oh and again, you can't help what you like so go for it!! If you like dressing up as a cool animal, or watching My Little Pony, go for it. 

     For you weebs out there, I am a giant weeb. Now most of us don't like being called that, but hey that's apparently the title for us anime lovers, SO OWN IT. Honestly, there are so many of us, we can find friends like us easily. A few of my really good friends are "weebs" and they're amazing. Who cares if you like anime? I love anime and I wouldn't be the person I am today without it, if you can believe that. 

     So last thing I'll talk about is friends, peer pressure, and bullying. Okay, I have amazing friends. They always make me feel loved, and I never feel left out, even though I'm at least two years younger than all of them. We don't all have things in common, which is fine. My friends consist of memers, gamers, koreaboos, weeaboos, low-key furries, cartoon lovers, artist, and cat ladies. I seriously love all of them. If you're in a friend group that doesn't make you feel loved, get out fast. It's seriously horrible and I don’t want any of you guys in a bad friend group. It's better to be a loner for a few years until you find your true friends, than to be in a bad friendship, because you might not find your real friends. Now I sound like I'm writing an essay, sorry. 

     Alright, on to peer pressure. Peer pressure exists in every friendship, I'm not going to lie. Don't participate in peer pressuring someone, especially if it's really stupid. If you're the one being pressured, then don't give in. It's as simple as that. If they're like, "If you don't do it, I won't be your friend." or, "If you can't do this, you're not cool." Well for one, that’s hazing, and that's illegal where I live. Secondly, if people are somewhat threatening you, leave immediately. Just leave that friend group. Don't do anything you don't want to do. 

      Now, bullying. If you're being bullied, this is going to sound cliché, go to a teacher or an adult. They can seriously help you! Bullying just hurts people emotionally and physically. No, bullying hurts people in general, and it needs to stop. Bullying leads to fights, suicide, and sadness. Bullying people is not cool, and I respect those who are bullied that are still alive and keep calm during the situation. I would try to help in some way if I saw someone being bullied, but I've never been in the situation. Now you're probably thinking, "This person has never been in such a situation, so how would they know they'd do that?" Well, I trust in myself and my beliefs enough now to hope that i'd be able to act in some way. Even if it's as small as saying, "Hey stop that," it can help.

     I'm done now, but I hope this encouraged some of you, and changed a few of your opinions on certain subjects. If not, well, you are also entitled to your own opinion.

[lollytea]

Yknow what upset me about the SU fandom (before wanted and Lars head)? How they could let every other character have flaws except him. I know he did some shitty stuff but doesn't everyone at some point? Pearl can be selfish, Steven can get angry, Garnet can be unfair. But when Lars shows signs of cowardice or anger or negativity, people HATE it. Flaws are what make us human, and I hate how people just couldn't let Lars make mistakes. That's what growing up IS. Blarg rant over, lot o feels sorry!

I knoooooow dude. It was annoying as hell. Like? Give the kid a break. It was also pretty fucking hypocritical when people would crucify Lars for being a moody and generally hot tempered teenager while simultaneously FAWNING over the Crystal Gems for their realistic flaws.

Lars hasn’t even been alive longer than 20 years and he still got shit all over because yep. This is it. He’s gonna be like this for the rest of his life. He’s the spawn of Satan and will never emotionally grow. There is no changing this kind of behaviour. MEANWHILE the THOUSAND OF YEARS OLD gems who have had plenty of time to grow and develop as people, still fuck up and make morally ambiguous decisions. Do we even need to go into the amount of shit the gems did? I mean, I love them but these are not perfect angels, my dude.

But God no, Lars is clearly the one at fault here for rejecting Steven’s high five that one time.

Also, all these people were so down for mental illness representation until it showed an actually mentally ill character being mildly unpleasant. Because sometimes that’s just what mental illness is. We’re not all going to be a beam of sunshine to be around sometimes. He wasn’t alright in the head and often lashed out as a result. For both mentally ill people and teenagers alike, this is a pretty common thing. Are these people seriously saying that they never once saw themselves in Lars? Becaaaaause I did. Like regularly. To me, he was like a summary of teenage struggles in a nutshell.

Lars had very obvious social anxiety (His desperation to impress the cool kids, his reluctance to be himself in their presence, how to make it seem like he wasn’t “Trying too hard” Like he was simultaneously excited and dreading this potluck because he let himself overthink too much. Also straight up deciding that he just COULDNT show up to the potluck. Anxiety tends to work in pretty paralyzing ways, stopping you from doing things you know in your heart you SHOULD do. Lars let it affect him)

Lars had depression (Okay this is more of a headcanon than a fact but I am almost certain that his grades are so bad cuz he cant find the motivation to do shit. Also, according to his parents, all they’re asking for is “A little effort” implying he straight up doesn’t even try. Also “Sadie, do you ever feel lonely? Even when you’re around people?” That is a depressed boy, my dude.)

Lars hated himself. (Buddy, did you HEAR that speech he gave in Stuck Together?? Like dude “I’m a wuss. I’ve always been stupid and afraid” He just sounded so done, so angry, so fucking frustrated. Like this shit had been weighing down on his shoulders forever. With that clear anger towards HIMSELF, it doesnt surprise me in the slightest that he had a tendency to take it out on those around him.)

Now, I don’t think Lars’ habit of being a dick in early seasons should just be overlooked or excused as “Depressed.” Like no. Whatever goes on in your head, whatever comes out of your mouth, regardless of your mental state, you still need to take responsibility for it. The fact was that Lars WASNT taking responsibility, was probably the biggest flaw he had. Because he could just be shitty in general sometimes. A very human-like trait to have. But we’ve all been shitty people in the past and I never understood this “He’ll never change” mentality.

Like Lars in early seasons was intentionally written as a bit of a prick and it wouldn’t matter in the slightest if you didn’t like him. It was understandable. I mean, he blamed Rose for a problem, and yelled about it, referring to her as Steven’s “Weird mom!” Like yeah, that was pretty low. But as soon as Steven yelled in retort, Lars’ face dropped like he regretted his words instantly. It was little touches like these, that really highlighted him as the person he was. Kind of a dick, kind of spoke without thinking sometimes but ultimately not heartless.

The series comes from Steven’s perspective so there are a lot of thing we’ll never see unless he’s present but according to Sadie, Lars is generally a lot kinder in private. We don’t know the extent, we don’t know if he’s nice enough to excuse his public persona but welp, I guess that’s a topic of debate that anyone can have a different opinion on. Sadie seems to think positively about him anyway.

The most annoying part of all of the hate, felt like the fandom was trying to rush Lars’ development. Like there was this pressure in every episode he was in and if he wasn’t perfect yet, he was just gonna get shit on some more. He was being scrutinized for every action WAAAY more intently than any other character.

But like the crewniverse was certainly TRYING. There was clearly something big in store for Lars and I don’t think any of us ever imagined what we ended up getting(HE’S PINK) but patience was a big factor here. You just needed to have faith that this shitty kid would sort himself out eventually. But so many people didn’t believe in him at all and honestly it was kind of disheartening.

But damn, man. He got his big hero moment and I’m so proud of him. While I don’t think his story is over yet, I feel as though Lars Head definitely wrapped up this whole arc that’s been budding since season 1. Honestly, while I still feel that his early actions could have been forgiven with just gradual attempts at kindness and opening up, I’m so happy with what we got instead. Like the crewniverse did not have to go all out. They didn’t  have to make Lars save all those gems, they didn’t have to make him die trying to help, they didn’t have him be the reason Steven made it home safe. They could have redeemed him in such a smaller subtler way but nah man. If that had happened, there would still be a split division of people who STILL didnt like him or felt as though he shouldnt be forgiven.

But the way his development was executed was done in such a big badass extra way, that there would be absolutely no argument whatsoever that Lars had finally proven himself as a good guy. Even people who don’t like him, have to agree now.

NOW BRING THE FUCKING CANDY FLOSS BOY HOME

[everywon-woo]

SOMETIMES LITTLE ACES DO BIG THINGS - chapter 2

Why wasn’t he crying on the floor of the bathroom in his scarcely decorated penthouse? Maybe because he had finally gotten to hit Whits in the face. Maybe because Jack had finally acknowledged his existence again. However, another person who should get some credit for Kent’s relatively stable emotional condition was the giant Russian man whose off-ice personality seemed to be the complete opposite of everything he stood for on the ice.

A/N: Here it is, the second chapter of “I call it a patater fic but actually it’s just about Kent working through his shit”. I promise chapter 3 will actually be about patater though. Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Some swearing, mentions of alcohol, involuntary outing, mentions of violence

Chapter 1

Masterpost

Chapter 2

Kent groaned as he awoke to the blaring of his alarm, which he had set before he left for the arena the previous day, knowing that he probably wouldn’t get through the night after a game against the Falconers sober enough to remember he had to go to morning skate.

He was about to get out of bed to get some painkillers and a cup of coffee when he remembered the events of the day before.

Shit, he had hit Whits during the game. He wouldn’t just get away with that. He’d have to do a press conference to apologize for his unsportsmanlike behaviour, and explaining why he had punched his own line mate in the face without saying “He was being a homophobic dick to Jack Zimmermann, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend or whatever the fuck we were doing as teenagers” wouldn’t be an easy task.

The rest of the night got progressively blurrier as he consumed more alcohol, but he hadn’t completely blacked out, as he could still remember-

Fuck, fuck, fuck, he had kissed Alexei Mashkov.

And Alexei had… kissed him back?

Kent flopped back on the bed, with his face down into the pillow. How had he gotten himself into this mess?

Just as Kent was about to decide to quit playing hockey and spend the rest of his life locked up in his apartment, his house phone rang. He cursed himself for still having the stupid thing. He had gotten it installed when he had first moved into the apartment because his mom still didn’t have a mobile phone, but she had finally given into technology a while back, so the house phone was completely useless.

Until now, apparently.

He contemplated just not picking up, but if something was urgent enough to track down this number, it must’ve been important, so he got himself to his feet and made his way to the kitchen.

“Hello?” he asked, too tired to bother with proper manners.

“Kent Vincent Parson!” Katie, the Aces’ assistant manager, shouted. “How dare you turn your phone off and just disappear after doing something like that! You could’ve been hurt!”

Kent smiled. She would kick his ass for this, but at least she did it because she cared about him.

“I’m sorry, Katie, I just went to a bar with the Falcs.”

“Yeah, Swoops told me that! Otherwise I wouldn’t have waited until now to call this number! Or I would’ve just showed up at your apartment, probably walking in on you and some girl you picked up at that bar!”

Kent froze. She didn’t know?

Katie wasn’t fazed by his lack of answer at all and just kept ranting: “I hope you’re planning to show up at morning skate, Kent, hungover or not! And you better get your ass in my office afterwards!”

“I’m gay.”

Silence.

“That’s why I hit Whits. Now, excuse me, I have to get ready for morning skate.”

“No, Kent, wai-”

Kent ended the call, breathing heavily.

  Surprisingly, he didn’t regret it. Katie would’ve found out eventually, and he trusted her. This would make it easier for everyone to handle the situation they were currently in.

Plus, Kent couldn’t deny that had felt good. Terrifying, but good.

More so, it felt liberating. Katie knew, and there was nothing Kent could do to take that back. He wouldn’t have to spend the whole morning trying to come up with an explanation for his behaviour. The only thing he could do now was getting ready to see his team at morning skate.

  As soon as he entered the locker room, he concluded that the players who had been on the ice hadn’t told the rest of the team about Kent’s sexuality, as all the guys who had been on the bench gave him a weird look, perhaps waiting for an explanation for his behaviour the night before. The guys who knew only gave him an understanding and apologetic look.  

With the exception of Whits, of course. You’d think he’d learned his lesson.

“Hey,” he exclaimed when he saw Kent had entered the room, “if it isn’t our little gay superstar, Kent Parson!”

The room went quiet. Kent froze.

“You fucking asshole,” he heard Swoops mutter before the goalie got to his feet, took a few big steps and hit Whits square in the jaw.

This seemed to wake everyone up, including Kent, and he quickly grabbed Swoops around the waist to pull him away from Whits.

“It’s okay, Swoops, it’s okay,” he said in an attempt to calm him down.

“It’s not okay!” Swoops snapped, but he didn’t try to fight himself out of Kent’s grasp.

Pete and Robber had apparently given up on civilly trying to keep Whits from fighting Swoops and had him pinned down on the floor. At least Kent knew he could count on his alternate captains.

Coach Griffin chose that exact moment to walk in and froze.

Without addressing his players in any way whatsoever, he fished his phone out of his pocket and called a number.

“Hey, Katie, yes it’s me. I’m gonna need you in the locker room.” He then proceeded to divert his attention to the group. “I was going to wait with addressing this thing that appears to be going on until after morning skate, but seeing as you can’t even get on the ice without trying to kill each other, I guess we’ll have to do this now. I want someone to tell me what the fuck is going on, right now.”

“Parse-” Whits started, but he was cut off by Pete’s hand around his throat.

“You piece of shit,” he spat, “you say one word more, I’m make sure you never touch ice again.”

“I’m gay.”

Silence.

Right at that moment, Katie stormed into the room looking ready to kill someone. Kent couldn’t blame her, assuming she had more than enough work to do after last night’s shenanigans.

She didn’t even ask what had happened. She just took one look at Whits being pinned to the floor by Pete and Robber and figured the rest out on her own.

She turned to Kent and asked: “They know?”

Kent nodded.

Katie could be a scary woman sometimes, but Kent had never seen her this furious.

“White. My office, now. I won’t be there for a while but you better wait for me or-”

She took a deep breath and pinched her nose. “Just go,” she said before she actually threatened her player’s life.

Whits got up and left the room, shooting everyone nasty glares.

Meanwhile, Coach Griffin was still frozen, which terrified Kent. He might be the Aces’ star player, but his coach being a homophobic asshole would without a doubt affect his career.

“So,” Katie started, “I want it to be very clear that there’s no room for bigoted behaviour in this team. If anyone has a problem with Kent’s sexuality, or with anyone else’s sexuality for that matter, I suggest you get over it really quickly. We are a team, and I need everyone to have each other’s backs, on and off the ice. So,” she took a pause to look every one of her players in the eye. “Does anyone else have a problem with Kent?”

A few of the guys shifted a bit uncomfortably, but everyone kept their mouth shut.

“Good. Now get your asses on the ice.”

Everyone got up and made their way towards the rink, including Kent, so Katie added: “Except for you, Kent. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Kent closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned around. “Sure.”

On his way out, Coach Griffin slapped his back and smiled. “Join us when you’re ready, Parse.”

Somehow, those words meant the world to Kent. Coach was okay with him being gay. Coach wanted him to be on the ice with the team. That was all he could ever wish for.

“Kent, are you okay with staying here, in the locker room?” Katie asked.

Kent just nodded and sat back down in his stall.

“Okay, I’m not going to ask you to tell me things you’re not ready to say, but I need to know everything you’re willing to tell me. We’ll do a press conference tomorrow to address yesterday’s… situation – and maybe something else, but we’ll see about that – and I need to know what you want me to say.”

Something else? What else was there to discuss in a press conference?

Anyway, Kent had more important matters to address.

“I, uh- so, as I said, I’m gay,” he began.

Katie smiled, but remained silent to give Kent the time to think.

Now he’d gotten so far, Kent decided that he might as well tell her the whole story.

“I need you to promise not to tell anyone what I’m about to say, okay?”

Katie nodded. “Of course. Everything stays inside this room as long as you want it to.”

“Okay.” Kent took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It was easier to talk if he didn’t have to look Katie in the eye. “When we were in the Q, I had this thing with Jack. Jack Zimmermann.” He was pretty sure she knew which Jack he meant, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to make sure there was no miscommunication. From there on, he just rambled. He told her everything. He told her about Jack, and how Kent always loved him more than he loved Kent, and about all the pressure before the draft, and about the overdose. He told her about how he hadn’t wanted to go to the draft if Jack couldn’t be there with him, but Jack’s parents had thrown him out of the hospital room, so he went anyway. He told her that he had cried himself to sleep for weeks, desperately hoping to wake up the next day realizing this had all been a bad dream. His cheeks stained with tears now, he told hear about how the first time playing the New York Islanders had been torture, because he would’ve given anything to play for them if that meant Jack would be playing for the Aces.

“When I heard he got outed, part of me was terrified. Jack was the only person in the world who knew about me, and now he didn’t have a reason to keep my secret anymore. After a while I realized how ridiculous my fear was – Jack would never out someone against their will – and I feel guilty for even thinking about it.

However, for the most part I was just so angry. Didn’t the media ruin his life enough? They almost killed him, for fuck’s sake!

But then the weeks passed, and Jack seemed… happy. His teammates stood up for him, he posted cute pictures of his boyfriend on social media – which made me significantly less jealous than I expected – and he looked happier than I’d ever seen him before. So when I heard Whits say that stuff to him, I lost it. And well, then I accidentally outed myself to my homophobic teammate.”

“Oh, Kent,” Katie sighed, teary-eyed, and she pulled him into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Kent was breathing heavily by now, but he felt unexpectedly calm. Most of this stuff he had never said out loud before. Suddenly he could see why therapy seemed to help people.

He finally opened his eyes and pulled away to look at Katie.

“Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

“For listening. For dealing with me. For being my friend.”

Katie smiled and pulled him back against her. “You’re welcome, Kent.”

“I still have to do the press conference, don’t I?” he sighed.

“Yes. As you don’t have a game tomorrow, we can do it tomorrow, but it’ll have to be done.” She untangled herself from Kent so she could properly talk to him. “I want you to write your own text. Normally the PR team would just tell you what to say, but this time, I want you to say what you think. No media bullshit, just Kent. You’ll have to run it by the PR team, or by me, but to be honest I don’t give a fuck what you say, as long as you mean it. And don’t you dare apologize for standing up to Whits. That’s the only think I ask.”

Kent nodded. It would’ve been easier if he could just read something other people had written for him, but he had to admit it would feel wrong to apologize to Whits, which would surely be the ‘media bullshit’ thing to do.

“Okay. Now get on the ice, so I can go kick Tim’s ass and call Georgia to ask her how the fuck she handles this stuff.”

“Thanks, Katie,” Kent said, and he meant it. She was technically his boss, but lately she had become more than that. She had become a friend.

“Don’t mention it,” she laughed while walking out of the locker room, undoubtedly ready to make Whits regret ever having opened his mouth.

  Kent’s phone buzzed for the umpteenth time that evening, and he considered just throwing it out of the window – he was trying to write a speech here, okay? – until he realized that they would just keep calling if he didn’t pick up. The caller was an unknown number, so he hadn’t picked up, figuring it was probably either some salesman or the press, but neither of those would call 15 times in a row, so he was probably safe.

“Hello?” he said.

“Kenny, finally,” Jack sighed.

“Jack? What happened? Why have you called me 15 times?” Kent started to freak out. Was something wrong? Why would Jack call him so many times if everything was fine?

“Everything’s fine, Kent.” Kent could breathe again. “I just heard that you’ll be doing a press conference tomorrow, and I wanted to tell you to say whatever you need to say. I mean, uh- I… whatever you say, I don’t mind. I think I’ve already gone through the worst part and, you know, they’re gonna assume things anyway so I… I don’t mind.”

Suddenly Kent realized what Jack was talking about.

“Jack, I don’t think I’m coming out.” His own uncertainty surprised Kent.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry. I just wanted to say that, uh- whatever you decide, we’ll have your back.”

“We?” Kent asked.

“You know, me, your team, Tater.” Kent could almost hear Jack’s smirk at the mention of Alexei.

Kent blushed. “What did he tell you?”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Jack laughed, “but you just confirmed that something happened.”

Kent couldn’t believe he fell for that.

“Shut up,” he chuckled.

“He’s a good guy,” Jack said, more serious now.

Kent didn’t know what to say. He opted for: “Yeah.”

“Oh and, uh… Eric baked you some stuff to, uh… thank you. It’ll probably arrive tomorrow morning.”

This rendered Kent speechless for a second. “He doesn’t hate me?”

“Oh no, he definitely still hates you,” Jack snickered, “but he also realizes that you did an amazing thing there on the ice.”

“Oh, uh… well, tell him that I appreciate it a lot? And that we, uh- I hope he doesn’t hate me forever?”

“I will. Good luck tomorrow, Kent.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye.”

“Bye, Jack.”

The line went dead. Kent smiled.

He finished his speech and went to bed looking forward to the baked goods that would arrive tomorrow.

  Eric’s pies were just as godly as everyone had told him, but they didn’t prevent Kent from being a nervous wreck before walking into the press room.

Swoops, who had stayed after morning skate as support for Kent, squeezed his shoulder and said: “You’ll be fine. Katie has your back in there.”

Kent nodded, more to himself than to Swoops. “Okay. I can do this. It’s just a stupid press conference.”

And it was just that, so why was he this nervous? It wasn’t like he was planning to come out or anything, so why didn’t his brain want to calm down?

He took a deep breath, ignored his stupid nerves, and walked into the room, taking a seat next to Katie, who they’d agreed would say a few words before Kent said what he needed to say.

“I’d like to commence by answering some questions about today’s trade of Tim White,” Katie started. Kent’s head snapped sideways to stare at her with wide eyes.

The Aces traded Whits?

“I think we’re all wondering the same thing,” one of the reporters commented. “Why?”

“Tim White displayed behaviour that we didn’t appreciate at all. My job is to take care of this team and its players, and the best way to do that right now is to let Tim go. I sincerely hope he manages to learn and grow as a person both on and off the ice with the Blackhawks.”

Why had no one told Kent about this? Sure, he had said that the Aces would choose Kent over Whits any day of the week, but that was mostly bluff; he didn’t think they would actually get rid of him.

The next reporter asked: “Tim White was on the Aces’ first line. Aren’t you concerned that this trade will affect your chances to win the Stanley Cup, or even get to the playoffs?”

Kent knew Katie would have a hard time talking herself out of this one. She was an amazing Assistant Manager and she consistently stood her ground at events like this, but the fact that Whits was a valuable member of the team was undeniable. To Kent’s surprise, she didn’t even try to talk herself out of it.

“Yes. In fact, I’m pretty sure this trade will affect our chances, despite the depth this team has built in the past few years. However, I think winning the Cup takes more than just good hockey players. It takes a team, and being a part of a team means having your teammates’ back, both on and off the ice. It means being able to trust your teammates. When a player purposefully tries to hurt an opponent, both physically and mentally, because of the opponent’s sexuality, he doesn’t belong with the Aces. I want a team that can count on each other, no matter what, and I’m willing to make some sacrifices to achieve that.”

A low murmur went through the room. Some people had probably already guessed that this was about homophobia and Jack Zimmermann, but to hear it be confirmed was still unexpected.

Kent had almost forgotten why he was there, until a reporter the next question. “Tim White was not the only player who displayed unsportsmanlike behaviour during that game. Will Kent Parson face any consequences?”

Katie visibly struggled with staying calm and smiling while answering: “No. Kent Parson will not face any consequences. Although I don’t entirely approve of his methods, he did what he did for the right reasons. Now, I think we should let Kent speak for himself.”

She gave him and encouraging smile and nodded. Whenever you’re ready.

Kent took a deep breath.

“I want to apologize, but not for standing up to Tim. Not for wanting to protect Jack. I want to apologize for doing it in a violent way, and for not taking action sooner to make sure it didn’t have to come to violence. However, I think it’s more important that I apologize to all the children, and possibly parents, who watch every Falcs game because Jack Zimmermann gives them hope. I want to apologize to the children that have been watching what Jack has gone through during the past few weeks, figuring that if they ever achieved their dream and reached the NHL, they would have to choose between staying in the closet and being treated like Jack. I want those children to know that-”

Suddenly, the paper in his hands didn’t seem to say enough. Despite meaning every word of what he’d written, Kent felt like it was closer to another media speech than to what he was actually trying to convey. He folded the piece of paper and stuffed it in his pocket before looking at Katie.

She nodded, giving him permission to say whatever he needed to say.

“You can do anything you want.” He considered his next words for a moment before deciding that he might as well throw a joke in.

“Okay, maybe not anything you want. I know that a lot of you are probably in love with Jack Zimmermann. Nothing to be ashamed about, I’ve been there too.” Gasps. “But unfortunately Eric Bittle’s pies are enough to make anyone want to marry him, so if your dream is to marry Jack Zimmermann, you might want to start searching for another dream,” he chuckled. “Anyway, if your dream is to be an NHL star, not being straight won’t prevent you from doing that. Being bisexual didn’t prevent Jack from being one of the best players in the league. Being gay didn’t prevent me from winning a Stanley Cup. I can’t speak for him, but I’m pretty sure Jack will agree with me when I say we will do everything we can to make sure no one will have to give up on their dream because of who they’re attracted to.”

After a few seconds of complete silence, the entire room erupted in chaos.

“Thank you, that’s it for today!” Katie stated before leading Kent out of the room into an empty closet across the hallway.

“Kent-”

“Shit, Katie, I just came out.”

Chapter 3 (coming soon)