#anyway. not being lonely isn't as easy as meeting new people. you have to actually like the people you meet.

[neverendingford]

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[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Crosshair and Loyalty

Major spoilers for "The Return"- please tread carefully

Seeing Crosshair in the new episode was everything to me. He's changed so much in so many different ways. And since he's way more talkative and expressive now, we do get to see what's going on in his head. I thought his dialogue in this episode was very interesting and makes me think more about his character.

I find it so interesting that loyalty seems to be Crosshair's guiding light. When he latches on to something, he follows through until they turn on him. Loyalty is something he values so much. And I want to talk about it because it does give us a good look at who he is.

I do believe in "Aftermath," he does say that the Empire and Republic were the same to him. My point is, Crosshair isn't guided by some giant moral compass with the needle always pointing towards good or bad the way Echo is. Crosshair follows whoever is loyal to him. And unfortunately, this leads to the Empire.

"I did betray them, after they betrayed me."

As harsh as the truth is, it's still the truth. Crosshair wouldn't have left the Empire if he didn't get the lights turned on for him in "The Outpost." He values himself as a soldier and an exceptional sniper, something the Empire took advantage of. They didn't care who he was, but he was useful so why not right? Crosshair, seeing his skills valued and feeling powerful, jumps right on board. So, some people aren't following the regime and have to be dealt with, that's not my problem (Crosshair, probably). Anyways, Crosshair follows orders even if they're morally dubious because he's a good soldier. He's valued (at least he thinks so), basic needs met, and his skill is put to use. The Empire isn't doing anything to him personally and he's getting rewarded for it by continuing his service and getting that promotion in "Aftermath." And so life is good... until it isn't. Being as stubborn and stoic as he is, vulnerability doesn't come easy to Crosshair. Even if he won't admit it, the Empire is slowly whittling away at his mind. When we meet him in season 2, the cracks are starting to form. He is struggling. But the Empire is still loyal to him so he can push through the pain and keep going, right?

Looking back, Tech's description of Crosshair being "severe and unyielding" is very accurate. Crosshair is a survivor and will do whatever it takes so keep going. That means that other people might get left behind... or so Crosshair likes to tell others. See, here's the thing about Crosshair and loyalty: when he finds someone who's loyal to him and values him and all that, he sticks to them like glue. Oh sure, he will go on and on about how he'll just get himself out when danger strikes, yet, we never see him actually follow through with that. He's such an interesting character because he is guided by that loyalty he feels towards others. Mayday is a good example of this. Mayday stuck by Crosshair the whole time and ultimately saved his life. Crosshair, feeling lonely, grew to care for Mayday. Thus, when Mayday was injured, Cross didn't hesitate to carry him back. Omega works as well. She didn't have a history with Cross like the others. But her plucky attitude and determination to help him caused him to care for her and genuinely love her.

Deep down in the depths of his heart, Crosshair's one and true loyalty is to his family (plus Cody and Mayday). No Empire or Republic could truly ever break that. Even though he did choose the Empire (this is oversimplifying a lot of things), the Batch never fully left his heart or mind.

Crosshair in the second half of season 1 never made a move to kill the Batch. He did some very twisted things such as luring them into a supposed trap only to kill the imperials, but he never physically shot them. Crosshair's anger towards his brother stemmed from the perception that they were disloyal to him (there is some truth in that).

"You weren't loyal to me." "Don't become my enemy." "Crosshair, we never were."

Crosshair's perception of his brothers' actions deeply hurt him. If he didn't care about them anymore, this wouldn't have bothered him to this degree. But, it does bother him. He loves them. He's loyal to them. But they broke that bond first, at least according to him.

I feel that if Crosshair was truly loyal to the Empire, like 100% no inner conflict, he would've easily killed his brothers in season 1 and called it a night. But that's not what we see. Instead, we see a tormented man who still does care for his family, but is led astray by false promises and hurt feelings. Crosshair's loyalty for his family extends across all seasons. In season 2, Crosshair turns on the Empire and then risks his own life to warn the Batch about Hemlock. Season 3 is where we see his loyalty shine even more.

Hunter does not trust Crosshair the way Wrecker does. Even Echo is more or less chill about Cross' return. But Hunter is still very hurt and confused about the whole thing. He doesn't fully understand why Crosshair betrayed the Empire. So, he engages in verbal sparring with his brother, determined to get answers. And Crosshair gets angry; he clamps up and begins to berate Hunter, specifically about how he failed at protecting Omega and all that. But when Hunter's life is thrown into danger by the wyrm, Crosshair doesn't hesitate one bit to rescue him. He cries out for Hunter, desperately trying to get him out of the hole he fell down. Afterwards, Crosshair even becomes willing to open up to Hunter and admits he was wrong about many things. Again, it's that steadfast loyalty and love for his family. The Empire betrayed Crosshair and he didn't look back. Crosshair felt betrayed by the Batch, yet he did look back and wanted to be with them. I also want to point out that Crosshair's hand began to shake when Hunter called him out for turning against them. I do believe the tremor is partially a result from Crosshair's shame and guilt about what happened.

I do think Crosshair's personality is also part of the reason why he didn't go back at the end of season 1. He wasn't ready yet. Crosshair is prideful and very stubborn. If he goes back, it would have to be his choice. He still cares for the Batch and always will, but he still had a lot to learn. Some people, unfortunately, won't learn until they're pushed to their limit and that's what happened to Crosshair. He learned that the loyalty he thought the Empire showed him was actually just an illusion. Meanwhile, the loyalty and love for his family remained. Omega fought so hard to bring him home. Hunter and Wrecker took him back, even if there's still much to work through. Echo accepted him back. They still cared for him.

TLDR: Crosshair follows those who're loyal to him. When he finds someone he's loyal to, he gives them his all. Crosshair loves and cares so fiercely and deeply. He talks a great game, but that man will protect you regardless.

[naffeclipse]

Alright, you wanted the specific detective AU idea? Here it is (Long ass ask ahead and this is an idea that is so self indulgent so let's fuckin goooooooooo!)

So let's say someone wanted revenge, or simply sipped the misery of others like it was the drink of gods, cruelly enjoying every little drop of agony. All of their usual flavors have become bland on their tongues and they are ever greedily thirsty, and they have a new recipe to try.

What would happen if those silly little celestial animatronics had something oh so terrible happen to them? Or more specifically, to their cute little runaway thief who kisses them with a fleeing smile.

How about if the poor vigilante, so full of justice and eagerness to deliver what is deserve is locked somewhere deep in the earth. And there in the maze of metal and stone wanders a poor neglected bot starved of everything, even a name. This place is crumbling apart, it should be an easy escape yes? But let's say for this silly little idea it wasn't possible for one reason or another.

So with little else to do, the two trapped together bond. The bot isn't even hostile, barren to nothing but the endo-skeleton and wiring, voiceless and incomplete. It's curious and happy to listen, even learning a few tricky and escape and thievery.

A day multiplies into seven, into fourteen, into sixty-two. On and on and on, exhaustion heavy in the feeble human's limbs, surviving on just enough food or live. Their friend in the cold labyrinth is ever eager to be their only source of contact, of comfort, of meager meager warmth.

It's hard to tell how much time has passed, with no windows to even grace the misery in sunlight, numbers becoming a blur. Dirt and filth dressing its guests in excess, helping them done only the thickest dust and finest gravel. Moving is a waste of energy, the apartment and roofs stain with blood has never sounded better. Vague dreams and fantasies being the only thing driving away sanity other than uncovered claws and eyes that burn artificially bright.

The taste of smoke has never been more nostalgic and heart-warming, finally warmth seems through the walls with each layer of scrap and dirt goes up. Bells jingling almost pitifully as they lean against the tall company they had, happy to leave.

Happy until the first bullet buried itself into sickly flesh.

No matter what the no longer lonely animatronic tried, with its friend barely being able to stand, life seeped out of them. Consciousness staining the ground red, sharp and furious machinery becoming slick. Wood is painted with blood and flesh, tears varnishing the coat while gunshots sprinkled a pattern into the wallpaper.

A wheeze passes barely breathing lips, nearly empty eyes meeting neon worry. With a smile the room becomes bitterly cold despite the still warm bodies littered about.

Now sitting in its lonesome, the sentient scraps of wires and electricity shook. Misery dancing through its metal veins as fury step aside to make room for it.

What could it do? What could it even do?

Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing notHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING

Hunched over the corpse, it shivered and cried silently, rocking back and forth even as the body became stiff.

Passing passing passing passing. It didn't care for the time, rooted to the floor and dead flesh pinned it down.

Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead

!#@%$&#@%#$&$&(*$%@#*^%&%$*@!E@#$%^& SCREAMING PAIN SCREAMING PAIN SCREAMING PAIN SCREAMING PAIN SCREAMING PAIN SCREA Where the hell were they? ------ Okay! That entire thing just fuckin wrote itself out, damn. Uh, anyways, here's the actual idea but like more compressed.

Okay so reader gets yoinked by these people who just like to hurt others, and they are targeting the detectives. Reader is put in a winding and very empty place far underground, save for a p bare-bones animatronic that is just an endo-skeleton and electronics. No casing or anything. We will also say that reader can't escape for some reason, just so I can make this work.

So the reader and bot bond, a lot of time passes and they only have each other. Eventually the reader and bot get brought up by the kidnappers who uh, kill the reader. The bot is FURIOUS about this and kinda super kills the rest. Hugging its friend after that.

Unknown to that bot, it had served a specific purpose neither it nor the reader had been aware of. It had been neglected and treated poorly for a reason. This reason being the tormentors didn't want to hurt the the detectives just once, but twice. How? By bringing the reader back to life in the worst way possible.

You see, there was a lot of old but now closed cases about people, especially humans, possessing machinery and in particular animatronics in the right circumstances. These are called the "It's Me" cases as one of the constants in these cases was the dead victim, once taking over the machine saying "it's me" in some form.

The tormentors want to make sure those chances were high by isolating the bot to attach to others too easily. Once lonely enough they locked reader in the maze with them and they bonded, neither aware of the plan behind this. The bot hadn't been told on purpose.

And it worked. The animatronic managed to be close enough that it latched onto the reader and more or less traded their life for its. Or that's my thought on it.

Sun and Moon FINALLY find the reader, now in this animatronic lost and confused. I'm not sure if the reader buried or hid their own body but anyways, they eventually figure out it's reader. Either by the it's me thing or otherwise, or by the reader getting annoying enough to point at their body then themselves. Also I hc that the reader is using ASL to communicate bc of no voicebox. I also thing the detective's nonexistent blood freezes when they realize it, that it really is one of those cases, that this is reality.

Anyways, they bring reader home, them communicating in sign and writing until a voicebox can come in. They are also trying to get casing and other stuff bc it's uhh really fuckin awkward for stand around in the robotic equivalent of naked and with your guts exposes. At some point Sun and Moon have to gravely explain what the It's Me cases are, since they're old at this point and I feel like reader doesn't know everything about them. Wasn't in their interest before this. And uhhh, from there it's a lot of healing and stuff.

Also I think the bot's design is similar to the reader in a sense, good for speed and sneaking. I do imagine it to be tall tho, Also would it just be more mean or awkward if that model of robot was one of the celestial ones with no AI or anything? Like is it awkward if the robot was a DA model (that was never used, just extra parts or idk, you get the idea I hope?) Uh yeah! Here is my really specific Detective AU idea!

There might have been more I'm forgetting but this is already really really long

Oh my gosh, I think you should write a fic!! Also, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I could see this as it's own AU, like, Y/N x Sun/Moon with this established relationship but then tragedy strikes as you described and then Sun and Moon help Y/N adjust to their own death and of course, being an animatronic now, but that doesn't change any of the love between them. In fact, it gets stronger, despite the new trauma and horror, and yes, things are different now in upsetting ways but they're going to get through it, no matter what!

[virtualfreespirit]

Intro: Loneliness

Dear whoever ends up reading this,

Nice to meet you! I'm Naomi, and I'd like to officially welcome you to my personal blog. ☀️

Originally, I had been posting these letter-styled posts using Blogger, and in Spanish because it’s my mother tongue. Then I decided to post them on Tumblr instead, and write them in English because… well, why not?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve redesigned or made major changes to this thing, I’d be having a shopping spree by now.

Anyway, brace yourself for a journey full of my view on diverse topics, explained in the weirdest ways.

So. The day I had first written this particular entry was February 7th, 2023. The word "February" automatically makes me think of Valentine's Day every time, even right now. I mean, we're pretty much bombarded with propaganda surrounding love and common gifts, like chocolates, around that time of the year from the day we're born since the Industrial Revolution, so it makes sense to see it that way, right? You know, like how we associate December with Christmas. Well, unless you don't celebrate it due to religious or cultural differences, of course, but you get the Christian version of the picture.

Ironically, I had been thinking a lot about how lonely life gets once you realize that, after all, you're not just an extension of your mother, but your own individual person. And it's a process most of us don't even remember going through, because we were babies the moment it happened.

My elders used to say something about this along the lines of "you are the only person that will be with you for the rest of your life". Which isn't a bad thing at all, it's actually great news for the self-love industry!

Kidding.

Though, this way of viewing life can get a little sad if you think about it enough. Like, we can't even consider it a fact that our parents, unconditional love and all, will be with us forever in most cases. And I'm not just talking about them passing away before we do, or moving out and far from them. In my own personal experience, for instance, there have been a few times when my mom and I had big fights that convinced me for a week or so that I'd lost her. So, we can't really take anyone for granted, not even the ones who have the responsibility to deal with us.

I may have described a very specific type of case, but it's still a grain of sand in the desert of statistics.

Back to the point, since I share about fifty Facebook memes a week, I can no longer find this one that described how being in your early 20s can get ✨ supalonely ✨, as Benee kindly put it, because your childhood friends become busy with college, work, fitness, relationships, and, well, trying to put their lives together. Or something like that, I have long-term memory issues on top of that.

Never in my life have I been part of a large group of friends to assure you this is completely true, but I've heard that it's normal for those to start going their separate ways during this period due to conflicting schedules, get-togethers that can never take place, falling out of touch, growing apart due to differences, etc., and so most are left with only a third of the people they used to hang out with.

I mean, it's totally valid to drop a relationship with someone that no longer vibes with you as you continue to grow as a person, and there's also people like me who kinda don't like (hate) messenger apps and are difficult to stay in touch with, but if it's so easy for someone to stop talking to you even if it's just to ask how you're doing once a month and leaving it there, I guess you just weren't really destined to be friends.

People can choose to prioritize themselves or other aspects of their lives before us as their friends, which sounds awful, but it's good for them and a part of life, too. Like EXO's D.O. sung, «people come and people go» - literally the only Love Shot lyric I can quote as someone who can't speak Korean yet.

On the other hand… this is more of my biological father’s point of view, but as a man in his 40s that still has solid 10+ year friendships with more than 10 people, I'd believe in him when he says that true friends would never be "too busy" to make plans with you. Then again, he also said humans could healthily live off 5 hours of daily sleep once, regardless that there are actual studies that prove otherwise… sometimes, and only sometimes, I am worried for that man.

As of this year, I'd say I'm in that very situation in which most people you've met sort of moved on past you, and you're no longer aware of what's going on in their lives. There are no more than 10 people I can consider close to me because I don't go out that often - too expensive! -, paired with my eternal problem with messenger apps. And the funniest part is 4 of these potential 10 people are family members, plus my boyfriend, whom I've been living with for a year now so he's technically the only one I speak to daily.

And it's not like making new friends is that easy where I live. Not for me, at least, thanks to being too weird for the average person.

When moving into a new school, a new town, a new anything, it's easy to feel like people just don't want to add any new close friends to their list - and I don't mean the IG ones. I can't be the only one who has experienced fewer instances of making new lasting friends than those where the other person is never the first one to strike a conversation, or straight up ignores me, while I keep making the effort to send them messages every so often to stay in touch, and then one day I stop putting in the work and the other person doesn't even budge. As they say, better alone than in bad company, huh?

The more the latter case happens, it eventually becomes exhausting to be nice to people that most likely will forget all about you as soon as you stop trying to connect with them.

It sounds sappy, but, I don't know, last time I was able to find someone I could have an actual, deep connection with happened when I met one of my two closest friends, Yaris. We met online actually, and hit it off immediately! To a point where we just sort of accepted that the two of us will grow old together along with our common friend, Nin.

Luckily, there still are nice souls out there like my ex-coworker, Angel, who wishes me a Feliz Jueves every Thursday up to this day. I haven't even watched Neon Genesis Evangelion to understand the meme/reference, but appreciate the thought a lot!

Can't blame people for being cautious nowadays, though. I partly understand why someone would be hesitant to welcome a new face into their lives, considering most of us don't really know what others' true intentions are when approaching us, and that I've even insulted people (mostly men) over that - to be fair, you'd be surprised at the amount of dudes in my country sliding into pretty girls' DMs literally only to test their luck with their crappy rizz.

As if it couldn't get any worse, being able to meet a new friend isn't the most challenging part; it's the one that follows, talking. Imagine, maybe both parties do want to get closer to each other, but neither one or the other person knows what to say, or there might not be enough trust between them to tell for sure what can be shared and what not. Ideally, of course, you'd want to avoid that, and get yourself friends you can be your authentic self around and have all sorts of conversations with.

You could say that what ultimately inspired me to expose myself to the endless possibilities of the Internet by sharing my thoughts and feelings online was a combination of my love for writing stuff, my little regard for what people think and a dash of loneliness due to being physically isolated from humans with my dropping out of college and landing a work-from-home job, along with the previously mentioned stuff that's made me less keen on socializing ofc.

I could've used the journal my boyfriend gifted me a while back to do this, or post shorter, almost cryptic versions of these in X (Twitter), but I had always wanted to have a blog very specifically. I just didn't know what to write about up until earlier this year.

Now, Blogger has been an awesome platform to work with, but time constraints require me to opt for one that's more accessible for… well, anyone. So why not create a space here where I can express myself and maybe even find or inspire others that might be feeling the same way?

But yeah, that's the line of thinking that led me to inaugurate a blog with a pen-pal × music playlists theme going on.

I really really hope you enjoy your time here, and can't wait to hear from you one day!

Until next time 🌝

- N

[mayathescientist]

some of my oc x canon musings under the cut, i don't know how to properly introduce this couple so there will be no introduction only insanity

(Tomoe Hōzuki is lana skye's original japanese name) (also this takes place after Umaru got PICd out for mafia connections and is now a mailman, and Tomoe is out of prison and works as a detective again)

tomomaru isn't just "well the same brand of fucked up thing happened to them both so they should be together for that sole reason", its also Umaru's insane devotion and admiration finally being directed at a right person for once, he knows that for sure now, – she's a warrior of justice and truth, strict, firm, deeply thoughtful, commited to getting her ideals right and having no reason to deceive – and now that he knows he won't be serving evil, he is actually more than ready to serve again. just this time it wouldn't be either the "blindly accepting your orders" type of servitude or the "quietly providing you with everything you might need" type of servitude, not the "politely not showing my evergrowing fear and exceeding wish of death at your sleepover so that I don't ruin it" type and not the "stubbornly and covertly trying to get you to finally admit that you're human so that I can finally help you" type. not the "swallowing abuse because of devotion and or admiration" type. not "forever in debt for having you in my life".

his acts of service will be small acts of help just because he can – helping her carry two bags of groceries to her house, holding the door for her, hanging her laundry when he's already over, watching over her house while she's on a trip. his acts of service will be small, silly and effortless things to make her feel cared for – enough to make her happy, not big enough not to scare her – making her favorite tea perfectly after the first few times of having to ask, making tea unprovoked to go along with a conversation, when she's cold or feeling tired, offering her a bite of his taco at the bus stop, knowing she's probably going to refuse, but smiling so genuinely anyway; leaving an envelope with a bar of classy german chocolate in her mailbox once, accompanying it with a silly drawing of his face so that she wouldn't have to worry about who its from. his service will be ready to risk to stay by her side and have her back in a fishy case or carry out small spying missions for her detective needs. it will be him unconditionally supporting her in what she does and stands for and still being able to correct her when she's wrong, because for the first time in his life, his devotion isn't based on fear.

tomomaru is also about perpetual caretakers finally being cared for, the stunned, reluctant acceptance and having to manage gratitude like math and not fall to their feet or walk off without a thank you in embarassment. it's about being two lonely, distrustful, socially isolated people and being able to relax around each other so easily it beats any butterflies in the stomach by a long shot. it's about being conditioned to only be able to express your love through sacrifices or service and your circumstances and secrets forcing you to keep a distance from loved ones, then meeting someone new and not have to do literally anything all that hard to be close to them – it just happens, you don't have to do much to connect, no sacrifices or services – and you end up still doing, because you just want to, because its them.

tomomaru isn't just "well the same brand of fucked up thing happened to them both so they should be together for that sole reason", its also Tomoe's newfound deep respect for a man who doesn't even really understand the severity of the hell he's been through, but he's made it through all these years still intact; his situation is making her wonder if she would have been able to, if she'd have to. and he just shrugs it off as if it was easy – as is if it's not anything to be proud of. she sees so much in him that he doesn't even acknowledge in himself – she sees that he's an amazingly well-educated person, strong-willed and hard-working, spending a sizeable percentage of his life studying for vastly different professions and gaining a thousand more various skills; she sees how well he understands other people and gets along with them, no matter how they approach him or talk to him, dealing much more easily than most people with disdain, condescendence, mockery, being able to help anyone and explain all sorts of things to all sorts of people. she sees how he cares more than anything about helping and not hurting – a true doctor at heart, holding himself to the highest possible moral standard and trying his best to cling on to his purpose through all adversity, surviving another day just to be able to help someone who needs it. she respects it in him immensely, seeing him as one of the most exceptional people in her life, and she wants to make him see just how much meaning he has. even more importantly, she wants him by her side and in her life.

she wants to talk to him, to know him, to keep in touch and think about him at random times throughout her day and smile every time; to get to know him better, to learn him like science, peeling him layer by layer. what does he think about the hunger games? does he believe in free will? what's his favorite weather? what's his warmest memory? does he think its possible to achieve full and ultimate justice? does he think they should try? what does he want for dinner tonight? and after she knows him, she wants him to keep her company. to keep him company. no longer having to talk, sharing a peaceful life, still talking anyway, enamored with each other's worlds. resting quietly together.

[nashibirne]

Gimme Shelter - 6

Sorry, it took me a while to write the next chapter but I was kinda busy. I hope you still want to know how things are going and growing between Henry and Kat. If you like this, please reward me with a comment, reblog or like 💜

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC (Kat Spencer)

Words: ~3.0k

Summary: Henry has to deal with a personal crisis and he finds shelter with his old rugby mate Sam and his sister Kat. She used to be Henry’s best friend a very long time ago. Will they be able to become friends again or maybe even more? Chapter 6: A disruptive factor and The Lonely Hearts Club meets again.

You can find the previous chapters and my other fics on my masterlist!

Warnings: RPF, mention of mental health issues, lots of poetry

Unbeta'ed. English isn't my first language. Mistakes ahead and they're all mine.

Disclaimer: I don’t know the real Henry Cavill or anyone who's related to him in any way, this is pure fiction and nothing more

Credits: Pics for the moodboard from Pinterest. Face claims: Kat = Jennifer Connelly

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added or removed):

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @artandotherdelights @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @liliumdream @enchantedbytomandhenry @greensleeves888 @witcherfan @margauxmargaux07 @radaofrivia @m07belzen @a-little-counter-esperanto @starstruckkittyangel @mary-ann84 @sillyrabbit81

So, enough of the small print...here we go:

**********

As much as Kat enjoyed her time with Henry and the feelings that blossomed between them there was this one disruptive factor called Mel.

When they were sitting on that rock the other day, almost kissing, when they were pouring their hearts out afterwards, it all felt so real, so possible, so tangible but whenever she saw Hen talk to Mel her heart sank and doubt started to nag at her hope. And he not only talked to Mel, he went to her place several times and so Kat went to London for contract negotiations with a publishing house with mixed feelings. 

She wanted to trust Henry who always laughed it off, when Kat asked him about Mel, saying they were just having a neighbourly chat, but she also wasn't willing to be heading for the rocks blindly. She wasn't able to ignore the existence of Mel and the connection between her and the man Kat had fallen for again. 

She missed Henry terribly when she was away though. Five days without him made her realize how close they had grown and how much she enjoyed being around him. Five lonely nights in a hotel bed increased her doubts and her worries, her jealousy and her insecurities. She couldn't stop her mind from creating worst case scenarios of Hen being with Mel. Of Mel seducing him, of Henry having sex with her, falling for the attractive, charming blonde who knew how to enchant a man. She imagined how he got trapped by this woman who'd never tried to hide that she was looking for a new husband, a new provider, after the last one had the audacity to die and leave her with a big, beautiful mansion but not with the amount of money Mel had hoped for. And in all these scenarios Kat was the one who was left behind with a broken heart. Again. 

When she returned to St. Ives on Saturday afternoon she found Lydia working in the garden and Sam in the kitchen, baking bread. Her brother hugged her, leaving handprints of flour on her black shirt.

"How was London?" 

Kat plopped down on a chair with a sigh. "Successful but exhausting. I can't believe that I actually liked living there. The traffic is horrible and all those people and the noise…"

"Good thing you're back in our beautiful, little sanctuary then. We've missed you. Even Darcy came looking for you every day." Sam shoved the loaf of bread he'd just moulded into the oven before he washed his hands and sat down at the table across from his younger sister.

"Really?" An amused smile played on Kat's lips. "And I thought Henry and Kal are all he cares about recently. How's Hen by the way? On the phone he said he's fine?"

"He is, I guess. No more panic attacks as far as I know. He's been in a pretty good mood all week, busy and full of energy."

Sam poured himself a glass of water and offered one to Kat too but she declined with a shake of her head.

"Where is he anyway?"

"At Mel's." 

Kat's expression changed from curious to annoyed in an instant. "Again? What's he doing there?"

"Having a coffee and a chat, I guess," Sam shrugged. "I don't know the details."

Kat rolled her eyes. "Of course not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"Then why do you say it?"

Kat looked at Sam with a frown. "Nevermind."

"No, come on. Spill it. Are you implying I know something I won't tell you?" Sam got a little cross now.

"I'm not implying anything. I just don't understand why he spends so much time at her place and I can hardly believe your old rugby mate hasn't told you." She crossed her arms and gave her brother an expectant look.

"He told me what I've just told you. What do you think they're doing? Having a secret affair?" He let out a snort, laughing just at the thought of Hen and Mel but when he saw the frown on Kat's face it dawned on him. "Wait? That's what you're thinking? That something's going on between them? You're jealous?"

"Does that sound so far-fetched? She tries to dig her nails into every man who seems to be good husband material. She tried it with you and you don't need a crystal ball to know that she's for sure trying it with Hen too. And for the record...I'm worried about him, not jealous." Kat was all worked up now and Sam could easily tell that he'd hit a sore point.

"Henry is not an idiot, Kat. From my own experience I can tell you that Mel is anything but an enigma. I could tell what she's looking for after our first and only date and a man like Hen, who has to deal with gold diggers all the time, will see right through her without problems. There's no need to worry. And no need to be jealous." He grinned at her and Kat made a face. "Did you even listen to me? I've just told you that…"

"That you're not jealous. Yeah...yackety-yack. I know you, sis. You're in love with him. Don't try to deny it." Kat sighed and surrendered with a resigned smile. "Fuck, yeah and I feel like I'm sixteen again, Sammy. Confused and clueless. What is it about him that makes me feel like that? Why does it have to be so damn complicated?"

"It's not complicated. Trust him and listen to your heart."

"It's not that easy."

"No, obviously it's not. So maybe you should just ask him about Mel and work on your trust issues."

"It's not like I haven't asked him about her before. But I guess you're right. I'm gonna try again and talk to him tonight." She gave her brother a nod.

"At the meeting of The Lonely Hearts Club?" Sam winked at her with a grin that made Kat chuckle.

"He's told you about it?"

"Yeah. He's talked about it all week. Running around with piles of books, volumes of poems as far as I could see. Copying entire pages by hand into a notebook. To be honest, I think it's the reason for his good mood."

****

Maybe, Kat thought, or maybe he just enjoys fooling around with Mel.

When Kat climbed up the rope ladder a few hours later she had managed successfully to avoid Henry up to this point. She had spent the rest of the day in her room, brooding over Sam's words, about Henry and Mel for the umpteenth time and about the club meeting of course. She was close to chickening out but she decided to get her shit together and to enjoy the time with Henry on their little stroll down memory lane. And maybe, just maybe, she would even find the courage to ask him about Mel.

"Kat!" Henry flashed her one of those billion dollar smiles when she entered the tree house. "There you are." He hugged her and gave her a look full of relief. "I haven't seen you all afternoon. I was a little worried you'd stand me up." 

"Neighbourly duties?" Kat asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

She gave him a smile and shrugged. "Well, you were not around when I came back…"

"Yeah...I was busy." He grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. 

"Huh?"

"Sam said you went to visit Mel."

"Ah, yes. Yes, I did. You know we have a little chat every once in a while. She's...nice."

"How lovely."

"The room looks great, Hen." 

The awkward silence that fell over the room made them both uncomfortable. The unexpected tension left Henry in a state of insecurity. He'd hoped for an easy time with Kat, some intimate moments to share but the start of the night wasn't very promising. He cleared his throat before giving Kat a goofy smile.

"Shall we begin? I've prepared a little something. A few poems and...yeah." He shrugged helplessly and to his big relief Kat nodded with a smile. "Of course."

It was only then that Kat realized that Henry had decorated the treehouse with loving care. Blankets and cushions on the floor and candles in the corner of the room created a very warm and cozy atmosphere and a huge pile of books showed her that Henry was very well prepared for the first meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club since 1999. 

"Thanks, kitty. Let's sit." He plopped down beside the books, his long legs stretched out and Kat sat down cross-legged next to him, placing a little bluetooth speaker on the floor. "Prepare for some 90s flashback. I picked all the cheesy love songs we listened to non-stop." She started the playlist and soft music filled the air. Henry smiled at her and took a deep breath before he started to speak solemnly in his best statesman's voice.

The way he looked at her took her breath away for a moment, his gaze intense and pleading, he seemed so vulnerable it made her heart miss a beat. She wanted to kiss the insecurity and sadness that crossed his handsome face away but her own doubts made her fight the need to be close to him. Instead she took the notebook he handed her over and opened it. She stared at the name of the poem that was written down in Henry's neat handwriting on the first page. 

"I hereby declare the meeting of The Lonely Hearts Club open. Present are the founding members Katherine Elisabeth Spencer and Henry William Cavill."

Kat couldn't help but chuckle. He was such a dork.

"Would you do me the honor of reciting the first poem, dear kitty?" 

She knew it all too well and yet she'd almost forgotten it existed. Forgotten or repressed, it didn't really matter, she still knew it by heart, since it was the very poem she had read countless times after Henry had broken her heart. The fact that he knew it too, that he'd chosen these verse to be read out loud made her wonder if it was as familiar to him as it was to her. She cleared her throat, closed the book and her eyes and started to recite.

"When we two parted by George Gordon Byron."

She paused and took another deep breath.

"When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted

To sever for years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold

Colder thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this."

Kat flinched slightly when she felt Henry's warm hand in hers. She looked at him and she wasn't surprised when he continued, his voice warm and soothing like thick, golden honey.

"The dew of the morning

Sunk chill on my brow—

It felt like the warning

Of what I feel now.

Thy vows are all broken,

And light is thy fame:

I hear thy name spoken,

And share in its shame."

The game was the same it used to be back in the days at Stowe. They took turns to read the stanza. The only difference was that they were holding hands now. Kat spoke the next words with a steady voice although on the inside she was trembling.

"They name thee before me,

A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o'er me—

Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee,

Who knew thee too well:

Long, long shall I rue thee,

Too deeply to tell."

She smiled at Henry, sensing that he needed her reinsurance for the last paragraph. He returned the smile and went on. 

"In secret we met—

In silence I grieve,

That thy heart could forget,

Thy spirit deceive.

If I should meet thee

After long years,

How should I greet thee?

With silence and tears."

They sat in silence for several minutes, comfortable silence this time, the quiet connecting them in a way words never could.

"I've got another one you might like." Henry said softly after a while. He reluctantly let go of her hand, took the notebook and searched through the pages. "Here it is."

"Bring it on." Kat smiled at him, hardly able to hide the loving feelings that spread inside her chest and her belly. Henry nodded and began.

"My heart leaps up when I behold

A rainbow in the sky:

So was it when my life began;

So is it now I am a man;

So be it when I shall grow old,

Or let me die!

The Child is father of the Man;

And I could wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety."

"That's beautiful, pop." Kat blushed under Henry's smirk when he heard the nickname slip from her lips. "William Wordsworth?" she guessed.

"Yes. I'd never heard of it before, but Mel showed it to me the other day."

Kat's smile faded like a shadow in the dark.

"Oh really, did she? So that's what you're doing when you meet? You read poems to each other?" Her voice had chilled in an instant, her body language switched from open hearted to closed off. Henry was confused by the sudden change of tone.

"Yes, she told me about it when I mentioned that I was looking for romantic poems by british poets. And no, that's not what we usually do."

"And what do you do? Usually?" 

"Nothing special, as I've told you before. And honestly, Kat..it's none of your business anyway."

That felt like a slap in the face to her.

"Right...yeah...you're absolutely right. It's none of my business what you do or who you're fooling around with." Kat got up, tapping off non-existing dirt from her jeans with determined motions that showed how touched and churned up she was.

"Fooling around?" Henry got up too in a hurry, knocking his head on a branch that was part of the treehouse's roof. He cursed before he turned to Kat again. "You can't be serious. You don't really think I f...that I sleep with Mel, do you?"

"I don't know what to think, Henry. You spend so much time with her lately…"

"And I've told you it's harmless and I just visit our neighbour from time to time." He tried to take her hand but Kat took a step back, turning around to stare out of the window with a deep sigh.

"You still don't trust me." His voice was sad now and there was a note of disappointment too. 

"I really want to, Henry. But it's so hard…" Her shoulders were trembling and her soft sobs told him she was crying. He hugged her gently from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. "I know, kitty. And I know that I'm the one to blame for this dilemma. But you have to believe me. There's nothing between me and Mel. I don't fuck her and I'm not interested in her. I only care about you. Okay?" The last words were nothing more than a whisper in her ear, a light breeze of tones that made her want to believe him. She nodded, leaning into his embrace but she wasn't able to give him a proper answer. The truth was she had no answer. She knew she loved him but what she didn't know was if she was going to allow herself to act accordingly. 

"Listen, Kat. This might not be the right time nor place to do this, but I need to ask you something. I'm going to Jersey next week for my mum's 70s birthday and I wonder if you'd want to come with me?"

Kat turned around in his arms abruptly, taken by surprise by his question. He didn't let go of her waist and so she found herself closer than ever to him, his gorgeous face right in front of her. "You want me to go to Jersey with you?" He nodded. "As my plus one. Yes." She freed herself carefully from his embrace. "But…"

"Let me explain." Henry took a step back to give her some space. "My mum invited me months ago and I accepted...of course...but to be honest, I've dreaded that family gathering since day one. All eyes will be on me, everyone's gonna try to wrap me up in cotton wool, walking on eggshells around me, wondering if I'm okay." He sighed and shrugged. "Don't get me wrong. I'm beyond grateful to have a family that is worried about me, loving people who care, but it also stresses me out. Having you by my side would be very helpful and besides that, I would hate to be separated from you again. Those five days last week were long enough, Kat and don't even make me start with the 22 years prior. You have no idea how much I missed you." He gave her a sheepish smile and she couldn't help but return it. "I missed you too, Hen. But I'm really not sure if this is a good idea. Your parents hardly know me."

"Don't be silly. They remember you very well. You spent Christmas 1998 with us. Please don't say you forgot about that...my parents invited you after I spent the summer with your family here in St. Ives."

"Of course I remember that. It was the most lively and jolly Christmas of my childhood. All those people at your parents house, the chatter and singing and goofing about, it was such a stark contrast to Christmas with my family."

"See...you can have that again. A crowded, noisy place, loads of laughter, alcohol, fun and food. When I asked my mum if it's okay to invite you she was so excited, Kat. She'd love to see you again and so would my dad and my brothers. And I'm sure you're gonna like my sisters-in-law and all my nephews and nieces." Kat smiled.

"That sounds good."

"So you're in?"

"I don't know. Where would we stay? At your parent's?"

"No. I always stay at a small cottage near the beach when I visit them. I bought it a few years ago."

Kat started to chew on her lower lip.

"Two bedrooms." Henry added with a wink before making the next try to take her hands. This time she didn't pull back. "Please say yes, Kat. Let's spend some time together. We can stay there for a week or so. When the whole Cavill bunch leaves after the celebration, it will only be you and me and lots of time to...to bond again. So what do you say?"

*******

[earnestly-endlessly]

Hi! I'm wondering if you can make a list of fics where Erik's jewish heritage isn't ignored? I just came across the fact that a lot of authors don't explore this part of him for some reason and i found it kinda upsetting so i'm wondering if you have any recs! I liked "As They Kiss, Consume" and "Who Shall be King Hereafter" by sherwoodfox, in case anyone who's reading this ask is interested in the same topic.

Hi Anon. I'm sorry for taking so long with this list but your request sent me on a wide search for fics that fit with your request. I tried to find a variety of fics where Erik's Jewish heritage is addressed. Some of them aren't necessarily cherik, but most of them are. I hope you enjoy this list.

Mistletoe, Latkes, and Long-Term Revenge Strategies – pocky_slash

Summary: Charles knows that Erik hates working at a department store in the best of times. Being Jewish in a department store during the holiday season is far from the best of times. He does what he can to help.

A Nice Boy (the Family Matters Edition) – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik's not sure whether the problem is that he doesn't want his parents to meet Charles or that he doesn't want Charles to meet his parents. Either way, he never invites Charles to brunch. Why should he? It's not like they're dating.

A Road Trip to Pennsylvania – Aainiouu

Summary: For a year Charles has nurtured the biggest and most embarrassing crush known to man towards Erik. They are friends and roommates and when Erik asks Charles to accompany him to home on Thanksgiving of course Charles goes.

In the Bleak Midwinter – keire_ke

Summary: It is not easy to find out, well into the second decade of the twenty-first century, that your mother arranged a marriage for you. It is even less easy to convince her that you have no interest in the very fertile Magda, she of the wide hips and lustrous auburn hair. Fortunately, with a good friend at his side over the holiday weekend, Erik is sure he will prevail.

Speech Making – phalangine

Summary: Modern Emma AU- Charles Xavier, accomplished matchmaker and headmaster of North America’s preeminent school for mutants, intends to add another notch to his belt: setting up his friend Moira. His oldest friend, Erik, has doubts about this plan.

Charles doesn’t share them.

This is life (and everything’s all right) – pocky_slash

Summary: Edie Lehnsherr came into Charles' life long before he ever heard Erik Lehnsherr's name, and her death left a gaping hole in the lives of everyone in Charles' family. As the first Purim without her approaches, he begins to get creative in his efforts to bring everyone out of their grief. Kitchen creativity, however, is not quite his strength....

Bashert – AvengingAngel

Summary: Erik and Charles meet and fall in love. I wanted to write a story where Erik had a huge family. Pretty fluffy (for me anyways). I suck at summaries.

Note: The summary doesn’t reveal much but if you’re looking for a fic where Erik is jewish and has a large family with a heavy dose of cherik fluff and angst then this one is for you.

Math Reasons – pearl_o,  pocky_slash

Summary: "Mom says Erik always knows what he wants, it just sometimes takes him a little while to actually realize it," Ruth said.

Charles fell in love with Erik the first night they met, the first week of freshman year. Two years of friendship, adventures, arguments, hijinks, secrets, and summer visits later, Erik is starting to catch up.

Ser

It’s kind of our whole things – pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: After two years of best friendship, Charles and Erik thought they knew everything there was to know about each other. They're surprised, then, when their first summer as a couple reveals that they have a lot to learn about each other and themselves.

Sequel to Math Reasons

A Winter in New York – nextraordinaire

Summary: Charles and Erik have been childhood friends for as long as they can remember – Erik, living with his mother in Queens, and Charles in the big mansion in Westchester. For all, expect themselves, it was just natural progression that they'd end up together.

A series of ficlets from the same universe – can be read as separate and are out of chronological order.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside – heyjupiter

Summary: "It's just, this is my first Chanukah away from my parents. And it's--it's like 90 degrees out."

Erik Lehnsherr and Kitty Pryde celebrate a Genoshan Chanukah. It's a little different from the way it used to be in New York, but some unexpected visitors help them embrace the spirit of the holiday season.

Hold Back the Rain (front!strict mashup) – euphorbic

Summary: Charles Xavier: society darling, powerful political activist, well-known professor, and Dominant.

Erik Lehnsherr: anti-social, international motorcycle racer, and defiant submissive.

Erik is at Sepang in Malaysia for the fourteenth leg of the International World Championship. After doing poorly in qualifying, he's furious to find he has to take another VIP around the track instead of meeting Charles at the KL airport.

The Swan – waitfornight

Summary: In 1939 Erik and his sister Ruth are sent to Devonshire, England, during the Kindertransport refugee program to live with Kurt and Sharon Marko as foster children just before the start of World War II. Angry and wishing he could return home on the night of his seventeenth birthday, Erik meets a boy alone in the forest who is cursed to transform each day into a swan, only taking his true form by night.

Swan Lake AU.

The boy with the heart on his sleeve – euphorbic

Summary: Charles loses a high-stakes bet to Raven and is required to get a tattoo. However, when he makes a disparaging remark about the art form, Raven's acerbic mentor, Erik, steps in.

Or, the one where Erik and Raven are tattoo artists.

The Wurst Case Scenario – sareyen

Summary:If anyone asked why Charles, come rain, wind or shine, made the significant trek during his dismal lunch hour to dine at "Edie's Kosher Delicatessen", he would stubbornly say that it was because their pastrami on rye and potato knishes were absolutely to die for. He wasn't completely lying, because the deli's namesake, Edie Lehnsherr, made the best matzah ball soup Charles has ever had in his life. Still, Charles would rather shave his full head of hair off than admit that the real reason he would willingly walk through hail and fire to get to the corner deli was because of Erik, the insanely attractive man working the counter.

Sure, Erik has barely spoken two words to Charles other than "Hello, what can I get you?" or, after the third day in a row that Charles came to the deli, "Welcome back, what can I get you?", but Charles was more than happy to just ogle at the man from afar while devouring the juicy wurst Erik had put together with his (large and very capable) hands.

But, little does Charles know, Erik doesn't usually work the front counter. He only does it when he knows the cute blue-eyed man will be dining in.

This is life (and everything’s all right) – pocky_slash

Summary: Edie Lehnsherr came into Charles' life long before he ever heard Erik Lehnsherr's name, and her death left a gaping hole in the lives of everyone in Charles' family. As the first Purim without her approaches, he begins to get creative in his efforts to bring everyone out of their grief. Kitchen creativity, however, is not quite his strength....

c'est regarder ensemble dans la même direction – melonbutterfly

Summary: Since that day on the beach, Charles and Erik have learned to agree to disagree for the sake of living and working together. Then, for Christmas, and Charles gives Erik Hanukkah back a second time, and their relationship shifts a little further.

Terrible Hanukkah Sweaters and Other Life Challenges – professor

Summary: “Why am I here again?” Erik groans.

“I need you to lift things and glower at people over my shoulder when I tell people that it’s not ‘politically correct’ or a ‘war on Christmas’ to have a non-denominational winter holiday festival,” says Theresa Pryde.

Well, at least those are two things he’s good at.

Shrapnel – librata

Summary: It's late 1940, and tensions between the Axis and the Allies are tightening. Displaced and alone, 16-year-old German Jew Erik Lehnsherr finds himself employed as a servant by some snobby, terrible family in England whose house is far too big and whose money never seems to end. The worst part is, he isn't just mucking stables or cleaning plates–-he's tasked with tending to the whiny, disabled son named Charles, who might just drive Erik into absolute madness.

Or, the World War II fic in which Erik and Charles experience a changing world and a lot of teen angst.

Defying Expectations – Baamon5evr

Summary: Charles and Erik meet each other’s family. Neither of them gets what they expect.

table for three – pocky_slash

Summary: Erik should have known to call ahead to the Chinese restaurant--it's Christmas Eve and he lives in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood, after all. But before he can go home to mourn the loss of another one of his mother's yearly traditions, he's accosted by a teenage girl with a strange proposition--that he should stay and have dinner with her and her mother, instead.

different from all other nights – metonymy

Summary: "This year we are slaves; next year we will be free." Kitty and Erik host a seder for Passover at the Xavier School.

Libertad – ariadnes_string

Summary: Erik knew the look, had seen it his whole life, even before the war.  ”You, with your height and blue eyes and straight nose, you can pass. You can be free of us. You are not marked with your difference.” If you only knew, he’d thought then. He thought the same thing now. And it was that thought, as much as anything, that made him move towards the gate.

Wash Away – sebastian2017

Summary: One quiet, lonely morning, before Yom Kippur, Erik makes his way to the sea in search of forgiveness.

After? There is No ‘After’ – Unrepentant_Marvelist

Summary: Erik knows what he is for. He has known his responsibilities as a survivor since the moment he woke under a scratchy, lice-infested blanket in the Red Army hospital. His world is painted in lucid blacks and whites (so often splashed in red) and there is no room for uncertainty or indecision... until a certain sunburned Englishman throws himself into his world.

The Children of an Idle Brain – Margo_Kim

Summary: Sometimes, when he’s lucky, Schmidt can’t hurt him. It’s like there’s a room inside of Erik’s head that’s he’s usually locked out of, that won’t open no matter if he beats himself bloody against it. On those days, he endures. But sometimes—and Erik doesn’t know why, whether it’s that the stars align or some higher power takes pity or Erik screams loud enough to earn his reward—the door opens. Erik can duck inside and slam it behind him and watches himself through the windows as Schmidt slowly, methodically tortures him to strength.

These days, this past week, there’s a boy in the room with him and he tells Erik, “That’s horrible,” like that means something.

Somehow, across the world, Erik's and Charles' minds touch when they need each other most. They can't be sure that the other boy is real. They suspect that he is not. But that doesn't mean they aren't each other's lifeline until they lose each other and then for a while longer.

Tehillim – kvikindi

Summary: Erik, in Israel, afterwards: another life he could have had. If.

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) – childishinquiry

Summary: Erik has worn long sleeves his whole life, even before they had to wear yellow stars. Marching along his arm, in neat, black, English letters, are the words "My name's Charles Xavier."

Precious Few Years – sherwoodfox

Summary: Erik and Charles (known only to each other by the letters inscribed on their wrists) are meant to be together, soulmates, destined for the most powerful kind of love and connection a human being can experience.

But they are separated in almost every possible way- by distance, by circumstance, by language, by war. Their chances of success- of finding one another in the labyrinth of the world- are very slim. There is a reason why most people never find their soulmates.

But of course, Charles and Erik aren't ordinary children-

They have their gifts.

[catzula]

It’s hard NOT to be a fangirl (especially when the setter is Oikawa Tooru)

A/N: is it evident how much in love I am with this man? I cried at his backstory, I did that. Well, uh, hope you enjoy! And I have a mountain of hw and exams coming up so I might not be able to write something so thats that.

Warnings: spoilers!!! For the spring tournament so beware. Cursing? 5.9k? Oikawa crying in the end? Its NOT angst tho. Also not edited cuz its 1 am

Genre: fluff, Iwaizumi's sister!reader

Synopsis: maybe confusing you with a fangirl wasn't exactly starting off the right foot, but Oikawa thought the stranger that sat with him till the beginning of his next match was... quite charming.

Oikawa might've been many, many things, but he was not a coward.

Most of the time, at least.

Whenever it was his feelings he had to be brave about, he never succeeded, especially not when they were towards you. You, who laughed and stood with him, never across but always beside him. Oikawa couldn't afford to be brave.

It was the first day of the Interhigh matches when he had met you. To say Oikawa was having a bad day would be an underestimation. He got dumped by his girlfriend that very day, right before his match, and brutally ripped out of the soft, consoling presence of his fans by Iwaizumi. He just wanted to be fawned over and comforted, maybe eat a snack or two while he was at it, but he didn't even get to do that?

"Stop pouting, Shittykawa." Iwaizumi muttered when Oikawa made an exaggerated 'hmph!' sound for the 20th time the last 5 minutes. "We need to go to the gym, and you need to focus."

"You need to focus too!" Oikawa protested, "but look at you getting ready to go to a date- hey, agh!" Holding the back of his head, Oikawa pouted even deeper this time. "You didn't need to hit me!" Oikawa whisper-yelled.

"I told you to shut the fuck up. Hold your tongue if you don't want to get beaten." Iwaizumi whispered angrily, sending a side glance at his coach to try and see if he had heard stupid Oikawa. Iwaizumi took a breath of relief when the coach didn't even look his way.

"We're gonna sit in the back stands so coach won't be able to see us. You can still watch the game from there, too." Iwaizumi finally spoke after they arrived in the gym, eyes scanning the room to find the perfect hiding place.

"You mean I am gonna sit in the back stands, all alone, cold and freshly dumped." Oikawa frowned, his frown only growing deeper when his best friend rolled his eyes. "Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong! As you go on your marry way with your girlfriend, I will be sitting here alone and wallow in my sadness for what... 6 hours?!"

Iwaizumi clenched his teeth, knowing Oikawa had a point. Sighing, he rubbed his temples. "Look, fuck, I'm sorry, okay? Should I tell her I can't come?" He asked gruffly, and despite all his brutality and harsh words, Oikawa knew he would do it if he said the word. "Nah, it's okay. Have fun in your date!" Oikawa answered, earning a baffled glare from the boy. 

"Then why the fuck have you been guilt tripping me the past hour?"

"I'm lonely, Iwa-chan! I want attention." Oikawa grinned, professionally avoiding the slap coming his way, his grin growing even wider when Iwaizumi pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. " I wonder how I didn't murder you already. Anyway, settle there, and don't move anywhere until the match. And I mean, anywhere, no visiting your fans, looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror, taking selfies before the windows, nothing."

"Okay, okay, I'm not dumb!" Oikawa whined as he threw his gym bag on the free seats. "Say hi to her for me, Iwa-chan!" He called after his best friend. 

~~~

It had been almost an hour since Iwa had left, and Oikawa was losing his mind. Why did he agree to this again? He wanted to sit with the rest of his team, that sat across the court but Iwaizumi had told him not to move anywhere (and Oikawa was still a bit hurt at how grateful they seemed when Iwa had told them Oikawa would be sitting separately), so he had opted to social media. 

Oikawa wasn't aware of someone else entering the secret back stands and getting closer to him as he watched a short compilation of cat videos. "Oikawa-kun?" You approached him, hiding your snicker when he jumped in his place to look at you. He was quick to hide his shock, a mask of smugness quickly finding its place on his pretty face. 

"That's me." He smiled, his chocolate eyes scanning you and meeting your eyes back quickly. He watched as you sat a seat away from him, close but not approachable. He quirked his brow when you stood quiet, holding your phone a little too tightly. A shy fan, how sweet, he thought, smirking as he turned your way. He had an idea of what you wanted.

"Did you, perhaps, want a photo? I might not look as I normally would, though." Oikawa suggested, going by how you held your phone, checking the time every once in a while, you wanted a picture. His brows raised when you didn't say a word but bit your lip as if holding in a smile.

"That's your que to say 'no, Oikawa-kun, you look amazing!" He told you, not expecting your laugh to ring in his ears, baffled both by how sudden and how pretty the sound was. "No, you do look tired, actually." You finally answered, earning a gasp from the boy across you. 

"Oh, to think I was going to see the days of my fans calling me tired-looking and ugly!" He dramatically brought his hand to his face, peeking through his fingers to see what you were going to do. You should at least deny he looked ugly, he thought, but his eyes grew wide when you chuckled. Now you were just rude! Did he really look that bad?

"Sorry, I'm not a fan." You pressed your lips in an apologetic smile, trying to hold it sorry and not smug when you spotted the blush on his cheeks. "Oh- I thought..." He cleared his throat to hide the embarrassment. "Most of the pretty girls like you who aproach me are my fans, so I just assumed." He spoke when he finally managed to find back his high-toned, flirty persona.

"That crowd of groupies in the entrance should belong to you, too, then?" You teased, not expecting him to answer yes, bursting into laughter with the unexpected positive answer.

"I kind of have to ask, though, if you're not my fan, why did you approach me, calling my name?" He seemed nonchalant as if he was used to that, but you had to admit it was a bit creepy.

"Oh, Haji- Iwaizumi sent me." You corrected yourself when you remembered how your brother had told you not to tell Oikawa you were siblings (he had warned you about how flirtatious Oikawa could get, and he might see it as a challenge if he figured you were his best friend's sibling. You didn't think it was true, they were best friends after all, but it was better to be cautious anyway.

"Iwa-chan? Ah, so he does care after all!" Oikawa blurted out, his words reminding how your brother had sent you here and how it was something way different than caring. "Well, he did want me to make sure you didn't leave here or call your ex. Heard you had some... problems."

"Cold as a stone, as always." He sighed, and you chuckled. "Can't exactly call it a problem, but being dumped isn't the best feeling in the world." He shrugged, taking a sip out of his water before flashing you a charming smile. Your brows furrowed when he admitted he was dumped, of course, Hajime had already told you that, but judging the boy by his looks, his nonchalant acts, and everything your brother had told to warn you, you hadn't expected him to admit that, especially not to a stranger. 

"Well, uh, that sucks." You answered awkwardly, not knowing how to approach the situation. "I'm sorry about that."

"Its okay, as it was bound to happen, anyway. Our relationship wasn't exactly sailing smoothly." He shrugged, but it was evident he was a bit broken about it. "I- uh, I'm not the person people would come for advice in these kind of situations, but I can... listen?"

You felt something warm blooming in your chest when his gaze locked on you, chocolate brown eyes the prettiest you've ever seen, but the surprised, almost grateful look was what made you feel that way. Did he only want someone to listen?

"It's okay, I don't want to burden you with my stupid problems." He chuckled, pulling his playful nature back on the surface. "I don't even know your name."

"Oh, shit, you're right!" You laughed when you realized you hadn't even told him your name but had offered a shoulder to cry on. "I'm Y/N, nice to meet you." You stuck your hand out, his warm (big-) hand gripping yours and causing that warm feeling that was in your chest to spread even more.

"Y/N-chan, it's very nice to meet you." He winked. "So, what is your relationship with our dearest Iwa-chan?"

"Oh- well, uh... you could say he sees me as a sister." You shrugged, not expecting him to pout sympathetically. "Oh no, sibling-zoned? That's harsh, man."

"No it's- hey, you have no right to pity me, you're the one freshly dumped!"

"Hitting low, are we?" He laughed, making you laugh with him. "You look like you're gonna die if you don't ask me how we broke up." He sighed after a second, although he still had a playful smirk. "I guess I have to tell you." He sighed one more time. "We're stuck here for at least 5 hours, anyway."

~~~

"Here you go, a granola bar. Are you sure you didn't want anything else?" You tossed the granola bar to Oikawa, who had his legs on the seats in front of him, making himself comfortable in the uncomfortable seats.

"Yeah, that's enough. Thank you, Y/N-chan." He smiled cheekily, opening the packet with his teeth. "The match is in about an hour, anyway, I shouldn't eat much."

"Sure, whatever you say. Well you were talking about a new player before I left."

"Before your stomach started to scream, you mean." He laughed, and you found yourself watching the smile. These past few hours had flown by so quickly that it almost felt like barely an hour. Oikawa was easy to talk to, and you always found something new to talk about, laughing almost at everything he said. He was really charming, and the confidence that oozed out of every move he did, every word he spoke was attractive, you had to admit.

But as much of a smug player he could be, he often acted childish, too, especially when he talked about a certain Kouhei of his did you see the childlike jealousy and competitiveness clearly. Though despite that, he would have a fond, soft look in his eyes whenever he talked about his teammates, making you feel almost jealous at how affectionate he looked about them.

You knew he was charming and flirtatious, your brother had warned you not to get close because he could and would have you falling for him in no time, but you had underestimated him. You had thought he was acting overly cautious as always, but apparently not.

You saw him checking his phone for a new message. "I gotta go warm up now." He told you as he stood up, the playful glint in his eyes not being missed by you. "I trust you'll watch and cheer for me, right, Y/N-chan?" His smirk was self-satisfied, already knowing the answer, but you didn't want to give him the pleasure. "I'd rather cheer for the ace, actually, much cooler than a setter."

Another dramatic gasp came from the proud setter, making you laugh. "How dare you! Setters are much cooler than aces, I'll have you know. I'll prove it in this match, too." He leaned towards you, and although you already knew how long he was, having him towering over you like this sent goosebumps down your spine. "I'll prove it, just make sure you watch closely." 

~~~

"So, was I right or was I right?" Your phone chimed with a new message, and you instantly knew who it was that sent the message. You opened Instagram, accepting the message request. 

"I couldn't tell since I was watching the ace the whole time, didn't have the chance to see if you were cooler." You texted back, almost able to see the pout forming on his lips on the other side of the screen. It was a lie, too. The moment you saw his serve, you were unable to take your eyes off him. He looked like a different person on the court. It was almost scary, how focused he suddenly became the moment he grabbed the ball, how he was aware of everything that was happening around him, developing strategies half you didn't even understand and it was terrifyingly beautiful, you had to admit. 

"Mean! And I had played exceptionally well just because you were watching :(" You giggled at the text, not noticing how your brother's eyes were narrowed and turned to you instead of the TikToks his girlfriend had sent him. "Who are you talking to?"

"Hm?" You flinched, so concentrated on your phone, you had forgotten your brother was there, too. "Oh, no one. My friend sent me a meme." You stared back at your brother, who was still watching you with narrowed eyes, waiting for you to crack, but you didn't. He nodded curtly, and though he could've pursued it further if not for his phone starting to buzz, the name of his girlfriend appearing on the screen. 

"Gotta take this." He told you, standing up and making his way to his room. "Don't stay up late texting." He told you as a warning. 

You wished you had taken your brother's advice the next morning when he came in to wake you up. You had texted Oikawa for hours into the night, only stopping when you fell asleep mid-conversation.

"Y/N, I need you to come to the sport center again, today." Hajime told you as you were brushing your teeth, and he was putting gel in his hair to make it look like his signature spiky style. "Again?" You rolled your eyes, earning a soft slap on your head from your brother. 

"Don't talk with your mouth full, and don't roll your eyes at me."

"I'll do whatever I- Ow! Okay, okay, I'll be there!" You muttered angrily, but a part of you, the smallest part of you, wasn't as angry as you showed him to be. 

~~~

You were there before him, this time. It had been almost 10 minutes since you had arrived, but Oikawa was nowhere to be seen (and you got ready especially neatly this time! What a shame). You sighed, opening your phone to text Hajime Oikawa wasn't here just as you felt a pair of warm hands closing your eyes from your back. 

"Quick, tell me the coolest volleyball position!"

"Ace!" You answered and heard his exaggerated sigh. "No, Y/N-chan, I thought we clarified this yesterday!"

"I never admitted to it, though." You told him with a sly smile, causing his fake anger and annoyance to fall and a laugh to breakthrough. "Clever little Y/N-chan." He muttered, plopping down to the seat next to you. 

"You look tired." You remarked, making him gasp. "And whose fault is that? You fell asleep! I waited an hour for you to write back, thinking you had something else to do." He frowned, making you chuckle.

"I take none of the blame, you talk too much." You teased.

"Only with people I like." He shot back, catching you off guard and making your eyes widen. "Ah, finally, I won this round!" He cheered. "You, on the other hand, look especially nice today, madame."

"Thank you, kind sir, I got a good night sleep, unlike you." You smiled cheekily, and he was about to answer before loud cheering filled the room and made you wince. You noticed how almost everyone was on their feet, watching the game closely.

"What's going on?" You asked the boy sitting next to you, now also watching the game with a Cheshire cat smirk.

"Karasuno's game started." He answered without taking his eyes off the game. "It was the freakish quick they used just then that caused the cheering."

"The freakish quick?" You repeated. 

"Yeah, watch." He told you, sounding excited and annoyed at the same time. You turned your eyes to where he was pointing at, a short, ginger boy. Your brows furrowed, trying to understand just why- 

"Oh, shit." You gaped when the boy flew over the court in mere seconds. The ball was on the other side of the net in almost less than a second, and it took you a moment to realize they had just made a spike.

"Oh shit, indeed," Oikawa answered, his smirk still on his lips, but his eyes weren't looking humored. "That little bastard, he had to be this fucking talented." He muttered, speaking almost to himself. 

"You don't look worried, though." You smiled. "There is no reason for me to be worried." He smirked proudly in answer, although it had a slight waver to it. "I'm much better than him as a setter. What worries me is the team itself."

"Are they that good? You looked much better in the match yesterday."

"Ah, I knew you were watching me, Y/N-chan! I'm too pretty not to look at." He swiped a soft-looking lock of hair out of his face with a playful smile. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." You muttered, hiding your embarrassment from him by turning back to the game. "See him, the short boy in the back, he's the libero." Oikawa told you, getting slightly closer to explain, and you would've understood it if it wasn't for how close he was all of a sudden. "He's one of the best I've seen, actually."

"W-what makes him so special?" You asked, turning your eyes back to the game from his pretty face (as if he wasn't handsome enough, he also had a good side profile?!) "That." he answered, his eyes glinting with something you could say awe. You turned back to the boy who leaped to the ground after the ball, his hand sliding over the surface and sending the ball straight up. "His reflexes are unbeleivable, and he's fast and smart, like the rest of his team." He explained further, not aware of how focused he suddenly was, and it was clear he was passionate about the sport. You had never understood why your brother felt devastated after a lost game, or why he was cheering on the top of his lungs, sometimes pushing himself so hard in training that he passed out, coming home late almost every day because of his practice.

But seeing Oikawa watch the game, seeing him in the game, you felt like you could understand what it was. You could never grasp the feeling, but you could understand what it was. And it was infuriating, made you jealous, and you couldn't understand why, but it also amazed you, making you yearn for the strange feeling.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must be boring you to death." He realized, bringing his hand to scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment, cheeks flushing slightly after talking for almost an hour about everything going in the game, explaining them all in detail. 

"No, no its fine!" You answered, laughing at his flushed face. It was funny how he was a charming, devilish, smart, and manipulative guy at one second and a volleyball geek the other. "It helps me appreciate the game better." You shrugged, not aware of how his eyes glinted with your answer. "But don't you think I realized how you're overlooking everything the setter does. You didn't say anything about him."

"What, you're interested in him?" He pouted, causing you to laugh. 

"I didn't say I was interested, I'm just telling you you're ignoring him!" You protested after your laugh, but he still had a frown. "Sounds like you're interested, to me."

"No! Okay, okay, keep ignoring him, then. But don't think I missed the jelaousy-" You couldn't finish your sentence because of a sudden hand closing on your lips. "Nope, we don't say that here." He whispered, and somehow, you were able to hear him despite the loud cheering, the crowd, and the loud thumps of your heart.

"What, saying you're jealous?" You spoke beneath his fingers, noticing how his smirk grew wider and cheeks flushing pinker.

"Yep, let's not repeat that and I'll take my hand off you." He waited a few seconds as you stood silent, removing his hand, still having a suspicious look in his eyes. "Good girl." He told you, causing your eyes to widen and shout a protest. "O-oikawa! What the fuck?!"

"What, I didn't mean anything?" He answered innocently, but there was still a smirk on his lips. "Well, okay, I'll tell you about him if you're so curious." He sighed.

"As I said before, he's my Kouhei." You nodded for him to go on. "He's... talented. Very talented. A genius, actually." He laughed uncomfortably. "He's not on my level yet, but his talent... it even makes up for it and I hate to see how despite all my days I spent training, he's still better than me easily."

"I- oh." You muttered, not expecting something like this, especially for him to admit someone else was better than him and will always be better than him.

"Tomorrow we're playing with them." He told you, and despite the forced smile, you could see how he clenched his teeth. "I can't- I won't lose to him."

"You won't." You agreed.

"I'll fight as hard as I can but we won't lose to them. I'll fight Shiratorizawa, I'll play against Ushiwaka and show him, prove him I did the right thing by choosing Seijoh and not his dumb school." He looked determined, eyes glinting with such determination that even though you had no idea what he was saying at that point, you wanted to agree and cheer him on.

"You will." You agreed once again, causing him to smile. "I'm sorry, I think I'm just a bit stressed."

You smiled, shrugging as if to say it's nothing. "No, no problem, I understand what you mean. It must be nerve-wracking."

"Well, it is."

"I'm horrible at advice, but uh, want me to show you what I do when I'm stressed? Like before exams and stuff. It might help." You smiled, extending your hand out to show him, not expecting him to do the same, and hold your hand like a handshake.

"You're right, that does help." He grinned, shaking your hand and making you burst into laughter. "That wasn't what I was going to do!"

"Oh, it wasn't? Still helped, though!" He told you innocently, teasing you even more. "C'mon, stick your hand out like this." You giggled.

"Now start drawing-" you told him, focusing on drawing shapes and letters in his hand. He was going to say a snarky remark at how that wasn't how it went, but Oikawa couldn't bring himself to stop you from doing whatever you were doing as he watched you focus on his hand, fingers running over his calloused ones, the tip of your tongue sticking out from the corner of your mouth without realizing, and every move of your finger sent goosebumps down his body.

Noticing you had lost yourself in thought, absent-mindedly going on drawing on his hand for a good few minutes, you raised your eyes to meet his brown ones. "Does that... help?"

"It- uh, it does. I'll need you to do this before the game tomorrow, too, though." He smirked playfully, his hand closing on yours just as he said it. "Well, I'm glad I could help." You shrugged, trying to hide how embarrassed you were. You could tell he already knew how you were feeling by the smile on his lips, but instead of teasing you about it, he turned to the game without letting your hand go, smiling even wider when you didn't pull it, either.

~~~

"You guys were great at the game today." You texted Oikawa that night, not sure whether he would answer, though your thoughts disappeared when he texted back instantly. 

"It must be your doing." He wrote, sending a picture of him doing the peace sign right after. 

"I don't think I can come early tomorrow, though. I won't be able to do it again. Are you ready for the game tomorrow?"

"Oh no, how could you? I can never overcome the stress now. Will you let me call you if I say I'm not ready?" He texted back, making you chuckle. 

"Just this once."

Your phone started ringing right after, a 'yahoo' greeting you when you picked it up.

"Hi, Oikawa-kun."

"Are you free?" He asked, and you shrugged as if he was across you and not on the other side of the phone. "I was getting ready to bed."

"Thinking of me before bed, you must have a crush on me, Y/N-chan." He chuckled, somehow still able to tease you through the phone. "Hey, I-"

"No, actually, don't answer that." He stopped you. "I had something else in mind when I called you, but you cute voice is too distracting." He sighed. 

"Oh." You answered, making him laugh, his laugh ringing in your ears. 

"Yeah, well... I was wondering, I mean after the match tomorrow." He cleared his throat. "No, actually, will you cheer for me tomorrow?" He finally asked, and you could tell he was holding his breath.

"Cheer for you?" You repeated.

"Yeah, only- only for me." He spoke, this time merely a whisper. "I mean, of course you cheer for me, everyone does because I'm that-"

"Yes, Oikawa." You laughed and cut his self appreciating ramble off. "I'll cheer for you, and only you."

"Y-you will? Well then, maybe you'll accept my offer to perhaps grab a coffee or something after the game? To make up for not being there with me tomorrow?" You were trying to stifle a laugh at how unsmooth he was despite his reputation when he spoke again. "Am I- am I pushing it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." 

"No, you're not making me uncomfortable!" You protested quickly, already aware of how dramatic he could get. "I'm just, well, surprised. But yes, I'd like to grab a coffee with you. Anywhere but those god awful stands, actually." You chuckled, hearing the relieved breathe coming from his side of the line. 

"Well, if that's settled," he spoke, and you could hear the smile in his voice. "Tell me, Y/N-chan, what's your favorite color?"

Wow, you thought, he really sucked at flirting. 

~~~

"I'm here." You texted both your brother and Oikawa. It was merely minutes away from the start of the game, all because of a dumb chemistry quiz you had at school. You finally found a free seat when you noticed they were done warming up and were getting ready.

"Good, we're about to start the game. I'll probably meet my gf after the game, so don't start crying if you don't see me." Was the first text you got, rolling your eyes at how much of an idiot your brother was. "Yeah, whatever, not like I'm here to see you." You texted back, noticing how his head perked up when he read the text, eyes scanning the seats to find you as he texted a "WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!"

"Wish me luck, Y/N-chan, just remember your promise to cheer for me ;p" Oikawa texted back, also raising his head to search you in the crowd, but he was successful at finding you, eyes locking for a second, of course, he sent a playful wink at you.

The game started after that, and you could swear you were losing years of your life with each given and taken points. You had screamed at the top of your lungs at one point, so worked up, you sometimes forgot what was happening.

"Oikawa, good serve!" You screamed (he had told you to say that when he was serving the day before, and you could see it immediately brought a smile on his lips). 

The third set was the worst, you thought. No one ever got to widen the point gap, always one of them at match point, points being given and being taken, and you were sure you were going to lose your mind if they-

You watched as Oikawa ran to receive a ball, running so fast that he was unable to stop himself from crashing into the table, falling on his bad knee that you could only imagine how much it hurt, but not before pointing at Hajime, your brother, the ace. He set an incredible ball for him, incredible even for someone like you who didn't know anything other than the basics about volleyball.

You could feel tears swelling in your eyes as he tumbled into the table, pulling himself back up almost immediately and limping back towards the court.

He was... he was determined to win. 

But he couldn't.

You watched as Oikawa tried to receive the ball flying towards him and failed. You couldn't watch when he realized he failed. He lost. But he was still there to make his teammates gather for the lineup, patting them on the back to cheer them up, thanking the crowd, but his face was down, helping his teammates collect themselves back, your brother too when he was also devastated inside.

Still, Oikawa managed to hold it all in, unlike your brother and most of the team that was crying. You couldn't hide your disappointment in, either, eyes already wet with tears because you thought they were going to win, and they thought they were going to win too, and seeing Oikawa like this, it hurt. You watched them as they left the court, your eyes following the brunette who had separated himself from the rest of the team, going somewhere else with a quick pace. 

You rose to your feet without even realizing it, running after him without thinking what to say or to do, but you just wanted to be there, and you were so focused on finding him that you hadn't realized Hajime following his friend or rather, you, either. 

You were about to enter the room Oikawa had entered a minute before you when someone held you by the arm and pulled you back. "Y/N, don't." Your brother warned you, and maybe you should've listened since they were friends for years. "It's not- you shouldn't go in, not right now. Give him time." 

He sighed when you freed your arm from his grip. "He wouldn't want you to-" the door shut in his face, and he only got a glimpse of his best friend's tear-stricken face, "-see him like that." Iwaizumi finished his sentence as a whisper to himself.

You thought this might've been a bad idea the moment you entered the room. "O-oikawa?"

"What are you doing here?" You heard him say, the room dim-litted, making it near impossible to see his expression, but something in you told you, you didn't want to. "I'm- well, I'm here to see if you're okay-"

"Get out." You heard him say, merely a whisper but still there. "I don't want you to see me like this, stop looking at me! I don't want to see the same pity I see at everyone else's face, pitying me for losing to my own Kouhei and-" His voice getting higher and higher with each word, he was almost screaming the last few words. So you hugged him, you didn't know what led you to do so, was it instinct to relieve his tension? You didn't know, but it still worked, you noticed. 

His stiff muscles started to relax with the sudden contact, and though he stood as still as a stone, not hugging you back, you didn't feel rejected. "Shh, I know." You whispered, breathe brushing over his skin and sending goosebumps down his spine. 

"We lost." He whispered, a sob finding its way out of his lips. His arms came up, hugging and pulling you to himself, almost as if he tried to swallow you whole, burying his face to your hair. He was big, much bigger than you, for sure, so the sobs that shook him shook you, too, but you didn't mind. 

"We lost." He sobbed again, and again, and again and again. It took him a while to let it all out, but he felt better when he did. His arms were still around you when his cries had died, your scent affecting him to relax.

"Thank you." You heard him whisper as he pulled back, not looking in your eyes once. "Of- of course." You shrugged, feeling somewhat awkward as he wiped his face with a tissue. 

"Well," he spoke, looking in your eyes for the first time for what felt like hours, "that's me. The Oikawa Tooru. Now you know me better than almost anyone else." He shrugged, trying to sound and look indifferent but failing miserably. His voice and his hands shaking, eyes looking at you with almost fear.

"Are you going to leave now?"

"Leave?" You repeated. 

He shrugged. "Now that you've seen I'm not the clever captain or the charming playboy, but a- an insecure, jealous man, who is now also a failure, are you going to leave?"

"Oikawa," you whispered, noticing he was more insecure than he let on. "Just because you are more than what you look like, it doesn't cancel the others. You're still the smart, cunning, and amazing captain, the charming flirt who made me fall for him in mere days, and the man who lost a match with a point. A man, striving to be better than everyone else, with goals and a purpose in life. I don't think I could leave you for having a purpose in life." You chuckled. 

"Well, that of course if you-" Before you got to finish, you felt pressure on your lips, stopping you from talking. It was his soft lips, this time, making you silent. It was a soft kiss, his hand cupping your cheek and pulling your face towards his, his lips were almost brushing yours, but it still felt heavenly. 

"I think we should go before your brother marches in and kills us both." He whispered to your lips with a sly smile. "Yeah, I think you're- wait, you knew he was my brother?!" You exclaimed, making him chuckle.

"Of course I did, who do you take me for? I am the clever captain of Seijoh, I knew it the moment you told me you were like a sister to him."

"Well, the clever captain of Seijoh, use your brain to find us another way out but the door, since I'm pretty sure Haji is guarding it." 

"Ah, I have the perfect idea." He snickered, picking up his phone, and entering the name of Hajime's girlfriend.

"Tooru, where are you, are you okay, do you-"

"Hey, hey, I'm alright, I just need a favor." Oikawa whispered into the phone. "I'm stuck inside a room, and the door is being guarded by Iwa-chan whose waiting to kill me, so please get him out of here?"

"Tooru, are you with a girl?" You heard the voice screaming on the other end of the line, making you both wince. "Please just help me just this once?" 

You heard her sigh. "Okay, okay, hang in there." She closed the phone, and it took only two seconds for your brother's phone to ring.

You were in awe when Hajime suddenly screamed, "What?! Whose checking you out? I'm fucking coming baby, don't move anywhere." sprinting down the hall.

"You're a magician." 

"I'm amazing." He muttered right before leaning in for yet another kiss, smiling against your soft lips.

[thetuesdaycatchup]

twenty twenty-two

i think tonight i wanted to just reflect and admire where i am. it is insanely easy for me to get in my head and discredit myself for the intense progress and growth i've experienced, within the last year but also throughout life as a whole. this past year was insane for me. in january i had plans to drop out of college as opposed to going in person. i took a leap of faith and went. february was filled with meeting new friends and lots of partying, which continued into march. april and may i grew closer and closer to my friends and put my academics first. in june i was actually sad to be away from school and away from my friends... a reality i would have never expected just five months prior. july was rough. i gave into the hookup scene (queue kacey musgraves) more than i ever wanted to and in turn, my mental health plummeted. thankfully by august i was able to pull myself out of that dark and lonely place. september was alright. being back with friends was great and the parties were awesome. along with this, it was finally a "normal" semester at college beginning. in the end of september, i again gave into the hookup culture and ... surprise surprise... my mental health plummeted. i stayed this way all throughout october as well. on halloween i decided i needed to make a change. i couldn't just sit around and wait for happiness to find me. i had to make positive changes to my life in order to feel better. so i cut off my hookup, paused my use of snapchat, stopped posting for the validation of men, limited contact with friends who make me feel like dogshit, and prioritized my academia. november was one of the best months in a long time. my mental heath exponentially improved. going home for thanksgiving was everything i needed and was a taste of what winter break had in store for me. december was fine! my mental health plateaued but in a very positive spot, so i wasn't complaining. being home was so utterly refreshing and the holidays were great. 15 full days in and i can already tell that 2022 is going to be the best year yet. i'm so eternally grateful for the hard times, because through them i've found so many little things that boost my mental health, i know that routine keeps me stable, i know who grounds me and who makes me feel unhinged, i know activities to avoid for overstimulation, i know how to just slow down... prioritize my tasks... and give myself the necessary TLC it takes to stabilize again. this year is going to be full of such amazing and beautiful things. hopefully this wave of covid passes and perhaps we will embark on a life where it isn't the forefront of our concerns (we are definitely moving in that direction so fingers are crossed). i'm excited to deepen my friendships this semester, obtain good grades and improve my gpa, relax and make money this summer, and then move to italy in august. one last thought i've been having is that it's just so eye-opening to me to see how people approach situations such as a new year. i hear some people say "this year is gonna be awful i have no hope/expectation" like ew is that not sad to anyone else?! YOU are in control of your own year. i mean yeah there are outside factors but you make of your year what YOU want to. it is so much more powerful to say like "i will do my best this year and make it the best year yet"... anyways im rambling. peace.

- C<3

[justrandomselfships]

Little steps- my self insert Fic (S/I POV) with a bunch of silly illustrations! Oh did I mention that this involves Kaeya? Well he's the main focus here even though Lisa is mentioned shit ton of times! Might write something for her focus too someday.

I finished it ages ago but I was afraid to post it- I'm not anymore and also✨ it's my birthday ✨

~~

Ever since I joined the knights I decided to write in a diary, it helped me keep track of time. Lisa told me that it can help me in various ways, like for example remembering names of the other knights, or checking my personal progress. Now that I think about it, it was long since I checked my old entries. Nothing interesting happened today anyway so I might as well read some. I don't really remember anything that was going on when I started so I suppose I could refresh my memory.

Today Lisa wanted to introduce me to someone- she probably wanted to help me by looking for training partner for me, however I had to refuse. You probably remember why was that, I got scared of meeting someone new again. I couldn't get that mess on her shoulders when she has so much to do as it is! And there was no way I'd meet them alone it'd be too akward for both of us!

I remember the exact moment I tried to come up with an excuse for future me... It kinda made me giggle how stupid I am sometimes, but let's look at something else...

I've never felt as lonely as I do now, I don’t even know why. I don’t miss anyone nor I ever craved any interactions... But to make that feeling go away I thought about talking to Amber but when I left the house she was talking to Noelle and I got scared to approach them... Instead I decided to sketch something and stay inside for the rest of the day.

I immediately looked at my sketchbook, I don't even have to look inside, I was drawing what's outside my window like always. Maybe I'll find some better memory if I keep looking?

During my patrol I got a bit lost... It was scary... But I wasn't alone, an Adventurer found me... However he got lost too. It was a bit unlucky day since I picked the wrong maps, we also got attacked a few times by monsters. I kinda feel bad for him since he tried his best to cheer me up but I stayed silent. It should've been other way around a knight shouldn't le

Bennett! How could I forget his name when I was writing this? He was such a sweetheart I obviously had to mess it up and make him feel uncomfortable... But I did make up for it! Maybe I'll finally read something positive? I somehow can't remember how exactly that went... Or if I was daydreaming about apologizing?

I decided to bake something for Bennett as thank you and apology for acting so cold towards him. But I had no idea on how to find him... Or what to say... So after thinking for few minutes I decided to talk to Katherine and ask her to give it to him. After "talking" to her I locked myself in my room out of embarrassment, I messed up again. I just said "Bennett" placed my pastries and left. Now I probably won't be able to face her for at LEAST two months.

I cringe at the memory... Gosh now this will keep me up at night for sure... I finally forgot about it and now it'll haunt me.

Wait a second... Did I really not made any progress at all!? I was trying so hard to socialize with others and get out more but I seem to still not be able to do it right. No, it's impossible. I'm good friends with Lisa! So I definitely made any progress... Or is she just so easy to talk to? Time to take a final look at something recent for a change...

Capitan Kaeya Alberich wanted to talk to me outside work... It might not sound like a big deal but somehow I just froze... I wasn't able to respond properly and he probably guessed what I was going to say, not that he ever can't do that... I might be too predictable. Either way I feel bad, my behavior was really disrespectful and I knew better than that to just ignore someone like him. I still have much to learn and I'll need to properly apologize for staying silent.

I only ever failed... There is no mistaking it. Great way to note down progress huh? Too bad there is none.

Think, what do I need to do to finally do better? I am the problem for sure but what do I really need to change? Maybe I should just start observing how others act... After all I never bothered to do that. It might help in one way or another...

Obviously there's only one place where there is a lot of people and I won't look like a total creep if I'll just listen in the conversations and look at random people... It's no other than the tavern. I'm scared to go there alone... But I don't have to!

Lisa would be willing to go right?... Then again I rely on her a bit too much and going out like this could be an opportunity to break the ice with someone else...

Jean is always busy, Amber will be way too distracting and we might end up somewhere else, Eula is too scary, Venti... I don't even know why I'm considering him.

Maybe that offer from capitan Kaeya still stands? It's from bearly 2 weeks ago so maybe if I get lucky and he happens to still be interested, I can actually go...

What am I even thinking!? I didn't even apologize for the last time... But being around so many drunk people is terrifying... However I can't bet on the fact that he won't drink too much... On the other hand he seems to handle people and I'll definitely learn something.

Screw it. It might be scary but I need to do it. Tomorrow I'll ask him! That's for sure! He's the most respectable and trustworthy person who isn't always busy and will not distract me.

~⏳

I'm scared to do it but I have to! I need to... Did I really say that I'm gonna do it today? Or should I just pretend that I never thought of it. He's probably busy today. Yup definitely that no need to feel stressed.

I haven't seen him back at the headquarters nor did I see him around town when I was coming back from my patrol- that's a good sign. It's still pretty early but I don't think that I'll see him today... What a relief!

Before I left the headquarters after finishing some paperwork I hear a voice that belongs to a beautiful librarian I am lucky to be able to call a friend.

"Hey there cutie, are you okay?"

"Just a little bit nervous that's all, nothing new haha"

"Do you need me to pass a message again?"

"No need! It's something I need to say myself..."

"I see..."

"But if you happen to see capitan Kaeya it would be nice if you could tell him that I was looking for him" out of habit I grab my hair and begin to play with it. Lisa's warm soothing voice blessed my ears as she said "No worries darling, I'll let him know" before she left and giggled to herself...

Wait... Oh no.

Why did I say anything!? Is she that magical that I can't say anything but what's on my mind.

If she happens to meet him my request will be unavoidable! Even if I tried thinking of something else Kaeya will know that I'm lying. I can't avoid him either... Can't waste his precious time...

How do I even ask him!? Do I need to change from my work clothes before I go? What should I do...

I didn't realize that I started walking in circles before someone approached me.

"Heather?"

I turn around and see the man I was thinking about all day. Dammit... I have to say it. I can't think of an excuse and staying silent is now unacceptable.

"Oh-uhm... Greetings Capitan Kaeya"

"Lisa informed me that you were looking for me"

"Oh right!... That... Haha..."

"I don't want to rush you, however I do have some business to attend to"

"I'm so sorry! I mean- since you're busy then my silly request is irrelevant"

"Come now, I believe that I should be the judge of that" his smug look made it ever so slightly more challenging to say anything.

"I just... Ugh..." I took a deep breath "Look as you know I was trying to loosen up recently and well I realized that I wasn't making any progress at all. So I remembered that one time you asked me to go to the tavern with you and I refused... I mean ignored you, which I am VERY sorry about but now I think that it was a mistake and today I wanted to ask you to accompany me but since you're busy let's just forget about everything" I felt relieved getting that off my chest.

"I don't think that will do, in fact I was heading towards the tavern so if you really want to I suppose you can join me" Oh right... I forgot about him gathering some information there from time to time. So it might work after all! He won't pay too much attention to me and I could investigate without tons of distractions.

"Let's get going then capitan" I say before he smiles softly in response "Wait do you want to get going now or-"

"Yes" he cut me off, which was fair and I'm glad he did it before I said something dumb.

We're almost there. Before we get closer I suddenly stop.

"That reminds me!" I realized I spoke out loud, as he looked at my direction my confidence dropped dead "I've never actually tried any alcohol so would you be so kind to recommend something for me? I figured that since I'm already getting out of my comfort zone might as well try something new" I said under my breath but he definitely understood what I meant judging by his facial expression and well... response.

"Absolutely" my heart skipped a beat. I desperately tried to start a conversation topic... But choosing alcohol might be something I'll regret...

Kaeya started listing few drinks I could enjoy his words were poetic as he described the beverages, however the names of the drinks went over my head. It wasn't that bad but I just felt stupid over how clueless I was. He definitely knew what he was talking about and I'm more than interested in hearing more. The more he talks the less likely I am to say something I'll regret.

"Obviously since I don't know how much you can handle I won't be forcing you to try too much too soon" he paused "Your father probably wouldn't be happy either if you returned drunk" he said teasingly. It invited me to respond less seriously.

"Oh no! This means that we'll have to do it again, how awful"

"We didn't enter yet so you can feel free to leave now before you regret spending time with me of all people" his voice was now suddenly much more hostile... Did I mess it up!?

He laughed softly "I'm sorry did I go too far? While I don't want to force you to do anything, I won't lie... I'm a bit curious to learn something new about you tonight"

We were still outside standing right in front of the entrance to the tavern if not for chatting we could hear from the inside there would be total silence.

"I'm sorry for being quiet again! It's just that you caught me off guard haha" I look away "There isn't much to know about me so I feel like I'll only disappoint you"

"I'm not so sure about that part"

"Wait... Did my father tell you anything about me!?"

"Look let's just get inside, We'll discuss it later"

Nervously I followed him yet again. The atmosphere was warm and I could see different kinds of people all over the place. We sit down.

"So did he tell you anything?" I ask immediately.

"Relax, he didn't" he seemed amused by my desperation to know. It's understandable... And I'm probably overreacting anyway. I collect my thoughts "I'm sorry"

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'm just making this into some big deal for no reason. Maybe the reason is the huge amount of respect I have for you that makes me freak out"

"I see, well I don't see the reason to be so formal now. We aren't working after all" his soft smile was enough for me to calm down.

"Thank you" Maybe it was all I needed to hear, after that everything went smoothly.

I start feeling proud of myself... Maybe I can change after all? Either way it only shows that I have to write it down! And once I was back home I did just that.

Today I had enough courage to take a step in right direction! I went to a tavern with capitan Kaeya. It was fun and for the first time in years I wasn't that scared. It wasn't totally perfect but it was definitely worth it.

[empathic-seer]

About

Name: Sheridan Dwyer

Age: 18(TWEWY), 21(Neo-TWEWY/Post Neo)

Height: 4’9/144 cm

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Questioning but identifies Bisexual

Occupation: Full-time College Student for Nursing, works part-time performing whatever jobs she can get for acting and voice acting. Keeping her eyes open for an opening at WildKat.

Biography:

I’d mostly prefer for the details to come out organically, but she lives in Shibuya to pursue Nursing school and has a tiny apartment all her own.

Her mother has suffered from chronic pain and other ailments since she was small but they’re super close, her biological father treats her like a child and tries to buy her love with money and video games and her mother’s now ex was severely emotionally and verbally abusive as well all the way until he was finally kicked out when she was 14.

Her mother has kept in some contact though she’s readying to cut him off completely and Sheridan still stiffens at the sound of his voice and can recognize him by his knock.

She’s always seen the UG, but she didn’t learn or see nearly as much as she does in Shibuya due to being from a smaller town in New York. It was mainly just Noise.

She was born at 1 pound 11 ounces and before the third trimester, leading to her nearly dying twice. According to her Mom, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, so she wasn’t getting any nutrients. After that scare, 3 days later her oxygen levels suddenly went down to single digits, to the point a priest was called in to give last rites. Once the cross was drawn on her forehead her oxygen levels shot up and haven’t come back down since.

Sheridan assumes this is why she can see the UG, though she has no idea why she was saved and it’s something she struggles with often.

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise and often putting herself at risk to help them find Partners to give them a fighting chance. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it.

So yeah. Oops. As far as her conflict with the Game itself, she loves the fact people get a second chance, and even understands entry fees and their purpose to help others grow. But the erasure part...that she struggles with. It takes a big emotional toll on her and she can’t grasp why it’s necessary as she doesn’t understand the inner-workings enough.

Thoughts on the Games:

The World Ends With You:

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it. All the better if it helps out Players on the way.

So yeah. Oops. As far as her conflict with the Game itself, she loves the fact people get a second chance, and even understands entry fees and their purpose to help others grow. But the erasure part...that she struggles with. It takes a big emotional toll on her and she can’t grasp why it’s necessary as she doesn’t understand the inner-workings enough.

She recognizes she has a lot to learn, especially being only a bystander who mainly watches from the sidelines.

At the end of the Game, nimbly avoids wearing an O pin after seeing the effects from the Game, she hides out in high Imagination areas like Udagawa, the River and WildKat to feel safer. The conformity scares her, she’s always felt different but being alone in a sea of people with the same goal...she never wants to feel so isolated again.

Neo:

As far as Shiba’s Game...she does not like the change.

The UG she’d come to expect was turned completely on its head and it’s even worse.

She understood most of Joshua’s Game. The checks and balances set in place, Reapers and Players, entry fees...all of it save the erasure.

But now the erasures have increased with one team winning nonstop and all she can do is watch in horror as it happens. So many people...Erased without a thought week after week. It’s emotional torture for her as an Empath honestly. The horror, the fear, and then just...nothing.

The shifting energy is much darker than the conformity at the end of the original and she can tell something dangerous is happening, though she can’t grasp what.

Worries over the Wicked Twisters and keeps tabs on their emotions throughout the Game since they’re so much smaller than the other groups.

To say she was shocked when both Neku and Beat were in again was an understatement. She thought they’d escaped. There’s so much she doesn’t know but she watches even more intently when she can from then on.

Feels Shoka’s struggle and wants to help the girl escape the toxic influences surrounding her and get in a better environment.

Just wants everyone to be safe and healthy and for the suffocating air to be breathable again.

Tidbits:

Has always felt drawn to Shibuya River, and WildKat Cafe. There’s a...quiet. A calmness she never gets anywhere else. Particularly in the river. It’s just herself and her own emotions for once but even they feel muted there. Darker thoughts even if present is quieter, and become white noise in the wake of the sound of the river flowing.

Tends to loiter quietly and shyly steal glances at Hanekoma and Joshua if either is in the cafe but too intimidated to actually approach. Something feels...otherworldly about them. Her intuition can tell something is powerful about them so she’s always kept her distance despite feeling a pull towards both.

That goes the same for Hazuki as well, of course.

All Higher Plane beings in her experience mute her Empathy, though she isn't sure why. It's part of why she's so on edge around them, both wanting to be near and torn on approaching.

The library is another place you’ll find her, sequestering in a lone corner far from others and likely reading some supernatural romance aloud or working on a story.

Chronic fatigue is a bad side effect that’s pretty noticeable if she’s been giving too much of herself to others and letting herself be drained. In high school, she’d come home and have to nap for an hour or 3 depending on the day just to recover from the constant negativity she took on from all her “friends”. She still finds herself in that state pretty often, though not as bad nowadays as she’s trying to learn healthy boundaries.

Personality:

Sheridan is very openhearted and kind. Often way too trusting and forgiving for her own good despite having very good intuition. She’s very quick to inquire how others are but brushes off when asked about herself and quickly redirects. She’s very comfortable when it comes to taking care of others since she had a sick mom to take care of all throughout childhood. It’s instinct for her to see if anyone needs anything and she’s ended up flustered many a time by accidentally asking “are you ok?” or “do you need anything?” since if she drifts off or gets bored it’ll pop out sometimes after living with her mom for so long.

She’s also an Empath, meaning she feels what others do and experiences their emotions as her own. She tends to have her guard up a little, she doesn't want to accidentally get too much of someone unless they're ready to give it, but she also doesn't want to leave someone in crisis. She...has a bad habit of attracting people who use her as an emotion dumping ground and letting them stay way too long.

Sheridan feels like her whole purpose is to help others. Like it's all she's good for. She's really struggling to learn that selfish isn't a dirty word and that she's allowed to want things too and to get upset and that what she says is worth listening to.

Easy to think about, but hard to put into practice. She's learned when people ignore her or especially talk over her to quiet down. 'Clearly they just really need to talk right? I didn't have anything important to add anyway." Or so her thought process typically goes.

She tends to be shy at first but if given positive reinforcement and encouragement she’ll slowly warm up. She does best in intimate, small groups.

Seems like she doesn’t have a sense of humor but is actually pretty funny now and then. She just has to feel comfortable enough to crack jokes in the first place.

People tend to look at her in shock if she curses since when she’s first meeting people and in the warming up phase, she seems very polite, kind, and innocent to a fault.

Easily flustered, especially by teasing. Any person she’s even a little bit attracted to she’ll likely be at least a little pink, fidgety and sheepish. It doesn’t take much either. Corner her, pin her, or even just direct eye contact could be enough to make her go red. She’s hopeless in that regard since she’s very inexperienced.

Severely touch starved but way too scared of rejection to initiate or confess as much so she just kinda suffers in silence.

An easy crier. Cries at the drop of a hat. Even when angry, she cries because no matter what she’s hurting to be angry at all given it’s typically very rare for her to begin with. Feeling what everyone around her does has led to her being a every emotional person in her own right.

Hobbies:

Enjoys acting and performing more than anything, even though she’s yet to be cast as a lead or anything major except in her theatre final, where she got to play Doris from Fame. One of her favorite roles. She loved participating in high school at her musical theatre program and did stage crew all the way up to 11th grade when she finally made it in and got to be in first the ensemble and then lead ensemble the following year. She often gets typecast as the “cute one” or child roles thanks to being 4’9 and being very accommodating and kind.

Somewhat hand in hand with acting and performing, but singing. Gets stage fright occasionally but is able to push through it.

Reading body language is something else she finds very fun, but she never voices it without explicit consent. She likes to people-watch in Shibuya and guess their lives inwardly to keep herself fresh.

Plays video games very often, especially RPGs as well as reading to escape her troubles. It’s a great way to combat loneliness and also not think for a while, to lose herself in another world.

Writes as well, to vent her negative thoughts. Typically through a fanfiction blog for x reader fandom and kpop content in 2nd person. A bit shy about voicing it though. Has original ideas and has started a book but trying to build her own world and the magic system has proven a bit difficult.

Reading supernatural romance novels. Her favorite genre since the worlds and characters are typically very immersive and serve as great escape potential. Loves to find a corner, make sure she's completely alone, and voice act the characters as she reads. Y'know, like a nerd.

Likes to bake, especially different types of cookies. It’s a great stress reliever. She has several video game recipes she wants to try to learn though. Particularly the butterscotch cinnamon pie from Undertale and sea-salt ice cream from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

Binging guilty pleasure shows. Loves laughing at trashy reverse harems with friends like Diabolik Lovers to both appreciate the hotness of the designs and voice acting and also how awful the characters are as people. Doesn’t mind thirsting over toxic vampires, but obviously only in fiction.

Anxiety:

Mental Health: Not great, though most likely wouldn't guess so. She'd much rather help others, see what they need than have them focus on her. She's very much not used to that and doesn't know how to react.

(Important Note! Please do NOT feel pressured to include anything below in our rp and if you ever need a specific thing added as a trigger tag do let me know! My Trigger tag format is Trigger; ______ if you need to block any! I'm open to it of course, given I included them in my form I just want to make sure everyone I roleplay with has the tools to tailor the experience to them and feel secure.

If I want to start a thread or anything about the issues below I will likely message the Mun in advance first for permission first unless they've stated they're explicitly fine with such content and apologies in advance if I'm awkward when reaching out.)

She tends to have panic attacks thanks to severe arachnophobia and it can take her a solid hour to work up the courage to try and kill one, typically while she's crying and whimpering to herself to "breathe Sheridan, that's it breathe…"

She tends to get bouts of social anxiety. When she's acting it's fine because she's not her, and the same for if she's in an intimate group.

But especially if someone starts yelling at her? She'll likely freeze and then look to run away before the person sees her crying. She can't stop shaking and can barely breathe. It's awful and a huge trigger for her. Even if it's not directed at her she'll still panic.

Also suffers from driver’s anxiety. Still only has her permit since she hasn’t found anyone who can put her at ease enough and that she wouldn’t be embarrassed to break down with.

Asperger's Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder:

High functioning but a big person to hyper-fixate and jump from one fixation to another especially when in a bad headspace. Can become obsessed and may need to be gently pulled back/ forced outside.

Stims, mainly physically. Squirms before sleep mainly because her brain won't shut off.

Soft/smooth stims are her favorite anxiety soothers.

Has a rainbow bear with purple eyes she's had since childhood that is a stim she uses to calm from panic.

Clutches her necklace; an Undertale plaque that reads in white text '*a determined soul' and has the rainbow SOUL hearts above it. Uses it as a source of strength.

Bounces her leg when she can but has mainly learned to force herself to stop.

Only does this one when not around her mom since both share the same stim and her Mom said it made her nauseous.

Depression:

Frequent intrusive negative thought spirals and suicidal ideation. Thoughts of self-harm, in a similar vein, though she’d never act on it.

Unfortunately, knowing they’re irrational doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening way too often for her liking.

Her becoming overwhelmed by her emotions and breaking down for 3 hours is commonplace, as is her ghosting for way too long. A bad habit because she doesn't want to burden anyone when she’s not even able to be there for them.

Basically, if she isn’t serving others she feels she shouldn’t exist at all but she’s trying to understand she has worth all on her own.

Eating Issues:

Body dysmorphia with her weight. She tends to not eat often and even if urged she hates that she has to force herself and typically puts herself down which can lead to a spiral if she’s not careful.

Sometimes she's fine. But even when "fine" she'll typically have something small like a muffin, and a 1/4 of dinner and that's all she'll eat.

She snacks because she doesn't have to think when she eats it if she's distracted. Things like popcorn, pocky, or pretzels are her go-to's.

Kind of wants someone to be able to care enough to notice inwardly and maybe text her to see when and what she's last eaten but doesn't ever want to emotionally dump like others do to her because she doesn't want to be a burden or pitied.

CPTSD:

She had her first emotion flashback recently having to do with her abuser and has been shaken ever since, trying to deal with it on her own. Yelling is a trigger for her, especially when paired with degradation.

Forced "civility" as well.

There was a period while her mother was unaware of the extent of the abuse given Sheridan was still trying to protect her. Over the course of 3 years nothing but good night and good morning, passive-aggressive and snide comments of "aren't you going to say hi/bye/thank you/your welcome?" anytime she was too crippled by anxiety/fear to look at him, let alone speak was the norm.

Relationships:

None yet! Just let me know if anyone wants to be added and I’ll happily do so! <3

[aureatesvn]

Infatuated//Jaebeom

Content: mentions of alcohol consumption, unintended slightly dark humour

Serial killer AU;

There's a four step plan to follow; 

it's simple really.

Part 1

They make eye contact, a split-second in the rush of people commuting, she almost doesn't notice. 

Almost.

But his eyes are intense, enamouring, and instead, she wonders at how easy it would've been to miss them.

He averts his gaze, she thinks nothing of it. Why would she? 

//

It's not until the next day, as she prepares to retire for the night, that the memory of the brief interaction crosses her mind.

As much as she tries, the rest of his face eludes her, and she's left with the impression of a striking regard, framed by dark locks... 

She hums to herself, smiling softly.

She'd always been a romantic, and who was going to stop her fantasising about a relatively tall, dark and, as far as her imagination was concerned, handsome stranger?

A deep release of breath and many trains of thought later, she drifts off.

//

A week later, the same junction crossing, she's alert, scanning faces, as she'd done the day before, and the day before that.  

Not that she wants to interact with him per se, not yet anyways, more that a little visual stimulation goes a long way in fuelling her growing infatuation, and she's idle enough to have time for an infatuation nowadays. Besides, what's the harm in a bit of people watching?

'Excuse me, miss?' 

She's drawn back to herself by a hand resting on her shoulder. Turning, she assesses the owner of said hand, and double takes. His eyes, they're-

'My apologies, I may be mistaken, but are you lost?' 

She freezes, mind racing to come up with a reason, any reason why she'd be stood at a crossing that he'd seen her at before, looking lost. Maybe he doesn't remember? 

'Actually I'm waiting for someone…'

He's visibly perplexed, and for good reason, who plans to meet at a road junction with plenty of surrounding cafés? 

But he isn't in a place to question, so he feigns understanding and gives a low chuckle;

'Ahhh, I see,' she winces as he shuffles awkwardly infront of her, hair falling from behind his ears to obscure his eyes,  'I'm sorry, I'll get going then, have a good day miss.'

A noticeable lilt, how intriguing.

She gives an indistinguishable noise of affirmation, and he gives her a last, long look, before crossing. 

She watches him as he makes his way down the street, before losing him, like the last time, in the sea of commuters.

The rest of her day is, if she's being honest, entirely unremarkable.

//

It's by chance really, the next time they meet.

She, somewhat intoxicated, him, on a little novelty search. 

He scans the bar for anyone of interest, his gaze shifting from person to person, until his eyes are resting on her. Unexpected, what are the chances? 

Under the dim lights, he discerns she's already had more than a few drinks, the managed air about her slipping. Approaching her, he catches the attention of the bartender;

'Water, thanks.' She doesn't turn to look, catching him off-guard when she muses,

'Water is a bit of a dangerous choice of drink at a bar, don't you think?'

He takes a seat, resting his forearms on the counter, and angles his head towards her, flashing a smile, 

'I don't drink, it involves health complications I'd rather avoid, unfortunately.'

She's looking at him now, eyes a tad unfocused, hands cradling her glass,

'I think- I think you should possibly reconsider the benefits of coming here then, mister…'

It strikes him, at that moment, exactly how drunk she is. That explains her seemingly new-found self surety.

She leans towards him unsteadily, peering up at him, and tilts her head. Cute. 

'I like your eyes... They're dark…'

As she squints, he raises a brow;

'Dark? I should hope so, they ha-'

'You- your hair is pretty…' 

He huffs in amusement, resigning himself to humour her ramblings.

She's nothing like he expected, but maybe it's the alcohol? 

It's too easy for someone to get close to her like this, take advantage...

He takes a moment to look at her, languidly taking note of a tinted pout, furrowed brows, she's attractive. Of course he knew what she looked like, they'd met before after all, and he didn't forget faces, but now, in this setting...    it's different. 

Interest fully piqued, he turns, giving her his full attention, and she beams, 

'Do you have any pets?'

An odd strain of conversation, even for someone under the influence…

'No, I'm more of a...people person, one might say-'

'Oh, so you have housemates instead? That's quite nice, it gets lonely living by yourself…'

She trails off again, absentmindedly swirling whatever alcoholic concoction she's been nursing since he arrived. 

He brings his own glass to his lips and takes a sip of water, before clearing his throat; 

'Actually, I prefer my own space, it offers privacy, and certain issues in my schedule mean I need the room.'

She blinks up at him owlishly, having shifted so close he can feel the warmth of her leg against his through his slacks. 

'So you live alone? So do I! Except I don't like it very much, I'm a people person too,' 

He ponders at how easy it is, almost too easy. But it was never beneficial to look a gift horse in the mouth, and a bit of information goes a long way in reassuring him as he angles himself towards her, their noses almost touching.

'I dont- I- what's- name?' She manages to squeak out, before breaking their eye contact, in favour of closely observing her own hands.

'Is that so?' 

She shivers slightly, irises dilating as his response signals a change in the tone of their conversation. 

He allows a slow, provocative smile curl to grow on his lips, keeping his eyes intensely trained on hers. So far so good...

'You're quite the interesting one,' he hums, already thoroughly enjoying toying with her;

A wink, a flash of teeth,

'My name? I suppose you can call me Jae…'

[queerchoicesblog]

A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

E.

[dunkshotdreaming]

Masterlist || World at a Glance

➵ Na Jaemin

↳ A young wolf from the Redfur clan, very playful but very dependent. Is known for his kind heart and flirty ways. Would offer the clothes off his back to help someone in need without hesitation. Best friends with fellow wolf Jeno, as they grew up together, and very protective of their youngest member, Jisung. Acts almost like a parental figure to his subunit of younger members along with Renjun, who try their hardest to keep the troublesome bunch out of harm's way (or any accidental exposure).

➵ Lee Jeno

↳ A young wolf from the Silveridge clan, shy at first but is an absolute ball of energy. Very athletic yet very lazy; a bundle of dualities that lie beneath a beautiful smile. Best friends with fellow wolf Jaemin, both of whom never cared about territorial rivalries. Also very close to Doyoung and Jaehyun, who like to keep a close eye on this sweet and naive little werewolf. Despite his canine nature, he has a fascination for feline creatures, going so far as to adopt a few of his own to study them. The other wolves are shocked at how well the kittens take to Jeno, rather than running at his scent.

➵ Huang Renjun

↳ A curious vampire with a fascination for their otherworldly members: the aliens Winwin and Yangyang. Likes to put up a snarky front at times, but is the sweetest little biter you'll ever meet. Very close to the younger members of their group, especially the werewolves.  Is a great help to Yuta when he gets unintentionally turned after being bitten, and takes him under his wing until he's sure the fledgling can handle his own. Doesn't have to wear a pendant like Yuta's as he's a full-blood vampire, born and raised. Renjun's artistic side helps him explain himself in ways words can't... even when a good portion of his artwork looks an awful lot like a bloody Rorschach test.

➵ Qian Kun

↳ The new alpha of the Goldensnout clan. Always seems to have trouble handling the young pups of the pack, and often has to put his foot down to intimidate them. Fatefully ends up with fellow pack member Yukhei as bandmates in Wayv. Loves nothing more than to enjoy some good music while he dotes on the others; especially good at cooking, and uses his heightened sense of smell to his advantage.

➵ Wong Yukhei

↳ Luckily for his alpha, fellow wolf Yukhei is great at dealing with the young pups of the pack... whenever he doesn't end up playing into their antics, that is. A lively young wolf who has a nose for causing trouble, usually unintentionally, as he's naturally clumsy. Has a warm heart and soft spot for his bandmates, usually treating them as part of his own little pack. Diligently obeys Kun, and trusts him entirely. Loves to tease the resident vampire, whenever possible.

➵ Jung Jaehyun

↳ A member of the Silveridge clan. Very athletic, prides himself on being one of the strongest members of the pack. Comes off as very confident but is actually very shy; is always terrified someone will find out about his secret. Dotes on the younger and older members alike, and is a great shoulder for them to lean on in tough times. Very close to fellow wolves Taeyong and Jeno, the latter of whom gets babied quite often, despite his displeasure.

➵ Lee Taeyong

↳ Alpha of the Redfur clan, as well as the leader of the musical group all the boys belong to, known as NCT. Has a lot on his plate and often relies on Jaehyun to talk things over with. Has the exterior of a wolf with bared fangs, but the interior of a little pup ready to play. Also close to pack member Jaemin, and taught him a lot of what he knows. Taeyong's life may be incredibly busy, but his great leadership skills always shine through both of his demanding roles.

➵ Dong Sicheng

↳ Most commonly known as Winwin by his newfound earthling friends. Sicheng and Yangyang crash landed on Earth roughly six years ago, not reuniting until they both ended up being recruited for a musical group known as Wayv. Whereas Yangyang is a burst of energy, Sicheng is more calm and philosophical (and still holds himself responsible for getting stuck on Earth); very homesick for his birth planet, Scorlirsus. Gets doted on a lot by his other members; often mistaken for an elf due to his singular pointed ear.

➵ Liu Yangyang

↳ Whereas Sicheng is more often than not the rational one of the two, Yangyang is a chaotic bundle of adventure and joy. His laugh can be heard from miles away, if you listen hard enough. Misses his family and home planet, but is happy to have finally reunited with Sicheng at long last. Loves to race, and used secretly borrow the space pods to do so. Never obtained a nickname as his name was already fairly easy for the others to remember. Misses Scorlirsus, but is also really enjoying his adventures on Earth.

➵ Kim Dongyoung

↳ Most commonly referred to simply as Doyoung, this fallen angel is often the butt of his bandmates' jokes. Tries to set a great example for the younger members, and practically had a hand in raising many of them throughout their time together. Jeno is the only one who really listens though, and earns himself the title of Best Son, at least in Doyoung's eyes. An amazing singer, and isn't afraid to use the powers of his enchanting voice to entice people to do things for him. After all, why work harder when you can work harder?

➵ Ten

↳ This tricky little siren is both alluring and infuriating. Loves to challenge Doyoung at every turn, the sheer power his voice carries overturning any enchantments his bandmate tries to place on others. Lives to tease, and often gets on Kun's nerves, though they secretly enjoy each other's company greatly. Very fluid in his movements, as he's used to swimming in water; this translates to mesmerizing dance moves on land, which eventually earns him a spot in Wayv. Latches onto Hendery when he first joins the surface world as a resident, who helps him learn how to fit in, allowing him to blend almost seamlessly. Must soak in water for an absolute minimum of half an hour a day, or risk losing his breath and drying out. Legend has it he choked on a fruit once and now refuses to go anywhere near them.

➵ Moon Taeil

↳ An actual angel, quite literally. Whereas Doyoung had his fall from grace, Taeil has miraculously managed to stay in the good graces of the divine. Has a healing like quality to his voice, and anyone who listens to it becomes wrapped with its calmness, almost like a blanket. The eldest of his bandmates, but gets along pretty well with both younger and older members due to his playful nature. Exceptionally skilled when it comes to music, and can play a wide range of instruments; loves to play his harp on nights off, which always helps the others sleep.

➵ Park Jisung

↳ The youngest of all his bandmates to date, and one of the most energetic. This sneaky little shapeshifter is incredibly talented. His shifty powers translate into the ability to rap and sing, as well as dance, making him a triple threat within the group. Is ironically allergic to animals, though he can turn into them without much trouble. Loves to turn into any one of the other members and cause widespread confusion, a true mischievous spirit you can't help but love. Babied endlessly by the others, and pretends he has to deal with Jaemin's over-affectionate nature as if he hates it.

➵ Mark Lee

↳ The one, lone human of NCT. Used to have Yuta to relate to, until the poor man was bitten and turned one night. Was initially terrified at being surrounded by so many supernatural beings, but grew accustomed; loves being able to use their talents to his advantage. Constantly the butt of their superpowered jokes, but always mesmerized by what the others are capable of. Feels left out sometimes, but Johnny is always quick to reassure him of his extraordinary human talents.

➵ Johnny Seo

↳ A powerful sorcered who moved across the world in search of a precious gem with powers unheard of.. ends up joining a band to allow him to stay in the country, and instead finds a precious bond within NCT. Can often be seen building or brewing, and casts minor spells at his convenience. Casts protective spells on his clumsier and unluckier bandmates, disguising his affection for his newfound little brother Mark behind an army of jokes (that everyone can see through anyway).

➵ Lee Donghyuck

↳ Goes by the name of Haechan, but loves to refer to himself in the third person as Fullsun. As his father is Apollo, Haechan is a demigod with the blinding power of the sun (as do many of his scattered half-siblings). Very affectionate, the embodiment of warmth and light, paired with the heat of his temper and constant teasing. Nearly made an enemy out of Doyoung once with his pranks, and adores teasing poor human Mark for his priceless reactions.

➵ Nakamoto Yuta

↳ Was a human until just the other day, was turned into a vampire and is now learning to deal with his life flipped upside down. Never wanted to become part of the supernatural realm that nearly all of his bandmates are from, and yet finds himself joining anyway. Was accidentally bitten while away on tour and must now live with the consequences. Has to have his pendant on at all times when in the sun, or else he'll slowly burn and turn to ash. A rather moody bandmate as of late, but given his circumstances, no one can really blame him. Bandmate Renjun, a full-blood vampire since birth, helps teach Yuta everything from how to feed and self control to the ways of the sun and his new strengths. Was forced to take a brief break from his unit known as NCT 127 as a result, but manages to successfully rejoin once he's adapted to his new life. Yuta is often found teasing their last remaining human, Mark.

➵ Zhong Chenle

↳ Though formerly teased for his dolphin-like laugh, it's no surprise that Chenle actually grew up by the ocean. Unlike Ten, Chenle did not live in the water, but has great control over it. He can control the rain, the seas, and even people's own bodies if he so desired. Best friends with Jisung, and they love to get into all sorts of trouble together. Is also very close with Kun (though he and Yangyang are both banes in the elder's existence at times), as well as Jaehyun.

➵ Xiao Dejun

↳ Also known as Xiaojun, for short. Laughs every time Winwin gets mistaken for an elf, when in fact, he's the member of elvish nature. Conceals his ears well, but allows his magic to seep through his beautiful voice. Cautious around animals, but absolutely adores plants and nature in general. Dislikes when Chenle plays with the weather, claiming it could cause an imbalance. Gets along well with all of his Wayv bandmates, but especially with Hendery, as they grew up together.

➵ Wong Kunhang

↳ Ironically enough, Kunhang is the complete opposite of his childhood friend, Xiaojun. Hendery, as he now goes by, is the son of a demon and a human. Typically good-natured and easygoing, his temper and vengeance know no bounds if someone he cares about gets hurt. Will stop at nothing to make things "fair" as he sees fit. Powers include but are not limited to: manipulation of fire, control of air currents, and destruction of physical properties. Has a real soft spot for Yangyang, and are often seen goofing off together. This half-demon is very close to a certain mischievous siren, and taught him almost everything he knows about fitting in with the human world.

OC’s

➵ Sayuri & Kaoru

↳ Two siblings, both members of the Blackwolf clan; childhood friends of the Alpha (reader) and trusted board members of the pack. Form almost a little council when the three unite. Sayuri's mate is a Silveridge, which had caused tension in the past; though that, now the clans are allied, is no longer a problem. Sayuri’s mate just so happens to be the related to the clan’s leader, as his elder sister is the alpha.

[suchastart]

If it isn't too personal, what happend with your husband? (feel free to ignore this if you aren't comfortable, sorry!)

sigh

real talk, I guess?

very long answer behind the cut

So. I got got married to the guy I loved in college, and we’d been together for a few years, and I was 22, and that was the natural progression of things? Graduate and then marry? I’d graduated with my mostly-so-far, STILL to this day ugh useless degree in Creative Writing and English, and we both had jobs and an apartment and were happy? I think we were happy. I thought we were. We were doing Life together and you know, we were living, but. But I think I was struggling with things even then; drinking a little almost every day, not as much then, and for two years we were okay, and then we moved to GA to be closer to his family–while mine was far-flung, in PA and England and Washington state and then Germany.

I missed them. It was hard. It was so hard. I grew up with the super-close unit that was my mom, dad, and brother for my whole life, because my dad was in the military and we moved around so much and they were all I had, so like, I am my family? I don’t feel myself if I don’t have them, I guess. Long distance from them was terrifying and hard and debilitating. But I was married now! So I had my husband, and his family was my family now so, naturally, of course we would move to be closer to them. 

So I found a new job when we moved to GA, and it was like 30-35 hrs a week and I had a lot of time at home and I am Shy and self-deprecating and I always think I am awful and I was in a new place and felt alone and so I had absolutely no friends where we were living, and absolutely no family around–it was just me, and my husband, and his family. Which was okay–his family are (still, I’m sure) such great people, and we got along great, but. It’s not the same? “What’s mine is yours” and all, sure, but it wasn’t my family, who know me inside and out, who raised me and grew up with me and just. know me, to my blood, to my bones; I didn’t have anything that was MINE. And you need that, I think, as a person???? You need stuff that is yours. Even when you’re “in Love” and married–you still need stuff that’s yours?? And everything seemed to be his? We moved there for him and his job and his family, and we hung out with his sister and his brother and his friends, and drove his new car, and travelled his roads, and visited his family, and just. 

I felt like I was drowning. I drank more. I drank so much. I went into work hungover, and I pretended to be “sick” or cramping and went home early because I was aching in my heart and my head and my whole body, and I was dehydrated and depressed and fucking just kind of dizzy and wanted to puke and sleep forever. I got into bed and cried. I drank so much. I worried about absolutely everything. I didn’t go anywhere. Secretly I resented him for taking me away from my family (which wasn’t fair to him, or to me, or to anybody). I don’t think we communicated any of this well. I cried so much, and told him that I hated myself, and I wanted to go home, or to die.

I just very, very much wanted to die. 

We grew distant? It felt different than when we both lived in NC and away from our families, both of us together. Maybe he knew. He tried to help, I think, how he felt like he could–he was so nice to me, and I never doubted his kindness, and he tried to get me to hang out with his family and friends, and to go do things, tried to pretend I was still his Dream Girl who liked video games and his favorite shows and was really chill, but I think I made it worse by preferring to stay home and cry. I just didn’t have the energy to pretend, and I was sad and angry and exhausted. I wanted to die. I was suffocating, and I missed my family. I never tried to restrict him going anywhere–it was truly so great that he was visiting his sister, or his mom and dad, or going out of state to visit his college friends. I was genuinely happy for him, I was always supportive of him and encouraged him to go, because I wanted him to have fun and I was happy that he was happy, and I never wanted my issues fucking up his good time. Sometimes I would go, too! But sometimes he would ask that I go, and I just–couldn’t. I physically couldn’t make myself. Once, we drove a whole hour and a half, maybe, to his sister’s place, and we were going to play some board game and I had a panic attack and he drove me all the way home an hour and a half there in Atlanta traffic, and then drove back. And I felt like such a terrible burden, and a terrible wife. And he told me, once, that he cried on the way there, that he was so upset when he went to visit and I didn’t go with him, that he wanted a partner and it was supposed to be me–and that was just… I know it was probably hard for him, having a wife who was depressed and anxious and lonely and. Well.

We didn’t really communicate any of this well. He was always kind to me–he was supportive, and made me my first doctor’s appointment when I felt like I couldn’t call, and I started my antidepressants because of that, and I’m still alive. Sometimes that in itself still feels like an achievement. Like: hey! At least I haven’t killed myself yet! Even though it’s come close a few times? Like, listen. Once this year I called the suicide hotline everybody posts about? Because I was just done. And it’s a fuckin’ automated system????? And just. That was so disheartening, like–the last thing I want to do when I truly am just miserable and Ready to Go is like, fucking go through a god damn automated machine system to press 2 if I wanna die? Like?? Jesus. Why am I going to call an automated system when I’m ready to just down my whole bottle of pills to press through fifteen buttons of a machine?

Anyway. So that didn’t work out well but. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I still have a lot of feelings about everything. I felt like things were (slowly, very, very slowly) getting better after I started taking medications. I had future plans with my previous job (at the next year! the next two years! it was such a novel thing, making career plans for actually building my own place in a company, I would’ve had a Place, I would’ve done something that mattered in a company that I believed in), I was talking to my mom again, I was feeling like I could breathe, just a little, taking antidepressants and medications that might help my anxiety and sleeplessness. I knew things weren’t The Same with my husband, but I thought we could work toward it? We were rarely physically intimate anymore. I was miserable, and he was trying to help. I was trying to live, and to pretend that I was alive. I was raised to think that we shouldn’t Give Up on my promises, that marriage has its ups and downs and that things can go way south sometimes but you can keep going, keep working, not giving up.

We were growing apart. I know it, and I knew it. He came home one day in September, and I was washing the dishes and asking him what he wanted to do that day, or that weekend, and he told me that he just couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t love me, and he hadn’t loved me for the past two years. He left that night, and took our dog, and left me alone in a state by myself with my mom, my dad, and my brother, my whole heart family, in Europe. I had literally nobody. He was my person, and he left.

So that’s what happened.

I called my dad, and he booked a very fuckin’ expensive immediate ticket from England to come help me pack up my stuff. I was sick for days until he got there. I was vomiting, and couldn’t sleep, and lost so much hair. I couldn’t eat. I called my husband and told him that I was sick and didn’t know what to do (because who else was I supposed to call?? any semblance of family that would help me being literally hours away from me at that point), and he told me that he was at his sister’s house an hour and a half away and that I should just go to urgent care?? So I just. Waited. I waited for my dad, my best friend, to get there. I hired a lawyer. My husband wanted to just do everything Online and get rid of me easy–but my parents helped me hire a lawyer and my father and I went to meet one while we packed all my stuff in a U-Haul. We drove all my stuff to PA, and they renovated the whole attic to give me a little suite up here. I haven’t talked to my ex but maybe once since then. I’m still friends with his family on Facebook, which most days still feels a little weird. We don’t talk at all, or comment on each other’s posts, and it kind of feels like a stalemate? It’s very awkward. I still love them? And miss them?? But it feels a little displaced, like–I’m still super angry at him, but his family has been nothing but kind and welcoming to me, so–?

I don’t know. I don’t know? I’m angry, and sad, and accepting, and thankful, and tired. I want this to be over. My parents and I have spent so much money in attorneys fees. I am tired. I am terrified of being alone. I am terrified that I am broken, and unlovable, and unfixable. I don’t want to see his last name on mine anymore. I am mad that he gave up on me, and silently accepting that he did, because of course he did, why wouldn’t he give up on me? I am bitter. I don’t want to believe in love, mostly because I don’t believe I will ever have it again. My new friends at work are getting married. I keep telling them that it’s not too late to turn back–poking fun while torn between being happy at their happiness and bitter about it, too. I’m jealous, and angry, and scared.

People grow apart. Maybe we weren’t meant to last forever. Maybe I still have a person out there. Right now I feel hopeless. I had an email from my lawyer this morning about sending a final decree to the judge. We’re approaching the last stages of this divorce. 

Maybe this is a learning stage? Maybe I’m supposed to learn things about myself. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe everything happens for a reason. 

But I’m still terrified. I don’t want to be alone. I am terrified of being alone. I want somebody to love–I want to make a family with somebody, to join theirs to mine, to share myself with someone, to make a family. I don’t want to feel so torn, or regretful, or resentful, or angry. I want to have someone.

I want to feel love. And I am so, so scared that I won’t ever get another chance.

So that’s the story. And I just–I want you to be careful? Whoever is reading this. Please be careful with your heart. And despite how bitter and angry I am, and how much I hate saying it–I want you to believe in love. 

So maybe do both?

And if you need someone to talk to, please remember that I’m here, and I believe that you are so great and beautiful and worthy of whatever your heart desires ♥