#anyways i arrived at work late and decided to check my email app for the lolz. biiiiiig mistake!!!!!!!

[deus-ex-mona]

my day in two pictures:

[ivyruins]

cold nights and warm hugs | poly nightonion

a/n: I promised a nightonionmc au a while ago and id never lie to you folk !!! honestly, I can't see a relationship between nightowl and onion (considering their fight in his route) but maybe if mc is there they can bring Peace to their Lives. literally no plot, just three people coming home from each's ever changing lives to each other's constant.

also, check out this AMAZING FANART OF NIGHTOWL AND ONION I SAW THIS WHILST WRITING AND MY MOTIVATION TO FINISH IT SKYROCKETED . give them some love !! [my icon is also their art!!].

You stumbled into your small apartment, letting the heavy door shut itself behind you. Leaning against it, you hugged yourself. Clothes damp and clinging onto your skin, you were absolutely freezing. It didn't help how the air conditioner was the first thing that welcomed you home. You silently wished you had brought an umbrella with you that morning.

To be fair, your weather app didn't say anything about it raining. Per se. This morning's conversation plays at the back of your eyelids like a movie when you shut your eyes, trying to bring yourself warmth as you rubbed your forearms.

.

Your demanding job started at six in the morning, and no reasonable person who had school at eight would wake up that early and risk losing what few minutes of sleep they had. Yet here they were, your boyfriends sitting at the dining table in front of you, hair disheveled after having just got out of bed after you.

Nightowl is swaying by the coffee machine trying to sneak a cup for himself. Though you knew with Onion there there was no chance he would be able to. You also knew they would both immediately go back to bed anyway. It was always like that, and no matter how many times you'd tell them to just stay in bed, and not wake up to see you off work, they'd still be there. Awake at six, just to accompany you.

"My heart can't handle imagining you having sad, lonely breakfasts!" Nightowl had said dramatically. Your other lover rolling his eyes, but you could tell he agreed. "It's alright," he had said. Reminded you. "Its worth it."

A sleepy smile finds its way onto your face, finding the juxtaposition between you, who was fully in formal wear and your boyfriends, who were still in their pajamas under the dim light of the dining room amusing. Onion was on his phone, and if you knew him and his routines, he would be reading the forecast.

"Bring your umbrella today," he says, confirming your little theory. You scoffed playfully.

"It won't rain today, I checked the weather," you exclaimed, proud that you had read it before him. He wasn't having it, though.

"Fifty percent chance of rain is still fifty percent chance of rain,"

"And fifty percent chance of," Nightowl pauses as he slides beside you, handing you a cup of coffee and pressing a kiss to your cheek. You feel his chapped lips, and see the furrow of his eyebrows as he thought of a word, "not rain."

"Sun?" you suggested, and he snaps his fingers. Seeing him like this reminds you of the first time you and him had that drinking game through video call. He acted drunk when he was deprived of sleep.

"Exactly. Sun," he grins, laced with drowsiness, "besides, what kind of loser is afraid of getting a little wet?"

Onion, ever so used to the two of your antics, sighs. He knew the two of you well, though, and he could've convinced you. But maybe for his own entertainment, or to satiate Nightowl's sleepy theories about the weather, he lets it go.

But now you were grimly regretting it.

You take your shoes off, socks drenched. You wanted to cry. It was a long day.

The moment you had arrived at work, your desk was piled. Papers and emails you had to answer by that day dumped by a co worker that was on sick leave, and having decided to finish all the work you had found out you were late for your meeting. Only to find out you had (embarrassingly) walked into the wrong meeting -- and missed yours. You had left work after getting an earful from your boss and was met with a downpour and no way home besides walking because apparently you had forgotten your wallet and couldn't call a cab home was the cherry on top of your shitty day.

You hear a laptop close. Shit, you didn't know anyone was home. Silently, you prayed it was Nightowl. He would at least be lenient. He had a soft spot for you, and you knew if he saw you in that state he'd help you and hide the fact you had came home like that from Onion. But if it was the latter?

You knew you were in for the I told you so lecture. Any other day would have been completely fine. You would have easily laughed it off, shrug and say you'll listen to him next time and brush it off; but today was not.

Prayers unheard, the person you least hoped to be there makes his presence known, walking out from behind the wall that connects the hallway you could stay there drenched in rain that you could've avoided. You didn't want to hear his chiding today.

Eyes to the ground, you hear his footsteps fade and fuck, that hurts. You knew he was disappointed but hearing him walk away like that without even greeting you hurt a lot. Your eyes glossed over. You messed up, didn't you? Shit, how the hell were you going to fix this?

Before you could let yourself cry, a towel draped over you.

Looking up, you can see your boyfriend's gaze on you piercing through his glasses. If looks could kill, your death wouldn't be a mystery. His eyes casted down and met yours, and you could see that he was holding himself back from berating you, and you were grateful for that. He frowned, brows furrowed. He wasn't even trying to hide the concern. You fight the urge to grab his face. To tell him to stop giving you that look. Instead, you bite your lip and look back down.

Carefully, he dries you. Or tries his best to at least. You were absolutely soaked, the towel did nothing but remove the recent moisture that hadn't seeped into your clothes. He calls your name gently, yet you remain avoiding his gaze, face burning. An apology was on the tip of your tongue. He was waiting for it, fuck. Why can't you just say it? You knew he-

He kisses your forehead.

He kisses your forehead, and that was all it took for you to crumple. Like an overflowing dam, you burst into tears, and he holds you close. He stops drying, letting you fall into the comfort of his gray hoodie. He doesn't care about the fact that you were leaving a puddle on the floor, or was sharing the rain on your clothes with him. He just cradles you, rubbing your arms for warmth and comfort. And for a while he lets you cry yourself out.

"Come on," he whispers after a moment, leading you towards the bathroom where you could hear running water. "You'll get sick if you stand there for too long. I prepared a bath for you,"

He leaves you with a final kiss on the top of your damp head, and when he shuts the door, you hear the front door open. Hear your boyfriend sigh. And you could only assume that Nightowl had came home in a similar condition as you.

You smile to yourself, laughing softly. Onion really has his work cut out for him.

.

You step out of your shared bedroom and head to the kitchen, where Nightowl - who you knew was also fresh out of the shower by the way his hair was damp, and the faint smell of the shampoo all three of you shared hung in the air like air freshener - was hanging his chin on Onion's shoulder as the latter cooked, telling him about his mundane day.

The sight warmed your heart. It was rare to find them not at each other's throat (either seriously, or because that was just their love language), so whenever it happened you always try to savor the moment as much as you can.

The serenity of the kitchen brings you a sense of peace. The soft humming of the fridge and the cackling of the fire from the stove helping you forget about the day you had. Your lovers stand in the kitchen, voices soft as they talk about everything and nothing to pass the time, waiting for the food to cook. You noticed Nightowl was wearing one of Onion's spare hoodie, the latter in a simple white shirt. You didn't wonder why he wasn't wearing his own -- you were the one who was wearing it. The rain continues to fall, washing out the grime and bad luck the windy morning brought. You let yourself relax at their presence.

Domesticity wasn't something you experienced often. The three of you were different, and the only thing you had in common was love for the blooming panic web novel. You talked about it, sometimes. How if you never read it, your lives would have never clashed. How, realistically, you never had any reason to cross paths with each other if it weren't for the text scraper story and the mysterious link to the server.

Onion was a computer science student, and he was rarely outdoors besides going to the library. He dedicated his time studying, being a great role model for his younger siblings in contrast to Nightowl, who was the life of the party; loud, obnoxious, and he loved fiercely. He saw love in grand gestures, public displays of affection, declaring how he loved the two of you every morning when you wake and every night before bed. Whilst your other boyfriend shows it subtly. Quiet strokes of your hair, driving hours away multiple times a week just because Nightowl's favorite takeout place was on the other side of town, murmurs of how proud he was when you try your best.

It was truly a miracle how you three came to be. But perhaps it was a story for another time.

"Hey hey," Nightowl makes his way to wrap himself behind you, "I heard you had a bad day at work, sorry about that cutie," frowning, he places a kiss on your exposed shoulder blade. "Ah... I guess I should also apologize for telling you not to bring an umbrella, huh?" he laughs sheepishly, and when you see Onion grip the spoon a little tighter, he buries his face into your shoulder.

"You better,"

"I already did!" he whined, and you laugh. The sound making both your lovers smile, "but seriously, I'm sorry, cutie. I really should've... listened to Onion. Fuck I can't believe I just said that,"

"You can call me next time, if you need someone to pick you up," Onion says, turning the stove off as he chooses to ignore what Nightowl said. Before the latter could interrupt, he continues, "and that goes to you, too."

The reply satisfies him, and he goes to help prepare the food, "I at least bought some snacks on the way home," he chirps, bubbly as usual.

"Did you? or did you enter a convenience store to shelter from the rain and felt guilty for leaving empty handed?" You chuckle at their banter, walking over to help your blonde boyfriend with the food before he could spill them in his mock anger.

"Guys," you warned playfully, taking the plate from his hands. Nightowl presses a kiss onto your cheeks as you grabbed it, thanking you silently, "Come on, I'm starving,"

That was enough to have them stop, and silently, you all prepared dinner together.

It was surprising how it had become a routine at this point. There were times when one of you couldn't come home for dinner in time and every time that happens you would wait for them. There was never a time you had dinner alone; it was always the three of you. And you had never planned that either. It had become a silent agreement ever since your relationship started.

"I call dibs on the movie!" Nightowl beams, placing the food on the coffee table. It was a Friday, and usually the three of you would settle on a movie to watch during dinner. It was one of those plans you had in lieu of going out because you knew none of you were up to it after a day of work and school, but also thought doing nothing would be a waste of the weekend.

He had chosen the movie the week before, but you didn't say anything. And if Onion remembered -- which he usually does, it's hard for him to forget anything -- he doesn't say anything either. Letting him bounce towards the couch and sink in the right side, remote in hand as he browses the romance category on Netflix.

"C'mere, cutie! help me pick!" he says, arms open for you to slide next to him. And you do, letting him hold you.

Onion joins by your left a moment later, snacks Nightowl bought out of guilt in tow. He settles beside you, arms snaking around your waist, "Anything but Encanto again, please. We don't need you belting into songs in the middle of the movie,"

"He's a good singer," you quip, and Onion looks at you with an unamused look as if that was the problem he wanted to avoid. You remember the last time you had movie night and put Encanto on (for the fourth time), the livelier of the two dancing and singing with the stamina of five horses all over the living room and eventually passing out before the movie even ended

"That's not on Netflix idiot," Nightowl sticks his tongue out, and your boyfriend rolls his eyes. The exchange was playful, and if someone told you that was possible back when you were still talking in the server, you would have laughed in disbelief.

Nightowl eventually settles on a Ghibli movie and sinks back into the couch, leaning into your shoulder as the opening scenes play. The light reflects in his eyes, and you could see the blue skies in them.

You sigh, letting yourself relax as well. Onion reaches over to pass the snacks over to your boyfriend and he lingers, hands coming up to rake his fingers in his hair. You hear Nightowl sigh as he leans in.

Opposites attract, was what you used to believe. But when you looked at the three of you, you knew that statement wasn't always true.

He eventually retracts his hand back and settles on intertwining his fingers with yours. You let him.

There, sandwiched between your lovers, you let yourself relax and forget about the day.

Outside, the rain continues to pour.

[darkmulti]

Hello I love your work so much, you are my fav writer I love your style and the way you paint your ideas! <3

I know you must have a lot of requests but could you please do a hard dom CEO jungkook, with innocent reader. Would be nice if you can add corruption kink, degrading and non con. Thank you!

⚠️: NON CON, DEGRADATION, CORRUPTION KINK, INNOCENT!READER, VIRGIN!READER, slapping, choking

-> I’m glad you like my work!! Sorry for the wait tho😭

-> I didn’t “add” too much corruption kink because it’s kinda hard to incorporate corruption kink and non con

-> sorry for any mistakes

“Y/N! In my office now!”

The moment you sat down on your chair, your boss called you again

You quickly stood up and hustled into his office

“Yes, Mr. Jeon. Is something wrong?”

You politely asked

“What the hell did you put in my coffee?”

“Regular, sir. Two milks and one sugar.”

“Did you check the expiration date on the milk?”

“Uh… no”

“God damnit! Are you trying to poison me, Y/N?! You can’t do the simplest tasks right! Get out of my sight.”

“Sir, I can make you another-”

“I said get out!”

You immediately left his office and sped off into your own

You closed the door gently before covering your mouth and bursting out into tears

The constant yelling and degrading was slowly breaking you down

He never appreciated any of your hard work, instead he focused on the small flaws you made

You knew you deserved better so that night you went home and wrote a resignation letter

The next day you went to work and gave it to Mr. Jeon

“Mr. Jeon, this is my resignation letter. I can’t work here anymore. It’s not good for my mental health.”

He poked his inner cheek with his tongue and crumbled the letter

“You have to give me a two weeks notice. That way I can start looking for your replacement. However, I have a business trip next week and you have to come with me.”

“What if I find someone that can take my place?”

“No, I want you to go with me and that’s final.”

Next week

You were at the airport with your carry on bag in hand and your passport in the other

Jungkook was in front of you, leading the way to the private jet

Once you both were seated, he poured himself and you a drink

“So, tell me why you want to quit.” He said, taking a sip of his Blue Label whiskey

You didn’t want to tell him the real reason, which was because of him

You thought it’d make the trip more awkward if he knew that you were quitting because of him and you also didn’t want to sound mean

So the best excuse you could come up with was that you found a more suitable job

You told him lies after lies, thinking that he was believing you

Little did you know, Jungkook could see right through you

He knew the real reason you were quitting was because of him

He was purposely cruel to you and you’ve finally reached your breaking point

It was amusing to him

Did you really think that you could trick him?

How cute

Jungkook knew that whole suitable job excuse was a lie because he keeps his eyes on you all day and night

While you were asleep, Jungkook broke into your apartment and installed tiny cameras all around

So he could keep an eye on you

He also hacked into your phone and installed a tracking app, just in case

He got access to all your emails, social media, phone calls, photos, text messages — ect.

Anyways, back to the private jet

You were in the back of the jet sleeping since it was a long flight and you get air sick

You felt something around your waist so you looked down and see a tattooed arm

You immediately recognized who it was and got up, waking up Jungkook in the process

“I- I’m sorry, sir. You should’ve woke me up and I would’ve given you the bed.”

“It’s fine, we’re about to land anyways.”

After you guys landed, you both headed towards the car in the hangar

The driver took you both to a luxury hotel

The building itself was super unique

The transparent, rooftop pool was definitely something you were looking forward to

Jungkook had paid for your hotel room

You guys had rooms right next to each other so it’s more convenient for him

It was still 10 in the morning, so Jungkook allowed you to sleep for a little while but by 12pm, you guys had to leave for an important meeting

The afternoon was packed with meetings, presentations & preparations for a small business party

You were exhausted because Jungkook kept you running back and forth while he was sitting on his ass

By the end of the day you were tired as hell, but luckily everything went smoothly

Jungkook seemed to be okay with how everything turned out

You were relieved to say the least

He’d usually find something to complain about

It was 10pm when you both arrived at the hotel

Jungkook said he was going to go shower and sleep so you bid goodnight and went into your room

Even though you were physically and mentally exhausted, your mind couldn’t fall asleep

You figured it was because of the amount of coffee you consumed

Since you couldn’t fall asleep, you decided to put on your swimming suit and go upstairs to try out the pool

Once the elevator doors opened, you were surprised to see so many people on the rooftop dancing and drinking

You still went to the pool even though it was loud and packed

On your way to the pool, you accidentally bumped into a group of guys

They notice your somewhat revealing swimming suit and offered a drink

You were going to reject but all of them were pressuring you to have at least one drink with them, so you stupidly agree

One drink turned into two and so on

You started dancing with the guys and they were all cheering you on

This was it

This was the attention you were craving for

You were a little wasted but still had your senses

You held one of the boy’s hand and took him to the swimming pool

“You said you were good at swimming… so make sure I don’t drown.” You drunkly said before jumping in

The man chuckled at your behaviour and jumped in afterward to make sure you don’t do anything dumb

After swimming, you had more drinks and danced more with everyone

The night was going so well until someone pulled you away from all the chaos

“Heyyyy, what’re you doing man? The party’s over there.” You said, pointing back to the crowd

He wasn’t responding so you tried to look at his face but the lights were burning your eyes

You looked down at his arm and recognize his tattoos

Once you realized who he was, it was too late

“M- Mr. Jeon, why’re you up so late?”

He brought you back to his room and shoved you in

Jungkook pushed you against the door and slapped you hard

It brought you back to reality real fast

“Are you dumb, Y/N?! Going upstairs without telling me anything, drinking and dancing with men you don’t know— do you know how dangerous that is?! Is your head hollow?!” He yelled in your face and hit the side of your head a couple of times, checking if it was hollow

“Do you know what they would’ve done to you if I didn’t come?! Let me fucking show you.”

He pushed you towards the bed and you slipped because of your wet feet

You started backing away from him, but you knew you were doomed when your back hit the side of the bed

“Mr. Jeon, please. I was just trying to have fun-” another hard slap landed on your cheek and this one was enough to make you tear up

“Fun? You want to have fun? Okay then, let’s have some fun.”

He pulled you up by your wrist and pushed you down on the bed

“Mr. Jeon, please! I’m so sorry! I don’t know how it all happened!”

You were sobbing at this point because Jungkook looked terrifying

He was beyond pissed and his eyes were showing it all

“You think a “sorry” can fix what you did?! You’re so fucking stupid! This is why I yell at you all the time because your dumb, little head knows nothing. Without me, you wouldn’t be living so comfortably. I give you a good pay, so you can pay rent, buy food and clothes without worrying about money. But, what do I get in return? A resignation letter…” he scoffs before continuing “… You’re just a dumb, naive, whore that would be homeless right now if I didn’t take care of you. Maybe this is why your parents abandoned you.”

Your bottom lip started to wobble and before you knew it, you were bawling your eyes out in front of him

His words were so harsh, you weren’t ready for it at all

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

You apologized over and over and over but he still wasn’t satisfied

“H- how can I make it up? Please, give me a chance.”

His hand went towards your private area and you started shaking your head profusely

“No, no, no… anything but that please…”

“Well, there’s nothing else that you have that I want.”

“I’m n- not comfortable though.”

Jungkook grabbed your face and stared deep into your eyes

“Does it look like I care?”

Jungkook continued on

He ripped your swim suit off and pulled down his pants

“Please be gent-”

You screamed when you felt him push into you

You grabbed his arms and tried to push him away but he easily dominated you

He pinned your hands above your head and spat down on his cock for some lube

Without any warning, he pushed his full length in, causing you to squirm around and cry

Your purity blood dripped down onto the bed sheets while you kept pleading for him to stop

“Mr. Jeon, please! I- I was sa- saving till marriage.” You sobbed

“That’s even better. Now we can get married.”

“No! No! I don’t want that.”

Jungkook pushed your legs apart and started going at a fast pace

“You don’t want to get married to me? Well, that’s too bad because I don’t care about what you want.”

Each of his thrust were powerful and rough

He wrapped his hand around your neck so anytime you rejected him in a way, he’d squeeze until you’d shut up

Your face was hot and red from all the slapping and choking

He covered your neck in hickeys

All night, he was fucking you

The headboard was banging against the wall so hard, it left dents in the wall

There was cum overflowing out of you, but Jungkook still didn’t stop

He pounded you until your body gave up on you

You couldn’t fight anymore

You weren’t talking, crying or moving

All you could do was whimper softly when it really hurt

Jungkook noticed you were on the verge of passing out, so he quickened up his pace and came into you before collapsing on top of you

“You would’ve been in so much more pain if I didn’t save you from those guys. So what do you say to me?”

You weakly open your eyes and look into his

“T- Thank you.” You whisper softly before falling unconscious

Decided to end it here bc I don’t have the brain power to continue writing. Sorry for any mistakes. It’s 2am

[pikapeppa]

Professor Solas AU: Wrong

Chapter 7 of Inadvisable (Solas +Abelas + Felassan modern university AU) is posted! 

In which Tamaris decides whether to bother replying to Felassan’s message, and Solas talks shop with Abelas... then fantasizes thinks about Nare.

~4500 words; read on AO3 instead.

*********************

- TAMARIS -

Tamaris opened the apartment door for Feynriel and gave him a stern look. “All right, follow those aftercare instructions properly. No swimming, no scented moisturizer shit.”

Feynriel nodded and smiled, then winced. “Ow. Smiling hurts my face.”

Tamaris smirked. “Yeah, that’s what happens when you get tattoos on your cheeks. It’ll stop hurting in a couple of days.” She tapped the aftercare instruction pamphlet in his hand. “If you have questions, problems, you call me, okay?”

He nodded and stepped out of the apartment. “Okay. Thanks again, Tamaris. For the history lesson and everything as well as the vallaslin.”

“Anytime,” she said. She waited for him to make his way down the stairs, then closed the door behind him and went to clean up the detritus of their tattoo session.

She padded down the hallway that led toward Athera’s bedroom and turned into the fourth bedroom, which did double-duty as her tattoo studio and Nare’s art studio. She threw away the crumpled witch hazel and alcohol wipes and the unused tattoo ink, and as she placed the used needle into the sharps container, she made a mental note to change the nearly-full container to a new one. 

She sighed wearily as she wiped the counter down with bleach; she already had another full sharps container in the corner, so it was probably time to take them all to the pharmacy down the street to dispose of them properly. 

When the space was clean once more, Tamaris plopped down onto her padded stool with a sigh, then reached for her phone. Just as she was about to pick it up, she remembered the message she’d received that morning.

Her belly jolted. She hesitated for a second, then picked up her phone and swiped through to her PMs on Instagram.

felassan 08:13AM Deep mushroom sometime?

She huffed to herself. She could practically see his shit-eating grin in the letters on her screen. 

She pursed her lips as she studied the short message. In all honesty, she was surprised to hear from him. After coming home from the mixer last night with Athera and Nare, Tamaris had spent some time wondering why the fuck Felassan had left her in the alley instead of coming home with her, and she could only conclude that she must have offended him somehow. She had a tendency to do that, after all; when you were as short-tempered and indelicate as Tamaris could be, pissing people off kind of came with the territory. 

It must have been when she called him a playboy. Everything seemed like it was going fine until that point. But that’s hardly an insult if it’s true, she thought in disgruntlement. Despite Felassan’s protests that he wasn’t a smooth operator, she didn’t believe him. She had no reason to believe him, after all. He was a handsome and charming man who seemed to know all the right things to say to soften her up, and the way he kissed her was nothing short of perfectly seductive, so of course she didn’t believe him.

Tamaris ultimately went to bed last night concluding that even if she had offended Felassan, it was for the best. Someone that handsome and smooth-talking could only be full of shit, so she was better off without him.

But then she’d woken up around ten to find that he had messaged her early this morning. The fact that he’d contacted her had thrown her off so much that she’d closed the app and not replied. 

Now, almost five hours after he’d sent that message, Tamaris still hadn’t replied. And she wasn’t sure she even should. What was the point, after all? She didn’t want anything other than simple and uncomplicated sex. This contact with Felassan was already more complicated than it needed to be, with his whole disappearing act last night followed by this coy message on Instagram this morning.

Too much trouble,  she thought, and she closed the app once more. But as she sat there on her stool with her phone dangling from her hand, she couldn’t help but think about some of the things he’d said last night. 

He’d said she was looking for a reason to smile. It sounded like a smooth line, but there was something about the way he said it that made her think he actually meant it. Something about the look on his face, like he somehow knew what it was like to be looking for a reason to be optimistic and hopeful and all that shit. 

And if he really did mean it, if he really did think she’d been searching the for a reason to smile…

All the more reason to avoid him, she thought grumpily. The last thing she needed was someone who was going to act like he knew her based solely on the look on her face. 

She sat idly on her stool for a few minutes. Then she opened Instagram and swiped through to Felassan’s profile.

It was devoid of any helpful insights, unfortunately. His profile was empty with no photos at all, not even a profile photo.

Fucking weird, she thought. She stared at her screen for a moment longer, then swiped back to her PMs. 

felassan 8:13AM Deep mushroom sometime?

She stared at the message for a moment. Then, before she could change her mind, she replied.

tamaris_tattoos 12:43PM  your empty insta makes you look like a predator. or a grandma

She minimized the app without waiting for a response and checked her emails instead. She read through her emails for a minute, then returned to Instagram. 

felassan 12:43PM Is that how you speak to all of your potential clients?

She scoffed before replying.

tamaris_tattoos 12:45PM shut the fuck up. you’re not a potential client

felassan 12:45PM Not with that charmingly rude attitude, I’m not.

tamaris_tattoos 12:45PM what do you want then

felassan 12:45PM A repeat of last night wouldn’t go amiss.

Her heart skipped a beat, but he was typing another message. 

felassan 12:45PM The deep mushroom, I mean. Whoever your source is, the quality of their product is excellent.}

Tamaris smirked despite herself. He was such a cheeky shithead.

tamaris_tattoos 12:45PM no source. i grow my own and no, i won’t sell you any, so don’t bother to ask

felassan 12:45PM I wouldn’t dare ask. It wouldn’t be the same if I couldn’t enjoy the taste of your lips on the joint.

She barked out a laugh before replying.

tamaris_tattoos 12:46PM you’re so full of shit lol you say you’re not a playboy and then you throw down a line like that

felassan 12:46PM And yet you replied. With a ‘lol’ to boot. I must be doing something right.

tamaris_tattoos 12:46PM you’re fucking bold you know that

felassan 12:46PM Only when I’m deeply inspired. But I will back off if that’s what you want.

Tamaris hesitated for a long moment. She hated to admit it, but his cleverness was extremely attractive. And the way he kissed her last night…

She nibbled the inside of her cheek for a second. Then, slowly, she tapped out another message. 

tamaris_tattoos 12:47PM fine. drinks later. what’s your number

felassan 12:47PM Now who’s bold?

tamaris_tattoos 12:47PM for fuck’s sake do you want to meet up or not

felassan 12:47PM I would be honoured. Let me know the time and place. 519-555-3352

tamaris_tattoos 12:48PM ok i’m not bringing any deep mushroom though so you’re shit out of luck if that’s what you wanted

felassan 12:48PM I assure you that deep mushroom is the last thing on my mind.

She huffed and closed the app. He was way too smooth. There was no way he wasn’t a playboy.

It was fine, though. She’d just meet up with him, have a drink, fuck him, and then she’d never have to see him again. 

Good plan, she told herself. She went back to her bedroom and grabbed her laptop, then sat down in the living room to read her emails and messages from possible clients until her two o’clock client arrived. But as she looked through the reference pics that one possible client had sent her, she found herself thinking about Felassan and his surprising lack of tattoos – specifically of vallaslin.

She supposed she shouldn’t be that surprised that Arlathani elves didn’t share the same traditions as Dalish elves. The elves that had eventually split off into the Dalish clans had left Arlathan hundreds of years ago, after all. Maybe even a thousand years ago? Athera would know the exact dates if she was here. Regardless, it was long enough for traditions to change. But still, the way Felassan described the difference between the Dalish and the Arlathani elves was interesting: so far removed as to be incomparable. That was a pretty intriguing statement, if Tamaris was honest. Not to mention that thing he’d said about there being a reason he had decided to stay in Orlais instead of going back to Arlathan… 

She mulled this over for a moment, then shrugged it off. It’s probably just a ploy, she thought. All part of his charm to try and get her interested enough to see him again. And here she was, falling into his charming trap. 

She tsked at herself and got up to make a cup of coffee. It’s not falling into his trap if this is the last time I see him, she thought. And really, that’s all there was to it: she’d see him this one time, have sex with him, and that would be the end of it. It’s not like she was emotionally equipped to actually fall for anyone, anyway.

And certainly not for a smooth-as-fuck player like Felassan.

- SOLAS -

Late that afternoon, after all the students and research assistants had gone home, Solas sat at the desk in his office staring absently at his computer screen. 

He really should be working. He had meant to finish editing the response piece he was submitting to the Journal of Orlesian History by tomorrow afternoon, and he had an early meeting with Merrill in the morning, so tonight was really the only time he had to finish the edits. 

He put on his reading glasses and signed into his computer, then opened the response piece and stared at it without taking in a single word. He really needed to focus, but his thoughts were spinning fruitlessly through his head like leaves in a windstorm, and they kept coming back to Nare. 

Nare, the irresistible woman from the bar last night — the student from the bar last night. 

Nare, his Master’s student. 

He rubbed his forehead. It still felt surreal that the beautiful and tempting woman who had approached him so boldly at the bar last night was his new Master’s student. 

And to his shame, the fact that she was his student hadn’t diminished his interest in her at all.

Quite the opposite, in fact. In his art theory and critique seminar today, she had asked so many incisive questions about the ancient Elvhen principles of art criticism that he’d had a hard time keeping a straight face while answering her. And then she’d actually engaged him in a rousing debate about whether those principles were still relevant today when there was so much interaction between different forms and traditions of art. Solas was as impressed by the quality of Nare’s logic as he was by the fact that she dared to debate with him — something that few students did. 

All in all, she was proving to be just as keen and inquisitive as she was beautiful. And for Solas, this was a terrible problem. 

He blew out a bracing breath. It is not a problem, he assured himself; after all, he and Nare both wanted the same thing: a good mentor-student relationship. And her behaviour during the seminar had been very professional.

If he didn’t count the intense way she watched him during the lecture portion of his seminar, or those mischievous little smiles she gave him when no one else was looking. 

He frowned at himself and ran a hand over his scalp as though to brush the thoughts away. There was no reason for him to think that she was trying to flirt with him during the seminar with her oceanic eyes or her little smiles. He was probably just imagining her to be a vixen because of the way she’d approached him last night.

That was over now, though. He ought to forget entirely about the Nare he had met last night at the campus bar, and focus solely on the Nare who was his clever and sharp-minded Master’s student. 

He sighed. If only he wasn’t finding her intelligence as alluring as her smile or the enticing curve of her spine. 

Then someone knocked on the door.

Solas’s heart leapt into his throat. Was it possible that it was Nare?

He cleared his throat subtly. “Yes?” he called. 

When Abelas opened the door, Solas couldn’t decide whether to be relieved or disappointed. “Abelas,” he greeted. “Are you heading home shortly?”

“Not yet,” Abelas said. He entered the office and closed the door behind him. “I wanted to discuss a few things with you before we part ways for the night.”

“Certainly,” Solas said. “What’s on your mind?”

Abelas handed him a report. “The waitlists for our program’s classes are growing longer still. We should consider speaking to the head of the history department about an increase in class sizes.”

Solas scanned the first page of the report, then looked up at Abelas in surprise. “The waitlist for your fourth-year literature class has more students than the class itself.”

“You see the problem, then,” he said.

“This is not a problem,” Solas said. “This is excellent.” He smiled at Abelas. “You should be pleased that your class is so popular.”

“Hm,” Abelas grunted. “Your first- and second-year classes are also particularly in demand.”

“Not the upper year ones, however,” Solas said drolly. 

Abelas raised one eyebrow. “It seems that your reputation precedes you, Fen’Harel.”

Solas laughed. “Hearing that nickname from Felassan is bad enough. Am I to suffer it from you as well, then?”

Abelas grunted again, and Solas fondly noted the twitch of a near-smile at the corner of Abelas’s mouth. Then Abelas pointed to the report. “Speaking of Felassan: his courses are overly popular as well.” He folded his arms. “I believe it’s because he is being too lenient with grading.”

“What makes you think that?” Solas asked.

“He said as much today,” Abelas said.

Solas frowned. “He did?”

“Yes, when he was speaking to Athera.”

Solas relaxed. “Ah. It was more than likely a joke.”

Abelas pursed his lips. “I have my doubts. I will find some time to audit his classes in the next two weeks.”

 “Why?” Solas said in surprise.

“To ensure that he is fulfilling his duties properly.”

Solas eyed him with growing exasperation. Abelas has always had an admirable devotion to his work, but ever since they had come to Orlais, his devotion had almost become an obsession. 

“I don’t believe that such extreme measures are necessary,” Solas said.

Abelas frowned. “It doesn’t bother you to imagine him making a mockery of our work here? You would rather let him have free reign than allow me to audit his classes?”

Solas raised his eyebrows at Abelas’s waspish tone, then slowly sat back in his chair. “It is not my place to allow you to do anything,” he said evenly. “You are the program director, after all.”

Abelas clenched his jaw, and Solas sympathetically regarded his longtime friend. “You are doing it again, you know,” he said gently. “Taking on more than is necessary to keep things running smoothly.” 

“I am not taking on too much,” Abelas snapped. “I am doing what my duty requires of me.”

Solas steadily met his eyes, then switched to Elvhen. “This is not the military, Abelas.”

“I am aware of that,” Abelas retorted.

“Are you?”

Abelas clenched his jaw and looked away before speaking in the common tongue once more. “I will have a word with Felassan. In private.”

“That sounds like a much better plan,” Solas said. He put his reading glasses back on and turned to his computer. “Is there anything else? I have some editing to do that requires my undivided attention.”

Abelas frowned. “For the response piece? I thought you had intended to finish that before your seminar.”

“I had, yes,” Solas said wryly. “But I have been unusually distracted.” He forced his expression to remain pleasantly neutral as he spoke. He was telling the truth, after all; he had been regrettably distracted all afternoon. There was absolutely no need to tell Abelas that the distraction was in the form of his alluring new Master’s student.

Abelas raised his eyebrows. “Distracted? That is unlike you.”

Solas gave him a small smile. “There is no need to rub it in.”

“That was not my intention,” Abelas said. He clasped his hands behind his back. “Are you in need of assistance?” 

Solas shot him a wry look. “And add another task to your overfilled plate? I wouldn’t dare, for fear that you would actually agree to take it on.”

Abelas harrumphed, but before he could reply, there was another knock on Solas’s door. 

Solas raised his eyebrows at Abelas — who else was still here at this hour? — then called out to the person at the door. “Come in.”

The door opened, and Athera poked her head in with a smile. “Hi Solas, I — oh, Abelas! I mean, Professor Abelas. I didn’t… um.” She broke off and shot them both a sheepish smile. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just going to let you know I finished digitizing the contents of one shelf in the archive room. I’ll—”

Abelas cut in. “You finished the first shelf?”

“Not the whole bookshelf,” Athera said quickly. “Just the top shelf of the first bookshelf.”

Abelas blinked. “You — the entire top shelf?”

Athera’s smile was fading into a cautious look. “Yes. Is that okay?”

“It’s excellent, Athera,” Solas said firmly. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” she said. “I’ll keep going tomorrow when I have time.”

Solas nodded and smiled, and Athera smiled back at him before shifting her gaze to Abelas. “Let me know if you want me to start that proposal for the NAS system,” she said.

“Not yet,” Abelas said brusquely. “I must review the program budget first.” 

To Solas’s mild surprise, Athera wasn’t cowed by Abelas’s unfriendly tone; instead, she widened her grey eyes. “I know. I’m just saying to let me know when and I’ll get started.”

Abelas folded his arms and nodded. Then Athera tugged her ear and gave them both an awkward little smile. “Okay, uh, goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Solas said politely.

She shot Abelas one last glance before leaving the office. Once she was gone, Abelas sighed and ran a hand over his braid.

Solas raised his eyebrows. “You were nearly polite. I’m impressed.”

Abelas shot him a resentful look, then rubbed his chin. “I… snapped at her earlier today,” he admitted.

Solas sighed. “Abelas…”

“Do not act as though you are surprised,” he complained. “You knew I didn’t want her here. I didn’t want a lab coordinator.”

“You said you understood the necessity of the position,” Solas said.

“I know what I said,” Abelas said in a hard voice. “I am allowed to understand the need but still be resentful.”

“As long as you don’t remain resentful for too long,” Solas said. He clicked his mouse to wake up the screen, then looked at his colleague over the top of his glasses. “You know I insisted on this position out of concern for you.”

“I am aware,” he muttered. “You remind me incessantly.”

Solas lifted his chin slightly, and Abelas sighed. “I understand the necessity, Solas.”

“All right.” Solas quickly corrected a typo, then shot him a sideways glance. “You don’t have genuine concerns about her competence, do you?”

Abelas hesitated for long enough that Solas actually paused his activities to look at him fully. “Do you truly have concerns?”

“No,” Abelas said. “She appears to be…” He sighed and ran his hand over his hair once more. “She is more organized and efficient than she appears to be.”

Solas raised his eyebrows. “That sounds like praise. I don’t know if I should believe my ears.”

Abelas shot him an annoyed look. “She is trying to change things after a single day here.”

Solas smiled faintly. “Some change was inevitable when bringing in a new member of the lab. And I know you have no great love for change–”

“Don’t make me sound so inflexible,” Abelas snapped. “I left Arlathan to come to this place, did I not?”

“Reluctantly, yes,” Solas said.

Abelas folded his arms, and Solas leaned his elbows on the desk. “It is temporary, Abelas,” he said soothingly. “Just remember that. Our contract lasts for three more years, and then we can return home. But we must—”

Abelas interrupted him. “We need to obtain exclusive rights to the Elvhen ruins in the Arbour Wilds first,” he said testily. “I haven’t forgotten.”

“I know you haven’t,” Solas said. “Just remember this when you are feeling irritated. The situation is temporary.”

Abelas nodded, then took a step back from his desk. “I will leave you to your work.”

Solas shot him a knowing look over the top of his glasses. “You should leave for the night.”

Abelas replied in Elvhen. “The rose should not disdain the holly leaf for its thorns.”

Solas laughed. “Don’t quote classic Arlathani poetry at me. My current circumstances are exceptional. You are a workaholic.”

Abelas harrumphed and left without a reply, closing the office door behind him. Solas chuckled as he settled back into his work, and for a time, he was actually able to concentrate on his edits. 

When his phone chimed with a text, however, his mind instantly went to Nare. 

He glanced eagerly at his phone, but a little thud of disappointment jolted his belly; it was just a text from Dorian inviting him for lunch next week. 

He sighed and turned back to his computer, but his focus was once again spoiled by thoughts of Nare — guilty thoughts about the fact that he was hoping she would text him. She had no reason to text him, after all; they wouldn’t need to meet one-on-one for another week. In fact, she would likely not need to return to the lab until their next meeting, so it was possible that he might not have any contact with her at all for an entire week. 

That thought shouldn’t disappoint him so much, especially since they had only just met. There was absolutely no reason that Solas should be this preoccupied by thoughts of Nare’s keen mind and her scintillating laugh. There was no good reason that he should be thinking this much about the way her smile shifted from shy to coquettish to heatedly brazen and bold. 

There was no reason why three encounters with this one woman should be enough to bring him to his knees. 

Or better yet, to imagine her on her knees in front of him. 

A sudden flash of a fantasy invaded his mind: Nare on her knees before him wearing that lovely red dress from last night, her palms resting demurely on her knees while Solas tilted her chin up with one hand. Nare lifting her chin eagerly, bringing her smiling lips closer to the rising hardness of his shaft. Nare panting and struggling to remain upright while Solas knelt in front of her in a similarly compromising position… 

His trousers felt tight around his groin. He scowled at his lap and shifted in his chair to try and relieve the pressure. Stop this, he scolded himself. It was wrong to feel this way. It was wrong to feel so drawn to Nare – to feel as though the connection they had made last night was something rare and precious, and to want to foster that connection.

Just like it had been wrong of him to confess to her during their meeting today that she was so thoroughly distracting. And it was certainly wrong for him to feel a distinct unfurling of satisfaction in his gut at the hopeful widening of her eyes when he’d made that forbidden confession.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, momentarily defeated by his own traitorous libido. He closed his eyes and briefly ran his palm over his own hardness through his trousers. Not enough to bring himself any kind of release, of course, but enough to soothe himself… and unfortunately, to worsen the fantasies that were running unchecked through his mind. 

Solas sat idly in his office chair for a time, thinking terrible tempting thoughts and cursing himself silently for his lack of discipline while his work sat untouched on the screen before him. If wanting Nare was so completely wrong, why did the wanting have to feel so torturously good? 

[addierose444]

Back to Campus: Spring 2021

It has been 10 long months since I last stepped foot on the Smith College campus (or out of my home state for that matter). I am now officially back! Hooray! As I said in a recent post, I was prioritized for early arrival due to my job in ResLife as a Community Advisor. As I only just got here and am far from being settled in, this post is mostly just about the process. Hopefully this year I will actually post a room tour of sorts! (Last year, I literally only posted a photo of my emptied out room).  

Back in mid-December, I signed up for an arrival slot (2:00 on Friday the 22nd of January). I was so excited about returning to campus that I started packing quite a while ago. To make the packing process easier in the future, I created an extensive packing list. To read my college essentials guide, click here. On Friday, my dad drove me to Smith. Before returning to campus, we stopped by the house of some family friends to grab the rest of my dorm essentials. Since Massachusetts considers my state (Vermont) high-risk, I wasn’t allowed to move directly into my spring housing. At this point in time, Massachusetts and Hawaii are the only states with low-risk status. 

My house, Parsons, has been using Discord for our virtual house community. You can read about the other apps I use in (remote) college here. As I was the first one on campus, I decided to keep my residents updated on the check-in and quarantine process. This was not part of my job in ResLife, but it definitely felt relevant to that work. Even though I am a returning student and in ResLife, I didn’t fully know what to expect and figured others would appreciate a student’s perspective. I was already planning on writing this blog post but decided to just compile my updates here. For starters, I didn’t see the need for a total rewrite. I also thought it would be a fun and different post style. Lastly, I think there is value in knowing what people are thinking in the moment rather than just reflectively. Note that my updates are written to my Parsons residents and weren’t edited to reflect the audience of this blog. I did add some additional images to this blog post, but most were also sent via Discord.

Friday @ 1:19

Parsons in real life! 

Friday @ 4:07

Just a quick update. I have moved into my quarantine location and thought I would let you all know a little more about the check-in process from a student's perspective. All official information can be found in an email titled "IMPORTANT ARRIVAL INFORMATION". You basically just enter the CC, present your OneCard (unless you are a new student in which case you will receive yours), follow the arrows, and do what you are told. The whole process is quick and easy. The COVID test is painless (you can feel it though) as the swab doesn't need to go super deep into your nose like with other tests. While I strongly advise showing up at your scheduled time, if you are a little bit early, you may be able to check-in anyway. (I checked-in about 20 minutes early without an issue). The only hiccup I had was that I got the wrong room key (my correct room number but for Park House). As it's hard to hear people with masks on, be sure to check the envelope containing your room key and bracelet before leaving the ResLife table (to avoid going around the CC for a second time like I had to). I think check-in will only get better and even going around twice was still very quick and easy. If you have concerns and would like to talk to me about them, feel free to send me an email or direct message me here on Discord. As for moving things into Parsons, it was exhausting as no one was allowed to help me. When you arrive at Parsons, someone (possibly me) should be there to greet you (and make sure you don't stay over an hour). (Some of you may also meet me in the CC as I will be helping distribute keys). See you soon! 

Friday @ 5:02

As for the quarantine location, I am currently quarantined in the Ellery Inn. The other location is the Fairfield Inn & Suites. You can get to either location by way of a free shuttle. (Your ticket is the bracelet you receive at check-in). Students sit far apart with masks, but I personally felt more comfortable having my dad drop me off at the hotel. It is also worth noting that both hotels are within walking distance. The bracelet is also important so that staff in the house know you are allowed to be there. (If you have approved guests (low-risk state), I think they also get bracelets). I haven't learned the whole color-coding system, but my bracelet is red and lists my Parsons and Ellery rooms. My quarantine room is actually really nice. I have a comfortable king-sized bed and my own bathroom. When you arrive you get a bag with a few snacks, water, activities from OSE, and general information (including the wifi password). I will keep you posted on the food situation as dinner is yet to arrive. I will momentarily post the menu that was in my welcome bag. Hopefully, these updates are somewhat helpful or interesting. Let me know if you have specific questions.  

Friday at 5:15

Still waiting on dinner (to be delivered before 7), but here are the aforementioned snacks.

Friday @ 5:34

Dinner! Will let you know how it is soon, but my roommate from last year has said "The chicken is very tender!". Basically what happens is the people delivering the food knock loudly on the door, announce "dinner" and leave paper bags outside your room. Breakfast for tomorrow was also delivered.

Friday @ 6:18

I was initially quite worried about the food situation (during quarantine) as I am a picky eater and didn't get to choose the meal. (It's all based on the food preference form). The first dinner was much better than I feared. The chicken had flavor, was tender, and was fully cooked. The greens were also tasty. The potatoes could have used some ketchup but were pretty good when eaten with the chicken. I don't really like beets, so I just ate a few to try them. They didn't have much flavor but were well cooked. As for the cookies, they had good flavor but were very hard. Overall, I was unnecessarily worried about the food situation but am definitely excited to get out of quarantine to pick my own food among other things.

Friday @ 6:26

Tomorrow's breakfast! Looks pretty good other than the fact I hate bananas. I am most excited about the vanilla soy milk. I just don't get why we get plastic bottled water at each meal.

Saturday @ 11:51

Lunch for day two in quarantine has arrived. Another gripe that I have is that we get a new full set of plastic silverware at each meal. It's the compostable kind, but I don't think it's going to be composted. So far quarantine is boring, but not that bad. There is a TV in the room with cable and Roku. Make sure you pack your quarantine bag carefully as you cannot leave your room until you get an official release email from ResLife. The rooms (at least mine) have a mini-fridge, so if you have food or medications that require refrigeration, not to worry. We got an email today saying that we will be released on Monday at the latest. I initially had the impression we'd get out on Sunday and yesterday it sounded like we may get out today. I am obviously hoping to get out sooner rather than later, but I'll just have to wait and see.

Saturday @ 5:57

Dinner day two. Even though I have been busy with a French essay, I am definitely getting restless here in quarantine.

Saturday @ 6:38

Yesterday's dinner was better than today's, but this one wasn't too bad. The tortillas were dry, so the meal was better and less messy without them. My main critique is that while the beef had good flavor, it was tough. I also think yesterday's greens were a little bit better. Here's what I got for tomorrow's breakfast. I am hoping to be released from quarantine tomorrow, but it could be as late as Monday. Quarantine releases are at noon or 4 pm.

Sunday @ 9:15

I passed my initial COVID screening! (Still waiting on my official release email from ResLife). Just for a reference point, I took my test a little before 2 pm on Friday and got the results email at around 11 last night. (Basically, you get an email letting you know that the lab results are available and are given a registration code to set up your account).

Sunday @ 11:45

Well, I am still in quarantine, but at least lunch has arrived. Noon is fast approaching, so I might not be getting released until 4.

Sunday @ 12:33

I finally received the official release email from ResLife!!! I can leave as soon as 1 pm and must be moved out by 4 pm. Like with arrival, there are shuttles every half hour. Starting tonight I will be ordering my food through the Grubhub app and picking it up myself. I also have another COVID test scheduled for tomorrow.

Sunday @ 1:17

I am officially back at Parsons! (I decided to walk instead of taking the shuttle). Feel free to continue asking questions, but I think this is the end of my arrival updates. See you soon!

[sabinefm]

( bruna marquezine , cis female , peach ) welcome to aida&stefano , SABINA REUBE ! thank you for choosing to stay here. in this form it says that you go by the SHE / HER , you’re TWENTY THREE years old , you’re originally from SAN FRANCISCO , and you’ve been staying here for ONE YEAR . it also says you’re known to be + RESOURCEFUL , but also - SELFISH. that really shouldn’t be a problem though. check in at the front , hope you enjoy your stay ! (the click of heels, hot sand under your bare feet, chocolate covered strawberries, the imprints a bra leaves on your skin, red lipstick staining your fingertips )

ABOUT THE MUN.  i hope this email never finds you 

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever in my life sdjkdskj this is especially true today, rip. no but honestly, i never thought i would actually get accepted into this beautiful rp so i stalled checking acceptances cause i’m a Scaredy Cat and that made me really late, and then i ended up taking the rest of my coworker’s shift cause she had to go and thus ended up coming home even later than i thought which has made me really really late... BUT against all the odds i’m here! and ready to party! and tell y’all about my bby sabina! but first a little bit about me, i am twenty four (ew), i can’t cook (rip), and i currently spend most of my lonely quarantine days either watching anime or scrolling through tiktok. i am canadian but every canadian that meets me thinks i’m american and i don’t know why. when i was a child i had an irrational (or yk very rational) fear of sharkboy from sharkboy and lava girl, and tbh it has never left me. i was also afraid of gill from kim possible so you can imagine my horror when that fish f*cking movie won an oscar?? when i was younger i also thot god looked like king triton from the little mermaid cause he was white and he had a beard yk. it fit in my little brain. and finally i just recently discovered girl in red and therefore feel like i finally got my bi girl card,,, feeling validated in this chillis tonight. and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about me idk what will. anyways, that’s officially enough about me onto who we’re all really here for, ms sabine!

BIO.  the lengths i would go to to both get attention and avoid it... astounding  tldr ; daughter of a guy who created a dating site + app, came to a&s after leaving her husband to be at the alter after catching him cheating with her mother, wants to be a bad bitch, sometimes succeeds. 

THEN.

sabina came into the world the child of a mediocre stay at home mom and a penniless entrepreneur so it goes without saying that she had very little. her dad had a lot of passion and a lot of drive but no one would really give him a chance, and her mother kind of only married the man because she was expecting him to make it big enough for her to never have to work another day in her life so? yeah she was hella disappointed tbh 

but not sabina! she looked up to her father so much as a child. while her mom was kind of ~emotionally unavailable~ her father was too, but like at least he had a dream he believed in, yk? he wanted to help people fall in love and sabine being the big romantic she was as a child had never heard of anything so noble. her daddy was her hero. sabina honestly had big daddy’s little girl vibes until she was like 22 tkjsdkjd

one day when their family credit card got rejected one too many times sabina’s mother called it quits on yk the whole mother gig. she left sabina on a bench outside of the grocery store while she went to go home and ‘get some cash’ which even at seven sabine knew was a damn lie cause they were too broke to have any damn cash. and yeah that was the last sabina heard of her for a long ass time. it was a reverse ‘dad went to get some cigarettes’ situation but just as traumatic honestly. 

although not as much for sabine’s dad. that man literally saw his wife leaving him as a minor setback and moved on. he threw himself harder into his work, to the point where sabine barely saw him. this was the start of sabine desperately trying to compete with her father’s business for even a sliver of his attention. this was a battle she usually lost. 

sabine raised herself for a while there, since her father yk remarried his job and her mother was following the jonas brother’s cross country. she became both very independent and very lonely for a child, which was an odd combination that both haunted sabine for pretty much the rest of her life after that point and lead her to make most of her worst decisions. but that’s a story for another time, because right when all hope was lost sabine’s father won the lottery. literally. 

all at once they were five million dollars richer. they went from nothing to everything real quick. and this marked a change in the reube’s lives in a way sabine couldn’t have even imagine at the time. 

sabine’s father hector used the money to fund his business and that shit blew up! he created a site by the name of loveisblind that was in the ring with the likes of match.com and christianmingle yk, one of those dating sites. everyone on loveisblind is set up on blind dates based on the information they fill out on their profile and are only allowed to see each other when they reach a certain point of emotional intimacy. the site had wild success rates, and got very popular, blah, blah, the point was the reubes? suddenly rich af!

and you think that would give hector more time to spend with his daughter right? no. it gave hector the money to hire nannies for his daughter. 

yes, somehow despite hector no longer having to work himself to the bone, sabine saw him even less. tragic really. she really became that lonely rich girl trope real quick, and this is what unfortunately got sabine into the habit of seeking the attention she wasn’t getting from her father in other men and women, which she is not proud of. 

that unfortunately didn’t fill the void that sabine had but you know what did? making the loveisblind app so her daddy would love her. basically around the time that tinder started gaining traction and getting popular, people stopped going on the loveisblind site and started instead turning to apps. her father was trying and failing to get into that market, and sabina, being yk, actually a lot more intelligent than her father ever gave her credit for, created the app for his site and pitched it to him over his lunch one day. it was honestly one of the first times sabina can remember her father really paying attention to her in the longest time. it was also the proudest she’s ever seen him. 

the app was a big success! a whole new generation was using it and finding love, including one ms sabine reube. in the early days of the app launch sabine met her prince charming, christopher ‘kit’ johannson. he swept her right off her feet, and she fell HARD, and when they debuted their relationship it wasn’t long until they kind of became the face of the app?? like sabine’s father was the creator after all, the fact that his daughter found love on the app too was big news for a while. people followed their relationship and strived for something like that for themselves. sabine didn’t know it at the time but they were basically a walking advertisement, and her father was LIVING for that.

fast forward a bit and your girl went to yale for computer engineering and business (did her daddy’s status and money ease the way? maybe man, nepotism am i right) whilst kit went to harvard, they were long distance for a bit before they graduated and kit very publicly proposed (the whole thing was well recorded too, gotta get that gram), and then both sab and kit moved in together and both started working for their families respective companies. it was around then that sabine started to understand just how much and how often kit was cheating on her. it was a real wakeup call. 

sabine ended up breaking down to her father about her suspicions, and he basically ended up telling her to suck it up and think of the business. the fact was sabine and kit, the face of their new generation and one of the first successful couples from the app getting married and living happily ever after was amazing for the company. and the two of them calling the whole thing off just because of a little infidelity just wasn’t going to cut it. 

now once again, this is where sabine’s deep desire to be loved and accepted really bites her in the ass. this was one of the first times sabine’s father had ever really asked her for anything so... she did it. or at least she did her best to do it. she lasted until the wedding day around the time where she caught kit and her own mother (who she only invited out of a deep rooted need to actually know the woman who gave birth to her again) going at it in the coat closet of their wedding venue. yeah, at that point sabine pretty much snapped, blacked out, smashed a whole wedding cake over kit’s head, and took their honeymoon to venice on her own. she arrived at Aida&Stefano with running mascara in a ruined wedding dress trying to ask about a honeymoon suite. it was a whole mess, but you know what so is sab so at least she was on brand. 

NOW.

after sabina arrived she spent about a week mourning her failed almost-marriage and yk, destroyed family before she decided to fuck it all and reinvent herself. she desperately wanted to become someone new, someone unrecognizable from who she was before, even if it was only on the inside. so she cut her hair (the first step to every transformation) hardened everything soft about herself and made the irrevocable decision to become a bad bitch. she (mostly) succeeded. kind of. 

sabine basically curb stomped out the soft, hopeless romantic people pleaser in her and decided to become someone more unsympathetic. someone who puts her own needs first instead of burning herself up to keep others warm (cause what good has that ever done her before?). someone who people would be afraid to hurt but who wouldn’t even feel pain anyways. and to sum it up that person is a heartless bitch. or at least she tries to be.

i’m gonna stop here because this is already a lot longer than i wanted it to be and i haven’t even got to the other sections yet rip but you get the point i feel

PERSONALITY.  *feels nothing* mmm, don’t like that *feels something but like too much* mmm not a fan of that either 

most of this is tbd because i’m still developing her but

VAIN. the kind of girl who will file her nails or check herself out in the mirror while you’re talking to her. will reapply her lipstick in the rearview mirror of her car while she’s driving. checks herself out in any reflective surface, i mean i would too if i looked like bruna but Still 

KIND. even though sab tries to be a hard ass she’s probably the most loyal, generous, kind person you would ever meet deep down. like she puts on this persona of being heartless, but if anyone needs her she will be there for them. kind of hates that she’s such a softie sometimes but she can’t help it. 

EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. doesn’t want to be hurt again and will do pretty much anything to avoid that. tries to keep people at arms length especially romantically. loves making friends though, and will indeed spoil them. 

HEADCANNONS.  who wants to hire me as their maid i’m not gonna clean im just gonna wear a cute maid outfit dust like 6 things and bend down a lot

has the vibes of that drunk rich aunt that’s always smoking like sexily as she looks far into the distance and wears like a super luxurious coat. will gossip with you. will buy you things your mom won’t. will cuss out your toxic father at the dinner table. that’s her energy.

unfortunately actually does smoke. i hate 

okay fun fact, the only reason sabine went to university for computer programming and business was because she felt her father wanted her to. she honestly has no real passion for the subject and just wanted to use her talent to make her father as proud of her as he was on the day she debuted that app to him. but now that making daddy proud isn’t like the only thing occupying her entire brain sabine like is like ??? wait what do i actually want to do with my life ??? and it took her a while to figure it out but after a while she fell back on one of her passions, art. she’s actually making a graphic novel aimed towards young adults about a modern day hades and persephone vibe, kind of about a girl who falls in love with the grim reaper and the lengths she goes to to chase after her (yes it is a Lady Reaper) into the depths of hell,,, it’s wild. she’s very proud of it but also kind of shy about it tbh. her go to critic is georgio, because she knows that little shit will be honest and yk what she respects that. 

but when it comes to making actual money your girl turns to cam work most of the time, because well. at the very least it’s quick, easy, and semi discreet. and sometimes she gets something out of it too. she figures it’s a win win, and she’s been doing it for about a year now, mostly because she absolutely refuses to use any of her father’s money. 

is allergic to cucumber. 

has a different 'relationship’ like every week or so, along with a few one night stands peppered in. unfortunately still attracted to people who are bad for her (kit for example was an asshole and a cheater and DEFINITELY conservative like she messed up on that one), but is also very afraid of falling in love again and letting herself get hurt, so she normally doesn’t let things last too long before she starts self sabotaging. 

if you ever catch sabine with like... her nails growing out or her nail polish chipped, something is wrong. like something is deeply wrong. sabine will have her nails done in the middle of the apocalypse, the only reason they would be less than perfect is if she is having a breakdown. always has colour on her nails, and usually it’s a shade of red, purple, or black. 

always has wild ass stories to tell about her tinder dates or one night stands and will tell them without shame for your entertainment. is a great storyteller honestly, a talent she got from her mother but she doesn’t want to admit that. 

fun fact, her mother mariah was PISSED when hector got rich AFTER she left him and tried for years to sue him or something but no dice. she was so angry and vengeful over the whole thing that she took the opportunity of being invited to her daughters wedding to get back at her husband where it hurt, his business. thus sleeping with kit. didn’t really think about how her daughter might feel about the whole thing because she was yk blinded by rage, but that’s just how mariah is so i mean,,, rip sabina. 

shops when she’s sad, or happy, or angry, or confused sdkjdsj will use any excuse to shop, and at this point she has more clothes than she knows what to do with. her style can be kind of out there at times, but she will let you borrow things though. 

she has a cat named momo. yes that is inspired by her being the peach skeleton. also has a parrot named poe i think. i also have the urge to give her a snake but... i will resist. so sabine wants a snake for sure 

her favourite colours are black and red

she is a horrible terrible driver. don’t drive with sabine unless you’re an adrenaline junkie or like want to die tbh 

her dad 100% set up the relationship between kit and sabine as a pr stunt, but sabine doesn’t know that yet and when she finds out her father used her like that ooh boy things are gonna get wildt. as it is now sabine just thinks she disappointed him and it’s kind of eating her alive. half the reason she’s staying here is because she doesn’t want to face him or yk her old life anymore. her father is so caught up in the shame she caused him that he hasn’t even tried to call her after the whole thing and the one time sabine got hella drunk and called him all he did was tell her what a disappointment she was and ask when she was coming back to work so we love ~parenting~

WANTED CONNECTIONS. girls will “🥺🥺🥺🥺” their way out of everything

close friends please and thanks, best friends also please, uh, can i get some awkward one night stands that avoid each other at all cost, can i get a neighbour who’s ear sabine is always talking off in the hallway between their rooms even tho they just want to go home but can’t because sabine is Oversharing, maybe a flirtationship, but also i would love an enemy (it could be for a ridiculous reason or a completely valid reason but either way please give it to me), someone she goes out dancing/partying with at piccolo, a sibling like relationship, a confidante, someone who she trusts to read her comic and maybe even do some linework, and absolutely anything else okay my brain is fried rn but i want it all! please like this and i will slip and slide into your dms <3

[shipping-receiving]

Fictober 2019 Day 27: “Can you wait for me?”

Rating: T | Word Count: 3413 Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones Relationship: Jaime Lannister / Brienne of Tarth Tags: Alternate Universe – Office Notes: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7

(read on AO3)

//////

All of a sudden, Brienne thinks she might have a boyfriend.

They haven’t talked about it—the word. The status. But she thinks she might have one.

It’s been just over a week since her very first date. Her very first kiss. Her very first time having a man over to her apartment for the purpose of kissing. Her very first time being at his apartment, which wasn’t supposed to be for the purpose of kissing, but became a location at which they had kissed, nonetheless. People don’t have boyfriends within a week of doing all those things, do they?

But it feels like she might have one.

She’s not seeing anyone else, obviously. And she knows he’s not, at least not in the past week, because—well, they’ve been together almost all the time. Unless he went on dates after work last Monday and Tuesday. Or in the middle of the night. Or after they had breakfast on Saturday, or before he was at her apartment on Sunday afternoon. Or maybe on Sunday night. Or those couple of times he went out for business meetings. But one of those times he took his assistant. He could be dating his assistant? But Peck is dating Pia in accounting, isn’t he?

Anyway, she supposes all those scenarios are plausible. But it sounds quite tiring for him, in her opinion, if Jaime is really doing any or all of that. And he probably wouldn’t have sent her sad face emojis on Monday evening, when she left for the gym in a hurry, right after work. She just—she needed some time to herself, to internalise everything. When she checked her phone after, she found that he had also texted her, I have a gym in my building, if you ever need to use it. That isn’t something you’d text someone if you were dating people in addition to that someone, right?

Then, on Tuesday morning, she had actually given Jaime advance notice about going over to Margaery’s that evening. Which is something they do now, apparently—tell each other about their schedules. It’s not that she was avoiding him per se, though she did feel guilty when he sent her a sad face emoji again, the one with the single tear. But Brienne just needed someone to be there in front of her—so she could externalise everything, this time—and Margaery told her Loras wasn’t going to be home that evening. So Brienne went over, told Margaery all that had happened since, Gods, since two days before, and sat through an indecent amount of shrieking in the process. She had to make Margaery promise not to do any of that shrieking without Brienne present, not even to her brother, and not to Renly.

She especially couldn’t do any of that shrieking in the office.

On Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, however, Jaime was all—See you after work? or Going to the gym tonight, wanna join? or Come by later. I’ll cook dinner. She had said yes to all of those things, even the last one, though she had been very suspicious of Jaime’s culinary skills considering he only had a single almost-empty container of milk on Monday morning. But he managed, something simple that still tasted wonderful, more wonderful because he had cooked it specially for her.

And then there was wine.

And then more kissing.

And then she slept on his couch this time, in the clothes she lent him when he slept on hers. He hadn’t asked her to share his bed—she had this feeling that he wanted to ask, even though he didn’t— but he had offered to sleep on the couch so she could have the bed all to herself. She said no, I couldn’t possibly, and he said please, you’re my guest, and they went back and forth about it for far too long, until she decided to just lie down on the couch and not move. He laughed in defeat, and had the concierge send up an extra blanket.

In the morning, he drove her back home. They had breakfast together for the very first time.

At the office, though, for this first week after their first date—Brienne didn’t know what to do. How to act. Jaime still came by her desk, but now there was something different to his smile, the way he said her name. It was this, this undercurrent of—I know. I know what it feels like to have your lips on mine. And she knew the same, could barely look in his eyes because she knew. It was because she knew that she felt she could no longer dance with him. She stopped walking by his office.

By Wednesday, he’d noticed. When he walked by her cubicle, smiled at her, said her name, it now had an undercurrent of—Where have you been? Dance with me, Brienne. What’s wrong with a little dance? But he didn’t bring it up on Wednesday evening, or Thursday evening, or Friday evening.

When she woke up on his couch, realised it was a Saturday morning, she felt awash with an immense relief. It was ridiculous, this relief of Saturday, as if she had survived some perilous ordeal. But it was just five days of—of working in the same office as the man who might be her boyfriend. The man who is also, technically, her boss. On the scale of ordeals, this was hardly perilous at all. But she felt the tension leave her body all the same, at the realisation of the significance of a Saturday. There wouldn’t be a need to step into the office on a Saturday. There wouldn’t be a dance. Jaime was there by her side, anyway—on Saturday morning, on Sunday afternoon.

The second Monday after their first date, Brienne decided Mondays would always be her night to go to the gym on her own. She told Jaime so in no uncertain terms. She wanted to see him, she did—out of his suit and his slicked back hair—yet something in her told her it would be good to have that one night to herself, every single week. She would go to the gym where she actually had a membership, not to the gym in his apartment building. Although she had to admit that his gym was really, really, really nice.

But today—today is Tuesday. She’s sitting at her cubicle on a Tuesday morning, has no plans with Margaery tonight, has no plans with anyone. And now she has the option of having plans with Jaime, who might be her boyfriend.

Right on cue, he texts her: Do you have plans tonight?

No, she types, then thinks. She follows with, Movie? They haven’t gone for a movie yet. That’s something people do on dates, isn’t it?

Sounds good, he replies. She notices he’s typing his next message for a while. When she receives it, it says: Which cinema?

Which cinema? There’s one just down the street, and another about fifteen minutes walk away. She’s seen colleagues at both of those. They could go to the one that’s nearest to her apartment, but he’d have to drive all the way there in traffic. And where would he pick her up? Would she wait for him outside his apartment building? There’s also the one that’s about halfway in between here and the office. It’s not too far from the train station. Would she take the train, and have him drive there? That seems safe, but also—she doesn’t think Jaime would be pleased about that. They could take the train together, she supposes, or maybe—she’d leave first, and he’d follow—Gods, does he even know how public transport works? She actually doesn’t know the answer to that question. Would he get lost?

And just like that, one question became a hundred. She’s still holding onto her phone, looking at different cinemas on the map, trying to work out all possible permutations of watching a movie with Jaime in public, when he walks by her cubicle.

“Brienne,” he greets, and pauses at her cubicle. He doesn’t—he’s not supposed to pause. His eyes dart to her phone.

“Jaime,” she replies, keeping her voice steady as she can. Margaery’s chair is rotating towards them—Brienne can see it out of the corner of her eye—and she glares at Jaime. Keep walking, she tries to communicate with her eyes. He looks at her for a few more seconds, then walks away.

She immediately opens her messaging app and types, I’ll let you know later. I’m looking up the timings. Deciding on the venue is part of looking up the timings, isn’t it?

Jaime starts typing, stops, starts typing again. But when his message arrives, all it says is, Okay.

Then, Brienne gets an important email. And another, and another. She has to reply to all of those important emails. It’s just a cinema—it’s just movie timings—but isn’t there so much to do? She has so much to do. She has to eat lunch at her desk, she has too much to do. Next thing she knows it’s four-thirty in the afternoon, and her phone vibrates with another text from Jaime.

It’s looking like I’ll have to work late. Don’t think I can do a movie, but would still like to have dinner. Can you wait for me?

Well, I guess that solves the cinema problem, Brienne thinks, though she knows it doesn’t. The cinema problem will continue to exist. They can’t just—avoid movies. But what would it look like—the employee going for movies with her boss, whom the employee had punched? The employee who didn’t lose her job after, because of that boss? Which cinema? is just another way of asking What would it look like? And they hadn’t figured out the answer to that question at all.

But she doesn’t say any of that. Of course, Brienne replies. Have some work to finish up, too. I’ll be at my desk.

At five, Renly comes by her cubicle to invite her for post-work drinks. She declines.

At six, Margaery asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to join us?” Brienne says, “No, too much work to do,” but she looks pointedly in the direction of Jaime’s office anyway. Margaery just nods and flashes her a grin. Brienne returns that grin with a weak smile.

At seven, there are just a few people left in the office. Brienne stands up, on the pretext of stretching after a day sitting at her desk, walks to where she can see the entrance to Jaime’s office. The lights are still switched on. Not that she expected otherwise.

At eight, her phone lights up with: Twenty minutes, I promise. There’s one, maybe two people left that she can see, and they’re packing up to leave for the day.

Why don’t I go get takeout? she texts back. Meet you at your place at 8.30?

Sure, he says. Anything’s good, as long as it isn’t spicy.

Brienne thinks of shrimp dipped in hot sauce and smiles.

At eight-thirty, Brienne sits herself down on a bench in the lobby of Jaime’s apartment building, two bags of takeout beside her. She nods at the man sitting at the concierge, who’s seen her with Jaime three times already in the past week, as did the doorman who very kindly let her in. At eight-forty, Jaime bursts through the main doors.

“I’m so sorry.” He leans down to kiss her on the cheek, to Brienne’s surprise. He hasn’t kissed her in public before, even if just on the cheek, even if this is just the lobby of Jaime’s apartment building. “You must be starving.”

“Oh—it’s fine,” she says, still a little stunned. “Sorry you had to work late.”

“Yeah. Had to go through some contracts. Sometimes that takes me awhile.”

Brienne wants to ask Jaime what that means, why going through contracts might take awhile for him specifically. But he’s already picked up the takeout bags and held out his hand, so she takes it and follows him into the elevator.

They put on a movie while they eat, something they’ve both been planning to watch but haven’t gotten around to, and Brienne can’t help but think this is much safer than a cinema. The movie isn’t as good as they had hoped, not even bad enough for them to rant about—it’s just so much more ordinary than they had expected. But they agree to sit through the whole thing anyway.

When they’re done with their food, Jaime puts his arm around her, and she curls into his side. It’s something she never imagined she could do—curling into a man’s side—and it’s not exactly the most comfortable position in the world for someone built like her, but she does it anyway. They’re both still in their work clothes, of course, but Jaime’s taken off his jacket and tie, unbuttoned a couple of buttons. Most importantly, he’s rolled his sleeves up past his elbows. Brienne wraps her hand around his arm absently.

“You like doing that,” Jaime murmurs, his eyes still on the TV.

“Hmm?”

“Touching me there.”

Brienne pulls her hand back. “Should I not?”

“I don’t mind,” he says. “Just an observation.”

She finds she can’t touch him there now, though he’s said he doesn’t mind. She folds her hands in her lap, stares straight at the TV. “I just—they’re nice.”

“My forearms?” he asks, bemused.

“Yeah. Is that creepy?”

Jaime laughs. “No, I’m flattered. I like them too.”

Brienne rolls her eyes. “Of course you do,” she mutters, feels Jaime’s low chuckle travel from his body into hers. She leaves her hands in her lap.

It’s only when the movie ends that Brienne thinks to look at the time. “Oh fuck, it’s late,” she exclaims, jumping up from his couch. “I hope I can still catch the train.”

“I’ll drive you home,” Jaime offers.

“It’s too far. It’ll be past twelve—maybe almost one by the time you get back.”

“I could—” and then he falls silent. “It’s fine,” he says instead. “I’ll drive you.”

What was that? “Hold on—what were you going to say?”

“I was going to say—” Jaime looks somewhat sheepish. “I was going to say I could stay over. Then I could drive you to work tomorrow, too. Or drop you off somewhere, if you—if you don’t want us to be seen together.”

“Oh.” Oh. “But you’d have to sleep on the—”

“I don’t mind. Only if you don’t mind.”

“I, I don’t mind. Would we need to leave at six, though?” It was fine that one time, and she usually has to be up by six forty-five anyway, but she’d definitely appreciate that extra bit of sleep.

“I could—I could bring my clothes. Get ready at yours. If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.”

Okay then. Since neither of them seemed to mind any part of this arrangement, Brienne finds herself in Jaime’s car, driving back to her place past eleven at night. As she looks out the window, the height of the buildings getting shorter and shorter as they travel towards the outskirts of the city, she thinks, once again, that Jaime really might be her boyfriend. She supposes today counts as their sixth date. Or seventh, if she includes the breakfast on Saturday morning, though it was really sort of an extension from Friday night. All of that in—what, ten days.

“Did you figure out which cinema, in the end?” Jaime asks abruptly, when he stops at a red light.

“What?”

“Which cinema would we have gone to? If I didn’t have to work late?”

“Oh—I—I got caught up with work—”

“Oh.”

Brienne sighs, looks down at her hands. “The truth is, I didn’t know which one to pick, Jaime. I was freaking out about who would see us, if we went to the ones within walking distance of the office, and then it seemed like too far to go to the one near my apartment, although I guess we’re heading there now anyway so I suppose I could have picked that—”

“Brienne—”

“Sorry. I’m rambling. It’s stupid.”

“No—it’s fine.” The light turns green, and Jaime accelerates just a little too quickly. “I just wanted to say—I’d like to watch a movie with you. At a cinema, in public. I’d like to do that with you at some point, without having to worry. I’ll drive to the one in your neighbourhood, if that’s what you’d prefer. But still, I think—this is—it’s something we need to sort out. Being seen.”

“I know,” Brienne mumbles.

“I know I said I’d work something out but—is there anything to figure out, really? Are we doing anything wrong?”

“No—I suppose not. But people will talk, anyway.” Brienne picks at her fingernails, thinks of how she came to punch Jaime in the first place, thinks of Brienne the Beauty.

“I—it’s not that I don’t understand it, but—does it matter?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we’ll know if it matters until they start talking.” She’s always tried to brush off people’s words, but—has it ever really worked? Truly worked? Haven’t those words always found ways to burrow underneath her skin, stay there?

“We can’t hide forever,” is Jaime’s response.

Brienne looks over at him. Jaime’s eyes are still firmly on the road. Forever. Isn’t it too soon for words like that? Yet, Jaime’s about to stay over at her apartment again, for the second time in ten days. He has a change of clothes in his back seat. He’ll be sleeping on the couch, but—he has a toothbrush waiting for him at her sink. How did this all happen? In ten days?

The rest of the drive is quiet. So is the walk from the car to her apartment, though Brienne holds his hand, anyway. He’s sitting on her couch, hands clasped together, when she brings her extra blanket out to him.

“Two months,” she announces, as she sets the blanket down beside him. Two months—it feels like a long time compared to ten days, but—

Jaime looks up at her. “Two months?”

“We… we keep it quiet for two months. Then—we’ll review the situation.” She doesn’t want to be so businesslike about it, but it’s best to have some kind of timeline. She thinks it’ll help Jaime feel settled, somehow, even if she is making him wait.

“Okay,” Jaime exhales. “Two months. If my father doesn’t—”

Oh. She forgot about that. She sits down next to him, slips her fingers between his. “We’ll assume he won’t. If he does, and we want to—to continue. Then we… work something out.”

“Okay. Two months.” He turns to look at her, grips her hand tighter. “Will you do something for me, Brienne? Will you—at least not treat me like a stranger? At work?”

“Oh—oh gods, I’m so sorry about that.” Brienne buries her face in Jaime’s arm. “I guess I just—I don’t know how to act around you now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I just think I’ll—I’ll smile too much or something.”

Brienne feels Jaime’s fingers brush her hair away from her face. “I wouldn’t mind that.” Gods, will he ever not make me blush?

“How about this.” She perches her chin on his shoulder. “I’ll promise to try not to treat you like a stranger. Is that good enough?”

“Hmm,” Jaime says, attempting to sound aloof and failing miserably. “We’ll see how you do this week. Then we can review the situation.”

Brienne gives him a playful nudge just before she stands back up. Her hand is still in his. “Goodnight, Jaime.”

“Goodnight, Brienne,” he replies. She takes a step away, two steps, but he won’t let go of her hand. As she rounds the couch, Brienne remembers the first morning she spent in Jaime’s apartment, waiting for him to get ready. She leans over, rests both their hands on his shoulder. “Please, for Gods’ sakes,” she whispers in his ear, “wake up early if you’re gonna spend an hour in the bathroom.”

“I will,” he smirks.

Brienne thinks for a moment, or stops herself from thinking, then gives him a kiss on the cheek, just as he had kissed hers in the lobby of his apartment building. She attempts to walk in the direction of her bedroom—except Jaime’s fingers are still entwined with hers.

“Goodnight, Jaime,” she repeats, looking meaningfully at their hands.

Jaime says nothing. He only brings her hand to his lips, kisses it like a knight of old, and lets her go.

[memesiders]

Part 3

Death x OC Office AU

(Idk if you guys are even still interested in this but it's helping me get back into writing so imma keep posting it until y'all tell me "STOP!!!" Also I'm on mobile so I can't do a "keep reading" thing I'm so sorry I know it must be annoying)

“Do these leggings make my ass look to big?” I stood sideways in front of the mirror, studying my butt. Today was my first official day on the job, and I was nervous as hell.

“Everything makes your butt look big,” Neema answered, giggling. I scowled at her and stuck my tongue out, turning back to the mirror.

“Seriously, is this okay? Professional enough?”

“Ugh, it’s fine!” She joined me in front of the mirror and grabbed the hem of my baby pink top, pulling it down over my butt. “You look great, alright? It’s not like you’re gonna go to meetings or anything, right? No need for stuffy clothes.” I smiled a little and nodded. She was right, but I still felt uneasy. Maybe my outfit was too casual. “You don’t have time to change anyways, it’s almost eight thirty.”

“Shit!” I grabbed my phone and bag, running out of the room. “Love you, don’t answer the door for strangers!” Neema had gotten a three-day suspension from school after the incident, not that she minded. I hated leaving her alone, but she was sixteen and I had to stop babying her at some point, even if I didn’t like it.

“Go kick ass at work!” she called after me. I picked up my small box of things next to the door and said one last goodbye before running out.

I barely made it in time to catch the bus. I paid the two-dollar fee and searched for a seat, weaving through people. A demon standing in the aisle moved forward as much as he could to allow me to pass, his leathery wings barely missing my face as I squeezed by. Getting hit by wings wasn’t fun, I knew that from personal experience. I ducked behind an angel who was preoccupied on her cellphone and spotted an empty seat, breathing a sigh of relief. I plopped down and set the box next to me, checking the time. Eight forty.

It should only take me ten minutes to reach the office if traffic is light. I mentally cursed myself for not leaving sooner; arriving late would not be a good look for me. Amber had emailed me on Thursday to let me know my schedule and tell me who would be there to show me around. She also informed me that this was a trial run. At the end of three months, Death would decide whether or not I really could be useful. I was hellbent on proving myself, though my mission had gotten off to a late start.

I sighed and checked my email but I had nothing but spam and notifications telling me that my favorite items were on sale. Too bad I didn’t have money to burn, otherwise I’d have been excited by the news. I closed the app and checked another site, my mood not getting any better. All I saw were pictures of friends and families having the time of their lives, vacationing in the Caribbean or announcing their engagement. Apparently, my cousin was pregnant with a baby boy, oh joy. I groaned to myself as I continued to look through my timeline, feeling worse about my situation. I wanted to be able to take my sisters on vacation; hell, I wanted to be able to afford to buy them lunch one day.

I wanted to be able to buy Neema all the manga she could ever want, and make enough so Safiya never had to work another double shift again. I wanted to be able to take care of them for once.

I logged off and threw my phone in my bag, trying to ignore my pathetic self. I had a job, and that was good enough for now. I’d be able to help buy groceries and pay bills; the fun stuff could wait. My stop came up and I gathered my things, making my way back to the front. The angel from earlier was still on the phone and hadn’t noticed me. She turned to get off as I was trying to get past her and smacked me right in the face with her large wings. I fell back into one of the seats, my face stinging and mouth full of feathers.

The person in that seat shoved me forward and I stumbled to the exit, getting off as fast as I could. I set my box down and spat out the feathers in my mouth, plucking a few out of my hair. Today was definitely not starting out the best. I grabbed my things and started down the street, attempting to hold myself high. Nothing was going to ruin this, not even what had just happened.

I crossed the street and arrived at the large black building, my heart leaping into my throat. The last time I’d been here, I’d been forcibly removed. Now I was coming back as an employee. Well, temporary employee, for now. I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and pulled open one of the glass doors, walking in. The lobby didn’t look any different than it had the last time I saw it; black leather sofas and chairs pressed against the walls, magazines stacked neatly on glass coffee tables. The floor and walls were made of black marble, as was the front desk. There was a waterfall on one of the walls with a small pool filled with pennies. I’d tossed one in yesterday, wishing for the job I was now about to officially begin. I smiled and felt a weight lift off of my shoulders; this was a new beginning.

“You’re late.” I flinched and sucked in a sharp breath, twirling around. Leaning against the wall was Death, a frown plastered on his face and an eyebrow arched.

“You scared the shit out of me,” I hissed, taking one hand off of the box to place over my heart. “Do you get your rocks off by sneaking up on people?” He cocked his head slightly and I bit my tongue. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say to my new boss. “I, uh, I mean…” He stared at me silently, the quiet between us growing awkward, at least on my part. I shook myself. “I’m not late.”

“It’s nine o’ two.” I snorted. Shit, bad idea again. “I told you nine sharp.”

“I know, I’m sorry. There was a problem at home and then the bus-” He put his hand up, cutting me off, and pushed off the wall.

“Come,” he said, crooking a finger. I refrained from rolling my eyes and followed him. He looked at me for a moment and reached out, touching my hair. I jerked back a little and his hand returned with an angel feather in hand. I blushed. “Run in with an angel?”

“An inconsiderate one,” I replied. He hummed in amusement and nodded, turning back around and walking. My eyes wandered his body as I walked behind him, gaze settling on his ass. Nice. I was so caught up in appreciating him I nearly ran right into him when he stopped. “This is Nora.” I quickly looked up as he turned and gestured to the red-haired woman behind the front desk. “She’ll be your coworker and mentor. If you have any questions, ask her.” I smiled at the woman and shook her hand. “Now, I trust I won’t be hearing any complaints about you? After all, you can take whatever I throw at you, right?” I squinted my eyes a little, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile.

“I won’t be any problem at all, Death, you have my word.”

“Sir.”

“Hmm?”

“At work, you will address me as "Sir.” I held back another snort.

“Kinky,” I muttered under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Sir.” He stared at me for a few seconds, a strange glint in his eye.

“Don’t make me regret hiring you, Miss Banks,” he said. He sounded as though he was already regretting it.

“I won’t let you down, Sir.” He let out a breath that almost sounded like a chuckle and said goodbye to both Nora and I before leaving. I stared after him, a small smile on my face; that man was something else.

“I’m glad he finally found someone,” Nora said. I snapped my head back to her.

“What?”

“To fill the job,” she explained. “I thought I’d never be able to cut back my hours.” Warmth spread through my cheeks and I nodded, smiling politely.

“I didn’t think he’d hire me to be honest,” I laughed. “He must love me.” She laughed and pulled up a chair for me, sitting in her own. I gladly sat down, setting my box in my lap.

“The only love the boss has is for his siblings, I’m afraid.” I frowned slightly.

“Really? I saw him with his brother during my interview and he seemed like he’d have thrown him through the window if he had the chance.” Nora laughed.

“Which one? Strife?” I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen those two get along, though they might behind closed doors; I’ve only ever interacted with them at work.” I nodded slowly. I wondered how people saw me and my sisters. We loved each other to eternity, but in public it could definitely seem like we didn’t care for each other.

Maybe that was how Death and his siblings were?

“Anyways, I’m glad you’re here,” Nora said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “That means I can spend less time at work and more time with my little one.”

“You have a kid?” I asked. Her smile widened and she nodded, grabbing her phone and showing me her wallpaper. It was her, a bald man, and a tiny baby. It looked cute, I guess; a button nose, big green eyes and a head of black hair. I wasn’t particularly into kids. Maybe if I had a more stable life and the right person, but I never really saw the appeal. “Cute, how old are they?”

“Ten weeks,” she cooed, staring lovingly at the photo. “She’s a bit of a troublemaker but I couldn’t imagine life without her. I just want to spend every moment I can with her.” I nodded and she put her phone away, still looking like she was on cloud nine. “I’m lucky to work here. Death was very accommodating and gave me more time off than I deserved, really. When I asked to cut back my hours, he didn’t even flinch; just gave me the time I wanted and told me I’d have to train whoever he hired next.”

I smiled; that was really kind of him. Way kinder than I thought he was capable of; perhaps we’d just gotten off on the wrong foot? “Anyways, enough about me! We should probably get a crack on, shouldn’t we? There’s a busy day ahead of us.”

“Yes, we probably should,” I agreed.

****

The week flew by faster than I was expecting. Nora had showed me around the building and explained to me all of my duties. Faxing, taking calls, making calls, scheduling appointments, emailing reminders and updates, making sure visitors were checked in and given passes, keeping the lobby clean, collect and sort mail, deliver mail on some occasions, and so much more my head was spinning. The fact that she had done so much by herself for so long was baffling. No one person should’ve been able to do all she had. It almost made me regret taking the job. The paycheck coming up was the only thing keeping me sane.

“Just three more days,” I muttered, doodling on my notepad. My stomach rumbled loudly, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I winced and curled over a little, nausea washing over me like a wave. We were scrambling to save food at home, which meant eating less than was good for us. It had been messing with me lately and today way no different. I felt like throwing up, but I knew nothing would come out if I did. There was nothing in there to vomit up.

“Az, are you okay,” Nora asked, hanging up her phone. I straightened out and gave her a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied, ignoring the pain in my stomach. “Just a little hungry is all.”

“Well, lunch is coming up, so don’t worry; we’ll get some food in ya then.” I nodded at her, appreciative of her kindness. I really wanted to tell her “I don’t have money for lunch! My next meal is probably gonna come out of a trashcan!” but I didn’t. I really didn’t want anyone knowing how pathetic I was that I couldn’t even afford lunch.

“Sounds great,” was all I said. She smiled at me and picked up another call. She was only on the phone for about a minute. “Looks like the boss wants to see you.” I frowned. What had I done? I hadn’t caused trouble; at least, not enough to warrant attention. I blew out an exhausted breath and pushed away from my desk, standing.

“Alright, I guess I’ll be seeing you in a bit.” She nodded and turned back to her computer screen, typing away at an email. I went to the elevators and pushed the up button, resting my hands on my hips. I was confused, to say the least. I hadn’t raised trouble at all. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; some guy had decided to try and get handsy with me while I was delivering some mail. He’d gotten his nose broken.

I’d had to file a report about it but I hadn’t been reprimanded, nor had I heard anything about it since then. Maybe it was just now getting around to Death. I frowned a little; he better not have called me up to his office to punish me. That would piss me off more than anything else he’s done since our first meeting.

The elevator dinged, the doors opening up, and I stepped in. I smashed the top floor button and leaned back against the metal handlebar, blowing a few strands of hair out of my face. I couldn’t help but be nervous. “Maybe it’s not anything bad,” I said to myself. “Maybe he’s just curious about how you’re doing? Or he wants you to do something for him? Something that Amber can’t do? Fuck…” I shook my head and straightened up as the elevator once again dinged. I breathed deeply as the doors opened, and stepped out.

Amber didn’t even look up when I walked out, gave me the go ahead to enter Death’s office. I thanked her and quietly opened one of the doors, slipping in. Death was against his desk, half sitting and half standing, with his office phone pressed to his ear. His face was contorted into a scowl, his jaw clenched tightly and the vein in his neck popping.

“I’m not going,” he growled into the phone, thrumming his fingers against the desk. “I have no need!” The person on the other end was shouting back at him, I could hear it from my position in front of the now closed door. “I don’t care what they want, they have you, War, and Strife; that should be enough for them!" The person they were talking to got even louder, and I could hear it was a woman’s voice. “Don’t threaten me, Fury.” His face was getting red, his eyes burning brightly.

Suddenly he pushed away from the desk and threw his hand up. “As I said, I have no need to-” Fury cut him off. Death still hadn’t noticed me, so I cleared my throat loudly enough to grab his attention. He looked at me and snapped his fingers, pointing to a chair. Without thinking, I obeyed, hurrying over and plopping myself down into the seat; I had no doubt he was angry enough to fire me right then and there if I didn’t listen. I could hear a few of Fury’s words now that I was closer.

Words like “council,” and “party,” and “pull up your big boy pants before I come down there and beat you senseless.” There was also the threat of dragging him by the ear to whatever party they were all supposed to be at. I nearly laughed; this must’ve been his sister, because there was no way anyone else would’ve been able to get away with saying the things she was. After a few more minutes of fighting, Death conceded. “Fine,” he huffed, falling into his chair. “I’ll be there, but don’t expect me to play nice with others.” Fury had calmed down now too, I couldn’t hear her anymore, but I was sure she was satisfied and probably had a smug look on her face. Death said his goodbyes and hung up the phone, muttering curses under his breath. He sighed and rubbed his temples slowly, running a hand through his hair. I shifted awkwardly.

“Are you okay, Sir,” I asked softly, unsure of whether or not I should say anything. He grunted and looked at me, straightening in his seat.

“I’m fine, thank you.” I nodded, tugging at the hem of my skirt.

“Nora said you wanted me up here? Is this about that asshole on the third floor? I won’t apologize for breaking his nose, you know.” Death snorted and shook his head, his demeanor changing. He looked less annoyed than he had just a moment ago.

“Don’t worry, it’s not about that,” he assured me. “He deserved it, and has been properly removed from the company.” My eyes widened slightly; I hadn’t expected that. I thought he’d just get a slap on the wrist or something. Death clasped his hands together and cocked his head slightly. “No, I called you up here to ask how you were settling in. Anything too much for you?” I frowned a little and shrugged.

“Not really,” I explained. “It’s a little difficult having to remember everything but Nora’s been a big help. I’m worried that I might be annoying her with all of my questions.” I laughed a little and the corner of his lips turned up slightly.

“Don’t apologize; I’d rather have you ask a lot of questions and be prepared than ask none and mess things up. I’m sure Nora feels the same way.” I nodded appreciatively. My stomach rumbled loudly and I blushed.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No need. Have you had lunch yet?” I shook my head. “I should probably let you get to it then. It’s around your break time, I believe.” I nodded and thanked him, standing. The world started to swim and I felt my heart leap into my throat, my vision blurring further. My legs gave out without warning and I fell back into my seat, breathing heavily. Death was by my side almost immediately. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, rubbing my throbbing head. “I just haven’t been able to eat much lately.” I bit my tongue after the last word came out and silently cursed myself.

“What?” he asked, concern lacing his words. “What do you mean?”

“It’s nothing, really. I’m sorry for worrying you.” I tried to stand but Death sat me back down. I couldn’t really put up much of a fight.

“What do you mean, Aziza?” I looked up at him, my heart pounding. Again, with the reaction? Why did it make me feel so strange whenever he said my name? I stared into his eyes, my face growing warm, and shrugged.

“There’s not much food in the house so I’ve had to skip a few meals. It’s no big deal, I just have to wait a few days for my paycheck.” He frowned at my words and I gave him a small smile. “I’ll be fine, I just felt a little faint. It won’t affect my work, I promise.” He scoffed.

“Stay here,” he ordered, leaving me. He went to the doors and opened one of them, sticking his head out and talking to Amber. He came back a minute later and sat down behind his desk. “I had Amber order some food for you.” My eyes widened.

“You what?” I squeaked.

“I had her order a cheeseburger. Unless you’re a vegetarian?”

“I’m not, but-”

“Good, then you can wait here until the food arrives.” I stared at him, my mouth open slightly. Had he really just ordered me food? Why? I couldn’t afford to pay him back. Was he gonna take it out of my paycheck? I felt an odd sensation at the thought of him doing something like that for me; a sensation I didn’t know if I liked or not.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, trying not to sound too defensive. “I’m fine, and it’s not like you owe me anything. I need to get back to work anyways.” He rested his chin on his clasped hands, studying me carefully. My face grew warm again and I stared back at him.

“Yes, I did have to,” he said coolly. “You work in my building, which means I’m responsible for you. If you collapse on the job then I’ll have to give you time off to recover; time neither of us can afford. Nora will have to keep on full time until you recover and by the time you come back, you’ll have forgotten how everything works. Besides, I can’t have a starving receptionist; your hunger will make you forget things and then I’d have to fire you, and then where would you be? You’d be starving… Again.” I blinked, thinking over his words. He wasn’t doing this out of the kindness of his heart, which reassured me a little, but I was still uncomfortable. Even though it all made rational sense, I still felt uneasy about it.

“Okay, you’ll take it out of my pay, right?”

“No.” I sat up straighter.

“What? You have to; I don’t feel comfortable just letting you-”

“Is it that much of a deal?” He sounded amused. His lips had formed a small smirk.

“Yes, it is. You’re my boss and you’re just buying me food like I’m your girlfriend or something.” He hummed a little and leaned back in his seat, shrugging his shoulders.

“Fine, if it means that much to you, then there is something I’d like you to do.”

“Anything,” I quickly replied, feeling a bit of relief. “As long as I can do something to pay you back.” He cocked his head, a fang peeking out from his upper lip. A shiver ran down my spine.

“The company is hosting a party tomorrow night and my presence has been demanded,” he explained, rolling his eyes. “I need a date.” My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “It’s not a real date, but my sister insists I bring someone; something about she doesn’t want me embarrassing her.” I started to ask why he didn’t take Amber, but he beat me to it. “My brothers will be there, and Amber and Strife are not friendly with each other. Also, she has plans for that night.” I nodded, my stomach twisting into knots. My palms started to sweat and I clenched my hands into fists. I couldn’t exactly say no, not after he bought me food. I didn’t even know why he was asking me; we weren’t exactly friendly with one another. In fact, this was the first time since I’d began working here that we’d seen each other.

“Why ask me?”

“Why not?” I frowned, cocking my head like he’d done not long ago. That wasn’t really the answer I wanted, but it looked like that was the only one I was getting.

“I don’t exactly have the clothing for a party, and I don’t know how I should act.”

“You don’t have to act any way, just be yourself. As for clothes, I’ll have something picked up for you.” This was too weird to get my head wrapped around. “You don’t have to come with me, Aziza.” I flicked my eyes back to his. “I can face my sister’s wrath, don’t worry. I only asked because you seem bent on repaying me.”

“I’ll do it,” I quickly replied. “I’m just worried I’ll embarrass you or something.” That wasn’t exactly a lie. I was worried about doing something embarrassing, I just wasn’t worried about it affecting him.

“Strife will be the embarrassing one, don’t worry about that.” I scoffed playfully and leaned back in my seat. “I’m serious, Aziza, you don’t have to come.”

“I said I’ll do it and I’ll do it.” My words were final. I wasn’t going to back out because I was a little uncomfortable, even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do. Death hummed softly and stared at me, an almost soft look in his eyes. “Just know that I have a hard time keeping a filter on myself.” Death chuckled.

“Perfect.”

[borathae]

↳ Index [#03 Believe Me]

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Wordcount: 9.599

Just as Taehyung had promised the feeling of guilt has disappeared the next morning you awake. You peel your eyes open and sit up. Five twenty. You have got ten more minutes before your alarm would ring. Normally you would fall back into bed and doze off again, but you feel wide awake today. You stretch your arms above your head, yawning loudly. Your whole body shutters before a content smile creeps up your face. You feel lighter today. Your eyes wander to your plants on the window sill. They need water.

You throw your blanket off your legs and jump out of bed, shuffling into your kitchen to fill up the small turquoise water can, which you have ever since you are nineteen.

You walk back to your flowers starting with the little cactus on the far left side of your window sill.

“Here you go little one”, you say to it before moving on to the next plant. The alarm clock interrupts your task and you have to put down your watering can onto the floor to walk to your bed side table. You take your phone into your hands, turning off your alarm. There are three new notifications on your display, two emails from Taehyung and one new text message from Yoongi.

You unlock your phone, checking your emails first. Taehyung had kept his promise, all of the required documents are here and you smile, at least he kept his promise. You exit your email app, opening your text messages.

- Yoongibear ❤: Did you already fall asleep??

You look at the time, he had sent it an hour after his last message and you feel guilty. Maybe you should have at least answered him. You decide to write him now.

- You: Good morning baby, sorry I fell asleep yesterday… I hope you aren’t mad. Is lunch still on today? ❤

You lock your phone afterwards. Yoongi is probably still sleeping, after all he has to wake up an hour later than you. You throw your phone onto your bed, returning to your flowers to finish your task of watering them. Once you are finished you decide to make some quick breakfast, consisting of a cup of black coffee and a bowl of yoghurt with berries. You take longer to finish your breakfast today and when you look at your clock you have exactly twenty minutes to get ready and out of your house. You gasp, jumping up and putting the dirty dishes into your sink before abandoning them. You don’t have time to do them right now you can still wash them later at night. You rush to your bathroom, washing yourself in the speed of light. You look at the clock on your way out of the bathroom, fifteen minutes left. You rip open your closet, pulling out a beige thigh-long dress and the first underwear you can find. You don’t have time to actually plan your outfit today. You dress yourself, looking at the clock afterwards. Twelve minutes left. You sigh, throwing yourself onto your knees in front of your mirror to put some makeup on. Some concealer and only doing your eyebrows must be sufficient enough today, you don’t have time for anything more. You look at yourself in the mirror, nodding contently. It’s definitely not your best look, but at least you don’t look dead anymore.

You jump to your feet, running to your front door, grabbing your bag from your couch on the way out. You grab your coat and slip into the next best shoes you can find before unlocking your door and rushing out of your apartment. You look at your watch, six minutes left. Good, that’s very good. At least you don’t have to run to your bus stop now.

Knowing that you can actually walk at a normal speed slows down your heartbeat in your chest and you take a deep breath. At least now you can actually enjoy the city slowly waking up for a new day. The old bookstore you always pass by has already set his variety of boxes full of books in front of shop window. You greet your neighbor from down the street with a bright smile, telling him that his knitted sweater looked lovely today making him smile at you. Just like always the woman living one block away manages to startle you, when she pulls up her blinds rather forcefully. You chuckle, holding your racing heart in your chest before reaching into your coat pocket to get your phone. You gasp, stopping in your tracks. You have forgotten it at home! You groan, you are already too far away to turn back and get it.

“Good job Y/N”, you mumble to yourself before continuing to walk into the direction of the bus stop with a pout on your face. “Let’s hope that Yoongi doesn’t worry about me”, you whisper.

The next corner you cross leads to the main road and you can already see your bus waiting at your bus stop in the distance. You gasp before starting to run. It’s so close you can still do it! You wave at the bus driver yelling loudly that he should wait for you. He rolls his eyes closing the bus doors before starting the engine.

“No please don’t!” you scream waving furiously. But he doesn’t care, driving off right when you reach the bus stop.

“Fucking bastard!” you yell after the bus, wanting to flip him off but deciding against it. Instead you kick the air groaning loudly.

You turn around a few times, hoping that it would help you find a solution to your problem. The next bus arrives in fifteen minutes, that’s too late! You don’t want to be late for work again. You sigh before sitting down on the bench of the bus stop. You reach for your phone to call a taxi only to remember that you had forgotten it at home.

“Jeez Y/N talk about being a total idiot”, you whisper to yourself shaking your head. You fold your hands in front of you staring at the traffic passing by, hoping that you would spot an unoccupied taxi.

Suddenly a car rolls up to the edge of the road, stopping right in front of you. You don’t know this car, so why is the owner letting the windows down right now?

You gasp, your eyes becoming big.

“Good morning Y/N, you need a ride?” Hoseok grins at you leaning closer to the passenger window.

You stare at him, your heart racing in your chest. It would be the perfect solution to your problem right now, but do you really want to get into the same car as your ex? You keep seated, nervously playing with your fingers.

“Oh come on, I won’t bite. I know you missed your bus didn’t you?” he says telling you to come close with a wave of his hand.

Shit, he knows you too well. You groan before standing up and slowly walking to the car. His smile grows and you can hear him turn the music down. This is a bad idea, you think to yourself before opening the passenger seat door and getting in.

“Thank you”, you say closing the door and settling on the seat. They are beige leather seats, squeaking with every move you make. You press your legs shut, staring at the road ahead.

“Of course don’t mention it”, he says before steering his car back into the main traffic. He falls silent after that, mostly because the traffic got quite hectic and he needed to concentrate on not killing the two of you.

The silence is killing you. This was a bad idea. You should have just dismissed him and waited for a taxi to arrive. You swallow, your fingers playing with the button of your coat. He is so close you can actually smell his cologne. He still smells the same than he did all these months ago and you can feel your heartbeat quicken in your chest. This was a bad idea! You need to get out of here!

“Sorry for storming off like this yesterday”, Hoseok says startling you. His voice had been so loud in the silence right now. You look at him, he is staring at you.

You look away, taking a deep breath. Nope, you will not stare at him! Not today!

“Don’t worry it’s okay”, you tell him to which he hums. He looks back at the road again and the moment his eyes are away from your body you feel yourself relax a little.

“Actually I think it should be me who apologizes instead of you. Sorry for being so cold and mean to you yesterday”, you say before looking at him.

He sends you a quick glance. A small smile creeps up his lips.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s already forgotten and forgiven”, he says dismissing you with a wave of his hand, “besides I wasn’t really hurt anyways”, he adds and the words of Taehyung come into your mind.

That’s so typical Hoseok right now, denying his feelings like that. You sigh suddenly feeling guilty.

“I’m still sorry, you didn’t deserve to find out about my engagement like that”, you say and you can see him clenching his jaw.

“It’s really okay don’t worry about it”, he says before turning the music louder, an obvious sign that he doesn’t want to talk about your current relationship.

You nod understandingly before averting your gaze to the road ahead. That was definitely a bad idea. You can feel yourself starting to sweat already and you can’t seem to stop yourself from biting your nails. What did you even think would happen when you get into his car? That you would be all good and unbothered by his presence? After all, the last time you had seen him had been in May last year. You steal a glance at him. Does he still look the same? Your eyes land on his face first he look just like you had remembered, safe for the very obvious black circles underneath his eyes. Is it because he couldn’t sleep yesterday? Did he think of you, did he even cry because of you?

“Do I have something on my face?” he asks and your cheeks turn red. You look away, his eyes burning holes into the side of your face.

“No it’s just, just uhhm, I have never seen this car before. Since when do you have it?” you say. It was only partially a lie. You really didn’t see him drive this car before.

“Oh yeah it’s new I bought it last September. I kind of had an existential crisis in September and decided to sell my sneakers collection to get a car”, he tells you and your head snaps into his direction.

“You sold all of your sneakers?” you gasp. He chuckles nodding.

“Yeah I did.”

“Even your Balenciagas?” you ask feeling nervous all of a sudden.

“Even my Balenciagas”, he says nodding and you can feel your heart shatter in your chest.

“Why? You love your sneakers”, you say and you can’t help but feel sad all of a sudden. He actually sold the shoes you had gotten him on your second anniversary.  

“Of course I do, but my apartment has gotten too small for all of my shoes and besides a car is much more convenient than hundred pairs of shoes from which I actually only wear five pairs”, he says shrugging his shoulders.

“Is it really? We live in Seoul, a city with amazing public transport and you decided to get a car”, you say sounding offended.

“Why do you sound so angry right now? It’s not like I sold your stuff”, he says looking at you with confusion in his eyes.

“I’m not mad I don’t know what you are on about”, you mumble crossing your arms in front of your chest.

“Sure if you want me to believe that”, he scoffs, “Also just to add I only sold the black Balenciagas not the ones you got me”, he says and you can’t help but smile.

“Really? Oh, okay, well-”, you clear your throat “-my point still stands getting a car in a big city with good public transport is a waste of money”, you say trying your hardest to still sound annoyed.

He chuckles shaking his head.

“Well then I am sorry for making such a bad decision”, he says still chuckling.

You stare at him, anger burning in your eyes before you break out into laughter as well. You need it right now, your heart feels too heavy and laughing with him had always helped you rid yourself of some emotional weight.

You hide your smiling mouth behind your hand giggling loudly before looking at him. He can feel your eyes on him making his head snap into your direction to smile back at you. Suddenly his smile fades at the same time than yours does. His eyes race between yours, your own staring into his. They are still the same beautiful chocolate brown you remember them to be.

This feels weirdly comfortable right now. It shouldn’t feel like that.

He clears his throat before looking back at the road. But you can’t stop looking at him, your eyes wandering from his shoulders over his arms before landing on his hands. He is clutching the steering wheel, his knuckles already turning white. Does he feel as nervous as you do right now?

“I shouldn’t look at you too much or else I’ll accidentally drive my car into a street lamp or something”, he says before laughing awkwardly.

You hum letting your eyes wander from his hands back to his face. His hair had gotten longer in the months you had spent apart. It suits him, makes him appear mysterious. You quickly look away. What are you thinking about right now?

“How are you Y/N? I have talked enough about me right now. Are you well?” he asks all of a sudden, surprising you. You send him a quick glance.

“Yeah I’m good, a little stressed out with work, but that’s not new”, you say nodding.

“That’s good to hear, I mean not the stressed out part but the other part”, he says making you chuckle.

“Yeah it’s okay though, I can handle it and what about you? Is everything okay at work?” you say. You don’t know why you try to keep the conversation going, maybe you just want to use this opportunity to see him one last time.

“Everything’s good, it got a lot quieter these days. We got two new dance teachers and I finally have some free time again. I don’t even have to go to work on Fridays anymore. It’s great I started to go to the gym because of it and I actually gained some muscles already”, he says padding his shoulder. He looks at you smiling awkwardly, “I don’t know why I just told you this, sorry this was unnecessary”, he says brushing a strand of hair out of his eyes.

“Don’t apologize I like listening to you”, you say regretting the words the moments they had left your lips. I like listening to you? Seriously? What are you trying to achieve here?

He looks at you clearly surprised by your reaction before smiling shyly.

“I’m glad you do”, he says before reaching out to take your hand into his. Your whole body freezes when he touches you, his hand burning your skin. You stare at your intertwined fingers swallowing loudly.

“I’m sorry I, that, force of habit”, he says quickly pulling away. The loss of contact makes your hand feel cold and you clench it into a tight fist.

“It’s okay, don’t , don’t worry”, you stutter hiding your shaking hands between your thighs.

Yep, getting into a car with him was definitely a bad idea. You pinch the skin of your hand as an attempt to distract yourself from your racing heart. Why is it so silent all of a sudden? Your cheeks grow hot. Did Hoseok turn on the heating right now or why did it get so hot inside all of sudden? You open your coat fanning air to your face.

Hoseok looks at you before opening the windows without saying anything. The moment the cold air hits your face you dare to take a breath again. Fresh air fills up your lungs but to your demise you still feel as hot as you did before. You look at your watch. You still have ten minutes until your work starts. You are surprised Hoseok had actually been faster than you would have been if you had taken the bus.

“We are nearly there don’t worry”, he says mistaking your nervous fidgeting for being scared that you might be late.

You look at him before nodding.

“Hmh”, you manage to get out before looking away again. You can spot your work building in the distance already. You are nearly there, everything will be over soon. Don’t worry.

“See I told you that you wouldn’t be late”, Hoseok says once the two of you had stopped in front of your company. You take your bag from the floor and put it onto your lap. You open the door before stopping and turning around to look at him.

“Thank you for driving me today, you were my savior”, you say offering him a smile.

“Don’t mention it, I am always happy to help you”, he says reciprocating your smile.

“See you again”, you say before throwing the door closed. You turn around before rushing up the three stairs to get to the big fountain. You don’t even realise the big smile that creeps up Hoseoks cheeks when your last words seep into his brain.

See you again.

He will see you again, just like he had hoped. He squeals loudly in the safety of his own car, excitedly shaking his hands in the air.

“Good morning Y/N how are you?” Taehyung greets you once he spots you, running up to you with a big smile on his face.

“Let’s get inside real quick”, you rush out, not bothering to stop in your tracks running to the front door.

He looks around, confused as to why you looked so scared right now until he spots Hoseoks car still parked on the side of the road. His eyes grow big, his mouth falling open. Hoseok raises his hand waving at Taehyung with a bright smile. Taehyung waves back, forcing a smile to his features. He must be dreaming right now. Did Hoseok actually wait for you in front of your work building and therefore you had to flee inside? Or wait. Did you actually drive to work with him?

Oh no.

He turns around running into the building to catch up with you. You are standing at the elevator panting hard whilst clutching your hands to your chest.

“Y/N what did you do?” he yells the moment he sees you. Your head snaps into his direction and he can already see your red cheeks from a distance. He quickens his steps and soon he is standing next to you staring down at you.

“I missed my bus and Hoseok randomly saw me and asked me if I needed a ride”, you manage to get out between your heavy breaths.

“Good job at avoiding him Y/N”, he says crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Hey, I don’t need you scolding me right now, I am already upset enough”, you say pressing your pointer finger into his chest. He takes a deep breath trying to contain his anger.

“Fine, I’ll try not to. What happened? Was it awkward?” he asks letting you step into the elevator before him.

“It was so awkward I actually wanted to disappear. And the worst part, it wasn’t him that made it awkward but my stupid thoughts”, you say rubbing your aching temples.

“Damn Y/N”, he says trying to come up with something that would help you calm down.

“Damn indeed. I’m so annoyed. Why did I have to miss my bus today of all days? It’s not like I have been confused enough already yesterday, nooo fade decides that I have to meet him today as well”, you groan leaning your head against Taehyungs chest.

He rests his hand on the back of your head, massaging your scalp and wraps his other arm around your waist.

“Hey it’s over now”, he whispers padding your back.

“I hope it is, I’m really not in the mood to see him again and make it even worse. It felt like so comfortable Taehyung, just sitting in the car with him and talking. We even held hands for a moment Taehyung. Hands okay?!” you say and Taehyungs eyes grow big.

“You did what?” he gasps and you groan.

“We held hands. It wasn’t on purpose; he kind of reached out and grabbed my hand because of how he called it ‘force of habit’.”

“Jeez, that, wow. Okay now I understand why you are so upset”, he says and you nod accidentally rubbing your concealer on his black turtleneck.

“I’m so upset I want to disappear”, you groan before stepping back from your friend. You send him a quick smile, “thanks for not being mad at me. I don’t think I could survive today if my best friend would be upset with me.”

“Don’t mention it, I’m here for you”, he smiles patting your back.  

The elevator stops, announcing its arrival before the doors slowly open. The two of you step out at the same time, walking next to each other.

“Change of topic now before my mind explodes. Thanks for sending me the files I really appreciate it”, you say making Taehyung smile.

“See? I told you that I would send them to you the moment I get home. I hope you like them, I worked really hard on them”, he says holding the glass door open for you to slip through.

“I still need to check them out, but I am sure I do”, you say before the both of you stop in front of Taehyungs office.

He opens the door, leaning his hand on the door handle.

“Thank you. Tell me what you think of them later okay?” he says.

“I will. See you later Tae”, you say nodding.

“See you”, he says before turning around and walking into his office. You watch him close his door before you start to walk again.

Your office is only three rooms away from Taehyungs, so seeing him later probably means when the two of you decide that it is time for some coffee from the vending machine opposite of the elevators. You open your door and are greeted with Namjoon sitting in front of his computer with his eyebrows furrowed together.

“Good morning Namjoon”, you greet him and his head snaps up to look at you. He fixes the glasses on his nose smiling at you.

“Good morning Y/N”, he says before he averts his eyes back to his computer screen.

“You are early today”, you say sitting down on your desk and turning on your computer.

“Yeah I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I decided to just go to work and get some projects finished already”, he says with his eyes staring at the screen.

“Impressive”, you say making him chuckle.

“Thanks that’s my goal”, he says cracking you up.

The room falls silent after that, the both of you far too occupied with working on your projects. You normally would enjoy the silence, but today it is killing you. Your mind just can’t seem to concentrate on the work in front of, always reliving the moment with Hoseok. Did he actually wait for you to come to your bus stop or was it pure coincidence that he had spotted you? You blink trying your hardest to get your eyes focused on the graph before you. You lean back in your chair. Why did you feel so sad when he told that he had sold his shoes? It’s not like it should matter to you anymore. On the other hand it felt like he had sold your memories together, like he had wanted to forget them. You sigh rubbing your temples. Namjoon looks up at you, studying your face.

“Do you need some painkillers?” he asks mistaking your current for state for your having a headache.

“No thank you I don’t think a painkiller would help me right now”, you say shaking your head.

“Okay, if it gets worse you can always ask me”, he says before looking back at his computer screen. You smile at his nice gesture, using the opportunity of a calm mind to start working on your project.

But soon your mind starts racing with thoughts again. How does he know where you are working at now? You had been working somewhere different when you two broke up and you had never told him about your new job. You swallow, your heart racing in your chest. Did he stalk you?

“Hey are you sure you are okay? You are breathing rather loudly. Do you want me to get you some water?” Namjoon says now standing up and walking to your booth. You watch him with big eyes. He puts a hand on your forehead, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“You definitely don’t have a fever, your temperature feels normal”, he mumbles more to himself than to you before sitting on the edge of your desk, “What is it Y/N?” he asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

You shake your head, avoiding his eyes by staring at your lap.

“Nothing really, I just, I don’t feel that good” you say playing with the material of your dress.

“You want me to get you some water, some painkillers, something to eat? Just tell me”, he says and you can’t help but smile.

“No it’s okay I can get them myself I don’t want to interrupt your work flow”, you say scratching the back of your neck.

“You already did so it’s totally fine”, he says standing up to walk to the door. He opens it, turning around to look at you, “so what is it going to be water or food?” he asks.

“No Namjoon I’m really okay, believe me”, you insist but he just shakes his head.

“Alright, but would you still say yes if I asked you to go for some cafeteria coffee?” he asks nodding into the general direction of the cafeteria.

You sigh, standing up from your chair. Maybe this can actually shut your mind up for a bit.

“Sure why not”, you say making him smile. He steps out of your office with you following close by.

The cafeteria is at the ground floor and at this time of day, the two of you are the only one visiting it. Namjoon looks at the menu for a moment before turning to the man behind the counter.

“One black coffee please and one caramel macchiato please”, he says and the barista turns around with a nod of his head.

You look at Namjoon, impressed that he knows what you like. He smiles at you, his dimples appearing on his cheeks.

“I hope I didn’t speak for you too soon”, he says massaging his neck with an awkward smile on his face.

“No you didn’t I’m impressed you know me so well”, you assure him making him smile at you.

“Besides being your colleague I’m still your friend after all”, he says shrugging his shoulders.

He was right, next to Taehyung, him and Seokjin are the ones you had known for the longest. They had always been good friends of Hoseok and with time they had become your friends as well. So you were all the more happy when you found out that you were able to get a new job at the company him and Taehyung are working at.

“Thank you”, you say accepting the cup of coffee he is holding with a smile on your face.

“You are welcome”, he grins before taking a sip of his cup. He groans, pressing his eyes shut, “I always forget how hot the coffee here is”, he hisses sticking his tongue out to try and cool it down.

“They even write warning hot content on the lid”, you say and Namjoon sends you an annoyed glare.

“Well thank you Y/N I have never noticed that before”, he says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“Sorry”, you giggle before taking a sip of your drink. It’s not as sweet as the one you had yesterday, but you like it nonetheless.

“Don’t worry”, Namjoon assures you holding the cafeteria door open for you. “Can I ask you now, what happened before?” he says watching your face.

You keep your eyes fixated on the elevators, shrugging your shoulders.

“It’s too complicated to explain at work, also too personal if I may add. All you have to know is that I am very confused today and I already apologize if I mess up today”, you tell him.

“I understand, if you ever want to talk about it we can always like meet up after work”, he says and you scoff.

“Tell me one day that you are free Joon, you are basically a workaholic”, you say making him raise his eyebrows at you.

“You think of me like that?” he gasps, stepping into the elevator which had arrived at this moment. You nod, pressing the button of your floor. “Wow okay I’m offended right now”, he scoffs shaking his head.

“Sorry I didn’t mean it like that”, you say feeling guilty all of a sudden.

“Don’t worry I’m not really mad”, he assures you with a wave of his hand, “and to prove to you that I am in fact not a workaholic I am going to invite you now. Do you maybe want to join me tomorrow at Seokjins place? You told me that you are always free on Friday evenings”, he says and you think about his offer for a moment.

He is right, you would be alone tomorrow evening and being alone means your thoughts would race with pictures of Hoseok. Nope, you definitely don’t want that to happen again.

“Sure why not, sounds like fun, I haven’t seen Seokjin in ages anyways”, you say nodding your head.

“Great I’m looking forward to it. Also don’t forget to wear some comfortable clothes, you are going to carry a lot of heavy boxes I can tell you that”, he says raising his finger.

“I will”, you tell him before sitting down on your chair. You had arrived at your office right at this moment and soon the both of you fall silent again.

The coffee had definitely helped you with clearing your mind for a bit, making working on your current project easier again. Soon lunch break comes and after some small-talk with Namjoon you are off to see Yoongi at the restaurant. Hopefully his presence can make your heart feel lighter again.

You rush up the streets from your bus stop to the location of the restaurant and when you turn the corner you can already see Yoongi waiting in front of the restaurant with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. You quicken your steps, calling out his name, waving you arm with a bright smile on your face. His head snaps into your direction his own face lighting up. He waves back at you, taking the last two steps to close the distance between the two of you.

“Hey handsome”, you say before pressing a kiss to his lips.

“Hey princess”, he smiles kissing you once more, “I missed you. Why did you not answer my calls today? I wanted to ask you how you are doing and you ignored me”, he says pouting.

“I’m sorry I forgot my phone at home”, you apologize taking his hand into yours.

“Aaah, thank god I thought I did something to upset you”, he says chuckling out in relief.

“No don’t worry I was stressed in the morning that’s all”, you tell him squeezing his hand.

“Why were you stressed?” he asks looking at you with worry in his eyes.

I don’t know, maybe because my ex decided to drive me to work and I actually felt comfortable talking with him again.

“I kind of forgot the time in the morning”, you tell him instead to which he nods.

“That’s so typical you”, he chuckles, wrapping his arm around your shoulder before opening the door to the restaurant.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you complain, playfully hitting his chest.

“You are always late, even now I had to wait for ten minutes”, he says to which you pout.

“Sorry I was looking at the trees whilst walking here”, you apologize remembering the occurrences from just a few minutes ago.

You had rushed from the bus stop to the restaurant but had stopped once you had seen the cheery blossom trees on your right. You had turned to them, watching them sway in the light breeze. Your legs had started walking on their own accord stopping underneath the same tree you had kissed Hoseok for the first time all those years ago.  You had sighed, thinking to yourself what you had done in your past life to deserve to be forced onto this emotional rollercoaster. You had looked up, watching the pastel pink petals dance above your head whilst wishing for it to be over, for everything to return back to normal.

“You really like cherry blossom trees don’t you?” Yoongis questions rips you back to reality your head snapping into his direction.

“Yeah I guess I do”, you say forcing a smile to your face. You are going to be happy today, for Yoongis sake. He doesn’t deserve you forcing your bad mood onto him.

“Good to know”, he says, not noticing your fake smile too immersed with the menu the waitress had brought right this moment.

Your eyes snap to the menu, reading it over and over again until you decide to go for some simple pasta. You aren’t really in the mood for anything big and special today, all you wanted to do was to eat so you wouldn’t faint later on. Yoongi decides to go for some steak again, explaining that he had loved it so much the last time he just had to get it again.

“So how is work going?” he asks, turning to you once you both had ordered your food.

“Good like always, I honestly don’t have a lot to report”, you say shrugging your shoulders. And here goes your resolution of not being grumpy.

“That’s good to hear”, Yoongi says studying your face for a moment. He crosses his arms in front of his chest, “if everything is okay, why do you look so down today?”

You look up, shrugging your shoulders before lowering your head again.

“I don’t really know”, you lie. Truth is, you had hoped that meeting Yoongi would cheer you up, but all it did was make you feel guilty about talking with Hoseok in the morning.

“When you feel like you are ready, you can tell me I’m always here to listen”, Yoongi says reaching over the table to gently stroke the skin of your arm.

“I appreciate it thank you”, you smile, feeling weirdly lighter eventhough you hadn’t even told him about your worries yet.

“By the way baby, what are your plans for the weekend?” Yoongi asks, giving your arm one last squeeze before leaning back in his chair.

“For the weekend? Well, uuhm, tomorrow I’m going to help Seokjin move into Jungkook’s place and I don’t really have anything planned on Saturday and Sunday. Why?”

“Just curious”, Yoongi says shrugging his shoulders.

You study his face for a moment, trying to figure out what he had meant by that.

“By the way, why did I not know about Seokjin moving?” Yoongi asks pouting. You laugh, shrugging your shoulders.

“I didn’t know either if it wasn’t for Namjoon inviting me to help them tomorrow”, you say playing with the napkin on the table.

“Tzzt”, he scoffs shaking his head, “I’m gonna tell Seokjin how bad of a friend he is. If I had known that he is going to move tomorrow I would have taken a day off to help as well”, he shrugs his shoulder, taking a sip of his water which had arrived right this moment, “Oh, well guess I just have to sit on my comfortable chair all day now and I just not have to carry heavy boxes”, he says making you roll your eyes.

“Quit being so dramatic baby, Seokjin probably just forgot to tell you”, you say, watching the waiter carry your food to your table.

“I still like to be invited to things you know”, he pouts, his eyes staring at the steak in front of him.

“I know baby, I’ll scold Seokjin in your name tomorrow okay?” you say making him smile.

He nods, looking satisfied. Both of you turn you attention to the food afterwards. It didn’t taste as good as it did yesterday, as a matter of fact you hated it today it made you feel nauseous. You force every fork full of food down your throat, wishing that the plate would be empty already. But not finishing everything would mean that Yoongi would begin to worry and you don’t want him to question you about it. So you force yourself to eat your food as well as your dessert and the cup of coffee Yoongi had so kindly ordered for you.

“It was delicious as always”, Yoongi grins after taking the last bite of his chocolate cake. You nod, forcing a smile to your lips.

“It was I loved it a lot”, you say, concentrating your hardest as to not throw up.

Yoongi stands up, rounding the table to pull the chair out for you. You stand up thanking him with a small smile before accepting the coat he is offering you with an outstretched arm. He takes your hand afterwards, leading you down the stairs and out of the restaurant only stopping once you had arrived at the bus stop. He turns to you, pulling you close to his body making you gasp. He cups your face in his hands forcing you to look up at him.

“You are going to get through your hardships Y/N. I believe in you”, Yoongi says, pressing a longing kiss to your forehead. Your eyes fall closed, your fingers finding their way to his chest, “I don’t know what burdens you today but just know that I love you very much”, he adds, hugging you against his body.

You inhale his scent, clutching onto the material of his jacket. Despite the cold wind blowing around you, you feel warm and you smile.

“I love you too Yoongi”, you mumble hiding your face in his shoulder.

“Also don’t try to force yourself to eat, I don’t want you to throw up and feel even more miserable”, he says and your eyes snap open.

“How?”

“I know when you are actually enjoying your food and when you are trying to keep up a façade just so I wouldn’t worry”, he says caressing your back, “It’s okay I won’t force you to tell me what worries you”, he whispers pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

“Thank you so much for being so understanding”, you say, blinking away the tears which are threatening to spill.

“Of course princess”, he says pressing one last kiss to your cheek before stepping away from you. He points to the bus, which had arrived at this moment, looking sad.

“I have to go now, I’ll see you tomorrow at lunch”, he says walking to the opened front door of the bus. He turns around, raising his fist, “Fighting baby!”

“Fighting baby I love you”, you yell after him, waving furiously.

“Love you too”, he says before finally stepping onto the bus and sitting down on an unoccupied seat. He rests his head on the window, staring at nothing, clearly lost in his own thoughts.  

You watch him drive off, smiling brightly. He did manage to make you feel better after all. You giggle, leaning your back to the railing of the bridge, watching the traffic pass by. Soon your bus arrives and you get onto it, sitting down on the first empty seat.

You are working better in the afternoon, your mind only racing with sweet pictures of Yoongi. You manage to check out Taehyungs work, which leaves you thoroughly impressed. He had done an amazing job.

Friday turns out to be the same than your every other work day. You wake up before your alarm, you water your plants before writing Yoongi a good morning text and eat breakfast. You manage to catch your bus this time and greet Taehyung, who was waiting for you at the fountain with a bright smile. Just like always you have a quick small talk with Namjoon before you both fall silent and work on your projects. You meet Yoongi for lunch as always and this time you are laughing the whole time feeling happy again. And after finishing your afternoon shift and some small talk with Taehyung outside the building you are off into the weekend.

You arrive at your apartment thirty minutes before you have to leave again, which gives you enough time for a quick afternoon snacks. You pull out your red jogging suit and a white t-shirt from your wardrobe before slipping out of your skirt and blouse. At least you don’t have to keep wearing this terribly tight skirt anymore. You sigh rubbing your stomach, which was now able to relax again before slipping into your sweats and t-shirt. You put the jacket on and bind your hair up into a ponytail. So that’s it, now you are ready to carry boxes.

You decide on eating a banana and drinking some apple-raspberry smoothie before you have to get out of the door again. The banana is already starting to brown, but you couldn’t care less taking big bites of it. You are hungry and you need the energy for later. The smoothie is sweeter than you had thought it to be and after reading the label you know why. You sigh, great there is sugar right at the second place of the ingredients, so much for it being a ‘healthy smoothie’. You take the last two sips of the overly-sweet beverage before throwing it into the bin and walking to your front door. You have ten minutes to get to the bus stop and with the sneakers you are putting on you are actually able to do it this time.

Seokjin’s old apartment is located opposite of the Han River and the drive takes you around forty minutes. You can already spot Namjoon waiting at the bus stop, a book in his hand and his glasses dangerously low on his nose.

“Hey did you wait long already?” you greet him, running up to him.

He raises his head from the book, a smile forming on his face.

“Hey Y/N. No it’s okay I kept myself entertained”, he says waving the closed book in the air.

“What are you reading?” you ask trying to get a glimpse of the cover.

“Runaway Horses by Yukio Mishima, it’s a really great book”, he says showing you the cover.

“Everything’s written in Japanese”, you pout after realising that you can’t read a single letter on the cover.

He nods, stuffing the soft cover book into his coat pocket. You start to walk, both of you looking at the grey apartment complex appearing in front of you.

“Yeah, I try to study Japanese these days, it’s actually really easy once you have gotten the hang of it”, he says shrugging his shoulders.

“Easy for you, you mean. Only you can learn these many characters in such a short period of time.”

“I’m flattered I guess”, he says smiling shyly, “if you ever need a teacher I am happy to help.”

“Ah, no thank you I think I’ll pass, I’m far too busy with work already”, you say dismissing him with a wave of your hand.

“Fine suit yourself”, he says shrugging his shoulders.

You press the door bell of Seokjins apartment, waiting until you can hear a faint crack through the speakers.

“Hello?” you hear Seokjins voice.

“Hey man it’s Y/N and me, open up”, Namjoon says.

“Sure, wait a minute”, Seokjin says before you can hear the buzz of the front door.

You press the door open, leaning your back against it, so it wouldn’t fall closed again.

“Did it work?” Seokjin asks and you can hear another buzz from the door.

“It did, we’ll be coming up now”, Namjoon says.

“Okay”, Seokjin says before you can hear another crack.

“Let’s go”, you say holding the door open for Namjoon to step through.

Seokjin is already standing in the frame of his door with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his sweaters, when you and Namjoon arrive at the last step. You wave at your friend whilst panting hard from having to walk up two stories.

“Hi guys I’m so happy that you came”, Seokjin smiles, welcoming you with spread arms. He hugs you first, patting your back before doing the same to Namjoon.

“Of course, if our friend needs help moving out of this shithole we will come”, you say making him chuckle.

“You can’t even imagine how happy I am that I can finally leave this place. Please come inside”, he says stepping out of the doorframe to let you into his apartment, “you can keep your shoes on, honestly as dirty as everything is, some dirty shoe tracks is the least of my problems. I mean it guys, you can’t even imagine how dirty everything became lately. Just before you came I found three new moldy spots in the bathroom”, he tells you, pointing at the opened bathroom door.

“Jeez, thank god you are out of this place now. Mold is so dangerous”, you say starring at the greying walls.

“I know, I think I’ve already gotten sick because of it. My eyes don’t stop watering and since three days I have this very painful cough”, he says touching his chest.

“Yo bro I think you should go see a doctor. That sounds serious”, Namjoon says, staring at Seokjin with worried eyes.

“I will don’t worry, after I have moved into my new place”, Seokjin says before kneeling down on the floor of his living room area.

“I hope so or I’ll personally drag you to one. What should we do?” you say kneeling next to him. He looks at you before pointing at the boxes next to his bed.

“I’ll try to disassemble my coffee table and carry it to the moving van Jungkook said he’ll arrive with in ten minutes and Namjoon could you try to carry my bedside table and the lamp down?” Seokjin tells you.

Namjoon nods, storming to the bedside table and grabbing it before grunting loudly. Seokjin watches Namjoon struggle with the table for a few moment before looking back at you.

“And could you put all of my skincare and beauty supplies in the plastic container in the bathroom? Here you can have my mask in the mean time”, he says handing you the grey face mask. You accept it, pulling it over your face and jump to your feet.

“You can count on me”, you tell him before storming off into the bathroom.

“Oh and after that, could you sort my kitchen supplies into boxes as well?” Seokjin screams after you and you give him a thumbs up.

“Sure”, you say to which he mumbles a quiet thank you.

You open the mirrored bathroom cabinet, gasping at the great variety of Seokjins skincare products. You can spot everything from three different oil cleansers over to two foam cleansers and five different essences. For toners you counted two and for moisturizers he had apparently one for winter nights and one for winter morning as well as one for summer nights and one for summer mornings.

“I should step up my skincare game”, you whisper to yourself, throwing the variety of sunscreen bottles into the plastic container.

Soon his big collection of sheet masks and other bathroom products are getting thrown into the container and you finish everything of with a content sigh. That was a lot, you think to yourself pressing the lid closed before squatting down to try and lift it off the floor but failing miserably.

“Jesus fuck that’s heavy”, you groan holding your aching back.

Seokjins form appears in the doorframe, a worried look on his face.

“Don’t try and lift too heavy stuff, I don’t want you to get a broken back or something”, he says kneeling down and heaping up the heavy container with ease.

“Thank you bro”, you say watching him put the container in front of the bathroom door with his tongue sticking out.

“Don’t mention it, just tell me if you need help again I’m right here”, he says pointing at the small TV, “I’ll try to disassemble the TV stand next”, he explains to which you nod.

“Sure have fun, I’ll be in kitchen if you need me”, you tell him before turning around and walking to the kitchen era.

To your luck Seokjin was nice enough to actually put all of his kitchen supplies out of the cupboards already. He even had gone as far as to sort them by use, so putting them into boxes turns out to be a fairly easy process.

“Hey man how are you?” you can hear Seokjin say from the front door which makes you stop in your movements.

“Fine, traffic is literal shit today, but what else can you expect on a Friday evening”, you can hear Jungkooks voice which makes you storm to the front door as well.

“Hey Kookie”, you smile making his head snap into your direction.

“Oh, Y/N! I didn’t expect you to be here. Hello how are you?” he says bowing.

��I’m good thanks for asking”, you say bowing back at him.

“Where’s Namjoon by the way?” Seokjin says looking out of the door onto the empty corridor.

“Still downstairs, putting the furniture, which was already downstairs when we arrived, into the van”, Jungkook explains throwing his jacket carelessly onto the couch. He looks around Seokjins small apartment.

“What should I carry?” he asks, rolling his sleeves up exposing his arms.

“You can carry down the boxes full of bathroom supplies already and I’m nearly finished with the kitchen supplies box as well”, you tell him, pointing at the plastic container next to the bathroom door.

Jungkook nods, squatting down to grab the box before standing up grunting loudly.

“That’s heavier than expected”, he groans furrowing his eyebrows.

“Should I help you?” you ask, reaching out to grab the underside of the container. Jungkook shakes his head, turning his body away from you.

“Nope I’m okay don’t worry”, he says before trotting out of the apartment and down the stairs.

You look after him until he disappears and turn around to walk to the kitchen afterwards. You open the last empty box to put Seokjins mental pots and pans away before you can hear Seokjin call for you.

You storm into the living room, stopping next to Seokjin who is currently leaning over the TV.

“Can you maybe put all of my DVDs and games in a box?” he asks and you nod.

You kneel down next to him, opening an empty cardboard box to put all of his stuff into it.

“Oh besides I should tell you in Yoongis name that he is very hurt that you haven’t told him about you moving places”, you say making Seokjin look at you.

“He told you that?” he asks looking confused.

“Yep, he also said that if he knew about your plans he would have taken a day off to help”, you say making Seokjin scoff.

“As if he had helped. This man has a desire to carry heavy things like an old man has the desire to walk up steep hills”, Seokjin says shaking his head.

You laugh, agreeing with your friend with a nod of your head.

“No but in all seriousness, I haven’t seen him for two weeks now, so I didn’t even have an opportunity to talk to him. Can you tell him that I’m sorry?” he says to which you nod.

“I’ll tell him that”, you say throwing the last of his playstation games into the box. You stand up, taking the box into your hands, “I’ll carry this down and help Namjoon with getting everything into the truck. Or do you still need me upstairs?” you say, stopping at the doorframe to look at Seokjin.

He shakes his head, taking the small TV into his hands before walking up to you.

“It’s just heavy stuff up here, so I think you would be more useful downstairs”, he says following you out of his apartment and down the stairs.

When you and Seokjin arrive at the moving van, Jungkook and Namjoon are carrying Seokjins work desk to the moving van, both of them grunting in exhaustion. With the help of Seokjin, who had put down the TV to storm to his friends, they are able to heave it onto the van. Jungkook and Seokjin walk up to Seokjins apartment afterwards leaving you alone with Namjoon. Soon everything is stored in the big van and they four of you are off to Jungkooks apartment.

With the very much needed elevator in Jungkooks apartment complex you are much faster with carrying everything upstairs and storing it in Seokjins room. So after two more hours of carrying boxes and furniture you are finally finished.

“That was faster than expected”, you say taking a sip of the beer Jungkook had offered you as an after-work-reward.

“It really was thank god for the holy elevator”, Jungkook says sitting down on one of his barstools.

“Honestly I think I would have gone home if I had to carry the heavy ass work desk for seven flights”, Namjoon says making you laugh.

“I wouldn’t even have been mad at you”, Seokjin chuckles opening a second can of beer.

“Do you guys maybe wanna stay for some pizza or something?” Jungkook asks to which both you and Namjoon shake your heads.

“I would love to, but I exhausted and I honestly just want to go to bed already”, you tell them.

“And I still have to finish a project that I couldn’t finish at work today”, Namjoon says making all of you roll your eyes at him.

“You are such a workaholic man”, Seokjin says earning an angry look from Namjoon.

“Stop saying that all of you, I’m not a workaholic I just can’t sleep if I haven’t finished everything that I wanted to this week”, Namjoon hisses crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Fine if you want us to believe that, just don’t forget to take breaks in between as well”, you tell him before taking the last sip of your beer and throwing the empty can into the bin.

“I will”, Namjoon mumbles following the rest of you to the front door.

“Thanks for helping me today, I really appreciate your hard work”, Seokjin says giving Namjoon and you a tight hug.  

“Don’t mention it bro, we are always happy to help”, Namjoon smiles, patting his friend’s back.

“Besides it was fun”, you say raising your finger.

“It really was I loved hanging out with you guys again”, Jungkook says combing a fallen strand of hair out of his face.

“It was”, Namjoon says putting on his shoes and reaching for his coat afterwards, “thanks for the beer by the way it was delicious”, he adds before opening the front door. He stops, turning around on the corridor, “I’ll see you guys on Sunday!” he grins bowing at the rest of you before walking down the long corridor leaving you behind.

“Why does he never wait for me?” you groan struggling to put your shoes on.

“Cause he is a total slob and is probably in his own world again”, Seokjin scoffs making you laugh.

“Typical Joonie”, you laugh shaking your head.

“By the way, I nearly forgot. Hyung and I have a housewarming party on Sunday and we would really love it if you and Yoongi could come as well. We will have food as well as a nice variety of alcoholic beverages”, Jungkook says making you look up from your feet.

“Sure I would love to come, I’ll tell Yoongi tomorrow”, you say sending Jungkook a sweet smile.

“Great, I’m happy to hear that, I’ll count you two in then”, Seokjin says, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yep count us in. Thanks for the invite guys”, you smile bowing at the two men.

“You are welcome. See you on Sunday then”, Jungkook grins bowing back at you.

“See you”, you say before turning around and walking down the long corridor to the elevators.

Now all you want to do is get home, take a hot shower and fall into bed afterwards!

[aufbrechenumauszubrechen]

aufbrechen, um auszubrechen – Finding the love of my life in Ottawa

Hello world!

You might be wondering why this entry is written in English. The answer is simple: It's because this is a very special one for a very special person. Exactly two years ago I met a man that I've been in love with ever since. And this is how our two paths crossed...

I arrived at the Ottawa airport in the late afternoon. Compared to Vancouver it was freezing. Snow was covering houses, trees and streets. One could assume it was actually winter. I took an Uber to my Airbnb which cost me about $30. When I had booked the Airbnb everything around looked pretty close. I actually thought I could walk into the city within 45 minutes. Oh, what a fool I was. After I arrived at my apartment in Gloucester, a suburb of Ottawa, and logged into the wifi I soon found out that the next grocery store was a 30 minute walk away. Needless to say that there was 10cm of snow covering the streets.

But since I was hungry and the owner of the apartment was not home yet, I decided to go for that walk to buy myself some dinner. Except for that huge scarf I had bought in Revelstoke my winter gear was rather uncommon – two t-shirts, a sweater, a light jacket, a pair of jeans and runners. I'm still freezing just thinking about that walk. But when I came back I had dinner and some snacks in my backpack. So it was definitely worth it. I made myself some food and had great company – the owner's two cats. With my stomach full of spaghetti I went upstairs to my room. One of the reasons I went to Ottawa was to meet the OTM crew. OTM stands for One Track Mind and it's a group of people training for the decathlon. Kevin, head of that crew, vlogged about his life as a decathlete and put the videos on YouTube. I had been watching his videos for quite a while now and was eager to finally meet and train with the crew. Before I started my trip I had been emailing Kevin about the possibility of training with them. He liked the idea. So now I emailed him again asking about their training schedule for the week. While I was waiting for him to reply I opened up Grindr on my phone. I hadn't touched the app since Vancouver so I was interested to see if the Ottawa users were less creepy. And indeed most men on there seemed to be rather ordinary judging by their profile pictures. Also, I did not get any dick pics. So I was regaining trust in the app. Still, I did not use my real name on the app. I was Ben. Nice to meet you! Since I was still home alone I spent the night scrolling through numerous profiles of gay Ottawa men. If you are interested in a person you can either text them right away or send that person a flame to see if they like you back. Since I'm not good at taking the first step, I usually waited for people to text me or send me a flame. There was only one person that night that got my flame. His name was Brennan and I liked his greenish blue eyes. There was something faithful in his look. It did not take long for him to send me a flame back. My heart jumped a little when I saw that notification. Now it was time for me to take the first step. I started texting him on the app. Honestly, I don't even remember what my first lines were, probably something like „Hi, I'm Josef... I mean Ben. Nice to meet you!“. But whatever I said first, it must have worked because he texted back. I was super happy and we texted back and forth for quite some time. Finally, I got a text message from Kevin that there is training tomorrow morning and that he's gonna pick me up at 9am. It was 2am. Time to go to bed. I put my phone aside and fell asleep with a happy smile on my face.

I got up after less than six hours of sleep. But nothing could worry me because Brennan still texted back. After a quick breakfast Kevin picked me up to go to training. What I really like about Canadians is that they are so open-minded. I mean, Kevin just picked up a random German guy to take him to training. We had only texted a few times and soon after I was joining the OTM training session in the Dome at Louis Riel. I had never seen a 400 meter indoor track in my entire life. It was awesome! Unfortunately, none of the other OTM crew members showed up for that training. But two girls that I knew from Kevin's vlogs – Charlotte and Sveta – were also there. So that made it a bit less awkward. We spend the next two and a half hours doing long jump drills, short sprints, hurdles, med ball exercises, some weight training and finshed off with 2x300m. It was a lot of fun. I was super out of shape, but they still made me feel like I was part of the group. In the end, I got a cap from their coach James and two Ottawa Lions t-shirts from Zach, another coach from that club. I had a great time! Thanks a lot, Kevin!

Back at home, I took a shower, ate the rest of yesterday's spaghetti and went to a thrift shop that was next to the grocery store. I desperately needed a warm jacket. But I was unlucky. They did not have any jackets that I could wear with confidence. So I walked back to my Airbnb. I was lucky that I just made it before it started to snow like crazy. When I arrived I finally met the owner, Mark, and his girlfriend Kaitlyn. They were both super nice. While they were preparing their dinner we talked a lot about travelling and cats. After lots of laughs I went upstairs and started texting with Brennan again. We agreed on exchanging numbers and continued our conversation on WhatsApp. Since Kevin had told me that there was free ice skating Downtown and I needed to go buy a warmer jacket anyway, I knew that I was heading to the city the next day. So I suggested meeting Downtown. When Brennan did not they no right away I figured my chances were really good to actually meet that man with the beautiful eyes. Again, I went to bed with a smile on my face.

When I went downstairs to make myself some breakfast the next morning Mark offered to take me Downtown since he had a meeting there anyway. An hour later I found myself standing in the cold wind of Parliament Hill. I had booked 30 minutes of ice skating online. So I just rented some skates and had a great time on the ice without falling once.

After freezing my butt off on the ice it was finally time to get some winter clothes. So I went to the Rideau Mall to get a nice warm jacket and some shoes. I texted Brennan to see what his plans were for the day. He actually considered coming Downtown to meet me. But I had some convincing to do. He told me how gross he looked today and I told him that I would really like to experience his complete grossness first hand. It kind of worked. He agreed to come and meet me at The Highlander Pub. We had a date! So now I did not only need a warm jacket and shoes but also a nice pair of jeans and a sweater since I was wearing some super worn out travelling clothes. I found everything I needed, got changed in the bathroom, stuffed my old clothes in a backpack that was way too small and looked in the mirror. Just one little detail was missing. I was still wearing my glasses. But since I did not have glasses on in any of my profile pictures I figured to better not wear them. So I didn't. It made my vision worse but helped my confidence. I checked my phone and Brennan just texted that he was sitting in The Highlander Pub, in the left corner when you enter. I loved how specific he was because it lowered the chances of awkwardly not finding each other immensely. And that's when I walked in and saw him for the first time. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I said hi and the rest is history. We had an apple cider and some good talks. We was funny, asked smart questions and made me feel super comfortable. After our Ciders we had some pizza at The Grand Pizzeria and Bar. That's where he asked me if I was actually gay. I had a good laugh and confirmed my gayness. Time just flew by. He showed me around the city. He took the picture of me hanging from the T of the famous Ottawa sign. We walked through the snow.

To Parliament Hill where we saw a little light show.

After our amazing first date he drove me to my Airbnb. We hugged and said goodbye both knowing that this would not be the last time we saw each other. I went to bed with the biggest smile on my face.

After all the excitement the day before I slept super long. I went to get some Christmas presents for my family and headed to training after. This time the whole OTM crew was present.

We did some sprints, weight training and shot put. It was fun to get back into training. After a shower at home Brennan picked me up to get some burritos at Mucho Burrito. On our drive there I took all my courage and placed my hand on his that was on the gearshift. I asked him if that was okay. He said yes. That made me really happy. At Mucho Burrito I ordered a Mucho Veggie, the vegetarian burrito option, and was asked what kind of meat I would like on that. Classic. Brennan and I had a good laugh about that and ate our delicious burritos. We headed to his place to watch a movie. Julia Roberts ate, prayed and loved. And we cuddled. The weather outside got super ugly. Snow fell like crazy and the wind was picking up. We both decided that it was not the best idea to drive or be in a car right now. So I stayed the night. To not rush things I slept in the guest room which is something we now laugh about a lot. Whenever I visit Brennan nowadays he asks if I want to sleep in the guest room again. Probably I should some day to relive the memories.

They next day started with lots of cuddles and breakfast. It felt like the right place to be. Brennan took me back to my Airbnb so I could make it to training in time. At training we just did some running and pole vaulting. I took an Uber home, showered and prepared my dinner. I spent the night at the kitchen table talking and laughing with Mark and Kaitlyn. They gave me a little guestbook to sign. Here is what I did.

After that I went upstairs, packed my things and fell asleep right away. My Ottawa experience had been amazing so far. The next destination was Montréal although I liked Ottawa and especially Brennan so much that I just wanted to stay there.

The next day I left Gloucester and took the train to Montréal. The train ride was quite scenic so the time flew by and suddenly I arrived in the most populated city of Québec. When I left the train station to walk the few blocks to my hostel a windy negative 15 degrees celsius blew into my face. I had never experienced anything like that. It felt unreal. And very, very cold. I made it to the hostel in one frozen piece, checked in and got to my room. At hostel looked nice at first, but the eight bunk bedroom looked and smelled like prison. We had a little bathroom in there that probably hadn't been cleaned in two years. It was a mess. But it was cheap. I just put my stuff in that room and left it as fast as I could. The common area was nice though. And they had a big room for reading which nobody used. So I sat down there and started writing on my blog. After a while I could not concentrate anymore so I decided to go ugly Christmas sweater shopping. It's a family tradition that I started a few years ago. I basically put on every piece of clothing I had in my backpack and went outside. After a few failed attempts of finding a really ugly one I found this one.

After my shopping success I went to the Museum of Modern Art. They had a Leonard Cohen exhibition. All I knew about him was that he wrote Hallelujah. So I was eager to learn more. I walked out of that exhibition three hours later thinking that I learnt a lot. But now the only thing I remember is his quote: There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. I really like that quote, but still feel embarrassed about not being able to remember more. Not to blame anyone here but I was constantly texting Brennan while walking through the museum. One could say I might have been a bit distracted. After that nice educational visit I got a delicious falafel and went back to the hostel. The room was still smelly but so was I after the falafel. So I called it a day and fell asleep.

The next day I slept in a little, took a shower in one of the hallway bathrooms, got my breakfast and went into the city. I bought a few postcards and a nice sweater for Brennan as a surprise. After that I felt like I had seen enough of Montréal since all I could think of was Brennan. So I went to the train station to change my train ticket to be back in Ottawa earlier. That way I could spend one more full day with Brennan before leaving for Iceland. I paid $21 to change my ticket and was a happy man. Through the freezing wind of Montréal I walked back to the hostel to relax in that reading room nobody was using. When I went back into my room I met Charlie from London. He told me about a Christmas Market he wanted to go to and asked if I wanted to join. So we walked to that Christmas Market which felt a bit like a German Christmas Market. Just that it was trying too hard.

But it was at that place and time that I had my very first poutine. I felt super Canadian right away. The poutine itself was okay. It was more about the experience anyway.

After that Charlie went to a party and I went to bed.

The next morning I got up early to catch the train to Ottawa. On the train ride I watched Home Alone 1 on my laptop. It's the kind of nostalgia I like. With the perfect timing of Kevin hugging his mother in the end I arrived in Ottawa. Brennan picked me up at the train station. We went to our favourite – Mucho Burrito – and with a full stomach made it to his place. We spend all day watching movies and cuddling on the couch. I enjoyed every minute of it. Julie Andrews taught us the Do-Re-Mi as we were watching The Sound of Music. Later Melissa McCarthy food poison pooed in the sink in Bridesmaids. All in all, it was a successful day that ended with pizza and more cuddles. This time I upgraded myself to sleeping in his bed. We were both happy with that decision.

The next day it was time to say goodbye for now. I was headed to Iceland next and Scandinavia after. But I was already sure that I would pass on the last Scandinavia week and get on a plane back to Canada. I gave him the sweater I bought. And he gave me some beautiful gloves. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. He drove me to the airport, gave me one last kiss and the next thing I know is me waving him goodbye. At first, there was a lot of sadness knowing that this part of our story was over, that I was about to continue my travels and that I would not see him for some time now. But soon after I realized that it was just the start of it all. The start of something so beautiful words fail to describe. So I sat there at the gate waiting for my flight. I checked my phone. He texted. Heart emoji. This is just the start. There is so much more to come.

Ich liebe dich, Brennan.

[boymeetsweevil]

Hoping for the Best - NSFW

Grouping: Lifeguard!Reader x Lifeguard!Hoseok

Word Count: ~24.3k    lmao

Warnings/Themes: Friends to enemies? to lovers, SLOW burn, Descriptions of bullying, unrequited love???, Making out, Cunniligus, Fingering, Penetrative sex, Dom!Hoseok if you squint, spanking, use of the epithet brat ;), Lack of communication, Idiots who don’t talk about their feelings

Summary: “He knows you two are linked though. You must know it too. It’s impossible to deny when you both reach climax at the same time during your first time, the breath leaving him like you knocked it out and your eyes rolling into the back of your head like he scratched stars there for only you to see.”

A/N: This piece is for the BSC 1000 Followers Writing Project! based off prompt 14: Pretending to drown to get a kiss from the hot lifeguard / “Actually I’m drowning please save me.”  ALSO! the coffee shop joke makes a little more sense if you think about it in chinese but oh well 

Even after four years of coming and going, the gentle warmth that you feel seeping into your tired bones when your shuttle returns you to your hometown every summer never seems to dull. Certainly, you will never tire of the smell of the household laundry detergent, weaved into the threads of your parents’ clothes, after two long semesters away. The same scratch of threadbare sheets across your skin as you lay in the bed you’ve had since you were 9 is always a welcome feeling to wake up to on the first morning back. The smell of porridge, a dish you’ve come to appreciate, greets you as well.

“There she is,” your father smiles at your stumbling figure over the newspaper. His eyes crinkle and he holds you in his gaze for a long few beats. There’s something bittersweet about the way the eye adjusts to the film that time lays over loved ones that have been away. Despite this, he can still clearly see the outline of your past self, much smaller but with the same bedhead and swinging feet at the dinner table. “The princess has finally awakened and decided to grace us with her presence.”

“Good morning, dad,” you yawn widely.

Your mother passes you a steaming bowl of porridge and a plate of cut fruit. She sits down with the mail and begins to sort through the small mountain of bills. Half of them she waves at your father for him to appraise as well. This reminds him.

“Say, kiddo,” his tone is careful and it wakes you up from your dreamy haze quicker than you would like. “You thinking about doing work at the marine lab again?”

“Honey, she just got back yesterday. Let her rest. You can talk about all that later, can’t you?”

“Talk about what?” Pushing your bowl back, you straighten up in your chair and turn to your father. He looks a bit guilty now that you’ve pinned him with your stare.

“Your mother and I were just wondering if you were going to renew your internship with them. They paid you the last couple of times and…If we’re being honest, we could use a little help this summer.”

“Are you guys in trouble with the house?” Alarm colors your voice and for the first time since you’d arrived, you look around carefully.

The house doesn’t look like its changed. It’s still cozy with its warm-toned exposed wood and painted cabinets. Your parents haven’t changed either. They don’t look much older than they did when you were home last. Your mother wears her favorite cardigan to protect from the chill that creeps up on her when she wakes with the sun. Your father wears a simple pair of khakis and a short sleeved polo, a regular work outfit. Perhaps it’s because you haven’t cast off the last vestiges of sleep that you don’t immediately realize it’s odd for your father, a retired school teacher, to be working in the summer. A divot forms in between your brows and you wonder how long they planned on keeping you in the dark about money troubles while spoiling you after graduation.

“Of course not, baby.” Your mother lays a soothing hand on your shoulder and pats. “Things are just a little tight lately. Your uncle needed money again, this time a little more than usual.”

“Now that you’re all grown-up, we thought you might like to try and help out a little more around the house. Fun, right?” Despite the gravity of the subject, your father still manages to smile softly at his own joke with a deep laugh.

“I actually got an email from them a weeks ago,” you return to your porridge in hopes that it’ll dislodge the tell-tail lump you get in your throat before crying. “They’re giving priority to the PhD students this year, so they won’t have any funding for interns not already affiliated with the college.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, dear. We both know how much you loved that place,” your father frowns and your expressions mirror one another. But while his face expresses sympathetic disappointment, yours shows resolution.

“No. No, it’s totally fine. This is good. I should probably keep on applying to real jobs now, anyway. And I need to be able to pay rent somewhere, so I should get a summer job too.”

It’s your mother’s turn to frown. “Oh, baby, you know you could stay here, if you want. We wouldn’t ever dream of charging you for rent.”

“No, mom,” you stand up from the table, “I should start taking responsibility. I’m gonna go out and find something simple so I can focus on job apps, but I’ll bring you whatever check I get.”

Silence falls over the room as you wash your dishes at the sink. Over just the sound of the running water, your parents exchange meaningful glances at one another. You press a kiss to both of their heads before you ascend the stairs to your room to get ready. Your father’s hand envelopes your mother’s. You’ve grown well.

The first thing you do after you’ve finished getting ready is head over to a local coffee house. It’s the most student-friendly place in all of your sleepy suburban town. What can only be described as an acoustic/hip-hop hybrid flows from hidden speakers, drowning out the sound of the bell on the front door tinkling when you step inside. The cafe is full of other enterprising 20-somethings, so no one’s eyes raise to follow you as you find a seat by the shop window.

You open your laptop and pull up your resume file. Luckily, you’ve been diligent and it’s been looked over and updated. Opening up a webpage, you begin to fill out applications for various companies looking for new hires. Some of them are just companies you think you could handle the workload at, but a few of them are positions for doing research to improve and preserve marine life, which is a passion of yours. Time passes you by quickly and you’re so involved in emailing your research advisors at your place of internship and professors who praised you in undergrad that you don’t see the man who enters the cafe; nor do you see the way all the staff behind the counter hurry to greet him.

Jin goes to retrieve his apron from the back room before coming out again to start work. He does a visual sweep over the cafe, looking for any customers who look like they’re not enjoying their experience, any spills, or display sets that are out of order. He walks over the small side table that houses a meticulously stacked set of shining chrome thermoses with the minimalist cafe logo embossed at the bottom. One of the containers is leaning precariously out of alignment and threatening to spill the entire arrangement on the poor girl working studiously nearby. Quietly, he walks over, making sure not to walk too loudly and startle the customer.

It takes a careful hand, but he manages to organize the display pyramid once more without too much clanking. A quick glance to the side informs him that you’re not a regular customer. He’s come in to work every single day since the cafe open 15 months ago, and he’s certain he’s memorized all the familiar and loyal faces. Another glance tells him that you haven’t bought anything—judging by the lack of pastry crumbs, crumpled soiled napkins, empty drinks or characteristic ring of perspiration on the table surface. But you’re clearly deep enough into your work that you can’t have just arrived either. Jin shakes his head with a reminiscing smile. College students and their desperation for a place to work. He debates going over having one of the baristas tell you that loitering isn’t allowed, but since you’re new and still a potential customer he leaves to go brew a cup of coffee instead of shooing you away.

The sound of a text notification from your mother inquiring about how you’re doing disrupts your tunnel vision. You finish uploading your CV onto an online application to a research facility in the nearby city and shoot her back a text telling her you’re at the new cafe in town. Her responding notification comes quickly, the first few lines asking “isn’t that where your friend-” before cutting off. Before you answer her, you figure you should stretch your legs as an excuse to buy a sugary drink. You stand up and push out your chair, about to turn around and head to the counter, but your chair bumps against something. The something yelps and takes a few shuffled steps back. You turn with imploring hands already out, ready to apologize and curse yourself for being too in your own world. You’re not expecting to see Kim Seokjin standing behind you with a takeaway coffee and fixings looking equally shocked to see you.

“Jin? Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in so long!” A smile splits your face and you gesture towards your table while clearing some of your stuff to the side so he has some room to put his things down.

“I know. I was wondering if you were gonna be one of those people who skips town forever after they leave for college, but I guess you’re not.”

“No, that’s not quite me,” you duck your head bashfully, “What about you? Do you work around here?” The takeaway coffee sits in front of him, steaming. He looks to be on his way out. “Or is that where you’re headed now?”

“This is actually for you,” he chuckles. “But if I’d known the free-loader sitting out here without buying anything was you, I would'vr run down to a Starbucks and got you one of those candy drinks instead of this blonde roast.”

“I see you’re still a coffee snob.” You take the coffee anyway, though. A rigorous four years at college made you less discriminatory about your caffeine choices. If it would keep you up, you would drink it. That being said, you still hate the taste of plain coffee and are immediately grateful when you notice the sugar shaker and tiny cream pitcher that Jin brought to the table as well.

“I see you still have the palate of 4 year old.” His nose wrinkles as he watches you ruin the perfect coffee he made for you with too much cream and a heinous amount of sugar.

You stick your tongue out at him before taking a careful sip of the hot drink. It tastes like hot, coffee-flavored ice cream, so you’re satisfied.“If you’re not going to work, what brings you here?”

“This is my work. I own this place,” he says with a smirk and grand sweeping movement of his arm towards the rest of the cafe. You look at the store’s logo printed in metallic yellow characters throughout the space—GoldJin Coffee. Your eyes widen and you look back down at your blonde roast. Blonde roast…golden coffee…GoldJin Coffee. You groan at the horrible pun and his sudden squeaking laugh tells you he’s delighted that you get the joke.

“I see your sense of humor is still terrible. Good to know,” you deadpan.

“But the coffee is good. You gotta admit it’s good.”

“It is,” you nod as you take another sip, eyes closing partially at the taste and partially at his awful dad-sensibility. “I guess it has to be if you’re going to found this place on such a shitty joke.”

He leans in conspiratorially, making you lean in too. “If I’m being honest…when I explained the joke on the company instagram page, we lost 20 followers. But the sales never dipped, so I’m fine.” He waits until you’ve put your cup down before asking, “What about you. Are you working?”

“Yeah. Well, actually no. I’m trying to find some work for the summer, but I was also applying for longer-term jobs before you came over.”

“I heard you were working at the BTU marine department,” he says with furrowed brows. You sigh at the mention of the internship again.

“I was, but they’ve decided to give actual BTU students priority. Which I totally understand. But I need money, so I can’t really afford to do a free internship right now. Hence the frantic job applications during my precious summer break.”

“Oh, well why don’t you work at the country club? My dad says that they could use some help over there. He still remembers you, I’m sure.”

“What kind of work?”

Although you’re fairly equal-opportunity when it comes to jobs, you’re not about to spend your break picking up after rich people, even if they produced people like your high school friend Jin. He picks up on your wary tone and laughs.

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing too degrading. They need help at the children’s pool. Can you still freestyle like you used to?”

He grins at you fondly, fairly sure the answer is yes given that you became friends because he recruited you himself to the swim team in your freshman year. As one of the handful of upperclassmen there, he was assigned to you as your practice and tournament mentor. 

Memories of the smell of chlorine saturating the air and sunburns on your shoulders dance across your mind’s eye. Almost as if it were happening right then and there, you remember the sound of Jin yelling at you as you pushed your body to slice through the water faster and faster during practices. You remember the feeling of pressing a cold pack to his shoulder after he pulled a muscle training in the weight room too hard and couldn’t make it to the very tournament he’d been prepping for. You remember Jin cradling your tear-stained face and laughing with you after you beat your record by more than you could have ever imagined. You remember the two of you sharing a seat and blanket on the bus during winter meets. You remember Jin sneaking into the girl’s bathroom to bring you the tampons you left in your locker only to get caught by Lisa, the girls team coach, and forced to do 50 laps.There’s no way you could forget any of that.

Your eyes get a little misty. “Hell yeah, I do.”

“Great,” he says after a beat. “If you pass the lifeguard test and get picked, it pays 20 an hour and some of the parents leave tips.”

“Are you serious? Since when do people tip lifeguards?”

He shrugs. “It’s the country club. They do it because they can. They’re testing today at four, you know.”

You check your phone and see that you have just enough time to run back to your house to grab some swim stuff and get to the club in time for the test. Pulling out a 10 dollar bill, you thank the universe for sending Jin to you in this hour of financial need.

“Here’s a 10. I don’t know how much this coffee costs, but knowing you it’s probably overpriced.”

“You don’t have to pay—” he gapes before you cut him off with a smile and dismissive hand wave.

“Just take the money, Jin. I’m going over there right now. Wish me luck.”

He can only nod, picking up the empty sugar packets and wiping down the few stray droplets of cream you left on the table while you pack. You’re out the door before he can actually get any words of encouragement out, but he’s certain you won’t need it. It’s not until he comes back with a spray bottle to properly clean the table and sees the 10 dollar bill that he realizes he probably should have warned you who you might see at the pool.

The pool, as it happens, has its own sector at the club and its own parking lot. Both the regular pool and the kiddie pool look onto the rolling green of the golf course that is rumored to have won national gardening competitions. The parking spaces are ample and you are glad for this. For some reason you feel it would be doing your vehicle a disservice if you were forced to park it next to what looked like a 2020 Bentley. Driving in your father’s two digit year-old compact car past the valet makes you realized it’s been a while since you’ve been on the wealthier side of town.

You reminisce as you follow the signs that lead you to the lifeguard test. The last time you were in the area, it was for Jin’s graduation party. There had been a large, beautiful, and somehow legal bonfire in the backyard of the Kim residence. It was probably one of the most genuinely entertaining parties you’d gone to, beating out nearly all of the drunk raves you’d attended during college. Most of the guests were family friends of the Kims, but the rest were swim team members. Given that you’d all become comfortable with one another while in a near-constant state of wetness and undress, there were no awkward party jitters. You all drank from red Solo cups and bonded over stories about Jin since he was the man of the hour. It would have been a perfect party if not for one person. Almost on command, you can feel your heart-rate spike at the thought of the most annoying boy you had ever encountered. He had been invited to the party as well and spent the whole night trying to get your attention, not unlike how he behaved when you were in classes together. You try to remain calm before the swim test and force the annoying memories back to the corner of your mind. Lucky for you, he wouldn’t ever bother you again.

When you finally make your way out of the winding women’s changing room, you’re greeted by the sight of crystalline blue water ebbing gently within the large outdoor pool. A gathering of about 8 other people are chattering amongst themselves while a single lifeguard looks over a clipboard. Most of them turn as you approach and you nod a bit shyly before the lifeguard checks the time and decides to begin the test. Any other time, you would be nervous but this isn’t an ordinary test environment. The only feeling swimming and being in water can give you is a sense of deep calm. This proves to give you a leg up because not even 5 minutes into the directions two people leave after the lifeguard says the pressure of the job isn’t for those who freeze up while stressed. More people end up getting cut when they ask you all to tread water without using your arms for 5 minutes. Suddenly you are glad that you kept a regular swim schedule in college to maintain your stress. Your arms are burning by the time they ask you to retrieve a brick from the 10 foot portion of the pool floor, but you make it through. By the end, there are only 3 other people who have finished with you.

You’re blotting at your skin with the towel you brought, waiting for your legs to stop feeling like lead so you can go back to the car, when the head lifeguard approaches you.

“I was paying special attention to you out there,” she says. Her voice doesn’t sound indicting, but it doesn’t sound laudatory either. She’s a stern looking woman, probably in her mid 30’s. Her nametag reads Stella, but you have a hunch that’s not her real name. “Have you done this before?”

“Yeah,” you wrap yourself protectively in your towel, her gaze making you feel transparent. “My highschool coach used to make us take this test every year if we wanted to get on varsity and stay there. And I was the gym lifeguard during the weekends in college.”

She’s silent for a beat and squints, taking in your open expression. “Were you one of Sun’s pupils?”

“Yeah, you know him?”

“Of course. He was my coach too. You can always tell when someone has trained under him. It’s like their stress is water soluble or something.” She finally cracks a grin and you smile, relieved that she doesn’t have a bone to pick with you. “You know CPR?”

You nod and she smiles wider before lowering her voice to a whisper. “I like you. I’ll tell you a secret. We already had the first lifeguard picked out, but we needed a second one to meet pool standards.” You nod with understanding.  “You just got hired.”

“Thank you so much. You won’t regret it.” Stella tosses her head back at your earnest confessions. “When can I start?”

“Tomorrow, if you can. But first come meet the other guy that way you all can start building rapport. You might know him. He’s another one of Sun’s kids. Small world, huh?”

She walks over to the lifeguard lounge and calls into the back.

“Hey! Send Jung out, will you? We found another Sun kid for the little pool, I want them to meet.”

A few moments later a guy with bright orange hair stumbles out of the lounge, wearing the standard red trunks and a matching life vest. When he’s only a few meters away your heart plummets into your stomach. Jung Hoseok’s eyes light up in recognition and he gives you a bright smile.

“Hey, long time no see,” he chirps. When you don’t say anything Stella raises a brow and coughs a little awkwardly. You speak up, remembering the job at stake.

“Hey, Hoseok.” Stella claps a heavy hand on your shoulders, sensing the tension in the way your voice shrinks over the syllables of his name.

“Well, clearly you kids know each other. Hoseok here can tell you about the hours and the jobs you have when you’re not on the chair. If there are any issues, come to me.” No one says anything, so she adds, “I’ll leave you both to it,” before heading to the lounge.

You watch her leave to avoid making eye contact with him, but when she disappears into the lounge Hoseok pipes up.

“This is really crazy, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it really is.” A headache is building in your temples at the sound of his voice. Despite the fact that it’s deepened after nearly a decade, it still elicits the same curl of annoyance under your skin. “Stella said you can tell me about the hours and stuff?”

He doesn’t seem to pick up on your clipped, overly polite tone. “Totally. So, we come in at 7am, six days a week, and open up the little pool and put out the ropes.You know, stuff coach Sun would make us do if we were on our phones during practice, remember?”

You nod, eyes closed and the pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Then we’ll be up in the chairs for 90 minutes at a time. If no one gets hurt, then we can take 20 minutes to swim or take sun breaks. We close 3 hours early on Sundays, though. Oh yeah! They have sunblock and water in the lounge that we can use whenever so you don’t have to—what’s wrong? Are you ok?”

It seems easier to let him escort you to a bench by the poolside than to yell at him about personal space. Besides, under the clean scent of his deodorant, he smells like the the pool and sunscreen and sun warmed skin. The smell actually settles your nerves a bit and your migraine wanes enough for you to open your eyes.

Unsurprisingly, Jung Hoseok is leaning too closely into your space, but it’s been so long that the instinct to bark at him seems to have died away. Up close you can see, from a purely objective standpoint of course, that time has been kind of him. The faded orange of his hair tells you it must have been been dyed a while ago. The water probably also took its toll on his hair judging by the way his hair waves. Clearly, he’s already spent plenty of time in the sun because his hair has somewhat natural looking, almost blond, highlights and his skin is a smooth expanse of warm brown, free of the pimples he had during adolescence. 

The bright red life vest doesn’t hide much of his upper half, which is lean and sculpted, the hint of abs visible as he curls towards you. But this is Jung Hoseok, so you quickly stop your clinical appraisal of his body and go back to politely looking at his face. The first thing you notice is that the characteristic set of braces he wore all through high school are gone and leave only a straight, white smile in its wake. You note that the little beauty mark that rests above his lip is still there. Duly noted. His face is still as annoyingly not-ugly as it has always been, though his jaw has filled out more along with everything else that’s broadened with age. You suppose you shouldn’t be surprised that Jung Hoseok had to grow up eventually. At least physically. Emotionally and mentally speaking, his growth has yet to be determined.

A water bottle suddenly appears in your face, nearly poking you in the eye. His grace, you decide, has not improved at all.

“Seems like you still get headaches if you push yourself too hard in the pool,” he says with a soft smile.

“What would you know about that,” you grumble, tone on the verge of impolite.

“You always used to get them when you were trying to shave your times. It was always kinda sad to watch.”

“Yeah, well…” You can’t think of anything to say. Clearly, he was observant, because you were good at hiding your ailments from the team. “What were you saying about swim breaks?”

He starts up again, telling you about where you could order your swimsuit and where you could get free snacks in the country club and that playing with the kids was the fastest way to get tipped. Your headache lessens as you continue to drink and let him chatter on in the background. After a while he exhausts all the knowledge he acquired after being on payroll for a week and your legs feel sturdy enough that you can walk back to the car. You stand, towel forgotten until it falls at your feet revealing your bathing suit clad figure. Fortunately, you wore one of your more conservative swimsuits since this was technically a job interview of sorts, but even in your one-piece you feel exposed in front of Hoseok. Nothing is subtle about the way his gaze follow the curves of your body or the way his mouth and eyelids drop slightly while staring. When he finally makes his way back up to your face, your fiery gaze and hot cheeks are enough for him to avert his eyes quickly.

“Guess you haven’t changed at all,” you mutter before pulling the towel back around you more securely and marching back to the car.

Jin has just served his last Goldilatte of the day when you coming bursting through the door. The bell alerting that a customer has arrived rattles shrilly and he curses himself for not just sending you a warning text, but he thought he had more time. He opens one eye cautiously to see you seething in front of him with dripping wet hair and a damp looking hoodie. There is still a little comfort for him, knowing that you’re not tall enough to climb over the cake display and throttle him.

“Did you or did you not know that Jung Hoseok was also taking the lifeguard position? Answer truthfully and I won’t cause an even bigger scene in the middle of your cafe.”

Knowing you, you probably wouldn’t actually cause a scene but he still checks behind your shoulder cautiously and sees that some patrons have taken off their ever-present headphones to eavesdrop on the conversation. With the poise of a businessman, he silently removes his apron and comes from behind the counter to guide you to his office for some privacy. You sit back in the chair facing him, pouting at him expectantly.

“I did know. My father mentioned it while we were having dinner last week.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me.”

“Honestly…I just forgot. The cafe is busy and it had been a week since he told me, so it was kind of just old news. I certainly wasn’t expecting to run into you. If you had let me know you were back in town sooner, I would have probably remembered to tell you.”

“So this is my fault now?”

“No, but I don’t think anyone is really at fault. How bad was it? Seeing him, I mean.”

Your mouth is open and you’re ready to complain about Hoseok just like the old days, but you can’t think of anything he’d actually done wrong while you were at the pool. In fact, he’d been welcoming...in his own way. He’d always been a close talker, even in high school, and if it weren’t him you wouldn’t be bothered. He’d even offered you water after noticing your headache.

“Do you remember the headaches I used to get,” you blurt out. Jin startles a bit at your outburst.

“What headaches?”

“I used to get really bad exertion headaches during practices.” Jin’s confused look has you brushing it off. “That was random, sorry.”

“Okay. Well, it sounds like he didn’t ask you out a million times, so maybe he grew up.” His hands spread in the air like the problem has dissipated into the atmosphere.

“B-but he still checked me out today when I dropped my towel. I had a bathing suit on and he looked like his eyes were going to fall out. What well-adjusted grown man acts like that?” You purposely leave the fact that you gave him a good look over as well. But that’s because what you did was different…

“Look,” he says, laying a sympathetic hand on yours, “He’s probably just going through all the feelings he had last when you were around. I’m sure he’ll get used to your presence and then realize the feelings are old and move on.”

The finality of the idea should be comforting to you, but something about the edges of it gnaws at you unpleasantly. You can’t figure out what it is about the idea that bothers you so much even as you drive your car back to your house, taking the scenic routes so you have time to ruminate and can stay out with the sun a bit longer. Breaking the news about your new cushy job at the country club pool gives your mind a break from the emotional puzzle because the relief that washes over your parents when you tell them your rate of pay makes you proud. But once you’ve had your fill of scrolling through social media and are tucked away in your bed, you can’t stop thinking about Jung Hoseok.

It would be less confusing if hindsight wasn’t 20/20. Looking back, you realize that maybe you made Hoseok out to be a bit more of a nuisance than he actually was. You’d gone to the same elementary school once upon a time. And you’d had quite a few play dates at each other’s houses when you were really young, but that changed when you turned 12. He moved away for middle school because his parents wanted him at a new place where he could dance. On the night before he’d moved away, you’d both cried in each other’s arms and when your father finally came to pick you up, you’d kissed his cheek and told him not to forget you. He’d squeezed you hard and said he wouldn’t. Two years later, you were starting high school and heard rumors that he had come back and was staying. You remembered your wish and hoped then that he hadn’t forgotten, but it seemed that he must have. He was a completely different person.

On the first day of each year, an assembly for all the students was held so that new students who didn’t come from the local middle school could come up and be seen and welcomed. 

He’d been up on the stage and he’d looked so different that you almost didn’t recognize him as he crossed in front of your spot on stage as one of the new student tour guides. As he passed you, he made eye contact with you, making hope bloom in your chest. After everyone was seated, each new student was asked to come up when their name was called and stand so the student body could see them. At the sound of Hoseok’s name, a deep and raucous applause coming from a few of the boys in the audience sounded. You could recognize the voices of some of the boys in the crowd, the rowdier ones that caused trouble for teachers but remained like idols in the eyes of many students. That they had taken Hoseok in surprised you. He didn’t seem like their type of recruit—he was too open and caring. The principle then asked the student tour guides to come up to the front of the stage and introduce themselves as well, and you suddenly worried you’d stutter or do something to make the kids in the audience act up again. Your clothing choice, your hairstyle, your gait all suddenly became potential areas for critique as you walked to the microphone, but it was too late then. You just had to make sure you gave a normal introduction.

“Hello. I am one of the student guides. If you have any questions and you see me, don’t be afraid to come up and ask.”

A false sense of security settled over you when you just got regular polite applause. It was a short introduction, and it was ordinary enough that no one could say anything. You gave a quick curtsy to the audience, as was encouraged of students when they were on stage, and a long low wolf-whistle sounded out. Blood rushed to your face and you turned quickly to find the source. Hoseok froze mid-whistle, not expecting you to turn around before he was through. At least he had the decency to look ashamed, but it didn’t do anything to assuage the rolling laughter that was coming from not only the rowdy boys in the back of the auditorium, but most of the students below. With flaming cheeks, you rushed back to your seat with the other guides. One nice girl assured you that your uniform skirt more than long enough to cover anything and that you didn’t actually flash anyone, but that wasn’t your concern. Instead, you were dealing with the fact that your last words to Hoseok as a friend hadn’t meant anything.

After the speech, he tried to find you. But he couldn’t. You were lost in the sea of students leaving the assembly and his new friends were too excited about how well the joke went to let him go. He endured a few playful headlocks and punches until he made up a solid excuse about not wanting to stick around for the principal to find him. They all dispersed after that, but he never got the chance to tell you it was just a joke, that it was just what he needed to do to get into their clique. He never got the chance to apologize, to tell you that he still remembered what you told him. He was certain that if he could just get a moment alone with you, he would be able to right his wrong, but you were determined to never give him the time of day again.

Because you hadn’t given your name in your introduction speech, no one really knew it was you on the first day of school who seemingly flashed the new students, but you still couldn’t shake off the other conflicting feelings. It seemed that from that moment on, the universe was determined to put you near Hoseok so you could never get peace of mind. He was in so many of your classes, always trying to be desk partners, study buddies, lab mates and you’d thwarted all the offers that you could. When you couldn’t avoid him, you tried your best not to chat to him. You would hiss at him if he attempted conversations, about movies you liked or music you listened to, or asked you if you still liked things he remembered from when you were both young. Every time you would shut him down, but he seemed fueled by that. He followed you everywhere. He even followed you to swimming.

Two weeks later, on the day of tryouts, you saw Hoseok sitting on the bleachers next to your recruiter and went back into the changing rooms immediately to put on a t-shirt, knowing it might slow your times and keep you from getting on the team. But it was worth the protection from him wolf-whistling or any other form of public humiliation he had for you. The shirt worked for a few laps since you were pushing yourself to go harder than usual to make up for the drag in the water, but the coach pulled you aside and told you that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that the shirt was slowing your times and there were no shirts allowed at races. Averting your eyes from the rest of the students watching the drama unfold, you pulled off your shirt and swam your heart out for the rest of the day, putting all your anger and embarrassment into the laps until you were gasping. You’d made it onto the team, but it almost didn’t feel worth it when you saw that he would also be on the team with you.

Your phone chimes, alerting you that you should go to sleep soon if you want 7 hours before getting up with the chickens the next morning for your first day of work. Sighing, you turn over in your sheets, suddenly too hot. When you wake up in the morning, you realize you dreamt of something, but the only thing you can remember is the very end. You recall being 13 and running from something in your high school hallways and into a pair of warm brown arms. The clock on your phone tells you that you have 6 more minutes of sleep, but you resist the tease of a micro nap and hop in the shower instead. It’s not until you’re back out and clean that you realize your work uniform isn’t coming until the next day and your only one-piece is still wet because you forgot to switch the laundry loads. Groaning, you hunt for your most demure suit and find some high waisted bottoms and a sportier cut top from your dresser and hope for the best.

The sun is out and high when you arrive at the little pool. You’re already sweating in the hoodie you threw over yourself as last minute effort to cover up. On the other side of the lattice gate separating the two pools, Hoseok sees you walking in. He gives you a big wave and runs back inside to come greet you, bangs bouncing when he runs over. He’s amazingly chipper for someone at 7 in the morning but tones it down a bit when he sees that you look like you had a rough night.

“Ready to lay out the ropes?” His eyes are big and bright, and most importantly, on your face.

“Sure.”

You follow him through the lounge, taking in the stacks of boxes of pools supplies and the senior lifeguards drinking coffee or dozing off since the larger pool doesn’t open until a little later. Stella gives you a thumbs up from her little glass cubicle where she’s on the phone. Hoseok jumps into the water, already in his typical red board shorts with the club logo embroidered onto them, and swims with the dividing rope across the width of the pool.

“You should come in. The water feels great and it’ll be the only time today its not filled filled with people’s pee.”

Trying to remember Jin’s theory, you push down the instinctual suspicion towards him wanting you to get in the pool with him. To aid some of your nerves you turn around before stripping out of your hoodie and jump quickly into the water before swimming a casual distance over to him. Not too close but not too far.

“So, what made you—”

“About yesterday—”

The corner of your mouth tugs up in spite of yourself when you both start talking at the same time. You gesture for him to go first and he looks at you a bit nervously before continuing.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine,” you assure him, focusing on the silly way his hair lays flat against his head to diffuse the tension. “It’s only natural to look at stuff for a second when it just…appears.”

“No, no. I mean, there’s no real excuse for it. I guess I still—”

“I get it, it was a knee jerk reaction to something you’re used to doing. It’s cool. It’s been years. The slate is clear. Let’s just forget about it and make this not awkward.”

“But it wasn’t just—”

His cryptic speech sends you into a panic and you do the first thing that comes to mind, which is curl into fetal position so you can dunk yourself underwater. You drop a few feet to the bottom of the pool, knowing that he can still completely see you and reach you. A hand curls around your arm, surprising a few bubbles out of you, and pulls with an impressive amount of strength. At the surface you gasp out of indignation and wipe your eyes.

“Shit! Sorry, that was a lot but I really would like to explain—“

“I swear to god, Jung, if you don’t—“

“I didn’t forget about you,” he says suddenly with a small voice. The water around you appears to have nearly frozen in response to the tension in the air. Not even the smallest ripple dares tip the tenuous balance of the moment.

Your breath hitches and you wonder if maybe you both stayed up thinking about the same thing last night. But that couldn’t be it. That would be too much of a coincidence.

Hesitation has his arm trembling as he reaches out towards your stiff form. Maybe you won’t run away this time and he can get everything out. But the movement of his arm breaks your stupor and sends you stumbling back a foot in the water. The palms of his hands come up as a sign that he’s not trying to hurt you.

“Do you remember before I left for middle school? What you said to me that night? Because I do. And I didn’t break my promise, I didn’t forget you.”

“You sure about that?”

“What? Of course I didn’t. Don’t you remember all the times I tried to talk to you and start where we left off?”

“You may not have forgotten about me,” you practically spit the words at him, “But you broke your promise to me the minute you pulled that shit at the student assembly.” He winces and you feel emboldened. “And let’s not forget that stunt you pulled in the cafeteria in the front of literally everyone.”

Hoseok enters the lunchroom with his friends and automatically scans the room for you.

“You looking for your girlfriend, Jung?”

“No need. I already know where you mom lives,” he says lightly, still searching for your a glimpse backpack or the blue tracksuit you wore that day for the race you had later.

He finds you in the lunchline, debating between milk and water while the student in front of you haggles for an extra serving. Running over, he uses the intimidation factor of him and his two larger friends’ presence to cut in front of the student behind you.

“You should pick the chocolate milk. It’s your favorite.”

He can practically see hairs on your neck stand up when you hear his voice and he’s certain that if you had claws they would be out and poking holes through the little cardboard container in your hand. You put the carton back down in its ice bucket and take a water.

“Coach said dairy will slow us down,” your answer is curt as you move forward in the line. The lunch lady loads up your tray how you ask and you run to the cash register to pay before he can even pick up the milk.

Steeling himself with determination, he follows behind, trying to make sure he doesn’t lose sight of you. When he gets to the register, all he sees is your ID card where you left it in your hurry. Quickly he retrieves it and looks over the cafeteria, watching your head bob away. He finds you soon after, seated at the end of the swimming table next to Jin. His two friends follow behind more slowly, one carrying his tray.

“You ready for the race, squirt?” Jin puts chicken strip on your plate as he usually does, worried about your protein intake.

“I think so. If I get to the gym early to stretch it should be fine,” you mutter thoughtfully around your fork.

“I’ll go with you and we can do some circuits together.” You look to your left to see Hoseok smiling brightly, his braces glinting in the fluorescent lighting.

“This table is full. You’ll have to sit with your mob boss at his table,” you snark. Jin is about to intervene and give you both the talk about team inclusivity when Hosoek playfully brandishes your ID inches away from your face.

“Come sit with us and you can have this back.” At sight of the plastic card, you pat the pockets of your suit frantically before coming up short. You stand up. You’re sick of Jung Hoseok always bugging you.

“Give it back,” you say lowly so only he can hear.

You’re already making a scene by standing in the middle of the cafeteria, but people don’t notice just yet because the lunch period has just started and plenty of others are still getting settled.

“Come sit with me, and I will.”

“I don’t want to sit with you. Just give me the card.”

“Not until you sit with me.”

The way your heartbeat picks up probably isn’t healthy, but you’re so frustrated that you’re ready to burst. You try playing his own game, seeing if embarrassing him will get him to comply.

“Why are you always following me around, huh?” Your voice cuts through most of the chatter and people quiet down to turn ans watch the two of you. “Do you have a crush on me or something?”

A hush of low murmurs runs through the room and you can hear people giggling to themselves. Even though it was supposed to target him, you face still feels hot.

“Yeah, I do.”

The crowd erupts at his boldness. The same boys from the day of the assembly cheer him on. You stand there, shocked and humiliated. Being inexperienced when it came to crushes meant that you were completely unaware that all of Hoseok’s constant bothering might have been him trying to get you on his arm. Angry tears rapidly fill your waterline and you have to work hard to keep a straight face so you don’t completely break down in front of the student body. You keep your face turned towards him so as not to let anyone else know that you’re crying. Hoseok’s expression goes from proud of finally confessing to you to horrified at seeing you cry. The smile he had slips off immediately and is replaced with terror and he can only look up at Jin helplessly as he comes up behind you. The upperclassman holds out his hand, in which Hoseok places your ID. Jin silently takes your tray from you and lets you bury your face in his matching tracksuit top to hide from the gossiping onlookers.

“It’s okay,” Jin says softly. Hoseok only hears a pathetic high noise leave you before you’re back at your table, clutching at Jin with your shoulders heaving from embarrassment.

His friends tug on his sleeve until they get him to stumble blindly over to their table.

“Didn’t know you had it in you, Jung.” One of the boys says, eying your table with a mean smile.

“How come you have two milks,” another asks before quickly stealing the brown carton marked ‘chocolate’ off his tray.

Thanks to a great deal of suppression, you hadn’t thought of that fateful day in the cafeteria for years. But it’s crystal clear in your memory now. Your hands are balled up under the water’s surface and they’re shaking with unresolved rage and pity for your 14 year-old self.

“I can explain that too.” He runs a hand through his hair, wetting it again and turning it a deep russet.

“Of course you can. Nothing is ever your fault.”

You swim away from him before stalking to the lounge. The sound of a second set of splashes lets you know that he’s following after you, but you don’t care. Stella has finished with her phone call by the time you make your way to her cubicle. You knock harshly on the glass door and several other life guards can sense something is wrong as they watch Hoseok come dripping over.

“What is it, kid?” Stella looks quickly between your thunderous expression and Hoseok’s defeated one.

“Something’s come up. I have to go. I just wanted to let you know so someone could cover my shift. Maybe I can come back some other time and cover a shift at the big pool.” You turn on your heel and leave, not even bothering to rinse off in the showers or pat yourself dry with a towel.

Stella and Hoseok watch you storm off. When the sound of your car’s engine starts, she turns to him.

“Explain yourself. Now.”

Usually, you would have your phone connected to the car’s speaker system with an aux cord to listen to some music while driving and enjoying the scenic small town roads. But bumping heads with Hoseok like old times calls for silence instead.

Rumbling in your stomach reminds you that you skipped breakfast to get to work on time—a bad habit that college had instilled in you. You decide to head to the grocery store and pick something fast up for lunch before heading home and taking an anger nap. Sleep probably won’t solve your problems, but your sure that about 8% of your irritation is from having gotten up so early after such a shitty night’s sleep.

Halfway to the grocery store you see your mother walking on the sidewalk, carrying recyclable shopping bags. You honk and pull over so she can ride with you.

“Well, isn’t this a nice surprise.”

“Hi, mom."

The smile you give her is small, but genuine as her cheery mood lightens yours a bit. Being your mother, though, she can still tell something’s wrong as you drive through the narrow roads slower than normal. While playing hooky, no less.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re not at the country club for your first day of work or would you rather I talk to you about the weather?” You sigh, but decide that it’s better to rant instead of keeping everything bottled up.

“It’s nothing too big, really. There’s just a classmate at work that I—”

“Oh, yes! Little Jung Hoseok, right? Poor thing. I just saw his mother this morning while I was mowing the lawn and she stopped for a chat. She told me all about his-,” she stops to search for the right word, “his rough patch when he was younger.”

You chuckle dryly. “She told you about that?”

“Yes! She told me all about the hard time he had when he moved away. I can’t believe they bullied him out of the dance academy. All because they were jealous he was a presidential scholar invited from outside the district. Poor baby. Frankly, I can’t believe you knew and didn’t say anything all this time.”

The light changes from yellow to red faster than you’re ready for and you hit the brakes a little too hard as you process what your mother told you.

“I, uh, thought you were talking about something else. I didn’t know about that part.” You try to sound as casual as possible, knowing that with the right prompting tone, your mother will let out all the secrets like a floodgate. “What else did Mrs. Jung say?”

“She said that was the reason he came back to the neighborhood high school. Apparently, he would cry himself to sleep. Said he knew he couldn’t do the rest of the program at the high school, but they begged him to stay for middle school. And he did, but as soon as it was over he transferred back here.”

You pull into the parking lot slowly so you don’t have to devote too much attention to parking correctly and can listen to all the details.

“But it sounds like things didn’t get better right then. He fell in with some of those wild kids. I think one of them was that Kim Taehyung’s older brother. Gorgeous boy, ugh. What ever happened with him. Did he go to college?”

“Mom, wait. What about Hoseok?” You drag her by the arm into the lobby of the store, carrying the basket on your other arm.

“That’s right. Hoseok. What was I saying?” She turns to look at you after she throws some lettuce in the basket.

“You were saying he got involved with the wrong crowd?”

“Right, right. Well she said that when he came back during the summer he started hanging around with them. At first it didn’t seem so bad because she and his father were just glad he finally had friends and he didn’t seem to be misbehaving much. Just following them around because he was invited. You know, stuff like that.”

She hands you the grocery list while gesticulating with the flow of the story and you scramble to grab the items from the aisle you’re in while she wanders off. You have to chase her without spilling the contents of the basket.

“But once school started, she said he started acting out. He would get pulled out of class with those kids for being disruptive, and she said one particular student was always asking the teacher to separate them because he wouldn’t leave her alone.” You blush, realizing she’s describing you. “If it weren’t for the fact that most of the teachers knew what he was really like from elementary school, I’m sure they would have locked him in detention for the whole four years.”

You feel sad for Hoseok, but there’s also a pang of guilt forming in your gut. “Did she say why they didn’t? Punish him, I mean.”

“I think she said something about when they asked him why he kept bothering that student, he said he was just trying to get them to remember him. They felt bad because he was trying to get his friend back. So they just gave him warnings.”

“Well,” you say, trying to keep your voice sounding light and uninvolved as you play devil’s advocate, “Even if his intentions were good, shouldn’t the teacher’s have taken stricter action? Since he was making that girl uncomfortable and all?”

You mother stops her stroll through the frozen food aisle to turn back at you and fix you with an unreadable look.

“Normally, I would right there with you on that. But I remember little Hoseok when you all used to play on the rug in the living room. He would come in from outside and put the flowers he picked in your hair and tell you that you looked like the fairies in his books at home. Bullying can sure harden someone, but I don’t know if it can completely change who they are. At least, it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened here. Seeing as, once he came back, he made a beeline straight for his favorite person. Every chance he got.”

She plucks the list out of your grasp and steps forward to stand in front of you. When she lays a hand on your cheek, you can’t meet her gaze. Instead you look down at the way her loafers point directly towards your sneakers.

“How is Hoseok, by the way?” She turns her back to you and looks for the frozen bags of fruit that you always use in your smoothies.

“He seems a lot better,” you answer back honestly.

After arriving back at your house and helping your mom, your hands itch and you find yourself feeling restless. Talking things out with your mom would probably help, but you don’t want to feel small and fourteen again while you do it. Jin’s work schedule is still a mystery to you, but you guess that he’s the type of boss to come in most days, if not everyday, and drive over there to see if he has time for you.

Jin takes in the way your shoulders hunch as you walk into the door and immediately starts up on a warm drink he knows will cheer you up. It involves too much milk, cocoa powder, a disgusting amount of whipped cream and chocolate shavings. He has to pull back his coffee snob persona while he makes it. But the way you immediately run a finger through the mountain of cream, eating half of it in one breath, tells him that you’re not broken beyond repair.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you think that…maybe I was, I don’t know, too hard on Hoseok when we were in school?”

“Absolutely,” he says with zero hesitation. When your eyes widen with uncovered guilt and your mouth drops open, he’s quick to amend his statement. “I mean, you have every right to be mad about the times he put you on the spot. But I think there’s things you don’t know that would have made it so you both could have been friends in the end.”

“Are you talking about the bullying thing at his middle school?”

“What the—he told you?”

“No,” you whine and drop your head onto the table, covering your head with your arms. “I found out an hour ago. From my mom, of all people.”

“Wow. Moms really do know everything.”

“I know. It’s annoying.” Jin lets you sulk for a moment before steering the conversation back in the direction it needs to go.

“So I guess you know about how he kind of fell in with the wrong crew after coming back as a protective strategy, right?”

“Yeah, I mean…I wasn’t sure? But it seemed like that’s what that was because those kids really didn’t seem like his type of friends. I could tell even back then.” You play with the little cardboard sleeve around the still warm cup. Made from 100% biodegradable materials, it reads.

“Without giving too much away—because this isn’t really my secret to tell—let’s just say that they knew he wasn’t like them, but they were intrigued enough and wanted to test his loyalty. So to speak.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows, gears turning. “What, like frat hazing or something?”

“Bingo,” Jin shoots finger guns at you. “That’s all I’m gonna give you, though. I’ve already said too much.” He reaches forward and takes a sip of your drink before immediately spitting it back into the cup. “It’s a wonder you still have functioning tastebuds. God, that’s disgusting. I can’t believe I created a monster.”

“That was my drink, asshole.”

“Hey, at least you didn’t pay good money for it.” He smirks and you roll your eyes before putting your phone and keys back in your pocket. “You’re really leaving because of the drink?”

“No, you narcissist. I’m going back to work.”

“Oh. Gonna go have a Nicholas Sparks moment in the middle of the kiddie pool?”

Confusion pinches at your features. “Who’s Nicholas Sparks?”

“No one,” he says quickly. “It’s just, uh, an old saying. Go to work.” He pushes you out of the door quickly before you can ask why he has his lying voice on.

The drive back to the pool feels completely different from the one you took this morning. You don’t feel happier, necessarily, but you feel less weighed down by some invisible and perplexing force. For the first time in 48 hours you feel like you can name your feelings a little more clearly. Like you made a mistake, but you also feel like you can fix it.

You make it to the lounge before Stella ambushes you with a firm grip around your arm dragging you away from the entrance to the kiddie pool.

“I see that you’re back and I’m not going to question you for leaving, because I’m pretty sure I know why now. You go out there and try and do your job, and I’ll understand if it’s tough for you. But if you pull something like leaving work because it’s hard being star-crossed lovers again, I will give your job to the next person who knows what a pool looks like. Are we clear?”

“Yes,” you breathe, not even bothering to correct her assumption that you and Hoseok are star-crossed lovers even though it’s not 100% true. The first step you take is a hesitant one, but when Stella doesn’t say anything, you head out to the pool.

Hoseok and some other lifeguard are seated in regular pool chairs because the pool is small enough and shallow enough that they can survey the layout and the tiny swimmers without the added height of the usual chairs. Normally, Hoseok would be chatting away with his shift partner while watching the children swim, but he’s silent as he watches with a hand squishing his cheek, deep in thought. His shift partner looks so bored out of their mind that when you tap their shoulder, they don’t even bother looking to see who is replacing them before running to the lounge. He turns when you’ve settled and his eyes grow impressively round.

“You came back?”

You look out to watch a mother sitting at the edge of the pool dunk her baby’s feet in the water. “I needed to talk to you. Or I guess listen and then talk.”

“So...you’ll let me explain?” Incredulity making his words come out slowly.

“Yes. But you should know that, uh, your mom told my mom some stuff. And my mom told me. And then Jin from the swim team told me some stuff.”

“How much do you know?”

“Just the vague things. I heard you had a hard time at the dance academy and that kind of sparked everything.”

“I should still probably start from the beginning, though.” You nod.

“I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to continue dance, but I didn’t want to leave all the people I met behind just because the school was willing to pay for my tuition. My mom thought it would be big and they convinced me that I could still have friends, while practicing, so I said okay.

But it turned out to be a boarding school thing, so I never got to see anyone from home and when I got there, the instructors treated me special. None of the students there liked that. If I’m being honest, they kicked the shit out of me a few times. And when they weren’t doing that they were putting nails in my dance shoes or locking me in supply closets and the teachers just wanted me to ‘use the pain to power my dancing’. My parents only found out because I started dropping weight really fast and wasn’t sleeping enough to be able to make it through the daily practices without fainting. Of course they were mad, but they also thought it was something that would eventually go away when the other kids grew up a little. They thought that it would stop when the high school program begun, but no 12 year-old getting bullied is that patient. I made them a promise that I would wait until the middle school program ended and then I would decide. But it just got worse as time passed.”

“Hoseok,” your voice breaks and you realize tears have been threatening to roll down your cheeks without even realizing, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I couldn’t have been that brave when I was 12.”

“Yeah, well, it was all thanks to you. I kept thinking that if I kept dancing, maybe I could get famous and come see you and make you proud. But obviously I didn’t make it that far.”

He gives you a bitter smile that’s so hollow and empty, you almost don’t recognize him. It’s then that you realize every smile he’d given you before this one was genuine. Even the ones he gave you when you when he was bothering you in school.

“W-what happened after the program ended?” It takes a great deal of effort to drag your eyes off his face and go back to looking after the swimmers, but you have no choice. Remembering that you’re at work, you wipe your arm across your eyes quickly so you can see clearly.

“I’d changed, I guess. I think if I stayed any longer I would be a completely different person. I got really dark and kind of mean. Sometimes I would surprise myself with the thoughts I would have, even at that age. Even when it was towards people who had done me wrong.”

“Is that why you started hanging out with those guys?”

He sighs, not proud of himself at the moment. “Yeah. I knew that high school would be just as hard for me if I came back with open wounds, so to speak. But I couldn’t stay and just keep rotting away. So I made myself a compromise. I would do what it took to get protection so I could eventually get better and not need it anymore. I figured...what better way to do that than to basically get myself a security team? I knew no one would mess with me if I could just find a way into that group.”

“I was wondering about that, to be honest. It didn’t make sense that did a kid like you would fall in with kids like them. Like even after all you went through, you still weren’t a bully like them.”

“Well, they told me that I would have to prove to them that I had the balls to be in the group. They said it had to be big. The first thing that came to mind was causing a disruption of some sort.  At an important place.”

“A place like the center stage of the annual new student assembly,” you whisper as the pieces of the puzzle connect. Anger automatically rises at the memory of the day, but you clamp down on it with a few careful breaths. He senses your automatic reaction and winces.

“I hope you know I’m not telling you all of this so you feel guilty, like you have to forgive me. If it makes you feel any better. I’ve never stopped hating myself for that day.”

You smile darkly. “That doesn’t really make me feel better. But tell me about it anyway.”

“When they realized I would be on stage that year, they wanted me to flip a girl’s uniform skirt while I was up there to prove that I could be one of them. I hated the idea. I couldn’t even fathom doing it but I said yes at the start because they wouldn’t budge on the idea.”

“That...makes sense. Why me, though?”

“It wasn’t logical. I didn’t think you would be up on stage, and when I saw you looking at me, I thought maybe it was worth a shot using you instead of some random girl. Somehow it seemed better to do it to someone I knew than with a stranger.”

“You’re right. Doesn’t sound logical at all,” your tone holds almost palpable annoyance. “But I can see why that would make sense when you’re stressed and 14. I guess.”

“But that’s also why I couldn’t go through with the whole skirt flipping thing once I realized it had to be you. I couldn’t do that either. I still remember how in fourth grade you would cried every time the teacher called on you and you didn’t have the answer. You hate being the center of attention.”

You hum, neither in agreement nor in disagreement. You’re not quite ready to speak as you consider the situation from his point of view.

“It was a huge risk. Both not pulling the whole prank and pulling the prank, but it was just enough that they let it slide and let me in. I figured that maybe I could explain it away to you right after, but I couldn’t find you.”

“That’s because I was in the bathroom. Crying my eyes out.”

“God. I’m so sorry. You have to at least know that.”

“No, I know you are.”

“I thought about laying low for a while and giving you some time to cool off, but then we had so many classes together. And I was still planning on giving you some space then, but I—” he trails off.

“Then you what?”

“Then I saw you up close for the first time in two years and I just couldn’t stay away,” he says quietly.

“Oh, come on. Aren’t you laying it on a little thick?” You roll your eyes and sneer, ignoring the way your heartbeat picked up at the tortured rasp in his words.

“I mean it!” He turns in his seat to you but you nod your head at the pool and then he’s turning back sheepishly. “The only reason I got through middle school was because I thought about seeing my best friend every day. It had been two years and I was so curious about you and how you’d changed. And I remember thinking how pretty you were. I felt like I was going crazy.”

“You should have just left me alone. I’m sure I would have gotten over it after a few days if you gave me some space and we could have talked civilly. Could have avoided all of…this,” you gesture with your hands to the tense air between you.

“I realized that a little too late, I think. When you didn’t want to talk to me—which was completely understandable and I deserved it—I was worried you hated me. So I thought that if I just acted like we were 12 again and everything was normal, maybe it would go back to being normal. I guess even though I hadn’t changed too much I did get really selfish.”

Part of you agrees that it was kind of selfish for Hoseok not to give you the space you needed. But another part of you thinks back to all the times he ‘bothered’ you and you have to ask yourself if you really minded it.

“Hoseok, I,” you lower your head so you don’t have to face his piercing gaze, “owe you an apology as well.”

“For what?”

“For snapping at you. Not the first few times,” you amend. “Not when the embarrassment was still fresh. But after those first few days passed and I was still angry. I wasn’t angry about the assembly then. I was angry because I wanted you to tell me sorry and why you would pull such a stupid prank on me. I think it was the waiting that made me resent you. Granted, I was waiting for an explanation you decided you didn’t want to give me in the end. An explanation that you owed me.”  

“I get that,” he says quietly. “Look, I was stupid not to realize you didn’t want to talk around it.”

“It’s not all your fault. If I had just told you that I wanted to talk it, things probably wouldn’t have gotten bad like they did. I shouldn’t have shut you out.”

Your throat feels tight at the end of your confession as you think of all the times you must have unknowingly broken his young heart. Every time you’d denied him when he tried to carry your books. Or walk with you to your locker, to swim practice, to wait for your dad to pick you up at the end of the day. He still attempted all those things, but he did it with you turning to snap at him for doing them every step of the way. How he managed to smile brightly every morning is still a mystery to you. The good thing is that now your chest feels more open and light than it has in years. It feels good to finally understand everything and not hide your frustration. He must sense the new lightness because when he laughs this time its full of mirth, no bitterness weighing it down. You’re secretly grateful his laugh is still the low hiccuping sound it was when you were children.

“Hell, if you’d told me that you wanted the moon, I would have given it to you. If it would bring you—my friend back to me.”

Clearly, all the issues hadn’t been addressed just yet. There was still the fact that he developed a crush on you despite all your snapping during those four years. You feel awkward again, but now its because you don’t know how to address his old feelings for you. It would be a shame to let that fester between you as well, so you go straight for the jugular.

“What about the day—”

“In the cafeteria?” You nod.

He’s about to hunker down and explain when a two year old whose mother signed them in about an hour ago waddles up to your chairs wordlessly. You move to get up and try and guess which person to call from the sign in sheet but Hoseok simply scoops the child up and plops them in his lap before bouncing a foot so the child bounces with it. The kid laughs and claps, sprinkling some of the pool water dripping off them onto your arm. Despite the heavy conversation, the high, bubbly sound has both of you smiling on command. He removes his sunglasses and gives them to the child to play with.

“I was telling the truth. I knew you were trying to call my bluff, but I was being honest because it had been eating at me. Plus, I was mad, you know?”

“Why?”

“Because I knew you hated me. But I just—I couldn’t find it in myself to leave you alone at that point. And I knew. I knew you weren’t mad anymore about the assembly. I mean it had been years and I knew you didn’t care about it at that point.”

“Were you mad because I didn’t like you back?”

“No…I really don’t think so. I think I was just mad because you were becoming more and more amazing every day and I just sat there and watched. I couldn’t—couldn’t grow with you. You were pretty and athletic and studious and nice… when you wanted to be.”

You chuckle and let yourself look at him for a brief moment. He’s smiling at the child who has now decided to stand in his lap. Hoseok’s orange hair baffles the baby and a chubby hand goes to grab at the strands out of curiosity. He looks handsome, you can’t deny it.

In another timeline, in some alternate universe, maybe he could be your best friend and boyfriend today. Maybe seeing him interact with the little kids would have you blushing and thinking about a not too distant future together. Maybe you would be trying to earn money to save up for an apartment together in the city. Maybe this would be a regular day for the two of you and after work he would take you out to dinner and you’d buy him ice cream afterwards and then maybe after that you would…If it weren’t for everything that happened maybe you would…you would.

“What’s wrong?” Concern mars his delicate features before he looks over the child to see if the problem lies with them.

“Nothing! I was just thinking. I’m kind of ready for all this to be old news.”

His smile is slow and warm, but subdued. “You’re not just saying that because my stupid crush made you feel awkward right? It’s okay if it did. I don’t expect anything from you. I know you don’t like me like that.”

A protest rises in your throat, but you clamp it down before it can leave you. You’re not sure what you’re protesting.

“No. I just want to start over again,” you say after a beat.

You go home that day with a $40 dollar tip that technically wasn’t even intended for you.

Almost as soon as you both called for a truce in your near decade war, the child in Hoseok’s arms quickly started crying after realizing their mother was nowhere to be found. You deftly swept them into your arms and rocked them around the pool for the rest of your 90 minute shift, letting them whine quietly into your neck until they dozed off. While Hoseok herded the rest of the children and a few mothers out of the kiddie area, you managed to get the child to tell your their full name so you could narrow down the list of parents to call. Eventually you found the right person and handed the child back to Hoseok so he could distract them further by drawing shapes on his belly with sunscreen. The child’s mother came soon after you hung up and pulled out her wallet as soon as she saw Hoseok playing with her child. He thanked her for the tip and, once she left, went and curled the bills into the palm of your hand, saying “That was all you”.

The day closes off quietly. You pack up your things and go to clock out in the lounge, only to find no one else looks like they’re leaving despite the fact that both pools had closed 20 minutes prior. When you ask what everyone else’s plans are, Stella informs you that the staff often go to visit the people working in the kitchen to get a free meal in exchange for keeping the pool open for an hour after all the club members left. It was a nice little arrangement that took place every day during the summer.

“You’ll come, right? It’s free food directly from the chef and his team,” Stella says as she locks her cubicle office.

“I don’t know. Aren’t they sick of cooking after doing it all day?”

She huffs, “They cook after the last customer leaves anyway so they can eat too. It’s not that much trouble to cook for us. Especially when they get to take a swim after being on their feet all day.”

Hoseok steps behind you as people begin to file out of the lounge and head to the club restaurant. “You’re not avoiding me, are you? I thought we were friends again,” he teases good-naturedly.

“Of course not! I meant what I said, I just…” He looks down at you thoughtfully when you trail off. “My parents are probably waiting up for me, you know. They wanna know how my first day went and all that.” You say your goodbyes to everyone before heading back to the car knowing that your parents will be out late seeing a movie.

The next morning, you get there before Hoseok, but you have a key to open the gate. So you get ahead on getting the ropes set out on both pools. To kill the time still left before the kiddie pool opens, you try to remember the combination to your employee locker so you can try on the company suit you ordered. It fits well, and the red will go nicely with your skin as the summer progresses and your tan deepens. You do a little spin for the lifeguards laying around the lounge and they humor you and clap sleepily. Stella gives you a thumbs up, busy on the phone in her cubicle as she always is.

Boredom compels you to go and sit in your seat early. With the extra time still left you put on sunscreen. Very carefully. You put on a visor, then decide you don’t want to deal with it if it gets wet by chance. Then you put it back on again because why not. You’re starting to worry that you’ll have to do the shift on your own when Hoseok stumbles in with a few parents coming to sign their kids in to the pool.

“Sorry,” he throws himself into his seat.

An apologetic frown twists his mouth, but the plushness of his pout goes unnoticed because you’re focused on the smear of white near the hinge of his jaw. You reach out on instinct to wipe it off, but stop midway and gesture to it instead, reeling your hand back in slowly. He wipes at it roughly.

“Why were you late?”

“Got in a fight with my mom last night. She took the car keys from me so I had to take the bus here. Were you waiting out here long?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

He grimaces guiltily and looks up at the sky directly because there’s no nice, big beach umbrella to shield your heads from the heat like there is for the guards at the adult pool.

“Geez. That must have sucked in this heat.”

“Not really. The sun’s not at its strongest yet. Maybe in a few hours I’ll get mad at you,” you joke.

“Promise?”

“Nah. You thought I was mean in high school? You better hope you don’t want to see me mad now. Completely different animal.”

“I don’t know,” he drawls, a fox-like grin coming out. “I think, if anything, I might have developed a taste for it.”

“Eyes on the pool, horndog .” The banter elicits a small smile from you. It’s only small because you’re working to contain it. You can’t believe how easy it is to be around him when you’re not at each other’s throats.

The day passes by quickly in companionable silence until around noon, when the heat gets almost unbearable. Hoseok suggests then that you move to sit in the actual pool and watch from there. If it’s really just an excuse to watch your red-clad figure move in its entirety for a brief second, you can’t tell. The next string of shifts is spent with both of you seated in adjacent corners to let the water lap at you and calm your heated skin. Occasionally a child will make their way over to one of you and you’ll play with them for a bit until they get bored or their parents return. The sight of the babies climbing Hoseok to grab little fistfuls of wet, orange hair is heart warming. And the way he scoops them up to blow raspberries against their round cheeks makes something clench in your gut a little, too intense to be the fluttering wings of nervous butterflies. As a distraction you let one curious child attempt to chew on the whistle around your neck. Not like you’ll be using it anyway.

“You gonna duck out again and skip dinner today, too?”

His question comes out of nowhere and startles you from watching a young girl of around 4 years old try to doggie paddle on her back.

“I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t know anyone enough to be very good company while I’m there.”

“You don’t have to be a hostess, you can just sit there and eat.”

“But then it looks like I just came there for the food. I don’t want to seem antisocial.”

“You kind of are, though.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need the others to know.”

“You could just talk to me, you know. I mean…it would make you look like you’re there for the social activities in addition to the food. And it would make sense if you talked mainly with me since we’re shift partners and have a, uh, history.”

“I guess when you put it like that I don’t have much of a choice.” You’re not quite sulking, but the little waves you’re making with your hands under the water nearly knock a toddler over.

“No, you don’t. Guess you’re stuck with me.”

“Guess so.”

Once the sun sets, you get out of the pool first, worried that you’ll have permanently pruny fingers and toes if you sit there any longer. You don’t bother toweling off and instead get to work on stuffing the tips you made in the pocket of your hoodie. Hoseok locks the pool from the inside and jogs to catch up with you as you make your way to the gathering of lifeguards and Stella.

The interior of the country club dining room is incredibly lavish and it feels like a crime to walk on the shining wood of the polished floors with some drugstore flip flops you bought and used as shower shoes for the last four years. There’s even a table that’s been freshly cleaned and set that the kitchen staff has laid out for you. A lanky boy who apparently goes by the name of Namjoon comes around to take everyone’s orders and you stiffen when you realize you don’t know the menu.

“What are you getting,” you hiss nearly into Hoseok’s armpit as you try to remain calm. Namjoon is leisurely taking people’s orders and chatting people up, but you want to be ready when he gets to your end of the table.

“I’m getting the pork cutlets,” he whispers back, to which you hum thoughtfully. Meat seemed like a basic dish to get at such a fine establishment. He seemed to sense your hesitation. “You might like their shrimp tacos. Still like seafood, right?”

“Y-yeah, I do.” He smiles to himself, proud that he still remembers all these little things about you. “I don’t know which to get. Shit.”

He chuckles at your frantic tone. “There’s no need to panic. I’lll let you have some of mine if you feel like you’re missing out.”

“Thanks,” you let out a sigh, head slumping to the side and nudging his arm lightly in the process.

You tell yourself that if it weren’t for the way the sun zapped your energy you would be sitting up properly. And you do once Namjoon comes around to your end of the table. You stutter out that you’d like the shrimp tacos and when he responds that there’s only trout left, you panic and say that’s fine instead of getting something you know will be good. Like pork cutlets.

“Calm down, I can feel you overthinking things from there,” he whispers after Namjoon returns to the kitchen with the table’s orders.

“Screw you. I’m not overthinking.” You burrow further into your artfully upholstered chair and look away from him.

He fixes you with a stare that tells you he doesn’t believe that lie for a second. “Whatever. Have a drink and stop stressing.”

You’re grateful as the person on your right offers to fill your cup with wine. It’s red wine, but you can’t complain because its’ free and you’re not really drinking much anyway seeing as you’re still in possession of your dad’s car as a means of getting home. However, due to unforeseen circumstances—that is due to the fact that you actually don’t like trout—you follow the half taco you eat with more wine to fill your stomach. Hoseok raises an eyebrow at your wine consumption, but doesn’t say anything as he carves out a healthy portion of one of his cutlets and plops it onto your plate. He follows it with generous spoonfuls of the rice and vegetables that came along with his dish to make sure your stomach is lined with a barrier if you drink more. And much to both his and your chagrin, you do drink more wine.

Once everyone has finished eating, you pour out of your seat to follow the kitchen staff and lifeguards out to the pool once more. Before you came in, there was still light in the sky that came from the last strong rays of setting sun, bathing everything in pink and orange. Now, the sun has set and everything is bathed in blue; even the lights lining the inside of the larger pool that are usually reserved for night events thrown by the country club glow a soft, pale blue.

 Although you’re tipsy, you’re still somewhat practical, so you opt to sit by a well-lit corner and dip your feet in the water. It’s too cold and you’re too out of it to be able to swim safely or comfortably. For the few moments that you’re alone, you find peace in watching the chefs and waitstaff who’ve now changed into their swim attire frolic in the water. Someone brought a beachball and it’s being bounced around the pool. It takes all of your concentration and hand/eye coordination but you manage to give a successful volleyball inspired hit and keep the ball’s momentum. Hoseok’s feet appear next to you a beat later.

“Did you see that? That was a good spike, right?” You look up at him standing next to you. “You look like the pillsbury dough boy from this angle,” you say, prompting him to sit down.

“Is that something you’re into?” He smiles at your profile. The dim lighting does wonders for your features and he’s secretly glad he gets to see you in what he thinks may be a rare state.

“I like bread, but not that much.” He snorts at your joke.

You turn to look at him as best you can. This is the first time in a short while that you’ve gotten to really take a good look at him since you’re whole job is about looking away from him and at the children in the kiddie pool. If you squint, you can kind of see what he used to look like still there, under the surface. His cheeks were a bit rounder and softer, even when you were seniors in high school and technically ‘adults’. His hair was different too. For the majority of high school it was dark and laid flat against his foreheard. While it didn’t look bad, it didn’t do anything to flatter his face. It wasn’t until the end when he started experimenting with product and color. Even when you were younger and hated him, you were still able to appreciate the day he came into class during one winter morning of junior year with it parted and swooped messily off his forehead and dyed a warm brown with golden highlights. You and 30 other classmates had appreciated that day very much. It suited him and the brooding badboy thing he had going on.

“Thanks,” he says, surprise coloring his voice.

“W-what?”

“I didn’t know you liked the brown so much.”

Sober-you would have been having a conniption at the idea that Hoseok might get even the slightest whiff of your teeny-tiny attraction for him. The wine running in your veins has you relaxed enough to just concede the compliment to him, but steer the subject away from you.

“What made you dye it red?”

“Ehh, it was just a kind of coverup for a bad blond dye job my ex gave me last year.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Why? Do you think I should I dye it brown again?” You pause and look him over, trying to imagine the color from before on him now.

“No. The way you are now is fine.”

Your comment makes him sit back, a little stunned. When he looks back at you, you’re eyes are drifting closed. He’s pretty sure you drove yourself, so he lifts your arm and helps you stand up before hobbling over to Stella to let her know that he’s going to take you home.

“Alright,” she says, clearly enjoying her game of Marco Polo with the head chef. “But you had better get her home in a condition no worse than the one she’s in right now. And don’t think I won’t ask her tomorrow what she remembers happening after she left here, Jung.”

All he can do is salute her as your head lolls forward and you try to go back to being less upright.

Taking you home is more effort than he thought it would be. First, it takes a while to get you awake again so he can tell you he’s taking you home and ask you where your stuff is. He manages to get your locker open but only after waking you several times to get each number of the combination because you were too sleepy to give it to him in full. Then, he has to get you in the car without looking like he’s kidnapping you because at that point he’s carrying your dead weight. Just heaving you over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry would be easier, but he’s worried you’ll throw up down his back. Once you’re in the car, the hardest part is over. From there it’s just pestering you again to get your seatbelt on and have you remind him of your parents’ address. Another bolt of pride shoots through him when you sleepily mumble the street and house number and it’s what he thought. After that it’s pretty smooth sailing. He finds your house with ease, the front light illuminating the number and the doorway.

Your mother comes to the door, father wandering in behind her to see why you’re coming in so late. When they see a pair of silhouettes walk across the lawn and up to the door, they quickly come out to see what’s going on. Your dad realizes you’re the one slumped over and moves quickly to take you off the stranger’s arm. Soon he realizes that the stranger is Jung Hoseok, the boy his only child used to play with.

“Do I want to know what happened?”

“Nothing bad. There’s just dinner for the lifeguards after the pool closes everyday and I think she filled up on wine instead of her food. I worried about her so I just drove her home. I hope that’s okay.”

“Well, it’s not ideal, but I’m glad it was you and not someone with an ulterior motive,” your father says with a pointed look at him.

Your mother holds the door open and looks on in sympathy at your clammy, sleepy face and ushers your father inside before ushering Hoseok in as well. As much as he would like to be able to carry you up the stairs to your bedroom like he used to when you were small, your father’s back can’t handle that much rigor and he opts for trying to lay you out onto the couch. He accidentally drops you on your face, but it’s not a steep drop and the cushions break your fall, so he just makes sure you’re facing to the side with a foot on the floor to keep you from rolling off and hurting yourself or choking on your vomit. He moves into the kitchen to find his wife pouring Hoseok a glass of water.

“I can’t thank you enough for bringing our baby home safely, Hoseok. You know, I was just thinking about you yesterday.”

“Is that so?” He politely sips at the water, very uncomfortable.

“Yes. I saw your mother recently. We were talking about how both of our nests have stopped being empty for the summer,” she laughs.

“Yeah, she told me she saw you.”

“It’s been a while, son,” your father says as he goes to stand next to your mother. Both of them pin Hoseok with stares filled with different emotions.

“Oh, it really has. You’re grown into such a handsome man. I suppose it makes sense, since you were such a beautiful boy.” All he can do is chuckle awkwardly before downing the last bit of water.

“Well, I better get going. I have to get up early to make it to the pool on time. It was nice to see you all.”

“It was nice to see you too, sweetie.” Your mother hands your father the car keys. “Drive Hosoek home, honey?”

“Sure.”

“It’s really no trouble, I was just gonna walk. I don’t live that far away.” His eyes widen at the thought of having to spend more making awkward small-talk with your parents and no way of escaping.

“Well, I wouldn’t want you to lose any more sleep than you already have. I’ll drive you and you can do us a favor and swing by and pick up our baby, alright? She probably won’t be fit to drive that day, and it’ll be an opportunity for me to drive my wife to her doctor’s appointment.”

He stutters a bit, looking for a way out that won’t offend anyone, before giving up. “Okay. Thank you, sir.”

“No problem, son.”

To say that the morning following Hoseok driving you home is the worst mornings of your life is probably an exaggeration, but it’s most likely a slight one. First, you had wake up with a bit of a hangover, which wouldn’t be so bad if you could get more time to sleep it off. Instead, you’re forced to roll off the bed at the sound of your alarm and shower. Your stomach is killing you, but you know you can’t skip breakfast and still make it through a whole day of sitting in the sun. The worst part of the morning by far is dragging yourself downstairs only to find Hoseok drinking coffee with your mother at the kitchen table.

His eyes brighten at the sight of you shuffling down the stairs looking half dead, but he’d much rather deal with you and your hangover than sit there and listen to your mom make thinly veiled attempts at asking him if he’d confessed to you yet. Your mother ushers both of you out the door with a fruit cup and spoon and you barely have any time to process the situation.

Five minutes into the drive to the pool is enough time for the cool early morning air and periwinkle skyline for you to wake up and take back the reigns from your lizard brain.

“Why were you in my house?” You poke a soft piece of syrup covered peach with your spoon and lay back in your seat. Mrs. Jung’s car is newer than your father’s so you don’t have to wind a crank to get the seat to recline.

“Do you remember last night?”

“Of course, I do.”

“Well, that’s why.” You pout for a minute, embarrassed that Hoseok saw you in such a state even though you were only a little past tipsy.

“Did my parents put you up to this?”

“Absolutely. As much as I’d like to be able to get you to voluntarily ride around with me, it’s not worth having your dad drive me home and spending the morning with your mom.” You snort at his candid tone. “No offense to your parents. They’re wonderful people.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What did my mom say to you?”

“Nothing much. She asked me how college was and if I had a job lined up. Asked me if I had a girlfriend. Asked me if you had a secret boyfriend. Then asked me why I hadn’t asked you out yet. You know. The usual.”

“Are you serious?” The pieces of fruit you had been half-heartedly munching on and get stuck in your windpipe. It takes a couple firm pats on the back from Hoseok but soon you’re eyes stop watering and you are able to look at him gravely. “Did she really ask you that?”

“She did,” he smiles self-deprecatingly, but it’s still a warm smile.

“W-what did you tell her?” At the sound of your quiet inquiry his expression sombers up quickly.

“Don’t worry. I just told her I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable, though.”

“Well, I’m sure you would be if I was chasing you around like I used to.”

“Things are different now,” is all you can say without your face heating up too much.

He chances a look at you and the way you fiddle with your hoodie reminds him of the way you played with the hem of your school uniform whenever you were talking with guys you liked. After a few deep breaths, he decides to take a risk. The little booth where the parking lot managers sits to monitor employee traffic is visible at the end of the street once Hoseok drives past the country club gates. He drives straight past the attendant because he has an employee sticker on his car window. There’s a vacant spot in the far corner of the lot that he takes before parking the car so he can turn to face you.

“How are things different?”

You find it hard not to feel warm under Hoseok’s stare. Though it’s not the first time you’ve been the object of his hungry gaze, all the previous times were more diluted because he was just a young boy searching for just ounce of the comfort he once found in you as his childhood best friend. Those were the days where you were mad at him and could easily deflect the power of his stare with your own anger. Now, though, the air has been cleared, the slate wiped clean. He’s no longer a 14 year-old boy hoping you’ll forgive him. He’s 23 and wants nothing more than to strip you of all your pretenses and get as close to you as possible simply because he wants to be able to feel all you can offer and give you all you’ll accept.

When you can’t meet his eyes or answer him, he squares his jaw and leans into your space. He’s tired of this game of cat and mouse. Maybe it’s because he couldn’t sit back and pretend he didn’t still feel anything for you. Maybe it’s because he knows that in this situation he’s not really a cat or a mouse. He feels more like a beast with a strange amount of patience. But everyone knows patience has to run out sometime. Slowly, he brings a gentle hand to your chin and lifts your gaze towards his.

“Why are things different now?”

“Because…you don’t make me uncomfortable anymore,” you say, knowing that you’re being overly cowardly and vague.

He knows the desperation is clear in his voice, but he really thinks he’s been correctly reading the room and the way you look at him when you think he can’t see. He just wants confirmation. “Why are you comfortable now?”

“It’s not that I’m exactly comfortable with you,” you trail off looking for the right phrase. “I still feel like my whole body is tensed up when I’m around you.”

“Oh,” he says, trying to swallow down the sudden wave of disappointment.

“But I like it.”

His head snaps up and suddenly he’s laughing. It sounds a bit too high and crazed to be anything other than manic laughter. You watch his shoulders shake and his hands rake through his hair before he sighs and turns to smile at you.

“Can I kiss you,” he blurts out. The surprised look on your face must be comical because he laughs more naturally this time before leaning over the center console to pin you to your seat with a softer, molten look. “Can I?”

Somewhere in the back of your head, a part of you wonders if kissing in the car is even allowed before 10 am, but you figure that the only way to know is to try. You hum affirmatively, not trusting your voice, but he shakes his head at you and retracts a little.

“No. I want to hear you say it.”

“Yes. Are you happy now,” you huff. He rewards your half-effort with a warm hand wrapping around the nape of your neck, but doesn’t move any closer.

“‘Yes’ what?” His smile is dark and teasing. Almost mean.

“For fuck’s sake, Jung, just kiss me.” It’s too early for teasing and your hands come up to scrunch in the fabric of the front of his t-shirt like they have a mind of their own.

“There’s my girl,” he whispers before swooping in and crushing his lips to yours.

Kissing Jung Hoseok is not at all like you pictured it. Then again, you’d spent the last 8 years pushing away the mere possibility that it could happen, so it’s not surprising that he passes all your expectations given that you had none. That’s not to say that your standards are super low and that he’s just a mediocre kisser, because he’s most certainly not. The moment your eyes close, his lips caress yours slowly and firmly. He opens your mouth with a few well-timed nips to your lower lip followed, wetting your entrance with a subtle swipes of his tongue. As he eases you open, your hands move to feel his torso and map out the planes and dips of his defined arms and toned chest. The hot glide of his tongue against yours has you reaching up to card your fingers through his hair. It feels slightly damp with the shower he must have taken before coming to pick you up and you scrape your nails lightly against his scalp as you comb through the russet waves. He groans into your mouth and presses forward, his nose brushing your cheek as he turns his head to kiss you more deeply. From there, you can’t stop your hands from roaming up his arms, his sides, his back. Eventually you settle on wrapping your arms around his neck and letting one hand wriggle under the collar of his shirt so you can rest your palm against the smooth skin of his back.

The feeling of your hand on his bare skin feels hot like a brand and pushes him to work harder to draw moans from you. Soft sounds of breathing and your lips meeting again and again fill the car. The cooler temperature of the outside morning air means that the car starts to fog up quickly. His free arm doesn’t stop moving. First he wraps it around your waist, then strokes your thigh before digging his fingers into the meat of it. Finally he settles on cupping your face with both hands to bring you impossibly closer as he ravishes your mouth. You let out a long breath that ends in a hitch when he decides to test out sucking kisses onto the column of your neck. His name leaves your mouth in a breathy sigh and suddenly he’s cursing and pulling back.

He looks fucked out with his hair a coppery mess from your fingers running through it, shiny, swollen lips, and a dreamy expression on his face. You drink in the picturesque curves of his profile, especially admiring the slope of his boyish smile as he grins to himself with his chest heaving. The neon numbers on the digital clock in the dashboard let you know that you’re 10 minutes behind schedule to opening up the kiddie pool.

“We’re late,” you mumble when you’ve caught your breath and the windshield isn’t so foggy anymore.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Listen, why don’t you, uh, go in first, okay?”

He’s still smiling but he’s hunching over himself a little strangely, hands resting unnaturally splayed out in his lap. You’re suspicious, but nod and take your bag with you out the car to go get ready for the start of the shift. Stella and the other lifeguards are standing by the tiny coffee machine in the lounge when you come in, your hair is still a bit of a mess. Stella gives you a knowing smile after giving you a once over.

“Glad to have you back,” her voice lilts and a couple people sticker.

“Uh, what do you mean? I didn’t go anywhere.” Trying not to not look guilty proves difficult when you can’t even manage a normal smile and can only give something that’s 80% teeth.

“Easy, lightweight,” one guard says, “We just didn’t think you’d make it here after how gone you were yesterday. Much less on time for your morning set-up.”

“I’m not a lightweight, I just didn’t end up eating any of my dinner,” you sniff, but relax the set of your shoulders a bit once you realize they’re snickering about your tipsy antics from the night before and not your amorous behavior in the parking lot just now.

Hoseok shows up while you’re in the middle of setup and doesn’t say much as he helps you with the rest of it. The kiddie pool opens like it normally does at 8am and young swimmers trickle in. Some more frequent guests waddle over to your chairs to show off their new floaties or to ask if you live at the pool. Your shift partner is still unnervingly quiet for the first few hours, not even complaining when the temperature steadily increases to an annoying high. He still doesn’t say anything as you move your safety equipment to the edge of the pool so you can both dip into the shallow water for relief. Quickly, you realize that you’re rather fond of his talkative nature and snap as soon as the toddler that was repeatedly jumping into his arms gets picked up by the last parent and you can break for lunch. You say a silent goodbye to your pride and finally turn to him once the gate to the kiddie pool is closed.

“It’s really warm, huh?”

His neutral expression breaks into a private smile to himself. “Yeah, I suppose it is. You’re gonna eat lunch right?”

“Yeah,” you say, still frowning at his short answers as you move to get up from the pool wall.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get yours too. We can just eat out here.”

You nod for lack of anything better to say. When he comes back with one sac you remember that you didn’t pack a lunch for yourself like you normally would the night before work. He sits next to you and opens his lunchbox silently.

“I forgot to bring a lunch. I’m gonna head to the tip jar and then run to the vending machine really quick.”

“No need,” he says, “Your mom packed this for you this morning and gave it to me.”

He hands you a plastic bag out of his own larger container before opening a hand-made sandwich and chowing down. You open the bag cautiously, not expecting the normal salad that you pack yourself usually. Instead, you find something that may be exactly the same lunch she used to pack you when you were in elementary school.

“I guess this is punishment for getting too drunk to take myself home,” you mutter down at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and carrot sticks.

He peers into your bag.“What’s wrong with carrot sticks,” he pouts and holds his own container of carrot sticks and hummus.

“At least you had the decency to pack hummus. She thinks I still eat the same way I did when I was 8.”

“I’ll trade you for your fruit punch.”

“What are you offering,” you give him the side-eye of a seasoned businesswoman.

“Just your favorite,” he shrugs, pulling out a small cardboard carton of chocolate milk. Even at your age, you still love chocolate milk, though you don’t indulge in it often. “Bet you haven’t seen this since we were kids.”

You nod frantically, remembering how you used to drink it whenever you could if there wasn’t a race that day. “Deal.” you say, tossing the tiny bottle of fruit punch and snatching the milk like he might not keep his promise.

The two of you give each other a look and break down into laughter at your childish behavior.

“Just like old times.” Your voice and eyes are soft as you watch him open the fruit punch with a little difficulty. Huffing, you nudge his hands out of the way before snapping the no-spill opening so he can drink from it with one hand.

“Almost.” He inches his face toward yours until you can almost count his eyelashes. His hand comes to run up your arm and lay on your shoulder blade, trying to get you closer.

You meet him halfway, turning a bit awkwardly at the waist so you can wrap your arms around him. If you’re being honest, you were worried that he was being so quiet because he regretted kissing you in the car and was trying to think of a way to take it back. But it’s clear that’s not the case from the way he coaxes your lips open with his own so he can lick into your mouth with a slickness that has your face heating. The reminder that your coworkers could see you at any moment has you beginning to pull away, but he knows you too well to let you escape.

“No one’s gonna see,” he whispers against your mouth before going back in to work your lips. Your eyes flutter shut again and the worries seem to dissolve a little.

“What if they do, though?” Somehow one of your hands always makes it back to his hair and you give it a slight tug when he sucks lightly on your earlobe. “This is unprofessional.”

“Yeah, it is.” He grins but still pulls back after pressing a somewhat chaste kiss on your frowning lips once and then twice.

“I haven’t even touched my lunch and the break is almost over,” you mumble. “Good thing there’s dinner after the last shift.”

“Don’t get drunk again,” he tosses his head back at his joke and you can only glare at him as you steal some hummus.

The rest of the day goes by without a hitch. You and Hoseok manage to keep your hands off each other during dinner. And surprisingly during the ride he gives you home, which quickly becomes a daily routine. Your parents gave you a knowing look when you told them why you would no longer need to borrow the car to get to work, but they didn’t say anything. 

The summer passes by quickly and slowly. Quickly because you have fun talking with Hoseok and time seemingly passes by faster when he’s making you laugh or smile while he plays with the babies. Slowly because he still manages to find moments to get in your face and steal a few kisses that seem to halt time itself. It seems like you blinked and then there were only two more weeks left of work at the pool left.

There’s about an hour before the pool closes and Hoseok has migrated over to a farther corner of the pool to engage little Jungkook, a pool regular who keeps gazing up at him with hero-worship in his eyes. You let yourself look over for a brief second before continuing your perusal of the other swimmers to make sure no one needs help. Sudden splashing gets your attention and Jungkook comes running into your field of view.

“What’s the matter? Did you drop your goggles again?” You let him take your hand, though you have to crouch so he can reach it.

“Lifeguard Hoseok is playing dead and it’s scary,” he looks up at you with big eyes and brings you to where Hoseok is managing to float on his back despite the low level of the pool water.

“Hoseok,” you put on an admonishing tone for Jungkook, “Are you playing dead and scaring the swimmers?”

He cracks an eye open at the sound of your voice and looks up at you. “Actually, I’m drowning. Please save me.” Jungkook watches him close his eyes again and stick out his tongue, imitating a body.

“He keeps doing that scary face. Is he dead?” Jungkook squeezes your hand and you kneel down so that you can look him in the eye.

“No, he’s just pretending.”

“Make him open his eyes, then.” You raise an eyebrow and he tacks on a ‘please, Ms. Lifeguard’.

“Hoseok,” you stage-whisper to appease Jungkook, who’s looking on with distress in his eyes, “You need to wake up. You’re making your friend here nervous about you.”

“Then you should save me so I can wake up. Right, Jungkook?”

“Y-yeah. Give him PPR to wake him up!”

“Yeah! Give me that sweet PPR, please.”

You roll your eyes. Clearly Hoseok is childish enough to know how to get actual children on his side. To make sure no funny business happens, you treat it like the training sessions you’ve attended and pinch his nose closed. His eyes crack open to glare at you but stay closed for the most part like a good faker. You lower your head and place a chaste kiss on Hoseok’s waiting mouth. He springs up and gasps like all the life force he lost has entered back into his body all at once. His hands come out to clutch you to him in a fierce hug.

“Thank you for saving me, Ms. Lifeguard.” He shouts into your hair, soaking your top half despite the fact that you’d managed to keep your hair dry all day until this point. “Look, Jungkook, she saved me.”

Jungkook is clearly smarter than Hosoek thinks and pouts at the two of you. “Hey! You weren’t really sleeping, you were just pretending so you could get a kiss!”

“How did you know,” your mouth drops open and a genuine laugh tumbles out. Jungkook attempts to cross his little arms but the floaties he’s wearing get in the way.

“Because my Dada always does it to trick my Papa when we go to the beach.”

“I’m sorry Hoseok tried to trick you, Jungkook. But, I hope that you’ll still listen when people tell you they’re hurting because it might be true next time.”

He nods and you reach up to ruffle his dark hair. He skips off to go play and you make sure no one is looking before you break the no-splashing rule and send a wave up at Hoseok’s face.

“What the hell was that?”

“What? I’m bored. I just wanted to play,” he pouts at you.

“Play later. We still have 45 minutes of work left.”

“Will you play with me,” he asks in your ear. You shiver a little at the feeling of his breath on your neck but push him away.

“Fine, but later. I’m not gonna get caught goofing off and lose this job. I really need it.”

“Did you not have a job lined up after school ended?” He sits down for real and adjusts his visor to shield his eyes.

“No. Do you?”

“Yeah. I’m start working at a JYP Banks city branch this fall.”

“Oh my god, ew. Were you an econ major?”

It’s hard to imagine Hoseok as one of the boys who used too much hair gel, smoked too much weed on the weekends, and wore suits to their business and math classes on your former campus.

“Yeah, why not? I’m good at math.”

“Since when,” your nose wrinkles.

“Since high school. It was one of the only classes I always had without you. So I actually ended up paying attention.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” he gently tweaks your side, “You weren’t there at the board with your too-small uniform skirt for me to stare at.”

“Too small? Those uniforms were specially ordered for each student, asshole.”

“That doesn’t mean anything if you were a late bloomer and got the measurements taken when you were 13 and built like a grade-schooler.”

Your mouth gapes open and there’s a lot to unpack in that statement. The fact that he called you out for being flat as a board at the end of middle school. The fact that he called you out for not suddenly having boobs and ass when you were 15 like everyone else. The fact that he had bee paying attention to you well before puberty hit you like a truck in senior year, unlike other guys.

“I’m not a stick now, though,” you say and sit up a bit straighter to confirm to yourself that no one would confuse you for a child with your figure now.

“Nope,” he agrees, “You’re certainly not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Again with this?”

“We can’t all have the same metabolism that we’ve had since we were teenagers. You were skinny too, if I recall.”

“Yeah and there’s nothing wrong with that. But that old string-bean Hoseok is gone.” He’s half joking, half serious as he brings up a tanned arm to flex, showing off a surprising sized bicep. You reach out and squeeze the swell of firm muscle. “That’s gym and dance gains right there, baby.”

“You’re an idiot,” you toss over your shoulder fondly as the final few parents and children leave the pool.

The two of you putter around and clean up the pool so its ready for closing. Hoseok goes ahead while you stay back to make sure none of the kids left any precious toys or swim gear behind. When you enter the lounge, the last few lifeguards are heading out towards the restaurant employee entrance while Hoseok waves to them.

“You didn’t have to wait for me, you know.”

Carefully you turn the sticky lock on your locker, trying angrily to get it open so you can put your things away and go eat. One of the chefs told you the day before that the final shipment of mango for the summer was coming and you’d be damned if someone else took some of the portions they promised to save for you.

“You said you’d play with me,” his voice is low as he presses against you. You let him close your locker for you and turn to give him a placating kiss.

“What about food?” He presses wet kisses along the skin of your shoulder before sliding the strap of your suit down with his teeth. His hand runs a course  down to your ass. His fingers toy with the elastic hem of your one-piece, cheekily catching against the skin there underneath.

He lifts hooded eyes up to yours. “Are you hungry right now?”

“Maybe not now,” you say as you swipe your thumbs across his cheekbones, “But I would be by the time that they finished taking people’s orders. That’s not a super long time.”

“So maybe we should just get food later.” His tone is reasonable and the way he’s pressing against you is distracting. If you shift the right way, you can feel him through his shorts.

“Where are we even gonna go?”

“It turns out,” he takes you by the hand and leads you through the other exit in the lounge, “There isn’t a view of the adult pool from the windows in the dining area. We’re alone here.”

He hops into the water, dunking his head under before coming up right after. His hands slick back his hair and you’re suddenly disappointed that he only wanted to swim. You go in after him, electing to do a lap or two to stretch your limbs after hours in a chair. When you come back up he claps.

“Nice form,” he says as you paddle over.

“I’m missing mangos for this.”

“Don’t worry, I told them to save some for you. You’ve been talking about them all day.”

You beam at him, disappointment appeased now that you’re still going to get your fruit. He pats the wall of the shallow end of the pool.

“Come sit.”

You swim over and hoist yourself up on the edge. He wades up to the edge to rest his hands on your thighs. The smile on his face is wide and brilliant as he looks up at you and you can’t help but card your fingers through his hair. The red is fading and you’re a bit sad to see it go.

“Are you gonna dye it back again or are you gonna let it grow out for work?”

“Yeah, I think the red might have to go. But I might be able to do brown. Or even blond if it’s done well. What do you think,” he asks, laying his cheek on your knee.

“It’s up to you, I mean. I won’t even be there to see it, so you might as well do what’s best for the office.”

With the end of the summer nearing, what would happen between you two became a common topic of conversation. But the conversations never get too far because you still haven’t defined what it was that you are to each other. The idea of having split after all that you’ve been through, including everything before finding one another at the pool, makes your stomach feel cold and empty. This isn’t your average summer whirlwind and you both know that. But neither of you wants to be the one to end the fun.

“Who knows. You might be in the city for work. Or you could come down on the weekends. Or I could come up.” He looks up at you, eyes swimming in some emotion you can’t name. “I just don’t want to stop seeing you.”

“Can we not do this right now? It’s depressing and there’s still a little while left, anyway.”

“Okay.”

He nuzzles into the flesh of your thigh, mouthing against it even when your leg jumps up against the ticklish sensation. Leaning back, you watch him pepper your thighs with kisses in earnest. The higher up he moves, the slower they get until he’s only a few inches away from your core and your arms are protesting from holding yourself up so you can watch. You endure it because the sight of the faded auburn of his hair moving as he switches to the other knee and works his up is enticing in and of itself. His hands come to your hips and move you closer to the edge, his nose brushing against the hem of your suit.

“Here? Are you kidding me?”

“Why not?” His voice is muffled from where his mouth moves to suck a bruise high up on your inner thigh. “Don’t you think it’s a little fun? The idea that someone could see?”

“I think mini-golf is fun. Grocery shopping is also pretty—shit,” you lose your train of thought as he presses the flat of his tongue hard against the the crotch of your suit. Your thighs clamp shut on either side of him and you whip your head around to check your surroundings.

“Will you relax, please? The cleaning crew doesn’t come until after 9 and they’ll be in there for at least an hour.”

“But I smell like the pool.”

“I do too. Don’t worry, baby.” He sucks a kiss onto the apex of your thighs before looking up at you through dark lashes. “Is this okay?”

You stutter for a moment before steadying yourself once more and nodding. He uses one hand to creep up to the singular strap holding your suit up and slides it down to get access to your breasts. He kneads a globe in his hand before plucking your nipple and rolling it between his fingers. The other hand rubs at you over your suit with his thumb circling around what he hopes is your clit. Eventually the friction gets you swollen enough that he can better locate it. Dampness begins to pool at your center, forming a dark spot on your suit as you cant your hips up in time with the figure eights he rubs onto you. The wet material of your suit begins to bother you and you slide the top half down further, the evening air causing your nipples to pebble. With the suit now lax, he slides the crotch to the side and inhales deeply. The scent of chlorine is there, but he can still make out your natural scent underneath. Your arousal glistens subtly in the dim light and when he runs a finger through the slick to taste, you groan.

“What’s taking you so long? Put your face in it already.”

“You just want me to hurry up so we don’t get caught.”

“Maybe. But I want you to eat me out too.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

He dives in quickly, collecting all the arousal he can on his tongue. Licking from your entrance up to the top, he makes sure to hollow his cheeks, and sucks your clit into his mouth. Your leg kicks out to the side of him, splashing water up quietly. Pulling back with a smack, he maneuvers both your thighs over the broad expanse of his shoulders and moves in closer. He laughs when you whine for him puts his mouth back on you.

“Is it good so far,” he asks, carefully sliding a slender finger into you.

“Mmm, it’s good. Add another finger, I can handle it.” He adds another finger and scissors them after a beat.

“You wanna feel stretched, baby?” You bite you lip, arms quivering until you have to lie on your back. “I bet you’d rather take my dick, wouldn’t you?”

“Oh my god, I want it so bad.” He twitches and hardens further as he watches you reach down to fondle both your breasts roughly.

“You’d take my dick so well, I know it. I wish I could have you bouncing on me so I could play with your tits myself. But you keep playing with them and imagine those are my hands.”

“Hoseok,” you whine, “I need more. Need your mouth again too.”

Determined to make you cum hard, he adds a third finger and presses down on your pelvic floor before thrusting them into you over and over, his wrist twisting sinuously. Once you start squelching from a sudden onslaught of wetness, he assaults your clit again. With the body of his tongue, he licks shapes onto your core. A particularly hard flick of his tongue as you gasping out, back arching and pushing into his face. The change in angle causes his fingers to press harder into the spongey patch on your walls.

“Fuck, just like that. Don’t stop. Please!”

He crooks his fingers and grinds them into the spot as best he can while still scissoring his fingers so you feel full. You’re a sight to behold in front of him. Your legs part to reveal the your swollen and slick center. Your back arches beautifully and your breasts spill over your suit as you shudder through the orgasm he rips out of you. He withdraws his fingers carefully and marvels at the crystalline strands that stretch between his spread fingers. He sucks them into his mouth one by one with the other hand petting your thigh comfortingly.

“How do you feel about burgers?”

Hoseok can’t stop staring at the dewy glow on your skin and his burger sits unwrapped but unbitten as he watches you pluck a curly fry from the pile in the center of the table. Your eyes seem brighter and while he supposes that having an orgasm does that to a person, but he can’t help the swell of pride that rises up when he thinks that he had something to do with it.

“Your food’s gonna get cold,” you pick up a fry and bring it to his lips. “Aren’t you hungry?”

His lip graze your fingers slightly when you feed him the fry. “I already ate, remember?” His wry grin makes your heart flutter a bit.

“Well, you need your strength.” When his forehead crinkles in confusion, you clarify, “For dessert.”

“Look if you want it, I’ll give it to you, baby.” 

It’s moments like these where he’s flexing in the middle of a diner and touching himself like he’s hot shit that you think it’s hard to tell if he’s being serious or not. Your phone rings, giving you an excuse to stop the show he’s giving the rest of the patrons as he grinds into the booth.

“Cool your jets, Hoseok, I have a phone call. Hello? Yes, that’s me.”

“Who is it,” he mouths.

“The research company,” you mouth back. “Yes, I could definitely do that. Within this month, even. Yes, of course, I’ll look for it. Thank you very much. You too. Goodbye.”

Your phone clatters against the table and you cradle your head in your hand, fingers of your other hand coming down to drum on the table. Hoseok looks on in worry, stooping to better read your expression.

“What did they say?”

“They said that if I move out there before the month ends, I have the job.”

“You got the job?”

“I got the job.” Your cheeks hurt from how hard you’re smiling and the relief that washes over you takes a weight off your shoulders that you didn’t realize you were carrying.

“I wish I had suggested a nicer place so the rest of the dinner could be celebratory.”

“If you hurry up and finish your burger, we can still have some fun.”

Hoseok jumps at the feeling of your foot running up his leg under the table. Rushing up, he goes to pay the bill, taking his burger with him so he can just finish it later. Once the bill is paid, you clear off the table and drag him through the parking lot, eager to get him to the car and driving to a spot where you don’t have to worry about being found. This turns out to be the very back row of the huge parking lot behind the strip mall. All the big summer block busters have already come and gone, so there isn’t much traffic. As soon as you park, you and Hoseok make a beeline to the back seat. To congratulate you, he tells you that he’ll listen to whatever you say. Even though it’s supposed to be about you, he doesn’t think he can’t possibly lose in this situation.

“I want you on your back,” your eyes are dark as you shirk the clothes you’d only changed into less than an hour ago, putting them on after you showered to go to the diner.

“Sounds good,” he says, lifting his hips so you can slide his shorts off.

“So I can ride you.” you supply. You slip off your underwear.

“Great.” He’s already imagining the view he’ll have of your ass, and his dick twitches eagerly at the thought.

“But you can’t touch me until I let you. And I might not let you.”

“What? Why am I being punished?”

You roll your eyes and grab his shaft a little rougher than necessary when he continues to huff about the lack of justice in the world. He quiets down when you slide down on him, still wet from the when his hand wriggled down your own shorts earlier while you were looking for a spot to park to tease you. His hands automatically come up to rest on your hips and get you started on rocking over him, but you grab both his wrists and pin them both above his head. Ignoring his pout, you use his wrists as a handhold for leverage and begin to grind your hips in slow circles. Once the rhythm is right and you’re wetter than before, you start to really lift yourself up off him and then grind back down on him.

It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy the pace you’ve set, because even through a latex barrier you’re hugging him snugly and slide down him like a dream. But it’s a pace clearly set for you, helping you increase precision so you can use his pelvis as a way to massage your clit. Every time you fuck yourself down on him, you let out a little whine and squeeze his wrists. He groans and throws his head back in frustration, arms and abs flexing with the effort it takes not to wrestle his hands over to you.

“Fuck, just let me use my hands, baby. I just want to make you feel good.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I feel pretty—ahh—good by myself right now.”

Hesitantly, you release your grip on his wrists, giving him a look that tells him to keep them obediently pinned above his head. For a few moments you lean back and use his legs behind you as support so you can drop yourself more forcefully down onto his dick. After a while of watching him grit his teeth and letting out choked out moans, you give him a cheeky smile before turning and repositioning yourself in the opposite direction.

“Be a nice boy and bend this knee, hmm?”

Hoseok plants his foot firmly on the seat so that his knee is bent. It takes some wiggling on your part but soon you’re able to grind against his thigh as you move up and down. The moans you let out get louder and louder but your legs start to burn with exertion and eventually you have to resort to merely humping his leg. It’s not enough and when you curse lowly he sees his chance. He’s a good team player so he’s willing to help you out if you’ll let him.

“If you just let me use my hands again, I can help you out.” You mutter something under your breath. “What was that?”

“I said fine. As long as you get me off, you can see whatever limbs you want.” Your tone is somewhere between whining and snapping but the sheen of sweat coating your back and arms lets him know how tuckered out you really are.

He sits up once he has your permission. His first order of business with his hands back in use is to land a blow down on one of the globes of your ass. You let out a pained moan and clutch his thigh tighter to your core.

“Did you have fun using me like a toy?”

“I did. It was fun seeing you so mad you couldn’t touch me.” He can’t see your whole face, but you look back at him over your shoulder with a feline smugness in your eyes and a smile in your tone.

He spanks you again. “Should have expected this from you. Always thought you wouldn’t know how to act once you finally got the fucking you’d been looking for.” You merely whine in response so he gathers your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulls. “Why should I let a brat like you cum, huh?”

“Because I just got that new job in the city and you’re proud of me.” You push back on him as best you can when your legs feel like jelly.

“That’s a good answer, baby. I’ll let it go for tonight,” he says as he peppers your shoulder and the parts of your back that he can reach with kisses. “Get on all fours. Hurry.”

You scramble forward on your hands and knees, arching your back for him. He swats your butt again just because he likes the view. He pushes in with no warning, but you’re stretched sufficiently enough that it doesn’t hurt to be so full so abruptly. His hands come to grab both your hips and immediately he pistons forward and fucks you like a machine. Perhaps it’s a side effect of the blue balls he’d been harboring since work started this morning. Perhaps it’s because he has a hunch this is what you wanted the whole time. Perhaps it’s that you’re leaving to some mystery city soon and some part of him believes that if he fucks you deep enough, you’ll take a piece of him with you and that will mean you’ll be together again someday.

Hoseok is certain that this isn’t the last time he’ll see you. But he doesn’t know if it’ll be like this. Like a sort-of summer fling that has a long prologue and a confusing epilogue. He knows you two are linked though. You must know it too. It’s impossible to deny when you both reach climax at the same time during your first time, the breath leaving him like you knocked it out and your eyes rolling into the back of your head like he scratched stars there for only you to see.

He turns you around carefully, so as not to slip out of you, only so he can hold you as you both come down from your respective highs. Neither of you say the words that would probably be most appropriate for a moment like this one. But your hands do automatically wind around him to play with the hair at the nape of his neck and trace secrets into his back. And the skin behind and below your ear is in fact where you smell the most like you, so he presses his nose into the spot and just breathes. Hoping for the best.

(3 months later)

Hoseok carried the habit of waking up early from his lifeguard job to his real job in the city that’s a 2 hour drive north of his childhood town. With this extra time he likes to explore the different districts, taking a different way to work each day when he can. In doing this, he’s also able to sample all the different coffee shops that are en route to the office and pick up orders given to him by his seniors in the analytics department.

Today his phone is on the fritiz and didn’t finish loading the details to the coffee shop that he was supposed to visit today. Instead, he wonders the streets, still with a bit of free time on his hands before he’s supposed to arrive. A few people have passed him now with steaming take away cups of what is presumably coffee. It takes some intuition, but eventually he makes it to a bright, butter yellow sign and laughs. GoldJin Coffee. Somewhere in the back of his head he remembers liking a tweet from Jin saying that he opened up a second branch, but it didn’t register that it was in Hoseok’s new city until now. It’s unclear whether this was the place his phone intended for him to go, but he steps inside anyway. He knows the coffee here, having come to the original location a few times. With you. As ‘friends’. 

Before the memory can rear it’s head, he shakes his head and moves to stand in line. Most of the other people in suits with briefcases stand in line as they wait for their liquid start of the day. The remaining few seem to be an older, graying couple deliberating over pastries while they wait their turn and another young person looking for fuel. The more he looks over the other people in line, the more Hoseok’s stare his stare lands on the other young person. They look familiar, but he’s not sure why. They’re not wearing a suit, so they can’t be working for his company. He must know them from somewhere else.

The older couple orders their pastries, and someone in a suit orders their drink, then it’s the young person’s turn. They come up to the counter and the barista hands them a drink already made. They thank the barista and move to the side to greet the cashier. Something about the way this person moves grabs Hoseok’s attention to the point where he doesn’t realize it’s his turn to order. He flashes the list of drinks at the barista, having learned from his mistake from trying to recite the flashy drink names himself. The young person moves to a table and as if their bodies are celestial ones, Hoseok gravitates towards the empty table behind them. He watches as they take out a large three ring binder and flip through it while taking sips of their drink.

“J. Hoseok? 6 drinks for J. Hoseok,” the barista calls, shaking him out of his singular thought process.

He gets up from the table to claim his drinks, feeling a little silly for getting so invested in a stranger so rapidly. When he turns around, you stare up at him with wide eyes full of recognition. He walks over to you.

“Hey, long time no see,” his voice is suddenly hoarse.

“Hey, Hoseok.”

[raywritesthings]

Dear Friend, 2/?

My Writing Fandom: Arrow Characters: Laurel Lance, Oliver Queen, Roy Harper, John Diggle, Joanna de la Vega Pairing: Laurel Lance/Oliver Queen Summary: When Felicity decides to get serious about Ray, she knows it won’t be a good idea for Oliver to be hanging around. So she turns to the world of online dating to keep him distracted. Unknown to the both of them, over the summer Joanna had set Laurel up with an online dating account in the hopes that her friend could move on from past failed relationships. There’s only one way this can end. *Can also be read on my AO3*

KingOfSurvival: lucky me

Oliver watched for any sort of reply, but it seemed true to her word she was letting him alone. He set his phone aside and leaned back.

What had just happened was...interesting. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but it wasn’t to fall into such a quick and easy camaraderie. It hadn’t felt much like conversing with a stranger, despite them knowing almost nothing about the other. He wasn’t sure how to explain it.

Maybe he didn’t have to explain it just yet. The only person who knew he was doing this was Felicity, and unless she asked he wasn’t going to volunteer details. If anything, that things had gone well was the last thing he wanted her to know. Just because he’d possibly gained a new friend did not mean he was ready to let go of his feelings for Felicity, contrary to her arguments.

He moved into his typical workout regimen to clear his head for a little while, then took a late lunch. Since he had some time, he worked in a little target practice after that.

Roy was the first down to the base today, which was good. Oliver had wanted to get some extra training in with him before they suited up, as he’d noticed Roy had seemed a little distracted in the field lately.

But there were no complaints from the younger man; he was quick to get ready and move through some basic warm ups before they began.

The ping of the online dating app interrupted their sparring session about a half hour in. Oliver hadn’t even realized he’d been listening for it.

Roy looked around in confusion. “Was that a phone?”

“Yeah, it’s mine. Just give me a second.” He retrieved it from where he’d set it aside. Sure enough, the anonymous woman he’d reached out to was back.

JusticeIsAWoman: did you write your own bio

Oliver paused. He hadn’t even really thought of that since Felicity had been the one to set most of his account up.

KingOfSurvival: no, why?

JusticeIsAWoman: I can definitely see why you want more friends

He was almost scared to check what had been written. She saved him the trouble.

JusticeIsAWoman: “approaching the age for a mid-life crisis” “commitment issues”

JusticeIsAWoman: your friend did say you have “a heart of gold underneath it all”

He groaned.

“What’s the matter?” Asked Roy, and Oliver spun around with a start. He’d almost forgotten he wasn’t alone.

“Uh, nothing. Just an...email. From the bank.” He walked a little ways further from the mats.

KingOfSurvival: I should have probably checked that sooner

KingOfSurvival: we had a recent breakup and it may or may not be informing her opinion of me

JusticeIsAWoman: you broke up and she set you up with an online dating account?

KingOfSurvival: I don’t understand it any better than you

KingOfSurvival: in fairness, we only had one date. She’s more a friend than an ex. I don’t know if that seems weird

It wasn’t as though he and this woman were trying to date, but it occurred to him that talking about previous relationships was probably bad form regardless.

She answered before he could start to apologize.

JusticeIsAWoman: no, I’ve got one of those

KingOfSurvival: oh, ok

JusticeIsAWoman: though mine wouldn’t set me up with an online dating account

JusticeIsAWoman: probably decide I was too fragile for that sort of thing

KingOfSurvival: I’m sensing there’s a story there

JusticeIsAWoman: you’d be right, but it’s probably not one you’d want to hear

JusticeIsAWoman: at least not the very first day

KingOfSurvival: well, I’m glad you made it onto this app anyway

He found himself a little curious, clicking on her profile again and reading back through the bio. There were a couple other stats as well. True to the paragraph she’d written, she’d placed herself in the 25-30 age bracket. On her preferences for the gender of her matches, she’d stated there were none.

KingOfSurvival: just a question - you don’t have to answer

KingOfSurvival: but for your preferences, you didn’t say you had any. Is that just because you’re looking for friendship or…?

JusticeIsAWoman: it’s because I have no preferences

JusticeIsAWoman: is that a problem?

KingOfSurvival: no

KingOfSurvival: I guess I just want to know more about you, but the profiles don’t give much

JusticeIsAWoman: Yeah, kind of the idea of this whole anonymous thing

He had the distinct impression she was teasing him. Oliver tried to picture a voice to the words; a bit dry, maybe with a hint of a smirk playing at her lips.

KingOfSurvival: right

JusticeIsAWoman: what about you? What’s your preference?

KingOfSurvival: I’ve only ever dated women

JusticeIsAWoman: And I’ve only dated guys. Doesn’t mean you can’t know yourself

She had him at that. Definitely not anything he’d ever thought about.

The door at the top of the steps opened, and Roy called out a greeting to John. Oliver wasn’t too keen on letting him see him on an unfamiliar app, so he typed a quick message.

KingOfSurvival: gotta go

JusticeIsAWoman: running away from self-discovery?

KingOfSurvival: more like to my sort-of-employment

He hit the home key to minimize the app and locked his phone, tucking it away in his pocket. Then he walked back over to rejoin his two friends.

“He’s got some problems with his bank or something,” Roy was saying.

John looked to him. “What kind of problems?”

“It’s not that serious,” Oliver tried to dismiss, not really wanting to have to come up with something believable on the spot.

“You were on the phone for a while,” Roy pointed out.

“I was just working on how to say what I needed to.”

The others fortunately let it drop, but it was an early lesson he’d needed to learn. Oliver would have to watch himself when it came to contacting his online friend. He couldn’t afford to get too distracted if he wanted this to remain as much of a secret as it could get.

—-

Joanna waved her arm as she spotted Laurel entering the small cafe. It had a small selection of sandwiches and salad, but it was a fair distance between both their offices, which made it the ideal place to meet up like this.

Her friend made her way over, and Joanna stood to accept a strong hug. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Laurel was smiling, which was a good sign. She’d begged off their meetup last month saying she was swamped — which Joanna had known meant something more than work was happening. She hadn’t wanted to push, and she was glad she’d held back for now as Laurel seemed to be doing okay.

Though as they pulled apart, she couldn’t help noting, “Have you been lifting weights? Your arms are toned!”

“I started going to a gym,” Laurel answered, a grin on her lips. “Thanks for noticing.”

“It’d be hard not to.”

They both sat down. “How’ve you been?” Laurel asked.

“About the same. Busy a lot, but it pays the bills.” She paused to look over the little laminated menu at their table. “My mom’s thinking about downsizing, so I might pull some overtime to save up some money for her moving out.”

“Is she staying in the city?”

“She might go out a little to the suburbs. Nowhere too far away.”

Joanna made up her mind on her order and passed the menu to Laurel. Shortly after, they were approached by a server who took down their choices.

“So what’s new with you?”

“Oh,” Laurel looked like she didn’t know what to say for a moment. “Just, you know, working out more. Um, actually I started talking to this guy on that app.”

Of all the things she’d expected to hear, this was not it. Joanna leaned forward in her seat. “Really? How’s it going?”

“It’s...better than I expected.” The strangest sort of expression was playing around the corners of her friend’s mouth, like she wasn’t sure whether to smile or not.

“We’re not dating or anything,” Laurel was quick to add. “We just...talk. And it’s nice. I mean, he’s funny — a bit goofy at times, really — and we listen to each other’s problems. I mean, we don’t go into too many details, but it helps. I think if I knew him in real life, we’d be really good friends.”

“And you thought I was crazy signing you up for that thing.”

Laurel rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, Joanna de la Vega knows all once again.”

Joanna didn’t bother to hide a smug smile. “You’re welcome.”

Their food arrived, and they both fell quiet as they dug in to their meals. As she ate, though, something kept bothering her.

“Laurel, when you say you talk about your problems, is there something going on? Anything you need help with?”

Her friend stared down at her plate. “No, Joanna. I appreciate it, but it’s fine.” She looked up then, and the smile she wore didn’t look forced, but it also didn’t look happy. “I’m handling it, I promise.”

“I just want you to know I’m here for you this time.”

“Well, thank you. But don’t worry. I can promise I’m not in any kind of trouble.”

She dropped it for now. Laurel had admitted she was talking to someone at least, even if they were anonymous. And speaking of…

“So, what do you know about this online guy? Has he given anything away?”

“You know, my father’s the detective. Not me.”

“That’s never stopped you.”

Laurel shared her smirk for a moment before taking some time to think. “He’s about my age. I think he works the night shift somewhere because he always messages me around lunch or early evening, and it takes a while for him to get back to me if I message him later than that. He’s had at least one failed relationship, and it was also not his idea to sign up for this thing which is why it’s worked out that we’re friends.”

“Hm, interesting. Think he works at a hospital? Or a gas station?”

Laurel shook her head, though she was grinning. “Shut up.”

“I’m picturing some beefcake unloading crates down by the docks,” Joanna said before caving to a fit of giggles. Laurel joined in.

They talked about a couple other things, and then it was back to their respective offices. The whole walk back, Joanna couldn’t help congratulating herself for pushing Laurel to get that app.

It felt good to laugh with her friend again.

—-

JusticeIsAWoman: staying friends with my ex was a bad choice

Oliver blinked at the message that had apparently been sent a few hours ago. He’d been out in the field at the time, trying to track down Isaac Stanzler to clear Ted Grant’s name. But now that he had a moment — not of calm, not when Roy now knew the truth of what he’d done while under the Mirakuru — he hoped he wasn’t too late in answering what was obviously a request to vent.

KingOfSurvival: hey, just saw this

KingOfSurvival: sorry about that. Sounds rough

It took a couple minutes to hear back from her.

JusticeIsAWoman: thanks

JusticeIsAWoman: it’s fine, really. I was probably just being a little overdramatic

KingOfSurvival: everything’s ok now?

JusticeIsAWoman: sort of

JusticeIsAWoman: I mean, I know he’s probably still upset but putting a nice face on things. And I’m still frustrated but it honestly just gets too exhausting to fight with him after a while. Not when I don’t actually want to

JusticeIsAWoman: I just wish he’d decide if he hates me or not, because the back and forth is enough to drive a person crazy

JusticeIsAWoman: sorry, I’ll stop talking about it

KingOfSurvival: no, that’s ok. It’s why I’m here

KingOfSurvival: and really, I know what it’s like having an ex-friend

Oliver paused and stared down at the words. Sure, things were tense with Laurel right now, but he still considered her a friend.

KingOfSurvival: wait that didn’t make sense

JusticeIsAWoman: try it the other way round

KingOfSurvival: not sure that’s a phrase, but sure. A friend-ex. I’ve been in a sort of fight with mine for the last couple weeks

JusticeIsAWoman: wanna talk about it?

KingOfSurvival: pretty sure we were talking about your problems

JusticeIsAWoman: I already have the solution to my problems

JusticeIsAWoman: ice cream

He chuckled at that.

KingOfSurvival: sounds nice

JusticeIsAWoman: yeah. So what about you? What are you and your friend-ex in a fight about?

That was a tough one. How did he go about this without outing himself as the Arrow or implicating Laurel in vigilante activities?

KingOfSurvival: she sort of wants to switch jobs, and the new one has a lot of downsides

JusticeIsAWoman: like what?

KingOfSurvival: late hours, safety concerns

KingOfSurvival: she’s not really in a good place right now, and I feel like she’s making a rash decision just for the sake of doing something different. She asked me to help get her foot in the door and I said no

KingOfSurvival: so now she’s mad at me, and I know she has a right to be mad if that’s how she feels, but I wish she’d see I wasn’t doing it because I don’t want her to succeed or anything like that

KingOfSurvival: I just don’t want her going out there and getting hurt

There was a bit of a pause. He wondered if anything he’d written made sense out of context.

JusticeIsAWoman: word of advice — most women don’t like it when you assume you know what they’re thinking

JusticeIsAWoman: or when you make choices for them based on what you think is best

Oliver sighed. He probably should’ve expected that.

JusticeIsAWoman: have you talked to her about why you’re nervous?

KingOfSurvival: a little

KingOfSurvival: look, it’s not that I don’t think she can handle herself, I just care about her too much to see her throw her life away on a dead-end job like I did

He’d hit send before the furious speed of his typing could catch up with him, and seeing the words in print like that struck at something inside him.

One of these nights, his luck would run out, and he was going to die just like Sara. But he’d rather die than see that happen to Laurel first.

JusticeIsAWoman: is that something you’ve told her?

KingOfSurvival: no

KingOfSurvival: but maybe I should

Oliver looked at his watch. It wasn’t too late as to be outrageous for a visit. And he didn’t want to hold onto this thought by himself any longer.

KingOfSurvival: would it be ok if I left you to your ice cream for a while?

JusticeIsAWoman: that’s fine. Didn’t really have other plans

KingOfSurvival: thank you. I promise we’ll get back to your thing

Oliver left the base. He took an extra bit of inspiration from his online friend and stopped by the store on his way to Laurel’s apartment. She was never one to say no to ice cream, after all. He even remembered her preference this time.

Once he arrived, Oliver hesitated a moment in front of the door. Should he really do this? They’d only barely patched things tonight as it was. But if he didn’t say it now, he probably never would. So he raised his fist and knocked.

Laurel didn’t immediately answer. He wondered if perhaps she’d called it a night already, but eventually he heard the lock being undone and then she was standing there in her pajamas.

He lifted his peace offering into her line of sight before she could speak, and Oliver watched her blink in surprise at it.

“Oh. That’s funny.”

“What is?”

She gave a shake of the head. “Nothing. Come in.”

He followed her as far as the sitting room and waited as she continued to the kitchen for bowls and spoons.

“What’s this about?” She asked as she cleared the archway back into view.

“We’ve got to talk about a couple things, and I thought it’d be easier with ice cream.”

“Everything is,” she agreed, helping herself to a small portion before falling back onto her couch cushions. Oliver filled his own bowl and sat across from her in one of the chairs. They ate in a silence that wasn’t exactly easy, but neither was it uncomfortable.

Laurel waited until he’d set aside his bowl before asking, “So, first thing’s first?”

“Roy was wrong. He didn’t kill Sara.”

Laurel’s shoulders relaxed as she let out a breath. “Then why did he…?”

“When he was under the Mirakuru, he lost control and killed a police officer,” Oliver admitted. “I never told him because I knew the guilt — well, I guess it ate away at his subconscious until he convinced himself he had done something wrong.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“It might take some time. But I hope so.” Ironically, this had been the easy part. He drew in a breath and squared his shoulders. “Your training.”

Laurel leaned back and crossed her arms. “I’m not quitting.”

“I didn’t think you were. But I — if you’d just let me say this.”

She waited, silent and expectant.

“This mission, it’s not something I wish I had to do any more than Sara wished to stay with the League. If either of us could have taken back what those years away did to us, the things we had to learn just to survive, we would. Sara hated the person she became, and I…” He wasn’t sure he wanted to finish that thought, not aloud. Laurel was watching him with such open compassion. He hunched forward slightly, fixing his gaze on her coffee table and the remnants of rocky road that were beginning to congeal in their bowls. “I don’t really see a way out of this for me that doesn’t involve the same end she met. And I don’t see how to avoid it, or why I even deserve to.”

“But that isn’t what I see,” she stated, and he found himself looking up at her. “And it’s not what a lot of people out there see. Oliver, they see a hero. They see someone who’s willing to risk it all to do some good. And maybe that’s not fair to expect of you, but that is exactly why so many people want to help you. Diggle and Felicity and Roy,” she listed off. Then Laurel threw one hand up in the air in frustration. “You’ll take Roy out into the field with you because he made that choice. What is so wrong about me wanting to make the same choice?”

“Because you found a way to help people and do good for the city all on your own. One that doesn’t involve risking your life. And you’ve been doing it before I ever got on the Gambit,” he reminded her. “Why is that not enough anymore?”

“Because you proved it,” she said, and Oliver drew back. He wasn’t sure whether she wanted to laugh or scream at him, but she was agitated enough to get up and start pacing in front of her coffee table. “This city was falling apart before you came back. And if you hadn’t, we would have lost the entirety of the Glades to Malcolm Merlyn, and his plan would’ve worked. Not that I’d be here to see it,” Laurel added with a finger raised in the air. “The cops and the DA’s office haven’t been enough to fight the corruption or to protect the people who need it most. That’s the whole reason you do what you do!”

She stopped in front of him.

“Sara’s killer is never going to be brought into a courtroom. They will never face justice from the law, just like so many others. And knowing all that, you expect me to just...sit there?”

He didn’t have an argument for that. She was right.

But there was one last thing he could try. “Maybe the Arrow was necessary for the city. But Laurel, I would never ask you to share that kind of burden.”

“You asked Roy.”

“Roy needed something to believe in. Structure. He was spiraling out of control with no way to focus his anger. But if he’d never been injected with the Mirakuru, I might never have brought him in on this,” he confessed. “This mission, it consumes you. I don’t have a job or a relationship. I don’t talk to anyone who doesn’t already know the truth — I’m living in the same loft as my sister, but we barely exchange more than a few words with each other because I have nothing I can tell her. Because I have no life of my own, just the secrets.”

Laurel slowly took a spot on the couch next to him. He appreciated that; it felt less like he was being looked down on with pity.

“I’m not about to just quit my job. I love being a lawyer, and I fought hard to get back to that last year,” she reminded him. “It’s all about balance. Roy works at the club, Felicity has Palmer Tech, John is seeing Lyla and raising a daughter, all while the mission is still important to them. Those are things you can have, too. Maybe not all of them all of the time, but you are not required to give up your own life for this city.”

Oliver wanted to say that he had tried; running the company last year, seeing Felicity. But he just couldn’t make it work the way the others did. With him, it was all or nothing. He didn’t know a better way.

“That drive, that determination, it’s what people — people are inspired by that. But maybe the reason you’re so unsatisfied with the mission is because you’re so focused on the criminals and the things they’re doing to the city that you’re not seeing the good,” Laurel said. “Crime is still at an all-time low. You can run through a park and not worry about a mugging. Drug use is down in minors and young adults. The Verdant is only the first of a growing number of clubs that has declared itself drug-free — excepting alcohol,” she added wryly.

“Wouldn’t be very good for business,” he said.

“Why not take a night off and spend it upstairs with your sister instead of the basement? See people.”

She made it sound easy. Laurel always did, and maybe that was his problem. He was so sure she would fail because he’d failed, but that was never what Laurel did. A failure was only a setback to her.

“Anytime between 11:30 and 2:00 is a good time for me to take my lunch, if you call ahead.”

Oliver looked over at her, thrown by this random statement. Laurel stared right back, utterly calm.

“We need to get you out of that cave more.”

“It’s not a cave,” Oliver replied automatically.

“Does it really matter?”

He opened his mouth to argue but found he had little to say.

Oliver knew she had a point. Not about the name of the base. But he needed more than the team to ground him and an anonymous person to share his thoughts with. He needed something real, something he didn’t have to hide. He just didn’t know if he deserved that anymore.

It was getting late, and they both knew it. Laurel showed him to the door, but before he could get two steps down the hall, she was calling out to him. “Ollie.”

He turned back.

“Tell Thea I said hi.”

Oliver felt the corner of his mouth lift in a smile. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

He’d really forgotten just how much better he could feel after spending time with Laurel and how much he’d missed it. Lord knew it was almost entirely his fault they’d had such a strained relationship the last few years, but maybe that could change. They’d both lost so much, and if Laurel was willing to still have him in her life, then Oliver realized it was up to him to be the best friend possible. She deserved that and far more.

He thought about telling his online friend of his success but decided to let her have her own ice cream night to herself. They could always talk tomorrow.

[noteatingfortwo]

A Birth Experience

Bags packed, we were ready to go to Oxford for the weekend to help Nic’s friend Ian sort out his stuff having had to leave for Singapore in a hurry and as an excuse of a final weekend getaway before baby arrived.

Of course, in the Valolas world this meant that baby was likely to come this weekend.

25th July 6am, I awoke with period cramps. From reading a number of positive birth stories, I knew this was an early sign of labour, but partially in denial and not wanting to defer from our weekend getaway plans, I pushed these aside. However, my body had other ideas and continued down the labour track as I got up to go to the loo from slight leakage. Again, I tried to sleep through this, and the cramps, but at 9am, as if to confirm it was really happening, I had heavier leakage and a sticky clear mucus on tissue, which could only be my mucus plug. I also felt the urge to do a poo but nothing came.

After telling Nic and giving Ian a quick call, we decided instead to do a day trip to Oxford as from this point labour could still be a day or two away. Perhaps instinctively I knew that baby would arrive early as I had worked late into the night the previous night to finish off the project profitability report for work which gave me slight closure. However, it was still 2 weeks before our due date of 8th August and we weren’t quite ready.

We loaded up the car and headed out on our way to Oxford, stopping off for a hearty MacDonalds sausage mcmuffin along the way. It was as if the universe was trying to tell us something! I have always thought God has a sense of humour, particularly when it comes to us but he dropped us a number of hints. First there was the dad licence plate on a car in front of us, then talk about babies on the news and finally a billboard with ‘Nappy Days’ advertised. 

We arrived in Oxford some 2.5 hours later. Ian’s apartment was nice; overlooking the river and I suddenly felt slight FOMO at not being able to live out my weekend getaway - the tapas place I had booked for dinner, the Cotswolds walk I had planned for the Sunday etc. Still, we continued with the task at hand, sorting out Ian’s stuff into throw, recycle and ship piles. Midway through and when we were contemplating whether to go out for lunch or order in, I felt a trickle and rushed to the loo. It was as I had read in books, heard from NCT and in our positive birth company videos - a ‘straw coloured discharge’. It wasn’t the Hollywood gush of water but my waters had indeed broke at around 1pm. 

This set Nic into action mode as he called Ian to enable Plan B. Nic handed an unfriendly, unenthusiastic Singaporean, a fellow course mate of Ian’s the keys and informed her that I was in labour, to which she responded ‘poor thing’ and with that we were back on the road home.  

Along the way, I managed to call Lewisham Birth Centre at the hospital to let them know my waters broke to which they asked us to come in to check. We arrived at the hospital at 4pm, no contractions but they confirmed my waters had indeed broken and after doing a vaginal examination (ouch!) also confirmed I was not dilated but I was to return in 24 hours if not earlier if there was no immediate onset of labour. Since there was no immediate rush, we took this opportunity to go to Tesco to do a quick grocery shop for when we returned home from the hospital (which I was expecting to be Sunday 26th at the latest), even buying a birthday cake as Julia from NCT had suggested (I was not baking one!). 

Back home, we realised in all the excitement, we had skipped lunch but anticipating a long wait ahead, filled up on an early dinner of tortellini with spinach in a mascarpone sauce whilst watching Netflix. Also anticipating that I would go into labour in the next 24 hours, I did a quick email handover at work so I could have closure and wrote my love letter/card to Nic. 

I ate a quarter pack of dates to hopefully naturally induce labour and finally around 9pm, I started to get very mild contractions maybe 10 -15 minutes apart. I was hopeful that this was all the pain I was going to feel and that the pain was overrated but unfortunately I was in store for so much more. I bounced around on my birth ball, knelt down by the bed as the contractions came closer and closer together and I monitored them on my contractions app. By 10pm, I started to get 3 every 10 minutes, a prerequisite of getting admitted into the hospital. I endured this for an hour and a half, feeling quite proud and also hopeful that once at the hospital, as in seemingly all of the positive birth stories I had read, I would be able to find out I was so far dilated that birth was imminent. My dreams were crushed when upon another vaginal examination in hospital, I found I was only 3cm dilated. 

We were led into a birth centre room anyway and pretty much left to our own devices. It was a nice set up, though chilly, with a double bed, sofa, birthing pool and a private room. We made ourselves comfortable putting up fairy lights, music on and working through my contractions together as they got stronger and stronger. 

The rest was all a blur. The contractions got progressively stronger and less manageable. I kept feeling like I wanted to go to the toilet but was unable to. Nic was my rock and strength all the way, feeding me bits of croissant to keep my strength up, holding me through the contractions, if I had to do it myself, think I would have just broken down. I went from wanting a completely natural birth to taking all the pain killers they offered me - paracetamol, codeine, pethidine and of course gas and air. 6 hours later, they measured how far I was dilated again, still 3cm. I was close to breaking point after hearing that and in so much pain. The pethidine gave temporary relief as I tried to ‘rest’ between contractions. 

I kept getting the ‘urge to push’ that was talked about on all of the positive birthing company videos except that they told me specifically NOT to push as my cervix wasn’t dilated and this basically meant I would be pushing against a wall which would bleed. It was excruciating pain but somehow I got through this through inhaling gas and air like my life depended on it.

Next thing I knew, I was being measured again. 9cm dilated. I felt a sense of relief, like I wasn’t imagining that the contractions were indeed getting stronger and more intense. Still I had to wait for that last cm. Chris (a midwife with pink hair) and another lady came in to monitor me and baby every 15 minutes. To allow baby room to descend further, they had to empty my bladder with a catheter but baby was apparently sitting on my urethra and so they poked and prodded around and were unable to find it. IT WAS EXTREMELY PAINFUL. Another two senior midwives came in to help with this, I inhaled gas and air so violently that I was almost scared it would give me brain damage as I almost blacked out with the light headedness. I vaguely remember 4 midwives standing over me with Nic holding my hand beside me and a curly haired one telling me I was doing so well. I didn’t feel like I was doing well and badly wanted it to be over. At last I was able to feel temporary relief from them finally managing to connect the catheter and release my bladder.

9cm dilated meant I was able to finally go into the water bath. It was warm and I felt temporary relief as Nic held my hand and I managed my contractions in the water, still holding back the urge to push. Finally, I got the go ahead from the midwife to push. However, at this point it was around 11am on 26th July and I was so exhausted from no sleep and barely any food that I had little energy left to push, I sucked on the energy sweets, hoping that it might bring me that boost of energy I needed. Sadly, though I moved in position to push in the water, the contractions had slowed and I pushed with all my might to no avail. This definitely was not the ‘urge to push’ and breathing the baby out through down breathing as we had watched in hypnobirthing. 

After trying in the water for ages with the encouragement and direction of the two midwives, we decided to try pushing on the bed. They were both getting increasingly worried about the risk of infection given that my waters had broken more than 24 hours before and so called in the senior midwives for assistance as well. I was completely drained of energy, but tried my best to stay motivated to push. They could barely see the head of baby though and apparently her head was turned, in a back to back position so we needed to turn her before she could come out although they kept reassuring me they could literally feel her head right at the entrance. I had to give up the gas and air so I could push better so the pain was the worst I had ever experienced. I tried different positions, on my side, on my back, on a toilet like seat, on my other side but nothing worked. They gave me energy in the form of HP ready salted crisps in between contractions and the midwives were so good in motivating me to march and squat to urge the contractions on to give a boost to the pushing. I pushed so hard that I squeezed Nic and the midwife’s hand probably to breaking point. But still no progress. It was beyond disappointing. All through this though, baby somehow remained calm and her heartrate was normal which was reassuring.

From there, there was no choice but to wheel me upstairs to the delivery suite for intervention. I was put on a hospital bed and immediately several people came around me offering this, that and the other. The contractions were still coming but at lower frequency and they encouraged me to continue pushing but I was completely drained of energy. I was to be given some kind of spinal epidural and the baby was to be turned around by forceps and brought out. The staff were very matter of fact and I was wheeled into the operating theatre very quickly for fear of risk of infection.

The operating theatre was as scary as it looks on Greys’ Anatomy. There were at least a dozen people surrounding me. They introduced themselves one by one but I couldn’t take it all in. It was intimidating and I just wanted it to be over. I was given the injection in my spine and told not to move. They tested it was worked by spraying a cold spray from my waist down and asking if I could feel it. I couldn’t. It was a scary feeling in itself, not being able to feel your own lower body but this also meant I couldn’t feel the pain of the contractions. I remember touching my leg and thinking I had touched someone else and so apologised but looking up and seeing it was my own legs up in stirrups. 

From here, while they worked on me below, I decided to shut my eyes to shield myself from the blood and whatever they were doing down there. They made a cut - an episiotomy to assist with the giant forceps they were going to shove up there. Nic was on my left side but I could barely focus. A woman had her hand on my stomach to feel the contractions for me and directed me to push. I tried so hard to ‘push’; there was no sensation or feeling of pushing or even direction when she asked me to imagine doing the biggest poo I had ever done, there was simply nothing down there.

At last, I heard them vaguely say they could see the head. I had pushed the head out! I couldn’t feel anything and there was the sensation that I was in fact watching this happen to myself from up above. Then with a few more contractions, I ‘gently’ pushed the rest of the body out. I felt a little emptiness inside my belly. They lifted baby up and congratulated us. Nic teared up. I think I teared but partially out of relief. I felt so distanced from the experience and delirious. Nic went to cut the umbilical cord and they brought baby over to the scales to weigh her and do their checks. I thought I heard her cries but was so faint, I closed my eyes. I heard them busying around me, counting up the pieces of equipment, at one point it seemed like they had lost a piece of rag, I shut this out mentally. They helped me deliver the placenta and sewed me up for what seemed like ages. I was told I had lost 1.3 litres of blood when the norm is 500ml. It was all just a blur until they put baby, all red and covered in white gunk on top of me. 6.34pm she was born weighing a mere 2.64kg.

We had done it! Baby was out in the world and alive and kicking! I felt such relief and couldn’t believe she was really ours! She was so much smaller and skinnier than I had imagined, I couldn’t believe she was really here!

[sinkingorswimming]

The Cosplay AU I need a name for

(Previous parts found on my cosplay au tag!)

It’s maybe two weeks after Otakon when Yuuri checks his email. He has stuff from his school about prepping for the incoming school year and a message from his class President about a seniors only gathering at the Party Bridge near campus.

He also sees one, subject: HI! <3 from sender vmnikforov@gwu.edu.

Yuuri immediately slams his laptop closed.

He covers his mouth with his hands and squeaks. His best buddy (who is not human) comes bounding off his bed to his desk with concern. Vicchan, his reddish brown toy poodle (yes, named after guess who) is Yuuri’s favorite thing in the world. 

He gets his phone, opens the mail app. Right there in the inbox, marked unread. HI! <3, sender vmnikiforov@gwu.edu.

Yelping, Yuuri closes his eyes and opens the email like it’s a bomb.

Hi, Yuuri! This is Victor, from Otakon? I saw your email on your entry form---hope you don’t mind! Anyways, I have a project in mind for Katsucon in February, and I thought you might be interested in partnering up with me! I know you usually work with your friend, but this is a special idea I’ve had for forever and I feel like after seeing your work up close, you’re the perfect fit! 

If you’re able, I’d like to get together soon to begin discussion---it’s going to be tricky to source some of the materials, especially the lace! Can we meet for dinner this weekend? Say, Saturday at six, The Source on Pennsylvania---it’ll be my treat!

Thanks, talk to you soon! <3

Victor

Yuuri screams. He’s home alone---his mom is at her book club with her old friend, Minako, his dad is golfing at Lansdowne, and his sister is away for the week with her college friends---so he doesn’t need to come up with a lie about the reason for the screams.

He calls number three on his favorites, though.

“Hey, this is Phichit,” he answers on ring #2.

“Oh my God,” Yuuri cries. “Oh my God, he wants a costume, me, us, a pair---oh my God.”

“...What?” Phichit answers.

“VICTOR EFFING NIKIFOROV WANTS TO DO A PAIR COSPLAY WITH ME,” Yuuri shouts.

“Holy shit,” Phichit replies.

“Right?” Yuuri tries to slow his heart. “What do I say? I don’t...it’s not you, it’s a pairs thing, I don’t---”

“Okay, whoa, stop,” Phichit replies. “You are not contractually obligated to only ever cosplay with me. You can do a thing with him, I’m not offended as long as you don’t completely abandon our partnership. I’ll probably do that Bleach outfit you have no interest in, it’s fine! Do the thing!”

“You sure?” Yuuri says.

“Yeah, but I’ll need your help,” Phichit says. “I can sculpt the actual Bankai stuff myself, but sewing the uniform is a little above my pay grade.”

“No problem,” Yuuri says with a sheepish grin. “Okay. Um---I better email him back. Thanks, Phichit. You’re a peach.”

“Yup, sure am!” Phichit laughs. “Talk to you later---my mom needs help with the pool.”

“Can I come swim later?” Yuuri asks.

“Yup! Leo and Guang-Hong are coming, Seung Gil maybe too. I’ll text you a time. Later, skater.” Phichit hangs up.

Yuuri reopens his computer like it’ll bite his hand off. 

Hi, Victor,

I’d love to meet with you! I’ll google the address and take the Metro. My cell is 571-585-1090 if you need to change plans or are running late. 

See you Saturday!

Yuuri

It’s Thursday. He can...be cool for two days.

Actually, no he couldn’t, as was evidenced by his mother on Friday night during their evening ritual of Catan begging him to try to stay still. He did not. Therefore his dad made him forfeit his sheep. 

Catan is an equilizer in the Katsuki household.

Yuuri can’t sleep, his nerves buzzing too much even though he played white noise through the headphones in his iPhone. Did nothing. Vicchan slept like everything was normal. 

Yuuri gets up way too early, obsesses way too long over his clothing, finally deciding he was as good as he can get, drives to the Silver Line, and begins the trek to the District. He gets off at the correct stop, walks to the restauant, and immediately regretts all of his choices up until that moment including being born. 

He is in a nice pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It’d a Wolfgang Puck dim sum restaurant. Oh no why, Victor will think he lacks culture.

“Yuuuuuri!” calls a happy, familiar voice. 

Yuuri starts and his eyes go wide. 

Victor stands before him in a linen dress shirt and a pair of salmon colored pants. His hair and skin are flawless. His eyes are beautiful. Yuuri’s heart stops and restarts. “Hi,” he manages. The shyness comes to the forefront. He wants---he isn’t sure, but...it’s something more than a hello.

He gets a hug. Victor grabs him like they’re old friends, and Yuuri hesitates but hugs him back. He pauses and takes a moment to inhale his scent---it’s not that shitty sandwalwood the douchebags at his school wear, it’s lighter...like lemon balm. 

Victor keeps a hand low on his waist as he steers him to request a table. They get a cute one for two like it’s a date. (Is it a date? Did Victor mean this as a date? Thirteen year old Yuuri will die of joy if it’s a date. It in no way can be a date.)

Victor smiles, looking like Yuuri just gave him a rainbow. “I’m glad you came,” he says.

Yuuri chokes on his water. “Uh, thanks? Um...me too.”

Victor grins. “I guess I should get down to business first. Unfortunately, it has to come before...pleasure.” 

Yuuri pushes up his eyeglasses. He nods. 

Victor pulls up an image on his phone, passing it to Yuuri. Yuuri peers down at it---it’s an elaborate fanart of Fuuma and Kamui from X/1999. They have very detailed wings, there’s obvious hand beading and embroidery on their outfits, and they’re perfectly tailored. Fuuma is in white, Kamui black, and there are red ribbons cascading off both of them. “Red string of fate,” Yuuri says out loud. 

“You spotted that,” Victor replies with a grin.

“I’ll have to get help from Phichit on the wings, I’ve never done them on my own,” Yuuri continues. 

“I have, that I can handle,” Victor says. “It’s more how finely tailored the outfits are. My tailoring is always a bit weak, so I tend to do costumes that don’t have quite such an emphasis. I have access to embroidery machines on campus, so I can have you come up to work on those. It’ll be more expedient.”

“The beading I can do in class, the home ec department is out of stuff to teach me so they just let me bring in my projects,” Yuuri admits. 

Victor gives him a look. “Wow,” he says. “And you’re...just in...high school.”

“Hm, well I turn eighteen Thanksgiving day this year,” Yuuri says. “I need to figure out college stuff soon, as a matter of fact.”

“You should come here!” Victor blurts.

Yuuri starts and looks up. “Um...”

“The Corocoran,” Victor clears up with a blush on his cheeks. “They have a production focus in their Theater program. You could...major in costuming? It’s...well, it’s an idea.”

Hm. 

“Phichit’s applying there,” Yuuri says as he zooms back in on the image. CLAMP and their Christian idolatry, yikes. “He’s going into the fine arts. I guess I could think about it.”

“I just think it’d be nice to have you around school with me,” Victor says. His finger glides over the rim of his glass in a slow pattern. “Chris Giacometti is in the photography department, but...I’d like seeing you every day too. Just think about it.”

Yuuri meets his eyes and...no, he’s imagining it. He clears his throat. “You want to make these for Katsucon?” 

“Mmhmm,” Victor says. He ordered them the duck, and it arrives, smelling crisp and mouth-watering. Yuuri is starving, he realizes. He looks at Victor again, this gorgeous guy even out of cosplay and make up and Photoshop and he---

He blushes and focuses on his dinner.

Victor chats the whole time, Yuuri chiming in where appropriate. When they finish and Victor pays as promised, he takes him on a walk. It’s late enough the murky, humid swampland that is DC has become manageable to walk around, and it’s not even ten minutes to the Mall from the restaurant. 

Yuuri mostly sees shots of the Tidal Basin at night from the end credits of his favorite local news program, but Victor escorts him there with a hand on his back as he extols the virtues of his university as well as his skills at sewing. Yuuri listens and smiles with pink cheeks, telling Victor about what he likes to do besides cosplay---video games with his friends, late nights at the Amphora diner in Reston, checking out Starland in Annandale. 

Victor opens up about his parents---his father a supervisor for a lab at Langley, his mom in the State Department, his dog Makkachin who he moved off campus into a pet-allowing studio as quickly as possible to keep by his side, how he misses the local chain called Another Universe and how he’s considering Dragoncon next year to branch out into film and American comics costumin.

They both marvel at how many times they’ve come to the annual Sakura Matsuri in their very spot at this moment and somehow never met.

The lights are pretty, the stars reflect in the water like sequins embellishing a black velvet gown, and Yuuri with all his heart longs for this to be a date. 

He’s imagining it---but some moments, it looks like Victor feels the same.

They head back to the Metro by the Newseum---Victor to GWU, Yuuri to Tysons. “Let’s do again this soon,” Victor says.”We can meet at G Street, see what our local options are, and head to my apartment for more planning.”

“Okay,” Yuuri agrees. Victor’s apartment, he exalts in his head.

“Ah, Yuuri---” Victor adds. “I have a Gaylord room for Katsu, a nice one with a view. Would you like a spot in it? There’s room for one more.”

“Oh um---” Yuuri stumbles. He’s never stayed overnight at a con before, but he’ll be 18 then. His mom and dad can’t refuse, though they’d probably want to meet Victor for reassurance.“Yes.”

“Okay,” Victor says, his smile shaped like a big heart. “Talk to you soon! I’ll text!”

“See you,” Yuuri says.

They part ways, and Yuuri can’t sleep for the second night in a row, his heart pounds so hard as his smile threatens to split his face.

[rambeautan]

Hello there, this was written in conjunction with Levihan Spook-fest 2017. So for the first week the prompts are as below and I chose the dreams/nighmare prompt for this week. Since there are five prompts I decided to write a five chapter story as my contribution. 

Prompt : Week 1 : i)horror movies    ii)dreams/nightmares    iii)fog

Rules: Tag your stuff as #levihan, #levihan spook fest, #levihanweek

Synopsis : Hange Zoe is a scientist in the Survey Corps, a subset of the military force protecting the Fritz Empire, one of humanity’s surviving galaxy empire housed in a man made planet system. ‘Wall’ Maria, Sina and Rose are three layers of galactic defense on the exterior of the planet system, long developed by the ancestors of the Empire to protect the rulers and their people from a race of aliens called Titans. Levi is one of the soldiers stationed in these protective walls which are actually protective shields measuring thousands of kilometres in diameter. Wall Maria is the outer most circle of defense, followed by Wall Rose and Wall Sheena the last circle of defense. Wall Sina encircles the planet system where the ruler and noblemen lives and also where the man made sun is.

This is going to be a five chapter story and maybe with an epilogue to tie things up. It's Levihan time!

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

Chapter 1

Hange had wailed at the sight of her alien specimen disintegrate into steam and wafted into the galaxy. However when she remembered that she had at least managed to take photographs of the alien’s severed finger the size of her palm, she quieted down and began sobbing. She knew that the alien’s main body was now badly injured which caused it’s finger to disintegrate. There was so much alien things she needed to discover but the alien they called titan was easily damaged so it was crucial she collect data as soon as she could.

Behind her Levi kept the alien or Titan badly injured but alive by keeping on the defense instead of offense. Levi kept the titan alive as Hange examined its finger in the background. But then Commander Keith Shadis had arrived abruptly and upon seeing the absurd scene ordered that the Titan be killed off instantly. Hange had begged for the Titan to be kept in lock up for her to examine further but the Titan proved to be too tough to be capture after it was injured and Commander Shadis did not want any casualties for the sake of science. So Levi upon Shadis’ order had sliced the Titan’s nape and killing it and along with Hange’s specimen too.

The whole shenanigan lasted about an hour and Hange was punished for prolonging an attack longer than necessary. She was put on pribation by being shipped to Stohess Universitt for the remainder of the year. She had pleaded with Captain Erwin and Commander Shadis but they maintained that she was out of line this time and they had no expenses for science experiments this year and told her to come back early next year.

Hange had only notebooks and photos from the experiment. That was a few months ago and Hange was looking forward to return to Shiganshina, the planet near wall Maria starting next year. She had only a few weeks left to stay here and she was already storing her things in the metal storage she was shipping to Shiganshina prior to her trip back there. Her few months probation here at Stohess had made Hange more determined about researching the Titans, a race of enlarged humanoid creatures who made eating humans as a hobby.

The scientist was reminiscing her memories months ago while closing her experiments she was finishing at Stohess University. She would certainly miss the days of lecturing her students on Titan biology which was never a part of the curriculum anyway. The Vice Chancellor of the University had reprimanded her for always being out of topic but she was just reprimanded, as her students had good scored in the final examination last week. Hange had handed in her resignation letter and expected that the VC will not miss her, but instead the VC had welcomed her back should she find her duties at Shiganshina boring.

Hange had vowed to follow the rule this time and not succumb to her love of Titan knowledge to overpower her like before.

Hange opened her communication tablet which everyone affectionately calls the comms tab, and proceeded to check her emails. She rarely ever emails Levi knowing that her former colleague would only read and reply to it later. But she did not care as Levi sould always reply to her unlike her other colleagues.

To : levi@levi@wingsoffreedom.army

From : hangezoe@stohessuniversity.edu

Hey clean chibi,

I missed you and the Titans. I hope you can meet me up when i return as it’s less than a fortnight to 2854, and I am returning to Shiganshina. I won’t be able to celebrate new year there since Commander S told me that my probation ended this year, and tickets were sold out on New Year.  Hey, I just remembered that your birthday is just round the corner, so how are you celebrating then? Anyways hope you have a nice birthday and see you soon.

Hange

Hange closed her comms tablet and packed her things into her bag. A soak in the bathtub would be a good way to prepare for the end of the day. Hange got up and strapped the bag onto her body and stretched. She left her room where she works at coming with weekly teaching plans and headed for home. She was taking this easy the teaching thing. It was mainly because the day had come and she would be back to being the junior scientist at Wall Maria, dabbling in Titan science and getting her hands dirty with blood and sweat while discovering which she had sorely missed.

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

“Hange Captain, wake up the Titan had regenerated and is escaping!” someone screamed into her ears. Hange woke up and found herself asleep in her laboratory’s desk. She immediately perked at the mention of titan and turned back to see where the titan could be. She had not been touching a titan for months … Suddenly she felt her body being kicked into a corner but before she could land someone caught her and they swung away outside of the building.

The man made sun was shining brightly and Hange was elated to discover that she was back at Shiganshina. The someone who had grabbed her quickly pushed her aside. “Late nights again Hange? Your shitty ears never heard the titan alarm?” the person said.

Hange landed on grass and turned to have a better look at the person and locked eyes with a pair of grey eyes which looked pointedly for a few seconds at her before flying away. Hange was relieved to see that it was Levi and proceeded to shout at him, “Kill em all this time, I won’t be needing a specimen.” She looked at Levi as the lieutenant launched himself into the air with rockets fitted into his sides. He had laser blades in his hands and activated them as he landed on the titan’s neck. Hange had greatly learned from her past behaviour to always listen to orders and watched as the titan still in chains ran amok at the Survey Corps.

Levi flew and chucked his blades into the titan’s eyes blinding the alien. The blue skinned alien which Hange estimated to be at least a 15 metres class covered its wounded eyes with its hands. Hange cheered for Levi to finish it off. At the back of her mind she was sighing that another specimen is loss but this titan would be more difficult to handle when injured so better to kill it off.

So Levi as usual spun his blades around and aimed straight for the nape and Hange watched with wide eyes as the Titan took away one of its hand from its eye and smacked Levi away. Levi nearly got hit but his awesome reflex enabled him to escape in time. Hange clapped her hands in nervousness, the titan can’t be that quick without its sight and while injured right? She did not know much about abnormal titan like this so she could only wish that Levi was fast as usual. But the titan turned around as if it saw levi flying away and grabbed Levi’s foot with its other hand and smashed Levi into the ground. In a swift second it stomped Levi with its feet and the other soldiers come attacking right after.

Hange couldn’t believe her eyes at the fact that the puddle of gore was Levi. Levi was dead, hailed as humanity’s strongest, and he was defeated just like that by a lab titan. The other soldiers quickly attacked the titan, shooting its hands and legs in a group attack. Hange ran to the spot she last saw Levi being stomped and saw his body, flat on the earth and blood everywhere. She knelt beside the body, she tried to look for the eyes she had looked at earlier, where were they? But in the bloody mess she could only see flattened survey corps uniform and matted hair. Someone was shouting and Hange breathed hard, she looked above and saw the titan foot coming fast at her and….

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷ Hange splashed in her bathtub and got soap and bubbles in her eyes. She quickly wiped away the soap and looked around and she was no longer in the fields at Shiganshina, she was back at her room in Stohess. It took a few seconds for Hange to get back to reality and realized that she was not dreaming. She slinked back into the bath tub and realized that she had fell asleep and it was all a dream. Hange lifted her body up and grabbed for her comms tab and wiped away at the layer of water covering the monitor. She looked around and saw that her bathtub walls were quite dirty and made a mental note to hire help to clean her bathroom before she left Stohess. There was a notification on her email apps and quickly opened it.

Her lips curved into a smile as she saw that Levi had replied to her. She looked at the time and saw that Levi’s shift must have just ended.

To : hangezoe@stohessuniversity.edu

From : levi@surveycorps.army

Shitty glasses,

Do you still wear those glasses or have you had lasik? The titans were missing you too. Good to know you are coming back, grab some Stohess organic tea for me if you are able. I am celebrating my birthday with Kenny just staying at home.

Captain Levi.

She leaned back into her bathtub and closed her eyes. She was relieved to know that Levi was alive in reality, he was humanity’s strongest after all so the only time he would be dead now would only be in her dreams.

Hange opened her eyes and rubbed the place beside her nose bridge where her glasses usually rested, she was never ever going to wear contact lenses nor resort to lasik for now. She was only 29 and glasses never bothered her so far, not when she was experimenting on titan at Maria nor while she was leading a boring life here at Stohess. She did not want to admit to Levi that she was missing the Shitty Glasses nickname he had for her, though she was sure it was more an insult rather than a fond nickname. But she did not care, as long as Levi was alive and wanting to be her friend, she was ok. He was the only who sometimes let her experiment on field, letting her inspect titan parts while he battled them. His only condition was that no one was going to get killed in the process so she usually found herself experimenting on the last titan alive.

She smiled as she thought about returning to titan science again and this time she was going through the right channel. Taking her away from the titan knowledge was the best punishment for her and she was sure the next time she broke the rules she would probably end up as a school teacher in Sina, which in Hange’s diary is a nightmare.

Closing her eyes she dipped into the now cold bath water and let her mind wander for a bit. But then something struck her. Kenny?

Hange frowned as she asked herself out loud, “Kenny? Who’s that?” She put aside her comm tab back on the wet bathtub wall and wondered. She had been friends with Levi for a few years but never knew anyone from his life named Kenny. It must be a relative, but so far she never heard Levi having any family and knew that he was an orphan from the Underground, a planet on the other side of the Wall Maria circle where former prisoners reside. Kenny could also be a boyfriend, Hange thought. That made her realize something, Levi was capable of love… Oh? Hange smiled and thought what type of boyfriend would Levi be to his significant other. She got out of the bath with that thought in mind and thought about the moments when Levi was particularly concerned about her, like telling her to bathe constantly, he would definitely be a freaking clean boyfriend. Hange snickered and grabbed her comm tab and made a note to buy Levi a few packs of Stohess tea as souvenir. AO3 Link : http://archiveofourown.org/works/12340803

[cursivesugg]

Brighton || Joe Sugg

Requests are currently [ CLOSED ]

Masterlist can be found [ HERE ]

Word Count: 2.2k+

A/N: This is a request from a while ago that I could never find inspiration for but now here it is, better late than never huh?? Remember, requests take longer to write because I like to make them 100% and a lot longer than my usual imagines, so if you have requested an imagine please be patient, I promise It’ll be posted at some point xo

"M'so sleepy." You mumble, mostly to yourself but partly toward Joe as you walked into his office with the duvet wrapped around your shoulder and your bottom lip jutted out.

He turns his vlogging camera toward you and throws his head back in laughter at the state of you. "Oh my god, you look like Dobby the house elf."

You roll your eyes and tug the heavy quilt closer to your body, grabbing the iPad from his desk before sitting down on the floor with your back against the wall as he continued to explain to his viewers what your plans for the day were. You turn the screen on and go onto the Tumblr app, already logged into your account seeing as Joe wasn't active on his; both a blessing and a curse. You'd pay to watch him scroll down the 'thatcherjoe' tag.

"You wanna tell the viewers what you're gonna be doing this morning, gorgeous?" Joe asks, and you look up from the screen with your face scrunched up. "I'll take that as a no." He chuckles amusedly, turning the phone back to himself and rolling his eyes. "See what I have to put up with every morning guys? Madness." He declares, smiling at the camera for just a second longer before he covered the lens with his end and stopped recording.

You look up from the iPad screen when he stands up to readjust his green screen, biting your lip curiously. "What're you filming?"

He glances down at you and shrugs. "Well, there's finally a new episode of The Walking Dead out for me to film, and then if I've got time I'll probably film another Sims video." You hum in understanding and let your eyes follow him around the room as he begins to set up his equipment. He glances at you over his shoulder and grins. "You staying to watch, love?"

Biting the skin on the inside of your cheek, you nod and push your head into the comforting duvet. "Maybe for a while, but then I need to go pack."

He nods and flicks on one of his umbrella lights making you mean and look away with a wince, only looking up when he crouches down in-front of you and cups your cheeks in his hands, brushing his lips against your and smiling. "Goodmorning, pretty."

"Morning, handsome." You mumble, pulling away from his lips before kissing him quickly once more before he stood back up and walked over to his gaming chair, turning on the camera and his microphone before slipping his headphones onto his ears and filming his intro.

You only managed to stay in the insanely bright room for around twenty minutes before you abandoned the duvet and proceeded to walk around the apartment in just your underwear, which wasn't so much of a rare occurrence as it perhaps should've been. You contemplate whether or not to make food, but breakfast had never really been your forte anyways so you eventually decide not to bother and instead head up to the bedroom to start packing.

Joe was done within the next hour or so, which meant you could finally stop attempting to pack what he needed and instead leave him to sort his own things out as you finalize everything you needed for the day. By the time you were done and had made a quick smoothie for you and Joe to share, the Uber had arrived to take you and Joe to Tanya's, where she was waiting to give you both a life into Brighton.

Luckily Tan only lived around twenty minutes away, and so the uber ride was relatively short, but still long enough for yourself and Joe to have a quiet conversation about the movie you'd both watched the night before as you shared the green smoothie. You pull up to Tanya's house and thank the driver before jumping out and walking up to the front door, knocking twice and sharing a silly look as you waited for the door to be opened.

Tan opens the door with a wide smile on her face as she squeals and pulls you both into quick hugs before beckoning you inside and apologizing for Martha, who was barking at your feet, excited to see you again after what seemed to have been forever. Seeing as you were already slightly late, you can only spend a small amount of time at Tanya's, which was mostly spent having a playfight with Jim on the living room floor which you were ninety-eight percent sure Joe had captured for his vlog.

Soon enough you found yourself sat in the back of Tanya's car with your laptop open in your lap, drafting up a few emails and laughing at Joe as he made a stupid joke before pulling our his phone and holding it up.

"Is this an instagram story or a vlog?" Tanya asks quietly as she watched Joe hold up his phone from the corner of her eye all whilst checking her mirrors. They'd stopped at a red light, and joe had taken that as his chance to continue vlogging.

"A vlog. So we're on route to Brighton." Joe says as he holds the camera higher and Tanya begins to wave. "Tan is at the wheel! We've actually made it, well- I mean, how far into the journey actually are we?" He asks, though before either of the girls could answer he works it out himself. "Like an hour into the journey almost."

"Half an hour." Tanya corrects and Joe nods.

"Half an hour into the journey, and we're still here." He grins, fist-pumping the air as he glanced out of his window for a split second as tan began to talk.

"We're still alive." She smiles widely, tilting her head towards the camera as she spoke.

"Which is surprising since Tan hasn't driven in a bloody long time." You pipe up, closing your laptop and putting it on the seat next to you before leaning forward and smiling at the vlog.

Tan laughs and shakes her head. "No- oh and, also, are we going to get to any big roads?"

Joe nods. "Well, yeah. We're actually gonna be going onto a motorway at one point."

"Do you think we actually will though?" She asks, a frown on her face as she tried desperately to stay positive about the whole situation.

You laugh and nod, causing Joe to tilt the camera toward you. "I'm pretty sure we will, yeah." Tan sighs and chuckles a little when you eye her suspiciously. "When was the last time you drove on a motorway, Tan?"

"About four years ago." She replies, turning back to face the road as you share a look with Joe before sinking back into your seat and smiling to yourself as your boyfriend continues to tease the driver on camera and you proceed to continue writing up a few emails that you'd been ignoring for the past day or so.

The drive was full of laughter and groaning as you got stuck in traffic in Croydon, though you managed to make it through the entire journey without complaining once that it was taking too long, something Joe grinned and praised you on when you arrived at the Zalfie household, much to Tan's amusement.

There was a flurry of hello's and hugs and happy birthday's before everyone piled into the bigger car, Joe, yourself and Tan in the backseats as Zoe and Alfie sat in the front. The two Sugg's both began to vlog at the same time and you couldn't help but laugh when Joe gave up and held his phone down, frowning grumpily as Zoe continued to vlog. "So we've got Joe and (Y/N) in the back, Tan." She draws out Tan's name. "You're like our three kids."

"Incest!" You yelled out in amusement at the exact same moment as Joe yelled, "I'm an astronaut!" Equally as loudly making you groan and cover your ears and nudge him softly. He laughs and wraps his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his side and kissing the top of your head as Alfie begins to back out of the driveway.

You arrived at the hotel in no time, and checking in proved hardly any trouble compared to a few other times you'd had to check into a hotel just for one night. But luck seemed to be on your side that day.

You and Joe walk hand in hand up to the room, having parted ways with the rest of the group in the lobby once everyone had acquired their room keys.

Walking into the room first, you grin widely and place your luggage down onto the queen sized bed before you started checking out the place. Satisfied, you sit on the bed with your legs crossed and a smile of content on your face as you open up your handbag and bring your phone out.

"Tell you what guys, I have made t to my room here in the Artist- oh, what was it called?" He furrows his brows in confusion as he shows the vlog parts of the room.

"Artist Residence." You remind him, your voice soft and a small smile on your face as he glances back at you with a grateful wink.

"Artist Residence, uh, in Brighton. And all this reclaimed stuff looks incredible. And they have Joe's tea, um, 'welcome to the Artist Residence in Brighton. Have a few drinks on us', smiley face." He pans the camera down on the handwritten note as he reads it aloud. "And two drink vouchers. But everything about this room, like, I love the finish. Like this whole vintage type of stuff is incredible."

"It really is beautiful." You add in agreement, nodding your head as Joe turns the camera toward you. "Have you showed them the view yet?"

He shakes his head and clicks his fingers, walking over to the window and beginning to talk about the view and the I360 that was perfectly centre in the view from the window.

Later on that day, you and Joe were walking down the streets of Brighton, your jacket pulled tightly around you and Joe's hand entwined with yours as you walked the short distance from the hotel to the restaurant where everyone was meeting for Zoe's birthday meal.

"I love this place." You say quietly as you walk down the cobblestone path, looking up at Joe as he looked down at you and smiled. "Look how beautiful everything is." Your words are soft as you look up and around at your surroundings, in awe of everything you were seeing.

"Yeah, me too." He nods, and you smile at him gently, tightening your grip on his hand as you use your other to tuck a piece of hair that was tickling your nose behind your ear.

The meal was wonderful, you finally got to catch up with Poppy and Mark after way too long of not seeing them both, and you managed to sneak your present to Zoe inconspicuously under the table. She'd been confused at first, but when you quietly insisted that she just put it into her bag and open it up later on, she gave up asking.

It wasn't anything bad, but you didn't want it to seem like you'd only got her the gist you did just to make yourself seem better in front of others. Instead, you wanted it to be strictly between you and Zoe.

A real silver charm bracelet with Cartier diamonds sat in the velvet box, with five charms hanging from the chain. One representing Nala, a little pug. One representing YouTube, a camera. Another representing your friendship, that one being a single rose. The last two were just as special, and all in all you were proud of the present you'd spent so much time thinking about over the previous few months.

Joe knew that you'd bought her it, of course, and had reassured you so many times that he knew she'd love it, which had calmed your nerves slightly. But when Zoe stood up to go to the bathroom and returned a few minutes later and sat down next to you with a smile, she waited until nobody was looking before leaning in and giving you a quick hug and whispering in your ear. "Thank you so much, (Y/N). I honestly love it."

You couldn't seem to stop smiling, and neither could she, and when you glanced over at Joe, he simply winked at you as if to say 'I told you so' before going back to eating his food and having a conversation with Alfie.

When the meal was over and done with, you all decided to walk down to the beach; which, seeing as by that point everyone was at least a little tipsy, probably wasn't the best of ideas. But nonetheless, when you arrived and almost immediately tripped face first into the pebbles only to be caught by Joe who couldn't help but laugh at your expense along with the rest of the group, you couldn't help but laugh.

You spent a relatively respectable amount of time on the beach, shoving each other towards the water and popping into what felt like at least twenty different vlogs.

The walk back to the hotel you and Joe spent walking behind the others, or well, Joe did anyways. You'd bribed him into giving you a piggy back, and so now you had your legs wrapped around his waist and your chin resting on his shoulder as you breathed softly against his jaw.

"Hey Joe?" You hum, and he turns his head to look you in the eyes curiously. "I love you."

"I love you too, pretty." He grins, and you lean around to kiss him quickly before squeaking and tightening your grip on him as he sped up to catch up with the others. "Hey guys, wait up! My little legs are carrying another pair of little legs now too!"