#anyways i had the biggest panic attack i’ve had in the last few years

[satorhime]

.

[zoe-and-quinn]

Whumptober Day 10

Broken Phone / Stranded / “You said you’d never leave.”

TW: Alcohol, mugging, kidnapping, captivity, disassociation, gun

Casey was drunk on the night he first met Alexei, which was quite a rare occurrence. He had turned 21 a few months ago, but his relationship with alcohol stayed mostly the same. He might have a drink or two at a friend’s party or family holidays, but other than that, he preferred Orange Fanta or a mocktail.

But his best friend had wanted to spend her 21st birthday bar hopping, and he was sort of obligated to come along. 

After the second bar and fourth drink, he made the executive decision to head home. He offered his regrets to the birthday girl, who drunkenly protested before hugging him and thanking him for being there for her.

The plan had been to call an uber from the last bar they planned to drop by, but a quick look at the street signs told Casey he was only a few blocks from his apartment, and the weather was still nice, the last hints of summer persevering before cooler temperatures made themselves known.

He decided to walk.

Even sober, well rested, and prepared, Casey would have a hard time defending himself against a 13-year-old bully asking for his lunch money. He was none of these things, and his attackers were quite a bit larger, scarier, and better trained.

It didn’t take them long for them to beat him to a pulp, grab everything even slightly valuable, and walk off.

Casey, of course, didn’t know that his doom was driving towards him. He thought his biggest threats had left after leaving him for dead.

Maybe that was a bit dramatic. He was bruised, yes, and had a few cuts from the rough asphalt he had fallen on, but the alcohol was definitely blurring his thoughts, making the situation seem a lot more dire than it really was.

The muggers had taken his phone, so he couldn’t exactly call a friend to come pick him up. He was stranded in this alley, at least until he could muster up the strength to get up and stumble the rest of the way home.

He wasn’t ready for that yet. At the moment, he just wanted to lay on the hard ground and feel sorry for himself.

He noticed the dark shape emerging from around a corner, deeper in the ally, and sighed with relief. Someone had heard the assault. Now, he could get some help.

“Excuse me, sir, could I get some help please? I-I’ve been attacked, and-”

“Yes, yes,” the stranger said, sounding impatient. “Let’s get going then, the car’s still on.” He held a hand out to help him out, but Casey hesitated. There was something wrong about this situation.

Rolling his eyes, the stranger grabbed Casey’s wrist and yanked him to his feet. He didn’t let go and began to pull Casey deeper into the ally.

For the most part, Casey went along with him. There wasn’t much else he could do; the man had his wrist in a vice-like grip, and Casey was too beat up to really oppose him (not that he could have done much anyways).

So, when Alexei opened the passenger side door for him, Casey clambered in. He didn’t panic when the stranger locked the door (there were a lot of creeps around tonight), didn’t panic when he started to drive further away from Casey’s house (maybe he was taking him to a hospital), didn’t panic when the man pulled a gun on him and told him to shut the fuck up.

Ok, maybe he did panic a bit then, but he didn’t get shot. So that’s something.

Casey’s mind was doing that strange thing where everything felt plastic and jerky, like life was a stop motion movie with a single frame per second.

By the time he felt real again, Casey was sitting on the cold floor, in a room whose door had no handle. There was another person in the room, sitting next to him, a few feet away. Felix he remembered. They had introduced themself when he was still in the haze.

Felix seemed to notice that Casey had come back. “Hey, Casey. Are you… are you alright?”

Slowly, Casey shook his head. “I… I don’t know what-”

“It’s ok,” Felix soothed, “I can explain everything. I… I know how it feels. To be here suddenly, without explanation. You’re in shock. I get it. Just… just breathe.”

Casey sucked in a shuddering breath, then let it out. “I’m… I’m trapped here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“He took me here.”

“Alexei? Yes. He brought you here.” Felix let Casey have time to process, to work stuff out on his own. They didn’t want to bring the weight down too early.

Casey closed his eyes and sighed. “God, I’m such an idiot. And now… now what? What does he want with me?”

Felix scooted over closer and gently placed their hand over Casey’s. He gripped on tightly, eyes full of fear and confusion and mist, still clearing as his mind caught up with his reality.

“How about I tell you tomorrow,” Felix whispered. “How about we go to sleep and I’ll tell you everything in the morning.”

Slowly, Casey nodded, and Felix helped them over to a mattress in the corner.

In the morning, the terrible, painful truth would be discovered. But that night, Casey had a few hours of relative peace, of ignorant bliss.

That night, he was able to sleep without nightmares.

[shingekinosimpson]

You Had Me At B Minor: Chapter 12

First | Previous | Next

Pairing: Jean Kirschtein x Marco Bodt

Other relationships: Reibert, Springles, Historia x Ymir, Levi x Hange, a smidge of Jearmin

Rating: Mature

Summary: Jean's band needs a new bass player. Cue freckled Jesus.

Warnings/tags: Long fic, slow burn, Jean POV, friends to lovers, British AU with cannon locations, northern Jean, Unsigned band AU, nonbinary Armin, I promise there will be smut eventually! drinking, mentions of death, descriptions of domestic violence, panic attacks, see start of each chapter for more specific trigger warnings

******************************************************************  

Trigger warnings: n/a

What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is circling all 'round the sun What a beautiful dream That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone from me Soft and sweet Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

When I was ten, I made the mistake of telling Eren that Connie really fancied Sasha. We were having one of our usual pissing matches about who was Connie’s best friend (that to my credit HE started) and I started lording it over him that he didn’t know Connie’s biggest secret. He swore blind that he did but wouldn’t tell me what it was, so I knew he was bullshitting. Anyway, after letting him goad me and push my buttons…I let it slip.

He acted like he knew all along, but I saw the way his eyes sparkled as the words tumbled from my idiot mouth. That was lunchtime. By home time, every motherfucker in our class (and some in the year above) knew Connie’s big secret. Eren blamed me, I swore blind it was him and Connie didn’t speak to either of us for the rest of the week.

Eren ‘big mouth’ Jaeger. The obnoxious little shit who couldn’t hold onto anything for longer than a millisecond. I think that was the week I decided he was no longer just an annoyance, but my arch-nemesis.

Fast forward a few years and a couple of emotional breakdowns/breakthroughs later, and we’re walking side by side, on our way to spend a day in town together. To his credit, he’s much better at keeping secrets now – he hasn’t told anyone about my massive crush - but it’s still no surprise that he only lasts as far as the end of his street before he starts grilling me about my night with Marco, that same sparkle in his eyes as he begs me for the juicy details.

“Mate I can tell by your fucking face that something happened! C’mon, spill!”

“Nothing happened! Well nothing like that anyway. Just me making a tit out of myself.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“…I woke up cuddling him.”

“What!? Are you fucking serious?” My silence and pathetic face are confirmation enough and he starts full-on cackling at me, stopping in his tracks to hold his belly for a few seconds. “Aw mate! What did he do? Was he freaked out?”

“Not freaked out, I mean he made a joke about it, but he was obviously pretty embarrassed.” We continue walking and my mind flits back to that moment just before I was fully conscious, and how snug he felt cradled against my chest. I sigh wistfully. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Eren snorts. “No arguments here.” He feels the need to back track though when I shoot him a scowl that could cut glass. “Sorry. C’mon though it’s pretty funny.”

“Well forgive me for not being able to laugh about it just yet. It kind of sucks feeling this way you know!” Instead of taking the piss, Eren chews his lip, looking uncharacteristically thoughtful. “What’s that look for?” I probe.

“You liking Marco, it’s more than just wanting to climb him like a tree isn’t it?”

I nod.

“You actually really like him, don’t you?”

“…”

Eren’s eyes widen as he looks away and puffs out a breath. I don’t blame him. Pretty sure he’s never known me have it this bad before. Even with Hitch, I never really spoke to Eren about how I felt. Any conversations we had were usually just laughing at kinky sex stuff that went wrong or me venting about an argument we had.

“Listen, I've been debating whether or not to tell you something…about Marco…but saying as you really do like him...”

The hairs on the back of my neck flex uncomfortably.

“…Yeah?”

“I think you should tell him how you feel.”

“What!? No. No fucking way. Why the hell would I do that?”

“Because maybe it’s not as one-sided as you think.”

…What?

“What d’you mean?”

“I just...I think he likes you too.”

I blink at him with wide eyes. What.the.fuck?

“What do you mean? Has he actually said that!?”

There’s a fluttering in my chest, like a songbird hatching and drawing its first hopeful breath.

“Well, no but-"

‘No’ pierces me like a rusty nail - my songbird cruelly cut down before it even had the chance to spread its wings.

“Then what the hell makes you think he likes me!?” I snap.

“Just…things he’s said to me and the way he acts around you. Like, you should have seen the way he kept looking at you at ‘Battle of the Bands’, man. Especially when Hitch was up to her old tricks.”

I remember Marco looking at me then, but I also remember seeing nothing but concern in his eyes. Plus, Eren doesn’t know how much he was missing Floch that night. I’m sure any wistful looks Eren might have caught were more to do with that than me. Right?

Remember how he held you to his side? Remember how his fingertips slotted so well into the dip of your waist? Remember how he didn’t let you go?

No. Stop it. That was…Marco’s an affectionate guy. I was the one wishing it was something more than that, not him.

But then what if…? Goddammit Eren.

“What’s he said to you like?” I ask, bracing myself for more disappointment.

“Well, a couple of nights ago we were talking about that gig and he started asking questions about me and you – whether we were seeing each other or had some kind of ‘friends with benefits’ thing going on. He was trying to be casual about it, but I could tell he was digging for info.”

He was…Fuck, I wasn’t expecting that. My mind goes into overdrive and for a moment, all I can do is stare back at Eren. Marco was asking about me - about whether or not I’m sleeping with Eren. Was he asking because he cares? Holy fuck, does Marco care who I sleep with!?

Wait no, let’s be rational here. Just because he was asking about me and Eren doesn’t mean he’s interested in that way. I mean, I kissed Eren on stage in front of everyone for fucksake. I can’t blame Marco for being curious about us. Anyone would be.

He could be interested in Eren for all you know.

Fuck.

That thought lands like a lead balloon in the pit of my stomach. I know Eren would never do anything but still, it would be pretty fucking painful finding out the guy I’m hopelessly infatuated with is into one of my best friends.

God, what if he chose to confide in me about it? How would I even respond!? And I’m the fucking idiot that suggested they live together in the first pla-!

“Earth to dipshit! Hello!”

Eren waves his hand in front of my face and snaps me out of my rabbit-hole thinking. Not that it does me much good.

“Look, I know what you’re getting at okay, but I don’t think he’s asking for those reasons Eren. I mean, we ate each other’s faces in front of the whole bar so of course he asked about us. Connie and everyone know we’re impulsive little shits who can’t help ourselves, but Marco doesn’t.”

Eren doesn’t look convinced and rolls his eyes. “Okay yeah, he might’ve just been curious, but…the way he asked made me think otherwise. Like, if he’d just said, ‘So are you and Jean a thing?’, I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but he didn’t.”

I know I shouldn’t ask for details, but the tiny glimmer of hope in my heart can’t fucking help itself.

“What do you mean? How did he ask?”

“So like I said, we were talking about the gig – which now I think of it, he brought up – anyway, he said he thought it was cool how we stood up for Bert and Reiner like that, but then he did this really awkward laugh and said, ‘Seemed like you’d both done that before,’ like he was obviously trying to find out if we had any history. Obvs I just laughed and was like, ‘Me and Jean? No way!’ I thought that would be the end of it, but then he was all like, ‘Oh I just thought you guys might have a thing or have started seeing each other or something.’ I swear to god he was blushing bright red when he said it Jean.”

The longer he speaks, the harder my heart beats in my chest. God how I’d love to believe in everything Eren’s telling me, but…I can’t deny reality. I’ve just spent time with Marco – he slept in my bed for Christ’s sake – and I didn’t get any of those vibes from him; no awkward blushing or stammering or questions about me and Eren.

I think Eren is reading into things because he knows how I feel and he’d love it to be true. For my own sanity though, I can’t take his words to heart. I can’t afford to clutch at straws and get carried away with the possibilities he’s offering me. If I don’t expect anything, I won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

“Listen, I know you’d like it if Marco felt the same way I feel about him, but I’ve not picked up on anything like that from him, like, at all.”

You sure about that? Have you forgotten how gently he caressed your face and stroked away your tears? Or how he held your hand? How he cooked for you?

Fuck, no, that was- I was upset! He’d have done the same thing for anyone, right?

“Well maybe he’s good at hiding it!” Eren grins excitedly.

I don’t mirror his expression. My head is swimming. I kind of just want him to stop now.

“Then why’d he do such a shit job at hiding it from you? Or maybe that’s your answer right there.”

“Eh?” Eren stares at me as I wait for him to get it…but the penny doesn’t drop.

“Maybe the reason he was asking all those questions is because he was trying to find out if you are seeing anyone,” I say, trying my hardest to keep the hurt out of my voice.

“Whaaat!?” Eren scoffs. “You’re not serious?”

“Why not? He was asking about both of us. Could just as easily be you he’s interested in.”

Yeah Eren why not? In fact, now that I think about it, it would explain why Marco looked so hurt after I’d just kissed Eren. Fuck. He definitely likes Eren. Fucking fuck.

“Mate, no. Just...no. I fucking live with the guy okay. It’s definitely not like that between us. The only time he turns into a blushing mess is when we talk about you. And anyway! He knows I’ve been seeing the guitarist from that night, so if he was into me, why would he ask about you instead of her?”

Shit. I don’t have a comeback for that.

I fiddle with my fingers and chew my lip, trying to think of something to say. God fucking dammit Eren. Why do you have to plant these seeds of hope in my heart, when I know come spring they’ll have sprouted into nothing more than hideous weeds with roots that hold deep no matter how hard I try to dig them out.

I take a deep breath. “I’m not telling him.” I want to sound firm, but it comes out sounding like a petulant child.

Eren huffs exasperatedly. “Mate c'mon. The worst thing that could happen is he’ll knock you back but at least you’ll know where you stand.”

“No, the worst thing that could happen is I ruin our fucking friendship and we lose him. Think about it. If I make things awkward he’ll be the one that takes a step back because the rest of us have been friends for so long. He’s just started rebuilding his life here. What kind of dickhead would I be if I ruined that for him because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut?”

Eren’s eyes flash at my ‘rebuilding his life’ comment but he doesn’t press me for any more information. Instead he twists his face in a way that tells me he knows I’ve got a point, even if he doesn’t want to agree with me.

“Okay fine, I get that, but just...think about it okay? I’m not saying you have to tell him but maybe just, I dunno try flirting with him or something.”

“Flirting with him? Jesus Christ Eren.”

“What!? You flirt with people all the time Jean - half the time you don’t even realise you’re doing it – so just, you know, crank it up a notch with Marco and see how he reacts. If you get nothing back, you can easily laugh it off and nothing’s spoiled, and if he flirts back well, there’s your answer.”

Coming out of Eren’s mouth, it sounds fucking stupid but whatever, might be worth a try. And if I agree, at least I’ll get him off my back.

“Fine. I’ll think about it. Now can we please change the fucking subject.”

I should be careful what I wish for, because changing the subject means Eren spilling his guts about the guitarist he’s been getting with.

“She offered to peg me on our first date. I almost fucking proposed!”

“Fucking hell Eren.” I shake my head but the tugging at the corners of my lips makes it hard to act disapproving. “And I don’t think you’re allowed to use the word ‘date’ to describe the first time you fucked.”

“Mate I don’t care what we call it as long as it keeps happening. I’m seeing her tonight actually.”

“Hmm. Maybe I should invite Marco ‘round again. Save him from hearing you getting ‘effed in the A’ in the next room.”

“Hey I haven’t said yes to that yet! And anyway, I’m going to her place so Marco will be safe. Well, unless you decide to indulge in non-consensual spooning again.”

“Oi!” I smack him on the arm but he just flashes me one of his patented cheeky-ass grins in response.

“You mind if we head to Rough Trade first for a mooch around?” he asks as we turn the corner onto the main street.

“Sure.”

______________________________________________

Three vinyl records, a sushi lunch, a new shirt for Eren’s ‘date’, two plaid shirts for me and a pair of Moomin Vans (that I simply could not resist) later, and we’re back at Eren’s.

I knew Marco wouldn’t be back from work yet, but I still feel a twinge of disappointment when we walk into the living room and don’t find him there. After a quick bathroom break, I decide to get out of Eren’s hair so he can get ready. Just before I head out, my phone jingles and buzzes in my pocket and, even though I can see Eren watching me out the corner of my eye, I don’t try to hide my smile when I see who it’s from.

“No prizes for guessing who that is then,” Eren grins.

It’s Marco of course, replying to the picture I sent him earlier of my new Vans. He must be on break.

ItsaMeeMarco:

Waaaahhh!! OMG I’m so fucking jealous! I didn’t even know they were a thing!

My grin gets even goofier as I imagine him screaming like a teenager at a K-Pop concert.

HeresJeany:

Me neither! I couldn’t resist. Didn’t have you pegged for a Moomins guy :P

I don’t even want to tell you what horrifying images of Eren flash through my mind when I type pegged.

“Jesus you should see your face. Like a fucking tomato.”

“Shut up!”

“Haha! Right am gonna go shower. Catch you later.”

“Alright. Have fun on your date,” I say jogging down the stairs to the front door.

“I’ll share all the dirty details with you tomorrow!” he shouts after me.

“Please don’t!”

“YOU LOVE IT YOU SLUT!” he cries as I open the front door, much to the surprise of the woman walking past with her dog.

I bite my lip to keep from laughing and unlock my car. Another message from Marco comes through before I turn on the engine.

ItsaMeeMarco:

Hehe. You have no idea ;)

That fucking winky face sends my heart into overdrive. I know he’s just joking about the Moomins, but still, Eren’s advice from earlier swims around my head. Maybe he was right about flirting being the way to go.

HeresJeany:

It’s not Moomin boxers is it? Remember I know all about your kink for silly underwear now Bodt ;)

ItsaMeeMarco:

Breaks over but I’ll send you a picture when I get home

He’ll…he’ll what???

ItsaMeeMarco:

Not of my underwear! Oh god I just realised how that sounded XD

Oh well. The thought was nice while it lasted.

______________________________________________

Dead. I’m officially dead. Killed by unfair levels of cuteness causing my heart to explode.

Marco’s promised picture comes through a few hours later. It’s of himself, his eyes closed and a serene smile on his face as he cuddles a small, scruffy-looking Moomin toy. Judging by the state of it, he must’ve had it since he was a kid. In fact, the longer I stare at the picture, the more I notice tell-tale signs of wear and tear; the missing tip of an ear, a patch of fur that looks a little threadbare and another that’s clearly been stitched back together.

I reply with the ‘cutest shit I’ve ever seen’ meme. Unfortunately he takes that as an invitation to be even cuter and sends another picture of himself with a cat ears filter, pouty lips and the caption ‘Who me?’

My heart flutters and before I can second guess myself, I send him an invitation to hang out again tonight. I know I might seem a little eager, but what’s the worst that could happen? All he can do is say no right? I make sure the invitation is to hang out with me AND Connie to ‘jam and play games or whatever’ so as not to make it weird, but my stomach still flips horribly when I get this reply:

ItsaMeeMarco:

No thanks. I’m getting a bit sick of you.

Anyone else and I’d be tapping out my own snarky reply in seconds. Marco on the other hand reduces me to a quivering, paranoid mess with zero chill, so I’m sure you can imagine how relieved I am when this comes through seconds later:

ItsaMeeMarco:

Jk ;) Yeah of course I’d love to!

He’d ‘love’ to. Eeep!

______________________________________________

Marco arrives an hour later with his guitar strapped to his back and a tube full of Pringles, which Connie immediately snatches out of his hand.

“Pringles for Springles!” he cries skipping back up the stairs two at a time.

As affable as always, Marco just smiles and closes the door. “Long time no see,” he grins. “You keepin’ alright?”

His cheekiness makes me weak at the knees but I give as good as I get with a, “You just keep crawling back for more don’t you?”

“You wish. I’m only here to hang out with Connie,” he chuckles, following me up the stairs.

“Well, turns out he’s ditching us for a date with Sasha. Sorry to break it to you.”

“Shame. I might just go home then.”

Is this flirting? Are we flirting? I think we might be.

I can feel a slight blush tickling up the back of my neck at the thought, but then Marco hits me with a comment that makes it ten times worse.

“Mate I don’t wanna sound pervy but…are you commando right now?” he sniggers.

Fuck!

I’d not long been out of the shower when he knocked so I’d pulled on my joggers like I normally do – I rarely wear boxers when I’m slobbing about the house - and didn’t really think about it. It can’t be that obvious, although…shit yeah, these light grey ones are a bit on the tight side. Oops.

Fuck it. I will not let him fluster me. I’m gonna own it.

I twist my head and narrow my eyes at him with a smirk. “Why? You checkin’ out my arse Bodt?”

There’s a definite hint of pink in his cheeks now. “I mean, you are waggling it right in front of my face!”

I come to a halt at the top of the stairs, put my hands on my hips and decide to really waggle it.

“Free and easy Marco. There’s nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.”

He full on cackles, obviously appreciating my Bart Simpson reference. “Please don’t show me your impression of Dr Cheeks,” he giggles, nudging me in the shoulder as he brushes past.

“Keep asking me pervy questions and I definitely will!”

______________________________________________

I am well and truly off my Mario Kart game tonight. I keep overcompensating on my turns and it feels like every fucking shell known to man is landing right in my path. I blame the fact that Marco’s thigh is pushed right up against mine. After he called me out, I put on some boxers and changed into some thicker joggers, but I can still feel the warmth of his skin through the fabric. Every twitch of his knee makes me buzz with electricity and I have to remind myself to breathe.

My lack of skill might also have something to do with how distractingly bright and cheery Marco is tonight. He’s shown absolutely no qualms about taking the piss out of me and Connie, or showing me affection when I pout and pretend he’s hurt my feelings. It’s like spending time with the Marco I see on stage – the confident rock star with a swagger in his step and a cheeky glint in his eye.

It’s unfair how hot it is.

He chuckles playfully after I go skidding off in the wrong direction again. “Jean, you realise the aim of the game is to win right?”

Swoon.

I try to think of a good retort, but Super Mario’s trademark outfit reminds me of some ammunition stored on my phone and I decide to go with that instead, my smile splitting into a devilish smirk as I abandon the controller.

“Hey Connie,” I say unlocking my screen and pulling up my photos, “You ever wondered what Marco looks like in blue dungarees?”

“W-What??” Marco stammers whipping his head round to me.

I can’t help poking my tongue out between my teeth as I hold up a picture of baby Marco – the one I snapped from his mam’s mantelpiece.

“Haha! Cute,” Connie chuckles. “Hey Marco, you ever wondered what Jean looked like as a baby?”

Wait, what??

“WHAT!?”

Connie starts scrolling through his phone with an up-to-no-good, “Hehehe”.

“Why do you have a baby picture of me on your phone!?”

“Eren sent it to me.”

“WHY DOES EREN- !?”

“Right Marco, wait ‘til you see this absolute UNIT of a baby.”

“Hey!” I protest.

Marco’s laughing his ass off and he hasn’t even seen it yet. I realise too late that I should probably stop gawking and launch myself at Connie to stop him.

“Look at this CHONK!”

“Oh my god! What!?” Marco cries, grabbing the phone from Connie’s hand and quickly descending into hysterics.

“Oh come on it’s not that funny!”

“No it definitely is,” Connie says with a twisted grin.

I’m gonna kill him. I’m actually going to fucking kill him.

“How is this even you?” Marco asks with tears in his eyes. “You’re so…”

“So what?” I stupidly ask.

“Well…chubby!”

That does it.

I grab a cushion in each fist and start beating him as hard as I can – or at least as hard as can be expected when soft furnishings are your weapon of choice. He moves his hand up to defend himself, but a serious case of the giggles renders his efforts as useful as a marzipan dildo and he crumples. As good as it feels to get my own back, it feels even better watching how fucking tickled and elated he looks, lying in a heap and still casting giggly glances at Connie’s phone.

“Stop laughing at me!” I demand, though it sounds weak coupled with my own laughter. “How dare you body-shame an infant!”

That sets us all off. My face and sides are aching by the time one of us is able to speak coherently again.

“Oh man…I would never have believed you were a chubby baby…brilliant,” Marco pants.

“He was like that until we were about five or six,” Connie adds.

“Really?”

“Yeah, he was like a little barrel and then he slowly stretched out over time.”

“Feel free to stop talking about me like I’m not even here! Dicks!” Then I turn to point at Connie. “You’re just jealous I stretched out more than you! I had a growth spurt when I was like 16,” I add looking at Marco. “I’ve been towering over Connie ever since.”

“Yeah well, maybe I kept stretching in other areas,” Connie grins with an eyebrow waggle.

“Pfff! Mate I’ve accidentally seen your dick enough times to know that ain’t true!”

“Hey! I’m a grower not a shower!”

“I hope so or Sasha’s gonna be seriously disappointed when she finally gets in there.”

I expect a silly come-back, but Connie just laughs weakly and goes bright fucking red, like, his whole face erupts into crimson.

“Oh my god,” Marco murmurs.

“Has Sasha touched your dick!?” I ask.

“N-no! Of course she fucking hasn’t!”

“But you want her to don’t you!” I sing-song, prodding him in the ribs to make him squirm even more.

Sweet revenge.

“Right! Fuck you both!” he laughs, springing up from the sofa. “I need to go take a shower.”

“A nice cold one?” I snigger.

“Oh you just fucking wait Kirschtein. I’ll wipe that smile right off your face.” And with that, he stomps off to his room, leaving Marco and I alone.

We take a break from the game to grab a drink and a few more snacks, before settling on opposite sides of the sofa. I miss the warmth of his leg pressed against mine but I guess it would be weird to sit so close given how much space we have now.

I’m just passing Marco a bag of chocolate buttons when a loud BING vibrates right through my arse.

“Ahh!! The fuck!?” I dig around under my butt cheek and find the culprit - Marco’s phone.

He chuckles and grabs it from me to unlock the screen. “Whoops. Must’ve slid out of my- Pfffftt! Hahaha! Oh my god!”

Marco buries his face in one hand as his shoulders shake with giggles.

“What?” I ask, my lips already curling into a grin.

It plummets from my face, however, when I see what’s so fucking funny. Connie’s put my baby picture side by side with fucking Strax from Doctor Who, with the caption ‘Baked Potato Baby’ and a goddamn dancing potato gif in the corner.

“Oh he is fucking DEAD.”

Marco’s response is to look at the picture again and descend into laughter so high and so wheezy, I wouldn’t be surprised if only dogs can hear him.

“Ow!” he croaks clutching his stomach. “Fuck. I can’t keep laughing like this.”

“Don’t touuuuch meeee please! I cannot stand the way you- AAAAHHH! WHAT THE FUCK!!??”

In less than a second, I’ve shoved the stool against the shower door and hopped on top of it.

“AHH GOD NOOOOO!!”

Connie’s screams mingle with Marco’s laughter as I start dumping handfuls of flour on him, some of it filling the air around him like a cloud, the rest of it already sticking in messy clumps to his wet skin.

“F-FUCK!! NO!! A-AH!” he coughs and splutters, waving his hands and pulling the shower door open.

I take that as my cue to flee the scene and hop down before he can get his hands on me.

“C’mere you little shit!” he cries, stumbling out and snatching up the first towel he lays his hands on. “Don’t think I don’t see you filming Marco! You’re dead to me now!”

I run past a very giggly Marco and chance a glance over my shoulder at Connie. In his haste he’s grabbed a face cloth, which barely covers his junk and I realise with terror I’m about to be chased by a very sticky, very naked Connie Springer.

My socks skid across the floor as I round the corner and weigh up my best option for an escape route. Bedroom? No, if I’m not quick enough he’ll get flour all over all my stuff. Living room then. Connie’s footsteps thud behind me and I dive to one side of the room. He chases me round and round the coffee table, looking like a cross between the abdominal snowman and a perverted ghost.

We stop to catch our breath and size each other up. To my horror, I realise I’m on the wrong side of the table for an easy escape and Connie is blocking the way back out. Fuck. I should’ve just locked myself in the bathroom. I pretend to go right and then whip to the left, jumping up onto the sofa to stay out of his reach.

“No!!”

SHIT! How was he so fucking quick!?

Connie launches himself forward, rugby tackling me down to the sofa cushions. The force of it knocks to wind out of me. Not that Connie cares, pinning my arms to my sides and aggressively nuzzling my face before I’ve even had the chance to draw breath.

I squawk and splutter as blobs of dusty, doughy gloop stick to my face and hair. My hands twitch but I realise fighting back will mean manhandling a naked Connie, so I resign myself to my fate and wait for him to run out of steam.

“There you little bitch, have some of it back!”

Marco can barely breathe with how hard he’s laughing, stumbling over to us for a close-up of my face. “Any regrets Jean?”

“Fuck you both.”

Considering how much flour there was, it doesn’t take us too long to get everything looking just about normal again, and we’re soon waving a re-showered Connie off on his date. I take a few minutes to finish drying my freshly scrubbed hair and join Marco back on the sofa.

“So someone’s a big fan of Ghibli,” he comments, scrolling through our Netflix list.

“I mean, you’d have to be an idiot not to be.”

“I’ve been scared to watch any more since I saw Grave of Fireflies. The whole big brother little sister thing absolutely broke me.”

“Oh god. Me and Connie made the mistake of watching that one thinking it would be cute! We we’re inconsolable,” I chuckle, swinging my legs up onto the sofa. “Lift your bum up would you? My feet are cold.”

I expect him to call me out for being cheeky. Instead, he replies, “Okay but you gotta keep my feet toasty too.”

He flashes me a grin and digs his feet under my arse. I am beyond pleased about it.

Marco’s never seen Ponyo because he was ‘scared the little fish person might die at the end’, so we watch that after I assure him it has a happy ending. When it’s over, we grab our guitars and play about with some new riffs and song lyrics I’ve been having trouble with. I even convince him to sing along with me for some of it. He still blushes when I tell him he’s got a good voice.

We’re having a laugh rearranging the lyrics of a nursery rhyme he sings at work (into something far less appropriate) when my eyes notice something wrapped around Marco’s wrist.

“Is that a hair tie?” I ask, nodding towards it.

“Hmm?” He holds his wrist up to look, like he’d forgotten anything was there. “Oh. Yeah. I sometimes use it when I’m working at Bean’s.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, why?” he smiles, putting his guitar down.

“I’ve never seen you with your hair back. Put it in!”

“O-Okay.” He blushes prettily and starts brushing his hair back with his fingers. “You got a thing for ponytails or something?” he asks with a grin.

I laugh and reply with a cheeky wink, “Well y’know, who doesn’t like having something to hold onto?”

“You’re awful,” he chuckles, blushing even harder.

I watch the muscles in his arms flex as he finishes tying the band. His hair’s not quite long enough to all be gathered into the stubby ponytail, so some of it still hangs down around the nape of his neck.

“Ta da!” he cries with a couple of jazz hands.

Oh god. I feel like the connection between my brain and my tongue has been severed. He looks fucking gorgeous. A few loose waves at the front flop forward, framing his face perfectly - no doubt the same unruly locks I ran my fingers through just last night. My heart jitters at the thought.

“Is it really that bad?” he asks with a quirk of an eyebrow.

Shit I’m staring. Remember how to speak you idiot!

“N-no! Not bad at all. You just look…super different,” I cover. “Really suits you actually.”

He smiles softly, satisfied with my response. “What about you?” he asks.

“What about me?”

“What does your hair look like tied back?”

“Oh err, I dunno. Never tried. I don’t think it’s long enough,” I reply, tugging my floppy fringe between my thumb and fingers.

His eyes light up and a cheeky, heart-breaking smile stretches across his face. “I bet it is! C’mon let’s try.”

Marco’s nimble fingers untie his ponytail and I swear to fucking god his hair moves in slow-mo when he shakes it out. He holds out the tie and I look dumbly between it and his face.

“Erm…how do you do it?”

“Have you never tied a hair bobble before?”

“Well, I mean…I’ve never had to before.”

“One of the perks of having a little sister I suppose. Okay c’mere, turn around.”

He shuffles right next to me and I freeze. Is Marco actually about to play with my hair? I think I might fucking implode.

“Hang on I need to be higher than you, erm…I know.”

I turn and watch him sit on the arm of the sofa, before patting the space in between his legs, that huge grin still on his face. I just about keep my cool with an eyeroll.

“You are way too enthusiastic about this Bodt.”

Trying my best to be casual, I hop into the space he’s left for me, but my skin prickles in anticipation as his legs press against my sides. He laughs lightly and I feel his breath caress the back of my neck, which would be enough to send me into orbit, but then his fingers start raking through my scalp.

O-oh god.

I press my lips together to stifle the moan of appreciation threatening to bubble up my throat and shift in my seat to cover the shudder that ripples over my body. He runs his hands in succession from my hairline towards the crown of my head over and over and over again. I melt like butter into his fingertips, letting my eyelids flutter closed.

So good.

I’ve always loved having my hair played with, but I’ve never had strong fingers like Marco’s scratching through my scalp like this. It’s strangely intimate I realise in a panic, and my idiot mouth says the first piece of crap it can think of to break the tension.

“You’re err, not thinking about making me your personal Barbie doll from now on, are you?”

“Haha. I think you’d need a bigger pair of plastic boobs to fulfil that role.” He starts to pull my hair tight signalling he’s nearly done. I only have to keep my cool for a few more seconds.

“Okay, personal Ken doll then.”

“Ken had plastic hair, not proper hair.”

“Why do you know so much about dolls!?”

“Yet another perk of having a little sister. Okay all done! Wanna see?”

“Yeah!” I turn and give him a smile, hoping I look half as handsome as he did with his hair back.

He’s opening up the camera app on his phone and not looking at me, but there’s a definite blush on his cheeks. Actually no, it looks more like he’s trying not to la-

“Take a look!”

“…Oh you motherfucker.”

Marco hiccup-laughs behind his hand before full-on cackling at me. I look absolutely ridiculous.

“Well, demented pineapple is certainly a look I’ve never tried before.”

Yeah, my fringe is clearly not long enough to pull into a proper ponytail judging by the way it’s sat on top of my head. I look like a bratty baby in a pushchair.

“Please let me take a selfie before you take it out!” Marco pleads, still laughing his ass off and looking absolutely stunning in the process; his crinkled eyes, pink lips stretched around a huge smile and pretty blushing cheeks.

Fuck. He’s so gorgeous.

It’s moments like this that make everything else melt away, where the sheer joy on Marco’s beautiful face makes all the angst and pining worth it. Smash my heart in pieces Marco. I don’t care. I can withstand the heartbreak, because with it comes the treasured memories of making you laugh and knowing I was the one who caused that stunning smile to break out across your perfect freckled face.

“Fine,” I relent (like I could ever say no to him), “but you need to make yourself look just as stupid as me!”

He shuffles in close and squashes his cheeks between his hands while I stick my tongue out with a wink and take the photo. I keep hold of his phone afterwards.

“What’re you doing?”

“Setting it as your wallpaper. Obvs.”

He snorts a laugh when I pass it back. “Wow. We are fit as fuck.”

“Well, maybe one of us is.”

It tumbles out of my mouth before I can stop it. My face flares scarlet at the realisation I’ve just said something I only wanted to think.

Oh crap.

Any trace of levity on Marco’s face dies as his eyes fix on mine and I sit there like a rabbit in the headlights, waiting for a reaction. His lips gently part, as though he’s on the cusp of saying something but can’t quite bring himself to do it.

Oh no.

A sickening thought rolls over me and I jump in before he finds his voice, because I cannot bear the thought of Marco having to sit there and awkwardly explain that he doesn’t really see me that way, that he’s only ever seen me as a friend.

“I-I mean, who wouldn’t want to get with this!” I jabber, pointing at my hair with a smile that I hope seems genuine but probably looks a bit manic.

Marco blinks at me and his mouth falls into a weak smile.

“Y-Yeah. Good point. Guess we should take it out before you cause mass hysteria.”

He’s making a joke, but the softness in his voice is anything but funny. I murmur in agreement and tug at the tie, sliding my fingers through my hair to help my fringe back into place. I lift my gaze to hand it back to him and my breath gets lost in my throat.

His dark, glistening eyes lock onto mine again and the air around us suddenly feels charged. There’s something…something in his features screaming at me but I can’t work out what it is. I gaze right back and try to place which emotion I can see in his face but it’s hard to focus when my body practically vibrates with the force of my feelings. The want, the need – I feel it all the way down to my bones.

A tug in my stomach causes my weight to shift forward just a fraction and then I see it. It’s quick, quick enough to have missed if I had blinked. Marco’s gaze flicking down to my lips and back to my eyes. My adrenaline spikes.

Is he…Is he going to-?

The sound of Marco’s phone ringing makes us both flinch. He jumps back and fumbles in his pocket. Whatever expression I thought was there vanishes as quickly as it came when his eyes flick up to mine again.

“Sorry, it’s my mum. I better, err…”

A horrible, lurching feeling takes over my chest watching him stand and move away from me, his face contorting into a frown. The change in atmosphere gives me whiplash. Everything was so warm and bright just a minute ago. Now it all feels cold and distant, to the point where I start to question if what just happened was even real.

Who the hell am I kidding? Of course Marco wasn’t going to kiss me. Stupid stupid stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.

“Hey mum, you okay?...What? What do you mean?”

Oh no. A horrible sense of déjà vu ripples over me.

“Mum. Mum calm down…MUM! She’s staying at Charlie’s tonight remember? It’s Saturday. She’s at Charlie’s.”

An exasperated but amused smile crosses Marco’s features.

“Yeah, you are a numpty…Yeah I’m fine, just hanging out at Jean’s. Okay, go get some sleep…Alright love you. Bye.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah. Mia’s staying at her friend’s tonight, but Mum forgot and thought she’d gone walkabout again when she came home to an empty house. Haha.”

Neither of us speak for one long, stretched out second. It hangs awkwardly between us and prickles uncomfortably up my neck and over my ears.

“Do you err, do you mind if I grab another drink?” he asks, scratching the back of his neck.

I leap up from my seat like it’s electrocuted me. “Course not! Erm, I-I’ll get them!”

“Oh, I mean…I didn’t mean you have to get it for me!” Marco splutters awkwardly.

“I know! It’s fine. I want one anyway. Beer or coke?”

God I wish I didn’t sound so flustered.

“Erm…Coke’s fine.”

“’Kay.”

I fill a glass with water and glug down half before refilling it and plead with my body to just act fucking normal. Shame my fingers decide to betray me. I go to get a glass for Marco and the bastard thing slips from my grasp, rolls off the bench and smashes on the floor.

“Shit.”

“Are you okay?” Marco asks, already walking over.

“Don’t!” He stops and blanches at my reaction. “You might get glass in your feet!”

He opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of keys scraping in the lock stops him. I look towards the stairs and fucking wilt with relief knowing something is about to interrupt this awkward situation. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and then Sasha walks in with Connie just behind.

“Guess which idiot decided to have a major nosebleed in the middle of dessert!”

“It’s me! I’m the idiot!” Connie says gleefully, his voice muffled by the balled-up tissue in front of his face.

Sasha glances down at the mess around me with a confused expression. “You having a glass throwing party or something?”

______________________________________________

Connie’s tendency to be completely oblivious to everything around him is a double-edged sword. Most of the time, he puts his foot in his mouth and makes things even more uncomfortable. Tonight however, and to my great relief, I get the flip side of that, where Connie’s complete lack of awareness helps dissipate an awkward situation.

He dives straight into the story of his nosebleed and slowly but surely, the worst of the tension dissolves. Connie is positively giddy, making us all laugh with his ridiculousness. Sasha too; I forget just how hard she can make me laugh when she’s on top form. Marco relaxes against the arm of the sofa and starts to smile again - especially when Sasha sarcastically thanks us for making Connie late with the flour stunt and we all have a good giggle at the video together.

“Jean I keep forgetting to ask, are you free two weeks from today?” Sasha asks when we’ve stopped chuckling.

“Think so. Why?”

“That’s when we’re going to the cottage.”

“Oh, yeah. Marco mentioned that to me.”

His eyes meet mine when I say his name and he smiles. Sasha starts giving us the details and the more we talk about it, the more excited I feel about the prospect of a holiday. I am more than ready for a break – though it’s unlikely to be very relaxing with this crazy bunch. And I have to admit, the thought of spending time away with Marco doesn’t exactly fill me with a sense of zen either. There’s a moment when Sasha’s talking about how many beds there are and how many people will have to share, and the tips of my ears burn red when I notice Marco trying and failing to look me directly in the eye.

I wish I knew what was going on in his head.

He doesn’t stay long enough for me to figure it out. After Sasha offers him a lift, he decides to head off with her, which means I don’t get to speak to him alone at the door. I’m honestly glad for it though. I’m not even sure what I’d say.

Hey Marco I thought you were going to kiss me earlier hahahaha. Kind of offended you didn’t hahaha. Just kiddin’ lolz. Unless?

Yeah. Let’s not.

He offers me a cheery wave and a ‘catch you later’ before buckling himself into Sasha’s car but that’s about it. His smile seemed genuine enough so I try not to overthink it. I’m too tired to think too hard anyway.

I head off to bed after a quick catch-up with Connie. Things are still going good with Sasha, though he hasn’t asked her to be ‘official’ yet and he still hasn’t gotten beyond cheek kisses with her. He’s hoping our trip to the cottage could change that.

“I’m still not sure though. I mean the last thing I want to do is push things too far too soon when we’re stuck on holiday together. That would kind of ruin it.”

“Dude I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. You guys seem really comfortable around each other. It’s like you’re there already.”

It’s warm tonight, so the coolness between my bed sheets feels like absolute bliss when I slip between them. I plug my phone in to charge and roll over with a huff, folding my arms behind my head and enjoying the stretch across my chest.

I’m sleepy as fuck but my head still swims with unanswered questions about what happened tonight. Did Marco really want to kiss me or did I read into things? Did he think I was going to kiss him? Is he freaked out?

My eyes grow heavy despite my babbling mind and I start to drift…

Bzzt! Bzzt!

Ah! I jerk awake as the ceiling’s illuminated by blue light. There’s one new message on my phone from Marco.

ItsaMeeMarco:

Hey. Thanks for tonight. I had fun :)

He’s attached the picture from earlier…the one I set as his wallpaper.

HeresJeany:

Your hairdressing skills leave a lot to be desired. I had fun too :) Goodnight Marco x

ItsaMeeMarco:

Goodnight Jean x

______________________________________________

As much as I’d love for me and Marco to be more than friends, this week has made me realise how precious our friendship is, because let me tell you, being friends with Marco Bodt is an absolute fucking privilege.

He rang me first thing Monday morning to make sure I was okay about going back to work and he’s called me every evening since; wanting to hear about my day, offering words of encouragement and praise, telling me dumb stories just because he wants to make me laugh. I can’t get over how much he cares about me – I feel like I have to pinch myself every time the phone rings.

It’s also a huge relief knowing what happened on Saturday night (whatever the fuck that was) hasn’t changed anything between us. Not gonna lie, I still feel just a teensy bit paranoid but only because I haven’t seen him in person to make sure things are really okay. I invite him to hang out and there’s band practice of course, but he tells me he’s got a lot of work to do prepping for an interview in a week, so he can’t make it. It’s a for a full-time teaching role at the school next to his nursery. I really hope he gets it - I can tell how much he wants it whenever it comes up in conversation. He’s so fucking cute when he starts talking about the kids and all the ideas he has for teaching them. I could listen to him for hours. In fact, I probably have once or twice this week.

As for my job, this week has been okay - better than I was expecting, actually.

I had a few jitters about returning on Monday morning, but it felt good to be back with everyone, albeit one less person than I expected. Daz has decided not to come back. I guess he was pretty shaken up by the whole experience – he always seemed a bit out of his depth so I wasn’t too shocked when they told us the news, but still.

Obviously, this meant that everyone found out what happened. I didn’t have to go into too much detail thankfully - Mike gave everyone the short version of events. As promised, he did a lot of wellbeing training with us all and even brought a therapy dog along to one of the sessions, which was ridiculously awesome! Apparently they have them in the emergency services for group sessions, like if the whole team had gone through something traumatic.

Mike also booked me a session to meet the counsellor. It wasn’t too heavy. It was mainly a meet and greet where they got to tell me how the sessions work. We talked about what happened with Indy a little bit but not much. They said a lot of people who’ve experienced trauma like that don’t benefit from reliving the event because it embeds it further in their memory. She talked through some other strategies I might find useful. For now, I think I’ll be okay, but it’s good to know help is there if I ever need it.

To be honest, the most helpful part of this week (apart from talking to Marco) has just been working with all my training buddies again. Everyone’s been so supportive but especially Reiner. They seemed the most concerned out of everyone when Mike explained what happened with the traffic collision. He asked me a few things about it, but mainly to see how I was coping and if I needed anything rather than about the event itself. I really like Reiner. I hope we get to work together when our training is over.

I invited him and Bert to hang out with everyone tonight. Eren and Marco are having everyone over at their place. I’m making more of an effort to socialise after my little pity party last week pretty much turned me into a recluse. It would be a lie to say I’m not looking forward to seeing my mates, but honestly, it’s the thought of finally seeing Marco’s gorgeous face after nearly a week that has me bouncing on the balls of my feet as Connie and I wait for someone to answer the door.

“C’mon you wankers let us in! We come bearing gifts!” Connie yells, impatient as ever.

The door opens a crack and Sasha peers though with a serious expression.

“…What kind of gifts?”

“Err, a case of beer and enough crisps to fill a swimming pool.”

“Hmm.” Her eyes flick between our faces and the carrier bag full of crisps. “Very well. You may enter.”

She swings the door wide and Connie strides in with a ridiculous grin plastered across his face, heading straight to Sasha’s side to tell her all the flavours he’s brought.

I follow after them, my eyes on the hunt for one thing and one thing only when we reach the top of the stairs. Soothing warmth spreads through my chest when I enter the kitchen and see him, chatting happily to Bert and Armin.

Ahh. There he is.

Any remaining doubts about things being awkward quickly fall away when he lifts his head and locks eyes with me. The smile that beams from his face could set the world alight. I notice Armin quirk an eyebrow and turn to see what Marco’s looking at. Their face softens into a knowing smile when they see it’s me and they give me a cute little wave before turning to Bert and drawing him into a conversation.

“Hey!” Marco grins.

I was worried he might be a bit reserved with his affections, so it feels like a weight has lifted from my heart when he wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a hug.

“Hey, you okay?” I grin, discreetly breathing in his scent. God I’ve missed it.

“Yeah. I missed you.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole fucking flat heard the comedic SCREEEECH of my heart coming to a halt at the way those words just casually tumbled over his lips. He releases me, but not by much; there’s only a small gap between our chests as looks at me.

“Oh yeah?” I smile. “Living with Eren that bad is it?”

He giggles and headbutts me softly on the shoulder. I look down at the hand not wrapped around my bicep, at the near empty beer, and then back up at his flushed face.

“Your nose is red,” I say, playfully booping him on a cluster of freckles. “I’m guessing that’s not your first beer.”

“Maybe. Work has been so bloody stressful this week, so Eren and I cracked open our first beers at about half five. I’m only on my third but, yeah, we haven’t eaten that much yet!”

“Well lucky for you Connie brought a shit ton of crisps!”

Marco sobers up a bit once he gets some food in him. Everybody’s brought something so we’ve got a good little buffet going by the time it’s all sorted.

“Hey,” he whispers when everyone’s distracted by Reiner sharing pictures of the therapy dog. “Don’t tell anyone but I got us a sneaky treat.”

“You did what?” I ask, my cheeks hurting from the huge smile that immediately snaps into place.

“C’mon I’ll show you.”

He tugs at my elbow until we’re out of the kitchen and leads me into his room, unnecessarily tiptoeing the whole way like he’s in a Pink Panther film or some shit. I feel like my chest is about to burst with giddiness. He hops onto his bed, sitting cross-legged before rummaging in the backpack near his pillow. I slot into place next to him while he starts talking excitedly.

“There was a lady selling these at the outdoor market on my way into work today and I couldn’t resist.”

He pulls out a bright box covered in blobs of colour. But then I realise the blobs of colour are pictures of macarons.

“Oh my god. Marry me Marco.”

He chuckles and looks at me with a huge, heart-stopping smile. “So, there’s a couple pistachio and a couple raspberry ‘cos I know they’re your favourite, but she had all these other insane flavours that I just had to try…”

‘cos I know they’re your favourite.’ I kinda wanna ask him to marry me again.

“…there’s two chocolate orange, two red velvet cake and these two are frickin’ cinnamon roll flavour!”

Jesus Christ Marco if you don’t stop being so unreasonably cute I’m gonna have to kiss you.

“Which one do you wanna try first?” he asks.

“Cinnamon roll. Obviously.”

“Is that ‘cos you’re a secret cinnamon roll?”

“The fuck? How am I a cinnamon roll?”

“Big tough firefighter Jean who secretly loves macarons and squeals over kittens,” he giggles.

“Oh yeah? Well would a cinnamon roll do THIS?”

I grab both the cinnamon roll macarons and cram them into my mouth. Marco full on gasps before smacking me on the shoulder.

“You bitch! I was really looking forward to trying one of those!”

I’m about to make a snarky remark but my brain short-circuits when I start to chew because holy-fucking-shit.

“Mmm…moh my mod… they taste so gudm.”

Marco looks completely and utterly done with my shit and reaches for my face.

“I will squeeze those macarons right out of your mouth I swear!”

He tries to grab my cheeks but I manage to bat him off, swallowing enough that I can speak properly.

“Oh man. I actually feel really bad now.” I swallow the last mouthful. “They were amazing. I’m so sorry.”

“That doesn’t help!”

He lunges for my ribs and I’m not quick enough this time. His fingers dig mercilessly into my sides and I immediately become a squirming, shrieking mess.

“Gah! M-Ahaha! Marco no! Stop! Ahahaha! Stop!”

“No more treats for you! I’m having all the rest to myself you hear me! This is what you get for being a pesky macaron thief!”

“No! Stop! A-haha! I’ll do anything!”

He manages to grab both my wrists and I panic, kicking my legs to get him off me before he pins them with one hand and starts tickling me again. I don’t get very far. He flashes me and evil grin and jumps over my legs, pinning my thighs between his.

He stills his tickling fingers for a moment and gazes down at me, that a mischievous sparkle still in his eye. “Anything you say?”

Throb.

I’m caught somewhere between absolute heaven and my worst nightmare – Burning the image of Marco straddling me (smiling down all flushed and breathing heavy) into my memory, whilst also praying to fucking god I don’t get an erection and freak him out.

“In that case,” he smirks, “sing ‘The Little Green Frog’ and I’ll get off you.”

“…Fuck you.”

“Okay fine by me!” He goes right for my armpit this time. I squeal but I try not to twist too much for fear I’ll grind my dick up against him.

“Agh god! Sto-o-op! Stooop! Okay I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”

I screw my eyes shut so I can’t see his smug fucking face and sing the stupid song as quickly as I can.

“Haha. That was beautiful Jean.”

I crack an eye open.

Oh.

His face isn’t smug in the slightest, it’s fucking breath-taking. The widest, brightest smile stretches across his rosy lips. His eyes - crinkled at the corners - are catching the last of the daylight through the undrawn curtains, highlighting flecks of honey in the warmest brown. And it’s all framed perfectly by his soft wavy locks, swaying gently as they hang forward.

Jesus fuck.

The familiar tug in my stomach takes on a new intensity, squeezing my heart and making my fingers and toes tingle. My breath gets caught in my chest, and I think he notices because I feel him tense ever so slightly. The smile starts to soften.

“Jean?”

“…Yeah?”

“I lied.”

“Wha-? Ahhh!”

Strong fingers and thumbs dig at my waist with a renewed sense of vigour and within seconds I’m laughing my head off, and Marco’s laughing his head off, and the sound of our shared glee is like the most perfect song I’ve ever heard.

“Jean! Marco!”

Eren’s voice.

“Yeah?” we both respond breathlessly.

“I don’t know what’s going on in there, but it sounds kinky as fuck!”

A comment like that from Eren would usually result in a torrent of abuse spewing from my mouth, but when Marco drops his head to my chest and giggles, I’m on cloud fucking nine so I just giggle along with him.

“C’mon you gays we’re gonna play ‘Grandma’s knickers’!”

“Grandma’s- Are you actually serious?”

Turns out Eren was deadly serious. Mikasa brought it up when people were reminiscing about school and everyone immediately demanded we play it.

I barely last a minute, still giddy from my tickle attack with Marco, but considering how fucking giggly Marco’s been this evening, he is insanely good at ‘Grandma’s knickers’. The absolute shite that Connie comes up with has me crying with laughter but Marco barely even flinches. He finally lets the tiniest of smiles slip when Historia asks, “When you fantasise about Reiner, what’s he wearing?”

No-one can keep a straight face after that so we abandon the game, everyone starting up their own conversations and just generally relaxing while Eren plucks aimlessly at his guitar. Marco and I are chatting happily to Armin and Bert when Sasha interrupts us.

“Hey Marco, you gonna reply to my message anytime soon?”

Message? Didn’t think Marco and Sasha were close enough to be exchanging messages on the regular.

“What message?” I ask with a curious grin. God knows what crazy crap Sasha’s been sending his way.

“I’m trying to set him up with my friend!”

…What?

“My friend Niccolo saw Marco’s picture on my Instagram and he’s been bugging me to introduce them.”

Armin, I notice, catches themselves before they look in my direction. I wish I could say the same for Eren, who looks really obviously between me and Marco with an awkward expression.

Mate I swear to god if anyone notices you…

“Honestly Marco you should give him a chance. He’s really fit!” Sasha continues.

“Show us a picture then,” someone says. It’s hard to tell who with the ringing in my ears.

Sasha babbles on some more about what a wonderful person he is, while I just stare at Marco. I know he can see me in his peripheral. I know I’m being obvious. I know I’m inviting a conversation I’m not ready to have…but I can’t help it. I need to see. If there’s even a hint of Marco being interested in this guy, I need to see so that I don’t stand in the way.

“Oh wow! Yeah he’s cute Marco,” Connie laughs. “You should go for it! Shouldn’t he Jean?”

Connie I love you but I swear to fucking Christ you are so bloody dense sometimes!!

He thrusts his arm forward so I can see the picture on Sasha’s phone. Some stupid gorgeous blond with a stupid chiselled jaw grins at me suggestively and I instantly fucking hate him.

“Err..”

“Giviz a look Con,” Eren interrupts so I don’t have to answer. I could kiss him. “Hmm, looks like a bit of a prick to me.”

“Eren!” Sasha cries, while a couple of other people snort with laughter.

“What? He does! You can do better than him Marco.”

Marco gives a short chuckle. He hasn’t really responded much beyond polite smiles and the occasional hum.

“C’mon Marco. What have you got to lose?” Sasha asks.

“Yeah erm, maybe? Let me think about it.”

Fuck. Is he actually considering it?

“Maybe!? Okay let me give you the lowdown on why he’d be a good boyfriend. One, he’s a chef and he’s actually amazing. Two…”

I tune out the rest as I get up to grab a drink. After popping the cap off another brown bottle, I head down the hall to Eren’s room. He won’t mind. I just need a moment, just a couple of minutes to have a word with myself and then I’ll be fine.

I swing one of the windows wide and lean on the frame, breathing in the night air and gazing down the road at the streetlamps. My head swims with a million thoughts, moments I’ve shared with Marco all flashing through my mind at once; all the time I’ve spent with him, all the times he’s shown me affection and all the times I’ve felt like something was off kilter…all the times he’s had that look in his eyes and I’ve wondered what the hell it means.

All the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘could bes’…

And then I think of what Eren said last week, about telling Marco how I feel. Because until I do that, I really have no right to be running away and feeling sorry for myself. Moments like this are going to keep happening again and again. It’s inevitable with someone as great as Marco and only a matter of time before he finds someone new.

God, the number of times I’ve had a go at Connie for not telling Sasha how he feels and here I am doing the same thing. If I don’t speak up soon, I’m gonna miss my chance. Maybe forever. But do I even have a chance? Could I ever hope to deserve someone as amazing as Marco? Could he ever see me as more than a close friend? And if he says no…

I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m a fucking coward and I can’t do it.

Shit. My eyes burn so I squeeze them shut. Don’t cry. Don’t you DARE fucking cry over this. Stop stop STOP.

A single tear manages to push through but that’s all. I sniff hard and press my lips together, getting a grip of myself. Just in time too, as barely a minute passes before I hear the door creak open tentatively.

“Hey,” Armin says, gently knocking their hip into mine. “Don’t worry I’m not here to kiss you.”

I snort and give them a genuine (albeit watery) smile, knocking them back.

“Yeah I know,” I huff as I run a hand through my hair, not really caring for the way it sticks up in places. “We only do that in Marlowe’s room…or Marco’s room now, I guess…”

“Hmm.”

“I know what you’re gonna say.”

“Oh yeah?” They turn to face me. “Go on then. What am I gonna say?”

“You’re gonna say I need to tell Marco how I feel before he gets snapped up by someone else and I miss my chance. That I’ll regret it if I don’t say something. Oh and some crap about how I’m great and wonderful and I definitely have a chance with him.”

“You don’t believe you’ve actually got a chance though do you?”

“Honestly no,” I huff looking down the street at nothing in particular. “So telling him is just going to fuck everything up. Like, don’t worry, my self-esteem isn’t so bad that I think I’m unlovable or some shit, but Marco’s just…He’s fucking sunshine incarnate you know? And I…well I need to be realistic about my chances.”

Armin hums pensively for a moment.

“Well, you weren’t a hundred miles away from what I was going to say, apart from one thing.” I twist my head to look at them, eyebrows pinched. “I don’t think Marco wants to be snapped up by anyone else.”

Hope twists uncomfortably in my gut. “What makes you say that?”

Armin pauses, as if they’re choosing their next words carefully.

“…Every time I see you two together, I can tell you’ve fallen for him a little bit more; it’s been that way for a while now. And I know I don’t know Marco as well as you so I could be wrong but…I think he’s fallen for you too. He loves talking about you. I don’t think he realises how obvious he is, but he lights up whenever you come up in conversation. He’s like a brighter version of himself when you’re around…and so are you. I think you should tell him how you feel. Even if you don’t get the answer you want, Marco’s not the type of person who’d throw away a friendship like yours. But honestly? I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

I look back towards the street, my heart pounding in my chest at Armin’s words. I tug at my hair and groan.

“I can’t do it Armin. It’s too fucking scary. Every time I think about it I just see him blushing and smiling awkwardly and then having to tell me he doesn’t see me that way and being really nice about it, which would somehow make it ten times fucking worse.”

They hum at my words. “Okay, I get how the thought of that doesn’t feel great but…imagine you don’t tell Marco and then he starts seeing someone else because he convinces himself that you don’t see him that way. Wouldn’t that feel worse than you telling him and getting politely rejected.”

“…Maybe.”

“Jean.”

“Okay,” I huff. “Yes. Of course that would be even worse.”

“Exactly, so just think of you telling him as the lesser of two evils.”

I let my head drop to the forearm resting on the windowsill and groan even louder. “I hate it when you’re right.”

When I turn my head they’re smiling at me affectionately. I think it’s the first time ever that smile doesn’t make my chest twinge. Instead I just feel gratitude to have a friend as amazing as Armin.

“Listen, we’ve got our trip to the cottage coming up soon yeah? Well maybe that’ll give you the push you need to open up to him. You’re gonna be spending a lot of time together- ”

“I’m not telling the poor guy when we’re on holiday! Knowing he’s stuck there with me after he’s had to turn me down - that’ll be awkward as fuck.”

“Tell him when we get back then,” Armin counters with a shrug. “Either way, I’m sure you’ll have a clearer idea of how he feels by then.”

God, I really want to spit my dummy out and stamp my feet and refuse to be a grown up about this. Armin doesn’t leave me much choice though. Why do they have to be so bloody right about everything? It doesn’t help that when turn my head, they’re looking right at me with all-knowing smile on their lips.

“Don’t give me that look,” I mumble, narrowing my eyes at their big blue ones.

“What look?” they ask, knowing fine well what I’m getting at.

“Like you’re so fucking sure I’m gonna go through with it. THAT look.”

“Fair enough. C’mon let’s head back.”

“Ugh, do we have to? I really don’t want to hear Sasha going on about how great that fucking guy is Armin.”

“I doubt they’ll still be talking about that. C’mon.”

Once again, Armin is right. The conversation has clearly moved on. Eren, Connie and Sasha are sitting close together, laughing at something to do with Eren’s guitar, while Reiner, Bert and Marco are all smiles looking at something on Reiner’s phone.

Marco’s eyes are the first to find mine when I enter the room. He gives me a gentle smile that I feel all the way down to my toes, but when I walk over, Reiner’s the first to speak. “Oh speak of the devil! I’m just sharing some pics of us in action from this week.”

I lean over to have a look. I appear in a quite a few of the pictures: carrying a big-ass roll of hose, tying a line to a ladder, sporting a big cheesy grin as Onyan ties a bowline around me.

“Kinky right?” Reiner sniggers, giving Bert a mischievous look.

“Get your mind out of the gutter babe,” Bert sighs.

“He literally can’t help himself,” I add. “The amount of innuendos that come out of this guy’s mouth on the daily is ridiculous.”

“Mate we’re surround by fucking hoses and poles and rope all day! It’s not my fault!”

Reiner chuckles to himself but stops abruptly when he scrolls too far and a very shirtless picture of him in half uniform comes on the screen.

“Shit!” He twists away from us to scroll back.

“Wait what the fuck was that!?” I ask trying to get his phone.

“Nothing! Nothing!”

“Oh Christ.” Bert holds his forehead and shakes his head, clearly mortified by his boyfriend.

“Not nothing! That was a sexy firefighter selfie if I ever saw one! Show us again!”

“Yeah show us!” Marco parrots.

“Babe I’m so sorry,” Reiner laughs, slinging an arm around Bert.

“It’s fine,” he says with an eye-roll. “Just don’t show them any others! I know what a show-off you can be.”

Reiner gives him a quick kiss on the temple and pulls up the picture on his phone. “Okay here you bloody pervs.”

Marco and I both lean in for a closer look, laughing loudly and grabbing at each other’s arms like a couple of excited kids. He nudges Bert, coaxing him into a high-five, which Bert can’t help but grin and blush at.

“I like how you’ve strategically placed the straps over your nips,” I grin.

“Well you gotta leave something to the imagination! Always leave them wanting more. Anyway I’ve shown you one of mine let’s see one of yours. Tit-for-tat and all that!” he says looking at me.

“I-I…I haven’t got any!”

“Bullshit! We’ve had the uniform how long and you’re telling me you haven’t taken any sexy fireman pics yet?”

“Why the hell would I!?”

Reiner spends a good few minutes arguing why it’s always a good idea to have sexy photos saved because ‘you never know’, while Bert and Marco laugh at my obvious disbelief that anyone could make these arguments with a straight face.

“Oh my god, we should totally get all the trainees to do a calendar for charity!” Reiner suggests gleefully.

“You’re insane.”

“I’d buy it!” Marco laughs raising his hand.

My head whips round at that, trying to work out whether or not he’s taking the piss.

Bert raises his hand. “Me too! I’d buy it!”

“What are we buying?” Historia asks sticking her head between Bert and Marco’s biceps.

“We’re trying to convince Jean and Reiner to do a sexy firefighter calendar for charity!” Marco grins.

“Oh my god are you kidding!? That’d be frickin’ amazing!”

“No. No no nope. I am not going to be peer-pressured into taking my clothes off. And you’re all terrible friends for trying to make me.”

Historia turns to me with a scowl, “Can’t believe you’re taking money away from charity Jean. Shameful.”

The twang of chords vibrating through the air saves me from anymore bullying as we all turn our attention to Eren, who’s started strumming what I quickly recognise to be the opening of ‘Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots’.

Eren playing usually acts like a siren’s song for me – my fingers curl and flex with the need to wrap around the neck of a guitar and before I know it, I’m right next to him singing and playing my heart out. Tonight though, that doesn’t happen. Tonight, the only urge I feel when Eren’s fingers curl around the strings is the urge to be close to Marco.

Lucky for me there’s a space next to the arm of the sofa he’s perched on. He watches me as I walk around him and sit down, my head about level with his waist.

I look up to give him a smile and he quirks an eyebrow at me. “You not gonna join him?”

“Nah. Think I just wanna listen tonight.”

He smiles softly and looks back towards Eren.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s getting late, maybe it’s the alcohol in my system, maybe it’s because we’re at the back of the room so no-one can really see me, or maybe it’s because I can’t see his reaction unless I tilt my head back. Whatever the reason, I make a bold move and let my head settle down against Marco’s thigh.

He tenses at first but doesn’t push me off, so I let myself relax and gently sing along. Eventually, the song draws to a close and Eren launches straight into another – one of my favourite’s actually – strumming the sweet-sounding opening for ‘In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.’

I hum contentedly as I breathe out, feeling myself sink into the flesh of Marco’s thigh a little further, and that’s when it happens. The sensation of warm fingers settling on my head makes my breath hitch, as Marco starts stroking my hair.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit! Is this actually happening?

His fingers draw gentle circles around my undercut; soft but with just enough pressure to have me practically purring in his lap.

So good.

His fingers still and he switches to gently stroking my crown with his thumb.

Am I in heaven right now? This must be what heaven feels like.

I give a contented sigh – not caring if Marco hears it – and let my eyes flutter closed.

I’m not going to sleep. I’m just enjoying the moment. I won’t let myself fall asleep.

“Jean…Hey Jean.”

“Hmm?”

“Sorry to wake you but I really need a pee.”

“Wha-? Oh...” Shit. Turns out I did fall asleep. “Sorry about that,” I croak sitting upright.

“It’s okay,” he beams, pushing himself up and walking through the door with one last smile over his shoulder at me.

It takes a moment for my brain to catch up with where I am. I rub the sleep from my eye and look around me. Lucky for me no-one seems too interested in the fact that I was just conked out on Marco’s thigh. Most people are still in the living room, slumped about on the furniture enjoying their quiet conversations. Connie and Sasha look particularly cosy – all curled up on one armchair and laughing at something on Sasha’s phone.

I smile as I watch them acting so comfortably with one another.

Bzzt bzzt.

My phone vibrates against my leg and when I pull it out, I see it’s a message from Eren. A picture to be precise, of Marco looking down at me where I’m sleeping in his lap; the tiniest hint of a smile as he rests his hand on my head. The caption underneath reads ‘I ship it’.

My heart squeezes with a bittersweet pain. The affection on Marco’s face is…disarming. Deep down, I know it’s just because we’re good friends. I know that’s the truth. But it’s honestly hard not to let myself believe in other possibilities when I look at us together – imagining what it would be like if napping on each other and hair stroking was the norm. Maybe waking each other up with a kiss on the temple.

No Jean. Stop. Don’t torture yourself.

Do ‘just good friends’ really look at each other like that though?

Marco comes back with a glass of water in hand. He doesn’t sit on the arm of the sofa, choosing instead to sit next to me. Right next to me. Leg-squished-up-against-mine levels of next to me.

“Here you go sleeping beauty,” he smiles, handing me the glass.

“Oh, thanks!”

Our fingers brush when I reach for it so I take a few big gulps to hide how affected I am by the tingling in my digits.

“Carrying all that hose around finally catching up to you?” he chuckles.

“Yeah must b-” A huge yawn cuts me off. “B-be. Sorry.”

“S’alright,” he chuckles again, this time ruffling my hair.

The exquisite feel of his fingers is over with far too quickly. My head almost chases after his hand when he drops it.

“You could erm…you could always sleep over…if you want.”

“…Yeah?”

“I-In my room,” he adds scratching his neck.

Ba-dum.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yeah. I could repay the favour, for letting me sleep over last week I mean.”

“I’m pretty sure I begged you to stay over Marco so wouldn’t that mean I owe you a favour?” I smile.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess so,” he chuckles softly, but then his face becomes more serious. “I just mean…well, my bed’s big enough and,” he lifts his head and turns to face me, his voice soft and eyes out of focus, “I…I wouldn’t mind.”

Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum.

The look in his eyes is scaring the shit out of me because it could so easily convince me of so many things. Like convincing me that maybe tonight is the night I tell him. It could be so perfect. Both of us huddled together warm and cosy beneath his sheets. Maybe he would start stroking my hair again. Then maybe I lift my head, so close that the tips of our noses brush. And when he doesn’t pull away I’ll kiss him. Tentative at first but then closer and deeper and I’d hum at the sweetness of his lips, the light taste of beer on his tongue…

Or maybe not. Maybe we’re both too giddy, too full of alcohol. I don’t want him to wake up with any regrets. That is not how I want this to go.

No. Tonight is not the night.

“Thanks for the offer but err…I think I wanna crash in my own bed tonight. I’m absolutely shattered.”

I pretend not to see the disappointment in his face. “Oh. Yeah no worries.”

“I think I’m gonna head actually. Struggling to keep my eyes open.”

I spend a couple of minutes saying bye to people before heading down the stairs to the front door, Marco trailing a step behind me.

“Let me know you get home okay,” he says holding the door open for me.

“Yeah will do. You free any days next week? Been a while since we went out for food,” I smile, hoping that small gesture will somehow make up for me leaving.

“Yeah maybe. Can I let you know?”

“Yeah course. No worries. Okay erm…catch you later.”

I go in for a goodbye hug, but it’s nothing like our usual hugs. He squeezes me tighter, his arms lingering longer, head buried further into the crook of my neck. My chest constricts painfully. We eventually let each other go and I turn to leave.

“Okay see you.”

I only get a few steps down the path when his voice stops me.

“Jean wait!”

“Y-yeah?”

He twists the bottom of his t-shirt and scratches the back of his neck.

“I’m erm…I’m not interested in that guy by the way. The one Sasha was talking about.”

I blink at him while my brain explodes and scrambles to put itself back together again.

“Oh…okay.”

My tongue has literally forgotten how to form full sentences.

“Just erm…thought you might want to know. Okay bye.”

And with that he steps inside and swings the door shut. I stare at the space where he was for a good few seconds. What…the…fuck?

The moment I turn to go there’s a gentle thud on the other side of the door and I look towards the sound, half hopeful and half terrified he’ll come back out. When nothing happens I puff out a huge breath I didn’t realise I was holding and start walking.

I walk without concentrating, hoping my legs will work on autopilot and somehow take me home, because the only thought running through my head right now is…Does Marco like me?

[meismalis]

I’m getting major dental surgery and I’m scared as fuck, haha. I had a bad experience at the dentist last time where I had to get my right bottom wisdom tooth out and the molar next to it because it had grown in sideways and cracked the molar and instead of fixing the molar, I decided to just take it out with the wisdom and that molar barely fit in my mouth anyways as I have a small mouth, haha. So when I got that procedure done, I was scared one bit or anxious, I’ve had dental work before, cavities filled, a root canal on my left molar and my two front teeth, like 3/4 of them are fake 😂 (when I was like 10, I lifted up a patio chair expecting it to be heavy but it wasn’t and it smashed straight into my face and teeth and broke my two front teeth right off, so they like made the bottom like 3/4 of my front teeth and glued/Moulded them on to what was left)

So I had work done before, had plenty of local anesthesia needles…. Well. This time, the dentist gave me the needle and we waited a bit and he did the thing to test if I was numb, pushed on my gum in the area and like tapped on the top of the tooth, and my lips were numb, so we obviously thought we were good to go. So he took the scalpel type thing and pushed it down into the side of the tooth and under so he could like pop it up and out (they don’t actually use pliers 😂) and the MINUTE he did that, I felt the most intense searing pain I have EVER felt, my whole face and neck and like inner Jaw nerves and bones were on fire, deeeeeepp down pain. It was crazy and I my body started to shake. I reactively screamed bloody fucking murder and he stopped and was like what the fuck and I was like “I FUCKING FELT THAT OMG I FELT EVERYTHING” and he gave me another shot, then tried again slowly and I felt it, another shot, felt it, another shot, still felt it. So at this point, he gave me all of the anesthesia shots he could and he said “well, you’re gonna have to go to the other location in town tomorrow and try the nitrous oxide (laughing gas) because we don’t have any at this location.” It was the end of the business day and they were closing and so was the other Mount Pearl location and the thought of going home with the half popped out tooth in my mouth still and having to wait until tomorrow and come back and go through it all again, I was just like “no. Just do it. As quick as you can” and I bunkered down, held onto the chair with a fucking DEATH GRIP and prepared. He continued and got it out, with me nearly breaking the arms off of the chair and my legs kicking the bottom of the chair. It was FUCKED. and like, the wisdom tooth that came out of my head was HUUUUUUGE, even he was like “that is one of the biggest wisdom teeth I’ve ever seen, it’s up there.” and I was like 👍 yeah. great, doc, can I leave? I got up almost immediately because I just wanted to leave and I started to see black and fell back a bit and then regained my composure, almost fainting. I was white as a fucking ghost and shaking and I have a fairly high pain tolerance, at least in my opinion, and people have told me this before and so have a lot of medical professionals.

When I got home, my fiancé saw me and was like, “holy FUCK, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, are you okay?!? No seriously babe, you look deathly ill right now, are you okay?”

So, it’s safe to say, ever since then, I have been TERRIFIED OF THE DENTIST.

Anyways, fast forward a couple years and I started having really bad stomach issues, my anxiety and panic attacks got really bad during that time period which cause a lot of nausea, heartburn, acid reflux issues, and I got a stress ulcer. So, I started to throw up everything day, like 5 times, upwards to 10 times a day, and most of the time I was just throwing up pure stomach acid, and this went on for about 6 months. Approx 3 months in, I noticed I had a good few cavities and my teeth were really sensitive and felt really weak, I kind of ignored it for like 2 weeks cause IM TERRIFIED OF THE DENTIST NOW, and just started to brush my teeth even more than I already was, and approx 3 weeks later, the cavities got a lot bigger in just 3 weeks and I noticed some decay was starting with the cavities, so I made a dentist appt and he loooked and said that yeah, decay was starting to set in but also, all the enamel on my teeth was stripped away and they were very weak, he said I already had very weak teeth genetically (I get cavities easily, can break teeth easily, etc cause I was born was weak teeth and it’s genetic) but he said this happened quicker and accelerated because I WAS BRUSHING THE STOMACH ACID INTO MY TEETH APPARENTLY WHICH LIKE NEVER OCCURRED TO ME???? YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH RIGHT AWAY AFTER THROWING UP. He said, you’re supposed to rinse with warm water with salt and then wait like an hour and then brush your teeth normally, but I was brushing right after I threw up, every time, which remember, was like 5-10 times a day, just PUREEEE stomach acid.

So anyways, I got all the cavities filled and this was approx a year and a half ago, about a year ago, I noticed more cavities, got those filled and then about 2 months ago, I noticed my teeth were getting more sensitive again and then the cavities I got filled, they were expanding and I was getting more cavities AGAIN andI went to the dentist and he said yeah, your teeth are just really weak and that time you basically stripped all the enamel off and the stomach acid, you’re gonna have to deal with a lot of issues and cavities every year, you’ll probably need a few root canals and as you get older, it’s just gonna get worse because again, genetically weak teeth. & like, Ive always took care of my teeth and brushed them every morning when I get up and every night before bed and sometimes during the day, I floss, everything. I just have genetically very weak problem teeth and then the stomach acid thing realllly messed them up. So yeah, He noticed as well that my back back molars, the gum line was pulling away and he did an X-ray and my back molars THEY WERE DECAYING FROM THE INSIDE OUT, so basically on the inside, it’s just all soft, and there’s just an outer shell, which he said, eventually they would just break.

ANYWAYS. He said that I’m always gonna have issues, and we can go ahead and fill the cavities again and that we can do root canals on the back molars or we can just pull em and replace em, but he recommended the latter as root canals are expensive and I’ll have to get more again to maintain it like every 8ish years. He then said that actually, what he thinks is beneficial for me, because im always gonna have issues now no matter what, is to just extract all of my top teeth (those are the problem ones) and then my bottom molar teeth, and we would keep my bottom teeth besides the molars as they’re fine and the enamel wasn’t badly eroded on those and no cavities or issues, we’d just straighten em up a bit to match the new top teeth.

So yeah, extract all of my top teeth and then get implants. Well, it’s an implanted denture essentially. It’s not a removable denture and it doesn’t have the like roof of the mouth piece, it’s literally just the “strip” of teeth and what they do is they extract all of the top teeth and then when you’re healed, you get like 4 holes drilled into your gum, up into your bone and then they screw screws into the holes and then implanted denture, it screw holes, and it just screws into place and it’s permanent, they’re super strong, you can eat everything, you can talk normally with no issue , etc. they’re like veneers! & THEY LOOK SOOOOOOO GOOD. Apparently a lot of celebrities have that done too, lol, they have like like glued on veneers for a while but to do those, the teeth need to shaved down and like eventually, they end up getting the teeth removed and an implanted denture, and they have such beautiful, striking smiles and no one knows, haha.

My dentist made me feel better too saying like, you’d be surprised how many women your age actually do have implanted dentures as well, as it’s a common thing (well not COMMON but less rare than you think) that women have like calcium issues and issues with their teeth and then during pregnancy, there’s this disease that happens where the moms teeth just get so weak and so bad and decay and just get destroyed during pregnancy and they end up having to get dentures. So I feel better about that.

I could just get removable top dentures as well but I didn’t wanna do that and the dentist Recommended I didn’t either because of bone loss. When you extract a bunch of teeth, you get bone loss bc your jaw bone has nothing to hold on to anymore and nothing to “work for” and then they start to shrink, bc they aren’t being used. Like in older people you’ll see what’s called “denture face” sometimes, and obv I don’t want that, and because I’m young, bone loss will set in by the time I’m like 34 bc it takes like 7 years for it to full come in.

SO YEAH, that’s what I’m doing. I’m Excited to not have to deal with all the issues and dental work all the time, AND I’ll have an AMAZINNNGGG smile and AMAZINGGG teeth, but anyways, I am fucking terrified because of my last experience 😳 even though they said, we’re gonna make sure you’re numb, you’ll have the anesthesia shots and we’ll have laughing bad for you but I’m still scared :( like I was reading articles on anaesthesia and dental anesthetic, and how it just doesn’t work on some people and how it actually is a thing and like I don’t know if that was just one off thing or if I’m gonna experience that again and I am terrified, but you know I it needs to be done and once it is, I’ll feel so much better and again I’ll have a beautiful smile so….

OH ALSO LOL 😂 😂 another reason I went with a fully implanted denture instead of just a removable top denture is because I thought about giving head and blow jobs and was like, well that top mouth piece, that would probably like move around or like my denture would come loose or fall out when giving head no?!? & I actually asked the dentist LMAOOO and he was like, they’re usually pretty secure once in there and with bond but yeah it’s a possibility 😂

AND MY FIANCÉ LMAOOOO HE WAS LIKE “Omg no don’t get implants, you could give me a gummer, apparently they feel amazing “ 😳 😳 😳 😂 😂 😂 I was like LMAO WHATTT & he goes “you’d have to pop it back in immediately after though 😂

and that’s another thing, I don’t wanna like take it out to sleep or whatever and have my fiancé see me without top fucking teeth LMAO

Anyways yeah

[deerblossoms]

SO! hashtag in washington and ****** and i have made out many times and apparently i was once a sort of bad kisser but now i suck less (literally). it’s embarrassing but i will live and ****** is too kind to dwell on it. i think i just get possessive. i want to eat them. have them all to myself. when i kiss their neck they make a lot of noises and i like that. <- i wrote this before i went back to new york. anyways here’s some me updates: i cut my hair a few weeks ago and it’s finally starting to settle into something nice, i was off my T shot for weeks but i just took it last night. god i get so scared about taking it now and it’s fascinating! i used to be totally fine at the start and now it’s a ten minute psych-up + panic attack. blargh. everything was totally fine in both new orleans and washington, my old feelings for luna did not come rushing back to consume me, my parents never found my septum piercing OR my tattoo or that i went to the halloween party ****** invited me to! just a sexy sexy week and a half. quite literally. i was stressed about what would become of margarita and i once i left and we didn’t actually talk about whatever it was that we were doing, but we’re fine. we’re genuinely totally fine and i’m fine. i have therapy tomorrow! i think. the appointment hasn’t been confirmed but it’s when i was supposed to have it. i don’t even know what i’ll say to them. i feel a little clammy lately. i’ve been thinking seriously about getting into the editor/publishing business. obviouslyyyy it won’t be as simple for me as it was for jess in gilmore girls but i think it’s the right thing for me to pursue. i hit my 30 book goal for the year! passed it, actually. i just finished reading the secret history by donna tartt and my god is that good. and i saw kim again! we had a really wonderful conversation. i feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin recently. sometimes i still have those moments where i feel shitty and nasty but i feel so much more settled. things with jo and i are good. i am a little jealous of him in two ways, that he’s got so many friends who see him all the time and also that he has SO many friends and coworkers he hangs out with and talks to outside of work. how does he do it!! how does everyone else but me manage to do it. i don’t know why i can’t hack it and i feel so stupid and lonely. i guess that’s what i should talk about in therapy. but things between us are good. so good i’m considering moving to pasadena for him but i know, i know i know it’s a bad idea. but he DID admit he has feelings for me, finally. actually right now i think my biggest stressor is the book i’m binding for him. i have to put the photos in it, write the foreword, design the cover, and then get the paper to print it on, print it and bind it. and i have one month. it’s POSSIBLE i’m just about to work a lot and it’s stressing me out a little. a lot. it’s stressing me out a lot. i HAVE to do this i have to get it done in time i have never been this dedicated to finishing a project before. i’m going to his birthday party and i’m so nervous about mingling with everyone. i apologized to shayne though, which was necessary and a weight off my back. and i watched the new york indie rock band doc, which i really loved and letterboxd hated for some reason. pretentious film criticism is when people disagree with my opinions online 👍👍👍 if anyone was wondering. i feel like that movie really revived my love for nyc and made me ask myself the age old question again which is, do i really want to move out of the city or do i just want to live near my friends? if jo and margarita and gabby lived here it wouldn’t even be a question. but they don’t, and i’m lonely. either way, if i don’t move next year i should probably quit my job. THOUGH if i can’t find somewhere cheaper to live i’ll have to stay. this is sooooo complicated

[twilight-orchid]

How The Demon Brothers React After Fighting With Their SO

tw: some angst with resolution at the end, mentions of past arguments, insecurity.

Lucifer:

This man is petty as hell.

He doesn’t do the silent treatment, but he acts like you aren’t dating.

If you need to work on something together, you’re a co-worker.

At RAD you’re a classmate.

Around the house you’re just a housemate.

His poker face is immaculate and it will not crack when you’re around.

If someone didn’t know what was happening, they’d probably think you two barely knew each other.

However, you won’t notice, but as soon as you look the other way his eyes are on you.

He’s used to arguing with his brothers and is no stranger to explosive fights that end with he and the other person not being on speaking terms.

But you’re different.

He tries to go on with business as usual, but he can’t think about anything other than how much he misses you.

Yet, he lets it continue because he just can’t put his pride aside and apologize.

If you decide to sleep in your old room it’ll both hurt his feelings and royally piss him off.

He thinks you’re being childish and will be pretty rude about it, but that’s because internally his blood just ran cold.

It adds a degree of seriousness to the argument that he’s uncomfortable with.

Yes he’s mad, but he can’t lose you.

If you still sleep in his bed, he makes sure to scoot over to the very edge so he doesn’t cuddle you in his sleep.

In fact, the first night after the argument he’d probably put a pillow between you just to really punctuate the fact that he’s still upset.

I’d say it could go 4 days to a week tops without you making up.

After a point though, he just can’t function until the issue is resolved. He can’t sleep, he’s falling behind on his work, and he’s just generally not doing well.

You get called to his office one night and find him at his desk surrounded by piles of paper, disheveled and exhausted.

“MC, come sit down. I’d like to talk this through. Please.”

Mammon:

He’s so dramatic.

You dare defy him? The Great Mammon can’t believe this tiny fragile human would have the audacity.

The theatrics are just a front though.

His ‘The Great Mammon’ act is a mask for his insecurity, one he hasn’t had to use with you in awhile.

Even as the words leave his mouth he regrets them.

He’s going to be very uncomfortable with everything until the argument is resolved, but most of all himself.

He’s learned not to take his brothers too seriously when they toss insults his way, but words have a way of morphing to belief over time.

Internally he is going to be super hard on himself. 

Regardless of if the fight was his fault or not, he’s going to kick himself constantly for making yet another mistake.

He’s over the argument pretty fast. The anger quickly melts into anxiety.

Are you going to leave him? Do you hate him? Did he hurt your feelings? 

That being said, he doesn’t know if you’re still mad and he doesn’t know how to ask. 

As a defense mechanism, he defaults to how he treated you when you first arrived in the devildom.

Calls you human, disregards you, stuff like that.

If you decide to sleep in another room, before midnight expect him to be knocking on the door.

“Oi, MC. You awake? I just - I can’t - *sigh* Can we talk about this?”

If you sleep in his bed, he makes a point of sleeping with his back to you.

Less because he’s actually mad and more because he doesn’t want his image of you as he drifts to sleep to be a look of anger.

Though as soon as he passes out he’ll roll over and tuck you into his arms on instinct.

I’d say any after effects of an argument with Mammon would be resolved in a day, maybe two tops.

Leviathan:

Arguing activates his trolling the forums mode.

Goes back to calling you a normie and contradicts everything you say.

He’s less mad about the argument and more using the bitterness to cope with how upset he is.

He feels like a break up is less of an if and more of a when.

Why would someone as amazing as you settle for weird otaku like him?

Honestly doesn’t understand why you’re with him in the first place, so when there’s a serious argument he assumes its over.

Tbh don’t know how you and Levi would sleep together being that I doubt two could fit in a tub, but any deviation to your routine sends him into a panic.

It’s his reality check that the situation is serious and he needs to fix it NOW.

He’d have trouble apologizing in person. He can’t think of what to say, he stumbles over his words, and he feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.

Instead, expect a long ass text message.

He says how sorry he is, how much he misses and loves you, and legit begs you to forgive him.

If you sleep with him like normal, he’ll probably try to make up after laying there for awhile. His mind is going a million miles an hour and there’s no way he can sleep.

Still really has trouble verbalizing how he feels, so give the poor boy a break and take over the conversation.

He hasn’t had a serious relationship before and he doesn’t know what he should do to make it better.

So the after effects will last however long it takes him to read several mangas, watch some anime, and play a few games to see how the characters get over arguments in the story.

Satan:

Satan makes sure not to fight with you over minor issues.

He’s worked tirelessly to tame his wrath and he refuses to feed into it over a minor issue.

Thus, if you fight with Satan it’s a major argument and it’s explosive.

The aftermath isn’t much better.

He doesn’t want to risk blowing up again, so he’s frighteningly calm.

He’s an absolute master of the silent treatment.

He won’t say a word to you until he’s certain he’s calmed down enough.

For the first few days he’ll straight up leave a room if you enter.

For a good while the only way you can expect to communicate with him is through his body language and the expression in his eyes.

Satan’s biggest fear is losing control and lashing out at you. 

He couldn’t live with himself if he hurt you and he can’t stand the thought of you being afraid of him. 

He’s a whirlwind of emotions, so he isolates himself until he can figure out how to deal with it.

Not just from you, but from everyone else too. 

Satan will not share a bed with you for at least the first night.

If he got worked up enough to actually fight, it’s gonna take him time to simmer down.

And he’d rather not risk doing or saying something he regrets in the meantime.

Once he’s ready, he’ll approach you when he’s completely calmed down and has thoroughly analyzed the situation.

He’s considered both of your sides, tried to pinpoint what caused the disagreement to turn into a fight, and made a plan of action to prevent it from happening again.

“MC? I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what happened. Would you please talk it through with me?”

He won’t apologize for the argument if he feels like he was right, but he will apologize for letting the disagreement escalate into a fight.

Satan could go weeks without making up if necessary, but he tries to resolve it within a couple of days.

Asmodeus:

Wants to give you the silent treatment, but is physically incapable.

He can’t stand to have you ignore him.

He’s the type to go back to normal then suddenly remembers you guys had a fight.

“Wait, no! I’m not talking to you! I’m mad at you!”

His biggest downfall is that he’s so stubborn.

If he thinks he was right, he will die on that hill.

There are arguments with his brothers that happened a thousand years ago and he could still tell you exactly why he was right.

But with you, he realizes that doesn’t matter too him nearly as much as it usually does.

If it means going back to normal, he’ll forget who’s right or wrong.

If you sleep in another room, he’s beyond offended.

“What?! Well fine! I don’t want you in my bed anyway!”

Laying in bed alone is a different story though.

He can’t sleep. All he can think about is you. Your face when you sleep next to him, your smell, the feeling of his arms around you.

He 100% cries.

Finally goes and knocks on your door with wet, glossy eyes.

“MC? Can we talk about this? I can’t get my beauty sleep and my tears are wiping off all of my skin care lotion!”

Will throw himself into your arms before you can answer.

If you sleep next to him still, he rolls over and watches you sleep.

It puts him at peace and he decides seeing your sweet, resting face every morning is worth more to him than the argument.

He’ll initiate the conversation the next morning.

I think Asmo could make it a few days if it was a really serious argument, but he will not function well until you make up.

Beelzebub:

Wants to make up immediately.

He doesn’t like to argue, even less so with you.

Whether he was right or wrong, he blames himself. He’ll take all the blame in the world if it makes you happy.

He’ll go make you your favorite food and bring it to you.

If he thinks you don’t want to talk to him, he’ll leave it outside your door and text you to let you know it’s there.

He’s honestly devastated if you decide to sleep in another room.

You guys migrate to your old room when you want privacy from Belphie, but you almost never sleep separately.

Seeing you grab your pillows and march out of the room nearly stops his heart.

He goes completely numb and silent as he just stares at the space you had just occupied.

Like Levi, he thinks this means the relationship is over and he genuinely does not know what to do with himself.

He can’t even bring himself to eat, he just wants to lie there, lost and trying to grapple with his emotions. 

He’s another one who will absolutely cry, but unlike Asmo he will make sure no one knows it.

If you still sleep in his bed, he’s very nervous about it.

He doesn’t know if it’s okay to touch you, what he can or can’t say, stuff like that.

He just lays there stiff as a board not even able to close his eyes.

Honestly the fight would probably have to be resolved before bed. His anxiety just can’t take it.

I don’t think he’d initiate the apology. Not because he doesn’t want to make up but because his confidence is rock bottom in these situations.

He catastophizes and honestly thinks you hate him.

If you don’t initiate the apology soon, Belphie will. He can feel what his twin won’t say, and he knows Beel won’t approach you about it for fear of making it worse.

Belphie will lock you two in a room if that’s what it takes for you to make up.

Belphegor:

The embodiment of if looks could kill.

He won’t talk to you, won’t look at you, basically pretends you aren’t there.

If he must interact with you he’ll roll his eyes and sigh the whole time.

Tries to sleep through any interaction so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

He feels almost betrayed by the fight.

He thought the relationship was stronger than to have such a huge divide, so he’s really insecure about it.

After the first day, the anger has melted away to guilt.

He ‘s not guilty that you fought, but he is guilty about how he treated you after.

Guilt and self-blame have become unwelcome friends at this point. Guilt over Lilith, over his plans to destroy the human world, everything.

But more than anything else, the guilt for the fact that he attacked you weighs on him every day.

He moved past it quickly after, essentially pretending he hadn’t killed you, but that’s because he just couldn’t confront what he’d done. 

He feels like the luckiest demon alive that you forgave him, let alone  opened you heart enough to love him, and now it’s all in tatters.

Another thing to regret.

If you decide to sleep separately, it’ll hit him like a bag of bricks.

“You - what? Where are you going?” 

It’ll take him a second to process what you were doing, but then he’ll roll over and let you leave.

“Fine. Don’t let the door hit you.”

No one will see him for awhile. 

Belphie sleeps all the time anyway, but he just can’t make himself get out of bed.

If you don’t approach him to apologize, Beel will tell you that he’s been nauseous and randomly emotional which must mean his twin is coping very badly. 

Will beg you to go make Belphie happy again. 

If you sleep in his bed still, the argument will be resolved by morning.

He can’t keep himself from embracing you in his sleep, and it’s hard to say you’re mad at someone when you wake up in their loving arms.

It’s hard to pinpoint how long it could last with Belphie. If you don’t apologize first, he won’t let himself be conscious long enough to approach you.

This is both my first hc post as well as my first obey me post so I’m sorry if le boys are ooc. I just got this idea and couldn’t stop thinking about it so here we are.  Especially Belphie, he was hard to me for some reason. Let me know if you guys agree or disagree and if you want to send a request or ask, my box is open! 

[jjungkookislife]

Quarterly Fic Recs 2021 #2

Hello! I’m back with another rec list! Here are fics I’ve read, loved and thoroughly enjoyed in the second quarter of 2021! They are all very wonderful fics! Each story has its own genre, warnings (and are mostly 18+), so please take that into consideration before reading. If any authors would like me to untag them, please let me know. Enjoy!

Yoongi

before i leave you @hollyhomburg

summary: Yoongi Disappears- leaving behind a shattered pack. 8 months later, Jimin finds Yoongi in an H-mart of all places.

Hoseok

heart-on @junghelioseok

summary: my boss is always telling me how perfect her son would be for me and she promises he’s coming to the next holiday party and don’t worry he’s heard all about me too and ALSO there’s this dude i slept with once a couple of months ago and sometimes he still sends me dick pics when i ask him to at 3 in the morning cause seriously dude’s got a good dick

Jungkook

charmolypi @njssi

summary: Work and pleasure should never be combined — or so the saying goes. But you were never really one to follow the rules in their entirety and neither were the ones around you. Love, lust, interest. Five people. In the workplace. What could go wrong? Everyone just wants to get something, after all.

when you least expect it @johobi

summary: You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation.

wherever there is you @jeonstudios

summary: you’ve been drinking, haven’t you?

instant gratification @dovechim

fuckboi@jungkook x cheerleader!reader

haze @yyooni

summary: So you’ve fucked the biggest fuck boy on campus. It’s a one and done. One night stand. A wham bam thank you ma’am. So why does it happen again?

OT7/Multiple Members

because i’m yours @minniepetals

summary: you should have known they’d never let you go after gathering the courage to ask for a kiss

blazed @ironicarmy

summary: Your friends try to cheer you up during Christmastime, but things go south once Hoseok appears with a mysterious brown bag.

Seokjin

one step @cutechim

summary:  attending an ex’s wedding is never easy, but you might just have the perfect remedy—if you can pluck up the courage to take it.

platonic @joheunsaram

summary: Finding a new method for stress relief, you rope in your bestfriend/fwb to try it out with you.

show me yours and i’ll show you mine @ktheist

summary: you’re a horny bunny yet kim seokjin always seems to manage to slide out of your grasps like a fox every time.

Yoongi

before i leave you pt. 7 @/hollyhomburg

summary: Pack omega kim Seokjin knows how to handle things when they go south (or alternatively you get triggered, Yoongi has a panic attack, and it’s a good thing the pack is there to help)

Hoseok

risky business @yoonjinkooked

summary: The person who invented smart glass office walls knew what they were doing. Your secretary fucks you stupid in the office.

snapshot @xjoonchildx

summary: after a day at the beach, hoseok has some surprises in store for his longtime love

keep me warm @ppersonna

summary: camping is always a great time when you’re with your friends, but even better with your boyfriend, hoseok.

it’s you @jinpanman

summary: An accidental confession throws your years-long friendship with Hoseok into disarray.

Namjoon

love bytes @stutterfly

summary: It’s been a year since you first met Kim Namjoon, the passionate, talented English professor at the local campus. He’s always been clumsy and aloof, but he’s on a whole new level in terms of “technologically incapable.” One call to IT was all it took to pull you into his life, and with it a whole string of friendships full of flirtatious banter and undying support.

Your dating situation has been drier than the Sahara for years now, and you’ve wasted too many lonely nights drinking alone, so you try your hand at Tinder. But you’re not getting any bites. When the group finds out, they are more than willing to help–even Namjoon, though he finds it increasingly difficult to deny that he’s hopelessly smitten. You consider their opinions on potential Tinder dates while fighting off feelings you never knew were brewing for the caring soul who becomes the home you never had.

out of my league @/ppersona

summary: Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out about your years-long hopeless crush on him. And he most definitely was not supposed to find out about it in front of all your coworkers in a company-wide meeting.

so this is love @jinpanman

summary: “So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of. So this is love.”

problem solved @sugasbabiie

summary: Namjoon helps you with more than math problems tonight.

love is @hxseok-honee

summary: they say that love is supposed to transcend time and space and that it knows no limits. but putting an ocean and thousands of miles between two people won’t make things any easier, will it? 

Jimin

potent pink @dntaewithluv

summary: The first time you see Park Jimin you’re instantly entranced by him. And it turns out he lives in the apartment next to the one you’re moving into, so even better he’s your hot neighbor. When the previous tenant confesses to you that he was the best hook up she ever had, you’re that much more intrigued. The first time you meet him, however, you’re deciding immediately that you hate him and want to stay as far away from him as possible. Jimin is determined to be a constant in your life though, and he definitely is that. Both a constant flirt and a constant pain in your ass. Is a ruined second impression enough to prevent you from ever giving him a second chance?

Taehyung

hush, yeah? @kithtaehyung

summary: the innocent accident that started it all

unfinished business @/dntaewithluv

summary: Besides wanting to catch up with some old friends, there’s only one reason you found yourself agreeing to attend your 10 year high school reunion. The boy you were in love with back then is going to be there, and you’re determined to finally make your move. Except, unfortunately, it turns out that Kim Seokjin is very much happily married. Kim Taehyung, however, is very much single and feels like he has something to prove to you after you turned him down all those years ago. One night is all it takes to make you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life.

under the covers @jessikahathaway

spy!au

darling @bloomsuga

summary: “go to sleep, darling.”

as endless as the stars ^

summary: he waited 160 years to meet you again, and now that he has, he’s not letting go. or: “i love you as deep as the ocean and as endless as the stars”

dirty dishes @jaysdimples

summary: when your boyfriend can’t seem to keep his hands to himself so he stirs up a little trouble in the kitchen while everyone else is a few feet away in the next room

devotion @/sweetbunnykook

summary: You and Taehyung were inseparable once. When you come back to your hometown after three years, fate pulls you back to him. And this time, Taehyung won’t ever keep his eyes off of you.

Jungkook

commercial break; twelve @1kook

summary: Anyway, if it was up to Jungkook, Kim Doyeon would not be a member of the Engagement Ring Committee.

tease @adonis-koo

summary:You came with the intentions of your best friend landing a job as a stripper. You never meant to catch the eyes of the king stripper of the establishment- Jeon Jungkook, yourself. With what was supposed to be a harmless way of paying off college debt faster you find yourself falling into a very odd and passionate relationship with your new mentor. Between infidelity, passion and jealousy there’s never a dull moment at Cherry Bomb.

jock!jk @angelguk

summary: going raw with jock jk

evolution of a lover’s heart @jeonstudios

summary: the rules are simple: first one to take the virginity wins.

euphoria @btssavedmylifeblr

summary: At the end of your life, you are given one day to live again with the man you loved. A lifetime’s love story told in a single day.

idealizations concerning real life relations @venusiangguk

summary: jungkook loves to be loved, but he doesn’t love in return.

relax @itsbuffsanta

summary: jk is antsy after the concert, so you help him relax.

employee of the month @/dntaewithluv

summary: Sometimes it truly amazes you how much of an idiot your boyfriend can be. But you also find it impossible to say no to him. Even when it involves letting him fuck you at his work on the same day that he gets awarded employee of the month…

ego 08 @suga-kookiemonster

summary: what’s a girl to do when her sweet, innocent baby lab partner isn’t quite so sweet and innocent? well, he’s a grown-ass man, and you’re about to learn that the hard way.

only you 10 @sweetbunnykook 

summary: Jeon Jungkook, your wedding photographer, helps you escape on your big day upon learning about a secret your groom-to-be kept hidden. You soon fall for this young, passionate photographer. However, you underestimated just how much he was willing to reciprocate that love. Maybe, you think, he’s loving you just a little too much.  

lunchbox lovers @jiminrings

stem major!koo x cold senior!y/n

crunchyroll & rail @/1kook

summary: Never mind the fact you really like Sailor Moon, or that you really want to pay attention to every little detail; the moment becomes Jungkook and his big smile and his red cheeks and the tiny box he produces from within his pocket.

only for you @jikookiekosmos

summary: It’s the night before your wedding and you should be happy…but a fight with your fiancé leaves you second guessing everything. A visit from the blue-haired boy of your dreams is just what you need to make it right.

lillies @dewykth

summary: “… white lines, pretty baby, tattoos, don’t know what they mean, they’re special just for you…”

bluekooberry @kimtaehyunq

summary: Your adoring boyfriend, Jungkook, surprises you with a brand new hairstyle before your trip to visit him for the weekend. He’s excited to see you, feed you, and give you exactly what you want.

bad reputation @noteguk

summary: in which you have to deal with some strange emotions for the first time.

not yet @bratkook

summary: jungkook feels the pang of guilt in his gut when you spot your recent ex out with his new girl, and what better way to make the jerk hurt than to have him believe you were now dating him, the neighbor he had been insecure about your whole relationship

incoming: elite chatboy @kookingtae

summary: welcome to Elite Chatroom, a sex chat company with a wide variety of services such as text messaging, phone call, and video chat. you signed up online for the most basic text service plan not knowing what to expect, but you certainly didn’t think you’d end up actually liking the man behind the screen.

ineffable @euphoria-vmin7

summary: your best friend Jeon Jeongguk has always been amazing and deserved the best, so you’ve hid your love for him. But unbeknowsnt to you, there may be feelings that could change everything between you two…

touch @gardentulips

summary: when you tease and please one another

Multiple Members

friendly fire @kpopfanfictrash

summary: The dynamic: Hoseok; your friend and previous fuck buddy. Jungkook; Hoseok’s roommate and subject of your massive crush. The scene: determined not to drunk-gush about your crush any more (to his face), you decide to seclude yourself from all campus parties. Until, of course, Hoseok guilts you into a favor. Things spiral from there.

the boys are back in town @/dntaewithluv

summary: Getting stood up by your date definitely hadn’t been on your agenda for the evening. Also definitely not on your agenda: bumping into Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook. Together. On the same exact night. It’s been a while since you’ve seen your two best friends, as well as lovers on multiple occasions, from your high school and college days. A chance meeting, some drinks, and a trip down memory lane is all it takes to reignite the attraction between the three of you. Old habits die hard, but these two? They just might be the death of you.

ruin you @taegularities

summary: “His eyes hold unfathomable darkness that lures you in, captures your very soul, steals any air you are trying to draw. And you know without a doubt that you’re on the path to utter and irrevocable ruination.”

ruin you (once more) ^

summary: Taehyung and Jungkook can’t keep their hands off you. Not even in the elevator.

Seokjin

kairos @luffles424

summary: When your financial aid falls through for your last year of school, you fear you’ll have to drop out and postpone your degree. Until Taehyung gives you a suggestion to make a lot of money, quick. His idea can’t possibly end well, can it?

appetence @luffles424

summary: appetence (n.) - an eager desire, an instinctive inclination; an attraction or a natural bondIt’s time for Seokjin’s rut. Are either of you prepared for this step?

tiny lights, tiny lies @ggukcangetit

summary: you aren’t sure when exactly your best friend’s brother went from being an oddly annoying set of broad shoulders to the shoulders you frequently fell asleep against.

Yoongi

the little things @kimtaehyunq

summary: When the present isn’t exactly enough for you right now, Yoongi is here for you through it all. He makes sure you know you aren’t alone and that it’s ok to feel alone.

cyberslut @kimnjss

summary:  he has no idea who you are… up front, you’re sweet and innocent - but in reality you’re the exact opposite. running your own nsfw account, where your favorite topic is his hands.

yoongi drabble @joonsgalore

life guard au

Hoseok

benefits @cutechim

summary: you and hoseok have taken the ‘friends’ out of friends with benefits, but exclusivity has its own perks.

Namjoon

namjoon drabble @lovetrivia

summary: You’re a hot girl on Twitch and Namjoon is an absolute simp.

Jimin

baby fever @writtenwhalien

summary: Jimin wants another baby, and much to your delight, he’s determined to give you one.

jimin drabble @/1kook

best friend au

small hands jimin drabble @lavishedinjimin

established relationship au

silk and lace @sunshyngal

summary: Min Nara is the newly dumped fiance to the Crown prince of Korea, Park Jimin. She’s not overtly upset , because at least now she can live her life without the pressure of the monarchy hanging over her head. Besides , Nara has a very dirty little secret. While she spends the day as the perfect high society girl with an impeccable pedigree , her nights are filled with lacy lingerie and webcams.  Ignored by the man she’s meant to marry, she revels in the greedy lust of strangers on the internet. It’s her way of saying ‘fuck you’ to a system that sees her as nothing but a toy, molded for the future King. Park Jimin doesn’t know the first thing about his supposed fiancee. And he has no intention of learning either. He knows just what debutante girls are like and he has no patience for the kind. Besides, his girlfriend of three years, the elegant and independent Irene is everything he would ever want in a wife . Or is she?Because in the secrecy of his office , after the day’s work is done , Park Jimin has a very scintillating vice that he likes to indulge in : the beautiful camgirl who calls herself the Temptress. Jimin can’t get enough of the girl’s lush thighs wrapped in silk, the pretty pink of her nipples in see through bralettes and the glittering temptation of the jeweled plugs she likes to stuff herself full with.Jimin thinks she embodies  everything he can never allow himself to have as a Prince : filth, sin and decadence , all wrapped up in Silk and Lace.

Taehyung

nip it in the bud @opaljm

summary: You’re not sure how you ended up here, but maybe a shitty ex and a horrible breakup had a hand in what placed you in front of the tattoo parlor. It was already a nerve-wracking experience, but what you never expected was seeing that the owner and artist giving you nipple piercings was your older brother’s best friend you hadn’t seen in ages. to make things even worse, he got fucking hotter.

taehyung drabble @joonsgalore

sugar daddy au

peanut @jungxk

summary: the making of peanut.

Jungkook

pretty kitty @venusiangguk

summary: you’re jk’s baby, his toy, and now his pretty little pet.

heavy metal @hisunshiine

summary: You come home from a trip to find your fuckbuddy has a… hole-y surprise.

devour @bloomsuga

summary: my sweet angel… i am going to devour you

grain of sand @jungkookiebus

summary: Blind since the age of 18 from a genetic disorder, Jungkook walked through life as if he never lost it, but on one fateful day seven years ago he literally almost runs into you. He fell in love nearly immediately. Fast forward to the present and it’s just another day in your quiet life with him by your side.

under the oak tree @mingoyeob

summary: as the eldest daughter of a duke, it’s your duty to marry at your father’s will. yet you didn’t expect to be marrying jeon jungkook, a knight of low status, especially when he departs for an expedition without another word after your first night. when he comes back three years later, this time as a renowned hero, how will you be able to face him and how will things change between you and your new husband?

jungkook drabble @1kook

dilf!jk

commercial break: thirteen ^

summary: Because for as much shit as you let him get away with, Jungkook is certain you’ll draw the line today.

sh. @wwilloww

summary: How could you say no to a month away in the mountains with your friends after six months of grueling quarantine?

jungkook drabble @lavishedinjimin

daddy!jk

OT7/Multiple Members

the end @jimlingss

summary: It’s been a habit of yours to vent in the form of love letters. There’s six in total. They’re kept secret, hidden in your closet. But on your 30th birthday, what you least expect is for each letter to become reality. All done by the whacky ghost of Christmas future trying to grant your birthday wish.

[nejibaby]

Daylight

Pairing: Portgas D. Ace x Y/N

Summary: You’ve been keeping things from Ace, but it takes a reoccurring nightmare to finally make you tell him.

Word Count: 3.6k

Daylight - Part 1 | Afterglow - Part 2

Loosely based on: Taylor Swift’s Lover album (but mostly about the song Daylight)

A/N: First of all, I just want to say there’s going to be a part 2 😌 Secondly, I’m sorry if this is angsty again 😫 Lastly, I wanted to give the reader some depth so there’s a backstory, I’m sorry if it doesn’t feel like a reader-insert. I tried my best... Please let me know your thoughts~

You wake up with a jolt, sweat forming on your forehead, heart beating significantly faster than usual, and tears threatening to fall from your eyes. The scenes from your nightmare are replaying in your mind.

The thing is you know it would be easier to tell yourself it was just a simple nightmare if your mind came up with those scenarios, however, that isn’t the case. The nightmares you get are often about the experiences you had to live through in the past. While you try to keep them buried, it resurfaces at the most unexpected days.

You take a few shaky breaths to calm yourself down, but that doesn’t really work out for you. Your room that was once a safe haven for you now feels like a suffocating cage. So you decide to get up and leave your room rather hastily.

You find yourself on the deck of Moby Dick, leaning on the railings and taking in the sight of the sun slowly ascending the sky. Only then are you able to breathe normally. However, it only takes ten minutes of silence alone before a sleepy figure breaks it.

“Y/N?” Ace yawns. “Baby, what are you doing here? Come back to bed with me,” he says as he rubs his eye.

You remain silent as you continue to look at the horizon. Ace frowns at your lack of response. He situates himself beside you, mimicking your stance. When he looks over at you, he instantly notices your red, teary eyes. “Did you… did you have a nightmare again?” He asks softly.

You’ve had a lot of nights that have been interrupted by your nightmares since you’ve been welcomed in this ship. He’s actually the first person to know about your nightmares, because his room used to be right beside yours and he’s heard your whimpers and wails. He doesn’t exactly know what your nightmares are, just that you have them. Nonetheless, he’s the first one to offer comfort to you, which must’ve been the reason you fell in love with him in the first place. But ever since you started sharing the same bed with him, the nightmares stopped coming altogether, except for today.

The genuine concern in his voice instantly makes you feel warm. You let yourself look at the rising sun a few more seconds before you direct your gaze to Ace, knowing full well that you won’t want to look at anything else once you settle your eyes on him. More precisely, you couldn’t actually look away from him.

The sun hits him in a certain way that makes him look amazing. Your breath almost hitched at the sight of him, but the worried look he gives you reminds you of your troubles.

“Ace…” your voice unexpectedly cracks. “I…”

His eyes widen in alertness, “Are you okay? No, don’t answer that, that’s a dumb question.” He cups your cheeks and kisses your forehead before asking, “You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’ll listen—”

You cut him off by saying, “I want to… I have to tell you this… But it’s… I just...” you release a shaky breath, “I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you.”

His breath hitches. A thousand questions fill his mind in an instant. Did you do something wrong? Did you finally realize he wasn’t worthy of your attention? Did you cheat on him? Why did you look so guilty?

You can see the panic on his face and you immediately decide it wasn’t something that you want Ace to feel, especially if it was because of you.

You close your eyes and try to even out your breathing. “Ace… I… I felt like I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night.” It unintentionally comes out as a whimper.

The panic on his face is replaced by surprise. You never really talked about your problems to him before and he never really prodded. The strain in your voice causes him to feel an ache in his chest. “Baby, I’m telling you you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to or if you aren’t ready—”

“...but now I see daylight.” You look at him straight in his eyes as you finish your sentence after he interrupted you. “I only see daylight.”

Ace takes a few seconds to process your words and then he releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. A smile makes its way into his face. “That’s good.”

You remain silent for a while, thinking of how to say what you want to say. You’ve kept your past far too long from Ace and he deserves to know you in your entirety, even if it could possibly end your relationship. But your thoughts were so messy so you say the first thing that popped into your mind, “You know… when you found me in the shipwreck, I was ready to die then and there.”

He shakes his head. “I’m glad I found you on time. Marco told me if I’ve been a few hours late, you would’ve died.”

“The crew…” your voice cracks again.

“It must’ve been hard on you. You don’t have to tell me. I don’t want to open your past wounds,” Ace interjects as he rubs your arms in a comforting manner.

“I was the one who killed them,” you say, tears forming in your eyes again.

Ace halts his movements at your declaration.

When he got to you, all your crew members were dead and you were heavily injured as well, so he assumed it was because some other pirates attacked your ship. He didn’t know that it was you who caused that destruction.

You finally let your tears fall as guilt creeps inside you like a long lost friend. “They were evil. I know they sheltered me, fed me, and I should be grateful, but they were evil. They killed and murdered for fun. They stole even from the poor. They terrorized villages.” You cry, “I can’t… I couldn’t… I couldn’t bear with—”

“Ssshhh. It’s over now…” Ace hugs you tightly.

You immediately melt into his embrace. He stays silent after that and you do too.

This wasn’t the only thing you are keeping from Ace though. You have yet to drop the biggest news about yourself.

Was Ace going to stay with you if you told him your identity? The question echoes in your mind.

Maybe you’re foolish to think that this could work out.

You start to feel queasy. This feeling brought you back memories of your most important conversation with Pops.

It was the day that he asked you to join the crew, or as he worded it, “family”, after you had healed from your injuries. You remember telling him he shouldn’t openly welcome someone like you.

You weren’t even sure if he had heard about you and your deeds, but knowing how fast news of that spectrum could spread and his status as a Yonko, you assumed he did but if he did, you wondered why he still insisted you join them.

And then he claimed that you’re too young to be left alone. When he said that matter-of-factly without a trace of malice, you almost gave in and joined on the spot, but you stopped yourself. You didn’t want to burden them with the dangers that come with you, especially because they took care of you until you fully healed. So instead, you just said you were going to think about his offer.

A week later, you found yourself knocking on Whitebeard’s door with the intent of talking to him. Then the next thing you knew, you were confiding in him. You told him who you are, what you’ve done, and why you’ve done them. It was the first time you’ve ever bared yourself to someone.

You expected him to give you a look of disgust or of anger, but he didn’t. Sure, it took a few minutes for him to process everything you’ve said but in the end, he looked like he was unfazed by your revelation. It was then that you asked him if he would still have you knowing who you were. He didn’t even think twice as he said, “You’re part of the family ever since my son brought you here.”

You remember feeling like a weight has been lifted off your shoulder because of Pops. He and the rest of the crew treated you as if you were their own blood, but also so much better than that, considering you had an awful relationship with your biological parents.

You start to wonder if Ace would react the same way. So far, he’s being gentle with you like he usually is. But what you’ve told him was only a portion of your story. It wasn’t the cause of your nightmares, although it might be an effect of it.

There’s a possibility that he wouldn’t accept you for who you truly are and it scares you. This fear gnaws at you. The fear of being left almost overpowers your desire to tell Ace everything, but you fight it with all your might. He deserves to know you, wholly. And if he doesn’t want to be with you after this, it was understandable. You wouldn’t hold this against him.

You gather the last bits of courage you have left and pull away from him. You wipe the tears from your eyes.

Ace reads your face. It’s easy to tell that you wanted to say more. He can see the determination in your eyes. So he waits patiently for you to talk.

“Do you know why my bounty is so high?” You ask.

“I think I heard Marco and Thatch talk about something… Hm…” he scratches his chin as he thinks. “Ah! I heard them say that they read in the newspaper that you killed a Celestial Dragon.”

You purse your lips. So he does know…

“Is that what bothers you?” He asks but you remain silent so he continues, “I’m sure you had your reasons. You aren’t the type to do anything just because. Hell, you don’t even follow my orders as your Commander when you think it’s unreasonable.” He chuckles. “They’re scums anyway, especially those Celestial Dragons.”

He’s waiting for you to crack a smile or verbally respond but it takes a minute and then two, you still haven’t said a word. You’re looking at him but your eyes are unfocused and glazed. He starts to worry about you. There must be something deeper behind the death of that Celestial Dragon.

Sometimes it’s hard for Ace to find the right words to say, just like this time. He’s aware you’re bothered or anxious about something, but he doesn’t know what it is about. You aren’t exactly confirming or denying his assumptions, and he doesn’t want to pressure you into talking about it. But… how is he supposed to say the right thing to comfort you when he doesn’t know what it is that bothers you?

However, there’s one thing he’s sure about, and that is his desire to protect you, to shield you from the cruel world.

He wants to erase the sadness that is overwhelming you. He simply can’t stand seeing you in pain.

For now, words fail him so he resorts to actions. He takes you in his arms once again. He tucks your head into his chest and rubs soothing circles on your back. He kisses the crown of your head and lets you know he’s there.

It doesn’t take long for you to break free from his grasps. You take a step back. But you think it wasn’t enough so you take two steps more. This confuses Ace, but you know it’s better this way. “I… killed two Celestial Dragons,” you correct him.

Ace nods his head.

“They are…” you shake your head, “They were… my parents.”

He tenses from your declaration.

“I am— I was a Celestial Dragon.” You mumble. Before you lose your courage entirely, you quickly tell him about everything.

You tell him about how as a child, you didn’t think much of your status and your actions. You acted accordingly as a Celestial Dragon, that was how you were raised after all; as a person who didn’t pay any thought to another person besides yourself.

That was, until you became friends with one of your slaves who was around your age. “She was really nice to me. She was one of the few people brave enough to talk to me. But we only talked when we were inside the comfort of my room without my parents watching, knowing they disliked it when slaves talked. Because of her, I realized how lonely I actually was. The only people I got to interact with during those days were my parents, their Celestial Dragon friends who visited once in a while, and the slaves  because I wasn’t allowed to go out of our home until I was nine years old. So she was a really good company for me. She talked about the life in the villages she went to and all types of people she met. It’s funny because she even taught me manners,” you smile at the memory of her, albeit momentarily. “Every story she told was so interesting and every day I found myself wanting to visit the places she described, and to experience what she did before she became a slave.

“But one day, my parents found us talking and playing together… And they deemed it horrific for a slave to act that way with me.” You clench your fists as the memories come crashing down on you. “So they killed her… in front of me. And I couldn’t do anything to save my only friend.”

It’s their fault for thinking they could act like that towards you. We’re gods, they’re merely humans. You could almost hear the words your father spouted that day.

Ace is listening closely to you, but he has that faraway look on his face. You aren’t sure if he’s picturing the scenarios you told him about or if he’s remembering an awful memory of his own involving Celestial Dragons. Either way, you can tell from his face his distaste.

There is so much more to say though, so you continue, “That kinda put things into perspective for me. It made me resent my parents, their way of living, and the way they raised me. It opened my eyes to how cruel and horrible every Celestial Dragons were. It made me wonder how many lines have I crossed unforgiven… And I just drifted apart from them.

“I was upset and angry about everything but I didn’t know what to do about it so I kept myself locked up in my room. My shitty parents thought getting a new slave my age would make me feel better so they did just that, but that didn’t change the way I saw my parents.

“Be that as it may, I started getting out of my room again, afraid of what they would do if they thought the new slave wouldn’t be of any benefit. In the end, I befriended her, although she was way more timid than my first friend and she was always scared to drop her guard. This time though, I was more careful when interacting with her. But she was the only one I could protect from the ton of slaves my parents had and it just… It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“For years I couldn’t do anything more. And the longer I stayed under their roof and the more I saw of them treating humans as awful creatures, the angrier I got until I just snapped. And I...” your voice cracks once again.

“You killed them.” Ace finishes the sentence for you.

You nod your head meekly. “The way out of Mary Geoise was tricky because I wanted to bring as many slaves as I could so they could be freed. Somehow I managed to do just that. I parted with them at Sabaody, but... I heard some of them got recaptured,” you weep. It broke your heart; you tried your best to give them back their freedom but it was short-lived for some. You hate the fact that you gave them a small flicker of light— of hope— only to have it extinguished within moments.

You fall silent as you remember how there was nothing you could do back then because you had to run away too. You were aware that it was only a matter of days before the Nobles would learn of your crime and have someone from Cipher Pol or maybe an Admiral come after you.

“Maybe… Maybe I should have ended the bloodline then and there…” you mumble. “I remember thinking, no, hoping, that it would be Aokiji-san who would be sent after me. At least then, if I was to be executed, it would be in the hands of someone who was at least nice to me. But that was selfish, and for all the sins my family and my descendants committed, I cannot afford to be selfish.

“But then again, wanting to live is also selfish,” you chuckle humorlessly. “I tried to reason to myself that I should live just to make sure no one suffers the same fate as the slaves, but I haven’t been doing a particularly great job at that, considering I wounded the good and trusted the wicked when I got mixed up with Morganeer pirates.” You look away from Ace momentarily as you let your tears fall once again.

The tears have fogged your mind and you find yourself not wanting to say anything more. You take a quick peek at the man in front of you. He looks tense, rigid. He doesn’t speak nor look back at you. His face is void of any emotion. Somehow he doesn’t look like himself; he doesn’t look like the goofy, sweet Ace who fell in love with you. And perhaps it’s all your fault.

Observing the man who holds your heart, you realize that he too doesn’t have anything to say. Maybe you should tell him that you’re going to give him time to process things alone, but words died on your throat the minute you started crying again. So instead of bidding him a goodbye or even a “See you later” or waiting for him to tell you to leave, you run.

Maybe that’s the only thing you’re really, truly good at.

For the rest of the day, you stay in your room. Once in a while someone would knock to ask if you’re alright, but it’s never Ace, so you lie and say you’re fine. No one seems to question you after you say that but you can tell from their faces they don’t believe you.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner comes and goes but you still haven’t left your room, let alone your bed. You haven’t touched the food that Thatch left you too, and it makes you feel bad but you have no appetite at all and you’re feeling quite nauseous.

You wait until the ship grows silent as the crew starts to get ready for bed. When you’re sure that most of them have been lulled to sleep by the calm sea, you get out of your room and head to Pops. You haven’t even knocked on his door yet but he already tells you to come in.

As soon as you close the door, he asks why you haven’t gone out of your room the whole day. You inform him, and he nods in understanding. “Do you want me to talk to him or beat him up or something?” He asks.

You shake your head, “Can I… Can I depart tonight?”

“Where to?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet…” you tell him earnestly.

He gives you a look, as if saying, “Do you really think I’d allow you if you aren’t sure what you’re going to do?”

“It’s just that… Its anniversary is coming up and I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time.”

He laughs, “You aren’t going to be able to bring my children down.”

“I know,” you smile briefly. “But... I don’t want to cause anyone any trouble in case something happens…”

He sighs, “Okay, but bring—”

“No, I want to be alone.”

For the first time in a while, you see Pops frowning. It’s evident that he didn’t want you to be alone, it’s far too dangerous for you.

You understand where he’s coming from but you need time for yourself, and Ace needs time without you too. So to convince him, you hand him your vivre card and a Den Den Mushi. You didn’t have to tell him anything more, the pieces of items speak for themselves. It’s for him to know that you’re safe and you’ll be safe.

He looks at you solemnly, but nods anyway. It comes to a surprise to you when he pulls you into his embrace. He whispers, “Be safe, my child, and come back home soon to us.”

You nod with tears in your eyes. Pops has always been nice to you, even when you know you don’t deserve it, so leaving is hard for you. Although you’re both hoping you’d come back, you both know it’s not going to be easy. The seas aren’t as forgiving as humans, after all.

“Thank you, Pops,” you tell him as you break free from his embrace.

When you’ve boarded your boat, you take one last look at Moby Dick and think, “It was nice finally seeing the daylight because of Ace, but perhaps it was time to go back to sleep and face the nightmares instead of running from them.”

[lord-of-christmas-lights]

I could post regular Narnia headcanons...

Or I could post the continuation of this post and go into depth about how Eustace and Caspian are affected by deity Narnia. Welcome back to Inhuman Narnia 101 and it turned out just as long as the first one so buckle up.

Check out this post by @dorianviolet for another awesome version of Inhuman AU Caspian

Warnings for slight body horror mentions including blood magic stuff, slight religious themes and theological discussion towards the end.

Before anything: This AU directly contradicts canon a lot. I don't care, that's why it's called an AU. Some of it is deliberate, some of it is accidental. I haven't read the books in a number of years, so this is all based on the movies and general information I've picked up from fanfic and tumblr. Discussion on this post is welcomed, criticism and arguments are not. Thank you.

First off, here is the link to an exploration of Dragoning, the Eustace-centric fic I wrote about this. I refer to it repeatedly in this post so if you want the full thing, there it is.

Second, let's get into this. So in my last post, I talked a lot about Narnia, her general existence in this AU, and her motivations as a character. She wants the people in her world to be a part of her, and no one else. Some of this is a conscious choice, and some of it isn't. Eustace's changes throughout his time in VOTDT are definitely not purposeful. It was his greed that drove him to the treasure, it was his own "curse" in becoming a dragon. That was not Narnia reaching out to him and purposefully trying to mold him to her world. As such, he takes on more of an observing role.

Eustace doesn't ever actually directly address his cousins on the subject of their inhumanity, in this fic or in any other I write. He simply sees it, notes it happening, and moves on. Even in the sections in my fics where the subject of inhumanity in general is brought up between Eustace and one of his cousins, it's always about Caspian, the greater Narnian world, or himself.

"Eustace asks why, and Lucy answers. Narnia changes people, she says. It happens to everyone, but the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized. It's exhilarating, isn't it? Aslan will return us to normal though, at the end of our journey." - AEOD

I don't know why, but I don't like the idea of Eustace trying to directly address the Pevensie brand of inhumanity. That line above takes place after his UnDragoning, after the way he sees things has changed, and I see it as him asking what exactly has changed, you know, why are Dragons different than boys?

That brings me to how Eustace himself changes. Now, if he hadn't gone and turned into a Dragon, I imagine Narnia wouldn't have taken much note of him. He's a random human, stuck-up, not at all in line for ruling her lands, and just kind of exists without much else going on. She still would have affected him a little, as she does to all humans in her world but it would have been almost entirely spiritual with no physical changes. And then we got the greatest fuck around and find out scene ever. He becomes a Dragon.

I love dragons, always have, I have a very deep spiritual connection to these creatures, and as such, I have gone all out on worldbuilding for Narnian Dragons. Again, the quote from AEOD, "...the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized." In the Inhuman AU, Dragons were the first creatures Narnia (the deity) and Aslan made when they created Narnia (the world). They just really liked the dragon shape from other worlds and thought, "Hey wouldn't it be cool if our world was populated by these big fire-breathing lizards?" Now I don't actually remember how often Dragons are mentioned and/or featured in the books so I'm going with my idea that Dragons are a somewhat rare but not extinct species. They have to be created through magical means, often through physical transformation of people or objects, though there are a few known cases of natural-born Narnian Dragons. Eustace's creation was the curse on the treasure, though I don't see his Dragoning as a curse itself. As in, the curse isn't in the being a Dragon, it's in how the Dragon was created. So, Eustace experiences this accidental change into a creature that's closer to Narnia's Heart than pretty much any other being in Narnia. They were her first creations, forged from the fire in the Stars, and they are the closest to her magic. And that gets her attention.

Now, if you went and read AEOD, you'll have noticed that one of Eustace's biggest changes (aside from the obvious physical ones) is his vision. This is just a natural thing for Dragons, they are far more in tune with magic and the earth and everything than everyone else, but Narnia's special interest in him definitely amplifies the hell out of his magic sense.

"The people here say dragons see the oddest of things, and he has to assume it's a hallucination....He refuses to give into its whims, reminds himself it's just his imagination. Until Reepicheep comments on it." - AEOD. Following this quote, Reepicheep mentions to Lucy that her inhumanity is returning faster than Edmund's and Eustace has a total panic attack at the idea that what he's seeing is real. He sees what everyone else does, Lucy's stained fingers and Edmund's ability to manipulate words, but he also notices stuff no one else does like the stars in Edmund's throat and the echoes that follow Lucy's words. This is further cemented after his UnDragoning, where the extra stuff he perceived has vanished. Now the general idea in this AU is that the closer to Narnia's Heart you are, the more you know and perceive. Everyone can see some of the more obvious inhuman aspects of the Pevensies, but there are things that only Dragons, druids, Stars, and some other magic folk really close to Narnia's Heart see. I'm not going to get into an exact chart of what certain characters can and cannot see because that can change over time and such and I'd rather leave it mostly up to personal interpretation on what other characters do and do not perceive about the Pevensies and other such inhuman characters.

(Side note—I had to pause in the writing of this post here to go to my second meeting for an autism assessment and I think if I just showed the doctor my notes app and the inhuman/dark fantasy narnia tag on my blog, I'd get the diagnosis instantly lol) So anyways, Narnia senses Eustace becoming a Dragon and is like "Ooohoo what's this?" and starts sort of digging into him in the same way she does to her Kings and Queens. This triggers his already enhanced perception of Narnia (the world) to get even stronger, and this is when he starts seeing stuff like people's souls, Caspian's second heart (more on that soon), and looking at Lucy/Edmund/Lilliandil becomes almost painful because Narnia's magic is so bright in them. Aslan then UnDragons him, which Narnia really doesn't like btw, and Eustace is back to being a fairly average human.

This is where stuff established in AEOD ends.

Now I have so many ideas and half finished fanfics written out in my notes app about Eustace, UnDragoning, and inhumanity and it would be impossible to cover them all here, so I'm just going to go with the highlights. One of my favorite ones is the idea that after Eustace's UnDragoning, he still feels very connected to being a dragon. He's had this taste of pure inhumanity, and something like that doesn't just leave a person. There's a fic I read once long before I was fully invested in this fandom about Eustace and draconity that I will never stop thinking about and was actually the reason I started considering Eustace and Narnian Dragons in this AU. One of the really important things to note is that once a Dragon is created, they can never be uncreated. They can be UnDragoned, where their physical form is returned to whatever it was before their Dragoning (a rock, a talisman, a faun, etc) but their soul has changed on a fundamental level to that of a Dragon. Now for Eustace in my Inhuman AU, this manifests spiritually as a deep longing to return to being a Dragon. Physically, he experiences fun side effects like increased heat tolerance, nails that grow faster than normal, and because Narnia likes to meddle, a single ridge of scales along his spine. In some versions of my drafts, he stays at the end of VOTDT and experiences a slow Dragoning because Narnia's influence on him is that strong, other versions he stays but never quite returns to the Dragon he was before, and in yet other versions, he returns to England and loses that connection enough that physically, he will never be a Dragon again. As I said, Narnia is fascinated by him, she's never really had a human Dragon before, but he is still just a random guy who happens to be related to the Pevensies and as such, she doesn't invest as much time or magic into his inhumanity.

So that's Eustace. This is already such a long post but I promised to talk about both him and Caspian so here we go.

Now, in my last post I talked a bit about how Narnia (the deity) affects the other humans in Narnia (the world) to an extent, but it's nowhere near the amount she does to her Kings and Queens, and also this diminishes more and more the farther you get from Narnia (the country). Telmar is fairly close to Narnia (the country) but as we see in PC, a lot of Narnia's magic and spirit has been diminished by the time Caspian is born. Up until the awakening of the land during the battle, Caspian is essentially 100% human. However, this changes very quickly.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment Caspian becomes a King of Narnia. Is it when he refuses to kill Miraz? Is it when Aslan tells him he's one? Is it during his actual coronation? Yes, yes, and yes. I try not to pin it down to an exact moment. By the end of PC though, he's definitely noticing some changes in himself. I have an unpublished part 2 to an exploration of Inhumanity (my only other actually posted fic on this stuff) that I swear I will clean up and get posted soon that goes into further detail on the changes he's noticing at the end of AEOI. Some of the big ones include a second golden heart, seeing some of the life magic in the world around him, and a golden glow on his palms. He also slowly develops the ability to heal, though it's not always consistent. Magic takes practice, lots and lots of practice. In pt 2, the glow on his palms has gotten so bright and also spread around his head like a halo, and Lucy shows him how to conceal it so he's not impossible to look at, but because of Magic™ there's still a dusting of golden powdery stuff across his skin. His blood turns golden because Ben Barnes + golden blood is such pretty imagery, and like the others, it gets sucked down and absorbed into Narnia's Heart when he bleeds in battle. Also when I say he's got a second heart I mean he's got a second fucking heart. Ribcage shift and all. (His appearance doesn't actually change, it's more like a pocket dimension thing going on inside him, but he sure as hell can feel it happening). Having Narnia as a patron goddess just means you have to put up with a second puberty sometimes lol.

Anyways, there's a line in AEOI that I feel explains this stuff really well. "He cannot truly protect the land without becoming a part of it himself." Narnia changes her Kings and Queens because she wants them to be a part of her. Aslan doesn't really see these changes as necessary (in canon, a world without deity Narnia, they don't happen), and if the storyline we pick is the one that's the constant cycle of humanity and inhumanity, it's sort of a push and pull between them. Aslan wants the Pevensies, and by proxy anyone else who rules Narnia or experiences these changes, to keep their humanity, to stay as they were Created by him. Narnia, however, wants them to be as much a part of her as she is of them. It's very clear in both the books and the movies that Narnia (the world) is where these characters belong. In the end, they all come home to her (yes, Susan too because fuck Mr. Clive Staples Lewis). Caspian being anything less than fully inhuman is something she cannot handle. She is constantly having to recreate the Pevensies, reestablish her hold on them, only to have them return to England and become mostly human again. Caspian cannot be taken away from her, he is in this world by birth and she is going to do everything she can to shape him into the ruler he needs to be.

Once again, I would like to state that Aslan and Narnia are not opposing sides of good and evil. Gods cannot be defined by human standards, and to think either Narnia or Aslan completely in the right or wrong in this AU would be, well, an interesting standpoint, but really not the one I'm going for here. I'm not going to say it's a misinterpretation, I am very open to hearing people's thoughts on this AU, and everyone's going to see things differently. Just, please reread what I've written about them before you start making that argument.

Anyways, that wraps this post up because I have spent the better part of the past 6 hours writing this. I spent way more time on Eustace than I intended but it's just so fascinating to think about inhumanity from his perspective considering he's the only one in canon that actually was (briefly) inhuman. Again, if you got this far, congratulations! If you use any of my ideas mentioned here, please tag me, I am so starved for inhuman Narnia content lol.

[neonicrainbowwolf]

August 6th, 2022

Anyone ever have a crush on a teacher? I assume that’s something normal, probably the only normal shared experience i’ve ever had with another human being. Anyone ever have dreams about their teacher crush making out with them? Well they didn’t make out with me, they just kissed me on the cheek and hugged me, which was enough to make me happy. The problem is that I’m 22 years old, and when I liked this teacher I was 17 and 18 years old. I don’t know why I’m thinking about this person, who I’ve nicknamed Cute Monster. It’s been almost 5 years, and I’ve developed another (unhealthy) infatuation with Luke from 5 Seconds of Summer.

I haven’t heard anything from Cute Monster since they got rid of their Instagram over a year ago. The only proof they that exist is from the instagram that they used for their class a few years ago. It’s also funny because Cute Monster in the dream was attracted to females. (I suppose I have a habit of liking people who are either bisexual or strictly into men. I also think that it comes from me liking feminine men in the first place. Oh well, that’s something to be thought about for another day.)

Afterwards, the whole dream had me thinking of how simple like was when I was 18. My biggest worry was running face to face with my crush at school. Now it’s trying to find a job that I can work that won’t make my social anxiety act up, and one that won’t give me any panic attacks. Or the constant waves of depression that I feel off and on every other day, and trying to find the right medicine that actually works and seeing a good therapist that takes my insurance. So much has changed in the last few years, and I try not to dwell on the past because it’s not healthy for me. It often leads to me comparing the past and the present and I get so upset that I end up depressed for the rest of the day.

Then Dale Gribble from King of the Hill showed up in my English class at some point.

I guess i’m using this as a dream journal of some sorts. I don’t really know. Anyway, have a good day.

(Putting this song because I made a reference to it in the dream when I carried a giant white owl outside and saw 8 kittens the size of my fingernails while doing so.)

[rjhpandapaws]

Will Never be Boring

Ch 3: A Weekend in Blue

Once they made middle school being a grade above everyone wasn’t s bad. They had a little more control over their classes and the electives were all mixed grades so he still had a chance to be with his friends. Understandably they all tried to match up. He wound up with a lot more creative type classes than he originally planned for. Connor wasn’t particularly creative. He preferred numbers and provable things, but getting to spend a little of his time with Markus everyday more than made up for it. Over the years Markus had added painting to his talents, and Connor was always blown away by the sheer amount of feeling in them. He always seemed delighted when he got to see Connor’s child like messy drawings in turn. Personally, he despised them. Middle school brought more work with it so it became more difficult to hang out as an entire group. They began to section off a little and it left Connor feeling strangely. He had always thought the group of them would stay close. It wasn’t like there was fighting or anything, they were just drifting. His dad said these kinds of things happened sometimes, and that they would come back together eventually.

Markus made a few of his own friends, but in all of that he tried not to leave Connor behind. He knew Markus’s birthday was coming up and Connor was trying to figure out what to do for it. He wasn’t very creative so a homemade card or poem was immediately out of the question. That left using his saved up allowance to buys something, or giving up. He did his best to come away with something that wasn’t overly predictable, and failed horribly. He eventually decided on a book of advanced painting techniques and a new paint set to go with it. Better than the sketchbook he’d originally been debating, but not great. In the end it didn’t really seem to matter much because he wasn’t invited to the birthday party. The only people that got to go were the friends from his various art classes, which Connor found strange. Connor tried to be reasonable about it. He wasn’t very comfortable around Markus’s new friends. Maybe he had been trying to respect that. It didn’t lessen the sting, but this made it easier not to be upset. He was sure Markus had a reason. In the years they had been friends he had never been to Markus’s house. The most of he knew of it was that he lived up on the hill where all of the nice houses were with his brother and his grandpa; though Connor had never met either of them.

It was about a week after the party, and after the gifts had made their home at the top of Connor’s closet, that Markus approached him about it. He looked just as uncomfortable as Connor felt. They hadn’t really talked since Connor’s birthday, and he had been trying his best to make peace with the fact that Markus was drifting away from him. Just like everyone else. “Hey Connor?” He asked once they were settled in their art class, “Can. uh, can we talk please?” He looked down and tapped his fingers against the table to try and get rid of some of his nervous energy, “Are you sure you want to talk to me? Why not talk to your other friends?” Markus was quiet for a long moment and Connor realized that he might have been a little harsh. “Because,” He said eventually, “They aren’t the ones I hurt without meaning to. I’d like a chance to explain myself if you’ll let me.” It was is turn to be quiet this time. In part because their teacher was talking and he didn’t want to draw attention to himself; and because he wasn’t sure he was ready to learn that Markus had outgrown him too. “Okay.” He said quietly, “If you want to.”

“Will you listen, or are you still upset?” He asked and waited for Connor’s tentative nod before he continued, “I know I probably should have said this before the party and I’m sorry for that; but I didn’t invite you because I knew you would be uncomfortable. As much as I wanted you there, I couldn’t invite you knowing you would be miserable if I did.” He explained, “My plan had been to have that party last weekend, and one for just the two of us this weekend. Um, if you, well if you still want to anyway.” Connor could have cried, but he wasn’t about to have a breakdown in class, “Of course I still want to.” Then, after he had collected himself a little more, “I’m sorry for being rude.” “It’s fine. I’m just glad you aren’t upset with me anymore.” He smiled. Just like that, things were back to normal. Markus had his other friends, but he also didn’t seem to have plans to leave Connor behind. The weight of wondering where he had gone wrong that had been threatening to bury him was finally off his shoulders. He could breathe again. When he got home the first thing he did was try to wrap the presents he had bought Markus. Just this once, his homework could wait.

A single interaction with one of Markus’s art friends was all the proof Connor needed. While Echo was very kind, she was also very touchy and Connor was immediately uncomfortable. She stopped when he asked her to, but he still chose to excuse himself from the interaction. He was glad now, that Markus had thought to keep him away from this. As he headed to the library he heard one last thing. “I don’t think your seventh-grader friend likes me much.” Echo told Markus, “Did I do something wrong?” “No.” Markus said kindly, “It just takes him a while to warm up to people.” He supposed that was true enough. He was just wary. Kids his age were loud for whatever reason and it got to be too much a lot of the time. It was just easier to keep his distance and wait for someone to come to him. He still felt a little guilty though, Echo had only been trying to be nice. Maybe on a day when he had more spoons he could try again, and just try and stay out of arm’s reach or something. He hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings and he wanted to fix it.

Friday he came to school with an extra bag. Inside were the things he needed for the weekend and the presents he had gotten for Markus. He was equal parts excited and nervous. He hadn’t gotten to meet Markus’s family and he was worried they might not like him. The plan was to ride Markus’s bus at the end of the day and then again on Monday morning. Of course, if he got uncomfortable he could always call his dad to come get him, or walk home if it came to that. Perks of living in the same neighborhood he supposed. It wasn’t that he expected things to go wrong, it just eased his anxiety to know that he had a way out if he needed one. Markus seemed to understand which was nice. Since it was their first big weekend like this, Markus had helped him come up with a color system. Blue meant things were fine; yellow meant that he needed a moment to himself to try and get it together; and red meant it was time to go home. He hoped he wouldn’t have to use red, but just like his exit plan, it was a nice thing it have in case he needed it.

The day passed faster than he would have liked and he wasn’t ready for the sheer number of the kids on the bus. His bus was usually pretty crowded, but never like this. It made a little more sense why their neighborhood had three different buses now. “Color?” Markus asked s they settled in one of the seats toward the back. “Blue.” He replied. He hadn’t been expecting this many kids, but he was okay for now, “I’m alright.” Markus took his hand and squeezed it, “You can always listen to your music if you need to, that’s what I do sometimes.” “I might.” He replied, but for now he wanted to try and stick it out for as long as he could. He managed about half of the ride before he had to put on his noise cancelling headphones or risk having a panic attack. It wasn’t that anything in particular had happened, the constant chatter had just grated on his nerves more than he planned. His bus wasn’t exactly quiet, that was categorically impossible for middle schoolers, but he was used to his bus and not this one. Markus only squeezed his hand again and then let him be until it was time to get off. He was thankful to be free of all that noise.

“How do you deal with that every single day?” He asked after he had taken his headphones off. Markus gave a nonchalant shrug, “I’ve lived with Leo my whole life. They aren’t any louder than him on any given day.” “I suppose that helps.” He said distantly, he wasn’t ready to deal with more noise so soon after the bus. “You don’t have to worry about him though.” He replied, “He’s got plans tonight at least. It’s just going to be the two of us and my Grampa tonight, so the house should be pretty quiet today.” That was reassuring at least, “Okay. Is your Grandpa nice?” Markus actually laughed at that as they turned up a long walkway, “Yes, he is. You don’t have to worry about anything Connor, I promise.” “Got it.” He said, but he still took Markus’s hand. They were quiet the rest of the walk to the door. Connor was trying his best to relax. Markus said there was nothing to worry about, and Connor wanted to believe him, but his anxiety wasn’t as easily swayed. “Color?” Markus asked when they got to the door. “Blue.” He replied after a long moment, “I think.”

That seemed to be a good enough answer because Markus turned his key in the lock and pushed the door open. Along side being the biggest house Connor had ever seen, it was also the fanciest. Despite all of that, as he stood in the entry way with Markus’s hand in his, he didn’t feel at all out of place. “Grampa,” Markus called into the house, “We’re home.” “Okay kiddo,” Came the reply from further in the house, “I’m in the gallery.” Connor took off his shoes out of habit before they went any further into the house. Markus didn’t, but waited for him before he lead him up the stairs. They set their stuff up in Markus’s room before they headed for the gallery. The more he saw of the house, the more in awe of it he was. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting Markus’s grandpa to be like, but it didn’t include him being covered in tattoos or wheelchair bound. He did his best not to stare, and instead tried to look at the paintings that were scattered around the room. Some were properly placed on the walls, but most were leaned against the walls, furniture and even other paintings. Every single one of them took his breath away. He knew now at least where Markus’s sheer talent came from.

“You must be Connor.” He said with a smile as he wheeled himself closer, “I’ve heard great things about you. I’m Carl.” “It’s nice to meet you sir.” He replied and shook the hand that was being held out to him. Carl laughed, “Sir makes me feel old, just call me Carl, or Grampa if that’s easier on you.” “Okay si - Carl.” His trip up earned him an amused smile, “Did you paint all of these?” “Most of them.” He replied, “Some of them are Markus’s.” “Grampa,” Markus cut in, “He doesn’t know.” “I don’ t know what?” Connor asked as he looked between the two of them. “Grampa is the famous painter Carl Manfred.” He clarified. “Was.” Carl corrected with a sternness to his voice that left Connor a little rattled, “I haven’t done much public work since my accident. I’d like to keep it that way, so this knowledge stays in this room. Okay?” Connor made a zipper motion over his lips and both of them smiled, “Okay.”

They stayed in the gallery for a little while longer and Connor wandered around to get a better look at the paintings. After that the night was pretty normal. They had dinner, worked on homework, and talked about their classes with Carl. It was almost like being at home. This wasn’t nearly as nerve wracking as he thought it was going to be. After they had gone to Markus’s room for the night Connor got the presents out. He didn’t miss the smile that came to Markus’s face. “Before you worry,” He started when he noticed Markus was starting to look uncomfortable, “I bought these before your birthday.” He relaxed noticeably, “Okay, that’s what I was worried about.” “Anyway, happy late birthday Markus.” He picked up the two wrapped presents and held them out to him. Markus took them and Connor watched the joy spread across his face when he opened the reference book and thumbed through it. His smile only grew when he got yo he small paint set. He set the paints on his desk then put the book in a very specific place on his shelf. When he finished he settled beside Connor still beaming. “Can I hug you?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Connor had barely gotten the word out before he found himself caught in an embrace that was tight enough that it bordered on painful. “Thank you so much.” Markus said into his shoulder, “These are the only art related present I’ve gotten that weren’t from Grampa.” “What can I say” He replied as Markus pulled away, “I know you.” “You panicked didn’t you?” He asked. “Maybe.” He agreed. The weekend after that was spent with Connor sitting very still. Despite the fact that he was coerced into modeling for the two of them by Markus, he found himself hoping that Monday never came. Or at the very least, they could have a weekend like this again soon.

[vtforpedro]

health update - long post

hi everyone! I think it's been a month and a half or so since my last update I saw a rheumatologist, had MRIs done, and got my results back from my hematologist SO cancer: still undetectable in my blood, check every 3 months and hope it doesn't show up for a long time lol \o/ I don't think I can say I'm in remission until a certain amount of time has passed but I hope I can say that one day MRIs: actually show some possible improvement with the chiari and spinal fluid flow? and if there IS improvement (like the radiologist who wrote the report had the MRI from a year ago as reference and his findings were all 'normal' compared to april 2020, but it was hard to get an answer out of my neurologist and neurosurgeon if there was solid evidence of physical improvement). but yeah IF there's improvement, that is highly indicative of IIH because my neurosurgeon told me when people with IIH lose weight, the chiari often corrects itself because there's less pressure and more room in the skull for the cerebellar tonsils to be in a normal position. regular chiari that you're born with doesn't do that lol so if there IS improvement with weight loss, then yeah, IIH. even if they don't wanna put in the diagnostic code for it without a lumbar puncture sigh lol I hate typing this because I'm so paranoid it'll all go to shit if I talk about it, but there have been improvements as I've lost weight. I seem to have a couple weeks where my head isn't so severe, mostly manageable with a few awful days. then I'll have a few weeks of it being Really Really bad with a few not-so-awful days. which IIH can do this sort of 'remission' thing but considering it was like 24/7 with no breaks for a year I'd say this is moving in the direction I want it to completely changed my diet a handful of months ago and adjusting it still to be even healthier/more fulfilling. I started using the Noom app (paid sub version) cause it's so focused on psychology instead of 'dieting' and building habits that are sustainable in the long, long-term. I really love it so far. the routine of doing it at the same time every day has already made me feel better mentally about my weight loss journey despite my struggles with losing weight, I am officially down 20lbs \o/ they say for improving/curing IIH, you need to lose 10-20% of your body weight. well, 10% down! time to lose another 20, but I don't find it intimidating and I'm not dreading it. it's hard to have hope, especially on really bad weeks, but I'm taking it one day at a time. definitely not cured but I'm aiming for 40lbs more (so 60 altogether) and by then, maybe, just maybe.... rheumatologist/autoimmune disorder results: so I went to a rheum cause I got that positive autoimmune disorder blood test with the possibility of lupus or scleroderma. she said that she gets so many hematology patients because leukemia and lymphoma have blood antibodies, so it will almost always show up as positive on this antibody test and most people actually won't have an additional autoimmune disorder. I don't have a lot of symptoms of lupus or scleroderma according to her, so she told me don't worry about autoimmune disorders for three months. don't think about them. we'll repeat labs then and see what they say. so that's good news so far and I hope it remains that way 15%+ of the population will test positive on the same test without having any health issues, which I found interesting. and I asked since I already have an autoimmune disorder, tho it's endocrine versus rheumatic, if that would also trigger a positive result and she said yes it would! so yeah... I hope by late July I can still say I don't have an additional autoimmune disorder I see a gastroenterologist tomorrow for the bloating/abdominal pain and other stuff I've been having. I have a feeling I'll be given some antacids (or w/e they're called when it's prescription strength) and that will improve. but jfc I'm up to eight specialists now lol NINE doctors are following my health god it's such a shitty feeling especially when I can barely trust any of them. at

least they all believe me now, but it cost me my quality of life and mental health to even get to this point so I'm still feeling pretty fucking bitter and angry about it all you know what's really hard about completely changing my diet + starting new medications/supplements? for some reason at the beginning of all of this when I was experiencing repeated trauma at the ER, my brain developed a phobia of allergic reactions, despite the fact that I've never had one for food/medicine (I'm talking anaphylactic reactions). so now every single new thing I eat, every new med or supplement, I go through panic attacks for days on end thinking I'm going to die before it starts easing. also, anxiety makes your throat feel like it's closing up and that it's harder to breathe already so lmao fun times. I literally never thought about this in all my life and I never even experienced an allergic reaction to develop this intense fear, so you know. fuck doctors for putting me through this when it was all so unnecessary sigh anyway. still can't watch videos, tv, movies, read, bend over, walk for longer than 5 minutes, and can't talk for long either because it'll trigger a head episode. I'm terrified I won't be able to do these things ever again, but I'm still aiming for my goal weight no matter what and I know I can get there bouncing between misery and hopelessness, and slightly less misery and some hope right now, but I guess that's better than it's been for a year, right? sorry for rambling. I feel like a lot has gone on but I've also had the biggest gaps between doc appts in a while which is a relief just because I can't stand being in medical buildings or around doctors anymore completely vaccinated too, so that's another relief, but I'm wearing masks until americans get their heads out of their asses and we start seeing little to no community spread cause I am still immunocompromised. wouldn't it be nice if people like, idk, cared about each other ok sorry! I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I love you very much and I'm grateful for your support, forever and always! <3

[fighttoshine]

Willex Week Day 7 - Gift Exchange

Hey! I took part in the Willex Week Gift Exchange and got to make a gift for @thatsvery-nice​, who asked for the the fluffiest thing possible with these boys. Sadly this isn’t maximum fluff levels - Willie’s a tiny bit sad and nervous - but it’s hopefully soft and fluffy enough for you to enjoy.

(Later today or tomorrow morning I’ll also post this to AO3 and link that in a reblog, if anyone wants to read it there!)

~ ~ ~

When the credits roll on Attack of The Clones, Reggie’s head pops up from where he was resting it in Julie’s lap. “Alex,” He says, drawing out the last syllable, and Alex groans.

Willie gives Alex a curious look as he tips his head back, resting it on the back of the couch with his eyes closed. The band have been part of Molina Movie Nights for a few months now, but this is the first time Alex has invited Willie. It’s almost an honour to join in the family tradition, although a little confusing when something happens and Willie’s the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on.

Like right now, as Reggie gives Alex his very best puppy eyes.

“Please Alex, you’re the best at making cocoa,” Julie says, also pouting at Alex. “Luke burns the milk and Reggie uses too much sugar and I know you tried teaching me, but I’m just not as good as you.”

Julie stops there, but from his place at her side, curled up under her arm, Luke takes over. “Also, this time you have a kitchen assistant!”

Alex lifts his head to frown at Luke. “Do I?”

“Yeah!” The biggest grin appears on Reggie’s face, and he gestures to Willie. “I bet Willie can help with the cocoa!”

“Exactly - Willie can help out!” Luke says. He’s now smirking at Alex, and although Willie would have offered to help before, he’s not sure he wants to any more. “Because there’s also that other thing in the kitchen, that Willie should know about.”

Yeah, Willie definitely doesn’t want to leave the couch now.

“It’s nothing bad, Willie,” Julie tells him, her voice gentle and kind. “These two are just being idiots. I promise you, you’re gonna want Alex to show you this.”

Willie turns to Alex, who’s smiling warmly at him, and all his fears melt away. The others may not realise how fragile he’s been feeling lately, how lost and alone he’s been since they freed him from the club and he moved into a spare room in the Wilsons mansion, but Alex knows. And if Alex thinks this is okay, that it’s a good surprise, then Willie will trust him.

They walk to the kitchen, just in case Ray or Carlos are in there, and Alex takes Willie over to one of the top cupboards. “So, this is where we keep the movie nights stuff,” Alex explains, opening the door. “We have popcorn and chips on the top shelf, and the cocoa powder on this one, along with a mug for each person.”

Willie nods along, and grins at the mugs. Each one is a different colour, and Willie can already guess who they all belong to, even before Alex tells him.

“So the dark red is for Carlos - it was his mom’s, but he broke his and Ray and Julie said he could have that one instead - and brown is for Ray.” Alex leaves those, and starts taking down the others. “Red is Reggie’s, and Luke’s is blue. Julie has purple and I have pink, and-”

Willie ducks his head, letting his hair fall around his face to hide his disappointment. “And I guess I’m borrowing a mug for tonight.”

With a huff, Alex shoves a mug into Willie’s hands. “And we had a lot of debate about what colour you’d want, but I pulled the boyfriend card and got you this one. I hope it’s okay.”

The ceramic mug is cool in Willie’s hands, with a tag dangling from the handle, and Willie slips it under his curtain of hair to examine it. The gift tag reads for Willie, welcome to Molina Movie Nights! in Julie’s beautiful loopy writing, and the mug matches the others, with a white handle and strip around the base. Willie’s, however, is a bright spring green, the kind that reminds him of flower buds, just before they blossom into roses or tulips or daffodils. The colour makes Willie think of hope, of the promise of something new and beautiful and precious, and between the thoughts of hope and the warmth and love his friends have shown through this mug, Willie feels tears start to gather at his eyes.

“We - we can change it if you want, if you don’t like it,” Alex says slowly, his fingers tapping on the counter. “I was the only one who said green - Reggie suggested orange, because it’s fun and creative, and Julie wanted to get yellow, because it’s so bright and happy and - and Luke mentioned the light blue, because you’re so cool, although none of us listened - I think he only wanted a blue buddy anyway-”

“Alex.”

Willie chokes on his boyfriend’s name, and the sharp intake of breath from Alex tells Willie they’re only moments away from a panic attack.

“No Alex, I’m not-” Willie puts his mug down with the others and pushes his hair back out the way, so he can show Alex the huge smile he’s wearing, along with the tears. “It’s kind of the best present I’ve ever got,” Willie tells him, reaching out to touch Alex’s arm. “And I love the colour, I really do.”

Alex exhales slowly, a tentative smile on his face. “Okay - yeah, okay.”

“And, uh.” Willie gives his arm a squeeze, and a tiny little tug. “And I’d really like to hug you now, if that’s alright?”

Instead of answering, Alex wraps his arms around Willie, one hand on the back of Willie’s head to rest it against his shoulder. In return Willie puts his arms around Alex’s waist, pulling him closer as he clings to Alex’s thick hoody. It feels right, standing in the Molinas' kitchen with Alex holding him, in a way that Willie hasn’t felt right for so many years now.

Eventually they make the cocoa. Alex shows Willie how to do it, and Willie listens carefully to every step. The five mugs are lined up along the counter - along with Ray’s, when he gets home from a late shoot, still buzzing from the awesome shots he got - and the warm chocolate-y milk is split between them, then topped with marshmallows and cream. Somehow they carry all the mugs in, Alex carrying two with one of his big hands, and they settle down for the next movie, Labyrinth. Willie curls up with Alex to drink his cocoa, and once he’s finished, shuffles down to rest his head in Alex’s lap, and drifts in and out of sleep for the rest of the movie.

However for a long time Willie just stands there in the kitchen, holding on tight to Alex, and lets himself be happy.

[fablesrose]

OKAS XXXIII

Description: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?

Pairings: Avengers x reader, Loki x reader (eventually)

Warnings: fluff, angst

OKAS Masterlist~Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The days were getting better. I think.

Food was a blessing. I haven't had real food for seven years; I should have cherished it.  Luckily I had the biggest pile of breakfast food I think I had ever seen placed on my plate.

"Are you going to eat all of that?"

I glanced at Steve, then back at my plate, then back at him, then at my plate.

I never answered him.

I've been living on smoothies for the past six months, then before that, I wasn't even sure if what I was eating was food. My stomach was probably not as big as it once was.

Despite this, I dug in anyway. I had forgotten how good food was, even though I've been out of that cell for a few meals now. I just kept eating to the point where I didn't notice everyone else coming into the kitchen.

"Hey Y/n, I wanna introduce you to the rest of the team," Tony placed a hand on my shoulder making me jump.

I quickly swallowed and wiped my mouth clean, "Okay."

He went around the room giving me names one by one.

"This is Vision."

He had red skin and didn't look human with a yellow stone in his head.

"He's an android."

Oh.

"That's Sam." Tony pointed at the man leaning against the counter eating a bowl of oatmeal. He raised his bowl in acknowledgment. He looked nice enough.

"You've met Wanda and Bucky."

I nodded at them. Wanda didn't look at me, but Bucky waved.

"Rhodey is over there." He lifted a hand. He looked older than the others, closer to Tony's age.

Tony looked around the room, "You'll meet Peter later, he's at school."

There was a blur of blue light that came from the hallway that headed towards the fridge before coming back to sit at the counter.

"And that would be Pietro, he's the guy you sparred with. He and Wanda are twins. Any questions?"

"The last time I asked a question under normal circumstances I got kidnapped seven years ago, so I'm good." I looked at Pietro, he looked a little tired, but otherwise alright. "Hey, nice to finally officially meet you, sorry I almost killed you the other day."

He glanced up at me, "Can't say I return the pleasure, and uh, thanks."

"That's fair."

"That was awfully nonchalant of you." Loki took the seat next to me, stealing a piece of toast. I was nearly full, so I didn't mind.

"Hey, I would have said the same thing if I ever got an apology from you."

"I have apologized."

"I don't remember it."

"You've said it yourself, you've forgotten a lot of things over the last seven years."

I tilted my head, "I'm pretty sure I would have remembered if you ever apologized. That would be cemented in my brain."

Loki hesitated, "I'll admit you weren't quite... in your right mind when I did it."

"Oh?"

"You were high."

I thought back, "Which time?"

I heard a snort from somewhere in the room; I had forgotten people were there to listen in.

"You were given a sedative for one of your checkups after the... incident."

"Ah. Still don't remember it."

He sighed, "Fine, I'm sorry."

I smiled, "Thank you."

There was a pause where I took another couple of bites of my breakfast.

"So, anyone wanna tell me the story behind that?" Sam said, looking absolutely baffled.

I side-eyed Loki, "Do you wanna tell them, or should I?"

Do we have to tell the story?

Come on Lokes, it's a funny story!

I don't find it that funny.

Oh, the God of Mischief, otherwise known as chaos, doesn't find a story, where he makes some chaos, funny.

...

"So who's telling the story?"

I glanced up at Bucky before looking back at Loki. He looked slightly uncomfortable.

"I guess I am." I slid the rest of my plate away from me, officially full.

"I'm not staying for this." Loki started to stand before I grabbed his wrist.

"Oh no, you don't. You're gonna sit your ass back down and listen."

"I could just teleport away, you know that."

I looked him dead in the eye, "But you're not going to."

He grumpily rested his head on his fist and didn't reply.

I looked around the room, making sure everybody was there. "Alright, so it goes like this. I'm just coming back from an infiltration mission, full-on Hydra gear, the whole setup. My superior, Agent Brian Fletcher-- how is Fletcher, by the way?"

Tony answered, "He's retired, got a nice cabin in the northwest."

"Good for him."

I continued the story, putting in a few more comedic details than there were. Tony and Loki looked at me suspiciously but didn't say anything.

"And so I'm lying there, can't breathe, and I'm just like, 'You son of a bitch, what the heck?'"

The room erupted in laughter. I looked over at Loki who had a small smile on his face while he looked at his hands on the counter.

I finished the story with grace and excused myself to my room. Social interactions were exhausting now and I still had to get used to "normal life." It was nice; having friends was nice. It's been a while since I've had some.

I lied on the bed--no, on my bed. The lights were dimmed as I tried to recharge a little bit. The bed was soft, I just sunk right into it, but it was almost too soft. Seven years of sleeping on a cot that was only a fraction better than the floor can do that to you. I couldn't get comfortable so I eventually lowered myself to the floor, sitting up against the side. The memory of the cots had stirred something in me.

"Hey, Jarvis?"

A voice that was not Jarvis answered me, "Jarvis has been incorporated into the android Vision on the team and is no longer in service. My name is Friday, is there something that I can help you with?"

I thought on it and mumbled to myself, "I guess his voice did sound familiar." I sighed before asking, "Do you have access to recovered Kingdom files?"

"Yes I do miss, what would you like me to look for?"

"Jasmine Okoro."

Friday paused as the AI searched the files. It then produced a hologram of the file in front of me. Friday began reading it out loud, "Prisoner D2- Jasmine Okoro. In facility from April 2010 to May 2014. Status: Deceased. Occasion of death: Duel. Final Opponent: Asset D1-The Queen. Results-"

Friday kept reading through the report, but I stopped listening. I just kept reading the status and the final opponent over and over.

I killed Jasmine.

Something under my skin started to feel unnatural. More than usual I should say.

"Friday, where's the nearest fortified room? Like a panic room? And the fastest route to get there."

I barely heard its instructions, but I made it there and locked the door behind me. The walls were white concrete and not entirely smooth. I stumbled to the center of the room before collapsing on my knees.

I forced myself to look at my hands as ink sprouted from my fingertips and spread up my arms. These hands killed my only friend while in hell. I pounded my hands against the ground, trying to make myself feel something. Something beyond the unexplainable feeling of my skin.

Eventually, it wasn't enough and I had to release even more. Spears shot from my fingers and shattered against the walls, but I still needed to release more. The anger, the despair, and maybe there was a bit of jealousy there too. She didn't suffer as long as I did. Most of it was the guilt and the grief that seemed to rot my insides.

A cloud of soot exploded from my body with such force that I could hear it hit the walls around me. I collapsed to the ground, trembling and exhausted. This was the first time I had used Noxy's powers. I'm not sure how I felt about it, and I was too tired to care.

Tears streamed down my face onto the ground and I shut my eyes tightly, cradling my hands to my chest. Everything felt empty, my mind, my heart.

I had never been more grateful that there wasn't a thought in my head.

~~~

Loki sat at the counter while everyone else finished their breakfast and dispersed to work on their own tasks.

"That's not really how that story goes is it?"

Loki glanced over to see that Pietro was the last one in the kitchen other than himself. "No, no it isn't."

"What's the truth?"

Loki smirked, "You're asking the truth from the god of lies?"

Pietro's eyes looked weary, but sparked in amusement, "We all know you're about as honest as the rest of us."

A glass of water appeared in Loki's fingertips, "I guess that's true enough, young one." He took a sip. "The truth is, is that I almost killed her that day. She had just gotten her big break to fulfill her dreams and I threw her back to the bottom of the ladder with that severe of an injury."

"And she's able to just laugh it off with you never really apologizing until now?"

"You'll find she's like that." He paused, "Understand, that she will apologize to you as many times as you require of her, but-"

"I get it," Pietro interrupted, "Y/n's got more pressing matters on her plate than a sparring match gone slightly too far."

Loki watched the young man appraisingly, "Quite right, thank you."

The room was quiet for a moment before Loki started to notice some faint noises. His eyebrows wrinkled as he tried to decipher what exactly the sound was and where it was coming from. He looked at Pietro, "Do you hear that?"

"The thumping? Yes, but I figured that was just tired hallucinations, but I guess not."

They both stood and started wandering, trying to identify where it was coming from until there was a louder sound, loud enough for them to feel in their feet. They paused and found that it had gone quiet.

"Friday? Where was that coming from?"

The AI recited what room and they found their way without much hurry, only a bit of curiosity.

They found the room and found it to be locked. Loki turned the knob without too much trouble after a wave of his hand. He cautiously peeked his head through the door to see if it was safe. Once he came to the conclusion that nothing was going to attack him he opened the door wide enough for Pietro to follow. Loki's eyes landed in the center of the room where he saw a huddled form.

It didn't seem to be moving.

Loki rushed to the figure and his breath of relief caught in his throat when he realized that it was Y/n, despite the fact that he saw she was breathing.

"Is she okay?"

Loki looked her over, "I think so... She appears to be sleeping. I can't find anything wrong."

"Well that's good," Pietro sat down on the concrete, "say, Loki, do you remember what color this room used to be?"

Loki subconsciously ran his finger along the floor before lifting his eyes to the ceiling, "I'm not entirely sure, but I do know it wasn't stained black."

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[comehomeducklings]

Past [Part 3] (Obsession)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Tom Riddle's Moodboard

Main Character's Moodboard

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

1940 - 3rd year

There’s no chance of getting out of this. Our mentor must be out of their mind. No smooth sailing this period, not for me. Nothing at all has prepared me for this point in time.

My heartbeat rises by the second. At the brink of jumping out of my chest. I constantly try to reassure myself as I prepare. Forcing the illusion that I have everything together.

I most definitely don’t have anything, not a crumb, together.

My hands sweat with anticipation, my wand almost slipping off multiple times. The magical stick even wants to run away from this situation. I’ll start running with it soon enough.

The whole room is quiet in expectation. The tension levels in this area are too high for me to even start to comprehend. All I can hear is the sounds of my breathing and the occasional ruffle of robes. The high regard these people hold for me isn’t doing me any favors. I’m about to ruin any confidence anyone holds in my skills.

My friends are holding their thumbs up for encouragement. It does little to calm my panic, but I appreciate the effort anyway. Other acquaintances from the same house nodded their heads in an attempt to console my emotions.

Before the teacher signals to start, he gives us a bit to come up with a plan. Ten seconds at most. Now, this isn’t something possible to win. Not against him, no. My only goal here is to last as long as I can and don’t mess up.

Act smart, seem like you know more than you do.

He looks as easy-going as ever. This may seem like a walk in the gardens to him. No “threat” whatsoever to make him feel uneasy. I’m quite irritated at the thought of being anything but a challenge. He may be a little right, but that doesn’t help my ego.

Easy, I’m nothing easy.

Riddle might be stronger at this, but that doesn’t mean I'm complete garbage. I can hold my own, I will hold my own.

My breathing patterns change into more of a deep inhale and exhale. Focusing on completely dropping my heart rate and keeping my thoughts intact. Madam Rose, the school nurse, hates seeing me walk in there. Frequent visits from dealing with plants has her hair getting pulled out. I don’t think Miss Rose would be too keen on me passing out from the lack of oxygen.

“Only stick with the one basic spell of force. For both offensive and defensive tactics.”

Riddle’s atmosphere surrounding him is focused, deadly. He hasn’t moved his gaze from my lips. Probably on guard for whenever I cast something. I’m slightly unsteady on my feet from nerves. It’s almost suffocating being under all these watchful eyes.

A snake takes their time to strike. They examine all angles where you may be weak. Testing the vulnerability of your actions and thinking process. A few testing snaps of their mouth can tell them how the fight will go. They are well-balanced and focused, masters of intimidation.

Breathing.

Oxygen informs the snake how much you’re able to hold on for. The more you intake, the tighter it gets. Restricting the amount of oxygen the prey respires. Until they are physically unable to anymore, slowly weakening. The fight they were presenting lessens to almost non-distinguishable. The prey’s struggling to get free, dying down. Then it passes away, openly given to the snake without any more thought. A mere temporary meal in its eyes.

“Begin.”

Our eye contact is steady, neither of us moving an inch. Our mouths are closed shut, wands at the ready. I slightly squint my eyes while I focus. If he’s waiting for me to go first he is out of luck. I’m not budging, we will stay in the same position until next period if we have to.

Riddle also slightly squints his eyes. His hand doesn’t shake even if his wand was out in the air for a long time. The arm he holds out is steady and unmoving. Nothing triggers my attention since his movements are of little importance. I search his eyes for any life, no emotion is found swirling in those charcoal black eyes. Absolutely brilliant and fierce when focused or aggravated. The class starts getting rowdy, finally allowed to talk since Riddle just made the first move.

There’s only one spell I need to remember, that makes it a little easier to think of ways to find my opening. I quickly revert the spell away from me and send it right back. A tennis match is played between that one spell. Tom huffs and sends his enchantment straight towards the ground. It bursts into tiny magical specks of green. During that time I sent a spell his way.

After a while, I start to notice right before he casts a spell he moves his mouth like he inhales to take a breath. I’ve noticed him do it quite often. Since he casts fairly quickly there wasn’t much to go off of. Not much to use to my advantage. When he “inhales” he’s most of the time not actually breathing in air. It’s just a simple movement he does. It might be because of his accent, the way he learned to talk. Quite a small little quirk of the lips.

To start testing out this theory I centered most of my attention on his mouth. Waiting to see if my theory was reliable enough to depend on. He’s starting to gain more offensive attacks on me. Most of my spells undecidedly move more defensive by the minute.

Right before he mutters the words, I send a spell of my own. The magic aiming for his knees. Before he could defend himself from that one I prepared another offensive conjuration to his wand. He forwarded an incantation my way and I hurriedly obviated the sorcery as it was also heading to my stifle joint. Some of the force still slightly makes contact with my left knee. My balance is suddenly thrown off.

As I scramble to catch my footing, Riddle with point accuracy parries my wand attack. Then diverts my knee attack towards my right knee. Since I was focused on stabilizing my posture I didn’t notice the spell approaching my other knee

Forthcoming my inevitable demise.

I end up planting both hands on the ground. My knees falling one after the other from the pressure.

Our audience starts yelling complaints and praise. Calls for a rematch and cheats. My loss was bound to happen, but I did get to do that three combo. Two offensive and one defensive, all in the span of 5 seconds. Not too bad if I say so myself.

“Mr. Riddle wins this duel. Excellent job to the both of you. A very good strategy was well thought out for each side.”

I make my way down the steps on my platform’s side. Immediately being greeted by hugs and pats on the back.

At least my feet didn’t get tied together from restlessness causing me to fall and he wins the duel immediately. I would have dropped out right then and there from embarrassment.

There’s barely any feedback for Riddle, his little posse praising him like a king. People either saw no fault in him or were too frightened to actually comment on it publicly.

For me, that’s another case. Quite a bit of suggestions are offered, keep my form ready and my attention on more than one thing. Any and all advice is welcomed. Who knows how it can help me one day.

Amelia hugs my side with the biggest grin on her face, “You did so well! I think he actually had to work a little for that win.”

Everyone is dismissed and we head our way to Herbology. Tom’s face looks as if he’s already forgotten about the duel. His body language remains tranquil as ever.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

Bubotuber pus, one of the grossest things I’ve had the misfortune of learning at home. Now I have to live through it again? How can one endure harvesting the essence?

“All of you are required to wear gloves for today’s class. Does anyone know what effects you would have when touching this substance with your bare skin?”

Quite a number of students raise their hands. I’m guessing they did research on why they needed to buy these gloves when handed the school procurement catalog.

Exactly what I did, curiosity might actually kill the cat.

“Yes, you sweet girl,” she picks, “What’s your name?”

“Merlene,” the student answers, “If you touch this without protection then extremely painful boils will appear in its stead.”

“Correct! 5 points to Hufflepuff,” she claps.

My fingers already lay inside the dragon-hide gloves. Its rough texture rubs against the calluses from dealing with the harsh stems of different plants.

This substance is usually processed to be used for acne treatments. Only touched in its weakened state. Oddly satisfying to some, I am not a part of that group of people

“This is disgusting,” I say as I harvest the pus. My gagging reflexes acting up every time the plant gets squeezed.

A few students chuckle at my remark. They seem to be having a good time, weirdly focused on this substance. It smells of petrol, not a big fan of the scent. Reminds me of the sketchy gas stations my parents and I would take on family road trips.

Its thick goo is finally contained in bottles. Relief washes over me from finishing the collecting process. My gloves are removed and I do a quick spell to clean my area. Nothing really fell on it so it didn’t need scrubbing beforehand.

Amelia seems to just be finishing her plant. A lot of goo splashed all over her table. Luckily it doesn’t seem like any of that touched anyone’s face or uncovered arms.

“I’m just about done, can you help with cleaning please?” Amelia starts collecting all of her bottles into her arms. None of the glass vials touched in green gunk.

“Yeah, I got you, turn those in to the professor.” I immediately started helping her out. In that process, I also cleaned other’s messes too. Why not, there is still time to waste until we can all leave. Cleaning products smell better than whatever chemicals intoxicate the air.

“Pop quiz, shout out the answers. Why not use spells instead of treated bubotuber pus for treatments?”

Easy question, I whisper the answer in Amelia’s ear when she comes back from turning in the assignment so she can shout it.

“Using spells proves to be too risky, like the Eloise Midgen incident,” she answers.

Good, she remembers Eloise's event.

“Yeah, she cursed her nose off, poofed from existence,” a girl from Hufflepuff adds.

“Precisely, everyone has permission to leave now,” the professor exclaims, “don’t head out without cleaning or I’ll reduct points. Last time a student got boils all over their hand from an improperly cleaned station.”

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

“It actually went decently. Nothing blew up, surprisingly.”

At lunch, we are all talking about our first three classes. Potions being our first topic.

“Thought as much, I saw your stupid grin. You looked like you just won the wizarding lottery,” I say with my mouth stuffed with food. Hoping they could understand me between my chews.

“Both of you, slow down. The food ain’t going anywhere damn,” Devyn laughs.

Amelia and I pause, we look at each other, then at Devyn, then back to us. After a silent halt in our actions, we continue to shove down a bunch of food.

“I noticed you kept gagging at the pus. You looked queasy, your face was so pale.”

I audibly shiver at the recollection of said class. My eyes were watering so bad there. That stuff would never stop coming.

“I’m eating, stop mentioning that nasty stuff,” Amelia starts shaking her head. If only I could see the thoughts forcefully being shaken out of her head.

“You should have seen her station. That stuff was everywhere. How bad is your aim, the opening to the bottle wasn’t that small?”

“It wasn’t even that!” she drops her fork, “I squeezed that bloody plant too hard and it squirted everywhere!”

“Poor choice of words,” Devyn snickers. All she gets is a shove from me.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, she’s clearly traumatized.”

Devyn shoves me back, “You’re clearly traumatized from the duel. The one you failed at, the one-”

“I’m aware of the duel you’re talking about,” I interrupt, “I bet you wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did.”

“Oh please, you’re just salty about losing.”

I roll my eyes and subconsciously scan the room for him. There he is, mysteriously talking to his group of buddies. After a little bit, he catches onto my staring. He briefly looked around him to see if I was looking at something else. Finally, he comes to the realization it was in fact him I was blessing with my attention.

During this, he was talking to his friend next to him. He stopped his conversation to completely give me his attention. The guy he was just talking to engaged in another conversation quickly.

The moment was interrupted with hands waving in front of my face, “You gonna eat that?”

“Nah I’m full, go ahead.”

Riddle continued on with his food. Never looking my way again.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

“Hey, uh, Riddle you have a second?”

I stop him by tapping his shoulder a couple of times. His height already makes mountains seem molecular.

He furrowed his eyebrows and glances at the shoulder I just touched. Making it a scene to dust that part off, what an ass.

“No, I really don’t have a second,” he responds.

“Well that, really, sucks for you huh. Can you teach me techniques for dueling?”

“No,” he starts to turn away.

“Please, you will get one favor from me. Whatever you need.”

Tom turns back around, “Anything? Does that favor expire?”

I shake my head no. If he plans to wait a long time he’ll probably forget about it. He seems to be deep in thought for a bit. No rush really since we're on our break. If he agrees I could get ahead of so many competitors.

“Fine, every Friday afternoon starting tomorrow in the Room of Requirement.”

He immediately strides away while I stare back in shock. My brain didn’t expect him to actually accept. Getting this far wasn’t a very possible outcome.

Now I just have to find out where the Room of Requirement is located.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

Taglist:

@empath-bunny

@jinxqsu

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

Sweet Pandemonium - Gally (The Maze Runner) Part 10 of 16

Wow, I updated. What a shockerrrrr

~~~~~~~~~~

You bounced on the heels of your feet, anxious and excited, waiting behind the front door of your shared apartment with Teresa.

She somehow convinced Ava Paige to let you roam around the city for a few hours, saying that it would be helpful for you. You had no idea if that would be true, but you were grateful anyway. Although, you were going to be guarded the entire time. 

You understood why, but it didn’t make it any less annoying. 

“You ready?” Teresa smiled at you.

You nodded. “Yeah, ready to leave this place for once.”

“Just be careful, okay? Listen to the guard, and don’t try and escape. I won’t be able to do anything for you if you misbehave.”

You rolled your eyes. “Right...”

There was a loud knock on the front door, opening it to reveal your guard for the afternoon, dressed in casual attire so he wouldn’t draw too much attention to himself.

“Love you...”

You looked back at Teresa, slightly scowling. You tried not to scoff as you exited the apartment.

As soon as you left the building, you went wide eyed at how different the Last City looked from the ground. You had only seen it from that window, but now you were actually experiencing it for yourself.

Mostly everybody walking around were wearing masks, probably paranoid about getting the Flare. But you frowned when you saw how many children were walking with their parents, and infants in strollers.

You couldn’t help but almost tear up at the thought of all those kids dying from the Flare. You thought of your baby sister, how you would’ve done anything to save her and your parents if you had the chance.

But you forced yourself to think back to Minho, to all the kids that W.C.K.D. were torturing. You could never condone what they did, what they’re still doing. 

From the corner of your eye, you saw something that almost made your heart skip a beat. But you just decided it was your imagination. It had to be, right?

You looked to your left, and you realized it couldn’t be your mind playing tricks on you.

Thomas?

You went wide eyed when you saw him, in the middle of the street, no less. He gave you a smile, his eyes telling you to follow him. But with the soldier that was assigned to guard you, you knew it wouldn’t be so easy.

You wished you could tell him you needed to come up with a plan first.

It took so much convincing and begging from Teresa just for you to leave your cell. Trying to convince Ava to allow you to walk around the city, even for your mental health, was damn near impossible.

So how the hell were you going to ditch your guard?

You quickly surveyed the area, seeing different types of shops, company buildings, and restaurants of that sort.

Then suddenly, the idea hit you. You could almost feel the metaphorical lightbulb going off above your head. You turned back to look at your guard. “I literally have to take the biggest shit right now.”

You guard cringed in disgust. “Can’t you wait?”

“Do you want me to shit my pants, dude? The tower is so far away, I won’t be able to make it. Please.” You begged, trying to pull the best puppy dog eyes you never thought you’d ever do in your life.

The guard sighed. “Alright, fine.” He led you into some clothing store, going to the very back where the bathrooms were. “Try to hurry.”

You quickly entered the bathroom, grinning to yourself as you immediately noticed the window at the back of the room. It wasn’t too small. Thankfully, you weren’t too large. It would be a squeeze, but you’d make do.

You locked the door, pushing the trashcan in front just in case. Hopping up on the toilet seat as quietly as possible, reaching up to open the window. You jumped, thrusting yourself into the opening, trying not to groan in pain as the edge put pressure on your stomach.

You looked down to see the window was in the middle of an alleyway, away from the busy street. Huh, how lucky...

You fell very ungracefully out of the window, landing on the concrete with a thud, the impact knocking the breath out of your lungs.

“That definitely could’ve been executed better.”

You jumped at the voice, hopping to your feet, but slowly relaxing when you saw Thomas smiling softly at you. And just like that, all the pain you endured from Teresa, all the hopelessness you felt while trapped in that tower, it all seemed to fade away, just from that one smile.

You ran to him, quickly enthralling him in a tight hug. You heard Thomas chuckle breathlessly from the force of your embrace, but he held you back just as tightly.

Memories of laughing together played over and over again in your mind as you held onto him. You already cared for Thomas, but having the memories back...you couldn’t explain it. He felt more and more like a true brother as the seconds passed.

Reuniting with him just felt like a breath of the cleanest air in the world, almost like how it felt after it rained in the Glade.

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked once you pulled away.

“I am now.” You tried to smile, but it only came out forced.

Thomas frowned when he looked you over. Your eyes were dull, almost sunken in, like you hadn’t slept in years. You were well fed, but you still looked malnourished due to how pale you looked.

“What happened to you?” His voice was quiet, almost like he was afraid to ask.

“It’s a long story...a story we don’t have time for, I’m afraid. My guard is waiting. So, whatever you have to say, make it quick.”

Thomas smirked, making you confused. “You underestimate me, Y/N. You don’t have to worry, I’ve taken care of it.”

You cringed. “Should I even ask?”

“Come on.” Thomas grabbed your hand, leading you out of the alleyway and to a van. You stopped, looking to him with hesitance. “It’s okay.” He smiled reassuringly.

You sighed. “I’m trusting you, Thomas.”

You hopped into the back of the van with Thomas, and it quickly took off. During the whole ride, he had a content look on his face. It couldn’t help but make you feel uneasy. Where were you even going?

The van soon came to a halt, and Thomas turned to you. “We have to walk from here. For our safety and yours, you’ll have to be blindfolded until we get there.”

You shook your head. “Wait, no, Thomas-”

“I’ll be with you the entire time, okay? You’re gonna be safe, I promise. You said you trusted me, right?” You nodded reluctantly, and with that, Thomas gently put a cloth bag over your head, completely obscuring your vision.

You both exited the van, Thomas holding your hand as he led you through wherever you were. You were almost sure you were cutting off his blood circulation with how hard you were squeezing his hand, but he kept telling you that you were okay.

“Okay, we’re here.” Thomas removed the bag and you could finally see.

You looked around to see that you were in some sort of abandoned church. Why here?

“Y/N...”

You froze, heart pounding so hard you could hear it in your ears...you knew that voice, that voice was in your dreams every single night. But, no, it couldn’t be possible...he was dead.

You slowly looked up to see who the voice belonged to. You felt a sudden chill go down your spine as you couldn’t believe your eyes. Was this a dream? A nightmare? No, it couldn’t be real. You were still at W.C.K.D. You must be. They must be trying to trick you into believing that you escaped.

But still, knowing that it wasn’t real didn’t stop you from shedding tears. “This is so sick...even for them.” You cried.

Thomas took a step forward, but you immediately recoiled. “Y/N, what’re you talking about?”

You quickly shut your eyes tightly, placing your hands to your ears to try and block out the booming thuds in your head. “This isn’t real. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.” You kept telling yourself. “Please, stop this. Wake up...”

“Y/N, stop. You’re okay. You’re not dreaming.” Thomas tried to console you.

You felt like you couldn’t breathe, like a whole Griever was sitting on your chest, putting intense pressure on your lungs. You couldn’t control the sobs that rattled in your chest, making you tremble.

“One, two, seven, five, three...three, five, seven, two, one...”

You soon felt a pair of arms wrap around you. Thomas tried to calm you down, but it wasn’t working. You heard him order everyone out of the room.

This is such an elaborate simulation...

“Y/N...” Thomas whispered. “You’re okay. You’re okay, you’re not at W.C.K.D. This is real. I’m real. Me, Thomas.”

You looked up at Thomas, almost expecting him to turn into some horrid monster from the twisted imaginations of the people that experimented on you. But he didn’t. He just stared at you with the utmost concern in his golden brown eyes. You were so afraid to speak, you wanted this to be real so bad.

“You’re real?” Your voice broke.

Thomas nodded, smiling through the pain of seeing you in such a state. “Yes. Yes, I’m real.”

You exhaled a shaky breath, keeping your hold on Thomas. “Wait...but that means...”

Gally was alive?

After a few more minutes of trying to pull yourself together again, Thomas thought it was finally safe to bring everyone back in one by one. First, Newt entered the room.

“Newt.” You walked to him, quickly engulfing him in a hug.

“You’ve looked better, love.” He joked, well, it sounded like a joke to you, but he was really concerned.

“So have you.” You replied. “You need a haircut.” You tried to tease, but it didn’t make him smile.

Frypan couldn’t wait that much longer and entered the room and ran to you, giving you a huge bear hug that startled you, but you didn’t expect anything less when it came to your friend.

Then, Brenda and Jorge came out. “You’re still alive?” You asked her, shocked that she hasn’t turned into a Crank by now.

“Disappointed?” She smirked, pushing you softly before wrapping her arms around you while Jorge gave you a friendly smile.

And last but not least.

He walked in slowly, so slowly that it almost looked like slow motion. He didn’t want to scare you, certainly didn’t want to give you another panic attack. He wasn’t expecting that reaction. But he guessed it was reasonable, considering that seeing a person you thought was dead was suddenly not dead, but very much alive.

You felt more tears brimming your eyes again. The feelings of being in a simulation coming back, but this was real. He was real, and he was here. He was alive somehow.

“Gally?” You whimpered pitifully.

“Hey, Y/N...” Gally said, tears of his own brimming his eyes.

“You’re alive...”

Gally wanted to run to you, hug you and never let you go. But he knew how sensitive you were right now. So, he stayed where he was. “Yeah...I am.” He chuckled softly.

Almost like something clicked in your brain, you finally one hundred percent believed that this was all real. You didn’t wait one more second, you went to him. You ran to Gally and threw yourself on to him, wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders. “You’re really here...” You cried, squeezing even more tightly than you already were.

Gally wrapped his arms around your waist, placing his face to your neck to breathe you in, making sure you were really there with him as he almost didn’t believe it himself.

The both of you stayed that way, almost four whole minutes of keeping in each other’s embrace. The only reason you pulled away was to look at him. He had a buzzcut, and he felt even stronger than he was in the Glade. He had a couple tears rolling down his face as he looked at you.

“How?” You stuttered. “How are you alive?”

Gally smiled. “Long story.”

His voice. You missed hearing his voice so much. You missed everything about him. His eyes, they were just as blue as the day you left him. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Gally. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you.” You declared, the tears not even slowing down.

Gally reached up and caressed your face, and you leaned into his gentle touch. “I never stopped thinking about you. The thought that I might see you again was the only reason I could wake up in the morning.”

Gally pulled you back into his chest, but from the corner of his eye, he saw Thomas starting to walk over to the two of you. One glare from Gally was all it took for him to back off. He was not going to let that Greenie ruin this moment.

“I never thought I’d see you again...” You hiccupped.

“I’m here...I’m here.” Gally cooed. “And I’m never leaving you again.”

~~~~~~~~~~

 bruh finalllyyyy 😭