#anyways writing this kept me sane through year 9/10 so thanks 15 year old me keep it up babes <3

[mar-bluu]

Anyways don’t mind me re-uploading this incoherent ramble about that magic/fantasy/gang au from like almost 2 years ago, the link to the previous upload doesn’t work anymore

and who knows, maybe this’ll get me back into writing the rest of the 10 chapters i had planned out for this?

Powers:

People with powers are very common, they are usually born with them but can develop later in life. Kids usually take on the power/s of their parents, (e.g. a pyrokinetic and a hydrokinetic have a child, that child will have both powers though one power will develop stronger).

However, people can learn a different power by training with someone else. They will take a while to actually develop, and it can take months or even years for trained-in powers to even start to work/appear.

Powers will ‘lock in’ by 21 though they can grow stronger, they cannot change. People can permanently have two powers (occasionally three but that’s incredibly rare) but they either won’t be as strong compared to if they had just focused on the one, or one will be stronger than the other.

Elemental magic is by far the most common and some of the most powerful (meaning the ‘main’ elements i.e water, earth, fire air). Hydrokinesis is the most common, followed by pyrokinesis, then aerokinesis, with geokinesis being the rarest, taking the longest time to control properly. (other ‘elemental’ powers are branches of the others; Ferrokinesis-earth, cryokinesis- water etc.)

Powers such as invisibility, shapeshifting, revivals, and time/interdimensional travel being the rarest and often the most taxing, not unknown for the occasional death.

There tends to be large influxes/groups of people with the same powers. This can be because of families and genetic similarities in the area, environmental factors, or because people learn from each other.

Key:

(name)- Most important/main character (appearing in fics or possibly larger  chaptered story)

(name)- Secondary important/ main character

(name)- Won’t appear the most but does have relevance to the (possible)  larger chaptered story

 Characters*:

- this is a brief and fairly basic summary of some of the important characters and their powers, think of it like a list you can go back to if/when you see a character and are like ‘who the fuck are they again??’

*NOTE: These are just the ‘main’/canon characters, and a few others that may be important if I can find the energy/time to do a multi chapter thing (I’ve had to make up so many other filler characters to pad each gang, e.g. ‘Zip’ so I’ll be excluding a LOT of them 'cause they don’t really matter lol)

Manhattan Ink and Thorns

·       Jack Kelly- ;)

·       Crutchie Morris- Psychic, agrokinesis (used for potions and spells, he works with Davey)

·       Davey Jacobs- Linguistics (sigils mainly, but works with spells and potions with Crutchie. He also has extensive knowledge on ‘magical’ history and artefacts)

·       Les Jacobs- He’s quite young, so his powers are still developing, but he does have a tendency for pyrokinesis

Pins and Needles

·       Sarah Jacobs- Sews charms and spells into clothing (protection, strength, spotty invisibility. She knits blankets and sews clothing for those in need eg. Homeless people, infused with heat and relaxation charms.)

·       Katherine Pulitzer/Plumber- Partial persuasion on people (she stills works for The World)

Poisoned Daggers

·       Racetrack Higgins- Shapeshifting,

·       Albert DaSilva- Invisibility

·       Finch- Teleportation, Deadshot

·       Elmer- Energy/power absorption,

·       Buttons- Electrokinesis/ energy manipulation

·       JoJo- Manipulate gravity (mainly his own, but can manipulate it for others with great strain/effort)

·       Specs- night/x-ray vision, basic future sight (in the sense of heightened reflexes)

·       Romeo- Hydrokinesis, aerokinesis

·       Mush- Teleportation, barrier creation/manipulation

·       Blink- Increased strength, minor healing abilities

·       Henry- Flight, intangibility (phasing through walls/objects)

·       Sniper- Toxikinesis, revive (Toxikinesis is very taxing, and people can only be revived if they’ve been dead for under ten minutes)

·       Mike- Increased agility, wall running, pyrokinesis

·       Ike- Increased agility, hemokinesis, hydrokinesis

·       Boots- Hydrokinesis

·       Snitch- Increased agility, shadow mimicry

·       Itey- Photokinesis/light-bending

·       Skittery- Aerokinesis

·       Bumlets- Illusion manipulation

·       Zip- Increased speed, pyrokinesis

·       Tommy Boy- Electrokinesis, hydrokinesis

Brooklyn Bloodhounds

·       Spot Conlon- Telepathy, telekinesis

·       Myron- Freeze time, rewind time (up to an hour)

·       Bart- Hydrokinesis, cryokinesis

·       HotShot- Ferrokinesis, hydrokinesis

·       Kenny- Regeneration

·       York- ??

·       Graves ??

·       Split ??

·       Tilly ??

 Richmond Ivory Pistols

·       Adela Yates ???

·       Moira Blane- Hydrokinesis, magnetism

·       Mitts ??

·       Bitters ??

·       Anja ??

·       Honey ??

Bronx Glass Skulls

·       Smalls- Shapeshifting

·       Dauncey ??

·       Plex ??

·       Aster ??

·       Cicada ??

Other

·       Marjory/Maggie- ???

·       Veera- ???

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50

AO3

A huge thank you to @theministerskat who puts up with me, and keeps betaing this story, 51 chapters in!

Chapter 51. Zambia 

Jamie had been right about one thing. It wasn’t the same.

Everything had changed. My timezone had changed, and two more hours crept in between us. Jamie’s obligations had doubled as he got further into the semester, and his free time became limited. My schedule in the medical program kept me occupied from eight to four-thirty, and then with afternoon clubs, I missed Jamie when he was waking up, and I couldn’t stay awake long enough at night when he’d get back to his dorm.

But the biggest change was the unmitigated disaster our communication had become. Or lack thereof.

The volunteer house had no wifi connection, and I had to walk to a nearby cafe to talk to Jamie, something that was impossible to do during the week since the only time he was able to call me at was midnight.

So I bought a Zambian SIM card and texted him. A lot. It still wasn’t enough, but it was the best I could do. I missed his voice. I missed seeing his face. The few times we attempted a video call all I had managed to see of him was a frozen image. Sometimes clear, sometimes blurred, because he had moved before the connection lagged. I had laughed the first time at the image of Jamie with his mouth open, his eyes turned skywards, as his voice came through the speaker with a relieved ‘finally’. I had thought the problem with the internet connection was random, and it would be better the next time we’d call. It didn’t.

We continued texting, trying to keep our lives intertwined. We sent pictures -- pictures that were pushing the limits of my patience because most of the time it took more than one failed attempt to get them through. Our messages often turned into long monologues, as the other was busy or sleeping. And then, when we had time to check our phones, we found long monologues in return.

That was how I found myself staring at a white piece of paper, brow furrowed, determined to write something that would be more intimate than a text on his phone.

My dear Jamie,

No.

My love,

No. Damn it! How was I supposed to write a whole letter when I couldn’t even write a greeting?

My sweet Scot,

Yes, that’s better.

My sweet Scot,

It’s me, your Sassenach, writing a letter to you, as if we live in the 18th century. I miss our century, to be honest. I miss proper internet connection. This 2G thing sucks.

I paused in my writing, sure that I wouldn’t give a damn about the internet connection if Jamie were with me. With a sigh, I shook my head to scatter those thoughts away. He wasn’t here, and he wasn’t supposed to be. Biting my lip, I continued, trying to focus on the positive things that had happened during the two weeks I had been in Zambia.

Being here is like moving into another dimension. I knew it would be different, but I never would have imagined people living on the same planet as us having such different everyday lives. I thought I was prepared when I landed in Africa, having finished the online training at home, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I omitted telling you last week, but I panicked so much the second day I was here, that I started crying that night in my bed. It’s silly, ridiculous, and it makes no sense, but I felt lost. Alone. It was the first time that I could become lost and Lamb wouldn’t be there to search for me. I had to make it on my own. We had no guidance on how to live here and it seemed so hard to build a life from scratch in a country where I couldn’t even communicate well enough to buy something to eat. I was terrified, Jamie. And I didn’t tell you, because I knew you didn’t want me to come here, and I felt guilty and ungrateful for the chance given to me. Anyway. I’m much better now. I met Louise and she has pretty much made everything easier. She arrived two weeks before I did, and helped me a lot during my acclimation here.

Livingstone is beautiful. It’s rural and wild. Louise said we might visit the Victoria Falls next week, so get ready for pictures! It will be awesome to explore a bit, there are so many things to do!

I know I haven’t said much about the people I’ve met here, but they are usually around and it’s weird for me to be writing about them while they are looking at me. Louise is from France, that much I have told you. She’s a free spirit, straightforward, unabashed for what she says or does, but she’s also sweet and funny. She’s always smiling -- I don’t know how she does it. Sometimes I just want to start crying when I see the scarce medical resources available here. The equipment is limited, the clinics are under-staffed, and the patients too many. But then, that’s the reason I’ve come, right? To help. I decided to help in the children’s department, although I was really tempted to volunteer for the maternity one. Louise opted for the HIV treatment.

For the home-visits, I am usually paired with Margaret. She’s from Virginia and she’s really shy. She often gets lost in daydreams, but she is also so very patient and calm. During these visits we are supervised by Chikondi, which means ‘love’ in Chewa. Isn’t that great? Chikondi is a local caregiver and he’s amazing. His English is very good and he explains every little detail for us to understand what he’s doing and why. We mostly observe and assist him with small things now, but we’ll be able to do more once we get more experience. Yesterday we sat for almost an hour after an examination, listening to the stories of an old man who has been living alone since his wife passed away last year. They had five children, but they have all moved away. We were almost ready to leave, when he looked at me for a long moment and then just started talking. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but Chikondi started translating immediately. The man’s words rolled out in his deep voice, taking their time, but his eyes danced as shared his memories with us. And when he finished telling the last story -- how he made fun of his wife for her cooking, but they both knew she was the best cook in the village --  we gathered our equipment to leave and he rose too, saying that it was time to go to see his girl, because she was waiting for him.

It was impossible not to cry as I watched his dragging steps towards the cemetery. Chikondi said that listening to our patients and giving them comfort is just as important as the medical care and health education that we provide. In that moment, I felt as though I’m here not only to help heal their bodies, but their souls too. And it struck me that we’re not so different after all. It’s magical to be human and live, and feel and remember. And to be a human who has love and time to share with others creates a beautiful, inexplicable feeling. Like you suddenly realize you’ve been breathing your whole life, but you now relish in the action, something so simple, and yet so important.

We have been seeing the same giraffe I told you about every time we go for home-based care to the village nearby. We decided to name it Mani. I’ll take a picture tomorrow, so you’ll get to know him too -- I hope he’s a he.

The volunteer house is nice. We have a pool outside the house, and a BBQ, and we’ll probably organize a get-together tomorrow. Week days are way too busy, so it’s only Saturdays and Sundays that we have time for ourselves. Jeremy and I started a Reading Club and we spend almost all of our afternoons there, reading to the children. No matter their level of poverty or their illnesses, children smile a lot. I’m starting to believe that’s the common denominator that keeps us human. It’s strange, how the laughter of children brings adults together. It feels like they are the reason we can all function in the same equation. And most times I think that looking at tiny humans running around, playing, yelling, singing, is what keeps me sane and gives me purpose.

We’ll start health talks at the local schools next week. It’s mind blowing how important health education is. Even the simplest issues, like hydration, hygiene, and nutrition, have to be discussed. I’m excited to get into these classrooms, even more so because that’s where my mom volunteered.

I’m happy to be here, but I miss you, Jamie. I miss you so much. And I’m thinking of you all the time, I hope you know that. There are so many things I would like to share with you. Even the simplest things, like a flower or a sunset. Even though you wouldn’t care about them at all. At least the flower. You might have liked the sunset. We’re talking about going bungee jumping. I wish you were here so we could jump together.

Sometimes at night I dream that you hold me in your arms and I sleep better for it.

I’m now thinking that sending letters might seem really stupid to you, so don’t feel obliged to reply. We will text anyway.

I love you.

Claire

I finished the letter with a wistful smile, folded it, and wrote Jamie’s address on the envelope.

“Claire!” Louise waved from the door. “Are you coming?”

I secured the envelope between the pages of a book in my luggage, and headed outside. I would stop by the post office first thing tomorrow.

“What were you doing, Miss Bennet?” Robert raised an eyebrow, but his gaze didn’t leave the book he was reading.

“Ha, bloody, ha.” I replied, refraining from replying to his question.

At that moment, I realised that I had forgotten to mention Robert in my letter, but I didn’t know how to describe him to Jamie either. He was the oldest one here, but he didn’t talk a lot and his cocky behavior always made me wonder why he had volunteered in the first place. He was working in the adult department and organized the Math Club in the afternoon, so we didn’t really interact during the week. He was the actual reason, however, I didn’t participate in the Math Club. I didn’t want to be stressed during the afternoon activities, dealing with his sour behavior. Jeremy was much closer to the type of people I would usually be friends with.

“So, are we doing the BBQ tomorrow?” Louise asked, clapping her hands enthusiastically.

I shrugged and saw Margaret’s anxious gaze passing across all our faces, waiting for anyone else to speak first.

“I think it’ll be cool. We haven’t really spent much time together.” Jeremy was lying in a deckchair, and he rose on his elbows to look at us. “What do you think, St. Germain?”

“Why do you keep calling him by his last name?” I inquired, narrowing my eyes at Robert as I took the seat next to Louise.

“I don’t know.” Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows, as if he had just realized he had been doing that.

“I don’t mind,” Robert said. “All my friends call me St. Germain. Not that any of you would ever be anything close to my friends,” he added, and I grimaced.

“Of course your Highness,” Louise mocked him in return. “So, it’s decided. We’re doing the BBQ tomorrow.” She bit her lip, then, and looked around. “Where is Helga?”

“She had an additional first aid training session.” Margaret fidgeted with her skirt, then fixed her gaze on the swimming pool tiles.

Louise saw me observing Margaret, and she leaned closer to me. “She’s getting better. When I first came she hardly talked to any of us.” Seeing my questioning glance, she continued. “She’s not well. Her boyfriend died last year. Cancer.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered, trying not to seem upset in case Margaret chanced a look at us. She didn’t, but Robert did, and when his eyes found mine there was an expression on his face I couldn’t quite decipher. Something between loss and understanding.

Well, that was new.  

I had no idea Margaret’s time here was part of a healing process for her, and that made me realize I hardly knew anything about my roommates’ lives outside of Zambia, and certainly not enough to reach any conclusions on their characters. Maybe Robert had been an arrogant arse who began to change his attitude after volunteering. Maybe he had realized there was something more important than his little insignificant world.

“I’m in for tomorrow,” he said in his deep voice, eyes back on the pages of his book. I had seen him reading it the previous day and I had already read the book, but never mentioned it to him. It wasn’t that I wanted to start a conversation with him.

Louise shot me a questioning stare. “Yes, yes, I’m in, too,” I agreed. “Margaret?” It took her a moment to come back to reality and I noticed that her eyes were moist. “Will you come to the BBQ party tomorrow?” I asked, trying not to add any pressure to my tone.

She nodded and smiled, the colour of her eyes a deep chocolate brown that made me smile back.

“Perfect!” Louise stood up, stretched, and declared, “We have to go shopping.”  

“Will we invite the rest of the volunteers? The locals? I’m sure Chikondi would be glad to come.”

Robert rolled his eyes, but Jeremy agreed with me. With Louise’s and Margaret’s nods, he left the house to inform everyone about our little party.

“Tell them to bring food and drinks!” Louise shouted after him and he waved his hand, signaling that he had heard her.

Margaret rose from her chair, coming to ask Louise about the food and I joined them, looking at Robert over my shoulder. “Well, are you coming? Or do we have to do everything while you lounge here with your book?” I sneered at him.

He heaved a heavy sigh and rose, leaving his book on the table next to my chair. “Happy?”

“Whatever you say.”

“Let’s go!” Louise nodded towards the street and linked her arm with Margaret’s, leaving me and Robert behind. Robert smiled at Margaret when she turned to look at us, a real smile, and it was the first time I noticed that he had always been kind to her.

Maybe he’s not that bad.

When he looked down at me, a sly grin replaced the smile on his face. “Nice hair.”

I resisted patting my hair, even though I could feel that my curls had gone wild with the humidity, but I couldn’t resist huffing.

No, he’s definitely a prat.

Five minutes later we were in the town center, checking the food counters. I stood in front of a bowl of caterpillars, wondering if any of the rest had tried them. Chikondi had told me that ifinkubala were delicious, fried and served with tomatoes, onions and nshima, the staple carbohydrate of Zambia. They certainly didn’t seem delicious.

“Don’t even think about it,” Robert drawled, glancing at the bowl with disdain.

I wondered if Jamie would try them. He was always so adventurous with food. Seeing that he had eaten haggis regularly, I could easily imagine him eating caterpillars. I took a picture with my phone, smiling at the woman behind the counter, intending to send it to him when we went back to the house.

“Are you done?” Robert asked in a bored voice.

“Yes, I’m done,” I replied keeping my own voice as flat as possible.

“Let’s go then. I think we stayed long enough in the vicinity of fried insects.”

“They’re larvae, actually.”

He rolled his eyes, making it obvious how mundane he found this information. “I want to buy vitumbuwa for my afternoon tea,” he stated, as if I was in his service and I should buy them for him.

I struggled for a moment, trying to remember what vitumbuwa was without asking him. He must have seen my face because he snickered, “The fried dough balls with sugar.”

“Oh, right!” I smiled. I wanted to buy some of them too. And even though I wouldn’t admit it out loud, he was right -- they would be perfect with tea.

I checked my phone for any messages from Jamie, but I realized it was still too early for him. I saw his smile in my background picture, however, and smiled back, as if he could see me.

Jamie would definitely eat caterpillars. And if he’d like them, he would try to feed them to me too.

For the first time in the two weeks since I had arrived in Zambia, I found an advantage on Jamie staying back in Michigan. At least I could avoid the caterpillars without a battle now. Chuckling, I walked next to Robert, who shot me a strange glance but proceeded with his search for vitumbuwa, ignoring me further.

Not caring a bit, I smiled again. Today was Saturday. And that meant I could go to the cafe and call Jamie the moment he woke up.

Chapter 52

[misfitgirlonanisland]

New Year’s Resolutions 2021

i’m writing this post with my belly full from one of my countless binge eating series i had this year.

well folks, i know nobody is gonna care to read this post, but i kinda promised myself to do it for my own wellbeing: writing something down is better than just thinking bc i know myself too damn well, i will procrastinate and never take the time for a good face to face talk with said person here (mind to mind talk could do better, to be fair)...anyways, i was getting lost in trivia comments here, let’s get to the point.

There is no easy way to say this but looking back this year has been a failure, i have been a failure. after spending one semester abroad where i had the time of my life and i was loving myself like never before, i was feeling myself, i came back and what did i decided to do? be depressed. and this was even before the whole corona virus damned thing. so i came back and i hated my life, every possible thing i had in my old and boring and monotone life: i hated my place, my town, my life, i hated the chains that tied me to this reality of things and in this world i was forced to live in i even hated myself. i thought it was normal, i told myself i should be gentle and give myself time to realize how golden were the times i had overseas, that that one was a fairytale and i got my call of midnight...well i had no time to adjust to my sucky reality that the pandemic started to blow up. so before i even understood a thing, we were all in this big giant and apocalyptic scenario. i had two weeks of normal everyday life and then the lockdown. OKAY, thank you Jesus, if you hated me you could have just said so... i had to go back home. my depression already kicked in, i came back fat as a pig and at home, where i was even sadder and felt more claustrophobic and lost i kept gaining weight, binge eating the crap out of my shelves.

Result: stretch marks, big and red stretch marks on my inner thighs. now i love stretch marks, but those were a wake up call for me: i always had changes in weight but never this serious... i looked at myself and i wouldn’t even recognize the reflection anymore. i was doing nothing all day, when instead i had to study and work on my assessment for my graduation. i risked my graduation. i was just shocked with myself and began to feel really uncomfortable with my mind: i thought that i have these big dreams and plans for my future but maybe i am not strong enough, not motivated enough. maybe i got it all wrong...

i rebuilt myself: FUCK MY LITTLE BRAIN, FUCK ME! i screamed in my head, i am way stronger than this. i need to get it straight, i need to get it right, i’ve worked my ass off before and i can do it again. i deserve this and i am not gonna throw it all, i am not gonna screw this up!

well...it worked! i was back on track: i started living like a normal and functional human being, i started exercising daily and lost weight, i was feeling strong and regain some mental stability, i felt confident enough to go out and feel kinda fine. i got a friend who helped me get up in the morning, he would call me every morning and hear my rocky morning voice when i confused as fuck don’t even know my name. we would study all day together (skyping like in the early 2000s) and chatting, laughing, i really love him and i am so grateful to have him in my life. my other best friend, well with her i had a pretty rough time with her last semester, but we prepared together our chinese exam and, God, we were on fire. finally my best shrink and adviser, i always run to her whenever i am a wreck cause i know she won’t ever, once, judge me, my kpop queen, she kept me sane, safe and loved. i got past the semester, i got my graduation with full marks and got to pass every fucking admission test for the masters i wanted to attend. each one that i tried, each one of them...i thought i would be happy with what i did, i had to be happy: i mean, i was doing fine! i even had a summer flirt (veeeery brief but you know, it always boosts your confidence a bit)

WHAT WAS I MISSING?

Well...i still have no answer to that!

to be completely honest i was still insecure about my appearance and body, but that i had it all planned: going back to uni for me means going back to a “healthy” lifestyle and it always pays in image, i always feel better and consequently treat me better, like if i were some kind of princess.

So as happy and with my hopes high i start in September this new chapter of my life.

i was doing okay at the beginning: i mean i knew somethings changed, but i got in the master i always wanted and hoped for, i was getting thinner, i was then feeling more confident and i even got to be the crush of a guy who seriously was dying to see me every time he had a chance, i tighten this bond i had with some friends in uni and i love them, i do...but something cracked inside of me

i started to feel all this pain, numbness and void i couldn’t fill with anything. not enough cigarettes or food could help me, but did worse instead. at the beginning it was a matter of some sporadic days, then it lasted for longer and it occurred oftener...to the extent in a month i was counting with my very own hands the days i felt like i could live a normal life. with the second lockdown i decided to stay in my college city, alone at home and this was on one hand a blast, sick in a very positive way, on the other hand i had the freedom to behave like i wanted. so i lost myself various times, i thought about the sense of living, i thought i was not meant for this life, that i had not enough tools or capabilities to survive this lifetime of my own. i didn’t recognize what i wanted to do in life, i didn’t recognize what was i even doing and who i was. the days were just passing by, each one of them the same. i didn’t even care to bother what was the time, what the weather outside was like. i was just spending my life in bed and in the kitchen eating everything passed through my wicked mind.

there i recognized i may be suffering from something a bit too big for my bare self only. but who wanted to go to someone and admit to have once again been defeated at life? not me, not now. no sir! i can do it on my own, i thought...and i was wrong, again.

“get up you undefined mass of lard and bones, get your shit together and do something”. this helped me that time i was beaten pretty bad, after a week and a half i spent in bed, not even having the strength to shower. i got up, eventually, and i did fine. i thought i was doing it again, “who needs to seek help?! i got me, i know how to behave, i know what to do, don’t need nobody but me to get back on track”

and two weeks after another breakdown

and then again, after three/four days, Sergeant G is back! i checked upon myself once again and got back on my feet ready to fight another battle.

i am tired and ashamed, i have to admit i am losing this war. every time i get up i fall, and it takes me more energy every time to believe in myself. i don’t even know how to walk straight anymore, i just know somehow i am gonna trip again.

here i am, dear G, it’s almost 6am, it’s the 31st December 2020 and you have not taken a shower since Xmas’s Eve. It’s not important how i ended up here writing to you, or even how bad i’ve been feeling these days. what’s past is in the past, i told myself i would give me until the new year so i know i am also taking advantage of that...anyways again i am talking too much.

the deal is: you gotta get your life back and we understood you cannot do that alone. i have the exams coming so for now i need to be focused and concentrated on those. after that i am gonna search for someone who can help me understand what’s going on in that head of mine.

it’s been way too long since i last truly enjoyed being myself and being alive. i want to be happy again and laugh again until i cry and feel alive again, i want to fall in love with who i am and with every little thing that makes being alive a gift.

these are my goals:

1. unfortunately my first thought goes to my exams: GOD give me enough mental health to prepare them and pass them

2. fix yourself and love yourself

3. be grateful for what you have and for the opportunities life gives everyday

4. dedicate more time to what makes you you

5. don’t hate yourself over food

6. laugh

7. love

8. enjoy the little things

9. embrace the challenges of life

10. find your way back to you

11. travel

12. dream

13. fight for what you love and for what’s right

14. be kind

15. read more

16. sharpen your cinematic culture| make yourself one

17. don’t stress over what was yesterday and what can be tomorrow, live the present: day by day

18....

these are just some of the simple rules i wanna live by starting from tomorrow. they’re not imperative, some days i can forget to follow them, some days are just big fat NOs, i have to accept it and move on.

until then, be brave little and sick G, see you in 2021, stay alive!

[violecentstrs]

Our True Love - Bonus Chapter

A/N: Bonus chapter! Yay! From Bucky’s point of view. I wrote this just for fun. I do hope that you enjoy this! <3 I have decided to write the sequel to this story, so if you’d like for me to tag you in the future when I post the sequel, inbox me and let me know! Thank you so much and enjoy! (Sorry in advance for any grammatical errors in my stories!)

Previous Chapter(s): Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5| Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: Sad, sweet, happy Word count: 3,795 Summary: Reader and Bucky doesn’t get along well after his marriage to Rosaline. Will her friendship with Bucky last or will they crumble and fade?

★ ★ ★

Watching her sleeping face always makes me feel so peaceful. Even though there’s sometimes a little bit of drool involved, but I couldn’t explain it. I suppose finally sharing the bed with her, holding her close and loving her more than just a friend offered the peace that I’ve spent looking for the past few years.

It’s hard to believe that she’s mine now. Even after all of the horrible things I put her through. How often do you find a woman who’s willing to sacrifice her needs just to keep the man she loves happy? All in the while continuing to stay sane and not try to ruin my own happiness.

Not just that. Knowing that I am about 104 years old, an ex-HYDRA assassin who has done terrible things in the past, with rugged and hobo-like features and done so many mistakes to her; she still accepts me.

This time, it is my turn to make her happy. To make up all of my past mistakes to her. To make up for all of the time lost due to my terrible memory.

I thought that having Steve, my only best friend, in my life was enough. But when I met her, I never would have thought that she would be an important role in keeping my sanity. Both Steve and Y/N are the very pillars of my life.

I love them both equally.

I brush my fingers over her face, tucking the loose strand of hair away. She moves a little to my touch. I rest my hand on her arm, brushing over it to wake her up.

“Y/N…” I call out softly while brushing my lips over her forehead.

Her arms snake around my waist, pulling herself closer into me. I watch her eyes flutter open. The beautiful eyes I’ve always loved staring into. Her smile was so sweet.

“Good morning, Sergeant.” Her gentle voice finally says. I’ve yet processed the fact that she is my very own wife. I smile in return.

“Slept well, darling?” I ask, keeping my arms wrapped tight around her.

She nods slowly while burying her face into my chest. A little gesture she does that always makes my heart race. It is adorable of her. I let out a small chuckle. I truly felt like myself as Bucky again with her. Not a confused soul with two different people within one body.

“Let’s get breakfast outside.” Her muffled voice says from the fabric of my shirt. I can feel the vibration of it against my ribcage. I kiss the top of her head.

“Sure, doll.” I say.

My hand snaking down her body to find that familiar hand of hers. The softness of her skin, the warmth of her palm and the loving touches of her fingertips always gives me even more peace at heart. I grip it tightly in mine. She returns the grip just as tightly, like we always do.

• • •

I sip on the coffee, watching her eating on a piece of bagel. She’s shining a lot more now that we are married. Her eyes sparkle like the stars and her happiness is quite vibrant. She looks so beautiful, even with the half bed hair. I let out a chuckle. Her eyes looking up at me.

“What is it?” She asks me with her mouth a little full. I smile.

“That’s cute, doll.” I say quietly, watching her. Her face flushes a little. That is such a cute trait of hers.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just saying that.” She says back. I sense a little hint of tease in her voice. I raise an eyebrow.

“When do I ever just say things I don’t mean, Y/N?” I ask her back with a small laugh. I watch her think for a moment. Her face looks like she’s about to list out many different incidents.

“Do you want me to say all of them?” She says. I smile, reaching over for her hand, holding it tightly.

“I made mistakes in the past. But now that we started a new life together, I don’t plan on hiding anything anymore. All right?” That seems to make her feel relieved. She brushes her thumb over mine.

“All right, Bucky.”

“Y/N?” A man’s voice comes from next to us. I look up to see a man in a suit standing next to Y/N. I’ve seen him around at the Avengers headquarters before.

“Oh. Morning, Matt. Didn’t think I’d see you here!” She says a little cheerfully. Why does that tone of voice sting me so much just now?

I furrow my eyebrows, watching the man carefully. His pupils are a little dilated. Y/N’s personal space compromised to about 30%. A little hint of excitement from his body movement. He likes Y/N. But then, it might also be from the coffee.

“Grabbed a coffee. You know how we all need strength in the morning. You said it yourself coffee is a great fuel for humans. Are you on your way to work?” He asks cheerfully, not acknowledging me. Seems to be talkative. Yup, he likes her. That really burns my soul. I rap my metal fingers on the table a little loudly.

“No. I have two weeks off. I’m heading back to my hometown tonight with Bucky.” She says finally pointing at me. The man, Matt, looks at me. The little hint of fear in his eyes is satisfying.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve seen you around. The well-known best friend to Captain Steve Rogers, Mr. James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.” Matt says reaching over to shake my hand. I’m not about to shake hands with this guy. Not after the kind of look he gave to Y/N. He gets the idea and retrieves his hand back.

“So, uh, why are you guys going together? Is there some kind of mission there?” He asks, turning his attention back towards Y/N. My fingers rap a little faster.

“No, visiting my parents. Just going to spend a few nights there.” She answers simply. He’s moving closer into her. Y/N’s personal space compromised to about 50% now. 70% and you’re dead, Matt.

“Oh? Are you guys dating?” He says in a joking manner. But there’s hurt in his eyes, pain in his tone. That confirms it. He fancies her.

Y/N blushes and chuckles. Ach. Don’t do that when another guy is around. I don’t like it when other guys see you being so adorable, Y/N.

“I’m her husband.” I say quickly, still keeping my stare on him. Fear is growing in his eyes. He swallows before looking at her.

“Oh, I… I see. Congratulations, Y/N. I didn’t even know.” Matt says. I look over at Y/N, hoping she would see how much I want this guy to get lost. I’d like to have my private time with her while we can. When we start working again, I won’t have much time to see her.  

“It was a small ceremony. We kept it formal. Anyways, Matt. We need to go and visit someone right now. So, we’ll talk more when I get back?” Y/N says finally. Matt nods understandably. I never took off my glare from the guy.

“All right, you two. Have a safe journey.” He says, giving me a nod before making his way. My fingers continue to rap on the table.

“He seems to like you.” I say. I don’t know why, but that guy just makes me so uncomfortable. I know I’ve been like this before when she was Richard, but with her now as my own wife, why do I still get feelings like these? Y/N looks up at me before smiling. Her smile put out the fire of my anger a little.

“I know. He told me before and kept on trying to get me on a date. I refused, but after today, I doubt he’ll try to flirt with me anymore.” She says finishing her cup of tea. I sigh out, continuing to tap my fingers on the table. Her gentle hands brushes over my metal fingers. I look at her.

“Bucky. I’m your wife now. You don’t have to worry about any other guy trying to flirt with me, okay?” Her sweet voice makes the anger in my chest evaporate. But it’s not guys flirting with her that bothers me. I’m just afraid of losing her again, that is all. I run my thumb against hers.

“Okay, doll.” I say instead.

 • • •

My metal arm whirs a little as I hold up the heavy pole. Y/N’s dad is trying to fix the tangled up flag at the top. I watch him detangle the rope from the flag before giving me the thumbs up. I push the pole back up into the ground, making sure that it fits into the pieces on the ground. He walks over to screw the nuts and bolts back into the base.

“Thanks, James. It has been tangled for a couple of days. I wanted to call someone, but since you and Y/N were coming over, I figured I wait instead.” He says. I hear the familiar laughter coming in from the house. Y/N is sitting with her mother on the couch, watching TV together.

“Of course, sir. Anything to help out around while we stay here.” I say, watching him screw in the last nut. I let go of the pole. It looks good. He looks up at me while dusting his hands off.

“So, how is your head? Still having problems from before?” He asks, a little cautious in his tone. But his eyes are telling me that he is still a little sceptical about me being his son-in-law. I am technically older than the guy.

“No, sir. It has been doing well. The specialist I’ve been seeing helped me a lot.” I say. He nods.

“Good. Do you have to take any medications for it?” I can see he is a little cold from the autumn air. There’s something in his tone of voice that seems to make me feel a little uncomfortable.

“No, sir. When it comes to my mind, it’s different.” He looks inside the house.

“I see. All right then.” A few moments of silence. He looks at me.

“It is odd for me. My father fought in the war with you. Now you’re here, married to my daughter, I can’t get over that.” He says laughing a little. Don’t remind me. If I think about it, I’ll end up getting weirded out.

“What can I say, sir? Time may have made me old, but physically I’m still that 28 year old guy who fell off the train.” I say trying to ease up that tension. He looks at me a little horrified. Wrong thing to say apparently.

“Anyways, don’t think too much about it, sir. I’ll still respect you like my own father.” He is the father of the woman I love. Of course I will respect him like a father, despite being over 50 years older than him.

“Okay, well, I’ll try not to think about it then, ‘son’.” He forced out that word, I know. He pats my shoulder so casually before heading back inside the house.

I look up at the sky. It is getting dark.

Reality is, I am an old guy. Someone who was born before World War 2. I’m lucky to still have the physical appearance of a young man. If I had looked older, would Y/N have treated me any differently? If I had looked older, would I even be able to live this life that I have now? I had always wanted a family of mine. If I had aged physically, then I might have missed that chance completely.

When I have children of mine own, how am I going to explain it to them?

“I hope you’re okay with roasted chicken, mashed potato, baked vegetables and corn for dinner, Sergeant.” Y/N says before wrapping her arms around me. I look at her surprised. The expression of my face must’ve made her surprised too.

“Bucky, what’s wrong? Did my dad say something to you?” She asks. I smile, tucking her hair behind her ear. I leave a small kiss against her temple.

“No. Just thinking to myself. Let’s go in. It’s cold.” I say as I lead us back inside the house.

I don’t want to say it. If I do, I might lose her again. She might think about it and be weirded out. For now, I’d like to live in this happiness that I’ve been craving for years.

But it’s hard to do that when reality continues to bite me at the thought.

• • •

I wipe the last bit of stain from my metal arm. It looks shiny now. I needed to do something to distract myself from my own thoughts.

I’ve talked to Steve about this before. How we are so old and young at the same time. We joked about it, didn’t make a big deal out of it. But now that I have my own wife, I couldn’t find the humour in that fact anymore.  

Ever since that evening when I talked with Y/N’s dad, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I am old, that is true. And I can’t shake it off. I knew Y/N’s grandfather too at one point when we fought together. The photo albums had pictures of him and I knew him. I used to drink with him. It doesn’t feel normal.

I love Y/N with all of my heart. I do, but just the thought of how different we really are, it just makes me feel guilty. There are no more women of my era. All of them are gone. Only Steve and I are the ones from then. I had lost that chance of having my own family after working for HYDRA in all of that time.

Don’t I just deserve that chance like everyone else did? My chance at living life was taken away so forcefully when I was brainwashed. Did I completely lose that chance? Am I doing the wrong thing for marrying Y/N? Do I not deserve that chance anymore after all of that?

What about Steve? How did Sharon cope with it? Knowing that Steve is over a hundred years old and had feelings for her aunt? Does she not think about it? Does she accept it? I don’t know. I never thought about asking Steve. I wanted a family and nothing else. But now that I have one, it made me think about the cold bitter reality.

The swing moves as Y/N sits herself next to me. Concern in her eyes.

“Bucky. You’ve been too quiet lately. What’s going on?” She asks. I can feel my heart melt at her tone. She’s truly concerned about me. I shake my head. I still don’t want to. I can’t. If she thinks about it and rejects me, how am I going to live with that? I can’t. I need her in my life.

“No, I’ve just been thinking about the peace here. It feels nice.” I tell her instead.

True, I’ve been feeling so peaceful since I came here. We’re only staying for a couple of more days. Her gentle hands finding their way to mine. I pull my hands away rather too quickly. It felt so wrong suddenly. The surprised look on her face makes me feel even guiltier. I can see the pain in her eyes.

“Bucky… talk to me.” She pleads. I shake my head again before getting off the swing. I toss the cloth on the swing. She grabs onto my hand again, keeping me still. The gentle hands I loved holding and caressing felt so wrong in my own hands.

“Stop it! We promised no more secrets from each other, James!” She says angrily. I know that she is very serious if she calls me by that name. I look at her. I know she wants to know what I’m thinking, but how could I? How could I if I know that I can lose her at any moment?

I pull my hand away and let my hair cover my face. I can’t. I can’t bring myself to say it to her.

“Are you bothered by your age, Bucky?” She says to me. I stop in my tracks. Surprised that she can tell what I’m feeling. I look at her with widened eyes. Her expression softens.

“How did you know?” I ask, surprised. She approaches me, taking my hands in hers again. She looks down at them.

“When dad showed you pictures of grandpa, I knew.” She says quietly. I watch her, reading her expression. She pulls me back over to the bench swing. We sit down but I couldn’t look at her now. Embarrassed that she knows me so well.

“I know you knew the man. Grandpa used to talk about a sergeant he liked drinking with. He gave tips on how to attract ladies and what not. I know. I didn’t put two and two together until I saw your expression when you saw his pictures.” She explains. I lace my fingers together.

“Bucky, I know you feel out of place after that. But really, your story is different. You were forced to be an assassin for HYDRA. You didn’t get the chance to live life like grandpa did. But you shouldn’t think about the past. Right now you get to do whatever you want. The things you missed out, you can experience them right here right now.” Her words were reassuring me. But those aren’t really the things I was bothered by. I rest my forehead against my knuckles.

“And you?” I ask simply.

“What about me?”

“You’re not bothered that I’m as old as your grandpa?” I ask again. The silence is heavy between us. I’m just waiting for her to say the words. The words of rejection, pain and bitter reality.

“Well, I was.” That’s the first one. Now the second sentence may lead to what I’ve been fearing.

“Who wouldn’t? You’re an old man after all, Bucky. That’s the truth.” My heart breaks at the statement. It was the truth, but it hurt to hear from her. I look at her with the corner of my eyes. I can sense a bit of joke in her tone, but I was in the mood for none. She must’ve sensed it too.

“Bucky, listen to me.” She says while pulling my face up to look at hers. Her eyes were fierce and her face is serious.

“Yes, you are old. Yes, you came from an era where my grandpa did. But you never experienced life the way you should. Your past was taken away by force. But now that you are in control of your life again, don’t let the past take it away. This time you are in control of your own thoughts, feelings and mind. If you want a family? You got one. You got me. You want to make friends? You have Steve, Tony, Sam and others. You want to go out on an adventure? Pack up your bags and let’s get on a flight. We’ll go and have it. As long as you are still strong and healthy, you can do what you want. I fell in love with you because of who you are. Not because of what you were. I want to put an end to your suffering. I want to make you happy. Give you the life and love you deserve after decades of receiving neither. I love you, Bucky Barnes. With all of my heart. Don’t you ever forget that.”

What she said felt like a slap. She is right. I wanted a family. I wanted to live my life as the James Buchanan Barnes I was. Maybe I didn’t get to live it the way my old self would, but now that I get a chance at fresh new start as the person I am today, I shouldn’t waste it.

I press my lips against Y/N’s. I couldn’t keep myself away from her. This is why I love her. She reminds me that there is good in everything that happened. She reminds me that loneliness can fade away. She reminds me that I can control my own life now. I can sense a bit of shock in her body when I kissed her so suddenly. When she returns it, I wrap my arms around her so tightly.

My mind can be my very own enemy. Even after I gain control over it. I shouldn’t assume things until I hear her own voice say it. I need to remember that.

“I love you, Mrs. Barnes.” I whisper against her lips. Her cute chuckle feels so warm and sweet against my lips. I kiss her one more time before wrapping my arms around her. She’s right. I should live the life that I have now.

“We got some apple pie!” Her mom calls out from front door but stops cold when she saw us.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I interrupted something.” Y/N’s laughter brings back that life within my heart.

“No, mom. We’ll be right in.” She says. I bring her lips back against mine. I love her. I really do. She’s everything to me. I can feel the love she’s pouring right into my broken soul. Slowly fixing every wrongs within me.

“Come, let’s nourish that soul of yours with my mom’s homemade apple pie. It’s the best thing on the planet, trust me.” Her hand wraps around in mine, pulling me off the bench swing. She leads me into the house where that heavenly scent was coming from.

It was indeed the best pie I’ve ever tasted. But the best part was being surrounded by a family that I can call on my own. To see such a strong bond between Y/N and her parents makes me happy. There are no words to describe the love they share among one and another. A bond between parents and child I never truly get to experience.

In time, I will experience it. But as a father to my own child. I kept my eyes on Y/N. To think that in the future we are going to raise a child together brings me an unspoken joy. I’ve left a mark in history. But now, I want to leave a physical mark as James Buchanan Barnes in my own history.

I know that the bitter reality is there. That I am old and very late in building my own family. That I have a terrible past of crimes I never wished to commit. That I am not a perfect human being.

But I also know that I deserve a chance to enjoy life like anyone else would.

★ ★ ★

A/N: All right! That’s the end of this series. <3 I will make a sequel of it, I promise. (Actually, I have planned it out already. I’m that excited to write about it) So, as mentioned before, if you’re interested to be tagged in the future sequel to this story, message me personally or comment on this post and let me know! Thank you so much for those who have been following my story throughout. I truly appreciate every single one of your supports. Thank you very much. 

Until the next story! Much love. <3 

Tag(s): @ipaintmelodies  @goldwanderer  @hairdye-enthusiast  @bexboo616@chipilerendi  @typical0001  @damnbuckyishot   @mrsnegan25  @minstrel-axx  @axelinchen   @find-the-new-adventure-barryc  @38leticia @bluewaves997  @buckybarnesbestbabe  @panda-reads-stuff @bristimadridistakaki @shamvictoria11