#apologises that this devolved into rambles

[coolcattime]

.🧩🍦🐇.

🧩 What will make you click away from a fanfic immediately?

Not having paragraphs or not having grammar - especially when the description did.

Also, villainizing characters for no good reason, but this one is harder for me to define. Like it seems to depend on my mood so I think it's more of my “She would not fucking sat that” thing that disliking villainizing. I've like got better things to do than read fics making my favourites into pricks and not tagging them as either villains or the fic as salt fics (you tag it, go nuts because then I know what to expect).

🍦 Name three name things about a character you hate

Typically I'll try to make these questions about Mianite, but I don't actually hate any Mianite characters - if I hate a character I'm not going to write fanfiction with them in it. So here's three nice things about Chris from Until Dawn - a character that went through a similar journey in my years of interacting with the character as Jordan (I ship this straight ship -> this man is a dick to his “girlfriend” and she gets to be gay now as a treat), but didn't have the redeeming qualities for me to not want to explode him with my mind.

It is genuinely very nice how much Chris cares for Josh, even post the reveal of the prank. He can die trying to bring him to safety and if that isn't being a good best friend I don't know what is

Regardless of my feelings about them as a couple “Every second I spent with you was the only thing I ever wanted to do with my time” is a genuinely really sweet line

I really like his interactions with the Flamethrower Man. Just the whole little walk to the shed with him. I stood around to hear more dialogue from the two. And the fact that he will always defend him in the police interviews if he survives is nice.

🐇 Do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or both?

Original characters, without a shadow of a doubt.

I have a very unfortunate problem that whether I see my name in a piece of media, I am then unable to take it seriously. In fact, my name was originally used in a good number of fics for Capsize, back when giving her a normal name was popular, and god did I spend so much time giggling because “tehehe that's me”. No, I can't read reader inserts with (y/n) stuff because of that - so I definitely couldn't write one.

Originally characters though, I have so many and I write and them all the time. I understand this question is likely about them being put into universe with canon characters which I don't tend to do but a) I do have an idea for a crossover with my OC verse and Mianite I'm just too lazy to write something that would require a ton of character description and world explanation right now and b) one of my OCs has a canonical crush on Leon Kennedy (and Claire Redfield and probably Ada Wong) and I'm above making them kiss (did this crush start off as a joke that she'd find RE4 relatable because she is a rich girl body guarded by a powerful person named Leon(tine) YES but I'd like her meet and kiss Leon to make her happy).

[spencers-renaissance]

Moreid Drabble

Prompt: something angsty with embarrassed!spencer, for @casparwrites

Word Count: 1.2k

Masterlist

Spencer knows this isn't going to go well for him the minute Emily opens her mouth.

She'd invited them round to hers for dinner and drinks after work, and although Hotch and Rossi had been invited, they'd both declined the invitation, likely in anticipation of exactly what had happened: wine turning to shots, and pleasant conversation devolving quickly into gossip.

Spencer hadn't minded at all at first. She'd ordered in from a Thai restaurant he happened to love, and sitting round in a comfortable, spacious living room chatting with his best friends is hardly a regrettable situation to find yourself in. So he allowed himself to relax, drinking almost as much as everyone else and joining in with all the conversation around him.

Besides, the red flush on his cheeks from the wine meant he could stare at Derek a little more overtly and not risk having his blush immediately clue everyone into the crippling crush he has on his colleague.

But then Emily suggests playing Never Have I Ever. In Spencer's experience, both drinking games and party games never go well for him, and he has no reason to believe this will be any different.

That's not true, he tells himself sternly as Emily and Penelope start mixing the cocktails. Parties at Caltech and MIT were a world away from a small gathering of five people who love and accept him for exactly who he is. This will be fine. Everything will be absolutely fine.

And for a couple rounds, it is. They laugh at the drunken escapades the game allows them to relive — they all know far too much about one another for the game to really reveal any new information in that regard — and Spencer learns far too much about his coworkers' sex lives.

(He also learns that Derek has slept with a man. Interesting.)

No one's really surprised when Spencer doesn't put his finger down for any of the wild sex-related Never Have I Ever statements that the others come up with, because everyone knows that while they may have had their late teens and early twenties to let loose and party at college, Spencer certainly didn't. Nobody says anything, but he can feel Derek's eyes on him, and he's trying really hard not to blush.

They play happily for quite a while before it happens, and Spencer's settled into a certain kind of comfort, he's been lulled into a false sense of security, because it hits him like a truck when it happens.

"Never have I ever kissed someone," Derek says boldly; loudly, shutting down the quiet chatter and giggles from around the circle until all that's left is the 90s Hits CD they'd put in playing in the background.

The thing is, he's looking right at Spencer. In fact, everybody's looking right at Spencer, and all of a sudden there's blood pounding in his ears and his face is burning a red so fierce he knows there's no way to play this one off, because Derek's suspicion is right, dammit.

He's dizzy with the humiliation, sick with the fact that even this — this family he's found, these friendships he's built — even this isn't safe, and is he ever going to actually be able to feel that safety and allow himself to enjoy it? Will he always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is he simply destined for these soul-sucking moments of utter embarrassment and humiliation and anger and sadness to happen wherever he goes? Is he that unlikeable, that unloveable, that everybody, even kind and compassionate people like Derek Morgan, has the urge to humiliate him?

Before he knows what he's doing, he's stumbling to his feet and running down the hall to the bathroom barricading himself inside before he can have a panic attack in front of his friends team. The wine that just moments ago felt pleasant in its gentle buzz in his bloodstream suddenly feels sick and heavy at the bottom of his stomach and he breathes in deeply to calm himself down.

His head is spinning and he's trying not to cry, and all he wants is to disappear because he's gonna have to face them again, there's no way to get out of the house without them seeing, oh God, they're gonna—

Before his thoughts can spiral any deeper, there's a heavy knock at the door, and Derek's deep voice is pleading with him through the painted wood.

"Pretty boy? Can you open the door for me?" he asks, and Spencer can hear the desperation and urgency in his voice. "I'm so sorry, kid, I'm so sorry. Listen, I know you're in there, just let me in, okay? I just wanna apologise."

Spencer takes another couple of deep breaths, trying to still the spinning bathroom in his vision before facing Derek again. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of deep breathing and Derek's intermittent pleas, he manages to bring himself to open the door, revealing his pitiful friend in front of him.

"Pretty boy, listen, I really am so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, and I shouldn't have said what I said," Derek says, gazing imploringly into Spencer's eyes. "I was just curious but I went about it in the wrong way and ended up embarrassing you, and that's the last thing I meant to do, you have to believe me—"

Spencer isn't sure what compels him to do it, but Derek is rambling and Spencer is staring at his mouth and the pretty shapes it makes when he talks, and before he knows it, he's surging forward and pressing his lips against Derek's mid-sentence.

It's so brief and chaste he doesn't give Derek any time to react, because he's quickly pulling away as horror fills him, his blood turning cold. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that! I don't know—"

He doesn't get any further in his apology, because Derek's leaning back in, slower this time, more deliberately, and kissing him again, taking his jaw in one hand and his waist in the other as Spencer's hands come up to rest on Derek's strong chest. He's being kissed like this is the last time Derek will ever get the chance, like the sun won't rise in the morning and this is the only time their lips will ever be pressed together like this, and it's dizzying, this time in a good way.

When they finally pull apart, Derek looks desperate and serious as his eyes flick between meeting each of Spencer's, and he can't stand him looking or feeling like that any longer, so he says it. He admits the feelings he's had for Derek since he first met him.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that."

Derek melts in relief as a big smile works its way onto the lips Spencer just kissed. "Thank God, pretty boy, because I reckon I've been waiting even longer."

Somehow, Spencer doubts that, but he smiles anyway and leans in for another kiss because right now all he wants to think about is how the first person to ever kiss him was Derek Morgan, and how he never wants anybody else to ever do the same.

There'll be time for playful bickering in the morning. There'll be time for a lot of things come morning, and Spencer just can't wait to see what it'll hold.

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @lesbiantodds @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @hotchscotchh @marsjareau @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @ropoto @thosecriminalminds @wifeyprentiss @cmily @love-pyramus @notevanbuckley (add yourself to my taglist)

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

time travel aus, amirite? since we’ve all decided to start talking about our ideas, i thought i’d throw my hat into the ring. i’ve actually had this idea for a while, i just wasn’t sure what to do with it because i barely have the patience for one-shots, let alone the continuous plotted longfic this would need

it’s not my idea, of course, i’m incapable of original thought. it’s based off this can-i-really-call-it-a-genre-if-it’s-two-fics-with-the-same-premise where some combination of maedhros, maglor, elros, and elrond land in the blessed realm before - even the unchaining, in my take, when the ambarussa are still children and the world is blissful. it’s more specifically my take on this fic, which takes elrond and elros from very early in their captivity and maedhros from just before the silmaril theft and maglor from several centuries into the second age. i just plugged my own characterisations into it, and, uh. the specific setup this not-genre uses is that maitimo and makalaurë *~mysteriously disappear,~* throwing their extended family into chaos, blah blah blah, and then a few decades later -

well. with my characterisations, we have a nightmare hellbeast who’s burned up everything he used to be in singular pursuit of an unreachable goal and has carved his very self into a weapon, a completely drained beaten-up husk barely cognisant of reality past the screaming in his mind who’s so utterly broken it’s debatable if he even counts as an elda, and two extremely young extremely traumatised children in a completely unfamiliar land- and skyscape whose only adult they can maybe-kind-of trust is currently bleeding from the eyes and shrieking wordless notes of utter despair

yeah, this au’s Fun. elrond and elros have maybe eight words of quenya between them, most of which are obscene, maedhros will act completely normal until he suddenly stabs himself in the arm because can’t this stupid hallucination end already, he has a character arc to tank, and maglor seems completely unaware he’s not still on the beach having the same cyclic arguments with the ghosts of the people he failed. the elves of valinor aren’t completely unprepared to deal with this, at least not the ones who remember cuiviénen, but it’s still a massive shock to see two of the children they came to the land of the gods to protect twisted and scarred like the worst victims of the dark. especially since noone can figure out why

so yeah. i have trouble finishing oneshot collections, so i doubt i’ll ever write this out in full, but i do have a lot of Scenes. fëanáro staring in utter horror at the oath, whispering ‘i made this.’ elros and elrond’s somewhat hole-filled explanation of their backstory devolving into a sindarin argument, and when the family asks tyelkormo what they’re talking about he freezes before saying ‘they’re arguing about whether maitimo killed their mother.’ the moment maglor finally managed to get through what happened after they got the silmarils to maedhros, who immediately switches from off-the-cuff self-harm to well-planned suicide attempts. the five-minute period the family hellspawn’s working theory was ‘they’re maitimo and makalaurë from an alternate universe where we’re evil’ (‘is there an evil version of me??? does he eat kids???????’ - tyelko) finwë going full bulldoze taniquetil in the background. fun times, might write some snippets in the future

but i like to think through the mechanics of this kind of time travel story too much, so i started wondering where maitimo and makalaurë, yanno, went. i quickly came to the conclusion that they probably swapped places with their evil future selves, giving me three time travel aus for the price of one! technically four but (a) i’m not sure if or with who the twins would swap and (b) if they did their alternate selves are probably having a really bad time and i don’t particularly want to think about it. the stories maitimo and makalaurë are in... they’re not necessarily any happier, but they are a lot more wtftastic

maitimo falls asleep under the light of the trees, on a relaxing retreat from the demands of court life and family-induced disasters. he wakes up in a world that’s almost completely dark, surrounded by plants he’s never seen before and wearing clothing designed for a much warmer climate, the scent of death in the air. now permanently separated from all his old problems, maitimo rapidly acquires several exciting new ones, including but not limited to:

everyone he ever loved being dead or worse

the lone possible exception, his last surviving little brother, being an almost unrecognisable blood-drenched kinslayer who hates everything in the universe especially himself

said blood-drenched kinslayer almost immediately imprinting on him like a grouchy murderous duckling

his future self having apparently wanted to kill even more people, why

getting dogpiled by like thirty dudes in full armour the instant they showed up at the army of the west’s camp to surrender

getting soul-scanned by eönw two minutes later. not fun

arafinwë pulling him into an enormous hug and then bursting into tears

the subsequent explanation as to just what happened to him and his brothers, which somehow got worse after he’d already thought they’d hit rock bottom like four separate times

proceeding to lose a staring contest with findaráto

the way everyone in camp looks at him like he’s an incredibly dangerous wild animal that might bite at any time

how if half of what arafinwë said is true he can’t even blame them, fuck, fuck

the twin half-elven(?????????????) princes he and his brother apparently kidnapped and held hostage for years, inflicting unimaginable cruelties as far as anyone knows

his first meeting with the kids happening when elrond broke into where they were holding maglor to scream at him in very loud very fast very angry sindarin for like half an hour

maglor just staring at him, eyes wide, ears pinned back, the whole time, and then trying to maul the first guard who mocked him for it

getting saddled with kinslayer containment duties in the aftermath of that whole incident

elrond punching him in the collarbone when he tried to apologise, shouting ‘you weren’t there, don’t you dare try to tell me what it was like’

elros’ visible half second of pure terror after the blow hit home

elros then using recognisable techniques from maitimo’s debate team circuit during a speech to the edain

like, clearly some shit did happen, but it’s obviously not what the local leadership’s afraid of

this sour-faced scar-covered warrior slipping out of the shadows in an unpopulated part of camp, kneeling before him, intoning ‘the swords of the host remain at your disposal my lord’ and then immediately vanishing

he didn’t recognise them until after they’d left but they were definitely one of his philosophy club friends, what even

just generally having woken up in a future a thousand times worse than his darkest nightmares

his natural instinct is to try and fix things, but how?? what’s even left to fix????

maglor sometimes goes into these unhinged desperate spiralling rambles directed at the older brother who exists in his head rather than the one in front of his eyes. whatever’s left of maitimo’s biggest little brother is clearly in so much pain

all the things he’s trying extremely hard not to think about because if he slows down enough to he’s pretty sure he’ll collapse

all the people he’s never met who hate him for pretty understandable reasons and whose social structure he now has to learn to have any hope of making it out of All This

the edain’s collective insistence on calling him pasthros

curufinwë isn’t even a hundred how does he have a kid

makalaurë, on the other hand, wakes up on a beach beneath a giant glowing orb. finding himself in a land so much barer than what he knows, among people whose souls don’t even work like his, his initial working theory is he’s been abducted by aliens

[pinuphead]

some Kirsty x Nikoletta hcs that devolves into my insanely rambling about a Hellraiser movie about them. 

Anyway. Enough Pinsty Pinhead was like “oh what’s this Kirsty? You want me to take your shitty husband to hell instead of you?” and bc he’s fucking gay as hell he picks the man. 0 interest in her. NIKOLETTA ON THE OTHER HAND! 

So like... I hc that Nikoletta was 100% attracted to Kirsty first. Like Kirsty was also a bit like 0////0 bald woman in leather! but she was too busy not dying to rlly think about it. Also Kirsty is big bisexual bc I said so. I am the god of this world. Apologise to me, for being born in my universe. 

Anyway, Nikoletta was DEAD! FUCKING! SET! on getting her soul! She wanted Kirsty so bad. She would be jumping up like a puppy that heard the doorbell ring everytime someone opens the box like “Kirsty?? Kirsty???” And I imagine the other cenobites teased her about it a bit but she would bully them back for having shit taste in men so peace and love. 

Meanwhile Kirsty is having a shit time bc of trauma! Like I imagine after everything that happened with her losing all her family and getting institutionalised AND THEN basically adopting Tiffany that her mental health was struggling. She spent a long time trying to get back on her feet - she sold Frank’s old house and was crying letting it go bc it was her dad’s childhood home, and she loved her dad so much :( Tiffany did her best to support her though and started working part time to help Kirsty pay for bills in their shitty little apartment. Tiffany started working at a convenience store stocking shelves and cleaning - she didn’t do work at the till bc mutism but she did her other jobs rlly thoroughly so everyone just let her get on w her stuff. 

Anyway one day she was solving a Rubik's cube on her lunch break and another girl at her job was like “omg I love puzzles too” and long story short they started dating. Tiffany was rlly nervous w coming out to Kirsty as bisexual bc Kirsty was under a lot of stress and also Tiffany seems like her mother didn’t really value her for her neurodivergence and she was mistreated in the facility, so she didn’t want to jeopardise Kirsty’s love and support. And like... it was the 80s. The AIDs crisis was happening it was an awful time to be gay. 

But she did come out to Kirsty eventually and Kirsty was rlly supportive! And this made Kirsty go “oh shit... sapphic relationships... are REAL!!” and she finally connected that she might be a bit gay as well :) and this happened a few years after the events of Hellraiser 1 so she’d come to terms with some of her trauma and was ready to give dating another go. 

So anyway she like... made out with a few women in a gay bar and was like “yeeeaaahhhh I am a bisexual” so woop! She did worry about whether her dad would have accepted her though. The fact that she could never come out to him bc she realised this about herself after his death really haunted her :( 

Anyway yeah that’s my Kirsty gay lore. Anyway, Nikoletta. 

So you know how sapphic women would sometimes becomes nuns to be in a female only space where they wouldn’t have to marry men and they would like... have gay sex? That was Nikoletta all the way. 

Anyway. You know how Elliott and Pinhead had the world’s cringest cat fight in Hellraiser 3? Nikoletta’s human side and cenobite side did the same thing, except her human side attached itself to Kirsty.

Anyway, her ghost shows up and Kirsty is like “god fucking dammit. You people AGAIN???” by this point they’re just like pest infestations. But Nikoletta explains in an epic montage like the one Elliott had about his war experience, but while his montage was him being sad in a field of corpses, and then sad in an attic, Nikoletta’s was just epic montage of her being gay in a monastery and like... desecrating the bible and being a cool girl with her gal pals. And then something really sad happens like the plague kills her lesbian polycule so she opens the box or something. Anyway Kirsty is looking at all this like “damn Nikoletta is FINE and an amazing gay lover. Interesting.” Because like... Nikoletta was absolutely hot as fuck as a human. These are facts. 

Also Tiffany is there and Nikoletta is super sweet with her bc Tiffany is this sweet little shy girl who’s been treated badly and Nikoletta relates to that bc of her experiences being gay in the renaissance in the church and Kirsty is like “awww she’s nice and motherly to Tiffany :) I’m starting to like this lady.” 

MEANWHILE evil Nikoletta is being fucked up and evil. She has her own boiler room massacre moment but I want it to be GAY! Like she kills conservatives at a gay conversion centre or something. She fucks up a church like Pinhead though like that can stay. Also she was never trapped in a statue rip Pinhead but Nikoletta is built different. She was like “Fuck being a statue I have things to do!” 

Also she still wants Kirsty BAD! so she hunts her down and we have a cool lil showdown between Evil Nikoletta and regular Nikoletta and also Kirsty and Tiffany are there. Tiffany does something cool like idk, she has a gun so she just shoots all the cenobites Evil Nikoletta sends at them.Rip Joey running around crying but Tiffany is different. Autistic girls should be armed instead of the military I think. I trust them to protect me. 

Anyway it gets to the point where Evil Nikoletta and regular Nikoletta are facing off. And Evil Nikoletta does the bondage tempting thing on Kirsty (but Kirsty is like... kinda into it like Evil Nikoletta was awakening things in her) and regular Nikoletta is sweating bc her and Kirsty have had a budding gay romance for this whole film. And anyway Evil Nikoletta threatens to hurt Kirsty so regular Nikoletta merges w her evil self to save her and at the end she says something hot like “I’d never hurt you Kirsty, not in a way you wouldn’t enjoy.” And Kirsty is like ooooooooh here’s my number call me baby and they kiss and you as the audience stand up in the cinema and clap while crying. 

Anyway they begin a long distance relationship. And Tiffany has two moms. And Pinhead and Butterball are the weird gay uncles Kirsty pretends don’t exist. Love wins. Credits roll. I win an oscar AND nobel peace prize for this film. 

Like idk the cenobites get a mission on earth like in the comics but it’s actually fun because Nikoletta and Kirsty go on dates while Nikoletta is in disguise. Like they go to a lesbian bar and Nikoletta fucking SMASHES IT at dancing. There’s a scene where Tiffany’s cool autistic girlfriend comes over so they can hang out and the cenobites are in Kirsty’s flat just chilling and they try to unconvingly pretend to be weird goths bc they’re all very protective of Tiffany and don’t want to scare her girlfriend away. Also Kirsty like.. hires a caravan so they go camping by the sea and it’s like a fucking anime beach episode. Pinhead and Lazslo wear those 1920s bathing suits and idk Tiffany catches a fish with her bare hands bc she’s epic and everyone claps. 

Anyway. Rom-com titled “me and my wacky girlfriend who’s the priestess of hell” ensues. 

So yeah when Kirsty becomes a cenobite it’s to be gay forever in hell! Boom comics dni. Also Tiffany is the flower girl at their evil gay wedding and Pinhead marries them bc he is technically a priest, so he should be able to officiate gay weddings I think. 

Cheque please. 

[allosaurid]

Because we haven't really talked or interacted all that much, I'm still rating you at... a 6/10. I absolutely adore seeing your interactions on the dash, and your writing is beautiful. Probably why I'm intimidated to reach out further than that one ask I sent you for the shits and giggles hahaha. One day I will gather the courage to plot, just you wait! As for dino boy... He gets a 5-6 as well. He can be extremely dangerous, for a multitude of reasons, and the mystery (to other muses with the you-know-what) just adds to that.

ooc ⚔ my dear, my darling, my love... i won't lie, i have been putting off reaching out to you for this exact purpose due to my own busy work & life schedule and all that - but you are ABSOLUTELY amazing, from what i have seen, your content is great and i would LOVE to interact with you! i promise i will get to that. if not on tumblr, then we will, at the very least, be able to plot on discord, if you'd like~ 😉

absolutely agree, as far as it comes to drake, though - i think we have gotten used to the marines being a bit... well. out of the spotlight, for most of the series (which makes sense) but personally, i have only recently started taking them seriously (recently being the last couple years haha) and i think their true potential only now really begins to show! as such, drake is a GREAT example of what the navy is capable of, really. sure, we have seen garp, we have seen kizaru and akainu and kuzan, but these are all BIG SHOTS and, as such, i think people can sometimes feel a little disconnected from how powerful the marine can be in general. smoker gets his ass constantly handed to him by luffy, but he, too, is EXTREMELY powerful. i think our rubber boy is just lucky in that regard haha. but we have to remember, it's not just the couple people at the very top who pose a serious threat. marineford showed it quite well, though i would still love to see more of that particular all-stars treatment the pirates are getting in the series~

and with drake being able to stand his ground against zoro, one of the most powerful swordsmen in the world atm, even while injured? talk about STRENGTH.

ah... so that devolved into a ramble. i hope at least half of it makes sense - if not, i apologise; it clearly seems to be bed time for poor little fae, her mind can't form a single clear thought anymore haha.

but yeah! to summarise - drake is scary, but soft, deep down. i am just soft. let me love you 💖

on a scale of 1-10, how intimidating is the mun of this blog? the muse? [ always open ]

[magpiemorality]

On the fourth day of Christmas

Virgil, Logan, Roman & Patton, The First Christmas

Four Collie Birds

An-Virgil was sat in his room on the floor, scrolling through his tumblr. The door was open, and through it he could hear the sounds of voices in the distant living room, and smell all sorts of delicious things baking.

The voices were Logan and Roman, currently arguing over who was right about the lyrics of a particular Christmas song. They'd been going round and round for a good twenty minutes already, and Virgil was surprised that Patton hadn't beaten them both around the head with a wooden spoon, honestly. There were only so many times you could hear the exact same argument made, only getting progressively louder, before it drove you to violence. Probably. Virgil didn't really know? He'd never been in a living situation where you had friendly housemates that held arguments with each other that didn't swiftly devolve into battles to the death; genuinely cruel and personal snipes; or one or more people involved leaving and refusing to talk to the other again.

It was a novel experience, hence the open door.

Patton's perky voice interjected briefly, and Virgil's ears pricked up curiously, but there was just a moment's silence from the other two and then they were protesting whatever he said, and returning to their disagreement. Patton must have decided he'd contributed plenty and returned to baking, but if the sudden loud clanging of utensils and subsequent turning on of the electric mixer was any indication; he was finally getting a little tired of the situation.

Virgil looked down at his phone, and glanced away when he realised he hadn't even been taking in anything he'd scrolled through while he'd been eavesdropping. Too busy being a nosy parker. What would they think if they knew? He was on shaky ground as it was, but if any of the other three came by- not that they would honestly Virgil why would you even think that it's ridiculous- but if they did then they'd probably yell at him for listening in! Or even just for not participating! Patton took social time very seriously, maybe he would think- maybe he already thought Virgil was being rude by staying in his room while they were all downstairs and on Christmas Eve no less-

Fourseveneight. Four, seven, eight. Four. Seven. Eight. Four. Seven. Eight. There we go.

He sat up and back against his bed frame. It must be nice to be so sure of the world and your place in it that thoughts like that didn't come buzzing in any time they pleased. It must be nice being confident in your role and relationships and not questioning everything to the point of physically being affected on a regular basis. He wanted that, for Thomas and for himself, and yet in moments like these- despite all the progress they'd just made when they came to retrieve him from his self-imposed exile- Virgil secretly wondered if it was ever on the cards. Sure that was the point, right? In accepting anxiety? Accepting him as part of Thomas? But accepting didn't mean giving in to, and Virgil knew the others had to wonder at what stage acceptance would turn into action and working on steadily removing him bit by bit.

Strangely, the thought didn't even make him anxious in itself. It was oddly soothing, because it was the worst case scenario, so it was literally what his brain wanted him to think about at all times. And there was a security in 'knowing' what would happen. It was just a shame.

Because he was kind of enjoying the voices and the smells and the smiles and the friendship and Thomas greeting him instead of recoiling from him. And it was Christmas, so for once Virgil allowed himself a moment to imagine a scenario where he never quite got better, but that was okay. It looked a little something like; Patton, smiling and giving him a squeeze of the hand as he walked by to the kitchen to make four mugs of coffee instead of three. Logan, sitting and rambling through various details about space and the stars when Virgil went to him voluntarily during a more panicked moment. Roman, dragging him along and not taking no for an answer onto an adventure in the imagination, where they were both heroes, saving innocents from harm in their own ways...

From his spot on the floor Virgil smiled at the thought, blinking back to reality when he realised the noise had stopped.

He looked up just as Logan knocked on the already open door, and they stared at each other for a moment before Logan cleared his throat. "Patton is nearly ready to take the gingerbread out, and we can start decorating. Are you- I mean we never really invited you, I apologise for that, but are you coming to join us?"

"Um," ohgodohgodwhatshouldhesay. "I-"

"If you'd prefer not to, that is also acceptable. Patton would understand, we all would."

Normally Virgil would have taken that badly. It was easy to misinterpret as Logan offering him an out and secretly hoping he'd take it, because they didn't really want him there... but after his nice daydream and seeing the genuine warmth on Logan's face, Virgil cut himself some slack and shook his head. "Actually I'd, I'd really like that."

"Oh good!" Logan perked up, and Virgil's little emo heart ached a little to see the reaction. "Patton will be delighted. And Roman is in a bit of a- well he's a Christmas fan, I'm sure you're aware, so he's a bit exuberant, you have been warned."

It made Virgil stifle a soft chuckle, and he stood up to join the other side. "Yeah I kinda heard. He's really stubborn about this, huh," he snorted. Logan wrinkled his nose.

"I wish he'd just see sense! It is quite well documented that the original line is-"

"Four collie birds, after blackbirds, yeah," Virgil interrupted, enjoying Logan's pleased surprise. "But I mean, I guess the whole point of songs like that is that they evolve. Like society, and the people singing. So maybe the more interesting fact about it isn't knowing the original line, but knowing-"

"Knowing the lines changed at all!" Logan finished along with him, shooting him a thoughtful look. "You know, Virgil, you're very insightful. I have several other linguistic factoids I would love to discuss if you wish? We can go through them while we decorate the cookies. Oh, and once Roman has been informed of your game-changing perspective, of course."

Virgil smiled shyly at him, and Logan smiled back. "Sounds good to me."

The door to his room stayed open all night, and he didn't return to it until late, when Patton ushered them all to bed so that Santa could visit.

The next day he was up before breakfast when Roman dragged him out because "it's CHRISTMAS!" And he couldn't have been happier to find himself on the couch for most of the day, smelling the cooking and hearing the voices from up close, but this time able to join in and enjoy every little extra thing about being around the other three that just wasn't the same from in his room.

It was the best Christmas ever.

12 Days of Sides-mas Masterpost

[markusstraya]

Archery Lessons

MASTERLIST

Pairing(s): Clint Barton/Hawkeye x GenderNeutral!Reader, Platonic!Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Warning(s): Clint being annoying

Word Count: 713

Summary: Ever since meeting your now partner Clint Barton, you’ve always wanted to try using his bow. After teaching you the basics, you realise your mistake and remind yourself to never ask him about it again.

Request(s): Anon -> “Could I get a hawkeyexgenderneutral reader where he’s trying to teach the reader how to properly do archery, but it devolves to ridiculous levels? That’s kinda vague, but I’m kinda gunning for ‘it started out as a normal archery lesson, I never expected it to end like this’ and the ‘this’ is just some ridiculous antics? Idk I'm rambling at this point, but I’d love to see how you write Bird Boy”

Authors Note: Welp, all done and dusted, onto the next request I suppose! Thank you to the Anon who requested this, I quite enjoyed it! This is my first time writing for Hawkeye, so I apologise if he’s not completely in character. Also, I apologise for the short length. Enjoy!

“Okay, now try shooting through the hoop!” Your boyfriend exclaims, as he giddily jumps back, waiting for you to shoot.

“You know, Clint,” You adjusted your grip on his bow, “when I said I wanted to learn how to shoot at arrow, I didn’t expect you to have me go through these ridiculous trials.” You turned your head to the side to face him, annoyance clear in your eyes. Ever since you’d met Clint, you’d been intrigued with how accurate he was with his bow, but it wasn’t until last week that you had finally asked him if he could teach you. You can still remember the look of pure excitement and joy on his face as he told you when and where to meet him, before he subsequently ran off to who knows where.

You’d been doing well, so far, only a few hours into the ‘lesson’, and you’d hit a bullseye, prompting your significant other to pull you close to him, both of your excitement washing through you as you jumped and squealed with joy. Little did you know, that that bullseye would be a huge mistake on your part, as Clint was now having you try to hit the target whilst watching out for obstacles. Exhibit A; he now had tied up an old hoola-hoop to god knows what, gently pushing it, so it swung from side to side.

“Come on (Y/N), it’s not that hard!” You glared at him, before replying, “It isn’t for someone who can’t miss!”

“Guys!” A new voice enters the room. “Can you please stop arguing, there are cadets in the next room over doing their testing.”

“Sorry, Nat.” The red-head looks over to Clint and nods her head, before turning to you.

“I see he’s gotten you to stage two of his shooting game.” She whispers as you nod. “How are you dealing with it?”

“Not good.” You whisper back. “He won’t listen to me, when I tell him how ridiculous it is. I’ve already tried to shoot three arrows through the hoop, and they’ve all missed.”

“Can’t help you there, (Y/N), he’s your trouble now.” She walks towards the exit and before leaving, calls out over her shoulder. “Good luck!”

Sighing in defeat, as your last resort struts out, you turn to face the target that’s being blocked by the swinging hoop. Taking a deep breath, you pull the string back, aiming at the target, and waiting for the right moment…

TWANG

The released arrow had just missed the bullseye. “So close, (Y/N), but you’re getting so much better!” He pulls you toward him as he hands you another of his purple arrows. “Try again!” You can already feel the frustration towards your boyfriend running through your veins, but alas, you try again. And again. And again. It’s not until your 16th failed attempt, that you finally break.

“Clint, this isn’t working. I can’t do this, can we just pack it up and leave?” He looks at you as though he’s a wounded puppy.

“Come on (Y/N), just one more!” By this point you’re so sick and tired of him saying “one more” that you stomp forward and snatch the arrow from his outstretched hands. Stalking back to your spot, you nock the arrow and as you pull the string back, you face him, all the anger you’re feeling directed towards him in one long look as you take a blind aim. You let go.

TWANG

Not bothering to see where it landed, you strut past him muttering a quick, “You owe me big time,” before you slam the wooden door behind you.

 Clint’s POV

I’m in so much trouble. The look on (Y/N)’s face told the whole story. Now that I think about it, I probably did go too far with this exercise. My eyes widened in amazement, as the arrow finally hit the bullseye. Mouth hanging open in my astonishment, I barely heard my partner when they muttered, “You owe me big time,” as my brain was still registering what in the actual hell had just happened. It was another 10 seconds after (Y/N) slammed the door when I gained my composure again, becoming a stuttering mess, as I attempted to race after them, still not believing what I’d just witnessed.

Forever Tags! (I apologise if tags don’t work!)

@theonegirlunderyourbed @jemjem-chan @reading-in-moonlight

[persorene]

quick q but- what do you think abt jakob being an abusive dad to dwyer? not an attack just curious abt your opinion if that's ok

Hey there anon, first of all, I would like to apologise for how long this took me to respond to. I have been absolutely swamped with work all week. I hope you still see this though!Okay, so, odds are that this is going to devolve into just rambling nonsense but here we go. It needs to be said first and foremost that I was severely physically and emotionally abused as a child. I don’t say this for pity, I say this because I take portrayals of child abuse seriously. As someone who experienced, lived through it, deals daily with the after effects of it, my opinion is that Jakob (who is inarguably a shitty parent, don’t get me wrong) isn’t abusive. Now, let me explain why that is a bit and I’ll do my best not to ramble, I promise!First, we need to look at Jakob’s background. Jakob was abused and abandoned by his parents. Literally just left to die. He was already emotionally traumatized by that and then immediately after this, he is essentially sold into a life of servitude. He was noble by birth and has absolutely no idea how to be a servant, this is a massive culture shock on top of the trauma of being abandoned. Jakob was then tormented day and night by the other servants. This got so bad that he canonically says he had no reason to live. Corrin takes him under her wing and nurtures him, this is the ONLY loving relationship that he has ever known and this causes him to form a very unhealthy attachment to her and see her as “his only reason to live” again, not at all a healthy outlook. He is then raised alongside her by Gunter. Gunter has a shit ton of his own issues but he does his best to raise this band of orphans he was given. He is strict, cold at times and disciplinarian but he is trying. He obviously prefers Corrin above the other children and again this cements in Jakob’s mind that Corrin is to be revered above all else, that he is nothing and he will never live up to be anything. On top of this entire disaster that is his life, he is raised in isolation from the outside world, his only contact being the other unwanted children and their forced guardian. He has this constant demon parade of painful memories, abuse, self-hate and neglect going on in his mind at all times. Jakob, while a charming and loveable character, is a god damn mess.Now let’s move on to his life after leaving the fortress. Jakob abandons everything he had (which, isn’t much but still) to turn treasonous and follow Corrin into a war that looks unwinnable. They end up together and surprise, Dwyer is born. This is a war, a baby would have been unplanned and put them all at risk. Jakob also doesn’t have the faintest clue about how to be a parent, he didn’t have parents, he has no idea what a healthy parent/child relationship should look like. And again newborn + magical war = bad situation for everyone. They don’t really have a choice but to put Dwyer in a babyrealm to keep him safe, so a short period of time passes and Jakob’s newborn baby is suddenly an adult nearly the same age as him.  He doesn’t know Dwyer. He didn’t raise him. Dwyer is his son and he knows this but he can’t come to terms with it. He loves him deeply, he really, truly does but he is even more lost now than he was with a baby. How do you interact with your adult child that you know nothing about? He does it the only way he knows how, the only way he interacted with his “father” Gunter, competitively and as if he were training. So now, during this competitive type of relationship, he see Dwyer as a competitor, as someone who can replace him. And he is absolutely horrified to find out that not only is his son better than him in absolutely every way, he is effortlessly better. Dwyer seems lazy to him to because he never has to work at anything, it just comes to him because Dwyer is a gifted and naturally talented person. He excels in things that Jakob struggled to get his entire life. Instead of being proud of his son, that lifetime of being told he’s worthless comes back out and he feels nothing but bitterness and resentment. He is very clearly jealous and doesn’t know how to cope with it so he lashes out angrily instead and insults Dwyer for being lazy when he knows he isn’t. Jakob is a renowned and talented man but he got that way by breaking his back, pouring his blood, sweat, tears and every ounce of sheer will power he had into learning his trade. And then his son comes along and wipes the floor with him with absolutely no effort at all. He feels like he got the wind knocked out of him. He has been outshined by a boy he brought into the world. This isn’t a point of pride for him, rather he sees this as his own downfall. He takes out all of these negative emotions on Dwyer when he shouldn’t. It isn’t Dwyer’s fault that he’s talented or that he was born and I think Dwyer knows his dad isn’t an emotionally healthy person, he doesn’t ever seem to take it to personally, instead he just keeps going, showing his dad what he can do and working to show him that he does love him no matter unhinged he seems at times. Dwyer also laments not having a normal childhood, he loves his dad, he wishes he could have known him and in fact, Dwyer enjoys spending time with his dad, even if it’s spent in silly competitions, as evidenced by these lines:Jakob: Grrrrrrrrr. Even competing with my own son, I didn't expect to feel this frustrated. No, I'm just angry because I lost to you. That must be it.Dwyer: While we're on the topic...I've been thinking. I'm confident that I could handle any task as a butler better than you can.Jakob: Is that right? Well, my arrogant boy, what say we step into the practice field? It's been a while since you and I have gone head-to-head. Just know one thing: I won't hold back this time. Now go get your things.Dwyer teases his dad here. He enjoys it. This is a weird as hell relationship, yes, but neither one of them knows how a father and son should act. As Dwyer canonically states, he likes spending time with his dad like this:Dwyer: I have to say, it's been nice spending more time together lately... I'm surprised to admit that I have been enjoying myself on the whole.Jakob: Oh?Dwyer: Yeah. We didn't get to do much of that when I was little.Jakob: Feel free to complain. There is no chance I will apologize. Ever. I simply did what I thought best for you. It was only after much deliberation that we decided to raise you in the Deeprealms.Dwyer: I know, Father... You didn't want us to grow up in the shadow of war, right?Jakob: Something like that...Dwyer: I don't resent you for being absent when I was a child. Now that we actually have time to spend together, I've been thinking. I'd like to enjoy every moment that I can with you.Jakob: Hmph... You're certainly rather sentimental for a young man.Dwyer: Haha... I suppose I do sound a little childish...Jakob: That being said, you will always be my boy.Dwyer: Father, I... They really do love each other. They’re both broken, damaged and hurt individuals and it’s safe to say that neither of them wanted Dwyer’s childhood to go the way it did but they made the best of what they had to work with. Is it healthy? No, not really. But is it abuse? In my opinion, no, it isn’t. Whew. That went on waaaay longer than I intended. I’m sorry! But, I hope you see where I’m coming from with it.

[fawn1013]

Things I like.

I was researching Pokemon Go evolutions (as you do) and thinking how much I miss being a kid/teen and just looking up or reading about stuff you love. It’s so easy to be passionate about things and think they’re the most important thing in the world and so I started thinking about things I like that I should research when I’m feeling restless and so I came here to make a list and I got distracted rereading old stuff and all I want to do is make edits on the last post. Sometimes my phrasing is out of phase with my thought and it sounds like I’m saying something totally different. I’m not ‘sorry’ I brought someone into my life. I *apologise* for exposing them to this drama but am thrilled to know them. I don’t think ‘we’re not close’ when I say ‘we’re not close enough for me to tell you all of this’. I mean ‘I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped boundaries by sharing personal information because I know we haven’t known each other for a lifetime and I don’t want to be weird but when I like people I open up and have trouble knowing what is appropriate or inappropriate’.

This may have caused a lot of problems in my life. My brain thinking one thing and my mouth (or typing fingers) clumsily saying something that sounds…. wrong (for lack of being able to find a better word at 11:30pm). Blergh.

On the original matter, I can’t think of things that I could research in the way I intend - fun reading on topics with seemingly unlimited content. I do like things though.

I like:

sunflowers

potato gems

taking photos

movies

baking

boardgames

just to mention a few.

After tonight I’m convinced of two things. I need to disconnect more. I need to consume less caffeine. I’m out-of-control anxious. It is funny rereading stuff because you can basically measure my anxiety levels by the length of my rambling, run-on sentences. Tomorrow I have to see the hormone lady and that might be playing a part too.

I’m sad that this has devolved from a place where I liked what I wrote to a diary-type purge but I’m ok with it if it recalibrates me which it mostly seems to do. Things need to change for me. A lot. And I need to start putting in the work. I need to make the essentials feel effortless so that I can enjoy more time immersed in all those things I like. I will work on it.

[kansetsukiss]

A brief introduction to the gdgd Universe

By rights, this should be nothing more than a season-end review of gdMen, but the preponderance of low ratings and confused comments about the show make me want to go a bit further. I can’t make anybody enjoy a series they don’t, and I can barely in the least make them understand its ‘objectively’ good qualities, but I hope I can offer a bit more cultural context in which to place it, which may soften the criticism borne from confusion...

What is gdgd? Literally, it’s a stylised form of ぐだぐだ - gudaguda, meaning (amongst other uses) ‘tedious, repetitive, rambling.’ As for the gd-verse, I’m unable to firmly grasp it myself - no incarnation or responsible party has been successful enough in the English-speaking anime community to warrant, say, a nicely-sourced Wiki page. A cursory study tells me it begins in 2011 with gdgd Fairies, a bizarre comedy starring three fairies having tea in a forest, chatting about anything and everything. shrshr generally introduces an absurd conversational whim, timid pkpk acts as straight-man, and taciturn krkr interjects with dark non-sequiturs and punchlines. It’s cheaply animated in MikuMikuDance, but uses its low quality to its advantage - for instance, frequently relying on terrifying stock models of old men for visual gags, reminiscent of early Garry’s Mod absurdism. In a recurring segment, the three VAs improvise captions to a brief, surreal video clip provided by the animation staff: sometimes referencing characters they’ve played on other shows; sometimes having a reference censored due to licensing restrictions; sometimes birthing running jokes later referred to in the scripted segments, as if they’ve written them into the gdgd lore. Next-episode previews insert the cast into direct parodies of popular shows; season 2 opens with a press conference apologising for this silliness, followed by a smash-cut to a Lucky Star reference. Coarsely put, gdgd Fairies does what the fuck it wants.

These are all the essential qualities of gdgd - cheap MMD animation, whole segments of VA improvisation with audible laughter, pop culture and meta-references, a general freewheeling disregard for structure and convention. Other projects by studios Bouncy and Strawberry Meets (the two sharing credit for gdgd Fairies; their exact relationship is still unclear to me) manifest this spirit of gdgd even when not invoking it by name, and have generally each tackled a particular genre ripe for parody. Chokkyuu Hyoudai Robot Anime follows three robots in the far future attempting to revive and understand the ‘humour’ of ancients - it’s incredibly dry, and deconstructs joke formats to the point that even I have trouble sitting with it. Mahou Shoujo? Naria☆Girls is a vague parody of magical girl tropes, though the ‘plot’ quickly devolves into a ridiculous string of unrelated happenings, and the majority of the show revolves around the VAs improvising off terrible prompts. It’s the worst-looking show of the gd-verse, motion-capturing the VAs into incredibly janky schoolgirl models that clip through each other (which has of course, despite its humour, translated into the lowest MAL score in the gd-verse). Minarai Diva, a copy of which continues to elude me, attempted to form an idol unit and write music on live broadcasts, similarly mo-capped and apparently riddled with technical difficulties. Tesagure! Bukatsumono follows an after-school club attempting to improve generic after-school club scenarios. And this year’s gdMen puts three male VAs in the lead for a change (sexual innuendo is much more abundant here) while riffing off isekai fantasy tropes - maybe especially funny to me, being totally apathetic towards the genre.

I’m urged to apologise for the gd-verse because I constantly see viewers repulsed by its face value, refusing the spirit of gdgd to a vehement degree. I vaguely understand why - when I finished the first episode of Naria Girls, I thought I’d found the worst show I’d ever seen. Thanks to its abysmal rating, I was entering with the assumption that it would be terrible, and the loose dialogue and poor animation are definitely qualities of terrible things. By the second episode, once the shock had worn off, its self-aware lackadaisy that had been disguised as ineptitude became wholly apparent, and I allowed myself to be taken along. I quickly realised I loved it. But I’ve seen comments that hint at viewers latching on to that initial attitude - “what is this?! It’s ugly! It’s so poorly written it almost seems improvised!” - and refuse to budge, even while staring the gdgd in the face. The initial expectation that it will conform to the traditions of anime encounters the non-traditional spirit of gdgd; in this conflict lies the absurd. The typical viewer can either accept the gdgd, or come to despise it - it is so at odds with expectations that it cannot be merely rejected. It must be destroyed.* By which I mean: I can understand initial confusion, but I can’t understand the viewer that sits through a whole season of Naria Girls and at no point realises that it’s all a big joke. People hate things they don’t understand, and it’s easier (and more fun) to hate than to attempt to reconcile yourself with something new - for instance, that animation quality isn’t the only metric of merit; or that not every piece of art is asking you to take it seriously.

Let me tell you: if you’re enjoying a guide to an obscure comedy studio that’s riffing of The Myth of Sisyphus, you’ve got the spirit of gdgd in you. If you seek to explore the gd-verse with me, I recommend starting where it all began with gdgd Fairies. Let me know how you go. And to all who may be wary, I ask you to try, if only a little, to let the spirit of gdgd into your heart. You may absolutely fucking hate it, yes. You may well be changed for life.

なーんちゃって~

*I can’t help but wonder how prevalent this mindset is. Nichijou has a devout cult following, but massively tanked on release. Teekyuu has persisted for 9 seasons purely because one Blu-Ray sale funds the entire next season. Meanwhile, a billion cute-girl 4koma adaptations are pumped out yearly (not that they’re all bad, mind you). Am I overthinking things? I know I’m touting an intersectional review blog here, but I don’t want to come off as a snob.

[burnedlegend-archive]

okay, so please don't take this the wrong way bc i don't mean anything bad with it but like you talk about dissociating a lot and i don't understand what that means? what is it?

Oh boy. Okay. Well, fair warning to everyone: this is gonna be long, rambly, and personal. For those of you who hate my OOC posts, turn back now.

Okay, so. Dissociation is a symptom of a variety of mental disorders, and for me it’s a symptom of my Borderline Personality Disorder. In its rawest form, dissociation is basically feeling a disconnect from reality; feeling detached. Like, you look around you and it’s all sort of… fuzzy. Nothing really seems real and you’re just sort of drifting through a setting that has no tangibility to it.

For me, usually the first signs of dissociation starts in my hands; when I’m starting to dissociate, my hands just… don’t feel real. They don’t feel like mine. I feel like I’m looking at someone else’s hands entirely, even though they’re attached to my body.

It’s kinda like a drug trip. Sort of. Things you experience can include things like what I mentioned - feeling disconnected and dazed and wandering in reality - as well as things like temporary amnesia in which you completely forget where you were or what you were doing before/during the dissociative episode, feeling like objects and people are fake - automated humans, objects are changing in shape or size, walls are closing in, those sorts of things - or distorted.

I experience all of those. And I’m not sure if it’s true for others who experience this, but stressful situations only worsen my dissociation. Because the more stressed I am, the less rest I get, and the less rest I get the more exhausted I am, meaning I’m more dazed and more likely to lose control of my already less than stable mind functions.

It can also come with something called maladaptive daydreaming and intrusive thoughts, which I experience intensively. What this is, is basically daydreaming, but amped up to a thousand. While reality becomes hazy and ‘fake’ to you, the world inside your head is becoming more and more intense until that’s your reality. It’s a coping and defence mechanism in that reality is becoming too much; so your mind detaches from reality, withdraws into your head, and whatever is in your head becomes reality.

So much so that I’ve often been talking to people over text and started rambling about whatever was in my head at the time, leaving them confused. One time I was interacting with someone in my little dreamworld named Vin, and someone at work tried to speak to me and I replied to them out loud with, “Look, Vin, that’s not something we can do” before realising and apologising and helping them with whatever.

So it does get pretty intense sometimes and most people can learn to control it, so I’ve heard. I, personally… am not so good at that.

MADD can be pretty useful sometimes. It means your imagination is in overdrive, and if you’re allowed to sit and relax, you can create some interesting worlds and people. Good for writing. But in situations where you’re under a lot of stress, you don’t have as much control over the daydreaming. Which… can get scary.

That’s where the MADD becomes intrusive thoughts. You’re still in this dream world and escaped from reality by immersing yourself in whatever place you wanna be in your head - for me it varies, sometimes it’s just an alternate version of reality where everything is okay, or a television show I like, or this world I’ve been building up in my head as a safe haven. That’s fine, and it’s usually a way to help detach yourself from what’s stressing you and become calm enough to try and function semi normally, if not very dazed and spaced out,.

But the more intense the stress, the more intense the dissociation, and the more intense all of that is, the more intense - and uncontrollable, at least for me - the MADD gets. Meaning it can get really dark really quickly. The other day I had a mental break - a variety of things, but dissociation/MADD was a factor in it.

I had zero control of what was in my head and at first it was mountains, and I was okay with that. It was soothing, wherever I was in my head, there were snowy mountains and wind. But then - and it sounds fake, and it makes me sound crazy, but bear with me - it just sort of devolved. First I saw glowing golden norse runes I couldn’t understand.

Then it devolved into very violent, very gory imagery and intrusive thoughts to harm myself or harm others I suppose, but mainly myself. It scared the hell out of me because I couldn’t get rid of them, and I was so immersed in my head at this point to escape reality that I really had no choice but to bow out and hide somewhere until it faded. I turned on some Coldplay and kinda calmed down a bit.

I was fine-ish for the rest of the day except for a brief lapse of control again where I was in the milk cooler at work and somehow intensely convinced myself I was stuck in a mental asylum cell. I quite literally freaked out and all but body-slammed the door trying to ‘escape’, when in reality it was half-open already and I just went sprawling.

therwise, my dissociating was normal and I was just sort of unfocused for the rest of the day.

So that’s a lot of personal info that no one gives a fuck about, I know, but the only way I know how to describe this is if I use my own experiences.

It’s important to note that this is not necessarily what dissociating is for other people. Some people don’t have the maladaptive daydreaming as a side effect. Some people never get the temporary amnesia. Some people can function fine, some people can’t, it’s all dependent upon the individual and their situations.

But yeah. At its core: dissociation is a detachment and disconnect from reality, in which everything and everyone seems off or fake. That’s the gist of it.

Hope that helped! You can always look up information too; there isn’t a whole lot, but there’s some that doesn’t focus so much on personal anecdotes.

As for in-media representation, the only good rep I’ve seen so far that personally resonates with me are Jacksepticeye’s playthroughs of “What Remains Of Edith Finch” and “Night In The Woods”. Long playthroughs of very heavy games, but worth it if you’re out to see interesting stories and good visual representation of what dissociating is like.

DISCLAIMER: What I mentioned above about the intrusive thoughts is very rare. And while it isn’t exactly safe, considering when I’m that deep I have little to no impulse control - and afterward, little to no memory of what I did - and that could spell trouble. That said, it’s highly rare for these episodes to occur, and the chances of me simply being alone and unable to hurt anybody but myself is much higher than the chances of it happening when I could be a threat.

Statistically, I don’t pose much of a threat to anyone and I would appreciate it if you didn’t call the cops or something.