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eavanyhuang · 10 months

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Motherly Fragments

It is hard to figure out how you feel and what you need when you are constantly mothering something. I sometimes suspect that mothering itself is an inhumane framing of reproductive world-making. What is motherhood? Devotion? Sacrifice? Projection of hope? An unpaid 24/7 side job? Self-harm in the name of care? Consumption of one’s body for another? Transmission of cultural systems? Why mother when you don’t have the “capacity”, when you “struggle” as well, when it feels like too much, and when you are told that mothering anything unconventional is unwise? A happy mom, a complaining mom, a fatigued mom, a tiger mom, a caring mom, etc…… I fail to see a form of motherhood that nurtures the mom. And the world as we know it is too readily dismissive and resentful of motherly labor. When you try to mother something, the object is almost always chillingly cold to you because it is never a reciprocal relationship. When you are mothered, you always feel pressured to pay back the mounting debt you owe to whoever is mothering you, and it is perhaps easier to flee and ghost. But perhaps mothering is not supposed to be transactional or bi-directional. Perhaps thinking in circles instead of linearity would help. Again a quote from Braiding Sweetgrass:

“So it is my grandchildren who will swim in this pond, and others whom the years will bring. The circle of care grows larger and care-giving for my little pond spills over to caregiving for other waters. The outlet from my pond runs downhill to my good neighbor’s pond. What I do here matters. Everybody lives downstream. My pond drains to the brook, to the creek, to a great and needful lake. The water net connects us all. I have shed tears into that flow when I thought that motherhood would end. But the pond has shown me that being a good mother doesn’t end with creating a home where just my children can flourish. A good mother grows into a richly eutrophic old woman, knowing that her work doesn’t end until she creates a home where all of life’s beings can flourish. There are grandchildren to nurture, and frog children, nestlings, goslings, seedlings, and spores, and I still want to be a good mother.”

The modern-colonial construction of the science and history of motherhood is one of naturalized pain. The scientific Subject looks at motherly pain as tragic abjection. Evolutionally speaking, it seems like relative reproductive success conditions parenthood to either self-deception or unwellness. Earlier this quarter I showed my Bio Anthro students clips of the video “Animals that Got the Middle Finger from Evolution” from Casual Geographic. This, I think, gives us a clear idea of what an evolution-based biological science means to rethink and decolonize modern parenthood. If harms are natural, there is nothing to be done. Just to give us two examples from the video: Kiwi eggs that oversize the mother’s body (left below) and hyena that are designed to experience excruciating pain for giving birth (right below).

I am not a mom to any human being, and I do not plan to be. But mothering is something that I will commit to, and sometimes it is overwhelming. Part of me has been wondering if this evolutionary-scientific naturalization (and justification) of motherly pain spills over to the science of social reproduction (sociology, political science, history, anthropology, etc.). This reminds me of the painful chapter, “Midwife”, in Gail Hershatter’s The Gender of Memory: Rural Women and China’s Collective Past. In there the author presents numerous oral accounts of midwifery testimonials, sometimes disturbingly without trigger warning and proper political sensitivity for the representation of subaltern pain. Back in 2018 when I first read the book, there was a deep sense of discomfort with her text, which I suppressed and silenced in my own head as “just a weird jealousy about a prominent white female scholar documenting the humiliating sufferings of Chinese rural women, whom I share a deep intimacy and kinship with, while having her self-respect and dignity intact”. I revisited the chapters when I taught it for my 2023 summer course on memory and the Mao era. I included it in my syllabus as this is one of the most celebrated texts on gender and Chinese subalternity in academia. Perhaps because most students in that course were high schoolers or early undergrads, who are not immersed in the PRC history literature, their political intuition about these texts shock me as way more explanatory and generative that most expert talks. The students were very sensitive about positionality and raised important questions about the ethics of doing oral history in a context that’s not your own. This allows me to reflect on my previous unsettledness in reading this text and the deeply modern-colonial narrativity involved in well-meaning (white and/or Han elite) feminist scholarly practices. All of these are tied back to da Silva��s transparency thesis, the Subject position that the historian assumes in telling the stories of the Other.

Note that to critique the narrative as modern-colonial is not to throw it out of the window or situate myself outside of it, but to read it with a specific vision of undoing epistemic violences and adopting restorative emplotment. My eyes were caught by the following fragments, the first one in the main text, the second in the endnotes. It is such a bizarre absence as these testimonies were simply presented without any mentioning of indigeneity and coloniality in the politics of Chineseness and/or Han-ness. And I wonder if the individual-based approach to oral history severely compromised the centrality of magical maternal relationality in all these women’s stories of care and community in midwifery practices.

“Anxiu told us, even women undergoing terribly difficult labor would insist that she deliver their child at home. They said, ‘To be in hospital is not like here, where people take care of us very well.” If she is uncomfortable somewhere, we will massage her. If it is hot like today, we will fan her. We will chat with her. We will wipe her brow. In the hospital, you are just put in bed and left alone, because they do things according to plan. They only show up when you are ready to deliver the baby. So people say, ‘It is not as good as having a child at home. And it costs so much money.” (168)

“A recurring theme in the stories of several midwives involves assisting at hospital births when the trained personnel there did not know what to do……Ma Li (interview 1999) told a similar story…….’I was sick that year and I was in hospital. There was a difficult labor in the hospital. There were a young man and a woman. They couldn’t tell what was going on and just pressed on the woman. It seemed soft. I said, ‘The bottom of the baby is coming out first. It is hard. The soft thing you touched is the anus.’ The doctor scolded me, ‘What do you know about this!’ That baby was like that when it came out. They said, ‘How did you know it is like this?” I smiled and said, ‘I learned it. See how puzzled you were! You pressed here and there.” (354)

Motherhood as pain and unrequited love is something we all experience, under modernity-coloniality, when we engage in any kind of care work. The resentment and burnout common in organizing spaces need not be reiterated, but I do think it is important to radically rethink movement affects and community building through the lens of colonized motherhood and care. While my body is drained and singled out by this care and gathering work that is “much needed”, “inspiring”, “nurturing”, and/or “appreciated”, I sit in this utter aloneness, sadness, and low self-esteem like an empty nested mom. Unwellness is the systematic side effect of motherhood and care, and as I give permission to my body in, following Toni Morrison, “deliberately going mad in order not to lose my mind” (p.18 in How to Go Mad Without Losing Your Mind), I want to make new mistakes instead of repeating old ones. Old mistakes include feeling unappreciated, being overcome by self-importance, using one child as an excuse for ignoring others, turning my care away from other mothers, preoccupying myself with others’ lack of accountability and mistakes, seeking to fix others, obsessive and excessive check-ins with my “children” who can use some alone time, over-investment in unreceptive objects out of fear, guilt, and shame, devaluing others’ carework done for me, withdrawal from my own caregivers, performing deep emotions amidst collective apathy, depriving rest and regulation from myself due to unconscious need to fulfill violent notions of motherhood and deservingness, and more.

I want to end this entry by remembering my maternal grandma, Liqin, with whom I had a very rough relationship when I was young. I always thought of her as a female model that I would like to distant myself from. Too motherly, too quiet, too content, too uncritical, too passive, and too much of an image of femininity our Teochewese culture and everyone around me wanted to mold me into. When I was about 8 or 9, I gave her a really hard time when she came over to stay with us in the city. She liked to follow me everywhere in my parents’ house to stay close to me. It somehow annoyed me so much that I had to passive-aggressively run away wherever she was. She later told my mom, who turned to me with tears asking why I would display such cruelty to my own grandma. I had no answer, albeit filled with shame mixed with self-disappointment. I tried to make my mom happy by not distancing myself from grandma, but I still could not bring myself to embrace her grandmotherly image, perhaps out of the impulse to protect myself from the conscription of it. As a result, I cannot say I have ever had a profound conversation or interaction with her despite seeing her frequently for the first 20 years of my life. She left us forever before I even learned about her name, as she was always just “grandma” to us. I took the photo above in 2014, when I saw her for the last time, in our village, Koi1-tao5, that I visited weekly growing up. She passed away soon after this. It is hard to say if cancer took her from us, or the polluted river processing tons of electronic waste from the West did, or over 60 years of thankless motherhood was the killer. The village is perhaps not “ours” anymore, as the river weeps in chemical pollutions, the mountain maimed by industrial excavation, ancestors aged by generational cycles, and families displaced by urbanization and governmental land-grabbing. Maybe it is too late to want to hold her hands, apologize, and sit with her. But such is my maternal ancestor who continuously teaches me what mothering means in unimaginable ways.

#organizing

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gardenshomemanagement · 2 years

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bibblelevi · 3 years

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Teaching househusband Levi how to pleasure himself + turning him into YOUR personal camboy since Levi can't be left unattended or be trusted to handle his own desires whilst you're away on a 2 week business trip. Some lessons, he's only allowed to desperately hump against primitive things: your clothed knee, palm, arm, leg, HIS pillow, the sheets etc; if he's been good, he can use toys. Everyday after you retire to your hotel room in the evening after long meetings, you join the link levi sends

cw for subby!Levi, camming, implied femdom, toys, dom/sub relationship, bdsm themes, lowkey a 24/7 dom/sub lifestyle-type relationship, orgasm denial, mentions of chastity, lingerie, gag, anal play, pet play, overstimulation

And he always, always wears or uses whatever “gifts” you leave behind… like the pink baby doll slip and the matching lace thong; the cat ears and the tail plug and the leather collar; the vibrating plug and a gag so you can make him squirm for you. After all, the little show is for your enjoyment—everyone else is only allowed the luxury of watching.

The most important lesson is teaching him how to get off without using his hands—without having to even touch his cock at all. A few fingers up his tight little ass will do the trick, as long as he masters those scissoring motions you demonstrate for him, repeatedly.

But he’s not allowed to touch when you’re around. That’s your job. And fuck, do you absolutely spoil him. Long handjobs and blowjobs, sometimes twice, or thrice, a day. Constantly introducing him to new toys with hours of overstimulation. You decide whether you want his pretty balls drained or round and heavy, and almost always choose the latter, because Levi is so, so sweet when he’s clinging to you for more of whatever you’re willing to give.

Some days, you cuffs his hands behind his back and place a vibrator on the floor. “You have ten minutes to come, baby. If not, well— “ You toy with the silver chain and the key hanging on your neck, “you know what happens.”

You always leave the toy on the slowest setting, and you always sit back and watch him struggle, hands fumbling behind him. Sometimes he gets so desperate he cries. He squeezes his legs together, shuddering through every breath, then groans in disappointment when you pull the plug on the toy, leaving him stiff and soaked.

He knows those “lessons” (which are supposed to teach him something about “time management”) are always a sign that you’re leaving for some time. You join him to do the necessary washing and grooming, because you love coddling and caring for him, especially after he’s been so good, and because you know you won’t be able to touch him like this for a while.

Which is why you look forward to the first night—that little notification popping up on your phone. The first thing you see is your beautiful husband, already on his knees with his ass in the air, and two fingers stretching himself open in preparation for the toys you laid out on the nightstand.

#ending 2021 with this levi thirst.#Levi thirsts #subby Levi #Househusband Levi

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boi69420swag · 3 years

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why you should not glamorize ed:

making your friends and family high cal/unhealthy foods so they would gain weight

hair literally falling out in CLUMPS

you literally lose muscle before you lose fat

no s3x drive

always seeing your friends as competition. btw they aren't playing!!

the most RANCID farts

all you think about is food. all day everyday.

constant body aches

comparing your body to literal children

not being able to walk up stairs

your brain will not work the way it's supposed to

internal bleeding

infertility

open sores in your throat

metabolism slows down

no energy for anything

the number on the scale is never enough

dehydration

so so so irritable

constant dizziness

night sweats

food makes you nauseous

bad breath/yellow teeth

not being able to reach your full potential in sports or school

being cold all the time

watching mukbangs

purposely sleeping in

memory loss

being able to talk ab nutrition for HOURS AND HOURS

always tired

PERMANENT damage to your organs

never knowing what your body actually looks like

having to change the batteries in your scale like every week

never feeling valid or always in denial

nobody cares until you're literally skin and bones

your my eyes only filled with body checks

can end up with alcohol or drug addiction

bruises bruises bruises

brain shrinking

being embarrassed to eat in front of others

clogged drains

insomnia from hunger

heart palpitations

walking around the supermarket for hours but not buying anything

no personality

becoming allergic to foods

all or nothing

hands or feet going numb

everything is competitive

lying to everyone you love

ruining relationships

your skin can turn green from anemia or organ failure

heart failure

planning meals beforehand

craving food constantly

the guilt.

very intense mood swings

either super hydrated or super dehydrated

chew and spit

avoiding social events just in case there might be food

obsession with calories

blindness

exercise addiction

increased anxiety

"intermittent fasting"

binging

brittle nails

not being able to shit

wrist pains

joint issues

judges what other people eat

rotten teeth

the worst heart burn ever

feeling weak 24/7

hallucinating bc you can't sleep

being too unstable to keep friendships

getting full after like 2 bites of food

moldy food in your room

thoughts never making sense

dreaming about food or being hospitalized

blue fingernails

arms and legs start swelling

once you start it feels impossible to stop

smelling food instead of eating it

punishing yourself everytime you eat

poor wound healing

spending hours looking at thinspo

swollen tongue

isolation

takes so long for you to eat one meal

walking for hours on end

using the tiniest bit of food as a reward after intensely working out

veins hurting from drinking too much water

bursting blood vessels in your eyes from purging

having the habit of checking the calories on everything. and i mean EVERYTHING

thinking people just want you to get fat when they tried to make you something to eat

the headaches. oh the headaches

being broke/taking money from people to buy binge food

thinking you're faking all of it for attention you don't even crave

not taking antidepressants because you're afraid that they will make you gain weight

pale skin

bad body odor

acne

brittle bones

not knowing where any of your bruises came from

again with night sweats, waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat

lanugo, literal fur

always uncomfortable

gaining back all the weight you lost and having to repeat over and over (never worth it)

your ed becomes your personality

very emotional or very numb

no period

passing out

yelling at your family

knowing the calories of what you're eating without checking

getting called anorexic as an insult

vomit bags in your room

wasting food

not being able to enjoy holidays

"it must be healthy bc it's low calorie"

hands literally turning yellow

being able to feel your body shutting down

paying close attention to other peoples diets

"this wouldn't happen if i was skinny"

always finding a way to make yourself busy

YOUR ED WILL BECOME THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

wanting to have a healthy relationship with food but also being in love with your ed

jealous and insecure if you notice your friends lost weight

ignoring everyone who says to get help

feeding tubes

losing trust with everyone

"morning skinny"

people watch you eat so you have to act like you're enjoying it

thinking everyone around you is looking at you

breaking the toilet

oh and i forgot. DEATH!

they aren't fun! we are sick and dying!

#model thin #anamia #not pr0 4na #ed tings #ed things #not pr0 just using tags #pr0 4n4 #pro recovery #only pro for myself

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forest-babeys · 2 years

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howly fuck that took long, uh

Hello! It is the mun!! After like.. way too fuckin’ long, they have returned! Your king has not abandoned you! Mun has found their password again- okay let’s just drop the mun 3rd person talk, this is serious.

So, where to begin.

I thought I lost this account for good after so many horrible things started happening at once. Breakups, familial death, mentally draining and abusive relationships, grooming, the WORKS, practically everything bad to happen to a young teen happened, but i kept on the down low so the blog could thrive. And it worked, I guess but I had a breaking point. And thus, 7 months ago the blog was left to collect dust without explanation. After a while, I wanted to come back, but..

yeah, i forgot my password.

In the end though, I suppose it was worth it, not having the choice to come back early. Without Tumblr I was able to focus on me for once. Improve, branch out, all the jazz normal artists do without the creepy creeps breathing down my neck 24/7 about what I should draw and how I should draw it. (You can’t really escape those anywhere, but holy HELL they were BOUNTIFUL in my time on tumblr) It was nice being away from some of the less than pleasant acquaintances I made and just.. starting fresh again. Off this damn app. Off social media period.

I guess you could say it was what I needed, to be away for a while. Maybe i should have stayed gone. But- in the end, I felt bad leaving everything behind. All of you askers, mostly. It was probably the right thing to do to get away from the app in general at the time, but..

Kitsune, Astronaut, Ghost, Screamer, and let us not forget the man, the myth, the anon, SkateBoard Anon, the thought of you all brought me back one last time. I couldn’t just rightfully leave you in the dark on my status. I mean, some of you thought I died, how could I just let you think that?? Anyways,

You guys built me up to be someone I could’ve never imagined being. I felt like I was someone when I came on this app, which is something I hadn’t felt in years. And even if my stories were bad, and I didn’t really have any clear end in sight, and there were several blogs before this one that I dragged you all through, i had fun with this. My silly little time on this app. I had an absolute blast doing it all with you guys by my side. This was my first taste of internet fame, and it was the best kind of fame a dummy like me could’ve asked for. A small app fame where the community i had felt like friends and family rather than strangers on the internet.

I want to thank you all for sticking through the ramblings and doodles of a sad, young teen and turn it into something a slightly less sad, older teen can look back on fondly. And if you’re still here after all of this, you are absolutely nutty, and thank you for caring so much about the artist.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I will be continuing the ask blog. It was fun while it lasted, but I think I wrecked this train the second i kept going after Millennial Tree Cookie was saved that one time. Slice of life should’ve stayed slice of life, really.

I’ll leave any other socials I own below in case you still want to follow the works of this ol geezer. I have to warn you, I haven’t gotten much better at the social media thing. And if not, then this is farewell.

This is the end of the Forest Babeys blog. I’m sorry it had to crash and burn before whatever “grand finale” I could make up was made, but I just.. can’t look at this blog the same way I used to anymore. I’ll still leave it up as always, new readers can come and go whenever they please and see the journeys we had, maybe come up with their own, better interpretations of what we made here. I leave that to you.

——

mun’s instagram (currently active) @konjkitkat

#mun rambles #whoever’s still reading this; godspeed.#i hope you enjoyed this crazy ride at the end of everything #and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for it

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the-lone-witch-and-secret-room · 3 years

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The Blight twins, codependency and fatal communication failure

Recently I talked about “the Blight children and toxic behaviors”, specifically about the tough love fallacy and how their parents get them to target each other rather than backing each other up.

In that post I mentioned wanting to make one specifically on the relationship of the Blight twins, and, well, here we are.

When we think of The Owl House and unhealthy/toxic platonic relationships, we think of the one Amity has with the twins in the earlier episodes, or Eda and Lilith, or the one the Blight kids have with their parents. I’m pretty sure very few people would look at these words and think of Edric and Emira… but it’s true nonetheless. The twins are raised in a very toxic environment that teaches them a lot of unhealthy mechanisms. The heavily codependent relationship the two siblings share is incredibly unhealthy for both of them.

Let’s get into why.

More under cut because hell this got long.

Who am I without you?

The Blight Twins always show up as a unit. They’re a set of two, who share the same track and are involved in the same shenanigans.

We never see them separate from each other in the show. Not a single time.

Their mother picks their matching outfits, according to Dana, because she likes her kids to be “color-coordinated.” They’re supposed to always look similar.

To Amity, they’re a united front—we don’t get to see her relationship to them separate from each other, we only get her relationship with “the twins.”

As far as I’m aware we’ve never gotten art from Dana featuring just one of them. They’re also often treated as a pair by the fandom (outside of their respective ships, that is), showing up together and showcasing very similar behaviors in fics, showing up together in fanart, etc.

We don’t have much content of just one of them with Amity (or anyone else that’s not their romantic partner).

You also don’t generally see them disagreeing a lot in fan content, which is interesting. Despite being two separate characters, they don’t get to actually be separate from each other a ton.

The main difference you see in their portrayal is in Emira being treated as the more responsible older sister, while Edric gets treated as more goofy (and a bit of an idiot), both in the show and fanon content. But that’s essentially it.

The twins are the twins. There’s no “just Edric” or “just Emira”. They don’t seem to exist without each other.

Their united front is both their greatest strength and their weakest link. They likely experienced a similar abuse as the one Amity went through, but they always had each other to lean on instead of enduring it alone. And while it definitely helps them a ton that they have each other, it also results in an unhealthy amount of codependency. Edric and Emira ONLY ever had each other. Their relationship with Amity is pretty bad and outside of that almost nonexistent up until Lost In Language, mostly used to hurt each other. Edric is always with Emira and Emira is always with Edric and there is no one else they can fall back on. Their most important relationship, the one with each other, is simultaneously the only one they have, one that they desperately clung to for a very long time. They don’t have any friends that we’re aware of.

Both Emira’s and Edric’s worst fear is born out of this. Despite being completely opposite fears, they stem from the same basic issue. In Enchanting Grom Fright, when they talk about their worst fears, Edric says “Being alone forever.” while Emira says “Being stuck with you forever.”

There is so much characterization in those two little sentences.

Edric has a fear of being alone because he’s always around Emira. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be alone, and he doesn’t want to find out. He doesn’t know who he is without Emira. This is somewhat subtle in the show, but she’s shown to be the more responsible of the two, preventing her brother from eating snow and being bitten by a bat. Edric looks to Emira for guidance, and his fear of being alone might stem from him not thinking himself capable of taking care of himself. Emira is smart and knows what she’s doing, and so Edric always runs after her. Even just entertaining the thought of being without her, without anyone to guide him, scares him so much that he proclaims it his worst fear. He likely leans on Emira a ton.

His desire to to lean on other people because he thinks himself incapable of handling issues himself comes with the possibility of him opening up easier, to the extent of oversharing, doing it so much that it becomes overbearing for Emira. But even if he can open up about some of the fears he has related to not meeting their parents expectations, he can’t really communicate the issues he has that involve Emira, because open communication about their issues is something they generally struggle with (see the point about lack of communication further below). Edric is under the impression that he needs someone else because he’s never been without Emira and doesn’t know what it’s like to exist without her. And as long as he has someone to lean on, he never has to find out if he’s truly as incapable as he thinks himself to be. His refusal to let go of her fuels his fear further—the tighter he holds on, the scarier the thought of letting go becomes.

Emira doesn’t know who she is without Edric either, and that’s exactly the reason she wants to break out of that dynamic so desperately. She doesn’t want to be nothing but someone’s twin for the rest of her life. She wants to just be herself, not have all her interests linked to her brother, for people to stop mentioning her only in the same sentence as Edric. She’s had enough of the matching. What Emira really wants is independence—from her brother, and, to a larger extent, her parents and their control.

Edric leaning on her as much as he does makes Emira feel responsible for him, and she struggles to let go of that because she doesn’t want to hurt him—but the tighter he holds on because he believes he needs her, the more overwhelmed Emira feels by her brother and the responsibility she holds for both of them.

Emira loves Edric, but she’s his sister, and can’t provide him with emotional support 24/7. Spending all day handling someone else’s issues can be pretty draining, especially when you struggle to share the ones you yourself have.

With Emira’s longing for independence comes a refusal to lean on anyone, especially on Edric, because she can’t at the same time let herself be vulnerable and need his support while also wanting to break out of their current dynamic. So Emira doesn’t talk about her issues, she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t lean on anyone. Emira is independent and strong and she doesn’t need anyone, especially not Edric.

It likely started out as them leaning on each other, but where Edric started to become too dependent on Emira always being there, Emira started growing increasingly overwhelmed and pulling back, catching them in a vicious circle of him trying to hold on tighter in order not to lose her, which causes her to draw back further.

To be clear:

a) Emira is not a terrible person for wanting to be away from Edric. What she said hurt him and came across as callous, but what he said harmed her too, even if the “why” that I just explained isn’t as blatantly obvious in the show. Edric isn’t a terrible person for relying on Emira so much, either. Neither of them are inherently malicious in any way, even if they do hurt each other. That they have to deal with these issues in the first place is rooted in the abuse they experienced, specifically in their parents treating them as a two-part set rather than two separate people their whole life.

b) I think it should be clear now why Edric’s behavior is toxic, but I want to address that Emira’s behavior is also an issue. While her desire for independence in itself is normal and healthy, she’s striving for a toxic kind of independence where she doesn’t need anyone anymore, which wouldn’t be good for her either.

Everyone needs to rely on other people sometimes, and if she doesn’t allow herself to, it’s going to cause some serious damaged in the long run. The most reliable relationship she had, the only support system she has, falls victim to her desire to be away from Edric… and only after she is she’s going to realize just how much she needed him, needed anyone to be there, too.

I think it’s very interesting that Edric’s and Emira’s issues are essentially inverted—they have the same root, but their problems are the exact opposite.

Edric is Emira’s mirror image.

This is also shown visually. With the matching clothes and identical dominant features (eye and hair color), they look extremely similar. Their beauty marks are what makes them into a mirror image rather than just looking identical, because they’re on opposite sides of their face. Emira’s is on her right cheek, Edric’s on his left. If they face each other, the marks mirror each other perfectly.

They had the same thing in the concept art I’ve seen of them too, but it was with identical earrings on opposite sides rather than beauty marks.

Caged Freedom

I couldn’t find a way to somehow smoothly fit this into the overlaying topic, but it’s an important part of the reason for their communication issues I go into below, and also just something that I wanted to go into, so take it or leave it.

The twins appear extremely confident, seem like they always get what they want (Amity even resents them for “getting away with everything”), but they really, really doesn’t. Sneaking out of school is the only way they can have the slightest bit of normalcy and freedom and control over their life, and Edric and Emira cannot be caught or it will come back to bite them—the reason they wanted to punish Amity in the first place is that she told on them for skipping, getting them in trouble.

Even within their “rebellion” against their parents, there’s a set system Emira and Edric have to operate within—matching clothes, perfect scores, not doing anything that could get back to their parents or harm the family reputation. Despite skipping school, they both maintain excellent grades. It’s said in Adventures in the Elements, Amity is even trying to beat their best score on an exam.

It’s a careful, calculated kind of resistance, not one that includes them openly opposing their parents. They do things their parents wouldn’t like, they tread lines, but they’re being smart about it, in hopes it will never get back to their parents. Even their limited freedom is caged in that way.

Despite seeming as confident as they do, they’re too scared to talk back to their parents. They cause exactly the kind of trouble that they know is possible to get away with without putting themselves in harm’s way. Going further, openly calling their parents out for how they’re being treated, would be dangerous, and so they don’t. They operate within the system and follow it as much as they have to in order to be able to push the boundaries even slightly.

Their endless confidence, their apparent fearlessness, is just another illusion of theirs.

They wouldn’t need to get back at Amity for telling on them if their behavior was just a huge “fuck you” to their parents. But they do, because their parents aren’t supposed to know. They’re scared, even if they’d never admit that.

Emira and Edric target Amity as a way to cope with the treatment they receive from their parents, which they to an extent blame on Amity (I’ve gone over this more in-depth in the toxic behaviors post I linked above).

Hurting Amity in hopes she won’t tell on them again seems safe in a way that actively calling out their parents behavior could never be.

Lack of Communication

Edric and Emira both have trouble communicating their feelings in a healthy way, and instead of open communication and talking things through they revert to backhand comments and punishment.

They grown up believing that severe punishments are necessary, “tough love” used to help someone improve as shown (and literally quoted) in Lost In Language in regards to Amity. That’s also something I go into my other Blight sibs post.

Regarding the backhand comments, let’s look at their worst fears in Enchanting Grom Fright again. As explained above, Emira’s “being stuck with you forever”-fear is a shitty attempt at trying to get across that she’s unhappy with never getting to be apart from Edric to just be herself. Edric’s “being alone forever” brings up a huge fear of his, especially of being abandoned by Em, which, regarding her worst fear, is justified.

Both of these fears are extremely understandable, and they don’t necessarily have to be at odds with each other—Emira just wants to not feel overwhelmed by Edric, and figure out who she is, and she doesn’t have to completely abandon him to achieve that, even if it’s something she might think she wants now. Edric has to find a way to be able to rely on himself more because Emira can’t always be around him, but he can still maintain a close, positive relationship with her, and would absolutely be able to make other friends that could support him.

What them voicing these fears is, for both of them, is a desperate cry for help, for change. Edric wouldn’t be bringing this up if there wasn’t a part of him that desperately wants to talk to Emira about this, and in the same way Emira wouldn’t have said her fear if she wouldn’t want it too. But the issue is that the twins don’t actually communicate. They put these huge things out there, validating the other’s worst fear with what they say. And then they don’t talk it out. These sentences just hang in the air between them, and then they move on like nothing happened, both anxious and hurt.

And this is because the Blight family in general doesn’t communicate. As mentioned before, the twins don’t dare to talk back to their parents, they do things behind their backs and hope they won’t get caught. They don’t communicate with Amity, and despite Edric and Emira being the closest person the other has, they don’t really communicate the issues in their relationship with each other either, because they don’t know how. This is not a skill they were ever taught, because talking things through like that requires them to be extremely vulnerable. To acknowledge what their worst fears are and why, that they might have gone too far or might have been wrong about some of the things they said, and therefore admit to not being perfect.

But Blights are required to be perfect, and Blights aren’t wrong—if others don’t see things your way, you make them. If others don’t act the way you want them to, you punish them. Tough love to help them grow and “encourage” them to make the “right” decision.

There’s no room for open communication in an environment that sees vulnerability as a shortcoming, and admitting mistakes as a weakness. If neither party is willing to take the first step, communication withers and dies, and the issues go ignored as they grow. Admitting there’s an issue in the first place, and that it might partially be your fault, is considered backing down. And Blights don’t back down. They can’t.

If you back down in business, let others convince you into a bad contact, you’ll never be successful. Worst case: it might be the end. And so you don’t back down. You never do. Blights don’t lose an argument. The other person has to break and back down first.

But that can’t work when both people involved were raised with that mindset. So Emira doesn’t make the first step, and neither does Edric, and aside from their backhand comments that never lead anywhere, they just suffer silently as their relationship disintegrates without as much as their acknowledgement of it.

For Edric, there’s also the issue that bringing up his fear might possibly drive Emira further away, knowing her fear. He doesn’t want to make her angry, and doesn’t want to fight with her, because it might lead to him losing her, which is exactly what he so desperately wants to prevent.

I can’t remember which post brought it up, but one post I read a while back also addresses how despite admitting that her behavior was wrong, we never hear Amity say “sorry” to Willow. Because if there’s one thing the Blight family does even less than admitting mistakes in the first place, it’s apologizing for them. Open communication is weak. Apologizing is weaker.

In summary: There needs to be a balance between depending on yourself and still being able to ask others for support when you need it, and Emira and Edric are currently sitting on opposite ends of the same issue. Both of them need to move more towards the middle. What one of them so desperately wants is what the other needs to recognize.

Emira realizes that she needs space from Edric, and because Edric doesn’t recognize it, he’s the one that needs space from Emira more. He desperately needs to realize that clinging to each other the way they currently are isn’t healthy.

Edric realizes that he needs support from other people, and that’s something Emira denies for herself that she really needs to realize.

They both have half of the solution to their shared problem, but their difficulties communicating the issues within their relationship properly prevent them from finding a healthy solution together.

For everyone that’s incredibly sad now (myself included): I cover these topics in several of my fics.

Most prominently, Locked Out, where I’m currently beginning to explore the Blight twins and their different mindsets further.

Most recently, Sleight of Hand, a collab fic I did with my friend @lexa-alycia, where, among other things, the twins have a long overdue conversation regarding the things said in Enchanting Grom Fright.

But also 6/8 of my currently posted Owl House fics (not counting another additional two that also do and are done but haven’t been posted yet) give focus to at least one of the Blight twins if not both, so yeah I have plenty of twins content on my profile for anyone that wants XD

Next up, probably (because I just do not want to be done with this apparently): a post regarding Vinem and Jerbric and why these relationships would work and be extremely beneficial for everyone involved.

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cherriesfineline · 3 years

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Au Pair – Chapter I

It's finally here – I'm sorry this took so long, this past few weeks have been a mess but here it is, our first chapter for the Au Pair series; I kinda hate this, ngl- I always hate first chapters, a lot of introductory info and bla bla but yeah.

In the weird case you happen to enjoy this and want to be added into the taglist (starting next chapter) you can request it here.

Feedback, likes or reblogs are so, so appreciated! I'm very much new to the whole writing world so yeah it'd be really helpful to hear your thoughts about this <3

Love you all, have a wonderful week beauties!

Warnings: none specifically for this chapter – age gap.

WC: 6.6k

Masterlist

Y/N was tired, to say the least.

And it wasn’t the tiredness she used to feel after a long work shift at her previous job -where her boss was an old, grumpy lady with horrible manners- or the exhaustion felt after spending hours crying due to a fight with her mother. No, this was different. It was a tiredness she couldn’t get rid of; a tiredness no lavender smelling bath or hours upon hours of sleep could amend.

She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her brain shifted in such a drastic way. Y/N could easily recognize and admit her life had never been an exciting one; a memorable one. Ever since she was a little girl it all seemed to fly by; graduations, birthdays, friendships – nothing ever seemed to leave an impact and nothing ever seemed as exciting as everyone else put it to be. She knew she struggled with allowing herself to enjoy things, but this far her life had been pretty average.

Maybe it was the fact that she was 22 years old and never been in a real relationship what skyrocketed her fear of dying alone. Now, she knew it might seem exaggerated – 22 years wasn’t a long life at all, but the pungent emptiness she’d been feeling felt like her inevitable destiny – like that’s how life was supposed to be for her.

England felt different, though. But in all honesty, her emotions hadn’t had switched into completely different ones like she’d expected to happen when she applied for this job as an Au Pair all the way back in February.

With a steaming hot cup of coffee between her cold hands, she sat down next to Coco (a very soft grey Scottish Fold) on the giant couch of her new home, scratching in between his tiny ears earning a low purr in response. Coco had become one of her closest friends so far, along with Anya, a three year old girl with cute blonde locks and a laugh so contagious it made the muscles on your cheeks ache after a long playdate.

Maybe moving away wasn’t the smartest choice. It actually might be one of the stupidest choices she had ever made, actually – moving all the way across the globe when she cried herself to sleep most nights due to her loneliness overcoming her (almost inexistent) self-awareness. Y/N liked to believe she had a wide understanding of her emotions, but it was a blatant lie.

At least she was distracted for most of the day – taking care of two kids and looking after a teenager wasn’t an easy task. It required a lot of mental presence; but by the time she was in bed at night, it all hit back again. She thought maybe this is how life is supposed to be for her, lonely – maybe it was not her brain playing her tricks but her brain making her see how her life truly was.

It’d been two weeks since the Lockehold family picked Y/N up from the airport, and on one side getting physically adjusted to this new life hadn't been as rough as she thought it’d be. She did have it easy, if she had to admit – a big room in a giant, beautiful home and a car to her disposal. Emotionally, on the other side, life was still the same.

She knew the moment she heard heels hitting the cold marble staircase Bella was on her way down with Ivy, the eldest of the three sisters, following close behind, complaining about a hangout she was apparently going to miss because they “are expecting a guest” as Bella announced, meaning neither of her parents could drive her. That’s how Y/N found herself sitting in her (borrowed) blue Jeep Renegade driving Ivy to her friend Lily’s house – who lived in the same rich, over-the-top neighborhood as her guest family, which meant the ride to and back was no longer than twenty minutes. During those minutes together, though, Y/N could physically feel the irritation running through Ivy’s blood because first, she still wasn’t too fond of Y/N because she is 16 and doesn’t need a babysitter -her words, not Y/N’s- and second, Y/N is still not accustomed to driving on the other side of the road.

Technically, Y/N had the weekends off. Living with the same people who employed her gladly didn’t mean working 24/7, but she hoped she could earn a couple of points in her favor if she took her free time to drive her around.

After a short conversation between the two (where Ivy refused to save Y/N’s number in case an emergency came up because she could always call her dad), Y/N dropped her off and drove back to the Lockehold’s. What caught her off guard, was the sight of someone in the driveway at the house next door getting suitcases out of the trunk of a black cab – there hadn’t been any movement in the old Victorian mansion since she’d moved in next door. A man, definitely very tall, dressed in a dark suit is all Y/N could decipher since it was already dark outside and she had to strictly concentrate on not switching to the opposite side of the road out of habit.

Alex was coming down the stairs when Y/N locked the front door – Bella’s husband was a very handsome man for his age, probably anyone could admit it. He was kind of scary sometimes, but was a true sweetheart on the inside; he’s in his mid-40’s and it was clear as day his family meant everything to him, he even treated Y/N like his own daughter, always making sure she’s comfortable and inviting her to most family hangouts – even though Y/N declined pretty often to allow them to have quality time as a family (and because being too socially involved drained her, but they needn’t have to know that)

“You wanna join us for dinner? We have a guest tonight. A family friend.”

“Oh, no, I'm good, you guys enjoy yourselves. I’ll say hello, though.” Y/N replied with a smile; and as before mentioned, even though she had the weekends to herself, they still loved to insist on her joining them for fancy dinners and whatnot. The Lockehold’s loved being hostesses, loved having people around (from what Y/N learned this past two weeks) but she really wanted -and needed- some time for herself after being with them the entire week, and even though she loved hanging out with them, she just wasn’t in the mood tonight.

“You sure? Bella made homemade pasta, from scratch. Her specialty.” Mouthwatering, Y/N thought. Bella was such an amazing cook, and even though she worked hours upon hours every day, she still came to her husband and kids in time to make dinner every night, not missing a single day.

“Sounds delicious, but I think I’ll pass, I’m just really tired.” And before anyone could make another comment, the loud bell ringing through the main floor of the house startled Y/N as it’s louder than ordinary – and sounded kind of old and creepy, in her opinion. By the time the constant thud in her chest lowered to a normal speed, she could recognize Bella’s voice in the foyer, meaning she was the one who received their guest, with a deep voice following after saying 'thank you for having me'.

"He's here!" Alex clasped his hands together, a wide smile appearing in his face. Y/N followed him into the living room where Bella was already chatting animatedly with a man; tall and with broad shoulders (but not excessively; just the right amount) his figure was leaning slightly forward as he listened to Bella rambling about all the 'good things he had missed while he was away'. His hands were clasped on his back and when he lifted his head, he made direct eye contact with Y/N without even having to search for her eyes. His brown curls were perfectly placed on top of his head looking extremely soft, and when he ran his hand through it Y/N couldn’t help but swallow harshly. He undoubtedly looked like someone who belonged in Hollywood next to a young Leo DiCaprio and he was definitely older than Y/N – probably already in his 30's, she guessed, but ageing like the finest wine. He had the softest looking wrinkles in the corners of his eyes – those eyes, forest green; reminded Y/N of what used to be home for her. His intense gaze held a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, unlike his face, that appeared stiff and cold, with a slight crease between his brows. His pink, heart-shaped lips were pressed in a line, a cute mole adorning one side of his chin.

"Harry! It's so good to see you, we've missed you." Alex's excitement forced him to drift his gaze away from Y/N, leaving her like a heated teenager salivating for him. Y/N honestly thought he might had left her speechless and most likely with increasing probabilities to make a fool out of herself if someone needed her to talk, as she was certain she wouldn't be able to formulate any coherent sentences.

Harry. It totally suited him, Y/N repeated his name a couple of times inside her head to check on its pronunciation. Alex reached him and pulled him in a big hug, patting each other's back, and Harry's lips broke into a huge smile making a line of pearly white teeth appear. And dimples. God, he had dimples.

This is how I die, Y/N thought.

"So good to see you, Alex." If sex was a sound, his voice would definitely be it.

"Your skin is glowing, Harry. Italy always does you wonders." Bella gushed. And she was right – his skin had this beautiful golden undertone, but it looked natural and radiant, almost like the sun itself kissed and caressed his skin with the softest touches. Alex snapped Y/N into reality when he turned to face her and grabbed her hand to pull her closer to them, starting a long introduction no one was paying much attention to, explaining how he’d missed her arrival, like he even cared, and how she was the Au Pair they’d all been talking about ever since February. It wasn’t until Alex mentioned something about Y/N and Harry probably seeing each other a lot she was suddenly interested in what was actually going on.

“He owns the school the girl’s attend.” Alex directed towards her. Now, Y/N assumed the moment she laid eyes on him he was probably rich – who wears a suit to a Sunday dinner with friends? Rich people are weird, that’s something we can all agree on; but owning a school which’s monthly fees per kid were worth three of her salaries? That was quite unexpected.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Harry." Y/N offered him her hand, trying to sound as casual as possible, even if her skin felt like it was burning under his intense gaze and her eyes were definitely betraying her.

"The pleasure’s all mine, Y/N." He shook her hand. His strong hold sent shivers down her spine; the cold rings making a big contrast against the heat his hand radiated and she couldn't help but fantasize about how his touch would feel in some other places.

The sudden embarrassment feeling hot against her cheeks made her turn around impossibly faster, feeling guilty at the dirty thoughts consuming her brain while around her bosses – and in front of him. Making a beeline straight to her room, announcing she was calling it a night, she sent Harry a quick -but quite charming- smile, and couldn’t help but soften at the sound of Anya running down the stairs yelling an excited ‘Harryyyy’ once she was past the kitchen.

She knew she got lucky with her commodities – an entire studio-like apartment past the main kitchen of the house, where the servant’s area used to be located a handful of decades ago; but she cussed in a whisper when she remembered half way through her making of a sandwich (four hours after she’d retreated to her bedroom and because she decided on skipping dinner that night, not having enough energy to cook) that her lazy ass still hadn’t bought mayonnaise. Her small kitchen had enough space to hold her snacks, along with some ingredients to make a few meals, since she only had to worry about food on the weekends. Reluctantly, she took the small plate holding her sandwich and made her way towards the main kitchen. There was no way in hell she’d eat a sandwich with no mayo – never in a million years, too dry to go down her throat.

I guess they won't mind if I grab just enough to put on my sandwich, she thought. The house was quiet, everyone probably already in bed, therefore she almost pissed herself when she found Harry sitting in one of the kitchen stools, looking down at his phone with an annoyed expression adorning his face. Almost as if he could sense someone was in the same room, he looked up to find Y/N standing at the kitchen threshold, his face abandoning any sort of emotion.

"Hey."

"Hi." Y/N walked towards the fridge on the far right of the kitchen, opposite from where she came in. "Sorry, I thought no one was here."

"Don't worry, just waiting for Bella and Alex to come back down to have some tea, they're putting the girls to sleep. Would you like to join us?" He offered. And honestly, she'd love to say yes and just listen to him talk with that deep, melodic voice, but her stomach was really hating her right now.

"I'm good, just grabbing some mayo. Thank you, though." She declined with a small smile.

"Next time." He sounded more demanding than suggesting, which slightly baffled Y/N. "Can I ask where you are from?" He asked respectfully.

"A small town in the Argentine Patagonia." Y/N replied with her back facing him as she busied herself with the mayonnaise container.

"Never been to Argentina. Or anywhere in South America, actually." And when Y/N turned around, sandwich in hand ready to go back to her room, their eyes met across the kitchen and she felt the heat creeping up her neck for the second time that night. Y/N wondered how his gaze was always this intense – she wasn’t a fan of how they’d barely exchanged a few words and somehow she felt so exposed.

"You should. It's beautiful." She almost, almost, choked on her own words and when she looked down at her fuzzy pink socks and back to him to try and calm her growing nerves down, he surprised her when she caught him looking up and down her body – in any other case she definitely would’ve felt creeped out, but there was something about him, the fact that he definitely didn’t do it with the intention of her catching him (she noticed how he shifted uncomfortably on his seat after the exchange) and how he simply added a “I’m sure it is," afterwards, she knew she was fucked right then and there – she wanted him looking at her. Was that something bad?

But then – then she remembered how she was wearing her soft cotton pajamas, and she began wondering if he was just laughing internally at her outfit instead of checking her out like she initially thought. And just like a save from heaven, Bella and Alex appeared in the kitchen discussing who was picking Ivy up from her friend's house. "Hi Y/N, still awake?"

"Yeah, got hungry. Stole a bit of mayo, hope you don't mind." She shyly held the plate up.

"Please, this is your house too." Alex waved her off.

"Thanks. Gonna go back now." Y/N pointed towards the small hallway that led to her room. "Goodnight." Turning her body to walk away, she caught Harry's eyes, again, still staring at her, but decided on simply walking away, breaking eye contact, making that small interaction their last one for the night.

The following week consisted of Anya and Y/N playing lots of fun games, trying to get a word out of Charlie and Ivy ignoring her for the most part. Her relationship with each of them was completely different, each trusting her at their own peace, getting used to having a stranger around. Anya seemed the only one openly excited to hang out with Y/N every day, and even though she could tell Charlie didn't exactly mind her presence, she still hadn't talked to her as much as she'd like her to.

"What are you up to, Charlie?" Y/N asked the seven year old as she sat next to her in the big playroom they had on the main floor. Charlie kept her gaze locked on her drawing with a handful of crayons on her right hand as she drew with her left. "You're left handed? That's so cool!" Bella had mentioned some time ago that Charlie had a really hard time letting people in, Y/N knew it'd take some time for her to see her as a friend -like she wanted her to- rather than someone who gets paid to hang out with her, but Bella confessed Charlie was actually really excited to meet Y/N, which felt like a small relief, knowing she actually wanted her there – unlike Ivy. Charlie spoke only when necessary and struggled with making friends but her psych pedagogue said she's just really shy and that ‘once she breaks out of her shell, she's unstoppable’. "I love the birds you drew here." Y/N pointed at some small birds sitting in a tree branch.

"Bluebirds." She murmured.

Getting a single word from her was considered progress, in Y/N’s opinion, but that’s all she got for the entire afternoon – even after constantly sending comments her way while playing with Anya so Charlie wouldn’t feel left out, not a single word came out of her mouth. Anya mentioned Harry at some point while talking about her favorite doll (which Harry had gifted her for her 3rd birthday) and the flash of captivating green eyes almost blinded her internally (she couldn’t deny she’d thought about Harry every once in a while this past week)

And it wasn’t until later that same day, after spending a long while sitting alone in a nearby park, she got the chance to see him again – even if he had scared her (almost) to death, she couldn’t help but feel an annoying flutter in her stomach.

She would like to say she loved her long walks during the most unreasonable times at night, but her reasoning behind her late night needs of distraction didn’t exactly thrill her. It was during the quietest and most peaceful times of the day when her mind seemed to speed faster than ever before; the sleepless nights and brain-wrecking thinking of how alone and empty she actually felt, along with the laziness and reluctance when it came to things that used to make her happy weighed her down like carrying a sack of potatoes on her back.

As she was walking past her neighbor's house (the one where she had seen that man with the suitcases last week) she noticed someone sitting on the large porch. Weird, she thought. She hadn't noticed any movement in the house since that night a week ago, to the point she even considered it being empty again. The silhouette seemed oddly familiar though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

"Y/N." She slightly jumped as she heard them call for her, in a strong and deep accent. Was that...

"Harry?" She asked befuddled. Did he live there? She watched as he stood up from his sitting position on the outdoor couch and walked across his front yard to take a closer look at him stopping at the bottom of the short staircase that leads to the porch. "What are you doing up so late?" And then something clicked in her brain – he was probably the man she saw that night, with his suitcases. It made sense, how he probably got home from vacation the same day he had dinner at the Lockehold's – the same day Bella mentioned something about him being in Italy

"Can't sleep." He simply replied, with a small sigh. He then nodded to the seat behind him, and Y/N could physically feel her brain going a thousand miles per minute. She sat on the far left of the couch as he retook his seat on the right, "what are you doing up so late?" He repeated her question.

And Y/N repeated his answer. "Can't sleep."

So they sat in silence, what felt like hours barely being a few seconds. "Didn't know you lived next door." Y/N took the time to take in his side profile - sharp and long nose, the tip curving slightly downwards when he spoke the next line.

"Never mentioned it." He replied apathetically. The unexpected switch in his tone made her immediately shut up, and even though it confused Y/N as to why he would want her joining him if he didn't want to talk, she was dreading going back to her room alone to drown in her thoughts again. She'd take uncomfortable company over being alone when her head got like this, it helped her get distracted; overthinking this situation instead of the same scenarios that constantly lived in her head.

They again sat in silence for a while, this time for longer than a few minutes, and even though it was slightly uncomfortable, there was an unspoken understanding between them. He just wanted company, and so did she. This time, however, it was him who tried for conversation. "Why did you choose England for your Au Pair program?"

"I was actually convinced I was going to choose France," Y/N shared with a soft tone, "but when I met the girls in one of my interviews I just knew I had to come here. Anya was so excited about meeting me, she thought it was already settled." She ended with a small smile on her lips. The memory of Anya smiling happily at her through the computer screen even when she hadn't had met her yet warming her heart.

It was true, the fact that she’d chosen England because of the girls. She wanted to learn French – she knew her way around the English language pretty well; but the French family whom interviewed her didn’t come close to the Lockehold’s at all – she thought maybe the experience of living in a whole different continent with a wonderful family was better than choosing a place because of the language – the experience was being experienced either way.

"Anya is a very special kid. They all are." Harry declared, the left corner of his mouth turning upwards in a small half smile.

Y/N nodded slowly before asking, "How long have you known them?" She could recall Alex saying he was a family friend – but she had no other information about him besides that.

"A while." The small conversation went for a long while, he shared the real reason as to why he was awake so late, explaining how he has struggled with falling asleep ever since he was young, but besides that comment, he kept his life very private; not sharing much information about himself during their chat, and every time Y/N reciprocated a question, he would either answer vaguely or didn't answer at all, changing the subject with another question. "It's really late" He commented, Y/N’s phone reading 1:08am.

"Yeah, I should probably go to bed." She lifted her head to look at him, who was already searching for her eyes. Y/N cleared her throat when a few moments passed by, again, with no one speaking a word. She wondered what could possibly be going through his head at the time, but he nodded, got up and said, "I'll see you around, Y/N." Her name flowed so nicely out of his lips it made her knees get weak. Locking herself in her bedroom (after entering it by the door at the side of the house – which leaded straight to her room) she laid in bed trying to understand why they’d just hang out in his front porch way past midnight when they clearly didn’t know each other very well – or at all, better said.

First day of classes came by in a heartbeat. The first Monday of September Y/N found herself getting up earlier than she was accustomed to, since the girl's sleeping schedule was different during the summer. 6:15am read her alarm when she lazily threw the soft covers off her body. A quick shower and minimal makeup application later, she stood naked next to her bed checking the weather app, as to know how to prepare the girl's clothes.

After putting a soft pink sweater on and a pair of flared jeans, Y/N left the warmth of her room to wake the girls up. Going for Charlie first (since she didn't need any help changing into her uniform and Ivy used her own alarm) she didn't give Y/N any work at all, waking up immediately after softly calling her name once. Picking her uniform from her closet and leaving it for her to change, Y/N left Charlie’s room to walk towards the next door.

"Morning, Anya." She whispered as she brushed some of her hair out of her face. Anya’s little nose scrunched up and a soft whimper left her mouth as she switched positions, now laying on her side, "gotta wake up, love." Y/N shook her arm softly, and she finally opened her eyes, a tired smile creeping up her face as she noticed it was Y/N sitting next to her. Y/N left her to rub the tiredness off her eyes while she picked her clothes (since her daycare was at the same school her older sister's attended -Harry's school, Y/N couldn't help but think- her uniform consisted of only a white t-shirt with the school logo along with any pair of bottoms she chose for the day.

After picking up her cute small rain boots and help her get dressed up, Y/N did a cute hairstyle on her with the small butterfly hair clips she chose, and went back to Charlie's room to do her hair, Anya coming along.

They arrived at their school; a big, period-like brick building with hundreds of students roaming around and a beautiful fountain at the front – which actually made Y/N’s childhood look like a big joke; the school she had attended was located in the middle of the mountains in a remote field.

"I'll be here at two thirty. Good luck, girls, I'll see you later." Ivy walked away sending a 'mhm' her way to let her know she heard her, and Charlie offered a small smile along with a wave and walked away like her sister. Y/N took Anya off her car seat and helped her get out of the car, her tiny backpack sitting on Y/N’s right shoulder as she grabbed the hand Anya offered her.

"Mommy said I have the penguins' classroom!" She said with excitement as they walked through the doors at the right wing of the building.

"That's so cool! I love penguins, let's search for the door which has penguins on it, shall we?" Y/N suggested even though she could clearly see their door at the end of the hallway.

"Yes! This one has elephants," she pointed at the door they were passing, "look, butterflies!"

"Like your hairclips!" Y/N exclaimed, and she giggled nodding her head. "Ah! Look what we found..." Y/N pointed at the next door.

"Penguins!" She skipped towards the door, dragging Y/N along. They entered the big and colorful classroom where they found some kids crying in their parent’s arms, others being as excited as Anya.

"Hi there! Anya, am I correct?" A woman who appeared to be around Y/N’s age came up to them, scrunching down to be on Anya’s eye level. She nodded frantically, excitement dripping from her smile. "My name is Miss Pia, I'm going to be your teacher this year." She introduced herself, Anya gave her an even bigger smile and slyly asked if she could go meet her classmates, to which Miss Pia agreed, asking her to first hang her small backpack in the rack at the back of the room, taking it from my hands and running excitedly to do it.

"You must be Y/N, then?" Miss Pia asked, getting back up to her feet. She was short with blonde curly hair sitting high in a ponytail, rosy cheeks and a cute teacher apron on top of her regular clothes.

"I am." Y/N offered her hand.

"The administration office said we would be having an Au Pair this year, they always give us a heads up with situations like these." She explained, and Y/N nodded as she continued, "we have the parents, nannies or in this case, Au Pairs," they both laughed," stay for the introduction, you can leave afterwards."

"Perfect, I'll sit at the back with the rest of the parents." Y/N ended up staying for about half an hour, smiling at Anya every time she turned to search for her when something exciting seemed to be happening. She won't be needing any adaptation, as Miss Pia said, and she was dismissed right before they had their first trip to the playground outside, taking advantage of the fact that it hadn't started raining yet.

Right when Y/N was walking out of the building, she spotted Harry at the main entrance, reading something on his phone. He was wearing a navy blue suit with a white shirt underneath, and he looked even more handsome in the daylight. She made her way towards him, walking up the marble stairs (marble stairs! In a school?), and when he noticed her, he put his phone away and slowly (and trying to be as discrete as possible – which he failed to, again) looked up and down her body. Something about him giving her his full attention made her insides burn, and she couldn’t help but bit her bottom lip to suppress a smile.

"Hi." She stopped in front of him, taking a moment to look at his eyes; they definitely looked a lot lighter now that there was natural light surrounding them.

"Hi." He repeated, "Dropped the girl's off?" He motioned towards the building with his head.

"Yes, just left Anya’s classroom." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"Miss Pia?" He asked, squinting his eyes.

"Yes. She's nice, looks like she knows what she's doing." Y/N shrugged. She didn't exactly know her enough to have a conversation about her – and she most definitely couldn’t be one to talk, since she herself didn’t know what she was doing half of the time. “How’s the first day back been so far?” He got cut off from his next comment by his phone, and the small crease between his eyebrows grew deeper, which didn’t go unnoticed by Y/N. "I'll leave you to it." She announced, but his eyes found hers again, and it was almost like he was asking for her to not leave him to it, but Y/N didn’t trust her instincts, not with him – not when he made her so nervous her brain couldn’t process things around him, and she was scared of misreading his expressions; he was hard to read. Not like she was expert at reading people but he was frustratingly confusing.

They didn't see each other again until a week later on a Tuesday evening – the same day Charlie, Anya and her decided to go for a walk and treat themselves with ice cream from a cute shop across from (what had come to be) her favorite park, Harry and Y/N found each other's eyes across his front garden, just like that night, but this time it was easy for her to recognize him as she could see his face clear and glowing from the sunset shine. His eyes were glued to her until the fence that divided their houses blocked his view, and again, Y/N wondered what could be going through his head.

It wasn’t until after dinner, past her work hours, she decided to leave the house through the door on her room with the sparking curiosity to test if she would run into Harry. Stopping on the sidewalk in front of his house, she noticed he was not sitting outside, and even though that's exactly what she had expected -he was not going to sit there for hours and hours, right?- There still was a small feeling of disappointment that rushed through her, and when she snapped back into reality, it was too late to stop herself as she knocked on his front door.

And Y/N didn’t know where to hide – not like hiding would be less embarrassing but God she did hate herself that moment. The embarrassment running through her veins was painful and made her lightheaded – she knew she had trouble sometimes with not thinking things through, but this was beyond her. He barely knew her. And suddenly his door was wide open.

"Y/N?" Of course she was not lucky enough for him to be asleep and not hearing her knock – life would’ve been too in her favor for that to happen. Of course he was very awake with a half drank cup of tea in his hand and the softest looking pair of grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips. "Are you ok? You look really pale." His voice was calm, probably the softest it'd ever been in her presence. At least he doesn't sound mad, Y/N thought.

Harry wanted to be confused, but he was more curious than anything else. For some reason, he felt very intrigued by Y/N – how she seemed confident but insanely insecure at the same time; it reminded him of himself, if he had to be honest. He just learned how to hide the latter.

"Uh, yeah- um, I was-" she nervously turned around halfway to look behind her and back at him again. He raised his eyebrows in curiosity and Y/N really tried her hardest not to step over her words. "I was about to go for a walk, uh, I was wondering if you'd like to join me?" Stupid. So, so stupid, Y/N thought.

"No, I'm good." He replied, finding oh-so-amusing the way her eyes gave her embarrassment away – he was having fun, watching her like a lost puppy trying to think through her next words.

Her mind was, of course, over speeding. She now felt even more embarrassed. Of course he doesn't want to go for a walk, Y/N conscience spoke to her, it's a Tuesday night and he's probably tired and I'm his friends' Au Pair – he probably thinks I'm this young and annoying girl who has a stupid crush and- "would you like to join me?" He interrupted her self-beating up raising his cup and she noticed the half smile adorning his face, almost like he could tell the wheels in her brain were fast-moving.

"Wouldn't want to interrupt-"

"You're not. I wouldn't have invited you in if you were. C'mon in, now. It's kinda cold out here." He disappeared inside of his house, leaving her on his porch with an open mouth and a blank brain. After closing the door behind her and taking her black vans off, she turned on her left as she guessed that was the way Harry went – and she knew she’d guessed correctly when she stepped into a big open-plan concept living room with a giant kitchen on the far back, Harry standing with his back towards her preparing her tea, "sugar?"

"No, thank you." She sat in one of the stools at the kitchen island as she took the scene in front of her. Her very cute (and much older), very hot neighbor Harry, in sweatpants and a very thin white shirt, a small patch of skin showing on his hip, making her tea. His shoulders were broad and she could see his back muscles moving as he poured steaming hot water into the cup, the little curls on his neck so inviting, if only she could run her hand through his soft looking hair just once-

"There you go. Cardamom." He snapped her out of her (probably inappropriate) thoughts, and she thanked him as she grabbed the cup from where he placed it; he stayed in his position standing in front of her on the other side of the island, with his forearms against the cold marble, sipping on his own mug, thinking about how strange it felt to have someone he wasn’t close with sitting in his kitchen after so long. "Why are you up so late?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"I figured. I couldn't either, looks like we both have a bit of sleeping issues, huh?" He sounded playful, but tired. Y/N knew exactly how it felt, being so tired but not being able to peacefully go to bed and get some needed rest.

"I remember you mentioning it before, I figured I'd check if you were up. Walking helps me relax, thought maybe you'd enjoy it too." OK, that wasn't entirely true but her reasoning to be there was quite similar – to check if he was up so they could, maybe, share a quiet night like that one a few weeks ago. None of them understood why they found such comfort in each other’s company – none of them felt like they needed to try too hard.

At some point during their conversation they moved to the couch, where they laid with a wide gap between their bodies. "Elton John's was definitely an interesting read. Lots of crazy anecdotes, you should read it."

"Probably not as good as Keith's, but I'll give it a go." He let a dimpled smile creep into his face, turning his head to look at her from across the couch and the annoying turn her stomach made obliged her to return it, just as bright as his. Finding out their music taste was quite similar made Y/N’s insides all warm and fuzzy, he showed her his vinyl collection (which was quite large) and ranted about how the modern industry was missing a rock star with some of that unexplainable essence old rock bands have – to which she respond saying maybe that something that makes them special was the fact that they were old bands... added to the fact that even though she was an old music lover, modern pop was her guilty pleasure.

Their third teacups were long forgotten on the modern coffee table by the time he noticed Y/N’s eyes were slowly beginning to close and he, as last time, said, "it's really late." And Y/N only nodded and tiredly got up from her position, with him following close behind.

"Goodnight, Harry. Thank you for having me even though I came unannounced." She shyly said, her actions still making her embarrassed even though it had already been a couple of hours.

"My pleasure. We should- do this again," He coughed into his hand, and uncomfortably continued, "I enjoy your company." That sentence alone made her heart explode with a thousand emotions, because even though they barely knew each other and it clearly pained him to admit he enjoyed having her around, his presence made her calm but anxious in a peculiar mixture of emotions. All she did in return was gift him a big smile, face hot of embarrassment (a nice kind of embarrassment, that feeling when you just want to smile really big and tightly hug whoever is making you feel that way) and slowly pushed herself up on her tiptoes to give him a sweet kiss on the cheek. "Bye." He said lastly, and closed his front door with red cheeks and dimples on display.

- Joey.

#AP #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles smut #age!gap harry #my writing

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compassionatereminders · 4 years

Note

It sounds like you really care about your boyfriend. Do you have any tips for a good relationship?

If you want your partner to know something, tell them. Don't expect them to pick up on hints and read your mind. Don't play mind games. Don't be passive aggressive. Learn to articulate your needs and boundaries and do it often.

Learn to differentiate between your partner doing something bad and you being triggered by something they did because of your past. Learn to take a step back and acknowledge when something is not about what's actually happening and teach yourself to step back and differentiate between the past and the present. Learn to say "this upset me because of my past experiences and it has nothing to do with you, but I still need some space to calm down" instead of taking it out on your partner.

Give each other space to have different interests and do things without involving the other. Just because you love each other that doesn't mean you have to do everything together. Always leave room for both of you to be different people with different interests.

Work on not taking everything personally. Sometimes your partner will be distracted and forget to answer a text, sometimes your partner will be too busy to hang out, sometimes your partner will be distracted or have a really bad day - and most of the time it's not because of you so don't make it about you.

Don't expect your partner to always be able to drop everything to be there for you the second you need them. Remember that they have their own life to live and that you can't be their first priority 24/7 - and don't take it personally.

If you don't trust your partner not to cheat on you, you need to leave the relationship - not try to control and micromanage them.

Make room for each other to maintain your friendships and build new ones. You can't be everything for each other all the time and that's okay.

Learn to be comfortable being alone together. You don't have to do everything together. It's healthy to be able to do your separate thing in each other's company and it removes a lot of pressure to not constantly feel like you need to actively entertain and include the other.

Never let each other doubt that you care. Say that you love them and show it through your actions. Don't ever leave your partner wondering whether you really care. Make sure they know. Make sure they don't get a chance to start doubting it.

Don't take each other for granted. Having a good relationship is a blessing and you need to keep appreciating what you have with them even when you have gotten used to it. Choose to consciously soak in the good moments.

Make sure you're both comfortable speaking up when you're uncomfortable. Learn not to lash out or take their boundaries or constructive criticism as a personal attack. It's so important that you're both capable of speaking up if something needs to change. So make sure you don't punish your partner for articulating their needs and boundaries.

Internalize that a "no" or "stop" isn't a personal attack on you and that it's a actually a compliment that your partner is comfortable establishing clear boundaries around you.

Have discussions to understand each other and find common ground, not to win.

Find out what your partner needs to feel loved and prioritize doing those things.

We all have our own little quirks. Make sure you get to know your partners quirks and make room for them. Make sure your partner doesn't feel like they have to self censor around you to be accepted. Make sure they feel comfortable being a little weird.

If you get really upset, walk away from the situation till you've calmed down enough to have a rational discussion. But take the discussion. Don't keep hiding and isolating yourself.

When you've reacted in an unfair or mean way, make sure that you acknowledge your fuck up, that you apologize and that you work to prevent it from happening again.

Don't treat your partner as your therapist. It's okay to rely on them for emotional support, but don't ever place the responsibility for your mental health on their shoulders. Your recovery is your responsibility and while your partner can love and support you through it, it will never be their responsibility. So make sure you seek help from actual professionals as needed.

Prioritize honest, open and direct communication even when it's hard. If you want people to understand, you need to explain yourself.

Remember that a relationship is supposed to add something worthwhile to your life, not drain you. Conflicts happen, but the good should outweigh the bad and if it doesn't, it's time to make a change.

#chat with kat

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demonytekav · 3 years

Text

So update on my nakedness (lol I wonder if anyone is thinking wtf why they keep putting it like that).

My family that was visiting finally left.

Of course not without my Aunt making sure to sit me down at the dining room table and grilling me. Trying to pry and ask what my issues are. Basically making me feel like I was getting an intervention talk but also not.

I kept my answers vague even when she asked “Am I digging too much” and I said “yes” she said “Well there are no barriers between us we don’t keep secrets”. And then kept trying to dig.

I played it cool and kept steering back to my old job but she kept trying to steer me towards relationships or other overly personal shit. And kept trying to dig into why I don’t basically throw myself into dating full speed. I tried to explain that I wanted to live on my own and learn how to support myself without relying on another person before I tried to even get serious with someone. I need to know I am safe if the relationship broke down and that I can manage to live on my own without worry that I couldn’t afford it etc. But apparently that’s not a good answer and I’m supposed to be dating regardless of if I want to work on myself or not.

Mind you, we are having this conversation in front of my parents (the root of every fucking issue I have) and two other people who I am not comfortable opening up to or around.

So not only is she trying to get extremely private info out of me that I wouldn’t tell anyone, she was trying to do it in front of my antagonizers.

I get people wanting to help. But when I say no I hate that my family doesn’t understand NO. That entire conversation was so draining and having to spend an hour and a half dodging shit smoothly so she wouldn’t ask more was absolute horseshit.

I feel like some of my weeks of progress to heal myself have been for nothing since now I feel like I’m taking several steps back AGAIN. I keep feeling pressured and I equated it to feeling like someone ripped my skin off and keeps poking my bare muscles and it’s agony.

It’s so hard when I’m trying to move forward and YES it’s slow, much slower than normal I guess, but they won’t let me just do it at MY pace. I wake up feeling so tired all the time and just so resentful of the day.

I don’t want to talk to people anymore because I don’t want to be pressured into talking about myself. I have a friend who I have asked her MANY times not to pry and that I didn’t want to talk about me when she calls me. She gets about 10 minutes and then circles back trying to pry or brings up my issues and I just stopped answering her calls. She’s extremely needy and now sent me a message telling me about her abandonment issues and that she knows I’m going through stuff but she needs me to answer her call. And I’m torn because YES I feel bad for not answering. But I also feel BAD and exhausted that she won’t quit poking and prodding me even when I say “I don’t want to talk about that”. I just want to have a nice fun conversation without having to constantly talk negatively. (Not to mention she keeps trying to pressure me into doing activities and I get asking me if I want to join but take my no when I say no damn it.)

I’m kind of damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I feel so guilty all the time for not being mentally available to certain people.

But I had been so proud of myself because I finally started to slowly talk to others again, I found a small community (outside of bkdk lol) and I could just have normal conversations about whatever the fuck. They never HAD to be about me and allowed me to talk to people and help people without HAVING to talk about me unless I wanted to.

But people around me make me feel like that big step was nothing. I don’t want to have overly personal conversations with people who want to tell me how I need to be and act disappointed that I’m not whoever the fuck they think I��m needing to be.

I’m glad my family is gone now.

Only interesting thing that I wish I could have pointed out to everyone was how my step dad was bullying my Aunts husband the entire week and she was so angry and upset about it, that bullying is exactly how I live 24/7 and have been since I was 7 years old. But then I’d have to share personal shit and I’d rather not. So I kept my mouth shut. I just felt kinda validated that oh yeah, see it’s not just me….

Fuck I’m tired.

Sometimes I wish I cared less about other people’s feelings.

Sometimes I wish I could not feel guilty for doing things for me.

Sometimes I wish I could just say “Fuck you.” And be okay to walk away.

Too bad I’m scared of the consequences after years of abuse and ‘you didn’t do what I wanted so here’s your punishment’.

Sometimes I wish I could be that asshole I KNOW is in me. They are RIGHT there. My monster under the bed if you will. That I hide and pretend doesn’t exist.

Good news for me, I’m going to talk to a therapist as soon as my new insurance kicks in. See if that helps. Might not, but I don’t want to feel less than human all the time so I want to try.

Hopefully this is the last of the naked serious of events because it’s kinda cold…

#kav talks #personal #I feel like I haven’t slept in a month

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geminifeed1 · 3 years

Text

Blaze (M)

Pairing: (F) Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: angst.

Idols au.

WC: 1K+

Warnings: Language.

A/N:

--------------------------

Pt1 / Pt2 / Pt3 / Pt4

--------------------------

We arrived at the club.. it's not really my favorite scene but it's where my friends like to meet.. My eyes find my childhood best friend Jinyoung.. I go straight up to him.

"We need to talk."

"Not now, let's talk later okay."

"No we...."

He cut me off : "Let's dance first." as he pulled me to the dance floor.

We started dancing, I needed to think anyway, so while we were jumping around I gathered my thoughts.. what Mina (Jinyoung's girlfriend) well ex now I guess, said, still burning the inside of my head.. of course it's not true but I just need to make sure, to prove it to her. They were perfect for each other, they shouldn't break up over something so ridiculous and obviously not true..

But as we lose ourselves to the music like we always do.. when the music started slowing down.. and he got awfully close, looking dangerously into my eyes.. i started freaking out a little .. because what i started to see in these eyes that I've known so well for years.. made me panic.. surely I'm just overthinking it.. and i hope to god that it's just the music and liquor and not actually.. something.. else.

I stepped back and went to sit down in our booth. A couple minutes later he followed me inside the booth. He just looked at me.. waiting for me to speak..

"What happened with Mina?" I started.. sipping my drink. "Nothing. We broke up. It didn't work out."

"Why didn't you tell me? We tell each other everything, or so I thought." I looked at him

"No we don't. If I told you every secret I carry, there would be a different story." Before I could ask him what he meant I heard him curse under his breath looking behind the crowd.. I turn to see what he is looking at.. that's when I saw Yoongi looking back at us..

He came over and pulled me away.. I could feel Jinyoung watching me, the burn of his gaze on my back.

"What are you trynna do?" with his fingers still tangled in mine.

"Nothing, what do you mean?"

"I saw you both dancing.. you didn't have to be stuck to him that close to dance.. not that i care anyway."

I rolled my eyes.

He held my waist and kissed my cheek and I'm pretty sure he was glancing at Jinyoung to make sure he saw that, we don't do PDA, not ever, I can read him like tea leaves..

"I thought you had to work this week." I raised my brow at him.

"I had a couple of hours free, so i thought i drop by and see a friend that i haven't seen in a while."

"You did that the last time too, to visit a museum!.. It seems like.. You would go out of your way for anything but never for me."

"Is that what you really think?? what about you? Even though you see your members 24/7 , you still choose to spend your free time with them, how come I'm not your first choice?"

"It's not like you ever here anyway, and even when you're here you're half present.. now it doesn't even matter anymore if you're here or not.."

The effect of my words was immediate and obvious. Yoongi’s arms fell from my frame uselessly to his sides. He took a step back, looking at me with eyes deep with sadness.

"How can you say that... I don't understand why you have to make things so difficult all the time."

That did sting a little..

"What did i do now?.. why do you always find a way to make it my fault."

"I never said anything is your fau...."

I cut past him in the middle of his sentence but he caught my arm

"Where are you going?"

"To my friends."

"Every time i say something you don't like you just leave.. It feels like i'm walking on eggshells with you.."

"Well maybe then we shouldn't speak.. it was better when we weren't talking.."

"You don't mean that."

"Of course i don't Yoongi! I'm just sick of fighting."

"Then lets not fight.."

"Only if it was as easy as saying it." and went back to my friends.

______________________

"So what happened last night exactly?" Nari asked.. sitting down on the floor of our practice room.

"I mean nothing really happened, he was just acting weird." I replied.

"Jinyoung? From got7?" Said Sora while sitting down joining our conversation.

I nodded.

"He's your childhood friend right?"

"Yeah, which is why I think it's weird.. he's never like this."

"That's not what his ex thinks." Nari raised her eyebrows at me with a knowing look.

"Wait what? his ex? when did they break up?" Sora said in confusion.

"Last month I think? she said she thinks he's in love.. with me.." I whispered the last words..

Sora cocks her head to the side "Do you really, believe he has feelings for you?"

"Of course not. Besides, he knows I'm very much in love with my boyfriend."

"That doesn't really stop anyone from having feelings, but it could stop one from doing something about it, which explains why you never knew, you've basically been with Yoongi almost your whole life. Poor Jinyoung."

"Stop it.. stop this. I don't wanna think about it."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Nari suggests.

"And say what? oh hi I heard you're in love with me is that true?"

"Yea maybe.."

"..What am i supposed to do if he says yes.. or no..."

"Love me some real-life kdrama" said Sora in a celebrating voice, we both slapped her at the back shaking our heads.

_____________________

"I can't. my schedule is full the whole week." Yoongi said on the other end of the phone.

"It's been full the whole month.. when am i gonna see you?"

"Soon i promise.."

"yeah soon as in another couple months. It's always like that."

"Baby.. I miss you too, i'm sorry it's not by choice u know that."

"Why does it feel like i'm dating myself." I whispered.

Silence.

"I'm sorry.. i know I'm acting like a baby.. it's okay I understand It's your job.. it's just I missed you that's all. I love you." I say apologetically even though I'm still sad.

"I love you too, and I do miss you, so much.. you have no idea."

After I finished my call I went back to the kitchen.. I'm at Jinyoung's house.. Since we didn't finish our conversation at the club..

"You guys argue a lot these days." said Jinyoung in his disapproval voice.

I sighed.. "It's.. I don't know.. i don't wanna say that I'm used to it but I'm used to it.."

"You shouldn't.."

"I know.. looks like we both have troubles with our significant other."

"Except i realized it was wrong and got out of it.. maybe you should think about it too.."

"I couldn't imagine my life without him.. i don't wanna be alone."

"You'll never be alone.. You have me i'll always be here."

I stared at him for a moment..

"You are a very special person and everybody can see that.. I Lo... I.. really care about you.. more than most if not, all people in my life. I mean you're literally my best friend"

I tried to play it nonchalantly and act like I didn't hear what almost came out of his mouth.. but my heart started beating faster in my chest.

"I'm not trying to insert myself in your love life or interject myself where I shouldn't be.. but.. you deserve the best.. you deserve to be happy.. you are obviously not with him." he looks deeply into my eyes.

I just don't say anything as I wait for my heart to slow down.. you can't hear a person's heart from a distance right? God, I hope he can't hear it.

"Y/n? are you still here with me?"

"yeah yeah sure." Shaking myself internally.

"Anyway, It doesn't really matter. what do you want for breakfa..."

"I talked with Mina.." I need to get it out of my chest before I lose the courage.

The color drained from his face but he regained himself quickly planting a smile on his face "Yeah? what did she say?"

"It doesn't matter what she said, because I know it's not true, everyone who meets us just assumes we are together when we are not, you should tell her it's not true.. it isn't, right?" My eyes pleading with him to say yes it's not.. but the look on his face made me take a couple steps back..

"I can tell by the look on your face that you want me to lie and say what you want to hear.. i can do that for you, I've been doing it for the past ten years.. but I won't anymore.. it was hell for me.. silently watching you go through hell with him, breaking my heart twice the times he broke yours.."

I didn't notice my tears were falling down, until he came closer and wiped them for me.. i pushed him away, i felt angry, hurt, confused.. did our friendship meant nothing to him, was he there just because he has feelings for me.. was he there just waiting for my relationship to end so he can step up and take me away.. it wasn't pure friendship.. it wasn't even real.. my feelings were all over the place.. the air In the room suddenly ain't enough, when did i stop breathing.. i have to get out.. i need to leave..

______________________

To be continued.

#fanfic #bts fanfic #yoongi #min yoongi #kpop fanfic #kpop #idol au #kpop imagines #bts imagines #bts scenarios #yoongi bts #yoongi scenarios #bts

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bookplush · 4 years

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so. i was just reading this post and this post. and. honestly, i’m so mad at chiron and CHB in general for the way they managed percy and his powers.

literally NONE of the greek big three kids have a good handle on their powers. nico has no idea how to pace himself and his powers drain him so much that it’s accepted as normal for him to fall unconscious after any time using them. also, his powers are inextricably tied to his emotions, and he’s been suppressing them both for so long that it’s hard to know even half of the scope of his powers. percy never discovers new powers until he’s in the clutches of certain doom, at which point he has no idea how to control them and ends up nearly killing people, and then blames himself and thinks of himself as a terrible person. thalia has the best control over her powers of the greek big three kids, at least her lightning powers, but she’s terrified of heights, which undoubtedly is holding her back from unlocking a lot of her height related powers (or maybe she HAS unlocked them and just never uses them because they terrify her).

jason and hazel are the only ones who have even a remotely healthy relationship with their powers. hazel has the whole curse thing, but that’s a result of external circumstances, not internal battles with it. and once the curse is dealt with she has little to no issues with her powers, and even masters an entirely new set of powers with the mist. handing new powers is something that percy and nico are both. very terrible at. and we’ve never really seen thalia try it. jason probably has the healthiest relationship with his powers, as he seems to understand them pretty well and isn’t afraid of them like nearly all the other big three kids are. CJ does a MUCH better job of helping their big three kids understand and control their powers than CHB does.

like, did chiron ever even try to help them??? nico actively tried not to stay at camp 24/7, and thalia was. a tree. so you cant really blame him for not reaching those two. but did he EVER work with percy about his powers???? did he ever even TALK to percy about understanding, exploring, and learning to control his powers?? everyone always compares CHB to hogwarts, but hogwarts is specifically designed to help A. nurture magically attuned folk’s powers, helping them to become more powerful as they grow, and B. control said powers, so that a wizard who might blow a desk apart on their first wave of a wand can learn to channel that energy and do something useful with it. i thought that CHB was supposed to have the same objective; help demigods master and control their powers. but no one ever works with percy. no one helps him understand the powers he has, or try to explore new powers he might develop in the future. they teach him how to swordfight, sure, but they send him on the battlefield with literally 0 lessons in how to use his powers, and it shows. everyone at CHB is self taught, or maybe they have older siblings to help if they’re in a more populated cabin. but the big three kids don’t have that.

but chiron has been around for forever. undoubtedly he’s taught zeus kids, poseidon kids, and hades kids before. he should know how to deal with them. he should be the ONLY person who knows how to help them. that’s his JOB, for gods’ sake! but i can’t think of a single time he even SPOKE to percy about his powers. usually when the main character is an amateur with powers, there’s some montage of them being trained on how to use them and/or control them, but it’s not even alluded to here. there’s a sword fighting demo with luke in tlt, but nothing for percy’s powers. the only time chiron teaching percy about powers-related things (that i can remember) is mentioned is percy feeling neglected that chiron showed thalia how to manipulate the mist and not percy in ttc. so the only time it’s even talked about is when percy is acknowledging how little chiron has taught him. great job, chiron.

like, BRO. your JOB is to help these kids understand how to use their new powers! that’s your whole thing!! why aren’t you doing anything??? percy deliberately chose to return to the place where he expected to get help with his powers, chose to ask for help by coming to CHB, but he got nothing. i suppose it’s possible chiron could’ve worked with him offscreen, but honestly, i don’t think so, because then percy wouldn’t be so bad at handling his powers. (also, not the most canon, but in PJO: the ultimate guide, there’s a page that has percy’s schedule on it, and it never mentions any powers-related training)

like, no wonder percy is terrified of himself and his powers!! no wonder he stumbles into new abilities he didn’t know he had 24/7!! no one ever TAUGHT him!!! if the big three kids are powerful enough to be banned from existence, if teaching them to develop their powers was important enough for the olympians to demand hades turn nico and bianca over to chb or DIE, then you’d think when they actually have a big three kid at camp, that they’d, i dunno, HELP HIM??? instead of just letting him figure it out on his own??? instead of letting him hate himself because he doesn’t know how to control these powers??? little baby 12 year old percy came to camp terrified and confused, and everyone there told him that CHB was the place to learn, to understand, but he got absolutely nothing.

now he hates himself, terrifies people around him, and doesn’t know how to control his powers. because chiron never even tried. these children’s wellbeing is your RESPONSIBILITY, sir. this is your JOB.

except it feels like chiron barely cares about their wellbeing at all. he’s never done anything to help with mental health, even after TWO wars. and he’s obviously not even trying to help them handle their powers. like, is camp even a place for demigods to learn to control their powers? is it a place for them to learn and grow and heal? or is it just a place to keep demigods well fed and distracted with capture the flag so that the gods have a reservoir of bodies to throw at whatever errands they don’t feel like running! luke was right! luke was right luke was right LUKE WAS RIGHT!

all i can say is thank god percy is in new rome now, maybe he can get some actual help for once from the people who actually care about the wellbeing of demigods. nico should probably move to CJ too, god knows he’s not gonna get any kind of help at CHB. im so mad.

#jsdljgldjfjdfs this isn't worded the best and i feel like i repeated myself a lot but i'm SO MAD #percy jackson #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #The Heroes of Olympus #Heroes of Olympus #pjo #hoo #Nico di Angelo #jason grace #Hazel Levesque #thalia grace #anyways yeah #long post #hey i made this: pjo #1h #5h

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harringtonstudios · 5 years

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dusky pink.

plot: you’re called in for an emergency photoshoot, not really knowing what to expect, things can surprise you. part 2!

A/N: holy moly this is the most i’ve written! glad i got back in a mood. this is for the anon that asked about a model!au earlier, i hope you like it.

taglist: @iamdorka @no-shxt-sherl @bakerkells @findingmyth @rosegoldrichie

When you had gotten an emergency casting call from Galore Magazine, you hadn’t expected all this. YBeing an established model, you were known for your unique photoshoots and uprising through runway walks. You had been in the industry for almost a full year now, feeling like a veteran when you were constantly being booked by different agencies.

Galore Magazine was one of your first employers. They had allowed you to explore your creative side while posing for the camera, launching what the industry called your “brand.” You had developed a strong, personal relationship with the executive assistant of the magazine, and she would always offer you jobs when you felt like you needed something to do in order to keep busy.

The phone call came in at 3am, disrupting a night out. You had immediately picked up, walking to the outside of a club after seeing her name flash on the screen. Within minutes, in a slightly tipsy haze, you had agreed to a two-day long shoot, confirming that you would be able to fly out in a few hours.

The alcohol had settled into your bloodstream when you rushed to your apartment, throwing clothes into a duffel bag. The flight you were supposed to be on was scheduled to leave soon, and you knew that check-ins were going to be a bitch, so you grabbed a bagel from the 24/7 corner deli before setting off to get to the airport.

It was only after you had settled into the airplane seat that you realized you weren’t exactly sure what you had said yes to. The alcohol from last night had drained out, leaving you with a pounding headache and you grimaced as the plane started lifting off. Pulling out your phone, you texted the editor of Galore, shamelessly asking what you had signed up for the night before.

There were a few emojis exchanged and then finally, you got the creative plan for the shoot. It was supposed to be a Romeo-and-Juliet aesthetic, inspired by the 90s Leonardo DiCaprio version. You grinned, remembering how fully obsessed you were with that movie in your teenage years. The vibes had always seemed so beautiful, popping shadows and gold chains, it was something you were eager to emulate.

As you read through the notes, you realized that they had a rapper coming in to play as Romeo. This threw you off, there was a certain way you modeled and when collaborating with others, you liked to be prepared beforehand. It wasn’t anything bad necessarily, you just liked to know your partners so that you could tweak your methods to their needs better. You took a breath before opening up Google to search up “Machine Gun Kelly.”

There were a shit-ton of articles to sort through, mostly relating to his new album release, “bloom.” Scrolling through the different new posts, you bit your lip. He seemed nice enough,a few things catching your eye straight off the bat. The tattoos that lined his skin were amazing, creating a tinge of jealousy as you looked at all of them. Tattoos were your weakness, having about ten smaller ones yourself. This was going to be interesting.

Landing at the airport, you caught a Lyft straight to the set. Since this was an emergency fill-in, you didn’t have time to do much else, sighing as the Galore studio came into view. You loved being in California, the sun shining down on you, cobbled streets, lazing living and you really wanted to enjoy all of it.

Right away, the front desk assistant shuffled you off to the hair and make-up room. The team had a very specific vision to execute and you smiled as their creation came to life. Putting on a natural, dewy look, you sat up straight, trying to make this process as easy as possible for everyone.

Picking up tweezers, they aligned gems under your eyes, making the color pop. Lightly dusting some shimmery powder on your cheek, they moved on to your hair. Straightening it, they applied some sleeking oils before tying it back a little. All of a sudden, one of the top makeup executives came rushing in, holding a swatch of eyeshadow.

“Put this on her! And make sure her lip color matches. Let’s go, hurry it up,” he clapped, throwing the palate to the artist working on you. You shut your eyes, letting fingers run over your eyelids. The color was a dusky pink and as you looked at yourself in the mirror, you felt good.

Applying some Vaseline on your lips before the pink gloss, you pursed your mouth together, blowing a kiss at the mirror. Glancing up, you caught the eye of someone standing behind you.

Turning around, you looked up to see none other than Machine Gun Kelly, leaning against the doorway. His makeup seemed to be already done, matching the glow of yours. His hair was done up, looking soft and sharp at the same time. There was a scar on his cheek, cut open and you saw the eyeshadow shade splotched around it, creating dusky pink on top of his cheekbone. He was smiling at you and you felt a blush start to rise on your cheeks.

“Promise I’m not that cocky. Ever,” you muttered, trying to avoid his warm gaze.

“Cockiness is sexy,” he laughed, leaning over to reach out a hand, “I’m Kells.”

“Y/N,” you responded, giving him a loose handshake.

“Oh c’mon, I know you can shake harder than that,” he grinned, gripping the tips of your fingers in his hand.

“I mean, I could. But why would I want to?” you responded cheekily. Raising his eyebrows, he smirked, dropping your hand.

“HEY YOU TWO! GET INTO COSTUME,” the executive assistant shouted as she passed by. Walking behind you, she leaned in to whisper, “Looks like someone’s getting along,” before going on her way. Feeling the blush climb just a little higher, you got up off the chair.

“Costumes that way,” you murmured, pointing down the hall as Kells followed behind you.

“So, you know a lot about Galore?” he asked and you smiled thinking of all the memories you had in these very rooms.

“Yeah, they gave me my first big break yanno? I’ve been eternally indebted to them since,” you explained, letting your fingers trail over the walls covered in autographs.

“Wow, big ups to you. Most people forget where they come from, glad to see you sticking to your roots,” he spoke as you turned into the room.

“Mhm,” you whispered, immediately getting distracted by the racks that hung around the room. Colors popped out from every corner, complementing the golden shades on your faces. Reaching out to touch one of the satin shirts, you felt Kells nudge your elbow from behind.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to touch those,” he murmured, nodding to the sign that the costume designer had hung up.

“They’re beautiful, I have to. Fuck the rules,” you muttered, picking up one of the hangers off the rack.

He gave you a look before mumbling, “That’s what I like to hear,” and then both of you were grabbing hangers, pulling clothes off of the racks.

“Where do we change?” he asked, hands bunching up the expensive silky shirts. You knew the changing stations were next door, but you didn’t want to really walk over.

Looking up at Kells, you smirked before going, “Right here?”

“Oh? Don’t have to tell me twice,” he said, throwing the shirts on one of the chairs in the room. Reaching to pull over his white t-shirt, he laughed, seeing your gaze on his bare torso.

“Sorry, I um, haven’t seen so many tattoos on somebody,” you stuttered out, hands itching to reach across and touch.

“I think that’s what they all say,” he said, running his tongue against his teeth.

“Shut up, get naked,” you scoffed, turning around to hide the red of your cheeks.

Pulling off your top, you reached for the first shirt you had grabbed, a deep blue button down. It wasn’t meant for you, reaching down to the tops of your thighs as you closed one of the lower buttons. The shoot was going to be in lingerie anyway, and you knew Kells would see your body, so there wasn’t any reason to hide it right now. Turning around, you presented yourself, throwing up jazz hands.

He guffawed, palms reaching up to cover his mouth. Widening your eyes, you leaned over, putting your hands on top of his.

“Stop, are you trying to get caught?” you shushed him, looking at the door for the costume director to walk in at any minute.

“I’m sorry, you just look great, I. I can’t even come up with words,” he snickered as you moved your hands back.

Flipping him off, you took a step back, admiring his look. He was wearing a deep pink suit, jacket open to reveal all his tattoos, pants tailored to his exact body shape. Looking him up and down, you wet your lips, tongue reaching out involuntary.

He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly a shout came through the door. “What is going ON? Y/N you know better,” came rushing out of the mouth of the director. Snapping at you, she pointed over to a rack filled with satin lingerie.

“Get the white one on now. Take this shit off,” she said, reaching for the blue shirt you’d done up. Huffing, you shrugged it off, before walking over to the clothes for you. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see her fussing over Colson’s fit, playing around with the buttons on his jacket.

Shrugging off your sweatpants, you pulled on the white outfit. It fell to the bottom of your legs, slits done meticulously to show off your legs. The lace on it was beautiful, and you hesitated before stepping back around, suddenly getting a little bundle of nerves in your belly.

“Perfect! Come here,” she muttered, reaching for something on the table. Picking up a set of angel wings, she turned you around, snapping them over your back.

You saw Kells staring at you from his spot by the door, and the heat in his eyes was unmistakable. The bundle turned into a flutter and you swallowed, trying to calm yourself down. This was just going to be another shoot, nothing special.

Oh how wrong you were. Right off the bat, the director asked you both to go across the street, in the mansion they had booked for the day. This was your first time exploring and you had quietly marveled in the grandeur of it all. There was a high wall, taller than you were, but coming to right around Colson’s chin. The director lifted you up, and then you were posing on top of the wall, bare legs soaking in the sun as Colson played with your hand, standing right below you.

For the first few shots, you looked out in the distance, trying not to catch his eyes. It had gotten intimidating to make eye contact, especially now that you were in the headspace of Juliet. After a couple of takes, you got pulled aside, softly told to “Act like you’re in love, dammit,” and then popped back up on the wall.

Taking a breath, you steadied yourself as Colson put your palm in his, and made eye contact, softly smiling as he looked up at you. The pose felt like forever, eyes boring into each other, and then the director shouted, “Amazing! Ok next,” and you were being pulled down into the next area.

A few solo photos later, they put you back on the wall. Colson stood in between your bare legs, leaning into you. His arms braced on either side of your hips. The close proximity made you nervous, and you let out a soft laugh as his hair brushed against your cheek.

“Shhh,” he whispered, barely moving his mouth.

“You shhh,” you whispered back, leaning your shoulder against his.

Instead of responding, he simply reached his hand over, putting it slightly over yours. Tapping his thumb against the back of your hand, he slowly moved it into a stroke and you pulled your legs together instinctively, forgetting he was in between them.

You saw the smirk build in his face and you let out a breath, trying to not let him get to you.

“What’s wrong,” he murmured, still moving his thumb agonizingly slow on your hand. Nudging him with your thigh, you tried to shut him up as the camera flashed.

“Done. Okay, both of you. Take a break, go change. We need to get a few more shots in before the sun goes down,” the photographer shot out and you pushed Kells back a little, throwing him a grin before sauntering back to the studio.

Switching into the green lingerie suit, you looked at yourself in the mirror. This one was a smaller one-piece and you glanced at your booty, making sure it looked good for the pictures. Pulling the suit up a little, you admired the way the lace cupped your boobs, perfectly covering your nipples. Picking up a towel from nearby, you wrapped it around before crossing back over to the mansion.

Kells was standing there in the blue shirt from earlier, and you let out a laugh, seeing the perfect way it hung off of him. You reached up, adjusting his collar, smiling as you saw him gulp.

“I think you look better in this,” you murmured, fingers delicately running right over his neck.

Stepping back before he could respond, you took off your towel, putting it on the desk nearby. Turning back around, you saw his face, eyes eagerly running up and down your exposed body.

“I think you’d look better in nothing,” he mumbled, hand rubbing at his chin. You felt yourself get warmer at his comment, and you threw a wink at him, before walking over to the director who was setting up a beautiful red car.

“Game plan?” you asked, clapping your hands together.

Ten minutes later, you were balancing on Kells’ thigh as he sat on the car’s hood. One leg hitched over him, the other extended as you stood straight. You pressed your torso against his, arching into him, throwing your head back so you could bare your neck.

Placing both hands on his chest, you laughed as the director yelled at Colson, placing him into position. He wrapped a hand around your back and you felt yourself naturally lean into the touch. His other hand came to rest on your bare thigh, pressing in slightly, fingers barely there. He looked straight at you, and you feel your heartbeat pulse as the camera started clicking.

“Y/N! Wrap your arms around his neck. Yes, now look right over at the camera,” came the shouts from the director. Colson pulled you closer, bringing the arm around your waist closer. He turned to face the camera too and you watched the director falter for a second before rushing over to take the picture.

“Holy fuck! That was incredible,” she yelled from behind the screen, and you giggled, letting your head fall on his shoulder.

“Y/n, you’re free to go for tonight,” the executive director said, pointing around the rest of the crew to pick up different set pieces. You nodded, grabbing your duffel bag as you turned to face her real quick, “Uh, what about Kells?”

He was across the room, getting more eyeshadow dusted onto his cut, typing away on his phone. The director looked over at him, before looking at you, eager to get away with him.

Rolling her eyes, she went, “Listen, I need him for a few more shots tonight, but he’ll be done in half an hour if you wanna hang around. I know Gina’s been dying to catch up with you.”

Grinning, you dropped your bag on the seat. Pulling your hair up into a ponytail, you walked past Colson to the hair station. Gina had been the first friend you’d made modeling and she was incredible at her job, a creative visionary when it came to not only styling hair, but keeping it protected when crazy things were happening too.

Leaving the room, you heard Colson go, “Hey, wait where’s Y/N going?” and you smiled, knowing that you weren’t the only one feeling the heat building between the two of you. As you got out of earshot, you could still hear the director yelling, “Don’t get your panties in a twist!” and you almost walked smack into Gina herself, snickering at his panic.

Half an hour later, you were clinging onto Gina’s words as she told you the latest horror story of a terrible famous client. She had broke out a bottle of rosé, sipping on bubbles while you picked at the platter of fruits you had stolen from the front desk. There was a knock on the door, and you hopped off of the counter, pulling it open. Kells stood there, back in his regular clothes, Converse knocking against each other as he stumbled a little.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

You lifted your cup up, taking another sip, raising your eyebrows, urging him to continue by nodding slightly.

“So, I’m kinda stuck in the area for the next two days for this terrible photoshoot I’m doing with this horrible girl -” he started, and you interrupted him, choking on the rosé as it hit the back of your throat, laughing.

“Sorry, uh, you were talking about this awful girl?” you continued, getting most of it out of your system.

“Right, yeah. Would you wanna get dinner with me?” he finished, making that eye contact again, creating a warm fuzz in your tummy.

“Yeah, yes. Yeah,” you blurted out, rosé and nerves rumbling within you.

“You said that already,” he grinned as you went over to pick up your bag.

“Shut up,” you grinned back, trying to hide your smile.

“Bye Gins, I’ll catch you tomorrow,” you said, leaning in for a hug. Kissing your cheek, she whispered in your ear, “Get some please. I need to know, for science,” and you let out a belly-laugh before following Colson out the door as he waved goodbye.

It was all in the name of science right? No harm, no foul.

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