#as for the actual fic...people thinking immortals are weird is 100/10

[romance-rambles]

godheim clarence | because it's you

On a seemingly normal day, as he's braiding your hair in the morning, your husband asks you if he should cut his hair. You try to be brave about it.

1.6k, post-clarence epilogue, misunderstandings + fluff, reader is mc, series: none

"SHALL I CUT MY HAIR short too?"

You register your husband's words as a joke at first. Why would you not? It flows so seamlessly from your own, after all—about how he might actually thank you for freeing up his time in the mornings if you chop off your long hair.

You know full well Clarence will not.

It is not enough to prevent you from chasing after your favorite kind of high. The one where he huffs exasperatedly and tells you as much, as a lovely but faint scarlet hue spreads across his cheek. The one that leaves you with the singleminded desire to kiss him, which you waste no time in doing—because you can.

So, expecting to see a hint of mirth in his blue eyes, you roll your eyes and watch him through the vanity's mirror with an unfaltering grin.

There is none.

Instead, the mirror reflects only the almost clumsy seriousness you've come to expect in his endeavors to prove himself worthy of being your husband. It is both flattering and worrying.

And sometimes, it makes you wonder if you were too harsh on him in the early days of your time together in the void, when you demanded apology after apology from him. Then, you remember that he's the same man who catches fishes only to free them in the end—and that this is simply sort of endearing idiot he is.

It helps immensely.

"Would you like to?" you ask carefully, concealing your silent insults with a half-awkward smile.

You would not like him to.

But it is rare for Clarence to express an interest in his appearance outside of what you make of it. His most frequently worn coat is the one you once complimented him, under a brightly-lit street lamp as he wrapped his scarf around you instead. He always buys the same fragrance, and only when it runs out, with a polite explanation of My wife likes this one the most that drives most merchants mad.

The only response he's ever offered when shopping for clothes is: If you like it, I'm fine with wearing it.

Biting back a scowl, you add, "I think you'd look good with short hair."

Of course he would. Even putting aside his hairstyle when he was younger, your husband is handsome enough to pull anything off.

You are, of course, very biased—it's an accusation you've never tried to deny.

"I see." With a pleased hum, Clarence ties off your braid. "Then I'll pick out a date. Would you like to come along?"

He's careful to adjust the hair tie first, concealing any stubborn tufts hair poking through between the gaps before he reaches for your usual red ribbon. Then, with a practiced ease that comes only with years' worth of repetition, he loops it through the hair tie and twists into a proper bow.

Today, you cannot find it in yourself to admire his careful movements through the mirror.

"I'm never going to hear the end of it if I do that," you answer, shuddering a little at the thought. The people at this village are mostly kind, but a few of the louder ones tend to comment on Clarence's tendencies a bit too frequently for your liking. "You remember what happened last time, don't you?"

Your fingers traverse down the full length of your neatly-braided hair to pull it over your shoulder. Their grasp on the end of it lasts for only a second before your hand falls to the edge of your stool. Gulping, you swivel around and soon find yourself properly face to face with your husband.

He smiles faintly. "In a sense, they weren't wrong."

To properly hold onto his face, you have to scoot closer to the edge. Clarence bends down slightly, further easing the burden on your arms. Your eyes narrow fondly at him before you ruin the moment by smushing his cheeks.

"They were insulting you," you correct him, indignation fueling your flat tone. "I'd say they were very wrong."

His expression grows helpless and fond. Wrapping his hands around your own, he settles down onto the hardwood floor. In doing so, he ignores your chiding entirely; instead, he looks at you with a hint of reverence in his gaze.

"Perhaps," Clarence agrees softly. "I've heard worse."

Inhaling sharply, you press your foreheads together. When you next speak up, your tone is softer. "Do you have a cut in mind?"

"The same as it was when I was younger, I suppose," he says, sounding a bit uncertain.

You do your best approximation of a nod. You're not entirely certain what brought this on, but that won't stop you from being the most supportive wife to ever be supportive. As you squeeze his hands gently, you hope he can sense your resolve.

"Alright," you say, a bit forcefully, as you press a kiss to his forehead. "—now get off the floor. It's my turn to do your hair."

IT'S WHEN YOU'RE CAREFULLY UNTANGLING your braid at night that you remember the conversation from that morning.

"Did you decide on a date?" you ask curiously.

Clarence hums. "I didn't get the chance to quite yet."

He's watching you from his side of the bed, both hands occupied by a book he stopped reading the moment you walked in after your nighttime routine. When you shake your hair back to normal and settle under the blankets, he wordlessly turns the lamps off, with only a flick of his hand.

Accepting his answer, you snuggle up against his chest, fully intent on going to sleep—

Except you can't.

Curiosity nags at you, offering you the same question over and over again in the hopes that you'll break. And break you do as you call out your husband's name.

You can't quite make out what his expression is, but you know he isn't asleep. It's only been a few years—just a little over a decade, to be precise—since they've reunited. Adjusting to a life within the bounds of time, you know, takes some time, especially for someone like Clarence who had seemingly outgrown the need to sleep even before he entered the nothingness.

"Clarence," you whisper, "what made you want to cut your hair?"

For a moment, he remains silent. You can hear his beating heart, and that is enough to let you know that he's flustered.

"Clarence?"

"You said I looked very handsome," he says finally. "The other day."

Upon hearing those words, your mind offers you nothing noteworthy. To you, calling your husband handsome is no different making sure your heart's intact. You think you might actually die if you don't tell him, but you haven't tested it before.

Your heart, however, is filled to the brim with affection for this man, the one you've searched nearly your entire life for.

Even if you do want to throttle him a little bit.

"You'll have to be more specific, dear," you tell him, gently touching his cheek. He's warm, you think. You're tempted to turn the lights back on. "I'm sure I say that every day. And why would that make you want to cut your hair?"

Clearing his throat, he adds, "To be more specific, you didn't say it to me necessarily. You were—" Clarence pauses, a hint of uncertainty to his next words. "—talking about my younger self."

Oh.

The gears in your head start to turn. Now, you can faintly recall the memory of you waxing poetically about the man whose image remains in use on one of the most popular and frequently sold-out stamps even now, centuries later. Mostly, you remember smiling through a comment about how carefully you must've chosen your husband—as if she hadn't pressured into picking a man other than your husband to gush about.

You would've chosen the Archmage who seemingly had no relation to your husband regardless, but it would've been nice to know ahead of time.

Because you do have eyes, Eliza. That's how you know there isn't a man alive that's more attractive than Clarence.

Still, there hadn't been any deeper meaning when you chose his younger self specifically. There'd been a stamp nearby and you'd used it as a reference, in the hopes that it would help the other ladies downplay your incredible knowledge of his features.

You're almost certain they think you're deranged.

"Clarence." You giggle, suddenly amused. "Clarence. You look very handsome today."

Clumsily, you press a loving kiss to his forehead. Then, to the mole under his eye, to the tip of his nose, to his other cheek, until finally, you kiss him on the lips. At some point, while you're busy being productive, he goes from laying on his side to laying on his back.

"What brought this on?"

He sounds bewildered. You think it's cute.

After taking a moment to compose yourself, you begin to explain. Throughout, he's mostly silent, save for the occasional acknowledgement. Still, you don't have to worry about whether he's listening or not.

Until the very end, his hands—still wrapped around you—give him away.

"I like your long hair just as much, because—" You give him another peck on the lips. "—I love you. No matter what, you're always the best-looking man in the room."

Clarence wastes no time in answering you, though he very nearly chokes on his words. "And I...you."

"Good." Feeling satisfied, you rest your head against his chest. "Do you still want to cut your hair? ...Clarence?"

"I think," he says, clearing his throat. "It's fine the way it is."

You don't try to point out why.

[moondal514]

hi! do you have any fic recs for the aftg fandom? ideally AUs but where the characters aren’t ooc

Anon you have no idea what kind of blank check you’ve given me with this ask 😂. For the sake of my own sanity I have limited myself to only listing 10 fic recs but please know that there are literally 100s of fics I could rec within these parameters 😂.

the opposite of hunger by constelationprize/ @constelationprize

One would think that, being a necromancer, Kevin Day would be more excited at the prospect of immortality. And maybe he was, once, before he had actually sat foot inside Canaan House.

...

Based on prompt #1, or: "the locked tomb au where kevin and riko are necromancers and jean is their cavalier. they are invited to canaan house by the emperor to achieve lyctorhood, but kevin refuses to perform the lyctoral theorem on jean. riko, on the other hand, has no qualms about it. "

The Locked Tomb au. This fic is just insanely good and highlights how well Perfect Court dynamics work for the Third House and it just blows my mind honestly

if i die young by animediac, dayurno/ @jaywalkers, @dayurno

Kevin Day is sixteen with eyes too human, a gift no one should ever have, and blood Andrew thinks would spill out black over the snow outside. He is standing in the school hallway with a dead boy at his feet, and he is going to die by Andrew Minyard’s hands.

He must. He will.

Kevin Day, singer of bodies. Harbringer of death.

Teen Wolf au. A collaboration between 2 amazing writers in this fandom and responsible for converting me to Kandreil

vengeance and death by cthulu_sun

legend says you have wax-dipped wings and golden fingernails and knives made of the blood you have spilled. legend says you are not merciful.

-

in which renee is a tired guardian angel, finds the foxes, and falls in love.

Guardian angel au. This is one of my favorite Renison fics because it’s such a cool universe written in a beautiful and unique style and I just think it’s one of the most underrated fics in the fandom

Hush, Don't Say a Word by waterwings/ @amywaterwings

Excerpt from local newspaper, January 10, 2016

A Killer Is on the Loose at Palmetto State. Are You Safe?

For a detailed re-telling of the gruesome events that gripped the Palmetto State campus over the past eight months, please see the pages below. But I beg you, dear reader, tread lightly. You don’t know what’s waiting for you, out there in the dark.

~Katelyn Golightly, Student Journalist

Murder mystery au. One of my favorite fics of all time ever across any fandom because the writing is visceral and gut-wrenching, the kind that has you holding your breath and on the edge of your seat as you read it, and by the end of the fic it’s broken your brain in the best way possible

We Can Live Forever by mostly_maudlin/ @mostlymaudlin

PALMETTO HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETIC FUNDRAISER

WINTER SERENADES - $5 EACH

On sale Dec. 15-17 during lunch blocks. Support our teams, and let them show your friends how much you care through choreographed song and dance!

-

Participation in the fundraiser is mandatory for all student-athletes. Maybe none of this would have happened if they weren't pushed out of their comfort zones. (But honestly, maybe it was always going to end this way.)

A story about the joys of competition, the people in your corner, and, of course, the misfortune of being a teenager in love with your best friend.

High school au. My favorite high school au in the fandom because it just makes me so so so happy and I always read it when I need a pick me up

The Real Folk Blues by moonix/ @annawrites

Captain David Wymack and the bounty hunter crew of the Bebop spaceship might be a little out of their depths chasing down the infamous hacker and notorious runaway Neil Wesninski, whose bounty exceeds even Kevin's wildest dreams. Worst of all, Andrew might actually enjoy it.

Cowboy Bebop au. Super fun au featuring the Foxes as space cowboys and copious amounts of weird Andreil flirting

Under A Sea of Mist by puddlejumper99/ @writingpuddle

For a thousand years the Lord Ruler has reigned over the Final Empire. Ash falls from the sky and strange mists shroud the night. The skaa labour in the fields and the nobility dance in their Keeps, their glittering lights blinding them to the cruelty in their hearts.

The skaa rebellion is a fantasy and Neil knows it. The Lord Ruler is immortal; there's no overthrowing him. It's as much a surprise to him as anyone else when he gets recruited. But as he gets drawn deeper into the plot, he starts to discover things that will change their understanding of magic forever.

There's always another secret.

Mistborn au. A fic whose existence still feels incredibly self-indulgent to me because it’s a mashup of 2 series I really love and an au plucked from my wildest dreams

The Sphynx and the Hare by darkbluebox/ @darkblueboxs

Neil knows he should burn Wymack's contract and run until his legs can no longer carry him. His daemon, the mouthpiece to his soul, says otherwise. He's ignored her for far too long; it's time to follow his heart, be it to dream or damnation.

Daemon au. Theeee daemon au of all time, I’ve yet to see any other daemon au in this fandom where I agreed with the choices of animals for daemons this hard

the bittersweet between my teeth by alaynes/ @nicolos

In which Neil Josten is a Time Jumper, and everywhere he goes he keeps seeing one man.

-

Neil's throat dried; the sound of keys rang in his ears, but so did his voice.

Andrew Minyard stared back at him, expression inscrutable.

Time travel/reincarnation au. Time travel au’s are always tragic on some level but this one really takes it to the next level with the way it explores Andreil existing outside of time the way they do; my go-to fic when I need to experience an Emotion™️

The Last Warm Hand To Hold You by sambutwithbooks

When Kevin Day warns him that the Moriyamas will send a monster to collect their star investment, Andrew expects something beastly.

-

Five Times Andrew Asks Neil To Bite Him and One Time He Finally Does

Vampire au. This is to me the vampire fic of all time; idk something about it is ridiculously romantic in a way I can’t help but love

-

Hope you enjoy these anon!

[shrekgogurt]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thank you for the tags! @artsyunderstudy @roomwithanopenfire @youarenevertooold @emeryhall @monbons @larkral I'm eating up reading your answers because we're all so DIFFERENT.

How many works do you have on AO3? 9 (technically 10 but we orphaned one of them out of shame)

What’s your total AO3 word count? 99,978 (mine) + 7,531 (shared) + 9,991 (someone else's) = 117, 500 (total)

What fandoms do you write for? presently, Carry On but back during my high school ff.net days I did some Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus (Percabeth and some separate OCs), Alex Rider (OCs), The 100 (as an elaborate prank), Harry Potter (literally just a My Immortal parody), and Divergent (OCs) and if they weren't oneshots they were never finished.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? YES! I'm currently behind on my replies, but it's so fun! It's like a book club but for stuff I created!!???? Shit rocks. I fully didn't expect anyone to read IKABIKAM (my first fic on ao3) when I first published it and so every comment still feels like a miracle.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! I love collaborating because it gives me something to bounce off of. A scene partner. A ticking timer. It's like lifting a heavy object by yourself versus getting someone else to bear some of the weight with you. It's easier. I also find myself constantly seeking collaboration with other people even with my solo fics. I'm all up in those DMs pestering people both as motivation and as external processing. And by GOD, do you fuckers have some good ideas. Y'all make me exponentially better.

What’s your all-time favorite ship? SnowBaz but also in a very real sense...Percabeth. (You never forget your first.)

What are your writing strengths? I got my start with rping, so dialogue is really comfortable for me. I also think my training in other art forms (dance, music, theatre, film, academia) positively influence my approach. When writing action, I often mentally frame it as 'blocking' the scene or 'choreographing' the movement. When crafting sentences, I'm constantly evaluating the rhythm and rhyme and repetition (not to mention alliteration) as if it's a song, always searching for the perfect word or metaphor. I also listen to actual songs and pull the emotion from them, using them as character studies or a musical soliloquy. I imagine shots and then write what I see from the perspective of a director explaining the actor’s motivating thoughts. I constantly revisit my thesis, grounding the narrative in callbacks and a cohesive structure like it's an academic paper. And all those things combined create this kinetic cause and effect style I'm really proud of and tangibly improves every time I write something new.

What are your writing weaknesses? I do not have a firm grasp on proper grammar. I'm also really slow and inconsistent with my output because my process is so physically disorganized and meticulous which often frustrates me. I'm also impatient. I don't do wholesale messy drafts; I edit as I go and when I'm done I want it published immediately. I also fall victim to the white room syndrome with physical descriptions. Establishing shots? Don't know them. What a guy looks like? What they're wearing? Sorry, I haven't told you because it felt weird to jam in there. Outside of fanfiction, I also struggle with creating something from nothing. I'm a theologian rather than a god. I much prefer playing in a sandbox and exegeting meaning from someone else's grunt work rather than conjuring the wood and the sand myself. My writing is also incredibly referential to pop culture which I'm not sure would translate outside of fanfic, but I guess I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it.

First fandom you wrote for? Divergent (big cringe)

Now tagging! @onepintobean @cutestkilla @theearlgreymage @thewholelemon @mooncello @brilla-brilla-estrellita @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @bookish-bogwitch @facewithoutheart @fatalfangirl @urban-sith @prettygoododds @valeffelees @ileadacharmedlife TELL ME HOW YOU WRITE YOU GENIUSES

[undyingsunshine]

Thanks @cross-d-a and @jockvillagersonly for the tag!!! 💙💙

Name: undyingsunshine

I've been on the internet for a whole 10-12 years, and I've had quite a few name changes xD The most recent change was 2017, and it wasn't until I made this tumblr and my new AO3 a few months ago that I realised how difficult it is to choose a user/name that I connected with. I wanted to keep my DMBJ fandom posting and the rest of my online shenanigans relatively separate, which is why I didn't just use my default name ^^ As for what this username means/comes from... It was actually kind of a reference to the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was going to go with "EternalSunshine" but I felt like undying sounded better, and also felt more like its own thing. ^^ Undying could also be seen as a reference to ZQL's immortality xD Sunshine is such a lovely word and I most often use it in reference to my two NCT biases, as well as most other things that make me happy. It's so warm and bright and basically everything I wish to be! ((oh and also... may or may not remind me of Funshine Bear from Care Bears))

Fandom

I've been in too many to count! Right now, we're in DMBJ hell and I'm loving it so far!!! Everyone's just...so sweet? and kind? and funny???? Honestly I was really worried about interacting with people at first, but now I feel a bit more comfortable in doing so!

Tropes

I'm not actually sure what tropes I like xD I mostly just read something if I like the premise or if it's from a writer I like! That being said, I tend to be drawn to (soft) whump/hurt/comfort or sickfics cause they're just too cute ;^; And they can really bring out a lot of character moments, or demonstrate good relationships between characters. If your story has whump/hurt/comfort and a fandom I like, chances are that I'll try it out! This is also the kind of fic that I write the most. If you want 10 relatively similar sickfics written, I'm the girl to ask XD

Fic I spent most time on

Technically I have a fic for another fandom that I worked on for around two years that I never actually finished ^^;  I dropped it in the middle of a total rewrite, and I hope some day I can go back to it and finish it for the sake of the readers xD

For DMBJ, the fic I've spent most time on is probably 'I'm Here' since I've been working on it for... months xD I am an extremely slow writer and I'm trying not to be sorry about it bcs everyone had their own pace, and it just so happens that mine is equivalent to a sloth xD

Favourite fic(s) you've written

Probably the same fic I talked about in the previous answer! It has a special place in my heart. I also don't mind I'm Here too much! There some personal wips that I quite like too, but I'm not sure if I'm up for sharing them yet xD

Fic I spent least time on

Probably the "Li Cu fucking Dies" fic, otherwise titled "Come with me, I promise the water is fine."  It's pretty much just a slight rehash of a post I made that I then turned into a fic. There wasn't a whole lot of time spent on it, mostly for the sake of my own poor heart xD

Longest fic

Definitely the fic I spent most time on. It was around 39K words, which isn't a lot but, again, I am a slow writer xD

Shortest fic

Definitely "Come with me..." which is around 370 words! Unless I was to dredge up a REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD pokemon fanfic I wrote when I was 11. I doubt that any of the chapters got past the 100 word mark xD

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks: 

The unnamed long fic returns! Definitely my most popular fic by far.

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: 

Definitely would rewrite the unnamed fic and I think I might add onto I'm Here's universe? Or maybe the AU where Li Cu is dead.

Share a bit of a WIP:

Ok this comes from a dumb fic idea that I had where Li Cu and his snake spirit argue constantly, but Li Cu often argues his points out loud, and people catch him talking to himself too many times xD Of course, after this snippet it turns a little angsty (because Wu Xie and Li Cu's angst towards each other is Eternal around here) but I cut it out since I don't post enough fluffy-ish content xD

You need sleep.

"Not at 7 in the evening!" Li Cu protested in frustration. "I have work to do-"

"Are you arguing with yourself?"

Uh oh.

Li Cu is frozen on the spot for a moment, blinking stupefied at the wall. A new wave of emotions eclipses his anger, and instead he's drowned out with embarrassment, anxiety and slight panic.

He turns around slowly to see Wu Xie standing behind the couch, watching him with undisguised amusement, those clever eyes already beginning to deconstruct Li Cu in the same way Li Cu used to deconstruct pens as a kid.

Or. Maybe not as clumsily. Wu Xie's innate ability to read others was more like how a clocksmith seamlessly pieces together all the intricacies of, well.... a clock...

Where the fuck was he even taking this?

The point is, Wu Xie is a crafty bastard who knows his way around people - especially ones like Li Cu who basically wear their heart on their sleeve. Or if you want to be more accurate, right on his fucking forehead like that weird headband game.

Li Cu swallows his panic with the intensity of a man starved.

"Uh... I uh... No...?" Smooth. "Not... Not really...?"

Wu Xie raises an eyebrow and levels Li Cu with a disbelieving grin.

"Oh really? Who are you talking to, then?"

"I mean... You right now, if we're being--"

"Alright smartass, who were you talking to before I came in? The wall? A ghost?"

Well, he's technically not wrong there...

"I... Ah...."

You are quite inept at this.

"Shut it!"

And there we go!!! Sorry if this ate up ppl's dashes ;;; I'm tagging @tbx12 @traineecryptid and @strandedchesspiece ((don't feel pressured to do it!! ♡♡ It's fine if you can't/don't want to ^^)) and anyone else who sees this and wants to give it a go!!

[jinsai-ish]

Welp, I guess I'm gonna start posting all the things. It's all old, from when I actually had, you know, free time. I also have no idea how tumblr works in terms of stuff like cuts so if people want to read the nice formatted stuff it's all up at jinsai.livejournal.com.

Any complaints can be forwarded to the otter.

First up, Pet Shop of Horrors drabbles:

Title: Imprisoning the Elements

Rating: G

Word Count: 100

Pairings/charecters: DxLeon

Notes: Response to challenge #6 (elements).

You can pick up earth, hold it in your hands. You can shape it, toss it into a box. But the wind will flow through your fingers, laughing at you. Water flows, but it will hold shape in a container. It can be imprisoned, remaining water. But fire…

Only one of two things can happen to fire enclosed in a box. It will die out, smothered for lack of nourishment. Or it will burn down the sides of the box, flickering merrily at your futile attempts to catch it. 

There are days when D can’t stand to look at Leon.

Title: Of Lizards and Rats, Mirrors and Hooks

Rating: PG

Word count: 100

Pairings/characters involved: Robin Hendrix, Medusa, Despair

Notes: Cross-over with the Sandman, response to challenge 7, bystander pov.

She looks at her mirrors, the rats scrabbling around her feet. Ah, there. Platinum blonde hair, blue eyes. Rich, handsome, talented, and utterly apathetic save for his reptiles. Drowning in the shadow of the prince, Robin Hendrix is one of her favorites. 

A new development, that lovely young lizard. She sees Robin creeping out of the frame of the mirror, step by dreamy step. Digging her hook into her cheek, she nearly smiles. The rats scamper in fear. 

Nice try little god.

Despair is patient.

When Robin looks into Medusa’s eyes, he almost misses the hook behind the prince. Almost.

Title: The Price

Rating: G

Word count: 100

Pairings or characters involved: the Chief, implied Leon/D

Notes: response to 8 "Beneath the Mask." I wanted to focus on the chief, wondering what his job costs him. Rather understated I think, but please let me now whatyou think.

Wrenching open his door, the chief gestured for the ranting detective to take his leave.

“Out! Leon, it’s Valentine’s Day. All the criminals are off romancing their mistresses. Why don’t you take off a bit early? I’m sure you can think of somewhere to go.”

Leon blustered a bit, a faint red tingeing his cheeks. But he grabbed his coat as he did so, brushing past a winking Jill. The chief humphed.

“Finally, some peace and quiet!” 

Left alone in his office, the chief twisted the gold ring on his left hand and stared at a phone that wouldn’t ring.

Title: Einstein's Truth

Rating: G/PG

Word count: 100 (not including quote)

Pairings or characters involved: D/Leon

Notes: This one was a pain to cut down to 100 words but it's done. Response to challenge 10 on the theme of time. Inspired by raison d'etat's wonderful fic "Unwilling Sleep" and the following passage from "Properties of the Light" by Rebecca Goldstein.

The passage of time is nothing real. It is a chimera spun out of gauzy consciousness, and nothing more, a frightful apparition tossed up by our mixed-up minds. We know this from Einstein's physics, which shows us a time as stilled as spread space. Time is static, the flow unreal: it is Einstein's truth, and it is the truth, falling straight away from the conditions of perfect symmetry imposed on the geometry. The ebb, which seems so terrible and real, which seems to carry off one's every treasure, leaving one like a chest spilled open on the waves: unreal, unreal.

“Einstein’s Truth”

At forty-five, calluses have long since formed on once-smooth palms. This is the choice he made. 

The aroma of hothouse flowers manages to cover the hospital smell, signs of the respect the officers at the precinct held for their chief of ten years. Leon’s resting now, the bullet that had tore through his chest no longer paining him. Eyes shut, D rests his head above a stilling heart. Somewhere he knows that he is pouring tea for a loud-mouthed, loving detective. As Leon drifts away, into past and future, D knows that this time, it is his turn to search.

"The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. (Albert Einstein, shortly before his death)

Title: Sakura

Rating: G

Word count: 100 

Pairings/characters: D/Leon (implied)

Notes: Reply to challenge 12 (seasons). Post-series, with D in Tokyo ala Nemuki special. Inspired by the latest "Flowers and the Detective" from volume 6.

It is summer in Tokyo and past-time for some rigorous spring-cleaning. D assigns tools and tasks, arming himself with a duster.

The denizens of the pet shop are winning against dust and dirt when D stumbles upon a box stashed in the corner of his room. Within lay the gifts his grandfather sent from his own visit to Japan: the rake, the fan – and the kimono. D reaches for it, his hand unsteady. Suddenly chilled, he wraps himself in the kimono, trying not to remember widened blue eyes and blossoms falling to the ground in rushes of color and scent.

Title: Just Another Part of the Job

Rating: PG 

Word count: 100

Pairings/characters: The Chief (anyone know his name?), Leon 

Notes: response to challenge 13, waiting. Just a bit of fun at Leon's expense.

Fingers the color of rich chocolate milk tapped impatiently on the desk. The hollow thuds landed in counter rhythm to the ticking of the clock. The chief scowled at a stack of files, then back at the time piece. Ten more minutes. If those reports weren’t in his hands by then he swore he’d – The phone rang, interrupting his mental threat.

Nine minutes and twenty-one seconds later a panting Leon burst in the door, shoving a large folder at the chief.

Orcot was a damn good detective, but he was the absolute worst when it came to completing his paperwork!

Title: Statistics

Rating: PG

Word count: 140 (sorry!)

Pairings/characters: the Chief, Leon (implied D/Leon)

Notes: Response (albeit too long) to challenge 14, numbers. Takes place right after the first "Flowers and the Detective" story. 

Yesterday they had posted the annual report for the 14th precinct: 1,038 cases of robbery, 69 rapes, 700 vehicle thefts, 1,065 aggravated assaults, and 19 homicides. That wasn’t counting the officer who had lost his life in the line of duty.

“Dammit Leon…”

“Chief?” Awakening for the second time, Leon’s bleary vision picked out the chief’s face, focusing on his eyes, red and dry as the Martian surface. As red as the petals from -

“Gattolotto...” Leon winced in pain. “Where’s D?”

“I made him go home; he was here all night.

“We caught the dealers. You’ll probably get a promotion out of this. But don’t think this means you’re not an idiot for getting shot.” 

But the chief smiled. Last night they hadn’t known if Leon was going to make it. And he had already attended one funeral too many.

Long I know. But I did research! lapdonline.org and http://www.losangelesalmanac.com/topics/Crime/cr03ea.htm

I'm assuming the 14th to be under Central of Central Bureau as they service Chinatown, among other areas. And anyone else notice that before getting shot Leon is "Officer" and "Detective" after? Maybe just a translation error but it worked. *shrug*

Title: Selling Vinyl Siding

Rating: PG

Word count: 100

Pairings/characters: Leon, Sofu (implied D/Leon)

Notes: Response to challenge 16, family. 

“Selling Vinyl Siding”

Since meeting D, Leon had suffered a lot of weird-ass dreams. Man-eating rabbits, and all that crap. But that last one had really taken the cake.

“If you leave my grandson alone, I’ll give you anything you want.” 

Leon had recognized the man, nearly a mirror-image of D, save his eyes matched and lacked the glimmer that always hovered in his D’s. 

He had said this out-loud and D’s creepy grandfather glared.

“What is it you want? Riches, power, immortality? Never see him again and I’ll give you an immortal life!”

Leon had never laughed so hard in his life.

Title: Father's Day

Rating: G 

Word count: 100 

Pairings/characters: D/Leon

Notes: Response 2 to challenge 16, family.

“Father’s Day”

Leon only spoke of his father once and he held very still while he did so. His lips moved, but the shadowy blue eyes blinked slowly, the rise and fall of his chest barely discernable. D gently pried the tea cup from his fingers and refilled it, his hand lingering over the Detective’s as he returned it.

D never spoke of his father. But sometime at night, when the darkness seeped from the corners of his room to surround, he’d tremble slightly. That’s when Leon would hold him, clutching D tightly and mumbling soothing words that had no real meaning.

Title: Odile's Spring

Rating: G

Word count: 100 

Pairings/characters: Jeanne La Croix (from vol. 5, Dance)

Notes: Response to challenge 17, cold. I would have to say that of all Count D's one-shot customers, Jeanne and her story "Dance" are my favorite. :)

"Odile's Spring"

March in St. Petersburg is cold in a way that L.A. could never understand. Jeanne clutches the freshly-made bread close to her chest, the warmth soaking through her gloves to chilled fingers. Her parka is thick enough but still she envies the thick fur of the husky that runs past, chased after by laughing children. Jeanne smiles, loving the sound of the language, the thick accent that warms her ears. Her leg muscles loosen and her feet begin sweeping gracefully over the frozen ground. In Russia, Jeanne La Croix dances amid a flurry of snow, falling softer than swan’s down.

Title: "A Token of my Esteem"

Rating: PG

Word count: 100 

Pairings/characters: Leon/OC, implied D/Leon

Notes: With D gone, someone had to try and pick up the pieces. Post-series. (#31, token) 

It was raining the night she met Leon. Drunk as he was, he held the umbrella steady as they walked to her apartment. Sometimes, when she was too caught up in a client’s portfolio, he’d bring coffee and donuts. They were the only sweets he could stomach. He never talked after sex. They never made love. When she told him the company offered her a prestigious job in Tokyo, he shrugged. She left him the apartment.

She recognized him the second she entered the pet store. She strode out, fighting back tears, a red palm print marring D’s perfect complexion.

Title: "And a Pocketful of Raindrops"

Rating: G 

Word count: 100 

Pairings/characters: D, Leon, Chris (implied D/Leon)

Notes: Reply to challenge 33, dance. 

“And a Pocketful of Raindrops”

Walking out of the restaurant, Count D, Leon, and Chris strode directly into the downpour. Puddles dotted the sidewalks and a heavy, slow rain was falling. Chris seized the moment to puddle-jump, soaking the Count and his brother in the process. 

“Christopher!” D glared at him, brandishing an armful of wet silk.

“Aw Count, live a little!” Leon joined Chris, swinging him around in an odd little jig.

“Detective! If you must dance, at least show him how to do it properly.” 

Brushing droplets out of his hair, Chris gaped at a bewildered Leon, roped into waltzing in the rain.

Title: Trick or Treat?

Rating: R

Word count: 165 

Pairings/characters: T-chan/surprise

Notes: #35 -Trick-or-treat. A new pairing for me. Let's see how it goes.

"Trick or Treat?"

Tetsu thrust hard into the pliant body beneath him. Finally the Count had seen the light. Sure, it was a bit sudden and completely out of the blue, but the toutetsu wasn’t about to protest. Not with the writhing body beneath him, the long nails digging into his back. He growled at the scent of his own blood, moving faster and deeper. As the Count arched up his back Tetsu leaned down and licked the sweat droplets off of one blushed nipple. The Count tasted of fresh peaches and cinnamon spice. At climax two cries echoed in the room – a loud howl and a shrill scream.

The toutetsu allowed his lower body to rest against that of his lover. Slowing his breath, he meet the Count’s mismatched eyes, only to stare in shock as black hair grew and shaded into red. A pair of sly golden eyes glittered up at him – a fox’s eyes.

Ten-chan leaned up and nipped the frozen man-eater’s nose. “Trick-or-treat T-chan.”

Title: Kindred

Rating: PG

Word count: 100

Pairings/characters: the Chief, Leon, Jill, other

Notes: Challenge #36, instinct

“Kindred”

Leon depends on his instincts while Jill prefers research. He’s hotheaded, she’s too trusting. Ted’s a joker, Marianne’s a cynic, Phil’s always late. But they’re all good cops. All the men and women who serve under him are. The chief won’t tolerate a dirty cop, or a lousy one. If that keeps him from the coveted promotion to commissioner, so be it. 

As long as officers like Orcot and the others are on the force, he knows he’s not the only one kept up late at night by the dead’s silence, names slipping from his lips in a broken mantra.

To be continued...

[hoe-imaginess]

replies

Lots of replies oh my. I have a “nice messages” section, “tumblr ban” section, and “other” section

Also two or three peeps told me they can’t find my ko-fi link so here it is as a reminder! It’s usually on my actual blog page on the side links idk if it’s visible or not on mobile

@laito-karnevaloflust-sakamaki lmao it’s ok! And yeah I get some people like that sometimes commenting on my stuff but it’s manageable!

Thank youuu <3

@daemmerlicht-prinzessin thank you!

You are more than welcome tysm <3

thank you all so muchhhhhh for the nice messages you’re so kind and sweet <3 I love you guys

@corrupted---minds cute doggo 11/10, and the last few days have been a little better yes! Thanks for asking

@thefangirlhasarrive thank you love!

@evagenesis CUTE but ngl the tiny tud threw me for a loop

Yeah I’m honestly not sure what’s going on!!! The symptoms have gone away in the last few days, but I’m still not feeling 100%. Probably sleep deprivation for sure

I’m really hoping imagines blogs will be okay!! I’ve conteacted tumblr to ask if works tagged as nsf*w will be violating any rules, but they didn’t give me a clear answer soooooo I’m not sure. Does anyone happen to know?

@jimin-gyu yeah I’m starting to tag stuff as smut instead!

@kazekage-libra Thank you so muchhhhh! I’m hoping we’ll be fine tho, there has to be some sort of hoe content on this website in some shape or form and we must deliver

AHHHHH thanks. I imagine Ace eating out his girl on a regular basis... it’s a little weird... but how can you not?? HE’S SO GOOD AT IT

@any59​ if I didn’t walk out with a vibrator tho I’d be pissed

 I do not know what Barbie Dreams is and honestly by this description I’m a little scared to find out

HmmmmmmmmmMMMmmmm, I honestly get a little tired of writing NSFW, mostly because I run out of ideas sometimes. But there’s nothing I really HATE to write? Unless it’s something I’ve written a million times before 

Hmmmmmm I like black and olive green!

John Wick only because the sheer immortal energy 

I would have loved this but Kishimoto will never give us the honor

Unfortunately I don’t ): I know a lot of artists! But I’m not sure who does commissions and who doesn’t 

I think this was in reference to one of the chapters on my fic in WHICH CASE yes I agree. Even if it wasn’t in reference to that, I still agree

This is the best way to describe him 

@alaricathecat Yayyyy! I’m excited to hear that! I hope I do poly relationships SOME justice 

I do!

I think emotionally compromised, yes. But unstable? Not so much. The unstable part came after Konoha, I personally believe

I saw one a few months ago it was so fast but so beautiful kjahksjdhf

HMMMMMMM this seems out of line in many ways but it makes sense

fucking superb thank u <3

I wasn’t planning on giving it out mostly bc it’s a pretty private twitter and I post some wild shit on there but oh well! it’s jordaanalexiss 

He’s gonna forget and his ankles are gonna get chopped tbh

[sultrysirens]

Please just go off and rant about your OCs! I just love them all so much (even the ones that haven’t been introduced yet) and want to hear more about them!

I hope you’re prepared for what you’ve just unleashed~!!

JOCELYN was the start of this avalanche. When I first conjured her up, I had just a few points in mind: I wanted her to be colored (though I hadn’t decided yet what her ethnicity would actually be), I wanted her to be a ballerina, and I wanted her to not be drop-dead fucking gorgeous.

One of these things did not hold up. X’D

My original intent was to just make a short story -- 10 chapters or so -- in which she gets with Raphael and they bang. That was the literal long and short of it, which you can kind of see considering how rushed the first few chapters were.

I didn’t mean for them to get so into each other and fall in love. They did that entirely on their own. And, to be honest, it’s been an amazing experience; I’ve learned a great deal and feel like my creativity has gone through the roof.

Considering I’ve always been crazily creative anyway, that’s saying something.

Initially I picked Raph for this story because I thought (in my ignorance) that he would have the least amount of love and sex-related stories. Oh, how foolish I was, lol. But I was also thinking he would be the easiest to write just falling into bed with someone, and while that is something I commonly see, in my story he very much did not do that.

It was really weird. X’D

While I was writing The Dancer, I was also writing a then-untitled sister fic/epilogue (which I later titled The Dragon). It was quite a few years down the line, so I went ahead and conjured up some future scenes and events. Among them: Lisa.

This fic started in Mikey’s POV for a few reasons, one of them being that I really wanted to write something from his perspective. Lisa was introduced to my story this way, and I quickly took a liking to her and started development on her character. One of the things I did first was write pieces of the first chapter of The DJ, just to get the start’s setting down.

Then all I had to do was get The Dancer to a point where I could connect the two. At the time I was only around chapter 20, so...yeah, it took a while. XD

With Jocelyn, one of the key decisions I made was to make her very unlike Raphael -- she’s flirty, often relaxed, has an incredible love for ballet, has almost no family (just a mother; no dad, no siblings), and has such a crazy obsession over shoes that she literally picks out what shoes she wants to wear before picking her clothing for the day.

With Lisa, I went in the opposite direction: be just like Mikey. She has low intelligence and knows it, yet is brilliant in an unconventional way; her sense of humor is one of her biggest traits and she laughs to defuse situations and deal with problems; her genre is 100% hip hop in nearly all ways; and I made her athletic pretty much entirely so she’d be able to keep up with the master of movement, Mikey. (Say that five times, fast.)

It wasn’t until after I really got into writing Lisa that I noticed something interesting about my two fics: the couples both view each other in the same light.

Jocelyn and Raphael think one another is sexy and bad-ass.

Lisa and Mikey think one another is cool and cute.

This is, of course, not the rule -- Raph has thought Jo is super cute before, and Mikey finds Lisa sexy as hell, too -- but it is their primary mindsets. And it makes me wonder if my remaining two couples will have the same kind of viewpoints. I can’t say for sure yet because I haven’t gotten to the part in either story where they’re actually dating, but it’s fun to consider.

Then again, maybe for Leo and Donnie’s relationships they’ll have opposite viewpoints as their lovers do. It would definitely be an interesting twist.

Progress with The Dragon is going very slowly, which is understandable given I still have a lot of world-building in The DJ to do first, but I do very much love the story. In fact, so far if I were to rank my fics based on my own favorites, it would go Dancer > Dragon > DJ (I have literally nothing written on the final fic yet cause I still haven’t even finished designing the final girl, lol).

As much as I love Lisa (and I freaking do holy shit), I just don’t quite love her the best. This is actually kind of weird considering just how close to being a self-insert she is -- an unintentional self-insert, yes, but the parallels are definitely there.

For example, Lisa is a white girl of mixed white heritage (like me) with a particular pair of beauty marks on her face (same as me, just in different places), she has brunette hair (like me) and blue eyes (mine are actually green, but my parents’ and brother’s eyes are blue and I’ve always been jealous of that), she’s a huge gamer (just like me; she’s just better at competitive games), she dislikes swearing (I swear a lot now, but at her age I was much more sensitive about it), she has an older brother (I technically have two, but one’s very distant and the other was always close), she has a distaste for meat (I’m not vegetarian but as a whole I dislike meat) and some serious compassion for life (same), she loves piercings (I’d have more but I’m seriously forgetful), and she has incredible ears for music (can name almost any song within seconds -- just like me).

Oh yeah, and she’s a Mikey girl. ♥

And more pointedly, I named her mother after my sister (deceased) and her grandparents after my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother.

I named Jocelyn based on the character of the same name from A Knight’s Tale (it just occurred to me that they have the same tits lmfao); after seeing the movie I kind of became enraptured with this character and her smart tongue and haughty attitude and incredible elegance -- not to mention I freaking loved her name.

Lisa, by comparison, I named based on one thing: the Mona Lisa. Yeah, that’s right, y’all -- I named her after a famous painting by an Italian Renaissance painter. Hurr hurr. XP But though I never mentioned this, Lisa’s mother, Brandy, cites that she named her ‘Lisa’ based on The Simpsons, as Lisa was Brandy’s favorite character.

This cute, incredibly good-hearted and brilliant young girl? Yeah, Brandy loves that character and was hoping Lisa would take after her.

Hmmm, what else...

Well, I had a completely different story set up for Cecilia at first. I’m honestly really glad things didn’t go the way I’d planned, and here’s why: Cecilia was supposed to catch a glimpse of Jo and Raph having sex one day (before meeting him) and go kind of nutso.

You see, at first she claimed diabetes but was not diabetic -- she was doing cocaine, and saying she had diabetes was her explanation for when Jo would catch her shooting up. And with the cocaine in her system, Cecilia’s mind went right to demons and witchcraft.

Terrified for her daughter’s immortal soul, the original plan was for Cecilia to attempt to burn them both to death. To everyone’s surprise, however, Jocelyn didn’t burn -- only Cecilia.

This was the original way Jo discovered she’d been taking on Raph’s mutagen. It’d made her fireproof.

As you can see, I’m super glad I didn’t stick to that, lol.

As for Lisa, me making her a cutter was a spur-of-the-moment decision during that scene where she examines her reflection in her undies. The boob thing, though? That was planned from day one -- because I wanted her to very much be Jo’s opposite, and this included general color palette, skills, likes, personality, and body type.

Jo: tall and willowy, grace incarnate, dark skin and blonde hair, super thick lips, generally thin but with a killer ass, rounded face, freckled, minimal piercings, crazy flirty and confident to no end.

Lisa: barely taller than average, kind of stocky and curvy, shapely lips, wide hips and heavy tits, shapely lips and face, zero freckles, tons of piercings, jittery and mousy but also immature and raucous.

By comparison, so far Mei and Pinky are just people. (Note: Mei’s faceclaim so far is Lucy Lui, but Pinky doesn’t have one just yet.) Mei’s also skinny, but that’s cause she’s 100% Chinese and as far as I can tell that’s just how they are. I’ve done a lot of googling and pretty much all young people I’ve found that way are, in a word, skinny. X’D

I’m leaning towards Pinky being the shortest of the girls, maybe in the 5′1″-5′3″ range, but I’m worried about making her too short. The concept is still very much up in the air, lol. This is also the character I once said I was considering being half Puerto Rican, and while I still like that I’m not sure it’ll stick. It might be more fun to make her like Indian or something.

We’ll see. (I’m very much open to suggestion about her, btw, if anyone has any thoughts...and I know it’s not much to go on yet but there’s a reason for that.)

And then there’s Cassie. My redheaded best friend of my best girl, Jo. I really don’t have much to say about her; I introduced her almost entirely to expand the world a bit and give Jocelyn more ties -- a girl like her would damn well have ties, y’know.

I don’t know what it is, but I have a really hard time writing her. She feels very bland, and while that was kind of the intent, it makes it really hard to get a feel for her. Only a few things remain strong when it comes to her: she’s kinda weirded out by the turtles, she supports Jocelyn completely, and she’s just as much of a ballet-enthusiast.

These girls have been friends for almost their literal entire lives. And I think part of the reason why I wrote them like this was out of jealousy -- I’ve never had that kind of a friendship. The oldest friend I can recall was Jenny, when I was five, and she was a BITCH.

I only have two memories of her anymore: 1, she used to invent games for us to play then change the rules on a dime so she’d always be the winner, and 2, I once tried to leave her home and she slammed the door on my fingers.

I sincerely hope she grew out of that, man.

Suffice to say we were not friends for very long. And since then I’ve seen a constant pattern: I can’t keep friends for longer than a few years, and not because I don’t want to.

Because something always happens. They move, I move, someone’s interests shift, we lose contact, a misunderstanding occurs, etc.

I wanted Jocelyn to have something better than a constantly-shifting sea of semi-friends. I wanted her to have best friends, and then THE best friend -- the one who will remain her best friend for the entirety of her life. The one who was there through all the biggest troubles and best celebrations, the one who will be there for all of the troubles and celebrations to come, and the one who knows her better than anyone else ever has (at least until a certain mutant comes into her life).

Lisa, on the other hand, is...me.

Her friendships flagged, drifted, dissolved, changed, and so on. The only constants in her life have been her family. And even then a good portion of her family has never been there, a fact that hurts her whenever she pauses to think about it.

She hurts, she yearns, and there are times she feels completely alone, even in a full room. She’s constantly scared no one understands her or cares about her, and she gets through this by laughing -- at others, at herself, at that one missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that makes it kind of look like a penis, and so on.

Lisa has always had the support of her family while needing true understanding and affection. Jo has always had affection and the understanding of her closest friend while needing support.

It’s amazing to think about. And while there’s a lot here that I never put into my fics, these are threads and pieces of my characters that have either always been there in the background or have developed as I wrote them. Maybe I never said Lisa was terrified of being alone, but it was in my mind every time I wrote her.

And I just want to take this moment to thank Anon for giving me this opportunity; I’ve always wanted to rant about my girls but never thought anyone would care, so what was the point, y’know?

Thank you, babe. ;)

[aicosu]

Hey guys! I wanted to know how was the fifty shades darker movie? Was it decent or was it really bad like some people are saying?

Omfg.

I actually have intense complicated thoughts on Fifty Shades.I’ve been obsessed with the rise and fall story of Fifty Shades, mostly because I’m a fanfiction writer myself and super - SUPER fucking familiar with the community and it’s inner workings. LONG POST AHEAD. 

The tale of HOW and WHY Fifty Shades even hit bestseller is amazing. AD I SEE IT HAPPEN EVERYDAY ON AO3. Like, keeping your fanfic chapters to a couple thosand words, updating weekly, and commenting on comments for your fic to up the comment count (something I refuse to do for this very reason) is a VIABLE method to staying on the top list of any fandom on any fanfic hosting website. Even if you only have the same 10 people commenting on your fic, fic you comment back, 20 comments per chapter nad have 60 chapters? Thats 1200 comments! FUCKING INSANE. I see it everyday. I think every fanfic reader/writer knows that ONE STORY thats ALWAYS on top, for this reason alone, even when (JUST LIKE EL JAMES) the writing is horrendous. 

So! When I researched all of this once the book was released and had all that controversy about BDSM I was both suprised, impressed and horrified. Suprised that a fanfic had even MADE it this far. Impressed because, you got to give the girl kudos. Having her original fanfic readers comment and rate her book on amazon with copy pasta reviews and skyrocketing her to #1 is ingenious. It is, from a marketing stand point its amazing. And of course, I was horrified and dissapointed that with all the fanfics out there, it had to be this one. Not only was the writing terrible, but its a terrible terrible representation of the bdsm culture and community. 

Do not misunderstand me; The Fifty Shades books are horribly written and super problematic. 

The Movies: 

Okay so, I’m a huge film buff. Huge. I took film history and cinematic storytelling in college and I love analyzing movies. 

From a director and writer and cinematographers standpoint, I was literally curious about HOW THE FUCK YOU EVEN FILM THIS MOVIE?? Like, will they have exposition of her ‘INNER GODDESS’ like some odd edgar wright cut aways to a Lizzie McQuire type Anastasia steel!?!? WILL THEY ACTUALLY FILM HIM RIPPING OUT HER TAMPON TO FUCK HER?? (this happens in the book) LIke I needed to know. I had to know. SO I had to see the first movie. I was too curious. AND I wanted to see a legit, from my generation, written fanfiction, adapated for film. Its too groundbreaking, even if you have problems with the story and films how is that not fascinating. 

After watching it this is what I got (I did not pay for this movie btw.) 

EVERY FANFICTION I EVER READ EVER ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE META MINDFUCK. Like!??? I have almost a keen adoration for how WEIRD it is to see ON SCREEN lines like “Your biting your lip.” LIKE – thats fanfiction from 2005, the lip bite. The FUCKING. Dialogue of this movie is like a collection of all the terrible coffee shop aus, high school, fanfic soap opera craziness. Or how he just bumps into her at her work and shit!? OR the fanfic issue of a 20-something yr old interviewing the SUPER HOT hotshot bachelor who has tons of money because….why? WHAT DOES HE DO? In fanfic it doesnt matter but in the movie THEY NEVER ADDRESS THIS EITHER> 

I MEAN its literally that FIC. The one where theres nothing left of your ship you havent consumed, and this one aint so great but eh its 4am on a tuesday and it has 45 chapters. 

I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend any writer or reader to watch this film just for the weird TRIP it is. It freaks me out mann its nuts! 

The movie literally breaks hundreds of Cinematic rules JUST TO tell the story because its source material is what it is. Theres no introduction to the protagnist, no side introduction to our love interest like a rom con always does and the Meet Cute is isn’t a meet cute, it plays like a PROMPT. And its in the first 3 minutes of the film. 

And the Twilight source the fic hangs on can be seen there on screen. Seattle, him saving her from the bike/car, his big rich family compared to her remarried mom (to a golfer not a baseball guy), and her estranged dad whose never around, the weirdness of Christian Grey thats missing that can only be explained by -immortal vampire-. Its insane. They didn’t change any of it. You can see Twilight right there its hilarious. 

AND BECAUSE ITS FIC, theres actually, surprisingly, some really good moments? Its few and far between, but I find the bar scene generally funny and charming. Anastasia anyway. Christian is a creepy from first minute to last minute of every movie because what can you do with a non-vampire-vampire character, really? But Anastasia is pretty funny in a way Bella swan never was. I love the whole “Your so bossy, come here, come here, go away go away!” dialogue. FUCKING hilarious. And so unarguable a FANFIC genre of WIT. I like those moments. Or the buisness meeting about the bdsm contract “please turn to page 5 and strike out ‘anal fisting.’” “Are you sure?” “YUP.” (no paraphrasing, she literally says YUP. 10/10 delivery) Also love the texting scenes, reminds me too much of MS though and I immediately felt like trash. 

Now, aside from those moments, hands down, terrible fucking plot. But it had terribel fucking plot to begin with. 

What I was suprised about was that the film crew and creators DID IN FACT listen to te protests and uproar about the controversy of the content of the film. And I was suprised to see that THEY CHANGED a lot of stuff and cut out a lot of shit too. Christian NEVER touches her unless she says so. There actually a lot of moments stressing the consent thing. Even in the room, he tells her to hold out her hand and test the pain, and se if its ok. If its ever to much, he tells her to say stop, and he will. In fact, we see a lot of “nos” that he adheres to. Whereas in the books hes on he like a grade A rapist. They also add her in negotiating a ton of the terms. 

Theres no tampon pulling scene and no inner goddess, much to my dismay/happiness. Lol. 

HOWEVER.Aside from terrible plot, after making changes to the controversy, the movie didnt go far enough to differentiate the problematic nature of CHRISTIAN and the lifestyle of BDSM. Because Anna is a stranger of both, both are presented to the audience as BAD. We see bdsm through the lens of someone who USES IT THE WRONG WAY, FOR THE WRONG THINGS, and thats the main idea the movie can seem to target, and the book never bothered to learn. That last red room scene is Confusing at best, since its all consensual and really tame looking to anyone apart of bdsm, and misdirecting at worst to anyone not apart of it. Because its obvious Christian has ACTUAL Issues, but we’re made to believe all BDSM is like that, and its just not true. 

TO THE SEQUELS CREDIT, 50SDarker goes a little more into this. Not just with dialogue, but showing how Anna is accepting of and in control of BDSM. She asks for specific thinks and seeks out certain sexual activities and calls him out on the shadier parts of his own personality, But in my opinion, its not enough. Theres too much –between the lines– and for a movie ABOUT this lifestyle, its to important to skim over like they do. Thats probably the most disapointing part. 

All in all, its a terrible plot and terrible movie, that doesnt know enough about a material it references, and cant stand alone without its SOURCE material. 

Theres way too many helicopter shots of places, and vehicles. Greys idea of romancise seems to be fancy transportation of some sort and his idea of -KINKY- sex is Cunnilingus, missionary, missionary cunnilingus, and missionary with some handcuffs. But its a WILD ride to watch. And has its genenuinly charming moments that can only come from the COMMUNITY of FANFICTION that molded it. As we know, fandom is just as much influenced by the original fiction as it is the headcanons, aus, peronality tropes and almost mandala effect culture the FANS put into it. And I love and adore that secret part of the movies. Dakota Johnson is also super charming and natural as Anna. A Bella swan, oc, induced character, self instert type fanfic pov. And to do that is some acting talent right there. And finally, and I’m probably the ONLY one here, but Im not 100% upset that 50shades got a movie. Because yes, its terrible in a on of fucking ways. But its STILL a fanfic on screen. And thats incredible. Thats why I bought tickets to support the sequel. She may have manipulated the rise to fame, but EL James still showed us the path to that goal. Fanifc to novelist, novelist to billiondollar box office numbers. EL James was ON SET, telling them how to film – HER FANFICTION. Thats a THING now. You cant not take fanfiction as a community and tool seriously now. Not when it made that much money. And hey, look at Superhero movies. We had to sit through too many shit Xmen and Daredevil movies to get an Iron man. 

I will sit through a few 50shades to get my fucking favorite fanfics on screen too. Its not like Hollywood has any better stories to put up but Adam Sandler movies.