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heli0s-writes · 4 years

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lights up*

A/N: Stucky (primarily Steve)/Reader. 2k words of idkwhatthisisi’msorry. There was a prompt from six months ago that I wrote this for but I lost the message and I can’t remember! All mistakes are my own, please stop reading if you are not 18+

brooklyn after dark masterlist

You wake up in scattered shock.

Knee-jerk reaction to fast hands sliding between your thighs, fingers carelessly ticking sensitive skin.

You wake up to a groggy voice, slurred with sleep and raspy-raw.

“Baby,” it croaks from between your legs, “Honey, sweetheart, sugar. Please, please, please let me eat your pussy.”

Wha—

A few disbelieving blinks as you scrabble for your bearings—can’t see shit—still dark—head throbbing.

“Oh god, I wanna sosososo bad,” and then hands are between your knees, spreading your legs apart. “So… damn... tasty. Uh-huh… Come to daddy.”

Who the fuck is—damn it, Bucky.

In the dead hour of four-something when nothing should be moving so intentionally, an unsteady moan tumbles out of him when he starts groping for your ass.

“Buck!” You whisper, kicking your leg to shake him off. Grabbing the covers with one hand, you reach under with the other, swatting his head and trying to get a firm hold on him. Slippery fucking man.

He pauses for a second before his body goes limp, half hanging off the foot of the bed and you groan at his weight. Idiot boy. Two hundred pounds of horny somnambulist dropping like an anchor on your poor legs.

Fiddling now with how to get him back up to his regular spot, you try to do it quietly, the warmth radiating next to your left shoulder a compelling incentive. Even with your wits barely about you, you know better than to wake—

“Whassit? Whas goin’ on?”

Steve. Ah.

“Nothing,” you sigh, reaching over and stroking his arm absently, one foot tapping against Bucky’s waist to urge him upward. “He’s just sleep-talking again.”

Steve makes a groggy noise of comprehension. “Sleep-talking or sleep-fucking?”

“Just sleeping now. Ugh… didn’t mean to wake you.”

He’d come in late again—meetings and paperwork keeping him well after hours. Not even able to do it from home, which would have been nice. At least here you could make sure he was eating, or drinking enough water, or at least be in the presence of good company.

Instead, you and Buck watched a movie, took a few rounds of shots (because he likes the taste and how you look dancing all over the coffee table), fooled around in the kitchen, and turned in around two—Steve nowhere in sight. Some jobs were Captain-Only, which meant you’d have to make peace with being useless.

That’s generally not a task that goes over well. The amount of untamed energy Bucky exudes without Steve’s guidance is… close to being categorized as a natural disaster and trying to stay up with him is always a double-edged sword. Lots of fun, sure, but he requires less sleep than you do and can finagle you into getting piss drunk with a single smirk.

“Wish you’d been more responsible.” Bone-tired and Steve’s still bossy. His arm is heavy as it snakes over your tummy. “You know he needs direction.”

“Hey, I tried.”

“Issat right? That why your panties’re on the counter? Shirt in the sink, too. Come home close to four and still gotta clean up after the two of you.”

His raspy breath tickles, plump lips crushed just below your ear—enough to start a chain reaction of shudders.

“Go back to sleep,” you huff, embarrassed. It was only a few hours ago so your head’s still a bit fuzzy—vague memory of playful touches before hearing, hop up, baby, from Bucky. And you, tittering and zealous the whole way, kissing him like he’d never been kissed before.

YouTube blinking on the T.V., stuck on some ad because the streaming’s a snail’s pace from when Steve set up the internet and tried to pinch pennies at the same time. Bucky’s specially crafted “Wine, Dine, and Sixty-Nine” playlist refusing to load even half a song afterwards so neither of you could spare your neighbors from hearing all the noises.

Hopefully the laughter was loudest, and not the primal fucking, or the crashing when you slipped off the counter and knocked Bucky on his ass.

You giggle at that. Years and years together and some nights still feel brand new.

“Have fun without me?”

There’s no real jealousy in Steve’s voice, but there is greed behind the question. A single night away and he acts like he’s never been kissed either.

Your eyes start fluttering when his fingers curl around your hipbone. Je-sus. Hell. It’s too late—early—for this.

You grumble his name, asking him to save it for a couple more hours when your brain doesn’t feel pried free, but, Captain-Only mode activated and he’s not deterred. A bloodhound on a fresh trail.

The hand on your hip turns inward and you’re suddenly aware of him pressed against your body, that hot line of him, pulsing on your upper thigh. He tilts forward, one knee rubbing up your leg. Bucky stirs a little and makes another declaration about how he’s fit for the CEO position of Eating Your Ass, but nothing more after that.

“He do you good?” Steve wonders, apparently not giving a fuck about whether Bucky’s dead or alive down there and instead only worried about repositioning you, rolling you on your side, “That why you’re so happy to get me out of the house? So you two can fool around unchecked as much as you want?”

“Steve, you know damn well—"

His hand slips around the side of your neck, four thick fingers drumming over the ridges of your throat. “Watch your mouth,” he whispers, “before you get yourself into any more trouble.”

He gets mean without enough sleep. And no one would ever guess, but other than working over some poor punching bag that’ll never see the light of day after he gets his hands on it, Captain America likes to fuck it out. You and Buck have properly come out of a few sessions barely alive, feeling like two ends of a slinky that’s taken one too many tumbles down a flight of stairs.

You squirm as he palms your bottom with his free hand, kneading the bare flesh a flimsy pair of sleeping shorts can’t cover.

“Gotta be quiet,” he tells you gently, “Can’t wake him, can we.” Christ help you. What a time to play a game. You mumble under your breath, “Do I have a choice?”

A prod at your already sore entrance, and Steve says, annoyingly convinced, “I think you’ve already made your choice.”

He stills for a second when Bucky flops around on the mattress and then he starts pressing his mouth to your back, your shoulder, other hand holding you steady with expertise. It’s Steve’s favorite position when he wants to be in charge—you, writhing and turned away, usually leaned about 50 degrees and pawing at Bucky’s chest—this morning, feebly snatching sheets instead.

It doesn’t take any buildup. He’s achingly ready; you’re willingly wet. Clothes moved just enough out of the way and his two fingers slide upward, pushing barely to spread you before he quickly replaces it with something much thicker. It’s only been a few seconds. He’s too fast for you to get a word in edgewise, your brain still muddled, body cooperative.

“Huh,” Steve mumbles, slowly feeling his way into position, “A bit fucked loose, aren’t you?”

“Steve,” you hiss in reply, clenching up reflexively the same time mortification bursts across your scrunched- up face. “Don’t say that.”

“Hush, baby.”

“I’m trying—”

“Try harder.” And he’s evil incarnate, you swear. Satan himself packaged up in the neat body of a demigod. He rolls his hips slowly until the tops of his thighs are pressed against your ass, fingers holding so tight you think he’s going to spear right into bone. “Stay still or you’re gonna knee Buck in the cheek.”

You twist your head around, instead, shaking your chin free from his hand, hoping that once he sees your pitiful expression, he’ll find it in his heart to maybe not pound you into oblivion with bells on.

Of course, Steve’s not looking anywhere but down the line of your back and further to where he’s opening you up, bottom lip tucked into his teeth.

You constantly rib him about how he’s making up for all the years he spent with the two working eyes of a mole so now he’ll break his neck to watch. Bucky’s confirmed it multiple times to Steve’s chagrin, cackling at the way Steve goes purple defending himself. You love the stories they tell and retell; you try to spend most your time making up for all those years you weren’t there to find out.

Who isn’t in this relationship? Violently horny like teenagers, the three of you, spending every idle hour mishandling for each other like it’s the first time. Excitement primeval like animals in heat, apparently instinctual enough for one of you to do it in his sleep. Years and years and it still feels brand new.

The bed’s rocking surprisingly moderately for Steve’s usual pace, and it’s a bit heartwarming to know that he’s doing it because he really doesn’t want to wake Bucky, but he ramps up his game. He starts whispering again, meaner, hotter, the damn mouth on Steve Rogers continuing to give you hell this early morning.

He pinches your nipple hard, letting you gasp at the brief sting before he goes back up to your chin, your mouth, and then he puts the entire hand over it.

“Quiet. Not another fucking word out of you. Gotta teach you how to behave this morning, don’t I?” He’s working himself up, working you over, even pulling you back on him by the hips and then wiggling you up and down on him like he’s adjusting you on a saddle. Motherfucker.

Your toes curl, knees grinding, legs folding up to get simultaneously closer and away from him and it feels—it feels so excruciatingly good—the effortless glide of his cock, the burn of friction dragging itself out the more you wriggle. Whatever indelicate sounds falling out of your mouth are getting mashed back in, Steve ramming himself into your body, shaking your brain further loose.

He’s probably louder than he intends to be—you know how he gets when he’s close— bombs could be dropping two feet away and Steve Rogers would hear nothing but the roar of his own wanting, chasing it until he crashes into bits. You’re chasing too, both hands clamped around his wrist, arching your back to near breaking.

“Yeah,” he rasps out, “That’s it, that’s good, baby. Ugnn—back up on me, stay—right there.”

More uneven jerking, he releases your face and starts rubbing your clit, saying, you like it like this? Like me givin’ it to you good like this? And you’re shaking in his arms, the both of you tipping over the edge.

“I wasn’t serious,” Steve says later after a few moments, lips all soft and gentle on your neck, rather than fierce like before, “Bout you bein’—” you can feel him shrugging, “Y’know… fucked loose.” He whispers the last part like it’s a sin.

You snort, “You turning decent on me? After railing me to death?”

“You sound pretty lively to me.” He pokes your side, “I just… woke up and remembered how much I missed you last night.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got both of us here—shit!”

“Steeeeeve,” and the sound of it slaps both you back to reality. Sleep-smashed, more tipsy than any alcohol could make him, Bucky’s giggles break the steady pattern of muffled conversation. His vibranium hand pats around for a new destination, undeterred by the disruption of his previous mission.

You can’t believe it. He’s still asleep.

“Steeeevie,” Bucky mewls again, “Lemme— lemme suck your dick, sweetheart.”

What a menace. Your shoulders start quivering as you poorly hold it back, pfffftppblffpt’s kickstarting Steve into a tizzy right alongside you.

Bursting laughter finally wakes him up. Bucky yelps once, twice, flailing like a cat caught unawares and rolls himself right off the goddamn bed.

Two hundred pounds of newly conscious pervert wallops the hardwood floor and you’re sure the entire apartment complex—if they didn’t hear the ruckus last night—certainly heard it this morning.

#marvel #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #stucky x reader #smut #marvel smut #reader insert #mcu

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some-kindofgnome · 4 years

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tastes so bitter (tastes so sweet)

You’re driving back from an out-of-town mission with Hawks when your car breaks down on a very sparsely-populated highway. While you await relief, things get... personal.

characters: takami keigo (hawks) x f!reader

word count: 7.1k

warnings: smut (18+ please!), car sex, pro hero!reader, angst, emotionally unavailable hawks

notes: ta-dah!!! the car sex fic! this turned out way longer and way more feelsy than I ever intended it to be. but I’m grateful for the chance to show you how I play with plot and emotion as well as some good porn. porn with feelings, y’know?

EDIT: The supremely talented @la-saffron has created an absolutely spectacular piece of artwork for this fic! Please go and look at it right here, it’s really quite splendid

Masterlist

The shadowy trees on either side of the highway cast a chill across the pavement as the sky went dark.

It was far from sunset, but the woods were so tall and thick that the light had disappeared from the road a long time ago. The overpriced navigation system laid into the dashboard of Hawks’ luxurious car was no help at all; not when you were taking the only road for miles around.

The highway narrowly passed for two lanes, winding precariously down from the mountains. Dotted with reflective yellow signs- deer crossing, bear crossing, creatures-of-unimaginable-horror crossing. Bigfoot himself could have wandered into your headlights and you barely would’ve flinched.

But that was to be expected, given where you’d come from.

That day’s mission brought you both far, far away from the city. There was a national forest about three hours away- one of the biggest in the country- and you and Hawks had been called in at the crack of fucking dawn to drive all the way out to the woods and investigate some ‘strange reports,’ as the rangers cared to call them.

Most park rangers knew what they were seeing when guests came in from the woods reporting abnormal happenings. Nobody was truly immune to fear, though, when faced with the impossible.

Whether there were paranormal creatures lurking in those woods or not, you couldn’t have been sure. But after spending the day exhausting both your quirks combing every spare inch of those woods, you were relieved of your overnight duties by a group of other, more nature-savvy heroes.

Hawks had been miffed, but too exhausted to argue. He didn’t like to think he’d been overshadowed. You were just thankful to be going home to your own bed.

“Okay,” you sighed, nursing the last of a lukewarm soda from a burger joint at the edge of the only one-horse town you’d passed through. It was a pretty unassuming stop for dinner, but you and Hawks both agreed that the burgers were way too good to be sold to so few patrons.

Keigo was driving, with one palm splayed lazily across the bottom edge of the wheel. His scarlet wings stretched into the backseat, draping over the shoulders of his black leather backrest like some bizarre kind of seat cover.

The fact that his car was so luxurious was not lost on you- although you were more surprised to find out that he had one at all. Hawks seemed like the last person in the world to need a car, after living in a fantastic downtown penthouse. And owning a pair of wings, come to think of it.

He owned it because he could. And because he knew how good he looked in the driver’s seat.

“What?” He turned a curious eye toward you, though he never quite pulled his gaze from the road.

“I know we started this conversation on the way here,” you began, “but… we never exactly finished it.” You swirled what was left of the ice chips in the bottom of your cup, considering the best way to voice your thoughts.

“Alright.” He sounded vaguely amused, slouching a little further down and drawing an idle palm over his feathered hair. “Shoot.”

“Well…” You trailed off. “You’re kind of… a city guy.” You were already starting to talk with your hands. The racket coming from your half-drunk soda was proof enough.

“What makes you say that?”

“You are,” you defended. You let a playful edge creep into your tone. “And the agency’s kind of a city thing.”

“Am I really as one-note as you’re making me out to be?” He was chuckling. Your cheeks were going hot. You weren’t sure how this became a personal conversation, but you were determined to steer it in the proper direction. You course corrected.

“I just mean, we don’t take a lot of jobs outside the city. Like… ever. So, what’s with this one? Why this call?”

He didn’t answer right away. When you glanced across the car, he was licking his lips and appearing to be, very genuinely, thinking.

“Well,” he began. There was an immensely appealing depth that wore around the edges of his voice when he was deep in thought. You hung on tightly, trying your best to hide how intently you listened.

“I was just… bored, I guess.” He gave a lazy little shrug. His eyes were still trained on the windshield, but you could feel the weight of his urges. He wanted to look over. You turned your head, willing him to.

“Probably sounded like bullshit, now that I think about it,” he confessed, “but if there really was somethin’ freaky in those woods… I dunno. I wanted to see it.”

You resisted the urge to snort.

“Maybe you should start a ghost hunting branch at the agency.”

“Aw, c’mon,” he protested. This time, he really did drag his eyes away from the road for a second. They glinted playfully in the dark. You got a flash of pearly canine from the barest hint of a grin, but it was enough to put a stupid smile right across your face.

A sickening thud from beneath the hood zapped any false confidence you’d been building. There was a dull pop, then the engine died.

“What the- shit.” Hawks scrambled to put both hands on the wheel, navigating the car with what momentum remained over to the narrow shoulder. The tires hit gravel and soft mud, rolling pathetically to a stop and settling in damp silence.

“What the hell was that?” You leaned over the dashboard as your pulse came down from near-terminal velocity. There were half a dozen lights blinking away on the dashboard- symbols you couldn’t understand.

“Not sure.” Keigo was doing his best not to sound too perturbed. As a result, he was just perturbed enough.

You knew what those lights implied, though. Service due. Oil change due. Battery maintenance due.

“Jesus Christ,” you hissed, “when was the last time you took this car in for service? It’s a miracle you even made it out of the goddamn garage.”

Hawks was in the process of mashing the engine start button like an arcade game. When you spoke up, he pushed it down and held. The engine gave a dull, sad sort of sputter, but nothing roared to life.

“Look, look,” he dismissed, waving a hand in your direction as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “I don’t drive this thing that often, okay? I’m gonna go check under the hood.”

He climbed out of the driver’s side and slammed the door before giving you the chance to remind him to pop the hood. For a minute, you let him wallow in his mistake, watching gleefully as he pried at the seam of it. Finally, you unbuckled yourself and leaned over, flicking the release for him.

He gave an unamused glance toward the windshield and lifted the hood, obscuring all but the very tips of his drooping wings from view.

After about fifteen seconds, he ducked back into the car with a rush of cold air behind him. He rubbed his palms together as you watched, arms folded over your chest.

“So?” You prompted. He gave a sideways glance in your direction, blowing into his chilled hands.

“So what?”

“Oh my g- what’s wrong with the car?” You tried your best not to let panic set in.

“I don’t know. It’s just a bunch of pipes and wires under there. They didn’t exactly give me a map of the thing when I bought it.”

You’d seen Hawks pull people out of burning buildings before. You’d see him think on his feet, devise a plan and act on it in the blink of an eye. Usually, he was impulsive. Confident. Clever.

Tonight, on the other hand, he was demonstrating a very clear affinity for money over brains.

You flopped into your seat, scrubbing your hands over your face. You were not going to freak out. You refused to. It didn’t matter that Keigo had suddenly become useless in the face of disaster. You were heroes, even if you had to save your damned selves.

“Oh,” he quipped from beside you. “Still got bars. See?” As you peeked over at him through one cracked eyeball, he waved his illuminated phone screen at you. “It could be worse, kid. If this were a horror movie, this thing’d be dead.”

He tapped away on the screen, seeming very pleased with himself. Even his wings gave a little ruffle, draping themselves smoothly over the back of his seat again.

“I’ll call us a tow. We’ll be outta here in no time.”

A few minutes later, you had a map pulled up on your phone while Hawks’ brow creased deeper and deeper.

“Uh-huh.” His voice had taken on that irresistible deepness to it again, but this time it was sending pangs of dread through your gut.

“Right.” He brought a palm up to smooth over his jaw, fingertips bending and pressing idly against the patches of scruff that dusted it. “Y-yep, yeah, I understand. Fifty miles is a long way. I know it’s gonna be a lot to send a truck that far. But-“

As he was abruptly cut off by the other end of the line, those idle fingers slipped up to his temple, pressing inward and rubbing in stiff little circles.

“Okay. Alright. Yeah, I guess we’ll wait, ‘cause there’s not much else we can… I understand. Yes, thank you. Thank you. Okay, we’ll be here. Or within a ten-foot radius. Thanks. B-“

He blinked rapidly at the screen as he pulled it away from his ear. “Have an excellent night, sir,” he muttered under his breath. He let out a deep sigh, lifting a hip to tuck his phone away again.

“They said they would send someone,” he said, “but the depot is, like, fifty miles from here. Could be a couple of hours.”

“A couple hours?” That cold dread was settling into your chest again. So much for sleeping in your own bed.

“Yeah. C’mon, get out.”

“What?” You glanced past him at the frosted driver’s side window. “It looks freezing out there.”

“Well then, you’d better bundle up. C’mon. I’m gonna fly us back to the city.”

“No way. Hawks- Keigo.” You grabbed his arm and squeezed tightly as he made to get out of the car.

“What?” Exasperation was creeping into the edges of his voice. The sides of his gaze, too, as he landed against the seat back with a thud and turned his cheek to look at you.

“You’ve been flying all day. Your wings are shot. You’re not flying anywhere.”

“What? They’re fine.” He gave the appendages in question a defiant flutter and a cloud of expiring feathers floated into the backseat.

You folded your arms across your chest. Hawks gave a frustrated growl.

“What do you suggest, then?” He retorted in fierce opposition to your silence. “Just sit around and fucking… die of old age before the tow truck comes?”

“Oh my god, you’re the number two hero,” you snapped back. “When did you become such a drama queen? Yes, we’re going to wait. Like a normal person would have to.”

“I’m not being dramatic; I’m presenting you with a legitimate solution and you’re ignoring it!”

“If you try to fly us both out of here, you’re gonna hit the ground before we’re halfway home. And then we’ll be really stranded, with no water and no shelter. So, if you’d like to fly back all by yourself, I can’t stop you. But I’m not going to let you kill both of us.”

“Fine!” Hawks’ cheeks were flushed with temper as he kicked the door open and clambered out of the car. He kicked it shut again so hard the whole body rocked, and for a moment you were left, trapped in shocked silence.

He was really going to leave you out here. Alone.

Half a dozen heartbeats passed before his boots crunched on the shoulder and he wrenched the door open again, flopping back into the car with an immense sigh of irritated defeat.

“Fuckin’ freezing out there,” he muttered as quietly as possible.

You wanted to punch him.

“You ready to wait?”

His wings stiffened behind him, then drooped so lowly they seemed to disappear into the backseat. He looked at you from the corner of one tawny eye.

“Yeah.”

For the first hour, you honestly enjoyed yourself. As soon as Keigo accepted his fate, he got much closer to his usual mellow self. You finished off cold fries from dinner, listened to true crime podcasts on your phone, (you listened- he talked over the whole thing) and played a few ruthless games of hangman on a couple of napkins you found in the glove compartment.

You’d spent a lot of time with Hawks in a professional capacity. As partners, you took most of your missions together. You were well-versed in the way that he liked to think, the way he approached a job, a conversation. You worked well with each other and you were drawn to his quick wit and laid-back humour. Even if he was a piece of work at times, you made a strong team. But you didn’t do a whole lot of hanging out.

“Okay, that’s it,” he chided as you added an extravagant top hat to the completed, dressed hangman scrawled onto the inside fold of your last napkin. The word he’d failed to guess was ‘patience,’ and the irony of his struggling was not lost on you.

“Aw, c’mon,” you protested. “You’ve still got gloves and a bow tie left.”

“No, no, no.” He held up a palm, shaking his head. There was a good-natured grin curling his lip as he bowed toward the door. “I’m callin’ it. I gotta take a leak.”

You snatched your soda cup from the drink holder, clutching it protectively against your chest.

“You’re not going in here.”

Next, it was Hawks’ turn to shoot you a deadpan stare.

“How about in the woods? Is that allowed?”

Your cheeks went hot. “It’s pretty dark out there.”

“Aw.” Hawks shoved the door open. There was an unfamiliar glint to his eye as he tossed a mischievous look over his shoulder. “Guess you won’t be able to sneak a peek, then.”

You slammed your fist into his back. “Shut up and go take a piss.”

As the car door clicked shut, you turned the other way out of sheer habit. All you could see in the opposite window was the reflection of your own face. Maybe it was just the dim light, but you looked exhausted. Keigo had seen you caked in blood, streaked by mud and soot before. But you’d both been awake since four o’clock that morning and there was a special kind of ugly feeling that came with overtiredness.

You were dreaming about the first thing you’d do when you got home again when Hawks climbed back into the car. He looked considerably brighter as he ducked inside, and he brought a flush of rich, earthy forest-smell along with him.

“Don’t tell me you couldn’t find it in the cold out there,” you quipped. Payback.

But Keigo just chuckled, shaking his head.

“Close the door,” you whined as the frigid air from outside finally reached your bare arms. “It’s already cold enough in here.”

“Aw,” he crooned, tugging the door shut behind him. “You scared of a little cold now, kid? It’s not so bad out there. Feel.”

He lunged at you, ducking rapidly to rub his frigid cheek against your shoulder. You let out a terse yelp and squirmed, trying to shove him back amid a sea of chilled giggles. He got a few passes of his icy skin on yours before you both realized how close you’d gotten.

Hawks cleared his throat and scooted away from you. In the bare light from the shitty overhead lamp, you were starting to see the outline of a flush creeping into his cheeks.

The light abruptly went out, leaving you in darkness again.

“Tell me something,” he mused, grabbing for the abandoned takeout bag and digging a hand into it. He produced a tiny wrapped square and tore it open with his teeth, removing the folded alcohol wipe from inside and gliding it with impossible grace over his fingertips. He eyed you sideways.

“How come we don’t hang out more?”

Your chest went cold. You’d been dreading that question all night. Longer than that, even.

“What d’you mean?” It was a gut response, but you instantly kicked yourself for even attempting to play dumb.

“You know,” he chided, dumping the wipe back into the paper bag once he was finished with it. “We work. We do interviews together. We do those bullshit PR functions together. I’ve known you- what, two years? And we’ve never even been for a drink. What gives, kid? Don’t tell me I grate on you.”

“I get plenty of you on company time,” you retorted. You were starting to panic. You weren’t ready for this conversation, but it didn’t seem like you were going to be rescued by the timely arrival of the tow truck.

“Okay, okay, I’d take that,” he laughed, “if you hadn’t agreed to take this mission with me. C’mon, this wasn’t exactly a nine-to-five gig.”

He paused. “Come out with me this weekend.” He nudged your shoulder with a bony elbow. You tried your best not to snap.

“Stop,” you pressed quietly. “You know why we don’t.”

The smirk slipped from Keigo’s face.

“What? Why?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Wait a second, there’s an actual reason? What the hell is it?”

The confusion was genuine on his face. Hawks could be a smarmy little shit when he wanted to be. But you could tell he wasn’t fucking with you.

“Oh my god.” The words slipped out like a deep breath. Your hand drifted to your mouth as cold shock ran over your skin. “You really don’t remember.”

“No.” His confusion was bordered with fear. He sat back a little, letting his eyes drift over your expression. “No, I really don’t.”

You swallowed hard. You should have known that you’d have to talk about this eventually. But he didn’t even remember the night that had been changing the way you acted around him for nearly a year.

“Last Christmas,” you began. Your breath was so short that it put a desperate hush to your voice that you absolutely hated. You revelled in your ability to act casual around him, but the more probing he got, the harder that composure was slipping.

“At the agency gala. You remember the party, right?”

Hawks rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and I got trashed.” He paused. Realization dawned on his face, and he shot you the deepest, most sincere look of concern you’d ever seen. Even more sincere than the look that crossed his face when you got shot off the roof of a house and broke a rib.

He leaned forward.

“Did I do something?” He swept a palm over his mouth, fingertips dallying at his chin. You knew exactly how he felt in that moment. You’d been there before, too, realizing that you’d lost control. Blacked out. Understanding that you might have done something you were going to regret.

“You really don’t remember a thing?” It was your turn to be horrified. How could something that consumed your every thought stay so damned far from his?

His fingers were still curved around the point of his chin. He’d gone white, and he shook his head as his eyes cast down to his lap.

“You fucking kissed me, okay?” You snarled with a whip of frustration. “There was mistletoe and you kissed me under it and-and Christ, I can’t believe you.”

“What? What?” He demanded as his voice grew defensively sharp.

“I had no idea what you were gonna do. What you were gonna say, what was gonna change between us. I showed up to the agency the next morning and your hungover ass acted like nothing had ever happened.”

“Of course I did,” he defended, “I didn’t think anything did happen. Oh my God, did I really kiss you?” His wings were coming to life all of a sudden, bristling on either side of his seat. There was a dull whisp as one edge of them brushed against the window. They seemed to expand, along with his horror, to fill the entire car.

He pushed further. “Well, did you… did you want me to?”

You could see where his thoughts were taking him. The answer was an impossible dilemma. To lead him further down that path would not only be cruel, it would be untrue. But to tell him the truth- that you had wanted it- would be to shatter the fragile illusion of casual, platonic intimacy that you’d been building over the last two years.

You chewed your lower lip. Hard enough to hurt.

“Oh god, you didn’t,” he gasped. That was enough for you to lift your chin and shoot him a sudden, sad, pathetic little look.

“Jesus,” he gasped again, deeper this time. “You did.”

“Look,” you snapped. “I was never gonna say anything to you. I was never gonna push it. You didn’t feel that way and I knew that and I just wanted to work.”

He told you enough about his personal life as it was. Every date he swung in from on Monday morning, every Friday night he spent preening in the last hours of the workday hurt enough already. If you’d grown close, fallen harder, it would’ve become too much to bear.

“What do you mean, I didn’t feel that way? What way don’t I feel? How could you even know that?” He was beginning to raise his voice back at you and the adrenaline was pushing you way too far to listen.

“Because you never said a fucking word to me about that kiss! You pretended like it never even happened, Kei! What was I supposed to think!”

“If you’d asked me, you woulda known that I didn’t speak up ‘cause I didn’t remember a goddamn thing!” Keigo jammed a finger into his temple. His golden eyes flashed. He was so fucking hot when he was angry, but this was not a fight you ever wanted to have.

Luckily for you, he was having it without you.

“What do you want me to say to that?” He snarled. “Huh? What- you want me to tell you that I’m sorry for not having psychic powers? That I’m sorry I didn’t hire a mind-reader to tell me what the fuck was going on with you?”

He scrubbed his hands over his face. You were on the verge of tears.

“I-I never-“ you began, but Keigo beat you to the punch,

“You know, maybe I noticed that you were actin’ funny around me. And maybe I should’ve asked. But maybe if you ask yourself, and if you really, honestly give yourself the truest answer, you’d be able to admit that you knew how I felt about you. That you always knew.”

“Of course I knew!”

Your response echoed raw and deafening in the silence of the car. You’d lost your temper and shouted it at him with every decibel left in your breathless chest. Your fists were clenched atop your frigid thighs as you bent over in your seat, shivering. To your immense embarrassment, warm tears trickled down the sides of your nose.

He was right, after all. Every sideways smile he’d given you was just a little too broad to be friendly. Every time he caught you by the hand, he held it just a little too long. Every time he offered you the crook of his elbow at a stuffy charity gala and every time he poured you into a cab at the end of the night, he promised to take good care of you. Every time he looked at you at all it was with a depth that you had recognized, but never understood.

“But look at us, Kei. Look at what we do to each other.”

You sniffled, scrubbing tears off your cheeks with the heels of your hands. He reached for you, seeking to comfort, but his hands twitched midair and he drew back instead.

“Yeah,” he croaked. You tossed a glance in his direction. He looked more dejected than you’d seen him in a long time. He rested both hands on top of the wheel, the rest of his body sagging against the seat back.

“Except now I’ve told you,” you continued. “And now we both know, so everything’s fucked no matter what.”

You were met with silence. The truth was dawning on you. You hated to even consider it, but it felt like what needed to be done.

“When we get back to the city,” you started. Hawks interrupted you with a low rasp of your name.

“No, when we get back, I’m giving you my resignation.”

“Fuck, stop.”

Keigo lunged, grabbing you by the back of the neck and pulling you toward him. He rested his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. The warmth of his closeness weighed on you like a heavy quilt. You couldn’t even pretend not to be immensely comforted by affection from him.

“I’m not gonna let you do that, kid.”

You were both drawing deep breaths- slow, rolling gulps of air that matched over gradual time. You licked your lips, bracing your chilled palms on his shoulders. Your fingertips brushed the very edges of his feathered hair, dull and soft in the dark.

You’d talked each other down from bigger, badder edges before. But this one had sharp, jagged rocks waiting at the bottom. This one, you were going to have to jump from together.

“I can’t do this,” you pleaded. “I can’t keep myself away from you like this.”

“Don’t.” His voice was hushed and so achingly tender, like he couldn’t take the command himself.

“I can’t-“

“Then, don’t.”

He was firmer this time, and the pad of his thumb brushed the bottom of your lip. He pulled back just a hair, grazing the tip of his nose across yours. The heat of his breath puffed over your lips and his blonde eyelashes threatened to tickle your cheek.

He drew in a slow, calculated breath.

“Lemme kiss you. Lemme try again. I’m not gonna forget it this time, I swear.”

“Keigo, please.”

“Just lemme try. Just once. I’ll never ask you again, if you don’t want me to.” He pulled back the rest of the way and your body keened at the loss, but he looked deeply into your eyes. Deeply like he’d never been allowed to look before.

You licked your lips. Considered it for half a heartbeat. Then you gave a slow little nod.

“Okay.”

To your surprise, he didn’t lunge again. He took his time with you. He cupped your cheeks tenderly between his bare palms, memorizing the curve of your face. He stared, taking you in like this. At his mercy.

Finally, he leaned in and captured your mouth in a soft kiss, heartbreakingly loving. You responded eagerly, blossoming beneath his touch and bracing your hands on the broad plane of his chest. Your fingers curled in the fleece that lined his coat.

You kissed back with near-desperate urgency, shamelessly showing him how touch-starved you’d become. Dating was pointless when Keigo stole your whole heart every time you showed up to work.

The quiet press of his tongue had your jaw going slack in his hands. Your kiss went needy all at once, and he licked into your mouth with a hunger behind his movements that you never anticipated sensing from him.

You broke from him first, turning your cheek to him as your lungs burned. Your mouth was swollen, and you gasped greedily for whatever stale air lingered between you. He grabbed your chin and forced your eyes back to his.

His gaze was fearsome. Ravenous. You were powerless beneath it.

You combed your fingers through his hair like you’d always wanted to, settling your palm at the nape of his neck. Your own voice was nearly unrecognizable, nothing more than a feral growl.

“Get in the back.”

Hawks took one look at the narrow gap between his seat and yours and sat up, nudging the driver’s side door open. He climbed eagerly into the road and then back into the back seat, settling in the center with his legs and wings splayed wide.

Meanwhile, you took the opportunity to wiggle out of your boots and pants and slam dunk everything into the foothold of the passenger’s seat. You climbed over the center console in your underwear and settled into his lap.

Even though you had to bow your head against the cushioned ceiling, it was a holy sensation. Your thighs settled perfectly into the crooks of Keigo’s legs, and his hands slid so naturally over the curves of your hips. It was as if you’d done this before.

You kissed him again, using the weight of your newly boosted height to descend hard and loving against his lips. He grabbed you hard by the ass, drawing you smooth and tight against his hips.

“God,” he groaned eagerly into your mouth.

“You’re so. Fucking. Perfect,” you hissed back into his, and he squeezed you harder, breaking his lips from yours to trail a hungry path of kisses along the edge of your jaw. His scruff scratched at your chin just like you imagined it would. You loved him like this- trimmed, unshaven. The rougher, the better.

“Don’t say that,” he purred dangerously close to your ear. “You’ve seen me at my worst.”

You tried not to grin, remembering Keigo barfing over the balcony of the Plaza after one too many charity-benefit martinis. Keigo caked in ooze after cutting open that sludge villain from the inside. Keigo on the verge of tears, just a few minutes ago.

“I still think so,” you pressed, and he smiled against your cheek. His wings, tired and bruised but majestic as ever, stiffened proudly. They were capped firmly by the cramped space that surrounded you, but the feathers that spread across the back seat were sleek and graceful.

You dug your fingertips between his jacket and his t-shirt, feeling the warmth of his torso all over. He did his best to shrug it open, but the material was caught up on his wings- no getting it off now.

He wound his hands into the hem of his shirt and tugged it up for you. The skin you could feel by slipping your fingers underneath was all you were going to get.

Not that it mattered to you. It was far more than you’d let yourself so much as picture before. While you felt your way across his heated abdomen, he dipped his head to your pulse point. He scraped the points of his teeth across your tender flesh, making you sigh and shiver. He pressed a hand to the small of your back to keep you close and nibbled all the way down to your neckline, leaving a trail of tiny welts in his wake.

They would fade by morning. Tonight, the feeling was enough.

He glided smooth, tender fingers up your sides. You straightened, letting him wedge your long-sleeved t-shirt up around your shoulders. You had to bend even further and press your forehead awkwardly against his shoulder to wrench it off. Once he peeled the fabric over your head, you tossed it haphazardly toward the front seat. Keigo was already going to work on his fly.

The tender press of his erection had grown apparent by that point, stiff and needing down one thigh of his thick pants. You reached between your legs and palmed it indulgently. There was an answering throb of arousal in the pit of your belly as you felt the shape and thickness of it trapped against his body, and an even stronger one when his hips pressed into your touch and he gave a low rumble of approval.

“Don’t act so surprised,” he crooned. With his pants unfastened, and the bulk of his cock shifted to the stretchy pouch of his undershorts, he slid a fingertip down the plane of your belly and curled two graceful digits between your thighs.

“Are you wet for me yet?” He shot you a deep, lustful stare. You rocked your hips against his fingers, hopeless in resisting the pleasure he offered. Keigo nudged the crotch of your thong easily aside, dipping his middle finger against your slit.

He sucked a sharp breath through clenched teeth as you gave a simultaneous yelp of stimulation. When he looked up at you again, he bore a sly little grin. You’d seen it a thousand times before, but never with such desire. And never all for you.

“You’re drippin’, kid.” He arched his palm, slipping that finger slowly upward and easing it inside you. There was no stretch, but the sensation of intimacy- of being felt in such a way by those hands that you’d never dared to fantasize about- was intoxicating in its own right.

Keigo was, apparently, feeling it, too. His eyes were deeply lidded, glazed completely by his own desire. The tip of his cock had found its way over the waistband of his undershorts, weeping shiny precum against his stomach and the bottom of his shirt.

He curled a blunt fingertip inside you, massaging your tender front wall. The feeling rappelled up the column of your spine and brought deep trembles forward. It brought fresh handfuls of wet slick from your depths, gliding down his palm and between his fingers. He took the hints your body offered and rubbed faster, watching the way your expression morphed from desire to pleasure.

“Stop,” you hushed, leaning forward and pushing your lips to his. He drew his hand back from you immediately, settling it on your thigh. The wet little print it left against your skin wasn’t lost on you.

“Something wrong?”

“No,” you replied. “Just ready for you.”

He gave a low, loving little chuckle and shifted beneath you. “Can’t hold out any longer?”

You smiled into his hair. “Don’t want to.”

“Fair enough.” His smile was even, but the tug in his voice betrayed his fraying nerves. It thrilled you to know that you weren’t the only one putting way too much emotional stock in this. It was immensely validating to discover that he’d been anticipating it, too.

He wiggled and squirmed against the backseat, shucking his pants and underwear down over his thighs and letting his cock pop out. It bobbed against his stomach- thicker than you’d imagined- framed by a trimmed scruff of tawny hair that disappeared under his shirt.

“Fuck,” you sighed in spite of yourself.

“I know, right?” He rasped. He reached for you, cupping your jaw. He brought your forehead down to his, giving a weak laugh. “What the hell have we been waitin’ for?”

“We just needed the bottle episode to shove us together,” you giggled. “C’mon, we’re a walking trope right about now.”

“We’re about to become a different trope if you don’t let me fuck you.” It was his turn to play the desperate card. But the ache between your thighs had not dulled, even a little.

He wrapped his fingers around the base of his shaft and you lifted your hips. He gave the heated tip a playful little swipe along your slick slit, but his game backfired when both of you let out tight cries of sensation.

You rocked your hips forward, taking his tip eagerly inside. The sensation was toe-curling, made even better by the way he held you tightly against him, nosing at your ear and kissing any patch of skin he could reach.

He brought his free palm to your ass as soon as you were situated, helping you slide the rest of the way onto his cock. With your knees braced on either side of his lap and your feet pressed tightly against the front seat, you let him bottom out. And for a moment, you just sat there.

“Jesus,” Keigo sighed, lolling his head against the seat behind him. You still had your head deeply bowed, trapped in the space that seemed just an inch too tight.

“I…” Your thighs shuffled. Your hips gave a little squirm. It felt good, but it wasn’t enough. Keigo cracked an eye and lifted his chin, sensing a problem.

“What’s the matter?”

“I just…” Your cheeks went hot. You licked your lips. “I can’t move.”

His gaze cast downward, to the place where you were joined. He took in the press of your thighs, the curve of your neck. He snorted.

“No, you can’t. C’mere, kid, I gotcha.” He planted that palm on your ass again, drawing your hips forward and up, as far as you could take them. Your head and neck bowed with the rest of your back as he draped your upper body over his chest and held you tightly against him.

Then he planted his feet and gave one good, deep thrust. Your innards gave a jerk. Oh, fuck.

“That’s it,” you panted into his ear. He nodded tensely.

“Yeah?” He prompted. “That’s workin’ for ya? Alright, alright. We’ve got this, kid, c’mon. Lemme show you somethin’ good, okay?”

One thrust sent you spiralling. But the rhythm that he dove into- steady, tough, fluid- sent every nerve through your body into meltdown. You were entirely incapable of dealing with such pleasure, combined with the emotions that swirled through your lovestruck brain.

It felt as though you had been holding out needlessly for all this time. Like all the hurt and frustration and heartbreak you shed over him would be evaporated, now that you understood that he wanted you like this, too.

Like that was all there was. You, Hawks, and the free love you could now share.

“I’m n-not-“ Keigo stuttered, piping up after a series of breathless pants and airy groans, “n-not gonna last much longer, kid, you’re… really gonna make me feel it.”

“Yeah,” you breathed back. You looped your arms tightly around his neck, tilting your hips forward. You could feel the barest hint of stimulation when your clit brushed his belly, so you leaned into it- aching for your own release.

His rhythm doubled as the intensity of your pleasure spiked dangerously high, and when you gripped him hard and rocked your hips in time with his, there was a low, warning pull that echoed all the way up to your throat. You were close. Very close.

Your head dropped backward and Keigo leaned forward, drawing his mouth up the vulnerable column of your throat. He panted hard and heavy against your pulse point.

“That’s it, kid, that’s fuckin’ it, baby, oh, God, I’m g-gonna f-fucking… I- shit, I- can’t… fffuck!”

Keigo let a vicious roar tear from his throat as he reached his vibrant peak. His erratic thrusts brought you to a tight little climax, too, and you clung to him and whined and rode through the pleasure as he fucked madly up inside you, spurting messy shots of cum into your depths.

Gravity took hold of his pleasure, dripping it onto his shaft and pooling it in a sloppy mess between you. And when it was all finally over, you collapsed against his body and you both stayed, airless and spent, wrapped tightly around one another.

It was the bright flash of headlights on the back of his neck that brought you to the surface, moments later.

The inside of the car was warm and stuffy and damp. Had you just come in from outside, you might have realized that it reeked of sex. Sweat and breath and fluid and feeling. The windows were near-opaque, fogged by the dampness of your lovemaking.

It was a moment you might have loved to capture, if you weren’t about to be so rudely interrupted.

The light in your rear windshield was bright white and flashing orange. Unmistakable.

“The tow truck,” you wheezed, scrambling off of Keigo’s lap. “Oh, fuck.”

“Get dressed,” he muttered weakly, already scrambling to get himself cleaned up and decent. He was far more dressed than you were, so you did your best to climb back into the passenger’s seat and slide back into your own clothes. You banged your shin hard on the center console, and your head on the ceiling as your body flailed in retaliation. You crumpled into the front seat and nearly kneed yourself in the mouth trying to scramble back into your pants.

By the time you climbed out of the car, fully dressed, with a few additional bruises, Hawks was already standing on the shoulder, talking to the driver. The driver was wagering a few guesses on what might be wrong with the car. Hawks’ eyes had already glazed over.

“Hey,” he greeted, as he spotted you emerging over his shoulder. He introduced you quietly to the driver before the ballcap-wearing, bearded man spoke again.

“Yeah,” he gruffed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll give you a lift to garage nearby. It’s kinda late, but he keeps weird hours. I bet he’ll take a look for you, it’s prob’ly an easy fix.”

“That sounds great,” you gushed, clasping your palms together. There was a lot of stiffness settling in around your hips and thighs. You couldn’t be sure if it was a result of the compromising position you’d nearly been discovered in or the whole lot of not moving you’d done for hours before that.

Either way, it felt good to stretch your legs.

“You c’n go ahead and hop in the back,” the driver directed, waving the key that Keigo had apparently already given him in indication. “I’ll get you hooked up, no problem.”

Keigo opened the truck door for you, and you climbed over the passenger’s seat into the back. He followed closely behind you, tugging the door shut and slouching into the opposite side.

You sat in silence; hands clasped between your knees. A confusing air settled between you.

You felt vulnerable and raw and moony. You wanted to hold his hand and curl up to him in the back seat. Kiss his cheeks and tell him how good it was, tell him how much you felt.

For you, though, it could never be that simple. There was no free love for heroes like you.

Pay later, always.

Keigo felt the weight of your gaze. He turned to meet your eyes and shot you a thin smile. You’d seen the look that he’d turned to hide from you, though.

The truck driver climbed into the front seat before words could pass between you. But you didn’t need to hear them to know what they were going to be.

You didn’t need a warning to understand what Monday morning at the agency was going to look like.

#hawks x reader #hawks #takami keigo x reader #takami keigo #hawks x you #takami keigo x you #boku no hero academia #mha fanfic #my hero academia #bnha fanfic

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funtimebunnyblog · 3 years

Note

Pillar men during their heat?

What will their s/o do?

Me: *opens my ask box and sees this*

My brain: *CARELESS WHISPER BLARES*

You got it Anon! 😘🥰😇 Big stronk Himbos feeling the big feelings coming right up!

Pillarmen (separate) in heat and their s/o's reaction...

(Under the cut for length!)

Kars:

• On the norm, Kars wasn't overly affectionate with you.

• Sure, he had his times; like when he would put an arm around you when sitting on the couch or when he held you in his lap on occasion while he worked.

• You'd also get rewarded with some sweet little kisses during your daily routines.

• But really, he wasn't really a clingy creature...

• Well... not until his heat strikes, that is.

• When undergoing heat, oh boy, this hulking Pillarman's cold and collected demeanor practically melts away to reveal a cuddly, purring kitten.

• The first time he underwent his heat cycle around you, you knew something was definitely different... yet you couldn't place what.

• "Kars, I have to get ready for wooork..." you whined softly, squirming in his hold under the covers.

• Normally, when you woke up he would already have left to do some work of his own or you two would exchange some loving words and kisses for a brief moment before getting up to start the day.

• But this morning you were pleasantly surprised to wake up to him clinging to you, humming and peppering your face and shoulders with soft kisses.

• You honestly didn't want to ruin such a moment, most especially when it was such a sweet cuddly moment with Kars, but you had been laying here with him for over an hour and you really had to go or else you'd be late!

• The Pillarman only held you tighter in his arms, curling around you almost protectively and nuzzling into your neck; your protests and pushing were helpless against him.

• "Hmmm, no need." He hummed, a tendril of curly violet hair tickled your nose as he snuggled you in his vice-like embrace. "I already called in for you, dear one."

• Needless to say, he wasn't letting you go anywhere anytime soon.

• Another thing; Kars wasn't a man to beg (for anything at all really) most especially attention.

• From ANYONE.

• Usually, he was the one laying back with a smirk; lavishing in any and all of your pleas to have him hold YOU and him give YOU attention.

• He just found it absolutely delicious when someone became needy over him; being not only a gorgeous man but a ruler and Ultimate lifeform as well; your pleas for his touch only fed his ego.

• However, when Kars was in heat, he almost became a completely different person.

• "Kars, please, I just need to get these dishes done first..." you sighed, trying to focus as you were elbow deep in dishware and suds.

• The gargantuan Pillarman clinging to your back and nuzzling you did nothing to help as you tried to complete the task.

• "Oh come now, please? Please, can we snuggle on the couch? I'll put on your favourite show~" he whined, the vibrations of his chest sent trembles down your spine as he begged.

• "After dishes," You told him, trying to be firm but crumbling. "Pleeeeease, beloved one? I haven't seen you all day, my sunshine, and I've missed you so~ We can finish them later, together~" Kars hummed, digging his nose deeper into your neck.

• You were honesty starting to fear he had been replaced with an imposter of some kind.

• KARS SUS

• It becomes obvious to him that you're not understanding what'sgoing on and it's not long after when Kars follows his natural urges and gets to building a suitable nest.

• If you didn't understand his madness before, he fully intended to make you with this.

• You come Home from work one afternoon to find the Livingroom essentially turned into one giant blanket fort; pillows laid strewn about across the cushioned floor.

• The most notable thing about it all was the Pillarmen laying in the midst of all of it... in all his glory.

• "Come and join me, dearest~" he purred, gazing at you through hungry crimson eyes as you stood there gawking in the doorway. "I've been waiting~"

• Even though you still don't understand, this time you find you can't refuse him. Definitely not while he's licking his lips like that...

• You'll have to call in to work again tomorrow ;)

Esidisi:

• When Esidisi undergoes one of his heat cycles, it's best described that he becomes a hot mess.

• Even more of a hot mess than usual that is...

• The man was already a very emotional person but somehow, he became even more emotional when in heat.

• You started to suspect something was wrong with him when you came downstairs one morning only to be immediately met with a spine cracking embrace and a flood of tears.

• He was going on a sobbing rant about how he was so happy to spend his mornings with you, his Mate, and that you were wonderful in every way and the very light of his life.

• Normally, he only got this emotional when watching Cat videos.

• You also couldn't help but notice that he's burning even hotter than his usual warmth.

• Normally, he just felt like one big muscular electric blanket; radiating a comfortable warmth. But now he felt something akin to the scalding blast of heat that hits you in the face when opening the door to an oven.

• You practically had to wear oven mitts to lay hands on him now.

• You couldn't shake the feeling something was definitely off about him when he started leaving you little gifts lying around.

• The things he left ranged from clothing to food to trinkets and just general things you liked; all for you!

• Not to mention the fact he was being extra sweet, going out of his way to give you lots of kisses and loving, and even cooking you more meals and doing all of the chores.

• You appreciated the sentiment of it all but really, you were quite puzzled as to why he was putting so much investment in you. It wasn't a Holiday or your Birthday or anything...

• Little did you know you were also puzzling him.

• You were supposed to be taking interest in him!

• In his eyes, he was dropping obvious hints to his cycle; he took your confusion and lack of response to all of his offerings as somewhat of a rejectment and that actually hurt him enough to make him cry a little...

• He decides then that there's only one more thing he can do... he'll put together a most excellent nest for you! The best nest you'd ever seen!

• "Esidisi?" "Hmm?" He turned to look at you, doe-eyed, arms suspended in the air as he laid out another blanket on top of the growing pile.

• You were Home from work early and he still had much work to do yet!

• "What are you doing?" You questioned with a raised eyebrow. Not only was he rearranging your whole room, he had covered the entire space with blankets and pillows.

• He had even gone so far as to thoroughly douse the area in the perfume/cologne you always wore.

• "I'm making us a nest." He says, almost matter of factly. When you ask him why he's doing that, it floors him.

• Did you seriously not understand?! This entire time?!

• After he sits you down and explains himself, everything clicks with you and you actually feel terrible for not understanding sooner.

• You didn't realize his kind underwent natural cycles like this...

• You ask him if you can finish building the nest together, if this had to be done you wanted to help and have it be done right.

• His heart absolutely soars at your offer, making him teary eyed as he nods eagerly.

• However, you barely get the chance to finish it before you're both putting it to good use ;)

Wamuu:

• Throughout his many years living, Wamuu had always viewed his heat cycle as more of a distraction than anything; even though it was a completely natural phenomenon for the Pillarmen race.

• He had much difficulty focusing on training or fighting at all when it happened, making him feel quite useless.

• He always felt too mushy and needy during this time; things he viewed as shameful to see in him when he was supposed to be presenting himself to peers and enemies as a powerful foe.

• When heat struck, the Pillarman would simply hole himself up in his chamber, enduring the entirety of the cycle alone until it was over and done with.

• Eventually, when it passed and he was feeling his normal self he could go out again.

• However... things had changed now that you, his Mate, were thrown into the equation.

• You definitely knew something was different about him when it all started.

• On the norm, Wamuu was strong and he was a man to stand his ground as any proud, battle-hardened Warrior should.

• But when his heat struck... Wamuu became quite flighty.

• It seemed like the littlest of things would have him fleeing from the room; often in a blushing mess.

• He couldn't even sit through a simple kissing scene in a movie you two had been watching the other night.

• "Wamuu, what--" You blinked owlishly as a HUGE bouquet of red roses was pushed into your arms suddenly. It was as if he had picked you an entire field of them!

• "Flowers for you!" He said quickly, practically yelling, before taking off; out of the room and up the stairs. You couldn't see the flaming red in his face from over the massive bundle of flowers he had dumped on you.

• You couldn't help but realize he had a hard time to look you in the eye anymore. In fact, he seemed to break into a sweat if you even did something as little as touch him.

• You were seriously starting to worry that something was wrong with him.

• He on the other hand wasn't sure whether you wanted him or not during his heat and he was scared to act on his primal impulses.

• Usually, he liked to spend his free time with you watching TV or helping you around the household but he was spending more time upstairs, away from you; specifically in the spare room.

• You also took notice that there were a lot of blankets and pillows around the house missing but you didn't really focus on that as you were more worried about Wamuu and his strange behavior.

• After a few days of this, you decided to confront him.

• However, he got to you first; coming downstairs and sheepishly taking your hand, asking you to follow him.

• Wamuu had given into his primal instincts and had spent the last few days perfecting a nest for you both up in the spare room.

• You thought it was an impressive feat; he had turned the entire room into one big cushy and comfy heaven... but you didn't really understand why he had done this.

• Wamuu's eyes go huge when you ask him why. Did... Did Humans do such things for their Mates?

• HAD HE BEEN GOING ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG?!

• Poor Wamuu has to sit down and explain it all to you; his off behavior, most importantly the matter of you, the meaning of creating a nest and the cyles of his race behind it all...

• To his relief; you're very understanding and, even more to his relief, intrigued.

• Needless to say however, you and Wamuu don't leave the nest for a good little while afterward ;)

Santana:

• Much like Wamuu, Santana had often spent his years enduring his heat cycles in isolation.

• Nobody would see hide or hair of Santana from before it happened until the very end.

• The day before it struck he would simply pack up and leave to God-knows-where and stay there; sometimes he wouldn't even tell the others he was leaving.

• That being said; nobody (not even the other Pillarmen) knew what exactly Santana was like during the time of his heat cycle.

• Until you came along that was.

• You were Santana's Mate; the only proper reason for him to stay put when undergoing his heat.

• You'll begin to notice subtle changes, like the fact that Santana seems just a little more alert; attentive even.

• He brings you things before you even know that you want them; like snacks when you're starting to feel hungry or the cup of coffee you enjoy at noon.

• Somehow, he just seems to know.

• You'll also notice his fascination with your clothes or specifically the scent you leave on them.

• "Are you cold, Santana?" You question with a frown. Not only was he wearing your favorite hoodie, he was also wearing the baggy old T-Shirt you wore yesterday.

• Which was strange, as you knew Santana didn't really like clothing aside from the loincloth he wore.

• They were almost comically small on him, despite them being big clothes for you.

• He hummed, burying his face in the baggy neck of the hoodie; he felt as if he was surrounded by a Heavanly warm cloud of just you. "Hmmm, no."

• Surprisngly, it doesn't take long into the cycle for him to start constructing a nest.

• He takes things from all over the house; blankets, pillows, cushions, any stuffed animals or huggable plushies you have lying about, etc.

• Even if you happen to be sitting on them the moment he wants to add them to the growing pile upstairs, he just walks up and wordlessly takes them and then squirrels them away.

• If you happen to confront him on it, don't expect him to give you a detailed answer.

• "Santana, why are you taking the couch cushions?" "Because." "Because why?" "Because I have need of them." "Ok. Why do you need them?" "Because." "Because...?" "Just because." "Just because?" "Yes."

• Once his nest is all made up and deemed fit for you he goes looking for you.

• If you happen to be busy doing anything in the moment where he finds you, too bad.

• He just simply walks up and picks you up, squirreling you away to the nest like everything else as you were the most important thing to go in it.

• The explanation of everything can come later, much MUCH later; now was the time for action ;)

#funnybunny #pillarmen #kars #esidisi #wamuu #santana #pillarmen headcanons #kars x reader #esidisi x reader #wamuu x reader #santana x reader #my writing #anon ask

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staticscreenwriting · 3 years

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Traditions || Bucky Barnes

My entry for day 3 of our Christmas Calendar. Find all the information here. We’d love for you to join us.

Summary: Bucky and Reader are stuck in New York during Christmas Eve but refuse to give up on their Christmas traditions. And while some need to be changed a little, it doesn’t make them any less magical.

Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.

New York is buried under a thick blanket of snow. It fills the streets and it flurries through the air. It turns the world into a scene straight from a Hallmark movie or a postcard.

And while for some it might be some kind of magical Christmas miracle, to (Y/N) it’s the absolute nightmare. The definite worst-case scenario. Because it means there will be no flights. No flights now. No flights in time for Christmas. No flights home.

“ What’s got you looking so down in the dumps? “ Bucky’s voice cuts through the for of perpetual sadness surrounding her.

Sharing an apartment with Bucky is nice. It’s quiet and calm and comforting. It’s coffee waiting for her every morning and her takeout order remembered by heart. It’s oldies playing from the radio at a volume not loud enough to be annoying but just loud enough for her to hear. It’s midnight snacks sitting on the counter and talking about life and its secrets and tragedies. It’s hugs when you don’t ask for them but desperately need them. It’s a shoulder to cry on you didn’t know you needed.

Bucky is a wonderful roommate. If it wasn’t for the way he makes her heart beat just a little too fast every time his bright blue eyes meet hers. If it wasn’t for the flutter in her tummy when his laughter sounds through the halls of their shared apartment.

Bucky is a wonderful roommate. He would be an even better one if she wasn’t so fucking in love with him.

“ It’s still snowing. “

“ You love snow. “ Bucky exclaims as he plops down next to her on the red couch they bought together and carried it through half of New York because neither of them owns a car.

“ I do. When I don’t have to be anywhere. If it keeps snowing like that my flight will be canceled. Hell, it probably already is, I don’t have the guts to check. “

“ Yeah, mine got canceled a few hours ago. “

His flight to Louisiana. To see Sam and Sarah and the boys and spend Christmas with his found family. The one he confessed to her one night he’s not sure he fits in quite right. But the one he’s so thankful for anyway. Because when you spend so much of your life fighting wars that aren’t yours. When you are merely a pawn in a game of bigger men, it means the world to be chosen. Chosen to be loved. To be a part of a family.

At the way her eyes gloss over with unshed tears, Bucky clears his throat and, in a voice meant to sound reassuring he says “ but who knows, yours might still go. I mean, hope dies last. Right? “

“ That’s love. “

“ What? “

“ Love dies last. When the world comes to an end and everything crumbles and breaks and we fall apart. The last thing to die is love. When faced with the end, we turn to what we love and we hold onto it for as long as possible and then some. Love dies last. “

Bucky regards her with a glint in his eyes she can’t name. It’s like a spark of magic has just fallen from her lips and he tries to rationalize it in his head. But maybe it’s just her imagination. Maybe it’s just her brain trying to romanticize everyone and everything around her.

“ Okay wow, “ Bucky says and the corner of his lips raises into a smile “ I guess living with a writer puts things in perspective sometimes, huh? That’s a real nice thought. “

“ Is it? “

“ Yeah, cause if nothing else we’ll still have love. Right ?”

Maybe it’s a challenge, she thinks. To say the right thing. To make a move. To do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. His eyes are on her and her alone and there’s a static in the air like rubbing a balloon against your hair. And he looks like an angel in the dim light of the fairy lights blinking from the window. And if life was a movie this would be the moment the leads would kiss and life would be beautiful and maybe they’d add an acoustic version of some 80s love song sung by a young female indie artist.

But when she finds the words and they fall from her lips, not like magic but like icicles, there’s no indie song and no kiss and no falling in love montage. “ Right.”

All there is, is the notification sound of her phone and the small writing saying “all flights canceled” and the sound of her heart breaking.

“ That was hope dying. “

Bucky doesn’t reply, just pulls her close and places a soft kiss against her hair. And maybe that’s all he has to do. Hold her close and keep her warm and maybe let her get lost in those sweet sweet daydreams where this is more than a hug and more than a friendship.

“ I’m sorry. But hey, means we get to spend Christmas together. And let me tell you, I can think of worse people to spend my first Christmas with since the ‘40s.”

“ It’s your first Christmas since the 1940s? “

Bucky shrugs and she’s sure she can see a blush of pink dust his cheeks “ I was a bit preoccupied after … “

“ Oh, we’re gonna make this your best Christmas! Tell me about the Christmases you had before. What do you remember? What was your favorite part? I want to make this a good one for you. I want you to be happy. “

“ I am happy, “ he says, not a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“ Tell me anyway. “

“Let me think about it for a second. “ he agrees and pulls her just a little closer.

Bucky’s memories are a bit of a haze. It’s what happens when people mess with your head too much, when they literally rewire your brain.

It’s not that he doesn’t remember, he does, some of the memories are clear as day, it’s just that it takes him a little longer to pull those pictures up in his mind. The big moments come easier, the little things take a little longer.

There’s the perpetual smell of baked goods settling in his heart as it settled all around their home during the Christmas time of his youth. The laughter of his mother and his sisters echoes through his memories as they turn into the halls of his childhood home. Candlelight dims the rooms and dips them into a golden glow. There's roasted chicken in the oven and some weird jello concoction in the fridge for dessert. Christmas dinners at the Barnes’ household were special because mom and dad allowed them to be. It was the one time of the year where dad would buy the expensive champagne for him and mom and fancy juice for the kids. Where the fridge was filled to the brim with not only the necessary goods but with chocolate and salmon and cured meat platters.

“ On Christmas eve, “ Bucky begins to recall, “ dad would bring a Christmas tree. We weren’t really in the situation to afford one but someone he was that good of a talker he never ended up paying for them. My old man could charm the last dollar out of everyone’s pocket. “

Her lips lift into a smile. Sometimes, she thinks, the apple really doesn’t fall that far from the tree. It’s something Bucky isn’t entirely aware of, not all the time. Just how goddamn charming he is. With his eyes the blue of a perfect summer sky and that smile that could light up an entire town.

“ Yeah in my family the tree was also something my dad would take care of. And I swear the man never actually looked at the trees before he bought them. But it was always fun to try and make the best of those horrible hedges he brought home. Dad and the kids would decorate the tree and mom would make us hot chocolate and gingerbread cookies. “

“ That sounds lovely. “ Bucky speaks up. Her eyes, he notices, shine with the longing for a time long gone. For the familiarity of a Christmas at home. For traditions and memories made during her entire lifetime. And then, they fill with tears.

“ Hey what’s wrong? “

“ We don’t have a tree. '' she chokes out in between big tears as they pearl down her cheeks. “ It’s Christmas and we don’t have a tree. “

Neither of them saw it necessary to spend money on a tree when they hadn’t planned to stay at the apartment either. In retrospect, Bucky thinks he should’ve just bought one anyway. Because he knows how much it means to her. The tree and the tinsel and the whole shebang.

He hates seeing her sad though. It breaks his damn heart. If there’s even the smallest chance for him to put a smile back on her face, he’ll take it. Everything for the woman he — well the woman he — loves.

“ Technically we have a tree. “

“ Huh? No, we don’t. “

“ Yeah, we do! “ Bucky exclaims and points to the corner of their shared living room “ It’s just not a traditional Christmas tree. “

And she laughs and his heart soars a little.

“ You want to decorate the ficus? “

“ Why not? “ Bucky shrugs and pulls both of them off the couch and onto their feet. “ We’re both not getting the Christmas we’re used to so why not make our own traditions? “

“ That sounds kinda sweet. “

“ It does, right? What did you guys usually eat on Christmas eve? “

“ Honey glazed ham. “

Bucky screws his lips up in disappointment then looks over towards their open kitchen “ that’s not happening but we have microwave burritos in the freezer. “

The sadness in her eyes isn’t gone but she smiles at him and that’s a little win in his book. She looks like a vision in the dimming light of the night rushing in and the Christmas lights throwing their colorful hues onto the walls and the floor.

“ And I think we still have some Swiss Miss in the cupboard. How about you get the lights and the decoration and I’ll prepare our Christmas eve dinner? “

Bucky pulls her close once again and places another kiss on her hair. Just because. Just because it feels nice to see her smile and go along with his plan. Just because he wants to.

“ Sounds good to me. “

A few minutes later, just as Bucky sets down the plastic box holding Christmas lights and tree ornaments, the opening chords of Darlene Love’s “Christmas (Baby please come home)” start echoing through the apartment, coming from the radio in the kitchen.

Leaning against the doorway, Bucky can’t help the smile taking over his entire face and the warmth spreading in his heart as he catches sight of her as she’s stirring the cocoa powder in the mugs all the while dancing along to the music in her fluffy socks and her oversized sweater.

“ You having fun there? “

“ Honestly? Yeah … a little. “

He’s seen the smile before. The one she grants him right then, with her hair a bit messy and her sweater falling down her right shoulder and her eyes stained with tears still.

He’s seen the same smile on a different face at a different time. When the Christmas tree was set up and the chicken had been eaten. When the candles filled the room with their golden light. When hearts felt warm and shoulders light. When there was no pain, no suffering, no hurt or sadness or fear. Everyone felt the same thing even though no one would or could put it into words. This was what Christmas was about. Love.

He’s seen the same smile in the face of his mother when his dad held out his hand to her and she would blush and take it anyway. And he’d rest his hand on her hip and sway them from side to side and every once in a while he’d twirl her and pull her close again. And his mother would look at his father with the most love in his eyes he’s ever seen in another person. With a twinkle that said “this is right where I am meant to be. This is my home. This is my heart. Truthfully and entirely. “

Bucky remembers so well because this is what made him believe in love. In this all-consuming power that makes it all worth it. The pain and the fear and the sadness. It all meant nothing when compared to the love his parents held for each other.

Maybe she’s right, Bucky thinks, maybe love is the last thing to die. Maybe it still clings to our hearts and our memories when everything else is long forgotten.

The next hour is spent throwing lights on the ficus and balancing sparkly ornaments on its flimsy branches. It’s ridiculous and a little bit silly but the smile on both their faces make up for it.

“It looks - “

“Perfectly imperfect.” She finishes his sentence. And maybe, Bucky thinks, maybe she’s right.

“ Like us. “

He doesn’t think there’s anything imperfect about her. Not in his eyes. Even the parts that should be annoying, the quirks, and the shortcomings. He loves them all. They make her her. In all her damn perfection.

“ It’s not the Rockefeller Center Tree but it’s a close second, don’t you think? “

“ You know I’ve actually been at the first-ever tree lighting in 1933. “

“ Really? “

“ Mmmh. “

“ Was it so magical ?”

It was, he remembers. So many sparkling lights. Even now it's a sight he hasn’t grown tired of, but back then it was extra special. There hadn’t been anything like it in such a public setting it was — magical.

Though even the sparkle of all of those lights on the big tree could not match the sparkle of her eyes and the way she enchants him with every single smile.

The ding of the microwave breaks the moment and pulls the two of them back to reality.

“ Sounds like our dinner is ready. “

“ Sounds like it. You ready to feast, m’lady? “

“ Oh of course good sir, let me get the good dishes and the fancy glasses. We’re dining in style tonight. “

As the snow continues to fall softly outside, Bucky and she are perched on the couch, plates balancing on their knees as the fancy crystal wine glasses are filled to the brim with coca-cola and resting on the table before them.

“ That’s not the version I remember, “ Bucky exclaims as he nods his head towards the tv before taking a bite from the microwave burrito.

“ I couldn’t find the 1938 version. This is basically the same.”

“ There’s a rat, Cratchit is played by a frog and Dickens is — I’m not even sure what that is.”

“ It’s Gonzo and he’s great. Just trust me, you’ll love this one. “

She rests her head against his shoulder after those words tumble from her lips and Bucky is sure, by the way his heart starts beating faster, that he’d watch every and any movie if it means he can hold her this close. If it makes her happy.

“ I watch this movie every Christmas eve. I’m glad it’s one tradition we can continue this year. “

He hopes that maybe he can become part of her traditions. Part of her life in a way other than just being her roommate. He hopes that this year a tiny Christmas miracle can be spared on him. One that makes a little room for him in her heart.

“It's in the singing of a street corner choir It's going home and getting warm by the fire It's true where ever you find love It feels like Christmas”

As the puppets and, for some reason, one human man dance across the screen and sing about how Christmas is a feeling and a place, how it’s not the traditions themselves, it’s the meaning of them, the people you share them with, the love with which they are created, that’s when Bucky feels her cuddling even closer to him. So close there’s barely a way to tell where he stops and she begins.

And it’s true.

The same love that filled the room during the Christmases of his youth, it’s present today. His heart feels soft and warm and happy. And for the first time in a long time, Bucky doesn’t let regret or fear take over and taint the moment. Right now it’s all love and nothing else.

There’s another tradition he wants to honor. One that isn’t entirely his own. One he holds so close to his heart though because it was the moment he knew what love was supposed to look like.

It’s midnight when he gently shakes her shoulder waking her from her peaceful sleep against his form. He doesn’t want to, really. Not when she seems so happy and comfortable cuddled up to him. But this tradition asks for her to be awake.

“Whut? What is it? “ she murmurs and wipes the sleep from her beautiful eyes.

“ Come here, “ he says and holds out his hand. And though she doesn’t know what’s going on, she takes his hand anyway. No hesitation. Just trust.

And so he starts softly swaying them across the room, dressed in their Pajamas, as the tune of White Christmas echoes through the apartment.

“ My parents had a tradition. Every Christmas eve they’d put on a record at exactly midnight and they’d slow dance by the Christmas tree and my dad would hold my mom close and he’d say, ‘Darlin, there isn’t any other person in the world I’d rather spend my Christmas with. ‘ and us kids we would always sneak out of our beds and watch them. Other kids waited for Santa and we just wanted to watch our parents dance because they loved each other so much and it gave us so much hope for the future. “

“ That is the sweetest thing in the world. I want what they had “ she says and gently strokes the hair at the back of his neck.

“ I want that too, “ Bucky admits, “ and I want it with you. I know this Christmas isn’t what you wished for but I can honestly say that there isn’t any other person in the world I’d rather decorate a ficus with or eat microwave burritos with from fancy plates and watch puppet frogs sing Christmas songs. I’m in love with you, Darlin’ “

“ I think we should add another tradition to our celebration, “ she says and rests her hand on his chest.

“ What’s that? “

“ A Christmas kiss. “

The snow continues falling outside and the fairy lights glimmer and Bing Crosby sings about treetops and sleigh bells and Christmas cards.

And Bucky gets to kiss the girl he’s been dreaming of for so long now. And while the earth doesn’t start spinning and time doesn’t stop, there’s still a certain kind of magic that settles upon the two of them.

“I’m in love with you, Bucky Barnes. Merry Christmas. “

“ And merry Christmas to you, my sweet girl. I love you too. “

As they hold each other close, they can’t help but agree with the wise words of none other than the muppets.

It truly does feel like Christmas wherever you find love.

And love, as they have learned, truly does persist.

#Bucky Barnes x reader #Bucky Barnes x female!reader #Bucky Barnes x female reader #Bucky Barnes x f!reader #Bucky Barnes imagine #Bucky Barnes Fanfiction #Bucky Barnes fanfic #marvel fanfiction #Marvel imagine #Marvel fanfic #winter solider x reader #winter solider fanfiction #winter soldier x female reader #ChristmasCreationCalendar2021

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sweetestofchaos · 2 years

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Doyoung of NCT’s wife gets kidnapped by an ex-boyfriend and Doyoung takes matters into his own hands. - SFW - Cursing - Y/N gets hit - Doyoung kicks some ass - Baby isn’t harmed ~ 1.5K

Part One

“Sir you need to calm down.”

“No. You need to get your ass up and look for my pregnant wife!” Doyoung is seeing red as he glares at the two officers in front of him. He has been sitting at the police station for over an hour and no one has made a single move to look for Y/N. They are acting like the possibility of Y/N being taking is slim to none. They are joking around saying that maybe Y/N just wanted some space or has a side piece that Doyoung doesn’t know about…if he could strangle them all he would.

“Sir,” Officer Yoon sighs as he rubs at his temples. “I do not like to repeat myself. We have taken your statement and we have the location of your wife. Following the standard protocol, if she doesn’t come home by this time tomorrow, then we will go and look for her. However, until then my hands are tied.”

Doyoung shakes his head and stands, “You’re all useless! What don’t you understand huh? O-or is it that you could care less because my wife is black?” A vein in the officer’s neck throbs at Doyoung’s words and Doyoung scoffs, “Disgusting…and you call yourself a man of the law.” Grabbing the photo of Y/N off the officer’s desk, Doyoung storms out of the precinct and rushes to his car. “Hold on babies, I’m coming.” Doyoung stares down at the candid photo of Y/N that he had taking, and tears prick his eyes. “Just hold on a little longer.”

You have no idea where you are. You just know that the place smells like saw dust and fresh dirt; it makes you sneeze a lot. Your eyes feel sore and heavy from crying, your capture took away your phone and refused to speak to you. He wore a mask, so you couldn’t see his face, just the simmering hate that seemed to burn in his eyes every time he looked at your stomach. A shiver goes down your spin as you bite back a sob. Is this how you die? Will your baby never get to see the light of day? A new wave of tears threatens to fall as you think about your child. How happy was Doyoung when you told him the news of your pregnancy? How much time did he spend kissing your stomach and whispering sweet words to your baby? How many feathers light kisses and heated touched graced your body as Doyoung show you his endless love and affection?

Footsteps pull you from your thoughts and the door to the room you are locked in opens reviling your kidnapper. From the doorway, you spot a bag of fast food in the man’s hands, and you stomach rumbles. The man walks farther into the room and drops the bag down in front of you, “Eat.” You shake your head, you’ve seen enough kdramas in your lifetime to know not to trust any food a stranger gives you. The man glares down at you and grunts as he squats down to your level. “Eat…please?” That voice…where have you heard it before? You stare at the man and his glare softens just a little, “I got your favorite.”

You glance down at the bag, it’s the logo from a restaurant that you haven’t gone to in a while. You rake your mind for how this guy could know you use to eat there and then it clicks, “Min Taejin?” The man’s eyes widen and before you can say anything else he hurries out the room and locks the door. You stare at the door in shock. No. No, there’s no way your ex-boyfriend would kidnap you. That only happens in movies. Your stomach rumbles again and you glance down at the food in front of you…sighing, you open the bag and pull out the pad Thai along with spicy crab dumplings. Leaning against the wall, you dig in and soon after fall sleep.

Doyoung turns his headlights off as he gets closer to his destination. The GPS took him into a new development that is still under construction but had been put on hold due to lack of funding. He parks his car a few houses down once he spots a car in the driveway of what looks to be a completed house. Doyoung reaches over in the passenger seat and grabs his crowbar before he looks down at his phone one last time. There is a text message from damn near all the members of NCT along with his manager, but he ignores them. He told them all that something was wrong with Y/N and he was going to get her; if they didn’t hear back from him in an hour they needed to contact the police right away.

Stepping out the car, Doyoung pulls his mask over his mouth and nose, hiding most of his face before he shuts the door behind him, locking it. Shoving his keys into his back pocket, Doyoung walks down the street with the crowbar held tightly in his hand. As he reaches the house, he stares at the car parked in the driveway and clicks his tongue. Digging into his front pocket, Doyoung pulls out a switchblade and makes quick work of slashing all four tires. If whoever took Y/N thought they were going to make it out of here, they thought wrong. Putting the blade back into his pocket, Doyoung makes his way around the back of the house and peaks into the window. There is a light on somewhere in the house and Doyoung can hear someone yelling. A scream pierces the air and Doyoung’s body moves on autopilot. He kicks open the door, pushing the upper half off its hinges while the lower half hangs askew.

“Y/N?!” Doyoung calls your name and tears stream down your throbbing face. Taejin lost his temper the moment you told him to go fuck himself. The moment you called him crazy and delusional, he snapped, and it felt like he gave you whiplash from how hard he smacked you. Doyoung takes the steps two at a time, following the sounds of your screams. “Y/N!” It must be a cruel joke for your mind to make you hear Doyoung’s voice at this time. You protect your stomach from Taejin’s blows, leaving your face and chest open to his wild hits. You have no strength to fight him, the fear of hurting your baby holds you back as you put your all into saving the life inside you.

Taejin wraps his hands around your throat, and you panic, tears spilling from your eyes as you cry for Doyoung. You pray to whatever God can hear you, please save your baby. “P-please…” You beg with what little air is left in your lungs as you dig your nails into the back of Taejin’s hands. Your vision starts to spot and before you pass out the bedroom door flies open. Taejin drops you in shock as he stares wide eyes at Doyoung, your husband. Taejin grunts as he picks himself off the ground and stands in front of you.

Doyoung clicks his tongue and tightens his grip on the crowbar, “I’m going to fucking kill you!” Doyoung and Taejin lung at each other, each trying to kill the other. You gasp for air, drinking in lungful after lungful trying to steady your rapidly beating heart. The sounds of skin hitting skin makes your stomach churn and then you feel the food you ate earlier make its way back up when you hear the clear sound of bone breaking followed by Taejin’s screams. “Cover your eyes!” Doyoung orders and you quickly pull yourself into the smallest ball you can manage, closing your eyes and covering your ears. You try to block out Taejin’s screams and Doyoung shouts of hatred, but it’s hard. Everything is so loud…until it’s silent.

“Keep your eyes closed,” Doyoung’s voice is soft and out of breath as he walks away from Taejin’s broken body. The man isn’t dead, but he’s barely breathing, slowly suffocating on his own blood as he lays unconscious. Wiping his hands on his jeans, Doyoung tries his best to clean his hands before he touches you. He doesn’t want to taint your body with Taejin’s blood…Taking a deep breath, Doyoung kneels down before you and wraps you in his arms. Tears soak his shirt as you cry into his chest, your fingers gripping the damp material to ground yourself. Blood…the scent is strong on Doyoung and it strangely puts your mind at ease. Doyoung projected you and your baby, Taejin can’t hurt you anymore.

“We need to get you to the hospital-”

“N-no!” You shake your head and Doyoung frowns. “They will think you did it. Call my personal doctor, yeobo, please?”

Doyoung weighs his options and sighs as he helps you to your feet, “I’ll be right by your side, okay? I won’t leave you alone.” Doyoung sweeps you off your feet and nuzzles his nose against yours. “Sorry I came so late.” Tears spill from your eyes and Doyoung shakes his head, “No. No more tears, baby.” His lips touch yours as the kiss is filled with the silent vow to protect you, always.

#where you at #soc doyoung #nct doyoung #kpop ambw #interracial relationship #kidnapping #black!reader #soc requests #exqueuese me

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astaroth1357 · 4 years

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The Obey Me Cast on a Camping Trip (Part One: Brothers)

Hey guys, thank you sooo much for getting me to 2,000 followers!! I honestly don’t know what to say... I never dreamed that this little hobby of mine would reach so many eyes, and I can’t be more grateful. At a time in my life where things feel so chaotic and uncertain, being a part of this community and sharing my weird ideas has been what’s kept me going. It’s been such a rewarding experience all around, so thank you. From the bottom of my heart. 😊

I pulled out all the stops for this post. I even brought out one of my favorite songs of all time: Ao to Natsu by Mrs. GREEN APPLE to get the feel juuust right. I hope you all enjoy it!

This post is split in two due to length (I had too much fun again...) For the Undateables, please click HERE!

Intro:

Another day, another team building activity between the demons and the exchange students. It was Diavolo’s idea to go on a camping trip to the human world (because of course it was), and there were very… mixed responses. That sentiment wasn’t helped when he refused Lucifer’s insistent pleas to just purchase cabins for everyone to stay in. Oh no, the Demon Lord wanted to rough it out in the wilderness, and now everyone else was getting dragged along with him…

Wonder how that turned out?

Lucifer

Really, really, really tried to push Diavolo to just rent out cabins in but noooo, he wasn’t having it... So he ended up driving a van crammed with his brothers, the MC, and a butt-ton of camping equipment into the Alaskan wilderness…

The car ride itself was insufferable… We’re talking, “I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND!!” level of antics every 10 miles or so (mostly from Mammon)…

Setting up camp was even more of a nightmare because about half of his brothers were utterly useless. The other half (save Satan) were completely clueless… Had it not been for Barbatos and Satan he probably would have just resigned himself to the mercy of the river’s currents and let it take him away…

He couldn’t even wear his usual clothes because of the situation… For the first time in who knows how many centuries, he was stuck wearing jeans… Diavolo even bought him several plaid shirts... (which he was not happy with btw because his brother wouldn’t stop making fun of the “new” him)

He had his own tent of decent-size, enough to move around in but nothing to write home about. The very fact he didn’t have to share was a luxury in itself, so he took it for what it was worth...

He spent a good portion of the trip focused on two things: keeping Diavolo happy and everybody else alive. He rarely left camp unless forced to; he just wanted to get it all over with as soon as possible…

If he did leave, it was because Diavolo would drag him along to fish or hike. He was... less than pleased to be called out of his tent at the crack of dawn or well past dusk to sit on a little rented fishing boat with Diavolo… but he didn’t exactly pick his friends so...

He rates the trip Too Much Trouble/10. Let’s never do it again.

Mammon

Wasn’t a massive fan of being stuck out in the wild, but Satan told him some made-up bullshit about buried treasure out in the forest and got him HOOKED. He even borrowed stole a whole bunch of mining/digging equipment just for the occasion!

He spent most of the car ride asking, “Are we there yet??” like a child. The MC had to step in to keep Lucifer from leaving him on the side of the road at multiple points during the journey...

He was one of the utterly useless ones when it came to setting up camp. Someone charged him with putting up the twin’s tent, and he spent thirty minutes reading (then re-reading) the instructions while shouting expletives. Poor Simeon had to shield Luke from the vulgarity…

He has to share a tent with Levi, which neither of them liked. Mammon mainly because of Levi’s “old fish stink” and Levi because he feared catching “Mammon’s stupid.”

He was all jazzed up to go digging from Day One, though. He’d have breakfast, grab his shovel, then wander out into the middle of nowhere to go dig holes in the ground…

He also got completely lost on Day One, and it took the MC summoning him with their pact to return him to the group... By that time, he was filthy and somehow looked like he had been castaway for days (even though he was gone for like, three hours?)

When he stubbornly refused to stop digging, Lucifer resorted to just tying a rope around his ankle and letting him loose. It was up to Mammon to get back to camp before dinner, or else Lucifer would yank him back like he was on a leash.

Satan waited until the last day to finally tell Mammon the treasure was bullshit, and he was PISSED. He even threw Satan into the river, which resulted in the rest of the brothers joining in for a swim while the two tried to “playfully” drown each other.

He’d rate this trip 0/10 because he didn’t get any buried treasure. What a ripoff…

Leviathan

Hated the idea with a burning, seething passion. There’s no internet, cable, electricity, or phone signal out in the middle of nowhere! How the heck is an otaku supposed to survive?!

He clung to his electronics during the car ride until either they ran out of signal or their battery died, then he didn’t know what to do with himself… He resorted to reading several volumes of the manga he stuffed into his bag and clung to the MC for emotional support…

Yet another useless soul trying to put the camp together. He was in charge of his and Mammon’s tent but ended up almost crying in frustration… How the hell do humans do this all on their own?? Wasn’t he supposed to be the third strongest?! Why is he so pathetic?!? 😫

Hates sharing a tent with Mammon because he always wakes up to the second born encroaching on his space somehow… Poor baby is pretty much directly against the tent wall and STILL has to deal with legs and elbows in his side... 😰

Spends the majority of the trip moping in the tent... If he goes out there, he has to deal with the sun, bugs, and people… No thanks. He only leaves for meals and occasionally to go swimming.

When he found out part of the way through that Barbs brought portable solar panels and a battery pack for Diavolo and Lucifer’s phones, he was livid. He demanded access to the power source, which Lucifer refused because “It would defeat the purpose of this trip.”

He’d have summoned Lotan right then and there, deadass in the middle of the forest, if the MC hadn’t intervened. He then went back to moping, but now at the bottom of the lake and it took a lot of coaxing to get him back out…

On the final day, he was packing up the camp before anyone else even woke up. He wanted OUT and back to civilization ASAP. Bedroom here he comes!

Satan

You wouldn’t think of Satan as an outdoorsy guy. Still, he has shades of a survivalist in him (mostly because he’s read a lot of guides and was looking for an excuse to use them for a loooong time).

He read for the majority of the ride. He was squished between Asmo and Levi, which was reasonably peaceful. But he did end up shouting at Mammon quite a bit towards the end because “NO, we’re not there yet, peabrain!!”

He actually wasn’t a waste of space when setting up the camp, and between him, Barbs, and Lucifer, they were able to get a lot of stuff set up before sundown. He did have to bark a few orders to the others here and there, but overall competency won out in the end.

He shared a tent with Asmo, and the two made it work well enough… Except when Asmo did things like spraying his perfumes and dry shampoos, making it practically impossible to breathe in for a few minutes…

Spent a lot of the first few days reinforcing the camp to a ridiculous degree.

Did he have to collect large branches to build an exterior fence around the campsite? No. But he did.

Did he have to set up a water distillation system using some of the materials Barbs had lying around the “kitchen?” No. But he did.

Did he have to weave a series of fishing nets to catch them lunch from the lake and river? I think you get the point by now.

Only once he built pretty much every contraption or improvement he could think of, did he go back to just reading and relaxing by the fire.

By the time the group was ready to leave, Satan had somehow managed to craft them a veritable, self-sustaining fortress in the middle of the Alaskan wilds…

Overall he would rate the trip as… meh. Next time give him a challenge like a deserted island or an actual desert, and then he’ll really see what he can do.

Asmodeus

Was about as unhappy with the idea as Levi was… It wasn’t that he disliked the outdoors per se, it was just that no one, NO ONE, pulls off looking flawless after several days stuck in a tent!

He chatted the entire car ride from start to finish. He never stopped talking. It made for decent background noise at least…

Was one of the more clueless ones when trying to set up camp and pretty just did what he was ordered. The second he was left to try and figure something out on his own, he went to Lucifer or Satan for help because NOPE. Human equipment is needlessly complicated sometimes…

He had to share a tent with Satan, which in theory shouldn’t have been that bad, but Satan was out basically all day in the sun doing who knows what and would always come back sweaty and gross! At some points, he had to chase his brother out of the tent until he dunked himself in the river or something. No way was Asmo sleeping next to that. 😤

Asmo took the second-longest to get up and get ready in the morning. Sometimes he wouldn’t even leave the tent until well past breakfast just in an attempt to salvage his hair and skin… He only got grouchier about it as the trip went on… 😥

A more… earthy looking Asmo is kind of a bizarre sight. He’s still attractive, no doubt, but it’s less like polished glamour and more like Hollywood humble. He spent the majority of the trip looking like a somewhat dirtied movie-star (which he still insisted was the worst he’s ever looked in ages).

Aside from salvaging his looks, he actually enjoyed taking pictures of their surroundings or of the group (but not himself). He sometimes forgot how genuinely breathtaking the human world could be…

….but his patience for the place wore out quickly once he started noticing his hair getting greasy. He was right next to Levi, packing up the site once it was finally time to leave. At least those two finally found something they could agree on, let’s get the fuck out already!

Beelzebub

He was really curious about trying camping food and pretty excited that Barbatos was coming, too (because that meant great food in general).

Unfortunately, Lucifer had to stop the van at basically every gas station they passed for Beel could refill on snacks… Belphie ended up getting buried in wrappers pretty often, but he was asleep, so it didn’t matter much.

Beel did a lot of the heavy lifting when setting the camp up, but the finer details were left up to everybody else. He had his hands full getting stuff off the cars as is…

Of course, he shared a tent with Belphie, and there wasn’t much complaint between them. Honestly, there would have been more drama if they were split, so this was the better option.

After the MC told Beel about fishing and how it could net him more food, if he did it right, he knew exactly what he wanted to do during the trip.

… But no one told him how long and slow the process would be. There were points he’d get so hungry he’d consider eating the bait himself…

That was until about Day Three of the trip when they passed by a river full of grizzly bears… He was about to ask the MC why the bears were all standing in the water, but then he saw a fish practically leap directly into one’s mouth…

Beel had discovered his true calling.

Of course, the grizzlies didn’t take too kindly to a demon suddenly sprinting into the water with them. They tried to fight him off, but Beel just tossed most of them downstream without any issue until they realized who the apex predator really was…

After forming a shaky truce with the bears, Beel would stand in the water for hours then come back with whole baskets full of salmon… There were far more fish than Barbatos knew what to do with, so he’d just confiscate a few then let Beel eat the rest...

The MC shuddered to think about what Beel had done to the local salmon population… But he was full and happy for most of the trip, so he had a great time!

Belphegor

Sleep for him isn’t too contingent on location, so the idea of camping wasn’t terrible. It did sound like a lot of hassle for no good reason, though…

He spent the entire car ride asleep, head and cow pillow pressed up against the window and everything. It wasn’t the most comfortable experience, but he’d dealt with worse.

He was utterly useless when putting up the camp by choice, thank you. He had more than enough sense to get things put together; he just didn’t want to. If he wasn’t asked to do something by Beel or the MC, he’d just lay back in the grass and smugly watch everybody else struggle…

Again, he and Beel are in the same tent, and you wouldn’t hear any complaints out of him. He did start to have some second thoughts when Beel began getting a fishy smell, though, so he tried to bunk with the MC in their tent for a while.

Like Levi, Belphie didn’t leave the tent much during the daylight hours, but that was because he was still asleep… There was no good way to wake him with no alarms available, so he’d sleep in past lunch easily.

When he was awake, he didn’t leave camp very much except to walk with the MC or watch Beel fishing grizzly-style.

Eventually, Asmo and Diavolo got sick of him dodging their photos, so they’d started posing him Weekend at Bernie’s style around the camp (always conveniently propped up by something and with sunglasses on)

Something Belphie did like, however, was the nighttime. Since there were no lights around, he could practically see everything the sky had to offer. He could spend hours laying on his back long after everyone else had gone to bed just admiring the stars.

All in all, not a terrible trip. Anything that could give him that view like that was well worth it. 6/10, would sleep again.

Click HERE for Part Two. Check out my Masterlist for more!

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #thank y'all so so much #you're fantastic

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bakukags · 4 years

Text

more than enough (bakugou x reader)

summary: You may have fallen in love with your childhood friend Deku, but your best friend Bakugou is in love with you.

pairing: bakugou x gn reader

genre: fluffy angst

warnings: slight swearing

word count: 5,071

a/n: thank you so much for all the love on my last post! here’s a longer one – hope you enjoy! please let me know what you think so that I can improve my writing :)

Bakugou Katsuki was many things - arrogant, prideful, and condescending – but he was never selfish. Especially when it came to you. You were his childhood friend, his number one supporter, his everything. And you were in love with Deku. So, he swallowed down his confessions, pasted on a sneer, and made fun of you like always because this was how it was supposed to be. The last thing he wanted was to make you feel uncomfortable, and if that meant silently watching you endlessly pine after Deku, he would deal with the heartache for you.

You refused to tell anybody about your crush on Deku because you were too scared to ruin the close friendship you two had. You constantly reminded yourself that just seeing him, spending time with him, and being friends with him was enough. It had to be enough, and you had nearly convinced yourself that it was until you ran into someone at the mall.

“Ow! Sorry-” You exclaimed before looking up to meet a familiar pair of glaring eyes. “Katsu?”

“Yeah, that’s my name idiot.” Bakugou grunted in reply, crossing his arms in annoyance. “I know you only have air where your brain is supposed to be, but at least try to watch where you’re going.”

You grinned up at him and nudged him playfully in response. “But then we would’ve never run into each other and you wouldn’t have been able to see my amazing face.”

He scowled back at you. “More like I wouldn’t have to deal with your nonsense. You should apologize to me properly.”

You rolled your eyes. “If anything, you should be apologizing to me because it was your stupidly broad shoulders that blocked my path.”

Bakugou cleared his throat, the tips of his ears turning pink.

You laughed triumphantly. “Katsu your ears are-”

“Shut up idiot! It’s just warm in here.” He growled, the faint blush turning darker as he looked away flustered. You smirked, before continue to scan around the mall.

“Who are you looking for?” Bakugou asked after noticing that your attention as no longer on him.

“Izu. We’re both grabbing lunch and watching a movie together.” You replied, eyes never ceasing their search. Bakugou wrinkled his nose in disgust and opened his mouth to reply before noticing the beaming smile spreading across your face. Following your line of sight, he spotted the source of your smile. His fists clenched tightly together as you excitedly waved at the green-headed boy, and he forced himself to tear his gaze away.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you around-“ The rest of his words died in his mouth as he noticed your beaming smile dim slightly. He turned back around to see that Deku wasn’t alone – he was laughing alongside another girl. Bakugou glanced over at you and noted the brief flash of pain in your eyes, before you quickly covered it up with a bigger smile. Bakugou narrowed his eyes as the pair approached you, unconsciously taking a step closer to you in an attempt to comfort you.

“Hi Y/N, I just ran into Uraraka on my way here! I asked her to join us but she says she doesn’t want to intrude. But you don’t mind if she joins us right?” Deku grinned, oblivious of your feelings. Bakugou looked over at you, and saw that you had your arms wrapped around yourself, as if you were trying to protect yourself from the world. Without thinking, he wrapped his arm protectively around you and glared at Deku.

Izuku blinked, startled for a second before grinning up at Bakugou. “Oh hi Kacchan! Do you want to join us too?”

Bakugou glanced over at you. You were staring at your shoelaces, your usually easy-going attitude replaced by one of discomfort and awkwardness.

“Actually, me and Y/N are going to get some food. We’ll see you later.” Bakugou growled before grabbing your hand and dragging you away. You let him drag you away, only taking a brief look back at Izuku who had just shrugged and immediately turned his attention back to Uraraka.

“Don’t look back at them idiot.” Bakugou gripped tighter on your hand. “What are you a masochist?”

You stayed silent, your mind still reeling with the way Izuku smiled up at her. He had never stared at you like that, and just thinking about it made you feel nauseous.

“Hey, stop ignoring me idiot. Look at me.” His voice rose when you ignored him again. “I said look at me dumbass! I know you’re dumb, but I didn’t know you couldn’t hear as well.”

“Not now Bakugou,” Your voice broke. “I’m not in the mood.” He immediately stopped walking and turned around to face you. Your body was trembling, and he watched helplessly as you tried not to break down in front of him.

“This is about stupid Deku isn’t it?” He said, voice uncharacteristically soft. Your eyes widened and you grimaced, purposefully avoiding his gaze.

“Don’t even bother lying about it either.” He continued, voice regaining it’s usually roughness. “You’re bad at many things, and lying’s one of them. It’s so obvious that you’re in love with that idiot.”

It hurt him to say that out loud, and he wanted to scream in frustration at how messed up this situation was. The person he was in love with was in love with his childhood friend and rival. It was frustrating how Deku seemed to effortlessly beat him in everything. First he had somehow managed to curry favor with All Might, and now he had stolen you without even trying. But at the same time, he couldn’t hate Deku more than he hated himself for not being good enough. He wished he was good enough - if he was good enough, then maybe All Might would have noticed him, maybe he wouldn’t feel this way, and maybe, just maybe, you would be looking at him the way that you look at Deku.

He wishes he could hit Deku for not realizing that he has the most amazing person in the world head over heels in love with him, but he buries these feelings deep inside of himself and walks towards you instead. Bakugou hesitantly reaches out and embraces you, and you melt into his arms, craving his comfort.

“It’s not enough Katsu,” you feel yourself break down as Bakugou’s arms surround you. “I thought being friends with him would be good enough but it’s not.”

He hugs you closer to his chest in response, and swallows down the lump growing in his throat. He knows it’s selfish, but he wants to stay like this forever with you in his arms. If only you weren’t so caught up in your feelings for Izuku, maybe you would be able to feel his heart and how it beat only for you. It had always only been yours.

“I don’t know what to do Katsu.” You mumbled, voice muffled against his chest. “What do I do?”

You feel Bakugou tense for a second as he thought of a response. When he finally spoke, it sounded like he was choking. “Why… you… confess?”

“Hmm?” You raised your head up at him, confused with his garbled response.

“Why don’t you confess?” He repeated through gritted teeth, struggling to get the words out. He holds you a little bit tighter before continuing. “He’d be an idiot to say no.”

You immediately shook your head. “I’m not ready to tell him yet. Right now he sees me as just one of his best friends and I don’t want to jeopardize that.”

Your body started trembling again, and Bakugou’s heart clenched in response.

“I’ll help you.” His lips moved before he can stop them.

You looked up at him, your eyes widening with excitement. “Really?!”

He wanted to take it back the moment he said it, but as he stares into your pleading eyes he knows that he’ll do anything to ensure your happiness.

“Yeah, everyone knows your useless without my help anyways.” He says, and as he stares at the beaming smile you give him, he knows he made the right choice. He would endure all the suffering in the world if it guaranteed your happiness.

Just being in your life was enough.

Despite his constant training to become the number one hero, Bakugou always set time aside for you. Before Bakugou promised to help you with Deku, the two of you would stay up late at night asking playing twenty questions.

“Hmm okay, favorite cuisine?” You asked one night, as the two of you sat on the couch, knees just brushing each other.

“Anything spicy.”

You sighed, but the corners of your lips twitched upwards. “That’s not a type of cuisine. I meant like do you like Japanese, Italian, Indian-”

“I know what cuisine means idiot.” He rolled his eyes. “My answer stays the same. I like spicy food.”

You stared at him incredulously, and he glared back, eyebrows raised challengingly. Unable to keep a straight face, you started laughing, the sound echoing throughout the room.

“Shut up idiot! Someone might hear us!” Bakugou furiously shushed you, as your body shakes with laughter. You covered your mouth to muffle the sounds, but your shoulder still shake with mirth.

“What are you laughing at anyways?” Bakugou asked once you’ve calmed back down, which only makes you burst out laughing again. “You-” You gasped for breath, struggling to speak in between your fits of laughter. “You look like an angry Pomeranian!”

Bakugou’s face burned, and he silently thanked the dim lighting for hiding his blush. “I don’t!” He protests.

“You do!” And as you burst into another fit of laughter, Bakugou couldn’t help the smile that slid onto his face because he loved hearing you laugh, even if it was at his own expense.

Bakugou always looked forward to spending time with you on those nights, but ever since he promised to help you, he would bring Deku along before leaving the two of you alone. And as you spend more time with Izuku alone, you feel the two of you grow closer than ever before. When the two of you couldn’t talk, you would tell him that you miss him, and he would blush before smiling back and saying that he missed you too. You even had the courage to start teasing Izuku on how cute he is, which would leave him a stuttering, blushing mess. You wouldn’t have been able to do that before, but with Bakugou silently supporting you, you felt like you could achieve anything.

However, something felt off. You found yourself missing the angry blonde boy, and you felt as if you hadn’t seen him in weeks. You missed his comforting caramel scent, your late night conversations, and even his snarky remarks. It felt as if he was gradually distancing himself from you, and just thinking about it made you feel uneasy. So, after talking to Izuku one night, you grabbed something from your room and snuck into Bakugou’s room like old times. He jumped up immediately, fists clenched and ready to fight. However, as soon as he noticed that it’s you, his body relaxed and he motioned for you to come in. You walked in, noticing the broadness of his shoulders and the muscles adorning his back for the first time. You looked away quickly, face burning red as you sit down on his bed.

“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Bakugou spoke first.

You looked up confused. “Does something have to be wrong for me to come over?”

“You only come over without me asking you to when there’s something wrong.” He stated calmly, as if he’s merely reiterating facts or the weather. For some reason, your heart clenched at that statement, but you brushed the feeling away and focused on tracing heart shapes into Bakugou’s bedsheets instead

You wanted to tell him that you’re here just because you missed him and his teasing, but when you opened your mouth, the words got stuck in your throat.

“Um, thanks for helping with Izu, it really means a lot.” You felt Bakugou stiffen next to you, and you inwardly cursed yourself for not having the courage to say the truth.

“Whatever dumbass. I only helped you because you can’t do anything by yourself.” Bakugou’s voice came off harsher than normal as he tried to hide his disappointment at your last comment. For a second he thought that you were going to say something more, but that was just wishful thinking.

A moment of awkward silence follows that’s never been there before, and you fight the urge to fidget. Something between the two of you feels off, yet you couldn’t figure out what it was. The atmosphere felt stilted and wrong, cluttered with too many unspoken words and suppressed feelings.

“I got you a thank you gift. You know, for helping me with Deku and all,” You interrupted the silence. Reaching behind you, you pulled out the gift bag that you had managed to hide behind you. “I saw this and I thought of you…” You trailed off, unsure of why you felt so nervous.

He carefully took the gift bag from you, cradling it in his hands. He gazed at it intently, as if it were some prized possession that would disappear the moment he looked away.

“Don’t worry it’s not going to explode or anything if you open it.” You joke as he continues to stare at the present. “Go on, open it!”

Bakugou rolled his eyes and reached inside the bag, only to feel something soft. With growing confusion, Bakugou pulled it out before staring at it incredulously

“You got me a stuffed animal Pomeranian?” He grimaced, staring at the fluffy animal with thinly veiled horror.

“It reminded me of you!” You smiled. “And it’s not just a stuffed animal - you attach it to your phone like this!” You pulled out your phone, which had a matching Pomeranian dangling off of it, and waved it in front of his face. “See? We can match now!”

“That’s even worse!” He growled, shaking his head. “You’re crazy if you think I’m going to put that-that thing on my phone.”

“Don’t tell me the Great Katsuki is scared of a little Pomeranian.” You grinned, as he sputtered indignantly. “Don’t worry I can always return it, if you want...” You reached over to grab the little animal only for him to snag it away from you.

“I’m not scared! Tsk, whatever I’ll put the stupid thing on.” Eyebrows furrowed in concentration, Bakugou focused on attaching the Pomeranian to his phone.

And as you stared at his serious expression, the awkward tension from before melted away. You smiled, and let out a laugh of relief, causing Bakugou to look up at you. He missed hearing your laughter, and hearing it again made him feel like he had finally arrived home.

“Hey Katsu,” You leaned against him, eyes fluttering closed. “Let’s hang out this weekend.”

“Yeah whatever.” He grunted, his heart racing as he felt your body lean into his. He looked over at you to see your smile widen, the sight so bright that it made his heart catch. He wrapped his arm around you, and pretended for a moment that this was real, that you were his, and that this would last forever.

This time, he almost believed himself when he said that this was enough.

The following weekend, you and Bakugou went to an arcade together. You were surprised by how much you had missed his company, and you found yourself laughing and smiling more than you had in the past week. His competitive nature made him an excellent opponent, especially when he kept losing to you in Mario Kart.

“That didn’t count!” Bakugou growled as you won for the sixth time in the row. “It’s this shitty machine that’s broken, do you hear me?”

“Yeah, the machine lost not you.” You said with a serious face, but the twitching corners of your mouth revealed your amusement. “C’mon, let’s go take photos in the photo booth.”

And so, after dragging a reluctant Bakugou behind you, the two of you ended up squished inside a photobooth. Wrapping your arms around him, you grinned just as the camera flashed. After doing two more poses, you grabbed the photos and looked at them with satisfaction.

“Look Katsu, don’t we look cute?”

Bakugou grudgingly looked down at the picture, and found that he couldn’t look away. You were right, the two of you looked as if you were made to be next to each other, and he felt his heart speed up as he looked at the you in the picture whose arms were hugging him.

“Here you get to keep one.” You grinned, shoving a copy of the pictures into his hand before putting your own copy away in your pocket. “Now let’s go get some food.”

As you both waited in line for lunch, Bakugou turned to look at you curiously.

“I never got the chance to ask you, but why do you like Deku so much?”

“Well he’s-” You froze for a moment, mind racing to come up with an answer only to come up with nothing. How had you never asked yourself this question before?

“He makes me laugh,” you told yourself, before realizing that the person you laughed the most around was Bakugou. Late nights filled with laughter and Bakugou immediately flickered into your head, and you uncertainly pushed them away.

“He’s always there for me.” You thought, yet your mind automatically wantdered to the person who had truly always been by your side. It was Bakugou who comforted you whenever you were upset. It was Bakugou who supported you from the sidelines and made you feel like you could do anything. And if you ever needed help or someone to talk to, it was Bakugou that you turned to. You desperately extinguished all thoughts of Bakugou as quickly as they formed, scared of what would happen if you allowed them to continue

“He cares about me,” You thought triumphantly, relieved when no thoughts of Bakugou immediately come to mind.

“Except, who’s the one who cares enough to know everything about you?” A voice in the back of your mind asked. You immediately thought back to how Bakugou could answer every single question about you. From something as important as your birthday, to as insignificant as your least favorite word, Bakugou cared enough about you to commit every single thing about you to memory.

“No one cares more about you than Bakugou,” The voice whispered before disappearing, leaving you with jumbled thoughts and newfound emotions.

“Sorry you don’t have to answer that,” Bakugou broke through your daze, worriedly eyeing your perturbed expression. “It’s probably because idiots attract other idiots right?”

“Right.” You slipped on a shaky grin. “Oh we’re almost up next! What are you going to get?”

Bakugou could clearly see that something was troubling you, but he decided to let it go for now. After the two of you bought your lunch, you both sat down at a nearby booth. As you guys continued talking, he watched in relief as the troubles you had earlier seemed to melt away. However, his good mood was instantly ruined the moment he spotted a familiar freckled face.

“Kacchan? Y/n?” Deku approached you both with a dopey smile on his that you had grown to love.

“Izu!” You smiled, your heart speeding up at the sight of him. “What are you doing here?”

“Just grabbing a couple things for a friend.” His cheeks flushed as he spoke. “What about you guys?”

“We’re just hanging out.” You glanced over at Bakugou who was staring broodingly out the window, seemingly set on ignoring Deku. You rolled your eyes at him before looking back over at Deku. “Sorry, just ignore him. We’re still on for movie night tomorrow right?”

Deku’s grinned faltered for a second before he started fidgeting with his hands, a habit he had picked up a while ago. You felt the smile slipping off your face – Izuku only ever fidgeted when he was nervous or felt guilty about something.

“What’s wrong Izu? Are you okay?” Your worry grew as his eyes darted from side to side guiltily.

“Yeah I’m fine! Sorry, it’s just that I totally forgot about the movie night tomorrow and made plans with Uraraka and I know we made the plans first but-” His voice trailed off, but you immediately realized what he wanted.

“You want to cancel so you can hang out with her right?” You finished his train of thought for him, stomach sinking with dread. He looked back up at you, eyes full of hope. You feel your stomach drop, and your chest protests in pain.

You forced yourself to smile for his sake. “Of course, we can always reschedule Izu.”

His grin widened, immediately erasing any trace of his nervousness. “I knew you would understand, thank you! And you could always join us if you want?”

“Us” the word echoed in the back of your head, taunting you. You couldn’t help but wonder when they had become an us, and you had become an outsider. You knew that the invitation was only formality, a tacked on afterthought to be considerate. You had somehow become his second choice, and the realization hurt. You pasted on another smile, determined to hide your pain from him.

“That’s alright Izu, maybe next time. I hope you guys have fun.”

Bakugou narrows his eyes at your crumbling façade, before glaring vehemently at Deku. He’s never wanted to punch the oblivious boy more than he does right now. He clenches his fist under the table, effectively hiding the mini sparks emitting from his palms. If it were any other day, he would challenge Deku to a fight, but today he needed to stay calm so that he could stay and comfrort you. Deku opened his mouth to say something, but Bakugou quickly cut him off before he could hurt you further.

“I think you should leave.” Bakugou’s tone leaves no room for argument, yet Deku still hesitates, his eyes darting between Bakugou and you before coming to a conclusion.

“Right.” Deku awkwardly grins. “I’ll see you guys later.”

The minute he walks away, you bury your face into Katsuki’s shoulder.

“I don’t get it Katsuki. Why am I not good enough?” Your eyes prickled, yet the tears refused to fall.

Bakugou looked helplessly down at you, before tugging you closer, only able to offer you his warmth.

“You are enough.” He whispered softly, yet you missed his words as you tried to block out the world around you. But if you had closed your eyes and listened close enough, you would have heard the words Bakugou was repeating to you like a broken record.

“You’re more than enough to me.”

Several months passed after the Deku incident, and you found yourself growing closer and closer to Bakugou. Although the pain of Deku liking someone else was nearly unbearable, it started to lessen as time went on. Bakugou helped a lot - his presence always comforted you, and you found that as spending time with him made all thoughts of Deku vanish.

However, Bakugou knew that talking about Deku still remained off limits. Whenever he tried to subtly bring the green haired boy up, you would completely shut down and block him out. He knew it wasn’t healthy for you to bottle up your feelings like that, but eventually stopped bringing Deku up knowing that you would talk to him about it when you were ready.

Since you didn’t seem to want to go out anymore, Bakugou had taken it upon himself to resume your late night question game. So, as usual, he grabbed your favorite snacks and waited for you in his room. You walked in a couple minutes later, a smile spreading onto your face as you saw Bakugou.

“You hardly ate anything at dinner.” Bakugou said as he dumped the snacks for you onto his bed. “Thought you might be hungry.”

“Thanks Katsu!” You grinned, before your eyes started to drift to his messy blonde hair. Had it always looked that soft? You had the sudden urge to touch it and before you could think, your hand had already reached out, freezing halfway. What was wrong with you? You quickly dropped your hand back down, pretending that you meant to grab one of the snack bags,

“Okay, you can start.” You said, your traitorous fingers still itching to find out if his hair was as silky as it looked. You opened the snack bag instead.

Bakugou cleared his throat. “Favorite animal?”

“Easy. Pomeranians.” You said, too focused on your food to notice the small blush spreading across the back of Bakugou’s neck. “Who’s your favorite person?”

He wanted to tell you the truth, but the words got stuck in his throat, refusing to come out. He stuttered out a response instead. “I-I don’t know! Why would you ask that idiot?”

You looked up, surprised to see that he was flustered. Putting your snack aside, you scooted closer to him until both of your knees were touching. “C’mon Katsu you can tell me. I’m your best friend right?”

And as he stared into your pleading eyes, he knew that he could never say no to you when you looked at him like that. He sighed in defeat. “It’s you, okay idiot? I guess you’re my favorite person, though I can’t imagine why.”

Something that felt like butterflies fluttered excitedly in your stomach as you stared at the blonde boy. Your heart had always quickened whenever you’d see Deku, but it had never beat out of your chest like this. Your eyes unconsciously flickered down to his lips and you felt your breath hitch. His teeth were caught on his lower lip, and you wondered for a moment what they would feel like against your own. You looked away, fighting the sudden urge to laugh. It was just Bakugou, so why were you acting like some lovesick teen?

Your eyes widened at the sudden realization and looking back into his eyes only confirmed your answer. The answer had always been there, something that you had always known, but just never thought about. These new realizations made your head spin, and you ran out of the room, dizzy and breathless. Bakugou called out after you, alarmed at your sudden exit, but you ignored him. You needed some time alone to think.

You avoided him for the next few days, yet he somehow still plagued your thoughts. You saw him everywhere, and the harder you tried to forget him, the more he seemed to appear. However, one day after class, he managed to find you as you aimlessly walked around the campus.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He growled, and you didn’t realize how much you had missed his voice until you were drowning in it. You refused to look at him, afraid that if you did, you would immediately throw yourself into his arms and never let go. “Look I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I understand if you want me to stay away from you, just say the word and I’ll do it.”

Him staying away from you was the last thing you wanted, but when you opened your mouth to tell him, something else came out instead.

“I never answered your question on why I liked Deku, did I?”

Bakugou clenched his fists in frustration. Even at a time like this, you felt the need to bring up that idiot? He already knew you liked Deku and not him, and being reminded of the fact still hurt a lot. He seethed in silence.

“He makes me laugh, he cares about me and he’s always there for me-” you listed, and Bakugou felt like screaming. He didn’t want to hear all of the reasons why you liked someone else and not him, and finally, he exploded.

“You’re such an idiot!” He screamed, startling you into looking up at him for the first time in days. He looked like a mess. The dark circles under his eyes revealed that he hadn’t slept for days, and his skin looked two shades too pale. You immediately rushed closer to him, worry enveloping you.

“When was the last time you’ve eaten? Why aren’t you sleeping? Are you okay?” The questions tumbled out of your mouth as you searched his face for answers.

“Do I look okay dumbass?” Bakugou shouts, causing you to take a step back. Everything that he had been holding back suddenly flooded out, like a dam that just burst. “I love you! I love you so damn much and I’ve given you everything, but it’s never enough for you is it? Why can’t I be enough, huh? You’re enough for me, so why-why can’t I be enough for you?”

He stopped suddenly, breathing heavily from his outburst. Your chest ached as you stared at him, but when you reached out to touch him, he shoved your hand away.

“You didn’t let me finish.” You spoke softly. “There’s no one in the world who makes me laugh more than you do. And if there’s someone who I want by my side for the rest of my life, it’s you.” Bakugou froze for a moment, and you reached out to touch his arm. This time he let you.

“When you asked me why I liked Deku, I didn’t give you an answer because all the reasons I could think of led me to you.” You leaned in closer to him, drinking in his warmth. “I ran out of the room the other day because I realized how much I liked you and I was too scared to admit it.”

You felt his arm wrap around you and you let out a sigh of contentment before continuing. “I think I’ve always been in love with you, Katsu. Sorry it took so long for me to realize it.”

Bakugou squeezed you tighter to his side, before turning to look at you with a besotted grin adorning his face.

“I love you too idiot.”

And as his lips met yours for the first time, you just knew.

He was more than enough.

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notnctu · 4 years

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when the snow falls | j.jh

jung jaehyun x reader genre - angst first, fluff later details - childhood best friends!au, ghost!au, platonic relationship, genderneutral!reader, ft. boyfriend johnny warnings - grieving/mourning, mentions of death, lots of crying, explicit language (swearing) word count - 8.3k inspiration - A Christmas Carol synopsis - Jaehyun visits you every holiday season since his death to bring you out of your self isolation and hatred for the one season you both once loved.

a/n - this is for my first collab ever: a taste of winter collab hosted by @dearyongs & @pastelsicheng ! again, thank you for letting me participate and i hope this fic brings more warmth for everyone during the winter!! happy holidays everyone & i hope you can check out the rest of the fics in the collab as i will be, they’re written by such amazing writers! :)))

An iridescent frost covers the tall windows of the apartment and a bright white sky greets you this morning. The fallen sheets expose your bare shoulders to the bitter crisp cold air and goosebumps rise to remind you to wear a fucking sweater for once. However, the cold isn’t what bothers you this horrid day as you’re leaping out of bed to glance out at the world. It’s the first thing that you lay eyes on: it covers the streets, it’s falling from the blanket of grey sky, it’s others’ joy when it’s your trauma. What Mother Nature has brought upon this winter season, as she always does this time of the year, is snow.

The first sign of snowfall marks the first day of your self isolation period until the holidays pass. It marks the anniversary of your best friend’s death and an agonizingly long winter, but in spite of that, it also means the appearance of a rather special guest. A guest that is only visible to you and though resembles much of your passed friend, does not share the same memories as you do.

“The snow is just so comforting, isn’t it?” Though you live alone, a sudden voice erupts from behind you and has you turning rather quickly to face the truth of this season. Your greatest treasure, yet haunting demise. “Hello, y/n. How has your year been?” Jaehyun stands with a lean at your door frame, his arms crossed at his chest and hair full of fluff.

“Hello, Jaehyun’s spirit. I happen to hate the snow, if you have forgotten.” Your hip presses against the cold glass and you’re no longer afraid of being half naked in front of what this form of imagination possesses itself to be.

“Remind me why again.” Jaehyun casually sits on your unmade bed, looking as about your age now. There is a brief silence as you examine how he’s grown with you, you’d imagine this is how he’d look if he was still alive and well.

It would be his third year in college, same as you, possibly studying engineering due to his past fascination with the mechanics of roller coasters. With such a strong jawline and a definite lean built, girls would be running all over him. Not to mention, his dimples remain one of his charms.

Kicking off the icy window, you walk carefully and slowly up to Jaehyun. A hand reaches to caress his cheek, but it goes right through him and leaves your hand to hang in mid-air. This happens every time you see him again, wondering if you can get one last touch of his dewy complexion, and you simply can’t. Despite his ability to touch you, there is no possibility for your senses to travel through to the other side of the supernatural dimension.

Jaehyun gently rests your hand back to your side and repeats his request, “remind me again why you hate the snow.”

“It’s how you died.” A small croak gets caught in the back of your throat and tears well up to blur your vision. “So when the snow falls, it brings me back to the dreadful memory of me losing you, of you leaving me.”

“I died from snow? That is so lame.” Jaehyun grumbles and rolls his eyes.

You chuckle, but the tears roll down your cheeks as if they know no happiness. “You died from a car accident in the snow. Your tires slid, you couldn’t brake … and so, you crashed. Full trauma to the head, an instant death.”

“Where was I going?” He wasn’t this curious last winter, and so you’re unaware if it’s your mind playing sick tricks on you or if his unrest spirit is this forgetful. You wish it was the latter.

Choking on your tears, the droplets hit the hardwood floors below you. An overwhelming feeling of melancholy overtakes your chest and you’re suffocating underneath an unknown pressure. Your throat is drier than your mother’s gingerbread cookies, but you swallow the frigid air around you.

You’re so choked up by your sobbing that it’s too difficult to speak. Any words you say feel like thin ice, ready to crack at the lightest touch. “O-On the way to … my house. You were coming over to tell me a secret.”

“And I never got to tell you.”

“No, Jaehyun. I’ll never know what you wanted to tell me that day.”

when the snow falls.

There has never been a time before Jaehyun and all that you knew, all the memories that fill your brain, every growing pain you could possibly share, was with him and all until it wasn’t. Had there been a time after Jaehyun, you would not have expected it to come as soon as it did.

For the months following his death, you were in denial of his missing presence because every. single. thing. reminded you of him. Jaehyun remained in his assigned seat in school, although it was clearly empty. He lived through others’ mourning stories, where they spoke of fond memories that they shared and things he liked. The worst of them all, you still texted him every day in hopes to see the tiny three dots pop up that he was typing. And the warped reality in your head, the first stage of grief flooding every possible corner, was that he has always just been slow at replying back.

Then, his funeral rolled around and his parents asked you to share one happy memory of him. There were so many, how could you possibly have chosen just one? And so you didn’t. The moment the frame of the church entered your view, your legs stuck to the ground and refused to enter. There was going to be a point when you entered the building filled with crying people and a gripping, horrid smell of death and you wouldn’t be able to forget it. That scary thought, not only frightened you, but angered you.

The large attendance of people walked past you as teary eyes blinked up at the dark wooden frame of the door, but every one of them had never visited him for more than once when he was alive. His older cousins that had forgotten about him when they flew away for college, his acquaintances from piano lessons who never bothered to remember his full name, his old friends from primary school that he had lost connection with after graduation, they were all here.

And you can’t help, but fester a fueling frustration in the pit of your stomach and as it grew into your chest in the matter of seconds, you wondered the single thought that picked up your feet to run home: where were they when he was alive?

After a year and the appearance of Jaehyun’s ghost became less of a shock during winter, you were stuck in an odd and uneasy place of what if’s. Talking to him once a year was never enough, texting his old number was never enough. It was just never enough.

Missing him grew into a dark sense of yearning, longing, bargaining. Long nights of twisting and tossing in your bed, many thoughts and endless possibilities ran through your unhealthy thoughts. The description and police report of his accident played like a reel in darkest contemplations.

The first year of college had to be the hardest to go through without him and thus, aiding in your regrets of not cherishing him enough when he was around. A rabbit hole of universe paths drove you wild, wishing and hoping that you could turn back time and stop him from coming over in the middle of a blizzard. And the one lasting thought still haunts you to your present: if only you hadn’t encouraged him that night, he wouldn’t have died.

The saddest part has barely been acknowledged, even by yourself. That this one tragedy tainted the one holiday you two loved the most --- Christmas. Every year since his passing, you locked yourself in your room for two weeks before the holiday and waited through it all. Truthfully, there was nothing in the universe that was going to allow you to enjoy the holiday when it wasn’t with him. Even his ghost, who very randomly popped up on a December day and cluelessly never brings much comfort as the live him did during this season.

Jolly holiday music lost their joyous sound and became awfully low tempo. The bright red and green signature colors of Christmas became dull and rather grey; the long strings of colorful lights that hang from houses and around large trees were absolutely drained of their color. The warmth of the fireplace went cold. The cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies no longer entertained and lost their spark.

The Christmas themed decorations that covered the windows of shops, the city, your own house, became an overwhelming sore sight to look at. The love from your loved ones… you couldn’t feel anything remotely close to love anymore, just meaningless affection. The one gift that the Earth blessed your region with, snow, became the one petrifying thing that it had to offer. And your favoritism for the holiday, the so-called ‘Christmas Spirit’, slowly died out, along with Jaehyun.

Now that it’s been three years since his passing, you’re here spending your third lonely holiday season inside your apartment discussing your yearly recap with your ghostly best friend.

“That ridiculous final exam lowered my grade and I walked out of that class retaining none of the information. When will I ever need to know about pirates in the 1800’s?” The chocolate wrapper crinkles in your fist as you finish your overly passionate recollection of the most useless class you could have taken this whole year.

Jaehyun sits by your side, facing you as he hugs his knees close to his chest. A small grin dots the dimple on his left cheek when you peer over at the huddled boy and the sad reminiscent glisten in your eye does not go unnoticed. “You used to love pirates. Dressed up like one for Halloween and went up to every house yelling,” Jaehyun clears his throat and perks up, ready to perform.

A balled fist in the air, paired with a look of utter gusto and passion, Jaehyun speaks in an attempt to horribly reenact your once embarrassing pirate impression. “Argh! You scoundrel, give me all the treasures in your possession… preferably chocolate sweets.” He holds his stomach as he bursts into a fit of his baritone laughter. His wide mouth grows into such a big, open smile that his eyelashes dance on his glowing cheeks.

“For a ghost, you sure look like someone who’s very much alive.” Naturally, you’d swat lightly at his knee or arm whenever he would joke around. However, the pain of your hand passing right through him breaks this habit and you’re left scoffing at the way Jaehyun is consumed with laughter.

“You know, for someone who is alive… you sure look a bit … lifeless. When was the last time you were happy, y/n?” Jaehyun finally settles down and gently nudges at your elbow.

His question hits you like a wall of bricks. Unexpected and completely straightforward, but that’s just always been the way he is. “This past weekend when I turned in my last assignment for the semester.”

“No. The last time you were genuinely happy, not relieved. You mentioned a boyfriend, right?”

Rolling your eyes, you grow a bit silent and annoyed at his comment. “Listen, hopeless romantic. Not every relationship is perfect sunrays and gushy unconditional love.” Perhaps, your gaze drops down to your hands and the wrinkled wrapper between your fingers has worn out from your fidgeting.

Johnny Suh. If you could move mountains for this man, you would. It all started due to an accidental happenstance of you abruptly walking into your campus’ coffee shop to seek shelter from the rain and him, the attractive barista behind the counter, chasing after you in a stained apron and an immensely strong aroma of coffee beans. Jaehyun practically swooned over hearing how you two met, hearts in his pupils and a dreamy grin resting fondly as he attentively listened.

Jaehyun has always wanted a relationship, though he did have many admirers in high school, he never had the opportunity to experience one true love and to play out every sappy romantic thing rom-coms taught him. Hearing about your love life is the closest thing he can get to it, unfortunate for him, but fortunate that his best friend still has some romance in them.

Nevertheless, it’s only been a few months together. Though Johnny has seen intimate parts of you, he’s never experienced a winter with you and frankly, he won’t ever experience one with you if you keep this up.

“Johnny doesn’t make you happy, then why are you with him?” Jaehyun knows Johnny makes you feel something that is hard for you to put into words. He also knows the type of person you are, pushing your buttons to get you to defend something you love. Boldly. Loudly. Strongly. He knows how to get you to spit out words of truth, even when they’re difficult.

“My partner is the literal definition of happiness, okay?” The defensiveness drives your assertiveness further. “The last time I was happy was when…” your eyes are frantically examining the floor for any source of focus as a highlight reel of this whole year flashes through your mind.

“... On my birthday, he planned me a picnic. Bought me roses, the whole grand scheme of romance. I started to cry, out of happiness… it was the first time in a while that the reason behind my tears was something good.” There’s somewhat of an epiphany when you finish your sentence. Your voice gets lost in your train of thought as the blissful scene plays out.

“Why were you crying?” Jaehyun snatches the distracting wrapper from your fingers, it being unrecognizable from the wear and tear. It causes you to meet Jaehyun’s round eyes: empty, but not sad. They’re lost, yet filled with purpose.

Jaehyun has always been able to open up the darkest parts of your heart. “Because it reminded me of the time when you and I walked up that steep hill over on Fifth Street… and we forgot the picnic blanket. But it didn’t matter because after the strenuous journey, all we wanted was to sit down and enjoy some fucking sandwiches, along with some hot chocolate your mom packed us.”

“y/n, you cried over the memory of sandwiches and exercise? That’s so---”

“Before you insult me by calling me lame,” you bring your finger to stop him mid-way and narrow your eyes, “I was so happy to be able to share our same experience with someone else. Even though you’re gone, I can still have these happy moments with other people.”

Then, Jaehyun gathers both of your hands to hold and brings them to his soft lips. Everything about him feels cold, like a harsh chill that bites at your skin. In spite of it all, his delicate kiss on your knuckles somehow feel warm and slightly comforting. Jaehyun peers up with kind eyes, “you’re almost there. I will do everything I can to get you there.”

Blinking at him with confusion, your expression asks the questions for you. When he sets your hands in his lap, a soft pat on the back of your hand reassures you. “Can we bake Christmas cookies?”

Rolling your eyes, you tear your hands away from him. He leaves you with unspoken words and an oddly comforting feeling, but it’s not enough to dissipate your deeply rooted dislike for this particular holiday. “You ask this every year.” Getting up, you walk towards your bedroom to get away from feeling too vulnerable.

Jaehyun watches your back intently as you’re stumbling over your feet. He whispers to himself, “and I think this year is going to be the last year I’ll ask for it.” And a hopeful smile appears joyously as he anticipates the storm before reaching still waters.

The sound of the doorbell awakens you and Jaehyun is nowhere to be seen. He comes and goes as he wishes, however, he’d usually accompany you during the mornings. You’re particularly sluggish, finding it difficult to adjust to the blinding white sky outside as snow continues to drift upon the city.

“Good morning, gumdrop.” Your boyfriend is rather chirpy today. Johnny engulfs your fragile body in his long arms and you’re lost in his scent of peppermint bark.

“This was unexpected.” His shirt muffles your tiny voice and Johnny is setting down bags of groceries on your kitchen countertop.

“I texted you last night that I was coming over to do some grocery shopping for you. Did you sleep early?” Your very helpful boyfriend starts unloading all the parcels of fresh produce and your favorite snacks. However, there is a slight tinge of annoyance and possibly it’s due to the fact you weren’t expecting to see anyone during your isolation. Johnny couldn’t have known though.

A deep sigh escapes your lips and you walk over to stop his movements. A hand holds his arm and the other intertwines with his own, but you stand under him with the sweetest smile you could wear during the holiday season. “How is it that your mom invited me to your family holiday party, but tells me that you’re not going to be there?”

Your smile automatically falls from your lips and a hand retracts from his warmth. It’s the sudden truth that you must face, the confession of your sadness that you’ll eventually need to tell your partner. Wondering how he’s going to take the news, your mom probably gave him a brief breakdown about how you’ve been this way for the past few years now.

Nonetheless, Johnny has always been bold with his statements and though you’ve adjusted to his abruptness, this one is hard to give a quick answer back to. So as you’re racking how to present your dark narrative, Johnny sets you down on the couch with the utmost gentleness. You don’t even feel the cushion underneath you when the million different answers streamline their way into your brain.

Johnny notices your frantic eyes and unfocused gaze, growing a bit concerned at how cold your skin feels at his touch. Taking off his sweatshirt, he carefully slips it over your shaking figure. When the softness of the polyester cotton blend brushes upon your bare arms, you’re snapped back facing a worried expression.

And you say the one thing on your mind, the only thing you can think of in your scattered brain. “Jaehyun died during this time of year, so it just makes me very emotionally unstable to… participate in any festive events. I’d rather be alone, the whole holiday season.”

Johnny nods, but his face remains with his eyebrows together and lips pressed into a tight line. He’s well aware of who Jaehyun was and means to you. Though you don’t talk much about him, your eyes light up with a bright twinkle whenever you do. It’s like the world spins ‘round and everything feels restored. Johnny knows enough about your good friend to deduct how hard it must be for you during the winters.

“Can I help you in any way?” Johnny peers over at you with a small smile, and you wish there is something in your decaying heart to keep it up forever.

“I hate to say it, but please just leave me alone for the winter.” Flopping on his lap, you’re burying your face in your hands to cower away from seeing your sunshine hurt. There are no more sugar coated kind words for you to pick and choose from.

While Johnny can understand how difficult it must be for you, he still holds onto a sliver of hope that you’ll come around. “Come on, don’t be such a Grinch. No one should be alone for Christmas.”

Groaning, you sit up and roll your eyes at the familiar references. “Listen, Cindy Lou Who. Don’t call me that.”

“It’s still a cute nickname, you don’t think?” Johnny snickers lightly, but your expression turns rather grim and serious. A faint overcast of melancholy washes over your expression as you’re staring off into your memories again.

In a faint voice, your voice is barely above a whisper, “that used to be one of Jaehyun’s favorite movies.” Your arms drop from your puffed up chest, but Johnny catches your hand and kisses your fingertips.

“What was yours?” Johnny keeps the atmosphere as light and playful while he still can.

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Ironically fitting and that’s one of the sole reasons you don’t watch holiday movies anymore. There have been too many parallels with your life and the wrenched holiday. As twisted as the joke may seem, you’ve lived your own nightmare before Christmas, except you never got the happy ending to it all. It’s like a nightmare that continues and you can’t escape it.

Having said, Johnny pulls you up to stand and draws you into the biggest hug. “I can’t leave you alone, even if I tried my very best. I still get butterflies every time you smile at me, so you think I wouldn’t be addicted to that feeling?”

“Johnny…” This man is in love with you until the ends of this Earth, until the horizon stretches so far that it’s unimaginable to see where it stops.

“I’ll respect your wishes as much as I can, but know that it’s not the best form of healing.” The final word causes a chill to run down your spine. It implies that you’re still hurting, although he’s not wrong, it’s rather disheartening to hear someone else speak it aloud. “I’ll come around less.”

“If I’m grumpy, then you’ll know why. And don’t try to shove the whole Christmas spirit act on me, I don’t want to hear a single thing about it! I can’t spend a Christmas without Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezes your shoulders at your bold declaration.

“You can’t or you won’t?” A painful tick at your heart leaves you speechless at his question.

For as long as you could remember, every Christmas was spent with Jaehyun. Picking out a tree for both of your families and getting lost together between the evergreens brought laughter and excitement. Baking cookies and drawing the ugliest faces in tacky colorful frosting always happened a few days before the holiday. Drinking hot chocolate by his family’s fireplace and watching Christmas movies were one of your favorite activities. Christmas Eve was always so special, where you and Jaehyun made it tradition to open your gifts from each other right when the clock struck midnight.

Then everything simply stopped. And when you tried to participate in those same activities, selfishness and guilt preoccupied your heart. What do any of those things mean without Jaehyun? Jaehyun was the reason you loved Christmas as much as you did. Then, his death became the reason you hated it as much as you do.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Johnny knows he’s hit a nerve, he can see it in your glossy eyes and subtle drop in the corners of your mouth. There is no protest from the taller man when he accepts his sweatshirt without a complaint. The bitter cold air bites at your bare shoulders again and you’re practically existing in its lack of warmth. Gathering the rest of his belongings, you two bid a kiss goodbye and shut the door.

It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and the tear runs down your cheek when your back hits the door. Suddenly, Jaehyun appears across the living room leaning on the door frame to your bedroom. “He seems like a nice guy.”

“He is.” There is a hang at the end of your sentence and Jaehyun walks toward you. A few sniffs fill the empty apartment, but you’re rubbing away any sign of sadness from your face.

“But?”

“But, he’s so optimistic about… everything. He lives by the sun and every waking day, he just lives it to the fullest. There’s nothing in the world for this man to possibly understand how sad I feel.” It’s the heaviness in your voice that has your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach.

Jaehyun’s freezing hands graze your chin and as he lets go, his stare doesn’t leave yours. “Learn from him.” Your best friend’s ghastly voice reminds you that he’s not real. He’s a ghost. He’s very much gone and not for a split second, should you be wanting to cave into his embrace or else, you’ll hit the floor hard. Nevertheless, you’re entirely vulnerable and the next few words that leave Jaehyun’s mouth causes your throat to close up.

“Keep him close. y/n, he is the sun.” It’s a moment you thought you’d never witness, your best friend complimenting your significant partner. Moreover, it hurts to think about how great of friends Jaehyun and Johnny could have been. “To be very honest, you need some heat this winter.”

“Then, what were you?” It’s the curiosity that nips at your tongue as it leaves no space for a pause. The thumping of your heart being so loud in the dead silence, but you know Jaehyun doesn’t have a heart to beat recklessly as yours.

Jaehyun smirks and chuckles fondly, despite how desperate and serious you may have sounded. “I was a pain in the ass.”

Scoffing, you break the immensely intense eye contact. “You still are. This whole haunting thing is very creepy.” Gesturing his entire being in front of you, he just looks so alive and breathing. Before Jaehyun, you always thought ghosts were floating entities with a white transparency. But your best friend stands before you, well aged and all together.

It still tosses you into shambles as to why Jaehyun exists, but you’ve given up on figuring out his purpose. He could be a form of your own imagination for all you care, perhaps you’ve grown so sad that you started to seek things.

Companionship from the one person you wish was still alive?

Like before, you’ve always spent Christmas with Jaehyun… alive or in ghost form.

It’s another one of those long days that seem to never end. The bright white sky seems unchanging, stark with a dusty and imminent endless overcast of snow. It’s blinding and you’re regretting the moment you overlooked the curtain blinds at the department store.

Your phone has already been lost somewhere underneath your bed and there isn’t a single desire to reach for it. Missed calls pile up, voicemails clutter your inbox, texts flood your messages, and your social media notifications fill your screen. Despite everyone’s effort to contact you, there is no sense of joyous cordial nature to even glance at them.

Jaehyun has been appearing more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. The conversations bring an empty comfort, most of the times you feel the need to remind yourself that you’re not actually talking to someone, are you?

“What’s that sad look in your eyes?” He startles you when you’re off looking vacantly out the window. Your mind has been completely distracted lately by meaningless thoughts and the sweetest reels of Jaehyun that have turned blue.

The more you wrap yourself in your white sheets, the less you can feel any source of warmth. And perhaps you haven’t realized that you no longer felt any heat the past few days, that you’re at a freezing point and it’s made you numb.

“Not sure what you mean.” Your voice remains dull and monotone, lifeless almost. Jaehyun takes a seat against the window and for the first time, you can see right through him.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Is he a mind reader too? The thought that always circles your mind when Christmas draws near is not only that Jaehyun is gone forever, but how you could have prevented it all. The guilt eats you up and no matter how hard you’re searching for acceptance, it slips away from you before you have a chance.

When you don’t answer, Jaehyun heads over to your bed and he’s alarmed at how cold your hands are. “It was never your fault.” Your best friend pulls you into a hug, but it can barely be felt. What kind of hug can’t be felt?

“I never said it was.”

“No, but you thought about it.” The chilly draft causes you to shiver and it’s hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides the night of his death.

“I should have stopped you from coming over.” Although you’ve confessed this many times to him before, it never gets easier to say. Jaehyun sighs and ultimately frowns at your tears slipping from your eyes again. Like the snow that drifts from the heavens, your tears know no end to their downfall. It’s become too natural for them to appear. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is to stop from crying.

“It’s hard for me to speak about it since we don’t remember much of the same moments---”

“Jaehyun! I remember that night as clear as it was just yesterday that it happened.” There’s no reason to yell, but a strong sense of pain erupts from your chest.

He’s so calm at your sudden outburst, turning his head to face you with a deadpan expression. “You weren’t there, y/n. You were home, safe and sound as you should have been. I’m more than grateful that you’re the one alive.”

“I’m not!” But when the confession leaves your lips, you’re shaking and fearful. The entire room is stiff and silent. You couldn’t even believe what you had just said, wondering if that is anything close to truth. You look up at Jaehyun, who blinks at you with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “I mean,” you clear your throat in the midst of the tense atmosphere. “I could have saved you.”

“You’re not a hero and I didn’t need saving when I was already gone.” He taps his temples lightly, “full trauma to the head. It was just my time to go.”

“The secret. I wanted to know so bad that I didn’t stop you from coming in a snowstorm!” Jaehyun pats your head in an attempt to soothe your aching heart.

“And I wanted to tell you just as bad that I didn’t care about the snowstorm. y/n, stop blaming yourself for something that happened to me. The universe is much more complex than that, give it some credit.”

“You’re even philosophical as a ghost? Give me a fucking break.” Groaning, you pull the sheets over your head to somehow run away from the conversation.

Jaehyun lies down next to you, smiling cheekily to himself and glancing over at the lump that you had become underneath the blankets. “Do you remember the time I taught you how to ride a bike?”

“I thought it was your dad who taught me.” You grumble, tossing away the sheets to glance over at him. It always puzzled you how Jaehyun never remembered the same memories as you do, and even if you did, one of you remembered it differently.

“He was probably there as supervision. I was the one who helped you take off your training wheels and strap on your impressively thick knee pads.” You’re lying on your elbows now, fists pressing into your cheeks and a fond attentive gaze upon Jaehyun’s resting figure. He’s staring up at the ceiling that protects you two above, yet can cave in at any moment.

Dimples dip into his round supple cheeks as his toothy smile comes into view, reliving the happy memory. “You rang your little bell so many times that day.”

“Because I was scared!” You protest, muttering something incoherent. “Didn’t we go downhill when I said I wasn’t ready?”

“We went downhill because you said you were ready.” His hair ruffles in your sheets when he turns to face you, and he just takes your breath away. It’s the stars in his dark eyes that sweep you off your feet, like the gleaming star on top of a tree. The color that oozes from his smile, like Christmas lights that line a rooftop, make it hard not to stare. Jaehyun looks just like Christmas, the most wonderful thing of the year. In someway, he resembled an angel or the soft sheet of snow ready to fall right through.

You’re encompassed by overwhelming effervescent emotions from listening and watching Jaehyun glow and gleam. “Then, what?”

Jaehyun’s low chuckle illuminates the room, dazzling the boring grey interior. “Little ol’ you, hurt yourself real bad that day, scrapes and wounds you thought you’d never heal from. You didn’t talk to me for a week, but you ended up learning how to ride a bike.”

“Is that right?”

Jaehyun rests on his side now, only an elbow supporting his body and he’s leaning in close to your face, you’re almost too sure you could feel a breath on your lips. “No matter how painful it gets, I’m always here to push you through it all.”

When your heart beats sporadically at his proximity, you didn’t realize that you are holding in a breath, being quite afraid that if you let it out, it would simply blow him away for the night. And you’re not ready for him to leave you again.

Christmas Eve;

It had to be a miracle that anyone got a hold of you this week when Johnny comes practically banging at your door. Though you are so close to ignoring his loud thumping, the sound of your boyfriend’s soft sniffles alarms you greatly.

“y/n, holy shit!” It’s deja vu when you’re in his arms again, a horribly warped version of it when the smell of peppermint bark tickles your nostrils disgustingly. “I thought something happened to you. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“My one wish for Christmas was to be left alone and I meant it.” The attitude in your voice becomes jarringly evident and Johnny blinks back at you with a new found annoyance as well.

“Can you at least think of the other people around you?” He holds your shoulders lightly, but staring into his eyes seems to be harder to do lately. Jaehyun appears on the couch, lying flat on his stomach and a hand resting underneath his chin. This is no longer a private conversation, but you learned long ago that no one else can see him.

“Who are you talking about? My family? Because they’ve all given up on me.” This is the first time Johnny has seen you act so cold and distant, yet entirely vulnerable. You’re stripped of everything that you usually hide in --- oversized clothes, happy smiles, and a beaming warmth.

All Johnny ever wants is for you to be loved, not only by him, but by the world. And interestingly enough, he loved you for your vulnerability and your rawness. This is until he realizes, in this moment, that it stems from your trauma of losing Jaehyun.

“What about me, y/n? I’m still here.” Johnny is frantic, and by all means, hurt by your aloofness. Brushing off his hands from your body, you’re taking several steps away from him.

“And why are you still here when I kept telling you to leave me alone? Whenever I was upset, Jaehyun always gave me space! Haven’t ever thought about how that is something I need?” You’re saying nonsensical statements that are fueled by anger and annoyance.

He’s pushing your limits and for once, you’re pushing him away. But this isn’t new to you, in fact, you’ve pushed so many people away just like this and that’s why they’ve decided to just let you be.

Johnny is taken aback, “you know, I feel like I’m competing with Jaehyun and I’ve never even met him.”

You scoff and throw your arms in the air, visibly in disbelief at what your boyfriend is saying to you. May you lose your temper, you’re unsure about the future of this relationship. Yet, something in your cruel and painful heart no longer cared, snapping your wits and patience at your beloved.

“What are you saying?” You’re pacing back and forth, fuming with an inexplicable infuriation. Jaehyun catches your eye, and for a brief moment, you’re holding eye contact with him instead. “Jaehyun is dead,” facing Johnny now, you say words that jumble in your chest, regardless of their true meanings, “and even if he was alive, there would be no competition.”

“Because you were always going to choose him over everyone else in your life, is that right? Exactly like how you do now.” Johnny’s words sting like daggers at your skin, worse than the layer of frost that bites at you for the past two weeks.

“Please, don’t attack me for hurting.” With that, your voice breaks and cracks all over. Your tears hit the ground without you feeling them run down your cheeks.

Johnny is quick to wipe them away, not minding that his hands will now be wet from your salty droplets. He instantly regrets it all, the unwarranted questions, the fighting, the barging in unexpectedly. It pains him more to see you like this.

“I apologize. I’m sorry that I’m not saying the kindest words to you when you need to hear them the most.” Your partner is frowning, a true rare sight to see. “But, you’re still grieving and there is going to have to be a time that you move on.”

It’s one of those tip of the iceberg moments or when the ball finally hits the ground and a rush of cathartic enthusiasm washes over you. However, you’re not happy. You’re not even remotely close to happiness. You’re fucking sad, you’re aching with a pain so deeply rooted that it isolates you, that it rips apart anything that used to bring you joy.

And this causes you to scream your lungs out, sobs that choke you up. “I can’t! You don’t understand, no one understands! I just fucking can’t. He was my best friend and that night… he was going to tell me something.” Jaehyun can’t bear to hear your piercing wails, as he’s disappeared completely from the setting. When you’re panicked and searching for him, you only see Johnny staring back at you with a very concerned expression.

“And I will never know what he wanted to tell me.” Your tone grows soft and rather delicate, like a sad realization at the possibility that the secret died with Jaehyun that night.

“Some things are better left unknown. Do you really think you’ll feel better knowing?”

“Listen to him, y/n.” Jaehyun randomly appears next to Johnny’s stature. He stands a few inches shorter than him, but the sight of them together has you blinking in awe.

You’re darting between the two of them, “I don’t know what will make me feel better.”

“Come, tonight. Your whole family wants to see you for the one holiday that brings people together.” But when Johnny steps forward, you’re taking a step back.

“Please, just go.” With an assertive point to the door, your head does not lift up to watch your boyfriend leave. Despite every person you’ve done this to, Johnny’s hurts the most. His flame dies out tonight, providing no sense of security or heat. And with a toss of his arms of exasperation, he shuts your front door and leaves without a goodbye, without wishing you a merry Christmas.

Jaehyun calls your name, but you’re rushing to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. “Don’t you dare travel through the wall.”

Your apartment has grown so dark due to the shorten winter days. It’s pitch black all around you and the sky is no longer a deafening white. It’s the first time you notice the dark blue scattered clouds and the intricate snowflakes that drift carefully down to the streets. And, you’re all alone in the quietness. You truly are isolated every Christmas.

“y/n, let’s talk.” Jaehyun is beyond fed up with your behavior, that has to be the last straw. This is the first year since his death that he’s seen the evident spark in your eye, the hope that is hiding behind your depression. He sees it in the way Johnny looks at you, like you’re the greatest present he could receive in life. In your proclamation, as hard as it was to witness, is a spirit that wishes to be freed. There was a chance this year. There still is one.

“Jaehyun, you left me! You left all alone, and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about you, it never works. In the end, no one is here for me like how you were.” Hands in your hair, you’re losing yourself at a rapid rate. It hurts to keep your eyes open, tears sting as they well up around the rims.

“Find a part of me in the people around you.” The door to your bedroom swings open and Jaehyun takes note of you by the window again. You want to leave, you want to be out there and he knows, before you can actually realize it yourself. You’re turning to face him and in the dark, he looks solid. He looks so real and whole.

“How do I do that?” It’s a genuine question that you’ve pondered before, but never feeling like you had the strength to do so. You’re always dwelling on your past with Jaehyun, indulging in the sacred memories only you two shared.

“What are things that you associate me with?” He is found leaning against your door frame again, hands are shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans.

You say the first thing on your mind, “snow.” When the words hit the air, your ceiling light flickers briefly. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, however, still focused on your crying figure. Snow, the first sign of snowfall is when he appears for the winter.

“What else?” He encourages.

“Familiarity.” The light flashes again, for a mere second longer this time before it resumes darkness. Familiarity, for he grew up by your side for as long as you could remember.

There is an odd feeling that enters the room and you’re fearful of the unknown. But, Jaehyun’s cadence doesn’t falter, he’s not distracted by the random spurts of light. And if anything, it all could be his doing. “Keep going.”

“Comfort.” Flicker. “Warmth. Love. Excitement.” With each word, the light builds stronger and stronger. You’re speaking memories into existence now, “making snow angels until it got dark, laughing until our stomachs hurt, watching movies until the clock struck midnight, dancing until our legs gave out!”

Streams run down your face and you’re yelling until your throat feels raw, but you don’t wish to stop as the light glows brighter and brighter with each spoken word.

As you listen to every listed attribute and memory, you recognize a central theme in all of them and one thing that Jaehyun embodies, the one thing he’s always been associated with.

“Christmas.” A shaky breath exhales and a loud spark pierces your ears. The light illuminates intensely all around you, lighting up the darkest corners of your room and blinding you more than the sky has been lately.

“Jaehyun?” Closing your eyes, you can see the brightness through your eyelids and you’re beyond confused as to what is happening. When you mindlessly reach for his hand, you actually feel it and your heart is soaring due to strange unquestionable physics.

Jaehyun intertwines your hand in his own and caresses your face gently. For once, he doesn’t feel cold. He’s blazing hot, melting away the long days of isolation. “Open your eyes, y/n.”

What lies before you is an incredible, marvelous sight. Snow dusts the roof of your family’s house as green, red, yellow bulbs light the frame of it. Your parents really went all out; round snowmen sit perfectly together on your lawn. A decorative wreath hangs at the front door and a distinct chuckle catches your attention.

From the window that looks into your kitchen, your mother rolls a sheet of dough on the counter as clouds of flour erupt around her. Your father is preoccupied at the stove, with the silliest gimmicks for decorating the feast they’re about to hold. Silver tinsel line the dinner table with a festive table cloth draped upon it. The remarkable tree shines in the center of the living room, a glimmering star on top.

“I know we probably won’t see y/n again this Christmas…” The sound of your mother’s voice rings a bell in your yearning heart and Jaehyun is gazing at you with a wondrous look in his eyes. The grip on his hand is tight, your breath enters the night in puffs of smoke, and regardless of this all being real or imaginary, you’re so immersed in this reality that he knows you’re anticipating what your family has to say.

“... but something about this year really makes me miss them.” Your mother puts the rolling pin off to the side and rests her hand on the kitchen counter, trying to hold back any form of her own tears from falling.

“May Jaehyun watch over them tonight, our little angel doesn’t deserve to be alone.”

Your dad walks over to embrace your mother in a long hug, kissing the top of her head gently. “Merry Christmas, y/n.” Your father speaks into the air, without the knowledge of you outside, he’s thinking of you.

Something in your heart shatters, but it’s entirely different from the pain you’ve felt over the years following Jaehyun’s death. It’s a warm, bubbly feeling that spreads across your chest and you’re covering your mouth out of pure shock at the sight of your parents.

Your parents, who you’ve neglected every holiday season, still think of you. You recognize the ingredients that scatter the table, they make your favorite dish every year in hopes you’ll come join them.

Jaehyun whispers, “y/n, know that I’m always going to be here. I may physically be gone, but I live in your heart and the joyous memories we’ve shared together. I live through the many people who love you now, through Christmas. This spirit is also very much alive in the other people around you.”

When you peel your eyes from the scene of your parents, the vision suddenly disappears and you’re facing Jaehyun right back in your cold, empty, dark apartment. But you wish the moment lasted a little longer. For the first time in a long time, you wish to be with your loved ones. You wish to celebrate Christmas with the people who still care about you, the ones that are still alive and well.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“This signifies my final push down the hill. You’re all strapped up in your knee pads, y/n. You’re never truly going to be ready, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.” Jaehyun pats your head lovingly and mimics the motions of securing a helmet on your head.

You’re letting go of his hand, running around quickly in search for the appropriate outerwear for the snow. It’s like a switch went off in your heart and a cathartic feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.

Every Christmas since his passing, you thought it was best to be alone. You thought it was selfish to live your favorite holiday season without your best friend, that you lost the spirit of Christmas.

However, this entire time… Jaehyun’s ghost has been a reminder that the Christmas spirit has always been alive. It’s not about the enthusiastic festive events or the cheerful themed activities or the distinct colorful decorations, it’s about the appreciation and love you have for the people who have made your year so special. You’ve associated the holiday so much with your best friend, that you’ve lost sight of it in your family, your current friends, your own boyfriend.

When you’re rushing out the door, you stop in your tracks and peer back at Jaehyun leaning against your door frame, just as he appeared a few weeks ago. He has the warmest, brightest smile on his face, “y/n, I think I finally remember the secret I wanted to tell you.” You’re afraid of the answer and the outside world, but your hand doesn’t slip from the door handle. Could it really be? The long anticipated secret that has been gnawing at your conscience since his death?

Nevertheless, he’s giggling and holding his stomach slightly from the immense amount of joyous laughter. “I wanted to tell you that I... finally learned how to shave.”

At first, you’re stunned at the simplicity of the beheld secret. All this time, you thought it had been something so meaningful, something so mind blowing, that needing to know practically destroyed your mental state. Then, a wholehearted and genuine laugh erupts from inside of you and you’re lighting up the darkest parts of yourself. Jaehyun looks at you fondly, like a beauty that he hasn’t seen in awhile.

“That’s fucking it? You came out in the middle of a blizzard to tell me you learned how to shave? How lame.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “when did I ever need an extremely valid reason to see you?” The laughter falls short at his confession and in the midst of all this enthusiasm, you bid him the softest smile. His purpose has been fulfilled, as the best version of you he’s always known and loved stands before him at last.

“I guess... you’re right. What’s going to happen to you now?”

“I’ll always be here for Christmas, even when you’re old and grey surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones in front of a large, extravagant Christmas tree. When the snow falls, I’ll be here.” Jaehyun’s dimple smile is the lasting image you see, the one you’ve always hoped to remember him by.

“Merry Christmas, Jung Jaehyun… I--”

“Love you too, y/n. Merry Christmas.” He ushers you out the door with a small kiss on your knuckles.

That is the last time you ever see him again. Now, when the snow falls, it marks the anniversary of your long awaited healing, the journey to acceptance, and the beloved memory of your best friend. May you never lose the spirit of Christmas and the warmth from your loved ones.

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