#as someone who has been assaulted the huge relief I had when he did that

[aetherin21]

And with kindness leads to greatness

Patroclus is a kind man, written in between his words of doubt and low self esteem. The way he treats women he encounters with care and empathy speaks volumes then the words he utters.

His mother, everly so writtenly as meek and homely seemed to shine in his eyes as the sandy beaches of his home. As though, supposedly to dispise her from his father's lament. He remembers her simpleness like the warmth of the fading sky. Drifting and disappearing. But as the strings of her lyre, she is there only existing.

When Deidameia got pregnant with Achilles and learned that he will never ever love her, she was angry, disappointed and thrown away. She was promised of the boy and so she gave. And out of sheer destruction of a heart break, she agonizingly seeked comfort from Patroclus and demanded to lay with her so she could even by a small margin feel the soul of Achilles mending her broken heart. Cause as Patroclus quoted he is half of Achilles soul.

She's a victim in all of this as much as she tries to stand between the two lovers. And Patroclus understands this. Bedding her too but out of sympathy and kindness that she wanted to feel.

He was so human that when Briseis was turned into a prize of war, he urged his lover to take her and save her from being soiled by Agamemnon. He befriended her, clothed her, and taught her the way of the greeks. And as more prizes come, if by means possible, he wished for Achilles to take them from the humiliation to come.

In return for his selflessness, he was loved by the girl. Even offering him a child she could bare, knowing full well that she wont be the apple of his eye. But Patroclus could not dirty her like that. He knew she deserved better.

Thetis, on the other hand, had loathed him since the beginning. Yet she unknowingly seeked comfort from his memories of her lost child. Never to truly knowing the boy she had given birth to but only from the words of his lover. Patroclus was at her mercy, begging to reunite with his lover and yet instead of hating her even until death, he sang her Achilles' song.

And with the last hymns of his memory, she obliged writing his name beside her child's. The only motherly thing she had ever done.

Patroclus was the best of the Myrmidons for his sheer kindness alone. The cowardice that was bestowed by his true father was a lie but the name 'Patroclus' that meant glory of the father was true. Chiron is proud of his child. He honored him, using the knowledge he had bestowed and saved dozens of lives of hardened greek soldiers. Memorizing their names and each of their stories like his father did. Although, unlike them, he did not fight with swords and spears, he fought with his empathy in hand.

And the boy he had accidentally killed as a prince? It was not an act of cowardice of his confession, it was atonement. Acceptance of what he had done. Unlike those other kings and princes, he took the punishment as one should supposed to.

And that is why Achilles loved him. And that's why Achilles died when he did. Because he is the mortal half of his supposed to be godhood.

He is his other half, as the poet say.

[the-cult-of-russo]

Poetic Tragedy (Part 6)

Pairing: Reader X Billy Russo

Warnings: Cursing, angst, sadness, substance abuse, mental health issues, mentions of sexual assault. This one’s a little dark and not really in a violent way (okay some of it is lmao). Just more the themes explored, I guess? 

A/N: Drama, drama, drama lmao 

Also, huge shout out to @idaofinfinity​ for your amazingly kind words on your reblog earlier. I don’t even know what to say and I don’t feel worthy of the compliments you gave me. It means so much to me what you’ve taken away from this story and how you’ve been able to put yourself in readers shoes in such a raw way. 

I appreciate each and everyone of my readers and especially so when you guys reach out to me and let me know how something made you feel. It makes me feel connected with you all on a really deep level. Fanfic for me is an escape. Sometimes, like this story, there’s things I have personal experience with and I’m working through shit, getting it out in a cathartic way. Or even if I’m just off in a make believe land for a moment where Billy has a pet cat called Asshole, its an escape. Writing fanfic is more than writing a story for me. It’s creating worlds and scenes that not only myself, but others can lose themselves in for a little while. It’s about taking you out of reality and putting you somewhere else. The readers on this blog have always been so supportive of me and always so encouraging and I love you all. 

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It was the day after Billy had decided to be an asshole and he hadn’t said one word to you, acting like you didn't exist. You really weren’t quite sure why he’d flipped like he did but you’d come to the conclusion he was just an asshole. He’d only helped you because of the shit with his mother, like he was enacting a fantasy with you he’d always wanted to live out. Some weird psychological bullshit. Either way, the only way he’d been nice to you and helped you was for some fucked up sick game he was playing for himself and you realised this Billy that was sitting across from you now was the real one. It also wasn’t lost on you that Dean had been avoiding you all day and you really weren’t sure why you were repelling people all of a sudden. You’d ended up spending the day with Karen and Curtis, following them around as they did what they did. You had a sneaky feeling Karen knew where your dark thoughts were heading, so she made it her mission to not let you wallow in your room and you were grateful. It also gave you the chance to get to know Curtis better and you really liked him. He was also not speaking to Billy because of what he did to Dean and you felt better that someone here had Dean’s back. Curtis had taken him under his wing and he took the slight personally. Now you were all gathered around a table in a meeting room on the same floor as yours that you didn't even know existed. It was essentially another bedroom but it had a large table in the middle of it, chairs all around it, and a bunch of monitors all over one wall with a long desk spanning the entire wall. This was where you’d been introduced to a man with scraggly hair called Micro. The same man who used to have the room you were currently using. 

Frank had gone over his plans for the Irish mob, a lot of it going over your head as you didn’t understand most of the technical shit they were saying. But they were the professionals so you knew they knew what they were doing. What you did know was that in the five days you were out of commission, Frank and Micro had been doing some recon to put a plan together. Billy had made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t happy with being left out of the planning, but that was all he’d said the entire meeting. Since the whole thing was basically just letting you know the plan and Billy wasn’t talking to you, he was uncharacteristically quiet. 

“We’re gonna hit ‘em in a week,” Frank said firmly, his finger tapping on the wooden table in front of him as he looked at you. You felt the relief sweep through you at finally having a time frame. An end goal. In 7 days you’d be free to go back to the life you knew. It would be over. You knew people didn’t get your desire to leave. Why would the homeless girl want to leave a place with a warm bed and food to go back to the streets? You saw it all over Karen’s face whenever she brought up you possibly staying and you shot her down. But you didn't belong here. This wasn't what you knew. There wasn't a place for you here. And now with Billy being a little bitch baby, you really just wanted to leave. From what you knew of their plan, in the days leading up to the big hit, they would be taking out some of the lower levels. Culling the herd, Frank had called it. After that, they’d be going after the head honchos. You knew this entire thing wasn't just for your benefit. Frank had been upfront about the fact that the Irish were already on their list because they were doing very bad things, but your little predicament had just sped it along a bit. But you couldn't wait to be free and finally leave. Most of your life had been on the streets and you’d grown accustomed to it. You didn't feel right in a place like this. 

With that out of the way, everyone filed out of the room. Billy was front and center, acting like he couldn't get out of there quick enough. You stuck with Karen as you went back downstairs. She was talking about something but you weren't really listening, completely in your own head. So much had happened in such a short space of time, you felt like a different person. You wondered how you’d adapt to being out on the streets without the drugs. It would be strange, so foreign to you now. But despite the quiet urge when things in your head got too loud, you knew you wouldn't go back to it. You’d been a slave to it for far too long, leaving your dignity behind. You didn't want to be that person anymore. You wanted control of your own life back. Your eyes found Dean as he slipped out of the front door and you knew you needed to speak to him, find out why he was being so weird with you. 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” you mumbled to Karen. She looked from you to the door as if putting the pieces together before she nodded.

“Okay,” she smiled. You hurried off to the door and went outside, seeing Dean standing around not far from the door. He turned around, looking shocked to see you.

“Why are you avoiding me?” you asked bluntly, having no time for bullshit. Life was too short to beat around the bush. He looked away from you guilty, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Y/N...” he started, unable to look at you.

“No, I wanna know why. Billy’s being a dick and that's fine. I thought I got to know him when we were stuck together but obviously not. But I expected better from you,” you frowned, disappointment lacing your tone. He looked uncomfortable, shifting where he stood.

“Look, I… Billy just… He told me to stay away from you,” he admitted, finally meeting your eyes. You felt anger sweep right through you and you clenched your fists.

“And you’re listening to him why?” you questioned harshly. You couldn’t deny you were hurt about it. You had no idea why Billy would be such a dick but it hurt that Dean was going along with it. He was the only familiar thing in an unfamiliar place and he was the closest thing you had to a friend. 

“Because he’s my boss, Y/N,” he sighed. You pursed your lips, looking at the floor as the guilt hit you instead. He’d been fine here until you showed up, messing everything up for him. This was his space, he had a place here unlike you. Did you just ruin everything you touched?

The door opened then and Billy appeared. You couldn't read his face but his eyes narrowed to slits as they went from you to Dean.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked slowly, his voice amused yet annoyed at the same time. 

“Yes,” you snapped at the same time Dean muttered a ‘no’. You shot Dean a glare that could melt snow and he looked away from you. 

“Right… Well, Frank wants you in the armory,” Billy glowered, looking at Dean. Dean nodded and scurried off and you once again felt hurt he wasn't trying to work this out with you. Now you were left with Billy who was glaring at you.

“You’ve got some nerve telling Dean he can’t speak to me,” you growled. You really couldn't believe he was doing this. 

“He needs to get his head in the game, we’re into some serious shit here,” he replied with a stony look.

“Whatever,” you huffed. You couldn't be bothered dealing with him, there was no reasoning with him. You needed some air, feeling like you were suffocating with all the bullshit, and you turned around starting to walk away from the building.

“What the fuck are you doin’, Y/N?” he barked, quickly intercepting you so he was in front of you. You rolled your eyes as you clenched your jaw, eyes burning into him.

“I’m getting some air,” you bit out.

“I don’t think so,” he shook his head with a dark look.

“I don’t remember asking for your permission,” you hissed, feeling your anger turning up from simmering to boiling. Who the hell did this asshole think he was?

“It’s not safe,” he growled, taking a menacing step towards you.

“I’m just walking around the building. We’re in the middle of nowhere here!” you fumed. He was being ridiculous. He took another step towards you, tall and imposing as his eyes were ablaze.

“It's not safe. You don't know what’s out there. We got our intel but they could have theirs. We don't know if they’re hidin’ out there waitin’ for their chance to stick a bullet in you,” he seethed, tapping your temple for good measure. You smacked his hand away from you harshly.

“Like you give a shit! Stop pretending you care when really you just wanna boss me about for whatever fucking reason! I'm not one of your goddamn recruits! I don’t have to listen to you!” you yelled in frustration.

“Get your ass inside,” he growled, grabbing your wrists.

“Let me go, you asshole!” you spat. You tugged to try and get your wrists free and he went to grab you to pick you up, but you kneed him in the balls and he groaned, dropping to his knees. It had been a reflex at being manhandled like that but you didn't feel bad for one second. 

“The fuck is goin’ on out here? I can’t leave you two alone for two goddamn minutes?” Frank barked as he came outside. 

“He started it,” you muttered, not unlike a child. 

“Like hell I did,” Billy snarled from where he was on the floor, hand cradling himself. 

Frank’s eyes went to you and then Billy, heaving a large sigh.

“Get your ass up,” he muttered.

“I just got kneed in the nuts, Frankie. I’m gonna need a minute,” Billy growled with a glower.

“I don't give a shit, get up,” Frank glared. There was a tense standoff between the pair and you watched wondering what would happen. But then Billy picked himself up carefully, his body tense.

“She shouldn’t be out here, it's not safe,” Billy muttered, tensing his jaw.

“How ain’t it safe, Bill? No one knows where we are,” Frank frowned, he sounded exasperated. 

“We don’t know that. There could be someone out there right now,” Billy's arms swept dramatically around him and Frank snorted.

“Come on, man. You really think someone’s out there with a sniper with their sights trained on her? I know you don’t believe that, ‘cause if you did, you’d be on the roof with your own sniper and he’d be dead in seconds,” Frank quirked a brow at Billy and Billy shifted on his feet, shaking his head as he looked away. Things went quiet for a moment again and it was tense and uncomfortable. 

“Go inside,” Frank ordered, his voice firm and cold as his eyes bore into Billy. Billy looked shocked, offended even at the commanding tone like he was being ordered about by his partner. 

“Excuse me?” he asked, his tone calm but something told you he felt anything but.

“I said get the fuck inside,” Frank said scathingly. Billy glared at him for a moment before he scoffed, rolling his shoulder and not sparing you a glance.

“Waste of my goddamn time anyway,” he huffed, storming back inside. You hadn't realized how tightly wound you were until he was out of view and your body relaxed a little. 

“You alright?” Frank asked carefully.

“Fine. Just wanted some air,” you muttered, wrapping your arms around yourself. 

“Come on. I’ll come with,” Frank said softly, starting to walk around the building. You followed along beside him, feeling grateful he was a lot more reasonable than his counterpart. Frank was silent for a long moment and you tried to enjoy the crisp air. You were so used to being outside but you’d been stuck inside for so long. It was nice to back out here. 

“He hurt you?” Frank asked tensely after a while. You glanced at him but he was staring straight forward.

“No, just tried to grab me,” you answered with a shrug. He nodded, eyes darting to you for a brief moment.

“I don’t know what goin’ on with him. Ever since Rawlins… his face… he just ain’t been the same. He’s impulsive, reckless, can’t control his own shit… We used to be on the same page, I could read him like a book. But when he’s like this… I got no idea what's goin’ through that head of his,” Frank frowned thoughtfully. You remembered when Billy told you some of his past, when he’d mentioned he’d always been broken but it got worse after what happened to his face. You weren't really sure what to say to that so you both silently walked around the building. 

“Karen said you’re still plannin’ on leavin’ once it's done,” he blurted, eyes looking at you curiously for a moment. You tensed a little as you nodded.

“Yeah,” you replied, not knowing what else to add. You didn’t really want to talk about this again. You’d gone around and around in circles with Karen about it. Frank stopped walking and you did too with a small sigh, knowing what was coming.

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” he murmured, giving you a soft look. Your arms tightened around yourself, looking away.

“I know, but I want to. This isn't my place, Frank. I know you don't get it but I belong out there. It’s what I know,” you tried to explain. He looked away looking lost in thought as he nodded absentmindedly. 

“Well… if you change your mind, you know where we are. You’re always welcome here,” he said softly. You felt a slight warmth spread in your chest at his words and you smiled.

“Thanks,” you said sincerely. 

“And you better expect daily visits with coffee and pancakes,” he smirked ruefully, making your smile widen. It would be weird having people come to see you out there but you couldn't say you’d hate it. It had been a long while since you had anyone come to see you in your alley. The both of you set off walking then but the silence didn't feel as tense or uncomfortable. You were almost all the way around the building and back to the door when you spoke again, the question on the tip of your tongue the whole time you were out here with him.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You knew I was an addict but you never mentioned it,” you asked, curiosity burning at you as you both stopped outside of the door. 

“Didn’t see the point,” he shrugged. “You weren't here ‘cause of the drugs, you were here ‘cause the Irish wanted you dead. Didn't matter to me what you got up to. Although… I gotta admit I was plannin’ on talkin’ to you about it before you left. See if I could talk you into gettin’ checked into a rehab or some shit. But now look at you,” he shot you a smile that made your cheeks burn a little. He almost sounded proud. 

“You guys can add that to your resume. Crime stoppers, mob killers and rehabbers,” you snorted, making him chuckle. 

“Guess it was a good thing you stole that money after all. Don’t wanna think what would have happened to you if we hadn’t come to you that day,” he murmured, looking off into the distance. You nodded as you thought about it. You’d be dead, you knew that much. But Frank had given you his details because you stole the money. Miss Penthouse might have just saved your life. 

You were about to walk inside when Frank reached out, gently grasping your wrist. It was the slightest touch and as you looked at it, he quickly retracted his hand, a sheepish look on his face.

“Don’t let him get to you. He’s… complicated, likes to push buttons. Sometimes he gets so into his own head I don’t think he knows how to get out of there,” he said softly. He didn't need to say the name for you to know who he was talking about. 

“As long as he stays out of my way and stops trying to order me around, I’m good,” you replied, giving him a pointed look. He nodded, giving you a small smile before he opened the door and you both walked inside. Your eyes drifted to Dean who was lingering around the training area with some other guys. You knew you’d need to corner him again at some point, try to get him to see reason that he didn't need to listen to Billy. You remembered being a teenager, how he’d come to see you and bring you food, try to comfort you if you were sad, try to talk you out of a life of drug use. When he’d gone missing, you practically grieved for him. But now he was here and you didn't want him to shut you out like this. Not when he was basically all you had. You perched on the table closest to the door, Frank hovering around you.

“Gonna get training the guys harder. Need to amp it up a little, make sure they're ready for the big finale. It’s gonna get messy,” he muttered darkly. You had no idea how he did it, all the violence and death. You didn't have it in you to take on this kind of burden. The man you killed in the alley drifted to your mind and you tried to shut it out. 

“Sir, I found a new potential recruit,” a man said as he approached Frank after coming inside the building. It was the same guy you’d conned to let you leave for your fix. You noticed alarmingly that he had faded bruises around his throat and you wondered what the hell happened to him.

“Alright, let me get Karen and the others. We’ll talk to him,” Frank muttered, moving off to find them. The other man moved over to the door, telling the potential to come in. When he did, you felt like you couldn’t breathe. Your head swiveled to the other side of the room, your eyes meeting Dean’s horrified gaze. 

“Stay here, they’ll be right out,” the bruised man spoke before hurrying off, giving you a sheepish look. All you could do was blink at the man standing there for a moment and his lips curled into a smug smirk.

“What are you doing here?!” you hissed as you stormed over to him.

“What are you doing here, sweet cheeks?” he asked in return, looking like the cat that ate the canary. Your chest felt like it was caving in as you looked at him, rendered mute at how the world loved to keep shitting on you.

“I heard word that my baby brother was shacking up with these guys, taking on the good fight. Imagine my surprise when I found out he was alive and well,” his smile turned cruel as he took a step towards you but you couldn't move.

“And then on the way here, that asshole went on and on about the homeless girl they’d taken in. How she was an addict and the Irish mob wanted her dead. And when he said it was you… well, I couldn't believe my luck,” he grinned darkly. You swallowed thickly, your hands clenching into fists. Your fight, flight or freeze kicked in and your body decided now was the time to freeze. Nothing good would come from him being here. He didn’t come here with good intentions. 

“Heard you're clean now. I’d say I’m disappointed but we both know it won't last long. Tell me, Y/N, you itching for a hit yet?” he smirked, his eyes glinting sinisterly at you as he stepped right into your space.

“Get the fuck away from her!” Dean snarled, shoving his brother roughly away from you. It only made Josh laugh though.

“There a problem here?” Frank asked slowly. Your eyes snapped to them then, the main group. Karen loved to jokingly refer to them all as the elders, the ones who founded the place. Karen was watching with a worried look on her face, Frank just confused and wary. You couldn’t read Curtis or Micro but Billy's dark eyes were narrowed dangerously as they swept over the three of you.

“No problem, sir,” Dean muttered, his voice wavering a little as he took your wrist and made you both take a step back. You were too in shock to really understand what was happening, your mind spinning. 

“Right… Well… If you follow us, we’ll have a talk, see if you’ll fit in here,” Frank replied. He still sounded unsure, his eyes looking at you concerned but you wouldn't meet their eyes. You felt trapped. Josh gave them an innocent grin, moving to follow them to a table nearby they all moved to sit at. You noticed that Dean followed on behind a little, hovering around the table. You moved over to the door, slipping out of it quickly. You felt unable to breathe, your chest tight and uncomfortable. He couldn't be here, you didn’t want him here. Someone grabbed your wrist and you jumped, a yelp leaving your lips as you were turned around. Billy looked at you with his face blank, but his touch on your wrist was light. 

“I’m gonna ask you somethin’ and you're gonna give me an honest answer,” it wasn't a request, it was a demand and you nodded dumbly, eyes feeling fuzzy and unfocused. 

“Is that him? Is that Josh?” he asked, his voice low and rough. Your eyes met his then, seeing the fire behind them. You couldn't speak, didn't know what to say. Dean obviously didn’t want people to know but what else could you do? Allow him to be here for whatever nefarious reasons he’d turned up? Your mouth opened but nothing came out, your eyes wide and panicked. It seemed to be answer enough though as Billy's eyes darkened even more, his jaw ticking before he let you go and rushed inside. 

You weren't sure what was about to happen but your feet felt the need to follow him. You got inside just in time to see Billy grab Josh by his jacket, yanking him from his seat like a ragdoll before pinning him to the wall by his throat. 

“The fuck, Bill?” Frank asked, jumping up, the others following suit. Billy seemed to pay them no mind as he glared at Josh, who was infuriatingly smirking at him.

“You think you’re funny, huh? Comin’ here to mess with people’s heads? Think you’re a big man?” Billy growled at him. Josh blinked at him, looking unfazed for a man with a hand around his neck.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he bit out, obviously having a hard time with his windpipe being squeezed.

“Let him go, Billy,” Karen chided, looking confused.

“You get off on people’s sufferin’, you piece of shit?! You love it when they come grovellin’ back to you for more?!” Billy snarled viciously at him. You watched on as Curtis and Frank managed to get a furious Billy off him and Josh sagged in relief against the wall, rubbing his neck. He tilted his head at Billy, his eyes drifting to you for a brief moment before going back to Billy and his lips curled into a smirk.

“She tell you what she let me do to her to get her fix? How she let me put my dick in her just for some H?” Josh grinned cruelly. You felt sick, hand coming to your stomach as you felt shame burn through your entire being. Billy let out a roar as he ran at him, grabbing his arm and swinging him around. Josh fell to his knees and Billy, still holding Josh’s wrist, slammed his other hand down so hard that Josh’s arm cracked and he screamed. You stumbled backwards, seeing Josh’s arm at an unnatural angle and you heard murmuring and yelling all around you as the whole thing drew a crowd.

“You’re gonna let them do this to me? Your own brother?!” Josh screeched as he glared at Dean, tears down his face at the pain. 

“I don’t have a brother,” was Dean’s cold response. 

“Wait a minute, this is him?” Frank asked, looking from Billy to Josh and then you. You hadn't told Frank anything about your past which led you to believe Billy had. You weren't sure how to feel about it but you were in no state to even process it. Billy didn’t answer but his dark and crazed eyes met Frank and you knew they were somehow communicating without words. 

Billy grabbed Josh by the front of his jacket, hauling him up and making him cry out as his arm that hung limply at his side got jostled. Billy held him against the wall, a menacing smirk on his face.

“Say the word, Y/N, and I’ll snap his neck,” Billy grinned darkly. His words were met with murmurs and shock from everyone and Josh laughing deliriously from the pain.

“What?” you asked, your voice sounding hollow. You couldn't understand what he was saying to you. Still holding Josh up, he turned his gaze to you then. His face was serious now, all traces of amusement gone. 

“Say the word and I’ll do it,” he bit out. You blinked at him, a frown gracing your face. Josh had done a lot of things, to you and to others. But there was no way you could have that on your conscience and you weren't sure how to feel about Billy offering to kill someone for you. You shook your head, stomach churning as you felt bile rising in your throat. If there was one word to sum up Billy’s face at your response, it would have been disappointment. He turned back to Josh then only to see he was already looking at you.

“Don’t you look at her!” he raged, his fist connecting to Josh’s face hard. You winced, closing your eyes as your heart sped up. You weren't built for this, for the violence. It reminded you so much of your childhood and you leaned back on the wall feeling like you might pass out. But Billy kept hitting him and hitting him until Frank grabbed him once more and Josh collapsed into a heap on the floor. His face was a bloodied mess and swollen and you looked away, covering your mouth with a shaky hand. 

“You’re gonna kill him,” Frank muttered harshly, giving Billy a firm look.

“He’s a criminal, Frank. He hurts people. Ain’t that what we do? Take out the bad guys?” Billy asked as he caught his breath. The look in his eyes was absolutely unhinged.

“He’s a piece of shit dealer, not a murderer. There’s lines we don’t cross,” Curtis frowned, looking at Billy disapprovingly. Billy snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, please spare me the holier-than-thou bullshit, Curt. You got no idea what he’s done,” he replied darkly.

You wobbled where you stood for a moment and felt an arm steady you. You looked over to see Dean, his eyes assessing you worried. He didn't look upset at what just happened at all but you knew he must have felt something deep inside of him. 

“We need to just let him go,” Karen murmured. She looked shaken up, her arms around herself as she toyed with her lip with her hand. 

“Seriously? We let him go? And he what, goes back to ruinin’ people’s lives?” Billy asked derisively. 

“We can’t let him go,” Dean spoke up from beside you. All eyes turned to him then and you felt some of them sweep to you with concern. You looked ready to have a heart attack. 

“Why not?” Frank asked. He sounded so done with all the bullshit.

“He knows about the Irish. I know my brother, he’s gonna want revenge for this. The first thing he’ll do is tell the Irish where to find you and send them right to Y/N,” Dean muttered tensely. There was an unsettling silence that fell over you all then and you shifted where you stood. Why did bad things seem to follow you wherever you went?

“That settles it then. I vote for snappin’ his neck,” Billy grinned, brows raised. There was some agreement from the crowd of recruits who had been watching like it was a new action movie. 

“Bill… We can’t just…” Frank tailed off frustratedly, running his hands over his head in agitation. 

“We could just keep him here? Put him in one of the spare rooms, lock him in?” Curtis suggested with a shrug.

“Keep him prisoner?” Karen asked, looking conflicted. 

“Like fuck he’s stayin’ here. I ain’t havin’ him under this roof, Frankie,” there was a warning tone to Billy’s voice as he glared at Frank. 

“I agree with Billy,” Dean said quietly. You turned to look at him, shock coloring your face. You hated Josh with your entire being. He’d got you hooked on that shit when you were just a kid that had suffered terrible trauma. You knew you weren't the only one he’d done that to. You knew he was sick and there was no way he’d ever be able to turn his life around. He was too far gone, too messed up. He wasn't just a dealer, selling drugs because it was good money. He genuinely enjoyed the suffering it brought people, loved the power he held over them. But you couldn't bring yourself to agree that taking his life was the right thing to do. Didn't agree with playing god like that. It felt wrong. 

“I say we take a vote,” Micro piped up for the first time. He hadn’t even moved from where he’d been sitting at the table, just watching it all unfold 

“Good idea. All in favor of killin’ the asshole?” Billy grinned, raising his hand. There was a murmuring of agreement and your eyes swept over the crowd seeing the hands go up. It was most of the people there and you looked around, seeing Dean’s hand raised along with Micro’s. And when your eyes drifted to Karen, she hesitantly put her hand up and Billy flashed her a grin and Frank’s shoulders slumped. Your stomach sank. 

“Jesus Christ… Bill…” Frank looked at him incredulously but Billy just smirked at him.

“It’s done. We don't run a place where people don't feel safe, Frank. The people have spoken, he’s gotta go,” he replied with a raised brow. 

“You know what, you do what you gotta do but I’m takin’ no part in it. You shoot him, make it clean and make it quick,” Frank muttered, shaking his head before walking off to the stairs, Karen hurrying to follow him. 

“Alright, at ease, assholes! Nothin’ to see here!” Billy called out, making the crowd dissipate quickly. Curtis shook his head as he walked away but Micro just turned back to his laptop, tapping away at his keyboard. Billy bent down, slapping Josh’s face harshly.

“Time to get up,” he growled. Josh muttered something unintelligible as Billy grabbed him, practically dragging him outside. You still stood by the door, heart feeling like it was about to burst out of your chest. Dean’s hand was still on your shoulder and you heard the gunshot outside, flinching as you squeezed your eyes shut. Dean’s hand tightened on your shoulder and you felt sick. You made a dash for the bathroom, quickly falling to the floor in front of the toilet as you emptied the contents of your stomach. Flashes were bursting behind your eyes of all the times Josh had toyed with you when you needed your next fix. How he loved it when you didn't have the money, loved having you under him desperate and traumatized as he had his way with you. Now he was dead, yet you didn't feel any relief from it. He was a piece of shit but he was still a person and he was dead because of you. He came here and died because of what he’d done to you. Because the Irish wanted you and everyone knew he’d turn you in. When you were done, you stood on shaky legs and walked over to the sink, washing your mouth out with water. You didn't recognise the traumatized girl staring back at you in the mirror. Your hands gripped the sink tightly as you lowered your head and took some deep breaths. 

The door opened and you glanced over to see Billy come in, lingering just inside. You didn't say anything, just watched him with shell-shocked eyes as he looked at you intently and tilted his head.

“Not even a thank you?” he asked, sounding amused. Your mouth gaped in shock as you moved from the sink and he stepped closer to you.

“Are you- Seriously? You just killed him!” you hissed incredulously. Billy’s eyebrows raised, a derisive laugh leaving his lips.

“Wow… alright, thought you’d be more grateful after all the shit he did to you. Or maybe you’re just worried now you won’t be able to go runnin’ to him for your shit anymore,” he smirked cruelly. Your hand connected with his face so hard that the sound of the slap echoed off the walls and his head snapped to the side. His hand came to his face, shock all over it as he blinked at you.

“You gave him this big speech how he loves to fuck with people’s minds and gets off on people suffering, but how are you any better? All you’ve done since I’ve got clean is throw it back in my face! I’ve done nothing to you, absolutely nothing, and for some reason, you’ve decided to make me feel as small as Josh used to!” you exploded vehemently. 

“You told me you’re broken and honestly, I think you're right if you think for one second I’m gonna thank you for killing someone for me! He was a monster but murder doesn't solve everything! It doesn't make me feel better that he’s dead, it doesn't take away my trauma that he's dead! So don't stand there and act like you killed him for me when you did it because you're fucking messed up!” you yelled, eyes pricking with tears. He didn't say anything, hand still on his face where you struck him as he blinked at you slowly. You didn't want to wait around for him to spit more cruel words at you so you shoved past him and out of the door. You couldn't believe him. He’d asked you if you wanted him to kill him and you told him no but he’d done it anyway. You just wanted it all to end. You wanted to just go back to your alley where it was quiet and there was no violence surrounding you. You’d run away to escape the horrors of violence, only to find yourself in the arms of it once again. 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate @blanchedelioncourt @ariesbutalibra @sunshinedaisies-anddeath @snowkestrel @music-indie-tv @idaofinfinity @sweetserendipity65 @ramadiiiisme @k-marzolf

@celestialams

[mariposavuela]

I haven't made a vent post on tumblr in years.

I'm supposed to be on writing moratorium for a week but I am so full of pain that I can't not externalize it.

My period started today which might explain why I've been so weepy this past week or maybe it's the fact that I started a new therapist next week who actually started off the bat with a PTSD diagnostic test for me.

You know the relief when someone finally listens to you? When someone finally hears you and recognizes what you're feeling?

I have no one in my life who will do that with me. I have no support system int he city I live in. Therapy is the only place and I am hopeful it will help, but I have also just started again with this new place and I have to rehash everything.

And the list just gets longer and longer. I feel like I'm brimming with resentments and nobody helps me with them. People all try to correct me without listening to me and all it does is make me feel lonelier and angrier.

I am so angry and upset that people I trusted used that trust to sexually assault me. I am so angry and upset that a stranger did the same thing. I am so angry and upset that I can't just be angry and upset without people judging me. I am so angry and upset that people don't offer me sympathy.

My support system has been dissolving around me this past year and I am hopeless that I am ever going to get better. I am hopeless that I will ever be able to handle myself independently and I am hopeless that anyone would ever want to help me. My best friend moved back home across the country so I can't talk to her. My pastor was fired for a clusterfuck of reasons a year ago and now I don't trust anyone who tries to help me because I keep wondering if they're just going to end up awful too.

I tried living in a Christian community house and everyone here is so immature and afraid of sorrow and think the appropriate response to trauma is to tell me to rejoice always anyways. When they hurt my feelings, they tell me Jesus is my strength. While this is true, I think Jesus would be upset that the thing he has to protect me from is my housemates' selfishness and thoughtlessness.

I hate where I live. I hate the disappointment of my hopes. I hate it worse here than anywhere else I've lived because 1. it's recency bias and 2. I thought Christians were supposed to try to be better. Even if it's an impossible task to be Good, I thought Christians were supposed to try. I would have so many fewer hurt feelings if Christians just showed me some effort to care.

Once when I was little, my even younger cousin saw me crying. I was like six years old and we were watching Bambi. She was like two years old and she saw me crying so she handed me a toy cymbal. It wasn't like she did anything huge to help me. She didn't talk me through my grief. She didn't have beautiful healing wisdom. She was two years old. But she saw I was sad and saw earlier that I had played with the toy cymbals and had been happy, so she handed me the toy to see if it would help.

It's just the effort that means something. That someone sees you're sad and tries. That I didn't have to reach out, that someone else of their own volition tried to do something.

When my housemates ask me how I'm doing and I explain, then they sit in this interminable silence and I regret saying anything in the first place.

I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I hate my life. I hate how selfish that sounds. My life is not hard. I have a physically safe house. I have food and shelter and safety. I am in a job that feels meaningful to me. I make no money but I have enough to get me through to the end of this program. I live in a place where the landscape is beautiful and birds sing and the grass is green and soft.

And I cannot escape the rumination on this pain. I can't stop thinking about how three years ago I gave myself to a man who decided it was a good idea to put my hand on his dick while I was asleep. I loved a man who dealt with us breaking up by trying to rape me. I forgave and forgave and forgave him and I used up all my forgiveness on him I guess because now I can't do it anymore.

I am in interminable pain and I see no end. I spent all day today doing meaningless activities to distract myself from my suicidality. I took a long evening nap so I can't sleep now and I am full of pelvic cramps so I doubly can't sleep now. Everything in me aches. The period cramps will stop in twenty four hours but the grief won't. I'm going to be sad forever. I am never going to see the light. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I'm posting because if I post this I can pretend that someone will read this and offer me hope. Writing is the only recourse I have ever had for anything that has ever hurt. I haven't been able to write all year. I have no recourse for my pain. Nobody cares that I am hurt. Nobody cares when they hurt me. I have nothing left to give anyone and they keep taking more.

I am so exhausted. The only hope I have is in the resurrection. The day Jesus will wipe every tear from our eyes. But I don't have hope that I will reach that day because I have wanted to quit my religion so many times this year. I'm scared I'm going to reach my breaking point this summer. I'm scared no one will care that they pushed me to it.

[moemammon]

You are not Beyoncé but you're singing your heart out when you think you're home alone.

(Featuring the demon brothers and GN!MC)

For once, you had the house to yourself! Was this a miracle?? Were the heavens finally smiling down on you from above? Was this the result of all your good karma??? Whatever it was, you were almost certain that you were alone for once.

And what did that mean? Time for a good ol' fashion jam session. You put on your favorite tunes and set them to blast through the speaker of your D.D.D. while you danced around the house, singing your heart out. Who cared if some of your notes were flat, or if you had to drop a few pitches to hit those high notes?

Not you. You were just living your best life without a care in the world.

Until...

Lucifer

Of course the eldest would be around. Arguably the most mysterious and omnipotent brother in the house, so yeah. He's there.

He told you this morning that he’d have a meeting to attend after classes today. You thought he’d be out for a long while, but it just so happened that the meeting ended early today, much to his relief.

Not to yours though, because that means that Lucifer has front row seats to your amazing concert without your permission.

He didn't even have the courtesy to make himself known! He just waited in the kitchen, quietly preparing his coffee while your singing echoed through the halls.

You were sauntering your way to the kitchen as well, fumbling over forgotten lyrics without a care in the world, when you saw him.

Enemy spotted.

Does this mean he heard every single time your voice cracked-

Your eyes lock and Lucifer doesn't even mention what you were just doing, despite the obviously being within earshot of you.

You really start feeling the heat rising in your cheeks when he says "You seem to be in a good mood. Did something good happen to you at RAD today?"

Regardless of how you respond (or not), Lucifer turns his back to you to tidy up, and says "....I don't believe I've ever heard your singing before. You'll have to give me an encore in my office some time."

You swear you can hear the mischief in his tone....

Mammon

This seriously was unheard of. An afternoon without having mammon glued to your hip?? Hell must've frozen over or something.

Regardless, you weren't going to take this for granted! Mammon did mention something about a 'foolproof money making scheme' he had a dream about last night, so he was probably off trying to see if he could make it a reality.

Things like this usually took a huge chunk of greedy boy's afternoon, so you figured you were safe to sing as you pleased!

Besides, he probably would've texted you if he were on the way home, right?

Apparently not, because Mammon was very much home, and did not send you a text. Honestly? He forgot to. He was too busy wallowing in self pity.

How was he supposed to know that using magic to duplicate grim was illegal??

He managed to escape any real trouble and made his way back home, only to have his ears immediately blessed (or assaulted) by your singing.

He's not the type to sit around in secret until you notice him, so catch this boy marching around the house until he finds you himself. Not so quietly calling out your name the entire time, too.

Mammon caught you in the empty library singing your heart out. The acoustics were great in there! They also kinda drowned out the outside noise, so you couldn't really hear him yelling for you.

"Oh, I thought you were screamin' about a bug or something. What song is that?"

He's not shy about singing in the shower at the top of his lungs, so it's not like he's judging you?? But he's got his phone out when you spot him. The bastard is recording you...

So your knee jerk reaction is to attack

"Wh- Oi!! What're ya hitting me for?! I don't care if it's just a pillow- Hey!"

He has chosen death. Goodbye Mammon.

Leviathan

It was kind of bold of you to assume that Levi would ever be out of the house, but he DID mention something about a concert he wanted to attend..? Or some kind of book signing?

You don't really remember, and you don't have the mental strength to scroll through the sea of spam texts he's sent you today.

C'est la vie.

Since you're pretty sure you're alone, you're not taking your solo concert all around the house of lamentation, from the foyer to the west wing, up to the attic and down to the dining room.

Gotta find the perfect spot to sing this next part. It's got a really good bit with a flute, and you wanna stare longingly out of a window or something-

And it's when you pass by otaku man's room that he decides to make himself known by poking his head out. His headset is around his neck and his hair's a little tousled, hinting that he was in the middle of gaming.

You freeze. Neither of you can look the other in the eye.

It takes a while before the silence can be broken, but before you can say a word, Levi speaks.

"Y-You know... you should come to karaoke with me! Only if you want to, I mean! I didn't know you were a fan of singing, so... but you probably have other plans, right? You don't want to hang out with a gross otaku like me blah blah blah-"

You aren't sure if your brain is malfunctioning from being caught in the act, or from the word vomit spilling from everyone's favorite weeb.

Satan

Satan is a good, studious boy so you assumed he was staying after class to head to the library. He was lagging behind, so you didn't question it.

Or maybe he was planning his next prank? Lucifer did have to make an announcement tomorrow morning in front of the student body, and Satan had been awfully interested in glitter bombs lately...

Whatever the case, he wasn't home right now! Or so you thought.

You were busy switching between two different choruses AND a sick guitar riff all in one song, so there was no time to be thinking about the demon's whereabouts.

You did wonder where you left your bag at, though. You vaguely recalled dumping it at the front door, so maybe that's where it was?

Scooting your way down the hall like a music powered locomotive, you were right in the middle of imitating the sound of drums when you spotted the trembling grin plastered to Satan's face.

Hm.

Maybe you could ask Diavolo about sending you back to the human world right now.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were here, or I would've said something." Satan tells you, clearing his throat to further suppress his laughter. From the way his shoulders are shaking, he was barely holding on.

"I didn't think you were the type to like songs like that. Do you have a playlist you could recommend me? I'm interested after seeing how much you enjoy it."

That cheeky grin of his never breaks for a second, so you can't tell if he's actually asking for recommendations, or if he's watching for your reaction.

Asmo

Not a surprise that you assumed he wasn't home, since he rarely is. He's always out partying or shopping around, so you usually don't see him much around this time.

But that also means you're free to sing as loudly as you want! Look out Mariah Carey, there's a new high note singer in town.

Asmo can vouch for that! Because he can hear you. Clearly.

Okay but he's one of those people that joins in while you're singing.

Legit the moment he goes inside and recognizes your song, he's trying to serenade you from the other side of the house.

And boy do you hear him. This man can SING (as expected of a fallen angel), and he likes to sing loudly. He wants all eyes on him after all!

And maybe you'll be so smitten by his angelic voice that you'll come running into his arms and beg that he takes you right then and there!

Wishful thinking though, because that is not how you reacted. Boo...

He finds you, and wants to know what you think of his voice. "Well? My singing was beautiful, wasn't it~? I used to sing all the time up in the celestial realm! I don't mind giving you some private lessons back in my room~"

Was he implying that you needed lessons? Maybe... but he's a sweetheart about it so can you really be mad at him?

Beel

A crepe cart recently opened up for a limited time, and there was no way Beel was going to miss that. And knowing him, he wouldn't come home until there were no traces of food left in sight.

So you figured you'd have plenty of time to brush up on your sea shanties! Bold of you to assume...

Beel can inhale a billion times his weight in food in like, five minutes. What made you think he wouldn't be back home by now?

He was full for a good ten minutes (a new record!) and spent that time in his bedroom, hence why you didn't hear his usual rummaging through the kitchen for food.

Speaking of food, you were feeling kind of hungry yourself! And a little parched from all the singing, so a snack break couldn't hurt!

You slid on your socks along the hardwood floor all the way to the kitchen... where you nearly slammed into Beel. There he was, the mad lad himself.

He was also on the way to the kitchen. Surprise surprise, right? And he managed to catch you by the shoulders before you could slide into anything.

Beel is the least phased by your singing. He just thinks it's nice that you were comfortable enough to sing so loudly! Good to see that you're enjoying yourself.

He doesn't exactly address it? Instead he moves his hand forward to place something into yours.

It's a crepe that he saved, just for you! You stare at the delicate pastry, all topped with layers of fluffy whipped cream, strawberries and blueberries, and lovingly drizzled with chocolate sauce! There's a bite taken out of the side, though-

"I tried my best to hold back, but I took a bite. Sorry..."

How can you be mad at him?? You're not even embarrassed about the singing anymore tbh. Too full of love to care 💕💕

Belphie

When,,,, was Belphie ever not home,, like,,,,

This man has never seen a classroom in his life, so it's not like you could've expected him to be at RAD.

And he wasn't usually in town?? Definitely a homebody.

But Beel wanted someone to go with him to that crepe cart, and Belphie couldn't exactly turn his dear brother down when he gave him those big baby eyes-

And since Beel wasn't home, you figured Belphie was still out, too!

Spoiler alert: you thought wrong.

Belphie was home, and now wide awake thanks to your banshee screams singing. He managed to slip away from Beel when he got too tired. He didn't really want a crepe anyway, so he decided to head back.

Only to be rudely awaken... how dare you...

He's hellbent on finding you, JUST so he can get you to shush. Please.. let him rest his weary bones...

When he does locate you, you have your back turned to him and your music on max volume, occupying yourself with grabbing your clean laundry to take back to your room.

He doesn't speak, instead choosing to watch you shimmy around to the beat of your song. And when you do a little spin, you turn right around to face him and get to witness the sheer amusement on his face.

He's NOT letting your forget about this moment. And you can't escape him either, he won't let you.

The bastard corners you just to repeatedly ask "Hey, what were you singing? I haven't heard that one in a while. Mind singing it again for me?"

"With a voice like that, I'm afraid to ask you to sing me a lullaby."

"...Just kidding. Your face is really red right now, you know?"

You feel the sudden urge to stuff him into the dryer, but you resist.

The urge grows stronger when he imitates the little dance you were doing.

[theonewiththefanfics]

Shield (one-shot)

Synopsis: To the new Captain America she might just be a human shield. But Bucky can see there’s more to it. What he can’t understand is why she stays.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Genre: angst, lil bit of fluff

Warnings: mentions of blood and guns, swearing, torture, low mental state etc.

Word count: 3591

I am going absolutely feral about the fact that a portion of the series takes place in Latvia as I am Latvian :D Just seeing the signs and streets (which are not really ours cause they filmed in Prague, but are similar enough I can envision it), especially because we’re such a small country is amazeballs, so to be in such a huge show with my MCU faves is insane. Had the same kind of reaction to Brooklyn Nine-Nine with Nikolaj and the Captain Latvia episode. Riga hammer for the win :D 

P.S. John Walker is not Captain America cause he does not posses America’s ass. Also Zemo is one hundred percent Bucky’s and Sam’s sugar daddy. I won’t accept any dispute over this.

P.S.S. please also remember - John Walker is a character not a real person. John Walker is played by an actor who is doing his job the same way the actor who played Joffrey did. Do not harass him etc. but rather appreciate the insane talent he has. This place is a Wyatt Russell stan place.

P.S.S.S. Kinda spoilers for the show so if you haven’t seen it, don’t read this.

He hated him. Bucky genuinely hates him. He never thought he had despised something or someone so much, not even HYDRA, as much as he hated John Walker – the new Captain America. He wanted to scream at that, at the fact that this arrogant asshole was carrying Steve’s shield, the symbol of freedom and everything good, while in reality, he embodied none of what it stood for.

           Walker and what he’d learned his sidekick was Battlestar, had swooped in from a helicopter while Sam and he had been following the Flag-Smasher vehicles, and, well, they hadn’t been a lot of help, which he shouldn’t be too surprised about. But what he had been surprised about was when they’d all been thrown off of the semi-trucks and scattered all around a field, someone else had been in the mix as well. 

A young woman with Y/H/C hair and determined Y/E/C eyes was rushing towards them, screaming for them to stay on the ground. When Bucky looked behind, he could see why given how one of the radicalised people had jumped from the trucks and was barreling at them with an automatic cocked at them

           But it wasn’t Walker who jumped up running past her, shield at the ready to take on the fire. No. He just remained sitting as the stranger kept her pace. She leapt at the two with a grace of a cat, pushing him and Sam back to the ground and immediately got blown back by the received ammunition, gasps leaving her mouth as the bullets entered her body.

           Sam’s wings extended and created a body length shield as Bucky snatched one of the knives strapped to the man’s side and flung it with deadly accuracy into the Flag-Smasher’s neck, dropping him to the ground. 

           There was blood when he looked back. There was so much blood, and once again it was all over Bucky’s hands, and he couldn’t breathe properly, pressing down on her abdomen and shoulder and side, and. oh god, there were too many bullet wounds...

           Two wide Y/E/C eyes stared back up at him, mouth gasping down shallow breaths as he held down on her wounds trying to stop the blood from pouring out. God, there was so much of it.

           “Don’t close your eyes,” he gritted, his body trembling. “Well get you help. You’ll be alright.”

           But then Walker spoke up, and Bucky saw read because of a different reason. “She’s fine, just leave it.”

           His head snapped to see that arrogant bastard cross his arms as he hissed. “Leave it? She’s fucking bleeding out! She took those bullets for you, and you just want to leave it?!”

           Walker just smirked, nudging his chin towards her body. “You’ll see.”

           “You let her use herself as a shield while you did nothing!”

           “Yeah,” he scoffed. “Because that’s her whole point.”

           And that’s when Bucky felt her skin shift underneath his hands. Slowly the blood stopped pouring out, Y/N’s breathing evened, and her eyes closed not because death was calling, but because of relief as the regenerative cells kicked into high gear.

           Bucky gazed in wonder as the wounds closed up, and when only scar tissue remained he snapped his blue eyes to her, Y/E/C ones already staring back at him.

           “Who are you?” he whispered

           “A human shield that’s what,” Walker answered in her stead, but Bucky just sneered.

           “I asked who, not a what. She’s a fucking person.”

           Once more he looked back down and saw a strange look in her eyes. It was as if she was trying to decipher what those words meant, but once the shock from such a huge assault had ended, she gulped down a breath and gave him a crooked smile. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

           A lopsided one came to grace his own face. “I’m James Buchanan Barnes, but you can call me Bucky.”

           “Bucky.” Her eyebrow rose. “Well, it’s very nice to finally meet you.”

           He smiled at her, and not the painful smile he’d given the senator before her arrest, but a real genuine smile, one that made the skin around his eyes crinkle. 

           “And it’s very nice you didn’t decide to die on us.”

           “Yeah, yeah, can we cut this meet and greet shorter?” Walker interrupted them, and if Bucky hadn’t been holding onto Y/N’s shoulder as she tried to rise from the ground, he would’ve punched the guy. 

           “I told you she was going to be fine.”

           Bucky threw him his best murder glare but stopped when he felt Y/N squeeze his hand as if saying ‘don’t bother.' His brows furrowed in confusion. She just shook her head.

           “We should still find you a hospital.” He talked to Y/N directly, ignoring what the new Captain was saying. “It doesn’t matter that you can survive something like that, I’d rather make sure you’re checked out by professionals.

           “It won’t be necessary.” Walker slipped the shield on his arm and nudged his partner to start walking with him, pretty much expecting the rest to follow. “It was her choice anyway to take the hits.”

           “It doesn’t mean she should!” Bucky pretty much hollered, startling even Sam.

           At that, he saw Y/N’s eyes widen and her head snap up to look at him. All the breath got knocked out from Bucky at the emotion in her face. It was like she didn’t believe what he was saying like she didn’t know it was a possibility to not put her own life before someone else’s, that maybe someone is supposed to do it for her, someone could protect her.

           “She absorbs fucking bullets and infuses them in her body.” John mocked. “I’d say it’s a win-win on both sides. Everyone else stays safe, and she gets stronger, right? The whole bleeding thing is a hitch in the system, but our guys say with enough scuffles that should stop as well.”

Walker looked at her. Y/N just gulped, staring back down at the ground between her knees. 

           When he looked back at everything the moment he’d seen Zemo in the cell and the asshole had said something still remained in him from the Winter Soldier, came back to connect with the scene. He’d hated that sentence because Bucky knew it was true. The Soldier would always be a part of him, but that was what therapy was for – to accept it and let go. But in that minute, he wouldn’t have cared one bit if the ruthless assassin came to the surface if it meant snapping Walker’s neck like a stick. 

           He treated the woman as if she was below him, as if Steve’s shield somehow made him better than her, better than anyone, and yet, even when he’d been given the privilege to carry it, he’d rather use a human person, no matter if they had powers, as a shield.

           A soft hand touched his side, and Bucky looked at Y/N, his breathing heavy at Walker’s words. 

           “I’m alright.” Her voice was softer than he thought it would be. Maybe it was because she was trying to stay out of John’s earshot, but even the gentle whisper made something in Bucky’s chest stir. “Thank you,” she said. “For checking up on me.”

           Bucky stiffly nodded, standing up and offering both his hands for her to take, but even with that, it took Sam holding her by the waist to be able to stand. The Falcon had to catch her, in fact, when she took her first steps, an awkward chuckle escaping her mouth. 

           “It’s been a while since a hit like this.”

           Sam quirked a brow and smirked. “You always have a tendency to do stupid shit like that?”

           Y/N’s whole body relaxed as he said so, and a sting went through Bucky’s own. How bad were they treating her if basic kindness and a little bit of joking made her feel so safe?

           Just as he was about to ask her more, to offer to take her with them, Walker spoke up again. That conversation was an absolute disaster, and the fact that Walker thought Sam and him would actually ever consider working with him on this mission was idiotic. 

           It ended with the two Avengers watching how Walker threw an arm around Y/N’s shoulders, making her knees buckle with the weight, her from still regaining strength, but he didn’t care, just dragged her along with him and Battlestar.

           “Are we just gonna let ‘em do that to her?” Bucky sneered, arms crossed watching their retreating forms over the field.

           He felt Sam glower next to him. “There’s not much we can do.”

           He hated that he was right.

           Bucky couldn’t stop thinking about Y/N. One meeting had left him shaken to the core not just about her, but about how there was something deeply off with the new Captain America, that if they didn’t take action something horrible would happen, not just because of his arrogance, but because of some seed he could feel had rooted itself in the other man’s heart.

           But by that point they’d been in Madripoor, had met Sharon who’d been on the run from the US government ever since the dismantlement of the Avengers, and had now followed a lead to where the Flag-Smashers had settled in Latvia.

           Zemo seemed to not only have a billion cars, but a billion apartments scattered around the world, this one being in the heart of the Old Town. 

           Bucky was on the roof looking over the twinkling lights of the city. His bed had been too soft as it always was, and even the floor wasn’t it for him, not a wink of sleep coming his way as his thoughts were flooded by Y/N.

           Well, the sleep part wasn’t true. He had been able to drift off, only to dream of how the woman didn’t get better, didn’t absorb those bullets and had died right in his arms. That’s when he decided he needed a breath of fresh air.

           The sound of shuffling feet made him whip around from the scenic view only to be greeted by a form he’d now recognise in a full-on ski-suit in pitch-black darkness.

           “What are you doing here?” Bucky stood up wanting to stride over and check her for any wounds she might’ve gotten while around Walker. Any new scar on her body would mean the same number of teeth he’d knock from that Walmart-version-Captain-America’s mouth.

           “Came to warn you.” She shrugged, soft winds making her coat flutter. “John and Lemar are resting, but come morning they’ll be on your ass, so you might wanna make a move now.”

           Bucky shook his head. “I don’t get you. You’re nothing like them, I can see that you know how wrong it is, for him to be carrying that shield, that he’s making a mockery out of the name and legacy Steve built, and yet…”

           Y/N hung her head lifting her shoulders, hands in her pockets. “I gotta do what I gotta do.”

           “He’s an asshole,” Bucky hissed. 

           Y/N gave him a painful look. “I know. But I don’t have anywhere to go. Besides… you have your own way of making amends. Well, this is mine.”

           Dark brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

           She let out a painful chuckle, not because of the memories now plaguing her waking thoughts, but because her wounds were still healing, and instantly Bucky came closer and took her hand, running a soothing thumb over her palm. Wounds he was sure were new.

           Y/N froze at his touch, and Bucky was about to pull away when she put her own thumb over his. He had to bite back tears at how tenderly she was looking down at his palm. Like no one had ever comforted her when it hurt. 

           “When the Blip happened,” she started, voice low and quiet. “I watched how my sister and mom disappeared right in front of my eyes. We were driving over the Golden Gate Bridge, and there was a truck before us. It was carrying loads of metal scraps. The driver of the truck got blipped as well.” She swallowed harshly. “I can still feel how the beam went through my shoulder, how it broke the bone and skin, and how I just wanted to disappear like they had just to make the pain stop. But I didn’t. It hurt so bad.” Y/N looked at Bucky, tears running down her face. “It was burning and tearing, and so much pain… and all I could do was scream, but no one heard me because everyone else was screaming, and I was just one of the thousands doing it.”

           Y/N shook her head, and when Bucky leaned closer to wipe away the tears, she sighed at the feeling. “I passed out sometime later. From the pain the… well, everything. And when I woke up, I heard people outside the door, trying to rip it open, I could see red lights flashing, but where I expected that beam to be was nothing. When I looked down at myself there was a hole in my shirt, but instead of a hole in my shoulder, a round scar was the only thing left from that moment.”

           “They took me to the hospital, and when they tried to put an IV in, my body just swallowed up the needle.” She took a shaky breath, and Bucky squeezed her side. ‘Go on’ he tried to convey with the touch. ‘I’m here.’

           “That’s when the tests started. They were fine at first. Blood samples when they managed to get any, saliva and all that good jazz… but then they started poking. And poking turned into slicing which turned into stabbing until I was their personal pincushion, as they tried to see what my body would and wouldn’t take.”

           Y/N was shaking by that point, but not because of the wind that had picked up, but because of anger, of the horror, she’d had to go through. It took everything in Bucky to remain calm and let her continue.

           “Two years they did that. And then one time they went a bit too far. Someone had stolen a vibranium spear from the Dora Milaje.”

           Bucky’s breath got caught in his throat. He wasn’t moving a muscle.

           “They wanted to know if I could absorb the strongest metal on Earth, so slowly…” Her hands went to her front, to the white blouse she was wearing and started popping open the buttons. Bucky was just about to protest when he understood.

           “They pushed the spear too far.” Her finger ran over a rhomb shaped scar right in the centre of her chest. Right over her heart. “Pushed it right through.”

           “How did you survive?” Bucky was appalled, but in awe at the same time. 

            Y/N shook her head. “I didn’t. I died then and there on the table. They took my body and dumped it in some ditch. From my own calculations, it took me about a day to heal. They’d sown in a scalpel in my stomach a few hours before, so I’m assuming it used that as the binding material for the cells.”

“I was so angry.” She looked at him. “At everyone, at myself, that I couldn’t help my family, that I allowed them to just use me like that, I just went off the deep end. I did so many bad things…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I read about the Winter Soldier, y’know. His whole thing was efficiency, quickness. I – “ She choked on her words. “I wasn’t. I wanted to drag it out. Wanted to find each and every one of the bastards who laid their hands on me and make them suffer as I did.”

           Bucky’s hand settled on her waist as he pulled her closer, feeling her body keen at the motion as she looked for reassurance. “I’m not a good person, Bucky. This.” She motioned with her head to her body. “This is my repentance for what I did.”

           “What he’s doing is not right. What they’re making you do is not right.” Bucky shook his head. “Just because it might not kill you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. No one had any right to touch you.”

           “It’s the price I pay for what I did.”

           “Pain?”

           Y/N nodded. “Eye for an eye. Pain for the pain I caused.”

           Bucky shook his head. “That’s not right.”

           “How else am I supposed to do this?”

           “By getting help yourself first.”

           Y/N’s eyes widened, and Bucky sighed. He understood how impossible that thought seemed, that someone who’s done so much bad could deserve help from others, but he understood her situation better than anyone. “Being here,” he said, “being able to say these things… I can only do that because I got help. It was mandated by the state, but nevertheless…” Both chuckled at that, and Bucky’s heart lightened at the sound, at the genuine sound of joy from her. “But the therapy… I hate to say this, but it helped. It’s not easy. I sometimes detest going to the sessions, and I might be failing them quite miserably right now, especially with rule number two –“

           “What’s rule number two?”

           “Don’t hurt anyone,” Bucky mumbled. “And I’ve broken it quite a lot recently, I know that which will either make me end up behind bars or will add more therapy sessions to the list, but I’m not afraid anymore.”

           Y/N gulped, gazing just as intensely at Bucky as he was at her. “Of what?”

           “Of reaching out.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Of asking for help. Of understanding that I deserve help, and I deserve to receive it.”

           “Yeah, but the thing is I’m not like you.” Y/N looked away from him. “No one forced me to do this, no one brainwashed me. I did everything out of my own volition. Me. No one else. You deserve that help because HYDRA did all those things to you. You are a victim of war. I’m not. All those horrible things I did… I did them. Not some alias of mine.”

           Bucky’s heart hurt at the fact that Y/N couldn’t see she was a victim of her own circumstance, and how now the government was punishing her for it. And that’s when another brick hit him – it was exactly like Isaiah’s situation. Both came from marginalised groups, parts of society where the ones in power have been trying to oppress and control them for as long as he could remember, he just couldn’t see it. He could see Sam’s point of view now. Maybe not as clearly as he should, but he was starting to wipe away the fog.

           “They used you just as much as HYDRA used me.” He asserted, and Y/N’s eyes widened at his sure statement. “Just because a pile of shit has a bowtie on now, doesn’t mean it’s no longer a pile of shit… Come with us.” Bucky’s forehead pressed to hers. “Let’s do this the right way.”

           “It’s mandated by the US government that I stay by John’s side and help him.”

           Bucky smirked at that, nudging his nose against Y/N’s. “Well, it’s a good thing we’re in Latvia then. Besides Captain America has no pull here.”

           She laughed, warm breath slipping over Bucky’s skin, and he had to close his eyes as the thought of her breathless and underneath him invaded his mind. “Unfortunately, this deal stands whether I’m inside the borders of USA or outside.”

           Y/N looked over the skyline to where the country’s national monument stood. A woman, hands up in the air outstretched with three stars in her palms, with words she couldn’t understand when she'd arrived etched on the granite at the bottom. Some local had translated them for her. For the Fatherland and Freedom.

           After the blip and the experiments, she didn’t feel like she had a home. She’d been imprisoned and prodded like some lab bunny to see what her body could do. What her body could be used for.

           Bucky followed her gaze as she kept looking at the statue. Different stars, different saying, but still with the same meaning of what he saw when he looked at the Captain America shield. Freedom. Justice. For the love of their home.

Something deep started to burn in her chest, and even Bucky could feel the shift. 

           A ferocious look appeared in her eyes as she looked at him. “Let’s get that shield.” She wasn’t going to let Walker taint that star, she knew would happen if he had it for much longer.

           They’d had a single meeting beforehand, and during that half-hour, he’d been terrified for more than two-thirds of the time about how Y/N might die in his arms, die because she’d taken bullets meant for him. 

           He was so glad she hadn’t, not because it would be another life lost because of him, but because he felt like he’d found a twin flame – someone who’d understand him and his troubles. Someone he could help.

           Maybe that could be the true way he could make amends – help someone in the same situation.

           Bucky smiled.

           Y/N did so too, and his heart skipped a beat looking at the woman.

           Her body might be able to absorb the metals piercing it, Walker might call her a human shield, but he knew she was so much more than that. And he’d spend however long it took him to prove so to her. Maybe even in more ways than one.

_________________________________________________________________

Please reblog if you like this. For whatever reason my Bucky fics aren’t appearing in the tags :(

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[frattsparty]

My Heart Needed You Part 16

An: I’m dumb and posted 17 before this so two in one night ✌️

Warning: language, we’re all sad and struggling.

Tag list: @bellisperennis0 @withmyteeth @lexondeck @redpoodlern @nessamc @chibsytelford @thegirlwhowritesfics

The drive was long and by the time you got in it was late afternoon, Venus had you go straight to her house. When you puked into the driveway you let out a small sigh of relief as noticing that Tigs bike isn’t here. Quickly you unbuckle and all but jog to the door, and before you could knock Venus swings it open and pulls you into her arms. Your whole body begins to shake. “Shh baby, it’s okay, you’re safe here.” She’s rubbing your back trying to calm you.

You stay in her embrace a little longer before pulling away, she immediately goes to wipe your tears away, “What happened Hailey Girl?” Using the sweet nickname that only Tig called you. “Oh my gosh, baby, your arms are bruised. Who did this?”

“He found out what happened, it was a huge blow up,” your tears start again.

“He was mad at the truth?” Venus looked shocked.

You shook your head, “No, we all got detained by this fed who I knew because of SAMCRO. I ruined a case he had that would have brought down the club, the IRA and the cartel, he’s held a grudge ever since apparently.” Taking a deep breath, “He had documents made up saying I got an abortion and then had pictures of me and Jose…” you couldn’t hold the sob in any longer.

She held you tightly moving so the two of you were sitting on the couch. Your body was exhausted, the lack of sleep, the drive, the crying, you couldn’t keep it together any longer.

“I’m just so tired of carrying this, of feeling shame and guilt.” You sobbed.

“I know baby, and you don’t have to feel like that,” she’s gently running her hand through your hair. “You did nothing wrong, you were hurt, don’t ever feel like you are the problem.”

Once you’ve calmed down you gave her a full rundown of what happened, keeping your eyes focused on your hands to get through it.

“Hailey, my sweet girl, look at me,” she places her hands on the side of your face pulling you up to look at her. “Baby, you haven’t done anything wrong, he’s beating himself up for not being there, for thinking the worst of you, and for how he treated you today. But you have not done anything wrong.”

You nod your head wanting to believe her. “The things he said,” sniffling you clear your throat. “That hurt more than any beating I could get, for him to say that about me.”

“I know, and I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I do think the two of you need to have a serious talk.” She grabs your hands, “You have gotten to let one burden off of your heart, don’t carry another.”

“That’s not all,” you whisper, scared to even say this next part out loud. Giving you a reassuring nod Venus takes your hand seeing that you are struggling. “I..I’m pregnant.”

“What? Hailey,” she moves, wrapping you in a big hug, “How do you feel about it?”

“Well I was honestly happy about it when I found out two days ago, I didn’t tell him yet because I wanted to tell him in person.” Letting out a shaky breath, “now I don’t know.” Sniffling, you wipe the stray tear with your sleeve, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

The two of you talk for hours, for most of it she sits back and listens, but she provides sound advice. Encouraging you to take a few days to get yourself in order and talk to Nestor, but she also said he needs to come to me. Begging for your forgiveness, because a lady shouldn’t beg a man to be in her life.

That night Venus decided to have the guys over for dinner, she could tell you needed to be surrounded by your people. The two of you were working in the kitchen and you couldn’t help to think about all the dinners you had helped Gemma with.

“I think we are done, Hailey, so we’re all ready for the boys.” She’s wiping her hands clean and takes the final plate to the table. Just as she sets it down the door opens and the loud voices of your favorite men enter the houses

You can’t help the huge smile on your face as they walk in and the pure shock on their faces when they see you.

“Hailey Girl!” Tig is the first to squeeze you tightly. Then Happy, always quiet but holding you too tight, not that you’ll complain to him.

Chibs comes up, and you can see the worry in his eyes. He’s always good at reading people, especially you, “Hey darlin’, you okay?” He’s giving you a tight squeeze, all you can do is nod knowing if you speak you might crumble in his arms.

“It’s not like you to show up unannounced and not come to Scoops, you sure you’re alright?”

Giving him a weak smile, “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Alright everyone let's eat!” Venus announces saving you from this conversation.

Once dinner is done Tig and Happy go in the kitchen to clean up, Venus runs a tight ship here forcing the boys to help.

“Come for a walk with me, Hailey.” You look up and Chibs has his hand out to pull you off the couch.

The two of you walk along the neighborhood, it’s quiet and peaceful - and thankfully cooler than Santo Padre!

“So what happened? I can see the marks on your arms, your eyes are swollen and red, you've clearly been crying.” He scoots closer to you giving you a light nudge.

“I was engaged before I came here, he was deployed and when he was away I was assaulted by a family friend…” sniffling you wrap your arms around yourself. “I got pregnant, he beat me until I lost the baby, then threatened me that if I said anything he would kill my family. So I ran.”

Protectively Chibs wraps his arm around you and you continue. “I never told Nestor what happened, but when I came home we tried reconnecting. He found out what happened, but the story he was given was a lie. He was angry and he didn’t hold back obviously.”

“I told him the truth and he tried to apologize and I was so angry, hurt, sad that I left and ended up here.”

“Oh my girl, I’m so sorry,” he pulls you tightly to his side.

“I should have just told him the truth from the start but I was so scared, Chibs.”

“Don’t blame yourself, you were trying to protect everyone and yourself. I’m sure deep down he knows that, he’s just hurting and he probably hates himself right now.”

You nod, silence falls as the two of you continue your walk back to the house. Before going in he grabs your hand and pulls you to sit on the step. Pulling out a cigarette from his kutte.

“Hailey, you aren’t my child, but I love you like my own, and I hate seeing you hurting like this. Jackie wanted you to find happiness, that's why I supported you leaving.”

“I know, and honestly, I have been so happy.” Your voice broke as tears made their way down your cheeks. You pulled your legs up and wrapped your arms around your knees, chin resting on them.

“You still love him after last night?” He asks as you stare into the night sky.

“With everything I have, Chibs.” You turn so you can see him, “I’ve loved him my whole life, I’ve been planning my life with him since I was 15. I can’t imagine it with anyone else.”

“Has he ever been violent with you before like that?” His voice is full of concern.

“He never even raised his voice at me until after I left, he wanted to know why I left and I refused to tell him. He’s never laid a hand on me ever, nor would he under normal circumstances I know that for a fact.” And you did, you knew that Nestor would never hurt you.

“Can you forgive him for last night? Because Hailey, you may love him but if you hold on to this anger that you feel you’ll never give him a fair chance to be better.”

“I don’t know, Chibs, what he said was hurtful..” you trail off lost in your head, truly you can’t imagine a life without him but you aren’t sure if you can let those words go either.

“Have you thought about how hurtful it was in that moment for him to see that and think one thing, and then have an even bigger bomb dropped. One that I assume hurt deeply for him because he loves you and didn’t protect you?”

Letting out a large sigh you turn to look at him, “no.”

“Hailey, if I would be given those photos that would be my first reaction. And then to find out my love was assaulted and attacked, I would crumble. I would never feel worthy of you again.”

A single tear trails down your face, “I love him so much, and I’m hurting right now, but some of the hurt is thinking that I won’t have him in my life.”

“You need to give yourself some grace, get a good night's sleep tonight, let your body rest. But you do need to talk to him, but you make him earn you.” He squeezes your hand and let’s silence fall.

After a few minutes you speak up, “Do you think anyone will think less of me if they know the truth about Jose? Or if they know I will go back to Nes after what he did?”

“Who gives a fuck what anyone thinks.” Moving he gets in front of you and kneels so you’re eye level “No matter what your past is, you are smart, the smartest person I know, you’re loyal, determined, drop dead gorgeous.” Giggling, you give him a nudge. “That’s who you are, that’s Hailey Teller. The girl who will fight tooth and nail for her family, for those she loves. You aren’t what Jose did to you. As far as Nestor is concerned, from what you’ve told me I know you still love him, and if I had to guess he loves you. What you decide to do is for you and your future, I’ll support you either way. Fuck anyone who makes you feel bad.”

“I don’t want to see you in a relationship where you aren’t loved and cherished, Hailey. But you look like someone who just lost everything.” He pauses taking your hands.

“If you love him and you can forgive him for this, then you be with him. You be with someone who makes you happy, makes you feel safe, someone who makes you feel complete. Someone you can depend on to love and support you through all of life.”

“You’re pretty smart for a motorcycle enthusiast, Chibs.” His laugh fills the porch and causes you to giggle.

“I am more than that, love.” He pats your knee and moves to sit next to you again.

“You are so much more than that, I love you, Filip. Thank you for being the dad I’ve needed these past 6 years.”

“I love you too kid, more than you’ll ever know.” Wrapping his arm around you he pulls you to lean on his shoulder. “You can always depend on me, I’ll be in your corner. Always.”

***

That night as you lay awake in bed your phone went off, illuminating the dark room. It was a text from Miguel.

Miguel: I’m so sorry, Hailey. If I would have known I would have helped you...I’m sorry I let you down…Nestor was ready to come storming to Charming tonight but I made him stay. I’m only going to be able to keep him from you for so long though.

You: Thank you. I want to see and talk to him, but I just don’t know if I’m ready.

Miguel: I know I’m asking a lot of you but I need to have a meeting with the MC and Adalita, and I can’t do it without you.

Leaving him on read, you put your phone down, trying to decide if you want to go back. But being around Nestor will be so hard and seeing Devante again knowing everyone knows makes you nervous.

Me: Miguel, I don’t know if I can come back…but I’m willing to meet with Nestor. But he has to come here where I feel safe and then I’ll decide.

Miguel: Thank you!

Letting out a deep breath you roll over and try to sleep again, however, sleep avoided you, instead you laid there staring at the ceiling willing your body to rest. Tossing and turning most of the night only getting short stints of sleep, none of the peaceful.

As the sun comes up you are startled awake by loud voices. You silently shuffled to the door and opened it slightly and we’re shocked to hear Nestor and Venus going head-to-head.

***

Nestor’s POV

“She said she’s willing to talk to you so she can decide if she wants to come back.” Miguel looks up at you from his phone. “Don’t fuck this up, Nestor, she’s not taking you back right away but at least get her back home to us.”

“Did she say anything else?” The fear you’re feeling, the worry of never getting her back, it’s all consuming, but the regret you have for what you said, for not protecting her, that will be with you for the rest of your life. “I can’t lose her again, Mikey,” your voice broke. “I can’t live without her.”

“I know brother, I know, we’ll get her back here and then you’ve gotta be the you she knows you are the one who loves her more than life itself.” Giving your shoulder a supportive squeeze, he moves to leave the office. “Bring our girl home.”

***

The drive to Charming was long with just your thoughts running wild, what if she refuses to come back with you? You couldn’t survive the loss of her again, it would kill you.

Turning on to the street you tracked her to you spot her car in one of the driveways. Deciding to take a second to catch your breath and get your thoughts in order you park two houses down.

“Don't screw this up Nestor, you need her, don’t be stupid.” You mumbled to yourself.

As ready for this as you’ll ever be you get out of your car, adjusting your shirt and taking one more breath before walking towards the door. Unsure of what was going to greet you on the other side.

You quickly knock, and shove your hands in your pockets, the nerves were mourning.

“You must be the man that hurt my Hailey Girl.” The woman standing in front of you is clearly a force to be reckoned with, and your nerves are multiplying. Before you could react she pulled her hand back and stepped you clear across the face. “I’m sure you’re here to talk to her, beg at her feet for forgiveness, but before I let you see her we’re gonna have a chat ourselves.”

“Who the fuck are you?” You're trying to keep your cool, but who does she think she is.

“I’m asking questions here, but I’m Venus, Hailey and my husband are extremely close as she is with all of the SAMCRO men. She’s like my daughter here, I love her like one and I’ll defend her like one.” She crosses her arms over her chest.

“For a man who swears he loves her, you have a shitty way of showing it. That girl has been through more than you even know, she stayed away from her parents so she didn’t have to cross your path, kept silent about what happened so you wouldn’t get yourself killed. And how do you treat here? You scream at her, push her around, disrespect her, you did that!”

“I know, and I regret it all.” You intersect, but Venus isn’t done with you yet.

“And you should! She suffered at the hands of two men, and then was abandoned and hated by the man she loved. You should feel bad and I hope you're hurting right now because she is. And you deserve to hurt. You sure as hell don’t deserve that girl in there.”

“Look, I know what I’ve done, I'm not trying to deny anything. Let me talk to her.” Pushing back on the attack she’s aimed at you.

“Do you know what you’ve done? Do you understand the magnitude of all of this?” It’s like she is staring right through you and trying to break down your walls.

“Just let me talk to her!” Your anger is boiling.

“Didn’t want to talk to her when she was trying to tell you the truth did you? She was begging you to listen and all you did was berate her.” She scoffs, “And yet, she still loves you. Her heart is breaking at the thought of not having you in her life.” Pushing past you she closes the door and sits at the little table on her porch. “Sit down.”

“I know you love her, I can see it and I could feel it when she told us about you when we all got together for the birthday party.” Her face has softened towards you, but you knew she wasn’t done with you. “She deserves the world, and I think you know that and from what she told me the younger you was ready to give it.”

Smirking you nod your head, “She deserves the world and more, without her…I don’t know if I would have even made it through high school. She was one of the only people in my corner and I didn’t realize until she left how much she did for me.”

“If you could go back and talk to that version of you what would you tell him?” Her question is genuine.

“I would tell him to appreciate everything she did, appreciate who she was and to talk to her about my plans, don’t block her out. Value her like she deserved.”

She lets out a sigh, “Do you still love her? Like truly love her? Want to be with her, have a family with her, wake up next to her each morning?”

“I love her more than anything, I can’t imagine my life without her in it.” A tear slips out, but you don’t even try to stop it, not now. “I felt so incomplete without her, then getting her back, it was like I could breathe again. I’ve only ever envisioned my future with her, with our babies, I won’t be able to live without her.” Your tears keep coming, the brokenness is all consuming. “I’m just so sorry that I made her feel so unloved, I know I don’t deserve her but I love her with everything I have.”

Grabbing your hand, Venus speaks again, softer and more loving than before. “Then you need to say all of this to her baby, because she’s hurting, feels so unlovable, but she still loves you with her whole heart.”

“I’ll go see if she wants to come down,” making her way to the door she turns to you, “If you hurt her again, these SAMCRO men will kill you, especially Chibs. He loves her with every fiber of himself. So I suggest you only go through with this if you’re all in and willing to work to get her back.”

A few minutes passed and you were feeling like she may not come down to see you, but before you got lost in those thoughts the door opened. She looks so small, sad, broken, and the guilt bubbles up even more.

“Hey,” her voice was so quiet you could barely hear her, she’s avoiding eye contact. Her usual confidence is gone, in its place was a girl so unsure of herself. A sight you’ve never seen with her.

“Hey, Hails.” Standing, you signal for her to sit down with you, “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Honestly, Nestor I don’t really want to talk right now, I have…a lot of feelings and thoughts that I can’t…” you can see her thinking of the right words, “that I can’t express right now. I know Miguel needs me and I want to go home, but I’m afraid to go back.” She whispers that last part, causing you to furrow your eyebrows.

“Why are you afraid to be there? Nobody will hurt you there.” You reach for her fiddling hands trying to calm her nervous tick, but she quickly pulls her hands away from you. “Are you afraid of me?”

She shakes her head, “Not you, or Miguel.”

“Then who, Hails?” You are racking your brain trying to think of who she could be scared of, and then it hits you. “Devante?”

Her eyes met yours for the first time since she came out, and she simply nodded her head. Not saying a word.

“Did he hurt you too?”

“He got me to Mexico, told me that Jose needed me, had one of the guys get me, watched Jose do what he did…” a stray tear rolls down her face and she sucks in a ragged breath clearly trying to hold the emotion in. “He put me in a room that night and the next morning brought me to him again, let him…you know again and took the pictures. He threatened me that if I told anyone he would kill them, you, my parents, anyone.”

“What?” Your anger is boiling and you are doing everything you can to keep it in check.

“I was so afraid, Nestor, I told Niko and begged him not to say anything. I wanted to tell you but I knew if you knew or my dad, that you would end up dead and I couldn’t live with that.” Her hands were shaking and sobs wracked her body. Moving quickly you wrap her in a hug, she’s so tense and you don’t feel her relax like she usually would in your arms.

“I won’t let him near you, Hailey. I swear to you, I’ll protect you.” Pulling away so you can look at her, “I’m going to call Miguel, if you really don’t want to come back I understand and I’ll make him understand.”

She looks up at you, “Do you promise that I won’t be left alone with him? Or have to see him?”

“I will be with you, or Miguel, I won’t let him near you alone, I promise you.”

Nodding, “I’ll go back.” She whispers and you aren't sure if she is just saying that to please you and Miguel, or if she really feels safe going back.

Taking a hold of her chin you pull her face up to look at you. “Hails, only come back if you feel safe, don't do this to make us happy.”

“I am trusting you to not let him near me.” She sounds more confident, “If I feel uncomfortable I’ll go to my parents.”

“Do you promise to tell me if you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel safe so I can help you?” You look at her seriously, ensuring she knows you aren’t joking.

She simply nods.

“I’m going to call Miguel then, let him know what’s going on, and you can get your things together.” You told her as you began dialing Miguel’s number.

“Well I didn’t really get the chance to bring anything with me so I just have my purse and car, so when you’re ready I guess I am too.” Shrugging, she goes inside.

You can’t help feeling guilty for that too, knowing she had a bag packed and you ripped it from her. All you can think is how you have to do better for her.

You're lost in thought and don’t even realize Miguel has answered your call, “Nestor!”

“Mikey, we’ve got a problem.” You let out a large sigh, “Devante knew everything that happened, he is the one who made her come to Mexico, who took the photos, he threatened her.”

The line was silent, you know that means Miguel is planning, “Does she want to come back?”

“I don’t think I would say she wants to, but she’s going to. I promised she wouldn’t be around him alone, and we would be there.” Trying to reign in your emotions, “She’s so broken, Miguel.”

“Bring her home, we’ll take care of her, and him. If she’s not comfortable here, take her to your house. You’re in charge of her protection.”

“Got it, we’ll get on the road once she’s ready.”

Waiting on the porch you turn quickly when the door opens, but instead of Hailey it’s Venus, “she’ll be out in a second, don’t worry. I just wanted a few minutes with you.”

“When you take her back there you better take care of her, don’t you let anything happen to our girl. Because these men love her like their own. If she’s hurt again, it will kill all of us. You have to protect her, and if you’re going to love her give her the love she actually deserves.” She ends her speech wiping a tear from her cheek.

“I will, I promise.”

[all-about-seggs]

A pact in blood-

Rating: 18+, Explicit

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x Fem! Reader

Word count: ~3K

Warnings: Semi-incest (Satoru is your cousin/ distant relative), masturbation, Cunnilingus, fingering, hand job, the relationship is a bit messed up, yandereish undertones.

A/n: This takes place when he's still in the academy.* Image source*

“AA-ahhh! Please don’t- don’t stop…”,

Your broken pleas reverberated through the room as Satoru’s deft fingers worked their way in and out of your sopping wet hole. You gripped the sturdy jacket that covered his shoulders, folding the fabric between your fists was the only thing you could do to maintain the last shred of composure you had.

He was like a passing cloud who offered you momentary relief and was on his way as soon as your were done, the fragments of longings that remained on your body etched deeper after every night.

Position after position, he went from your pussy over his lips to eating you out ass up and face down, all for the pleasure you couldn’t seem to get by yourself. You were now splayed out on his lap, face buried in his neck and one arm draped over him for support. Waves of his sweet scent and the euphoria assaulting your senses at the same time, taking you closer and closer to the edge.

It’s been quite some time now but the memory of your first encounter with your unfairly gorgeous cousin Satoru has been etched into your mind as if it happened just yesterday.

You were in the manor of the esteemed Gojo clan for a family event and even though you didn’t shared the same surname you were related nonetheless and were hence invited. It was a four day and three night celebration where the entire place was abuzz with excitement.

It didn’t really mattered to you, being here with a go with a flow kind of attitude, you just minded your own business until spoken to and not mingling with the faceless crowd of people you didn’t even knew the names of.

Thankfully your room was in the separate building which was a little bit further from where all the riotous events centered around. After just half a day of being in the middle of the chaos you wanted to find a way to unwind and that’s when it happened.

Stark naked and two fingers up your little cunt, there was no explaining or bullshitting your way out of this situation when the heir of the household, Satoru Gojo himself walked in in you. Feeble attempts to cover yourself and half hearted stutterings died in your mouth as soon as the young man opened his.

“ Wrong”, the deadpan reply of his made your already shaken up state worsen. Panic flooding in your system begged you to make excuses or atleast request him to not speak of this to anyone, after all families of high status are nothing if not conservative and you didn’t wanted to cause anyone any trouble.

“ I meant, y/n chan, that you’re doing it wrong”, not paying any mind to your internal conflict he continued speaking form where he stood near the door, “ don’t you know how to masturbate? I thought you were in highschool?”

His genuinely perplexed tone made you reconsider your previous opinions about the heir to the clan. Satoru, a guy who walked in on a relative masturbating, was supposed to show courtesy and leave the second he entered but instead he was rating your technique, which in all honesty may have been lacking indeed but you were desperate to cum and he seemed to pick up on that.

“ Since you’re clearly having trouble getting off”, he loosened the obi of his particularly formal kimono and shifted his uncovered ocean blue eyes towards your form, “Want me to teach you?”, his question made you gulp, then gauge your eyeballs out in disbelief. Sure you weren’t closely related and have only spoken once or twice but you attended all the occasions and holiday celebrations at their place and knew that your relationship was only platonic. His offer to cross that line made you flinch back at first.

Heaving a sigh he closed the door and sat cross legged on the tatami mat next to your futon.

“ Relax, t’s not a big deal”, flashing a toothy grin he leaned forward until your noses touched.

“ Afterall, I AM your big brother”

“ wait- you’re also in highschool!”, You retorted, “ I bet you’re a virgin too. So what CAN you teach me anyway?”, overcoming the initial embarrassment, your mouth started moving in its own accord only getting encouraged by his laid back demeanor.

“ Pfttt- so you get defensive when cornered? How cute!”, he giggled, a smile teasing at his lips at your obvious attempt to hide the shame burning in your core.

“Don’t worry, I know my way around a pussy just fine”, light hearted words fell effortlessly from his mouth and you could swear half of your brain was short circuiting because of his crude way of speaking. For all his regal appearance, he was just like any other highschooler, a year older than you but his stature and delicate features gave him a magestic aura that exceeds that of people decades older than him.

Just by the few encounters from the past, you figured he wasn’t one for following traditions or rules if it didn’t suit him. He was way above the rest, in his own distant world everytime you saw him, the school he went to, the things he had experienced were all different.

Forgetting the other's existence after passing each other by with a few formalities exchanged was all you had done with each. You two were never close or even friends but now the chance presented itself to take your non existent relationship to the extreme end through your bodies.

You wanted this.

To feel good. The hormones of youth pumping your impulsiveness you relax your muscles and lie on your back. You could clearly hear Satoru’s playfully indifferent chuckle from above when you slowly part your legs to show him the sides of yourself that even you have never completely seen.

“Just this once, okay?”

He said he was just teaching you how to masturbate but it wasn’t that simple. The only person to get naked was you and the only person who experienced the mind numbing pleasure, was also you. He only needed his deft fingers and mouth to make you feel better and for a while you didn’t even question.

That one lesson of self pleasure which you both were supposed to forget turned into an entire session as day after day Satoru would show up at your parents house unbeknownst to a soul and you both crossed the same lines of platonic relationship everyday.

The euphoria was endless but with a single rule that you weren’t allowed to touch him in turn and it goes without saying that the two of you never went all the way. It would always start with small talks about the day, even when you’d be talking, all your focus was on what was to come next.

That’s why after a few weeks of the detached pleasure he provided you, it got you thinking what he actually wanted from you. Satoru had already seen, touched and tasted all your body had to offer, never revealing any of his own.

You wondered if he ever felt sexually frustrated by always giving and never asking for anything in return. You knew he was not THAT nice. At least that’s what you believed considering his sadistic streak in bed. He did seem to be enjoying himself when he's messing you up so maybe he didn’t have many sexual urges that he needed to satisfy and was just acting on curiosity or maybe he had someone else, someone older with more experience who he didn’t constantly had a upper hand with and was able to see them as an equal. This thought alone made your chest tight, with an unnatural pain that threatened to break your heart.

You had to catch your darkening train of thought before it reached to the conclusion you were most afraid of. Knowing full well that this was just a fleeting moment that is only supposed to be enjoyed through a lens of carefree thinking, you push the budding feelings of the some very complicated emotions out of your system. The surge of jealousy you felt may have born out of falling in love with a family member but it was wrong on so many levels.

A love that starts with lust never ends well for anyone but as you were laying in his arms, the control over your body handed completely to him, your mind wondered how things would feel vice versa.

“ You seem distracted y/n”, Satoru looked at you, with his glasses off the beautiful azure eyes hidden beneath a delicate layer of white eyelashes filled your vison.

“ I’m obviously not doing it right if you have time to get lost in your thoughts”, putting you down on your bed, he started to move away and for a minute you got your hopes up, thinking your chance to finally have him completely and you cursed yourself for wanting at the same time. But no amount of berating would scrub off the insatiable thirst you had, for its roots had already made their way to your heart.

“Please let me help you too”, these few words took a lot of guts, letting go of all the inhibitions and threads of morality you fix Satoru with an unwavering gaze.

“ That’s okay babygirl, I’M the one who does the teaching here afterall”, you saw what he was trying to do, his airy yet gentle tone didn’t left much room for argument but the gray zone of your relationship was blurring to the point of confusion urged you to give into your clamoring emotions.

Without a second thought you jumped on him with all your might, closing the distance he put within seconds to cover his mouth with yours. You knew how much you weighed but despite your aggressive actions his sturdy form didn’t even deter form his position while catching you. You twirled your tongue over the roof of his mouth, the taste of your juices still lingering in there.

Hoping to have proven your resolve that wasn’t going to settle for getting brushed aside you break the kiss and look expectantly at him. An invisible bond between the two of you taking shape, strengthening the magnetism that attracted you to him.

“ That eager for my cock are you?”, Taking your face in one of his huge hand he makes you look straight at him, “You really want more? More than I'm already giving you?”, just one more push. You thought, with just a bit of coaxing, you were sure Satoru's wishy washy rules would crumble to make way for your upcoming actions.

“ I do. I know exactly what I want but”, steeling your nerves you face him, eye to eye, “ What do YOU want?”. The question was simple but the conflict swirling within Satoru’s eyes was evident and for the first time you realised that maybe this wasn’t just a case of casual hookup for him as well.

“ I want all your firsts. That’s all.” After a short stretch of silence he spoke, ironically the borderline obsessiveness of his glib response, like magic, cleared away the fog was previously clouding your mind. The nonchalance of his smirk should've been the red flag that made you rethink your life choices but the heat of the moment only seemed to ignite your lust.

Not uttering a single word, you quickly work on shedding him off his cloths, he doesn’t make any attempts at stopping you this time around, this knowledge pulling a smile out of you. By the time you reached for his boxers your hands were shaking.

Whether from excitement or nervousness you couldn’t tell but looking down through the veil of his heavy eyelashes, Satoru’s passion was evident.

Eyeing up his exposed body you still for a moment to take it all in. You ran you hands through his sculpted chest and down to his abdomen, your nails scratching the surface of his defined muscles. All of his masculinity contrasted with his oddly sweet scent and velvety pink lips that never failed to lure you in for deep soft kisses.

There’s no doubt girls must be always fawning over him and his perfectly smooth skin was something that even made you jealous. You were so captivated by his looks that you had to shake yourself free from your lovesick stupor .

You feel him up a little, hands running across his toned chest, you drag your nails through the rise and dips of his abdomen down to the contours of his defined V- line before turning your attention to his hardening member. Your breath quickens as your trembling fingers hook beneath his waistband.

Taking out his pulsating member you run your eyes up and down his entire length. He was big, to say at the very least. Bigger than you'd expected and more than you thought you could handle but backing out now would be straight up hypocrisy when your drooling mouth said otherwise.

With your ass right next to his chest, you start licking and sucking his tip with fervour, not wanting to waste even a single drop of his cum that you wanted so bad. You heard him moan lightly behind you, his voice only fuelled the fire that was burning your core. Having never given a blow job to anyone before you struggled in keeping a steady pace and his girthy cock didn’t make it any easier on you.

In just a few minutes you jaw ached and your entire face hurted but Satoru showed no signs of cumming.

In your own world again, you racked up your brain to figure out how to please him when suddenly you felt a hand climbing up your thigh. With the other hand he gripped your hips and pulled your lower half until you were straddling his mouth.

“ It’s a lot better like this don’t you think?”, as he spoke you felt his breath caressing your nether lips and you shivered in delight at the new position.

He snaked his hands in between your thighs and spread open your slit, glistening with your dripping arousal using his thumbs. Every single fold of yours now in display Satoru licked his plush lips before leaving open mouthed kisses on the exposed skin. His lips pulling out a series of appreciative hums as you desperately try to focus on your own actions.

Taking his hard length half in your mouth and half in one of your hand you tried to match the skilful movements of Satoru’s tongue that relentlessly lapped at your clit. After a few minutes of trying and failing to suck him up properly your senses got completely clouded by the heavy onslaught of that familiar release you had gotten used to.

You wanted to ask him to stop so you catch up to him but he the vigor in his actions and your own overwhelming surge of desires made you decide against it, the broken stings of his name died down with you still half choking on his length.

The only thing your lust laden mind could decipher except for pleasure was shame. To you, it was shameful how, being the one who asked to touch him, you were the one tethering near the edge. Before long your convulsing pussy was dripping with your juices, trickling down from his face that was still buried nose deep in your crotch.

Messing you up always filled Satoru with a kind of affection that he didn’t thought he was capable of.

Your cute whines getting muffled by his cock that you could only take half way past your llip sent waves of ecstasy down his spine. The cum that kept on flowing from your aching hole that he was the first to taste and the last as well took him to a high that no amount of pleasure could.

He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be the provider of your everything who had complete control over you or if he just wanted to spend hours into the night, praising every fibre of your being that was so eager to make him feel good. This duality of his thoughts confused him further and in that moment he knew he had to see this to the end.

Your heavy pants was the only thing that could be heard in the otherwise silent room, guilt and pleasure leaving you tongue tied. You move yourself from above him, your quivering body falling like a sac just beside his own.

“ I’m sorry! I couldn’t make you-“, before you could finish your breathy apology he brought up a finger near your frowning lips to quite you down.

“Its okay sugar, it was your first time. Not a big deal.”, the soft notes of his voice took the edge off of the disappointment you felt, “I told you. I’ll teach you everything.”

Those eyes. Two shining orbs of brilliant blue gazed at you in the same way you found yourself staring at him. Watching over you like it was their birthright and oddly enough, the scrutiny made you feel completly at home just like the warmth of his long arms that wrapped themselves around you.

" Realx Y/n, I'll be very thourough with my teaching, afterall,", your heart thumped loudly in your chest in response to his smooth voice, "I don't do things halfway.

The pleasent fatigue that had taken a hold of your body slowly dissipated but the growing haziness of your mind got you wondering if you were falling in deepness of his ocean blue eyes but as soon realization hit you, you were already halfway through blacking out.

That you’d never be forgiven for wanting.

From that moment on, you knew.

Part 2? Idk you tell me(╯︵╰,)

[simpcxty]

Y/n Kaminari

TW: smut, marijuana use. Characters aged up to 21! Shiggy discovers his quirk doesn’t work when he’s having sex, unprotected sex, creampie, breeding kink shiggy, consensual sex,

I realized I had been neglecting my dear villains, so. Shiggy Fuckers, because I know you’re out there. I’m one of them. Don’t say I don’t love you. Here you go.

READ RESPONSIBLY PLEASE

Part 1 -

PART 2

It actually ends up being a month later till you see him again.

But not in the normal alley. No.

Right outside his hideout. So he thinks he must be seeing things. His brain must be showing him what he wants to see.

But then he sees two friends next to you and he realizes that’s not the case. It’s Saturday, he shouldn’t be surprised.

He wants to touch you, or at least have you look his way.

How desperate does that sound? So he keeps walking, walking towards his destination, which just so happens to be two stores past you.

Well damn.

Were his eyes deceiving him? Are you wearing his hoodie again? Fuck. You’re gonna kill him, and that baby blue skirt with fishnets? You’re gonna give him a heart attack. You’re going to give him a stroke. Because the way his hoodie scrunched around the skirt pulled the fabric up and you seemed to be getting irritated with the blue skirt.

He’s almost relieved when you don’t look up from whatever it is your friends are showing you as he gets into the dispensary, finally able to take a breath.

“Damn Boss, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He rolls his eyes at Dabi and walks behind the counter to get what he needs. Dabi mumbled something about a smoke break as he walked downstairs and Shigaraki nodded.

He mostly just needed a joint refill and a new cartridge but he grabbed an eighth anyway and sighs as the bell to the door signals someone had walked in.

“We’re closed for-“ but then he’s shutting up because as he stands up from behind the display, he sees you. Beautiful, right in front of him, perfect, squeezable, lovable you. Right in front of him and his eyes must be deceiving him right? You didn’t even notice him as he walked past. Right?

“Well damn, and I was hoping to get a few things-“

“Not to you- never to you.” Your eyebrow quirks at that.

“We’re never closed to you.” He’s blushing and you smile.

Tomura’s mouth went dry. He had already stuffed his new weed products into his hoodie pocket and was about to head downstairs to get prepared to be absolutely gone until he went looking for you tomorrow.

“Do me a favor and lock the front door? I’m going on a smoke break after this and I don’t know how long Dabi is going to take.” You blushed.

“How will I leave then?” You did it anyway and he just chuckles.

“You think you’re leaving babe?” Did he just? Yes. Yes he did. Oh my god he did.

If only he could just take you downstairs right now.

He was almost shocked when he heard what you were getting but then he felt you tug on his sleeve and he’s immediately forgetting that he’s supposed to be grabbing your products.

He seems to forget how to breathe when he finally urges himself to look at you. Really look at you. You’re so fucking beautiful and he knows that but he can’t help just wanting to fall asleep and wake up next to you, you’re so beautiful he can’t handle it at times. Your dyed blue hair had started to fade and it was fading into a pale little baby blue like his at the tips, still fairly dark at the roots. Needless to say. He was living for it, and the way you’d occasionally lick your lips and drag your tongue over your lip piercings.

When he finally wills himself to grab your chin he immediately leans in, and he wants to kiss you so bad but this stupid display is in the way, and he’s almost tempted to hop over it.

He doesn’t, instead opting to quickly grabbing the shit you ordered, stuffing it in a bag and dropping it on the counter. You grabbed it of course, but after that he’s leading you around the counter and grabbing your chin again with his pointer and thumb, just like every other time.

You’re the one that connects the kiss and after that he’s wrapping his arms around your waist and tapping your thigh.

You took the hint pretty quickly and let out a cute little ‘hmph’ as you slightly hop and wrap your arms and legs around him. Tomura only broke the kiss to walk down the stairs.

But you. You on the other hand. You were shoving your face in his neck and sucking dark purple marks that’d be visible to anyone who ends up looking his way tomorrow and the following days of the next coming week.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to take so long. I missed you so much.” He tightens his grip around you as he makes his way to his room.

You stop your attack on his neck and your legs seem to tighten around him involuntarily.

“It’s okay Shig, I know you can’t control it.” He groans at that. Why do you have to be so damn understanding? It’s frustratingly hot.

“Gonna fuck you so nice and full. How does that sound baby?” Baby? The whine that comes from you when he says it has him pulling you closer. Accidentally but not so accidentally pushing your waist closer to his, making his already hardening member in his uncomfortably tight jeans twitch.

He closes and locks his door behind him when he strides into the room, thanking god for Kurogiri cleaning the rooms today.

He’s gonna have to start working on his messes and get used to cleaning them up of course. Just not this one.

“I’m gonna make such a beautiful mess of you babe.” Babe too? The way he pinned you to his bed so quickly had your cheeks flushing.

“I think I wanna start with your pretty legs pushed to your chest huh? How does that sound baby?” You nodded quickly.

“Please Shig, I’ve been dreaming about it, please fuck me-“ he chuckles and a hand wraps around your throat with the obvious exception of one finger, and he grinds his hips against yours.

“You don’t have to worry baby, I’m definitely going to fuck you, but I have to make sure it’s good don’t I?” You nodded and he’s tearing through the crotch of your fishnets earning a whine from you.

“Shiggy! These are new!” He laughs.

“I’ll buy you new ones, look at how pretty they look on your legs. I can’t help but want to ruin you in them.” His four fingers drag across your legs, the soft fabric of the fishnets dragged across your legs and you sighed contently.

“I got them for you.” He pauses at that and his cock twitches in his jeans once again.

“What did you just say?” Your cheeks are flushed and you’re looking away timidly.

“I thought you’d like them. I guess I was right?” He nods quickly and he’s finally undoing his jeans and shoving them down just enough to pull himself out.

“I fucking love them.”

“I’m gonna make this fun baby, you’ll be too wrecked to even go home tonight.” If your legs would have been around him, you would’ve tightened them around him, he could feel the way your thighs tensed while he held them against your chest.

“Awe and your parents will probably be so worried!” You whined at that and you’re finally looking down at his throbbing member. He’s way bigger than you were expecting, but not scarily huge.

The moment he pushes your panties to the side and starts sliding in, you’re wrapping your arms around his shoulders and clenching around him and he’s trying not to cry because you feel so good. You’re letting him do this and you like it. You want this just as much as he does, and because of that. He just can’t help the words that spill out of him.

“F-Fuck, s-so good, s- oh fuck, you’re heavenly!” And tears pool in his eyes as he and you both adjust because the euphoria you’re both feeling from just this is driving you both insane and his hips twitch forward.

“M’gonna move okay?” You nodded and as soon as he had placed his hand down on your thigh, he pulled away and halfway out of you, but the intensity of it all as he did it kept him from leaving your warm cunt.

“SHIT! Shit, Shit, Shit! Are you okay?” But you’re fine, in fact not a single scratch on you, and you’re just confused, but he’s too scared to risk it again.

“S-Shig, please move.” Suddenly he’s reminded of who you are. Where you both are. You’ve got tears in your eyes as you lead his hand to your neck, the same hand you should be decaying from currently. With his middle finger in your hand he squeezes your neck with a tighter force than you’re expecting but you moan and he’s dropping it. It wasn’t enough to hurt badly at all, it just caught you off guard, and apparently him too, his brain is rattled, you should be partially decayed right now.

“That was new.” He nods. Something seemed different in his eyes. He can’t focus now, not that he could before.

“I need to try something. Do you trust me?” You nodded and he goes for it.

He can pull away, is what he tells himself. But his whole hand is touching- no squeezing your thigh and nothing happens. So he puts his other hand down experimentally on your other leg and nothing happens.

That’s when his hands are pushing your thighs back to your chest and he’s plowing into you and you gasp and throw your head back.

“Shit- f-fuck Tomura slow down.” He halts his movements all together and bottoms out inside of you.

His hands let go of your thighs and you let out a breath of relief as you put them down. You were so incredibly full right now. On his end though, he’s holding on for dear life. The grip your cunt has around him is suffocatingly sweet and he’s trying to keep himself from cumming too soon.

“Hoodie off. As pretty as you look in it, I need to touch all of you.” He does the same, stripping his shirt and the same time, and twitching inside you when you take off his hoodie to reveal you were only wearing a bra underneath.

“You’re so beautiful. I need more of you. I need you so fucking badly it hurts.” You choked out a gasp when he twitches inside of you again.

“I’m here, I’m all yours, please move Shig I didn’t want you to stop.” You wrap your legs around his waist and the slutty shy moan you whine into his ear has him smiling.

“No Princess, you asked me to slow down. So I’ll take it nice and slow for you, okay?” He’s taunting you. You know he is, because his hands come in contact with the skin of your waist and the tears that had pooled in his eyes are slipping down his cheeks, but he wipes them quickly and pulls out to finally kick his jeans off the rest of the way. He’s just as desperate for this as you are. He’s just teasing you about it.

The slow thrusts he gives you once he’s inside you again make you actually start crying.

“Shig, please! Fuck me faster! I didn’t mean this slow plea-“ and you’re cut off by your own moans as he starts to pick up speed, bottoming out with each thrust and holding you against him for a good second every time your hips met.

“What would your parents think of you right now Y/n? Such a slutty little girl for your special villain huh? Fucking me in my dispensary and wrapping your thighs around my face in an alley? You’re all mine, isn’t that right pretty girl?” You nod quickly, but the words that come out of your mouth make him love you even more than before.

“I’m all yours Shig. I don’t care what my parents think, just want you, just wanna be with you.” His thrusts start to stutter at that but he recovers and suddenly grips your waist harder and thrusts quicker.

“Wanna be with me? Babe you are. You’re mine. No one will ever hurt you while I’m around.” His hips are stuttering and your legs are tightening around him as he spills into you and he’s wrapping his arms around you. Tears pool in his eyes once again and he’s holding you tightly against him as close as he possibly can while he fills you with his cum, and when he sees the way you’re looking up at him.

He goes feral.

“Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine! Mine!!” Your vision blurs when he thrusts into you at a specific angle bottoming out once again as he stills and you cry out quietly but desperately while you cream around his cock.

“You’re all mine. My special girl. I love you so much. So fucking pretty when you cum babe. You’re so tight and warm. Gonna fill you so nicely and give you a baby. How’s that sound?” You nod quickly and he smiles.

“Good. So good for me babe. Gonna make you a mommy. You don’t mind, do you?” You’re whining and your legs are tightening around him, as well as your cunt. So fucking warm and welcoming, and he’s reveling in it.

“F-Fuck! Don’t d-do that, gonna make me cum again.” He’s whining and groaning in your ear as he pulls you closer and you push your hips up.

“I need you to fill me up Shig, I wanna walk around with your cum soaking my panties like you said, please, I need it Shig plea-nngh~” he’s thrusting again quickly.

He really didn’t need to hear anymore once you had said that.

“That sounds so hot babe, but you’re not leaving tonight. Not when it’s so dangerous at night, there are criminals. Don’t you know?” You let out a breathy laugh as he rolls his hips.

“You are that criminal Shig.” He leans forward, chest pressed against yours and his hands are suddenly roaming around your whole torso, squeezing and groping the skin as he wholeheartedly just feels you.

“Imagine the headlines Shig- Can’t you imagine? ‘Daughter of Pro Hero Electoplant gone missing?!’ Only for me to show up at home a few days later.” You’re laughing when you say it and he even chuckles with you, but the more he thinks about it the more he picks up the speed of his thrusts.

“Don’t want to leave you again. Just wanna cuddle all night and keep you warm.” His voice is cracking and his thrusts seem to slow stilling inside you as he shoves his face in your neck.

“Need to make sure you’ll come back to me.” He’s pressing his lips against your neck and it’s so foreign. Normally it’s his hands that wrap around your throat that makes you whine but as he nips gently and sucks roughly on your neck, you clench around him and he whimpers as he sucks harshly.

“If I’d have known that you loved me abusing your neck so much, I’d have started sooner.” Your legs tighten around his hips and it’s then that he realizes he stopped thrusting.

“S-So tight, fuck m’gonna cum again.” His voice is higher and he’s whining with each soft thrust as he pushes into you slowly again. The way you’re sucking him in has to be a crime because you’re so warm and squishy, and tight. He’s already convinced himself that he’s sleeping like this, buried inside you, that’s what he wants. needs.

“Gonna breed you. Fill you so nice and full. My beautiful baby. Gonna make such a beautiful mommy.” You’re cumming around his cock again as he says it, he had started to pick up his thrusts now and the thought of all of this was turning you on beyond belief.

You never really wanted kids, now thats different though of course. He’s changed everything.

“Doing so good Shig-“ he’s interrupting you before he himself can even register what he’s saying.

“Tenko. You say Tenko.” Your eyes bulge a bit as he picks up his speed.

“P-Please g-go harder Tenko plea-hnnGh~” Your whines come out desperately after that. You couldn’t seem to get a hold of yourself as he drills into you at a seemingly inhuman pace.

“F-Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! M’gonna cum. Gonna fill you so nicely with my cum and cockwarm you after.” His hands squeeze your hips and the sight of your mouth agape, tongue lolled out, and eyes crossed seems to engrave itself in his brain.

“Say it again babe. Call for me, say my name.” You gasp out a desperate whimper and your arms wrap tightly around his shoulders.

“T-T-Tenko, please! F-fuck-“ you’re cut off by more whines and moans as he drills into you harder.

“So close. S-So fucking close babe.” He tightens his grip on your hips even more and you’re squealing as you squirt around him and he fills you up one final time.

“Shit, you’re so fucking tight Y/n.” He lays his head on your chest and catches his breath.

“Can I stay? Feels so good.” He lifts his head to look at you and you nod quickly.

“M’so full Shig-“

“Tenko. Never forget what you’re allowed to use that others don’t know.” You blushed and clenched around him earning a nice gasp from him as he looks down to your connected areas.

“Tenko you’re so pretty.” Your hand reaches to cup his cheek and he tears up.

“W-What..?” He looked like he was going to cry as he looked into your eyes now, which ultimately wasn’t your goal.

“T-THAT’S NOT A BAD THING-!” You sputter and kiss his forehead while wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I know. I just- I’ve never- I never thought that-“ he cuts himself off by shoving his flushed face in your neck.

“You’re so fucking pretty Tenko. You keep me so safe and make me feel so special. It’s weird but if I didn’t have you I think I’d be losing my mind being stuck in that stupid pro-hero family.” He snickers.

“Don’t you have your license?” He’s snickering as he says it and you nod.

“Yeah, but I’m not an active hero, I only use my quirk when people are actually in trouble and I see it. Sorry but I’m not gonna become a hero just to be a shitty one.” He nodded. He admired your opinion on it to an extent. But why did you think you’d be a shitty one?

That’d be a question for another day, because his level of fatigue is finally starting to hit him and he’s falling asleep on top of you.

The next morning he’s still buried inside you with his arms wrapped tightly around you, but your phone is blowing up with messages from your friends, mom and dad, and Denki and you can’t reach it without shifting a bit.

“Damn it.” You felt the man on top of you managing to tighten his grip on you.

“Don’t leave me. Not yet. M’not ready yet.” His voice cracks as he says it, and you send your family group chat a quick message.

‘I’m with a friend. Be home soon.’ You were moving out in a few days anyway. It’s not like they could ground you.

“I’m not leaving Tenko. Just had to text a few people.” You’re reminded of those people as they start to spam your phone again.

Demanding that ‘NO! YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY!’ Not that you listened.

“I’m moving.” He tenses, and you can tell he’s scared to ask the question.

“Where?” You smiled.

“You know the apartment complex right across the street from my favorite sweets shop?” Please. Because if you’re playing with him, it’s not funny.

That’s five minutes away from here. He nods and you gasp as he makes a move to finally start pulling out of you.

“So there?” You nodded quickly and he chuckles.

“Come shower with me. Nothing else, I promise.” You nodded and you could stand. It was the feeling of his cum starting to move that mad you sit right back down.

He snickers and picks you up with the exception of his middle fingers again.

“Having issues?” You simply let out a cute little, ‘hmph.’ So he decides to leave it at that.

“Thank you.” You’re confused when he says it.

“For what?” He sets you down in the warm water that he had started running and the familiar feeling of his cum starting to run out of you comes back as he steps in.

You should be disgusted. Grimacing in fact. But as his cum finally starts to leak out of you he can’t seem to answer you for what he’s thankful for.

“That’s- I uhm, I-“ his face flushes and he shuts up when he realizes you’re just as flustered as he is.

“Y-Y-Fuck. You look so pretty like this. So vulnerable all for me.” He whispers it in your ear and the thought of you grabbing his dick never even crossed his mind. But then you do it, and he can’t help but fall a little more in love as you run your thumb over the slit of his tip, earning a loud whine as he bucks his hips forward.

You both eventually get out of his room. After more sex of course and more of his cum being stuffed inside of you.

What you really weren’t counting on however, was running into Pro Hero Hawks as you leave Tomura’s room, as he comes down the stairs.

“Y/n? What are you doing here? Your dad said that you haven’t been answering your phone-“

“Well- I mean, it’s weird. Using your phone in a dispensary and all.” You shrugged and he chuckled.

“For a whole day?” You coughed and sputtered before speaking again.

“Well! I should be on my way! Don’t wanna keep the pro heroes waiting!” You gave him little finger guns and Hawks grabs your wrist only for you to yank it away quickly.

“Don’t touch people for no reason Takami. It makes you seem pervy.” He goes to grab you again but you swerve past him to walk up the stairs.

“Kaminari! Are you a villa-“ you laughed before he could finish.

“No. I’m just fucking one-“ you cut yourself off by slapping your hands over your mouth.

“Welp. I outta go.” You’re up the stairs and out the door before he can say anything else, and it’s then that he sees Tomura leave the same room you came out of.

“I’m sorry. What?!”

[yumeka36]

Fruits Basket (2019)

*Artwork credited to みるき on pixiv*

Just watched the last episode of the new Fruits Basket anime. Wow, what an emotional ride! I'm someone who watched the original 26-episode anime from the early 2000s but never continued the story through the manga (I considered buying the manga volumes but never followed through with it...I'm just more into anime than manga). It's so great to finally know the complete story behind one of my favorite anime. I wanted to share my thoughts here, as someone who knew nothing about what happens from where the original 2001 anime left off (spoiler warning from here on)...

- Kureno and Rin were the two zodiac members who never appeared in the original anime. It was nice to finally see them and I think they were both good characters.

- The four student council members that Yuki interacts with were also new to me. I can't say I liked them much overall as they (mostly) seemed to be comic relief and I didn't think they were that funny or interesting. I also found myself wondering why we got these new characters when the show already has such a large ensemble - a lot of their filler screentime could have gone to developing the more "forgotten" zodiac members, like Ritsu (seriously, why was Ritsu totally shafted?) But the relationship between Machi and Yuki was cute at least.

-The background music for the series was really nice, though the opening and ending songs didn't really grab me. But then again, the opening song from the original anime, "For Fruits Basket" by Ritsuko Okazaki, is such a beautiful song - one of my favorite anime tunes and very hard to outshine!

- I adored the relationship between Arisa and Kureno, probably more than any other relationship in the show! I couldn't get enough of those early episodes where they first met...but then I was sad when it seemed like they would never be able to get together. Glad that wasn't the case in the end!

- I'm still not clear on what Shigure's motivations were throughout the series. Even in the original anime, although he seemed jovial and fatherly, I could tell he had some ulterior motives. But even in this new series, I'm still not sure what his intentions were. According to the Fruits Basket wiki, he also wanted to break the curse, but his methods didn’t click with me...and he did some pretty despicable things in the past. But did he genuinely care about Tohru and the others or was he just using them for some less than pure purpose? Obviously it’s revealed that he’s always been in love with Akito, but often it seemed like he did more sadistic things to her than trying to help her. I dunno, I just couldn't quite figure Shigure out.

- The backstory with Kyo first encountering Tohru and coincidently forming a bond with Kyoko felt slightly contrived, but it was still nice to see their interactions. The fact that Kyo will forever wonder whether Kyoko actually said that she’d never forgive him is frustrating though. I know Tohru somewhat convinced him that she’d never say that, and the audience obviously knows she didn’t, but I feel like Kyo might still have doubts.

- There were a lot of episodes that got me right in the feels, but the backstory episode about the origin of the zodiac animals’ bonds with “god” was amazing! It was such an emotional shock to finally know where that bond came from and why it was so strong, and then to subsequently see each Sohma break their bond one by one. Such a memorable episode and definitely one of my favorites.

- I tried, but it was really hard for me to feel much sympathy for Akito. I know she had her own personal hell she was living in, but her cruelty towards the others was pretty unbearable. Even though she felt bad about it in the end and was willing to turn over a new leaf, she should have gotten some kind of punishment for what she did. It’s not like she was just a bully - she has many accounts of literal attempted murder and assault behind her. Just saying “sorry” and feeling bad shouldn’t be enough to atone for that in my opinion. I know the Sohmas probably avoid interacting with law enforcement out of fear that their secret will be found out, but they could still punish Akito on their own accord. I know the show heavily advocates forgiveness, but still, accountability when it matters is important too.

- Since I only ever watched the original anime, I never knew who Tohru ended up with. Even though the original series ended strongly on her relationship with Kyo, I still thought Yuki had a chance. I didn’t really have a preference, but now that I’ve seen the new series, I think Kyo makes more sense. His character development from anger-filled delinquent to a caring and confident young man was fantastic and definitely one of the highlights of the series. Though the huge time skip in the final episode’s epilogue was a bit...too far into the future, lol. I would have preferred seeing each of the Sohmas say goodbye to Tohru instead, since they kept talking about it throughout the episode but then we never see them sending her off.

Overall, it was an emotional but rewarding experience to finally know the complete story behind an anime that’s been among my favorites for almost 20 years. I was satisfied with how the original anime ended, but I still longed to know the complete story. Even though the emotional moments and character monologues did sometimes drag on a bit, and the comedic scenes didn’t always hit their mark for me, Fruits Basket’s good points more than outweigh its bad points in my opinion. What it lacks in some aspects it makes up for in excellent drama and compelling character arcs. I’m many years late, but I’m glad I didn’t miss out on knowing the full story!

[stubbychaos]

A Dishonest Woman

Chapter 9 of Saviin’ika

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8

Masterlist Pairing: Paz Vizsla x Nurse!Reader

Summary: Paz is determined to have the one that has caused you so much pain to kneel for you, though you’re surprised to find another begging for forgiveness at your feet after all is said and done and blood has been shed.

Rating: M

Word Count: 12,700

Warnings: There’s some pretty intense injuries and mentions of having to pop bones back into place, as well as blood and stitches. There’s also brief mentions of the aftermath of the sexual assault attempt.

Just a quick mention as well: I wanted to thank @lackofhonor for giving me the inspiration for a cute little idea for this chapter about the other Mandos being mischievous :) Also thank you to @datmando​ for always letting me scream at you about all my chaotic ideas <3

Author’s note will be at the end, but one last thank you to @coredrive​ for blessing all of us with that beautiful gifset of Paz!!

You nearly cry the second you see Paz inch the bounty hunter’s helmet upwards to the point where the tip of a scruffy tan chin is revealed. 

Horror fills your heart and soul at the thought of watching a Mandalorian’s helmet be removed. 

You jolt forward, but Ima is quick to wrap her arms around your waist, effectively stopping you from accidentally getting hurt and even though you feel a pain shoot up your side from your cauterized wound, it doesn’t stop you from screaming out right before the helmet is just below his bottom lip.

“Paz!”

Immediately, the room is cast in silence and even though you should feel terrified at the fact that dozens of t-shaped visors are now pointed in your direction, you can only focus on the way Paz lets go of the bounty hunter, not even realizing you had been watching the entire fight. Immediately, the unconscious man slips to the ground with a loud ringing noise that has you cringing as you try to wriggle desperately against Ima’s tight hold. Everyone’s visor watches you struggle feebly against the young warrior and she hisses at you desperately to stop--that it is dishonorable to interrupt such a battle.

You gasp when Paz easily flips the bounty hunter over onto his back, pressing his boot harshly against his cuirass and you panic as you listen to the hunter’s gurgling noises from underneath where the lip of his helmet is still miraculously resting on his chin.

“Tell her you’re sorry, Djarin!” Paz roars, circling around him like a predator taunting its prey and your shoulders hunch up a little, “Maybe I’ll give her your helmet when I’m finished with you--bet she could sell that for a lot more than five hundred credits. How much is that shiny Beskar worth? Probably far more than the pathetic price put on her head.”

When he doesn’t respond, Paz sends a mighty kick to the hunter’s ribs--one similar to what he had dealt to your father--and you let out a small whimper and turn your head up to colorful Mandalorian, emphasizing the contempt in your voice as much as you possibly can.

“If you don’t let me go, I won’t ever look at you or Paz the same again.”

Ima doesn’t say anything and you seize up when you watch Paz produce a vibroblade.

The blade that had been taken from you the night before after slaying the trandoshan.

“Do you realize what you made her do with this?”

The bounty hunter remains lifeless as Ima stares down at you and fear grips your heart so tightly when you hear the young Mandalorian groaning from the intense pain. He doesn’t even attempt to choke out pathetic little apologies and you’re certain he must be unconscious underneath that scorching hot helmet.

“Please,” You beg her, a tear trickling down your cheek as you think of someone having their life ruined just because of you, “I am supposed to help those who are hurt, not watch them suffer.”

Angrily, Paz tosses the blade onto the floor, seeming to prefer to use his hands to inflict pain and it makes everything seem far more personal, considering weapons were supposed to be a part of his religion.

“What?” Paz grabs him by his cowl to bring him to his knees, though he’s slumped forward in a weak position; you squeeze your eyes shut and recoil when your warrior all but picks him up and slams him into the slim steel bars on the side of the forge, “Can’t handle a little pain, vod’ika? She seemed to handle it just fine when you were delivering her to her death! Managed to even fight back against the one you sold her to, you fucking coward--you’re not even going to try to fight me?”

The bounty hunter is lifelessly propped up against the forge.

Finally, Ima lets out a deep sigh and reluctantly lets go of you.

Immediately you surge forward, not caring there’s a possibility that you can get hurt in the intense altercation.

You cry out Paz’s name again when he sends a harsh blow to the side of the bounty hunter’s helmet with a powerful swing of his huge, heavy gauntlet and you are quick to stop him in his attempt to further hurt the bounty hunter.

He pulls his arm to the side and back, ready to deliver another heavy hit to the bounty hunter’s helmet and you quickly latch onto the big yellow gauntlet, careful not to press any buttons so you don’t incinerate yourself or anyone else with his flamethrower. You feel the way he instantly stops himself from swinging his huge appendage forward, perhaps out of fear of hurting you and his helmet quickly snaps to the side to look at your teary eyes that barely poke over his bicep. 

He could easily shove you out of the way, and even though you just watched the damage he inflicted on one of his own, you still trust him not to hurt you.

But you will not let him do this--you refuse.

“What are you--?”

“I would not let you put him through anymore,” You plead in a desperate, hushed whisper, trying to keep your conversation private from the others, though you’re certain they all hear it, “I would not let you put him through the same pain that I have gone through--of losing his family.”

Paz doesn’t even move an inch or say a word, but he allows you to put yourself between him and the bounty hunter and simply stares at you; you’re certain if you were anyone else, you would have been dead the second you challenged him. 

You’re not just anyone though and you finally understand that.

You’re the one he had confessed his love to only the night before and had trusted enough to bring to his tribe; you were the one that he had taken his helmet off for, even if it was in the darkness of a safe place. While you understood that his anger came from a place of intense pain from nearly losing the one he loved, you could not just stand by and watch while he made that sort of decision for you, not when you couldn’t mentally handle watching someone have their life taken from them so soon after the Trandoshan incident.

No, even though Paz so desperately wanted his revenge, it suddenly did not feel like his duty to seek vengeance for you when you were still alive.

“Please Paz,” You crouch down next to the bounty hunter, pressing your fingers to his neck to check for a pulse point to make sure he’s not actually dead, “I think he has endured enough punishment, don’t you?”

“No, I fucking don’t think he’s learned his lesson! What he did to you was unforgivable!” Paz seethes and you let out a little sigh of relief when you finally detect a steady pulse, though Paz’s thunderous voice has you on edge, “You’re really going to let this go so easily?!”

He’s never raised his voice with you and even though you can tell it’s most likely from the adrenaline, you feel your worry slowly give way to anger.

“Please, do not yell at me,” You whip your head to give him an incredulous glare over your shoulder and you hear some of the others murmur to one another as Paz takes a small step back, though he is quick to compose himself, “I did not say I forgive him, but I do not wish to see any more bloodshed because of me, Mandalorian. I know what he did--I was there.”

“Then why won’t you let me make him apologize to you?” He hisses in a low voice, watching as you inspect his dislocated shoulder with great tenderness, “He doesn’t deserve your help when he showed you no such courtesy.”

“Because I am a nurse and it is my job to help others, Paz. He is your family and even if you or I do not like him right now, I do not wish for one of your own to die when I could have saved them,” You turn to face him once again, your brows pinched together in frustration you’ve never felt towards your blue warrior and you hate the fact that you’re even arguing with him over the bounty hunter in the first place, “If he is to apologize to me, I want it to be because he truly feels sorry for what he did, not because you beat him within an inch of his life. Now please, would you help me take him to… wherever it is the wounded are treated here?”

Paz is frozen to his spot and it feels like you’re staring each other down for eternity, everyone else watching the silent interaction with what you’re sure is curiosity and shock that their heavy-infantry warrior is letting his little nurse talk to him in such a way. You realize suddenly how stubborn this man can be--even towards you--and for some reason that only makes your irritation grow as you think of how soft and easy-going he had been with you the previous night when it had just been the two of you.

Is he doing this because he’s afraid of looking like a pushover in front of his tribe?

“He didn’t even want you here,” Paz eventually sneers, pointing his thumb and index finger in the unconscious man’s direction, choosing to argue even more with you and you feel your heart sink to the pit of your stomach, “He is the reason why I was fighting so hard for you to be a part of the tribe in the first place! You think the one who was so insistent on not having you here is suddenly worthy of being tended to by you? While you were suffering, he was planning your death and I was begging for your place in the tribe.”

“I’ve been suffering my whole life, Paz,” You remind him with an angry lilt in your voice, lightly tapping the bounty hunter’s helmet in an attempt to wake him, though he simply offers you a garbled noise in response, “This is no different than anything else I’ve been through, okay? Just let me take care of his injuries and then the three of us can talk it out and--”

Then he says your name in the most contemptuous tone you’ve ever heard from him and ice pumps through your veins at his next words.

“Sometimes, I think you are too fucking soft for your own good.”

You immediately freeze, staring up at him in shock as you register the warrior’s bitter tone and you don’t even know what to say or how to process the intense pain and sadness that threatens to overwhelm you like a raging tidal wave.

You think of what he had said upon admitting his love for you the first time, how he had spoken sweet words of the way he admired how compassionate and soft you were--how utterly devoted he had sounded--and you begin to doubt yourself.

“And what would you do when he grows tired of you?”

You remember your father’s cruel words and tears instantly fill your eyes at the fact that you’re letting him get to you in a place where Paz had promised you’d be safe from him and you hear the other Mandalorians murmurs grow more tense. They must be admonishing you for talking back to such a powerful member of their tribe, but you suddenly don’t care what they think and hastily wipe away a tear that slips down your cheek, shaking off Paz’s unusually bitter words.

But you can’t shake it off, you realize, as your bottom lip quivers as his words hang over your heart heavier than what his Beskar must weigh down on his own shoulders.

Paz immediately seems to forget his anger towards the bounty hunter, his shoulders falling a little as he hears yours sniffles when you turn back towards the unconscious man at your feet, your hands now shaking.

Anger and confusion swells deep within you as you keep thinking of your estranged father’s words, leaning lower to grab the bounty hunter’s uninjured arm to tug it around your shoulders; you want to cry harder as you try to stand up and support his weight, though he is far too heavy for you to lift. You hear Paz step forward, but then you also hear Imalia’s hushed, angry voice, followed by hasty little footsteps making their way over to you.

“Go cool down somewhere else, I’ll take care of this, di’kut,” Ima says in a firm voice, crouching down next to you as she wraps her arms around the bounty hunter’s waist and helps you haul him to his feet. You’re too angry and upset to admire the physical strength this teenage girl has and a part of you is half tempted to ask if she can knock some sense into your blue warrior.

Paz is staring right at you as you risk a glance up in his direction as you and Imalia guide the unconscious bounty hunter to the tribe’s infirmary and you hate that he’s refusing to say anything to you, so for once, you speak up first.

“You are not a cruel man,” You whisper fiercely to him, clenching your jaw a little when you notice his tight fists unfurl as he sees your tears burning your eyes like lit coals, “And I do not believe you to be one, but I do not like seeing this side of you and I pray I did not make a mistake coming here if this is how I am to be treated by you in front of your sisters and brothers.” 

“Saviin’ika, I shouldn’t have--”

“Do not call me that, right now!” You snap with a shaky cry, earning a few more murmurs from his armored family, and you watch as Paz recoils from how upset and raw you suddenly sound, “I am not some sort of punching bag or target used for practice, Mandalorian, and I am sick and tired of being used as one. I would not let you tear someone away from their family--the ones he loves--because of me!” You argue fiercely, hating that you have to force yourself not to flinch upon hearing the bounty hunter’s pained groans as his scorching helmet slips to the side and onto your shoulder, “I may love you, but I refuse to watch you ruin this man’s life because he made a foolish mistake. Shouldn’t this be my choice?”

“But--”

“Are you even listening to what she’s trying to say?” Imalia is quick to snap at him as well, not holding back nearly as much as you did, “This isn’t your fight to fight, okay?! Saviin is right, if he’s going to apologize to her, he should do it because he genuinely means it.”

“And how do you know he will apologize in the first place?”

Everyone stares at you, but you’re still focused on Paz and how tense he is as he listens to Ima’s insistent voice, “Because, Saviin is the reason why he still has his helmet and his family, despite the fact that he nearly took everything from her; only a demagolka would not say sorry to her. Trust me, he will apologize upon hearing that she protected him from losing so much. Please, just go cool down Uncle, you’re not thinking right.”

Then Ima lowers her tone a little, sounding softer when she realizes you still have tears in your eyes, “Mirdir be pehea gar kelir sirbur Ni ceta at kaysh.”

Even though he’s tried to keep his composure in front of his people, you instantly see the way his shoulders slump completely and his helmet drops at the soft bite in the young Mandalorian’s hushed words as you and her continue forward, the Beskar sea of huge Mandalorians parting to let the three of you through. The bounty hunter mumbles incoherent statements as Imalia tells you which way to turn your body and you think that he’s most certainly concussed by the way he slurs his sentences.

You pray that they have bacta.

“I’m sure it is not as fancy or professional as what you’re used to, but this is our little infirmary. It hasn’t been used in a long time, but I’m sure you could spruce it up a little,” Ima sighs and grunts as she gracelessly flops the Mandalorian onto a creaky cot upon entering a little alcove, though you find it not too terribly different than your own tiny office at the village infirmary except for the fact that everything is covered in a thick layer of dust, “I am not sure if you are able to help him too much or if you even want to, but--”

“Can you find me whatever medical supplies your tribe may have?” You cut off her sheepish ranting, not hesitating to remove the Mandalorian’s pauldrons, utility belt, and cuirass as you inspect the severity of his dislocated shoulder and a deep gash that Paz had managed to inflict upon his lower abdomen, “Tools for sutures, bacta patches or shots, disinfectant--things like that? Soapy rags and perhaps a bowl of warm water?”

Ima immediately grows silent and you’re surprised by the teenager’s willingness to help you as you turn away to wash any germs from your hands with hot water, not allowing your blue warrior’s harsh words to get the best of your nerves. Immediately, you’re pulling drawers open, gathering whatever antibiotics and disinfectants you can find, thinking that this Mandalorian probably needs whatever he can get after taking such a beating from Paz.

“Goodness,” You sigh, shoulders falling as you inspect the deep gash that is just stretched along his left hip and you shake your head a little as you think of the wound he’d forced you to cauterize as Ima hastily approaches you with what looks to be an unused suture kit.

“Your name… it’s Din Djarin, right?” You question quietly, not even sure if he’s fully conscious or if he’s completely gone as Imalia approaches you with a metal tray with several supplies lying on top; immediately, you perk up when you see a tiny bottle filled with bacta and a syringe. She watches in silence as you are hasty and efficient to fill the syringe with the miracle substance, stabbing the long needle somewhere underneath his helmet, near the base of his skull to hopefully help with whatever brain trauma he’s experiencing.

“You--” The bounty hunter is slurring his words as he attempts to sit up on the little cot, though Ima is quick to force him back down with a steady hand against his chest while you get to work on untucking his dark tunics from his pants so you can get a better look at the damage, “Y-You’re helping me?”

You don’t say anything as Ima hands you a warm wet rag to clean the blood away from his skin and you lean in a little closer to make sure there’s no debris in the wound or that it doesn’t already look infected. You gracefully begin the process of stitching his severe wound at his tanned abdomen, earning small grunts and groans from the young bounty hunter who is clearly uncomfortable in his current position, though he seems more coherent and aware of his surroundings. Ima remains behind you and a part of you wonders why, if she’s worried the bounty hunter is going to try something with you or if she’s simply fascinated by simple medical procedures.

“Are you bleeding under there?” You ask the injured man quietly, referring to his shiny helmet that you think must still be scorching hot; he continues to stare up at the ceiling and you hope he hasn’t passed out again, fearing what kind of damage Paz might have caused to his brain. He could be on the verge of death and you wouldn’t even know, you realize with disdain, not liking that you can’t properly treat your patient.

“Even if I was, I wouldn’t let you take my helmet off, outsider.”

You scoff and shake your head, though Ima is diligent and hasty to admonish the hunter, “I do not think you are in any position to be giving our nurse any attitude, not after she stood up for you in front of nearly the whole tribe.”

Finally, he rolls his helmet to the side to peer down at your hunched over form as you take your time to stitch the deep wound, “Stood up for me?”

“Yeah, di’kut,” Ima huffs and you hear her shift around behind you, “Uncle Paz was about to take your stupid helmet off and saviin’ika stopped him right before he could, even defended what little honor you still possess; she even got in a fight with uncle over you. I don’t think you really deserved her mercy since you didn’t even want her here in the first place--since you sold her for five hundred credits.”

Your cheeks flare up and you shake your head a little, trying to think of your life being worth more than a pouch of credits.

He’s quiet for a few thoughtful moments and he lets out with a pained grunt as you eventually finish stitching the wound, “Why?”

You swallow the lump in your throat and let out with a sad sigh as you clean the blood away from the bruised skin around the sutures, shaking your head a little, “I know what would happen if he would have removed your helmet, Mandalorian. You would have lost everything and everyone you love--those you call family--and I would not wish that upon my worst enemy.”

“But I--”

“I know what you did to me,” You scowl, plastering a large bandage to the stitches to protect it from any debris, “Trust me, I know, but I’ve also felt the loss and grief that comes from losing your loved ones. I lost my mother and… and someone so very dear to me when I was a little girl and that kind of pain is one that you never recover from.”

“I…” The bounty hunter seems to be at a loss for words and you think he must not know how to express his feelings with words nearly as well as Paz, “Thank you.”

You huff a little and urge him to lay down flat on his back so you can properly treat his dislocated shoulder, “Just because I understand your pain does not mean I would ever forget what you’ve done. I would only tolerate you for your family.”

You hear him groan a little as you place your hand just underneath his armpit and use the other to grab his wrist, lightly guiding his arm to the side and closer to you, “What are you doing?”

“I am popping your shoulder back into place,” You frown when he reaches out towards you with his uninjured arm, but he is quick to drop it upon seeing you flinch and Ima tensing up.

“I can do it myself,” He says stubbornly, though you simply keep your hands in place, your brows furrowing when he begins to undermine you, “That requires a lot of force to put it back into place and you don’t look like you can--”

With as much strength you can muster, you yank his arm harshly towards you until you hear the sickening pop of the head of his humerus slipping beyond the lip of his shoulder cup and you hate that you feel a little inkling of satisfaction when you hear his pained groans and erratic wheezing. You think of the several times you’ve had to pop your own shoulder back into place after taking a rough beating, and how excruciating the first time had been--how you had nearly passed out--and you wonder if this is the first time he has experienced such pain.

"I know how to do my job, Mandalorian," Your cheeks burning fiercely with irritation towards the man you stood up for, “I can’t say the same for you.”

Ima snorts her amusement from behind you as you fashion a sling using his cape, all while dealing with the fussy bounty hunter who you’re certain is struggling to not give you a piece of his mind.

“You could have at least done it slower so it wouldn’t be as painful.”

“I would say I am sorry and that I feel bad, but I am not a dishonest woman.”

You hear Ima wheezing behind you, struggling to contain her giggles, though she eventually loses the battle and lets out loud guffaws that have you shaking your own head with amusement.

Eventually, Imalia takes her leave when another Mandalorian enters the room to inform her that the armorer requires the teen’s presence, the larger warrior eyeing the way you’re hovering over the young bounty hunter with an irritated expression on your face before leaving the two of you alone. You’re in the process of stitching yet another smaller cut on the inside of his elbow that you had somehow missed during your lengthy inspection and you wonder just how long Paz had been fighting the bounty hunter before you showed up.

“I’m…” You barely tilt your head up at the sound of his raspy voice before turning back to your handiwork, thinking he’s going to say something rude or snarky, “I am sorry, for what it’s worth--for all the pain I’ve caused you and Paz.”

Your brows quirk up in response to the shock his words cast on you, though you shake it off and glance up at his visor for a quick second, “I don’t know if I can forgive you knowing that you knew what the Trandoshan wanted to do with me, but I appreciate the apology.”

He seems to relax a little and lets out with a crackly sigh as he continues to stare at your concentrated facial expression, “You mentioned your dress when I was taking you back in the speeder,” Instantly, you freeze at the way he speaks so nonchalantly about something that will haunt you forever, “Did he…?”

“N-No,” You murmur weakly, suddenly feeling nauseous as you struggle to not think of the harsh pressure of the Trandoshan’s hand groping you, “He uh--I s-stopped him before I… Paz’s blade.”

Even though you can barely string together a coherent sentence, the Mandalorian still manages to understand, “Does Paz know?”

“No,” You say a little more firmly, finishing up with tending to the minor wound and giving him a cursory glance, “And I plan to keep it that way.”

You find a bacta patch on the tray of items that Ima had left for you on the bedside table and carefully take it out of its plastic wrapper, placing it tenderly along the area on his ribs where Paz had kicked him.

He’s quiet as you help him fix his tunics and put his armor back in place, sheepishly holding out the pauldron that you advise for him to not wear on his bruised, swollen shoulder for at least a week, though you doubt the stubborn man will listen to you. You half expect him to get up and leave the room the moment you stand up and wash your hands in the little sink, though he simply lets out with another crackly sigh as he continues to lay on the cot that is much bigger than the one from your old office.

“He would not think of you any differently if you told him of the criminal’s intentions with you, if that’s why you’re afraid to tell him.”

You sigh, thinking of the words Paz had spewed at you earlier and you slowly plop back down on the chair as you reluctantly keep the bounty hunter company, crossing your arms over your chest, “Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay? Besides, it’s not like it matters, not when I got into a fight with him and yelled at him in front of his tribe. I disrespected him and I’ll probably be out of here by the end of the day.”

“You won’t--I’m sure of it,” He rasps in that cool tone, though there’s still a twinge of pain laced in his filtered voice as he lets out another deep sigh, “I know how he is, how he never really thinks with his head.”

“The same could be said for you as well,” You huff, earning an annoyed sigh from the bounty hunter, “Are you two actually brothers by blood?”

“No, and he made that clear the day I was brought into the tribe,” You tuck your cold hands between your thighs and tilt your head a little at the implications of his amused words, though one sticks out to you the most.

“You were a foundling.”

“Yes,” He grunts, almost seeming awkward and unknowing of how to hold a conversation with someone, “Paz was one of the first ones to talk to me--pretty much told me to stay out of his way. He was never kind to me, but he always made sure none of the others hurt me. He was an angry child, but eventually grew out of it. Still hotheaded like no other though.” 

You smile a little at that, remembering the first time you had met him and how you had thought the exact same thing, “I was scared of him when I first met him too.”

“I know--he came back to the covert and was beating himself up for making a bad first impression,” The bounty hunter scoffs, only continuing when you tuck a lock of hair behind your warm ear, “He always wanted to be the strongest in tribe and all he cared about was being the most powerful, but then one day he came back talking about the village nurse.”

You wonder why this bounty hunter is telling you all of this and before you can ask, he speaks calmly.

“I’ve never seen him more passionate about anything or anyone more than he is about you,” He grunts, almost sounding exasperated as he shakes his helmet a little, “Paz could talk about you for the longest time and I’m pretty sure he has with all the kids when the rest of us get tired of listening to him. He would not get rid of you and is probably kicking himself in the back of his helmet for whatever he said.”

Your face feels like it’s on fire as you think of your usually grouchy warrior going to the covert after spending time with you, only to ramble to his family about you.

“How did you know that he was the one in the wrong? I thought you were unconscious.”

“I know Paz,” Din repeats, sounding utterly unamused as he shakes his helmet and stares up at the ceiling in a thoughtful silence for a few seconds, “I know how he gets when he’s mad and how he doesn’t think straight.”

You clench your jaw a little, still thinking of the pain lingering in your chest because of what your blue warrior had said to you in a fit of rage that had been a result of the bounty hunter.

“It still gave him no right,” You surmise, earning a small hum from Din, “And if he expects me to apologize so I can keep my place here, I refuse.”

You think over his words carefully for a few, the two of you growing silent and you think out of all the Mandalorians you’ve met, he must be the quietest out of all of them, most likely used to living a life of solitude because of his job. Then you think of the time Paz had told you the loneliness he felt during his own travels and you wonder if this Mandalorian feels the same, though you still find it difficult to pity him and you stare thoughtlessly at his shiny helmet. Your eyes burn as you think of this bounty hunter hearing the Trandoshan and all of his plans for you and your chest heaves as you think of the bounty hunter simply not caring.

“I need to know and please be honest,” You plead in a shaky whisper after a few minutes of awkward silence, earning his unwavering attention as his visor moves to stare at you, “Do you actually regret what you did? Or is it just because of me knowing Paz?”

“I…” He sounds conflicted as he shifts around in an uncomfortable manner, watching the way your eyes fill with tears at the thought of him so easily giving you away to someone so cruel, “I know I am a cruel man--much crueler than Paz--but you are the first quarry I’ve ever felt guilt for.”

Tears still burn your eyes and you are quick to rub them away before they can actually fall as you listen to the young bounty hunter try to collect his thoughts.

“I kept hearing your screams, that’s why I came back. I thought he would just leave your body after killing you, but then I saw you and you were just staring at Paz’s blade,” He admits with a frustrated sigh and you think this must be incredibly difficult for him to talk about, especially when he seems so out of tune and defiant towards feeling any emotion, only focused on his next paycheck with no regards for the lives and families he’s ruining.

“I knew right away who you were and…” He cuts himself off before he can reveal too much, turning his helmet to stare back up at the ceiling, “Paz talks a lot about you, but he always spoke of how you did not deserve to live a life in the village--that you were too kind. Most of my bounties are criminals, people who deserve to be imprisoned.”

For some reason, knowing that he came back because he felt bad, rather than suspecting you were associated with Paz eases the ache in your heart, though you find your nails curling painfully into the fabric covering your knees. You don’t trust him and he knows it, judging by the way he keeps his movements slow and his visor pointed away from your face, and you’re grateful when he doesn’t try to offer you comfort because you know it would not come from his heart.

“Paz was right--you were an easy target and that’s why I accepted the job,” The bounty hunter informs you and it only makes you feel worse, knowing that you’re constantly being targeted because others believe you to be so weak, “I’m sorry.”

“I won’t ever be the same because of you.”

He doesn’t say anything and you wonder if he even feels the slightest inclination or twinge of guilt. 

Then you wonder where Paz is, if he’s calmed down enough to talk to you about what’s going on in his mind and dread fills you at the thought of him still being upset with you; what if standing up for Din had ruined everything between you and the blue warrior?

Had this all really been worth it?

“I want to see Paz, but I don’t know this place,” You inform the bounty hunter weakly and you hate how badly your heart is currently aching and you hate that you still long to see the blue warrior after the way he spoke to you, though you think most of it was caused by adrenaline and anger towards his brother, “Do you know where he would be? I need to talk to him.”

You need a proper explanation and an apology.

The bounty hunter lets out with a loud, dramatic grunt as he forces himself up into a sitting position before giving you a sharp nod, “Follow me.”

Your eyes widen as he heaves himself off of the medical cot with a pained groan, though he holds a hand out when you step forward to help him, silently explaining that he does not require your help. Even though you can tell he’s in severe pain, he doesn’t say a word as he hobbles out of the little infirmary and straightens his posture, as though he’s determined to not look weak in front of you or anyone else. You’re nearly tempted to reach out and hold onto his elbow simply out of instinct after spending so much time with the blue Mandalorian, though you force yourself not to as he silently guides you down the small staircase that Paz had helped you down the previous night. He now leads you in a completely different direction and your eyes widen when the atmosphere around you somehow grows warmer and a little lighter.

“Where are you taking me?”

“To the nursery,” The bounty hunter answers and it fills you with both excitement and fear, “That’s usually where he goes when he’s upset--likes spending time with the kids.”

Your brows furrow, wondering why your big blue warrior finds solace in an environment surrounded by little ones who probably enjoy screaming his ears off whenever they have the chance, though you don’t argue and follow closely behind the bounty hunter. You feel eager to meet the little ones in the tribe and you curiously wonder how many there are and how young or old they must be--do they all wear helmets? Or just some?

As soon as you hear the familiar sound of angry little squeaks in the distance, you immediately perk up and grin as you breakaway from the Mandalorian and rush forward to turn a sharp corner. Instantly, you hear the sound of rocks clanking against stone walls and you let out a loud giggle when you spot a tiny, crimson-eyed creature yipping furiously at you.

“Oh, my little one!” You exclaim with a soft little cry, scooping her up into your awaiting arms the moment she makes her way to you in an awkward hobble, her front leg still trapped between the splint you dutifully gave her two nights ago, “Oh, I am so sorry for what I did to you! I did not want to throw you like that, I swear it. It was all the bounty hunter’s fault.”

She's a wriggly little thing as she alternates between nuzzling her wet snout against your cheek and letting out with excited little squeaks and you laugh at her eagerness to see you again. Somewhere behind you, the bounty hunter sighs and you are quick to soothe the vulptex when she peers over your shoulder to give him the fiercest growl she can muster, though it’s more of a high-pitched whine. A content sigh leaves you as you pet her white, rocky head tenderly, admiring the way the dim lighting seems to reflect off of her opalescent coat; your hands seem to calm her and you watch as she turns her head to slowly blink up at you with contentment.

Din shakes his head as he continues to guide you through the covert, watching you as you comfort and soothe your little companion to the point where she’s nearly falling asleep, her head lightly bobbing as she tries to battle her exhaustion. Eventually, she gives up and rests her little head against your stomach as the bounty hunter takes you through a small entrance and into an alcove that is far warmer than the rest of the enclave.

“This whole mess for just a little runt.”

You furrow your brows, though it’s not anger and spite you feel towards his heartless words, but rather confusion and curiosity.

“What if it was a youngling you had been sent to kill or retrieve rather than a vulptex?”

“It’s not the same,” He answers without hesitation, turning his head to stare straight ahead.

“In a way, it kind of is though,” You stubbornly argue with him, your frown deepening as you tilt your head to the side and try to get a better sense of this man’s enigmatic mind, “Is she not an innocent, breathing creature that feels fear and pain? Sure, she may not be able to speak, but that shouldn’t lessen her worth. So tell me, bounty hunter, what if one of your quarries was a child--perhaps one too young to speak their fears aloud? Would the reward on their head matter more than your ability to not let it haunt you when you can’t sleep at night?”

He doesn’t say anything for a few moments and you feel your heart drop as you gaze down at your sleeping vulptex, pondering how anyone could possibly harm a child, let alone deliver them to their death. Suddenly, you wonder if you had made a mistake in not letting Paz take the bounty hunter’s helmet off, thinking him to not be honorable in the slightest.

“I would not hurt a child.”

“That was not the question I asked you,” You scoff at him, feeling your heart thrum angrily in your chest, “And your hesitation told me all I need to know about you. I am glad I did not accept your apology.”

He doesn’t say anything, choosing to remain silent as he glances down at your slumbering vulptex with a slight tilt to his shiny helmet; you pray to the Maker that you’ve hurt his pride today, what with having to stop Paz from making him lose everything.

You wonder how he feels now that the outsider he had so vehemently denied having in the tribe was the one that had saved his place in the covert.

The rest of your journey is spent in a tense silence.

You perk up a little upon hearing loud giggles and little voices as the two of you approach a concealed entrance, though it is suddenly replaced with silence as you step inside the warmer alcove. Instantly, you are face to face with at least a dozen--probably more--little ones who are all staring up at you, most likely not used to seeing an adult without a helmet on their head, though some of them wear helmets themselves. You’re so focused and caught off guard by how many younglings reside in the covert that you’re not even aware of Paz emerging from another room that’s attached to the nursery, or the way the bounty hunter makes haste to leave before being spotted.

“Saviin’ika?” He sounds surprised as he utters the name that everyone at the covert seems to know you by, and your eyes widen when all the younglings instantly crowd around you, their little faces stretched with happy smiles as though you are no stranger to them. Some of them are showing you their little toys and stuffed animals, while others are babbling excited, incoherent words and...

Maker, what have you gotten yourself into?

You thought the bounty hunter was exaggerating when he spoke of how much Paz talks about you to the little ones, but as numerous grubby little hands reach up for you, you realize just how honest he was being.

You realize why Paz comes here to seek out comfort though, and you smile fondly when a little boy--no older than five--hugs your knee tightly and stares up at you with wonder and sadness shimmering brightly in his eyes. Some of them are more focused on the vulptex cub who had been startled awake amidst all the adorable chaos, but most of them throw random questions and comments at you faster than what you imagine a ship’s hyperspeed to be and you suddenly feel a little overwhelmed.

Paz must sense it because he steps in immediately and somehow manages to shoo away all the reluctant little ones, though the little boy remains attached to your leg and you can’t stop yourself from reaching down to gently stroke the back of his head in a comforting manner. The gesture earns you a shy smile from him, his wide eyes glimmering up at you and you think something must have previously caused him some sort of despair, what with the dried tear tracks on his flushed cheeks, so you find yourself crouching down to make him feel less small. After placing your disgruntled vulptex on the floor, who immediately finds enjoyment in the presence of one of the excited younglings, you hold a hand out for the little one to take and he instantly latches onto it with both of his.

Even though you’re still upset and hurt from Paz’s words and you’re certain he must still be irritated with you, the two of you don’t acknowledge it out of respect for the little one’s already intense emotions.

“Why are you so sad, little one?”

He simply stares at you and your chest aches when he doesn’t say anything, though Paz steps in once again and crouches down next to the two of you, carefully cupping the back of his head, “He is the tribe’s newest foundling.”

It takes you a second to understand, but when you do, Maker, it breaks your heart to think of a child so young and fragile losing everyone he loves and your eyes instantly burn with tears, though you force yourself not to let them fall.

“Well, everything is going to be okay--you want to know why?” You keep your voice steady for the little one who must feel so afraid and alone, but you give his hand a reassuring squeeze when he eagerly nods, “You are surrounded by the bravest, strongest warriors in the entire galaxy and they won’t let anything happen to you, because you are loved by them.”

Immediately, the boy launches himself towards you and wraps his tiny arms around your neck, and when you look up at Paz, his visor staring intently at your sad eyes, you finally let a tear fall for the little boy and all the other ones that are here because they weren’t born into the tribe; instantly, he wipes it away, most likely not wanting the little boy to see it and upset him even more. Gently, you comfort the boy until he pulls away and gives you a shy little smile and a nod when you ask him if he feels a little better, carefully wiping the fresh tears from his cheeks and the mucus from his nose with the sleeve of your sweater.

In the tiniest little voice, he speaks and you didn’t think it was possible for your chest to ache any worse, but his sad tone completely shatters you; you’re too focused on the boy that you don’t even notice the way Paz jolts upon hearing the distraught child speak.

“I miss my family.”

And you hate that you think of a ten year old you, just as heartbroken and lost in the world, so you fully sink to your knees and hold his tiny hands a little more firmly, wishing you had something more to give him than just your words.

“I know it hurts,” You murmur in a soothing voice, brushing his curls away from his forehead as he hiccups and you let him hug you again, your hand immediately coming up to cup the back of his head, “I lost the ones I considered to be family when I was around your age too, and I know all too well of what you are feeling right now. I promise the sadness won’t always hurt you this badly and you have so many strong people here that are going to help you feel better and take care of you, okay?” 

Then you think of Paz’s words from the other night when he had found you in such despair and in a deep state of despair 

“You are not alone or unloved.”

He pulls away and nods, and thinking the distraught child could use all the comfort in the galaxy you press a tender kiss to the top of his curls for good measure, immediately earning you a slightly bigger smile as he continues to fiercely rub his eyes and wipe his runny nose. Eventually, he reluctantly wanders away and you watch as he timidly sits in the corner, next to another shy girl that offers him a kind smile; warmth blooms deeply in your heart when he smiles back at her.

“Cyare, we should talk about what happened--the things I said to you and what I did.”

You look up, realizing that Paz is now standing tall above you and holding a hand out to help you up; reminding yourself why you had wanted to see him in the first place, you grab his hand and let him easily tug you to your feet. You let go of him as he cocks his helmet in the direction of the entrance, gesturing for you to follow him and as he silently walks you to a part of the covert you haven’t explored, your fears get the better of you as you think of all the happy moments you’re probably going to lose before really experiencing them.

“Am I going to have to leave the covert?”

He freezes instantly, turning to face you and he’s deathly silent for a few tense moments as he collects his thoughts, “W-What?”

“I disrespected you in front of your family when I yelled at you,” You remind him, confusion swirling around in your mind, though you still don’t think you regret what you said to him, “Do you not… want me here anymore? I understand if that is the case, but if you expect me to apologize, I am not sorry for what I did and said to you.”

His shoulders drop as he watches you nervously tuck a lock of hair behind your ear, trying your hardest to stand your ground, and your heart freezes over in your chest as he almost immediately drops to a knee right in front of you. His breathing pattern looks frantic, what with the way his cuirass is rising and falling so rapidly and he’s mumbling something to himself in his native tongue, but it’s too low to make out any of the syllables or the tone he speaks in.

Immediately, your anger and fears give way to worry as you realize you did not witness the whole fight and there’s a chance he could be injured, “Paz, are you hurt?!”

“Ni ceta, sweet nurse,” He traps one of your hands between both of his and peers up at your worried gaze, “I am not injured, but I am sorry for the way I yelled at you. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I--Maker, why do I keep fucking everything up and letting you get hurt? This isn’t… I’m not supposed to hurt you and make you cry and I--”

He sounds so frustrated with himself and you intervene when you realize how erratically he’s breathing, “Hey, just breathe a little slower, okay? Let’s just talk this out.”

“I’m sorry,” He listens to your advice and his incoherent ramblings give way to something clearer, “You didn’t deserve any of that and I understand that me being blinded by rage is no excuse for speaking like that to you in front of everyone.”

You blink owlishly at him, realizing this is the second time today you’ve had a Mandalorian apologize to you and you want to forgive him, but your brain is screaming at you to tell him how you really feel. Even though you have no problem baring your emotions to him, for some reason you find it more difficult to actually elaborate on how you’re feeling and you think it must be from being alone for so long.

If you truly want this to work out between you and him, you realize you have to work on speaking your thoughts, rather than letting them build up in your head.

“I didn’t like the way you yelled at me,” You inform him in a shaky whisper, ignoring your fears as you crouch down in front of him so you can be eye-level with his shiny visor, though you continue to keep your hand in his, “And I did not like the way it made me feel when you told me I was too soft for my own good because I already know this. I experienced it everyday of my life--people making fun of me or targeting me because they know I am not a warrior like you. I never listened to them though, because my mother would always tell me that there is immense strength in being soft and selfless and I must believe that, even if you and the others in the tribe don’t.”

“I don’t… I don’t know why I said that to you--why I said any of that to you. I didn’t mean it and I would never want you to change yourself for anyone, especially me. I love you for your soft, compassionate heart, cyare,” He pleads in a pained tone and you can tell he’s being sincere, so you nod for him to continue with his explanation.

“I was so mad--so fucking pissed off--when he told me how much he traded your life away for,” He shakes his helmet, perhaps in a weak attempt to shake away his anger and sadness, “I knew the only reason he took the job was because he thought you’d be a quick and easy target and that you wouldn’t even try to fight back against him or the Trandoshan. I wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible and when you stopped me… I was not thinking properly--I wasn’t thinking at all. I still hate him, but you were just trying to be rational and didn’t deserve any of what I said.”

Your lip trembles a little and he frantically shakes his helmet when you drop your head to gaze down at the leather fingers are desperately clutching yours, “You’ve never raised your voice at me like that. It... it caught me off guard and it made me angry that you wouldn’t really listen to me and--”

You feel yourself choke on your words, tears burning hot in your eyes and you absolutely loathe that he’s able to soak in every one of your emotions when you barely have the ability to understand what he’s feeling. One of his hands moves up to your forearm and you watch as he gently rubs the crook of your elbow with his thumb; you know it’s a feeble attempt to comfort you and it barely does anything as you try to process your conflicted emotions.

“Would you really strip someone of everyone and everything they love that easily?” You inquire desperately, your lips trembling as you stare at the chin of his visor and you hate that your voice cracks so horribly as you speak, “You almost took his helmet off, Paz.”

“I am sorry for the pain I caused you, cyare, but he almost took the only one I--” You tilt your head a little when you think you hear his filtered voice growing more crackly than usual and you shake your head when he grows quiet and more withdrawn.

You cannot let people continue to walk all over you and though you understand that is not Paz’s intention, you can tell he’s not expressing his emotions like you’ve been trying to and you find yourself sinking to your knees completely, staring up at him with an expression of sadness and curiosity.

“I am trying my hardest to tell you how much you hurt me, okay? You don’t get to hide your heart from me when I am giving you everything I am feeling for the first time in such a long, long amount of time,” You swallow the lump in your throat, nostrils flaring as you heave in a deep sigh and muster up as much courage as possible to continue this conversation without breaking, “What is going on in your head, Paz?”

He lowers his helmet until his forehead is just inches away from his thigh and you carefully grab the hollows of his blue cheeks, realizing there’s something he’s not telling you and he lets out a little groan, as though he thought he could get his way out of this.

“I... I have never loved anyone the way I love you, ner cyare,” he confesses in a quiet voice, “And my own brother tried to take you away from me--trade you in like you weren’t the most precious thing in my life. I do not know how to process my emotions right now. I am angry and hurt and sad that one of my own could do this to you.”

“Hey, I am here and I am alive,” Your remind him, urging his helmet up a little so he can look at you, “He didn’t know who I was, okay? He made a foolish mistake and yes, it did almost cost me my life, but I am here with you. Isn’t that all that matters?”

“I... yes,” He breathes, giving your hand a firm squeeze, “I know that words mean nothing to you, but I promise I will never embarrass you like that in front of the tribe ever again.

“I…” You remind yourself that you need to speak your concerns and fears out loud for him to understand how you’re feeling and breathe out a deep sigh, “I thought that perhaps you were embarrassed that I was speaking to you like that in front of your people, that was why I thought you were going to make me leave. I thought I had made you mad.”

“No, cyare, I could never--” He heaves a deep breath and you hear the defeat in his filtered baritone as he struggles to reassure you that he didn’t mean to hurt you, “I want you here with me for as long as you wish to stay, but I need you to know that I could never be ashamed of you, okay? If I wasn’t such a fucking idiot, I would have gotten down on my knees in front of the entire tribe and apologized to you as soon as I raised my voice at you.”

You raise your brows in surprise at his words, though you’re not sure why you’re shocked when he’s been respectful towards you from the moment he offered to walk you home and give you his blade. Briefly, a part of you wonders what your life would be like right now had he not felt the need to walk you home that night, though you think it best to not ponder such terrifying thoughts.

“I’m sure the others would have loved to see their heavy-infantry warrior on his knees asking for forgiveness.”

“They already gave me a hard time about me being an asshole as soon as you were gone,” He admits with a small groan, though the image of him being hounded by his tribe makes you smile a little, “I normally don’t let them, but I felt like I deserved it in that moment.”

You sigh, squeezing his hand so tightly that you fear you’ll break one of his fingers, though you think he must be unbreakable, “Everybody makes mistakes, that’s how we learn and grow.”

“Then I will learn from the mistake I have made today,” He drops his helmet in what you think is shame, though you remove your hand from between his to place it on the blue hollow of his cheek and you smile sadly when he looks at you, “I wish you could see my face so you know how sorry I am for hurting your feelings and making you feel lesser of yourself.”

“You wishing that I could see your face is enough proof of your sincerity, Paz,” You bring your other hand to cradle his scuffed up helmet, though you wish you could feel the warmth of his scruffy cheeks again, “I forgive you, but if you ever leave me alone in your bed to go try to kill one of your own again, I think I would throw you in the forge myself and not show you any mercy.”

“That’s my saviin’ika,” He huffs out a small, relieved chuckle as you slowly stand up and offer him a helping hand up, smiling when you hear him grunt as his knees crack a little as he stands to his full height, “I think Ima would not mind helping you with that; you may forgive me, but the kid can really hold a grudge.”

Though you’ve spent such a small amount of time with the tenacious teenager, you don’t doubt that she can be just as stubborn and fierce as any of the adults. You grow quiet and curious when Paz begins to tug you in the direction he had initially been leading you towards before you voiced your concerns. A soft sigh leaves you as you think of how you haven’t been awake for probably more than two hours, and you’ve already had a long, strange day, though not necessarily terrible now that you and Paz have made up and you won't have to leave.

“Your mother was wise when she said that being kind and soft makes you no less stronger than a warrior,” Paz abruptly speaks, gazing down at your surprised expression as he wraps his massive arm around your waist, all while continuing to guide you down the corridor, “I know what kind of reputation I have and even though I do not wish to harm people who don’t deserve it, I know people jump to conclusions and think the worst of me--of Mandalorians in general. Then there’s you, cyare.”

Your eyes widen as you stare up at him, waiting patiently for him to explain with a frantic heart that threatens to leap out of your chest.

“People see you and they immediately trust you because you look so sweet and kind,” Paz sighs, a dreamy noise that causes his modulator to crackle a little bit, “That little boy from earlier has been here for two weeks and hasn’t spoken a word or stopped crying, yet you got him to talk after five seconds and you even made him smile. That is true strength, being able to give someone hope and comfort, and I was a fool to say otherwise.”

“You are kind and compassionate too, Paz.”

“Only because you taught me how,” He shakes his helmet as you try to shake off the incredibly sweet words, “And I am still learning because I have not always been a good man and I’ve never felt shame for it until I met you--until I saw your smile and how you care for others so intensely, even though you’ve seen just as much pain and suffering that I have, if not more. I’ve never seen any of it faze you so badly until I found you at the infirmary when you went into shock the last night. I knew one more day spent in that hell would destroy you and I could not live with myself if I left you at the infirmary, all alone.”

Your face feels so intensely hot as you struggle to think of a proper reply--something just as beautiful as what your Mandalorian is currently telling you--though you find it hard to form a coherent response. You think of the quiet bounty hunter and how he had chosen you because you were an easy target to him, but then you think of the way you had clung to your will to survive and how even though taking a life is something that will haunt you forever, it had also led to you having a better life.

You’re here because Paz had deemed you worthy of being part of his family of warriors and because you had fought at the mere chance of a future filled with happy moments with the one you love.

You find it uplifting that though you had been the one to teach him how to be softer, he had given you the confidence to stand up for yourself and be stronger.

Though you don’t have the words to properly express yourself, you smile and murmur a small, ‘thank you, Paz’.

“Always thinking so hard about everything and never talking,” Paz muses, though it sounds like he might be smiling underneath that helmet, “One day I will find out what goes on in that pretty little head, sweetheart.”

“Well, I just figured you do enough talking for the both of us, ori kebiin,” You tease, grinning when you hear a sweet bark of a filtered laugh and you’re grateful that nothing has severely changed between you two after everything that happened with the bounty hunter.

“Remind me to keep you away from Ima so she won’t teach you any other nicknames that the tribe has for me,” Paz lets out a dramatic sigh that instantly amuses you, “Same with all the others. Anyone tries to teach you Mando’a, don’t listen to them, okay?”

“Would it be disrespectful for an outsider to learn the language?”

“No, it’s just--” He makes a funny noise from the back of his throat, something you’ve learned he does when you say something that makes him feel flustered, “Some of the guys are just… playful, and I would not put it past them to teach you something you would not normally intend to say.”

You must look confused because he immediately lets out with another groan, almost sounding like he’s struggling as he speaks in a hasty tone, “They would teach you how to say something dirty as a way of messing around with you. They may protect you as their little sister, but it also means they would pick on you like one as well.”

Your cheeks feel so intensely hot at the thought of being pranked in such a way and you’re suddenly very much aware of Paz’s arm around your waist as you two slowly stroll through the enclave, his fingers twitching just a few inches below your cauterized wound. Then you think of the way he had held you on top of him the previous night, all while letting you kiss him and you’re certain that your ears are burning from the inside out at the images that you allow your mind to conjure.

“I think I know how Djarin felt when I was holding his helmet up to the forge, cyare,” Paz drawls in a teasing manner, making you grow weak in the knees as he drops his helmet a little, “I can feel the heat from your cheeks and ears through all this Beskar.”

You give him an annoyed scowl, though it only seems to spur him on even more and you suddenly hate how easy it is for you to grow flustered when he makes these flirty little comments, “Maybe you should listen to what they teach you--I do not think I would mind hearing my language in that pretty mouth of yours.”

You chew viciously on your bottom lip and shake your head as you change the topic, deciding you’ve had enough torment for one day, “Where are you taking me, Paz?”

He simply grunts and you roll your eyes at the fact that your usually mouthy warrior has decided to grow quiet and you simply let him guide you to whatever destination he has in mind. Curiosity gets the better of you when you feel him tense up a little against your side, his spine straightening as he leads you even deeper underground and down another staircase and you’re in absolute awe of the size of the enclave. Even when you stumble a little, he keeps you grounded with his arm around your waist and you are simultaneously grateful for both his diligence to keep you from falling as well as the body heat from the cracks of his armor.

“I know this place is not what you’re used to and even though you are safe, I thought you might miss the sunlight and your pretty flowers, cyare,” Paz begins to ramble as he guides you down the dimly lit tunnel and your curiosity grows hundred fold when you are able to make out the nervous pitch of his filtered voice as he brings you towards a small entrance covered by black drapes, “I just… I thought you might like having a place to yourself because I know how quiet you are and how loud we can be sometimes. I just want you to feel as comfortable as possible.”

He curls his fingers into the heavy drapes and you tilt your head to the side when he pulls them to the side, urging you into the little alcove with a sharp nod of his helmet and you think he must feel nervous for you to see what’s in the room. You bow your head low as you duck into the small room, biting back a small giggle when you hear the loud clatter of a helmet meeting stone, followed by a few curse words that you’re used to hearing from him; his enclave is so big that he must have forgotten that a smaller alcove existed within it.

“It seems like you are the clumsy one now,” You giggle, turning back to face him as he readjusts his helmet a little, “You are not allowed to make fun of me anymore.”

He snorts a little, “That’s not how it works.”

As soon as you turn forward to take in your surroundings, whatever smart comment that nearly rolls off the tip of your tongue diminishes and your huge grin drops into a severe expression of shock.

The room is little, but adorned with several clay pots filled with your usual violets that you typically wear in your hair, as well as flowers from the hot springs he had taken you to months and vibrant flora you’ve never seen on Nevarro. 

“Ima helped me with most of it since I kept accidentally killing a bunch of your flowers.”

Immediately, tears fill your eyes when you realize all he’s done for you--collecting flowers and rehoming them in an environment where it is difficult for them to flourish, though there’s plenty of artificial lighting beating down on them, just as you had previously advised. You spot a large cup of water on the long desk that most of the plants reside on and wonder if he had come down here every single day just to water them and your heart feels like it’s about to burst from all the overwhelming emotions you are currently feeling. You step forward upon noticing the wooden cabinets above the desk and open them slowly, smiling warmly upon seeing the numerous glass jars and other tools that one would use to concoct salves and ointments.

“I know some of the flowers are dying and you could do a much better job, but I know how much they mean to you and I didn’t want you to lose this part of--” He stops rambling the second you turn to him with tear-filled eyes.

“You did all of this for me? Just so I would be more comfortable here?”

“I would not want you to be without your flowers, cyare,” His shoulders slump forward a little at the shock in your quiet voice and you watch with warmth in your cheeks as he slowly makes his way towards the long desk that houses all the beautiful flowers, “I know how much you cherish them and what they mean to you--how they remind you of a happier time that you are still far too hurt over to talk to me about. In a way, I suppose they are as precious to you as our helmets are to us.”

You watch as his leather-clad fingers carefully pluck one of those beautiful blue flowers that you had seen at the hot springs and your heart soars the moment he slowly makes his way back to you, all while staring at the beautiful, luminescent petals. Your feet feel glued to the floor as he reaches out to tuck the flower somewhere in your hair and your grin is so large that you feel it hurting your cheeks as he tucks the beautiful blue flower behind the shell of your warm ear.

Feeling the familiar tickle of a tiny stem grazing the shell of your ear, you smile up at him warmly and wish to tell him the words you are not able to conjure into a coherent statement. Instead, you stand up on the tips of your toes to press a sweet kiss into the fabric covering his neck before moving up to the hollow cheek of his helmet. You hear him grunt and groan as his hands carefully cup your waist to keep you close to him and you wonder if he’s imagining how your lips would feel against skin. Suddenly, you’re grateful that he had decided to leave his heavier equipment in his quarters, making it easier to reach up and kiss the thick, warm fabric that covers his shoulders.

“Gar ganar ner kar'ta ratiin, cyare.”

“What does that mean?”

He tilts his helmet downwards when you reluctantly pull away to gaze up at him.

“It is my promise to you.”

You grow warm as you think of what he could possibly be promising to you, though you decide not to ask as you explore all the little dents of his pauldron and helmet with a feathery light touch

“Then I will make the same promise to you as well.”

You’re slightly startled as you watch him manage to rip off his gloves that are tucked underneath his huge gauntlets before he’s cradling your cheeks and gently backing you up against the desk he’s deemed worthy of housing your precious flowers.

“Maker, you are so fucking so beautiful, I really don’t deserve you, do I? Always so kind to me and I--” He grunts and you smile softly upon hearing the adoration laced within his filtered voice as he carefully nudges his helmet against your bare forehead, "I want to kiss you so badly right now.”

"But your--"

"Close your eyes, please, close your eyes--"

Your breath hitches at the desperation in his filtered voice, "You trust me this much?"

He huffs as his thumb tenderly grazes your bottom lip, “I would trust you with a blaster to my chest, cyare.”

“I think your Beskar would hold up just fine.”

He snorts--a distorted sound that his modulator barely picks up--and as soon as your eyes slip shut, he rips his helmet off and has his lips pressed against yours in a kiss that is something more passionate than all the ones you shared the previous night. 

You jump a little upon the foreign feeling of his tongue grazing your bottom lip and curiously open your mouth for him to explore, earning a deep groan from him; your heart is beating wildly as he tenderly cups the back of your head to keep you close, his other arm slung across your lower back and you feel part of his helmet barely digging into your waist. 

A shiver rips through your body when he pulls away with a small gasp and immediately teases the underside of your jaw with his teeth and wet tongue, his helmet dropping to the floor with a loud clang that you two barely notice as a whimper leaves you at the pleasant sensation his lips bring you.

“Paz,” Your voice leaves your mouth in a way you’ve never heard from yourself, all breathy and more of a little whine as he gives you what you think is the only kind of mark he’d ever leave on your body.

“Everything you do just makes me--” He cuts himself off with a soft sigh as he skims his mouth along your jawline, ultimately ending up at your earlobe and you shudder again when he presses a tender kiss to the hot skin there, “Can’t believe you thought I’d make you leave the covert--you’re an angel, I’m sure of it.”

And you’ve never heard someone call you such a thing--an angel--but as he continues to mumble sweet praises and compliments against the column of your neck, you hear the sincerity in his raw voice and you feel his love deep in your soul. As your hands cup his scruffy jaw to guide him back to your lips, you wonder if there’s some sort of invisible wire that connects two people and their souls together and if you and Paz had somehow been connected as soon as he walked into the infirmary. You think of all the bad luck you’ve had in your life and how you’ve lost the only ones who have ever loved you, leaving you with a cruel father that felt no shame in beating you down countless times. 

But then you think of Paz.

You think of the man that had walked you home and had been so determined to show you that not everything on this planet was awful, and now, pressed up against the desk with his lips, teeth, and tongue all teasing at your skin, you grin a little.

You finally feel as though you have found your home within his heart.

The thought of soulmates and fate immediately disappears as he eventually pulls away and gently nudges your forehead with his, instantly making your heart bloom like a wildflower when you think of all the times he’s rested his Beskar helmet against your forehead. A tear trickles down your cheek, though you think it is a happy one as Paz lifts his head to kiss your forehead, letting out a deep sigh that fans across your already warm skin.

You’re surprised when you hear him clear his throat before he speaks, “I am glad you accepted my apology, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for raising my voice at you.”

You hear how his voice is thick with emotion and you realize this is something he is not going to let go any time soon; he drops his head against the curve of your neck as you speak, “Then let it serve as a reminder to never do it again, Paz. Like I said, everyone makes mistakes--it’s how we learn and grow--and if it happens again, it will only show me that you have not grown.”

“And what about him--Djarin--did he apologize when you were fixing him up, cyare?” Paz questions against your shoulder, his voice slightly muffled, “Because if he didn’t I can--”

“You Mandalorians,” You huff a small laugh, grinning a little when he squeezes you to him tighter, but making sure to remain mindful of crushing you against his armor, “Always so scornful, even towards your own kind. The bounty hunter did apologize to me and he seemed to genuinely regret what he did.”

“I understand that you do not wish to see him lose his place with the tribe or see him suffer, but I still don’t think he deserves your forgiveness,” Paz sighs again, moving to place tender little kisses against your shoulder and the side of your neck; he chuckles a little when you find yourself slowly tilting your head to the side.

“I accepted his apology but did not forgive him,” You inform Paz quietly, finding it harder and harder to keep your eyes shut for him, though you persist for the sake of his honor, “I could not because it would have made me a dishonest woman.”

You feel him smile against your jaw as he tends to the sensitive skin with plush lips, “And you are not a dishonest woman, ner cyare.”

You grin, remembering how you had spoken out against the bounty hunter earlier when you had been resetting his shoulder and a part of you is tempted to tell the Mandalorian, thinking that he would gain some sort of satisfaction just as you had. You think of the bounty hunter’s story of how Paz had protected him when he’d first come to the covert and your heart melts at the thought of a young blue warrior protecting a small foundling who must have been just as afraid as the little one you comforted earlier.

“No, I am not.”

Before he can say anything, a loud female voice from outside the alcove startles Paz nearly right out of his skin and you raise your brows as he hastily retrieves his helmet and gloves from the ground.

“Ori kebiin di’kut!” Ima’s voice is practically screaming at him and you grin when Paz gives you the okay to open your eyes; something about his exasperated sigh makes you think this isn’t the first time she’s done this to him, “Khai pushed  Vhan down the stairs again and could probably use some medical attention. Think you can manage to be away from your riduur for more than five minutes?”

You raise your brows as you follow him out of the alcove, coming face to face with Ima, who you’re certain must be smug as she cocks her helmet at the sight of you. She then reaches out to skim a finger along your jawline and your eyes widen at how tender the skin there feels, your cheeks instantly feeling like a raging wildfire that spreads to your ears; there must be a small mark he left there with his teeth.

“Looks like you two already made up,” Ima snorts, glancing up at Paz who is shaking his helmet at her, and you remember what he had told you about being picked on like a sister, though you think it makes you feel more like part of the tribe, “C’mon saviin’ika, you have a long day ahead of you.”

She grabs your hand and happily urges you to follow her, all while still teasing you.

As you leave a flustered Paz behind, you think Ima is the first person you’ve trusted completely since meeting your warrior and a fond smile stretches along your lips as she nosily asks you if he had gotten on his knee to apologize to you.

You had forgotten what it felt like to have a family, but perhaps with enough time, you can learn again.

Translations:

Vod’ika=Little brother/sister

Di’kut=Idiot, useless individual, waste of space (Lit: someone who forgets to put their pants on)

Mirdir be pehea gar kelir sirbur Ni ceta at kaysh=Think of how you will say sorry to her

Gar ganar ner kar'ta ratiin, cyare=You have my heart always, beloved

Saviin’ika=Little violet

Ner=Mine/My

Cyare=Beloved

Ori Kebiin=Big blue

Riduur=Partner, spouse, husband/wife

A/N: As always, thank you all so much for all the support and sweet words!! It makes me so happy that you guys are enjoying this story as much as I love writing it, because I really do always have such a lovely time writing these two soft lovebirds :) I love you all and adore hearing all your thoughts and ideas because they always inspire me so much!

I love you guys and please have a wonderful day! I hope you enjoy this chapter :)<3

Taglist: @parabatai-winchester​ @auty-ren @theocatkov @oloreaa @talesfromtheguild @blindedbyyourgrace17 @datmando @dartheldur @miscellaneous-mando @karpasia @ben-is-a-hoe @the-feckless-wonder @whatababeleia @maybege @aeryntheofficial @corrupt-fvcker @lackofhonor @phoenixhalliwell @crazy-kat-in-the-hat @roxypeanut @mandolovian @honestlystop @teaofpeach @macabrefaerie @acynicalcat @spaghetti-666 @readsalot73 @lanatheawesome @absurdthirst @anakinsittinginsand @yes-music-is-my-religion @tangledlove27 @justrunamok @peqchynero @haloangel391 @awhiskeywithwinchester @aliciaxglasgow @bonesaldente @kawaiitimecharm

[liliaeth]

Fix it’s for Teen Wolf

I can think of a few things that would have made Teen Wolf better.

1.  I wanted more focus on Scott’s emotional response to what happened to him.  I don’t mind that Scott isn’t the type who complains about getting hurt. The problem for me was that the show rarely dealt with the consequences of Scott’s pain, and thus to the casual viewer often made it look like he simply didn’t mind, that being hurt didn’t bother him at all. Or worse, that nothing all that bad had happened in the first place.

 Doing this undermined many of the hallucination scenes.  For example, in Season 2’s Party Guessed, we get hallucinations for Stiles, Jackson, and Allison which give us a view into psychology, letting us know their issues without spelling them out.  For Scott, we got Allison making out with kanima Jackson.   Compared to the others, it felt shallow and confusing.  The writers couldn’t even bother to give us dialog.  He received the same treatment in Season 5, when they read the book designed to trigger their memories about the Dread Doctors. Stiles gets yet another scene about his dead mother who has been crucial to his story since Season 1.  Lydia sees her grandmother and her connection to both Lydia’s powers and Eichen House, as well as foreshadowing her treatment at the hands of Valack.   Malia about her Mom and sister’s death at the hands of the Desert Wolf, which is her entire arc.  And Scott?  He gets a nightmare about a dog that was never mentioned before and would not be mentioned after.

 2. I wanted more focus on Scott’s trauma in general. In Season 1, Scott was repeatedly mentally and physically violated by Peter, terrorized and abused by Derek, and hunted by the Argents, and it was taken as a given.   Even the recaps at the beginning episodes in other seasons barely show any of that.  For example, Gerard attacking Scott in clear view at the hospital, stabbing him, and threatening his mother, never appeared in any of the recaps, even in episodes where it would have been important to remind the viewers about it.

While the show had no issue showing us over and over again how Stiles or Derek or Isaac or Allison or any white character really was hurt, they did not focus on the pain Scott was put through, and thus let the viewers conclude that those events didn’t matter.

The show literally had Scott try and kill himself, twice in less than two days, first in Frayed, by refusing to let himself heal, and then again in Motel California, yet neither of those suicide attempts are mentioned even once afterwards. And this while it would have been a good call back in s5b, when Scott is once again not letting himself heal after Theo killed him. and yet again, no mention whatsoever.

 3. I wanted more consequences for certain characters.   I liked that Scott and to a lesser extent Derek were confronted with the consequences of their actions. When they screwed up, they got called out on it. When they did something wrong, it wasn’t excused.  Then they made up for it.

In contrast, certain characters, especially Stiles, got to do whatever they wanted and it was either dismissed as funny or used to make them look sympathetic.  Stiles got to be mean and cruel, and the narrative still treated him as if he were the best friend ever.  He got to assault people, hurt them, and it was treated as if somehow he was the victim. 

For example, I would have liked Stiles a lot better, if when he tortured Scott with lacrosse balls, punishing him for who-knows-what, if someone else had called him out on it or if Scott had got to defend himself, instead of just taking it because Stiles was angry.  Scott allowing Stiles to hurt him to maintain their friendship was a pattern between them, just as much as Scott taking responsibility for things that aren’t his fault.  He keeps on doing it over the course of the show, but it would have been nice if the show at the very least had made it clear that that didn’t make Stiles behavior acceptable.

Just like I wish that Peter had actually faced consequences for his actions – and/or shown some kind of true remorse for his misdeeds--instead of the others just letting him hang around after all the horrible things he’d done or reduce it pettiness.

 4. I would have liked more time spent on Melissa and the McCall family in general, especially on Melissa’s initial reaction to Scott being a werewolf. In the show, they barely spent two minutes total on Melissa’s reaction to finding out her son has been turned into a werewolf.  By the end of s6b, she was barely even behaving like a mother anymore. Even to the point where we don’t even get a conversation between her and Chris about his attacks on her son before the two of them start dating.  Now don’t get me wrong, I liked Chris and Melissa in a relationship, but it was missed opportunity to humanize both her and Scott that they didn’t bother to show her finding out about that and her reaction to it.

Instead we got the whole horror reaction, of her being horrified at seeing her son’s other face, the reaction that any LGBT kid fears when they come out to their parent. Which could have been a great metaphor, especially if they had then made it clear that Scott was bisexual.

 5. I would have liked more focus on Boyd.   The production time spent on Isaac and Erica, while Boyd’s arc was treated as almost an afterthought. We barely even got any hint on his past, in the episode before they killed him off.    They started out with Boyd as the one who wanted to be like Scott, and then never explained it.  Why not focus more on that, and their relationship?

(similar complaints go about Mason, and how little we knew about Mason, outside of him being Liam’s friend. Like... what was his relationship like with his parents? What is Mason interested in, what does he want to do with his life... how did he deal with the after effects of the Beast...

 6. I would have liked more focus on Alan Deaton. The show had such huge potential with this character’s backstory, not just with the Hales but as an emissary in general.  There was this whole mythology about druids that they barely even delved into.

To not even start on how little we knew about his personal life? Why did he and his sister have different last names? What was their relationship like?

Does he have any romantic relationships? Friendships, relationships in general?

Or how about more time spent on his role as a father figure to Scott, we got so few crumbs of their relationship when we should have gotten so much more

 7. I would have liked more focus on Scott and Theo’s interaction in Season 6.   I get that in 6a, they had Scott primarily focused on getting Stiles back, but I’ll never understand why they then didn’t use 6b, to deal with the fact that Theo had tried to murder Scott and was trying to make it up to him and the pack for what he’d done to Scott and the others.

I don’t mind Theo interacting with Liam.  Those scenes were great, but they should have at least one scene with Scott and Theo dealing with the issues between them.  For Theo’s sake, as much as Scott’s.

 8. I would have liked a complete rework of Season 6A in its entirety.  If you’re going to focus a season on an actor who isn’t available, then you have to make it about his impact on the others. Show us what difference this character made, by showing us the effects of his absence, rather than just try and make it about a romantic ship. (I’ve written a post about this already in greater detail, so limiting it to that, but seriously, that season was such a huge wasted opportunity.)

 9.  Actual character growth for Stiles. For a character who had as much screentime as Stiles did, it’s shocking just how little character growth Stiles had over the course of the entire show. This contrasts in a really bad way, when you look at how much every single other character grew and changed over the course of the show.

Just look at the last four episodes of 5b, to give an example. After almost an entire season of watching Stiles at his worst, focusing on emotional scene after emotional scene with him, he suddenly got relegated to comic relief. Why? Because they didn’t want Stiles to grow, because unless he grew, there was no way for him to go but down. If Stiles had taken responsibility for his actions, then they’d have had to admit that he did wrong in the first place. And they couldn’t have that happen.

 10. And last but not least. More moments of the kids being kids. Even if it’s just proms and beach parties. Moments where we see the characters spend time together, when they aren’t trying to stop some bad guy. Where we can see them be friends, hang out with kids their own age. Even just to remind the audience just how young these children are. And where the viewers along with the characters can rest in between the horror, because doing so makes the horror hit far more strongly in contrast to the light.

 11. Also, a better lighting budget, pretty please Davies, were a few more light bulbs that much to ask for?

[orion-kenobi]

(warnings: abuse/assault mention, referenced drug addiction. Typical cm things.)

Thinking about Reid’s relationship with the team and wondering what could have possibly motivated him to distrust them as much as he did.

I don’t doubt that his childhood caused him to develop trust issues and have a hard time forming relationships with people. He had no one to confide in, with his father being emotionally abusive, then  leaving, and his mother’s mental illness. Most of the things we know about him in school involved him being taken advantage of in some way (i.e, the goalpost incident). He’s used to being betrayed: In s1e10 when Reid finds out Morgan told Hotch and Gideon about his nightmares, he says, “This is exactly what I get when I trust someone. It gets thrown back in my face.” Of course, being assaulted is way worse than someone’s boss knowing they’re struggling, but both situations build on Reid’s association of trust with betrayal.

It also seems that he can have a negative view of himself at times. In the episode when he is contemplating going on a date with Maeve he worries she’ll think he’s weird. I believe this plays a role in Reid’s relationship with his friends. A large part of his character is (unfortunately) dedicated to being a ‘comic relief’ of sorts due to his awkwardness, rambling, and other traits that annoy his team mates. A majority of their reactions are simply friendly teasing, but there are undeniably times when they are downright rude. We know he sometimes has difficulty picking up on jokes or sarcasm, so it could even be argued that from his perspective this teasing is genuine criticism of who he is. He’s been led to believe throughout his entire life that there’s something ‘wrong’ with who he is. It makes sense that he would not be quick to confide in people who continue to view him as strange or irritating.

His treatment by the team in other aspects definitely impacts his relationship with them. When Reid tells Prentiss about his headaches, he says he didn’t want anyone to know because they’d ‘treat him like a baby’. No one decides not to tell friends they’ve known for years about something as inconsequential as headaches for no good reason. This scene makes it very obvious that the way he’s treated is a huge contributing factor towards his lack of trust in them. He’s the youngest team member, not very physically strong, and portrayed as having some sort of youthful innocence. The implication here is that he’s treated differently because of his age. He’s repeatedly underestimated. A good amount of his resistance to trusting others comes down to his dislike of being perceived as different or incapable. Maybe he believes that in order to mitigate this, he has to handle things on his own?

Building on that point, he’s essentially had to handle everything he went through alone. One of the worst things Reid experienced—his drug addiction—was completely ignored by his teammates. They knew what was going on and did nothing about it.

 If his friends weren’t even willing to help him with that, why should he trust them to help with anything else?

[benaffleckofcrowdsurfing]

Star Treatment - 2

TBHC Alex Turner AU

description: an escort; a millionaire; a hotel that breaks the boundaries of technology, time, and space; a flashing red light; and a shit ton of cocaine.

word count: 4.6k

masterlist here

warnings: brief scene of assault

lmk if u wanna get added to the taglist 4 this story or 4 all my works :)

*****************

ok before we get into it, a quick author’s note: hello! long time no see! yes, it is I, returned from the dead. quick life update, I just graduated high school!!!!! which means I have a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and will have far more time to write and be active!!!!!! so expect more from me from now on. thank you for being patient. xoxoxo

back to your regularly scheduled programming

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PART 2 - THE BASE

“I know you saw him last night.”

Brielle could do nothing but stare down at her phone in fear. She knew that she was, in the simplest of terms, dead.

“I think we need to sort this out in person Princess. someone’s forgot their place.”

She threw her head back in frustration. “God, you’ve got to be kidding me.” 

“I swear I didn't plan on seeing him, Enzo.”

“I’m coming over.”

“I’m fucked. I am so, so fucked,” Brielle grunted. One of Enzo’s many favors to Brielle had been an apartment for her to stay in, one directly across the hall from his. This meant that at any given moment he could waltz into her living room, ready to tell her what to and what not to do.

And that’s exactly what he did in the following moments.

Before Brielle could even begin to compose herself, the front door swung open and footsteps thundered through the apartment. Within seconds Enzo stood in front of Brielle, his face red from anger.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

“You've got a death wish, don't you Miss Roux?”

Brielle’s lip began to tremble as Enzo slowly began to inch towards her. She shuffled back to prevent from being any closer to him until her back thudded against her dining table and Enzo placed his hands on either side of her to trap her in. They stared at each other in silence, Brielle shaking in fear and Enzo waiting for her to defend herself for a long while until she gulped loudly and spoke up.

“It was purely coincidence that I saw him.”

Enzo only narrowed his eyes and chuckled. “It was a coincidence that you got into his car?”

Brielle only stuttered for a moment.

“That's what I thought.”

Brielle had no idea what to say to Enzo, she knew he would punish her for this and she was terrified of making him angrier. However, her pride seemed to get the better of her and she refused to let him bully her over something that really shouldn't be any of his business. It took her a long moment to think of what to say, but when she did her eyes went dark and a Cheshire cat smile crept on her face. 

“You know, you really shouldn't be jealous.” 

Enzo’s eyes widened at Brielle’s snarky remark and he almost immediately shoved himself away from the table.

“You're fucking joking,” he muttered. He expected Brielle to react in fear, as she usually did, but this time she kept her head held high and her arms crossed in front of her.

“Because it's okay, Enzo, Alex and I are just friends. You can still obsess over me if you'd like to.” Brielle kept the smile on her face and chuckled to herself at the last part of her comment. Enzo’s face immediately contorted into a grimace, it was obvious he was livid. Brielle had never stood up for herself like she was, nor had she ever acknowledged Enzo’s obvious crush on her.

 He gritted his teeth and approached her once more. “Get out.”

Brielle shook her head and looked up at him, this time the fear apparent in her face.

“We’re through, Brielle. You've pissed me off one too many times. Leave the fucking apartment before I throw you out of it myself.” Enzo stooped down to Brielle’s eye level, his face was only inches for hers, and he spoke in a hushed tone. This, however, only scared Brielle more.

“Where am i supposed to go?” Brielle whispered. 

“Don't know, don't care,” Enzo sighed. He backed away from Brielle once more, ushering for her to leave. “Feel free to leave all of the shit I’ve provided you with over the years. I'll give all your dresses to whichever dumb slut takes your place.”

Brielle furrowed her brows. “Dumb slut? Who's a dumb slut? Because I know you're not talking about me…” She stepped away from the table and towards Enzo. “And I’m taking my fucking clothes, no matter how much you don't like me right now I have still worked day in and day out for you and every penny I’ve made has been well deserved. Those are not your clothes to take, they're mine.” She approached Enzo and put a finger on his chest, testing him a bit. “And I hope you do try and replace me. We both know you'll only be sorely disappointed.” 

Enzo looked down at Brielle in shock. “Did you just touch me? Did you just lay a finger on me?” 

The fear returned to Brielle’s eyes once more. “I- uh-” 

“Get out. If you don't leave this apartment right now I’m going to lose my shit.” 

Brielle's eyes shifted from the door to Enzo and back to the door again a few times before she crossed her arms in front of her and turned away from Enzo. “I’m getting my things and then I’ll leave.” 

Brielle was sure that Enzo wouldn't do anything, in her mind she thought there was nothing he could do, she was just going to shove her things into a suitcase and check herself into a motel room. But, before she could take even a few steps, Enzo grabbed her by the back of her shirt and pulled her back to him. 

“That's not what I told you to do though, is it?”

Brielle chuckled nervously and tried to push away from him. “You can't tell me what to do anymore, you just fired me.” 

This sent Enzo over the edge. He inhaled sharply and forcefully pushed Brielle off of him, she fell to the floor and before she had the chance to get up he pinned her down and hovered over her. Brielle stared up at him with wide eyes, terrified of what he would do. 

Enzo lowered his voice once again. “If you don't leave this apartment the moment I let you up, I’ll fucking kill you. If I ever see you again, I’ll fucking kill you. If I ever hear of you going to the police and ratting me or any of the guys out for anything, I’ll fucking kill you. You and I have bad blood now, do you understand?”

Brielle held back tears and nodded her head shakily. “I understand,” she choked.

Enzo muttered a few profanities at her under his breath. He then puckered his lips, looked down at Brielle with resentment, and spat directly in her face. “That's your warning.” 

When Enzo got off of Brielle she scrambled up off the floor and wiped off her face with her sleeve. She stood paralyzed in fear, completely unable to move her legs and leave the apartment, until he yelled at her to leave one final time and she darted out the front door. Fuck her clothes, fuck her wallet, fuck her things, she knew for a fact that if Enzo told someone he would cause them harm he meant it and the last thing she wanted was to end up on the headlines of the Los Angeles Times. 

Brielle didn't stop running until she was out of the complex completely, she had practically flown down the stairs and out the front lobby door. Once out and safely down the street, she collapsed onto the sidewalk.

She shivered uncontrollably and could not stop the tears from streaming down her face. She frantically rummaged through her jacket pockets for her carton of cigarettes and yelled out in frustration when she realized that she had left them sitting on her couch. Brielle did, however, find $20 in her phone case, and figured that it would be only right to spend her last few dollars on the one thing she really had regretted leaving. As she slowly made her way to the corner store, still shivering from the adrenaline of her fight with Enzo and the impending anxieties surrounding the idea of what she’d do now, her phone rang.

“H- hello?” Brielle stuttered. The number had been one that was not saved in her phone and she prayed that it wasn’t Enzo trying to scare her. 

“Oh, thank God it's actually you,” the voice on the other end sighed. Brielle’s face softened and her body relaxed slightly when she realized who it was, it could not have been further from Enzo.

“Al-alex, hey,” Brielle smiled. “How d-did you get m-m-my number?” 

“That's unimportant, where are you? Are you safe?” The voice on the other end asked. He sounded very concerned to Brielle and it made her wonder how he knew she was in trouble to begin with. But, before she could even ask, he answered her questions. “Enzo called me to tell me that you had to cancel. He sounded very strange and it would be very unlike you to cancel, so I knew something had to be up… and judging from the fact that you can't get out even a word without stuttering, I guess I was right.”

Brielle sniffled and let out a shaky sigh. “Enzo got angry with me and kicked me out. I'm not really quite sure what I’m going to do, as of right now I’m walking to the 7/11 to buy myself a pack of reds.” 

“The 7/11 down the street from your apartment complex?”

“Yeah. On the corner across from that Italian restaurant you like.” 

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay? Go inside the store and don't leave until I come get you. I promise you'll be safe.”

Brielle let out a long sigh of relief into the phone. “Okay. Thank you, Alex.”

The voice on the other end of the phone just paused for a moment and let out a small chuckle. “It's not a problem, Bri. I'm just glad you're alright.” 

Brielle muttered a quick goodbye to Alex as she walked through the threshold of the corner store, and when she hung up just gleamed down at her phone. She hadn’t the foggiest idea of what she would do now, she didn’t have many friends that she hadn’t met through Enzo and she really had never worked a real job, but at least in the meantime she knew that Alex was on his way. Oh, and she was going to get her cigarettes. That was very important. 

“Hey, can I get a pack of Marlboro reds?” Brielle walked up to the counter with as much conviction as she could muster. The last thing she needed was for the man working behind the counter to sense weakness or unsureness in her and ask for her ID, as it was still in the apartment. Fortunately for her, though, the man only nodded and began ringing her up.

The man asked her if the cigarettes would be all, to which Brielle thought for a moment before gasping, “Oh, and a lighter. The pink one.” She smiled at the man and gave him the bill in her phone case. 

Brielle made her way towards the door, but once she placed her hand on the cold metal handle the ghost of Alex’s voice replayed in her head. Don’t leave until I come get you.

Now, typically Brielle would have disregarded the instructions, she was just dying for a cigarette and she thought that no harm would come to her if she was just sitting on the sidewalk, but something about Alex… something about the way he spoke to her… made her want to listen. She slowly retracted her hand from the handle and turned back around to face the clerk. 

“Is...is it alright if i wait here for a moment? I’m waiting for a friend and I… I don't feel comfortable being alone on the street in this area.” 

The man nodded in compliance and Brielle bid him a quick thank you.

Brelle settled herself next to the door and scrolled through her Instagram for a moment while she waited for Alex, but she soon grew bored and decided she would wander the aisles instead. She did so for a good five minutes, got completely lost in her head while her eyes scanned the shelves of snacks and drinks, until she hit the wine fridge. 

Wine. Oh, how I’d love to be able to afford some wine right now. She thought to herself. It had been a long day, even if it was only twelve-thirty in the afternoon, and Brielle prided herself on being quite the wine snob. (It’s my French heritage! she often told people.) Brielle opened the fridge door, picked up a particularly expensive bottle of Cabernet, and lost herself reading the label. “Chateau Montelena. Napa Valley… 2015 Cabernet Sauvignon… hey, Mister clerk guy, this is a really good bottle of wine. I didn't know corner stores carried this shit!” Brielle didn't look up from the bottle as she continued to talk, completely ignoring all other sounds and movements around her. “This winery is world famous, it's like really good even compared to French wine. My mom, she used to go to this spa in the Napa valley and she’d take me when I was little, we’d go for tastings at this Chateau and it was really boujiee. Oh, I didn't taste the wine of course, I just tagged along so I could walk through the castle. It's absolutely beautiful. But now I love the stuff. It's got such an authentic taste, it really is comparable to some of the most prestigious wineries in Fra-” 

Brielle was cut off by the feeling of a hand on her back and she clenched the bottle for dear life. The figure behind her gasped when she jumped and chuckled a bit as she attempted to catch her breath. “I’m sorry Love, I didn't mean to scare you. Just didn't want to interrupt your story.” 

Brielle’s entire body relaxed once she realized who it was who had approached her, and she turned around to greet him, still holding onto the bottle. “Alex.” 

When their eyes met they both let out weak smiles, Brielle's eyes welled up with tears and Alex pulled her in and wrapped his arms around her. She sniffled into his chest, doing her best not to break down in the middle of the 7/11, but Alex’s comforting grip made her vulnerable and she couldn't stop herself. They stood there for a moment, Brielle buried as deep into him as she could be, and Alex just resting his head on the top of hers and muttering sweet affirmations to her. Brielle could have stood there forever, just engulfed in his arms… in his scent… but Alex soon broke the embrace and put his hands on her shoulders.

“Are you alright? Did he hurt you?” 

Brielle shook her head. Tears freely streamed down her face and she sniffled loudly.

Alex’s chocolate eyes softened and he beamed down at her. “Is the wine really as good as you say it is?”

Brielle nodded and hummed through her tears.

“Alright then, it's a good thing I brought my wallet. I think we could both use a glass of wine right now,” Alex winked at Brielle and gently took the bottle from her arms, which made her blush, before wrapping his own arm around her shoulders. He didn't move his arm from her as he paid for the wine, or as he opened the door for them, or as they approached the car. It was the same one that they had ridden in the night previous, and to Brielle’s silent delight Nick was waiting for them. 

“Miss Roux, we meet again,” he chirped. 

Brielle giggled as he opened the back door for the pair. “It's a pleasure to ride with you again, Mister O’Malley.” 

Once settled in the car, Alex’s arm found his previous spot around Brielle, and she leaned into him. Her tears had ceased but she still let out the occasional sniffle, to distract herself she began twiddling with the hem of Alex’s blazer (which Alex definitely did not mind.) Alex’s calloused hands soon found themselves in Brielle’s hair, he still continued to mumble words of solace into her and ask if she was alright, to which Brielle only let out soft hums of agreement and nodded her head. They stayed relatively quiet for the car ride, Brielle never thought to ask Alex where they were going or what they were doing, she was just happy that he had been there for her when she needed it. 

As the car ride became more drawn out and they left the more urban area of Los Angeles, Brielle drifted to sleep in Alex’s arms. He hadn’t noticed it at first, she had been quiet even when she was awake, it wasn’t until he felt her breathing become slow and heavy under him that he realized. A small smile crept onto his face and when Nick glanced back at them through the rear mirror he let out a small chuckle.

“Is this really what’s best for her, Al?” the driver sighed.

Alex narrowed his eyes and spoke through gritted teeth. “She has no other options. At least she’ll be safe from the outside world at the hotel.”

“Yeah, but what about what’s on the inside?”

“We just can never let her discover what’s on the inside.”

*************************

“Brielle. Brielle darling it’s time to get up… Bri…” Alex cooed. He did his best to wake her without scaring her, but the moment he gently peeled his arm from around her shoulders, she jolted up.

“Wh- oh, hey Alex,” she mumbled. “How long was I out?” 

Alex’s eyes crinkled as he looked down at her with delight. “Only about fifteen minutes,” He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, “You’re absolutely precious when you sleep.”

Brielle blushed and gazed dreamily into his eyes for a moment, still not quite completely conscious, but her facial expression changed to one of confusion when she looked past him and out the window. 

“Is that-”

“Welcome to the Tranquility Base, Brielle”

Brielle couldn't speak, she only looked up at the behemoth building in awe. She had driven past the property before, sure, but never had entered its elusive gates. Only the wealthiest of people stayed in the hotel, it put the Chateau Marmont to shame. It was a playground for the ridiculously rich and wealthy; only the most prestigious of politicians, A-list celebrities, billionaires, and world leaders stayed at the Tranquility Base. The casino, which was the only building on the property that actually touched the outside world, was nearly impossible to get access to, it was extremely popular. So popular, in fact, that it operated in a similar way to Los Angeles’s clubs, you needed a reservation or to be on ‘the list’ even to be let inside. If you weren't, have fun waiting in line outside for hours and hours.

 No one actually knew how big the property that the Tranquility Base resided on was, it was said that the original owners bought nearly eighteen square miles of land surrounding the hotel and no one, not even regulars at the hotel, knew what existed beyond the hotel and its few gardens. There were rumors that there was something the original owners were hiding out there in the surrounding desert landscape, perhaps something similar to area 51 (it would explain the overall eerie feeling one got when passing by the property), or some sort of giant illegal oil mine.

 It was also rumored that there was a series of tunnels underneath the property that connected to the hotel, almost like a series of catacombs, which the most elite of hotel stayers used to get around in an attempt to avoid paparazzi and the public eye. 

Now, Brielle thought that these sorts of rumors were bullshit, especially since she knew the owner of the hotel, but now that she was actually on the property, past the gates, about to enter the castle-like hotel, her mind raced. 

“I just- I thought we’d go to… you know… your house.” 

Alex only smiled softly at the still disoriented girl. “This is my house. Or, my house is here, at least. Not the whole hotel.” 

Brielle furrowed her brows. “Oh. Right. I guess I’d live here if I owned it too. It's absolutely gorgeous.”

“Have you ever been inside?”

“Well, not exactly,” Brielle mumbled sheepishly, “I’ve been inside the casino but don't remember much of it.”

Alex chuckled. “Wild night?”

“To say the least.”

“Usually is at the Tranquility Base. That's how I like it.”

“I get that vibe from the casino for sure. It's like stepping onto the Lunar Surface.” 

Alex paused at Brielle’s mention of the moon. “You know, that's exactly what I modeled the casino after. It's a place where technology and the unknown can form an almost perfect union.”

“You built the casino?”

“It was my first project after my uncle retired and I took over.”

“Well, you did a lovely job.”

 “Do you gamble any?” Alex slowly stepped out of the car and gently took Brielle’s hand to follow. 

“I don't like to let luck decide my life,” Brielle ventured. 

“Good girl,” Alex mumbled in response. 

This caused Brielle, whose hand was in Alex’s and was stepping out of the car, to direct all of her attention from where she was stepping to the sultry words leaving his lips. In return she stumbled a bit, tripped over her own two feet, and was only saved by the hand of a very smug looking Alexander. 

“Careful, Darling,” Alex cooed. 

A deep red hue crept onto the brunette’s cheeks. “Two left feet, sorry,” she muttered. 

Alex only laughed in return and snaked an arm around her waist. “Only teasing.” He then kissed the top of her head -- beckoning for her blush to return -- and gestured for them to continue on towards the hotel. “Off we go then, come along.”

**************

The hotel truly was a haven for everything grand. Upon entering, Brielle was immersed in a very specific frame of mind. The large foyer, which Alex explained that he had redone to ‘efficiently harmonize the classic atmosphere of the building with the more postmodern ambiance we here at the Tranquility Base strive to instill’, was… well… just that. A perfect harmonization between the Baroque inspired interior of the building and the neon dazzle of the 1980’s. 

The domed ceiling was spangled in intricate depictions of royalty, sacred events, and mythology. Stone sculptures of all sizes resided in all corners of the foyer, lit up by various colored neon lights at their bases. The front desk was decidedly an 80’s ode to the Art Deco era, it sported trapezoidal engravings on brass walls and a glass counter top, and was also overly saturated in various colors of neon lights. The man sat at the desk, who Alex introduced to Brielle as ‘the man running the show, the face of the Base, Monsieur Mark’, typed away on a suspiciously fast computer that looked fresh out of an 80’s sci fi movie and would occasionally answer a corded phone in the shape of a bat. 

As Alex guided Brielle through the main floor of the hotel, he showed her Roman statues, Baroque art, and Renaissance paintings that Brielle thought should be in a museum rather than a fluorescently lit hotel. He guided her through a cherry red dining room which Brielle claimed looked ‘straight out of the shining’; a day spa with a quite peculiar hot tub (“It’s not just bubbling in the water, there are bubbles rising up out of it! How does it do that, Alex? It looks like you threw a bucket of dry ice in it!”) and a lovely view of the hedge maze below; an extremely vaporwave-esque bar with the largest selection of liquor Brielle had ever seen; and once again Brielle found herself in the casino. She hadn't noticed its brilliance the first time around, the mosaic glass ceiling and the dim neon lights complimented the rows and rows of classic slot machines and card tables quite well.

 The juxtaposition between hotel and the casino was somehow huge and yet not at all noticeable, it seemed so seamless walking out of the castle and into the neon space age streamline moderne lounge that was the casino. 

Brielle’s eyes were consistently wide with wonder as she trailed behind Alex, all of her senses engulfed in the dazzle before her, and yet she also felt consistently… uneasy. The hotel was neither busy nor empty but there was a certain hollowness that followed her, the rooms seemed to swallow her whole as she entered them and spit her back out as she left. A very faint buzz bounced around her head, she assumed it must be from all of the neon lights and 1980’s technology but something about it still made her chest feel tight. The employees, all of which wore bright red uniforms and seemed to go about their tasks like robots, gave her strange stares as she walked by. Alex joked that they were just not used to seeing him with a girl on his side and that they would warm up once they got past the initial shock of having Brielle around, but Brielle still felt off. It seemed as though all of her troubles with the hotel had logical explanations, yet none of them calmed her anxieties. However, seeing as that she had nowhere else to go and was rather enjoying her time with Alex, she shoved them aside and carried on beside him.

“Are you ready to see your room?”

Brielle stopped in her tracks as they approached the glass elevator. “My room?”

“Well, not your room. It's my room. It's- Well- We’ll call it our room.” Alex hesitated for a moment. “That is, if you'll stay.” 

Brielle said nothing, only furrowed her brows and began chewing on her lip.

“If it makes you more comfortable I’ve got a rather large chaise that I’d be more than happy to sleep on, I'd get you your own room if I could but we plan on being overbooked these next couple of weeks, with spring holiday coming up and all,” Alex stressed.

Brielle gasped and shook her head frantically. “Oh! No, that's not what I’m thinking about, I'd be delighted to stay in your room, I just really hadn't thought about what was going to happen. I mean, I have no clothes, no job, nowhere to go. I just don't want to be in the way.”

The last part of her comment left her lips in a whisper, she seemed to shrivel up at the thought of being a bother and was reduced to nothing but a mouse in front of Alex and it melted his heart. Without hesitation he drew her in close to him and wrapped his arms around her. He felt warm around her, Brielle’s head rested perfectly against his chest and she could feel his slow, even heartbeat begin to pick up against her cheek. 

“I’ll take care of everything. Don't you worry about a thing. You can stay here for as long as you'd like, it's absolutely my pleasure. I’ll take care of you.” 

[captainautismo]

Here’s a hot take on a 20 year old game

I’ve been watching some stuff about Silent Hill 2 and I’m aware most of my mutuals are probably completely disinterested in this but fuck it it’s my goddamn blog and i can throw crap at the wall as much as I want

Huge spoilers and tw for sexual assault + death

Okay I’m shocked no one has discussed and I wanna see other people’s take on it. I do not like the twist, I feel like they could have done something far more interesting with the story. So hear me out. Unfounded guilt is JUST as strong as legitimate guilt. I think we all know that just because someone is telling you there’s no reason to feel a certain way, that doesn’t mean that feeling is just going to go away. Guilt, like a lot of other mental funks, has to, for the most part, be worked through by whoever’s feeling it. A good example of unfounded guilt is the guilt many people feel after a loved one with a terminal illness dies.

When that loved one finally passes, it’s horribly tragic, but it can also be a huge relief for those who had to take care of them. Not only do you know that their suffering is finally over, but, let’s face it, having to suddenly shoulder the burden of taking care of another person can feel like just that, a burden. Feeling that relief can itself lead to more feelings of guilt, because oh my god, how can I feel relieved that grandpa/my mom/my wife died? How can I feel like they were a burden?

Alright, so, hear me out again. Throughout the game, we can see James’s inner turmoil reflected through the enemies and Silent Hill itself. First, we see the Nurses and the Lying Figures. They’re enemies that are sexualized, but in a really gross, unnerving way - James seems like a decent guy(as far as we know at that point). He knows that his wife is probably not going to want sex when she’s fucking dying of a horrible illness. And because he’s a decent guy, he respects that and(as far as I know, anyway) remains faithful to his wife. But he’s still a regular old non-ace dude. His wife was sick for a while, and dead for longer, when he might’ve even still felt he had to stay faithful. He had a lot of sexual frustration that he was probably horribly ashamed of, which is why said sexualized enemies are also gross and unnerving. Feeling like he needed something from his wife that she couldn’t give almost certainly added to his guilt.

Second, Pyramid Head. Pyramid Head’s signature weapon is the Great Knife(or cleaver, I don’t remember exactly what its called). The Great Knife serves the same purpose as the Pyramid helm; it’s supposed to look uncomfortable to wield. He drags it around and swing it in these slow, big strikes. It’s clearly weighing him down, but he won’t let go of it. But he only uses the Great Knife for maybe the first half(?) of the game. He drops it after he kills Maria. The burden is lifted when she dies - again. Pyramid Head is a reflection of James and his darker feelings, so, from this and the endings, we can easily glean that, deep down, James really did feel like Mary was a burden to him when she was dying, when he had to take care of her. But just knowing that he ever felt that way, feeling like someone he should want to take care of was dragging him down, could easily make him feel horribly guilty.

These are both valid reasons why James would feel guilty. Are these reasons totally logical and well-founded? No, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how James feels, and he feels like that guilt is justified. James, in his head, had more than enough reason to feel guilty over the death of his wife.

But then, I guess that’s too complex a reason? Because then they just decided to make it nice and simple for the player. “Nope, he totally just murdered his wife, because clearly guilt always have to have a justified reason.”

But this comes directly after Angela’s ending. Angela’s guilt is also unfounded - she feels like it’s her fault that her father and her brother sexually assaulted her, even though it’s very, very clearly not. Hell, Angela’s guilt is so intense that she doesn’t even forgive herself at the end of the game.

So why did they do that with James? Why does James have to have a "logical” reason that he feels guilty? In fact, all the ending seems to do is distance James as a person. A lot of people go through that guilt of losing a loved one to terminal illness. A lot of people could connect with that story. I doubt a lot of people can connect with...killing their wife? Not to mention, it kind of just cements James as...kind of a piece of shit. Smothering someone takes a while. A few minutes, even, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it sure is when you’re making the decision to take someone’s life.

Generally, I feel like the twist was just because the writers felt like James needed his guilt to be “logical,” when that’s really not how guilt works for a lot of people, and exploring how unfounded guilt works and how James would have to reconcile with that would have been more interesting, in my opinion.

Okay, I got it outta my system