#asked and answered @_@

[myownwholewildworld]

Hey! Congrats, you just won the "best horny nasty orgasm-inducing peepaw Joel miller ficwriter"! Thank you for your service, comrade. You're one of our greatest leaders in this fandom 🥲

That being said, I'd like to take this opportunity to request some more Joel Miller filth with the depraved thought I just had: horse riding with Joel on patrol and reaching around his body to jerk him off while he tries to keep his shit together while you kiss his neck and whisper the dirtiest things to him. He can't resist his girl and her dirty mouth and ends up cumming all over her hands and his jeans (think these stains will be funny to explain to Tommy when he meets the two of you when you're just arriving back in Jackson, huh?)

well, being bestowed with such a title is the GREATEST HONOUR OF MY LIFE !!! 🥹 no, nonnie, thank you for your horny thots because HOLY FUCKING SHITTTTT… he would be hesitant at first cause he wants to do a good job when he's out on patrol, but when you start teasing him... he just can't resist you, your sinful hands wrapping around him... what if you eat his cum? what if you feed it to him too? 🫣

i felt demonic things down there asdfghjklñ please accept this gift, hope u enjoy it omfg <3

old man!joel miller collection masterlist

more old man!joel miller dirty fucking filth under the cut 👇

The day had been exhaustingly long—your butt hurt from so much riding, but regrettably not from cock riding, your favourite activity in this decrepit world. Only Joel knew how to keep your worries at bay, and many a times it implied you gushing all over him. You had spent the last five hours atop of Joel’s horse, sitting behind him and hugging his waist, your chin resting on his shoulder. Your back hurt like hell, muscles painfully taut and pulled. And the best way to unwind? Well, you had something in mind.

When you were out on patrol, Joel took his job very seriously, focused on the reconnaissance mission with exasperating diligence. Your advances on him had gone unnoticed by your old man, but you couldn’t blame him for wanting to do a proper job. It was part of his appeal.

However, now on your way back to Jackson, surely he wouldn’t mind. This thought had been nagging at the back of your mind for a while, your laced hands tentatively pressing against his lower tummy. Joel felt so tense under your touch, you knew the best remedy to get him to relax.

Chewing your bottom lip to hide a mischievous grin, you buried your face in the crook of his neck, leaving love bites while your hands slithered under his coat, your cold palms stroking his hairy trail. His skin was hot to the touch, so much you let go of a satisfied sigh.

“Your hands are so damn cold. I told you to wear gloves, darlin’” he tutted at you, eyes watching the path ahead.

“But I don’t like wearing gloves, babe. They get in the way,” you whispered, your mouth caressing the shell of his ear.

“In the way of what?” your poor old man asked innocently.

“Well…” you giggled. Why tell him when you could show him?

You shoved one hand down his worn jeans. Joel wasn’t wearing any boxers, making his cock easily accessible. The steamy warmth his bulge seeped was very much welcomed, your fingers curling around his limp dick.

“If I was wearing gloves, I wouldn’t be able to jerk you off right now, would I?” you teased him, your hand still around him, waiting.

Joel’s back stiffened, his breathing becoming shallower. If you had had one hand over his chest, you would have felt his heart racing at the prospect of your promise. Joel cleared his throat, mouth pressed into a thin line and squirmed a little on the saddle.

“Right now? While riding back home?” he questioned, and if you didn’t know him better, you might have though he sounded perplexed. “Can’t you wait twenty minutes? We’re so close.”

“Oh, you are about to be closer, gorgeous,” you pledged, peppering kisses on the sensitive skin of his neck. “I want to do this now, please.”

Joel huffed and puffed, but didn’t stop you when you gently squeezed his soft dick on your palm. He felt so velvety, warm and like putty under your touch. You enjoyed working him hard, see if you could get him to naturally get it up without the need for blue pills. Sometimes it worked, others didn’t—and you loved doing it either way. There was something powerful about holding him so intimately out in the open, your way to claim your territory. To tell others to back off, because he was yours—yours to love, to fuck.

“And I know you want this too. You like it when I take advantage of an old man like you, huh?” you whispered in his ear, nibbling at his earlobe and pulling it between your teeth.

Joel’s exasperation evolved into a gritted moan when you tugged at his hardening shaft, his jaw clenched in concentration, a palpitating tick near his chin. Considering how you always melted under his attention, seeing the roles reversed for once had you reeling for more.

Movement was restricted, so with your left hand you pulled down the pull tab of his jeans, giving you room to manoeuvre. Your free fingers stalked the zipper before diving in and scooping his heavy, loaded balls. Now his sacks and cock were spilling over the zipper, exposed to the elements and to your undivided attention.

You carefully massaged his balls, taking the weight off him while your right hand clutched around his gifted girth with adoration. Joel’s chocolate eyes fluttered shut, unconsciously leaning back against your chest, relaxing in your welcoming embrace.

“You’re tired, aren’tcha?” you crooned, tracing the bulging vein on his neck with the tip of your nose. “Your bones hurt, don’t they? You’re too old for long patrols now, baby. They leave you exhausted, tense. Should do something more attuned to your age.”

Joel didn’t speak, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

You smiled to yourself, licking the salt of his neck, and squeezed his balls harder. Soon your magic worked—a firing pulse went up his length, his cock now throbbing on your hand as it began to stiffen.

Success.

Feeling his erection grow thicker and harder, your lips returned to his ear.

“They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. But you? The way to yours is through your balls. You love when I hold them, massage them for you, just to get your muscles to slacken. You love it when I kiss them and put them in my mouth, don’t you, baby?”

“Fuck yeah,” Joel growled, voice raspy with need.

“Just imagine me with my mouth so full of your balls, how I’d look up at you all innocent and drooling all over your lap, so ready to take your cock,” you purred again, your cunt dampening just with the thought of eating his balls, of giving him head. “And you know my pussy would be so wet, I’d be soaking my panties just for you. Just like I am now.”

Joel’s breathing accelerated, his chest raising in quick succession as you jerked him off with an extra tight grip, your other hand playing with his balls. Completely surrendered to you, to your handling. He was fully erect now, his cock throbbing with a beautiful melody—you could feel his heart pumping blood to his shaft.

You lapped at his neck again, sinking your teeth before soothing the skin with a kiss, then sucked to leave a hickey. Picking up the pace, you squeezed him harsher, your fingers wrapped around his ball sacks, tracing the ridge in the middle with your thumb.

Looking down, you saw his cockhead flushed, angrily red and weeping for you. A shiny pearl of precum topped his tip, and before it slid down his length, you buttered it on his sensitive skin with your thumb.

“I don’t know what you’re doing to me, sweetheart. Fuck,” Joel mumbled. You could feel him getting close to release. “Are you wet? Bet your pussy is crying to be stuffed full, ain’t her?”

You laughed, soft and tempting, as you licked behind his ear.

“So, so wet,” you whispered, feeling the warm slick pooling in your slit, leaking and drenching your panties. “If I didn’t have my hands full right now, I would be fucking myself. But no one does it like you do. You make me come so easily, it’s actually embarrassing.”

“It’s ‘cause your sweet pussy is so damn sensitive, darlin’.”

Joel caught you off guard, reaching behind himself to shove a hand down the front of your trousers, rough palm pressing against your mound as his ring finger found the dampness your cunt harboured for him. He flicked your pulsing clit, and you mewled like a kitten in heat.

“You ain’t lying, fuck,” Joel growled, his cock beating faster on your palm.

Letting go of his balls, you wrapped your fingers around his wrist and forced him to take his hand out of your underwear. You tsked at him in reproach. “No touching, baby. We are focusing on you right now. Behave for me, please, or I’ll stop.”

Joel grunted but didn’t try again. Instead, he raised his hand to his mouth and licked your slick off his wet ring finger. He moaned, as if he had just tasted the gates of heaven, and just the sight alone of him doing such a thing had you leaking everywhere.

Your free hand returned to his testicles, masturbating him harder, faster now. Peeling his skin back, just to sheathe him again, your thumb stroking the weeping slit. Joel’s chest rumbled with a low baritone, his balls tensing into the base of his cock, and when he was about to spill, you stopped.

“Fuck, I’m behaving!” He gritted, frustrated.

“I know you are, I’m just making sure you got the message,” you giggled, kissing the nape of his neck. “Plus, I like edging you.”

You did that again two more times—increasing the rhythm of your hand, building up his orgasm as his balls grew heavier, full of his white seed, just to suddenly stop. And every time, Joel became more restless, sweat gathering on his prominent brows, ruggedly breathing and jaw so tightly shut you feared he might break a tooth.

“Please,” he begged huskily, walking the edge of his climax again.

You finally took pity on him. Keeping your fingers firmly curled around his thick girth and your palm squeezing his loaded balls, you jerked him off fast until the first white ropes flew everywhere. Joel groaned audibly, his knuckles white around the reins, as his seed landed on your hands, his jeans, the saddle.

And for a minute, he was the gift that kept on giving. You’d edged him so much, he had three rounds of cum ready to shoot. His lap was a complete mess, your knuckles covered in his seed, and you couldn’t resist the urge to raise your hand to your mouth and kitten-lick his cum off your skin until you were all clean.

“You’ve made such a mess, old man,” you tittered again, hand dropping to his lap to sweep the spent off his jeans and the saddle with your fingers before you shoved them down your mouth again. “Mhmm… So fucking delicious, but it tastes better when you feed it to me directly off your cock. Fresh from the source.”

“You love running your mouth, don’tcha?” Joel husked when he finally found his voice, regulating his breathing. “Filthy girl.”

“I learnt from the best.”

When you finished cleaning your hands, his jeans and the saddle, you noticed he had some drops of cum on the back of his right hand. You gathered it all on your index finger, you offered it to him with a naughty smile, to feed it to him yourself.

“Help me clean up,” you whispered, bringing his cum closer to his lips. “Don’t wanna do all the work myself, s’not fair.”

Joel hesitated for a second, but when his mouth hung open, you put your finger between his lips. His tongue swirled around your finger, eating his own cum.

Once he licked your digit clean and nipped teasingly at your fingertip, your hand dropped to his chest, feeling his racing heart even over his winter coat. Your pussy fluttered needily—something about Joel tasting his own spent had you hornier than ever.

You sighed heavily, feeling your heartbeat on your clit now, while you delicately pushed his half-hard cock and balls back into his jeans and zipped him up.

“You better pay me well after this,” you warned him, rocking your hips on the saddle so you could get some friction on your crying cunt. “I need to get fucked real bad right now.”

“Wait till we get home, young lady. I’mma rearrange your fucking guts, and that’s a promise I intend to keep,” there was no trace of joke nor doubt in his deep voice.

His oath had you gnawing at his shoulder. And luckily, five minutes later you were in the stables in Jackson, handing Joel’s horse to a boy and girl nearby to take care of it.

Tommy walked in, a tired expression and a dirty rug twisting on his hands.

“Any trouble out there?”

“No, none. It was actually quite peaceful and uneventful, right, Joel?” you ventured a soft smile in your old man’s direction.

Joel gave a stern nod, eyeing you like a predator, as if you were a little innocent lamb ready to be devoured by a hungry, wild wolf.

“What happened to your jeans?” Tommy asked, one eyebrow cocked.

“I spilled my water bottle when I opened it to drink, that’s all,” Joel quickly replied.

Tommy’s head tilted, then shrugged before he disappeared. You could bet he hadn’t bought Joel’s poor excuse.

“When I fucking catch ya,” Joel closed the distance between you two, his thumb pushing your chin up for a kiss.

“First you’ll have to catch me,” you went on your tiptoes to give him a quick peck, then turned around and ran home with Joel on your heels.

You were about to be punished for your daring, and you couldn’t wait for it to happen.

[reflectingiridescent]

I’m gonna be honest, you calling Sophie a modern day Scheherazade is the most accurate portrayal of her, it’s so good

Aww, thank you so much! I feel like I can't take too much credit for this because the OG series kind of seeds this idea to us in The Scheherazade Job, but that episode is also a very Sophie-lite episode and it focuses more on Scheherazade as related to Hardison (and the violin solo) than her.

But she has all of the ingredients there! Her greatest weapon is her mouth (which, when underestimated, turns out REALLY BADLY for whoever is underestimating her). So many of her marks fall in love with her. The literal love of her life comes to her through a con (or several), and she's so formidable when we meet her that it's a genuine surprise when it's revealed that she comes from a place of very little power in society. She was basically running her mouth because rent was due.

She is one of my favorite characters of all time, because as a storyteller myself and a lover of storytelling, Sophie is a person whose storytelling abilities are literally her superpower. They've saved lives. We're shown that in the past that they've ended lives. The art she's mastered is also her greatest weapon. Champion of the arts Sophie Devereaux.

[lara-cairncross]

Here me out: Genderfluid Amy

i'll one-up you: genderfluid sonic amy AND shadow, except they all share one set of pronouns. sonic and amy fight over who gets to use she/her on a regular basis. shadow keeps they/them under lock and key. on days when amy uses he/him shadow and sonic split she/they.

[somethingstrangeisherehehe]

I think we can consider this little interactive with colour palettes finished, and I wanted to summarise the results.

I enjoyed doing this so-called challenge, to be honest, it was like those computer dress-up games from my childhood☺️ I'm also very pleased that so many people responded to my post and participated😇🙏

I want to duplicate all the artwork because I want them all in one place.

I'd like to thank @skeletonspirt @inanelemon @maylalupa @scorpio-sarah @micoumbra @wideeyedlittlechild @scars-wife-31 💙

You're the best😘

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

So, something new 🤔 I'd love to see what you would do with sweet Marcus Pike. Maybe make him not so vanilla, spice him up a little?

My dear @copperhalfcent, thank you for the ask. Yes, let’s talk about our sweet Marcus Pike for a moment.

I had to think about this. I need to watch Marcus again. It’s been a minute. However, you have got my wheels turning.

What if after suffering the biggest heartbreak of his life, our sweet Marcus meets someone new, perhaps an informant on a case. He quickly becomes intrigued by her. She’s sexy and mysterious. There’s something different about her that he can’t exactly figure out. After a bit of a cat and mouse game full of sexual tension and teasing, he finds himself in bed with her. He soon learns about her spicier side and finds that he’s into it. She teaches him about a whole new world of kinks and BDSM that he embraces, even after she disappears from his life. It becomes his way of dealing with job stress but also allows him to explore his darker fantasies.

This lifestyle shapes him into a new version of himself, but he still has his sweet side. He becomes the perfect mixture of spicy and sweet, a pleasure king that can make you feel worshipped and loved one minute, then turn around and handcuff you to the bed before he pulls out the nipple clamps and riding crop and gets completely debauched, mixing pleasure with pain - making it hurt so good though orgasm after orgasm.

Yeah, that went off the rails fast. Is that the kind of spice you’re looking for? Share your thoughts. 😅

💜Mysty

[crooked-wasteland]

What were the financial signals you mentioned about spindlehorse?

Mostly tinkering with hypotheticals in the past to estimate the financial health of Spindlehorse remaining indie or not, and I didn't think it was going to remain profitable based on YouTube views and the state of the SharkRobot merch store and how many items were still available after seasonal sales as well as how long the merch had been listed for.

If there are preorders for certain merch and it is still for sale after the seasonal drop has ended, then there was a base amount of stock purchased and the presale was a "Just in case we sell all of our stock" which they didn't. And for cheap items like pins to be both limited presale and still for sale a year later, that's not looking all that good.

I basically said that Spindlehorse can expect to make just enough to pay for an episode of Helluva Boss based on views, but that the supplemental pay from merch sales were looking dismal, so it wasn't looking profitable and her best bet in the next year or so (it was 2024 at the time when Oops came out) was to sell the show.

[thistlerock]

Do you ever think about Ragh coming home after prom to his mother, whom we know loves him so dearly, and telling her that Dane hit him when he admitted he was in love.

Do you ever think about how angry Lydia was that someone would hurt her baby

How sad she was that her Ragh, who is such a sweet person by nature, was made into someone mean by Dane, because he loved him, and got punched for loving him

Do you ever think about how worried Lydia was when she heard that Gorgug kissed Ragh, sacred that maybe this would be just another heartbreak?

Do you ever think about Lydia meeting Gorgug, seeing the boy that made her son smile again, that is so loving and caring and only wants the best for his friends, who (maybe) isn't in love with her son but still wants Ragh to be happy

getting anon asks like this is like if someone did a drive-by on me but instead of shooting me they threw an envelope containing a beautiful sonnet at me, disappearing before I could catch a glimpse of them. sweet promises weaved into beautiful poetry, printed on pages of perfectly folded paper now resting in my lap. I read it over and over again and I feel like I could weep. of joy? of sorrow? I don't know. tangible proof of a great bard in my hands but no way to find them. no way to even search. will they return to grace me with more one day? or will I be left yearning, occasionally hearing soft whispers on the wind? I can only wonder. I can only think to myself, please, come back. Finish that thought coME BACK PL EASE WAIT you can't JUST L EAVE AFTER T HAT I NEED TO CRY AT YOUR DOORSTEP NOW ???? HOW WILL I CRY AT YOUR DOOR STEP IF I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

but ye a YEAH I think about them. A lot. I think Lydia didn't know much about Dayne while he was alive because 1) Ragh didn't exactly. Tell. (On SOME level he like. Knew? That he was being a bully and it was shit? And felt bad but that wasn't exactly at the forefront.) And she didn't want to pry? But also 2) this woman's health was. Declining. And she barely had time to keep up with Ragh's school and social life (which I think. Haunts her. That moment when disability doesn't only make you miss out on your life but also your loved ones. HAUNTING. Must be worse when it's your child and you on some level feel like you failed them. Ahaha. Who said that that's crazy.) but that just meant when it all came out she was like. What the fuck?? Oh my god?? PLUS. PLUS. RAGH WAS ACTIVELY BEING GROOMED INTO WEIRD CULT BULLSHIT. BY COACH DAYBREAK. HE WAS AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE??? APPARENTLY??? Lydia finding out about all of this ready to kill. Kill who? Idk man just kill. The WORST things were happening to her son and she had no idea!! Her baby :(

So when he was like. "Oh yeah but don't worry Gorgug grabbed me and kissed me after hitting me really hard and that got me to get my shit together!" I'm SURE she had her concerns. I'm sure she's wary at first. It must be weird, idk. But then Gorgug is the sweetest kid in all of Spyre!! And it's just. Oh. Maybe he's found something good? He deserves to have found something good. </3

[thewintersoldierdisaster]

can we get a headcanon of reader and andrei when they first got together?

okay so picture cute little babies because reader and andrei are 20 and 21 when they first meet! 🥹

you meet in a bar, some thoughts are here and the early days of your relationship are kind of stressful and chaotic

after seeing andrei three times in three days, he immediately leaves for a week and a half long road trip of games

you left things kind of vague - you exchanged numbers and made out twice, but there was no real discussion about when you would see each other again

so you try not to stress when a couple of days go by without hearing from him and you’re certainly not going to be the one to text him first and like distract him

at this point you don’t know what his superstitions are like and you don’t want to disrupt his routine and be hated like jessica simpson was when she was dating tony romo

you’re busy with school too, so it’s easy to kind of distract yourself, but your best friends have definitely heard all about andrei and how much you like him already and why isn’t he texting dammit?

one night - and you’re not proud of it - you search him on social media, checking twitter and his tagged pics on instagram. just to see if he’s been spotted anywhere

it backfires because of course he’s been spotted out and about in the cities that they’re playing

and of course there are pretty girls taking pictures with him every where he goes

and of course he’s smiling in the pictures because why wouldn’t he be? he’s 21 and a professional hockey player, he’s probably sleeping with half a dozen girls in downtown raleigh alone

you’re spiralling over this man that you’ve only known for three days in a way only twenty year olds can spiral and your best friends take your phone, banning you from social media for the time being

by the time andrei’s road trip is over and the canes are back home, you’re managed to calm yourself down about the whole thing

and then he texts you

it’s fucking adorable - half a dozen random emojis (which you’ll come to learn is his signature, he just gets really excited when he’s texting and his thumbs are maybe a little too big for the screen) and a message that says “sorry i went mia i’m going to keep doing it but can i take you to dinner to make up for if?”

and fuck if you aren’t charmed by the message - must be because you read it in his accent

he takes you out for dinner two night later and you click instantly

your relationship isn’t always easy and the early days are full of highs and lows as you adjust to him being away for chunks of time and not being totally present when he’s focusing on hockey, but you wouldn’t trade any of it because andrei’s the best thing to happen to you

[sacredleylinestar]

Crazy Turks Offical Video şu çılgın Türkler ↖️♥️

[sanitymakesposts]

So what are your thoughts on the encroaching darkness

lets give it up! lets give it up for the encroaching darkness!

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

hi, i wanted to ask what you think about those japanese zoo's training exercises were someone dresses up as an animal and pretends to have escaped and all that, are they effective? what do U.S zoo's do to train for things like that?

They look silly, but they're a real emergency drill! They force people to think through how they'd problem-solve in real time and in the physical space, which is a very different experience than just thinking about it.

There's no consistent requirement for emergency drills in the US federal regulations for zoos, but there is a contingency planning one. Facilities licensed by the USDA have to identify and create plans for addressing likely emergencies they may have to deal with, which is everything from like natural disasters to animal escapes. That's all done as paperwork and provided to the government to prove they've done it.

BUT. That doesn't mean that zoos and other animal facilities don't do more planning on their own. Some of the third-party accreditations (it might be all of them but I don't have the docs in front of me to confirm) require regular drills for all types of emergency scenarios.

Now there's a slight problem there - a real escape drill, run fully on grounds with real people and stand-in animal, interferes with the daily operations of the zoo. You might not have to physically shut all the guests into buildings during a practice leopard escape, but you do need them to not get in the way, and you don't want to scare people who think a drill is real, etc. So there's an alternate option.

US zoos frequently run emergency management drills as TTRGPs!

Like, they use a printed scale map of the zoo and roll dice to randomize the situation. This is absolutely recommended as a strategy by the Zoo and Aquariums All Hazard Partnership: there's a whole webpage about it, including instructions for the Drill Master.

There are in-person drills, of course, because you have to practice dealing with these problems in meatspace. But a lot of them are done tabletop! I cannot express the extent of my mirth when I first encountered this in the wild at a conference about a decade ago, when the idea was really taking off. It was Very Serious Zoo People on a Very Serious Topic about preventing Really Bad Things from happening... and then suddenly there was a d20 on the screen.

[nonasuch]

Please tell us about your beef with fringed black minidresses

They’re not even 20s through a Hollywood filter. They’re Hollywood 20s put through several more filters of ahistorical bullshit and sweatshop-labor fast fashion, and I hate them.

Like, let’s compare the kind of dress I get asked for with the closest actual 20s dress I could find an image of.

Things in common: black. some beads? I guess?

Now here is a selection of actual 20s evening dresses that are much more representative of the era:

No one ever asks me for anything that looks like this. Not that it would help if they did, because surviving original 20s garments tend to be both tiny and fragile, when they’re in wearable condition at all.

So I usually end up helping them find a 60s drop waist black dress and calling it good enough. It’s very frustrating.

[lara-cairncross]

TAKE THEM OUT OF THE GROUPS PARTICIPANTS IF THEY DONT RESPOND. Do it for yall's grade.

You could even be petty and show the proof inside the presentation or at least show the teacher you did try to reach out but they didn't answer.

Sorry, its just so annoying, it has happened to me a lot in college.

if they dont respond to the email i sent out this morning by like 5 tonight then im emailing the professor to drop them im over this shit 😭😭 i hate group presentations SO. MUCH.

[iwamimimimi]

Atsushi have you booped anyone with your "cat" paws?

[msfantasy-anime]

That’s MY Husband!

Luffy x Wife!Reader

Request: Boa finds out Luffy is married

A/n: Yo i for real struggled with a concept for this… i actually don’t like it but i just want to complete the request

Part XI

“Hello, we want to register our marriage~” You say, beaming at the clerk who is looking between you and Luffy with weariness.

“You want… a marriage certificate?” The clerk asks, unsure if he heard you right.

“Yep.” Luffy pops, becoming antsy with anticipation.

“You want… to be married … to him?” The clerk asks you pointedly, making sure he understands the situation. “Or is this marriage certificate for another gentleman?” The clerk looks down at Luffy’s outfit which looks like it was looked like it was grungy old clothes yanked off the floor (it was) and dirty from a day gallivanting about the city. Whilst you? You were in a nice clean outfit which look brand new from the store and that’s not even taking into consideration of your styled hair, manicured nails and pretty makeup.

There had to be a mistake.

What kind of groom doesn’t even have the decency to put on nicer shoes?

“Huh? Who else would it be for?!” Luffy bellows making the clerk flinch.

“A-are you a pirate?” The clerk asks hesitantly placing his hand underneath the counter, feeling for the panic button.

“Sure am! I’m gonna be king of the pirates!” Luffy bellows once again making the clerk shake fearfully in his place as he continues to feel around for the button.

“Y-your trying to force this young lady to marry you. Aren’t you?” He asks, more so accusing than anything.

Your hand slams down onto the counter, haki emanating off of you. “No one’s forcing anything. Now I’d get your damn hand away from the panic button.” You say with seething frustration leaking from your taut mouth. “You’re ruining the moment for us.” You hissed threateningly, making the clerk relent in fear.

“Y-yes ma’am! R-right away ma’am!” The clerk scrambles away in search of the marriage certificates only to come zooming back around the corner with the certificate in hand, having both you and Luffy sign the documents.

As soon as Luffy drops his pen, he turns to you and plants a kiss right onto your lips, unlike all those years ago when you first got married, you actually returned it this time.

Your lips collide into each other making your nerves fizz and buzz at the sensation of Luffy’s own mouth pressing so tantalisingly against your own. But just as soon as it started, it ended with Luffy pulling away with a huge grin slapped across his face until it quickly fades in terror at the sound of the towns clock chiming to indicate the new hour.

“CRAP! Nami told me to be back by the bell! Let’s go!” Luffy yelps, dragging you along in a dazed state back to the ship.

It felt like you teleported to the ship.

One moment you were being dragged out of city hall and the next moment you were both standing aboard.

You were expecting to be hearing an ear full from Nami at your tardiness, only she’s currently distracted with the pirate empress, Boa Hancock… who just so happens to be aboard.

It only took a mere moment of your presence for Boa to snap her head up, her eyes dragging across you and quickly darting away to stare at Luffy.

You’re curious as to why she’s here, and you don’t miss the glossy, heart eyes she’s throwing at your clueless husband.

Now imagine the horror of watching a pirate, known as the most beautiful woman in the world, call out your husbands name, pulling him into an embrace and puckering her lips as she is about to press her own mouth to his. A place that’s meant to be strictly for your own, and a place you kissed just moments before.

The swift shock of dismay that ran through your system caused you to stand stock still, unmoving, unblinking and not breathing. You were so caught off guard by the action, you weren’t sure if you want to cry, scream, yell or become violent at this woman’s non-consensual advances on your husband.

It felt like you were under a spell, unable to do anything but watch on as your blood runs cold.

Sanji places his a firm hand on your shoulder, as if pulling you out of your internal hysterics with his calm demeanour and reassuring grip, but your shaken nerves and furrow brows wordlessly explain your intentions of escalating.

Taking a long drag of his cigarette Sanji begins to provide you advice. “Give the captain a minute. There’s a certain grace Boa has earnt, after all- without Boa’s help, Luffy would be dead, and so would Ace.”

You turn your attention back to Luffy, who is currently craining his neck away. His hands planted around her wrists as he holds them back.

“Hey! Back off - I have a wife!” Luffy reprimanded Boa. Her affectionate gaze seems to shatter at Luffy’s careless words. Her struggle to grab him seems to fumble, her arms turning more limp.

Boa’s bottom lip begins to wobble in honest heartache.

It’s funny. One moment you were wanting to punch her lights out, the next you felt bad for the girl who was obviously head over heels for your husband… and understandably so.

But now… now it’s just sad as you watch the most beautiful woman in the world go limp, falling to the ground on her ass as she begins to wail at Luffy’s news. Watching the pirate princess cry fat blobs of tears is far from entertaining.

“I-I-I thought-t-t the r-r-report was WRONG!” Boa stutturs and and sobs all whilst she bites her bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

Pinching the bridge of your nose, you side eye your clueless husband who only seems to cringe away at Boa’s loud crying.

Gently, you approach the pirate princess grabbing her hand and returning it with a reassuring squeeze. “Unrequited love is unfathomably painful.” You say, providing a small smile.

Nothing could’ve prepared you for what came next.

Your simple words cause Boa to release the loudest wail yet, throwing herself at you, crying into your chest.

“I-I-I-I thought if I w-was just p-patient- that he-he would eventually l-like me b-back!” She wails once again. You just continue stroking her head, unsure what to do other than to provide comforts to the heartbroken girl.

Oh boy… this isn’t how you thought your wedding day would go…