#at this point there is 0 reason to call him weird rick

[ultimaterickshowdown]

ULTIMATE SMASHABLE RICK: ROUND 5

RICKBOT VS RICK PRIME

[maikbeingacrminal]

H!gh and fly

one day freddy gaybear fcked ur (non-existing)dad who got preggo cuz fanfic logic. anyway you were born, such a dumbass, am i right? well anyway, u turned out to be gay, or just any mf from the lgbtq+ community, also u like comitting arson. so on, u fall inlove with William Afton and get trauma, haha L bozo, moving on. u got trauma and read weird fanfics like these. how tf did u even get to this point??? anyway freddy gaybear and ur (non-existing)dad are happily married(not happy w/ u tho), u have any sibling(u can choose gender this is a fanfiic after all) who is annoying as fck so u murder them and bury them in ur backyard(writer doesnt have one, never had one so he doesnt know what thats like but slay ig) and move on with ur life, ur parents are devestaded that ur sibling is gone so they kill u too, L bozo rip. they have some more kids that are more mentally stable than u are. freddy gaybear and ur (non-existing)dad had more children, 3 to be exact, piter, gaylord and james charles. peter griffin is a friend of gaylord, who has a crush on peter griffin, but peter griffin has a crush on james charles, BUT james charles has a crush on boss baby. years pass on(2 yrs), and james charles was making out with boss baby, having the time of their lives, nothing could go wrong, right? right???peter griffin saw them kissing, it made him mad, real mad, so he planned a murder on boss baby, he succeded with his plan, but james charles was so sad his lover was gone he drived into insanity and ended up in prison for mulitple crimes. peter griffin was sad, but he still had gaylord, who he had fallen inlove with overtime, they confessed their love to eachother and started dating, eventually getting married after some years, during their dino themed wedding ur (non-existing)dad had a heart attack and freddy gaybear died of a broken heart. the wedding countinued and they lived happily ever after.years pass, gaylord and peter had a baby grill called Remi, who was a wonderful kid, thats all. anyway, that all changed until remi discovered TWITTER. finding nsfw art of fnaf characters, such as freddy gaybear! and most importantly, ELON MUSK. traumatized and disgusted remi told puss's parents(remi has puss/pussy/puss-self pronouns, btw neo pronouns honestly suck ass, i hate having used one before, never again, 0/10) who took away puss's phone, puss didnt like that and called puss parents spagehti-eaters(thats a slur against italiens, pls dont say it to people, most importantly italiens), freddy gaybear is actually italien(he isnt hes probably from Utah or britian) and cried, gaylord comforted him and put remi under house arrest for a few days. later on remi went to school and everything was fine, until someone confessed their love to remi, the person who confessed their love was PLUMBER MARIO himself, but remi couldnt accept his feelings, MARIO was sad but he understood, they soon became close besties, bendy, a new student in their school, in their class, bendy suddenly fell inlove with MARIO on first sight. right away confessing his love to MARIO, who accepted those feelings bc he needed to get over remi, who all this time didnt accept those feelings bc puss was aroace and was happy that MARIO was able to get over puss, but no one knew the plot twist that was about to happen. BENDY WAS ACTUALLY RICK ASTLEY: who was also a undercover cop. when MARIO found out he was so turned on by that he exploded into thin air. rick astley didnt mind, he stopped loving MARIO anyway. remi was flabbergasted, like wtf??? remi moved soon to germany with puss's parents, who met baldi, whos remis new math teacher, remi is homeschooled now bc the writer cant be bothered to write shit in german)baldi was acually super nice and he also had a kid named morty, he also was married to rick Sanchez(poor morty btw, i hate king jellybean mf he needs to be tortured(reason is in S1 EP5) remi was happy for baldi and was happy too about how cool baldi was. thats it for now. happy end for remi :) maik the criminal#7808 on discord, hmu i got a server hehe haha *thumbs up*

[danurso]

That's pretty D.U.M.B

Part 0 - Part 1 - Part 2

After the explosion occurred, the room was filled with a light blue mist.

Ruby: *cough* *cough* what was that!?

Yang: i can't see anything! Can someone open *cough* *cough* the window!? 

Pyrrha: found it! *open window allowing the smoke to leave the classroom.

Jaune: what the hell was that?

Oobleck: no idea mr.arc *looking around the room, which is still intact, just filled with smoke* but apparently the explosion didn't damaged anything.

Weiss: *gets up, massaging her head* oww, tell that to my head. I said this was stupid, and apparently it didn't give any results.

Jaune: what the hell are you already whining about princess?

RWBY/Pyrrha: *freezes*

Ruby: jaune?

Jaune: *leaving the smoke, with a different armor on and a scar on his left eye* what do you want now reddish? I'm not in the mood to- *freezes and looks at weiss, walking her way and holding her face*

Weiss: *blushes* w-what are you-

Jaune: *with a shocked expression* what happened to your eye? What is this scar?

Weiss: *breaks free* what? Shouldn't we be asking you this? besides, don't ever touch me without my permission again!

Jaune: *confused* . . .what bite your rich ass today princess? *looks back at oobleck with a scowl* was it you with your crazy inventions again?

Oobleck: *confused* mr.arc? Is this really you?

Jaune: and who else could i be? Did you broke your glasses or all that coffee finally fucked up your brain?

Ruby: jaune. . .what happened to you?

Jaune: the hell are you talking about reddi-

Jaune: *normal jaune, leaving the smoke massaging his head* oww, was that thing supposed to throw me away like that?

Weiss: *leaving the smoke too, this weiss however doesn't have a scar and her ponytail isn't to the side like usual* *whining* oww, my head hurts.

RWBY/Pyrrha: *speechless*

Oobleck: IT WORKED!!!

Jaune: what work- *stops, staring at the other version of himself and to weiss before looking at the weiss on his side* w-wait, what? Why is there other me here!?

Alternative Weiss: *looking between the jaunes* *gasp* jaune! There's two of you!

(A)Jaune: *with crossed arms* don't tell me princess, i'm not fucking blind.

(A)Weiss: *taking a closer look at jaune, with a large smile and stars in her eyes* he's just like you! Just scraggly and without the scar!

(A)Jaune: i can see that.

(A)Weiss: *bolts to her normal version* look! This me has a scar just like yours! I look kinda cool with it.

(A)Jaune: two princesses, this probably the worst day of my life.

(A)Weiss: or the best one, imagine having two me's around.

(A)Jaune: *deadpans* it would be twice as annoying.

(A)Weiss: yeah, but you would get twice the affection. *gives him a sweet smile*

(A)Jaune: . . . *looks away with a pink on his cheeks* shut up, will you?

(A)Weiss: *grinning happily*

Yang: . . .okay, that's kinda disturbing. Why is that ice queen so nice and that vomit boy so mean?

Oobleck: it's simple miss xiao long, these versions of mister arc and miss schnee are from a world different from ours, and if you think about the infinite possibilities of the multiverse, there are probably many other versions of them besides those.

Jaune: w-wait, so he's me from another universe?

Oobleck: Precisely! The D.U.M.B worked perfectly! And thanks to it we can meet these alternative versions of you two.

(A)Jaune: what the hell are you talking about? And what is going on?

Oobleck: *ahem* i'm sorry for disturbing you two with this experiment, but this place is a dimension different from your original one.

(A)Jaune: . . .*raises eyebrow* did someone put vodka on your coffee or have you always been crazy like that?

Oobleck: i can assure you mister arc that i'm very sober and sane. *points at D.U.M.B* you see this device here? It's a dimensional and universal magical bridge, but you can call it D.U.M.B to shorten.

(A)Weiss: *snort* dumb.

(A)Jaune: *rolls his eyes* it had to be.

Oobleck: this is the device that allowed us to bring you two to our universe.

(A)Jaune: so let me get this straight, you used this weird machine to bring us here, a world different from ours.

(A)Weiss: that's so cool! it's just like that show rick and morty!

Weiss: what?

(A)Weiss: you don't have rick and morty here?

Ruby: we do! And it's such a cool show!

(A)Weiss: i know! It's one of my favorites!

(A)Weiss/Ruby: *start blabbering*

Weiss: this is. . .very disturbing.

Yang: i don't know, i kinda like nice weiss, she's just like you but probably doesn't have a log stuck up on her ass.

Weiss: who are you calling stuck up you idiot!?

(A)Jaune: i don't know which one is worse, the one who keeps shrieking all the time or the one who has way too much energy. *sighs, looking back to oobleck* when are we going back to our world?

Oobleck: you'll be back in a few moments mr. Arc, D.U.M.B has a time limit of half an hour. Meanwhile, i just wanted to know if you and ms.schnee could answer a few questions before going back to your world?

(A)Jaune: not interested.

(A)Weiss: sure thing!

Oobleck: Stupendous! So, i wanted to know if there's a glaring difference from your world compared to this one?

(A)Weiss: *looking around* hmm. . .no, everything looks the same.

Oobleck: *writing on a notebook* i see.

(A)Weiss: *looks to the group and raises an eyebrow* why is blake wearing a bow though?

Blake: *flinches and starts sweating*

Yang: she always wears that bow, even to sleep. Why? Your blake doesn't use a bow?

(A)Weiss: wait, so they don't know about. . .

Blake: *shakes head*

(A)Weiss: o-oh, *sheepishly* sorry.

Yang: wait, do you know something we don't?

(A)Weiss: err. . .no, nothing! Blake will tell everyone when she's ready.

Yang: what is she hiding? *looks at blake* now i'm curious.

Blake: n-nothing.

(A)Weiss: blake is really quiet here.

(A)Jaune: she's always been quiet.

(A)Weiss: i know, she just looks more quiet then our blake.

Ruby: so your blake is different too?

(A)Weiss: not really, she's just a bit more. . . 'Open' about herself. Everyone looks the same aside from her, well, except me and jaune of course.

Ruby: but why are you two so different? Why are you so nice compared to our weiss?

Weiss: hey! I am nice!

Yang: *cough, cough* like a punch in the gut *cough, cough*

(A)Weiss: well. . .i don't really know, i just try to be myself, that's what my dad always told me.

Weiss: wait, your dad told you to be yourself?

(A)Weiss: *smiling* yup!

Weiss: and not to be something you don't want to be?

(A)Weiss: what? No! daddy would never do that, he hates people who control their children for their own benefit.

Weiss: *shocked* . . .is your father really jacques schnee?

(A)Weiss: that's his name.

Weiss: . . .can you tell me more about your- our family?

(A)Weiss: sure! My mom is always helping my dad with his business at the emprise, my older sister winter is one of the biggest designers of atlas, my little brother whitley is studying most of the time to be a good business man like dad but he always takes some time to have fun with us, and even helps me by playing piano in my concerts, and dad is the head of the SDC, the biggest and most controversial emprise in remnant.

Weiss: controversial?

(A)Weiss: unfortunately, yes. People in atlas are selfish and try to maintain a certain 'status-quo', humans rule and faunus suffer, but my dad's emprise treats everyone the same and helps faunus that suffer to rise and have a good life, but unfortunately for us, the rest of atlas doesn't share his vision and treats him and my family terribly, this lack of respect with my family's name is one of the main reasons why i decided to be a huntress.

Blake: *eyes wide* w-wait, so in your world, jacques schnee isn't a racist?

(A)Weiss: what!? No! My father dreams with the peace between humans and faunus, he even made an alliance with the leader of the white fang, ghira bell- i mean, with their leader ghira to help them on their movement for equality, my father is their biggest supporter. Why are you asking that? Isn't dad like this here?

Weiss: no, our dad here unfortunately isn't so noble. He only cares for profits and hates faunus, probably just as much as he hates his family.

(A)Weiss: wait, what?

Weiss: he forced me to do everything he wanted ever since i was young, even used my voice to profit. My mom is a drunkard who never leaves her room, whitley is dad's puppet and is becoming just as rotten as he is and winter is a specialist at atlas military.

(A)Weiss: w-what!? dad can't be bad like that, i-it doesn't make sense.

Weiss: he is, i guess that's why you and me are so different, you had an way easier life.

(A)Weiss: wow, this sounds so sad. . .wait, does that means your version of jaune had an easier life too?

Everyone: *looks at jaune*

Jaune: err. . .yeah, i mean, my life was pretty easy if you don't count the annoying sisters and how my parents didn't wanted me to be a huntsman.

(A)Jaune: *raises eyebrow* your parents didn't wanted you to be a huntsman?

Jaune: not really, i tried to convince dad to train me when i was younger but he never let me, so i just had a normal life until my seventeen years.

(A)Jaune: lucky you, looks like you at least had a happy life.

Jaune: so. . .what happened in my life that made my like this?

(A)Jaune: i don't wanna talk about it.

Jaune: but-

(A)Jaune: *glaring at him* no buts, just zip it.

Jaune: *terrified* o-okay.

(A)Jaune: . . . *looks to the side* what do you want?

(A)Weiss: *holding his hand* come on, tell him.

(A)Jaune: i don't want to.

(A)Weiss: come on, pleeease.

(A)Jaune: i said no already.

(A)Weiss: *hugs his arm* pleeease. . .for me? *gives him a puppy look*

(A)Jaune:  . . . *sigh* i fucking hate you princess.

(A)Weiss: *with a victorious smile* no, you love me.

(A)Jaune: keep dreaming. well. . .where do i start, my mom died when i was five because of a disease and since then my asshole sperm-donor raised me, he trained me to be a champion and forced me into several tournaments to make me stronger, he locked me away from my sisters so i wouldn't have any distractions during my training, said training that pushed me to my absolute agonizing limits. When i was fourteen i had enough and fought him off, but he defeated me and gave me this scar as a reminder of how weak i am compared to him, then when i turned seventeen i joined beacon where i became partners with an annoying ball of unlimited joy.

(A)Weiss: that's me!

Yang: wow. . .that's really dark.

Jaune: is dad really that bad in your world? He was always so soft with everyone that is kind of hard imagining him like that.

(A)Jaune: take a wild guess dumbass. *points at the scar in his eye* what kind of good father would do this to his kid?

Jaune: yeah. . .guess you got a point.

Pyrrha: wait, did you say that weiss was your partner at beacon?

(A)Jaune: unfortunately, yes. This idiot who never even trained before and didn't even had aura had the great idea to buy some transcripts and join beacon, i didn't wanted her as my partner but since she was aimlessly flying into her death during initiation, i had to save her ass and become her partner.

Weiss: . . .by any chance, am i retarded on your dimension?

(A)Weiss: HEY!

(A)Jaune: probably. What kind of sane person would be stupid enough to do that?

Pyrrha: this story sounds. . .very familiar.

Jaune: *sheepishly* i-it does.

(A)Jaune: who did i got partnered with here?

Jaune: pyrrha.

(A)Jaune: lucky you, different from princess here, pyrrha knows her limits.

(A)Weiss: you talk like me being your partner is the worst thing in the world.

(A)Jaune: because it is. you're reckless, annoying, stupid, ignorant, selfish, suicidal and-

(A)Weiss: and you still love me regardless.

(A)Jaune: . . . *looks away* i don't know what you're talking about.

(A)Weiss: yes you do, im talking about this. *tiptoes and kisses his cheek*

(A)Jaune: *recoils and blushes* what the hell are you doing!?

(A)Weiss: i'm giving you a kiss. Why? you wanted it to be on the lips?

(A)Jaune: like hell i would want that, princess.

(A)Weiss: hmm. . .

(A)Jaune: what are you doing?

(A)Weiss: *tiptoeing, reaching out her lips for him* waiting for you to kiss me.

(A)Jaune: i don't want to kiss you.

(A)Weiss: hmm. . .

(A)Jaune: stop it already dumbass, you're just embarrassing yourself.

(A)Weiss: hmm. . .

(A)Jaune: *looks back to her*

(A)Weiss: *still waiting for him*

(A)Jaune: *pink* . . .i fucking hate you. *leans down and kisses her.*

(A)Weiss: *returning the kiss*

(A)Jaune: *wraps hands on her waist and pulls her closer*

(A)Weiss: *deepening the kiss*

Yang: well. . .that's a scene i never thought i would see.

Ruby/Blake: *nods*

Pyrrha: *nods as well but with an way more forced and scary smile*

Jaune: *blushing*

Weiss: *red and mortified* w-what are you two doing!?

(A)Weiss: *giggles* sorry, sometimes we get lost in the mood.

(A)Jaune: 'we'? You're the one always dragging me into this stuff.

(A)Weiss: i'm not the one who drags you away after a hard day just so we can make out on a empty classroom.

(A)Jaune: *red* can't you just stay shut for five seconds princess!?

(A)Weiss: *smiling brightly* nope.

Yang: wait, wait, wait, are you two like, dating?

(A)Jaune/(A)Weiss: no/yes.

Weiss: h-how is that possible!? What do you even see on this idiot!?

(A)Jaune: *glaring at her* i made my mind, you're the one i hate the most.

(A)Weiss: what's there not to see on him? I mean, yeah, he is always being mean to other peoples but thats cause he had a rough life, the real jaune buried under all that anger is really kind and sweet. He was the first person that believed that i could be a huntress, he teached me how to fight and picked me up whenever i thought about giving up. *hugs his arm* he was the first guy that loved me for who i am and that's why i love him so much. *looks at him* Right?

(A)Jaune: *looks away, face totally red* speak for yourself, i don't know what you're talking about.

Weiss: i can't believe you. . .how did that even happened!?

(A)Weiss: you mean how we got together? Well it was during the ball at beacon, neptune invited me to go but i refused.

Weiss: YOU WHAT!?

(A)Weiss: i refused. *pink* i was hoping that a certain someone would invite me.

(A)Jaune: hmph.

(A)Weiss: but well, things didn't went like i wanted and i went to the ball alone. I stayed there for some time but gave up and went to the rooftop to take a breather, that's where i found jaune.

(A)Jaune: yeah, i was enjoying the peace and the silence until you showed up.

(A)Weiss: *chuckles* He was being grumpy because he heard neptune inviting me and thought i had accepted.

(A)Jaune: i wasn't being grumpy because he invited you, i just hate that guy's guts.

(A)Weiss: we cleared some things up and i invited him to dance a bit, we danced on our own for some time and talked a bit, he complimented me for the first time ever since i met him and even admitted that i was someone important in his life *with a wide smile and rosy cheeks* i was so happy that i gave him my first kiss without even thinking about it.

Yang: aww, that's so cute.

(A)Jaune/Weiss: *red* SHUT IT!

Weiss: that's enough, we don't wanna hear anything else about this!

Yang: speak for yourself ice queen, keep going nice queen!

(A)Weiss: well. . .i was a bit scared at first but when he kissed me back i got a lot calmer,  we kept kissing for some time and things got. . .a bit out of control.

Blake: *very interested* what do you mean with 'out of control?'

(A)Weiss: *red* err. . .well, w-we got a bit carried away and kept kissing until we were back to our room, and when we got there we did. . .*ten times redder* couple stuff.

Weiss: wait, so you just went and slept with him like that!?

(A)Weiss: yeah. *sheepishly* i know someone's first time should be something we think about carefully, but on that day all i could think of was how happy i was that jaune was my first. *hugs his arm* and until this day, i never once regretted that decision. *smiles at him*

(A)Jaune: *red* t-that's enough! *turns to oobleck* how the hell do we go back to our world!?

Oobleck: all you need to do is place your hands on the D.U.M.B or wait for the thirty minute mark. But before you leave, i still have some que-

(A)Jaune: fuck your questions, we're leaving princess.

(A)Weiss: sure. Just give me a moment. *goes to weiss* can i talk to you for a second?

Weiss: what do you want to talk about!?

(A)Weiss: wait. *holds her and drags her to the farthest corner, away from the group*

Weiss: what do you want?

(A)Weiss: i just needed to know, are you and jaune dating?

Weiss: W-what!? No! And we never will!

(A)Weiss: i see, i think i understand now.

Weiss: good thing that you understand, now please leave.

(A)Weiss: you like him.

Weiss: *blushes* i don't like him! I hate him!

(A)Weiss: *chuckles* you're just like jaune when i first met him. He was closed, distant and very cold with everyone, and he said he hated me all the time, but that was just him trying to keep his guard up, trying to protect his damaged heart from even more damage.

Weiss: what are you talking about?

(A)Weiss: what i'm talking is that just like my jaune, you're putting up barriers and keeping people away to avoid getting hurt, but maybe you don't need these barriers to be up all the time, maybe all you need is to let in someone who can help you heal.

Weiss: let me guess, someone like arc.

(A)Weiss: maybe. I'm dating jaune for awhile now and despite he still being much like his older self, i can't see myself being more happy with anyone else that isn't him. I know i might be biased but seeing that the only difference between us is that our roles were inverted, i think you wouldn't regret being with someone like jaune. Just think about it, didn't you ever noticed anything that jaune may have done just to see you happy?

Weiss: well. . . *gets a small flashback about the ball and neptune telling her everything jaune said*

(A)Weiss: sooo?

Weiss: i-i don't know, nothing comes to my mind. And look, i don't care what your reasoning is, i am not going to date arc.

(A)Weiss: well, i can't force you to do anything really, but if you can, just give him a chance *with a sincere smile* i know you won't regret.

Weiss: *sighs, rubbing her temples* if i tell you i'll think about it, will you go away?

(A)Weiss: sure thing!

Weiss: then i'll think about it, just please leave me alone.

(A)Weiss: okay, see'ya then me! *goes back to the group, joining jaune and hugging his chest* missed me?

(A)Jaune: no.

(A)Weiss: i missed you too my archangel.

(A)Jaune: *pink* didn't i told you to stop using this stupid nickname?

(A)Weiss: *chuckles* oops, sorry.

(A)Jaune: *sigh* let's just leave for god's sake. *places hand on the D.U.M.B*

(A)Weiss: *also places her hand on the D.U.M.B*

They both slowly start to get surrounded by a light blue aura, just like when jaune and weiss first used it.

(A)Weiss: bye everyone, It was really nice to meet you.

Yang: same, it was really good to see how weiss would be if she wasn't always on her period.

Weiss: YANG!!!

(A)Weiss: and weiss!

Weiss: *looks back at her* what?

(A)Weiss: just one chance, i promise you won't regret.

Weiss: i already said i'll think about it, i'm not going to make any promises.

(A)Weiss: that's already good enough, bye me!

Weiss: goodbye.

(A)Jaune/(A)Weiss: *vanishes*

Blake: well. . .that was something.

Jaune: i-it really was.

Ruby: weiss?

Weiss: yes?

Ruby: what did you and the other you talked about?

Weiss: well. . . *glances at jaune for a moment before looking away slightly* i-it was nothing okay? just something stupid.

Ruby: oh, okay.

Pyrrha: so, what do we do now professor?

Oobleck: we continue with the experiment of course! Meeting these alternative versions of mr.arc and ms.schnee was interesting but there are a lot of questions that need answers!

Weiss: i-i'm not going to use that machine again!

Oobleck: you wouldn't be able to use it even if you wanted ms.schnee. The D.U.M.B can't be used by the same person twice in a row, that rule goes for everyone except mr.arc of course!

Jaune: okay, but why does this machine needs me so much to work? You said i'm some kind of axis but why-

Oobleck: I DON'T KNOW AND AT THE MOMENT I DON'T CARE MR.ARC!!! RIGHT NOW THERE'S ONLY ONE QUESTION YOU SHOULD BE ASKING!!!

Jaune: a-and it is?

Oobleck: *grins and looks at the girls* which one of you is going next!?

[movienotesbyzawmer]

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019)

I mostly like Quentin Tarantino's movies, but when I saw this in the theater I considered it one of his worst. But I still liked some stuff about it. I liked the thick atmosphere of late-sixties Los Angeles, and I liked Leonardo DiCaprio's character's arc & his performance, and I liked some of the playful touches, even though some of them feel indulgent. "Indulgence" is a big concern when it comes to evaluating QT's movies. Sometimes his indulgences are charming and sometimes not so much. I'm kind of hoping a second viewing will make me like this movie a bit more. Okay, here goes…

Vintage Columbia logo. That kind of thing always works well on me.

First five minutes or so are cinematic in a familiar way, not much to note. But at about 0:06:15 there's a jarring little interruption where a narrator tells us LD just lied. The only moment of narration at all.

Then Al Pacino is reflecting on some of the movies he's been watching, and we see some clips. They look kind of vintage, but also kind of Tarantino-y. Like, that scene where LD torches Nazis doesn't actually look like it could be from the 60s.

"Bounty Law! Starring Rick Dalton!" Then a cut to a dorky TV musical sketch. Kind of funny. Not subtle. I love that announcer voice that says "Bounty Law!"

One thing that often works well in QT movies is when he has an actor deliver, and savor delivering, a weighty minute or so of dialogue that really sets up a situation. Think Christopher Walken's monologue in Pulp Fiction or the first scene with Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds. This AP conversation where he talks to LD about where to take his career is like a mini version of one of those but doesn't last as long.

0:15:10 - First really nice period shot of LA. Very nice to look at.

I think the intended audience for this movie knows details about the Manson murders that most moviegoers don't actually know. For example, the ominous close-up of the sign for Cielo Drive. I don't think it's a mistake; I think he's knowingly alienating some viewers so he can give a better experience to those who do know about them. So I can't imagine recommending this movie without also strongly suggesting studying the Manson murders first.

Brad Pitt speeds down a boulevard in West Hollywood, a filming location which has been very lovingly decorated in the style of the period. The production design of this movie was rightly heralded.

Sequence with BP in his trailer making dinner for himself and his dog. Vivid; at one point they cut to a closeup of a pinup poster. Doesn't seem to be a reason for that except for "I'm Quentin Tarantino and I do whatever I feel like". Indulgent, is what I'm saying.

Also indulgent is this minute we're spending watching Roman Polanski drive to this party at the Playboy mansion.

I don't remember noticing this before, but that's Damian Lewis playing Steve McQueen and that's kind of perfect.

Scene where Kurt Russell is telling LD that BP has a creepy vibe and killed his wife, then we cut abruptly to apparently a scene of BP having a mundane argument with his wife maybe… okay, leaves the audience wanting more info, but maybe in kind of an irritating way.

Now this scene with Bruce Lee holding forth. Bruce Lee probably didn't generally speak in arrogant, bullying Quentin Tarantino monologues. Entertaining scene though.

But the left-me-wanting conversation from the previous scene helps this scene with Bruce Lee be more tense. Also the not-ringing-true snottiness of Bruce Lee makes it funny how that fight goes down.

0:52:30 - Okay, LD is in costume as a bad guy on a show, and he's got the long hippy hair that was spoken of in the AP scene. Just saying, I like that it was described and now we're seeing what I'd pictured.

And now this memorable conversation between LD and the little girl actress. The kid acts so grown up. This could have failed because of course no eight year old talks like this girl. But this scene is awesome. And without movies by QT, there aren't scenes like this.

Now Margot Robbie. We've seen her in a few scenes so far as Sharon Tate, but she's only been depicted as a dancing starlet bopping around town. For those of us that know she's a Manson victim, it works in a certain way. But does it work otherwise?

Okay, this is a peculiar part of the movie, it's pretty fun but kind of insider-y. LD is talking about being in the running for Steve McQueen's role in The Great Escape, and they edit in some outstanding CGI scenes of LD in the actual movie of The Great Escape. Playful, but just a weird bit of color…

…but then here's this next scene where MR, playing Sharon Tate, happens upon a cinema playing a movie she's in, and after a leisurely-paced interaction with the cinema workers, she goes in and watches the movie. Unlike the CGI trickery demonstrated in the last scene with LD, we watch actual Sharon Tate on screen. MR is visibly delighted to see "herself", and to hear the audience reacting to her performance. It all works, maybe more in spite of than because of QT's ever-present choice-broadcasting (which is also why we get a good look at MR's feet in this scene).

This is followed immediately by the sequence of the TV show LD is shooting. More playful indulgence. We see the scene edited as it probably would have been edited in 1969, but shot with modern cinematography, and interrupted by LD calling for his line, then backing up and redoing some of the scene. Can it be justified beyond just the undeniable fact that it's pretty interesting? Maybe that's enough. Maybe I'm being a snob, but also, what, was I not supposed to acknowledge it at least?

Stuff now starting with BP picking up Margaret Qualley's dirty hippy flirty cultist character. Before she even has any lines, the screen is practically bulging from the force of MQ's personality. It's entertaining.

1:28:30 - More of the TV show. We get to see LD's character be a good actor, and impress the director and the kid actor, which touches him, it's nice.

It's an hour and 38 minutes into the movie, and now we're to the scene on Spahn's Movie Ranch. I'm already thinking that by now we should be deeper into some kind of story than we are, and now this scene that I remember vividly. Not totally in a bad way, but for all the good things about it, it is stretched way out. Suspense is built up, skillfully, but without the kind of payoff we'd probably like. I mean, it's like a horror movie, with the rat squirming in the trap and the tense music and the "HE MAY BE TIRED" line from Dakota Fanning, but then it's back to not being a horror movie….

…in fact, it's on to this charismatic-tough-guy scene that feels Pulp-Fiction-y. Our MINDS are BLOWN that he hit the guy so hard and made the cultists so mad, it's a fantasy come to life, but just in a movie!!! This stuff is long, but not THAT boring, but maybe it could have been a little less boring, plus more relevant to later events.

LD and BP are now watching an episode of a show he'd done. Way more violent than TV shows probably were in 1969. They like watching his little "heavy" role and chuckling about it.

Then a SIX MONTHS LATER card, and some narration for the first time since that little jokey bit in the beginning. Also jokey is the fact that this new section is narrated, VERY narrated, and is the fact that Kurt Russell is the narrator also jokey?

2:02:50 - "…going back to Missouri." LD's character is from Missouri? With that accent? Is this also an in-joke?

The aforementioned narration persists for a long time. Seems gratuitous. QT was clearly like "We'll do the first two hours of the picture without a narrator, and then suddenly there will be a whole bunch of stupid narration hahahahahahaha! No one else would do that!!! That's reason enough for me to do it!!!!"

Finale is going on now with the Manson cultist killer people approaching the house. If you know what really happened, you're freaking out. But if you know what really happened and you already know how this movie changes that story… it's entertaining. What I'm saying is that it's funny this second time through, without the worry about seeing what really transpired.

"And you were on a horsie!" "Nah something dumber than that" Hahaha BP is super funny in this scene.

Dang, the dog just mutilates Tex, and it's funny!

He violences that woman very very very much, it's nuts, kind of funny but so disturbing.

LD flamethrowers that girl in the pool. She's in the pool. But still dies from being on fire. /shrug

We never did get the whole story about BP killing his wife.

The last scene, MR talks to LD, inviting him up for a friendly drink with her friends. It ends with us thinking how nice it would be if she and her friends hadn't been the victims of a cruel slaughter just moments earlier. That's not a bad way to end a movie. But it's a long movie, and I'll say this again: indulgent. You might not feel that in on the jokes, and even if you do, you might not have as much time for them as this movie requires.

[diotesyus-blog]

The Lightning Thief: Chapter 1: I Accidentally Vaporize my Pre-Algebra Teacher

So, here’s where we begin. I should probably explain a few ground rules before I begin. As I said in my introduction blog, I’ll be reviewing the Rick Riordan Percy Jackson universe books chapter-by-chapter. I’ll be scoring them on a scale from 1 to 10, and, though it would likely be rare, 0 is in fact a possibility, depending on how much it strains credulity or messes with mythology too much. When I finish each book, I’ll average out the scores, and see if the score fits the quality of the book.

I’ll do my best not to be too spoilery with my reviews for the uninitiated, but I may occasionally reference something that comes later, though I’ll try to make sure that such a reference would be for something not completely plot-essential.

Anyway:

The introduction is actually pretty good,  given that it’s from a first-person perspective. “Look, I never asked to be a half-blood. If you think you might be one, my advice is, put this book down, believe whatever lie your parents told you about your birth, and live a normal life.” Going on to the end, “My name is Percy Jackson. I’m 12 years old.” 

That’s a pretty solid setup, and a good hook for potential readers. It raises a question for me that honestly would be better suited for asking later, but I do have to wonder if it’s a little weird that he’s only 12, but I do have to remember the audience, which, starting out with this book, was in fact mostly readers about that age. I’ll put a pin in that for now, but nonetheless, it’s a really solid setup paragraph.

Immediately following that, however, it goes deep into the troubles Percy has dealt with, even stating, “Am I a troubled kid? Yeah. I guess you could say that.” That’s an understandable comment to make. It’s honestly something that Harry Potter (get ready for more comparisons to that franchise, because we’re far from over) could easily have said about himself. It doesn’t help with his whole, “We could start at any point of my short, miserable life” line. Dude, seriously. It’s fine to go into how your life has been tough, but that’s veering deep into self-pity territory.

We do get a examples of how he can’t seem to make it through a school year without getting expelled or told he can’t come back. A school trip to the Saratoga battlefield, where he somehow blasted his school bus with a Revolutionary War cannon, which begs the question, why the hell was that cannon both functional AND loaded with live ammunition? I know that sounds like a nitpick, but seriously, I think Riordan could have just left half the stories to the imagination. Hell, Another character does that later, in way that really works.

Another mention that’s little funnier is the one where he somehow dumped himself and his entire class into a shark tank on another field trip. Though it does beg the question of why his mother would keep signing permission slips for him to go on field trips. Maybe I’m thinking too much, and this won’t keep that pattern going. As Percy himself put it, “Boy, was I wrong.”

Apparently he goes to Yancy Academy, a boarding school for misfits, outcasts, and delinquents. And Percy couldn’t possibly describe the place in less flattering language if he used the “wretched hive of scum and villainy” line from Star Wars.

He goes on a field trip to a museum for a field trip, dealing with Nancy Boba Fett-I’m sorry, I mean Nancy Bobofit. So anyway, Nancy Boba Fett is picking on Percy’s best-and only-friend Grover Underwood, pelting him with the most disgusting sandwich I’ve ever heard of. Seriously, peanut butter and ketchup? 

However, it’s kind of a dead giveaway who is going to be more significant in the story, since she’s only described to the extent of how ugly and unpleasant she is, while Grover is described as both kind and wussy. And crippled. With a weird gate in his walk, though apparently super fast on enchilada day. I guess he likes those. I hope that’s an interesting quirk for people, because that’s not going anywhere. SPOILERS!

Grover keeps Percy for getting into trouble, as he’s on probation, and if his opening line of dialogue of, “I’m going to kill her” didn’t tell you that he has a bit of a temper, well, he kind of does. Luckily they make it to the museum before Percy could pick a fight with a girl and lose some likability points, so he can go on a tour with Mr. Brunner, his wheelchair-bound Latin teacher. He’s supposed to be a really cool teacher, who apparently was allowed to take live weapons to class. Taking a cool-liking sword, yelling “What ho!”

Wait. Percy’s HOW old? Oh yeah. 12 I totally remember when I took Latin when I was that age. Wait. No I don’t. 

Brunner, like Grover, is given a lot of description, which seems to be a hint that both of them are more than they seem. Both have handicaps that they seem to transcend in one way or another. Also, I can’t help but think that Riordan is kind of using that to express that he likes to think of himself as the cool teacher Percy thinks of Brunner as.

He’s not the only teacher there. Ms. Dodds, Percy’s pre-algebra teacher, is also there. Hmm, can’t help but think that there’s just maybe a spoiler in the chapter title, but I digress. She wears a leather jacket “even though she was 50 years old”. Not sure why his assumption of her age matters, but whatever. She seems to have it out for Percy, and likes Nancy, even though, Nancy is apparently a bully, and a kleptomaniac, and I’m sure if there were more books about her she’d be an arsonist as well at some point.

Brunner leads them through a tour, and calls on Percy to describe a stele of Kronos eating his children, which fortunately he was able to remember. Brunner weirdly asks Percy to much further into the story to the point where he gets disappointed when Percy can’t answer how that story applies to him in real life, as if he’d know that at this point. 

Also, and I hate to be THAT guy with this , but Brunner’s description of Kronos’ defeat was flat out wrong. He was never cut to pieces. He was merely imprisoned in Tartarus, along with most of the other Titans.

But Brunner chides Percy, telling him that he needs to think about how that applies to him. Unless Percy intends to be a classist, that’s a more difficult answer than they’re making look.

As Percy expresses his frustration at a teacher actually expecting him not to be stump stupid, Nancy Boba Fett decides to dump the rest of her sandwich on Grover.

That’s just wasteful.

Percy’s mind goes blank and Nancy gets pulled into the fountain. She screams that Percy did it, while other students claim that water pulled her in. It’s a good moment. It really reminds me of the moment when Harry Potter made the glass disappear at the snake exhibit and made Dudley fall in. A hint at what Percy might in fact be. Though, I do feel the need to point out that this the first of many hints that aren’t terribly subtle as to what Percy truly is.

Ms. Dodds calls Percy out, which prompts Grover to try to take the blame for him. Dodds isn’t convinced, and takes Percy back inside, seemingly teleporting back. Hmm, I wonder if there’s a reason for that. 

Inside she tells him that she’s not a fool, and to confess under threat, and then, turns into a horrifying beast with bat wings. She has glowing eyes, and razor-sharp claws. This is a deadly monster. Attacking him with murderous intent, Percy then gets surprised to see that Mr. Brunner shows up and throws a pen to him, yelling “What ho!” At this point, that’s his catch phrase apparently. Suddenly the pen turns into the sword he’d seen in class. He swings it at Ms. Dodds, and she explodes into powder, leaving only the fresh scent of pine.

Okay, umm, Percy should be dead. Without reading ahead, there are two things Dodds could be, and the less dangerous kind would be a harpy, which should be able to easily kill a 12 year old. And killing them? Not that easy. In fact, the only times weapons killed monsters that easily in mythology was when they were dipped in poison. 

Confused as a person could possibly be, Percy goes back outside only to find out that no one else remembers Ms. Dodds, though Grover acts weirdly hesitant about it. So yeah, apparently, on top of all of this, they end the chapter with Percy either having a psychotic episode, or his favorite teacher and best friend gas lighting him.

Honestly, I think that was a bit early for Percy to actually have a fight in this story. He doesn’t even know what he was up against, or how he could do it even. It might have been less of a problem had he not bested his foe, but since he did, it means that there’s going to have to a lot of information relayed to him, and this kind of makes it a bit of a disjointed way to do that, and that’s in spite of the fact that it definitely was guilty of some monster nerfing. 

The chapter started pretty strongly, even if it did telegraph who’s going to be supernatural in nature with the level of description. The hint at Percy’s power is also a good thing to see. Unfortunately, the fight with Ms. Dodds seemed way too easy and too early for this story, and I can’t let that go. It’s kind of split down the middle. There’s a lot of ground to cover, and plenty to work with. I just think that they rushed a scene too early. 

Score: 5:10 The start was strong, but the finish was rushed and confusing.

[ayearofpike]

The Immortal

Pocket Books, 1993 213 pages, 16 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-74510-7 LOC: CPB Box no. 705 vol. 16 OCLC: 27434465 Released July 1, 1993 (per B&N)

Did you ever take a vacation because your best friend insisted that you had to? Josie Goodwin is. At the suggestion (or maybe insistence) of her oldest compatriot Helen Demeter, her family is spending two weeks on Mykonos in the Greek isles. Helen’s there too, and she has a lot to show Josie from her trip the previous summer, not the least of which is a sacred island with a plateau that has a mythical connection to Apollo. What Josie doesn’t know is her own connection to Apollo. But Helen does, and it’s a connection that calls for no less than cold vengeance.

I have distinct memories of reading this book on a summer vacation road trip with my dad. But aside from the fate of the main character, I found that I didn’t actually remember that much about this story. Revisited in 2018, this is some Percy Jackson shit. Like, not to the point where Rick Riordan owes Pike some money, but it definitely doubles down on the sex among gods, mortals, and monsters. It’s fitting that I read this one while reading The Sea of Monsters to my kids, because I was already in the Greek gods mode for it. Although enough people have written about Greek myth in modern times that I can’t say anyone is directly ripping anyone else, necessarily. Maybe they just have the same muse.

So, all right, where do I jump in? The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose. We’re on a plane with Josie and Helen (who, by the way, maybe couldn’t have a more Americanized Greek name) as it descends into Athens. They’re traveling with Josie’s dad, a once-hot screenwriter who is currently struggling, and his current flame, a failed alcoholic actress. Josie wakes up knowing they’re close, with a sense of almost being home. Which is weird, right, because she’s never been to Greece before. Foreshadowey! WOOOOOO

They have to cab to a smaller airport and hop another plane to the island of Mykonos, which is their final destination. Helen can’t warn the Goodwins about the rudeness of Greek people enough, but Josie finds them very pleasant. She wonders if maybe it’s this difference in attitude that makes boys who are initially attracted to Helen eventually want to be with her. Yep, Pike did it again with the accidentally-steal-yo-man girl, only at least Josie is honest with herself and admits that going out with her best friend’s ex makes her an asshole. Not that she’s going to stop. There’s one boy in particular she’s thinking of here, who went with Helen and then with her and then moved away and dropped off the face of the planet. Remember when you could do that, all the way back in the 1990s?

So they get to the hotel, drop their crap, and decide to go snorkeling at Paradise beach. They have to rent motor scooters to get there, but it turns out Helen has an ulterior motive for wanting to go so far away: a guy. Specifically, a British bartender named Tom, whom she met during her trip the previous summer. Of course Josie is instantly smitten, but she’s not immediately planning to steal Tom. They plan to go out later, the three of them and one of Tom’s friends, and then the girls get their snorkeling equipment and get in the water.

It’s when Josie pushes herself too hard that we learn a little more backstory. Seems she had a mysterious heart inflammation the previous summer while Helen was in Greece and almost died from it. The experience has made her appreciate life more, and so she really wants to tackle everything that comes her way. But her endurance is still not where it should be, and she’s been swimming for an hour. As she struggles to get back to shore, Tom plunges into the water (in his full bar uniform, no less) and pulls her in. Interesting that he was watching her swim while he was supposed to be at work, yes?

So they go back to the hotel and Josie grabs a nap, and then she decides to interact with her parentals. She argues with the girlfriend, who is drunk in the bar watching TV, and then finds her dad pecking on his laptop on his room’s balcony. Seems he’s been fighting with a science-fiction screenplay for about a year. Mr. Goodwin has never before had this hard a time unfolding a story; before, they always just came to him, but now he can’t figure out where to take it. He knows that there are humans in an interstellar war with aliens, and that the humans have captured one and are going to make her escort a single pilot on a suicide mission to blow up the alien homeworld, but he doesn’t really know why or what comes next. (I think the screenplay is supposed to have some parallel with the narrative, but it’s a pretty big stretch.) He’s interested in Josie’s ideas, and she tells him she’ll need to think on it.

Right now it’s time for her to meet Helen and the boys for dinner. She finds Helen at a restaurant in town, and they talk about their mutual attraction to Tom, and Helen says she won’t be upset if Tom prefers Josie only she is obviously lying. Tom shows up a little later with his roommate Pascal, a big French dude who works with handicapped kids most of the year but is spending his summer delivering vegetables to restaurants. In fact, he’s got a truck coming in on the late ferry, and he wants to take it for a ride with one of the girls — only (obviously) neither one wants to leave Tom to the other. So he takes off in the truck, and the other three go to a bar, where Helen drinks too much and pukes on Tom’s shoes, so that’s over. Josie takes her home, they fall asleep, and Josie dreams of being a goddess suffused in radiant blue light. When she wakes up she’s totally fine and feeling great, even though she drank at least two bottles of wine and should be a little hungover. Did the light save her from the booze?

Of course, being totally sick doesn’t keep Helen from having an agenda. She wakes everyone up the next day (even Josie’s parentals) and makes them take a boat to the island of Delos. It’s a sacred holy site, which Josie learns about by reading along the way: supposedly it’s the birthplace of Apollo and Artemis, fathered by Zeus and borne by the titan Leto (which I had to look up because I was confusing her with Leda) on an island that was not fixed in place, as Hera had banned Leto from giving birth on terra firma. The mythology of the place made it an important site of worship, even though nobody could live there, and today it is essentially a museum full of excavated ruins. Josie’s dad’s girlfriend thinks it’s junky, of course.

But what Helen most wants Josie to see is the top of Mount Kynthos, where Apollo was supposely born. And it’s true, the sun does feel stronger and more intense up there, and Josie senses a connection to something greater than herself. Helen knows it, and she sprinkles in a little more backstory by saying that when she got out of the hospital she knew that this was a place she had to come, for some reason. We learn that Helen tried to kill herself, not long before Josie had her heart ailment, but we don’t really learn how or why. Josie wonders if the boyfriend they shared was an impetus, but she sure as hell doesn’t ask any more questions about it. Still, they both share that getting so close to death has provided them with a new understanding of what they should do with life. Still, we start to wonder about their friendship. How close are they actually? Do they even still like each other?

Josie doesn’t help matters by immediately going to see Tom at the beach when they get back from Delos. They try to figure out how to get together without upsetting Helen, and don’t come up with much other than everybody hanging out again. After a swim and a stint of topless sunbathing, she goes back to the hotel, where she tells her dad that the suicide pilot in his script has something to live for and then puts off Helen’s attempt to go get dinner, as she needs to wait for her sneaky plan to happen. She dreams of a secret altar to Apollo, where she prays for insight and information to pass along to humans, and then she and Helen go to the same restaurant as the night before, where Tom and Pascal just happen to show up. Only Pascal’s fumbling English gives away that it was all planned, and Helen storms off, but not before revealing to Josie that the reason their mutual boyfriend hasn’t been in touch is because he died at the end of last summer. Helen has known this all along, but she has obviously kept it from Josie out of spite ... or something. I think here their friendship is officially ruined.

Josie and Tom try to salvage the evening by going out on the bay in a rowboat. While they’re out there, though, the temperamental summer winds kick up all of a sudden, and they lose their oar and can’t get it back. Tom jumps in the water to get it, but before he can get back the boat blows out to sea with Josie in it. All Josie can do is bail as it takes on water and pray that the wind stops before she sinks. And, like, literally as soon as she prays, the weather lets up and the water gets calm. She passes out in the boat and wakes up on a rocky beach, which she’s pretty sure is Delos. So she goes to try to find the archaeologists on the island, but before she can she discovers that the ruin is somehow a living city, and they welcome and worship her.

And suddenly we’re flung into a new myth, one of Pike’s own making. We learn about the muse Sryope and her best friend Phthia, granddaughter of Zeus. They are both in love with Aeneas, half-blood son of Aphrodite, and Phthia seduces him and gets him to swear an oath of fidelity before she goes back to fucking around. This pisses Sryope off, and she figures out how to get Phthia to forgive the vow: a story contest. If Sryope wins, Phthia will release Aeneas; if Phthia wins, Sryope will never tell anyone that her father is Alecto, one of the Furies that guards the underworld. Yeah, I know, and so does Pike — Furies in myth are traditionally portrayed as female, but there’s some shape-shifter tales throughout fiction.  Of course Sryope basically goes back on her word immediately, telling a story of a Fury who impregnates a goddess by impersonating a handsome warrior and begats (?) a daughter, just changing the names like that hides anything. Of course Phthia gets pissed and yells at Sryope, then takes off without telling her story, never to be seen again until Alecto finds her dead and floating in the river Styx. Upon which he (she?) arrests (?) Sryope on suspicion of murder.

This is where Josie wakes up with the sunrise in the ruins of Delos. There’s a tiny marble statue of a goddess next to her, which she recognizes as Sryope, so she pockets it, but then she realizes she’s going to get in trouble if she’s found there. She gets out, hides among the tourists, and takes the first boat back to Mykonos, where her father and his girlfriend are anxiously talking to the police on the dock. Seems Tom made it back to shore and warned everyone that Josie was missing, and now that she’s back they call off the search and get everyone ready for a celebratory barbecue at the hotel. But first she tells Tom what happened, and shows him the statue, which has since the morning become flecked with clear crystal somehow. He’s not sure he believes her, but he does promise to stay with her and protect her from any more weirdness.

The girlfriend runs the barbecue, maybe out of guilt of not being more ... motherly? I don’t know. Is that really the responsibility of a thirty-something woman whose boyfriend has an eighteen-year-old daughter? I know, cultural expectations and all that bullshit. But Helen helps make the burgers, and Josie asks for two but can’t finish the first so Tom eats the other one. While she’s eating, Josie talks to her dad some more about his script, and suggests that the pilot plants the bomb on the planet but that the alien is struggling to tell him something that she’s been programmed against. Then Josie goes to bed and  dreams about Sryope’s trial, where she is twisted into lying about knowing Phthia’s parentage and discusses how she shares stories and ideas with mortals, in particular a certain screenwriter and his daughter.

Josie wakes up feeling like crap. The statue is still there, but now it’s totally clear, with a red swirl in the center. She tries to call Tom, but Pascal says he’s too sick to answer the phone. She’s starting to worry about all of it, so she finds her way over to his house and realizes he needs to see a doctor. At the health center, Josie collapses in the waiting room and sees more of the trial, where Minos (the underworld judge) shows Sryope forcing the daughter’s best friend to drink poison, and then sees herself forcing the spirit of Phthia into the best friend’s dying body. Sryope realizes that it’s Alecto impersonating her, but there’s no way to provide a realistic motive without going back on her lies about Phthia and Alecto. So she accepts her punishment, which is to give up her immortality and take the place of the dying spirit in the screenwriter’s daughter.

Josie wakes up with her family around her. She asks to talk to Helen alone, because by now they both know the story. Helen tells Josie that she put ground glass in her hamburgers, and there’s no way to get it out of her system. I don’t know if that’s how it works ... isn’t finely ground glass essentially sand? Snopes says this isn’t inherently fatal, but we didn’t have the Internet in 1993 and so it scared the piss out of me at the time. Helen isn’t really upset about Tom being collateral damage, either, because he treated her wrong. She’s taken a similar revenge on their dead mutual ex, in fact. She tells Josie that this was her plot, abetted by Alecto, and all she has to do to live forever is to sacrifice somebody to the Furies — in this case, Pascal — on the summit of Mount Kynthos.

So with no hope for themselves, there’s no reason to go to the mainland hospital, but there’s still time to save Pascal. Before she goes, Josie leaves a note for her dad that tells him the planet is actually Earth, and the aliens are what humans would have become if they stayed. Then she rouses Tom out of bed and tells him about Helen’s plan, and they sneak out of the health center. They grab Pascal’s gun from the apartment, then steal a boat and rip over to Delos.

He’s already bewitched and is ready to obey Helen. There’s no other option. Josie tries to shoot her but the gun doesn’t go off. Tom (the stupid idiot who thinks he knows better than killing) knocks the gun out of Josie’s hand, and Pascal grabs it. Helen tells him to put it in his mouth and pull the trigger, which he does — but it still doesn’t go off. Josie realizes the safety must be on, but Pascal doesn’t. The gun in his mouth is enough to break his hypnosis, and he faints. Helen doesn’t realize about the safety either (I guess she thinks the gun is busted) so she pulls out a giant knife and literally lifts Tom off his feet, telling Josie she wants her to watch him suffer before she dies too.

But Josie has one more trick up her sleeve: her camera, which is in the pocket of the windbreaker she’s wearing. If she can get one good shot, maybe the flash will distract Helen enough that she can grab the gun and kill her before she kills Tom. And it’s a good shot. So good, in fact, that it lights up the entire island as though from the sun. Helen is momentarily blinded and drops the boy, and Josie has enough light to find the gun, flick the safety off, and fire six shots into Helen’s chest.

So Pascal is now safe, but Josie’s still dying, right? And Tom? Hang on a second. Josie realizes that the red in the little statuette is blood. Her godly blood. In fact, when she takes it out of her pocket, the head has turned into essentially a flip-cap. But there’s only enough for one person, so guess what. Yep, she makes Tom drink it, and once again Pike has killed off the first-person protagonist. Really — he’s done it in literally every single (YA) story written from 1PP so far. I’d say to start expecting it, only the next major one from this perspective is The Last Vampire, so ... but maybe he’s counting that as dead?

Our epilogue finds Sryope at the top of Mount Kynthos, conversing with Apollo, who she has only now realized is her own father. He is interested to know what she’s learned from her time on Earth, and as they arise into the sun she begins the tale of a girl on a plane to Greece.

And hereby we close The Immortal. I have to say I’m not mad at it. The agency of the girls and goddesses is useful, and it certainly does more with the kinky Greek myth sex than anything teachers will let you read. The parallel of the higher being dying after fulfilling an important informational mission between the narrative and the dad’s screenplay is super-thin, and I could have done without that, but Josie and Helen are kind of badasses who don’t apologize for their desires, and I’m glad. I’m also glad that this re-read gave me the thought to check on that ground-glass thing, which makes me more OK with hamburgers. 

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Jessica McCaskill: Teamwork Is The Key To Success

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By Steven Weinberg

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Published: March 04, 2021

A few weeks out from her first defense as unified Welterweight champion and rematch with Cecilia Braekhus (36-1, 9 KOs), Chicago’s Jessica McCaskill (9-2, 3 KOs) feels comfortable with her training.

“It’s almost one of those things where I’ve pushed my body and my limits so high that it’s normal, and I almost feel like I should be struggling more,” stated McCaskill. “Or I should keep pushing myself to a higher limit. So to be where I’m at is a weird feeling, but honestly, it's more of a workout than anyone I know can handle. The guys that come in for sparring leave bloody. Certain things have to give me confirmation that what we’re doing is not easy work. “

That being said, McCaskill says, “Boxing is not the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in life. So, when I get into the ring, there’s not a lot of pressure built up; there’s isn’t a bunch of fear.”

The struggles McCaskill faced as a child are well documented. It built character and turned her into one of the hardest working boxers in the profession. Her trainer and manager, Rick Ramos, regularly posts photos on social media of McCaskill performing 4:45 am workouts, followed by a full day’s work at her day job in the financial sector, only to finish the day with a sparring session.

What may be viewed as a hectic day for most people, McCaskill views it as a way to prepare for the unexpected in the ring.

“We’re ready to do things on the fly,” said McCaskill. That’s one of the reasons I don’t mind having a day job while we train because there can be a million things that happen during the day that we don’t control.

"Someone calls and wants to do an interview in the middle of the day, and we have to move, sparring up several hours before our normal time. I have a meeting at work, and I have to do a presentation over the phone that’s 45 minutes long. We need to get deliveries of water and Gatorade at the gym, so we’re stocked for the class that evening. There’s a snowstorm that hits, and everyone is coming in late for class.

"There’s a million things that can happen in 24 hours that can make us adjust last minute, and that prepares you for stuff - getting in the ring with somebody and then everything you think they’re going to throw at you is completely changed. You learn to adjust. We put ourselves in positions to learn to adjust on a regular basis.

"You’re not thinking about it, but that’s what’s happening. When you’re locked up in a camp, far away, with nobody around, and you’re picking at your toes all day, and you don’t have interaction in life, you’re just sitting there, and when you get to the ring, you’re just sitting there, you don’t have anything to bring. “

Being locked up in a faraway camp is a comment directly critical of Braekhus and her team. In their first fight, Braekhus was expected to outbox McCaskill and surpass Joe Louis’s record with 27 consecutive title defenses.

McCaskill's majority decision upset victory prevented that. Immediately after the loss, Braekhus spoke of retirement. A week later, she exercised her rematch clause and began making excuses for her loss.

It was Braekhus’s first fight training with Abel Sanchez in Big Bear, CA, and because of the pandemic and subsequent lockdown, she was stuck in a remote mountain town by herself. She publicly complained about the difficulties she faced in isolation and how it translated to the ring.

McCaskill's retort: “that’s on you and your team.” She openly ponders,

“What does that say about her team?. It says they don’t work together well as a team. That they may not be on the same page, if I was up in Big Bear and Rick wasn’t there, we’d probably still have a meeting every day at 9 am. Did you do XYZ? Yes. Okay, this is what I want you to do. Take a nice bath, rent a car, go into town. Rick would make sure I had everything I need.

"If I needed company, he would send somebody to be with me. Nobody locked the doors and chained her to the wall. She could have made changes to what she was doing, and she just didn’t. The thing about our first fight, it’s nobody’s fault that Cecilia lost except for Cecilia’s.

"It’s not even my fault. It’s her fault; it’s her fault that she came up short. It’s her fault that she struggled with her weight; it’s her fault that she didn’t do more in the ring. She’s put the blame on everyone else.”

Trainer Rick Ramos chimed in, “Also, I feel like there’s no comradery, there’s no communication. Cecilia and Abel don’t really know each other. I don’t think they care to know each other. Which is the reason it doesn’t work.”

In fact, Braekhus has gone through multiple trainers over the past few years, believed to be to her detriment. McCaskill emphasizes that her team is an integral part of her success.

“I feel the old school of boxing is you’re hired, teach me,” said McCaskill. “This isn’t working, “you’re fired.” Next person, “you’re hired.” We have gone through a lot of life experiences together as a team, so it’s not that kind of relationship. I’ve come along with Rick for his stuff with his other fighters so I can learn what his hardships are and how to help him and how I can come into this role when my time is ready.

"Or, I’ve had the experience as an amateur fighter, so I’m helping and coaching within my parameters, not stepping on any toes. So, we’ve built this bond. We have breakfast together at least once per week, and there’s so much more than “you’re hired, teach me, you’re fired.”

If it isn’t a lack of teamwork between Braekhus and Sanchez, something else is obviously wrong. In a recent DAZN press conference, Braekhus was visibly uncomfortable. Braekhus’s discomfort didn’t go unnoticed by McCaskill either.

"That is her right now in a really poor state,” McCaskill stated. “She wasn’t that bad for the press conference for the first fight. This time it’s like night and day. She looked like she wanted to cry; she looked like she didn’t want to be there.

"She could never physically say she lost [the first] fight. She made a lot of excuses, pointed a lot of fingers, blamed a lot of other people. She never really talked boxing. When asked what she is going to do, she didn’t talk about elements of boxing; she just said, “I’m going to be myself.

"So, I don’t think her mind is clear. I don’t think her mind is stable. I don’t think she’s emotionally stable. She’s just very mopey, temper tantrum-ish. That’s what I got. I felt bad for her, I wanted to help her, but it moves from that to being upset because she has all these fans and all these kids that look up to her, and she’s not being a responsible adult in her profession."

Despite Braekhus not appearing to be mentally prepared for their rematch, McCaskill is not worried about letting her own guard down.

"I don’t relax,” said McCaskill. “My first fight, same thing. I walked into it; the girl couldn’t look me in the eye, she looked really nervous. I said, okay, I’m going to do her a favor and get her out of there. If she’s going to come in a certain way, that’s fine, but I’m still going to come in 100% - plus.

"I’ll be ready for whatever she brings, and my goal is to put her down and get her out. I don’t think she’s good for the sport right now, so the best thing I can do for boxing is eliminate her all together."

Regarding elimination, McCaskill earlier posted on social media that by defeating Braekhus in their first fight, she interrupted Braekhus’s career. In the rematch, she plans to end it.

To do so, McCaskill is sparring exclusively with men at her weight or heavier. All are local to the Chicago area and have extensive amateur backgrounds or some pro experience.

Coach Ramos confidently states:

"Cecilia isn’t that good. She’s a solid amateur. That’s how I see it. We’ve brought in better talent before. These guys with 20-30 amateur fights are as good as Cecilia, and they’re bigger and stronger. Why would we waste $5,000 to $6,000 on three or four sparring partners when Cecilia is average? Now, if it's Katie Taylor, it’s different. But for Cecilia – no, it’s not worth it."

The reference to Katie Taylor is an important one for McCaskill and women’s boxing. Promoter Eddie Hearn has already announced that the winner of McCaskill v. Braekhus II will face Taylor.

McCaskill lost a decision to Taylor in 2017. In it, Taylor neutralized McCaskill's brawling, come forward style by continuously clutching and grabbing with little to no warnings from her home country referee.

If the rematch occurs, McCaskill, as the unified Welterweight champion, will be in the driver’s seat. Team McCaskill will likely be able to dictate where the fight occurs and assure that Taylor doesn’t have a “home court” advantage again.

But most importantly, Coach Ramos is adamant; if the Taylor-McCaskill rematch takes place, it will be the first women’s boxing match where both women have $1 million purses.

The prospect of having the biggest payday in women’s boxing history does not, however, distract McCaskill from the task at hand.

With a wry smile, McCaskill says, “Our sparring partners are not just punching bags. They’re grown men trying to keep their pride. If I can break a grown man’s will, then I’ll do okay with Cecilia.”

If McCaskill is able to end Braekhus’s career and do “okay,” then bigger and better things are certain to come.

In the first fight, Cecila fought your fight. What do you expect in the second fight?

"I expect the same thing. I suspect that they have tried to put on a little bit of power muscle-wise. I don’t think that’s going to work, and she’ll have to revert to movement and boxing. And boxing.

"We’re prepared for several different outputs from Cecila – coming straight at me, moving and boxing, a little bit of both. Or something totally new that we haven’t seen yet.

"When you have a kid, it’s easier to say “don’t do these things” as opposed to letting them fall and seeing how they react and keep going. It’s not like I’m teaching you to be tough right now. It just happens."

It’s interesting because you’re saying that full-time athletes miss an essential element of life.

Yeah, even if I didn’t have my day job, I’d still be doing a million other things to make sure that I don’t go flat.

(Featured Photo: Ed Mulholland/Matchroom Boxing)

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11/15/19 3:33am - goin home, trying new things

So the trip home to see the family was wonderful. Actually I spent a little too long watching TV before leaving and waiting for the gas guy to turn on the heat, so I left a little late and was damn near passing out on the drive over. Had to stop a few times to nap, but made it. Got caught up on The Adventure Zone again. I’m really excited for this new story they’re gonna do, it’s like Harry Potter meets My Hero Academia. Pretty fuckin neato.

But yeah I got there had a beer with my mom and went to the game and froze my fucking BALLS off watching taven play football. ugh jesus. And the poor guys were against a team like 4 times bigger than them, I swear they didn’t get double digit offensive yardage. They’d get an offsides call and start first and 5, hand off the ball to taven three times in a row and he’d pick up 1 yard, 1 yard, -2 yards, and they’d punt it away again. I don’t think I saw a single first down lol. Taven got hurt so we left in the fourth, they were down 77-0 with 10 minutes left -_-

But still, good to see him play lol. It wasn’t about watching a win, it was about being there for him on his birthday. Fuck that sucks though lol. I always hated playing in the cold. 

Most of the weekend I hung out with wes at his and jenny’s place. We did hang out with mom and the fam for a bonfire on saturday, I ate as much guac as I could fit in my face, we had a couple beers, made some fires. It was sweet. Then we played some super metroid before I started passing out.

Sunday wes and I beat the game and went to breakfast. My dad wasn’t around so I drove out to visit JMell in NoVa instead. His place is pretty nice, and we mostly watched some funny youtube videos. Good ol Rack Em Willie and other crackhead vids and this guy Super Sus and general nonsense. Couldn’t go crazy because I needed to make it back for work.

So I drove back. Made it to Jill’s at 2 and she helped keep me awake until I needed to get ready for work because I picked up a daytime shift from 7 to 5. And I slogged through that just fine. Got a raise at work, but like the bare minimum, but I’llll fucking take it. It’s been the exact same as every other time I got a raise I think lmfao. A little extra pocket cash to throw at new toys is nothing to scoff at, though, I need another butt plug and stuff lmfao. 

I was supposed to roll from there to durham to watch the new rick and morty, but I passed out and overslept by an hour instead. fucking hate when my bodily needs get in the way of me trying to hang out with people for 48 hours straight, yknow? Sucks.

But I went to slosh still, had a lovely chill time. Made plans to go home to Jill but ended up bouncing to another bar with a bunch of people there and drank for another hour. Got me in a little hot water, but whatever. Worth it I think lol. I just can’t help myself from hanging out with as many people as long as possible. 

Jill and I woke up at like 2 and hung out most of the day just fucking around watching tv. I bailed to go run some errands and do karaoke. Had to get some epoxy so I could put together my butt plug tail. I finally knocked that out this evening before work, I think it turned out great. Gotta try it out soon :3

But karaoke was quiet. Not a lot of people came out because it was like bitter cold and windy and had been raining all day. So on the plus side I got to sing like five songs. On the downside, I didn’t get to flirt with any new people lolol. An old stripper friend I had made there, Kellene, showed up and we talked about how I was in her dream the night before and chit chatted a bit. Got to sing a little together, I love her fucking voice. But at the end of the night she asked me for some money to help pay for her tab. I was like sure and gave her $8, she said I was sweet asked if I wanted to do anything with her I was like huwhaaa I guess? maybe we make out somewhere? Idk. Then she roams the room around and comes back and asks me for money again and I was like dude I gave you everything in my wallet, you have my $8 right there in your hand. And she says “no this is my $8 I got it from my purse,” while she opens her purse and pulls the rest of the money she needs out of it. I was like... pretty flabbergasted. Like not like floored, more still amused than anything. Drunk people are funny.

Also after I sang some Drake my beautiful bartender Jaime said I should sing Frank Ocean. Killed it singing self control, and she like held my hands and said I love you like she has the past couple weeks. I made a slight mistake and let my curiosity get the better of me. It’s definitely a rule of mine to not ask girls who are working out, but I was just like “look I know this is a little inapprop, but would you want to go out sometime?” and she says “yeah, as friends, definitely.” and I’m like oooooof. She had to take care of another customer so I just walked away from that one. Glad I cleared that up though I really thought she was being flirty and cutesy but I’m just a knucklehead. Could’ve been worse lmfao. 

Anyway, went home with Jill, we hung out all day again watching this mediocre 911 show. Kinda fun at points though. It was mostly nice just chilling with her early since I’d blown her off til really late a couple times in a row. 

Then spice was last night and ho. my. god. It was the normal confection of watching people get beat, not meeting as people this time around because I knew a whole bunch of people that were there already. But I did meet a few. Hung out with the cute boy from the fashion show for a while. We have these like really awkward pauses in conversation though where he doesn’t like ask me anything and I run out of things to say but he’s just staring at me and grinning so intently. Idk, man.  Lol. I was supposed to do a scene that I had talked out with someone, but they unfortunately called in sick. So I thought I wasn’t gonna do anything, but then I ended up chit chatting with Neko and he offered to beat on me that night.

Wowowoww bottoming a REAL impact scene was intense. Like IN. TENSE. like I was thinking about tapping out a few times from the pain of it, but then he’d take a break and scratch me or rub my back and it would just feel so gooooood. By the end I was taking these hits in the back and like shivering with excitement/adrenaline/idk what. He like threw his thigh between my legs while I was up on the cross to support me and started rubbing my back and bit my shoulder and hnnnnng. god I just started lightly scratching and chewing on his arm. I was literally in uncontrollable shivers and giggles afterward, it was actually probably too much lol but I lovvvved it. I feel like I really Get it now. Especially as I sit on my ass covered in bruises today lol. Then my friend Bun squish cuddled me until I came back down to normalcy. Maya and Jill came to watch, actually, they got to see it happen so that was kinda rad. Jill wanted to go dancing at alchemy afterward but I was like no fucking way could I dance after taking that lol. So I drug them out to boxcar with me and we played some galaga and skee ball and foosball and tekken. Me and Jill almost got a shutout on Maya+some rando, and then the randos were like nahhhh so I beat Jill+Maya 2v1. We played again later and I lost the set though. But I was dressed up as a kitty all through boxcar lol, kinda neat. We stayed up til 6am just watching Daria and ranodm youtube shit. 

Slept a long time, almost had a weird fight with Jill, smoothed that over, took a bath for a few hours and I’ve been working. Excited to get off though, but not for any reason in particular. Just fuck work I guess? lol.

I really felt like I needed to write about that impact scene while it was fresh. It’s kinda stuck in my head. :3 

I’ve got emo karaoke in a few days, should be a lot of fun. <3 nothing too exciting coming up though. Having to schedule a bunch of extra work days to appease my boss kinda suckkssss but whatever I’ll take the money lol.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 2 - NJD - Goals for Everyone!

Undefeated. Let’s just say that as many times as possible before we inevitably can’t anymore. If this team plays well these first couple weeks not only could it be good for the long run to get a good start but, there are some very telling challenges coming up. We’ll get to last night’s opponent, a very well upgraded Devils team in spite of what the score says, but tomorrow we take a jaunt down to Columbus to face a Blue Jackets squad that isn’t what it was last year. Next week proper we got the two divisional rivals Buffalo maybe fighting for wildcard spots with later this season: Montreal and Florida. The Sabres hammered the Habs last season but I’m not certain that will happen again. Florida absolutely had our number and the addition of Coach Q and more competent goaltending is a little frightening. Then Dallas visits before the annual October California road trip. There is a lot of off time in early November because of the Global Series in Sweden so if October looks good we’ll have a lot of time to sit on it. If we’re all being honest, we need some time to just feel good about this team. The Devils are an interesting club to consider this season. Some folks have them winning the Met while others have them missing the playoffs by dozens of points. It’s weird in a league that stresses parody so much that such a wide chasm can exist between predictions but here we are. I’m going to err on the higher side after the first couple games they’ve put up. A 2-0 drubbing of Columbus followed by a shootout loss to Winnipeg that looked like a rout the other way for most of the game. Those examples are here to say what we just saw last night was a little explicable. It’s a bit of tale of two games in that this would’ve been a night to remember no matter the outcome.

Fifteen of the Sabres Twenty plus former Captains participated in a pregame ceremony that was touched off by Rick Jeanneret coming out to get a standing ovation. There was emotion before the puck even dropped. The crowd went crazy for the 50th Anniversary jerseys when they appeared on the jumbotron and booed when the Devils came out. It was bordering on a religious experience already and then… *breathes out nostalgically* …then this current Buffalo Sabres teams put together the fourth, fifth and sixth straight periods of complete, full-effort team hockey. Before we get to the four-course meal that was this game, I think it’s important to say the reason we have to get legitimately excited about this club right now is that we’re seeing levels of effort and consistency through two games that were few and far between in past seasons. A lot of people were talking about how bad a Coach Phil Housley must have been to not get this level of play out of mostly the same the roster last season. I see the reasoning there but all that blame you’re sending that way, turn it into credit and send it Ralph Krueger’s way. We joked about how this new coach talked a big, group buy-in rhetoric in the preseason that was supposed to pay dividends beyond the mere culture this culture that we’ve gotten so used to with the Buffalo Bills. But the tight, fast, everyone playing-together jargon we kept hearing is now unfolding right in front of us. If this guy gets Marco Scandella, Vladimir Sobotka and dare I say it… Rasmus Ristolainen to not be statistical black holes then he’s the miracle worker we’ve been waiting for. Only time will tell after all, we’re two games into an 82-game season. Wow though. Just wow, what a game I got to be at.

This game was incredible from almost the very start. Will Butcher got called for holding on Jack Eichel and to that I say: Will, you could’ve been Sabre and gotten to hold Jack legally, but there you are going to the Sin Bin for it! On the ensuing powerplay the puck found it’s way to Eichel beside the net and instead of shooting point blank the current Captain threw it out to Victor Olofsson who winds up for maybe a half second and then shoots it through the woods into the net. That goal was special. I don’t know if Devils goalie Mackenzie Blackwood even saw it. That will become a theme tonight by the way. The Sabres goalie, Carter Hutton, has now had two great games and I want to give him huge props for holding the fort again last night, but he only needed to make 18 saves to win this after facing a total of 20 shots. He’s seen far busier nights. The whole game I’m trying to figure out if the Sabres defense is good now or is the Devils offense just so bad? I mean the Devils have Hall, Hischier, Simmons, Zajac and Hughes so they should be a threat, but Marco Scandella had the best 5 on 5 corsi of every person wearing skates in this game. Like… what is going on? If I wasn’t at the game with people yelling all around me I would have thought I ate something strange and was on some kind of groovy hallucinogenic trip. Well the good kept coming and after another holding call against the Devils Jack Eichel cleaned up a Jeff Skinner rebound on the powerplay. Blackwood couldn’t control it deep in his own crease and there it was 2-0 Sabres at 17:26 of the first. For what a fun start it was, you go to the intermission with the most dangerous lead in hockey thinking this game is still very much a game. By the end of the next period it would become a rout.

Before most of the enthusiastic crowd was back to their seats Kyle Palmieri scored a one timer off a Taylor Hall assist to cut the lead in half. Now I don’t know why but this game featured bone-rattling hits. The kind of thunder dome stuff that gets a crowd going. Jake McCabe was landing them left and right. This is generous for me to say because the shots were lopsided in favor of the home team throughout this game, but this was the only time the Devils could’ve taken control of this game. A goal to tie it early in the second and this would’ve been an entirely different game. Even at the 2-1 score line the crowd was a factor in this game. There were sporadic Bills cheers and totally spontaneous Let’s Go Buffalo chants. This little tyke rarely-sitting next to me was losing his mind and he was something of a barometer of the fans overall. Every time the puck got knocked out of the defensive zone there was deafening cheers. It felt like a playoff game and I’ve only been to Amerks playoff games and those have all turned to shite lately. This game did not. It was electric in there. Want to know how good the Sabres were doing? Kyle Okposo and the retread third line that we decried at the end of Training Camp were hemming the Devils in their zone! What!? Kyle Okposo redirected a shot originating from Rasmus Dahlin at the blueline and we’re up 3-1. Unreal. It only got better. Jeff Skinner, streaming into the zone with Marcus Johansson and *checks notes* Vladimir Sobotka, gets a cross-ice pass and shoots in short side. 4-1 Buffalo.

We all feared the guy we just signed for eight years to big money wouldn’t score until November with that Vladdy anchor on his line; but no, on only his tenth shot of the young season he sinks one and we get to see that beautiful smile again. The second period was a total shooting gallery, but one non-scoring play this period made a girl sitting a few seats down from me screech in a way you normally only hear in comedy clubs. Jack Eichel skates through red-jersey defenders moving the puck all around and dekes the ever-living daylights out of Nico Hischier. The poor kid fell on his ass like they were playing street basketball or something. The crowd went wild for the rest of the shift. In this environment, the Devils gave us another powerplay opportunity! You’ll need to watch the replay on this one. A clinic in Captaining unfolded as Eichel dribbles the puck in the right circle looking for someone and makes the kind of meaningful eye contact with Victor Olofsson on the other side that can only mean one thing: go to the goal. Eichel passes it through not one, not two, not even three but four Devils defenders to Victor who bounces it off of either Reinhart’s skate in front or Blackwood’s pads and recollects his own rebound. Not a second later Olofsson takes another shot and buries it. Correction, Reinhart passed it back to him. It’s as if this goal was going to happen one way or another. That made it… *pauses for dramatic effect* FIVE to ONE Sabres. Gee, I felt greedy.

I could talk for hours about how completely new the Sabres powerplay looks through two games this season, but the score was now 5-1 and I still have more goals to get to. In most games I’d call that box score a rout, but this game gets chippy. Remember I told you Jake McCabe was leveling hits left and right? He landed one in the middle of the game here on Taylor Hall that immediately unleashed pandemonium. I need to use every meaning of that word here because the crowd went wild and rose to their feet while some “extracurricular activities” if you will unfolded on the ice. It took a couple minutes to sort out the penalties, but McCabe knew what he did and went down the tunnel bopping fist bumps like he just won a WWE title. What resulted was three minors and two majors and a 23-year-old building struggling to keep the noise in. The Devils didn’t get the lift they needed from that fight. Not from that fight, not from running McCabe, not from running Hutton. The third period begins, and we get Travis Zajac goal to make 5-2 but… here’s the reason this article is so long again: the Sabres still had more goals to score. Sam Reinhart gets the puck way out by himself in the left circle and shot it bar down. I know Blackwood was trying to catch it with his glove over his head, but it was already in and it just looked like the poor kid was begging for mercy. “Please oh please don’t keep shooting at me!” 6-2! I’m feeling greedy now! The crowd is now doing that chant where they count the goals and ask for another. I am not swearing in disbelief now for no other reason than the child sitting next to me. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. My teams don’t score this many goals. We’ve seen probably a dozen breakaways in these first two games and no goals off of any of them. That changed when Sam Reinhart challenges PK Subban in his own defensive zone and poke checks the puck free. Subban can’t get to Reinhart and falls down briefly. Reino just takes off and goes five-hole on Blackwood. He puts his hands in the air like, yeah, just pay me now. Can we just pay him now? At this rate he’s going to score 5.2 million goals and Terry is going to have to drill a new well just to pay for it. 7-2 Sabres is the final outcome of this home opener.

There is so much to take away from this game that I’ll probably be referencing it for a couple weeks. Our New Look Sabres reply guy tweet of the game is actually a tweet not a reply. It comes from The Charging Buffalo’s Joe Marino who points out “the Sabres haven’t won the first three games of the season since the 08-09 season”, exclaiming Monday is huge. This recap is getting a little long and I’ve got a Bills game to go watch so I will agree wholeheartedly and invite you to look forward to Monday night’s away game in Columbus. I for one cannot wait. This team has got me in hook, line and sinker. Like, share and comment on this blog; at this rate we may have some fun this season and fun is best when it’s shared. I hope we can share in the fun together here. Who knows what these guys can accomplish if this is the level of play we see out of them in even half of the remaining eighty games ahead. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Rasmus Ristolainen: actually good! I’m looking at you Winnipeg, that blueline ain’t looking so hot!

[videobugs]

Answer ALL the cartoon badlands questions!

Fjdjsk ok!! I’ll try my best there’s a lot of questions lol

A cartoon you remember that nobody else does.

I remember this weird show from my childhood about healthy snacks or something and I specifically remember there being an episode about potatoes but no one I talk to knows what I’m talking about ??? I have very distinct memories of this show but I have no idea what it was called

A cartoon you like but nobody else seems to.

I really like phineas and ferb!!! It’s a great show but I haven’t met anyone outside my family who watches it except for like one person I met online last year. Which is too bad bc it’s really funny

A cartoon you don’t like but everybody else seems to.

Rick and morty I guess? Seems like everyone loves it but I don’t see what the big deal is about tbh it doesn’t appeal to me at ALL

A cartoon you wish would be forgotten.

There’s a lot of gross anime that I wish would be destroyed forever. Most noticeably all the incest and pedo anime that exists for some reason

The worst cartoon you’ve ever seen, and why?

American dad/family guy (against my will). I was playing on the TV in a public area I was working in so I couldn’t escape it and it was terrible. I don’t remember which one it was but they’re functionally the same. I don’t think I need to explain Why they’re terrible they’re just objectively bad

The worst moment you’ve ever seen happen in a cartoon.

Out of everything I’ve watched probably setsukos death scenes in grave of the fireflies.

The worst thing you’ve ever seen happen to a cartoon that ruined it.

Anytime random fanservice shots are added into otherwise good anime and distracts from the plot to focus on some girls boobs it’s annoying and gross

A cancelled/forgotten cartoon you would bring back to television.

POPEE THE PERFORMER!!! I love that show I wish there were more episodes :(

An animated character you remember but nobody else seems to.

Hmmm… I don’t really have an answer to this one! Sorry!

An animated character you hate the most, and why?

Uhh out of everything PROBABLY kirito from sword art online. He’s ridiculously overpowered and annoying, everything focuses on him like he’s the center of the universe, he’s super edgy for no reason, a complete Mary Sue… and he totally ruins what could have been an interesting concept

A non-animated property you would like to see as a cartoon

I still think an animated warriors movie would be super cool!!! It’s something I’ve been thinking of since like 4th grade and I think it’d be great :0

A trope or trend in animation that you dislike.

Drawing eyes as spheres that are overlapped by eyelids like how eyes in gravity falls are drawn. I personally just really hate that type of art style

A currently airing cartoon that you know is going to be forgotten about in the future.

I’m not really sure… anything I can think of rn is either good so it’ll be remembered, or terrible so it will be remembered for how bad it is

The best episode of a cartoon you really like.

Either crossroads of destiny or the Sozins comet episodes from atla!! They were some of the best in the series and had really great fight scenes !!

The worst episode of a cartoon you really like.

I said this for an answer to another question but gem harvest was the worst su episode I’ve ever seen. I can’t find anything positive to say about it at all it was just so terrible

A cartoon you feel deserves more recognition than it gets.

Definitely tsuritama, it was amazing what they could do on such a small budget and the end product was really great…I feel like not enough ppl know about this show bc it was really nice

A cartoon you feel deserves less recognition than what it gets.

Honestly? I have no idea

The worst idea you can think of for an animated series.

I’m not sure anything can top that horse girl anime tbh

At what point did you realize a cartoon, any cartoon was starting to get bad?

When gem harvest aired on Steven universe. It has already been going downhill noticeably since barn mates but gem harvest was so terrible it put me off the show for a long time, and it’s only recently getting better (although I suspect it’s going to just get worse again since the writers always seem to focus on the most boring aspects of the universe).

An experience with a cartoon you thought you were going to like but turned you away from it.

Right at the beginning of RWBY with everyone’s voices. I had watched all the trailers and was super hyped for the show, but everyone’s voices seemed to fit so terribly I had to stop watching the show after like 6 episodes.

Something you would like to see more than anything in a cartoon.

I think it’d be really cool to see characters like me in a cartoon, ones with similar problems or disadvantages. I haven’t really seen anything like that in cartoons so far

What do you feel makes a cartoon forgettable?

Mediocre writing and a boring but passable art style. That’s what makes cartoons stand out, but if everything is just “meh” no one will have any reason to remember it existed.

Wow that got really long

[jelloapocalypse]

Hey Jello, I was wondering how you decide who plays in each episode of AC? Is it if they fit into the story, or availability based?

It’s usually not story-based. I mean, look at Horizontal Pilot Command. There is NO reason those characters should be hanging out together.

I generally tried to swap players in and out so that our group of originally 9, now 12 players had a MOSTLY even presence throughout the first 6 games before I decide my final favorites for the endgame.

Long story short I usually pick players who jive well with the genre I’m parodying (Chula wanted to be involved with Magical Girl Adventure, Arim wanted Card Games, Lamp, Will, and Siv all really wanted to be in the Prison Break, you get the idea).

As for the last two adventures I’m going to handpick players who have both performed really well, created characters I want to see back, and created characters who fit certain... requirements for the final boss. We’ll see how that goes!

If you’re more interested in the direct reasoning you can check that out below the cut.

In Adventure 1 I chose Roob, Chula, and Arim because they didn’t really get to participate too much in Adventure 0 as they were all guest NPCs. Lamp tagged along because she really wanted to I think. Will was the Co-DM because he Co-GM’d Spook Campaign with me and that went really well and I thought Adventure 0 was kind of a failure and wanted to go back to that old back and forth.

In Adventure 2 Roob was the Co-GM because I wanted Giovanni from Adventure 0 to be the antagonist of this adventure. Majin, Plaster, and Keen hadn’t played in two games and Siv wanted to play in the next one instead. By this point I had most of the Vague Titles for the adventures (Prison Break Campaign, Card Game Campaign, Magical Girl Campaign, etc), so the players kind of knew which ones they wanted to participate in. Chris was put in this adventure because we all love Chris and rarely get to hang out with him. Unfortunately Roll20 hates him.

Adventure 3′s party all wanted to be in the Prison Break Adventure except Matt, who came in as a guest we were all VERY excited to have before we were really familiar with the 3rd Wheel guys. I asked Arim to Co-GM because I really respect his design sense. I still think this adventure is probably the most polished on the GM’s end.

Adventure 4′s party was another mish-mosh of all the players who hadn’t participated since A1/A2 and Jay.

Adventure 5′s party was a weird one. This was the last game I knew Plaster would be able to participate in (the remaining 3 are mildly story-heavy so this is the last one her fuckery wouldn’t interrupt). This was also the only adventure Giovanni would be able to be a player character in given the rest of the story we have planned out.Majin really wanted to play Doc Chappy again. Will and Siv participating was a spiritual callback to A3, which, in my head, this adventure was a sequel to. After all, it is a goofy escape game with a bunch of semi-villainous player characters featuring Yoomtah and Ryatt that ends in a Mecha fight. Jay Co-GMing was a last minute change that worked out really well. He’s got a nice energy he brings to the table and I thought it would fit this adventure best.

Adventure 6 has both Chula and Majin Go-GMing. Chula loves magical girls so she called this one forever ago. Majin was added in a little later because he’s a solid GM I didn’t get to use yet and for a variety of other reasons that are currently [SPOILERS]. This Adventure is one of the only ones that has been mostly planned out since the beginning (which is why Phoenica keeps cameoing) so the players have been pitching ideas for Magical Girl party for months now. Trixie (Siv) was made for this adventure before she cameoed in A4. I personally wanted Rick back again because he has magical powers, a good dynamic with all the kids, and honestly I wanted to set him up for Endgame Possibility because Rick’s backstory gives me a lot to play with. Arim wanted to play MAGICAL GIRL PERCY and Chris is always a fun surprise. We’re surprised we got him back after the dice did nothing but screw him for eight hours straight in A2.

Adventure 7/8′s party is mostly decided, actually. I just need to see how Adventure 6 goes.

[flauntpage]

There’s Blame to Go Around – Ten Takeaways from Saints 20, Eagles 14

The Birds were up 14-0 and lost 20-14.

That’s a crappy way to go out when you consider how well they started this game.

Funny thing about social media –

I don’t think anything remotely reasonable is said on Twitter or Facebook in the 30 minutes after a tough Eagles loss. It’s just reactionary and emotional stuff, people full of piss and vinegar and Bud Light who are looking for an argument. It’s more or less a cesspool of non-dialogue, but what’s fascinating is to explore the dichotomy among fans who were blaming the offense for the loss versus fans blaming the defense.

It’s true that the Eagles were poor on a number of third and long situations last night, and they allowed the Saints to put together some back-breaking long drives on more than one occasion. That’s factual information that we can verify with our own two eyes. Empirical data and whatnot.

But if you told me before the game that the Eagles defense would hold the Saints to 20 points in the Superdome, I absolutely would take that. You would have taken it, too. We all would have, because New Orleans only scored less than 21 points at home on one other occasion this season, which was when they rested their starters in week 17.

Seriously.

Last night was probably the best defensive performance by an opposing team in the Superdome this season, because Teddy Bridgewater vs. the Panthers in the season finale doesn’t count.

This loss is on the offense, which put up 14 points against the NFL’s 29th-worst pass defense. You can’t go 2-7 on third down in the dome and expect to win the game. You can’t waste a timeout to avoid a delay of game penalty early in the third quarter. You can’t blow the few opportunities you get in a road playoff game against the NFC’s top- seeded team.

There’s blame to go around, but the scales are tilting much more towards the offense than the defense after that performance.

It was a fun ride though, for real. I wrote a bunch of sardonic shit earlier this season, saying that the Birds were done, they were cooked, they’re gonna finish 7-9, yadda yadda yadda. They proved me wrong, probably proved you wrong, and put up a really nice fight while falling just short of the NFC Championship game. That’s pretty damn good for a team that looked to be dead and buried on more than one occasion this year.

All that’s left for us to do now is cheer on Andy Reid, because I sure as hell don’t want Sean Payton, Bill Belichick, or Sean McVay winning the Super Bowl.

Barf.

1) Nick Foles

18 for 31, 201 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception that was his fault, and 1 interception that wasn’t his fault.

He just wasn’t good enough. He was under-throwing and over-throwing guys from quarter two through four, which is weird to me because he nailed Alshon Jeffery on a fantastic back-shoulder throw in the first quarter and dropped that touchdown pass for Jordan Matthews right in the bread basket. I don’t know what changed or why his accuracy waned as the game progressed.

I went through some of the condensed replay film and didn’t see anything that really suggested what the problem was. He didn’t totally step into a couple of throws, but on other occasions he was similarly back-footish and completed his passes. He wasn’t “forcing” throws I don’t think, but Nick just looked like he was having trouble putting the right amount of loft on the ball after that first quarter.

Case in point, the interception:

The thing that kills me about that play is that the Saints dropped eight guys into zone coverage. It was a three man rush, so you’ve got Lane Johnson 1v1 on the right and a pair of double teams elsewhere on the line. I know Nick isn’t a runner, but he could probably have climbed the pocket there or hit Wendell Smallwood in the flat. He saw something over the top and just didn’t put enough air under it, which is almost the opposite of what he did on the Matthews TD pass earlier in the game, which was a back-foot, “let me put it where my guy can get it” type of throw.

The Matthews over-throw towards the end of the game was another one that jumped out:

He just missed him. The Saints blitzed but the protection was clean enough.

I guess this brings the Foles vs. Wentz thing to an end. Or does it? I have no idea. I think we’re stuck with that forever.

2) Offensive shortcomings

Let’s play a game.

It’s called “compare how the Eagles did on Sunday to the opponent’s season averages.”

I wrote last week about how the Birds had a shot to really redeem themselves after Carson Wentz threw up that three-interception clunker in week 11.

That was predicated on these mediocre New Orleans season averages:

14th in total defense (349 yards per game)

29th in pass defense (269 YPG)

14th in scoring defense (22 points allowed per game)

22nd in first downs allowed (20.8 per game)

24th in opponent third down conversion rate (41.3%)

29th in yards per pass allowed (8.1)

26th in completion percentage allowed (67%)

27th in limiting opponent passer rating (100.3)

Look good right? The Birds should have been able to find some wiggle room attacking the Saints secondary, but here’s how they did in each of those categories:

250 total yards

201 passing yards

14 points

15 first downs

28.6% on third down

6.5 yards per pass

58 completion percentage

61.4 passer rating

That’s it. They Eagles finished well below the Saints’ defensive averages in all eight of those categories, which was incredibly disappointing. They opened the second half with a 14-10 lead and the ball and proceeded to go three plays for six yards and punt the ball right back to New Orleans, which set up the Saints’ game-winning drive.

3) A great performance, other than…

The defense more or less fought like hell but just couldn’t get off the field, which resulted in the Saints running 71 total plays vs. the Eagles’ 47. The time of possession margin was again ~37 minutes to ~23 minutes, which is absolutely brutal.

Here’s what the Saints did with their drives:

one play, zero yards, interception

three plays, zero yards, punt

seven plays, 23 yards, punt

twelve plays, 79 yards, touchdown

four plays, 12 yards, punt

seven plays, 67 yards, field goal

eighteen plays, 92 yards, touchdown

eight plays, 62 yards, field goal

ten plays, 41 yards, missed field goal

(end of game)

Drive #4 required a fake punt and a 4th down conversion to score a touchdown, so of course you have to give credit where it’s due. This is one of the best offenses in the league, playing at home and executing while down by 14 points.

But just looking at that 18-play drive specifically, you allowed a 1st down on a penalty, allowed a 3rd and 1 and 3rd and 16 conversion, and couldn’t take advantage of two penalties on their offensive line, penalties that moved them back into a pair of 2nd and 20 situations on the same drive. That was the killer there, the fact that they couldn’t turn two holding calls into a punt or field goal.

4) “Bringing pressure”

A lot of talk about Jim Schwartz and his scheme last night.

Here’s who he’s got in the secondary:

Josh Hawkins (pulled off the scrap heap)

Rasul Douglas (2nd year dude on a bum ankle)

Avonte Maddox (rookie)

Cre’Von LeBlanc  (pulled off the scrap heap, but played a fantastic game)

Malcolm Jenkins (veteran Pro Bowler)

Corey Graham (veteran backup)

Tre Sullivan (backup dime safety)

What would you like Schwartz to do with this group?

I’m not trying to be an asshole, I promise. I’m just not sure what kind of options he really has. You can play dime and blitz Nigel Bradham. You can throw a safety blitz, maybe.

You risk a lot if you blitz in front of that patchwork secondary group, because if you don’t get there, you’ve got guys like Maddox and Hawkins 1v1 with the likes of Ted Ginn Jr. and Michael Thomas.

Geoff made some sense after the game:

Jim Schwartz didn't blitz on 3rd-and-16. Bradham doesn't make a play he should've made. Schwartz gets killed for not blitzing.

Very next third down, Schwartz blitzes, Brees find Tre'Quan Smith for 15 yards. And Schwartz is still getting killed.

The guy can't win.

— Geoff Mosher (@GeoffMosherNFL) January 14, 2019

Let’s look at the two plays Geoff is talking about. Here’s the 3rd and 16:

I have more of a problem with the defensive line configuration there. I know you’re forcing 1v1s on the strong side of the field with three guys lined up on the left, but it’s just too easy for Drew Brees to step through the hole behind the left guard and climb the pocket instead.

I mean, look at this:

You can’t throw that cheese against somebody as good as Brees. That’s the easiest pocket climb he’ll ever make, with all four linemen totally bypassing him and getting caught too far down the field.

But Geoff is right; Bradham did have a chance to make a tackle there. He was in position.

Clip two glitches for some reason, so my apologies, but here it is:

They rush six, Brees spots a 1v1 against Avonte Maddox immediately, and the ball is out before anybody gets there. That’s less than 2 seconds from snap to throw. I tried to time it on my phone a couple of times, and while I’m prone to human error, I stopped the clock at 1.81 seconds.

Shrug. I dunno man, they had chances to get off the field in different looks and different situations, and they didn’t do enough of it. Drew Brees is good against zone and he’s good against the blitz. I’m not sure what else Jim Schwartz could have done.

5) Injuries part 2

What is it about the Superdome? It feels like bodies just pile up in that place.

Injuries in the first Saints game:

Jason Kelce (elbow)

Rasul Douglas (knee)

Sidney Jones (hamstring)

Avonte Maddox (knee)

Jordan Hicks (calf)

Rick Lovato (concussion)

Injuries in this game:

Brandon Brooks

Fletcher Cox

Rasul Douglas

Jason Peters

Brandon Graham

Michael Bennett

Some of these guys were in and out of the game. Some finished and some didn’t, but losing your Pro Bowl right guard in the first half sucks. Losing your Pro Bowl defensive tackle for some plays sucks (ironically Cox drew a flag on his first play back on the field). Losing your left tackle in what seems like every game this season also sucks, but I’ll leave it to Russ to comment on Jason Peters.

6) the Zebras

I wrote down nine things regarding the officiating:

Taunting on Tim Jernigan: seemed like a pretty straightforward call because he was standing over the guy and yelling at him

Brandon Graham non-fumble: easy review that the booth got correct, as did Dean Blandino in his consultation

Rasul Douglas 3rd quarter pass interference: ehhh, I mean, I dunno.. they were letting guys get away with a lot of things in the secondary last night, but flagged this for some reason

Saints 3rd down conversion in 3rd quarter: Keith Kirkwood hooked Malcolm Jenkins on a pick play and was not flagged. He literally reached out and grabbed him with his arm.

holding against Haloti Ngata: correct call and wiped out a touchdown

holding on Max Unger on same drive: bogus call against the Saints as Treyvon Hester was falling to the ground almost immediately after the snap

3rd down pass to Golden Tate: sure looked like face guarding to me, but I honestly think Golden needed to do a better job of selling that or fighting for the ball to get the flag

pass interference on the Saints in the 4th quarter: well, the guy did grab Zach Ertz and wrap him near the line of scrimmage

roughing the passer on Marcus Davenport, 4th quarter: I dunno.. we’d be complaining about that if it happened to the Eagles, right? He got Nick high, but hit him more in the neck area and didn’t exactly strike him in the face

Can’t blame the refs for this loss, but I’m sure Angelo Cataldi gave it a try this morning.

7) Value in the margins

Weekly entry. Last one for the season.

Let me start by going through the auxiliary battles from the first game, the 48 to 7 loss back in November:

lost time of possession, 37:30 to 22:50

-3 turnover margin

3-10 on third down (30%)

0-2 on fourth down (0%)

allowed Saints to go 6-11 on third down (54.5%) and 1-1 on fourth down (100%)

lost 18 yards on 3 sacks

0-1 success rate in the red zone

6 penalties for 49 yards

Pretty brutal, that game.

Here’s how the Eagles fared on Sunday:

lost time of possession, 37:50 to 22:10

-1 turnover margin

2-7 on third down (28.6%)

0-0 on fourth down (N/A)

allowed Saints to go 8-15 on third down (53.3%) and 2-2 on fourth down (100%)

lost 0 yards on 0 sacks

1-1 success rate in the red zone

4 penalties for 30 yards

Third downs and time of possession really killed them in both trips to New Orleans.

Combine those games and the Eagles went 5-17 on third down for a 29% rate. The Saints went 14-26 for a 53.8% mark and finished 3-3 on 4th down tries. That’s pretty much why they controlled the clock in such a lopsided fashion against an Eagles team that finished top-three in TOP this year.

New Orleans committed 11 penalties for 84 yards last night and the Eagles didn’t do enough to take advantage of that.

8) Doug’s best call?

I really liked the QB sneak for the touchdown. Seemed like a very obvious call at the time, a “let’s not over-think this” type of call.

That’s the only one that jumps out to me..

9) Doug’s worst call?

The timeout before halftime was because the Eagles weren’t lined up properly. However, the Saints might not have gotten that play off in time, with the clock at three seconds before they could get everybody in the right spot:

Upon further review, holy shit what a great timeout called. pic.twitter.com/4bgqCTOJvt

— Brian Coulter (@PhilaBCoulter) January 13, 2019

Probably best to just give the Eagles the benefit of the doubt there.

People were also talking about whether or not to accept the penalty prior to the fake punt. I think declining the penalty is the proper call, because you’ve got the opponent backed up on 4th and 1 in their own territory, down two scores. It’s a risky play and the Saints converted it, but if they fail you’ve got a two touchdown lead, a ton of momentum, and the ball in the their half of the field.

The timeout on the opening drive of the second half was really bad though. Andy Reid school of clock management there. Just take the 5 yard penalty and save those timeouts for the end of the game. That was a killer.

I’m also not sure why Eagles were rushing to get a play off before the two-minute warning. They had 27 yards to the goal line and plenty of time to get there. The objective was to score without giving Brees time to march down the field for three points.

10) The broadcast

Kevin Burkhardt, Charles Davis, and Pam Oliver.

Burkhardt is fine. No problem with him.

Davis is a strange one, because I think he’s decent as a color guy, but at times it just feels like he’s beating me over the head with analysis. I think he just has to pace himself a little more, if that makes sense. It’s like he’s punching me in the face after every play when sometimes I just need a bit of a break. He’s one of those guys who, while you appreciate what he does, makes you feel like you need a cigarette after the game, even if you’re a non-smoker.

Broadcast-wise, there were fewer shots of Carson Wentz, which I appreciated. He’s not in the game, so why show him 40 bazillion times? I think the only thing that bugged me was the several times Foles and Jeffery were described as “basketball guys,” which is whatever. I get it. Nick throws it and Alshon goes up and gets it.

The commercials were pretty mediocre as well. I feel like commercials get worse every year. My mom used to press the mute button during every commercial break and I feel like that’s a good life lesson that I should have picked up on.

Anyway, go Chefs!

The post There’s Blame to Go Around – Ten Takeaways from Saints 20, Eagles 14 appeared first on Crossing Broad.

There’s Blame to Go Around – Ten Takeaways from Saints 20, Eagles 14 published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[mambasaid]

Scorpion Review (Side A)

Before I get into this review, I’d like to start off by giving you a synopsis of my history with Drake and his music.  

Like a lot of Drake fans, I was introduced to Drake’s music when So Far Gone was released early in 2009.  I may have heard a few of his songs with Lil Wayne prior to that, but I binge watched a lot of Family Guy and South Park around that time so my memory for most of 2008-2010 is pretty spotty.  I really just remember chicken fights and singing pieces of shit (no, I’m not talking about Chris Brown) with random songs sprinkled throughout.  Anyway, my point is that if I did hear anything by Drake prior to So Far Gone I didn’t find it compelling enough to skim through the rest of his discography, but So Far Gone was a different beast entirely.  The production was incredible; a lot of the beats made me feel as if I was in a dream.  Drake’s lyrics were also noteworthy; as a rapper Drake has his flaws, but he has always been a technically proficient rapper who was not afraid to come across as vulnerable, and I have always respected that.  That combination is rare today, but it was nearly unheard of back in 2009; at least in the realm of mainstream hip hop.  So here we had a lyricist with a great ear for production who was even able to sing pretty well on occasion; I was all in.  I went back and downloaded Drake’s two prior mixtapes, Comeback Season, which is still great, and Room For Improvement, which is an interesting listen, but not really all that good, and played both of them dozens of times.  For a few months in 2009 I was a full-fledged Drake stan.  

However, Drake had slowly started to fall out of my good graces by the time his debut album, Thank Me Later, came out in 2010.  In hindsight, I don’t really remember why.  Maybe it was the fact that he was singing too much for my taste.  I was a stereotypical hip hop head back then.  All I wanted were complex punchlines and rhyme schemes over a gritty or soulful beat and I was satisfied.  Drake definitely had his fair share of “lyrical miracle” songs, but he also started to venture into R&B territory a bit too much for my liking.  For whatever reason, I thought that his music was too “soft” and self-indulgent.  I grew up in the suburbs, so I really have no right to call anybody soft, but that’s how I felt at the time.  I definitely liked quite a few of the song that Drake was putting out, but I just didn’t view him as the guy who was going to bring “real hip hop” back to the mainstream anymore.  On Take Care, which is still probably his best album, Wheelchair Jimmy Champagne Papi The light-skinned Keith Sweat  Drake continued to toe the line between rapper and singer, and I was such a hip hop elitist that I dismissed damn near ⅓ of the album because Drake was singing too much.  I’ll save my final thoughts on that album for another day, but I certainly didn’t give that album it’s due at the time.  

As Drake continued to dominate the radio with inescapable songs, he became harder to hate on.  Eventually, I accepted the fact that Drake was no longer

Survival

This is fine for an intro, but it’s a bit underwhelming when compared to Drake’s past introductions.  He even says that he doesn’t want to get ahead of himself because this is “Just the intro” when on prior opening tracks he has rapped much longer, sometimes for what felt like an eternity, and used the intro to catch us up to speed on what has been going in his life since his last album dropped.  Here he mostly treads water, bringing up the Meek Mill and Diddy beefs he was involved in over 3 years ago, although he does seem to take a few shots at Kanye.  Anyway, this was pretty good, just not as epic as I was expecting.  “My Mount Rushmore is me with four different expressions” is an all-time great Drake line, though.

Nonstop

I hate this song.  The beat is fine, but this is probably the most annoying flow and cadence that Drake has ever used.  In the second verse he starts doing this weird thing where he mumble whispers (?) the first half of each bar, then raps the second half in his regular voice, and it’s just terrible.  On top of that, the song title isn’t even accurate because I stopped this track at least six times to make sure that this was actually a song by Drake and not something from Lil Overdose’s new album.  This might be Drake’s worst song ever.

Elevate

There was literally no way this song could have been worse than Nonstop, so at least it already had that going for it.  This song still isn’t anything special, though.  I like this beat a lot, its celebratory and ominous at the same time, I imagine this is the beat Thanos heard once he got all six soul stones and snapped his finger.  Unfortunately, Drake didn’t snap on here, so we get a lot of very forgettable lines.  Girls seem to love that line about God playing favorites, though.

Emotionless

After giving Drake a pretty mundane beat for Survival, No I.D completely redeems himself here by giving Drake one of the best beats of his career; it’s so soulful.  Drake uses the first verse to take more shots at Kanye and Pusha T, and uses the second verse to make excuses about why we didn’t know he had a son until Pusha played detective.  Props to him for calling out the people who take dozens of pictures when they go on vacation for 2 days then post those pictures a month later so they can flex like they’re still vacationing, but what the hell does that have to do with us knowing you have a kid?  Your son barely even knows that you exist, so how do you expect him to know about the lives of people on social media?  The kid won’t be old enough to even understand what is on a phone for several years.  It’s a good line, but it is also really dumb, but this is hip hop, not a thesis defense, so I’ll let it slide.  Finally, a song I want to listen to again.

God’s Plan

Originally released as part of Drake’s Scary Hours EP, along with another way better song called Diplomatic Immunity,  God’s Plan quickly rocketed up the charts and became one of Drake’s most successful songs ever.  I like it, I just don’t understand why it was so popular.  Drake has released a lot of other singles that I felt were destined to be chart toppers in the past, but for whatever reason this one was way more successful.

I’m Upset

This song came out a day after Drake’s Duppy Freestyle, a track that became a bit of a footnote after Pusha T sonned him on The Story of Adidon, but still a good diss in its own right.  Duppy got a pretty warm reception when it first dropped, and I think I’m Upset initially suffered because of that.  There is a pretty stark contrast between the two songs.  Duppy has more of a classic hip hop feel, with more of an old school beat and Drake adopting a quicker flow with a lot of slick punchlines.  I’m Upset is very clearly a modern hip hop song, Drake raps over a much slower beat and gives us a lot of lines that are easy to digest and remember, the type of lines you would see under a picture on Instagram, but that isn’t such a bad thing.  While this isn’t one of Drake’s best songs by any measure, I do think it’s better than people initially gave it credit for.  Ironically, Pusha’s diss track that dropped a few days later makes this song sound better, as a lot of the first verse is clearly about his baby’s mother.

8 out of 10

Drake mentions that he likes to take things from an 8 to a 10, which sounded nice until I remembered that he once rapped about going from 0 to 100 real quick.  Now I’m left wondering if he has slowed down and abandoned his more reckless ways now that he has a baby to care for.  Anyway, upon first hearing Scorpion, this was one of my favorite songs.  However, after listening to Joe Budden’s excellent breakdown of the meaning behind a lot of these lines, I’m beginning to realize that, even though I liked this song, I didn’t really appreciate it as much as I should have.  Drake utilizes Boi 1da’s beat to take more shots at Kanye and Pusha T, but a lot of the lines are so subtle that they might fly over your head, and I mean that as a compliment.  When he wants to be, Drake really is a lyricist, and he puts that on full display in this song.  Listen to Budden’s analysis of the bridge for this song and tell me this man doesn’t care about what he writes.  This is my favorite song on this album by a pretty wide margin at this point in time.  

Mob Ties

Aside from maybe Chance the Rapper, Drake is pretty much the least threatening rapper to have ever lived.  Not only does he spend like 40% of his discography crooning or crying to women, but even his public persona is that of an unabashedly a corny guy.  He is like the opposite of Doggystyle era Snoop Dogg and that’s completely fine, people love him for it, so why does he always have these random songs in which he transforms into Only Built for Cuban Linx era Raekwon and pretends to be some kind of mob boss?  We know you’re not putting hits out on people dude, just chill.  Granted, a lot of rap is built on people building up fake personas, but at least they stick to them.  Yeah Rick Ross is a liar, but the guy has always stuck to his character.  We know so much about Drake’s personal life that it’s hard for me to take any threats that he makes seriously.  Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant for so long, this song is ok.  I like this beat, but I just don’t think it was well suited for Drake, it seems more like something Migos would have picked.  

Can’t Take a Joke

Lmaooooooooooo what is this flow?  Maybe this song really is a joke because this weird sing/rap flow actually made me laugh the first time I heard it.  Aside from Nonstop, this is pretty easily my least favorite song on the A side.  I’ll be skipping this one.

Sandra’s Rose

Drake finally got a beat from the legendary DJ Premier and the collaboration doesn’t disappoint, I do wish Preemo had scratched on the hook, though.  This isn’t an all-time great Premier beat, but it does the job, and so does Drake.  While there are a few pretty weak bars in here, most of the punchlines are on point, so much so that a few of them went over my head on my first listen, and Drake rides the beat well.  I wish Drake would rap over beats like these more often, my 3 favorite songs on this side have all featured soulful vocal samples.  

Talk It Up

Drake and Jay-Z seem to have thrown subliminal shots at each other several times in their careers, yet Jay seems to be one of Drake’s favorite collaborators (he has appeared on 3 Drake albums, as many as Lil Wayne).  Drake has a cute little double entendre about lump sums, but aside from that his verse is pretty forgettable.  Jay fairs a little bit better, but not really. It seems like 2010 Jay usually only raps about being a boss or his past as a drug dealer, and on this track he chooses the latter.  Jay’s verse is ok, but this pretty easily the weakest of their 3 collaborations, which is a pretty impressive feat given that Jay spent his second verse on Pound Cake interpolating a Rihanna song.  This was kind of a waste of a great DJ Paul beat.

Is There More?

Drake asks the same question that I have been asking for the vast majority of this album.  I would have sworn that this was a 40 beat, but it was produced by Wallis Lane.  This is one of Drake’s better lyrical performances on the album, arguably his best.  Drake presents himself as someone who has finally made it, but is now left wondering what else there is to accomplish.  However, Drake spends a lot of this song bragging about how successful he is rather than talking about how becoming successful has left him feeling empty, so I wonder what his goal was with this song.  The title and the beat suggest that the song would be more introspective, and a few lines in the first verse are, but most of this sounds more like Drake asserting his dominance over the rap game again.  Even if the subject matter is a bit confusing, this is not a bad way to end this side.

Side B

Trash, this whole side sounds like a bootleg Jon B album.  Maybe that’s why he called it side B.

I’m just kidding!  I’ll give my thoughts on Side B soon, but that’s a lot more to write and a lot more for you guys to read, so for now I’ll stop here and give you my thoughts on Side A.  This isn’t a bad album, but it’s pretty bland.  There are a few highlights, most of which feature soul beats, but Drake sounds very uninspired on the majority of this album.  He switches up his flow every now and then, but it’s usually to his detriment, and a lot of the punchlines on here are bad or non-existent.  Drake has always had an excellent ear for production, and that remains true on this album; there isn’t a bad beat on here, I just think Drake used them wrong or wasn’t suited for them.

Swishes:  Emotionless, 8 out of 10, Sandra’s Rose

Bricks: Nonstop, Can’t Take a Joke

Overall, I’d give Side A a 6/10