#ate an entire kit kat

[konjkitkatty]

Kit, my MAIN kat, shuffled Marmar has given me so many brain worms. Do you think she used to sink ships like the Kraken and eat the unfortunates on board? If she can’t devour as she used to, does she still sink ships and watch said unfortunates drown? Asking for myself, I love evil monster women.

Its funny you think she stopped at the sailors on board, dawg she ATE the board. Most of anchordeep is littered with broken scraps of ships Shuffled Kali has sunk- hardly ever full ships- because she’s decided that swallowing the entire fucking thing is the most effective way to eat, the damn glutton basically inhaled them whole at some point.

Now that their throat is, well… lacerated, for lack of cleaner term, it does make mealtime significantly harder- BUT BUT but there’s so much MORE to sinking a good large ship than a big meal (even if thats OBJECTIVELY the best part to her)! It’s the PRESENTATION! The BONDING TIME with your spouses! The SCENERY! The ART! The EXPERIENCE! The STRESS RELIEF!

[burberrycanary]

Tagged by the wonderful @booksandabeer 😘🍻🥰

Last song I listened to: Brahms’ Piano Concerto No. 1 in D minor played by Nelson Freire with Riccardo Chailly conducting the Gewandhausorchester. 

I listen to a lot of classical music but I have never felt the urge to listen to Brahms much. Brahms, meh. But a friend got me into symphonic music a few years ago and I have yet to recover. I stumbled onto this magnificent recording by chance and I love how it combines the huge sturm und drang scope of this very cap-R Romantic concerto with a startling clarity that balances both a structural clarity about the overall shape of the work and at the same time an equally meticulous clarity about so many of the fine musical details. It’s sweeping, passionate and fun.

Last thing I read: I’m terrible about finishing things and generally have a half dozen books going at once, but the last thing I finished was either Red, White and Royal Blue (I was somehow very much the target demo for the film but not the target demo for the book even a little) or Christopher Logue’s War Music, which I have read at least a half dozen times by now. I am 100% exactly the target demo for this book, a brilliantly idiosyncratic partial translation of the Iliad that Logue worked on for decades, up until his death. If you like Anne Carson’s translation work, give Logue a try. 

Last movie I watched: René Clément’s Purple Noon on a gorgeously restored 35mm print. A recent binge-watch of Andrew Scott’s Ripley happily lined up with a local theater’s Alain Delon film series and here Delon is at his most impossibly beautiful. The film is shot almost entirely on location in 1960’s Italy and the colors are almost too beautiful, giving the film the quality of a fever-dream fantasy. But Highsmith’s cool eye and colder heart are still there, driving the story, right under the sun-struck surface. Delon gives a performance that’s ranging, nuanced and deceptively light. 

Last tv show: I recently finished Ripley, which I liked a lot. The cast is strong overall and Andrew Scott is mesmerizing. The cinematography is often striking and only very occasionally forced. The choice to shoot in black and white works well for the story they wanted to tell. Having such a definite point of view on an iconic and repeatedly adapted novel is refreshing and successful. The touches of black humor are pitch-perfect. One misstep at the end is sadly very much sticking with me—Caravaggio!—but I’ll always have all those fucking stairs. 

And I just started X-Men ’97, which is a must-watch for anyone who saw the X-Men Animated Series as a kid. As a queer kid, the X-men meant a lot to me and so far this series feels like a complicated love letter to something formative I still have a ton of nostalgia for.

Last thing I googled: Setting aside how I use google to look up how to spell things…spaghetti al burro and before that moliterno al tartufo, which are things I am going to eat this week 😋

Last thing I ate: A dark chocolate kit kat 

Sweet, salty, or savory: Savory just edges out salty—but only just. 

Sleep: Who amongst us sleeps well? Or enough. 

Currently reading: To pick one among several, I’m listening to Andrew Scott read Joyce’s Dubliners. Ideal. 

Tagging, no pressure—and if you haven't gotten to this one already— @village-skeptic, @deadalien, @skarabrae-stone, @amoneth-art and @starlightafterastorm

[wigglepiggle]

I found out one of joes names is jaws so I knew what I had to do

Joe the salmon!

Lurking in the dark of the depths of sea, one day on a lark

Decides to get rowdy, get real violent

Takes a vay-cay up to barnacle and dime and

Shopping lotion fun in the sun

Blood in the fountain, everybody run

'Cause it's crazy how few fucks this fish gives

He'll eat naked lobsters, he'll eat little squids!

Oh, no!

But the one thing keeping the community safe

Is a guy named Judd and his pal Lil Judd

Joe don't know that a storm's gonna come

He just wants everyone to be his Chum, get it, get it

The mayor don't care if the townsfolk die

He doesn't want to spoil the fourth of July

He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go buy some swimwear!"

But holy shit here comes that fin!

Joe is here

Here is Joe

(He is a salmon without a cause)

He was in a big run you should play it it's called Joe

Joe is here

Here is Joe

(He is a salmon who fights the law)

He was in a big run that everyone fought

Long story short, the mall gets closed

The mayor's like, "Okay, yeah, this blows"

Suddenly Joe has got a price on his head

But the wrong little salmon baby ends up dead

It was Joes' little brother! now he's pissed

The mayor just shot to the top of his list

He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night

And he eats that fucker in a single bite

Golly

(doo do odoo)

Now the mayor's dead, so Judd's in charge

He knows the real killer is still at large

So he and the Lil Judd make a decision

They're going on a mission

They're gonna go fishing

For Joe

A man named Mr Grizz lets them use his helicopter

On the condition that he be the one to cut Joes' throat

'Cause he was a sailor back in World War III

And Joe ate his entire crew, woah!

Joe is here

Here is Joe

(He is a salmon without a cause)

He was in a big run, a big run called Joe!

Joe is here

Here is Joe

(He is a salmon who fights the law)

He was in a big run that everyone fought

They're out on the sea, they wait all night

Where could Joe be? He's nowhere in sight

Lil Judd decides to go down in a cage

And Joe shows up in a full on rage

He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder

While Lil Judd makes his wetsuit wetter

He hides behind a rock like cowardly prick

And he doesn't come back until the end of the flick

Judd's like, "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

So they go back home and get a bigger boat

The biggest boat that's ever sailed

Gonna kick Joes' ass or I guess his tail, yeah his tail

But, oh, my shit!

Joe jumps out and Grizz gets bit!

Right in half like a kit-kat bar!

Up in the sky there's a shooting star

That's Grizz up in space, he's a star now

Judd's angry, he's all like, "Fuck it"

He takes a harpoon and welds it to a charger

Joes' last words are, "Woah, respect"

Then he explodes and it's a pretty good effect, yeah!

Joe is dead

Long live Joe

(He was a salmon without a cause)

He was in a big run, you should play it, it's called Joe

JOE IS DEAD

LONG LIVE JOE

(He was a salmon who fought the law)

He was in a big run that everyone fought

(He was in a big run that everyone fought)

He was in a big run that everyone fought

Joe is dead

Long live Joe

(He was a salmon without a cause)

He was in a big run, called Joe

(Joe is dead)

At the Academy Awards

(Long live Joe)

He was robbed

(He was a salmon without a cause)

Salmons exist in real life, woah

(He was in a big run that everyone fought)

Joe is dead

Long live Joe

[frogsdeservecereal]

Jaws the shark! Lurking in the dark of the depths of sea, one day on a lark Decides to get rowdy, get real violent Takes a vay-cay up to Amity Island

Sunshine lotion fun in sun Blood in the ocean, everybody run 'Cause it's crazy how few fucks this shark gives He'll eat naked ladies, he'll eat little kids! Oh, no!

But the one thing keeping the community safe Is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Dreyfuss Jaws don't know that a storm's gonna come He just wants everyone to be his chum, get it, get it

The mayor don't care if the townsfolk die He doesn't want to spoil the fourth of July He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go for swim!" But holy shit here comes that fin!

Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark without a cause) He was in a movie you should watch it it's called Jaws Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark who fights the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw

Long story short, the beach gets closed The mayor's like, "Okay, yeah, this blows" Suddenly Jaws has got a price on his head But the wrong little shark baby ends up dead

It was Jaws' little brother, now he's pissed The mayor just shot to the top of his list He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night And he eats that fucker in a single bite Golly

Now the mayor's dead, so Brody's in charge He knows the real killer is still at large So he and the Dreyfuss make a decision They're going on a mission They're gonna go fishing For Jaws

A man named Quint lets them use his boat On the condition that he be the one to cut Jaws' throat 'Cause he was a sailor back in World War II And Jaws ate his entire crew, woah!

Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, a movie called Jaws! Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark who fights the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw

They're out on the sea, they wait all night Where could Jaws be? He's no where in sight Dreyfuss decides to go down in a cage And Jaws shows up in a full on rage

He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder While Dreyfuss's makes his wetsuit wetter He hides behind a rock like cowardly prick And he doesn't come back until the end of the flick

Brody's like, "We're gonna need a bigger boat" So they go home and get a bigger boat The biggest boat that's ever sailed Gonna kick Jaws' ass or I guess his tail, yeah his tail

But, oh, my shit! Jaws jumps out and Quint gets bit! Right in half like a kit-kat bar! Up in the sky there's a shooting star That's Quint up in heaven, he's a star now

Brody's angry, he's all like, "Fuck it" He takes a harpoon and welds it to a rocket Jaws' last words are, "Woah, respect" Then he explodes and it's a pretty good effect, yeah!

Jaws is dead Long live Jaws (He was a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, you should watch it, it's called Jaws JAWS IS DEAD LONG LIVE JAWS (He was a shark who fought the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw (He was in a movie that everyone saw) He was in a movie that everyone saw

Jaws is dead Long live Jaws (He was a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, called Jaws (Jaws is dead) At the Academy Awards (Long live Jaws) He was robbed (He was a shark without a cause) Sharks exist in real life, woah (He was in a movie that everyone saw) Jaws is dead Long live jaws

pissy

[webslingingslasher]

what is ur first time high story ?

LMAO-

i didn't smoke weed until i graduated high school, so there i am w my certified stoner brother, and he's holding the pipe and the lighter, and he says, (cause i never really smoked at this point) 'i'm gonna light this and you gotta inhale,' and so, i do it.

so i hit the bowl twice and nothing, cause i'm expecting some dramatic 'oh shit! it hit!' moment. but on the third one i inhale, pull away and my brother says, 'breathe in through your nose' and lemme tell u what. i coughed my whole ass lung out, and he's nodding his head like, 'there you go. if ur not coughing ur not inhaling'

the SECOND i stopped coughing... holy shit.

i slumped in my seat, arms GLUED to the arm rests. it literally felt like my entire body was a sandbag.

i remember saying, 'you know how the world is contantly spinning on it's axsis? i can literally feel it right now.'

then, i couldn't stop laughing, and i saw a spider forming a web and was entranced like i was on acid.

then, i was hungry so i had my first ever munchy moment.

i ate:

an entire sleeve of kit-kats.

french onion dip.

and 8 slices of bacon. i was vegetarian at the time. my mom was so hesitant cause she was like, 'i don't want you to regret this' and i was like, 'no regret, please pork.'

also kept thinking i was falling asleep or had fallen asleep.

actually wasn't a huge fan and did it like 6-8 months after that and since then i've been a pot head woo.

OH AND THE COTTON MOUTH??? ON GOD IT STILL ATTACKS ME.

[saltedsolenoid]

Jaws the shakr lurki in the dark of the deoths of the seanone day on a alrk decides to get rowdy get real violentntakes a vacaynup toa kity island sunshine lotion fun in the sun blood in thenocean everybody run cuz kts crazy how few fucks is shark gives hell eat naked ladies hell eat little kids Oh No

but the one thung keeeping the community safe is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Draffis Jaws dont know that a storms gonna come he just wants everyone to eb his um (get it. get it)

The Mayor dont care if the townsfokk die he doesnt want to spoil the fourth of july hes like everyone cool it snd go for a swim but HOLY SHIT HERE COMES THAT FIN SAYING

Jaws is here

Here is Jaws

He is a Shark eithout a cause

He was in a movue you should watch it its called Jaws

Jaws is here!

Here is Jaws

He was a shark who fights the law

He was in a movie that everyone saw

long atory short the beach gets closed the mayors like okay yeah is blwos. suddenly jaws has git a price on his head! but the wrong luttle shark baby ends up DEAD! its was jawss little brother! now hes PISSSED! THE MAYOR JUST SHOT TO THE TOP OF HIS LIST! He sneaks into his house in the middle of the night AND. EATS THAT FUCKER IN A SINGLE BITE

Golly

noe the mayorss DEAD, so BRODYS IN CHARGE he knows the rwa killer is still at large so he and THE DRAYFUSS make a decision theyre going on a mission theyre gonna go FIAHING

FOR JAWS

a man named Quint lefs them use his boat on the condition that he be the one to cutjaws throat cuz he was a sailor back in world war 2 and jaws ate his entire crewa

Jaws is here!

Here is jaws!

he was a shark without a cause

he waa din a movie you shdould watch. its called jaws

JAWS IS HERE

Here is Jaws!

He was a shark who figutht the law

He was in a movie that everyone saw

Theyre out on the sea

They wait all night

Where coukd jaws be? hes nowhere in sight

Dreafuss deecides.to go down in a cage, ADN JAWSNSHOWS UP IN A FULL ON RAGE!

HE TEARS UO THE CAGW LIKE.PAPER IN A SHREDDER EHILE DREDFUSS MAKES HI WETSUIT WETTER HE HIDES BEHIND A ROCKNLIKE A COWARDLY PRICK AJD HE DOESNT COME BAVK TIL THE ENDNOF THE FLVIK

Brodys like "WERE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOat" si they go back home and get a bigger boat the biggebboat thats ever sailed GONNA KICK JAWS ASS or i gues. his tail? yeah his tail but OH MY S H I T!!!!!! JAWS comes.out and QUINT gets bit RIGHT IN HALF LIKE A KIT KAT BAR! up in heaven theres a shootimg star. thats wuint. up in heaven. hes a star now

Brodys ANGRY, hes all like FUVK IT he takes a harpoon and wrlds i tot a rocket!

jaws last words are "owah, respect" then he explodes and its a pretty cool effevt yeah

JAWS IS DEAD

LONG LIVE JAWS

HE WAS A ADHARK EIOUT A CAUSE

HE WA SIN A MOVIE YOU SHOULD WATHC IT ITS CALLED JAWS

JAWS IS DEAD

LONG.LIVE JAWS

HE WAS A SHARK THAT FOUGHT THE LAW

HE WAS IN A MOVIE THAT EVERYONE SAW

H E W A S I N A M O V I E T H A T E V E R Y O N E S A W!!!!!!!!!!

HE WAS IN A MOVIENTHAT EVERYONE SAW

JAWS IS DEAD

LONLIVE JAWS

HE WAS A SHARK WIHTJOUT A CAUSE

HE WAS IN A MOBIE, VALLED J A W S!

jaws is dead

AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS

long luve jaws

HE WAS ROBBRD

he was a shark wiout a cause

SHARKS EXIST IN REAL LIFE (WOAH!)

HE WAS IN A MOVIE THAT EVERYONE SAW

JAWS IS DEAD

LONG LIVE JAWS

...so who's this jaws guy again?

[shapeshivvter]

Wyd when I publics displays affection? Huh?😈

Jaws the shark! Lurking in the dark of the depths of sea, one day on a lark, decides to get rowdy! Get real violent! Takes a vay-cay up to Amity island! Sunshine, lotion, fun in the sun! Blood in the ocean, everybody run! Cause its crazy how few fucks this shark gives, he'll eat naked ladies! He'll eat little kids! Oh no!!

(wicked mini instrumental bit)

But the one think keeping the community safe is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Dreyfuss! Jaws dont know that a storms gonna come! He jsut wants everyone to be his chum! get it? get it??? The mayor dont care if the townsfolk die, he doesnt wanna spoil the fourth of July! He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go for a swim!" but holy SHIT here comes that fin, singin' Jaws is here! Here is Jaws! (He is a shark without a cause!) He was in a movie, you should watch it its called jaws!! Jaws is here! Here is Jaws! (He is a shark that fights the law!) He was in a movie that everyone saw!)

Long story short, the beach gets closed, the mayors like "Okay yeah, this blows." Suddenly, Jaws got a price on his head, but the wrong little shark baby end up dead!

It was Jaws little brother!

Now he's pissed.

The mayor just shot to the top of his list! He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night, and he EATS that FUCKER in a SINGLE BITE!!!

Golly!

(more instrumental music, before being accompanied by a vocal ditty;)

Do-do-do-do-be-do-doo-doo, skoobihdu do-do-do- doo!

Now the mayors dead, so Brodys in charge! He knows the real killer is still at large! So he and the Dreyfuss make a decision, they're going on a mission, they're gonna go fishin'!

for jaws!

A man named Quint lets him use his boat, on the condition that he'd be the one to cut jaws throat, cause he was a sailor back in world war 2, and jaws ate his ENTIRE CREW! WOAH!!!

Jaws is here! Here is Jaws! (He is a shark without a cause!) He was in a movie! A movie called jaws!!! Jaws is here! (A-ah!) Here is jaws! (a-ah!) Woah-oh-oh, (He is a shark who fights the law!) He was in a movie that EVERYONE saw!

They're out on the sea.

they wait all night.

where could jaws be?

he's nowhere in sight!

Dreyfuss decides to go in a cage, and jaws shows up in a full-on rage!!

He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder, while Dreyfuss makes his wetsuit wetter!!! He hides behind a rock like a cowardly prick and he doesnt come back untill the end of the flick!!!! Brodys like "WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT!!!" So they go back home and get a bigger boat!! The biggest boat thats ever sailed!! gonna kick jaws ass, or i guess, his tail. ..Yeah his tail.

but oh my SHIT!!! Jaws jumps out, and Quint gets bit!!! right in half like a kit-kat bar!!! Up in the sky, theres a shooting star- That's quint, up in heaven, he's a star now.

Brody's angry, he's all like "FUCK IT." He takes a harpoon and welds it to a rocket!!! Jaws last words are;

"Woah, respect."

Then he explodes and its a pretty good effect, yeah! Jaws is dead! long live jaws! (He was a shark without a cause!) He was in a movie, you should watch it, its called jaws! JAWS IS DEAD! (A-ah!) Long live jaws! (A-ah!) (He was a shark who fought the law!) He was in a movie that everyone saw!

(He was in a movie that everyone saw!)

He was in a movie that everyone saw!! Jaws is dead! (A-ah!) Long live Jawss.. (A-ah!) (He was a shark without a cause!)

He was in a movie, Called JAWS!!

(Jaws is deadd) At the academy awardss!!!! (Long live jawss!!) He was robbed!!

He was a shark without a cause! Sharks exist, in real life!! Woah!!!

(HE WAS IN A MOVIE THAT EVERYONE SAWW!) Jaws is dead, long live jaws!

(song ends with an instrumental)

[randy-jade-4ever]

Jaws the shark!

Lurking in the dark of the depths of sea, one day on a lark

Decides to get rowdy, get real violent

Takes a vay-cay up to Amity Island

Sunshine lotion fun in sun

Blood in the ocean, everybody run

'Cause it's crazy how few fucks this shark gives

He'll eat naked ladies, he'll eat little kids!

Oh, no!

But the one thing keeping the community safe

Is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Dreyfuss

Jaws don't know that a storm's gonna come

He just wants everyone to be his chum, get it, get it

The mayor don't care if the townsfolk die

He doesn't want to spoil the fourth of July

He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go for swim!"

But holy shit here comes that fin!

Jaws is here

Here is Jaws

(He is a shark without a cause)

He was in a movie you should watch it it's called Jaws

Jaws is here

Here is Jaws

(He is a shark who fights the law)

He was in a movie that everyone saw

Long story short, the beach gets closed

The mayor's like, "Okay, yeah, this blows"

Suddenly Jaws has got a price on his head

But the wrong little shark baby ends up dead

It was Jaws' little brother, now he's pissed

The mayor just shot to the top of his list

He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night

And he eats that fucker in a single bite

Golly

Now the mayor's dead, so Brody's in charge

He knows the real killer is still at large

So he and the Dreyfuss make a decision

They're going on a mission

They're gonna go fishing

For Jaws

A man named Quint lets them use his boat

On the condition that he be the one to cut Jaws' throat

'Cause he was a sailor back in World War II

And Jaws ate his entire crew, woah!

Jaws is here

Here is Jaws

(He is a shark without a cause)

He was in a movie, a movie called Jaws!

Jaws is here

Here is Jaws

(He is a shark who fights the law)

He was in a movie that everyone saw

They're out on the sea, they wait all night

Where could Jaws be? He's no where in sight

Dreyfuss decides to go down in a cage

And Jaws shows up in a full on rage

He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder

While Dreyfuss's makes his wetsuit wetter

He hides behind a rock like cowardly prick

And he doesn't come back until the end of the flick

Brody's like, "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

So they go home and get a bigger boat

The biggest boat that's ever sailed

Gonna kick Jaws' ass or I guess his tail, yeah his tail

But, oh, my shit!

Jaws jumps out and Quint gets bit!

Right in half like a kit-kat bar!

Up in the sky there's a shooting star

That's Quint up in heaven, he's a star now

Brody's angry, he's all like, "Fuck it"

He takes a harpoon and welds it to a rocket

Jaws' last words are, "Woah, respect"

Then he explodes and it's a pretty good effect, yeah!

Jaws is dead

Long live Jaws

(He was a shark without a cause)

He was in a movie, you should watch it, it's called Jaws

JAWS IS DEAD

LONG LIVE JAWS

(He was a shark who fought the law)

He was in a movie that everyone saw

(He was in a movie that everyone saw)

He was in a movie that everyone saw

Jaws is dead

Long live Jaws

(He was a shark without a cause)

He was in a movie, called Jaws

(Jaws is dead)

At the Academy Awards

(Long live Jaws)

He was robbed

(He was a shark without a cause)

Sharks exist in real life, woah

(He was in a movie that everyone saw)

Jaws is dead

Long live jaws

I love running an ask blog because I just get this in my inbox and then I have no idea what to say.

[irismfrost]

August 9 - Trying to survive

Today made me debate leaving this country. I cannot find anything here. I look for a pharmacy and it takes me an hour because all the buildings are so big that nothing is on the first floor and I can't read enough Japanese to figure out where I should go. The amount of escalators is ridiculous. I also cannot get medication that would be OTC in the US without a prescription. But the people at the counter said I need special paperwork for Japanese hospital/doctors. I am beginning to like seafood less and less the more I eat it. What is up with people putting "mixed seafood" in everything possible?

I skipped breakfast today to catch up on sleep, and since I went on my pharmacy adventure before I ate (I figured it would be better to eat with peace of mind). However, I was too stressed to eat when I got my meals. I just picked up the prepackaged mixed seafood pasta and seafood rice paper rolls at the 13-floor mall, not including basement where the pharmacy was. So I didn't eat anything until about 5pm. Tomorrow I am going to eat hotel breakfast. I'm hoping it's good because there is a fancy restaurant downstairs. I also cannot access certain websites here. I have been trying to get my parking permit for Gainesville done and I can't access part of the website. I tried it using cellular instead of hotel wifi too. So that is annoying, but tonight I did get a couple other things done that I had been avoiding for a couple days.

After talking to my mom and weighing the options, I've decided to thug it out and just try to make it to the end of the week. Hopefully, I can keep my medical issue at bay until I get back to the states. I think I am gonna put forth one last effort to just try to go to a Japanese doctor's office tomorrow and see what happens. Maybe there was something lost in translation at the pharmacy.

And maybe tomorrow I'll try to explore outside of these city towers, assuming I can get out - I'm hoping I'll have a better experience being in an open space.

Overall, I am breaking down and losing all motivation to make experiences. There is a large part of me that would rather stay in my room the entire trip. As much as I want to stay within my comfort zone and do nothing, I know I will regret it later. So even though I will end up being disappointed and I will definitely cry more than one more time on this trip, at least I can say I am trying. My motivation is like a used tube of toothpaste and I am currently choosing to cut up the tube and scrape the insides out so that I can finish this trip. It is so much easier to just throw out the tube.

On a slightly more positive note, my successes today include going to 7/11 to pick up supplies, filling up my water bottle and tea kettle, and getting a few housekeeping tasks done. I tried the matcha flavored Kit Kat at 7/11 and they aren't bad, they taste exactly how you would expect, but they have chocolate in the middle which I didn't realize. I don't really like matcha but they are interesting and I'm glad I tried it. I'll be bringing most of them home.

Pictured is my view from the hotel. I have not seen that wheel move once since I've been here.

[closetdbisexual]

Jaws the shark! Lurking in the dark of the depths of sea, one day on a lark Decides to get rowdy, get real violent Takes a vay-cay up to Amity Island

Sunshine lotion fun in sun Blood in the ocean, everybody run 'Cause it's crazy how few fucks this shark gives He'll eat naked ladies, he'll eat little kids! Oh, no!

But the one thing keeping the community safe Is a guy named Brody and his pal Richard Dreyfuss Jaws don't know that a storm's gonna come He just wants everyone to be his chum, get it, get it

The mayor don't care if the townsfolk die He doesn't want to spoil the fourth of July He's like, "Everyone cool it, and go for swim!" But holy shit here comes that fin!

Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark without a cause) He was in a movie you should watch it it's called Jaws Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark who fights the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw

Long story short, the beach gets closed The mayor's like, "Okay, yeah, this blows" Suddenly Jaws has got a price on his head But the wrong little shark baby ends up dead

It was Jaws' little brother, now he's pissed The mayor just shot to the top of his list He sneaks in his house in the middle of the night And he eats that fucker in a single bite Golly

Now the mayor's dead, so Brody's in charge He knows the real killer is still at large So he and the Dreyfuss make a decision They're going on a mission They're gonna go fishing For Jaws

A man named Quint lets them use his boat On the condition that he be the one to cut Jaws' throat 'Cause he was a sailor back in World War II And Jaws ate his entire crew, woah!

Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, a movie called Jaws! Jaws is here Here is Jaws (He is a shark who fights the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw

They're out on the sea, they wait all night Where could Jaws be? He's no where in sight Dreyfuss decides to go down in a cage And Jaws shows up in a full on rage

He tears up the cage like paper in a shredder While Dreyfuss's makes his wetsuit wetter He hides behind a rock like cowardly prick And he doesn't come back until the end of the flick

Brody's like, "We're gonna need a bigger boat" So they go home and get a bigger boat The biggest boat that's ever sailed Gonna kick Jaws' ass or I guess his tail, yeah his tail

But, oh, my shit! Jaws jumps out and Quint gets bit! Right in half like a kit-kat bar! Up in the sky there's a shooting star That's Quint up in heaven, he's a star now

Brody's angry, he's all like, "Fuck it" He takes a harpoon and welds it to a rocket Jaws' last words are, "Woah, respect" Then he explodes and it's a pretty good effect, yeah!

Jaws is dead Long live Jaws (He was a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, you should watch it, it's called Jaws JAWS IS DEAD LONG LIVE JAWS (He was a shark who fought the law) He was in a movie that everyone saw (He was in a movie that everyone saw) He was in a movie that everyone saw

Jaws is dead Long live Jaws (He was a shark without a cause) He was in a movie, called Jaws (Jaws is dead) At the Academy Awards (Long live Jaws) He was robbed (He was a shark without a cause) Sharks exist in real life, woah (He was in a movie that everyone saw) Jaws is dead Long live jaws

[autistic-zukoao3]

I ate that entire bag of kit Kats I got for Halloween. I need more. More...

[markmonlux]

Weekly Dose of Mark

Sunday, May 28th 2023 • 05/28/23 – Memorial Day Weekend

I didn’t write a Weekly Dose last Friday because there was too much going on at the time. And, as often happens, so much kept happening that another week went by. I’m going to do my best to get you caught up.

The first change to my schedule occurred on Monday, May 15th. Normally I would host a freelancer gathering at the Red Elm Café. This small gathering is called Freelance Fandango, and it runs from 11am until 1pm. However, I had to miss it because the Tacoma Art Commission scheduled an online video conference for all selected artists to create artwork wraps for crosswalk utility boxes. We were going to be instructed on how to file contracts and the measurements of the artwork. Representatives from the print company and the city were both there. After their presentation, I had several questions. The questions I raised inspired the other artists to ask for clarification on small specifics. I’m very glad I took the time to attend and didn’t rely on the recording of the event. I went onto Freelance Fandango’s Facebook page and saw that there was a fun turnout of people without me. Everyone complained about the lack of Kit Kats. 

 Another change to the schedule was Krista having to go into her office in Olympia on Wednesday. She does much better working at home. But, this was a council meeting, and it needed someone on-site to run events. 

 Thursday, I was busy prepping my bins for Crypticon. Crypticon is the largest horror-themed convention in Washington State and is held at a hotel in SeaTac, very near Sea-Tac airport. It runs three days, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. John Draper helped me on Friday. I spent a little extra to be in the vendor hall rather than the artists’ alley. Not only did I have a backdrop, but the vendor to my right put up a plywood wall between us. With their permission took advantage and draped a spare red tablecloth over it and then hung my shirts on it rather than the poster backdrop. The folks on my other side were a tattooist. He had people booked on his table throughout the entire event. I was grateful for John being there. I would have taken him out to dinner as a thank you. But when I sent him out at lunchtime for some sandwiches, he bought himself a sandwich for dinner. That was a good idea as the Crypticon show starts late and ends late. The vendor’s hall didn’t close until 8 pm. I dropped John off at nine and ate a small dinner with Krista when we got home. I would have to ask John if he had a chance to talk with any of the writers who were selling books at the show.

 Allen Gladfelter helped me on Saturday. Allen picked me up at eight, and we had breakfast at Little Jerry’s down the street. We didn’t have to rush and enjoyed a nicely paced breakfast. I’m not used to eating a big breakfast and was quite fortified. Allen was kind enough to use his car so that Krista could use our car to pick up plants and the like for her weekend activities. Allen has helped me at several conventions, and I can rely on him to pitch and sell items when I step away from the table. Allen is slowly getting items of his own to sell: books, prints, and stickers. So we added those to the display, and he made some sales.

 I allow myself to get one autograph when I’m at Crypticon. There were a lot of celebrities to choose from. This year I chose Dee Wallace. Dee Wallace is an Actress I’ve been following since the ’80s. Most people will remember her as the mom in “E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial.” She was also the lead actress in “The Howling” and” Cujo.” She’s been active for decades in both film and television. Most of the films have been horror films, so it was very easy for me to keep track of her. I left Allen at the table to see if the line for her autographs was short enough for Allen to get a signature for me. But I got lucky, and she was finishing up with a fan as I went to the table and chose a headshot from “The Howling” for her to sign. As she signed it, she asked if I’d be willing to toss in another $20 for a selfie with her. I couldn’t refuse! I could not get over what a small petite woman she was. And as she signed the photo, I complemented how well her most recent headshot looked. She then said, “Oh, let me give that to you for free.” And she signed it as well. So I had to do something for her. I went back to my table and drew a picture of her in the movie “Cujo,” where she is trapped in the car with the dog on the hood, trying to get in. I then went back and gave it to her when her line had quieted down. She laughed when she saw it. She then flipped through the book to where I drew a review of “E.T.” I’d compared the movie to a boy and his dog film. She laughed again and gave me a motherly slap on the shoulder like I had just tried to pull a fast one. “My husband is going to love this.” She told me.

 I have lots of friends who have tables at Crypticon. It’s hard for me to get time to visit them all. Elizabeth Guizzetti writes and illustrates books featuring vampires and aliens. Other artists I know who were in Artist Alley are Eli Wolff, Mark Brill, Chad Scheres, and Nick Gucker. I chose to be over in the vendor’s room this time and sat across from Jason Emmott and his wife at Evil Threads. I was worried that my friend Travis Bundy wasn’t going to be able to sit the entire convention because of back pain. But he has Kevin McCoy with him, and that lightened the load enough that he was able to manage all three days. I’d hoped to have my neighbor Pat Smith with me on Sunday, but he had other commitments. Thankfully I was able to manage by myself, and Crypticon is a very easy show to set and tear down as the car was parked very close by. The show was not as profitable as last year, but last year it was absolutely nuts! So, it’s tough to compare the two shows. I think I will still stay in the vendor’s hall because of the extra display options.

 My Uncle Bill, an identical twin to my father, moved to Shoreline, WA, on May 25th. I’m going to give him a call in a few days. I think his daughters are moving him into his apartment right now. I know that they were invited to a wedding. I believe it’s Cody Wagner’s wedding, a relative on his late wife’s side of the family.

 I was able to host Freelance Fandango this last Monday. There were seven of us in attendance: Britton Sukys, Corey Macourek, Stan Brown, Nori Kimura, Haley Waddington, Mark Brill and myself. Cory and Brill brought in movie poster art to show. Brittan brought comic and graphic novel art that he’s been working on. Brill brought in another art book. I asked everyone to submit suggestions for a new bingo game I’m creating. I made one for horror movie fans that is selling well, so I want to create one for Anime fans. By the end of the meeting, the whiteboard was filled with suggestions. These were erased, and then we all drew versions of the proposals. I brought a new KitKat flavor this week: Banana Caramel. It was voted one of the better flavors. I made sure to bring one home for Krista since she found the bag. I also have been giving a couple to the staff of the Red Elm Café as a thank you. They have been very generous in letting us use their meeting room for nothing more than the snacks and meals we buy.

 Once a month, I host another event, a drawing session at the Grand Cinema. We call it The Grand Drawing Room. It runs for two hours from 6-8pm. Attendance for this event has been filling the room. This month we had a cosplayer named Miriam as our model. One of my tasks is to position the model into interesting poses for the artists. We also changed the room’s layout this time, with the tables close to the sofa on which the artist stood and sat. Before, we had things arranged with the tables in rows, and late arrivals were stuck in the back rows. This month many of the artists brought friends who were in the back reading books and watching the group quietly draw. One of the artists approached me after the show and asked if she could be the cosplay model for next month. I've already posted the event announcement with her photo. I set up a Facebook page so everyone had a location where they could show off their artwork. You can see photos and sketches of our sessions at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1042279923844176

 Speaking of the Grand Cinemas, both Mark Brill and James Stowe did movie posters this week. Brill did a poster for “The Seven Samurai,” and Stowe did a poster for “Perfect Blue.” I gave the binders holding past posters to Brill before his on Thursday. I then retrieved them and took them to Stowe for his turn in the lobby on Friday. I sat with him and helped to keep track of sales. He sold more posters on Saturday. 

 There were several shows happening this weekend. I didn’t make it into the Punk Rock Flea Market. I was accepted off the waiting list for Tacoma’s Night Market, but by then, I’d already committed to doing the Tabletop Expo. But this week was up in the air as Krista and I weren’t sure if we’d be traveling or not. In the end, I did not table at the Table Top Expo, but Allen Gladfelter and Mark Brill did. Instead, Stowe and I carpooled up to Renton to be part of a panel. Polo, the organizer, asked me if I could line up some artists. Stowe and I stopped at The Cedar River Smokehouse for a BBQ lunch before we went to the expo. He had a chopped porked sandwich. I ordered the brisket sandwich. The owner came out and told us about some new sandwiches he was offering. Instead of a long bun, these would be on a round potato or onion bun, with coleslaw and pickles as part of the sandwich. I changed my order to it and was glad I did so; it was delicious. Stowe’s side selection was coleslaw, so he didn’t change his order. My side was macaroni and cheese. The extra carbs were delicious. Our panel was not as well attended as I had hoped. It was Stowe, Allen, and myself at the table with nobody in the audience. The show was very small and thinly attended. However, we turned on the microphones and made them loud enough that they could be heard over some of the expo hall and got into a discussion with each other. The debate lured our lone audience member into the room. He was joined by the organizer, and we had fun. Both Stowe and Allen are teachers and are looking forward to summer break so that they can hang out with the rest of their artist buddies. Stowe made sure to give me the Grand Cinema poster binders for safekeeping.

 Alley News

 My neighbor Pat Smith and I have gone on walks nearly every day, even on days when I’ve already gone on a walk with Krista. Pat taught me a couple of Pokemon Go this week. He called me up yesterday to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I turned him down as I was busy out in the yard with the weed whacker. The replacement for the battery I ordered still is being processed. I wonder if they discovered that all of their stock is filled with faulty batteries. In the meantime, I’m stuck using the weedwhacker. I tried the push mover, but the grass was too long for it to function easily. It’s been sitting idle for several years, and I’m sure the blades need sharpening. Krista bought plants. She’s also been planting seeds and cuttings that she nurtured over the winter. We should be getting some vegetables soon. Judy Martin is sitting outside on her carport now that the weather is warmer. The Smiths are over at her house a couple of times each day. We were yelling at each other not to give away any spoilers, as today was the last day of the Sumo Tournament. Krista and I have gotten our neighbors addicted to watching sumo.

 I had some dreams:

May 14

#IDreamt time-traveling teenagers from the future infiltrated high schools in the past. Rather than murder, they assassinated would-be politicians’ characters with rumor, innuendo, and such.

 May 15

#IDreamt I was a runaway youth who was also a material witness. I was bad at faces but good at remembering badge numbers. I ran from the police assigned to my transportation because they had black tape over their badge numbers.

 May 16

#IDreamt that I could tell when one dream stopped and another began. My brain then had the option of rewinding the dream for two minutes to change the ending.

 May 17

#IDreamt While doing an old friend a favor, I walked into a plot to blow up a wealthy oil magnate while he was getting drunk at a club. I think I was the only sober one there, but high school chemistry was a long time ago.

 May 18

#IDreamt Barack Obama wanted to hire me to do a graphic novel. He’d hired another artist who did it, but his advisors didn’t like it. I looked at it and saw it was superior to what I could do and told him so. He still wanted to do it.

 May 19

#IDreamt creating a space station with a functioning pool was less of a challenge than you would think. The surprise was in water in the pool becoming sentient a few decades later.

 May 22

#IDreamt I was meeting my sister at Steam Engine Station’s Cafe, where she went to get a Latte. I found her flirting with a young Marlon Brando. I wondered if we were in the afterlife, and I was just slow in figuring it out.

 May 23

I dreamt I was at a client’s convention, searching through two flash drives for images to insert into a PowerPoint presentation mere minutes before their time slot was scheduled.

 May 24

#IDreamt David Hasselhoff was celebrating his birthday by giving away fried chicken at a seaside bar. He was also signing his autograph. He was behaving just like he did in “Piranha 3DD”.

 May 25

#IDreamt after its debut at a county fair, the Rat-Bait Guitar was remarked as a dog’s chew toy (minus the rat poison). Sales soared after a TikTok video showed a dog being a music critic.

 May 26

I dreamt I took a large cedar tree pole to a lumberyard and haggled with them over its value.

 May 28

#IDreamt I was mistaken for a spy and found myself wearing an exosuit that could mimic my physical appearance and completely protect me. The drawback was I couldn’t take it off. And it could mess with my mind by feeding me false info.

   I read a couple of books:

 “Paperback From Hell: The Twisted Story of ’70s and ’80s Twisted Horror Fiction” by Grady Hendrix, Rating: 10

I was a voracious reader from an early age. As a teenager and college student, I consumed 3-5 books a week, often re-reading my favorites. And I was a horror fan. It never occurred to me that these decades would be the heyday for such books. As I flipped through the pages, I was amazed. I pointed to the covers and said, “I read this one, and this one, and this one, and this one. Oh, and this one too.” I’ve been showing this book to my friends, and they asked if I’ve read any of the ones featured. They chortle when I confess I’ve read most of them. They become intrigued. I don’t know why. A lot of those books were completely trashy! Most of them were! But I couldn’t get enough of their gory, nightmare-fueling contents. Now I’m using it as a reference to hunt down books at the used bookstore. These aren’t titles you will find in the audiobook section of the library. My niece, who bought me this book as a gift, was intrigued and might get herself a copy.

 “Sacrament” by Clive Barker, Rating:7

There was less goo and grisel than I was expecting. And since I kept expecting it, I was kept on edge. It wasn’t until I was halfway through the book that I settled on the rhythm the author established for the story. That was a bit of relief. I hadn’t read a horror novel in a while. I first started to read Barker in the ’80s when horror was a bit extreme in themes, description, and insane writing decisions. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to wade up to my hips in gore and goop. That’s not to say that there is a lack of some disturbing images. I enjoyed hearing Mr. Barker’s storytelling voice again.

 I’ve watched some movies

 53. May 16

No Man of Her Own (1932) Rating: 7

It’s quite possible I watched this film when I was a kid, that is, if they allowed pre-code movies on television. The romance angle must have left me flat if I had watched it before. I was probably more interested in the card shark aspects. As an adult, I enjoyed it for many reasons. I got to think about how much better movies were pre-code when the innuendo allowed for more salaciousness. I enjoyed it as it was the only time the two leads worked together, even though they would marry years later. And I enjoyed it because of the character actors and the wonderful sets. These early films kindle my nostalgia. I watched it on a Netflix DVD.

 54. May 18

Ted (2012) Rating: 7

There comes a time when you realize you’ve watched the same clips from a movie so many times that had you spent that same amount of time just watching the film, you would have seen the whole thing by now. So, before I started to get my Ted clips confused with Ted 2 clips, and before the rumored Ted 3 came out, I thought I should see the film. Why haven’t I seen this film? Perhaps it’s because I don’t smoke pot, drink beer, or make jokes about hookers. And having met Sam J. Jones, I can tell you my reaction to the experience was very much like that in the movie - minus the cocaine. I watched it on Amazon Prime.

 55. May 24

The Deadly Mantix (1956) Rating: 6

Do you want to see a giant mantis? This is the film for you. It also comes with lots of stock footage of air force planes. There’s also a lot of footage of civilian airforce spotters. Perhaps a thank you for all their hard work in looking for airplanes that never appeared during WWII. The danger of the cold war was made abundantly clear with multiple references to the various lines of defense against “the threat” against “us.” I watched it on a DVD from my personal collection.

 Not a movie, but an Anime series on Netflix I finished watching:

Junji Ito Maniac: Japanese Tales of the Macabre (2023) Rating: 6

I lived in Japan for a year back in 1979 before Anime and Manga started to influence American culture. But I got hooked on it while I was there, and I was particularly fascinated by their spooky tales, which differed in their approach to horror. This collection captures the weirdness of their horror.

 Songs I woke up with in my head:

“Honky Tong Women” by the Rolling Stones

“Royals” by Pentatonix

 “Here Comes The Sun” by the Beatles

“The Distance” by Cake

“Tusk” by Fleetwood Mac

 More next week,

Mark

[candycritic]

A Look Back At My Reviews In 2022

For the first time ever, I've decided to compile some statistics about all of the candy reviews that I posted in 2022. All together I managed to post 71 new reviews on candycritic.org. That's not bad considering my goal is to make sure that I post at least one new review a week. It's very good when one considers that there was an entire month when I could not post any new reviews due to technical problems.

I've already posted a video with a list of the highest rated and lowest rated candies I've reviewed this year, but below are some interesting bonus statistics about all the candy I discovered in 2022:

The brand I reviewed most: Hershey's with 8 reviews. It makes sense since we managed to visit the US twice this year, including one fairly long road trip.

Place I got my candy this year: More than half of the candies I reviewed were from North America. This is likely because I was back in Canada for most of the year, as well as the above mentioned visits to the US.

Most common type of candy I reviewed: Candy bars were the most common type of candy I reviewed this year with 19 candy bar reviews added.

I ate mostly Kit Kat bars this year: I reviewed 5 Kit Kat bars this year, a big part of that was the discovery of a new Asian grocery store in Ottawa that had a decent selection of Japanese Kit Kat bars.

I feel like it was a great year for candy, and with my recent relocation to South East Asia and the fact that travel is starting to open up again, I really feel like 2023 is going to be an interesting year for candy reviews on candycritic.org. Let me know if there are any treats you'd like to see featured for review, even if you're the company that makes them.

Always keep up with all my new reviews by following me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.

CC

from Candy Critic https://ift.tt/NcVZjxd via IFTTT

[disengaged]

ok its like 9pm and im in a troubled state. someone talk me out of giving myself yet another shitty stick n poke

[tsukishumai]

First Kiss Scenarios- Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, Matsukawa (Aoba Johsai edition!)

OIKAWA –

The weather was particularly beautiful when Oikawa had taken you out to see the cherry blossoms. One 25 minutes train ride had taken the two of you to a park you had never been to before, but Oikawa had told you about many times.  

This was probably the fourth weekend in a row that Oikawa had shown up at your door, insisting that you go and get ready because there’s this place that he just /has/ to take you to.

You take one look at his face, always plastered with excitement, and there’s just no way that you could say no.

Oikawa is fidgeting next to you; if he wasn’t pulling at the hem of his shirt, he was tugging his collar, or running shaky fingers through his brown hair.

“Are you alright?” you asked, and he jumped at your voice, nodding as his cheeks begin to flush.

“Yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t I be? You… look really nice today.”

You brush your fingers at the new accessory that draped across your neck; a sunflower pendant that hung from a golden chain, smiling at the memory of Oikawa stuttering as he insisted you wore it for today’s outing.

“Thanks… What’s got you all blushy blushy?” “I am /not/!” “You look like a tomatokawa!”

He shoved you lightly, chuckling as you stumbled to the side. “You can’t just add –kawa to any word, that’s not very creative.” You smiled, making your way back next to him and looping an arm through his. “It’s worked pretty well for me so far.”

 Oikawa stilled next to you, stopping his footsteps abruptly. You were about to question him, but instead, admired the view of cherry blossoms dancing around in circles as the wind blew around you.

“It’s really beautiful up here. Thank you for taking me –“ “Willyoubemygirlfriend?”

You blinked once. “What?”

You watched Oikawa turn an impossible shade of red, stumbling over his words as he tried to pick the right ones to say. You never thought you’d see the “Great King” Oikawa, usually so smooth and suave, turned into a stuttering, blubbering mess and you thought it might just be the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. “Shit, I messed that up. Wait, let me start over, I had a speech, if you could just – “

You pulled him down by the collar he had been messing with the whole morning, and placed a soft kiss on his lips, smirking in satisfaction when you see his eyes widen.

“Yes, I will be your girlfriend.”

IWAIZUMI –

You have always loved watching Iwaizumi play.

You’ve known Iwaizumi since you were first years; he was assigned to be your lab partner, and the two of you hit it off so well, you’ve been friends ever since.

In class, he was a quiet student that always had the answer whenever sensei asked him a question, turned in his work on time, and actually pulled his weight during group projects.

Out of class, he was your friend that ate lunch with you, walked you home, made fun of you every chance he got, helped you study when you were about to fail chemistry.

During a game though… he was a completely different beast, and just the sight of him was enough to make your body feel like it’s on fire.

You usually try to ignore your growing feelings for Iwaizumi, but when you see him out on the court in his uniform, with his amazing receives and powerful spikes, you can’t help but let your eyes linger on him just a little longer.

It was match point for Seijoh, and you could feel the tension in the air so thick, you couldn’t breathe.

You watched as Oikawa points a finger at Iwaizumi, setting the ball perfectly for him.

Three blockers lock in on Iwaizumi, but that only made the ace’s eyes harden, and you felt butterflies making a home for themselves in your belly

Iwaizumi jumps, and the next thing you heard was a loud slam, your eyes barely able to follow the powerful spike that the opposing team had no chance of blocking.

The crowd around you celebrates as you run down towards the court, cheeks aching from the huge smile on your face that got only wider as you see Iwaizumi get jumped by his teammates.

“Congratulations Iwa-chan!” You yell, and his eyes snap around until they finally land on you.

He gets out of his teammates grips, the last thing you see was his grin before he sweeps you up in his arms and locking your lips in a kiss.

You were shocked for only one moment before you return his excitement with your own.

“Jesus Christ, get a room!” you hear his teammates, but at that moment, you couldn’t give damn.

HANAMAKI –

Hanamaki had been your best friend since junior high.

You were reminded of that so abruptly when you get a call from Iwaizumi to pick him up from the after-game party at Oikawa’s house, saying Hanamaki’s been looking for you like some lost puppy. The party that you just left an hour ago, asking Hanamaki if he’s sure he doesn’t want to come with you, but he insisted it was okay to leave him because he was going to be just fine.

“Why you walking so fast,” Hanamaki slurred

“Because it’s late, and I want to go home, Makki.” You can’t lie, you were a little buzzed yourself, which is what prompted you to head home early in the first place. “You’re lucky Oikawa lives just a few blocks down.”

“Come on, y/n,” he bugged you, intentionally slowing down your movements by rooting his feet down where he stood. “Slow down,” he slid his hand down your arm to intertwine it with your fingers, “Let’s enjoy the walk.”

You let him lead the way, footsteps moving at a glacial pace. His eyes were closed, and he had a certain glow about him, his shoulders slumped in a way you haven’t seen in a while.

“Open your eyes, you idiot,” you say with joking tone, “You’re going to trip over.”

“No, I won’t, I have you to guide me.”

You rolled your eyes, moving to loosen your fingers from his grip, but he just tightened it.

“Stop,” he said when he noticed what you were trying to do, “Just let me hold your hand.”

The fluttering in your stomach doesn’t stop, witnessing the side to your best friend that you rarely got to see.

The two of you finally get to your house, the one that stood directly to the left of Makki’s. He stood facing you at the gate, preparing to part ways.

“You gonna be able to make it all the way over there by yourself?” You joked, and he stared down at you with clouded eyes.

You stared back at him, frozen as you watched his eyelids slip close and he lowered his head to place a chaste kiss on your lips.

“Good night,” he said, taking a step back and stumbling towards the direction of his own home. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” you hear him mutter.

You stand at the entrance of your gate until you see that Makki has safely made it inside his own. Suddenly you let out a shaky breath you didn’t know you were holding, slowly lifting your fingers up to your lips.

You chuckled, finally heading inside to get ready for bed, wondering if Makki is going to remember that in the morning.

MATSUKAWA –

People usually have the wrong impression of Matsukawa – they say he’s intimidating, and quite scary looking.

But in reality, he is just one giant 6’2” goof ball.

“What the hell,” he teased you on your usual walk home. “Who the hell eats Kit Kat like that?!”

You just smile, laughing at how easy it is to rile him up.

“What? They present it in one rectangular bar, so what’s the problem?” you peel back the wrapper of your favorite chocolate.

“No, you��re supposed to break off the individual pieces!”

You take one big bite out of the entire Kit Kat, fighting the urge to burst out laughing when Matsukawa just stared at you in horror.

“You… you just want to watch the world burn.”

This time, you actually did laugh, and Matsukawa thought he was hearing music.

“It’s just chocolate, what does it matter how I eat it, as long as it gets eaten?” “I can’t believe I actually like someone as psychotic as you.”

The both of you stopped walking; you, trying to register what Matsukawa just said, and Matsukawa trying to understand why the hell he just said that.

“You… like me?”

A small smile began to appear on your mouth, one that only grew wider as Matsukawa just got redder. He was trying to avoid your stare, and the first words that came out of his mouth came in a stutter.

“Ye – Uh – Well – Hey, look, is that Makki?”

You raise your brow and turn around, getting more confused when you see that there was no one around.

You turn your head back only to see Matsukawa’s face mere millimeters from yours. You inhaled sharply, holding your breath while Matsukawa gave you a second to move away. When you didn’t, he lowered his head and placed a gentle kiss on your lips.

“Yeah,” he said nonchalantly, placing both his hands in his pockets. “I do like you.”

He walked ahead of you, leaving you a flustered mess.

[let-it-raines]

What a Lie We’re In (1/3)

All Emma was doing was trying to be nice. Her roommate didn’t have anywhere to go, so she invited him home for the holidays. She thought it would be fine and Killian would be a good buffer for a week at home with her parents. That is until her ex-boyfriend showed up, and while she was freaking out, Killian told him they were dating.

That would have been fine except her parents overheard it.

(A Christmas Fake Dating AU)

Rating: Mature 

a/n: What? A holiday fake dating story? So original, you say? No one has ever done it before? Especially not me. lol. Forget all of that, and let’s jump into this trope-a-palooza of a holiday story!

Big thank you to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading over this and convincing me that I still know how to write ❤️

ao3: | HERE |

-/-

“Did you eat all of my candy?”

Emma opens another cabinet, looking inside to the wine glasses and tumblers, before closing it. She’s been keeping her bag of candy in the cabinet where they keep their plates and bowls, hidden at the very top behind some reusable water bottles. Killian is a healthy eater, always stocking the fridge with fruits and vegetables and food she doesn’t think is actually real food, so she didn’t think she had to hide her junk food that well.

Hide it, yes. Hide it well, no.

Until now.

“What was that, love?”

Emma slams another cabinet closed and turns to look at Killian. He’s walking out of the bathroom, chest still damp, and only has a white towel wrapped around his waist. When he first moved into the apartment six months ago after Ruby abandoned Emma to go live with Dorothy (live with, get married to, same thing), Emma was taken aback by the lack of clothes wearing Killian partakes in. He’s an attractive man. She’s not blind. He goes to the gym as often as she does, but mostly, he spends a lot of time doing heavy lifting at his job as a contractor since he apparently likes to be hands-on, literally. His body is toned, and the son of the bitch knows it. He also knows he’s got the face to be able to get away with a lot of…well, a lot.

At first, it was all disconcerting, but now, he could walk around with his dick out and Emma wouldn’t care.

What she cares about is where her candy is. That’s the real priority. But she knows Killian will try to use his lack of clothes to distract her. Never worked in the past, not gonna work now, bud.

“My candy,” Emma repeats. “Where is it?”

He wipes behind his ear with the small towel in his hand. “I wouldn’t touch the stuff. You don’t like the good candy.”

“Well, my good candy has been moved, and we’re the only two people who live here.”

Emma places her hands on her hips, staring him down hoping he will somehow be intimidated by her stare and fess up to everything. He won’t be, but Emma can try. They both have their tactics.

Killian clicks his tongue. “What about the fellow you brought home last week?”

“Do you mean the plumber?”

“Was that who he was?”

“You know I don’t bring guys back here.” Emma moves from the counter and opens the fridge, taking out a handful of grapes from the fridge. She probably needs to eat some of them and not candy anyway. As she pops one into her mouth, that’s when it clicks. “Your girlfriend ate my candy, didn’t she?”

He scoffs and keeps drying his hair, but she sees the way he scratches his ear. Gotcha, Jones. “I don’t believe I have a girlfriend.”

“What? Tink break up with you because you wouldn’t let her eat dessert on your dates? Wait, I heard it. Don’t make it dirty.” Killian walks toward her, getting in her space, and she knows him well enough to know he wants her to flinch, to move, to stop her line of questioning. That’s exactly why she doesn’t want to. Emma pops another grape in her mouth. “Did you eat my candy? Was it your way of wallowing? It’s okay if you did. I’ll take another bag for payment.”

“For your information, Swan,” he whispers as he places his hand on her hip, “we are no longer seeing each other, but it was mutual. She did, however, eat your candy when she was last here. If you really want to know, we used it to – ”

“Stop,” Emma groans, pushing him away and running to the other side of the kitchen. “Nope. Don’t take that any further. Some things should be left private.”

His head tilts back as he laughs, the underside of his jaw black with stubble, and then he’s reaching into the cabinet above the fridge and tossing her the bag of sweets.

Oh.

“I hid it after Will and Rob found it while we were playing cards last night. Will nearly went through all your milk duds before I realized what was happening.” He raises his brow. “You have something you want to say to me?”

Emma knows what he’s aiming for, and she isn’t going to give it to him.

“Yeah,” Emma says, “you need a thicker towel. I don’t think you want people seeing you when you look like…that.” She nods her head down and then picks up a handful of Kit Kats. “I gotta go to work.”

“Off to die inside at your cubicle, love?”

“Oh, you know it.”

Emma grabs her purse and unlocks the door only to hear Killian speak. “It’s December. How do you still have Halloween candy leftover?”

Emma shrugs. “I bought one bag to pass out to kids, two bags for me.”

“Bloody brilliant.”

“I do what I can. See you tonight. I’ll try not to wake you up from your nap when I come in.”

“That would be the least you could do.”

Emma rolls her eyes, but then she’s officially walking out the door of her apartment and down toward the elevator, a Kit Kat bar hanging out of the side of her mouth.

The thing about Killian Jones is that he’s simple to her.

He likes his friends, his job, his rum, and his women. There’s not much else to him, and Emma is okay with that. While her last roommate was her best friend, this one doesn’t have to be. He can just be a guy who pays the bills so she can keep living in a nice place and who, on occasion, talks shit about other people with her while they binge watch TV.

That’s all she needs.

And all and all, Killian Jones is a…fine roommate. Yeah, fine is an accurate way to describe him at least eighty percent of the time.

Even if she does get annoyed when he brings his dates home. But that’s only because it’s always on the nights she plans on going to bed early, and the noise of other people being around keeps her from catching up on sleep.

Emma is not one to mess around on sleep.

But yeah, he’s fine. Annoying as hell over half the time, but he’s fine in the small dosages she sees him in. He works odd hours, isn’t always on the job, and she is stuck with regular hours in her office. There’s not a lot of glory in working HR for a small engineering company, but that’s what happens when you make dumbass decisions like Emma did. She’s lucky she has a stable job. She’ll try not to complain too much about it.

That’s what she tells herself every morning when she sits in her car and stares at the drab brick building.

Money. She has to make money.

And hey, she gets almost an entire week off for Christmas next week, and that’s fucking incredible, even if she does have to spend it in her hometown with her parents and their Hallmark-like attitude toward the holiday and the events it puts on. Her mom is a teacher at the elementary school and produces the Christmas play every year while her dad is a vet and outfits all his patients in little holiday bandanas and bows. He even has a tree in his office decorated with bone ornaments.

It’s…a lot. But it’s family, and as Emma stares at this building that’s sucking the life out of her, she can’t wait to have a change of pace and some home-cooked meals, even if there are as many downsides as upsides to going home. Her Kit Kat bars aren’t giving her the nutrients she knows she needs.

Being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes, especially when going home for the holidays is seen as more of a burden than a gift with a fancy bow on top. It’s more like that turkey that dries up and falls to pieces in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Well, that and the squirrel crashing every decoration in the house.

Happy holidays.

-/-

“Nah, mate, I don’t have any plans.”

Emma quietly puts her keys down on the table next to her front door, laying her purse down with it, and she kicks her boots off until they topple over each other and lay in the middle of the hallway. She can hear Killian talking, and it gets even louder when she walks into the kitchen and turns on the coffee maker.

“No, no, well, you know, I rarely do anything, not since Liam.” There’s a pause as the coffee begins to percolate and Emma grabs another Kit Kat from her bag. “I went home with Milah once, but that was years ago…no, mate, it’s alright. I don’t mind staying here by myself…yeah, I think Emma is going home to her parents.”

And that’s when she realizes what Killian is talking about.

Christmas plans.

He doesn’t have any. Emma didn’t know that. She didn’t really bother to ask. She doesn’t bother to ask much of Killian. She picks up pieces here and there, as she’s sure he does to her, but they mind their own business.

He doesn’t have a family to go home to? She knows he’s originally from England, but still. There must be someone.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Killian says. “I promise if I need anything, I’ll let you know. Alright, bye Scarlet.”

The coffee finishes, and Emma picks the pot up and starts pouring, filling her large mug halfway before getting hazelnut creamer out of the fridge and making the coffee drinkable. Killian joins her in the kitchen and perches himself on one of their stools.

“Good day at work?” he asks.

“Eh, it was a day. You?”

He shrugs. “The same. I’m finishing up on this house tomorrow, hopefully, so tomorrow will be a good day.”

Emma nods and sips on her coffee as Killian taps his fingers on the counter, the rhythm the same as the song he usually hums when cooking. “So, when are you heading for Storybrooke?” he asks.

“Monday after work.” Killian nods and keeps tapping his fingers, and Emma, stupidly opens her mouth because despite what her exes have told her, she does apparently have a heart. “If you don’t have any plans and have off work, you’re welcome to come with me. My parents are always thrilled to welcome more people. Just be prepared, it’s like a Hallmark movie up there.”

His eyes widen, the blue lighting up, and his upper lip starts to quiver, laughter very obviously waiting to break through. Dammit, why the hell did she decide to be nice? This is going to give him all of the wrong ideas.

“Why, Swan,” he smirks, leaning forward and resting his chin in his propped-up hand, “are you inviting me home for the holidays with you? You’ve been harboring a crush this entire time, haven’t you? I can’t say I’m surprised. I see the way you look at me when I finish up in the bathroom. Don’t be ashamed of it. Most women find me attractive.”

Emma flicks Killian’s forehead, and really, he should be thrilled she didn’t dump her hot coffee on his lap like she wanted to.

“I was just trying to be nice. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it.” Emma rolls her eyes and turns on her heels to walk away. She is going to her room. She doesn’t have to put up with his shit. “Forget I even offered.”

“Wait, wait, Swan.” Emma’s shoulders tense, and she doesn’t turn around. “Are you serious about your offer?”

“I mean, it would have some conditions in that you are a slightly less obnoxious version of yourself, but yeah, if you don’t have anywhere else to go, you can come home with me.”

“I’d like that.” Emma twists around, trying to size him up, and for once, everything seems genuine. “I have a condition as well.”

Idiot. “What could your condition possibly be?”

He winks, and she already knows this is going to have her eyes rolling so far into the back of her head they get stuck there. “Don’t go falling in love with me.”

What a cheesy ass sarcastic line.

“In your dreams, Jones.”

What the hell has she gotten herself into? This is absolutely the last time she lets her conscience guilt her into doing something nice. Emma was already going to be miserable, but now she’s miserable with a buffer.

At least her mom will be happy getting to go into hostess mode.

-/-

In the days leading up to them leaving for Storybrooke, Emma convinces herself Killian is going to back out of the trip. He’ll realize this is awkward and not a good idea. They live together, sure, but they don’t actually know each other. They’re not close friends.

But Killian never backs out. Instead he asks her things like what the weather is like there, if her parents drink wine, if he needs to bring his own bedding. He asks a million questions a day, and they continue when they’re in her bug making the drive from Boston to Storybrooke. He wants to know what her parents do for a living, what their hobbies are, pretty much everything someone needs to know when they’re about to spend half a week in the house of strangers.

Strangers who don’t actually know they’re having someone stay at their house to awkwardly sit on the sidelines as Emma’s family celebrates the holidays and has their usual holiday arguments.

Yeah, Emma didn’t ever tell her parents Killian was coming. She knows her mom well enough to know the moment Emma mentioned bringing someone home, her mom would have stopped listening before Emma could explain that it was just her roommate. It would have been this whole big thing, and Emma knows she can handle explaining it better in person when she can snap her mom out of getting excited about nothing.

Plus, who doesn’t want a Christmas surprise?

(Emma doesn’t.)

After Killian stops being one of those obnoxious kids who never stops asking questions, they sit in relative silence for the car ride, music entertaining them, and little by little, cities fade away and more trees pop up, evergreen forests surrounding them. It’s always the sign for Emma that she’s leaving her life and going back to her old one.

That and the “Welcome to Storybrooke” sign.

Everything about the town is the same. The buildings are small and kind of dingy downtown, and when she passes Granny’s, she bets those onion rings are the same too. God, she hopes they are. This is probably the only thing that can get her through this week. She should have texted Ruby and made sure her grandmother hadn’t changed any of the recipes. If she had, Emma definitely would have stayed home.

People walk down the sidewalk all bundled up in their coats and scarves, saying hello and chatting with others they pass. It’s the opposite of Boston where Emma can go her entire day without having to say hello to someone, and a little shiver runs down her spine at the thought. She needs to get out of here as soon as possible and to the isolation of her parents’ farmhouse, even if that presents her a new set of problems.

Storybrooke, Maine is, decidedly, not Emma’s favorite place for a hell of a lot of different reasons.

Killian, though, seems to be taking it all in with the wonder and confusion of someone who has never lived in a small town like this and who is a bit shell-shocked.

Get used to it, buddy.

“Oh, hey, one more thing,” Emma sighs as she pulls up to her parents’ street a few minutes later. “My real last name is Nolan. I changed it after high school, so my parents’ names are Nolan. The whole ‘Swan’ thing is a sticky situation for them even though it’s my mom’s maiden name.”

Killian’s eyes narrow, and she has definitely shared too much about herself now. “Am I allowed to ask or…”

“No. just try not to call me ‘Swan’ around them.”

“Whatever your heart desires, love.”

Emma slows down as the road turns from paved to loose gravel leading up to their driveway. There are several cars parked alongside it, and either they now own extra cars or her parents have friends over. Great. Just what she needed. Other people around when she’s coming home and surprising her parents with a guest. At least Killian will likely be that buffer she keeps hoping he’ll be.

They get out of her car, and Emma pops the trunk for them to get their bags. Killian grabs the bigger ones despite her arguing with him about it, but she’s fine to just carry her purse and the bag with presents. Emma closes the trunk, slamming it shut, and squares her shoulders.

This is fine. This is all fine.

Until ten steps later, it’s not.

Her parents have this incredible wraparound porch with swings and rocking chairs, and sitting in one of them is Neal Cassidy.

What the hell?

She doesn’t…she can’t…why is he here? He has no right to be here, no business being here, and seeing his face makes her want to vomit.

It makes her want to cry, too, but Emma can’t give him the satisfaction.

Instead, she’d like to sink into the dirt and never emerge again.

“Shit,” Emma mumbles, stopping and turning toward Killian who is looking down at her with an arched brow. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“What is it?”

God, she can’t believe she has to tell this to him. It’s too many pieces of her past in too short a period of time. This isn’t something she ever wanted to talk about again and certainly not to Killian. She was really hoping she never had to see Neal’s face again.

Honestly, she never considered it to be a possibility.

If only.

“That guy sitting on my porch is an ex of mine. And I’m talking about a bad ex, not one of those who you can be friends with afterward.”

“What the bloody hell is he doing here then?” Killian looks over her head to look at Neal, but Emma grabs his hand and yanks on it until he looks at her. “What?”

“Don’t look at him,” she hisses. “I don’t know what he’s doing here, but I’m sure it has something to do with my parents. Just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Do we need to turn around?”

“No, no, that’s pathetic. Just…maybe he’s going to leave soon, and it’ll be a quick hello and then I never have to see his face again. Let’s get it over with.”

“If you’re sure, Sw – Emma.”

“I’m sure.”

She’s not sure at all. Mostly, she wants to take Killian’s suggestion and run far, far away.

Once more, Emma braces her shoulders, and she moves forward. If she stops and thinks too much, she’ll chicken out. It’s how she is. If she thinks about something for too long, it ruins every bit of courage she has. Now isn’t the moment for that when this week is one that makes her need courage.

Maybe, Emma realizes, she didn’t invite Killian here just to be nice. Maybe she needed that buffer to keep her old demons at bay, even if just barely, and that was her motivation all along.

That really makes her asshole of the year. Well, after Neal. She hasn’t seen him in years, but he still gets the asshole of the year award.

Neal sees her before she can get to the front steps. He rises from the rocking chair and moves toward her. He looks older now. He was always older than her, but she can actually see it now. There’s gray in his beard and more lines on his forehead. His features are similar, but she swears there’s an eeriness to his eyes and a lie to his smile. Maybe those were always there, but Emma imagines she was blind to it all when she loved him.

Amazing how opening her eyes to love blinded her to so much else.

“Emma? Is that you?”

No, jackass, it’s some other blonde woman walking into her parents house.

“Hi, Neal.” She forces a smile that she knows is awkward, but he was never good at reading her enough to know the difference between a real smile and a fake one. “What are you doing here?”

“You’ve just seen me for the first time in half a decade, and your first question is what I’m doing here? Nice to see you too, Ems.”

It’s illegal to murder, Emma, she reminds herself. You don’t want to end up in jail because of him.

“It’s my parents’ house. I’m supposed to be here. You’re not. So, again, what are you doing here?”

He shrugs and ignores her. “Who’s this?”

Emma turns to Killian who is staring ahead, his jaw clenched, and he speaks before she gets a chance to. “Killian Jones,” he begins, dropping a bag and reaching forward to shake Neal’s hand, “Emma’s boyfriend.”

Emma nearly chokes on her own air and possibly her own lungs and whatever else is down there, and she’s stuck. Her brain and her feet and especially her mouth are all stuck. What the hell is he doing?

“Emma’s boyfriend,” Neal repeats, his voice incredulous like the fact that she could have a boyfriend is ludicrous to him. “Really?”

“For awhile now,” Killian lies. Wow. Has he always been this good of a liar? “It’s nice to meet you, but I think Emma and I need to get inside and put our stuff away. It’s been a long drive.”

Neal nods, but Emma catches his eyes glance over at her. What was that? “I understand. I need to get my fiancée from inside, but then we’ll be on our way.”

Fiancée?

Neal has a fiancée? Who is in her parents’ house?

What kind of upside down hell has she walked into and how does she reverse time and get back to the place where things are normal?

“Nice seeing you,” Emma lies, but Neal is already walking inside, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him as if it’s his house to go into. She quickly turns to Killian and hopes her face conveys the “what the hell” look she’s going for. And in case it doesn’t, she hisses, “what the fuck was that?”

“Forgive me, love, but you obviously didn’t want to see that man, and I figured there wouldn’t be any harm in saying that. You weren’t planning on ever seeing him again, aye?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“So what’s the harm in him thinking you have a devilishly handsome new boyfriend?”

Emma rolls her eyes, ready to take the piss out of him, when her mother comes running out the front door.

“Emma, you brought a boyfriend home?”

Well, that’s the harm, Jones.

-/-

Emma tries explaining to her parents that Killian isn’t really her boyfriend, that he’s just her roommate who came home with her because he doesn’t have any family, but she never really gets the chance with Neal still hanging around. That would be mortifying, so she rolls with it, hoping that she can clear it all up sooner rather than later.

But Neal never seems to leave.

His fiancée, Tamara, apparently teaches with Emma’s mom, and from the looks of it, they’re great friends. She can’t imagine any other reason why her parents would let Neal Cassidy in their house, but then again, they have always been great at doing the exact opposite of what’s good for her. It’s torture, and as the night goes on, it seems like it’s never going to end.

When are they going to leave?

When can she stop listening to Killian falsify their life?

She’s got to say that he’s fantastic at taking truths and turning them into lies. According to him, they met when he became her roommate (true) and got to know each other as friends first (eh, a half-truth). Then, slowly, feelings started to develop in the little moments, and they decided to give their relationship a chance (unequivocally false).

He’s got this uncanny ability to make everything feel…not ridiculous. She doesn’t know the word she’s searching for, but she’s sure as hell that Killian could find it and incorporate it into a story to make everyone here think they’re in love.

Emma has no clue how they’re going to get out of this without her parents being heartbroken because Emma can see the hope and happiness in her mom’s eyes. She’s over the moon. Her dad, however, doesn’t seem to be.

Of course this is how it goes. Her mom is thrilled because she’s not a spinster, and her dad is upset because she’s not a spinster.

“So what do you do, Killian?” he asks. “You need a roommate apparently.”

“Dad,” Emma hisses, wanting to sink into the couch, especially because she knows she’s the one who needs the roommate and not Killian. “Don’t.”

“What? I’m not allowed to ask about the man who my daughter is dating?”

“You are, but you’re not allowed to interrogate him.”

Killian places his hand over Emma’s on her thigh, and God, this really is the worst night. Why do people have to go home to family on the holidays? At least she didn’t automatically flinch at the feeling of Killian’s hand on hers.

“I’m a contractor,” Killian tells her dad. “I used to work with my brother. It’s his business, but I’m the head on projects now. It’s hard and unpredictable sometimes when my job is to make it predictable, but it’s good work. There’s a lot of good new housing popping up in the neighborhoods outside of Boston. Beautiful new construction.”

“What happened to your brother?” her mom asks.

Killian’s hand tightens over hers while his other hand scratches behind his ear. “Liam passed last year. Car accident.”

Mary Margaret places her hands over her chest while Neal and Tamara look at each other, obviously ready to go. Emma, meanwhile, tries not to act shocked. She should know this. She should know that he had a brother who died. She’s heard him talk about Liam before, but she thought…she thought he was alive, just that he lived really, really far away or something like that.

“I’m so sorry, Killian,” Mary Margaret sighs.

“Thank you, Ms. Nolan.”

Silence falls in the room, and it feels like a lot of her time in high school when she got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. At least now she can have alcohol or drive away. One or the other, though, obviously.

Or she can go back to that sinking into the ground thing. That seemed like a good idea.

“Oh, would you look at the time,” Tamara sighs with a clap of her hands. “Honey, we need to go.”

“Won’t you stay for dinner?” Mary Margaret asks.

What the hell, Mom?

“We really have to go,” Tamara insists. “It was nice seeing you guys, though.”

“Oh, it was wonderful seeing you, sweetie. Good luck in New York. You’re going to be great at your new job.” Mary Margaret hugs Tamara. “Nice seeing you as well, Neal. You’ll fit right in, but I know your dad will miss you.”

Emma is so busy trying to take in all of this brand new information that she doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation. Through blurred vision, she sees her mom hug Neal, and yeah, Emma wants to go home. She wants to go back to her apartment where she doesn’t have to put up with this kind of shit.

Where there’s no Neal and his fiancée and especially where her mom isn’t hugging her asshole of an ex and treating him like he’s a good person.

There’s a squeeze on her hand and suddenly, Killian’s fingers are wrapping around hers. That’s when everything snaps back, and she realizes Neal is telling her goodbye.

“Yeah, bye,” Emma mutters, putting on that fake smile again.

“Maybe we could go for lunch while I’m still in town,” he suggests.

Emma bites her tongue to keep from scoffing, but she can’t help the words that come out of her mouth. “Yeah, that’s not happening. Have fun in New York.”

Neal looks like a wounded puppy when Emma manages to look at him, but she doesn’t care. He shouldn’t have had the audacity to ask her in the first place, not after everything he’s done.

Happy holidays to them all.

“Emma,” Mary Margaret hisses as soon as the front door has shut and Neal and Tamara are gone, “that was so rude of you! You can go to lunch with Neal.”

“Oh my God, Mom,” Emma groans, letting go of Killian’s hand and standing up. “I am twenty-eight years old. I’m not going to go to lunch with the man who ruined my life because you don’t like being rude. Just…let’s eat dinner, and you guys can tell me what we have planned for this week. Killian is thrilled to go to the play. I told him all about it.”

“Emma, I still don’t think – ”

“Come on, Mary Margaret,” David sighs as he claps his hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get these two dinner. They had a long drive, and I’m sure they’re starving. You like ham, Jones?”

“Love it,” Killian says as he stands from the couch. “Can I help with anything?”

“You can get a wine bottle from the rack.”

They’re all going to need it. Or at least Emma is going to.

Dinner is, well, awkward, which Emma expected, but she expected the usual awkwardness of having dinner with her parents after going a year without seeing them. This is an entire other level. Killian tries to ease it. He’s put on his most charming smile, his accent coming through thicker with each story he tells, and while her Dad seems put out, her mom is every bit as charmed by him as Emma would expect.

That makes it all fine and good until Emma’s reminded that her parents think Killian is her boyfriend, and his place would go down in flames if she told the truth now.

As much as she would like to spite her mom, that is the last thing she needs.

“So, Killian, you can stay in Emma’s room,” her mom says as they finish up dinner. “I’d have you stay in the guest room, but it’s currently filled with props and costumes for the play. But you're both adults. Who are we to keep you apart at night?”

“The couch would be fine,” Killian insists, holding his hands up.

“Nonsense, you are a guest here. You need to be comfortable. Let’s get you all settled and ready for bed.”

It’s almost like she’s in a trance as her mom guides them up the stairs to Emma’s old room. She vaguely hears her tell stories of different pictures hung on the wall by the staircase, but she doesn’t really notice. Instead, she hangs back with her dad who does not look thrilled at the whole situation.

For some reason that offends Emma. As far as her dad knows, she’s brought a man home for Christmas. A man who she loves enough to bring home, which is not all sunshine and roses for her. Once again, she’s jealous of the people who go home for the holidays and know it’s going to be a happy time.

“You know, you don’t have to act like I’m sixteen,” she tells her dad. “I live with this man. I think it’s okay for us to share a bedroom here for the week.”

“What makes you think I’m not happy about this. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Emma stops at the landing and turns to her Dad, crossing her arms over her chest and staring him down. Or up. She forgot how much taller her dad is than her.

“Try a little harder to make that believable.”

David laughs and leans forward to kiss her forehead. “Welcome home, kid. I’m glad you and Killian are here.”

-/-

-/-

Tag list (You can be taken off or added at any time): @qualitycoffeethings @marrtinski @klynn-stormz @scarletslippers @elizabeethan @jrob64 @snowbellewells @therealstartraveller776 @thejollyroger-writer @inth-trees @galaxyzxstark @galadriel26 @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @teamhook @spartanguard @searchingwardrobes @jamif @shireness-says @ultimiflos @onepunintendid @bluewildcatfanatic @superchocovian @killianswannn @carpedzem @captainkillianswanjones @mayquita @mariakov81 @jennjenn615​ @onceuponaprincessworld​ @a-faekindagirl​ @scientificapricot​ @xellewoods​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @stahlop​ @kmomof4​ @tiganasummertree​ @singersdd​ @tornadoamy​ @cluttermind​ @lfh1226-linda @andiirivera​ @itsfabianadocarmo​ @captain-emmajones​ @ilovemesomekillianjones​ @capthamm​