#autistic as a term anymore so it's not that bad. they just call it neurodivergent now''. which. ugh BAD vibes)

[katya-goncharov]

i do really truly hate how in this past year or so people have started using the term neurodivergent as a synonym for just autism and adhd

[headbuds]

Alright we're gonna continue the series. Stupid things that Fakedisordercringe says/does with Mark! Part uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Good news, Systemcringe was banned, even if they have a small ban evading sub. So that's good at least...)

(edit: It's not small.)

Now, let's see what's new with FDC.

---

1. Being upset that Wednesday Addams has a personality that a lot of autistic people were bullied over. They don't like how people are calling others out on how they like Wednesday but then treat autistic people like weirdos.

2. 11 year olds being able to recognize things like hallucinations, paranoia, and thoughts of self harm, even if they didn't get the terms correctly, makes FDC angry.

3. Transgender system, diagnosed, exists and makes memes, and that makes FDC angry.

4. It may or may not be satire, but it feels satire to me. A person with BPD gets told that they make it their entire personality and they say "I have tourettes too, bitch." Now, we've never been good with satire, but that felt very satire, but it gets posted anyways I guess.

5. Autistic people make memes. Suddenly bad I guess?

6. A ND person makes a meme. Also evil I guess. :(

7. Person has a lot of disorders and symptoms of disorders. Most come from trauma or neurodivergency. Who would have thought that someone can have a bunch of other trauma disorders if they already have one extreme one and multiple other things that can make it easier to get traumatized? Certainly not FDC, that's for sure.

8. LGBTQ autistic person exists! Gets posted on that basis! Let's see, that makes , like the trillionth example of FDC being homo/transphobic.

9. Transgender system with nonhuman alters exist, FDC gets mad again, comparing it to being trans-species, which isn't- that's not really what trans-species/alterhumanity is???

10. Polyfrag system with 2000+ alters. I don't think FDC knows what polyfrag systems are.

11. System is laughing at FDC about being posted on there, FDC gets pissy and posts them again.

12. They make fun of stimming again. (The post about dance stimming. Y'know the one where the person stims using dancing? A valid way to stim? Because stimming is self-stimulation?)

13. They brought SCP into this oh god Jesus Christ no. (I will shred their limbs. -Jack)

14. FDC hates self-dxing again

15. A person, fictive, was groomed by another fictive from their source. And FDC laughs at them. That's just fucking cruel.

16. Add another tally for times FDC hates autistic people joking about their own autism

17. I don't even know what their problem was. A system was venting. That was literally it.

18. Self-dx hate part uhhh... I lost track.

19. An openly Trans system with in-sys relationship exists peacefully. Not peacefully anymore of course.

20. If I see one more post where they complain about autistic people joking about their own autism I will screech.

21. Same as 20 but with hating on Self-dx

22. Complaining about the rise of trans systems being open about themselves online. Again. How original. (It's like onejoke all over again. -Jonah)

23. FDC doesn't like a fictive ask blog.

24. System jokes about system things and gets posted

25. Ahh, found the post where they posted one of the people on here that we know. Who is Prof dxed. Fuck FDC.

26. Complaining about transgender systems being open about being transgender systems again, I swear to God.

27. ⬆️ But not trans specifically

28. ⬆️ But fictives specifically

29. Making fun of stims again, love to see it

30. Systems can't be minors suddenly. Y'know. A part of a disorder that forms in early childhood.

---

Alright, we'll end it off here for the sake of mental health. Have a good night everyone and stay safe from that hellhole! 👍

If you're willing to help, people are trying to get FDC banned for good. Here's a post on AHS (againsthatesubreddits) about it.

Edit: nvm it got taken down... :(

[justali-anne]

Undertale: Post-Pacifist Headcanons:

All:

The main characters all live together at first, but after a couple of years, they move into separate houses in the same neighborhood.

They all are either neurodivergent or have serious mental health issues. Some are both!

They think of each other as a family! It's mostly Frisk that fuels this.

After a while, Frisk (with Sans' help) tells everyone about the resets. They don't fully understand it at first, but they do eventually.

Whenever someone dies: "Um, Frisk, can you, um, do the reset thing? (Insert character here) just got run over by a truck."

The humans accepted the monsters. A lot of humans, especially the kids, are actually quite curious about them and their magic. New job opportunities opened up!

Frisk

Non-binary, but isn't strict on pronouns. The others just give Frisk they/them pronouns to avoid confusion.

They can speak, but they also know sign language.

Very curious about the monsters and what they'll do if they act a certain way. They don't have their morals figured out yet.

Genocide Run: BAD IDEA, BAD IDEA! Would never try again. Thankfully reset before they got to Asgore.

They're smart for their age.

They're around 9 or so.

They can act out sometimes due to trauma, and they have childhood PTSD. They have a therapist that gives them tips on how to cope with severe trauma.

Besties with Chara. Never gave up on Flowey. Thinks of the Skelebros as brothers/uncles. Undyne and Alphys are like the gay best friends Frisk never knew they wanted.

Got officially adopted by Toriel, and lives with her. They also go to her school.

Made a friend group at said school, one of their friends being Monster Kid.

They can still SAVE on the surface. This comes in handy when something goes horribly wrong.

Chara:

They're attached to Frisk's soul.

They're morally grey, but they're warming up to Frisk. They're still wary about humans.

They're STRICT with their pronouns! Do NOT misgender them!

They LOVED monsters! After all, they gave them security when they needed it the most. They feel like they're forever in their debt. Part of the reason why they made that plan in the first place.

Back when they were alive, they had severe self-loathing issues, was incredibly reclusive except with their family, and they sometimes expressed their trauma through anger. Sometimes they took it out on Asriel, but they never meant any harm.

They like Frisk's friends.

They only become corrupted when Frisk kills. Luckily, it's not the case on the surface.

Flowey:

A very sarcastic and aggressive, yet insightful and intelligent, little flower.

He's trying his best on the surface, but he can fall back into old habits sometimes.

He obtained a lot of skills from the times he reset.

Also has a lot of trauma, which is reasonable.

He is fond of Papyrus, but was afraid of Sans. They sorted out their differences eventually.

Deep down, he still cares about Toriel and Asgore. He just doesn't know it yet.

He's fond of Frisk too. He still misses Chara. Little does he know they're a lot closer than he thinks...

Still remembers the resets.

Toriel:

Had opened a school for humans and monsters.

She's a teacher and headteacher there.

She doesn't like being called queen anymore, yet some monsters STILL call her that.

Still trying to rekindle her friendship with Asgore. They're on speaking terms on the surface, but it will take a long time for her to forgive him.

Officially adopted Frisk, mentally and emotionally adopted the Skelebros.

Sans and Toriel are besties.

She may be a bit rusty when it comes to social interaction, but she's getting there with the humans.

She still remembers the fallen children. She made a memorial for them to remember them by.

She likes getting wildly drunk. Someone stop this woman.

She has a wild side! Whoo!

Sans:

Autistic and has depression.

His depression is mild enough that he always feels that there's a cloud of hopelessness hanging over him, but he doesn't self-harm nor is he suicidal.

It takes a while for him to accept that there will be no more resets, but after he accepts it, he starts feeling better about his life.

He loves his family dearly. He just shows it in an unconventional way. That is, via pranks and puns.

He cares too much, but he doesn't want anyone to know that, including himself.

Is just a goofy space dork who likes to mess with people.

He gets help for his depression after Frisk reveals the resets to everyone. He was very uncomfortable about that secret being shared. As time goes on, and Sans continues to live on the surface without a reset, Sans starts to recover from his depression, and becomes a lot more playful as a result.

He shares a lot of the same beliefs as Papyrus. He looks up to him SO much.

A sweetheart. Please let him be happy.

Papyrus:

Knows a lot more than he lets on.

Is actually more mature than Sans, believe it or not. Come on, WHO exactly does most of the work around the Skelebros' place anyway?!

His reaction to the resets? "I ALREADY KNOW." Yup, you read that right. How does he know? Flowey.

After the Royal Guard got disbanded, Papyrus started looking into several different potential careers. He goes to college to discover what he can do.

In the meantime, he also works at a waiter at an Italian restaurant. He loves the job!

In his spare time, he goes on rough excursions with Undyne, hangs out with Frisk a lot, and, of course, nags Sans to pick up the sock that he placed in the NEW house.

Papyrus is a goofball who loves MTT and cartoons. He likes some childish things, but that doesn't make him incapable or immature.

He has a bright view on life, and believes in everyone.

Is autistic!

End of Part 1 because I'm tired.

[brightjin]

not to be dramatic but if i have to see another neurotypical person call their autistic sibling “little buddy” when their sibling is in fact an adult i’m going to scream

[wisteria-lodge]

hey wisteria—not shc, and if this is Too Much please feel free to ignore. i guess i was wondering how and when you first came to terms with being autistic? i’m 20ish and in college and coming to suspect i’m neurodivergent, but i guess on some level i’m still hoping it’ll go away. not because there’s anything wrong with it but like… i’m terrified i won’t be taken seriously, or worse, that i’ve been making it up for attention. i don’t want to stick my personal faults onto a diagnosis, yeah? even bringing it up hypothetically started a fight at the dinner table. i know the internal problems that made me wonder: practicing acceptable facial expressions that didn’t match my actual feelings, crushing anxiety when anticipating the work week and social interaction, getting overwhelmed in crowded spaces, too much eye contact or too little… you know. but these never show up in ways that people notice—i’m a top student and chatty and nice-ish. i want to pursue answers, but it just makes me feel more than a little detached from reality, like i’m just overthinking it or lying.

I was probably lucky. That when I was younger I presented as very autistic, too autistic to ignore, enough that my parents went out and got me diagnosed with what was called Aspergers then. I was strange. I never looked at people or I stared, I didn't notice when what I was doing didn't match what everyone else was doing, I was bullied constantly, I talked about nothing but Lord of the Rings (appendixes, Silmarillion) for about two years and you would think that I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I have sensory sensitivities that are too extreme to ignore. It would be like trying to ignore cold. Like, sure, you can tough it out for a while. But you literally can't do it forever or your body will shut down.

To me, the core feeling of autism is this sense that everyone else got the rule book, and you were skipped. For a very long time, my worst fear was that I was doing something so staggeringly, so phenomenally, incandescently wrong that no one would tell me because it was just that obvious. That I must know what I was doing. So I learned scripts, I learned how to read people, I learned how to present normally. And I learned how to mask.

But here's the thing, about masking. It's necessary skill to have. But it takes up a lot of energy. For a long time I just... masked, whenever I was around people. And I paid the price and ate the exhaustion on the other end, tucked away where no one could see me. And I did it, because that's what I thought functioning looked like.

But I was wrong. The goal was never 'learn to mask better.' It was to build a life where I don't have to mask in the first place. Crowded spaces, cars, fluorescent lights, specific sounds.... these things are very overwhelming to me, so I built a life where I don't really have to interact with them much. I teach neurodivergent kids, so the fact that I'm weird makes me approachable and fun, and the fact that emotions kind of slide off me makes me a calm sort of rock, especially for the more volatile students. It's a superpower, actually. I just needed to find a way to use it correctly.

But still. I hit points where I think... I'm doing so well, maybe all those old things aren't problems for me anymore. Maybe I felt that way because immaturity, or lack of confidence, or weakness, or stress. Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. Maybe I'm being selfish, and using this condition to excuse bad behavior, when I know that just because your brand of shittiness has a name doesn't make it okay to be shitty.

And so I allow myself into an overwhelming situation. And then I react exactly the same as I always do. I feel young, incapable, broken. I end up hiding in a small, dark, quiet place like a bathroom or a closet. I have put time aside to emotionally recover, before I can start feeling normal again.

[firecooking]

CONTINUATION ON MY PREVIOUS CALL OUT POST

I didn't want to go here AGAIN, but engines-and-gin [new username and I have them blocked so I can’t fully tag them] is making posts about the situation

They've been harassing me and others for *months*, this whole situation started in early to mid 2020.

It started with this person following me and several others [@merciresolution included] and when we investigated there blog initially [as one does when followed by someone you don’t know, you take a few glaces at there blog], we found it full of spam about Thomas characters being age changed as infants and this person obsessing over them to a very high degree, including reblogs of posts that where not clear if they where from age play or agre sources [and this whole situation was taxing on me enough to begin with to do any further digging], there where also untagged posts with nsfw and major triggers [blood, needles, violent situations]. We talked to them about agre and asked them to a.) Keep it out of the main tags due to it being super sensitive and triggering to many people, an b.) To please stop refollowing people to spam there accounts with notifications, we THOUGHT the situation ended there but the person started posting on the main tag after a few weeks on a new blog, and with that they started spamming asking others to do agre role play with them while claiming they needed it for mental health reasons [they’ve claimed they have depression, severe enough they are in fear of hurting themself, but that they also refuse to talk to a mental health professional for it for various reasons]

After these events, and several attempts at reaching out to them through different channels, asking them to stop spamming other, they took a break for a few months. However, these behaviors started up again in last 2020 early 2021.

They once again started following, unfollowing, and refollowing me on my main account [this one] and @\logging-locos  every day for almost a month while I sent them several asks for them to PLEASE stop doing so, before they deleted the account in question and started up again with *another* blog, at this point I blocked them for the second time [the first time being on the first account earlier in the year]

In the interim between early 2021 and this latest, they made several new accounts, I repeatedly blocked after realizing it was the same person *over and over*

Are latest follwing was a final straw for me. Opening this persons blog and seeing Agre, untagged nsfw, and many untagged common triggers is finally taking enough of a toll on me that I cannot handle it anymore. 

Seeing them and there content is constantly putting me into bad spells of intrusive thoughts, and seeing agre not only is affecting my mental health with intrusive thoughts but ‘Age Regression’ is often a technical term used in courts or by law firms that is used against autistic adults and teenagers. Being Autistic and Neurodivergent in other ways I’ve seen ‘mental age’ and ‘age regression’ both used in the context of abusing autistic and other neurodivergent peoples. Forcing them into situations where they lose there rights as adults. It happens more than you think, and age regression and mental age are both terms that are touted by anti autistic organizations as ways to de power autistic’s and spread misinformation. Any information I’ve found about Agre as a form of therapy is either from unsourced materials on tumblr and other blogging platforms, or very specific mental health practices that I have not found to be a general consensus. As far as I’m concerned, the content I’m seeing from this blog is not a major therapeutic practice, I cannot find any research papers on the concepts, and the blurry line between Agre and Age play is very large and not one I have the mental capacity to deal with

I have a backlog of information screenshots of interactions with this person and I’m willing to share them, but I’m really exsaughted right now

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REPORT AND/OR BLOCK THE USER ENGINES-AND-GIN, BUT ALSO PLEASE STOP INTERACTING WITH THEM AND PLEASE DO NOT GO AN ANTAGONIZE OR HARASS THEM

At the end of the day, I really REALLY hope that they are just a misguided person who is dealing with some mental health issues, and just needs help, harrassing them will never help them. I may want them to stop harrassing me and others, but I’d never wish for them to get harassed in return. If we could all just leave eachother alone that’d be the ideal solution

ALOS Under the read more is some misc evidence of NSFW on there account which they CLAIMED they never posted which is STILL ON THERE BLOG UNTAGGED they’ve also [VERIFIED BY A MOD] reblogged posts from @nsfw-ttteconfessions

There are more posts than this but I’m getting sick about it and digging is making me and others uncomfortable

[kitkatopinions]

I’m probably over thinking/over complicating things but Ironwood and Penny have been really bothering me. It because prior to the moment that destroyed Penny’s arc the show and Ruby were really pushing that Penny not matter her body was human and that’s a very positive I like that especially when it comes to characters of Penny’s nature.

So my problem kicks in when I think of Ironwood. Namely this part in his song:

“What if it's true as they say

That I don't have a heart

That I'm more a machine than a man?”

Like wtf. I mean I “get it” especially with that dumbass line of Winter. But when it’s talked about Ironwood it was always in reference to the fact that his body is half robotic and there for we are meant to see the correlation between his body and his character.?

Put next to Penny’s message that really bothers me. Even more so since Penny gets a “reward” of becoming human, but the writers push that Ironwood sacrificing his arm to stop Watts and replacing it (a medical decision that could be debated given that he wanted to be up and able immediately to handle things not to mention that fact that nerves and muscle are severely fucked up) with a new (uncharacteristically uncovered) prosthetic means that he’s moving away from humanity. This thought has been driving nuts for a week.

I don’t think you’re overthinking at all. The writers have been pretty blatant about what they think of disabled people.

On the topic of James, 1. They wrote their triple amputee character to be coded as losing his humanity. This is suspect from the get go, but writers imo need to be especially careful and sensitive when they display things like villains with prosthetics. CRWBY is not careful and sensitive. 2. They specifically connected the loss of his limb to the loss of his humanity outside of the show, and as you said, his new prosthetic is uncharacteristically uncovered as well, and there were some pointed shots showcasing his arm and emphasizing it before showing Ironwood doing something wrong as well as a shot that particularly bothered me of them having James fall to Winter when his aura broke and then them immediately flashing to a fallen, broken robotic soldier. Tying the loss of someone’s humanity to them losing a limb / gaining a prosthetic in any way is wrong imo. There are better ways to display someone’s loss of humanity than villainizing the loss of his arm, and I don’t care what justifications people have for ‘they just meant to say that he was too impatient to-’ Idc. Tying the loss of humanity to the gaining of a prosthetic is wrong. 3. They never once treated Ironwood’s clear PTSD, history of mental health problems, and trauma with any sympathy, instead spending their time ragging on him for not wanting to feel his pain anymore and condemning him for... Trying to control his emotions. 4. CRWBY also gave him a semblance and explained how it worked by saying he hyper focused, talking about how James’ passive semblance that he can’t control forces him to focus on one single goal and fixate. I’m not disabled, but I do hyper fixate. It’s not something I can control, and to see it used as a justification for evil (in one of my favorite characters in the series who reminded me of my father lol) and being treated as something bad... It doesn’t feel good. I can’t imagine how other people must feel who are much more affected by this than I am. 5. As you say, the writers go out of their way to reference his metal body as being more ‘machine than man’ and make lines about him being heartless. And yeah, I get that he’s an allegory for the ‘Tin Man’ from Wizard of Oz but ffs the Tin Man had always had a heart and I honestly thought that was what they were going for in V3 with Qrow commenting that sometimes he thought James didn’t have a heart and the audience seeing Ironwood’s actions as questionable, only for the entire show to tell us repeatedly that he actually is a caring and good person who’s willing to destroy all the forces he was proud to show off if it means saving lives and was actually pretty freaking blameless in the Fall of Beacon and was super kind to the kids and when the chips were down, Qrow and Glynda both absolutely knew without even questioning that James would never ever willingly hurt the world or fully betray them and had absolutely no hand in the Beacon attack. Like, I’m sorry, but between Penny and Ironwood, season eight is the season of taking well done character allusions and throwing them out the window for the exact opposite moral done incredibly poorly. And anyway, getting off of that rant, making a ‘more machine than man’ sentiment tied around a triple amputee character is incredibly harmful and hurtful to people with disabilities and only propagates the real world stereotypes against people like James.

So, yes, their treatment of Ironwood, his mental health, and specifically his disabilities was so badly done, harmful, incredibly insensitive, and frankly, appalling that it came from grown adult writers in 2019-2021! But, as you point out, it’s not just Ironwood. And here’s where things really get bad for CRWBY. Because Ironwood alone is enough for me to say they were ableist - unintentionally or otherwise - and ought to apologize for the hurt they’ve caused their fans. But when you get into the rest of their treatment of characters with metal prosthetics or non-flesh elements to their body, it becomes a pattern.

Penny’s entire body is removed from her on threat of death, with the justification that it’s hurting her and that her body is just a machine and not part of who she is, contradicting Penny’s earlier themes of self-acceptance and validating her humanity in the body she already had. She then dies by assisted suicide in a way that feels unneeded, after having asked to be killed earlier in the narrative. So many people have talked about how destructive her story became in V8 and how it personally hurt them, especially non-binary people, trans people, autistic people, or disabled people who saw themselves in Penny or saw in her arc something that they could relate to, only to have Penny’s differences stripped away from her, having her conform to normal body standards and have her previous body type invalidated by her friends, and then they had her killed via assisted suicide in an unbelievable way, insisting as well that she never made a choice before she was a flesh-person and couldn’t feel things right. It’s all horribly done, but it’s important to remember that while Ironwood is accused of losing his humanity as he loses a third limb and gets a third prosthetic, Penny’s earlier validation is taken away and is instead only granted and she is only justified as a person when she loses all her ‘nuts and bolts’ and becomes a flesh person. And then she’s killed anyway.

Yang’s prosthetic is the least ill handled, but it is still dismissed as ‘just extra’ despite her former fairly strong arc of coming to terms with her disability and making it a part of her. She casually justifies what’s happening with Penny despite Penny not being in a position of adequate consent. Yang’s trauma and PTSD also vanished when Adam died at the end of season six and in my opinion, that situation was handled very badly.

Maria and Pietro, two other disabled characters, disappeared, left when Amity fell and were not even mentioned iirc since. Not even when Penny is awake, not even when they’re evacuating, not even when Penny is choosing to die. She never brings up her father. And Ruby’s supposed ‘mentor’ who never had an actual narrative role that couldn’t have been filled by Qrow and has had nothing to do since season six even past that is also forgotten out in the tundra and not mentioned again.

The writers go out of their way to have Winter say that because she was just following orders (a statement that contradicts her previous character imo) and pushing down her emotions, she was the real machine, whereas Penny had been human underneath her apparently easily tossed aside and destructive previous metal body.  And I don’t know if this means anything, but in that scene where she and Penny meet when Penny is dying and transferring the maiden powers to Winter, Winter is in her V7 character design, instead of wearing her assistive brace. Like I said, I don’t know if I’m reading into that, but with everything else, it feels like an iffy choice.

So yeah. In the past season CRWBY specifically cultivated a pattern of disrespect, dismissal, and villainization of any non-flesh attributes in my opinion. It seems pretty intentional and clear to me, but I’m willing to accept that maybe this was just a wildly bad uneducated mistake. Here’s the thing about that, though, after the Faunus/Racism allegory, the CRWBY writers should’ve learned their lesson and not touched on any real world topics that they weren’t willing to do the research on and treat with the sensitivity and care and respect the topics needed. Their Faunus/Racism allegory was harmful and hurtful and frankly could’ve sunk them in the water, they should’ve learned to put much more care and effort into their work or stayed the hell away from anything that could further spread the negative stereotypes surrounding real world people. But they didn’t learn their lesson and they’ve continued to push harmful narratives with no awareness or sensitivity. I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all, I think this is something that - intentionally written or otherwise - the writers should be called out on, or they’re just going to continue writing harmful narratives.

Also, I am not disabled, many of my opinions on the treatment of these characters comes from posts I’ve seen from many disabled or neurodivergent RWBY fans (or former RWBY fans,) or other people more affected by these narratives - minus the thing I said about Winter appearing without her brace when she talks to Penny, as it was something I just noticed while typing out this post. Since I’m not disabled, I’m not the best person to talk about these things, so if I got anything wrong in this, anyone more affected, please know you can let me know and I can edit and fix.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[angeltrapz]

SAW ask time 💚 wld love to hear abt chainshipping + Adam bein autistic— maybe like what Lar notices abt Adam’s stims, things he does for him/ways he helps when Adam needs it. Also for Eric/Adam, maybe any thoughts on Eric finally like.. realizing he’s got a special interest?? ik we’ve talked abt how hard he masks but bein around Adam (n Mallick) helps him relax abt that, so like maybe how does he react + what is th special interest? anything u wanna dish abt!

thank u it’s always SAW ask time in my heart <33

!!! I was just thinkin abt tht!!! our minds 💫

I think th first time he rly sees Adam stimming (i.e. flapping his hands) he’d be like “what’s that?” but not in a rude way - genuinely a tone of “I want 2 know more abt this thing, pls tell me” rather than anything anywhere near condescending/annoyed/mean-spirited like Adam has dealt w fr YEARS at this point. so he’s definitely put on edge a lil bit bc he can’t help it, maybe he starts to like wind down and force himself into quiet hands, but Lawrence is immediately like “no I wasn’t making fun of you!! u don’t have to stop doing it!” which kinda stops Adam short like. what r we doing here. usually when ppl ask me tht they’re also telling me 2 stop. finally Lawrence says “I was just wondering what kind of stim tht was,” like he didn’t almost (accidentally) uproot Adam’s whole shit + is currently Doing So Now by using actual terms tht Adam didn’t know he knew, n so he like takes a moment to absorb tht comment n then he’s like. “oh. it means I’m happy or excited?” and honestly? when Lawrence hears tht? he’s like “oh... so then you’re rly happy? 🥺” n it’s just like. a moment fr both of them lol. (Adam feels Much safer discussing things after tht too, in several ways. it definitely helps w building trust between them!!)

after that though Lawrence definitely takes notice of more things! he’s not afraid 2 ask questions, so tht’s smth tht’s rly good fr them - Lawrence being able to seek information (he also does his own reading + research) to better understand, n not in tht shitty mommy blogger “I know yr in there somewhere” way. he doesn’t want 2 change Adam. he wants a better grasp on wht Adam’s experiences r like so he can help n minimize stress abt certain things. fr Adam tht’s definitely like.. foreign territory, bc as u’ve mentioned b4 + my personal hc as well, his parents didn’t really care 2 get him formally diagnosed + even acted like there was No Way he cld be neurodivergent in any sense, so 2 have some1 who is interested n respectful is So important 2 him. (personal hc time: I hc Adam as both adhd AND autistic like me so there’s tht!!)

so like he takes notice of th way Adam likes 2 roll things btwn his fingers (shirt sleeves, shirt hems, hoodie drawstrings, blankets, soft fabrics he likes the texture of, etc.) n is just like Oh Idea. I like 2 think he gets Adam one of those bead lanyards (like this one, which I also have!) fr him to fidget w n he kind of presents it like “I thought maybe u wld like smth like this?” n honestly he’s a lil nervous abt what Adam is going 2 say. but Adam takes it n holds it fr a minute, rolling th beads n messing w th lanyard itself 2 kind of test it, n he just looks up n smiles n he’s like “I love this. u’ve been paying tht much attention??” n fr Lawrence it’s just like “yes? of course? bc I love u?” like it’s th simplest thing in th world n Adam’s just. Huh. no he does Not tear up, if Lawrence told u tht he’s lying. he’s just Rly not used 2 ppl who want 2 know more without wanting to “get inside his head” or belittle him fr it (ties into my hc tht fr th most part, Adam hasn’t rly had any Good friends...) so it takes a lil getting used to.

another thing!! Lawrence does is ask 2 listen 2 Adam infodump abt his special interests - esp photography!! like they do this thing where if it’s not too late at night by th time Lawrence comes home frm work, Lawrence will take a quick shower n then get into his pajamas n into bed (just fr some quiet quality time b4 they go to bed, bc he still tends 2 come home a bit late), n he’ll have Adam sit next 2 him n he’ll be like “what do u want to tell me?” bc tht’s another thing tht Adam was entirely unused 2 - having ppl who didn’t just tolerate his infodumping, they wanted to hear it. Lawrence might be th first person to not actually give him shit fr it/tell him he’s being annoying/shut him down completely. again, it takes Adam a lil bit to b fully comfortable w it, but once he is he adores having tht time to be excited abt things w another person! who he knows Wants to listen!! (if we’re going th route I personally like 2 think abt sometimes too, where Lawrence is autistic as well, I feel like they infodump back n forth abt photography n medical stuff. do either of them rly know what the other is saying? not rly. are they listening happily bc that’s their partner n it’s smth they’re excited abt? oh absolutely!)

I think Adam has a tendency to eat a lot of th same foods bc they’re safe n he knows he likes them/doesn’t mind their texture (which is a big issue w trying new foods fr him), which is smth tht Lawrence also takes note of and as such, he likes 2 make sure they’re regularly stocked up on at least some of tht stuff. it’s not even smth he tells Adam he’s doing, bc it’s rly tht simple 2 him - Adam likes these things n therefore we shld have them at th house - but fr Adam it’s just One Of Those Things, y’know?? he got so much shit as a kid fr being such a “picky eater” n got shit fr it as a teenager too bc “why don’t u ever try anything new??” was smth his friends/parents Loved 2 say. it’s th fact tht Lawrence rolls w it so easily, doesn’t poke or prod for reasons he eats th way he does, and doesn’t get upset w him fr it/try 2 force him into things he isn’t comfortable w. it means a lot to him, more than he’ll ever have words 2 say (but he does always kiss Lawrence’s cheek when he gets back frm th store n he sees some of his same foods, which is just as good). it’s loving tht he’s autistic because it’s a part of him, a fact, not despite or in spite of. tht’s what’s so nice n kind of healing abt it; feeling safe 2 express yrself as u are w a partner who u know u can trust. who maybe words questions a bit funny sometimes, completely unintentionally, not out of malice (where allistic Lawrence is concerned, anyway). Adam feels Safe, n tht means a lot 2 him.

as fr ways he helps him!! a big thing is tht Lawrence is observant, esp as they spend more n more time together. a lot of th time, even when it’s just th two of them alone, Adam might have trouble maintaining eye contact fr an extended period of time, n Lawrence might not know how much it Actually helps, but he doesn’t mind tht Adam doesn’t always look at his face when they’re talking. it’s smth tht takes a little getting used 2, but he was never shitty about it w Adam. the way he sees it is if it makes Adam more comfortable, why shld he get upset abt it? it’s not like he doesn’t know when Adam’s talking 2 him anyway, or tht he can’t tell if Adam is listening; Lawrence knows both of those things, so Adam not making eye contact isn’t a problem, y’know? it’s okay. n I rly don’t know if Lawrence is fully aware of how much Adam appreciates tht.

another thing is he’s patient + understanding when Adam is nonverbal, whether it be bc he’s having a shutdown/meltdown, sensory overload, or just plain Difficulty w speech. it kinda depends on what I’m writing at th time, but I feel like Adam might have picked up at least a lil bit of sign language here n there; mostly simple phrases tht get th point across. I like 2 think Lawrence learns what they mean so he can take tht stress off of Adam’s shoulders, but most times, Adam is just comfortable sitting in silence w someone he cares abt.

OH brief thing Lawrence is RLY good at helping w pressure stims. he gives amazing bear hugs n I feel like he’d also probably let Adam lay on him if they’re on th couch/in bed. I just Feel It.

-

OHH I think abt Eric finally developing a special interest now tht he feels more comfortable w doing so a lot. honestly I kind of rly like th idea tht his special interest might be info abt rats! it kind of hits him when he catches himself writing down lil facts (tht might not even be related to pet care!) in his notebook so he’ll remember them + always being excited 2 learn more n share what he’s learned. it makes Adam SO happy to see him being comfortable w tht aspect of himself, esp now that he’s safe to explore it w ppl who understand n who won’t discourage him/belittle him for it,, Mallick too of course, but Adam knows how much Eric struggled w tht kind of thing for such a long time so he’s just. Ah. 🥺🥺

like they’ll all b chilling on th couch (Eric, Mallick, n Adam) n Eric will have his head against Adam’s shoulder while his hand is on Mallick’s chest, who has HIS head in Eric’s lap w his legs dangling off th armrest, n he’ll be like “did u know tht when rats r happy, they grind their teeth together? it’s called bruxing n then sometimes their eyes move in their sockets rly fast while they’re doing it. tht’s called boggling.” n Adam will be smiling so wide when he says he didn’t know tht but it’s rly cool!! n then Mallick will start asking questions n he n Adam just listen while Eric infodumps fr probably th very first time since he was very very young, before it was masked out of him by his parents. n he finds tht he Doesn’t feel so bad abt it anymore, not when he’s around ppl who want him to be happy and want to see him be happy - esp ppl who encourage it n let him know it isn’t smth he has to hide/keep locked away. it’s hard 2 b ashamed of himself when Adam n Mallick r looking at him w genuine interest in their eyes n so so much love.

he might still like, slip back into masking behaviour every now n then, bc it’s something he’s still dealing w n learning 2 leave behind, but after he discovers his first special interest it gets a little easier, letting go of that way of life. it was smth he was forced into by adults who didn’t actually want th best for him like they said they did when they put him through “therapy,” but w partners he knows understand n who are even autistic themselves, Eric slowly learns 2 be more comfortable w it. it’s slow, but it’s progress. bit of a learning curve. he’ll get there.

[regrettablewritings]

May I ask for 11, 14, 22 and 28 for Benoit Blanc if you don’t mind?

Certainly! Stuff below the cut!

Disclaimer: I personally headcanon Benoit’s s/o as being somewhere on the spectrum. I know not everyone identifies with this so I’ll also be including snippets of otherwise when I deem it necessary for accessibility. Happy reading!

11. What do they hide from one another?: Benoit isn’t really secretive about himself. He may avoid being upfront about his intentions (most often with regards to a case), but even then he tends to come out with the truth eventually, and with such a sense of calm that it’s more like he simply went along with peoples’ assumptions of him. But when you two start seeing each other more seriously, he does feel a tiny bit embarrassed of the fact that he may not be as up to date on all manners of slang, pop culture, etc as he would like to be. It’s not a hidden thing, really; it was a given there would be a bit of a gap there, what with the slight age difference going on. But he’s supposed to be one of the greatest detectives out there, isn’t he? He may not take the title seriously but he surely has some vagueness of an image to uphold, right? He has to have tabs on everything. Besides, deep down, he wants to seem impressive to you. Like I said, it’s not so much hidden . . . but the tab to Urban Dictionary sort of is. You hadn’t even meant to find it, you just needed to use his laptop for a quick moment when -- “. . . Ben? What, uh . . . what’s up with --. . . Why do you need to know what ‘guap’ is?” “It’s for a case, darlin’!” He has since become a little less afraid of asking you what certain terms mean. You, on the other hand, aren’t exactly as candid as your other half . . . (Spectrum Option) You weren’t exactly sure what possessed you enough to think you could skirt by without him noticing. The man was a detective after all; surely he would’ve noticed at some point that there were some things . . . amiss about you. Sure, he could chalk up your difficulty holding eye contact to shyness; everyone used fidgeting devices now, so that you had quite a few on your desk as well as on your person wasn’t anything spectacular. But surely he noticed that whenever things got too loud or rowdy at the station you disappeared; that you seemed to get particularly upset when your system was thrown off; how certain textures were enough to completely rattle you; that you had a speech pattern that could, in a word, be described as  . . . “unique.” Besides that, you knew it was silly to hide the fact that you were autistic: It was nothing to be ashamed of! It was simply how your mind worked and you were doing the best you could with it. And you wanted to say you were doing pretty well in most regards, but past social experiences had a way of convincing you otherwise. Particularly in the romance department. Potential date mates would get thrown off by your seemingly stony expression or occasionally flattened tones; they didn’t always find themselves impressed by your preference of going slow; sometimes your methods of stimming threw them off; and that was if they could even get you to stop being so anxious about certain social interactions. You knew deep down that Benoit wouldn’t be like that; he was far too kind to. But also, what if?! Eventually, before the courting got too, too serious, you felt it would just be better to be honest and open with him about it. You owed yourself that much. Thankfully, you never really needed to know what the “what-if” could be, as it turned out that you were right: Benoit already kind of knew you were somewhere on the spectrum after his first few interactions with you. Having more intimate encounters during your courtship honestly all but confirmed it. This isn’t his first, fifth, or even tenth rodeo wherein he’s encountered and befriended someone who’s neurodivergent, after all. He understands to a point why you wouldn’t necessarily jump to telling him, however, though he’s glad you felt comfortable enough with him to confide that. (Non-Spectrum Option) Honestly, it’s hard to hide anything from the last of the Gentleman Sleuths. He’s so perceptive that even if it meant hiding snacks from him, you’d eventually come back to your desk to find him eating your stash of Craisins. The one thing you have managed to keep a secret, though? Your old fanfiction identity. In your teens, you were scribbling down fics anywhere you could get them: Fanfiction.net, Quizilla, Blogspot . . . On one hand, you thank the experience for giving you practice with proper writing skills, which is part of what earned you the job you have. But on the other . . . they just weren’t the greatest showcase of who you were, young or not. And Benoit does not need to know about the shipping wars you started on accident. Thankfully, Quizilla is gone and nobody really uses Blogspot anymore . . . But sometimes he asks you if you’d ever read or watched books and movies you just so happened to specialize in, or what your thoughts were, and you can’t help but wonder if that blond bastard is on to you.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?: The moment you appear to be under the weather, Benoit’s already activating Mother Hen Mode. He summons the Mama Blanc in him and already has you laying down in bed or propped up on the couch with some quiet music playing or a court procedural drama playing while he’s in the kitchen making homemade chicken soup. If you put up a struggle eating or are too tired to feed yourself, he’s not above feeding you. He’s going to make sure that you eat at least enough to be able to take half a zinc tablet without getting sick, and make sure you drink plenty of water and vitamin C. And God help you if you think you can just do work from home because even if you’re not experiencing the worst cold, he’s not convinced you should be up and about instead of resting. At most, he’ll let you sit on the couch instead of staying cooped up in your room all day. He’ll even join you, often times sitting next to you and reading through files he brought home from his own casework. He doesn’t really mind the close contact in spite of your protests. Which is annoying because when he inevitably catches your cold, he’s more fussy than you are. Not in the man flu fashion, but he’s a lot more stubborn about resting. He knows it’s what’s best, but he’s so used to handling himself over the years that he’s gotten into the habit of doing as much work as he can before dropping, with self-care just happening to take place between his illness naps. You have to actually scold him and hide his files for a bit until he eventually falls asleep thanks to his exhaustion and the medicine you make sure he takes. Because of this, you’re more task-oriented when Benoit is sick. Certainly, you make sure that he’s eating the proper things and taking the right vitamins and medication and getting enough rest, but between all that you’re also making sure that he has less to worry about. You quietly clean around the house, you do the laundry, you run as many errands for him as you can (groceries, dry cleaning, etc), you even meal prep. That way when he gets better, he’s better in a cleaner house with next to nothing to worry about besides the paperwork he’d had taken away from him earlier. As much of a fight as he puts up at first, he truly does appreciate your generosity and kindness. He’d kiss you if it weren’t for the fact that he’s still a bit sniffily.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?: In the filing room. Sexy, right? You were technically still courting at this point but it was undoubtedly clear that things were getting serious. Nobody said anything about it, though. After all, was now, in the middle of a potential scandal, really the best time to talk about going steady? Probably not. Though you’d be lying if you said the thought didn’t buzz around in your head all day and all night. You had to be professional about this. Just as Benoit is, you reminded yourself as you watch him reading through the files you’d given him moments earlier. His brow furrowed before slapping the manila folder shut. “Well, that’s a crock of shit,” he muttered. “Hm?” you questioned, perking up. Maybe he needed input? He certainly seemed to be seeking yours more often as of late. You tried not to shiver when he focused those icy blue eyes of his on you. “This doesn’t make any sense,” Benoit explained, giving the file in his hand a gentle flap. “Carters doesn’t even have a history of violence; I sincerely doubt he suddenly became overwhelmed with the temptation to attempt fratricide all over some rather tacky jewelry. Which therefore begs the question. . .” He paused dramatically. “What do you suppose would cause a man to jump from petty theft in high school to murder in his mid-thirties?” You shrugged. “Bad friends,” you half-joked. It gave Benoit further pause. “. . . What ever happened to that accomplice of his? From the petty theft?” he questioned. Obviously, you didn’t have the answers; but the department filing room most likely did. Somewhere amongst the many boxes and cabinets, lined up in crammed and musty-smelling aisles, lay the answer. And, to your dismay, it appeared to be on a shelf a little higher than you were tall, serving as a load-bearing wall against other boxes of files. You grimaced as you arched your feet once more, attempting yet another lurch forward to reach. You weren’t sure who let this section of the filing room get this bad but whoever it was (you were sure it was Debbie; it was probably freaking Debbie), you were going to wring their neck. “(Y/N), really, I insist --” Benoit began, but you were quick to cut him off. “No, no, Mr. Blanc,” you insisted. “I got this.” You couldn’t see him press his lips into a thin line. “You know, it’s perfectly fine to call me by my name,” he said. “Mhm,” you grunted. “’M just . . .keeping it professional.” Dammit! Your fingers had just brushed the edge! Just a bit more -- “This isn’t a situation for HR, I technically don’t really work here,” you heard him chuckle. “And anyway, stop being so stubborn, and let me help.” “It’s fine!” Really, it was: You managed to nudge the box closer. “(Y/N), be reasonable.” You suddenly felt warmth against your back. Oh. Oh, God. He was pressing up against you as he leaned forward. You felt your cheeks burn at the stimuli. With far more ease, he nudged the box close enough to the edge to where it could easily fall into your waiting hands. Unfortunately, any relief was short-lived: Truly, the box was load-bearing. You yelped as the threat of musty cardboard and decades worth of paperwork threatened to fall on you . . . only for it not to actually be carried out. You glanced upward to find Benoit, once again, leaning forward. Just enough to shove the materials further on the shelf. You hear him huff and chuckle. “See? I bet you’re real happy now that I came along, aren’t you?” You turned just enough to glare at him. It didn’t last: Nobody can really find themselves glaring at Benoit Blanc for long whenever he had a smile on his face. At the very least, you couldn’t. He had that effect on you and you wanted to despise it so dearly, at the very least now you did. But you just couldn’t. Nor could you bring yourself to turn your face away as you noticed him leaning in closer. You had to be honest: You never took Benoit for the sort of man capable of performing such a strong liplock. Strong, warm, yet sweet and enticing -- “BLANC!” The sudden cry was more than enough to make you part. There, in the threshold, stood your less than amused superior, arms crossed and glowering. “Do you really think that this is the place to be making out?” Lt. Elliot demanded. You whimpered, hiding your blushing face behind the box still in your arms. He didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he scoffed and stormed off, feeling his point had been made. As you began your walk of shame out of the room, you hissed at your newly acquired boyfriend, “This is why I wanted to keep things professional!” To your dismay (and deeply hidden amusement), however, Benoit appeared to be unfazed. If anything, he seemed quite pleased with himself. He chuckled as he placed an arm about your lower back. “Oh, admit it: You didn’t mind being a little unprofessional.” He didn’t need to use his smarts to deduce that, and you hated that.

28. Why do they get jealous?: Benoit rarely gets jealous. He trusts you enough, and he trusts the bond you two share a great deal. But on the rare occasion he exhibits what would be called jealousy, it’s usually because of one of two things: Either A) someone manages to best him at wits or glamor and it appears to impress you, or B) someone younger (and hungrier) than he approaches you. The reasons why these are rare occasions, though, are simple. For the first bit, Benoit is mighty smart. He won’t go as far as to consider himself a downright genius, but he’s aware enough to know that his mind thinks a bit more broadly and rapidly than the average person’s. Sometimes, though, the lifestyle he runs brings him to circles where he must interact with great minds. And sometimes, as you are often his companion for certain circumstances, you may meet, say, an Ivy League alumnus who isn’t afraid to kiss you on the hand as a greeting or give you a grand tour of their vast estate while Benoit has to hold interviews. And as for the second bit, Benoit knows and accepts he’s no spring chicken. He also knows he may not be fast and furious in terms of romance, and some younger folk may find that tedious. The worst case is if that Yale graduate with the big fancy mansion is also around your age. But he also knows you. In the end, any insecurities he might have about his lifestyle or age are squashed because he knows you’re not the sort to just grab onto anyone just because they’re rich, shiny, and new. You’re honest and know what you do and don’t want, and he also knows that even if you’re having internal battles with your thoughts and feelings, you eventually come out with them. That’s how he knows you thought that one heir to the Havington Spa empire was a bit of a pompous douchebag, or why you were bored listening to that one poet who many saw as a prospective Nobel Prize winnter. You try not to get jealous yourself. Maybe you put him on a pedestal, but you certainly see a lot of value and endearment in the likes of Benoit: He’s smart, handsome, understanding, kind . . . Maybe a bit ambitious and odd, but nothing too terrible. He was, without a doubt, one of your favorite people to be around. But sometimes, you worried if he could potentially be another’s favorite as well. There had been the occasional case where his gentleman charm appealed to a woman involved, usually suspects but occasionally they were just vaguely related the the situation and decided to throw their two cents in, if only to have more of a chance to be around Benoit. You couldn’t tell if maybe you were reading too into it, or if Benoit was ignoring them or even flat out oblivious to their efforts, but come on: There’s only so much ignoring a man can do when a lady has her bust pressed up against his arm! But what really drove you nuts was whenever she’d initiate banter with him. One of the best ways to the detective’s heart was wit. And sometimes, to your dismay, these cases would include women who could make hogwash sound like Shakespeare. And that they made it look so easy drove you insane! But luckily, that was about as far as the women would get: The best way to Benoit’s heart was embracing the unusual, which was startling against the backdrop of a prim and proper gentleman they assumed him to be. They’d quirk a brow when he found himself making odd little rhymes, stand by awkwardly as he monologued to himself, and assume he was joking whenever they came upon him singing showtunes or making references to musicals. You, however, responded accordingly: You’d echo his limericks to feel them for yourself, listen and take notes of his allegories so you could contribute your own thoughts, and joined in on whatever song he brought up. In the end, you needn’t really be jealous because he’s already made up his mind: You’re his favorite person. And there isn’t a pair of doe eyes and a thesaurus mouth that’s going to change it. But still: You’d rather not take that risk!

I got carried away in some areas I think . . . But hopefully it turned out okay!

Character Ship Headcanons

[autisticsidesau]

could you tell us a little bit more about virgil and remy? btw i love this au! it makes me so happy and i have to stop reading to happy stim all the time! love you ~🌼

So this story takes place a few days- a week after Virgil and dee make up

And plans have been made for the three of them to hang out at a nearby cafe so Remy can ask questions in a familiar environment

But also so Dee and Virgil can leave if need be

Remy arrives early and is p much just vibing at a table in a louder area of the cafe for the background noise as he scrolls through any app

Eventually Virgil and Dee show up and they both flinch as they enter the cafe. Virgil’s hands go right to their ears as they begins to hum and rock in place and Dee digs through a backpack to hand Virgil their headphones

Virgil puts on their headphones and the twins make their way towards Remy and Dee asks if they can move to a quieter spot?

Remy gives them a look of confusion before nodding and they all move to a small table at the back of the cafe 

When they sit Virgill starts rocking again and tapping on the table

And so the questions begin

Remy: Sorry if this is kind of rude but why did you want to move?

Dee: Ok so one of the things with autism is that a lot of noise or one particular sensory experience like light or texture can be overwhelming. 

Remy nods and Dee pulls out a infinity cube and starts stimming with it

Dee also pulls out a tangle and hands it to Virgil who gives him a small hum in response

Remy: “What’re those?”

Dee: “Their stim toys.”

Remy: “And that is?”

Dee: “Okay. So stimming is- fuck uh how to describe stimming? It’s participating in enjoyable sensory experiences? I guess? But- okay- so everyone stims, but for autistic people we stim a lot more and we use it a lot to ground ourselves, express emotion, communicate, and just because.”

Virgil: “stim is what i think is called a misnomer, meaning it stands for self stimulatory behavior. Tapping your foot or listening to songs on repeat are both stims. Everyone does them. Autistic and neurodivergent people tend to do them more than others.”

Remy: “Okay that’s another question I had. So like- I looked up a few things about autism and stuff said to say ‘people with autism’ and not ‘autistic people’ because it’s dehumanizing or something? But you’re obviously not doing that.”

Dee: “Yeah no. Most autitsic people prefer just saying they're autistic. Person first language is usually something allistics- not autistic people insist on using even though autistic people have continuously said autistic is fine.”

Virgil: “Some autistic people do prefer person first language. Respect what they want to use.”

Remy: “Ok this is a more personal question, um Virgil doesn’t go to our school? Why is that? Also are you high functioning or low func-”

Dee: I’m gonna stop you there-”

Virgil: “Fuck functioning labels.”

Dee: “Yeah. Functioning labels aren’t good.”

Remy: “Why? It seems like they would be useful in helping people with- autistic people?”

Dee: “The problem with functioning labels is that people who get labeled ‘high-functioning’ end up with not enough support and dismissed as well as bullied for being weird but not weird enough, and the people who get labeled ‘low-functioning’ often get coddled and their personal autonomy taken away from them.”

Virgil: “Autism is a spectrum, people need support in all different ways, and adding functioning labels takes away from the depth of the sutistic experience. It’s a way for allistic people to neatly categorize us that ends up ultimately hurting autistic people instead of helping.”

Dee pulls Virgil’s tablet out and looks something up before showing it to Remy

Remy: “It looks like color wheel”

Dee: “that’s what the autism spectrum actually looks like. It’s not linear like most people believe we all struggle and thrive in different things. For example, I have better motor skill than Virgil but Virgil has better tone control than I do.”

Remy: “What does that mean?”

Virgil: “It means I need help to tie my shoes and write my name but Dee can do those things just fine. Dee often tends to have a ‘sarcastic’ tone so people will perceive him as rude whereas I’m better at noticing and controlling my tone of voice.”

Remy: “so circling back to my earlier question, why doesn’t Virgil go to the same school Dee and I go to?”

Virgil and Dee looked at each other awkwardly and Virgil cleared their throat before Virgil answered

Virgil: “um, ok so I tend to need more support than Dee and I find the slowed down curriculum is a lot more suited to my needs? My moms are very supportive of me and I don’t mind it too much. The classes are smaller and teachers tend to be very understanding if I need to leave or have a panic attack or meltdown in class.”

Remy: “what’s a meltdown? Is that like those episodes where shitty parents post their kids tantrum on the internet?”

Dee: “Yeah pretty much-”

Virgil: “But they’re not tantrums. That’s a bad way to describe what a meltdown is. Kids throw tantrums to get what they want when upset. Meltdowns are different.”

Dee: “Yeah meltdowns are pretty much when sensory stimulation becomes too much to handle and an autistic person… uh what's a good way to describe it? I mean- we meltdown. It’s a lot and everything’s pressing in and you can’t handle it anymore. Oftentimes autistic people will do things to try and help their situation that a lot of neurotypical people often don’t understand, like rocking or screaming.”

Virgil: “And they’re usually pretty draining too, I’ll be knocked out for a day and half after a bad one.”

Dee: “Yeah they suck ass” 

Remy: “I think that’s all I wanted to ask for now but is there anything important I should know to support you guys?”

Virgil: “Sure, I think we should mention that we both have certain senses that are the most overwhelming to each of us. Mine are sound and smell, Dee’s are light and texture. If we get overwhelmed we both have plans to help us, if someone who knows the plan is there, then just let them help us. If not, we might be able to direct you through what to do that and we both have sheets and communication cards saying what to do that we can give you. Uh we both have routines? and if those routines get disrupted that can lead to really bad meltdowns. There are times when we can’t talk because we’re overwhelmed which is what we saw when you met me and when we walked in. Also sometimes a lot of sensory experience can be exhausting, we both get tired from social interaction which is why we don’t respond to texts as fast I forgot to mention because of autism we aren’t great with social cues and if we cut you off just let us know but also Did we mention special Interests?”

Remy: “uhhhh… I don’t think so?”

Virgil: “Ok Dee do you want to take over for a minute?”

Dee: “you sure? you seemed to enjoy infodumping?”

Remy: “what is infodumping?”

Virgil: “well yeah, but it took a lot out of me and I didn’t realize and I think I’m going nonverbal.”

Dee: “Ok. Would you like your tablet?”

Virgil: “mhm”

Dee quickly grabs Virgil’s tablet from their jack skellington backpack while Virgil begins to bite on their wrist 

Remy: “are they supposed to be biting on their wrist? Is that another autism thing?”

Dee: “Hm? What? Oh, no they’re not thanks for pointing that out.”

Dee goes digging back into virgil’s backpack and grabs what looks like a retainer case and hands it to Virgil 

Virgil opens it eagerly to reveal a bat pendant and they promptly put it in their mouth and chew on it like the first time Remy met Virgil.

Dee: “That was a self injurious stim, I have my own and they’re not fun, those kinds of stims are the ones it's recommended that get intervention to prevent someone from hurting themselves.” 

Remy: “Like you did just now by giving them that pendant thing?”

Dee: “Yep that’s a silicone bat pendant that they use to stim instead of biting their wrist.”

Remy: “Ok so going back to what Virgil said, What’s infodumping and special interests?”

Dee: “A special interest is something autistic people get incredibly fixated on. Autistic people get attached to the source material and it consumes a large amount of our thoughts. It’s something you love and want to talk about all the time, your brain fixates on it and doesn’t let go. Some autistic people use special interests to relate to the world or interact with people around them. They can also be difficult at times when you have other things to do but can’t focus on anything besides special interests. You can have more than one and they can change over time. One of mine is philosophy, Virgil has a fashion Special Interest.”

Dee: “Infodumping is pretty much like it sounds like a dump of information. It’s a term for neurodivergent people sharing an excessive amount of information on a subject. A lot of times you feel a need to do it and don’t necessarily realize you are doing it. It’s important for us to fully share, because we’re trying to share information with you. Infodumping about Special Interests is really common.”

Remy: “alright I think I got it.”

Remy and Dee sit and chat for a while and Virgil starts falling asleep from people exhaustion and so Dee has to call their moms to come pick them both up but they both get to say goodbye to Remy and all in all it’s a very fun afternoon

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Okay, so I’m a slut for medical dramas but I also get frustrated when there’s a lack of diversity or when queer/PoC/disabled etc characters exist solely to suffer at the hands of writers. Could you rank the current medical dramas from best to worst in terms of diversity?

 HO’S UNITE! 

I completely understand. Not only in the lack of diversity but also a lack of the KIND of diversity. I have a weird theory about television and often movie casts. Of course this ranking is only of the shows I watch. Worst to Best.

The Resident

The Good: 

The show begins with the audience following Devon Pravesh, a Gujarati and South Asian man. He’s on of the most realistic characters considering most medical shows seem to gloss over the fact that most people in medical school as well as working practitioners look an awful lot like Devon and less like Conrad. They have the shoot-for-excellence-at-all-times Nigerian immigrant surgeon and all around bad-ass Mina Okafor, and of course The Raptor, AJ Austin who was adopted by a Chinese man and a Black American woman. The newest edition of Dr. Barrett Cain adds another bit of chocolate goodness to look at too.

The Bad:

Aside from Mina’s poorly cast mother Lynne Whitfield and the introduction of Devon’s parents the show hasn’t figured out how to weave in the different ethnicity's and backgrounds of their characters of color. No one speaks in their mother-tongue, celebrates any holidays or traditions tied to their respective cultures and religions and of course the most obvious. EVERYONE here is straight and able-bodied. And there are only TWO female leads, with most of the other recurring female characters being sent away or killed off.

The Good Doctor

The Good:

Although not the first medical drama to introduce a character with Autism it is the first to have one as the lead and his autism is a focus of the show. In the beginning there was the English born Dr. Jared Kalu, we know he comes from money and is assumed to be Asian, the actor is actually Nigerian and white, after he left the show Dr. Park was introduced. The Good Doctor has had the most Asian representation on a medical show I believe EVER in the history of prime-time television. Allegra Aoki, Dr. Aurdrey Lim, and Dr. Jackson Han round the out the Asian representation on the show.  Carly Lever, Dr. Claire Browne, and Dr. Marcus Andrews are represented as black or mixed-race Black Americans. Dr. Neil Melendez is the only Latino or Hispanic character he really doesn’t lean into it. Dr. Glassman and his wife are both Jewish.

The Bad:

The Good Doctor is doing something different having an autistic character as the lead, and although Freddie Highmore is a talented actor, he isn’t autistic. Also it would’ve been even better if Shaun could’ve been Shauna. A chance was missed here by taking a look at the often under diagnosed sect of girls and women who are autistic. The show has a lot of women on it both recurring and regular but ALL of them, just like the men,are straight. And a missed opportunity too considering the actress who plays Carly has been married to a woman since 2013. Also, Carly and Claire can pass the paper bag test, NO ONE is bilingual, and if they are they don’t show it or any of the other aspects of their cultural differences it’s very “American.

Chicago Med

The Good:

Out of all the One Chicago Shows, Med has the most racially diverse cast as well as diverse recurring characters. They have four black women on the cast. April Sexton whose real surname is Suassuna is Afro-Brazilian, who speaks both Spanish and Portuguese, attends family functions based on her heritage and has even shared a few anecdotes and beliefs from her culture which also include her brother Dr. Noah Sexton. Ditto for the recurring character Dr. Isidore Latham. He has Asperger’s, is Jewish, and observes all aspects of Judaism including wearing a kippah, and sharing some Jewish based jokes. Dr. Ethan Choi is believed to be Korean and Iranian born Dominic Rains has been added to the cast as Dr. Crockett Marcel rounding out the leads of Asian descent. 

The Bad:

Ethan’s ethnicity and race has only been brought up when it was being demeaned. Other than that the show leans heavily on his military background to give him depth but gives zero basis for any customs or cultural traits he probably had growing up. Nary a mention is given about Crockett’s race only his southern New Orleans heritage leaving us as an audience wondering if he’s Creole? Spicy White? No idea. Also April is Brazilian but almost exclusively speaks Spanish when not speaking English to her brother which is by far the strangest considering I have never met anyone who chooses English if they are raised in a multicultural household, and definitely not in conversation with their family members. But never Portuguese. All of these shows fail at representing Black American cultural, which leaves Maggie and Sharon with very little to share. And of course the most obvious. There are no LGBT characters on the show. None are leads and it doesn’t appear as though they are adding any or thinking about opening any new doors within the characters.

New Amsterdam

The Good

New Amsterdam does a lot of things right. My dear Vijay Kapoor who’s Indian identity is very wrapped in who he is, from his accent, to his prayers, mannerisms, and discussions of his past he isn’t just a token he’s a full character. Although the show has yet to address it Dr. Helen Sharpe who is obviously black is played by Freema Agyeman who is not so obviously half Iranian on her mothers side. But she is English and her disposition, her language and slang are represented in that regard. Lauren Bloom is a neurodivergent character with ADHD and a struggling addict. Dr. Floyd Reynolds is Black American who has Sunday dinners at his mothers. And Dr. Iggy Frome is a gay married man with 50 bajillion Pakistani children and aiming for one more. Recurring characters, Dr. Valentina Castro, Dora, and Casey are all  Latino and Evie Floyd is mixed race, white and Black American. Not to mention this show has plethora of diverse peripheral characters, little people, hijabs, turbans, kippahs,everywhere, you name it you’ve probably seen it. The show has to be diverse because it’s in New York and it’s supposed to be an international hospital. The place is MASSIVE. 

The Bad:

All that diversity, all the difference, cultural richness, ripe stories running amok and the entire show is centered on a cis-het white man. Not mention Casey and Dora don’t even have last names. Maybe that’s why the actress isn’t on the show anymore and is now on Emergence, New Amsterdam’s rival at that time slot. 

Grey’s Anatomy

The Good

Where do you start with the longest running medical drama on television.

They’ve had it all and still do. They constantly have LGBT characters, who are shown to get hot and heavy the same as their het-counterparts. Where other shows have two men bird-kissing like they don’t even want to touch, Levi and Nico are rolling around in ambulances and hooking up in on-call rooms. Ditto for the women, I stan Callie x Arizona especially their golden years. Nothing will ever touch the way Arizona used to say “Calliope” when they first started dated, it still makes me smile thinking about it. They’ve had addicts, alcoholics, neurodivigent characters, every race you could think of, Muslim, Christian,Jewish,and atheists. All kinds of socio-economic backgrounds. If you can think it they’ve had it and there really isn’t much reason or room to list all the characters both recurring and regular who have checked damn near every box.

The Bad:

It’s time for more brown Asians. And a regular neurodivergent character although there is more than enough room to diagnose a few of the characters if they wanted to. I’d be happy with a deaf doctor too. Also Carina DeLuca is currently the only Bi-character and she’s been kind of only used as a bed warmer which is...well, yikes. 

[official-cisphobe]

konsta i apologize in retrospect if youre like. not That into tf2 anymore but im curious now.. do you have any interesting headcanons? : D (identity or plot/au-wise, either is fine!)

are you kidding??? I fucking love tf2 it's one of my special interests + hyperfixations

as for headcanons hell to the frickin yea:

my boy Scout like I said before is trans (I like to think nonbinary in some way) and bi/pan. he's also autistic, has adhd, and dyslexia. he's also nerdy as fuck. I imagine he's maybe aspec, probably nebularomantic (can't tell platonic and romantic attraction apart because of neurodivergency). also partially deaf!

Non👏binary👏Pyro👏, they're also panromantic and demisexual

Sniper is aromantic and gay as fuckk, also autistic with pretty bad social anxiety. you may think the sunglasses are just aesthetic but his eyes are pretty sensitive and he can get migraines from bright lights. I like to think he's rlly into plants!. a polite awkward boy,, <333

Medic is gay gay gay gay gay double triple mega gay. likes to give people nicknames. reenacts classical plays with his birds. really into mythology

Heavy also gay and probably autistic. a sweet boy and very smart! can probably cook rlly good and gives best hugs

Engineer doesn't label his attraction but he likes ppl of any gender ! probably ace. phantom pains and migraines, likes classical music and the occasional catchy pop song and ofc country music. wears flannel like it's a religious thing. he's!!! such!!! a!!! sweet!!!! lad!!!!! calls ppl pumpkin as a term of endearment

Soldier is partially deaf even more so than Scout. I don't have any headcanons for his sexuality but I doubt he cares much. very fatherly, he's the fun silly kind of dad who celebrates with the kids when they're getting McDonald's. Respects Everyone, it's one of his principles. "There's a reason why bigot rhymes with maggot!" he's not the sharpest tool in the shead but gods be dammed he's having the time of his life. animal lover

pan Demoman pan Demoman pan Demoman pan D- likes boardgames and card games, specifically uno. would make a great dad. loves puns and dad jokes. would wear one of those "kiss the cook" aprons at a barbecue. would come up with a different extravagant tale about his missing eye whenever people (especially kids) ask.

Spy is a bastard doodoo head. says he only drinks expensive wine but actually likes the cheap shit. he's French-Canadian. would make a fart joke and laugh at it himself (he canonically made a yo mama joke so you can't tell me this is beyond him). if asked what his plans for the weekend are he would reply "doing your mom" no I will not accept critisism.

[ltwinks]

So today I fucked up, kinda, I guess.

I have ADHD. In a nutshell and in an extremely-super-simplified way of explaining it, ADHD is what happens when your brain doesn't process dopamine like a neurotypical brain does; it doesn't get enough or it isn't consistent enough, so it becomes an absolute dopamine fiend and constantly searches for sources of

The Good Chemical.

From what I understand, doctors and scientists and whatnot can't agree on what exactly the issue is (which is, I think, where the idea that it doesn't exist comes from?), but that isn't related to how I fucked up.

I have had it my whole life (as you do, you're born with it) but I wasn't diagnosed until I was 23. An adult.

Anybody who knows me in real life (what's up, Val!) can attest that I was a very bad student, but like, in a weird way. I always forgot to do the homework and usually forgot to do take-home projects, but my test scores were generally awesome. I had an incredibly difficult time paying attention, not because I was bored (I mean, 'bored' in the way neurotypical people are bored; in terms of ADHD-style boredom, I'm actually the CEO of the company), but because I could not force my brain to focus. I read other books and wrote things that were entirely unrelated to the class (people used to imitate how my seventh and eighth grade math teacher used to say "Put away anything that's not math!" in his loud, booming voice, and I was generally responsible for him saying that so often) and daydreamed and stared into space (which I now know is called d i s s o c i a t i n g). Basically, you know the teacher from Peanuts? The one whose dialogue is just a formless salad of sounds? That's what people sound like when my brain decides there's no dopamine to be found here, cue the Windows shutdown sound.

What I'm getting at here is that, looking back, it was pretty obvious, but only if you were looking for it. Like, I don't have The Zoomies (usually, but sometimes I will admit that I fancy a good sprint) or other hyperactive activities or behaviors, and that was the hallmark of ADHD back then. So if you were just looking for Zoomies And Other Extreme Sports, you wouldn't even see me.

Aaaaaaand it's pretty clear that I should have had an IEP. And then maybe school would have turned out better for me and not been so stressful that I (for legal reasons, this is a joke) wanted to un-alive myself by yeeting myself into traffic.

But what's in the past is in the past. I got my diagnosis now and, with a therapist, am putting together a toolbox of techniques and strategies to help me be A Functional Adult©.

And now we come to the part where I fucked up.

Because like any good ADHD story, it must be winding and long-winded and go off on at least two tangents that aren't totally necessary to the story but I'm not sure if they're not so here, have some exposition, I made it just for you and please help yourself to a second serving if you're still hungry.

I made the decision not to tell my mother that I have ADHD. I have three autistic siblings and another sibling diagnosed with ADHD, but he's the hyperactive type and I'm the inattentive type, so our symptoms present a little differently. Without a doubt, I know my mom would feel so guilty if she knew she missed the fact that I have ADHD and I struggled because of it.

So I figure, I can't change the past, I am becoming able to live with it, and making her feel guilty is cruel and unproductive when there's nothing she can do fix it.

A friend of mine just got diagnosed with autism and he has been posting about it on Facebook a lot since then. Today, he posted an apology, saying he realized how much he's been posting about it and that he'll rein it in. I posted a comment saying that I get it, I got a neurodivergent diagnosis as an adult too, and it's so clarifying to get answers and see the pieces fit together, and that it's healing to not have to wonder anymore why I am the way I am and that it's not my fault; my brain is wired a little differently.

THE PROBLEM IS that my friend is also my brother-in-law and we're friends on Facebook, and my mom is a mutual friend. She saw his post and my comment and commented "I'm so happy for both of you!"

And that's it. She hasn't called me or texted me, and that's weird behavior for her. Usually she would instantly call and confront me. I can only assume that she's freaking out.

Yeah, I fucked up. Thanks for reading.

[incarnateirony]

Question for fellow neurodivergents

tw/ mental health, depression, disassociation, random stresses, idk. 

tw/ I’m living 24/7 triggered lately and that’s in the post and looking for some temporary work arounds.

To begin: I’m diagnosed ASD, but generally just not... IDK, in the community, largely because my mother refused to believe anything was “wrong” with her child and summarily I was too “high functioning” (yes I know it’s a bad term, that’s the point) to be a problem, then after that life propelled me through a bunch of survivalist trauma But you know, “nothing can be wrong with my kid, she’s too smart, she tested 5th grade level in kindergarten! Collegiate level in everything by THIRD GRADE! hurDUrHeHURRR.” Just shove the kid through speech therapy to get rid of related impediments and it’s fine right?!

Eventually I got into a better situation and self managed efficiently, because Alabama barely has health care much less knowing how to treat a 30-something year old woman falling apart with a rare connective tissue disorder and autism still seen as a conversion-worthy disorder (or you know, my gayness, but hey) -- yet again, now I’m too high functioning haha autism sure whatever everybody’s autistic these days or would you like extreme approaches, these are your choices.

That said, while waiting for my engine to be repaired, I’m trapped in a situation that’s persistently rubbing against my PTSD triggers (from the survivalism period) even if theoretically benign but alternately constantly being talked at, more than to. My options are “old lady constantly talking a cycle about death, pain, hospitals, and more death and pain, even when I’m trying to silently put cereal in my face” or “in laws that mean well but don’t understand I literally can not hold conversations for 2 consecutive hours much less 8 when we escape there and they keep trying to engage me about arbitrary topics and seem disappointed that I’m not engaging.”

And I get it she’s lonely and she hurts and I feel awful but I literally don’t know what to do with an endless battery of negativity. Even trying to reroute her onto something nice like, I dunno, dogs inevitably loops back to death somehow. And for reasons above and below I am not emotionally equipped to deal with a constant negative waterfall running like I put it on ListenOnRepeat. And even if, IF you manage to break the death loop for any period of time there’s general patience levels when she shuffles around her kitchen refusing to sit down and let us get anything while she fusses over her milk going bad for an hour. Or about whatever other little thing. Until she self breaks that loop and goes back to death and pain.

Sometimes it’s “I can’t die until I do my paperwork” that is actually null paperwork her son already handled but she won’t listen and has shuffled the same paperwork for three years. I’m fairly certain this woman talks to Death every night but in her mental scape scoots around in her stroller telling him to hold on while she finishes her paperwork and somehow cons him into standing outside holding wires to put up her hummingbird feeders for the bees in October at midnight until he decides to come back another day before he hears about her milk or oxycodone again. And I know that makes me sound callous but goddamn

I really don’t have anywhere to go and simply be quiet right now. If I hide in the basement with aforementioned old lady she opens the door, risks letting the cats and dogs out, generally inserts herself, bangs things around upstairs and sets off my hyperreactivity, or just outright calls us up to do things for her that she doesn’t actually let us do for her and instead starts talking about pain and death again, generally while overworking me. I’ve repeatedly blown my hip in progressively worsening stages from my connective tissue problems in the two weeks I’ve been here, and get zero empathy despite attempted explanations that I can’t jog up and down steep 1950s stairs for her all day. Hell, I can barely climb them a few times.

Perhaps I should clarify my survivalist life cycle began with my mother taking too much oxy, and then being cut down and she snapped; pain grandmother mcgee refused to enter proper end of life care and has been taking too much oxy, and they’re weaning her down and she’s in the same withdrawls pattern; after that I migrated to an equally bad situation where I got trapped and efforts to escape backfired and turned into quite literal 10 year battlezone of survival that I still have scars and wounds from that will never heal -- how that connects to my current breakdown situation, you can figure out. All that stacked together into one big ball of FUCK YOU defines my base line of 24-7 right now much less all other irritants.  Like it stacks both chapters of my life going down an increasingly violent toilet bowl that was outside of my control into one aggressive old woman who temporarily controls my life.

That all said, even when we go to the “safe zone” of the inlaws, by the end of the night I am surrounded by eternal buzzing of conversation and expectations. Even if they aren’t talking to me specifically (after I’ve spent hours desperately trying to stay plugged in) it’s like having a fly bounce off my face repeatedly with the eternal buzzing of conversation I feel the need to try to pay attention to. But with loops of death and pain and my own actual real pain and eternal buzzing, endless buzzing, requirements of conversation, no quiet places, no place to be safe, feeling caged and rubbing related PTSD triggers, I’ve disassociated into some pretty dark mental loops lately.

Like I’m missing the days when I knew an area well enough to find the right park to disappear into the woods of and hide under a bridge there or something and just sit there and disappear for a while. Not that I can really motor around well enough to do that now anyway.

It took me a while to add up WHY this batshit crazy 88 year old woman was doing such a number on me since I’ve literally had my life burn down and people I love die and just packed up and kept soldiering on while barely blinking, but I recently put it together and there’s the big ball of FUUUUUUUUUCK NO WONDER but now that I KNOW it I still can’t figure out how to situationally FIX the other stressers that keep compounding the neverending PTSD+stress loop.

Bonus points just to put icing on the shitcake, I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I converted to vaping, then to low mil vaping. Guess who banned vaping inside? Guess who gets magically spotted any time I step out? Guess who is living in an eternal nic fit on top of this and has regressed a year of quitting to just about eat cigarettes when I get five minutes of peace, and yet despite my best efforts of eating them in desperation, have taken a solid week per pack, because that’s how little time I have to myself, despite outright chain smoking at the inlaws, I’m not even kidding. (Guess who is rebelliously vaping at midnight in said basement since it smells like candy and I know her ass is unconscious and won’t pop open the goddamn door)

“Seek treatment” is sort of pointless where I live, lemme put that out there now, especially since I’m yet again trying to leave the state in a few days.

But does anyone have any particular stim methods or... anti-stim for that matter that can help in this sort of situation to just decompress my eternal overload turning into hardcore shut down? I’m not nonverbal but by about 7-8PM these days I *become* nonverbal. Before I run out of metaphorical spoons in the morning I’m still myself, if with my awkward social function, but by 8PM it’s like someone’s wired my jaw shut or disconnected TalkerBox.Exe or unplugged something because even with all the thoughts in the world, I literally can not will my mouth to move anymore, and that’s... not normal for me. Talking-reserved, sure. Quiet, sure. Mouth welded shut like I’m Neo in the matrix, not so much.

I just need something that can last me through like, 3 days to sort of find my old ways of having quiet places even if I can’t have quiet places. Suggestions?

---

As a bit of a side I wonder if this is also a bit of class upset going on. Said 88 year old woman who is now all but financially broke was the lower-upper class wife of a lobbyist banker that used to work with Jeff Sessions and pretty much got him in office, but Sessions dropped the family like a hot potato when said husband died, so my “fighting for food scraps from the trash, working from 14 to support my disabled mother, cyclically homeless” gay liberal ass is squatting with a bitter former upper class southern lady republican woman turned deadass senile and I C A N T

[hollenius]

re neurodivergent headcanons in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, I think the first time (a year or so ago) I read something where someone online suggested Chuck was somewhere on the autism spectrum (high functioning/Aspergers), I laughed it off as a ridiculous suggestion, because he didn’t “fit” many of the stereotypical traits seen in other fictional characters or in the popular conception of the topic…but in retrospect, I think that came more from my misunderstanding of the “spectrum” part of it than anything else. It’s definitely a plausible/possible diagnosis comorbid with the anxiety disorder(s) he canonically has.

·         We know Chuck’s a good actor (e.g. his ability to fool Jimmy in “Klick”) and is able to mimic and slip into different sorts of social behaviors (e.g. his ability to social climb from a working class or lower-middle-class family to the world of white shoe law firms), so he’s probably capable of using masking in most public settings. This is apparently a more common trait in autistic women, but men do it as well, if less frequently.

·         Studies asking about the long-term effects of masking seem to imply it takes a physical/emotional/mental toll on the person using it, which might explain why, by the time we see him in BCS, the stress of acting “normal” in meetings and the like, when compounded with the worsening of his anxiety problems, leaves him curled up under a space blanket for hours or even days afterward. Trying to compensate for multiple issues at once is probably even more taxing.

·         He seems prone to getting overwhelmed by things and either shutting down or lashing out in reaction. The most extreme form of the former is when he goes catatonic for hours/days in response to being tazed or put in the CAT scan machine; the most extreme form of the latter is probably him completely losing it and shouting/crying/having to be physically restrained by the hospital staff because he’s so upset about being surrounded by lights/hooked up to an EKG/being recommended for a CAT scan.

·         Contrary to stereotypes, Chuck is decent at reading people (or at least he’s extremely good at reading his brother and knowing how he behaves) and he interacts well with people within a work context, but he doesn’t seem to have any friends outside of it, or much in the way of a social life–the other lawyers hold him in awe as a sort of glorified animate law encyclopedia, rather than someone they would want to hang out with or chat with informally. (Though Chuck doesn’t come across as the sort who would be interested in chit chat with coworkers anyway...) Being totally housebound and cut off from the outside world is upsetting to Chuck primarily because it interferes with his work as a lawyer–we never get the sense that he’s upset about it having any effect on his interpersonal relationships, because he doesn’t seem to have any. This is probably why losing Rebecca hit him so hard. He’s got almost nobody else, besides Jimmy and Howard, and he’s really not emotionally open and unguarded with anyone.

·         He’s got problems dealing with his emotions in general. Even when he’s trying to do his little pain/emotion/medication journal as part of his psychiatric treatment towards the end of season 3, he seems to struggle with articulating his emotional state–he’s just got “average” written down for most of the incidents he’s logged, but he’s not able to write down what his emotion is after he’s unable to sleep after insulting/lying to Jimmy to drive him away for the final time, and he seems to abandon writing in the journal after that & rapidly deteriorates psychologically. From what we see of him in the show, he seems to alternate between being extremely repressed and completely exploding and freaking out.

·         Some people have no interest in having or wanting friends, but I don’t think Chuck’s one of them. He seems pretty lonely. He remarks to Jimmy at one point in season 1 that he doesn’t really mind him hanging around to work on the Sandpiper case in his house because he’s glad for the company, which makes his systematic driving away of Jimmy and the few other people in his life all the sadder. The whole root of Chuck’s jealousy of Jimmy in the first place is that people like Jimmy, and they don’t like him. He makes attempts at being friendly, but struggles to do it on anything deeper than a surface level. (Of course, a lot of Jimmy’s friendliness and charm tends to be pretty shallow too, but I don’t know that Chuck really appreciates that or can tell the difference–all he sees are the results.)

·         He’s tone-deaf with jokes–he famously botches the attempt at a lawyer joke to his wife in the opening flashback in “Rebecca”, but he also makes an awkward attempt at humor when talking to Kim in a present-day scene later in that same episode (“the early bird gets the worm, which is good if you like worms”), which leads to some uncomfortable forced laughter from her. Some people are just serious by nature, but they probably wouldn’t bother trying to make jokes in the first place if that were the case. The fact that Chuck keeps trying to make jokes and failing suggests that there might be some impairment in that area. He sees Jimmy do it, and he sees it work for him, but can’t really manage it himself. (He seems to do ok with deadpan sarcasm though–that comment about young people loving local print journalism is probably my favorite Chuck quote.)

·         He’s very verbal and articulate, but his speech patterns can be a bit odd. He can be indirect and overly formal, which may or may not be an overcompensation for the more stereotypical autistic behavior of being too direct in speech as to be insensitive. He usually winds up still coming off as elitist and assholish anyway, though he may not be intending this/aware of this. When he’s nervous or upset, he tends to devolve into talking at people rather than to them, such as when he starts rambling on about probable cause and assorted legal precedents to the police officers who show up at his house in “Alpine Shepherd Boy”, without noticing that they aren’t even standing at the door anymore. He’s got a lot of information rattling around in his head, which he throws out as a defense, but not always in a way that is helpful; I don’t think talking about Latin translations of the Hippocratic Oath to the doctors sedating him without his consent before sending him in for a CAT scan is doing him any good (NB: the actual Hippocratic Oath is in Greek anyway, and the phrase Primum non nocere dates from a later period, so either Chuck has no idea what he’s talking about, he’s conflating two related things, or he’s freaking out enough that he doesn’t really care at this point).

·         He seems to ignore other people when they’re talking to him altogether if something sets him off or distracts him–when Howard tells him about Kim quitting HHM and teaming up with Jimmy, Chuck immediately tunes him out, to the point where Howard has to ask him if he’s still listening. Chuck says he is, but then walks off in the middle of Howard talking because he’s still distracted by what he said before, sending a confused/concerned Howard following after him. This is at its most extreme when he goes into his rant in “Chicanery” and is totally oblivious to both Galley pleading with him to stop and everybody else in the room staring at him in growing horror/disbelief until he’s far past the point of no return.

·         I’m actually sort of curious about Chuck’s abilities in court prior to the visible deterioration of his mental health, because although he clearly knows a lot about the law, his personality is a bit off-putting. I don’t know if he just sort of brute-forced his way through things because of his knowledge of obscure case law, because based on what I know from the lawyers I’m friends with, there are all sorts of subjective factors that can come into play in a court setting. The sort of things that would drive someone like Chuck nuts, like jurors who deliberately choose to ignore evidence because they’ve decided in advance that they don’t want to convict someone of a crime. (To be fair, this would also drive me completely insane, because I have a really hard time at my own job dealing with people who think the rules shouldn’t apply to them for various reasons.)

·         Chuck has an EXTREMELY black and white view of the world, and a sort of obsession with the authority of law and the importance of following the rules. He’s got really strong perfectionist tendencies within himself. I think a lot of why he gravitates toward the law is that he seems to find all the rules and procedures comforting, in a way--there’s a uniformity to the way the legal world works, and a framework in which everything proceeds--constraints which are equally binding on all participants.

·         Maybe he just knows a ton about the law because he’s a lawyer, but it might also fall into the case of it being a special interest, since his knowledge of obscure case law seems to be regarded as extensive and superlative even by other lawyers. (He reads FEC and ISO reports for fun!)

·         There’s something slightly elliptical about his thinking, and he doesn’t seem to realize that other people aren’t following his thought patterns. (He repeats his “One after Magna Carta!” justification for knowing the Mesa Verde address to Kim and Jimmy  in season 2 as well as to the officials from the Bar in season 3, which seems to suggest that he thinks it is a very obvious and logical connection that other people should grasp, though I’m not sure that it actually is outside of his head.)

·         I’m not entirely sure where the line between nervous tics and stimming is drawn, but he’s got a lot of little fidgety behaviors that come out especially when he’s stressed, especially scratching or shaking or wringing his hands. (The script to “Chicanery” indicates that he’s nearly drawing blood from digging into his hands while on his big rant, but it’s not visible onscreen because we’ve got that wonderful/agonizing slow zoom onto his face instead.) It's not clear if it predates the EHS or not. Sometimes there’s a clear tie in his behavior to perceived pain from electricity, but sometimes there’s not--sometimes it seems to result from him trying to distract himself from the electricity instead, like when he’s trying to stand outside the house for two minutes in “Bingo”. Sometimes he does it while he’s standing around in his house, thinking about something else, like while rehearsing arguments against Jimmy before he heads in to court in “Chicanery”.

·         There’s a pretty strong preference for routine/predictability & distress when it’s altered. (Most people probably would not get so suspicious if a single newspaper wasn’t delivered one day, for example. If it was repeated or frequent or a pattern, yes, but not for a single paper.) His control issues are brought up pretty frequently in fandom discussions; maybe he’s a jerk, maybe he’s just not able to function well in unpredictable situations, maybe it’s a little of both (e.g. Chuck being really bothered by Ernie bringing him the wrong kind of apples, then saying that it didn’t really bother him that much...but then telling Ernie to write it down so that he would get the right apple the next time, indicating that he actually WAS bothered by it)

·         It’s possible his perceived sensitivity to electricity grew out of an existing natural sensitivity or aversion to extremes in light or sound or anything else, but this is pure conjecture because we get so few flashback scenes. (Speaking only from personal experience, I don’t think I’m hurt by electricity, but I can hear lights when they’re turned on, and get uncomfortable/anxious under certain types of light, like fluorescents in big box stores when out shopping, so maybe someone who’s more sensitive to sensory things in general might be more prone to developing a sort of learned distress out of that.)

All of this is very inconclusive! But it’s totally plausible as a reading of the character.