#axel🦕

[ashtraysystem]

sometimes i think about a thing my ex did that makes me feel really gross:

while wearing one of my hoodies she was completely naked. like, no underwear at all. and she accidentally sent me a photo that showed that, and it made me so incredibly uncomfortable.

cuz like. it was my hoodie, and for me hoodies are super duper special and its very rare that i let anyone use my hoodies let alone take them out of my house. at the time it felt almost like a betrayal, bc we didn't have that close of a relationship yet. I only let her borrow one bc she kept badgering me about it.

its,, its part of why sometimes when i go to put on one of my hoodies i'll have a olfactory hallucination of her smell and freak out about feeling gross and bad.

-🦕🥾

[samuelisbaby]

𝙊𝘾 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙍𝙊𝘿𝙐𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉 !! 🐈🌼

𝙊𝘾 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙍𝙊𝘿𝙐𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉 !! 🦖

𝙉𝘼𝙈𝙀 ; RENTO FREI BATCHIA 🌼

𝙉𝙄𝘾𝙆𝙉𝘼𝙈𝙀 ; REN/RERE

𝘼𝙂𝙀 ; 17

𝙂𝙀𝙉𝘿𝙀𝙍 ; MALE

𝙈𝘽𝙏𝙄 ; ISTJ

𝘽𝙄𝙍𝙏𝙃𝘿𝘼𝙔 ; MEI 1

𝙉𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉𝘼𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙔 ; JAPANESE AND GERMAN

𝘼𝙋𝙋𝙀𝘼𝙍𝘼𝙉𝘾𝙀 !! 🦕

𝙃𝘼𝙄𝙍 𝘾𝙊𝙇𝙊𝙍 ; SILVER GRAY

𝙀𝙔𝙀 𝘾𝙊𝙇𝙊𝙍 ; DARK GRAY

𝙎𝙆𝙄𝙉 𝘾𝙊𝙇𝙊𝙍 ; PALE

𝙃𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏 ; 6'1

𝙒𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏 ; 48 KG

𝙁𝙀𝘼𝙏𝙐𝙍𝙀𝙎 ; STITCHES AROUND HIS MOUTH, TWO MOLES UNDER HIS LEFT EYE

𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙊𝙉𝘼𝙇 !! 🐉

𝙎𝙊𝘾𝙄𝘼𝙇 𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙐𝙏𝙎 ; LONER, FRIENDS WITH THE POPULAR DUDES

𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙄𝙇𝙔 𝙍𝙀𝙇𝘼𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉𝙎𝙃𝙄𝙋 ; NOT SO GOOD

𝙁𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙉𝘿𝙎 ; ALEGRI ZEN PRINC, KINZ KENNZI ASTERLING, TALUS AKSAMALA, KHYLO TIVO AXEL

𝙇𝙄𝙆𝙀𝙎 ;SWEETS,DESERTS,DRAWING,HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS,TAKING PHOTOS,CATS,ANIMALS

𝘿𝙄𝙎𝙇𝙄𝙆𝙀 ; TAKING A SELFIE, WRITING,STITCHING BACK HIS SCAR ON HIS MOUTH

𝙎𝙊𝘾𝙄𝘼𝙇 𝙐𝙎𝙀𝙍 ;@RENREN#2293(DISCORD),Rento,,,(SPOTIFY),@Rento_luvs_cats(TWITTER) {GUYS REMEMBER THIS IS FAKE!!}

𝙃𝙊𝘽𝘽𝙄𝙀𝙎 ;DRAWING,PETTING CATS,TAING PHOTOS,TRAVELING,HAVING A NICE WALK

𝙁𝙐𝙉𝙁𝘼𝘾𝙏𝙎 ; HE GOT HIS SCAR ON HIS LEFT CORNER OF HIS MOUTH BECAUSE HE ATE AN APPLE SLICE THAT IS STILL ATTACH TO A KNIFE AND HE GOT THE OTHER ONE ON HIS RIGHT CORNER OF HIS MOUTH FROM A FIGHT

𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙊𝙉𝘼𝙇𝙄𝙏𝙔 ; Hes a cold and aloof person usually on his phone and having his headphones on, isnt really willing to make any friends because he already have a friend group that consist of five people including him. is just your typical quiet kid in your class. usually talk in a mumbled tone or you cant even hear what hes even saying, is a neutral good, hes a very smart boy hes always in the 4th spot of his class

[ashtraysystem]

i have the big sad :( i dunno why i have the big sad, nothing happened, so why i have the big sad?

[ashtraysystem]

im tired and want someone to take care of me and not hav to worry about things ever 🦕

[ashtraysystem]

learning to cope properly with my big emotions has been a tough journey.

learning that big emotions, bad or good, are okay. bc as a child i was told to shut those away. that having too big of emotions is bad, it makes you a bad daughter, a bad child. that you hurt others with your big emotions.

but,,, im learning thats not true. its okay to have big emotions. its okay to have too much sometimes, and to let it out whatever way you need to.

ive been told that when i was younger i used to lash out at others when i was having big emotions. when i was sad people would leave i would hurt them. i dont remember any of that, at all, nor why it ever stopped. but i think its cuz i wasnt really allowed to cry. if i cried i was told to shush, that it wasnt a big deal, that i was too sensitive, and that i'd have something to really cry about if i didnt stop. bc i was the first kid, back when more of that stuff was acceptable.

sitting here with my little and feeling some of those feelings rise up again. the want to hold onto someone, to never let them go even tho i know they'll come back again. but that ingrained fear from my childhood, it doesnt leave, bc i was never allowed to deal with it properly.

so many people in my life when i was younger left for one reason or another. there were very few people I actually chose to leave. Most of the time it was people abandoning me. And even tho i know that wont happen now, that they will come back eventually, my little has a hard time fully comprehending that. its something we're working on tho, thats the best we can do right now. is work on it together. thats why we have each other.

[ashtraysystem]

someday we are gonna lives in a house together and then i can take care of you and you can take care of me and maybe tails can take care of us too and we can take care of himb! we can hav lotsa minecraft stuffs in an office wif our computers and we can make soups together and tasty meals and have movie nights and game nights. we'll be our own happy little family and we wont have to be apart we can be together so that we are never ouchy alone.

we'll be safe, safe bc we hav each other. it'll be safe and quiet and comforting.

right now im very scared and worried, and i cant really pinpoint exactly why. i know im worried bc i cant be there to take care of you right now, tho i wish i could be. and im scared bc i dunno what the future holds after school and thats really really scary. cuz what job will i get? where will i go? everyone keeps asking me these questions and... i dunno. school has been my life so long that its hard to imagine a reality where im just. done with it.

-Axel and noname middle

[ashtraysystem]

now that ive met all my profs for the semester i'm less scared. my profs are all super chill, and actually encouraging me to be myself and work to my strengths.

last semester felt like such a shitshow that i was afraid i wouldnt beable to recover and be successful this semester, but with the encouragement of my professors im feeling a bit better about it.

its not to have one of my profs in my life again, bc she really inspired me to work to my strengths and i missed her last semester. shes such a strong person herself, and very beautiful. she's very kind and inspiring. i had my qualms with her when i first met her, but over time ive grown to love her as a professional.

it certainly helps the kiddo too, cuz he could be a little more himself around her and she doesnt question it at all. she just goes with it, and engages with him at his level too. shes so sweet and kind to us, not just me.

[ashtraysystem]

noyte to self now that i can thinks better: it is OKAY to crys, it is OKAYS to take ouchy medicine (if appropriate amount and appropriate type), anf its OKAY to needs helps. okays?

[ashtraysystem]

feelim icky is not funs :(

i had to take sib2 to their pt appt today and on the drive back a stupid highschooler pulled out in front of me and scared the shit out of me. my body doesnt doo well with that so the adrenaline that went through my body has made me tired and ouchy. idk why my body gets so ouchy from stress and anxiety, but it does and now i feels icky and bad and tired as heck.

[ashtraysystem]

i miss my brobro. being sicky is no fun cuz i dont get ta do anyfin bc i is ouchy and others in the system are worried about gettin homework done.

im hav an ideas tho, i wanna make brobro somethins maybe for their jacket if they wanna put it on it. i dunnos, maybe. i dunno if they'll like it. i thinks they will, bc they usually like stuffs i make even stuffs that little me makes.

[ashtraysystem]

school is so stressful,,,

all things considered it hasnt been super bad, but with my capstone its been difficult mitigating anxiety and frustration about it bc it started off so poorly.

my prof wants us to do these weekly check in reports and she made a template, but its a mess of a template thats incredibly overwhelming.

from a little/middle perspective, it feels like a huge, overwhelming and frustrating task. it feels scary, bc i genuinely have no idea what im doing at any given moment. the template feels like a lot of words that i know seperately but not together.

being sick isnt doing me any favors either. being sick has me and axel out more, but thats incredibly frustrating bc theres big kid stuff that needs to be done and. we arent big kids. its frustrating to the rest of the system that all axel and i wanna do is play video games, but they are also understanding that we are just kids and that the body is sick, so no one can really force anything when in a state like this.

it just feels like a lot and very overwhelming for me, specifically. axel can just play and forget about it cuz he's young enough, but i cant. im stuck with the knowledge that theres things that need doing that.. i cant do.

its also hard to put the way i feel into words, bc i feel and have needs but. i dont know how to communicate them. like at all.

[ashtraysystem]

i miss my papa :( he's away in japan rn and wont be back until tuesday. he's bought us lotsa stuff while hes been gone but i just want a big hug and a good meal from him bc i know that would make me feel a lot better about all the school stress going on. i miss lotsa peoples and wanna be able to hug peoples and hold hands and stuffs.

[ashtraysystem]

sometimes when im just Chillin my brain will go back to a childhood memory and mindset and things will suddenly feel like that particular moment in time. its very strange.

so atm im laying in bed, listening to markiplier and gang play uno, and i suddenly get the overwhelming feeling of summer back in utah when i did theater camp with my best bro at the time.

like its just really weird.

[ashtraysystem]

is nice feelin cared about. friends got to hang and chat and play games today for a bit, and when i said i had to leave bc my brain hurty they all said to make sure to take care of myself and that felt really nice <3

[ashtraysystem]

i feel icky and sad and scared. it feels like when i had insomnia as a lil lil kid. the night time scared me and even tho i gots my big brave tubtub wif me im still scared and umcomfy. i cant find a way to lay in bed thats comfy, and blanket is too warm but no blanket is too cold. even stuffies arent makin me feel better.

my partner said i could always talks to them but i also worry anyways bc they have a lot of their own stuffs they are dealing wif rn bc its finals weeks and its super stressful for bof of us.

i dont wanna hav responsibilities i just wanna play. i wanna play video games and play wif my kitties and wif my sibins. i dont wanna feel so icky. but i hafta do school stuffs. school stuffs for poopy professors.

all the stress is makin me feel dizzy and its not fun :( even wif food and water i still feel dizzy abd sick. i dunno what to do. i keep feeling ickyness like someone forcing me ibto a hug that i dont want.

i keep thinkib about things from when i was litle litle, and of things when i was bigger that happened that were not good. peoples who were not good. peoples who said not good things and did not good things. i dunno why.

i dunno why i feel so icky but i do an its :(

[ashtraysystem]

Ash has the big sad.

we've been so stressed for so long that now that we have a break they cant just enjoy it, they are worrying about assignments due next week and making sure we hav enough time. but they also think about sad things, sad things that made them sad yesterday but they dont need to keep being sad about them because that was yesterday and today is a new day!

i dunno why they are still so sad about things. im tryin my best to help but its hard.

we forgot to turn off our alarms and woke up early so we still tired but cant sleep well, and couldnt fall asleep easy last night either.

we keep seeing posts on here pop up that arent tagged right with censored tags so our filters dont catch them and it makes cole really mad and ash really unhappy.

our system feels really shakey rn